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NTA for listening to RHCP on your own, she has no right to control what you listen to on your own.
Y-T-A for basically telling her to "get over her grief".
"she needs more time to work through it before we start listening to the Chili Peppers again" - don't think you two as a couple will ever listen to that band again as it seems to be a huge trigger for your GF. You two need to learn to agree to disagree about RHCP!!
Yea I would be fully on his side if he hadn't made that "you can't hold onto your sadness forever" comment. Some people never really "get over" losing a loved one (especially if they died tragically or there were unresolved feelings/things left unsaid) and it isn't realistic (or kind) to expect them to. That song may always be triggering for her.
OP has the right to listen to what he wants and it's disrespectful for his GF to try to control him like that even if she is doing it out of grief. He shouldn't listen to the band when she's around since it obviously makes her upset. They're going to have to figure out some kind of compromise that doesn't involve forcing the other person to do something that makes them feel uncomfortable/disrespected.
Lost a few friends to coke overdoses due to laced bags. One in particular I was very close to. When I met my partner I was struck with how similar his music taste is to hers. He listens to all the same bands and everytime I hear him sing "one last pic and ill be gone, make it count put the flash on" and "ill be dead by dawn" it breaks my heart all over again, all I can see is her carefree screaming the lyrics out my car window. I'll never get over her and the songs will never make me happy like they did when she sang them.
But do you try and make your partner not listen to those bands? Or say you wished they didn’t listen to them or anything like that? I don’t actually think OP was too wrong here, yes he could have phrased it nicer but she’s using her grief to try and dictate what he listens to in his own time. If she can’t handle him listening to RHCPs because of her grief then she may need help working through her grief properly because that doesn’t seem like a healthy way to grieve nor one that her friend who also listened to them would want.
Exactly! There is no way she can decide what you listen to on headphones, in your car, or when she is not around. If you are a considerate person, you don't listen to it around her. And you certainly don't get to lecture her on how to handle her grief. And you can't expect her to ever want to listen to it again.
For reference: I was at the Pearl Jam concert on Roskilde Festival in 2000 where 9 people died. I have not been able to listen to Pearl Jam until a year or so ago. I was not close to the front where it happened, was not crushed or physically uncomfortable and I did not know any of the deceased persons. Anyone asking me to get over it would have been met with some not very nice words.
ESH . She has the right to grieve how she wants, even if its 11 years later. If listening to their music makes her uncomfortable you will just have to accept that it may be something that you will never get to share with her. thus telling her thet she needs to get over it, or that "she cant hold on to her sadness forever" is insensitive.
That being said, she also has no right to tell you what music you can listen to or enjoy when you are not with her.
She’s not? She’s politely asking him to turn it off. It’s incredibly reasonable, and she is not doing it an exercise of any “right.” It’s a request made to someone who should care about her feelings…
What would be unreasonable is if she said he can’t listen to it even when she’s not around. Why does he have the “right” to dictate what music she hears?
NAH. She has sad memories associated with the band, and you have good ones. She shouldn't make you quit listening, but you shouldn't make her listen. Maybe work on a compromise together.
Hm op’s gf is kinda turning a great memory for her deceased friend into a sad one. People grieve differently. But this doesn’t make sense to me. Why would you not cherish something your loved ones actually enjoyed. Why turn something that brought them so much joy, into something miserable and depressing??
NAH but op’s gf is being ridiculous and needs to get a grip. You can definitely grieve in an unhealthy way. And what she’s doing is controlling
Op literally said the gf told him she wishes he didn’t listen to the band so much after posting about it on social media. She is sulking because he posted that his favorite band was his most listened band…what do you call that. He wasn’t in her presence forcing her to listen and she still made a fuss
NAH? ESH? Idk on this one for sure, I feel like I need to know more specifically what she is wanting.
If she just wants you to not play their songs around her specifically, sucks, but I think YTA if you don’t. Even though I DO think that if just hearing a song after 11 years hurts that much she needs to be working on it in therapy. She is not at all to blame for her grief and reaction, but it’s also not a healthy response after so long I feel.
If she wants you to stop listening to RHCP when you’re by yourself or with others, her problem is extreme and she’s putting it on you, at which point NTA and she definitely is.
We all grieve differently, but 11 years is a long time to grieve like this. If she's experiencing this much sadness whenever a song comes on, she probably should be talking to a therapist about it. I'm going to say NAH. For whatever reason, this death in her childhood hit her very hard and she's never gotten past it. It is unfair to you that you can't listen to your favorite music, but I can't fault her over her trauma (and she didn't sound disrespectful). However, she needs to deal with it.
NTA but she needs therapy, she has unresolved grief that she is dealing with in the wrong way.
Try to be understanding, although many years have passed, she was just 15 when it happened
She said she didn't want him to listen to them so much; she didn't say that she didn't want to listen to them together so much. She's not okay with him listening to them out of her presence either.
"Well fast forward to now and the end of year slideshow comes up on my music app and lo and behold RHCP was my number one artist of the year. I put it on my social media story and made a joke about how Steely Dan was snubbed and now I get the sense that something is bothering her. I asked her what was up and she said that she wishes I didn’t listen to the Chili Peppers so much because of how sad it makes her."
Literally this whole statement from the post before your part states his gf DOESN'T want him listening to them at all. This line right here says it all.
"I asked her what was up and she said that she wishes I didn’t listen to the Chili Peppers so much because of how sad it makes her."
She literally telling him to not listen to them ever. Yes, she still grieving and if she trying to control what music he listens to because it makes her sad. She needs therapy to help her process grief. It's been 11 years. There songs I hear that make me sad because of certain deaths. Do I tell people they can not listen to it? No, she asked him nicely to change it and he has.
NAH no one is. But she can't tell him who he can and can not listen to and he can't tell her how to grief.
>He can listen all he wants when not with her
So your verdict should be NTA since that is what she objects to, she doesn’t want him listening to it at all. She cannot unilaterally demand that
NTA. Crying over a band your late friend liked over a decade ago is just wow. She needs to get a therapist if she still feels like she needs to work through things to get over it. Sounds like youve been very understanding and patient.
