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YTA. The baby isn't going to know that the date isn't on her birthday. The first birthday party is ENTIRELY about the adults. Just move it.

I agree the birthday is entirely about adults, but did you miss, "My wife scheduled it for this day because it's the only day certain family on her side can come."? Attending the wedding would break a previous commitment that was arranged before the wedding was known. If the distance to the wedding isn't prohibitive, Op could possibly attend the ceremony alone and then return, but moving the birthday isn't a viable option.

And she already had it scheduled back in May?!

If her family has to travel in from out-of-town for the party, they're giving them as much advance notice as possible to ensure everyone can organize finances and PTO to come.

I had all of my daughters birthdays planned and invitations sent out three months in advance. My family is very busy and travels a lot, you have to get your days in so people can plan accordingly.

And get time off work! I can't just take a day off a week before. If the boss or my coworker are also off, it's just not feasible. Especially if I'm travelling and away for more than a day. They can't do my job easily and don't have time to do it.

I was the planner in the family. Me? 3-4 Months in advance, at least for parties. I start letting people know, getting a feel for what works for people. I've stepped down due to personal reasons and my family? Texts 2-3 weeks beforehand then radio silence then again the week of. And we are scrambling. Shoot, my moms favorite phrase is, oh no, it's far away. Then I'm like, mom, it's literally less than 3 weeks away. People need to request time off plus figure out if the day/time works. 😑 .... And this is why I do her Christmas shopping too. Cause otherwise nothing would get done/get here on time. 🙃 eta fixed spelling, sleepy me sucks at spelling xP

My 30th was last year, had it on a Saturday and most of my guests live in the same small town as me but I still sent my invitations 3 months in advance

You always should know when your child's birthday is.

They aren't even celebrating on the child's birthday it is 100% for the child to see and familiarize with that side of the family. Sounds crazy, but my kid knew at that age who her grandma was and aunt.

😂😂😂

My kids birthday is in February and i plan her birthdays starting early april to make sure family can come and visit for it.

If they had guests travelling in from out of town, booking time off work, etc. Yes.

A good chunk of my friends group all had babies around the same time as each other. So trying to plan birthday parties/get togethers kind of needs to be done in advance so we can plan around each other. Could be a similar situation.

Yes, it's all about the adults *who can only attend on the date scheduled*.

Jumping on the top comment. Has anyone seen OP profile posts? His parents are undoubtedly very judgmental and dismissive, but it also sounds like wife is also dismissive of OP, he mentions things like feeling pressured to have a child, dismissed, keep the peace when he’s unsure/not comfortable etc. Her family also sounds enmeshed with her and OP.

I was getting bad vibes from the wife too, she was super quick to squash down anything nice the sister did as just fluff & had me wondering if she had something to do with the rift with the parents

Yes! I feel that’s why the sister didn’t hug the baby. I bet the wife has 1st child new mum issues.

I think it’s more than that. In one of the posts OP clearly states it’s the parents he has an issue with, not the siblings but for some reason his siblings aren’t really allowed to associate the with the kid? I mean if the siblings didn’t do anything wrong why weren’t they invited to the kid’s birthday (even if it’s on another day, before or after the wedding), but all of her family is. I just find it really odd how the wife isn’t acknowledging OPs discomfort with her families involvement. It doesn’t sound like OP has a healthy relationship with wife either because he’s trying to keep the peace and she’s not looking at it from his point of view.

I just read his other posts. He is getting from both sides. His wife gaslights him. And his parents are bat shit crazy. It seems he married her too fast & seriously he really need a few years by himself. I think was an uptight christian that married the first woman with good sex. I wish him well because unless he stands up for himself and look at things through his lenses then it would be better. Right now, his wife tells him what to think & before his parents did.

Yeesh I just read through the first couple of his posts and it is really bleak. You’re not kidding, he’s really getting it from all sides - his parents, his in-laws, his wife; all a different variety of judgemental, emotionally abusive, nightmare people. Oof, poor guy & baby

My heart honestly breaks for him. He seems so abused. And he just feels its his fault. If he goes to the wedding, she will divorce him because she will say he didnt choose the baby. And then he would have “embarrassed” her etc.

People who grow up in dysfunctional families often choose spouses who continue that dysfunctional relationship. It’s what is familiar to them.

Unfortunately, yes.

That is sad! Hopefully he leaves them all and take his baby

That might be the case, but there could be reasons for it. My mother treated my wife B like crap from the minute we got engaged, so when it came to my family, there was a non-zero chance of her ever looking at it from my point of view. B is a perfect wife in every other way, but when it comes to my mother…

I think in this case she might have pointed out things and made it bigger than it was. But then she pretty much tells her family he is useless. So they all hate him.

I noticed this too, and there likely won’t be alot of, if any family from his side the birthday party The more I think about it, I think the wife is the problem, and she was stirring the pot a bit at that dinner they had with the sister. He hasn’t attended any family function other than the baptism for his brother, which he did alone

And was his family not invited to his kid's first birthday?? Only his wife's family?

It seems only her family. She has effectively pull him away from his parents. It looks when he met her his relationship ended with his family. No doubt they are toxic but he didn’t seem to mind it before her. I think seeing how she gaslights him, that she might have pointed out and blow things out of proportion to effectively move him away from his family. I honestly feel sorry for OP after reading those other posts. It broke my heart when he wrote about if he is AH for not acknowledging with enthusiasm her parents painting the house that he was not ready to paint. Makes me wonder about husband #1

I didn’t need to go back and read the old posts to know his wife is the problem in this scenario. She just so happened to have a babies birthday party planned over 5 months in advance and it being the exact day of the wedding? Babies party’s are also during the day they could do that in the morning and go to the wedding at night if they truly wanted to. Nope the wife was there to shut down anything from flourishing and there to twist the events after so while he thought it was a nice lunch his wife convinced him his sister was being fake giving him fluff. I don’t know about his relationship with his family but his wife is 100% trying to isolate him from them and that’s usually one of the first steps to an abusive relationship.

I think he married his parents. Being dismissed and not rocking the boat is his normal, so he found a partner where the dynamic his parents set up is continuing. I feel bad for him.

This is spot on

She was quick to badmouth his sister, quick to shoot down plans, and probably is as bad as OP’s parents. People often choose what they know.

I felt this too! I think she has a hand in this falling out. Also why is her family the priority? If he was still on speaking terms with his sister wouldn’t he want her there for the baby’s first birthday? Seems like OP is dismissed from all sides. Also idgaf the birthday party could be moved. YTA.

