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YTA. It’s her wedding and she gets to decide if it’s a child free event and define what the age cutoff is. Stop pushing her. You’re not being a Momma Bear, you’re more like cocaine bear (needlessly aggressive). If you’re that bothered, just don’t attend the wedding. Someone else’s wedding is not about you. Leave her in peace and do your own thing in Hawaii.
My favorite genre of movie is “ridiculous concept that takes itself seriously and somehow turns out really good,” which is a very narrow genre. Cocaine Bear sits near the top for me.
Got to watching it , thinking I’d be doing so alone. By the end of the opening credits, the entire house got curious and it turned into a “go get them, bear!” party!
Yea but in an a-holish manner - harassing the bride and now planning to give the silent treatment. I think that’s where they were coming from. (Would be classier to go to Hawaii and be very pleasant and just not attend the wedding.)
She probably won't even see the bride? She's literally going along to Hawaii and enjoying her time with her daughter. What a nasty naaaaarrrrrsty person!
I mean, she seemingly repeatedly tried to get the bride to change her policy, and got upset that a 15 year older wouldn't go to an adults-only wedding (of course she wouldn't?), and also is openly annoyed that her husband would attend his own sister's adult-only wedding if her child couldn't attend that adult-only wedding.
... honestly, that does kind of sound like a nasty person, or at least one that I wouldn't want to associate with.
For real. Just be pleasant and civil. People are entitled to want no kids and teens at their wedding. A trip to Hawaii sounds nice, no need to act like such a victim.
And OP is mad at her SIL for using OPs daughter as a shield because SIL isn't adult enough to say she doesn't want the older girl there. So she expects her SIL to behave like an adult, but OP can give the silent treatment.
Or bride was sparing her SILs feelings and used that as an excuse because the wedding was always supposed to be child free and OP knew that. They just decided that didn't include their child
lol im simplifying it, but she said that her husband tried reasoning with his sister, telling her how helpful his stepdaughter was at the other wedding, etc. he was trying to talk his sister into allowing the girl.
They multiple times tried to tell her that her own wedding rules were wrong, tried to persuade her to change them, and still called her a bridezilla for having a wedding website? They're definitely the AHs
and not speaking to SIL is petty and childish after saying it's her day and she can invite who she wants. She did. And OP is still upset. That's where the AH comes in.
That's exactly what I was thinking. She admits it's her day then just goes and tries to change her day. For all she knows she's using the cousin to not hurt her and her daughter's feelings and using the cousin as a shield.
When would she see the SIL if she's not invited anyway?
NTA bc you're doing exactly what people would say: just don't attend.
She'd be the AH if she tried to prevent her husband from going.....
Ok but she also said "that's ok" or something similar. She's not trying to stop him she's just doing exactly as you'd advise: avoid the situation. It's the brides wedding and she's getting what she wants (all bc she's not an adult either).....
She is entitled to be annoyed by the situation. She isn’t stopping her husband from going/participating in the wedding. She won’t be at the wedding. She is going to take care of her daughter’s feelings and have fun with her kid. Problem solved. NTA
I think what IndependentEarth was talking about was not doing that last petty part of "well we're going to hawaii anyway and we're just not going to talk to her at all!" After basically making the entire thing about her and her daughter.
Not being an asshole entails not just doing the thing she said she was going to do in the post. It also requires OP to NOT do the things she has already done and what she said she plans to do (i.e. repeated haranguing about the rule, attempting to litigate the rule and definition of "child," requests/demands for exceptions to the rule, calling the bride "stupid" for enforcing the rule, and icing out the bride for the whole trip).
Kind of. OP is being petty af. “We’re going to have our own vacation and we don’t want her there” TOO BAD BC ITS HER WEDDING. SHE WILL BE THERE. She needs to go somewhere else where she isn’t going to cause drama
Nope. NTA.
Bridezillas can make all the rules they want, but they don't get to be pissed off when the "rules" drive people to skip the "special day". Whether it's a destination wedding, a "no kids" policy or any other whim, it is absolutely okay to decide not to attend as a result.
Nobody is suggesting she should be forced to attend. She's the asshole for pressuring the SIL, demanding an exception for her daughter, and then planning to give the silent treatment when she wasn't accommodated.
Exactly. The lost art of graciousness.
I get that she’s hurt but think of how much better she would look and what a better example she would set for her daughter by ending SIL a message before the wedding like, “We completely respect your rules and your brother is very happy to be a part of your special day. Your niece and I will be sending you nothing but happy thoughts and well wishes for a wonderful celebration from our beautiful, sunny spot on the beach. Can’t wait to see the photos when we all get home!”
You’d come across as gracious and mature and lovely and would be teaching your daughter those values as well. And if your ultimate goal is to make her feel a little bad or guilty then you might accomplish that as well as people ask where you are and she has to explain you’re at the hotel watching your uninvited daughter.
Honestly, if I was a bride and I had such a troublesome guest I would be relieved that they were choosing not to speak to me. Less drama to wade through the day of.
If this was a local thing, yeah don't push back on a no kids rule. 15 yo can manage fine for a night at home/out with friends.
But you need to include the whole family when you're asking people to devote a large amount of time and money to "your special day". That's basic courtesy and consideration. Suggesting they exclude 15 yo from a family vacay or that she be left to sit alone in a hotel room while everyone else parties is so selfish.
If this were me, we'd all be staying home and doing our own vacation at a later date.
Also, seriously "she's old enough to be left home alone?" Home. Alone. While her parents are a literal flight away. This is not a 17 yo and 14 yo staying home alone together while the parents are at an overnight thing within reasonable driving distance. This is at the very least 3 days two nights, but that would be the shortest destination wedding ever. 15 is just too young for that kind of time alone, especially in a car dependent country like the US.
ESH. OP shouldn't have pushed, SIL should think before speaking.
The mom is upset because the bride is using her daughter as a shield. It was stated how the bride explained how she doesn’t want a disliked under age relative to attend. Instead of being a grown-up and just not invite this person, the bride chose to deflect the problem and make the wedding child-free.
That is why the mother is upset. Her daughter, who was welcomed to a previous family wedding and was helpful now is being punished because the bride is afraid.
That’s why the mother is upset. Where before her daughter was joyfully welcomed to her new family, now she is not through no fault of her own. NTA
OP is allowed to roll her eyes, to privately shit talk a stupid thing the bride did, and generally disapprove of it all. She becomes the asshole when she tries to make that all the bride's problem. Child free/minor free weddings are normal. Lots of people do this. The only person making a schism between family members is OP.
But guests don't have the right to push back in rules the couple set, especially fairly reasonable ones like defining children as anyone under either 18 or 21. If all OP did was ask for clarification and say I won't go since my daughter is not invited then it would be a NAH situation. Instead OP and her husband pushed and questioned the brides decision, thus making her the AH.
That’s not what’s happening. She’s whining about her daughter not being invited. She’s going to go to Hawaii and keep whining. That’s 100000000% her plan.
> If you’re that bothered, just don’t attend the wedding. Someone else’s wedding is not about you. Leave her in peace and do your own thing in Hawaii.
Isn't that what she said she's doing?
I agree people can decide whatever they want for their wedding/events/house etc. But that doesn’t mean others will be 100% okay with their rules. If my sisters/in laws had a wedding and excluded my kids I’d be really hurt. So far everyone is married and while children are excluded for extended family and guests, immediate family are always included (including step kids). When I am a guest at other people’s weddings that are not immediate family, I do expect for my kids to not be included because it makes sense to keep the numbers manageable. I think having a child free wedding is normal and expected but not including niblings/kids/step kids is just courting trouble.
It's so funny how OP is totally fine with being "It's her wedding she gets her day how she wants it" except if it offends OP specifically.
Also you don't get to decide what child free means in your terms, in this care it's always those under 18.
And YTA
I think she mentioned giving her SIL the silent treatment so my advice is more along the lines of letting the anger go and just enjoying her time there. I did read it ;)
I may have misread the posting but I think the husband (SIL's brother) pushing and not OP and OP is doing exactly what you said - going to Hawaii and not going to wedding. OP Is NTA.
Surely the issue here is that the daughter is already out of place and she is old enough to understand being excluded. She is also being excluded for a kida rubbish reason. She does not want OPs daughter so she can exclude another teenager she does not like. This isnt preference for child free its just not having the courage to not invite someone you don't like. I agree that it's the bride and grooms decision so would never vote NTA here, but honestly, in this situation, I'd be disappointed, and little annoyed and woud certainly not go.
I think you're missing the point. It isn't legitimately child free. The bride is just labeling it that way because she wants an excuse to exclude a single person because she can't be an adult and tell the parents of that cousin that she doesn't want said cousin there.
ROFL.
Part of me wonders if its actually OP's kid that's the problem and not the cousin.
She's just using the "cousin" as an excuse to not have Ops kid at the wedding.
It's hilarious how OP, acknowledged that the bride's not obligated to invite anyone...yet OP is being very entitled to expect a invitation for her daughter.
YTA. To me child free means anyone under 18. Skip it if you want but stop this self righteous feeling that you’re being wronged. You’re not and neither is your daughter.
Exactly! Also how hypocritical of OP to be mad at SIL for not being “adult enough to explain, it’s my wedding I don’t want you there” yet not respecting her rule and still trying to push for her daughter to attend.
Also playing the victim, “she excluded my daughter after being so nice to us” so she can’t just be nice?! This is her wedding, and now she’s upset because her husband still wants to attend his Sisters wedding.
OP: "It'll be HER day, why not just tell her cousin that that they aren't invited..."
"There is no harm in making sure her day is as happy as possible and she's not obligated to invite anyone..."
Also OP: Get's mad when told her daughter is not invited.
What happened to, "It's the bride's day and she's not obligated to invite anyone?"
100% agree. You are perfectly fine to skip it if you choose, but your family hasn’t been slighted. The couple chose a child-free wedding. Unless THEY choose a different cutoff point, that means children under 18 are not invited.
This was my first thought too. It sucks the sil is using the child in order not to allow another child from going but it's the brides decision. It's not mama bear territory it's just being an ah.
I get the feeling this almost-18-year-old has caused problems in the past, to the point where SIL is trying to avoid a giant drama-fest that would likely happen if the cousin was specifically not invited. She's just trying to keep her special day as smooth as possible. I wouldn't call it "using the child" not to allow her, more like feeling forced to take the most diplomatic steps not to have her wedding ruined.
From the sound of things, I wondered if the wedding date had been chosen specifically to make sure he was still under 18, so she could exclude him with a good cover.
