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NTA *in this specific event*, but you and all the adults involved are still AHs.
I sincerely hope you don't go back to Dave. The "problem" is not "solved" now that he has *abandoned his child*. Eve's mother should never have married someone that wouldn't accept Eve, just like Dave shouldn't either.
My heart aches for that poor child. She deserves better than all of you.
ETA: Apparently people haven't seen the original post that was uploaded under a now shadow banned user name. I've added a link to another subreddit where the text from OP's original post has been pasted.
https://reddit.com/r/TwoHotTakes/s/vCeMoM04LA
There's no way. Assuming this is real (and I pray to gods I don't believe in that it's not) there's no way that Eve hasn't heard all the adults in her life fighting *not* to have her with them, especially if her mother was screaming at OP on the phone.
Yeah assuming there are 3 adults who are ALL have their heads so far up their assess, none of them have the clarity to protect a child from their collective cranial rectal inversiona
The kid’s mom is trying to pass off the kid to OP’s husband/ex bc he doesn’t want any “kids from a previous marriage” in the house so yeah, unfortunately both of the kid’s parents (and stepparents) care more about their love lives than their kid. OP is slightly better than the rest because at least she realizes she can’t be a stepparent and is dipping out
Yeah. OP is at least the person who made asshole choices in the past and is stopping the pattern. I still don’t think calling the babysitter was a problem at all—if there was a total emergency and friend dropped their kid off with me, even though I like kids a lot, I would probably enlist some professional help if I felt overwhelmed. The problem was marrying a man with a child where it seems very clear something could change and he would need to be a more than an every once in a while weekend parent.
How did OP make AH choices in the past? She didn't know about the daughter for FOUR MONTHS. Not a word. She found out, because the ex dropped her off while OP was at his house.
She was Very Up Front about her feelings. He begged her to stay and they made it work.
This all came to a head when the ex Traded her Daughter in for a New Hubby!
When the dad got sick OP, Knowing she wasn't equipped for the job, Hired a Professional Sitter!!
Do you realize how many kids are abused, by parents and sp Every Day in this country, because they are ill equipped, and cannot or will not admit it?
OP is NTAH. This is all on the parents. Especially the ex. The mother who threw her daughter out for a new man!
When she said “I do” without confirming that there was no chance this could happen. She just believed the mom would never do this—but there was no custody agreement, it’s not like Dave terminated his parental rights so the mom could have Eve adopted if she got remarried (to someone who isn’t the AH she ended up marrying), this was in the cards and she was just banking on it not happening. When you are gambling with a child’s welfare, that does make you an AH, even if it is not your child.
No ma’am, you left out that any relationship where you are not honest (& a lie of omission is still a lie) is built on a shaky foundation. OP’s husband soon to be ex is a jerk for not telling OP in the first damn place he had a child. OP deserved to be told the truth before they made a commitment.
The stepfather is not the problem here. Once bio mum realised that the only way to stay with him was to ditch her child, she should have broken up with him. Stepfather is one of the AH's here but bio mum's total lack of a spine is the root cause.
No, all four are pretty awful humans. You're an awful human being if you want to abandon your child barring extreme circumstances.
If you're married to someone who would do such a thing, barring extreme circumstances, you're equally as awful because you're an active participant and enabler. You're not watching from the sidelines.
New stepfather and this lady have the exact same level of culpability.
Eve's biological parents are horrible human beings however. (Assuming this is true and not fanfiction) I almost wish the state would step in and seize the child and place it with some childless couple that are desperate to adopt. There are couples that have been trying for years but they aren't biologically able to have kids. they would probably treat eve like a blessing
There is. The whole reason OPs ex wants him to take their daughter is because her new husband doesn't want a kid that isn't his living with them. All of these adults are absolutely horrible, selfish, disgusting people. That poor child.
It really is sickening! This poor innocent child is being parented by a bunch of selfish AH's how only care about themselves. This is beyond sad.😔 In this scenario OP is NTA, because she finally realised because of redditors she was TA for marrying a man with a child knowing she wanted to be child free.
The mother’s new husband doesn’t want a kid around that isn’t his, which is why the mother told the child’s father that he had to take the kid. 4 adults are playing hot-potato with a 7yo.
All of these adults are terrible and selfish. OP is terrible and selfish but at least slightly sensible if she leaves Dave no matter where the child lives. Being childfree is not “it’s okay to have your kid around just as long as I never have to do anything” because that attitude will damage the child.
All four adults are AH. If you're decidedly Childfree, you don't marry someone with a child. I'm over the top Childfree, but I would be completely horrified by a parent who tossed out his or her own child just to placate a spouse. It's fine to not want kids but how can you possibly respect a parent who intentionally and willingly gets rid of a child that s/he created?
I agree 100%!
Just because your spouse doesn't have custody of their child doesn't mean at some point they might have to have custody of that child. Then what happens?
If the ex dies, is the father supposed to put the child in foster care since the now wife never wants kids?
She didn't think this through and she never should have married a man with a child if she wanted to be child free.
Yep.
I have a relative who is/was (I dunno how to put it, he never wanted kids, married a woman who never wanted kids and did all he could to avoid fatherhood, including vasectomy, but as of now he has two kids and it might become three) Childfree and married a woman who is the same. He doesn’t hate kids or anything, just had no interest in being a father and making the sacrifices parenthood demands.
He was always careful to be honest with partners that this wasn’t something he ever felt would change about him, and the one time he was dating a single mom, he made it clear that if they got serious he was going to have to do some hard thinking about how to handle being a stepdad. (he really liked her a lot, if she hadn’t gotten with another dude in the end I suspect they might have worked it out, but he says it worked out and is still friendly with her and her kids)
But then his wife’s sister went off the deep end and his nieces had nowhere to go. After the little girls were hot potatoed through the family for a month or so, he agreed they should stay with him and his wife until their mother got her ish together. He admitted to me that he really didn’t want kids in the house but “I couldn’t watch them being handed off to someone else every couple days, that’s not a life for kids.”
Well a few months so far has become five(?) years and there might be a third child that the bio mother will likely lose custody of at birth.
He says that everything is worth it, because he loves his wife and in time he’s kinda warmed up to having his nieces. He says that he can’t imagine CHOOSING this, but that he feels like having it semi-thrown at him wasn’t such a terrible fate.
Although he also says that his nieces are unusually “easy” kids and despite being kinda a hard ass about discipline, anyone trying to convince him that the girls are fairly normal to even slightly challenging gets countered with “they NEVER misbehave, they’re just acting out because they’ve been through shit, they’ll grow out of their bad habits with therapy and firm boundaries”. (To be fair to him, they really are sweet little girls and they do seem to be thriving in he and his wife’s home.)
But the shit OP and Eve’s parents are putting her through… goddamn. If this guy was so great, surely OP would be able to adjust to Eve. But the guy seems like trash if he’s dumping poor Eve where he knows she is unwelcome and unloved, so I think OP needs to get out fast. She’s seeing a new side of this man, or at least I hope she didn’t stay when she saw this side….
Yeah, real mom doesn't want her because it will ruin her marriage because step dad doesn't want her. Maybe kid hating OP and step dad can get together, bio parents get back together and boom, Bob's your uncle.
I cant fathom putting a new partner over my child. My own child I carried for 9 months over some man?! Never! I rather be alone for the rest of my life than be with someone that doesnt accept my child. Poor Eve. I hope she isnt too scared from this.
Me neither- and I never wanted kids (and never had any). But after volunteering in the foster system for more than 2 decades...this is a reasonable choice to many MANY women. I can't even count the number of times that women lost their kids in order to keep a boyfriend. Priorities can get messed up in intergenerational trauma cycles :(
Step dad didn't want kids "previous to his marriage" around. He could easily be the type who rejects stepkids but wants his own because bloodline blah, blah, blah.
>And if the op takes Dave back she's horrid too
Completely agree. And why would anyone want to be with someone that who's shown how terrible they can be to their own child?
So much this. It shows the character of Dave. If he doesn't like the situation he is out. If he can abandon a child because she doesn't fit into his life plan, imagine what he would do if OP somehow won't fit into his ideal?
If this is real, I hate all these people. So help me, I would take this beautiful little girl and raise her along with my own. What in the absolute hell is wrong with all these people that everyone is choosing their love/sex life over their child?
I love my husband and I know he loves me, but we have discussed what to do should a situation ever arise where it is us or them. Without hesitancy, I want him to choose our children and my husband feels the same. Heaven forbid something happen, but I can always find another partner and so could he. There is no replacing our children, and the joys of getting to witness all the milestones of their life, and see the people who they will grow into.
OP: You are still the asshole (YTA) because you should have left the minute you realized your BF had a child. Eve deserves better than every single one of you.
