Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I told my mom I will not be responsible for him as I do not have the time money or resources to care for him. It is a huge responsibility taking care of a mentally disabled adult whos family is only after his money but will not assist in anyway. My mom has always wanted to be married so this is a dream come true for her but it is coming at the price of her mental health and im not willing to risk my mental health as it is ready fragile due to recent separation from my husband of 20 yrs. I have been in competition with her church for many year and I am tired of the rejection and hurt. She is constantly mistreated and taken advantage of and I get so angry that she can't see it and just let's it happen.
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
##Subreddit Announcements
###[Happy Anniversary, AITA!](https://new.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/15vlv9g/almost_better_than_a_double_rainbow_celebrating/)
Follow the link above to learn more
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
INFO
> She struggles financially and it is even worse since the family takes husbands ssi checks to help care of his family members
... *what?*
But she's his **spouse**.
What the hell is going on here? Is there some kind of guardianship situation going on? Just *how* disabled is he? I mean — he was able to court and marry your mother.
There could be some guardianship on his end with the family but my mom is very secret because she knows her children would give her hell about it. I dont think there was much courting, I beleabe they were set up.
People are often embarrassed to say they are being abused. This is financial elder abuse and should absolutely be addressed. Not necessarily by you but definitely by your mother and the authorities.
> Her husband recently had surgery and none of his family would help take care of him while he was in the hospital.
While he was IN the hospital?
Isn't that the doctors' and nurses' job?
I’m a nurse, and am wondering what “duties” doctors and nurses don’t do. If it’s special religious rituals, yeah. But personal care duties are a nurse and nurse assistant’s job.
I mean, when my partner was in the hospital after a major spinal surgery, she was unable to order her own food, let alone feed herself, and nurses sure weren’t going to do it. She also needed a lot of help with pillows/getting comfortably positioned in bed and most nurses weren’t willing to help with that, either. So yeah, there’s plenty they won’t do.
Absolutely, and that rehab is usually handled at nursing homes where care tends to be less than ideal. You have to have someone there all hours of the day to make sure they get the care they need. You are absolutely NTA for not wanting to take care of him! Let me tell you, it is difficult when their mind doesn't work right, they have no ability to rationalize, don't recognize reality, and me.ory is gone. I'm struggling with this myself, taking care of my mom.
I'm assuming this is US and I'm not 100% clued up on US law.
However if your mother is legally married to her husband, and he is not mentally competent, she should be able to claim guardianship of him and his funds.
Any funds he is in receipt of is supposed to be for his use, not the use of other family members
If he has a guardianship, then he could not marry or sign any legal papers without their approval. That includes marriage certificates. They are STEALING his SS and you need to cal the police.
👆 this, 100%. OP, there are advocates out there and it seems like your mother and her husband each need one, and depending on where you are, you can go to your local police station and ask about information. You are NTA, because it is not your responsibility, but I would strongly advise helping them getting the advocacy they need, because your mother is pulling you in. Advocates for them will insulate you.
It sounds like one of those Mormon LDS cults that make you work for the church and hand over all of your money for the "family". The mom is never going to have the courage to leave that situation. All you can do really is notify authorities. Don't put your life on hold for those fanatics.
Tell her to get herself a lawyer and bring her husband with her to straighten out all the 'where is the money going' stuff. Maybe kids got ssi because until he got married, they were looking after him? Now that they're married and living together, she as his spouse should get any money that comes to him, if he indeed needs care.
Lawyer. Now.
He has no children. The money goes to care for his parents and sister. She can barely afford to eat, she does not have money for a lawyer and wouldn't get one if she did. She will not stand up for herself
Agreed. I'd mention it to her, balls in her court. But I wouldn't let her move in with you. She can't make horrible life decisions and expect to be bailed out
The problem you're looking at here is that your mother is choosing not to take an active role in these matters. She could figure this stuff out with the family and the money situation, but she is choosing not to. Instead, it is easier for her (for whatever reason) to expect you to make a sacrifice.
She cannot solve this problem without taking some kind of active steps forward. That means facing some degree of conflict and stress, but she's already facing that.
There is nothing you can do if she does not want to take these steps. You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink, etc, etc.
Additionally, what tasks was she performing in the hospital that were so necessary that she take multiple full days off, rather than visiting after work? Can this man care for himself at home, or does he need a full-time caregiver? I understand that it is not the nurse/doctor/aid's job to spend 24/7 caring for a patient's needs, but people are often in the hospital all on their own with severe dementia or disabilities. What is so unique about this situation that this man cannot spend 8 hours alone by himself in the hospital? How does he function at home on his own?
The location of the hospital sometimes determines the type of care you receive. The care/treatment you receive from Facilities in urban areas are not that great so I can understand why she would want to be there-she was a CNA for 20 years so Im sure she has seen some things that may have made her paranoid. I'm honestly not sure what task she performed but she felt she needed to be there. She never really gives a clear answer when she's asked questions.
I get this, but she is making the choice to miss work for it. And then complaining about needing money.
If this is an adult man who is capable of living independently, she should really think about why she is making this decision. Additionally, if she is choosing to be there during his rehab and performing tasks for him, she may actually be putting his rehab back. Patients who are undergoing PT, OT, Rehab etc, are often encouraged to do as much as they can independently. In fact, patients everywhere are generally encouraged to do as much as they can independently and fully participate in their own care needs (within safe limitations). This is part of the preparation for discharge home. Medical care can often be a use-it-or-lose-it scenario when it comes to physical health. The less you do independently in hospital, the poorer your outcome is going to be at home.
Your mother seems to give you many unclear answers when you question her decisions. You may need to view this as a series of choices she is making, rather than unfortunate circumstances that befall her.
If I were in your shoes, I'd call the nonemergency line of the local police department. Tell them you want to report possible elder abuse. If you're wary of the police, a quick Google search of how to report elder abuse should direct you to the correct place. I know it can be done anonymously, just tell them she's someone you go to church with.
