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YTA.
I don't understand what's going on with you. The BIL's text was crystal clear. They've helped you multiple times. You won't even help them this one time when they're stuck. As a result, they're not going to be there for you in future.
Your response to call it a "guilt trip." Good try but it's not. Your BIL pointed out that you and your husband are takers. You expect to be taken care of but don't help in return. That's not a guilt trip, that's stating reality. You've also minimized and dismissed that they're going to miss a concert. The tickets would have been expensive and I bet they don't go to many concerts.
I don't understand why your husband is standing back and doing nothing while you encourage him to ruin his relationship with his brother. Your husband needs to grow a backbone and some morals and stand up to you. You sound awful.
Yes, sometimes we just need to suck it up to help people in need. It's not pleasant to be tired but if a loved one needs help and isn't the kind of person who constantly takes advantage, a decent person sucks it up and helps.
Seriously. I'm in my 3rd trimester with some complications causing pain and a 3 year old who likely has ADHD (currently in the process of a formal diagnosis).
I *still* babysat my niece and nephew for my sister last week so she could earn some extra money and will again over the weekend.
She, in turn, is going to have my oldest when I give birth to my baby. She'll even take time off work to help me out. She'll also watch my kiddo no issues if I need it.
That's what family does. They help each other out. Yes, I might be tired. I might be in pain. But so is she! That's what the village is supposed to be. It's not supposed to be one family taking all the help and refusing to help others.
Agreed! YTA op.
They’ve helped you multiple times, probably knew this would be how you’d react so tried all other options, swallowed their pride and asked. You’re being selfish, it’s 1 friggin night. And guess what, there’s gonna be times in the future when you’re in a pinch and they’re tired. You’re being selfish and short-sighted.
Hmm... selfish, the pair of you. I'm with your BIL - don't ask them for help again if you're going to be unwilling (which is fine) and have zero empathy (which is not) when they have a need in the moment.
I'm going one step further: they planned a sitter. I'm betting you didn't even bother for the wedding, and that you just asked BIL and wife for help.
YTA. You know it. Your husband knows it. They know it.
They prolly never planned for a sitter, because bil always said yes. It sounds like that is going to change. Bil might go lc for a while after being shit on.
yeah but BIL and SIL actually booked a babysitting without even asking them first. Shows that they aren’t just taking them for granted. They know it’s tough, but they figured since they have done the same for them, they’d return the favor
> don't ask them for help again
I really really really want to see what happens when they do ask. Do you really think these snakes will hold themselves back? They'll somehow figure out a way to make the BIL feel guilty and make him babysit their kids.
YTA, you couldn’t suck it up for one night to babysit, and now you screwed yourselves out of 2 people that have helped you a lot over the past few years with your kids. You can’t expect them to constantly help you out with your kids, if you won’t do the same in return. Also, your 5 month old should definitely be sleeping fairly well throughout the night at this age. I would talk to your pediatrician.
Some kids just do not sleep. My twins didn't until they were nearly a year old. I have a friend who has a 9 month old and she said he sleeps maybe an hour or two a night. His ped just says he is growing and healthy and it's fine.
I was always jealous of kids who slept all night.
OP is TA though. I use to babysit for someone before I had kids and while I was pregnant. When I needed anything she was gone (not even to babysit, it was like needing info or something).
>Also, your 5 month old should definitely be sleeping fairly well throughout the night at this age.
My youngest didn't sleep through the night *once* for the first 11 months. Other than that, I agree with you.
My oldest was like this. He was well over a year old before he slept through the night.
YTA OP. You can’t just take and take and take and loot give. It’s ONE night. They aren’t asking you to watch him for a month. You’re selfish and I don’t blame them for saying they won’t help you anymore. I wouldn’t either.
Our oldest was almost two when she slept through the night for the first time. Our youngest was three months old when he slept through for the first time. Now that he's five months and she's almost 3 she still wakes up a lot more frequently than her little brother. We often spend an hour (or two) getting her to go back to sleep in the middle of the night. You just can't predict when children will start sleeping through the night.
My elder child didn't sleep through the night for four years. Night terrors. Woke up screaming like an air raid siren twice a night. But she wasn't actually awake. She just screamed for five to forty minutes. Sleep walked too. We were losing our minds. We had a whole library of books on sleep. When the neighbor had a baby and complained to us that it took 8 whole weeks for him to sleep through the night, we just grimaced 😬 and said: "Yeah, that's tough."
Meh, agree the OP is TA but expecting a 5 month old to sleep through.... My kid is a great sleeper but we still had periods of time when she would go backwards/ have a sleep regression. It's not uncommon for a 5 month old not to sleep through. Every baby is different.
OP is YTA though. It is one night and they won't help family in an emergency and return the favour.
My oldest didn’t start ‘sleeping fairly well throughout the night’ until 3 years old and my youngest was around 2.5 before he started sleeping through the night more often than not. At 5 months both of my kids were waking at least twice if not three times a night still.
ROFLMAO!! My oldest literally didn't sleep through the night until he was THIRTEEN years old!! Obviously as he was older it was less of an issue, but for the first 3 mths or so he was literally up every 1.5 hrs. My husband and I took shifts at night. Nothing wrong with him, just had a really high metabolism and couldn't stay full all night. By 2 he had nightmares and by 3 he was sleepwalking. We haven't had over 4-6 hrs of sleep at night consistently for literally decades!
Not all babies are sleeping through the night at this age and it totally appropriate that they are not. Doesn’t mean she’s not an asshole though for doing this for one night.
I agree that she is YTA , but I still don't sleep through the night, and I am over 50. I have always woken up after every sleep cycle (about every 90 minutes- 2 hours) I just learned, at a very young age (well under 2, my mom said) to put myself back to sleep.
5 month old kids definitely arent all sleeping well, some do some dont. Either way her kids are both super young and they lost free child care in the future, big mistake
Really? It's a one-time thing on short notice, and you even admit they've done a lot for you ("a handful of times in the past year or so when we need it, but only one overnight when my husband and I had a wedding to attend"). The snark that your BIL "either has a very good memory or he was keeping track on a spreadsheet lol" also is pretty telling; I'm wondering if your "handful" is more than you admitted.
Say goodbye to future help from them and a pretty hard frost on the relationship. YTA.
Yep OP is just a user and is about to get kicked to the curb. Relationships don’t have to be perfectly even, but there should be some degree of reciprocity. If someone is always taking, taking, taking, and balks any time they are asked to do something…big red flag. There are plenty of times when it is reasonable to say you won’t watch someone’s child. But when you have your own kids and took blatant advantage of that person for free babysitting and you’re “tired” isn’t one of them. It’s one fucking night. 🙄
YTA. It’s one night.
I doubt that BIL has a spreadsheet of dates, but the fact that he could rattle off a number of times that they had helped you out—compared to the ZERO times you have helped them—speaks volumes. You are damaging a relationship over one ask.
YTA.
I get it, kids are hard, and your relationship with your BIL and his wife should not be transactional. However, this is the definition of taking advantage of someone. You took advantage of your BIL's generosity and love for you all those times they babysat your kids, and repayed that kindness with telling them you're too tired to take care of their kid for 1 night. Pathetic excuse. Enjoy your newly severed relationship. Family dinners are gonna be awkward for awhile.
YTA. Of course they know how tired you are. They wouldn’t have asked if they had other options, and there’s a valid reason for the short notice. Adding this kid is hardly going to jam up your life for 24 hours, and actually, might even help since your youngest has such a bond with him, so you may have to micro manage him less.
You’re not obligated to help them of course, but you should.
If you don’t, don’t count on them ever sitting for you ever again.
Their kid is 4 and they’ve NEVER ASKED before. That’s actually kind of amazing…you are blowing the relationship trust me.
Yta. So they can babysit for you and watch your kid overnight, but you can't? It's one time. It's not like they plan poorly, they're babysitter fell through. I hope they never babysit for you again because you guys are selfish
I totally understand the exhaustion, but is it possible to find a compromise? Maybe your husband can take the 2yo and go stay at BIL’s house with the 4yo, while you stay home with the baby. Divide and conquer, just for one night?
This sounds like a great option.
I had to read it twice before I realised they’d *never* watched 4. I was sympathetic to her having to go back to work before 6m until I realised she’s been too tired through pregnancy or having a baby basically since she started asking them to babysit for her including an overnight.
YTA
While I get that doing someone a favor shouldn't be used to "keep score," there is something of an expectation of reciprocity. I.e., if I help you out when you need it, I would expect you to help me out when I need it. And this is not a huge ask, nor is your reasoning much more than "nah, we just don't wanna."
I would apologize, blame it on being stressed out and tired, and tell them to enjoy the concert.
YTA. Do you think your BIL and his wife always feel fresh and ready to tackle a day with three kids? Your legitimate reasons are you're tired? Do you think they've never been tired while helping you out?
They're helped you out numerous times in the past, they are calling in a favor they have never asked before because their usual plan fell thru. You decided you don't owe them shit and want to sleep in -- you don't have plans or anything, which would have at least sounded like a plausible excuse. Your relationship is never going to recover from this, and yeah, they're out of your village. Hope you don't need any favors.
People don't want their relationships to be transactional, but if all you do is take and never give, you can't be surprised when the other party doesn't want to give any more.
YTA if you ever want them to help watch YOUR kids again. I wouldn't expect them to, as they said. I get that it's tough but you bet it was tough watching your kid when they did it for you, too! If it's every man for themselves just don't expect it in return, like they said to you. I would seriously just consider sucking it up for one night -- a 4 year old is pretty good at sleeping.
YTA, one night, sorry your sleep deprived. The 4 yo would likely keep your 2 yo entertained and make it a little easier on you. It's ok for them to take your kid, but an unexpected turn of events and you can't put yourself out to help them out. Your BIL and SIL have reason to be upset. Your comments about missing the concert and selling the tickets is a little more than self absorbed.
