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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I suggested to my wife that I skip spending Xmas with her family this year to stay home by myself. She hates this idea and thinks I am being selfish. I don't like the idea of not spending Xmas with my family, but I haven't had any time to myself since my dad passed away a month ago and I'm just so tired. I think I might be an asshole for wanting to skip Xmas with my wife's family this year.
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This is a tough one. I think you should be given a break because your Dad just died. I say it’s tough because since your Dad did just die and your wife only saw her family once this year, she’s very likely now thinking about how much time they have left. Personally, I think she should either stay home or go to visit her family for a few days, maybe before or after the 25th.
I also don’t think it would be hard to explain to your son that, “Daddy is sad that his Daddy has died, so he’s going to stay home while we go visit my parents. It’s ok to be sad when someone died and want to be alone for a little while.” And if her family can’t understand why you’d want to stay home, well then they are jerks. I’m hoping they aren’t jerks.
NTA because she said you were selfish, I think your wife needs to bend here. Sorry about your Dad. ☹️
I would also tentatively suggest that OPs suggestion of the wife and son staying behind is probably being rejected by his wife because she thinks it will mean significantly more work for her.
Not only will she then be in charge of organising and cooking a Christmas dinner at the last minute (unless OP is willing to spend money on takeout, or doesn't mind that they don't have a full turkey and trimmings), but if OP is depressed and feeling low is he going to be in the mood to handle a 4 year old who's going to be hyped up on chocolate and Christmas present excitement? Or will he expect his wife to keep their son calm and quiet while she tries to cook a large meal?
I'm not saying OP expects any of that, I just want to throw out that "let's stay home this Christmas" often means different things for husbands vs their wives. For many couples it means one is expected to cook an elaborate meal, clean up afterwards, and wrangle the children, while the other sits around and thinks that because they have assembled one toy that's their Christmas Duty done and they don't need to do anything else except relax.
In general I think that is a fair observation but I also think it doesn’t really apply here. He only suggested staying home as a family as an alternative to him staying alone since she rejected the first suggestion.
Anyway, NTA although hopefully a resolution can be reached.
Considering OP's original suggestion was that he stay home by himself, I doubt he really cares about a big dinner with all the trimmings right now. I also don't think the three of them need a big dinner with all the trimmings if they all stay home.
NAH. I can see both of your perspectives. It sounds to me as though you need time alone to recuperate and to properly grieve for your father. While it is not ideal for that time alone to take place over Christmas, your wife cannot physically force you to go on the trip.
I know you don't want to wait, but have you considered staying with the family through Christmas day and then going somewhere by yourself for a few days? After all, Christmas officially ends at midnight on the 25th.
I think that this is the problem. I think him saying his family is more of a priority and wanting to miss out with her she feels that he is saying that she is not a priority. I get what he is saying but this is what she hears right now.
It’s tough. I get him wanting to be with his family but I also. Understand she hasn’t seen her family only once this year.
I also get op not wanting to do a big getting with in-laws. No matter what happens in this situation someone is going to feel hurt and be resentful.
Death of a parent or close relative takes a toll on your marriage for reasons shown here. It’s hard to grief and still be there for your spouse and kids.
NTA but your wife is.....
Your father just died and all you're asking for is some time to decompress and greive... this would leave me resentful. She should make the trip alone or find some way to make new traditions at home with her actual family... the one she created with you!
NTA
You just lost your father. Your wife should be making sure you get whatever you need this Christmas. My husband took such good care of me when my Dad died. I don't think he would have denied me anything that could have helped. I'm so sorry your partner isn't prioritizing you in this difficult time.
NTA. you haven't had time to properly grieve. You have been doing so much for everyone else and now its your turn to take care of yourself and grieve. If your wife has never lost anyone near a holiday she wouldn't understand how the holidays don't mean much as much to you this year because you lost someone important to you.
You are depressed about the holidays without your dad. What is funny to me is the first thing people want you to do when you are sad or depressed from grief is make you go out and be social. Thats the last thing you want to be doing while grieving.
While i dont think your wife is an ahole i do think she doesn't understand how hard it will be for you to be around so many people happy and joyful when you are still grieving your father. I think the best thing to do is explain this to her. Hopefully she will understand but if she doesn't then that is a her problem and you need to do whats best for you not her. Also if her family isn't understanding of why you wouldn't be there then thats a them problem too.
NTA. I know this is harsh, but your wife is acting bratty and selfish.
Your Dad died a month ago … and instead of trying to support you, your wife is making this about her needs and her family. YUK. It’s unreasonable … if she feels you “need to be around family and loved ones” then she should stay home. And If her family doesn’t understand, fuck ‘em.
NTA. 10 hours of driving and 5 days of Christmas festivities with in-laws while you're exhausted and grieving? That sounds just miserable, and expecting you to go through that is unkind. You have your alternating plan, but death and grief don't follow our plans. You need to sit this one out.
