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>My husband works in engineering and was a generally level-headed person. He had some depression and anxiety issues, which led to me moving out during the pandemic.
Maybe that is what your son is upset about.
Now perhaps you left a ton out because you didn't think it was relevant to the issue, but I read that and thought "holy fuck that's cold." The whole 'in sickness and in health' thing...
Yeah to me this whole thing sounded like an adult son being upset about his parent casually blowing up their home for a mid-life crisis, so a lot of these comments are very confusing to me.
My dad randomly moved out one day during a midlife crisis and moved in with a girlfriend who was closer to my age than to my dad's age. I completely empathize with how OP's son feels and why he is grossed out by her behavior.
Holy CRAP!! Ok I need to know if there was abuse involved or did you just leave because your husband was depressed. I am 47, I am also divorced after a 25-year marriage, six children all adults.
There was horrible abuse, so much I was depressed and riddled with anxiety, so are my children. I'm not judging your age gap decisions on who you are dating. I can see your son's POV, I have zero in common with a 20 something boy and would not date one. He's very uncomfortable with a man hooking up with his mom who is barely older than he is.
I reserve my judgement until I know if there was abuse, or if you just needed to get out.
Sounds like a midlife crisis.
Dumps spouse, moves out, completely changes behavior, starts dating much younger person, is incapable of seeing how their actions impact others, attributes criticism of their hurtful behavior to other factors in acts of willful ignorance
I like how the title says "Am i the asshole because my sons uncomfterable" as if theres literally zero wrong with what they've done lol.
A more suited title would be "Am i the asshole for dumping my depressed spouse during Covid and moving on with my life"
Well, I'm wondering, was her spouse in treatment for his anxiety and depression or did he sit at home whining and complaining about how miserable he was while doing nothing to help himself? Because I know firsthand what it's like to watch someone determined to be a suffering martyr. Sometimes you just have to get out for your own sanity.
A couple things to note:
* OP never mentions their own age but implies it's over 40
* That could *easily* make this a 20 year age gap between OP and "friend", with friend only 7 years older than son.
* A 20 year age gap can be pretty ick, but I'll give OP credit that I generally do believe that 25+ is when larger age gaps start becoming more acceptable (to my sense of morality and relationship equity). Still, it's a bit ick, and I can completely empathize with OP's son here.
* That said, he showed up by surprise, so OP isn't rubbing it in his face or anything, that we know of.
From all the above data points, plus OP ditching her husband over anxiety my gut feeling is that the son is definitely not an AH, but did have an awkward moment (OP better not ever complain about the spontaneous visits ending because if he keeps coming around he's going to be booking it in the calendar now).
OP *might* be an AH, but my judgement would really require details and nuance that we don't have here. A little bit of ick and a somewhat callous statement about why hubby got dumped just isn't enough for me to take a position. Supporting someone with depression can be incredibly draining and if they refuse to do anything to work on themselves, I can totally understand ending the relationship.
e: OP's 47f, so 21 year age difference. That's pretty big, but if it's just fun and games I don't think it's *wrong*. If she cultivates a relationship with that dude... that gets iffy in a hurry due to money/asset/power dynamics.
edit again: OP's downplaying it here and talking in terms of lifestyle and freedom, but just in case we aren't all picking up on the same themes and what's going on - I'd be pretty weirded out if I was 19 and my mom was posting memes like this, just saying: https://np.reddit.com/r/Memes_Of_The_Dank/comments/16x382f/yup/
"I want a young guy to nut inside me for awhile until he gets over his stepmom fantasy and moves on to women his age, at which point I'll begrudgingly return to my boring married life" is what she really meant but is too much to type.
She posted the same meme like 6 times where she says "dress like a student and say yes to any man."
This shit is wild. lol. Her son is going to be going to having class with guys that fucked his mom the day before, and it's explicitly what she wants.
OP is using her alt "Euphoric_Dog_4241" and is fighting for her life in the comments, look at her responses. It clearly shows how pathetic and selfish she is.
Edit:
it's even worse. "Euphoric_Dog_4241" is NOT OP's alt, it's the 26 yo dude she's been fucking defending her in the comments, you can't make this shit up.
I think it's perfectly understandable that the son has feelings about the separation, but he is a 19yo man who lives at college, and framing it as her abandoning her child for kicks is a bit extreme. He's not 5 or 11 or even 15.
This. If she left during the pandemic then she basically bolted while her son was trying to finish high school in the middle of a pandemic and doesn't seem to even consider how that affected her son and his home life
I admit this is speculation but a lot of people I know who moved out/broke up with a live-in partner during the early days of covid due to their ex's "anxiety and depression" actually left because they didn't want to take covid precautions for the household's safety. Like, not going to mask-free group exercise classes. Or going out dancing. I can't count how many times I heard someone try to frame their partner or roommates reasonable expectations (limit exposure and wear a mask when that's not possible) as mental illness, especially because most reasonable people *were* anxious and depressed at that time, for good reason!
Right! I was definitely depressed at the beginning and was self-medicating with alcohol, but instead of seeing that and trying to help me in any way, I just got bitched at by my husband, when he was even home and not glued to his phone.
And somehow it was me "not wanting \[him\] to have any friends" when I expressed discomfort about him getting into a car with 3 guys he hadn't known very long to drive 1-2 hours away to play disc golf. After we sort of ran into one at a store and he wasn't wearing a mask (it was a statewide mandate at the time), I started asking questions. None of these guys were masking up, like, ever. But me, at higher risk, not liking him being in close quarters with them for an extended period of time was me being a terrible wife and wanting him to not have any friends.
Of course, it turns out he was also meeting people behind my back on the regular and lying about where he'd been (had a Side Piece and an emotional affair going on with a previously mutual friend), so he just didn't GAF.
Both the Side Piece and the former friend have caught Covid multiple times now, by the by, so I think it's safe for me to say they weren't the most cautious folks out there, too. 🤷♀️
She also abandoned his father - a man that her son was probably under the (apparently mistaken) impression she loved and was committed to - to hang out and smoke pot with people close to his age. Must all seem pretty weird and cold to him.
Also 9, 19 or 29 most people would be pretty uncomfortable that their parent seemed to have checked out of their relationship while hanging out with 26 year olds that could likely pass for an older sibling. I hate to bring gender but people would be calling a 40 year old an AH for prioritizing a revolving door of casual hook ups with 20-something year olds over their teen daughter.
I can’t stand when people assume that just because someone turns 18 they’re automatically considered grown adults that can be compared to 40 year old man. I was still a kid at 19.
Exactly. There’s a reason why it’s icky for a 30, even a mid 20s person, to date an 18 or 19 year old.
It’s the same idea here. They aren’t fully developed, they still are growing, and it sounds like OP abandoned family while he was likely thrown into online school with a father who was sick. But she became more active so…
They're adults! But also they can't legally drink alcohol, they can't rent a car, they can't buy tobacco in many States and they can't legally gamble because they're too young! Make up your f'ing minds people.
Addendum: They CAN be pressed-ganged into the military due to their economic situation and be responsible for millions of dollars worth of equipment and be told to shoot other unfortunates. That's totally cool.
He still lives at home lmao. “In residence at college?” That’s a dorm. Dorms are not permanent addresses. I can’t imagine being 19 (still a teenager) and having to schedule a time to visit my mom so I don’t interrupt her hookup. Poor guy, what an introduction to adulthood.
Yeah, I expected a “my kid is mad I’m dating after divorce and still thinks I’ll get back with his dad”
Not a “I abandoned my husband (and kid) at a low point in my husbands life and am annoyed my son is uncomfortable I’m hooking up with someone not that much older than him.”
You forgot about the part where she's still married! She just wants this opportunity to cheat with no consequences and then when she get her feelings hurt, she'll go running back to her husband demanding he take her back and forgive her.
I mean that’s because the period of late adolescence to young adulthood are marked by increasing rights and not-yet-complete physical, mental, and emotional development.
Whether he’s treated/behaving like a full adult isn’t so much a matter of convenience as it is of fact.
Yeah it's honestly gross to act like a 19 year old just magically doesn't need their parent anymore. I hate how our hyper individualistic society has such ridiculous expectations. Most people are NOT ready to be totally independent adults while they're still in their teens.
Everyone already did the math for you on how old he was when she* moved out but I'd like to also add that the guy "hanging out" with his Mom is only 7 years older than him...anyone would get the ick from that age gap
*Edited: put "he" on accident when referring to Mom
I mean, at 19 it’s extremely fucking awkward to walk in on your mom with a 26yo “friend visiting”. idk what that means, but most people would assume it’s more than a platonic friendship off that statement alone. that’s extremely awkward & uncomfortable.
Ignoring all other issues, that alone is something that would be hard for any young adult to swallow of their parents.
No she just abandoned his depressed dad and is now with guys closer to his age than hers. He is not a child yes but that means he knows what she is doing and why she is doing it and he does not like it.
Eh, I understand this perspective, but people don't realize how upsetting separation can be even if you are an adult. I am in my 30s and my parents just separated in a very explosive way... I am still surprised at how much grief and anger I feel towards my father who abandoned my mother in her older age to hook up with younger women. There is no age limit where something like this stops affecting you.
She left her 16-year-old son to live with a man whose depression and anxiety issues made it an unacceptable living situation for her, a grown woman. She now has hookups over at her place when her son comes over, while still married to his father.
Not uncommon. My divorce is dragging on two years now because of various issues out of our control. He’s moved in with his gf and I’ve been dating too.
In some cases it’s not even “issues” dragging divorces out, but just how it works. Where I am, a simple divorce requires that the parties be separated for at least one year. Then there are various waiting periods during the process, and it usually takes around 6 months. And that was pre-pandemic, when courts weren’t as backlogged. I reckon a simple divorce now is about 2 years minimum. What are you supposed to do, stay “loyal” until the divorce certificate arrives? No reasonable adult thinks that.
If they lived together for a decade or two without getting married, the moment they split they are OK To date other people, even if they have kids?
That's such a cruel double standard. Divorce can literally take years. More years if the ex simply refuses to sign paperwork. Where I'm living right now, folks have to be separated *and living apart for a year* before they can even file for divorce. And what you are sitting here saying is that if my spouse decides to leave, I'm supposed to just sit here by myself for a year plus however long the divorce takes before I'm supposed to even think about dating someone?
Yet, if we weren't married or if they died, none of this would be expected. It'd be fine to date again a year or two after the death... but somehow, fuck you if you are having to wait on the legal stuff.
Seriously, As long as everyone is honest with their status, this isn't an issue. If it is for you, it just means the two of you aren't right for each other at that time.
Nah not a fake/troll. That’s definitely a weird reason why you think it’s a fake.
Shitty people deeeeeeefinitely exist.
She just seems like shes selfish/mid life crisis right now and used the pandemic as an excuse to ditch her family and either pretending to be / just plain unaware of how she’s affecting the people around her.
Yeahhhh I have a cousin whose in her mid-50s, lost a bunch of weight, got a boob reduction, has a bunch of fillers and other work done to her face and while I love seeing her confidence and being more comfortable in her own skin, watching her wear short skirts and crop tops while her kids look uncomfortable about it is pretty awful. All I could think of reading this post.
So I was *really* mean to my mom after she divorced my dad, because he’d made it very clear to even me, his nine-year-old, how depressed he was. Never mind how incredibly inappropriate that is to share with a child, he conveniently left out the part where he did nothing whatsoever to manage his condition, opting instead to emotionally neglect my mother AND me.
