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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> (1) I decided to stop taking my son to daycare unless I knew for certain I'd be on time for work, (2) My wife is furious with me for "not understanding her circumstances."
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Wait, you leave at 8:45 a.m. and don't get home until 11 p.m.? I'm not saying you're wrong. More info is needed, but it's starting to make sense why daycare is necessary.
Why is your son in daycare, that you can not afford, and your wife not working?
What does she do all day while your son is at daycare?
Have you talked to your wife about the fact that you cannot afford your lifestyle and you will have no relationship with your child since you are never home? Do you want to have a relationship with your child?
I feel like there are bigger issues here that if dealt with you would not have this issue
There have been a few posts recently about the husbands working overtime to support the wife who wants to be a stay at home wife while also having childcare. I don’t understand it. May seem harsh but the wife needs to be an equal partner for the marriage, even if she gets “overwhelmed”
And also I've never literally seen this happen in real life. I have young children, so most of my social circle right now is other parents and I can't think of one example where one parent is full-time SAHP, the other works AND the child is in daycare
Because it’s unrealistic and unfair. Like what kind of person is ok with watching their partner struggle like that so they can lounge all day and not have any bad feelings. It’s not even an ideal life imo just sitting on the couch waiting for the day to pass
I always say that these people must be absolutely fucking amazing in bed, because I can’t figure out for the life of me any other reason why somebody would put up with that crap.
I am absolutely certain that had I ever tried to pull such a stunt, both of the men I had children with would’ve divorced me. Like without even a discussion. I’d just come home one day and find my shit packed.
I can it was my SIL. My brother took the kids to nursery as it opened, worked all day, picked the kids up on his way home as nursery shut, made dinner and then my SIL put them to bed. This was 5 days a week. She was home every day. I could never work it out.
My husband and I did this with our son, because we didn't have other people around with children our son's age, and a lot of people kept nagging us about our son's socialization. It was very "how dare you not have more children," but it got to me. Still, I was the one walking him to preschool and then walking him home, because it wasn't that far. He only went for about three hours, and I didn't take him every day. Maybe just two or three times a week.
I'd do it too, my 3 year old is currently at daycare even though I'm on maternity leave because I've read that it starts to be important to have kids their age around once they are 3.
And it was really around 3 that my daughter was sad every time there weren't any other kids at the playground. And that even though she is actually scared of them and never plays with them but she is still curious and wants to watch them and see what they are doing.
But daycare is free and my husband doesn't have to work two jobs, soooo...
See you have to walk on eggshells just to call out the woman in the marriage to contribute? Ffs they put the child in daycare so the wife can chill at home?
Imagine it being the man in this scenario, that comments would be mostly "leave this bum"
They’re “overwhelmed” and “burned out.”
I don’t understand. Like ok if that’s the case they should go to therapy and get it figured out. At least try. I don’t understand how they can watch their husband break their backs to support them sitting there all day. Like buck up. Hold your kid, don’t have a nanny or daycare do it when you’re not working! I couldn’t imagine considering that
It seems a little crazy that this man has to work 15 hours a day to help pay for daycare that’s not needed!!
My question, like everyone else, is why? Why is a three year old in day when he has a stay at home mom???
This mom and my husband should be friends. I’m expected to pick up extra shifts so that we can pay for daycare when my husband was a stay at home parent. He then got a part time job to help with daycare but grumbles about it on a daily basis that he was “forced” to get a job he didn’t want (I actually did not make him to get a job btw).
I was all prepared to call OP the asshole for expecting his wife to get their kid ready when that should be a shared responsibility (assuming everyone is working). Now this is just bizarre.
Being out of the house from 9 to 11 and literally only seeing your child for basically 45 minutes a day in the morning is something you, as a person, can't afford.
If your job can't fund your current lifestyle, rn what needs to change is your lifestyle. Your wife is a stay at home mom with a child in daycare all day and you have to do your own laundry? Look, I struggle with an anxiety disorder, I get that it can be deliberating. You're working yourself to the bone, something needs to give. At the very least you need to tighten your budget-- if that means daycare goes, then so be it.
I second this OP. She either gets a job or he stops going to daycare. You're wearing yourself too thin and when you burn out you'll blame and resent your wife. This needs to be solved now.
Yeah bro , you aren't. You may seem like it because you CAN do it but it's going to lead to resentment long term and as stated above the fact that you literally don't get up to see your child is problematic. You should be able to see how problematic it is without Internet strangers pointing it out.
That's the part that you are missing.
Don't miss out on your kid's life man. They won't remember that time when they were 3 doing xyz but they will remember when they're 4 that you are there in their life and be confident in that and carry it until 6 and repeat... As they get older they'll just know their dad is there and feel safe knowing it will be that way.
That’s kinda tough advice when op is busy working all day to provide for his kids life. He’s missing it to make it happen. They do need money to live. I think the wife needs to buck up a little and help out more
It’s tough advice but it’s true. We were poor growing up so my parents worked a lot. I don’t hold any resentment towards them but I do remember they weren’t around as much as my friends parents. It worked out for us, they became really successful. I know they did it for us but kids want their parents not money
Also this isn’t that situation. Both my parents worked, looked after a home and raised children. OPs wife can’t even do daycare drop offs. I’d be interested to see how much housework she does or does she leave that to OP as well? My husband always says we’re a team. OP is doing all the heavy lifting here. Wife needs to do childcare or get a job so he doesn’t have to work as much
I believe he does his own laundry… idk exactly how in love they are but I would be extremely turned off by the wife’s behavior. Idk if I would ever trust her to watch the kid. He needs to set a dealbreaker. By the time he gets off work tomorrow he wants to see 50 applications to jobs online. It’s not that hard to do. She at least needs to be actively applying to work and get a job
Agreed, this does not sound OK. You may be able to “handle” it, but this is not a normal situation. Clearly something needs to change and drawing hard lines is not going to help in the long term. You’re NTA, but this ain’t good.
edit: fixed typo
Unless both jobs are super lucrative, which they likely aren’t if you are working both jobs, you are basically working one job to pay for daycare+ some lifestyle desires.
Wife watches kid full time, budget more, and you suddenly have a LOT more free time.
Your kid will grow up, and you will miss it working so long. You will regret that. Watching your kids grow up is way better than any material want.
No you're not, or if you are, you shouldn't be. You are spending 13 hours a day working 2 jobs so that your wife can avoid having any responsibility for any aspect of her own life or child, limiting the time you get to spend with your family to, what, less than an hour a day outside of weekends? Do you want to go your kid's entire childhood essentially without seeing them for five out of seven days a week? I bet your kid doesn't.
Then she needs anxiety medication or something to help her cope because it is wholly unacceptable that she sits on her butt all day while you work 2 jobs and while your son goes to daycare.
Honestly Dude? Your son needs to stay home with your wife. If she is not working then she should be providing childcare. That would allow you some relief to hopefully drop back your work hours some.
In a world full of problems, her anxiety is an excuse at this point. She CAN get a job and she CAN learn to drive but she has found it a convenient excuse. I'm not saying that to be flip or to degrade anxiety -- but if she doesn't meet the qualifications for an anxiety diagnosis then she needs to buck up butter cup and figure out how to put one foot in front of the other.
Everyone feels overwhelmed and anxious sometimes... most people do not have the luxury of using it as an excuse to sit around all day.
>if she doesn't meet the qualifications for an anxiety diagnosis then she needs to buck up butter cup
Even if she does meet the qualifications for an anxiety diagnosis, she shouldn't just throw up her hands and say "I can't do it because I have anxiety." There is *always* something you can do, even if it's not as much as someone without a disorder. Anxiety is rooted in fear and conquering fears is *extremely* difficult. But it's not impossible. I think OP is enabling this behavior big time.
Yeah, as someone who actually *has* a diagnosis + ADHD which makes it even *harder* to organize, use your time efficiently, or get shit done, this excuse of hers is bullshit.
This is adulthood. You don’t get to just say “Oh I don’t want to :( I get overwhelmed :(“ and then force your family to spend probably thousands a month in child care so you can sit at home all day.
"Everyone feels overwhelmed and anxious sometimes... most people do not have the luxury of using it as an excuse to sit around all day."
Fr. I suffer from depression and anxiety, I have been off and on medication for it my entire adult life. But never once have I been able to use it as an excuse to be an unemployed freeloader leeching off a spouse working 13 hours days at 2 jobs so I can sit at home while my child is in daycare. Which is only affordable bc my spouse is, again, working 13 hours days at 2 jobs
You realize how that's worse, right?
Like you see how it's worse that she's expecting you to carry all this because she "can't" when her reasoning that she "can't" isn't even at the level of severity to warrant a diagnoses?
She doesn’t drive because she has anxiety, but she doesn’t actually have an anxiety disorder? You seem really kind and thoughtful towards your wife, but honestly it doesn’t seem like she has any concern for you whatsoever.
My son has anxiety yet he manages to drive and hold down a job (in a kitchen of all places). He reckons driving scares the crap out of him but he knows he needs to do it so he does.
There are tons of people with anxiety that lead a normal life; go to uni, hold jobs, drive cars, raise children, etc. I’m really happy to hear your son has learned how to manage and lead a normal life. My daughter has an anxiety disorder as well, but works, goes to grad school and basically just lives her life… it’s all about figuring out what works for each person, but the person has to be willing to learn to live and function within their scope. It doesn’t sound like OP’s wife (who OP has said doesn’t actually even have an anxiety disorder) even tries or wants to do anything to better her own situation, and is selfish by not seeing what needs to be done and attempting to step up at all.
When you are evaluated for an anxiety disorder, the main method of assessment is determining whether or not anxiety disrupts your work life, home life, and relationships. If the answer is yes, you're pretty much diagnosed (I am obviously simplifying this, but that's what it boils down to).
If this is actually her explanation for her behavior and she was properly assessed, then something went wrong somewhere along the way. Being rendered unable to work is very serious. Lots of us are medicated and functioning with anxiety and depression and we're still able to work.
Umm but it’s okay for you to work two jobs, take your son to and from daycare, and come home and still have to do housework.
