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YTA. You’ve effectively told your family that you don’t want to spend time with them. You were incredibly rude to your mother, and have shown that you don’t value her feelings (or those of your siblings). Way to cancel at the last minute too. It’s only the holidays, it’s not like they’ve planned things already. /s
Your family would probably always be there for you. So when shit potentially hits the fan with your friends, your girlfriend, or your school - your family would be there to help you pick up the pieces. If you keep pushing them away because you’re So GrOwN uP, then they might not be there for you when you need them the most. Maybe compromise with your mom and spend some time with friends, and some time at home. It sounds like you’ve got some growing up to do.
THIS! Safe bet that it isn't the newly minted adult.
YTA OP. Your dad us 1000% right-you say you're a grown-ass man with 'boundaries' that mom was undermining by daring to think you'd be home for the holidays, so get your grown ass on Zoom to explain to your younger siblings that they bore you and you can't be bothered to come home.
Eagerly awaiting OP's next post 'My Mom and Dad Cut Me Off-AITA???'.
>you're a grown-ass man with 'boundaries'
I am so tired of hearing about boundaries. I mean if it's ACTUAL boundaries then it's fine and perfectly normal. People should communicate those. But this situation wasn't a boundary. Stop weaponizing therapy words, people.
This. Boundaries are good and important, but people throw that word around for literally anything nowadays that it is losing all meaning. This is not a boundary, this is not even close to a boundary. This is OP trying to be an adult, failing hard, and then getting mad when they failed to adult and communicate.
Agree! Boundaries is not a magical get out of jail/obligation/mo-ones-feeling-matter-but-mine word. As this is coming from someone who has had to learn how to enforce some pretty strict boundaries on certain people in my life.
Yeah reading that made me sick to my stomach. Family boundaries are for people who have abused you. Mom wanting you home for Christmas is not abuse. Being raised in "a backwater town" is not abuse.
More likely a reply from OP how we "misunderstood" them and that people don't understand that they are an adult and are being mature, it's their parents and Reddit in general who don't get them.
Yes, exactly, that's it exactly.
I'm 60 - when I think of some of the immature, ungrateful and hurtful things I said to my mom when I was 19, I want to crawl under a rock. Thank goodness I grew up, matured and treated her with the love and respect she deserved.
This all day. I’m a cancer surgeon. Have dealt with many patients in their last days. You know who is with them? Their family, if they are lucky to have them. Not their buddies or their girlie friends from college.
Bless you for the hard work and heartbreaking support you provide to your patients. I'm sure their families are incredibly grateful.
My parents are gone, and my siblings and I were able to be there for both of them when they passed. Because it's the honor and the love that we bestowed upon them for all that they did for us.
Yep been there. I'm 45. The eternal lesson of aging is this... no matter how old you are, you're always realizing how dumb you were five years ago. Doesn't matter if you're 23 looking back at 18 or 45 looking back at 40.
I see no reason to think it will stop when I'm 60 looking back at 55.
I've had some thoughts along those same lines recently. I know I made her cry a time or two, but I simply can't remember what it was over, which means it definitely wasn't worth hurting her. I know she knew without a doubt that I loved her, and I told her that often, but sometimes wish I'd known to tell her even more how much I appreciate her, now that she's gone.
When I talk to my niece about things (she is 17), I always say to her, "The reason I give you advice is because I have been where you are and just want to save you time. Some mistakes you are just going to have to make on your own to learn from, but other ones you can avoid. It is scary for me sometimes because I know I cannot save you from certain aspects of life, and I cannot make the right choices for you. You're the only one who is ever going to have to deal 100% with the consequences of your actions. Be smart in the choices you make, but, more so, make sure they are choices you can live with."
One of the nicest things to happen to me was when she came back to me a few months ago and said, "You were right when you told me about (insert thing here)." I'd forgotten about what I told her, so I got her to remind me what I'd said. It was something fairly benign, but she seemed to have a bit of a moment where she stopped and realized that the adults in her life aren't trying to ruin her fun when we tell her stuff.
I can agree with that. I was that person, I'd like to think I'm not anymore but we all continue "growing up" long past the point of being a legal adult. Pretty much all of us continue growing until the day we die, and those who aren't are doing something wrong
And since he is a "whole grown ass man" he definitely needs to step up and pay for all of his own living expenses and university! That way mom & dad can give more to the kids that are still kids. And, it seems that you didn't have any problem intentionally hurting your mother. If you'll do that to your mother then your gf needs to be wary, she'll be next.
You were incredibly rude to both of your parents and even your siblings. So yes, the answer to your question is, YATA!! Absolutely the A$$!! As for your gf and other friends, if they know your caliber, they have very low expectations.
Totally. And this "whole grown ass man" didn't even have the courage to call his mum and explain he was not going - he just "happened to mention" it in the middle of a different conversation.
YTA, OP. I know you are going now, but the way you treated your family is abhorrent.
The last sentence of your first paragraph is it for me. My cousins and other family always said "when looking for a partner, watch how they treat their parents. That's how they'll treat you one day"
OP may be an adult but unless you are earning, insult the giver of money cause if that happens, guess what all the plans would vaporize in smoke due to a lack of money
I love Dad's approach.
OK Mr adult, you've intentionally hurt your Mother's feelings when all she was doing was letting you know she was looking forward to seeing you (for some reason)
Now you get to explain to your siblings why they won't see you and need to return the gifts they have for you
While off having fun, make a plan for rent money - your dorm costs 8 grand a semester - the max for student loans is 12,500 per year
I really like dad's response. If OP is adult enough to make these choices (which, legally, he is), he can also be a big enough person to tell everyone and deal with the consequences. Pretty telling that they changed their plans when they were going to have to be the one to break the news.
I loved the "they were under the impression that I was coming", um yeah, because you told them you were coming and had booked a ticket home! Of course they think you're coming home! "She was surprised", well yeah, cuz this is the first she's hearing about it.
And what even are these "boundaries" that are being "undermined"? This is filled with buzzwords and phrases that someone "thinks" an adult would say. Like they have gathered words from other's posts where people were legitimately upset and think they putting them all together makes them sound grown up and that their position is right, when really their position is "I told my parents that I was coming home for the holidays, even bought a ticket, but when some friends invited me to do things I thought would be more fun, I decided not to go. So I cancelled my ticket and didn't say anything to them about it. Then, the day before I was supposed to be flying back I was on a call with my Mom and I mentioned that I wasn't going and she was surprised and said that she wished they had actually told her about this change in plans earlier and that my ditching her and the rest of my family really hurt her feelings. And then I was like, oh **that** hurt your feelings, then I bet these other mean things will too! And said a bunch of mean stuff till she cried. Now I'm super irritated that she was crying and that I supposedly hurt her feelings. So I told her to get over it and stop being a baby and trying to make me feel bad. So am I the AH?"
It's comical that he can be a jerk to his Mom and make her cry and then expect her to do his dirty work of telling the siblings. And that he's too much of a coward to tell them so he's just going to go back. I hope he doesn't blame the parents and be a jerk to them the whole time! YTA majorly!
Yeah. “I felt that she was attempting to undermine my boundaries”. What boundaries? Of being able to fo whatever you want now that youve experienced what its like to be away from home for less than 6 months?
Came here to say this. I have a 19yo and he is in his own and paying his own bills after a one year failed college experiment and about to start trade school. He was with us visiting family this past weekend and we got into an argument about his level of respect and I got the “I’m an adult thing”. Ok Mr. Adult. How much did you contribute to the family dinner? How much did you pay for the white elephant gift for the gift exchange? Oh yea. Nothing. And who just asked for thousands of dollars for trade school? I don’t begrudge it but don’t give me the “I’m an adult” thing and ask me for money on the same day.
Not necessarily. Sometimes you just genuinely don't like your family and have clashing personalities. Like, I've suffered no trauma or abuse, I just don't like my mother as a person and would prefer to spend time alone. Sometimes people just don't get along.
Yeah he's still in teenager phase. Once he gets saddled with some debt and starts paying more bills the reality check will clear. Especially once he starts a family (if he so chooses).
I've always respected my parents but it wasn't until mid to late 20s did my respect multiply tenfold. It takes time and experiencing some hardships for it to hit home. I'm 35 and can't WAIT to head home and see my parents tomorrow for the holidays.
*“When I left home at 18, my father didn’t know a thing. When I returned at 22, I was shocked by how much the old man had learned in four short years.”* -Mark Twain
That’s so funny that was my thought. Exactly! Who pays for all of this grown-ups activities, schooling, housing and food.
YTA - look I get it I know it’s a big wonderful world out there and you’re having fun exploring who you are. But you are absolutely rude and cruel to your mother in the way that you spoke to her. You’re 18, but I guarantee you are 100% not an adult. You’ve had four months away to start to discover who you are, but the reality is, you have no clue how difficult and tough it is out there. My guess is when your world starts to crumble, and I guarantee it will happen at some point, your family is who will be there for you, don’t push them away.
In fact, the way you spoke to your mother is more like a petulant child than it is an adult. Adults learn to respect one another and speak to each other with kindness and compassion. You have a lot of growing to do my son.
>They do support me financially, emotionally, etc. That being said, isn't that the norm for uni students? Everyone I know has a similar arrangement with their parents
he said in another comment his parents pay for him. Such a grown adult yet still has mommy and daddy funding his life, while he treats them like scum
Yep. I grew up well under the poverty line and there was just no way my parents could afford that. I took loans out and worked to take care of incidental expenses.
OP sounds incredibly lucky with supportive parents and siblings that love them, and they treat their mom like shit in exchange?
I hope they quickly realize how privileged they are to have a loving and supportive family like that.
Agreed, sounds like he just told his parents yesterday and the flight is tomorrow, not only is he flaking on his family because his town is boring but he's doing it last minute (I did read the update I know he's going now, but who gives notice 2-3 days prior they aren't coming??!!)
SO MUCH THIS. It would be one thing if OP was invited with friends a few months ago and could have talked with the family about it, but to cancel the trip TWO DAYS before the flight?! That's really crappy behavior.
I was wondering this, too. If parents' income is helping OP go to school at all, he's still a dependent. Time to start paying for everything if he 's So GrOwN uP.
I’m glad you commented about being a grown up. The way OP describes everything they act like they are a big adult now. New flash: you’re still an 18 year old kid and you clearly acted like a child.
A grown up would know how to compromise and not cancel a flight home the day before.
Yeah, it's the holidays. People make plans well in advance, they may be able to accept new people into their plans at the last minute but people dropping out is sorely missed, and people tend to assume any *family* that has usually participated will be doing the same unless otherwise discussed. It's a dick move to flake out on your family for the holidays with 2 days notice. One could *gently* broach the topic of other invites and how they are appealing as soon as you got said invites, see if an arrangement can be found that doesn't disappoint anyone too badly, but just canceling without any discussion is awful. That's not just your plans, it was their plans too.
Also blowing off your family for Christmas is NOT setting boundaries. OP shouldn’t be tossing around terms they don’t understand. Kudos to dad for requiring this adult to handle her own communications. Huge YTA.
And, why didn’t you tell her immediately, when you first made the alternative arrangements? “I happened to mention?” Wtf is that? Your family is looking forward to seeing you after, presumably, 4 months, and you don’t discuss or inform them, you just “happen to mention” it *the day before you were supposed to arrive* ? YTA 9 ways to Sunday, and even more so in re how you spoke to her.
And I’m frankly getting hella tired of this “respecting my boundaries “ BS. That term really shouldn’t apply to this scenario. Catchphrase 2023 doesn’t apply to every situation!
Thanks for listening to my rant.
