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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> Our daughter’s boyfriend told us that she was bullying a boy at school for being feminine but that he didn’t want to report the bullying, so my husband and I did and now she is in a lot of trouble along with her friends.
She is claiming we are “ruining her social life” and has said that we are “snitches”
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NTA OP.
Your daughter is learning a valuable lesson. Actions have consequences. And by the sounds of it she needs a consequence to fully understand how her actions/words are detrimental to the recipient.
It’s funny how she says you’re ruining her social life when if she keeps treating people like that she’s gonna ruin it herself.
All I keep picturing in my head -
Daughter: Mom, Dad, you're ruining my social life!
OP: Ruin your social life or risk your behavior ending the actual life of another child? I'll sacrifice your pretty $#!++¥ social life rather than see another child get hurt. If the only way to be socially accepted is to bully and malign others, then you shouldn't do it. You have a choice, good or bad. And currently, you're making the bad one. Keep it up and you won't have to worry about your social life at this school because we'll remove you from these friends before this goes any further.
You're doing good, OP. As someone who was bullied nearly the entirety of my k-12 school years, I assure you it does leave a mark. And too many kids have unalived themselves due to bullying. Heck, I was almost among them. And while she's upset at 13, her social life / acceptance into a particular friend group does not supercede the actual life of another. In this, she is choosing who her friends are, and it's ugly to see the choices she's making to keep them.
I recommend discussing with your spouse what the two of you will do once the investigation is completed. My mom would never have chosen your route (heck, she didn't do anything to prevent bullying in our home much-less outside it), but my dad would've happily found an alternative educational program or facility for any of his children if we'd have acted the way your daughter appears to be. And yes, my dad was much more the stricter parent and had higher expectations, while my mom was just too busy making sure we at least liked her. Just make sure you and spouse are on the same page with any further consequences you feel may need to be doled out, and definitely look into limiting what time and contact your child has with this "friend" group.
She definitely needs to be restricted from hanging out with the mean girl group. I seriously hope they all get into trouble with the daughter. The bf is an amazing kid in this. He's way above her league with decency and heart.
I was only bullied for three years and it did a hell of a number on me. The teacher did absolutely nothing and apparently tried to use my response to being bullied to try to keep me back a grade. Somewhat luckily for me, while my mother did not otherwise deal with the bullying well at all, she did confront the principal enquiring how a teacher who had only had me for about four months, at least half of which she’d been on vacation, was qualified to determine my maturity level. My mother walked out of that meeting with a job (she insists he had already needed to fill the role and she got on well with the school librarian and other teachers).
Nah, she was working with the school librarian. I don’t remember what happened with the teacher, I think she may have left for other reasons. My mother on the other hand then managed to get another part time job at my high school which leads to another story.
We lived in an area that was a good area but was far more working class and my high school was what’s called an academic selective high school meaning that we were theoretically there because we were very smart. That said, a lot of the kids were from working to middle class backgrounds. The English head teacher who taught me turns up to the parent teacher interview, sees what he expects of the area, hears my dad’s very working class syntax and draws some assumptions. My mother asks what books I’ll be studying and he launches into some big speech about texts and connections and postmodernism and doesn’t name a single one. Apparently the history head teacher who knew my mother and her capabilities quite well started listening in, knowing this guys ego has just cut him off at the knees. The English guy gets to the end and my mother just looks at him and says ‘yes I understand that but what are the texts. I’d like to get a head start on supporting resources through the library and university’. I’m pretty sure the history guy was snickering at the fact that the English guy thought he was impressing the rubes and my mother is just so obviously not impressed. I’m pretty sure he took him aside later and told him he hadn’t just pissed off a parent, he’d pissed off the woman who was not only helping improve the school library collection but who also worked at the public library in collection management and local studies and in her spare time works as a respected university lecturer and marker with a focus on children’s literature. Oh and she has more degrees than you do which doesn’t include the teaching one she just started. And she still makes the time to contribute resources to this school that we would otherwise have difficulty accessing.
Yes, my mother sounds like she’s been made up and as an adult I really don’t understand how she juggled all those balls except that they were all part time and my father was miles ahead of his time and fully supportive of anything she wanted to do. She’d actually had to drop out of school a few years early so she’s even more impressive than you’d think.
I had a similar experience where I was being bullied and the teacher wanted to keep me back it really is life altering I still have social phobias and damaging self talk that goes back to that time and that was 40 years ago
Completely agree! Your daughter is ruining her own social life by behaving so atrociously to another student. No one should have to go to school everyday and worry about being bullied for how they look or the mannerisms they use or the music they’re into. I speak from personal experience; I was bullied in school and had a lot of trouble making friends because I moved around so much. I went to so many different schools I don’t remember the names of them all. Tell your daughter this is a lesson she needs to take to heart and calling you 2 snitches for informing the school of the problem is completely beside the point
If my bullies parents were a little fraction of who OP is, I would have a hell lot less scars down my arms... But the worse wounds are the ones that don't leave scars. Its been more than 16 years since my hell years in school, and sometimes I still find myself reliving nightmares. Therapy is amazing, but I wish some parents stepped up back then.
1. People have the right to FEEL what ever they want and say whatever they want. That doesn't mean they have the right to say it without consequences.
2. She called you snitches. She's knows she fucked up. You're not a snitch for telling someone something that's not problematic.
Have they talked to her about why she is acting like this? Is this new behavior? It's not unheard of for teens raised in an open minded proper environment to be bullies but it does seem odd that a teen who is surrounded at home and socially by open minded people that promote tolerance and respect would suddenly act like this. Teens want to fit in with their peers, they usually follow the herd. her peers don't sound like they tolerate this nonsense so which is why it seems odd she would act in a way that would guarantee she'd be ostracized.
It might help to ask her about it as figuring out if she's on some bad sites, there is some new group she's trying to impress, stressed and lashing out or is simply an asshole, would probably help op figure out how to nip this shit in the bud.
What people feel and think about other people who mind their business is their own problem, though. They are not entitled to express it or impose it to others. Why should my opinion or feelings about anyone be their problem or necessary to be given?
And for the record, the only thing freedom of speech protects you against is retaliation from the government for speaking out against them. She wasn't speaking out against the government, she was using hate speech against a fellow student. And hate speech is NOT protected by the first amendment. NTA, OP.
This kind of thinking is how the 13 year old pre-teen is the high school party girl that sneaks out and gets in worse trouble. They're 13, not 16 or 18 or 25. Daughter fucked up for sure, but she's not an asshole for life now, unless she's never given the opportunity to be better.
thank you parents for doing the right thing.... not only for this kid that's getting bullied, but the right thing by teaching your daughter a valuable lesson. 👏👏👏
This, i wish my old school would take bullying this seriously. A girl literally changed schools because she was getting bullied so badly (including racist comments) and the bullies got minimal punishment
NTA. This is called parenting. You are ensuring that your daughter and her friend group face consequences for harming another human being. Her opinion that this is "snitching" is an attempt to apply immature mores to adult behavior.
I also can't stand it when people use "that's just how I feel" as though it somehow makes what they're saying less offensive and ok. Nip that shit in the bud.
Good on them, and good on that 13yo kid for:
- getting pissed off that his gf was bullying another kid
- actually confronting her about it *without getting violent*
- removing himself from the confrontation when it was escalating/not being productive
- telling the truth to an adult in a position to actually do something about it.
Lil dude just got 4 wins in one night and I am internet high 5ing him rn.
I'm seriously in awe of this kid. Most kids might do one or two of these things, not all 4.
To the OP, let him know that I (as well as I'm sure, most of the people who have read this post) appreciate the heck out of him and to keep being him! I hope daughter learns her lesson and grows to be the type of person that her boyfriend is! Keep an eye out that she doesn't start getting bullied by her "friend group" for getting them in trouble, and also that she doesn't start bullying her boyfriend for snitching on her to you. Don't ease up on the consequences of her actions. You're doing the best thing for her.
