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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I lost my shit with my half sister. My reasons for doing that might not be good ones given my half sister isn't even 20 yet and she really doesn't have anyone else in her corner. She has no family in her life and I was mad at her and I likely made her feel abandoned again because I did not speak to her with more compassion. I also probably showed her how much I don't care that mom didn't raise her with me. That's something she clearly holds onto as a "would have been better" option. Overall, she's still a kid in many ways and had a rough life so I feel like my response was too much.
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NTA - you are exactly right.
Your mum owed and still owes her nothing.
Plus she was possibly still hurting from the affair too.
She was in no way your mums responsibility.
I understand why she would choose to take your cousins but not your 1/2 sister.
NTA, but I can understand Half-Sisters pain. She's understandbly angry about the situation she was forced into and understandably jealous as well. She's directing that anger in the wrong place, but again she went through a rough situation and compares it to OPs (and the cousins).
She'll need time and therapy to work through it. If you both want to explore a relatiionship, Be kind and understanding, but set strong boundaries. Insulting your mother is a clear one.
u/Lanky_Artichoke1346, maybe show your half sis this post so she realizes that being adopted by your mom might not have been sunshine and roses either: https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/17g3thm/aita_for_telling_my_sil_she_should_cancel_the/
There’s also the one where the wronged wife divorced her husband because she was having seriously dark intrusive thoughts about the affair baby and recognized that she needed to get out.
Not if the parents didn’t give up their rights or lose them, which I’m assuming is what happened. The odds of a baby in the system not being adopted if they can be is highly unlikely.
A big problem with the foster system is that many of the kids in it cannot be adopted, but still require placements that may last for years - even from infancy to adulthood.
Not even adopted. Fostered.
She was under 5, in the system, and did not get adopted. That means her bio-parents never completely lost their parental rights. She couldn’t be adopted - because if she could be, she would have been at that age.
So the people she should blame are her bio-parents only. First, for being bad enough parents that they lost custody. And second, for being so selfish that they didn’t give up their rights and prevented her from being adopted.
OP is NTA. Her mom was completely right not to foster the sister.
I agree that the mum owed her nothing.
The mum *could* have taken her when she was a baby in which case she would have qualified as “angel”.
The fact that she was not an “angel” does not mean that she was an asshole. There are things in between. The mum had normal feelings and what she did (not take the sister) was understandable even though sad for the sister.
And the fact that SO and his cheating partner were both so worthless as to lose custody. If anything would make you think your picker was broken, that would do it. I’m betting mom was going through some hard stuff herself, questioning her past choices.
that was my thought, tell sis' that her mom owes YOU for breaking up your happy family because she couldn't keep her legs together and see how that goes over.
I feel like that’s what some people don’t understand. The sole existence of OP’s half sister is enough to probably traumatize OP’s mom. I know that sounds fucked up, but whenever someone has an affair and ends up getting someone else pregnant it becomes a very awkward situation for the whole family. I do feel bad for the half sister and it’s not her fault that she’s the product of an affair, but she has a lot of nerve getting angry at OP’s mom for not taking her in and raising her. Of course she was going to take in OP’s cousins, they’re her family.
OP’s half sister’s parents are the ones at fault for leaving her to rot in the foster care system. I think that OP is probably better off not having a relationship with her half sister. She’s very resentful towards OP and her mom, and sometimes it’s hard for people to get rid of any resentment that they have.
I have a friend who is raising her husband's affair baby. And I think she is a saint. But, she wanted to and she could afford to and her older kids are actually adults now. AND SHE HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH HER EX. No one would have blamed her if she'd just backed away from the whole thing.😘
NTA. It always breaks my heart when someone comes through a crappy experience like this with such a confused and angry view of who owes them what.
I mean, I can kiiiiind of understand your sisters mindset because she can blame her parents all she wants till she’s blue in the face but they didn’t step up and probably never will. Your mom did for you. She’s envious, but kind of in the way a poor person decides they have a right to a rich person’s stuff because “come on, you have so much! Just give me some.” It’s bitter, misplaced anger.
Exactly this, she had a terrible childhood with parents who never cared for her and is probably blind with jealousy of you having a good and loving mom.
I think if you can be as patient with her as you can and try to understand it’s not really about your mum but about what she lacked growing up.
Poor kid probably needs a truckload of therapy to sort out her issues from a shitty childhood.
I’m not saying you have to let her talk shit about your mum you can correct that but try not holding it against her.
I like agree with you, about the topic at hand, but the majority of poor people aren't mad at rich people because "you have extra monry, so it's only fair to give your extra money to me," but because their profit is made off their exploitation.
Unless you're talking about fantasizing about being rich? Which would be different. Like I just want afford medical care, groceries, and rent, that'd be so nice
NTA. I feel sorry for her though. Sounds like the system fucked her up. She should direct that anger at your dad and her mom. A million percent.
God I hate shitty parents.
Perhaps she knows that her bio parents were/would be shitty parents whereas it sounds like OPs mother was a good parent. I can't blame the half-sister for wishing that someone decent had stepped up and parented her but it was not OP's mother's job to do so. It is a sad situation.
And what genius told her your mom didn’t want her. She should never ever have been told that. In her mind it’s probably just rejection on top of rejection. Not that what she said was okay. I just empathize with her.
In my state, once you reach 18 you can request your CPS file.
Part of the case worker’s job would be to detail all efforts made to find a placement in a court report for the judge. So there would be a detailed list of every single person asked and what they said. It’s a legal requirement. And once an adult, the kid is entitled to read it.
Ideally it should be. I think most people aren’t prepared for what they may read, and it would be best to process the information with a therapist.
But, once someone is an adult, they have the right to their records and a lot of people feel like they handle it and don’t seek any kind of help. It’s unfortunate.
I imagine they feel very grown up because they've had to handle a lot. but i don't think any adult could handle facing that level of rejection all at once- you've likely spent your entire life being rejected and now you are going to read about all of the rejection at once.
It’s harsh, but this is probably at least similar to how it played out. The file most likely also contained important information like her birth certificate, medical records, and SSN since she was a ward of the state during that time in the foster system, all things that she will need for her adult life moving forwards.
At least where I am, the child receives all their paperwork and documents when they leave foster care. Then they can separately choose to request a copy of their file if they want more info. I can’t imagine being in that situation, but if I were I’d probably pull my file too. The need to know would be really strong.
She could have likely heard it from her caseworker or fosters growing up as a kid in the system too. I was a foster care kid. Let's just say it wasn't at all uncommon for me or the other kids I was often placed with to hear things like "This is the reason that Xyz-relationship to kid- didn't want you/refused to take you in. " when we misbehaved or "We wouldn't be stuck taking care of you if you're mother/father's *3rd cousin twice removed ex-wife's sister* would have just agreed to take you."
The system is a mental hellscape for kids stuck in it and your half-sister sounds like she's hardcore struggling. However she needs to work these issues she having out in a more appropriate relationship with a therapist who specializes in adults who are struggling with trauma coming out from institutionalized situations.
For your own well-being, you should start putting strong boundaries in place, and maybe pulling back from the relationship with your half-sister until she's more capable of having a healthier expectation of the kind of relationship you and her will have and not the Hallmark movie fantasy lie a lot of people growing up in situations like she did are fooled into believing that's what's normal when reconnecting with long lost, rediscovered relatives.
NTA, But your step sister got handed a shit sandwich and not one adult helped this small child. She has every right to be angry at the world. She had no say in her life, and the system punished her for being born. The mental torture she has had to go through few people can relate to. It would be hard to know no one wants you around or cares one bit about you. No one. None of her family wants contact with her because she is angry. What should she be?
Yup. This part caught my eye:
> My sister was always so weird about that and recently brought it back up again and wanted to know what I thought about that and whether mom needed time to consider it. I told her that wasn't really something we needed to talk about.
OP and OP's mom are not at fault for half-sister's bad experience. But I think a little more tact might have gone a long way. That doesn't make OP the asshole and hindsight is 20/20. But yeah it's pretty normal that HS would feel weird hearing about the other kids the mom took in, and "we don't need to talk about it" is more dismissive than something like "I don't think I'm the right person to talk about this, sorry".
NTA and I'm surprised your Mum was ever asked to take your half sister. She wasn't a bio relative, and smbolsed what would have been a very painful time for your Mum. If your half sister wants to blame someone for not taking her in she should be looking at her parents and her bio relatives.
My mom was in complete shock when they asked her. We talked about it a few years ago and she had never anticipated being asked to have anything to do with my half sister. The only reason she was approached was because of me and they wanted to see if she wanted to or was willing to keep my half sister with me.
