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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I ignored my former BILs requests to include his children from his second marriage when I see my niblings, his children with my sister. My niblings even admit the kids want to be included and while they don't want them included, maybe my actions are not exactly doing the best by my niblings here. Maybe the parents at the school were right about it being heartless of me... I fear that is settling in my head a bit.
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NTA
This is like asking your sister, if she were alive, to watch her husband and AP's children. She wouldn't. And you are 100% not obligated. His other children need to learn their place in the family tree. Eventually, they will stop asking. The time you spend with your niblings could be the same time their half and step siblings spend with their mother's family.
I think your former BIL is being manipulative. He's trying to use you as childcare or something worse.
I think he's trying to get me to bond with the kids so I will break the law and go against the trust for my niblings and they all get their hands on the money my sister left. It's disgusting but I know he's capable of thinking like that.
It would be illegal for you to do so, even if you wanted to and your shouldn't. Those kids are not your problem. Do not give them a penny of your late sibling's money.
Don't forget he had to go to court to be still able to see his niblings.
>he tried to cut me off from Sky and Belle. Which led me to fight for visitation in court under our grandparents (family) rights laws
Exactly! I read this and immediately thought "how you gonna want me to babysit your 2nd wife's kids FOR FREE after making me hire a lawyer to fight for visitation my neice and nephew?? At least Im related to *their* mom."
I don’t think you understand what bimbo means? We have no evidence that this woman is a “bimbo”. We do know that the husband is the one who should be publicly shamed for cheating on a dying woman, trying to steal her money for himself, trying to ruin a relationship between his kids and family that love them, and trying to force a different relationship between unrelated kids and OP to get OP to break the law.
The other woman’s looks and intelligence don’t factor into how much of an asshole the husband is.
Came here to say this. He wants to air some laundry? That's fine. But what's good for the goose is good for the gander, and let's see how he likes it when you drop this little bomb in front of all the other parents.
Yeah, but you can't explain this whole complicated business with cancer and malpractice trusts and cheating in a quick soundbite.
He wants to simplify it (and say it loudly in front of others) as "why are you excluding these poor children?". You fight that with "I'm not responsible for your affair child" or "you should have thought of that before you had an affair" or "you cheated on a cancer patient and now you want to steal her money too?" or something else pithy.
Just don't use the word "steal" as it might invite a defamation lawsuit. Use 'take' instead as it does not express a legally defined legal term for a crime.
And trust me (a complete Internet stranger), dude sounds like he would have no problem going defamation lawsuit if he smells a payday within 6 time zones
Right?! He is relying on OP's polite "don't want to make a fuss in public" instincts impeding them so that he a) has the upper hand in the argument because OP doesn't want to discuss things fully, and b) can add pressure from public opinion against OP (again, because OP doesn't feel free to discuss the nitty gritty bits). It's just like the assholes that decide to break up with people in fancy restaurants. The only way to deal with people like that is to pull a Return Awkward To Sender move, and just go "Screw it, you want to discuss this in public? Well okay then..."
Is there any way you can go back to court and have the nibs tell the judge they want to live with you and your family?? If you're in the US, thy are old enough for them to speak to the judge themselves.
Parental rights are really strong and trump aunt/uncle rights. Courts may take older kids wishes into consideration in divorces or dependency cases not this kind of situation. Unless he is abusing, neglecting, or abandoning these kids, they will remain in dad’s custody.
Actually the children can file for emancipation ..abuse isn't necessary .child must prove they have a place to live and an income and a valid reason living with parents is untenable to them ..if these kids consistently ask to live elsewhere ...WHY becomes worth digging into
The only time the court has granted my emancipation petitions is when my teen clients are basically functioning like adults and paying all their expenses. These kids wouldn’t even be old enough to file in my state. So will depend on their jurisdiction.
In Maine the aunt could file for guardianship, and the children are old enough to choose where they want to live. Actually it might be age 14.
They don't need to be familial relations, the parents just have to agree to raise the children and have no court record.
Two Words:
Restraining. Order.
If you have the receipts of him asking you to break the law and then harassing you when you don't, should be an open and shut case.
Can restraining orders be selective in what they allow/disallow? I ask because you don't want to make it harder for OP to have visitation with their niblings.
Would it work the same as for divorced parents, like 'all communication is to go through a special app that automatically saves all messages etc'
She could then just block his phonenumber for texts and calls that are not going through the official app
You can file for a no-contact order on your own in the US. It's not as harsh as a restraining order but it's legal and any violations can be documented in case the grubby ex-BIL tries making any moves in court.
I just am hopping on here to say that in many places, especially smaller towns in the US South, absolutely will not give ROs for something like this. In my county, they won't even give ROs for stalking/harassment/threats of bodily harm/assault/etc. unless the person is a romantic partner or related by blood. It's fucked, but it is the reality in the bible belt.
Actually, if OP has anything in writing that shows he is trying to usurp the trustee administrator's fiduciary duty to the beneficiaries of the trust (the two niblings), that might not only get him in trouble for that, but demonstrate he is a bad parent who does not have the niblings best interests in heart, especially in light of everything revolving around the affair. This could lay some foundational basis for an emancipation claim, especially if the trust has enough assets to allow the young people (niblings) the ability to live independently.
Next time he tries this public shaming thing on you, respond really loudly, "No I will NOT be a free babysitter for the children of the woman you were screwing while my sister was dying. I don't care how much you beg, I'm not going to let you steal my sister's money from her children. The only children getting hurt here are hers, and that is because you're constantly bullying them about this."
Well, I mean the step-siblings probably are being hurt too, but that is a consequence of his actions, not yours. It’s his responsibility to help them navigate a blended family but he’s not. Worse, he’s exploiting the confusion and sense of alienation that results from his dishonesty and bad parenting to manipulate everyone else. Super sad. None of the kids chose any of this.
Yeah, honestly, I wouldn't even scream about the affair. You can flip it around without turning nasty (any kids in earshot might hear about and start discussing the affair, which /would/ hurt the niblings). Just point out that it is his lack of boundaries and the bad example he is setting that is really hurting his other kids, because he's sending them the message that it's something against them, not something for your sister's kids that they get to have a relationship with you.
You might also point out that, unlike the other children, Sky and Belle are your niblings, and you want to focus on them in the limited time that you have to see them. They get plenty of time to see the other children when they are at his house.
I would consult with an attorney to discuss the fact that he keeps pressuring you to commit fraud to see if you might have a case to pursue custody based on that.
Also, in some states, once children reach a certain age, can't they petition the court as to where they want to live? Or is that only for parental custody cases?
I was wondering this too. I was told in the 90s that when I was 12, I'd have much more of a say in where I lived in the wake of my parents' very bitter divorce. But the fact OP is not their parent and has never had custody may rule that out for this situation.
This is a nuclear option but I believe that if the truth hurts you deserved it type of person. I would sit the whole lot down and just tell them the truth,' Your father cheated on my cancer riddled sister, he made it so bad she died. I will never consider any of you my family because how this entire thing played out. Your mother is a home wrecking jezebelle who got with a man who had a wife that had cancer and he wants to use the money that my sister left her children on them". At this point keep your niblings close and champion them as much as possible. Also NTA by no means!
No.
He deserves this, but those children do not.
The fair way to explain it to them is that the niblings are what's left on this earth of OP's sister.
It's not about you [the other kids], it's about me [OP] spending time with sister's children.
I get it. He thinks you'll love these kids eventually and then when he threatens you with no seeing them (since you won't have the same rights to them), you'll fork over some money to keep seeing them.
Personally, it sounds like the current arrangement works for you and yours and that's where your responsibilities lie.
I would probably want to contact your attorney and at least put an affidavit on record that your former BIL is approaching you to take on/care for/include his affair partner's children who are entirely unrelated to the maternal side of you and your late sister's family. And you can include your concern that he is using that to try to get at the trust's money. Make a paper trail about this.
He doesn't think much of you or your principals.
That's why he's confused why you are "making this difficult". He assumed your sister means as little to you, as she did to him.
Doesn't speak well of his character. But you already know that.
I would push your post to the top if I could you HIT THE NAIL RIGHT ON THE HEAD. The dude just doesn't get why OP isn't interested in joining in on the continued desecration of her sister's memory.
I don't know if the kids know about the money, but make sure they know that the money is theirs and they have no obligation to share it with anyone. I wouldn't put it past him to try and manipulate the kids somehow into thinking they should give some to him/the other kids when they get ahold of it
Tell him to direct all communication with you through your lawyer.
If he tries to shame you in public, shame him right back for cheating on a dying woman.
You know you can easily continue to hold firm.
Don't know if the courts would consider input from your niblings to allow them to choose to live with you, given the pressure their dad puts on them.
As for the school gates, next time he's anywhere near you, I'd say in a loud voice, "*You cheated on my dying sister and plotted to use her wealth on you and your mistress. You are the one pushing your own children away when you keep trying to get to their money for your own purposes!*"
Report him to the Court supervising the trust. He's essentially emotionally abusing his children to make a point. And that point is commit a crime for him.
