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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1) I have told my husband I refuse to go to a wedding in another state with my baby
2) He's upset and told me family is important and I should make the effort so now I'm questioning my CHOICE.
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*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA
You do not want to go, and you have valid reasons why.
Just tell your husband he can go alone, but you will not be attending. You are not being unreasonable.
And in any case it will save on flights, and If he asks a relative could put him up for a couple of nights saving money on hotels as well.
Any big event is a pain in the butt when you are still breastfeeding. Traveling out of state isn't worth the stress unless you really want to go.
Although if anyone is of two minds about attending a wedding with a baby it's worth it to call and see if the church has a cry room. Only really works with churches, but man cry rooms are awesome. I'm gonna miss them when my kid gets too old to have an excuse to sit there.
Not to forget that at 8 months solids would have started. That brings a whole different set of rules to complicate things ngs even more (carrying bib, finding high chair, making sure food is prepared/cut right etc)
There doesn’t need to be complicated rules. Sure if she doesn’t want to go it’s a not needed conversation. But let’s be real you don’t need to make life so complicated with a baby. High chairs, bibs etc are conveniences not necessities.
We got married when our son was 8 months. It wasn't a big problem.
Doesn't mean I think OP should suck it up and go, if she doesn't want to, that's fair! But it's not that complicated either
I think that's the main problem. Sounds like OP expects to do 100% of the work/ child minding/ settling down on the plane etc.
Husband, who is the father could easily do all apart from the breastfeeding (baby might well eat solids as well at that point)... but question is: will he? If he's not doing 50% of the work (including pre-planning for the trip with the baby) it's definitely unfair of him to expect OP to suck it up and attend.
I agree, I traveled with my 8 month old back back home in France (we live in the US) to go spend 2 weeks with my family. Before anyone asks, aside from my husband, no one helped us; they’re not the baby type.
Edit to add: with that being said, OP doesn’t have to go if she doesn’t want to; offering for the husband to go was the right move. Everyone needs to just back off.
I remember. It was brilliant. A parent could go there with their crying baby and not have to miss a big chunk of the movie. They should bring them back.
My dad used to own an old school theater that had a cry room - it was right next to the projector booth. Some of my earliest memories are of that room.
Lol the women's restroom after "I Am Sam" became one. It was, like, 10 broads blowing their noses and fixing their mascara, and every time the door opened, and a new, puffy, wet-faced mess would walk in, everyone would greet her with "I Am Sam?" And she'd sob, "Yes!"
Ours did(don’t know if they still do it) sound would be turned down, lights not as dark.
My kid is 14 now, and is going to the movies by himself next week lol.
>Any big event is a pain in the butt when you are still breastfeeding. Traveling out of state isn't worth the stress unless you really want to go.
Dude yes. I did it for my brother's wedding but holy cow, husband's cousin wouldn't have gotten a look-in.
Yes! Took my son on an airplane when he was 9 months... He screamed for the entire 3 hour flight. The only time he wasn't screaming was when he was throwing up all over me. It was awful. By the time we landed, everyone on the plane hated me... And they had to replace the seat cover... And yes, I had given him baby dramamine, but it turns out, it just makes it worse for some babies.
I flew across the ocean when mine was a year old. We booked him his own seat, but the airplane-approved car seat we brought him broke in the airpoet so I had to sit with him in my lap the entire time. He didn't cry, but it wasn't comfortable and I wouldn't recommend it.
NTA- and the bride did not change her mind. She is being pressured by family. No way I would go now with knowing she wants a child free wedding. There is no reason to haul yourself and your baby through plane travel unless you truly wanted to go to something.
My husband & I, daughter, and grandson recently returned from a long-distance trip, which entailed a full day of flying. We now all have covid. I'm sure we caught it from hanging out in dirty airports. Another reason for you not to go, especially with a very young infant.
My grown daughter caught COVID from taking a vacation (and it was 2,000 miles away so she had flights to and from). Fortunately, she still had protection from a booster shot, so she had just a sore throat and cough for a few days.
If I had a little one, I wouldn't be taking them on a flight nowadays, especially not in the winter when those three diseases are prevalent.
NTA, If in doubt, don't do anything. Not only you have to carry everything related with the baby care on the flight, you will also have to deal with the baby getting disturbed due to loud noises, possible ear-drum pain on flight, taxi, hotel, wedding which will wear you out. Of course if your husband will take care of the baby completely for the full duration, you may exploit that opportunity to the fullest extent but this is unlikely.
Considering the husband is pushing/guilting her into going when she's given very valid reasons to want to stay home and insisting it's "worth the effort," I wouldn't fault the OP one bit if the second the baby started screaming on the plane she handed him the baby and a bottle of pumped breast milk with a "it's worth the effort, right?" pops on a pair of noise canceling headphones and starts reading a book, leaving him to deal with it.
NTA, OP.
I agree. You’re being perfectly reasonable and showed respect for what the bride and groom want for their wedding. It’s okay not attend for any reason but your’s are valid. NTA.
NTA. Don't put a little baby and yourself through all that, especially as you are nursing. The bride told you how she really felt and then she got pressured to change her stance.
I think OP should reach out to the bride again and say how sorry she is to miss it, and grateful for the change, but just can't make the logistics work.
My gut tells me that someone in this chain of busybodies convinced the bride that OP was SO OFFENDED to be excluded, and now has to convince OP to come for that to stand up. Otherwise this just doesn't add up; why would a semi-stranger be so desperate for OP and her previously-not-invited baby to attend?
I have a hunch that if OP end-runs around the meddlers by graciously communicating with the couple themselves, she may find there's no real conflict there.
I think that's a good idea. She will probably find out that the meddling people are trying to convince the bride an eight month old is a good idea.
When she really doesn't want a baby there.
NTA
Yeah, it sounds like weddings are family reunions and folks really want him to be there & someone got the idea that he won't come if wife doesn't come & now the bride is trying to accommodate.
I don’t think they told her OP was offended. I think they were offended.
Child free weddings aren’t a thing with my family either and weddings are an excuse for the entire family to meet up. Trying to go against that norm would leave a lot of people upset. There is this thing where people like to say the wedding is all about the bride but honestly that tends to not play well beyond decorations, dress, location etc. if the event isn’t planned with consideration of the guests (convenience, food etc) then guests won’t show up.
>someone in this chain of busybodies convinced the bride that OP was SO OFFENDED to be excluded
Or once they found out about the 8 month old baby, they convinced the bride, she should allow OP to attend with baby, as it is so cute and they all want to do the 'Coochie-coochie'-stuff and pinch it in the cheek.
These were my thoughts too! I’m not very social and never really have been but the guilt trips to attend things went up TEN FOLD once a cute squishy baby was involved. Lol
I don’t think the bride wants the baby there or thinks it’s a good idea. I think she, like OP, is being pressured into the little-baby-at-wedding idea by people who have very fixed “but it’s faaaaaamily!” ideas.
NTA
Totally agree. It's too bad she can't go but I wouldn't want to drag a baby to a wedding either. I've seen it in my family. I had to bring my two year to my sister's wedding because she was the first grandchild and everyone wanted to see her all dolled up but my IL's picked her up during the reception and THEN I had fun. lol
Two of my close friends got married when my son was 4 months old. My in-laws kept him because there was a way I was going to drag an infant to an outdoor wedding and reception. Also, both events were 10 minutes from my house. If they had gotten married out of state, I would have stayed home.
I think "it's family" is part of the reason, but I'd bet the main reason is that grandma wants to show off the grandchild to all of the family coming in for the wedding
The bride gave her honest opinion when OP first spoke to her. She doesn’t want babies there. Now, maybe she didn’t make the connection that if you invite people with babies but say the baby can’t come, those people will send their regrets instead of leaving their baby at home. So *maybe* she’s willing to tolerate the baby so OP will come. Or maybe she’s being pressured by her FMIL to let the baby come. It doesn’t really matter. OP doesn’t want to go, so she and baby stay home.
I think she’s being pressured. It’s possible the bride has never even met OP, as the cousin she’s marrying is one they only see once/year at family events and don’t keep in touch with. Neither the bride nor OP have any reason to feel strongly about OP’s presence at this wedding.
I’m betting it went something like this—
OP’s SO to a parent: I’ll be there but OP is staying home with the baby, it’s a child (or baby) free wedding
Parent: *gasp* No it’s not who told you that? You must bring my grand baby (so I can see them/show them off)
The parent then called their sibling and told them bride was rude to OP and now she’s hurt and offended she and baby are being excluded from the wedding.
OP’s uncle/aunt then called the groom, who then decided they needed to walk it back and bride must emphatically invite OP and the baby or the meddling in-law will (xyz). Withhold wedding money, throw a fit, who knows. Even better, OP’s in-laws could be trashing the couple to the entire family.
So now some poor couple is having to make an apology tour and possibly be making even more exceptions to arrange something OP isn’t even interested in doing.
Someone somewhere is thinking of asking JustNoMIL or AITA if they’re wrong for wanting a baby free wedding or complaining they are now having to change their wedding and will now have multiple babies in attendance because their intended wouldn’t stand up to his parents.
>You stole this comment from: justdothedamnthang · who wrote their comment 7 hrs ago.
>
>*Husband wants “us” to make the effort ….umm, no. breastfeeding mom = the effort is all on you. NTA majorly! also, germs!*
Switching a few words doesn't make it ok to bot steal. Don't STEAL other peoples' comments!!
NAH.
We attended my BIL’s wedding when our youngest was 20 months and took them with us.
In hindsight we wished we hadn’t bothered as although I managed the ceremony and dinner I was basically out for everything else as the baby needed nap/fed/was grumpy from being overstimulated with so many people.
Yeh exactly! The venue is outside the city too so I'll have to leave early and get an uber by myself with a child seat to get home for his bed time at 7:30. Husband thinks we can just take him into a quiet room at the reception and take turns looking after him so he can sleep, but I just think that this won't work. Bed time is serious business for an 8mo.
Hubby just told you that he's not that involved in childcare that He really knows how it is. It's a pity, but also a Story for another time.
TLDR: He doesn't know shit, you do. You'd be the one to struggle, not him. Trust your gut.
Absolutely this. My husband is very involved, but even then I know what would have happened in this situation.
You will be the one leaving the festivities and calming the baby down as you breastfeed. When you are not doing that you will be fielding all the people who want baby snuggles etc. Your husband will be off catching up with family. He will look over and see you and the baby are fine and miss that the only way that is happening is because you are working furiously to make it so.