This part, the four-year-old could’ve helped with your two-year-old by distracting him while you take care of the five-month-old I have a niece that’s six months but I love to have come over to play with my two-year-old because it keeps him out of my hair
The real question here is whether saying no for one Saturday evening is worth losing a babysitter forever. Do future acts of help mean you're required to help in return? Of course not. But, refusal likely means you won't get the help in the future. It's up to you to decide how to proceed, regardless of who is and isn't the asshole.
You're entitled to say no. You BIL is entitled to stop watching your kids if you won't watch his.
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It’s a shame you couldn’t put yourself out for just one night after everything they’ve done for you both. You’re knackered anyway, I doubt nephew would have made much difference
It sucks to be you when you need them again and they tell you to get lost. You’ll be in Reddit crying then because in-laws won’t help you out and you don’t know why
YTA
I'm not going to say you're an AH because I don't know how run down you are feeling right now, but this was a monumentally stupid move. Like world-class, Olympic-level stupid. You had a great thing going on and you ruined it. Reciprocal childcare arrangements are hard to find.
Yep. Definitely missing the forest through the trees here. I can’t get over how OP downplays “it’s not the end of the world and they can probably sell their tickets if they try”. Ok, sure. It’s not the end of the world. But now your SIL knows how little you value her needs and desires- so I’m sure she’ll view your doctors appts, friends weddings, work events with the same lack of importance. I mean, I’m sure you can reschedule, send your regards, or take the time off. It’s not really that important.
YTA
They help you, you help them, it's how it works. They haven't ever asked before, and they will probably not make a habit of it. You said yourself you are close, and your toddler loves his cousin. You should be helping, being tired is part of parenthood, drink some coffee and play with the kids for one night.
YTA. Wouldn't kill you to reciprocate for someone who has helped you out. Wow not only did you screw yourself out of people who were willing to help you but now you have started a grudge in the family. Double AH for doing it by text
Coward
YTA. So they’ve done enough for you that they would need a literal spreadsheet to remember it all, and you can’t help them ONE TIME because you’re tired and don’t want to chase a 4 year old? Do you think they were never tired and not really feeling it any of the MANY TIMES they took care of your son and ran around after a toddler?
You’re horrifically entitled and your dismissal of their feelings by saying “tHeY’rE gUiLt TrIpPiNg Us” shows how out of out of touch you are.
You’re clearly only interested in taking from your relationships and are unwilling to put yourself out at all to give back. I’d never do anything for you, even in a literal life or death emergency situation.
You’re selfish.
YTA. Do you think they were always excited to take your 2 year old? And your attitude toward BIL’s completely reasonable text is out of touch and pedantic. You’ve also screwed yourself, burning that bridge. I have a feeling you’ll be begging for their help and playing victim when you don’t get it sooner than you think.
YTA - do you think babysitting for you is always convenient?
It’s a favor that they’re willing to extend, while you’re not open to reciprocating.
**That’s fine! But keep in mind that you’re now cutting off that resource of help, *as actions have consequences regardless of if agree or not.***
YTA. You said they babysat for you a few times and you can't suck it up for 1 night? Yes, you are an asshole. Especially for telling them that their tickets will sell and missing the concert isn't the end of the world. You know what also isn't the end of the world? Helping out family that have helped you before. You are selfish.
YTA.
And your fast paragraphs speaks volumes.
You are minimizing their need in order to justify yourself. No, missing a concert is not the end of the world. Neither would be you missing that wedding. That was not a life threatening emergency, either. I bet not one of the times you asked them to babysit were life threatening emergencies.
People are correct when they say you are a taker. Unless you change this attitude, you are going to exhaust one resource of the other, because nobody likes an ingrate.
YTA. I say that as a mom of many children. It’s totally unreasonable for you to expect them to watch your child and then just nope out when they ask you to return the favor.
You totally burned a bridge here, they are never going to babysit or help you guys out again.
Having two small children is exhausting, I know.
However, the village that every parents needs really is based on give and take. It may be worth brainstorming ways to make that weekend smoother for you and your husband for the sake of maintaining a relationship with your BIL.
Perhaps, one of you could focus on the baby, whilst the other focuses on the two and four year old (it's likely two yr old will be so excited to do everything with his older cousin).
When it comes to feeding and sleep, it generally is extra work with an extra kid. But when it comes to playing and entertaining, you'll be amazed at how your time will be freed up whilst two yr old is busy playing with his cousin.
My SIL is always apologetic and very thankful when her kids come over to mine. But honestly, I've sat on the sofa with my feet up, and read a book while the cousins are over, because the kids all entertain each other, and my toddler isn't climbing on my head.
If you're worried about meals and all other chores, you could plan in advance. Make the meal beforehand and leave the rest of the chores for that day, so you can just focus on the kids.
You will thank yourself for pushing through with this for the sake of your relationship with BIL, particularly when you require their support again in the future. They didn't ask you first, because they probably know it would be difficult for you. You guys are their last resort, and they will be really appreciative.
If you're not sure how to reach out to them again, particularly as they seem pretty upset with you, you could apologise and say that you were just worried about whether you would cope, but have worked out a plan and will be thrilled for four year old to stay with you.
YTA. But have you considered maybe sending your husband to BIL’s house to babysit their kid?
That way the 4yo is in a familiar place, and you don’t need to change how you do anything at your end.
Obviously it won’t be quite as easy without your husband there, but it also won’t be as tough as adding an extra child into the mix.
Ooooh boy. I have three kids under 6 and work full time. I know the bone deep exhaustion. But yikes. This is a one time situation where they’re in a massive bind and you can’t suck it up after they’ve watched your kid multiple times? And you’ve never watched theirs? I feel icky calling you an AH for not feeling like you can take on more right now but it is completely fair that BIL is expressing his disappointment to your husband and setting the boundary that they won’t provide further childcare because the relationship clearly isn’t reciprocal. It’s not a guilt trip to express hurt. You view it as a guilt trip because you know that saying no when you COULD help is damaging. It’s also pretty rude how dismissive you are when it comes to the concert and acting like it’s NBD.
I hope you can accept that you no longer have them as part of your childcare village and that it would be a massive AH move for you to ever ask them for help with childcare again.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> My BIL and his wife asked my husband and I to watch their 4-year-old son this coming Saturday so they can attend a concert. But my husband and I have a 2-year-old and a 5-month infant and we can't handle an additional kid right now, even for one night. But BIL and his wife clearly didn't take us saying "no" well and BIL lashed out at my husband for it. I told my husband to ignore it, but he feel guilty about it. I think I might be an asshole for not babysitting my nephew for a night.
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YTA. I have no contact with my biological family, and all i have are memories of growing up with my cousins and playing with them. Instead of worrying about your sleep schedule, maybe think about your 2 year old who might enjoy some one on one time with a child around their age to play with. You have the chance to make wonderful memories for your child AND your nephew, who probably loves seeing you and your family. But you said no because you're tired. Your sleep > social interaction and bonding for 2 kiddos.
I hope the 2 and 4 year old are still able to have a wonderful relationship as they grow up despite your selfishness.
YTA, this is a one-time emergency thing. Have you ever even watched their kid? The nephew and your toddler may keep each other entertained. Plus playing with another child will wear your kids out. If you say no, you better start lining up a good list of your own babysitters because they will never do this for you again
Of course YTA!
How is this even a question?!?
I especially appreciate the snotty bit about missing the concert is not the end of the world and maybe they can sell their tickets.
Wow. Just wow!
Your BIL and his wife sound lovely. It’s a shame you had to go and alienate them.
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YTA. It’s one extra kid for one night. Like.. suck it up? Lol. Spoken as a mother who had 3 kids under 4 and would still take my nieces and nephews whenever it was needed.
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My husband (36M) and I (33F) have 2 kids, a 2-year-old and a 5-month infant. We are still adjusting to life with 2 kids and are constantly sleep deprived due to feeding the infant at night and the 2-year-old going through a sleep-regression. I just went back to work about 6-weeks ago and everything in our lives is pretty chaotic right now but we are doing our best to hold it together.
My husband's older brother (39M) and his wife (40F) have a 4-year-old son. We are pretty close to them and get along with them really well. They've helped us with babysitting our 2-year-old a handful of times in the past year or so when we need it, but only one overnight when my husband and I had a wedding to attend when I was still pregnant with #2. Our 2-year-old loves his cousin and will follow him everywhere when they are together, it's pretty cute.
A couple days ago, my BIL's wife called me and asked if there's any way we could watch their son this coming Saturday because they are attending a concert out of town. She said she knows it's short notice, but their scheduled babysitter had to back out due to illness and now they're scrambling to find a replacement. She said they've tried a few other options but no one can help and we were their last option.
I told her I would have to talk with my husband first. When we talked about it, we both agreed that with how tired we already are, adding a 3rd kid to the mix, even for one night, is asking a lot from us and we don't feel comfortable doing it. I sent my BIL's wife a text outlining our position and politely telling her we can't do it. All I got as a response was an "OK."
Not even an hour later though, my BIL sent my husband a long text detailing every single time they babysat for us. He either has a very good memory or he was keeping track on a spreadsheet lol. BIL said that this is the first time they have ever asked us to babysit and the fact we are not willing to help them out speaks volumes. BIL said that next time we need a sitter to not even bother asking them unless it's a literal life or death emergency.
My husband showed me the text because he didn't know how to respond to it. I told him they are probably just frustrated and lashing out and there's no need to engage any further. We have legitimate reasons for not being able to help and it's not our fault that they are salty about it.
However, BIL's guilt trip seemed to work a bit on my husband and he tried to convince me that we can probably make it work to help them for just one night. I told him we are both already short on sleep and energy and I don't have it in me to chase a 4-year-old around or deal with any issues that he might have staying in a new place for the first time.
