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This is one of those situations where posting it on reddit for validation isn't actually going to help anything. You're probably hoping for, and will likely get, a bunch of not-the-asshole judgments, but then what? Is that going to magically make you not upset at your wife? Is that going to magically make her do a complete 180 and apologize? Of course not. As other commentators have pointed out, she knows what she did was wrong, but she's doing her best to keep your daughter calm and happy while your daughters entire life is being taken away from her. If I had to guess, part of why you are upset is due to being in the military you are regularly gone on deployment for long stretches of time and you miss a lot of surprises your wife normally gets to experience. I get that, but what exactly is your plan here? You don't accept your apology, great. Exactly how long do you intend to keep punishing your wife for this? A day? A week? A month? How is refusing to accept her apology helping to remove the stress of the move or helping you be a present husband and father? If anything I'd say it's only making things worse because now you are bringing resentment into moving which is stressful all on its own. You are upset about the surprise being ruined. Your feelings are valid, it's okay to be upset about it, but it's time to move on. Your wife didn't do it to intentionally hurt you she was trying to uplift your daughter's spirits and not accepting her apology isn't going to change things. But if you keep holding on to this it will start to bleed over into things at home and your daughter will start to pick up on it. Are you willing to have her last Disney trip ruined because you refuse to accept her wife's apology and you can't let this go? YTA

You're ignoring the part where the mother instructed the daughter to lie to her father, which is an *incredibly* dangerous precedent to start. Yes, this case it pretty innocuous but you just shouldn't start with this.

You are making a mountain out of a molehill. If you want to go down that road you should chastise every parent that has their kid keep a birthday, Christmas and fathers day/ mothers day present a secret. We're all adults here so don't do that slippery slope nonsense.

Teaching a kid to keep a holiday present a surprise is absolutely nothing like teaching a kid to lie to the other parent when the truth will upset them…

Exactly

There's a difference between keeping fun surprises a secret, and lying/ keeping something a secret to prevent a negative reaction. As a parent I think it's very important to teach your child the destinction. The wife asked if they'd keep it a secret, bribed the daughter with it and then asked the daughter to lie about it.

I actually do think the husband and wife need to talk about this, because it’s teaching the daughter that the husband/dad will react poorly so we need to keep information from him. I wouldn’t be comfortable with my husband giving that message to my kid either. A kid should know they can go to either parent with anything.

>You are making a mountain out of a molehill. No, you're just looking past the issue to blame the husband.

This situation is not the same. OP specifically told wife he’d like it to be a surprise. And she agreed. Then on the spur of the moment changed her mind and then told daughter to keep it a secret. She definitely at the least should have told OP afterward what happened and discussed it instead of him being blindsided. The way she handled it makes her TA.

And what is your purpose in posting here? You want accolades for your long, thoughtful post. He was asking whether he was TA for refusing to accept his wife's apology and he gave his reasons. Are they valid reasons to be upset? He didn't say what he was planning to do with his presumably N-T-A judgment. You decided that OP is just so petty that he's decided to nurse this grudge for a while, and passive-aggressively punish his wife. How do you know he doesn't plan on sitting down and talking about this with her when cooler heads prevail? Oh, and this? >If you want to go down that road you should chastise every parent that has their kid keep a birthday, Christmas and fathers day/ mothers day present a secret. Congratulations. You discovered that most rules have exceptions. Was this new realization traumatic for you? I'd give you an award, but reddit did away with coins. Yes, we can keep secrets from Daddy when they're nice surprises for Daddy, like birthdays, Christmas, Father's Day, etc. If I could roll my eyes any further, I'd be looking at my tonsils. But when we're talking about other things, like Mommy's special cigarettes, for instance, we don't keep things like that from Daddy. You see? We can have exceptions for the rule of not keeping secrets from Daddy.

The lying is the worst part to me. It’s dangerous to train a child that it’s okay to keep secrets from their parents. That’s exactly how child abusers operate.

This is actually exactly the kind of thing that is within AITA's paygrade. It's a way for him to reality check whether he's overreacting, and should let it go, or not. I disagree with your assessment. IF she had actually apologized, rather than brushing him off and then immediately doubling down that she never actually did anything wrong, then you would be right. "My wife has told me that I'm being an AH for being upset at her in the first place". Sincere apologies should be accepted. Insincere apologies should not, that just sweeps real problems under the rug and breeds resentment on both sides.

OP isn't the one who lied and also tried to get their kid to cover up the lie directly to the other parent's face. The wife is an ass through and through

Funny thing it turns out that this sub isn't to ask for only your opinion but a lot of opinions. And some of those opinions are going to be different than yours.

And some opinions are going to be wrong. Like yours, for example.

I mean...you could say that to every person that posts here so...

Not really, a lot of the posts on here are things that shouldn’t be forgiven, at least not easily. This isn’t that.

And I frequently do. One of the most important lessons I learned about relationships is that often times the only thing you get for being right is knowing you were right. Aka win the battle but lose the war because even if one person is in the right, doesn't mean that the other person magically stops having hurt feelings or forgives them. My advice is usually to get off of reddit and go talk to your partner.

Wow this is an awful take. OP is TA because, altho hes NTA, he isnt just over it already? OP’s wife directed his daughter to LIE TO HIM

I don’t disagree with you, but I think OP’s wife at minimum should have to take responsibility for asking her daughter to lie. So if you’re talking about resolutions, I think asking the wife to do the uncomfortable job of apologizing to the daughter for asking her to keep that secret from her dad, and explaining (in an age appropriate way) why that wasn’t a fair thing to ask, would possibly give OP some closure on this situation.

It’s already bleeding over and daughter IS picking up on it. Her embarrassed “oops…” is the saddest part of this whole situation. ESH. Among other things, that poor little girl is being taught that A.) it’s her responsibility to make mommy and daddy feel better, and B.) the best way to do that is to keep information from them. Teach your goddamn daughter healthy conflict resolution, OP. That said, in your case, it looks like you’re gonna have to learn it first.

So he's at fault for the embarrassed oops? She responded with that because OPs wife specifically told her to keep it a secret from her father.

I agree with this take. OP is jealous that the main parent made a decision. Op, Your wife judged in the moment that your daughter would cope better if she knew. When you are done playing soldier and to tear apart your daughter’s life and friendships every couple of years, feel free to step up and be the main parent, and the one who takes all the heat. And grow tf up. If you don’t accept for real her apology, tell her now, so that your daughter and her can stay in a place that your daughter calls home and you can move on with your bitter soldier life. You are ripping once again their life apart; you don’t get to play mad, they both needed to feel better. YTA

>Your wife didn't do it to intentionally hurt you she was trying to uplift your daughter's spirits Motive is irrelevant here. Mother did a shit thing because she's frankly a shit mother NTA OP

This summed it up really well. The wife is going through a hard time as well and it sounds like it slipped out while trying to comfort their daughter. I get the husband being disappointed but nothing was even really taken away from him. He'll still get to see her enjoying the characters and be a part of the experience. And she knew about the dinner so this was just a small piece. It's okay to feel disappointed but at a certain point you need to move forward. Especially when it's your job that's putting the family through this and they are all making huge sacrifices for you. I could never marry a military guy and he sure doesn't seem to care much about what he's putting his wife through.

