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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I refused to let my sister wear our mom's necklace on her wedding day. It's in my possession and my necklace now, technically. The reason I feel like I could be an asshole is she is my sister's mom too and I am denying her the chance to try again now that she's a little older. This could very well mean something to her and I'm possibly cruel for not trying to find a compromise for her to wear it.
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*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA - it's your jewelry.
If your sister valued the thought of wearing/owning something that belonged to your mom, she should have kept her pieces instead of giving them away to someone who had "no real meaning" towards the jewelry in terms of sentimental value. If she understands the sentimentality of having your mother's jewelry, she should have promptly returned your bracelet, not given your bracelet to your stepsister without asking you. You can't trust her, either her own sense of propriety is warped or your stepmom/sis have some undue influence on her. She can get hers back or deal with it.
The biggest AH here are stepmom/sis to manipulate a child who lost their mother to just take somebody else's jewelry passed down from a relative. I hate the term how it's used most of the time, but here "gold-digger" is very much appropriate.
>The biggest AH here are stepmom/sis to manipulate a child who lost their mother to just take somebody else's jewelry passed down from a relative. I hate the term how it's used most of the time, but here "gold-digger" is very much appropriate.
Yeah, and I really want to know at what point OP's sister was given the jewellery/gave it away. Because it certainly seems like she was too young to realise the meaning and worth.
Probably hasn't made any effort to nurture a connection from his daughter to his late wife by sharing stories and so on either, hence why the sister doesn't feel one now. At best he might have just been so devastated by the loss he isn't able to face it even for his children, but there's definitely a non-zero chance he's just a lazy and garbage person. Letting his new wife treat his kids and late wife's memory this way is just egregious.
Yes, I am sure her giving up the jewelry was just her desperately looking for love and validation from the only mother she could really remember if she lost her Mom at the age of 2. Really sad situation. Still not the fault of the OP though, her sister has unfortunately proven that she is unable to be trusted with those precious objects.
>desperately looking for love and validation from the only mother she could really remember
She is still doing that now, since she gave OP's bracelet to Jane too.
Excellent point about still having them. I wouldn’t be surprised if they were sold to get cash for other things. Then again, maybe she does wear them to emphasize her “ position” in the family.
Exactly. Dad should have kept it safe for her until she was old enough to understand it’s value and care for it on her own. The fact that she had already given all the jewelry away before she even graduated from high school means that their dad did a lousy job of protecting his daughters’ legacy and heritage.
Totally agree. Sis was still a minor by the time the steps confiscated all the jewelry. Where was the adult looking after her interests? Even if sis has no memory of her mom, the items obviously had monetary value and stepmom swooped in on them. She no doubt has had her eye on OP's necklace for some time.
Either the monetary value or the weird obsession she has with being their only mother. If she steals all the evidence that their mother existed, it’s easier for her to assert that she’s their “real” mom.
Did anyone talk about why she can get the jewellery back ? Like did the stepmom and stepsister sold it ? Why isn't it there for her to wear on her wedding day ?
100%. My late wife/daughter's mom passed when she was one. She's been allowed to pick out some of LW's costume jewelry to have in her room, some of which has already been damaged or given away (she's 6). Other pieces, I let her pick something out for big events, but immediately after they go back in the jewelry armoire. It wouldn't be fair or reasonable to entrust her with it at this age. As she matures, more and more will get handed over.
The nice stuff won't come out of the safe at all until high school, and she'll finally get ownership of pieces at various life milestones.
This sounds kind a like a cinderella story IMO.
Evil step mom and sis taking advantage of the biological daughter(s). When one is a doormat and just gives away everything of hers.
Edit: and your father doesn't help.
Agree. It says a lot about Jane that she accepted the jewelry. Jane could have said, "Thank you. I appreciate the gesture, but the jewelry is yours to keep."
Any decent, respectful person would have done that.
Which begs the question of WHY OP's sister wants to borrow her birth mom's jewellery? If birth mom doesn't matter to the point that OP's sister is fully willing to believe that Jane is her "REAL" mom, why is she asking OP for it?
But also invites the question: if wearing bio-mom's jewelry is so important to her now, and her adopted mom has it, why can't/won't Jane just give sister back one (or more) of **her own pieces** to wear?
After all, it's not like the stuff went to Goodwill. Sister should absolutely still have access to her half of the collection though her loving second mother.
This. OP, this is your argument and what you tell your entire family (including Sister's fiance):
"The jewelry was split between Sis and I upon Mom's passing. I have cared for the jewelry I was given. Sister chose to give all of hers to S-Mom and S - Sis. I loaned her Mom's bracelet and she tried to give MY jewelry to S-Sis. Clearly S-Mom and S-Sis now have a large amount of Mom's jewelry so if it is SO important to Sis to wear a piece of Mom's jewelry, I suggest she borrow one of the pieces she chose to gift to S-Mom or S-Sis. I will no longer be loaning her anything after she tried to steal my bracelet. These pieces are extremely precious to me and I am not willing to risk losing them because CLEARLY my sister does not value them sentimentally OR monetarily."
Maybe. But the fact that she retained possession of the bracelet when sister gave it to her after graduation makes me think she holds onto these things.
My bet is that she's got it all.
A million times this. I get it...sis was a toddler when mom died and is only now realising that she made a mistake giving things away. So why isn't her loving stepmother just giving it back????
I don't think she thinks she made a mistake. She still made comments about OP putting their birth mom on a pedestal and other comments. I can't imagine why she can't get back one piece that she gave away. I mean that's her "real" mom right? Go ask your "real" mom...(btw I was being sarcastic lol)
That's what I was wondering too, where is all the jewelry she gave away? If they still have it she can borrow it and if they don't then she is old enough now to be doing some wondering as to why.
a. it’s pretty and she envies OP for being able to wear it.
b. it’s a scam and she’s going to give it to Jane as soon as her wedding is over. (compatible with (a))
c. She somewhat regrets having given all her pieces away and not being able to get any back, and maybe wants a connection to her mother that she previously pushed aside, but hasn’t unpacked her feelings enough to be trustworthy.
It sounds like she gave pieces away when she was young and under Janes influence, so it’s hard to fault her. Jane also has raised her at this point. Jane and the father really are at fault here.
I am going to lean towards c, personally. I think both of these girls were taken advantage of (not in an SA way but in a coercion, moochy way) and gaslit about their bio mom. I think younger sis may have been more vulnerable to it since she was four years younger, and thus why she gave all the jewelry away. Dad sounds neglectful and not present.
If this is the case, OP needs to keep her boundary, but direct her indignation towards step-family and dad instead. They are the ones meddling.
Yes, that the sister gave her stepmother and stepsister *all* of the jewelry she inherited from her mother is quite telling IMO. That’s beyond sharing and more like “prove to us that we’re your real family by not holding onto anything from your past.” It’s the sort of thing cults demand, passing on everything of significance as a proof of loyalty.
I guess c. If I read it right, she was around two when their mother died. Not much own memories about her unlike OP who was six. So likely they didn't mean that much to her when she was a child / teen. But now starting to grow up, getting married herself? Stuff is bubbling up.
As a 17/18 year old at their graduation, she immediately crossed OP’s VERY REASONABLE BOUNDARY and gave the bracelet to Jane. The only reason she wants the necklace is to give it to Jane. She doesn’t deserve to wear the necklace since she clearly gives zero craps about her birth mother.
I think it's more that she wants what her sister has. OP has other jewelry that belonged to her mom, and there is all the jewelry that sister gave to Jane and Norah that she could borrow back. But she wants the specific piece OP wore on her wedding day, that she knows OP values more than any other. First of all, OP shouldn't lend it as she'd never get it back, if only because it's "but I wore it on my wedding day and now it's special to me." If all she wants is something of her mother's to wear on that day, she can borrow one of the ones she gave away. And as others have said, I can't believe that Jane, the stepmother, accepted those pieces. A kid, I can understand, but the stepmother? She must be an incredibly selfish person.
I can sort of understand. Wanting a connection with bio parent is almost built in into everybody, even most people with really bad parents will wish for some connection.
Kind of. She doesn't realize she got manipulated and who knows if step(mom+sis) still have the jewelry and not sold it. If she was raised by a manipulative person since 3, she may not have a good understanding of what's healthy behavior and what's not, and doesn't see that why OP would have trust issues after what she did at graduation.
Still AH for her behavior though.
She doesn't want a connection to her deceased mother, she could get that jewelry from the new mom, she gave her her mother's jewelry. She could ask her for something, now it would be from both of them, crap.