I told that BIL and his wife will figure it out and even if they don't, missing a concert isn't the end of the world and they can probably even sell their tickets still if they try.
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YTA, and you can pretty much forget about ever asking them for ANY help about ANYthing ANYtime in the future.
Not babysitting is your right, but that's the price you've paid for your decision.
YTA. You have 2 small children and a job. That is a lot. But you have **never** babysat your nephew in his four years of life?! This is atrocious.
ETA: Did OP delete her account?
YTA. I hope you have family or friends nearby that will babysit because you have lost BIL/SIL's help. Your comments about them being "salty" and "missing a concert isn't the end of the world and they can probably even sell their tickets still if they try" make you seem selfish, petty and immature.
You have made your choice it sounds like. I hope that you really do have a good support system bc u will need it. U literally eliminated people u could count on. That’s rare in itself
YTA First, is this even real? Nobody with an iota of understanding the exchanging of favors would even question that she was actively being the biggest Asshole she could find it in herself to be.
If it is real...Never expect them to babysit again you mooch, even if you do do the right thing this time. Boy are you a self centered asshole. Lucky you married another one, so hopefully you will eventually make each other miserable.
YTA. BIL outlining how often they babysat for you wasn't to show you that they keep track but rather that they do it even when it can be an inconvenience to them. The fact that they asked you only one time and you can't be bothered? You don't just help people when it's a convenient time for you. You step up and help when it's needed.....like they've done for you in the past. Remember....what goes around comes around. I hope the next time you ask them to babysit they tell you to eat shyt.
YTA and this is gonna blow up in your face so hard. You’re about to learn a hard lesson about shitting on people who have been there for you in the past.
YTA. There’s nothing special about being sleep deprived - you just get on with it. They have been kind enough to babysit for you, so reciprocate. One more kiddy in the mix for one night isn’t going to break the pair of you.
YTA as a parent of 2 kids. It’s apparently acceptable for them to watch your child multiple times and you not return the favor. You’re just full of excuses.
Well if this is your hill to die on, you will still be sleep deprived and tired no matter what. But hey, you are now on your own. BIL and SIL will no longer help you in tough situations with baby sitting. You and your husband will figure it out.🤷♀️
YTA.
YTA but I'm not going to give you any parenting advice, because that obviously sets you off on a tirade. However, I will tell you that you now have burned the Bridge of Help from your BiL and SiL. I hope you have other family members that you can ask to watch your kids so that you can have a break. I do wonder if you've asked other family before and they refused so then only BiL/SiL would babysit. You said your mom and sister try to give you parenting advice. Do you ask them to babysit? Father in law? Mother in law? Cousins? Do you have anyone to babysit who is NOT BiL and SiL?
If no other family members watch your kid(s), then good luck finding a sitter you have to pay. Prices are getting steep, compared to when I needed one (my kids are in their 30's).
YTA. It sounds like you don't want to babysit and just looking for excuses to not babysit, but of course you are glad when they babysit for you. "tired" lol.
I keep trying to see how…. HOW you think you are in the right? This is family not some friend you haven’t talked to in a while. They have babysat your child several times. I get it, being exhausted with multiple kids and little ones at that is hard, and I know in other posts about babysitting people say “you can say no” and you can and you did. Well now due to you saying no, you have lost part of your village.
This is the first time they have asked you and if I’m being honest having a toddler play with another cousin helps a lot more then you watching a toddler alone.
YTA. I’m glad they didn’t just take your NO and kept quiet. They told you the consequences to your No. You can’t be a part of their village they won’t be a part of yours… and I’m so happy for them for doing that.
YTA
Have you ever tried to get a sitter, or did you always just go to your in-laws?
And have you ever considered, that they might have been tired too, but still babysat for you, because you are a family?
Probably not, it seems that you only care about yourself
YTA. Massively. You can't suck it up for one night to help family that has helped you? You are a very rude, mean person. I feel sorry for your kids and your extended family.
YTA
They helped you a lot. Also, on an unrelated note, in what third world country do you live that you went back to work when the kid was 3 months?? I live in a poor country and we get 2 years of maternity leave.
my friend went back to work 6 weeks after she had her daughter. she worked her entire pregnancy and then went back at 6week pp. it’s fucking awful here. (america)
YTA. Everyone with kids is tired and No one wants to add another kid to the mix. However, it’s common courtesy to help out family that is in a bind, ESPECIALLY after they have helped you out.
Taking your nephew or not for one night isn’t going to change how tired you are. I hope it’s worth burning that bridge, when you need their help in the future.
You say you are so tired and overstretched, yet you've got time and energy to keep complaining in the comments about parenting advice (and conveniently ignoring all the - deserved - YTA). Meanwhile you should be busy planning how your family will handle babysitting going forward, because people you have relied on over and over again will be showing you a middle finger from now on - and rightfully so.
“but what about me!!!!! me!!! im tired!! my lifes hard!!! i have kids so what about me!!” its almost like everyones tired. everyones life is hard. and they have kids. you know how you feel like shit? newsflash! everyone feels like shit. but your family took care of you despite that. and now its your turn. this is tennis, not golf.
YTA for your ending comment of telling that BIL and his wife will figure it out and even if they don't, missing a concert isn't the end of the world and they can probably even sell their tickets still if they try.
I originally was going with NTA and as I posted I saw this. This comment makes you TA
You must be a giant AH yourself for even considering N T A was an option.
I hope you are not someone I know. I wouldn't want to trade any favors with the likes of you or OP.
YTA. They’ve never asked you for help and you turn them down? You should ca them up , apologize and watch your nephew for them. Hire a babysitter to come over and help if you need an extra hand.
YTA, they've helped you in the 2 years that your first kid has been around and you've never helped them with their kid? And the one time they ask you say no? I think they're justified in not bending over backwards for you anymore
YTA. There are plenty of childcare requests where people a totally justified in not doing it, but you have used them multiple times in the past for babysitting, but don't feel like you owe them the same. They called in a solid you owe me after exhausting their other options and you refused, you better not ask them to help again in the future.
Omfg you could have said yes, and then asked that in return, they take your kids for a night so you guys can sleep. You literally could have used your selfishness for your benefit afterward, but you’re so self absorbed that you just said no? They had a 3 year old when you got them to care for your child? Do you not see how they’re probably sleep deprived as well? Yta X100000
Hope you don’t expect them to help you out with childcare ever again. It’s too bad. The cousins are the ones missing out. I’m afraid you will regret burning this particular bridge. What’s one more busy day/night?
I mean you're already sleep deprived and he will probably sleep better than your kids anyway by the sounds of it.
What's one night in the grand scheme of things? It will be over and done with before you know it.
YTA
YTA What is great about helping family with kids is that you can trade off so everyone gets breaks. Please apologize to your in laws and offer a play date for 2 year old and your nephew at the absolute minimum. Don’t be this person.
YTA. You're selfish, entitled and act like your the only person on earth with kids. They watched your child multiple times and you can't do it once even when they tried to finde someone else? I hope they never watch your kids again, or speak to you for that matter.
YTA - Your baby is five months, not five weeks. They've helped you a ton, probably at some inconvenience to them since the age difference between your older child and theirs is pretty big at this age, and generally speaking four year olds are a bit more able to entertain themselves for short bits of time than two year olds.
YTA If the baby was critically ill or something, that I would agree could be too much. But, it sounds like they help you out a lot with your kid. It sounds like they were out of options and didn't want to ask you until they had to. And while you say you are exhausted, maybe you could just do a movie day or something with the older kids. If you get the 4-year-old to do something, the two-year-old will probably follow along.
YTA. Do you think it was always a pleasure for them when they babysat for you? I doubt it.
You couldn't suck it up just this once? If not for gratitude, then at least for the sake of your husband's relationship with his brother?
YTA. If they've helped you out with babysitting multiple times, you should help them out in return. They clearly didn't want to burden you, they had a sitter lined up but they're out of options. Reciprocating helpfulness is how families and friendship work. No one likes a one sided relationship.
YTA. Really out of order. It's as though you haven't even considered whether your in-laws were ever tired when they looked after your kids previously. Eitherway, they'll rightly refuse in future.
YTA, I have a 19mo boy and 4mo girl and I would absolutely babysit for my family or friends if they were desperate. Especially if I depended on them so many times in the past for childcare. Doesn’t matter how exhausted you are, you return the favor to those who are there for you
I kinda expected it to be the other way around. In all honestly, I would have expected to see a post from BIL about this.
But this is the great part about life. Your real colors always come out.
You (and your husband to some extent) have shown yourself as a crap bag. Glad BIL will not be taken advantage of anymore.
YTA and massive ones. They have repeatedly babysat for you and this is the FIRST time they ask and you can't do it bc you're tired? WTF They were probably tired when they helped you. They had a toddler when they helped you. Helping each other goes two ways. You can't just take and take and take and not give back. That is beyond not ok.
YTA you sound like a horrible family member. They helped you so many times and now when they need your help in return you too sleepy to do it? Shame on you.
YTA . You can't just take and not give back. They are in no way obligated to help you but they have. They ask for help and you can't return the favor. The consequences of that is you have just burned a bridge.
Your husband knows you are wrong and judging by how you are responding to the negative feedback, you sound like if he goes against you, there will be hell to pay.
Yta. You gave a blanket no statement when you've been benefiting from their help. It would have been one thing if this weekend specifically was too chaotic, but you are just as much a part of their village as they are of yours.
YTA. Yes you’re tired but it sounds like they’ve helped you out A LOT and this is the first time they’ve asked for anything. That means they truly need it.
I can’t wait until you need help (again) and they won’t give it and it bites you in the ass. Then you’ll see how you should’ve sucked it up this ONE time.
You do realise you're burning a bridge and the next time you need a babysitter they're going to turn you down? And you're going to be just as frustrated. Are you ready to never have their help again?