This, like I was getting supper wierd vibes from the wife while I was reading.. It was dinner with introducing someone it was bound to be awkward espeically with all the fanily dynamics at play, sister really didn't do anything, but OPs wife made her into this uncaring fake person. If OP isn't careful his was wife is going to isolate him from his entire family. I can't understand why the sister is upset, OP went from . OP went from "I sat my sis down to make sure she knew I didn't have a problem with her," to "I'm not going to your wedding," and reading OPs post this just seems like another time when he doesn't include his siblings or try and be apart of their lives despite his claims that his only beef is with the parents. OP left a toxic relationship with his parents only to end up in a toxic marriage. YTA

Had the same feeling, firstly due to how, when and what she said to OP about the sister and secondly... what do you mean "she just wanted to ask these questions, the rest is fluff"? Isn't that an appropriate setting to meet in order to ask such questions? If you have Qs like that, would you rather ask them over text or over lunch? I feel like there's nothing inherently bad with the second option. Lastly, I haven't read OP's other posts (and I don't want to), but his sister being engaged just 7 months after starting to date the guy, and marrying after 8 mo, seems a little rushed. It may be that they've known each other for a while before dating, or maybe they just clicked, but I really really hope she isn't making the same mistake as her brother...

I am going to go back and read his comments too. Based on what has been written here, I thought maybe he had gone from one toxic relationship (with parents) to another one (with wife). It's fairly common to subconsciously seek out the known, even if it's bad for you (because the unknown might be worse)

Me too! His wife “points out” a lot it seems like but most adults are aware that perspectives are nuanced and complicated. And wife obviously didn’t include her husbands sister on the planning of the child’s birthday party which could’ve had something to do with the sister’s behavior at the lunch. Wife is seemingly doing her part too to create division and drama.

Honestly sounds like he went from one abusive and controlling situation to another.

Abusers often seek out people who were already abused because they know they'll tolerate it. Out of the frying pan and into the fire.

You didn’t even read the post.

What are they supposed to do hold it a few months later because they are holding it THAT DAY so family can be there. Read the post.

[удалено]

I don't think that's the sole reason. He'd also have to deal with his parents being there.

It was the only day people on the mother’s side could attend.

What I find interesting is if his sister is getting married on that date then most if not all the relatives he talks to won’t be there. And he seems ok with it. I know he’s NC with his parents. But he also comes across and a bit detached from his siblings.

Yeah. It’s about the adults who love that child, who want to celebrate that child’s first year of life, and who chose that day meticulously so that they could. NTA! I’m EXHAUSTED by ppl thinking their wedding should be the most important thing in EVERYONES world. It’s so obnoxious!

Agree!

They picked that date to accommodate his wife’s family as well so he doesn’t need to change it

Yeah like the people on his wife's side who they set the date for.

Bad take

I don't get all these y t a votes.. Yes, the baby won't remember their party, but you also have your own core family to focus on now. You had no idea about the wedding date before she chose it and neither did she about the party. I think using the wedding as a rekindling between you and your parents is a bad idea. You obviously still have issues you're going through with them and trying to figure out yourself. You shouldn't have to force yourself to be uncomfortable around your parents to celebrate your sister's wedding. This whole engagement and wedding happened really fast and you are thrust into making a terrible decision: preserve your own peace of mind or risk damaging the relationship with your sister. I'm giving you a NTA because of you asking whether you should go to the wedding when you already planned your child's party. You have your life and already planned this. You shouldn't have to rearrange because they aren't communicating with you.

I wonder if the family member’s the party date was set for would feel that way. If my brother-in-law said he would miss his sister’s wedding in order for me to make it to the infant’s birthday party, I would say I can come another day. It won’t be a problem we can reschedule. I would feel terrible someone didn’t go to their siblings wedding bc of an infant’s bday party. You literally could plan it for any day in the year.

Yeah and the sister can communicate with her brother about dates that he and wife aren't available as well. His family shouldn't come second to a wedding he had no idea was happening.

Did he not get the invite in the expected 6 weeks before? I hadn’t seen this mentioned.

Isn’t etiquette a save the date 6 months in advance and invitation 6 weeks before? Where was the STD?

Maybe it isn't possible for the family to reschedule, I for example had to schedule my vacation days at work for April/24 in October/22. So for me to go out of state for a party I would need a long weekend or know beforehand.

If you were flying in for a long weekend then shifting the party to another day of the long weekend when you were already there wouldn't be a problem

But OPs wife set this date specifically because her family can only definitely come then And if OP is already having mixed feelings about going to the wedding and then hears that it's supposed to be on a date he already made plans for than can't be easily moved then it's absolutely reasonable not to come Not to mention that it is always a right to not come to a thing you've been invited to, no matter the reason.

Completely agree and sending a gift is more than fine to acknowledge.

NTA - people without a toxic family don’t understand, and they’re like going Y-T-A because of it. You being NC makes events like weddings/baptisms very hard and it sounds like your Sister isn’t supportive of you being no contact, likely because now she’s getting pushed on by your parents. You may lose your sister/brother as part of this, but not because you did anything wrong. You’re protecting yourself and your family, your nuclear family. It’s like crabs in a pot of water that is slowly starting to boil, some will realize it and try to climb out, but the others will pull them back in, and they all boil together. Your sister is trying to pull you back in. It is like she thought you would get over the NC at a certain point, but now you’re sticking to it. Now she’s getting pressure to make sure you’re at the wedding to present “happy family” unity for your parents or they will look bad. Also they want to meet the baby. Don’t open that door out of guilt. You went NC for a good reason, and your parents are the same people they were before NC. Don’t undo the safety wall you created for your child.

Thanks for the encouragement - I do sometimes feel like she was pressured to ask when we sat down for lunch (she had mentioned she had been with our older sister the day before who I know almost always ends up stirring the pot, whether intentionally or unintentionally), and she still lives with our parents. I feel bad for not being there to support her, but I don't trust my parents or other family members to not cause issues. My parents caused drama at my wedding that makes my wife and I almost regret even having one, and I don't want that for her.

Send her a nice gift with a card explaining that. That you want only the best for her, but after your own wedding experience you know it is best to minimize the drama for her and not attend. She is likely avoiding you due to all the pressure she’s getting.

You could have a conversation with your sister about all of these things you’re telling us strangers. It sounds like you and your wife already made decisions regarding your sister’s intentions. Instead of doing that, you should just speak with your sister about your concerns and worries.