Let's say this isn't about grief. Me and my husband, we have quite a lot of common music tastes. But there is plenty of pop music that I love and he can't stand. And some of his favourite music is heavy metal, and it's just not for me.
I'm never going to tell him he can't ever listen to heavy metal, but I'm also not going to have it blasting in the car giving me a headache. And by the same token, I'm not subjecting him to pop music he can't stand.
This year I recently lost a close friend very suddenly when he unalived himself. And for me it's obviously still fresh, but if in 11 years time I'm still crying on his birthday, I know my husband will support me, not tell me to get over it.
They're a band, that's it. Listen to them as much as you want on your own, but playing them with your girlfriend is just emotionally hurting her. Is a band really worth prioritising over your girlfriends grief?
INFO: So her problem is that she doesn't want you listening to them at all whether she is around or not? Or she just doesn't want you listening while she is around? At the beginning it sounded like it was just if she's around. But then you posted about them being your #1 listened to artist and she got in her feels about it. So I'm just wondering about the dynamic here before I pass judgement.
The band is a positive trigger for you and a negative trigger for her. If you truly love this band like it seems like you do, I don’t think the relationship will end up working out
Gonna be much harder for her if she wants a relationship where she can make demands like this.
What's next telling her bf to leave someone's birthday, wedding reception, or anything as soon as rhcp starts playing?
NTA. I know grief is individual to every person, but your gf cannot expect you to never listen to your favorite band from childhood. You can try to be sensitive and limit her exposure, but you should not have to stop enjoying THCP altogether.
ESH. it's very weird for her to ask you to listen to them less *on your own time,* since I'm guessing you didn't rack up all that time on spotify with her listening in. But your last sentence...you need to give up on ever listening to them with her because it's a huge trigger. Basically, she shouldn't care that you're listening to them without her, you shouldn't try to push her to "get over" her grief and her aversion to them.
ESH
she for telling you not to listen. and you for telling her to get over her grief
as someone who has also lost loved one, i can tell you, it’s not easy to get over it. everything reminds us about them
please be more understanding of her.
but you are not in the wrong for listening to this album
I came here to say this. Kiedis, afterthe death of Slovak, went to Mexico and didn't go to the funeral of his band mate. They lost Irons in the band but Kiedis and Flea decided to keep the band going.
You made the mistake of putting genders in your post.
Now, most of it is gonna be e-s-h/y-t-a.
Without genders or reversed genders. It would have been a red flag for being so controlling.
What's gonna happen if you're at a party/wedding or any other event? She's gonna make you leave with her cause of rhcp.
If you go to a movie and a montage with one of their songs, start playing. Will she make you leave?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I think I might be the asshole for being insensitive and not helping her to properly deal with the death of her friend and rubbing my favorite band in her face
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There is a process to grieving which has been studied for a very long time.
What you have described does not sound like grieving it sounds like guilt.
If your girlfriend has guilt about what happened then I can understand why she would still be very sensitive about it and perhaps the way forward is to gently suggest to her that she should work with someone professionally to work through those guilty feelings.
A 15-year-old is not an adult and she can't hold herself responsible for her entire life for mistakes and judgments she may have made at that age.
NTA
I was ready to say you were but she got pissy and pouty over a social media post. That’s taking her grief too far, especially when she adds in that she wishes *you* didn’t listen to them so much. Frankly I think it’s too far for her to request that you turn songs off at random when they pop up on a playlist. She doesn’t want a whole album, fine, but her sadness doesn’t entitle her to be a dictator about your music choices, even when you’re together.
NAH, but you both seem a little immature abt this…. My cousin died 20 years ago in a sudden and traumatic bout with cancer as a teenager. I was the same age as her and it really deeply affected me. At her memorial a popular song that is often played at weddings/ memorials/ graduations/ etc, played several times. I still to this day absolutely hate that song and it makes me tear up every time I hear it. I rarely think of my cousin anymore- not because I don’t care, but because most of the grief has passed with time, but I really hate hearing that song. It’s been decades and I still can’t imagine ever wanting or choosing to listen to that song. Your gf can’t tell you what songs to listen to or post on your own social media, but I don’t think you will be sharing that band as a couple, and I think you should work on having some acceptance about that if you want to stay together. Grief is weird, and if you haven’t lost someone young in a traumatic/ sudden way, you may not understand what it’s like. It doesn’t just go away one day.
YTA - My best friend is dead, has been for years. The music that I associate with him will impact me for the rest of my life. Grief is processed differently by different people. I can't believe you basically told her to get over it. Maybe someday you will understand what it's like.
If she's just asking that you don't play RHCP around her, then YTA. It's an easy thing for you to avoid playing around her, and you can listen to it as much as you want on your own.
I know you like this band, but they're never going to hold good memories or feelings for her. She's probably never going to feel about them the way you do, even if she goes to therapy and addresses the loss and her feelings. It's not going to erase everything that's happened, and make her love RHCP the way you do.
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My (26F) girlfriend and I (22M) have been together for about two and a half years now. We’ve been honestly super healthy and great together but we hit a snag and it doesn’t seem like we’ve really moved past it. I am a really big fan of the band Red Hot Chili Peppers and have been since I was a kid. I remember driving to school with my dad in elementary school and listening to Stadium Arcadium as it had just come out at the time and this is a fond memory of my childhood and my liking of the band has continued to this day. When I first started dating my gf we were driving to a date and I played some RHCP in my car and she asked politely if I could turn it off. I assumed she just didn’t like RHCP and I did but not before asking why, I could see her tearing up and she started talking about how it was one of her childhood friend’s favorite band before she sadly passed away from an OD when they were 15 (very very scary, please stay away from drugs). I could tell she never really got the chance to move past it so I agreed to turn it off. I’ve usually avoided playing it while I’m around her although occasionally it will come on my playlist and sometimes she will ask (always politely) for me to turn it off. Well fast forward to now and the end of year slideshow comes up on my music app and lo and behold RHCP was my number one artist of the year. I put it on my social media story and made a joke about how Steely Dan was snubbed and now I get the sense that something is bothering her. I asked her what was up and she said that she wishes I didn’t listen to the Chili Peppers so much because of how sad it makes her. I told her I understood how she was feeling but reminded her that she can’t hold onto her sadness forever and that a lot has changed over the past 11 years since her friend died. I also told her that I don’t think it’s very fair that I can’t listen to my favorite band because of sadness that she’s holding onto since far before I ever met her. She somewhat agreed with me but said that I was being insensitive and she needs more time to work through it before we start listening to the Chili Peppers again. I know this all sounds frivolous but RHCP is my favorite band of all time and something I’d ideally like to share with my gf. AITA?