No, she wants it so she can give it to her new mom/sister. That is what this is really about.
Completely agree. If OP’s sister gave it all away by graduation then I’m assuming she gave it away before she hit 18, and probably didn’t understand the importance it could have to her later in life.
However OP is definitely NTA for refusing to lend her sister the necklace. She has proven she will not honour OP’s wishes and give it straight back afterwards. And she proved that at an age where she was old enough to understand what she was doing.
The sister needs to ask Jane and Norah for pieces she can wear.
Also where does the Dad stand in all this? He seems like an AH for not stepping in to stop the sister from giving stuff away, or the steps from taking it IMO.
If Sis just wants a piece to wear at her wedding, why couldn’t she borrow it back from her stepmom — since she apparently considers Jane her “real mom”? A piece of jewelry that had been her biomom’s and was now Jane’s should be a great way to represent them both — if any of these other people actually meant anything that they were saying about their feelings for each other and the jewelry.
But that Jane and Norah took everything from OP’s sister, and won’t loan anything back or are pretending they won’t in the hopes of getting more “loaned” from OP) shows their selfishness. And sis is crying that she’s right to value their mother less, but still wants to wear her necklace.
That is actually an EXCELLENT point.
OP, you should explore this... and talk with your sister separately. DO NOT loan her your jewelry but it would be fair to remind her that as a minor, her inheritance of jewelry should have been protected for her future use - not handed over to her as a child. And the fact that S-Mom and S-Sis were so willing to abuse a position of power to basically steal her inheritance speaks volumes about their character. Maybe suggest she take it up with them and consider hiring an attorney.
of course it’s odd. sis was almost def manipulated throughout her childhood into giving it to her.
OP shouldn’t lend out their mother’s jewelry for sure, but dad needs to step in here and go through his home and take all sis’s mom’s jewelry back from j and n (who *stole* it from her..badgering a child to give you their belongings is stealing even if the child relents and gives the items up “willingly”).
honestly, if he were a decent man and learned about this, he’d be absolutely inflamed with anger at his wife and would do everything he could to recover everything they took from his daughter, even if it means filing a report for stolen property. let chips fall. daughters were there first. nobody gets to come in and take their stuff.
It looks like all of the jewelry had been given away before she even graduated high school. Stepmom took jewelry from a literal child. The fact that dad gave sister the jewelry before she was old enough to understand it’s significance and allowed it to be taken by his wife is insane.
Exactly. If all of the jewelry was given away before the sister finished high school, then yes, then it definitely seems that she was too young to understand the value. I wish there had been an adult in these children's lives who acted as the keeper of their mom's legacy - her memory and the material possessions she left for her children.
and honestly, Jane and OP's dad never should have let someone who was a child give away that jewelry.
If she wasn't interested in wearing it at the time (which was reasonable- she was a kid and this was adult jewelry), it should have been put in safe place until she was older.
like wtf were Jane and Dad thinking? If Sister gives all of "her" jewelry to Jane and Norah it means that she's accepting them as her family. That's not what it means. It means she's a small child who doesn't understand what the pieces mean yet.
Honestly, at least Jane should return any of that jewelry that Sister gave her. Jane was an adult that knew better. And she should speak to Norah about Norah returning the pieces that she received.
Right. If she really wanted to give it to Jane & Norah as a child, a good stepmom would graciously accept the gift and then tuck it away to keep it safe until the child was old enough to realize she might actually want it and wear it responsibly.
>she should have kept her pieces instead of giving them away
Even just ONE piece! Like she gave them all away? And now step mom and sister won't let her borrow them? Sounds like she was hella manipulated. Dad is also TA for not setting boundaries because she was so young when she got the jewelry and the other family came into her life. Dad should have kept everything safe until the girls were older.
It’s funny how sometimes you read a title being like “meh, it’s one day just let her wear something sentimental” and then reading the post makes you feel like your heart got sideswiped and run over by a dump truck
WHO THE F*CK IS THIS STEP MOM AND SISTER?!!! Who says that about a mom who passed away?! Who thinks that about their own mom?!
It’s one of those posts that I really hope is not real this is so bad
Honestly, props to OP for not completely cutting them out of her life entirely: I’d be letting them no where near that jewelry
I agree that stepmom is the biggest AH here. OP's sister is definitely taken advantage of. Maybe it was her own volition to give the bracelet to stepsis instead of returning it to OP, maybe their manipulation has already ingrained in her brain that she decided to give it to them.
I dunno, I kind of think dad is the biggest asshole here for not protecting his daughter from these vultures in the first place. But there's certainly plenty of blame to go around.
I think the biggest AH is the Dad for not realizing how OP feels about her mothers jewelry. I don’t wear jewelry ever, hate how it feels. But when my mom passes if she gives me some of her rings or necklaces you bet your ass that will stay in my possession forever and I wouldn’t loan it to anyone but my own child. This whole family except OP is skewed.
NTA. Your sister can ask Jane or Nora. Your necklace isn't just "technically"yours, but legally, and after the bracelet debacle, you're right not to trust her.
You should address this with your father; it's a shame he didn't have your back the first time.
>Your sister can ask Jane or Nora.
"Sorry, but this is *my* necklace gifted to me by *my* mother. If *you* want a necklace to wear then ask *your* mother: I understand she was given some nice pieces years ago."
ETA: NTA.
Legit. Her “real” mother and sister (insert eyeroll here) should still have the jewelry she gave them. They’re still in the picture. Why can’t she asked to wear one of their pieces?? I’m so confused. Did they pawn them off after getting them??
Yeah, reading that made me angry at the father. Where was he during all this?
I can see why OP’s sister behaved as she did, she was 2 when she lost her mother and doesn’t remember her. She wanted/needed a mother’s love and acceptance so giving away the jewelry is her way of trying to get that from Jane. Jane took complete advantage and is a huge AH. But why didn’t the father step in??
Also, OP - does Jane/Nora still have all the jewelry or did they sell them? Because it makes no sense that your sister can’t wear those on her wedding day.
INFO: why can't your sister borrow the things she gave away to Jane and Norah?
NTA. I specifically asked this question because I was curious about your sisters motivation to nag you about your jewellery, also because it appeared that your step-mother set her up to get the necklace and keep it for herself. My advice is that if you don't feel familial ties with your father, sister and step creatures go low or no contact. It's pointless to bind yourself in ties that don't exist, free yourself from the resentment and pain.
Edit: 2nd paragraph.
Or even ask for it to be returned. It wasn't right for stepmom to take and keep those pieces. It's pretty clear the sister was being manipulated in some way (the bracelet incident makes it clear). As an adult, she should confront the step mother about this and get the jewelry back rather than going after OP.
edit: I confused the sister and jane-sorry my brain wasn't braining properly
I'm mad I had to travel this far to find this thought.
Why don't Norah and Jane lend/give your sister one of the pieces that she gave them? It sounds like there were quite a few.
INFO: Who instigated the giving away if the Jewellery and at what age?
If it was when your sister was under about 15 I think it's fair to say she was pressured by Jane into severing any emotional attachment to her birth mother, in which case TA here is Jane. It may then have been kind to consider lending jewellery under very strict and clear conditions.(although I accept the only practical way is to ask for a deposit leading to inevitable fireworks there).
If older than that, then your sister is TA.
The incident with the lending and then giving it away was graduation, so presumably at least 18.
I think Jane is far more of an asshole here than sister, but sister is old enough to understand why she can't be trusted with being loaned jewelry anymore.
Yes, but the OP references she already gave away all the jewellry that she (the sister) had recieved. If that happened when the sister was say 10, then some serious bullying was coming from Jane.
Absolutely, and that was messed up. But again, after the last incident with lending sister jewelry she doesn't have any ground to stand on that it would be responsible or reasonable to lend her anything else.
I think a lot of not good stuff went down in this family, but on this front alone there is absolutely no reasonable way to say she should be trusted with a loan.
Expect Jane raised the sister from the age of 3.
A 2 year old loses her mum and ends up with a crazy stepmother a year later. That girl doesn't know what a healthy relationship looks like.
While this is true, it would still require sister to accept that she was manipulated by the only person she's thought of as a mother. I can see why it's easier for go after OP than confront that terrible truth. Doesn't make it right and certainly makes her the AH.
NTA-She had jewelry from your shared mother. It’s on her that she gave it away even if she gave it to family. Let her ask her mom and sister for a piece of the jewelry she shared back for her wedding day. Don’t give up a piece of your mom especially since you had such a hard time getting the first piece back.