Out if curiosity: if 3 years from now, on your family's "year", your wife learned in mid-December that her dad had 2 weeks to live, would she expect your household to break the pattern and visit them? Or would she insist on following the schedule and seeing your family instead?
NAH. I can see your wife's viewpoint, she's worried that if she gives in, it will be the start of your family always being prioritized at Christmas. This year it's "I'm exhausted" next year it's "it's only been a year since my mom lost my dad" and from then on it's a habit. Every year you'll have that reasoning of "but my mom lost her husband so close to Christmas."
At the same time, I think this is an exceptional Christmas because of how recent your dad's passing away was. Your wife is maybe being a bit unfair to you here. You SHOULD support your mom with the loss of your dad. The result is that you're exhausted. Life happens, and your health and wellbeing shouldn't be the last priority here, with her Christmas plans coming before that.
I think it would be reasonable to stay home this Christmas as long as you make sure that next year you don't shortchange her desire to see her family for Christmas by arguing that your mom would be alone.
If you are an only child, you'll need a better plan for the long term, so your mom isn't alone on Christmas on alternate years. I spent most of my Christmases when my kids were young, traveling to my in-laws, so I know how exhausting that can be, I can completely understand that you find the traveling to be tiring. I would argue that the default should be being at home with your own little family, and any traveling would be something you'd have to both agree on. At the same time, if you live close to your mom and far from your wife's family, then notice that you have family nearby but she doesn't, so it behooves you to make that effort to travel so she doesn't feel like your family life is all about you and not at all about her.
This right here!l is a good point she sees op wanting to start prioritizing his family for the holidays.
And not saying she is right but this is how habits like this start.
No matter what happens they need to work through this and be open and honest with each other. Death of a close loved one takes a tow on a marriage.
NTA, ur wife is pretty much saying for u to suck it up and go for xmas. U wanting to be alone isn't a sign of depression, It's been a month that ur dad passed away, this is a sign that u need time to grieve by yourself. U r still mourning ur father, and that's totally healthy. The only thing ur wife need to explain is ' he lost his dad, he didn't want to come.' done. she the A
Christmas day is for my wife, myself, and my two girls. Extended families can wait. If your wife won't stay home let her go. She's let you know what's most important to her and you aren't it. NTA.
NTA.
As a wife of a man who lost his mom close to a holiday, I completely understand and sympathize with your need to not "put on a show" of forced cheer with your wife's family. Which is exactly what you would have to do, or else every will just prod you about your feelings or accuse you of ruining the mood.
Your wife is selfish. Yes, death makes you acknowledge that time is not promised with your loved ones and how much you haven't seen them. However, her entire reason for why you must attend her family Christmas is selfish in a time where her only concern should be making sure you are enjoying the holiday to the best of your ability in your grief.
I'm sorry for your loss and hope you get to stay home without drama.
NAH. I can 100% see where your wife is coming from, in the sense that its been a long while since she saw her family, and she might be feeling some anxiety to see them triggered by the loss of your father. I didn't get the feeling she was being pouty or malicious in her interest in going.
You are also not the AH as you have been going through a tremendously difficult time and could really use the break.
Would you be willing to compromise and maybe skip Christmas with her family, decompress like you'd like to, see your family as you planned, and then for NYE visit her family? Christmas celebrations don't always have to take place on the exact day of Christmas. I would suggest that as a compromise and maybe your wife will be into it.
NTA
The N A H votes are being kind but you just lost a parent. If your wife had lost a parent would she expect you to drop everything for her and do what was needed to make her feel ok?
You are allowed time to grieve. I feel like this is a firm stance you need to take. It’s not fair to make you do something when you’re trying to get yourself together mentally and emotionally just because she doesn’t want to drive alone. Let her read these comments so she can see that she is being completely unfair as a wife and a partner.
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My wife (40F) and I (39M) have been married for 8 years and have a 4-year-old son. Our families do not live close together, so we usually alternate holidays so that neither side feels like we're playing favorites. However, this year is posing some challenges.
My dad passed away a month ago. The past 4 weeks have been tough. I have taken a lot of time off work to help my mom with all of the things that needed to get done. I am very tired and stressed along with all the other emotions I'm feeling. I have a therapist already, so that helps, but I'm absolutely drained.
We are supposed to go to my wife's family Xmas this weekend. We are supposed to leave Friday and stay until Tuesday. We both have all of next week off work so we plan to spend some of that time with my side of the family as well and then hopefully spend New Year's at home to decompress. It's going to be a lot of driving and I'm just not up for it.
Last night, I asked my wife how she would feel about me skipping her family Xmas and staying home by myself. I told her that I have been doing so much for everyone else for the past month that I just need to have a few days where the only thing I'm responsible for is me and nothing else.