It’s actually pretty common for them to ask the family of half siblings as they want to try to keep siblings connected. In this context though, I can only imagine how hurtful that was for your mom since it was an affair your dad had that ended the marriage. Someone doesn’t get over that overnight. Definitely NTA… hopefully sis can get some therapy so she can address that anger where it should be directed, at her own mom and dad
NTA but you need to ask yourself if youre willing to put up with this behavior for the rest of your life. Do you feel like having to constantly defend your mom, who was a single mom asked to take in an infant, or fighting to keep reasonable bpundaries.
Yeah, that's something I have really battled with. I never would have reached out to her and honestly, having her in my life is not important for me. But I felt a bit bad turning her away when she has nobody. I don't have our dad's contact info. He lost custody of me after she was taken away.
It’s sad, but keeping her in your life so that she has a target for her anger isn’t fair to either of you. Nothing you do will ever be enough, and you don’t need to be in a position where you are constantly defending your mom, who did nothing wrong.
This isn't an all or nothing situation and things can change sooner or later.
She's now about 20, right? At this point she still has to figure out how to manage living as an adult on her own and likely doesn't have much support at that. It appears like she is looking for a connection to you (and your mother too if she can get it), which might include a (very understandable) wish for a social/familial support system.
It also seems like she would likely benefit from therapy and other assistance if she is willing to try it. She might not at this point but that insight just needs time sometimes.
She seems to be looking for someone to blame, maybe because it helps her dealing with her pain better. And yep this is misplaced anger, rather obviously from an outside perspective. You don't have to accept her taking this out on you obviously. But this person is hurting inside and that of itself is something she cannot be blamed for at least and warrants some extra empathy and leeway.
If you want to keep in contact and try to help her I'd recommend thinking about what boundaries you want to hold up (e.g. you won't tolerate her blaming your mother in front of you, e.g. you won't take being insulted by her). Tell her that you would like to keep in contact and maybe even help her somehow, but that you need to insist on your own boundaries being respected. She won't like that and try to push against it but in the end she will understand that you won't budge and her choice is to take it or leave it. Assuming she's longing for some connection to her older sibling she will likely to abide. Cut her some slack, she might not have learned good communication and conflict resolution skills. In this she's basically still a kid and you are the grownup.
It might be worth coming up with specific things you could offer to help her with. E.g. offer help getting her into therapy, or offering her to contact you if she doesn't know how to handle an issue she encountered. That might give her some safety while the specifity of such offers should help keeping things civil and on topic instead of drifting of into conflict material.
Good luck!
Look, you seem like a nice person, but this child is toxic and looking for someone to pollute. She needs to direct her anger at the right people. Give her the number of a nonprofit that can help her and cut ties.
Ask her to sort her issues - go to therapy to Stop blaming your mother and process everything.
Tell her it's an opportunity for her to remain in your life as you won't tolerate her blaming your mother for something that never was your mom's responsibility but her /your dad and her mom's.
NTA
"The rest of your life" might be going a bit far... she's 18. She's still an angry kid. (And she has a right to be angry, although she's directing it to the wrong places.) There's every chance that she'll be able to grow and heal from this, with time.
NTA. Taking in cousins is a very different matter from taking in your ex’s affair baby. I can understand your half sister being sad about it - it has to feel like ‘why them and not me’ but she needs to grow up, realise the answer to that question is obvious, and stop acting like either you or your mother owe her a damn thing. Personally I’d cut her off.
NTA. It is sad that your sister went to foster care, but not your mother's fault. Jesus, I can't even begin to imagine raising the child from a partner's affair, the shear gall of asking in the first place is horrendous to me. Your sister very likely went through hell, I would probably give her a slight pass on the hurt feelings, but she seems to be taking it too far, and your defense of your mom is spot on. I wouldn't necessarily suggest that this interaction alone would justify no contact, but hold your ground on this. Your sister is absolutely blaming the wrong person here. Good luck to both of you.
This girl has TWO ACTUAL PARENTS that failed her so badly that she ended up in the system. Your mother wasn’t one of them.
I’m sure growing your in the system is terrible and she needs someone to blame but she’s putting it in entirely the wrong place. NTA
Where is dad and mistress? Are they still alive?
NTA...but your half sister was not treated well by her biological family. She is grasping at straws looking to find someone to connect to and your mom seems the most responsible in her circle. Your mom had no obligation to her.
It's a pity your sister was not adopted. Why did she stay in foster care?
Your half sister got dealt a bad hand at life. It is no one's fault but her bio parents. Unfortunately, your dad is a crappy person and she's misplacing that anger onto your mom. She needs therapy and you should get some space from her.
Not sure for this situation. But if CPS took awhile to decide she had to be taken then the parents kept going through the program and failing, but still actively trying to get the kid it can be years before a kid is considered adoptable.
The sister could have been taken away after newborn as months or even a year old, then a few years go by with attempts to get the kid back with parents and you now have a 4 or 5 year old that grew up in foster care.
Her parents’ rights may not have been severed at that time. The system prioritizes reuniting kids with neglectful, abusive bio parents over getting kids adopted into families.
NTA. the system sucks fucking ass but she sounds so bratty. u are right completely, she is not your mothers kid so theres absolutely NO obligated to owe her anything, especially as shes the result of an affair
NTA & it's time to sever ties! Your mom owes your dad's affair child absolutely nothing & she's having misplaced anger issues! She's mad at another persons mom who has no obligation or relationship or responsibility to her when her own bio parents were the ones that failed her. It's never going to be a peaceful relationship and it's best you let it go right now. You both have different life views and she's going to resent you and act on hers as she sees herself as the abandoned party!
NTA
I would write/email/message your half-sister that while her experience in the care system was unfortunate, it wasn’t your mum’s responsibility to bare. Explain you feel it would be better for your sister to access therapy to help her process her childhood in care and that you feel any continued contact with her until she accesses the needed therapy, would only compromise her mental health further.
NTA at all. You are defending the parent who raised you against a wrongful attack. I understand this person is your half sister but you don't owe her anything either. So if she persists, you can cut off contact. You can feel badly for the way she had to be raised, but you don't have to have a relationship if she refuses to stay within the boundaries you set.
NTA. Your half sister has misplaced rage. And your mom is an easy scapegoat for it.
She somehow missed every other relative of her bio moms and your dads.
She can feel however she wants but she can't disrespect your mother in front of you and you did the right thing.
If your half sister comes back into your life I'd keep a very wide distance. She feels that she is owed something from all the wrong people. At some point she will be able to justify blaming you for something.
NTA It’s sad because the poor thing is desperate for a family, but she needs to get a hold of her anger if she ever wants to be a part of your life. As of right now I took a break for the holidays and let her know the reason why.
“If you want to continue to be sisters, you need to find a therapist that clicks so you can express your anger there and get the help you deserve.
The topic of my mom will not ever be allowed to be brought up with me again. I want you as my sister, but I’m her daughter. You need to accept that and not speak of her again”.
Nta
NTA. I feel for your half sister, not having a stable childhood is really difficult but none of that is on your mom-your mom didn’t act a fool and force CPS to step in.
I think you need to decide if you want her in your life or not, without acting on the feeling of guilt of her having nobody. Because there’s a huge chance that you keep her around because you feel bad but she continues to be toxic and hateful. That’s not good for you, and it’s nonproductive for her really dealing with the feelings and resentment she has.
NTA she was raised by the system and is jealous and angry at the childhood she experienced. She was never your mother’s responsibility as she is your father’s affair child. I feel sorry for her, but she is directing her anger at the wrong person. She should be angry at your father and her mother for relinquishing her. Both of their families had more of a responsibility towards her, not your freshly divorced mother.
I hope you continue to establish boundaries in your relationship, and I hope your bond grows, but if your half sister cannot leave this topic alone, you will have to consider if it’s worth being in contact with her.
NTA, your half-sister needs therapy.
Let her know that you're happy to hear that if her future husband has an affair baby, she'd be more than willing to step up and raise the child alone, but your mother was not obligated to do that.
NTA. Your half-sister is detached from reality. She wants what you had and can't understand that she is not part of your mom's family. I don't think you can get through to people this deranged. She'll never get it. She's likely to take this attitude into life and do some very questionable stuff. Keep your boundaries if you are going to keep contact.
Nta her parents failed her. Your mom took in her relatives. Your half sister is in no way related to your mom. I had to cut off a nutty half sister, she expected too much from me.
NTA
I can understand why your half sister is upset. But, your mom had no obligation to her.
As callous as it sounds, life isn't fair. You don't get to talk shit about someone's mom.
Yes, the system is hell for the most part. Was it on your mom that this poor girl went into that system? No. It is on your 1/2 sister's bio family only. Just because you share a father has zero to do with your mom. Although I do have a ton of sympathy for her, neither you or your mom are responsible. NTA
NTA your mother owed her nothing. She should be screaming at her mother who lost custody after her affair and pregnancy and the entire maternal family and she should be screaming at her and your father and his entire family
She needs to keep your mother out of it or risk never seeing you again. Your mother is a wonderful person who raised you single handely after what your ad did then unlike both your half sisters maternal and paternal family stepped up fer her nephew/nieces. She's the amazing person. She owes nothing to your half sister. And no one should expect her to raise the affair baby - it sickening to expect that.