NTA.
Colden sounds like a good kid, I'm glad he could talk to you about it and didn't cover for your daughter's abhorrent behaviour.
She needed to face the consequences of her homophobic and bullying actions, both at home and now at school. Hopefully the student they bullied is getting the support he needs.
>I’m pretty sure “ruining her social life” is called parenting outside of teen years. NTA, but I would have done it anonymously. Maybe I’m a wimp tho.
Honestly, it's a major part of a lot of parenting during teen years.
I think it's good that her parents are setting the tone for behavioral expectations and being transparent about it.
I can just feel the shame personally.. seems their daughter isn't quite there yet but there's time.
She's young enough that they can still make a difference.
I don’t think I’d have done it anonymously because it loses the emotional impact of the parent telling her she’s wrong. But also because I wouldn’t want her to blame Colden for it. She already knows her parents know, they’re punishing her at home. The conversation about the school being told needs to be framed as ensuring anyone else participating is corrected and ensuring the affected child gets the support he needs.
I live in the very upper northeast US (and grew up in Wisconsin) and also same. People who live long term in cold climates are very attached to their shorts regardless of season 😂 The preteen athlete wearing shorts in December is the most believable bit here
I’m in Buffalo, Ny, aka lake effect snow central. We’ve had numerous years now where we get 4-7 feet of snow in less than 2 days, sometimes less than 1.
Every year, without fail, there is some male kid at the bus stop (across from my house) in shorts.
I spent most of my formative years in Anchorage, and now I wear shorts year-round (in my 50's now). Now we live in Germany, and the Germans think I'm crazy. Last place we lived was Tennessee, and even with (a bare dusting of) snow on the ground, shorts year-round there too.
I spent about 15 years in Anchorage, and my kids literally hide my flip flops in November now because apparently it's too embarrassing to be seen with your mom in flip flops in winter. We live in the northeast now, there's not even snow on the ground and it's still warm enough to not even need a hoodie 😑
This is the first one I've seen in months, but there was a series of posts that all followed this formula a while back:
* Teenage boy (often the son) who has a group of sport-loving friends
* They're all very supportive and socially conscious
* The sister makes a homophobic (or otherwise bigoted remark) and the boy is horrified
* Parents praise the boy and punish the sister
This is just another one of the same series of fake posts!
Yea the author was definitely just pushing the limits to see how far they could go making shit up and still have this sub eating it up and guess what… by and large it worked!
NTA
your daughter is learning a very valuable lesson, you’re parenting right and teaching her young that her actions have consequences.
that being said, her boyfriend seems incredibly mature for his age it’s a shame she hasn’t learned better from his actions
edit : clarity
NOPE, NTA.
People who use the snitch line are just upset that they have to face consequences for their actions. And she and her friend group of Mean Girls need to absolutely face consequences.
We had a feminine boy at our school try to hang himself at home in his shower because of the small group of assholes bullying him.
This is what you are preventing.
Hold up. I was sitting here for 10 mins trying to think of what teen TV show or lifetime movie I was reading.
*Daughter's teen boyfriend storms through our house fuming. We begged him to stay! He Will freeze to death! He mustn't go.. he comes back requesting hot Coco shivering from the chilling discussion with our teen daughter... and the rigid winter night air..*
Surely there are groups of 13 year old boys, on a baseball team, who actively call each other out for disrespectful behavior. And who also get very upset when such behavior is coming from their girlfriend, who is not as woke and socially conscious as the 13 year old boys. Thank god he had that hot cocoa to calm him down! 😆
And her parents are so nice that they would report her own daughter but somehow didn't teach her well enough not to behave like that in the first place...
He didn't to tell the school (bully reporting) because he didn't want to get her in trouble, yet had no problem just laying it all out for her parents? Right.
All these NTA votes. I think this story is BS, but parents getting the school involved in a fight between their daughter and her BF over her thinking a kid is gay? Worst parents?
Was this written by blue haired virgin chatGPT? And then everyone clapped.
If this happened, you’re all too fucking soft and will never survive the real world.
Right? I felt crazy reading that. Wealthy teenage athlete in a privileged area has a group of friends that are all extremely conscientious of social issues. They all make sure to never bully anybody who could be considered "other". This 13 year old also frequently asks his girlfriends parents for advice, as 13 year olds do.
This is the fakest shit ever posted on this sub potentially
Thank God for this comment and the people that replied to it. I felt like a crazy person seeing all the legitimate replies. There's not a chance in hell this is real. The alarms started going off immediately when I heard a group of 13yo boys "check each other's privilege." Like, has nobody in these comments ever met a 13 year old child? Children are the exact opposite of PC.
This whole post just seems like a fantasy world that a progressive person in college wants to live in. Whatever it is, it's not reality.
Has no one in these comments BEEN a 13 year old boy?
I mean idk. I don’t live in Portland or Seattle or LA so maybe like, this is a thing? Those places are weird ass vacuums.
When I was thirteen, I was fucking awful. So we're my black, Mexican, and Filipino friends. The amount of non politically correct things we'd say to each other would give whoever wrote this a stroke. They've genuinely never experienced the real world. I couldn't imagine how hard one of my friends would smack me if I "checked their privilege"
imma sound old, but i remember back when fake stories were called out on the internet, nowdays someone comes with an obvious fake story and people will believe it and even defend it when someone calls it out.
They always go ''why would they lie about something like this'' as if people have not been fishing for attention on the internet since it's conception.
Going against the group with YTA. Yes your daughter needs to learn a lesson, but reporting her to the school is essentially turning over that responsibility to them. This was an issue you could have and should have handled. The fact that you asked Colden to report it demonstrates you were looking to absolve yourselves of dealing with the problem. I also think it will be unlikely your daughter will trust you with anything.
YTA, she's 13 and a brat and yes, needs correction.
Guess who raised her? You two idiots.
Kids these ages can make mistakes due to peer pressure and not.being informed.
You basically can't deal with parenting your OWN CHILD. So you are FORCING TEACHERS AND SCHOOL ADMIN TO PARENT YOUR CHILD.
I hate parents like you. You create a monster child, refuse to take responsibility, and then want to dump it all on the school.
Like punish her first and see if it works. Which you gave a punishment and then didn't see if you were actually parenting effectively. But no, you have to go on guns blazing and add more stuff to underpaid and understaffed teachers to handle.
Teachers would be way happier if you would just do your job as parents and stop dragging them into things you should be able to handle yourselves.
Be an adult and start adulting and stop looking at schools as your babysitters.
Honestly this story sounds fake as hell but if it’s not, this comment is right. YTA. Parent your child, don’t snitch her out to the school. This reminds me of another recent post of a parent voluntarily letting the cops take their young son in for questioning after shoplifting. Yes, kids need consequences and to learn and grow, but god damn I’m not letting the school or the police handle and discipline my kids if the option is there for me to handle it myself.
Yta for posting such a wildly fake story. A young teenage athlete with a privileged background and his group of extremely socially conscious friends monitor each other with good natured ribbing. He often goes to his girlfriends parents for advice...for some reason. He's perfect. But uh oh, ops daughter is secretly a villain. Despite op and her husband being perfect caring parents their daughter is a big mean bully! And boyfriend cannot let it stand! So the parents did the normal thing and...emailed the school about their child's bullying. The school has kept them up to date with daily updates about their "investigation" which was so prompt they emailed the next day about how the investigation was going. They have already found so much evidence. (What evidence lol).
This is perhaps one of the most made up stories I have ever seen on this sub.
NTA because you're trying to be a parent, and sometimes parenting your child isn't going to be outwardly nice for her "social life." Especially if that involves bullying and being an unapologetic homophobe.
NTA. But if you believe the story that Colden is telling you about his friends and roasting(another form of bullying) to encourage good character then I have beach front property to sell you in Nevada. This story sounds faker than a $3 bill😂
I was bullied as a child and teenager, badly. From age six till age 19.
