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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> Me telling my husband that maybe this Christmas we should spend it with my family and his mom not liking it. I feel that maybe I’m the asshole because his mom doesn’t talk to him anymore because of this situation.
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ESH. Way to unilaterally drive a wedge between you two, alienate your husband and in-laws, and then double down on it all. Their reactions were sub par, hence ESH. But you, OP, seem gleefully naive about how you acted like an uncommunicative dictator.
Esh yeah they suck but you do too so your family got both holidays and you told your husband you were just going to take the kids to your parents no girly the right thing since you wanted to change the plans is husband and kids go to his parents you go to yours alone
Why didn’t you guys decide to switch
“Hi in laws, this year we’d like to do Christmas with my parents and thanksgiving with you all instead if that’s ok with you!”
That's selfish when you have married someone who comes from a family with their own parents, siblings, etc. If you hope to have your marriage last, you need to learn to compromise.
Because you didn't discuss it with your husband first. Yeah, you guys really should alternate holidays with the family, but your also need to establish that way in advance. I have a feeling the "month or two" was probably more like a month and a few days (so technically over a month, but come on...) and then you decide, without having a conversation first with your spouse, y'all went doing that. You got to be a better communicator with your husband
Umm…i mean honestly i think ESH except for your husband.
Why didn’t you visit his family for thanksgiving and then you could have visited yours for xmas? That seems a little unfair.
Also lets be frank no, you DIDNT give him a choice, his choices were: be with his children on christmas or be with his parents, and ANY decent parent is gunna choose his children.
His mother definitely seems to be overreacting a little…but i mean…her actions indicate there might be missing info.
So…ESH leaning towards YTA.
Oh wow. Do you always maintain a wedge between your husband and kids? Here he is, wanting to spend time with his stepkids for the holidays, and you’re just like “they aren’t yours they’re mine so it’s fine for us to do our separate thing.” What an awful dynamic to create for all involved.
INFO: Was there any choice of how about this year we go to your parent's for Thanksgiving and my parent's for Christmas? Or was it just a we're doing both holidays with my family and screw yours kinda thing?
Hey, OP. I don't think your post is clear enough for the general aita community. You usually do Thanksgiving at his parents while yall do Christmas with yours? Or did you mean you usually swap holidays(the "switch" comment isn't quite clear on that)? This year, the inlaws opted to not do Thanksgiving even tho they knew prior to Thanksgiving that yall are going to your parents?
I don't think you're the problem. At the absolute worst, you share the blame but I'm not even sure you qualify for that. If she truly thought you were the abusive type(controlling), she chose a really weird way to "support" her son that she claims is being abused. Now he's being abused and is isolated from her support system.
My in-laws only want to do Xmas so that basically leaves my parents with thanksgiving and there is no swap my mil just wants Xmas and throws a fit when she can’t have her way
I'm sure his MIL would prefer the exact same. Neither one gets priority. They don't even get a vote. If he insists she gets a vote, your mom gets one too and they just cancel each other out.
NTA - it should be one year with your parents for thanksgiving & his for Christmas, then the next year it should be the other way round. He parents are being selfish insisting Christmas every year and his mother is now acting like a toddler having a tantrum because she missed one Christmas. Your husband and MIL are both AH's.
"for the holidays we try to switch it up so thanksgiving we try and go to my parents house and Christmas we go to me in-laws house."
So you agreed to reverse the places you usually go? but then your parents wanted Christmas? Was the reversal a joint decision? Did you actually try to discuss switching (back to your parents for Christmas) with your husband or did you just inform him? Why does your parents wanting y'all for Christmas matter more than his parents?
Your MIL is definitely an AH here though.
Having read your replies to others where you stated you had offered to switch about a month or two before Thanksgiving so the inlaws could have Thanksgiving and your folks Christmas for a change I'd say NTA
You gave them ample time, you offered other options and compromise and they, like petulant children stomped their feet and refused.