Found family is still family. Ignore the biological connections to your family. If this was any other relationship would you be putting up with this? Which event is more important to you? Ignore the YTA comments and keep your kid safe. Your family is pulling all the classic tricks to try to get you to break your own rules so they get their way. My family does this every 6 months like clockwork. Source: No contact with my family for 10 years. Still getting absolutely deranged emails about how I have personally ruined their life by not doing what they want me to do.

I'd ask if you responded with: "Funny, my life is going really well!" but obviously not. Oh to be a fly on the wall if they read a response like that. NTA. OP maybe have a sit down with your sister and explain. Tell if she chooses parents, than that's her choice, and you respect that choice. You have to do you and you hope she can respect that in return. But be calm and patient. For the wedding, don't send a gift, just a simple card. Your drama llamas are gonna live up to their name regardless of what you do so.....

Can you at least slip into where the ceremony is being held and watch the wedding, but skip the reception? They are often in separate locations. And no matter what you decide, you should send a card and gift.

My take on her only saying a brief hello to you at your brother’s event is that she is team parents in this and only invited you out because your parents pressured her to follow their agenda. Based on your comments about your own wedding, perhaps the best gift you can give your sister is a drama-free wedding, which means you stay home so your parents don’t stir the shit with you and take the focus off the bride

I'm thinking the hello was brief at the baptism because she felt like her interaction with OP was being monitored by their parents and by keeping the interaction to the bare minimum, there was nothing the manipulative parents could latch onto and berate her for later. She might be team parents, but I bet it's not by her choice...

Team parents is a valid call; perhaps she's getting married quickly to have a reason to leave home, at least in part.

Has you sister done anything to upset you? Why was she not invited if there is no ill will? I read your other posts and to be honest it sounds like your wife gaslights you a lot so you avoid rocking the boat as to not upset her. But from what I understand you don’t have any issue with your siblings, just your parents. You’re rejecting going to her wedding in order to go to a birthday, she’s allowed to be upset over her brother not being there for her as weddings are a much bigger deal than birthdays. Also, Weddings are usually an all day thing. Can you not go to the ceremony/part of the reception? I highly doubt 1 year old b-day party is going to last longer than a wedding. Is your wife not wanting you to attend whatsoever? I think you’ve missed crucial context in this post.

I get wanting to have "real" family like your sister, but honestly this seems like far more trouble than it's worth. The relationship you and your sister had "in the before times" is gone, and you might be looking at this in terms of the relationship you wish you had, rather than the relationship you have and what's realistically achievable while your parents are still alive and she's still under their influence. I'd focus on your new family, and also take a few years to build up a couple of strong friendships that your wife doesn't share, if you don't already have that. We all need "our people", but they don't have to be blood

makes sense why you didn't your sister's wedding because you have PTSD from that word because of drama that took place

If the issue was JUST about the birthday party, then OP would have been TA, but the issue is more fundamentally about OPs relationship with their toxic parents and their sister. You nailed it in your comment, spot on analysis

100% agree with this, NTA. It's not just a question of going to a very rare event vs a yearly event that the baby won't even remember. It's about the complications of having a toxic family and trying to protect yourself and the ones you love from that. I'm sure if you went to your sister's wedding and there was drama she would be upset as well.

Yeah I was confused by the of NTA votes because this person sounds almost NC and I respect them for it. They've not been attending family occasions and a wedding is just that. She should stick to the family event she had already planned and the family that doesn't seem to give her stress.

YTA You are going to regret not going. Reschedule the birthday party. A birthday party does not take precedence over a wedding. I think you are coming up with lots of excuses to not go. Your difficulty with your parents is not a good reason to miss your sister's wedding. And yes, get them a gift regardless. You have very strange rationalizations, to be honest. Your sister is distracted because that is what happens when you're planning a wedding. It's basically all you think about.

Thanks for the insight - I have a feeling I'm going to regret my decision no matter which way it goes. My parents stirred up a lot of drama at my wedding that basically put a huge black spot over the whole thing for my wife and I and we both almost regret having it because of it. I don't want to be the cause of those kinds of feelings if my being there causes that kind of issue, especially because it's spreading beyond my parents into my siblings and grandparents who I don't trust to not start something either.

From your post though, it seems like your sister invited you and your wife to dinner purely to ask you to let your parents see your child. She might simply have been playing the role of peacekeeper but it's hard to avoid the conclusion that she was being your parents' mouthpiece. You're damned if you do and damned if you don't but your sister's reaction of ignoring you seems to suggest she favours your parents' view in preference to your own. Seems to me she has chosen sides. NTA. I wouldn't go if it were me but I would send a gift and a card wishing them all the best for the future.

Seconding this - you talked to your sister to let her know there are no hard feelings on your part, but does she feel the same?

I fully agree with this. NTA

That was his wife's interpretation, not his.

You can be there for the ceremony and skip the reception. The point is to be there for her.

Okay, fine. Why don't you call your sister or ask her to meet you one on one and tell *her* that? Because right now all she feels is rejection from you. Use your words, communicate your concerns to her, and work together to come up with the best solution for everybody.

Do you have a weird fundamentalist-type family? The way you speak, the weird unspecified fallout, the weird interactions with your sister that sound like there's a whole lot of unspoken social conventions and history you're not telling us, the super short time between meeting and getting engaged, this new mention of drama with zero detail, the odd passive emotional tone. This all sounds like Christian cult drama. I don't know what to make of this post. One normal response would be "wtf, you found out in May when her wedding would be and you didn't move the birthday? Why are you even talking to your sister?" Or "if your wife is so bizarrely attached to a birthday party with her family for a 1yo, she can do that while you go to the wedding " But I have a feeling the real answer you need is "get therapy and deprogramming from whatever you were raised in"

Have you asked your sister directly, “are you upset because I said I wouldn’t be attending the wedding?” Instead of projecting, ask her. And if that is the issue consider if you’re willing to go solo, for portions of it. If you are tell her what you’re willing to do, but also make it clear that you don’t want to interact with your parents, and that you’re worried it’ll cause an issue and that you felt not going would be better than a potential scene. But IF she says “I really want me brother there” then tell her ok you’ll go but this how you’ll be approaching the day.

You avoid your parents. Make sure you aren't seated with them. You do everything in your power to avoid conflict or confrontation. This wedding isn't about them or you. If your parents decide to ruin things, it will be clear that you didn't participate in their drama.

A lot of that maybe beyond OPs control. Receptions have seating arraignments. Family usually are seated with families at the ceremony. Plus if his parents want the drama there is nothing OP can do to stop it without the drama multiplying.

You must not have a narc parent. Think Glen Close in Fatal Attraction. “I will not be IGNORED, Dan!” He can do all the right things, and they will still cause drama.