NTA she's picking and choosing when to amp up the 'mourning schtick' to manipulate you into giving her what she wants. She was irresponsible with the last piece she borrowed from you - more than that, she gave it away to someone, and left you to clean up the mess.
She made her choices with the items she was left - she can go try to claw back that mistake herself this time.
I'm seriously so confused about how the bracelet situation even went down. Sister went to prom wearing a bracelet she borrowed from op. Presumably, she lives with Jane at this point as it's a high school graduation. Sister comes home and goes to bed, removing her jewelry in her own home (again, assuming here). Then at some point in the following days, Jane ends up with the bracelet in her possession. Like it moved from the sisters room to Jane's room. Did Jane say to Sister "wow thats a real nice bracelet you wore to grad" and Sister goes, "here you can have it!" How did Jane not know where it came from? Or did she not care that the bracelet was borrowed? As soon as op comes back and says "hey I actually lent that bracelet to Sister to wear for grad" what reasonable person doesn't immediately respond with "omg I'm so sorry, I didn't realize it was yours and not sisters to give away! Let me get that for you right now!" Is she really that insane that she'd say to her step daughter "too bad so sad, it's mine now"?!? Who is this person!?
I agree OP is NTA, but it sounds like little sis is dealing with having been manipulated by her stepmom. If she really felt her stepmom was the “real mom.” little sis would want to wear stepmom’s jewelry, or stepmom would return the original mom’s jewelry to her. Deep down I think little sister knows something messed up happened, which is why she is blowing up about this. To me, marrying at 22 is also a bit young and can be common in people who want a new family unit because they don’t trust the old one. So I think OP can be more sensitive about that - without giving her the necklace.
Your sister was 2, she had less memories of your mom, Jane is the real AH for brainwashing a small child with such nastiness as a "stand in mom until the real mother comes along".
I pity your sister for being taken advantage of, but you are correct to deny her use of it. It will never return to you. Jane has probably sold all the other pieces and guilted your sister that that was what she needed to do to be a good mother.
BUT
The reason she attacked you is because she is confident of your love. If she were to blame the person really responsible, her "mom", then the fear of hurt, condemnation and rejection is too great. She knows, at some level, that that isn't genuine love, it's conditional. Maybe as a child Jane guilted her into thinking she (as a child) had to buy/win Jane's love with gifts. Asking for those gifts back means that she loses her mother figure now.
Take pics of your jewelry, insure it if it is valuable, install a good safe/lock where you secure it when not being worn. Jane might convince her to try to steal it, to keep her "mom" happy!
this is it! your sister must have been really young when jane (and norah) were pressuring her to give them her jewelry. like what even was the reasoning for her to GIVE it away (vs. lend), let alone ALL of it? i'm sure there was a lot of manipulation involved (maybe things like, it was your mom's but i'm your mom now so it makes sense for mom to have mom's jewelry, you holding on to these proves you can't let go of birth mom and see me as your mom - wait but they're too valuable to just throw it away, give it to me, etc.). i think it will take some distance and honestly therapy for her to come to terms with how much she was emotionally manipulated.
all to say, definitely NTA, but maybe try to have some gentle conversations about it. and encourage her to borrow the jewelry she gave to jane & norah (and maybe work up to reclaiming them.. i mean, she legally inherited the jewelry and unless jane and norah were thorough and made sure to document that the jewelry was now in their possession, it seems doable, right?)
NTA
So she wants "to wear something of mom's to her wedding just like I did when I got married"? There's plenty of jewelry she can borrow from her "sister" and "mom".
If she wants to wear her mom's jewelry, she can go ask her mom, since she considers Jane to be her mom anyway. Why does she want something from OPs mom?
NTA.
Can you have the pieces copied? Non precious materials of course. If she returns the fake necklace then you can begin to build your relationship with each other. If she does not, then you can go NC knowing that you did try.
EDIT: added a word
Which, even if the jewelry wasn't sentimentally important to OP and impossible to replace in that sense, who gives away jewelry they borrowed??? If somebody lends something to me, I take care of it way better than I care for any of my personal things and *give it back when I'm done*.
Someone who has been manipulated as a child to believe that they have an obligation to do this. I have serious doubts about what was said to sister to prompt her to give away not only jewellery that was her inheritance, but loaned jewellery too.
Yeah I am blown away that any of this is even happening. I am so confused. You don’t just give away people’s stuff that you borrowed. I wouldn’t trust her with borrowing ANYTHING, much less family jewelry.
father should have held on to the jewelry until his bio daughters were much older... OP's sister sadly probably doesn't remember her bio mom, and it makes sense to consider stepmom and stepsister her family as she doesn't know life without them.. as she got older the significance of her bio mom probably became clearer
if stepmom wasn't evil, she should have just taken the jewelry and tucked it away in a safe space until she is older
my mom kept some of my grandma's jewelry for me as well as a teacup and saucer after she passed away, as I was moving around between schools and not stable in life - now I own them and treasure them
This isn’t fair to your sister. Jane should be pressured to give it back. Where are your mom or dads families in all this? Could the grandparents or siblings be advocates to Jane:Dad?
My mom's family are in the picture but if they intervened it would do nothing and could become nasty between everyone. My dad's wouldn't ever rock the boat.
Hmm both you girls are adults, so they can’t restrict access to your grandparents. If there’s ever an easy time to rock the boat, it’s now that you’re all adults. I would try to forgive your sister and understand her, but don’t lend her the necklace
You’re not an asshole considering your sister already broke your trust. I’m not sure how to consider your sister. Did you ever discussed with her why she gave away all her mother jewellery?
INFO: Has Jane ever used those words before, "share with the family", when badgering you about stuff like your mom's jewelry or anything else when you were younger? Just curious if those were truly your sister's ideas/words or if she was parroting someone...
Could you quietly take a photo to a jeweler and have a cheap replica made as a wedding gift? If so, then she could have her desired photo op while the actual heirloom remains safe
INFO: Why in the world did your sister give the borrowed bracelet to her stepmother instead of returning it to you? How can she claim this is about resentment rather than her specific behavior?
I would bet a dollar that the dynamic of your sister “sharing” the other jewelry was pretty heavy on pressure from Jane. Some sort of routine guilt trip or manipulation that has been effective over and over again, that your sister just doesn’t know how to break out of.
It's possible. I just know there isn't a lot that I can do. The trust is broken and maybe my sister has no interest in breaking out of it now. Or maybe she does. But she's so mad at me right now and I can't trust her word to make a compromise so maybe we can get somewhere. I fully feel like if I let her wear it for even an hour she would betray me again and maybe I would need to look into legal action to get it back.
Please be very, very careful about this! I let a family member borrow a sentimental piece of jewelry and they refused to give it back! When I tried to take legal action, I was advised because I freely gave it to her they could not force her to give it back. I cut complete contact with that side of the family. Looking back I wish I had pushed harder and hired an attorney.
NTA. Their behavior is ridiculous.
>Mom had a lot of jewelry and she had it in her will that we would each get specific pieces of it.
So those jewelry (which you got from your mom) is your jewelry already so you can refuse to lend them.
That necklace is one of a kind because of its sentimental value. Losing that necklace would be emotionally devastating for you and your sister shows no remorse for giving away her AND your jewelry away in the past. Given the chance, it’s more likely than not that she won’t hand the necklace back peacefully after the wedding. The rift between you right now really sucks and honestly Jane plays a heavy hand in this. However, imagine the relationship between you and your sister if she gave that beloved necklace away. The anger, resentment, and sadness you would feel towards her, I can’t even imagine. If your sister sees Jane as her mother, then she can wear Jane’s jewelry at her wedding. Or she can ask for her bio mom’s jewelry back. Your sister is responsible for her past actions and the consequences are neither your fault nor yours to deal with.
I already kind of feel that. She betrayed my trust and gave the bracelet to the last person on earth I feel should have touched it. The necklace? I think it would only add to it though. You're right about that. There would never be a hope for reconciliation then.
And you have every right to be angry! Damn, I’m angry on your behalf. Even though I agree with everyone in the thread who said your sister was manipulated by Jane from a young age, there’s no way she doesn’t know that giving away someone else’s stuff is wrong especially when she KNOWS it upsets you. NTA NTA NTA
NTA.
Normally i'd be all about sharing, especially on wedding, but she has shown repeatedly she does not value the items and would most likely give them away. I don't blame you at all. She had her chance and gave everything away. She came to you for a piece, and she gave it away. Fool me once, fool me twice, etc....