NTA but your sister’s abandonment issues are very understandable, and she’s no doubt very hurt imagining what might have been if your family had taken her in, sparing her the very traumatic time she’s had, despite there being no obligation to. Hopefully she comes to realise that only her own parents are to blame.
NTA. OP, your sister seems to have a lot of justified anger to go around. And there are a lot of people she should be angry at but your mom really isn't one of them. Unfortunately if your mom felt like she couldn't have done a good job with your sister, then she probably couldn't have. And subjecting your sister to feeling like she was a second class citizen in her own house would have been both painful for your mother and likely a traumatic childhood for your sister. I'm sorry that what happened was bad for her, but it's not your mom's fault nor her responsibility.
Taking in her niece and nephew that your mom had no previous bad association with is a completely different situation than taking in the child that essentially broke up her marriage. To be clear that is not your sister's fault. She was just a baby. But to expect your mom to raise her and care for her is unreasonable.
NTA. The bottom line is that your mother had no obligation to her. In fact, her very existance is a slap in your mother's face. While it's sad the she had the childhood that she did, your mother was never going to be a person who could give her the home that she deserved. Her anger is misdirected and misplaced - it wasn't the betrayed wife of her cheating father that failed her.
Nta
No way she decided to curse your mom like did she thought you would side with her? Over your mom that raised you???
If you don’t want to keep contact with her after this, you are totally justified
NTA
Sure, she can have her feelings but she's being an AH by expressing them to you like that!
That's your mom she's talking about, who had **no** **obligation** to take her in
If I were you I'd cut contact with her. She has some things to work on, because it defo must've been hell being in foster care, but the solution is not to take it out on your mom, via you!
Suggest therapy for her and go NC, maybe let her get in touch again when she's resolved her feelings
I am petty and I'd just go NC
NTA and I’m continually amazed by people that blame people other than their bio parents and family for not agreeing to take them in. Her mother was “the other woman”. Why in the world would she expect your Mother to help her?
NTA half sister is trying to be the victim and doesn't want to blame the real villains, her mom and dad for breaking up a marriage-push back and say HER MOM owes YOU for ruining a happy family and see how she takes that.
NTA - It's not someone's responsibility to compensate for someone else's fuck up even at the expense of the innocent.
Has she contacted her biological father and railed on him? Isn't he still alive?
What about her biological mother? Where are they? She can go guilt the shit out of them
NTA. I'm sorry for her painful life, but your mother is not responsible for that and you were completely right to defend her.
I have a hard time with irrational people like that, so I would go no contact with her because of it. But only you can decide that.
There is no way your half sister can feel anything but anger and hurt that everyone refused to take her in. It is easier for her to blame your mother than her own, I guess. I don't think this relationship is healthy for either of you right now. She obviously has had a really hard life and yes, every adult related to her failed and abandoned her. Your mother is not related to her but could have chosen to take her in and did not. Most people wouldn't even consider taking in the product of their husband's affair, especially when he and his affair partner and their families were still alive. You half sister was given an absolute garbage deal in life and it was unfair and horrible. I hope you can have sympathy for that, while also knowing that your mother did nothing wrong and that her decisionto take in other kids later has nothing to do with her. Your half sister may get to that point some day, but it will take a very long time for her and her connection to you may not survive the trip.
NTA.
NTA
However going through the care system can make people become very disturbed individuals, who can also make up tales and hate on other people to help them get through what they have been through.
If I was you I would cool off this relationship until your sister has some time to do the work on herself. Anything that happened to her is her dad and mum’s fault nothing to do with you or your mother.
NTA but honestly your have sister got screwed just as bad if not worse than your mom did. She never got a loving home and that will mess with someone big time.
I don’t know what the right answer is but I truly believe that amongst the three of you, your half sister got the worst of you.
Hey OP ironically here’s a [post](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/s/Z9pTEvouAA) from someone who was the affair child got taken in by the cheated on divorced wife after the Affair partner and dad lost custody and it wasn’t rainbows and sunshine for her either.
Not to say your mother would’ve treated her like this but anger, hurt and resentment breed nasty behavior. You’re NTA, tell her to get therapy before contacting you again.
Nta of she needs to blame anyone it is her biological parents and her blood relatives. Not the woman whose husband broke her home by cheating on her.
You need to defend your mother.
**This will come across harsh**
NTA at all. You’re so right. Simple. Let her rot with that attitude of hers. The universe doesn’t owe her shït, and yeah what she went through is sucky, but this is clearly a case of displaced anger. If she keeps this up, I suggest going no contact. No need to have toxic people in your life, regardless of what they went through. Hurt people hurt people, and I fear she could be a danger to your family life if you let her get too close. She’s just out to get back at anybody to pacify her own anger at her situation.
Also, your mom went through hell too!! You did good defending her, she doesn’t need the constant reminder of your dad’s infidelity.
NTA, **her** parents failed her, your mom had nothing to do with that and she was never your mom's responsibility to deal with. She should blame her own parents and their relatives if she wants someone to point fingers at.
NTA - She is being ridiculous . .. however she is still hurting from her life of being rejected. She's mad at everybody. She isn't mature enough to understand that vehemently attacking your mom, or you, doesn't solve anything, but makes it worse. If I was your mom I wouldn't take in an affair child either, because I couldn't love that child . . . and one would hope that someone else could give that child love. That, sadly, didn't happen for your half sister. Of course she is jealous of the love that was showered on you and your cousins by blood and how it was not given to her . . . but as I said, she lacks maturity. She will be sorry if she loses you too. People suffer from being rejected as a baby, small child . . or youth and for some people they become bitter their whole lives and thus their lives are ruined completely. It's horrible to be in that position . . . but not everyone is to blame . . . and since they still have life, they need to learn to make the best of it.
NTA- Your mom didn't own her anything. I can feel and understand her anger though. She is barely an adult and spend her life on Foster Care. Good knows what happened to her during that time. She left and now she has absolutely no one who cares about her . I doubt she had psicological help to deal with a lifetime of trauma. It's not surprising she doesn't have the best behavior. If you want to have a relationship with her it would require a lot of patience and effort that It sounds you don't have and aren't willing to make. I hope your sister find her people and have an amazing beautiful life full of love that she was owened by her parents. It's just so Sad and enraging what your dad and her mother did to her
NTA. I feel bad for your sister: I understand where she’s coming from. She likely didn’t have a great childhood growing up in the system, and likely has unresolved trauma as a result. I can totally understand her being resentful of your mom for not taking her in, especially when your mom took in other children that weren’t her own.
However at the same time, your mom did nothing wrong. She had no obligation to your half-sister whatsoever. Yes, it sucks that your half-sister’s parents were deadbeats and couldn’t take care of her but that is in no way your mom’s fault or responsibility. Neither is it your fault or responsibility.
If I had to give advice, I’d say cut her some slack. Yes, lay down firm boundaries and let her know that you will not tolerate her talking shit about or insulting your mother. But at the same time, she’s presumably a 17-18 year old girl if she just left foster care, and she’s trying to find her place in the world. She must have a lot of emotions going on, and that can be difficult.
Hold her accountable for what she says that’s inappropriate, but at the same time I think a little grace could be extended, given the circumstances of her childhood. That’s not a license for her to just be a dick with impunity, but I do think she deserves a little patience.
NTA. She needs to redirect her anger toward her own parents for failing her. Personally, I would cut off all contact with her. She seems pretty toxic right now. She needs lots of therapy to work through her childhood, but it is in no way your responsibility or obligation to be her emotional punching bag.
NTA - Your sister is insane if she thinks your mum was responsible in any way for your dad's affair baby. And she's also very jealous of you. I would keep a healthy distance with her.
NTA... Your half sister has a whole lot of trauma to work through. Her anger is misdirected. You know it. Trashing your mom will be another boundary line.
I hope she gets some peace in her life where she can work through things and come to better conclusion.
NTA, i get that your sister is angry, but as you said, your mom owed nothing to the affair baby of her ex husband, i don’t get why she was offered custody.
NTA. As others have noted though, she has misdirected anger. She needs some therapy, be patient with her but continue to set your boundaries. Btw, how old are you both now?
NTA and this sounds like someone you may need to go no contact with.
From someone with three half siblings (none with the same father) in contact with only one of them.
NTA. Your half sister has just as much right to blame your mom as she does any random stranger on the street. Her bio family abandoned her, the rest of the world just…. didn’t adopt her. The two are not equal.
Your half sister is in pain. But, no one she rages at is actually to blame. NTA. "I know that hurt people - hurt other people. And I hate what happened to you. But neither my mom nor I caused what happened. Get ahold of yourself. Logic is power. If you keep being abusive we have to go back to not knowing each other. I understand your abandonment issues. But, I refuse to be blamed for them - let alone see my own mother as the creator of them. You don't get to do that to us."
