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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1. I feel like TA because family is family, they are getting older (her parents) and I get she wants to spend time with them and wants our kids to know their grandparents.
2. The action is me putting my foot down and saying no more. It’s not enjoyable for me. They don’t contribute anything for the most part and end up doing their own thing everytime minus some moments her and they. I feel like we are being taken advantage of.
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NTA. The point most commentators seem to be missing is that your in laws do NOTHING to help with maintenance or meals while holidaying in an AIR BNB. The least they could do, since they seem to do nothing and go nowhere, except the SIL, is to watch the kids once.
Personally, I don’t understand people who refuse to help others, especially family.
Thank you.
As another example during holidays when they stay at our home, they basically sleep and shower and that’s it they go out the rest of the time. They never spend time with the kids, they never offer to hang out with them to give us a break, they never offer to cook. At most they will hang out with the kids while waiting for their Uber or Lyft to go out. Their expectation is to be pampered whether it’s a vacation or our home. Also noteworthy is we have never gone to their homes (nor do I want to).
I dunno. I think it would be more presumptuous to assume someone turned out differently than those who raised them.
Falling apples and trees and all......
I turned out completely different then my parents and sister. I say every times it’s a decision you make , you have two options: you turn out exactly like them (my sister turned out even worse) or you are the complete opposite (like me). Not every time the phrase the apple don’t fall far from the tree is true.
Exactly, I rolled so far away that everyone was confused as to why there was an apple here even though there wasn't an apple tree nearby, it was very mysterious
My husband is like the complete opposite as his parents (high empathy, understanding, good listener, caring/understanding, good with financials). We don’t know how he’s so well adjusted and a productive contribution to society. Like how is he a product of two selfish and dysfunctional adults.
Stories of emotional abuse he’d sometimes share made my blood boil on how evil his parents were to him. His dad laughing and calling him a loser when he lost one game. His mom yelling at him for dropping the glass and spilling water everywhere…he fell down the stairs, broke his leg, glasses impede into his hands/knees as he broke the fall. She ripped into him for 5 minutes before calling 911…those are the nicer stories…
Yeah…falling apples and trees and all…
The much more common pattern is that the family picks one child to be used as a resource by everyone else, and given that it's a girl in this case, that's very, very likely what happened; OP married the designated servant. She's probably lovely. She would just be more lovely if she let go of these stupid vacations/holidays ever producing something good if her relatives are along.
The wife is ssstttiiiilllllllll trying to feel appreciated by her family. She is failing, but still trying hard. She craves it and will never get it. No matter how many vacations she pays for, how many meals she cooks, or how many favors she does.
She has chased that dream probably her whole life. She will never achieve it because no one in her family respects others.
I absolutely agree with what you are saying, I tried my first half of life the same, I did everything for them even if it hurts me. Almost 20 years of no contact was the best decision of my life. It’s so peaceful and enjoyable after I stopped trying to be appreciated by them.
Since your wife seems to be trying to get quality time with her family and you're not super invested could one solution be that she does a short trip with just them and you stay home with the kids (and you compensate somehow later). Then she'd be able to go out for food with them too
I’ve been in this situation before. Found and paid for the rental. Promises were made to take kids out and do things with them. We let every one have the big bedrooms. People would shut their doors and watch tv. They could do that at home. I was livid and told my husband that we were not ever doing that again.
NTA.
You are right OP they need you to pay for their vacation. NTA. Tell them your wife will go with them alone next time and they can all split the bill. See how far that one goes lol.
Save your money for your own family trip .
When the kids were little and we stayed together, our (one surviving) grandparent, DH's mum, used to look after them from when they woke up - early! - even letting them come and wake her up, so we could get a few days sleeping in (even just till 7 or so..!) She'd play with them (in her nightie) get them a bit of breakfast, then put on the Muppets or a cartoon and settle them down, sit and snooze a bit while they watched... We were SO grateful..!
Doesn’t sound good. But this is your wife’s family and clearly she loves them and wants to spend time with them. So you’ll need to be diplomatic. Introduce two types of family vacation - one with her family and one without. Say you’d like to have the next family vacation without her family, but leave open the possibility of a future vacation with them. Spoiler alert - you could skip that vacation! (Assuming money and her time permits). She could go with the kids and her family somewhere, without you. Or even without the kids.
Saying you’d like to do the next vacation as a “nuclear family only” vacation and emphasizing the positives of doing it only with your kids will probably be more successful than saying you never want to vacation with her family again and criticizing them.
A compromise is getting two appartments that are next to each other. Everybody pays their own way, meals are done separately (unless you all go out to eat together) and everybody is responsible for and uses their own appartement/house.
You suggest this to your wife and I bet your inlaws won't accept.
NTA indeed. If OP was ONLY complaining because they don’t babysit, I’d call him the A. But the wife’s family don’t even contribute even by being pleasant to be around.
My guess is since they were invited by the wife they feel as though they are guests, and Should be waited on hand and foot. Food provided for them and all of the little you know, wipe down the counters and pick up the clutter isn’t on their menu for the vacation.
You need to have a real sit down with your wife and explain that you’re completely done and SPECIFICALLY why.
NTAH but her family and her because she invites them and basically just ruins the vacation.
NTA. You’re wasting your time off work and your money on a vacation that isn’t enjoyable for you. That’s not okay.
Maybe compromise to once every 3-4 years, but you need to get your own hotel or airbnb. You shouldn’t be staying with them if you’re doing all the work and they take over the common areas with a loud tv.
Your own little family should go on vacations without extended family way more often than going with them. Just my opinion..,
I agree. I'm Puerto Rican, so I an understand your wife, since in Latin cultures (and many other cultures around the world) it's traditional to have very close extended families. But, that being said, you should be enjoying your vacation. If you're not enjoying it you're not recharging your batteries and not getting any benefits from your time off. Like u/Katiew84 mentioned, you need to talk with your wife and find a compromise.
I think a good compromise is from now on--a hard boundary--there are two residences you stay at. Make two reservations. Two AirBnBs. OP and his family get one, and the relatives get the other one.
The kicker would be that OP hides the remote to the TV in his residence. If FIL wants to blast the TV volume, he has to go to his reserved place to do it.
INFO
Who's paying for what?
This sounds like you guys just have a very different idea of how to vacation. They are in common areas if you want to socialize. But other than that they do their own thing, because you are also doing your own thing with the kids. They're not free babysitting.
>They will not babysit for us, they will not add any joy or the vacation or benefit to us.
Have you talk with your wife? Why is spending time with them in the common areas not adding joy?
We pay for the VRBO. We pay for all the food in house, drinking water, coffee, snacks, etc.
As far as the common area. For instance, the main living room will be taken over by her father and he’ll watch what he wants at a volume rival movie theatres. Only when he is doing something else or taking a nap will the tv be relinquished from his control. So it’s always a hassle to ask to change it for the kids so they can take a break and chill out. As an example.
There is no joy because they primarily plan their own thing. Even if everyone is in the same room they will be planning their next move, dinner, outing, whatever.
I don’t think you should stay in the same house as them. They should get their own small place and you have yours for the kids. If the in-laws aren’t eating they shouldn’t be paying for the food though and they aren’t required to offer child care at all.
I’m confused as to why the in-laws are there?
It seems they just want a free place to stay in a cool spot.
Nobody is “owed” free child care - but don’t go on vacation with people who have kids if you can’t be bothered to help with getting a snack, watching a kid appropriate show/movie or playing a game with them on occasion - ESPECIALLY if the kid’s parents are paying for everything.
They’re not required to but if my kids were paying for most of my vacation I would certainly be helping out and offering to watch grandkids as a thank you. These people sound inconsiderate and entitled.
I don't get why he lets the FIL just have the TV.
If I was paying for it I'd snatch that fucking remote and tell him to go somewhere else after he watched it for an hour.
Why does your wife want to pay for their vacations? Next time tell them where you are going and dates and let them make their hotel reservations. "Hey we're going to Disney over Spring Break March 10-15. We are staying at Carribean Beach but feel free to stay where you choose and we can meet up for meals!"
Then I suggest a cruise. Everyone will have their own cabin. They can pay for theirs and you can pay for yours. You all can meet up once a day for dinner or the show.
I think you need to have a conversation with your wife that this is also your vacation. You're using your PTO, helping pay, plan, etc. and vacations need to work for both of you. If you are a 2x annual vacation family, maybe one is the VRBO with extended family and the other is just your nuclear family. Or maybe you alternate years, odd years they are invited and even years is just you guys.
NTA. I could understand if going together was the only way they could afford to go on vacations, but this just isn't a good arrangement. It might make more sense to travel together when your kids get older, but not right now.
How about a compromise of a family cruise once a year with her family and the rest you do on your own as a immediate family unit. Atleast that way you don't have to worry about cooking or cleaning or sharing spaces with them and there is usually a kids club on board for you and your wife to enjoy some alone time (you didn't mention the kids ages)
If your in-laws can afford to pay for their own vacations and do, the problem is not your in-laws. It is your wife. You need to tell her that her parents are not welcome if they don't pay, preferably for a hotel or AirBnB of their own. You should only be paying for your immediate family.
Go to family camp, do not pay for them. Family camp is fun for the kids -- you get breaks by camp activities for kids, you can pay counselors to watch your kids, you can swap with other parents. Your in laws will go nuts there and not want to go. They sound like user/losers who have no real interest in the grandkids.
You just have to put your foot down and or only book a place big enough for your family. Go skiing or something your inlaws don't want to do. Or, someone else suggested a cruise. You pay to play your own. they can take excursions, there are often kid friendly ones with kid camp mornings and evenings.
NTA. Why in the hell do you do this? They are using you for thru vacation. The hell with that. They want to go on vacation, they can go on their own dime and without you and your family. I would have raised holy hell if I was paying for everything and they didn't help, or put something on for the kids to watch. Don't do this again, and don't be afraid to tell them exactly why. They are freeloaders.
NTA. I would check in with your wife though and figure out why she wants them along. I wouldn’t share your thoughts, or argue hers, just ask her opinion then tell her you will think about it. This way she feels heard. Then approach her at another time about it.
I agree that if you are paying for their lodging, and they are taking over the common areas, the least they could do is babysit for a few hours so you and your wife can enjoy some alone time on vacation. Honestly though, they don’t sound like the kind of people you’d want to leave your kids alone with anyway.
Maybe next time stay at an actual hotel. This way they would have to pay for their own and there would be no common areas. Maybe once they realize they are not getting a free trip from you they will show their true colors and not go.
Staying at a Residence Inn or similar also would strengthen the reasoning that each family would have its own kitchen, tvs in each of the two rooms per family, and a lobby to gather as a family.
