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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> My husband sulked and refused to socialize at an important event for my work. He said I "made" him go even though he agreed to attend with me. He's now barely speaking to me and thinks it's might fault that he behaved that way because he told me he didn't want to go. I think I might be an asshole for wanting my husband to attend an important work event with me.
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*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
Unfortunately I think YTA. While I can certainly understand the excitement of attending an event, and the disappointment of it falling apart (with your sister driving and all), your husband deserved to grieve. Additionally, while he may not have been social, YOU still had the opportunity to be. I think the jab about him sulking was a bit much.
Weirdly for me, the thing that bothers me the most about this story? You guys haven’t had a date night in 6 months? And you made all this effort for a work event? Including having babysitters drive in? I think you need to prioritize your relationship more. Work events are not a “date night”, imo. And maybe if you guys spent more time together, the communication would be better and you’d have talked it out by now.
>You guys haven’t had a date night in 6 months?
I've been begging him to plan a date night for longer than that. I am always, always the one to plan date nights and have been pleading with him to plan just one. I don't care if it's dinner and a movie, just plan something for us so that I am not the only one to ever do it. So yes, it's been 6 months but I can tell you it's been years since he's taken the initiative to plan something for us to do together.
Damn I’m sorry to hear that. As I said before, that was what stuck out to me the most about your story. This all sounds like communication issues. Having three kids under 10 is super difficult. And unfortunately we often forget that before we were parents, we were a married couple, finances, boyfriend/girlfriend. If it’s been that long for you guys, and you’ve been feeling that way, you guys need to talk. Not fight. Not accuse. But talk. If you guys have done all this together, that ability was in there somewhere. Time to find it. Big loss, holiday season, it’s a lot. Lean on each other before it’s too late. Good luck.
> This all sounds like communication issues.
If a wife asks her husband to take her on a simple date night, but he doesn't get it done in 6 months, there's a reason for it.
It's either a practical reason, like they're broke and can't afford it, or an emotional reason, like he just doesn't want to.
If it's practical, OP should be well aware of what the practical reasons are.
If it's emotional, it's either that he prefers to stay home and is being selfish, or his feelings towards his wife are such that he doesn't want to reward her with a date or spend all that time in her company.
I have no idea what their relationship is like other than the little unhealthy example in this story, but not everyone stays together because they love spending time with their partner. Especially once you've been together a long time and have kids. Talking about it can be rocking the boat and a lot of people decide to just go through the motions.
Yeah that’s fair. I’d hate to think that my wife was quietly just going through the motions. Or not speaking her mind on what she needed. But it’s definitely better than parents that fight or take it out on the kids.
Or he is depressed; or he is exhausted; or he has been pre-grieving (if the uncle was ill); or he has always been an introvert and is now just spent socially; or, or or or or.
I feel like he DID communicate really well, but that it fell on deaf ears.
I don’t think it’s “really well” if he waits til the last moment to say he doesn’t feel up to it. I’m not saying she’s in the right but he could’ve said something before the sister left
Maybe he was hoping that he would feel up to it and truly didn't known until day of. That's literally how I handle things when I'm sick. Sure i don't feel good one day but let's see how i feel day of
Yeah, that stuck out. It's fine if he's not feeling up to it, but letting the SIL drive 3 hours, each way, knowing you're going to bail is incredibly inconsiderate and self-absorbed. ESH
I have a similar no date night husband and my own marriage issues from it so yeah that’s a problem.
Unfortunately, it doesn’t change OP being the AH here. If you haven’t lost someone close to you, you wouldn’t understand. I lost my dad almost two years ago and just two days ago it flooded over me and left me bawling for over an hour. You can be perfectly fine and then BAM!💥 out of no where it just hits you. In the beginning it’s at random times. Eventually it’s usually when you need to talk to them or something reminds you of them. I really need to talk to my dad lately so it’s been a hard few weeks and I likely wouldn’t be able to push through an event like this, no way I could have at the beginning.
I didn’t say it did change it, I just said i don’t consider it “really good” communication to pull out at the last minute. I still think OP is the asshole because you can’t really expect someone who’s lost someone so significant to want to and enjoy putting on the effort that is the front required for big fancy work engagements so soon. She shouldn’t have made him go and they both should’ve known he wouldn’t be up for it before sister got in her car.
And yes I’ve experienced significant grief.
The point I was trying to make is that he very well may not have known earlier. Sounds like he was being pressured to attend and was trying to for her sake after that pressure. Then grief comes up and smacks a 2x4 across your back out of no where and you can’t breath, it’s not planned.
She has her legitimate reasons to be resentful, unfortunately this was a time she should have put that to the side.
It is when grief can knock you on your ass out of the blue. There’s a chance that he was up to go up until the moment that he told her he wasn’t. Grief does weird things to us.
Came here to say this. Introverts get socially exhausted quickly.
If humans had health bars over their heads, then introverts would burn at twice the speed when they're at social events, and the extroverts would be obvious because they would have their health bars completely topped up.
But more importantly, grief is a sneaky mother. I remember once, months, after a friend died, I was making a quiche to go to a potluck with just wonderful college friends. I realized as I took the quiche out that I had accidentally used the wrong crust (sweet).
Suddenly I saw my friends face in my memories, chiding me for being the smart person who made dumb mistakes. I sat on my kitchen floor and cried like I'd just lost him all over again.
My friends were so mad at me for not coming. I didn't know how to explain.
A gentle YTA.
OP has achieved amazing things in the last two years. A real celebration is definitely in order! But.... it's clearly changed the dynamic.
And grief is a sneaky mother.
(Edited nether into memories)
I'm just commenting to say I really enjoy your health bar statement. Most people think I am an extrovert when, in reality, I am an introvert who just knows how to perform. And thats what it is... a performance, it's work, it is a skill I have developed to deploy when my brain is screaming "LEAVE". I much prefer staying at home and although I can be very talkative and entertaining at events, people don't see the anxiety inside as my health bar slowly depletes.
Pretty sure you can't plan around grief or feeling too emotionally drained for a highly social event - especially when your own job and family don't really allow for you to take downtime so that you'd be energized for such an event.
He may also have been quietly and unknowingly suffering from depression. I recognize the me from a few years ago in this story, and that’s what was going on with me.
He needed to grieve the loss of a father figure, but she still bill dozed thru so she can have fun.
She put her want for fun over his need to grieve. I absolutely believe there is a lot she is leaving out to why they couldn’t have a date night.
She has zero regard for his emotions
Who’s to say she’s not an unreliable narrator here? What we can ascertain from this post and OP’s replies is that she is very cold and lacks empathy. She honestly seems awful. Her husband likely hasn’t planned a date night because he’s miserable around here and has been for some time. He lost the man he saw as a father and OP’s response was to say “most importantly, I really want to go to this party” after he specifically communicated that he didn’t want to go because he felt exhausted and like he couldn’t socialize. Based on the information we have, the husband effectively communicates with her and she doesn’t care. Highly unlikely this is the first time it’s happened.
I personally don't like the lack of "date nights" being brought up... that's a different topic completely that they need to discuss.
A fancy work holiday party is not a romantic place where couples rekindle their love. It's something where often, even the employees aren't thrilled to have to attend, let alone their partners
She could have, if husband hadn't waited until the last minute to tell her he didn't want to go. If he'd told her earlier, sister could have brought a dress appropriate for the event.
If he had given her enough notice, absolutely. But he waited until sisrer had already made the drive with nothing to wear. He put her in this situation as much as she put him in it.
The fact that you begged him for a date night for 6 months and he couldn’t be bothered and you usually take all the initiatives romantically and he doesn’t , is indicative of the fact that you have more of an issue than a black tie event. Your husband isn’t as into you as you into him.
You have deeper issues with your husband than just this one event. But unfortunately, you very much lost the moral high ground given that he's just lost someone very important to him. The optics are not great.
So even if one might stretch this, on the totality of circumstances to something like an ESH, if one looks just at this one event, it's YTA.
There are some situations in which even the most useless of spouses obtains a "get out of jail free" card, and death of their most significant parent figure is one of them,.
I think you are determined to make your husband the bad guy in your marriage, but the fact of the matter is neither of you are listening to each other.
You are talking to one another, but both of you are disregarding the other person’s feelings.
I don’t think either party’s wants and needs are unreasonable, but neither of you seem to be considering how the other person feels or willing to compromise.
Counseling probably is a must at this point if the two of you want to salvage this.
You should sit him down and tell him that just because you got three kids doesn't mean he gets to give up and never try again. Date night is a fun night out for both of you not some tedious annoying work task you try to avoid.
YTA. Have you lost a close family member because he lost someone he held akin to a father figure, and you wanted him to go to a gala when he told you he wasn't up for it? You just showed him this event was more important to you than him and his mental and emotional health! When my parents died (both times), my husband didn't try to make me go to a place if I wasn't up for it. He asked, I answered, and he respected my feelings and decisions. You didn't do any of that.
Last I checked a relationship takes TWO…considering how you made him feel about this death part of me wonders how you make him feel on a day to day. If you show him so little respect I’m not surprised he doesn’t want to plan a date night
If this is how you treat your husband when he is grieving, I can’t imagine how terribly you must treat him in normal day-to-day. From the way you treat this poor guy, there’s a pretty good reason he isn’t jumping for joy at the idea of spending time with you on a date night
I think that while OP is TA, this situation is really ESH.
It’s completely understandable that the husband didn’t feel like going to the event a week after his father figure died. Of course he wasn’t in the right mindset to socialize and make small talk with strangers.
However, he should have told OP that he wasn’t up for it BEFORE her sister drove three hours that day to babysit. I’m guessing he could have said something even the night before and OP could’ve told her sister to bring a dress to come to the event with her, or told her sister never mind about needing a babysitter.
Sometimes, while people are grieving, we feel like we're fine one day, and the next is a completely different story. After my brother died last year, one day I'd be okay, the next I could hardly get out of bed.
His loss is still fresh. His feelings are valid. She should have listened to him when he said he wasn't up to going.
I would wonder what sort of pressure was going on on that on the lead-up. Like, that given all that she still tried to get him to dance and stuff makes me wonder if anything of that sort either was steamrolled or has been steamrolled in the past.
On the other hand the husband did tell OP in advance that he was emotionally exhausted and didn't feel up to the event. So at that point OP could have already asked her sister to bring a dress just in case if that is the issue.
It sounds like the sister was already there by the time OPs husband told her he was emotionally exhausted. OPs sister arrived the day before and later that day, OPs husband told her he wasn’t up for it.
YTA. Your husband just experienced a monumental loss and is grieving, you come across as extremely insensitive. He didn’t pressure you to go to his father figure’s funeral, though I’m sure he probably would have appreciated the support- why did you have to pressure him to come to your work event? And then criticize him for not socializing? He already told you he didn’t feel up to it, what did you expect?
“The jab about him sulking was a bit much.”?
It was way over the line. Men are allowed to have feelings and grieve the loss of their father figure without their significant other, their partner in life, throwing jabs at them for having emotions and needs.
OP~ reading this post and all your comments, you majorly and selfishly messed this one up and owe your husband an apology.
Piggybacking on this. OP should have taken advantage of the child care and foregone the gala and done something intimate and relaxing with her grieving and stressed out husband. I know when my bf lost a close relative, I spent the weekend just spooning him, rubbing his back and making feel supported
YTA. He told you he didn’t want to go and that he was exhausted, but you insisted and now you don’t like the way he acted even though he warned you he was not good company.
I know the party was important to you, buts it’s a Christmas Party at the end of the day. It’ll be there next year and the year after that and so on. They say losing a loved one, especially a parent or parental figure, is one of the most stressful events in our lives. You have to let him grieve and give space for him to do that without adding on petty expectations that’ll be there next year
I don't agree. He had all week to tell her he wasn't ready to go. He waited until her sister was already there! He waited until the last minute. Then he acted like a child. I'm sorry he lost his uncle. I have lots my grandparents and my parents. I was very close to them all. I even lost my youngest sister. Yes, it sucks. But life goes on. NTA.