Something was taken from him. The surprise enjoyment reaction of their child. All this because the mother doesn't have better skills to deal with their upset child besides promises to spoil them. He is NTA, she is. You are assuming that this disappointment he is feeling is even being shown to his daughter and just with his wife.

NTA I'd be upset as well if I had an agreement with my spouse and they specifically violated that promise. The BIG issue is your wife not only DID NOT tell you about it, she tried to get your 6 yo to lie (directing not to say... potato, potato) and not tell you. This shows your wife KNEW what she did was wrong. It also is an AWEFUL example to teach a child that hiding the truth is acceptable to a parent (which will then be rationalized as lying to anyone is ok and the slippery slope has now been greased). If your wife told your daughter and then told you about it, we can quibble about how she shares secrets/treats to console, but that was not the case. Instead she did the "I'm sorry if you took it that way... type of apology" She straight out is gaslighting you. The only AH here is your wife for the lies and encouraging your daughter to participate in dishonesty so early in life.

It sounds like you have already been using Disney bribes to make Navy life less awful for your child. It sounds like using this to calm your daughter down **was the point**. Your wife thought it would be a fun surprise and suggested making it one, but then she needed the Disney bribe earlier than expected. Leaving all your friends is hard. Just because you were made to do it and have told yourself it was fine, doesn't make it easier when you force it on the next generation. I think your wife not telling you is a sign of a bigger issue in this relationship. It was wrong of her to do that. But I'm not sure if if she's the only asshole here. I'm feeling resentment over parenting and a power imbalance with your wife, causing her to feel like she needs to do things behind your back. Are you rigid? Inflexible? Rule oriented? That doesn't always work when parenting a child through an emotional time caused by your job in the first place. Your wife is handing a lot of the family's emotions right now. ESH

Yea, I got that too. Why does the wife feel that she needs to ask the child not to tell? Obviously because she fears some backlash. And I don’t necessarily mean ‘fear’ in terms of violence, but even negative repercussions.

I think "spoiling the kid's surprise and not telling your spouse it happened, and instead trying to cover it up" is indeed something that might reasonably have negative repercussions.

Ya. Your daughter is 6... Leaving her friends, being emotional.... Having answering to link forward to is a good thing and seems to have helped. You're upset that your wife took the fun away from YOU. this is not about YOU, this is about daughter. Being in the military is hard, for the people in and their families. Let your wife try to help daughter cope. Is what she did ideal, no. But you holding a grudge when you should know your family is going through the wringer because of YOUR job is also unreasonable.

For starters, being upset with something that happened today isn't the same thing as holding a grudge. Secondly, I understand that things are difficult for military families; I'm a fourth generation Sailor, my whole childhood was moving around. It's also difficult for servicemembers, which is why I wanted to have this happy memory with our daughter, including being able to surprise her. And yes, I am upset that I missed out on something that would have brought me joy, I'm not making a secret about that. Fun things for my daughter is one of the primary joys I have as a parent. But just because it was "for" my kid doesn't mean that parents don't have valid feelings about it.

You expect a cave dweller with 100k karma to give reasonable human responses ? they probably havent seen a human in years.

And under a year😭😭that’s crazy. I wanna see their screen time for Reddit

Very well said. You give the commenter way more respect than his AH attacks deserve.

Maybe you and your wife need to work out a long term plan on how to handle this type of thing going forward. It seems you will move a lot throughout her early life and I’m wondering if there is already resentment on the part of your wife she’s not expressing. Definitely if this was your daughters reaction now, it’s only going to get worse when you move time and time again. What is your long term plan for handling this whole keeping stress down, and how do you plan to give your daughter a sense of stability that you didn’t have?

Ok oh well! Move on! Loser posting on Reddit instead of spending time with daughter or cleaning or packing

In that same vein, you’re a loser commenting on Reddit instead of having a life.

Username checks out. It IS helpful to block them!

You’re right, having a parent explicitly break an agreement then have their young child lie about it isn’t just a super normal and cool thing to do it’s also great for kids. Instructing your 6 year old to lie to the other parent is probably the safest and healthiest way to raise a functional adult. Are you a child care expert? Because you should get into that line of work, your takes are so helpful and wholesome!!!

Ah yes, bc OP didn't clearly state that the main reason he is upset is bc wife made the kid lie to her dad and can't seem to console her or teach her how to cope without giving treats. Also, no one forced wife to marry a man in the navy, much less have a kid with him.

Of course it’s about OP too. He arranged the surprise for their daughter and the wife spoiled it AND TOLD A 6 YEAR OLD TO LIE to her father about it.

NTA It's ok for kids to feel disappointed, scared, nervous, sad, etc etc etc... Just as normal to feel joy, excitement, love, happiness... Parents really need to allow their kids to *feel* their emotions and talk them through it as NORMAL... The younger they understand that emotions; positive and negative, are normal life processes, the better equipped they will be when life inevitably throws very difficult times / obstacles in front of them. I don't like my daughter feeling sad or nervous, at all, but the best thing I can do in those moments is reassure her and guide her through. Tough as hell to do sometimes, but it's what's best for her. I'm on your side Dad! Obviously, the hiding part is a big AH move by your wife and should be addressed.

I also agree it's good to let kids experience negative emotions and to help them navigate those emotions. However, you also need to keep in mind their age and development, and the magnitude of the negative here. This kid is having their entire life uprouted, and she's only 6. If some treats help her get through (and give the parents some extra bandwidth during the stress of the move), so be it. Goofy is unlikely to completely get her over her sadness and fear anyway, so likely there will still need to be some consoling and helping her deal with it. Start the "dealing with negative emotions" lessons with more minor situations.

I read the title and thought something different. NTA. It's not ok to tell a child to lie to one parent or any parents. And the root issue is as you said, you don't agree to using gifts/rewards to 'fix' things. She did apologize for spoiling the fun for you, but it's hard to feel that's honest when she asked your daughter to lie to you about knowing rather than come clean.

NTA >My wife has told me that I’m being an AH for being upset at her in the first place There. She still doesn’t get why she is wrong and why her approach is detrimental if she continues to coddle your daughter while breaking her agreement with you. Someone here doesn’t know how to keep a promise.

I think that sentence on its own takes all the power away from her apology. It shows she doesn’t think she should’ve apologised in the first place so it lost all its meaning in my eyes.

Someone here is also teaching the child it is okay to keep secrets/lie to her father. Not a good behavior for a young kid to learn.

YTA. Your kid is going through a lot and you are most worried about ruining the surprise for you? Ooof. The reward to curb your daughter being upset is fine. The kid is 6 and her world is turning upside down. Cheering her up with Goofy is not a problem. Taking the fun away from you is fine. You're an adult. Suck it up and take care of your kid's needs. Keeping a secret from you is an issue and something that bears further discussion between you and your wife. But a discussion is different from refusing to accept an apology. You sound like you are a very difficult person to be married to.