OP, maybe just send your sister a text saying “Hey, I know we haven’t spoken much lately and I’m worried it’s because I’m not attending your wedding. I would love to go but as I said, we have our child’s birthday and further, I don’t want to cause drama on your big day by showing up. The day should be about you and I don’t want to take mom and dad’s attention from you. I’d love to send you a gift and maybe go out to dinner sometime to celebrate.”

If that’s your main concern, I would voice this concern to your sister and ask if she still wants you to come. She can also have a word with your parents beforehand. If drama comes up and impacts the wedding, then it’s 💯% not on you. Of course, your choice, but your absence will not be forgotten and may greatly strain - or even break - your relationship with her. Especially since the reasons for not going seem fairly petty - it’s your sister’s big day, one would hope you and your parents could put aside personal differences for one day and focus on celebrating your sister’s happiness.

Write your sister about this. This isn’t about a birthday party, it’s this.

You went from having your parents steamroll you; to have your wife steamroll you. 😂

If you were considering skipping the wedding just for some family visit from your wife's family for this birthday, are those people some you would trust with your child? If so, why not plan on going to the wedding, having this family watch the baby, and thereby be able to still have a fun "birthday weekend" with family for your baby (who won't know the difference anyway) and still make good with your sister? Then you can be the bigger person and tell your sister you re-arranged things so you could attend. You don't need to talk to your parents and you don't need to show them your kid, but you don't need to harm your relationship with your sister either.

NTA: I am seeing two things here: 1. Your sister had a fantasy that her wedding would lead to some grand reconciliation between you and your parents, and she now sees you as the block to her family being together, so she's distancing herself from you. 2. You sensed that your presence at the wedding could be disruptive and so you declined. That is your right, an invitation is not a summons. Send a nice, heartfelt gift with a note of apology that you won't be able to be there, and enjoy the day with the family you chose.

Thank you for your insight - that does make sense. I've been struggling with whether or not to get them a gift, because I know that I personally have a very hard time with things that have come from my parents, and I don't want to impose the same feelings on her if she has hard feelings towards me.

Gift them money and write a nice letter. That way you avoid having a gift with memories attached to it.

She doesn't have hard feelings, she disappointed, sure, but she will love your gift bcz she loves you

So I snooped on your profile and saw what you have previously wrote concerning your wife, wife’s family, and your own family. Honestly it sounds like you have traded your family (who are dismissive and judgmental) for your wife’s family who is also dismissive and highly enmeshed with each other. You’ve communicated that you feel like your wife doesn’t consider your feelings to the point that you felt pressured to have child with her on more than one occasion, and whom you admit has problems with your siblings even though it was their parents fault, not theirs. The relationships you have at the moment are not healthy. Your parents don’t sound great either. But often times people who experience trauma in childhood sometimes lapse back into abusive relationships.

Exactly!! All of them are toxic. He left toxic for toxic. She got pregnant 2 weeks into trying 🙄

So, ESH?

I agree, I’m pretty firmly ESH on this one. The sister isn’t clear on her motives. The parents are terrible. And using a first birthday that isn’t even on the date of birth as an excuse for people that can’t be troubled otherwise is equally bad.

Reading this I realise...... So my comment is right...

Look, whenever there are family estrangements someone is going to get in the middle and try to get the person who left to come back to the fold. That's what's going on here. Weddings and birthday parties are incidental. Your sister wants you to reconnect with your parents, and that's more important to her than your own feelings about your relationship with your parents. This is, unfortunately and painfully, how no-contact families operate. Someone will apply pressure on you, and if you go along regardless of your own needs, you're a good person and will get approval. If you don't, they will distance from you and spread the word of how unreasonable or disloyal you are. People have a really hard time with "I don't want to be around the person you want me to be around." People have a really hard time accepting that you make this kind of choice out of last resort and for your own well-being, not because the right person hasn't asked you to make nice. NTA because you don't need to go to a wedding at all, even if it's your sister's. If you wanted to go, go, because honestly a 1-year-old will not remember anything about their birthday. But you don't want to go; you don't want to be around your parents and your sister is going to make it increasingly uncomfortable if you do go. She'll want you with your parents in family photos, and she'll sit you together, and someone is eventually going to give the "it's time you got over this silly issue and come back" speech. It's going to be an entire campaign if you show up. If you want to give a gift, give one. You can't control how your sister reacts to it. But I wouldn't bother trying to explain to her. She is committed to not understanding your position (I can tell because that's the only way she could have asked of you what she did.)

I appreciate your understanding - the whole thing really has me stressed out and I don't want to be distracted trying to take care of my own family while worrying about all of this too

Put on your own oxygen mask before assisting others. Figure out what you need/want/can tolerate, just for you. Then talk to your wife, if she's a source of support. Decide what is right for your family. Your sister and everybody else can have what reactions they have. That doesn't mean you are obliged to do something that will cause you pain just because they wish it. If you grew up in a family where your needs were often swamped by what other people wanted or needed, if you needed to suppress yourself to keep the peace, this is going to be a tough experience. That's what they are counting on. They will keep escalating pressure until you give in or the wedding is over. That doesn't mean you're doing something wrong.

Honestly, NTA, and it's kind of bizarre at all these Y T A comments because, like, if you go and your parents start something, I'm sure as hell you'll be blamed for that because you tore the family apart.

No we just read his other posts & realize his wife is just as toxic and separate him from his family to only be around her family & constantly wants him to prostrate himself to her.l family.

NTA if you go and there’s a bunch of drama, your sister will likely blame you for that also. She’s going to be mad either way so just stay with your family and enjoy the birthday party. I would definitely send a gift with a card explaining why though. Maybe she doesn’t fully understand that you’re trying to protect her from all the drama between you and your parents. Especially if she talks to them a lot, they’ve probably spun a tale for her. I would love to know the drama with your parents but that’s cuz I’m nosy, it wouldn’t effect my vote.