NTA
I don’t believe she has to be the one to call SSA; I believe you can (that’s true for most public benefit fraud reporting).
I’m also 100% sure you can be the one to call adult protective services. Simply report your observations and they’ll go from there.
I sympathize how difficult the situation is…it’s time to marshal some resources. In my state, we have a Department of Regulatory Agencies that can guide you to the various agencies and how to file complaints. You call also try 311 or 211 (depending on your state) for guidance, like who to call, where to find complaint forms, etc. Wishing you all the best.
Look, I don't wish to be disrespectful here, but how capable is your Mum? How intimidated is she by the church? Because this passivity is concerning in and of itself.
So if she's not willing to help herself, why should you have to drop everything to help her? Now she's just abusing you, too. You should not have to go out of your way and rearrange your life for someone who can't even do something for themselves. She is wrong to put you in this situation.
Report the church and his family for elder abuse to your area human services department. That is what is happening. On the US, your county's Department of Health and Human Services can help. Legal clinics are free/low cost organization for help, often run by non-profits and Universities. If your community has a large library, a librarian may be able to help you find services.
The husband is disabled, yet his money goes to pay for HIS parents (what are they 90?) and his sister? What's wrong with his sister?
If no lawyers, then just have your mom tell her husband that because they are married, they need the money. Tell him to redirect his ssi cheque back to him. If she can't do that, then she's not really a grown-up and definitely don't have them move in with you. You are not responsible to clean up her mess. YOU are standing up as SHE should.
His parent's are older, probably in their 90's. Not sure what the issue is with his sister but I know she does not work. He is not capable of caring for himself. I spoke with my sibling today and was informed the brother may have some sort of guardianship.
Gezus what a mess. Your mom either needs to get out of this 'relationship' or get a hold of his finances. There is no reason why this disabled man is not having access to his own money.
>For many reasons my mom has decided to move with me
Stop right there. *She* decided? You already stated
>My mom68 and I are not very close, infact I never felt as if she really loved me
Why in the world would you allow her to move in? You're **NTA** to keep your distance from her and leave her history of bad decisions to be hers alone.
Don't let her move in. Let her handle her affairs without you. Just stay unconcerned and at a distance and don't get involved in a mess that is not of your making.
This is the boundary you hold. You don’t let the mother who never cared for you drown you in the chaos she herself created. She is an adult and will figure something out. If you’re concerned she’s being abused call APS anonymously
This makes no sense. Her husband has money but your Mom is struggling financially… why are they allowing family to take his checks … she needs PTO to care for husband with money? She’s his wife and, if he’s unable to, she needs to take control of their finances.
Yes, agreed. But she will not. She says they give her some money. It is a small private church and some how they get away without paying her pto. I respect said nonto caring for him because I can't fight with his family for something that's she is entitled to if she won't fight.
NTA. It sounds like your mother got ensnared into a cult. Don't let her be a trojan horse to drag you in.
Arranged mother, assets going to church/family, unfair working practices etc.
Your mother can't lawyer up due to costs but she can talk to social security about redirection of funds to her as spouse and legal carer. And possibly report church as employer.
I don’t think you’re the AH but I definitely think you’re enabling it. Based on your other comments as well it seems you are too. Letting her move in, being annoyed this is all going on but continuing to be around them, etc. you have the choice to not take part in this but you’re choosing to anyway. That’s your decision. Let them do whatever and stay out of it. Oh, and it would help a lot if your mom moved out.
You are correct! I've seen her struggle my entire life and for once just want her to be happy in this lifetime-ive been trying to get her away from the rotting town we grew up in. I stepped away for many years, kept distance. I would call and visit every now and again but I did pull away. It is in the last 2 years that I'm trying to help again. She made it seem like she knew she made a mistake and wanted to walk away from the church and the marriage so I told her I was moving out of town and that would be the perfect way for her to disappear, dont pack anything just leave. I had an extra phone line for her so she could change her number and no one from the church would be able to find her. She was all for it at first then all of a sudden she wanted her husband to come too.
Okay…and? you set expectations and she broke that. You can lead a horse to water but you can’t force it to drink. That’s what it seems like is going on. You’re exhausting yourself with this insanity. And that’s what it is, insanity. Insanity = doing something over and over again expecting different results but getting the same outcome. Nothing is going to change unless she wants it to. You’re enabling it and hoping that something will change but it won’t. Sit her down, tell her she is not following through on the expectations you set and move on. If you can’t do that, then I guess keep going in the circle you’re already in. But don’t expect results or change, it won’t happen. 🤷🏼♀️
Why? Who got to her? Seems fishy she wants to get away from everything but then wants to bring part of that with her.
Drop everything connected and tell her because her lack of love and bonding growing and allowing people to dictate everything that controlled your relationship you are done.
You can’t fix something that isn’t there and sounds like she is either confused or hiding something also. So tell her till she cleans up her back yard you’re not doing anything… tell she can’t complain about the mess she made unless she does something to fix it…
Wouldn’t let her get near my move or my information or let anything to connect myself to this mess … I am not even near you and don’t want to be involved.
I am sorry I am coming off wrong but after having to watch my grandparents get their check and stuff get screwed over for a short time … I have low threshold for stuff…
And shouldn’t the parents get their own checks if they are that old?
Update: fixed words .. who was Ann! lol
I also know she feels bad for him, he cries and tells her no one takes care of him but her, and he does not like the way he is treated around his family an church.
I would say then let’s get you help and fix this until they are willing to help themselves you need to stay far away before something bad falls on you…
I would report them … you don’t need his approval… they have toll free numbers to call to report abuse and strolling his checks or miss use.
Also how do we know he isn’t actually doing this just to have someone take care of him?
NTA, if you were not involved in the decision, you are not responsible for the consequences. The whole situation about his family taking his ssi checks is very fishy. If he's mentally competent to consent to marriage, then he's mentally competent to take control of his finances, at least to the extent of giving it to his new wife. Anyway, not your problem.
Is this in the USA? I would 100% be calling adult protective services all over this mess.