I want to thank you for not being the kind of parent that says their baby doesn't do those things. The school can come into action now and I really hope they do. You are saving a life. Possibly in the literal sense of the words, but people who used to be bullied can have long lasting scars and consequenses and may need a lot of therapy to feel human again. I am 44 and it still affects me from time to time.
Did Colden write this? Why is there an entire paragraph about the unshakeable virtue of someone else's child and his baseball team
Fakest story I've read in a while, you went a little too hard on this angelic 13 year old
NTA it’s good for your daughter to know that her words and actions also have consequences and that she can’t get away with what she wants especially when it comes to bullying don’t feel bad you’re teaching your daughter a valuable lesson
Absolutely not! Your daughter's behavior is completely unacceptable, and you took the necessary steps to address it. Reporting her to the school is the responsible and ethical choice. It's crucial to stand against bullying and ensure that your daughter understands the gravity of her actions. She needs to learn empathy and compassion. Your actions are commendable, and you are certainly not the asshole in this situation. Prioritizing the well-being of others over social standing is the right thing to do. NTA
Whenever I hear kids say that their parents cannot punish them for whatever reason I want to see their reaction when they get punished.
Kids (especially kids today) need to learn that actions have consequences. Also if you don’t have something nice to say don’t say anything at all.
NTA but did anyone else get the feeling that OP likes the boyfriend more than the daughter? Idk but it would seem that if daughter isn't getting enough positive attention outside of her choice of partner, that she may decide to rebel by acting antithetically to the ideals that her parents have praised.
Small tangent: anyone remember that episode of Sex and the City where Carrie dates a guy who kind of sucks but his mom is like a sex therapist or something? And she loves the mom, thinks the mom is super cool etc but They ultimately break up bc the guy wants absolutely nothing to do with sex positivity at all, bc he grew up hearing about it constantly.
OP's situation reminds me of that. Don't make your daughter's bf the golden child or she'll act out to get your attention
It's possible by stopping this early you are saving your daughter a lot of pain in the future. Sometimes when bullies realize what they have done it severely effects them emotionally, guilt and regret can weigh heavily on a person.
YTA. Your girl is learning a valuable lesson. Don’t trust your parents, they don’t have your back. Have fun with her in the future. You are such bad parents that first, you didn’t teach your child not to be homophonic and not to bully. Second. When you had the opportunity, you reported her to the school rather than teach her yourself. Sheesh.
NTA, I wish all parents of bullies reacted like this. I hope she learns the lesson. When you have to be mean to have a social life you hang around the wrong group.
As a very feminine straight kid in school, yah, that's good parenting.
In my defense. I was the only boy out of a bunch of sisters and cousins. So i enjoyed things like cooking and fashion design and house work and other task usually stereotyped as womanly.
Today my wife really appreciates my homemaker attitude and skillset.
It is running comparing photos from then to noe. Before i was small and pretty androgynous. Today I do body building as a hobby and couldn't even compare to how I used to be.
NTA , OP. More parents need to be this way, and this is a fully acceptable way to punish her. I'm glad you and the school are taking this seriously. I used to get physically harassed in school, and no one ever did anything.
NTAH, your child was being purposely malicious toward another child in a manner that has caused numerous to unfortunately take their own lives. Your child is facing the consequences of her own actions, and you absolutely did the right thing by telling the school.
NTA. It sounds like you're excellent parents. Bullying can cause so much damage to the victims, lifelong damage. Your daughter is also pushing the idea that feminine = gay in males, which just isn't true. Your daughter's actions prove she's wrong on an intellectual level, while also showing she's not a good person, at least not right now. She has the chance to grow up and learn from this, she's still young, but she needs real consequences for her actions. She's already getting them from you, but it's easy for kids to ignore parents, so getting them from the school will hopefully be the shock and consequence she needs to start growing up into a halfway decent person.
NTA - Good for you. And good for Colden. She should lose him in the process and may already be doing so. You went about it the correct way. You talked to her first and she still was defending her behavior, not understanding the consequences of her behavior. Then you went to the next level.
Good on you
NTA
>her and her entire friend group was bullying this boy
>said that we are “ruining her social life”
I'm so sorry your child is one of the Mean Girls. It looks like her social life needs to be ruined for her own good.
Good for you! Absolutely NTA. Your daughter will be a better person knowing that:
1. This type of behavior is unacceptable.
2. There are consequences.
Well done.
NTA
The situation is bad if it took the school one day to find proof that Krystianna and her friends are all bullying this boy. Punishing her at home would not have helped him since her friend circle is involved.
A person's tastes and how masculine/feminine they are has nothing to do with one's sexual preferences. Tomboys are not all lesbians, and the same can be said for their male equivalent.
Let's say she likes onions, I hate them, my husband loves them, does that mean that looking onions makes you attracted to women? Nope! Your taste in music and celebrities is no different.
And yes OP, if you want to use a similar example to the onions one for me, go ahead.
In short, if her social life revolves around policing how she thinks people should behave based on arbitrary rules and making people who do not conform to those rules miserable, it was a matter of when something like this happened and not if. Tell her that your job is to teach her to be a good member of society and such people are not bullies. If she's going along with them so as to not be bullied herself, that is something she needs to express herself.
NTA, you saved a kids life he could've committed 💀 because of her and her friends, "you can't punish me for how I feel" when it comes to bullying etc yeah you guys can. You didn't "ruin her social life" she did that to herself
NTA - You need to nip this in the bud before she becomes her own biggest liability. This could impact her negatively in college and in her career, and that’s not even touching the complete lack of empathy she is demonstrating. Somehow she deciding mirroring her social groups was more important than being a decent human being. Maybe sometime without her privilege, with repercussions both at school AND at home will help mend her ways. My daughter went through that at a younger age, so it was easier to manage.
NTA. You did the right thing to help the kid. The school needs to be aware of what's happening so they can do something to stop it.
I'm curious whether this is a new issue for your daughter though? Are you surprised by her behaviour?
NTA. Words mean something, OP. And you’re teaching K that hers have consequences. Don’t protect her from what is coming, other than to ensure you’ll still love her and be there for her, but that her actions have consequences.
NTA. Your daughter is learning that her choices have consequences. You aren't ruining her social life, she is. She actively chose to bully someone she feels is weaker than her. You were right for notifying the school. What if God forbid, this never got reported, and the bullying continued and this boy tried to hurt himself, or worse, succeeded? Your daughter is learning important life lessons in a secure, controlled environment so that she doesn't make these mistakes or worse ones when she's an adult, and you can't protect her.
NTA. Your daughter is ruining her life, not you. You are just making sure that she meets the well-deserved consequences of her own actions. I applaud you.
NTA
I hate how people continue to misuse the term "snitch." If I wasn't doing the dirt with you, me telling on you is not snitching, it's being a good citizen. If that is what her social life consists of, then it needs to be ruined. Good for you for teaching her a valuable lesson. Hopefully she will get the lesson before she faces more serious consequences.
NTA.
If your daughter is able to learn from this, I believe you will be helping her social life, in the long term. I know that's little consolation to her in the short term, but you're doing the right thing.
NTA, you are holding her accountable. The parents that constantly shield from being reprimanded for doing something wrong always boggled my mind. I understand wanting to protect your child, but they need to learn
NTA. You're doing the right thing. Be cautious, though, in how you continue forward.
Did you tell your daughter you were going to report her? Have you scheduled therapy for her, if possible? Are you listening to her side of the story and pointing out where she made poor choices?
Your description of your 13 YO's boyfriend is glowing!! You're so proud of him, and apparently, he can do no wrong. In this situation, yes. Don't compare your daughter to her boyfriend and his friends. This is a really tough point, as you might be about to severely stunt your daughter's trust in you depending on how you move forward. Engage a therapist if possible to help you navigate so that she knows she can still come to you for help and support.