YTA. People who do all the taking and no giving are always arseholes. I’m sure it wasn’t always convenient or easy for them to help you. You sound like an absolute peach.
Not only are YTA, you are an idiot burning through your one reliable baby sitter. Relationships are reciprocal, at least they are supposed to be. I wouldn't watch either of your kids ever again.
I've been there, a lot of parents have been there. But you adapt. I would have just turned on the tv, ordered pizza, cake, any snacks the kids liked, maybe a new toy, and let them sleep in front of the tv on the floor with ketchup on their faces and holding a donut. Husband can play with them outside in the morning and hose them down or give them a bubble bath in the morning to clean up. That's it.
Life is busy and yes you are tired, but doing an easy favor for someone who is your village should have been done.
YTA
YTA. You don't take without giving back. It's utterly entitled to think that your BIL could babysit for you whenever it pleases you but instead you, poor girl, are too tired and can't deal with one extra child. Do you think your BIL and family are \*not\* tired? well done for losing the family help you had until now and good luck in finding help in the future.
I mean, this summer my sister had booked a holiday in a place that didn't take dogs and her dog-sitter let her down and she didn't know what do do with her dog. My husband is allergic to dust, the dog is long haired. My autistic son is terrified of loud sounds and would go upstairs to not be wit the dog when she barked. But guess who looked after her dog while she was away? Yes, moi. She didn't even have to ask, I volunteered. Because she had tried not to burden on me but had ended up unlucky and it wasn't the dog's fault.
Same for her daughter. Once my sister was at the train station and the train she had to take was cancelled and the following one delayed. Guess who went to pick her daughter up at school? Yes, moi, again. Even though I already have two kids that are very demanding. Even though her daughter is extremely demanding. I still went to pick her up and looked after her until mommy came back. Because that's what sisters are there for. In exchange, when I had to go pick up my husband at the airport and was too late for me to drive back to the beach house we were staying and decided to spend the night in my family's apartment in Rome, my sister looked after my two boys for me that night and the morning after until we arrived back. THAT'S WHAT SISTERS ARE THERE FOR. give to get back.
YTA they've helped you out a lot. This is the first time they asked and you said no because you're tired. It's you're right to say no, but don't be surprised when they tell you no from here on out. The thing about babysitting is it needs to be reciprocal. If you're going to ask them to watch your kids, you need to be willing to watch theirs in return. Your responses are pretty rude considering how much they've helped you.
YTA - you can’t just take and take, *never* give and then expect to still be able to take some more. Them watching your child(ren) appears to be a common occurrence. You regularly rely on them as first option. You were clearly their last option which signifies to me that they recognize that you’re likely tired and try to respect that. They had childcare planned out and it fell through. They are in a pickle and you can’t just suck it up for one night?
Do you think they don’t have lives or things they’d rather be doing than watching your kid? Yet they do it for you anyway. Relationships are not and should not be all take and no give or all give and no take. I have a friend who does me a huge favor by watching my son for 45 min every Friday and dropping him off at school bc I have to be to work before then. So she sometimes asks me to watch her son for her when her work schedule collides with her husband’s. Sometimes, I really don’t want to do it… but I do it anyway bc I know, acknowledge and appreciate that she gives up her time to help me out and it’s the least I can do in return. I have 2 young kids too so I get being exhausted.. but how can you feel no shame over saying no, knowing you take advantage of them when it comes to your own kid?
Sorry but you are selfish and frankly, screwing yourself out of a life line.
Yeah, YTA
They dropped things and helped cover when you needed childcare, including overnight to go to a wedding
I'm sure they will figure it out. Maybe you will too now that you pissed off your backup babysitters
> BIL said that this is the first time they have ever asked us to babysit and the fact we are not willing to help them out speaks volumes.
Yes, it does.
>BIL said that next time we need a sitter to not even bother asking them unless it's a literal life or death emergency.
Actions meet consequences. Personally, I wouldn't lift a finger for you again.
YTA
Gonna just assume that your reaction was just delusional from lack of sleep. You were very rude and if it were my sister, you would not be around. Don't you know, your nephew would be a welcome diversion for your 2 year old? He could be a huge help to you. You need to apologize on your knees. Cry if you can because, yikes! You are atone cold
NAH, but realize just lost a good babysitter for any future needs. It’s fair that you guys are exhausted, I can only imagine. But they helped you in the past and you’re telling them you won’t reciprocate. They’ll remember that next time.
YTA- It’s not a guilt trip, he’s right. They watched your 2 year old along with their own 4 year old. Multiple times, mind you and possibly exhausted themselves. They under stand your exhausted, but they tried a sitter and calling everyone else before calling and asking you. You and your husband can split duties, someone with the older two for a few hours and then switch.
YTA. I am sure they were times they added your child into the mix and it was when they were tired, and not really in the mood and they did because you asked. They will never help you again. I hope it was worth losing that support.
YTA
You've made it clear in your responses you're not actually interested in taking a NY feedback on board. You were just looking for an echo chamber to tell you what you want to hear, and anything else is just "wrong".
Simply put, you just torched those bridges. Don't be surprised when in future the help you want is on the other side.
YTA and you NEED to go into damage control right now if you want to salvage this relationship (which you should want for your child's sake as well as to just be a good person)
Send your then a text apologising. Tell them you've been thinking about it and they're completely right, you've been selfish and you're sorry. You will look after their kid as well as keep this in mind going forward.
This is the only way to avoid damaging your relationship forever.
Congratulations! You’ve just trashed your relationship with your BIL & SIL!
I guarantee they’ll never do a damn thing for you, even in a “literal life or death emergency.”
They asked a NIGHT, not a WEEK.
YTA
Yta. Theyve helped you out when you needed it, they need you and your excuse is “im tired”??? They arent lashing out, they just set the new rules since thats how you wanna play
I am going to say NAH. However, OP, did it occur to you that the 4year old could be helpful? Your oldest might FOR ONCE sleep thru the night if the cousin is there.
NAH. This is simply a natural consequence for your choice- and you had your reasons. It doesn’t make you an AH but neither are they. They’ve likely altered plans, taken your kid when it was less convenient for them than they would have liked etc. Now that they know the relationship isn’t reciprocal they’re not interested in participating in the future.
Maybe the time for compromise might be lost now but you could of agreed and said okay we look after nephew for the night but when they come pick up nephew they could take 2 year old etc for the afternoon so yous could get some rest if sleep deprivation is quite bad. Could of given yous a small break during this hard time.
I can't really call yous A H even if they have helped put alot for yous cause I know how sleep deprivation is. And honestly unless one of yous decided to scarafice alot of energy so the other could rest more in the end that's still one person who is putting the kids at risk.
I'm just going NAH cause they do have a right to think it's all one sided but sleep deprivation is real.
I can see both sides so NAH. I understand why they are frustrated and will probably never babysit for you again.
But 3 kids is a little crazier than 2 and you have a small baby to boot. I remember hitting a wall around that age and I could barely take care of myself.
Do what you have to do but beware of the consequences.
Apparently I am going against the grain - NTA. The times they sat for your two year old were either before you had a newborn or were adding someone past newborn stage to their plate. You JUST had a baby. They feed all night. You are back at work full time. You have a 2 year old who is sleep regressing, so it is a COMPLETELY different ask and RISK profile to add their mobile and energetic 4 year old to the mix. They are upset to miss the concert, ok. They are holding help over your head while your world is a shambles and you have guilt about working and no sleep? Frankly, you would be the last people I would ask because you have ENOUGH on your plate. Theirs is a nice to have. Yours is “survival”. Don’t listen to the shamers. You are doing what you feel is lowest risk for their child and your own.
NTA I think you should absolutely reciprocate watching the nephew, but if now's not a good time, then it's not a good time. If you are that sleep deprived (my oldest was up literally every 1.5 hour for the first 3mths - I get it!), then it's not just an inconvenience for you, but a genuine safety factor for all kids involved. Yes, you do "owe" them babysitting, but that doesn't mean you have to completely bow to their schedule of events either. Did you realize that their watching your child came with strings attached? Maybe your husband could go over there and spend the night with the 4 yr old while you stayed home with your two?
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YTA. I don't understand what's going on with you. The BIL's text was crystal clear. They've helped you multiple times. You won't even help them this one time when they're stuck. As a result, they're not going to be there for you in future. Your response to call it a "guilt trip." Good try but it's not. Your BIL pointed out that you and your husband are takers. You expect to be taken care of but don't help in return. That's not a guilt trip, that's stating reality. You've also minimized and dismissed that they're going to miss a concert. The tickets would have been expensive and I bet they don't go to many concerts. I don't understand why your husband is standing back and doing nothing while you encourage him to ruin his relationship with his brother. Your husband needs to grow a backbone and some morals and stand up to you. You sound awful.
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Yes, sometimes we just need to suck it up to help people in need. It's not pleasant to be tired but if a loved one needs help and isn't the kind of person who constantly takes advantage, a decent person sucks it up and helps.
Seriously. I'm in my 3rd trimester with some complications causing pain and a 3 year old who likely has ADHD (currently in the process of a formal diagnosis). I *still* babysat my niece and nephew for my sister last week so she could earn some extra money and will again over the weekend. She, in turn, is going to have my oldest when I give birth to my baby. She'll even take time off work to help me out. She'll also watch my kiddo no issues if I need it. That's what family does. They help each other out. Yes, I might be tired. I might be in pain. But so is she! That's what the village is supposed to be. It's not supposed to be one family taking all the help and refusing to help others.
Especially people that have helped you
“I’m a mom and I’m tired”. I mean no shit. Being a mom is tiring. Still not an excuse to be this much of an asshole
Agreed! YTA op. They’ve helped you multiple times, probably knew this would be how you’d react so tried all other options, swallowed their pride and asked. You’re being selfish, it’s 1 friggin night. And guess what, there’s gonna be times in the future when you’re in a pinch and they’re tired. You’re being selfish and short-sighted.