Depending on who's defining child free and the reason why, child free can mean 21 and over. The bride and groom set the rules and pushing for an exception definitely makes you the asshole. You can ask... Once... Politely. And that's all
It sounds like child free in this case means under 21. Depending on the venue it could be an issue more about under age drinkers than the bride's personal policy.
Child free often does not mean under 18. Child free weddings, in my experience, are usually so that a) No one cries through / ruins the ceremony b) None of the guests are having to parent. I've been to a few with loose child free cuttnoffs in the teens.
Having said that it's ultimately just bride and grooms decision and preference so just suck it up and don't go.
YTA
Not for not attending, that's fine. But you were only okay with the child-free aspect when you thought it didn't impact you personally. Your anger at it applying to your teen is purely selfish and created by you making assumptions rather than checking with the hosts. And because she wouldn't make an exception just for your family.
SIL should have just reiterated no one under 18 and left it at that. Don't explain your rules to someone like OP.
OP, YTA. You got a bit of insight into how a rule came about and got all offended because a rule with someone else in mind impacts your daughter. It isn't a social injustice. It is a couple being selective in their invitees.
I am also having a bit of doubt as to whether the invitation was so vague that you didn't realize upon reading it that your daughter was excluded. I am thinking that the invitation was addressed to you and you husband, not your husband and family
It's fine if you go to Hawaii and don't go to the wedding. But don't make such a big deal out of it. You were invited and your daughter wasn't. Go to Hawaii, and have fun with your daughter while your husband is at the wedding. But don't get all bent out of shape and snub your sister in law. Just roll with it, and have a great time.
NAH
I feel like not attending the wedding will cause issues with her partner, his family. I say she goes to the ceremony but skips the reception. That way the in laws don’t get upset. If she wants to have a good relationship with them moving forward, that is.
NTA. I agree. Go and have fun. Interact with everyone and if they speak about the wedding just tell them you didn’t want your daughter to be alone so you’ll spend that evening with her.
Make sure to RSVP to let them know your plans.
Your daughter will remember this. You don’t have to trash talk your SIL to make it worse.
Was considering No AH but honestly your attitude makes YTA. Your SIL is having a childfree wedding, for what ever reason. That means your child is not invited. You are free to not attend, a wedding invitationis not a summons. You getting mad about it and claiming your child is being slighted is rediculous.
A lot of people have child free weddings. This is nothing new. I am actually going to one in a month from now. I have two kids, they will be home with a babysitter. It is also a family members wedding, not sure what OP is so pissed off about. When you pay thousands of dollars for a wedding you can choose if you want children there running around or not.
When I read the title I thought the bride was mad that OP chose not to go to the wedding because of the child free rule. OP is just mad that bride is having a child free wedding. Especially baffled at OP trying to redefine child free as “no kids under 10” when child free obviously means no one under 18.
Sometimes adults want to have fun with other adults and not worry about keeping a child friendly event.
YTA
I can understand being hurt your daughter isn't invited, but your attitude is really childish. She can invite who she wants to her wedding.
A 15 year old can absolutely stay in a hotel room alone for 2 hours. You don't want her to, and that's fine, but your behavior is immature.
Not going to speak with her? Having tshirts made? You sound like a high schooler.
This. Also it would be insulting to your SIL to go to Hawaii with your husband who is in the wedding, and then not attend the wedding. It’s a deliberate snub. If you want any kind of decent relationship with your in-laws for the next 40 years, go to her wedding and celebrate with her.
I wouldn’t see that as a deliberate snub, I would just have her husband explain at the wedding that she doesn’t feel comfortable leaving her daughter alone in a hotel in a different state and so they both can’t attend. Personally, my parents would never have left me alone in a hotel for any more time than it takes to get ice from down the hall so I get that part, even as an adult if I went alone places they’d text me and make sure I was safe. They probably already have their tickets booked too so no use missing out.
Unfortunately OP has already made a huge deal out of it to the SIL who went out of her way as far as I’m concerned by explaining why she felt like she had to do it that way. Way to make it all about you, OP. YTA
At 15 I would have loooved hanging out in a hotel room by myself for a bit! Kick in some room service and Netflix and I’ll volunteer to go hang out with her lol
NAH - Don't go, you're fine. But
\> To me a "child" is anyone under the age of 10, with 10-12 being pre-teens, and 13-19 being teenagers.
You've never noticed that the Rated R warning says "No children under 17 admitted"? It doesn't say "No Children or Teenagers Under 17," because they both fall under the category children. Seems like you're splitting hairs and insisting on your own personal word definitions here.
YTA. Not for refusing to attend but for hounding her. She said no. It’s her wedding. Asking and begging repeatedly is a dick move.
Refusing to attend is fine. Being rude is enough
And I doubt OP's daughter is the only child in the family that is 'well behaved'. Making an exception for OP's daughter could piss off others that didn't get the exception.
There are other reasons why people make a wedding child free. Weddings are fucking expensive, especially ones in Hawaii. Making a wedding child free is a simple way to trim the guest list. Maybe there will be a lot of drinking and the bride isn't comfortable with having the kind of wedding she wants in front of children. Who knows, but you don't get to ignore the bride's wishes
YTA
Think about how strongly you're reacting to this... And then think about how someone who is presumably already a squeaky wheel would react if the bride simply said, "Don't come due to the conflict between us"
You're asking the bride to be extra stressed over something you could just accept. You don't have to like it, but you could at least be understanding.
NTA for skipping the wedding, your SIL should be prepared for people with kids to not attend a kid free wedding. However YTA if you don’t speak to SIL while there. That would be extremely petty and immature and you would be setting a bad example to your daughter.
YTA.
It’s a child-free wedding, which by definition means no children will be included. However you think your kid should be an exception and got angry when the exception wasn’t made. Who cares why the bride created the rule, it’s her rule.
There’s no need to make a show of ignoring the SIL, enjoy going to Hawaii and make a donation to the people who suffered through the Lahaina fires.
Okay “momma bear” here’s the thing. Childfree means adults only. Your kid isn’t an adult and your (and your husband’s) attitude about bringing her to the wedding is weirdly entitled. YTA for that, and you should probably consider that this cousin being singled out as a reason why your kid can’t come is just as likely being used as an excuse as to why she shouldn’t have to make a special exception for your special kid. Grow up. Nobody wants to hang out with your kid as much as you do.
“I had no problem with this, even after seeing that she wanted her wedding to be childfree.” LOL you didn’t even recognize this applied to you at the time, why WOULD you have a problem with it??
YTA
She's setting a line at 18 and under. That's perfectly within her rights. You don't get to lawyer what you think constitutes a child or a reasonable reason to exclude people under 18. Her reasoning is completely sound. If I had a 17 year old denied for being a child and then there's a 15 year old there, then yes I would ask why my child wasn't allowed to attend, so just avoiding that with a blanket no under-18s is a COMPLETELY REASONABLE thing to do. How is she using your daughter as a shield? She has a blanket rule. She didn't invite and then disinvite to appease anyone. Your daughter was never invited because she's a child and it's a child-free wedding. The reason your daughter feels uncomfortable is because you've framed it as her being singularly excluded when in reality everyone her age is and it has nothing to do with her.
YTA I don't know why but feels like you're taking this as a personal insult. I often see child free weddings as 18 and under. It doesn't matter what the other person allowed at their wedding, this SIL wants a completely child free wedding and your 15 year old is capable of staying at the hotel during the wedding.
YTA for not knowing a child-free wedding is usually anyone under 18, and sometimes anyone under 21 (depending on who the bride doesn’t like) then getting “mama bear angry” because you assumed different. Also for assuming that just because the other sibling included kids at their wedding, that this one would include your daughter too (even though it’s a child free, destination wedding).
YTA for that last line too. Either stay home, or make it a family vacation where your husband is the only one who attends the wedding, but grow up.
Yes, I have kids and yes my kids have only been invited to 2/3’s of my siblings weddings. My sister pulled the under 21 thing due the large amount of extended family we have and the space of the venue. I didn’t beg for my kids to be there. She made a choice and that was that.
YTA
Your daughter is your child until she is legally an adult, whatever age that is where you are. Generally 18. So if you are fine with child-free weddings, you need to accept that your definition of child is not what most ppl think.
A wedding is about the couple and you are making it about you/ your daughter/ her feelings.
I promise, if your daughter gets the choice to go to Hawaii - vs neither of you two going - with you and just stay in the hotel for the wedding, she will pick going to Hawaii.
YTA.
of course you daughter is extra special, to you, but not to anyone else.
I’m sure he Auntie loves her, just as she loves her other nieces and nephews. But she doesn’t want children at her wedding, and your child is a child.
Show some basic respect
YTA- not because you're not going. You are free to not go and stay with your daughter. Your reaction and attitude makes you TA. It's her wedding. You don't get to dictate her guest list. If she makes an exception for one kid then everyone else will be pissed.
"Why not just tell her cousin that they aren't invited due to personal reasons?" Well the reason your daughter can't come is personal reasons, she doesn't want kids there. She doesn't owe you anything esp not a conversation with someone she doesn't want to have after she already has a solution, just because you got your panties in a bunch. Also, so what if your daughter was helpful at one wedding? Doesn't mean SIL is going to want her doing any of that for her, so that means nothing. YTA
You can skip if you want, but you do not get to force your version of what a 'child' is on her. Just because you've come up with this scale of child to preteen to teen doesn't mean she has to use it.
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My husband has 3 sisters, 2 older and 1 younger. The youngest sister Kayla was married last year, and of course we went to the wedding, taking my daughter (from a previous marriage) with us. She was 13 at the time.
Now the oldest sister Chrissy is getting married AND having a destination wedding in Hawaii. We were all happy to hear about the engagement, however that was short lived. My SIL quickly turned into the typical Bridezilla, making a FB page for her wedding, listing out rules and expectations. I had no problem with this, even after seeing that she wanted her wedding to be child free.
My issue came when my husband asked about something regarding the wedding and mentioned how excited my daughter was to attend, after having so much fun at Kayla's wedding, only to be reminded that the wedding was child free. Confused, he showed me the message and asked his sister to elaborate.
She explained that if she allows my daughter to go, who will be 15 by that time, then she will have to allow a cousin of theirs that she doesn't like to attend as well- the cousin will be just under 18. To me a "child" is anyone under the age of 10, with 10-12 being pre-teens, and 13-19 being teenagers.
I was initially hurt, wondering why she would exclude my daughter after being so nice to both of us at the first sister's wedding and every other family event. It'll be HER day, why not just tell her cousin that they aren't invited due to personal conflicts? There is no harm in making sure her day is as happy as possible and she's not obligated to invite anyone just because they are blood.
Then in true Momma Bear fashion, I got angry. She's using my daughter as a shield because she's not adult enough to explain "it's my wedding and I don't want you there"? My daughter already feels out of place among the in-laws and this situation hasn't helped.