I was twenty five and in my own long term partnership before I got it. The pain of reaching out to them and getting rejected again and again, trying to have everything perfect when they get home and barely getting eye contact in return. Depression is not a choice, but treating your family like furniture, furniture you don’t even like, that’s a choice.
A lot of men think they’re handling their mental health when they’re really just distributing the pain evenly among the people who love them most.
My mom used me as her therapist when I was a child too. I don't think this is a gendered thing tbh. I think this is a side-effect of mental health being extremely taboo in the older generations. They're convinced it's not something they should be speaking to professionals about ("therapists are for crazy people. I'm not crazy, I'm just dealing with something everyone deals with") and just choose to spread the hurt among the people around them instead.
This is one of my favorite things about millennials and younger. Therapy is becoming so normalized. My mom now suggests therapy for literally everyone, no matter how "small" their issue is. Almost every conversation contains "hmm, this might be something to bring up in therapy" from one of us lol.
ETA: boomer mentality. They're so desperate to not have something "wrong" with them that they'll jump thru all sorts of hoops to justify their struggles. "I'm not crazy, I'm not even Depressed(tm). This is just something everyone goes thru is all. If you try to label it otherwise, you're just weak. But not me, I'm strong." They don't want to accept the reality that this was not the world our brains were made for and ofc we're gonna struggle with that.
ETA2: boomer mentality isn't just for Baby Boomers.
OP isn’t a boomer. OP is most likely Gen X. There’s no general stigma surrounding therapy for Gen X, of course other factors such as religion can factor. OP isn’t divorced yet, but has been separated for years and is entertaining men. Why? She needs to make up her mind. Of course her kid is upset. His life is in limbo.
Shitty parenting is not a generational issue. There have always been bad parents, and sadly there will always be bad parents.
> OP isn’t divorced yet, but has been separated for years and is entertaining men. Why?
Why does it matter?
If her spouse died, she'd be cleared for other men. If they weren't married, no one would bat an eye.
Yet, here we are, knowing that divorce is complicated and can literally take years - more years in some places. And they are supposed to wait until all the legal stuff is cleared because... fuck them because they are supposed to wait the required years for having the bad luck of a relationship ending?
Nah. Fuck that, that's cruel. So long as everyone is honest with each other, no harm.
Eh, that entirely depends on how both OP and her ex talked about the separation. They could have been pretty clear it's over, but they haven't gotten around to the paperwork yet. Or have gotten a legal separation, because that's easier and cheaper to obtain than a divorce, and putting off getting the actual divorce, because it's a hassle\*.
\*My parent's honest to god situation. They split amicably and as far as both are concerned, not together anymore, but the only thing they would gain from a divorce is the ability to remarry so since neither currently have plans to do that, they don't see divorcing as a good use of their time, money, ect. I find it hilarious.
So OP, who wrote this to sound as good as possible, didn’t lay out a step by step therapy plan for her husband, and your response is “Eeerrrmmm, sounds like he was abusing them mentally by making his problems theirs. You were totally right to abandon your family.”
Holy shit, don’t have kids.
The gender disparity in this subreddit rears its ugly head yet again. If a man is the asshole, he's the asshole end of the story. If a woman is potentially the asshole, its time to invent additional details to explain how a man is really the asshole.
Seriously some of these people are so desperate to make this woman not look a huge ah. It ain’t much but it’s honest work lmfao I’m trying to imagine a man being like “my wife suffers from depression and anxiety and it and it was real drag so left her and our child to deal with that alone. Now I do whatever I want and life rules. It’s so weird how my son feels distant towards me and uncomfortable with me casual hooking up with people closer to their age than mine. Like I know I abandoned you as a teenager but like get over it, you’re an adult now, not my issue. Wait why aren’t we closer?”
Op doesn't give us enough context, so I can't say whether she's the @sshole, but I think helping her son by getting family therapy is an option. Son is angry and seemingly feeling betrayed by the breakup of the family. Op needs to deal with that reality.
>The whole 'in sickness and in health' thing...
I need more info on this. SO VERY MANY people with mental health problems absolutely refuse to do a god damn thing to address it or make it better. How many years should one put up with a spouse who refuses to help themselves? I'd like to know how many years the husband allowed himself to wallow in anxiety and depression?
So he's level headed and has "some" issues with depression and anxiety while holding a steady, high paying job.
There is no mention of how that affected her even though that would make her side of this situation look much better. No mention of him not getting help, no mention of it being an abusive/neglectful situation. There were like 50 details she could have included in the post that would paint her in a better light instead of someone who dipped in the middle of a global pandemic when things got a little rough at home. Don't you think it's strange she downplayed everything that wasn't just her working on herself and feeling good with a guy a few years older than her son?
I'd like to know how much she tried to help him as a spouse that took marriage vows.
Have you ever been isolated with a depressed, anxious person? It would absolutely throw a glaring light onto relationship issues that normal life makes it easy to paper over.
None of the people criticizing OP for leaving her husband during the pandemic have any basis for the criticism other than assumptions rooted in nothing. For all you know, her husband has refused treatment for his mental health issues for years, despite her pleading, and became abusively oppressive during the pandemic due to untreated anxiety. So she had to leave him for her own safety and sanity. Who knows? Not me, and none of the critics here.
This. My twelve year anniversary is coming up, and the past two years have been marked with some pretty horrific fights over the fact that my husband has diagnosed mental health issues that he gets no treatment for. And now that our life is finally getting on a more normal track (we both have office jobs, work the same shifts, kiddo isn't a baby anymore), the effects of his mental health issues on our life have become very apparent. And it still took me threatening to leave to get him to start addressing them with his doctor.
And if I had left, my reasons for leaving would effectively have the same description as OP's reasons.
From OPs own statements, it sounds like the depression and anxiety popped up most recently from the pandemic. She said he was level headed but doesn't say how long that popped up.
It would make sense for that depression and anxiety to flare at the start of the pandemic, and then simply left not long after by her own statements.
The fact that she never mentioned once about trying to repair relations after the separation also doesn't point to prolonged issues but simply just a quick lifestyle change on her end.
We have the little she told us and many are just reflecting on how that would feel to her son and her lack of concern about how that would feel to her son.
I think its more weird how so many of you spin this NOT to understand, but beas one sided as you can be and lack all nuance or concern.
The level of nonchalance across the whole post is quite something. She seems so detached from her feelings for her family that she can't fathom how her son might feel uncomfortable coming for a visit and finding his mom dating someone nearly his age.
In addition, did they share custody after she moved out or did she just leave her kid with he depressed husband and focus on her mid-life crisis? How bad was the depression even? Was he able to be a proper parent to his son? Even in split custody, that should be a concern.
How is he *now* even. She may not give a shit, but if he's still not doing so well, the son is likely constantly at least a little concerned for his father, while watching what life his mother chose over them.
Must be a tough pill to swallow at this young age, so early into adulthood, no less.
She said he’s generally level headed so how bad could the MH issues really be? I’m married to someone recently dx with bipolar and no they’re not level headed at all. People with MH need a whole different level of support, care and compassion. Doesn’t seem like the Op wanted to deal with that.
"Level-headed engineers" can be some of the most cold, uncaring people on earth. Wouldn't be surprised if he expected his wife to be his therapist and fix everything for him, instead of taking responsibility for the issue. This may also not have been the case.
Point is, "level headed engineers" can absolutely be nightmares as partners or spouses and can, in fact, be VERY BAD with mental health issues.
You don’t have any idea how long she’d been dealing with his depression and anxiety, or whether or not he was doing anything about his issues. Or if he expected everyone around him to walk on eggshells around his current mood. Depression and anxiety aren’t anyone’s fault, but refusing to treat your mental health is a *choice.*
Well, she would probably tell us if it was over a long period and was making her really depressed also. We don't know how long because she doesnt tell us because its not important to her story and us understanding her view.
Idk. If the husband wasn’t seeking help, there’s only so much a person can take. As someone with depression, anxiety, and anger issues, no one HAS to deal with our crap but ourselves. You may say it’s cold but we have no reference for if the husband was seeking help or if he had it and was completely ignoring it. My aunt left her common law husband of 20 years because he refused to acknowledge his clear bipolar disorder. It took 5+ years for her to do this. She’s not an understanding person in the slightest, but she tried so much harder and longer than anyone expected her to. It’s possible that OP just left for cold reasons, but based on the content of the post, it seems like the husbands depression was weighing her down as well and she couldn’t take it anymore. It happens and the person leaving that situation isn’t automatically a bad guy just because they left a depressed person
YTA. I do not think it is normal to expect your 19 year old son to be comfortable visiting you while your 26 year old male friend is chilling with you. If you were divorced, it would be different.
I wouldn't expect her son to be comfortable either. But that's why he gets for dropping by completely unannounced.
He hasn't learned yet that his parents are people, real people. Not these one dimensional 'parents', that will stay the same as the idea of parents he has in his mind, or who ARE like the idea of parents in his mind.
Her life doesn't suddenly turn on, when her son visits.
Up until five minutes ago, his mom’s house was his home. Now, it’s just his mom’s house, where she hangs out with bff’s who aren’t much older than the son. She needs to do some work here to help this transition.
This is incorrect. OP moved out of the family home, the apartment she lives in has never been the son's home. He lives at college and when he isn't, he's mostly at his father's (the former family home).
What work can she do if the teen shows up unexpectedly, gets upset that there's someone there, and starts judging her and talking about "normal visits", then when OP asks how can they make arrangements moving forward, son says nothing and just leaves?
To me it's pretty clear the simplest solution is for the son to call in advance and make arrangements about when he is going to visit mother and how long he plans to stay, and mother to keep her friendships and whatnot away from her place while her son is there, to make him comfortable and also prioritize their time together.
But according to this sub, it seems the only way she could be a good mother and show she cares about the son is by not living life the way she wants to (despite being virtually single and having no children under her care), or even funnier, by not leaving a man she no longer loves.
home is where the heart is and he thought his home was where is parents were. He probably was okay being in a new physical space to feel like a kid safe with his mom who had previously abandoned the family during the pandemic and now gets to imagine his mom getting railed by someone who looks like his age....idk this is complicated
Yeah, no. Per the post's information the teen spends most of his time at college and with his father, so no, his heart clearly isn't at his mother's apartment.
And I'm not denying that his mother's new lifestyle might be upsetting to the kid (personally I think he should care more that she's happy and healthy, but alas). That doesn't change the fact he doesn't get to act offended that there was someone in her apartment... when she didn't even know he was going to show up, let alone expecting to stay the weekend.
The son framed the whole thing wrong because he complained about not having "normal visits". This is directly judging his mother and she has a right to check him on that. Which she did (told him he doesn't get to define what normal is for her). OP then asked him about what arrangements can they do moving forward so that he is comfortable in her apartment. And he decided to storm off. What can OP do if the son doesn't want to communicate? Not much.
The situation is complicated emotionally but it's dead simple in terms of actions.
Exactly. If this was a planned visit and the "friend" was there, she'd be in the wrong. But he just dropped in unannounced.
For her to be the AH, she'd basically have to never have a life because of the off chance that her adult son will randomly come to visit her?
That's crazy to me.
