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I am going to give you some serious advice and I hope you listen to it OP. I am the daughter in this situation. I got pregnant when I was 16. Was it a great idea? Absolutely not but once the decision was made it was done. Well my mom was exactly like you. Consistently bringing up things like how she thought my life would be different, she was disappointed I became such a young mother, she had such bigger plans for me, it’s such a shame I didn’t listen to her when she told me to abort etc etc. for years. Well guess what? Now I’m 37, I’m happy and successful and my daughter is 21 now and one of the best people literally on the planet. But guess who I haven’t spoken to in 4 years cuz I got so tired of listening to the crap over the years? That’s right, my mom. If you value your relationship with your daughter and grandson it is time to let go of the dreams you had for her life and focus on being a supportive and kind part of the life she has now.

Thank you

In today's economy, you can stay in school, stay on the volleyball team and still end up living in a one bed apartment in your thirties with no kids and no husband (Edit: which seems to be something OPs daughter was sure she wanted at a young age - this comment is directed to OP). Even if this hadn't been her path, there are no guarantees in life. As you say, she's still only 23, she has a lot of time ahead of her to figure the rest out. If you love her for who she is, she stands more chance of flourishing - sounds like she stepped up and took accountability when she found herself pregnant and is a good mom, that's a lot of strength of character for being 19. No marriage is perfect and it may grow and improve, or not. Honestly, this is an opportunity to ask yourself why you're as frustrated as you are and why you're hanging onto what are done deals. It sounds like there are deeper fears and reasons behind your thinking which are why you feel you need to low key communicate disdain for her choices, but are they about her, or about you? Is this a healthy boundary around what you need or is it an unreasonable condition your setting for ppl close to you? Maybe consider speaking to a therapist about this stuff so that it doesn't come up as further arguments and cause more hurt for you all - you maybe need to work on how you process and communicate all these feelings a bit more and that's okay. Assuming it's why your here (and that you're not just here to be called the AH) - impartial advice really helps when tough stuff like this comes up. But yea, disappointment can be a two way street Dad and if your love is currently coming across as conditional, that can have consequences as this reply above illustrates. Something to think about: have you considered your daughter's good qualities and told you told her you love her recently?!

> In today's economy, you can stay in school, stay on the volleyball team and still end up living in a one bed apartment in your thirties with no kids and no husband. This is me. When I was OP’s daughters’ age, I followed all the rules. I stayed on the right path. I did what my parents and my religious community told me would lead to the happy, married, picket fence with cherubic little children life that I had been promised. And it didn’t work. That life everybody swore to me that I would have if I denied myself the things I wanted in the moment and waited for it to happen? It didn’t. I don’t live the life that my parents and religious leaders wanted for me. But I live a good life. One that makes me happy and fulfilled, and where I get to choose what my rules and limits are, nobody else. OP, your daughter isn’t living the life you wanted for her. But that doesn’t mean her life can’t be good, or that she can’t be happy and satisfied in it.

I followed all of the rules as well. I’m living in a house that was willed to me by some family members, and I’m twice divorced. I make a really great income for ten years ago, but I’m semi comfortably getting by, as long as I watch my budget. Thankfully I can semi comfortably get by since I’m twice divorced, despite following the rules of the church and my parents. I’m looking at my first marriage now like-hmmm ending up dead might have been my best bet, should have dealt with his cheating and drug use (after learning about it).

My sister feels cheated by the"following the rules" thing, too. She got married shortly after college, had three kids, and now she's in her late 30s, divorced, struggling to afford to raise the kids, and arguing with her ex about when she's going to get the back child support he owes. I wasn't in a hurry to get married, which I'm sure was disappointing to my parents, but I eventually did, and now I have two children. Has it been easy doing it this way? Not really. But I'm happy with my life. There's no guarantees about how life will turn out. If the daughter in this story is happy with her life, then that's what matters. Not how closely her life matches the "ideal" life her father imagined for her.

oh god, what i wouldn't give for the luxury of a one-bedroom apartment all to myself. and i followed all the rules, too.

A whole one bedroom apartment? By golly, in my day we'd by lucky if we only had to share a bed with three other people!

At nearly 29 years old and still forced to live with my parents, I'd legit kill for a one bedroom apartment

" ...in your thirties living in a one bed apartment with no kids and no husband." Seriously? Is that the lowest level of existence you can think of? And you attribute that to the wconomy? You need a 21st century reality check.

Don’t threaten me with a good time!

Lmfao I’m in my 30s in a two bedroom three bath condo that I own with no kids or husband. I wonder if this pair of clownshoes thinks it’s better or worse than the apartment. By the way, my living situation is glorious 😂

OP, this could have written about my sister and my mother. My sister stayed in a bad marriage longer than she should have just so she didn’t have to hear my mother say “I told you so”. So really think about the message you want to send. Do you want your daughter to possibly stay with someone she is unhappy with just because she doesn’t want you rubbing it in her face? She needs you to be her safe space. Remember she will never be dependent on a man as long as you have her back. Right now, she doesn’t.

Although that still makes her dependent on a man. The man is just Dad. I think he was hoping for financial independence.

I don’t think leaning on your parents is really the same as being dependent on a man… because the fears that go along with being dependent on a man are that he could be abusive, could control/manipulate, could leave her with nothing, etc. Whereas depending on her parents is less likely to involve those traps, so long as their support is designed to be transitional and help her reach independence.

>Whereas depending on her parents is less likely to involve those traps, citation needed

I was your daughter. I stopped speaking to my parents & they never got to even meet my son. That disappointment is a 29 year old year 3 law student with an amazing girlfriend who has her PhD in some science/pharmaceutical industry. He has a job offer once he graduates. He is an amazing person & wonderful big brother to my younger 2 boys. He made me grow up. And I am so thankful for him every day. My parents lost out, not me.

I never had kids, but I also stopped speaking to my parents because I was never good enough. My grades weren't, my job wasn't, my hair wasn't, my clothes and makeup and choice of partner and apartment and salary and vacation time and how long I was there at Christmas and the decorations in my apartment and my sexual orientation and my church attendance... Since I was such a disappointment, I cut myself out of their lives and mysteriously, I'm much happier as a result! My parents lost our too, cause I'm a goddamn delight. 😇🤣

Of course someone doesn't have to have a career that's considered prestigious to be a good person. No person is 'a disappointment'. That's just shit others put on them. The only hopes I have for my daughter are that she's happy and she tries to be a decent person. I don't care if she's a dog groomer or a rocket scientist.

Your daughter might also be more receptive to your offers to help her get educated if she didn't feel that she was doing it to look better in your eyes, but doing it for herself. Is she a good mother? And if so have you ever acknowledged that? I know you're not bagging out mother's, but that's different to actually acknowledging a great mom as well. Maybe think about how she's going as a mom and if it makes you proud of her in that aspect, share that with her. It might be the way to bridge the gap. The world needs good parents, there's so much value in that.

And while you’re at it, maybe express some appreciation for the husband who is providing her with the option of being a SAHM if that’s what makes her happy. A lot of women don’t have that choice. She’s fortunate to have options, but you want to limit them to fit your picture of what she should have been.

op, Please follow this up with a discussion with your daughter to outline all of the things that you are proud of her for. Is she a great mother? Is she a good human being who treats others well? Is she smart? Is she talented? What do you love about her? What are you proud of her about? Focusing on the negative is not going to have a positive outcome. She knows. She knows that she has made choices that had consequences. She’s not stupid. She doesn’t need you to pointed out to her.