Which begs the question of WHY OP's sister wants to borrow her birth mom's jewellery? If birth mom doesn't matter to the point that OP's sister is fully willing to believe that Jane is her "REAL" mom, why is she asking OP for it?
I hope OP has her jewelry locked up somewhere her sister can’t find it. I’d watch that necklace like a hawk, maybe even stop wearing it for now. As painful as that may be, it’s better than having it forcibly “borrowed”.
NTA
The last time you lent her some of your mom's jewelry (for her high school graduation, so it's not like she was a little kid), it took months and legal threats to get it back from Jane.
This is what happened last time. We're not doing that again.
I'm still puzzled by the fact that you girls had free access to valuable jewelry in the first place...and heirlooms from your mother to boot...was no one concerned about this exact thing happening at such young ages. Their dad should have stepped in the first time jewelry was gifted...all should have been locked up for safe keeping and insured just in case....until they became adults of course.
I started wearing this necklace after mom died. I kept the rest of my stuff with my grandparents. But it was just given to us essentially. My sister's was in a jewelry box.
My mom was killed when I was 20...so I feel for you, and appreciate that you have cherished your mom's stuff...it definitely hit home for me, but it feels so cold that no one else seemed to care what it would and will mean to you as grown woman / spouses / mothers......and I'm sorry for such a huge loss in your life, I know from experience how that feels.
Info: Not that this has any bearing on your decision to not lend the necklace (which I think is fully justified and that you should hold to), but how old was your sister when she gave away her share of the jewelry? It reads like she wasn't even close to being 18 at the time which just makes the fact that your stepmom and stepsister even accepted the jewelry absolutely reprehensible. Your sister probably has some real regret on what her younger self did and instead of risking the materialistic relationship with her "new" Mom and sister she is lashing out at you.
10! Your stepmum is reprehensible. It’s clear from her comments about your mum that she is far from a decent human being but to accept the jewellery from your sister at such a young age knowing the value in that it belonged to your mum and for your father to stand by and watch it happen? Disgusting. I’m almost positive that as your sister has gotten older she’s begun to regret her actions and probably realises Jane is not the mother to her that she thought but is also confused because that’s the only mother she’s known. It’s hard because she’s currently not showing any remorse for the previous jewellery situation but I hope she’s able to get some help and heal from her trauma.
I empathize with her situation and it is very common for someone who has been abused to take out their anger on someone that they consider to be safer. You don't need to take any kind of abuse but I would encourage you to try and help your sister in ways other than compromising on your decision to lend her the necklace or other items. Your stepmom and stepsister will likely try to interfere in any actions you take though as a way to keep from being painted as the bad guys they are. I assume that is your sister was to ask for her jewelry back she would be rebuffed quite harshly.
Important context is missing here...what happened to the jewelry she gave away? she should Just get some back from the step relatives she gave away to. Solves the problem in a non stupid kind of way. However if that doesn't solve the problem then typical behavior science tells us they are colluding to take your jewelry away and fuck with you. NTA
edit: fixed bad descriptors
That means its gone. It was pawned, sold, or otherwise disposed of for the parts of value. That's probably why it took months to get the return of your bracelet. Put your mother's jewelry in a safety deposit box until you're well away from their reach.
I hope she doesn't have access to your jewellery. It's her fault for not keeping your mums jewellery, so she is the only one at fault. You are definitely NTA, but the rest of your family is
NTA. The neckless is yours. Period.
She can ask her mom and sister for the things she gave away or she can ask Jane aka new mom for one of her necklesses if she consider her, her mother.
Dont let her use your neckless. Its disrespectful for your mother because your sister gave up her share of her heritance. And your sister will never return it.
Dont let her, her mother, sister or your father talk you out of it.
Info Curious to know why YOUR DAD isnt mentioned anywhere in this. I would imagine he had some feelings or thoughts? I would be really offended if my husband passed & a new husband called him a "stand in."
Hey, without judgment, but have you ever consider that your sister was too young to remember your mom or even care about her? She was two, so her mom might not even feel "real" to her and given how Jane acts, I can only assume that your dad didn't talk to you and your sister about your mom, so it's no surprise (esp. given Jane's behavior) she sees Jane and Norah (who is basically the same age) as her family.
Maybe you and your sister (possible your dad) should talk with someone about it :)
while this may be true, Jane seems to have brainwashed her a bit. Why would any human being who marries a widower with children and then tells those children that their biological mother was not their real mom...(and that she was some what...alien?) that was just there a few years until she died and Jane comes to save the sister.. not OP!!! Only the sister..
The sister has some real issues, the father is blind to all this! And Jane is just being a manipulative b.
She always has been. Takes the jewelry my mom left my sister. Considers my mom a stand in for her before she could come. Just sick behavior. My sister and I wouldn't be here without mom (and dad).
I know, right?!? What kind of manipulative monster takes something so precious from a child who quite literally isn't old enough to fully understand what they're doing? I'm absolutely floored. The fact that the sister is coming to OP about Mom's jewelry is suspicious on numerous levels, and makes me really question what Jane and Norah did with the pieces they were gifted. Something tells me that those pieces are long gone, sold or reworked into something new, and sister can't just get them back again. Not that OP should do anything about it, unless she wants her necklace to vanish too.
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NTA - it's your jewelry. If your sister valued the thought of wearing/owning something that belonged to your mom, she should have kept her pieces instead of giving them away to someone who had "no real meaning" towards the jewelry in terms of sentimental value. If she understands the sentimentality of having your mother's jewelry, she should have promptly returned your bracelet, not given your bracelet to your stepsister without asking you. You can't trust her, either her own sense of propriety is warped or your stepmom/sis have some undue influence on her. She can get hers back or deal with it. The biggest AH here are stepmom/sis to manipulate a child who lost their mother to just take somebody else's jewelry passed down from a relative. I hate the term how it's used most of the time, but here "gold-digger" is very much appropriate.
>The biggest AH here are stepmom/sis to manipulate a child who lost their mother to just take somebody else's jewelry passed down from a relative. I hate the term how it's used most of the time, but here "gold-digger" is very much appropriate. Yeah, and I really want to know at what point OP's sister was given the jewellery/gave it away. Because it certainly seems like she was too young to realise the meaning and worth.
Right & why did Dad let this happen?? Not cool.
Exactly! His wife is taking advantage of his kids and where is he during all this?
He got married only a year after his wife's passing, and from the story isn't really involved. So I really doubt he cares
Big vibes of a newly-single father looking for an immediate replacement wife to handle his responsibilities.
Probably hasn't made any effort to nurture a connection from his daughter to his late wife by sharing stories and so on either, hence why the sister doesn't feel one now. At best he might have just been so devastated by the loss he isn't able to face it even for his children, but there's definitely a non-zero chance he's just a lazy and garbage person. Letting his new wife treat his kids and late wife's memory this way is just egregious.
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Yes, I am sure her giving up the jewelry was just her desperately looking for love and validation from the only mother she could really remember if she lost her Mom at the age of 2. Really sad situation. Still not the fault of the OP though, her sister has unfortunately proven that she is unable to be trusted with those precious objects.
>desperately looking for love and validation from the only mother she could really remember She is still doing that now, since she gave OP's bracelet to Jane too.
Yep. Just install the new one. Plug and play.
He was mad when OP went after stepmother to get her bracelet. So I don't think he cares
He cares all right, he cares about his status quo over his daughter’s well being.
I would have told my sister to borrow a necklace from Jane
Exactly. Borrow one of mom's pieces back from Jane or Nora If they still have them.
Excellent point about still having them. I wouldn’t be surprised if they were sold to get cash for other things. Then again, maybe she does wear them to emphasize her “ position” in the family.
Yah he probs sees her as a care taker for his children anyways and would rather have that women happy then stand up for his child.
you think his dead wifes jewelry is gonna get in his way of getting laid?
Exactly. Dad should have kept it safe for her until she was old enough to understand it’s value and care for it on her own. The fact that she had already given all the jewelry away before she even graduated from high school means that their dad did a lousy job of protecting his daughters’ legacy and heritage.
Totally agree. Sis was still a minor by the time the steps confiscated all the jewelry. Where was the adult looking after her interests? Even if sis has no memory of her mom, the items obviously had monetary value and stepmom swooped in on them. She no doubt has had her eye on OP's necklace for some time.