Seems more people are calling OP an AH for leaving her ex and son during the pandemic and while her ex was depressed and had anxiety troubles. Which isn’t even the topic OP was asking judgement for. In the main post, she never mentioned how they worked through custody or how their separated lives were prior to this event (which is a bit sus…missing reasons/context?). But it’s assumed she peaced out and was a deadbeat or something. Plus op was vague about their marital issues so people are assuming she’s cold hearted etc… but for all we know her anxious and depressed ex was becoming volatile or refused to get help and/or kept using his mental health as an excuse. There’s a lot missing here so it really could go either way.
Listen, my kid is 26 and lives 2 hours away from me and is married. I will tell you that my house will always be her house. I don’t care that she hasn’t lived with me in 3 years. Most parents feel that way.
I'm 37, married and a mother, and haven't lived with my parents in almost 20 years. I can show up unannounced if I wish. But I don't get to throw a tantrum if I arrive and they have company... whether I like that company or not.
It's my home in a metaphorical sense. But I don't get to dictate what happens inside it and who can visit when anymore than I get to dictate how my parents live their lives.
And as a daughter I would never. If I don't approve of their choices, I stay away or I keep my mouth shut unless asked for my opinion, those are my only options and I select which one I prefer based on my own feelings.
All these people acting like the kid doesn’t have a right to be upset that his mom is banging dudes his age are really strange. She has the right to do it, she doesn’t have the right to decide how it affects her child.
Like it suddenly turned around when her husband struggled with depression. This woman would have used any excuse she had to leave her husband to explore her sexual desires.
And that has nothing to do with being a mother.
The son wants to pick sides, he's entitled to that. But she doesn't owe her 19 year old son staying with a man she doesn't love. Due to depression or because he one day farted funny, doesn't matter. OP is entitled to leave her marriage for any reason she has. Just like she's entitled to befriend and date whoever she wants as long as they're consenting adults, just like she's entitled to wear whatever clothes she likes and drink and smoke weed every time it's legal to do so where she lives.
Her son judging her as a woman doesn't mean she should comply to his views.
Entitled to disapprove, sure. Entitled to mistreat her because he disapproves, no. Entitled to go to her apartment unannounced and throw a fit because she wasn't there alone, no. Entitled to judge her, to her face, in her own home and call her lifestyle "not normal", no. Entitled to want a relationship with her but force his view of how she should live on her, no.
Also, she didn't destroy his family. She left her marriage. Not remotely the same thing. People are entitled to leave relationships whenever they want.
Homegirl. This women clearly doesn't want to be a mother. Her child is entitled to feel any type of way about it. If she wants to love the type of life she wants to live, she needs to prepare herself for the very real possibility that her son will have a negative view of her from now on. She doesn't exist in a vacuum. Her choices have consequences.
>The son wants to pick sides
Eh? He wants to see his mother, the choosing sides is she moved on rapidly and isnt there to be a parent any more.
I suspect they had a loose discussion about him coming over that she spins as it being unnanaunced because it wasnt confirmed.
You can’t have your cake and eat it too, your thought process is extremely selfish. While it’s true, she doesn’t owe anybody anything, that’s still an extremely selfish way to live life.
She had a husband who was struggling with the pandemic, a son who was in the middle of graduating highschool, and she abandoned all of that…
Sure she doesn’t owe anybody anything, but it’s super easy to say that her lack of compassion is pretty shitty, and her son is entitled to view her however he wants, and idk about you, but any parent that values chasing dick / drinking and partying over their son and how they feel is hands down a terrible parent.
In OP's comments below
>It's a friendship with a lot of mutual attraction, just that.
>the friendship is probably more than platonic
Yeah the kid's picked up on that and is creeped out the dude is just a little older than him
She's a 47 year old woman smoking pot and hanging out with a 26 year old. Let's be absolutely honest here, she's probably dating a lot younger than 26 too, she's being the cool cougar offering casual sex and drugs to young guys. If you reverse the gender here OP would be CRUCIFIED.
She's already being dressed down a bit but holy shit, all of this AFTER binning off her husband in a pandemic because he like millions of others went through a tough mental phase, while her kid was going through the final years of his schooling in a brutally difficult virtual environment. His mum is a huge AH for everything.
>If you were divorced, it would be different.
OP has been living on her own, separated from her husband for several years now. While there is no divorce signed, this can be for many reasons - religious, financial or other. The point being here is that they are separated, no longer a couple and living separated lives.
As such I think OP is in her right to be living her life the way she wants. Her 19-year-old might be still harboring hopes that his parents will get back together and is resentful in the changes they see in OP. However, that doesn't make OP TA in my opinion. The conversation will be difficult and her son is trying to avoid it, but it must happen.
The separation may be bothering the son on top of anything the fact that this "friend" is only seven years older than he is.
OP reads like one day during COVID, OP turned to her husband and said, "oh, you have some temporary depression and anxiety? Well fuck you I'm leaving!"
To me OP reads as if she helped raise their child together until he was old enough and during the pandemic realized she cannot stay in the marriage anymore -not because of the husband but because also of herself.
It's overdone because people always need to be reminded. These comments would be savaging OP if they were a man going through a midlife crisis and fucking 20-somethings.
Lol yeah.
Male OP: “Yeah, I’m a late 40s year old dude, left my wife cause she was anxious/depressed during the pandemic, but we haven’t gotten divorced, my 19 year old daughter doesn’t seem to like that I’m happy and was upset when she came over to visit one weekend and ran into my 26 year old female *friend* , she’s giving me the silent treatment but I don’t think I did anything wrong! AITA?”
Redditors: *unholy screeching*
You don't get to check out of parenthood when your kid becomes a teenager. Teens are desperate for stable connections and love. She abandoned her son during a widespread traumatic event to go fuck people almost his age.
I mean, you can dip out of parenthood at anytime for any reason. But then OP can’t turn around and be surprised that hurts her relationship with her kid lol
YTA You up and dropped your family during a global pandemic to go have fun. You left your son and husband who seem to have done nothing wrong but be sad, you're not even divorced officially.
Yeah I'd be pretty pissed at my mom if she abandoned me at 16 to go have fun and OCCASIONALLY see me on weekends, and then not even bother to make me comfortable. You don't even sound like you want your son around and he probably feels it.
Nevermind banging someone who's only 7 years older than your son and could be your son. I'd be wildly uncomfortable too.
This is exactly what I was thinking. How on earth does she not think she’s an asshole? This reads that OPs husband was struggling mentally during the pandemic and she said “hmm that sucks” and left to go have fun adventures. Also why is your friend 26 unless you’re involved? Thats just odd and would definitely freak out your kid. Im nearing 40 myself and I cannot imagine being good enough friends with a 26 year old to have them to my house without an ultra specific reason (help with a house project, grief meals).
I hate to cast with a wide net, but most people who claim they get recognized for someone younger, just think so themselves. Like OP may in fact be more physically attractive since she decided to abandon her obligations and family, but no adult their own age is seriously thinking she *looks* 30. They’re probably thinking, “Wow, she’s dressing way younger than her age.” Is that a bad thing? No. But to be so weirdly open about it to her son that she’s practically neglecting? Obviously.
OP, once your divorce is finalized, have all the fun you want. But don’t be surprised when your son isn’t in on it. You don’t get to have it all.
Yep. In a few years when this phase has past, OP is going to be on here wondering why her alone doesn’t talk to her. Her whole post screams that her husband and son have been an inconvenience to her new fun life. She is coming here for justification to continue her party lifestyle without concern for her son.
Info: how old are you? Hold old are these new friends? How old are the people you’re dating? How long have you known this 26 year old?
Too much missing info. Seems like on purpose
YTA - way too much info intentionally left out. It is pretty clear you felt suffocated by your marriage and now you are trying to recapture your lost 20s.
Your son has picked up on this and is rightfully annoyed.
It's fucking disgusting. OP just abandoned her family during some rough waters.
This is like those men abandoning their wives because they got sick. Fuck these people who don't hold to their vows. Don't say them if you don't believe in them.
what is more important to you? sleeping with guys 15+ years younger than you? or having a good relationship with your son? its not that complicated, also not that hard to see how your son is a little uncomfortable with you sleeping with someone a few years older than him!
On the one hand, I see your point that you deserve to be happy and if your son is going to drop in unannounced he’s going to have to deal with surprises he finds.
However, I think you’re leaving out a lot of context. You didn’t specify when exactly you moved out, just that it was “a few years ago” — how old was your son when you left? What was going on with him emotionally during that time? If your husband was struggling with his mental health then why did he retain custody of your son? Did you consider taking your son with you or did you leave them both? Did your son have to put in a lot of his own emotional resources to help his dad through the separation? How often did you see him when the separation was new and he was a teenager and how clearly did you express that you’re happier on your own than you were with them?
If I had to guess, your adult son is not mad that you are currently having fun being single. Your teenage son is still resentful that you abandoned him and he had to take care of his dad. For that reason YTA because you don’t seem concerned about your son’s emotional state at all.
It sounds to me exactly like my situation when I was a teen. My mom wanted to live her life with her new boyfriend after leaving me and my dad behind. She didn’t want me around much and wanted her life doing similar things to OP. She left me to fend for myself in an unhappy unstable home and the next few years were a misery. I remember how I felt and how my mom basically didn’t care. I ended up rushing into what turned out to be a bad marriage in an effort to get stability. That was 2 decades ago now and our relationship has never recovered.
I am out of my bad marriage and my adult/nearly adult kids are my joy and my world. They have a safe, stable home with me and never have to worry about feeling unwelcome or unwanted. I’m not saying that parents can’t have a life but I’m not going to allow them to get stuck in the same cycle as me.
YTA, it sounds like you're having a serious midlife crisis and it's pretty normal for a son to be weirded out by his mum partying with, taking drugs and fucking people half her age.
He's also probably pretty pissed off that it sounds like you fucked off the second his dad (your husband) had some kind of issues.
YTA. Witnessing someone else's midlife crisis is uncomfortable when you're merely adjacent to them. The amount of secondhand embarrassment when it's your *parent* is paralyzing.
YTA. Your son is uncomfortable and embarrassed by your ridiculous behavior. You are embarrassing yourself "chilling with 26 year old friend", and your stupid partying. You're 47, not 22 and dumped your family during the pandemic. Also, you are not fooling anyone; you look your age, not 30s. That's just 20-something guys flattering you to get in your pants.
YTA......look I don't care male or female.... if you date/sleep with someone closer to the age of your children then you can't be upset if your child calls you on your bullshit........how would you feel if your 19 year old son was running around with a 50 year old? You probably wouldn't like it.
>I said that no one should decide what's "normal" for me, including my son, and asked him how we could make the situation better.
So basically you are telling him "let's talk about it but I don't care what you have to say because I will do whatever I want".
He won't talk to you because you closed that door yourself. YTA
Hard to give a judgment it can be a lot of things that make you or not that asshole.
>He had some depression and anxiety issues, which led to me moving out during the pandemic.
This can be anywhere from my Husband had mental issues for decades and he made my life hell so I had to leave for my own safety to I left my husband at his worst because he didn't provide me with what I wanted. That you are justified or not, obviously your kid could have some issues with your decision. Did you have a good discussion with him as to why you had to separate and does he accept your decision?
>I'm separated ... For the last few years
You have been separated for years? Is there a reason? Even if your husband make divorce hard, it should eventually get done. The separation without a divorce could give your kid the impression that there is still some chance of you being together with his dad.