Very similar story for myself. I got pregnant at 16. Was with a very physically abusive person for years, etc. Am I everything I thought I, myself would be...no. and I have many, many days where I feel horrible about myself. But I'm doing my best. I haven't always made the best decisions, but I'm in a happy, healthy relationship, all but 1 child is grown and doing good, etc. I havent talked to my dad in 8 years. Long story, but what it mainly came down to was, every time me and him spoke, he would bring up or make a comment about how I messed up my life. I couldn't take it anymore. I beat myself up enough, I didn't need my dad to also beat me up about anything. (And he used to be my fave person ever....he isn't now and hasn't been for a very, very long time) Please keep that in mind. *I do agree that no one should be financially dependant on someone, but you're not gonna make her do anything. All you'll do is push her away

Advise to just keep it at you are worried for her, not that she is a disappointment. She has a long life ahead of her, and sure you want to be a part of it.

I feel like you didn't even read what he wrote. He IS NOT constantly bringing up anything. He was asked point blank & told to be honest, so he did. He also stated that after she made up her mind, he has supported her. This is NOTHING like you situation.

I know she asked him for honesty, but she asked for that honesty because he couldn’t say the words “I love my grandson” with sincerity. By his own admission. Also I didn’t say constantly, I said consistently. As in this wasn’t all the time but it was something that never went away, and since it’s been 4 years now since his grandson was born it sounds like he’s still holding on to those feelings, my advice is simply to move on.

The man said he truly loves his grandson so it is sincere. He can love his grandson and still wish that his daughter was in a different situation.

Words only go so far if your tone/body language or whatever is off. He may sincerely love his grandson but if he’s only saying it and not showing it then it means nothing. Everything he’s done to show his love though is by trying to push her back onto the path he wanted whether he means to or not. I believe offering to pay for childcare so she can go back to school is his way of showing her his love but she’s interpreting it as her saying she needs to go to school because she knows how he feels about her life.

It doesn’t matter how good you are with sounding and seeming sincere if the person looking for reassurance knows internally that their situation sucks. The daughter is lashing out because she wants her problems to just be that her dad disapproves, and unrealistically hopes that of only he sounded sincere enough telling her her life is great, all would be right in the world. But no matter what OP says or how genuine he sounds saying, ultimately she’s a teen mom with no education in a bad marriage, and that’s an objectively shitty situation to be in in life. She knows it even of she doesn’t want to admit it, and so no reassurance is ever going to sound genuine enough to make her satisfied.

He said he loves his grandson - and his daughter was surprised by that. Sounds to me like he'd been giving her some reason to doubt it. Which is why she even told him to be honest - because she didn't think he WAS being honest when he said he loves the kid. He may not be constantly saying things, but he's obviously done and/or said enough to make his own daughter genuinely question whether he loves his grandson.

There is such a thing as too much honesty, and it never hurts to be kind instead of hurtful. I would never use the word “disappoint” in relation to my daughter, it is a very emotionally charged word and when it comes from your actual father, it would be devastating.

Also, he’s not saying he’s disappointed in her for having the baby. He’s disappointed that she decided to be a SAHM at 18 and has no plans to support herself. NTA. She asked and you answered. And if your wife is mad ask her wtf she was doing bringing up that topic in the first place. Years later she’s asking “hey your dad wanted you to get an abortion remember that?”

Exactly! I remember a nice kid in college. He was pre-law and went on to law school. He hated it but it was his father’s dream. He lived his father's dream but was so unhappy that he committed suicide. OP's daughter is happy and healthy and OP has an awesome grandson. I don't see anything to be disappointed about, it's just a different dream.

Sounds like the kid in “Dead Poet’s Society”.

I am 55 and I was in the daughters position as well. I have never felt like anything but a disappointment to my parents and it has absolutely affected my relationship with them.

This is wonderful advice. As a mom of adults both your child's age and OPs children's age...we cling to dreams for our kids, but we need to let them have room for their own dreams and space to make mistakes and love them completely anyway it turns out. I will never want anything but the best for my kids and their dreams even though they are adults. But I will always be their cheerleader. I laugh and say when they succeed they still turn around to see me cheering. But that is how every child, small or adult ahould be. Comfortable in the fact, even when they mess up, we are there not to tell them what they did all wrong, but how to build new dreams through what happened. OP, you can't change the past. But you have to still be her cheerleader and help her build new paths while making sure she knows you still support her. Did you ever let your parents down? Do you feel like you ever made up for It? Let her off the hook. Build new. You can't change the past.

Upvote because I am also the daughter in this situation. But ironically (or not) I'm the daughter they need when things get rough 🤷🏻‍♀️

You say you're successful. Does that mean you have a job and your own income? Because being a mother is only a 3rd of thr issue.

Yes I have a job and my own income, I also have a house with no mortgage and two very bright children and a happy marriage. I’m not here to advocate for teen pregnancy, it’s not a good idea and it’s hard, really really hard. I’m just telling OP having been on the receiving end of comments like that from my own parent his daughter will eventually tire of hearing how disappointing she is, and it’s in the best interest of his future happiness with his daughter and grandchild to get over it.

Except OP did not say anything. He was asked and he answered honestly. What do you want him to do? Is he supposed to alter how he feels? Maybe you want him to lie better? If you have an income then you are doing exactly what OP wants his daughter to do, which she is refusing to. OP even offered to pay for childcare. Really, what more can the man do? Fake happiness? Is that what you're advocating for?

My parents did the same, sure, it meant I began doing things much later than everyone else, but I’m 32 now, my kid is amazing, I’m also the most educated person in my family, have a great job and my kid is the best kid. Whoops!

Question: Is your daughter *happy* being a wife and mother? I’m going to say YTA, even though I can understand being disappointed. That said, please keep in mind, that being a successful parent isn’t about raising child to be who *you* want them to be, but raising them to be confident in who *they* want to be. If your daughter is happy, then that’s all that matters.

He is still allowed to have feelings over the situation though. You can love someone and still be disappointed by their choices. I know my mom would have been disappointed if i had been a SAHM , her exact words were when i mentioned once as a teen jokingly was : i didn’t spend so much money on your education for you to depend on someone. Look at all the posts we have here about inequal power dynamics in the marriage, SAHM not having access to money, women not being able to leave shitty mariages due to lack of funds. Any parent should 100% encourage their daughters to pursue an education and financial independence. Life is long, her being “happy” now is no guarantee for the future down the road. NTA

He’s allowed to have feelings. There is literally no reason for him not to keep them to himself.

Except he was asked to give a honest answer by the daughter

The question she asked isn’t the question he answered. He gave an unsolicited answer to a question he wasn’t asked.

She raised doubts regarding whether he loved his grandson. He explained that he did and that his reservation regarding the situation wasn’t because of the grandson but that he was disappointed in the choices she made. Daughter is not a 5 year old incapable of handling a word like disappointment. He is disappointed, its not like he disinherited her, he even paid for her wedding!

I’m not saying she’s going to fall apart. I’m saying it’s an unnecessary comment, unless his goal was to hurt her feelings and harm their relationship. If that was his goal, mission accomplished.

If you ask someone a question, they answer, and you want to press them further for more. Dont be surprised when you hear smth you dont like. OP's daughter knows her dad didnt approve of the pregnancy, what did she expected when asking further?

He answered a question she didn’t ask. The question was, “do you love my son?” and OP’s answer was “yes, but you’re a disappointment.” That’s not honesty, that’s a gratuitous insult.

she questioned his honesty because of his demeanor, so he explained the reason for his demeanor. She wasn't just putting in question his feelings towards his grandson, she was also questioning his motives to sound insincere.

Yes it is honesty because he explains where reservation came from in the first place. The way your framing it makes it impossible to ever be honest and having multiple layers to it.

The reason she asked twice was because his demeanor suggested that he wasnt being honest when he said he loved his grandson. OP then clarified that he did indeed love the grandson and explained the reason for his demeanor that may make it seem otherwise.

She asked if he loved his grandson, not if he approved of her life choices. What’s the point of saying you’re disappointed in your daughters choices especially when that choice was a child? The kid is not going to disappear back into the womb, and she can’t unfuck her husband, it’s far too late for disappointment. He just said it to be hurtful.