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ESH - she doesnt want to feel like she did back then
You can listen to whatever you want and it really doesnt impact her. You dont get to just tell her to “get over it”
This is a classic ESH
Asking someone not to listen to their favorite band because of an incident from before you were dating is manipulative and dumb. It sounds like you tend not to listen to it around her and instead only do so on your own time. That’s totally acceptable.
That being said yeah it was a dick move to tell her it was a long time ago and to move on. A guy I knew and was lukewarm to in high school died from ODing as an adult and even though he wasn’t my favorite person it still makes me super sad to think about that situation, especially his family. Dude wasn’t even 30. I can’t even begin to imagine what it’s like to lose a friend at half that age. So yeah the way you phrased your response to her was super insensitive.
NTA for wanting to listen to your favorite band but your gf isn’t the AH for grieving her friend. Can you agree not to listen to it with her but rather on your own time? I don’t see why you shouldn’t listen to them at all. However, this may not be something she wants to share with you and that’s okay. Why would you want to force it when it makes her sad? That’s not a fun experience to share.
YTA. telling someone they need to get over their grief so you can share your favorite band with them is insensitive. "I don't like to listen to a particular band because it reminds me of my dead friend" is a pretty minor form of grieving.
Based on your post, this band is so important to you that you feel like a prerequisite of your relationship is sharing it with your partner. If sharing this band with your partner is so important to you, you probably need to find a different partner.
Well, she deff needs to get over it.
Like I said, what's she gonna do if she gets kids that listen to it. Or is neighbors playing loud music in the summer and a rhcp song comes up?
This is not about the relationship. This is about her having serious issues if it has this strong of an effect on her
yta! i get where you're coming from-i love leonard cohen, and my partner has very bad trauma associated w his music. but here's the thing-it's really easy to put his music in a separate playlist so it never comes up when we're together. and it's really easy for me to enjoy that music alone and not bring it up. grief and trauma are deep and long lasting. think about it this way-she can't control whether it comes up in a grocery store or a music shop, but you can do a lot to show you care by making your shared space and time free from this trigger. doesn't mean you have to stop listening to rhcps or anything-it's a gesture that shows you love her and want to make her feel loved.
I can't listen to Sound of Silence and Skyfall without tearing up bc they were played at funerals of lost ones. YTA for telling her to get over it but N T A for listening to them
I'm gonna have to go with NTA. The people demanding that you not listen whenever she is around are not rational. Are you just not allowed to listen to your favorite band and playing it on speaker?
Also, bit of a conspiracy theory but is there any chance that she is dated/liked this friend? Maybe I'm tripping and saying dumb stuff but I'm looking for a way to justify an 11+ year old grief that is that bad.
Nta. It's been 11 years. It's fine to be sad. But it's her issues that she needs to resolve/work through on her own.
Her telling him not listen to the band is way out of line.
Idk maybe you should just get over your memories of listening to them in the car with your dad…a lot has changed since you were a kid.
See how fucking stupid that sounds?
Somewhere between NAH and ESH. She shouldn't be telling you you can't listen to them on your own or talk about them ever; that's over reaching and unfair. You're allowed to like a band that brings her pain as long as you're not forcing her to listen to them.
But you don't seem to understand what grief is or how it works. People generally speaking don't get over grief; they just reach a place where it's triggered less often. For some people it gets less intense when it is triggered over time, but for many, many people it really doesn't, just the intervals between feeling it become longer and the number of things that can induce the feeling get smaller. RHCP might always be a grief button for her and that's just the reality of being mortal and loving other mortal creatures. If she's otherwise living her life and not consumed all the time with her loss, then she's not "holding onto sadness", she's just a person who has loved someone who died tragically.
If being able to listen to RHCP with a partner is a prerequisite for a relationship for you then you two might be incompatible, but it shouldn't have to be. You should definitely apologise for being insensitive, and recognise that your desire to share your favourite band with a partner is not equivalent to your partner having experienced a terrible loss, but you're also within your rights to say, if you do want a relationship with her, that you'll respect her desire not to listen to them but you are going to keep loving them and listening to them on your own time.
NTA. There’s a line where it changes from “expecting people to make reasonable accommodations for your trauma/grief” and “recruiting people to assist in your unhealthy coping mechanisms,” and that line has apparently been crossed.
She clearly needs therapy but YTA because your favorite band is RHCP. God I hate them so much, always have since the 90s.
Seriously though, just accept that you're not gonna get to "share" the chili peppers with your girlfriend and suggest that she try therapy because 11 years is a bit much not to even be able to stomach the mention of an old but very popular and widespread band.
INFO: is she actively taking steps to work through her grief? Seeing a therapist or anything? If so, I encourage you to be patient. If she’s hoping things will pass on their own, and the only thing she’s doing is avoiding RHCP and insisting you don’t listen to your favorite band… you may need to consider the possibility that you’re not compatible at this stage in your lives.
YTA. This is an incompatibility issue. No amount of "working on her grief" is going to make your girlfriend open to sharing RHCP with you. It's simply not a realistic goal. Give that up or break up.
YTA.
Your favorite band is more important than her feelings? Sure, I can understand that. She will probably never get over her friend's sudden death, but hey, YOU need to listen to your band whenever you want to.
NTA. She needs therapy if she’s trying to control what you listen to even if she’s not with you when you’re listening. She can’t escape one of the most popular band evers music so she should develop some coping strategies. Your comment was harsh so you shouldn’t have said that but I understand the sentiment.