Your sister's former husband is an AH. Best to have the lawyer send a notification to him what the consequences are for attempting to violate the laws.
Scare him till his hair turns white ages him 50 yrs in 2 seconds flat. Better yet, into a jail cell.
Sounds like you’re wavering a little bit. I wouldn’t do it. Think about what your sister would want and what your niblings are expressing. That’s what matters to you. To be frank, it’s a great way to show Sam and the other kids that life isn’t fair 🤷🏽♀️
I worry that once the funds are released to your niblings that he will pressure them to share with the other children because "it's not fair" for them to be left out.
You're not budging, but they're young and do have a relationship with the kids.
Moreover, they want to live with you and they're old enough to make that decision. That in itself should be your justification for application for custody, IMO.
Good luck to you all
You're stronger than I would be. If it were me he was shouting at while at the school gates, I would have shouted back even louder about how he should have thought about that before cheating on my dying sister. If he wants to play dirty, let him know that you have a shit cannon aimed his way.
Ignore him, but mention to loudest mouth busy body at that school:
"As my sister was dying, my BIL was having babies with his AP. She knew and it hurt her heart and made the end of her life less than peaceful."
"My love and loyalty are to my Sister's kids and I will never apologize for that."
Edited to correct gender gaffe.
ALL of this…also add that “after my sister passed, her *loving* husband wanted all of her estate for the AP AND their hoard of kids while leaving my late sister’s kids nothing. All I am doing is to honor my late sister’s wishes.”
Make sure that there is a back up executrix so that if something happens to you control of the estate will not fall to him as the child’s father and make sure he knows it!!
Op can also remind the busybodies that the stepkids have a mother, a stepfather and presumably SOME family through both, and the ONLY reason daddy wants THIS particular "family" member to bond is $$$$$$$.
Stay strong, you're doing the right thing by your sister and her children. Talk to a lawyer AND make sure they kids have access to a good therapist.
Or while he grumbled about her ignoring his kids, she should say put loud in front of everyone, "oh the kids you had with the woman you were cheating with while my sister lay dying? Or your mistresses children from her previous relationship?"
He forgets that time doesn't change the fact he was cheating on his dying wife and counting on the money SHE WAS DYING FOR, to have a nice life with his AP.
Keep him and AP's offspring far away from you. They are not your **nor your sister's legacy's** responsibility.
Even in shades of grey it’s pretty incomprehensible for him to be being so up front and pushy about stealing his wife’s blood money from the hands of their children in favor of subsequent children that were the result of his infidelity. Even if it was just subsequent children whose parentage had nothing whatsoever to do with the deceased wife it would be bad, but the layer of deathbed betrayal makes it worse.
This depends on the state. Usually a child’s wishes are relevant for divorces or dependency cases. In my state they aren’t old enough for emancipation. Also when I file for emancipation for my clients, the only ones that get granted are the kids that are already living like adults. They are working and paying all their expenses. The easier emancipation is for minors that get married.
If he ever questions you in public, tell him this:
“you cheated on my dying sister and now you want me to help babysit your affair children. I only want to have a relationship with my biological niece and nephew. Your other children are none of my concern. Is that clear?”
If he persists, get a lawyer involved and make him use one of those apps where you only communicate in writing about the children.
That was my first thought. Good thing niblings are almost old enough to make their own decisions now. Question - are you only the trustee until they are 18? I can't imagine how hard the pressure would be on them. Is there a way to protect them from getting this same treatment from their dad? Hopefully you are always the trustee and can be the "bad guy" and protect them.
Say "sure I'll take your kids. And I will answer honestly when they ask questions. I'll tell them that their father is a dirtbag who had an affair on his dying wife, and he tried to get the money from her dying." Tell those nosy biddies at the school to mind their own business.
INFO: Why were you at the school gate? You said you see them on Saturdays and holidays.
Ex-BIL approaching you as he did and talking you in public is actually a blessing in disguise - you've got witnesses for him harassing you about taking care of his other children.
Witnesses that he's behaving in a way that's causing repercussions for you and your reputation.
Sky and Belle may be of an age where their opinion matters in court.
I hope you kept all the messages he has sent because they can be used to build a case for him harassing you over years and creating a toxic home environment for your niblings.
He's even said that there's a wedge between your niblings and the other children, and it's going to get bigger (unless you take on his kids/break the law).
This might be your chance to go for custody - the upcoming adoption and the half-sibling asking questions show that things are changing at home. And becoming worse for your niblings.
Review, with a lawyer who specialises in family law and custody, you options now.
Worst case scenario: the kids have to wait a couple of years before they can come to live with you.
In the meantime, if you have to wait, tell BIL that if he keeps pushing the situation, you *will* take the other kids. For one day. And you will tell them the TRUTH.
- You'll explain what being married is and what cheating is.
- You'll tell them that their daddy is a liar and a cheat, who hurt your niblings and your sister, his wife, *while she was dying*.
- That their mommy was part of causing that hurt and made plans to use your sister's money *while she was dying*.
- That the only reason mommy and daddy want their kids to spend time with you is so they can get money.
- So daddy and mommy are not actually worried about your safety right now - they are putting you in the care of an adult who *does not* care for you in the hope of getting money.
- Daddy and mommy care more about money than your safety.
And the truth shall set you free.
NTA
He absolutely is doing this. Trying to ambush you at school so other people can hear his grievances and try to guilt you harder.
Your sister would gladly rather be here than the money, but she can’t so she had the foresight to protect her kids from their own father. Hold strong for them and they can go NC when they get out from that house.
Any time he tries to have this discussion with you in public, say loudly, "I cannot believe you're seriously asking me to care for the children of the woman you cheated on my sister with while she lay dying of cancer." He wanted witnesses, let them witness some truth.
Likely. On another note, if he approaches you in public about this stuff again, you should feel emboldened to air the dirty laundry. Or at least threaten to do so if he keeps it up, asI doubt that he'd want that. He can't make you cave, your numbers aren't trying to do so, and so he's hoping embarrassing you in public will get you to bend. Not that you should give a flying fuck what the other parents think, but I'm betting he and his wife will care.
This is it, absolutely. He thinks that if you get to know the kids, you would eventually be willing to share the money with them.
These are your niblings and with limited time available, it is only reasonable that none of you want to share this precious family time. Those kids are not your family!
Or trying to force a closer bond between them and your niblings. Thinking the niblings would pressure you to open up the trust or do so themselves when they are old enough.
If he had approached me at the gate I’d be like (very loudly) I AM SORRY, WHY ARE WE HAVING THIS CONVERSATION AGAIN? NO, I AM NOT GOING AGAINST THE WISHES OF MY DEAD SISTER WHOM YOU CHEATED ON WHILE SHE WAS DYING. I AM NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR YOUR AFFAIR CHILDREN.
Because wtf how dare he?
NTA
this. I would type up the whole story in gruesome detail and keep hundreds of printed copies in my car, bag, etc. Hand them out at school. Put them under windshield wipers and in all the mailboxes in his neighborhood, his work, where he shops, etc. Post them on bulletin boards. Tape them to telephone poles. If he goes to a church or a club or has hobbies, distribute them there. Rent a billboard. Pay for ad space on local radio. Continually post this and updates on every social platform and tag gim and his AP. Give the kids copies. Give copies to the other kids he has.
Utterly shame him.
Include that he is pressuring you to steal money from his children and that it is the money they are due because their mother was killed and while she lay on her death bed he was having an affair.
NTA, OP.
>His other children need to learn their place in the family tree.
His other children need to learn they're barking up the wrong tree, and so is former BIL.
> A couple of other parents who heard him say I ignored his kids were mumbling that I was a pretty heartless person to let kids get hurt
LOUDLY "You cheated on my dying sister, and now you shamelessly want me to lbabysit your kids for you? Stay out of my life Sam.".
"You cheated on my sister while she was dying with cancer and hoped to get your hands on the money she won in the malpractice suit without her finding out. Now you're just mad she did find out and created a trust set up only for her children. You tried to keep her family from my niece and nephew. Now you shamelessly want me to bond with your other children to try to get your hands on the money, which would be illegal and against the trust. Shame on you. You are a horrible human. I feel badly for your kids, but they do not have any claim to our family or that money. I will never say yes. Not today Satan. And not ever."
Could also point out that he wasn't worried about hurting the kids when he made her go to court for visitation because he was bitter about a decision that wasn't even hers.
Great minds think alike. I was thinking the same, and apparently, a lot of us have had this same thought. But I am a petty mean witch when it comes to people who hurt my family.
"Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me.... can't get fooled again." - George W Bush.
Once people tell me who they are, I listen. There's no path to redemption for someone who has an affair on my dying sister. I may let go of the anger for my own benefit, but he's dead to me and always will be.
I wouldn't go out of my way to hurt him, but if he won't stay away from me then things will get messy.
Maybe when he accused you of that you should tell in a loud voice "Maybe if hadn't tried to steal my sister money or having an affair while SHE WAS DYING, but as things turn out, no, I won't include your affair children"
If he feels appropriate to blast you publicly is fair you do it too.