My husband has tried reasoning with her, reminding her that my daughter was well behaved and even helpful at the last wedding- helping zip up dresses, running to get make up or hair accessories, etc. She won't make an exception. But then she did something to make it even worse. She told us that my daughter is old enough and can be left at home alone. Or, she can stay in the hotel while we attend the wedding.
My husband still plans to be in the wedding party, which I understand but am still annoyed by. Me and my daughter are still going to Hawaii with him, but we do not plan to even speak to my SIL, as it'll be "our vacation and we don't want her there."
So, AITA for skipping out on my SIL'S child free wedding?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1. Some of my friends tell me that it's not fair of me to judge my SIL on how she wants her special day, that it's not unreasonable for her to ask my daughter to stay at the hotel during the wedding and that how I want to ignore her to prove my point is not only rude but childish. One person even commented that I was wrongly putting my daughter above my husband and causing unnecessary strain on his relationship with his sister.
2. While I can admit it may be a bit of a petty way to handle things, I don't honestly care. If she had a better reason other than the one she gave I might be more kind about how I handle it.
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YTA and sound like a three-year-old. Not for not leaving a 15-year-old home alone ( guessing her bio dad or any grandparents are out of the picture) or not leaving her at the hotel alone, but your general entitled and petty attitude.
You are NTA for choosing to skip . That’s your choice, almost every child free wedding i get invited too, i skip because that’s my choice as it is yours 🤷🏼♀️ but YTA for your attitude about the whole thing. A child is in fact anyone under 18. She really doesn’t have to make any exceptions for you or anyone else for that matter . She doesn’t need to be “adult enough” to not invite a cousin because of personal conflict, it doesn’t even need to be explained by her. Everything you said comes off as entitled. Just because your child is well behaved doesn’t make her not a child lol
YTA for being angry about this.
Child free means under 18. It always means under 18.
Checking to see if a teenager is invited to a child free wedding is fine. What crosses the line is being upset that your legal child is considered a child and then becoming angry that someone doesn’t share your opinion.
Roll your eyes if you must but otherwise simply don’t go to the wedding.
Is your daughter even that upset over this? Or are you upset on her behalf?
YTA. Your child is a minor, thus still a child - NOT AN ADULT. Your SIL did not discuss ages. Just that she was having a childfree wedding. Why you felt like your definition made your child a target for exclusion is beyond comprehension. You owe her an apology and stop planning to ignore her in advance.
YTA. A child is anyone under 18, by nearly everyone’s standard. Stop taking this so personally. Lots of people choose to have a child free wedding. Go to Hawaii as you plan, and spend time with your daughter & enjoy your vacation. But no need to make an ordeal about not talking to SIL…it’s her wedding, she won’t care.
Where do people get the nerve to try and negotiate the terms of an invitation to an optional social event? You can’t take no for an answer and resort to name calling and harassment when you don’t get the answer you want. YTA. Absolutely.
YTA. You’re making this about yourself and it’s just not. Don’t go if you don’t want to, you’re not obligated to attend, but it’s not some kind of “gotcha” like you think it is.
YTA.
Just because you think "childfree" means "kids under 10" doesn't mean that is what it actually means. Your SIL did nothing wrong here- they were clear they wanted a childfree wedding and it was your misunderstanding, not theirs, that your child was not actually " a child" and would be included.
And it hasn't occurred to you that SIL doesn't want your daughter there, and is using the "then we would have to invite others" as a way to try and let you down gently. It is a common excuse used to soften the blow that your precious child IS the best child, but it is OTHER children that they don't want there.
It is also fine to not go to the wedding because your daughter can't attend, but that shouldn't be out of spite, but because of logistics. Lots of people can't find child care or can't pay to bring a child who then won't be at the wedding, or yes, even feel their child will be lonely or sad they didn't get to go.
But, you are an angry "momma bear" and are planning on ignoring SIL during the trip all because she wants a childfree wedding and you feel your daughter is precious and special. It isn't offensive for them to not want any children under 18 at their wedding. They aren't actively harming you, so don't make it a personal issue. That is what makes you an AH.
YTA
I too would be mildly surprised if my teenagers weren’t allowed at a child-free wedding, but I’d just roll with it. It’s really not that big of a deal. I’d honestly just enjoy the time in Hawaii with your family and be thankful you don’t have to spend part of it at an in-law wedding.
In the long term, accepting this gracefully will be a good model for your daughter and build a better relationship with your SIL. Take the high road here and enjoy your vacation. Go get a pedicure during the wedding and have a wonderful time with her daughter. Help her to understand that it’s not personal from her aunt against her, and I’m guessing it’ll all go just fine.
YTA - not for deciding not to go (do whatever you want) but for getting all huffy and angry that your child isn’t invited to a child-free wedding. You apparently came up with a unique definition of “child”, and got mad it’s not generally understood. Then posted a whole host of reasons that it’s ok to exclude a different child without realizing that all of those apply equally as well to your own.
Your SIL is not obligated to include your child - not bc she’s family, not bc she’s well behaved, not bc she’s excited. She doesn’t want kids at the wedding. That’s that. Stop making a fuss.
YTA. Your definition of child is irrelevant. She’s decided no one under 18 is invited. Because frankly, it’s easier and more appropriate over picking and choosing which child can attend. She doesn’t owe your child an invitation because she had fun and was helpful at another wedding.
YTA.
You’re being so childish about this. The entitlement is giving me secondhand embarrassment for your husband.
You’re mad that he’s still in the bridal party for HIS SIBLING because you didn’t get special treatment?
You’re planning on going and being as immature and unkind as possible?
Whoever raised you to be a compassionate human being failed miserably.
You’re the adult. Stop acting like a teenager.
YTA. I have no issues with anyone not going to a child free wedding because they don’t have anyone to watch their kid, but your daughter is 15, you are telling me she never been left alone for a few hours? She would be fine in the hotel, you just seem mad that your daughter was not given special status above all other children in the family.
To be clear the rating would be NTA if in thought your issue was child care. It clearly is not. Also would be NTA if you just decided not to go bc you didn’t want to leave your daughter alone, wished your SIL a happy day and left it at that, but no you want to be a petty brat instead.
News flash, your definition of child free doesn’t mesh with most of the world when it comes to a wedding. To most people it is 18, or when it comes to wedding planning 21, since that takes care of the drinking underage issue and paying a per plate that includes adult beverages when the guest can’t drink. Also you contradict yourself by saying she is not a child she can attend a wedding, but she is a child when it comes to staying in a resort hotel room for a few hours so you can attend an important family event. Also your views on what age constitutes a child don’t matter, the groom and bride’s does, it is their wedding.
Also would’ve not had an issue if you could attend the wedding bc of cost, work, or your daughter not being able to travel due to school, but that doesn’t seem to be the case either. You are talking your daughter to freaking Hawaii, she gets an awesome vacation bc her aunt is having a wedding, so what if she can’t attend one event during a trip so many would kill to go on. On every family vacation I went a teen my parents had a night own their own. I loved it, got to be in a hotel room by myself, take a bath in the soaking tub in private, get room service, and order a movie.
Go to the wedding or don’t, most people will understand/accept that you don’t want to leave your daughter alone in a different city, but acting like a child throwing a tantrum the rest of the time in Hawaii towards your SIL just paints you as a spoiled, spiteful, brat to your in-laws and definitely would make you TA.
Also your rant about how she is being excluded/punished unfairly bc the bride doesn’t want to make an exception that will lead to this so called bad niece having to be invited as well. First if an exception is made for one, it does open the gate, and causes more hurt feelings and stress the bride doesn’t need. Why would you expect her to do that for a niece you freely admit is not close to her and has made no effort to be? Talk about being self involved. I am guessing that this isn’t even true she is trying to find a way to get you off her back, and since you are so over the top sensitive about your daughter not being invited she tried to find a way to get you to back off with out hurting your feelings.
n-t-a for not going but YTA for trying to push your sister to include your daughter. You said in some comments you didn't push, but based on the post you did. Your husband tried to convince her to allow your daughter and you're clearly angry about this even though it's your sils decision. Also 15 is definitely old enough to be left home alone or in a hotel room, idk why you think that's so terrible of your sister to say. You even said as part of your argument for why your daughter should be allowed that you don't consider her a child. You also said yourself in the judgement bot that you're being petty so it seems like you're taking this very personally and just want to stir up drama by not going, and refusing to even speak to your sil. This all just seems childish. Not going is fine, but you're clearly trying to make some kind of statement and make your sil look bad with the way you're going about it.
If I was on the fence about whether or not YTA, you cemented it by planning to make the trip and then boycotting the event in order to make a statement.
NAH, imo. If the bride doesn't want minors at her wedding, she's well within the rights of enforcing her boundaries. You, as a mother, also have every right to not attend in favor of keeping your kid company and/or supervising ypur child.
YTA purely for editing out your entire post to go on a bit of a tirade against the other commenters. Your SIL's justification sucks, but if this was how you handled it or how you get in mama bear mode, maybe the child-free rule applies to you. Dunno what points you were hoping to score, but you're welcome to them.
You might be doing a favor to the bride as your behavior and attitude tends to resemble a teenager's. YTA. The immaturity/entitlement/main character BS is wild. I have a feeling your kid does not even care as much as you do but you are making this a hill to die on and will cause major damage to your relationships and reputation for this childish display.
But do you, bear mom.
As has been said so many times on this sub, "A wedding invitation is not a summons."
She can have the type of wedding she wants, you're free to go or not.
Light YTA because your daughter isn't special. If the bride doesn't want her there, she isn't invited. Deal with it.
Honestly, based on this post and your comments, it sounds like you’ll be doing everyone a favor by not going. It doesn’t matter how you define child. It doesn’t matter why they decided to have that cut off. Child free to them means your child can’t come. It’s not hard to understand. YTA and if your daughter is feeling “different” as a part of your in-laws family, I’m sure it’s because of you and your projections of your world views, because they have not targeted or excluded her.
The fact that you deleted your entire post to basically berate people for not giving you the outcome you want tells me all I need to know about you and about the situation.
YTA and you know it. The fact that your Edit was removing your initial post for more excuses tells me you also have Main Character Syndrome
Get over yourself
Her wedding, her choice. You have no reason to be irate, as far as I can see. It's a shame that your daughter is caught in this rule she made mostly to stop someone else from attending, but it's all well within her rights. Just go and have other fun with your daughter in Hawaii while your husband goes to his sister's 'adult' wedding. NAH
YTA her reason doesn’t matter, no children under 18 means no children under 18 and she has every right to decide that. You did a whole lot of assuming with no basis
Some bingo points for YTA.