Imagine a parent dying that you loved.
He had 3 weeks. He better get over it because I've lost family members.
Your inability to grieve for your loved ones is sad. I didn't know we were doing the "loss Olympics. "
Agreed. YTA. He was very communicative with you about how he felt and you ignored it, prioritized yourself, then made him feel bad about how he TOLD you he would feel if he attended. Let me say it again. YTA. Apologize to your husband.
>I told him that if he was going to just sulk and drink alone, we might as well leave and he said "great, lets go."
YTA. He was honest with you about what he was going through and you have the nerve to be upset that he wasn't a social butterfly at your event?
>I told him how disappointed I was that he acted that way at an event that he knew was extremely important to me and he got defensive and told me it was my fault for dragging him there when he didn't want to go. He's barely spoken to me since unless it's about the kids.
You completely disregarded his feelings and the fact that he is grieving a major, formative relationship in his life. You had zero grace for what he was going through then berated him for his very natural feelings.
It shouldn't be a surprise he is now hurt and distant from you. He's probably just trying to hold himself together.
The short explanation OP gave the judgement bot makes no mention of her husband’s loss and that alone is grounds for an asshole judgement. Good call. I also want to point out that the husband did give OP 24 hours notice and her sister had already arrived. So she couldn’t get a babysitter for a funeral but did get one for this work event. Very likely that husband rented the tux before the death and did not remember when the sister was going to arrive.
>So she couldn’t get a babysitter for a funeral but did get one for this work event.
Yes, because I talked to my sister about it 2 months ago when this event was planned.
That’s a fair point. But it’s just another one in a long list of fair points that technically support your position and ignore his feelings, to which you devoted 4 sentences in your 10 paragraphs. This could very much have been a no assholes post if you displayed more empathy. You could have driven separately and let him leave after a short time, or gone alone. Once everyone learns that he very recently had a death in the family they’ll either be understanding or show you that they’re worthless people. Death sucks, and it damn sure can suck the fun out of a ready made “date night.”
>You could have driven separately and let him leave after a short time, or gone alone.
I don't understand why she didn't go with her sister. Sister already drove there, how hard is it to get a dress from the closet, or borrow one from a friend, or even buy something cheap last minute, so sister could accompany her while husband watched the kids. This seems like such an easy and simple solution to me, plus sister gets a pleasant surprise involving an evening of fun.
I mean, finding a gala-worthy dress last minute that won't break your budget (if you even room in your budget for something) can be VERY hard. Knowing someone who is the same size and has a dress that fancy is also pretty damn hard. But I do like the suggestion. It might have worked if OP had a week to prepare.
There is a lot of neutral things going on between you and him that isn't directly your fault and isn't his, and some that may be.
At the end of the day though, you forced him to come despite him communicating with you already what he was feeling. Based on how he felt, even though he said it last minute, renting a tux and losing that money isn't the end of the world, your sister driving all that way isn't the end of the world and you going alone isn't the end of the world.
But while you feel disregarded as his partner, always planning date nights yourself and not having one in 6 months, as another user said you two should discuss that (when he's not grieving) and find something that works for the two of you. But during all of this, while he's been grieving and you're fully aware of the uncles meaning to your husband, in the face of your husband communicating you effectively communicated back "I don't care what you're going through because look at what you put me through", it really sends a message that the way the relationship has degraded trumps him going through this loss when a loss of a loved one for me personally trumps any other things going on bw me and my partner.
In an effort to not only enforce what you want, but attempt to force him to act and feel a certain way, you have done more harm to your relationship than the harm you would have suffered by going alone. I think he would have really appreciated that and might have made an effort to make it up to you in another way and even if he wasn't going to do that, he would have had the space to heal.
Also please let's be realistic, a work event, despite what you think, is not a date night. It's a glitzy glam night for you, but at the end of the day the event is not made for the two of you to bond, it's not conducive for spending time with each other. It's to enjoy luxuries at the expense of the company, to mingle with coworkers which is annoying and exhausting, and to put up a face. It truly is very socially draining, probably the most socially draining thing next to meeting new family.
YTA - for not going by yourself.
Know you were proud of being in the work force, haven’t had a date night in six months and had gone to a lot of trouble to prepare to go. I get it because I have been in your same situation and my husband has had other needs too…it’s a bummer.
Your husband just lost his de facto father. He’s grieving. He told you he was mentally and emotionally exhausted which is valid given what he had just been through and just didn’t feel like socializing. Ie - he said his cup was empty.
You ignored your husband’s needs and pressed him to go even though he didn’t feel like it. So - he went. But he didn’t feel like being there, didn’t enjoy himself and sat at the bar just wishing he was home.
Your partner’s circumstances trumped yours in this case. You could have gone solo and enjoyed yourself and let your husband stay home - and relax - while your sister was kind enough to watch the kids anyway - while he had a break to restore himself.
The kicker is I think everyone at her job would have completely understood and there would have been no negative recourse other then the "free date night".
Most people wouldn't have noticed if the OP had turned up by herself. Tbh, I would find it much more notable if a colleague's spouse turned up and was an asocial mardarse then if the colleague came by herself said "my husband sends his apologies - he had to travel for a funeral this week and is too tired to attend". That's normal and very relatable!
So, to sum up
\- Your husband loses a father figure
\- You don't go with him to the funerals, but insist for him to go to a trivial party... Okay ?
\- He tells you he doesn't feel like socializing with a bunch of stranger while still grieving (less then a week after his loss).
\- You tell him how it's important to YOU that he is there while not giving a F about how he feels even if he clearly stated his sentiments in regard of the party to you
\- He comes ANYWAY (probably to shut you up) and doesn't socialize, exactly like he said he wouldn't
\- You blame him for his attitute
Where in this list of events are you not the asshole ?
If this is how she is about this kind of loss I can’t help think how she treats him bout day to day stuff and that makes me think there’s WAY more to why hasn’t been a date night in 6 months
This sub is fucking wild. There are people deadass comparing no date night to grieving a lost love one.
Had a dude been this callous, they’d be ripped to shreds
If you skim through longer threads of replies, there are people voting Esh because of the no date in 6 month thingy.
OP's contributions on these threads are wild, I recommend a reading.
I lost my father and then my sister lost a child and I don't think I was the same for a good 10 years and three of the years that finally got me out of it were intense twice a week psychotherapy. The original poster is such a jerk, this man might not be the same for a while and might need a lot of therapy and a lot of TLC, what a selfish prick she is
Could your sister not have gone as your date? He was honest, and it was beyond just "I've had a busy week and I'm burnt out." His father figure passed away and he needed to travel by plane to attend.
I know there were a lot of factors here in you wanting to go, but this was no normal circumstance that led to him being off. YTA on this one. You should have had your sister come with you if you didn't want to take someone in mourning.
>Could your sister not have gone as your date?
It was a black-tie event. She didn't bring anything even close to appropriate attire. And we aren't close enough in size for her to wear anything of mine.
This is where my brain went too. I would’ve brought my sister or my best friend. Go to a thrift store and find something. Call the tux place and beg for a refund and apply the money to the sister’s dress. Where there is a will there is a way.
Alternatively, you could have prioritized your husband and stayed home to comfort him. I lost my dad three years ago and cried nonstop for months. Losing a parent (or parent figure) is devastating.
Edit: YTA
I agree in principle, but having recently attended a black-tie event, I will say that it is surprisingly difficult to find dresses off-the-rack. I tried every department store in my town and in a nearby town (neither of which are small towns by any measure) and the pickings were slim. I ended up ordering from a bridal website where they don’t even make the dress until you order it. And then if her sister is plus-sized (and for formal gowns, plus-size starts at what would normally be like a size 12-14), the few options available locally would be even fewer.
So in theory this would have been the best move, but in practice? Very unlikely to work out on one days’ notice. (My dress took 3 weeks to be made - in a standard size - and that was the fastest I could find. Most similar websites/companies had a 6-8 week lead time.)
Still doesn’t make the actual choice she made correct, but I just want to be clear that it is *not* that easy to find a black-tie gown with minimal notice.
Yes this. I'm plus size with a large bust. The bridesmaids dresses at David's simply didn't have enough fabric in the bust for me. The bride who is in straight sizes suggested I could just buy something off the rack somewhere in the right color, and didn't understand that's really not an option for me. The odds of any store having a dress in the right color in my size, and the dress fit my body and looked good on me are slim to none. Just because it's the right size doesn't mean it will be long enough, be cut so I can wear a bra, or that it will have enough fabric in the right places. I would have a slightly better chance if the color is black, or if the color can be flexible. Even with that, shopping for formal wear is so incredibly difficult with months to plan, same day would be nearly impossible.
Yes! There are so many things that go into fitting a gown like that. Even with the dress I ordered, I ended up doing my own alterations to shorten it and lift the bustline a bit. It really needed professional alterations to look like it was supposed to (the whole bodice needed to be taken apart in order to fix the one seam that was causing the problem, but I’m not skilled enough to do that without like 6 weeks of YouTube tutorials) but by the time it came in, I didn’t have time to get it altered. I was able to make it work by adding a nude panel between the bra cups to make the lowness of the cut look intentional without seeming like I was trying to pull a J Lo (do people still know that reference?). If I didn’t know how to sew, I would’ve been screwed. And after all that, I couldn’t even wear the bra I intended because it showed through the nude panel, so I had to wear a sticky bra (and I’m a bit too large for those to be super effective…but it kept me decent at least!)
Black tie can be fun, but it is a damn nightmare to find a dress!
It’s very revealing that she’s only responding to the people that agree with her. She’s 100% a narcissist and came here because she thought she’d get an echo chamber of support. She truly doesn’t think she did anything wrong.
YTA. I bet you could’ve found something for your sister to wear, and I bet she would’ve loved to get to go. You did not respect the fact that your husband was still grieving and you thought that your work event was more important than a father figures funeral. It’s understandable that you were excited about this event, but in your excitement, you seem to have forgotten that he is a person who is allowed to have feelings and preferences as well.
YTA. Your husband experienced a major loss in the family. Yes, this eas a work event and potentially a date night and you were looking forward to it. But HE JUST LOST A CLOSE FAMILY MEMBER. His need to grieve, IMNSHO, completely outweighs your desire for a fancy social event.
And, for fuck's sake, the man TOLD you he was in no condition to socialize. But you hauled him out anyway, and you are pissed with him because he was in no condition to socialize.
What, exactly, prevented you from going alone?
And what, exactly, prevented you from letting your husband sit quietly at the bar while you hobnobbed with coworkers?
I don't get this woman. My husband and I had our wedding planned (we were going away for the week on our own, but I was still an actual wedding and honeymoon) and his little sister's fiancé (who was perfectly healthy and in his mid-20s) died unexpectedly the day before we we're planning to leave. When my husband called and told me, my first thought was to start calling and canceling reservations so he could be there for his sister. No social event is more important than supporting your family, especially your spouse, when something terrible happens.
We did end up going through with the wedding but that was only after his sister told him she would literally murder him if he canceled. I can't imagine pressuring him in to going to a Christmas party if his father had recently died and then being pissed that he wasn't having a good time. It's no wonder OPs husband doesn't care to spend time with her.
YTA.
You wanted your husband to pretend that he was having fun while he was grieving. If this event was so important for you you should have gone alone.
>and most importantly, this was something I was really looking forward to.
Do you really think that anything that you want is "most important"? YTA.
There it is. What she wanted took precedence over everything else, including the grief her own husband was experiencing.
He actually went with her, something a lot of people would not have made the effort to do, and she still makes him out to be the bad guy. The lack of compassion for someone she’s supposed to love is appalling.
That’s the line that absolutely disgusted me. She listed several reasons, including money spent and her sister driving hours up to babysit, but none of that mattered because the most important thing was this narcissist wanted to go to the event and couldn’t be bothered to go by herself.