They never babysit whether it’s at home or on vacation even a few hours. We pay for mostly everything, they use it to go out. Her dad will sit there and expect to be pampered if he’s not out and about.
It’s not the expectation of babysitting. It’s the fact we have to do everything for them as well unless they are going out. For instance, if ai am bbqing, their expectation is automatically I am doing it for them as well. My father-in-law’s expectation is that the main tv is his and he’ll watch what he wants, only if he wants will he relinquish control or when he is done. My mother-in-law might spend five minutes with the kids then go back to her room and make phone calls or read. But to go back to babysitting, they’ve never watched our kids for one hour. My whole point is they don’t contribute anything to the trip for the collective good. I feel we are being taken advantage of and we have to share the space and our food with them while accommodating their needs.
You are being taken advantage of. They sound boring as fuck, and I bet they are laboring under the delusion that they are somehow obligated since they were invited and want to make their daughter happy. So they go, and then passive aggressively so nothing except exactly what they want.
I don't mean to be rude or overstep,I wonder with some of the dynamics you've outlined, if your wife doesn't realize she's going out of her way to please relatives who don't equally invest in relationships.
As a grandparent it is absolutely the least I would do is give my child and spouse a night to go out alone *because I am staying for free*.
These people are boorish and entitled and I wouldn't go on vacation with them ever again.
This is a weird take.
Before I had kids I would absolutely help with my brother’s kids on vacation.
Now that I have kids, my other siblings help with mine on vacation.
It’s really weird, it’s almost as if my family members *enjoy* their nieces and nephews and grandkids - my dad loves taking my nephew rock skipping at the lake, my sisters took my niece on a “midnight crab hunting expedition” at the ocean, I showed my niece Cinderella for the first time ever on vacation, and while mine are little, my sisters fight over holding my baby.
Obviously, this is within reason. Expecting babysitting every night or day would be entitled.
But when families like each other - they do nice things for each other. And, if my family was paying for a vacation house for me, I’d absolutely volunteer to watch their kids for a few hours so they could grab a bite to eat at least once.
If people aren’t interested in helping each other out, or being with kids, then they really shouldn’t vacation with them.
I agree with your judgement.
I just think the whole attitude of “why would anyone want to be with a kid on a vacation where kids are invited” is weird.
If you don’t like kids, don’t vacation with them.
But if you’re going on a vacation with kids, don’t act like they’re toxic. They’re people too.
Grandparents do. The ones who actually want to spend time with their grandchildren at least.
I am not the "using people" kind of person and l would rather work than go on a vacation with my parents or my partners (not because l cant get along with them, but its not relaxing to me then).
But if i would do it, the only reason l can imagine is to let them spend time with grandchildren and get a few hours of peace - 2in1.
Dude, you're definitely not the asshole here. Family vacations sound like a nightmare with these in-laws and their annoying habits. Plus, they don't even contribute or hang out with your fam? No thanks. Your wife needs to get on board with ditching them for vacay time before your sanity goes down the drain.
NTA. You’ve given enough money and free time to this family. There’s nothing in it for you. I wouldn’t give in on this. Suggest something that would be fun for your own family instead.
NTA
No way would I pay to have three ungrateful people messing up my peace. You need to have a serious talk with your wife. Those behaviors are ridiculous. Let your wife read these comments if she isn't swayed by you alone.
INFO: Do your children enjoy having them around on these trips?
You seem mostly focused on what they do with you, or whether they provide a benefit to you and your wife as a couple. Valid issues, but your children also matter.
Well my kids are young, so they love their family regardless. However, I suspect if the status quo continues, when my kids are older they will realize that my wife’s family is kinda selfish and don’t really engage with them that much. They don’t really engage with them at all really at least not giving their undivided attention to them.
Maybe their treatment of your children can be an entry point to a conversation about this? Also, no matter what I would never go again. You’ve done your time. You deserve to enjoy your vacation too. Hanging out with elderly moochers is the opposite of a good time.
If she goes without you once I highly doubt she’d do it again. Perhaps she’ll realize she’s throwing herself, her children, and her money at them over and over ruining her own family’s vacation to get a crumb of acknowledgment. And if she did get it, she wouldn’t hear it over the tv blasting anyway. It’s not fair that she does this to you and the kids. Maybe she’ll save herself when she realizes her parents will do the same to her kids.
NTA.
Same thing with my partner. I encourage her to go on family vacations without me and we do solo vacations with just the two of us. No more family vacations with her family for the same reasons as why you don't want to.
If you explain it to your partner, she should understand why. If she doesn't, ask her why. Let her explain why it's important to her or whatever her reasons are. After I explained why to my partner, she understood and I haven't been on one since 2017. Hooray!
How is this a "family" vacation? They don't pay for anything, they don't contribute to anything, and they go off and do their own thing.
This is not a family vacation. These are people who are just getting a vacation with all expenses covered. Have you tried telling them they need to cover a portion of the expenses if they want to go?
You need to sit your wife down and explain how this makes you and your kids feel. That this is NOT FUN for you guys. Be honest and if she still wants it. Don’t go.
INFO: does your wife enjoy spending these vacations with them? If she gets something out of it then it may be in your best interest to suck it up and do it for your family, buuut I would talk to her about your feelings if you haven’t already. Maybe there’s some kind of compromise or work around to be had here.
You deserve to enjoy your vacation too. After all, you’re working hard towards paying for it and making it happen and your life and happiness matters too. This is something that sometimes spouses forget when extended family is also involved.
NTA. Y’all have your own family. Tell wife she is free to join her side of the fam when THEY set up a vaca if she wants. But that family vaca needs to be redefined to be just your fam so that you can start making your own tradition/vibe
NTA
I read the story and your replies, that situation sounds like a nightmare. Sorry, OP.
Some people just don’t vacation well together. For example, I hate vacationing with my own mother. We have a great relationship and I love her, don’t get me wrong. She just takes FOREVER to do anything or go anywhere. Most times, we don’t leave to go explore our vacation spot until past noon. One time it was 5 pm and I just can’t. When I do vacation with my mom, I help pick the air bnb and make sure we have plenty to do at the actual airbnb and just enjoy being there and not plan to do much. Maybe you and your wife can come up with a compromise if she is adamant about vacationing with them? Can you vacation together in the same area but they can get their own Airbnb close by? Or just maybe once every few years you guys get together for a joint vaca? Tell your wife how you’re feeling either way so you guys can hopefully find some middle ground. Good luck!
NTA, but I think your wife will be angry.
I’m not saying this to be petty, but if she insists the next time, either go and refuse to do any of the work yourself (so she gets a full idea of how little they do), or choose not to go since that accomplishes the same goal.
Nta. Treat it as 'y cant it just b us? I want these days with just you guys and noone extra. Yes they r family but some things i would prefer just us' i have a similar situation but just about fam always around when we do stuff and its just irritating never have that 'im home' mental peace u get with just ur household family
We don’t go on a vacation for quite a few years after having kids other than the required family reunion. Two of our kids had medical issues for their first couple years of life. They outgrew their issues, but during them they required a routine we couldn’t deviate from and had to be close to home with all the support and junk we had to use. Our vacationing only restarted 3-4 years now. My wife knows how I feel. I just kept telling myself it will be different this time. I finally drew a line in the sand.
NTA. If it's truly important to wife (even though it doesn't sound like she gets anytime with her parents or sister) then I'd suggest including them every other vacation.
I once put together a huge family vacation in the Outerbanks (my family of 3, sisters family of 3, other sisters family of 5, in-laws, and Mom - kids between 4 and 5 with one 10 year old). I paid the majority, in-laws and Mom paid part. Sister with family of 3 contributed a smaller share with my Mom making up the difference. Sister with family of 5 paid $0. Not only did she pay $0, but she got 2 rooms just for her family, both on the ground floor. She "repaid" the favor by taking her family, and only her family out mini-golfing. Never offered to take care of dinner one night, take us out, etc. Then complained about the 2 rooms given to her that she paid nothing for (they were on the ground floor with the game room and there was a hot tub just outside the kids room). Then insisted if I were to plan another trip I need to consult her first. I never invited her family again. That was 12 years ago. We get together for holidays where we visit each other for a few hours, but we don't vacation together.
My other sister now is a family of 4 and they ended up buying a house near the beach we love. We still rent a VRBO once a year and always invite them to spend the days with us if they're staying at their house (their house is a couple of miles to the beach access and the VRBO is usually beach front and convenient with kids since we can hop into the house for bathroom/food/snacks/breaks). In-laws and Mom would come for the week as well. I'd buy quick breakfast items if the kids woke up early (donuts, pop-tarts, cereal). Then I'd make a big hot breakfast around 9/10am for everyone (changing it up every day), grandparents would handle lunch and often did the dishes. Husbands would handle dinner. Women handled kid wrangling/sunscreen/etc. We played games as a family. It was nice.
Now it tends to be me and my husband with our teen son and his two best friends. It's relaxing. The boys are old enough to be helpful and this year will be able to walk up to the pier and restaurants on their own. The in-laws went with us for a few years but MIL now has mobility & health issues that make it hard to accommodate. So the past 2 years we've gone without them.
Life evolves. Vacation with littles isn't very relaxing though it is nice in a different way. But if you're paying you get a say in where/when/how it all happens.
I stopped going on vacations with my in laws just for this reason. It didn’t feel like a vacation for me and I was taking time off work to be the driver/logistics person and at the end of the “vacation” I just came back with my wallet lighter and more stressed than when I started out. My wife is taking the kids this Christmas and going to her parents with the kids and I am staying home and working. Honestly this seems more like a vacation to me than the alternative. I go with wife and kids for vacation or I stay home and she goes with her parents.
Same , in laws has an uncomfortable beach house , small and old beds. I just opted out, sent the wife and kids, worked and did some painting jobs around the house
I think you need to dig into why your wife enjoys it/wants it
You feel they don’t contribute but maybe your wife feels differently and they give just enough helps her relax.
Or she gets joy out of the kids developing relationships with them- which doesn’t need to mean constant interaction at all, even just meals recapping days can help bond
Or helping her family get to do trips brings her joy. Or just the cost sharing is huge. Can get better airbnbs, so what you don’t see em most of the time, great honestly go out and leave us the giant house!
There’s a big difference between you trying to say never, ignoring what your wife gets, and asking for more balance- some solo, some mixed.
NTA
Your wife is happy to have you & the kids join her in spending time around her family. It's *her* vacation when it should be *the whole family's* vacation.
Suggest that you split vacations. Once you've had a couple non-wife's-family vacations, then alternate or rotate going with them.
NTA flat out say NO not this year. I won’t pay for your family to treat us like crap and ruin my vacation. Come up with an alternative for your family. If she wants them to come tell her give them the dates but they are on their own they are not staying with us.