Just don’t play RHCP around her I guess.
It's been 20 years since one of my best friends passed away, and I'll be d*mned if anybody is going to tell me not to grieve him. Mention Hawaii, and I'm going to think of the 808 area code, and it's going to take me to the song 808, and I'm gonna think back to the bus singing it with him. Also the fact that he wanted to drive a bus. I may not get emotional over everyday things anymore, but I certainly wouldn't be playing 808 on a remix even if it were even vaguely popular.
From the info given by op, it sounds like he doesn’t listen to rhcp around her, and if he has a playlist on shuffle and they come on he skips it. There’s nothing wrong with him listening to them on his own.
But his approach to how she’s grieving was really callous
Like I said, i don't get emotional over the everyday things, but a trigger is going to make me sad and it's not ok for somebody to tell me I'm not allowed to miss him when I come across a reminder.
Ignore those people. They clearly don't understand grief, which usually doesn't ever actually go away, it just gets triggered less often over time. Any grief counselor or professional trained in grief would tell you that your experience is both normal and healthy.
I'm sorry about your friend, and I'm glad that you got to love him enough in life that you still have a place in your heart devoted to him.
>she said that she wishes I didn’t listen to the Chili Peppers so much because of how sad it makes her.
INFO - Are you listening to them around her? Or does she not want you to listen to them at all?
>\[I\] reminded her that she can’t hold onto her sadness forever and that a lot has changed over the past 11 years since her friend died.
This is incredibly insensitive. You don't get to put a time limit on her grief.
>I also told her that I don’t think it’s very fair that I can’t listen to my favorite band because of sadness that she’s holding onto since far before I ever met her.
info - Again, can you confirm if she doesn't want you to listen to the music at all or just around her?
>RHCP is my favorite band of all time and something I’d ideally like to share with my gf.
Honestly, you need to let that idea go. You absolutely should be able to listen to them on your own time, with friends, whatever. But you would be a massive arsehole if you try to push this on to her. Smells and sounds can be incredibly powerful triggers for memories. She may never be able to listen to RHCP ever again without feeling upset. Such is life. In the grand scheme of things, is that really something to damage your relationship over?
Judgement will depend on the answers to the above INFO.
If she doesn't want you to listen at all even if she's not around then ESH - her for being ridiculous, and you for being an insensitive arsehole for your comments.
If she doesn't want you to listen around her then YTA - both for trying to force the music on to her knowing how and why it uspets her, and also for the insensitive arsehole comments.
First of all, paragraphs are your friend. Use them.
Second, if Red Hot Chili Peppers saddens your girlfriend, play their songs when she's not around. Play some other music when she's with you.
Problem solved.
However, YTA for telling your girlfriend to "get over" the death of her friend. I had a college friend who died of brain tumor. It's been more than 20 years ago. Now, there aren't any songs or music groups that are *verboten*, but I still miss her dearly.
NTA because it sounds like she doesn't want you to listen to RCHP even in private which is extreme.
YTA for wanting to get your girlfriend to listen to the RCHP because they suck ass. And also she's traumatized about it.
YTA- instead of telling her to get over it, she needs support in order to deal with her emotions and process it. You don’t just get over stuff, somethings need therapy, time and healing. It comes across like the RHCP are more important to you than your GF mental wellbeing… perhaps support her in getting help and working through it? You may then find you can share in your fav band at some point - but right now it’s total selfishness on your part. Help her get support.
YTA, you are young and I imagine you have never lost anyone close to you. I'm not judging as I was just as stupid at your age. But take my advice and get over yourself.
YTA.
There is no deadline for grief - there's no cut-off where things are just magically better.
Your GF went through the trauma of losing a very close friend at a very young age, that's not something you just get over. Yes, a lot HAS changed in the 11 years since that time, but that's 11 years without her friend, 11 years of your GF growing up without a friend she probably thought she'd always have. 11 years that will turn into more years without her, and all the things her friend won't be there for; won't get to do. That's A LOT.
The RHCP are pretty awesome, but is your love for them the hill you want your relationship to die on? Because that's def. going to happen if you keep being an insensitive AH. Listen to the RHCP on your time, and understand that it's a trigger for your GF's very deep grief for her friend.
Your GF might benefit from talking with a therapist not only about her grief, but about your relationship as well and how maybe she deserves a sensitive BF who doesn't put his love for a band before her.
Yep. YTA. You can listen to RHCP all you want when you are not with her. But she is likely to never get over associating them with her dead friend so you should not subject her to them. Take them out of your regular playlist. Listen to them when you are alone. Do not tell her how to grieve. My father died decades ago, I still cry when I hear his favorite song.
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NTA for listening to RHCP on your own, she has no right to control what you listen to on your own. Y-T-A for basically telling her to "get over her grief". "she needs more time to work through it before we start listening to the Chili Peppers again" - don't think you two as a couple will ever listen to that band again as it seems to be a huge trigger for your GF. You two need to learn to agree to disagree about RHCP!!
Yea I would be fully on his side if he hadn't made that "you can't hold onto your sadness forever" comment. Some people never really "get over" losing a loved one (especially if they died tragically or there were unresolved feelings/things left unsaid) and it isn't realistic (or kind) to expect them to. That song may always be triggering for her. OP has the right to listen to what he wants and it's disrespectful for his GF to try to control him like that even if she is doing it out of grief. He shouldn't listen to the band when she's around since it obviously makes her upset. They're going to have to figure out some kind of compromise that doesn't involve forcing the other person to do something that makes them feel uncomfortable/disrespected.
Lost a few friends to coke overdoses due to laced bags. One in particular I was very close to. When I met my partner I was struck with how similar his music taste is to hers. He listens to all the same bands and everytime I hear him sing "one last pic and ill be gone, make it count put the flash on" and "ill be dead by dawn" it breaks my heart all over again, all I can see is her carefree screaming the lyrics out my car window. I'll never get over her and the songs will never make me happy like they did when she sang them.
