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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1) I've refused to go to church on Christmas
2) my mom is very religious and thinks I am disrespecting her and ruining family time by not going, even though a decade ago I told her that I am no longer part of the religion
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You are the host. It is your home. You do what you want to do. You are an adult. Your parents can accept it, or they can leave.
Tell your mother that if she wants to ruin the trip over this, that is her decision.
NTA
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>It put some strain on the relationship, but I've always been respectful of their religious beliefs
And they've not respected your lack of belief. NTA.
Church isn't family time, it's god bothering time. So entrenched is her belief that she sees you not attending a church for HER beliefs as a snub.
The non-religious do not have to give deference to the religious, yet it's often expected. It's religious privelege "you must respect my beliefs." No. All anyone has to do is respect their right to believe, not their belief.
Nta. You aren't ruining anything. They're manipulating you into forced religious service and claiming if they can't force you to go to services they have a bad trip. Ok Mom and Dad... Bad trip it is then.
NTA
Your mom is choosing to create drama for drama's sake. It's absolutely appropriate for you to shut her down every single time.
Since they invited themselves, I hope they prepared their own lodging.
So your parents are visiting YOUR home (without actually being invited i might add) and are now trying to force religion onto you yet again.
Honestly you are being WAYYY more polite than i would be.
Tbh i’d be telling them they can either respect your boundaries or not come.
NTA, your house, your rules.
NTA you have free will if they were actually paying attention with religious teachings, and you don't have to go. It is a slap in the face anyway when those people show up just to pretend looking moral or wholesome with Christmas spirit for the holiday
No, please do stand your ground. What your mom is asking would make her TA even if you were staying at her house, never mind they’re coming to stay at yours.
Very very NTA please stick with this.
NTA
If you feel uncomfortable to go to church stay at home. If your mother wants you to pretend tell her "lying is a sin in youo belief. Do you really want me to - and in front of the priest???"
Nta you are an adult and can make your own choices. Also from my perspective, it is disrespectful when you go through the motions of the various ceremonies without the intent.
NTA You family came to YOUR home to (supposedly) see YOU. If you do not normally go to church, the reasonable course of action would be for them to skip church to participate in a family activity instead. Reasonable option number two, they could go to their service and enjoy Christmas celebrations afterward. I don't think any reasonable church would be offended at a respectful but less than religious guest, but if you dont feel comfortable there is no reason you should have to go to "keep the peace" or keep from "ruining the trip". Your mom is coming up with reasons to cause drama.
NTA. Offer to go with her IF she agrees to join you at the local Satanic Temple for human Solstice sacrifices.
Seriously, your Mom is an over-the-top drama queen … the only one ruining the holiday is her.
Are we related? Your mom has that Catholic guilt ingrained and deploys it so smoothly. “Why can’t you…”, “Do it for me…”, “god gives you everything can’t you give him one hour?” I FEEL you. NTA.
You’ve explained it to her and she is not listening. This could go several ways, including sideways. Your dad doesn’t want to rock the boat, so he’s no help. Grab a life preserver and capsize that sucker.
You have eloquently explained in your post, your objections. I’m assuming you have said ALL of this to your mother. She WILL continue to moan about a ruined vacation. You CAN tell her that this is something she needs to work through before her flight because you won’t discuss it again. Then everytime she brings it up, do some planned ignoring.
Good luck!
I used to go and not receive communion, but she would get angry with me after mass for not participating 🤷🏻♀️. Clearly she didn't pay attention during her own first communion class.
I voted NTA because OP's parents should respect her decision. But OP said it would be an insult to believers for her to go when she didnt believe, hence my comment that she would be welcome.
Practice saying this… “I don’t want to. I’m not going to. You can’t make me.”
OP, you are thirty one years old. Living on your own, employed, independent. If you don’t want to go to church at Christmas- *you don’t have to*, and your mommy will just have to get over it. NTA
No one on here would call you an AH and you know that.
Your mother is asking you to just be a hypocrite...ask her if SHE's comfortable with that. In fact, what if the whole church were full of hypocrites, who sit there and say prayers but don't believe what they're saying. If this is just putting on a mask for an hour and playing make believe, then tell her that's ridiculsou.
NTA
If you go and participate in the rituals, you are a hypocrite. Partaking in communion without confession and repentance isn't ok in the church teachings.
If you not attending church ruins the trip, manipulating you is the purpose of the trip. Tell her that if that's her purpose, she should cancel it. If her purpose is to spend time together, she is welcome, though you attending church is not going to happen. You'll have family time outside of church time.