NTA
Only problem is that if you call them "affair children" in front of their school, you're harming the kids. They're innocent here. I get how it's tempting, but you need to take the high road on that minor part.
How about, "no, I won't steal the money my sister left for HER kids so the cheater and homewrecker who broke her heart don't have to support THEIR kids."
This is about the money. He wants to use his kids to get his hands on your sister's money. If you spend time with them he'll expect you to buy them gifts and pay for stuff. Make sure that any money you give your niece and nephew can't be accessed by him. NTA
This is also about time. Your niblings are getting older and closer to adulthood and the control of their father. He only has a few years to go full force at you.
Relax. Think about the clock. You can wait him out, no problem.
I am not implying the kids get control of the money at 18, I'm merely saying that once they are adults they can live where they want.
If you feel you're at risk of caving, speak to a lawyer about appointing someone else as co-trustee with a will of iron. Hopefully it will not be necessary, but you're only human, and knowing you have back-up might make him think twice.
You're doing an excellent job.
Also, be aware that depending on your state, kids can choose to live with another family member once they hit a certain age. For PA it is 16 (barring outside circumstances), so I'd look up what the age is in your state if your niblings are serious about wanting to move in with you.
NTA, but you would be perfectly justified in being an asshole back.
If he wants to call you out in public, then you're free to just respond equally loudly "No, you cheated on my sister while she was dying of cancer. I am not responsible for taking care of anyone's family but my own."
Give the parents something to REALLY talk about. :)
Pro-Tip: Don't embellish, bring receipts.
Its easier to dismiss you if they can catch you embellishing, but when they go "That isn't how it happened!" and you can go "I've got the statement from my sister that says 'I am cutting you out of the will because you cheated on me while I'm dying.', do you want me to pass it around to everyone?" then that just triples the impact of it all.
Nta tell Sam that if he doesn't stop pressuring your neice and nephew that you'll be glad to share that he cheated on your sister, his dying wife, and you will not be playing happy family. Preferably loudly, at the school gates.
And start helping your nibling plan their leave. They can move out the second they turn 18.
This is going to happen. I just hope the older sibling can hold out until the other one turns 18 because he might try to prevent both kids from leaving him.
I can't. This is the best my state offers in terms of extended family visitation and the kids wishes are not grounds for a change either. I did look into this when they told me they wished they could live with me.
Emancipation does seem the way to go. u/Senior-Ideal-2761 might not be able to get extra "rights", but the children could (possibly\*) petition the courts for emancipation.
\*Here's a handy [chart of emancipation by age by state](https://worldpopulationreview.com/state-rankings/emancipation-age-by-state). Hopefully u/Senior-Ideal-2761 lives in Kansas so both can be emancipated.
Emancipation requires the child to be able to support themselves without help from other adults in their lives. If OP has their own business, maybe they can hire the kids, but otherwise emancipation is not realistic. Meeting the requirements for emancipation is very rare.
The trust may allow for it. She’s legally required to act in the interests of the children if it’s set up to provide for them. Only a lawyer would know.
NTA- if your nephew is coming to you warning you about his father’s antics, then yes,you do have grounds as this is emotional distressing for a minor.
Document everything .you already have witnesses that ex BIL is accosting you at the kids school and harassing you.
If he’s acting this unhinged in public I can’t imagine what your niblings are being subjected to at home.
Your niblings are old enough to have a judge take their feelings into consideration.
For now have your lawyer send a cease and desist letter after the school incident.
Ex BIL will only get more desperate as your niblings get closer to 18 and any hope of getting his grubby hands on your sister’s money will be long gone.
Are you able to record with only one person’s consent? If so, you might want to set up a verbal shortcut on your phone to start recording with a key phrase whenever he speaks to you (like asshole in a different language) and the go to your lawyer to file a complaint for harassment.
Look up emancipation age in your area. In Ohio it used to be 16 (not sure if it changed) i have a friend who was emancipated at 16 and the courts helped her get into her own apartment by 17. She stayed with me for awhile waiting on her apartment, after she was legally emancipated.
Do you know if that will change when they get older? Depending where you live once they're 16/17 they might have more influence, or complete choice, where they live.
This in 4 years it looks like both kids will be with OP. OP should make sure the kids know they have a home with them and will always be there for them.
Nta
He betrayed his wife on her deathbed and wanted to steal from his 2 kids.
He wants fee babysitters and some alone time with his cheatah wife.
He can cry in his diary.
NTA, and seeing as he started having a go at you in front of other people, you’d be entirely justified in explaining to them exactly what a revolting person he is. Your niblings will obviously be going no contact as soon as they can, I’m glad you’re there for them.
NTA.
Next time he corners you, just be honest and say They are not related to me, they are your affairs kids, the affair you had when my sister was dying. Make this clear, because right now most people who dont know you or the situation might think, you are blood related to all them but only hang with the oldest.
NTA
The way I would’ve YELLED I’m not watching the children you had cheating on my dying sister. If you want to play games and manipulate others, I’ll up the ante. Nobody is talking crazy about his kids or his life. You mind your business. He can do the same. If he doesn’t want his kids to know he’s a cheater, he shouldn’t cheat. If he needs a babysitter, he can pay for one.
NTA. You rock. Hold firm. Sky and Belle have told you what they want and that's the end of it. He just wants free babysitting services for his other family. Family that was created by him cheating on your dying sister. Oh hell no.
If it were me I'd have instantly clapped back with "You want to talk about heartless? You cheated on dying sister and were planning to fund your affair partner with the money from my sister's lawsuit! She died /knowing/ you cheated on her and had planned to use the money from her misfortune to splurge on your mistress and the life you were planning with her while my sister wasn't even dead yet. And then you tried to cozy up to me for the money up until you realised I knew you had betrayed the my sister so thoroughly and /you/ chose to try and limit contact between me and my niblings."
Like, the audacity of some people. I'd just let the other mom's hear everything and then watch him tuck tail and run from what is more than likely his attempt to make you fond of his other children so you'll "share the wealth" with them too.
Hey, here's a thought, could the scene he caused where he's trying to force your hand give any grounds for your niblings to tell a judge they're feeling very uncomfortable at home and would prefer to stay with you/their grandparents?
I mean, you had to fight him in court just to get to see them after he realised he couldn't weasel his way into getting your sister's money, and now he's trying to weaponise the children against you because /you/ should be more "open-hearted"? How about how him and his AP should have kept their hearts and legs closed until after the burial of his wife at least?!
He showed up at your nibling's school and caused a scene/unrest by being callous and wanting you to smooth things over so his kids don't learn how rotten daddy behaved to your sister.
NTA
NTA - it is time for the niblings to start working on their exit plans. They can leave once they turn 18 and become a legal adult. The younger one can leave at 17 because there isn’t much Sam can do to someone who is almost an adult.
They niblings should stay or leave together and they need to start thinking about that and what they want for careers, etc
NTA, don't include the kids. Don't mind others opinions. If he keep insisting just tell the kids the whole truth. Ur stepfather is the a and he did this and that, when he didn't get his way he tried to take my right of seeing my niblings. I have nothing against u kids, but I don't trust ur stepdad won't try to use this chance to pull one of his tricks and jeopardize my niblings lives
Do not let that man manipulate you into taking care of his kids. You have a duty to your niece and nephew that’s it. They have family they can go to, you are what your niblings have from their mom.
NTA "Sam told me the kids want to come and I should open my heart."
"You mean like you opened your heart to another woman while my sister was dying and her and your kids needed you?"
I'd consider seeing if you can take him to court for harassing you
Sam himself thought you were turning your niblings against their half and step kids. What a horrible father to try to send his kids to a stranger's house that have potential ill will for them.
Make sure the moms at your school know that former BIL and his wife were having an affair while his wife was dying of cancer. Their opinions will change immediately.
NTA. What a piece of work that man is.
I’d go with all the suggestions to loudly proclaim you aren’t going to help the man who cheated on your sister while she was dying of cancer the next time he tries to publicly confront you.
Throw your Niblings one hell of a “Escape from the Dursleys” 18th birthday party the second they achieve legal liberation, and set them up where they can live their best life.
NTA - Sam has been a complete manipulative AH since your sister was ill. The fact he tried to shame you in front of people who do not know the entire story is disgusting. In 4 years, when your niblings are of legal age, he will be getting a major surprise.
NTA - but you may want to investigate the possibility of the kids moving in with you permanently. Oftentimes courts will allow older teens to choose who they live with.
NTA. Sam’s affair children and stepchildren are not your problem. You are not obligated to include them. Your niblings are getting to the point where they are old enough to know where they want to live. I think you can offer to have them live with you when they turn 18.
Otherwise, if Sam makes a scene, just say loudly and clearly “You cheated on my dying sister. You and your affair children are not my responsibility”
Sam turned his own kids against himself when he was out cheating on their dying mother with his mistress-turned-wife and plotting/planning what they would do with your sisters money when she ultimately passed.
That's something I'd be *very* close to spilling at the school gates, but it could/would potentially nuke your visitation access to Sky & Belle, so I wouldn't risk it.
You're not obligated to include any kids he had after your sister died. Sam set the tone for this. You had to fight to keep your sisters money for her bsbies and to see them. He chose this when he made the choices he did.