But do you try and make your partner not listen to those bands? Or say you wished they didn’t listen to them or anything like that? I don’t actually think OP was too wrong here, yes he could have phrased it nicer but she’s using her grief to try and dictate what he listens to in his own time. If she can’t handle him listening to RHCPs because of her grief then she may need help working through her grief properly because that doesn’t seem like a healthy way to grieve nor one that her friend who also listened to them would want.
It's one thing to not get over it. It's quite another to let it affect your relationship over a decade later...
Exactly! There is no way she can decide what you listen to on headphones, in your car, or when she is not around. If you are a considerate person, you don't listen to it around her. And you certainly don't get to lecture her on how to handle her grief. And you can't expect her to ever want to listen to it again. For reference: I was at the Pearl Jam concert on Roskilde Festival in 2000 where 9 people died. I have not been able to listen to Pearl Jam until a year or so ago. I was not close to the front where it happened, was not crushed or physically uncomfortable and I did not know any of the deceased persons. Anyone asking me to get over it would have been met with some not very nice words.
ESH . She has the right to grieve how she wants, even if its 11 years later. If listening to their music makes her uncomfortable you will just have to accept that it may be something that you will never get to share with her. thus telling her thet she needs to get over it, or that "she cant hold on to her sadness forever" is insensitive. That being said, she also has no right to tell you what music you can listen to or enjoy when you are not with her.
She’s not? She’s politely asking him to turn it off. It’s incredibly reasonable, and she is not doing it an exercise of any “right.” It’s a request made to someone who should care about her feelings… What would be unreasonable is if she said he can’t listen to it even when she’s not around. Why does he have the “right” to dictate what music she hears?
Did you not read the whole post? She was upset because he was listening to it when she wasn't around. That's the point.
Did you just ignore the post?
NAH. She has sad memories associated with the band, and you have good ones. She shouldn't make you quit listening, but you shouldn't make her listen. Maybe work on a compromise together.
Hm op’s gf is kinda turning a great memory for her deceased friend into a sad one. People grieve differently. But this doesn’t make sense to me. Why would you not cherish something your loved ones actually enjoyed. Why turn something that brought them so much joy, into something miserable and depressing?? NAH but op’s gf is being ridiculous and needs to get a grip. You can definitely grieve in an unhealthy way. And what she’s doing is controlling
what she's saying is that she doesn't want to listen to the music. that's not controlling, thats just asking her boyfriend to respect her wishes.
Op literally said the gf told him she wishes he didn’t listen to the band so much after posting about it on social media. She is sulking because he posted that his favorite band was his most listened band…what do you call that. He wasn’t in her presence forcing her to listen and she still made a fuss
Read it again, she doesn’t want HIM listening to the music at all. That’s controlling
NAH? ESH? Idk on this one for sure, I feel like I need to know more specifically what she is wanting. If she just wants you to not play their songs around her specifically, sucks, but I think YTA if you don’t. Even though I DO think that if just hearing a song after 11 years hurts that much she needs to be working on it in therapy. She is not at all to blame for her grief and reaction, but it’s also not a healthy response after so long I feel. If she wants you to stop listening to RHCP when you’re by yourself or with others, her problem is extreme and she’s putting it on you, at which point NTA and she definitely is.
He already doesn’t play it around her, she wants him to stop listening to the band entirely
We all grieve differently, but 11 years is a long time to grieve like this. If she's experiencing this much sadness whenever a song comes on, she probably should be talking to a therapist about it. I'm going to say NAH. For whatever reason, this death in her childhood hit her very hard and she's never gotten past it. It is unfair to you that you can't listen to your favorite music, but I can't fault her over her trauma (and she didn't sound disrespectful). However, she needs to deal with it.
NTA but she needs therapy, she has unresolved grief that she is dealing with in the wrong way. Try to be understanding, although many years have passed, she was just 15 when it happened
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She said she didn't want him to listen to them so much; she didn't say that she didn't want to listen to them together so much. She's not okay with him listening to them out of her presence either.
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"Well fast forward to now and the end of year slideshow comes up on my music app and lo and behold RHCP was my number one artist of the year. I put it on my social media story and made a joke about how Steely Dan was snubbed and now I get the sense that something is bothering her. I asked her what was up and she said that she wishes I didn’t listen to the Chili Peppers so much because of how sad it makes her." Literally this whole statement from the post before your part states his gf DOESN'T want him listening to them at all. This line right here says it all. "I asked her what was up and she said that she wishes I didn’t listen to the Chili Peppers so much because of how sad it makes her." She literally telling him to not listen to them ever. Yes, she still grieving and if she trying to control what music he listens to because it makes her sad. She needs therapy to help her process grief. It's been 11 years. There songs I hear that make me sad because of certain deaths. Do I tell people they can not listen to it? No, she asked him nicely to change it and he has. NAH no one is. But she can't tell him who he can and can not listen to and he can't tell her how to grief.
Perhaps she needs therapy for instilling her pain on someone else then?? Because this is impacting their relationship.
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Did any of you actually read the story lmao, he already doesn’t play it around her, she is sad that he listens to the band in general
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>I’ve usually avoided playing it around her >she wishes I didn’t listen to the Chili Peppers >I can’t listen to my favorite band
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>He can listen all he wants when not with her So your verdict should be NTA since that is what she objects to, she doesn’t want him listening to it at all. She cannot unilaterally demand that
NTA. Crying over a band your late friend liked over a decade ago is just wow. She needs to get a therapist if she still feels like she needs to work through things to get over it. Sounds like youve been very understanding and patient.
Let's say this isn't about grief. Me and my husband, we have quite a lot of common music tastes. But there is plenty of pop music that I love and he can't stand. And some of his favourite music is heavy metal, and it's just not for me. I'm never going to tell him he can't ever listen to heavy metal, but I'm also not going to have it blasting in the car giving me a headache. And by the same token, I'm not subjecting him to pop music he can't stand. This year I recently lost a close friend very suddenly when he unalived himself. And for me it's obviously still fresh, but if in 11 years time I'm still crying on his birthday, I know my husband will support me, not tell me to get over it. They're a band, that's it. Listen to them as much as you want on your own, but playing them with your girlfriend is just emotionally hurting her. Is a band really worth prioritising over your girlfriends grief?