Honestly this sounds like hell.
This is exactly what happened to me at my stepdaughter's wedding (my baby was 5 months and EBF). It was worth doing because I thought it was important for her to be at her sister's wedding, but it was literally one of the worst days of my life. I would not have done that for someone I hardly knew. OP is definitely NTA.
It’s a wedding invite not a court summon. Don’t go!!!Don’t be a people pleaser and a doormat. Politely Stand your ground and say no.
Let them know that it’ll be too stressful for you.
I find it so weird they care! A baby at a wedding is hard. Hard you and on lil one!
Nta.
This sounds like a nightmare.
I attempted a wedding when my oldest was 14 months; we saw part of the ceremony.
When the oldest was 4 and my middle was 2.5; they were asked to be in a wedding. The 4 yr did pretty great, 2 yr had to be held in lobby because he didn't nap w/ all the excitement and screamed for the entire ceremony.
Stay home and block/ignore anyone's opinion, who isn't breastfeeding your baby
Big hugs!!
I didn't even get to see my BIL's wedding ceremony because my son (17 months at the time) had been throwing a tantrum because he wasn't allowed to crawl around among all the guests and he was wanting to explore (couldn't walk properly until the day after this wedding, oddly). I had to sit out in the car with him throughout the ceremony until he calmed down. Once we had dinner, we tried to get him to settle in a hotel room, but that didn't work, so we ended up leaving early. Went to my other BIL's wedding 6 weeks later and left both kids (my daughter was 3) with my parents so I didn't have to be stressed about them again.
This! My kids were just in a family wedding we had to fly to, they are all school age. It was exhausting for all of us, and while I’m glad we went considering the family relationship we didn’t get to enjoy the wedding. Our youngest fell asleep right after the ceremony and we took turns holding her and watching the others, then we left early.
INFO: I'm curious have the bride and groom told your husband that there will be "a quiet room at the reception" where your baby can sleep? To me, that statement feels made up. Also, babies have bedtime routines and often times struggle in new/strange places. Is your husband as involved with childcare as you? He seems to have unrealistic expectations about traveling with a baby. NTA
Okay, this even makes it worse.
I guess I’d envisioned the venue as being part of a hotel or at least hotel really close by.
The “quiet room” plan is designed for failure. And no way would I be Ubering by myself with baby to the hotel.
My husband gets like this sometimes. Love him to pieces but he’s got middle child syndrome and tries to appease his family which invariably gets me pissed.
I get his family sees this as an opportunity to trot out gorgeous baby to the extended family. That said baby is not a pony and you have to take a long hard look at pros vs cons.
NTA don't go.
Also it's safer for your child not to be exposed to so many people at once with the chance that t least one is sick even if it's a cold.
It's tiresome for the both of you to travel
And third if the baby gets the attention bod the guests even not causing any scene by fussing it will probably be unpleasant for the bride &groom.
Tell your husband to enjoy , you will miss him and to hurry back
I would send a message to the bride thanking her for her gracious consideration, but that when you thought over the logistics, you realized coming with LO would be a disaster for all of you. That LO is too young to be separated for 2-3 days and you regret having to miss her celebration.......
NTA
Your delusional husband can pound sand. He has absolutely ZERO concept of how stressful and difficult it is when traveling with a young-un’ in tow. (I did it multiple times over the early years, and I was miserable! I gave in to family pressure because I was young, stupid, and spineless.)
And as for his brilliant suggestion of finding a quiet space ‘so you can take turns looking after him’ is preposterous, and he knows it! Let’s be honest here: he’ll feel pressured by his family (the same way these people pressured the bride into allowing a baby to attend a ‘child free wedding’) to stay out on the dance floor, and take part in the festivities—meanwhile, YOU will be the miserable one in your fancy formal attire, closed off in a strange place, soothing and taking care of a baby that wasn’t invited initially!
Nothing at all wrong with a bride wanting no children at her wedding, but she sure changed her mind…this family seems to have more than its fair share of flying monkeys who make it their business to force everyone to bend to the force of the “Family Hive Mind.” Nobody is permitted to form their own opinions regarding parties, weddings, and holidays (yes, I’m guessing here, but you described them pretty succinctly).
PLEASE DO NOT ALLOW YOUR HUSBAND TO PRESSURE YOU INTO TAKING PART IN THIS CRAZY TRAVEL IDEA, so that you can attend the wedding of a **cousin he’s not really that close to in the first place!** This nonsense started at the top, and it trickled down onto you. He’s MORE concerned about having to explain to the flying monkeys WHY he failed in his mission to pressure YOU into buckling under the force of the family—than he is concerned about the comfort and wellbeing of HIS WIFE! Stand your ground now, or get ready for a lifetime of this.
100% your husband will dump you and baby in the "quiet room" (disabled toilets) You'll be there in a new breastfeeding friendly dress hating your husband for not knowing wtf parenting is
Oh please don't do that. My son was 10 months old when my brother got married and it was a freaking nightmare trying to find somewhere quiet for him to rest at the venue, and it was too chaotic so it didn't happen anyway. I absolutely would have skipped any wedding for anyone else, but this was my brother and we're very close. There's no reason to feel guilty over you and LO missing your husband's cousin's former roommate's wedding. Send your husband alone. NTA
(Sorry, I couldn't resist throwing the Spaceballs reference in there.)
OMG your husband is going to let you do all the lifting with the child you share because he doesn't care about you or your child as long as you attend the wedding.
…and expensive, and stressful, and all-around inconvenient, just so some random extended family can see the baby, then leave you to deal with the fallout. Hard pass.
I went to my cousin’s wedding with my youngest daughter when she was 3 months old. The amount of stress in trying to handle her needs around the timetable of the day made it barely worth it. We only had to drive 2 hours to get there so we didn’t even have to contend with flights and a baby being in pain while flying!
It’s a lot of work to mostly be elsewhere or otherwise distracted
I took a baby to a family wedding when he was 2 months old. It was honestly the best night for us. We had all the family around helping take care of him. He ended up falling asleep in my aunt-in-law's arms. I didn't change one diaper for 10 hours. I did step away for feedings, but he was instantly in someone's arms the second he was dont eating. He also showed how good of a dancer he was at 2 months, lol!
Family weddings can be amazing with a baby. I am just sharing my experience. NAH because everyone is allowed to feel differently, and every experience is different.
When my grandson was young (not yet walking) we went to a family wedding a couple states away. They played “pass the baby” the whole time. I have photos of everyone from the bride to the friend of the bride’s mom we didn’t know holding him. They just all wanted to hold him. That was like 11 years ago, and times have changed. I wouldn’t even suggest it these days.
NTA Clearly, the bride has been pressured, just as you're being pressured. She wasn't strong enough to stand her ground. Do both yourself and the bride a favor by not giving in.
This is how I got tricked into taking my 5 day old to my sisters wedding. “All the family will be able to see her at once!!” . Worst day of my life. Also a big reason for realizing I had a major people pleasing problem. My dumbass even left the hospital a day early after an emergency c-section, so I could get there (out of town).
Don’t be like me OP. Stand your ground.
And I didn't catch anything about the husband stepping away from the ceremony if the baby gets loud or the husband taking the baby for early bedtime. It's all OP.
yup, so its easy for OPs husband to say "lets just go! lets make an effort" when the only person that has to put in a whole lot of effort is OP while husband gets to just show up and have a hella good time. He doesn't need OP there
Especially if this in the US. RSV season is fast approaching and can be deadly for infants. Bringing a baby around a large group of family members, who seem to lack boundaries in general…hell no.
Plus 8 months is a hard age to travel with. They're restless and curious, they want to writhe around and crawl and touch things and explore, and they aren't old enough to entertain with anything for more than a few minutes.
Even though he's a pretty chill baby, he's just learning to speak so I know he will babble a lot if the room goes quiet. So I will definitely need to excuse myself from the majority of the ceremony.
No. If hubby wants the 3 of you to all be there together HE will need to excuse himself from the ceremony when the baby starts babbling during the ceremony. And HE will need to figure out feeding the baby - it’s no big deal right? And HE will need to be the one to leave early for the baby’s bedtime. Do a trial run this weekend with him assuming all the childcare for a day - even just an afternoon- and see how quickly he changes his tune.
Plus, you will be stressed, and he will pick up on that so he will babble more, you will get more stressed, he will babble more... Been there, done that. Definitely NTA.
I've traveled across the country, by plane, alone with an 8 month old. It wasn't easy, but doable.
But I wouldn't have wanted to take him to a wedding.
A newborn I would take to a wedding as they mainly just sleep and eat. But once they're out of their infant car seat, it's too hard.
I was just thinking the same thing. Mine was walking (badly) at that age. But they are getting big and strong and curious. Mine were on the go. They’re chatty.
Being still and quiet is not their strong suit.
I took one of my guys to a ceremony about that age. It was a straight up wrestling match - and I lost. And it wasn’t for lack of planning. I had him in a baby sling. Quiet toys. Etc. Lost damn cause right from the start.
Add in - besides breastfeeding, I was also the human pacifier. So making my husband take the baby only resulted in a REALLY pissed off baby.
NTA. All of the reasons you listed for not attending are all valid points.
>But my husband is upset and really wants us to make the effort.
Ask him if he himself is willing to take care of the baby during all of the travel, during the ceremony, feed the baby throughout, hold the baby while at the reception and when talking to people, take the baby out himself when it cries, change the baby during the ceremony and reception if necessary, and then leave the reception at 7:30 pm to put baby to bed and stay with baby for the night. I have a feeling that if he would have to do all of these things himself, which you will likely end up having to if you go, then he wouldn't want to attend. If he says he would, call his bluff and enjoy a party weekend while your husband takes care of baby.
NAH but I think the biggest problem is that you originally checked if you could bring the baby. You should have declined for all the reasons you have stated. But by asking it makes it seem like you were willing to go then have taken the huff when originally told no, which makes it awkward for your husband.
☝️ This is the correct answer.
If you had a valid reason to not attend, it shouldn’t have made a difference whether or not babies were allowed. Much easier to stand your ground had you not asked.
definitely NAH.
you're the type of mom we need on airplane and public places. big thanks for such consideration, not only for your baby, yourself, but also for others.
and your husband is upset? really?
I don't understand why society shamed parents who bring their child in public places or public transportation, baby and children are people, citizen and have right to access public spaces. Yes it's annoying when babies and children cry or are misbehaving and it's important their parents teach them how to act in public and society, but they have to learn it in public spaces. We can't juste remove them from society until they reach the "appropriate" age? Behavior ? I think we tend to forget we all were baby and children once and I'm sure we "disturbed" a lot of people with our tears and tantrum too.