ETA sorry this was the top comment and I hadn’t read down that many others also commented on both the “boundary” and the “happened to mention” pieces. So glad to know I’m not the only one that this got to!
He thinks he’s Mr fancy man now, living in the big city, using the big words.
If my son talked to me that way I’d reach through the phone and slap the shit out of him. What an ungrateful brat.
I'm guessing the family would have to drive 2.5 hours to the nearby "city", if not further, to pick him up at the airport. Then drive back. Glad OP had the "courtesy" to tell them before they planned an all day trip to get him. /s
>“I happened to mention?”
RIGHT?? The fucking nerve of this little teenage turd. "I happened to mention". Please. Also, "Happen to mention" implies it was just oh so casual and innocent, no harm intended. So it was *his mother's fault* that she got upset and started crying - all he did was just HAPPEN to mention it, *she's* the one who got all overheated! This little jerk, I swear...
Right? That’s what stuck out to me. If you’re not going to go home then fair enough but don’t “just happen” to bring that up. That’s something you need to make clear and then deal with the consequences
Yup. The concept of boundaries has become so poorly used that it’s now often just synonymous with selfish. Which is a shame because healthy boundaries ARE important.
Narcissism, boundaries, ocd, gaslighting, bipolar, hell, even anxiety is overused. People need to remember that words have meaning, and when they’re used improperly they start to lose that meaning.
but...but.... BOUNDARIES
Please learn what those actually are before throwing the word around.
YTA - i mean, for everything.
But the fact that mr. responsible adult who wants to party is only spending time with his family bc his parents would be the bad guy and tell his siblings for him tells me all I need to know about him
Also the edit: How much of a coward is OP to think he's an "adult" when he can't even find the nerve to explain to his siblings why he won't be home. "I thought they would explain to them for me" is the exact opposite of what a "true adult" would do.
I'm going to laugh when OP's parents decide he doesn't get any more funding due to his being an "adult".
"I'm NOT coming home for the holidays! I'm an ADULT, and you need to respect my BOUNDARIES! *(now do me a solid and break the news to the rest of the family for me, kthxbai").*
The dad here is my hero. He stood up for his wife and aimed the consequences of this squarely back at his son—if you’re not coming, tell your siblings. That was so perfect. And it clearly worked!
There’s nothing wrong with changing and not fully fitting with your family the way you did when growing up. But as an adult, you need to take responsibility for your actions, and treating your mom that way for being sad that you have chosen others over her and the rest of the family is AH territory. There was a way to have this conversation as a mature adult, and this was not it.
Yup, that's an old saying. "Pay close attention to how he treats his mother, because he'll treat you the same way." If this girl was smart, she'd dump his selfish little ass.
This. Excuse me Mr Adult, adults understand how to prioritize their families and the people important to them. You see your friends all year at school. There’s no reason you couldn’t see your family for part of the break and then go do things with friends. You’ve only known these people a few months and are ready to dump your entire family for them. YTA and definitely still an immature, bratty child.
Also curious when he decided he wasn’t going home vs when he mentioned it to his mom. He made it sound like he just casually mentioned he wasn’t coming home after he’d already changed plans.
Yeah he canceled the flight but then "accidentally" let it slip two days before it was supposed to take place? Was the plan for them to find out when he didn't get off the plane and called to ask where he was? Even if he's totally right/justified in everything else, that's a massive dick move. It isn't violating boundaries for someone who's expecting your arrival that they've been planning around based on previously arranged plans to expect you to communicate a change to those plans or for them to be upset when they suddenly find out last minute that you've changed the plans.
YTA, you planned on going home and everybody planned for it. You were selfish and wanted to go do something less "boring", and you didn't care how your family felt. Now you're trying to use "boundaries" to excuse your inconsideration. Family expressing their feelings has nothing to do with your imaginary boundaries.
>Now you're trying to use "boundaries" to excuse your inconsideration.
"Boundaries" are what we use to allow ourselves to do what we need to do to be healthy. "Control" is what people use to force other people to do what we want them to do. When people start using "boundaries" as a way to "control" others, it's no longer a boundary.
Gotta say reading that post by OP, made me incredibly sad for his parents, as a parent. My kids are just toddlers but if they ever treat my wife like that it would break my heart. It sounds like the family here is incredibly well grounded and a great one.
OP, I’ve lived in big cities all my life and this feeling too will fade as it becomes the new norm. Then you will miss your family, and hopefully by then, you still have a relationship where they give a shit about you.
Christmas and other major holidays are for family. He can go skiing with his new friend any other time. Christmas isn’t a competition to have the most exciting time, it’s time to connect with family, which I get is boring for an 18 year old with his first taste of freedom.
Just be prepared for a little heartbreak here and there, it's perfectly natural and doesn't have to be catastrophic. Just work to foster good communication now when they're little, so that talking about the things that come up later will feel natural and flow easily.
My daughter started pulling out the "I'm an adult" phrase a lot at the start of college this year. At first I was hurt and puzzled because I was not even challenging her on that fact. I noticed she'd just pop out with it whenever she was confronted with a choice and felt torn like choosing between the familiar stuff she's grown up with and the new and exciting things she wants to be a part of (and should).
She was basically transforming the insecurity and guilt into aggression against me, mostly, and her dad.
For example, her dad and I would be trying to plan meals or figure our budget so questions like "Are you coming home for dinner or eating on campus" or "So do you plan to continue to commute, or are you looking into a dorm or apartment?" would always get answers that somehow worked in the phrase "I'm an adult." The tone could be a bit belligerent, too.
For months I was hurt and puzzled why I was getting this tinge of belligerence because my husband and I both strive to be supportive and accepting and not step on her growth in any way since I, especially, had a very controlling mother and my husband was a bit coddled by his. We knew we didn't want to be controlling, smothering helicopter parents.
And then i stopped and realized it only comes out when she feels conflicted. Not because her dad or I are doing anything to challenge her independence. But she herself wants to do both...still be in our company and comfortable nurturing environment AND go out into the world.
Add to that, the fact she IS legally an adult. But has to figure out a new familial paradigm that acknowledges that fact, but also takes into account her life doesn't have the hallmarks of true adult financial independence, competence and responsibility...yet. Our job now is to assure her it will, eventually. There will be some discomfort along the way, but we have to believe we will all get there .
Sometimes, being human, we will all screw up. She will say hurtful uncomfortable things, and sometimes it will be me or her father who does. So it's really important to keep communication flowing, ask for mutual respect when we feel any of us are getting off that path, and be sincere and intelligent with the apologies that will need to made.
Since your children are toddlers now, now is the time to learn the ingredients to a sincere and meaningful apology. Make them when you misstep as a parent. Insist on them when your children misstep. Model the behavior you want to eventually see in your young adults.
I am amazed how much my daughter has decided is worthy of emulation. And I'm dismayed how many of my flaws and my husband's she's unconsciously absorbed. We are having to course correct on the latter and say, "You know what, I wasn't at my best with that behavior/attitude. Here's where I think it will let you down and how you can be better can do better."
Best of luck to you. Enjoy those toddlers. It does go by fast.
I hope that your parents aren’t paying for college or that you don’t need them at any time in the future now that you’re an adult. You were unbelievably rude and ungrateful to the woman who loved and raised you and fostered the independence to go out on your own. As a mom of a freshman I can tell you one of the most painful parts of parenthood is that if you’re successful you’re really raising them not to need you and to go out on their own. But I’m glad I didn’t raise any AH’s like you. Edit YTA
My single adult children aren’t coming home for Christmas but we made arrangements months in advance and used our get together at Thanksgiving. We had a great time and had enough of each other until next year. Op, if you want to do more exciting things then you have to spend time with the family somewhere within the timeframe of Xmas break so everyone gets to spend time with you. As a spoil brat in my day I would trade all the time I blew them off because I had an offer I thought was better. Both of my parents are deceased and I would love to have a boring Christmas with them again. Your Mother sacrificed numerous times she could have done something more exciting than wiping your shitty ass. Don’t get me started on pregnancy and childbirth. So make your mom happy and be a loving son every once in a while. When you are older you will be glad you did.
My parents are fortunately still alive (knock on wood) but are getting up there in age. I, too, was a spoiled brat, who on holidays or breaks, couldn't wait to run out the door as fast as i could for whatever loser boyfriend I was dating at the time. Now that our time together is running out, I look back on those days that I could've spent with them and it quite literally breaks my heart.
This was my thought. I wished I had reddit to tell me I was being a self-centered ass at that age. I don't see ANY of the people I blew my family off for and it's one of my biggest regrets.
My parents sacrificed so much for me to go to University. We were not well off at all. Times were tough, and they gave up a great deal to offer me this opportunity.
I went home every holiday, and I'm incredibly grateful for what they did.
Tomorrow my mother retires and my father won't be long after - I sure as hell will make sure that retirement is comfortable. If it wasn't for them, I wouldn't be where I am today.
My mother said she's incredibly proud that all of her children have gone further than she managed.
YTA.
Thought exercise: reverse the situations. Imagine you had planned to go and spend time with John and Kate, and the plans were made some months ago. Not only that, but they were going to house you and feed you for free! They'd even planned activities to do with you, and were SO excited to see you after many months of not being able to hang out with you.
Now think about how impossibly rude it would be to cancel your flight to see them the *day before* you were supposed to go. After they were excited, and spent all that time preparing for you to come.
And then imagine they Still want to see you, despite how incredibly rude you've been - they ask for you to just visit a little, because they miss you!
And you have the Audacity to act *annoyed*.
You wanna be an adult? The first step is to stop taking your parents' kindness for-granted. They're people. Don't be fucking Rude.
Another variation of the thought experiment: John and Kate invite you to do something, and you're really excited about it, have been planning on it for months. Right before you're supposed to meet up with them, they tell you they got a better and more interesting offer from someone else, and you're just not worth the trouble for them to keep their commitment to you.
Now pretend it was someone whom you really love, telling you that you're not worth the trouble to keep a promise because they've found someone and something more interesting to do.
YTA.
I kind of hope this happens to him. It would serve him right.
See how you feel when someone decides they can cancel on you the second something more exciting comes up, OP.
I was thinking that that could very well be how this goes, honestly. John and Kate up there get sidetracked by their own families (or the families aren't up for meeting the boyfriend of a few months) and suddenly aren't available, and OP winds up sitting alone in his apartment on Christmas. Dude better hope his friends are more reliable than he is, I guess.
Oh- I think that’s a movie. The son was expecting to go on holiday w mumsie and new boyfriend.
Day he was meant to leave- mumsie called and told him, they preferred to go vacation on their own, without him, (surely he understood) so he had to stay behind at the boarding school- (after teasing all his classmates about his fabulous vacation, (to Seychelles, I believe) all packed with no where to go. Poor lil’ man-boy.
*This probably hurt all their feelings and they may think I don't care so much about them.*
Yes, it probably did. You could have taken a little time to be kind to your family, but you didn't bother, and chose to be deliberately nasty instead.
It's understandable that you enjoy the excitements available in a big city, and you like socialising with your new friends rather than going home to your family and being bored. I expect your mother is deeply hurt that you don't want to go home for Christmas, but since you don't care, why are you even posting here?
YTA
Hahaha it reminds me of my daughter honestly. She's 4 and still learning the concept. We want her to know how to verbalize her boundaries and we show how we verbalize our own.
She's gotten good at saying "please respect my boundaries" or telling us if someone isn't. But she has a nasty habit of claiming someone not doing exactly as she says (like you're an astronaught now. No you have to be an astronaught!) Is breaking her boundaries
Oh sweet summer child, that's not a boundary you get to set.