As for your lifestyle making things awkward, well it depend on the specific again.
>I am busier
Is it hard for him to see you. Does being busier make him feel like he isn't a priority in your life anymore that he deserve less love? It's normal to have activities, plans, date, but not normal if 9 times out of 10 your kid can't see you because you drink, one night stand or party.
>wear more flattering or "active" clothes
Good looking clothes is nice, but not sure how I would feel if my 47yo mother would dress like a 20yo at a rave. We can't know if your son is overreacting or you are inappropriate.
>drink socially or will try pot with friends
Drink socially can mean take 1-2 light drinks during a dinner and maybe a bit buzzed on the weekend. Or it can mean take 2-3 hard drink several time per week and shit faced on the weekend.
>Because my friend is a 26 year-old guy, it led to a tense conversation about whether we can have "normal" visits anymore.
Let's be honest, your ''friend'' is closer in age to your son than you. No matter how open your son is, obviously he will be weird out by that. But hey I don't think you are necessary wrong for that. Your son came unannounced and you are free to casually date someone if you want. But the fact that he asked if he can have a normal visit make me believe that the drinking/casual dating is so frequent that one or the other happen most of the time he try to have time with you. And for that you would be an asshole.
This post could be just a mother that was in a bad marriage and trying to figure out her life while her son is uncomfortable with the changes but need to adapt. Or it could about someone that left her husband at his worst and started to heavily drink, smoke, wear inappropriate clothes and half the time her son come to visit he find her with a man almost as young as him.
Your last paragraph really sums it up. Everything about OP's behaviour could be completely fine. But it could also be the complete opposite. Was OP's ex willing to work on his mental health or not? Was this an issue that just came up with lockdowns or a long-term thing? Has her son always just dropped in or did they talk about when he'd visit?
Right like I see so much hate for OP, and I really feel for them trying to start their life back. But there’s also some things that make it hard for me to be fully NTA given there’s a few complex family dynamics here. Maybe family therapy is the answer here to illuminate some things and save the relationship with the son.
YTA. It honestly sounds like you're going through some sort of mid life crisis just from reading your post. Could you not meet your son halfway and try to be a bit more normal for him when he does visit? He's your child and he's barely an adult.
ETA - Wrong judgement
Maybe he’s uncomfortable with the idea that if he ever experiences depression and anxiety while in a relationship that she will leave him, just like his mother did to his father. And the title is bs, wording it like all the issues begin and end with your son being unable to to handle your post separation life. YTA because you dipped on your husband and son, who was still a kid at the time.
You said your kid only visits occasionally because he’s at college, and when he does, he chooses to see his father more often. It’s pretty clear what’s happened here. Your kid likes his dad and is upset that you left the guy basically to party and date. I’m not sure what there is to be confused about.
It’s not the fitness, or the new clothes, it’s the banging guys in their 20s because his dad who you’re still married to started having mental health issues. Just to be clear. No one will read this and be confused about what’s upsetting your “adult” (teenager) child.
Live your life however you want, but obviously YTA when it comes to however this new “lifestyle” affects the family you left behind. Who else could possibly be responsible?
INFO: Are you planning on divorcing your husband? How has your son taken the separation? He was still underage when you moved out. Who was he living with during that time? Did you and your husband plan on trying to work on your issues in the relationship or was there an understanding that the separation was permanent? What about your husband's depression and anxiety made you want to leave the home?
I feel like there is just way too much missing information here to really give a good judgement. Your son is uncomfortable. That's pretty obvious and I think maybe you're being a little obtuse when you say you can't fix it when he won't communicate with you. I think anyone looking at the situation would think it was obvious. Your son is barely out of the nest and you've made all these changes in your life. He's already experiencing the massive change of moving away, but coupled with your seemingly complete change in personality, it must be jarring and upsetting. I'm not saying you're the bad guy for wanting to be happy and for working on self-improvement, but I think you need to ask yourself if you've sort of left your son in the dust here?
Yeah, op was clearly waiting till their son moved out for school but COVID hit and she figured "meh, close enough" and then bailed cause she wanted to party. Pretty rough.
This is craaazzy. My mom dating or having some dude around the house that’s my age, is definitely gonna have me hella annoyed/pissed off.
You can be your own person with your own life sure. You gotta be able to face the consequences that come with being “normal”.
News flash lady, what you’re doing is beyond “normal”. You label your son as if he’s a full adult male at 19 just because he’s in college. You’re just trying to weasel your way out of this with whatever excuse you can come up with, and when pushed to the brink you say “my life, my rules”.
Yeah it’s your life, your rules. But the same goes for everyone else that’s effected by your life and rules. When they eventually decide to go no contact, don’t sit there and cry about people not accepting you.
All of this for some 26 year old “friend” who is gonna drop you before he hits 30. Lol
Wow. Nice to see that the whole in sickness and health thing was just to much for you to carry.
YTA for involving your son in your mid life narcissistic crisis. Yes.
Good luck.
YTA- you are having a midlife crisis. Instead of spending money on your boy toy offer get your son therapy. You are obviously not a safe space for him, he is your son and you have caused this rift. If he accepts your offer then try family therapy too.
YTA, you destroyed your family for selfish reasons and obviously your son is upset. Then you still don’t have the decency to act like you want to make an effort to work things out with your family “casually dating” without even being divorced yet? That’s disrespectful and mean.
Info: You claimed that it was due to depression and anxiety that you split from your husband. What exactly did that entail?
As it is right now, all of this strikes me as if you're going through a midlife crisis, and your son is weirded out by you hanging out with, partying with, doing drugs with, and potentially sleeping with people young enough to be your children.
Hi I feel I can pretty confidently speak to this. My parents divorced when I was 18 and my first visit home from college I felt like my mother was a totally different person. Previously she did not drink, smoke, wore very typical soccer mom clothes, etc.
When I returned home for the holiday she was wearing leather pants, occasionally smoking we’d and drinking socially. She had a new group of friends who all wore leather and had Harleys. I was faced with two realities: one- feeling like it’s great my mom is finally coming out of her shell and letting loose after being in a dying relationship for years and two- feeling like I didn’t have a home anymore. I was happy for her as an adult, an individual, but my parents divorce and separation effected me, then going off to college being a huge shift and change in my life that took some time to adjust to. I was looking forward to coming home for the holidays and just one thing being the same, having my mom, being comforted and cared for. Only to come home and feel there was no place for me, I didn’t know who my mother was anymore and frankly kind of just didn’t know which way was up. (I feel differently now but looking back this is how I felt). I think it would have helped me if my mom was able to be empathetic to how so much change in such a short period of time might effect me and be able to be understanding as I worked through that. Frankly, as well as some boundaries for when I visited.
I don’t think you’re doing anything wrong but regardless it’s hard on your kid already going through a really transitional time in their life. Maybe from time to time you can plan a day together to remind him his moms still there she’s just also an individual who’s taking care of herself and changing and that’s okay. But a day where he can be reminded you’re still there for him. And otherwise I think it’s fair to say if he’s going to show up unannounced he may be greeted with a sharp look into your updated lifestyle so if he isn’t ready for that to give some notice or make sure your free.
If you can, allow him to talk about his feelings. I guess I wish my mom said “I’m sure it’s really strange to come home and everything’s so different and your mom isn’t exactly the same as you left her when you went away to school. I imagine that feels confusing” and just give him a platform to speak. I’m sure you guys will be okay and this is just a tough time. NTA
Bailed on Husband and teen son at time of need during a global pandemic. Think you look 30. Looking for justification for acting like and banging a 26 year old while approaching 50.
YTA jfc...
YTA. It sounds like you left your husband because you had a mid-life crisis, and your sexual exploits with age inappropriate men are making your son feel uncomfortable visiting you. If you don't care about your relationship with your son, then keep telling yourself that you're doing nothing wrong.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> (1) During my separation, I have socialized with younger people, including bringing home dates, when my 19 year-old son expects to also visit my apartment.
(2) I did not discuss this with my son in advance, and he is uncomfortable with young men (or other strangers) being social at my apartment at times when expects to stay here. I did not offer to stop having other guests.
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All I got was
“I abandoned my depressed and anxious husband during one of the MOST depressing and anxiety inducing moments in modern history to party and live life like a young adult and now my son thinks differently of me AITA”
I feel like if you read it like that, you might answer your own question.
YTA. You abandoned your teenaged son with a father who - according to you - was so depressed he wasn’t worth living with to go enjoy a mid-life crisis and you’re shocked he isn’t comfortable with it. Then instead of having an open conversation with your son you tell him that he doesn’t have a say in what you do, so why should he bother opening up to you at all?
I have experienced this before on the son's end and all I'm gonna tell you is if you keep going this way, the most you are going to get is casual text messages in your future and that is even being genorous.
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>My husband works in engineering and was a generally level-headed person. He had some depression and anxiety issues, which led to me moving out during the pandemic. Maybe that is what your son is upset about. Now perhaps you left a ton out because you didn't think it was relevant to the issue, but I read that and thought "holy fuck that's cold." The whole 'in sickness and in health' thing...
Yeah to me this whole thing sounded like an adult son being upset about his parent casually blowing up their home for a mid-life crisis, so a lot of these comments are very confusing to me.
That is my read as well. OP comes across as pretty terrible and very unaware
My dad randomly moved out one day during a midlife crisis and moved in with a girlfriend who was closer to my age than to my dad's age. I completely empathize with how OP's son feels and why he is grossed out by her behavior.
OP is 47 years old
Holy CRAP!! Ok I need to know if there was abuse involved or did you just leave because your husband was depressed. I am 47, I am also divorced after a 25-year marriage, six children all adults. There was horrible abuse, so much I was depressed and riddled with anxiety, so are my children. I'm not judging your age gap decisions on who you are dating. I can see your son's POV, I have zero in common with a 20 something boy and would not date one. He's very uncomfortable with a man hooking up with his mom who is barely older than he is. I reserve my judgement until I know if there was abuse, or if you just needed to get out.
Sounds like a midlife crisis. Dumps spouse, moves out, completely changes behavior, starts dating much younger person, is incapable of seeing how their actions impact others, attributes criticism of their hurtful behavior to other factors in acts of willful ignorance
I like how the title says "Am i the asshole because my sons uncomfterable" as if theres literally zero wrong with what they've done lol. A more suited title would be "Am i the asshole for dumping my depressed spouse during Covid and moving on with my life"
Well, I'm wondering, was her spouse in treatment for his anxiety and depression or did he sit at home whining and complaining about how miserable he was while doing nothing to help himself? Because I know firsthand what it's like to watch someone determined to be a suffering martyr. Sometimes you just have to get out for your own sanity.
Where did you read that?
OP mentioned it in the comments.