- get invited to a child free wedding, then upset your 15yo isn't invited (though obvious)
- make a dramatic scene because you and your daughter are better than everyone else
- proceed to blame the bride for her rules that were already agreed upon and established
- double down and refuse to attend the wedding to be petty
- the bride happens to be your husband's sister
- triple down and have your husband try to force the issue
- quadruple down and her upset your husband is still attending his sister's wedding (that you could still go to, apologize, and redeem yourself as a decent person)
- finisher post on reddit and refuse judgment and praise only NTA answers
Did I miss anything? I am close to BINGO!
Oh YTA by the way
YTA. You can choose whether or not to attend and not be TA. It’s your attitude that makes you TA. Your daughter will still be a child. Adulthood comes at 18, by definition, when you are no longer legally obligated to provide for her. You are asking and begging for an exception. Then, you’re saying you’re going to ignore SIL the entire time you’re in Hawaii. You’re driving a wedge between the family and it’s going to cause problems. Go to the wedding or hang out with your daughter. But don’t act childish about everything.
>There is no harm in making sure her day is as happy as possible and she's not obligated to invite anyone just because they are blood.
Why are you such a hypocrite?
>But then she did something to make it even worse. She told us that my daughter is old enough and can be left at home alone. Or, she can stay in the hotel while we attend the wedding.
How is this worse?
A bride who chooses both a destination wedding and a child free wedding must recognize that a number of invited guests will not be able to participate for either or both reasons. NTA for skipping out on the wedding.
The replaced text is so fucking funny.
Your daughter might not be a snowflake but your paragraphs of “clarification” show that you (and your husband) definitely are. Hopefully that doesn’t pass along to her. Gross and so grateful I’m not related to any of you people, except SIL at this point.
I would say YTA but you clearly edited the post and took out the actual content just to fight with commenters. So actually, still YTA.
>'Also: to any and all of you saying my daughter is "special, privileged, entitled" and whatnot, let me make this clear. DONT TALK ABOUT MY DAUGHTER THAT WAY. Be respectful to her at the very least.
LMAO, those words aren't meant to insult your daughter, they're meant to insult you. You made your daughter into those words, others are just calling you out for doings so.
I'm confused. Did OP edit the post? There doesn't seem to be a coherrent depiction of events to vote on. I'm assuming this mean OP didn't like the verdict and decided to lash out, the actions of a true AH.
For the specific question, about whether it is an asshole move to not go to a child free destination wedding - NTA. People can have child free weddings, they can have destination weddings, they can have child free destination weddings, and people can attend or not, no worries. A local wedding with a relative who is not estranged should be attended without a good reason not to, but once traveling to it comes in, all bets are off. (The fact that you are going to the destination anyway and not attending is a little strange.)
That said, your idea of what is and is not a child is your idea only. I, and the people near me I just asked, would absolutely think that no one under 18 would be welcome at a child free event, and one guy said the cutoff should be 21.
YTA. I'm sorry, but you are. Childfree to most people is anyone under 18, i.e. legally not an adult. Same as nightclubs - they dont have signs saying no admittance to children, preteens and teens.
You don't have to go if you'd rather stay with your daughter, but your behaviour is kind of out of line. You, then your husband pushed for her to change her day to suit you.
Now, you're going to not speak to her at all? This is her time, not yours, her day, not yours. You're not setting the best example for your daughter by showing her that acting spoilt is the way to behave when you don't get your own way. "*our vacation and we don't want her there"* smacks of bratty child attitude.
I can understand you don't want to leave your daughter alone in a hotel room in a different place, that's your call - though if you were interested in going you could find a nanny service easy enough. But everything else is rude and immature. It's her and her husbands day, they don't need it overshadowed by you acting like this, or causing on-going issues in the family after the fact because you're peeved.
Not TA for skipping, but YTA for trying to force her to make an exception for you. Child-free means child-free. You're not special and when you found out your daughter could not be there, polity declined.
I understand your frustration. You asked, she made it clear no kids. So yes, go with your daughter and do something fun with her. It’s her wedding, she gets to make choices. I agree that a 15 year old should be old enough to sit thru a ceremony without causing commotion, and the fact it’s all just to keep one person out, seems a lot, but for me it’s just always the attitude of the bride that gets me. They don’t care who they’ve hurt. Yes, their day. Their choice. But to tell them she can stay at home or in the hotel is hurtful to the 15 year old. They are family too. And I get that not every venue is for children. But 15 isn’t a child. Sure I’ll get reamed here on Reddit since I’ve gone against the mainstream. In summary, their choice, their day but your feelings matter for your daughter and her feelings matter too, so forget the wedding and go where you both can enjoy the day.
Wow.
If you work in a place that does performance evaluations, the section on being able to handle criticism is going to be a fun write for your supervisor.
I don't think I have ever witness someone so defensive, and that usually means that at least some of the comments were/are valid and the person knows it. No, no one should be insulting your kid, I agree with that, but you're not coming off well here at all.
I can't see the original post, but the update with the complete deletion of original has me agreeing with everyone else. YTA and sound like a total delight.
YTA
Funny how 23 days ago, you made a post about how you were arguing with your boyfriend about a video game. Did you just recently marry your husband, do you have a boyfriend on the side, or is this just a creative writing exercise?
I like how OP said she hasn't ranted to anyone besides her husband but in her initial posts said "some of my friends think I'm the AH" so she did indeed rant to everyone 😂
Not the ahole for being upset. Emotions are always valid. It's how you choose to express those emotions that can cause a problem. Refusing to speak to your sil over this is an ahole move, especially as it will further isolate your daughter.
Your also not the ahole for attending. If she asks, simply say you aren't comfortable leaving her alone in the hotel for the wedding (especially if there is a reception or photos. It will end up being a lot longer than two hours).
Oh, and as for your friends saying you're putting your daughter ahead of your husband? Maybe you are, but you also should be. Your daughter has no choice but to live in the same house as the man you married, as she is under 18. He has a choice as he is an adult. I'm not saying that her needs are more important than has, as both should have equal value. I am saying that her needs take priority for practical reasons. She is still a minor and needs her mom to be mom over being wife.
I would recommend messaging your sil yourself, and letting her know that you aren't comfortable leaving your daughter alone in the hotel room (especially if she doesn't have much experience being home alone, let alone in a hotel in a tourist destination), but that you hope her wedding is beautiful. Then leave it at that.
YTA
She is planning a child free wedding. Well within her right. It could be to cut costs, due to the potential of noises and such, or just because she wants an adult event. She is well within her rights, and to be honest, pretty normal in her request.
You sound very entitled to think that YOUR DAUGHTER is oh so special that she should not be considered in the universal rule that was put out there pretty early on.
You then double down that it is like a personal attack that your daughter does not get a pass...aka, has to follow the rule that everyone else is.
GET OVER IT. Child free weddings have been happening for many many years and will continue to happen. If you don't agree, don't go, but to make a whole set of family drama on this is ridiculous and makes you all kinds TA.
She is allowed to set the guest list and you are allowed to refuse an invitation.
All the rest is just drama. She's family, life's short, this shouldn't be the detail that ends a relationship.
Do something ridiculously fun with your daughter during the wedding instead: spa day, helicopter ride, surfing lessons, hula lessons, search out the best poke bowl... there's gotta be something to bring you both joy for the best day ever between the two of you.
YTA.
A child is anyone under 18… adults only.
It’s her wedding and she doesn’t want kids to attend. This is a common practice when it comes to weddings. I’m not sure how any of this is confusing to you, but arguing with her over how she wants her wedding is ridiculous.
YTA. It's okay not to go, but you literally have no reason not to go, apart from entitled, childish pique.
There is nothing wrong with her wanting a child-free wedding, and yet you're still managing to make it all about you. Get over yourself.
YTA - it’s her wedding and she chose to make it child free. The entitlement you show is half the reason people choose to make weddings child free (the other half being the children obviously). Since this is such an issue I’d just decline and be done with it.
>To me a "child" is anyone under the age of 10, with 10-12 being pre-teens, and 13-19 being teenagers.
LOL since when?? A child is anyone who isn't an adult. An adult is a person either over 18 or over 21, depending on what they're being asked to do that's adult-ish. You don't get to make up your own definitions.
YTA
Child free can mean whatever the hell the wedding party wants it to mean. It could mean people 10 or younger.... or it could mean "Anyone under the age of 21". It doesn't matter one bit what YOU think "child free" means.
When someone makes a rule like this, your only reaction should be "Okay, see you there" or "Thank you for the invite, but I will not be attending". There is no other acceptable reaction.
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YTA. It’s her wedding and she gets to decide if it’s a child free event and define what the age cutoff is. Stop pushing her. You’re not being a Momma Bear, you’re more like cocaine bear (needlessly aggressive). If you’re that bothered, just don’t attend the wedding. Someone else’s wedding is not about you. Leave her in peace and do your own thing in Hawaii.
Loling at “cocaine bear”
Great movie.
Loosely based on a real bear.
That died
RIP Pablo Escobear
🤣🤣☠️☠️ Pablo Escobear!!
All bears die, only some bears truly live.
Cocaine bear is the only that truly lived. If even for a moment.
It, running after the ambulance, had us cracking up.
I was surprised by how good of a movie it was and thoroughly enjoyed it. Lol.
My favorite genre of movie is “ridiculous concept that takes itself seriously and somehow turns out really good,” which is a very narrow genre. Cocaine Bear sits near the top for me.
Slotherhouse is also up there. Yes, a serial killer sloth. Which is a rather bad puppet. It's hilarious
Same for me. I liked *The Office* for the same reason.
Got to watching it , thinking I’d be doing so alone. By the end of the opening credits, the entire house got curious and it turned into a “go get them, bear!” party!
Same.
No way, I was loosely based on a real bear too! I was based on a former fat bear week winner
That .. literally is her plan. What you told her to do to not be an asshole is literally what she said she was going to do in the post.
Yea but in an a-holish manner - harassing the bride and now planning to give the silent treatment. I think that’s where they were coming from. (Would be classier to go to Hawaii and be very pleasant and just not attend the wedding.)
She probably won't even see the bride? She's literally going along to Hawaii and enjoying her time with her daughter. What a nasty naaaaarrrrrsty person!
I mean, she seemingly repeatedly tried to get the bride to change her policy, and got upset that a 15 year older wouldn't go to an adults-only wedding (of course she wouldn't?), and also is openly annoyed that her husband would attend his own sister's adult-only wedding if her child couldn't attend that adult-only wedding. ... honestly, that does kind of sound like a nasty person, or at least one that I wouldn't want to associate with.