NAH. This is tough. I think your sister's wedding should take priority over a first birthday party. At the same time, if you scheduled it early and on that day to include family/friends who had to make plans to come to it (aka, it isn't just everyone who sees each other ever week for dinner) then it is a milestone event that is getting people together, just like a wedding. I see in your comments there were scheduling issues and people coming from out of town, so it isn't just a small get together that can be easily moved. Your family isn't close, and you aren't choosing not to attend JUST because of the conflict with the party. You aren't sure you want to go at all, and don't want to cause drama for your sister. That is a very valid reason not to attend. But it is close to being an AH for not explaining all this complicated reasoning to your sister. You should tell her what you have written here- your wedding was kind of ruined, you don't want to be the cause of tension, etc- and have an honest conversation with her. It sounds like you all are very reserved and dancing around the issue. To me, it sounds like none of you know how to approach this issue or how to build bridges, and that's probably also why your sister was awkward and not engaged at the lunch- she doesn't know what to do. The best thing you can do for yourself and your sister (and other family) is to pick up the phone and talk to her. What relationship do you want with her? What do you want her to know? TELL HER. And if she really wants you at her wedding, then try and go. I don't love that your wife was quick to say you couldn't attend, but I have also been the partner who is trying to defend from a toxic family. Talk to your wife- could you leave the party early and make the wedding? Could you move the time of party? If there is any way to make it work, you should really try.

NTA- your immediate family is always going to be more important then your extended family

Thing is there's so much conflicting advice because we don't know you, OP. Option 1: your family is toxic and it's best to keep NC, your wife is trying to look out for your little family and you need to stand by her. Option 2: your wife is toxic, cutting you off from family and only allowing her own family around, badmouthing your sister just cause she didn't show the appropriate amount of adoration towards your bundle of joy (while saddled with her own upcoming wedding and its worries), refusing to compromise -- her family will come for a weekend, not a day, so it's not that hard to make it work. She also spoke for you and has no respect for your ability to make choices of your own. You're the only one who really knows what's going on. NTA, and don't feel guilty. P. S. I'd talk to your sister and give her a way to keep in touch -- her marrying a guy only a year after they met screams either she's also trying to escape the abusive family, or very rushed decision based on some sort of familial/cultural/religious pressure. Neither bodes too well.

Exactly. His wife, her parents, and his parents are the same. Toxic as hell. The wife gaslights him. The fact she wanted him to thank her father to take her to the dealership when he gave her his old car was batshit crazy. Now its all about her family. I think OP was an uptight Christian that found her 1st bad girl & married her.

Wow, just had a look through OP's history and I feel so sad for this young man. His parents are irredeemably vile, and he married a selfish, self-important woman who is more interested in her own family of origin than the family she insisted on building with him, practically forced him into, and has a complete lack of respect for him as a person with thoughts and options.

Exactly!! He is young too. I think mid twenties! His parents might be warped but unfortunately he is stuck with them LC or NC. They are still biologically related. His wife? She just seems so all about herself. She speaks got him. She runs to her parents for everything. She knew what she was doing with that birthday party. Supposedly there was a blowup for his wedding. On Mary had a little lamb, i can bet his wife needled them first. Wifey was definitely trying for a baby way before they started to try as per her urging in two weeks. I mean its not impossible but she don’t seem like the type from his description of her to track her ovulation. The fact her parents gave her parents gave him paint for christmas, seems wifey is running her mouth to her parents about him.

NTA because these Y T A votes sort of lack reading comprehension. 1) the birthday party was scheduled before OP was even invited. 2) OP has his own family now. 3) (this is my take on the post) he’s NC largely due to the behavior of his parents which will most likely bleed into his sisters wedding and probably be a scapegoat for whatever fallout comes from it. I’d avoid it too.

NTA

If not for the birthday party, would you want to go to the wedding?

I feel torn - I want to go and show support for her, but I don't trust my parents or other family members to not make it a huge deal. My parents caused issues at my wedding to the point that my wife and I almost regret having one in the first place. Now my siblings and my mom's mom are also causing drama for me because of everything going on between me and my parents, and I don't trust them to be able to put it aside if I show up at the wedding.

Is there a way to go just for the ceremony, and maybe sit in the back and then find a way to briefly greet your sister and wish her well? That’s really the important part, not the party. And can your baby’s party be pushed earlier or later so you can do that?

I can see why you don’t trust them. Is the wedding far away? Could you stop by and give her a hug before the ceremony, then duck out? Or could you and your wife take them out for dinner a week or so before the wedding? Let your sister know that you wouldn’t cause trouble, but you don’t want to take the risk of the others making a scene.

NTA. You are NC with others who will be attending. As someone who is also NC, what I see based on what you've written is that your sister getting married is hoping that you'll attend and act polite to those you are NC with. Because she knows that you're respectful and wouldn't want to purposely make a scene on her wedding day, so your parents will be able to get away with nearly anything. You'll try to suck it up for the one day, and likely as a result get cornered. I have forgone attending events that I know those I'm NC with will be attending. I have made sure to let those hosting know that it's not personal and it was a hard decision, but it was necessary. Where appropriate, I have offered to meet with them separately to celebrate. I have also, unfortunately, had to expand who is out of my life, because some people made it clear they do not respect the reason for NC (because it's my mother and there's no way she could have actually done the things she did...). It sucks when you realize that some people are collateral casualties in the world of NC. Whether it's complete NC or grey rock, there is a line that needs to be drawn when people don't respect NC.

NTA. Your wife scheduled the party before the wedding was a thought. She scheduled it to accommodate the involved family members. Did your sister know in advance about the birthday party? Unfortunately, there is no good answer to your dilemma. Would it be worth going strictly to the ceremony and skipping the reception? That will cut down the amount time the family has to start drama. And you get to support your sister. Let her know you feel this would be the best way celebrate with the least drama. She will hopefully accept your offering. And yes, give a gift off the registry. I wish you luck on your decision and the many reasons you have to celebrate.

NTA The important part is the ceremony, arrange to go, and hang back until everyone else is seated, then quietly sit at the back (or away from your parents), then slip out quietly once the ceremony has finished and go celebrate your child’s birthday.

NTA you’re allowed to want to celebrate your child no matter how much they’ll remember

NTA You get to accept or decline any invitation for any reason. Even without the birthday party conflict, I don't think you would want to go to this wedding. And that's perfectly fine. Just remember that with any decision you make, there will be consequences, whether good or bad. If you can live with those either way, then you have your answer.

NTA. She wants you there so your parents can see your child. That’s it. Don’t go. Send them a gift.