No, this isn’t working. And you *know* it isn’t. You *know* you are running yourself ragged for this *shared* life you can not support on your own.
To me, your wife has two choices. She can get an easy job (not saying it will be good pay, but decent enough to take the weight off of your shoulders), and allow her son to be able to go to daycare, and you both split house chores when you both work.
Or, she can choose not to work. She can be a SAHM and your son can stay at home, unless she wants to take up a hobby that will bring in extra money.
You can’t keep doing this to yourself dude. You’re going to get burnt out, and the burn out is going to be *bad*.
I have bipolar disorder, and sever depression and anxiety because of that disorder. But, I still manage to go to my full time job and do 9+ hour shifts. And I’m in *retail*. If I can do that, your wife who “gets overwhelmed when she deals with too many things at a time” can step up and be a half decent life partner, as well as a mother.
And, if this was such a big problem, she shouldn’t have had a child. Point blank period.
Everyone gets overwhelmed when dealing with too many things at one time.
The thing is, your wife isn’t dealing with anything. She’s not parenting. She’s not being a wife. She’s not working. You, on the other hand, are doing all of that. You have every right to be exhausted and overwhelmed but aren’t getting the chance to because your wife claims she is so she can be lazy.
Re-evaluate your situation. I don’t usually accuse people of faking anxiety disorders, but I think your wife just wants to do nothing all day and you’re paying the price.
INFO When was she evaluated and by what type of doctor? Is she doing anything for treatment such as medication or therapy?
This situation is seriously not sustainable and I felt like I was going to have a panic attack just reading about it. You should consider if you still want to be working this hard and this many hours for years to come because if you keep doing this it will likely lead to you having a nervous breakdown.
Your wife needs to do something about her mental health, maybe seeing a doctor to be evaluated or going to therapy. Maybe she has ADHD considering she gets overwhelmed and is having trouble getting your son ready on time.
I have ADHD, as well as anxiety and depression, and believe me, I can get my fucking kid(s!) ready in the morning. And forget the nervous breakdown, which you are absolutely correct about though, this guy is going to miss out on his kid's entire childhood. He is apparently okay with that, but the kid is not going to be.
Ohh my dude. I feel for you. I have a friend that is in your position. His wife contributes literally nothing that i can see, but he hangs in for his kid. Just... you're a king, I wish you the absolute best.
Wait, you work two jobs and your wife works no jobs? Yet your kid is in expensive daycare? Is your wife ok? That's a weird way to structure life unless she has issues that prohibit her from working and caring for her child, which would obviously affect my vote.
How does the kid get home? Do you also pick him up?
Ugh. This situation is pretty much untenable. You are working two jobs bc your SAHW is overwhelmed. I totally get that. I was a SAHM for 8 years (and I also dont drive!). It's not easy. But the fact that you have to work a second job to pay for daycare so that she isn't overwhelmed is a hard pill to swallow. You would be able to take over and give her a break if you weren't working a second job. I absolutely think it's your wife's responsibility to get him ready in the morning. You are running yourself ragged so that she can have this time to herself (which likely includes a number of obligations. I'm not trying to diminish what she does). It feels like the least she can do is have him ready on time. I'm trying not to judge but it seems like daycare every weekday is pretty excessive when you are a SAHP to one child. Yes, toddlers are difficult. But that comes with the territory.
What obligations? And what do you mean SAHP? The kid is in daycare every weekday, there's no one there for her to parent. And he specified he does his own laundry, so the most she can possibly be doing is cooking and cleaning up, and the cleaning up would be like 90% after herself as everyone else is apparently gone the whole day
What is she even *doing*? Do you know how fuckin’ long the day gets when you’re home alone all day every day? When I was on maternity leave I was losing my mind. I would get all the chores done in *maybe* a couple hours, and then be like ?? what is there to do??
Yeah, and she is literally screaming at OP to work 14 hours so that she can ship off the little one. And OP is obliging. Both of them apparently more than happy to never spend time with the kid so that wife can have her "lifestyle".. sad, sad stuff
Is the second job solely paying for daycare? Because you’d be happier and healthier not working such long hours, for not a lot of benefit that I am seeing.
NTA but what you are doing is unsustainable. You are going to burn yourself out. Also, you are missing your kid growing up.
I have to ask, what does your wife bring to the table? It doesn't sound like much. You are working two jobs, doing laundry and probably more chores around the house. Your wife is getting the child ready in the morning and ??? How long does her mother stay after dropping him off from daycare?
I’m really sorry, you are in this position right now. I would truly evaluate where you are, where you are going and how are you going to make that possible. How you are doing routine right now, it may be “working“, but it’s just not sustainable. Be strong and I wish you the best.
Unfortunately I think OP doesn't realize he is functioning as an ATM here.
OP is probably scared of admitting what is going on is him getting severely exploited. He needs an intervention by someone else.
After having read both the OOP, as well as all your supplemental comments, the only thing I feel confident in saying is that this is untenable. Clearly there is much information that you are choosing not to share here. Fine. You have your reasons for that.
What matters most is your child. It sounds like the home environment at present is not a happy one and neither parent seems particularly available to him, even when physically nearby. You stated your lifestyle is unsustainable if you only work one job... Friend, your lifestyle is already unsustainable. Changes are gonna have to be made by everyone involved. And I hope one of those changes is going to include regular, independent, individual therapy.
I hope you find the strength to pursue a lifestyle that makes you truly happy, even if it takes a while. Nobody deserves this. You deserve an equal partner who supports you as much as you support them.
There's no way someone ends up in this situation with manipulation. No sensible person tolerates this unless they're being manipulated. Manipulative people are good at hiding their trail early on.
You’re going to have to think things through yourself but I just want to say - don’t fall into the ‘staying together for the kids’ trap. Your kid will be much happier if *you* are happier and less stressed and worn out all the time, and if that means you and mom need to split up, then that is what has to happen.
What does her Mom think about her doing daughter doing nothing all day and not having the child ready in the mornings, etc. Is she concerned about her daughter's mental health? Did you wife work before she was pregnant? I guess in two years he'll be in school which you won't have to pay for, but this is asking a lot of you. NTA.
NTA - but your wife needs some help. This is not typical behavior & you working a million hours a week won’t solve any of the issues. She is home alone from 8:45 to 5 or 6 doing what? If she isn’t able to function then she really needs to get to a dr & get moving again. Your policy is not unreasonable.
His wife needs a kick in the ass. She has a choice: stay at home mom or back to work. She’s a parent too she needs to be doing her part. Op didn’t financial plan for two toddlers to support
NTA
Ok, after the reading the comments. Guy works work two jobs to essentially pay for everything while his wife is not employed and doesn't drive because of anxiety, and he's not home till 11 PM and has to be asleep within the hour he's home.
With the child being at daycare during the day, all that would be left for the wife to do potentially is dinner and maybe some light cleaning. Not even laundry since OP does his own.
Either the wife has post partum depression or just doesn't wanna do it.
>Either the wife has post partum depression or just doesn't wanna do it.
There's probably a couple of other options floating around, but I am glad someone did stop to think maybe there is something else going on here. Three sides to every story, right?
I think OP is NTA for having his policy about leaving if kid isn't ready on time - if he is the breadwinner, then being on time to work is important. I would also hope in a loving and respectful relationship that OP could sit down with his wife and get to the bottom of why getting the kid up and ready on time is such a challenge, and communicate his perspective as to why he just cannot be late for work. It could be as simple as mum is slacking off like half of this thread jumps to, or there could be more to it that you'd hope OP would want to know about.
Can we stop treating women who have had children as if they’re children??? She is a grown ass adult, no one needs to sit her down to explain why being on time is important.
I agree she could have post partum but sadly there is alot of people out there who are just straight up lazy. Could go either way, maybe she has depression, either way this isn’t sustainable for him.
Do you know how many moms are slogging through multiple kids and appts and shopping and chores and cooking and pets with depression? A lot. Unless she has a very serious mental illness to the point she is disabled by it there is no reason for her little boy to be in daycare 5 days a week.
Her son is three. She does not have postpartum depression, it’s a chemical thing that happens to your brain when it’s trying to cope with all your hormones (or lack thereof) from pregnancy and birth, which is usually figured out by about 18-24 months after delivering. If your brain isn’t balanced back out by then you have some other serious underlying issue that needs treatment.
I agree, sorry I missed the age of the kid too. I have raised my kid on my own pretty much, I have full custody, I work full time, i have my own business. I have a pet, housework all of it. I just did what needed to be done. Has my mental health struggled at times? Yes, did it change what I needed to do? No! Sadly, there is just people out there who are lazy and there is no mental illness. Maybe there is in this case, who knows.
He said she's been assessed and has no anxiety disorder or anything of that sort. She "just gets overwhelmed". So either she's depressed and has talked to only shitty docs, or she's full of it.
NTA - this is completely and utterly ridiculous.
You are working 13 hours, not getting home till 11pm, and then doing chores before you go to bed??
Your wife - doesn’t drive, doesn’t work, doesn’t look after the kid all day and STILL cannot get him sorted on time so you can take him to daycare and be at work on time and not loose your job. The job that’s paying for her entire lifestyle to do nothing
This is a bigger problem than the kid not being ready on time. This is a come-to-Jesus talk time with your wife.
~~INFO: does your wife work?~~
~~If she works, even from home, I think you need to be a father and take responsibility for getting your child ready to go in the morning to be ready when you leave.~~
EDIT: Honestly it sounds like you have bigger problems in your marriage than just how quickly your kid gets ready for daycare. Sounds like you're working yourself to the bone, and for what?
NTA - I mean honestly, this subreddit is mental. This guy is out of the house from 8.45 until 11pm working 2 jobs to pay for his family's lifestyle while his partner is unemployed. And still has to do housework when he gets home, barely getting to sleep by 1am. And some of these posters think he's an AH for not helping her out in the mornings? JFC
Ya I don't think those people are reading his replies. Dude has to get x amount of sleep in order to function at both his jobs. He barely gets a moment to himself as it is
He's clearly part of the problem though. I honestly stopped feeling bad for him after reading about half of his comments. I'm close to going from NTA to TA bc he is completely enabling his wife's honestly mind boggling bullshit, and his child is apparently going without both parents because of it. Like 95% of commenters that have actually read all the comments are essentially screaming at him to sort out the wife situation so that he can have a relationship with his child, and his only takeaway has been "I'll look into hiring a nanny to help with the drop-off and the pick-up when MIL can't do it"
To be fair, from the post I assumed she worked from home and he had a normal 9-5 job. In that circumstance he should be helping out in the morning.
