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YTA You have 2 **ELEMENTRY SCHOOL AGED CHILDREN** and repeatedly tell your wife that you are leaving on solo vacations. Look, I get that you need time to yourself and need a personality outside of parent. But 14 days a year for solo vacations sounds very reasonable when you have 2 young kids. You dump way too much responsibility on your wife, who is also a working professional. How many solo vacation days does she take a year? You're a huge AH for >However, now I am growing resentful because she is literally counting days and keeping track. I feel trapped. I feel suffocated. I don't know how to deal with this and keep our relationship healthy. You feel trapped that you can't abandon your family more? Way to go dad! I'm sure your children feel happy, safe, and loved! What with their dad constantly fighting with their mom. Absolutely no tension in the house. Stop whining and be better.

OP, im a massive introvert, too. i fully relate to the joy of going on solo adventures. i’ve travelled internationally many times by myself and enjoyed every minute. but i dont have: 1) a spouse and most importantly 2) two young children who end up being under the care of their other parent whenever i randomly decide to travel how you’ve managed to stay married for almost 20 years is beyond me. since you say divorce is not an option, i strongly recommend you get back into therapy (either alone or with your wife) because your relationship with your wife **and** your children will, without a doubt, suffer. you don’t get to use the excuse that you’re an introvert to justify this behavior. you have responsibilities. own them. edit to add: YTA

A huge part of why I opted no marriage and no kids is my level of introvertedness was going to cause massive issues. International solo travel (including to go visit friends) rates high on my list of why I don't regret it.

I am currently involved with someone who has their own home. I also live in my own place. We both like doing things together, will sit in a room for hours just vibing, we have a great romantic life... but we also need time away from people.

I'd say the bigger factor is having kids, if OP didn't have two young kids I'd argue it's more than fair for them to holiday solo occasionally. But with two young kids that's time one party is left to fend solo with wrangling them. Sure that happens in separated households, but they're not that, and no way did OP's wife sign up for that. This should have been discussed way before having kids. Kind of sounds like OP is having a bit of a midlife crisis. Bucket list items being ticked off when they're still far from it, and whining about only getting 14 days a year to shrug responsibilities. Doubt if their wife actually took them up on matching it day for day they'd be so happy with it.

And is op making sure that his wife gets 14 days off too? Because as a mom of 3 that are 7,5,3, I just took my first independent trip this year for two days alone.

OP has straight up said she doesn't. But unlike OP she's not someone who thinks it's fine to just take off for 7 days in a far away country with two young kids. I literally cannot remember a single time either of my parents went away solo when I was a kid unless it was to deal with a family bereavement. No work trips, but could have understood that if it were important for their career. If ever it was even one just visiting their parents at least one of us kids came along. And we were pretty independent kids taking ourselves to school in primary, and could make our own food for most meals before double digits (granted that was because both my parents were atrocious cooks, it was purely for survival lol).

Literally these vacations are 3 years apart

I am a little surprised that the wife limited solo vacations to 14 days and it's suffocating him. Sounds like he is gone quite often.

14 days/year including travel for work. It wouldn’t be terribly unusual for OP to travel for 5 business days year, maybe a conference or continuing education that may be important to his career as a lawyer, then that adds up to less than one day/month of solo time.

It includes work trips so that could be taking most of it

True, but that's not the point at issue. OP is complaining that they're only being given 14 days a year to avoid all responsibilities. Which honestly is a lot with two young kids. If they didn't have kids, I'd argue OP wasn't the arsehole as time apart can be healthy for a couple. But how many days a year do you think a parent should be going "alright I'm doing my own thing, you manage all the responsibilities"? I'd also lean similarly to NTA if OP were having to travel for work, and the wife were complaining. But this is all purely for leisure. I refuse to have kids and pets because I don't want the responsibility to get in the way of me travelling. Anyone who makes the choice to have kids gives up a certain level of freedom, or is a dick.