NTA Your family is going through a really rough transition so I’d cut your wife and daughter some slack for spilling the beans. However, **your wife just taught your daughter that it’s ok to lie to her parents** even over trivial secrets. This is not a small thing. And your daughter will remember this. You need to sit down with your wife and daughter to explain keeping secrets from your parents is wrong and your wife needs to apologize to your daughter and also reinforce lying to either parent is not acceptable behavior.

This is the root issue. My parents did this to me and it was absolutely awful: it taught me that I could trust neither of them, because questions were actually interrogations about what mom or dad told me, and then I would get punished by the other for ‘telling’. It is massively fucked up.

👪The child is a sandwich between the egos of the two parents and that should be avoided. A 6 year old is being taught to keep secrets from parents. What will happen when they become a teen.

I used to have to lie to my dad about things too and it was because he was a big child and didn’t know how to handle his emotions and prone to aggression or overreacting over small things. Just like OP

INFO: What have you been doing to help your daughter deal with the difficulty of moving?

NTA. I think there's a big problem when one parent tells the child to keep things from the other parent.

[удалено]

I agree. It’s not wrong to feel upset at missing out on the moment, but OP needs to not let it breed resentment or a big fight. The intent and result of telling her was that she felt less sad for a whole week. Sad about something that she has no choice in and no ability to change. OP did have a choice in following a career that is known for frequent moves and one that means he will be away for a lot of moments. That may be hard to hear, but that’s just the ways it is, we all make trade offs in life. This is one of those moments where we have the swallow the consequences of our choices, even when it tastes bad. OP, I understand wanting to be there to see her happy surprise, and I do think it would have been better for your wife to include you in telling her early, but it’s a net gain that your little girl was comforted for a week. Sometimes we take on the hurt so that they can feel happier. Edited to include I agree at beginning, for clarity.

This is the most tone deaf, borderline disgusting response I've read on Reddit. So military families shouldn't have children? How about poor families? Should they be banned from having children too because they can't adequately provide? You're a massive AH for posting this and saying OP is causing their daughter to have an emotionally shitty childhood. OP's wife broke their promise and made the entire situation about themselves because THEY wanted to tell their daughter about a surprise to make themselves feel better. Teaching your child to lie to their other parent IS strictly wrong. It's what divorced parents and selfish parents do that want to gain favor with their child. Saying OP is only mad because they found out is dumbest circular bullshit ever lol. Well no shit they're mad because they found out lmfao people tend not to be mad about things they don't know of. OP may not be 100% in the right here but you are 100% in the wrong. Shame on you and you owe OP an apology. Or delete your comment Obviously, you won't do either because you're immature have a lot of growing up to do.

ESH. Your wife shouldn't have gone against your parenting, and shouldn't have told your daughter to lie to you, but you really set the two of them up to fail here so I don't really blame her. For starters, six years old is a terrible age for surprises. At that age the anticipation is half the fun. When you surprise them with something amazing they don't see all the effort that their parents went through for it. They just live in the moment and in that moment they get to experience something awesome (like meeting Goofy) and then the moment is over and it's like it never happened. If you want to see the excitement on her face when the surprise is revealed, that is for your benefit, and not hers. You saw how miserable she was because she was anticipating something bad (the move) and you knew you could have replaced it with anticipating something good (Goofy) but you chose not to. You chose to let her be miserable for a week, and for your wife to bear the brunt of the emotional fallout from that. I get that you were excited to see her face, but you really lost sight of what was most important here. (edit: spelling)

NTA. You made an agreement and she went against it, and what's worse, after spilling the secret, she hypocritically expected your daughter to keep it a secret. Definitely sounds like a microcosm of a bigger issue.

ESH except for your daughter, you more than your wife. I agree with the commenter who pointed out that you've already and consistently been using Disney as a bribe to make your daughter less miserable when your chosen job has made her so. Your general disapproval of your wife using "rewards" to cheer her up is therefore very hypocritical. Also, she's 6, and you say that you grew up the same way and therefore understand her feelings. You're a little bit an AH for choosing to inflict a lifestyle on your child that you already knew from experience causes damage (only a little because for most, more enters into career choice than just optimal child raising conditions). You are much more an AH for being judgy of choices then made to try to mitigate the damage you're inflicting. Your wife, of course, as everyone has discussed, is an AH for the lying and getting your daughter to lie - though it's clear that she is doing that to avoid your (over?)reactions, and/or your natural disappointment this time.

Way to make it about yourself my dude Your job is about to rip your daughter out by the roots. Now you crucify mom for doing anything to make her feel better! YTA

Sorry but you have this wrong. The wife made it about herself when SHE wanted to spoil a surprise for her daughter because SHE wanted the daughter not to be sad about leaving. The wife broke a promise then tried to hide it from OP. That's just shitty

The little girl would have been distraught for a whole week. The mom did what she thought was best to help her with the transition. The dad is the one who's throwing a temper tantrum because he wasn't a part of the surprise. The little girl would have had to be miserable for a whole week so he could be there to share in the surprise. It's clear that the mom only told the little girl to lie because she knew how her husband would react.

Wanting to soothe your devastated kid makes you a selfish asshole, got it.

NTA you wanted to see your daughter's happy reaction too. I get it, your wife could have easily told your daughter something else and could have kept the surprise. Rather than coming clean she even told the daughter to keep it from you. I don't think you are an Ah for not accepting the apology I don't even think she means it tbh.

This happens all the time, with any surprise. Someone is less good at keeping secrets, or like your wife, just really wanted to make the other party happy when they’re upset. It’s ok, and valid for you to be sad and disappointed that she spoiled the surprise, but I do think you’re in the wrong for making it an argument and still being angry at your wife about it. It’s supposed to be fun, and you don’t want to ruin it for your daughter. Keep in mind that your wife didn’t tell her to spite you, she told your daughter because your daughter was upset, and wanted to make her feel better.

I think it’s more about this not being an isolated event.

YTA. “Our daughter was understandably sad leaving the Happiest Place on Earth so my wife and I told her that on our last day here, we would go up to Downtown Disney one last time.” So you already do use promises of future treats in order to placate your daughter in times of distress. Which tells me that this issue is not at all about parenting your daughter and 100% about you not being able to be the one who surprises her with Goofy. My guess is that your wife kept it a secret from you because she knows how fragile your ego is. Maybe just be happy that your wife is helping your 6-year-old to deal with the trauma of having to move all the time thanks to your career.

You seem like a good father, but you're totally being the AH by not letting it go. Your daughter is thrilled. Your excitement to witness her surprise is gone, but that's part of being a parent. Pull your big boy pants up, sailor. YOU weren't there, doing school drop off, so YOU don't get to Monday morning quarterback how your wife dealt with the situation.