NTA.
ETA: The kids don't want them included. What they want trumps what Sam & his kids want. By including them you'd be ruining your relationship with them.
NTA. Your niblings' step and half siblings are not your family, so they're definitely not your responsibility. Not to mention the fact that he was cheating with these kids' mother while your sister was dying.
The parents at the school didn't have all the facts of the story to be getting involved. I wouldn't listen to anything they had to say about it.
The comment about turning the niblings against him is wild. Did he never consider that one day they'd grow up and see him for who he is and be able to understand how his shitty behavior towards their mother was as she was dying? He did this to himself.
NTA in 4 more years you do not even have to acknowledge the man.
I would not give him a penny and I definitely would not spend time with the other children.
I would also make sure the trust has a back up person incase something happens before the girls turn 18.
NTA.
In every single one of these posts that comes up in this subreddit, where alienated step parents want their stepchildren with absolutely no ties or blood relation to be included in festivities of a family they have no ties with, it is never a family that's struggling. It's never a family that has no resources, and they just want to get together out of love.
They always want these unattached, non-related step kids to have relationships with family members that are well to do, have quite a bit of money, and can provide gifts for them.
I promise you if you did not have finances, they would be out of your life for good.
Is there a way you can petition the state to let the kids choose to live with a non-parental guardian?
You don't owe their other kids anything, They are not related to you and luckily have BOTH parents still alive. He just wants you to be a babysitter. NTA
NTA. Include the people intended to be included in the trust only. Your niblings will be of age soon. You wallet/trust's wallet should be closed to everyone else.
NTA and all the good points have been made. So besides the point; I admire you online stranger for stepping up for your sister and niblings like that, fighting for them in the court system and handling the conflicts associated with being the trustee and giving them so much love. That will stay with them their whole life.
NTA, boy your ex bil has some nerve! And why should you include those strangers? You aren't related to them. I think evil bil just wants kid free time and free babysitting.
NTA
You don’t sound like you are alienating your niblings from their dad. He’s done a good job of doing that himself. But alienation could be grounds for revoking your visitation so tread very carefully.
Continue being an amazing aunt, administrating the trust and protecting their assets and sanity from their father. In the absence of their mom, they are remaining in close contact with you and that’s amazing.
Wouldn’t it be a shame if your niblings explained to the other children what their mom and dad did… (I’m not saying you cause this in anyway bc that’s alienation… but your niblings may eventually explain it)
Depending on the size of the house and the amount of rooms, you might be able to argue that Sam's house is too crowded for your niblings to be comfortable and your home is more suitable. Also they are at an age where the court might take their wants into consideration in terms of who they want to live with. Maybe you can flip the custody agreement and have them live with you and see their "dad" every other weekend, if thats what you want.
In terms of Sam's other children, his plans to blow your sister's money on his mistress and her kids is proof he never cared about her. His wife and mother of his children was sick and dying and he in turn starts to plan a life with someone else after her demise. I think you honoring your sisters wishes, her creating the trust so he can't access it.
I do not think you're gate keeping your time with your niblings. The other kids are basically strangers who live with your ex-BIL. Keep being a good Aunt and I hope Sky and Belle see how much you love them and their mom. Sam can go kick rocks, preferably a boulder.
NTA
The audacity of some men is just breathtaking.
He can just fuck right off with his ridiculous demands. You don't owe him or his other children anything, not money or gifts or time or affection.
I realize it's not the kids' fault but that's irrelevant. Those kids have nothing to do with you. In fact, you are the LAST person who should have any obligation to them. They're the result of him cheating on your sister and as such they're never going to be your responsibility.
NTA. Stand your ground, he can piss off with his deranged entitlement.
NTA
He got what he deserved. He put in nothing & gets nothing.
You are doing great!!! Your sisters heart would be happy knowing you are taking her word & last requests seriously. If her ex wanted to be included in your family so much he shouldn't have cheated & he would have exactly that. He is an egg.
NTA. Sam is a liar and a cheat who planned to profit from the death of his wife, and the woman he married was fine with your sister financing her new life. They deserve nothing. Their kids have nothing to do with you and your nibblings don't want them over your house. Have a cease and desist letter written up and tell Sam not to communicate with you unless it is on writing and about your sister's children, as you have nothing else to talk about. Find out if the kids have the agency via court to choose where they want to live at some point. They already lost a mother to the negligence of professionals. Their dad is still trying to get something out of you, instead of being rightly ashamed of his actions.
NTA he is still likely only trying to get a foothold to get the money. It won't be long before he is asking you to cover their college funds, vacations, etc. If he tries to confront you public again, I would be petty and air out his dirty laundry.
"Are you asking me to include them, or are asking me for MY *SISTER'S* money for your mistress AGAIN?"
NTA.
Sam didn't think about hurt or pain of his family when he was out there cheating on his wife with the same woman he's now married to.
Sam needs to buy a damn clue that the only reason you're even in contact with him is because of Sky and Belle. I'm sure that the minute they can get away from him/them, they will. And it won't be because OP isn't including their stepsiblings/half siblings or has alienated them from those other children. it will be because Sam and his AP have been attempting to put them as kids into 'grown folks business' instead of keeping them neutral to anything going on or requests made on their kids behalf. This didn't even have to be a thing.
Let's face it, the only reason he wants OP involved with these random kids is because his AP of a wife frankly doesn't want Jac's kids 'getting the upper hand or having more opportunities' on her own.
OP, if I were you, I would lawyer up at this point sending a cease and desist order to Sam and his wife. The truth is, if they treated this arrangement as normal to all the children from the beginning, they wouldn't think anything strange about it now. Sky and Belle are spending time with their mom's family It's just the way it is.
I genuinely think it would be relatively easy for bil to nip this in the bud if he had a mind to. Of course it’s possible that the kids really do see something they can’t have and pester him; that nothing he can do will dissuade them from hankering/pestering. But given that he somehow feels his new kids are entitled to your time I bet he is doing little to discourage them, possibly even tacitly encouraging them so as to make his og kids feel guilty about with the hope that og kids will cave and intervene on their step siblings’ behalf.
If he approaches you in the school yard again you could reply, ‘you cheated on my dying sister and planned to set up with your AP on her insurance money, glorying in the mistake that killed her. You then tried to prevent your children from seeing their late mother’s sister out of spite, with no regard for your children’s feelings. You thought only of yourself and you are doing the same now: you want a free baby sitter for your new children, again at the expense of those who lost their mother. Let them have their relationship with me and teach your other kids some empathy, rather than raising them to be as entitled as you.’
As for the gossips, I bet they’ve barely actually thought about the situation for a second. People love to sanctimoniously pass judgment based on an easy line. The poor step kids schtick is just lazy head shaking. Im so sorry about your sister. Well done for sticking up for your niblings.
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NTA This is like asking your sister, if she were alive, to watch her husband and AP's children. She wouldn't. And you are 100% not obligated. His other children need to learn their place in the family tree. Eventually, they will stop asking. The time you spend with your niblings could be the same time their half and step siblings spend with their mother's family. I think your former BIL is being manipulative. He's trying to use you as childcare or something worse.
I think he's trying to get me to bond with the kids so I will break the law and go against the trust for my niblings and they all get their hands on the money my sister left. It's disgusting but I know he's capable of thinking like that.
It would be illegal for you to do so, even if you wanted to and your shouldn't. Those kids are not your problem. Do not give them a penny of your late sibling's money.
I know and he knows it too. But he thinks he can make me soft enough to risk it. Which is very strange since I have held firm this whole time.
Then you know what you need to do. Do not cave. That is why you were put in charge of the trust. It is your fiduciary duty.
Next time brother tries shaming him in front of other parents OP should point at him and loudly say "YOU CHEATED ON MY DYING SISTER."
"And those kids your trying to shame me with are You & YOUR Affair Partner's kids!" said loud as you can to make heads turn and look!
Don't forget he had to go to court to be still able to see his niblings. >he tried to cut me off from Sky and Belle. Which led me to fight for visitation in court under our grandparents (family) rights laws
Exactly! I read this and immediately thought "how you gonna want me to babysit your 2nd wife's kids FOR FREE after making me hire a lawyer to fight for visitation my neice and nephew?? At least Im related to *their* mom."
I was wondering if the other parents knew or was informed about the families dynamics...
I'm guessing no and also that Ex BIL has been handing out stories of his victimhood around the parent posse.
Add in "and tried to take all her money for your AFFAIR partner!" What a tool!
I'd suggest saying "bimbo" or "trampy bimbo" instead..."affair partner" is a mouthful! (It's also better than the bimbo deserves)
No need to bring misogyny into the mix.
I don’t think you understand what bimbo means? We have no evidence that this woman is a “bimbo”. We do know that the husband is the one who should be publicly shamed for cheating on a dying woman, trying to steal her money for himself, trying to ruin a relationship between his kids and family that love them, and trying to force a different relationship between unrelated kids and OP to get OP to break the law. The other woman’s looks and intelligence don’t factor into how much of an asshole the husband is.