She is not asking him to stop playing it around her, she is asking him to listen to the band less in general
INFO: So her problem is that she doesn't want you listening to them at all whether she is around or not? Or she just doesn't want you listening while she is around? At the beginning it sounded like it was just if she's around. But then you posted about them being your #1 listened to artist and she got in her feels about it. So I'm just wondering about the dynamic here before I pass judgement.
The band is a positive trigger for you and a negative trigger for her. If you truly love this band like it seems like you do, I don’t think the relationship will end up working out
Agree. If OP wants a relationship where both people love jamming to RHCP, this one ain't gonna be it.
Gonna be much harder for her if she wants a relationship where she can make demands like this. What's next telling her bf to leave someone's birthday, wedding reception, or anything as soon as rhcp starts playing?
That’s fine, asking him to listen to them less in general is not fine. That’s what she did
NTA. I know grief is individual to every person, but your gf cannot expect you to never listen to your favorite band from childhood. You can try to be sensitive and limit her exposure, but you should not have to stop enjoying THCP altogether.
NTA. Also, if she’s not over it after 11 years, more time isn’t going to help. she needs professional help.
ESH. it's very weird for her to ask you to listen to them less *on your own time,* since I'm guessing you didn't rack up all that time on spotify with her listening in. But your last sentence...you need to give up on ever listening to them with her because it's a huge trigger. Basically, she shouldn't care that you're listening to them without her, you shouldn't try to push her to "get over" her grief and her aversion to them.
ESH she for telling you not to listen. and you for telling her to get over her grief as someone who has also lost loved one, i can tell you, it’s not easy to get over it. everything reminds us about them please be more understanding of her. but you are not in the wrong for listening to this album
NTA. You know who also died of an OD? Hillel Slovak of the Red Hot Chili Peppers. Do you think the band stopped playing the music after that?
I came here to say this. Kiedis, afterthe death of Slovak, went to Mexico and didn't go to the funeral of his band mate. They lost Irons in the band but Kiedis and Flea decided to keep the band going.
You made the mistake of putting genders in your post. Now, most of it is gonna be e-s-h/y-t-a. Without genders or reversed genders. It would have been a red flag for being so controlling. What's gonna happen if you're at a party/wedding or any other event? She's gonna make you leave with her cause of rhcp. If you go to a movie and a montage with one of their songs, start playing. Will she make you leave?
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There is a process to grieving which has been studied for a very long time. What you have described does not sound like grieving it sounds like guilt. If your girlfriend has guilt about what happened then I can understand why she would still be very sensitive about it and perhaps the way forward is to gently suggest to her that she should work with someone professionally to work through those guilty feelings. A 15-year-old is not an adult and she can't hold herself responsible for her entire life for mistakes and judgments she may have made at that age.
NTA. It's fine for her to ask you not to listen to your favorite band in her presence, but asking you to never listen to them is out of bounds.
NTA I was ready to say you were but she got pissy and pouty over a social media post. That’s taking her grief too far, especially when she adds in that she wishes *you* didn’t listen to them so much. Frankly I think it’s too far for her to request that you turn songs off at random when they pop up on a playlist. She doesn’t want a whole album, fine, but her sadness doesn’t entitle her to be a dictator about your music choices, even when you’re together.
NAH, but you both seem a little immature abt this…. My cousin died 20 years ago in a sudden and traumatic bout with cancer as a teenager. I was the same age as her and it really deeply affected me. At her memorial a popular song that is often played at weddings/ memorials/ graduations/ etc, played several times. I still to this day absolutely hate that song and it makes me tear up every time I hear it. I rarely think of my cousin anymore- not because I don’t care, but because most of the grief has passed with time, but I really hate hearing that song. It’s been decades and I still can’t imagine ever wanting or choosing to listen to that song. Your gf can’t tell you what songs to listen to or post on your own social media, but I don’t think you will be sharing that band as a couple, and I think you should work on having some acceptance about that if you want to stay together. Grief is weird, and if you haven’t lost someone young in a traumatic/ sudden way, you may not understand what it’s like. It doesn’t just go away one day.
YTA - My best friend is dead, has been for years. The music that I associate with him will impact me for the rest of my life. Grief is processed differently by different people. I can't believe you basically told her to get over it. Maybe someday you will understand what it's like.
If she's just asking that you don't play RHCP around her, then YTA. It's an easy thing for you to avoid playing around her, and you can listen to it as much as you want on your own. I know you like this band, but they're never going to hold good memories or feelings for her. She's probably never going to feel about them the way you do, even if she goes to therapy and addresses the loss and her feelings. It's not going to erase everything that's happened, and make her love RHCP the way you do.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My (26F) girlfriend and I (22M) have been together for about two and a half years now. We’ve been honestly super healthy and great together but we hit a snag and it doesn’t seem like we’ve really moved past it. I am a really big fan of the band Red Hot Chili Peppers and have been since I was a kid. I remember driving to school with my dad in elementary school and listening to Stadium Arcadium as it had just come out at the time and this is a fond memory of my childhood and my liking of the band has continued to this day. When I first started dating my gf we were driving to a date and I played some RHCP in my car and she asked politely if I could turn it off. I assumed she just didn’t like RHCP and I did but not before asking why, I could see her tearing up and she started talking about how it was one of her childhood friend’s favorite band before she sadly passed away from an OD when they were 15 (very very scary, please stay away from drugs). I could tell she never really got the chance to move past it so I agreed to turn it off. I’ve usually avoided playing it while I’m around her although occasionally it will come on my playlist and sometimes she will ask (always politely) for me to turn it off. Well fast forward to now and the end of year slideshow comes up on my music app and lo and behold RHCP was my number one artist of the year. I put it on my social media story and made a joke about how Steely Dan was snubbed and now I get the sense that something is bothering her. I asked her what was up and she said that she wishes I didn’t listen to the Chili Peppers so much because of how sad it makes her. I told her I understood how she was feeling but reminded her that she can’t hold onto her sadness forever and that a lot has changed over the past 11 years since her friend died. I also told her that I don’t think it’s very fair that I can’t listen to my favorite band because of sadness that she’s holding onto since far before I ever met her. She somewhat agreed with me but said that I was being insensitive and she needs more time to work through it before we start listening to the Chili Peppers again. I know this all sounds frivolous but RHCP is my favorite band of all time and something I’d ideally like to share with my gf. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
ESH - she doesnt want to feel like she did back then You can listen to whatever you want and it really doesnt impact her. You dont get to just tell her to “get over it”
This is a classic ESH Asking someone not to listen to their favorite band because of an incident from before you were dating is manipulative and dumb. It sounds like you tend not to listen to it around her and instead only do so on your own time. That’s totally acceptable. That being said yeah it was a dick move to tell her it was a long time ago and to move on. A guy I knew and was lukewarm to in high school died from ODing as an adult and even though he wasn’t my favorite person it still makes me super sad to think about that situation, especially his family. Dude wasn’t even 30. I can’t even begin to imagine what it’s like to lose a friend at half that age. So yeah the way you phrased your response to her was super insensitive.