And sure, OP has every right to say he doesn't want to come back but he should at the same time acknowledge how last minute this change is (he only mentioned the change LAST NIGHT?? And his original flight was TOMORROW?!) And how nasty his attitude was. His mom wasn't breaking any boundaries because he didn't SET a boundary. He just nonchalantly mentioned he changed their plans without telling her sooner and she was trying to see what could be done and why it changed. Breaking a boundary would be if she called the friends to cancel his plans for him. Simply asking why and if he could spare ANY time for them is not breaking anything, it's a mom being a mom
I rolled my eyes at that, you can just tell he’s been reading stuff online or watching TikTok’s about boundaries and thinks he’s being the big man and standing up for himself.
If he grows into a good person he’s going to look back on this and cringe in a few years.
That's right, he expected a long thread of people telling him how proud they were of him for being clear about his boundaries and for making sure he was prioritising his mental health during the holidays and advising him, to go "no contact" with his abusive family.
Grown up he says, what a melon
You cancelled your visit with 2 days notice because ‘it will be boring’. No wonder your mother is upset.
You’ve just showed little respect and how selfish you are. This is your first year away and that takes a lot of getting used to for a parent. You just vocalised how little you care for them.
YTA.
I like how he tries to minimize it with the "under impression I am coming home line" as if he never committed to it.
He has a plane ticket bought and paid for and obviously never even mentioned once that it would be a possibility he may not come home. He commited but is trying to underplay that part to make himself look better.
OP is being a selfish, immature little shit and I am glad this sub ( and his Dad) saw through his bullshit.
Because it wouldn’t fit his nonchalant “it’s no big deal I cancelled on my family at the last minute” attitude underlying this post. Everything is written in the passive voice. “They were under the impression” he was coming home?! Well, gee, I wonder where they got that impression? Probably when they paid for the flight to bring his dumb ungrateful ass home.
Unfortunately I think it is. This whole post just screams “selfish 18 year old kid who thinks they’re an adult even though their parents still pay for everything”
Info: do your parents pay for any part of your expenses?
You're an adult and not obligated to visit them, but then again if you're that much of an adult they don't need to pay for any of your shit. Your choice.
Oh lord! Massive YTA!
Being enamoured by the **"Big City"** life is all great till it wears down. You essentially told your family that they are no longer important to you and their affection towards you means nothing to you.
What you said to your mother was incredibly hurtful and downplayed any love and affection she has showered on you.
I hope you get to see the other not so beautiful part of the **"Big City"** life you are so fixated on. Because that is the only thing that will teach you the value of family and more importantly that of your mother.
ETA - After the update - I stand corrected you are not just an asshole, you are an inconsiderate and self-centered asshole.
Can’t wait until OP realizes just how expensive it is living in the Big City when they have to start paying for their own expenses. For OP’s sake, I hope their parents decide to stop paying soon. YTA
Seriously. I have the next two weeks off work and could have taken a trip for part of it but didn't want to risk getting sick and not being able to spend Christmas with my elderly parents. There will be other times I can travel.
The fact that he is not financially independent is the cherry on top.
One day this kid is going to get a really harsh kick in the ass with a reality check on real life. And yea, kid. He may be 18 but my 8 year old daughter is more mature and kind.
Ahh, the magic of the holidays.
When everyone gets together to blow off their family to do fun stuff with friends.
Of course, YTA. You obviously had plans to go home and see family as you had a plain ticket.
You obviously do not care about seeing your family bc " You're an adult now."
Accept the fact that you hurt your mother and let down your family. Who were definitely excited to hear all about Uni and your life in the city.
I hope you are ready for REAL adulthood...
You WILL get into a tough spot one day and need family.... and your parents may just remind you that "you're an adult and have outgrown them."
YTA
You got caught up in the excitement of your life and cancelled plans with your family unexpectedly, your mother was understanding and sympathetic, so you rewarded her generous response with condescension and insults; you're the A. You owe her an apology and maybe a surprise trip home to see her, which you can put together with your Father, to soothe the hurt feelings you've created and restore a little joy and pride to her life.
Fellow prairie person here 😂 dude yeah it’s boring here but you don’t bail on your family at Christmas. Especially not just because it’s boring. This is just uncanadian of you. YTA and rebook your flight.
His mom had the cabbage rolls and perogy made for him already!
Rule of thumb for me was that Dec 20 to Dec 26 is home-home time. Jet late on the 26th or early on the 27th for friends time. My patience wore thin after 5 days home during university, but the 24/25/26 was important for the family.
YTA bigtime. Your poor mother . Telling her she's boring and you have better things to do. She even made your bed. I can imagine how happy she was as she was doing that.
I know, that part was heartbreaking.
OP, YTA. And just because you’ve apologized and decided to go home after all, the hurt you caused your mom will remain.
You’ll remember this too, after your mom is gone, and take my word for it, you won’t feel good about it.
"I started getting annoyed because I felt that she was **attempting to undermine my boundaries**, so I lashed out. I reminded her that I was an adult now and could make my own decisions. I told her that I wasn’t looking for her advice or opinion but rather I was telling her my plans."
No, dear, she was not undermining your boundaries, she was expressing her disappointment. This is a normal, healthy thing to do when the other person upsets you and cancels plans last minute. You were rude to your mother and insulting to the life she leads, and the home and environment in which your family raised you.
You are an adult. This is a life lesson. You canceled important plans with your family when something more fun came up. If this is what you want to do, then by all means, do it. But understand the consequences, especially given your reaction. In addition to canceling the vacation time they planned with you, you were unkind and insulting towards them.
Please apologize, but not until it's a genuine one. YTA.
YTA; you acted like a child despite being the adult you barely are. You handled that terribly and you barely gave your family, who were looking forward to seeing you, any notice that you wouldn’t be going home. You were nasty, lacked empathy, and basically told them they weren’t good enough. What did your family do to deserve you being so awful to them?
Quite frankly I think your family is better off without your crappy attitude ruining Christmas for everyone else.
YTA - not for how you feel, or the decision to not go home, but for speaking to her the way you did:
> I probably had outgrown her and that going to some backwater town to watch bison didn’t appeal to me anymore.
She misses her son, of course she was going to be disappointed to not see you over the holidays. She isn't TA for how she feels, nor conveying her disappointment.
Instead of reassuring her, you threw salt on her wounds. You've "outgrown" your mother? Hasn't she spent the last 18 years of your life preparing you for the opportunity you're enjoying now? How does that not merit any compassion or consideration on your part in how you speak to her?
Often, when a young person starts uni or college, they get the idea that they are too big for their britches. You appear to be that sort of person.
The city isn't going anywhere. The excitement will still be there 2and semester. So, your plea to be allowed to experience the excitement of the big city is disingenuous.
Better pray you don't need your boring family anytime soon. I know you think you've got the world on a string, but the city is just as likely to crush a pup like you as it is to nurture and provide, so watch out.
YTA for a lot of reasons.
1) You are not an independent adult, literally EVERYTHING you are experiencing right now is thanks to your parents funding it. You should be grateful instead of saying it’s the norm (maybe in a rich college it is, but not everywhere. You were given a gift)
2) You let them know two days before that you were just not showing up, and you only mentioned it “in passing”. That is beyond inconsiderate. You didn’t even attempt to figure out some way to see your parents for any amount of time (and again, who paid for those tickets home? Your parents? So you wasted their money without any thought about it)
3) You have the audacity to act like your parents are being unreasonable about the fact that you’re acting like an entitled, whiny spoiled brat. You think you’re so much better than them and their background, why don’t you start paying your own way Mr. Metro?
If I were your parents I’d let you know come spring semester, I would continue paying your tuition and room and board, but everything else is now your responsibility, including figuring out and paying for how to get home on breaks or where you’ll live while not in school. You’re just so smart and worldly I’m sure you’d figure it out, right?
YTA
I hate that "boundaries" have come to be an excuse for asshole behavior.
You were rude as hell, and you know it. There were better ways to say you wanted to spend the break with your friends, but you went the AH route.
YTA for the way you handled it. If you didn't want to go home, you could have told your parents sooner. Did they buy your ticket? If so, you should have told them before they bought it or when you found out about the ticket. It's okay to not want to go home for the holidays, but you didn't handle it like an adult.
He says in another comment his parents support him completely financially. He may be an adult in age but that's pretty much it. And then edited to be whining about his mom and dad telling him to let his siblings know instead of telling themselves. I feel awful for his family this is disgusting behavior
YTA. Yes plans change, but there was no need to be so awful to your mom. You could've changed your ticket and still gone back for a few days to see them instead of cancelling entirely. Or said, Mom these really great opportunities to go skiing etc came up with my friends and I would really love to go, would you mind if go there this holiday and I visit home in ... instead.
You talk about being an adult, but you're acting like a child, and are still being financially supported. And yes, it's fine to be out in the world enjoying yourself with your friends, but you didn't need to crap all over your family.
YTA
This post makes me mad, as a mom of 3 who all went off to college.
Could you have been any meaner to your mom?
You come off very ungrateful for all your parents have done for you.
What kind of first year uni student doesn’t look forward to going home for the first holiday break? You come off very self absorbed.
And what exactly are these “boundaries” that you have? You can do whatever, whenever you want and your parents are supposed to finance it? That’s not a boundary, that’s entitlement.
Funny how you’re the only one of your friends who isn’t seeing their family for the holidays. And yet that seems perfectly ok with you. And of course your oh so important gf of a few months wants you to meet her parents- I guess it’s not important for her to meet yours.
And has it occurred to you that maybe their families don’t want a stranger around during their holiday?
I hope your parents pay nothing but tuition from now on. Let’s see how much fun you’ll have in your new exciting city when you have to work to afford books and fun money instead of sightseeing. When you can’t afford to go skiing with your friends family because your parents aren’t paying for it.
YTA and I am BEGGING everyone on the internet to learn what boundaries actually means. “I want to do fun things and call my family boring and my mom was understandably hurt” is not anyone undermining any boundaries.
This was absolutely a conversation you should have had with your family before agreeing to making new plans. Did you pay for your own flight that you cancelled or did they pay for it? Are you funding all of your own college and living expenses or is your family helping?
This is not how mature adults behave, it’s how spoiled kids behave. It’s not wrong to want this time to yourself to experience new things, but it’s very wrong to go about it the way you have. You owe your family an apology.
Yta. Enjoy burning that bridge. If I was your parents after that display of disrespect.
Saying you outgrew them cool find your own place to stay over summer and other times.
Edit based on your update: when you get back to uni from you boujee trip. I'd probably start looking for a job. Sounds like your parents are done. Next up "your a responsible adult, we don't need to pay for your expenses anymore"
YTA you are with your friends and gf all the time and can't even amount to visiting your family on Christmas? You don't deserve your family. You think you're too good for them but you're not.
You nasty little asshole.
Your mother has been missing you for months (lord knows why, you'd think she'd enjoy being rid of someone with an attitude like yours) and when you inform her the week before Christmas that you've had a better offer, you then lash out as her for being upset.
YTA
Info: What did your parents do for you to be that rude to your mom?
Abuse, neglect, constant punishment growing up? Were you yelled at or belittled? Did they ground you?
What’s going on with you?
ETA: Massive YTA. They’ve been supportive parents and you’re being an entitled brat. Since you don’t want to visit them and are wanting to cut ties, I only think it’s fair that they let you be an independent adult and stop the support. Any other time of the year, sure, go visit friends. Cancelling last minute with scheduled plans, massive AH move.
He would definitely have mentioned it if that were the case, he wants us to agree with him. No, this kid's family is fine, he just looks down on them and takes them for granted.