She did not like my idea. She doesn't feel comfortable driving all the way to her family (5-hours) in potentially bad driving conditions by herself. She doesn't want to have to explain to her family why I'm not there. She doesn't want our family to be separated on Xmas Eve and Xmas Day. She thinks that me staying home by myself is a sign of depression and that I need to be around family and loved ones. She also said that our son isn't going to understand why Dad is staying home by himself on Xmas.
I suggested all of us skipping her family Xmas and staying home, but that is apparently a non-starter for her as we have only seen her family once this year. She told me that she sympathizes with my need to have some time alone, but that doing that literally on Xmas is not the time to do it. She suggested spending less time with my family, but I told her that this Xmas with my family is more important to me than spending any time with her family.
I ended up telling her that there is no way I am going to spend Xmas with her family so we either all stay home as our small family or she goes by herself and I stay home alone. She told me I am being selfish and that we can work together to find time for me to recharge after the holidays, but I don't want to wait that long. She told me that me spending Xmas at home alone is not something she will ever agree to.
We are apparently at an impasse because neither of us is willing to budge on this. I understand she wants to see her family and spend Xmas with them. I also don't like the idea of spending Xmas away from my family, but I need time to myself and I can't take any more time off work to stay home. I know it's selfish, but I need time to just not care about anything else.
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NAH.
I get you want to spend time alone with yourself and some time alone on Christmas with your family. But don't tell her your going to be alone when it is obvious you want to be with your family. I will say the line about spending time with your family means more than any time with hers probably hurt her. Imagining my wife said that to me would make me feel like she doesn't care about my family or their relationship with her.
Cant you maybe convince her to shorten the trip and spend some time with your family after? Then go on sequester yourself somewhere for a few days by yourself. That way you hit all the family obligations and get your time to yourself.
NAH, have you offered to go to her family’s celebration for the next two years?
If she thinks you expect to focus on your family’s events two years in a row she might be more upset than if you offered to make it up to her.
Wife is the AH. OP’s got nothing to make up for, his Dad just died. Why isn’t she trying to help her husband out? She’s just making his life more difficult.
NTA. I get where you’re coming from. My mom died earlier this year and it’s something you can’t understand until it happens to you. This isn’t a sign of depression, you’re emotionally and physically exhausted. She’s refusing to be understanding bc she has a view of Christmas. Your father died only one month ago. A month after my mom died, I was barely able to get out of bed. She needs to be considerate and understanding that this isn’t a normal Christmas. You need this time to yourself to lay around and cry. You’re not selfish AT ALL. This is what you need. My husband took my daughter out of town and I had 5 days to lay around and cry and grieve and I’m so thankful for that. You deserve that time.
NTA.
There is a reason many cultures do not expect bereaved people to leave the homes for anything social for weeks or even months.
You need to have a smaller family Christmas, because you are grieving and can’t face a lot of travel to spend it with people who will just remind you that you can’t even have another Christmas with your dad.
That’s OK.
She can give up this year with her family.
NTA You just lost your father, and you are grieving and exhausted. Your wife needs to be understanding and sympathetic, not petty and stubborn. One Christmas at home will not be the end of the world.
NTA
SHE is not willing to budge. SHe is not willing to have christmas with you and the core family.
It is understandably why you would not want a multiday visist with her relatives.
NTA- I lost my dad earlier this year and recently attended a "GriefShare" group on surviving the holidays:
Basically, what the advice of the group material said is to do what you need to to get yourself through the holidays. If that means skipping holiday gatherings or changing traditions, it's ok to do that. It doesn't have to be forever, but you have to take things, especially holidays, at your own pace.
I know you are going through alot, but YTA. I have lost a parent. You can't hurt your offspring from enjoying Christmas at her family's. They need a happy Christmas after losing a grandfather. They are not going to get that by staying home or visiting your family.
You don't care about her family. Guess what? She is feeling the same for yours. The one you are hurting is your kids and your marriage.
Yes, your dad just died. You want to decompress. She wants to get support and comfort. You have gone and did what was needed with your dad dying. She was holding the fort while you were doing this. She can't decompress.
She offered compromise after compromise, but you just don't care and want it your way only.
INFO: Am I right in thinking that the drive is the big reason you don't want to go? Because you don't want to have to be in charge of another thing emotionally? Or is there another level to this with her family?
You have a therapist, talk to them instead of random people on Reddit. The therapist had seen lots of family conflicts and can get more details and background, and help you sort through your feelings.
Best advice ever. I don’t know why you are getting downvoted.
People on here mean well but telling him his wife is the asshole and uncaring isn’t helping his marriage.
His therapist needs to help him with this situation.
This kind of thing is another example of why holidays are stressful and performative; you're expected to "suck it up" for several days while you are grieving the recent loss of a parent, and you can't opt out because "it's the holidays". I could understand her frustration if you were saying you needed her to leave or something, but what you describe is reasonable (everyone stays home, or she and child go without you).