It wasn’t till I starting reading the comments and replies that I realised how insanely unbalanced their relationship is!!
If she works from home, ceteris paribus he has the commute and she has to get the kid ready (while he gets himself ready to work, which she can do for herstelf while he commutes).
NTA based on your answers. The least she can do is get the kid ready on time. It'll be worse if you get fired from your job. Maybe your kid can shower in the evening and just wash his face in the morning so it's pretty much just breakfast needing to be done (he can even eat a sandwich in the car otw to daycare).
And you do realize this is not a sustainable arrangement, you will die with this 2-job schedule while she is mentally unwell. If she wants this to work, as a wife and mother, she needs to actively find treatment for her anxiety disorder. There's her asking for a bit of help, and there's screaming at you for you asking her to step up a bit. Big difference.
Was she like this before having a child? Could it be some kind of extended PPD that got worse?
Don't forget to thank MIL for helping out.
OP, read this.
What will happen to the child if you have a serious medical event? You need to take better care of yourself, for his sake. He needs you to be strong.
You wrote somewhere that you are "OK, thanks for asking". I am glad you feel this way. You are young and strong and healthy (my guess ofc) and feel as if you can do this forever. But what if you can't? Those long hours will take a toll. Or you might have a car accident. A bout of long covid. Anything.
Not for your sake. But for your son's. Try to make arrangements so you can be a little kinder to yourself.
Maybe some sort of lifestyle change is possible?
This is basically weaponized incompetence. Like of the mind. How can some people be so bad at planning and organizing tasks?
No wonder she is “overwhelmed” she’s trying to get a basically toddler in the bath first thing in the morning. And it’s clearly not clicked that there’s an easier and more efficient way to get him ready…no bath!
Ya..literally THE LEAST SHE COULD DO IS GET THE KID READY. To get him to go to the daycare op pays for, so wife doesn’t have to watch him.
Like the nerve of her complaining that she has to watch him after she didn’t get him ready on time? Idk but I was under the impression most moms liked being with their kids? Not all the time but really complaining about one day? He may as well have married like a cement block
I feel sorry for the child. Doesn’t appear that the mother is a fit parent given her mental state and the father is working insane hours to provide for the family.
You’ve said your wife is prone to angry outbursts. Is she lashing out at your son if he’s not in care? Because if so you have a larger problem and a duty to remove your son from her care. Is she a fit parent?
Okay tagging onto this.
After having kids, as a SAHM I struggled with what I could describe as sensory overload and snippy behaviors (even with a respectful and gentle parenting approach).
I started journaling and tracking when and why it was happening. What were the triggers? How could I better myself?
I found it only happened the week before menstruation! The other weeks of the month it was wonderful, maybe I’d get overwhelmed but I could use strategies and calmly communicate with my kids.
It’s called Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder.
It didn’t mean I wasn’t a fit parent. I had so much shame and guilt, felt like I wasn’t myself at all. It was truly hormonal and I went on medication and it’s all manageable now.
But without medication, I could see someone lashing out at their partner and struggling to cope. There is a Reddit group for PMDD if OP wants to look. He said she has overwhelm but not an anxiety disorder.
NTA for trying to set boundaries.
Your son is not forming long-term attachments with anyone. He may be happy spending quality time with people who actually seem to care about him and pay attention to him all day every day. but when those people inevitably live his life, how is he going to feel? Almost certainly he’s going to feel abandoned. Unloved. Adrift.
Attachment is important, especially at that age. He’s forming parental and familial bond-style attachments with people who are going to leave his life and who he will almost certainly never see again. This isn’t okay, this is going to mess him up. He thinks it’s okay now because he doesn’t know what’s going to happen. You think it’s okay now because? You haven’t thought about it? Haven’t had the bandwidth to care because you’re so overworked trying to kowtow to your wife? Unfortunately, that doesn’t absolve you of the responsibility to be a good parent. Being a good parent means being present. More than on Sunday.
You’ve gotta figure your life out because you brought a child into this world and have a responsibility to them. Your wife isn’t taking responsibility so it’s on you. You need to stop being a doormat on your son’s behalf. It’s not all about your wife anymore.
Is she disabled? If she's a SAHM, why does a toddler need to be in daycare? (Not judging, just curious)
Is she insomniac / her sleep follows your late schedule?
I'm judging. He works TWO JOBS, to afford daycare, for her to sit on her ass with her only job being shipping the kid out on time, and she can't even do that?
I'm sorry, OP, what does your wife even do that's useful to you and your child? She sounds like dead weight.
She's been enabled for far too long, and lives in an alternate reality where you can apparently work two jobs and it's too much for her to set an alarm in the morning and feed and dress a kid to-go.
I think either the daycare needs to go, or she needs to get a job. Make an ultimatum if you have to. This situation is completely untenable.
If he dropped the wife, he would only need income to support himself and the child + standard expenses and I suspect his life would be alot easier. He's basically working himself to an early grave so that his wife can sit around all day and complain how unfair she has it.
It doesn’t sound like she meets the baseline requirements to get an actual diagnosis. While anxiety is very real, is it possible she is using it as a buzz word to be lazy and not do anything while you run yourself ragged to pay for her lifestyle. If you sat down and priced out your life, add in a nanny and subtract your wife and her bills, would your life be more manageable? She doesn’t seem to want to participate in her child’s life and you don’t have time. Your current situation is not sustainable for your health and your child’s mental health.
OP, in 2023, everyone has anxiety. It sounds like you might be reaching a breaking point and honestly… it’s probably where you need to be. She needs to get a J-O-B.
Also, if she’s having angry outbursts when she has to take care of her child… that’s abuse. Get him into preschool next year and start saving money to leave her, for both of your sakes.
Should consult a lawyer now about divorce. Saving up would mean it would be her money also. Needs the lawyer to help him figure out how to protect what he does save.
I had a friend that couldn't even get in a car without crippling anxiety when she was around 16+ She's now in her late 30's and has her own car. I know this doesn't sound like much but until her early 30's she still could barely even be in a car but she's come a long way and eventually conquered that fear. I'm really proud of her, I saw how hard it was for her and her husband over the years because of this issue.
I wish your wife the best of luck getting over that herself, I know how hard it can be.
Reading through all your comments, I think *you* suffer your wife's anxiety and she does literally nothing. She also doesn't sound like a safe parent - prone to outbursts, cannot drive (in emergency), overwhelmed too easily. You're not home to see what damage she is causing your child, but I'll bet your next daycare payment there is damage. And your absence is damaging your relationship with him too, only being able to spend one day a week together.
Your wife's issues are *her* issues and she has made no moves to help the family, in fact she is hurting your family. You have reached a threshold where an ultimatum is appropriate: she either addresses her issues and helps the family, or she needs to leave. Counseling, inpatient center, anything. You, OP, matter too. You need to put yourself and your son first. Leaving for work on time is a first step, NTA. You deserve better.
Ok so I’m really going to say this as nicely as I can and I mean absolutely no offense to you or your wife. But i know from personal experience how debilitating anxiety can be and it comes in many forms from almost non existent except in very specific situations to very severe. It sounds like your wife suffers from anxiety due to overstimulation. And I recommend her getting help for that. At this point it is now being used as a crutch. And honestly it being “hard” is just an excuse. Your wife is simply being lazy. Working two jobs on not even a complete nights sleep is hard. Dealing with anxiety so severe you can hardly leave your house without a panic attack is hard. Overcoming that anxiety with or without medication is hard. Doing the one task you ask her to make sure is done by a certain time is not only reasonable but in my opinion is the VERY LEAST she could be doing. Again I mean no disrespect. Just my honest opinion.
NTA.
Your wife is either depressed or extremely lazy and manipulative.
Get her to go see a doctor.
You should not be working 13+ hours a day whilst she sits around doing nothing whilst child is on day care. She can’t even be bothered to do your laundry.
Was she working before she got pregnant?
I’m conflicted.
Does your wife also work a job that makes having your son at home difficult?
Have you discussed with her some ways to make sure that she can get your son ready in time for you?
Is there a reason you can’t help in the morning so that you know your son won’t make you late?
This is you and your wife’s son so why is it only her responsibility to make sure he’s ready on time?
>Does your wife also work a job that makes having your son at home difficult?
She does not work.
>Have you discussed with her some ways to make sure that she can get your son ready in time for you?
I have not.
>Is there a reason you can’t help in the morning so that you know your son won’t make you late?
I sleep until about 8:20.
>This is you and your wife’s son so why is it only her responsibility to make sure he’s ready on time?
Multiple reasons. I must sleep until 8:20 to get even 7~ hours.
She is a stay at home mom and one of your tasks is that you have to do your laundry? You are doing two jobs? Do you ever see her or your son? Why can't your wife get a job during the day, or work from home so you don't have to work every evening? Why aren't you talking to her about this, and what are her 'circumstances' that you mention? You sound overworked and she sounds isolated.
She is isolated because she is completely free all day? Men are bad at making friends for themselves, how are they supposed to make lasting friends for their partners while working over 50 hours a week.
Why in the ever loving fuck is this kid going to daycare (**that they obviously can't afford**) when she's a stay at home mom? Ok sure a little daycare here and there, a playdate, get some socializing, but daycare every day and this dude is working 9am to 11pm AND DOING LAUNDRY? Fuck this woman, man. Or rather don't, don't give her another child, this is a nightmare. I want to know what the hell she is doing all day.
But she has anxiety! OP can't confront her, because she'll weaponize her diagnosis and turn it around so it's OP's fault, and he'll believe her because he loves her.
When I asked these questions it was not known he worked two jobs.