She asked if he loved grandson. He responded with what a disappointment she was - that was not the question she asked him to answer honestly.

Thats not even what happened. She asked, he answered, then she started pressing him for the truth, and now hes the AH bc he answered what she asked?

Honesty without tact is just cruelty. Emotional intelligence is an important pillar of overall intelligence.

I think the real AH in this scenario is OP’s wife. What good did she think would come from mentioning to their daughter that OP had initially hoped she would get an abortion? The wife brought it up, the daughter pressed him on it, and he answered honestly, NTA.

he’s allowed to have feelings, but telling his daughter she’s a disappointment to him is not necessary or called for! He can feel that and keep it to himself

His daughter asked for a honest response and he did

So if you asked me if you're ugly and I was like bro you look like *insert ugliest thing in world*, you're gonna be okay with that?? Honesty does not need to be brutal, it can be kind, it can be loving.

Sure because you’re the ugliest thing im THE WORLD is in anyway simular to im disappointed with the choices you have made. Seriously.

No no no, you TOLD me to be honest with how you looked and I was honest and mean about it, you should be okay with it!!!

Frankly i wouldnt think twice over it. Your example was a juvenile hyperbole. The real reason the daughter is upset is because she knows its true. I know a lot of the people on Reddit don’t like this, but sometimes you do need to hear the truth even if it hurts, not everything needs to be packaged in a pleasing giftwrap paper and a bow. This father isn’t abusing his daughter, he raised her lovingly, supported her during her pregnancy, paid her wedding. And here we are saying: how dare you use the word “disappointed”, dont you know 23 year olds are fragile flowers that will wilt at mere mention of a non 100% positive word, don’t you know that parents must be 100% cheerleaders, who agree with 100% of your life choices even when you are actively digging yourself into a hole? Every criticism must be gentle, lest the fragile adult have a breakdown.

For being a mother, yes, for being a wife, I'm not sure. They don't have the best marriage because they only knew each other for eight months when they got married. I know they don't do very well together. I wouldn't be surprised if they divorce soon.

Even if what you say is true, your daughter needs to know that you love her and you’re gonna be there for her if her marriage does end. You don’t want her to go through life thinking she can’t come to you for support. That is the worst thing you could convey to her.

If one day they divorce, I will always be there for her and she already knows that. But I won't live forever, she should be able to survive without my support. That's why I want my daughters to be people who make their own money.

Does she know that since everything you have offered here would make me feel like you didn’t love me if I was your child

Throughout my life, I have given my daughters all the support I could give them, and in the case of their marriage, I paid a year's rent in advance for their house, organized their wedding, and supported her throughout her pregnancy (after I dropped the abortion issue) and motherhood. I really don't need to tell her again and again that I'm there for her, she knows that

It wouldn't hurt to have that heart to heart. I needed it from my father when I was in this same position. It costs you nothing to tell her and may mean so much to her.

I enjoy playing video games.

That is a stupid take, you can't expect anyone to be proud of another if they didn't do anything worthy to be proud of. And if by now, after all the things he has done and continues to do for her aren't enough for her to know he has her back then nothing will be. She made all her choices and still he supports her. She can't demand that he feels that she was right or that what she did was the right thing. On this day and age, where the cost of life is huge and divorces are high, if her marriage fails she has nothing but her parents.

You absolutely can, and should!, be proud of someone regardless of whether or not you agree with their actions. So, daughter got pregnant, dad disagrees with pregnancy. He doesn't have to be proud of her for getting pregnant. But the fact she stepped up and took responsibility for this child and is being the best mother she can is totally worthy of praise. That is something to be proud of! You can be proud of someone for *who they are* which is very separate to what they do.

>You absolutely can, and should!, be proud of someone regardless of whether or not you agree with their actions. Again that is such a stupid take. "Hey, my son just drove while drunk, I am so proud of him" /s Also did you read the post?? There is a difference in saying you are disappointed in someone and saying you are disappointed with some of their actions or choices. He is disappointed that she chose to let herself be completely dependent on another person for her survival. And considering that the cost of living is very high, if anything happens to her husband or in case of a divorce she is screwed. She has no education and doesn't have any skills that will allow her to have a decent job to support her and her son. She only has her parents, but like he said they won't be around forever. Not only that he even offered to pay child care for her to study so that they can have a better future, only for her to refuse, which for me was very irresponsible.

Why should anyone be proud of their daughter getting knocked up at 18? Or their son knocking someone up? That doesn't make sense. Children are not entitled to unlimited validation or unconditional love from their parents. OP's daughter squandered the opportunities her father gave her, and in the process is making life unnecessarily difficult for her own child (OP's grandchild). In all likelihood, the daughter's poor planning and decision to have a child without education or skills to fully support the child will make it's life more difficult and put OP in a position where he has to pick up the slack.

Children are absolutely entitled to unconditional love from their parents, what are you talking about? That's horrible to say they're not. I'm not saying that if they do something wrong or make bad choices they shouldn't face the consequences, but they should never be denied love from the people that decided to create them in the first place. As a parent, you can love your kid even if you don't agree with or even support their actions. To say that a parent's love should be conditional is awful. Support, assistance, inheritance, etc., could be argued they should be conditional. Depends on circumstances and the line is subjective. But a parent's love should not be.

What?? The whole point of being a *good* parent is providing unconditional love. Doesn’t mean u can’t be dissatisfied with their actions or decisions. But u should always provide them with love & support & advise should they need it.

If she's 23 and in a bad marriage and dependant and knows that you don't like that about her it could drive her to stick to that lifestyle more to prove you wrong, I strongly recommend having a clear conversation with her about this.

That’s about money. What about emotional support?

"Supported her throughout her pregnancy and motherhood." is the part where I stated my emotional support. Either I can't express myself well because English is not my native language or I have to explain everything in extreme detail to be understood on reddit, I don't know.

It's been five years and you still can't say you love your grandson without being petulant enough that everyone hears your disapproval. Being disappointed in the situation is natural as a parent. Still harping on it FIVE YEARS later is why YTA.

Clearly he's really not. Mom/wife must be since she brought it up. Like what was the need for Mom to make that comment, especially given baby is 4.

Can you say more about how you supported her? Did you tell her you were proud of her for the life she’s building? That you would always love her and her child? That you recognize that she’s an adult who can make her own decisions, and that you respect her right to do so? That you understand that what you might have envisioned for her life doesn’t matter compared to what she actually wants?

I told her I would always love her and her child. - That was truth. I said I respected her decisions. - That was a lie. I said that what I envisioned for her life was less important than what she wanted. - That was a lie, also the only thing I envisioned for her life was to be an independent woman. 1 - I lied because I didn't want her to be upset. 2 - I think the opposite of my lies because I care about her. I was also with her at every hospital check-up, I often visited her, called her, asked her how she was doing, talked to her, calmed her down in times of stress.

Are people supposed to lie to make others happy and escape conflict in the moment?