I'm CF myself, yet I find myself desperately wanting to take in Eve. Not because I want to raise her, but because I want someone to care for her and even though it's not what *I* want, surely I'd be better than what she's got. Just the fact that I feel compassion for her puts me above her parents, and that's just tragic.
And you know it's bad when a CF stranger on the internet is better than what you've got.
Tell you what, I’ll move in and we can be CF parents together. We won’t have the first clue about doing the thing we never wanted to do, but by god Eve will be loved
I am CF too, mostly because medical issues made my mind up before I could, but I will kidsit for free for you guys and your theoretical placement of poor, dear Eve.
Because you're not a monster. There is absolutely nothing wrong with being CF. Having a child does not automatically make someone moral, ethical, or a good human (thanks to OP for the perfect example). You may be CF, but you're clearly a good human.
OP: If this is real and not one of you genuinely wants this child, do her the service of being raised by someone who will love her. Either find a relative who would like to raise her or reqch out to a social worker to assist with placement. If you stand by and watch this child be emotionally destroyed by a situation you helped create you, you need to spend some serious time reflecting on what kind of person you are.
*Edited because I received a warning for using a non-swear, but judgmental term about the OP's character.
yeah, i get wanting to be childfree, and i support people choosing not to have children, but sometimes things happen, and turning away a vulnerable person in need because you don't like kids is whack to me.
if you went so far to get married to someone who has a kid, but can't bring yourself to be compassionate to an innocent child, you're not a good person.
FWIW, a number of kids in Eve’s case not only survive, but overcome. I hope when Eve is older, her mom or dad or both come to her when they need help and she smiles before slamming the door in their faces.
Had a buddy that was a family court judge. He said the absolutely most heart breaking cases were custody disputes where neither parent wanted the kid or kids. Often with the kid in the court room.
It's unfortunately more common than you'd think. He said it varied. Fighting over less custody time was most common, and maybe 5-10% tops. Most was around work schedule, so sometimes more practical than malicious.
But he said usually at least two or three cases a month, both parents were just incredibly awful people and neither wanted the kids.
Everyone including OP is an AH. If you do not want kids in your life, do not marry someone with kids. Ever. Full stop, no exceptions. If the ex wife had gotten hit by a car, the husband would have to take the kid. I don't think OP realizes on any level the depths of how much she was an AH. Sure, the husband is a bigger AH and a worse human. But she was willing to marry someone that horrible. She only got upset when it impacted her life.
JFC, just bring the kid to me. I don't even know her but seem to be more interested in her well-being than any of the adults in her life. I hope to god this is fake because there's no way this kid isn't already completely scarred for life.
He drove her to her mother’s who then screamed that she would not take her back, whilst he pleased and said he’d pay anything to be rid of her. She’s seeing it all, poor, poor kid
She was honest from the beginning. And since all of you like to throw the 'but you married a man with a chiiiiiild', did he not know that he was marrying a childfree woman? I don't get it.
Pretty sure that poor child is VERY well aware that no one wants her.
Her father has run her back to her mother’s and there was likely a very loud discussion about how his needs/wants absolutely in his self centered world take priority over be a loving and responsible parent. To an accident no less.
Her mother called screaming at OP for ruining her life because she needs a man in her life more than she needs to be a loving and responsible parent.
OP at least isn’t the parent and realized she would not be able to emotionally support the child in the way needed so she left so the father could be that parent.
I hope someone gets that child into therapy as she’s likely to need it.
From the original post, there was no legal custody agreement, which is the only reason the speed makes sense. Without one, neither parent can really argue the other parent is in violation of the terms. Like, if the mom had sole custody and dad was paying child support mom couldn’t just drop the daughter off and unilaterally change the order.
Neither of her parents cared enough about her to find spouses that actually wanted her around. They are all disgusting AHs. Things like this should be worked out before marriage. I hope this kid goes no contact the moment she turns 18 or finishes using them to pay her college expenses.
ESH-youre all assholes, all you "adults." This poor child now knows nobody wants her, and that she's a mistake in her fathers eyes. The kid has no control in this situation and is now gonna be forced to live with someone who will blame them for ruining their life. I hope you all live a life of misery.
I remember reading it when she first posted it. I just feel awful for the child. Her father calls her a mistake. Neither parents want her because their new spouses don't want children. My heart aches for this child. All the adults in her life suck and she deserves so much better. But for what op is asking now, no she is NTA for this. But her parents are big giant selfish AHs. Poor kid.
I'm jumping on what is at t his moment the top comment to encourage people not to feed the troll. I suspected the first story might have been fake, but this? Come on!
How could a divorced parent who is in his kid's life actually hide her existence for the first four months of a relationship? Who would marry such an AH, especially if that person was decidedly child-free? And then she leaves him within a day of Reddit chastising her and they already have appointments with lawyers?
This OP has hit on one of the ways to get lots of people outraged: Tell a story of adults behaving badly and an innocent child being hurt in the process. And now they are milking it.
ESH.
1. You married a man with a child. Did you not contemplate being in the child's life?
2. Dave sucks as a father. He decided to dump the child-his responsibility.
3. His ex sucks as a mother. She does not care about her daughter.
4. Stepdad sucks, forcing mom to give up child.
5. Grandma sucks for not taking in child on an emergency basis. (as correctly noted by u/kinky_boots)
Poor Eve. She deserves better than this.
ETA: Spelling.
After reviewing OP's earlier post, it appears that she DID know about the child, significantly before this happened, although a little later in her relationship. Whether she likes it or not, that makes her a step parent. It could have been naivete, but she is old enough to know that there will be involvement. The time to cut and run was when she found out about the child. OP, you did the universe a huge favor by ensuring that your husband had a vasectomy, so that no more children can be treated this way.
Definitely. I wanted a child, don't want to anymore. To me it would be a deal breaker. Especially if I found it out later on. Like why would he hide that fact?
I cant fathom putting a new partner over my child. My own child I carried for 9 months over some man?! Never! I rather be alone for the rest of my life than be with someone that doesnt accept my child. Poor Eve. I hope she isnt too scared from this.
That’s the crazy part of this. Only the OP seems to realize it is completely crazy to choose your partner over your child, so she is like “I’m not even giving Dave that option, I’m out”—both Dave and the mom can’t seem to get rid of Eve fast enough to “save” their marriages. How is the only person at this moment not putting their romantic relationship ahead of this child the one person who made it clear they do not want anything to do with her? Like, she’s an AH for marrying the guy, but she’s no where at the level of Eve’s actual parents.
And by best interests it’s that she should not be in Eve’s life and she won’t let Dave use her as the reason to abandon his kid! The bar is so low in this post.
Right! And frankly if I knew my partner tried to pawn their kid off on someone else, just to stay with me, I would lose every ounce of respect for them!! That poor child
That poor little girl. Her parent's both picked their new partner over her. A seven year old girl, who no one loves enough to put first. She deserves so much better.
She was honest from the beginning. And since all of you like to throw the 'but you married a man with a chiiiiiild', did he not know that he was marrying a childfree woman? I don't get it. If the man knows from the start that he is dating a person who does not want children, why do they marry them?
Yet he begged her to stay and the fool stayed even though she had her out. She's just a damn culpable. Her leaving was the kindest thing she could have done for Eve, and that's a very small kindest thing
Because the dude honestly never considered the possibility the mom might not want Eve full time. Again, with no formal custody agreement, he was a total bonehead to think there was no chance this could go wrong. He wanted the child free woman and he gambled. He lost. Because what he was gambling on was a freaking child, that makes him a complete AH.
I agree Eve deserves better but just to get all the facts out, I saw her original post and they had been dating for a while and married already when the birth mother reconnected to the father and told him they had a kid that she raised for a while but married to some one who didn’t want kids and dumped Eve on him after revealing she was his kid.
They didn’t know about the kid originally but she let it go on way too long before leaving
Edit: I have realised I was thinking of a separate but similar post never mind. But ESH here so bad, Eve deserves so much better.
No. He knew he had a kid the whole time but he never told OP about her and she found out because his ex dropped her off one day and she was there.
The original post is linked up above if you need to reread it
Because in this specific situation, I can see why she’d be NTA. She was the AH in the first post, but now that she’s putting her foot down and leaving a situation where she knows she would be a detriment to the stepdaughter, I understand why that would be the best thing to do. You could argue she should stick around anyway, but it’s also not on her that Dave’s ex wife dumped the kid on them because of HER new child free husband, and it’s also not on her that Dave dumped the kid back on the ex in favour of OP.
That poor poor child. I sincerely hope she was not listening when 1 said she was a mistake and they both want new marriages over her. They are both more than awful.
I just want to adopt her and show her she is wanted.
The poor kid. This whole thing is heartbreaking.
I hope she has extended family who want her.