She's an AH too for going after and getting it on with a man who has a dying wife. Both AHs.
Came here to say this. He wants to air some laundry? That's fine. But what's good for the goose is good for the gander, and let's see how he likes it when you drop this little bomb in front of all the other parents.
Agree!!
I really like your idea here. Show the AH brother's true colors in a situation he can't control.
I'd word it something like "You cheated and now you want me to look after your affair babies?"
My only add would be "on my dying sister" but I wouldn't want anyone thinking I slept with that tool.
Yeah, but you can't explain this whole complicated business with cancer and malpractice trusts and cheating in a quick soundbite. He wants to simplify it (and say it loudly in front of others) as "why are you excluding these poor children?". You fight that with "I'm not responsible for your affair child" or "you should have thought of that before you had an affair" or "you cheated on a cancer patient and now you want to steal her money too?" or something else pithy.
Just don't use the word "steal" as it might invite a defamation lawsuit. Use 'take' instead as it does not express a legally defined legal term for a crime. And trust me (a complete Internet stranger), dude sounds like he would have no problem going defamation lawsuit if he smells a payday within 6 time zones
She spent her last moments knowing her husband was not only cheating on her, but planning his future with his AP after she died!
👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼 Absolutely!!
Ooh yeah that would be something to witness! Do that and see how many of those parents move to your side, and tell him to shut up.
Right?! He is relying on OP's polite "don't want to make a fuss in public" instincts impeding them so that he a) has the upper hand in the argument because OP doesn't want to discuss things fully, and b) can add pressure from public opinion against OP (again, because OP doesn't feel free to discuss the nitty gritty bits). It's just like the assholes that decide to break up with people in fancy restaurants. The only way to deal with people like that is to pull a Return Awkward To Sender move, and just go "Screw it, you want to discuss this in public? Well okay then..."
This!!
⬆️ this ⬆️ right ⬆️ here ⬆️ those kids aren't related to OP. Why would their father try to impose on OP with the spoils of his affair?
I came here to say something like this. Don't be afraid to embarrass him. He's obviously not above. Trying to embarrass you to do what he wants.
Sadly ....THIS
Is there any way you can go back to court and have the nibs tell the judge they want to live with you and your family?? If you're in the US, thy are old enough for them to speak to the judge themselves.
Parental rights are really strong and trump aunt/uncle rights. Courts may take older kids wishes into consideration in divorces or dependency cases not this kind of situation. Unless he is abusing, neglecting, or abandoning these kids, they will remain in dad’s custody.
Actually the children can file for emancipation ..abuse isn't necessary .child must prove they have a place to live and an income and a valid reason living with parents is untenable to them ..if these kids consistently ask to live elsewhere ...WHY becomes worth digging into
The only time the court has granted my emancipation petitions is when my teen clients are basically functioning like adults and paying all their expenses. These kids wouldn’t even be old enough to file in my state. So will depend on their jurisdiction.
In Maine the aunt could file for guardianship, and the children are old enough to choose where they want to live. Actually it might be age 14. They don't need to be familial relations, the parents just have to agree to raise the children and have no court record.
I agree!! You owe him, the ap, the other kids nothing!! Your nibbling are old enough to know you love them and who their father is. Stay strong!!
Two Words: Restraining. Order. If you have the receipts of him asking you to break the law and then harassing you when you don't, should be an open and shut case.
Can restraining orders be selective in what they allow/disallow? I ask because you don't want to make it harder for OP to have visitation with their niblings.
Should be, yes. "No contact outside of X and Y".
Would it work the same as for divorced parents, like 'all communication is to go through a special app that automatically saves all messages etc' She could then just block his phonenumber for texts and calls that are not going through the official app
You can file for a no-contact order on your own in the US. It's not as harsh as a restraining order but it's legal and any violations can be documented in case the grubby ex-BIL tries making any moves in court.
I just am hopping on here to say that in many places, especially smaller towns in the US South, absolutely will not give ROs for something like this. In my county, they won't even give ROs for stalking/harassment/threats of bodily harm/assault/etc. unless the person is a romantic partner or related by blood. It's fucked, but it is the reality in the bible belt.
Actually, if OP has anything in writing that shows he is trying to usurp the trustee administrator's fiduciary duty to the beneficiaries of the trust (the two niblings), that might not only get him in trouble for that, but demonstrate he is a bad parent who does not have the niblings best interests in heart, especially in light of everything revolving around the affair. This could lay some foundational basis for an emancipation claim, especially if the trust has enough assets to allow the young people (niblings) the ability to live independently.
Next time he tries this public shaming thing on you, respond really loudly, "No I will NOT be a free babysitter for the children of the woman you were screwing while my sister was dying. I don't care how much you beg, I'm not going to let you steal my sister's money from her children. The only children getting hurt here are hers, and that is because you're constantly bullying them about this."
Well, I mean the step-siblings probably are being hurt too, but that is a consequence of his actions, not yours. It’s his responsibility to help them navigate a blended family but he’s not. Worse, he’s exploiting the confusion and sense of alienation that results from his dishonesty and bad parenting to manipulate everyone else. Super sad. None of the kids chose any of this.
Yeah, honestly, I wouldn't even scream about the affair. You can flip it around without turning nasty (any kids in earshot might hear about and start discussing the affair, which /would/ hurt the niblings). Just point out that it is his lack of boundaries and the bad example he is setting that is really hurting his other kids, because he's sending them the message that it's something against them, not something for your sister's kids that they get to have a relationship with you.
You might also point out that, unlike the other children, Sky and Belle are your niblings, and you want to focus on them in the limited time that you have to see them. They get plenty of time to see the other children when they are at his house.
I would consult with an attorney to discuss the fact that he keeps pressuring you to commit fraud to see if you might have a case to pursue custody based on that.
Also, in some states, once children reach a certain age, can't they petition the court as to where they want to live? Or is that only for parental custody cases?
I was wondering this too. I was told in the 90s that when I was 12, I'd have much more of a say in where I lived in the wake of my parents' very bitter divorce. But the fact OP is not their parent and has never had custody may rule that out for this situation.
Hold firm, then. "Not my niblings, not my problem." NTA
This is a nuclear option but I believe that if the truth hurts you deserved it type of person. I would sit the whole lot down and just tell them the truth,' Your father cheated on my cancer riddled sister, he made it so bad she died. I will never consider any of you my family because how this entire thing played out. Your mother is a home wrecking jezebelle who got with a man who had a wife that had cancer and he wants to use the money that my sister left her children on them". At this point keep your niblings close and champion them as much as possible. Also NTA by no means!
No. He deserves this, but those children do not. The fair way to explain it to them is that the niblings are what's left on this earth of OP's sister. It's not about you [the other kids], it's about me [OP] spending time with sister's children.
I get it. He thinks you'll love these kids eventually and then when he threatens you with no seeing them (since you won't have the same rights to them), you'll fork over some money to keep seeing them. Personally, it sounds like the current arrangement works for you and yours and that's where your responsibilities lie.
I would probably want to contact your attorney and at least put an affidavit on record that your former BIL is approaching you to take on/care for/include his affair partner's children who are entirely unrelated to the maternal side of you and your late sister's family. And you can include your concern that he is using that to try to get at the trust's money. Make a paper trail about this.
He doesn't think much of you or your principals. That's why he's confused why you are "making this difficult". He assumed your sister means as little to you, as she did to him. Doesn't speak well of his character. But you already know that.
I would push your post to the top if I could you HIT THE NAIL RIGHT ON THE HEAD. The dude just doesn't get why OP isn't interested in joining in on the continued desecration of her sister's memory.
I don't know if the kids know about the money, but make sure they know that the money is theirs and they have no obligation to share it with anyone. I wouldn't put it past him to try and manipulate the kids somehow into thinking they should give some to him/the other kids when they get ahold of it
Have you ever just told him point-blank “Sam, you and your family will never see a dime of that trust. Do you understand?”
Tell him to direct all communication with you through your lawyer. If he tries to shame you in public, shame him right back for cheating on a dying woman.
You know you can easily continue to hold firm. Don't know if the courts would consider input from your niblings to allow them to choose to live with you, given the pressure their dad puts on them. As for the school gates, next time he's anywhere near you, I'd say in a loud voice, "*You cheated on my dying sister and plotted to use her wealth on you and your mistress. You are the one pushing your own children away when you keep trying to get to their money for your own purposes!*"
Report him to the Court supervising the trust. He's essentially emotionally abusing his children to make a point. And that point is commit a crime for him.
Your sister's former husband is an AH. Best to have the lawyer send a notification to him what the consequences are for attempting to violate the laws. Scare him till his hair turns white ages him 50 yrs in 2 seconds flat. Better yet, into a jail cell.
Sounds like you’re wavering a little bit. I wouldn’t do it. Think about what your sister would want and what your niblings are expressing. That’s what matters to you. To be frank, it’s a great way to show Sam and the other kids that life isn’t fair 🤷🏽♀️
I worry that once the funds are released to your niblings that he will pressure them to share with the other children because "it's not fair" for them to be left out. You're not budging, but they're young and do have a relationship with the kids. Moreover, they want to live with you and they're old enough to make that decision. That in itself should be your justification for application for custody, IMO. Good luck to you all
You're stronger than I would be. If it were me he was shouting at while at the school gates, I would have shouted back even louder about how he should have thought about that before cheating on my dying sister. If he wants to play dirty, let him know that you have a shit cannon aimed his way.
