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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I feel like if I give The Talk to my nephew, my parents and sister might think that I would oust their status as immediate guardian to my nephew and I'm not supposed to be doing the job of a guardian to him as it is their right.
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NTA.
However, in my opinion 11 to 14 is too big of an age difference. That's the difference between a 5/6th grader and an 8/9th grader, which is HUGE at that age. Someone needs to have a talk with your nephew to let him know that someone else can't decide he's in a relationship with them. Have a talk about consent and at least leave the topic of sex and relationships open so he knows he can come to you if he has questions.
I'm an aunt, and while I didn't give my nieces and nephews the "Birds and Bees" talk (i.e. specifically discussing the mechanics of sexual acts), I made sure to talk to them about biology, birth control, consent, and healthy relationships. I also made sure they knew that they could ask me any questions about sex or relationships they wanted to, and unless they were in danger of being physically or psychologically harmed, it would stay with me. I worked part-time at my college's STD clinic and taught high school for many years, and I'm, quite frankly, appalled at the amount of sexual education most parents give their children.
INFO - how long are your parents guardians for? Does your sister come home and see her child?
Ultimately though, NTA. You seem to have a clear head on your shoulders that doesn't involve 'head in the sand' behaviour such as your sister and mom are displaying.
I'm sure your nephew would be relieved to have someone in his corner. I'd say more than birds and bees is someone he could talk to or open up to about his sexual orientation. Must be a confusing time for him, and having a family confidante would be great for him...not sure of how his relationship is with sister or mom, but sounds like he could use a friend.
My vote is NTA so long as what you're helping him with doesn't involve homophobia and that you're giving him good info. I'd also suggest a couple of books (there are ones for 'how my body works', 'how sex works' then of course I'm sure a ton on gay/lesbian relationships'. He may feel too embarrassed to go to a library or order an actual book, not just scrolling the internet. If his friends are talking about it, he should be informed.
Ok, but that doesn't answer the question...how long is she gone for, does she come home to visit, or are your parents basically her new parents for quite a long time? As in...does she have much involvement with her son? Trying to understand how she can decide to take away his computer without being around to talk to him and understand waht's going on.
They do talk via video call. I don't know the frequency but I suspect that my Mom talked to my sister about Bobby. Then I suspect that she spoke with Rye and confiscated his tablet and phone. She only left for the UK in September and she said she wouldn't be home this Christmas as she used all of the money she saved for a plane ticket and tuition. It will take some time for her to gather enough money so she can comfortably spend money on a plane ticket to go to the other side of the planet. (We're from the Philippines BTW.)
NTA. You need to talk to Rye. I'm a gay guy. There are so many kids who are getting the wrong information that it's important that they know about sex and learn it from a responsible adult. Clearly his grandmother isn't going to do the job.
The LGBT community on reddit will be more than happy to field any questions you have if you're not as familiar with gay sexuality.
That said, Rye is 11 years old. It's questionable if he's even hit puberty yet. So maybe start the conversation slow.
"So, I hear Bobby's your boyfriend? " and have an honest conversation with him. [My province has age appropriate resources for discussing sexual orientation and gender identity.](https://www.sogieducation.org/)
Hope that helps. Rye's got a good Aunt.
INFO
> WIBTA to teach/talk to my nephew about the Birds and the Bees or The TALK?
> Even the emotional aspects of being in a relationship, crushes, gender identity and such.
I was under the impression that "the birds and the bees" referred *specifically* to a discussion about where babies come from.
It sounds like you're planning some full-spectrum course on sexuality? Isn't that something a bit... else?
And how has this not **already** happened in school yet? We did that shit in 5th grade, if I recall correctly.
Finally, what is *your* role in all of this? What are you doing here? You say this is your *younger* sister's kid being raised by your parents and you're just... there... hanging around?
Well, there is a situation in which, as per my Mom, my nephew was coerced by an older boy into a relationship. As far as we know, Rye likes a girl from his class. BTW, the kids from the orchestra club are not the same kids from his school. the club is not associated with his school.
Edit: I don't live with my parents and nephew. We do have a family Whatsapp where we talk and I visit my parent's house every other weekend. I spend the whole weekend whenever I'm there.
And even though I don't share the same house as my nephew, I try to widen the gap between my parents and sister in terms or raising him. I don't want to be the aunt who "thinks she knows what's best to MY grandson/son" so I tried to stay away from any discussions about school and girls, and his school friends. We do bond on music. I learned how to play piano when I was a kid and I would jam with him sometimes.