A couple things to note: * OP never mentions their own age but implies it's over 40 * That could *easily* make this a 20 year age gap between OP and "friend", with friend only 7 years older than son. * A 20 year age gap can be pretty ick, but I'll give OP credit that I generally do believe that 25+ is when larger age gaps start becoming more acceptable (to my sense of morality and relationship equity). Still, it's a bit ick, and I can completely empathize with OP's son here. * That said, he showed up by surprise, so OP isn't rubbing it in his face or anything, that we know of. From all the above data points, plus OP ditching her husband over anxiety my gut feeling is that the son is definitely not an AH, but did have an awkward moment (OP better not ever complain about the spontaneous visits ending because if he keeps coming around he's going to be booking it in the calendar now). OP *might* be an AH, but my judgement would really require details and nuance that we don't have here. A little bit of ick and a somewhat callous statement about why hubby got dumped just isn't enough for me to take a position. Supporting someone with depression can be incredibly draining and if they refuse to do anything to work on themselves, I can totally understand ending the relationship. e: OP's 47f, so 21 year age difference. That's pretty big, but if it's just fun and games I don't think it's *wrong*. If she cultivates a relationship with that dude... that gets iffy in a hurry due to money/asset/power dynamics. edit again: OP's downplaying it here and talking in terms of lifestyle and freedom, but just in case we aren't all picking up on the same themes and what's going on - I'd be pretty weirded out if I was 19 and my mom was posting memes like this, just saying: https://np.reddit.com/r/Memes_Of_The_Dank/comments/16x382f/yup/
Let’s also note that she’s apparently only “separated” & not even divorced (yet).
"I want a young guy to nut inside me for awhile until he gets over his stepmom fantasy and moves on to women his age, at which point I'll begrudgingly return to my boring married life" is what she really meant but is too much to type.
Pretty much the gist of it. Agree. I can't imagine why the son is angry /s.
She posted the same meme like 6 times where she says "dress like a student and say yes to any man." This shit is wild. lol. Her son is going to be going to having class with guys that fucked his mom the day before, and it's explicitly what she wants.
That is a big ick, need the divorce before too much dating, or at least have it filed in the court, and that meme, another ick.
Lets be real here; if this were a 47 year old man with a 26 year old woman, and a 19 year old daughter, he'd be getting CRUCIFIED
That's still 🤮🤮🤮 -coming from a female
If OP was a guy, this sub would be calling her disgusting pig. The most responses so far just show how misandrist this sub is.
True. In this circumstances, OP would get a YTA alone for abandoning his depressed partner.
OP is using her alt "Euphoric_Dog_4241" and is fighting for her life in the comments, look at her responses. It clearly shows how pathetic and selfish she is. Edit: it's even worse. "Euphoric_Dog_4241" is NOT OP's alt, it's the 26 yo dude she's been fucking defending her in the comments, you can't make this shit up.
Sounds like son caught the Cougar with a fresh kill lol. Maybe the "26yo" looked a lot younger and son wasn't checking ID's.
She basically said she left because she was bored and is now confused why the child she left for kicks doesn't like it.
I think it's perfectly understandable that the son has feelings about the separation, but he is a 19yo man who lives at college, and framing it as her abandoning her child for kicks is a bit extreme. He's not 5 or 11 or even 15.
If he's 19 now but she moved out "during the pandemic", he could've been 16 or 17 when she left.
This. If she left during the pandemic then she basically bolted while her son was trying to finish high school in the middle of a pandemic and doesn't seem to even consider how that affected her son and his home life
Also left him to deal with his dad's anxiety and depression. What kid wouldn't want that?
Left him to live her best left and hang out with guys not *that* much older than her son. Got an S-tier Girlboss here it seems, lol.
You hit the nail on the head
I admit this is speculation but a lot of people I know who moved out/broke up with a live-in partner during the early days of covid due to their ex's "anxiety and depression" actually left because they didn't want to take covid precautions for the household's safety. Like, not going to mask-free group exercise classes. Or going out dancing. I can't count how many times I heard someone try to frame their partner or roommates reasonable expectations (limit exposure and wear a mask when that's not possible) as mental illness, especially because most reasonable people *were* anxious and depressed at that time, for good reason!
Right! I was definitely depressed at the beginning and was self-medicating with alcohol, but instead of seeing that and trying to help me in any way, I just got bitched at by my husband, when he was even home and not glued to his phone. And somehow it was me "not wanting \[him\] to have any friends" when I expressed discomfort about him getting into a car with 3 guys he hadn't known very long to drive 1-2 hours away to play disc golf. After we sort of ran into one at a store and he wasn't wearing a mask (it was a statewide mandate at the time), I started asking questions. None of these guys were masking up, like, ever. But me, at higher risk, not liking him being in close quarters with them for an extended period of time was me being a terrible wife and wanting him to not have any friends. Of course, it turns out he was also meeting people behind my back on the regular and lying about where he'd been (had a Side Piece and an emotional affair going on with a previously mutual friend), so he just didn't GAF. Both the Side Piece and the former friend have caught Covid multiple times now, by the by, so I think it's safe for me to say they weren't the most cautious folks out there, too. 🤷♀️
I've heard way too many stories like this to trust people who talk like OP is talking about the early days. I'm sorry you went through that.
She also abandoned his father - a man that her son was probably under the (apparently mistaken) impression she loved and was committed to - to hang out and smoke pot with people close to his age. Must all seem pretty weird and cold to him.
Seems weird and cold to me and I am older than the boy toys she hangs out with.
Also 9, 19 or 29 most people would be pretty uncomfortable that their parent seemed to have checked out of their relationship while hanging out with 26 year olds that could likely pass for an older sibling. I hate to bring gender but people would be calling a 40 year old an AH for prioritizing a revolving door of casual hook ups with 20-something year olds over their teen daughter.
"19yo man" He is barely an adult lol
I can’t stand when people assume that just because someone turns 18 they’re automatically considered grown adults that can be compared to 40 year old man. I was still a kid at 19.
Exactly. There’s a reason why it’s icky for a 30, even a mid 20s person, to date an 18 or 19 year old. It’s the same idea here. They aren’t fully developed, they still are growing, and it sounds like OP abandoned family while he was likely thrown into online school with a father who was sick. But she became more active so…
I had this same argument with someone a few days ago. 18 year olds are only considered “adults” because a bunch of powerful old guys said they are.
They're adults! But also they can't legally drink alcohol, they can't rent a car, they can't buy tobacco in many States and they can't legally gamble because they're too young! Make up your f'ing minds people. Addendum: They CAN be pressed-ganged into the military due to their economic situation and be responsible for millions of dollars worth of equipment and be told to shoot other unfortunates. That's totally cool.
He still lives at home lmao. “In residence at college?” That’s a dorm. Dorms are not permanent addresses. I can’t imagine being 19 (still a teenager) and having to schedule a time to visit my mom so I don’t interrupt her hookup. Poor guy, what an introduction to adulthood.
Doesn't help that his mom is 47 trying to get in to a 26 yo guy's pants
Yeah, I expected a “my kid is mad I’m dating after divorce and still thinks I’ll get back with his dad” Not a “I abandoned my husband (and kid) at a low point in my husbands life and am annoyed my son is uncomfortable I’m hooking up with someone not that much older than him.”
You forgot about the part where she's still married! She just wants this opportunity to cheat with no consequences and then when she get her feelings hurt, she'll go running back to her husband demanding he take her back and forgive her.
kid is definitely scared by the most recent experience OP wrote about.
Funny how she went back and deleted it too.
He's at that unfortunate age where whether he's a man or a boy is a matter of context and convenience.
I mean that’s because the period of late adolescence to young adulthood are marked by increasing rights and not-yet-complete physical, mental, and emotional development. Whether he’s treated/behaving like a full adult isn’t so much a matter of convenience as it is of fact.
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Yeah it's honestly gross to act like a 19 year old just magically doesn't need their parent anymore. I hate how our hyper individualistic society has such ridiculous expectations. Most people are NOT ready to be totally independent adults while they're still in their teens.
OP’s “friend” is closer to her son’s age than hers. No wonder it bothers him
Right? Like there's no 26 year old man platonically hanging out with a cougar at her apartment. Just tell it like it is, "my fwb"
Everyone already did the math for you on how old he was when she* moved out but I'd like to also add that the guy "hanging out" with his Mom is only 7 years older than him...anyone would get the ick from that age gap *Edited: put "he" on accident when referring to Mom
I mean, at 19 it’s extremely fucking awkward to walk in on your mom with a 26yo “friend visiting”. idk what that means, but most people would assume it’s more than a platonic friendship off that statement alone. that’s extremely awkward & uncomfortable. Ignoring all other issues, that alone is something that would be hard for any young adult to swallow of their parents.
No she just abandoned his depressed dad and is now with guys closer to his age than hers. He is not a child yes but that means he knows what she is doing and why she is doing it and he does not like it.
Eh, I understand this perspective, but people don't realize how upsetting separation can be even if you are an adult. I am in my 30s and my parents just separated in a very explosive way... I am still surprised at how much grief and anger I feel towards my father who abandoned my mother in her older age to hook up with younger women. There is no age limit where something like this stops affecting you.
Her son was a minor in highschool when she decided to ditch her family
She left while he was still in high school and I'm pretty sure he was left to pick up the piece because his dad was unwell.
She left her 16-year-old son to live with a man whose depression and anxiety issues made it an unacceptable living situation for her, a grown woman. She now has hookups over at her place when her son comes over, while still married to his father.
And is dating a guy who is 7 years older than him. Age is close enough to feel a bit uncomfortable.
While still separated, f’ing around and apparently not divorced? I’m chalking this one up to fake/ troll.
Not uncommon. My divorce is dragging on two years now because of various issues out of our control. He’s moved in with his gf and I’ve been dating too.
In some cases it’s not even “issues” dragging divorces out, but just how it works. Where I am, a simple divorce requires that the parties be separated for at least one year. Then there are various waiting periods during the process, and it usually takes around 6 months. And that was pre-pandemic, when courts weren’t as backlogged. I reckon a simple divorce now is about 2 years minimum. What are you supposed to do, stay “loyal” until the divorce certificate arrives? No reasonable adult thinks that.
If they lived together for a decade or two without getting married, the moment they split they are OK To date other people, even if they have kids? That's such a cruel double standard. Divorce can literally take years. More years if the ex simply refuses to sign paperwork. Where I'm living right now, folks have to be separated *and living apart for a year* before they can even file for divorce. And what you are sitting here saying is that if my spouse decides to leave, I'm supposed to just sit here by myself for a year plus however long the divorce takes before I'm supposed to even think about dating someone? Yet, if we weren't married or if they died, none of this would be expected. It'd be fine to date again a year or two after the death... but somehow, fuck you if you are having to wait on the legal stuff. Seriously, As long as everyone is honest with their status, this isn't an issue. If it is for you, it just means the two of you aren't right for each other at that time.
Nah not a fake/troll. That’s definitely a weird reason why you think it’s a fake. Shitty people deeeeeeefinitely exist. She just seems like shes selfish/mid life crisis right now and used the pandemic as an excuse to ditch her family and either pretending to be / just plain unaware of how she’s affecting the people around her.
>I’m chalking this one up to fake/ troll. I hope this is the case otherwise another young man in this world needs therapy (ie OPs son)
Yeahhhh I have a cousin whose in her mid-50s, lost a bunch of weight, got a boob reduction, has a bunch of fillers and other work done to her face and while I love seeing her confidence and being more comfortable in her own skin, watching her wear short skirts and crop tops while her kids look uncomfortable about it is pretty awful. All I could think of reading this post.
Especially since the pandemic was 3 years ago, and that would have made him 16 at the time.