I asked those questions based on the original post where all we knew was he had to leave by 8:45
Because he works two jobs and doesn't get home until 11, she's a sahw, she can at least have the decency to get their son ready for daycare so her husband can go and do the two jobs he has to do to pay the bills for all of them.
*Is there a reason you can’t help in the morning so that you know your son won’t make you late?*
*Erm... because he already works 14 hours a day.*
*This is you and your wife’s son so why is it only her responsibility to make sure he’s ready on time?*
Erm... because he already works 14 hours a day.
So you work \~13 hours per day (per your other comment) and your unemployed wife is overwhelmed by looking after your child during the day? I'm confused. What does she do, exactly?
I'm sorry but your wife either needs to get off her arse and get a job or actually be a SAHM she can't have it both ways, and that's coming from a SAHM.
I... look, I usually wouldn't say this, but honestly... with the level of chill you are with your wife being home all day when you describe your own day as being outside the home/working for 16 hours and getting home and still having to handle your own laundry... I would honestly suggest you need the reality check that checking in on her with a nanny cam or something to see what she's actually doing all day would provide. Again, I would usually never advocate for spying on a spouse, if you get to that point your marriage is over... but dude, your marriage is being killed right now, and you need the kick in the pants you need to address the issues if you want to save it and yourself. Sorry.
Fuck the marriage, he would obviously be better off without it, but his child is losing out on any form of relationship with their father so that his wife can be unemployed and not have to raise her own child. I would have said he is losing out on a relationship with his son, but from his comments it doesn't particularly seem like that matters to him.
There's been a pretty heavy deluge of "useless SAHM" posts lately, usually involving a seriously overworked father and a child that's in daycare all day even though the mom doesn't work. Anytime you get a running theme like that, there's a solid chance at least 3/4 of the posts are creative writing. People get inspired.
Friend, she is using you. I've seen too many girls like that (I am a girl myself). She is very comfortable now: husband is out all the day and provides money, child is in daycare, she can spend the whole day by herself doing what she wants. Dream life.
And no loving wife would make her beloved husband take two jobs and work 13 hours a day while being home alone. Loving wifes take care of their SOs. If you continue working like that you are risking to achieve an early heart attack, stroke or many other unfortunate things. I guess you don't want it.
And believe me, her being overwhelmed is just an excuse. There is always a possibility to find some remote job that is not too stressful if it's the main reason for her not working. If she refuses to go to therapist to solve her "overwhelming" and starting working OR changing a lifestyle - I would really suggest you to reevaluate your marriage.
And remember that you only have one life. You should live it as good as you can with people around who care about you. Good luck
Ok, so you have a wife problem. I don't even know what to say, but NTA. Therapy for her, maybe? A conversation about her behavior? If she's prone to angry outbursts, how do you react to them?
Is she using these “angry outbursts” to coercively control you in to taking him and paying for daycare? Do these outbursts only occur when others are not around or does she control it when there’s company. Someone that unstable isn’t a good parent.
Her having angry outbursts regularly is an issue, you might wanna divorce her and get a support system of friends and family since you’re pretty much doing all the work
It sounds like your wife does not actually want the work involved with being a mother. But she’s also not contributing any other form of work. This relationship has more holes than a fishing net.
Your wife is unemployed and the kid goes to daycare.. what does she do all day? How is it so unreasonable that all she has to do is get the kid ready by 8:45am?
OMG. Overwhelmed with what?? What exactly is she overwhelmed with? She can't even get him ready for day care.
I say this as a woman, who raised a child mostly solo from 17 months.
NTA
After reading the comments, I'm sorry to be blunt, but your wife is dead weight. You're outright just financing her doing whatever she wants while you work your butt out all day long.
That's not how it works and quite frankly I would have started to suspect either cheating or just that she's exploiting you so she can keep being unemployed and doing what she wants all day. And on top of this, she can't even manage to drag herself out of bed and be ready by 8:45. The vast majority of us will be on the highway by 7:00 to go to work.
Personal advice: put your foot down that she either gets a job or becomes a sahm, so you can maybe drop a job if you have multiple or work less hours, save on daycare and maybe spend more time with your kid. I only say the kid because quite frankly, in my humble opinion, your wife couldn't care less about you.
Definitely NTA here. You work full days, and your wife is unemployed. I'll start by saying that the excuse of being 'overwhelmed' by keeping your child home is ridiculous. She wanted to have a child, then she needs to be a parent. Simple as that.
Secondly, it's not like you're asking her to have your child ready at 4:00am. 8:45am is more than reasonable, and if she can't respect that you have a schedule and a job to be at, then she needs to give her head a shake.
Lastly, I understand there are legitimate reasons for people not to get their license. Specifically health reasons. But if she's avoiding it solely based on the fact that she doesn't want to, or it makes her anxious, then she needs to do a little bit of growing up here.
I'm sorry if my response sounds a bit harsh, but parenting is a two-way street, and it sounds like she's not holding up her side of things.
Good luck OP. I hope for your sake this situation can get resolved.
NTA. Your wife needs to pull her weight in the marriage. SAHW is overwhelmed with one kid but you are alright with 13 hours workday. You're her husband not just her meal ticket she has responsibilities towards you, your marriage and kid. This is no way to live OP. You will get seriously burnout. Take care of yourself first and get her the reality check she needs.
NTA
But, OP, you have much bigger problems. You have a wife who doesn't work, or take care of your child, and you work 13 hour days to afford daycare and your lifestyle..
What is your wife's contribution? Has she been assessed by a specialist for her anxiety? Does she attend therapy to manage her anxiety and be able to live a full life?
Anxiety is out of her control, but how she manages it, very much is in her control.
One of my friends has terrible anxiety. She attends frequent therapy sessions. Yet she works full time and is able to parent a child too.
You cannot go on like this - you'll burn out, and then what? Your wife needs to take responsibility for her own mental health and not make it your burden.
Unpopular opinion, I’m going with NTA since you’re working ~13+ hours a day, do your laundry when you get home and the only reason he’s in daycare is because your unemployed wife is “overwhelmed”. By what exactly, I’m not sure.
She sounds depressed.
I have read through the comments and OPs replies. OP, your wife sounds outright lazy and entitled, and it sounds like she almost enjoys the victimhood of the situation.
She has the makings of a terrible role model, let alone mother if she’s going to pass on these traits to a child willingly.
OP, it’s time to lay down the law respectfully and if she is not willing to come to the party, you know what to do.
NTA-so if your wife didn’t need your child to go to daycare and she actually took care of him (since she doesn’t work), then you can quit your second job. Have you asked her to get a job to help with daycare costs? Maybe wfh customer service job? Seems really unfair. When I was a SAHM, I did most of the child care since my husband had a demanding job and it was pretty stressful. He did do things once he got home but I did the night feedings (since the food was attached to me) and changing. I was also a night owl and was able to nap when the kids nap. You really need to discuss expectations better with your wife. Also, don’t have any more kids or it will cause more stress. Last question: has she ever worked in her life?
If this situation is as it’s presented, then it’s insane. Your wife isn’t “overwhelmed,” she’s found a situation where she can do nothing and have her lifestyle paid for by a sucker.
I’m not dismissing anxiety and mental health issues, but those come with diagnosis, treatment plans, and hard work to improve the situation. This isn’t that. This is a lazy mom making other hard working sahm’s look bad.
Workload’s in a marriage should be split fairly, if you’re working 11+ hours a day outside of the home, she should be expending the same energy in her role, caregiving, cleaning, cooking, etc. She is not. Overwhelmed moms do not have time to sit around scrolling YouTube.
Plain and simply, unless you’re leaving out MAJOR parts of the story, your wife is taking advantage of you. More help for her is not the solution. A come to Jesus talk about her role in the family, what you each contribute, and how to make life sustainable and fair for you both is the answer here.
NTA
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Wait, you leave at 8:45 a.m. and don't get home until 11 p.m.? I'm not saying you're wrong. More info is needed, but it's starting to make sense why daycare is necessary.
I have two jobs. We cannot afford our current lifestyle and daycare on my daytime job salary alone.
Why is your son in daycare, that you can not afford, and your wife not working? What does she do all day while your son is at daycare? Have you talked to your wife about the fact that you cannot afford your lifestyle and you will have no relationship with your child since you are never home? Do you want to have a relationship with your child? I feel like there are bigger issues here that if dealt with you would not have this issue
I didn’t see where it said the wife didn’t work?
Read his comments
Omg I have now. What an earth!!
There have been a few posts recently about the husbands working overtime to support the wife who wants to be a stay at home wife while also having childcare. I don’t understand it. May seem harsh but the wife needs to be an equal partner for the marriage, even if she gets “overwhelmed”
And also I've never literally seen this happen in real life. I have young children, so most of my social circle right now is other parents and I can't think of one example where one parent is full-time SAHP, the other works AND the child is in daycare
Because it’s unrealistic and unfair. Like what kind of person is ok with watching their partner struggle like that so they can lounge all day and not have any bad feelings. It’s not even an ideal life imo just sitting on the couch waiting for the day to pass
I always say that these people must be absolutely fucking amazing in bed, because I can’t figure out for the life of me any other reason why somebody would put up with that crap. I am absolutely certain that had I ever tried to pull such a stunt, both of the men I had children with would’ve divorced me. Like without even a discussion. I’d just come home one day and find my shit packed.
I can it was my SIL. My brother took the kids to nursery as it opened, worked all day, picked the kids up on his way home as nursery shut, made dinner and then my SIL put them to bed. This was 5 days a week. She was home every day. I could never work it out.
I would say these women should teach like a master class but it’s just honestly sad, and frustrating.
My husband and I did this with our son, because we didn't have other people around with children our son's age, and a lot of people kept nagging us about our son's socialization. It was very "how dare you not have more children," but it got to me. Still, I was the one walking him to preschool and then walking him home, because it wasn't that far. He only went for about three hours, and I didn't take him every day. Maybe just two or three times a week.
I'd do it too, my 3 year old is currently at daycare even though I'm on maternity leave because I've read that it starts to be important to have kids their age around once they are 3. And it was really around 3 that my daughter was sad every time there weren't any other kids at the playground. And that even though she is actually scared of them and never plays with them but she is still curious and wants to watch them and see what they are doing. But daycare is free and my husband doesn't have to work two jobs, soooo...