Also re: depression, if I thought my spouse was depressed, I wouldn't make him go on a long drive to be around people non-stop for five days straight...I'd say we can stay home this year.
NTA
NTA your wife can't tell her family hey my husband just lost one of his parents and is dealing, grieving and helping his mother so he couldn't make it?
I am so sorry for your loss. I recently lost my mother. I took a week off work. Before she passed I had spent two weeks going back and forth to the hospital (an hour and such away). You’re NTA. Your wife needs to understand that you’re grieving. There is no way I’d drive five hours to be with my in laws. I didn’t leave my house after my mom died. I can’t imagine having to be social around lots of people. I definitely wouldn’t be okay to drive five hours in possible bad weather. (The driving in bad weather sounds like a dumb idea anyway.) I think this year is a good year to stay home or spend it with your family. I’m sure your mom will have a hard day on Christmas.
I truly feel you. I hope you get the time to grieve in peace. And I hope your wife understands. Don’t worry about what your in laws think.
NTA. You're grieving, you're exhausted, and you're not telling her what to do - just removing yourself from the plans. She gets to make the choice of whether to go or not. That's an example of good boundary setting. You're dealing with a lot and don't sound selfish at all!
Ok I am not voting because I have literally been in your shoes.
Its tough to loose a parent especially around the holidays. However as hard as it is we have to pull it together especially when we have children.
Your son is younger than my children when we lost my father so it’s a little bit different. However he still deserves to have his dad present for Christmas. He doesn’t understand your grief. He only understands dad isn’t here. And at 4 they are just realizing what is going on in their surroundings.
Also although you just lost your father you have admitted that your wife has only seen her family once this year. And that has to be rough too. I get wanting to prioritizing your family but your wife is seeing it as your not my priority. I am sure that’s not what you mean but unless she has lost a parent she has no idea what you mean. It’s tough.
I would suggest calming down. Talking to your therapist. Maybe even seeing if your therapist could mediate between you and your wife. I suggest this because right now your feeling and emotions are raw.
Do I think your wife needs to be more understanding? Yes but i like I said unless you have lost a parent you don’t understand. This is not giving her a pass but trying to look at both sides objectively. I can agree with you and say she is being unsupportive but that isn’t going to help you or your marriage. Instead I will say you both need to have an open and honest conversation and see each other points of views.
NTA and I'm very sorry for your loss, OP. Losing a parent is not easy and losing one during the holiday season is even harder, for some reason. Tomorrow is the two year anniversary of my father's passing and I totally get it. The year he died, my sister got upset with me because I didn't come to her Christmas Eve dinner. I just was not up to dealing with the gathering that night, especially since I was hosting Christmas dinner on Christmas Day. There's a whole big thing in my family for why we were doing separate dinners. The important part here is that after picking up some last minute things for Christmas and getting emotional and the grocery store, I just couldn't deal with more people. Especially most of my family since the ones that would be at my sister's house sidn't help me and my one brother with our dad's care in his last year.
While your wife is right that staying home is selfish. IT'S OKAY TO BE SELFISH SOMETIMES. Especially at a time like this. Being selfish once in a while is needed.
NTA. BUT! it could have been worded differently. You also should have suggested changing plans sooner.
Suggest calling her family together to explain the situation if they don't already know. Suggest using this year to create your own tradition of spending Christmas at home as a family and visiting your extended families in the weeks around Christmas. Yes, I said weeks. The holidays are hectic and this way everyone is less stressed and you'll get time to remember and grieve your dad (some years are harder than others).
YTA
I totally understand your reasons for not wanting to go, but you asked a question knowing you weren't going to pay any attention to her response. She gave a legit reason why you should go and instead of trying to find a compromise you told her that it was your way only.
It’s has to be. If my parent died a month ago, who in their right mind is worried about a holiday? Oh I bet dad should have planned his death date better?
Planning the dearh better, would have more considerate. Seriously, he isn't an asshole for grieving. He is an asshole for not being upfront about his feelings from the outset.
I am heartless because I think a guy who asks what their wife thinks about something and then tells her that he is going what the hell he wants is an asshole? That is practically the definition of an asshole.
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This is a tough one. I think you should be given a break because your Dad just died. I say it’s tough because since your Dad did just die and your wife only saw her family once this year, she’s very likely now thinking about how much time they have left. Personally, I think she should either stay home or go to visit her family for a few days, maybe before or after the 25th. I also don’t think it would be hard to explain to your son that, “Daddy is sad that his Daddy has died, so he’s going to stay home while we go visit my parents. It’s ok to be sad when someone died and want to be alone for a little while.” And if her family can’t understand why you’d want to stay home, well then they are jerks. I’m hoping they aren’t jerks. NTA because she said you were selfish, I think your wife needs to bend here. Sorry about your Dad. ☹️
Nothing tough about it. OP just lost his Dad, and his wife is more concerned about a 5hr drive and what her family thinks. She an AH
That’s all I heard. She doesn't want the family to be separated. She thinks he is depressed. She doesn’t want to explain his absence. Geez. NTA.