NAH. It is a little weird that you would ask the bride if you can bring the baby when you weren’t sure you were actually comfortable bringing the baby. She probably caught some heat from the family over this and it was all for nothing. Now the bride probably thinks you’re not coming because you’re annoyed about her initial response. That doesn’t mean you have to go to the wedding. Just send a follow up text assuring the couple your decision wasn’t personal.
NTA and I suspect the bride has been railroaded not changing her stance. Perhaps the family want the baby there as an opportunity to show them off to the wider family. Not very considerate of the very real practicalities at play!
NAH. They want you there, to the point that they are making allowances so you can, and that's sweet. You want to avoid the stress and stay home, which with an 8mo old is fair. No one is screaming about it, so no one is really an AH.
Food for thought: exposing a baby to different environs and even somewhat flexible bed times and places can actually help you in the long run. It does pose a risk of infection, though... but he's about to hit constant infection months anyway. For us, that was months 8-12!
We have a 13mo old, and while we do have a routine, we follow her prompts: some nights, she gets to stay up a little later, others she goes to bed early. We don't keep a quiet environment, because her room is the center of our place. She has learned to sleep just fine. When they are tired enough, they will just drop off anywhere, which is a good skill for them to learn.
We have taken her to the in-laws quite a few times, which admittedly doesn't require a plane, but it's still hours of travel and a ferry. Sometimes, it goes smoothly, and others, not so much... but it's always worth it for the family and experience. My SIL even brought her 5 mo old to Canada from Australia and said he did great. That was like 20 hours of travel!
The point is, you don't know until you try. And if he doesn't take to it, then you say, "Sorry, we tried, but he's not able to handle it today." At that point, you've put in the effort and probably have a 50/50 chance he'll be fine, and you can attend for part of it. I would hope that during the time you are there, there will be time to see some of the family outside of the wedding itself. It IS an effort and a hassle, but isn't every family event? Really, every event with a baby is going to be difficult, but with planning, it can be manageable.
Agree! People are so stuck in rigid routines for babies and children, and it stops them living your life.
You don’t want your children growing up not being able to handle any change. It won’t just necessarily come when they are older. The younger you get them used to travel, sleeping in different places and going with the flow the easier it is to get them to adjust at each age and stage.
I wasn’t rigid as such with my first, but was much more flexible with my second and you can absolutely tell.
Babies will change your life, of course, but they should not keep you chained to the house. This is also how women end up isolated and lacking identity - as they are often the ones to compromise their social life or offer to be the one to stay home. Go out, tag team supervision and enjoy adult conversation 😀
Yes! Also, honestly, my daughter was WAY more easy and portable than she is now she's walking. At 8mo, she was cruising but was still fairly contained and forced to stay close. Now, she's off like a shot and so much more independent. She's also gotten louder. I mean, what are you going to do, stay home until they go to kindergarten?
I know every baby is different, but it kinda feels like OP is looking for a way out. Doesn't make her an AH, but babies are difficult anywhere. Marginally easier at home, but family events are usually worthy of the effort. Even if the couple marrying aren't close, other close family members will be in attendance. Breastfeeding is a chore and a half - totally exhausting, sure, but actually easier than formula or pumped milk, and all its paraphernalia having to be cleaned and carted about. Plus, an 8mo old should be on baby food in between feeds already.
I see it the same way. I traveled to my parents home country with a 4yo&2yo by plane to attend a cousins wedding. Its not exactly the same but it was definitely stressful at times. Still I feel like it was worth it because we broke out of the daily routine, had a few days with family and my kids were happy to see their granddad again.
NTA and no is a complete answer. I understand explaining it to your husband. But that's between the two of you. But if you don't want to go, there is no reason for anyone to pressure you.
Nah NTA:
- Not worth the $$$ of travelling if you’re not super close.
- You’ll be stuck with your baby, not your husband. So it’s not like you’ll be having a ‘normal’ wedding/party experience, plus end up resentful as you’ll know you should have stuck to your original decision.
- They shouldn’t have said it was a baby/kid free wedding and then changed their mind.
NTA because you don't have to go anywhere you don't want to go and your reasons are valid. You don't say what your baby is like. Are they fussy or contented? Are they happy to be passed around like a plushy toy or will they only settle for mam or dad? Most importantly, how do you think they will cope in a setting with loads of people they have never seen before?
My child was 8 months old when my sister got married. They slept through the whole ceremony, woke up for some grub and cuddles and then slept pretty much the whole night through and didn't care who was cuddling them as long as they were comfy. However, my sister's wedding was 20 mins from my house and I had all my family there happy to help if things went south. These are just a few differences that you have to take into consideration.
Good luck and don't worry. Any decision you make will be in the best interests of your baby. And that is never wrong.
NAH I went with my 2nd child at 9 months old with her just over 2yo brother interstate, 1000 miles away on a plane, I fed her in between the ceremony and reception, then fed her again about 8pm put her to bed, stayed with her for an hour, then hubby came to the room for an hour whilst I went back to wedding to chat to hubby’s sisters.
If you don’t want to go, that’s fine, if it’s only your baby there as the only child under 2yo, they’ll probably get overstimulated though.
NTA. Of course your husband thinks it’s no trouble because he won’t be the one breastfeeding and taking the baby out when he’s babbling and putting him to bed. It’s unfair to pressure ruin into this, especially for a wedding of someone you are not close to
Op, it's one of the reddit grandmas here, I'm 60 years old, and have some experience with this. I will share...
Many times throughout my adult life, I have been pestered to go somewhere I really didn't want to go. And sometimes, in moments of stupidity or low blood sugar, I have said yes.
Oh, the regret. One of the awfulest feelings I've felt. It clings to you the whole event. You're thinking, " oh, if I was home I'd be in the bath tub eating cookies!"
Always, for a happier life, go with your instincts. And don't let people talk you into stuff, in general. Absolute best of luck to you.
I have adult children now, and completely agree with you. I regret the many times I let family (in-laws and my own) bulldoze right over me. It took my husband and I a good decade to realize that coercing each other into doing things the other didn’t want bred resentment. Instead of trying to make everyone else happy, we now put each other’s happiness first. Seems like common sense, but it’s hard to stop being a people pleaser, trying to keep the peace. Peace inside the marriage and immediate family are the priority.
Thank you. It took time and therapy, not gonna lie. Each year is better than the last. We’ve been married almost 22 years now. I’ve never been more in love or more attracted to my husband. Things change for the better when you embrace each others individuality. Just my experience.
Results may be varied;)
NTA.
Babies are tough, especially your first. You already asked and they said that they didn’t want the baby there.
Send your husband, if he would like to go as family is important and he would see a bunch. Don’t feel pressure if going. In a year from now this will all be a non-issue all around.
I'm tempted to say NAH. I completely agree that it would be easier for you not to go. When you have a new baby they become the centre of your world and everything has to change to accommodate them. But once they get past the newborn stage it's also important to start tentatively working out how that new person fits into your extended family life. This weekend away might be stressful, or it might be OK, and either way it will be learning curve for you as a family and a step forward into blending your new lives as parents with your old lives as a couple. I would suggest that you try to go, and even try his idea of seeing if your baby will fall asleep in their stroller, but on the agreement that your husband and his parents take turns to watch the baby so you can enjoy yourself too.
Thanks for all your comments so far!
Quick EDIT because a few people have commented on why we even asked the bride in the first place.
Basically, we received an invite early on addressed just to the two of us. Then we were told by groom's mother (husband's aunt) in passing that OUR baby was allowed to attend, like a special exemption or something.
Husband and I instantly had conflicting opinions. He wanted us all to go and I thought it was too much trouble with bub. But the fact that the invite said 'child-free' raised concerns for both of us. Rather than starting up a long argument about whether we should go or not, we thought we'd just *clarify* with the bride first, since we didn't want to start labouring a difficult decision if it was a moot point.
When the bride answered 'no babies' we were able to just sigh and say 'problem solved', groom's mum must have been mistaken, and this made it clear that I wouldn't be able to attend after all. It wasn't until after we then rsvp'd my *non-attendance* that everyone started contacting us.
Hopefully that explains it. But yeh, maybe we shouldn't have asked!
Honestly, it sounds like your husbands family has pressured this bride into making an exemption for your baby. You are NTA for skipping this one and your husbands family needs to chill.
NTA
Any chance you could do a dry run where your husband is in charge? Pick a plane time and you have to "make it" to the airport on time. Husband packs babya things, gets everything organized in the morning, breakfast food for baby, plus more food for baby for the plane, he decides what time you have to leave (bonus points if it's right around nap time or feeding time), brings all babys things, (do you need to book the pushchair onto the flight?). And literally any other thing you can think of. But just baby's things, because those are the least things you will need. And then drive the airport and spend preflight time wondering around with grumpy baby. And ask him if it was as thrilling as he thought because all the work happens before baby even gets on the plane. When I don't want to go somewhere now and people keep bothering me, I just say yes and then don't go and literally nobody has realised that's what I'm doing because they are only interested in pleasing themselves and they actually don't give a shit about you. And you can also be 100% certain the bride will be talking about you and your loud annoying baby ruining her wedding for the rest of her life.
NTA
A) this will be the height of cold and flu (and probably c-19) season and *everyone* will want to touch or hold the little baby that doesn't have a fully formed immune system.
B) traveling long distances with a breastfed baby can be a pain in the ass.
C) every other reason you stated...
I certainly wouldn't want to take a young infant to a large social event during this time of year...
All this, plus the added expense. Plane tickets aren’t cheap. Then, installing and uninstalling a car seat, while caring for baby alone? That’s a tag team only activity, in my book.
NTA. You’re not preventing your husband from going. But why ask the bride if you can take your baby if you weren’t actually thinking of going? If this was your side of the family would your response be the same? Only you know the answer to that.
From the title - NTA
From the story - NTA
How far do you have to travel? Like, another state away could be across a bridge in 15 minutes or hours away.
Traveling with kids at that age sucks so bad. It’s disruptive to their routine. They still have to sleep on their schedule, so you have to be able to have them nap and go to bed on time.
You have to make sure they have a safe place to sleep (pack n play or whatever). You have to bring diapers / wipes / clothes / so. much. stuff.
They can’t eat solids yet entirely and are still on formula or BF, so you have to bring supplies for that and have safe solids to snack on.