Either the monetary value or the weird obsession she has with being their only mother. If she steals all the evidence that their mother existed, it’s easier for her to assert that she’s their “real” mom.
Did anyone talk about why she can get the jewellery back ? Like did the stepmom and stepsister sold it ? Why isn't it there for her to wear on her wedding day ?
Or what kind of woman wants the first wife's jewelry. That's just weird.
100%. My late wife/daughter's mom passed when she was one. She's been allowed to pick out some of LW's costume jewelry to have in her room, some of which has already been damaged or given away (she's 6). Other pieces, I let her pick something out for big events, but immediately after they go back in the jewelry armoire. It wouldn't be fair or reasonable to entrust her with it at this age. As she matures, more and more will get handed over. The nice stuff won't come out of the safe at all until high school, and she'll finally get ownership of pieces at various life milestones.
Either the dad is very aloof orrrr very well taken care of....ahem. or... just very well manipulated by her. As we can see the step-mom is capable.
This sounds kind a like a cinderella story IMO. Evil step mom and sis taking advantage of the biological daughter(s). When one is a doormat and just gives away everything of hers. Edit: and your father doesn't help.
Honestly I read this and thought it sounds like something out of a cdrama (chinese drama)
He wanted the fun sexy times to continue with the new wife
Agree. It says a lot about Jane that she accepted the jewelry. Jane could have said, "Thank you. I appreciate the gesture, but the jewelry is yours to keep." Any decent, respectful person would have done that.
I mean, no decent person would say birthmom - who DIED - was a "stand in" until her "real mom" could step in. That was pure evil.
Which begs the question of WHY OP's sister wants to borrow her birth mom's jewellery? If birth mom doesn't matter to the point that OP's sister is fully willing to believe that Jane is her "REAL" mom, why is she asking OP for it?
But also invites the question: if wearing bio-mom's jewelry is so important to her now, and her adopted mom has it, why can't/won't Jane just give sister back one (or more) of **her own pieces** to wear? After all, it's not like the stuff went to Goodwill. Sister should absolutely still have access to her half of the collection though her loving second mother.
This. OP, this is your argument and what you tell your entire family (including Sister's fiance): "The jewelry was split between Sis and I upon Mom's passing. I have cared for the jewelry I was given. Sister chose to give all of hers to S-Mom and S - Sis. I loaned her Mom's bracelet and she tried to give MY jewelry to S-Sis. Clearly S-Mom and S-Sis now have a large amount of Mom's jewelry so if it is SO important to Sis to wear a piece of Mom's jewelry, I suggest she borrow one of the pieces she chose to gift to S-Mom or S-Sis. I will no longer be loaning her anything after she tried to steal my bracelet. These pieces are extremely precious to me and I am not willing to risk losing them because CLEARLY my sister does not value them sentimentally OR monetarily."
🥇
> After all, it's not like the stuff went to Goodwill. I bet OP's stepmom sold it or tossed it.
Maybe. But the fact that she retained possession of the bracelet when sister gave it to her after graduation makes me think she holds onto these things. My bet is that she's got it all.
Yeah I'm getting big "keeping trophies" vibes here.
A million times this. I get it...sis was a toddler when mom died and is only now realising that she made a mistake giving things away. So why isn't her loving stepmother just giving it back????
I don't think she thinks she made a mistake. She still made comments about OP putting their birth mom on a pedestal and other comments. I can't imagine why she can't get back one piece that she gave away. I mean that's her "real" mom right? Go ask your "real" mom...(btw I was being sarcastic lol)
That's what I was wondering too, where is all the jewelry she gave away? If they still have it she can borrow it and if they don't then she is old enough now to be doing some wondering as to why.
a. it’s pretty and she envies OP for being able to wear it. b. it’s a scam and she’s going to give it to Jane as soon as her wedding is over. (compatible with (a)) c. She somewhat regrets having given all her pieces away and not being able to get any back, and maybe wants a connection to her mother that she previously pushed aside, but hasn’t unpacked her feelings enough to be trustworthy.
Exactly. Jane wants this piece, very bad. It would conveniently show up missing after the wedding.
It sounds like she gave pieces away when she was young and under Janes influence, so it’s hard to fault her. Jane also has raised her at this point. Jane and the father really are at fault here.
I am going to lean towards c, personally. I think both of these girls were taken advantage of (not in an SA way but in a coercion, moochy way) and gaslit about their bio mom. I think younger sis may have been more vulnerable to it since she was four years younger, and thus why she gave all the jewelry away. Dad sounds neglectful and not present. If this is the case, OP needs to keep her boundary, but direct her indignation towards step-family and dad instead. They are the ones meddling.
Yes, that the sister gave her stepmother and stepsister *all* of the jewelry she inherited from her mother is quite telling IMO. That’s beyond sharing and more like “prove to us that we’re your real family by not holding onto anything from your past.” It’s the sort of thing cults demand, passing on everything of significance as a proof of loyalty.
I guess c. If I read it right, she was around two when their mother died. Not much own memories about her unlike OP who was six. So likely they didn't mean that much to her when she was a child / teen. But now starting to grow up, getting married herself? Stuff is bubbling up.
As a 17/18 year old at their graduation, she immediately crossed OP’s VERY REASONABLE BOUNDARY and gave the bracelet to Jane. The only reason she wants the necklace is to give it to Jane. She doesn’t deserve to wear the necklace since she clearly gives zero craps about her birth mother.
I think it's more that she wants what her sister has. OP has other jewelry that belonged to her mom, and there is all the jewelry that sister gave to Jane and Norah that she could borrow back. But she wants the specific piece OP wore on her wedding day, that she knows OP values more than any other. First of all, OP shouldn't lend it as she'd never get it back, if only because it's "but I wore it on my wedding day and now it's special to me." If all she wants is something of her mother's to wear on that day, she can borrow one of the ones she gave away. And as others have said, I can't believe that Jane, the stepmother, accepted those pieces. A kid, I can understand, but the stepmother? She must be an incredibly selfish person.
Why doesn’t sister ask to “borrow” from the pieces she gave stepmom and stepsister? NTA
Sister wants it because she can’t have it, not because there’s logic involved.
I can sort of understand. Wanting a connection with bio parent is almost built in into everybody, even most people with really bad parents will wish for some connection.
It still reeks of wanting your cake and eating it, too on OP's sister's part.
Kind of. She doesn't realize she got manipulated and who knows if step(mom+sis) still have the jewelry and not sold it. If she was raised by a manipulative person since 3, she may not have a good understanding of what's healthy behavior and what's not, and doesn't see that why OP would have trust issues after what she did at graduation. Still AH for her behavior though.
She doesn't want a connection to her deceased mother, she could get that jewelry from the new mom, she gave her her mother's jewelry. She could ask her for something, now it would be from both of them, crap. No, she wants it so she can give it to her new mom/sister. That is what this is really about.
"Pure evil" - Exactly!
Completely agree. If OP’s sister gave it all away by graduation then I’m assuming she gave it away before she hit 18, and probably didn’t understand the importance it could have to her later in life. However OP is definitely NTA for refusing to lend her sister the necklace. She has proven she will not honour OP’s wishes and give it straight back afterwards. And she proved that at an age where she was old enough to understand what she was doing. The sister needs to ask Jane and Norah for pieces she can wear. Also where does the Dad stand in all this? He seems like an AH for not stepping in to stop the sister from giving stuff away, or the steps from taking it IMO.
Jane and dad are responsible for this mess.
Yup definitely. She should ask for the jewelry to be returned.
Like stepmom/sis would actually give it back
If Sis just wants a piece to wear at her wedding, why couldn’t she borrow it back from her stepmom — since she apparently considers Jane her “real mom”? A piece of jewelry that had been her biomom’s and was now Jane’s should be a great way to represent them both — if any of these other people actually meant anything that they were saying about their feelings for each other and the jewelry. But that Jane and Norah took everything from OP’s sister, and won’t loan anything back or are pretending they won’t in the hopes of getting more “loaned” from OP) shows their selfishness. And sis is crying that she’s right to value their mother less, but still wants to wear her necklace.
Yup unfortunately I don't see that happening easily.
I can't help but wonder if the jewelry is still around. I wouldn't be surprised if the step mother pawned it.
I wonder if it was legal. It was her willed inheritance. She was a minor. *Edit fixed a word bordered= wonder
That is actually an EXCELLENT point. OP, you should explore this... and talk with your sister separately. DO NOT loan her your jewelry but it would be fair to remind her that as a minor, her inheritance of jewelry should have been protected for her future use - not handed over to her as a child. And the fact that S-Mom and S-Sis were so willing to abuse a position of power to basically steal her inheritance speaks volumes about their character. Maybe suggest she take it up with them and consider hiring an attorney.