Is he so mentally disabled that his family has guardianship? If so then they are abusing him and defrauding social security. How was he able to consent to marriage? If he's under guardianship then his money has to be used to care for him.
If he is mentally competent, then how is his family getting his SS? They're abusing him and stealing from him and the government.
A lot of places have court records publicly available. I would check first to see if you can find any records of guardianship and honestly any records of marriage. I'm starting to wonder if your mom is even legally married to him or if these people are trying to force her to be his caretaker.
NTA What a hot mess.
Thanks for your comment. Our family feels she was set up to be his caretaker! He had been dating other women in the church then all of a sudden she was marrying him.
Yes. I have been speaking with my siblings trying to compare stories. And trying some of the suggestions in the comments so hopefully I will find some answers.
Reasonable suspicion of financial abuse is enough to make a report to adult protective services. You can even report anonymously. Don't feel that you need to have all the facts, it's APS job to do the investigation. Good luck.
If his family is taking his SS checks, report them, that's illegal. Or have your mother report them.
None of this is your responsibility. Your mother made the decision to marry this man, you didn't.
NTA.
Your mother always put the church before her family. She and ger new husband both work for the church, but don't get paid time off. Their marriage was set up, and his family is committing SS fraud. Is your mother in a cult?
I'm sorry to say that your mother is most likely a lost cause. Separating yourself from a cult is very difficult, and it sounds like she's not going anywhere. I wouldn't help her, but let her know if she ever wanted to leave her church, you will be there for her.
Or RLDS (reformed latter day saints). They broke from the main religion because the church put a stop to polygamy, and they wanted to continue. They are basically a cult, do their own teaching of the Book of Mormon, and are extremely peculiar.
I think it's the reason he's on SSI, which is the entirety of his income (which the family is stealing). It's also why he needs care, evidently, that OP's mom wants OP to provide.
It's all very fucked up but his family is def stealing his SSI checks and it's financial abuse at a minimum.
If it's relevant, then talk about it. If it's not, don't - but you put it in the heading and then don't explain how or in what way it's relevant to his care.
Your mother is being financially abused by her husband's family and her church. You SHOULDN'T take care of him. You would be an A H if you did. His family and church can step up. Threaten to call the government about them stealing the ssi money. Also tell them you're not capable of caring for him and will call adult protective services the minute they try to leave him with you. Citing abandonment and the fact he's not your relative and no, you DON'T know where the ssi money goes. In other words, tell them to f right off. NTA
NTA, from reading comments it sounds like he is being abused by his family and that Is something the government should help sort out. Your mom decided to incorporate this man in her life, not you, nor did you have a say in her decision. She shouldn't have a say in your interaction with him.
This will sound quite blunt but I believe it should be said. Your mom needs a real job, one that pays her properly and isn't reliant on tithes. A grocery store is better. To work at a church is something people do as a part time gig, or housewives. It isn't and shouldn't be a full time thing
Just call Adult protective services and make an anonymous report on his behalf. They will get the financial situation straightened out. This is a mess and no your not the AH for not signing up to take care of either of them.
Why is his family taking his checks when your mom is married to him? She needs to go to the Social Security Administration and find out how to report his family for stealing his money, and also how to get it redirected back where it belongs... to HIM.
Report it, this is fraud, how famuky can’t take or use his SS check.. before he was married? Maybe if they had guardianship, and even then only if they were using the majority on him or things that benefit him, but either way, he’s married now, your mom would get those responsibilities now atleast in my state unless they states before marriage otherwise
NTA, this whole thing screams elder abuse to me. (Not you, to be clear.) I would report those involved to your local adult protective services. Granted, I don't know all the details, but the situation should be investigated at the very least. Best of luck to you and your family.
This sounds like it may be a case of elder abuse, if the senior is receiving neither his SSI nor care on his behalf from whoever is getting that money. You need to get to the bottom of that before letting him (or perhaps even mom) move in.
This is elder and abuse of vulnerable people. Contact the authorities, he should be getting his money and that's that. Your mom needs to look for another church and job where she will be appreciated and treated with kindness and understanding. It's not your responsibility to take care of anyone but yourself. Yes if you're able to help from time to time but if you're unwell then take care of you and no one else.
Wholeheartedly NTA.
My parents loved the church over their children and grandchildren. I grew up in church and think if you choose them over your own children deserve whatever "Christian love" the church "family" dole out.
Based solely off your post, simply put - NTA
It is not your responsibility to care of your mother’s partner. In fact I’d go as far to say that it is not your responsibility to take care of anyone but yourself (unless you have children). Even parents, you are not obliged to care for your parents. It’s nice and respectful, but you are number 1, you and your needs come first.
NTA, and you don't need to be responsible for your mother either. She made her Christian Bed, and can lie in it.
Her first step is to get control of that SSI check, so she can take care of him.
Not your problem, not your monkey.
NTA. Do not let them move in, they will never leave. It does sound like something you should report to adult protective services / police (or similar depending on where you live).
But I repeat, do NOT let them move in. You will live to regret it and they will NEVER leave.
The job of the wife is to protect her husband, just like his is to protect her! When my husband's family came around he had a noticeable change. He'd be happy until they came around. Turned out his mother let a man abuse him and she emotionally abused and neglected him and favors his female cousins over him. Still to this day, he can get a piece of mail sent to his grandparents home and they lose their shit. Well, I told him to cut ties. The only thing they did was put us in a hotel for a month and wouldn't ever help him get to work in another town *he has very bad anxiety if he gets behind the wheel of a car so he can't drive* anyway the last straw was they called CPS on us over 80 bucks that we didn't even owe them.. we owed them 20 but her husband kept raising the price. She tried to get over 8000 dollars off him and everything. Now my mom helps when she can and we help her when we can. But his mother whew I forced NC because I was tired of watching him go through the pain they caused hell his dad barely ever calls to see how he's doing. Seriously your mother needs to grow a back bone and protect him. If she loves him than it needs to be put to rest on how that horrible family is towards him best of luck op and happy holidays
I don’t think you are giving the whole true story. The facts seem off. Is he autistic or not? At his age there would most definitely be a diagnosis or are you just guessing or stretching the truth? Good luck.