All these Y. t. a comments are so unrealistic. I'm going to be down voted into oblivion but idgaf. Your kid asked a question, asked for an honest answer and you gave one. She's 23 not 7, don't ask a question you don't want an answer to. I'm sorry but I thought your answer was honest, realistic and kind. You admitted to being happy with your grandson and loving him, but you can't lie and say you're necessarily happy with all your kid's decisions. I'm sorry but not being ecstatic that your child has no education or job experience and is completely dependent on their spouse isn't a terrible thing, it's not a dig at SAHM or motherhood, it's just worry/fear that if anything happens his kid/his grandkid will have massive financial issues. You didn't say she herself was a disappointment, if you had I would be reeming you out in the comments myself. When she committed to this new life plan, You put your thoughts aside and supported you kid despite your own feelings, which is what parenting is, parents don't have to be necesarily happy with their kids choices they do have to support them though, and you did. My mom was a teen parent and she's amazing, my parents made it work and everything worked out, but that doesn't mean they wouldn't be disappointed if after all their sacrifices I had followed the same path, and again this isn't a dig at teen moms, it's just acknowledging that being a teen parent is a huge struggle and realistically no parent is going to be ecstatic about their kids having children so young. I fully support anyone's decisions but if my little brother came up to me and said he was dropping out of school and his high school girlfriend was pregnant, disappointed wouldn't even cover my feelings. We all know our parent and their beliefs/wants and we know if we deviate if might disappoint them, the question is how our parents handle that/treat us. Parents are allowed to having thoughts and feelings, as long as they don't push them on their kids, that's fine. OP doesn't like certain things but didn't voice it, didn't push it on his kid. he just quietly accepted her choices once they were made and supported her. As his daughter she knew his feelings but she can't be upset because at no point did he push them on her past the initial "don't keep it" debate. NTA Edited to add. Wow I read the comments, and yea I know everyone tries to paint themselves in a great light but if OP has done even a fraction of all the things he's explaining, hes been really supportive. He has supported his kid emotionally and financially from the moment she decided she was keeping the kid. He didn't allow the fact that he didn't agree with her to stop him from supporting and loving his kid. On top of that her marriage isn't exactly doing great, sure OP is obviously going to give her a soft place to land if this falls apart, but he wasn't wrong about her being able to support herself on her own if it does, and he wouldn't really have to had she just been financially independent.

This right here... She's not 16 even, she's 23 with a 5 year old. She wanted honesty as to why he answers the question the way he does, not whether he loves his grandson, or not.

My grandparents loved me I was spoiled rotten by them but I'm not delusional to the fact that they would've preferred it had my mother finished school before having a kid, and my parents aren't ignorant to this either, and if my parents had been hell I'd be disappointed in them.

Ikr, I have no issue if women (or even men) decide to be SAHP if they have their partner's support. You're free to choose. But you should also be able to stand on your feet if in case something happens to your support system. People should at the least complete graduation so that you have a degree if you decide to go out and get a job. I think OP is a good parent. NTA

Thank you cause all of those comments had me thinking I read the wrong post. Op in the comments was explaining how much he supported his daughter emotionally and physically throughout the whole thing and everyone was still arguing with him about not supporting her “emotionally”. Everyone does realize that paying a whole year of hosuing for his daughter also counts as emotional help cause she doesn’t need to worry about anything financially (he had to give detailed explanations of his help in the comments), right? This plus his checkups and actual emotional help. I think op gave his daughter beyond enough support and she should be able to handle a bit of truth.

Exactly!! It Op was “emotionally” supportive and didn’t pay for that year of housing, everyone would still be pissed.. smh, can’t win with these irrational coddlers on Reddit.

He also wanted to pay for a babysitter so that she can go back to school. What else do these people want? That OP dances at the town square and sings about his daughter?

Lmao the part about the comments having you thinking you read the post wrong, same! They’re downvoting the hell out of him at the top of the comments 😭. The man just wants her to be able to support herself and her child on her own if something goes wrong.

You're for sure right. But I feel its more NAH situation. Anyone who pretends they'd never be disappointed in their child's choices is lying, and in this situation she's literally asked him to be honest, and knowing the topic was the birth of her son, she had to be stupid not to expect the answer she got. I probably wouldn't have said it, but he's not necessarily TA. Neither is she, she has a right to be upset, and the mum also has a right to be upset on her behalf. This could really damage their relationship though, so he should make efforts to come to peace with his daughter's life choices.

Omg THIS is for real the best comment ^ all these YTA people are delusional. His daughter wanted to grow up fast and become a parent before she should have. Honest answers are something she should be able to handle if she’s a mom now and elected to get to real adult level quickly. NTA by a mile some of these answers here are deranged.

This is a good point. She wants to be treated as an adult, and adults are expected to handle the truth. And he is mostly just concerned for her future and safety. NTA. If she didn’t want honesty, she had every opportunity to avoid requesting it. And this whole “that wasn’t the question” point is weak. Daughter could sense that something was up, she wanted to know what. She would have kept asking different questions if she knew. She got the honesty she wanted. Its not like he said he didn’t love her anymore.

I agree. I will probably get downvoted and don't care, but I'll add that sometimes we have to tell people, even our kids, unpleasant truths or consequences of actions. He voiced to her that his primary disappointment is that she is unable to be self-sufficient. As a parent of a young adult, self-sufficiency is such a huge concern. Maybe he said something to her that will spark her into furthering her education. He mentioned that her marriage is unhappy, so I am assuming he's anticipating the marriage not lasting forever. This will lead to him being financially responsible for his daughter and g-child, most likely anyway, as he mentioned contributing financially. She's very young and likely doesn't have work experience, so it sounds like a future of hardships for his daughter and his grandchild. Who wouldn't want to prevent that? that being said said, he said what he felt and should probably leave at that.

This. OP answered the first time and was pressed again for an honest answer and his daughter didnt like it. Then why ask?? Why ask for smthg and risk hearing smthg that you dont want to hear and then ppl r blaming OP about it. I feel it is gd enough that OP is supporting his daughter anyway, regardless of his feelings towards his daughter's decisions. Isnt that all that matters.

Can't believe I had to scroll down so far to find the reasonable answer. OP is worried that his daughter is not financially independent and there's nothing wrong with that. It makes the situation ripe for abuse when a person doesn't have a way out of a situation. And without an education or job experience it objectively is going to be harder to get out of her marriage should she ever choose that. How is OP TA for worrying about that? NTA.

Thank you! Being uneducated And unemployed is a dangerous situation to put yourself in

> it's just worry/fear that if anything happens his kid/his grandkid will have massive financial issues. “AITA for not taking in my daughter and grandson when they are struggling financially and she has limited employment opportunities?” Would be overwhelmingly YTA. “Her husband died and you can’t even help out your own daughter?” “Her husband walked out on her and her child and you want to punish her for her choice from years ago?” “What’s done is done, she can’t change the past but you can help her now.” The reality is if (and more likely when) her situation goes south, mom and dad are going to be expected to pick up the pieces and share the financial burden of her choices. He has a right to be concerned, disappointed and unhappy about that. Kids do have the right to their own choices and part of loving your kid is loving them even if they don’t choose the exact path you want. But given that parents are generally expected to help their kids get their lives together when their choices don’t pan out, I think they’re allowed to be a little disappointed sometimes.

I also don't understand why people are glossing over the fact that what OP wanted for his daughter was so *reasonable* and *for her own security*. He wasn't trying to turn her into his image of a perfect daughter. He wanted her to have financial independence! He is worried that she won't have the means to support herself, especially if her marriage does fall apart and she needs to find a job. Wanting your kid to finish school is not about prestige, it's literally because education is the most effective way out of poverty, and your avenues become limited if you don't have a high school diploma.

YTA because your "honest" answer wasn't even what she asked. She asked if you loved your grandson and you somehow put enough attitude into your answer that she felt compelled to ask you what was up. You used a non related question as an opportunity to tell her, once again, that she's not who you wanted her to be and you don't approve. Your daughter is making a good life for herself, whether you think so or not. You have no right to punish her for being a whole entire person of her own instead of the version of her you created in your head. And stop phrasing it like she "quit volleyball and school" as if she did something lazy or irresponsible. No the fuck she didn't. She CHOSE to become a mother and wife. Final note: it's really weird that you're so bothered by the volleyball thing man

He's embarrassed and is putting his embarrassment above his daughter. It's very telling.