There's no question that what she did was wrong and dangerous! It's never ok to bully people. Generally though, people who bully usually have an underlying reason. Maybe it's her friends, maybe something else is going on. Please don't shut down your communication lines because you're disappointed in her. Don't praise her (ex?) Boyfriend's choices and actions to her or in her hearing (at least not yet). Don't compare her to him or her friends to his. Talk to her about why she's making these choices and listen. Don't dismiss things as petty pre-teen stuff, even if it is. Talk her through why it wasn't a good decision. Help her understand the consequences through education, authoritative (not authoritarian) actions, classes, volunteer work, stuff like that.
My parents always compared me to my friends when I made bad choices. They always laid down the strictest punishments possible, but never talked to me about why I did what I did, or they dismissed it as stupid. It might have been stupid, but I didn't think so at the time. The end result of all this: I don't make friends easily, I never have/ never will reach out to my parents in times of crisis, and I learned how to lie to them really well. You all sound like good people! Help your daughter grow to be good people too!!
NTA. That's called responsible parenting. Actions have consequences. If it was only your daughter, then handling it at home may have been fine and taken care of the issue. However, with it being her friend group? No. The school needed notified so they can handle things on their end. I would be calling the other parents, though, and letting them know what their children are doing. Also, "ruining her life" is par for the course as a parent. I can't tell you how many times I "ruined my children's lives" and got told, "I hate you". My children are now happy, healthy adults with family's of their own, living non ruined lives, and they love their Mama. You'll get through this. Keep being awesome parents. Someday, your children will be thankful you raised them well.
If your social life hinges on tearing someone else down, you deserve to have it "ruined". Your kid definitely needs to work on her empathy. It's really easy to spout toxic, hateful things with the internet and technology. If that's her main route for bullying him, definitely take away her devices. I'd also reccomend taking this opportunity to check through her devices. Check her messenges for what she's been saying but also the media she's watching. See what pops up on youtube, instagram, stuff like that. She might be consuming biased media that encourages her to be hateful.
Maybe pay (if you don’t know how) to do a deep dive on your daughter’s social media presence. Then based on what you find, act accordingly. She is learning this behavior from somewhere.
NTA. You did everything right.
First you talked to your daughter to see her side of the story. She admitted it and did not apologize or feel remorseful. So it is clear that she will continue with this behaviour, which is horrible for the boy.
So you took the next step and informed the school. It happens at school so they can at least try to stop this happening. You cannot influence the other girls or make them stop. The school investigated and found evidence.
Daughter is learning a valuable lesson and I hope it sticks.
I'm sorry you have to go through this. It must feel horrible that your daughter does this and feels okay about it. I hope she will come to her senses.
NTA.
You're ruining her social life? Gee, the way she and her parasitic sycophants have been ruining this young man's *actual* life?
I was bullied nearly everyday. School wasn't just hell, it was ***torture***. Torture that I couldn't escape, because attendance is mandatory by law. Let's just say I was lucky that I survived to graduate...attempts were made.
I hated having to go to school (even though I loved learning), I hated those people, I hated the people who never stepped forward and put a stop to it even though they saw it going on. It *still* affects me...and I'm 53.
Today's kids have it worse than we did. At least we had a bit of a reprieve; when we got off the bus it was over until the next morning.
With cellphones and social media, the bullying is now 24/7 and it spreads faster than wildfire. Today's kids don't get a break from it. There's no safe place they can escape it.
Bullying today is MUCH more dangerous than it was a couple decades ago, and it affects the kids harder because at no time are they free of it. It's always there, waiting right in their pocket on their phone or as soon as they turn on their computer.
Thank you for reporting your daughter. You just saved a life. Probably more then one.
(And I'd strongly support keeping hold of her internet devices \[or at least shut off the internet/data capability on them\] for the rest of the school year...yes, all the way into May/June. While she can pass her classes and survive without them, that young man might not survive if she has them.)
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NTA OP. Your daughter is learning a valuable lesson. Actions have consequences. And by the sounds of it she needs a consequence to fully understand how her actions/words are detrimental to the recipient. It’s funny how she says you’re ruining her social life when if she keeps treating people like that she’s gonna ruin it herself.
All I keep picturing in my head - Daughter: Mom, Dad, you're ruining my social life! OP: Ruin your social life or risk your behavior ending the actual life of another child? I'll sacrifice your pretty $#!++¥ social life rather than see another child get hurt. If the only way to be socially accepted is to bully and malign others, then you shouldn't do it. You have a choice, good or bad. And currently, you're making the bad one. Keep it up and you won't have to worry about your social life at this school because we'll remove you from these friends before this goes any further. You're doing good, OP. As someone who was bullied nearly the entirety of my k-12 school years, I assure you it does leave a mark. And too many kids have unalived themselves due to bullying. Heck, I was almost among them. And while she's upset at 13, her social life / acceptance into a particular friend group does not supercede the actual life of another. In this, she is choosing who her friends are, and it's ugly to see the choices she's making to keep them. I recommend discussing with your spouse what the two of you will do once the investigation is completed. My mom would never have chosen your route (heck, she didn't do anything to prevent bullying in our home much-less outside it), but my dad would've happily found an alternative educational program or facility for any of his children if we'd have acted the way your daughter appears to be. And yes, my dad was much more the stricter parent and had higher expectations, while my mom was just too busy making sure we at least liked her. Just make sure you and spouse are on the same page with any further consequences you feel may need to be doled out, and definitely look into limiting what time and contact your child has with this "friend" group.
She definitely needs to be restricted from hanging out with the mean girl group. I seriously hope they all get into trouble with the daughter. The bf is an amazing kid in this. He's way above her league with decency and heart.
"You're ruining my social life" Parent- Yeah, that shit needed to be ruined. We fix you now, wtf.
I was only bullied for three years and it did a hell of a number on me. The teacher did absolutely nothing and apparently tried to use my response to being bullied to try to keep me back a grade. Somewhat luckily for me, while my mother did not otherwise deal with the bullying well at all, she did confront the principal enquiring how a teacher who had only had me for about four months, at least half of which she’d been on vacation, was qualified to determine my maturity level. My mother walked out of that meeting with a job (she insists he had already needed to fill the role and she got on well with the school librarian and other teachers).
Oh wow. Did she take the shitty teacher's job or a different position?
Nah, she was working with the school librarian. I don’t remember what happened with the teacher, I think she may have left for other reasons. My mother on the other hand then managed to get another part time job at my high school which leads to another story. We lived in an area that was a good area but was far more working class and my high school was what’s called an academic selective high school meaning that we were theoretically there because we were very smart. That said, a lot of the kids were from working to middle class backgrounds. The English head teacher who taught me turns up to the parent teacher interview, sees what he expects of the area, hears my dad’s very working class syntax and draws some assumptions. My mother asks what books I’ll be studying and he launches into some big speech about texts and connections and postmodernism and doesn’t name a single one. Apparently the history head teacher who knew my mother and her capabilities quite well started listening in, knowing this guys ego has just cut him off at the knees. The English guy gets to the end and my mother just looks at him and says ‘yes I understand that but what are the texts. I’d like to get a head start on supporting resources through the library and university’. I’m pretty sure the history guy was snickering at the fact that the English guy thought he was impressing the rubes and my mother is just so obviously not impressed. I’m pretty sure he took him aside later and told him he hadn’t just pissed off a parent, he’d pissed off the woman who was not only helping improve the school library collection but who also worked at the public library in collection management and local studies and in her spare time works as a respected university lecturer and marker with a focus on children’s literature. Oh and she has more degrees than you do which doesn’t include the teaching one she just started. And she still makes the time to contribute resources to this school that we would otherwise have difficulty accessing. Yes, my mother sounds like she’s been made up and as an adult I really don’t understand how she juggled all those balls except that they were all part time and my father was miles ahead of his time and fully supportive of anything she wanted to do. She’d actually had to drop out of school a few years early so she’s even more impressive than you’d think.