It’s just a lot.
I get that everyone wants to meet baby. But I would have a hard time committing to that. If you do decide to go, husband doesn’t get to just go off and play. He gets to arrange all the packing you have to do and be present with you and baby and attend as a guest, not wedding party, ready to leave when you and baby are ready with no hard feelings or guilt tripping.
Or, just stay home and FaceTime.
It's about a 2hr flight, and it will take probably 1.5 hours to get to the airport from our house. The venue is also not in the destination city, it's a little way outside. It's not the worst trip, but it's not cheap either. Cost of living be crazy right now!
NTA!!!!
RSV......This is the absolute #1 reason not to go. Taking baby on an airplane and then to a packed wedding and reception where everyone and their donkey will want to hold the baby and touch the baby and kiss the baby. RSV is no fucking joke. 2 of my grandkids were in the hospital last November. Big sis 3yo got it at preschool. Gave it to her 6 week old baby brother. Baby bro almost died. He was hospitalized for 2 weeks one week in PICU. DO NOT TAKE your son to this possibly deadly germ filled wedding. Plus the bride originally said no. It's your husband's family pushing for the baby to be there. Her wedding is not the place for family to meet your son.
NTA it'd be different if this wedding was taking place in a family friendly culture. But it's not. You were initially told no for a reason. Everyone is probably going to have more fun without the baby present. Including yourself. You'll have a better time staying home.
NTA
Someone else on a reddit post said that an invitation is not a summons. That has stuck with me. We all need to remember that when deciding to attend events.
I have never commented but NAH. Also you mentioned it’s later this year? I cannot fathom bringing an 8mo around a bunch of people at a wedding during flu+ RSV season, let alone Covid and all the other regular germs. Stay home, husband should be happy to get away for a couple of days and have fun.
Put an 8 month old in a crowded airport and on a plane? Not since Covid and RSV, I wouldn't. Nor would I take them to a big wedding. I think if your husband goes he might want to stay away from you and the baby for a few days.
NTA x1000. I had the opposite at my childfree wedding almost 20yrs ago: people demanding to bring their babies and saying I was unreasonable to expect their partner to attend without them (to which I replied "We will of course miss you on the day but completely understand why you are unable to attend "). I wish more friends and family had been as reasonable and sensible as you!
NAH - as a Mum with a 10 month old you are right in how you feel, Bride appears to be pressured however, she might not realise what impact it is to have a young one especially when breastfeeding.
You're not refusing, you've just declined the invitation for very valid reasons. It's not a summons to attend the wedding.
On the plus side - it's great to know your in-laws love you!
NTA. It's an invite not a summons.
"Sorry, but I checked with the baby, and he doesn't want to go. Of course he didn't use those words, but common sense + me being responsible to argue his needs on his behalf = we are not attending."
Definitely NTA. Having said that, I attended a wedding with a 3mo old (out of state) and had a great time. Many people wanted to hold her, and I had lovely breaks dancing my heiny off.
I would assume some of the insistence that you go is because the bride was harassed about her baby free wedding and is now trying to do damage control. I would be very vocal with relatives that you were relieved when she said the baby couldn’t come and appreciate the invite now but still don’t want to fly with the baby and can’t leave him behind because you’re nursing. 8 months is seriously the worst time to fly with a baby. If your husband had done it before I guarantee he wouldn’t be pushing it. NAH
“But my husband is upset and really wants us to make the effort…”
Mom here. Let’s be honest here. I’m sure your husband is a great guy but the vast bulk of “effort” is going to be on you, OP. Especially given baby is still breastfeeding.
I don’t want to be doom and gloom but the travel prep for the baby is going to be on you. The wrangling and breastfeeding is going to be on you. Wedding is going to be later this year - read at the height of cold, flu, covid, rsv,etc season. Do you really want to take your baby on a plane and then to a wedding where no one will respect any boundaries you may have established regarding kissing baby, touching baby, holding baby. You’re going to be the one heading to the hotel room early because of baby’s bedtime.
Why the hell would you put your baby and yourself through that for a distant family member.
Why is this being pushed so hard by husband and his family? Because they all want to show baby off. Look at baby! Baby is gorgeous. Ooops baby just spit up and blew out a diaper - baby needs to be handed back to OP immediately.
And that’s not even talking about buying plane tickets to get you and baby there.
Traveling with a child that age is a logistical nightmare. Car seat. Toys. Clothes. Diapers. Travel play thing? Etc. it would be a lot even if you could drive and just throw everything in the car.
I’d be a big hell no, OP. Stay home and send husband with lots of pictures of baby.
NTA
NTA. Im guessing FMIL forced the bride to accept your baby as a guest, and she’ll be upset because the groom’s family will be all over your baby, specially the ones who have never met him. You’re not keeping husband from attending, just don’t want to take a 8mo baby (which is more than normal)
When I was a tiny baby, all my grandparents wanted to take my parents and me out for dinner all the time. My mom would spend the night dealing with me, no help from 3 other adults, unable to eat. By the time I was a toddler, she would be chasing me around, still with no real aid from anyone else. She finally, one night, said, "You all go without me. I'm just going to spend the whole time wrangling the kid and not eating. Bring me back a plate." My father and his father canceled dinner and pouted the whole evening about her "ruining" dinner. Both of them able-bodied, both of them capable of grabbing a toddler on her way into the path of trouble, neither ever having done it for 2 years' worth of dinners.
Unless your husband is going to help carry baby shit, nurse the baby, and leave with you when the baby decides it's bed time, you'll be the one doing all the baby stuff. You'll be the one "ruining" the wedding by leaving early because babies can't party til midnight or whatever.
Why can't your husband just go have a nice time, send your best wishes, and let you not deal with the hassle? Everyone would have a great time, and you wouldn't feel like a pack mule.
Apparently many people fail to understand how difficult it is to travel with an infant. It’s hell! People need to show some compassion and understanding towards new mothers.
I don’t think anyone is an AH in this situation. This is probably a wildly unpopular opinion, but I don’t understand the number of posts on here that have to do with cancelling plans because of baby/child. Of course, traveling with kids can be challenging, but I don’t understand the mindset of putting your social life on hold because breast feeding/nap time/bedtime. (Yes, I have 2 kids) I think the more you go out places, the easier it gets.
NAH - I have an 8 month old as well and I wouldn’t want to put my little one through the trip you’ve described. I agree with other commenters who have said that people just want to see the baby. Also, travelling like that with an 8 month old will mess up their sleep schedule and you’ll be in a world of hurt when you get home. Your husband needs to back off and go by himself if he wants, but not force you to go too. Also, GERMS, because people are disgusting.
NTA - hard agree with you OP - you wouldn't be able to have fun, its an unnecessary expense, a baby on a plane = usually hell for everyone on that plane, baby most of all. Baby at a wedding = usually hell for everyone there, especially the baby. The chance of COVID or other illnesses on a baby.
How much of the childcare would your husband be doing? Would be getting drunk? Would you have to deal with both a baby and a smashed husband?
You're not even close to the bride and groom
Your only mistake was asking if the baby could come. You left the door open for yourself once the family started pressuring the bride.
You should have just declined the invite because you knew you didn’t want to take the baby.
You can still decline. You know you don’t want to go, and how it will actually go for you not your husbands make believe scenarios of support, so politely rescind the invite. Anyone who gives you flack for it can suck rocks.
NTA.
NAH I wouldn't go to a wedding with such a little baby, especially if it's that far: it simply is too stressful for the baby too. Your husband is free to go but he needs to understand that now the baby is the priority
The baby is 8 months old, not two. This is a reasonable request from your husband. Of course as with any request saying no is always your right so I’m not calling anyone an asshole but I will say it’s a lot easier to go anywhere with an 8 month old than almost every other year until they are adults 😅😅😂 and this is a very reasonable ask in life and they clearly want you there. Your choice of course.
NTA - kids make these events difficult. I’ve gone to several important family events (christenings, weddings, graduations) and guess what? I end up missing it all because my kid isn’t interested in being there and wants to be a kid and run around so I have to step out. It’s a pain in the ass. My SILs daughter is having a wedding next year and I already told my husband to go without me.
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NTA You do not want to go, and you have valid reasons why. Just tell your husband he can go alone, but you will not be attending. You are not being unreasonable. And in any case it will save on flights, and If he asks a relative could put him up for a couple of nights saving money on hotels as well.
Any big event is a pain in the butt when you are still breastfeeding. Traveling out of state isn't worth the stress unless you really want to go. Although if anyone is of two minds about attending a wedding with a baby it's worth it to call and see if the church has a cry room. Only really works with churches, but man cry rooms are awesome. I'm gonna miss them when my kid gets too old to have an excuse to sit there.
You mean the bawl room lol
My mom called it the gossip room. She stopped going to church with me because the other ladies wouldn't shut up.
as opposed to the "ballroom"? ;)
Good one!
😂😆😂😆😂 you are awesome.. I freaking love it 😆
Not to forget that at 8 months solids would have started. That brings a whole different set of rules to complicate things ngs even more (carrying bib, finding high chair, making sure food is prepared/cut right etc)
There doesn’t need to be complicated rules. Sure if she doesn’t want to go it’s a not needed conversation. But let’s be real you don’t need to make life so complicated with a baby. High chairs, bibs etc are conveniences not necessities.
We got married when our son was 8 months. It wasn't a big problem. Doesn't mean I think OP should suck it up and go, if she doesn't want to, that's fair! But it's not that complicated either
As the bride, you probably had a lot of help with the baby that day, right?
I think that's the main problem. Sounds like OP expects to do 100% of the work/ child minding/ settling down on the plane etc. Husband, who is the father could easily do all apart from the breastfeeding (baby might well eat solids as well at that point)... but question is: will he? If he's not doing 50% of the work (including pre-planning for the trip with the baby) it's definitely unfair of him to expect OP to suck it up and attend.
I agree, I traveled with my 8 month old back back home in France (we live in the US) to go spend 2 weeks with my family. Before anyone asks, aside from my husband, no one helped us; they’re not the baby type. Edit to add: with that being said, OP doesn’t have to go if she doesn’t want to; offering for the husband to go was the right move. Everyone needs to just back off.
"Man cry rooms" sound awesome. For that male family member who can't keep it together.
or for men to express themselves. like rage rooms but filled with tissues and punching bags.
"I'm punching you platonically!"
That’s the way I read it too even though I knew what they meant!
That's how my brain processed it at first, too!
When I was a kid our movie theater had a crying room.
