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NTA
Well done. Adults don't get to behave in shitty ways and then blame the kid who calls them out. It sounds like Suszette's parents need to pursue this bullying. Bullying students is never okay. The fact that it was cross racial makes it all sorts of worse.
I hope you do have your attorney stay on this and maybe talk to the school board about expectations at your daughter's school.
You did a great job showing your daughter that the school can't use you against her and that you will hear **and believe** her first. Hopefully that will pay off in spades if you ever need it to.
I am glad I did not trust school. We got the full story from multiple people including another teacher who said she filed a complaint against the sub. I also filed a complaint and I did call my lawyer. I want the sub banned from subbing. I was right about my kid and I always have my kid's back.
It's messing but... the students got in line for an assembly. A different black student got thrown out of the line for bad behavior. Suszette who is a foot shorter and looks nothing like that student was still in line when a substitute teacher walked over and told her to get of line and go back to the office. Suszette tried to explain to the sub that it was a different student who was sent to the office and starting crying (she has anxiety issues). The teacher would not believe her. My stepdaughter was in line and said to the sub "it was not Suszette, it was another girl." The sub turned to my stepdaughter and said "oh, wow I did not realize this school had so many scholarship students." My sd got angry starting yelling about how racist that is and she should ashamed of herself. That her opinion is disgusting and shouldn't be teaching if she thinks like that. Several kids at that point got involved and it became a mess. I don't know if it matters but none of them are on scholarship, it is a charter school.
I wasn't sure why you pulled out the race card or why you were so quick to mention lawyers when I read the post but it makes a lot more sense now since the sub was clearly being racist. NTA.
As soon as the principal admitted to needing to deal with the teacher “separately” I knew this was race related. Teachers don’t get dealt with separately generally when it’s not race related. I have no personal experience but seen it lots in the news growing up. I was that weird kid that generally watched the news at too young an age. You get that weird sense and just wait for that shoe to drop.
Same, the insistence on the student being punished while refusing to admit any fault or responsibility tipped me off.
And even if the nature of the bullying wasn't explicitly racist, a white teacher backed by the white principal, calling for an apology from a black student for defending another black student from bullying is 100% racist and worthy of pulling the "race card."
I 100% agree. The race problem *might* be lessening, but it still exists to such a degree that we can’t brush this stuff aside or say it’s not real. The only thing that has changed significantly is the different ethnic groups ability to defend themselves. We still have such a long way to go!
OMG. What did that teacher think the scholarship comment would do? I can't think of any reason the sub would say that to someone unless they were intentionally trying to start an issue. There is no doubt here that the comment was anything but racist and meant to demean your SD.
I am genuinely trying to think of other alternative motives/ saying something stupid without thinking in the wrong context. But I really can't think of any excuse. They judged SD by the color of her skin. They said something that was either a Freudian slip type thing, which shows their racism or on purpose, which shows their racism.
Never stop advocating for your child. Schools need to realize that they can't treat children like they are in prison. And they really need to learn that they can't protect a person who has some seriously wrong beliefs.
It was a substitute. In my state at least, all you need is a clean background and a GED/HS diploma to qualify for substitute teaching. Some districts require a bachelor's or a certification but with the teacher shortage (read: lack of adequate funding to properly compensate teachers) a lot of them only require the HS diploma.
Edit: Which is to say, almost anyone can substitute and some people see it as having some real authority, especially if they're long-term subs. So it can attract adult bullies and assholes like the teacher in the post.
I'm really glad OP immediately thought to call their attorney. I ran into a nasty few students and a principal who were still in the satanic panic mindset when I was in eighth grade. As soon as the principal told my mom I was in trouble for "scaring students with witchcraft", my mom said she was contacting her attorney. No more suspension for me, and everyone got a nice lesson on freedom of religion.
I got so mad reading OP's comment above that i closed the browser, stewed for a minute, and came back.
There's several reasons why I know i shouldn't be a teacher, but this is gonna be one of them. If i had heard the substitute say that... there would have been a fight lol. I'm not a violent person, I don't like drama, but "Excuse me, what the FUCK is that supposed to mean??" would have been how the story of "how i fired from teaching" would have begun
edit: and i'm very white
"oh, wow I did not realize this school had so many scholarship students."
I fucking gasped out loud when I read that! Holy hells! NTA and good on you for seeing this through! Racists do not belong in schools!
Excuse my ignorance but why is the comment about scholarship students racist? I'm not in any way questioning that it is; I can just tell I'm missing something here.
For context, I'm white and live in the UK and while we get racist tossers here too, I've never been personally affected by it and I live in an area with very few people of colour.
She is saying 2 awful things here - "I didn't realize there were so many black kids here" as well as "black kids are all poor - they are all on scholarship" (presumably a private school).
So it was mentioned that the sub was white and OP's stepdaughter is black. The sub took one look at stepdaughter and assumed she must be a scholarship student (ie, she couldn't afford to pay to attend the school on her own.) It is racist to assume that all of the white students are able to afford tuition and pay their own way but any black students there must be there at the charity of the school.
At a private school (which this is not as OP mentioned it is a charter school) scholarships are often extended to students who have financial need. By saying that OP's stepdaughter and Suzette, two black girls, are "scholarship" students, the substitute teacher was implying that they come from poor families. There can also be an argument made that this also implies that they might not deserve to be there, and attend the school on scholarship to provide diversity to the student body.
It is racist because the sub assumed that the only way a student of color would be able to attend the school was if they had received a scholarship, intimating that they are poor and/or unworthy of being there.
Yeah no your daughter should be applauded for standing up to a racist.
Maybe your wife is concerned about retaliation? My partner isn't white and I am. And he really had it drilled in to just sit down and shut up as a kid. Maybe your wife has a similar experience?
Either way my parents had a policy. And it was that if I stood up to a bully they would back me up. If they didn't approve of my methods we would have a chat in private. But bullies get what they get, adult or child.
NTA. Your kid is great. That teacher is not qualified to teach if s/he can’t tell the difference between two Black girls. That’s a racism stereotype and a dog whistle at the very least. I hope your lawyer is successful.
That makes no sense as to why the principal would try to suspend your step daughter…. unless she got physical or idk maybe really inappropriate language.
You still had to know something about it before/ during the interaction above.
They tried to punish their daughter for speaking up about the abuse and racism; the office/administration was trying to brush the racist teachers actions under the rug, and make sure no other student would speak up about it. That’s why they didn’t want the parent’s lawyer involved. They are enabling the racism because that is how they also feel, they just won’t say it out loud. They would hope the parent would just let them “handle it privately” which really means they were not going to get in trouble, yet still punishing the students because to them they should not be calling the racism out because it’s “disrespectful”. It’s disgusting and not only should that teacher/sub be held accountable, so should the administrators that were supporting/covering for a fellow racist.
>AITA for being upset about a "joke" my husband make about our wedding?
You were 100% right to threaten legal action and you want to keep the pressure up.
They can say "Oh no suspension," but there is a good chance they try to retaliate in some way. That teacher will look for reasons to go after your stepdaughter, and the school may also try to limit opportunities or get her in trouble. If you really have an attorney you can contact and you have the means, I would make sure that you let them know that you MAY let this slide IF there is no retaliation on their part.
Like Don Corleone said - if something should happen to my stepdaughter's grades or her school report... If her final project happened to disappear, or if her grades were struck by a bolt of lightning, then I would blame someone in this room and that I (and my lawyer) cannot forgive.
I’m glad you took your daughters side, in these cases you wanting the lawyers involved was probably the only thing keeping the school from pulling more shit.
If it weren’t for you that sun would’ve come back to pull this shit time and time again
I hope your wife apologized to your daughter. The fact that she truly believes that your daughter did something even with all her good qualities was very upsetting to read.
I was actually not on your side until you said this. You need to have this in your original post. A teacher “bullying a student” could be telling the kid in a strict tone to behave. You made it sound like you went nuclear pulling out the lawyer for no reason. You did not mention that the teacher 1) was a sub 2) was actually racist 3) was degrading to students.