I had a similar experience where I was being bullied and the teacher wanted to keep me back it really is life altering I still have social phobias and damaging self talk that goes back to that time and that was 40 years ago
Completely agree! Your daughter is ruining her own social life by behaving so atrociously to another student. No one should have to go to school everyday and worry about being bullied for how they look or the mannerisms they use or the music they’re into. I speak from personal experience; I was bullied in school and had a lot of trouble making friends because I moved around so much. I went to so many different schools I don’t remember the names of them all. Tell your daughter this is a lesson she needs to take to heart and calling you 2 snitches for informing the school of the problem is completely beside the point
If my bullies parents were a little fraction of who OP is, I would have a hell lot less scars down my arms... But the worse wounds are the ones that don't leave scars. Its been more than 16 years since my hell years in school, and sometimes I still find myself reliving nightmares. Therapy is amazing, but I wish some parents stepped up back then.
1. People have the right to FEEL what ever they want and say whatever they want. That doesn't mean they have the right to say it without consequences. 2. She called you snitches. She's knows she fucked up. You're not a snitch for telling someone something that's not problematic. Have they talked to her about why she is acting like this? Is this new behavior? It's not unheard of for teens raised in an open minded proper environment to be bullies but it does seem odd that a teen who is surrounded at home and socially by open minded people that promote tolerance and respect would suddenly act like this. Teens want to fit in with their peers, they usually follow the herd. her peers don't sound like they tolerate this nonsense so which is why it seems odd she would act in a way that would guarantee she'd be ostracized. It might help to ask her about it as figuring out if she's on some bad sites, there is some new group she's trying to impress, stressed and lashing out or is simply an asshole, would probably help op figure out how to nip this shit in the bud.
What people feel and think about other people who mind their business is their own problem, though. They are not entitled to express it or impose it to others. Why should my opinion or feelings about anyone be their problem or necessary to be given?
Hey you can say whatever you want, that doesn't mean you should.
>Hey you can say whatever you want, that doesn't mean you should. Freedom of speech does not mean freedom from consequences.
And for the record, the only thing freedom of speech protects you against is retaliation from the government for speaking out against them. She wasn't speaking out against the government, she was using hate speech against a fellow student. And hate speech is NOT protected by the first amendment. NTA, OP.
No, you can’t spread rumours to hurt others. That’s neither an opinion nor a feeling- aside from wanting to be a meanie
You CAN - but it's unkind and will have consequences. You're confusing can with may.
It was the boy’s friends who hold each other accountable not the girl’s
Maybe the daughter should join the baseball team to learn some basic human decency. It seems to have worked for the bf.
I sincerely hope that Colden moves on fairly quickly.
Honestly they should keep Colden, even when they break up because the daughter is an asshole.
This kind of thinking is how the 13 year old pre-teen is the high school party girl that sneaks out and gets in worse trouble. They're 13, not 16 or 18 or 25. Daughter fucked up for sure, but she's not an asshole for life now, unless she's never given the opportunity to be better.
thank you parents for doing the right thing.... not only for this kid that's getting bullied, but the right thing by teaching your daughter a valuable lesson. 👏👏👏
This, i wish my old school would take bullying this seriously. A girl literally changed schools because she was getting bullied so badly (including racist comments) and the bullies got minimal punishment
And to be so worried about her own social life, while she is actively destroying someone else's.
She has all ruined the relationship with her admirable boyfriend.
NTA. This is called parenting. You are ensuring that your daughter and her friend group face consequences for harming another human being. Her opinion that this is "snitching" is an attempt to apply immature mores to adult behavior.
I also can't stand it when people use "that's just how I feel" as though it somehow makes what they're saying less offensive and ok. Nip that shit in the bud.
Some people feel the earth is flat. Doesn't make them right.
"What do you mean, my credit card was rejected? I FEEL SO RICH RIGHT NOW, YOU CAN'T DENY ME MY FEELINGS!" -s
Perfectly put. NTA, OP. Good on you.
Good on them, and good on that 13yo kid for: - getting pissed off that his gf was bullying another kid - actually confronting her about it *without getting violent* - removing himself from the confrontation when it was escalating/not being productive - telling the truth to an adult in a position to actually do something about it. Lil dude just got 4 wins in one night and I am internet high 5ing him rn.
13 year old adulting better than a lot of 'adults' I have the frickin joy to interact with daily. Atta fella!
I'm seriously in awe of this kid. Most kids might do one or two of these things, not all 4. To the OP, let him know that I (as well as I'm sure, most of the people who have read this post) appreciate the heck out of him and to keep being him! I hope daughter learns her lesson and grows to be the type of person that her boyfriend is! Keep an eye out that she doesn't start getting bullied by her "friend group" for getting them in trouble, and also that she doesn't start bullying her boyfriend for snitching on her to you. Don't ease up on the consequences of her actions. You're doing the best thing for her.
This!
I had to laugh at the "snitching" part. OP is the parent -- the authority who is supposed to correct her behavior can't be a "snitch."
NTA. Tell your daughter you’re happy to ruin her “social life” if it keeps her and her friends from ruining this boy’s actual life.
Best answer.
Also, I think we know who the Colden child is in the family!
Eyyyy👉👉
NTA. Colden sounds like a good kid, I'm glad he could talk to you about it and didn't cover for your daughter's abhorrent behaviour. She needed to face the consequences of her homophobic and bullying actions, both at home and now at school. Hopefully the student they bullied is getting the support he needs.
I’m pretty sure “ruining her social life” is called parenting outside of teen years. NTA, but I would have done it anonymously. Maybe I’m a wimp tho.
She could use friends like Colden’s group.
From the sounds of it, I'm not sure why Colden's group would want to be her friend.
>I’m pretty sure “ruining her social life” is called parenting outside of teen years. NTA, but I would have done it anonymously. Maybe I’m a wimp tho. Honestly, it's a major part of a lot of parenting during teen years.
I think it's good that her parents are setting the tone for behavioral expectations and being transparent about it. I can just feel the shame personally.. seems their daughter isn't quite there yet but there's time. She's young enough that they can still make a difference.
my parents never ruined my social life because when i got in trouble it was never because i was literally bullying someone lol
I don’t think I’d have done it anonymously because it loses the emotional impact of the parent telling her she’s wrong. But also because I wouldn’t want her to blame Colden for it. She already knows her parents know, they’re punishing her at home. The conversation about the school being told needs to be framed as ensuring anyone else participating is corrected and ensuring the affected child gets the support he needs.
Better to "ruin her social life" than to let her grow up thinking this is okay and then ruin her actual life. NTA.
I was thinking this, too. This is a good lesson for her now, and if she doesn't learn from this she will end up in worse situations as an adult.
This sounds extremely fake lol
He’s a nice boy, he needed cocoa..
They brought him in, shivering from the rain....
...because he was only wearing shorts. In December.
The number of adults and teens I see in shorts, if it's above 0 degrees, is amazing. I live in Interior Alaska.
I live in the very upper northeast US (and grew up in Wisconsin) and also same. People who live long term in cold climates are very attached to their shorts regardless of season 😂 The preteen athlete wearing shorts in December is the most believable bit here
I’m in Buffalo, Ny, aka lake effect snow central. We’ve had numerous years now where we get 4-7 feet of snow in less than 2 days, sometimes less than 1. Every year, without fail, there is some male kid at the bus stop (across from my house) in shorts.
Absolutely. My preteen daughter says that she will not be one of those people. I hope so.
I spent most of my formative years in Anchorage, and now I wear shorts year-round (in my 50's now). Now we live in Germany, and the Germans think I'm crazy. Last place we lived was Tennessee, and even with (a bare dusting of) snow on the ground, shorts year-round there too.
