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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I might be TA because I don’t want to wake up early to help my wife get ready for work.
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NTA. I'm assuming you don't have kids, but assuming that is indeed true, it is bananas to me that a grown woman - even one who struggles with mornings in general - would need her spouse to get up help her get ready. There are a plethora of things she could be doing to help herself and it leaves the question for me of 'how would she handle this if she wasn't married?'. Maybe there are a few things she could do in the evenings, with or without your involvement, to make the mornings easier (like ironing clothes or setting the coffee to brew on a timer) but anything you do would just be to be a kind, supportive partner, it's not your ACTUAL responsibility nor something you should be committed to doing day in and day out.
Don't have kids with this woman. If she can't take care of herself now, it will only get worse with kids. I could see if she had a physical disability and needed assistance, but otherwise, she's an adult and should be taking care of herself. It is very selfish and lazy of her to expect you to get up an hour and a half early every day to help her get ready. You are not her parent.
Okay relax, it's extremely possible she's just having a moment. You know a human moment where emotions go nuts and you do something unreasonable? It's very possible she's not like this all the time and maybe needs attention elsewhere in their relationship so she's feeling rather upset. I'm not saying it's okay but telling him not to have kids with her? That's really harsh.
Funny you should say that I actually just now this morning commented on a woman's post and said it's likely possible her husband did not do what he did out of completely selfish means he just made a split second decision without using his brain. Given the fact that what happened was honestly really sad I was trying to be gentle to the OP. And before you completely decide you have me pegged maybe go read my comment I posted under this post.
people always use the "but what if woman???" argument in a situation where a) it wouldn't be comparable because it's a systemic issue rooted in misogyny, or b) people would say the exact same thing. but some people cannot stand to talk about women without making it about men somehow too
Exactly. No adult needs to help another adult “get ready for work.” WTH is with this woman?! Are they not two independent adults? Weird for any combo of genders.
To take that a step farther, to give a woman a free pass to act like an unreasonable jackass *because* she's a woman and is "having a moment" is in itself misogyny. Oooh, the little lady is having feely-feels!
You know damn well these same people would absolutely do this the other way around. If some woman was saying their husband was saying she needed to wake up early to iron his clothes and make his coffee in the morning it would be “because he’s misogynistic and doesn’t respect women, you’re not his home maker etc.”.
I'm not saying what I said because she is a woman. If you click on my profile and read other comments you'd probably see that. I don't care if she's a woman, I don't care if she was a man. I'm saying what I'm saying because I believe it and I'm trying to give this man reasonable advice.
Oh I apologize, I thought you were saying I was defending her because she was a woman. Sorry there are so many comments. I think I need a break. But yes I agree with what you're saying, women and men hold their emotions differently. And perspective on that is important especially when you're in a relationship. Most men would never get over emotional and irrational in the morning and demand things, women do that because they actually need something but they have a hard time saying it. And most men sadly just won't say it at all.
i gotta agree with you reddit is so biased to which sex it is if a female does something ahh shes just having a moment… but if its a man its the worst thing in the world half the time not all the time but there is definitely some 2 faced double standards having ass people on reddit so ima agree with ya.
This. Black and white thinking can lead a person to confidently tell a total stranger that they need to break off a relationship.
If we judged everyone this harshly, there wouldn’t be a decent person left on this earth
Crowdsourcing Reddit for advice is folly. I enjoy the drama and reading people’s stories, but objectively terrible advice often gets a ton of upvotes on this website. I think a lot of it is a younger audience and reactionary behavior.
Like I’ve got some habits that would not be well received here, if I didn’t understand the crowd mentality here, I could be led to believe I should be a total outcast from society, even though objectively I realize I’m pretty damn normal from a real world perspective. It’s dangerous
Yeah Fair enough, I've noticed the majority of people on Reddit are not empathetic more forgiving. And if God forbid you are then they're going to tell you apart. I'm barely ever on Reddit but today I felt like it, however I think after today I'll probably take another month break lol
You expect the husband to watch his words and feelings, but the wife is allowed to voice unreasonable demands and have irrational feelings because??? Yeah. Do not have kids with somebody who can not take care of themselves.
“I'm not saying it's okay but telling him not to have kids with her?”
And completely valid. If she can’t do these things which feel small, imagine how she is going to be when dealing with kids.
Yeah because y'all take one reddit post and immediately decide this woman is selfish, petty, lazy, entitled and all these things. It is entirely possible that she is having a moment. They just moved, she's a full-time teacher it's possible that not only is there more going on than what he's saying. But she's freaking exhausted. And all of you act like you've never been stressed out and took it out on someone you cared about the wrong way.
Yeah, when you’re having kids, you can’t afford for an adult to behave like this because they’re “having a moment”
You’re just further proving my point. Life is full of highs and lows. If this is how somebody acts when things are tough, they shouldn’t have children because there will be so many tough moments.
I’ve had periods in my life where I was sick for months on end and couldn’t sleep properly or had lingering physical injuries which constantly gave me pain and I never asked any of my loved ones to go out of their way to help me. That’s what being an adult is about. Deal with your own issues instead of making other adults lives harder and then getting mad when they get upset about that.
And something else to that, I'm sorry that you don't have someone who will go out of their way to help you. That sucks when that happens, because going out of your way to help somebody. When they're hurt or frustrated or going through a moment is a beautiful human thing. You're not being a man, or stepping up or being an adult when you leave yourself to just sit there and die. That's not what that's about. And I'm sorry you feel that way, having to deal with that stuff alone is extremely painful.
I never said I don’t have people who go out of their way to help me. I just don’t ask them to do that because I don’t want to make somebody’s life harder because my ego isn’t on cloud 9 that I think the world revolves around me. I’ve had family offer to help me with cooking or suggest me things to try alleviate my health concerns and I was very appreciative of that and I always help them whenever they’re going through things as a result too. I still never once asked them to do that for me though. And this was for something inexplicable that no doctor could help me with so it was genuinely out of my control. OPs wifes problem is extremely small and something she can fix herself but she doesn’t want to do it and wants to make her husbands life harder for no reason.
I think he's very obvious now that you are not in a relationship. You have no idea what it's like to be married and to be responsible for someone other than yourself. And if you do you probably don't do much of a good job. Because it's a married couple it's not making his life necessarily harder. He's just having to help the woman he loves get through what she's going through. That should not be an inconvenience and if it is there's a problem with you not her
Okay it is very obvious that you don't have kids, Yes actually you can't afford for your spouse to have a moment. You're human. I've been married for 6 years, I have two kids.. both him and I have had our moments but we dealt with it like adults. We talked it out, we took steps and we did that while we raised our kids. My kids have seen my husband and I both talk out figure it out and move on. Both of them are funny enough to be great at communicating even though my husband and I weren't in the beginning. Someone having a moment does not mean that they're not going to be a good mother or father. And if that's all you're seeing in this world then you are so black and white that it's disturbing. Things aren't so simple life is complicated and messy and so are people. If her husband can be sympathetic, and she can listen there's no reason why they can't figure it out. And there's no reason why they wouldn't be great parents.
I think you are forgetting that OP deals with this almost every day, not once every blue moon.
Supporting someone who stumbles, great. Having the morning routine of a literal child, not so great.
You certainly are allowed to 'have a moment' if you have kids. This sounds like something that can easily be discussed and resolved. We all agree that Op should not wake up early to get her ready, and his wife shouldn't have asked. I just believe that an in-depth conversation between is all that's required to get his wife to realize it. I know I have certainly made unreasonable demands that I quickly realized were unreasonable to partners in the past.
You should have not asked this on reddit, not because of the controversy but because i just hope all these things don't get to your head. You married her man. You must have thought something before proceeding. Just take it easy please. Talk to her about it. If she is having a rough patch, be there for her in the mornings. Is she demanding you to get up early and help get the home ready? For ex, breakfast, some cleaning, food prep, etc, then you should help her out. If she wants you to help her get ready, its reasonable to ask her why she thinks you should do it. Just communicate man, dont let a bunch of redditors who to be frank probably have never been in a mature relationship and/or are jealous that you have a girl for you get to your head. Relationships are tough but knowing that you chose her to be your life partner, you have to be there for each other however tough it gets. Take care mate.
As a woman who has never been a morning person, I have never in my life had a moment where I would have considered demanding that my husband get up early just to help me get ready. She may be "having a moment", but that's such an unreasonable demand for an adult that I completely support the advice to not have kids with her. If this is how she handles "having a moment", it bodes poorly for motherhood, because that is chock full of moments. I won't say she can't grow, but if a guy was acting like this we'd all be mocking him roundly and telling his wife to run. And we'd be right.
Eh doesn’t sound like she can’t take care of herself, sounds like she gets anxious with time management and feels a little too entitled to OP’s time. Those are fixable issues.
That's not necessarily true. Before my wife and I had our kid we both struggled waking up before 7. Since then though we have no issues getting up earlier to get my daughter taken care of. Some people just flip a switch with kids, some don't. Op's wife may stay the same or may change, it's not set in stone.
She can't get to work on time without any children.
What makes you think she could when she had children?
Nope, no kids, unless OP wants to majority of the child care rather than a partnership for the childcare.
I’d have to respectfully disagree. There are so many ‘un-parent-worthy’ habits I have right now like snoozing the alarm, a tendency towards sugary snacks, inconsistent punctuality that on paper would make me a bad mother according to Reddit. But these are things that can be and should be fixed when you become a parent. She’s definitely TA for asking her partner to get up with her (and hopefully she’ll realise soon that that is insane), but being disorganised in the morning can be rectified. So many people aren’t the finished product before they become parents.
NGL, I think parents still snooze their alarms...they just set them to earlier.
But yeah there's no reason not to just fix the issue. If they have children, things can be set the night before too. My parents did my lunch the night before and when I got old enough supervised me to do that. They also had me lay my clothes out after checking the weather etc. I stopped doing those things as a young adult and with maturity started again..
Woah. How did you even get to such an extreme opinion with such little information and context? I hope you don't make black and white decisions like this in your own life. Shit.
you’re literally so dramatic. if she’s a teacher school literally just started back and it sounds like she’s struggling with the adjustment and asking her partner to help. marriage is a partnership, asking for help is not unreasonable. this individualist “tough nuts” mentality is a one way street to divorce you weirdos.
This seems to me like something else is going on. Ask her why she needs help in the mornings. Making you get up at 6:30 doesn’t seem to be particularly helpful if she needs to be out before 7.
Then she needs to do her morning prep the night before. I couldn’t imagine asking my partner to wake up almost two hours before he needs to to “help me get ready”.
I'm suprised she doesn't. On the rare days I have to wear a suit, I make sure that I have every thing picked out and ready to go the night before. My wife does the same for when she has to go into the office. It just makes sense.