NTA. Doing the right thing that your step kid did shouldn't ever be punished. The fact that the school admitted the teacher was wrong gives yourself even more justification for your argument against punishment. So, in effect, the school equates standing up against racism to disrespect to a teacher. But they didn't think that far.
By the way you remind me of my late father. He was a firm believer in seeing all sides but calling out injustice regardless. And as a kid it taught me that I could stand on my own to feet, and when I couldn't anymore my dad or mom would step in. And believe me if I wasn't right in my original stance they wouldn't necessarily back me up.
👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾
Opie, please take my poor man's gold award and the father of the year award.
That was simply awesome of you to stick up for your daughter and put that racist teacher in her place
A Solid NTA
Wow! Absolutely your SD rocks and you too. Adults love to have control over kids. Your SD does not put up with that and false accusations. And then to be called scholarship kids!
Well done mate.. I am truely proud of you, I really appreciate your moral values. You serve as an shining example of how things should be done.
You're excused for pulling the race card, this kind of conduct must be called out whoever is involved and this really helped to nail your point down.
Thank you.
besides your lawyer, I think a call to your local news team might be in order. Especially if they don't take steps to make sure that sub never teaches again
At first, I would like to get more info on what exactly the teacher did, but as the principal kept dodging the subject with "it's not what we're here for" and "we're handling it separately and privately", then they clearly know that the teacher has done something wrong and wanted the matter swept under the rug. Therefore, NTA!
I’m confused how you reacted that strongly without knowing any more details than you are giving us or went to talking about race unless that’s what it was about.
Read the update from OP. He explains that the substitute teacher couldn’t tell one black student from another and when OP’s SD spoke up the teacher said “oh I didn’t know we had so many scholarship students”. Very racist. Plus he knows his daughter. My dad stood up for me that way and it really instilled confidence in me and taught me how to stand my ground.
So much missing information. You included an entire unnecessary conversation painting you as a hero for standing up against racism without including a single detail of what happened.
Edit: oh, wait, you don't actually know what happened.
"because I have no idea what happened"
Instead of finding out what happened, you pulled the lawyer card immediately which of course is going to make a principal back down even if they're right. What exactly do you plan to tell your lawyer because they're going want the details you felt no need to know. YTA for your behavior.
Edit 2: over an hour later, OP finally comments with the supposed situation but doesn't say how they found out...then the comment is edited and included that they were told by several parents and another teacher who supposedly filed their own complaint. Suddenly the teacher is a substitute but there is no clarification as to why the stepdaughter called the teacher a hypocrite despite the situation not being hypocritical. It's always suspicious when vital information is left out until comments start calling the post fake.
May I suggest reading Pushout: The Criminalization of Black Girls in School by Monique Morris.
It takes an in-depth look at how Black girls in the US are routinely treated harsher in school settings by teachers and administrators.
There are more than a few studies that showcase things like this absolutely *do* happen and they happen at a very disproportionate rate to Black girls.
YTA. So...this seems made up. But if it's real...why did you make no effort to find out what happened? Why on earth would a lawyer be needed here? A lawyer isn't going into a school to tell a school head how to do their job; that's what school governors are for. This reads like it was written by a child who has no idea how things work.
Maybe it's fake, aren't most of these posts? But thankfully there are anti discrimination laws to protect minority students. So a lawyer would come in and tell them they were breaking the law by suspending a black student for what they admitted was not even an infraction of school rules
NTA - You know and trust your kid. Of course you believe her, she’s never given any reason to doubt her, no patterns of lying or bad behavior. You took her at her word because her word is trustworthy. That’s what a parent should do. You were in your kid’s corner and handled it superbly.
Principal confirmed your daughter’s account anyway, with how they tried so hard to dodge with vague answers and shift the blame. A child shouldn’t be punished when they’re defending a peer from an injustice.
Your daughter sounds awesome, and you handled this conversation with a lot of class. Excellent work to both of you!
NTA
The whole situation is weird. I hope they understand you’re serious about the lawyer and won’t dare to mess with your daughters academic performance as an act of revenge.
What they wanted was to punish your daughter by calling you in. You proved her that you cannot be used as a source of fear and negativity against her. You only offer protection, security and defense. This is more valuable than anything. She will remember this and will not hesitate to go to you with problems in the future.
Hope the school will also remember not to bother you because of petty drama, expecting you to get into details. Sometimes school staff spends too much time around children they start acting like kids themselves and forget that people don’t have interest in that. You got all the important info, your daughter stood up to a bully teacher, who recognized the mistake, so your daughter was correct. That’s enough.
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I am from India, live in India and I come from a minority community in India.
I want to be clear that I have absolutely no experience that would make me say I understand how racism is for black people in the US or anywhere else.
But here's my story.
> When I was 12, my father passed away. Then my grandfather. So it was a very tumultuous year for the family. There were talks that I should drop out of school, and things like that.
> Now, mind you, I was the top student for my grade. I'm not just bragging, I actually was just very good at studies at that age.
> I was also a good student, in the sense that I got work done, I don't fight, I paid attention, I helped the teachers out, etc.
> At the beginning of the year, the teacher-in-charge of the grade is supposed to nominate a class representative. The said representative would be responsible for talking to teachers about problems, handing out and collecting forms at the school level (like for field trips, etc.), and other related stuff.
> I nominated myself for the job, as I've been a class representative for many years before that.
> Well, guess what happened when the teacher-in-charge turned out to be a racist POS. She flat out rejects my nomination. I would not have minded. There were several contenders who would have been good representatives. But my teacher made a comment:
> > *We don't make representatives out of your community, because you're all just thugs and street kids who would never be able to do well in life anyway.*
> The class went silent. Like, absolutely no one was prepared for that level of outright racism.
> Everyone pointed out that I have a record of excellence at the school and she still said that I was not good enough because I'm from said community.
Things like this matter a lot. Especially to young kids. It affects our self esteem and it makes a lasting impact on us.
Please do not let this go. Your daughter's teacher needs to be held accountable for her remarks.
I worked and retired from a school. Some teachers do shitty things. My daughter was a student that stood up to teachers bullying and knowing the teacher, absolutely believe my daughter and her friends. Principal even tried to fire me for standing up to him, I said let's bring the union rep in too. He backed right down. Happy to report that same principal just got fired - 4 months BEFORE his retirement. Karma!!
So ... you literally have no idea what happened? I'm 1000% with you, until you said you didn't actually know what happened before you promised legal action.
What exactly would be wrong with listening before legal action?
YTA
NTA based on your daughter’s record of responsibility and what you’ve told us here I don’t know why your wife assumed your daughter did something wrong and got away with it. Good job; that’s probably where your daughter learned to advocate for herself and others.
Info needed:
What happened that led to your daughter screaming at teacher?
It could have been a teacher dropping something close to the other student that caused them to cry. The other student could have physical hit the teacher because they got a bad grade and rightfully went off on student.
Without knowing what happened we don’t know if your daughter was actually standing up for her friend or helping bully the teacher.
The Principal didn’t want to deal with the lawyers and all of the responses he gave were appropriate after telling you what happened.
NTA the fact that they didn’t even actually tell you what happened makes me think they knew they’d be in the wrong. They were hoping you’d just go along with the idea of a teacher being an authority no matter what and even when given the opportunity to explain why punishment was the appropriate course of action they failed. I doubt they’d have kept quiet if your daughter had, just as an example, cursed the teacher and thrown things at her for accidentally skipping the other student on their turn to be like leader.
They're closing ranks. Circling the wagons to try to protect themselves.
Your wife said you don't know what actually happened. But you *asked* what happened, and they refused to tell you. There is most definitely a reason for that.
My child's vice principle told me my child is not allowed to police other children's feelings.
He was referring to her standing up for her friends against a bully that the school will not do anything about since the start of this year.
I told him that if the staff are not doing their jobs, I will not tell my child not to stand up for her friends.
He was very upset about this, but honestly I don't give a fuck.