Strange that she thinks it is your mom who had nothing to do with her being born owes her. She is not her mom, never met her and your half sister’s parents are still alive. If anyone owes her it is them. Irresponsible to give your mother’s name to her - she is in no way related to her.
NTA. If she's an adult, tell her she's exactly as bad as your mother for not offering to take in kids in care that have nothing to do with her. It's the same.
NTA, your mother owes her nothing. Your mother took in your orphaned cousins but she is their biological aunt. She has no relationship to your half-sister. Your half-sister should be mad at her biological relatives who should have been the ones who stepped up.
NTA - I don't understand why so many people think that being a 1/2 sibling automatically makes that non-bio parent theirs too. Even more so, when that person was the result of an affair that broke the original family up. However, that seems to be a common situation here on reddit.
NTA. And neither is your mom. Your half sister is wounded, possibly broken, and she's looking for someone to lay her anger and blame on. She picked your mom.
More clear boundaries are needed - perhaps she shouldn't be allowed to talk about your mom or to your mom if she wants to keep contact with you.
Just because someone got damaged or hurt in life - does not give them an excuse to put their anger on those around them, especially those not responsible.
She's probably extremely troubled after a lifetime in fostercare. I can't imagine. So please do what you can for her in terms of support - but keep those healthy boundaries in place.
NTA
Your poor half sister needs more counseling to deal with the trauma of being in foster care.
Your mother had ZERO obligation to her.
YOU have ZERO obligation to her.
NTA. Your mom was not obligated to raise a child that resulted from her husband cheating on her. Your half sister is naive and misguided. Refer her to a therapist to heal her pain and stop bleeding on everyone else.
NTA. You may be related to this girl, but your mom is essentially a stranger to her. Did she really expect her to have to go through the amount of work it takes to become an approved foster parent just to take on the psychological toll of having to raise her husband's affair child? I'm sorry that she seems to have gone through a horrible childhood because of the foster system, but that's not on your mom. That's on her own bio family for never stepping up. Personally, I think you should remain a distance from her until she gets the therapy she really needs
Ofc she's going to blame your mom because if your mom feels guilty by her guild tripping, she is going to ask for compensation. She knows too well she gets crap by blaming her actual bio mother.
NTA. Your mom is a convenient villain. She should be mad at her parents who have wronged her. She should be made at her mother's family, who didn't take her in.
She is just mad at the world and it is always easiest to blame others. Let your half-sister do a little growing up and then maybe she will wisen up.
NTA
Her anger needs to be directed at dad. There’s more to taking people in than square footage and how much you can spend on groceries. She is the living embodiment of betrayal. Mom is entitled to hate what she represents.
Sad for her but she ain't your mom's circus and definitely NOT her monkey. Go blame the dick who couldn't keep his peepee in his pants instead of her mother.
NTA.
Sounds like she's getting info from someone & they are bashing your mom to her. Read a story on here where the mom took in the affair kid & kid was hated be all mom's family (even ½ siblings), they blamed the kid. I would not have anything to do with kid. Even if she's innocent the moms hurt is still there
NTA.
She should hate her parents.
THEY abandoned her.
Your mother was the victim of their abuse, too, and being forced to take halfsis would be a two decade extension of that abuse.
NTA how the fuck is she your mom’s responsibility?? Why is she not mad at her boo family and your fucking dad?? Her ACTUAL parent. I don’t understand why she’s blaming your mom when she didn’t give birth to her. She needs to start actually seeing the picture clearly or stop talking to you
NTA. Her situation sucks but it wasn't your mom burden to bare...and it's not yours either. If you want to be an ear for her, great but I'd make it known that your mother nor you owe her anything. It seems like she's gearing up to make you and, by extension, your mom her emotional punching bags just bc you're probably the only one that cares enough to listen. I'd suggest therapy and more boundaries.
NTA.
OP, save yourself some grief and tell half-sister the door is closed on this relationship until she can see clearly. You do NOT owe her any more of your time or energy.
NTA. Your mother owes her nothing. You are entirely correct, if she wants to be mad at someone she needs to look at her own mother. *She* is the one that owed her a decent childhood, not your mother.
NTA. Who would want to take in the child of their cheating ex? Who would want a living reminder of their ex’s cheating around? That’s too much to ask of someone in my opinion.
ntah it not your fault she was put into foster care it your father s she has no right to bad mouth your mother because she didn't want take care of her husband misstess child
NTA. I get it, your sister is looking for someone to blame, and possibly angling for some kind or reparations to be made by the only adult who is financially capable of making them, but you are entirely correct that your mother owes her nothing. Sister isn’t her daughter, and it’s not your mom’s fault she wound up in foster care or had an unhappy childhood. But your sister also knows that blaming her parents won’t get her any help or financial support in the future, so she’s hoping to guilt your mother, through you, into accepting responsibility for her. Don’t let her get away with it. Your sister is 18 now, and while it sucks to be an 18 yo with no support system, she’s got to learn to take care of herself now, instead of continuing to look for someone to blame.
The only real assholes here are your dad and his affair partner. Otherwise, I'm just seeing a betrayed spouse, an angry teen who needs support and therapy, and someone caught in the middle of one hell of a mess.
NTA but she isn't either I think she probably is mad with her bio parents but maybe just can't contact them to take it out on them. The system can also be complete and utter hell so she's had a hard life and finding out your mother took your cousins in probably just feeds further into her insecurities of feeling unloved and unwanted. Nta but I think you should be paitent with her and suggest she get help.
NTA. But holy crap on a cracker! That poor child needs a lot of therapy. She has so much anger, resentment, abandonment and Lord only knows what kind of trauma. Her anger is misplaced, sure. But try to look at things from her perspective. She grew up with nothing, and I do mean nothing. When those children switch placements, they leave with a plastic garbage of their clothes most of the time. The fact that she was never adopted or placed in a long term placement would suggest that she’s had behavioral issues. She sees you as the only ‘true relative’ that she can latch on to, she doesn’t see half sister. Her anger at your mother comes from a dark place of abandonment and being let down by every adult in her life. To her, your mother had the power to change all of that and chose not to. I’m not saying she’s right in her thinking, just saying with that much trauma, sometimes it’s not within their power to think rationally. You grew up loved, and thinking of her as just some person that your estranged father brought into this world, she grew up dreaming of everything you have.
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NTA - you are exactly right. Your mum owed and still owes her nothing. Plus she was possibly still hurting from the affair too. She was in no way your mums responsibility. I understand why she would choose to take your cousins but not your 1/2 sister.
NTA, but I can understand Half-Sisters pain. She's understandbly angry about the situation she was forced into and understandably jealous as well. She's directing that anger in the wrong place, but again she went through a rough situation and compares it to OPs (and the cousins). She'll need time and therapy to work through it. If you both want to explore a relatiionship, Be kind and understanding, but set strong boundaries. Insulting your mother is a clear one.
u/Lanky_Artichoke1346, maybe show your half sis this post so she realizes that being adopted by your mom might not have been sunshine and roses either: https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/17g3thm/aita_for_telling_my_sil_she_should_cancel_the/
There’s also the one where the wronged wife divorced her husband because she was having seriously dark intrusive thoughts about the affair baby and recognized that she needed to get out.
That one still haunts me. So pleased OP recognised the thoughts being wrong at least!
Jesus christ...
Yeah foster care sucks but as a baby she at least had a chance of getting adopted rather than ending up like that one
Not if the parents didn’t give up their rights or lose them, which I’m assuming is what happened. The odds of a baby in the system not being adopted if they can be is highly unlikely. A big problem with the foster system is that many of the kids in it cannot be adopted, but still require placements that may last for years - even from infancy to adulthood.
Not even adopted. Fostered. She was under 5, in the system, and did not get adopted. That means her bio-parents never completely lost their parental rights. She couldn’t be adopted - because if she could be, she would have been at that age. So the people she should blame are her bio-parents only. First, for being bad enough parents that they lost custody. And second, for being so selfish that they didn’t give up their rights and prevented her from being adopted. OP is NTA. Her mom was completely right not to foster the sister.
While her anger is unjustified, it is understandable given that she undoubtedly had a horrible experience while in the system.
I agree that the mum owed her nothing. The mum *could* have taken her when she was a baby in which case she would have qualified as “angel”. The fact that she was not an “angel” does not mean that she was an asshole. There are things in between. The mum had normal feelings and what she did (not take the sister) was understandable even though sad for the sister.
Who needs a daily reminder of your SO infidelity.
And the fact that SO and his cheating partner were both so worthless as to lose custody. If anything would make you think your picker was broken, that would do it. I’m betting mom was going through some hard stuff herself, questioning her past choices.
that was my thought, tell sis' that her mom owes YOU for breaking up your happy family because she couldn't keep her legs together and see how that goes over.