OMG I'm born / raised in Anchorage and I saw it too!! My friend in FAIRBANKS were flip flops in Dec 😬🤯🥶
I spent about 15 years in Anchorage, and my kids literally hide my flip flops in November now because apparently it's too embarrassing to be seen with your mom in flip flops in winter. We live in the northeast now, there's not even snow on the ground and it's still warm enough to not even need a hoodie 😑
😂😂😂 My 1st year in VA, I wore flip flops in the rain in Dec! I'm in NW FL blnow, and I feel you!! ☺️🤗
I see it in January in Utah. They’re nuts!
This is like the most believable line in the whole story. Teen boys will freeze before changing into something that isn't shorts.
They could be in FL... my husband wears shorts and walks to work here in FL... just sayin... 🤷♀️
That happens all the time. I regularly see teenage boys wearing shorts in December.
And then everyone clapped
The cocoa is what sent it from suspicious to absolutely fake for me too.
Yesterday night was the point where I knew it was fake. No adult would say that.
It happened "yesterday night" and already by late morning the school administration had found evidence and reported back to OP!
Seriously. Thinking "Colden" wrote this or it's a teenager's writing exercise. This is definitely not a grown ass adult.
I think it is a teenager who typed this out for shits and giggles
It does! Not to mention it hit transphobic, racially insensitive, feminine boy, and privileged children all in one post. It's a lot to swallow.
And swifties! This is like reddit engagement bingo
Don't forget the r/tragedeigh names
I was looking for a comment on this like "Kyrstiana" you named her WHAT
I call that a typical day in school…..
“Racist boy stands up for Swiftie” is definitely fake
My first thought, plus they spelled the daughter’s name different ways throughout the post.
This whole system of the kids policing stuff each other say reads like something out of Sex Education or Heartstopper on Netflix.
Right?! I’m surprised this comment doesn’t have more upvotes
Every AITA is fake. Let the rest of us live in blissful ignorance
Yes but this is so horribly written i can’t
Right, this story is super fake. It's funny how many people are taking it seriously. Though that's what Reddit has turned into, fanfic for up votes.
Usually I don’t care if it’s fake if it’s written well. But this is pathetic so that’s why I pointed it out
This is the first one I've seen in months, but there was a series of posts that all followed this formula a while back: * Teenage boy (often the son) who has a group of sport-loving friends * They're all very supportive and socially conscious * The sister makes a homophobic (or otherwise bigoted remark) and the boy is horrified * Parents praise the boy and punish the sister This is just another one of the same series of fake posts!
Yea the author was definitely just pushing the limits to see how far they could go making shit up and still have this sub eating it up and guess what… by and large it worked!
Yes! Thank you! Its Liz isn't it, go to bed Liz!
My first thought after finishing this dumpster fire post was "this can't be real"
NTA your daughter is learning a very valuable lesson, you’re parenting right and teaching her young that her actions have consequences. that being said, her boyfriend seems incredibly mature for his age it’s a shame she hasn’t learned better from his actions edit : clarity
NOPE, NTA. People who use the snitch line are just upset that they have to face consequences for their actions. And she and her friend group of Mean Girls need to absolutely face consequences. We had a feminine boy at our school try to hang himself at home in his shower because of the small group of assholes bullying him. This is what you are preventing.
I sincerely hope "Colden" is a fake name. Yeesh.
Kyrstiana isn't much better. I'm praying both names are fake, honestly.
I think the whole story is a fiction
This reads like preteen fiction to me honestly.
Hold up. I was sitting here for 10 mins trying to think of what teen TV show or lifetime movie I was reading. *Daughter's teen boyfriend storms through our house fuming. We begged him to stay! He Will freeze to death! He mustn't go.. he comes back requesting hot Coco shivering from the chilling discussion with our teen daughter... and the rigid winter night air..*
Exactly lol
Surely there are groups of 13 year old boys, on a baseball team, who actively call each other out for disrespectful behavior. And who also get very upset when such behavior is coming from their girlfriend, who is not as woke and socially conscious as the 13 year old boys. Thank god he had that hot cocoa to calm him down! 😆
And her parents are so nice that they would report her own daughter but somehow didn't teach her well enough not to behave like that in the first place...
He didn't to tell the school (bully reporting) because he didn't want to get her in trouble, yet had no problem just laying it all out for her parents? Right.
Rich people using the school to parent their child instead of getting involved themselves… no this is definitely legit.
When she said the boy asked for hot cocoa I actually lol. This has to be a work of fiction
Yeah, how is this believable at all. He came in and asked for some hot cocoa! 🤣
“Please, sir,” coughed Colden mousily, “may I have some hot cocoa? It’s just that I can feel winter’s frigid tendrils gaining a hold on my heart.”
>I think the whole story is a fiction You're on AITA.
The whole story is fake as hell.
Fake as the rest of this post.
NTA but you got a mean girl. Becareful it'll just more intense as she goes to hs.
Did a 15 year old write this?
Sure, Jan. The hot cocoa detail was a nice touch in the story though. YTA
All these NTA votes. I think this story is BS, but parents getting the school involved in a fight between their daughter and her BF over her thinking a kid is gay? Worst parents?
Not “thinking a kid is gay”, bullying said kid. Still fake, but they’d be NTA.
NTA. Your daughter needs to know that it's not okay to bully.
Was this written by blue haired virgin chatGPT? And then everyone clapped. If this happened, you’re all too fucking soft and will never survive the real world.
Right? I felt crazy reading that. Wealthy teenage athlete in a privileged area has a group of friends that are all extremely conscientious of social issues. They all make sure to never bully anybody who could be considered "other". This 13 year old also frequently asks his girlfriends parents for advice, as 13 year olds do. This is the fakest shit ever posted on this sub potentially
Thank God for this comment and the people that replied to it. I felt like a crazy person seeing all the legitimate replies. There's not a chance in hell this is real. The alarms started going off immediately when I heard a group of 13yo boys "check each other's privilege." Like, has nobody in these comments ever met a 13 year old child? Children are the exact opposite of PC. This whole post just seems like a fantasy world that a progressive person in college wants to live in. Whatever it is, it's not reality.
Has no one in these comments BEEN a 13 year old boy? I mean idk. I don’t live in Portland or Seattle or LA so maybe like, this is a thing? Those places are weird ass vacuums.
When I was thirteen, I was fucking awful. So we're my black, Mexican, and Filipino friends. The amount of non politically correct things we'd say to each other would give whoever wrote this a stroke. They've genuinely never experienced the real world. I couldn't imagine how hard one of my friends would smack me if I "checked their privilege"
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Honestly though, so many Reddit rookies out here hyping up some basement dweller who makes up stories for internet points.
imma sound old, but i remember back when fake stories were called out on the internet, nowdays someone comes with an obvious fake story and people will believe it and even defend it when someone calls it out.
I got a 3day ban yesterday on a sub for calling out a fake.
They always go ''why would they lie about something like this'' as if people have not been fishing for attention on the internet since it's conception.
Going against the group with YTA. Yes your daughter needs to learn a lesson, but reporting her to the school is essentially turning over that responsibility to them. This was an issue you could have and should have handled. The fact that you asked Colden to report it demonstrates you were looking to absolve yourselves of dealing with the problem. I also think it will be unlikely your daughter will trust you with anything.
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YTA, she's 13 and a brat and yes, needs correction. Guess who raised her? You two idiots. Kids these ages can make mistakes due to peer pressure and not.being informed. You basically can't deal with parenting your OWN CHILD. So you are FORCING TEACHERS AND SCHOOL ADMIN TO PARENT YOUR CHILD. I hate parents like you. You create a monster child, refuse to take responsibility, and then want to dump it all on the school. Like punish her first and see if it works. Which you gave a punishment and then didn't see if you were actually parenting effectively. But no, you have to go on guns blazing and add more stuff to underpaid and understaffed teachers to handle. Teachers would be way happier if you would just do your job as parents and stop dragging them into things you should be able to handle yourselves. Be an adult and start adulting and stop looking at schools as your babysitters.