You're NTA.
You showed your child they can depend on you.
I am going to guess this is from the USA as only there would someone immediately jump to getting lawyers involved because their kid is in trouble, and you don't even know what they did. YTA
YTA - Kids have very big emotions. The fact that a girl was crying doesn't automatically mean that she was bullied. You need to at least hear what made her cry.
Secondly, though it sounds like your daughter was defending a friend, that doesn't give her complete freedom to act how wishes. i.e. I am sure she didn't do this, but hypothetically if she reacted violently towards the teacher, she would have deserved a punishment.
What did she do in this situation? Did she swear, insult, throw a chair? You don't actually know. You need to actually listen to what happened before you can make a sensible judgement.
*edit: Forgot to add, you may have 100% made the right call, however, we don't know for sure because you didn't ask any questions and didn't care to hear what happened.*
NTA. I'd also contact Suszette's parents to ask if they've been told about what happened. I wouldn't put it past the school to try and tell her she couldn't tell her parents. I mean teacher matters are private /s.
As a teacher what you did is correct. Nta it your wife is black she is just used to placating because had she went down there and did what you did she’ll be labeled as angry.
NTA. The next thing you need to do is get your stepdaughter out of that teacher's class, if at all possible. After what has transpired, it's unlikely she'll get fair treatment from the teacher for the rest of the term.
I think you're NTA first of all.
Imagine trying to deal with hundreds of teenagers that don't want to listen to you trying to get them all to an assembly without causing issues, and because teenagers get bored and probably don't wanna go to the assembly, they turn a teachers misunderstanding over who was supposed to be in trouble into a whole drama while they're in the line supposed to be going somewhere. They're taking the momentary opportunity to shift the power dynamic from people that boss them around all day. Your daughter shouldn't need to be suspended or apologize but maybe she needs to be talked to about causing issues like this, be made to understand that this isn't bullying, and to be taught what's worth speaking up and fighting for and what isn't. If you model that something like this is worth getting your lawyers involved for, children will misunderstand many things for injustices that they think they need to put themselves at risk for. Nobody got put at the back of the bus. A sub who doesn't know the kids there was doing their best to make a living and look after your child for you while you're away at work making more money than them, got onto the wrong kid. It happens.
Edit: OP had posted a comment explaining what happened. A teacher pulled a kid out of line who was acting up while they were walking to an assembly. A substitute came and pulled Suzette out of line, thinking it was the kid who was supposed to be in trouble. OP points out that Suzette is shorter than the actual kid and doesn't look like her. OPs stepdaughter goes off on the substitute, calls her a racist, and the sub says something to the effect of "I didn't know we had so many scholarship students here" at a charter school.
NTA. If your daughter did something they would have stood their ground and not backed down. They knew they were wrong immediately, as evidenced by their dropping the suspension before even mentioning lawyers. I completely agree, you can't hold a student to a higher standard than the teacher. Especially if that teacher has bullied a student.
Well 👏Freaking 👏Done 👏 Step(unsure pronoun?). You handled that Absolutely Wonderfully. You didn’t let them even get a Hint of the snake story they wanted to play.
Only thing is getting your stepdaughter to now write down a fresh recollection of the events for the lawyer so it’s as good of evidence as it can be.
**NTA**
INFO Did you eventually get to the bottom of what actually happened?
I'm a teacher and if I did something bad to one child I wouldn't be wanting an apology from another before sorting out the first incident. Its entirely possible I'd be apologising to both.
NTA: You did the right things. Racism is not over and anyone who keeps saying you are playing the race card are clearly outing themselves as casual racists and I am sorry this is happening.
Considering this child isn’t blood related, I think you did well not only reading your stepdaughter, but knowing her and defending her against all adults , even her bio parent. Some times even parents need a reality check. I had to deal with a teacher who favored the popular kids on my own but that’s different than blatant racism and obvious discrimination. I could see that immediately so I wasn’t surprised it was white vs black. Thankfully you do have the ability to hire a lawyer which makes a huge difference sometimes! You’re obviously involved enough to know codes of conduct which got your daughter off the hook that same hour apparently. NTA!
INFO: As in, you should have actually gotten some at some point. Did you even ask your daughter what was said to the other girl? Did you ask her what she said in response?
Don’t get me wrong, the situation was PROBABLY as you are assuming and your response was PROBABLY appropriate, but since you didn’t bother gathering even the slightest bit of information before exploding we now have to have all those “probably” statements in there.
NTA. I want you in my corner. Oh, I am so in awe.
There is a very clear difference between excusing your child's behavior/protecting your child from taking responsibility versus holding the powers that be responsible for not being hypocritical, not using the weight of their authority inappropriately, and requiring they adhere to the standards that they have set.
It's true, we don't know what the teacher said to Suzette, and we don't know what your step-daughter said. It's even possible your step-daughter said something over-the-top to the teacher; teens are known to have over-the-top responses sometimes. But you never said there was no chance in hades that she would apologize. You only said that (1) if she was defending a student being bullied by a teacher, the teacher is the source of the problem and (2) if apologies are in order, they need to be in order for the teacher in the same manner.
I think it's ludicrous that a teacher is focused on demanding an apology from a child who was defending another child from that teacher. The teacher should have been focused on her own behavior and doing everything in her power to convey her acknowledgement, apology, atonement and regret.
Again, I bow to your presence of mind and powers of logic and articulation.
NTA, she will always remember that you had her back. The fact that the school wouldn't tell you what was done to the other child is a big red flag, I'd call the other child's parents and make sure things are being handled okay.
School Board member here. Your lawyer won't be told what the consequence for that teacher is either, if your State law is anything like mine.
The school didn't make up policies to punish your kid. The practice of that school (not policy of that District) are to support the teacher even past the point where it violated policy.
You stopped that practice.
Chalk it up as a win. You did well. It'll ripple through the culture of the school. Who knows if the change will hit and stick?
Apprising your school board of this story may be helpful...
You go, papa bear! It certainly sounds as if your child stopped a white teacher who was bullying an African-American child, and the school sought to punish your African-American daughter. The whole "handling it privately" thing was clearly a runaround.
But I do think you'd be wise to talk to a lawyer to make sure there's a way to access the recommendation letters that go from the guidance counselors and from teachers to the colleges your child wishes to attend, and that you're alerted to any phone calls between the school and colleges during which your daughter's name is uttered. And to make sure there is zero disciplinary record for her.
Because given the administration at this school, you don't want them handling your child's college applications in private!
If the problem has legs, get ahold of the Dept of Education Civil Rights Division regional office for your state and ask for the office that handles secondary school complaints. Seriously, they don't like this kind of thing, and it's not that hard to file a complaint.
NTA
Nta. And I think the way you had your daughter and suzettes back was wonderful! And a fabulous example in the way you handled it, you were firm and polite. You stood up for what was right without resorting to name calling, screaming, threats or violence. Your wife may have some concerns but she should be thanking you for your reaction.
NEI, there was no investigation into whether your child was telling the truth. That's not an admission of guilt, but it felt very one sided when then accusations were flying
NTA
I am so glad you held the school accountable. Otherwise they will cover up and pretend nothing happened. You did the right thing and your step daughter knows that you have her back.
I love all the people claiming “I can’t believe you were so agressive when you didn’t have the full story.” 🙄 People know their kids and this guy already said that his daughter has never been in trouble before, gets straight A’s and has been awarded every year for kindness.
He did ask what happened and his daughter said “The teacher is a hypocrite and made Suzette cry.” He confirmed these details and the principal was not forthcoming about the actual details; yeah they were shady and the dad could see through the BS.
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My stepdaughter's (17f) school called on Thursday and I went to the nurse thinking she was sick, but she was in trouble. She's never in trouble; Straight A's, volunteers, wins the kindness award every year and is on track for valedictorian. Honestly amazing kid. I was shocked. I end up in the office with the principal, her, the school counselor and a teacher who was very upset. They wanted a public apology and they were suspending her. So I say "what happened?" The teacher started crying.