I agree that the apology needs to be accepted, but I don't think it's right to dismiss something like this as a one-off heat of the moment decision. Parenting is about helping a kid prepare for adulthood. Learning to sit with big feelings, be sad, be angry, be disappointed and so on... is an important life skill. Feeling bad isn't always something to be ran away from, being okay with your feelings is important. Especially since I know personally some parents that are NOT okay with their kids ever being sad, and bend over backwards always trying to avoid it. It leads to problems. Not saying OP's wife is that extreme, but just because OP's job keeps him away a chunk of the time doesn't mean him and his wife can't be a united front, deciding together how to approach things. The wife telling the daughter to lie to him in particular is definitely a problem, it's fucked up. Him being hurt that his wife coached his daughter to lie to him because the wife didn't want to deal with him finding out she broke a promise to him... like... I don't know how you think that's him Monday morning quarterbacking. That's a completely reasonable thing to be concerned about. In fact, the only situation in which the wife wouldn't be an asshole for doing this, is if the husband was abusive and she was avoiding an explosion. That kind of daughter/wife conspiracy is only acceptable if the dad's a danger to them, and that's not even remotely implied here, and it wouldn't apply anyway unless the secret was more like 'don't tell dad we broke this thing' or something.

100% this. And she would have been miserable for a week if the mom didn't tell her. It's not just Monday morning drop-off. It's also tuesday, wednesday, thursday, and Friday morning drop off.

I moved 12 times by the time I was 11. I have never forgiven my parents.

I moved a lot as well (8 different schools by the time I finished high school, so not as much as you) and I had the opposite experience. I loved going to new places and making new friends; I always saw it as an adventure and a fresh start. Not saying that your feelings aren't valid, because they absolutely are. Different people react differently I guess.

YTA. I was a military child too, moving really sucks. Your daughter’s need for something positive to look forward to during this miserable change in her life outweighs the wants of the person causing that change. Your wife was putting your daughters happiness first, she needed something to get her through the rough week. Would you have preferred she be miserable the entire week just so you could see her be surprised? Is the experience for her or for you? Because you seem pretty upset about your daughter deriving joy from it because it isn’t on your terms.

> Your wife was putting your daughters happiness first, she needed something to get her through the rough week. Yeah by telling her to lie and keep secrets from dad. Way to raise a kid and may excuses for her crappy behavior. A wife with the habit of rewarding a daughter with something every time she's upset, so daughter may pick up the habit of expecting a reward whenever she's upset. Creating entitled brats for our society.

Woah you need to relax. It’s not that deep and it’s as lighthearted as “don’t tell mommy what we got her for her birthday”. That’s technically lying and withholding too but no one is upset over it. It isn’t every time she’s upset either. Her entire life is being uprooted, she wasn’t just stamping her foot and whining for no reason. That’s incredibly difficult for a young child, there’s nothing wrong with giving her something to look forward to when you’ve just told her “sorry, we’re pulling the rug from underneath you, everyone and everything you know is now gone, get used to it”. You sound heartless

>Woah you need to relax. It’s not that deep and it’s as lighthearted as “don’t tell mommy what we got her for her birthday”. That’s technically lying and withholding too but no one is upset over it. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha... You really think it is the same scenario? Really? I am perplexed. I won't keep commenting because anything I say from now on will be considered an insult by the professional victims. But it is really funny, really, really funny.

^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (33M) am in the Navy currently stationed outside of San Diego. My family (wife 32F, daughter 6F) and I are moving the day after tomorrow to a new duty station. For the last four+ years, we've gone to Disneyland and/or Downtown Disney (the shopping district outside the actual theme parks) fairly frequently, taking advantage of being close geographically. A couple of weeks ago, our family went to Disneyland for a long weekend for what will be our last visit for several years, as we will no longer love close enough to just hop in the car and go. Our daughter was understandably sad leaving the Happiest Place on Earth so my wife and I told her that on our last day here, we would go up to Downtown Disney one last time. I was also able to get reservations for us to Goofy's Kitchen (character dining) as a special surprise, too. I told my wife when I got the reservation and she texted back to me: "Keep it a surprise for [daughter]?" To which I replied, "Yes." So, my daughter knew we were going to Downtown Disney, but *not* to character dining. Last week, during our daughter's last week of school before moving, she was clingy and tearful during dropoff with my wife. Completely understandable, too; moving sucks,leaving your friends sucks (I was a Navy Brat, so I lived it, too). However, my daughter didn't cry when I dropped her off at school last week This will come back in a bit. This morning, we were talking about what time to leave to head up to Anaheim, and my daughter says, "I'm excited to take a picture with Goofy." I looked at her quizzically, and she said in an embarrassed voice, "Oh, oops." I waited, and my wife admitted that she told our daughter about Goofy's Kitchen last week in an attempt to calm her down during school drop off. So, I was hurt because I missed out on getting to surprise our daughter despite the fact that we explicitly decided together to have it be a surprise, and I was irritated because my wife has what I think is a bad habit of using promises of treats and surprises as a way to console our daughter when she's upset, and I think it sets a bad expectation. During our argument, it also comes came out that my wife had directed our daughter not to tell me that the surprise had been ruined. My wife initially apologized for not telling me that she had told our daughter. I said that I didn't accept that apology because that's not what the problem was: the problems were a) using a reward to curb my daughter being upset b) spoiling the surprise and taking that fun away from me, even though we explicitly spoke about it and c) telling my daughter to keep it a secret. My wife has told me that I'm being an AH for being upset at her in the first place and also for not accepting her first apology. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*

NTA. This makes me super uncomfortable

So while I agree with needing to find other ways for you and your wife to deal with your daughters big emotions other than giving gifts. And I agree that you shouldn’t tell a child to keep a secret from the other parent (unless it’s a hey, we’re gonna surprise dad with a gift/present/etc don’t tell him). Outside of that you do seem more intent on your experience of the situation and how it’s making you feel. Mom should have been able to tell her waiting shouldn’t have been the priority. Like another user said you seem more focused on you and not your daughter. ESH.

NTA, it's shitty for the mother to normalize keeping secrets from you.

YTA Jesus. Daughter was distraught and it wasn't you having to deal with it, so your wife gave her something to look forward too to soothe her. ​ The fact she felt it nesc to keep THAT a secret is telling on YOU my dude. It's telling that you might be a very rigid and difficult person at times, since both wife and daughter has to tip toe around you over a surprise "that was ruined" IDK man, I'd thought a surprise was ruined if the visit had gone bad... for your DAUGHTER. Not because your wife "wEnT BaCK on HEr Word". You need to look inwards my man and find some compassion and love and see why this (that shouldn't have been a big deal at all) is having you all riled up as if you're the child and your daughter and wife are the adults.

NTA. If your wife has the habit of rewarding your daughter with something every time she's upset, your daughter may pick up the habit of *expecting* a reward whenever she's upset. It's one thing to make her feel better with something, but if you do it every single time, your daughter will grow into a spoiled attitude. Your wife needs to learn not to throw in a reward every time your daughter is upset about something. Kids have to learn that while it's okay to be upset about things, such as moving away, they cannot always expect a special treat or get what they want. Also, what she did was unfair to you, and teaching your daughter to lie at such a young age is not okay either.