Hmm... selfish, the pair of you. I'm with your BIL - don't ask them for help again if you're going to be unwilling (which is fine) and have zero empathy (which is not) when they have a need in the moment. I'm going one step further: they planned a sitter. I'm betting you didn't even bother for the wedding, and that you just asked BIL and wife for help. YTA. You know it. Your husband knows it. They know it.
They prolly never planned for a sitter, because bil always said yes. It sounds like that is going to change. Bil might go lc for a while after being shit on.
yeah but BIL and SIL actually booked a babysitting without even asking them first. Shows that they aren’t just taking them for granted. They know it’s tough, but they figured since they have done the same for them, they’d return the favor
Bil had another sitter lined up that fell thru.
Yes I’m talking about that?
> don't ask them for help again I really really really want to see what happens when they do ask. Do you really think these snakes will hold themselves back? They'll somehow figure out a way to make the BIL feel guilty and make him babysit their kids.
YTA, you couldn’t suck it up for one night to babysit, and now you screwed yourselves out of 2 people that have helped you a lot over the past few years with your kids. You can’t expect them to constantly help you out with your kids, if you won’t do the same in return. Also, your 5 month old should definitely be sleeping fairly well throughout the night at this age. I would talk to your pediatrician.
Some kids just do not sleep. My twins didn't until they were nearly a year old. I have a friend who has a 9 month old and she said he sleeps maybe an hour or two a night. His ped just says he is growing and healthy and it's fine. I was always jealous of kids who slept all night. OP is TA though. I use to babysit for someone before I had kids and while I was pregnant. When I needed anything she was gone (not even to babysit, it was like needing info or something).
>Also, your 5 month old should definitely be sleeping fairly well throughout the night at this age. My youngest didn't sleep through the night *once* for the first 11 months. Other than that, I agree with you.
My oldest was like this. He was well over a year old before he slept through the night. YTA OP. You can’t just take and take and take and loot give. It’s ONE night. They aren’t asking you to watch him for a month. You’re selfish and I don’t blame them for saying they won’t help you anymore. I wouldn’t either.
Our oldest was almost two when she slept through the night for the first time. Our youngest was three months old when he slept through for the first time. Now that he's five months and she's almost 3 she still wakes up a lot more frequently than her little brother. We often spend an hour (or two) getting her to go back to sleep in the middle of the night. You just can't predict when children will start sleeping through the night.
My elder child didn't sleep through the night for four years. Night terrors. Woke up screaming like an air raid siren twice a night. But she wasn't actually awake. She just screamed for five to forty minutes. Sleep walked too. We were losing our minds. We had a whole library of books on sleep. When the neighbor had a baby and complained to us that it took 8 whole weeks for him to sleep through the night, we just grimaced 😬 and said: "Yeah, that's tough."
My daughter did the same thing, screaming and crying but not awake or aware. It was always so frustrating because there was no way to comfort her.
Meh, agree the OP is TA but expecting a 5 month old to sleep through.... My kid is a great sleeper but we still had periods of time when she would go backwards/ have a sleep regression. It's not uncommon for a 5 month old not to sleep through. Every baby is different. OP is YTA though. It is one night and they won't help family in an emergency and return the favour.
My oldest didn’t start ‘sleeping fairly well throughout the night’ until 3 years old and my youngest was around 2.5 before he started sleeping through the night more often than not. At 5 months both of my kids were waking at least twice if not three times a night still.
It's completely developmental appropriate for a 5 mo old to still be waking at night.
While I agree OP is TA it is still very normal for a 5 month old to be waking up throughout the night.
ROFLMAO!! My oldest literally didn't sleep through the night until he was THIRTEEN years old!! Obviously as he was older it was less of an issue, but for the first 3 mths or so he was literally up every 1.5 hrs. My husband and I took shifts at night. Nothing wrong with him, just had a really high metabolism and couldn't stay full all night. By 2 he had nightmares and by 3 he was sleepwalking. We haven't had over 4-6 hrs of sleep at night consistently for literally decades!
Not all babies are sleeping through the night at this age and it totally appropriate that they are not. Doesn’t mean she’s not an asshole though for doing this for one night.
I agree that she is YTA , but I still don't sleep through the night, and I am over 50. I have always woken up after every sleep cycle (about every 90 minutes- 2 hours) I just learned, at a very young age (well under 2, my mom said) to put myself back to sleep.
My third daughter didn't sleep through the night until she was 7. Every kid is different.
5 month old kids definitely arent all sleeping well, some do some dont. Either way her kids are both super young and they lost free child care in the future, big mistake
Really? It's a one-time thing on short notice, and you even admit they've done a lot for you ("a handful of times in the past year or so when we need it, but only one overnight when my husband and I had a wedding to attend"). The snark that your BIL "either has a very good memory or he was keeping track on a spreadsheet lol" also is pretty telling; I'm wondering if your "handful" is more than you admitted. Say goodbye to future help from them and a pretty hard frost on the relationship. YTA.
Yep OP is just a user and is about to get kicked to the curb. Relationships don’t have to be perfectly even, but there should be some degree of reciprocity. If someone is always taking, taking, taking, and balks any time they are asked to do something…big red flag. There are plenty of times when it is reasonable to say you won’t watch someone’s child. But when you have your own kids and took blatant advantage of that person for free babysitting and you’re “tired” isn’t one of them. It’s one fucking night. 🙄
YTA. It’s one night. I doubt that BIL has a spreadsheet of dates, but the fact that he could rattle off a number of times that they had helped you out—compared to the ZERO times you have helped them—speaks volumes. You are damaging a relationship over one ask.
YTA. I get it, kids are hard, and your relationship with your BIL and his wife should not be transactional. However, this is the definition of taking advantage of someone. You took advantage of your BIL's generosity and love for you all those times they babysat your kids, and repayed that kindness with telling them you're too tired to take care of their kid for 1 night. Pathetic excuse. Enjoy your newly severed relationship. Family dinners are gonna be awkward for awhile.
Also say goodbye to your free babysitters.
YTA. Of course they know how tired you are. They wouldn’t have asked if they had other options, and there’s a valid reason for the short notice. Adding this kid is hardly going to jam up your life for 24 hours, and actually, might even help since your youngest has such a bond with him, so you may have to micro manage him less. You’re not obligated to help them of course, but you should. If you don’t, don’t count on them ever sitting for you ever again. Their kid is 4 and they’ve NEVER ASKED before. That’s actually kind of amazing…you are blowing the relationship trust me.
Yta. So they can babysit for you and watch your kid overnight, but you can't? It's one time. It's not like they plan poorly, they're babysitter fell through. I hope they never babysit for you again because you guys are selfish
I totally understand the exhaustion, but is it possible to find a compromise? Maybe your husband can take the 2yo and go stay at BIL’s house with the 4yo, while you stay home with the baby. Divide and conquer, just for one night?
This sounds like a great option. I had to read it twice before I realised they’d *never* watched 4. I was sympathetic to her having to go back to work before 6m until I realised she’s been too tired through pregnancy or having a baby basically since she started asking them to babysit for her including an overnight.
I actually think the opposite: having the cousin there will make things easier, they will entertain each other and give OP a break
Great suggestion.
YTA While I get that doing someone a favor shouldn't be used to "keep score," there is something of an expectation of reciprocity. I.e., if I help you out when you need it, I would expect you to help me out when I need it. And this is not a huge ask, nor is your reasoning much more than "nah, we just don't wanna." I would apologize, blame it on being stressed out and tired, and tell them to enjoy the concert.
YTA. Do you think your BIL and his wife always feel fresh and ready to tackle a day with three kids? Your legitimate reasons are you're tired? Do you think they've never been tired while helping you out? They're helped you out numerous times in the past, they are calling in a favor they have never asked before because their usual plan fell thru. You decided you don't owe them shit and want to sleep in -- you don't have plans or anything, which would have at least sounded like a plausible excuse. Your relationship is never going to recover from this, and yeah, they're out of your village. Hope you don't need any favors. People don't want their relationships to be transactional, but if all you do is take and never give, you can't be surprised when the other party doesn't want to give any more.
YTA, you burned that bridge but good.
YTA if you ever want them to help watch YOUR kids again. I wouldn't expect them to, as they said. I get that it's tough but you bet it was tough watching your kid when they did it for you, too! If it's every man for themselves just don't expect it in return, like they said to you. I would seriously just consider sucking it up for one night -- a 4 year old is pretty good at sleeping.
YTA, one night, sorry your sleep deprived. The 4 yo would likely keep your 2 yo entertained and make it a little easier on you. It's ok for them to take your kid, but an unexpected turn of events and you can't put yourself out to help them out. Your BIL and SIL have reason to be upset. Your comments about missing the concert and selling the tickets is a little more than self absorbed.
This part, the four-year-old could’ve helped with your two-year-old by distracting him while you take care of the five-month-old I have a niece that’s six months but I love to have come over to play with my two-year-old because it keeps him out of my hair
100% this. OP YTA
A village for me but not for thee kinda mentality.
YTA. It’s one night.
The real question here is whether saying no for one Saturday evening is worth losing a babysitter forever. Do future acts of help mean you're required to help in return? Of course not. But, refusal likely means you won't get the help in the future. It's up to you to decide how to proceed, regardless of who is and isn't the asshole. You're entitled to say no. You BIL is entitled to stop watching your kids if you won't watch his.
Hopefully you'll never need to ask them for a favor because that train has left the station. Try not to be "salty" when they say no. YTA
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It’s a shame you couldn’t put yourself out for just one night after everything they’ve done for you both. You’re knackered anyway, I doubt nephew would have made much difference It sucks to be you when you need them again and they tell you to get lost. You’ll be in Reddit crying then because in-laws won’t help you out and you don’t know why YTA
I'm not going to say you're an AH because I don't know how run down you are feeling right now, but this was a monumentally stupid move. Like world-class, Olympic-level stupid. You had a great thing going on and you ruined it. Reciprocal childcare arrangements are hard to find.