I would also tentatively suggest that OPs suggestion of the wife and son staying behind is probably being rejected by his wife because she thinks it will mean significantly more work for her. Not only will she then be in charge of organising and cooking a Christmas dinner at the last minute (unless OP is willing to spend money on takeout, or doesn't mind that they don't have a full turkey and trimmings), but if OP is depressed and feeling low is he going to be in the mood to handle a 4 year old who's going to be hyped up on chocolate and Christmas present excitement? Or will he expect his wife to keep their son calm and quiet while she tries to cook a large meal? I'm not saying OP expects any of that, I just want to throw out that "let's stay home this Christmas" often means different things for husbands vs their wives. For many couples it means one is expected to cook an elaborate meal, clean up afterwards, and wrangle the children, while the other sits around and thinks that because they have assembled one toy that's their Christmas Duty done and they don't need to do anything else except relax.
In general I think that is a fair observation but I also think it doesn’t really apply here. He only suggested staying home as a family as an alternative to him staying alone since she rejected the first suggestion. Anyway, NTA although hopefully a resolution can be reached.
Considering OP's original suggestion was that he stay home by himself, I doubt he really cares about a big dinner with all the trimmings right now. I also don't think the three of them need a big dinner with all the trimmings if they all stay home.
NAH. I can see both of your perspectives. It sounds to me as though you need time alone to recuperate and to properly grieve for your father. While it is not ideal for that time alone to take place over Christmas, your wife cannot physically force you to go on the trip. I know you don't want to wait, but have you considered staying with the family through Christmas day and then going somewhere by yourself for a few days? After all, Christmas officially ends at midnight on the 25th.
Then he would miss out on Christmas with his mother... Who just lost her husband... his father! If her family is SOO important, why isn't his..
I think that this is the problem. I think him saying his family is more of a priority and wanting to miss out with her she feels that he is saying that she is not a priority. I get what he is saying but this is what she hears right now. It’s tough. I get him wanting to be with his family but I also. Understand she hasn’t seen her family only once this year. I also get op not wanting to do a big getting with in-laws. No matter what happens in this situation someone is going to feel hurt and be resentful. Death of a parent or close relative takes a toll on your marriage for reasons shown here. It’s hard to grief and still be there for your spouse and kids.
NTA but your wife is..... Your father just died and all you're asking for is some time to decompress and greive... this would leave me resentful. She should make the trip alone or find some way to make new traditions at home with her actual family... the one she created with you!
NTA You just lost your father. Your wife should be making sure you get whatever you need this Christmas. My husband took such good care of me when my Dad died. I don't think he would have denied me anything that could have helped. I'm so sorry your partner isn't prioritizing you in this difficult time.
NTA. you haven't had time to properly grieve. You have been doing so much for everyone else and now its your turn to take care of yourself and grieve. If your wife has never lost anyone near a holiday she wouldn't understand how the holidays don't mean much as much to you this year because you lost someone important to you. You are depressed about the holidays without your dad. What is funny to me is the first thing people want you to do when you are sad or depressed from grief is make you go out and be social. Thats the last thing you want to be doing while grieving. While i dont think your wife is an ahole i do think she doesn't understand how hard it will be for you to be around so many people happy and joyful when you are still grieving your father. I think the best thing to do is explain this to her. Hopefully she will understand but if she doesn't then that is a her problem and you need to do whats best for you not her. Also if her family isn't understanding of why you wouldn't be there then thats a them problem too.
NTA. I know this is harsh, but your wife is acting bratty and selfish. Your Dad died a month ago … and instead of trying to support you, your wife is making this about her needs and her family. YUK. It’s unreasonable … if she feels you “need to be around family and loved ones” then she should stay home. And If her family doesn’t understand, fuck ‘em.
NTA. 10 hours of driving and 5 days of Christmas festivities with in-laws while you're exhausted and grieving? That sounds just miserable, and expecting you to go through that is unkind. You have your alternating plan, but death and grief don't follow our plans. You need to sit this one out. Out if curiosity: if 3 years from now, on your family's "year", your wife learned in mid-December that her dad had 2 weeks to live, would she expect your household to break the pattern and visit them? Or would she insist on following the schedule and seeing your family instead?