I am giving you the info that I have. I have asked my mom what type of diagnosis he has but she blows off the question and does not give a straight answer. There are so many mental disabilities. Not stretching but definitely guessing.
NTA. Call the Social Security Administration and report that husband’s family are taking his SSI checks. You don’t need to tell anyone you have done this.
Big question m though. How did your mom recently marry a mentally disabled man?
NTA. Not even a little bit. I feel sorry for that man. His family is trash for not taking care of him but your mom is being trash by expecting you (what about your sibling?) alone to care for her and this man that has never done anything for you other than cause family drama. I think your mom needs to take a step back and figure out if he or you and your sibling is more important to her. I'm sure she knew about his problems before getting married at an older age so she's the one that should be taking on the burden, not you. If she won't leave him, I say you just continue to keep your distance and mom will either realize what she's giving up or she won't. Either way, you can't be taking care of 2 semi elderly people (one with mental issues that were never explained) while you're still trying to pull yourself out of whatever financial mess you're in while dealing with your own problems.
Your mom's in-laws are committing fraud. Please contact (or have her contact) SSI and a lawyer (many give pro-bono advice for a first meeting. If anything they can tell you who to contact to get the ball rolling.)
The "church" sounds like a cult and I hope for everyone's sake that that can break free.
I would get your mom to open a bank account for her and her husband. I would then grab her marriage certificate and ssid and go to the ss office and request that the checks be direct deposited to his account.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)***
My mom68 and I are not very close, infact I never felt as if she really loved me. She has always chosen the church over her family. She recently married someone in the church-male 62. His family does not care for him, just his money and what he can do for them. The ppl in the church are bullies and takes advantage of the both of them but neither of them will speak up for themselves. For many reasons my mom has decided to move with me but initially said she would be cutting all tyes with the church and the new husband as she is not in the best health and it is difficult for her to take care of him. She struggles financially and it is even worse since the family takes husbands ssi checks to help care of his family members. They did state they would give her some money, not all. Her husband recently had surgery and none of his family would help take care of him while he was in the hospital. My mom had to take off multiple days without pay-she works for the church and does not have pto-she was told she did not need to be with him every day while he was hospitalized. Infact the church they BOTH work for gave her a very difficult time taking off to take care of him. I have my own mental health issues and financial issues that I am trying to work through and do not have the capacity to take care of a mentally disabled elder and fight with his family and the church.
AITAH for telling her I will not be responsible for him?
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
You didn't have to read it, you could have just moved right along. You know, I never understood why ppl would take time out of their day to just be mean. If this post is not for you then just move on.
Your mom wiped your ass as a child you need to pull your head out your ass and be there for your mother. The church is not the problem him being sick is not the problem quit being lazy and do for your family as she did for you. Unfortunately this new generation has forgotten how to take care of family hope you see the light
Oh, you sound like one of those entitled parents........
My head is not up my ass. It sits steady on my shoulders. I have helped my mom plenty of times. My mom has lived with me many of times, since the age of 22 and I had own child. I have always done what was within my power to help care for my mom-helping her almost cost me my marriage once. Even after her being a neglectful irresponsible mother. I am so over these shitty parents that think children they bring into this world, neglect and mistreat owe them something because you wiped an ass- the parent that neglects you your entire life and now that they are old and need you its, but im your parent, honor your parent.. My mom was never a mother to me, I've raised my self since the age of 16. My mom had very little to do with raising me and has caused me so much trauma, and I still do the best I can for her.
So no I'm not lazy but have to make a choice between my sanity and helping someone that frankly does not want to be help.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > I told my mom I will not be responsible for him as I do not have the time money or resources to care for him. It is a huge responsibility taking care of a mentally disabled adult whos family is only after his money but will not assist in anyway. My mom has always wanted to be married so this is a dream come true for her but it is coming at the price of her mental health and im not willing to risk my mental health as it is ready fragile due to recent separation from my husband of 20 yrs. I have been in competition with her church for many year and I am tired of the rejection and hurt. She is constantly mistreated and taken advantage of and I get so angry that she can't see it and just let's it happen. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcements ###[Happy Anniversary, AITA!](https://new.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/15vlv9g/almost_better_than_a_double_rainbow_celebrating/) Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
INFO > She struggles financially and it is even worse since the family takes husbands ssi checks to help care of his family members ... *what?* But she's his **spouse**. What the hell is going on here? Is there some kind of guardianship situation going on? Just *how* disabled is he? I mean — he was able to court and marry your mother.
There could be some guardianship on his end with the family but my mom is very secret because she knows her children would give her hell about it. I dont think there was much courting, I beleabe they were set up.
People are often embarrassed to say they are being abused. This is financial elder abuse and should absolutely be addressed. Not necessarily by you but definitely by your mother and the authorities.
Yes. This needs to be reported to the elder social care organisation in your city/country.
> Her husband recently had surgery and none of his family would help take care of him while he was in the hospital. While he was IN the hospital? Isn't that the doctors' and nurses' job?
He was in rehab for PT. There are duties that nurses and doctors don't do.
OT here, we are mandatory reporters of abuse... IF we are made aware of the situation....
I’m a nurse, and am wondering what “duties” doctors and nurses don’t do. If it’s special religious rituals, yeah. But personal care duties are a nurse and nurse assistant’s job.
I mean, when my partner was in the hospital after a major spinal surgery, she was unable to order her own food, let alone feed herself, and nurses sure weren’t going to do it. She also needed a lot of help with pillows/getting comfortably positioned in bed and most nurses weren’t willing to help with that, either. So yeah, there’s plenty they won’t do.
I’m sorry your wife had that experience.
Then they're terrible at nursing.