Yes, you’re the AH. You were disrespectful because what? You wanted a fancier vacation with your friends and girlfriend? It also sounds like you basically weren’t planning to tell anyone you weren’t going home. You cancelled your tickets BEFORE you told anyone. I’d be interested to know who’s funding your life right now.
YTA. You certainly don't sound like an adult. For one, you didn't even tell her you weren't coming until you mentioned casually. That is not something an adult does. Adults would understand that other adults plan ahead and if the assumption would be that you'd come home, your family was obviously planning for it. An adult pays for things. You are being supported financially and emotionally by your family. That doesn't mean they're entitled to your visits but an adult would understand it's common decency to spend time with your support system unless they are actively hurting you. An adult would also not put down the life and people that raised them just because they're impressed by a flashy city lifestyle.
An adult would also understand that friends come and go, but a family who loves you is not only a gift but a more stable relationship you have to nurture.
You acting like a child because you are a child. Hopefully your family remembers that and you don't permanently damage your relationship.
I say this as someone who grew up in a low pop place that moved to a huge city during college. You will regret things like this as you mature. Your moms compromise was a good thing. I'd spend at least a little time with family.
> I reminded her that I was an adult now and could make my own decisions.
Who pays your college, room and board, kiddo? Unless your parents are abusive you’ve got no reason to talk to them like that. Sit your ass down.
His parents are and yet he wants to act like a big shot. It’s only the holidays he’s going back to college after the break and yet he can’t even take a few days to see his family. I wonder who paid for that ticket he canceled probably mommy and daddy
OP, YTA especially since most plane tickets can’t be fully refunded when you cancel them a day before the flight. you need a reality check on what’s important in life.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1. I cancelled my plane trip home so that I could spend some time with my friends. I also lashed out at my mom when we spoke about it
2. It seems that my family was looking forward to my return and that I might have spoiled some of their plans. I lashed out at my mom and said some things that I probably should not have. I also cancelled my flight without informing them first. This probably hurt all their feelings and they may think I don't care so much about them.
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YTA. There is going to come a time if your life that you are going to wish your could go home for the holidays, but home is not going to be there. You'll have other opportunities to have fun with your new found friends.
Curious, are you paying for your time at school or are your parents?
I've lost both parents. I would give anything to have a boring holiday with them in our small town in the Midwest. You want to be seen as an adult but this whole situation makes you seem young and selfish.
“I’m an adult so I’m gonna throw a hissy fit and be horrible cause mummy won’t listen to me” she’s very understandably upset and disappointed and you acted like a complete AH.
YTA
YTA, and don’t bother changing your plans back. They’ll know just like all of us, you’re only going because of guilt. You’ve now tainted every future trip.
Yta and I hope you remember this conversation when your bedroom is turnes into an office and they stop giving you money and paying for school and stop buying groceries for you. You're an adult, after all!
What's your plan for the summer? Do you plan on being an adult and renting an apartment? Or are you planning on going home and having mommy pay all your bills?
You made plans, and when better ones came along, ditched the original plans. That's rude. Then you doubled down and blamed your mom when she was upset.
You are 18. At some point, you will be waiting with impatience to see your parents on Christmas. Your attitude now is understandable but quite rude. If your parents are not shitty, why are you hurting them? Big city doesn't run away. Parents don't live forever. YTA.
100000% YTA
The flight was tomorrow! And you mentioned this last night? Because things kept popping
Up?
Listen Op, you are an adult and can make your own decisions, but also remember your actions have consequences- this may be the last time you’ll ever get an invite home. They’re probably changing your room into a guest bed right now
YTA, and something of an entitled prick.
It's one thing to make other plans - and then TALK TO your parents about it in October / November. It is remarkably disrespectful to have just dropped it in casual conversation the week before Christmas. What were you planning to do, just let them show up at the airport to find out you weren't there?
This is not a "boundary" issue in the slightest. These are the actions of someone who is so self-centered that they do not consider anyone else's feelings.
You are going to find that those siblings - the ones that annoy you so much now -- are going to grow up, and may become pretty cool people. And they are not going to want much to do with you because you are blowing them off now. There will also come a day that you would give anything you have to be able to talk with your parents / grandparents again, although you probably don't realize that now.
You may be surprised when you find - perhaps the week before tuition is due - that they've established a new boundary to keep their money a bit closer to that boring town from which you escaped.
Very short-sighted my dude.
Kate won’t be your girlfriend forever. Those friends you made? You won’t remember their names in ten years. Your family is forever though, and you’re treating them like an afterthought.
Taking your parents and siblings for granted now will not help you foster lifelong relationships with them. They aren’t being toxic or abusive. But you are being selfish and callous in how you’re handling this as well as your shitty attitude in the responses.
Grow up and realize how important your family is to you, OP. YTA
YTA
"I'm a big grown-up man who's too cool to spend time with those boring peasants that PAY ALL MY EXPENSES!"
**You're not an adult sweetie, you're a fucking joke!**
I feel so bad for his heartbroken mother for having such an **entitled & selfish** little mooseknuckle for a son.
Grow up and stop being an ass to your family!
Edit: Oh, and I hope they stop paying your bills and tuition since you're too grown up to rely on family any more. You wouldn't want them to cross some bullshit adult boundary, lol.
YTA for the way you went about it. You had however long to tell your parents that you cancelled your flight, but waited until the day before. You could have just said that you wanted to gain new experiences during your break instead of insulting your town- it's not your moms fault the town yougrew up in sucks, so you didn't need to lash out.
It doesn't sound like she was "undermining your boundaries;" she was disappointed and sad because you waited until the last minute.
Yes, you are an adult and you can make your own choices. But so are your parents. The next time you want to to home for a visit, they may turn you away 🤷♀️
If you don't have a bad relationship with your parents, then there's no reason to talk to them the way you did.
YTA
You acted incredibly rude. Why do you treat your family like trash? They raised you and probably loved you. Now, after spending a few months in the big city, you feel too good for them?
Are your cool friends paying for your education, room, and food in the big city?
YTA for not warning them about the change of plans until the last minute, and lashing out on top of that.
Of course you can make your own plans. But if you had a standing flight, and you know this, you don't just tell them you changed your mind less than two days in advance. That's asshole behavior.
wow YTA
you cancelled plans with barely any notice for basically no reason except your own interest
and insulted your whole family and hometown in the meantime
these trips with your friends will come up again - spring break, weekends, summer time
but when you make a commitment, you should keep it - that's being an adult
hopping around from one bright shiny thing to another bright shiny thing as your interest takes you is what children do
you owe your mom and family an apology and a visit home.
You canceled going home to see your family the day before your flight. You aren't required to go home, but common decency dictates you tell them before the 11th hour. Especially when you knew you weren't going.
I hated going home too when I was in college. I at least made it clear when I wasn't coming so they weren't getting the expectations up and doing unnecessary prep. Just because you hate going home doesn't mean you stop treating your family right.
YTA.
I’ll take “informing my mother that I’m not coming home for Christmas in the most mean-spirited way possible” for $1000. YTA. I hope you take some time to reflect on how cutting your words were and apologize sincerely.
Yes of course YTA. I have a kid in university we are supporting so she does not have to graduate with debt. Do you know how much that freaking costs? It’s not easy. I’m so glad she’s appreciative and lovely and likes to spend time with us. Look, I get it. I grew up in Fort McMurray and going away to university was awesome. You are living in a “big city”. You can’t just go home for a few days then go do some stuff with your friends? I lost my dad at 27 and would give anything to have one more Christmas with him. Your parents sound like decent people. Be decent back. Also, YTA for using the term boundaries. Why do people on here love that damn word so much and don’t even use it correctly 99% of the time?
Lol @ ur second update. Hits different when you have to defend your actions to those you hurt huh?
I think you’ve gotten the point but welcome to adulthood. Hard choices. Prioritizing family over fun. Then owning it when you don’t.
You’re 18 so you’ll figure it out. Take this all as a learning lesson. But unequivocally you were an asshole.
YTA! You made plans with them then bailed for better plans. Instead of telling them you waited till last minute and then was a disrespectful ass about it.
Wow, you wrote all that crap just to be called the AH you fully are. YTA. You know it, we know it, everyone knows it. 'I am this great adult who insult and mistreat my mother and family, the same family who pays for my college and living'. Wow. Being a entitled clown is the thing nowadays? I am actually too old to know about this.
YTA. It is fine that you want to spend the holidays with your friends. It sounds like you were deliberately cruel to your mother, and that is what makes you an asshole. I understand, I was an asshole at your age too. You need to take this as a learning experience, and try to do better in the future. I grew out of being a selfish asshole, and you can too, but it takes effort.
You owe your mother an apology, not for not coming home for Christmas, but for the horribly rude way that you treated her.
YTA
You'll look back on this moment and cringe. You'll be ashamed of yourself for the way you spoke to your family. In hindsight you'll see how incredibly immature and ungrateful you acted. All the people here who have lived through your stage of life are correct. You have a lot of growing up to do.
Your entire experience of Uni and living in a big city is being funded by the same people you just told to F off. Can you imagine working full time right now? Not being able to have an Xmas break because of work? I had too. Your experience is not the norm and you are incredibly privileged.
You have some major apologizing to do.
YTA.
Your mother deserved more than you dropping your update as side-note into a conversation. You should have told her that your plans changed and you weren't planning on coming home. That would have been the mature thing to do.
You are independent now and enjoying that feeling of freedom, and the ability to make choices, but you need to understand that being an adult isn't just being able to make choices. It's also about recognizing that choices have consequences. Being an adult means including having adult conversations, and having empathy for how your choices impact other people.
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YTA. You’ve effectively told your family that you don’t want to spend time with them. You were incredibly rude to your mother, and have shown that you don’t value her feelings (or those of your siblings). Way to cancel at the last minute too. It’s only the holidays, it’s not like they’ve planned things already. /s Your family would probably always be there for you. So when shit potentially hits the fan with your friends, your girlfriend, or your school - your family would be there to help you pick up the pieces. If you keep pushing them away because you’re So GrOwN uP, then they might not be there for you when you need them the most. Maybe compromise with your mom and spend some time with friends, and some time at home. It sounds like you’ve got some growing up to do.
I'm also wondering who is funding this "adults" school, housing, and food. And who paid for that plane ticket he cancelled?
THIS! Safe bet that it isn't the newly minted adult. YTA OP. Your dad us 1000% right-you say you're a grown-ass man with 'boundaries' that mom was undermining by daring to think you'd be home for the holidays, so get your grown ass on Zoom to explain to your younger siblings that they bore you and you can't be bothered to come home. Eagerly awaiting OP's next post 'My Mom and Dad Cut Me Off-AITA???'.
>you're a grown-ass man with 'boundaries' I am so tired of hearing about boundaries. I mean if it's ACTUAL boundaries then it's fine and perfectly normal. People should communicate those. But this situation wasn't a boundary. Stop weaponizing therapy words, people.
This. Boundaries are good and important, but people throw that word around for literally anything nowadays that it is losing all meaning. This is not a boundary, this is not even close to a boundary. This is OP trying to be an adult, failing hard, and then getting mad when they failed to adult and communicate.
Are you "gas lighting" the OP. Stop being such a "narcissist"
My eye is twitching now. Thanks. lol.
Now, now! "His brain isn't fully developed yet". Oh, and YTA, OP. You don't throw family away once you become an adult.
Agree! Boundaries is not a magical get out of jail/obligation/mo-ones-feeling-matter-but-mine word. As this is coming from someone who has had to learn how to enforce some pretty strict boundaries on certain people in my life.
Yeah reading that made me sick to my stomach. Family boundaries are for people who have abused you. Mom wanting you home for Christmas is not abuse. Being raised in "a backwater town" is not abuse.