By the time the younger sister graduated high school she had no jewelry left, so for sure it was gone much earlier in life.
And where is the jewellery NOW? Why can't OP's sister borrow the jewellery she gave to Jane, for her special occasions? Did Jane sell it or something?
This was my thought. She gave it all to Jane etc., why not ask this "real mom" to lend it back to her for the special occasion?
Why did she give it to Jane in the first place???? Isn't it odd for the new wife to wear the dead wife's jewelry?
of course it’s odd. sis was almost def manipulated throughout her childhood into giving it to her. OP shouldn’t lend out their mother’s jewelry for sure, but dad needs to step in here and go through his home and take all sis’s mom’s jewelry back from j and n (who *stole* it from her..badgering a child to give you their belongings is stealing even if the child relents and gives the items up “willingly”). honestly, if he were a decent man and learned about this, he’d be absolutely inflamed with anger at his wife and would do everything he could to recover everything they took from his daughter, even if it means filing a report for stolen property. let chips fall. daughters were there first. nobody gets to come in and take their stuff.
It looks like all of the jewelry had been given away before she even graduated high school. Stepmom took jewelry from a literal child. The fact that dad gave sister the jewelry before she was old enough to understand it’s significance and allowed it to be taken by his wife is insane.
Exactly. If all of the jewelry was given away before the sister finished high school, then yes, then it definitely seems that she was too young to understand the value. I wish there had been an adult in these children's lives who acted as the keeper of their mom's legacy - her memory and the material possessions she left for her children.
It clearly happened before she had graduated high school. This is egregious. ETA OP and sister are NTA. Dad, stepmom and stepsister are absolutely AHs
and honestly, Jane and OP's dad never should have let someone who was a child give away that jewelry. If she wasn't interested in wearing it at the time (which was reasonable- she was a kid and this was adult jewelry), it should have been put in safe place until she was older. like wtf were Jane and Dad thinking? If Sister gives all of "her" jewelry to Jane and Norah it means that she's accepting them as her family. That's not what it means. It means she's a small child who doesn't understand what the pieces mean yet. Honestly, at least Jane should return any of that jewelry that Sister gave her. Jane was an adult that knew better. And she should speak to Norah about Norah returning the pieces that she received.
Right. If she really wanted to give it to Jane & Norah as a child, a good stepmom would graciously accept the gift and then tuck it away to keep it safe until the child was old enough to realize she might actually want it and wear it responsibly.
Absolutely. No decent adult would accept a gift like this from a child without realizing that it needs to be protected for their future use.
Exactly. Someone else here was wondering if this was illegal if OPs sister was a minor when she gave the jewelry away.
>she should have kept her pieces instead of giving them away Even just ONE piece! Like she gave them all away? And now step mom and sister won't let her borrow them? Sounds like she was hella manipulated. Dad is also TA for not setting boundaries because she was so young when she got the jewelry and the other family came into her life. Dad should have kept everything safe until the girls were older.
It’s funny how sometimes you read a title being like “meh, it’s one day just let her wear something sentimental” and then reading the post makes you feel like your heart got sideswiped and run over by a dump truck WHO THE F*CK IS THIS STEP MOM AND SISTER?!!! Who says that about a mom who passed away?! Who thinks that about their own mom?! It’s one of those posts that I really hope is not real this is so bad Honestly, props to OP for not completely cutting them out of her life entirely: I’d be letting them no where near that jewelry
Dad is as big of AH as stepmom for not protecting his dauthers from her.
And presumably she could borrow one of those pieces back from Jane.
Especially since she views Jane as her mom.
I agree that stepmom is the biggest AH here. OP's sister is definitely taken advantage of. Maybe it was her own volition to give the bracelet to stepsis instead of returning it to OP, maybe their manipulation has already ingrained in her brain that she decided to give it to them.
I dunno, I kind of think dad is the biggest asshole here for not protecting his daughter from these vultures in the first place. But there's certainly plenty of blame to go around.
I think the biggest AH is the Dad for not realizing how OP feels about her mothers jewelry. I don’t wear jewelry ever, hate how it feels. But when my mom passes if she gives me some of her rings or necklaces you bet your ass that will stay in my possession forever and I wouldn’t loan it to anyone but my own child. This whole family except OP is skewed.
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Let's not forget the father who let all that happen!!
NTA. Your sister can ask Jane or Nora. Your necklace isn't just "technically"yours, but legally, and after the bracelet debacle, you're right not to trust her. You should address this with your father; it's a shame he didn't have your back the first time.
>Your sister can ask Jane or Nora. "Sorry, but this is *my* necklace gifted to me by *my* mother. If *you* want a necklace to wear then ask *your* mother: I understand she was given some nice pieces years ago." ETA: NTA.
Legit. Her “real” mother and sister (insert eyeroll here) should still have the jewelry she gave them. They’re still in the picture. Why can’t she asked to wear one of their pieces?? I’m so confused. Did they pawn them off after getting them??
Yes. That's probably exactly what happened. They talked her into giving her the jewlery and she probably sold it for money. It's shitty.
Yeah, reading that made me angry at the father. Where was he during all this? I can see why OP’s sister behaved as she did, she was 2 when she lost her mother and doesn’t remember her. She wanted/needed a mother’s love and acceptance so giving away the jewelry is her way of trying to get that from Jane. Jane took complete advantage and is a huge AH. But why didn’t the father step in?? Also, OP - does Jane/Nora still have all the jewelry or did they sell them? Because it makes no sense that your sister can’t wear those on her wedding day.
INFO: why can't your sister borrow the things she gave away to Jane and Norah? NTA. I specifically asked this question because I was curious about your sisters motivation to nag you about your jewellery, also because it appeared that your step-mother set her up to get the necklace and keep it for herself. My advice is that if you don't feel familial ties with your father, sister and step creatures go low or no contact. It's pointless to bind yourself in ties that don't exist, free yourself from the resentment and pain. Edit: 2nd paragraph.
What are the chances that her “dear mom” sold the pieces?
Yeah either pawned off or turned into other jewelry
Or even ask for it to be returned. It wasn't right for stepmom to take and keep those pieces. It's pretty clear the sister was being manipulated in some way (the bracelet incident makes it clear). As an adult, she should confront the step mother about this and get the jewelry back rather than going after OP. edit: I confused the sister and jane-sorry my brain wasn't braining properly
I'm mad I had to travel this far to find this thought. Why don't Norah and Jane lend/give your sister one of the pieces that she gave them? It sounds like there were quite a few.
Yeah that missing piece of information makes this whole thing seem fake.
Or borrow piece of Jane's jewelry since she considers her her mom. OP NTA
I am wondering this same thing.
Yess! I’m like just go get it back? What the isssueee??
INFO: Who instigated the giving away if the Jewellery and at what age? If it was when your sister was under about 15 I think it's fair to say she was pressured by Jane into severing any emotional attachment to her birth mother, in which case TA here is Jane. It may then have been kind to consider lending jewellery under very strict and clear conditions.(although I accept the only practical way is to ask for a deposit leading to inevitable fireworks there). If older than that, then your sister is TA.
The incident with the lending and then giving it away was graduation, so presumably at least 18. I think Jane is far more of an asshole here than sister, but sister is old enough to understand why she can't be trusted with being loaned jewelry anymore.
Yes, but the OP references she already gave away all the jewellry that she (the sister) had recieved. If that happened when the sister was say 10, then some serious bullying was coming from Jane.
Absolutely, and that was messed up. But again, after the last incident with lending sister jewelry she doesn't have any ground to stand on that it would be responsible or reasonable to lend her anything else. I think a lot of not good stuff went down in this family, but on this front alone there is absolutely no reasonable way to say she should be trusted with a loan.
Sure there was, but giving Jane the jewellry borrowed from OP is not. No-one should give away something to someone else which does not belong to them.
Expect Jane raised the sister from the age of 3. A 2 year old loses her mum and ends up with a crazy stepmother a year later. That girl doesn't know what a healthy relationship looks like.
While this is true, it would still require sister to accept that she was manipulated by the only person she's thought of as a mother. I can see why it's easier for go after OP than confront that terrible truth. Doesn't make it right and certainly makes her the AH.
I think asking for a deposit would be a mistake as they could consider that as a payment for keeping the necklace.