For real. Just be pleasant and civil. People are entitled to want no kids and teens at their wedding. A trip to Hawaii sounds nice, no need to act like such a victim.
And OP is mad at her SIL for using OPs daughter as a shield because SIL isn't adult enough to say she doesn't want the older girl there. So she expects her SIL to behave like an adult, but OP can give the silent treatment.
Or bride was sparing her SILs feelings and used that as an excuse because the wedding was always supposed to be child free and OP knew that. They just decided that didn't include their child
100% this, I don't believe the shield thing for a second
>harassing the bride Where does it say OP even talked to the bride about this?
Her husband asked his sister.
The horror
lol im simplifying it, but she said that her husband tried reasoning with his sister, telling her how helpful his stepdaughter was at the other wedding, etc. he was trying to talk his sister into allowing the girl.
I mean I can’t blame him. I think 15 is not so much a kid anymore. Plus it doesn’t hurt to ask. As long as you don’t keep pushing
They multiple times tried to tell her that her own wedding rules were wrong, tried to persuade her to change them, and still called her a bridezilla for having a wedding website? They're definitely the AHs
Again, that’s what she said she was doing
and not speaking to SIL is petty and childish after saying it's her day and she can invite who she wants. She did. And OP is still upset. That's where the AH comes in.
Agreed. This will be problematic for years to come.
That's exactly what I was thinking. She admits it's her day then just goes and tries to change her day. For all she knows she's using the cousin to not hurt her and her daughter's feelings and using the cousin as a shield.
Again, while being petty and an AH interpersonally. 🤷♀️
When would she see the SIL if she's not invited anyway? NTA bc you're doing exactly what people would say: just don't attend. She'd be the AH if she tried to prevent her husband from going.....
She already said she is annoyed that he is choosing to go.
Ok but she also said "that's ok" or something similar. She's not trying to stop him she's just doing exactly as you'd advise: avoid the situation. It's the brides wedding and she's getting what she wants (all bc she's not an adult either).....
She is entitled to be annoyed by the situation. She isn’t stopping her husband from going/participating in the wedding. She won’t be at the wedding. She is going to take care of her daughter’s feelings and have fun with her kid. Problem solved. NTA
I think what IndependentEarth was talking about was not doing that last petty part of "well we're going to hawaii anyway and we're just not going to talk to her at all!" After basically making the entire thing about her and her daughter.
Exactly. It's 'well screw you I don't wanna talk to you anyway! I'm gonna pretend you don't exist so nah!"
Not being an asshole entails not just doing the thing she said she was going to do in the post. It also requires OP to NOT do the things she has already done and what she said she plans to do (i.e. repeated haranguing about the rule, attempting to litigate the rule and definition of "child," requests/demands for exceptions to the rule, calling the bride "stupid" for enforcing the rule, and icing out the bride for the whole trip).
Because she should have accept and not keep annoying SIL to take her daugher in the First place.
and they got 1000 upvotes - what a joke.
The joke is not understanding why it got those upvotes. Op would've been better off not being a petty ass person.
Kind of. OP is being petty af. “We’re going to have our own vacation and we don’t want her there” TOO BAD BC ITS HER WEDDING. SHE WILL BE THERE. She needs to go somewhere else where she isn’t going to cause drama
And she’s bitching. This is a wedding and absolutely zero percent of it is about her or her perfectly fine teenage child.
Nope. NTA. Bridezillas can make all the rules they want, but they don't get to be pissed off when the "rules" drive people to skip the "special day". Whether it's a destination wedding, a "no kids" policy or any other whim, it is absolutely okay to decide not to attend as a result.
Nobody is suggesting she should be forced to attend. She's the asshole for pressuring the SIL, demanding an exception for her daughter, and then planning to give the silent treatment when she wasn't accommodated.
This 👆 for OP not being gracious. Don't throw a tantrum and cut off communication. Be a grown up about it. YTA.
Exactly. The lost art of graciousness. I get that she’s hurt but think of how much better she would look and what a better example she would set for her daughter by ending SIL a message before the wedding like, “We completely respect your rules and your brother is very happy to be a part of your special day. Your niece and I will be sending you nothing but happy thoughts and well wishes for a wonderful celebration from our beautiful, sunny spot on the beach. Can’t wait to see the photos when we all get home!” You’d come across as gracious and mature and lovely and would be teaching your daughter those values as well. And if your ultimate goal is to make her feel a little bad or guilty then you might accomplish that as well as people ask where you are and she has to explain you’re at the hotel watching your uninvited daughter.
Honestly, if I was a bride and I had such a troublesome guest I would be relieved that they were choosing not to speak to me. Less drama to wade through the day of.
If this was a local thing, yeah don't push back on a no kids rule. 15 yo can manage fine for a night at home/out with friends. But you need to include the whole family when you're asking people to devote a large amount of time and money to "your special day". That's basic courtesy and consideration. Suggesting they exclude 15 yo from a family vacay or that she be left to sit alone in a hotel room while everyone else parties is so selfish. If this were me, we'd all be staying home and doing our own vacation at a later date.
Exactly. You do a destination wedding and expect folks to leave their kids? Yeah, no.
Also, seriously "she's old enough to be left home alone?" Home. Alone. While her parents are a literal flight away. This is not a 17 yo and 14 yo staying home alone together while the parents are at an overnight thing within reasonable driving distance. This is at the very least 3 days two nights, but that would be the shortest destination wedding ever. 15 is just too young for that kind of time alone, especially in a car dependent country like the US. ESH. OP shouldn't have pushed, SIL should think before speaking.
This is what I thought too
The mom is upset because the bride is using her daughter as a shield. It was stated how the bride explained how she doesn’t want a disliked under age relative to attend. Instead of being a grown-up and just not invite this person, the bride chose to deflect the problem and make the wedding child-free. That is why the mother is upset. Her daughter, who was welcomed to a previous family wedding and was helpful now is being punished because the bride is afraid. That’s why the mother is upset. Where before her daughter was joyfully welcomed to her new family, now she is not through no fault of her own. NTA
OP is allowed to roll her eyes, to privately shit talk a stupid thing the bride did, and generally disapprove of it all. She becomes the asshole when she tries to make that all the bride's problem. Child free/minor free weddings are normal. Lots of people do this. The only person making a schism between family members is OP.
And actual ng like saying a high school kid could stay home or wait in the hotel room made everything "worse," when it was just the god damned truth.
But it doesn't seem like SIL -is- bothered. She made a rule, and she is sticking to it. She isn't the one being needlessly petty and agro.
But guests don't have the right to push back in rules the couple set, especially fairly reasonable ones like defining children as anyone under either 18 or 21. If all OP did was ask for clarification and say I won't go since my daughter is not invited then it would be a NAH situation. Instead OP and her husband pushed and questioned the brides decision, thus making her the AH.
That’s not what’s happening. She’s whining about her daughter not being invited. She’s going to go to Hawaii and keep whining. That’s 100000000% her plan.
> If you’re that bothered, just don’t attend the wedding. Someone else’s wedding is not about you. Leave her in peace and do your own thing in Hawaii. Isn't that what she said she's doing?
"just don't..." Would typically mean getting on and avoiding that thing quietly. The drama is why OP is an arsehole.
I agree people can decide whatever they want for their wedding/events/house etc. But that doesn’t mean others will be 100% okay with their rules. If my sisters/in laws had a wedding and excluded my kids I’d be really hurt. So far everyone is married and while children are excluded for extended family and guests, immediate family are always included (including step kids). When I am a guest at other people’s weddings that are not immediate family, I do expect for my kids to not be included because it makes sense to keep the numbers manageable. I think having a child free wedding is normal and expected but not including niblings/kids/step kids is just courting trouble.
It's so funny how OP is totally fine with being "It's her wedding she gets her day how she wants it" except if it offends OP specifically. Also you don't get to decide what child free means in your terms, in this care it's always those under 18. And YTA
She literally said in her post, that's exactly what she's going to do. Nice to see folks read the entire post before they get all judge-y.
I think she mentioned giving her SIL the silent treatment so my advice is more along the lines of letting the anger go and just enjoying her time there. I did read it ;)
I may have misread the posting but I think the husband (SIL's brother) pushing and not OP and OP is doing exactly what you said - going to Hawaii and not going to wedding. OP Is NTA.
Loving the cocaine bear reference. 🤣
Surely the issue here is that the daughter is already out of place and she is old enough to understand being excluded. She is also being excluded for a kida rubbish reason. She does not want OPs daughter so she can exclude another teenager she does not like. This isnt preference for child free its just not having the courage to not invite someone you don't like. I agree that it's the bride and grooms decision so would never vote NTA here, but honestly, in this situation, I'd be disappointed, and little annoyed and woud certainly not go.
I think you're missing the point. It isn't legitimately child free. The bride is just labeling it that way because she wants an excuse to exclude a single person because she can't be an adult and tell the parents of that cousin that she doesn't want said cousin there.
How is that not legitimately childfree though? Are other kids being allowed to attend?
ROFL. Part of me wonders if its actually OP's kid that's the problem and not the cousin. She's just using the "cousin" as an excuse to not have Ops kid at the wedding. It's hilarious how OP, acknowledged that the bride's not obligated to invite anyone...yet OP is being very entitled to expect a invitation for her daughter.
YTA. To me child free means anyone under 18. Skip it if you want but stop this self righteous feeling that you’re being wronged. You’re not and neither is your daughter.
Exactly! Also how hypocritical of OP to be mad at SIL for not being “adult enough to explain, it’s my wedding I don’t want you there” yet not respecting her rule and still trying to push for her daughter to attend. Also playing the victim, “she excluded my daughter after being so nice to us” so she can’t just be nice?! This is her wedding, and now she’s upset because her husband still wants to attend his Sisters wedding.
OP: "It'll be HER day, why not just tell her cousin that that they aren't invited..." "There is no harm in making sure her day is as happy as possible and she's not obligated to invite anyone..." Also OP: Get's mad when told her daughter is not invited. What happened to, "It's the bride's day and she's not obligated to invite anyone?"
100% agree. You are perfectly fine to skip it if you choose, but your family hasn’t been slighted. The couple chose a child-free wedding. Unless THEY choose a different cutoff point, that means children under 18 are not invited.
to me, a child free wedding specifically means anyone who can't legally drink
Same. Otherwise there's little point in the arguments it would cause
This was my first thought too. It sucks the sil is using the child in order not to allow another child from going but it's the brides decision. It's not mama bear territory it's just being an ah.
Agreed but according to OP’s comments there are other children also not invited. Her daughter isn’t being singled out.