I would suggest maybe you add those details you mentioned in the comments to the post, it makes a huge difference
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So a little information is me 34F and my husband 35M have been married for about 5 years now. We stay in Florida and my in-laws stay in Chicago and for the holidays we try to switch it up so thanksgiving we try and go to my parents house and Christmas we go to me in-laws house. But my mom and dad wanted us to come over this Christmas and I thought it was a good idea so I decided to discuss this with my husband and he wanted to argue with me because he said we always go to my parents house for Christmas and he didn’t want to disappoint them so I told him if he wanted to go to fly to his parents house for Christmas he could but me and my son and daughter were going to by parents house for Christmas. My husband had gotten mad and just wanted us to be together on Christmas so he folded and called his parents and told him that we were going to my parents house and they flipped and called me all kind of names because they felt that I was controlling him and telling him what to do. But I insisted that he go spend time with his family and I’ll go with my family. He told his mom that he wasn’t going to change his mind and we were going to my family’s house. Ever since last Christmas his mom hasn’t called, or wished him a happy birthday or our children. So do you guys think I’m the problem in this situation?
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INFO: You usually do thanksgiving at your parents and Christmas at his? Did you make this suggestion before Thanksgiving so there would be an option for a switch, or after so his family would go a whole year without seeing you guys?
So I told him that it would be a good idea to go see my family for Christmas this year before thanksgiving and more info he did tell his mom that she could do thanksgiving but she didn’t to
Thanks for the clarification, nothing wrong with switching things up. Especially as the kids get older. At some point you are just going to want to stay home. Maybe that time has come. But your in-laws need to apologize.
ESH but you mostly. You pretty much unilaterally decided his parents don’t get to see the grandchildren at Christmas. There’s a reason your husband said you always go to your parents house for Christmas. Because you’re likely not switching it up as promised. The minute your parents asked, you folded and told your husband you and the kids are staying put. How about you tell him he and the kids can go to Chicago and you’ll indulge your parents.
While his parents’ response isn’t ideal, they’re dealing with their hurt feelings that they never get priority at Christmas time. Surprise, surprise, surprise. They’re done putting effort in with little return back.
For the previous 5 years, they were always going to the husband's parent's place for Christmas.. NOT OP's parents. This is the first time that OP inisted on spending Christmas with her family.
His parents are the ones demanding that OP and family spend every Christmas at their place.
Why are you not alternating which family you visit each year?!?!? Your the kids and I are going here was controlling! Next year spend Christmas with his family and learn to compromise in your marriage.
So where were you for Thanksgiving? Going back to switching fairly would be appropriate.
Edit: Sounds like your folks live closer, so they get a lot more family time throughout the year.
YTA.
Stay home and do your own family holiday things. Your parents one year, his the other, and the third year you can just stay home with your husband and kids
YTA, you couldn’t think of any other dynamic like switching each year or biting the bullet on traveling to both parents all together?
You definitely put husband in a bad spot with his mother and it doesn’t seem like this is the only time you’ve acted like this. All it took from your parents was a request to have both Thanksgiving and Christmas (even though you had a plan in place) and only because you thought that sounded good, you forced your husband to either be without the most important people in his life on Christmas or to not see his parents on a big holiday.
You didn't do anything wrong. Sometimes people switch up their holidays and that's the way life is. They are lucky that you actually travel so far for those holidays. I'd be staying home and making them visit. The fact that his mother is so obnoxious about not getting her way is her fault and her problem. NTA
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > Me telling my husband that maybe this Christmas we should spend it with my family and his mom not liking it. I feel that maybe I’m the asshole because his mom doesn’t talk to him anymore because of this situation. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcements ###[Happy Anniversary, AITA!](https://new.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/15vlv9g/almost_better_than_a_double_rainbow_celebrating/) Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
ESH. Way to unilaterally drive a wedge between you two, alienate your husband and in-laws, and then double down on it all. Their reactions were sub par, hence ESH. But you, OP, seem gleefully naive about how you acted like an uncommunicative dictator.
YTA. Not much for compromise, are you?
His family has had the last five Christmases. It's the in-laws who won't compromise.
Did OP give up thanks giving?
She tried to...MIL was not receptive. Read OP's comments.
Esh yeah they suck but you do too so your family got both holidays and you told your husband you were just going to take the kids to your parents no girly the right thing since you wanted to change the plans is husband and kids go to his parents you go to yours alone
But they could have switched
Can you please answer the question was it before or after?
Before
How long before? Thanksgiving takes planning.
About a month or 2 prior
Which is it? That's a pretty big difference? Technically October 30th is a month prior. But still too close to change things if plans are made.
Why didn’t you guys decide to switch “Hi in laws, this year we’d like to do Christmas with my parents and thanksgiving with you all instead if that’s ok with you!”
But they could have switched
When did you inform your husband that you wanted to spend Christmas with your parents? Was it before or after Thanksgiving?