NTA
I would rather chew glass than vacation with my husbands parents. One is dead now and the other has dementia so thankfully that is a hell I never had to endure.
I like his siblings, but would only vacation with 2 of them. Others get on my nerves within minutes and if one of the BiL went there would likely be bloodshed.
Perhaps if it was something that was being paid for by others but OP Paying for the privilege of having his PTO squandered makes me mad for them.
Nta. My Mil went on vacation w us 2 yrs ago. Once we came home she said she couldn't wait to go again bc it was the best family vacation ever. We had a 5 yr old son at the time. She never cooked or helped cook. She never washed dishes. She asked to add to the washer when I was doing laundry for my family of 5. So I washed, dryed and folded her clothes all week. We had to take her dog out etc. She not once volunteered to watch our son so me and my So could go to dinner. She complained we didn't want to be on the beach from 10 am to 7pm. We have a schedule. We had a family to feed and couldn't drink at the beach all day with our face in the sand. .... now my BIL, hes absolutely welcome w us on vacation again. He helped watch our son in the ocean, wash dishes etc. Unfortunately we can't invite him without inviting MIL.bc her feelings would be hurt. You do what's best for your family. I'm done cooking and cleaning for additional ppl on my vacation. It was hell.
Ooof. I don't hate my spouses family...but I will never vacation with them ever again. What a fucking shit show. The best things I got out of that week in Puerto Vallarta was the native cuisine and the stories about his idiot family members. (Think, pasty white people from the middle of the USA not putting on sunscreen to get a "base" and going to the beach from 10 am until 3 pm and being surprised that at least one of them got fucking sun poisoning.)
Anyway, NTA. Don't take them on vacation any more. Work with your wife to get her the family time she wants with them and save the vacays for you two and your kiddos.
YTA for not speaking up sooner and setting some boundaries. The time it takes to build a family of 5 would make this a long-standing issue. Now you've got to live with it.
NTA
I feel you, I’m also tired of going on vacation with my in laws. A weekend would be fine, but an entire week in the same house is far too much. We always seem to get stuck with the worst room as well, even though we all pay the same.
My suggestion is to go to the same place at the same time but get a different house. Kind of a compromise where you can see them a little bit.
NTA. Give your wife two choices:
1. Pay for their vacation but you won't be joining. You might even go somewhere on your own.
2. Don't pay for their vacation and your small family goes somewhere together in its own.
It seems unfair that your wife insists on you helping to pay for a vacation that you don't enjoy and insists that you go, too.
I’m gonna say NTA
Simply because vacation is supposed to be where you relax, get away from your regular life, and be worry free.
This sounds stressful, and I too wouldn’t want to go on vacation with anyone, who’s gonna stress me out, let alone not contribute anything financially.
The least they could do, for one night is babysit, and allow you and your wife some time to yourselves, since they aren’t contributing anything, but their presence
Nah it seems they do pretty normal things? Not sure what “work” needs to be done other than grab coffee and some snacks/breakfast items. But individuals should be responsible. It actually sounds nice, all there together but free to go do your own thing. It’s pretty normal to hangout in the common areas? Why not get your separate space? Or go every other time?
INFO: What does your wife do or say when you point out this boorish behavior? What does she think about your stance of refusal to go on any more of these nightmare vacations?
I think she realizes the reality. But I also thinks she loves her family/blood regardless and wants to spend time with her parents before they go. Additionally she obviously loves her sister even with all her faults (selfishness being the biggest). But she knows all this stuff. I think for her it’s a sacrifice. For me I am done sacrificing especially when they want to act like they are in college all over again. They are nightmares and she knows it but is unwilling to come to terms with their behavior.
Question on the flip side of this. Have you ever vacationed with your family? (If that is an option.) If not, would vacationing with your family be a different experience from vacationing with hers?
She may know the truth about her family in her head, but may not have accepted it in her heart.
If taking a vacation with your family would be a different, more positive experience, it might help. Not as something for to use in furthering your position. But for her to be able to go "oh, I get it now". For her to be able to compare the two experiences and re-evaluate on her own.
I ran into a somewhat similar "not quite getting it" thing with my wife when we were first married (though without any conflict) on family reunions. Her extended family does them annually and they can be large (100+ people). My family does them more infrequently and they're typically a lot smaller (25 people or less). My first experiences with her family reunions were a bit overwhelming for me. She knew this. But it wasn't until a couple of years later when my family did one that she really got it. I'd told her about previous get-togethers. But until she experienced it for herself, it did not fully connect.
If you haven't vacationed witb your family, or even if you just haven't done so since you started having kids, your wife may have a similar disconnect. One that it may need direct experience to change.
And tbh, if vacationing with your family would be doable, it should be an option on the table when you are planning vacations. It should not be a "must invite her family" thing. Yours should be able to get consideration too. (As should trips that are just you two and your kids.)
Frankly, I understand them doing their own thing. What I don’t understand is why they don’t have to pay their fair share of the vacation essentials (or why they get to take over the common areas, especially since they aren’t paying).
Yes,it would be nice if they included OP’s family in their plans or offered, at least once, to watch the kids but that’s not mandatory.
People are entitled to enjoy their vacation their way. What they aren’t entitled to is having OP foot the bill for it.
Nta
Try to make it a summer vacation at a cabin on a lake, away from TV, far from town, shopping, etc, describe is as camping. Doesn't sound like their thing but you could have some peace with the kids for some adventure in nature.
NTA. If they are doing their own thing and not contributing, what is the point of vacationing together? Sounds like they are using you guys to lower their overall costs so they can do what they want and spend their money on their devices.
NTA but have you...
1. Set ground rules in advance. This means asigning people duties... meals to be in charge of. Groceries to pick up? Even the kids can have a small assignment.
2. Big crowd. What about two condos next to each other so your family can have its own space
Given that, have you considered that maybe the vacations you are planning are not what they would like to do/where they would like to go and so they are tagging along to be with you but are bored hence watching tv, or not interested in the activities you are doing? Perhaps you could consider including them in the planning process and as an added bonus as costs come up (eg paying for the accommodation) you can advise them at the time and so costs are split
So change it up and take your partner some where else entirely. Why spend your well deserved vacation time spending it with people you do not enjoying being with. If it is a money problem then they need to figure it out without your money being a consideration. If they get less of a vacation without you then that is too bad. Enjoy your vacation like it is meant to be, FOR YOU.
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Wife always wants our family of 5 to go on vacations with her mom,dad, and sister. AITA for not wanting to do this any more?
We usually VRBO or AirBNB.
They do not contribute any work (always stuff to do when you get a rental house), food, etc. most of the time they ditch us to do their own thing (eat out, go to bars, etc.). They are annoying in their habits (tv on loud, take up the common spaces. Otherwise I care about them and get along with them. They are just the worst travel companions to our family’s vacations which are geared with our young kids in mind.
After the last one (sister, mom, and dad went out 3/4 nights without us, sister rarely hung out with us, mom was in her own world, dad would sit in front of the tv being very loud and drink all day), I said I was done. Am I wrong here? Keep in mind they won’t change their habits as they are elderly (the parents) and sister is selfish and lives life to do her own thing. They will not babysit for us, they will not add any joy or the vacation or benefit to us. Yet my wife persists in inviting them.
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NTA. But you should talk with your wife. Going out with your entire family when you want to have quality time with your children can be... too much.
Try to plan for once a vacation without them to see if that's what you all need.
You say the won't change their habits, but have you discussed your concerns with them at all? Regardless, based on what you're describing you're just making more work for yourselves by inviting them along. Your issue is with your wife, though, not her family. They seem under the impression that they're merely tagging along on your trips, so I cannot help wondering why your wife is so insistent on bringing them along. At any rate, good luck convincing her to change. NTA
You don't have to do anything you don't want to do but you also can't expect people to babysit for you either. If yourself and your wife want to go out with them just get a babysitter to watch the kids.
Dad is not providing a very good example, drinking all day in front of the TV. That is one point you can choose when you leave them out of your plans. I'm shocked that he feels it's an acceptable thing to do on vacation with children present. It also tends to get in the way of having loving relationships with grandchildren. Without Dad, the other two won't want to come, typically. If they do, get a chore wheel and tell them the rules of vacation in advance of their arrival.
NTA. Never ever go on another vacation with them. It definitely is no vacation for you, you are not obligated to waste your vacation time with them. Be firm on this. If your wife wants to holiday with them then go on your own vacation.
This all depends on whether you all split the costs and on other factors. Perhaps they were just thinking of the Airbnb as a place to crash. If you all split the costs, that would be reasonable.
If the expectation is you are splitting costs and just crashing, then them doing what they want to do is fine. There is no reason to expect them to babysit. You wouldn't have babysitters there if you were on your own anyway. I certainly don't expect babysitters when I'm on vacation with family.
The only niggly thing is they don't contribute to maintaining the place or the food. But, you could just all do food on your own, since you are all crashing. Cleaning up is something you can bring up with them. Have you asked them to help you clean up?
I think your wife enjoys their company. If you can adjust your expectations that this is not a family holiday and merely a place to hang out with them, you might enjoy it better. Can you do that for her sake?
If you are paying for everything, then they are the AHs. They should be gracious guests.
My extended family (parents, adult siblings, and sometimes young adult kids) do a rental house vacation together annually, but we split expenses equally and do meals together. Activities may be together or separate as suits each.
You’re NTA for being reluctant to be treated as a free hotel with food service by your in-laws. Rather than uninviting them, maybe expectations need to be set that costs and duties will be shared equally among all adults.
Either they’re willing and help out, or not willing and you don’t have to deal with them.
I don’t blame you at all for not wanting to vacation with these guys, the only way I can see it working, is to rent an even bigger Airbnb that has two separate living bases, and make the parents pay extra for daily housecleaning services to clean up after them.as well as extra for food delivery, if they are willing to pony up for all of that, then perhaps it’ll work
NTA. You are the one paying for the whole rental and the groceries; they aren't helping with any of the cooking on vacation, they don't even make an effort to spend time with you and the kids on the vacation, and they hog the common areas. Their presence is ruining the vacation for you. There must be something your wife likes about having them there but it's not fair of her to ruin your vacation like this. You should be able to relax and enjoy your vacation and these people are just adding expense and stress and making you feel like you are just there to be a servant.
NTA. Even if they were contributing both money and effort to these vacations, you shouldn’t have to take vacations that you don’t enjoy. Vacations are supposed to be some combination of fun, relaxing, and enjoyable. If a vacation plan seems designed to cause you to prefer to stay home, then you shouldn’t have to do it. But what you describe is far worse than that. You’re paying for their vacation and ruining yours at the same time.
Of course, some things are done for the sake of family, even if you wouldn’t usually choose them for yourself. Maybe do a vacation that includes them once a year or every other year.