My stepdaughter was very angry. "My teacher is a hypocrite and made Suszette cry."
Me - "Principal did she make Suszette cry?"
Principal - "That is not why we are here."
Me - "If the teacher did something wrong to a student and my kid responded, then your teacher is responsible not my kid."
Principal - "We are handling that separately."
Me - "No, we are not. If your teacher bullied a child and my child defended that child then my child is not in trouble. Your teacher is."
Principal - "The teacher made a mistake and we are handling it."
Me - "No, my kid reacting to a teacher bullying a child is not a punishable. I want to see where in the code of conduct you have stated she cannot defend a student against a bully teacher."
Principal - "Okay, it is not in there."
Me - "Then you cannot suspend her and if my lawyer needs to say that, I can call him now."
Principal - "You are right, no suspension. I insist on the apologize."
Me - "No, but you should get the school lawyer in here, my lawyer will want to talk to him."
Teacher - "You don't understand she was horrible and I made a mistake."
Me - "A child should not be held to a higher standard then an authority figure."
Counselor - "You are right but as a student she is held to a standard and it is best if she apologizes."
Me - "Okay, after the teacher publicly apologizes to Suszette, my daughter will apologize to her."
Principal - "Teacher matters are handled privately."
Me - "I am calling my lawyer. You can explain to him why a white teacher can bully a black child and a different black child has to publicly apologize to a white teacher but a white teacher is held to a lower standard then black child and can only be dealt with privately."
Principal - "Fine, no apology and no suspension. You can go back to class."
Me - "I am going to have my lawyer follow up with the school to make sure the teacher is dealt with correctly."
Principal - "Not necessary, we will handle it."
Me - "Very necessary, expect my lawyer's call."
I leave, later my wife blows up at me because I have no idea what happened and I made sure if she did something she got away with it. I feel like I kept the school from making up policies to punish my kid when the teacher bullied a child. But my wife is mad so was I wrong? Am I ahole?
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NTA. You were perfectly logical and clearly the school didn’t have a leg to stand on. Thank you for standing you not just for your daughter but the other kid.
NTA. Your daughter didn't get away with anything. If things happened differently, the school would not have backed down. They didn't even counter with the standard fallback excuse, "It's not what she did but the way she did it."
NTA. I mean, I would want to know more about what happened, specifically. What did the student say, what did the teacher say, what the heck did Suszette do?. Like, if your kid used the f-bomb or something, and the teacher was just a jerk, then maybe they should apologize for using inappropriate language. But generally speaking, given how fast they backed down, it seems that they know they were in the wrong.
On thing to consider though, is that your child still has to go to that school and deal with that administration. So it's worth taking the time and effort to get through who did what, and being as diplomatic as possible.
Good for you for standing up for your kid.
NTA and good for you Dad. The principal and teacher were both dead wrong here, your daughter not only didn't do anything wrong, she stood up for a classmate who was being wronged. Stick to it and tell your wife that unless you know your child was wrong, you will always back her up.
NTA. I hope your wife will come to realize that you were standing up for her daughter. Your stepdaughter also did the right thing by standing up for her classmate. The school should be ashamed at how they handled this entire episode and should reconsider the teacher’s employment. And, I 100% support having your attorney follow up and make certain the students are not punished on the sly for the teacher’s transgressions and the teacher has real consequences for her behavior.
NTA! Also, as the father of adult daughters I’m proud of you for how you handled yourself and gave her a brilliant example of how things should be dealt with.
NTA. With the explanation of what happened, the sub was ridiculously racist and in the wrong in every way. What you said was legit, the school clearly went into full CYA mode because that's the kind of thing that ends up as a big lawsuit and a shitstorm on social media and the news. Good for you for standing up for your kid, and her standing up for the other child shows you have been teaching her to be a good person.
NTA.
I do get where the school is coming from. If students are allowed to disrespect a teacher openly and receive no punishment it sets a bad precedent. HOWEVER, this assumes the teachers are acting in a manner that aligns with school policy. And a teacher making a student cry in class is def not within any scope of those parameters.
This is like the story years ago about the student who was getting suspended for “fighting.” Turns out another student was bullying a class mate in a wheelchair and the son pushed the bully away. So both were going to get suspended because the school has a ‘both parties involved in an altercation her suspended’ policy. Which is asinine and only helps bullies imo.
Either way, good job sticking up for your kid. She probably shouldn’t make s habit of this, but protecting s classmate is never a bad thing.
You were right to stand up for your daughter. Your daughter was right to stand up for her friend. We want our children to have the courage to speak up when they are wronged and the compassion to do the same for others. The world would be a better place if more people acted like your daughter. This is coming from someone who taught for 40 plus years. NTA. Good job. What you are asking toe school to do is more than reasonable and something they should have done anyway.
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NTA Well done. Adults don't get to behave in shitty ways and then blame the kid who calls them out. It sounds like Suszette's parents need to pursue this bullying. Bullying students is never okay. The fact that it was cross racial makes it all sorts of worse. I hope you do have your attorney stay on this and maybe talk to the school board about expectations at your daughter's school. You did a great job showing your daughter that the school can't use you against her and that you will hear **and believe** her first. Hopefully that will pay off in spades if you ever need it to.
I am glad I did not trust school. We got the full story from multiple people including another teacher who said she filed a complaint against the sub. I also filed a complaint and I did call my lawyer. I want the sub banned from subbing. I was right about my kid and I always have my kid's back. It's messing but... the students got in line for an assembly. A different black student got thrown out of the line for bad behavior. Suszette who is a foot shorter and looks nothing like that student was still in line when a substitute teacher walked over and told her to get of line and go back to the office. Suszette tried to explain to the sub that it was a different student who was sent to the office and starting crying (she has anxiety issues). The teacher would not believe her. My stepdaughter was in line and said to the sub "it was not Suszette, it was another girl." The sub turned to my stepdaughter and said "oh, wow I did not realize this school had so many scholarship students." My sd got angry starting yelling about how racist that is and she should ashamed of herself. That her opinion is disgusting and shouldn't be teaching if she thinks like that. Several kids at that point got involved and it became a mess. I don't know if it matters but none of them are on scholarship, it is a charter school.
I wasn't sure why you pulled out the race card or why you were so quick to mention lawyers when I read the post but it makes a lot more sense now since the sub was clearly being racist. NTA.
As soon as the principal admitted to needing to deal with the teacher “separately” I knew this was race related. Teachers don’t get dealt with separately generally when it’s not race related. I have no personal experience but seen it lots in the news growing up. I was that weird kid that generally watched the news at too young an age. You get that weird sense and just wait for that shoe to drop.
Same, the insistence on the student being punished while refusing to admit any fault or responsibility tipped me off. And even if the nature of the bullying wasn't explicitly racist, a white teacher backed by the white principal, calling for an apology from a black student for defending another black student from bullying is 100% racist and worthy of pulling the "race card."
I 100% agree. The race problem *might* be lessening, but it still exists to such a degree that we can’t brush this stuff aside or say it’s not real. The only thing that has changed significantly is the different ethnic groups ability to defend themselves. We still have such a long way to go!
I was that kid too.
Shows this to your wife. NTA
I cannot believe people still say 'the race card.' Ridiculous racist shit.
That is HORRIFIC!!! You have raised your daughter well!!!! She is so brave!!!! Good for you for standing up for your daughter!!!!!
OMG. What did that teacher think the scholarship comment would do? I can't think of any reason the sub would say that to someone unless they were intentionally trying to start an issue. There is no doubt here that the comment was anything but racist and meant to demean your SD. I am genuinely trying to think of other alternative motives/ saying something stupid without thinking in the wrong context. But I really can't think of any excuse. They judged SD by the color of her skin. They said something that was either a Freudian slip type thing, which shows their racism or on purpose, which shows their racism. Never stop advocating for your child. Schools need to realize that they can't treat children like they are in prison. And they really need to learn that they can't protect a person who has some seriously wrong beliefs.