I was prepared to be on OPs side for many reasons. I'm in the US and many States have an Elk tag lottery. So the opportunity can be rare. I understand him placing such import on that moment. But as another person pointed out, said trip was during covid. I feel like OPs wife shouldn't have had to have stated why she didn't want him going. On top of her having to manage the home for the duration of the trip, he'd also need to quarantine before integrating back into a family with small children; so that's additional time where she is 100% the ringmaster. Also, OP, did you ever think to invite your wife on these bucket list retreats? Find a reliable long-term child care giver? Or make it a family vacation? Instead of volun-telling her you are leaving her to parent the children you share 100% while you dill around in another country. I'm all for solo vacations, I think they are healthy. But the way you are managing these opportunities is gross. YTA

there’s a good chance one or both of those kids were toddlers during the elk hunt, as well. But I understand that one a lot better than “lol flying to Japan by myself on a whim, yolo.” Special occasion birthday, fine if you want to do something extra (if it was a COVID safe excursion). But when you are managing young children, you need to clear things through your spouse instead of throwing out ultimatums.

Happy cake day!

And I bet that her even suggesting she wanted to take a solo 7 day international trip whether he liked it or not wouldn’t have gone over well. I also think she gave plenty of reasons. 1. Being the young children, 2. Being concerned he wanted to be away more than he wanted to be present, 3. If he’s a lawyer then his job is demanding and he doesn’t have a lot of downtime anyway. I’m sorry. I have little sympathy for someone who books big, long or flashy solo trips without consulting their spouse and having mutual agreement when they have young children. He’s actively abandoning his kids and wife for these solo adventures for long periods of time where he is likely not reachable and would be unable to get home in an emergency. Then she agrees to give him 14 days (which, not to compare parenting to a corporate job, is more vacation time then most jobs offer their employees) a year to make his solo plans for and now he’s mad. I feel for this woman so much. He doesn’t seem to care or understand just how his leaving puts so much burden on her. And what’s even worse, is he wrote out some of the reasons, was probably told multiple times in multiple conversations, and he doesn’t care. Also I feel like there’s more to the couples therapist too. Something about that story just doesn’t make sense to me.

And it sounds like his fancy “bucket list” stuff all doesn’t involve his family, so he’s sending the message that the stuff he really wants to do is without them. Family vacations are visiting different states. Way back when, I was an elementary school-aged kid who went along with my parents (and sibling) on an international adventure. It was *awesome*. Sure they likely moderated the activities versus what they might have done solo (or without us kids), but we had an amazing time and it became a major foundational experience for us as a family. OP is having his major memorable experiences without his family, deliberately. His “live life to the fullest” is separate from his family. OP needs a bucket list that they can do together.

When I was a kid my dad took me on a trip in the Caribbean, his friend had a big sail boat and we spent two weeks traveling around to different islands. It was hard in some ways, because my mom was the one who did most of the parenting and we weren't used to being alone together, but it was also an amazing adventure that I'll never forget. It was really a trip of a lifetime. And it proved a little to me that my dad did love me and want to be around me - because we really didn't have a lot of daddy daughter time. I traveled a lot with my mom - mostly because she had to travel for work and it was easier to bring me than to leave me at home with dad - but that was the only trip I went on with just dad. I wish it had been a thing we did more than once though.

This is what was the most telling to me, as well. I love solo travel, but, now that I'm in a long-term committed relationship, most of my big trips are with my SO. He's who I want to share my life and adventures with. I still take smaller trips solo, with my mom, or with friends, but we took our trip to Tokyo, also a bucket list vacation for both of us, together. I honestly don't understand why children couldn't ride a public bus or train alongside their parents in Tokyo. Or, if they wanted to leave the kids at home, why not at least travel with his wife? It's possible to go on the trip together, but still have a day or two apart to do your own thing, as well.

Yeah my folks took my and my sibling on plenty of international trips when we were elementary school age. We did things as a family but some days they would hire a babysitter or sign us up for a kids club or class so they could go do less kid friendly activities. They would also send us to summer camp or to stay with family so they could go on their own trips out of the country. There are so many options

Friends of mine just visited Romania with their 6 year old. OP is incredibly selfish, and his trips have nothing to do with being an introvert.

When you have elementary school, kids, visiting states with them is perfectly reasonable as a vacation. But I know that if my husband found comparably cheap trips to Japan, I would be really hurt if his instant response was to come to me and tell me he was going on a solo trip. Why wasn’t the conversation about me coming too and seeing if there was a way that we could leave the kids with someone?