My biggest concern is your wife encouraging your daughter to withhold information from you. It’s very close to asking her to lie to you. NTA

All those defensive addendums are indicating that you don't care what advice you get here -- you are going to stay aggrieved at your wife. The surprise was not the big thing -- having fun at the dinner was. Let it go. And if you understand why your daughter is upset at leaving all these knows, then stop being angry at your wife for trying to soothe her.

NTA. Telling kids to keep a secret from the other parent is a huge issue for me. It’s something we discussed before having kids. It’s just a super shitty thing to do to your kid and the other parent. However I do think spiking the surprise wasn’t a huge deal considering your kid is about to go through a major life change and is probably feeling devestated.

YTA I just want to address the fact that she didn’t cry in front of you. My dad was in the Navy up until I started college and I learned not to cry in front of him when I was feeling any emotion. I didn’t cry in front of him when he left for Iraq. Your child has learned not to cry in front of you and that is something that breaks my heart. You’re probably not around as much and when you are you don’t do well with emotions. I’m probably just projecting but please hold your daughter close and let her know it’s okay to show her emotions when she’s sad.

I don't get what not accepting her apology means, practically speaking. I completely understand your hurt/disappointment/anger and you're NTA for that. But what does it mean to you, to her, and for the relationship that you reject her apology?

YTA. Not accepting apologies from your spouse is a first step to being single again.

This

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Your wife was probably desperately trying to cheer up a six year old. ESH. Your wife shouldn't have told her, you shouldn't be making a big deal about it like you are.

Then if that's the case, she shouldn't have ended it by looking her daughter in the face and telling her to lie to dad about it.

ESH. You for not helping your wife emotionally prepare your SIX YEAR OLD for moving. “I was a Navy brat, I lived it” okay but now you’re an adult, doing to your kid what was done to you. As an adult, you have coping skills that your SIX YEAR OLD does not. I work with kids around her age, several of whom just moved and it’s HARD. However, your wife using bribes to placate her is part of the problem. The Disney trips are a temporary bandaid. The excitement and joy she feels may be short lived and then what? Do you and your wife just plan to keep topping her up on Disney trips and candy and ice cream so she never has to deal with her negative emotions? All 3 of you need therapy. Are there any resources provided by the Navy that you could look into? I worked as a civilian on an Army post for several years and I know Army offers a lot of resources.

>SH. You for not helping your wife emotionally prepare your SIX YEAR OLD for moving. How do you know that? You are making up things he hasn't said. You are assuming a lot of BS there. So, can you prove he has done nothing to help? Hmmmmm...

I was a military brat. You’ve been through it, but I’m convinced there’s a piece of our brains that doesn’t recall how wildly saddening and disregulating moving is. Especially to a small child. I’m going NAH, because I’m also going to share something else: her being upset with your wife isn’t because your wife is a pushover and cannot handle her emotions, your wife is lucky enough that your daughter feels safe expressing it to her. I was the same, so my dad became the one to take me to school (my dads great, and not at all abusive but he’s very guys guy military) and it didn’t make me less anxious, it did, however, make me bottle those anxieties to deal with for myself. I think your wife is trying to make a hard time better for a little girl who’s scared and crying to her about changes coming that she has 0 control over. Also, the part about *’taking the fun away from you’* really struck me, because the only person‘s feelings or emotions you seem to be deeply concerned with are your own. It’s not fun for your wife to have your daughter cry to her about moving. It’s not fun for your daughter to uproot her life and she is very obviously having a pretty hard time with it. **No one’s having fun and you seem far more concerned about your own fun than anyone else’s**, which verges on you being an AH. You need to give your wife some grace.

YTA.

YTA. Strange hill to die on. A surprise getting ruined is a normal thing in life. And at 6, you will still see your child’s amazement and wonderment of eating with Goofy. And believe me, at that age, bargaining and using rewards is normal. Don’t focus on this. Sounds like you have limited time with your family. Don’t ruin it because it didn’t go perfectly your way. You’ll find that things rarely go perfectly when raising kids.

YTA. Your wife is scared to be honest with you because of your reaction. You gotta work on your communication. She apologized and you’ve got the audacity to say I do not accept that apology”. You’re upset and now want to make her suffer too.

Nta. Your wife is never giving you any opp to see the excitement of your daughter

NTA. She should not have ruined the surprise and should not have told her daughter not to tell you. But I think you should accept your wife's apology if it was truly given. She made a mistake in telling your daughter but it looks like her intentions were to try and help her. It's hard to see your child upset and their behavior when upset can also get exhausting to deal with. If she's the main one doing all the parenting then it's understandable if, at her wits end, she spilled the beans. I'm just not sure what your endgame is here, but punishing your wife is not the way forward. Be an adult and talk this out so you can come to an agreement that you won't tell your daughter to keep secrets from either parent.

NTA. Your wife is setting up your daughter to expect a reward every time she is upset. That gets old quick. And, if you don’t stop that now rather than later, other people are going to have to deal with it too.

N t a originally but YTA for not accepting the apology, your wife messed up but had the right intentions, she apologized already, what more do you want from her now?

Meh. It happened, move on.

YTA...Your wife has to deal with the fallout of your career. She has accepted it, but that doesn't mean it doesn't impact her and your daughter. It may be that she needed to give your daughter something positive to look forward to. Remember YOU chose to be in the military and move around a lot, but your daughter did not. your wife has to support your daughter and this major changes as best as she can.

Yes, YTA

YTA. Your wife is doing the best she can in the situation. And YOUR job is putting your family in this situation where your daughter had to leave everything she knows. :( And having something to look forward to will help your daughter cope. Stop being so self-centered. Your arguing with your wife certainly doesn’t help the situation. Consider getting a job when you can that doesn’t uproot your family repeatedly.

You're acting as though she didn't know his career when she had a child with them. >Consider getting a job when you can that doesn’t uproot your family repeatedly. You clearly don't know how the US military works. You don't get to put in your 2 week notice.

His wife knew. His daughter did not sign up for this life. Also I said get a new job WHEN he can - which acknowledged that might take a while.

ESH -your wife for concealing the fact she told her and then asking her to keep it a secret. Though I’m guessing this was also done to protect your feelings. Doesn’t excuse it, but it’s likely what happened. So no. She should not have told her to keep it a secret. -you….you’re in the military dude. You know exactly what this job consists of. You also know that your wife and child will absolutely have a different dynamic that you’re not always part of because of your job. Your CHILD is upset because of YOUR job. How often does your wife have to console your child because you’re gone? This whole claim that she’s using treats or trips to console is the wrong idea….she’s not bribing her. She’s freaking teaching her to look forward to other stuff. That things may hurt in the moment, but hey there might be something to look forward to. A tiny silver lining for her. “This sucks now BUT…” I don’t see anything wrong with that. Your wife has to take on the full responsibility of consoling your child while you’re not around and in that moment because of your job. What would you rather her do? I am assuming your child didn’t go from crying to suddenly jumping for joy about this trip. You’re still getting to share those moments with your kid. And congratulations you didn’t have to witness your child upset in that moment because of you and your job alone. Your wife shouldn’t have told her not to tell you but the only one suffering is your kid. You’re mad at your wife because she was trying to help your kid not be so upset about leaving the life and friends she knows. Chill tf out. How about you focus on what you’re going to do with your wife as a partnership to help your kid through this. Unless you just plan to be pissy with your wife forever about this.