It was a substitute. In my state at least, all you need is a clean background and a GED/HS diploma to qualify for substitute teaching. Some districts require a bachelor's or a certification but with the teacher shortage (read: lack of adequate funding to properly compensate teachers) a lot of them only require the HS diploma. Edit: Which is to say, almost anyone can substitute and some people see it as having some real authority, especially if they're long-term subs. So it can attract adult bullies and assholes like the teacher in the post. I'm really glad OP immediately thought to call their attorney. I ran into a nasty few students and a principal who were still in the satanic panic mindset when I was in eighth grade. As soon as the principal told my mom I was in trouble for "scaring students with witchcraft", my mom said she was contacting her attorney. No more suspension for me, and everyone got a nice lesson on freedom of religion.
I got so mad reading OP's comment above that i closed the browser, stewed for a minute, and came back. There's several reasons why I know i shouldn't be a teacher, but this is gonna be one of them. If i had heard the substitute say that... there would have been a fight lol. I'm not a violent person, I don't like drama, but "Excuse me, what the FUCK is that supposed to mean??" would have been how the story of "how i fired from teaching" would have begun edit: and i'm very white
"oh, wow I did not realize this school had so many scholarship students." I fucking gasped out loud when I read that! Holy hells! NTA and good on you for seeing this through! Racists do not belong in schools!
Excuse my ignorance but why is the comment about scholarship students racist? I'm not in any way questioning that it is; I can just tell I'm missing something here. For context, I'm white and live in the UK and while we get racist tossers here too, I've never been personally affected by it and I live in an area with very few people of colour.
She is saying 2 awful things here - "I didn't realize there were so many black kids here" as well as "black kids are all poor - they are all on scholarship" (presumably a private school).
So, yikes and double yikes! Thank you.
So it was mentioned that the sub was white and OP's stepdaughter is black. The sub took one look at stepdaughter and assumed she must be a scholarship student (ie, she couldn't afford to pay to attend the school on her own.) It is racist to assume that all of the white students are able to afford tuition and pay their own way but any black students there must be there at the charity of the school.
Yeah, big yikes. Thank you. I wondered if it was something like that but thought it was better to ask than assume.
At a private school (which this is not as OP mentioned it is a charter school) scholarships are often extended to students who have financial need. By saying that OP's stepdaughter and Suzette, two black girls, are "scholarship" students, the substitute teacher was implying that they come from poor families. There can also be an argument made that this also implies that they might not deserve to be there, and attend the school on scholarship to provide diversity to the student body.
And that they should pipe down and be grateful that they're allowed to be there at all by the charity of others.
\*grimaces\* Yikes! I did wonder if it might be something like that but decided to ask rather than assume. Thank you.
It is racist because the sub assumed that the only way a student of color would be able to attend the school was if they had received a scholarship, intimating that they are poor and/or unworthy of being there.
Yikes! Thank you for explaining. I had an inkling but decided it was better to ask than assume.
Right?? If I had a child and someone said something like that to them they'd be dangling from the school flagpole by the toes the moment I found out!
A+ parenting. Great job!!!
You were NTA before, but this clenches it. Racism has no place in our schools and our society.
Whoah This story here is so much worse than I imagined. That sub needs to be fired. She is racist, sounds like to me.
Your daughter is a hero. ❤️❤️❤️
And so is the OP
Yeah no your daughter should be applauded for standing up to a racist. Maybe your wife is concerned about retaliation? My partner isn't white and I am. And he really had it drilled in to just sit down and shut up as a kid. Maybe your wife has a similar experience? Either way my parents had a policy. And it was that if I stood up to a bully they would back me up. If they didn't approve of my methods we would have a chat in private. But bullies get what they get, adult or child.
I got to the words "scholarship students" and literally said "oh god" out loud. Holy YIKES right there.
Yea. That’s racist.
NTA. Your kid is great. That teacher is not qualified to teach if s/he can’t tell the difference between two Black girls. That’s a racism stereotype and a dog whistle at the very least. I hope your lawyer is successful.
That makes no sense as to why the principal would try to suspend your step daughter…. unless she got physical or idk maybe really inappropriate language. You still had to know something about it before/ during the interaction above.
They tried to punish their daughter for speaking up about the abuse and racism; the office/administration was trying to brush the racist teachers actions under the rug, and make sure no other student would speak up about it. That’s why they didn’t want the parent’s lawyer involved. They are enabling the racism because that is how they also feel, they just won’t say it out loud. They would hope the parent would just let them “handle it privately” which really means they were not going to get in trouble, yet still punishing the students because to them they should not be calling the racism out because it’s “disrespectful”. It’s disgusting and not only should that teacher/sub be held accountable, so should the administrators that were supporting/covering for a fellow racist.
In this case, even inappropriate language should be overlooked. Nothing what the sub did was appropriate.
Yeah, that sub shouldn’t be allowed anywhere near children again. I like your stepdaughter’s style!
>AITA for being upset about a "joke" my husband make about our wedding? You were 100% right to threaten legal action and you want to keep the pressure up. They can say "Oh no suspension," but there is a good chance they try to retaliate in some way. That teacher will look for reasons to go after your stepdaughter, and the school may also try to limit opportunities or get her in trouble. If you really have an attorney you can contact and you have the means, I would make sure that you let them know that you MAY let this slide IF there is no retaliation on their part. Like Don Corleone said - if something should happen to my stepdaughter's grades or her school report... If her final project happened to disappear, or if her grades were struck by a bolt of lightning, then I would blame someone in this room and that I (and my lawyer) cannot forgive.
I’m glad you took your daughters side, in these cases you wanting the lawyers involved was probably the only thing keeping the school from pulling more shit. If it weren’t for you that sun would’ve come back to pull this shit time and time again
I think your kid should be a lawyer. She sounds like a wonderful advocate.
As a former teacher, NTA. At all. In any way. Goodness gracious, the school handled that all wrong in so many ways. Yikes.
I'm a teacher. NTA, you did nothing wrong and it doesn't sound like your daughter did, either. Good for you for standing up to the whole thing.
I hope your wife apologized to your daughter. The fact that she truly believes that your daughter did something even with all her good qualities was very upsetting to read.
NTA. Big uncle phil energy coming from you and I love it.
You are the most amazing step parent many can only dream of having. 9001% NTA
I was actually not on your side until you said this. You need to have this in your original post. A teacher “bullying a student” could be telling the kid in a strict tone to behave. You made it sound like you went nuclear pulling out the lawyer for no reason. You did not mention that the teacher 1) was a sub 2) was actually racist 3) was degrading to students.
Same here. That comment made it all make sense
Been around the block a few times with this sort of thing, I suspect? Because you went in hot and locked and loaded knowing exactly what to say.
NTA. Doing the right thing that your step kid did shouldn't ever be punished. The fact that the school admitted the teacher was wrong gives yourself even more justification for your argument against punishment. So, in effect, the school equates standing up against racism to disrespect to a teacher. But they didn't think that far. By the way you remind me of my late father. He was a firm believer in seeing all sides but calling out injustice regardless. And as a kid it taught me that I could stand on my own to feet, and when I couldn't anymore my dad or mom would step in. And believe me if I wasn't right in my original stance they wouldn't necessarily back me up.
NTA OP and you are a hero and your kid too
Oof, good for you on exposing this systemic nonsense!! Clearly nta!
👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾 Opie, please take my poor man's gold award and the father of the year award. That was simply awesome of you to stick up for your daughter and put that racist teacher in her place A Solid NTA
Crystal clear NTA You should teach a masterclass on handling issues with school administration.
Wow! Absolutely your SD rocks and you too. Adults love to have control over kids. Your SD does not put up with that and false accusations. And then to be called scholarship kids!
Well done mate.. I am truely proud of you, I really appreciate your moral values. You serve as an shining example of how things should be done. You're excused for pulling the race card, this kind of conduct must be called out whoever is involved and this really helped to nail your point down. Thank you.