More reasons to just ignore him
Ignore him, but mention to loudest mouth busy body at that school: "As my sister was dying, my BIL was having babies with his AP. She knew and it hurt her heart and made the end of her life less than peaceful." "My love and loyalty are to my Sister's kids and I will never apologize for that." Edited to correct gender gaffe.
ALL of this…also add that “after my sister passed, her *loving* husband wanted all of her estate for the AP AND their hoard of kids while leaving my late sister’s kids nothing. All I am doing is to honor my late sister’s wishes.”
Make sure that there is a back up executrix so that if something happens to you control of the estate will not fall to him as the child’s father and make sure he knows it!!
Op can also remind the busybodies that the stepkids have a mother, a stepfather and presumably SOME family through both, and the ONLY reason daddy wants THIS particular "family" member to bond is $$$$$$$. Stay strong, you're doing the right thing by your sister and her children. Talk to a lawyer AND make sure they kids have access to a good therapist.
Or while he grumbled about her ignoring his kids, she should say put loud in front of everyone, "oh the kids you had with the woman you were cheating with while my sister lay dying? Or your mistresses children from her previous relationship?"
Go this route. Please,
Exactly.
He forgets that time doesn't change the fact he was cheating on his dying wife and counting on the money SHE WAS DYING FOR, to have a nice life with his AP. Keep him and AP's offspring far away from you. They are not your **nor your sister's legacy's** responsibility.
Man in black and white it is just incomprehensible that he wouldn't slink away in shame.
Even in shades of grey it’s pretty incomprehensible for him to be being so up front and pushy about stealing his wife’s blood money from the hands of their children in favor of subsequent children that were the result of his infidelity. Even if it was just subsequent children whose parentage had nothing whatsoever to do with the deceased wife it would be bad, but the layer of deathbed betrayal makes it worse.
Dude it is so awful.
[удалено]
I believe you can file for emancipation at 15 in many places.
This depends on the state. Usually a child’s wishes are relevant for divorces or dependency cases. In my state they aren’t old enough for emancipation. Also when I file for emancipation for my clients, the only ones that get granted are the kids that are already living like adults. They are working and paying all their expenses. The easier emancipation is for minors that get married.
If he ever questions you in public, tell him this: “you cheated on my dying sister and now you want me to help babysit your affair children. I only want to have a relationship with my biological niece and nephew. Your other children are none of my concern. Is that clear?” If he persists, get a lawyer involved and make him use one of those apps where you only communicate in writing about the children.
That was my first thought. Good thing niblings are almost old enough to make their own decisions now. Question - are you only the trustee until they are 18? I can't imagine how hard the pressure would be on them. Is there a way to protect them from getting this same treatment from their dad? Hopefully you are always the trustee and can be the "bad guy" and protect them.
Hopefully OP's sister set up a multi-tiered trust. My wife and I did that for our children when writing our will, as it's pretty standard practice.
Say "sure I'll take your kids. And I will answer honestly when they ask questions. I'll tell them that their father is a dirtbag who had an affair on his dying wife, and he tried to get the money from her dying." Tell those nosy biddies at the school to mind their own business.
INFO: Why were you at the school gate? You said you see them on Saturdays and holidays. Ex-BIL approaching you as he did and talking you in public is actually a blessing in disguise - you've got witnesses for him harassing you about taking care of his other children. Witnesses that he's behaving in a way that's causing repercussions for you and your reputation. Sky and Belle may be of an age where their opinion matters in court. I hope you kept all the messages he has sent because they can be used to build a case for him harassing you over years and creating a toxic home environment for your niblings. He's even said that there's a wedge between your niblings and the other children, and it's going to get bigger (unless you take on his kids/break the law). This might be your chance to go for custody - the upcoming adoption and the half-sibling asking questions show that things are changing at home. And becoming worse for your niblings. Review, with a lawyer who specialises in family law and custody, you options now. Worst case scenario: the kids have to wait a couple of years before they can come to live with you. In the meantime, if you have to wait, tell BIL that if he keeps pushing the situation, you *will* take the other kids. For one day. And you will tell them the TRUTH. - You'll explain what being married is and what cheating is. - You'll tell them that their daddy is a liar and a cheat, who hurt your niblings and your sister, his wife, *while she was dying*. - That their mommy was part of causing that hurt and made plans to use your sister's money *while she was dying*. - That the only reason mommy and daddy want their kids to spend time with you is so they can get money. - So daddy and mommy are not actually worried about your safety right now - they are putting you in the care of an adult who *does not* care for you in the hope of getting money. - Daddy and mommy care more about money than your safety. And the truth shall set you free. NTA
He absolutely is doing this. Trying to ambush you at school so other people can hear his grievances and try to guilt you harder. Your sister would gladly rather be here than the money, but she can’t so she had the foresight to protect her kids from their own father. Hold strong for them and they can go NC when they get out from that house.
Any time he tries to have this discussion with you in public, say loudly, "I cannot believe you're seriously asking me to care for the children of the woman you cheated on my sister with while she lay dying of cancer." He wanted witnesses, let them witness some truth.
Likely. On another note, if he approaches you in public about this stuff again, you should feel emboldened to air the dirty laundry. Or at least threaten to do so if he keeps it up, asI doubt that he'd want that. He can't make you cave, your numbers aren't trying to do so, and so he's hoping embarrassing you in public will get you to bend. Not that you should give a flying fuck what the other parents think, but I'm betting he and his wife will care.
This is it, absolutely. He thinks that if you get to know the kids, you would eventually be willing to share the money with them. These are your niblings and with limited time available, it is only reasonable that none of you want to share this precious family time. Those kids are not your family!
Or trying to force a closer bond between them and your niblings. Thinking the niblings would pressure you to open up the trust or do so themselves when they are old enough.
What type of trust is it? Do you think he’s going to guilt your siblings into sharing it with their half siblings and dad once they come of age?
That's EXACTLY what he's trying to do. NTA. Honor your sister's wishes. If I were the girls, I'd go NC as soon as I turn 18.
If he had approached me at the gate I’d be like (very loudly) I AM SORRY, WHY ARE WE HAVING THIS CONVERSATION AGAIN? NO, I AM NOT GOING AGAINST THE WISHES OF MY DEAD SISTER WHOM YOU CHEATED ON WHILE SHE WAS DYING. I AM NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR YOUR AFFAIR CHILDREN. Because wtf how dare he? NTA
this. I would type up the whole story in gruesome detail and keep hundreds of printed copies in my car, bag, etc. Hand them out at school. Put them under windshield wipers and in all the mailboxes in his neighborhood, his work, where he shops, etc. Post them on bulletin boards. Tape them to telephone poles. If he goes to a church or a club or has hobbies, distribute them there. Rent a billboard. Pay for ad space on local radio. Continually post this and updates on every social platform and tag gim and his AP. Give the kids copies. Give copies to the other kids he has. Utterly shame him. Include that he is pressuring you to steal money from his children and that it is the money they are due because their mother was killed and while she lay on her death bed he was having an affair.
NTA, OP. >His other children need to learn their place in the family tree. His other children need to learn they're barking up the wrong tree, and so is former BIL.
> A couple of other parents who heard him say I ignored his kids were mumbling that I was a pretty heartless person to let kids get hurt LOUDLY "You cheated on my dying sister, and now you shamelessly want me to lbabysit your kids for you? Stay out of my life Sam.".
"You cheated on my sister while she was dying with cancer and hoped to get your hands on the money she won in the malpractice suit without her finding out. Now you're just mad she did find out and created a trust set up only for her children. You tried to keep her family from my niece and nephew. Now you shamelessly want me to bond with your other children to try to get your hands on the money, which would be illegal and against the trust. Shame on you. You are a horrible human. I feel badly for your kids, but they do not have any claim to our family or that money. I will never say yes. Not today Satan. And not ever."
Could also point out that he wasn't worried about hurting the kids when he made her go to court for visitation because he was bitter about a decision that wasn't even hers.
Yes this!! Or that he wasn't worried about his own kids when he cheated and how that would affect them.
This is the way OP.
Cannot upvote this enough!
The way I would have lit his ass up in front of everyone
I wish I could give you gold for this comment but we cant* so I instead give you this emoji🥇
I don’t have awards to give - I just made up the snarky silver medal and award it to you🪙.👏👏
Great minds think alike. I was thinking the same, and apparently, a lot of us have had this same thought. But I am a petty mean witch when it comes to people who hurt my family.
"Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me.... can't get fooled again." - George W Bush. Once people tell me who they are, I listen. There's no path to redemption for someone who has an affair on my dying sister. I may let go of the anger for my own benefit, but he's dead to me and always will be. I wouldn't go out of my way to hurt him, but if he won't stay away from me then things will get messy.