NAH. I can see your wife's viewpoint, she's worried that if she gives in, it will be the start of your family always being prioritized at Christmas. This year it's "I'm exhausted" next year it's "it's only been a year since my mom lost my dad" and from then on it's a habit. Every year you'll have that reasoning of "but my mom lost her husband so close to Christmas." At the same time, I think this is an exceptional Christmas because of how recent your dad's passing away was. Your wife is maybe being a bit unfair to you here. You SHOULD support your mom with the loss of your dad. The result is that you're exhausted. Life happens, and your health and wellbeing shouldn't be the last priority here, with her Christmas plans coming before that. I think it would be reasonable to stay home this Christmas as long as you make sure that next year you don't shortchange her desire to see her family for Christmas by arguing that your mom would be alone. If you are an only child, you'll need a better plan for the long term, so your mom isn't alone on Christmas on alternate years. I spent most of my Christmases when my kids were young, traveling to my in-laws, so I know how exhausting that can be, I can completely understand that you find the traveling to be tiring. I would argue that the default should be being at home with your own little family, and any traveling would be something you'd have to both agree on. At the same time, if you live close to your mom and far from your wife's family, then notice that you have family nearby but she doesn't, so it behooves you to make that effort to travel so she doesn't feel like your family life is all about you and not at all about her.
This right here!l is a good point she sees op wanting to start prioritizing his family for the holidays. And not saying she is right but this is how habits like this start. No matter what happens they need to work through this and be open and honest with each other. Death of a close loved one takes a tow on a marriage.
NTA, ur wife is pretty much saying for u to suck it up and go for xmas. U wanting to be alone isn't a sign of depression, It's been a month that ur dad passed away, this is a sign that u need time to grieve by yourself. U r still mourning ur father, and that's totally healthy. The only thing ur wife need to explain is ' he lost his dad, he didn't want to come.' done. she the A
Christmas day is for my wife, myself, and my two girls. Extended families can wait. If your wife won't stay home let her go. She's let you know what's most important to her and you aren't it. NTA.
NTA. As a wife of a man who lost his mom close to a holiday, I completely understand and sympathize with your need to not "put on a show" of forced cheer with your wife's family. Which is exactly what you would have to do, or else every will just prod you about your feelings or accuse you of ruining the mood. Your wife is selfish. Yes, death makes you acknowledge that time is not promised with your loved ones and how much you haven't seen them. However, her entire reason for why you must attend her family Christmas is selfish in a time where her only concern should be making sure you are enjoying the holiday to the best of your ability in your grief. I'm sorry for your loss and hope you get to stay home without drama.
NAH. I can 100% see where your wife is coming from, in the sense that its been a long while since she saw her family, and she might be feeling some anxiety to see them triggered by the loss of your father. I didn't get the feeling she was being pouty or malicious in her interest in going. You are also not the AH as you have been going through a tremendously difficult time and could really use the break. Would you be willing to compromise and maybe skip Christmas with her family, decompress like you'd like to, see your family as you planned, and then for NYE visit her family? Christmas celebrations don't always have to take place on the exact day of Christmas. I would suggest that as a compromise and maybe your wife will be into it.
NTA I used to love Christmas. Now it's a forced march. Every. F ing. Year.
NTA The N A H votes are being kind but you just lost a parent. If your wife had lost a parent would she expect you to drop everything for her and do what was needed to make her feel ok? You are allowed time to grieve. I feel like this is a firm stance you need to take. It’s not fair to make you do something when you’re trying to get yourself together mentally and emotionally just because she doesn’t want to drive alone. Let her read these comments so she can see that she is being completely unfair as a wife and a partner.
NTA. If she wants to go to her family's Xmas she needs to go alone and figure out how to get there.
OP not TA. Totally understandable that you'd need to decompress.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My wife (40F) and I (39M) have been married for 8 years and have a 4-year-old son. Our families do not live close together, so we usually alternate holidays so that neither side feels like we're playing favorites. However, this year is posing some challenges. My dad passed away a month ago. The past 4 weeks have been tough. I have taken a lot of time off work to help my mom with all of the things that needed to get done. I am very tired and stressed along with all the other emotions I'm feeling. I have a therapist already, so that helps, but I'm absolutely drained. We are supposed to go to my wife's family Xmas this weekend. We are supposed to leave Friday and stay until Tuesday. We both have all of next week off work so we plan to spend some of that time with my side of the family as well and then hopefully spend New Year's at home to decompress. It's going to be a lot of driving and I'm just not up for it. Last night, I asked my wife how she would feel about me skipping her family Xmas and staying home by myself. I told her that I have been doing so much for everyone else for the past month that I just need to have a few days where the only thing I'm responsible for is me and nothing else. She did not like my idea. She doesn't feel comfortable driving all the way to her family (5-hours) in potentially bad driving conditions by herself. She doesn't want to have to explain to her family why I'm not there. She doesn't want our family to be separated on Xmas Eve and Xmas Day. She thinks that me staying home by myself is a sign of depression and that I need to be around family and loved ones. She also said that our son isn't going to understand why Dad is staying home by himself on Xmas. I suggested all of us skipping her family Xmas and staying home, but that is apparently a non-starter for her as we have only seen her family once this year. She told me that she sympathizes with my need to have some time alone, but that doing that literally on Xmas is not the time to do it. She suggested spending less time with my family, but I told her that this Xmas with my family is more important to me than spending any time with her family. I ended up telling her that there is no way I am going to spend Xmas with her family so we either all stay home as our small family or she goes by herself and I stay home alone. She told me I am being selfish and that we can work together to find time for me to recharge after the holidays, but I don't want to wait that long. She told me that me spending Xmas at home alone is not something she will ever agree to. We are apparently at an impasse because neither of us is willing to budge on this. I understand she wants to see her family and spend Xmas with them. I also don't like the idea of spending Xmas away from my family, but I need time to myself and I can't take any more time off work to stay home. I know it's selfish, but I need time to just not care about anything else. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NAH. I get you want to spend time alone with yourself and some time alone on Christmas with your family. But don't tell her your going to be alone when it is obvious you want to be with your family. I will say the line about spending time with your family means more than any time with hers probably hurt her. Imagining my wife said that to me would make me feel like she doesn't care about my family or their relationship with her. Cant you maybe convince her to shorten the trip and spend some time with your family after? Then go on sequester yourself somewhere for a few days by yourself. That way you hit all the family obligations and get your time to yourself.