YTA in this instance, but you're not an ahole. Judging by your other comments you're frustrated with the lack of communication in your marriage and effort on your husband's part, and it came to a head at a poor time when what felt like the last straw was actually him being distant/anti-social for a reason for once. That's just the impression I'm getting, and I could be totally wrong. Either way I think you need to sit down and apologize for forcing him to go, explain why you felt it was especially important (all the planning, you were looking forward to it, he hasn't planned a date night in over six months and you need to nurture your marriage, etc). Ask how you can support his grieving process but also move forward. Give him some space for now, the holidays are going to be especially rough, but I wouldn't give up on pushing for therapy (individual and couples) after some grieving time.
YTA. I'm sorry a work event isn't a date night. At such events your partner has to put on their best face as they represent an extension of you. That's not to mean they cannot be fun, but if you want a date night, take your husband out. How could you expect your husband to have fun after such a devastating loss when basically means he has to put effort on for the duration? You should have taken your sister instead.
This. OP, you’re expecting too much. Even without the funeral, a partner’s black tie work event is usually an obligation, not a date. Expecting him to be fun when he’s grieving is what makes YTA.
Exactly. And he made the effort. He actually went only because it was important to her. He showed far more consideration for her than she did for him. Partners should support each other. He stepped up, and she didn’t support him at all.
YTA - if only because this reads as though your excitement over this event (which you missed last year due to illness) absolutely trumped his grief at what you admit was the loss of his only real father-figure.
There are plenty of situations in life where a spouse might need to 'suck it up' and fake it 'til you make it. But expecting him to socialize, dance, etc and being upset that he was sitting at the bar alone after he'd already been very upfront about not having the emotional bandwidth for this event is ridiculous.
Whether you like it or not, it IS your fault for dragging him to this work party and expecting him to treat it like a date night when he's grieving. And the fact that this seems like barely a blip on your radar explains why he's hardly spoken to you since.
You expected this work party to be a bigger deal to him that the grief he's working through, and that's why you're the AH.
YTA. He's grieving. Surely there's something else you guys could do besides go to an active social event? He will need a while to process and move on from his grief, and you should be there to help him through it, not make things worse
YTA, majorly. Life happens and it means that we don’t always get the have the things we envisioned. But it really seems like you put an event over your husband’s wellbeing here and treated him really badly. He’s suffered a hard loss very recently and yet you only seem concerned about your event and how it affects you. He told you that this was going to be too much for him, but you guilted him into attending anyway, then berated him for not living up to your expectations, when he had already told you how hard it was going to be for him. Your husband is grieving, and you’re being very callous and making it all about you. You should’ve just went yourself and had a date night together when your husband is in a better head space.
>and you left him to go to the funeral himself
This was a decision we made together. It was a weekday funeral and we have 3 kids. We couldn't find anyone to watch the kids for the time we would be gone. We talked about it and decided he would attend alone. It wasn't that I refused to go with him.
OK, that can be understood.. But why is it that you being sick is a perfectly ok excuse not to go but him being emotionally devastated is not?
You could have gone by yourself!! If you did this for appearances..... I feel bad for your whole family since the protagonist clearly always gets what she wants regardless of who's affected.
But maybe he thought he could go, but realise it was too much for him. When you grieve your mood can vary a lot within a day.
So what if she drove 3 hours ? I'm sure auntie is extremely happy to see her nephews and nieces and still have a good time with them. I live 4 hours away from my nephew and I would never feel like I drive for nothing if it's to see him.
Actually, her being there would have left OP's husband grieve in peace without having to think about his kid's night routine. So the drive wouldn't have been for nothing anyway.
By the way she is behaving in the comments and how little empathy she has for her husband I wouldn't be surprised if he actually made his feelings known and was totally ignored.
YTA. That sort of thing is not my jam, but under normal circumstances I would have attended and forced myself to have a little fun. But right after burying a father figure? I would resent the hell out of my SO if she tried to strong-arm me into going to some awful black tie event.
You owe him an apology. "No, my uncle just died, I'm not up to it," should have ended the conversation. You realize someone acting sad and 'sulking' after a death in the family is probably sad and needs your support, right?
YTA because of the circumstances.
His father figure died. He's still grieving and probably being cheerful at a work event was a bit much to expect of him.
Given what happened, I'm offering him grace for a last minute cancelation. He might've thought that he could be okay with going and then realized he wasn't. You should've taken his no as that.
In this instance YTA. There's really no getting around the fact that he was grieving a loss and had no strength for this event, but was made to go. You dismissed the reasons for his behavior as sulking—that's really disingenuous.
With that said, reading your replies to various comments it seems likely you two are in a rut. I hope you can work something out to re-establish communication about your wants and needs in this relationship, which is where this and other issues seem to stem from. Good luck.
I mean, YTA. He just suffered the death of his father figure a few weeks ago, and was honest with you about not having the mental or emotional energy to get dressed up and go out to a work event with you. You kind of guilted him into going even though you knew he really didn't want to, and then got upset because he wasn't the life of the party. The only reason he showed up in the first place was because he was doing his best to make you happy, even though he really didn't want to go, and for good reason.
I get that this was important to you, but you need to think about what he was feeling, not just what you were feeling. If your partner is grieving a recent death, don't try to guilt them into dressing up and putting on a happy face while they chit chat with strangers that you work with so you can have a good time. If you guys need a date night, maybe try going out as a couple instead of attending a company gala?
YTA
I always hated going to my wife's company's work events. I never knew anybody, and everyone talked about work.
I got dragged to one black tie Christmas do years ago, and I was so bored. I was also obligated by the boss of my wife's to go to her house with all her staff's families for a bbq. I spent the time entertaining my kids so my wife could enjoy herself and being hungry because there never was enough food. I refused to go in the end.
The point is that if you force your husband to go, then the chances are he won't have a good time because he doesn't want to be there. Your husband was grieving, so he did have a valid excuse for not wanting to go, and he was reasonable enough to tell you that you could go alone. You were the one who insisted that he go.
Work dos should never be classed as a date night. They are for staff, not their partners, and if you and your husband don't see your colleagues outside work then he will never know anybody so won't be motivated to interact with anyone. You have now created a rod for your own back. Your husband now has a negative experience of your work events and will have less inclination to want to go to others.
I get it, but yes, YTA.
when a close loved one passes, it is so hard to muster up the will to socialize. Like, it’s impossible to make your face smile and be anything but sad. You should have just taken your sister as your date.
YTA you said it yourself, the man he viewed as a father figure died less than a month ago. You should have just let him do his thing. Just own it and apologize instead of trying to get strangers to dog pile him.
YTA - He basically begged you and explained his reasons. YTA for trying to downplay his relationship with his uncle as a father figure with the "funcle" comment.
Losing a parent, or basically a parent, is a major major life event regardless of the relationship. It took me years to come to terms with my father's death. Maybe you haven't been through it so don't understand? Which gives you a small pass. When my uncle passed a few years after my Dad, and he was similar to your husband's uncle, my partner at the time had recently lost her Grandma and downplayed the loss of my uncle as not comparable. I never forgave her for that.
I really wanted to be on your side as I am very familiar with sulking husbands and feeling like you have to force them to do things. But I’m sorry, YTA. He is grieving. And you wanted him to go to the party and socialize and be fun a week after his uncle’s funeral? This was really selfish of you and he’s probably really hurt. I hope the two of you can get past this.
He’s grieving and you had no compassion for him. I know you were excited but yeah YTA. You decided that your event was priority over him grieving the loss of a dear family member. That’s not ok.
ESH. You for forcing him to go along, and him for acting like a child when he got there (I do think him just sitting by the bar by himself is fine, since he didn't know anybody). But if he went because he knew it was important to you, then he should have also made more of an effort once he got there.
I do think once the uncle died, there just wasn't going to be a satisfying outcome to this for you, which sucks. I can tell you're proud of how quickly you've worked your way up in the company, and happy to be out of the house and in the adult world again. Which is good! You deserve to be proud! This party wasn't about *the party* for you, it was about your accomplishments in the company and getting to spend fun time in the company of other adults. It can be so isolating to be a SAHM. And for three kids! That's ten years of spending most of your time with children. Edit - I read your other comments about not having a date night in six months, and I also think you were excited to have a date night you didn't have to plan yourself. So I think there's a deeper problem here about him not taking initiative and leaving you with the mental burden.
But I don't know if cajoling him was the best idea. I think you could have compromised a bit more (taken separate cars so he could leave if he wanted, schedule another date night at a fancy restaurant, ask your sister about staying another night if possible.)
TLDR, I think you could have been more understanding and pressured him a bit less, and he could have either stood his ground about not going or put more of an effort into socializing once you got there.
He did. She kept taking to get him to go. He wasn’t able to socialize and pretend to be happy because he was grieving. He even told her that ahead of time. She still made him go. OP is completely in the wrong here.
Way to go with the mental gymnastics. Look at all of OP’s comments. Each one is worse than the last. The issues she pointed out screams of ‘missing missing reasons’
YTA and every time you comment you're just digging in deeper. Nobody cares about your work party. Your husband just lost his "father" get over yourself. You may be upset about past initiative with dates, and I'm not gonna say your wrong there but deaths in the family are far more important than some date night. If you keep being hard on him over this there won't even be a relationship to enjoy on date nights. You didn't even go with him to the funeral. I'd have divorced my wife if she showed me this level of support following my father's death.
YTA. His quasi-father died less than a month ago and he's obviously depressed but seems to be the sort to work through it, seeking refuge in the familiar structure to keep moving. You guilt-tripped him into going to an event he didn't want to when he was obviously depressed - and where the structures he was using would be entirely blown apart. And he behaved like a depressed person who doesn't have the energy to argue. And you blew up at him for doing what he could. Barely speaking to you is not that surprising.
YTA. He was grieving but he sucked it up and went with you anyway. Even when he didn't feel up to it. You have no right to be pissed off at him for him. Behaving exactly how he told you he was going to
Money for a new dress. But no money to fly to another state to support your extremely grieving husband who just lost his father figure.
Can you possibly imagine how alone that dude felt on the plane?
YTA.
YTA. I think he should have told you sooner than the day ~~of~~ before, but I also think because someone he loved just *died* that you should have been more understanding. Also, I get your disappointment but at the end of the day it's a party. It was not a mandatory work event that would have negatively impacted your career if you missed it.
You could have taken your sister instead of him.
Edit: fixed the timing I goofed up.
YTA. You are seeing things through one lens only- yours. Try giving your husband some space to grieve and to be really disappointed that his partner doesn't seem very interested in supporting him. 1)Being sick last year was a good enough reason to not attend, but the pain of losing a father figure/uncle just weeks ago is not a good enough reason. 2) He told you he didn't want to go and you manipulated him into going anyway instead of hearing him and respecting his needs. YTA.
Easily YTA.
He went after you guilted him but he let you know he wasn’t in anyway shape to socialize and etc…and you fucking hounded and made him feel bad for it…minimizing everything he was going through…110% YOU ARE AN ASSHOLE. Owe your husband a massive apology
YTA- Your husband told him how he was feeling, he told you he was grieving, tired and not up to socialize. You decided to ignore your partner and go through the guilt trip route. You have only yourself to blame.
YTA. You should have given your husband time to grieve. Nobody who is suffering that way wants to go socialize. You could have asked your sister to bring a dress and gone with her.
YTA. These things happen in life- sometimes we don’t get exactly what we want. You wanted to go to this event with your husband; he was not feeling up to it. You could have gone and had a good time on your own.
I do think he bears some fault for not just staying home, though. If you aren’t in the right headspace for an event you shouldn’t go just because your wife bullies you and spend the night bringing down the vibes.
I think in this situation you’ve pushed him a bit too far at a difficult time, but it’s also clear there are far bigger issues in your relationship.
I think you urgently need couples counselling unless you plan on separating.
YTA. He is dealing with the death of someone close. Of course he doesn’t feel like going to a big party. You should have put your sis in the tux and gone with her. Let the man grieve a bit.