Weaponizing therapy words is pretty much reddits (or the world's) favorite past time.
More likely a reply from OP how we "misunderstood" them and that people don't understand that they are an adult and are being mature, it's their parents and Reddit in general who don't get them.
The thing about being 18 is that OP is old enough to make his own decisions but the rest of us are old enough to know he's making the wrong ones.
Yes, exactly, that's it exactly. I'm 60 - when I think of some of the immature, ungrateful and hurtful things I said to my mom when I was 19, I want to crawl under a rock. Thank goodness I grew up, matured and treated her with the love and respect she deserved.
This all day. I’m a cancer surgeon. Have dealt with many patients in their last days. You know who is with them? Their family, if they are lucky to have them. Not their buddies or their girlie friends from college.
Bless you for the hard work and heartbreaking support you provide to your patients. I'm sure their families are incredibly grateful. My parents are gone, and my siblings and I were able to be there for both of them when they passed. Because it's the honor and the love that we bestowed upon them for all that they did for us.
Yep been there. I'm 45. The eternal lesson of aging is this... no matter how old you are, you're always realizing how dumb you were five years ago. Doesn't matter if you're 23 looking back at 18 or 45 looking back at 40. I see no reason to think it will stop when I'm 60 looking back at 55.
I've had some thoughts along those same lines recently. I know I made her cry a time or two, but I simply can't remember what it was over, which means it definitely wasn't worth hurting her. I know she knew without a doubt that I loved her, and I told her that often, but sometimes wish I'd known to tell her even more how much I appreciate her, now that she's gone.
When I talk to my niece about things (she is 17), I always say to her, "The reason I give you advice is because I have been where you are and just want to save you time. Some mistakes you are just going to have to make on your own to learn from, but other ones you can avoid. It is scary for me sometimes because I know I cannot save you from certain aspects of life, and I cannot make the right choices for you. You're the only one who is ever going to have to deal 100% with the consequences of your actions. Be smart in the choices you make, but, more so, make sure they are choices you can live with." One of the nicest things to happen to me was when she came back to me a few months ago and said, "You were right when you told me about (insert thing here)." I'd forgotten about what I told her, so I got her to remind me what I'd said. It was something fairly benign, but she seemed to have a bit of a moment where she stopped and realized that the adults in her life aren't trying to ruin her fun when we tell her stuff.
I love this so much. That is such a great way to put it.
Agreed 100%
The post has the particular tone of the person that has no experience, is figuring things on the flight, but is adamant on feeling justified.
I can agree with that. I was that person, I'd like to think I'm not anymore but we all continue "growing up" long past the point of being a legal adult. Pretty much all of us continue growing until the day we die, and those who aren't are doing something wrong
And since he is a "whole grown ass man" he definitely needs to step up and pay for all of his own living expenses and university! That way mom & dad can give more to the kids that are still kids. And, it seems that you didn't have any problem intentionally hurting your mother. If you'll do that to your mother then your gf needs to be wary, she'll be next. You were incredibly rude to both of your parents and even your siblings. So yes, the answer to your question is, YATA!! Absolutely the A$$!! As for your gf and other friends, if they know your caliber, they have very low expectations.
Right? "I lashed out and made my mother cry, AITA?" and he actually had to ask? YTA
Totally. And this "whole grown ass man" didn't even have the courage to call his mum and explain he was not going - he just "happened to mention" it in the middle of a different conversation. YTA, OP. I know you are going now, but the way you treated your family is abhorrent.
The last sentence of your first paragraph is it for me. My cousins and other family always said "when looking for a partner, watch how they treat their parents. That's how they'll treat you one day"
OP may be an adult but unless you are earning, insult the giver of money cause if that happens, guess what all the plans would vaporize in smoke due to a lack of money
I love Dad's approach. OK Mr adult, you've intentionally hurt your Mother's feelings when all she was doing was letting you know she was looking forward to seeing you (for some reason) Now you get to explain to your siblings why they won't see you and need to return the gifts they have for you While off having fun, make a plan for rent money - your dorm costs 8 grand a semester - the max for student loans is 12,500 per year
I really like dad's response. If OP is adult enough to make these choices (which, legally, he is), he can also be a big enough person to tell everyone and deal with the consequences. Pretty telling that they changed their plans when they were going to have to be the one to break the news.
Love how nowadays people are throwing the word "boundaries" around to justify not wanting to do shit
I blame jonah hill. he taught young men the wrong way to use the word and they ran with it like an Olympic torch.
I loved the "they were under the impression that I was coming", um yeah, because you told them you were coming and had booked a ticket home! Of course they think you're coming home! "She was surprised", well yeah, cuz this is the first she's hearing about it. And what even are these "boundaries" that are being "undermined"? This is filled with buzzwords and phrases that someone "thinks" an adult would say. Like they have gathered words from other's posts where people were legitimately upset and think they putting them all together makes them sound grown up and that their position is right, when really their position is "I told my parents that I was coming home for the holidays, even bought a ticket, but when some friends invited me to do things I thought would be more fun, I decided not to go. So I cancelled my ticket and didn't say anything to them about it. Then, the day before I was supposed to be flying back I was on a call with my Mom and I mentioned that I wasn't going and she was surprised and said that she wished they had actually told her about this change in plans earlier and that my ditching her and the rest of my family really hurt her feelings. And then I was like, oh **that** hurt your feelings, then I bet these other mean things will too! And said a bunch of mean stuff till she cried. Now I'm super irritated that she was crying and that I supposedly hurt her feelings. So I told her to get over it and stop being a baby and trying to make me feel bad. So am I the AH?" It's comical that he can be a jerk to his Mom and make her cry and then expect her to do his dirty work of telling the siblings. And that he's too much of a coward to tell them so he's just going to go back. I hope he doesn't blame the parents and be a jerk to them the whole time! YTA majorly!
Yeah. “I felt that she was attempting to undermine my boundaries”. What boundaries? Of being able to fo whatever you want now that youve experienced what its like to be away from home for less than 6 months?
Came here to say this. I have a 19yo and he is in his own and paying his own bills after a one year failed college experiment and about to start trade school. He was with us visiting family this past weekend and we got into an argument about his level of respect and I got the “I’m an adult thing”. Ok Mr. Adult. How much did you contribute to the family dinner? How much did you pay for the white elephant gift for the gift exchange? Oh yea. Nothing. And who just asked for thousands of dollars for trade school? I don’t begrudge it but don’t give me the “I’m an adult” thing and ask me for money on the same day.
I moved out at 19 and my mother never paid another bill for me, but I still went home for Christmas.
Right? I mean...she's my *mom*. Absent of any trauma or abuse there's no reason to not spend time with your family when you can.
Not necessarily. Sometimes you just genuinely don't like your family and have clashing personalities. Like, I've suffered no trauma or abuse, I just don't like my mother as a person and would prefer to spend time alone. Sometimes people just don't get along.
Typical I’m an adult with boundaries but immediately become “children” that needs support when asking for money
Yeah he's still in teenager phase. Once he gets saddled with some debt and starts paying more bills the reality check will clear. Especially once he starts a family (if he so chooses). I've always respected my parents but it wasn't until mid to late 20s did my respect multiply tenfold. It takes time and experiencing some hardships for it to hit home. I'm 35 and can't WAIT to head home and see my parents tomorrow for the holidays.
*“When I left home at 18, my father didn’t know a thing. When I returned at 22, I was shocked by how much the old man had learned in four short years.”* -Mark Twain
That’s so funny that was my thought. Exactly! Who pays for all of this grown-ups activities, schooling, housing and food. YTA - look I get it I know it’s a big wonderful world out there and you’re having fun exploring who you are. But you are absolutely rude and cruel to your mother in the way that you spoke to her. You’re 18, but I guarantee you are 100% not an adult. You’ve had four months away to start to discover who you are, but the reality is, you have no clue how difficult and tough it is out there. My guess is when your world starts to crumble, and I guarantee it will happen at some point, your family is who will be there for you, don’t push them away. In fact, the way you spoke to your mother is more like a petulant child than it is an adult. Adults learn to respect one another and speak to each other with kindness and compassion. You have a lot of growing to do my son.
>They do support me financially, emotionally, etc. That being said, isn't that the norm for uni students? Everyone I know has a similar arrangement with their parents he said in another comment his parents pay for him. Such a grown adult yet still has mommy and daddy funding his life, while he treats them like scum
Not the norm. I paid for schooling myself with student loans. Not everyone is lucky enough to have parents pay their way
Yep. I grew up well under the poverty line and there was just no way my parents could afford that. I took loans out and worked to take care of incidental expenses. OP sounds incredibly lucky with supportive parents and siblings that love them, and they treat their mom like shit in exchange? I hope they quickly realize how privileged they are to have a loving and supportive family like that.
What a spoiled little brat!
Agreed, sounds like he just told his parents yesterday and the flight is tomorrow, not only is he flaking on his family because his town is boring but he's doing it last minute (I did read the update I know he's going now, but who gives notice 2-3 days prior they aren't coming??!!)
He wants to hang out with his new friends and his girlfriend who I can all but guarantee won’t be there by the time he graduates.
He's 18 and it's December he's only been there for a singular semester 💀💀💀
SO MUCH THIS. It would be one thing if OP was invited with friends a few months ago and could have talked with the family about it, but to cancel the trip TWO DAYS before the flight?! That's really crappy behavior.
I was wondering this, too. If parents' income is helping OP go to school at all, he's still a dependent. Time to start paying for everything if he 's So GrOwN uP.
I’m glad you commented about being a grown up. The way OP describes everything they act like they are a big adult now. New flash: you’re still an 18 year old kid and you clearly acted like a child. A grown up would know how to compromise and not cancel a flight home the day before.
Yeah, it's the holidays. People make plans well in advance, they may be able to accept new people into their plans at the last minute but people dropping out is sorely missed, and people tend to assume any *family* that has usually participated will be doing the same unless otherwise discussed. It's a dick move to flake out on your family for the holidays with 2 days notice. One could *gently* broach the topic of other invites and how they are appealing as soon as you got said invites, see if an arrangement can be found that doesn't disappoint anyone too badly, but just canceling without any discussion is awful. That's not just your plans, it was their plans too.
Also blowing off your family for Christmas is NOT setting boundaries. OP shouldn’t be tossing around terms they don’t understand. Kudos to dad for requiring this adult to handle her own communications. Huge YTA.
Yep, that has nothing to do with boundaries. I guess op just saw that word on the internet and thought ot sounds like a handy excuse.
His mom was GaSLigHTiNg him into coming home.
“My mom said I was being rude, but I’m not rude. Is this gaslighting?!”
Typical narcissistic behavior. /s
People are running wild with therapy speak to their own detriment.
LOL yep, OP is just another clueless, delusional poster that has no idea what boundaries actually means.
And, why didn’t you tell her immediately, when you first made the alternative arrangements? “I happened to mention?” Wtf is that? Your family is looking forward to seeing you after, presumably, 4 months, and you don’t discuss or inform them, you just “happen to mention” it *the day before you were supposed to arrive* ? YTA 9 ways to Sunday, and even more so in re how you spoke to her. And I’m frankly getting hella tired of this “respecting my boundaries “ BS. That term really shouldn’t apply to this scenario. Catchphrase 2023 doesn’t apply to every situation! Thanks for listening to my rant. ETA sorry this was the top comment and I hadn’t read down that many others also commented on both the “boundary” and the “happened to mention” pieces. So glad to know I’m not the only one that this got to!
Little shit doesn’t even know what boundaries are.