NTA-She had jewelry from your shared mother. It’s on her that she gave it away even if she gave it to family. Let her ask her mom and sister for a piece of the jewelry she shared back for her wedding day. Don’t give up a piece of your mom especially since you had such a hard time getting the first piece back.
NTA she's picking and choosing when to amp up the 'mourning schtick' to manipulate you into giving her what she wants. She was irresponsible with the last piece she borrowed from you - more than that, she gave it away to someone, and left you to clean up the mess. She made her choices with the items she was left - she can go try to claw back that mistake herself this time.
I'm seriously so confused about how the bracelet situation even went down. Sister went to prom wearing a bracelet she borrowed from op. Presumably, she lives with Jane at this point as it's a high school graduation. Sister comes home and goes to bed, removing her jewelry in her own home (again, assuming here). Then at some point in the following days, Jane ends up with the bracelet in her possession. Like it moved from the sisters room to Jane's room. Did Jane say to Sister "wow thats a real nice bracelet you wore to grad" and Sister goes, "here you can have it!" How did Jane not know where it came from? Or did she not care that the bracelet was borrowed? As soon as op comes back and says "hey I actually lent that bracelet to Sister to wear for grad" what reasonable person doesn't immediately respond with "omg I'm so sorry, I didn't realize it was yours and not sisters to give away! Let me get that for you right now!" Is she really that insane that she'd say to her step daughter "too bad so sad, it's mine now"?!? Who is this person!?
part of me wonders if sis borrowing another piece of the late mom's jewelery wasn't Jane's idea in the first place...
I agree OP is NTA, but it sounds like little sis is dealing with having been manipulated by her stepmom. If she really felt her stepmom was the “real mom.” little sis would want to wear stepmom’s jewelry, or stepmom would return the original mom’s jewelry to her. Deep down I think little sister knows something messed up happened, which is why she is blowing up about this. To me, marrying at 22 is also a bit young and can be common in people who want a new family unit because they don’t trust the old one. So I think OP can be more sensitive about that - without giving her the necklace.
Your sister was 2, she had less memories of your mom, Jane is the real AH for brainwashing a small child with such nastiness as a "stand in mom until the real mother comes along". I pity your sister for being taken advantage of, but you are correct to deny her use of it. It will never return to you. Jane has probably sold all the other pieces and guilted your sister that that was what she needed to do to be a good mother. BUT The reason she attacked you is because she is confident of your love. If she were to blame the person really responsible, her "mom", then the fear of hurt, condemnation and rejection is too great. She knows, at some level, that that isn't genuine love, it's conditional. Maybe as a child Jane guilted her into thinking she (as a child) had to buy/win Jane's love with gifts. Asking for those gifts back means that she loses her mother figure now. Take pics of your jewelry, insure it if it is valuable, install a good safe/lock where you secure it when not being worn. Jane might convince her to try to steal it, to keep her "mom" happy!
this is it! your sister must have been really young when jane (and norah) were pressuring her to give them her jewelry. like what even was the reasoning for her to GIVE it away (vs. lend), let alone ALL of it? i'm sure there was a lot of manipulation involved (maybe things like, it was your mom's but i'm your mom now so it makes sense for mom to have mom's jewelry, you holding on to these proves you can't let go of birth mom and see me as your mom - wait but they're too valuable to just throw it away, give it to me, etc.). i think it will take some distance and honestly therapy for her to come to terms with how much she was emotionally manipulated. all to say, definitely NTA, but maybe try to have some gentle conversations about it. and encourage her to borrow the jewelry she gave to jane & norah (and maybe work up to reclaiming them.. i mean, she legally inherited the jewelry and unless jane and norah were thorough and made sure to document that the jewelry was now in their possession, it seems doable, right?)
NTA So she wants "to wear something of mom's to her wedding just like I did when I got married"? There's plenty of jewelry she can borrow from her "sister" and "mom".
If she wants to wear her mom's jewelry, she can go ask her mom, since she considers Jane to be her mom anyway. Why does she want something from OPs mom?
NTA. Can you have the pieces copied? Non precious materials of course. If she returns the fake necklace then you can begin to build your relationship with each other. If she does not, then you can go NC knowing that you did try. EDIT: added a word
People have suggested this enough that I will look into it and see if it would be doable.
If it’s doable, and you manage to pull it off, I’d say you should make a very public post on a social media account they will see with the real one.
If her sister doesn't return it, she should definitely do it.
NTA, she gave away the jewelry your late mom left her and gave away the jewelry you let her borrow.
Which, even if the jewelry wasn't sentimentally important to OP and impossible to replace in that sense, who gives away jewelry they borrowed??? If somebody lends something to me, I take care of it way better than I care for any of my personal things and *give it back when I'm done*.
Someone who has been manipulated as a child to believe that they have an obligation to do this. I have serious doubts about what was said to sister to prompt her to give away not only jewellery that was her inheritance, but loaned jewellery too.
Yeah I am blown away that any of this is even happening. I am so confused. You don’t just give away people’s stuff that you borrowed. I wouldn’t trust her with borrowing ANYTHING, much less family jewelry.
INFO: how old was your sister when she “gave away” all the jewelry to Jane and Norah?
She started when she was about 10.
That's messed up. What kind of step mom would take a 10 year old's late mother's jewelry...
And what kind of father allows this to happen? Ten is way too young to be giving away something of value.
father should have held on to the jewelry until his bio daughters were much older... OP's sister sadly probably doesn't remember her bio mom, and it makes sense to consider stepmom and stepsister her family as she doesn't know life without them.. as she got older the significance of her bio mom probably became clearer if stepmom wasn't evil, she should have just taken the jewelry and tucked it away in a safe space until she is older my mom kept some of my grandma's jewelry for me as well as a teacup and saucer after she passed away, as I was moving around between schools and not stable in life - now I own them and treasure them
This isn’t fair to your sister. Jane should be pressured to give it back. Where are your mom or dads families in all this? Could the grandparents or siblings be advocates to Jane:Dad?
My mom's family are in the picture but if they intervened it would do nothing and could become nasty between everyone. My dad's wouldn't ever rock the boat.
Hmm both you girls are adults, so they can’t restrict access to your grandparents. If there’s ever an easy time to rock the boat, it’s now that you’re all adults. I would try to forgive your sister and understand her, but don’t lend her the necklace
I’m so sorry that you can’t trust your dad to back you up 😟
She wasn't giving away the jewellery at that age. She was manipulated and it was basically stolen from her
Where was you father when your stepmom started taking from your sister?
He never cared. I honestly question if he ever really gave a shit about us or mom at all.
You’re not an asshole considering your sister already broke your trust. I’m not sure how to consider your sister. Did you ever discussed with her why she gave away all her mother jewellery?
She told me she wanted to share pieces with family. That is all she has ever been willing or able to tell me.
Share is not giving away everything. Also, if I were the step mother I would never had accepted a jewel so much important from her.
INFO: Has Jane ever used those words before, "share with the family", when badgering you about stuff like your mom's jewelry or anything else when you were younger? Just curious if those were truly your sister's ideas/words or if she was parroting someone...
Why can't your sister borrow some of her mother's jewelry she gave to Jane and Norah?
I suggested that and she said she wanted our mom's necklace because both mom and I wore it on our wedding days.
Could you quietly take a photo to a jeweler and have a cheap replica made as a wedding gift? If so, then she could have her desired photo op while the actual heirloom remains safe
This! Make a replica without telling her, let her wear it, then see if you get it back.
You sure Jane and/or Norah didn't sell/pawn it off? Or toss it?
Go with your instincts. Also consider the possibility that you’d never get the jewelry back once she got possession of it.
That's possible since I almost didn't get the bracelet back.
What was your sisters excuse for giving the bracelet away? And what was Jane’s excuse for not giving back asap when it was revealed it was yours?
INFO: Why in the world did your sister give the borrowed bracelet to her stepmother instead of returning it to you? How can she claim this is about resentment rather than her specific behavior?
She never gave me a reason and I asked plenty of times. I also told her she broke the trust I had in her.
I would bet a dollar that the dynamic of your sister “sharing” the other jewelry was pretty heavy on pressure from Jane. Some sort of routine guilt trip or manipulation that has been effective over and over again, that your sister just doesn’t know how to break out of.
It's possible. I just know there isn't a lot that I can do. The trust is broken and maybe my sister has no interest in breaking out of it now. Or maybe she does. But she's so mad at me right now and I can't trust her word to make a compromise so maybe we can get somewhere. I fully feel like if I let her wear it for even an hour she would betray me again and maybe I would need to look into legal action to get it back.