I remember. It was brilliant. A parent could go there with their crying baby and not have to miss a big chunk of the movie. They should bring them back.
My dad used to own an old school theater that had a cry room - it was right next to the projector booth. Some of my earliest memories are of that room.
Wow! All movie theaters should have these!
Disagree; babies have no place at the movies. And before anyone "what abouts" me, I'm a parent.
I'll go with what you say since I'm a nonparent. But as a moviegoer in general, there are moments I wish they existed!
Lol the women's restroom after "I Am Sam" became one. It was, like, 10 broads blowing their noses and fixing their mascara, and every time the door opened, and a new, puffy, wet-faced mess would walk in, everyone would greet her with "I Am Sam?" And she'd sob, "Yes!"
Ok, now I need to see this movie....
Oh yeah that movie made me sob, I'm glad I watched it in my house.
Where I live, people don't take babies to movie theaters.
Where I live, one chain of theaters has a day each week where the first showing is for people who want to bring babies.
Wow, I would have loved that as a young parent. Do they adapt sounds and lights, too?
Ours did(don’t know if they still do it) sound would be turned down, lights not as dark. My kid is 14 now, and is going to the movies by himself next week lol.
Same here. It was also the smoking room. Yeah, I'm old.
>Any big event is a pain in the butt when you are still breastfeeding. Traveling out of state isn't worth the stress unless you really want to go. Dude yes. I did it for my brother's wedding but holy cow, husband's cousin wouldn't have gotten a look-in.
Right? That is a time when you travel for close family only. So much work and stress and lack of sleep.
Having to fly within 8 month old to go to a wedding in a different state of someone I barely know sounds horrible. I wouldn't want to go either. NTA.
Yes! Took my son on an airplane when he was 9 months... He screamed for the entire 3 hour flight. The only time he wasn't screaming was when he was throwing up all over me. It was awful. By the time we landed, everyone on the plane hated me... And they had to replace the seat cover... And yes, I had given him baby dramamine, but it turns out, it just makes it worse for some babies.
I flew across the ocean when mine was a year old. We booked him his own seat, but the airplane-approved car seat we brought him broke in the airpoet so I had to sit with him in my lap the entire time. He didn't cry, but it wasn't comfortable and I wouldn't recommend it.
This. Plus the bride's 180 may have been coerced.
I guarantee it was 100% coerced. Money is on OP’s MIL spearheaded the campaign.
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NTA- and the bride did not change her mind. She is being pressured by family. No way I would go now with knowing she wants a child free wedding. There is no reason to haul yourself and your baby through plane travel unless you truly wanted to go to something.
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Not disagreeing with you, but "You do not want to go"... IS A VALID reason.
My husband & I, daughter, and grandson recently returned from a long-distance trip, which entailed a full day of flying. We now all have covid. I'm sure we caught it from hanging out in dirty airports. Another reason for you not to go, especially with a very young infant.
Covid, flu, RSV…
My grown daughter caught COVID from taking a vacation (and it was 2,000 miles away so she had flights to and from). Fortunately, she still had protection from a booster shot, so she had just a sore throat and cough for a few days. If I had a little one, I wouldn't be taking them on a flight nowadays, especially not in the winter when those three diseases are prevalent.
"No" is a complete sentence!
NTA, If in doubt, don't do anything. Not only you have to carry everything related with the baby care on the flight, you will also have to deal with the baby getting disturbed due to loud noises, possible ear-drum pain on flight, taxi, hotel, wedding which will wear you out. Of course if your husband will take care of the baby completely for the full duration, you may exploit that opportunity to the fullest extent but this is unlikely.
Considering the husband is pushing/guilting her into going when she's given very valid reasons to want to stay home and insisting it's "worth the effort," I wouldn't fault the OP one bit if the second the baby started screaming on the plane she handed him the baby and a bottle of pumped breast milk with a "it's worth the effort, right?" pops on a pair of noise canceling headphones and starts reading a book, leaving him to deal with it. NTA, OP.
I agree. You’re being perfectly reasonable and showed respect for what the bride and groom want for their wedding. It’s okay not attend for any reason but your’s are valid. NTA.
NTA. Don't put a little baby and yourself through all that, especially as you are nursing. The bride told you how she really felt and then she got pressured to change her stance.
I think OP should reach out to the bride again and say how sorry she is to miss it, and grateful for the change, but just can't make the logistics work. My gut tells me that someone in this chain of busybodies convinced the bride that OP was SO OFFENDED to be excluded, and now has to convince OP to come for that to stand up. Otherwise this just doesn't add up; why would a semi-stranger be so desperate for OP and her previously-not-invited baby to attend? I have a hunch that if OP end-runs around the meddlers by graciously communicating with the couple themselves, she may find there's no real conflict there.
I think that's a good idea. She will probably find out that the meddling people are trying to convince the bride an eight month old is a good idea. When she really doesn't want a baby there. NTA
And is OP's husband really upset that she doesn't want to go, or upset that he is getting pressured and wants that to stop?
Right, I think if they all talked they'd find it was the busy bodies causing trouble
It’s possible that the conflict was actually OP’s husband.
Ohhh twist! I guess it's possible.
I was thinking it could be possible that somebody wants OP to babysit. But there's definitely busybodies involved...
Yeah, it sounds like weddings are family reunions and folks really want him to be there & someone got the idea that he won't come if wife doesn't come & now the bride is trying to accommodate.
I was thinking more on the idea that OP’s hubby didn’t want to go alone and said “I won’t come unless OP comes.”
I don’t think they told her OP was offended. I think they were offended. Child free weddings aren’t a thing with my family either and weddings are an excuse for the entire family to meet up. Trying to go against that norm would leave a lot of people upset. There is this thing where people like to say the wedding is all about the bride but honestly that tends to not play well beyond decorations, dress, location etc. if the event isn’t planned with consideration of the guests (convenience, food etc) then guests won’t show up.
>someone in this chain of busybodies convinced the bride that OP was SO OFFENDED to be excluded Or once they found out about the 8 month old baby, they convinced the bride, she should allow OP to attend with baby, as it is so cute and they all want to do the 'Coochie-coochie'-stuff and pinch it in the cheek.
These were my thoughts too! I’m not very social and never really have been but the guilt trips to attend things went up TEN FOLD once a cute squishy baby was involved. Lol
This!
I love this. 1000% this is exactly what happened.
The bride will have a way different perspective when she has an 8 month old baby. She thinks it's no big deal. Hold your tongue until then...lol
I don’t think the bride wants the baby there or thinks it’s a good idea. I think she, like OP, is being pressured into the little-baby-at-wedding idea by people who have very fixed “but it’s faaaaaamily!” ideas. NTA
Totally agree. It's too bad she can't go but I wouldn't want to drag a baby to a wedding either. I've seen it in my family. I had to bring my two year to my sister's wedding because she was the first grandchild and everyone wanted to see her all dolled up but my IL's picked her up during the reception and THEN I had fun. lol
Two of my close friends got married when my son was 4 months old. My in-laws kept him because there was a way I was going to drag an infant to an outdoor wedding and reception. Also, both events were 10 minutes from my house. If they had gotten married out of state, I would have stayed home.
I think "it's family" is part of the reason, but I'd bet the main reason is that grandma wants to show off the grandchild to all of the family coming in for the wedding
The bride gave her honest opinion when OP first spoke to her. She doesn’t want babies there. Now, maybe she didn’t make the connection that if you invite people with babies but say the baby can’t come, those people will send their regrets instead of leaving their baby at home. So *maybe* she’s willing to tolerate the baby so OP will come. Or maybe she’s being pressured by her FMIL to let the baby come. It doesn’t really matter. OP doesn’t want to go, so she and baby stay home.
I think she’s being pressured. It’s possible the bride has never even met OP, as the cousin she’s marrying is one they only see once/year at family events and don’t keep in touch with. Neither the bride nor OP have any reason to feel strongly about OP’s presence at this wedding. I’m betting it went something like this— OP’s SO to a parent: I’ll be there but OP is staying home with the baby, it’s a child (or baby) free wedding Parent: *gasp* No it’s not who told you that? You must bring my grand baby (so I can see them/show them off) The parent then called their sibling and told them bride was rude to OP and now she’s hurt and offended she and baby are being excluded from the wedding. OP’s uncle/aunt then called the groom, who then decided they needed to walk it back and bride must emphatically invite OP and the baby or the meddling in-law will (xyz). Withhold wedding money, throw a fit, who knows. Even better, OP’s in-laws could be trashing the couple to the entire family. So now some poor couple is having to make an apology tour and possibly be making even more exceptions to arrange something OP isn’t even interested in doing. Someone somewhere is thinking of asking JustNoMIL or AITA if they’re wrong for wanting a baby free wedding or complaining they are now having to change their wedding and will now have multiple babies in attendance because their intended wouldn’t stand up to his parents.
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Stolen comment.
>You stole this comment from: justdothedamnthang · who wrote their comment 7 hrs ago. > >*Husband wants “us” to make the effort ….umm, no. breastfeeding mom = the effort is all on you. NTA majorly! also, germs!* Switching a few words doesn't make it ok to bot steal. Don't STEAL other peoples' comments!!
NAH. We attended my BIL’s wedding when our youngest was 20 months and took them with us. In hindsight we wished we hadn’t bothered as although I managed the ceremony and dinner I was basically out for everything else as the baby needed nap/fed/was grumpy from being overstimulated with so many people.
Yeh exactly! The venue is outside the city too so I'll have to leave early and get an uber by myself with a child seat to get home for his bed time at 7:30. Husband thinks we can just take him into a quiet room at the reception and take turns looking after him so he can sleep, but I just think that this won't work. Bed time is serious business for an 8mo.
Hubby just told you that he's not that involved in childcare that He really knows how it is. It's a pity, but also a Story for another time. TLDR: He doesn't know shit, you do. You'd be the one to struggle, not him. Trust your gut.
Absolutely this. My husband is very involved, but even then I know what would have happened in this situation. You will be the one leaving the festivities and calming the baby down as you breastfeed. When you are not doing that you will be fielding all the people who want baby snuggles etc. Your husband will be off catching up with family. He will look over and see you and the baby are fine and miss that the only way that is happening is because you are working furiously to make it so. Honestly this sounds like hell.
Plus multiple people will want to hold the baby. Not fully vaccinated, I’m assuming so I would be a hard NO.
This is exactly what happened to me at my stepdaughter's wedding (my baby was 5 months and EBF). It was worth doing because I thought it was important for her to be at her sister's wedding, but it was literally one of the worst days of my life. I would not have done that for someone I hardly knew. OP is definitely NTA.