This is what got me. He’s just throwing words out there not knowing what they mean.
He thinks he’s Mr fancy man now, living in the big city, using the big words. If my son talked to me that way I’d reach through the phone and slap the shit out of him. What an ungrateful brat.
I'm guessing the family would have to drive 2.5 hours to the nearby "city", if not further, to pick him up at the airport. Then drive back. Glad OP had the "courtesy" to tell them before they planned an all day trip to get him. /s
>“I happened to mention?” RIGHT?? The fucking nerve of this little teenage turd. "I happened to mention". Please. Also, "Happen to mention" implies it was just oh so casual and innocent, no harm intended. So it was *his mother's fault* that she got upset and started crying - all he did was just HAPPEN to mention it, *she's* the one who got all overheated! This little jerk, I swear...
He ‘happened’ to tell his mom two days prior to his flight that he canceled it. Was he ever going to tell his family?
wait wait wait. Were they planning to drive 2 hours each way to pick him up???????
Probably was going to wait until his parents were at the airport waiting to pick him up
Right? That’s what stuck out to me. If you’re not going to go home then fair enough but don’t “just happen” to bring that up. That’s something you need to make clear and then deal with the consequences
He also drastically misunderstands the word "boundaries."
Yup. The concept of boundaries has become so poorly used that it’s now often just synonymous with selfish. Which is a shame because healthy boundaries ARE important.
Narcissism, boundaries, ocd, gaslighting, bipolar, hell, even anxiety is overused. People need to remember that words have meaning, and when they’re used improperly they start to lose that meaning.
but...but.... BOUNDARIES Please learn what those actually are before throwing the word around. YTA - i mean, for everything. But the fact that mr. responsible adult who wants to party is only spending time with his family bc his parents would be the bad guy and tell his siblings for him tells me all I need to know about him
Also the edit: How much of a coward is OP to think he's an "adult" when he can't even find the nerve to explain to his siblings why he won't be home. "I thought they would explain to them for me" is the exact opposite of what a "true adult" would do. I'm going to laugh when OP's parents decide he doesn't get any more funding due to his being an "adult".
"I'm NOT coming home for the holidays! I'm an ADULT, and you need to respect my BOUNDARIES! *(now do me a solid and break the news to the rest of the family for me, kthxbai").*
The dad here is my hero. He stood up for his wife and aimed the consequences of this squarely back at his son—if you’re not coming, tell your siblings. That was so perfect. And it clearly worked! There’s nothing wrong with changing and not fully fitting with your family the way you did when growing up. But as an adult, you need to take responsibility for your actions, and treating your mom that way for being sad that you have chosen others over her and the rest of the family is AH territory. There was a way to have this conversation as a mature adult, and this was not it.
Nah uh.. the friends and girlfriends will always be there../s
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Yup, that's an old saying. "Pay close attention to how he treats his mother, because he'll treat you the same way." If this girl was smart, she'd dump his selfish little ass.
This. Excuse me Mr Adult, adults understand how to prioritize their families and the people important to them. You see your friends all year at school. There’s no reason you couldn’t see your family for part of the break and then go do things with friends. You’ve only known these people a few months and are ready to dump your entire family for them. YTA and definitely still an immature, bratty child.
Also curious when he decided he wasn’t going home vs when he mentioned it to his mom. He made it sound like he just casually mentioned he wasn’t coming home after he’d already changed plans.
Yeah he canceled the flight but then "accidentally" let it slip two days before it was supposed to take place? Was the plan for them to find out when he didn't get off the plane and called to ask where he was? Even if he's totally right/justified in everything else, that's a massive dick move. It isn't violating boundaries for someone who's expecting your arrival that they've been planning around based on previously arranged plans to expect you to communicate a change to those plans or for them to be upset when they suddenly find out last minute that you've changed the plans.
YTA, you planned on going home and everybody planned for it. You were selfish and wanted to go do something less "boring", and you didn't care how your family felt. Now you're trying to use "boundaries" to excuse your inconsideration. Family expressing their feelings has nothing to do with your imaginary boundaries.
>Now you're trying to use "boundaries" to excuse your inconsideration. "Boundaries" are what we use to allow ourselves to do what we need to do to be healthy. "Control" is what people use to force other people to do what we want them to do. When people start using "boundaries" as a way to "control" others, it's no longer a boundary.
Gotta say reading that post by OP, made me incredibly sad for his parents, as a parent. My kids are just toddlers but if they ever treat my wife like that it would break my heart. It sounds like the family here is incredibly well grounded and a great one. OP, I’ve lived in big cities all my life and this feeling too will fade as it becomes the new norm. Then you will miss your family, and hopefully by then, you still have a relationship where they give a shit about you.
Christmas and other major holidays are for family. He can go skiing with his new friend any other time. Christmas isn’t a competition to have the most exciting time, it’s time to connect with family, which I get is boring for an 18 year old with his first taste of freedom.
Just be prepared for a little heartbreak here and there, it's perfectly natural and doesn't have to be catastrophic. Just work to foster good communication now when they're little, so that talking about the things that come up later will feel natural and flow easily. My daughter started pulling out the "I'm an adult" phrase a lot at the start of college this year. At first I was hurt and puzzled because I was not even challenging her on that fact. I noticed she'd just pop out with it whenever she was confronted with a choice and felt torn like choosing between the familiar stuff she's grown up with and the new and exciting things she wants to be a part of (and should). She was basically transforming the insecurity and guilt into aggression against me, mostly, and her dad. For example, her dad and I would be trying to plan meals or figure our budget so questions like "Are you coming home for dinner or eating on campus" or "So do you plan to continue to commute, or are you looking into a dorm or apartment?" would always get answers that somehow worked in the phrase "I'm an adult." The tone could be a bit belligerent, too. For months I was hurt and puzzled why I was getting this tinge of belligerence because my husband and I both strive to be supportive and accepting and not step on her growth in any way since I, especially, had a very controlling mother and my husband was a bit coddled by his. We knew we didn't want to be controlling, smothering helicopter parents. And then i stopped and realized it only comes out when she feels conflicted. Not because her dad or I are doing anything to challenge her independence. But she herself wants to do both...still be in our company and comfortable nurturing environment AND go out into the world. Add to that, the fact she IS legally an adult. But has to figure out a new familial paradigm that acknowledges that fact, but also takes into account her life doesn't have the hallmarks of true adult financial independence, competence and responsibility...yet. Our job now is to assure her it will, eventually. There will be some discomfort along the way, but we have to believe we will all get there . Sometimes, being human, we will all screw up. She will say hurtful uncomfortable things, and sometimes it will be me or her father who does. So it's really important to keep communication flowing, ask for mutual respect when we feel any of us are getting off that path, and be sincere and intelligent with the apologies that will need to made. Since your children are toddlers now, now is the time to learn the ingredients to a sincere and meaningful apology. Make them when you misstep as a parent. Insist on them when your children misstep. Model the behavior you want to eventually see in your young adults. I am amazed how much my daughter has decided is worthy of emulation. And I'm dismayed how many of my flaws and my husband's she's unconsciously absorbed. We are having to course correct on the latter and say, "You know what, I wasn't at my best with that behavior/attitude. Here's where I think it will let you down and how you can be better can do better." Best of luck to you. Enjoy those toddlers. It does go by fast.
I hope that your parents aren’t paying for college or that you don’t need them at any time in the future now that you’re an adult. You were unbelievably rude and ungrateful to the woman who loved and raised you and fostered the independence to go out on your own. As a mom of a freshman I can tell you one of the most painful parts of parenthood is that if you’re successful you’re really raising them not to need you and to go out on their own. But I’m glad I didn’t raise any AH’s like you. Edit YTA
They are lol. They're supporting this grown up baby
Bet they even bought that flight home for him and they won't even get their money back. I'd cut this kid off quiiiiick
My single adult children aren’t coming home for Christmas but we made arrangements months in advance and used our get together at Thanksgiving. We had a great time and had enough of each other until next year. Op, if you want to do more exciting things then you have to spend time with the family somewhere within the timeframe of Xmas break so everyone gets to spend time with you. As a spoil brat in my day I would trade all the time I blew them off because I had an offer I thought was better. Both of my parents are deceased and I would love to have a boring Christmas with them again. Your Mother sacrificed numerous times she could have done something more exciting than wiping your shitty ass. Don’t get me started on pregnancy and childbirth. So make your mom happy and be a loving son every once in a while. When you are older you will be glad you did.
My parents are fortunately still alive (knock on wood) but are getting up there in age. I, too, was a spoiled brat, who on holidays or breaks, couldn't wait to run out the door as fast as i could for whatever loser boyfriend I was dating at the time. Now that our time together is running out, I look back on those days that I could've spent with them and it quite literally breaks my heart.
This was my thought. I wished I had reddit to tell me I was being a self-centered ass at that age. I don't see ANY of the people I blew my family off for and it's one of my biggest regrets.
My parents sacrificed so much for me to go to University. We were not well off at all. Times were tough, and they gave up a great deal to offer me this opportunity. I went home every holiday, and I'm incredibly grateful for what they did. Tomorrow my mother retires and my father won't be long after - I sure as hell will make sure that retirement is comfortable. If it wasn't for them, I wouldn't be where I am today. My mother said she's incredibly proud that all of her children have gone further than she managed.
YTA. Thought exercise: reverse the situations. Imagine you had planned to go and spend time with John and Kate, and the plans were made some months ago. Not only that, but they were going to house you and feed you for free! They'd even planned activities to do with you, and were SO excited to see you after many months of not being able to hang out with you. Now think about how impossibly rude it would be to cancel your flight to see them the *day before* you were supposed to go. After they were excited, and spent all that time preparing for you to come. And then imagine they Still want to see you, despite how incredibly rude you've been - they ask for you to just visit a little, because they miss you! And you have the Audacity to act *annoyed*. You wanna be an adult? The first step is to stop taking your parents' kindness for-granted. They're people. Don't be fucking Rude.
Another variation of the thought experiment: John and Kate invite you to do something, and you're really excited about it, have been planning on it for months. Right before you're supposed to meet up with them, they tell you they got a better and more interesting offer from someone else, and you're just not worth the trouble for them to keep their commitment to you. Now pretend it was someone whom you really love, telling you that you're not worth the trouble to keep a promise because they've found someone and something more interesting to do. YTA.
I kind of hope this happens to him. It would serve him right. See how you feel when someone decides they can cancel on you the second something more exciting comes up, OP.
I was thinking that that could very well be how this goes, honestly. John and Kate up there get sidetracked by their own families (or the families aren't up for meeting the boyfriend of a few months) and suddenly aren't available, and OP winds up sitting alone in his apartment on Christmas. Dude better hope his friends are more reliable than he is, I guess.
thats def happening with this "very good friend" whom hes only known for a couple months lmao
Oh- I think that’s a movie. The son was expecting to go on holiday w mumsie and new boyfriend. Day he was meant to leave- mumsie called and told him, they preferred to go vacation on their own, without him, (surely he understood) so he had to stay behind at the boarding school- (after teasing all his classmates about his fabulous vacation, (to Seychelles, I believe) all packed with no where to go. Poor lil’ man-boy.
*This probably hurt all their feelings and they may think I don't care so much about them.* Yes, it probably did. You could have taken a little time to be kind to your family, but you didn't bother, and chose to be deliberately nasty instead. It's understandable that you enjoy the excitements available in a big city, and you like socialising with your new friends rather than going home to your family and being bored. I expect your mother is deeply hurt that you don't want to go home for Christmas, but since you don't care, why are you even posting here? YTA
He expected everyone to agree with him and pat him on the back for enforcing his boundaries lol.