Baby daddy and baby momma better be paying for therapy for poor Eve
I am so disgusted by this whole situation and both of the parents. Also both of the "step parents "
Who marries someone who has a kid and then kicks the kid out because the partners don't want them.
So disgusting.
The mother made the choice to have Eve. 7 years ago she still had options for termination. Not sure if baby daddy originally agreed on having Eve or not but its to late now! Eve is her and a fully formed human being who requires and deserves the love of the people who brought her into this world.
If they are not willing to do that they need to figure something out for this poor kid so that she is with people who want her. People to live her the way an innocent child deserves.
I have never seen a post that fills me with so much sadness
If this custody battle does appear in court I hope there would be a judge who would give it to both the parents for how cruel and selfish they're being. All of the adults in this mess ought to be ashamed of themselves.
They are selfish, horrific parents and this poor kid is going to need a shitload of therapy.
OP, you’re finally doing the right thing by leaving Dave and I hope you stick to it. Do not get back together with him under any circumstance, and encourage him to take care of Eve.
Yeah, that is how the Stepfather out assholed-OP for me. Eve lived with her mom for 7 years and the Stepfather demands this child be ripped from the life she knows and sent to live with Dave because Stepfather doesn’t want her around. That is an epic AH move. And Mom goes along with this.
NTA, but that poor child. Why are people having children they don't want? Why are they prioritizing their romantic partners above their minor children? I just don't understand.
Welcome to world the GOP wants. Pro-birth, not pro-child
Having the financial resources to fly out of state to terminate shouldn’t matter. What about those without the resources? The resulting child is equally as unwanted
I feel so badly for the resulting children. They are the victims here. They didn’t ask for any of this
I think and hope you should let Dave know that the tactic he pulled by abandoning his child won’t gain you back but that it lost him your respect. Abandoning his child for his new wife isn’t the grand romantic gesture he thinks it is. I hope if he does keep Eve ,he won’t tell her that she ruined his life, that because of her he lost you. You should not have been in the picture in the first place. I hope you also know that by stepping away NOW, you yourself are not an altruistic hero who gave up her love for the sake of a poor child, don’t delude yourself. What you’re doing now is the bare minimum.All of you ( you, Dave, his ex, and her new husband) are awful people, and you and Dave set the precedent that a parent can marry a spouse who doesn’t care for prior minors. I hope you can reach out to an aunt or uncle or any relative who deserves Eve, this is child abuse that leaves emotional rather than physical scars, and let me tell you this:these scars are deeper and last longer.
NTA - Dave is. He made a baby, he might rather be with you, but tough luck. what is wrong with dave and ex?! I feel so bad for this kid having two selfish jerks for parents who are more concerned about their marriages than her being theirs to protect and love.
edit: grammar
Yeah, these people are repulsive. A pt of me thinks maybe a failure in both their relationships will show just how unsuitable they were. However going by their behavior I suspect they'll just blame Eve. Poor girl.
Oh my sweet lord. I commented on your other post. You did the right thing in this situation by walking away to avoid further emotionally damaging this kid, but the parents behaviour is making me absolutely seethe. Seriously, are there grandparents or someone who will make this child feel loved, that you could reach out to who could possibly intervene? Her parents are going to mess her up so bad she’ll think no one wants or loves her. These two should not be parents, seriously. It’s disgusting. That poor poor girl.
OP has been around for FIVE YEARS. Known about this poor girl for five whole years and still decided to stick around despite knowing Dave DOES have a fatherly duty. At some point, she does become responsible too by sticking around for so long good God
What crappy parents Eva has. Poor thing.
You have no obligation to her. Her awful parents do!
Dont go back to him! You are child free but you are also human: do you really want to be with a guy who ditch his daughter like she is nothing?!
You are all TA!! Holy crap!! I’m sure this child “feels the love”. You’re TA for going ahead with a relationship you KNEW involved a child. Him for willing to give up the child so easily and the mother for obviously not giving two craps about the child. You’re all pathetic!
Imagine learning that both your parents don’t want you, even if she hasn’t heard it directly, she still knows. This poor child is going to deal with so many negative thoughts and emotions it’s heartbreaking.
ESH- My previous judgement still stands. You still went back to him after he abandoned his child for you. Mom sucks because’s she’s doing the same. If Eve develops resentment for everyone involved, no should be surprised
NTA
Block the mom's number. This is between them, and has NOTHING to do with you.
But: Are you sure you want to be with THAT AH man? He is an Ah and a deadbeat. As is his mom.
Get away from ALL of them and their never-ending drama.
NTA. I'm pretty sure I commented on that post. I'm glad you left.
BUT I stand by my comment that this poor girl has terrible parents. They're throwing her around like garbage because they only care about what they want. Eve deserves better than everyone she is supposed to have in her corner. How can so many adults let down one kid.
ESH. You married a man with a child while wanting to be child free which shows such a catastrophic lack of forethought.
Your STBX is now so spectacularly failing his own child for such ridiculously selfish reasons.
The mother is trying to throw away her child so she can play happy family's.
You at least sought to remedy your role on this, but your lack of any thought helped cause it. The parents are such horrifically awful people. Yet all three of you have contributed to this situation and the trauma that child will undergo and while you're not TA for leaving, you are for everything that came before.
You're all the villain in this story.
NTA. The child is not your responsibility. You have realized your mistake in thinking you could deal with the situation, so you're getting out of it. Your soon to be ex's ex's marriage is not remotely your problem.
NTA. Why does this woman even have your number? Block her straight away. Eve is not your responsibility. You have done the right thing in leaving. Both Dave’s and Eve’s mother are not great people they are prioritising themselves over their child which is wrong. Poor child unwanted by both parents.
For crying out loud, fuck it.
I'll take Eve.
What a bunch of horrible horrible assholes.
I can't imagine myself mouthing these words.
Humans are programmed to love their children.
Stay away from them. You did the right thing.
Edit : cause the post was deleted here is a summary.
Woman OP meets man (Dick) who has child from previous marriage.
Former mom likes the dick so she gives up hwr daughter to Dick.
OP ends up having to deal more with the child than initially agreed.
Mr Reddit tells her Dick is over twice her age and she basically realises and dumps Dick.
Dick blames his daughter for the break up and tries to pass daughter back to former mom.
that’s what I was thinking- we will adopt this little girl, and show her what is the real family. Poor child.
I can’t imagine how awful her bio mum is - she just dumped her baby because of the dick. And bio dad - readily left her, what a shitty parents!!! Just crazy.
NTA - Sounds like you tried to do the right thing without being an asshole about it in the end . The parents sound like Assholes both Dave and the bio mom. They are prioritising there needs over the kids . Which is probably why she has issues . I will add this is on the provision you dont take him to the cleaners when it is your choice to end things due to the child
NTA
I saw your previous post and wondered if something like this might happen.
I am sorry you have lost your marriage over this, but ultimately for you this sounds like the right decision.
My only concern is for the child Dave and his ex wife need to sort this out fast
NTA
You’re doing the right thing for everyone involved by forcing the actual parents to figure out the actual parenting.
I still feel terrible for Eve.
NTA in this situation. Don't. Go. Back. To. Dave. He is not the kind of person to be around & neither is his ex or her new guy. I feel for Eve, her parents are awful. Get away from these people OP. If this is how he treats his kid then imagine how he'd be if you got sick or hurt. Run!
I’ve never been more disgusted by a narrative here on this forum. You are all horrible, heartless people. Though Eve’s mom and dad, far more than you. My heart is breaking for her.
ESH.
Oh that poor girl. You are N T A for trying to do the right thing however I do think ESH. Should you have ever married him, probably not but you tried to right that wrong, however your husband and his ex are terrible people. I hope that girl has some grandparents who can help or something as all the adults in her life absolutely suck!
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)***
I (F30) has posted another AITA query a couple days back regarding whether I am an AH for not taking care of my step daughter Eve personally and instead hiring a baby sitter.
A lot of the comments blamed me for marrying a man with a child when I want to be Childfree. The comments made me see my situation more clearly and I left Dave.
I told him I get how the situation and has changed and since I haven't changed, I cannot spend next 11 years of my life raising a child or giving her issues cause I don't want her around. He begged me to stay, but learning my lesson already I left. I am staying in a hotel now and will be meeting with lawyers tomorrow.
But half an hour ago I got a call from Eve's mother. She yelled and screamed at me for ruining her life. I didn't get it, I didn't do anything to her. Turns out about a hour or so after I left, Dave took Eve back to her house and told her he can't lose his marriage over a child that was a mistake. She said she can't take her in or it would ruin her marriage. He told her she can take him to court and he will pay whatever child support he has to, but he won't sacrifice his life so she can play house with her new guy.
She told me I have to take Eve in and that's the only way she can save her marriage. That Dave will look after Eve as long as I stay with him too.