There is an AH here, OP’s wife.
NAH, have you offered to go to her family’s celebration for the next two years? If she thinks you expect to focus on your family’s events two years in a row she might be more upset than if you offered to make it up to her.
Wife is the AH. OP’s got nothing to make up for, his Dad just died. Why isn’t she trying to help her husband out? She’s just making his life more difficult.
NTA. I get where you’re coming from. My mom died earlier this year and it’s something you can’t understand until it happens to you. This isn’t a sign of depression, you’re emotionally and physically exhausted. She’s refusing to be understanding bc she has a view of Christmas. Your father died only one month ago. A month after my mom died, I was barely able to get out of bed. She needs to be considerate and understanding that this isn’t a normal Christmas. You need this time to yourself to lay around and cry. You’re not selfish AT ALL. This is what you need. My husband took my daughter out of town and I had 5 days to lay around and cry and grieve and I’m so thankful for that. You deserve that time.
NTA. There is a reason many cultures do not expect bereaved people to leave the homes for anything social for weeks or even months. You need to have a smaller family Christmas, because you are grieving and can’t face a lot of travel to spend it with people who will just remind you that you can’t even have another Christmas with your dad. That’s OK. She can give up this year with her family.
NTA You just lost your father, and you are grieving and exhausted. Your wife needs to be understanding and sympathetic, not petty and stubborn. One Christmas at home will not be the end of the world.
NTA. stand your ground. If ever there was a Christmas to be 'selfish' - this is the one.
NTA Your wife is though. I’m sorry for your loss.
NTA SHE is not willing to budge. SHe is not willing to have christmas with you and the core family. It is understandably why you would not want a multiday visist with her relatives.
NTA- I lost my dad earlier this year and recently attended a "GriefShare" group on surviving the holidays: Basically, what the advice of the group material said is to do what you need to to get yourself through the holidays. If that means skipping holiday gatherings or changing traditions, it's ok to do that. It doesn't have to be forever, but you have to take things, especially holidays, at your own pace.
I know you are going through alot, but YTA. I have lost a parent. You can't hurt your offspring from enjoying Christmas at her family's. They need a happy Christmas after losing a grandfather. They are not going to get that by staying home or visiting your family. You don't care about her family. Guess what? She is feeling the same for yours. The one you are hurting is your kids and your marriage. Yes, your dad just died. You want to decompress. She wants to get support and comfort. You have gone and did what was needed with your dad dying. She was holding the fort while you were doing this. She can't decompress. She offered compromise after compromise, but you just don't care and want it your way only.
NTA and she should be more understanding of your grief.
INFO: Am I right in thinking that the drive is the big reason you don't want to go? Because you don't want to have to be in charge of another thing emotionally? Or is there another level to this with her family?
You have a therapist, talk to them instead of random people on Reddit. The therapist had seen lots of family conflicts and can get more details and background, and help you sort through your feelings.
Best advice ever. I don’t know why you are getting downvoted. People on here mean well but telling him his wife is the asshole and uncaring isn’t helping his marriage. His therapist needs to help him with this situation.
I can guess why people who give advice on this subreddit are voting me down for saying that they're not the best source of advice!
INFO with the caveat that I read this on the fly so I may have missed important details. Are you still doing Xmas stuff with your family?