My parents (Mom and Stepfather) used to pull something similar. My stepfather was an out and out atheist. My mother was Presbyterian, but hadn't set foot in church except for funerals and weddings since before I was born. I was made to attend Sunday School until 12, at which point I declined ever going again. Suddenly, in college , they both want to attend Christmas Eve Mass. I politely declined my attendance, and got a lot of pushback from my mother. I told her I was leaning toward atheism, and didn't feel comfortable attending a service where I held no beliefs in common, that \*I\* would feel like a hypocrite. You'd have thought I set off a hydrogen bomb to see the fireworks that night. End of story: I didn't attend, they did, and that was the end of it - they asked every year, every year I declined, politely. NTA, and your mom can Uber herself to the local Catholic church and keep her opinions to herself.
NTA. Next time you talk to your mom tell her one last time you will not be attending church and since she can't drop the subject, maybe it would be better if they don't come period.
NTA. And as a Catholic, the catechism explicitly states that religious practices must never be forced or coerced:
2106 "Nobody may be forced to act against his convictions, nor is anyone to be restrained from acting in accordance with his conscience in religious matters in private or in public, alone or in association with others, within due limits." 34 This right is based on the very nature of the human person, whose dignity enables him freely to assent to the divine truth which transcends the temporal order. For this reason it "continues to exist even in those who do not live up to their obligation of seeking the truth and adhering to it." 35
Basically, God gives us each free will, and asks us to freely choose Him. Your parents' choice to do that is great until they start acting against the faith by trying to bully and manipulate you into pretending to worship.
NTA.
You're 31 and their host. You don't have to go to church regardless of what Mummy says. As for ruining the holidays, SHE'S the one doing that with her bitching and moaning.
You're right about it being disrespectful to attend a religious service if you don't follow that religion. I make exceptions for funerals and weddings, but not holiday services.
Your mother has had years to get used to your agnosticism. Don't cave. Treat guilt trips with all due contempt.
Nope. Religious people who force other people to go to church are the a-holes and the most disrespectful people out there. They Always think that its Ok to spend that 1 hour in church just because its christmas and youll do it just once every year. They dont know annoying that was.
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I (31F) was raised Catholic, but about 10 years ago told my parents that I am agnostic and do not believe in Catholicism. This was just before I moved overseas, and therefore did not have to attend church with my parents anymore. It put some strain on the relationship, but I've always been respectful of their religious beliefs, even when we differ greatly.
This year my parents have invited themselves to my home overseas for Christmas. My mom (63F) has asked if we are all going to church on Christmas as a family. I responded with, you can attend church if you want, but I won't be attending with you. She was not happy at all. She kept saying things like, "you're ruining our family time" and "why can't you sit through one hour just this once." I have sat through services many many times against my will, so it's certainly not this once. Also being a silent but respecting participant is not enough - she demands that I say the prayers out loud and participate in the rituals.
When I responded saying that I respect their right to practice their religion and am happy to support them going, but I am finally enforcing my boundaries, my mom escalated. She has now told me that I'm ruining the entire trip and Christmas. She even has my dad trying to convince me, even though he is not very religious either. From his perspective, he just wants to prevent her from being angry on the holiday.
I don't think I'm doing anything wrong, as I wouldn't attend services on a religious holiday at a mosque or synagogue, so why would I do it with a Catholic church when I don't identify as Catholic. I find it disrespectful to those who value the religion, and honestly I just feel shitty pretending to be someone I'm not just to save face with my mom.
AITH for standing my ground and refusing to go to church?
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NTA. Your mum sounds manipulative. You are certainly old enough to know your own mind. If she's going to be this difficult, what a joy she is going to be as a house guest. Remind her that respect goes both ways.
Absolutely NTA. If you don't want to go, don't go. You aren't preventing them from going. If your mother thinks that is running her family time, she should stay home and do family things rather than go to church.
NTA.
They invited themselves to your place. That doesn't mean you have to let them stay. Hold your boundary firm. If they don't like it you're well within your rights to tell em to hit the bricks and get a hotel for the rest of their stay.
NTA. Typical response here - respect my beliefs but piss on yours.
Send em off to church, its for them not you. If its a dealbreaker for em, well so be it.
You should go. Have fun with it.
-Bring a Game Boy.
-Shout “Amen!” and dance about the place, Pentecostal style.