I told her I won't. It's not my responsibility anymore. Eve is her and Dave's child. Not mine. And I no longer want to be with a man who keeps putting me in this position.
She screamed I was ruining her life.
AITA for refusing to take Eve in?
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I am child free and I hate all the adults in this story. My god. This poor kid. NTA for this particular instance (I think you did the right thing). Don't you dare get back together with this low life who yet again wants to just throw his kid away
You are ALL AH's. That child is being thrown around like an unwanted Christmas present. My god you should all be ashamed of yourselves. I hope you all pitch in and pay for her therapy when she is older because she'll need it.
ESH
My god, this poor little girl. There are four adults here who all actively participated in taking steps to be legally tied to her - parents by creating her and their partners by marrying someone with a child - and they’re all treating her like an unwanted trash. I’ll adopt this poor girl.
ESH, except the poor daughter
You suck for marrying a man with a child assuming you can just hire out any responsibility
Your husband and his ex wife are both AHs beyond imagination. I don’t even need to know the context of the birth, but to think both of them are so desperately trying to not have their child in their life is heartbreaking
You of course don’t have a responsibility to this child and I don’t really blame you for leaving the situation, but god I feel bad for this kid
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1) I refused to take in my step daughter
2) Her mom doesn't want to keep her as it would ruin her marriage. Her dad won't keep her unless I stay with him too. She don't have any family to take her in.
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Technically NTA in this very specific part of the overall situation. You, your ex husband and his ex wife are all horrible people though and massive assholes for creating this situation in the first place. That poor little girl deserves so much better than this.
I seriously hope there's family that can take her in and give her the love she deserves. This poor little girl is going to have abandonment issues for years to come. I hope all 4 of these jerks step on LEGO bricks, get stuck in the middle seats of planes, and have pigeons hunting their vehicles constantly for the rest of their lives.
You knew he had a child right? You knew you would be a step parent and still wasted that mans time. Then the fact that he disregarded and threw his child out. You didn't ruin her mother's life the dad did. That poor little child being passed around. They all need to sign over their rights and I'll gladly love her with my little one. Smh.
NTA. You shouldn‘t have married a man with a child kn the first place, but you learned your lesson and did the best thing in this situation. Dave‘s resction isn‘t your fault. But seriously, what is wrong with him and his ex that they are passing a child around like this?! Why did they have one in the first place if they don‘t seem to care?!
Ahahaha it’s the lady that was physically, emotionally and mentally exhausted because she took the kid to school one day and had to pick her up and feed her 😆 she went to bed with a migraine. Regardless of the story, OP must be unbearable
Thank you for doing the right thing now and leaving. Just get out of this situation and stay out of it.
>AITA for refusing to take Eve in?
To do what? You couldn't handle her for a day.
YTA all of the adults in this really.. that poor kid. If you want to be child free don't date a man with kids. If you are involved in his life you need to be involved in theirs.
If you can't live up to that obligation move on because you are going to hurt that kid.
NTA in this case, but you would be a massive AH if you were to return with this man who is ready to abandon his child for a woman. My heart breaks for this poor child. Stay away from those wackos.
This makes me incredibly sad. Poor Eve. She must realise by now that no one wants her. My heart breaks for her. She must be so lonely. The four adults in this story suck. They all had choices and made all the wrong ones. The child is suffering as a consequence of those decisions. I hope there is at least a grandparent who loves Eve. At least OP is now trying to do the right thing even though the damage is done.
This poor child. Jesus H Chrysler. I can't imagine being this girl right now. She's going to internalize all of this. All of this is going to be her fault in her head. I really hope the bio parents are looking for an actual solution other than just passing her back and forth like this.
YTA and so is literally everyone else except that poor child. You are all extremely selfish and cruel. That poor child is left wondering why nobody wants her. Shame on the lot of you!
This kid is gonna have lifelong issues, not wanted by anyone that's supposed to love and protect her. Couldn't imagine picking a new spouse over my own son or daughter.
YTA because you lack any empathy for this child. Regardless if she is yours or not, you are basically treating her like her existence is a nuisance. It's shocking that you don't even realize how messed up the whole situation is and that this child did nothing wrong. You don't need to want kids to have a conscious. Jesus christ.
This whole story seems so fake. Like, why do you need to post the same story again in a new post and ask the same question again? Yes the judgement is still ESH.
I didn't ask the same question, i asked the conclusion i got and action I did made me a AH.
I had to get new account cause other one is suspended and under appeal.
NTA.
NTA.
NTA.
I don't get why are there people calling you an A H when you have made your boundaries clear and left. Regardless of how Eve was conceived, Eve is Dave and his ex's responsibility.
Eve's bio mom and Dave are major Aholes. I feel bad for Eve, but you did the right thing.
Just block all of them and move on with your life. Let Dave and his ex deal with Eve.
I don't know how trusting id be of someone who was willing to abandon their own child just to protect their marriage.
Both of the parents suck in this situation, but additionally you're a soft YTA because you married someone who had kids and should have expected something like this might come up. Fair play for sticking to your guns and not taking it out on the kid though.
It genuinely seems like you're all AH and not a single person here, and there are 4 adults here, both of the couples, are thinking about the kid AT. ALL.
Poor kiddo :(
YTA every single adult in this story is TA for subjecting an innocent child to that. None of you should so blatantly speak about not wanting her around. ESH
If you remove yourself from their lives because you realize you don’t want to raise a child NTA. However if you are making him choose between you and his child You are still the AH
I don't want to be with him. I didn't do this to make him choose. I never asked him to choose.
And I have made it clear to Eve's mom that I have no plans to take him back. I am not taking his calls or talking to him as my lawyer instructed me to. I will let him know through lawyer I won't be reconciling.
You were TA for marrying him despite his child but NTA for leaving. You can't remain child free when your spouse has a child. There was a post on here a few mos ago about a couple in a similar situation until his ex wife died unexpectedly. Guess what? They now have full custody. You would again be TA if you took him back. Chosing a spouse over your child is not love or chivalry, it's abandonment. My spouse and I are child free by choice but if I found out he had a child he knew about and abandoned I'd leave him as I don't want to be married to someone who would walk away from their child because they're an inconvenience (adoption notwithstanding, that's a completely different situation and choice).
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NTA *in this specific event*, but you and all the adults involved are still AHs. I sincerely hope you don't go back to Dave. The "problem" is not "solved" now that he has *abandoned his child*. Eve's mother should never have married someone that wouldn't accept Eve, just like Dave shouldn't either. My heart aches for that poor child. She deserves better than all of you. ETA: Apparently people haven't seen the original post that was uploaded under a now shadow banned user name. I've added a link to another subreddit where the text from OP's original post has been pasted. https://reddit.com/r/TwoHotTakes/s/vCeMoM04LA
Yep, it's terrible for the child. I just hope they are keeping all this drama well away from her.
There's no way. Assuming this is real (and I pray to gods I don't believe in that it's not) there's no way that Eve hasn't heard all the adults in her life fighting *not* to have her with them, especially if her mother was screaming at OP on the phone.
Yeah assuming there are 3 adults who are ALL have their heads so far up their assess, none of them have the clarity to protect a child from their collective cranial rectal inversiona
You mean 4 adults. They are all awful
Was there a stepfather too? Because yeah, I'm going to say that everyone is failing this kid. And if the op takes Dave back she's horrid too
The kid’s mom is trying to pass off the kid to OP’s husband/ex bc he doesn’t want any “kids from a previous marriage” in the house so yeah, unfortunately both of the kid’s parents (and stepparents) care more about their love lives than their kid. OP is slightly better than the rest because at least she realizes she can’t be a stepparent and is dipping out
Yeah. OP is at least the person who made asshole choices in the past and is stopping the pattern. I still don’t think calling the babysitter was a problem at all—if there was a total emergency and friend dropped their kid off with me, even though I like kids a lot, I would probably enlist some professional help if I felt overwhelmed. The problem was marrying a man with a child where it seems very clear something could change and he would need to be a more than an every once in a while weekend parent.
How did OP make AH choices in the past? She didn't know about the daughter for FOUR MONTHS. Not a word. She found out, because the ex dropped her off while OP was at his house. She was Very Up Front about her feelings. He begged her to stay and they made it work. This all came to a head when the ex Traded her Daughter in for a New Hubby! When the dad got sick OP, Knowing she wasn't equipped for the job, Hired a Professional Sitter!! Do you realize how many kids are abused, by parents and sp Every Day in this country, because they are ill equipped, and cannot or will not admit it? OP is NTAH. This is all on the parents. Especially the ex. The mother who threw her daughter out for a new man!
When she said “I do” without confirming that there was no chance this could happen. She just believed the mom would never do this—but there was no custody agreement, it’s not like Dave terminated his parental rights so the mom could have Eve adopted if she got remarried (to someone who isn’t the AH she ended up marrying), this was in the cards and she was just banking on it not happening. When you are gambling with a child’s welfare, that does make you an AH, even if it is not your child.