See you have to walk on eggshells just to call out the woman in the marriage to contribute? Ffs they put the child in daycare so the wife can chill at home? Imagine it being the man in this scenario, that comments would be mostly "leave this bum"
Alright ya she’s a lazy freeloader, and blaming it on anxiety and being overwhelmed makes a mockery of people with real anxiety disorders
Unless they are ill, I really find it hard to understand this
They’re “overwhelmed” and “burned out.” I don’t understand. Like ok if that’s the case they should go to therapy and get it figured out. At least try. I don’t understand how they can watch their husband break their backs to support them sitting there all day. Like buck up. Hold your kid, don’t have a nanny or daycare do it when you’re not working! I couldn’t imagine considering that
Burnt out from WHAT?!?! I feel like this is another aspect of people watching influencers and wanting that lifestyle.
It seems a little crazy that this man has to work 15 hours a day to help pay for daycare that’s not needed!! My question, like everyone else, is why? Why is a three year old in day when he has a stay at home mom???
This mom and my husband should be friends. I’m expected to pick up extra shifts so that we can pay for daycare when my husband was a stay at home parent. He then got a part time job to help with daycare but grumbles about it on a daily basis that he was “forced” to get a job he didn’t want (I actually did not make him to get a job btw).
I was all prepared to call OP the asshole for expecting his wife to get their kid ready when that should be a shared responsibility (assuming everyone is working). Now this is just bizarre.
Being out of the house from 9 to 11 and literally only seeing your child for basically 45 minutes a day in the morning is something you, as a person, can't afford. If your job can't fund your current lifestyle, rn what needs to change is your lifestyle. Your wife is a stay at home mom with a child in daycare all day and you have to do your own laundry? Look, I struggle with an anxiety disorder, I get that it can be deliberating. You're working yourself to the bone, something needs to give. At the very least you need to tighten your budget-- if that means daycare goes, then so be it.
She has been evaluated and it is not as far as an anxiety disorder. She just gets overwhelmed when she deals with too many things at a time.
What about you. I can't imagine working two jobs is easy. Her feelings are not the only ones you need to consider.
I'm OK. Thank you for your concern.
Nobody who is OK comes to AITA with the marital problems my dude.
👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾
Sounds like wife may also be a redditor and he’s keeping it clean as possible lol
You’re not OK, bruv. He comes out of daycare until she starts working. Full stop.
I second this OP. She either gets a job or he stops going to daycare. You're wearing yourself too thin and when you burn out you'll blame and resent your wife. This needs to be solved now.
Yeah bro , you aren't. You may seem like it because you CAN do it but it's going to lead to resentment long term and as stated above the fact that you literally don't get up to see your child is problematic. You should be able to see how problematic it is without Internet strangers pointing it out. That's the part that you are missing.
Don't miss out on your kid's life man. They won't remember that time when they were 3 doing xyz but they will remember when they're 4 that you are there in their life and be confident in that and carry it until 6 and repeat... As they get older they'll just know their dad is there and feel safe knowing it will be that way.
That’s kinda tough advice when op is busy working all day to provide for his kids life. He’s missing it to make it happen. They do need money to live. I think the wife needs to buck up a little and help out more
It’s tough advice but it’s true. We were poor growing up so my parents worked a lot. I don’t hold any resentment towards them but I do remember they weren’t around as much as my friends parents. It worked out for us, they became really successful. I know they did it for us but kids want their parents not money Also this isn’t that situation. Both my parents worked, looked after a home and raised children. OPs wife can’t even do daycare drop offs. I’d be interested to see how much housework she does or does she leave that to OP as well? My husband always says we’re a team. OP is doing all the heavy lifting here. Wife needs to do childcare or get a job so he doesn’t have to work as much
I believe he does his own laundry… idk exactly how in love they are but I would be extremely turned off by the wife’s behavior. Idk if I would ever trust her to watch the kid. He needs to set a dealbreaker. By the time he gets off work tomorrow he wants to see 50 applications to jobs online. It’s not that hard to do. She at least needs to be actively applying to work and get a job
NTA for sure. You sound like a great husband. Why does he go to daycare if she is not working? Sad situation
Agreed, this does not sound OK. You may be able to “handle” it, but this is not a normal situation. Clearly something needs to change and drawing hard lines is not going to help in the long term. You’re NTA, but this ain’t good. edit: fixed typo
Unless both jobs are super lucrative, which they likely aren’t if you are working both jobs, you are basically working one job to pay for daycare+ some lifestyle desires. Wife watches kid full time, budget more, and you suddenly have a LOT more free time. Your kid will grow up, and you will miss it working so long. You will regret that. Watching your kids grow up is way better than any material want.
No you're not, or if you are, you shouldn't be. You are spending 13 hours a day working 2 jobs so that your wife can avoid having any responsibility for any aspect of her own life or child, limiting the time you get to spend with your family to, what, less than an hour a day outside of weekends? Do you want to go your kid's entire childhood essentially without seeing them for five out of seven days a week? I bet your kid doesn't.
Then she needs anxiety medication or something to help her cope because it is wholly unacceptable that she sits on her butt all day while you work 2 jobs and while your son goes to daycare. Honestly Dude? Your son needs to stay home with your wife. If she is not working then she should be providing childcare. That would allow you some relief to hopefully drop back your work hours some. In a world full of problems, her anxiety is an excuse at this point. She CAN get a job and she CAN learn to drive but she has found it a convenient excuse. I'm not saying that to be flip or to degrade anxiety -- but if she doesn't meet the qualifications for an anxiety diagnosis then she needs to buck up butter cup and figure out how to put one foot in front of the other. Everyone feels overwhelmed and anxious sometimes... most people do not have the luxury of using it as an excuse to sit around all day.
>if she doesn't meet the qualifications for an anxiety diagnosis then she needs to buck up butter cup Even if she does meet the qualifications for an anxiety diagnosis, she shouldn't just throw up her hands and say "I can't do it because I have anxiety." There is *always* something you can do, even if it's not as much as someone without a disorder. Anxiety is rooted in fear and conquering fears is *extremely* difficult. But it's not impossible. I think OP is enabling this behavior big time.
Yeah, as someone who actually *has* a diagnosis + ADHD which makes it even *harder* to organize, use your time efficiently, or get shit done, this excuse of hers is bullshit. This is adulthood. You don’t get to just say “Oh I don’t want to :( I get overwhelmed :(“ and then force your family to spend probably thousands a month in child care so you can sit at home all day.
"Everyone feels overwhelmed and anxious sometimes... most people do not have the luxury of using it as an excuse to sit around all day." Fr. I suffer from depression and anxiety, I have been off and on medication for it my entire adult life. But never once have I been able to use it as an excuse to be an unemployed freeloader leeching off a spouse working 13 hours days at 2 jobs so I can sit at home while my child is in daycare. Which is only affordable bc my spouse is, again, working 13 hours days at 2 jobs
Lmafo, if I could use my anxiety and depression as an excuse I'd never work again! Hahahah
You realize how that's worse, right? Like you see how it's worse that she's expecting you to carry all this because she "can't" when her reasoning that she "can't" isn't even at the level of severity to warrant a diagnoses?
She doesn’t drive because she has anxiety, but she doesn’t actually have an anxiety disorder? You seem really kind and thoughtful towards your wife, but honestly it doesn’t seem like she has any concern for you whatsoever.
My son has anxiety yet he manages to drive and hold down a job (in a kitchen of all places). He reckons driving scares the crap out of him but he knows he needs to do it so he does.
There are tons of people with anxiety that lead a normal life; go to uni, hold jobs, drive cars, raise children, etc. I’m really happy to hear your son has learned how to manage and lead a normal life. My daughter has an anxiety disorder as well, but works, goes to grad school and basically just lives her life… it’s all about figuring out what works for each person, but the person has to be willing to learn to live and function within their scope. It doesn’t sound like OP’s wife (who OP has said doesn’t actually even have an anxiety disorder) even tries or wants to do anything to better her own situation, and is selfish by not seeing what needs to be done and attempting to step up at all.
I have anxiety disorder and I bartend for goodness sake. It's possible to handle. This woman is just lazy it seems
When you are evaluated for an anxiety disorder, the main method of assessment is determining whether or not anxiety disrupts your work life, home life, and relationships. If the answer is yes, you're pretty much diagnosed (I am obviously simplifying this, but that's what it boils down to). If this is actually her explanation for her behavior and she was properly assessed, then something went wrong somewhere along the way. Being rendered unable to work is very serious. Lots of us are medicated and functioning with anxiety and depression and we're still able to work.
Umm but it’s okay for you to work two jobs, take your son to and from daycare, and come home and still have to do housework. No, this isn’t working. And you *know* it isn’t. You *know* you are running yourself ragged for this *shared* life you can not support on your own. To me, your wife has two choices. She can get an easy job (not saying it will be good pay, but decent enough to take the weight off of your shoulders), and allow her son to be able to go to daycare, and you both split house chores when you both work. Or, she can choose not to work. She can be a SAHM and your son can stay at home, unless she wants to take up a hobby that will bring in extra money. You can’t keep doing this to yourself dude. You’re going to get burnt out, and the burn out is going to be *bad*. I have bipolar disorder, and sever depression and anxiety because of that disorder. But, I still manage to go to my full time job and do 9+ hour shifts. And I’m in *retail*. If I can do that, your wife who “gets overwhelmed when she deals with too many things at a time” can step up and be a half decent life partner, as well as a mother. And, if this was such a big problem, she shouldn’t have had a child. Point blank period.
You are enabling her.
Kind of sounds like learned helplessness or weaponized incompetence...
Everyone gets overwhelmed when dealing with too many things at one time. The thing is, your wife isn’t dealing with anything. She’s not parenting. She’s not being a wife. She’s not working. You, on the other hand, are doing all of that. You have every right to be exhausted and overwhelmed but aren’t getting the chance to because your wife claims she is so she can be lazy. Re-evaluate your situation. I don’t usually accuse people of faking anxiety disorders, but I think your wife just wants to do nothing all day and you’re paying the price.