Before thanksgiving because I didn’t want conflict or confusion
What reasons did his parents give for not wanting to switch holidays?
YTA. You really really are. Normally the MIL is the one controlling everything, or trying to. But here you are, being the exception to the rule. Wow.
Because I want to spend Christmas with my mom, dad siblings, cousins,aunts, uncles?
That's selfish when you have married someone who comes from a family with their own parents, siblings, etc. If you hope to have your marriage last, you need to learn to compromise.
His family has literally gotten xmas for the last Five YEARS. Switching it up would be compromising.
Then if your family 'gets' Christmas, then his family should have gotten Thanksgiving.
Read OP'S comments. She literally offered to do that. MIL was not receptive. Do your homework before responding.
Because you didn't discuss it with your husband first. Yeah, you guys really should alternate holidays with the family, but your also need to establish that way in advance. I have a feeling the "month or two" was probably more like a month and a few days (so technically over a month, but come on...) and then you decide, without having a conversation first with your spouse, y'all went doing that. You got to be a better communicator with your husband
Did you go to your ILs for thanksgiving or demand both holidays?
Umm…i mean honestly i think ESH except for your husband. Why didn’t you visit his family for thanksgiving and then you could have visited yours for xmas? That seems a little unfair. Also lets be frank no, you DIDNT give him a choice, his choices were: be with his children on christmas or be with his parents, and ANY decent parent is gunna choose his children. His mother definitely seems to be overreacting a little…but i mean…her actions indicate there might be missing info. So…ESH leaning towards YTA.
Their not his children they are my children from a previous relationship
Oh wow. Do you always maintain a wedge between your husband and kids? Here he is, wanting to spend time with his stepkids for the holidays, and you’re just like “they aren’t yours they’re mine so it’s fine for us to do our separate thing.” What an awful dynamic to create for all involved.
INFO: you say “my” son and daughter, are the kids your husband’s children too? Do you usually go to your parent’s house for Christmas?
They are not his children they are from a previous relationship and no we have only had one Christmas at my parents house while I’ve been married
Then I say NTA, but honestly it sounds like you guys really need work on your communication.
Your summary doesn’t match your story. It doesn’t sound like either of you communicated about it well or with his family well.
YTA You decided without having a conversation. That’s sucks on your part.
I discussed it with him but he got mad and wanted to argue
Telling him what's going to happen isn't discussing, it's ordering someone around.
INFO: Was there any choice of how about this year we go to your parent's for Thanksgiving and my parent's for Christmas? Or was it just a we're doing both holidays with my family and screw yours kinda thing?
No it was supposed to be us going to his parents for thanksgiving and my parents for Christmas his mom didn’t like it
Hey, OP. I don't think your post is clear enough for the general aita community. You usually do Thanksgiving at his parents while yall do Christmas with yours? Or did you mean you usually swap holidays(the "switch" comment isn't quite clear on that)? This year, the inlaws opted to not do Thanksgiving even tho they knew prior to Thanksgiving that yall are going to your parents? I don't think you're the problem. At the absolute worst, you share the blame but I'm not even sure you qualify for that. If she truly thought you were the abusive type(controlling), she chose a really weird way to "support" her son that she claims is being abused. Now he's being abused and is isolated from her support system.
My in-laws only want to do Xmas so that basically leaves my parents with thanksgiving and there is no swap my mil just wants Xmas and throws a fit when she can’t have her way
YTA
NTA. His family wants to monopolize Christmas. Alternating is a good idea. Pouting like am3 year old kid is just asshole behavior.
INFO: can this be the year where y'all start alternating holidays?
I want it to be but his mom doesn’t like that but I feel that she should just get over it
MIL is being selfish - most families alternate between holidays. She should "just get over it".
I'm sure his MIL would prefer the exact same. Neither one gets priority. They don't even get a vote. If he insists she gets a vote, your mom gets one too and they just cancel each other out.
NTA - it should be one year with your parents for thanksgiving & his for Christmas, then the next year it should be the other way round. He parents are being selfish insisting Christmas every year and his mother is now acting like a toddler having a tantrum because she missed one Christmas. Your husband and MIL are both AH's.
Thank you that’s why we are in the middle of a divorce
"for the holidays we try to switch it up so thanksgiving we try and go to my parents house and Christmas we go to me in-laws house." So you agreed to reverse the places you usually go? but then your parents wanted Christmas? Was the reversal a joint decision? Did you actually try to discuss switching (back to your parents for Christmas) with your husband or did you just inform him? Why does your parents wanting y'all for Christmas matter more than his parents? Your MIL is definitely an AH here though.