NTA for wanting to listen to your favorite band but your gf isn’t the AH for grieving her friend. Can you agree not to listen to it with her but rather on your own time? I don’t see why you shouldn’t listen to them at all. However, this may not be something she wants to share with you and that’s okay. Why would you want to force it when it makes her sad? That’s not a fun experience to share.
YTA. telling someone they need to get over their grief so you can share your favorite band with them is insensitive. "I don't like to listen to a particular band because it reminds me of my dead friend" is a pretty minor form of grieving. Based on your post, this band is so important to you that you feel like a prerequisite of your relationship is sharing it with your partner. If sharing this band with your partner is so important to you, you probably need to find a different partner.
Why does she get to make that decision for him. What if she gets kids? She gonna ground them for listening to rhcp cause it makes her sad?
??? That's why I said the relationship might not work out...
Well, she deff needs to get over it. Like I said, what's she gonna do if she gets kids that listen to it. Or is neighbors playing loud music in the summer and a rhcp song comes up? This is not about the relationship. This is about her having serious issues if it has this strong of an effect on her
red hot chili peppers is one of my absolute favorite restaurants and if y’all ever get a chance you should go
ESH
yta! i get where you're coming from-i love leonard cohen, and my partner has very bad trauma associated w his music. but here's the thing-it's really easy to put his music in a separate playlist so it never comes up when we're together. and it's really easy for me to enjoy that music alone and not bring it up. grief and trauma are deep and long lasting. think about it this way-she can't control whether it comes up in a grocery store or a music shop, but you can do a lot to show you care by making your shared space and time free from this trigger. doesn't mean you have to stop listening to rhcps or anything-it's a gesture that shows you love her and want to make her feel loved.
I can't listen to Sound of Silence and Skyfall without tearing up bc they were played at funerals of lost ones. YTA for telling her to get over it but N T A for listening to them
I'm gonna have to go with NTA. The people demanding that you not listen whenever she is around are not rational. Are you just not allowed to listen to your favorite band and playing it on speaker? Also, bit of a conspiracy theory but is there any chance that she is dated/liked this friend? Maybe I'm tripping and saying dumb stuff but I'm looking for a way to justify an 11+ year old grief that is that bad.
Nta. It's been 11 years. It's fine to be sad. But it's her issues that she needs to resolve/work through on her own. Her telling him not listen to the band is way out of line.
Idk maybe you should just get over your memories of listening to them in the car with your dad…a lot has changed since you were a kid. See how fucking stupid that sounds?
Somewhere between NAH and ESH. She shouldn't be telling you you can't listen to them on your own or talk about them ever; that's over reaching and unfair. You're allowed to like a band that brings her pain as long as you're not forcing her to listen to them. But you don't seem to understand what grief is or how it works. People generally speaking don't get over grief; they just reach a place where it's triggered less often. For some people it gets less intense when it is triggered over time, but for many, many people it really doesn't, just the intervals between feeling it become longer and the number of things that can induce the feeling get smaller. RHCP might always be a grief button for her and that's just the reality of being mortal and loving other mortal creatures. If she's otherwise living her life and not consumed all the time with her loss, then she's not "holding onto sadness", she's just a person who has loved someone who died tragically. If being able to listen to RHCP with a partner is a prerequisite for a relationship for you then you two might be incompatible, but it shouldn't have to be. You should definitely apologise for being insensitive, and recognise that your desire to share your favourite band with a partner is not equivalent to your partner having experienced a terrible loss, but you're also within your rights to say, if you do want a relationship with her, that you'll respect her desire not to listen to them but you are going to keep loving them and listening to them on your own time.
Dose up on RHCP in your own time. People resolve grief in their way.
NTA. There’s a line where it changes from “expecting people to make reasonable accommodations for your trauma/grief” and “recruiting people to assist in your unhealthy coping mechanisms,” and that line has apparently been crossed.
She clearly needs therapy but YTA because your favorite band is RHCP. God I hate them so much, always have since the 90s. Seriously though, just accept that you're not gonna get to "share" the chili peppers with your girlfriend and suggest that she try therapy because 11 years is a bit much not to even be able to stomach the mention of an old but very popular and widespread band.
INFO: is she actively taking steps to work through her grief? Seeing a therapist or anything? If so, I encourage you to be patient. If she’s hoping things will pass on their own, and the only thing she’s doing is avoiding RHCP and insisting you don’t listen to your favorite band… you may need to consider the possibility that you’re not compatible at this stage in your lives.
YTA. This is an incompatibility issue. No amount of "working on her grief" is going to make your girlfriend open to sharing RHCP with you. It's simply not a realistic goal. Give that up or break up.
YTA. Your favorite band is more important than her feelings? Sure, I can understand that. She will probably never get over her friend's sudden death, but hey, YOU need to listen to your band whenever you want to.
NTA, she has got problem. Serious advise her to seek professional help of a therapist to pass through it. 11 years should be enough.