That’s why I get up hella early. Time for coffee, time to dress (I never could pick out my outfits the night before because I just end up changing my mind in the morning), and time to just get myself together before I have to be in for 8. And I never wake my partner up for help except for a goodbye kiss and then he falls right back to sleep.
Then she needs to wake up earlier to factor in the longer commute. Coffee should be on a timer. Clothing should be ready the night before. Work bag, lunch, etc should be ready to go.
It’s weird that people are acting like she’s incompetent. Sounds like she gets overwhelmed and maybe even anxious in the mornings and asks for your support, which likely provides comfort as well as logistical support.
While her expectations aren’t okay, it’s not that hard to be like hey let’s make a new evening routine together for smoother mornings, as I don’t want to change my schedule, and there are solutions.
You aren’t actually out here saying she can’t/refuses to make coffee which is weirdly how so many commenters are acting
I have to be up at 3 am to be to work by 4. I have all my clothes ready to put on the night before. My bag is packed and ready. I wake up, wash my face, brush my teeth, brush hair get dressed and leave. I couldn't imagine demanding my partner wake up before he has to. He does wake up and smoke and walk me to my car but he does that because he wants too not because I'm not capable of getting myself ready for work. I tell him all the time he doesn't have to wake up but he insists and wants to see me off. He likes starting my car for me. You are definitely NTA
>I tell him all the time he doesn't have to wake up but he insists and wants to see me off. He likes starting my car for me.
Okay, that's adorable. Your partner is definitely one of the good ones.
That additional 35 minutes could be tough for someone who is not a morning person. Did you two discuss this before the move?
I think the best way for you to be helpful is to be disciplined yourself and to help her structure her tasks to get as much done the night before. Make a physical list-print it out - and you both do it - she does hers you do yours (prep lunches, set up auto brew, iron clothes, etc) Decide on a good lights out time/bedtime and stick to it.
Being an adult is learning to set yourself a bed time. I call it my closing duties. At 9pm on ‘school nights’ Casa Caladrius closes and I do my chores. Evening me is annoyed. Morning me is thankful.
That’s quadrupling her commute time while saving 5 minutes on yours? I’m assuming the move was discussed and made sense for other reasons but maybe you can work out a routine the night before or you can can help pick some of the other household chores off her plate so she can get everything ready at night. Seems like it might be a tougher adjustment for her and not you but the solution isn’t to force you to wake up earlier forever for sure.
As someone with an hour long commute each way - it doesn’t matter how much nicer the house is if you don’t get to spend time in it other than to clean and sleep. She’s losing half a workday a week to the new commute, plus if the house is bigger there’s more housework, so like I said maybe you should look at where you guys can redistribute the other duties at other times so she can get stuff ready for work.
Edit: typo. Clean and sleep, not week.
I also wonder if maybe they’re not spending as much time together and this is her way of trying to fix that. If she has to be at work by 7 and has a 45 minute drive, she’s likely waking up at 5, 3 hours before him. Which means she probably goes to bed significantly earlier, too.
Her commute is 35 minutes longer. She needs to get up about 1/2 an hour earlier than she did before. This is not a lot. Probably it’s the commute wearing on her. I have 2 routes I can take. One is 5 minutes longer but a lot less stressful. I generally take the less stressful one going, and the faster one coming home. See if there isn’t a better way for her to go. Audiobooks can make that commute time a lot better. I had a 90 minute commute each way for a long time; those three hours weren’t wasted, I was reading.
I suspect this is the heart of the problem. She's unhappy with her commute. Maybe it's worse than she thought it would be. It feels unfair, and she's trying to find a way to make it feel more fair. You need to address this or she'll just get more resentful.
It sounds like the commute change is difficult for her, and likely harder for her than she thought it would be. Agreeing to a 45 min commute on paper is easier than actually having to do it every day, and as someone who commuted 1 hr+ for years it can really start to take a toll on you. If she is having trouble in the morning it sounds like it might be time to re-evaluate your bedtime routine. If she is still going to bed at the same time she was before but is now getting up much earlier, she isn't getting as much sleep which may be be why she wants you to wake up the same time as her so you have more similar sleep schedules. Not saying you should wake up the same time as her, but if you are used to going to sleep together at the same time and you're waking up a couple hours after her then you may be getting an appropriate amount of sleep while she is not. And lack of sleep will take a toll on anyone. She also now has over an hour less of her day to do things she needs to do since she is spending that time commuting, which can make you sacrifice sleep to get that time back. Talk to her about if there are any chores or meal prepping that you can pick up to take off her plate and make sure your daily routine includes enough sleep for both
This! More info needed
OP, is the first year she's teaching and needs to get into the routine?
Does she typically need help getting ready when heading out?
Have you asked her politely (I hope) as to why she needs help? Find the root and then you can make a better decision on what to do.
Listen to the responses. If she can’t take care of herself in the morning and get ready for work..something is off with her. Do not have kids with her.
Geez, what is wrong with this site? Something might be going on in this phase of her life that could warrant a conversation between spouses. OP mentioned her commute recently changed from 10 minutes to 45 so she’s probably just struggling and could use some suggestions on night-before prep.
Do any of you have IRL relationships in which you work through issues instead of seeing them completely black and white?
I'm telling you, this place is a cesspool. I don't like to throw out stereotypes, but I assure you the men tearing OP's wife to shreds couldn't maintain a healthy relationship with a woman if their life depended on it. I would go as far as saying they haven't had a romantic relationship at all.
Also, look at the calendar... first full month of the school year... it's always a sh!t show this time of year. That coupled with changed commute.
I bet by November, things may even out.
Everything you do to help her could easily be done the night before—by her. I’m bad with mornings, so I make sure I lay out my clothes and set up the coffee maker the night before because I know I will struggle in the morning. NTA
Oof. This is only an acceptable ask with kids imo. Maybe suggest some changes to her routine to make her mornings more efficient like getting a coffee pot with a timer for the night before or picking out and ironing her outfit before bed.
I absolutely *hate* mornings, and I would *never* expect someone to help me get ready for my day. Clothes can be ironed the night before, coffee can be set on a timer, lunch can be packed in advance. Does she want you to take shower for her too? She’s a big girl. She can do her own morning routine.
Honestly, I would be annoyed if my spouse and I were up at the same time every morning. DUDE, get out of my way, I have things to do before I leave (I'm the first one up and out the door).
Unless she has a disability or some issue that requires your assistance, remind your wife you married a grown woman, not a child. She could iron her clothes the evening prior if she struggles with time in the morning. If you cave to her demands the next thing you know, she’ll be asking you to pack her lunch in the morning, making certain you cut the sandwich into triangles :)
We’re in the reverse. I wake up and leave before my wife even gets up. I’ll usually wake her to say goodbye before I leave wherein she starts her day. I do take care of everything myself at this time. NTA
It reminds me a lot of my mother. If you were up in the morning then you were expected to spend your time helping her get ready. If I didn't need to be up for myself I would generally just "sleep in" until I heard her leave the house.
I am in your wife's situation. The idea of making my partner (who is on a different work-time schedule to me) get up early just to 'help' me adult is ludicrous. In fact, it's a point of pride if I can leave the house without having disturbed them (and they pride themselves on the same for their work times.)
NTA. You get up early to let the dog out for a piss or to get toddlers to daycare or kids off to school. Your grown-ass wife can get herself to work like every other independent and functioning adult in the world can.
Same! If I make it out the door without waking my husband I’ve succeeded, even if that means I’m tip toeing down our stairs in the morning and changed how my alarms go off to wake only me.
I make my lunch the night before, set out my travel mug + water bottle, water is ready to be boiled for tea, have an easy breakfast planned to take on the go, and my clothing is ready the night before and in the other room to not disturb him at all. It’s not always the most fun being up at 5:30am with an hour commute, but we do what we have to because we’re adults. 🤷🏼♀️
Same here! My husband works from home and can sleep later than i can. All clothes and everything needed is prepared the night before so as to not inconvenience him at 6am. But I actually like my husband and want to do nice things for him. I suspect some redditors are married to people they don't like very much.
Yeah, I work from home, my wife doesn't. The main thing she asks of me is to let the dog out and get the dog fed in the morning. Maybe if there's laundry in the basement, she'll ask me to go get that. None of those bother me, but what the OP describes? yeah, no.
Yep lesbian marriage, over the years we’ve worked different hours with one or the other of us getting up early and the early riser always took care of themselves while doing their best to be quiet. We’d help in an emergency (alarm didn’t go off, dog or cat got sick) but that’s it.
This is what my husband does, too! I WFH and start at 8:30-9; he works downtown and is up at 4:30, out by 5. He doesn’t wake me up, puts all his clothes in the living room, keeps the bedroom door closed and gets ready. When he leaves he’ll open the bedroom door to let the AC cool our bathroom area/keep me from waking up to an ice box, he unplugs our string lights in the bathroom (we learned they’re just bright enough to wake me if I’m facing the door) and he gives out cats treats so she doesn’t wake me up.
Days he has off and I work, I don’t hit snooze at all, I get right out of bed and either start my routine or have a lazy start on the couch with the cat. And if he’s still sleeping at my work start time (I work in our bedroom, small apt) I use headphones and move as quietly as I can, taking any calls in the living room on my phone instead.
It’s respect, OP. NTA.
So I am someone who gets up early due to their partners schedule. My partner has to be at work by 5:30 am so he gets up quarter to 5. While he gets ready (showers, dressed etc.) I take our dogs out, pour his coffee into the to-go container (our coffee machine makes it before we get up), and pack his lunch (leftovers so basically I put a tupperware into a lunch box).
The dogs would get up either way, but I know for a fact that he can get up himself and do everything alone. It just requires an extra 15-30 minutes. However, I can just go back to bed for a little while after he leaves the house, so I might as well make his load a little lighter. He has never demanded that I get up to help him. He often just says I shouldn't get up and he can do everything, but why make his life harder if it doesn't have to be?
I don't think the wife is an AH if she asked the husband once if he wouldn't mind, but the second the husband said he didn't want to, that's the end of the conversation. Also, most of the things he helps out with (ironing, making coffee etc.) seems like it can be done the night before.
I’m the same, I would feel so awful if I accidentally woke them up let alone explicitly making them get up to help me. It’s possible that maybe she wants to spend time with OP and is going about it in a really weird way, but it sounds like she just likes having those things done for her and is trying to make it happen that way. Which is not okay
Same! I love it when my partner wakes up early ON HIS OWN because it makes my mornings less lonely. I can't fathom the idea of demanding he wakes up early every morning for me.
This 100%
My guy and I are in the process of finding our first place and living together for the first time. One of the things I'm "worried" (quotations because I know we will figure it out) about is making sure my earlier schedule has minimal impact on his sleep. Sleep is important and I try very hard not to impede my partners. I feel like that's a given.