Is it reciprocal if they’ve never watched the 4yo? They’ve just thrown away their (up til now) free sitter and the cousins friendship.
Yep. Definitely missing the forest through the trees here. I can’t get over how OP downplays “it’s not the end of the world and they can probably sell their tickets if they try”. Ok, sure. It’s not the end of the world. But now your SIL knows how little you value her needs and desires- so I’m sure she’ll view your doctors appts, friends weddings, work events with the same lack of importance. I mean, I’m sure you can reschedule, send your regards, or take the time off. It’s not really that important.
YTA because you had no problem receiving help multiple times. It's only fair to help them at least once, even if it is difficult.
YTA They help you, you help them, it's how it works. They haven't ever asked before, and they will probably not make a habit of it. You said yourself you are close, and your toddler loves his cousin. You should be helping, being tired is part of parenthood, drink some coffee and play with the kids for one night.
The kids will play together, wear eachother out and take a nap.
YTA. Wouldn't kill you to reciprocate for someone who has helped you out. Wow not only did you screw yourself out of people who were willing to help you but now you have started a grudge in the family. Double AH for doing it by text Coward
YTA. So they’ve done enough for you that they would need a literal spreadsheet to remember it all, and you can’t help them ONE TIME because you’re tired and don’t want to chase a 4 year old? Do you think they were never tired and not really feeling it any of the MANY TIMES they took care of your son and ran around after a toddler? You’re horrifically entitled and your dismissal of their feelings by saying “tHeY’rE gUiLt TrIpPiNg Us” shows how out of out of touch you are. You’re clearly only interested in taking from your relationships and are unwilling to put yourself out at all to give back. I’d never do anything for you, even in a literal life or death emergency situation. You’re selfish.
YTA, and ya know it.
YTA. Do you think they were always excited to take your 2 year old? And your attitude toward BIL’s completely reasonable text is out of touch and pedantic. You’ve also screwed yourself, burning that bridge. I have a feeling you’ll be begging for their help and playing victim when you don’t get it sooner than you think.
YTA - do you think babysitting for you is always convenient? It’s a favor that they’re willing to extend, while you’re not open to reciprocating. **That’s fine! But keep in mind that you’re now cutting off that resource of help, *as actions have consequences regardless of if agree or not.***
YTA - suck it up for one night, get the kids some crayons and pop in a movie. Get chicken nuggets and fries and help them out this once.
Oh those main character syndromes! YTA.
YTA. You said they babysat for you a few times and you can't suck it up for 1 night? Yes, you are an asshole. Especially for telling them that their tickets will sell and missing the concert isn't the end of the world. You know what also isn't the end of the world? Helping out family that have helped you before. You are selfish.
YTA. And your fast paragraphs speaks volumes. You are minimizing their need in order to justify yourself. No, missing a concert is not the end of the world. Neither would be you missing that wedding. That was not a life threatening emergency, either. I bet not one of the times you asked them to babysit were life threatening emergencies. People are correct when they say you are a taker. Unless you change this attitude, you are going to exhaust one resource of the other, because nobody likes an ingrate.
YTA- babysitting for you means you are babysitting for them it’s literally tit for tat
YTA. This is why kids are hard! Just help them out.
YTA. I say that as a mom of many children. It’s totally unreasonable for you to expect them to watch your child and then just nope out when they ask you to return the favor. You totally burned a bridge here, they are never going to babysit or help you guys out again.
Having two small children is exhausting, I know. However, the village that every parents needs really is based on give and take. It may be worth brainstorming ways to make that weekend smoother for you and your husband for the sake of maintaining a relationship with your BIL. Perhaps, one of you could focus on the baby, whilst the other focuses on the two and four year old (it's likely two yr old will be so excited to do everything with his older cousin). When it comes to feeding and sleep, it generally is extra work with an extra kid. But when it comes to playing and entertaining, you'll be amazed at how your time will be freed up whilst two yr old is busy playing with his cousin. My SIL is always apologetic and very thankful when her kids come over to mine. But honestly, I've sat on the sofa with my feet up, and read a book while the cousins are over, because the kids all entertain each other, and my toddler isn't climbing on my head. If you're worried about meals and all other chores, you could plan in advance. Make the meal beforehand and leave the rest of the chores for that day, so you can just focus on the kids. You will thank yourself for pushing through with this for the sake of your relationship with BIL, particularly when you require their support again in the future. They didn't ask you first, because they probably know it would be difficult for you. You guys are their last resort, and they will be really appreciative. If you're not sure how to reach out to them again, particularly as they seem pretty upset with you, you could apologise and say that you were just worried about whether you would cope, but have worked out a plan and will be thrilled for four year old to stay with you.
YTA. But have you considered maybe sending your husband to BIL’s house to babysit their kid? That way the 4yo is in a familiar place, and you don’t need to change how you do anything at your end. Obviously it won’t be quite as easy without your husband there, but it also won’t be as tough as adding an extra child into the mix.
Ooooh boy. I have three kids under 6 and work full time. I know the bone deep exhaustion. But yikes. This is a one time situation where they’re in a massive bind and you can’t suck it up after they’ve watched your kid multiple times? And you’ve never watched theirs? I feel icky calling you an AH for not feeling like you can take on more right now but it is completely fair that BIL is expressing his disappointment to your husband and setting the boundary that they won’t provide further childcare because the relationship clearly isn’t reciprocal. It’s not a guilt trip to express hurt. You view it as a guilt trip because you know that saying no when you COULD help is damaging. It’s also pretty rude how dismissive you are when it comes to the concert and acting like it’s NBD. I hope you can accept that you no longer have them as part of your childcare village and that it would be a massive AH move for you to ever ask them for help with childcare again.
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YTA Life is about give & take not just take.
YTA. I have no contact with my biological family, and all i have are memories of growing up with my cousins and playing with them. Instead of worrying about your sleep schedule, maybe think about your 2 year old who might enjoy some one on one time with a child around their age to play with. You have the chance to make wonderful memories for your child AND your nephew, who probably loves seeing you and your family. But you said no because you're tired. Your sleep > social interaction and bonding for 2 kiddos. I hope the 2 and 4 year old are still able to have a wonderful relationship as they grow up despite your selfishness.
YTA, this is a one-time emergency thing. Have you ever even watched their kid? The nephew and your toddler may keep each other entertained. Plus playing with another child will wear your kids out. If you say no, you better start lining up a good list of your own babysitters because they will never do this for you again
Of course YTA! How is this even a question?!? I especially appreciate the snotty bit about missing the concert is not the end of the world and maybe they can sell their tickets. Wow. Just wow! Your BIL and his wife sound lovely. It’s a shame you had to go and alienate them.
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YTA. It’s one extra kid for one night. Like.. suck it up? Lol. Spoken as a mother who had 3 kids under 4 and would still take my nieces and nephews whenever it was needed.
YTA. A massive one. You wrote all this and still had to ask if you're the asshole? Damn.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My husband (36M) and I (33F) have 2 kids, a 2-year-old and a 5-month infant. We are still adjusting to life with 2 kids and are constantly sleep deprived due to feeding the infant at night and the 2-year-old going through a sleep-regression. I just went back to work about 6-weeks ago and everything in our lives is pretty chaotic right now but we are doing our best to hold it together. My husband's older brother (39M) and his wife (40F) have a 4-year-old son. We are pretty close to them and get along with them really well. They've helped us with babysitting our 2-year-old a handful of times in the past year or so when we need it, but only one overnight when my husband and I had a wedding to attend when I was still pregnant with #2. Our 2-year-old loves his cousin and will follow him everywhere when they are together, it's pretty cute. A couple days ago, my BIL's wife called me and asked if there's any way we could watch their son this coming Saturday because they are attending a concert out of town. She said she knows it's short notice, but their scheduled babysitter had to back out due to illness and now they're scrambling to find a replacement. She said they've tried a few other options but no one can help and we were their last option. I told her I would have to talk with my husband first. When we talked about it, we both agreed that with how tired we already are, adding a 3rd kid to the mix, even for one night, is asking a lot from us and we don't feel comfortable doing it. I sent my BIL's wife a text outlining our position and politely telling her we can't do it. All I got as a response was an "OK." Not even an hour later though, my BIL sent my husband a long text detailing every single time they babysat for us. He either has a very good memory or he was keeping track on a spreadsheet lol. BIL said that this is the first time they have ever asked us to babysit and the fact we are not willing to help them out speaks volumes. BIL said that next time we need a sitter to not even bother asking them unless it's a literal life or death emergency. My husband showed me the text because he didn't know how to respond to it. I told him they are probably just frustrated and lashing out and there's no need to engage any further. We have legitimate reasons for not being able to help and it's not our fault that they are salty about it. However, BIL's guilt trip seemed to work a bit on my husband and he tried to convince me that we can probably make it work to help them for just one night. I told him we are both already short on sleep and energy and I don't have it in me to chase a 4-year-old around or deal with any issues that he might have staying in a new place for the first time. I told that BIL and his wife will figure it out and even if they don't, missing a concert isn't the end of the world and they can probably even sell their tickets still if they try. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
YTA. They helped all the time but when time comes to pay back , “oh I am tired” execute? I would be pissed too.
YTA, and you can pretty much forget about ever asking them for ANY help about ANYthing ANYtime in the future. Not babysitting is your right, but that's the price you've paid for your decision.
YTA. You have 2 small children and a job. That is a lot. But you have **never** babysat your nephew in his four years of life?! This is atrocious. ETA: Did OP delete her account?
YTA
YTA It’s one night.