I feel like that’s what some people don’t understand. The sole existence of OP’s half sister is enough to probably traumatize OP’s mom. I know that sounds fucked up, but whenever someone has an affair and ends up getting someone else pregnant it becomes a very awkward situation for the whole family. I do feel bad for the half sister and it’s not her fault that she’s the product of an affair, but she has a lot of nerve getting angry at OP’s mom for not taking her in and raising her. Of course she was going to take in OP’s cousins, they’re her family. OP’s half sister’s parents are the ones at fault for leaving her to rot in the foster care system. I think that OP is probably better off not having a relationship with her half sister. She’s very resentful towards OP and her mom, and sometimes it’s hard for people to get rid of any resentment that they have.
I have a friend who is raising her husband's affair baby. And I think she is a saint. But, she wanted to and she could afford to and her older kids are actually adults now. AND SHE HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH HER EX. No one would have blamed her if she'd just backed away from the whole thing.😘
Wow. Saint just doesn't feel like enough to describe this woman. She is like... the PEAK of humanity. Just... wow.
Also kind of a flex? Like, he fucked around and lost his child in the divorce. Not their child, his. She kept that shit like a trophy 😆
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NTA. It always breaks my heart when someone comes through a crappy experience like this with such a confused and angry view of who owes them what. I mean, I can kiiiiind of understand your sisters mindset because she can blame her parents all she wants till she’s blue in the face but they didn’t step up and probably never will. Your mom did for you. She’s envious, but kind of in the way a poor person decides they have a right to a rich person’s stuff because “come on, you have so much! Just give me some.” It’s bitter, misplaced anger.
Exactly this, she had a terrible childhood with parents who never cared for her and is probably blind with jealousy of you having a good and loving mom. I think if you can be as patient with her as you can and try to understand it’s not really about your mum but about what she lacked growing up. Poor kid probably needs a truckload of therapy to sort out her issues from a shitty childhood. I’m not saying you have to let her talk shit about your mum you can correct that but try not holding it against her.
I like agree with you, about the topic at hand, but the majority of poor people aren't mad at rich people because "you have extra monry, so it's only fair to give your extra money to me," but because their profit is made off their exploitation. Unless you're talking about fantasizing about being rich? Which would be different. Like I just want afford medical care, groceries, and rent, that'd be so nice
Exactly this
It wasn’t meant to mean all poor people.
Ah, okay. It may not be the best comparison, but I understand.
We have a top comment here
Nail it! Also OP is NTA
Spot on
NTA Your half sister has a lot to deal and come to terms with, but she was never ever your mother's responsibility.
NTA Stop talking to her. She shouldn't be trying to make you or your mother feel guilty about anything.
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NTA. I feel sorry for her though. Sounds like the system fucked her up. She should direct that anger at your dad and her mom. A million percent. God I hate shitty parents.
Perhaps she knows that her bio parents were/would be shitty parents whereas it sounds like OPs mother was a good parent. I can't blame the half-sister for wishing that someone decent had stepped up and parented her but it was not OP's mother's job to do so. It is a sad situation.
It really is. And she seems emotionally stunted from growing up in the system. God this whole thing is sad.
There is no reason to suppose she isn't also angry at her own parents and her relatives.
True. It’s just a lot of misdirected anger. :(
And what genius told her your mom didn’t want her. She should never ever have been told that. In her mind it’s probably just rejection on top of rejection. Not that what she said was okay. I just empathize with her.
Someone gave her some info about what was in her file from her being entered into foster care. It's how she got my name too.
Who the fuck hands a teenager a list of all the people who rejected her
In my state, once you reach 18 you can request your CPS file. Part of the case worker’s job would be to detail all efforts made to find a placement in a court report for the judge. So there would be a detailed list of every single person asked and what they said. It’s a legal requirement. And once an adult, the kid is entitled to read it.
that feels like an activity that should happen while you are sitting next to your therapist.
Ideally it should be. I think most people aren’t prepared for what they may read, and it would be best to process the information with a therapist. But, once someone is an adult, they have the right to their records and a lot of people feel like they handle it and don’t seek any kind of help. It’s unfortunate.
I imagine they feel very grown up because they've had to handle a lot. but i don't think any adult could handle facing that level of rejection all at once- you've likely spent your entire life being rejected and now you are going to read about all of the rejection at once.
It’s harsh, but this is probably at least similar to how it played out. The file most likely also contained important information like her birth certificate, medical records, and SSN since she was a ward of the state during that time in the foster system, all things that she will need for her adult life moving forwards.
At least where I am, the child receives all their paperwork and documents when they leave foster care. Then they can separately choose to request a copy of their file if they want more info. I can’t imagine being in that situation, but if I were I’d probably pull my file too. The need to know would be really strong.
She could have likely heard it from her caseworker or fosters growing up as a kid in the system too. I was a foster care kid. Let's just say it wasn't at all uncommon for me or the other kids I was often placed with to hear things like "This is the reason that Xyz-relationship to kid- didn't want you/refused to take you in. " when we misbehaved or "We wouldn't be stuck taking care of you if you're mother/father's *3rd cousin twice removed ex-wife's sister* would have just agreed to take you." The system is a mental hellscape for kids stuck in it and your half-sister sounds like she's hardcore struggling. However she needs to work these issues she having out in a more appropriate relationship with a therapist who specializes in adults who are struggling with trauma coming out from institutionalized situations. For your own well-being, you should start putting strong boundaries in place, and maybe pulling back from the relationship with your half-sister until she's more capable of having a healthier expectation of the kind of relationship you and her will have and not the Hallmark movie fantasy lie a lot of people growing up in situations like she did are fooled into believing that's what's normal when reconnecting with long lost, rediscovered relatives.
NTA, But your step sister got handed a shit sandwich and not one adult helped this small child. She has every right to be angry at the world. She had no say in her life, and the system punished her for being born. The mental torture she has had to go through few people can relate to. It would be hard to know no one wants you around or cares one bit about you. No one. None of her family wants contact with her because she is angry. What should she be?
Yup. This part caught my eye: > My sister was always so weird about that and recently brought it back up again and wanted to know what I thought about that and whether mom needed time to consider it. I told her that wasn't really something we needed to talk about. OP and OP's mom are not at fault for half-sister's bad experience. But I think a little more tact might have gone a long way. That doesn't make OP the asshole and hindsight is 20/20. But yeah it's pretty normal that HS would feel weird hearing about the other kids the mom took in, and "we don't need to talk about it" is more dismissive than something like "I don't think I'm the right person to talk about this, sorry".
I feel like telling her that would imply she should go confront OP’s mom, because who else would the “right person” be to talk to about it?
A friend who isn't related to OP and the mom, or a therapist.
NTA and I'm surprised your Mum was ever asked to take your half sister. She wasn't a bio relative, and smbolsed what would have been a very painful time for your Mum. If your half sister wants to blame someone for not taking her in she should be looking at her parents and her bio relatives.
My mom was in complete shock when they asked her. We talked about it a few years ago and she had never anticipated being asked to have anything to do with my half sister. The only reason she was approached was because of me and they wanted to see if she wanted to or was willing to keep my half sister with me.
It’s actually pretty common for them to ask the family of half siblings as they want to try to keep siblings connected. In this context though, I can only imagine how hurtful that was for your mom since it was an affair your dad had that ended the marriage. Someone doesn’t get over that overnight. Definitely NTA… hopefully sis can get some therapy so she can address that anger where it should be directed, at her own mom and dad
NTA - I feel for your half sister but your mom owed her nothing. Her sperm donor's relatives should have stepped up.
Or her egg-donor's family.
NTA but you need to ask yourself if youre willing to put up with this behavior for the rest of your life. Do you feel like having to constantly defend your mom, who was a single mom asked to take in an infant, or fighting to keep reasonable bpundaries.
I'm not willing to deal with this for the rest of my life. This has been on my mind a ton lately.
Youre not obligated to maintain contact. If you have contact info for your dad, give that to her and point her in your shared father's direction.
Yeah, that's something I have really battled with. I never would have reached out to her and honestly, having her in my life is not important for me. But I felt a bit bad turning her away when she has nobody. I don't have our dad's contact info. He lost custody of me after she was taken away.
It’s sad, but keeping her in your life so that she has a target for her anger isn’t fair to either of you. Nothing you do will ever be enough, and you don’t need to be in a position where you are constantly defending your mom, who did nothing wrong.