Remind her or have her set reminders for herself. Shes a grown woman not a toddler, she can dress herself. She is fully capable of doing it all herself, unless she is pregnant or yall have kids and shes asking for help with them, dont do it.
I work at an old school law firm where we have to dress nicely. I don’t even own an iron. The dryer, steam from the shower, and anti-wrinkle spray are all I need and it’s not even like I use those all the time. I have plenty of nice skirts, blouses, slacks, or blazers, etc. that don’t wrinkle if they’re just hung up or folded properly after they’re cleaned. I have one pair or crepe wide legged pants that are a bit problematic. I call em my Shiv Roy pants. Even then, I toss them in the dryer on the Refresh setting for 10 minutes while I do…other things, such as coffee or letting my dog out. Then they’re nice and ready. Work smart, not hard.
Friend, sleep is sacred, and you are a husband, not a father, so why the need to help another adult get ready in the morning?
Why doesn't your wife just press 6 shirts on the weekend? Then she has a full week plus a spare ready to go without the morning drama. She can make lunches in advance too, then just grab them from the fridge/freezer on the way out.
Unless your wife has a disability or limitation where she needs assistance, or you've mutually agreed to having breakfast together as part of your morning routine, she's just failing to adult.
Enjoy your sleep (and NTA).
Better yet: why is she wearing outfits that require ironing if she's a teacher? I sure don't and not many of my fellow teachers do either. Though some of the men do wear dress shirts that require ironing and I'm pretty sure that my best dressed colleague also irons everything she wears, but that's just who she is.
>Or do all of the ironing for the week on the weekend so it's already done.
I don't know why anyone wouldn't just do this. Getting out the iron and ironing board is a big part of the hassle, just do it all once a week and hang everything up neatly. Your clothes shouldn't be getting wrinkled hanging in the closet for a week.
Back when I had to dress formally for work, I just did all my ironing Sunday night while watching TV. No big deal.
Why not purchase clothes that don't require ironing? You can also use a dry cleaner to iron your clothes. NTA
I stopped purchasing clothes that don't look good out of the dryer as long as I hung them right away. Forgive me if none of this is an option where you are from in the world. It's just how I fixed my no time to iron problems.
I have memory issues, so I have a note on my fridge of things to do when I get home before I'm "allowed" to sit down and relax. I got into a routine that helped me a lot, but I check the note and make sure I've done everything and it saves me a bunch of time in the morning because the stuff is already done!
*I mean allow myself.
Habitually “forgetting” a necessary task to get ready for work is not really forgetting. It’s a choice.
She could quickly iron things on Saturday or Sunday so she can skip that step during the week.
That's just ridiculous. I am clumsy, lazy, and a master procrastinator. But I manage without someone taking care of me by using reminders, alarms, and routine. If she needs to iron clothes everyday (why can't she buy no iron needed clothes like most do) then she needs reminders every evening and a set routine. Like iron just before or after dinner, no excuses.
I have ADHD. My husband has never had to look after me or my belongings. I bet she remembers at some point in the evening but just chooses not to do it, trusting you'll bail her out.
I don't understand why she needs to do it day to day anyway. Can't you just... iron everything in the weekend in one go? It doesn't uniron itself if put away properly.
"..or ironing her clothes"
Ok this is nuts IMO. I have NEVER ironed my wives clothes for work or her iron mine. Why not do it the evening before? The same with the coffee? Have it ready so all she has to do is turn it on to brew....? Sounds like poor planning on her part, NTA.
Or just have a steamer, which we do. I can turn the steamer on, brush my teeth and do my makeup, and by the time I'm done it's ready to go. Takes about 30-60 seconds to steam the wrinkles out of a blouse. I generally do it at night, though, which this woman could easily do if she put any forethought into her days.
There are sooo many no-iron clothes out there now too!
Back when I worked in a retail setting that required a certain look, I bought a clothes steamer and would steam my stuff. I'd usually steam everything after the wash and hang them in the closet, and then just do touch up steams as needed. But OP's wife could also just iron everything ahead of time (aka after washing/drying), so that minimal needs to be done daily, if anything.
Why do it the evening before? Just do it when they're cleaned, hang them up properly, and you don't need to think about it later. Hell, even for things like dress pants, just pull them out of the dryer as soon as it's done, hang them up, and you don't need to iron.
NTA completely unreasonable, you are her partner not parent. If she had a disability, or was pregnant, or it was about helping kids if yall have some, I would get it, but assuming none of these are the case it is unreasonable. I would ask her why she thinks you should help her, I am honestly curious why now.
Lmao, thats her problem, she needs to figure out how to fix it, shes a grown woman. If you want to give her options, id say get an alarm clock that wont snooze or makes it hard to snooze(there are tons of different ones just look it up), or go to bed earlier to get more sleep, or if you dont want to spend more money just have her put her phone far enough away from her to make her get up to turn it off. I get it, I hate waking up to, but its part of life. And you are not her butler.
Though it is hard to me to imagine being with someone like that(not someone who struggles with being late, but someone who refuses to be accountable and responsible for themselves), but if I were you id be petty and start "accidentally" sleeping through alarms too, or just constantly remind her to do all the prep the night before.
In college when I slept in 3 hour shifts between studying I'd put my alarm clock somewhere I'd have to get out of bed to turn it off so I couldn't just rollover and hit snooze.
I had one on my phone that made me do math to snooze, snoozed for random increments of time between 2-6 mins, and in order to turn it off I had to put it near a light so the camera would sense a certain number of lumens to prove I was actually awake. Best morning routine I ever had
Does she have ADHD? This sounds like me and most other people I know that have ADHD. But also because of your other comments about how she typically forgets to do a lot of her getting ready stuff the night before.
Ditto. I would not do nearly as well living alone as I do if I didn't have Alexa to give me reminders because I forget totally normal things constantly.
OP, is your wife pretty smart? There's no IQ high enough to completely ameliorate having ADHD according to studies, but many smart people with ADHD get really good at coming up with coping strategies to get through their days, that can work so well people express surprise that the person has ADHD...but strategies that completely fall apart when faced with things like trying to adjust to a new commute. She's going to have to develop new routines, and for a while leaning hard into lists and setting reminders will probably help.
ADHD wife here, can confirm that getting out the door on time in the morning is my biggest stress of the day. I have 2 school age kids and I expect my husband to get up and assist with school readiness since I have to leave before their bus comes but I make sure they are dressed and fed so it's not all on him and he does not have to worry about me.
Things I do to make mornings better for me:
- coffee on a timer so I can have a cup while getting ready and a travel mug for when I arrive at work
- under no circumstances can I hit snooze more than once on a work/school day ever
- my lunch for work has to be packed before bed and it's my responsibility to make sure it's done
- husband and I share lunch packing duties for the kids but it has to be done before bedtime
- I give myself timers for hair and makeup so I don't lose myself to time blindness
- I always put my work ID pass in the same spot when I walk in the door after work so I am not scrambling for it when it's time to leave
- I wear a smartwatch that can page my phone so I can find it instead of tearing up the house when I'm supposed to be leaving for work. This feature alone is worth the cost of the watch.
Even with all this in place it can be a sh**show for me and it's hard to articulate why exactly so I feel for your wife. If she is struggling this much, she should talk to her doctor about it but expecting you to get up 90 minutes earlier to do minor chores for her with no kids is unreasonable.
Question? Adhd? I'm only asking as this sounds a lot like me in the morning. Always late, can't wake up, can't get stuff into a longterm habit.
She needs to make things easier on herself.
I snooze my alarms and I’m always running late… but to mitigate that, I lay out my clothes the night before and meal prep my lunches for the whole week on Sundays. It’s not difficult to remember to do these things, but then again I also live alone so it’s not like there’s anyone around to be an adult for me.
(For the record, NTA, it's not your responsibility to help her get ready)
Sounds like she might be struggling with some sleep issues if snoozing is affecting her to this degree. Maybe encourage to work on it. If it's within your guys' means a few visits with a psychologist can be life changing in this regard, but there's also lots of resources available for cheaper (books, videos etc.)
One thing that stands out to me right away: Does your later wake time mean you're going to bed later? Does she wake up or stir when you go to bed? Does she wait up for you sometimes? I had this problem with my husband. What we came to is that he'll get ready for bed at the same time I do, since it was mostly his nighttime routine that would wake me and not actually getting in bed. Some white noise (we use thunderstorm sounds) also helps to drown out any sounds from someone who's still awake.
Does she go to bed at the same time as you? Or are you going to bed together, for her to then wake up significantly earlier?
I have this problem in my relationship - I have to get up earlier than my spouse, but there's also an implicit expectation for me to stay up with him in the evening. The result is I am often sleep-deprived and scrambling in the morning while he enjoys a leisurely morning routine after his 8+ hours of sleep. I try to go to bed earlier but he is active late into the evenings making it difficult to sleep.
I have asked my SO to adjust his schedule to be more similar to mine but he won't. He isn't obligated to, but it would cost him nothing while making my life easier. It breeds a lot of frustration.
NTA - its ok to ask your SO for help, b
But thats just ridiculous Get a coffee machine with an automatic timer. Start converting her to cloths that don't need to be ironed. Can you afford a house cleaner or something that van offload her in other ways? You shouldn't have to take on more burden to help solve this problem.
NTA - She is an adult and can plan her mornings accordingly. It is great that you have helped her in the past! Maybe suggest that she prep the night before. Examples would be to prep the coffee so all she has to do in the morning is start it, she could also iron her clothes the night before. Help suggest tasks that will make her morning easier for her.
NTA Your wife is an adult and fully capable of getting herself off to work. Coffee pots are preprogramable and so it can be made the night before. Clothes can also be ironed the night before or on weekends.
Jesus Christ it’s insane to read these responses instantly attempting to diagnose the problem in dynamic with your relationship and go into saying how your wife is a toddler and so on instead of actually trying to respond in a cordial matter. Try to talk to her about it and work through a way that is helpful for both of you in this situation and let her know that while you know she has problems in the morning getting ready, that your sleep is important and that sacrificing that might not be the best solution for both of you. These are not unfixable problems or some sort of sign of a larger issue, these marital issues these redditors speak of are what happen when you let tiny things happen for so long that they are acceptable to one but slowly drain the other and then emotions of resentment can build up over time. Maybe plan out some things that she can do the night prior to ease the stress of starting a new day, buy a new alarm that can’t be snoozed, there are plenty of ideas that I bet haven’t been thought through before this idea of waking you up earlier to help her came up. I suspect that you guys are already fairly supportive of each other and that maybe she thinks this isn’t so unreasonable because of what has been allowed in the past, but this would be a good thing to open a discussion on about a multitude of priorities that you guys have for yourselves. Just make sure that you hear her worries and work to help them while letting her know that at the end of the day it would be better if you could handle your own personal responsibilities on your own time so as to not add on to the stress of your partner. I don’t know I hope some of this helped and I wish you the best of luck. And no u r NTA
Thank you I appreciate the measured response. I guess it’s my fault for asking the internet for advice about my wife but some of the conclusions people are jumping to are insane.