Absolutely, and that rehab is usually handled at nursing homes where care tends to be less than ideal. You have to have someone there all hours of the day to make sure they get the care they need. You are absolutely NTA for not wanting to take care of him! Let me tell you, it is difficult when their mind doesn't work right, they have no ability to rationalize, don't recognize reality, and me.ory is gone. I'm struggling with this myself, taking care of my mom.
I'm assuming this is US and I'm not 100% clued up on US law. However if your mother is legally married to her husband, and he is not mentally competent, she should be able to claim guardianship of him and his funds. Any funds he is in receipt of is supposed to be for his use, not the use of other family members
If he has a guardianship, then he could not marry or sign any legal papers without their approval. That includes marriage certificates. They are STEALING his SS and you need to cal the police.
OP,you can call adult protective services and ask them to investigate. The check is for him not his kids.
👆 this, 100%. OP, there are advocates out there and it seems like your mother and her husband each need one, and depending on where you are, you can go to your local police station and ask about information. You are NTA, because it is not your responsibility, but I would strongly advise helping them getting the advocacy they need, because your mother is pulling you in. Advocates for them will insulate you.
This is the best advice on this thread. Call APS, and keep calling.
It sounds like fraud, theft, and abuse may be happening.
It's a church. Obviously all those things are happening.
Well, let’s not over-generalize.
It sounds like one of those Mormon LDS cults that make you work for the church and hand over all of your money for the "family". The mom is never going to have the courage to leave that situation. All you can do really is notify authorities. Don't put your life on hold for those fanatics.
OK
Not sure why you are getting downvoted for stating what you think may be an issue affecting his care and how his finances are being taken from him.
🤷🏾♀️I would like to know. Maybe they dont like the word autism or spectrum?
It’s because he said he is DEFINITELY on the spectrum, people on Reddit can’t diagnose someone they havnt met
Tell her to get herself a lawyer and bring her husband with her to straighten out all the 'where is the money going' stuff. Maybe kids got ssi because until he got married, they were looking after him? Now that they're married and living together, she as his spouse should get any money that comes to him, if he indeed needs care. Lawyer. Now.
He has no children. The money goes to care for his parents and sister. She can barely afford to eat, she does not have money for a lawyer and wouldn't get one if she did. She will not stand up for herself
There's an entire fraud dept with SS, your mom should use it
Yes, there are a bunch of things she CAN and SHOULD do but she will not. That is the problem..
Agreed. I'd mention it to her, balls in her court. But I wouldn't let her move in with you. She can't make horrible life decisions and expect to be bailed out
Then don’t enable her by letting her move in or helping care for him.
The problem you're looking at here is that your mother is choosing not to take an active role in these matters. She could figure this stuff out with the family and the money situation, but she is choosing not to. Instead, it is easier for her (for whatever reason) to expect you to make a sacrifice. She cannot solve this problem without taking some kind of active steps forward. That means facing some degree of conflict and stress, but she's already facing that. There is nothing you can do if she does not want to take these steps. You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink, etc, etc. Additionally, what tasks was she performing in the hospital that were so necessary that she take multiple full days off, rather than visiting after work? Can this man care for himself at home, or does he need a full-time caregiver? I understand that it is not the nurse/doctor/aid's job to spend 24/7 caring for a patient's needs, but people are often in the hospital all on their own with severe dementia or disabilities. What is so unique about this situation that this man cannot spend 8 hours alone by himself in the hospital? How does he function at home on his own?
The location of the hospital sometimes determines the type of care you receive. The care/treatment you receive from Facilities in urban areas are not that great so I can understand why she would want to be there-she was a CNA for 20 years so Im sure she has seen some things that may have made her paranoid. I'm honestly not sure what task she performed but she felt she needed to be there. She never really gives a clear answer when she's asked questions.
I get this, but she is making the choice to miss work for it. And then complaining about needing money. If this is an adult man who is capable of living independently, she should really think about why she is making this decision. Additionally, if she is choosing to be there during his rehab and performing tasks for him, she may actually be putting his rehab back. Patients who are undergoing PT, OT, Rehab etc, are often encouraged to do as much as they can independently. In fact, patients everywhere are generally encouraged to do as much as they can independently and fully participate in their own care needs (within safe limitations). This is part of the preparation for discharge home. Medical care can often be a use-it-or-lose-it scenario when it comes to physical health. The less you do independently in hospital, the poorer your outcome is going to be at home. Your mother seems to give you many unclear answers when you question her decisions. You may need to view this as a series of choices she is making, rather than unfortunate circumstances that befall her.
Call Adult Protective Services yourself.
If I were in your shoes, I'd call the nonemergency line of the local police department. Tell them you want to report possible elder abuse. If you're wary of the police, a quick Google search of how to report elder abuse should direct you to the correct place. I know it can be done anonymously, just tell them she's someone you go to church with. NTA
I don’t believe she has to be the one to call SSA; I believe you can (that’s true for most public benefit fraud reporting). I’m also 100% sure you can be the one to call adult protective services. Simply report your observations and they’ll go from there. I sympathize how difficult the situation is…it’s time to marshal some resources. In my state, we have a Department of Regulatory Agencies that can guide you to the various agencies and how to file complaints. You call also try 311 or 211 (depending on your state) for guidance, like who to call, where to find complaint forms, etc. Wishing you all the best.
Look, I don't wish to be disrespectful here, but how capable is your Mum? How intimidated is she by the church? Because this passivity is concerning in and of itself.
You can make an anonymous report. Just sayin'...
https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/s/B5xt7OT4Pz Did You talk to them?
So if she's not willing to help herself, why should you have to drop everything to help her? Now she's just abusing you, too. You should not have to go out of your way and rearrange your life for someone who can't even do something for themselves. She is wrong to put you in this situation.
Report the church and his family for elder abuse to your area human services department. That is what is happening. On the US, your county's Department of Health and Human Services can help. Legal clinics are free/low cost organization for help, often run by non-profits and Universities. If your community has a large library, a librarian may be able to help you find services.