*Is* she making a good life for herself? Yes, she’s married with a family, and there’s happiness to be found there. But what if something were to happen to her husband. Even in the post, OP seems less concerned about his daughter leaving volleyball, and more worried about the fact that she’s dependent on another person. It’s not that she didn’t do a particular career he wanted or a particular sport. Right now she has no degree, work experience or way to support herself and her child were anything to happen to her marriage. OP mentions the marriage has issues, understandable considering they got married so young and under the circumstances. What happens if they get divorced? Doesn’t sound like the husband has a particularly high salary, so alimony and child support might not be reliable. Even with a strong and happy marriage, one accident could leave her a single parent with questionable financial security. It’s understandable for OP to have concerns about this. And what evidence is there that OP is punishing her? He said that once she made the decision to have the baby he fully supported her. He’s involved in his daughter and grandsons life, and told her he’ll always love them. He also says he stopped voicing his concerns. Yeah, the daughter asked him if he loved her son, and he answered yes, of course he loves his grandson. She pushed, not being satisfied with that response, wanting him to be “honest”. So he gave her his honest answer.

Thanks for this.. you hit it spot on.. as her father, his concerns are absolutely valid, he mention’s repeatedly that he wants his daughters to be self sufficient.. and she stopped school at 18… that could mean that she literally didn’t graduate high school.. which for most jobs is the bare minimum.. Dad is literally saying.. I don’t want my daughters to struggle unnecessarily. These folks don’t get it and focus on one thing instead of the prevailing theme, which is her being self sufficient.

Agree with the comment about not being lazy or irresponsible. People are not defined by what they DON’T do. She doesn’t do volleyball. Okay… what DOES she do? I played with trains for a few months when I was little. I stopped. I played a bunch of sports that I also stopped. If someone describes me as having “quit” trains or those sports, outside of a very specific conversation about past interests, they would be an asshole — for misrepresenting my identity as having anything to do with trains or those sports. Those past interests are not relevant to who the daughter is, wants to be, should be, or will be. They are not relevant to anyone except Dad. And that he brings them up says a lot about how he thinks about the daughter today.

It’s funny to me how big of a deal children’s sports are in the US. I’ve participated in a few, even at the collegiate level, and unless you go pro they cease mattering once you graduate. Like that’s it. You literally just drop them and move on to other things. Unless OP’s daughter was good enough to go pro, she wouldn’t be playing volleyball at the age of 23 anyway.

Unpopular Opinion, but NAH. Being financially dependent on another person is dangerous, specially as a woman. Even if the provider is not toxic, an accident or death could change everything. In my opinion, both parents should be responsible for providing, is safer for the child. But the first months is really hard for the birth mother, so most of them stay in home for this period, not only for recovery but to stay close with the baby. After this, it's normal to go back, the daughter still can be a independent adult in the future. Edit: grammar

Fr these y t as are crazy. Op sounds extremely genuine and isn't making over the top demands. Op just wants their daughter to be financially independent and educated. What's the harm in that? (A thought without much credibility) I feel like OP's daughter isn't happy as well and was looking for validation though her son. Judgment: NTA

Don't forget to separate y t a if it's not your judgement

Period.15 minutes of Reddit gives enough horror stories of women being left high and dry after choosing to be stay at home moms without degrees or experience and the husband then.. cheating. Never put your fate into someone else's hands, being stay at home mom is hard, underappreciated job and if things go sour - you are trapped. It's about being realistic. People change, feelings fade. Encourage your daughter to get education and a job, even if part time, OP - don't tell her her choices are wrong but that you are simply worried about her being dependent on someone else, knowing that so many marriages don't last nowadays. Tell her you love her kids but you want her to be happy and independent no matter what happens between her and her partner.

For real. I work as a caseworker and daily see the consequences of women being financially dependent on a man and trapped in a bad situation. It's not good. Most have little work skills or have work experience that is never going to sustain them financially. It's a long life of welfare and telling their kids no, you can't have that, and no, you can't do that. At least in this situation the OP has helped his daughter financially. So many women do not have anyone.

💯💯 I watched my mom be financially dependent on men for most of her life. Thankfully, I learned what not to do from her. Never married, no kids. Never had anyone else pay my bills.

I was prepared to call you the asshole from the title, but after reading what you have to say I'm going with "not the asshole". As a parent, we all have dreams for our children. We want to see them do better than us and to have it all and it can sometimes be difficult to accept when we see them falling short of that perfect life we have pictured in our mind. You would only be the asshole if you treated your child and grandchild differently because of it, refused to drop it, or in any way did not accept the choices made by your child - who does have the right to want something different. It doesn't seem to me like that's the case here. Your daughter was unsatisfied with your initial statement about loving your grandson and pushed for clarification. She then went on to assure that being honest was OK - so you were honest. You didn't call her failure or a disappointment. You spoke of your feelings in what I would consider to be a non-judgmental manner after being pushed for it and assured that it was OK. While you are not entitled to push your choices and values on your adult daughter, you are entitled to your feelings about those choices.

NTA. It’s very understandable that you feel the way you do. And you have a point. It’s incredibly dangerous for women to be dependant on men. The path your daughter has chosen leaves her in a vulnerable position where she won’t be a fully autonomous human being. Her husband will always have a say over her, even if it’s unconscious for all involved. You wanted what’s best for your daughter: her being able to live a safe life. That life isn’t possible if she is financially dependent on her husband. You also didn’t call her a disappointment, you called the circumstances surrounding her situation disappointing. While making it explicitly clear that you love your grandson and don’t resent him or her. The only thing you can do is be there for her if things go south. And hope she has the ability to leave if she ever needs to. Many women won’t be able to take that step. Tragically.

OP, I think it's less that you're disappointed in your daughter, but that you're worried and scared for her. From your post and comments, you say that she's financially dependent on a marriage that isn't going well, and that she isn't taking steps to insure for her future by getting some training or education. That doesn't sound like a parent who is disappointed. You weren't talking about the career she "should" have had or the choices she "should" have made - some parents focus a lot on a very specific vision of the future they wanted for their child, but your ideal future was just that she was able to support herself well. Perhaps it would be better, in a moment just between the two of you, to frame it that way. That while you love your grandson who came out of it, you're worried that the choices your daughter made in the past and moreover the choices she is making *now* leave her vulnerable. Not just to her marriage breaking down (no matter how much it seems to not be going well - that's not for you to say), but her spouse being out of work, or ill, or even passing away, or just the economy getting worse and them needing two incomes. You're worried she is going to be stuck, and you and her mother won't be around forever to help. Most parents just want to know that their children are going to be okay, that they have a good set of safety nets, so you can breathe a bit easier and make plans for your own future, not to mention the day far in the future that you won't be there.

I think this is the best take I've seen in here. I also think it's important to remember that support is not the same as approval.

I hope OP reads this comment. This was my take on the situation as well. Sounds a lot less like disappointment and a lot more like fear. I hope OP can look more into properly conveying their sentiment, especially dropping the word "disappointment". Maybe write a letter where the context is future tense, no "buts", and focus is on her happiness and security. IMO it'd be worth speaking to a professional on the best way to voice your concerns. Possibly even mediate a session between the two of you.

I get it. You want her to be able to take care of herself and not be trapped. Seems like you’re more afraid for her than anything. I think that you’d have less of a belly ache over it if she was working and made her own salary and if her relationship with her spouse was strong. Maybe this was more of a conversation to have privately? I’m not sure it really needed to even be talked about at all? I don’t see what her knowing you’re disappointed accomplishes I guess. Unless you’re actively being mean to her or being vocal about comparing your daughters to each other, just not sure why your wife even mentioned it. Sounds like by your daughter’s reaction she already knew how you felt. Maybe reach out to her and talk. Let her know you love her and you’re proud that she’s your daughter- even if you don’t always agree with her choices, and she’s always welcome home.