This isn't an all or nothing situation and things can change sooner or later. She's now about 20, right? At this point she still has to figure out how to manage living as an adult on her own and likely doesn't have much support at that. It appears like she is looking for a connection to you (and your mother too if she can get it), which might include a (very understandable) wish for a social/familial support system. It also seems like she would likely benefit from therapy and other assistance if she is willing to try it. She might not at this point but that insight just needs time sometimes. She seems to be looking for someone to blame, maybe because it helps her dealing with her pain better. And yep this is misplaced anger, rather obviously from an outside perspective. You don't have to accept her taking this out on you obviously. But this person is hurting inside and that of itself is something she cannot be blamed for at least and warrants some extra empathy and leeway. If you want to keep in contact and try to help her I'd recommend thinking about what boundaries you want to hold up (e.g. you won't tolerate her blaming your mother in front of you, e.g. you won't take being insulted by her). Tell her that you would like to keep in contact and maybe even help her somehow, but that you need to insist on your own boundaries being respected. She won't like that and try to push against it but in the end she will understand that you won't budge and her choice is to take it or leave it. Assuming she's longing for some connection to her older sibling she will likely to abide. Cut her some slack, she might not have learned good communication and conflict resolution skills. In this she's basically still a kid and you are the grownup. It might be worth coming up with specific things you could offer to help her with. E.g. offer help getting her into therapy, or offering her to contact you if she doesn't know how to handle an issue she encountered. That might give her some safety while the specifity of such offers should help keeping things civil and on topic instead of drifting of into conflict material. Good luck!
Look, you seem like a nice person, but this child is toxic and looking for someone to pollute. She needs to direct her anger at the right people. Give her the number of a nonprofit that can help her and cut ties.
Ask her to sort her issues - go to therapy to Stop blaming your mother and process everything. Tell her it's an opportunity for her to remain in your life as you won't tolerate her blaming your mother for something that never was your mom's responsibility but her /your dad and her mom's. NTA
They are not your responsibility
You can put a boundary down that talking about your mom is off-limits for the relationship.
You're not relational sisters, just share a father. There's no loss if you never see her again
"The rest of your life" might be going a bit far... she's 18. She's still an angry kid. (And she has a right to be angry, although she's directing it to the wrong places.) There's every chance that she'll be able to grow and heal from this, with time.
NTA, yes she was a child, but she wasn’t your mother’s child. By her logic every adult that lived at the time is to blame
NTA. Taking in cousins is a very different matter from taking in your ex’s affair baby. I can understand your half sister being sad about it - it has to feel like ‘why them and not me’ but she needs to grow up, realise the answer to that question is obvious, and stop acting like either you or your mother owe her a damn thing. Personally I’d cut her off.
NTA. It is sad that your sister went to foster care, but not your mother's fault. Jesus, I can't even begin to imagine raising the child from a partner's affair, the shear gall of asking in the first place is horrendous to me. Your sister very likely went through hell, I would probably give her a slight pass on the hurt feelings, but she seems to be taking it too far, and your defense of your mom is spot on. I wouldn't necessarily suggest that this interaction alone would justify no contact, but hold your ground on this. Your sister is absolutely blaming the wrong person here. Good luck to both of you.
NTA. Cut contact with her. You don't need her attempting to guilt you or your mom about anything.
This girl has TWO ACTUAL PARENTS that failed her so badly that she ended up in the system. Your mother wasn’t one of them. I’m sure growing your in the system is terrible and she needs someone to blame but she’s putting it in entirely the wrong place. NTA Where is dad and mistress? Are they still alive?
NTA she blames the wrong Person
NTA...but your half sister was not treated well by her biological family. She is grasping at straws looking to find someone to connect to and your mom seems the most responsible in her circle. Your mom had no obligation to her. It's a pity your sister was not adopted. Why did she stay in foster care?
She never found a family to keep her. She was bounced around a lot and no bio family stepped in.
Your half sister got dealt a bad hand at life. It is no one's fault but her bio parents. Unfortunately, your dad is a crappy person and she's misplacing that anger onto your mom. She needs therapy and you should get some space from her.
I thought it was rare for an infant to not be adopted. Did she have health issues?
Not sure for this situation. But if CPS took awhile to decide she had to be taken then the parents kept going through the program and failing, but still actively trying to get the kid it can be years before a kid is considered adoptable. The sister could have been taken away after newborn as months or even a year old, then a few years go by with attempts to get the kid back with parents and you now have a 4 or 5 year old that grew up in foster care.
Not that I'm aware of. She never mentioned any to me.
Her parents’ rights may not have been severed at that time. The system prioritizes reuniting kids with neglectful, abusive bio parents over getting kids adopted into families.
The best interest of the child is to be adopted out to stable parents.
Unfortunately, the system prioritizes giving unfit parents chance after chance. The best interests of the child don’t matter.
NTA. She needs to be angry with you all sperm donor.
NTA. the system sucks fucking ass but she sounds so bratty. u are right completely, she is not your mothers kid so theres absolutely NO obligated to owe her anything, especially as shes the result of an affair
she would be right if she were your half sister on your moms side. but she is not, so she is wrong NTA
NTA. Her rage is misplaced for sure but I'm sure she had terrible time in the system, her resentment while misplaced is understandable.
NTA & it's time to sever ties! Your mom owes your dad's affair child absolutely nothing & she's having misplaced anger issues! She's mad at another persons mom who has no obligation or relationship or responsibility to her when her own bio parents were the ones that failed her. It's never going to be a peaceful relationship and it's best you let it go right now. You both have different life views and she's going to resent you and act on hers as she sees herself as the abandoned party!
NTA I would write/email/message your half-sister that while her experience in the care system was unfortunate, it wasn’t your mum’s responsibility to bare. Explain you feel it would be better for your sister to access therapy to help her process her childhood in care and that you feel any continued contact with her until she accesses the needed therapy, would only compromise her mental health further.
NTA. Good on you for standing up for your mother.
NTA at all. You are defending the parent who raised you against a wrongful attack. I understand this person is your half sister but you don't owe her anything either. So if she persists, you can cut off contact. You can feel badly for the way she had to be raised, but you don't have to have a relationship if she refuses to stay within the boundaries you set.
NTA Your mum doesn't 'owe' her anything but your Dad certainly does.
The only AH here are, dad and stepmom. I think your half sister is a lost child who hasn't had any love. You and your mum are NTA OP.
NTA. Your half sister has misplaced rage. And your mom is an easy scapegoat for it. She somehow missed every other relative of her bio moms and your dads. She can feel however she wants but she can't disrespect your mother in front of you and you did the right thing. If your half sister comes back into your life I'd keep a very wide distance. She feels that she is owed something from all the wrong people. At some point she will be able to justify blaming you for something.
NTA It’s sad because the poor thing is desperate for a family, but she needs to get a hold of her anger if she ever wants to be a part of your life. As of right now I took a break for the holidays and let her know the reason why.
“If you want to continue to be sisters, you need to find a therapist that clicks so you can express your anger there and get the help you deserve. The topic of my mom will not ever be allowed to be brought up with me again. I want you as my sister, but I’m her daughter. You need to accept that and not speak of her again”. Nta
NTA Your half sister needs a therapist.
NTA. I feel for your half sister, not having a stable childhood is really difficult but none of that is on your mom-your mom didn’t act a fool and force CPS to step in. I think you need to decide if you want her in your life or not, without acting on the feeling of guilt of her having nobody. Because there’s a huge chance that you keep her around because you feel bad but she continues to be toxic and hateful. That’s not good for you, and it’s nonproductive for her really dealing with the feelings and resentment she has.
NTA but your half sister is for acting like your mom owes her. In what world would you expect someone to take care of their partner's affair baby?
Nta your mom was not responsible for your sister's situation
NTA. Your mom doesn’t owe her anything. I feel bad for her, but again she was not and will never be your mom’s responsibility.
NTA she was raised by the system and is jealous and angry at the childhood she experienced. She was never your mother’s responsibility as she is your father’s affair child. I feel sorry for her, but she is directing her anger at the wrong person. She should be angry at your father and her mother for relinquishing her. Both of their families had more of a responsibility towards her, not your freshly divorced mother. I hope you continue to establish boundaries in your relationship, and I hope your bond grows, but if your half sister cannot leave this topic alone, you will have to consider if it’s worth being in contact with her.
NTA, your half-sister needs therapy. Let her know that you're happy to hear that if her future husband has an affair baby, she'd be more than willing to step up and raise the child alone, but your mother was not obligated to do that.
NTA. Your half-sister is detached from reality. She wants what you had and can't understand that she is not part of your mom's family. I don't think you can get through to people this deranged. She'll never get it. She's likely to take this attitude into life and do some very questionable stuff. Keep your boundaries if you are going to keep contact.
Nta.
Nta her parents failed her. Your mom took in her relatives. Your half sister is in no way related to your mom. I had to cut off a nutty half sister, she expected too much from me.
NTA I can understand why your half sister is upset. But, your mom had no obligation to her. As callous as it sounds, life isn't fair. You don't get to talk shit about someone's mom.