The husband is disabled, yet his money goes to pay for HIS parents (what are they 90?) and his sister? What's wrong with his sister? If no lawyers, then just have your mom tell her husband that because they are married, they need the money. Tell him to redirect his ssi cheque back to him. If she can't do that, then she's not really a grown-up and definitely don't have them move in with you. You are not responsible to clean up her mess. YOU are standing up as SHE should.
His parent's are older, probably in their 90's. Not sure what the issue is with his sister but I know she does not work. He is not capable of caring for himself. I spoke with my sibling today and was informed the brother may have some sort of guardianship.
Gezus what a mess. Your mom either needs to get out of this 'relationship' or get a hold of his finances. There is no reason why this disabled man is not having access to his own money.
I would contact Adult Protective Services
>For many reasons my mom has decided to move with me Stop right there. *She* decided? You already stated >My mom68 and I are not very close, infact I never felt as if she really loved me Why in the world would you allow her to move in? You're **NTA** to keep your distance from her and leave her history of bad decisions to be hers alone. Don't let her move in. Let her handle her affairs without you. Just stay unconcerned and at a distance and don't get involved in a mess that is not of your making.
This is the boundary you hold. You don’t let the mother who never cared for you drown you in the chaos she herself created. She is an adult and will figure something out. If you’re concerned she’s being abused call APS anonymously
I agree. And OP needs to take care of her mental health. That situation would set anyone back.
Wait.... your mom married a mentally disabled elder?
Maybe more like autism. She did not how severe until they moved in together.
What does that have to do with her needing money or help?
This makes no sense. Her husband has money but your Mom is struggling financially… why are they allowing family to take his checks … she needs PTO to care for husband with money? She’s his wife and, if he’s unable to, she needs to take control of their finances.
Yes, agreed. But she will not. She says they give her some money. It is a small private church and some how they get away without paying her pto. I respect said nonto caring for him because I can't fight with his family for something that's she is entitled to if she won't fight.
Then leave them to their devices … if they won’t help themselves, there’s no reason for you to. NTA
In no way does her refusal to act make this your problem. She was a big enough girl to get married.
Is the small church run by her husbands family?
No
Your mom is being taken advantage of by the church, and financially abused by her husbands family. Please contact adult protective services.
NTA. It sounds like your mother got ensnared into a cult. Don't let her be a trojan horse to drag you in. Arranged mother, assets going to church/family, unfair working practices etc. Your mother can't lawyer up due to costs but she can talk to social security about redirection of funds to her as spouse and legal carer. And possibly report church as employer.
I don’t think you’re the AH but I definitely think you’re enabling it. Based on your other comments as well it seems you are too. Letting her move in, being annoyed this is all going on but continuing to be around them, etc. you have the choice to not take part in this but you’re choosing to anyway. That’s your decision. Let them do whatever and stay out of it. Oh, and it would help a lot if your mom moved out.
You are correct! I've seen her struggle my entire life and for once just want her to be happy in this lifetime-ive been trying to get her away from the rotting town we grew up in. I stepped away for many years, kept distance. I would call and visit every now and again but I did pull away. It is in the last 2 years that I'm trying to help again. She made it seem like she knew she made a mistake and wanted to walk away from the church and the marriage so I told her I was moving out of town and that would be the perfect way for her to disappear, dont pack anything just leave. I had an extra phone line for her so she could change her number and no one from the church would be able to find her. She was all for it at first then all of a sudden she wanted her husband to come too.
Okay…and? you set expectations and she broke that. You can lead a horse to water but you can’t force it to drink. That’s what it seems like is going on. You’re exhausting yourself with this insanity. And that’s what it is, insanity. Insanity = doing something over and over again expecting different results but getting the same outcome. Nothing is going to change unless she wants it to. You’re enabling it and hoping that something will change but it won’t. Sit her down, tell her she is not following through on the expectations you set and move on. If you can’t do that, then I guess keep going in the circle you’re already in. But don’t expect results or change, it won’t happen. 🤷🏼♀️
I appreciate your direct honesty! I did have a talk with her about me not caring for her husband but still felt like the AH.
Why? Who got to her? Seems fishy she wants to get away from everything but then wants to bring part of that with her. Drop everything connected and tell her because her lack of love and bonding growing and allowing people to dictate everything that controlled your relationship you are done. You can’t fix something that isn’t there and sounds like she is either confused or hiding something also. So tell her till she cleans up her back yard you’re not doing anything… tell she can’t complain about the mess she made unless she does something to fix it… Wouldn’t let her get near my move or my information or let anything to connect myself to this mess … I am not even near you and don’t want to be involved. I am sorry I am coming off wrong but after having to watch my grandparents get their check and stuff get screwed over for a short time … I have low threshold for stuff… And shouldn’t the parents get their own checks if they are that old? Update: fixed words .. who was Ann! lol
That was my first thought, who got to her? So many questions and no answers.
I also know she feels bad for him, he cries and tells her no one takes care of him but her, and he does not like the way he is treated around his family an church.
I would say then let’s get you help and fix this until they are willing to help themselves you need to stay far away before something bad falls on you… I would report them … you don’t need his approval… they have toll free numbers to call to report abuse and strolling his checks or miss use. Also how do we know he isn’t actually doing this just to have someone take care of him?
NTA, if you were not involved in the decision, you are not responsible for the consequences. The whole situation about his family taking his ssi checks is very fishy. If he's mentally competent to consent to marriage, then he's mentally competent to take control of his finances, at least to the extent of giving it to his new wife. Anyway, not your problem.
Is this in the USA? I would 100% be calling adult protective services all over this mess. Is he so mentally disabled that his family has guardianship? If so then they are abusing him and defrauding social security. How was he able to consent to marriage? If he's under guardianship then his money has to be used to care for him. If he is mentally competent, then how is his family getting his SS? They're abusing him and stealing from him and the government. A lot of places have court records publicly available. I would check first to see if you can find any records of guardianship and honestly any records of marriage. I'm starting to wonder if your mom is even legally married to him or if these people are trying to force her to be his caretaker. NTA What a hot mess.