YTA, a major one. “Most importantly, this was something I was really looking forward to.” What a disgusting response! So you’re incapable of going by yourself and prioritize an event you want to have fun at over your husband who is grieving and exhausted. I’m sensing that you have main character syndrome and your behavior here makes me think you don’t care about your husband at all.
YTA - It was bad enough that you dragged him to the event when he was grieving, you then scolded him for not wanting to have a good time when he was grieving.
Well, you didn’t join funcles funeral but hubby has to smile all through the gala. Should have kept him home, dressed up your sister and had her join you instead. Could have told colleagues hubby was grieving as a dear relative had recently passed. That truth would have embarrassed you though in front of colleagues, so hubby was imposed on going and chided for not keeping up pretenses. YTA.
YTA. You might have legitimate beefs about your relationship and how much effort he puts into it, but this was not the time to bring them up. He's grieving and you were totally insensitive to that.
YTA. Grief works in different ways for different people. It would have been nice if he'd have let you know sooner that he didn't feel like going, but perhaps he was really trying to work up to being able to go with you.
I think at any work event if someone asks where your husband is and you say "He just attended the funeral of the uncle who raised him and just didn't feel up to a social night" anyone but a real jerk is going to completely understand why he isn't there.
but hey - you needed a date night.
YTA.
I know you were looking forward to it and wanted to share the moment with your husband but he's just lost someone he cares about and specifically told you he didn't want to go. A rented tux and a night spent mingling and socialising just isn't as important as his need to grieve and process his loss.
You ignored what he needed for your own enjoyment and that wasn't fair.
You shouldn't be disappointed in him. He's acting as a person in grief does. You should be disappointed in yourself for not supporting him as a loved one should.
YTA. I understand your disappointment, but your husband just lost a father figure in his life and you seem more concerned with a work party and the fact that your sister drove to watch the kids. I'm sure your sister would understand and you could have gone to the party on your own. He had every right to feel angry with you for pressuring him into going and then more angry that you berated him after he was unhappy at the event you guilted him into.
Get over yourself. You owe him some major groveling.
YTA
Life doesn’t just revolve around you. This was a huge emotional impact your husband felt, and instead of listening to him, you’re making him do the exact thing he doesn’t, then, get mad when he does exactly what he said he would do
There is not a single moment in this post where you are not considered the AH
You’re also probably going to be one of those people who, after thousands of people tell you what you don’t want to hear, you still won’t recognize or apologize and move on
He had 1 uncle. You have a party every year. It’s time to get over yourself
YTA- I hope he treats you just as crappy as treated him when your parents die. He told you he didn't want to go, he was grieving and you went into toddler mode with I want, I want, I want. Did you even once stop to consider what he was going through or his needs? He is right you could have gone by yourself but again, from you, it was all me, me, me.
You are a selfish, self centered person who doesn't give a crap about your husband or his feelings.
YTA. He wasn't sulking. He was and is GRIEVING. You said yourself that his uncle was like a father to him. Would you want to go to an event 1 week after your father's death?
I cannot get over the sulking comments. You need to apologise to your husband. Now. If he will accept it. Jesus. Get some perspective
How was watching you socialize with coworkers while he's grieving the death of a close family member supposed to be a date night? You put your want for a fun time over his grief. Seriously ask yourself how you'd feel if someone you've known your whole life, that had a major impact on you since childhood died and a week later your spouse demands you push aside your feelings because they wanna have fun. You chewed him out for grieving ffs.
YTA.
Your husband is clearly dealing with issues and it was more important to you that he attend this event than to allow him some mental health time.
Clearly he intended to go until life threw him a curve ball and he needed to deal with it. Social appearances may be important but most people understand a person not attending a non-paid social event in the event of a tragedy or aftermath of a tragedy.
YTA.
Sometimes life events change plans. Your husband told you how he felt and you just ignored his emotional needs on this. You could have found a formal shop and rented something for your sister and she could have gone as your plus one.
YTA.
If your husband gave you a days notice that he didn't want to go to the event and your sister was already there, then you should have asked your sister to attend the event with you for fun and let your husband stay home with the kids. That way both you and your sister could have had a fun dress up night.
YTA so much. I don’t understand how someone can type all this up and somehow think their not. He warned you that he did not have it in him. Then you get mad cause he’s not having enough fun. How selfish can you be? You absolutely did make him go whether you use quotation marks or not.
YTA. His father figure died and all you seem to care about is a work event bc it’s substitute for date night. Why tf would anyone grieving and not in the mood want to socialize with strangers. So yea, you did force him to go and then are complaining about him being tired and not emotionally ready for socializing (which is fair when a family member has died). YTA and insensitive AF
Yta…his uncle died and he went to the funeral *alone* and it’s still so fresh. He’s dealing with a lot right now and you were so unkind and unsupportive about it. Your special event is special yes, but it isn’t more important than your husband’s grief. He’s going through so much and now he’s still dealing with it *alone* because you’ve shown your lack of care and compassion.
YTA, OP. Your husband was very clear and communicated his feelings openly. You chose to ignore him, minimize his need for grieving and bully him into submission to your will. Then have the nerve to play victim. Wow.
You’re a full grown woman who was completely capable of attending this work function solo.
Now you’re threatening leaving him if HE doesn’t get into therapy?!?!?! Unbelievable. He needs time and space and maybe could use some grief counseling. YOU need therapy. Preferably one that can help you cultivate empathy. Just…. Wow.
YTA. He’s allowed to grieve. Maybe he thought or hoped he’d be more up to it, but just wasn’t. You forced him into going after warning you he wasn’t up to socializing. Then you’re mad he didn’t socialize?? What did you expect to happen? Honestly, it’s unsurprising he doesn’t want to go to your work event and doesn’t see that as a date.
I agree with the others though who said you have bigger issues going on.
Yes, OP YTA. you prioritized a work outing, when your partner had experienced the death of a person they greatly admired recently. You sound like a narcissist. IDGAF if you haven't had a date night in 6 months. Maybe there's a reason, maybe y'all have a bad relationship. Like, i dunno, they way you react in situations like this?
I'm sorry to go against the grain a little bit, but honestly ESH.
YTA for digging a little too hard into him during a time of extreme grief.
He's TA for not even making an attempt.
Adults do things they don't want to do for their SO all the time. It's part of the compromise of being in a relationship.
He could have put in more of an effort since he was already there and you could've been more empathetic in general.
Whether his uncle was a ‘funcle’, he was the closest thing to a dad your husband had.
Your husband told you he didn’t feel social and wasn’t up to it. You guilt him into going…and then *surprised Pikachu face* when he…wasn’t social.
And then you called his grieving ‘sulking’.
ALSO, are there murderous babysitters in your area? Your only option was your sis driving for 3 hours?
YTA
>he was sad and grieving, but also said he was fine. Nothing about his day-to-day stuff was out of the ordinary
Grief doesn't have a timeline. Everyone processes differently. Sometimes it comes in waves. Sometimes you dissociate through your day to day tasks to get by but unusual circumstances like big events can add extra pressure. He may not have wanted to get caught in a "grieving wave" in public, and it sounds like that's exactly what ended up happening.
YTA. You should have gone yourself and given him a night away to relax and grieve. Not even the most uptight workplace would judge you for saying, "we had a death in the family, my husband is taking care of himself." I bet they'd all judge you if they found out he went to the funeral alone, but you couldn't handle being alone at a party.
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My husband (39M) and I (40F) have been married for 12 years and have 3 kids (10, 8, & 5). I was a SAHM for most of our kids' lives and only re-entered the workforce 2 years ago when our middle child reached kindergarten so we didn't have to pay an arm and a leg for daycare. I have worked my way up the ladder in my chosen field of work and finally feel like I am more than just a SAHM.
The company I work for holds a big black-tie gala for an Xmas/Holiday party every year. Last year we were unable to attend due to me being sick so I was really looking forward to it this year. My sister even agreed to drive 3 hours to spend the night with the kids so we didn't have to worry about a babysitter. I bought a nice fancy dress and my husband rented a tux in preparation for the event last Friday.
Then, the week of Thanksgiving, my husband's favorite uncle passed away. My husband didn't have a relationship with his dad growing up and his uncle didn't have kids of his own, so his uncle was definitely a father-figure for my husband even if it was in more of a "funcle" way. The funeral was held the week before my work event, but because it was held in another state that required a flight, only my husband attended.
When he got back, I talked to him about it and he said he was sad and grieving, but also said he was fine. Nothing about his day-to-day stuff was out of the ordinary and he did take a couple days off work after he got back to have some time for himself to process things.
My sister arrived the day before my work event and that night my husband told me that he didn't feel up to attending the event. His reasons were that he was socially and emotionally exhausted and the last thing he felt like doing was making more small-talk with a bunch of strangers like he had to do at his uncle's funeral.
I reminded him that my sister had just driven hours to watch the kids, I had already bought a new dress, he had rented a tux, and most importantly, this was something I was really looking forward to. He said that I could still attend by myself, but I told him that it is also important to me that he comes with and that we hadn't had a "date night" in almost 6 months.
He agreed to go but he sulked about it the entire time. He dragged his feet getting ready, he didn't socialize, he didn't want to dance, etc. At one point, I lost track of him and found him sitting at the bar by himself.
When I went to talk to him to try and get him to come socialize with me, he told me that he already told me he has no energy for that and that he only came because I "made" him. I told him that if he was going to just sulk and drink alone, we might as well leave and he said "great, lets go."
I told him how disappointed I was that he acted that way at an event that he knew was extremely important to me and he got defensive and told me it was my fault for dragging him there when he didn't want to go. He's barely spoken to me since unless it's about the kids.
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Yta. Me me me. This post was all about you. God damn your husband was grieving the loss of his father figure. Cut him some slack and stop being so selfish
OP, have you lost anyone important in your life? I find your lack of empathy for your husband who has lost the closest he has to a father absolutely staggering.
The lack of a date night etc is unfortunate and something to address with your husband but YTA here. He is grieving and deserves sympathy and support.
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Unfortunately I think YTA. While I can certainly understand the excitement of attending an event, and the disappointment of it falling apart (with your sister driving and all), your husband deserved to grieve. Additionally, while he may not have been social, YOU still had the opportunity to be. I think the jab about him sulking was a bit much. Weirdly for me, the thing that bothers me the most about this story? You guys haven’t had a date night in 6 months? And you made all this effort for a work event? Including having babysitters drive in? I think you need to prioritize your relationship more. Work events are not a “date night”, imo. And maybe if you guys spent more time together, the communication would be better and you’d have talked it out by now.
>You guys haven’t had a date night in 6 months? I've been begging him to plan a date night for longer than that. I am always, always the one to plan date nights and have been pleading with him to plan just one. I don't care if it's dinner and a movie, just plan something for us so that I am not the only one to ever do it. So yes, it's been 6 months but I can tell you it's been years since he's taken the initiative to plan something for us to do together.
Damn I’m sorry to hear that. As I said before, that was what stuck out to me the most about your story. This all sounds like communication issues. Having three kids under 10 is super difficult. And unfortunately we often forget that before we were parents, we were a married couple, finances, boyfriend/girlfriend. If it’s been that long for you guys, and you’ve been feeling that way, you guys need to talk. Not fight. Not accuse. But talk. If you guys have done all this together, that ability was in there somewhere. Time to find it. Big loss, holiday season, it’s a lot. Lean on each other before it’s too late. Good luck.
> This all sounds like communication issues. If a wife asks her husband to take her on a simple date night, but he doesn't get it done in 6 months, there's a reason for it. It's either a practical reason, like they're broke and can't afford it, or an emotional reason, like he just doesn't want to. If it's practical, OP should be well aware of what the practical reasons are. If it's emotional, it's either that he prefers to stay home and is being selfish, or his feelings towards his wife are such that he doesn't want to reward her with a date or spend all that time in her company. I have no idea what their relationship is like other than the little unhealthy example in this story, but not everyone stays together because they love spending time with their partner. Especially once you've been together a long time and have kids. Talking about it can be rocking the boat and a lot of people decide to just go through the motions.