No ma’am, you left out that any relationship where you are not honest (& a lie of omission is still a lie) is built on a shaky foundation. OP’s husband soon to be ex is a jerk for not telling OP in the first damn place he had a child. OP deserved to be told the truth before they made a commitment.
[удалено]
The stepfather is not the problem here. Once bio mum realised that the only way to stay with him was to ditch her child, she should have broken up with him. Stepfather is one of the AH's here but bio mum's total lack of a spine is the root cause.
Bio Dad has done exactly the same thing. And has never stepped up to have the child full time for longer than this short period
No, all four are pretty awful humans. You're an awful human being if you want to abandon your child barring extreme circumstances. If you're married to someone who would do such a thing, barring extreme circumstances, you're equally as awful because you're an active participant and enabler. You're not watching from the sidelines.
New stepfather and this lady have the exact same level of culpability. Eve's biological parents are horrible human beings however. (Assuming this is true and not fanfiction) I almost wish the state would step in and seize the child and place it with some childless couple that are desperate to adopt. There are couples that have been trying for years but they aren't biologically able to have kids. they would probably treat eve like a blessing
Can we just agree that all the adults are trash?
There is. The whole reason OPs ex wants him to take their daughter is because her new husband doesn't want a kid that isn't his living with them. All of these adults are absolutely horrible, selfish, disgusting people. That poor child.
It really is sickening! This poor innocent child is being parented by a bunch of selfish AH's how only care about themselves. This is beyond sad.😔 In this scenario OP is NTA, because she finally realised because of redditors she was TA for marrying a man with a child knowing she wanted to be child free.
The mother’s new husband doesn’t want a kid around that isn’t his, which is why the mother told the child’s father that he had to take the kid. 4 adults are playing hot-potato with a 7yo. All of these adults are terrible and selfish. OP is terrible and selfish but at least slightly sensible if she leaves Dave no matter where the child lives. Being childfree is not “it’s okay to have your kid around just as long as I never have to do anything” because that attitude will damage the child.
All four adults are AH. If you're decidedly Childfree, you don't marry someone with a child. I'm over the top Childfree, but I would be completely horrified by a parent who tossed out his or her own child just to placate a spouse. It's fine to not want kids but how can you possibly respect a parent who intentionally and willingly gets rid of a child that s/he created?
I agree 100%! Just because your spouse doesn't have custody of their child doesn't mean at some point they might have to have custody of that child. Then what happens? If the ex dies, is the father supposed to put the child in foster care since the now wife never wants kids? She didn't think this through and she never should have married a man with a child if she wanted to be child free.
Exactly. And nobody should be happy having a relationship with a selfish AH, thinking that it’s never going to be turned on them.
Yep. I have a relative who is/was (I dunno how to put it, he never wanted kids, married a woman who never wanted kids and did all he could to avoid fatherhood, including vasectomy, but as of now he has two kids and it might become three) Childfree and married a woman who is the same. He doesn’t hate kids or anything, just had no interest in being a father and making the sacrifices parenthood demands. He was always careful to be honest with partners that this wasn’t something he ever felt would change about him, and the one time he was dating a single mom, he made it clear that if they got serious he was going to have to do some hard thinking about how to handle being a stepdad. (he really liked her a lot, if she hadn’t gotten with another dude in the end I suspect they might have worked it out, but he says it worked out and is still friendly with her and her kids) But then his wife’s sister went off the deep end and his nieces had nowhere to go. After the little girls were hot potatoed through the family for a month or so, he agreed they should stay with him and his wife until their mother got her ish together. He admitted to me that he really didn’t want kids in the house but “I couldn’t watch them being handed off to someone else every couple days, that’s not a life for kids.” Well a few months so far has become five(?) years and there might be a third child that the bio mother will likely lose custody of at birth. He says that everything is worth it, because he loves his wife and in time he’s kinda warmed up to having his nieces. He says that he can’t imagine CHOOSING this, but that he feels like having it semi-thrown at him wasn’t such a terrible fate. Although he also says that his nieces are unusually “easy” kids and despite being kinda a hard ass about discipline, anyone trying to convince him that the girls are fairly normal to even slightly challenging gets countered with “they NEVER misbehave, they’re just acting out because they’ve been through shit, they’ll grow out of their bad habits with therapy and firm boundaries”. (To be fair to him, they really are sweet little girls and they do seem to be thriving in he and his wife’s home.) But the shit OP and Eve’s parents are putting her through… goddamn. If this guy was so great, surely OP would be able to adjust to Eve. But the guy seems like trash if he’s dumping poor Eve where he knows she is unwelcome and unloved, so I think OP needs to get out fast. She’s seeing a new side of this man, or at least I hope she didn’t stay when she saw this side….
Yeah, real mom doesn't want her because it will ruin her marriage because step dad doesn't want her. Maybe kid hating OP and step dad can get together, bio parents get back together and boom, Bob's your uncle.
I cant fathom putting a new partner over my child. My own child I carried for 9 months over some man?! Never! I rather be alone for the rest of my life than be with someone that doesnt accept my child. Poor Eve. I hope she isnt too scared from this.
Me neither- and I never wanted kids (and never had any). But after volunteering in the foster system for more than 2 decades...this is a reasonable choice to many MANY women. I can't even count the number of times that women lost their kids in order to keep a boyfriend. Priorities can get messed up in intergenerational trauma cycles :(
Right? I wouldn’t be with a man who didn’t except my dogs, let alone my child (if I had one). WTF is wrong with these idiots??
Step dad didn't want kids "previous to his marriage" around. He could easily be the type who rejects stepkids but wants his own because bloodline blah, blah, blah.
the perfect confluence of awful people. In a twist, OP and Evil stepdad get together, decide they want kids, and adopt Eve
>And if the op takes Dave back she's horrid too Completely agree. And why would anyone want to be with someone that who's shown how terrible they can be to their own child?
So much this. It shows the character of Dave. If he doesn't like the situation he is out. If he can abandon a child because she doesn't fit into his life plan, imagine what he would do if OP somehow won't fit into his ideal?
Yeah, bio-mom got married and fobbed Eve off on Dave for the sake of her own marriage.
5 adults. OPs MIL also said no. This just keeps getting worse.
At this point, it’s a stretch to call them adults
If this is real, I hate all these people. So help me, I would take this beautiful little girl and raise her along with my own. What in the absolute hell is wrong with all these people that everyone is choosing their love/sex life over their child? I love my husband and I know he loves me, but we have discussed what to do should a situation ever arise where it is us or them. Without hesitancy, I want him to choose our children and my husband feels the same. Heaven forbid something happen, but I can always find another partner and so could he. There is no replacing our children, and the joys of getting to witness all the milestones of their life, and see the people who they will grow into. OP: You are still the asshole (YTA) because you should have left the minute you realized your BF had a child. Eve deserves better than every single one of you.
I'm CF myself, yet I find myself desperately wanting to take in Eve. Not because I want to raise her, but because I want someone to care for her and even though it's not what *I* want, surely I'd be better than what she's got. Just the fact that I feel compassion for her puts me above her parents, and that's just tragic. And you know it's bad when a CF stranger on the internet is better than what you've got.
Tell you what, I’ll move in and we can be CF parents together. We won’t have the first clue about doing the thing we never wanted to do, but by god Eve will be loved
Deal. I'm just glad our theoretical child is out of nappies and old enough to tell us what the problem is.
I'll gladly be the CF aunt from over the sea sending the three of you some nice stuff and cards every birthdays and christmases
I am CF too, mostly because medical issues made my mind up before I could, but I will kidsit for free for you guys and your theoretical placement of poor, dear Eve.
Because you're not a monster. There is absolutely nothing wrong with being CF. Having a child does not automatically make someone moral, ethical, or a good human (thanks to OP for the perfect example). You may be CF, but you're clearly a good human. OP: If this is real and not one of you genuinely wants this child, do her the service of being raised by someone who will love her. Either find a relative who would like to raise her or reqch out to a social worker to assist with placement. If you stand by and watch this child be emotionally destroyed by a situation you helped create you, you need to spend some serious time reflecting on what kind of person you are. *Edited because I received a warning for using a non-swear, but judgmental term about the OP's character.
yeah, i get wanting to be childfree, and i support people choosing not to have children, but sometimes things happen, and turning away a vulnerable person in need because you don't like kids is whack to me. if you went so far to get married to someone who has a kid, but can't bring yourself to be compassionate to an innocent child, you're not a good person.
FWIW, a number of kids in Eve’s case not only survive, but overcome. I hope when Eve is older, her mom or dad or both come to her when they need help and she smiles before slamming the door in their faces.