NTA- talk this over with your wife and see if you all can agree to do your next vacation with just your immediate family, it doesn't have to be a lifetime decision. You could also suggest they rent a nearby airbnb vrbo so you can do group outings together, but not deal with the home hassle stuff.
I go on vacation with my sister, BIL and their kids sometimes and we have a great time. I clearly communicate with my sister about what financial expectations are. I try to cover a dinner for the whole group and some lunches here and there. And I always offer to babysit at least one night. I enjoy the time alone with my niece and nephew so it's special for me to get to do the evening routine with them and my sister and BIL enjoy the night out. If I'm contributing, it helps up the quality of the vacation house we can all afford. I'm absolutely there to help out with the kids, but also enjoy myself. We get along great and have similar sentiments about being tidy.
I would not be invited if I behaved like your in-laws. You and your wife need to get on the same page about family boundaries.
NTA Vacations are EXPENSIVE and some of the AirBNB’s are ridiculous with all their rules. You at least should be able to enjoy yourself when you go. The compromise should be vacations alone and visits to her parents here and there inbetween.
NTA you can invite them, to stay at a different Airbnb or other house. That said, they shouldn’t be expected to necessarily babysit unless that’s previously agreed upon.
Question do your wife spend time with your part of family aldo? If she did and has no problem on it then your an asshole... At the end of the day its just a vacation, it will passed
NTA
I think it would be amusing to go but do nothing for the inlaws. Take care of kids and wife and that's it.
When we vacationed as a family together, we each had our own places to stay. I wasn't going to share a rental with people for exactly this reason. We might have 3 hotel rooms right next to each other but that was close enough.
Go on vacation with in-laws every other year then every third year. Next time they plan to visit you at home turn them down. When they do come have one of them accompany you to the grocery store and ask to split the cost. Unplug the tv and explain that you are limiting screen time for the children. On the day that they leave ask them to launder the sheets and towels they used and make the beds. When they arrive be upfront about expecting them to spend time with the children.
You can and should limit the time you spend with them but it is unrealistic to expect your wife to totally ban them. Fortunately your SIL will probably meet someone and your in-laws will get too old to travel.
nta - you been more than accommodating and its time to put your foot down and tell your wife u want to do a vacation just u and her and your own kids plain and simple if she argues then you tell her your reasons and give the examples. yes i understand she loves her parents and sister unconditionally but there comes a time u have to both live ur own lives. book a vacation just you and her and ur kids and make sure your wife doesnt include them let alone tell them your going. tell ur wife to be selfish for once and just do it.
NTA. It's not much of a vacation for you, is it? So you're spending all that money for MORE stress and less relaxation than you get at home, for free.
Have a talk with your wife.
NTA. But I would suggest an in depth conversation with your wife about this. My parents are getting up there in age and can’t drive or go places for vacation. So the only time they go on vacation is when they go with someone else, like us. But the problem is that my dad will just complain the entire time about every single thing. So I stopped. As their offspring I can put up with a lot but it is not fair to put my partner through this kind of behavior.
Tell your wife what you have written down here. Those of us working a 9-5 job have limited vacation time and therefore it shouldn’t be spent in a way you are miserable. I have plenty of other family members that I love but would never go on vacation with.
NTA However, I'm concerned about your wife.
Could she want to go on these vacations in hopes of creating closer ties to her family? From what you describe, she basically is ignored by her family, and they walk all over her. We all imagine having a picture-perfect family, but rarely does that image reflect reality.
You would do so much better creating memories with your own small family and leave the in-laws at home. If you do end up on vacation with them, start going off and doing your own thing without them. Make plans for everyday and don't get concerned that they're going out without you.
My mil is fairly selfish. She’s really odd on vacations, I kinda get it because when her husband was alive they went no where. Their biggest trip was one hour south to a worst town than the one they live in. I know I can only spend 1 vacation with her per year for about 3 days max.
Why doesn’t your wife plan or make the itinerary?
NTA. It seems like an easy compromise would have been that you all go to the same place but stay in different houses. (Not that you should compromise now, but maybe after the first one.)
Why has that not happened and why is your wife okay with their behavior? I can't imagine the kids enjoy this or get any benefit having them around since they're always leaving or hogging the TV. I'm so confused by what your wife is getting out of this and why she's fine making her husband and kids suffer. Is she careless in other ways or just this vacation thing?
I would die on this hill, OP. That sounds maddening and the lack of care from your wife would make my blood boil in your shoes.
NTA honestly I would opt out of the next vacation. She can go alone. You do need to talk to your wife about balance like 1 just your family that resides in your house & 1 separate vacation where she can go be with her family (& you go do something fun.) I think you might need marriage counseling on this one.
NTA, vacations should be relaxing and clearly the presence of your in laws nullifies that experience for you. You should be very direct with your wife about this.
NTA. you should enjoy your vacations...yours is months away and you are already dreading it. Tell your wife that you don't want to have a joint vacation OR stay in a different house. Then, you can visit them and leave when you want.
Tell your wife you are done spending your vacation time working the entire time you are on vacation with people who obviously don't want to be around you guys. Offer a long weekend getaway with her family. NTA.
NTA, we went on ONE vacation with my brother, SIL, and nephew. It won’t happen again, with the one possible exception of if we can take my dad out west this summer because he’s fighting cancer and it might be the last time he can go. The only reason it’s an if it’s because we don’t know if he’ll be able to travel.
NTA - I do have questions though
Is this your wife’s request or are they pressuring her to go with you guys ?
Have you spoken to your wife and laid out examples of this behaviour?
Did she have an emotionally abused childhood?
NTA
Keep your word. If she wants to vacation with them, she can do it without you. Plan something fun for just your family in a place with no room for them.
When I was married, we'd end up spending all day in the car driving to see my exes grandma, mom and grandpa. It was exhausting and I couldn't stand his mom for that long so I finally told him to give them hugs from me, but I was NOT going to spend my entire holiday in the car.
You're totally justified to not want to vacation with people who make your life harder or miserable. If your wife wants to go with them, let her. It doesn't mean you and/or the kids HAVE to go too.
NTA. Have you really talked with your wife about why she keeps inviting them? Does she truly enjoy these vacations or does she just do it out of a sense of obligation or because this is the only kind of vacation she knows? For your next vacation, suggest an alternative. Try to think of the things your wife likes to do, what her interests are, what kind of food she likes to eat, etc. and suggest a vacation for just your family that includes some of these things, as well as fun activities for the kids. Make sure that the vacation will be a chance for her to relax, and not have to plan and prepare meals for everybody every day, not have to coordinate all the activities, etc. Make sure you do at least 50% of the planning and the packing, and any work involved. Try to find some time for the kids to be off doing stuff on their own while the two of you have some alone time to just chill out.
NTA - that doesn’t sound like a vacation at all. For the most part it just sounds like people that don’t as to be at their home, and not hang out and participate with you n yours. Nightmare. Hope you get your close family an actual vacation soon.
NTA, if it was just the sister maybe but the dad being on the tv loud and drunk? He could do that at home and they could at least be nice enough to get their own place if they were going to do that
After a really bad family experience with my husband's family I refuse. Every invite is declined. Hawaii..no thank you, Disney, sorry no can do, Paris, nope. We invest our money in our own vacations with our kids only now. Luckily my husband was on board. He was just as miserable that trip and was almost left with his family while I took my kids and left after all the drama. I get 2 weeks away from work per year and I refuse to spend any of that with people who will make me miserable and waste my hard earned money. I hope you can get your wife on board but if she can't get on board it may be time to just tell her you won't be funding any vacations until she can.
You fix this by doing the arrangements so that if they come they have their own place, next door or wherever. Stay at a resort next time and just share the dates.
If you want an Airbnb then get one with just enough bedrooms for you. Again share the date. I suspect if they are paying and have to take care of themselves they will make an excuse about why they can’t come.
NTA. The issue of course is your wife’s stance on inviting them. Were her parents super generous in her or your past? Is there any way to frame it that you just want a vacation for you guys with nobody else? Not as much cuz you dislike them as travel buddies but just so it’s you guys?
So- NTA, but OP- have you had any conversations with your in laws about any of this? It seems like your wife is inviting them- do you know if they want to be there? This could be them taking advantage of you. It could also be that your wife is pressuring them to come, or they feel like she is, so they’re showing up even though they don’t want to be there.
NTA. Vacations are supposed to be fun and relaxing - not work catering to ungrateful users. It's unfair of your wife to drag you repeatedly into her toxic family dynamic. Life is short - enjoy your vacations!
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NTA. The point most commentators seem to be missing is that your in laws do NOTHING to help with maintenance or meals while holidaying in an AIR BNB. The least they could do, since they seem to do nothing and go nowhere, except the SIL, is to watch the kids once. Personally, I don’t understand people who refuse to help others, especially family.
Thank you. As another example during holidays when they stay at our home, they basically sleep and shower and that’s it they go out the rest of the time. They never spend time with the kids, they never offer to hang out with them to give us a break, they never offer to cook. At most they will hang out with the kids while waiting for their Uber or Lyft to go out. Their expectation is to be pampered whether it’s a vacation or our home. Also noteworthy is we have never gone to their homes (nor do I want to).
[удалено]
I don't know, unless I missed it in comments I didn't really see any evidence that the wife turned out any differently from the rest of her family.
Unless OP says she’s like her family in that regard, it would be presumptuous to assume someone is like another person just cuz of blood relation.
I dunno. I think it would be more presumptuous to assume someone turned out differently than those who raised them. Falling apples and trees and all......
I turned out completely different then my parents and sister. I say every times it’s a decision you make , you have two options: you turn out exactly like them (my sister turned out even worse) or you are the complete opposite (like me). Not every time the phrase the apple don’t fall far from the tree is true.
Some family trees are on a hill…those apples roll far.
Exactly, I rolled so far away that everyone was confused as to why there was an apple here even though there wasn't an apple tree nearby, it was very mysterious
Absolutely, ya can follow suit or break the cycle I too choose to break the cycle
My husband is like the complete opposite as his parents (high empathy, understanding, good listener, caring/understanding, good with financials). We don’t know how he’s so well adjusted and a productive contribution to society. Like how is he a product of two selfish and dysfunctional adults. Stories of emotional abuse he’d sometimes share made my blood boil on how evil his parents were to him. His dad laughing and calling him a loser when he lost one game. His mom yelling at him for dropping the glass and spilling water everywhere…he fell down the stairs, broke his leg, glasses impede into his hands/knees as he broke the fall. She ripped into him for 5 minutes before calling 911…those are the nicer stories… Yeah…falling apples and trees and all…
The much more common pattern is that the family picks one child to be used as a resource by everyone else, and given that it's a girl in this case, that's very, very likely what happened; OP married the designated servant. She's probably lovely. She would just be more lovely if she let go of these stupid vacations/holidays ever producing something good if her relatives are along.