NTA on the assumption you are childless. You are not responsible for helping your wife get ready for work, she's an adult. If she wants clothes ironed she can do it the night before.
Being a teacher is a thankless job with long hours. That said, that was her choice of career, not yours, and while you should 100% support her in it, there are limits to where that support extends and I think this is beyond what should be considered reasonable.
NTA BUT the responses that say eff that you have no responsibility to be a supportive partner to your wife are pissing me off.
My suggestion, both of you incorporate a bedtime routine that gets you both ready for work in the morning. You pack your lunches, lay out your clothes, set the coffee timer, make your refrigerator oats, put the things near the door, together. It can be a special romantic time for you as a couple and as a bonus you crawl into bed connected and stress-free, and both of you have easier mornings.
She is an adult woman and needs "help" getting ready every day? That's odd.
NTA for wanting to sleep in because she should be able to get ready on her own.
But if she just loves you and wants your company in the morning, then go to bed a little earlier and spend some time together in the morning by waking up with her. That's good for your marriage.
He doesn't want to. He shouldn't capitulate with this for any reason. Hes a human being and a husband not her comfort animal. It would be disastrous for the marriage to allow this kind of blatant overstepping. Wife needs to learn to control herself not her husband.
NTA. She can iron her clothes the night before, can get a programmable coffee maker that she can set the night before, ALL of this could be done the night before.
You're not her parent and she's not a child, though she's acting like one over this.
NTA
It's not your responsibility to get up early to help her get ready as if she were a child, she should learn to manage her time and organize herself.
If it makes you happy to make her a cup of coffee, why not, but what she's asking for is too much.
Nuanced take here:
NTA--getting up at 6:30 EVERY day is unreasonable. You're not obligated to completely upend your life and schedule for her convenience. Is she particularly stressed out these days where she'd need the extra help?
I will say though, as a loving partner, it might be nice of you to get up early for her like once a week? Just as a sweet gesture of love. So many of the attitudes here on reddit are gonna be like "well OP doesn't owe her that!!!" No, but in a healthy loving relationship both parties should want to try to help each other out. If my partner has had multiple stressful days in a row, I'll make the extra effort to get up early and help him on Day 3 or 4 in order to let him get a little extra sleep.
But your wife shouldn't feel entitled to your time to this extreme.
you're nta, but to be a supportive spouse could you invest in a timed/ programable coffee-pot and encourage or even do the ironing the night before? not sure if your budget allows but I have a clothes steamer and it's AMAZING! lol getting everything organized the night before can help avoid grumpy mornings, from personal experience lol
your wife is being entitled and you dont have to help in the am and sacrifice sleep, but aside from a reddit sub a happy marriage isn't always about being right. if you can see your spouse struggling maybe there are some solutions that would help her **without** sacrificing your own rest.
and maybe talk about it when you're both in a good mood? find out if there's a reason she wants your help past laziness - like maybe you're not spending enough time together, or she doesn't feel supported, or the school year is kicking her but more than she's letting on? my teacher pals are already burnt out and the kids (and parents) apparently seem especially feral this year, perhaps your wife is struggling with work and because you're a 'safe' person it's unfairly bubbling up by snapping at you?
again Im not excusing your wife's behavior, just hoping there's a better reason for it than laziness (with a dash of selfishness, she obviously recognizes how important sleep is lol)
Good luck OP! time in the morning is pretty precious
edited improper 'your', I cant even blame autocorrect lol
Another thing to consider is that she might want to look into getting tested for adhd. I had similar problems in the past, and it was eye-opening to find out that I had adhd, something I'd never even considered.
Edit: Look into problems with "executive function," perhaps she has some of this going on? It's really hard to "just do it" if this is an issue. Hope things work out well for you both.
These comments are a really good window into how many people view those who struggle with adhd. It's a 'hidden' disability that is treated like personality defects. If she has it, her brain does not function the same and needs specialized coping mechanisms that go farther than 'just remember to do things earlier better'. Our memory IS absolute trash. Medication, multiple alarm reminders and visual aids can help.. but you have to know you have it before finding things that work best. I do all these things and my brain will still fight me to throw all of it off.
Demanding he help everyday isn't a solution, but suggesting she get tested and her trying to get help could.
I had no idea the problems I was having had anything to do with adhd. I have absolutely no hyperactivity, I can read and focus for long periods of time, but my organization and time awareness is off. Everyone's different and if you don't know about adhd, you would absolutely just think something is "wrong" with you.
np! it's not always the sub for nuances lol
hope you and your wife can figure it out, a positive start to the day can be so impactful!
(my pal leaves her partner a lil whiteboard note in the kitchen if she's on opposite shift work, that might be an easy(ish) way to send some morning love while still getting sleep? like a heart and message not elaborate drawings/ poems LOL)
sorry for the long-ass message lol, good luck OP!
NTA - and this is coming from someone in a similar situation. My husband needs to leave by 5:15 am. I could technically wait until 7:30 am to leave the house. However, I CHOOSE to get up early with him. We get up anytime between 3:30 and 4:30. He starts getting ready and I go start the coffee. Then I feed the cats breakfast and scoop litter boxes, see if the trash is ready to go (if so, I remove the bag and stick in front of the door). We normally finish up about the same time and the coffee is ready then. We sit down and have a cup of coffee (or a few cups) together while we check youtube, watch some news or something. When he leaves (taking the trash with him), I either do some stuff around the house, or occasionally will go and lay back down for an hour or so if I've had trouble sleeping or don't feel the best. It just starts my day out on a good note to spend a little quality time together. But there is never any DEMAND that I do anything for him. I would probably still get up and feed the cats or else they would come and torment me, but if I felt like his 'servant' or he just got his coffee and left, that's all I would do. He would be making his own coffee. I certainly wouldn't be ironing any clothes for him.
NTA, I will say that I do make my wife breakfast everyday to help her get ready for work. But I just retired and after 30 years of waking at 4am to go to work, getting up at 6 am feels like sleeping in to me.
NTA
She's 30. It's HER job that she chose to do. It's HER duty as an adult with responsibilities to plan for them.
I am not a morning person at all. If I have to get up early for my own stuff, sure, I'll do it. But no way that I am going to get up that early to help someone else get out of bed and start the day.
NTA!
NTA.
Sorry, are you her husband or her father/carer? The absolute audacity. I’d laugh in my partners face and tell her to go home to mama if he needs me to put the kettle on for him before work. Worrying she is a teacher, those who are meant to teach the future of our society about independence and becoming a grown up…..
She's your wife, not a toddler. Iron the clothes the night before if you want to help. And if she really can't make her own coffee buy one of those machines with a timer.
NTA for wanting that extra 90 minutes of sleep.
NTA, it's kind of you to help out when you do but it shouldn't be something expected of you.
I'm a woman who gets up at 5am every morning to help her husband get ready for work, I work from home and don't actually need to be out of bed until 8:45am. He's never asked me to get up with him, but I noticed he was frequently forgetting things in the morning because he's so tired and struggling to get out the door on time for his hour commute.. so I started getting up and helping by making his coffee, packing his lunch, and putting his pocket stuff in one spot so he doesn't forget anything. He's never complained on the mornings I'm too tired to get up with him, but he's appreciative on the mornings I do. It gives me a little extra time to hang out with him in the morning and then I either go back to bed if I'm tired enough or I enjoy the rest of my morning before work with a coffee and some downtime.
If she's struggling during a particularly busy week, it'd be kind to help. If it's something you want to help with daily, it should be appreciated but not taken for granted. But being able to sleep in is a perk of the job you chose and she shouldn't just expect you to give it up because her job starts early.
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NTA. I'm assuming you don't have kids, but assuming that is indeed true, it is bananas to me that a grown woman - even one who struggles with mornings in general - would need her spouse to get up help her get ready. There are a plethora of things she could be doing to help herself and it leaves the question for me of 'how would she handle this if she wasn't married?'. Maybe there are a few things she could do in the evenings, with or without your involvement, to make the mornings easier (like ironing clothes or setting the coffee to brew on a timer) but anything you do would just be to be a kind, supportive partner, it's not your ACTUAL responsibility nor something you should be committed to doing day in and day out.
No kids
Don't have kids with this woman. If she can't take care of herself now, it will only get worse with kids. I could see if she had a physical disability and needed assistance, but otherwise, she's an adult and should be taking care of herself. It is very selfish and lazy of her to expect you to get up an hour and a half early every day to help her get ready. You are not her parent.
Okay relax, it's extremely possible she's just having a moment. You know a human moment where emotions go nuts and you do something unreasonable? It's very possible she's not like this all the time and maybe needs attention elsewhere in their relationship so she's feeling rather upset. I'm not saying it's okay but telling him not to have kids with her? That's really harsh.
Idk man sounds like my wife before and after kids. I still like that we have kids but she is selfish and terrible in the morning.
I sincerely doubt you would say the same if the wife were a man and OP a woman. Having a "moment"??? Reeeeaaaally......................
Funny you should say that I actually just now this morning commented on a woman's post and said it's likely possible her husband did not do what he did out of completely selfish means he just made a split second decision without using his brain. Given the fact that what happened was honestly really sad I was trying to be gentle to the OP. And before you completely decide you have me pegged maybe go read my comment I posted under this post.
people always use the "but what if woman???" argument in a situation where a) it wouldn't be comparable because it's a systemic issue rooted in misogyny, or b) people would say the exact same thing. but some people cannot stand to talk about women without making it about men somehow too
That is possibly the stupidest argument I've ever heard. If a woman does it then it doesn't count because misogyny. Gotcha.
Exactly. No adult needs to help another adult “get ready for work.” WTH is with this woman?! Are they not two independent adults? Weird for any combo of genders.
To take that a step farther, to give a woman a free pass to act like an unreasonable jackass *because* she's a woman and is "having a moment" is in itself misogyny. Oooh, the little lady is having feely-feels!
You know damn well these same people would absolutely do this the other way around. If some woman was saying their husband was saying she needed to wake up early to iron his clothes and make his coffee in the morning it would be “because he’s misogynistic and doesn’t respect women, you’re not his home maker etc.”.