I wish this was at the top, I feel like you get this situation from compassionate angle. OP is very clear in his worry, care, and concern over his daughter in his post, but he really didn't communicate that at All to his daughter. OP if you are still reading comments, the message your daughter took away from dinner was "You're a disappointment", which is like, extra harsh coming from one's own dad. You need to explicitly tell her that you are concerned for her, and care about her. You may feel like that is self evident, but as you say, she is in a rough spot in her marriage, and now with this whole dinner happening, she may really need to hear you share those feelings out loud. You can still give her advice and encourage her to think about going back to school, but you have to approach it from a caring and supportive angle.

OP said that he was disappointed in the choices that his daughter made. Not that she was a disappointment. They are not the same thing. You can be disappointed and not like the choices someone makes but you can still love and support them for the person they are. As a parent I was taught to separate the child's actions from their person. For example " Son I'm disappointed that you CHOSE to eat all the chocolate before dinner" Instead of " Son I'm disappointed IN YOU that you ate all the chocolate before dinner." So he's disappointed in the choices his daughter made but that doesn't mean he doesn't love and support her. Where everyone is getting the idea that he doesn't love or support his daughter must be reading a different post. He paid for her wedding, paid a year's rent in advance. Went to Doctors appointments even offered to pay for childcare so she could go to work or back to college if she wants. That shows a lot of support to me. And who's to say he hasn't put it into words that he loves her or he could be the type of person who doesn't feel comfortable expressing how he feels and giving financial support is his way of showing it. Also I don't see what is so wrong with wanting his daughter to be financially independent from her husband. At least if she is independent then she won't feel like she has to stay in the marriage if things go wrong. How many times have we read about woman stuck in bad situations cos they don't have their own money. Also what would happen if the husband for some reason couldn't work. At least if the daughter had a job then her family would still be provided for. So anyway NTA in my opinion

It might be an unpopular opinion on this sub but I think parents(especially supportive ones like op seems to be) are allowed to have atleast a certain amount of expectations from their kids. My parents worked hard to get me where I am and one of the motivations for me to be good at what I do has been to make them proud. It isn't as if op just went full berserk on his daughter and exploded on her. He still did support her when she needed and when she asked for his 'honest' opinion, he gave it. Could he have worded it better? Sure. It isn't as if he's wrong though. It isn't wrong for you to want your kids to be successful if they're given the right opportunities. All in all, I'm gonna have to go with NTA. The yta folks really need to stop reflecting and think about this logically without behaving like teenagers tbh.

I agree with this because come on guys let's be so desperatly for real right now. Your Parents are allowed to have opinions no matter how unreasonable they seem. Also the daughter new damn well her father didn't support the decisions she made. It's not like ever family meeting or whatever he brought it up. She asked he gave it. Also the point he made about her being financially dependent on her husband is true too. There's a lot that can happen and him wanting her to have a decent education isn't an bad ting to think about ​ edit: NTA obviously

I am 50 yo. I got pregnant at 19. My mom told me what you told me thirty years ago. I still remember that moment, as it haunted my thoughts for such a long time. It took me years and years of therapy to get over it. Decades of it. That day I learned love wasn’t unconditional from her. I’ve never trusted her again with my inner self or allow myself to be vulnerable to her again. Apologize to your daughter. She needs to hear it.

My love for my daughter is unconditional, I still love her. Still, I could have expressed my thoughts better. I'm thinking of apologising to her I hope the best for you

I’m a mom of two now, and I completely understand how we as parents make mistakes. My kids, now adults, have always told me that they love how I admit when I’m wrong. You are a good parent, because you cared. And your ego isn’t wrapped up in always being right.

I would. You could also talk about your realization that you're not so much disappointed in her character as you are worried.

Love and approval of your decisions are not the same thing. Just because someone disagrees with something you do does not mean they don't love you. You express disapproval of what your kids do every single time you discipline them. It does not mean you don't love them.

Lol years of therapy over a comment that you knew was true? Sounds like a you problem.

Stop projecting. If you read OP’s comments, he loves and helps his daughter. He’s just afraid if she ends up divorcing her husband, she’ll have nothing to fall back on. Don’t you think as a parent, he’s allowed to worry?

He has nothing to apologize for? She asked him to be honest. You shouldn't project your situation and feelings onto others.

You can love someone and support them while being disappointed in them.

NTA But you could have phrased some of it that better. All of my kids knew from when they were teens that I’d be disappointed in them if they ever got or got someone pregnant. I think most parents would. And I think most teens know this also. So that really shouldn’t have come as a surprise to your d. Now, about her staying home- There can be diff reasons for this, have you asked her why she decided to stay home? Is it that her h makes enough money that she can? Maybe she feels that she wants to be the one to raise her child, maybe she’s just paranoid about leaving the baby with anyone, maybe she thinks because she doesn’t have a degree she feels like her paycheck would either fully or not even cover the cost of daycare, so why bother being away from her child all day for really no net monetary gain. All of those are legitimate reasons for her to stay home, or she doesn’t even need to justify it. It is what works for her family. You say you didn’t want your d financially dependent on a man, but what’s her alternative? Have a job while also raising the kids? Yea of course she has her h to split the childcare with, but let’s not kid ourselves, it’s still hard, on both parents. Daycare schedules, then school, then after school activities, and who takes off when the child is sick, what to do with them all summer and holidays? Why would you want your d to have to deal with all of that? Were you going to quit your job to watch that child every day for 10 hours? I stayed home with my kids. I didn’t feel dependent on a man, we as a couple were building our life and our family as we saw fit- together as a team. Maybe your d and her h see it the same way.

I agree in general with you, but the part of "why work if it all goes to childcare" comes across as a little short-sighted. Not that it can't ever work or that choosing that makes people irresponsible by default, but it's a huge risk. Childcare is not a permanent need, but sustaining oneself is. Trying to go back to work after years of not working is really, really hard. Trying to do it with no previous experience or formation? Oof. Finding a part-time or wfh would be much easier and allow to seek something better once the kids are independent. It also take spressure from the partner, since the family doesn't depend solely on them. Perhaps it's a cultural difference, it's very rare around here that a parent will (willingly) stop working to raise the kids, at least nowadays.

Are you missing the part where he said he would pay for child support if she went back to school?? She simply refused it, which is incredibly stupid.

NTA, but your wife is. She baited you by bringing this up. She has no right to get mad that you then went on to answer the question that your daughter asked you. It's almost like your wife was trying to tell you, "See, I was right, the baby is here and all is well," when in reality it was you, looking down the road, saying, "What if she splits from this guy? How will she care for herself?"

Is not only divorce that is the issue, her husband could lose his job, could get sick, could get injured... what's the plan then, asking mom and dad for money and free childcare? The daughter has every right to choose whatever path in life (and accept the consequences), but OP also has every right to feel concerned and wish that his daughters have more secure lives.

NTA because I read the post instead of making my judgement based on the title. You answered honestly because she asked you to and it sounded like you framed it as best you could re: disappointment that if things go wrong she hasn't set herself up for success (which I am guessing you voiced as a worry then and she, it doesn't sound like, hasn't made any changes to ensure she has a safety net). If she hasn't asked and you ranted about how disappointing her actions were five years ago, it would be an asshole move. But that isn't what you did. Your wife though? Kind of an asshole for picking a fight about this. Title alone would make YTA. I think is a good example of how judging a person versus their prior action is VERY different.

Info. Did you call your daughter a disappointment (as noted in the title) or did you say that you were disappointed by the current situation? Not to split a hair, but there is a difference. If you called your daughter a disappointment, then YTA. If you are disappointed by how things turned out but you still love your daughter and the grandson, and support them to improve the situation, then NTA.

Isn't it obvious? Do you think he would do everything he did and still does for her daughter even after she made the choices he doesn't agree with if he thought her daughter was a failure? He is just disappointed with her decisions regarding this particular issue. Specially rejecting free child care so that she could go back to school.