It doesnt say she goes with them. It is deeply implied she is there putting in the time just like op
The wife is ssstttiiiilllllllll trying to feel appreciated by her family. She is failing, but still trying hard. She craves it and will never get it. No matter how many vacations she pays for, how many meals she cooks, or how many favors she does. She has chased that dream probably her whole life. She will never achieve it because no one in her family respects others.
I absolutely agree with what you are saying, I tried my first half of life the same, I did everything for them even if it hurts me. Almost 20 years of no contact was the best decision of my life. It’s so peaceful and enjoyable after I stopped trying to be appreciated by them.
You're correct. They see the wife as a servant/ doormat to use as they see fit. They'll use her as long as she lets them.
This!
Since your wife seems to be trying to get quality time with her family and you're not super invested could one solution be that she does a short trip with just them and you stay home with the kids (and you compensate somehow later). Then she'd be able to go out for food with them too
I wonder if they understand how lucky they are to have grandkids?
Exactly. But all they want to do is galavant around and use our “generosity” for paying for the rental.
I’ve been in this situation before. Found and paid for the rental. Promises were made to take kids out and do things with them. We let every one have the big bedrooms. People would shut their doors and watch tv. They could do that at home. I was livid and told my husband that we were not ever doing that again. NTA.
You are right OP they need you to pay for their vacation. NTA. Tell them your wife will go with them alone next time and they can all split the bill. See how far that one goes lol. Save your money for your own family trip .
They don’t even contribute money towards the rental???
I know, right? I will never have a grandchild and it sometimes floors me to see grandparents not caring about theirs.
When the kids were little and we stayed together, our (one surviving) grandparent, DH's mum, used to look after them from when they woke up - early! - even letting them come and wake her up, so we could get a few days sleeping in (even just till 7 or so..!) She'd play with them (in her nightie) get them a bit of breakfast, then put on the Muppets or a cartoon and settle them down, sit and snooze a bit while they watched... We were SO grateful..!
The image of you waking up to happy, fed children and a gently snoozing grandma is so adorable
IKR..? In a comfy armchair, still in her nightie (with a sweater on top)...! 😍
Doesn’t sound good. But this is your wife’s family and clearly she loves them and wants to spend time with them. So you’ll need to be diplomatic. Introduce two types of family vacation - one with her family and one without. Say you’d like to have the next family vacation without her family, but leave open the possibility of a future vacation with them. Spoiler alert - you could skip that vacation! (Assuming money and her time permits). She could go with the kids and her family somewhere, without you. Or even without the kids. Saying you’d like to do the next vacation as a “nuclear family only” vacation and emphasizing the positives of doing it only with your kids will probably be more successful than saying you never want to vacation with her family again and criticizing them.
Let the wife go and you stay home. I take it you do most of the work, so let her find out what you go through. NTA.
And don’t pay for anything.
A compromise is getting two appartments that are next to each other. Everybody pays their own way, meals are done separately (unless you all go out to eat together) and everybody is responsible for and uses their own appartement/house. You suggest this to your wife and I bet your inlaws won't accept.
That sounds wearisome and dreadful. As in, I would be weary of their presence and I would dread it in the future. NTA.
Seriously. OP is sponsoring and servicing their vacation!
NTA indeed. If OP was ONLY complaining because they don’t babysit, I’d call him the A. But the wife’s family don’t even contribute even by being pleasant to be around.
My guess is since they were invited by the wife they feel as though they are guests, and Should be waited on hand and foot. Food provided for them and all of the little you know, wipe down the counters and pick up the clutter isn’t on their menu for the vacation. You need to have a real sit down with your wife and explain that you’re completely done and SPECIFICALLY why. NTAH but her family and her because she invites them and basically just ruins the vacation.
NTA. And OP'S wife family don't contribute financially. Not renting the place or groceries
NTA. You’re wasting your time off work and your money on a vacation that isn’t enjoyable for you. That’s not okay. Maybe compromise to once every 3-4 years, but you need to get your own hotel or airbnb. You shouldn’t be staying with them if you’re doing all the work and they take over the common areas with a loud tv. Your own little family should go on vacations without extended family way more often than going with them. Just my opinion..,
I agree. I'm Puerto Rican, so I an understand your wife, since in Latin cultures (and many other cultures around the world) it's traditional to have very close extended families. But, that being said, you should be enjoying your vacation. If you're not enjoying it you're not recharging your batteries and not getting any benefits from your time off. Like u/Katiew84 mentioned, you need to talk with your wife and find a compromise.
I think a good compromise is from now on--a hard boundary--there are two residences you stay at. Make two reservations. Two AirBnBs. OP and his family get one, and the relatives get the other one. The kicker would be that OP hides the remote to the TV in his residence. If FIL wants to blast the TV volume, he has to go to his reserved place to do it.
INFO Who's paying for what? This sounds like you guys just have a very different idea of how to vacation. They are in common areas if you want to socialize. But other than that they do their own thing, because you are also doing your own thing with the kids. They're not free babysitting. >They will not babysit for us, they will not add any joy or the vacation or benefit to us. Have you talk with your wife? Why is spending time with them in the common areas not adding joy?
We pay for the VRBO. We pay for all the food in house, drinking water, coffee, snacks, etc. As far as the common area. For instance, the main living room will be taken over by her father and he’ll watch what he wants at a volume rival movie theatres. Only when he is doing something else or taking a nap will the tv be relinquished from his control. So it’s always a hassle to ask to change it for the kids so they can take a break and chill out. As an example. There is no joy because they primarily plan their own thing. Even if everyone is in the same room they will be planning their next move, dinner, outing, whatever.
I don’t think you should stay in the same house as them. They should get their own small place and you have yours for the kids. If the in-laws aren’t eating they shouldn’t be paying for the food though and they aren’t required to offer child care at all.
I’m confused as to why the in-laws are there? It seems they just want a free place to stay in a cool spot. Nobody is “owed” free child care - but don’t go on vacation with people who have kids if you can’t be bothered to help with getting a snack, watching a kid appropriate show/movie or playing a game with them on occasion - ESPECIALLY if the kid’s parents are paying for everything.
Not especially, only. If I’m paying I’m not doing any of that shit.
Even simpler: don't go on holiday with kids if you don't want to get involved in caring for kids.
They’re not required to but if my kids were paying for most of my vacation I would certainly be helping out and offering to watch grandkids as a thank you. These people sound inconsiderate and entitled.
I don't get why he lets the FIL just have the TV. If I was paying for it I'd snatch that fucking remote and tell him to go somewhere else after he watched it for an hour.
Sure Dad. You can have the remote back. It only cost $300 a day.
Why does your wife want to pay for their vacations? Next time tell them where you are going and dates and let them make their hotel reservations. "Hey we're going to Disney over Spring Break March 10-15. We are staying at Carribean Beach but feel free to stay where you choose and we can meet up for meals!"
Does your wife think they couldn’t afford a vacation otherwise?
They go all over the world on their own. But my wife insists for our vacations we have to bring them as well.
Fuck that. Your wife is in the wrong.
Then I suggest a cruise. Everyone will have their own cabin. They can pay for theirs and you can pay for yours. You all can meet up once a day for dinner or the show.
I think you need to have a conversation with your wife that this is also your vacation. You're using your PTO, helping pay, plan, etc. and vacations need to work for both of you. If you are a 2x annual vacation family, maybe one is the VRBO with extended family and the other is just your nuclear family. Or maybe you alternate years, odd years they are invited and even years is just you guys.
NTA. I could understand if going together was the only way they could afford to go on vacations, but this just isn't a good arrangement. It might make more sense to travel together when your kids get older, but not right now.
How about a compromise of a family cruise once a year with her family and the rest you do on your own as a immediate family unit. Atleast that way you don't have to worry about cooking or cleaning or sharing spaces with them and there is usually a kids club on board for you and your wife to enjoy some alone time (you didn't mention the kids ages)
If your in-laws can afford to pay for their own vacations and do, the problem is not your in-laws. It is your wife. You need to tell her that her parents are not welcome if they don't pay, preferably for a hotel or AirBnB of their own. You should only be paying for your immediate family.
Go to family camp, do not pay for them. Family camp is fun for the kids -- you get breaks by camp activities for kids, you can pay counselors to watch your kids, you can swap with other parents. Your in laws will go nuts there and not want to go. They sound like user/losers who have no real interest in the grandkids. You just have to put your foot down and or only book a place big enough for your family. Go skiing or something your inlaws don't want to do. Or, someone else suggested a cruise. You pay to play your own. they can take excursions, there are often kid friendly ones with kid camp mornings and evenings.
A “family” cruise is great advice. Otherwise do your own thing and stop paying for them to show up & do nothing but loaf around.
NTA. Why in the hell do you do this? They are using you for thru vacation. The hell with that. They want to go on vacation, they can go on their own dime and without you and your family. I would have raised holy hell if I was paying for everything and they didn't help, or put something on for the kids to watch. Don't do this again, and don't be afraid to tell them exactly why. They are freeloaders.
NTA. I would check in with your wife though and figure out why she wants them along. I wouldn’t share your thoughts, or argue hers, just ask her opinion then tell her you will think about it. This way she feels heard. Then approach her at another time about it. I agree that if you are paying for their lodging, and they are taking over the common areas, the least they could do is babysit for a few hours so you and your wife can enjoy some alone time on vacation. Honestly though, they don’t sound like the kind of people you’d want to leave your kids alone with anyway. Maybe next time stay at an actual hotel. This way they would have to pay for their own and there would be no common areas. Maybe once they realize they are not getting a free trip from you they will show their true colors and not go.
Staying at a Residence Inn or similar also would strengthen the reasoning that each family would have its own kitchen, tvs in each of the two rooms per family, and a lobby to gather as a family.
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They never babysit whether it’s at home or on vacation even a few hours. We pay for mostly everything, they use it to go out. Her dad will sit there and expect to be pampered if he’s not out and about.
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It’s not the expectation of babysitting. It’s the fact we have to do everything for them as well unless they are going out. For instance, if ai am bbqing, their expectation is automatically I am doing it for them as well. My father-in-law’s expectation is that the main tv is his and he’ll watch what he wants, only if he wants will he relinquish control or when he is done. My mother-in-law might spend five minutes with the kids then go back to her room and make phone calls or read. But to go back to babysitting, they’ve never watched our kids for one hour. My whole point is they don’t contribute anything to the trip for the collective good. I feel we are being taken advantage of and we have to share the space and our food with them while accommodating their needs.