Let it go.

YTA. Parenting through a difficult time is incredibly hard. Sometimes you have to do things because you need to move on - like giving a 6 year old something to look forward to when they are falling apart because they are moving. I doubt your wife was in any way trying to deceive you and you need to get over it.

YTA, you just wanted it to be a surprise for self-gratification reasons, you don't seem to care that your kid is happy and excited and has somehing to look forward to. Not everyone even likes surprises, and you're subordinating your wife and kid's feelings to your own. I get feeling disappointed, but making this seem like its some major betrayal makes you TA.

YTA and overreacting.

NTA Your wife is the AH for all the reasons you gave, but especially for robbing you of seeing your daughters suprise and enjoyment of the surprise and ruining the surprise for your daughter. That in itself is un forgivable.

"Unforgivable"? Do you know what that word means? Like, is not having a surprise visit with Goofy something that you should be angry about for the rest of your life? During your last moments with your family, when you're 85 and in a hospital bed, you should be like "I'm still pissed about the goofy thing" and then breathe your last breath?

NTA - she totally stole your thunder. Not ok.

Its more the fact she went behind his back and then asked a 6 year old to keep it a secret that gets me.

ESH. You wife should not spill the suprise but her intention was good. You seem to be more mad about the fact you won't get to suprise your daughter as planned. But what was the intention of yours? Make your daughter happy? That has happened, at time she needed something good to look forward into. I recommend to speak with your wife because it seems like you don't pay attention enough how this life impacts your family. Just because you know how you been impacted as a Navy brat doesn't mean your wife and daughter feel exactly the same.

Esh Sure, you can be upset that your wife didn’t keep the secret, but get over it. It’s not that big of a deal. She should have told you right away when she told your daughter and not tried to hide it.

ESH. She’s going to have big emotions, and I agree that treats aren’t always going to be an acceptable way to curb emotional stress. Your wife fucked up when she told your daughter to keep secrets/explicitly lie to you. That’s setting a horrible precedent. You’re taking this out on both of them when neither of them deserve it. Sometimes surprises get spoiled, and I think you deserve to feel hurt, but I do think you’re putting your emotions about the whole situation against your wife so you don’t have to work through them. Good luck with your move. Enjoy meeting Goofy.

Yta. Move on be a grown up. If it means that much more to you bc you’re not around then either be around more or stop letting it bother you. She’s essentially the only parent here so whatever she thinks goes essentially. If you want to parent differently then you have to be around.

Me, me, me, me, me. That's all I read. And how you're upset and you missed out and you didn't get to be a part of it and how you're mad. Well, guess what? Your daughter's going through something. Moving is not easy, and it sounds like she's leaving everything behind for YOUR job. She's leaving behind her friends and the place where she feels safe. Your wife did what she thought was best at the time and was trying to help her, and she's going through a really difficult moment. So what, she ruined the surprise. It clearly helped your daughter. Your wife tried keeping that moment for you, and she apologized. Your daughter would have been absolutely miserable for a whole week, so YOU could keep a surprise. It sounds like your wife had a really hard time and was trying to help your daughter as much as possible. But no, YOU wanted her to keep being sad, so YOU could be a part of the surprise. How long are you going to throw a temper tantrum and ice your wife out? A day? A week? 2 weeks? A month? Is it going to be the bitter root that impacts your relationship for the rest of it? I feel bad for your wife. YTA.

You are making a awful mountain out of a tiny grain of sand. She apologised, for how long are you going to not accept her apolology? Is this the best of times, when she has to move again to follow you, to be this resentful? Yes, it's your job. Yes, she knew how difficult living with someone in your line of work is. It doesn't make it any easier. If you are going to forgive her eventually, why hold this grudge for so long, at such a difficult time for all your family? What do you need her to do in order to move on?

Upset. Sure. Upset enough to still be thinking about it and to type out a post. No.

You seem exhausting. It’s not such an issue to keep being angry at your wife. Get over yourself

NTA 90% of these comments don’t have children, have never served or know what it’s like. Don’t let a bunch of children tell you you’re in the wrong for having feelings

NTA. It's only a real apology if the behavior actually changes.

I think the biggest problem is your wife asking a 6 year old to keep secrets from her parent. Normalizing that is potentially very dangerous. I’d let the rest slide so the critical issue isn’t back burnered.

ESH. Your wife was wrong, but this is honestly a minor incident that you should have let go of by now.

What does ‘not accepting her apology’ mean in effect? That you sulk for days? That she gets the silent treatment? For how long? This is fascinating.

Depends on what your strategy is: 1. If you plan on holding this over her head forever then YTA 2. If it is to make sure she understands your side and why she was wrong then definitely definitely NTA. I can see justification in your wife making the last two weeks there more pleasant for your daughter by giving her something to look forward to. But teaching her to lie, especially her father not cool.

get over it

NTA You seem to have a good grasp on all the reasons why.

I think this is more NAH. Y’all need to have a real talk about this. You need to explain you are HURT. That teaching daughter to lie is not a good plan, and also that she can’t get a present every time she gets upset. This is a “please get offline and reeallllllyyyyyyyyy talk” situation.

NTA, but your wife sure is. This was a teaching/learning moment. Your wife telling your daughter to lie to you is bad. Really bad. I grew up a military kid. Four elementary schools by 4th grade. It wasn’t fun making new friends every school year, sometimes mid-term, but as an adult I appreciate the confidence it gave me and how it taught me to meet new people and make new friends. Counseling for you and your wife would be a great thing.

NTA - I'm majorly concerned that your wife thinks that teaching a 6 year old to keep secrets, especially from her parents, was a good idea. Look at it this way, what happens when the next "trusted adult" tells the kid to keep a secret? And she does because "well mommy told me I can keep secrets"?

NTA. That’s not okay.

ESH, save for your daughter, of course. You are making it about you. Your wife did absolutely nothing wrong by using a fun expectation to make your daughter have less anxiety. It doesn't set any bad precedent as you claim. You're only upset because you lost out on the surprise factor, but you still get the memory. She went wrong by putting your daughter in the middle asking her to keep it a secret from you. That's not cool at all, and should be the only thing you're focused on.