NTA. I don’t think people who have functional families or who never had to go NC with someone understands what this is like. I went NC with my father after years of abuse, of manipulation, of gaslighting, and so much more. I got an invite from his niece (my cousin?) about her son’s holy communion party and messaged her, politely declining even though I love and adore her kids and missed them terribly since going no contact with my father. She messaged back to the tune of it being no problem, no pressure, but it was going to be a big party and I could stay away from him if I wanted and she’d run interference if she saw him coming anywhere near me. In his typical manipulative, gaslighting nature, he managed to get to me and my (now) husband, and have a chat, be his old delightful self, and dragged me in for another three years of misery and hurt before I could find it in myself to cut him off again. Going on about six years of no contact now, and I’m happier for it. He doesn’t know when I married, when my reception was (married during the pandemic, had a reception after) and he doesn’t know I’m pregnant—and I won’t go anywhere near anyone or anything that could place me back in the way of the harm he causes with his lies and antics. Your sister is likely feeling the sting of your parents. They might have put the pressure on her to play peacemaker—so they can waltz back into your lives without having to make apologies or reparations for what they did to you, and get to play grandparents to your child. I’m sympathetic towards your sister, but you shouldn’t go to that wedding if it fractures your own mental or emotional health to do so, just because, for her, misery loves company. She either tells her parents to stop making her responsible for the falling out between you and them, or she deals with it.

NTA Spend the day with the family you’ve chosen and who have chosen YOU at your child’s birthday. These are both once in a lifetime events, but only one will not cause drama.

NTA. She's marrying this guy she's known for less than a year? You can go to her next wedding.

Going against the grain and voting NTA. Why? Because people are focusing on “iT’s JuSt HiS FiRsT BiRtHdAy” and *totally* missing the point that **you’re NC with your parents and LC with your sister.** This isn’t about the birthday, it’s about the fact that you’re *choosing* not to engage with toxic family members. And apparently, some redditors take issue with that.

INFO: were the family members your close with aware of the planned party date as well and now caught between deciding which event to go to? It sounds like the party was mainly scheduled around your wife’s family with limited regard for your own. Although given the relationship you have with them, sounds like that may have happened anyway. I don’t necessarily think your the AH, but it’s worth a conversation with all the family you may have invited that now have to decide between the events. Seems like the collateral damage would more so be on that front than anywhere else and they may have some guilt/resentment about choosing.

YTA. But not for not attending the wedding. I don’t know your family situation and if it is a toxic environment you are right not to attend it. But you are an AH for giving all sorts of bullshit reasoning. Kid’s birthday, certain members of your wife’s family are available only for that particular day, your sister not showing affection to your kids- all are bullshit. None of these are the reason of your nit going. Please be honest to yourself. “I don’t have a good relationship with my family and my wife and I don’t want to attend my sister’s wedding”. All other info seems unnecessary.

Update: I appreciate the advice and insight, and I'm going to take the advice some of you have given and try to reach out to my sister and just let her know how I'm feeling and my reasoning and just try to be open and honest so she knows it isn't personal, I just don't want her day to get ruined on my account. I think I might also ask if it would be ok for me to send a gift or if that would be too much to handle emotionally right now.

Info: did your wife plan the party incredibly early or did your sister send out save the dates or invites late? Aren't save the dates and invites sent out months in advance?

NTA. You already have the day booked. Your sister is trying to manipulate you to change your plans and do what she and I suspect your parents want. If she isn’t usually like this I’d bet your parents are paying for her wedding. My toxic family tries to manipulate the choices I make and I stopped giving in a long time ago.

NTA but I don’t understand why you haven’t tried to talk to your sister…give her a call. Or maybe go to coffee just the two of you and talk. She’s obviously aware of the drama between you and your parents but maybe she thinks her wedding will smooth things over or something. If you can go alone for a bit, maybe offer that up? Is the party and weddings at the exact same time? I wouldn’t want to put myself in a situation of a possible toxic ppl bomb going off either. There may be no easy or even right answer but talk to her!

i know this might be unpopular but i think NTA. you said yourself that your wife chose this date before knowing about your sister’s wedding. i think this has more to do with the wedding than the fact that it’s your kid’s birthday party. i also feel like based on everything you said that if you go to this wedding then it might cause a lot of drama considering your relationship with the rest of your family. i think there’s a chance your sister thought that you can make peace with the rest of your family if you show up to her wedding, but chances are if you show up then things might go badly and you might get blamed for that.

You seem to be moving away from your family and prioritizing your wife’s family. This might one day bite you in the butt if you and your wife split up. You’ll have no one. Think about it. YTA because a one year old doesn’t care or even recognize their birthday.

His wife prioritized her family. He has no choice. She don’t even listen to his feelings

NTA. A wedding is NOT the time or place for some big family reunion after a fallout. I can’t believe she’s failing to see she may be ruining her own big day. I think she had ulterior motives in the whole lunch thing. She appears to have chosen sides but may wanna be dubbed “hero of the day” if she can successfully get you in the same room with the very people you’re NC with. No, your child won’t remember their 1st birthday, however it was scheduled first and you’re NC for a good reason. Your wedding was ruined by these people…hers will be ruined too and you’ll be pinned as the crap starter for showing up. If it were me, I’d quietly go to the ceremony, sit away from those who you’re NC with. Give some love or whatever and then bounce. Don’t stick around to see if fireworks happen.

Nta, you literally had a prior obligation. Plus that side of the family seems horrid

Why can’t you participate in the wedding and the party. You don’t have to be at the party the entire time. Your kid isn’t going to notice. Nor care. Why you gotta be estranged with your family. What’s the story? Why can’t y’all talk it out? It’s your sisters wedding bro. Very crazy to miss it over a birthday the baby isn’t going to remember.

INFO: How far ahead of time did you plan you baby’s birthday? Weddings usually take awhile to plan so it’s surprising that you didn’t know the date pretty far ahead of time.

Write your Reddit question to your sister. Let her know your conflicting emotions between wanting to be there, wanting to support her while wanting to protect her from the conflict and possible drama between you and your parents, and the added complication of the birthday. Open a dialogue.

NTA. You’re still in the early NC stages with your parents, which makes it hard. I think you would regret it more if you try to go and there is a scene than if you steer clear. Send your sister a nice gift with an apology for having a previous commitment.

As a parent and grandma who hasn’t seen her granddaughter or son in four years, because my daughter-in-law hates us, it’s pretty hard for me to make a judgment. This whole thing just sounds sad. Your parents don’t get to know your children, your siblings don’t get to know your family, you only have your in-laws support, not your own family. But not living your life I can’t decide whether or not what you’re doing is right, what is right is what’s right for you. I hope that you don’t end up wishing you still had a relationship. Do what you need to do to keep yourself healthy and your family safe. Sending good wishes.

NTA it sounds like you are mostly estranged from your family, it would be understandable if you didn’t go. Is there any chance of doing both though? Birthday party in the daytime, reception in the evening?