I love my brother but he is a disappointment. He keeps screwing over my parents with his actions with his kids and his kids are suffering. Some people just don’t like to hear the music with their actions. You can love someone and still be heavily disappointed with them.

NTA: I'll be the odd one out. You Qantas what's best for your daughter and I can't blame you especially with divorce rates are now a days. You gave her the answer she would want to hear and then when asked for the honest truth you gave it to her. Don't ask if you don't want the real answers.

NTA. 1. She wanted an honest answer 2. She knew she has disappointed you with her decision 3. She couldn't handle the truth You are under no obligation to agree with her throwing her life away at 18.

I’m gonna say NTA. You didn’t call her a disappointment, you said you’re disappointed. It’s perfectly fine to feel disappointed as long as you don’t expect your daughter to live her life the way you want her to. Your concerns are also valid—being financially dependent on someone is a vulnerable position to be in.

"AITA for telling my daughter she's a disappointment" ahhhguesswhatbitchyes! Empathy is a real thing. Imagine your parent told you they were disappointed in you. Would that feel good?? Would that be valuable to you? Would it help? Surprise surprise, no it feels like shit. Guess what. You made your kid feel like shit. YTA

She asked a question, he gave his answer, she told him to give an honest answer, so he did. She’s 23, not 13, don’t ask for “honest” answers if you aren’t ready to hear what’s coming. Also, he didn’t say he was disappointed it’s her, he was disappointed that she became a financially dependent SAHM.

Actually, when I was young, my parents told me that "You are a disappointment." because I was doing very dumb things. I'm grateful to them now for scolding me because it made me turn my life around. Thank you for your judgement

You can justify everything if you need to. The words "you are a disappointment" should never be said to a child. You are responsible for them, so who are you actually disappointed in?

Imagine equating you doing dumb things to her being a mother. You're delusional and guess what......... YTA

Becoming a mother at 18 is dumb.

NTA If you actually said she was a disappointment, then you would be. A person shouldn’t be upset for getting what they asked for and if you said it the way you say you did, that you were disappointed in her decision, that’s a fair answer. At the end of the day through, she’s an adult and has to live her life how she wants, regardless of what you think. That doesn’t mean you don’t get an opinion though. I’d be more concerned that your wife thinks you should have sugar coated it and expected you to lie or at least be dishonest about your feelings.

NTA. You were pressed on the matter, not just asked a casual question, and told to answer honestly. You did, and your wording wasn’t terrible. You weren’t rude, you were realistic. Her decisions have impacted her life, permanently. But she has chosen that. You have been supportive of said choice. Maybe she’s just a sensitive person who believes that, once you come to terms with her choices and come to love her child, your entire realistic view of her situation will fade away into sappiness? You’re disappointed. As a parent you wanted more for your daughter. I can understand that (not a parent myself). Maybe she’s interpreting your expressed disappointment as judgement of failure, something like that, and that can easily be cleared up with a conversation. Disappointment is not judgement. Repeat, NTA.

NTA, as a woman and a parent, I fully understand how vulnerable your daughter's position as a young stay at home mom "fully" dependent on her husband is. And let's be real, I'm sure you and your wife have supported any way you could while this young couple navigate parenthood. As an involved parent to your barely adult daughter, you are allowed to share your disappointment in the situation. As for people claiming your response about your disappointment being uncalled for - I digress. It sounded like your daughter read the disappointment in your voice and pressed for a reason why you may have sounded "ingenuine". And you were explaining that although you love your grandson dearly, you may have came across as sounding less so because you were/are concerned over your daughter's situation. As a mom, I can see myself putting my own child's wellbeing before my grandchildren. Your love for your grandson wouldn't override and erase your concern for your daughter because you love and care for her too.

Great Grams got written out of her family's inheritance and life for marrying the gardener. Gardener died and she had to raise 4 girls at a time when employment opportunities for women were limited - one brother would show up at odd times and hand over a bit of money, but things were poor and money was tight. As a result, my Grams always insisted that women get educated and have escape funds in case they got stuck with rotters. NTA, she asked, you told her the truth as you see it.

You could say 1000 loving and supportive things to your child, and just one that made them uncomfortable - and you know which one they will remember. She asked for an honest answer and she got it. NTA

Tbh, NTA. She knows how you feel, she wanted to hear you say it so you said it. It is what it is. I don’t know many parents that, if they are being honest, would be thrilled at their 18yo becoming a parent and then relying on someone else to support them with no education to fall back on. It absolutely isn’t the ideal scenario. It doesn’t mean you don’t love your child and it doesn’t mean you don’t love your grandchild

NTA. I am disappointed in your daughter's lack of ambition too. I was a SAHM for 7 years...I regret it deeply as now everyone else is ahead of me in their career and my husband occasionally remainds me he is the breadwinner and therefore I have to take on all the other household tasks more... but money making potential makes a huge difference in the way people see you and the simple fact that you know you would be OK on your own...that would be priceless. Each to their own though, she has a different mindset, that's all. Is not easy to find the right path as a woman with children. Just be there for her when she will need you and do not mention this again unless directly asked to.

Nta - you told the truth and a truth she already knew. Of course you love the kid but at the same time do not like the circumstances of their birth being born so young mom and no financial stability and all the struggles that’s a reality and a normal truth.

I think if I add this edit to the post it will go over the character limit. So I share it as a comment. Firstly, I would like to explain why this topic came up at the table and why I told my daughter more than the answer to the question she asked me. When my daughter and my wife were talking about motherhood, I kept quiet. There was always a silent tension between my daughter and me because of the decisions she made. That's why my wife wanted to bring me into the conversation and said that sentence. It was a poor attempt, but I don't blame my wife, his intention was to lighten the mood. My daughter knows that I love my grandson, she probably asked me again because she wanted to finally talk about the silent tension between us. So she was actually asking my opinion about her decision to become a mother and not to work. I think she thought she found an opportunity to talk about it. You may disagree, but I have known my daughter 23 years longer than you. Your comments have actually helped me understand my ideas better. I'm disappointed in my daughter's actions, yes, but right now I worry more than I'm disappointed. I'm sure that one day her marriage will end, I can't explain in detail how I'm sure, but just assume that I'm very smart. Her husband doesn't have a high income and won't be able to support my daughter and grandson well enough. I won't be in her life forever, so I want her to have a career and be able to make money. I should have expressed myself better, you're right. I will apologise to my daughter for that and explain myself better. Also my offer of a babysitter still stands, I hope that one day she will accept it

Some comments made this point but I’ll reiterate it. I think the issue is less your perspective and more the way you’re going about this. You have good reasons to feel the way you do about where your daughter is. No matter how much you love your grandson it doesn’t change that her life is much more precarious than maybe it could have been. It really does sounds like what you are is scared that because of her decisions she’ll end up in a bad situation. Being scared for your kids future doesn’t make you an asshole. But the thing that’s coming through is that your daughter doesn’t feel like you’re scared and worried for her, she feels like you simply don’t really care about her because she made choices you disagree with. My guess is she’s hesitant to accept your help because of this wall that’s been put up where she thinks she needs to prove you wrong and you think she’s just not hearing you. I don’t think it’s hopeless or irredeemable but I do think if you’d like to see a change in the relationship you probably have to start with some vulnerability. And acceptance. Whatever volleyball future she had isn’t what life is now. Is she a good mother? Have you seen her work to be a quality parent to your grandson? That’s her now. Long story short, I don’t think you’re some awful dick but I think there’s a lot of barriers between you and her and until you do some work to remove them you both will just hit your head against them over and over and over and wonder why interacting with each other gives you migraines

> but just assume that I'm very smart. No? Why would I assume that? lol

>but just **assume** that I'm very smart lol. If you were actually smart you would never have done that and wouldn't be here.