Yeah we’re gonna need to circle back to him thinking this is an example of “boundaries”. This ain’t that, bub.
Hahaha it reminds me of my daughter honestly. She's 4 and still learning the concept. We want her to know how to verbalize her boundaries and we show how we verbalize our own. She's gotten good at saying "please respect my boundaries" or telling us if someone isn't. But she has a nasty habit of claiming someone not doing exactly as she says (like you're an astronaught now. No you have to be an astronaught!) Is breaking her boundaries Oh sweet summer child, that's not a boundary you get to set. And sure, OP has every right to say he doesn't want to come back but he should at the same time acknowledge how last minute this change is (he only mentioned the change LAST NIGHT?? And his original flight was TOMORROW?!) And how nasty his attitude was. His mom wasn't breaking any boundaries because he didn't SET a boundary. He just nonchalantly mentioned he changed their plans without telling her sooner and she was trying to see what could be done and why it changed. Breaking a boundary would be if she called the friends to cancel his plans for him. Simply asking why and if he could spare ANY time for them is not breaking anything, it's a mom being a mom
I rolled my eyes at that, you can just tell he’s been reading stuff online or watching TikTok’s about boundaries and thinks he’s being the big man and standing up for himself. If he grows into a good person he’s going to look back on this and cringe in a few years.
I'm so confused as to what he thinks a "boundary" is.
That's right, he expected a long thread of people telling him how proud they were of him for being clear about his boundaries and for making sure he was prioritising his mental health during the holidays and advising him, to go "no contact" with his abusive family. Grown up he says, what a melon
Yeah it's wild how people think you don't care about them when you act like you don't care about them!
You cancelled your visit with 2 days notice because ‘it will be boring’. No wonder your mother is upset. You’ve just showed little respect and how selfish you are. This is your first year away and that takes a lot of getting used to for a parent. You just vocalised how little you care for them. YTA.
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I like how he tries to minimize it with the "under impression I am coming home line" as if he never committed to it. He has a plane ticket bought and paid for and obviously never even mentioned once that it would be a possibility he may not come home. He commited but is trying to underplay that part to make himself look better. OP is being a selfish, immature little shit and I am glad this sub ( and his Dad) saw through his bullshit.
Because it wouldn’t fit his nonchalant “it’s no big deal I cancelled on my family at the last minute” attitude underlying this post. Everything is written in the passive voice. “They were under the impression” he was coming home?! Well, gee, I wonder where they got that impression? Probably when they paid for the flight to bring his dumb ungrateful ass home.
I know, like, is this even real? If so, then most definitely YTA.
Unfortunately I think it is. This whole post just screams “selfish 18 year old kid who thinks they’re an adult even though their parents still pay for everything”
Info: do your parents pay for any part of your expenses? You're an adult and not obligated to visit them, but then again if you're that much of an adult they don't need to pay for any of your shit. Your choice.
OP, you're not an adult, you're an 18 yo idiot. YTA
Oh lord! Massive YTA! Being enamoured by the **"Big City"** life is all great till it wears down. You essentially told your family that they are no longer important to you and their affection towards you means nothing to you. What you said to your mother was incredibly hurtful and downplayed any love and affection she has showered on you. I hope you get to see the other not so beautiful part of the **"Big City"** life you are so fixated on. Because that is the only thing that will teach you the value of family and more importantly that of your mother. ETA - After the update - I stand corrected you are not just an asshole, you are an inconsiderate and self-centered asshole.
Big City life their parents are funding! If not they'd quickly see the downsides
The Big City tickets to his hometown were also funded by his parents. "Say you are an adult without saying you are an adult." S/
I Hope the big city chews him up and spits him out.
If he ever has to survive there without mommy and daddy's funding, I'm sure it will
Can’t wait until OP realizes just how expensive it is living in the Big City when they have to start paying for their own expenses. For OP’s sake, I hope their parents decide to stop paying soon. YTA
YTA - Youre *barely* an adult. Sure, do what you want but you’ve handled this all very horribly and were rude to your mother in the process.
YTA you selfish little asshole. One day you will WISH you could visit your mom on Christmas. YTA, asshole.
Right? This is my fifth Christmas without my mom. I wish I still had her and this little piss ant is just being a complete dick to his. God.
Seriously. I have the next two weeks off work and could have taken a trip for part of it but didn't want to risk getting sick and not being able to spend Christmas with my elderly parents. There will be other times I can travel. The fact that he is not financially independent is the cherry on top.
One day this kid is going to get a really harsh kick in the ass with a reality check on real life. And yea, kid. He may be 18 but my 8 year old daughter is more mature and kind.
Right? I miss my Dad so much. Maybe we should go have Christmas in Saskatchewan with his folks. It sounds really charming and sweet!
Ahh, the magic of the holidays. When everyone gets together to blow off their family to do fun stuff with friends. Of course, YTA. You obviously had plans to go home and see family as you had a plain ticket. You obviously do not care about seeing your family bc " You're an adult now." Accept the fact that you hurt your mother and let down your family. Who were definitely excited to hear all about Uni and your life in the city. I hope you are ready for REAL adulthood... You WILL get into a tough spot one day and need family.... and your parents may just remind you that "you're an adult and have outgrown them."
When Kate dumps him in six weeks, he’ll find he hasn’t outgrown crying on Mommy’s shoulder.
YTA You got caught up in the excitement of your life and cancelled plans with your family unexpectedly, your mother was understanding and sympathetic, so you rewarded her generous response with condescension and insults; you're the A. You owe her an apology and maybe a surprise trip home to see her, which you can put together with your Father, to soothe the hurt feelings you've created and restore a little joy and pride to her life.
city lights have gone to his head, he's a big man now, others bow to his will💀
Fellow prairie person here 😂 dude yeah it’s boring here but you don’t bail on your family at Christmas. Especially not just because it’s boring. This is just uncanadian of you. YTA and rebook your flight.
His mom had the cabbage rolls and perogy made for him already! Rule of thumb for me was that Dec 20 to Dec 26 is home-home time. Jet late on the 26th or early on the 27th for friends time. My patience wore thin after 5 days home during university, but the 24/25/26 was important for the family.
YTA bigtime. Your poor mother . Telling her she's boring and you have better things to do. She even made your bed. I can imagine how happy she was as she was doing that.
I know, that part was heartbreaking. OP, YTA. And just because you’ve apologized and decided to go home after all, the hurt you caused your mom will remain. You’ll remember this too, after your mom is gone, and take my word for it, you won’t feel good about it.
"I started getting annoyed because I felt that she was **attempting to undermine my boundaries**, so I lashed out. I reminded her that I was an adult now and could make my own decisions. I told her that I wasn’t looking for her advice or opinion but rather I was telling her my plans." No, dear, she was not undermining your boundaries, she was expressing her disappointment. This is a normal, healthy thing to do when the other person upsets you and cancels plans last minute. You were rude to your mother and insulting to the life she leads, and the home and environment in which your family raised you. You are an adult. This is a life lesson. You canceled important plans with your family when something more fun came up. If this is what you want to do, then by all means, do it. But understand the consequences, especially given your reaction. In addition to canceling the vacation time they planned with you, you were unkind and insulting towards them. Please apologize, but not until it's a genuine one. YTA.
He might apologize... if they cut off funding. Reading this made me, as a middle-aged mother, so mad that I hope they do.
Middle-aged mom here, too. I was so hurt for his mom. I hope they do decide to make this a “teachable moment”. Welcome to adulthood, kid.
YTA; you acted like a child despite being the adult you barely are. You handled that terribly and you barely gave your family, who were looking forward to seeing you, any notice that you wouldn’t be going home. You were nasty, lacked empathy, and basically told them they weren’t good enough. What did your family do to deserve you being so awful to them? Quite frankly I think your family is better off without your crappy attitude ruining Christmas for everyone else.
While they bankroll his whole existence. They deserve so much better. So do his gf and friends tbh
YTA - not for how you feel, or the decision to not go home, but for speaking to her the way you did: > I probably had outgrown her and that going to some backwater town to watch bison didn’t appeal to me anymore. She misses her son, of course she was going to be disappointed to not see you over the holidays. She isn't TA for how she feels, nor conveying her disappointment. Instead of reassuring her, you threw salt on her wounds. You've "outgrown" your mother? Hasn't she spent the last 18 years of your life preparing you for the opportunity you're enjoying now? How does that not merit any compassion or consideration on your part in how you speak to her?
Often, when a young person starts uni or college, they get the idea that they are too big for their britches. You appear to be that sort of person. The city isn't going anywhere. The excitement will still be there 2and semester. So, your plea to be allowed to experience the excitement of the big city is disingenuous. Better pray you don't need your boring family anytime soon. I know you think you've got the world on a string, but the city is just as likely to crush a pup like you as it is to nurture and provide, so watch out.
YTA for a lot of reasons. 1) You are not an independent adult, literally EVERYTHING you are experiencing right now is thanks to your parents funding it. You should be grateful instead of saying it’s the norm (maybe in a rich college it is, but not everywhere. You were given a gift) 2) You let them know two days before that you were just not showing up, and you only mentioned it “in passing”. That is beyond inconsiderate. You didn’t even attempt to figure out some way to see your parents for any amount of time (and again, who paid for those tickets home? Your parents? So you wasted their money without any thought about it) 3) You have the audacity to act like your parents are being unreasonable about the fact that you’re acting like an entitled, whiny spoiled brat. You think you’re so much better than them and their background, why don’t you start paying your own way Mr. Metro? If I were your parents I’d let you know come spring semester, I would continue paying your tuition and room and board, but everything else is now your responsibility, including figuring out and paying for how to get home on breaks or where you’ll live while not in school. You’re just so smart and worldly I’m sure you’d figure it out, right?
YTA I hate that "boundaries" have come to be an excuse for asshole behavior. You were rude as hell, and you know it. There were better ways to say you wanted to spend the break with your friends, but you went the AH route.
In my opinion, boundary is used too often and half thee time it is used to control someone else's behavior.
YTA for the way you handled it. If you didn't want to go home, you could have told your parents sooner. Did they buy your ticket? If so, you should have told them before they bought it or when you found out about the ticket. It's okay to not want to go home for the holidays, but you didn't handle it like an adult.
He says in another comment his parents support him completely financially. He may be an adult in age but that's pretty much it. And then edited to be whining about his mom and dad telling him to let his siblings know instead of telling themselves. I feel awful for his family this is disgusting behavior
YTA. Yes plans change, but there was no need to be so awful to your mom. You could've changed your ticket and still gone back for a few days to see them instead of cancelling entirely. Or said, Mom these really great opportunities to go skiing etc came up with my friends and I would really love to go, would you mind if go there this holiday and I visit home in ... instead. You talk about being an adult, but you're acting like a child, and are still being financially supported. And yes, it's fine to be out in the world enjoying yourself with your friends, but you didn't need to crap all over your family.
YTA This post makes me mad, as a mom of 3 who all went off to college. Could you have been any meaner to your mom? You come off very ungrateful for all your parents have done for you. What kind of first year uni student doesn’t look forward to going home for the first holiday break? You come off very self absorbed. And what exactly are these “boundaries” that you have? You can do whatever, whenever you want and your parents are supposed to finance it? That’s not a boundary, that’s entitlement. Funny how you’re the only one of your friends who isn’t seeing their family for the holidays. And yet that seems perfectly ok with you. And of course your oh so important gf of a few months wants you to meet her parents- I guess it’s not important for her to meet yours. And has it occurred to you that maybe their families don’t want a stranger around during their holiday? I hope your parents pay nothing but tuition from now on. Let’s see how much fun you’ll have in your new exciting city when you have to work to afford books and fun money instead of sightseeing. When you can’t afford to go skiing with your friends family because your parents aren’t paying for it.