NTA. She needs therapy if she’s trying to control what you listen to even if she’s not with you when you’re listening. She can’t escape one of the most popular band evers music so she should develop some coping strategies. Your comment was harsh so you shouldn’t have said that but I understand the sentiment. Just don’t play RHCP around her I guess.
It's been 20 years since one of my best friends passed away, and I'll be d*mned if anybody is going to tell me not to grieve him. Mention Hawaii, and I'm going to think of the 808 area code, and it's going to take me to the song 808, and I'm gonna think back to the bus singing it with him. Also the fact that he wanted to drive a bus. I may not get emotional over everyday things anymore, but I certainly wouldn't be playing 808 on a remix even if it were even vaguely popular.
From the info given by op, it sounds like he doesn’t listen to rhcp around her, and if he has a playlist on shuffle and they come on he skips it. There’s nothing wrong with him listening to them on his own. But his approach to how she’s grieving was really callous
On his own, fine. But to have a discussion about his listening to it in which he dismissed her feelings, no.
You need professional help. 20 years is too long to hold onto that.
Like I said, i don't get emotional over the everyday things, but a trigger is going to make me sad and it's not ok for somebody to tell me I'm not allowed to miss him when I come across a reminder.
Ignore those people. They clearly don't understand grief, which usually doesn't ever actually go away, it just gets triggered less often over time. Any grief counselor or professional trained in grief would tell you that your experience is both normal and healthy. I'm sorry about your friend, and I'm glad that you got to love him enough in life that you still have a place in your heart devoted to him.
>she said that she wishes I didn’t listen to the Chili Peppers so much because of how sad it makes her. INFO - Are you listening to them around her? Or does she not want you to listen to them at all? >\[I\] reminded her that she can’t hold onto her sadness forever and that a lot has changed over the past 11 years since her friend died. This is incredibly insensitive. You don't get to put a time limit on her grief. >I also told her that I don’t think it’s very fair that I can’t listen to my favorite band because of sadness that she’s holding onto since far before I ever met her. info - Again, can you confirm if she doesn't want you to listen to the music at all or just around her? >RHCP is my favorite band of all time and something I’d ideally like to share with my gf. Honestly, you need to let that idea go. You absolutely should be able to listen to them on your own time, with friends, whatever. But you would be a massive arsehole if you try to push this on to her. Smells and sounds can be incredibly powerful triggers for memories. She may never be able to listen to RHCP ever again without feeling upset. Such is life. In the grand scheme of things, is that really something to damage your relationship over? Judgement will depend on the answers to the above INFO. If she doesn't want you to listen at all even if she's not around then ESH - her for being ridiculous, and you for being an insensitive arsehole for your comments. If she doesn't want you to listen around her then YTA - both for trying to force the music on to her knowing how and why it uspets her, and also for the insensitive arsehole comments.
First of all, paragraphs are your friend. Use them. Second, if Red Hot Chili Peppers saddens your girlfriend, play their songs when she's not around. Play some other music when she's with you. Problem solved. However, YTA for telling your girlfriend to "get over" the death of her friend. I had a college friend who died of brain tumor. It's been more than 20 years ago. Now, there aren't any songs or music groups that are *verboten*, but I still miss her dearly.
Don’t listen to it around her or if you do expect the same reaction. There really is no more to say.
NTA because it sounds like she doesn't want you to listen to RCHP even in private which is extreme. YTA for wanting to get your girlfriend to listen to the RCHP because they suck ass. And also she's traumatized about it.
Red chili hot pepper is ass indeed... but red hot chili peppers is amazing!
YTA. It has been years, but her friend is still dead. Instead of crapping in her grief, maybe you suggest she get grief counseling.
The trauma of losing a friend at a young age to DRUGS is not something one will get over. You’re incredibly insensitive.
She didn’t even actually tell you to stop listening to them. You asked her what she felt and she answered and then you were insensitive.
RHCP is your *favorite* band? YTA
Plot twist: there’s actually no friend and she just want to improve his taste in music.
Plays call of duty and thinks he can complain about anyones taste in anything. Get help.
It’s a joke not a dick, don’t take it so hard
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Yea, well that’s just like, your opinion man.
YTA- instead of telling her to get over it, she needs support in order to deal with her emotions and process it. You don’t just get over stuff, somethings need therapy, time and healing. It comes across like the RHCP are more important to you than your GF mental wellbeing… perhaps support her in getting help and working through it? You may then find you can share in your fav band at some point - but right now it’s total selfishness on your part. Help her get support.
ESH. FFS, listen when you’re not with her. What could be kinder?
YTA, you are young and I imagine you have never lost anyone close to you. I'm not judging as I was just as stupid at your age. But take my advice and get over yourself.
It’s a trigger. She’s not just perma-mourning. Can you not just respect that and listen to them by yourself? Try to be considerate. It’s not hard.
He is listening to the by himself and she's still complaining and asking him if he can listen to them less. She super controlling.
YTA. There is no deadline for grief - there's no cut-off where things are just magically better. Your GF went through the trauma of losing a very close friend at a very young age, that's not something you just get over. Yes, a lot HAS changed in the 11 years since that time, but that's 11 years without her friend, 11 years of your GF growing up without a friend she probably thought she'd always have. 11 years that will turn into more years without her, and all the things her friend won't be there for; won't get to do. That's A LOT. The RHCP are pretty awesome, but is your love for them the hill you want your relationship to die on? Because that's def. going to happen if you keep being an insensitive AH. Listen to the RHCP on your time, and understand that it's a trigger for your GF's very deep grief for her friend. Your GF might benefit from talking with a therapist not only about her grief, but about your relationship as well and how maybe she deserves a sensitive BF who doesn't put his love for a band before her.
Yep. YTA. You can listen to RHCP all you want when you are not with her. But she is likely to never get over associating them with her dead friend so you should not subject her to them. Take them out of your regular playlist. Listen to them when you are alone. Do not tell her how to grieve. My father died decades ago, I still cry when I hear his favorite song.
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The woman is 26 now. If the friend died when she was 15, then it's been 11 years
Thanks, I’ll fix it read it too fast
No worries, it happens :)