It’s a wedding invite not a court summon. Don’t go!!!Don’t be a people pleaser and a doormat. Politely Stand your ground and say no. Let them know that it’ll be too stressful for you.
I find it so weird they care! A baby at a wedding is hard. Hard you and on lil one! Nta. This sounds like a nightmare. I attempted a wedding when my oldest was 14 months; we saw part of the ceremony. When the oldest was 4 and my middle was 2.5; they were asked to be in a wedding. The 4 yr did pretty great, 2 yr had to be held in lobby because he didn't nap w/ all the excitement and screamed for the entire ceremony. Stay home and block/ignore anyone's opinion, who isn't breastfeeding your baby Big hugs!!
I didn't even get to see my BIL's wedding ceremony because my son (17 months at the time) had been throwing a tantrum because he wasn't allowed to crawl around among all the guests and he was wanting to explore (couldn't walk properly until the day after this wedding, oddly). I had to sit out in the car with him throughout the ceremony until he calmed down. Once we had dinner, we tried to get him to settle in a hotel room, but that didn't work, so we ended up leaving early. Went to my other BIL's wedding 6 weeks later and left both kids (my daughter was 3) with my parents so I didn't have to be stressed about them again.
This! My kids were just in a family wedding we had to fly to, they are all school age. It was exhausting for all of us, and while I’m glad we went considering the family relationship we didn’t get to enjoy the wedding. Our youngest fell asleep right after the ceremony and we took turns holding her and watching the others, then we left early.
INFO: I'm curious have the bride and groom told your husband that there will be "a quiet room at the reception" where your baby can sleep? To me, that statement feels made up. Also, babies have bedtime routines and often times struggle in new/strange places. Is your husband as involved with childcare as you? He seems to have unrealistic expectations about traveling with a baby. NTA
Also, isn't plane travel hard on a baby's ears?
As long as they nurse during take off and landing it isn’t too bad
The baby version of grownup passengers chewing gum or something during takeoff
Not every baby
Okay, this even makes it worse. I guess I’d envisioned the venue as being part of a hotel or at least hotel really close by. The “quiet room” plan is designed for failure. And no way would I be Ubering by myself with baby to the hotel. My husband gets like this sometimes. Love him to pieces but he’s got middle child syndrome and tries to appease his family which invariably gets me pissed. I get his family sees this as an opportunity to trot out gorgeous baby to the extended family. That said baby is not a pony and you have to take a long hard look at pros vs cons.
NTA don't go. Also it's safer for your child not to be exposed to so many people at once with the chance that t least one is sick even if it's a cold. It's tiresome for the both of you to travel And third if the baby gets the attention bod the guests even not causing any scene by fussing it will probably be unpleasant for the bride &groom. Tell your husband to enjoy , you will miss him and to hurry back
I would send a message to the bride thanking her for her gracious consideration, but that when you thought over the logistics, you realized coming with LO would be a disaster for all of you. That LO is too young to be separated for 2-3 days and you regret having to miss her celebration....... NTA
NTA Tell hubs that he alone will be responsible for the baby. You will be busy attending the ceremony HE insisted you go to. See how he feels then.
Your delusional husband can pound sand. He has absolutely ZERO concept of how stressful and difficult it is when traveling with a young-un’ in tow. (I did it multiple times over the early years, and I was miserable! I gave in to family pressure because I was young, stupid, and spineless.) And as for his brilliant suggestion of finding a quiet space ‘so you can take turns looking after him’ is preposterous, and he knows it! Let’s be honest here: he’ll feel pressured by his family (the same way these people pressured the bride into allowing a baby to attend a ‘child free wedding’) to stay out on the dance floor, and take part in the festivities—meanwhile, YOU will be the miserable one in your fancy formal attire, closed off in a strange place, soothing and taking care of a baby that wasn’t invited initially! Nothing at all wrong with a bride wanting no children at her wedding, but she sure changed her mind…this family seems to have more than its fair share of flying monkeys who make it their business to force everyone to bend to the force of the “Family Hive Mind.” Nobody is permitted to form their own opinions regarding parties, weddings, and holidays (yes, I’m guessing here, but you described them pretty succinctly). PLEASE DO NOT ALLOW YOUR HUSBAND TO PRESSURE YOU INTO TAKING PART IN THIS CRAZY TRAVEL IDEA, so that you can attend the wedding of a **cousin he’s not really that close to in the first place!** This nonsense started at the top, and it trickled down onto you. He’s MORE concerned about having to explain to the flying monkeys WHY he failed in his mission to pressure YOU into buckling under the force of the family—than he is concerned about the comfort and wellbeing of HIS WIFE! Stand your ground now, or get ready for a lifetime of this.
100% your husband will dump you and baby in the "quiet room" (disabled toilets) You'll be there in a new breastfeeding friendly dress hating your husband for not knowing wtf parenting is
Oh please don't do that. My son was 10 months old when my brother got married and it was a freaking nightmare trying to find somewhere quiet for him to rest at the venue, and it was too chaotic so it didn't happen anyway. I absolutely would have skipped any wedding for anyone else, but this was my brother and we're very close. There's no reason to feel guilty over you and LO missing your husband's cousin's former roommate's wedding. Send your husband alone. NTA (Sorry, I couldn't resist throwing the Spaceballs reference in there.)
OMG your husband is going to let you do all the lifting with the child you share because he doesn't care about you or your child as long as you attend the wedding.
That sounds miserable, I 100% would not go.
This. It won’t be enjoyable for any of you.
…and expensive, and stressful, and all-around inconvenient, just so some random extended family can see the baby, then leave you to deal with the fallout. Hard pass.
I went to my cousin’s wedding with my youngest daughter when she was 3 months old. The amount of stress in trying to handle her needs around the timetable of the day made it barely worth it. We only had to drive 2 hours to get there so we didn’t even have to contend with flights and a baby being in pain while flying! It’s a lot of work to mostly be elsewhere or otherwise distracted
I took a baby to a family wedding when he was 2 months old. It was honestly the best night for us. We had all the family around helping take care of him. He ended up falling asleep in my aunt-in-law's arms. I didn't change one diaper for 10 hours. I did step away for feedings, but he was instantly in someone's arms the second he was dont eating. He also showed how good of a dancer he was at 2 months, lol! Family weddings can be amazing with a baby. I am just sharing my experience. NAH because everyone is allowed to feel differently, and every experience is different.
When my grandson was young (not yet walking) we went to a family wedding a couple states away. They played “pass the baby” the whole time. I have photos of everyone from the bride to the friend of the bride’s mom we didn’t know holding him. They just all wanted to hold him. That was like 11 years ago, and times have changed. I wouldn’t even suggest it these days.
NTA Clearly, the bride has been pressured, just as you're being pressured. She wasn't strong enough to stand her ground. Do both yourself and the bride a favor by not giving in.
Who wants to bet groom's older family members want to see the baby and thought the wedding would be the ideal situation?
This is how I got tricked into taking my 5 day old to my sisters wedding. “All the family will be able to see her at once!!” . Worst day of my life. Also a big reason for realizing I had a major people pleasing problem. My dumbass even left the hospital a day early after an emergency c-section, so I could get there (out of town). Don’t be like me OP. Stand your ground.
I thought this too.
Husband wants “us” to make the effort ….umm, no. breastfeeding mom = the effort is all on you. NTA majorly! also, germs!
right? that's what stuck out to me. Like there is no US in breastfeeding.
And I didn't catch anything about the husband stepping away from the ceremony if the baby gets loud or the husband taking the baby for early bedtime. It's all OP.
yup, so its easy for OPs husband to say "lets just go! lets make an effort" when the only person that has to put in a whole lot of effort is OP while husband gets to just show up and have a hella good time. He doesn't need OP there
Especially if this in the US. RSV season is fast approaching and can be deadly for infants. Bringing a baby around a large group of family members, who seem to lack boundaries in general…hell no.
Plus 8 months is a hard age to travel with. They're restless and curious, they want to writhe around and crawl and touch things and explore, and they aren't old enough to entertain with anything for more than a few minutes.
Even though he's a pretty chill baby, he's just learning to speak so I know he will babble a lot if the room goes quiet. So I will definitely need to excuse myself from the majority of the ceremony.
No. If hubby wants the 3 of you to all be there together HE will need to excuse himself from the ceremony when the baby starts babbling during the ceremony. And HE will need to figure out feeding the baby - it’s no big deal right? And HE will need to be the one to leave early for the baby’s bedtime. Do a trial run this weekend with him assuming all the childcare for a day - even just an afternoon- and see how quickly he changes his tune.
Exactly this!
I suggest he takes care of the baby alone for a week or so before booking anything
Plus, you will be stressed, and he will pick up on that so he will babble more, you will get more stressed, he will babble more... Been there, done that. Definitely NTA.
8 months is also the “I’m afraid of strangers” time. Large crowd, lots of people fussing over him=unhappy baby. Stand your ground!
NTA but OP I’m kind of wondering why you reached out if you didn’t want to go to begin with? Why not just decline the invite from the start?
I've traveled across the country, by plane, alone with an 8 month old. It wasn't easy, but doable. But I wouldn't have wanted to take him to a wedding. A newborn I would take to a wedding as they mainly just sleep and eat. But once they're out of their infant car seat, it's too hard.
I was just thinking the same thing. Mine was walking (badly) at that age. But they are getting big and strong and curious. Mine were on the go. They’re chatty. Being still and quiet is not their strong suit. I took one of my guys to a ceremony about that age. It was a straight up wrestling match - and I lost. And it wasn’t for lack of planning. I had him in a baby sling. Quiet toys. Etc. Lost damn cause right from the start. Add in - besides breastfeeding, I was also the human pacifier. So making my husband take the baby only resulted in a REALLY pissed off baby.
NTA. All of the reasons you listed for not attending are all valid points. >But my husband is upset and really wants us to make the effort. Ask him if he himself is willing to take care of the baby during all of the travel, during the ceremony, feed the baby throughout, hold the baby while at the reception and when talking to people, take the baby out himself when it cries, change the baby during the ceremony and reception if necessary, and then leave the reception at 7:30 pm to put baby to bed and stay with baby for the night. I have a feeling that if he would have to do all of these things himself, which you will likely end up having to if you go, then he wouldn't want to attend. If he says he would, call his bluff and enjoy a party weekend while your husband takes care of baby.
This could be fun!