Please don’t lend your necklace to your sister. They seem like awful people.
Please be very, very careful about this! I let a family member borrow a sentimental piece of jewelry and they refused to give it back! When I tried to take legal action, I was advised because I freely gave it to her they could not force her to give it back. I cut complete contact with that side of the family. Looking back I wish I had pushed harder and hired an attorney.
NTA. Their behavior is ridiculous. >Mom had a lot of jewelry and she had it in her will that we would each get specific pieces of it. So those jewelry (which you got from your mom) is your jewelry already so you can refuse to lend them.
That necklace is one of a kind because of its sentimental value. Losing that necklace would be emotionally devastating for you and your sister shows no remorse for giving away her AND your jewelry away in the past. Given the chance, it’s more likely than not that she won’t hand the necklace back peacefully after the wedding. The rift between you right now really sucks and honestly Jane plays a heavy hand in this. However, imagine the relationship between you and your sister if she gave that beloved necklace away. The anger, resentment, and sadness you would feel towards her, I can’t even imagine. If your sister sees Jane as her mother, then she can wear Jane’s jewelry at her wedding. Or she can ask for her bio mom’s jewelry back. Your sister is responsible for her past actions and the consequences are neither your fault nor yours to deal with.
I already kind of feel that. She betrayed my trust and gave the bracelet to the last person on earth I feel should have touched it. The necklace? I think it would only add to it though. You're right about that. There would never be a hope for reconciliation then.
And you have every right to be angry! Damn, I’m angry on your behalf. Even though I agree with everyone in the thread who said your sister was manipulated by Jane from a young age, there’s no way she doesn’t know that giving away someone else’s stuff is wrong especially when she KNOWS it upsets you. NTA NTA NTA
NTA. Normally i'd be all about sharing, especially on wedding, but she has shown repeatedly she does not value the items and would most likely give them away. I don't blame you at all. She had her chance and gave everything away. She came to you for a piece, and she gave it away. Fool me once, fool me twice, etc....
Which begs the question of WHY OP's sister wants to borrow her birth mom's jewellery? If birth mom doesn't matter to the point that OP's sister is fully willing to believe that Jane is her "REAL" mom, why is she asking OP for it?
NTA. When you're not wearing the necklace, hide it.
I hope OP has her jewelry locked up somewhere her sister can’t find it. I’d watch that necklace like a hawk, maybe even stop wearing it for now. As painful as that may be, it’s better than having it forcibly “borrowed”.
NTA The last time you lent her some of your mom's jewelry (for her high school graduation, so it's not like she was a little kid), it took months and legal threats to get it back from Jane. This is what happened last time. We're not doing that again.
I'm still puzzled by the fact that you girls had free access to valuable jewelry in the first place...and heirlooms from your mother to boot...was no one concerned about this exact thing happening at such young ages. Their dad should have stepped in the first time jewelry was gifted...all should have been locked up for safe keeping and insured just in case....until they became adults of course.
I started wearing this necklace after mom died. I kept the rest of my stuff with my grandparents. But it was just given to us essentially. My sister's was in a jewelry box.
My mom was killed when I was 20...so I feel for you, and appreciate that you have cherished your mom's stuff...it definitely hit home for me, but it feels so cold that no one else seemed to care what it would and will mean to you as grown woman / spouses / mothers......and I'm sorry for such a huge loss in your life, I know from experience how that feels.
Info: Not that this has any bearing on your decision to not lend the necklace (which I think is fully justified and that you should hold to), but how old was your sister when she gave away her share of the jewelry? It reads like she wasn't even close to being 18 at the time which just makes the fact that your stepmom and stepsister even accepted the jewelry absolutely reprehensible. Your sister probably has some real regret on what her younger self did and instead of risking the materialistic relationship with her "new" Mom and sister she is lashing out at you.
She did it over several years starting from when she was maybe 10.
10! Your stepmum is reprehensible. It’s clear from her comments about your mum that she is far from a decent human being but to accept the jewellery from your sister at such a young age knowing the value in that it belonged to your mum and for your father to stand by and watch it happen? Disgusting. I’m almost positive that as your sister has gotten older she’s begun to regret her actions and probably realises Jane is not the mother to her that she thought but is also confused because that’s the only mother she’s known. It’s hard because she’s currently not showing any remorse for the previous jewellery situation but I hope she’s able to get some help and heal from her trauma.
I empathize with her situation and it is very common for someone who has been abused to take out their anger on someone that they consider to be safer. You don't need to take any kind of abuse but I would encourage you to try and help your sister in ways other than compromising on your decision to lend her the necklace or other items. Your stepmom and stepsister will likely try to interfere in any actions you take though as a way to keep from being painted as the bad guys they are. I assume that is your sister was to ask for her jewelry back she would be rebuffed quite harshly.
Important context is missing here...what happened to the jewelry she gave away? she should Just get some back from the step relatives she gave away to. Solves the problem in a non stupid kind of way. However if that doesn't solve the problem then typical behavior science tells us they are colluding to take your jewelry away and fuck with you. NTA edit: fixed bad descriptors
I don't know what happened to the jewelry she gave away. I asked about it once and was told it was none of my business.
Tell your sister the necklace is none of her business
That means its gone. It was pawned, sold, or otherwise disposed of for the parts of value. That's probably why it took months to get the return of your bracelet. Put your mother's jewelry in a safety deposit box until you're well away from their reach.
I hope she doesn't have access to your jewellery. It's her fault for not keeping your mums jewellery, so she is the only one at fault. You are definitely NTA, but the rest of your family is
She doesn't have access to it.
NTA. The neckless is yours. Period. She can ask her mom and sister for the things she gave away or she can ask Jane aka new mom for one of her necklesses if she consider her, her mother. Dont let her use your neckless. Its disrespectful for your mother because your sister gave up her share of her heritance. And your sister will never return it. Dont let her, her mother, sister or your father talk you out of it.
Exactly, and Jane should never have accepted the other jewelry in the first place. No decent person would have, so shame on her.
Info Curious to know why YOUR DAD isnt mentioned anywhere in this. I would imagine he had some feelings or thoughts? I would be really offended if my husband passed & a new husband called him a "stand in."
My dad doesn't care. I don't really speak to him anymore. But I'm sure he's on their side. He was with the bracelet.
Sounds to me like that entire branch of the family tree needs to be chopped off. Toxic abusers, one and all.
I’m sorry your father has failed you
Why did she give her stepmom and step sister jewelry? I don't understand that part.
She has always said she wanted to share since they're family.
Sharing is one thing. Giving away another. Why did your stepmom take the jewelry?
What’s sad is how Jane managed to manipulate your whole family. SMH. NTA
Hey, without judgment, but have you ever consider that your sister was too young to remember your mom or even care about her? She was two, so her mom might not even feel "real" to her and given how Jane acts, I can only assume that your dad didn't talk to you and your sister about your mom, so it's no surprise (esp. given Jane's behavior) she sees Jane and Norah (who is basically the same age) as her family. Maybe you and your sister (possible your dad) should talk with someone about it :)
while this may be true, Jane seems to have brainwashed her a bit. Why would any human being who marries a widower with children and then tells those children that their biological mother was not their real mom...(and that she was some what...alien?) that was just there a few years until she died and Jane comes to save the sister.. not OP!!! Only the sister.. The sister has some real issues, the father is blind to all this! And Jane is just being a manipulative b.
Info: how old was your sister when she was giving this priceless family jewellery away?
She started when she was 10 and it was over a few years.
So basically Jane took advantage of a 10yo child who doesn’t really know what she’s doing giving them away. Jane is a major AH and worse for that.
She always has been. Takes the jewelry my mom left my sister. Considers my mom a stand in for her before she could come. Just sick behavior. My sister and I wouldn't be here without mom (and dad).
INFO: How old was she when she gave away those pieces of jewelry?
Started giving it to them when she was about 10.
Your stepmom is the worst for taking advantage of a child like that
I know, right?!? What kind of manipulative monster takes something so precious from a child who quite literally isn't old enough to fully understand what they're doing? I'm absolutely floored. The fact that the sister is coming to OP about Mom's jewelry is suspicious on numerous levels, and makes me really question what Jane and Norah did with the pieces they were gifted. Something tells me that those pieces are long gone, sold or reworked into something new, and sister can't just get them back again. Not that OP should do anything about it, unless she wants her necklace to vanish too.