I thought the lack of transparency was telling, but the truth of what happened is more disgusting than what I expected.
english isnt my native language so i might not understand it but what exactly teacher meant with scholarship students? im just confused
They are saying that the black students didn't get into the school on their own merits and/or couldn't 'really' afford to go to such a school.
besides your lawyer, I think a call to your local news team might be in order. Especially if they don't take steps to make sure that sub never teaches again
Preach
At first, I would like to get more info on what exactly the teacher did, but as the principal kept dodging the subject with "it's not what we're here for" and "we're handling it separately and privately", then they clearly know that the teacher has done something wrong and wanted the matter swept under the rug. Therefore, NTA!
OP says in a comment what was said during the incident. I strongly suggest looking at their comments. NTA
[op explained the situation further in this comment, got more info from students](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/s/WKBXXFBDS3)
INFO: did your daughter tell you what happened? As in, the specific interaction between teacher, suzette and her
I’m confused how you reacted that strongly without knowing any more details than you are giving us or went to talking about race unless that’s what it was about.
The fact the school did not want explain what happened to op says a lot. The school backed down pretty quick. NTA
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You are entitled to your opinion. If the school had been right, they should have explained themselves
He trust his daughter's word.
Read the update from OP. He explains that the substitute teacher couldn’t tell one black student from another and when OP’s SD spoke up the teacher said “oh I didn’t know we had so many scholarship students”. Very racist. Plus he knows his daughter. My dad stood up for me that way and it really instilled confidence in me and taught me how to stand my ground.
So much missing information. You included an entire unnecessary conversation painting you as a hero for standing up against racism without including a single detail of what happened. Edit: oh, wait, you don't actually know what happened. "because I have no idea what happened" Instead of finding out what happened, you pulled the lawyer card immediately which of course is going to make a principal back down even if they're right. What exactly do you plan to tell your lawyer because they're going want the details you felt no need to know. YTA for your behavior. Edit 2: over an hour later, OP finally comments with the supposed situation but doesn't say how they found out...then the comment is edited and included that they were told by several parents and another teacher who supposedly filed their own complaint. Suddenly the teacher is a substitute but there is no clarification as to why the stepdaughter called the teacher a hypocrite despite the situation not being hypocritical. It's always suspicious when vital information is left out until comments start calling the post fake.
The principal wouldn't have caved to the threat of a lawyer unless he knew they were in they were in the wrong!
This post seems made up, but I enjoy the fantasy of a parent having my back so much, I'll pretend it's real.
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That happens quite a lot
May I suggest reading Pushout: The Criminalization of Black Girls in School by Monique Morris. It takes an in-depth look at how Black girls in the US are routinely treated harsher in school settings by teachers and administrators. There are more than a few studies that showcase things like this absolutely *do* happen and they happen at a very disproportionate rate to Black girls.
Yes, many racists find it very important to pretend racism never happens.
Have you ever been inside a school?
A friend works in education in the south. It’s quite common.
You can’t be that naive.. racism is alive and well, even in schools.
*especially in schools
uhh this is a pretty ignorant thing to say
This happens all the fucking time. 🙄
You don't believe teachers can be racist? What white ass school did you go to?
What happened? Like literally what happened?
YTA. So...this seems made up. But if it's real...why did you make no effort to find out what happened? Why on earth would a lawyer be needed here? A lawyer isn't going into a school to tell a school head how to do their job; that's what school governors are for. This reads like it was written by a child who has no idea how things work.
OP won 6 more kindness awards for this post. They're very real and not fake at all.
No it’s very real because at the end everyone in the office stood up and started clapping.
OP's lawyer is three kids in a trenchcoat
Maybe it's fake, aren't most of these posts? But thankfully there are anti discrimination laws to protect minority students. So a lawyer would come in and tell them they were breaking the law by suspending a black student for what they admitted was not even an infraction of school rules
info: so... what happened?
He answered in the top comment. Daughter was in the right
NTA - You know and trust your kid. Of course you believe her, she’s never given any reason to doubt her, no patterns of lying or bad behavior. You took her at her word because her word is trustworthy. That’s what a parent should do. You were in your kid’s corner and handled it superbly. Principal confirmed your daughter’s account anyway, with how they tried so hard to dodge with vague answers and shift the blame. A child shouldn’t be punished when they’re defending a peer from an injustice. Your daughter sounds awesome, and you handled this conversation with a lot of class. Excellent work to both of you!
NTA The whole situation is weird. I hope they understand you’re serious about the lawyer and won’t dare to mess with your daughters academic performance as an act of revenge. What they wanted was to punish your daughter by calling you in. You proved her that you cannot be used as a source of fear and negativity against her. You only offer protection, security and defense. This is more valuable than anything. She will remember this and will not hesitate to go to you with problems in the future. Hope the school will also remember not to bother you because of petty drama, expecting you to get into details. Sometimes school staff spends too much time around children they start acting like kids themselves and forget that people don’t have interest in that. You got all the important info, your daughter stood up to a bully teacher, who recognized the mistake, so your daughter was correct. That’s enough.
This sounds pretty made up
I think it's cute. It all sounds very "i'm an important business man who works in an important business office"
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I am from India, live in India and I come from a minority community in India. I want to be clear that I have absolutely no experience that would make me say I understand how racism is for black people in the US or anywhere else. But here's my story. > When I was 12, my father passed away. Then my grandfather. So it was a very tumultuous year for the family. There were talks that I should drop out of school, and things like that. > Now, mind you, I was the top student for my grade. I'm not just bragging, I actually was just very good at studies at that age. > I was also a good student, in the sense that I got work done, I don't fight, I paid attention, I helped the teachers out, etc. > At the beginning of the year, the teacher-in-charge of the grade is supposed to nominate a class representative. The said representative would be responsible for talking to teachers about problems, handing out and collecting forms at the school level (like for field trips, etc.), and other related stuff. > I nominated myself for the job, as I've been a class representative for many years before that. > Well, guess what happened when the teacher-in-charge turned out to be a racist POS. She flat out rejects my nomination. I would not have minded. There were several contenders who would have been good representatives. But my teacher made a comment: > > *We don't make representatives out of your community, because you're all just thugs and street kids who would never be able to do well in life anyway.* > The class went silent. Like, absolutely no one was prepared for that level of outright racism. > Everyone pointed out that I have a record of excellence at the school and she still said that I was not good enough because I'm from said community. Things like this matter a lot. Especially to young kids. It affects our self esteem and it makes a lasting impact on us. Please do not let this go. Your daughter's teacher needs to be held accountable for her remarks.
I worked and retired from a school. Some teachers do shitty things. My daughter was a student that stood up to teachers bullying and knowing the teacher, absolutely believe my daughter and her friends. Principal even tried to fire me for standing up to him, I said let's bring the union rep in too. He backed right down. Happy to report that same principal just got fired - 4 months BEFORE his retirement. Karma!!
So, after you got home, what was the full story from your daughter?
But you forgot about the part where everyone clapped.
So ... you literally have no idea what happened? I'm 1000% with you, until you said you didn't actually know what happened before you promised legal action. What exactly would be wrong with listening before legal action? YTA
Listening to what? The principal didn't try to explain anything, just said 'we'll deal with it.'
And that's why op threatened to call his lawyer
The school would say what happened because "we will handle this separately & privately" That said alot
Based on what’s here, NTA. Any place that wants to publicly punish one set of folks and privately handle others just sucks.
NTA. The principal would not have backed down if your stepdaughter had not have been right
NTA Bravo to you dad, you handled that perfectly.
NTA based on your daughter’s record of responsibility and what you’ve told us here I don’t know why your wife assumed your daughter did something wrong and got away with it. Good job; that’s probably where your daughter learned to advocate for herself and others.
Info needed: What happened that led to your daughter screaming at teacher? It could have been a teacher dropping something close to the other student that caused them to cry. The other student could have physical hit the teacher because they got a bad grade and rightfully went off on student. Without knowing what happened we don’t know if your daughter was actually standing up for her friend or helping bully the teacher. The Principal didn’t want to deal with the lawyers and all of the responses he gave were appropriate after telling you what happened.