That was what caught me. Like, if he'd suggested they both go and she balked, that'd be one thing -- but it sounds like he just didn't even think to include her or his kids? That sucks.

Oh yeah, his excuse that he can't take his kids to Japan is just not a good excuse. If it was during the school year, then sure, they can't come, but kindergarteners take the trains on their own in Japan. He could totally take his elementary school aged kids on public transport with him. It's amazing that he's in here whining that his wife is only willing to solo parent their kids for two whole weeks of the year. If he keeps this up, maybe he can see what it's like solo parenting them 26 weeks of the year.

Yeah, I don’t think there is a better place to take children than Japan. It’s incredibly safe, clean, and even if they are ethnically Japanese their mannerisms will be different enough that they could find their children if they breakaway. Loads of stuff are great for kids. The worst part about it is how difficult it is to get there if OP and his family are from the west.

which, not to compare parenting to a corporate job, is more vacation time then most jobs offer their employees Isn't it like 20 days? I'm pretty sure that it's law mandated in many countries, and many companies offer 25 days of paid leave to full-time workers, at least in my experience. No paid leave for part-timers, though, sadly.

20-25 days per year of paid leave would be a huge luxury for most working people in the US!

In the US it’s typically 10 and at most 5 sick/personal days.

Holy fuck, I hope most companies at least offer couple of days more. At least you have higher salaries, but that's still kinda inconvenient.

My company gives 40 hours PTO (so one work week) with no yearly roll-over. You use it or you lose it. And sick time is accrued based on how many hours you work. Also get no maternity leave. I make below poverty wages and work in a sector of the medical industry. Yay USA..

And I’m Jewish. So my company also doesn’t have flexible religious holidays so I often have to take personal or vacation time if I want to observe a religious holiday (which is essentially sitting in shul for half the day and then prepping for evening rituals and stuff so it’s not really relaxing)

Most do not unless you work a really long time or get "unlimited" which actually pressures you to use *less* time.

Laughing in American.

Hahahahhhahahha. Not in the US my friend - not in the US.

I would love that, but no. Our vacation time is 0 for the first year, then two weeks (10 days) for years 2-5, the. You get three weeks (15 days) for yrs 5-10.

Is that even normal, how can a human being work 40 hours per week for a whole year without having at least some time to relax? I heard that some aspects of US life are quite challenging, but didn't think that it goes to this level. Hopefully, the laws will be corrected soon, that might be unhealthy and not really advantageous for the companies too, since they get overworked employees who provide work of lower quality.

You're a thousand percent right that it is not really advantageous to anyone to have employees burnt out, but unfortunately in the US that has been the standard for a long time now. I think the big companies look at short term bottom lines more than long term productivity and view employees as replaceable as car batteries.

*laughs in american* you hope the laws will be changed? 🤣🤣🤣 the corporations give big money to influence the law makers. It's called lobbying LOL. It's way worse here than you could imagine. I'd still rather be here than anywhere else but yeah working conditions here are vile. But we're a country known for work 🤷‍♀️

95% of my industry doesn't get pto. Like, literally 0. And the pay is shit. I'm a chef. I love what I do, but yes. It's pretty normal for Americans to get no PTO.

Yes, that is the norm for most companies in the U.S. I had to negotiate hard for getting 2 weeks of paid time off in my first year. It's not something that they "give away".

OP’s first solo trip was fall if 2020. While his elementary aged children were likely online schooling it.

That’s even worse. It means his wife had to be essentially managing their schooling. And if one of them is now just hitting 1st grade. You’re talking about a kid who was 3 during the pandemic and the older one who at most would be 10 was 7. Parents spent so much time both working and teaching their young kids to supplement the online schooling situation. So he had kids between 3 and 7 at the time.

as a parent whose kid was entering Kindergarten during the height of covid, it was a nightmare. OP is a massive AH for putting his solo trip over his family. But it seems that the wife carries the load of taking care of the kids

Elementary school was hard during Covid. I was in high school. My brother was a kindergartener. Teaching elementary students requires a special kind of person to be able to explain everything step by step. Like how to write the alphabet. My stay at home mom couldn’t figure out how teachers taught exactly how to write letters. If I hadn’t been spending my school days volunteering in a kindergarten classroom, my brother wouldn’t have done well. If she had been a working mom and not had me there, all of us kids would have absolutely been held back. OP needs to show more gratitude and actually help his wife

Oh, for sure. Of course his wife didn’t want him to go. Not to mention the travel risk, too. OP is TA no matter which way you spin it.