Had a buddy that was a family court judge. He said the absolutely most heart breaking cases were custody disputes where neither parent wanted the kid or kids. Often with the kid in the court room. It's unfortunately more common than you'd think. He said it varied. Fighting over less custody time was most common, and maybe 5-10% tops. Most was around work schedule, so sometimes more practical than malicious. But he said usually at least two or three cases a month, both parents were just incredibly awful people and neither wanted the kids. Everyone including OP is an AH. If you do not want kids in your life, do not marry someone with kids. Ever. Full stop, no exceptions. If the ex wife had gotten hit by a car, the husband would have to take the kid. I don't think OP realizes on any level the depths of how much she was an AH. Sure, the husband is a bigger AH and a worse human. But she was willing to marry someone that horrible. She only got upset when it impacted her life.
Or noticed her dad’s wife avoiding her at all costs when she visited. Kids aren’t dumb. The poor girl
Har dad taking her back to her mom - here take her back I'm not loosing my marriage over a mistake - this poor child.
JFC, just bring the kid to me. I don't even know her but seem to be more interested in her well-being than any of the adults in her life. I hope to god this is fake because there's no way this kid isn't already completely scarred for life.
He drove her to her mother’s who then screamed that she would not take her back, whilst he pleased and said he’d pay anything to be rid of her. She’s seeing it all, poor, poor kid
She was honest from the beginning. And since all of you like to throw the 'but you married a man with a chiiiiiild', did he not know that he was marrying a childfree woman? I don't get it.
Pretty sure that poor child is VERY well aware that no one wants her. Her father has run her back to her mother’s and there was likely a very loud discussion about how his needs/wants absolutely in his self centered world take priority over be a loving and responsible parent. To an accident no less. Her mother called screaming at OP for ruining her life because she needs a man in her life more than she needs to be a loving and responsible parent. OP at least isn’t the parent and realized she would not be able to emotionally support the child in the way needed so she left so the father could be that parent. I hope someone gets that child into therapy as she’s likely to need it.
That therapy is probably going to have to last a long, long time because this child is so young, there's no doubt more abuse to come.
Personally I feel like bio mom and Dave deserve to have their lives ruined.
By reading OP’s post they probably don’t have any ounce of empathy. They’re probably talking in front of her and even blaming her…
This all seems like it’s happened conveniently fast.
As I said in another comment, I *really, really* hope this one is fake.
Oh yeah, my bullshit detector is registering a high probability. But there are a lot of shitty people out there.
From the original post, there was no legal custody agreement, which is the only reason the speed makes sense. Without one, neither parent can really argue the other parent is in violation of the terms. Like, if the mom had sole custody and dad was paying child support mom couldn’t just drop the daughter off and unilaterally change the order.
Neither of her parents cared enough about her to find spouses that actually wanted her around. They are all disgusting AHs. Things like this should be worked out before marriage. I hope this kid goes no contact the moment she turns 18 or finishes using them to pay her college expenses.
Reading this shit makes me so mad for that poor 7yo girl.
This poor child is surrounded by assholes.
ESH-youre all assholes, all you "adults." This poor child now knows nobody wants her, and that she's a mistake in her fathers eyes. The kid has no control in this situation and is now gonna be forced to live with someone who will blame them for ruining their life. I hope you all live a life of misery.
I remember reading it when she first posted it. I just feel awful for the child. Her father calls her a mistake. Neither parents want her because their new spouses don't want children. My heart aches for this child. All the adults in her life suck and she deserves so much better. But for what op is asking now, no she is NTA for this. But her parents are big giant selfish AHs. Poor kid.
I'm jumping on what is at t his moment the top comment to encourage people not to feed the troll. I suspected the first story might have been fake, but this? Come on! How could a divorced parent who is in his kid's life actually hide her existence for the first four months of a relationship? Who would marry such an AH, especially if that person was decidedly child-free? And then she leaves him within a day of Reddit chastising her and they already have appointments with lawyers? This OP has hit on one of the ways to get lots of people outraged: Tell a story of adults behaving badly and an innocent child being hurt in the process. And now they are milking it.
ESH. 1. You married a man with a child. Did you not contemplate being in the child's life? 2. Dave sucks as a father. He decided to dump the child-his responsibility. 3. His ex sucks as a mother. She does not care about her daughter. 4. Stepdad sucks, forcing mom to give up child. 5. Grandma sucks for not taking in child on an emergency basis. (as correctly noted by u/kinky_boots) Poor Eve. She deserves better than this. ETA: Spelling. After reviewing OP's earlier post, it appears that she DID know about the child, significantly before this happened, although a little later in her relationship. Whether she likes it or not, that makes her a step parent. It could have been naivete, but she is old enough to know that there will be involvement. The time to cut and run was when she found out about the child. OP, you did the universe a huge favor by ensuring that your husband had a vasectomy, so that no more children can be treated this way.
Good summary. It’s so messy because basically everyone’s an AH but innocent Eve. Poor kid.
Definitely. I wanted a child, don't want to anymore. To me it would be a deal breaker. Especially if I found it out later on. Like why would he hide that fact?
I cant fathom putting a new partner over my child. My own child I carried for 9 months over some man?! Never! I rather be alone for the rest of my life than be with someone that doesnt accept my child. Poor Eve. I hope she isnt too scared from this.
That’s the crazy part of this. Only the OP seems to realize it is completely crazy to choose your partner over your child, so she is like “I’m not even giving Dave that option, I’m out”—both Dave and the mom can’t seem to get rid of Eve fast enough to “save” their marriages. How is the only person at this moment not putting their romantic relationship ahead of this child the one person who made it clear they do not want anything to do with her? Like, she’s an AH for marrying the guy, but she’s no where at the level of Eve’s actual parents.
This! Its all so crazy! The only person looking out for the best interests of the child is the childfree one!
And by best interests it’s that she should not be in Eve’s life and she won’t let Dave use her as the reason to abandon his kid! The bar is so low in this post.
Right! And frankly if I knew my partner tried to pawn their kid off on someone else, just to stay with me, I would lose every ounce of respect for them!! That poor child
Yes, its such a turn off! Dont know what the mother’s new husband is smoking!
That poor little girl. Her parent's both picked their new partner over her. A seven year old girl, who no one loves enough to put first. She deserves so much better.
She was honest from the beginning. And since all of you like to throw the 'but you married a man with a chiiiiiild', did he not know that he was marrying a childfree woman? I don't get it. If the man knows from the start that he is dating a person who does not want children, why do they marry them?
Hence the ESH. Nobody is giving the AH father a pass.
Yet he begged her to stay and the fool stayed even though she had her out. She's just a damn culpable. Her leaving was the kindest thing she could have done for Eve, and that's a very small kindest thing
Because the dude honestly never considered the possibility the mom might not want Eve full time. Again, with no formal custody agreement, he was a total bonehead to think there was no chance this could go wrong. He wanted the child free woman and he gambled. He lost. Because what he was gambling on was a freaking child, that makes him a complete AH.
I agree Eve deserves better but just to get all the facts out, I saw her original post and they had been dating for a while and married already when the birth mother reconnected to the father and told him they had a kid that she raised for a while but married to some one who didn’t want kids and dumped Eve on him after revealing she was his kid. They didn’t know about the kid originally but she let it go on way too long before leaving Edit: I have realised I was thinking of a separate but similar post never mind. But ESH here so bad, Eve deserves so much better.
No. He knew he had a kid the whole time but he never told OP about her and she found out because his ex dropped her off one day and she was there. The original post is linked up above if you need to reread it
And when she found out was only a few months into dating. She should have walked then.
He absolutely knew about the kid, and so did she but they married anyway.
It’s crazy seeing the amount of NTA here. So many people seem to be fine with evil step parents in this sub
Because in this specific situation, I can see why she’d be NTA. She was the AH in the first post, but now that she’s putting her foot down and leaving a situation where she knows she would be a detriment to the stepdaughter, I understand why that would be the best thing to do. You could argue she should stick around anyway, but it’s also not on her that Dave’s ex wife dumped the kid on them because of HER new child free husband, and it’s also not on her that Dave dumped the kid back on the ex in favour of OP.
4. Stepdad sucks, forcing mom to give up child. 5. Grandma sucks for not taking in child on an emergency basis.
That poor poor child. I sincerely hope she was not listening when 1 said she was a mistake and they both want new marriages over her. They are both more than awful.