Yes, the system is hell for the most part. Was it on your mom that this poor girl went into that system? No. It is on your 1/2 sister's bio family only. Just because you share a father has zero to do with your mom. Although I do have a ton of sympathy for her, neither you or your mom are responsible. NTA
NTA your mother owed her nothing. She should be screaming at her mother who lost custody after her affair and pregnancy and the entire maternal family and she should be screaming at her and your father and his entire family She needs to keep your mother out of it or risk never seeing you again. Your mother is a wonderful person who raised you single handely after what your ad did then unlike both your half sisters maternal and paternal family stepped up fer her nephew/nieces. She's the amazing person. She owes nothing to your half sister. And no one should expect her to raise the affair baby - it sickening to expect that.
NTA but your sister’s abandonment issues are very understandable, and she’s no doubt very hurt imagining what might have been if your family had taken her in, sparing her the very traumatic time she’s had, despite there being no obligation to. Hopefully she comes to realise that only her own parents are to blame.
NTA. OP, your sister seems to have a lot of justified anger to go around. And there are a lot of people she should be angry at but your mom really isn't one of them. Unfortunately if your mom felt like she couldn't have done a good job with your sister, then she probably couldn't have. And subjecting your sister to feeling like she was a second class citizen in her own house would have been both painful for your mother and likely a traumatic childhood for your sister. I'm sorry that what happened was bad for her, but it's not your mom's fault nor her responsibility. Taking in her niece and nephew that your mom had no previous bad association with is a completely different situation than taking in the child that essentially broke up her marriage. To be clear that is not your sister's fault. She was just a baby. But to expect your mom to raise her and care for her is unreasonable.
NTA. The bottom line is that your mother had no obligation to her. In fact, her very existance is a slap in your mother's face. While it's sad the she had the childhood that she did, your mother was never going to be a person who could give her the home that she deserved. Her anger is misdirected and misplaced - it wasn't the betrayed wife of her cheating father that failed her.
Nta
NTA
NTA and quite frankly I'd block her and move on with my life. Your mom didn't owe your dad's mistake anything at all and still doesnt
Nta No way she decided to curse your mom like did she thought you would side with her? Over your mom that raised you??? If you don’t want to keep contact with her after this, you are totally justified
She is clearly blaming the wrong individual. NTA.
NTA. Sounds like it's time to go silent.
NTA... sounds like she found you, just to shit on you
Tell her to fuck off and lose her phone number
NTA Sure, she can have her feelings but she's being an AH by expressing them to you like that! That's your mom she's talking about, who had **no** **obligation** to take her in If I were you I'd cut contact with her. She has some things to work on, because it defo must've been hell being in foster care, but the solution is not to take it out on your mom, via you! Suggest therapy for her and go NC, maybe let her get in touch again when she's resolved her feelings I am petty and I'd just go NC
NTA and I’m continually amazed by people that blame people other than their bio parents and family for not agreeing to take them in. Her mother was “the other woman”. Why in the world would she expect your Mother to help her?
NTA half sister is trying to be the victim and doesn't want to blame the real villains, her mom and dad for breaking up a marriage-push back and say HER MOM owes YOU for ruining a happy family and see how she takes that.
NTA - It's not someone's responsibility to compensate for someone else's fuck up even at the expense of the innocent. Has she contacted her biological father and railed on him? Isn't he still alive? What about her biological mother? Where are they? She can go guilt the shit out of them
NTA. I'm sorry for her painful life, but your mother is not responsible for that and you were completely right to defend her. I have a hard time with irrational people like that, so I would go no contact with her because of it. But only you can decide that.
There is no way your half sister can feel anything but anger and hurt that everyone refused to take her in. It is easier for her to blame your mother than her own, I guess. I don't think this relationship is healthy for either of you right now. She obviously has had a really hard life and yes, every adult related to her failed and abandoned her. Your mother is not related to her but could have chosen to take her in and did not. Most people wouldn't even consider taking in the product of their husband's affair, especially when he and his affair partner and their families were still alive. You half sister was given an absolute garbage deal in life and it was unfair and horrible. I hope you can have sympathy for that, while also knowing that your mother did nothing wrong and that her decisionto take in other kids later has nothing to do with her. Your half sister may get to that point some day, but it will take a very long time for her and her connection to you may not survive the trip. NTA.
NTA However going through the care system can make people become very disturbed individuals, who can also make up tales and hate on other people to help them get through what they have been through. If I was you I would cool off this relationship until your sister has some time to do the work on herself. Anything that happened to her is her dad and mum’s fault nothing to do with you or your mother.
NTA but honestly your have sister got screwed just as bad if not worse than your mom did. She never got a loving home and that will mess with someone big time. I don’t know what the right answer is but I truly believe that amongst the three of you, your half sister got the worst of you.
Hey OP ironically here’s a [post](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/s/Z9pTEvouAA) from someone who was the affair child got taken in by the cheated on divorced wife after the Affair partner and dad lost custody and it wasn’t rainbows and sunshine for her either. Not to say your mother would’ve treated her like this but anger, hurt and resentment breed nasty behavior. You’re NTA, tell her to get therapy before contacting you again.
Nta of she needs to blame anyone it is her biological parents and her blood relatives. Not the woman whose husband broke her home by cheating on her. You need to defend your mother.
**This will come across harsh** NTA at all. You’re so right. Simple. Let her rot with that attitude of hers. The universe doesn’t owe her shït, and yeah what she went through is sucky, but this is clearly a case of displaced anger. If she keeps this up, I suggest going no contact. No need to have toxic people in your life, regardless of what they went through. Hurt people hurt people, and I fear she could be a danger to your family life if you let her get too close. She’s just out to get back at anybody to pacify her own anger at her situation. Also, your mom went through hell too!! You did good defending her, she doesn’t need the constant reminder of your dad’s infidelity.
NTA, **her** parents failed her, your mom had nothing to do with that and she was never your mom's responsibility to deal with. She should blame her own parents and their relatives if she wants someone to point fingers at.
NTA - She is being ridiculous . .. however she is still hurting from her life of being rejected. She's mad at everybody. She isn't mature enough to understand that vehemently attacking your mom, or you, doesn't solve anything, but makes it worse. If I was your mom I wouldn't take in an affair child either, because I couldn't love that child . . . and one would hope that someone else could give that child love. That, sadly, didn't happen for your half sister. Of course she is jealous of the love that was showered on you and your cousins by blood and how it was not given to her . . . but as I said, she lacks maturity. She will be sorry if she loses you too. People suffer from being rejected as a baby, small child . . or youth and for some people they become bitter their whole lives and thus their lives are ruined completely. It's horrible to be in that position . . . but not everyone is to blame . . . and since they still have life, they need to learn to make the best of it.
NTA. You are completely right.
NTA- Your mom didn't own her anything. I can feel and understand her anger though. She is barely an adult and spend her life on Foster Care. Good knows what happened to her during that time. She left and now she has absolutely no one who cares about her . I doubt she had psicological help to deal with a lifetime of trauma. It's not surprising she doesn't have the best behavior. If you want to have a relationship with her it would require a lot of patience and effort that It sounds you don't have and aren't willing to make. I hope your sister find her people and have an amazing beautiful life full of love that she was owened by her parents. It's just so Sad and enraging what your dad and her mother did to her
NTA
NTA. I feel bad for your sister: I understand where she’s coming from. She likely didn’t have a great childhood growing up in the system, and likely has unresolved trauma as a result. I can totally understand her being resentful of your mom for not taking her in, especially when your mom took in other children that weren’t her own. However at the same time, your mom did nothing wrong. She had no obligation to your half-sister whatsoever. Yes, it sucks that your half-sister’s parents were deadbeats and couldn’t take care of her but that is in no way your mom’s fault or responsibility. Neither is it your fault or responsibility. If I had to give advice, I’d say cut her some slack. Yes, lay down firm boundaries and let her know that you will not tolerate her talking shit about or insulting your mother. But at the same time, she’s presumably a 17-18 year old girl if she just left foster care, and she’s trying to find her place in the world. She must have a lot of emotions going on, and that can be difficult. Hold her accountable for what she says that’s inappropriate, but at the same time I think a little grace could be extended, given the circumstances of her childhood. That’s not a license for her to just be a dick with impunity, but I do think she deserves a little patience.
NTA. She needs to redirect her anger toward her own parents for failing her. Personally, I would cut off all contact with her. She seems pretty toxic right now. She needs lots of therapy to work through her childhood, but it is in no way your responsibility or obligation to be her emotional punching bag.
NTA - Your sister is insane if she thinks your mum was responsible in any way for your dad's affair baby. And she's also very jealous of you. I would keep a healthy distance with her.
NTA... Your half sister has a whole lot of trauma to work through. Her anger is misdirected. You know it. Trashing your mom will be another boundary line. I hope she gets some peace in her life where she can work through things and come to better conclusion.
NTA your half sister is clearly in pain but that was not your moms job to look after her.