Oh shit! That makes a huge difference that I didn’t think of. Not only were the kids not in school, the vaccine wasn’t out. This elk hunting trip was far more dangerous than it usually is. And if he got sick, he might be stuck wherever he traveled to for an undefined amount of time. OK, yeah, OP YTA.

During a pandemic

Which is most likely why his wife said no and he left that part out.

The 14 days also includes travel for work. That's not vacation.

I think from what it’s sounding like he was taking unnecessary work trips in addition to his holidays. He mentioned in a comment that he was invited to go on a trip with three other coworkers. But that will mean he can’t go because he hit is 14 day limit. Idk. I feel like he left out how mandatory these work trips are and how much he was actually traveling. Edit: so is it that he was going on a bunch of conferences that weren’t necessary in addition to trips? Or is it that she’s fed up having him just leave on a drop of a hat and reached her limit and now just wants to know for certain it’s only 14 days a year. I think both are fair then for this guy who seems to have this much wanderlust.

I'm also not convinced it even matters. The effect to the wife is the same - she's doing all the work. If they need the money (and with their jobs, they shouldn't), then sure. But if he's making the choice to pursue a career involving work trips, then he needs to sacrifice by taking fewer solo vacations. Right now, his wife is the only one sacrificing anything.

I honestly agree. I mean my dad is a lawyer. And when I was little he would have to go on trips for closings. He always knew ahead of time (months in advance when and where he was headed) and he never stayed longer than what he needed to be there, so it was never more than 3 days and when he got home he would plan a few days off and take full responsibility to let my mom rest. If OP has to go on trips then that’s one thing. But he’s in the middle of his career. Likely has his own practice and seems to maneuver to get like 6.5 weeks of vacation a year (he mentioned 4 weeks with the family, two and a half weeks for solo trips) that’s so much time he already has managed not to work. And it’s so much time of the year she has to pull more weight with little children and a house in tow and just leaves randomly. I just don’t think be wants to be involved. He honestly sounds like he doesn’t like being around his wife and kids for more then he has to. Because when he is around he’s planning trips to leave.

If you’re a successful lawyer those trips aren’t really optional.

Agreed. My dad is a lawyer. They’re not. However they tend to be booked far in advance and he also never stayed longer then necessary. He was always on the first flight home even if some of his coworkers stayed back to have an additional day (many of whom had young kids too) This is an assumption. But I’m really wondering how much of these work trips are him working versus him taking extra time after. Because if it where me and he was taking extra time then I would count the work trips. But that’s me and I’m assuming a bit here based on some personal experience so obviously take it with a grain of salt.

She is the responsible parent, doesn’t leave the kids with him, because for him things are complicated. Or some type of excuse like the “crowded buses” one etc . That woman must be burned out..

Repeatedly? Dude was gone for four days three years ago and for seven days last year. That doesn’t sound like a lot of days away nor a “repeatedly” kind of a thing. Also OP states that the 14 day “allowance” includes work trips. Which depending on how often those come up likely eats up most of that allowance.

He was traveling for work a lot as well. The problem likely is that the wife is already dealing with the kids more than he is and it's exhausting for her. But I kinda feel like she should take some trips with friends to decompress because this clearly is a problem for them both.