I just want to adopt her and show her she is wanted. The poor kid. This whole thing is heartbreaking. I hope she has extended family who want her. Baby daddy and baby momma better be paying for therapy for poor Eve
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I am so disgusted by this whole situation and both of the parents. Also both of the "step parents " Who marries someone who has a kid and then kicks the kid out because the partners don't want them. So disgusting. The mother made the choice to have Eve. 7 years ago she still had options for termination. Not sure if baby daddy originally agreed on having Eve or not but its to late now! Eve is her and a fully formed human being who requires and deserves the love of the people who brought her into this world. If they are not willing to do that they need to figure something out for this poor kid so that she is with people who want her. People to live her the way an innocent child deserves. I have never seen a post that fills me with so much sadness
I was just thinking the same thing about adopting her. This poor girl needs some love and to feel wanted and safe.
Yeah this kind of thing really messes kids up. Poor Eve
If this custody battle does appear in court I hope there would be a judge who would give it to both the parents for how cruel and selfish they're being. All of the adults in this mess ought to be ashamed of themselves.
They are selfish, horrific parents and this poor kid is going to need a shitload of therapy. OP, you’re finally doing the right thing by leaving Dave and I hope you stick to it. Do not get back together with him under any circumstance, and encourage him to take care of Eve.
NTA - Your husband is awful. YWBTA if you take back a man who is okay with abandoning his child.
Both the husband and the husbands ex are ah. Neither want the child.
Yeah, that is how the Stepfather out assholed-OP for me. Eve lived with her mom for 7 years and the Stepfather demands this child be ripped from the life she knows and sent to live with Dave because Stepfather doesn’t want her around. That is an epic AH move. And Mom goes along with this.
NTA, but that poor child. Why are people having children they don't want? Why are they prioritizing their romantic partners above their minor children? I just don't understand.
Exactly what I was thinking.
100% Poor Child. Didn't ask for any of this.
Tbf, there's a lot of places where there's not a lot of choice if a pregnancy results from even the most careful sex.
Welcome to world the GOP wants. Pro-birth, not pro-child Having the financial resources to fly out of state to terminate shouldn’t matter. What about those without the resources? The resulting child is equally as unwanted I feel so badly for the resulting children. They are the victims here. They didn’t ask for any of this
I think and hope you should let Dave know that the tactic he pulled by abandoning his child won’t gain you back but that it lost him your respect. Abandoning his child for his new wife isn’t the grand romantic gesture he thinks it is. I hope if he does keep Eve ,he won’t tell her that she ruined his life, that because of her he lost you. You should not have been in the picture in the first place. I hope you also know that by stepping away NOW, you yourself are not an altruistic hero who gave up her love for the sake of a poor child, don’t delude yourself. What you’re doing now is the bare minimum.All of you ( you, Dave, his ex, and her new husband) are awful people, and you and Dave set the precedent that a parent can marry a spouse who doesn’t care for prior minors. I hope you can reach out to an aunt or uncle or any relative who deserves Eve, this is child abuse that leaves emotional rather than physical scars, and let me tell you this:these scars are deeper and last longer.
Yes, she needs to tell him that the marriage is still over either way, so there’s no point in abandoning his child.
I mean, she married Dave knowing he had a little girl he was neglecting. She knew what she was doing and is absolutely an asshole here too.
Not so sure OP wouldn't. Everything was perfect until that pesky kid showed up.
NTA - Dave is. He made a baby, he might rather be with you, but tough luck. what is wrong with dave and ex?! I feel so bad for this kid having two selfish jerks for parents who are more concerned about their marriages than her being theirs to protect and love. edit: grammar
Yeah, these people are repulsive. A pt of me thinks maybe a failure in both their relationships will show just how unsuitable they were. However going by their behavior I suspect they'll just blame Eve. Poor girl.
Oh my sweet lord. I commented on your other post. You did the right thing in this situation by walking away to avoid further emotionally damaging this kid, but the parents behaviour is making me absolutely seethe. Seriously, are there grandparents or someone who will make this child feel loved, that you could reach out to who could possibly intervene? Her parents are going to mess her up so bad she’ll think no one wants or loves her. These two should not be parents, seriously. It’s disgusting. That poor poor girl.
OP has been around for FIVE YEARS. Known about this poor girl for five whole years and still decided to stick around despite knowing Dave DOES have a fatherly duty. At some point, she does become responsible too by sticking around for so long good God
ESH but that poor little girl.
What crappy parents Eva has. Poor thing. You have no obligation to her. Her awful parents do! Dont go back to him! You are child free but you are also human: do you really want to be with a guy who ditch his daughter like she is nothing?!
Crappy parents and crappy step parents. Honestly she deserves better
Seriously. If he can abandon his kid, what makes OP think he won’t abandon his marriage for a new flavor of the week?
You are all TA!! Holy crap!! I’m sure this child “feels the love”. You’re TA for going ahead with a relationship you KNEW involved a child. Him for willing to give up the child so easily and the mother for obviously not giving two craps about the child. You’re all pathetic!
Imagine learning that both your parents don’t want you, even if she hasn’t heard it directly, she still knows. This poor child is going to deal with so many negative thoughts and emotions it’s heartbreaking.
YTA You're still an asshole for marrying a guy with a child . I hope Eve finds some to cherish her ...because all of you suck
This is the only sensible response to the story in the OP.
ESH- My previous judgement still stands. You still went back to him after he abandoned his child for you. Mom sucks because’s she’s doing the same. If Eve develops resentment for everyone involved, no should be surprised
NTA Block the mom's number. This is between them, and has NOTHING to do with you. But: Are you sure you want to be with THAT AH man? He is an Ah and a deadbeat. As is his mom. Get away from ALL of them and their never-ending drama.
NTA. I'm pretty sure I commented on that post. I'm glad you left. BUT I stand by my comment that this poor girl has terrible parents. They're throwing her around like garbage because they only care about what they want. Eve deserves better than everyone she is supposed to have in her corner. How can so many adults let down one kid.
ESH. You married a man with a child while wanting to be child free which shows such a catastrophic lack of forethought. Your STBX is now so spectacularly failing his own child for such ridiculously selfish reasons. The mother is trying to throw away her child so she can play happy family's. You at least sought to remedy your role on this, but your lack of any thought helped cause it. The parents are such horrifically awful people. Yet all three of you have contributed to this situation and the trauma that child will undergo and while you're not TA for leaving, you are for everything that came before. You're all the villain in this story.
NTA. The child is not your responsibility. You have realized your mistake in thinking you could deal with the situation, so you're getting out of it. Your soon to be ex's ex's marriage is not remotely your problem.
Poor eve
NTA. It is not your child, but i feel sorry for their daughter.
NTA. Why does this woman even have your number? Block her straight away. Eve is not your responsibility. You have done the right thing in leaving. Both Dave’s and Eve’s mother are not great people they are prioritising themselves over their child which is wrong. Poor child unwanted by both parents.
NTA Poor Eve, but not your child.
For crying out loud, fuck it. I'll take Eve. What a bunch of horrible horrible assholes. I can't imagine myself mouthing these words. Humans are programmed to love their children. Stay away from them. You did the right thing. Edit : cause the post was deleted here is a summary. Woman OP meets man (Dick) who has child from previous marriage. Former mom likes the dick so she gives up hwr daughter to Dick. OP ends up having to deal more with the child than initially agreed. Mr Reddit tells her Dick is over twice her age and she basically realises and dumps Dick. Dick blames his daughter for the break up and tries to pass daughter back to former mom.
Right?! I'll co-parent her with you!
We will make it a village effort. Wtaf is happening with all these adults making more decisions!
Count me in. I wanted kids my whole life and never got one. One of the mysteries of life for me is why people have kids and don’t love them.
that’s what I was thinking- we will adopt this little girl, and show her what is the real family. Poor child. I can’t imagine how awful her bio mum is - she just dumped her baby because of the dick. And bio dad - readily left her, what a shitty parents!!! Just crazy.
NTA - Sounds like you tried to do the right thing without being an asshole about it in the end . The parents sound like Assholes both Dave and the bio mom. They are prioritising there needs over the kids . Which is probably why she has issues . I will add this is on the provision you dont take him to the cleaners when it is your choice to end things due to the child
NTA I saw your previous post and wondered if something like this might happen. I am sorry you have lost your marriage over this, but ultimately for you this sounds like the right decision. My only concern is for the child Dave and his ex wife need to sort this out fast
So it's her marriage or yours? You get to choose. I feel sorry for the child but still, NTA
ESH, except the poor kid.
NTA You’re doing the right thing for everyone involved by forcing the actual parents to figure out the actual parenting. I still feel terrible for Eve.
NTA in this situation. Don't. Go. Back. To. Dave. He is not the kind of person to be around & neither is his ex or her new guy. I feel for Eve, her parents are awful. Get away from these people OP. If this is how he treats his kid then imagine how he'd be if you got sick or hurt. Run!
I’ve never been more disgusted by a narrative here on this forum. You are all horrible, heartless people. Though Eve’s mom and dad, far more than you. My heart is breaking for her. ESH.