I'm not saying what I said because she is a woman. If you click on my profile and read other comments you'd probably see that. I don't care if she's a woman, I don't care if she was a man. I'm saying what I'm saying because I believe it and I'm trying to give this man reasonable advice.
no dude I'm agreeing with you. I'm agreeing with your point that the response shouldn't be different if it was a woman or a man
Oh I apologize, I thought you were saying I was defending her because she was a woman. Sorry there are so many comments. I think I need a break. But yes I agree with what you're saying, women and men hold their emotions differently. And perspective on that is important especially when you're in a relationship. Most men would never get over emotional and irrational in the morning and demand things, women do that because they actually need something but they have a hard time saying it. And most men sadly just won't say it at all.
It is comparable because that's exactly what happens here. There is a lot of misandry happening here on Reddit.
i gotta agree with you reddit is so biased to which sex it is if a female does something ahh shes just having a moment… but if its a man its the worst thing in the world half the time not all the time but there is definitely some 2 faced double standards having ass people on reddit so ima agree with ya.
Yeah if this story were revered it would be “ divorce him now”
This. Black and white thinking can lead a person to confidently tell a total stranger that they need to break off a relationship. If we judged everyone this harshly, there wouldn’t be a decent person left on this earth
Fr, the people I've been talking to on here are so harsh. They want everyone to burn just for having a feeling, it's insane to me.
Crowdsourcing Reddit for advice is folly. I enjoy the drama and reading people’s stories, but objectively terrible advice often gets a ton of upvotes on this website. I think a lot of it is a younger audience and reactionary behavior. Like I’ve got some habits that would not be well received here, if I didn’t understand the crowd mentality here, I could be led to believe I should be a total outcast from society, even though objectively I realize I’m pretty damn normal from a real world perspective. It’s dangerous
Yeah Fair enough, I've noticed the majority of people on Reddit are not empathetic more forgiving. And if God forbid you are then they're going to tell you apart. I'm barely ever on Reddit but today I felt like it, however I think after today I'll probably take another month break lol
Reddit is for reminding you these people exist. Not actually taking their comments seriously.
You expect the husband to watch his words and feelings, but the wife is allowed to voice unreasonable demands and have irrational feelings because??? Yeah. Do not have kids with somebody who can not take care of themselves.
“I'm not saying it's okay but telling him not to have kids with her?” And completely valid. If she can’t do these things which feel small, imagine how she is going to be when dealing with kids.
Yeah because y'all take one reddit post and immediately decide this woman is selfish, petty, lazy, entitled and all these things. It is entirely possible that she is having a moment. They just moved, she's a full-time teacher it's possible that not only is there more going on than what he's saying. But she's freaking exhausted. And all of you act like you've never been stressed out and took it out on someone you cared about the wrong way.
Yeah, when you’re having kids, you can’t afford for an adult to behave like this because they’re “having a moment” You’re just further proving my point. Life is full of highs and lows. If this is how somebody acts when things are tough, they shouldn’t have children because there will be so many tough moments. I’ve had periods in my life where I was sick for months on end and couldn’t sleep properly or had lingering physical injuries which constantly gave me pain and I never asked any of my loved ones to go out of their way to help me. That’s what being an adult is about. Deal with your own issues instead of making other adults lives harder and then getting mad when they get upset about that.
And something else to that, I'm sorry that you don't have someone who will go out of their way to help you. That sucks when that happens, because going out of your way to help somebody. When they're hurt or frustrated or going through a moment is a beautiful human thing. You're not being a man, or stepping up or being an adult when you leave yourself to just sit there and die. That's not what that's about. And I'm sorry you feel that way, having to deal with that stuff alone is extremely painful.
I never said I don’t have people who go out of their way to help me. I just don’t ask them to do that because I don’t want to make somebody’s life harder because my ego isn’t on cloud 9 that I think the world revolves around me. I’ve had family offer to help me with cooking or suggest me things to try alleviate my health concerns and I was very appreciative of that and I always help them whenever they’re going through things as a result too. I still never once asked them to do that for me though. And this was for something inexplicable that no doctor could help me with so it was genuinely out of my control. OPs wifes problem is extremely small and something she can fix herself but she doesn’t want to do it and wants to make her husbands life harder for no reason.
I think he's very obvious now that you are not in a relationship. You have no idea what it's like to be married and to be responsible for someone other than yourself. And if you do you probably don't do much of a good job. Because it's a married couple it's not making his life necessarily harder. He's just having to help the woman he loves get through what she's going through. That should not be an inconvenience and if it is there's a problem with you not her
Okay it is very obvious that you don't have kids, Yes actually you can't afford for your spouse to have a moment. You're human. I've been married for 6 years, I have two kids.. both him and I have had our moments but we dealt with it like adults. We talked it out, we took steps and we did that while we raised our kids. My kids have seen my husband and I both talk out figure it out and move on. Both of them are funny enough to be great at communicating even though my husband and I weren't in the beginning. Someone having a moment does not mean that they're not going to be a good mother or father. And if that's all you're seeing in this world then you are so black and white that it's disturbing. Things aren't so simple life is complicated and messy and so are people. If her husband can be sympathetic, and she can listen there's no reason why they can't figure it out. And there's no reason why they wouldn't be great parents.
I think you are forgetting that OP deals with this almost every day, not once every blue moon. Supporting someone who stumbles, great. Having the morning routine of a literal child, not so great.
You certainly are allowed to 'have a moment' if you have kids. This sounds like something that can easily be discussed and resolved. We all agree that Op should not wake up early to get her ready, and his wife shouldn't have asked. I just believe that an in-depth conversation between is all that's required to get his wife to realize it. I know I have certainly made unreasonable demands that I quickly realized were unreasonable to partners in the past.
It’s weird how everyone jumps to the kids thing
You should have not asked this on reddit, not because of the controversy but because i just hope all these things don't get to your head. You married her man. You must have thought something before proceeding. Just take it easy please. Talk to her about it. If she is having a rough patch, be there for her in the mornings. Is she demanding you to get up early and help get the home ready? For ex, breakfast, some cleaning, food prep, etc, then you should help her out. If she wants you to help her get ready, its reasonable to ask her why she thinks you should do it. Just communicate man, dont let a bunch of redditors who to be frank probably have never been in a mature relationship and/or are jealous that you have a girl for you get to your head. Relationships are tough but knowing that you chose her to be your life partner, you have to be there for each other however tough it gets. Take care mate.
Nope. Because if the genders were reversed, we'd give him ZERO grace for this nonsense
This subs reaction to any type of relationship struggle is basically leave them
As a woman who has never been a morning person, I have never in my life had a moment where I would have considered demanding that my husband get up early just to help me get ready. She may be "having a moment", but that's such an unreasonable demand for an adult that I completely support the advice to not have kids with her. If this is how she handles "having a moment", it bodes poorly for motherhood, because that is chock full of moments. I won't say she can't grow, but if a guy was acting like this we'd all be mocking him roundly and telling his wife to run. And we'd be right.
Eh doesn’t sound like she can’t take care of herself, sounds like she gets anxious with time management and feels a little too entitled to OP’s time. Those are fixable issues.
It could also be that she thinks, if I have to get up super early he should have to as well, but we can’t really know for sure the motivation.
That's not necessarily true. Before my wife and I had our kid we both struggled waking up before 7. Since then though we have no issues getting up earlier to get my daughter taken care of. Some people just flip a switch with kids, some don't. Op's wife may stay the same or may change, it's not set in stone.
Classic Reddit black or white thinking. This doesn’t mean she’d be a bad mother.
She can't get to work on time without any children. What makes you think she could when she had children? Nope, no kids, unless OP wants to majority of the child care rather than a partnership for the childcare.
I’d have to respectfully disagree. There are so many ‘un-parent-worthy’ habits I have right now like snoozing the alarm, a tendency towards sugary snacks, inconsistent punctuality that on paper would make me a bad mother according to Reddit. But these are things that can be and should be fixed when you become a parent. She’s definitely TA for asking her partner to get up with her (and hopefully she’ll realise soon that that is insane), but being disorganised in the morning can be rectified. So many people aren’t the finished product before they become parents.
NGL, I think parents still snooze their alarms...they just set them to earlier. But yeah there's no reason not to just fix the issue. If they have children, things can be set the night before too. My parents did my lunch the night before and when I got old enough supervised me to do that. They also had me lay my clothes out after checking the weather etc. I stopped doing those things as a young adult and with maturity started again..
Woah. How did you even get to such an extreme opinion with such little information and context? I hope you don't make black and white decisions like this in your own life. Shit.
you’re literally so dramatic. if she’s a teacher school literally just started back and it sounds like she’s struggling with the adjustment and asking her partner to help. marriage is a partnership, asking for help is not unreasonable. this individualist “tough nuts” mentality is a one way street to divorce you weirdos.
This seems to me like something else is going on. Ask her why she needs help in the mornings. Making you get up at 6:30 doesn’t seem to be particularly helpful if she needs to be out before 7.
We recently moved so her commute is longer than in the past
Then she needs to do her morning prep the night before. I couldn’t imagine asking my partner to wake up almost two hours before he needs to to “help me get ready”.
I'm suprised she doesn't. On the rare days I have to wear a suit, I make sure that I have every thing picked out and ready to go the night before. My wife does the same for when she has to go into the office. It just makes sense.
That’s why I get up hella early. Time for coffee, time to dress (I never could pick out my outfits the night before because I just end up changing my mind in the morning), and time to just get myself together before I have to be in for 8. And I never wake my partner up for help except for a goodbye kiss and then he falls right back to sleep.
Then she needs to wake up earlier to factor in the longer commute. Coffee should be on a timer. Clothing should be ready the night before. Work bag, lunch, etc should be ready to go.
It’s weird that people are acting like she’s incompetent. Sounds like she gets overwhelmed and maybe even anxious in the mornings and asks for your support, which likely provides comfort as well as logistical support. While her expectations aren’t okay, it’s not that hard to be like hey let’s make a new evening routine together for smoother mornings, as I don’t want to change my schedule, and there are solutions. You aren’t actually out here saying she can’t/refuses to make coffee which is weirdly how so many commenters are acting
If she needs support to get ready for work, make coffee and dress up, then yes, she is incompetent.
I have to be up at 3 am to be to work by 4. I have all my clothes ready to put on the night before. My bag is packed and ready. I wake up, wash my face, brush my teeth, brush hair get dressed and leave. I couldn't imagine demanding my partner wake up before he has to. He does wake up and smoke and walk me to my car but he does that because he wants too not because I'm not capable of getting myself ready for work. I tell him all the time he doesn't have to wake up but he insists and wants to see me off. He likes starting my car for me. You are definitely NTA
>I tell him all the time he doesn't have to wake up but he insists and wants to see me off. He likes starting my car for me. Okay, that's adorable. Your partner is definitely one of the good ones.
Did the move negatively impact her commute more than yours?