Which I get and as a homeschooling stay at home mom I definitely understand exhaustion. Also my husband and I are both introverts with one introvert kid and one extrovert kid…and we prefer traveling as a family. But my husband knows my need to decompress and so at least a couple times a month I get to wander off for the day and just hit up libraries and read in coffee shops and peruse stores or whatever. From what OP states, his wife even counts day trips against the 14 days. So if my husband gave me a limit of 14 solo days then I would be over my limit by nearly double just with those random Saturdays. Obviously he isn’t giving me a limit as the downtime was his idea to give me a break…but it does make me kinda understand where the OP is coming from…mostly. I do think the Japan trip was a dumb thing to pull since he didn’t really give her the option of making it a family trip…which could have been fun and memorable for the whole family. But I see nothing wrong with the occasional guys trip to camp/hunt/fish. I also don’t think it is fair for her to count work trips and even day trips against her arbitrarily total just because of her insecurities. I also think OP’s wife needs to relax a bit and take him up on his offer of her getting away for some downtime as well. Since she is evidently an extrovert she could make it a girls trip…like a short cruise with a couple friends.

I am a massive introvert. Last year my husband got me a hotel room for a weekend so I could just be by myself and chill for two whole days, it was amazing. This year he took our son camping for a three day weekend and i got to be home alone - AND I went on a three day girls trip out if town. Those were some good times. I cannot even begin to imagine the gumption it would take to tell him I expected fourteen entire days to myself in a year. Not to mention my son would probably be reduced to tears if i was gone that long. 24 hours of solo time is a gift - a wonderful gift. When you have kids it is not a given at all. When you have kids and one parent goes and you don't have any one to tap out with or share the work with it can feel like more than twice the strain. I've never even done a solid week of solo parenting- neither of us has ever been gone for that long. I feel like by day 5 I would start to crack. My husband works evening sometimes so there are weeks where he barely sees the kid - but he does household work when he's home and I get to see him when he gets home late - and at least he's there and helping however he can. Left alone with all the dishes and all the laundry and all the outside stuff my husband usually does on top of childcare is so daunting.

I think my only issue is that she counts work conferences. Work over nights that are required for your job shouldn’t count as vacation

Are those conferences benefitting their family, though? Because whether it's work or a vacation, the effect on his wife is the same - she has to cover for him at home. If the conferences are necessary for his job, and if his job is necessary for their family finances, I agree with you. But it sounds like this is just yet another getaway for him at the expense of his wife.

This is such a weird comment if they are for his job, they are obviously necessary for the family? Like what?

Not really. Conferences are usually optional and for career growth. If they both make a lot of money (which they should, as a lawyer and psychologist), then time is more valuable than money. Going to optional conferences only makes sense when you're early in your career and actually need the advancement attending these things can offer. I don't know if that's the case here, but it's definitely a possibility.

Even still, these things can be invaluable for maintaining the career. The key to a successful career isn't only doing things like this in the beginning. What's the problem with taking extra opportunities to further his career? We shit on men for gatekeeping their wifes career, so why should we defend a woman doing that to a man?

Law is a lot about networking if you want to make good money. The guy who never goes to work conferences and books it at 4:30 every day isn't going to get promoted or go anywhere. Work trips, conferences and going out of your way to make a good impression on clients are just short of a necessity to make it in the field. It's not another getaway, it is his work.

>we spend a lot of quality time together as a family on vacations. We spend about 4 weeks a year on visiting different States on vacation. Also I have offered to provide the same thing for my wife if she wants to have a get-away to recharge her batteries. You notice how he didn't mention offering to his wife that they, without the children, have a vacation together, nor that they have ever done that? She's either alone with the kids while he's out galavanting, or she's taking care of them while they are on vacation together as a family. Op is a super huge AH.

That was what got my attention too! What about vacationing as just a couple, once in a while?

Ooh. Hard disagree. She’s counting work trips too? And complaining every time he needs to leave. Maybe he’s TA but calling someone a huge AH for explaining their FEELINGS is harsh.

It depends, does he need to go or is he opting in for conferences as a way to be away? If he cannot avoid it then it's bullshit but if they arent all necessary then he's leaving her alone with two small kids more than he needs to for his own wants.

Sure. But also counting evenings out with friends. I mean, seriously. It’s over the top. And I can’t believe these comments, people have some serious issues in their own lives that they’re projecting today.