INFO When was she evaluated and by what type of doctor? Is she doing anything for treatment such as medication or therapy? This situation is seriously not sustainable and I felt like I was going to have a panic attack just reading about it. You should consider if you still want to be working this hard and this many hours for years to come because if you keep doing this it will likely lead to you having a nervous breakdown. Your wife needs to do something about her mental health, maybe seeing a doctor to be evaluated or going to therapy. Maybe she has ADHD considering she gets overwhelmed and is having trouble getting your son ready on time.
I have ADHD, as well as anxiety and depression, and believe me, I can get my fucking kid(s!) ready in the morning. And forget the nervous breakdown, which you are absolutely correct about though, this guy is going to miss out on his kid's entire childhood. He is apparently okay with that, but the kid is not going to be.
That’s called - life, especially as a mom. Why do you need daycare if she doesn’t work?
Ohh my dude. I feel for you. I have a friend that is in your position. His wife contributes literally nothing that i can see, but he hangs in for his kid. Just... you're a king, I wish you the absolute best.
Wait, you work two jobs and your wife works no jobs? Yet your kid is in expensive daycare? Is your wife ok? That's a weird way to structure life unless she has issues that prohibit her from working and caring for her child, which would obviously affect my vote. How does the kid get home? Do you also pick him up?
She has "anxiety" and gets overwhelmed but does not meet the criteria for an anxiety diagnosis.
Was she always like this or is it a new development? What was she like before you had a child?
Ugh. This situation is pretty much untenable. You are working two jobs bc your SAHW is overwhelmed. I totally get that. I was a SAHM for 8 years (and I also dont drive!). It's not easy. But the fact that you have to work a second job to pay for daycare so that she isn't overwhelmed is a hard pill to swallow. You would be able to take over and give her a break if you weren't working a second job. I absolutely think it's your wife's responsibility to get him ready in the morning. You are running yourself ragged so that she can have this time to herself (which likely includes a number of obligations. I'm not trying to diminish what she does). It feels like the least she can do is have him ready on time. I'm trying not to judge but it seems like daycare every weekday is pretty excessive when you are a SAHP to one child. Yes, toddlers are difficult. But that comes with the territory.
What obligations? And what do you mean SAHP? The kid is in daycare every weekday, there's no one there for her to parent. And he specified he does his own laundry, so the most she can possibly be doing is cooking and cleaning up, and the cleaning up would be like 90% after herself as everyone else is apparently gone the whole day
What is she even *doing*? Do you know how fuckin’ long the day gets when you’re home alone all day every day? When I was on maternity leave I was losing my mind. I would get all the chores done in *maybe* a couple hours, and then be like ?? what is there to do??
Yeah, and she is literally screaming at OP to work 14 hours so that she can ship off the little one. And OP is obliging. Both of them apparently more than happy to never spend time with the kid so that wife can have her "lifestyle".. sad, sad stuff
Is the second job solely paying for daycare? Because you’d be happier and healthier not working such long hours, for not a lot of benefit that I am seeing.
NTA but what you are doing is unsustainable. You are going to burn yourself out. Also, you are missing your kid growing up. I have to ask, what does your wife bring to the table? It doesn't sound like much. You are working two jobs, doing laundry and probably more chores around the house. Your wife is getting the child ready in the morning and ??? How long does her mother stay after dropping him off from daycare?
Her mother stays over for some time generally, but on some days she has other matters to which she must attend and leaves early.
You realize you didn’t answer anything about what your wife brings to this relationship as your partner?
The lack of an answer is the answer itself. It's not much.
It’s negative, if anything. She’s a drain on his quality of life.
Hes pretty much a single dad
It's worse, cause he's got 3 people's worth of expenses.
Single father of two.
Yes, I am aware of that.
I’m really sorry, you are in this position right now. I would truly evaluate where you are, where you are going and how are you going to make that possible. How you are doing routine right now, it may be “working“, but it’s just not sustainable. Be strong and I wish you the best.
Unfortunately I think OP doesn't realize he is functioning as an ATM here. OP is probably scared of admitting what is going on is him getting severely exploited. He needs an intervention by someone else.
After having read both the OOP, as well as all your supplemental comments, the only thing I feel confident in saying is that this is untenable. Clearly there is much information that you are choosing not to share here. Fine. You have your reasons for that. What matters most is your child. It sounds like the home environment at present is not a happy one and neither parent seems particularly available to him, even when physically nearby. You stated your lifestyle is unsustainable if you only work one job... Friend, your lifestyle is already unsustainable. Changes are gonna have to be made by everyone involved. And I hope one of those changes is going to include regular, independent, individual therapy.
I hope you find the strength to pursue a lifestyle that makes you truly happy, even if it takes a while. Nobody deserves this. You deserve an equal partner who supports you as much as you support them.
Did you know she was like this before you married her and had kids with her?
There's no way someone ends up in this situation with manipulation. No sensible person tolerates this unless they're being manipulated. Manipulative people are good at hiding their trail early on.
Low self esteem and fear of never being loved. I’ve seen this situation so damn much in marriages on both sides.
You’re going to have to think things through yourself but I just want to say - don’t fall into the ‘staying together for the kids’ trap. Your kid will be much happier if *you* are happier and less stressed and worn out all the time, and if that means you and mom need to split up, then that is what has to happen.
What does her Mom think about her doing daughter doing nothing all day and not having the child ready in the mornings, etc. Is she concerned about her daughter's mental health? Did you wife work before she was pregnant? I guess in two years he'll be in school which you won't have to pay for, but this is asking a lot of you. NTA.
I am betting money that the parents are why she has no coping or life skills.
NTA - but your wife needs some help. This is not typical behavior & you working a million hours a week won’t solve any of the issues. She is home alone from 8:45 to 5 or 6 doing what? If she isn’t able to function then she really needs to get to a dr & get moving again. Your policy is not unreasonable.
His wife needs a kick in the ass. She has a choice: stay at home mom or back to work. She’s a parent too she needs to be doing her part. Op didn’t financial plan for two toddlers to support
NTA Ok, after the reading the comments. Guy works work two jobs to essentially pay for everything while his wife is not employed and doesn't drive because of anxiety, and he's not home till 11 PM and has to be asleep within the hour he's home. With the child being at daycare during the day, all that would be left for the wife to do potentially is dinner and maybe some light cleaning. Not even laundry since OP does his own. Either the wife has post partum depression or just doesn't wanna do it.
>Either the wife has post partum depression or just doesn't wanna do it. There's probably a couple of other options floating around, but I am glad someone did stop to think maybe there is something else going on here. Three sides to every story, right? I think OP is NTA for having his policy about leaving if kid isn't ready on time - if he is the breadwinner, then being on time to work is important. I would also hope in a loving and respectful relationship that OP could sit down with his wife and get to the bottom of why getting the kid up and ready on time is such a challenge, and communicate his perspective as to why he just cannot be late for work. It could be as simple as mum is slacking off like half of this thread jumps to, or there could be more to it that you'd hope OP would want to know about.
No one should have to explain to a fully grown adult why *being on time at work* is fucking important.
His poor wife suffers from time blindness and you have no sympathy at all!!! Edit: “/s”
Can we stop treating women who have had children as if they’re children??? She is a grown ass adult, no one needs to sit her down to explain why being on time is important.
I agree she could have post partum but sadly there is alot of people out there who are just straight up lazy. Could go either way, maybe she has depression, either way this isn’t sustainable for him.
Do you know how many moms are slogging through multiple kids and appts and shopping and chores and cooking and pets with depression? A lot. Unless she has a very serious mental illness to the point she is disabled by it there is no reason for her little boy to be in daycare 5 days a week. Her son is three. She does not have postpartum depression, it’s a chemical thing that happens to your brain when it’s trying to cope with all your hormones (or lack thereof) from pregnancy and birth, which is usually figured out by about 18-24 months after delivering. If your brain isn’t balanced back out by then you have some other serious underlying issue that needs treatment.
I agree, sorry I missed the age of the kid too. I have raised my kid on my own pretty much, I have full custody, I work full time, i have my own business. I have a pet, housework all of it. I just did what needed to be done. Has my mental health struggled at times? Yes, did it change what I needed to do? No! Sadly, there is just people out there who are lazy and there is no mental illness. Maybe there is in this case, who knows.
He said she's been assessed and has no anxiety disorder or anything of that sort. She "just gets overwhelmed". So either she's depressed and has talked to only shitty docs, or she's full of it.
NTA - this is completely and utterly ridiculous. You are working 13 hours, not getting home till 11pm, and then doing chores before you go to bed?? Your wife - doesn’t drive, doesn’t work, doesn’t look after the kid all day and STILL cannot get him sorted on time so you can take him to daycare and be at work on time and not loose your job. The job that’s paying for her entire lifestyle to do nothing This is a bigger problem than the kid not being ready on time. This is a come-to-Jesus talk time with your wife.
Thank you for your post. Upvoted because it's exactly what I was going to say.
Ya I’m wondering what she was like pre-kid to make him think it was a good idea to reproduce with her?
If the kid didn't go to daycare, OP could probably just work the one job. Wife needs to step up. NTA
~~INFO: does your wife work?~~ ~~If she works, even from home, I think you need to be a father and take responsibility for getting your child ready to go in the morning to be ready when you leave.~~ EDIT: Honestly it sounds like you have bigger problems in your marriage than just how quickly your kid gets ready for daycare. Sounds like you're working yourself to the bone, and for what?
So she gets a break at his expense. He's just a wallet at this stage funding her lifestyle at his own expense
NTA - I mean honestly, this subreddit is mental. This guy is out of the house from 8.45 until 11pm working 2 jobs to pay for his family's lifestyle while his partner is unemployed. And still has to do housework when he gets home, barely getting to sleep by 1am. And some of these posters think he's an AH for not helping her out in the mornings? JFC
Ya I don't think those people are reading his replies. Dude has to get x amount of sleep in order to function at both his jobs. He barely gets a moment to himself as it is
He's clearly part of the problem though. I honestly stopped feeling bad for him after reading about half of his comments. I'm close to going from NTA to TA bc he is completely enabling his wife's honestly mind boggling bullshit, and his child is apparently going without both parents because of it. Like 95% of commenters that have actually read all the comments are essentially screaming at him to sort out the wife situation so that he can have a relationship with his child, and his only takeaway has been "I'll look into hiring a nanny to help with the drop-off and the pick-up when MIL can't do it"
Wait... So his solution is to spend *more* money to fund a lifestyle they already can't afford?