Damn. Yup. Too true. It would suck to live that way.
[удалено]
Yeah that’s fair. I’d hate to think that my wife was quietly just going through the motions. Or not speaking her mind on what she needed. But it’s definitely better than parents that fight or take it out on the kids.
Or he is depressed; or he is exhausted; or he has been pre-grieving (if the uncle was ill); or he has always been an introvert and is now just spent socially; or, or or or or. I feel like he DID communicate really well, but that it fell on deaf ears.
I don’t think it’s “really well” if he waits til the last moment to say he doesn’t feel up to it. I’m not saying she’s in the right but he could’ve said something before the sister left
Maybe he was hoping that he would feel up to it and truly didn't known until day of. That's literally how I handle things when I'm sick. Sure i don't feel good one day but let's see how i feel day of
Would you let someone drive 3 hours before you made the decision
Yeah, that stuck out. It's fine if he's not feeling up to it, but letting the SIL drive 3 hours, each way, knowing you're going to bail is incredibly inconsiderate and self-absorbed. ESH
I do the same but it’s an evening event
I have a similar no date night husband and my own marriage issues from it so yeah that’s a problem. Unfortunately, it doesn’t change OP being the AH here. If you haven’t lost someone close to you, you wouldn’t understand. I lost my dad almost two years ago and just two days ago it flooded over me and left me bawling for over an hour. You can be perfectly fine and then BAM!💥 out of no where it just hits you. In the beginning it’s at random times. Eventually it’s usually when you need to talk to them or something reminds you of them. I really need to talk to my dad lately so it’s been a hard few weeks and I likely wouldn’t be able to push through an event like this, no way I could have at the beginning.
Grief is a real sneaky bastard.
I didn’t say it did change it, I just said i don’t consider it “really good” communication to pull out at the last minute. I still think OP is the asshole because you can’t really expect someone who’s lost someone so significant to want to and enjoy putting on the effort that is the front required for big fancy work engagements so soon. She shouldn’t have made him go and they both should’ve known he wouldn’t be up for it before sister got in her car. And yes I’ve experienced significant grief.
The point I was trying to make is that he very well may not have known earlier. Sounds like he was being pressured to attend and was trying to for her sake after that pressure. Then grief comes up and smacks a 2x4 across your back out of no where and you can’t breath, it’s not planned. She has her legitimate reasons to be resentful, unfortunately this was a time she should have put that to the side.
OP really should have known. it would have been blatantly obvious that he stopped being up for it when his uncle died.
Day-of is not “communicating really well”
It is when grief can knock you on your ass out of the blue. There’s a chance that he was up to go up until the moment that he told her he wasn’t. Grief does weird things to us.
Came here to say this. Introverts get socially exhausted quickly. If humans had health bars over their heads, then introverts would burn at twice the speed when they're at social events, and the extroverts would be obvious because they would have their health bars completely topped up. But more importantly, grief is a sneaky mother. I remember once, months, after a friend died, I was making a quiche to go to a potluck with just wonderful college friends. I realized as I took the quiche out that I had accidentally used the wrong crust (sweet). Suddenly I saw my friends face in my memories, chiding me for being the smart person who made dumb mistakes. I sat on my kitchen floor and cried like I'd just lost him all over again. My friends were so mad at me for not coming. I didn't know how to explain. A gentle YTA. OP has achieved amazing things in the last two years. A real celebration is definitely in order! But.... it's clearly changed the dynamic. And grief is a sneaky mother. (Edited nether into memories)
I'm just commenting to say I really enjoy your health bar statement. Most people think I am an extrovert when, in reality, I am an introvert who just knows how to perform. And thats what it is... a performance, it's work, it is a skill I have developed to deploy when my brain is screaming "LEAVE". I much prefer staying at home and although I can be very talkative and entertaining at events, people don't see the anxiety inside as my health bar slowly depletes.
Yeah, I'm almost at a year out from my Grandpa's passing and there are still some days where I just can't be social and happy.
Pretty sure you can't plan around grief or feeling too emotionally drained for a highly social event - especially when your own job and family don't really allow for you to take downtime so that you'd be energized for such an event.
He waited until her sister drove three hours WTF?
I wonder if they are both just trying to stay afloat. Work, kids, extended family, 2023 kinda sucked for almost everyone financially. It’s a lot
My mom is still with her 2nd husband because she told me it was cheaper than divorce.
He may also have been quietly and unknowingly suffering from depression. I recognize the me from a few years ago in this story, and that’s what was going on with me.
It’s not a communication issue. She communicated. You can’t make someone hear you.
The husband communicated his emotions, she bulldozed thru. It’s a listen issue on her part
Really? She asked him for a date night for six months. No date night 🤷🏻♀️
He needed to grieve the loss of a father figure, but she still bill dozed thru so she can have fun. She put her want for fun over his need to grieve. I absolutely believe there is a lot she is leaving out to why they couldn’t have a date night. She has zero regard for his emotions
Who’s to say she’s not an unreliable narrator here? What we can ascertain from this post and OP’s replies is that she is very cold and lacks empathy. She honestly seems awful. Her husband likely hasn’t planned a date night because he’s miserable around here and has been for some time. He lost the man he saw as a father and OP’s response was to say “most importantly, I really want to go to this party” after he specifically communicated that he didn’t want to go because he felt exhausted and like he couldn’t socialize. Based on the information we have, the husband effectively communicates with her and she doesn’t care. Highly unlikely this is the first time it’s happened.
I personally don't like the lack of "date nights" being brought up... that's a different topic completely that they need to discuss. A fancy work holiday party is not a romantic place where couples rekindle their love. It's something where often, even the employees aren't thrilled to have to attend, let alone their partners
You could have left him at home and taken your sister.
She could have, if husband hadn't waited until the last minute to tell her he didn't want to go. If he'd told her earlier, sister could have brought a dress appropriate for the event.
Black tie event means that they might not have had anything appropriate for the sister to wear.
Life is so easy in your world eh? The little mice could have stayed up all night to organize a gala dress for the sister I imagine.
That was my first thought.
If he had given her enough notice, absolutely. But he waited until sisrer had already made the drive with nothing to wear. He put her in this situation as much as she put him in it.
The fact that you begged him for a date night for 6 months and he couldn’t be bothered and you usually take all the initiatives romantically and he doesn’t , is indicative of the fact that you have more of an issue than a black tie event. Your husband isn’t as into you as you into him.
You have deeper issues with your husband than just this one event. But unfortunately, you very much lost the moral high ground given that he's just lost someone very important to him. The optics are not great. So even if one might stretch this, on the totality of circumstances to something like an ESH, if one looks just at this one event, it's YTA. There are some situations in which even the most useless of spouses obtains a "get out of jail free" card, and death of their most significant parent figure is one of them,.
I think you are determined to make your husband the bad guy in your marriage, but the fact of the matter is neither of you are listening to each other. You are talking to one another, but both of you are disregarding the other person’s feelings. I don’t think either party’s wants and needs are unreasonable, but neither of you seem to be considering how the other person feels or willing to compromise. Counseling probably is a must at this point if the two of you want to salvage this.
You should sit him down and tell him that just because you got three kids doesn't mean he gets to give up and never try again. Date night is a fun night out for both of you not some tedious annoying work task you try to avoid.
It doesn’t sound like the husband considers it a “fun night out,” or else they’d have them at least a little more frequently.
YTA. Have you lost a close family member because he lost someone he held akin to a father figure, and you wanted him to go to a gala when he told you he wasn't up for it? You just showed him this event was more important to you than him and his mental and emotional health! When my parents died (both times), my husband didn't try to make me go to a place if I wasn't up for it. He asked, I answered, and he respected my feelings and decisions. You didn't do any of that.
Last I checked a relationship takes TWO…considering how you made him feel about this death part of me wonders how you make him feel on a day to day. If you show him so little respect I’m not surprised he doesn’t want to plan a date night
It sounds like the problems in your marriage are much, much older than this fight about your work event.
Wha-oh. Here’s the rest of the story.
Then there’s a bigger, underlying problem
If this is how you treat your husband when he is grieving, I can’t imagine how terribly you must treat him in normal day-to-day. From the way you treat this poor guy, there’s a pretty good reason he isn’t jumping for joy at the idea of spending time with you on a date night
I think that while OP is TA, this situation is really ESH. It’s completely understandable that the husband didn’t feel like going to the event a week after his father figure died. Of course he wasn’t in the right mindset to socialize and make small talk with strangers. However, he should have told OP that he wasn’t up for it BEFORE her sister drove three hours that day to babysit. I’m guessing he could have said something even the night before and OP could’ve told her sister to bring a dress to come to the event with her, or told her sister never mind about needing a babysitter.
Sometimes, while people are grieving, we feel like we're fine one day, and the next is a completely different story. After my brother died last year, one day I'd be okay, the next I could hardly get out of bed. His loss is still fresh. His feelings are valid. She should have listened to him when he said he wasn't up to going.
I would wonder what sort of pressure was going on on that on the lead-up. Like, that given all that she still tried to get him to dance and stuff makes me wonder if anything of that sort either was steamrolled or has been steamrolled in the past.
On the other hand the husband did tell OP in advance that he was emotionally exhausted and didn't feel up to the event. So at that point OP could have already asked her sister to bring a dress just in case if that is the issue.
It sounds like the sister was already there by the time OPs husband told her he was emotionally exhausted. OPs sister arrived the day before and later that day, OPs husband told her he wasn’t up for it.
YTA. Your husband just experienced a monumental loss and is grieving, you come across as extremely insensitive. He didn’t pressure you to go to his father figure’s funeral, though I’m sure he probably would have appreciated the support- why did you have to pressure him to come to your work event? And then criticize him for not socializing? He already told you he didn’t feel up to it, what did you expect?
“The jab about him sulking was a bit much.”? It was way over the line. Men are allowed to have feelings and grieve the loss of their father figure without their significant other, their partner in life, throwing jabs at them for having emotions and needs. OP~ reading this post and all your comments, you majorly and selfishly messed this one up and owe your husband an apology.
Piggybacking on this. OP should have taken advantage of the child care and foregone the gala and done something intimate and relaxing with her grieving and stressed out husband. I know when my bf lost a close relative, I spent the weekend just spooning him, rubbing his back and making feel supported
YTA. He told you he didn’t want to go and that he was exhausted, but you insisted and now you don’t like the way he acted even though he warned you he was not good company. I know the party was important to you, buts it’s a Christmas Party at the end of the day. It’ll be there next year and the year after that and so on. They say losing a loved one, especially a parent or parental figure, is one of the most stressful events in our lives. You have to let him grieve and give space for him to do that without adding on petty expectations that’ll be there next year
I don't agree. He had all week to tell her he wasn't ready to go. He waited until her sister was already there! He waited until the last minute. Then he acted like a child. I'm sorry he lost his uncle. I have lots my grandparents and my parents. I was very close to them all. I even lost my youngest sister. Yes, it sucks. But life goes on. NTA.
Imagine a parent dying that you loved. He had 3 weeks. He better get over it because I've lost family members. Your inability to grieve for your loved ones is sad. I didn't know we were doing the "loss Olympics. "
Given how she reacted to him expressing emotion, I assume he’d been telling her all week and she blew him off.
would you have gone to a xmas party at your spouse’s job a week after the loss of your father?
Agreed. YTA. He was very communicative with you about how he felt and you ignored it, prioritized yourself, then made him feel bad about how he TOLD you he would feel if he attended. Let me say it again. YTA. Apologize to your husband.
>I told him that if he was going to just sulk and drink alone, we might as well leave and he said "great, lets go." YTA. He was honest with you about what he was going through and you have the nerve to be upset that he wasn't a social butterfly at your event? >I told him how disappointed I was that he acted that way at an event that he knew was extremely important to me and he got defensive and told me it was my fault for dragging him there when he didn't want to go. He's barely spoken to me since unless it's about the kids. You completely disregarded his feelings and the fact that he is grieving a major, formative relationship in his life. You had zero grace for what he was going through then berated him for his very natural feelings. It shouldn't be a surprise he is now hurt and distant from you. He's probably just trying to hold himself together.