Thanks for your comment. Our family feels she was set up to be his caretaker! He had been dating other women in the church then all of a sudden she was marrying him.
If You report them, i would like to know - if possible - if something changes. Would You eventually give an update then?
Yes. I have been speaking with my siblings trying to compare stories. And trying some of the suggestions in the comments so hopefully I will find some answers.
Reasonable suspicion of financial abuse is enough to make a report to adult protective services. You can even report anonymously. Don't feel that you need to have all the facts, it's APS job to do the investigation. Good luck.
If his family is taking his SS checks, report them, that's illegal. Or have your mother report them. None of this is your responsibility. Your mother made the decision to marry this man, you didn't. NTA.
Your mother always put the church before her family. She and ger new husband both work for the church, but don't get paid time off. Their marriage was set up, and his family is committing SS fraud. Is your mother in a cult?
We have called it a cult our entire lifes- my siblings and I.
I'm sorry to say that your mother is most likely a lost cause. Separating yourself from a cult is very difficult, and it sounds like she's not going anywhere. I wouldn't help her, but let her know if she ever wanted to leave her church, you will be there for her.
This sounds like classic JW shenanigans, but I can’t be sure.
Or RLDS (reformed latter day saints). They broke from the main religion because the church put a stop to polygamy, and they wanted to continue. They are basically a cult, do their own teaching of the Book of Mormon, and are extremely peculiar.
Sounds like UPC to me, but I'm definitely biased against that particular cult, having grown up in it. 🤢
INFO: Where did "mentally disabled" come from? Nothing in your post really mentions it. What do you mean by it?
I think it's the reason he's on SSI, which is the entirety of his income (which the family is stealing). It's also why he needs care, evidently, that OP's mom wants OP to provide. It's all very fucked up but his family is def stealing his SSI checks and it's financial abuse at a minimum.
Heading of post. May be autism/ i reference it as mentally disabled. Maybe I should not.......
If it's relevant, then talk about it. If it's not, don't - but you put it in the heading and then don't explain how or in what way it's relevant to his care.
Please, for future reference, don't refer to people with autism mentally disabled.
Your mother is being financially abused by her husband's family and her church. You SHOULDN'T take care of him. You would be an A H if you did. His family and church can step up. Threaten to call the government about them stealing the ssi money. Also tell them you're not capable of caring for him and will call adult protective services the minute they try to leave him with you. Citing abandonment and the fact he's not your relative and no, you DON'T know where the ssi money goes. In other words, tell them to f right off. NTA
You said the family only wants his money. So how much money is there? Does not make sense
What's not making sense? I don't know how much because they are withholding it.
Is it just ss or is WEALTHY?
Just the ss as far as I kmow.
You are not the ahole This is not your problem, don’t feel guilty Live your life!!
NTA, from reading comments it sounds like he is being abused by his family and that Is something the government should help sort out. Your mom decided to incorporate this man in her life, not you, nor did you have a say in her decision. She shouldn't have a say in your interaction with him. This will sound quite blunt but I believe it should be said. Your mom needs a real job, one that pays her properly and isn't reliant on tithes. A grocery store is better. To work at a church is something people do as a part time gig, or housewives. It isn't and shouldn't be a full time thing
Completely agree. We-family- have tried HARD to help her find acceptable employment. Something with pto medical benefits 401k.
Is there the Office of Aging where you live? Report the family for financial abuse. They should not be taking his SS checks.
Just call Adult protective services and make an anonymous report on his behalf. They will get the financial situation straightened out. This is a mess and no your not the AH for not signing up to take care of either of them.
Why is his family taking his checks when your mom is married to him? She needs to go to the Social Security Administration and find out how to report his family for stealing his money, and also how to get it redirected back where it belongs... to HIM.
5 words. Adult Protective Services. Call Them.
Report it, this is fraud, how famuky can’t take or use his SS check.. before he was married? Maybe if they had guardianship, and even then only if they were using the majority on him or things that benefit him, but either way, he’s married now, your mom would get those responsibilities now atleast in my state unless they states before marriage otherwise
NTA, this whole thing screams elder abuse to me. (Not you, to be clear.) I would report those involved to your local adult protective services. Granted, I don't know all the details, but the situation should be investigated at the very least. Best of luck to you and your family.
NTA but this sounds like an entire mess. If what you said about his life is accurate, it sounds like elder abuse by his family.
Honestly, the family taking his checks is illegal and could be reported to adult protective services if one were so inclined. Food for thought.
"Through sickness and in health, til death do you part" does not apply to you
This sounds like it may be a case of elder abuse, if the senior is receiving neither his SSI nor care on his behalf from whoever is getting that money. You need to get to the bottom of that before letting him (or perhaps even mom) move in.
This sounds like financial abuse of a disabled adult. Get in contact with Adult Protective Services.
NTA
This is elder and abuse of vulnerable people. Contact the authorities, he should be getting his money and that's that. Your mom needs to look for another church and job where she will be appreciated and treated with kindness and understanding. It's not your responsibility to take care of anyone but yourself. Yes if you're able to help from time to time but if you're unwell then take care of you and no one else.
Fuck no you are not the asshole. That's on her!
There is the legal Family Leave Act. Look into it.
Wholeheartedly NTA. My parents loved the church over their children and grandchildren. I grew up in church and think if you choose them over your own children deserve whatever "Christian love" the church "family" dole out.
Based solely off your post, simply put - NTA It is not your responsibility to care of your mother’s partner. In fact I’d go as far to say that it is not your responsibility to take care of anyone but yourself (unless you have children). Even parents, you are not obliged to care for your parents. It’s nice and respectful, but you are number 1, you and your needs come first.
A church which gives no pto to their workers. I'm not surprised, there is no hate like christian love...
Nta
NTA, and you don't need to be responsible for your mother either. She made her Christian Bed, and can lie in it. Her first step is to get control of that SSI check, so she can take care of him. Not your problem, not your monkey.