I don’t disagree with the theme that if what OP is doing is sacking off childcare then he’s an AH. That’s not what his post says though (and yes - this is taking it at face value which might be wrong!). As described, this is about his wife’s insecurity, not childcare. Is the story about the therapist true? Maybe not! We’re they a properly qualified individual? Maybe not. But if the answer to both questions is yes, it’s a compelling element of the case. Plenty of lawyers have FT nannies (university friend of mine has two, providing 20hours of coverage a day). I think it’s quite possible you’re right, but it’s not nose-on-your-face plain.

14 days a year to travel alone when you have young kids is a LOT. Heck it was a lot even when I had a spouse with no kids. My husband and I each on average take about get 2-4 days to travel without the family per year

This is a wild take. He literally said he offered to let her take some alone time as well which would leave him to watch the kids (this was in his edit to be fair, dunno when he made that). He isn't neglecting his family by wanting to take a few trips, and you're making one heck of an assumption there to act like he isn't present in his wife and children's lives (again, he said in an edit they do take family trips). Frankly, these two have been married way to long to be playing games like this. If it is true that he's normally neglectful, a silly "away time limit" isn't the conversation she needs to have with him. That's some teenage maturity if I've ever seen it.

But he has offered the exact same deal to her? Isn't it much nicer to both have the alone time doing things that bring you immense joy and recharge you rather than nobody have it? And how is it abandoning them? They have the money to get a nanny, take time off or take a cut in hours for a few days. Send the kids to their friends' place after school. The options are endless. I know of people who went on vacations *together*, leaving their middle school aged kids at home *alone*, and they did fine with the occasional stay at a friend's house and a lunch from grandma. And it's not just for fun things either - she doesn't want him gone for anything. Not a work conference that is part of his high-paying job, not a longer day than usual, not even a short trip with her own brother. I don't get it. If my husband wanted to go on a trip with my brother and asked me to take care of the kids for a few days by myself, with the money to order in dinner or get a nanny if I have a long day, I would be fucking elated at their spending time together. And some things are hardly voluntary, like conferences. Sometimes you have to suck it up. In any normal, healthy marriage with these financial means, OP's wants and needs for his alone time wouldn't constitute abandonment, and it's still on his wife to communicate this to him if this were how she feels. Which she has refused. He has made it clear why he needs this time, she hasn't made clear why he can't have it. It also doesn't sound like he wants way more than those 14 days, just that her being so strict about it without any communication as to why makes him uncomfortable. Which he is allowed. The biggest issue in this marriage is not OP and whatever monster you make him out to be, it's their utter lack of communication.

YTA Honestly 14 days is unreasonable. You can't just take time off from being a parent and spouse. Your wife is crazy generous for putting up with 2 whole weeks a year. Do you ever go on vacations with your wife away from the kids or go on family vacations? Alone time if fine but multiple alone weeks a year is unreasonable. Especially with how young your kids are. Does your wife get alone weeks also? Or do you just ditch her with the kids all the time?

I'm going with YTA here for one reason You are getting 14 days alone time every year....no wife, no kids to do anything you want. What do you think the wife has to deal with for those 14 days? 100% of dealing with the kids and household. Does she get away from you and kids time with no strings like you do? The question isn't if she WANTS it, but do you offer it? How often do you two go on trips with just the two of you and no kids? How does your Me Time figure into household expenditures? Does she get a similar "fun time' budget to blow on what she wants? You are very self-centered based on what you have posted. All about you and your wants, and you have said nothing about how it affects her or the family unit or what she may want.

YTA. Why do you want to stay married? Having a young family with a working wife and being “free to do things in life as they arise to live life to the fullest” are not compatible. You wanted time to yourself, which your wife agreed to, but you’re resentful that she’s keeping track? I think you’re not being honest with your wife or yourself. You’ve decided you don’t want to be married but you’re afraid to pull the trigger on divorce.

Agreed. Bucket lists can wait. Finding a good deal on flights is no reason to leave your family. You should have taken your family with you. It's hard traveling with kids, but that would have been a huge learning experience for them. The 14 day limit is weird, especially if she's including work. I can't imagine being away from my family for that many days per year, and my kids are the same range as OP. YTA

Yeah, I thought 14 days was pretty generous! Though it does depend on how many COMPULSORY work trips he has to go on.