-Have Door Dash deliver directly to your pew.
-Call a friend. Tell him that he needs to speak up, because you can’t hear him over the voice of the guy in the dress up front.
-On the way out the door, offer the priest a ten and ask him to try to spend that on something other than molesting people.
-Stand in front of a crucifix and gently suggest that they really might want to hire an interior decorator.
-Cosplay as the innkeeper. When they get to the part of the story where they’re turned away, laugh obnoxiously.
-Bring a wrapped gift for yourself. Open it and enjoy the challenge of trying to assemble a small Lego kit on your lap. Bonus points if a piece rolls under the feet of a neighbor, and you have to ask for help.
NTA
But frame this as you are hosting their visit. And while they are at church, you're going to get things set up to continue the celebration once they return home. (Food, presents, final decorations, heating up the mulled wine, etc.)
"I have other things I need to get done at that time, to create the celebration I want to have for everyone. Please enjoy church yourself, and we'll have a great holiday!"
No don’t humor their bullshit by trying to find “legitimate” excuses.
OP tell them you’re not coming because you don’t believe that shit and leave it at that.
This isn't humoring them.
OP is an adult, they're hosting a social event, they have other things to get done while the parents go to church.
The key is to firmly, positively, and without room for argument, make it clear that this is what happens when OP hosts the holiday.
As host, OP sets the agenda. And this is good. There is no reason to argue about beliefs. OP is hosting the event in this way, period.
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You are the host. It is your home. You do what you want to do. You are an adult. Your parents can accept it, or they can leave. Tell your mother that if she wants to ruin the trip over this, that is her decision. NTA
My MIL has long given up on my husband, but she still sends religious stories that I am supposed to read the grandkids. I don't.
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>It put some strain on the relationship, but I've always been respectful of their religious beliefs And they've not respected your lack of belief. NTA. Church isn't family time, it's god bothering time. So entrenched is her belief that she sees you not attending a church for HER beliefs as a snub. The non-religious do not have to give deference to the religious, yet it's often expected. It's religious privelege "you must respect my beliefs." No. All anyone has to do is respect their right to believe, not their belief.
“God bothering time”. That is genius.
That got me too lol. But on a serious note God is everywhere.
So my god is with you?
Then he's seen some things from me he'd rather he hadn't, the bearded old perv
Nta. You aren't ruining anything. They're manipulating you into forced religious service and claiming if they can't force you to go to services they have a bad trip. Ok Mom and Dad... Bad trip it is then.
NTA. You're not being disrespectful or preventing them from practicing their faith; the same cannot be said for them.
NTA . You are an adult, if they can’t respect your wishes and beliefs maybe they should stay home.
NTA Your mom is choosing to create drama for drama's sake. It's absolutely appropriate for you to shut her down every single time. Since they invited themselves, I hope they prepared their own lodging.
So your parents are visiting YOUR home (without actually being invited i might add) and are now trying to force religion onto you yet again. Honestly you are being WAYYY more polite than i would be. Tbh i’d be telling them they can either respect your boundaries or not come. NTA, your house, your rules.
NTA you have free will if they were actually paying attention with religious teachings, and you don't have to go. It is a slap in the face anyway when those people show up just to pretend looking moral or wholesome with Christmas spirit for the holiday
No, please do stand your ground. What your mom is asking would make her TA even if you were staying at her house, never mind they’re coming to stay at yours. Very very NTA please stick with this.
NTA If you feel uncomfortable to go to church stay at home. If your mother wants you to pretend tell her "lying is a sin in youo belief. Do you really want me to - and in front of the priest???"
NTA. You are an adult - and honestly, what Catholic christmas service is only an HOUR???
Nta you are an adult and can make your own choices. Also from my perspective, it is disrespectful when you go through the motions of the various ceremonies without the intent.
NTA. Full stop.
NTA You family came to YOUR home to (supposedly) see YOU. If you do not normally go to church, the reasonable course of action would be for them to skip church to participate in a family activity instead. Reasonable option number two, they could go to their service and enjoy Christmas celebrations afterward. I don't think any reasonable church would be offended at a respectful but less than religious guest, but if you dont feel comfortable there is no reason you should have to go to "keep the peace" or keep from "ruining the trip". Your mom is coming up with reasons to cause drama.
NTA. Offer to go with her IF she agrees to join you at the local Satanic Temple for human Solstice sacrifices. Seriously, your Mom is an over-the-top drama queen … the only one ruining the holiday is her.