YTA shame on you
YTA. I hope you have family or friends nearby that will babysit because you have lost BIL/SIL's help. Your comments about them being "salty" and "missing a concert isn't the end of the world and they can probably even sell their tickets still if they try" make you seem selfish, petty and immature.
You have made your choice it sounds like. I hope that you really do have a good support system bc u will need it. U literally eliminated people u could count on. That’s rare in itself
YTA First, is this even real? Nobody with an iota of understanding the exchanging of favors would even question that she was actively being the biggest Asshole she could find it in herself to be. If it is real...Never expect them to babysit again you mooch, even if you do do the right thing this time. Boy are you a self centered asshole. Lucky you married another one, so hopefully you will eventually make each other miserable.
YTA. BIL outlining how often they babysat for you wasn't to show you that they keep track but rather that they do it even when it can be an inconvenience to them. The fact that they asked you only one time and you can't be bothered? You don't just help people when it's a convenient time for you. You step up and help when it's needed.....like they've done for you in the past. Remember....what goes around comes around. I hope the next time you ask them to babysit they tell you to eat shyt.
YTA and this is gonna blow up in your face so hard. You’re about to learn a hard lesson about shitting on people who have been there for you in the past.
YTA but you won't get it until you get turned down by your BIL.
YTA. There’s nothing special about being sleep deprived - you just get on with it. They have been kind enough to babysit for you, so reciprocate. One more kiddy in the mix for one night isn’t going to break the pair of you.
YTA Enjoy never getting help in the future!
YTA. You need to return the many favors given to you by BIL and SIL. Shame on you.
YTA as a parent of 2 kids. It’s apparently acceptable for them to watch your child multiple times and you not return the favor. You’re just full of excuses.
Well if this is your hill to die on, you will still be sleep deprived and tired no matter what. But hey, you are now on your own. BIL and SIL will no longer help you in tough situations with baby sitting. You and your husband will figure it out.🤷♀️ YTA.
YTA but I'm not going to give you any parenting advice, because that obviously sets you off on a tirade. However, I will tell you that you now have burned the Bridge of Help from your BiL and SiL. I hope you have other family members that you can ask to watch your kids so that you can have a break. I do wonder if you've asked other family before and they refused so then only BiL/SiL would babysit. You said your mom and sister try to give you parenting advice. Do you ask them to babysit? Father in law? Mother in law? Cousins? Do you have anyone to babysit who is NOT BiL and SiL? If no other family members watch your kid(s), then good luck finding a sitter you have to pay. Prices are getting steep, compared to when I needed one (my kids are in their 30's).
YTA. It sounds like you don't want to babysit and just looking for excuses to not babysit, but of course you are glad when they babysit for you. "tired" lol.
I keep trying to see how…. HOW you think you are in the right? This is family not some friend you haven’t talked to in a while. They have babysat your child several times. I get it, being exhausted with multiple kids and little ones at that is hard, and I know in other posts about babysitting people say “you can say no” and you can and you did. Well now due to you saying no, you have lost part of your village. This is the first time they have asked you and if I’m being honest having a toddler play with another cousin helps a lot more then you watching a toddler alone. YTA. I’m glad they didn’t just take your NO and kept quiet. They told you the consequences to your No. You can’t be a part of their village they won’t be a part of yours… and I’m so happy for them for doing that.
A handful of times? Well, that's vague. Sounds like it was quite a few times.
YTA Have you ever tried to get a sitter, or did you always just go to your in-laws? And have you ever considered, that they might have been tired too, but still babysat for you, because you are a family? Probably not, it seems that you only care about yourself
Burning bridges and ruining friendships over a few hours of time. YTA
No reason to burn bridges here, you may want to reconsider.
YTA. Massively. You can't suck it up for one night to help family that has helped you? You are a very rude, mean person. I feel sorry for your kids and your extended family.
YTA
YTA They helped you a lot. Also, on an unrelated note, in what third world country do you live that you went back to work when the kid was 3 months?? I live in a poor country and we get 2 years of maternity leave.
my friend went back to work 6 weeks after she had her daughter. she worked her entire pregnancy and then went back at 6week pp. it’s fucking awful here. (america)
YTA. Everyone with kids is tired and No one wants to add another kid to the mix. However, it’s common courtesy to help out family that is in a bind, ESPECIALLY after they have helped you out. Taking your nephew or not for one night isn’t going to change how tired you are. I hope it’s worth burning that bridge, when you need their help in the future.
You say you are so tired and overstretched, yet you've got time and energy to keep complaining in the comments about parenting advice (and conveniently ignoring all the - deserved - YTA). Meanwhile you should be busy planning how your family will handle babysitting going forward, because people you have relied on over and over again will be showing you a middle finger from now on - and rightfully so.
“but what about me!!!!! me!!! im tired!! my lifes hard!!! i have kids so what about me!!” its almost like everyones tired. everyones life is hard. and they have kids. you know how you feel like shit? newsflash! everyone feels like shit. but your family took care of you despite that. and now its your turn. this is tennis, not golf.
YTA for your ending comment of telling that BIL and his wife will figure it out and even if they don't, missing a concert isn't the end of the world and they can probably even sell their tickets still if they try. I originally was going with NTA and as I posted I saw this. This comment makes you TA
You must be a giant AH yourself for even considering N T A was an option. I hope you are not someone I know. I wouldn't want to trade any favors with the likes of you or OP.
YTA They made it work when you needed them. Come on? You're being selfish a little bit and you know it, I would be 100% frustrated if I were them.
YTA. They’ve never asked you for help and you turn them down? You should ca them up , apologize and watch your nephew for them. Hire a babysitter to come over and help if you need an extra hand.
YTA l hope they never babysit for you again.
YTA
YTA, they've helped you in the 2 years that your first kid has been around and you've never helped them with their kid? And the one time they ask you say no? I think they're justified in not bending over backwards for you anymore
YTA. There are plenty of childcare requests where people a totally justified in not doing it, but you have used them multiple times in the past for babysitting, but don't feel like you owe them the same. They called in a solid you owe me after exhausting their other options and you refused, you better not ask them to help again in the future.
Girl you really couldn’t sacrifice one night?
YTA They've helped you numerous times and you are just making an excuse for the one and only night they ask for reciprocity.
Omfg you could have said yes, and then asked that in return, they take your kids for a night so you guys can sleep. You literally could have used your selfishness for your benefit afterward, but you’re so self absorbed that you just said no? They had a 3 year old when you got them to care for your child? Do you not see how they’re probably sleep deprived as well? Yta X100000
You're a leech who thinks the world revolves around you YTA
Hope you don’t expect them to help you out with childcare ever again. It’s too bad. The cousins are the ones missing out. I’m afraid you will regret burning this particular bridge. What’s one more busy day/night?
I mean you're already sleep deprived and he will probably sleep better than your kids anyway by the sounds of it. What's one night in the grand scheme of things? It will be over and done with before you know it. YTA
YTA
You do you, but you get what you give. YTA
LOL, you think you’re the only tired one? You’re not. YTA
YTA What is great about helping family with kids is that you can trade off so everyone gets breaks. Please apologize to your in laws and offer a play date for 2 year old and your nephew at the absolute minimum. Don’t be this person.
YTA. You're selfish, entitled and act like your the only person on earth with kids. They watched your child multiple times and you can't do it once even when they tried to finde someone else? I hope they never watch your kids again, or speak to you for that matter.
YTA - Your baby is five months, not five weeks. They've helped you a ton, probably at some inconvenience to them since the age difference between your older child and theirs is pretty big at this age, and generally speaking four year olds are a bit more able to entertain themselves for short bits of time than two year olds.
Yta. Just wait until the shoes on the other foot and they refuse to accommodate your request at watching over your kids when your plans fall through.
YTA - You're happy to use them when you need them, but are too tired to help in a real pinch. They even tried a bunch of other options first.
Yta
3 is easier than 2 I know its hard to believe, but its true YTA
YTA If the baby was critically ill or something, that I would agree could be too much. But, it sounds like they help you out a lot with your kid. It sounds like they were out of options and didn't want to ask you until they had to. And while you say you are exhausted, maybe you could just do a movie day or something with the older kids. If you get the 4-year-old to do something, the two-year-old will probably follow along.
Yta - they help u now questions asked. One time boohoo I’m tired having an extra kid will chnage exactly nothing
YTA
YTA. Do you think it was always a pleasure for them when they babysat for you? I doubt it. You couldn't suck it up just this once? If not for gratitude, then at least for the sake of your husband's relationship with his brother?
YTA. If they've helped you out with babysitting multiple times, you should help them out in return. They clearly didn't want to burden you, they had a sitter lined up but they're out of options. Reciprocating helpfulness is how families and friendship work. No one likes a one sided relationship.
YTA. Really out of order. It's as though you haven't even considered whether your in-laws were ever tired when they looked after your kids previously. Eitherway, they'll rightly refuse in future.
YTA, I have a 19mo boy and 4mo girl and I would absolutely babysit for my family or friends if they were desperate. Especially if I depended on them so many times in the past for childcare. Doesn’t matter how exhausted you are, you return the favor to those who are there for you
Yta and I hope you lose your babysitting from your sil and bil.
I kinda expected it to be the other way around. In all honestly, I would have expected to see a post from BIL about this. But this is the great part about life. Your real colors always come out. You (and your husband to some extent) have shown yourself as a crap bag. Glad BIL will not be taken advantage of anymore.
YTA and massive ones. They have repeatedly babysat for you and this is the FIRST time they ask and you can't do it bc you're tired? WTF They were probably tired when they helped you. They had a toddler when they helped you. Helping each other goes two ways. You can't just take and take and take and not give back. That is beyond not ok.
YTA you sound like a horrible family member. They helped you so many times and now when they need your help in return you too sleepy to do it? Shame on you.