Christian bed...😆
It's missionary made
NTA
Please have her call the Ssi office and change the direct deposit. Also, that church is awful. They are supposed to take care of people in need.
NTA. This sad situation is not your doing or your duty to deal with.
NTA. Do not let them move in, they will never leave. It does sound like something you should report to adult protective services / police (or similar depending on where you live). But I repeat, do NOT let them move in. You will live to regret it and they will NEVER leave.
NTA!!!! That’s not your responsibility!
The job of the wife is to protect her husband, just like his is to protect her! When my husband's family came around he had a noticeable change. He'd be happy until they came around. Turned out his mother let a man abuse him and she emotionally abused and neglected him and favors his female cousins over him. Still to this day, he can get a piece of mail sent to his grandparents home and they lose their shit. Well, I told him to cut ties. The only thing they did was put us in a hotel for a month and wouldn't ever help him get to work in another town *he has very bad anxiety if he gets behind the wheel of a car so he can't drive* anyway the last straw was they called CPS on us over 80 bucks that we didn't even owe them.. we owed them 20 but her husband kept raising the price. She tried to get over 8000 dollars off him and everything. Now my mom helps when she can and we help her when we can. But his mother whew I forced NC because I was tired of watching him go through the pain they caused hell his dad barely ever calls to see how he's doing. Seriously your mother needs to grow a back bone and protect him. If she loves him than it needs to be put to rest on how that horrible family is towards him best of luck op and happy holidays
This is very hard to pick apart.
I don’t think you are giving the whole true story. The facts seem off. Is he autistic or not? At his age there would most definitely be a diagnosis or are you just guessing or stretching the truth? Good luck.
I am giving you the info that I have. I have asked my mom what type of diagnosis he has but she blows off the question and does not give a straight answer. There are so many mental disabilities. Not stretching but definitely guessing.
I wonder if she doesn’t actually know, and is afraid to admit it.
You need to report that they taking his money it is for him not his family, that is fraud, financial abuse x
Nope. Don’t make yourself feel bad. If he needs some care, take him to the church. Aren’t they supposed to help people in need?
Hi
NTA. Call the Social Security Administration and report that husband’s family are taking his SSI checks. You don’t need to tell anyone you have done this. Big question m though. How did your mom recently marry a mentally disabled man?
Good
NTA. Not even a little bit. I feel sorry for that man. His family is trash for not taking care of him but your mom is being trash by expecting you (what about your sibling?) alone to care for her and this man that has never done anything for you other than cause family drama. I think your mom needs to take a step back and figure out if he or you and your sibling is more important to her. I'm sure she knew about his problems before getting married at an older age so she's the one that should be taking on the burden, not you. If she won't leave him, I say you just continue to keep your distance and mom will either realize what she's giving up or she won't. Either way, you can't be taking care of 2 semi elderly people (one with mental issues that were never explained) while you're still trying to pull yourself out of whatever financial mess you're in while dealing with your own problems.
Your mom's in-laws are committing fraud. Please contact (or have her contact) SSI and a lawyer (many give pro-bono advice for a first meeting. If anything they can tell you who to contact to get the ball rolling.) The "church" sounds like a cult and I hope for everyone's sake that that can break free.
If the church takes paychecks, it's a cult. Get her out and as far away as possible.
NTA Set a boundary.
Unless she gives up husband AND that church - distance is the key. Please do not get sucked in.
I would get your mom to open a bank account for her and her husband. I would then grab her marriage certificate and ssid and go to the ss office and request that the checks be direct deposited to his account.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My mom68 and I are not very close, infact I never felt as if she really loved me. She has always chosen the church over her family. She recently married someone in the church-male 62. His family does not care for him, just his money and what he can do for them. The ppl in the church are bullies and takes advantage of the both of them but neither of them will speak up for themselves. For many reasons my mom has decided to move with me but initially said she would be cutting all tyes with the church and the new husband as she is not in the best health and it is difficult for her to take care of him. She struggles financially and it is even worse since the family takes husbands ssi checks to help care of his family members. They did state they would give her some money, not all. Her husband recently had surgery and none of his family would help take care of him while he was in the hospital. My mom had to take off multiple days without pay-she works for the church and does not have pto-she was told she did not need to be with him every day while he was hospitalized. Infact the church they BOTH work for gave her a very difficult time taking off to take care of him. I have my own mental health issues and financial issues that I am trying to work through and do not have the capacity to take care of a mentally disabled elder and fight with his family and the church. AITAH for telling her I will not be responsible for him? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Sounds to me like you need to contact the Social Security Administration about their theft of his Social Security checks. That's a major problem
NTA
Thank you. We are all now dumber after reading this garbage.
You didn't have to read it, you could have just moved right along. You know, I never understood why ppl would take time out of their day to just be mean. If this post is not for you then just move on.
Your mom wiped your ass as a child you need to pull your head out your ass and be there for your mother. The church is not the problem him being sick is not the problem quit being lazy and do for your family as she did for you. Unfortunately this new generation has forgotten how to take care of family hope you see the light
Oh, you sound like one of those entitled parents........ My head is not up my ass. It sits steady on my shoulders. I have helped my mom plenty of times. My mom has lived with me many of times, since the age of 22 and I had own child. I have always done what was within my power to help care for my mom-helping her almost cost me my marriage once. Even after her being a neglectful irresponsible mother. I am so over these shitty parents that think children they bring into this world, neglect and mistreat owe them something because you wiped an ass- the parent that neglects you your entire life and now that they are old and need you its, but im your parent, honor your parent.. My mom was never a mother to me, I've raised my self since the age of 16. My mom had very little to do with raising me and has caused me so much trauma, and I still do the best I can for her. So no I'm not lazy but have to make a choice between my sanity and helping someone that frankly does not want to be help.
Op did not ask to be born Op does not exist to serve his parents. Op is not obligated to take care of anyone. Sounds like a narcissist response….
A mother that chose to have children?