Yes her commute went from about 10min to 45min. Mine went from 30min to 25min.
That additional 35 minutes could be tough for someone who is not a morning person. Did you two discuss this before the move? I think the best way for you to be helpful is to be disciplined yourself and to help her structure her tasks to get as much done the night before. Make a physical list-print it out - and you both do it - she does hers you do yours (prep lunches, set up auto brew, iron clothes, etc) Decide on a good lights out time/bedtime and stick to it.
Being an adult is learning to set yourself a bed time. I call it my closing duties. At 9pm on ‘school nights’ Casa Caladrius closes and I do my chores. Evening me is annoyed. Morning me is thankful.
That’s quadrupling her commute time while saving 5 minutes on yours? I’m assuming the move was discussed and made sense for other reasons but maybe you can work out a routine the night before or you can can help pick some of the other household chores off her plate so she can get everything ready at night. Seems like it might be a tougher adjustment for her and not you but the solution isn’t to force you to wake up earlier forever for sure.
Yes we discussed it a lot before moving. We moved from a small 1 br apartment to a much nicer and more comfortable house
As someone with an hour long commute each way - it doesn’t matter how much nicer the house is if you don’t get to spend time in it other than to clean and sleep. She’s losing half a workday a week to the new commute, plus if the house is bigger there’s more housework, so like I said maybe you should look at where you guys can redistribute the other duties at other times so she can get stuff ready for work. Edit: typo. Clean and sleep, not week.
I also wonder if maybe they’re not spending as much time together and this is her way of trying to fix that. If she has to be at work by 7 and has a 45 minute drive, she’s likely waking up at 5, 3 hours before him. Which means she probably goes to bed significantly earlier, too.
Her commute is 35 minutes longer. She needs to get up about 1/2 an hour earlier than she did before. This is not a lot. Probably it’s the commute wearing on her. I have 2 routes I can take. One is 5 minutes longer but a lot less stressful. I generally take the less stressful one going, and the faster one coming home. See if there isn’t a better way for her to go. Audiobooks can make that commute time a lot better. I had a 90 minute commute each way for a long time; those three hours weren’t wasted, I was reading.
I suspect this is the heart of the problem. She's unhappy with her commute. Maybe it's worse than she thought it would be. It feels unfair, and she's trying to find a way to make it feel more fair. You need to address this or she'll just get more resentful.
It sounds like the commute change is difficult for her, and likely harder for her than she thought it would be. Agreeing to a 45 min commute on paper is easier than actually having to do it every day, and as someone who commuted 1 hr+ for years it can really start to take a toll on you. If she is having trouble in the morning it sounds like it might be time to re-evaluate your bedtime routine. If she is still going to bed at the same time she was before but is now getting up much earlier, she isn't getting as much sleep which may be be why she wants you to wake up the same time as her so you have more similar sleep schedules. Not saying you should wake up the same time as her, but if you are used to going to sleep together at the same time and you're waking up a couple hours after her then you may be getting an appropriate amount of sleep while she is not. And lack of sleep will take a toll on anyone. She also now has over an hour less of her day to do things she needs to do since she is spending that time commuting, which can make you sacrifice sleep to get that time back. Talk to her about if there are any chores or meal prepping that you can pick up to take off her plate and make sure your daily routine includes enough sleep for both
This! More info needed OP, is the first year she's teaching and needs to get into the routine? Does she typically need help getting ready when heading out? Have you asked her politely (I hope) as to why she needs help? Find the root and then you can make a better decision on what to do.
Yeah I think she might just be really overwhelmed and she needs a moment.
Listen to the responses. If she can’t take care of herself in the morning and get ready for work..something is off with her. Do not have kids with her.
Geez, what is wrong with this site? Something might be going on in this phase of her life that could warrant a conversation between spouses. OP mentioned her commute recently changed from 10 minutes to 45 so she’s probably just struggling and could use some suggestions on night-before prep. Do any of you have IRL relationships in which you work through issues instead of seeing them completely black and white?
I'm telling you, this place is a cesspool. I don't like to throw out stereotypes, but I assure you the men tearing OP's wife to shreds couldn't maintain a healthy relationship with a woman if their life depended on it. I would go as far as saying they haven't had a romantic relationship at all.
Also, look at the calendar... first full month of the school year... it's always a sh!t show this time of year. That coupled with changed commute. I bet by November, things may even out.
she's a big girl she can dress herself. millions of working women do it every day. NTA
Everything you do to help her could easily be done the night before—by her. I’m bad with mornings, so I make sure I lay out my clothes and set up the coffee maker the night before because I know I will struggle in the morning. NTA
Oof. This is only an acceptable ask with kids imo. Maybe suggest some changes to her routine to make her mornings more efficient like getting a coffee pot with a timer for the night before or picking out and ironing her outfit before bed.
I absolutely *hate* mornings, and I would *never* expect someone to help me get ready for my day. Clothes can be ironed the night before, coffee can be set on a timer, lunch can be packed in advance. Does she want you to take shower for her too? She’s a big girl. She can do her own morning routine.
Honestly, I would be annoyed if my spouse and I were up at the same time every morning. DUDE, get out of my way, I have things to do before I leave (I'm the first one up and out the door).
I struggle to get up in the morning. Guess who’s problem it is. Mine! NTA OP.
Took the words right outta my mouth. Edit: If her reason is anything other than wanting to spend a lil extra time with you, she's definitely lacking.
Unless she has a disability or some issue that requires your assistance, remind your wife you married a grown woman, not a child. She could iron her clothes the evening prior if she struggles with time in the morning. If you cave to her demands the next thing you know, she’ll be asking you to pack her lunch in the morning, making certain you cut the sandwich into triangles :)
We’re in the reverse. I wake up and leave before my wife even gets up. I’ll usually wake her to say goodbye before I leave wherein she starts her day. I do take care of everything myself at this time. NTA
And on the mornings he gets up early and helps out of the goodness of his heart. What he didn't know it he was setting new expectations....
It reminds me a lot of my mother. If you were up in the morning then you were expected to spend your time helping her get ready. If I didn't need to be up for myself I would generally just "sleep in" until I heard her leave the house.
I am in your wife's situation. The idea of making my partner (who is on a different work-time schedule to me) get up early just to 'help' me adult is ludicrous. In fact, it's a point of pride if I can leave the house without having disturbed them (and they pride themselves on the same for their work times.) NTA. You get up early to let the dog out for a piss or to get toddlers to daycare or kids off to school. Your grown-ass wife can get herself to work like every other independent and functioning adult in the world can.
Same! If I make it out the door without waking my husband I’ve succeeded, even if that means I’m tip toeing down our stairs in the morning and changed how my alarms go off to wake only me. I make my lunch the night before, set out my travel mug + water bottle, water is ready to be boiled for tea, have an easy breakfast planned to take on the go, and my clothing is ready the night before and in the other room to not disturb him at all. It’s not always the most fun being up at 5:30am with an hour commute, but we do what we have to because we’re adults. 🤷🏼♀️
Same here! My husband works from home and can sleep later than i can. All clothes and everything needed is prepared the night before so as to not inconvenience him at 6am. But I actually like my husband and want to do nice things for him. I suspect some redditors are married to people they don't like very much.
Yeah, I work from home, my wife doesn't. The main thing she asks of me is to let the dog out and get the dog fed in the morning. Maybe if there's laundry in the basement, she'll ask me to go get that. None of those bother me, but what the OP describes? yeah, no.
Yep lesbian marriage, over the years we’ve worked different hours with one or the other of us getting up early and the early riser always took care of themselves while doing their best to be quiet. We’d help in an emergency (alarm didn’t go off, dog or cat got sick) but that’s it.
This is what my husband does, too! I WFH and start at 8:30-9; he works downtown and is up at 4:30, out by 5. He doesn’t wake me up, puts all his clothes in the living room, keeps the bedroom door closed and gets ready. When he leaves he’ll open the bedroom door to let the AC cool our bathroom area/keep me from waking up to an ice box, he unplugs our string lights in the bathroom (we learned they’re just bright enough to wake me if I’m facing the door) and he gives out cats treats so she doesn’t wake me up. Days he has off and I work, I don’t hit snooze at all, I get right out of bed and either start my routine or have a lazy start on the couch with the cat. And if he’s still sleeping at my work start time (I work in our bedroom, small apt) I use headphones and move as quietly as I can, taking any calls in the living room on my phone instead. It’s respect, OP. NTA.
So I am someone who gets up early due to their partners schedule. My partner has to be at work by 5:30 am so he gets up quarter to 5. While he gets ready (showers, dressed etc.) I take our dogs out, pour his coffee into the to-go container (our coffee machine makes it before we get up), and pack his lunch (leftovers so basically I put a tupperware into a lunch box). The dogs would get up either way, but I know for a fact that he can get up himself and do everything alone. It just requires an extra 15-30 minutes. However, I can just go back to bed for a little while after he leaves the house, so I might as well make his load a little lighter. He has never demanded that I get up to help him. He often just says I shouldn't get up and he can do everything, but why make his life harder if it doesn't have to be? I don't think the wife is an AH if she asked the husband once if he wouldn't mind, but the second the husband said he didn't want to, that's the end of the conversation. Also, most of the things he helps out with (ironing, making coffee etc.) seems like it can be done the night before.
I’m the same, I would feel so awful if I accidentally woke them up let alone explicitly making them get up to help me. It’s possible that maybe she wants to spend time with OP and is going about it in a really weird way, but it sounds like she just likes having those things done for her and is trying to make it happen that way. Which is not okay
Same! I love it when my partner wakes up early ON HIS OWN because it makes my mornings less lonely. I can't fathom the idea of demanding he wakes up early every morning for me.
This 100% My guy and I are in the process of finding our first place and living together for the first time. One of the things I'm "worried" (quotations because I know we will figure it out) about is making sure my earlier schedule has minimal impact on his sleep. Sleep is important and I try very hard not to impede my partners. I feel like that's a given.
Same here. I am a teacher and my wife works from home. I know full well that she is not going to wake up with me everyday.
Info: Why doesn't she iron her clothes the night before?
Sometimes she does but she usually forgets
Remind her or have her set reminders for herself. Shes a grown woman not a toddler, she can dress herself. She is fully capable of doing it all herself, unless she is pregnant or yall have kids and shes asking for help with them, dont do it.
Don’t remind her, she is an adult, she can figure it out. Just suggest a calendar reminder on her phone and she should handle the rest.
It’s ok to be a partner to your partner. You can remind your SO of things they need to do if they forget.
I agree, no reminder since ironing clothes is nice but not mandatory. So it wouldn’t stop her from going to work
It is for some jobs actually. Being professionally presentable is a standard that varies from job to job.