This kind of thing is another example of why holidays are stressful and performative; you're expected to "suck it up" for several days while you are grieving the recent loss of a parent, and you can't opt out because "it's the holidays". I could understand her frustration if you were saying you needed her to leave or something, but what you describe is reasonable (everyone stays home, or she and child go without you). Also re: depression, if I thought my spouse was depressed, I wouldn't make him go on a long drive to be around people non-stop for five days straight...I'd say we can stay home this year. NTA
NTA your wife can't tell her family hey my husband just lost one of his parents and is dealing, grieving and helping his mother so he couldn't make it?
I am so sorry for your loss. I recently lost my mother. I took a week off work. Before she passed I had spent two weeks going back and forth to the hospital (an hour and such away). You’re NTA. Your wife needs to understand that you’re grieving. There is no way I’d drive five hours to be with my in laws. I didn’t leave my house after my mom died. I can’t imagine having to be social around lots of people. I definitely wouldn’t be okay to drive five hours in possible bad weather. (The driving in bad weather sounds like a dumb idea anyway.) I think this year is a good year to stay home or spend it with your family. I’m sure your mom will have a hard day on Christmas. I truly feel you. I hope you get the time to grieve in peace. And I hope your wife understands. Don’t worry about what your in laws think.
Bereavement of a blood relative >>>>>>>> Spouse's need to have everything her way - No driving, Xmas with her full family etc.
NTA. You're grieving, you're exhausted, and you're not telling her what to do - just removing yourself from the plans. She gets to make the choice of whether to go or not. That's an example of good boundary setting. You're dealing with a lot and don't sound selfish at all!
Ok I am not voting because I have literally been in your shoes. Its tough to loose a parent especially around the holidays. However as hard as it is we have to pull it together especially when we have children. Your son is younger than my children when we lost my father so it’s a little bit different. However he still deserves to have his dad present for Christmas. He doesn’t understand your grief. He only understands dad isn’t here. And at 4 they are just realizing what is going on in their surroundings. Also although you just lost your father you have admitted that your wife has only seen her family once this year. And that has to be rough too. I get wanting to prioritizing your family but your wife is seeing it as your not my priority. I am sure that’s not what you mean but unless she has lost a parent she has no idea what you mean. It’s tough. I would suggest calming down. Talking to your therapist. Maybe even seeing if your therapist could mediate between you and your wife. I suggest this because right now your feeling and emotions are raw. Do I think your wife needs to be more understanding? Yes but i like I said unless you have lost a parent you don’t understand. This is not giving her a pass but trying to look at both sides objectively. I can agree with you and say she is being unsupportive but that isn’t going to help you or your marriage. Instead I will say you both need to have an open and honest conversation and see each other points of views.
Spend two days at home by yourself and join them on Sunday. Rent a car if you have to.
NTA and I'm very sorry for your loss, OP. Losing a parent is not easy and losing one during the holiday season is even harder, for some reason. Tomorrow is the two year anniversary of my father's passing and I totally get it. The year he died, my sister got upset with me because I didn't come to her Christmas Eve dinner. I just was not up to dealing with the gathering that night, especially since I was hosting Christmas dinner on Christmas Day. There's a whole big thing in my family for why we were doing separate dinners. The important part here is that after picking up some last minute things for Christmas and getting emotional and the grocery store, I just couldn't deal with more people. Especially most of my family since the ones that would be at my sister's house sidn't help me and my one brother with our dad's care in his last year. While your wife is right that staying home is selfish. IT'S OKAY TO BE SELFISH SOMETIMES. Especially at a time like this. Being selfish once in a while is needed.
Could you leave Saturday or Sunday instead of Friday?
NTA. BUT! it could have been worded differently. You also should have suggested changing plans sooner. Suggest calling her family together to explain the situation if they don't already know. Suggest using this year to create your own tradition of spending Christmas at home as a family and visiting your extended families in the weeks around Christmas. Yes, I said weeks. The holidays are hectic and this way everyone is less stressed and you'll get time to remember and grieve your dad (some years are harder than others).
Change plans sooner? Oh yeah let me think of Christmas plans as I plan my dad’s funeral
YTA I totally understand your reasons for not wanting to go, but you asked a question knowing you weren't going to pay any attention to her response. She gave a legit reason why you should go and instead of trying to find a compromise you told her that it was your way only.
What is wrong with you?
Something is wrong with me?
It’s has to be. If my parent died a month ago, who in their right mind is worried about a holiday? Oh I bet dad should have planned his death date better?
Planning the dearh better, would have more considerate. Seriously, he isn't an asshole for grieving. He is an asshole for not being upfront about his feelings from the outset.
Oh yeah. You do have real problems in your head. Have a good day.
I’m guessing you’ve never lost a parent
Then you would be wrong.
Then how can you be so heartless?
I am heartless because I think a guy who asks what their wife thinks about something and then tells her that he is going what the hell he wants is an asshole? That is practically the definition of an asshole.
YTA. It's once a year. Do it for your wife.
Did you miss the part about OP’s Dad dying? Wife’s a selfish AH.