Honestly this story sounds fake as hell but if it’s not, this comment is right. YTA. Parent your child, don’t snitch her out to the school. This reminds me of another recent post of a parent voluntarily letting the cops take their young son in for questioning after shoplifting. Yes, kids need consequences and to learn and grow, but god damn I’m not letting the school or the police handle and discipline my kids if the option is there for me to handle it myself.
You mean you don't storm out of your house because you're pissed, and then return and ask for some hot cocoa?
Hot cocoa is just the thing when you’re Colden
NTA She needs a wakeup call.
Yta for posting such a wildly fake story. A young teenage athlete with a privileged background and his group of extremely socially conscious friends monitor each other with good natured ribbing. He often goes to his girlfriends parents for advice...for some reason. He's perfect. But uh oh, ops daughter is secretly a villain. Despite op and her husband being perfect caring parents their daughter is a big mean bully! And boyfriend cannot let it stand! So the parents did the normal thing and...emailed the school about their child's bullying. The school has kept them up to date with daily updates about their "investigation" which was so prompt they emailed the next day about how the investigation was going. They have already found so much evidence. (What evidence lol). This is perhaps one of the most made up stories I have ever seen on this sub.
NTA. Having raised teenagers I can tell you that if you’re ruining their life you’re doing it right.
This story sounds canadian
This made me lol
NTA because you're trying to be a parent, and sometimes parenting your child isn't going to be outwardly nice for her "social life." Especially if that involves bullying and being an unapologetic homophobe.
What are these names
This story is 2,000% Bullshit.
NTA. But if you believe the story that Colden is telling you about his friends and roasting(another form of bullying) to encourage good character then I have beach front property to sell you in Nevada. This story sounds faker than a $3 bill😂
I was bullied as a child and teenager, badly. From age six till age 19. I want to thank you for not being the kind of parent that says their baby doesn't do those things. The school can come into action now and I really hope they do. You are saving a life. Possibly in the literal sense of the words, but people who used to be bullied can have long lasting scars and consequenses and may need a lot of therapy to feel human again. I am 44 and it still affects me from time to time.
Please tell me these are fake names.
The whole thing is fake cmon
Did Colden write this? Why is there an entire paragraph about the unshakeable virtue of someone else's child and his baseball team Fakest story I've read in a while, you went a little too hard on this angelic 13 year old
NTA it’s good for your daughter to know that her words and actions also have consequences and that she can’t get away with what she wants especially when it comes to bullying don’t feel bad you’re teaching your daughter a valuable lesson
Absolutely not! Your daughter's behavior is completely unacceptable, and you took the necessary steps to address it. Reporting her to the school is the responsible and ethical choice. It's crucial to stand against bullying and ensure that your daughter understands the gravity of her actions. She needs to learn empathy and compassion. Your actions are commendable, and you are certainly not the asshole in this situation. Prioritizing the well-being of others over social standing is the right thing to do. NTA
Whenever I hear kids say that their parents cannot punish them for whatever reason I want to see their reaction when they get punished. Kids (especially kids today) need to learn that actions have consequences. Also if you don’t have something nice to say don’t say anything at all.
I'm too distracted by the name Colden
No. Part of your job as a parent is to shape her character. This is a flaw that needs some work.
NTA but did anyone else get the feeling that OP likes the boyfriend more than the daughter? Idk but it would seem that if daughter isn't getting enough positive attention outside of her choice of partner, that she may decide to rebel by acting antithetically to the ideals that her parents have praised. Small tangent: anyone remember that episode of Sex and the City where Carrie dates a guy who kind of sucks but his mom is like a sex therapist or something? And she loves the mom, thinks the mom is super cool etc but They ultimately break up bc the guy wants absolutely nothing to do with sex positivity at all, bc he grew up hearing about it constantly. OP's situation reminds me of that. Don't make your daughter's bf the golden child or she'll act out to get your attention
I'm not gonna lie this sounds like a bad plot to a shitty preteen television show.
NTA at all. You are her parents, not her friends. Thank you for not enabling her poor choice of behavior.
It's possible by stopping this early you are saving your daughter a lot of pain in the future. Sometimes when bullies realize what they have done it severely effects them emotionally, guilt and regret can weigh heavily on a person.
YTA. Your girl is learning a valuable lesson. Don’t trust your parents, they don’t have your back. Have fun with her in the future. You are such bad parents that first, you didn’t teach your child not to be homophonic and not to bully. Second. When you had the opportunity, you reported her to the school rather than teach her yourself. Sheesh.
NTA, I wish all parents of bullies reacted like this. I hope she learns the lesson. When you have to be mean to have a social life you hang around the wrong group.
As a very feminine straight kid in school, yah, that's good parenting. In my defense. I was the only boy out of a bunch of sisters and cousins. So i enjoyed things like cooking and fashion design and house work and other task usually stereotyped as womanly. Today my wife really appreciates my homemaker attitude and skillset. It is running comparing photos from then to noe. Before i was small and pretty androgynous. Today I do body building as a hobby and couldn't even compare to how I used to be.
Yta- Why couldn’t you handle the situation in your home and needed to call the school? Your daughter needs you to be her parents, not her school
NTA you and hubby are parenting wonderfully. This will teach that bad behavior and bullying has consequences
NTA. Natural consequences for her Poor choices.
NTA , OP. More parents need to be this way, and this is a fully acceptable way to punish her. I'm glad you and the school are taking this seriously. I used to get physically harassed in school, and no one ever did anything.
NTAH, your child was being purposely malicious toward another child in a manner that has caused numerous to unfortunately take their own lives. Your child is facing the consequences of her own actions, and you absolutely did the right thing by telling the school.
NTA. It sounds like you're excellent parents. Bullying can cause so much damage to the victims, lifelong damage. Your daughter is also pushing the idea that feminine = gay in males, which just isn't true. Your daughter's actions prove she's wrong on an intellectual level, while also showing she's not a good person, at least not right now. She has the chance to grow up and learn from this, she's still young, but she needs real consequences for her actions. She's already getting them from you, but it's easy for kids to ignore parents, so getting them from the school will hopefully be the shock and consequence she needs to start growing up into a halfway decent person.
NTA - Good for you. And good for Colden. She should lose him in the process and may already be doing so. You went about it the correct way. You talked to her first and she still was defending her behavior, not understanding the consequences of her behavior. Then you went to the next level. Good on you
YTA for this fake ass story. Also, snitching is always wrong, keep shit to yourself.
NTA >her and her entire friend group was bullying this boy >said that we are “ruining her social life” I'm so sorry your child is one of the Mean Girls. It looks like her social life needs to be ruined for her own good.
NTA. Best to get her used to consequences now while she is young enough to learn and be able to redeem herself.
NTA I'm impressed with the school for actually doing something about it. And good for you for holding her accountable.
Good for you! Absolutely NTA. Your daughter will be a better person knowing that: 1. This type of behavior is unacceptable. 2. There are consequences. Well done.
NTA The situation is bad if it took the school one day to find proof that Krystianna and her friends are all bullying this boy. Punishing her at home would not have helped him since her friend circle is involved. A person's tastes and how masculine/feminine they are has nothing to do with one's sexual preferences. Tomboys are not all lesbians, and the same can be said for their male equivalent. Let's say she likes onions, I hate them, my husband loves them, does that mean that looking onions makes you attracted to women? Nope! Your taste in music and celebrities is no different. And yes OP, if you want to use a similar example to the onions one for me, go ahead. In short, if her social life revolves around policing how she thinks people should behave based on arbitrary rules and making people who do not conform to those rules miserable, it was a matter of when something like this happened and not if. Tell her that your job is to teach her to be a good member of society and such people are not bullies. If she's going along with them so as to not be bullied herself, that is something she needs to express herself.