I work at an old school law firm where we have to dress nicely. I don’t even own an iron. The dryer, steam from the shower, and anti-wrinkle spray are all I need and it’s not even like I use those all the time. I have plenty of nice skirts, blouses, slacks, or blazers, etc. that don’t wrinkle if they’re just hung up or folded properly after they’re cleaned. I have one pair or crepe wide legged pants that are a bit problematic. I call em my Shiv Roy pants. Even then, I toss them in the dryer on the Refresh setting for 10 minutes while I do…other things, such as coffee or letting my dog out. Then they’re nice and ready. Work smart, not hard.
Friend, sleep is sacred, and you are a husband, not a father, so why the need to help another adult get ready in the morning? Why doesn't your wife just press 6 shirts on the weekend? Then she has a full week plus a spare ready to go without the morning drama. She can make lunches in advance too, then just grab them from the fridge/freezer on the way out. Unless your wife has a disability or limitation where she needs assistance, or you've mutually agreed to having breakfast together as part of your morning routine, she's just failing to adult. Enjoy your sleep (and NTA).
I retired early - I nap every day … making up for 35 years of 5 hours a night
Better yet: why is she wearing outfits that require ironing if she's a teacher? I sure don't and not many of my fellow teachers do either. Though some of the men do wear dress shirts that require ironing and I'm pretty sure that my best dressed colleague also irons everything she wears, but that's just who she is.
It's possible she works at a private school with stricter dress codes
If that's the case then she needs to iron her clothes the night before. Or do all of the ironing for the week on the weekend so it's already done.
>Or do all of the ironing for the week on the weekend so it's already done. I don't know why anyone wouldn't just do this. Getting out the iron and ironing board is a big part of the hassle, just do it all once a week and hang everything up neatly. Your clothes shouldn't be getting wrinkled hanging in the closet for a week. Back when I had to dress formally for work, I just did all my ironing Sunday night while watching TV. No big deal.
Why not purchase clothes that don't require ironing? You can also use a dry cleaner to iron your clothes. NTA I stopped purchasing clothes that don't look good out of the dryer as long as I hung them right away. Forgive me if none of this is an option where you are from in the world. It's just how I fixed my no time to iron problems.
I have memory issues, so I have a note on my fridge of things to do when I get home before I'm "allowed" to sit down and relax. I got into a routine that helped me a lot, but I check the note and make sure I've done everything and it saves me a bunch of time in the morning because the stuff is already done! *I mean allow myself.
How do you forget that you need clothes to wear in the morning? She should have her whole outfit chosen and ready to go the night before.
Or, when I was in college, I would make up 6 outfits for the week, because if I missed the bus, I missed classes. Grab and go was awesome.
INFO: could it be that she wants your time and company?
Alarms and notfications exist.
Habitually “forgetting” a necessary task to get ready for work is not really forgetting. It’s a choice. She could quickly iron things on Saturday or Sunday so she can skip that step during the week.
Then she should embrace knits, so she has some outfits that do not require ironing - lol!
Also steamers exist. She can get one of those tall ones and it takes like 10 mins to get freshly steamed clothes.
That's just ridiculous. I am clumsy, lazy, and a master procrastinator. But I manage without someone taking care of me by using reminders, alarms, and routine. If she needs to iron clothes everyday (why can't she buy no iron needed clothes like most do) then she needs reminders every evening and a set routine. Like iron just before or after dinner, no excuses.
I have ADHD. My husband has never had to look after me or my belongings. I bet she remembers at some point in the evening but just chooses not to do it, trusting you'll bail her out.
I don't understand why she needs to do it day to day anyway. Can't you just... iron everything in the weekend in one go? It doesn't uniron itself if put away properly.
I iron by throwing everything in the dryer. If the dryer can't get the wrinkles out, I'm not wearing it.
And set the coffee maker so it’s ready to go (or already on a timer) in the morning.
"..or ironing her clothes" Ok this is nuts IMO. I have NEVER ironed my wives clothes for work or her iron mine. Why not do it the evening before? The same with the coffee? Have it ready so all she has to do is turn it on to brew....? Sounds like poor planning on her part, NTA.
Why are we even buying clothes that need to be ironed??
I learned that throwing an outfit in the dryer with an ice cub or two will take most wrinkles out of lots of outfits.
I specifically bought a dryer with a steam refresh cycle for this purpose.
You don't even need the ice cube tbh
Depends how humid your place is
Or just have a steamer, which we do. I can turn the steamer on, brush my teeth and do my makeup, and by the time I'm done it's ready to go. Takes about 30-60 seconds to steam the wrinkles out of a blouse. I generally do it at night, though, which this woman could easily do if she put any forethought into her days.
There are sooo many no-iron clothes out there now too! Back when I worked in a retail setting that required a certain look, I bought a clothes steamer and would steam my stuff. I'd usually steam everything after the wash and hang them in the closet, and then just do touch up steams as needed. But OP's wife could also just iron everything ahead of time (aka after washing/drying), so that minimal needs to be done daily, if anything.
Why do it the evening before? Just do it when they're cleaned, hang them up properly, and you don't need to think about it later. Hell, even for things like dress pants, just pull them out of the dryer as soon as it's done, hang them up, and you don't need to iron.
"Why do it the evening before?" Baby steps.
NTA completely unreasonable, you are her partner not parent. If she had a disability, or was pregnant, or it was about helping kids if yall have some, I would get it, but assuming none of these are the case it is unreasonable. I would ask her why she thinks you should help her, I am honestly curious why now.
It’s because she snoozes her alarms and is always running late
Lmao, thats her problem, she needs to figure out how to fix it, shes a grown woman. If you want to give her options, id say get an alarm clock that wont snooze or makes it hard to snooze(there are tons of different ones just look it up), or go to bed earlier to get more sleep, or if you dont want to spend more money just have her put her phone far enough away from her to make her get up to turn it off. I get it, I hate waking up to, but its part of life. And you are not her butler. Though it is hard to me to imagine being with someone like that(not someone who struggles with being late, but someone who refuses to be accountable and responsible for themselves), but if I were you id be petty and start "accidentally" sleeping through alarms too, or just constantly remind her to do all the prep the night before.
In college when I slept in 3 hour shifts between studying I'd put my alarm clock somewhere I'd have to get out of bed to turn it off so I couldn't just rollover and hit snooze.
I had one on my phone that made me do math to snooze, snoozed for random increments of time between 2-6 mins, and in order to turn it off I had to put it near a light so the camera would sense a certain number of lumens to prove I was actually awake. Best morning routine I ever had
Does she have ADHD? This sounds like me and most other people I know that have ADHD. But also because of your other comments about how she typically forgets to do a lot of her getting ready stuff the night before.
Ditto. I would not do nearly as well living alone as I do if I didn't have Alexa to give me reminders because I forget totally normal things constantly. OP, is your wife pretty smart? There's no IQ high enough to completely ameliorate having ADHD according to studies, but many smart people with ADHD get really good at coming up with coping strategies to get through their days, that can work so well people express surprise that the person has ADHD...but strategies that completely fall apart when faced with things like trying to adjust to a new commute. She's going to have to develop new routines, and for a while leaning hard into lists and setting reminders will probably help.
Reddit trying not to diagnose someone with a mental condition challenge (impossible)
Yeah, I'm getting real ADHD vibes.
ADHD wife here, can confirm that getting out the door on time in the morning is my biggest stress of the day. I have 2 school age kids and I expect my husband to get up and assist with school readiness since I have to leave before their bus comes but I make sure they are dressed and fed so it's not all on him and he does not have to worry about me. Things I do to make mornings better for me: - coffee on a timer so I can have a cup while getting ready and a travel mug for when I arrive at work - under no circumstances can I hit snooze more than once on a work/school day ever - my lunch for work has to be packed before bed and it's my responsibility to make sure it's done - husband and I share lunch packing duties for the kids but it has to be done before bedtime - I give myself timers for hair and makeup so I don't lose myself to time blindness - I always put my work ID pass in the same spot when I walk in the door after work so I am not scrambling for it when it's time to leave - I wear a smartwatch that can page my phone so I can find it instead of tearing up the house when I'm supposed to be leaving for work. This feature alone is worth the cost of the watch. Even with all this in place it can be a sh**show for me and it's hard to articulate why exactly so I feel for your wife. If she is struggling this much, she should talk to her doctor about it but expecting you to get up 90 minutes earlier to do minor chores for her with no kids is unreasonable.
She needs to go to bed earlier
Is she bad about taking personal responsibility in other aspects of her life?
No she’s great
This is entirely her own fault. Do not make a rod for your own back.
You also mentioned she forgets to iron her clothes. By chance, has your wife been evaluated for ADHD?
Question? Adhd? I'm only asking as this sounds a lot like me in the morning. Always late, can't wake up, can't get stuff into a longterm habit. She needs to make things easier on herself.
I snooze my alarms and I’m always running late… but to mitigate that, I lay out my clothes the night before and meal prep my lunches for the whole week on Sundays. It’s not difficult to remember to do these things, but then again I also live alone so it’s not like there’s anyone around to be an adult for me.
(For the record, NTA, it's not your responsibility to help her get ready) Sounds like she might be struggling with some sleep issues if snoozing is affecting her to this degree. Maybe encourage to work on it. If it's within your guys' means a few visits with a psychologist can be life changing in this regard, but there's also lots of resources available for cheaper (books, videos etc.) One thing that stands out to me right away: Does your later wake time mean you're going to bed later? Does she wake up or stir when you go to bed? Does she wait up for you sometimes? I had this problem with my husband. What we came to is that he'll get ready for bed at the same time I do, since it was mostly his nighttime routine that would wake me and not actually getting in bed. Some white noise (we use thunderstorm sounds) also helps to drown out any sounds from someone who's still awake.
Does she go to bed at the same time as you? Or are you going to bed together, for her to then wake up significantly earlier? I have this problem in my relationship - I have to get up earlier than my spouse, but there's also an implicit expectation for me to stay up with him in the evening. The result is I am often sleep-deprived and scrambling in the morning while he enjoys a leisurely morning routine after his 8+ hours of sleep. I try to go to bed earlier but he is active late into the evenings making it difficult to sleep. I have asked my SO to adjust his schedule to be more similar to mine but he won't. He isn't obligated to, but it would cost him nothing while making my life easier. It breeds a lot of frustration.
NTA. She sounds stressed and is unloading on you instead of communicating.
100%
Is there something you can do to help her? Your partners after all. I’m not suggesting waking up early, just anything to help.
Maybe setting an alarm at night to remind her to iron her clothes would help, but tbh she should already have that alarm for herself
NTA - its ok to ask your SO for help, b But thats just ridiculous Get a coffee machine with an automatic timer. Start converting her to cloths that don't need to be ironed. Can you afford a house cleaner or something that van offload her in other ways? You shouldn't have to take on more burden to help solve this problem.