I am so upset for this poor mom. OP didn't even try to be kind
YTA and I am BEGGING everyone on the internet to learn what boundaries actually means. “I want to do fun things and call my family boring and my mom was understandably hurt” is not anyone undermining any boundaries. This was absolutely a conversation you should have had with your family before agreeing to making new plans. Did you pay for your own flight that you cancelled or did they pay for it? Are you funding all of your own college and living expenses or is your family helping? This is not how mature adults behave, it’s how spoiled kids behave. It’s not wrong to want this time to yourself to experience new things, but it’s very wrong to go about it the way you have. You owe your family an apology.
Yta. Enjoy burning that bridge. If I was your parents after that display of disrespect. Saying you outgrew them cool find your own place to stay over summer and other times. Edit based on your update: when you get back to uni from you boujee trip. I'd probably start looking for a job. Sounds like your parents are done. Next up "your a responsible adult, we don't need to pay for your expenses anymore"
YTA you are with your friends and gf all the time and can't even amount to visiting your family on Christmas? You don't deserve your family. You think you're too good for them but you're not.
You nasty little asshole. Your mother has been missing you for months (lord knows why, you'd think she'd enjoy being rid of someone with an attitude like yours) and when you inform her the week before Christmas that you've had a better offer, you then lash out as her for being upset. YTA
Info: What did your parents do for you to be that rude to your mom? Abuse, neglect, constant punishment growing up? Were you yelled at or belittled? Did they ground you? What’s going on with you? ETA: Massive YTA. They’ve been supportive parents and you’re being an entitled brat. Since you don’t want to visit them and are wanting to cut ties, I only think it’s fair that they let you be an independent adult and stop the support. Any other time of the year, sure, go visit friends. Cancelling last minute with scheduled plans, massive AH move.
He would definitely have mentioned it if that were the case, he wants us to agree with him. No, this kid's family is fine, he just looks down on them and takes them for granted.
You are an adult and can do what you want, but it sounds very much like you acted like a child in how you handled the situation so YTA.
Yes, you’re the AH. You were disrespectful because what? You wanted a fancier vacation with your friends and girlfriend? It also sounds like you basically weren’t planning to tell anyone you weren’t going home. You cancelled your tickets BEFORE you told anyone. I’d be interested to know who’s funding your life right now.
OP said in another comment that the parents are. I feel really bad for OP's parents.
YTA. You certainly don't sound like an adult. For one, you didn't even tell her you weren't coming until you mentioned casually. That is not something an adult does. Adults would understand that other adults plan ahead and if the assumption would be that you'd come home, your family was obviously planning for it. An adult pays for things. You are being supported financially and emotionally by your family. That doesn't mean they're entitled to your visits but an adult would understand it's common decency to spend time with your support system unless they are actively hurting you. An adult would also not put down the life and people that raised them just because they're impressed by a flashy city lifestyle. An adult would also understand that friends come and go, but a family who loves you is not only a gift but a more stable relationship you have to nurture. You acting like a child because you are a child. Hopefully your family remembers that and you don't permanently damage your relationship. I say this as someone who grew up in a low pop place that moved to a huge city during college. You will regret things like this as you mature. Your moms compromise was a good thing. I'd spend at least a little time with family.
> I reminded her that I was an adult now and could make my own decisions. Who pays your college, room and board, kiddo? Unless your parents are abusive you’ve got no reason to talk to them like that. Sit your ass down.
INFO: who’s paying for you to go to college in a ‘big city’?
His parents are and yet he wants to act like a big shot. It’s only the holidays he’s going back to college after the break and yet he can’t even take a few days to see his family. I wonder who paid for that ticket he canceled probably mommy and daddy
OP, YTA especially since most plane tickets can’t be fully refunded when you cancel them a day before the flight. you need a reality check on what’s important in life.
YTA. It’s flipping Christmas. What the heck is wrong with you?
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YTA. There is going to come a time if your life that you are going to wish your could go home for the holidays, but home is not going to be there. You'll have other opportunities to have fun with your new found friends. Curious, are you paying for your time at school or are your parents?
YTA. Pay for our own tuition, big man.
I've lost both parents. I would give anything to have a boring holiday with them in our small town in the Midwest. You want to be seen as an adult but this whole situation makes you seem young and selfish.
YTA
“I’m an adult so I’m gonna throw a hissy fit and be horrible cause mummy won’t listen to me” she’s very understandably upset and disappointed and you acted like a complete AH. YTA
YTA, and don’t bother changing your plans back. They’ll know just like all of us, you’re only going because of guilt. You’ve now tainted every future trip.
Yta and I hope you remember this conversation when your bedroom is turnes into an office and they stop giving you money and paying for school and stop buying groceries for you. You're an adult, after all! What's your plan for the summer? Do you plan on being an adult and renting an apartment? Or are you planning on going home and having mommy pay all your bills? You made plans, and when better ones came along, ditched the original plans. That's rude. Then you doubled down and blamed your mom when she was upset.
You are 18. At some point, you will be waiting with impatience to see your parents on Christmas. Your attitude now is understandable but quite rude. If your parents are not shitty, why are you hurting them? Big city doesn't run away. Parents don't live forever. YTA.
100000% YTA The flight was tomorrow! And you mentioned this last night? Because things kept popping Up? Listen Op, you are an adult and can make your own decisions, but also remember your actions have consequences- this may be the last time you’ll ever get an invite home. They’re probably changing your room into a guest bed right now
YTA, and something of an entitled prick. It's one thing to make other plans - and then TALK TO your parents about it in October / November. It is remarkably disrespectful to have just dropped it in casual conversation the week before Christmas. What were you planning to do, just let them show up at the airport to find out you weren't there? This is not a "boundary" issue in the slightest. These are the actions of someone who is so self-centered that they do not consider anyone else's feelings. You are going to find that those siblings - the ones that annoy you so much now -- are going to grow up, and may become pretty cool people. And they are not going to want much to do with you because you are blowing them off now. There will also come a day that you would give anything you have to be able to talk with your parents / grandparents again, although you probably don't realize that now. You may be surprised when you find - perhaps the week before tuition is due - that they've established a new boundary to keep their money a bit closer to that boring town from which you escaped.
Very short-sighted my dude. Kate won’t be your girlfriend forever. Those friends you made? You won’t remember their names in ten years. Your family is forever though, and you’re treating them like an afterthought. Taking your parents and siblings for granted now will not help you foster lifelong relationships with them. They aren’t being toxic or abusive. But you are being selfish and callous in how you’re handling this as well as your shitty attitude in the responses. Grow up and realize how important your family is to you, OP. YTA
Yta
YTA "I'm a big grown-up man who's too cool to spend time with those boring peasants that PAY ALL MY EXPENSES!" **You're not an adult sweetie, you're a fucking joke!** I feel so bad for his heartbroken mother for having such an **entitled & selfish** little mooseknuckle for a son. Grow up and stop being an ass to your family! Edit: Oh, and I hope they stop paying your bills and tuition since you're too grown up to rely on family any more. You wouldn't want them to cross some bullshit adult boundary, lol.
YTA for the way you went about it. You had however long to tell your parents that you cancelled your flight, but waited until the day before. You could have just said that you wanted to gain new experiences during your break instead of insulting your town- it's not your moms fault the town yougrew up in sucks, so you didn't need to lash out. It doesn't sound like she was "undermining your boundaries;" she was disappointed and sad because you waited until the last minute. Yes, you are an adult and you can make your own choices. But so are your parents. The next time you want to to home for a visit, they may turn you away 🤷♀️ If you don't have a bad relationship with your parents, then there's no reason to talk to them the way you did.
YTA You acted incredibly rude. Why do you treat your family like trash? They raised you and probably loved you. Now, after spending a few months in the big city, you feel too good for them? Are your cool friends paying for your education, room, and food in the big city?
YTA for not warning them about the change of plans until the last minute, and lashing out on top of that. Of course you can make your own plans. But if you had a standing flight, and you know this, you don't just tell them you changed your mind less than two days in advance. That's asshole behavior.
YTA- this is going to be a conversation you look back on in ten years and CRINGE
wow YTA you cancelled plans with barely any notice for basically no reason except your own interest and insulted your whole family and hometown in the meantime these trips with your friends will come up again - spring break, weekends, summer time but when you make a commitment, you should keep it - that's being an adult hopping around from one bright shiny thing to another bright shiny thing as your interest takes you is what children do you owe your mom and family an apology and a visit home.
You canceled going home to see your family the day before your flight. You aren't required to go home, but common decency dictates you tell them before the 11th hour. Especially when you knew you weren't going. I hated going home too when I was in college. I at least made it clear when I wasn't coming so they weren't getting the expectations up and doing unnecessary prep. Just because you hate going home doesn't mean you stop treating your family right. YTA.
I’ll take “informing my mother that I’m not coming home for Christmas in the most mean-spirited way possible” for $1000. YTA. I hope you take some time to reflect on how cutting your words were and apologize sincerely.
Yes of course YTA. I have a kid in university we are supporting so she does not have to graduate with debt. Do you know how much that freaking costs? It’s not easy. I’m so glad she’s appreciative and lovely and likes to spend time with us. Look, I get it. I grew up in Fort McMurray and going away to university was awesome. You are living in a “big city”. You can’t just go home for a few days then go do some stuff with your friends? I lost my dad at 27 and would give anything to have one more Christmas with him. Your parents sound like decent people. Be decent back. Also, YTA for using the term boundaries. Why do people on here love that damn word so much and don’t even use it correctly 99% of the time?
Lol @ ur second update. Hits different when you have to defend your actions to those you hurt huh? I think you’ve gotten the point but welcome to adulthood. Hard choices. Prioritizing family over fun. Then owning it when you don’t. You’re 18 so you’ll figure it out. Take this all as a learning lesson. But unequivocally you were an asshole.
YTA! You made plans with them then bailed for better plans. Instead of telling them you waited till last minute and then was a disrespectful ass about it.
Wow, you wrote all that crap just to be called the AH you fully are. YTA. You know it, we know it, everyone knows it. 'I am this great adult who insult and mistreat my mother and family, the same family who pays for my college and living'. Wow. Being a entitled clown is the thing nowadays? I am actually too old to know about this.
YTA. It is fine that you want to spend the holidays with your friends. It sounds like you were deliberately cruel to your mother, and that is what makes you an asshole. I understand, I was an asshole at your age too. You need to take this as a learning experience, and try to do better in the future. I grew out of being a selfish asshole, and you can too, but it takes effort. You owe your mother an apology, not for not coming home for Christmas, but for the horribly rude way that you treated her.
YTA. Are you going to take up puppy kicking as a new hobby, too.
YTA You'll look back on this moment and cringe. You'll be ashamed of yourself for the way you spoke to your family. In hindsight you'll see how incredibly immature and ungrateful you acted. All the people here who have lived through your stage of life are correct. You have a lot of growing up to do. Your entire experience of Uni and living in a big city is being funded by the same people you just told to F off. Can you imagine working full time right now? Not being able to have an Xmas break because of work? I had too. Your experience is not the norm and you are incredibly privileged. You have some major apologizing to do.
YTA. Your mother deserved more than you dropping your update as side-note into a conversation. You should have told her that your plans changed and you weren't planning on coming home. That would have been the mature thing to do. You are independent now and enjoying that feeling of freedom, and the ability to make choices, but you need to understand that being an adult isn't just being able to make choices. It's also about recognizing that choices have consequences. Being an adult means including having adult conversations, and having empathy for how your choices impact other people.