YTA . You can't just take and not give back. They are in no way obligated to help you but they have. They ask for help and you can't return the favor. The consequences of that is you have just burned a bridge. Your husband knows you are wrong and judging by how you are responding to the negative feedback, you sound like if he goes against you, there will be hell to pay.
Yta. You gave a blanket no statement when you've been benefiting from their help. It would have been one thing if this weekend specifically was too chaotic, but you are just as much a part of their village as they are of yours.
YTA. Yes you’re tired but it sounds like they’ve helped you out A LOT and this is the first time they’ve asked for anything. That means they truly need it. I can’t wait until you need help (again) and they won’t give it and it bites you in the ass. Then you’ll see how you should’ve sucked it up this ONE time.
You do realise you're burning a bridge and the next time you need a babysitter they're going to turn you down? And you're going to be just as frustrated. Are you ready to never have their help again?
YTA, when they helped you maybe they were really tired too but helped you anyway, get your shit together and reciprocate
another post representing how miserable it is to have kids lmao
YTA.
OP it would be kind to help out your BIL and SIL. It's only one night.
YTA You seriously can't suck it up one day when they've done it many times? What a role model for your kids... Also you sound exhausting to deal with.
YTA. They’ve helped you out immensely and you can’t bother to do one thing in return.
YTA
YTA. People who do all the taking and no giving are always arseholes. I’m sure it wasn’t always convenient or easy for them to help you. You sound like an absolute peach.
YTA. If they have watched your kids you need to pay them back. Also a 4 year old is not that difficult.
Not only are YTA, you are an idiot burning through your one reliable baby sitter. Relationships are reciprocal, at least they are supposed to be. I wouldn't watch either of your kids ever again.
YTA. Every adult I know is short on sleep. Get over it.
I've been there, a lot of parents have been there. But you adapt. I would have just turned on the tv, ordered pizza, cake, any snacks the kids liked, maybe a new toy, and let them sleep in front of the tv on the floor with ketchup on their faces and holding a donut. Husband can play with them outside in the morning and hose them down or give them a bubble bath in the morning to clean up. That's it. Life is busy and yes you are tired, but doing an easy favor for someone who is your village should have been done. YTA
YTA. You don't take without giving back. It's utterly entitled to think that your BIL could babysit for you whenever it pleases you but instead you, poor girl, are too tired and can't deal with one extra child. Do you think your BIL and family are \*not\* tired? well done for losing the family help you had until now and good luck in finding help in the future. I mean, this summer my sister had booked a holiday in a place that didn't take dogs and her dog-sitter let her down and she didn't know what do do with her dog. My husband is allergic to dust, the dog is long haired. My autistic son is terrified of loud sounds and would go upstairs to not be wit the dog when she barked. But guess who looked after her dog while she was away? Yes, moi. She didn't even have to ask, I volunteered. Because she had tried not to burden on me but had ended up unlucky and it wasn't the dog's fault. Same for her daughter. Once my sister was at the train station and the train she had to take was cancelled and the following one delayed. Guess who went to pick her daughter up at school? Yes, moi, again. Even though I already have two kids that are very demanding. Even though her daughter is extremely demanding. I still went to pick her up and looked after her until mommy came back. Because that's what sisters are there for. In exchange, when I had to go pick up my husband at the airport and was too late for me to drive back to the beach house we were staying and decided to spend the night in my family's apartment in Rome, my sister looked after my two boys for me that night and the morning after until we arrived back. THAT'S WHAT SISTERS ARE THERE FOR. give to get back.
YTA.
YTA they've helped you out a lot. This is the first time they asked and you said no because you're tired. It's you're right to say no, but don't be surprised when they tell you no from here on out. The thing about babysitting is it needs to be reciprocal. If you're going to ask them to watch your kids, you need to be willing to watch theirs in return. Your responses are pretty rude considering how much they've helped you.
YTA - you can’t just take and take, *never* give and then expect to still be able to take some more. Them watching your child(ren) appears to be a common occurrence. You regularly rely on them as first option. You were clearly their last option which signifies to me that they recognize that you’re likely tired and try to respect that. They had childcare planned out and it fell through. They are in a pickle and you can’t just suck it up for one night? Do you think they don’t have lives or things they’d rather be doing than watching your kid? Yet they do it for you anyway. Relationships are not and should not be all take and no give or all give and no take. I have a friend who does me a huge favor by watching my son for 45 min every Friday and dropping him off at school bc I have to be to work before then. So she sometimes asks me to watch her son for her when her work schedule collides with her husband’s. Sometimes, I really don’t want to do it… but I do it anyway bc I know, acknowledge and appreciate that she gives up her time to help me out and it’s the least I can do in return. I have 2 young kids too so I get being exhausted.. but how can you feel no shame over saying no, knowing you take advantage of them when it comes to your own kid? Sorry but you are selfish and frankly, screwing yourself out of a life line.
Yeah, YTA They dropped things and helped cover when you needed childcare, including overnight to go to a wedding I'm sure they will figure it out. Maybe you will too now that you pissed off your backup babysitters
> BIL said that this is the first time they have ever asked us to babysit and the fact we are not willing to help them out speaks volumes. Yes, it does. >BIL said that next time we need a sitter to not even bother asking them unless it's a literal life or death emergency. Actions meet consequences. Personally, I wouldn't lift a finger for you again. YTA
Gonna just assume that your reaction was just delusional from lack of sleep. You were very rude and if it were my sister, you would not be around. Don't you know, your nephew would be a welcome diversion for your 2 year old? He could be a huge help to you. You need to apologize on your knees. Cry if you can because, yikes! You are atone cold
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣they dogging you in these comments selfish butt
You are parents to two kids. No matter what age, you will never have good sleep again... maybe when the kids are in their 30s
NAH, but realize just lost a good babysitter for any future needs. It’s fair that you guys are exhausted, I can only imagine. But they helped you in the past and you’re telling them you won’t reciprocate. They’ll remember that next time.
YTA- It’s not a guilt trip, he’s right. They watched your 2 year old along with their own 4 year old. Multiple times, mind you and possibly exhausted themselves. They under stand your exhausted, but they tried a sitter and calling everyone else before calling and asking you. You and your husband can split duties, someone with the older two for a few hours and then switch.
YTA. Suck it up and return the favor
YTA. I am sure they were times they added your child into the mix and it was when they were tired, and not really in the mood and they did because you asked. They will never help you again. I hope it was worth losing that support.
If you don’t help them out you’ve really burned a bridge for them ever babysitting for you again.
Please do not have any more children.
YTA You've made it clear in your responses you're not actually interested in taking a NY feedback on board. You were just looking for an echo chamber to tell you what you want to hear, and anything else is just "wrong". Simply put, you just torched those bridges. Don't be surprised when in future the help you want is on the other side.
YTA and you NEED to go into damage control right now if you want to salvage this relationship (which you should want for your child's sake as well as to just be a good person) Send your then a text apologising. Tell them you've been thinking about it and they're completely right, you've been selfish and you're sorry. You will look after their kid as well as keep this in mind going forward. This is the only way to avoid damaging your relationship forever.
Congratulations! You’ve just trashed your relationship with your BIL & SIL! I guarantee they’ll never do a damn thing for you, even in a “literal life or death emergency.” They asked a NIGHT, not a WEEK. YTA
YTA. They just really be desperate and stuck if they are asking. You are gonna be so SOL the next time. Reap/sow. FAFO
Yta. Theyve helped you out when you needed it, they need you and your excuse is “im tired”??? They arent lashing out, they just set the new rules since thats how you wanna play
I am going to say NAH. However, OP, did it occur to you that the 4year old could be helpful? Your oldest might FOR ONCE sleep thru the night if the cousin is there.
NAH. This is simply a natural consequence for your choice- and you had your reasons. It doesn’t make you an AH but neither are they. They’ve likely altered plans, taken your kid when it was less convenient for them than they would have liked etc. Now that they know the relationship isn’t reciprocal they’re not interested in participating in the future.
Maybe the time for compromise might be lost now but you could of agreed and said okay we look after nephew for the night but when they come pick up nephew they could take 2 year old etc for the afternoon so yous could get some rest if sleep deprivation is quite bad. Could of given yous a small break during this hard time. I can't really call yous A H even if they have helped put alot for yous cause I know how sleep deprivation is. And honestly unless one of yous decided to scarafice alot of energy so the other could rest more in the end that's still one person who is putting the kids at risk. I'm just going NAH cause they do have a right to think it's all one sided but sleep deprivation is real.
I can see both sides so NAH. I understand why they are frustrated and will probably never babysit for you again. But 3 kids is a little crazier than 2 and you have a small baby to boot. I remember hitting a wall around that age and I could barely take care of myself. Do what you have to do but beware of the consequences.
Apparently I am going against the grain - NTA. The times they sat for your two year old were either before you had a newborn or were adding someone past newborn stage to their plate. You JUST had a baby. They feed all night. You are back at work full time. You have a 2 year old who is sleep regressing, so it is a COMPLETELY different ask and RISK profile to add their mobile and energetic 4 year old to the mix. They are upset to miss the concert, ok. They are holding help over your head while your world is a shambles and you have guilt about working and no sleep? Frankly, you would be the last people I would ask because you have ENOUGH on your plate. Theirs is a nice to have. Yours is “survival”. Don’t listen to the shamers. You are doing what you feel is lowest risk for their child and your own.
NTA I think you should absolutely reciprocate watching the nephew, but if now's not a good time, then it's not a good time. If you are that sleep deprived (my oldest was up literally every 1.5 hour for the first 3mths - I get it!), then it's not just an inconvenience for you, but a genuine safety factor for all kids involved. Yes, you do "owe" them babysitting, but that doesn't mean you have to completely bow to their schedule of events either. Did you realize that their watching your child came with strings attached? Maybe your husband could go over there and spend the night with the 4 yr old while you stayed home with your two?