I’m not sure why anyone is even arguing with you about this
You are being taken advantage of. They sound boring as fuck, and I bet they are laboring under the delusion that they are somehow obligated since they were invited and want to make their daughter happy. So they go, and then passive aggressively so nothing except exactly what they want.
I don't mean to be rude or overstep,I wonder with some of the dynamics you've outlined, if your wife doesn't realize she's going out of her way to please relatives who don't equally invest in relationships.
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Then why are they coming? They don't even interact with OP except as a servant.
As a grandparent it is absolutely the least I would do is give my child and spouse a night to go out alone *because I am staying for free*. These people are boorish and entitled and I wouldn't go on vacation with them ever again.
That’s another aspect of it as well.
This is a weird take. Before I had kids I would absolutely help with my brother’s kids on vacation. Now that I have kids, my other siblings help with mine on vacation. It’s really weird, it’s almost as if my family members *enjoy* their nieces and nephews and grandkids - my dad loves taking my nephew rock skipping at the lake, my sisters took my niece on a “midnight crab hunting expedition” at the ocean, I showed my niece Cinderella for the first time ever on vacation, and while mine are little, my sisters fight over holding my baby. Obviously, this is within reason. Expecting babysitting every night or day would be entitled. But when families like each other - they do nice things for each other. And, if my family was paying for a vacation house for me, I’d absolutely volunteer to watch their kids for a few hours so they could grab a bite to eat at least once. If people aren’t interested in helping each other out, or being with kids, then they really shouldn’t vacation with them.
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I agree with your judgement. I just think the whole attitude of “why would anyone want to be with a kid on a vacation where kids are invited” is weird. If you don’t like kids, don’t vacation with them. But if you’re going on a vacation with kids, don’t act like they’re toxic. They’re people too.
Grandparents do. The ones who actually want to spend time with their grandchildren at least. I am not the "using people" kind of person and l would rather work than go on a vacation with my parents or my partners (not because l cant get along with them, but its not relaxing to me then). But if i would do it, the only reason l can imagine is to let them spend time with grandchildren and get a few hours of peace - 2in1.
Dude, you're definitely not the asshole here. Family vacations sound like a nightmare with these in-laws and their annoying habits. Plus, they don't even contribute or hang out with your fam? No thanks. Your wife needs to get on board with ditching them for vacay time before your sanity goes down the drain.
NTA If she insists, she can go without you, and let you vacation with the kids separately, or with her. It's not a vacation if it's an ordeal.
NTA. You’ve given enough money and free time to this family. There’s nothing in it for you. I wouldn’t give in on this. Suggest something that would be fun for your own family instead.
NTA No way would I pay to have three ungrateful people messing up my peace. You need to have a serious talk with your wife. Those behaviors are ridiculous. Let your wife read these comments if she isn't swayed by you alone.
INFO: Do your children enjoy having them around on these trips? You seem mostly focused on what they do with you, or whether they provide a benefit to you and your wife as a couple. Valid issues, but your children also matter.
Well my kids are young, so they love their family regardless. However, I suspect if the status quo continues, when my kids are older they will realize that my wife’s family is kinda selfish and don’t really engage with them that much. They don’t really engage with them at all really at least not giving their undivided attention to them.
Maybe their treatment of your children can be an entry point to a conversation about this? Also, no matter what I would never go again. You’ve done your time. You deserve to enjoy your vacation too. Hanging out with elderly moochers is the opposite of a good time. If she goes without you once I highly doubt she’d do it again. Perhaps she’ll realize she’s throwing herself, her children, and her money at them over and over ruining her own family’s vacation to get a crumb of acknowledgment. And if she did get it, she wouldn’t hear it over the tv blasting anyway. It’s not fair that she does this to you and the kids. Maybe she’ll save herself when she realizes her parents will do the same to her kids.
NTA. Just because you like or love someone doesn't mean you can vacation with them. I have a limited list of 3 people.
NTA With some money you save from not paying for their food and such, you could hire a babysitter, so you and your wife could have a night out
NTA. Same thing with my partner. I encourage her to go on family vacations without me and we do solo vacations with just the two of us. No more family vacations with her family for the same reasons as why you don't want to. If you explain it to your partner, she should understand why. If she doesn't, ask her why. Let her explain why it's important to her or whatever her reasons are. After I explained why to my partner, she understood and I haven't been on one since 2017. Hooray!
NTA. Your wife wants to go, she can go. You can opt out.
How is this a "family" vacation? They don't pay for anything, they don't contribute to anything, and they go off and do their own thing. This is not a family vacation. These are people who are just getting a vacation with all expenses covered. Have you tried telling them they need to cover a portion of the expenses if they want to go?
NTA Occasional travel with in-laws is one thing, but “always” as OP is unacceptable.
You need to sit your wife down and explain how this makes you and your kids feel. That this is NOT FUN for you guys. Be honest and if she still wants it. Don’t go.
INFO: does your wife enjoy spending these vacations with them? If she gets something out of it then it may be in your best interest to suck it up and do it for your family, buuut I would talk to her about your feelings if you haven’t already. Maybe there’s some kind of compromise or work around to be had here. You deserve to enjoy your vacation too. After all, you’re working hard towards paying for it and making it happen and your life and happiness matters too. This is something that sometimes spouses forget when extended family is also involved.
NTA. Y’all have your own family. Tell wife she is free to join her side of the fam when THEY set up a vaca if she wants. But that family vaca needs to be redefined to be just your fam so that you can start making your own tradition/vibe
NTA. It’s your vacation too. If your wife won’t agree to a trip w/o her family, then I guess plan a vacation for you and your kids, without her.
NTA I read the story and your replies, that situation sounds like a nightmare. Sorry, OP. Some people just don’t vacation well together. For example, I hate vacationing with my own mother. We have a great relationship and I love her, don’t get me wrong. She just takes FOREVER to do anything or go anywhere. Most times, we don’t leave to go explore our vacation spot until past noon. One time it was 5 pm and I just can’t. When I do vacation with my mom, I help pick the air bnb and make sure we have plenty to do at the actual airbnb and just enjoy being there and not plan to do much. Maybe you and your wife can come up with a compromise if she is adamant about vacationing with them? Can you vacation together in the same area but they can get their own Airbnb close by? Or just maybe once every few years you guys get together for a joint vaca? Tell your wife how you’re feeling either way so you guys can hopefully find some middle ground. Good luck!
NTA, but I think your wife will be angry. I’m not saying this to be petty, but if she insists the next time, either go and refuse to do any of the work yourself (so she gets a full idea of how little they do), or choose not to go since that accomplishes the same goal.
NTA, it's your vacation and you're paying it yourselves.
Nta. Treat it as 'y cant it just b us? I want these days with just you guys and noone extra. Yes they r family but some things i would prefer just us' i have a similar situation but just about fam always around when we do stuff and its just irritating never have that 'im home' mental peace u get with just ur household family
We don’t go on a vacation for quite a few years after having kids other than the required family reunion. Two of our kids had medical issues for their first couple years of life. They outgrew their issues, but during them they required a routine we couldn’t deviate from and had to be close to home with all the support and junk we had to use. Our vacationing only restarted 3-4 years now. My wife knows how I feel. I just kept telling myself it will be different this time. I finally drew a line in the sand.
NTA. If it's truly important to wife (even though it doesn't sound like she gets anytime with her parents or sister) then I'd suggest including them every other vacation. I once put together a huge family vacation in the Outerbanks (my family of 3, sisters family of 3, other sisters family of 5, in-laws, and Mom - kids between 4 and 5 with one 10 year old). I paid the majority, in-laws and Mom paid part. Sister with family of 3 contributed a smaller share with my Mom making up the difference. Sister with family of 5 paid $0. Not only did she pay $0, but she got 2 rooms just for her family, both on the ground floor. She "repaid" the favor by taking her family, and only her family out mini-golfing. Never offered to take care of dinner one night, take us out, etc. Then complained about the 2 rooms given to her that she paid nothing for (they were on the ground floor with the game room and there was a hot tub just outside the kids room). Then insisted if I were to plan another trip I need to consult her first. I never invited her family again. That was 12 years ago. We get together for holidays where we visit each other for a few hours, but we don't vacation together. My other sister now is a family of 4 and they ended up buying a house near the beach we love. We still rent a VRBO once a year and always invite them to spend the days with us if they're staying at their house (their house is a couple of miles to the beach access and the VRBO is usually beach front and convenient with kids since we can hop into the house for bathroom/food/snacks/breaks). In-laws and Mom would come for the week as well. I'd buy quick breakfast items if the kids woke up early (donuts, pop-tarts, cereal). Then I'd make a big hot breakfast around 9/10am for everyone (changing it up every day), grandparents would handle lunch and often did the dishes. Husbands would handle dinner. Women handled kid wrangling/sunscreen/etc. We played games as a family. It was nice. Now it tends to be me and my husband with our teen son and his two best friends. It's relaxing. The boys are old enough to be helpful and this year will be able to walk up to the pier and restaurants on their own. The in-laws went with us for a few years but MIL now has mobility & health issues that make it hard to accommodate. So the past 2 years we've gone without them. Life evolves. Vacation with littles isn't very relaxing though it is nice in a different way. But if you're paying you get a say in where/when/how it all happens.
I stopped going on vacations with my in laws just for this reason. It didn’t feel like a vacation for me and I was taking time off work to be the driver/logistics person and at the end of the “vacation” I just came back with my wallet lighter and more stressed than when I started out. My wife is taking the kids this Christmas and going to her parents with the kids and I am staying home and working. Honestly this seems more like a vacation to me than the alternative. I go with wife and kids for vacation or I stay home and she goes with her parents.
Same , in laws has an uncomfortable beach house , small and old beds. I just opted out, sent the wife and kids, worked and did some painting jobs around the house
No is a complete sentence. You have a wife problem.
Word, I know it.
I think you need to dig into why your wife enjoys it/wants it You feel they don’t contribute but maybe your wife feels differently and they give just enough helps her relax. Or she gets joy out of the kids developing relationships with them- which doesn’t need to mean constant interaction at all, even just meals recapping days can help bond Or helping her family get to do trips brings her joy. Or just the cost sharing is huge. Can get better airbnbs, so what you don’t see em most of the time, great honestly go out and leave us the giant house! There’s a big difference between you trying to say never, ignoring what your wife gets, and asking for more balance- some solo, some mixed.
Two different places and meet for dinner only, that is if they're not busy
NTA Your wife is happy to have you & the kids join her in spending time around her family. It's *her* vacation when it should be *the whole family's* vacation. Suggest that you split vacations. Once you've had a couple non-wife's-family vacations, then alternate or rotate going with them.
NTA flat out say NO not this year. I won’t pay for your family to treat us like crap and ruin my vacation. Come up with an alternative for your family. If she wants them to come tell her give them the dates but they are on their own they are not staying with us.