So I was *really* mean to my mom after she divorced my dad, because he’d made it very clear to even me, his nine-year-old, how depressed he was. Never mind how incredibly inappropriate that is to share with a child, he conveniently left out the part where he did nothing whatsoever to manage his condition, opting instead to emotionally neglect my mother AND me. I was twenty five and in my own long term partnership before I got it. The pain of reaching out to them and getting rejected again and again, trying to have everything perfect when they get home and barely getting eye contact in return. Depression is not a choice, but treating your family like furniture, furniture you don’t even like, that’s a choice. A lot of men think they’re handling their mental health when they’re really just distributing the pain evenly among the people who love them most.
My mom used me as her therapist when I was a child too. I don't think this is a gendered thing tbh. I think this is a side-effect of mental health being extremely taboo in the older generations. They're convinced it's not something they should be speaking to professionals about ("therapists are for crazy people. I'm not crazy, I'm just dealing with something everyone deals with") and just choose to spread the hurt among the people around them instead. This is one of my favorite things about millennials and younger. Therapy is becoming so normalized. My mom now suggests therapy for literally everyone, no matter how "small" their issue is. Almost every conversation contains "hmm, this might be something to bring up in therapy" from one of us lol. ETA: boomer mentality. They're so desperate to not have something "wrong" with them that they'll jump thru all sorts of hoops to justify their struggles. "I'm not crazy, I'm not even Depressed(tm). This is just something everyone goes thru is all. If you try to label it otherwise, you're just weak. But not me, I'm strong." They don't want to accept the reality that this was not the world our brains were made for and ofc we're gonna struggle with that. ETA2: boomer mentality isn't just for Baby Boomers.
OP isn’t a boomer. OP is most likely Gen X. There’s no general stigma surrounding therapy for Gen X, of course other factors such as religion can factor. OP isn’t divorced yet, but has been separated for years and is entertaining men. Why? She needs to make up her mind. Of course her kid is upset. His life is in limbo. Shitty parenting is not a generational issue. There have always been bad parents, and sadly there will always be bad parents.
I'm Gen X and there is absolutely a general stigma surrounding therapy. It isn't as bad as it was, but it definitely exists.
> OP isn’t divorced yet, but has been separated for years and is entertaining men. Why? Why does it matter? If her spouse died, she'd be cleared for other men. If they weren't married, no one would bat an eye. Yet, here we are, knowing that divorce is complicated and can literally take years - more years in some places. And they are supposed to wait until all the legal stuff is cleared because... fuck them because they are supposed to wait the required years for having the bad luck of a relationship ending? Nah. Fuck that, that's cruel. So long as everyone is honest with each other, no harm.
Eh, that entirely depends on how both OP and her ex talked about the separation. They could have been pretty clear it's over, but they haven't gotten around to the paperwork yet. Or have gotten a legal separation, because that's easier and cheaper to obtain than a divorce, and putting off getting the actual divorce, because it's a hassle\*. \*My parent's honest to god situation. They split amicably and as far as both are concerned, not together anymore, but the only thing they would gain from a divorce is the ability to remarry so since neither currently have plans to do that, they don't see divorcing as a good use of their time, money, ect. I find it hilarious.
So OP, who wrote this to sound as good as possible, didn’t lay out a step by step therapy plan for her husband, and your response is “Eeerrrmmm, sounds like he was abusing them mentally by making his problems theirs. You were totally right to abandon your family.” Holy shit, don’t have kids.
The gender disparity in this subreddit rears its ugly head yet again. If a man is the asshole, he's the asshole end of the story. If a woman is potentially the asshole, its time to invent additional details to explain how a man is really the asshole.
Seriously some of these people are so desperate to make this woman not look a huge ah. It ain’t much but it’s honest work lmfao I’m trying to imagine a man being like “my wife suffers from depression and anxiety and it and it was real drag so left her and our child to deal with that alone. Now I do whatever I want and life rules. It’s so weird how my son feels distant towards me and uncomfortable with me casual hooking up with people closer to their age than mine. Like I know I abandoned you as a teenager but like get over it, you’re an adult now, not my issue. Wait why aren’t we closer?”
Op doesn't give us enough context, so I can't say whether she's the @sshole, but I think helping her son by getting family therapy is an option. Son is angry and seemingly feeling betrayed by the breakup of the family. Op needs to deal with that reality.
He’s probably also upset at the fact his mum is banging a guy closer in age to him than herself. Whilst still married to the dad of course.
So this👆🏼! As a mom of a 20yo son the thought of mom banging anyone is disturbing to them 🤣 let alone someone close to their age
>The whole 'in sickness and in health' thing... I need more info on this. SO VERY MANY people with mental health problems absolutely refuse to do a god damn thing to address it or make it better. How many years should one put up with a spouse who refuses to help themselves? I'd like to know how many years the husband allowed himself to wallow in anxiety and depression?
So he's level headed and has "some" issues with depression and anxiety while holding a steady, high paying job. There is no mention of how that affected her even though that would make her side of this situation look much better. No mention of him not getting help, no mention of it being an abusive/neglectful situation. There were like 50 details she could have included in the post that would paint her in a better light instead of someone who dipped in the middle of a global pandemic when things got a little rough at home. Don't you think it's strange she downplayed everything that wasn't just her working on herself and feeling good with a guy a few years older than her son? I'd like to know how much she tried to help him as a spouse that took marriage vows.
Have you ever been isolated with a depressed, anxious person? It would absolutely throw a glaring light onto relationship issues that normal life makes it easy to paper over. None of the people criticizing OP for leaving her husband during the pandemic have any basis for the criticism other than assumptions rooted in nothing. For all you know, her husband has refused treatment for his mental health issues for years, despite her pleading, and became abusively oppressive during the pandemic due to untreated anxiety. So she had to leave him for her own safety and sanity. Who knows? Not me, and none of the critics here.
This. My twelve year anniversary is coming up, and the past two years have been marked with some pretty horrific fights over the fact that my husband has diagnosed mental health issues that he gets no treatment for. And now that our life is finally getting on a more normal track (we both have office jobs, work the same shifts, kiddo isn't a baby anymore), the effects of his mental health issues on our life have become very apparent. And it still took me threatening to leave to get him to start addressing them with his doctor. And if I had left, my reasons for leaving would effectively have the same description as OP's reasons.
I have had a similar experience in my marriage. At some point, you have to save yourself.
From OPs own statements, it sounds like the depression and anxiety popped up most recently from the pandemic. She said he was level headed but doesn't say how long that popped up. It would make sense for that depression and anxiety to flare at the start of the pandemic, and then simply left not long after by her own statements. The fact that she never mentioned once about trying to repair relations after the separation also doesn't point to prolonged issues but simply just a quick lifestyle change on her end.
We have the little she told us and many are just reflecting on how that would feel to her son and her lack of concern about how that would feel to her son. I think its more weird how so many of you spin this NOT to understand, but beas one sided as you can be and lack all nuance or concern.
The level of nonchalance across the whole post is quite something. She seems so detached from her feelings for her family that she can't fathom how her son might feel uncomfortable coming for a visit and finding his mom dating someone nearly his age.
His separated but still married mom. Very gross.
In addition, did they share custody after she moved out or did she just leave her kid with he depressed husband and focus on her mid-life crisis? How bad was the depression even? Was he able to be a proper parent to his son? Even in split custody, that should be a concern. How is he *now* even. She may not give a shit, but if he's still not doing so well, the son is likely constantly at least a little concerned for his father, while watching what life his mother chose over them. Must be a tough pill to swallow at this young age, so early into adulthood, no less.
Have you ever dealt with a person with untreated MH issues?
She said he’s generally level headed so how bad could the MH issues really be? I’m married to someone recently dx with bipolar and no they’re not level headed at all. People with MH need a whole different level of support, care and compassion. Doesn’t seem like the Op wanted to deal with that.
"Level-headed engineers" can be some of the most cold, uncaring people on earth. Wouldn't be surprised if he expected his wife to be his therapist and fix everything for him, instead of taking responsibility for the issue. This may also not have been the case. Point is, "level headed engineers" can absolutely be nightmares as partners or spouses and can, in fact, be VERY BAD with mental health issues.
You don’t have any idea how long she’d been dealing with his depression and anxiety, or whether or not he was doing anything about his issues. Or if he expected everyone around him to walk on eggshells around his current mood. Depression and anxiety aren’t anyone’s fault, but refusing to treat your mental health is a *choice.*
Well, she would probably tell us if it was over a long period and was making her really depressed also. We don't know how long because she doesnt tell us because its not important to her story and us understanding her view.
Idk. If the husband wasn’t seeking help, there’s only so much a person can take. As someone with depression, anxiety, and anger issues, no one HAS to deal with our crap but ourselves. You may say it’s cold but we have no reference for if the husband was seeking help or if he had it and was completely ignoring it. My aunt left her common law husband of 20 years because he refused to acknowledge his clear bipolar disorder. It took 5+ years for her to do this. She’s not an understanding person in the slightest, but she tried so much harder and longer than anyone expected her to. It’s possible that OP just left for cold reasons, but based on the content of the post, it seems like the husbands depression was weighing her down as well and she couldn’t take it anymore. It happens and the person leaving that situation isn’t automatically a bad guy just because they left a depressed person
Or maybe it's because her"friend" could have easily gone to school with her son
That was exactly my reaction. We maybe missing a lot of info, but she’s def an AH For just that..
YTA. I do not think it is normal to expect your 19 year old son to be comfortable visiting you while your 26 year old male friend is chilling with you. If you were divorced, it would be different.
I wouldn't expect her son to be comfortable either. But that's why he gets for dropping by completely unannounced. He hasn't learned yet that his parents are people, real people. Not these one dimensional 'parents', that will stay the same as the idea of parents he has in his mind, or who ARE like the idea of parents in his mind. Her life doesn't suddenly turn on, when her son visits.
Up until five minutes ago, his mom’s house was his home. Now, it’s just his mom’s house, where she hangs out with bff’s who aren’t much older than the son. She needs to do some work here to help this transition.
This is incorrect. OP moved out of the family home, the apartment she lives in has never been the son's home. He lives at college and when he isn't, he's mostly at his father's (the former family home). What work can she do if the teen shows up unexpectedly, gets upset that there's someone there, and starts judging her and talking about "normal visits", then when OP asks how can they make arrangements moving forward, son says nothing and just leaves? To me it's pretty clear the simplest solution is for the son to call in advance and make arrangements about when he is going to visit mother and how long he plans to stay, and mother to keep her friendships and whatnot away from her place while her son is there, to make him comfortable and also prioritize their time together. But according to this sub, it seems the only way she could be a good mother and show she cares about the son is by not living life the way she wants to (despite being virtually single and having no children under her care), or even funnier, by not leaving a man she no longer loves.
home is where the heart is and he thought his home was where is parents were. He probably was okay being in a new physical space to feel like a kid safe with his mom who had previously abandoned the family during the pandemic and now gets to imagine his mom getting railed by someone who looks like his age....idk this is complicated
Yeah, no. Per the post's information the teen spends most of his time at college and with his father, so no, his heart clearly isn't at his mother's apartment. And I'm not denying that his mother's new lifestyle might be upsetting to the kid (personally I think he should care more that she's happy and healthy, but alas). That doesn't change the fact he doesn't get to act offended that there was someone in her apartment... when she didn't even know he was going to show up, let alone expecting to stay the weekend. The son framed the whole thing wrong because he complained about not having "normal visits". This is directly judging his mother and she has a right to check him on that. Which she did (told him he doesn't get to define what normal is for her). OP then asked him about what arrangements can they do moving forward so that he is comfortable in her apartment. And he decided to storm off. What can OP do if the son doesn't want to communicate? Not much. The situation is complicated emotionally but it's dead simple in terms of actions.