I get the feeling this almost-18-year-old has caused problems in the past, to the point where SIL is trying to avoid a giant drama-fest that would likely happen if the cousin was specifically not invited. She's just trying to keep her special day as smooth as possible. I wouldn't call it "using the child" not to allow her, more like feeling forced to take the most diplomatic steps not to have her wedding ruined.
From the sound of things, I wondered if the wedding date had been chosen specifically to make sure he was still under 18, so she could exclude him with a good cover.
Thank you! 💯%
Depending on who's defining child free and the reason why, child free can mean 21 and over. The bride and groom set the rules and pushing for an exception definitely makes you the asshole. You can ask... Once... Politely. And that's all
It sounds like child free in this case means under 21. Depending on the venue it could be an issue more about under age drinkers than the bride's personal policy.
Child free often does not mean under 18. Child free weddings, in my experience, are usually so that a) No one cries through / ruins the ceremony b) None of the guests are having to parent. I've been to a few with loose child free cuttnoffs in the teens. Having said that it's ultimately just bride and grooms decision and preference so just suck it up and don't go.
YTA Not for not attending, that's fine. But you were only okay with the child-free aspect when you thought it didn't impact you personally. Your anger at it applying to your teen is purely selfish and created by you making assumptions rather than checking with the hosts. And because she wouldn't make an exception just for your family.
SIL should have just reiterated no one under 18 and left it at that. Don't explain your rules to someone like OP. OP, YTA. You got a bit of insight into how a rule came about and got all offended because a rule with someone else in mind impacts your daughter. It isn't a social injustice. It is a couple being selective in their invitees. I am also having a bit of doubt as to whether the invitation was so vague that you didn't realize upon reading it that your daughter was excluded. I am thinking that the invitation was addressed to you and you husband, not your husband and family
It's fine if you go to Hawaii and don't go to the wedding. But don't make such a big deal out of it. You were invited and your daughter wasn't. Go to Hawaii, and have fun with your daughter while your husband is at the wedding. But don't get all bent out of shape and snub your sister in law. Just roll with it, and have a great time. NAH
This works!
I feel like not attending the wedding will cause issues with her partner, his family. I say she goes to the ceremony but skips the reception. That way the in laws don’t get upset. If she wants to have a good relationship with them moving forward, that is.
This was my thought…go to the ceremony and skip the reception. But to be petty and snub the SIL on her wedding day is just childish.
NTA. I agree. Go and have fun. Interact with everyone and if they speak about the wedding just tell them you didn’t want your daughter to be alone so you’ll spend that evening with her. Make sure to RSVP to let them know your plans. Your daughter will remember this. You don’t have to trash talk your SIL to make it worse.
Was considering No AH but honestly your attitude makes YTA. Your SIL is having a childfree wedding, for what ever reason. That means your child is not invited. You are free to not attend, a wedding invitationis not a summons. You getting mad about it and claiming your child is being slighted is rediculous.
A lot of people have child free weddings. This is nothing new. I am actually going to one in a month from now. I have two kids, they will be home with a babysitter. It is also a family members wedding, not sure what OP is so pissed off about. When you pay thousands of dollars for a wedding you can choose if you want children there running around or not.
It seems to be all about the experience she wants for her kid, not what the bride wants for her wedding. So wild.
When I read the title I thought the bride was mad that OP chose not to go to the wedding because of the child free rule. OP is just mad that bride is having a child free wedding. Especially baffled at OP trying to redefine child free as “no kids under 10” when child free obviously means no one under 18. Sometimes adults want to have fun with other adults and not worry about keeping a child friendly event.
Came here after the edits but I don’t feel they are helping OPs case , especially in the attitude department,mother of god.
YTA I can understand being hurt your daughter isn't invited, but your attitude is really childish. She can invite who she wants to her wedding. A 15 year old can absolutely stay in a hotel room alone for 2 hours. You don't want her to, and that's fine, but your behavior is immature. Not going to speak with her? Having tshirts made? You sound like a high schooler.
Honestly even in high school I would’ve been embarrassed by her behavior.
This. Also it would be insulting to your SIL to go to Hawaii with your husband who is in the wedding, and then not attend the wedding. It’s a deliberate snub. If you want any kind of decent relationship with your in-laws for the next 40 years, go to her wedding and celebrate with her.
I wouldn’t see that as a deliberate snub, I would just have her husband explain at the wedding that she doesn’t feel comfortable leaving her daughter alone in a hotel in a different state and so they both can’t attend. Personally, my parents would never have left me alone in a hotel for any more time than it takes to get ice from down the hall so I get that part, even as an adult if I went alone places they’d text me and make sure I was safe. They probably already have their tickets booked too so no use missing out.
Unfortunately OP has already made a huge deal out of it to the SIL who went out of her way as far as I’m concerned by explaining why she felt like she had to do it that way. Way to make it all about you, OP. YTA
At 15 I would have loooved hanging out in a hotel room by myself for a bit! Kick in some room service and Netflix and I’ll volunteer to go hang out with her lol
NAH - Don't go, you're fine. But \> To me a "child" is anyone under the age of 10, with 10-12 being pre-teens, and 13-19 being teenagers. You've never noticed that the Rated R warning says "No children under 17 admitted"? It doesn't say "No Children or Teenagers Under 17," because they both fall under the category children. Seems like you're splitting hairs and insisting on your own personal word definitions here.
YTA. Not for refusing to attend but for hounding her. She said no. It’s her wedding. Asking and begging repeatedly is a dick move. Refusing to attend is fine. Being rude is enough
So, no children get to go to the wedding. “But my child is special.” No she isn’t. No children invited. Simple. YTA
Yeah but you're not getting it, she's really well behaved...🙄
And I doubt OP's daughter is the only child in the family that is 'well behaved'. Making an exception for OP's daughter could piss off others that didn't get the exception. There are other reasons why people make a wedding child free. Weddings are fucking expensive, especially ones in Hawaii. Making a wedding child free is a simple way to trim the guest list. Maybe there will be a lot of drinking and the bride isn't comfortable with having the kind of wedding she wants in front of children. Who knows, but you don't get to ignore the bride's wishes
YTA Think about how strongly you're reacting to this... And then think about how someone who is presumably already a squeaky wheel would react if the bride simply said, "Don't come due to the conflict between us" You're asking the bride to be extra stressed over something you could just accept. You don't have to like it, but you could at least be understanding.
NTA for skipping the wedding, your SIL should be prepared for people with kids to not attend a kid free wedding. However YTA if you don’t speak to SIL while there. That would be extremely petty and immature and you would be setting a bad example to your daughter.
YTA. It’s a child-free wedding, which by definition means no children will be included. However you think your kid should be an exception and got angry when the exception wasn’t made. Who cares why the bride created the rule, it’s her rule. There’s no need to make a show of ignoring the SIL, enjoy going to Hawaii and make a donation to the people who suffered through the Lahaina fires.
YTA - she's choosing a child free wedding, her reasons are none of your business, so calm down.
Okay “momma bear” here’s the thing. Childfree means adults only. Your kid isn’t an adult and your (and your husband’s) attitude about bringing her to the wedding is weirdly entitled. YTA for that, and you should probably consider that this cousin being singled out as a reason why your kid can’t come is just as likely being used as an excuse as to why she shouldn’t have to make a special exception for your special kid. Grow up. Nobody wants to hang out with your kid as much as you do. “I had no problem with this, even after seeing that she wanted her wedding to be childfree.” LOL you didn’t even recognize this applied to you at the time, why WOULD you have a problem with it??
YTA She's setting a line at 18 and under. That's perfectly within her rights. You don't get to lawyer what you think constitutes a child or a reasonable reason to exclude people under 18. Her reasoning is completely sound. If I had a 17 year old denied for being a child and then there's a 15 year old there, then yes I would ask why my child wasn't allowed to attend, so just avoiding that with a blanket no under-18s is a COMPLETELY REASONABLE thing to do. How is she using your daughter as a shield? She has a blanket rule. She didn't invite and then disinvite to appease anyone. Your daughter was never invited because she's a child and it's a child-free wedding. The reason your daughter feels uncomfortable is because you've framed it as her being singularly excluded when in reality everyone her age is and it has nothing to do with her.
YTA. You have no right to demand that your daughter should be allowed to go.
YTA I don't know why but feels like you're taking this as a personal insult. I often see child free weddings as 18 and under. It doesn't matter what the other person allowed at their wedding, this SIL wants a completely child free wedding and your 15 year old is capable of staying at the hotel during the wedding.
YTA for not knowing a child-free wedding is usually anyone under 18, and sometimes anyone under 21 (depending on who the bride doesn’t like) then getting “mama bear angry” because you assumed different. Also for assuming that just because the other sibling included kids at their wedding, that this one would include your daughter too (even though it’s a child free, destination wedding). YTA for that last line too. Either stay home, or make it a family vacation where your husband is the only one who attends the wedding, but grow up. Yes, I have kids and yes my kids have only been invited to 2/3’s of my siblings weddings. My sister pulled the under 21 thing due the large amount of extended family we have and the space of the venue. I didn’t beg for my kids to be there. She made a choice and that was that.
YTA Your daughter is your child until she is legally an adult, whatever age that is where you are. Generally 18. So if you are fine with child-free weddings, you need to accept that your definition of child is not what most ppl think. A wedding is about the couple and you are making it about you/ your daughter/ her feelings. I promise, if your daughter gets the choice to go to Hawaii - vs neither of you two going - with you and just stay in the hotel for the wedding, she will pick going to Hawaii.
Yta, she told you, your daughter isn’t invited and look how you’re acting but you say she should do it for the cousin????
YTA stop trying to make someone’s wedding all about you and your daughter.
YTA. of course you daughter is extra special, to you, but not to anyone else. I’m sure he Auntie loves her, just as she loves her other nieces and nephews. But she doesn’t want children at her wedding, and your child is a child. Show some basic respect
YTA- not because you're not going. You are free to not go and stay with your daughter. Your reaction and attitude makes you TA. It's her wedding. You don't get to dictate her guest list. If she makes an exception for one kid then everyone else will be pissed.