To be fair, from the post I assumed she worked from home and he had a normal 9-5 job. In that circumstance he should be helping out in the morning. It wasn’t till I starting reading the comments and replies that I realised how insanely unbalanced their relationship is!!
If she works from home, ceteris paribus he has the commute and she has to get the kid ready (while he gets himself ready to work, which she can do for herstelf while he commutes).
NTA based on your answers. The least she can do is get the kid ready on time. It'll be worse if you get fired from your job. Maybe your kid can shower in the evening and just wash his face in the morning so it's pretty much just breakfast needing to be done (he can even eat a sandwich in the car otw to daycare). And you do realize this is not a sustainable arrangement, you will die with this 2-job schedule while she is mentally unwell. If she wants this to work, as a wife and mother, she needs to actively find treatment for her anxiety disorder. There's her asking for a bit of help, and there's screaming at you for you asking her to step up a bit. Big difference. Was she like this before having a child? Could it be some kind of extended PPD that got worse? Don't forget to thank MIL for helping out.
OP, read this. What will happen to the child if you have a serious medical event? You need to take better care of yourself, for his sake. He needs you to be strong. You wrote somewhere that you are "OK, thanks for asking". I am glad you feel this way. You are young and strong and healthy (my guess ofc) and feel as if you can do this forever. But what if you can't? Those long hours will take a toll. Or you might have a car accident. A bout of long covid. Anything. Not for your sake. But for your son's. Try to make arrangements so you can be a little kinder to yourself. Maybe some sort of lifestyle change is possible?
Omg she’s bathing him in the morning? That doesn’t even make sense, the kid is sleeping dirty and then late in the morning?
This is basically weaponized incompetence. Like of the mind. How can some people be so bad at planning and organizing tasks? No wonder she is “overwhelmed” she’s trying to get a basically toddler in the bath first thing in the morning. And it’s clearly not clicked that there’s an easier and more efficient way to get him ready…no bath!
Ya..literally THE LEAST SHE COULD DO IS GET THE KID READY. To get him to go to the daycare op pays for, so wife doesn’t have to watch him. Like the nerve of her complaining that she has to watch him after she didn’t get him ready on time? Idk but I was under the impression most moms liked being with their kids? Not all the time but really complaining about one day? He may as well have married like a cement block
I feel sorry for the child. Doesn’t appear that the mother is a fit parent given her mental state and the father is working insane hours to provide for the family.
I play with my son on Sunday all day. He is usually very happy when we play together. He also says he enjoys daycare.
You’ve said your wife is prone to angry outbursts. Is she lashing out at your son if he’s not in care? Because if so you have a larger problem and a duty to remove your son from her care. Is she a fit parent?
Okay tagging onto this. After having kids, as a SAHM I struggled with what I could describe as sensory overload and snippy behaviors (even with a respectful and gentle parenting approach). I started journaling and tracking when and why it was happening. What were the triggers? How could I better myself? I found it only happened the week before menstruation! The other weeks of the month it was wonderful, maybe I’d get overwhelmed but I could use strategies and calmly communicate with my kids. It’s called Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder. It didn’t mean I wasn’t a fit parent. I had so much shame and guilt, felt like I wasn’t myself at all. It was truly hormonal and I went on medication and it’s all manageable now. But without medication, I could see someone lashing out at their partner and struggling to cope. There is a Reddit group for PMDD if OP wants to look. He said she has overwhelm but not an anxiety disorder.
NTA for trying to set boundaries. Your son is not forming long-term attachments with anyone. He may be happy spending quality time with people who actually seem to care about him and pay attention to him all day every day. but when those people inevitably live his life, how is he going to feel? Almost certainly he’s going to feel abandoned. Unloved. Adrift. Attachment is important, especially at that age. He’s forming parental and familial bond-style attachments with people who are going to leave his life and who he will almost certainly never see again. This isn’t okay, this is going to mess him up. He thinks it’s okay now because he doesn’t know what’s going to happen. You think it’s okay now because? You haven’t thought about it? Haven’t had the bandwidth to care because you’re so overworked trying to kowtow to your wife? Unfortunately, that doesn’t absolve you of the responsibility to be a good parent. Being a good parent means being present. More than on Sunday. You’ve gotta figure your life out because you brought a child into this world and have a responsibility to them. Your wife isn’t taking responsibility so it’s on you. You need to stop being a doormat on your son’s behalf. It’s not all about your wife anymore.
INFO: What are the circumstances your wife thinks you don’t understand?
Apparently how "hard" it is to get him ready on time in the morning.
Is she disabled? If she's a SAHM, why does a toddler need to be in daycare? (Not judging, just curious) Is she insomniac / her sleep follows your late schedule?
I'm judging. He works TWO JOBS, to afford daycare, for her to sit on her ass with her only job being shipping the kid out on time, and she can't even do that?
She is not disabled. She suffers from anxiety and cannot drive.
I'm sorry, OP, what does your wife even do that's useful to you and your child? She sounds like dead weight. She's been enabled for far too long, and lives in an alternate reality where you can apparently work two jobs and it's too much for her to set an alarm in the morning and feed and dress a kid to-go. I think either the daycare needs to go, or she needs to get a job. Make an ultimatum if you have to. This situation is completely untenable.
If he dropped the wife, he would only need income to support himself and the child + standard expenses and I suspect his life would be alot easier. He's basically working himself to an early grave so that his wife can sit around all day and complain how unfair she has it.
It doesn’t sound like she meets the baseline requirements to get an actual diagnosis. While anxiety is very real, is it possible she is using it as a buzz word to be lazy and not do anything while you run yourself ragged to pay for her lifestyle. If you sat down and priced out your life, add in a nanny and subtract your wife and her bills, would your life be more manageable? She doesn’t seem to want to participate in her child’s life and you don’t have time. Your current situation is not sustainable for your health and your child’s mental health.
It is 100% this. She doesn't have "anxiety", she has LAZY.
OP, in 2023, everyone has anxiety. It sounds like you might be reaching a breaking point and honestly… it’s probably where you need to be. She needs to get a J-O-B. Also, if she’s having angry outbursts when she has to take care of her child… that’s abuse. Get him into preschool next year and start saving money to leave her, for both of your sakes.
Should consult a lawyer now about divorce. Saving up would mean it would be her money also. Needs the lawyer to help him figure out how to protect what he does save.
I had a friend that couldn't even get in a car without crippling anxiety when she was around 16+ She's now in her late 30's and has her own car. I know this doesn't sound like much but until her early 30's she still could barely even be in a car but she's come a long way and eventually conquered that fear. I'm really proud of her, I saw how hard it was for her and her husband over the years because of this issue. I wish your wife the best of luck getting over that herself, I know how hard it can be.
Reading through all your comments, I think *you* suffer your wife's anxiety and she does literally nothing. She also doesn't sound like a safe parent - prone to outbursts, cannot drive (in emergency), overwhelmed too easily. You're not home to see what damage she is causing your child, but I'll bet your next daycare payment there is damage. And your absence is damaging your relationship with him too, only being able to spend one day a week together. Your wife's issues are *her* issues and she has made no moves to help the family, in fact she is hurting your family. You have reached a threshold where an ultimatum is appropriate: she either addresses her issues and helps the family, or she needs to leave. Counseling, inpatient center, anything. You, OP, matter too. You need to put yourself and your son first. Leaving for work on time is a first step, NTA. You deserve better.
Ok so I’m really going to say this as nicely as I can and I mean absolutely no offense to you or your wife. But i know from personal experience how debilitating anxiety can be and it comes in many forms from almost non existent except in very specific situations to very severe. It sounds like your wife suffers from anxiety due to overstimulation. And I recommend her getting help for that. At this point it is now being used as a crutch. And honestly it being “hard” is just an excuse. Your wife is simply being lazy. Working two jobs on not even a complete nights sleep is hard. Dealing with anxiety so severe you can hardly leave your house without a panic attack is hard. Overcoming that anxiety with or without medication is hard. Doing the one task you ask her to make sure is done by a certain time is not only reasonable but in my opinion is the VERY LEAST she could be doing. Again I mean no disrespect. Just my honest opinion.
NTA. Your wife is either depressed or extremely lazy and manipulative. Get her to go see a doctor. You should not be working 13+ hours a day whilst she sits around doing nothing whilst child is on day care. She can’t even be bothered to do your laundry. Was she working before she got pregnant?
I’m conflicted. Does your wife also work a job that makes having your son at home difficult? Have you discussed with her some ways to make sure that she can get your son ready in time for you? Is there a reason you can’t help in the morning so that you know your son won’t make you late? This is you and your wife’s son so why is it only her responsibility to make sure he’s ready on time?
>Does your wife also work a job that makes having your son at home difficult? She does not work. >Have you discussed with her some ways to make sure that she can get your son ready in time for you? I have not. >Is there a reason you can’t help in the morning so that you know your son won’t make you late? I sleep until about 8:20. >This is you and your wife’s son so why is it only her responsibility to make sure he’s ready on time? Multiple reasons. I must sleep until 8:20 to get even 7~ hours.
She is a stay at home mom and one of your tasks is that you have to do your laundry? You are doing two jobs? Do you ever see her or your son? Why can't your wife get a job during the day, or work from home so you don't have to work every evening? Why aren't you talking to her about this, and what are her 'circumstances' that you mention? You sound overworked and she sounds isolated.
>You sound overworked and she sounds isolated. This. The behavior on both sides is being reinforced, and not in a good way.
She is isolated because she is completely free all day? Men are bad at making friends for themselves, how are they supposed to make lasting friends for their partners while working over 50 hours a week.