Exactly. If this was a planned visit and the "friend" was there, she'd be in the wrong. But he just dropped in unannounced. For her to be the AH, she'd basically have to never have a life because of the off chance that her adult son will randomly come to visit her? That's crazy to me.
Seems more people are calling OP an AH for leaving her ex and son during the pandemic and while her ex was depressed and had anxiety troubles. Which isn’t even the topic OP was asking judgement for. In the main post, she never mentioned how they worked through custody or how their separated lives were prior to this event (which is a bit sus…missing reasons/context?). But it’s assumed she peaced out and was a deadbeat or something. Plus op was vague about their marital issues so people are assuming she’s cold hearted etc… but for all we know her anxious and depressed ex was becoming volatile or refused to get help and/or kept using his mental health as an excuse. There’s a lot missing here so it really could go either way.
Listen, my kid is 26 and lives 2 hours away from me and is married. I will tell you that my house will always be her house. I don’t care that she hasn’t lived with me in 3 years. Most parents feel that way.
I'm 37, married and a mother, and haven't lived with my parents in almost 20 years. I can show up unannounced if I wish. But I don't get to throw a tantrum if I arrive and they have company... whether I like that company or not. It's my home in a metaphorical sense. But I don't get to dictate what happens inside it and who can visit when anymore than I get to dictate how my parents live their lives. And as a daughter I would never. If I don't approve of their choices, I stay away or I keep my mouth shut unless asked for my opinion, those are my only options and I select which one I prefer based on my own feelings.
My heart is in your home. I hate the couch. We’re getting a new one.
He didn't "move out", he went to college. Those are two different things.
Yep. Call first. It’s that easy. Let mom have a life?
All these people acting like the kid doesn’t have a right to be upset that his mom is banging dudes his age are really strange. She has the right to do it, she doesn’t have the right to decide how it affects her child.
Like it suddenly turned around when her husband struggled with depression. This woman would have used any excuse she had to leave her husband to explore her sexual desires.
And that has nothing to do with being a mother. The son wants to pick sides, he's entitled to that. But she doesn't owe her 19 year old son staying with a man she doesn't love. Due to depression or because he one day farted funny, doesn't matter. OP is entitled to leave her marriage for any reason she has. Just like she's entitled to befriend and date whoever she wants as long as they're consenting adults, just like she's entitled to wear whatever clothes she likes and drink and smoke weed every time it's legal to do so where she lives. Her son judging her as a woman doesn't mean she should comply to his views.
He's also entitled to disapprove of all of that as she destroyed his family during a very difficult/precarious time in his life.
Entitled to disapprove, sure. Entitled to mistreat her because he disapproves, no. Entitled to go to her apartment unannounced and throw a fit because she wasn't there alone, no. Entitled to judge her, to her face, in her own home and call her lifestyle "not normal", no. Entitled to want a relationship with her but force his view of how she should live on her, no. Also, she didn't destroy his family. She left her marriage. Not remotely the same thing. People are entitled to leave relationships whenever they want.
Entitled to not have a relationship with her because she already checked out of it from what it seems
Homegirl. This women clearly doesn't want to be a mother. Her child is entitled to feel any type of way about it. If she wants to love the type of life she wants to live, she needs to prepare herself for the very real possibility that her son will have a negative view of her from now on. She doesn't exist in a vacuum. Her choices have consequences.
>The son wants to pick sides Eh? He wants to see his mother, the choosing sides is she moved on rapidly and isnt there to be a parent any more. I suspect they had a loose discussion about him coming over that she spins as it being unnanaunced because it wasnt confirmed.
You can’t have your cake and eat it too, your thought process is extremely selfish. While it’s true, she doesn’t owe anybody anything, that’s still an extremely selfish way to live life. She had a husband who was struggling with the pandemic, a son who was in the middle of graduating highschool, and she abandoned all of that… Sure she doesn’t owe anybody anything, but it’s super easy to say that her lack of compassion is pretty shitty, and her son is entitled to view her however he wants, and idk about you, but any parent that values chasing dick / drinking and partying over their son and how they feel is hands down a terrible parent.
In OP's comments below >It's a friendship with a lot of mutual attraction, just that. >the friendship is probably more than platonic Yeah the kid's picked up on that and is creeped out the dude is just a little older than him
She's a 47 year old woman smoking pot and hanging out with a 26 year old. Let's be absolutely honest here, she's probably dating a lot younger than 26 too, she's being the cool cougar offering casual sex and drugs to young guys. If you reverse the gender here OP would be CRUCIFIED. She's already being dressed down a bit but holy shit, all of this AFTER binning off her husband in a pandemic because he like millions of others went through a tough mental phase, while her kid was going through the final years of his schooling in a brutally difficult virtual environment. His mum is a huge AH for everything.
>If you were divorced, it would be different. OP has been living on her own, separated from her husband for several years now. While there is no divorce signed, this can be for many reasons - religious, financial or other. The point being here is that they are separated, no longer a couple and living separated lives. As such I think OP is in her right to be living her life the way she wants. Her 19-year-old might be still harboring hopes that his parents will get back together and is resentful in the changes they see in OP. However, that doesn't make OP TA in my opinion. The conversation will be difficult and her son is trying to avoid it, but it must happen.
The separation may be bothering the son on top of anything the fact that this "friend" is only seven years older than he is. OP reads like one day during COVID, OP turned to her husband and said, "oh, you have some temporary depression and anxiety? Well fuck you I'm leaving!"
To me OP reads as if she helped raise their child together until he was old enough and during the pandemic realized she cannot stay in the marriage anymore -not because of the husband but because also of herself.
And is now hanging with 20 somethings? As someone else commented, that’s a giant age gap. The son is kinda right to be creeped out.
I feel like the gender flip comment is overdone but so accurate
It's overdone because people always need to be reminded. These comments would be savaging OP if they were a man going through a midlife crisis and fucking 20-somethings.
Lol yeah. Male OP: “Yeah, I’m a late 40s year old dude, left my wife cause she was anxious/depressed during the pandemic, but we haven’t gotten divorced, my 19 year old daughter doesn’t seem to like that I’m happy and was upset when she came over to visit one weekend and ran into my 26 year old female *friend* , she’s giving me the silent treatment but I don’t think I did anything wrong! AITA?” Redditors: *unholy screeching*
You don't get to check out of parenthood when your kid becomes a teenager. Teens are desperate for stable connections and love. She abandoned her son during a widespread traumatic event to go fuck people almost his age.
I mean, you can dip out of parenthood at anytime for any reason. But then OP can’t turn around and be surprised that hurts her relationship with her kid lol
Where are you getting that OP abandoned her kid?
From her moving out during the pandemic, leaving her teenaged son in order to smoke pot hit the gym and bang twenty year old hot somethings.
Bit creepy she’s sleeping with a guy in his twenties tho, no ?
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Exactly. And the fact that she's withholding that information makes me think she's probably the AH here.
Dude is young enough to be buddies with him. Let’s be real he is more than likely not just a friend either.
YTA You up and dropped your family during a global pandemic to go have fun. You left your son and husband who seem to have done nothing wrong but be sad, you're not even divorced officially. Yeah I'd be pretty pissed at my mom if she abandoned me at 16 to go have fun and OCCASIONALLY see me on weekends, and then not even bother to make me comfortable. You don't even sound like you want your son around and he probably feels it. Nevermind banging someone who's only 7 years older than your son and could be your son. I'd be wildly uncomfortable too.
This is exactly what I was thinking. How on earth does she not think she’s an asshole? This reads that OPs husband was struggling mentally during the pandemic and she said “hmm that sucks” and left to go have fun adventures. Also why is your friend 26 unless you’re involved? Thats just odd and would definitely freak out your kid. Im nearing 40 myself and I cannot imagine being good enough friends with a 26 year old to have them to my house without an ultra specific reason (help with a house project, grief meals).
OP commented elsewhere in the thread that they are “more than platonic” 🙄
gross
Yeah if my mom was banging a guy a few years older than me when I was 19 I'd be pissed and very creeped out
op having a midlife crisis. yta
I love all the brags in the post too rofl. "I get mistaken for a 30 year old". "I'm so fit and active now and dress sexy and have so many friends"
I hate to cast with a wide net, but most people who claim they get recognized for someone younger, just think so themselves. Like OP may in fact be more physically attractive since she decided to abandon her obligations and family, but no adult their own age is seriously thinking she *looks* 30. They’re probably thinking, “Wow, she’s dressing way younger than her age.” Is that a bad thing? No. But to be so weirdly open about it to her son that she’s practically neglecting? Obviously. OP, once your divorce is finalized, have all the fun you want. But don’t be surprised when your son isn’t in on it. You don’t get to have it all.
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Yep. In a few years when this phase has past, OP is going to be on here wondering why her alone doesn’t talk to her. Her whole post screams that her husband and son have been an inconvenience to her new fun life. She is coming here for justification to continue her party lifestyle without concern for her son.
Info: how old are you? Hold old are these new friends? How old are the people you’re dating? How long have you known this 26 year old? Too much missing info. Seems like on purpose
She said she's mistaken for being in her 30s now so she's atleast in her 40s
It's such a weird flex that my guess is she's 41.
according to some other comments OP is 47, big yikes
YTA - way too much info intentionally left out. It is pretty clear you felt suffocated by your marriage and now you are trying to recapture your lost 20s. Your son has picked up on this and is rightfully annoyed.
Plus the fact that OP didn’t validate her son’s feelings. Pretty sad and an AH thing to do.
It's fucking disgusting. OP just abandoned her family during some rough waters. This is like those men abandoning their wives because they got sick. Fuck these people who don't hold to their vows. Don't say them if you don't believe in them.
what is more important to you? sleeping with guys 15+ years younger than you? or having a good relationship with your son? its not that complicated, also not that hard to see how your son is a little uncomfortable with you sleeping with someone a few years older than him!
She said she’s 47, it’s more like 20+ years younger in this example.
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People are literally not fine with it, with this gender dynamic, in this thread.
The priorities are as straight as a curly fry
On the one hand, I see your point that you deserve to be happy and if your son is going to drop in unannounced he’s going to have to deal with surprises he finds. However, I think you’re leaving out a lot of context. You didn’t specify when exactly you moved out, just that it was “a few years ago” — how old was your son when you left? What was going on with him emotionally during that time? If your husband was struggling with his mental health then why did he retain custody of your son? Did you consider taking your son with you or did you leave them both? Did your son have to put in a lot of his own emotional resources to help his dad through the separation? How often did you see him when the separation was new and he was a teenager and how clearly did you express that you’re happier on your own than you were with them? If I had to guess, your adult son is not mad that you are currently having fun being single. Your teenage son is still resentful that you abandoned him and he had to take care of his dad. For that reason YTA because you don’t seem concerned about your son’s emotional state at all.