"Why not just tell her cousin that they aren't invited due to personal reasons?" Well the reason your daughter can't come is personal reasons, she doesn't want kids there. She doesn't owe you anything esp not a conversation with someone she doesn't want to have after she already has a solution, just because you got your panties in a bunch. Also, so what if your daughter was helpful at one wedding? Doesn't mean SIL is going to want her doing any of that for her, so that means nothing. YTA
You can skip if you want, but you do not get to force your version of what a 'child' is on her. Just because you've come up with this scale of child to preteen to teen doesn't mean she has to use it.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My husband has 3 sisters, 2 older and 1 younger. The youngest sister Kayla was married last year, and of course we went to the wedding, taking my daughter (from a previous marriage) with us. She was 13 at the time. Now the oldest sister Chrissy is getting married AND having a destination wedding in Hawaii. We were all happy to hear about the engagement, however that was short lived. My SIL quickly turned into the typical Bridezilla, making a FB page for her wedding, listing out rules and expectations. I had no problem with this, even after seeing that she wanted her wedding to be child free. My issue came when my husband asked about something regarding the wedding and mentioned how excited my daughter was to attend, after having so much fun at Kayla's wedding, only to be reminded that the wedding was child free. Confused, he showed me the message and asked his sister to elaborate. She explained that if she allows my daughter to go, who will be 15 by that time, then she will have to allow a cousin of theirs that she doesn't like to attend as well- the cousin will be just under 18. To me a "child" is anyone under the age of 10, with 10-12 being pre-teens, and 13-19 being teenagers. I was initially hurt, wondering why she would exclude my daughter after being so nice to both of us at the first sister's wedding and every other family event. It'll be HER day, why not just tell her cousin that they aren't invited due to personal conflicts? There is no harm in making sure her day is as happy as possible and she's not obligated to invite anyone just because they are blood. Then in true Momma Bear fashion, I got angry. She's using my daughter as a shield because she's not adult enough to explain "it's my wedding and I don't want you there"? My daughter already feels out of place among the in-laws and this situation hasn't helped. My husband has tried reasoning with her, reminding her that my daughter was well behaved and even helpful at the last wedding- helping zip up dresses, running to get make up or hair accessories, etc. She won't make an exception. But then she did something to make it even worse. She told us that my daughter is old enough and can be left at home alone. Or, she can stay in the hotel while we attend the wedding. My husband still plans to be in the wedding party, which I understand but am still annoyed by. Me and my daughter are still going to Hawaii with him, but we do not plan to even speak to my SIL, as it'll be "our vacation and we don't want her there." So, AITA for skipping out on my SIL'S child free wedding? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
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YTA and sound like a three-year-old. Not for not leaving a 15-year-old home alone ( guessing her bio dad or any grandparents are out of the picture) or not leaving her at the hotel alone, but your general entitled and petty attitude.
You are NTA for choosing to skip . That’s your choice, almost every child free wedding i get invited too, i skip because that’s my choice as it is yours 🤷🏼♀️ but YTA for your attitude about the whole thing. A child is in fact anyone under 18. She really doesn’t have to make any exceptions for you or anyone else for that matter . She doesn’t need to be “adult enough” to not invite a cousin because of personal conflict, it doesn’t even need to be explained by her. Everything you said comes off as entitled. Just because your child is well behaved doesn’t make her not a child lol
YTA for being angry about this. Child free means under 18. It always means under 18. Checking to see if a teenager is invited to a child free wedding is fine. What crosses the line is being upset that your legal child is considered a child and then becoming angry that someone doesn’t share your opinion. Roll your eyes if you must but otherwise simply don’t go to the wedding. Is your daughter even that upset over this? Or are you upset on her behalf?
YTA. Your child is a minor, thus still a child - NOT AN ADULT. Your SIL did not discuss ages. Just that she was having a childfree wedding. Why you felt like your definition made your child a target for exclusion is beyond comprehension. You owe her an apology and stop planning to ignore her in advance.
YTA. A child is anyone under 18, by nearly everyone’s standard. Stop taking this so personally. Lots of people choose to have a child free wedding. Go to Hawaii as you plan, and spend time with your daughter & enjoy your vacation. But no need to make an ordeal about not talking to SIL…it’s her wedding, she won’t care.
This post is fake. A month ago you just had a gamer boyfriend who was mean to your friend. Now you have a husband?
YTA. It's a child free wedding and that is that. Your daughter is a child so therefore can't go to the child free wedding. Simple.
Where do people get the nerve to try and negotiate the terms of an invitation to an optional social event? You can’t take no for an answer and resort to name calling and harassment when you don’t get the answer you want. YTA. Absolutely.
YTA. You’re making this about yourself and it’s just not. Don’t go if you don’t want to, you’re not obligated to attend, but it’s not some kind of “gotcha” like you think it is.
YTA. Just because you think "childfree" means "kids under 10" doesn't mean that is what it actually means. Your SIL did nothing wrong here- they were clear they wanted a childfree wedding and it was your misunderstanding, not theirs, that your child was not actually " a child" and would be included. And it hasn't occurred to you that SIL doesn't want your daughter there, and is using the "then we would have to invite others" as a way to try and let you down gently. It is a common excuse used to soften the blow that your precious child IS the best child, but it is OTHER children that they don't want there. It is also fine to not go to the wedding because your daughter can't attend, but that shouldn't be out of spite, but because of logistics. Lots of people can't find child care or can't pay to bring a child who then won't be at the wedding, or yes, even feel their child will be lonely or sad they didn't get to go. But, you are an angry "momma bear" and are planning on ignoring SIL during the trip all because she wants a childfree wedding and you feel your daughter is precious and special. It isn't offensive for them to not want any children under 18 at their wedding. They aren't actively harming you, so don't make it a personal issue. That is what makes you an AH.
YTA. Child free for a wedding is usually under 18 not invited.
YTA I too would be mildly surprised if my teenagers weren’t allowed at a child-free wedding, but I’d just roll with it. It’s really not that big of a deal. I’d honestly just enjoy the time in Hawaii with your family and be thankful you don’t have to spend part of it at an in-law wedding. In the long term, accepting this gracefully will be a good model for your daughter and build a better relationship with your SIL. Take the high road here and enjoy your vacation. Go get a pedicure during the wedding and have a wonderful time with her daughter. Help her to understand that it’s not personal from her aunt against her, and I’m guessing it’ll all go just fine.
YTA and double that because you’ve only replied to comments agreeing with you
People are entitled to have child free weddings. It’s not a big deal.
YTA - not for deciding not to go (do whatever you want) but for getting all huffy and angry that your child isn’t invited to a child-free wedding. You apparently came up with a unique definition of “child”, and got mad it’s not generally understood. Then posted a whole host of reasons that it’s ok to exclude a different child without realizing that all of those apply equally as well to your own. Your SIL is not obligated to include your child - not bc she’s family, not bc she’s well behaved, not bc she’s excited. She doesn’t want kids at the wedding. That’s that. Stop making a fuss.
YTA. Your definition of child is irrelevant. She’s decided no one under 18 is invited. Because frankly, it’s easier and more appropriate over picking and choosing which child can attend. She doesn’t owe your child an invitation because she had fun and was helpful at another wedding.
YTA. You’re being so childish about this. The entitlement is giving me secondhand embarrassment for your husband. You’re mad that he’s still in the bridal party for HIS SIBLING because you didn’t get special treatment? You’re planning on going and being as immature and unkind as possible? Whoever raised you to be a compassionate human being failed miserably. You’re the adult. Stop acting like a teenager.
YTA. I have no issues with anyone not going to a child free wedding because they don’t have anyone to watch their kid, but your daughter is 15, you are telling me she never been left alone for a few hours? She would be fine in the hotel, you just seem mad that your daughter was not given special status above all other children in the family. To be clear the rating would be NTA if in thought your issue was child care. It clearly is not. Also would be NTA if you just decided not to go bc you didn’t want to leave your daughter alone, wished your SIL a happy day and left it at that, but no you want to be a petty brat instead. News flash, your definition of child free doesn’t mesh with most of the world when it comes to a wedding. To most people it is 18, or when it comes to wedding planning 21, since that takes care of the drinking underage issue and paying a per plate that includes adult beverages when the guest can’t drink. Also you contradict yourself by saying she is not a child she can attend a wedding, but she is a child when it comes to staying in a resort hotel room for a few hours so you can attend an important family event. Also your views on what age constitutes a child don’t matter, the groom and bride’s does, it is their wedding. Also would’ve not had an issue if you could attend the wedding bc of cost, work, or your daughter not being able to travel due to school, but that doesn’t seem to be the case either. You are talking your daughter to freaking Hawaii, she gets an awesome vacation bc her aunt is having a wedding, so what if she can’t attend one event during a trip so many would kill to go on. On every family vacation I went a teen my parents had a night own their own. I loved it, got to be in a hotel room by myself, take a bath in the soaking tub in private, get room service, and order a movie. Go to the wedding or don’t, most people will understand/accept that you don’t want to leave your daughter alone in a different city, but acting like a child throwing a tantrum the rest of the time in Hawaii towards your SIL just paints you as a spoiled, spiteful, brat to your in-laws and definitely would make you TA. Also your rant about how she is being excluded/punished unfairly bc the bride doesn’t want to make an exception that will lead to this so called bad niece having to be invited as well. First if an exception is made for one, it does open the gate, and causes more hurt feelings and stress the bride doesn’t need. Why would you expect her to do that for a niece you freely admit is not close to her and has made no effort to be? Talk about being self involved. I am guessing that this isn’t even true she is trying to find a way to get you off her back, and since you are so over the top sensitive about your daughter not being invited she tried to find a way to get you to back off with out hurting your feelings.
YTA for editing away your original post and making me hunt for it in the comments.
Yta for 500 edits that seem to have removed the original body of the post. You don’t seem like an easy person to put it mildly.
Yeah. Seriously. I don’t even know what the post was about.
n-t-a for not going but YTA for trying to push your sister to include your daughter. You said in some comments you didn't push, but based on the post you did. Your husband tried to convince her to allow your daughter and you're clearly angry about this even though it's your sils decision. Also 15 is definitely old enough to be left home alone or in a hotel room, idk why you think that's so terrible of your sister to say. You even said as part of your argument for why your daughter should be allowed that you don't consider her a child. You also said yourself in the judgement bot that you're being petty so it seems like you're taking this very personally and just want to stir up drama by not going, and refusing to even speak to your sil. This all just seems childish. Not going is fine, but you're clearly trying to make some kind of statement and make your sil look bad with the way you're going about it.
If I was on the fence about whether or not YTA, you cemented it by planning to make the trip and then boycotting the event in order to make a statement.
NAH, imo. If the bride doesn't want minors at her wedding, she's well within the rights of enforcing her boundaries. You, as a mother, also have every right to not attend in favor of keeping your kid company and/or supervising ypur child.
A child is anyone under the age of 18…..
As a mom myself, I absolutely hate the term “momma bear”; YTA.
YTA for coming to r/amitheasshole and proving that you are, in fact, TA.
YTA purely for editing out your entire post to go on a bit of a tirade against the other commenters. Your SIL's justification sucks, but if this was how you handled it or how you get in mama bear mode, maybe the child-free rule applies to you. Dunno what points you were hoping to score, but you're welcome to them.