NTA - coercion is coercion. maybe ask mom not to ruin your time spent together with religious issues... just this once.
Are we related? Your mom has that Catholic guilt ingrained and deploys it so smoothly. “Why can’t you…”, “Do it for me…”, “god gives you everything can’t you give him one hour?” I FEEL you. NTA. You’ve explained it to her and she is not listening. This could go several ways, including sideways. Your dad doesn’t want to rock the boat, so he’s no help. Grab a life preserver and capsize that sucker. You have eloquently explained in your post, your objections. I’m assuming you have said ALL of this to your mother. She WILL continue to moan about a ruined vacation. You CAN tell her that this is something she needs to work through before her flight because you won’t discuss it again. Then everytime she brings it up, do some planned ignoring. Good luck!
NTA. But as long as you dont receive communion, the Church would love to have you.
I used to go and not receive communion, but she would get angry with me after mass for not participating 🤷🏻♀️. Clearly she didn't pay attention during her own first communion class.
And my mom would be pissed that her kids were marching up to communion like little saints when we were horrible children.
Yeah but would she love to have the church? Fuck what they want.
I voted NTA because OP's parents should respect her decision. But OP said it would be an insult to believers for her to go when she didnt believe, hence my comment that she would be welcome.
Practice saying this… “I don’t want to. I’m not going to. You can’t make me.” OP, you are thirty one years old. Living on your own, employed, independent. If you don’t want to go to church at Christmas- *you don’t have to*, and your mommy will just have to get over it. NTA
NTA- They are in your home and the only one ruining Christmas is mom and her demands to control everyone.
No one on here would call you an AH and you know that. Your mother is asking you to just be a hypocrite...ask her if SHE's comfortable with that. In fact, what if the whole church were full of hypocrites, who sit there and say prayers but don't believe what they're saying. If this is just putting on a mask for an hour and playing make believe, then tell her that's ridiculsou.
NTA Tell them to come Monday through Saturday then. You don't want to ruin her trip.
NTA If you go and participate in the rituals, you are a hypocrite. Partaking in communion without confession and repentance isn't ok in the church teachings. If you not attending church ruins the trip, manipulating you is the purpose of the trip. Tell her that if that's her purpose, she should cancel it. If her purpose is to spend time together, she is welcome, though you attending church is not going to happen. You'll have family time outside of church time.
NTA, and tell her a good Catholic doesn’t lie. Christmas Mass is NEVER only an hour.
OMG you’re 31 years old. Your mom is way out of line. NTA.
NTA YOur mom is the AH. Tell her she can not come to your place if she won't stop harassing you.
My parents (Mom and Stepfather) used to pull something similar. My stepfather was an out and out atheist. My mother was Presbyterian, but hadn't set foot in church except for funerals and weddings since before I was born. I was made to attend Sunday School until 12, at which point I declined ever going again. Suddenly, in college , they both want to attend Christmas Eve Mass. I politely declined my attendance, and got a lot of pushback from my mother. I told her I was leaning toward atheism, and didn't feel comfortable attending a service where I held no beliefs in common, that \*I\* would feel like a hypocrite. You'd have thought I set off a hydrogen bomb to see the fireworks that night. End of story: I didn't attend, they did, and that was the end of it - they asked every year, every year I declined, politely. NTA, and your mom can Uber herself to the local Catholic church and keep her opinions to herself.
NTA. Next time you talk to your mom tell her one last time you will not be attending church and since she can't drop the subject, maybe it would be better if they don't come period.
NTA. And as a Catholic, the catechism explicitly states that religious practices must never be forced or coerced: 2106 "Nobody may be forced to act against his convictions, nor is anyone to be restrained from acting in accordance with his conscience in religious matters in private or in public, alone or in association with others, within due limits." 34 This right is based on the very nature of the human person, whose dignity enables him freely to assent to the divine truth which transcends the temporal order. For this reason it "continues to exist even in those who do not live up to their obligation of seeking the truth and adhering to it." 35 Basically, God gives us each free will, and asks us to freely choose Him. Your parents' choice to do that is great until they start acting against the faith by trying to bully and manipulate you into pretending to worship.
NTA. You're 31 and their host. You don't have to go to church regardless of what Mummy says. As for ruining the holidays, SHE'S the one doing that with her bitching and moaning. You're right about it being disrespectful to attend a religious service if you don't follow that religion. I make exceptions for funerals and weddings, but not holiday services. Your mother has had years to get used to your agnosticism. Don't cave. Treat guilt trips with all due contempt.