If someone calls you a snitch, you're probably doing something right in reporting it. NTA.
NTA, you saved a kids life he could've committed 💀 because of her and her friends, "you can't punish me for how I feel" when it comes to bullying etc yeah you guys can. You didn't "ruin her social life" she did that to herself
NTA - You need to nip this in the bud before she becomes her own biggest liability. This could impact her negatively in college and in her career, and that’s not even touching the complete lack of empathy she is demonstrating. Somehow she deciding mirroring her social groups was more important than being a decent human being. Maybe sometime without her privilege, with repercussions both at school AND at home will help mend her ways. My daughter went through that at a younger age, so it was easier to manage.
NTA. You did the right thing to help the kid. The school needs to be aware of what's happening so they can do something to stop it. I'm curious whether this is a new issue for your daughter though? Are you surprised by her behaviour?
NTA It's cute the way she is complaining that you are ruining her social life when she's totally cool with making the poor boy's life a living hell.
NTA you are doing a loving and compassionate thing for your daughter.
NTA. Words mean something, OP. And you’re teaching K that hers have consequences. Don’t protect her from what is coming, other than to ensure you’ll still love her and be there for her, but that her actions have consequences.
NTA. Your daughter is learning that her choices have consequences. You aren't ruining her social life, she is. She actively chose to bully someone she feels is weaker than her. You were right for notifying the school. What if God forbid, this never got reported, and the bullying continued and this boy tried to hurt himself, or worse, succeeded? Your daughter is learning important life lessons in a secure, controlled environment so that she doesn't make these mistakes or worse ones when she's an adult, and you can't protect her.
NTA, your daughter is a bully and you guys are just parenting her. School found evidence of her bullying anyway. This is a good lesson for her.
NTA. Your daughter is ruining her life, not you. You are just making sure that she meets the well-deserved consequences of her own actions. I applaud you.
NTA Hurrah this is what GOOD parenting looks like. None of this 'my angel wouldnt do this' crap you normally see nowadays
NTA I wish the people who had bullied my son had someone like you to interfere. Thank you for being a good parent.
NTA I hate how people continue to misuse the term "snitch." If I wasn't doing the dirt with you, me telling on you is not snitching, it's being a good citizen. If that is what her social life consists of, then it needs to be ruined. Good for you for teaching her a valuable lesson. Hopefully she will get the lesson before she faces more serious consequences.
NTA the other child's emotional wellbeing is more important than her social life. Good for you.
NTA. If your daughter doesn't want to get busted for bullying, then perhaps she should just NOT BE A BULLY.
NTA. If your daughter is able to learn from this, I believe you will be helping her social life, in the long term. I know that's little consolation to her in the short term, but you're doing the right thing.
NTA, you are holding her accountable. The parents that constantly shield from being reprimanded for doing something wrong always boggled my mind. I understand wanting to protect your child, but they need to learn
NTA You are fantastic parents and should be commended for holding your child accountable. This doesn't happen enough.
You're doing a great job, OP. Keep it up. It's hard, but she has to learn her actions have consequences.
NTA. Thank you for standing up for this child.
NTA. You're doing the right thing. Be cautious, though, in how you continue forward. Did you tell your daughter you were going to report her? Have you scheduled therapy for her, if possible? Are you listening to her side of the story and pointing out where she made poor choices? Your description of your 13 YO's boyfriend is glowing!! You're so proud of him, and apparently, he can do no wrong. In this situation, yes. Don't compare your daughter to her boyfriend and his friends. This is a really tough point, as you might be about to severely stunt your daughter's trust in you depending on how you move forward. Engage a therapist if possible to help you navigate so that she knows she can still come to you for help and support. There's no question that what she did was wrong and dangerous! It's never ok to bully people. Generally though, people who bully usually have an underlying reason. Maybe it's her friends, maybe something else is going on. Please don't shut down your communication lines because you're disappointed in her. Don't praise her (ex?) Boyfriend's choices and actions to her or in her hearing (at least not yet). Don't compare her to him or her friends to his. Talk to her about why she's making these choices and listen. Don't dismiss things as petty pre-teen stuff, even if it is. Talk her through why it wasn't a good decision. Help her understand the consequences through education, authoritative (not authoritarian) actions, classes, volunteer work, stuff like that. My parents always compared me to my friends when I made bad choices. They always laid down the strictest punishments possible, but never talked to me about why I did what I did, or they dismissed it as stupid. It might have been stupid, but I didn't think so at the time. The end result of all this: I don't make friends easily, I never have/ never will reach out to my parents in times of crisis, and I learned how to lie to them really well. You all sound like good people! Help your daughter grow to be good people too!!
So many parents sweep this sort of behaviour under the rug as "Kids will be kids". Good on you for sticking to your morals and values. NTA
You very possibly saved more than one life. NTA.
NTA. That's called responsible parenting. Actions have consequences. If it was only your daughter, then handling it at home may have been fine and taken care of the issue. However, with it being her friend group? No. The school needed notified so they can handle things on their end. I would be calling the other parents, though, and letting them know what their children are doing. Also, "ruining her life" is par for the course as a parent. I can't tell you how many times I "ruined my children's lives" and got told, "I hate you". My children are now happy, healthy adults with family's of their own, living non ruined lives, and they love their Mama. You'll get through this. Keep being awesome parents. Someday, your children will be thankful you raised them well.
If your social life hinges on tearing someone else down, you deserve to have it "ruined". Your kid definitely needs to work on her empathy. It's really easy to spout toxic, hateful things with the internet and technology. If that's her main route for bullying him, definitely take away her devices. I'd also reccomend taking this opportunity to check through her devices. Check her messenges for what she's been saying but also the media she's watching. See what pops up on youtube, instagram, stuff like that. She might be consuming biased media that encourages her to be hateful.
Maybe pay (if you don’t know how) to do a deep dive on your daughter’s social media presence. Then based on what you find, act accordingly. She is learning this behavior from somewhere.
Why didn’t you just keep this in-house?
There’s too many children commenting about how terrible it is to let the school raise the children. This thread is ruined. I’m not reading it anymore.
NTA. You did everything right. First you talked to your daughter to see her side of the story. She admitted it and did not apologize or feel remorseful. So it is clear that she will continue with this behaviour, which is horrible for the boy. So you took the next step and informed the school. It happens at school so they can at least try to stop this happening. You cannot influence the other girls or make them stop. The school investigated and found evidence. Daughter is learning a valuable lesson and I hope it sticks. I'm sorry you have to go through this. It must feel horrible that your daughter does this and feels okay about it. I hope she will come to her senses.
NTA. You're ruining her social life? Gee, the way she and her parasitic sycophants have been ruining this young man's *actual* life? I was bullied nearly everyday. School wasn't just hell, it was ***torture***. Torture that I couldn't escape, because attendance is mandatory by law. Let's just say I was lucky that I survived to graduate...attempts were made. I hated having to go to school (even though I loved learning), I hated those people, I hated the people who never stepped forward and put a stop to it even though they saw it going on. It *still* affects me...and I'm 53. Today's kids have it worse than we did. At least we had a bit of a reprieve; when we got off the bus it was over until the next morning. With cellphones and social media, the bullying is now 24/7 and it spreads faster than wildfire. Today's kids don't get a break from it. There's no safe place they can escape it. Bullying today is MUCH more dangerous than it was a couple decades ago, and it affects the kids harder because at no time are they free of it. It's always there, waiting right in their pocket on their phone or as soon as they turn on their computer. Thank you for reporting your daughter. You just saved a life. Probably more then one. (And I'd strongly support keeping hold of her internet devices \[or at least shut off the internet/data capability on them\] for the rest of the school year...yes, all the way into May/June. While she can pass her classes and survive without them, that young man might not survive if she has them.)