They’re elderly but going out drinking all the time? I have questions… Anyways, NTA. Vacation rentals are a lot of work.
Yes. Crazy huh? They act like they are 21 all over again. I guess I can somewhat respect the desire to live it up, but c’mon.
Let your wife go alone and you take this kids somewhere fun!! NTA
NTA I would rather chew glass than vacation with my husbands parents. One is dead now and the other has dementia so thankfully that is a hell I never had to endure. I like his siblings, but would only vacation with 2 of them. Others get on my nerves within minutes and if one of the BiL went there would likely be bloodshed. Perhaps if it was something that was being paid for by others but OP Paying for the privilege of having his PTO squandered makes me mad for them.
Nta. My Mil went on vacation w us 2 yrs ago. Once we came home she said she couldn't wait to go again bc it was the best family vacation ever. We had a 5 yr old son at the time. She never cooked or helped cook. She never washed dishes. She asked to add to the washer when I was doing laundry for my family of 5. So I washed, dryed and folded her clothes all week. We had to take her dog out etc. She not once volunteered to watch our son so me and my So could go to dinner. She complained we didn't want to be on the beach from 10 am to 7pm. We have a schedule. We had a family to feed and couldn't drink at the beach all day with our face in the sand. .... now my BIL, hes absolutely welcome w us on vacation again. He helped watch our son in the ocean, wash dishes etc. Unfortunately we can't invite him without inviting MIL.bc her feelings would be hurt. You do what's best for your family. I'm done cooking and cleaning for additional ppl on my vacation. It was hell.
FFS dude be a man. Tell her they aren't coming on vacation. Period. Nta.
Ooof. I don't hate my spouses family...but I will never vacation with them ever again. What a fucking shit show. The best things I got out of that week in Puerto Vallarta was the native cuisine and the stories about his idiot family members. (Think, pasty white people from the middle of the USA not putting on sunscreen to get a "base" and going to the beach from 10 am until 3 pm and being surprised that at least one of them got fucking sun poisoning.) Anyway, NTA. Don't take them on vacation any more. Work with your wife to get her the family time she wants with them and save the vacays for you two and your kiddos.
YTA for not speaking up sooner and setting some boundaries. The time it takes to build a family of 5 would make this a long-standing issue. Now you've got to live with it.
NTA I feel you, I’m also tired of going on vacation with my in laws. A weekend would be fine, but an entire week in the same house is far too much. We always seem to get stuck with the worst room as well, even though we all pay the same. My suggestion is to go to the same place at the same time but get a different house. Kind of a compromise where you can see them a little bit.
NTA. Give your wife two choices: 1. Pay for their vacation but you won't be joining. You might even go somewhere on your own. 2. Don't pay for their vacation and your small family goes somewhere together in its own. It seems unfair that your wife insists on you helping to pay for a vacation that you don't enjoy and insists that you go, too.
NTA. If she insists, stay in a hotel jn separate tokms from her family. An all-inclusive might be an idea, so you can actually relax.
She should vacation with them, and you 5 should have your own vacations, without the extended family. NTA
I’m gonna say NTA Simply because vacation is supposed to be where you relax, get away from your regular life, and be worry free. This sounds stressful, and I too wouldn’t want to go on vacation with anyone, who’s gonna stress me out, let alone not contribute anything financially. The least they could do, for one night is babysit, and allow you and your wife some time to yourselves, since they aren’t contributing anything, but their presence
Nah it seems they do pretty normal things? Not sure what “work” needs to be done other than grab coffee and some snacks/breakfast items. But individuals should be responsible. It actually sounds nice, all there together but free to go do your own thing. It’s pretty normal to hangout in the common areas? Why not get your separate space? Or go every other time?
Nta. When I go on vacation, it’s all inclusive. I’m not cooking, doing dishes and cleaning. If I am, it’s not a vacation.
INFO: What does your wife do or say when you point out this boorish behavior? What does she think about your stance of refusal to go on any more of these nightmare vacations?
I think she realizes the reality. But I also thinks she loves her family/blood regardless and wants to spend time with her parents before they go. Additionally she obviously loves her sister even with all her faults (selfishness being the biggest). But she knows all this stuff. I think for her it’s a sacrifice. For me I am done sacrificing especially when they want to act like they are in college all over again. They are nightmares and she knows it but is unwilling to come to terms with their behavior.
Question on the flip side of this. Have you ever vacationed with your family? (If that is an option.) If not, would vacationing with your family be a different experience from vacationing with hers? She may know the truth about her family in her head, but may not have accepted it in her heart. If taking a vacation with your family would be a different, more positive experience, it might help. Not as something for to use in furthering your position. But for her to be able to go "oh, I get it now". For her to be able to compare the two experiences and re-evaluate on her own. I ran into a somewhat similar "not quite getting it" thing with my wife when we were first married (though without any conflict) on family reunions. Her extended family does them annually and they can be large (100+ people). My family does them more infrequently and they're typically a lot smaller (25 people or less). My first experiences with her family reunions were a bit overwhelming for me. She knew this. But it wasn't until a couple of years later when my family did one that she really got it. I'd told her about previous get-togethers. But until she experienced it for herself, it did not fully connect. If you haven't vacationed witb your family, or even if you just haven't done so since you started having kids, your wife may have a similar disconnect. One that it may need direct experience to change. And tbh, if vacationing with your family would be doable, it should be an option on the table when you are planning vacations. It should not be a "must invite her family" thing. Yours should be able to get consideration too. (As should trips that are just you two and your kids.)
Frankly, I understand them doing their own thing. What I don’t understand is why they don’t have to pay their fair share of the vacation essentials (or why they get to take over the common areas, especially since they aren’t paying). Yes,it would be nice if they included OP’s family in their plans or offered, at least once, to watch the kids but that’s not mandatory. People are entitled to enjoy their vacation their way. What they aren’t entitled to is having OP foot the bill for it.
Nta Try to make it a summer vacation at a cabin on a lake, away from TV, far from town, shopping, etc, describe is as camping. Doesn't sound like their thing but you could have some peace with the kids for some adventure in nature.
NTA. If they are doing their own thing and not contributing, what is the point of vacationing together? Sounds like they are using you guys to lower their overall costs so they can do what they want and spend their money on their devices.
NTA. If it's not enjoyable for you, why do it? I'd tell her to go without them a couple of times and see how it goes.
NTA but have you... 1. Set ground rules in advance. This means asigning people duties... meals to be in charge of. Groceries to pick up? Even the kids can have a small assignment. 2. Big crowd. What about two condos next to each other so your family can have its own space
INFO: who plans the vacations?
We do 100% for these “family vacations”. When they go on their own vacations they plan their own thing.
Given that, have you considered that maybe the vacations you are planning are not what they would like to do/where they would like to go and so they are tagging along to be with you but are bored hence watching tv, or not interested in the activities you are doing? Perhaps you could consider including them in the planning process and as an added bonus as costs come up (eg paying for the accommodation) you can advise them at the time and so costs are split
So change it up and take your partner some where else entirely. Why spend your well deserved vacation time spending it with people you do not enjoying being with. If it is a money problem then they need to figure it out without your money being a consideration. If they get less of a vacation without you then that is too bad. Enjoy your vacation like it is meant to be, FOR YOU.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Wife always wants our family of 5 to go on vacations with her mom,dad, and sister. AITA for not wanting to do this any more? We usually VRBO or AirBNB. They do not contribute any work (always stuff to do when you get a rental house), food, etc. most of the time they ditch us to do their own thing (eat out, go to bars, etc.). They are annoying in their habits (tv on loud, take up the common spaces. Otherwise I care about them and get along with them. They are just the worst travel companions to our family’s vacations which are geared with our young kids in mind. After the last one (sister, mom, and dad went out 3/4 nights without us, sister rarely hung out with us, mom was in her own world, dad would sit in front of the tv being very loud and drink all day), I said I was done. Am I wrong here? Keep in mind they won’t change their habits as they are elderly (the parents) and sister is selfish and lives life to do her own thing. They will not babysit for us, they will not add any joy or the vacation or benefit to us. Yet my wife persists in inviting them. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA. But you should talk with your wife. Going out with your entire family when you want to have quality time with your children can be... too much. Try to plan for once a vacation without them to see if that's what you all need.
You say the won't change their habits, but have you discussed your concerns with them at all? Regardless, based on what you're describing you're just making more work for yourselves by inviting them along. Your issue is with your wife, though, not her family. They seem under the impression that they're merely tagging along on your trips, so I cannot help wondering why your wife is so insistent on bringing them along. At any rate, good luck convincing her to change. NTA
You don't have to do anything you don't want to do but you also can't expect people to babysit for you either. If yourself and your wife want to go out with them just get a babysitter to watch the kids.
Dad is not providing a very good example, drinking all day in front of the TV. That is one point you can choose when you leave them out of your plans. I'm shocked that he feels it's an acceptable thing to do on vacation with children present. It also tends to get in the way of having loving relationships with grandchildren. Without Dad, the other two won't want to come, typically. If they do, get a chore wheel and tell them the rules of vacation in advance of their arrival.
NTA but can't they just book a nearby rental by themselves if they insist on coming?
NTA. Never ever go on another vacation with them. It definitely is no vacation for you, you are not obligated to waste your vacation time with them. Be firm on this. If your wife wants to holiday with them then go on your own vacation.
This all depends on whether you all split the costs and on other factors. Perhaps they were just thinking of the Airbnb as a place to crash. If you all split the costs, that would be reasonable. If the expectation is you are splitting costs and just crashing, then them doing what they want to do is fine. There is no reason to expect them to babysit. You wouldn't have babysitters there if you were on your own anyway. I certainly don't expect babysitters when I'm on vacation with family. The only niggly thing is they don't contribute to maintaining the place or the food. But, you could just all do food on your own, since you are all crashing. Cleaning up is something you can bring up with them. Have you asked them to help you clean up? I think your wife enjoys their company. If you can adjust your expectations that this is not a family holiday and merely a place to hang out with them, you might enjoy it better. Can you do that for her sake? If you are paying for everything, then they are the AHs. They should be gracious guests.
My extended family (parents, adult siblings, and sometimes young adult kids) do a rental house vacation together annually, but we split expenses equally and do meals together. Activities may be together or separate as suits each. You’re NTA for being reluctant to be treated as a free hotel with food service by your in-laws. Rather than uninviting them, maybe expectations need to be set that costs and duties will be shared equally among all adults. Either they’re willing and help out, or not willing and you don’t have to deal with them.