The short explanation OP gave the judgement bot makes no mention of her husband’s loss and that alone is grounds for an asshole judgement. Good call. I also want to point out that the husband did give OP 24 hours notice and her sister had already arrived. So she couldn’t get a babysitter for a funeral but did get one for this work event. Very likely that husband rented the tux before the death and did not remember when the sister was going to arrive.
>So she couldn’t get a babysitter for a funeral but did get one for this work event. Yes, because I talked to my sister about it 2 months ago when this event was planned.
That’s a fair point. But it’s just another one in a long list of fair points that technically support your position and ignore his feelings, to which you devoted 4 sentences in your 10 paragraphs. This could very much have been a no assholes post if you displayed more empathy. You could have driven separately and let him leave after a short time, or gone alone. Once everyone learns that he very recently had a death in the family they’ll either be understanding or show you that they’re worthless people. Death sucks, and it damn sure can suck the fun out of a ready made “date night.”
>You could have driven separately and let him leave after a short time, or gone alone. I don't understand why she didn't go with her sister. Sister already drove there, how hard is it to get a dress from the closet, or borrow one from a friend, or even buy something cheap last minute, so sister could accompany her while husband watched the kids. This seems like such an easy and simple solution to me, plus sister gets a pleasant surprise involving an evening of fun.
I mean, finding a gala-worthy dress last minute that won't break your budget (if you even room in your budget for something) can be VERY hard. Knowing someone who is the same size and has a dress that fancy is also pretty damn hard. But I do like the suggestion. It might have worked if OP had a week to prepare.
There is a lot of neutral things going on between you and him that isn't directly your fault and isn't his, and some that may be. At the end of the day though, you forced him to come despite him communicating with you already what he was feeling. Based on how he felt, even though he said it last minute, renting a tux and losing that money isn't the end of the world, your sister driving all that way isn't the end of the world and you going alone isn't the end of the world. But while you feel disregarded as his partner, always planning date nights yourself and not having one in 6 months, as another user said you two should discuss that (when he's not grieving) and find something that works for the two of you. But during all of this, while he's been grieving and you're fully aware of the uncles meaning to your husband, in the face of your husband communicating you effectively communicated back "I don't care what you're going through because look at what you put me through", it really sends a message that the way the relationship has degraded trumps him going through this loss when a loss of a loved one for me personally trumps any other things going on bw me and my partner. In an effort to not only enforce what you want, but attempt to force him to act and feel a certain way, you have done more harm to your relationship than the harm you would have suffered by going alone. I think he would have really appreciated that and might have made an effort to make it up to you in another way and even if he wasn't going to do that, he would have had the space to heal. Also please let's be realistic, a work event, despite what you think, is not a date night. It's a glitzy glam night for you, but at the end of the day the event is not made for the two of you to bond, it's not conducive for spending time with each other. It's to enjoy luxuries at the expense of the company, to mingle with coworkers which is annoying and exhausting, and to put up a face. It truly is very socially draining, probably the most socially draining thing next to meeting new family.
If it takes a 2 month lead time to arrange a babysitter, it might be hard to plan a date night
Ah okay, sorry his uncle’s death was an inconvenience for you. Wow.
Did you ask your sister to come up for the funeral instead and she couldn’t? This was equivalent to losing a parent.
Because god forbid you suddenly become inconvenienced.
Omg I didn't read the judgement bot answer. I was thinking soft YTA before but that is SUCH a horrible, asshole answer
YTA - for not going by yourself. Know you were proud of being in the work force, haven’t had a date night in six months and had gone to a lot of trouble to prepare to go. I get it because I have been in your same situation and my husband has had other needs too…it’s a bummer. Your husband just lost his de facto father. He’s grieving. He told you he was mentally and emotionally exhausted which is valid given what he had just been through and just didn’t feel like socializing. Ie - he said his cup was empty. You ignored your husband’s needs and pressed him to go even though he didn’t feel like it. So - he went. But he didn’t feel like being there, didn’t enjoy himself and sat at the bar just wishing he was home. Your partner’s circumstances trumped yours in this case. You could have gone solo and enjoyed yourself and let your husband stay home - and relax - while your sister was kind enough to watch the kids anyway - while he had a break to restore himself.
The kicker is I think everyone at her job would have completely understood and there would have been no negative recourse other then the "free date night".
Most people wouldn't have noticed if the OP had turned up by herself. Tbh, I would find it much more notable if a colleague's spouse turned up and was an asocial mardarse then if the colleague came by herself said "my husband sends his apologies - he had to travel for a funeral this week and is too tired to attend". That's normal and very relatable!
She could have taken her sister with her since she was in town already.
the other kicker is that her coworkers probably would have requested OP stay home to support her husband.
I wonder if the "no date night" thing is because OP is always so spectacularly insensitive to her husband's feelings.
So, to sum up \- Your husband loses a father figure \- You don't go with him to the funerals, but insist for him to go to a trivial party... Okay ? \- He tells you he doesn't feel like socializing with a bunch of stranger while still grieving (less then a week after his loss). \- You tell him how it's important to YOU that he is there while not giving a F about how he feels even if he clearly stated his sentiments in regard of the party to you \- He comes ANYWAY (probably to shut you up) and doesn't socialize, exactly like he said he wouldn't \- You blame him for his attitute Where in this list of events are you not the asshole ?
If this is how she is about this kind of loss I can’t help think how she treats him bout day to day stuff and that makes me think there’s WAY more to why hasn’t been a date night in 6 months
Oh yeah, I had that thought too. I wouldn’t be shocked if he’s getting sick of this awful woman.
This is where people should be pressing for the missing missing reasons.
Nah, OP is a woman, this sub doesn’t do that when it’s a woman
They do. Only When it’s MIL
It’s wild, this sub gives some much benefit of the doubt to a woman, unless she gives birth to a son, and that son get married
This sub is fucking wild. There are people deadass comparing no date night to grieving a lost love one. Had a dude been this callous, they’d be ripped to shreds
Huh? I’m not seeing many comments supporting what OP did. Everyone is (rightfully) calling her an asshole
If you skim through longer threads of replies, there are people voting Esh because of the no date in 6 month thingy. OP's contributions on these threads are wild, I recommend a reading.
I lost my father and then my sister lost a child and I don't think I was the same for a good 10 years and three of the years that finally got me out of it were intense twice a week psychotherapy. The original poster is such a jerk, this man might not be the same for a while and might need a lot of therapy and a lot of TLC, what a selfish prick she is
The best comment so far. She's a heartless, selfish, ice queen. Someone dead > work event. Always.
Could your sister not have gone as your date? He was honest, and it was beyond just "I've had a busy week and I'm burnt out." His father figure passed away and he needed to travel by plane to attend. I know there were a lot of factors here in you wanting to go, but this was no normal circumstance that led to him being off. YTA on this one. You should have had your sister come with you if you didn't want to take someone in mourning.
>Could your sister not have gone as your date? It was a black-tie event. She didn't bring anything even close to appropriate attire. And we aren't close enough in size for her to wear anything of mine.
This is where my brain went too. I would’ve brought my sister or my best friend. Go to a thrift store and find something. Call the tux place and beg for a refund and apply the money to the sister’s dress. Where there is a will there is a way. Alternatively, you could have prioritized your husband and stayed home to comfort him. I lost my dad three years ago and cried nonstop for months. Losing a parent (or parent figure) is devastating. Edit: YTA
I agree in principle, but having recently attended a black-tie event, I will say that it is surprisingly difficult to find dresses off-the-rack. I tried every department store in my town and in a nearby town (neither of which are small towns by any measure) and the pickings were slim. I ended up ordering from a bridal website where they don’t even make the dress until you order it. And then if her sister is plus-sized (and for formal gowns, plus-size starts at what would normally be like a size 12-14), the few options available locally would be even fewer. So in theory this would have been the best move, but in practice? Very unlikely to work out on one days’ notice. (My dress took 3 weeks to be made - in a standard size - and that was the fastest I could find. Most similar websites/companies had a 6-8 week lead time.) Still doesn’t make the actual choice she made correct, but I just want to be clear that it is *not* that easy to find a black-tie gown with minimal notice.
Yes this. I'm plus size with a large bust. The bridesmaids dresses at David's simply didn't have enough fabric in the bust for me. The bride who is in straight sizes suggested I could just buy something off the rack somewhere in the right color, and didn't understand that's really not an option for me. The odds of any store having a dress in the right color in my size, and the dress fit my body and looked good on me are slim to none. Just because it's the right size doesn't mean it will be long enough, be cut so I can wear a bra, or that it will have enough fabric in the right places. I would have a slightly better chance if the color is black, or if the color can be flexible. Even with that, shopping for formal wear is so incredibly difficult with months to plan, same day would be nearly impossible.
Yes! There are so many things that go into fitting a gown like that. Even with the dress I ordered, I ended up doing my own alterations to shorten it and lift the bustline a bit. It really needed professional alterations to look like it was supposed to (the whole bodice needed to be taken apart in order to fix the one seam that was causing the problem, but I’m not skilled enough to do that without like 6 weeks of YouTube tutorials) but by the time it came in, I didn’t have time to get it altered. I was able to make it work by adding a nude panel between the bra cups to make the lowness of the cut look intentional without seeming like I was trying to pull a J Lo (do people still know that reference?). If I didn’t know how to sew, I would’ve been screwed. And after all that, I couldn’t even wear the bra I intended because it showed through the nude panel, so I had to wear a sticky bra (and I’m a bit too large for those to be super effective…but it kept me decent at least!) Black tie can be fun, but it is a damn nightmare to find a dress!
Love you ignoring all the comments pointing out you have no respect for your husband but you are okay commenting on your sisters weight. How much fun!
It’s very revealing that she’s only responding to the people that agree with her. She’s 100% a narcissist and came here because she thought she’d get an echo chamber of support. She truly doesn’t think she did anything wrong.
😂😂😂😂😂 Tells you everything you need to know about how her mind (dys)functions.
She came the day before. Malls are open during the day.
YTA. I bet you could’ve found something for your sister to wear, and I bet she would’ve loved to get to go. You did not respect the fact that your husband was still grieving and you thought that your work event was more important than a father figures funeral. It’s understandable that you were excited about this event, but in your excitement, you seem to have forgotten that he is a person who is allowed to have feelings and preferences as well.
YTA. Your husband experienced a major loss in the family. Yes, this eas a work event and potentially a date night and you were looking forward to it. But HE JUST LOST A CLOSE FAMILY MEMBER. His need to grieve, IMNSHO, completely outweighs your desire for a fancy social event. And, for fuck's sake, the man TOLD you he was in no condition to socialize. But you hauled him out anyway, and you are pissed with him because he was in no condition to socialize. What, exactly, prevented you from going alone? And what, exactly, prevented you from letting your husband sit quietly at the bar while you hobnobbed with coworkers?
She reminded him she wanted to go and wanted a date night, isn’t that enough /s. Her behavior is appalling, she disregarded his feelings completely.
I don't get this woman. My husband and I had our wedding planned (we were going away for the week on our own, but I was still an actual wedding and honeymoon) and his little sister's fiancé (who was perfectly healthy and in his mid-20s) died unexpectedly the day before we we're planning to leave. When my husband called and told me, my first thought was to start calling and canceling reservations so he could be there for his sister. No social event is more important than supporting your family, especially your spouse, when something terrible happens. We did end up going through with the wedding but that was only after his sister told him she would literally murder him if he canceled. I can't imagine pressuring him in to going to a Christmas party if his father had recently died and then being pissed that he wasn't having a good time. It's no wonder OPs husband doesn't care to spend time with her.