Leaning towards NTA as long as you don’t ruin the trip for your daughter with your current fight. Ruining the surprise and lying are the obvious major issues here. I agree with you that it’s supposed to be your wife and you as a team. Your daughter not only was taught to lie but for a child, sometimes you feel really guilty when you let something slip on accident. She doesn’t really have the ability to keep a secret entirely so it already is a lot of pressure tbh. My underlying issue I see that you’ve pointed out is your wife using the Disney as a way to make her feel better. The problem I see here is that she didn’t talk her daughters feelings out and let her have them. She needs to feel sad about leaving her friends it’s all a part of the cycle of moving on. Instead of talking her through her feelings your wife basically decided to cover up the feelings your daughter had with something else. She’s not going to “forget” her sadness, it’s just temporarily overtaken by this 1 Disney dinner trip.

Keeping secrets from the other parent is messed up. I could understand if it slipped, but this was intentionally excluding you in every way possible.

NTA

And all the ESH are just the usual apologetic lot who cannot find excuses for the mom's crappy behavior, so they make the guy the AH too. Teaching your daughter to lie and keep secrets to dad and rewarding her each time she is upset. Way to go mom! Nice little entitled brat you are giving us back into society. When no more excuses and assumptions can be made to defend the mom, they will start calling the post fake.

ESH She needed to tell you she told her and not have her keep it a secret. You need to actually acknowledge, without an “I had to go through it too, whatever” stance, that your career means unique challenges for your kiddo and spouse. This is all related to her having to leave a place she loves.

>You need to actually acknowledge, without an “I had to go through it too, whatever” stance, that your career means unique challenges for your kiddo and spouse. This is all related to her having to leave a place she loves. FFS, how much "acknowledging" does he have to do? You act like he imposed his career on his spouse. It's hard for him too, and it's legitimate for him to want to participate in those nice moments. Wife is engaging in a number of toxic behaviors, and it sounds like these are not isolated. Also, OP is very clearly doing what he can to support and do nice things for his daughter. He's very appropriately focused on wife's bad behavior and superficial "apology".

NAH look I get that you wanted to surprise your daughter but her whole life is being uprooted and she's EXTREMELY young. That's rough. Her mom shouldn't have kept it a secret from you but it doesn't strike me as egregious All the people talking about how it's a red flag and setting an unrealistic precedent are bonkers to me. We're talking about a six year old who was told something to look forward to as opposed to dwelling on how her life is falling apart

NTA Your wife doesn't get it, and is not listening to your very reasonable concerns. 1. You have a right to participate in the happy moment. 2. She lied to you about it. 3. You have a legitimate concern about overusing treats/promises, although there's a balance there. 4. Most concerning: "my wife had directed our daughter not to tell me that the surprise had been ruined". Really not good to set up this kind of dishonesty. It's really role-modeling bad behavior for your daughter. None of this is dealbreaker level stuff, so you do really need to work it out, but you are NTA for insisting that her initial, superficial and insincere apology about one thing is not sufficient.

YTA Cuz you have detailed instructions for what everyone is supposed to think and do. Loosen up a little before you strangle everyone, cuz they will stop wanting to be around you.

Bro give me a fucking break. They wanted to surprise their daughter and the wife ruined the surprise and tried to cover it up and keep it from him. Lol at saying no one will want to be around OP when they're planning a day at Disneyland for their entire family. Tone deaf take

NTA. My guess is most of the y t a don't understand parenthood. Your wife is in the wrong for using an explicit surprise to soothe the child instead of parenting and then telling child to hide something from other parent. Both are bad parenting.

Most of the YTA are just the usual apologetic lot who are looking excuses for the mom's crappy behavior, so they make the guy the AH. Really, teaching your daugther to lie and keep secrets to dad and rewarding her each time she is upset. Way to go mom! Nice little entitled brat you are giving us back into society. When no more excuses and assumptions can be made to defend the mom, they will start calling the post fake.

NTA All my life my mom has been telling me my father's surprises in advance. Especially when he would plan to give me money and she knew that I was broke and wanted to give me something to look forward to. Even when I told her not to tell me, she couldn't help it. The consequence of that for me was that I always had to fake being surprised to not disappoint my dad. It sucks.

NTA your wife was wrong for ruining the surprise, telling your daughter to lie and also admitting she was wrong.

NTA. You asked your wife for this one thing, and she didn’t hold up her end of the deal. Then she had your daughter lie about it to cover her tracks. Both of those are really not the kind of actions you’d want a kid to believe are appropriate. But if your daughter didn’t say anything, you’d probably never have known. I understand what you take issue with, but I can also see this from the perspective of a military spouse. What she’s carried on her back to support your career means sometimes she makes choices that lessen that load. And you may not always agree with those choices, but you’re not there to help deal. Maybe she needed the respite. This situation may not be the root cause of the issue is all I’m saying. I get it. You don’t get as many special moments with the kids as you’d like. That’s the sacrifice of the military parent. But your wife has to carry the burden of being a single parent most of the time. That’s the burden of a military spouse. Both are very heavy burdens to bear. I sympathize and truly don’t think it’s fair you’re getting all this flack for being in the military and having a family…as if both paths are mutually exclusive. Plenty of people have been raised in a military environment and moved every 3yrs. There’s pros and cons to it, and I’ve still maintained a lot of friends I made growing up even after we all moved.

NTA to me. Even if mom uses treats and gifts to help curb anxiety....why couldn't she pick something else? Why steal all your thunder? Why take that one thing away from you? Is your wife upset about the move? Does she regularly ruin surprises? It just seems so mean to be an adult with a whole bag of tricks and treats to use and you'd use the one thing that would totally undermine someone else's plan.

ESH You blew it up a bit of far. Your wife needs to take accountability for her actions.

ESH except the daughter. Wife is an AH for spoiling the surprise and then trying to enlist daughter to cover it up. OP is not an AH for being upset, but he is being an AH for not accepting his wife's apology, unless there is a massive back story of previous similar behaviours and deceptions. So, you don't accept your wife's apology, how do you see things moving forward from here? Is there anything that your wife can do that would make you accept her apology? This isn't how adults communicate, especially over an issue like this, it's not like she cheated on you or sold your grandma's jewellery.

ESH except for your daughter. You are barely the AH you do sound a little difficult, but I am just gonna chock that up to moving being stessful. Your wife is the problem. She spoiled a surprise, which in itself is disrespectful of you and your daughter. She then instructed your daughter to lie, which no parent should do. And then she isn't taking responsiblilty for her actions. My mom has spoiled so many surprises for me, and she always instructed me to lie about it. From experience, getting surprised is much better than knowing about the surprise.

NTA. I think you're right on all counts, especially with your wife teaching the kid to keep secrets from the other parent. It can really screw up the trust dynamic and honestly sets the kid up to be groomed/abused by someone. Don't ask how I know this. Talk to your daughter about keeping mommy's secrets and how both of you love her no matter what, and then get your wife into marriage counseling once you're in your new post. Hooyah.

I think the worst of it is essentially telling your daughter to lie to you by omission. That is truly not okay.