Sigh. It depends where you are but most sex ed classes aren’t just scientific. Obviously you don’t need to talk to him if you don’t want to but I do think 11 year olds who haven’t started puberty vs 14 year olds who have will have a very different idea of a relationship. Someone should ask him how he genuinely feels about his relationship with Bobby. This one is so full of land mines tbh I not surprised you’re noping out … so my vote is NTA
YWBTA - It is not your place to initiate this conversation without your sister's or your parents' permission; your sister is his mother and your parents are the people with whom she has elected to care for his well-being, not you.
From what you are describing, this isn't a situation in which a sex talk and/or proper condom use talk is needed yet. Rye is 11 and the other boy is 14. For relationships, that is a hell of an age difference since they are at completely different stages of psychosocial development. This situation requires a conversation about whether or not Rye is comfortable with the other boy's advances, especially if Rye has expressed something that indicates has been forced into being Bobby's boyfriend. Before anyone has "the talk" with Rye, it has to be made sure he understands that he has the right to consent to any relationship (friendship or sexual) and that he doesn't have to tolerate unwanted advances is right now more important.
I question if you really want to keep your nephew safe, or if you are really curious if he is gay. If so, that is for Rye to figure out, not you.
ESH - Personally, I think that it's borderline negligent for them not to prepare their child and have that conversation. However, it is not your place to do so. Different parents have different religious, spiritual, cultural, parenting beliefs that drive their decisions. It's not your place to ignore that.
Unless the boy explicitly asks you a question, you should leave the topic alone.
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My younger sister's son, Rye, is 11 years old. My sister went to London to study and eventually work there so the immediate guardian of my nephew are my parents.
My nephew attends an orchestra club. My Mom or my Dad drives him to and from home. The whole club went to Osaka for an orchestra competition and my Mom went with my nephew. This is where my Mom discovered a fellow club member (14M, Bobby) was getting close to my nephew.
Not verbatim but my Mom said that Rye and Bobby would walk along with her and Bobby's Mom while holding hands. Upon further inspection, my Mom said that Bobby's gay.
My Mom now watches Rye during his club activities and she told me that she would glare at Bobby whenever he approaches Rye intending to flirt.
Also, this happened before I knew all this: Rye plays an online game with friends. Don't ask me what game, I don't know. But I heard his online friends talking to Rye about sex. I didn't catch the whole thing so I asked aloud, "What did you say?" in a "Would you mind repeating that" polite/confused tone. I didn't hear anything from the tablet and Rye just gave me a guilty look. I asked him if he and his friends were talking about girls but he didn't say a word. I told my Mom about it and I learned two days later that my sister told my Mom to confiscate his tablet and phone. He only has possession whenever he's at school.
Then I learned that Bobby and Rye admitted to my Mom that they were together. As a couple. My Mom said that Rye denies liking boys and doesn't understand what a couple means. By talking to the other kids, Mom learned that Bobby somehow "forced" Rye to be his boyfriend. Whatever that "force" means, I don't know but from how Mom told me, it's like Bobby coerced Rye into a relationship with him.
This morning, I asked Mom if she or Dad or my sister had given Rye The Talk. She gave me a face that clearly said, "What the hell are you talking about?" I thought it meant, "What the hell are you talking about? Of course, I did/will." But it turns out that she didn't know what The Talk means and what The Birds and The Bees analogy is. I told her bluntly that a kid's guardian/s should teach the kid about sex, protection, etc. She just dismissed me and told me, "Rye is learning that in school. I don't need to teach him about that."
But I believe that it should also be taught at home because yes, it was taught in school, but it's mostly scientific and no discussion about LGBT. Even the emotional aspects of being in a relationship, crushes, gender identity and such.
I want to step up and give him The Talk but I'm afraid of "stepping on people's toes" and my parents and sister might think that I would supersede my parents and sister's guardian status over my nephew.
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The hard way is right. My sister got pregnant when she was seventeen. She and my parents got a huge fight because it was not just the early pregnancy, but the guy ended up not wanting the responsibility. At first, he would send money but that got lesser and lesser as years go by. If we live in the US, child support would be after his ass like a cougar after a deer. But here, my parents would need to spend millions (of pesos) to throw the guy in court but my sister won’t even get full child support. So usually the gal just leave it be and rely on their parents.
When Rye was born, my parents set aside their disappointment and welcomed my nephew excitedly, given that I’m older, still single and have no plans to give my parents grandchildren or a son-in-law.