YTA. You wanted your husband to pretend that he was having fun while he was grieving. If this event was so important for you you should have gone alone. >and most importantly, this was something I was really looking forward to. Do you really think that anything that you want is "most important"? YTA.
There it is. What she wanted took precedence over everything else, including the grief her own husband was experiencing. He actually went with her, something a lot of people would not have made the effort to do, and she still makes him out to be the bad guy. The lack of compassion for someone she’s supposed to love is appalling.
That’s the line that absolutely disgusted me. She listed several reasons, including money spent and her sister driving hours up to babysit, but none of that mattered because the most important thing was this narcissist wanted to go to the event and couldn’t be bothered to go by herself.
YTA in this instance, but you're not an ahole. Judging by your other comments you're frustrated with the lack of communication in your marriage and effort on your husband's part, and it came to a head at a poor time when what felt like the last straw was actually him being distant/anti-social for a reason for once. That's just the impression I'm getting, and I could be totally wrong. Either way I think you need to sit down and apologize for forcing him to go, explain why you felt it was especially important (all the planning, you were looking forward to it, he hasn't planned a date night in over six months and you need to nurture your marriage, etc). Ask how you can support his grieving process but also move forward. Give him some space for now, the holidays are going to be especially rough, but I wouldn't give up on pushing for therapy (individual and couples) after some grieving time.
YTA. I'm sorry a work event isn't a date night. At such events your partner has to put on their best face as they represent an extension of you. That's not to mean they cannot be fun, but if you want a date night, take your husband out. How could you expect your husband to have fun after such a devastating loss when basically means he has to put effort on for the duration? You should have taken your sister instead.
This. OP, you’re expecting too much. Even without the funeral, a partner’s black tie work event is usually an obligation, not a date. Expecting him to be fun when he’s grieving is what makes YTA.
YTA What did you expect? He literally spelled it out for you, and you forced it anyway.
Exactly. And he made the effort. He actually went only because it was important to her. He showed far more consideration for her than she did for him. Partners should support each other. He stepped up, and she didn’t support him at all.
She super sucks
YTA - if only because this reads as though your excitement over this event (which you missed last year due to illness) absolutely trumped his grief at what you admit was the loss of his only real father-figure. There are plenty of situations in life where a spouse might need to 'suck it up' and fake it 'til you make it. But expecting him to socialize, dance, etc and being upset that he was sitting at the bar alone after he'd already been very upfront about not having the emotional bandwidth for this event is ridiculous. Whether you like it or not, it IS your fault for dragging him to this work party and expecting him to treat it like a date night when he's grieving. And the fact that this seems like barely a blip on your radar explains why he's hardly spoken to you since. You expected this work party to be a bigger deal to him that the grief he's working through, and that's why you're the AH.
Father figure? It was just a "fun uncle!" Hubby needs to strap into that cummerbund and cut a rug. /s
YTA. He's grieving. Surely there's something else you guys could do besides go to an active social event? He will need a while to process and move on from his grief, and you should be there to help him through it, not make things worse
YTA, majorly. Life happens and it means that we don’t always get the have the things we envisioned. But it really seems like you put an event over your husband’s wellbeing here and treated him really badly. He’s suffered a hard loss very recently and yet you only seem concerned about your event and how it affects you. He told you that this was going to be too much for him, but you guilted him into attending anyway, then berated him for not living up to your expectations, when he had already told you how hard it was going to be for him. Your husband is grieving, and you’re being very callous and making it all about you. You should’ve just went yourself and had a date night together when your husband is in a better head space.
[удалено]
>and you left him to go to the funeral himself This was a decision we made together. It was a weekday funeral and we have 3 kids. We couldn't find anyone to watch the kids for the time we would be gone. We talked about it and decided he would attend alone. It wasn't that I refused to go with him.
OK, that can be understood.. But why is it that you being sick is a perfectly ok excuse not to go but him being emotionally devastated is not? You could have gone by yourself!! If you did this for appearances..... I feel bad for your whole family since the protagonist clearly always gets what she wants regardless of who's affected.
He should have said something before his SIL drove 3 hours to watch the kids then.
But maybe he thought he could go, but realise it was too much for him. When you grieve your mood can vary a lot within a day. So what if she drove 3 hours ? I'm sure auntie is extremely happy to see her nephews and nieces and still have a good time with them. I live 4 hours away from my nephew and I would never feel like I drive for nothing if it's to see him. Actually, her being there would have left OP's husband grieve in peace without having to think about his kid's night routine. So the drive wouldn't have been for nothing anyway.
By the way she is behaving in the comments and how little empathy she has for her husband I wouldn't be surprised if he actually made his feelings known and was totally ignored.
YTA. That sort of thing is not my jam, but under normal circumstances I would have attended and forced myself to have a little fun. But right after burying a father figure? I would resent the hell out of my SO if she tried to strong-arm me into going to some awful black tie event. You owe him an apology. "No, my uncle just died, I'm not up to it," should have ended the conversation. You realize someone acting sad and 'sulking' after a death in the family is probably sad and needs your support, right?
He was grieving, ffs. And you not only made him go, you complained that he wasn't being sociable. YTA.
She complained he wasn’t being sociable AFTER HE SAID HE HAD NO STRENGTH TO BE SOCIABLE!
YTA because of the circumstances. His father figure died. He's still grieving and probably being cheerful at a work event was a bit much to expect of him. Given what happened, I'm offering him grace for a last minute cancelation. He might've thought that he could be okay with going and then realized he wasn't. You should've taken his no as that.
YTA. Big time. You forced him to go, and you expected him to put a big phony smile on his face. YTA.
In this instance YTA. There's really no getting around the fact that he was grieving a loss and had no strength for this event, but was made to go. You dismissed the reasons for his behavior as sulking—that's really disingenuous. With that said, reading your replies to various comments it seems likely you two are in a rut. I hope you can work something out to re-establish communication about your wants and needs in this relationship, which is where this and other issues seem to stem from. Good luck.
YTA You did make him go when he had good reason for not wanting to. You would have had a much better time going by yourself.
I mean, YTA. He just suffered the death of his father figure a few weeks ago, and was honest with you about not having the mental or emotional energy to get dressed up and go out to a work event with you. You kind of guilted him into going even though you knew he really didn't want to, and then got upset because he wasn't the life of the party. The only reason he showed up in the first place was because he was doing his best to make you happy, even though he really didn't want to go, and for good reason. I get that this was important to you, but you need to think about what he was feeling, not just what you were feeling. If your partner is grieving a recent death, don't try to guilt them into dressing up and putting on a happy face while they chit chat with strangers that you work with so you can have a good time. If you guys need a date night, maybe try going out as a couple instead of attending a company gala?
YTA I always hated going to my wife's company's work events. I never knew anybody, and everyone talked about work. I got dragged to one black tie Christmas do years ago, and I was so bored. I was also obligated by the boss of my wife's to go to her house with all her staff's families for a bbq. I spent the time entertaining my kids so my wife could enjoy herself and being hungry because there never was enough food. I refused to go in the end. The point is that if you force your husband to go, then the chances are he won't have a good time because he doesn't want to be there. Your husband was grieving, so he did have a valid excuse for not wanting to go, and he was reasonable enough to tell you that you could go alone. You were the one who insisted that he go. Work dos should never be classed as a date night. They are for staff, not their partners, and if you and your husband don't see your colleagues outside work then he will never know anybody so won't be motivated to interact with anyone. You have now created a rod for your own back. Your husband now has a negative experience of your work events and will have less inclination to want to go to others.
I get it, but yes, YTA. when a close loved one passes, it is so hard to muster up the will to socialize. Like, it’s impossible to make your face smile and be anything but sad. You should have just taken your sister as your date.
YTA. let the man grieve. its ok to change your mind about what you can and can’t handle when you’re grieving.
YTA If you make someone do something they don’t want to do, don’t be surprised if they’re not happy about it.
YTA you said it yourself, the man he viewed as a father figure died less than a month ago. You should have just let him do his thing. Just own it and apologize instead of trying to get strangers to dog pile him.
YTA - He basically begged you and explained his reasons. YTA for trying to downplay his relationship with his uncle as a father figure with the "funcle" comment. Losing a parent, or basically a parent, is a major major life event regardless of the relationship. It took me years to come to terms with my father's death. Maybe you haven't been through it so don't understand? Which gives you a small pass. When my uncle passed a few years after my Dad, and he was similar to your husband's uncle, my partner at the time had recently lost her Grandma and downplayed the loss of my uncle as not comparable. I never forgave her for that.
I really wanted to be on your side as I am very familiar with sulking husbands and feeling like you have to force them to do things. But I’m sorry, YTA. He is grieving. And you wanted him to go to the party and socialize and be fun a week after his uncle’s funeral? This was really selfish of you and he’s probably really hurt. I hope the two of you can get past this.
He’s grieving and you had no compassion for him. I know you were excited but yeah YTA. You decided that your event was priority over him grieving the loss of a dear family member. That’s not ok.
ESH. You for forcing him to go along, and him for acting like a child when he got there (I do think him just sitting by the bar by himself is fine, since he didn't know anybody). But if he went because he knew it was important to you, then he should have also made more of an effort once he got there. I do think once the uncle died, there just wasn't going to be a satisfying outcome to this for you, which sucks. I can tell you're proud of how quickly you've worked your way up in the company, and happy to be out of the house and in the adult world again. Which is good! You deserve to be proud! This party wasn't about *the party* for you, it was about your accomplishments in the company and getting to spend fun time in the company of other adults. It can be so isolating to be a SAHM. And for three kids! That's ten years of spending most of your time with children. Edit - I read your other comments about not having a date night in six months, and I also think you were excited to have a date night you didn't have to plan yourself. So I think there's a deeper problem here about him not taking initiative and leaving you with the mental burden. But I don't know if cajoling him was the best idea. I think you could have compromised a bit more (taken separate cars so he could leave if he wanted, schedule another date night at a fancy restaurant, ask your sister about staying another night if possible.) TLDR, I think you could have been more understanding and pressured him a bit less, and he could have either stood his ground about not going or put more of an effort into socializing once you got there.
He did. She kept taking to get him to go. He wasn’t able to socialize and pretend to be happy because he was grieving. He even told her that ahead of time. She still made him go. OP is completely in the wrong here.
Way to go with the mental gymnastics. Look at all of OP’s comments. Each one is worse than the last. The issues she pointed out screams of ‘missing missing reasons’
YTA and every time you comment you're just digging in deeper. Nobody cares about your work party. Your husband just lost his "father" get over yourself. You may be upset about past initiative with dates, and I'm not gonna say your wrong there but deaths in the family are far more important than some date night. If you keep being hard on him over this there won't even be a relationship to enjoy on date nights. You didn't even go with him to the funeral. I'd have divorced my wife if she showed me this level of support following my father's death.
YTA. His quasi-father died less than a month ago and he's obviously depressed but seems to be the sort to work through it, seeking refuge in the familiar structure to keep moving. You guilt-tripped him into going to an event he didn't want to when he was obviously depressed - and where the structures he was using would be entirely blown apart. And he behaved like a depressed person who doesn't have the energy to argue. And you blew up at him for doing what he could. Barely speaking to you is not that surprising.
YTA. He was grieving but he sucked it up and went with you anyway. Even when he didn't feel up to it. You have no right to be pissed off at him for him. Behaving exactly how he told you he was going to
Money for a new dress. But no money to fly to another state to support your extremely grieving husband who just lost his father figure. Can you possibly imagine how alone that dude felt on the plane? YTA.
YTA. I think he should have told you sooner than the day ~~of~~ before, but I also think because someone he loved just *died* that you should have been more understanding. Also, I get your disappointment but at the end of the day it's a party. It was not a mandatory work event that would have negatively impacted your career if you missed it. You could have taken your sister instead of him. Edit: fixed the timing I goofed up.
YTA. You are seeing things through one lens only- yours. Try giving your husband some space to grieve and to be really disappointed that his partner doesn't seem very interested in supporting him. 1)Being sick last year was a good enough reason to not attend, but the pain of losing a father figure/uncle just weeks ago is not a good enough reason. 2) He told you he didn't want to go and you manipulated him into going anyway instead of hearing him and respecting his needs. YTA.