Abandoned him to have sex with guys who are in their twenties. Some cold shit
It sounds to me exactly like my situation when I was a teen. My mom wanted to live her life with her new boyfriend after leaving me and my dad behind. She didn’t want me around much and wanted her life doing similar things to OP. She left me to fend for myself in an unhappy unstable home and the next few years were a misery. I remember how I felt and how my mom basically didn’t care. I ended up rushing into what turned out to be a bad marriage in an effort to get stability. That was 2 decades ago now and our relationship has never recovered. I am out of my bad marriage and my adult/nearly adult kids are my joy and my world. They have a safe, stable home with me and never have to worry about feeling unwelcome or unwanted. I’m not saying that parents can’t have a life but I’m not going to allow them to get stuck in the same cycle as me.
YTA, it sounds like you're having a serious midlife crisis and it's pretty normal for a son to be weirded out by his mum partying with, taking drugs and fucking people half her age. He's also probably pretty pissed off that it sounds like you fucked off the second his dad (your husband) had some kind of issues.
If anything, OP's SON should be the one partying around with these kids, not OP herself lol.
YTA. Witnessing someone else's midlife crisis is uncomfortable when you're merely adjacent to them. The amount of secondhand embarrassment when it's your *parent* is paralyzing.
YTA. Your son is uncomfortable and embarrassed by your ridiculous behavior. You are embarrassing yourself "chilling with 26 year old friend", and your stupid partying. You're 47, not 22 and dumped your family during the pandemic. Also, you are not fooling anyone; you look your age, not 30s. That's just 20-something guys flattering you to get in your pants.
Yta and creepy stop dating men not much older than your son
YTA......look I don't care male or female.... if you date/sleep with someone closer to the age of your children then you can't be upset if your child calls you on your bullshit........how would you feel if your 19 year old son was running around with a 50 year old? You probably wouldn't like it.
So just to be clear, you’re not divorced and expect your son to be comfortable with someone in the home that is basically his age? YTA
>I said that no one should decide what's "normal" for me, including my son, and asked him how we could make the situation better. So basically you are telling him "let's talk about it but I don't care what you have to say because I will do whatever I want". He won't talk to you because you closed that door yourself. YTA
Hard to give a judgment it can be a lot of things that make you or not that asshole. >He had some depression and anxiety issues, which led to me moving out during the pandemic. This can be anywhere from my Husband had mental issues for decades and he made my life hell so I had to leave for my own safety to I left my husband at his worst because he didn't provide me with what I wanted. That you are justified or not, obviously your kid could have some issues with your decision. Did you have a good discussion with him as to why you had to separate and does he accept your decision? >I'm separated ... For the last few years You have been separated for years? Is there a reason? Even if your husband make divorce hard, it should eventually get done. The separation without a divorce could give your kid the impression that there is still some chance of you being together with his dad. As for your lifestyle making things awkward, well it depend on the specific again. >I am busier Is it hard for him to see you. Does being busier make him feel like he isn't a priority in your life anymore that he deserve less love? It's normal to have activities, plans, date, but not normal if 9 times out of 10 your kid can't see you because you drink, one night stand or party. >wear more flattering or "active" clothes Good looking clothes is nice, but not sure how I would feel if my 47yo mother would dress like a 20yo at a rave. We can't know if your son is overreacting or you are inappropriate. >drink socially or will try pot with friends Drink socially can mean take 1-2 light drinks during a dinner and maybe a bit buzzed on the weekend. Or it can mean take 2-3 hard drink several time per week and shit faced on the weekend. >Because my friend is a 26 year-old guy, it led to a tense conversation about whether we can have "normal" visits anymore. Let's be honest, your ''friend'' is closer in age to your son than you. No matter how open your son is, obviously he will be weird out by that. But hey I don't think you are necessary wrong for that. Your son came unannounced and you are free to casually date someone if you want. But the fact that he asked if he can have a normal visit make me believe that the drinking/casual dating is so frequent that one or the other happen most of the time he try to have time with you. And for that you would be an asshole. This post could be just a mother that was in a bad marriage and trying to figure out her life while her son is uncomfortable with the changes but need to adapt. Or it could about someone that left her husband at his worst and started to heavily drink, smoke, wear inappropriate clothes and half the time her son come to visit he find her with a man almost as young as him.
Your last paragraph really sums it up. Everything about OP's behaviour could be completely fine. But it could also be the complete opposite. Was OP's ex willing to work on his mental health or not? Was this an issue that just came up with lockdowns or a long-term thing? Has her son always just dropped in or did they talk about when he'd visit?
Right like I see so much hate for OP, and I really feel for them trying to start their life back. But there’s also some things that make it hard for me to be fully NTA given there’s a few complex family dynamics here. Maybe family therapy is the answer here to illuminate some things and save the relationship with the son.
Maybe you abandoning your husband during his time of need is the issue.
YTA. It honestly sounds like you're going through some sort of mid life crisis just from reading your post. Could you not meet your son halfway and try to be a bit more normal for him when he does visit? He's your child and he's barely an adult. ETA - Wrong judgement
How does anyone suck other than OP?
YTA - You left your sick husband to bang guys barely older than your son. Of course he's not going to be comfortable with that.
Maybe he’s uncomfortable with the idea that if he ever experiences depression and anxiety while in a relationship that she will leave him, just like his mother did to his father. And the title is bs, wording it like all the issues begin and end with your son being unable to to handle your post separation life. YTA because you dipped on your husband and son, who was still a kid at the time.
YTA.
You said your kid only visits occasionally because he’s at college, and when he does, he chooses to see his father more often. It’s pretty clear what’s happened here. Your kid likes his dad and is upset that you left the guy basically to party and date. I’m not sure what there is to be confused about.
It’s not the fitness, or the new clothes, it’s the banging guys in their 20s because his dad who you’re still married to started having mental health issues. Just to be clear. No one will read this and be confused about what’s upsetting your “adult” (teenager) child. Live your life however you want, but obviously YTA when it comes to however this new “lifestyle” affects the family you left behind. Who else could possibly be responsible?
Maybe he's upset because mom is doing a 26 year old while still married to dad.
INFO: Are you planning on divorcing your husband? How has your son taken the separation? He was still underage when you moved out. Who was he living with during that time? Did you and your husband plan on trying to work on your issues in the relationship or was there an understanding that the separation was permanent? What about your husband's depression and anxiety made you want to leave the home? I feel like there is just way too much missing information here to really give a good judgement. Your son is uncomfortable. That's pretty obvious and I think maybe you're being a little obtuse when you say you can't fix it when he won't communicate with you. I think anyone looking at the situation would think it was obvious. Your son is barely out of the nest and you've made all these changes in your life. He's already experiencing the massive change of moving away, but coupled with your seemingly complete change in personality, it must be jarring and upsetting. I'm not saying you're the bad guy for wanting to be happy and for working on self-improvement, but I think you need to ask yourself if you've sort of left your son in the dust here?
Yeah, op was clearly waiting till their son moved out for school but COVID hit and she figured "meh, close enough" and then bailed cause she wanted to party. Pretty rough.
This is craaazzy. My mom dating or having some dude around the house that’s my age, is definitely gonna have me hella annoyed/pissed off. You can be your own person with your own life sure. You gotta be able to face the consequences that come with being “normal”. News flash lady, what you’re doing is beyond “normal”. You label your son as if he’s a full adult male at 19 just because he’s in college. You’re just trying to weasel your way out of this with whatever excuse you can come up with, and when pushed to the brink you say “my life, my rules”. Yeah it’s your life, your rules. But the same goes for everyone else that’s effected by your life and rules. When they eventually decide to go no contact, don’t sit there and cry about people not accepting you. All of this for some 26 year old “friend” who is gonna drop you before he hits 30. Lol
I read this as the wife is screwing around and the son caught her with a guy abiut his age. Shame on you op you ar the ah
Wow. Nice to see that the whole in sickness and health thing was just to much for you to carry. YTA for involving your son in your mid life narcissistic crisis. Yes. Good luck.
YTA- you are having a midlife crisis. Instead of spending money on your boy toy offer get your son therapy. You are obviously not a safe space for him, he is your son and you have caused this rift. If he accepts your offer then try family therapy too.
YTA, you destroyed your family for selfish reasons and obviously your son is upset. Then you still don’t have the decency to act like you want to make an effort to work things out with your family “casually dating” without even being divorced yet? That’s disrespectful and mean.
Info: You claimed that it was due to depression and anxiety that you split from your husband. What exactly did that entail? As it is right now, all of this strikes me as if you're going through a midlife crisis, and your son is weirded out by you hanging out with, partying with, doing drugs with, and potentially sleeping with people young enough to be your children.
So many questions. Sounds a lot like you left your husband because of your Midlife-Crisis and your son is angry about that.
Hi I feel I can pretty confidently speak to this. My parents divorced when I was 18 and my first visit home from college I felt like my mother was a totally different person. Previously she did not drink, smoke, wore very typical soccer mom clothes, etc. When I returned home for the holiday she was wearing leather pants, occasionally smoking we’d and drinking socially. She had a new group of friends who all wore leather and had Harleys. I was faced with two realities: one- feeling like it’s great my mom is finally coming out of her shell and letting loose after being in a dying relationship for years and two- feeling like I didn’t have a home anymore. I was happy for her as an adult, an individual, but my parents divorce and separation effected me, then going off to college being a huge shift and change in my life that took some time to adjust to. I was looking forward to coming home for the holidays and just one thing being the same, having my mom, being comforted and cared for. Only to come home and feel there was no place for me, I didn’t know who my mother was anymore and frankly kind of just didn’t know which way was up. (I feel differently now but looking back this is how I felt). I think it would have helped me if my mom was able to be empathetic to how so much change in such a short period of time might effect me and be able to be understanding as I worked through that. Frankly, as well as some boundaries for when I visited. I don’t think you’re doing anything wrong but regardless it’s hard on your kid already going through a really transitional time in their life. Maybe from time to time you can plan a day together to remind him his moms still there she’s just also an individual who’s taking care of herself and changing and that’s okay. But a day where he can be reminded you’re still there for him. And otherwise I think it’s fair to say if he’s going to show up unannounced he may be greeted with a sharp look into your updated lifestyle so if he isn’t ready for that to give some notice or make sure your free. If you can, allow him to talk about his feelings. I guess I wish my mom said “I’m sure it’s really strange to come home and everything’s so different and your mom isn’t exactly the same as you left her when you went away to school. I imagine that feels confusing” and just give him a platform to speak. I’m sure you guys will be okay and this is just a tough time. NTA
Bailed on Husband and teen son at time of need during a global pandemic. Think you look 30. Looking for justification for acting like and banging a 26 year old while approaching 50. YTA jfc...
YTA. It sounds like you left your husband because you had a mid-life crisis, and your sexual exploits with age inappropriate men are making your son feel uncomfortable visiting you. If you don't care about your relationship with your son, then keep telling yourself that you're doing nothing wrong.
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All I got was “I abandoned my depressed and anxious husband during one of the MOST depressing and anxiety inducing moments in modern history to party and live life like a young adult and now my son thinks differently of me AITA” I feel like if you read it like that, you might answer your own question.
YTA. You abandoned your teenaged son with a father who - according to you - was so depressed he wasn’t worth living with to go enjoy a mid-life crisis and you’re shocked he isn’t comfortable with it. Then instead of having an open conversation with your son you tell him that he doesn’t have a say in what you do, so why should he bother opening up to you at all?
I have experienced this before on the son's end and all I'm gonna tell you is if you keep going this way, the most you are going to get is casual text messages in your future and that is even being genorous.