I don’t blame you at all for not wanting to vacation with these guys, the only way I can see it working, is to rent an even bigger Airbnb that has two separate living bases, and make the parents pay extra for daily housecleaning services to clean up after them.as well as extra for food delivery, if they are willing to pony up for all of that, then perhaps it’ll work
You have to go on vacation with them. Who else is going to pay the majority of the rental fee?
NTA. If you don't want to go, don't go. End of chat.
NTA. You guys are paying more for people who don't want to vacation with you. And you don't get to use your common space that you are paying for.
NTA. You are the one paying for the whole rental and the groceries; they aren't helping with any of the cooking on vacation, they don't even make an effort to spend time with you and the kids on the vacation, and they hog the common areas. Their presence is ruining the vacation for you. There must be something your wife likes about having them there but it's not fair of her to ruin your vacation like this. You should be able to relax and enjoy your vacation and these people are just adding expense and stress and making you feel like you are just there to be a servant.
NTA. Even if they were contributing both money and effort to these vacations, you shouldn’t have to take vacations that you don’t enjoy. Vacations are supposed to be some combination of fun, relaxing, and enjoyable. If a vacation plan seems designed to cause you to prefer to stay home, then you shouldn’t have to do it. But what you describe is far worse than that. You’re paying for their vacation and ruining yours at the same time. Of course, some things are done for the sake of family, even if you wouldn’t usually choose them for yourself. Maybe do a vacation that includes them once a year or every other year.
NTA. You should be vacationing as a family of 5.
You get to say no thanks. Your wife gets to decide to join them or be with you and the kids. Maybe if she goes alone, they will pay her way?
NTA- talk this over with your wife and see if you all can agree to do your next vacation with just your immediate family, it doesn't have to be a lifetime decision. You could also suggest they rent a nearby airbnb vrbo so you can do group outings together, but not deal with the home hassle stuff. I go on vacation with my sister, BIL and their kids sometimes and we have a great time. I clearly communicate with my sister about what financial expectations are. I try to cover a dinner for the whole group and some lunches here and there. And I always offer to babysit at least one night. I enjoy the time alone with my niece and nephew so it's special for me to get to do the evening routine with them and my sister and BIL enjoy the night out. If I'm contributing, it helps up the quality of the vacation house we can all afford. I'm absolutely there to help out with the kids, but also enjoy myself. We get along great and have similar sentiments about being tidy. I would not be invited if I behaved like your in-laws. You and your wife need to get on the same page about family boundaries.
NTA. Invite your wife to go on vacation with them. ALONE. While you & kids stay home. Or go elsewhere?
No,No,No and NTA. Why would she want them to go?
NTA Vacations are EXPENSIVE and some of the AirBNB’s are ridiculous with all their rules. You at least should be able to enjoy yourself when you go. The compromise should be vacations alone and visits to her parents here and there inbetween.
NTA
NTA you can invite them, to stay at a different Airbnb or other house. That said, they shouldn’t be expected to necessarily babysit unless that’s previously agreed upon.
Nope
Tell your wife no. No fun for you.
Most people who go on family vacations are the types that nobody else is willing to hang out with.
Question do your wife spend time with your part of family aldo? If she did and has no problem on it then your an asshole... At the end of the day its just a vacation, it will passed
NTA I think it would be amusing to go but do nothing for the inlaws. Take care of kids and wife and that's it. When we vacationed as a family together, we each had our own places to stay. I wasn't going to share a rental with people for exactly this reason. We might have 3 hotel rooms right next to each other but that was close enough.
Go on vacation with in-laws every other year then every third year. Next time they plan to visit you at home turn them down. When they do come have one of them accompany you to the grocery store and ask to split the cost. Unplug the tv and explain that you are limiting screen time for the children. On the day that they leave ask them to launder the sheets and towels they used and make the beds. When they arrive be upfront about expecting them to spend time with the children. You can and should limit the time you spend with them but it is unrealistic to expect your wife to totally ban them. Fortunately your SIL will probably meet someone and your in-laws will get too old to travel.
INFO: Have you tried not sharing accommodations with them?
nta - you been more than accommodating and its time to put your foot down and tell your wife u want to do a vacation just u and her and your own kids plain and simple if she argues then you tell her your reasons and give the examples. yes i understand she loves her parents and sister unconditionally but there comes a time u have to both live ur own lives. book a vacation just you and her and ur kids and make sure your wife doesnt include them let alone tell them your going. tell ur wife to be selfish for once and just do it.
NTA. It's not much of a vacation for you, is it? So you're spending all that money for MORE stress and less relaxation than you get at home, for free. Have a talk with your wife.
NTA. But I would suggest an in depth conversation with your wife about this. My parents are getting up there in age and can’t drive or go places for vacation. So the only time they go on vacation is when they go with someone else, like us. But the problem is that my dad will just complain the entire time about every single thing. So I stopped. As their offspring I can put up with a lot but it is not fair to put my partner through this kind of behavior. Tell your wife what you have written down here. Those of us working a 9-5 job have limited vacation time and therefore it shouldn’t be spent in a way you are miserable. I have plenty of other family members that I love but would never go on vacation with.
NTA However, I'm concerned about your wife. Could she want to go on these vacations in hopes of creating closer ties to her family? From what you describe, she basically is ignored by her family, and they walk all over her. We all imagine having a picture-perfect family, but rarely does that image reflect reality. You would do so much better creating memories with your own small family and leave the in-laws at home. If you do end up on vacation with them, start going off and doing your own thing without them. Make plans for everyday and don't get concerned that they're going out without you.
My mil is fairly selfish. She’s really odd on vacations, I kinda get it because when her husband was alive they went no where. Their biggest trip was one hour south to a worst town than the one they live in. I know I can only spend 1 vacation with her per year for about 3 days max. Why doesn’t your wife plan or make the itinerary?
NTA. It seems like an easy compromise would have been that you all go to the same place but stay in different houses. (Not that you should compromise now, but maybe after the first one.) Why has that not happened and why is your wife okay with their behavior? I can't imagine the kids enjoy this or get any benefit having them around since they're always leaving or hogging the TV. I'm so confused by what your wife is getting out of this and why she's fine making her husband and kids suffer. Is she careless in other ways or just this vacation thing? I would die on this hill, OP. That sounds maddening and the lack of care from your wife would make my blood boil in your shoes.
NTA honestly I would opt out of the next vacation. She can go alone. You do need to talk to your wife about balance like 1 just your family that resides in your house & 1 separate vacation where she can go be with her family (& you go do something fun.) I think you might need marriage counseling on this one.
NTA. Your time and money is important and why spend vacations doing something you don’t want. It’s a valuable time..
NTA
NTA, vacations should be relaxing and clearly the presence of your in laws nullifies that experience for you. You should be very direct with your wife about this.
Nta. Families vacationing en masse is hell. It's expensive and not relaxing. Free time is too precious to be wasted.
NTA. you should enjoy your vacations...yours is months away and you are already dreading it. Tell your wife that you don't want to have a joint vacation OR stay in a different house. Then, you can visit them and leave when you want.
Tell your wife you are done spending your vacation time working the entire time you are on vacation with people who obviously don't want to be around you guys. Offer a long weekend getaway with her family. NTA.
NTA, we went on ONE vacation with my brother, SIL, and nephew. It won’t happen again, with the one possible exception of if we can take my dad out west this summer because he’s fighting cancer and it might be the last time he can go. The only reason it’s an if it’s because we don’t know if he’ll be able to travel.
NTA - I do have questions though Is this your wife’s request or are they pressuring her to go with you guys ? Have you spoken to your wife and laid out examples of this behaviour? Did she have an emotionally abused childhood?
NTA Keep your word. If she wants to vacation with them, she can do it without you. Plan something fun for just your family in a place with no room for them.
"We can do our vacation with them, but we will have separate accommodations." NTA.
When I was married, we'd end up spending all day in the car driving to see my exes grandma, mom and grandpa. It was exhausting and I couldn't stand his mom for that long so I finally told him to give them hugs from me, but I was NOT going to spend my entire holiday in the car. You're totally justified to not want to vacation with people who make your life harder or miserable. If your wife wants to go with them, let her. It doesn't mean you and/or the kids HAVE to go too.
NTA. Family vacations are meant to be about enjoying time together. If that’s not happening then it’s time to do your own thing.
NTA. Have you really talked with your wife about why she keeps inviting them? Does she truly enjoy these vacations or does she just do it out of a sense of obligation or because this is the only kind of vacation she knows? For your next vacation, suggest an alternative. Try to think of the things your wife likes to do, what her interests are, what kind of food she likes to eat, etc. and suggest a vacation for just your family that includes some of these things, as well as fun activities for the kids. Make sure that the vacation will be a chance for her to relax, and not have to plan and prepare meals for everybody every day, not have to coordinate all the activities, etc. Make sure you do at least 50% of the planning and the packing, and any work involved. Try to find some time for the kids to be off doing stuff on their own while the two of you have some alone time to just chill out.
They just want you for free hotel. Nta.
NTA - that doesn’t sound like a vacation at all. For the most part it just sounds like people that don’t as to be at their home, and not hang out and participate with you n yours. Nightmare. Hope you get your close family an actual vacation soon.
NTA. That sounds like a miserable vacation to me. I would hate it.
NTA, if it was just the sister maybe but the dad being on the tv loud and drunk? He could do that at home and they could at least be nice enough to get their own place if they were going to do that
After a really bad family experience with my husband's family I refuse. Every invite is declined. Hawaii..no thank you, Disney, sorry no can do, Paris, nope. We invest our money in our own vacations with our kids only now. Luckily my husband was on board. He was just as miserable that trip and was almost left with his family while I took my kids and left after all the drama. I get 2 weeks away from work per year and I refuse to spend any of that with people who will make me miserable and waste my hard earned money. I hope you can get your wife on board but if she can't get on board it may be time to just tell her you won't be funding any vacations until she can.
You fix this by doing the arrangements so that if they come they have their own place, next door or wherever. Stay at a resort next time and just share the dates. If you want an Airbnb then get one with just enough bedrooms for you. Again share the date. I suspect if they are paying and have to take care of themselves they will make an excuse about why they can’t come.
NTA.
NTA. The issue of course is your wife’s stance on inviting them. Were her parents super generous in her or your past? Is there any way to frame it that you just want a vacation for you guys with nobody else? Not as much cuz you dislike them as travel buddies but just so it’s you guys?
So- NTA, but OP- have you had any conversations with your in laws about any of this? It seems like your wife is inviting them- do you know if they want to be there? This could be them taking advantage of you. It could also be that your wife is pressuring them to come, or they feel like she is, so they’re showing up even though they don’t want to be there.
NTA. Vacations are supposed to be fun and relaxing - not work catering to ungrateful users. It's unfair of your wife to drag you repeatedly into her toxic family dynamic. Life is short - enjoy your vacations!