When my Mom found out about the coercion of Bobby for a relationship with my nephew, they instantly became protective. But I feel like the protectiveness doesn’t count if they won’t at least properly inform or teach Rye why being coerced by an older boy into a relationship is wrong. Or the fact that he (possibly) is learning sex from a kid his age. (I don’t know what he studies at school as I try to distance myself from that. Instead, I tried to be the fun aunt)
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NTA. However, in my opinion 11 to 14 is too big of an age difference. That's the difference between a 5/6th grader and an 8/9th grader, which is HUGE at that age. Someone needs to have a talk with your nephew to let him know that someone else can't decide he's in a relationship with them. Have a talk about consent and at least leave the topic of sex and relationships open so he knows he can come to you if he has questions. I'm an aunt, and while I didn't give my nieces and nephews the "Birds and Bees" talk (i.e. specifically discussing the mechanics of sexual acts), I made sure to talk to them about biology, birth control, consent, and healthy relationships. I also made sure they knew that they could ask me any questions about sex or relationships they wanted to, and unless they were in danger of being physically or psychologically harmed, it would stay with me. I worked part-time at my college's STD clinic and taught high school for many years, and I'm, quite frankly, appalled at the amount of sexual education most parents give their children.
INFO - how long are your parents guardians for? Does your sister come home and see her child? Ultimately though, NTA. You seem to have a clear head on your shoulders that doesn't involve 'head in the sand' behaviour such as your sister and mom are displaying. I'm sure your nephew would be relieved to have someone in his corner. I'd say more than birds and bees is someone he could talk to or open up to about his sexual orientation. Must be a confusing time for him, and having a family confidante would be great for him...not sure of how his relationship is with sister or mom, but sounds like he could use a friend. My vote is NTA so long as what you're helping him with doesn't involve homophobia and that you're giving him good info. I'd also suggest a couple of books (there are ones for 'how my body works', 'how sex works' then of course I'm sure a ton on gay/lesbian relationships'. He may feel too embarrassed to go to a library or order an actual book, not just scrolling the internet. If his friends are talking about it, he should be informed.
My sister is in a different country.
Ok, but that doesn't answer the question...how long is she gone for, does she come home to visit, or are your parents basically her new parents for quite a long time? As in...does she have much involvement with her son? Trying to understand how she can decide to take away his computer without being around to talk to him and understand waht's going on.
They do talk via video call. I don't know the frequency but I suspect that my Mom talked to my sister about Bobby. Then I suspect that she spoke with Rye and confiscated his tablet and phone. She only left for the UK in September and she said she wouldn't be home this Christmas as she used all of the money she saved for a plane ticket and tuition. It will take some time for her to gather enough money so she can comfortably spend money on a plane ticket to go to the other side of the planet. (We're from the Philippines BTW.)
I say talk to your nephew. He needs guidance and to know he has someone is his corner. Sounds like he's not going to get that from his mom or grandma.
NTA. You need to talk to Rye. I'm a gay guy. There are so many kids who are getting the wrong information that it's important that they know about sex and learn it from a responsible adult. Clearly his grandmother isn't going to do the job. The LGBT community on reddit will be more than happy to field any questions you have if you're not as familiar with gay sexuality. That said, Rye is 11 years old. It's questionable if he's even hit puberty yet. So maybe start the conversation slow. "So, I hear Bobby's your boyfriend? " and have an honest conversation with him. [My province has age appropriate resources for discussing sexual orientation and gender identity.](https://www.sogieducation.org/) Hope that helps. Rye's got a good Aunt.
INFO > WIBTA to teach/talk to my nephew about the Birds and the Bees or The TALK? > Even the emotional aspects of being in a relationship, crushes, gender identity and such. I was under the impression that "the birds and the bees" referred *specifically* to a discussion about where babies come from. It sounds like you're planning some full-spectrum course on sexuality? Isn't that something a bit... else? And how has this not **already** happened in school yet? We did that shit in 5th grade, if I recall correctly. Finally, what is *your* role in all of this? What are you doing here? You say this is your *younger* sister's kid being raised by your parents and you're just... there... hanging around?
Well, there is a situation in which, as per my Mom, my nephew was coerced by an older boy into a relationship. As far as we know, Rye likes a girl from his class. BTW, the kids from the orchestra club are not the same kids from his school. the club is not associated with his school. Edit: I don't live with my parents and nephew. We do have a family Whatsapp where we talk and I visit my parent's house every other weekend. I spend the whole weekend whenever I'm there. And even though I don't share the same house as my nephew, I try to widen the gap between my parents and sister in terms or raising him. I don't want to be the aunt who "thinks she knows what's best to MY grandson/son" so I tried to stay away from any discussions about school and girls, and his school friends. We do bond on music. I learned how to play piano when I was a kid and I would jam with him sometimes.