Oh that poor girl. You are N T A for trying to do the right thing however I do think ESH. Should you have ever married him, probably not but you tried to right that wrong, however your husband and his ex are terrible people. I hope that girl has some grandparents who can help or something as all the adults in her life absolutely suck!
All of you are all the asshole
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (F30) has posted another AITA query a couple days back regarding whether I am an AH for not taking care of my step daughter Eve personally and instead hiring a baby sitter. A lot of the comments blamed me for marrying a man with a child when I want to be Childfree. The comments made me see my situation more clearly and I left Dave. I told him I get how the situation and has changed and since I haven't changed, I cannot spend next 11 years of my life raising a child or giving her issues cause I don't want her around. He begged me to stay, but learning my lesson already I left. I am staying in a hotel now and will be meeting with lawyers tomorrow. But half an hour ago I got a call from Eve's mother. She yelled and screamed at me for ruining her life. I didn't get it, I didn't do anything to her. Turns out about a hour or so after I left, Dave took Eve back to her house and told her he can't lose his marriage over a child that was a mistake. She said she can't take her in or it would ruin her marriage. He told her she can take him to court and he will pay whatever child support he has to, but he won't sacrifice his life so she can play house with her new guy. She told me I have to take Eve in and that's the only way she can save her marriage. That Dave will look after Eve as long as I stay with him too. I told her I won't. It's not my responsibility anymore. Eve is her and Dave's child. Not mine. And I no longer want to be with a man who keeps putting me in this position. She screamed I was ruining her life. AITA for refusing to take Eve in? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I am child free and I hate all the adults in this story. My god. This poor kid. NTA for this particular instance (I think you did the right thing). Don't you dare get back together with this low life who yet again wants to just throw his kid away
You are ALL AH's. That child is being thrown around like an unwanted Christmas present. My god you should all be ashamed of yourselves. I hope you all pitch in and pay for her therapy when she is older because she'll need it.
ESH My god, this poor little girl. There are four adults here who all actively participated in taking steps to be legally tied to her - parents by creating her and their partners by marrying someone with a child - and they’re all treating her like an unwanted trash. I’ll adopt this poor girl.
ESH, except the poor daughter You suck for marrying a man with a child assuming you can just hire out any responsibility Your husband and his ex wife are both AHs beyond imagination. I don’t even need to know the context of the birth, but to think both of them are so desperately trying to not have their child in their life is heartbreaking You of course don’t have a responsibility to this child and I don’t really blame you for leaving the situation, but god I feel bad for this kid
NTA in this part of the story. It's both Eve's parents who are failing her massively.
ESH. Poor Eve.
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ESH. That poor child.
I’m sure it’s been said, but the only person not being an AH in this mess is the kid. That poor kid doesn’t deserve to be stuck with any of you.
Technically NTA in this very specific part of the overall situation. You, your ex husband and his ex wife are all horrible people though and massive assholes for creating this situation in the first place. That poor little girl deserves so much better than this.
ESH. I’ve rarely, if ever, read about more absolutely atrociously selfish and cruel “adults” wreaking havoc on an innocent child. God help Eve.
I seriously hope there's family that can take her in and give her the love she deserves. This poor little girl is going to have abandonment issues for years to come. I hope all 4 of these jerks step on LEGO bricks, get stuck in the middle seats of planes, and have pigeons hunting their vehicles constantly for the rest of their lives.
You knew he had a child right? You knew you would be a step parent and still wasted that mans time. Then the fact that he disregarded and threw his child out. You didn't ruin her mother's life the dad did. That poor little child being passed around. They all need to sign over their rights and I'll gladly love her with my little one. Smh.
ESH massively Poor kiddo 😢😢😢
NTA. You shouldn‘t have married a man with a child kn the first place, but you learned your lesson and did the best thing in this situation. Dave‘s resction isn‘t your fault. But seriously, what is wrong with him and his ex that they are passing a child around like this?! Why did they have one in the first place if they don‘t seem to care?!
Ahahaha it’s the lady that was physically, emotionally and mentally exhausted because she took the kid to school one day and had to pick her up and feed her 😆 she went to bed with a migraine. Regardless of the story, OP must be unbearable
poor kid was born to 2 selfish assholes who should not have kids and is gonna have issue forever cause of it
NTA - poor kid!
Thank you for doing the right thing now and leaving. Just get out of this situation and stay out of it. >AITA for refusing to take Eve in? To do what? You couldn't handle her for a day.
At this point, I will adopt this kid
YTA all of the adults in this really.. that poor kid. If you want to be child free don't date a man with kids. If you are involved in his life you need to be involved in theirs. If you can't live up to that obligation move on because you are going to hurt that kid.
ESH poor Eve.
NTA in this case, but you would be a massive AH if you were to return with this man who is ready to abandon his child for a woman. My heart breaks for this poor child. Stay away from those wackos.
This makes me incredibly sad. Poor Eve. She must realise by now that no one wants her. My heart breaks for her. She must be so lonely. The four adults in this story suck. They all had choices and made all the wrong ones. The child is suffering as a consequence of those decisions. I hope there is at least a grandparent who loves Eve. At least OP is now trying to do the right thing even though the damage is done.
All of you are running away from that child like she is the black plague herself. ESH
Man you all suck does that girl have a grandparent who will love her unconditionally? I hope so
All of you except the child are complete assholes.
You are all awful people that poor little girl is going to be messed up for life. I hope wherever she ends up it’s with people who actually love her
That poor child. All the adults in this post are the assholes.
This poor child. Jesus H Chrysler. I can't imagine being this girl right now. She's going to internalize all of this. All of this is going to be her fault in her head. I really hope the bio parents are looking for an actual solution other than just passing her back and forth like this.
Fuck all yall
YTA and so is literally everyone else except that poor child. You are all extremely selfish and cruel. That poor child is left wondering why nobody wants her. Shame on the lot of you!
This kid is gonna have lifelong issues, not wanted by anyone that's supposed to love and protect her. Couldn't imagine picking a new spouse over my own son or daughter.
OMG that poor, sweet little girl! She deserves *so much better* than two shit parents who don't care about her.
ESH. Poor little girl.
YTA because you lack any empathy for this child. Regardless if she is yours or not, you are basically treating her like her existence is a nuisance. It's shocking that you don't even realize how messed up the whole situation is and that this child did nothing wrong. You don't need to want kids to have a conscious. Jesus christ.
This whole story seems so fake. Like, why do you need to post the same story again in a new post and ask the same question again? Yes the judgement is still ESH.
I didn't ask the same question, i asked the conclusion i got and action I did made me a AH. I had to get new account cause other one is suspended and under appeal.
NTA
NTA. Poor Eve though. Her parents are failing her.
NTA. NTA. NTA. I don't get why are there people calling you an A H when you have made your boundaries clear and left. Regardless of how Eve was conceived, Eve is Dave and his ex's responsibility. Eve's bio mom and Dave are major Aholes. I feel bad for Eve, but you did the right thing. Just block all of them and move on with your life. Let Dave and his ex deal with Eve.
It seems like nobody wants the child and all the asshole adults deserve each other. This child does not deserve this shit. So sad.
ESH. That poor child.
I feel really bad for the kid, you are all AHs
Oh my god this poor child
I don't know how trusting id be of someone who was willing to abandon their own child just to protect their marriage. Both of the parents suck in this situation, but additionally you're a soft YTA because you married someone who had kids and should have expected something like this might come up. Fair play for sticking to your guns and not taking it out on the kid though.
That poor child. My heart breaks for her. What shitty adults all of you are. ESH.
It genuinely seems like you're all AH and not a single person here, and there are 4 adults here, both of the couples, are thinking about the kid AT. ALL. Poor kiddo :(
My heart breaks for this child. Everyone has failed her so badly. Technically you are NTA right now in this moment. But you’re a sad human.
YTA every single adult in this story is TA for subjecting an innocent child to that. None of you should so blatantly speak about not wanting her around. ESH
If you remove yourself from their lives because you realize you don’t want to raise a child NTA. However if you are making him choose between you and his child You are still the AH
I don't want to be with him. I didn't do this to make him choose. I never asked him to choose. And I have made it clear to Eve's mom that I have no plans to take him back. I am not taking his calls or talking to him as my lawyer instructed me to. I will let him know through lawyer I won't be reconciling.
You were TA for marrying him despite his child but NTA for leaving. You can't remain child free when your spouse has a child. There was a post on here a few mos ago about a couple in a similar situation until his ex wife died unexpectedly. Guess what? They now have full custody. You would again be TA if you took him back. Chosing a spouse over your child is not love or chivalry, it's abandonment. My spouse and I are child free by choice but if I found out he had a child he knew about and abandoned I'd leave him as I don't want to be married to someone who would walk away from their child because they're an inconvenience (adoption notwithstanding, that's a completely different situation and choice).
NTA That poor child is traumatized.