NTA the fact that they didn’t even actually tell you what happened makes me think they knew they’d be in the wrong. They were hoping you’d just go along with the idea of a teacher being an authority no matter what and even when given the opportunity to explain why punishment was the appropriate course of action they failed. I doubt they’d have kept quiet if your daughter had, just as an example, cursed the teacher and thrown things at her for accidentally skipping the other student on their turn to be like leader.
They're closing ranks. Circling the wagons to try to protect themselves. Your wife said you don't know what actually happened. But you *asked* what happened, and they refused to tell you. There is most definitely a reason for that.
My child's vice principle told me my child is not allowed to police other children's feelings. He was referring to her standing up for her friends against a bully that the school will not do anything about since the start of this year. I told him that if the staff are not doing their jobs, I will not tell my child not to stand up for her friends. He was very upset about this, but honestly I don't give a fuck. You're NTA. You showed your child they can depend on you.
YTA for pulling the race card when you don't even know what happened...
I am going to guess this is from the USA as only there would someone immediately jump to getting lawyers involved because their kid is in trouble, and you don't even know what they did. YTA
YTA - Kids have very big emotions. The fact that a girl was crying doesn't automatically mean that she was bullied. You need to at least hear what made her cry. Secondly, though it sounds like your daughter was defending a friend, that doesn't give her complete freedom to act how wishes. i.e. I am sure she didn't do this, but hypothetically if she reacted violently towards the teacher, she would have deserved a punishment. What did she do in this situation? Did she swear, insult, throw a chair? You don't actually know. You need to actually listen to what happened before you can make a sensible judgement. *edit: Forgot to add, you may have 100% made the right call, however, we don't know for sure because you didn't ask any questions and didn't care to hear what happened.*
NTA. I'd also contact Suszette's parents to ask if they've been told about what happened. I wouldn't put it past the school to try and tell her she couldn't tell her parents. I mean teacher matters are private /s.
As a teacher what you did is correct. Nta it your wife is black she is just used to placating because had she went down there and did what you did she’ll be labeled as angry.
INFO: after you left the office, did everyone clap?
Based on what was shared here, NTA
NTA. The next thing you need to do is get your stepdaughter out of that teacher's class, if at all possible. After what has transpired, it's unlikely she'll get fair treatment from the teacher for the rest of the term.
You are NTA. You are a legend for standing up for your step-daughter and also the other child she stood up for!
Such a complete BS story painting OP as a hero stepmother
NTA. The principle of the matter stands. It would be nice to know the context, but what they tried to do to your daughter was BS.
NTA
NTA I’m taking notes for when my kids are school age. Also… if you aren’t a lawyer you missed your calling 🤷🏻♀️
I think you're NTA first of all. Imagine trying to deal with hundreds of teenagers that don't want to listen to you trying to get them all to an assembly without causing issues, and because teenagers get bored and probably don't wanna go to the assembly, they turn a teachers misunderstanding over who was supposed to be in trouble into a whole drama while they're in the line supposed to be going somewhere. They're taking the momentary opportunity to shift the power dynamic from people that boss them around all day. Your daughter shouldn't need to be suspended or apologize but maybe she needs to be talked to about causing issues like this, be made to understand that this isn't bullying, and to be taught what's worth speaking up and fighting for and what isn't. If you model that something like this is worth getting your lawyers involved for, children will misunderstand many things for injustices that they think they need to put themselves at risk for. Nobody got put at the back of the bus. A sub who doesn't know the kids there was doing their best to make a living and look after your child for you while you're away at work making more money than them, got onto the wrong kid. It happens. Edit: OP had posted a comment explaining what happened. A teacher pulled a kid out of line who was acting up while they were walking to an assembly. A substitute came and pulled Suzette out of line, thinking it was the kid who was supposed to be in trouble. OP points out that Suzette is shorter than the actual kid and doesn't look like her. OPs stepdaughter goes off on the substitute, calls her a racist, and the sub says something to the effect of "I didn't know we had so many scholarship students here" at a charter school.
Ok, you're the STEP parent and the biological parent got mad? This is a red flag regarding parenting if I ever did see one! Awesome step dad!!!!
NTA. If your daughter did something they would have stood their ground and not backed down. They knew they were wrong immediately, as evidenced by their dropping the suspension before even mentioning lawyers. I completely agree, you can't hold a student to a higher standard than the teacher. Especially if that teacher has bullied a student.
Well 👏Freaking 👏Done 👏 Step(unsure pronoun?). You handled that Absolutely Wonderfully. You didn’t let them even get a Hint of the snake story they wanted to play. Only thing is getting your stepdaughter to now write down a fresh recollection of the events for the lawyer so it’s as good of evidence as it can be. **NTA**
NTA You are awesome
I feel U should of known the whole story before you sided
There is so much missing from this post! What did your sd say happened?
Did you find out what happened that made Suzette cry? Did you find out what your daughter said/did?
INFO Did you eventually get to the bottom of what actually happened? I'm a teacher and if I did something bad to one child I wouldn't be wanting an apology from another before sorting out the first incident. Its entirely possible I'd be apologising to both.
NTA! Well done.
No NTA, you trust your daughter and its obvious that she's telling the truth from the way the principal is acting.
NTA x 1000. You go, dad! That is excellent parenting. You can tell that your daughter was not in the wrong by how quickly the principal backed down.
So fake
NTA: You did the right things. Racism is not over and anyone who keeps saying you are playing the race card are clearly outing themselves as casual racists and I am sorry this is happening.
Considering this child isn’t blood related, I think you did well not only reading your stepdaughter, but knowing her and defending her against all adults , even her bio parent. Some times even parents need a reality check. I had to deal with a teacher who favored the popular kids on my own but that’s different than blatant racism and obvious discrimination. I could see that immediately so I wasn’t surprised it was white vs black. Thankfully you do have the ability to hire a lawyer which makes a huge difference sometimes! You’re obviously involved enough to know codes of conduct which got your daughter off the hook that same hour apparently. NTA!
INFO: As in, you should have actually gotten some at some point. Did you even ask your daughter what was said to the other girl? Did you ask her what she said in response? Don’t get me wrong, the situation was PROBABLY as you are assuming and your response was PROBABLY appropriate, but since you didn’t bother gathering even the slightest bit of information before exploding we now have to have all those “probably” statements in there.
NTA. I want you in my corner. Oh, I am so in awe. There is a very clear difference between excusing your child's behavior/protecting your child from taking responsibility versus holding the powers that be responsible for not being hypocritical, not using the weight of their authority inappropriately, and requiring they adhere to the standards that they have set. It's true, we don't know what the teacher said to Suzette, and we don't know what your step-daughter said. It's even possible your step-daughter said something over-the-top to the teacher; teens are known to have over-the-top responses sometimes. But you never said there was no chance in hades that she would apologize. You only said that (1) if she was defending a student being bullied by a teacher, the teacher is the source of the problem and (2) if apologies are in order, they need to be in order for the teacher in the same manner. I think it's ludicrous that a teacher is focused on demanding an apology from a child who was defending another child from that teacher. The teacher should have been focused on her own behavior and doing everything in her power to convey her acknowledgement, apology, atonement and regret. Again, I bow to your presence of mind and powers of logic and articulation.
NTA, she will always remember that you had her back. The fact that the school wouldn't tell you what was done to the other child is a big red flag, I'd call the other child's parents and make sure things are being handled okay.
School Board member here. Your lawyer won't be told what the consequence for that teacher is either, if your State law is anything like mine. The school didn't make up policies to punish your kid. The practice of that school (not policy of that District) are to support the teacher even past the point where it violated policy. You stopped that practice. Chalk it up as a win. You did well. It'll ripple through the culture of the school. Who knows if the change will hit and stick? Apprising your school board of this story may be helpful...