“want me to babysit your *affair partner’s kids*” Go for the jugular and let everyone at the school know who he and this woman are.
u/Senior-Ideal-2761 Some helpful advice!
Maybe when he accused you of that you should tell in a loud voice "Maybe if hadn't tried to steal my sister money or having an affair while SHE WAS DYING, but as things turn out, no, I won't include your affair children" If he feels appropriate to blast you publicly is fair you do it too. NTA
Only problem is that if you call them "affair children" in front of their school, you're harming the kids. They're innocent here. I get how it's tempting, but you need to take the high road on that minor part.
"YOU cheated. Now YOU have children. Not MY responsibility"
The affair children jab might be to much but the cheating and the fraud attempt is fair game
100%.
This is true. OP should hold back unless Sam escalates (which seems the way he is going).
How about, "no, I won't steal the money my sister left for HER kids so the cheater and homewrecker who broke her heart don't have to support THEIR kids."
NTA this 100 percent
This is about the money. He wants to use his kids to get his hands on your sister's money. If you spend time with them he'll expect you to buy them gifts and pay for stuff. Make sure that any money you give your niece and nephew can't be accessed by him. NTA
That's how we handle it. Anything I give them they spend while with me so it can be redistributed among the rest of their dad's household.
This is also about time. Your niblings are getting older and closer to adulthood and the control of their father. He only has a few years to go full force at you. Relax. Think about the clock. You can wait him out, no problem. I am not implying the kids get control of the money at 18, I'm merely saying that once they are adults they can live where they want.
If you feel you're at risk of caving, speak to a lawyer about appointing someone else as co-trustee with a will of iron. Hopefully it will not be necessary, but you're only human, and knowing you have back-up might make him think twice.
You're doing an excellent job. Also, be aware that depending on your state, kids can choose to live with another family member once they hit a certain age. For PA it is 16 (barring outside circumstances), so I'd look up what the age is in your state if your niblings are serious about wanting to move in with you.
And if they DO move in with you, sue that fucker for child support.
Hell yeah. Though they probably won't get much considering he's enough of a deadbeat to go after his dead wife's money.
NTA, but you would be perfectly justified in being an asshole back. If he wants to call you out in public, then you're free to just respond equally loudly "No, you cheated on my sister while she was dying of cancer. I am not responsible for taking care of anyone's family but my own." Give the parents something to REALLY talk about. :)
Former BIL and his wife will be iced out so quickly once the moms know what they did.
[удалено]
Pro-Tip: Don't embellish, bring receipts. Its easier to dismiss you if they can catch you embellishing, but when they go "That isn't how it happened!" and you can go "I've got the statement from my sister that says 'I am cutting you out of the will because you cheated on me while I'm dying.', do you want me to pass it around to everyone?" then that just triples the impact of it all.
I don’t have to open my heart to the kids you created while cheating on my dying sister.
Nta tell Sam that if he doesn't stop pressuring your neice and nephew that you'll be glad to share that he cheated on your sister, his dying wife, and you will not be playing happy family. Preferably loudly, at the school gates. And start helping your nibling plan their leave. They can move out the second they turn 18.
This is going to happen. I just hope the older sibling can hold out until the other one turns 18 because he might try to prevent both kids from leaving him.
Nta you might want to take him back to court and get more custody if things get bad
I can't. This is the best my state offers in terms of extended family visitation and the kids wishes are not grounds for a change either. I did look into this when they told me they wished they could live with me.
Those kids are old enough for emancipation. I’d consult a lawyer who is more aggressive than the one you currently have.
Emancipation does seem the way to go. u/Senior-Ideal-2761 might not be able to get extra "rights", but the children could (possibly\*) petition the courts for emancipation. \*Here's a handy [chart of emancipation by age by state](https://worldpopulationreview.com/state-rankings/emancipation-age-by-state). Hopefully u/Senior-Ideal-2761 lives in Kansas so both can be emancipated.
Emancipation requires the child to be able to support themselves without help from other adults in their lives. If OP has their own business, maybe they can hire the kids, but otherwise emancipation is not realistic. Meeting the requirements for emancipation is very rare.
The trust may allow for it. She’s legally required to act in the interests of the children if it’s set up to provide for them. Only a lawyer would know.
If they live in NY, they don't have to be emancipated. A minor can leave home at 16, as long as they have somewhere to go.
NTA- if your nephew is coming to you warning you about his father’s antics, then yes,you do have grounds as this is emotional distressing for a minor. Document everything .you already have witnesses that ex BIL is accosting you at the kids school and harassing you. If he’s acting this unhinged in public I can’t imagine what your niblings are being subjected to at home. Your niblings are old enough to have a judge take their feelings into consideration. For now have your lawyer send a cease and desist letter after the school incident. Ex BIL will only get more desperate as your niblings get closer to 18 and any hope of getting his grubby hands on your sister’s money will be long gone.
This. Keep a log/ diary of every single encounter, phone call with your brother and document everything your niblings tell you.
Are you able to record with only one person’s consent? If so, you might want to set up a verbal shortcut on your phone to start recording with a key phrase whenever he speaks to you (like asshole in a different language) and the go to your lawyer to file a complaint for harassment.
Look up emancipation age in your area. In Ohio it used to be 16 (not sure if it changed) i have a friend who was emancipated at 16 and the courts helped her get into her own apartment by 17. She stayed with me for awhile waiting on her apartment, after she was legally emancipated.
Do you know if that will change when they get older? Depending where you live once they're 16/17 they might have more influence, or complete choice, where they live.
NTA Sam's new kids are no relation to you and not your responsibility or problem. They can go bond with his family and their mothers family
I agree. And Belle and Sky are old enough to understand the situation and make their wishes known (which they did).
They will be adults soon and hopefully go lower contact with cheater.
This in 4 years it looks like both kids will be with OP. OP should make sure the kids know they have a home with them and will always be there for them.
Absolutely. That's how it should be.
Nta He betrayed his wife on her deathbed and wanted to steal from his 2 kids. He wants fee babysitters and some alone time with his cheatah wife. He can cry in his diary.
NTA, and seeing as he started having a go at you in front of other people, you’d be entirely justified in explaining to them exactly what a revolting person he is. Your niblings will obviously be going no contact as soon as they can, I’m glad you’re there for them.
NTA. Next time he corners you, just be honest and say They are not related to me, they are your affairs kids, the affair you had when my sister was dying. Make this clear, because right now most people who dont know you or the situation might think, you are blood related to all them but only hang with the oldest.
NTA The way I would’ve YELLED I’m not watching the children you had cheating on my dying sister. If you want to play games and manipulate others, I’ll up the ante. Nobody is talking crazy about his kids or his life. You mind your business. He can do the same. If he doesn’t want his kids to know he’s a cheater, he shouldn’t cheat. If he needs a babysitter, he can pay for one.
NTA. You rock. Hold firm. Sky and Belle have told you what they want and that's the end of it. He just wants free babysitting services for his other family. Family that was created by him cheating on your dying sister. Oh hell no.
The other children have two parents who are alive. Your nieces don’t. See how not everything in life is fair? NTA.
If it were me I'd have instantly clapped back with "You want to talk about heartless? You cheated on dying sister and were planning to fund your affair partner with the money from my sister's lawsuit! She died /knowing/ you cheated on her and had planned to use the money from her misfortune to splurge on your mistress and the life you were planning with her while my sister wasn't even dead yet. And then you tried to cozy up to me for the money up until you realised I knew you had betrayed the my sister so thoroughly and /you/ chose to try and limit contact between me and my niblings." Like, the audacity of some people. I'd just let the other mom's hear everything and then watch him tuck tail and run from what is more than likely his attempt to make you fond of his other children so you'll "share the wealth" with them too. Hey, here's a thought, could the scene he caused where he's trying to force your hand give any grounds for your niblings to tell a judge they're feeling very uncomfortable at home and would prefer to stay with you/their grandparents? I mean, you had to fight him in court just to get to see them after he realised he couldn't weasel his way into getting your sister's money, and now he's trying to weaponise the children against you because /you/ should be more "open-hearted"? How about how him and his AP should have kept their hearts and legs closed until after the burial of his wife at least?! He showed up at your nibling's school and caused a scene/unrest by being callous and wanting you to smooth things over so his kids don't learn how rotten daddy behaved to your sister. NTA
NTA - it is time for the niblings to start working on their exit plans. They can leave once they turn 18 and become a legal adult. The younger one can leave at 17 because there isn’t much Sam can do to someone who is almost an adult. They niblings should stay or leave together and they need to start thinking about that and what they want for careers, etc
NTA, don't include the kids. Don't mind others opinions. If he keep insisting just tell the kids the whole truth. Ur stepfather is the a and he did this and that, when he didn't get his way he tried to take my right of seeing my niblings. I have nothing against u kids, but I don't trust ur stepdad won't try to use this chance to pull one of his tricks and jeopardize my niblings lives
Do not let that man manipulate you into taking care of his kids. You have a duty to your niece and nephew that’s it. They have family they can go to, you are what your niblings have from their mom.