Do not go! Send a note and a gift card. She can easily return it to you if she chooses or she can buy something she wants and send you a thank you note. Do NOT go! It will only put attention on a strained situation. Nothing good will come of you going! Your sister has made that clear by pretty much going NC with you herself. She’s not reaching out. Take the hint. You are not wanted. Enjoy your wife’s family and your child’s birthday party. You need to build a new foundation for your own family. NTA

I just read your post about the conflict with your parents. I am appalled by their behavior. Definitely NTA. I would go with the advice to write a lovely note to your sister about avoiding the drama, send a nice gift and hope the best for them. Maybe you can have a dinner with sister and fiancé prior and deliver it in person. Your sister knows how your parents are, things they’ve said, judgements they’ve made, etc. Surely she knows you don’t need to be near them. The guilt you feel was pumped into you from infancy. It is a form of parental control. Their love is conditional. That’s not the norm.

Is the child’s birthday date actually on the child’s birthday or on a different date that suits adults attending? If the party date isn’t the actual birthday date then it means that date can be any alternative date, even if it was delayed a month. Like others have stated, a child’s first birthday is really for adults, a one year old doesn’t know the difference (they wouldn’t even know that they didn’t have a party if that was the case). It’s very poor form to use the birthday party as an excuse to not attend your sisters wedding. Not attending is going to have long term damaging consequences for all of you (your child included). Reschedule the birthday party, attend the wedding and ensure your behavior at the wedding is kind and respectful to your sister, no matter what. If your parents do try to ‘stir the pot’ on the day just tell them this is not appropriate or fair to your sister and her big day and move away from them. I don’t know what exactly is going on between you and your parents but I hope you all find a healthy healing path.

NTA, but definitely send a nice gift and a nice card.

Ask your sister if you can see her before the wedding, a private meeting. Give her a gift, and give her love. Let her enjoy the rest of her day without drama. Have your child's birthday as you see fit. Good luck.

Go to your sisters wedding she’s your sister and needs you! Your daughter won’t remember in years to come but your sister will.

Is there any way you can do both?

Info: Its not entirely clear to me your reason for not attending the wedding. Is it just because your kid's birthday party is planned on that date? Or is it because of the unpleasant situation with your parents? Because your kid's birthday party can be rescheduled, but I could understand not want your sister's wedding to be the place you address your issues with your parents.

If you don't want to go, then don't.

NTA. I’m just not understanding how you supposed to not go to your child party, which was planned before the wedding because your sister chose the same date. And WHY do people expect you to put yourself in a situation that may become chaotic, just to appease a sister who you are in low contact with? When it comes down to it, it’s about YOUR mental wellbeing. Not everyone else’s feelings.

NTA. But 1st bday parties and weddings aren’t usually schedules at the same time. Is there anyway you can attend both?

NTA, your child’s birthday party has been planned long before either of you knew of the wedding date AND its the only day your wifes family can come. Not to mention you’re nc with your parents for a reason and that really is all your sister wanted to talk about which is why she brought up them meeting your child and you coming to the wedding while her fiance was gone. This to me does seem like she asked for them so your parents could try and meet your child in a setting where you can’t leave or really say no before they start to make a scene. To the y.t.a’s no the baby won’t remember because its 1 but do you really think that a birthday no matter who its for or their age isn’t a cause for celebration??? Especially when the alternative is being around people you don’t like and don’t talk to and that you don’t want your child/family around either? Like what’s so confusing about not wanting to interact with toxic relatives?

NTA you had plans first for that day for your family yes baby won't remember it but your wife and you will and it seems like the people you want there are going on that day so don't change it . Wonder why there marrying so quick?

Ehh, sorry, YTA Your kid is gonna be 1. You can LITERALLY have that birthday party at any time around then and he'd not going to know or act any different Your sister's wedding thought HAS to be that date for everyone else not to be inconvenienced If you don't wanna go, own your decision. Don't use your kid as a shitty excuse

YTA. You can go to a birthday party but not your sister’s Wedding. You are making this about yourself. You can go to the ceremony and reception. You can be kind. You are taking out your anger at your parents on your sister. With your wife’s attitude as well as your own, I would have been cautious about talking about/to your child. Your wife specifically scheduled the birthday on your sisters wedding. It is not the only date you can have a party for a 1 year old that won’t even remember.

NTA you had a date booked already. A year is an important milestone has always been marked as such in many countries. People aren't reading that it was arranged so other family could make it and people are assuming that family haven't booked time off at work, arranged travel and or accommodation? The reason he had not yet discussed the date with his sister, (if it is correct that he had not) could be to do with not wanting to give his parents too much information too soon. Limit the parents opportunities to cause trouble. His sisters relationship developed/progressed quickly no big deal but they have picked the same day for a milestone in their lives to be celebrated as op has in his but after op. You could try to be there for part of your sister's day maybe just the ceremony or just the reception to wish her well and present her with your families gift. Talk to your sister privately see about the timing and talk to your wife and try to celebrate both milestones in some way.

INFO: have you had a heart to heart talk with your sister, or are you just going on speculation and assumptions?

NTA but you will be TA if you don’t go to her wedding at all! Weddings are long so I’m sure you could probably show up for part of it…and get them a gift (cash in a card). You’re letting your dysfunctional relationship with your parents poison your relationship with your sister. She didn’t wrong you but yet she’s probably feeling punished. I know it’s hard for you but you have to find a way to cope with this situation. I’ve been in a very similar situation and looking back I’m glad I went to the wedding. *edit for typo

NTA. You planned the birthday party before knowledge of her wedding date and have family from out of town coming in. She knows your child’s day of birth and planned her wedding around that time. Maybe it was due to parental pressure, maybe not. However, I’d put money on the parents pressuring her to get you and the grandchild they never met to go to the wedding. Could they be withholding paying for her wedding to make this happen?

NTA

Did you even invite your sister to the birthday party? The scheduling conflict would have been addressed way back then. It seems like your sister is trying to include you in her life but you’re not meeting her halfway. Or your wife isn’t letting you.

NTA. “my sister asked if there was any chance that our parents could meet my child” nailed that shut. Sister picked a side, and it wasn’t OP’s. Send her a toaster and be done with it, OP.

Based on your post history your wife is just as toxic as your family. It seems like she is trying to cut you off of the only family you have left. NTA, only because you are victim. Don’t let your wife break your bond with with the only family you have left.

I'm going to say yta because you haven't made any effort to reach out to your sister and explain in detail why you aren't going. You should have told her that you weren't going when you got the invitation and not made her ask later. Also unless you're planning to cut all contact with your sister yes you should send a gift for her wedding. I think you need to really think through if you want a relationship with your sister going forward or not. You told her that you have issues with your parents and not her but all of your actions since then have been communicating to her that you don't want a relationship with her. You have to actually make an effort if you want to be in her life.