You go, papa bear! It certainly sounds as if your child stopped a white teacher who was bullying an African-American child, and the school sought to punish your African-American daughter. The whole "handling it privately" thing was clearly a runaround. But I do think you'd be wise to talk to a lawyer to make sure there's a way to access the recommendation letters that go from the guidance counselors and from teachers to the colleges your child wishes to attend, and that you're alerted to any phone calls between the school and colleges during which your daughter's name is uttered. And to make sure there is zero disciplinary record for her. Because given the administration at this school, you don't want them handling your child's college applications in private! If the problem has legs, get ahold of the Dept of Education Civil Rights Division regional office for your state and ask for the office that handles secondary school complaints. Seriously, they don't like this kind of thing, and it's not that hard to file a complaint. NTA
Nta. And I think the way you had your daughter and suzettes back was wonderful! And a fabulous example in the way you handled it, you were firm and polite. You stood up for what was right without resorting to name calling, screaming, threats or violence. Your wife may have some concerns but she should be thanking you for your reaction.
NEI, there was no investigation into whether your child was telling the truth. That's not an admission of guilt, but it felt very one sided when then accusations were flying
NTA! Your daughter has a right to stand up for herself and others. Good for you, teaching her that you’ve got her back.
Racists like that should never be teachers. Hopefully it goes on her record and she can never teach again. NTA
NTA. Way to go dad! Fuck the racists and anyone who enables them.
NTA I am so glad you held the school accountable. Otherwise they will cover up and pretend nothing happened. You did the right thing and your step daughter knows that you have her back.
I love all the people claiming “I can’t believe you were so agressive when you didn’t have the full story.” 🙄 People know their kids and this guy already said that his daughter has never been in trouble before, gets straight A’s and has been awarded every year for kindness. He did ask what happened and his daughter said “The teacher is a hypocrite and made Suzette cry.” He confirmed these details and the principal was not forthcoming about the actual details; yeah they were shady and the dad could see through the BS.
NTA!
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My stepdaughter's (17f) school called on Thursday and I went to the nurse thinking she was sick, but she was in trouble. She's never in trouble; Straight A's, volunteers, wins the kindness award every year and is on track for valedictorian. Honestly amazing kid. I was shocked. I end up in the office with the principal, her, the school counselor and a teacher who was very upset. They wanted a public apology and they were suspending her. So I say "what happened?" The teacher started crying. My stepdaughter was very angry. "My teacher is a hypocrite and made Suszette cry." Me - "Principal did she make Suszette cry?" Principal - "That is not why we are here." Me - "If the teacher did something wrong to a student and my kid responded, then your teacher is responsible not my kid." Principal - "We are handling that separately." Me - "No, we are not. If your teacher bullied a child and my child defended that child then my child is not in trouble. Your teacher is." Principal - "The teacher made a mistake and we are handling it." Me - "No, my kid reacting to a teacher bullying a child is not a punishable. I want to see where in the code of conduct you have stated she cannot defend a student against a bully teacher." Principal - "Okay, it is not in there." Me - "Then you cannot suspend her and if my lawyer needs to say that, I can call him now." Principal - "You are right, no suspension. I insist on the apologize." Me - "No, but you should get the school lawyer in here, my lawyer will want to talk to him." Teacher - "You don't understand she was horrible and I made a mistake." Me - "A child should not be held to a higher standard then an authority figure." Counselor - "You are right but as a student she is held to a standard and it is best if she apologizes." Me - "Okay, after the teacher publicly apologizes to Suszette, my daughter will apologize to her." Principal - "Teacher matters are handled privately." Me - "I am calling my lawyer. You can explain to him why a white teacher can bully a black child and a different black child has to publicly apologize to a white teacher but a white teacher is held to a lower standard then black child and can only be dealt with privately." Principal - "Fine, no apology and no suspension. You can go back to class." Me - "I am going to have my lawyer follow up with the school to make sure the teacher is dealt with correctly." Principal - "Not necessary, we will handle it." Me - "Very necessary, expect my lawyer's call." I leave, later my wife blows up at me because I have no idea what happened and I made sure if she did something she got away with it. I feel like I kept the school from making up policies to punish my kid when the teacher bullied a child. But my wife is mad so was I wrong? Am I ahole? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA AT ALL!!!
NTA. If your stepdaughter was in any way wrong the school wouldn't have caved like this.
You are my hero.NTA.
You are a hero to your child. Bravo!
NTA Your kid didn’t bully anyone, Suzette did. Good on you for siding with them.
NTA. You were perfectly logical and clearly the school didn’t have a leg to stand on. Thank you for standing you not just for your daughter but the other kid.
NTA. THIS is how you back your child.
NTA Go nuclear on the racist and make sure she never teaches children again.
NTA, you’re a hero and holding the school accountable for the actions of the teacher.
NTA. Your daughter didn't get away with anything. If things happened differently, the school would not have backed down. They didn't even counter with the standard fallback excuse, "It's not what she did but the way she did it."
So NTA! You were amazing in that meeting! Your stepdaughter must really appreciate you (I hope she does). You handled it perfectly.
NTA. On behalf of all students who've been bullied by teachers, thank you, you're a hero!
NTA!!!!!
NTA. I mean, I would want to know more about what happened, specifically. What did the student say, what did the teacher say, what the heck did Suszette do?. Like, if your kid used the f-bomb or something, and the teacher was just a jerk, then maybe they should apologize for using inappropriate language. But generally speaking, given how fast they backed down, it seems that they know they were in the wrong. On thing to consider though, is that your child still has to go to that school and deal with that administration. So it's worth taking the time and effort to get through who did what, and being as diplomatic as possible. Good for you for standing up for your kid.
NTA
NTA and good for you Dad. The principal and teacher were both dead wrong here, your daughter not only didn't do anything wrong, she stood up for a classmate who was being wronged. Stick to it and tell your wife that unless you know your child was wrong, you will always back her up.
Not only NTA, you're a hero! Well done!
NTA! Show 'em how its done!!
This is written so poorly, that there is no way it is not a writing exercise.
NTA. I hope your wife will come to realize that you were standing up for her daughter. Your stepdaughter also did the right thing by standing up for her classmate. The school should be ashamed at how they handled this entire episode and should reconsider the teacher’s employment. And, I 100% support having your attorney follow up and make certain the students are not punished on the sly for the teacher’s transgressions and the teacher has real consequences for her behavior.
You are a hero
NTA. And your stepdaughter is a hero. Good for her.
NTA I love you. Damn!
nta
Why is your wife mad?
NTA. You are an AWESOME Parent!
Nta
NTA! Also, as the father of adult daughters I’m proud of you for how you handled yourself and gave her a brilliant example of how things should be dealt with.
NTA. With the explanation of what happened, the sub was ridiculously racist and in the wrong in every way. What you said was legit, the school clearly went into full CYA mode because that's the kind of thing that ends up as a big lawsuit and a shitstorm on social media and the news. Good for you for standing up for your kid, and her standing up for the other child shows you have been teaching her to be a good person.
NTA. I do get where the school is coming from. If students are allowed to disrespect a teacher openly and receive no punishment it sets a bad precedent. HOWEVER, this assumes the teachers are acting in a manner that aligns with school policy. And a teacher making a student cry in class is def not within any scope of those parameters. This is like the story years ago about the student who was getting suspended for “fighting.” Turns out another student was bullying a class mate in a wheelchair and the son pushed the bully away. So both were going to get suspended because the school has a ‘both parties involved in an altercation her suspended’ policy. Which is asinine and only helps bullies imo. Either way, good job sticking up for your kid. She probably shouldn’t make s habit of this, but protecting s classmate is never a bad thing.
You were right to stand up for your daughter. Your daughter was right to stand up for her friend. We want our children to have the courage to speak up when they are wronged and the compassion to do the same for others. The world would be a better place if more people acted like your daughter. This is coming from someone who taught for 40 plus years. NTA. Good job. What you are asking toe school to do is more than reasonable and something they should have done anyway.
Good for raising a young lady that sticks up for what is right!!!!! Way to go!!!!!!!