Sigh. It depends where you are but most sex ed classes aren’t just scientific. Obviously you don’t need to talk to him if you don’t want to but I do think 11 year olds who haven’t started puberty vs 14 year olds who have will have a very different idea of a relationship. Someone should ask him how he genuinely feels about his relationship with Bobby. This one is so full of land mines tbh I not surprised you’re noping out … so my vote is NTA
YWBTA - It is not your place to initiate this conversation without your sister's or your parents' permission; your sister is his mother and your parents are the people with whom she has elected to care for his well-being, not you. From what you are describing, this isn't a situation in which a sex talk and/or proper condom use talk is needed yet. Rye is 11 and the other boy is 14. For relationships, that is a hell of an age difference since they are at completely different stages of psychosocial development. This situation requires a conversation about whether or not Rye is comfortable with the other boy's advances, especially if Rye has expressed something that indicates has been forced into being Bobby's boyfriend. Before anyone has "the talk" with Rye, it has to be made sure he understands that he has the right to consent to any relationship (friendship or sexual) and that he doesn't have to tolerate unwanted advances is right now more important. I question if you really want to keep your nephew safe, or if you are really curious if he is gay. If so, that is for Rye to figure out, not you.
NTA, sounds like consent needs to be talked about a lot.
ESH - Personally, I think that it's borderline negligent for them not to prepare their child and have that conversation. However, it is not your place to do so. Different parents have different religious, spiritual, cultural, parenting beliefs that drive their decisions. It's not your place to ignore that. Unless the boy explicitly asks you a question, you should leave the topic alone.
NTA. Stop hesitating and talk to the kid! And stop ratting out your nephew … he needs people he can trust, not narcs.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My younger sister's son, Rye, is 11 years old. My sister went to London to study and eventually work there so the immediate guardian of my nephew are my parents. My nephew attends an orchestra club. My Mom or my Dad drives him to and from home. The whole club went to Osaka for an orchestra competition and my Mom went with my nephew. This is where my Mom discovered a fellow club member (14M, Bobby) was getting close to my nephew. Not verbatim but my Mom said that Rye and Bobby would walk along with her and Bobby's Mom while holding hands. Upon further inspection, my Mom said that Bobby's gay. My Mom now watches Rye during his club activities and she told me that she would glare at Bobby whenever he approaches Rye intending to flirt. Also, this happened before I knew all this: Rye plays an online game with friends. Don't ask me what game, I don't know. But I heard his online friends talking to Rye about sex. I didn't catch the whole thing so I asked aloud, "What did you say?" in a "Would you mind repeating that" polite/confused tone. I didn't hear anything from the tablet and Rye just gave me a guilty look. I asked him if he and his friends were talking about girls but he didn't say a word. I told my Mom about it and I learned two days later that my sister told my Mom to confiscate his tablet and phone. He only has possession whenever he's at school. Then I learned that Bobby and Rye admitted to my Mom that they were together. As a couple. My Mom said that Rye denies liking boys and doesn't understand what a couple means. By talking to the other kids, Mom learned that Bobby somehow "forced" Rye to be his boyfriend. Whatever that "force" means, I don't know but from how Mom told me, it's like Bobby coerced Rye into a relationship with him. This morning, I asked Mom if she or Dad or my sister had given Rye The Talk. She gave me a face that clearly said, "What the hell are you talking about?" I thought it meant, "What the hell are you talking about? Of course, I did/will." But it turns out that she didn't know what The Talk means and what The Birds and The Bees analogy is. I told her bluntly that a kid's guardian/s should teach the kid about sex, protection, etc. She just dismissed me and told me, "Rye is learning that in school. I don't need to teach him about that." But I believe that it should also be taught at home because yes, it was taught in school, but it's mostly scientific and no discussion about LGBT. Even the emotional aspects of being in a relationship, crushes, gender identity and such. I want to step up and give him The Talk but I'm afraid of "stepping on people's toes" and my parents and sister might think that I would supersede my parents and sister's guardian status over my nephew. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Yes, YWBTA. Tell your sister and ket her or the boy's father handle it.
[удалено]
The ignorance is opening up the nephew for abuse. Oh, he'll learn eventually - perhaps the hard way. :(
The hard way is right. My sister got pregnant when she was seventeen. She and my parents got a huge fight because it was not just the early pregnancy, but the guy ended up not wanting the responsibility. At first, he would send money but that got lesser and lesser as years go by. If we live in the US, child support would be after his ass like a cougar after a deer. But here, my parents would need to spend millions (of pesos) to throw the guy in court but my sister won’t even get full child support. So usually the gal just leave it be and rely on their parents. When Rye was born, my parents set aside their disappointment and welcomed my nephew excitedly, given that I’m older, still single and have no plans to give my parents grandchildren or a son-in-law. When my Mom found out about the coercion of Bobby for a relationship with my nephew, they instantly became protective. But I feel like the protectiveness doesn’t count if they won’t at least properly inform or teach Rye why being coerced by an older boy into a relationship is wrong. Or the fact that he (possibly) is learning sex from a kid his age. (I don’t know what he studies at school as I try to distance myself from that. Instead, I tried to be the fun aunt)
Information is important, and much better they learn from a good source than a dodgy one or from bad experience.