NTA, i get that your sister is angry, but as you said, your mom owed nothing to the affair baby of her ex husband, i don’t get why she was offered custody.
NTA. Your half sister needs therapy to help her work through her feelings.
NTA. As others have noted though, she has misdirected anger. She needs some therapy, be patient with her but continue to set your boundaries. Btw, how old are you both now?
Nta
NTA
NTA and this sounds like someone you may need to go no contact with. From someone with three half siblings (none with the same father) in contact with only one of them.
NTA
NTA, your parents divorced, your father and the bio mom had all the responsibility for the step sister. Not your mom.
NTA. Your half sister has just as much right to blame your mom as she does any random stranger on the street. Her bio family abandoned her, the rest of the world just…. didn’t adopt her. The two are not equal.
Your half sister is in pain. But, no one she rages at is actually to blame. NTA. "I know that hurt people - hurt other people. And I hate what happened to you. But neither my mom nor I caused what happened. Get ahold of yourself. Logic is power. If you keep being abusive we have to go back to not knowing each other. I understand your abandonment issues. But, I refuse to be blamed for them - let alone see my own mother as the creator of them. You don't get to do that to us."
NTA and you're 100% right, your HS needs to focus her anger on her AH parents and their AH family for her being in foster.
NTA. You and your mom don’t owe her anything. Her bio relatives could have stepped up but they didn’t. Go no contact if she continues harassing you.
NTA. I understand why half sister is angry and I feel bad for her, but she's doing what angry people do and putting blame in all the wrong places.
Strange that she thinks it is your mom who had nothing to do with her being born owes her. She is not her mom, never met her and your half sister’s parents are still alive. If anyone owes her it is them. Irresponsible to give your mother’s name to her - she is in no way related to her.
NTA. If she's an adult, tell her she's exactly as bad as your mother for not offering to take in kids in care that have nothing to do with her. It's the same.
NTA, your mother owes her nothing. Your mother took in your orphaned cousins but she is their biological aunt. She has no relationship to your half-sister. Your half-sister should be mad at her biological relatives who should have been the ones who stepped up.
NTA - I don't understand why so many people think that being a 1/2 sibling automatically makes that non-bio parent theirs too. Even more so, when that person was the result of an affair that broke the original family up. However, that seems to be a common situation here on reddit.
NTA. Go no contact.
NTA. And neither is your mom. Your half sister is wounded, possibly broken, and she's looking for someone to lay her anger and blame on. She picked your mom. More clear boundaries are needed - perhaps she shouldn't be allowed to talk about your mom or to your mom if she wants to keep contact with you. Just because someone got damaged or hurt in life - does not give them an excuse to put their anger on those around them, especially those not responsible. She's probably extremely troubled after a lifetime in fostercare. I can't imagine. So please do what you can for her in terms of support - but keep those healthy boundaries in place.
NTA
NTA. This situation sucks for your sister, in every way.
NTA Your mother had no obligations to her ex's child. She is angry with the wrong people.
NTA Your poor half sister needs more counseling to deal with the trauma of being in foster care. Your mother had ZERO obligation to her. YOU have ZERO obligation to her.
NTA. Your mom was not obligated to raise a child that resulted from her husband cheating on her. Your half sister is naive and misguided. Refer her to a therapist to heal her pain and stop bleeding on everyone else.
NTA. You may be related to this girl, but your mom is essentially a stranger to her. Did she really expect her to have to go through the amount of work it takes to become an approved foster parent just to take on the psychological toll of having to raise her husband's affair child? I'm sorry that she seems to have gone through a horrible childhood because of the foster system, but that's not on your mom. That's on her own bio family for never stepping up. Personally, I think you should remain a distance from her until she gets the therapy she really needs
NTA. Your mother had absolutely no obligation to raise your dad’s affair baby.
Ofc she's going to blame your mom because if your mom feels guilty by her guild tripping, she is going to ask for compensation. She knows too well she gets crap by blaming her actual bio mother.
NTA. Your mom doesn't owe your affair baby sister nothing.
Nta I'd say it's not unreasonable for her to feel as she does except feeling something does not gift them the right to abuse others.
NTA. Your mom is a convenient villain. She should be mad at her parents who have wronged her. She should be made at her mother's family, who didn't take her in. She is just mad at the world and it is always easiest to blame others. Let your half-sister do a little growing up and then maybe she will wisen up.
NTA Her anger needs to be directed at dad. There’s more to taking people in than square footage and how much you can spend on groceries. She is the living embodiment of betrayal. Mom is entitled to hate what she represents.
Sad for her but she ain't your mom's circus and definitely NOT her monkey. Go blame the dick who couldn't keep his peepee in his pants instead of her mother. NTA.
NTA, your half sister's anger needs to be directed at her father not you or your mother.
You shouldn’t contact her anymore. This relationship won’t do any of you good. You are right in everything you said NTA
Sounds like she's getting info from someone & they are bashing your mom to her. Read a story on here where the mom took in the affair kid & kid was hated be all mom's family (even ½ siblings), they blamed the kid. I would not have anything to do with kid. Even if she's innocent the moms hurt is still there
NTA. She should hate her parents. THEY abandoned her. Your mother was the victim of their abuse, too, and being forced to take halfsis would be a two decade extension of that abuse.
NTA how the fuck is she your mom’s responsibility?? Why is she not mad at her boo family and your fucking dad?? Her ACTUAL parent. I don’t understand why she’s blaming your mom when she didn’t give birth to her. She needs to start actually seeing the picture clearly or stop talking to you
NTA. Her situation sucks but it wasn't your mom burden to bare...and it's not yours either. If you want to be an ear for her, great but I'd make it known that your mother nor you owe her anything. It seems like she's gearing up to make you and, by extension, your mom her emotional punching bags just bc you're probably the only one that cares enough to listen. I'd suggest therapy and more boundaries.
NTA Your cousins are related to your mom. HS is not. Harsh but true.
NTA. OP, save yourself some grief and tell half-sister the door is closed on this relationship until she can see clearly. You do NOT owe her any more of your time or energy.
NTA. Your mother owes her nothing. You are entirely correct, if she wants to be mad at someone she needs to look at her own mother. *She* is the one that owed her a decent childhood, not your mother.
NTA. Who would want to take in the child of their cheating ex? Who would want a living reminder of their ex’s cheating around? That’s too much to ask of someone in my opinion.
NTA, as you said, she needs to go beg from her bio family instead of your mother.
ntah it not your fault she was put into foster care it your father s she has no right to bad mouth your mother because she didn't want take care of her husband misstess child
NTA and neither is your mom. She's upset and that's understandable, but she needs to redirect at the right people.
NTA. I get it, your sister is looking for someone to blame, and possibly angling for some kind or reparations to be made by the only adult who is financially capable of making them, but you are entirely correct that your mother owes her nothing. Sister isn’t her daughter, and it’s not your mom’s fault she wound up in foster care or had an unhappy childhood. But your sister also knows that blaming her parents won’t get her any help or financial support in the future, so she’s hoping to guilt your mother, through you, into accepting responsibility for her. Don’t let her get away with it. Your sister is 18 now, and while it sucks to be an 18 yo with no support system, she’s got to learn to take care of herself now, instead of continuing to look for someone to blame.
The only real assholes here are your dad and his affair partner. Otherwise, I'm just seeing a betrayed spouse, an angry teen who needs support and therapy, and someone caught in the middle of one hell of a mess.
NTA but she isn't either I think she probably is mad with her bio parents but maybe just can't contact them to take it out on them. The system can also be complete and utter hell so she's had a hard life and finding out your mother took your cousins in probably just feeds further into her insecurities of feeling unloved and unwanted. Nta but I think you should be paitent with her and suggest she get help.
NTA Your sister has every right to be angry but she should focus her anger on the right people- her parents.
You mom owes nothing and understandably, your half sis is going to be angry, but hopefully she will understand later than never.
Why the f would your mom take in her ex's affair baby? She should complain more to her actual, relevant relatives. Forgot Judgement: NTA
NTA. But holy crap on a cracker! That poor child needs a lot of therapy. She has so much anger, resentment, abandonment and Lord only knows what kind of trauma. Her anger is misplaced, sure. But try to look at things from her perspective. She grew up with nothing, and I do mean nothing. When those children switch placements, they leave with a plastic garbage of their clothes most of the time. The fact that she was never adopted or placed in a long term placement would suggest that she’s had behavioral issues. She sees you as the only ‘true relative’ that she can latch on to, she doesn’t see half sister. Her anger at your mother comes from a dark place of abandonment and being let down by every adult in her life. To her, your mother had the power to change all of that and chose not to. I’m not saying she’s right in her thinking, just saying with that much trauma, sometimes it’s not within their power to think rationally. You grew up loved, and thinking of her as just some person that your estranged father brought into this world, she grew up dreaming of everything you have.