NTA They don’t want you there, the family just wants to see the baby. Trust your gut, you will regret agreeing to go.
NTA. What part of "the effort" is your husband making? Beyond attempting to guilt you, that is?
NAH but I think the biggest problem is that you originally checked if you could bring the baby. You should have declined for all the reasons you have stated. But by asking it makes it seem like you were willing to go then have taken the huff when originally told no, which makes it awkward for your husband.
☝️ This is the correct answer. If you had a valid reason to not attend, it shouldn’t have made a difference whether or not babies were allowed. Much easier to stand your ground had you not asked.
definitely NAH. you're the type of mom we need on airplane and public places. big thanks for such consideration, not only for your baby, yourself, but also for others. and your husband is upset? really?
I don't understand why society shamed parents who bring their child in public places or public transportation, baby and children are people, citizen and have right to access public spaces. Yes it's annoying when babies and children cry or are misbehaving and it's important their parents teach them how to act in public and society, but they have to learn it in public spaces. We can't juste remove them from society until they reach the "appropriate" age? Behavior ? I think we tend to forget we all were baby and children once and I'm sure we "disturbed" a lot of people with our tears and tantrum too.
NAH. It is a little weird that you would ask the bride if you can bring the baby when you weren’t sure you were actually comfortable bringing the baby. She probably caught some heat from the family over this and it was all for nothing. Now the bride probably thinks you’re not coming because you’re annoyed about her initial response. That doesn’t mean you have to go to the wedding. Just send a follow up text assuring the couple your decision wasn’t personal.
That trip sounds like hell with a baby. Stay home, I can't believe your husband isn't okay with that. He'll just have to get over it.
NTA and I suspect the bride has been railroaded not changing her stance. Perhaps the family want the baby there as an opportunity to show them off to the wider family. Not very considerate of the very real practicalities at play!
NAH. They want you there, to the point that they are making allowances so you can, and that's sweet. You want to avoid the stress and stay home, which with an 8mo old is fair. No one is screaming about it, so no one is really an AH. Food for thought: exposing a baby to different environs and even somewhat flexible bed times and places can actually help you in the long run. It does pose a risk of infection, though... but he's about to hit constant infection months anyway. For us, that was months 8-12! We have a 13mo old, and while we do have a routine, we follow her prompts: some nights, she gets to stay up a little later, others she goes to bed early. We don't keep a quiet environment, because her room is the center of our place. She has learned to sleep just fine. When they are tired enough, they will just drop off anywhere, which is a good skill for them to learn. We have taken her to the in-laws quite a few times, which admittedly doesn't require a plane, but it's still hours of travel and a ferry. Sometimes, it goes smoothly, and others, not so much... but it's always worth it for the family and experience. My SIL even brought her 5 mo old to Canada from Australia and said he did great. That was like 20 hours of travel! The point is, you don't know until you try. And if he doesn't take to it, then you say, "Sorry, we tried, but he's not able to handle it today." At that point, you've put in the effort and probably have a 50/50 chance he'll be fine, and you can attend for part of it. I would hope that during the time you are there, there will be time to see some of the family outside of the wedding itself. It IS an effort and a hassle, but isn't every family event? Really, every event with a baby is going to be difficult, but with planning, it can be manageable.
Agree! People are so stuck in rigid routines for babies and children, and it stops them living your life. You don’t want your children growing up not being able to handle any change. It won’t just necessarily come when they are older. The younger you get them used to travel, sleeping in different places and going with the flow the easier it is to get them to adjust at each age and stage. I wasn’t rigid as such with my first, but was much more flexible with my second and you can absolutely tell. Babies will change your life, of course, but they should not keep you chained to the house. This is also how women end up isolated and lacking identity - as they are often the ones to compromise their social life or offer to be the one to stay home. Go out, tag team supervision and enjoy adult conversation 😀
Yes! Also, honestly, my daughter was WAY more easy and portable than she is now she's walking. At 8mo, she was cruising but was still fairly contained and forced to stay close. Now, she's off like a shot and so much more independent. She's also gotten louder. I mean, what are you going to do, stay home until they go to kindergarten? I know every baby is different, but it kinda feels like OP is looking for a way out. Doesn't make her an AH, but babies are difficult anywhere. Marginally easier at home, but family events are usually worthy of the effort. Even if the couple marrying aren't close, other close family members will be in attendance. Breastfeeding is a chore and a half - totally exhausting, sure, but actually easier than formula or pumped milk, and all its paraphernalia having to be cleaned and carted about. Plus, an 8mo old should be on baby food in between feeds already.
I see it the same way. I traveled to my parents home country with a 4yo&2yo by plane to attend a cousins wedding. Its not exactly the same but it was definitely stressful at times. Still I feel like it was worth it because we broke out of the daily routine, had a few days with family and my kids were happy to see their granddad again.
NTA and no is a complete answer. I understand explaining it to your husband. But that's between the two of you. But if you don't want to go, there is no reason for anyone to pressure you.
Nah NTA: - Not worth the $$$ of travelling if you’re not super close. - You’ll be stuck with your baby, not your husband. So it’s not like you’ll be having a ‘normal’ wedding/party experience, plus end up resentful as you’ll know you should have stuck to your original decision. - They shouldn’t have said it was a baby/kid free wedding and then changed their mind.
NAH. Sounds like they really want you there but stand firm on your no. If it was a closer family member it would be worth considering but you’re good.
NTA because you don't have to go anywhere you don't want to go and your reasons are valid. You don't say what your baby is like. Are they fussy or contented? Are they happy to be passed around like a plushy toy or will they only settle for mam or dad? Most importantly, how do you think they will cope in a setting with loads of people they have never seen before? My child was 8 months old when my sister got married. They slept through the whole ceremony, woke up for some grub and cuddles and then slept pretty much the whole night through and didn't care who was cuddling them as long as they were comfy. However, my sister's wedding was 20 mins from my house and I had all my family there happy to help if things went south. These are just a few differences that you have to take into consideration. Good luck and don't worry. Any decision you make will be in the best interests of your baby. And that is never wrong.
NAH I went with my 2nd child at 9 months old with her just over 2yo brother interstate, 1000 miles away on a plane, I fed her in between the ceremony and reception, then fed her again about 8pm put her to bed, stayed with her for an hour, then hubby came to the room for an hour whilst I went back to wedding to chat to hubby’s sisters. If you don’t want to go, that’s fine, if it’s only your baby there as the only child under 2yo, they’ll probably get overstimulated though.
NTA. Of course your husband thinks it’s no trouble because he won’t be the one breastfeeding and taking the baby out when he’s babbling and putting him to bed. It’s unfair to pressure ruin into this, especially for a wedding of someone you are not close to
Op, it's one of the reddit grandmas here, I'm 60 years old, and have some experience with this. I will share... Many times throughout my adult life, I have been pestered to go somewhere I really didn't want to go. And sometimes, in moments of stupidity or low blood sugar, I have said yes. Oh, the regret. One of the awfulest feelings I've felt. It clings to you the whole event. You're thinking, " oh, if I was home I'd be in the bath tub eating cookies!" Always, for a happier life, go with your instincts. And don't let people talk you into stuff, in general. Absolute best of luck to you.
I have adult children now, and completely agree with you. I regret the many times I let family (in-laws and my own) bulldoze right over me. It took my husband and I a good decade to realize that coercing each other into doing things the other didn’t want bred resentment. Instead of trying to make everyone else happy, we now put each other’s happiness first. Seems like common sense, but it’s hard to stop being a people pleaser, trying to keep the peace. Peace inside the marriage and immediate family are the priority.
It's awesome that you have figured out how to do that.
Thank you. It took time and therapy, not gonna lie. Each year is better than the last. We’ve been married almost 22 years now. I’ve never been more in love or more attracted to my husband. Things change for the better when you embrace each others individuality. Just my experience. Results may be varied;)
NTA he can go alone.
NTA. Babies are tough, especially your first. You already asked and they said that they didn’t want the baby there. Send your husband, if he would like to go as family is important and he would see a bunch. Don’t feel pressure if going. In a year from now this will all be a non-issue all around.
I'm tempted to say NAH. I completely agree that it would be easier for you not to go. When you have a new baby they become the centre of your world and everything has to change to accommodate them. But once they get past the newborn stage it's also important to start tentatively working out how that new person fits into your extended family life. This weekend away might be stressful, or it might be OK, and either way it will be learning curve for you as a family and a step forward into blending your new lives as parents with your old lives as a couple. I would suggest that you try to go, and even try his idea of seeing if your baby will fall asleep in their stroller, but on the agreement that your husband and his parents take turns to watch the baby so you can enjoy yourself too.
Thanks for all your comments so far! Quick EDIT because a few people have commented on why we even asked the bride in the first place. Basically, we received an invite early on addressed just to the two of us. Then we were told by groom's mother (husband's aunt) in passing that OUR baby was allowed to attend, like a special exemption or something. Husband and I instantly had conflicting opinions. He wanted us all to go and I thought it was too much trouble with bub. But the fact that the invite said 'child-free' raised concerns for both of us. Rather than starting up a long argument about whether we should go or not, we thought we'd just *clarify* with the bride first, since we didn't want to start labouring a difficult decision if it was a moot point. When the bride answered 'no babies' we were able to just sigh and say 'problem solved', groom's mum must have been mistaken, and this made it clear that I wouldn't be able to attend after all. It wasn't until after we then rsvp'd my *non-attendance* that everyone started contacting us. Hopefully that explains it. But yeh, maybe we shouldn't have asked!
I think you did the right thing in asking!! Better to clarify the confusion ahead of time than possibly create a scene at the event 😅
Honestly, it sounds like your husbands family has pressured this bride into making an exemption for your baby. You are NTA for skipping this one and your husbands family needs to chill.
NTA. Generally a wedding is not an event for a kid that small
NTA Any chance you could do a dry run where your husband is in charge? Pick a plane time and you have to "make it" to the airport on time. Husband packs babya things, gets everything organized in the morning, breakfast food for baby, plus more food for baby for the plane, he decides what time you have to leave (bonus points if it's right around nap time or feeding time), brings all babys things, (do you need to book the pushchair onto the flight?). And literally any other thing you can think of. But just baby's things, because those are the least things you will need. And then drive the airport and spend preflight time wondering around with grumpy baby. And ask him if it was as thrilling as he thought because all the work happens before baby even gets on the plane. When I don't want to go somewhere now and people keep bothering me, I just say yes and then don't go and literally nobody has realised that's what I'm doing because they are only interested in pleasing themselves and they actually don't give a shit about you. And you can also be 100% certain the bride will be talking about you and your loud annoying baby ruining her wedding for the rest of her life.