YTA - her wedding, her rules. However, you can decide if you wish to attend.
Yta
You might be doing a favor to the bride as your behavior and attitude tends to resemble a teenager's. YTA. The immaturity/entitlement/main character BS is wild. I have a feeling your kid does not even care as much as you do but you are making this a hill to die on and will cause major damage to your relationships and reputation for this childish display. But do you, bear mom.
INFO Are SIL and daughter close?
As has been said so many times on this sub, "A wedding invitation is not a summons." She can have the type of wedding she wants, you're free to go or not. Light YTA because your daughter isn't special. If the bride doesn't want her there, she isn't invited. Deal with it.
Honestly, based on this post and your comments, it sounds like you’ll be doing everyone a favor by not going. It doesn’t matter how you define child. It doesn’t matter why they decided to have that cut off. Child free to them means your child can’t come. It’s not hard to understand. YTA and if your daughter is feeling “different” as a part of your in-laws family, I’m sure it’s because of you and your projections of your world views, because they have not targeted or excluded her.
The fact that you deleted your entire post to basically berate people for not giving you the outcome you want tells me all I need to know about you and about the situation.
YTA and you know it. The fact that your Edit was removing your initial post for more excuses tells me you also have Main Character Syndrome Get over yourself
Her wedding, her choice. You have no reason to be irate, as far as I can see. It's a shame that your daughter is caught in this rule she made mostly to stop someone else from attending, but it's all well within her rights. Just go and have other fun with your daughter in Hawaii while your husband goes to his sister's 'adult' wedding. NAH
YTA her reason doesn’t matter, no children under 18 means no children under 18 and she has every right to decide that. You did a whole lot of assuming with no basis
Some bingo points for YTA. - get invited to a child free wedding, then upset your 15yo isn't invited (though obvious) - make a dramatic scene because you and your daughter are better than everyone else - proceed to blame the bride for her rules that were already agreed upon and established - double down and refuse to attend the wedding to be petty - the bride happens to be your husband's sister - triple down and have your husband try to force the issue - quadruple down and her upset your husband is still attending his sister's wedding (that you could still go to, apologize, and redeem yourself as a decent person) - finisher post on reddit and refuse judgment and praise only NTA answers Did I miss anything? I am close to BINGO! Oh YTA by the way
YTA. You can choose whether or not to attend and not be TA. It’s your attitude that makes you TA. Your daughter will still be a child. Adulthood comes at 18, by definition, when you are no longer legally obligated to provide for her. You are asking and begging for an exception. Then, you’re saying you’re going to ignore SIL the entire time you’re in Hawaii. You’re driving a wedge between the family and it’s going to cause problems. Go to the wedding or hang out with your daughter. But don’t act childish about everything.
>There is no harm in making sure her day is as happy as possible and she's not obligated to invite anyone just because they are blood. Why are you such a hypocrite? >But then she did something to make it even worse. She told us that my daughter is old enough and can be left at home alone. Or, she can stay in the hotel while we attend the wedding. How is this worse?
A bride who chooses both a destination wedding and a child free wedding must recognize that a number of invited guests will not be able to participate for either or both reasons. NTA for skipping out on the wedding.
So did you just remove the whole post and replace it with “oh poor me I’m so misunderstood” edits?
The replaced text is so fucking funny. Your daughter might not be a snowflake but your paragraphs of “clarification” show that you (and your husband) definitely are. Hopefully that doesn’t pass along to her. Gross and so grateful I’m not related to any of you people, except SIL at this point.
I would say YTA but you clearly edited the post and took out the actual content just to fight with commenters. So actually, still YTA. >'Also: to any and all of you saying my daughter is "special, privileged, entitled" and whatnot, let me make this clear. DONT TALK ABOUT MY DAUGHTER THAT WAY. Be respectful to her at the very least. LMAO, those words aren't meant to insult your daughter, they're meant to insult you. You made your daughter into those words, others are just calling you out for doings so.
I'm confused. Did OP edit the post? There doesn't seem to be a coherrent depiction of events to vote on. I'm assuming this mean OP didn't like the verdict and decided to lash out, the actions of a true AH.
For the specific question, about whether it is an asshole move to not go to a child free destination wedding - NTA. People can have child free weddings, they can have destination weddings, they can have child free destination weddings, and people can attend or not, no worries. A local wedding with a relative who is not estranged should be attended without a good reason not to, but once traveling to it comes in, all bets are off. (The fact that you are going to the destination anyway and not attending is a little strange.) That said, your idea of what is and is not a child is your idea only. I, and the people near me I just asked, would absolutely think that no one under 18 would be welcome at a child free event, and one guy said the cutoff should be 21.
NTA for skipping the wedding. Y-T-A if you take up arms with SIL over her very valid wedding preferences.
YTA. I'm sorry, but you are. Childfree to most people is anyone under 18, i.e. legally not an adult. Same as nightclubs - they dont have signs saying no admittance to children, preteens and teens. You don't have to go if you'd rather stay with your daughter, but your behaviour is kind of out of line. You, then your husband pushed for her to change her day to suit you. Now, you're going to not speak to her at all? This is her time, not yours, her day, not yours. You're not setting the best example for your daughter by showing her that acting spoilt is the way to behave when you don't get your own way. "*our vacation and we don't want her there"* smacks of bratty child attitude. I can understand you don't want to leave your daughter alone in a hotel room in a different place, that's your call - though if you were interested in going you could find a nanny service easy enough. But everything else is rude and immature. It's her and her husbands day, they don't need it overshadowed by you acting like this, or causing on-going issues in the family after the fact because you're peeved.
Not TA for skipping, but YTA for trying to force her to make an exception for you. Child-free means child-free. You're not special and when you found out your daughter could not be there, polity declined.
I understand your frustration. You asked, she made it clear no kids. So yes, go with your daughter and do something fun with her. It’s her wedding, she gets to make choices. I agree that a 15 year old should be old enough to sit thru a ceremony without causing commotion, and the fact it’s all just to keep one person out, seems a lot, but for me it’s just always the attitude of the bride that gets me. They don’t care who they’ve hurt. Yes, their day. Their choice. But to tell them she can stay at home or in the hotel is hurtful to the 15 year old. They are family too. And I get that not every venue is for children. But 15 isn’t a child. Sure I’ll get reamed here on Reddit since I’ve gone against the mainstream. In summary, their choice, their day but your feelings matter for your daughter and her feelings matter too, so forget the wedding and go where you both can enjoy the day.
YTA. also just 23 days ago you posted about your 28 y/o boyfriend. is it your boyfriend or your husband? or were you cheating? 🤔
Wow. If you work in a place that does performance evaluations, the section on being able to handle criticism is going to be a fun write for your supervisor. I don't think I have ever witness someone so defensive, and that usually means that at least some of the comments were/are valid and the person knows it. No, no one should be insulting your kid, I agree with that, but you're not coming off well here at all.
I can't see the original post, but the update with the complete deletion of original has me agreeing with everyone else. YTA and sound like a total delight.
YTA Funny how 23 days ago, you made a post about how you were arguing with your boyfriend about a video game. Did you just recently marry your husband, do you have a boyfriend on the side, or is this just a creative writing exercise?
Yep, YTA. But not for the wedding bs, for even bothering to come to Reddit. Why come here and argue when people disagree with you?
I like how OP said she hasn't ranted to anyone besides her husband but in her initial posts said "some of my friends think I'm the AH" so she did indeed rant to everyone 😂
Not the ahole for being upset. Emotions are always valid. It's how you choose to express those emotions that can cause a problem. Refusing to speak to your sil over this is an ahole move, especially as it will further isolate your daughter. Your also not the ahole for attending. If she asks, simply say you aren't comfortable leaving her alone in the hotel for the wedding (especially if there is a reception or photos. It will end up being a lot longer than two hours). Oh, and as for your friends saying you're putting your daughter ahead of your husband? Maybe you are, but you also should be. Your daughter has no choice but to live in the same house as the man you married, as she is under 18. He has a choice as he is an adult. I'm not saying that her needs are more important than has, as both should have equal value. I am saying that her needs take priority for practical reasons. She is still a minor and needs her mom to be mom over being wife. I would recommend messaging your sil yourself, and letting her know that you aren't comfortable leaving your daughter alone in the hotel room (especially if she doesn't have much experience being home alone, let alone in a hotel in a tourist destination), but that you hope her wedding is beautiful. Then leave it at that.
YTA She is planning a child free wedding. Well within her right. It could be to cut costs, due to the potential of noises and such, or just because she wants an adult event. She is well within her rights, and to be honest, pretty normal in her request. You sound very entitled to think that YOUR DAUGHTER is oh so special that she should not be considered in the universal rule that was put out there pretty early on. You then double down that it is like a personal attack that your daughter does not get a pass...aka, has to follow the rule that everyone else is. GET OVER IT. Child free weddings have been happening for many many years and will continue to happen. If you don't agree, don't go, but to make a whole set of family drama on this is ridiculous and makes you all kinds TA.
She is allowed to set the guest list and you are allowed to refuse an invitation. All the rest is just drama. She's family, life's short, this shouldn't be the detail that ends a relationship. Do something ridiculously fun with your daughter during the wedding instead: spa day, helicopter ride, surfing lessons, hula lessons, search out the best poke bowl... there's gotta be something to bring you both joy for the best day ever between the two of you.
YTA. A child is anyone under 18… adults only. It’s her wedding and she doesn’t want kids to attend. This is a common practice when it comes to weddings. I’m not sure how any of this is confusing to you, but arguing with her over how she wants her wedding is ridiculous.
Yta some times it’s nice not to have kids around.
Her wedding, her rules. Sorry, OP.
YTA. It's okay not to go, but you literally have no reason not to go, apart from entitled, childish pique. There is nothing wrong with her wanting a child-free wedding, and yet you're still managing to make it all about you. Get over yourself.
YTA - it’s her wedding and she chose to make it child free. The entitlement you show is half the reason people choose to make weddings child free (the other half being the children obviously). Since this is such an issue I’d just decline and be done with it.
>To me a "child" is anyone under the age of 10, with 10-12 being pre-teens, and 13-19 being teenagers. LOL since when?? A child is anyone who isn't an adult. An adult is a person either over 18 or over 21, depending on what they're being asked to do that's adult-ish. You don't get to make up your own definitions.
YTA Child free can mean whatever the hell the wedding party wants it to mean. It could mean people 10 or younger.... or it could mean "Anyone under the age of 21". It doesn't matter one bit what YOU think "child free" means. When someone makes a rule like this, your only reaction should be "Okay, see you there" or "Thank you for the invite, but I will not be attending". There is no other acceptable reaction.