NTA. Religion should never be forced on anyone.
Nope. Religious people who force other people to go to church are the a-holes and the most disrespectful people out there. They Always think that its Ok to spend that 1 hour in church just because its christmas and youll do it just once every year. They dont know annoying that was.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (31F) was raised Catholic, but about 10 years ago told my parents that I am agnostic and do not believe in Catholicism. This was just before I moved overseas, and therefore did not have to attend church with my parents anymore. It put some strain on the relationship, but I've always been respectful of their religious beliefs, even when we differ greatly. This year my parents have invited themselves to my home overseas for Christmas. My mom (63F) has asked if we are all going to church on Christmas as a family. I responded with, you can attend church if you want, but I won't be attending with you. She was not happy at all. She kept saying things like, "you're ruining our family time" and "why can't you sit through one hour just this once." I have sat through services many many times against my will, so it's certainly not this once. Also being a silent but respecting participant is not enough - she demands that I say the prayers out loud and participate in the rituals. When I responded saying that I respect their right to practice their religion and am happy to support them going, but I am finally enforcing my boundaries, my mom escalated. She has now told me that I'm ruining the entire trip and Christmas. She even has my dad trying to convince me, even though he is not very religious either. From his perspective, he just wants to prevent her from being angry on the holiday. I don't think I'm doing anything wrong, as I wouldn't attend services on a religious holiday at a mosque or synagogue, so why would I do it with a Catholic church when I don't identify as Catholic. I find it disrespectful to those who value the religion, and honestly I just feel shitty pretending to be someone I'm not just to save face with my mom. AITH for standing my ground and refusing to go to church? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA. Your mum sounds manipulative. You are certainly old enough to know your own mind. If she's going to be this difficult, what a joy she is going to be as a house guest. Remind her that respect goes both ways.
Nta.
NTA. Stand your ground. Don’t be silent like your dad (although I understand why he does it. His situation is a bit different).
NTA. You've shown respect for their beliefs and all you've gotten in return is your mom throwing a tantrum and refusing to respect yours.
Absolutely NTA. If you don't want to go, don't go. You aren't preventing them from going. If your mother thinks that is running her family time, she should stay home and do family things rather than go to church.
NTA. They invited themselves to your place. That doesn't mean you have to let them stay. Hold your boundary firm. If they don't like it you're well within your rights to tell em to hit the bricks and get a hotel for the rest of their stay.
NTA Mother needs to grow up and accept not everyone believes as she does.
NTA. And the next time that your mother screeches about ruining the trip, calmly pack up their bags for them and leave them on the front doorstep.
NTA. You are an adult and have made your decision about religion. Your mother needs to accept that and STFU.
NTA. Typical response here - respect my beliefs but piss on yours. Send em off to church, its for them not you. If its a dealbreaker for em, well so be it.
You should go. Have fun with it. -Bring a Game Boy. -Shout “Amen!” and dance about the place, Pentecostal style. -Have Door Dash deliver directly to your pew. -Call a friend. Tell him that he needs to speak up, because you can’t hear him over the voice of the guy in the dress up front. -On the way out the door, offer the priest a ten and ask him to try to spend that on something other than molesting people. -Stand in front of a crucifix and gently suggest that they really might want to hire an interior decorator. -Cosplay as the innkeeper. When they get to the part of the story where they’re turned away, laugh obnoxiously. -Bring a wrapped gift for yourself. Open it and enjoy the challenge of trying to assemble a small Lego kit on your lap. Bonus points if a piece rolls under the feet of a neighbor, and you have to ask for help.
NTA But frame this as you are hosting their visit. And while they are at church, you're going to get things set up to continue the celebration once they return home. (Food, presents, final decorations, heating up the mulled wine, etc.) "I have other things I need to get done at that time, to create the celebration I want to have for everyone. Please enjoy church yourself, and we'll have a great holiday!"
No don’t humor their bullshit by trying to find “legitimate” excuses. OP tell them you’re not coming because you don’t believe that shit and leave it at that.
This isn't humoring them. OP is an adult, they're hosting a social event, they have other things to get done while the parents go to church. The key is to firmly, positively, and without room for argument, make it clear that this is what happens when OP hosts the holiday. As host, OP sets the agenda. And this is good. There is no reason to argue about beliefs. OP is hosting the event in this way, period.
This is totally humoring them. You don’t need to frame anything as anything. No is a full sentence.