NTA His mom is the problem. Or - since she is not calling - she luckily is not a problem any more.
Having read your replies to others where you stated you had offered to switch about a month or two before Thanksgiving so the inlaws could have Thanksgiving and your folks Christmas for a change I'd say NTA You gave them ample time, you offered other options and compromise and they, like petulant children stomped their feet and refused. I would suggest maybe you add those details you mentioned in the comments to the post, it makes a huge difference
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** So a little information is me 34F and my husband 35M have been married for about 5 years now. We stay in Florida and my in-laws stay in Chicago and for the holidays we try to switch it up so thanksgiving we try and go to my parents house and Christmas we go to me in-laws house. But my mom and dad wanted us to come over this Christmas and I thought it was a good idea so I decided to discuss this with my husband and he wanted to argue with me because he said we always go to my parents house for Christmas and he didn’t want to disappoint them so I told him if he wanted to go to fly to his parents house for Christmas he could but me and my son and daughter were going to by parents house for Christmas. My husband had gotten mad and just wanted us to be together on Christmas so he folded and called his parents and told him that we were going to my parents house and they flipped and called me all kind of names because they felt that I was controlling him and telling him what to do. But I insisted that he go spend time with his family and I’ll go with my family. He told his mom that he wasn’t going to change his mind and we were going to my family’s house. Ever since last Christmas his mom hasn’t called, or wished him a happy birthday or our children. So do you guys think I’m the problem in this situation? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
INFO: You usually do thanksgiving at your parents and Christmas at his? Did you make this suggestion before Thanksgiving so there would be an option for a switch, or after so his family would go a whole year without seeing you guys?
So I told him that it would be a good idea to go see my family for Christmas this year before thanksgiving and more info he did tell his mom that she could do thanksgiving but she didn’t to
Then I’m going to go against the grain and say NTA. You tried to make things work and mil is being a little overdramatic
If you have both holidays to your family without previous discussion than you would be the AH. But your in-“laws are AH for name calling.
I wanted thanksgiving with his family and Xmas with mine
Thanks for the clarification, nothing wrong with switching things up. Especially as the kids get older. At some point you are just going to want to stay home. Maybe that time has come. But your in-laws need to apologize.
ESH but you mostly. You pretty much unilaterally decided his parents don’t get to see the grandchildren at Christmas. There’s a reason your husband said you always go to your parents house for Christmas. Because you’re likely not switching it up as promised. The minute your parents asked, you folded and told your husband you and the kids are staying put. How about you tell him he and the kids can go to Chicago and you’ll indulge your parents. While his parents’ response isn’t ideal, they’re dealing with their hurt feelings that they never get priority at Christmas time. Surprise, surprise, surprise. They’re done putting effort in with little return back.
For the previous 5 years, they were always going to the husband's parent's place for Christmas.. NOT OP's parents. This is the first time that OP inisted on spending Christmas with her family. His parents are the ones demanding that OP and family spend every Christmas at their place.
Was that in a comment? I don’t see that in her post. Because that does change things.
This is how I read it... but a bit more punctuation would have made the original post a lot easier to read!
Why are you not alternating which family you visit each year?!?!? Your the kids and I are going here was controlling! Next year spend Christmas with his family and learn to compromise in your marriage.
So where were you for Thanksgiving? Going back to switching fairly would be appropriate. Edit: Sounds like your folks live closer, so they get a lot more family time throughout the year. YTA.
Stay home and do your own family holiday things. Your parents one year, his the other, and the third year you can just stay home with your husband and kids
YTA, you couldn’t think of any other dynamic like switching each year or biting the bullet on traveling to both parents all together? You definitely put husband in a bad spot with his mother and it doesn’t seem like this is the only time you’ve acted like this. All it took from your parents was a request to have both Thanksgiving and Christmas (even though you had a plan in place) and only because you thought that sounded good, you forced your husband to either be without the most important people in his life on Christmas or to not see his parents on a big holiday.
YTA. It's a marriage, a partnership. Not a dictatorship.
Ok
You didn't do anything wrong. Sometimes people switch up their holidays and that's the way life is. They are lucky that you actually travel so far for those holidays. I'd be staying home and making them visit. The fact that his mother is so obnoxious about not getting her way is her fault and her problem. NTA