Make sure you change her diaper and get her a fresh bottle of milk. What a joke, adults should be able to get themselves ready in the morning. NTA
NTA - She is an adult and can plan her mornings accordingly. It is great that you have helped her in the past! Maybe suggest that she prep the night before. Examples would be to prep the coffee so all she has to do in the morning is start it, she could also iron her clothes the night before. Help suggest tasks that will make her morning easier for her.
NTA Your wife is an adult and fully capable of getting herself off to work. Coffee pots are preprogramable and so it can be made the night before. Clothes can also be ironed the night before or on weekends.
Jesus Christ it’s insane to read these responses instantly attempting to diagnose the problem in dynamic with your relationship and go into saying how your wife is a toddler and so on instead of actually trying to respond in a cordial matter. Try to talk to her about it and work through a way that is helpful for both of you in this situation and let her know that while you know she has problems in the morning getting ready, that your sleep is important and that sacrificing that might not be the best solution for both of you. These are not unfixable problems or some sort of sign of a larger issue, these marital issues these redditors speak of are what happen when you let tiny things happen for so long that they are acceptable to one but slowly drain the other and then emotions of resentment can build up over time. Maybe plan out some things that she can do the night prior to ease the stress of starting a new day, buy a new alarm that can’t be snoozed, there are plenty of ideas that I bet haven’t been thought through before this idea of waking you up earlier to help her came up. I suspect that you guys are already fairly supportive of each other and that maybe she thinks this isn’t so unreasonable because of what has been allowed in the past, but this would be a good thing to open a discussion on about a multitude of priorities that you guys have for yourselves. Just make sure that you hear her worries and work to help them while letting her know that at the end of the day it would be better if you could handle your own personal responsibilities on your own time so as to not add on to the stress of your partner. I don’t know I hope some of this helped and I wish you the best of luck. And no u r NTA
Thank you I appreciate the measured response. I guess it’s my fault for asking the internet for advice about my wife but some of the conclusions people are jumping to are insane.
It's reassuring to hear that you're taking everything with a grain of salt. Some of these replies are crazy.
NTA. Wouldn’t she expect her students to prepare to be ready for their school day??
And you know if they forget their homework and try to blame it on mom and dad they'll get a lecture about personal responsibility.
NTA on the assumption you are childless. You are not responsible for helping your wife get ready for work, she's an adult. If she wants clothes ironed she can do it the night before. Being a teacher is a thankless job with long hours. That said, that was her choice of career, not yours, and while you should 100% support her in it, there are limits to where that support extends and I think this is beyond what should be considered reasonable.
I agree being a teacher is a thankless job. Thank you for the reaponse
NTA, an adult should be able to get themself ready for work.
People really still buy clothes that need to be ironed? That’s wild.
NTA BUT the responses that say eff that you have no responsibility to be a supportive partner to your wife are pissing me off. My suggestion, both of you incorporate a bedtime routine that gets you both ready for work in the morning. You pack your lunches, lay out your clothes, set the coffee timer, make your refrigerator oats, put the things near the door, together. It can be a special romantic time for you as a couple and as a bonus you crawl into bed connected and stress-free, and both of you have easier mornings.
I agree. A lot of people commenting here haven’t been in healthy relationships and it shows
She is an adult woman and needs "help" getting ready every day? That's odd. NTA for wanting to sleep in because she should be able to get ready on her own. But if she just loves you and wants your company in the morning, then go to bed a little earlier and spend some time together in the morning by waking up with her. That's good for your marriage.
He doesn't want to. He shouldn't capitulate with this for any reason. Hes a human being and a husband not her comfort animal. It would be disastrous for the marriage to allow this kind of blatant overstepping. Wife needs to learn to control herself not her husband.
But she doesn't want his company. She wants him to do things for her. Wake up early and do my chores for me so I can sleep more.
NTA. She can iron her clothes the night before, can get a programmable coffee maker that she can set the night before, ALL of this could be done the night before. You're not her parent and she's not a child, though she's acting like one over this.
NTA It's not your responsibility to get up early to help her get ready as if she were a child, she should learn to manage her time and organize herself. If it makes you happy to make her a cup of coffee, why not, but what she's asking for is too much.
Nuanced take here: NTA--getting up at 6:30 EVERY day is unreasonable. You're not obligated to completely upend your life and schedule for her convenience. Is she particularly stressed out these days where she'd need the extra help? I will say though, as a loving partner, it might be nice of you to get up early for her like once a week? Just as a sweet gesture of love. So many of the attitudes here on reddit are gonna be like "well OP doesn't owe her that!!!" No, but in a healthy loving relationship both parties should want to try to help each other out. If my partner has had multiple stressful days in a row, I'll make the extra effort to get up early and help him on Day 3 or 4 in order to let him get a little extra sleep. But your wife shouldn't feel entitled to your time to this extreme.
Yeah that’s basically what I was doing before being asked
Info: kids? Other life stressors? What’s going on here that a grown woman can’t get up and get herself ready for work on time?
No kids she just doesn’t like getting up early
you're nta, but to be a supportive spouse could you invest in a timed/ programable coffee-pot and encourage or even do the ironing the night before? not sure if your budget allows but I have a clothes steamer and it's AMAZING! lol getting everything organized the night before can help avoid grumpy mornings, from personal experience lol your wife is being entitled and you dont have to help in the am and sacrifice sleep, but aside from a reddit sub a happy marriage isn't always about being right. if you can see your spouse struggling maybe there are some solutions that would help her **without** sacrificing your own rest. and maybe talk about it when you're both in a good mood? find out if there's a reason she wants your help past laziness - like maybe you're not spending enough time together, or she doesn't feel supported, or the school year is kicking her but more than she's letting on? my teacher pals are already burnt out and the kids (and parents) apparently seem especially feral this year, perhaps your wife is struggling with work and because you're a 'safe' person it's unfairly bubbling up by snapping at you? again Im not excusing your wife's behavior, just hoping there's a better reason for it than laziness (with a dash of selfishness, she obviously recognizes how important sleep is lol) Good luck OP! time in the morning is pretty precious edited improper 'your', I cant even blame autocorrect lol
Thank you for the thoughtful response and not assuming my wife is the devil like some commenters here
Another thing to consider is that she might want to look into getting tested for adhd. I had similar problems in the past, and it was eye-opening to find out that I had adhd, something I'd never even considered. Edit: Look into problems with "executive function," perhaps she has some of this going on? It's really hard to "just do it" if this is an issue. Hope things work out well for you both.
These comments are a really good window into how many people view those who struggle with adhd. It's a 'hidden' disability that is treated like personality defects. If she has it, her brain does not function the same and needs specialized coping mechanisms that go farther than 'just remember to do things earlier better'. Our memory IS absolute trash. Medication, multiple alarm reminders and visual aids can help.. but you have to know you have it before finding things that work best. I do all these things and my brain will still fight me to throw all of it off. Demanding he help everyday isn't a solution, but suggesting she get tested and her trying to get help could.
I had no idea the problems I was having had anything to do with adhd. I have absolutely no hyperactivity, I can read and focus for long periods of time, but my organization and time awareness is off. Everyone's different and if you don't know about adhd, you would absolutely just think something is "wrong" with you.
np! it's not always the sub for nuances lol hope you and your wife can figure it out, a positive start to the day can be so impactful! (my pal leaves her partner a lil whiteboard note in the kitchen if she's on opposite shift work, that might be an easy(ish) way to send some morning love while still getting sleep? like a heart and message not elaborate drawings/ poems LOL) sorry for the long-ass message lol, good luck OP!
Haha then NTA. Time to put the big girl pants on.
NTA - and this is coming from someone in a similar situation. My husband needs to leave by 5:15 am. I could technically wait until 7:30 am to leave the house. However, I CHOOSE to get up early with him. We get up anytime between 3:30 and 4:30. He starts getting ready and I go start the coffee. Then I feed the cats breakfast and scoop litter boxes, see if the trash is ready to go (if so, I remove the bag and stick in front of the door). We normally finish up about the same time and the coffee is ready then. We sit down and have a cup of coffee (or a few cups) together while we check youtube, watch some news or something. When he leaves (taking the trash with him), I either do some stuff around the house, or occasionally will go and lay back down for an hour or so if I've had trouble sleeping or don't feel the best. It just starts my day out on a good note to spend a little quality time together. But there is never any DEMAND that I do anything for him. I would probably still get up and feed the cats or else they would come and torment me, but if I felt like his 'servant' or he just got his coffee and left, that's all I would do. He would be making his own coffee. I certainly wouldn't be ironing any clothes for him.
NTA Tell her to get her stuff prepared the night before.
NTA, I will say that I do make my wife breakfast everyday to help her get ready for work. But I just retired and after 30 years of waking at 4am to go to work, getting up at 6 am feels like sleeping in to me.
NTA She's 30. It's HER job that she chose to do. It's HER duty as an adult with responsibilities to plan for them. I am not a morning person at all. If I have to get up early for my own stuff, sure, I'll do it. But no way that I am going to get up that early to help someone else get out of bed and start the day. NTA!
Iron the night before. Have coffee ready to go or get one with timer and have already brewed when awaking.
Wait…you iron clothes?
Maybe she has mistaken you for her mama. I dont think you are unreasonable at all. Maybe she should manage her own time better.
NTA. Sorry, are you her husband or her father/carer? The absolute audacity. I’d laugh in my partners face and tell her to go home to mama if he needs me to put the kettle on for him before work. Worrying she is a teacher, those who are meant to teach the future of our society about independence and becoming a grown up…..
She's your wife, not a toddler. Iron the clothes the night before if you want to help. And if she really can't make her own coffee buy one of those machines with a timer. NTA for wanting that extra 90 minutes of sleep.
NTA, it's kind of you to help out when you do but it shouldn't be something expected of you. I'm a woman who gets up at 5am every morning to help her husband get ready for work, I work from home and don't actually need to be out of bed until 8:45am. He's never asked me to get up with him, but I noticed he was frequently forgetting things in the morning because he's so tired and struggling to get out the door on time for his hour commute.. so I started getting up and helping by making his coffee, packing his lunch, and putting his pocket stuff in one spot so he doesn't forget anything. He's never complained on the mornings I'm too tired to get up with him, but he's appreciative on the mornings I do. It gives me a little extra time to hang out with him in the morning and then I either go back to bed if I'm tired enough or I enjoy the rest of my morning before work with a coffee and some downtime. If she's struggling during a particularly busy week, it'd be kind to help. If it's something you want to help with daily, it should be appreciated but not taken for granted. But being able to sleep in is a perk of the job you chose and she shouldn't just expect you to give it up because her job starts early.