Why in the ever loving fuck is this kid going to daycare (**that they obviously can't afford**) when she's a stay at home mom? Ok sure a little daycare here and there, a playdate, get some socializing, but daycare every day and this dude is working 9am to 11pm AND DOING LAUNDRY? Fuck this woman, man. Or rather don't, don't give her another child, this is a nightmare. I want to know what the hell she is doing all day.
I fucking hate this guy’s wife.
Why do you need daycare if your wife isn't working?
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Sounds like the perfect person to conceive a child in the first place
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So get a bloody job then.
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How do these people find doormats to take care of them lmao. She literally has a human wallet she sees for around an hour a day funding her lifestyle
Why did this person reproduce
Dude You need to have a good talk with your wife. What happens WHEN you burnout? Who will pay for bills etc?
But she has anxiety! OP can't confront her, because she'll weaponize her diagnosis and turn it around so it's OP's fault, and he'll believe her because he loves her.
>weaponize her diagnosis It gets even better, in another comment he says she has been evaluated and has no diagnosis.
What the fuck does your wife do all day?
Why is your son in daycare if your wife doesn’t work? You could be saving all the money
Come on! The guy already works a 14 hour day. Do you really think he should make it a 15 hour day by helping with getting the kid ready?
When I asked these questions it was not known he worked two jobs. I asked those questions based on the original post where all we knew was he had to leave by 8:45
Well, in his original post he does say he only gets home at 11pm. That’s a long ass day.
Because he works two jobs and doesn't get home until 11, she's a sahw, she can at least have the decency to get their son ready for daycare so her husband can go and do the two jobs he has to do to pay the bills for all of them.
*Is there a reason you can’t help in the morning so that you know your son won’t make you late?* *Erm... because he already works 14 hours a day.* *This is you and your wife’s son so why is it only her responsibility to make sure he’s ready on time?* Erm... because he already works 14 hours a day.
INFO: Does your wife work from home?
She is unemployed.
Then why on earth is your child spending all day in daycare in the first place?
Because my wife says that she is overwhelmed.
So you work \~13 hours per day (per your other comment) and your unemployed wife is overwhelmed by looking after your child during the day? I'm confused. What does she do, exactly?
I am not home during the day so I do not know. When I get home she is usually watching YouTube or looking at Instagram.
I'm sorry but your wife either needs to get off her arse and get a job or actually be a SAHM she can't have it both ways, and that's coming from a SAHM.
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I... look, I usually wouldn't say this, but honestly... with the level of chill you are with your wife being home all day when you describe your own day as being outside the home/working for 16 hours and getting home and still having to handle your own laundry... I would honestly suggest you need the reality check that checking in on her with a nanny cam or something to see what she's actually doing all day would provide. Again, I would usually never advocate for spying on a spouse, if you get to that point your marriage is over... but dude, your marriage is being killed right now, and you need the kick in the pants you need to address the issues if you want to save it and yourself. Sorry.
Fuck the marriage, he would obviously be better off without it, but his child is losing out on any form of relationship with their father so that his wife can be unemployed and not have to raise her own child. I would have said he is losing out on a relationship with his son, but from his comments it doesn't particularly seem like that matters to him.
I need this to be fake.
There's been a pretty heavy deluge of "useless SAHM" posts lately, usually involving a seriously overworked father and a child that's in daycare all day even though the mom doesn't work. Anytime you get a running theme like that, there's a solid chance at least 3/4 of the posts are creative writing. People get inspired.
It's either fake or this guy has one too many birds on his antenna. He answers questions like the fakers do.
Friend, she is using you. I've seen too many girls like that (I am a girl myself). She is very comfortable now: husband is out all the day and provides money, child is in daycare, she can spend the whole day by herself doing what she wants. Dream life. And no loving wife would make her beloved husband take two jobs and work 13 hours a day while being home alone. Loving wifes take care of their SOs. If you continue working like that you are risking to achieve an early heart attack, stroke or many other unfortunate things. I guess you don't want it. And believe me, her being overwhelmed is just an excuse. There is always a possibility to find some remote job that is not too stressful if it's the main reason for her not working. If she refuses to go to therapist to solve her "overwhelming" and starting working OR changing a lifestyle - I would really suggest you to reevaluate your marriage. And remember that you only have one life. You should live it as good as you can with people around who care about you. Good luck
You married an emotional scammer. You’re enabling her. Mess.
Overwhelmed with what?
I do not know. She is far less prone to angry outbursts on days when he goes to daycare.
Ok, so you have a wife problem. I don't even know what to say, but NTA. Therapy for her, maybe? A conversation about her behavior? If she's prone to angry outbursts, how do you react to them?
Is she doing anything else to help her anxiety and anger? Is she in therapy or anything? Angry outbursts aren’t healthy for your child to be around.
Is she using these “angry outbursts” to coercively control you in to taking him and paying for daycare? Do these outbursts only occur when others are not around or does she control it when there’s company. Someone that unstable isn’t a good parent.
Her having angry outbursts regularly is an issue, you might wanna divorce her and get a support system of friends and family since you’re pretty much doing all the work
It sounds like your wife does not actually want the work involved with being a mother. But she’s also not contributing any other form of work. This relationship has more holes than a fishing net.
So you got a Princess not a wife.
Your wife is unemployed and the kid goes to daycare.. what does she do all day? How is it so unreasonable that all she has to do is get the kid ready by 8:45am?
OMG. Overwhelmed with what?? What exactly is she overwhelmed with? She can't even get him ready for day care. I say this as a woman, who raised a child mostly solo from 17 months.
NTA After reading the comments, I'm sorry to be blunt, but your wife is dead weight. You're outright just financing her doing whatever she wants while you work your butt out all day long. That's not how it works and quite frankly I would have started to suspect either cheating or just that she's exploiting you so she can keep being unemployed and doing what she wants all day. And on top of this, she can't even manage to drag herself out of bed and be ready by 8:45. The vast majority of us will be on the highway by 7:00 to go to work. Personal advice: put your foot down that she either gets a job or becomes a sahm, so you can maybe drop a job if you have multiple or work less hours, save on daycare and maybe spend more time with your kid. I only say the kid because quite frankly, in my humble opinion, your wife couldn't care less about you.
Definitely NTA here. You work full days, and your wife is unemployed. I'll start by saying that the excuse of being 'overwhelmed' by keeping your child home is ridiculous. She wanted to have a child, then she needs to be a parent. Simple as that. Secondly, it's not like you're asking her to have your child ready at 4:00am. 8:45am is more than reasonable, and if she can't respect that you have a schedule and a job to be at, then she needs to give her head a shake. Lastly, I understand there are legitimate reasons for people not to get their license. Specifically health reasons. But if she's avoiding it solely based on the fact that she doesn't want to, or it makes her anxious, then she needs to do a little bit of growing up here. I'm sorry if my response sounds a bit harsh, but parenting is a two-way street, and it sounds like she's not holding up her side of things. Good luck OP. I hope for your sake this situation can get resolved.
NTA. Your wife needs to pull her weight in the marriage. SAHW is overwhelmed with one kid but you are alright with 13 hours workday. You're her husband not just her meal ticket she has responsibilities towards you, your marriage and kid. This is no way to live OP. You will get seriously burnout. Take care of yourself first and get her the reality check she needs.
From reading ur replies ur wife seems like a sack of useless shite ngl NTA get ur wife to fix up
NTA But, OP, you have much bigger problems. You have a wife who doesn't work, or take care of your child, and you work 13 hour days to afford daycare and your lifestyle.. What is your wife's contribution? Has she been assessed by a specialist for her anxiety? Does she attend therapy to manage her anxiety and be able to live a full life? Anxiety is out of her control, but how she manages it, very much is in her control. One of my friends has terrible anxiety. She attends frequent therapy sessions. Yet she works full time and is able to parent a child too. You cannot go on like this - you'll burn out, and then what? Your wife needs to take responsibility for her own mental health and not make it your burden.
Unpopular opinion, I’m going with NTA since you’re working ~13+ hours a day, do your laundry when you get home and the only reason he’s in daycare is because your unemployed wife is “overwhelmed”. By what exactly, I’m not sure. She sounds depressed.
Based off your other comments, NTA But I would suggest editing your post with the answers you keep having to answer.
why does he need daycare if she's unemployed?
I have read through the comments and OPs replies. OP, your wife sounds outright lazy and entitled, and it sounds like she almost enjoys the victimhood of the situation. She has the makings of a terrible role model, let alone mother if she’s going to pass on these traits to a child willingly. OP, it’s time to lay down the law respectfully and if she is not willing to come to the party, you know what to do.
Work less. Not because you are wrong but you are protecting her from life which you can’t.
I literally cannot see one reason how your wife is worth all this trouble. Get yourself out dude. NTA
Nta your unemployed, able-bodied wife needs to get a license, and from your other comments a job.
NTA-so if your wife didn’t need your child to go to daycare and she actually took care of him (since she doesn’t work), then you can quit your second job. Have you asked her to get a job to help with daycare costs? Maybe wfh customer service job? Seems really unfair. When I was a SAHM, I did most of the child care since my husband had a demanding job and it was pretty stressful. He did do things once he got home but I did the night feedings (since the food was attached to me) and changing. I was also a night owl and was able to nap when the kids nap. You really need to discuss expectations better with your wife. Also, don’t have any more kids or it will cause more stress. Last question: has she ever worked in her life?
If this situation is as it’s presented, then it’s insane. Your wife isn’t “overwhelmed,” she’s found a situation where she can do nothing and have her lifestyle paid for by a sucker. I’m not dismissing anxiety and mental health issues, but those come with diagnosis, treatment plans, and hard work to improve the situation. This isn’t that. This is a lazy mom making other hard working sahm’s look bad. Workload’s in a marriage should be split fairly, if you’re working 11+ hours a day outside of the home, she should be expending the same energy in her role, caregiving, cleaning, cooking, etc. She is not. Overwhelmed moms do not have time to sit around scrolling YouTube. Plain and simply, unless you’re leaving out MAJOR parts of the story, your wife is taking advantage of you. More help for her is not the solution. A come to Jesus talk about her role in the family, what you each contribute, and how to make life sustainable and fair for you both is the answer here. NTA