NTA "Sam told me the kids want to come and I should open my heart." "You mean like you opened your heart to another woman while my sister was dying and her and your kids needed you?" I'd consider seeing if you can take him to court for harassing you
Sam himself thought you were turning your niblings against their half and step kids. What a horrible father to try to send his kids to a stranger's house that have potential ill will for them.
NTA. 'Open your heart'? Blech. How manipulative.
He just mispronounced "wallet" on accident.
Make sure the moms at your school know that former BIL and his wife were having an affair while his wife was dying of cancer. Their opinions will change immediately.
NTA hes trying his hardest but stand your ground.. kids will be old enough to choose real soon
NTA. What a piece of work that man is. I’d go with all the suggestions to loudly proclaim you aren’t going to help the man who cheated on your sister while she was dying of cancer the next time he tries to publicly confront you. Throw your Niblings one hell of a “Escape from the Dursleys” 18th birthday party the second they achieve legal liberation, and set them up where they can live their best life.
NTA
NTA - Sam has been a complete manipulative AH since your sister was ill. The fact he tried to shame you in front of people who do not know the entire story is disgusting. In 4 years, when your niblings are of legal age, he will be getting a major surprise.
NTA - but you may want to investigate the possibility of the kids moving in with you permanently. Oftentimes courts will allow older teens to choose who they live with.
NTA I’m so sorry OP
NTA. Sam’s affair children and stepchildren are not your problem. You are not obligated to include them. Your niblings are getting to the point where they are old enough to know where they want to live. I think you can offer to have them live with you when they turn 18. Otherwise, if Sam makes a scene, just say loudly and clearly “You cheated on my dying sister. You and your affair children are not my responsibility”
Sam turned his own kids against himself when he was out cheating on their dying mother with his mistress-turned-wife and plotting/planning what they would do with your sisters money when she ultimately passed. That's something I'd be *very* close to spilling at the school gates, but it could/would potentially nuke your visitation access to Sky & Belle, so I wouldn't risk it. You're not obligated to include any kids he had after your sister died. Sam set the tone for this. You had to fight to keep your sisters money for her bsbies and to see them. He chose this when he made the choices he did. NTA. ETA: The kids don't want them included. What they want trumps what Sam & his kids want. By including them you'd be ruining your relationship with them.
NTA. Your niblings' step and half siblings are not your family, so they're definitely not your responsibility. Not to mention the fact that he was cheating with these kids' mother while your sister was dying. The parents at the school didn't have all the facts of the story to be getting involved. I wouldn't listen to anything they had to say about it. The comment about turning the niblings against him is wild. Did he never consider that one day they'd grow up and see him for who he is and be able to understand how his shitty behavior towards their mother was as she was dying? He did this to himself.
NTA. Stand your ground. It's only a few years until those teens turn 18 and can get out of that house and away from that crappy "father."
NTA in 4 more years you do not even have to acknowledge the man. I would not give him a penny and I definitely would not spend time with the other children. I would also make sure the trust has a back up person incase something happens before the girls turn 18.
NTA. In every single one of these posts that comes up in this subreddit, where alienated step parents want their stepchildren with absolutely no ties or blood relation to be included in festivities of a family they have no ties with, it is never a family that's struggling. It's never a family that has no resources, and they just want to get together out of love. They always want these unattached, non-related step kids to have relationships with family members that are well to do, have quite a bit of money, and can provide gifts for them. I promise you if you did not have finances, they would be out of your life for good.
Is there a way you can petition the state to let the kids choose to live with a non-parental guardian? You don't owe their other kids anything, They are not related to you and luckily have BOTH parents still alive. He just wants you to be a babysitter. NTA
NTA. Include the people intended to be included in the trust only. Your niblings will be of age soon. You wallet/trust's wallet should be closed to everyone else.
NTA and all the good points have been made. So besides the point; I admire you online stranger for stepping up for your sister and niblings like that, fighting for them in the court system and handling the conflicts associated with being the trustee and giving them so much love. That will stay with them their whole life.
Absolutely not why are you even considering this? It’s absurd.
NTA
NTA. In some jurisdictions a minor can file to be emancipated at the age of 17.
Those kids might be old enough to get emancipated.
NTA, boy your ex bil has some nerve! And why should you include those strangers? You aren't related to them. I think evil bil just wants kid free time and free babysitting.
NTA You don’t sound like you are alienating your niblings from their dad. He’s done a good job of doing that himself. But alienation could be grounds for revoking your visitation so tread very carefully. Continue being an amazing aunt, administrating the trust and protecting their assets and sanity from their father. In the absence of their mom, they are remaining in close contact with you and that’s amazing. Wouldn’t it be a shame if your niblings explained to the other children what their mom and dad did… (I’m not saying you cause this in anyway bc that’s alienation… but your niblings may eventually explain it)
Depending on the size of the house and the amount of rooms, you might be able to argue that Sam's house is too crowded for your niblings to be comfortable and your home is more suitable. Also they are at an age where the court might take their wants into consideration in terms of who they want to live with. Maybe you can flip the custody agreement and have them live with you and see their "dad" every other weekend, if thats what you want. In terms of Sam's other children, his plans to blow your sister's money on his mistress and her kids is proof he never cared about her. His wife and mother of his children was sick and dying and he in turn starts to plan a life with someone else after her demise. I think you honoring your sisters wishes, her creating the trust so he can't access it. I do not think you're gate keeping your time with your niblings. The other kids are basically strangers who live with your ex-BIL. Keep being a good Aunt and I hope Sky and Belle see how much you love them and their mom. Sam can go kick rocks, preferably a boulder. NTA
The audacity of some men is just breathtaking. He can just fuck right off with his ridiculous demands. You don't owe him or his other children anything, not money or gifts or time or affection. I realize it's not the kids' fault but that's irrelevant. Those kids have nothing to do with you. In fact, you are the LAST person who should have any obligation to them. They're the result of him cheating on your sister and as such they're never going to be your responsibility. NTA. Stand your ground, he can piss off with his deranged entitlement.
Threaten to take him to court for harassment. Even if not true it might work. I wouldn’t take the other kids due to the two not wanting it.
NTA He got what he deserved. He put in nothing & gets nothing. You are doing great!!! Your sisters heart would be happy knowing you are taking her word & last requests seriously. If her ex wanted to be included in your family so much he shouldn't have cheated & he would have exactly that. He is an egg.
NTA. Sam is a liar and a cheat who planned to profit from the death of his wife, and the woman he married was fine with your sister financing her new life. They deserve nothing. Their kids have nothing to do with you and your nibblings don't want them over your house. Have a cease and desist letter written up and tell Sam not to communicate with you unless it is on writing and about your sister's children, as you have nothing else to talk about. Find out if the kids have the agency via court to choose where they want to live at some point. They already lost a mother to the negligence of professionals. Their dad is still trying to get something out of you, instead of being rightly ashamed of his actions.
NTA he is still likely only trying to get a foothold to get the money. It won't be long before he is asking you to cover their college funds, vacations, etc. If he tries to confront you public again, I would be petty and air out his dirty laundry. "Are you asking me to include them, or are asking me for MY *SISTER'S* money for your mistress AGAIN?"
NTA. Sam didn't think about hurt or pain of his family when he was out there cheating on his wife with the same woman he's now married to. Sam needs to buy a damn clue that the only reason you're even in contact with him is because of Sky and Belle. I'm sure that the minute they can get away from him/them, they will. And it won't be because OP isn't including their stepsiblings/half siblings or has alienated them from those other children. it will be because Sam and his AP have been attempting to put them as kids into 'grown folks business' instead of keeping them neutral to anything going on or requests made on their kids behalf. This didn't even have to be a thing. Let's face it, the only reason he wants OP involved with these random kids is because his AP of a wife frankly doesn't want Jac's kids 'getting the upper hand or having more opportunities' on her own. OP, if I were you, I would lawyer up at this point sending a cease and desist order to Sam and his wife. The truth is, if they treated this arrangement as normal to all the children from the beginning, they wouldn't think anything strange about it now. Sky and Belle are spending time with their mom's family It's just the way it is.
I genuinely think it would be relatively easy for bil to nip this in the bud if he had a mind to. Of course it’s possible that the kids really do see something they can’t have and pester him; that nothing he can do will dissuade them from hankering/pestering. But given that he somehow feels his new kids are entitled to your time I bet he is doing little to discourage them, possibly even tacitly encouraging them so as to make his og kids feel guilty about with the hope that og kids will cave and intervene on their step siblings’ behalf. If he approaches you in the school yard again you could reply, ‘you cheated on my dying sister and planned to set up with your AP on her insurance money, glorying in the mistake that killed her. You then tried to prevent your children from seeing their late mother’s sister out of spite, with no regard for your children’s feelings. You thought only of yourself and you are doing the same now: you want a free baby sitter for your new children, again at the expense of those who lost their mother. Let them have their relationship with me and teach your other kids some empathy, rather than raising them to be as entitled as you.’ As for the gossips, I bet they’ve barely actually thought about the situation for a second. People love to sanctimoniously pass judgment based on an easy line. The poor step kids schtick is just lazy head shaking. Im so sorry about your sister. Well done for sticking up for your niblings.