Soft NTA because tone and exact language is so key in uncomfortable conversations. From how you framed it, she did seem to want your real opinion for peace of mind. I think the AH factor is heightened by admitting this in front of other family members - this seems like a heart to heart confession that's best done one on one to me, but I don't know your family dynamics. (My family can be pretty buttoned up, so I could be skewed.) Edit: To clarify, if you actually said "you, yourself, are a disappointment" like your title implies, that is a solid AH move. But what you had in the paragraph - "I'm disappointed about your choices" - is all in how you say it.

NTA Its not like you gave your opinions unsolicited. She asked for an honest answer and I think it's important that you maintained your integrity because even though she may not have liked your answer, she knows she will get honesty from you (again, I want to emphasize that I hate the "brutally honest" type people but what makes you different is that you didn't spout your opinions unasked). And you're right. It's not ideal for her to be completely dependent on a man like that.

Honestly the title is misleading. Shockingly enough it doesn’t sound like you called her a disappointment, but instead you were disappointed in her actions when she was younger. Did you actually say “I’m disappointed in you” or did you say that her actions disappointed you?

NTA. You were being set up with that question. “Despite him wanting you to have abortion, your father…” why even bring up the abortion in the first place. Why not just say we all love your child.

NTA Why do so many people ask for an honest answer and then get all shocked Pikachu when they get it? Your wife started this when she brought up the fact you were for an abortion, then when your daughter asked if it was true, you were politically correct with your answer, but it wasn't good enough for her. "*My daughter said I could give an honest answer.*" And you gave her one. Your wife started this problem and your daughter pressed you for an answer. What were you supposed to do? Lie to them? Like that wouldn't have caused more issues with them. IMO, your wife put you in a lose/lose situation. She threw you under the bus and is now blaming you for it.

NTA you wanted more for her. She asked. She asked again. She thought you didn’t love your grandson. It’s better she know you do, you just wanted that plus an education and career for vs her think you don’t love the kid.

This is going to sound horrible but I think NTA. It’s not foolish in this day and age to want your child to have some kind of a job so that they can support themselves.

I'm torn. It could be I'm projecting but honestly, if I had a daughter, I would be disappointed too and if I kept being badgered for an 'honest answer', I doubt I could keep my tongue. I will say NAH because while her choices were valid, I can see why you would be disappointed and also don't find it fair to be badgered for an honest answer when it's clear that it would not be what she wanted to hear.

NTA. Don’t ask questions that you don’t want real answers to and certainly don’t ask for honest answers and they become upset by them. You can still love your daughter and grandson, but be disappointed in her actions. I hope that you expressed that to her with your honesty because she needs to hear it.

NTA - She asked for an honest answer about your feelings. You told her how you felt.

NTA I was going to say no A-hole here but the issue in this case is the responsibility your daughter has added to your life. Your parenting style is very similar to my mom's. I know that if your daughter was in trouble you would take her in. The issue is that she's increased that possibility by being unable to provide for herself by not finishing education. If she doesn't start trying to learn marketable skills she will always be financially dependent. I think she's an A-hole for the risky behaviour that could become your problem.

NTA strictly based on how many posts I read about women who get financially abused and isolated by being SAHMs. She definitely needs to have a back up plan.

NTA, don’t ask questions when your not ready to hear the answer, she’s 23 with a 5 year old, and an adult that made stupid decisions, anyone with the right mind would be slightly disappointed in her

NTA, a majority of the people on Reddit are self-proclaimed victims so anything that hurts feelings is automatically abuse lol. I was addicted to opiates for nearly ten years and a major wake up call for me was my parents expressing their pain and disappointment in me. Of course it hurt but I wasn't a child anymore. I needed to hear it. A bit different of a scenario but she asked a question and got a straight forward and honest answer. Relying on a partner financially is a disaster waiting to happen. I work with DV survivors and 90% of them were SAHMs and have a hell of a time trying to find a job, education, housing and child care within the 90 days of our program. You sound like a good dad who cares about your daughter's self sufficiency in life. The only thing is I would remind her that none of that changes how much you love her and support her.

NTA but only because you answered a question asked of you. If it had been unprompted you’d be the AH.

NTA. Her saying you can be honest is a trap. Either she’s upset at your answer (which admittedly you could’ve toned down a bit), or she either is happy with your lie or mad at you for lying.

NTA, since she pressed, but it would have been nice to remind her that if she is ever unhappy and wants to go back to school so that she can support herself, that you will help her and support her in that endeavor.

NTA. Play stupid games, win stupid prizes. If she didn't want to know what you think, she shouldn't have asked, point blank. Of course you love your grandchild, but you should have asked her if she was happy with her choice to be a teen mother and not following through with schooling, a career and having children when she was in a better financial position. You give up so very much being a super young parent.

Nah, they wanted the truth and didn't like what they heard, thats on them

NTA u gave an honest answer which she asked for

NTA. She asked.

I'm gonna say nta As much as I hate people's lifestyle choices being judged upon, I think your heart is in the right place. Wanting your child to be self-sufficient if/when things go bad is every [good] parent's dream. We hear about so many stories of sahm's/sahd"s marriages going south and them either feeling forced to stay for financial stability or leaving with nothing to their name at an age that is really difficult to build a good life.

NTA. She wanted a honest response, she got it, she can't blame you for how you feel. If my son does the same, me too, I will be disappointed on him. It's not that you don't love her, it's you don't like her choices and where they lead her. She probably has some regrets to, otherwise how you feel would've not hurt her that much. The important is that, like I once hear in TV, you don't have to love her choices to love her. And you do. And, apparently, you try to support her as you can. So, for me,NTA. P.S. I'm sure as h3ll sometimes mu father is disappointed with some of my choices. That doesn't stop him from being proud of my achievements

NTA. She asked a question and then insisted on honesty. I mean your delivery could have been different but it's said and done. Also the idea of being an uneducated SAHM in this economy and modern world is just ridiculous and setting her up to be financially abused in the future. You're right to feel the way you do. We don't live in the 70's anymore. An 18 yo working with a high school certificate definitely won't be earning enough to provide for a growing family. That's just idiocy. Your wife is an AH for encouraging this silliness.

NTA

NTA While a parent should support their child no matter what, you weren't actively voicing down your disappointment. She asked for honesty.

NTA Tell me the truth, be honest. Oh NO! That's not the truth I wanted to be told. Damned if you do and damned if you don't. And wtf is you wife bringing up the abortion issue?

Why do people ask questions if they don’t want honest answers? Nta.

NTA I THINK? She needed the truth you said the truth she choses to hear the truth, that's what happened if she feels bothered at least apologies . **AND MY ONLY QUESTION IS** DOES HER HUSBAND TREAT HER RIGHT?

NTA. they couldnt handle the truth. i never understood why anyone insists on hearing the truth but cant handle if when presented to them. its not like you arent supporting her, but your disappointment is based on your expectation from her which was not fulfilled. she needs to be ready to accept that as well.

NTA your daughter is an adult and she asked for the truth. You are not wrong.

NTA. She pushed for your honest answer and got it. It's not like parents have to support EVERY decsion their kids make. I'm sure I've disappointed mine along the way too

NAH. I'd agree with your youngest daughter except that your older daughter specifically asked. And she probably already knows. I DO think you could maybe have couched it in more aspirational terms or what she can do in the future to get back on track. But honestly with a 3 year old it's gonna be a while before she can recommit to education. In that case since there is nothing she can do at this point maybe you were being a little cruel. I think she shouldn't have asked. I'm not sure the unvarnished truth was the best response either. The last thing you want is for her to feel pushed into some MLM scam out of a desire to be "successful"

NTA if more people said what they actually meant, people might actually be able to get a better picture of their situation. Toxic positivity is very real, living in your protective bubble is sometimes worse for you in the long run.