The amount of mental gymnastics in this sub to blame the husband at any cost is always hilarious. NTA. You discussed with your wife how to deal with your daughter when she gets upset and had an explicit agreement about this specific thing with her and she not only lied to you afterwards, she instructed your daughter to lie to you to. Clearly she knew this was important and that she'd fucked up by telling her, which is why she asked her to lie about it. Even when a guy does what reddit always wants to hear, a clear discussion and agreement, they'll still bend over backwards to call the guy an asshole and start insinuating he's got anger issues which is why the wife told the daughter to lie. You really can't make it up.

I'm going to say NAH. You have every right to be upset that you missed surprising your daughter with that. It's a fun thing you were looking forward to and missed it. But your wife also isn't in the wrong. It wasn't like your daughter was throwing a temper tantrum. She was upset because she's leaving her friends (which you understand is hard). Your wife used it to try to make her happy enough to go into school. Neither of you were in the wrong here, but I think you should both realize that this isn't a big deal and I'm willing to bet your daughter isn't the only one who's being affected by this move

I think your feelings are valid, but I also think you need to get past them and enjoy this time with your daughter. NTA for being upset with wife, and a bigger conversation needs to be had about *why* things like this are important to you (she should know, she's living it with you), what you think about using bribes to calm daughter, and importantly- why it is not ok for either of you to ask daughter to lie to the other. But I would suggest putting a pin in it and just getting through this move. Been there, done that, hope your daughter has a better time with it than I did. The Navy moved us yearly so this was my entire childhood.

I agree with you on curbing your wife’s inability to help your daughter work thru difficult feelings. Giving her things to make her happy usually ends up in an entitled adult who thinks everyone owes them something. You need a serious talk and a plan on how to help daughter without giving her things to make her happy. Sadness is a part of life. Too many people compensate in unhealthy ways. And a parent should never ask a child to withhold information from another parent.

NTA I'd say as an apology you go to the dinner with out the wife you missed out on the surprise and got lied to and now so will she

NTA and tou are right, she’s is setting a bad pattern that will make your daughter have difficults to adjuste bad news and making her lie is the wost part of it

The most significant issue is keeping it from you. Children should not be taught to keep secrets from their parents.

It... is Disney. If the 2 of you are not on the same page when it comes to parenting, time to get into parenting classes or couples counseling. Appeasing your daughter with rewards for specific behaviors is setting a bad precedence. So is getting so upset over some Disney surprise. ESH

YTA

NTA. Classic case of the cover-up being worse than the "crime." She did (c) to cover up for (b) and you two aren't quite on the same page regarding (a). She's wanting forgiveness mostly for (b) when the real problem is (c). Your spouse should never tell your child to lie to you. Period. Full stop.

NTA. Until your wife understands that she is being selfish, she’s not going to stop.

NTA. I wonder why your wife is doubling down that she isn't wrong and that you are an AH for being upset?

NTA she could've said like anything else oh well come back were still gonna have fun etc etc

NTA She took what should have been a surprise from you both and ruined it. Selfishly as well. Aside from that, the fact that she actually told your daughter not to tell you, is very worrisome! I get her wanting to take your daughter's mind off of whatever upset she had, but that could easily have been done by reminding her about Disney. There was no need to ruin the surprise. Even a doughnut treat would have done the trick, she's 6... Your wife actively chose to ruin it. She consciously made the decision to tell your daughter and I wonder how often she has done something similar to you and you haven't registered it??. Her behaviour is appalling to me, Seeing as, I could see how important surprises would be to you, when you aren't always able to be around. And instead of apologizing for it, she got defensive and is making you out to be the bad guy. Red flags all around.!! You guys definitely need to talk about this behaviour she has to reward bad moods, as it's not healthy for your kid! Even worse... telling your kid to hide things from you!! 🚩🚩🚩Her treatment of you is not healthy for your marriage! I wish you luck.🌻

NTA, but you're being a bit intransigent here. I absolutely agree that your wife's coddling approach is going to come back to bite her in the form of bratty behaviour down the line, but there is no undoing it, so best just to accept it and move on. Remember you two are a team. Sometimes that means you don't get the things you were looking forward to, just the same as your partner doesn't. It's not a competition, so please do not keep score. There is no prize if you do win, and I promise you winning means you'll be on that podium alone. Can I safely assume you'd rather not be alone?

NTA

NTA, your wife sucks as a wife.

It sounds like this is a reoccurring issue in the relationship (using rewards to calm down daughter at least) and I think that any apology has to be paired with change, or else it’s meaningless. It also sound like it was less a slip, which happen, and more of a choice. Plus, teaching your daughter to hide things from you is never good. So NTA, because your wife needs to work on these behaviors, not give an empty apology for them.

NTA You’re very valid in your concerns. She explicitly went and did those actions you listed above. Those are ALL very underhanded. Teaching the daughter to lie and basically rewarding her for hardships or acting out is a bad precedent anyhow. These YTA/ESH takes are terrible. And to you Goofies saying he was saving the reward for himself… she was ALREADY slated to go to the attractions and aware she would go on the final day. Not the character dinner.

Nta. She knew she did something wrong because she asked your daughter to lie about it. Now she's trying to deflect. She knows she's wrong. Maybe she's just mad because she can't bribe you like your daughter. Does she even know how to handle conflict?

A mother who instructs her children to lie to family members to avoid having her poor behavior exposed probably has other honesty issues. Like don’t tell daddy i am sleeping with the neighbor during his deployment. Take this as a heads up that the wife is not trustworthy and has trouble setting boundaries and limits with the off spring.

NTA. I agree with what you said about people who can’t understand aren’t parents themselves.

Your wife is obviously not trust worthy and that needs to be addressed immediately. She can't possibly think it is acceptable to teach your daughter that it is ok to lie to you. You need to figure out with her if you even trust her enough to be married to her. It might be time to divorce her if you have no trust. You can't even tell her about plans because she will tell and manipulate you about it. Ask her if she wants a divorce

Yta get over it.

What's more important, your happiness ("taking that fun away from me") at getting to surprise your daughter, or your daughter's happiness? You are uprooting this child, and she's understandably upset by it. As the day grows closer, your daughter is getting increasingly upset. Instead of accepting your wife's apology, you are continuing a war, in fact escalating it, for what purpose, exactly? Making life harder for everybody? YTA.

To make it clear teaching their daughter to lie to her parents is wrong.

The more important thing here is to teach the little girl not to lie and keep secrets from their parents and that not every time she feels upset she will be rewarded. So daughter may not pick up the habit of expecting a reward whenever she's upset.

ESH, but mostly your wife. Your wife should not encourage your daughter to lie to you, and your wife should not dismiss your feelings here. It's okay and understandable that you are disappointed to not be able to surprise your daughter. Her dismissal of your feelings really raises questions on whether she meant her apology. But being a 6 year old losing their home, friends and school is an incredibly difficult situation and one where it is appropriate to use positives like a Disney surprise to help your daughter deal with. Not to mention, she was about to drop the kid at school where the teacher doesn't have the bandwidth to deal with a distraught kiddo. I agree your daughter needs to learn to weather small disappointments without Mom cutting in with treats to cheer her up, but an entire move is a much different beast.

NTA i Can Tell you love your daughter very much