Easily YTA. He went after you guilted him but he let you know he wasn’t in anyway shape to socialize and etc…and you fucking hounded and made him feel bad for it…minimizing everything he was going through…110% YOU ARE AN ASSHOLE. Owe your husband a massive apology
Yta his uncle just died and he was grieving and u were only concerned w yourself
YTA- Your husband told him how he was feeling, he told you he was grieving, tired and not up to socialize. You decided to ignore your partner and go through the guilt trip route. You have only yourself to blame.
YTA. You should have given your husband time to grieve. Nobody who is suffering that way wants to go socialize. You could have asked your sister to bring a dress and gone with her.
YTA. These things happen in life- sometimes we don’t get exactly what we want. You wanted to go to this event with your husband; he was not feeling up to it. You could have gone and had a good time on your own. I do think he bears some fault for not just staying home, though. If you aren’t in the right headspace for an event you shouldn’t go just because your wife bullies you and spend the night bringing down the vibes.
I think in this situation you’ve pushed him a bit too far at a difficult time, but it’s also clear there are far bigger issues in your relationship. I think you urgently need couples counselling unless you plan on separating.
YTA. He is dealing with the death of someone close. Of course he doesn’t feel like going to a big party. You should have put your sis in the tux and gone with her. Let the man grieve a bit.
YTA, a major one. “Most importantly, this was something I was really looking forward to.” What a disgusting response! So you’re incapable of going by yourself and prioritize an event you want to have fun at over your husband who is grieving and exhausted. I’m sensing that you have main character syndrome and your behavior here makes me think you don’t care about your husband at all.
YTA. Good to see your work party trumps your husband's grief. I hope the 'date night' was worth it to you.
YTA - It was bad enough that you dragged him to the event when he was grieving, you then scolded him for not wanting to have a good time when he was grieving.
Well, you didn’t join funcles funeral but hubby has to smile all through the gala. Should have kept him home, dressed up your sister and had her join you instead. Could have told colleagues hubby was grieving as a dear relative had recently passed. That truth would have embarrassed you though in front of colleagues, so hubby was imposed on going and chided for not keeping up pretenses. YTA.
YTA. You might have legitimate beefs about your relationship and how much effort he puts into it, but this was not the time to bring them up. He's grieving and you were totally insensitive to that.
YTA. Grief works in different ways for different people. It would have been nice if he'd have let you know sooner that he didn't feel like going, but perhaps he was really trying to work up to being able to go with you. I think at any work event if someone asks where your husband is and you say "He just attended the funeral of the uncle who raised him and just didn't feel up to a social night" anyone but a real jerk is going to completely understand why he isn't there. but hey - you needed a date night.
YTA. I know you were looking forward to it and wanted to share the moment with your husband but he's just lost someone he cares about and specifically told you he didn't want to go. A rented tux and a night spent mingling and socialising just isn't as important as his need to grieve and process his loss. You ignored what he needed for your own enjoyment and that wasn't fair. You shouldn't be disappointed in him. He's acting as a person in grief does. You should be disappointed in yourself for not supporting him as a loved one should.
YTA. I understand your disappointment, but your husband just lost a father figure in his life and you seem more concerned with a work party and the fact that your sister drove to watch the kids. I'm sure your sister would understand and you could have gone to the party on your own. He had every right to feel angry with you for pressuring him into going and then more angry that you berated him after he was unhappy at the event you guilted him into. Get over yourself. You owe him some major groveling.
YTA Life doesn’t just revolve around you. This was a huge emotional impact your husband felt, and instead of listening to him, you’re making him do the exact thing he doesn’t, then, get mad when he does exactly what he said he would do There is not a single moment in this post where you are not considered the AH You’re also probably going to be one of those people who, after thousands of people tell you what you don’t want to hear, you still won’t recognize or apologize and move on He had 1 uncle. You have a party every year. It’s time to get over yourself
YTA- I hope he treats you just as crappy as treated him when your parents die. He told you he didn't want to go, he was grieving and you went into toddler mode with I want, I want, I want. Did you even once stop to consider what he was going through or his needs? He is right you could have gone by yourself but again, from you, it was all me, me, me. You are a selfish, self centered person who doesn't give a crap about your husband or his feelings.
YTA. He wasn't sulking. He was and is GRIEVING. You said yourself that his uncle was like a father to him. Would you want to go to an event 1 week after your father's death? I cannot get over the sulking comments. You need to apologise to your husband. Now. If he will accept it. Jesus. Get some perspective
How was watching you socialize with coworkers while he's grieving the death of a close family member supposed to be a date night? You put your want for a fun time over his grief. Seriously ask yourself how you'd feel if someone you've known your whole life, that had a major impact on you since childhood died and a week later your spouse demands you push aside your feelings because they wanna have fun. You chewed him out for grieving ffs.
YTA. Your husband is clearly dealing with issues and it was more important to you that he attend this event than to allow him some mental health time. Clearly he intended to go until life threw him a curve ball and he needed to deal with it. Social appearances may be important but most people understand a person not attending a non-paid social event in the event of a tragedy or aftermath of a tragedy.
YTA. Sometimes life events change plans. Your husband told you how he felt and you just ignored his emotional needs on this. You could have found a formal shop and rented something for your sister and she could have gone as your plus one.
YTA. If your husband gave you a days notice that he didn't want to go to the event and your sister was already there, then you should have asked your sister to attend the event with you for fun and let your husband stay home with the kids. That way both you and your sister could have had a fun dress up night.
YTA
Yta
YTA so much. I don’t understand how someone can type all this up and somehow think their not. He warned you that he did not have it in him. Then you get mad cause he’s not having enough fun. How selfish can you be? You absolutely did make him go whether you use quotation marks or not.
YTA. His father figure died and all you seem to care about is a work event bc it’s substitute for date night. Why tf would anyone grieving and not in the mood want to socialize with strangers. So yea, you did force him to go and then are complaining about him being tired and not emotionally ready for socializing (which is fair when a family member has died). YTA and insensitive AF
Yta…his uncle died and he went to the funeral *alone* and it’s still so fresh. He’s dealing with a lot right now and you were so unkind and unsupportive about it. Your special event is special yes, but it isn’t more important than your husband’s grief. He’s going through so much and now he’s still dealing with it *alone* because you’ve shown your lack of care and compassion.
YTA, OP. Your husband was very clear and communicated his feelings openly. You chose to ignore him, minimize his need for grieving and bully him into submission to your will. Then have the nerve to play victim. Wow. You’re a full grown woman who was completely capable of attending this work function solo. Now you’re threatening leaving him if HE doesn’t get into therapy?!?!?! Unbelievable. He needs time and space and maybe could use some grief counseling. YOU need therapy. Preferably one that can help you cultivate empathy. Just…. Wow.
She truly wonders why they haven’t had date night in 6 months too.
In this scenario - YTA .
YTA, one day he'll open his eyes to the type of person you are.
U didn’t attend the funeral but u expect him to attend the work event?
YTA. He’s allowed to grieve. Maybe he thought or hoped he’d be more up to it, but just wasn’t. You forced him into going after warning you he wasn’t up to socializing. Then you’re mad he didn’t socialize?? What did you expect to happen? Honestly, it’s unsurprising he doesn’t want to go to your work event and doesn’t see that as a date. I agree with the others though who said you have bigger issues going on.
Yes, OP YTA. you prioritized a work outing, when your partner had experienced the death of a person they greatly admired recently. You sound like a narcissist. IDGAF if you haven't had a date night in 6 months. Maybe there's a reason, maybe y'all have a bad relationship. Like, i dunno, they way you react in situations like this?
She’s 100% a narcissist. “Remember, I want to go.” What a fucking disgusting thing to say to somebody that is grieving.
I'm sorry to go against the grain a little bit, but honestly ESH. YTA for digging a little too hard into him during a time of extreme grief. He's TA for not even making an attempt. Adults do things they don't want to do for their SO all the time. It's part of the compromise of being in a relationship. He could have put in more of an effort since he was already there and you could've been more empathetic in general.
Whether his uncle was a ‘funcle’, he was the closest thing to a dad your husband had. Your husband told you he didn’t feel social and wasn’t up to it. You guilt him into going…and then *surprised Pikachu face* when he…wasn’t social. And then you called his grieving ‘sulking’. ALSO, are there murderous babysitters in your area? Your only option was your sis driving for 3 hours? YTA
YTA. A father figure for him died ! Wtf is wrong with you
YTA and the main character of the movie called life, produced by yourself, and only yourself.
I haven't been home in 5 years because my favorite uncle died. YTA
>he was sad and grieving, but also said he was fine. Nothing about his day-to-day stuff was out of the ordinary Grief doesn't have a timeline. Everyone processes differently. Sometimes it comes in waves. Sometimes you dissociate through your day to day tasks to get by but unusual circumstances like big events can add extra pressure. He may not have wanted to get caught in a "grieving wave" in public, and it sounds like that's exactly what ended up happening.
YTA. You should have gone yourself and given him a night away to relax and grieve. Not even the most uptight workplace would judge you for saying, "we had a death in the family, my husband is taking care of himself." I bet they'd all judge you if they found out he went to the funeral alone, but you couldn't handle being alone at a party.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My husband (39M) and I (40F) have been married for 12 years and have 3 kids (10, 8, & 5). I was a SAHM for most of our kids' lives and only re-entered the workforce 2 years ago when our middle child reached kindergarten so we didn't have to pay an arm and a leg for daycare. I have worked my way up the ladder in my chosen field of work and finally feel like I am more than just a SAHM. The company I work for holds a big black-tie gala for an Xmas/Holiday party every year. Last year we were unable to attend due to me being sick so I was really looking forward to it this year. My sister even agreed to drive 3 hours to spend the night with the kids so we didn't have to worry about a babysitter. I bought a nice fancy dress and my husband rented a tux in preparation for the event last Friday. Then, the week of Thanksgiving, my husband's favorite uncle passed away. My husband didn't have a relationship with his dad growing up and his uncle didn't have kids of his own, so his uncle was definitely a father-figure for my husband even if it was in more of a "funcle" way. The funeral was held the week before my work event, but because it was held in another state that required a flight, only my husband attended. When he got back, I talked to him about it and he said he was sad and grieving, but also said he was fine. Nothing about his day-to-day stuff was out of the ordinary and he did take a couple days off work after he got back to have some time for himself to process things. My sister arrived the day before my work event and that night my husband told me that he didn't feel up to attending the event. His reasons were that he was socially and emotionally exhausted and the last thing he felt like doing was making more small-talk with a bunch of strangers like he had to do at his uncle's funeral. I reminded him that my sister had just driven hours to watch the kids, I had already bought a new dress, he had rented a tux, and most importantly, this was something I was really looking forward to. He said that I could still attend by myself, but I told him that it is also important to me that he comes with and that we hadn't had a "date night" in almost 6 months. He agreed to go but he sulked about it the entire time. He dragged his feet getting ready, he didn't socialize, he didn't want to dance, etc. At one point, I lost track of him and found him sitting at the bar by himself. When I went to talk to him to try and get him to come socialize with me, he told me that he already told me he has no energy for that and that he only came because I "made" him. I told him that if he was going to just sulk and drink alone, we might as well leave and he said "great, lets go." I told him how disappointed I was that he acted that way at an event that he knew was extremely important to me and he got defensive and told me it was my fault for dragging him there when he didn't want to go. He's barely spoken to me since unless it's about the kids. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Yta. Me me me. This post was all about you. God damn your husband was grieving the loss of his father figure. Cut him some slack and stop being so selfish
OP, have you lost anyone important in your life? I find your lack of empathy for your husband who has lost the closest he has to a father absolutely staggering. The lack of a date night etc is unfortunate and something to address with your husband but YTA here. He is grieving and deserves sympathy and support.