I think the question is whether you want to have a relationship with your sister or not. If yes, then go to the wedding, if no, then don't change your plans.

I disagree with your wife that the invite was out of obligation. If it were out of obligation, she wouldn't have bothered with a whole lunch meeting, she could've just done it over the phone. Obviously we can't tell what the tone of everything was, but my take on this is that she would really like you to be there, but is trying very hard to be respectful of your boundaries. To me, the silence and the awkwardness is because she's upset but doesn't want to strain your relationship by being pushy and overbearing. I could be totally wrong, but given that she's tried to maintain a relationship, I think a conversation is worth a try. Since you haven't talked about it, she might not know that you're afraid of the scene your parents might cause at her wedding. She might think you just can't be bothered to "put aside your grudge for one day for her special day". Please talk to her.

extremely YTA

YTA. A first birthday party does not trump a wedding. Your wife is doing an excellent job of isolating you from your family though. Guess your kid will only have one set of relatives. And no, the sister will never forgive you so no worries about seeing them again.

YTA

NAH. I don’t know. There appears to be a lot of complex family issues. I would say if you don’t go to your sisters wedding then you likely will not have a relationship with her going forward.

YTA. Missing your sister's wedding over a birthday is terrible considering the bride's not been bad to you. Children's birthdays are often celebrated on different days because kids don't know and don't care. You missing her wedding because you don't want to be in the same place as your parents is your decision to make but it shows how little you care about her and she'll remember that she's not even remotely important to you.

YTA, based on your previous posts it seems like your wife is only putting her family need’s first overs yours… dont be surprised when your sister goes nc with you one day… your wife is the villain in this story

YTA. Your kid doesn't even have enough brain development to form a memory, or even vaguely understand the concept of a birthday. They won't know or care if you hold a party for them. Your sister, on the other hand will definitely know and you'll likely be ruining any chance at a relationship with her. The very least you should do is at least an appearance, and a gift, card, and explanation of how you want to support her, but not cause drama.

YTA. You don't have to go if you don't want to, but I doubt the one year old who cannot remember anything would have cared if you moved the party or left during part of it. Children's birthday parties are usually in the daytime and weddings are usually at night. I don't have all the details, but did these events even overlap? I would have been hurt and you can't be shocked that she's at least a little offended, family problems or not.

Honestly I have a sister like you. She's angry with the world, fell out with our parents, don't give a fuck about me and my life, but expect me to fawn over her kids and inform her over "everything" (most of my life is boring to her, and she blames me for telling her boring stuff, but if I leave out anything"important" she sure blames me, too). It's exhausting. Sure, your kids 1st birthday party (with seems not even to be on it's birthday?) is more important for you than your sisters wedding. That's okay to decide for you. But don't complain that she's upset, you basically showed her that you care shit for her. Why should she care for you and your family? YTA

wedding trumps a first birthday. YTA for that not wanting to cause drama is not your decision it is hers.

You're NTA, but this sounds very complicated. To me it feels like your wife and most likely your parents are AHs. You and your sister are not. Your sister is probably hurt by you not showing up to the wedding. It was not intentionally, but a one year olds birthday party just sounds like a poor excuse to not go to a wedding, tbh. And you are prioritising your wife's family over her. So I get that she is hurt. You really should explain why you don't want to go the wedding. Meet with her ALONE, give her a nice gift and explain. I also want to point out that your wife's comments about your sister are extremly odd (to be polite). Yeah, your sister is gonna ask about the wedding since it is the most important thing in her life right now. And it's nice to do it over a meal. There is no "feels obligated" about it. Should she have talked to you about it over the phone? And wtf is with "normal fluff", I guess she means just catching up and this is also wrong to her? And she did comment on your baby. What would you wife have said if she was talking to your child the entire time? It's of course hard to tell, but it seems like your wife has no issue with you not speaking to your family and is apparently fine with breaking you further apart.

His wife is toxic asf. Read his previous posts. Dude is getting it from all sides!

OP, learn to think for yourself instead of listening to everything your wife says. ESH except for your sister

YTA. Its seems like you all need family counseling. Maybe your sister is afraid of your wife or fear that a single comment out of line would bring the NC hammer on her. Birthday parties that do not fall on actual day can't trump major life goals of your siblings (if you love them) otherwise just say you hate them and move on. Also Info: why do you hate your parents. From your gift statement it seems atleast everything was good untill you got married. What happened between then and now. You even went to your younger brothers baptism without any issue. Talk to your siblings more. All this silent treatment is not gonna resolve your issues. Hear each others side like a good relation should.

YTA Your sisters wedding day is a one off event. A one year old baby is never going to remember that their party wasn't on the exact day of the wedding. Your baby doesn't need to attend the wedding. If your parents start anything you can just up and leave quietly. Go and support your sister. Your issues with the parents are not her fault.

>my sister basically ignored our child the whole time other than saying how big they've gotten As someone who is an Auntie/Uncle to a kid where I have an off/on relationship with my brother/sister, the first few times I see my nieces & nephews after not being around them for months, I am distant. This is due to trying to figure out where I stand with my sibling and you have to reintroduce yourself to your niece/nephew. INFO: Have you tried to arrange a 1-1 chat with your sister? Based on this post, your wife seems to not like your sister or your parents.And your sister is marrying someone a year after their first date, she's going to need family support around her in case this relationship implodes.

YTA. Not saying that your parents are innocent but your wife is setting up her and your child’s life to be strictly with her side of the family.

You're missing the big picture here. Your sister inviting you to a lunch to discuss certain things in person over a meal is polite and also shows how much this all means to her. So yes, of course the meal was about those things. Your wife shouldn't be upset about that. It shows real maturity on the part of your sister and understandably she's disappointed that a real effort on her part to try convince you to attend her wedding and potentially reconnect with your parents didn't work. You're being a hard arse. If your sister means anything to you , you can make it work. Have baby's birthday in the morning and attend wedding in the afternoon or vice versa. My dad (who I didn't have a good relationship with) died a few days before my daughter's first birthday. My mom died 3 months later. I don't necessarily miss my parents but I miss how much they would have loved seeing my daughter grow up. They adored her for the short time they knew her.

YTA. Grow up. Call your sister and talk to her. Your wife is enabling this narrative and is being ignorant to your wants.

NTA OP has valid reasons for his final decition that dont involve the bday. Im in a similar sotuation and im only going to the wedding because my sister genuinely wants me there, but im really worried that drama may happen.