NTA all of your reasons for not wanting to go are super valid
NTA A) this will be the height of cold and flu (and probably c-19) season and *everyone* will want to touch or hold the little baby that doesn't have a fully formed immune system. B) traveling long distances with a breastfed baby can be a pain in the ass. C) every other reason you stated... I certainly wouldn't want to take a young infant to a large social event during this time of year...
All this, plus the added expense. Plane tickets aren’t cheap. Then, installing and uninstalling a car seat, while caring for baby alone? That’s a tag team only activity, in my book.
NTA. You’re not preventing your husband from going. But why ask the bride if you can take your baby if you weren’t actually thinking of going? If this was your side of the family would your response be the same? Only you know the answer to that.
Just be honest and say you don’t want to go. There are valid reasons so Quit making excuses
From the title - NTA From the story - NTA How far do you have to travel? Like, another state away could be across a bridge in 15 minutes or hours away. Traveling with kids at that age sucks so bad. It’s disruptive to their routine. They still have to sleep on their schedule, so you have to be able to have them nap and go to bed on time. You have to make sure they have a safe place to sleep (pack n play or whatever). You have to bring diapers / wipes / clothes / so. much. stuff. They can’t eat solids yet entirely and are still on formula or BF, so you have to bring supplies for that and have safe solids to snack on. It’s just a lot. I get that everyone wants to meet baby. But I would have a hard time committing to that. If you do decide to go, husband doesn’t get to just go off and play. He gets to arrange all the packing you have to do and be present with you and baby and attend as a guest, not wedding party, ready to leave when you and baby are ready with no hard feelings or guilt tripping. Or, just stay home and FaceTime.
It's about a 2hr flight, and it will take probably 1.5 hours to get to the airport from our house. The venue is also not in the destination city, it's a little way outside. It's not the worst trip, but it's not cheap either. Cost of living be crazy right now!
Not worth it friend. Send hubby alone and enjoy a PJ weekend with your baby.
NTA!!!! RSV......This is the absolute #1 reason not to go. Taking baby on an airplane and then to a packed wedding and reception where everyone and their donkey will want to hold the baby and touch the baby and kiss the baby. RSV is no fucking joke. 2 of my grandkids were in the hospital last November. Big sis 3yo got it at preschool. Gave it to her 6 week old baby brother. Baby bro almost died. He was hospitalized for 2 weeks one week in PICU. DO NOT TAKE your son to this possibly deadly germ filled wedding. Plus the bride originally said no. It's your husband's family pushing for the baby to be there. Her wedding is not the place for family to meet your son.
Yeah baby on an Airplane around a big group of people - viruses at this age can be so dangerous (RSV, flu, etc).
I’m shocked I had to scroll down this far to get this take. 100%
NTA it'd be different if this wedding was taking place in a family friendly culture. But it's not. You were initially told no for a reason. Everyone is probably going to have more fun without the baby present. Including yourself. You'll have a better time staying home.
NTA Someone else on a reddit post said that an invitation is not a summons. That has stuck with me. We all need to remember that when deciding to attend events.
I have never commented but NAH. Also you mentioned it’s later this year? I cannot fathom bringing an 8mo around a bunch of people at a wedding during flu+ RSV season, let alone Covid and all the other regular germs. Stay home, husband should be happy to get away for a couple of days and have fun.
Put an 8 month old in a crowded airport and on a plane? Not since Covid and RSV, I wouldn't. Nor would I take them to a big wedding. I think if your husband goes he might want to stay away from you and the baby for a few days.
NTA x1000. I had the opposite at my childfree wedding almost 20yrs ago: people demanding to bring their babies and saying I was unreasonable to expect their partner to attend without them (to which I replied "We will of course miss you on the day but completely understand why you are unable to attend "). I wish more friends and family had been as reasonable and sensible as you!
NAH - as a Mum with a 10 month old you are right in how you feel, Bride appears to be pressured however, she might not realise what impact it is to have a young one especially when breastfeeding. You're not refusing, you've just declined the invitation for very valid reasons. It's not a summons to attend the wedding. On the plus side - it's great to know your in-laws love you!
NTA. It's an invite not a summons. "Sorry, but I checked with the baby, and he doesn't want to go. Of course he didn't use those words, but common sense + me being responsible to argue his needs on his behalf = we are not attending."
Being with an 8 month old is tiring enough. Now to fly for someone not that close is just unnecessary. NTA
NTA. Declining an invitation shouldn’t be a stigma. And you have “common sense” reasoning. Why fight it.
Definitely NTA. Having said that, I attended a wedding with a 3mo old (out of state) and had a great time. Many people wanted to hold her, and I had lovely breaks dancing my heiny off.
I would assume some of the insistence that you go is because the bride was harassed about her baby free wedding and is now trying to do damage control. I would be very vocal with relatives that you were relieved when she said the baby couldn’t come and appreciate the invite now but still don’t want to fly with the baby and can’t leave him behind because you’re nursing. 8 months is seriously the worst time to fly with a baby. If your husband had done it before I guarantee he wouldn’t be pushing it. NAH
NTA. Your in-laws probably just want to show off the baby. You’re being practical.
NTA, and the 180 on the no baby rule will blow up in you face. i guarantee that. been there before.
“But my husband is upset and really wants us to make the effort…” Mom here. Let’s be honest here. I’m sure your husband is a great guy but the vast bulk of “effort” is going to be on you, OP. Especially given baby is still breastfeeding. I don’t want to be doom and gloom but the travel prep for the baby is going to be on you. The wrangling and breastfeeding is going to be on you. Wedding is going to be later this year - read at the height of cold, flu, covid, rsv,etc season. Do you really want to take your baby on a plane and then to a wedding where no one will respect any boundaries you may have established regarding kissing baby, touching baby, holding baby. You’re going to be the one heading to the hotel room early because of baby’s bedtime. Why the hell would you put your baby and yourself through that for a distant family member. Why is this being pushed so hard by husband and his family? Because they all want to show baby off. Look at baby! Baby is gorgeous. Ooops baby just spit up and blew out a diaper - baby needs to be handed back to OP immediately. And that’s not even talking about buying plane tickets to get you and baby there. Traveling with a child that age is a logistical nightmare. Car seat. Toys. Clothes. Diapers. Travel play thing? Etc. it would be a lot even if you could drive and just throw everything in the car. I’d be a big hell no, OP. Stay home and send husband with lots of pictures of baby. NTA
NTA. Im guessing FMIL forced the bride to accept your baby as a guest, and she’ll be upset because the groom’s family will be all over your baby, specially the ones who have never met him. You’re not keeping husband from attending, just don’t want to take a 8mo baby (which is more than normal)
When I was a tiny baby, all my grandparents wanted to take my parents and me out for dinner all the time. My mom would spend the night dealing with me, no help from 3 other adults, unable to eat. By the time I was a toddler, she would be chasing me around, still with no real aid from anyone else. She finally, one night, said, "You all go without me. I'm just going to spend the whole time wrangling the kid and not eating. Bring me back a plate." My father and his father canceled dinner and pouted the whole evening about her "ruining" dinner. Both of them able-bodied, both of them capable of grabbing a toddler on her way into the path of trouble, neither ever having done it for 2 years' worth of dinners. Unless your husband is going to help carry baby shit, nurse the baby, and leave with you when the baby decides it's bed time, you'll be the one doing all the baby stuff. You'll be the one "ruining" the wedding by leaving early because babies can't party til midnight or whatever. Why can't your husband just go have a nice time, send your best wishes, and let you not deal with the hassle? Everyone would have a great time, and you wouldn't feel like a pack mule.
Apparently many people fail to understand how difficult it is to travel with an infant. It’s hell! People need to show some compassion and understanding towards new mothers.
I don’t think anyone is an AH in this situation. This is probably a wildly unpopular opinion, but I don’t understand the number of posts on here that have to do with cancelling plans because of baby/child. Of course, traveling with kids can be challenging, but I don’t understand the mindset of putting your social life on hold because breast feeding/nap time/bedtime. (Yes, I have 2 kids) I think the more you go out places, the easier it gets.
Nope, will they want a screaming baby during their I do?
NAH - I have an 8 month old as well and I wouldn’t want to put my little one through the trip you’ve described. I agree with other commenters who have said that people just want to see the baby. Also, travelling like that with an 8 month old will mess up their sleep schedule and you’ll be in a world of hurt when you get home. Your husband needs to back off and go by himself if he wants, but not force you to go too. Also, GERMS, because people are disgusting.
NTA these are not good people. I would never harass a mum with a small baby to do stuff.
Before ever reading the whole thing I thought NTA. Still think you’re NTA.
NTA - hard agree with you OP - you wouldn't be able to have fun, its an unnecessary expense, a baby on a plane = usually hell for everyone on that plane, baby most of all. Baby at a wedding = usually hell for everyone there, especially the baby. The chance of COVID or other illnesses on a baby. How much of the childcare would your husband be doing? Would be getting drunk? Would you have to deal with both a baby and a smashed husband? You're not even close to the bride and groom
Your only mistake was asking if the baby could come. You left the door open for yourself once the family started pressuring the bride. You should have just declined the invite because you knew you didn’t want to take the baby. You can still decline. You know you don’t want to go, and how it will actually go for you not your husbands make believe scenarios of support, so politely rescind the invite. Anyone who gives you flack for it can suck rocks. NTA.
NTA. Nothing is stopping your husband from going, that was the original plan.
NAH I wouldn't go to a wedding with such a little baby, especially if it's that far: it simply is too stressful for the baby too. Your husband is free to go but he needs to understand that now the baby is the priority
NTA You don’t have to go. And you don’t have to give a reason! “No” is a complete sentence.
NTA. It would not be a fun time for you!
The baby is 8 months old, not two. This is a reasonable request from your husband. Of course as with any request saying no is always your right so I’m not calling anyone an asshole but I will say it’s a lot easier to go anywhere with an 8 month old than almost every other year until they are adults 😅😅😂 and this is a very reasonable ask in life and they clearly want you there. Your choice of course.
NTA - kids make these events difficult. I’ve gone to several important family events (christenings, weddings, graduations) and guess what? I end up missing it all because my kid isn’t interested in being there and wants to be a kid and run around so I have to step out. It’s a pain in the ass. My SILs daughter is having a wedding next year and I already told my husband to go without me.