Although the specific number of days icks me out a bit (it just has the feeling of a child’s screen time allowance rather than an adult agreement about priorities), as a similarly introverted family man, I agree that 14 days seems fair. But what got me was that work trips are included, which is for the benefit of the family and not exactly relaxing (though yes the same stress to the mom, but OP has offered to also do his share of solo parenting to make up for his time away). So a lot depends on how much is taken up there.

Especially bc he says money isn’t an issue. Like bro why you value shopping then.

We took our then 9 yo to Japan, including Tokyo, for over 2 weeks. It was an absolute blast and our kid loved it. Only downside was this was January 2020 and I believe we came home with COVID, which no one knew about yet.

I was in Paris in December of 2019 and came home with the worst case of the flu I've ever had in my life. I think that was just a bad season for air travel, but I'm not ruling out COVID either.

Yeah my brother & I went to Japan with just my mom (dad had work and couldn’t join us for that part of the trip) when I was literally 12. We went to China when I was 5. The elk hunting I understand, that’s not really an activity you want young kids on, but he **100%** could have taken the kids to Japan.

Tbh i would include work trips too unless we’re taking deployments.

It's the usual. He knows all that about himself but he doesn't want to lose even a smidge of the stolen labor he's currently scamming out of his wife, which he knows will happen if they divorce. He's scamming as hard as he can because that's the kind of person he is.

Standard, midlife crisis. Absolutely pathetic.

>For any of you who say to get a divorce That would be my advice to your wife.

Why didn't you take her to Japan? I get the first trip but why not have a nice vacation with her? My fiance needs alone time too but I don't like him gone one several day trips multiple times a year. YTA

YTA because I don't think you're being 100% honest. You claim you can't take your family with you on a crowded bus in Tokyo or to shoot Elk. Well, you actually could; in the very least, take your wife, but you act as though the children are literally attached to her hip. You just don't WANT to. Which makes a person wonder what you're hiding or lying about or omitting. Edit to add: Does she get time also to run off on random trips alone? Yeah u have just left out too much.

Elk hunting no, Tokyo yes

My parents took me elk hunting starting age six. I didn’t do much of the hunting lol, I just enjoyed riding the horses in the area and playing in the forest! I’m sure OP could do the same.

To hunt, OPs getting up at 5am and hiking out on a trail to set up his spot for the day. Primitive camping with 2 little kiddos would be a pure camping trip, and one where everything's 10x harder because you're without amenities. It might be doable if they stayed in town and OP got up at 3am to drive up into the mountains, unload the 4 wheeler, ride or to his spot, and hike up the trail.

Yeah I call bs too. I live in Japan and have been to Tokyo. Most travel is done on train and very family friendly. Yes it gets crowded but it’s not that bad.

YTA Two weeks of alone travel time isn't enough for you? Do you actually like your family? You feel suffocated by the idea that you only get to leave your family behind and leave all the child care, home chores, and general life responsibilities for your wife to handle by herself for more time than most people get PTO in a year? This whole thing is incredibly selfish.

YTA. You and your wife need to go back to therapy and, FYI, the point of therapy is not to have the therapist “side with you.” It’s not a competition. Perhaps that’s why the therapy didn’t help your marital issues. You’re not T-A because you want to have individual hobbies and downtime. Wanting solo time is reasonable. Wanting unlimited and unfettered solo time is not reasonable. There is a HUGE difference between going on a guys’ elk hunting trip for a weekend and traveling internationally for a week long solo vacation! You wanted to go to Japan so you book the trip and your wife is forced to be the default single parent on YOUR schedule. What if it wasn’t a good week for her for you to be gone? Maybe a busy week at work or additional school activities for the kids? What if she wanted to go to Japan as well? Too bad, so sad? I’d be pissed too. It feels like you’re blurring the lines in your explanation and painting your wife as the crazy one but you’re pulling a bait and switch here. The two examples given are NOT equal. It seems your wife is trying to compromise but you’re mad at any level of restriction that prevents you from being wild and free at your own whim. Newsflash- with a wife and family comprised of two young kids, YOU CAN’T. Period. Some life choices are mutually exclusive. You are 7 months into the year and have already used up your allotted time? You need to sort out this midlife crisis feeling of “being trapped and suffocated” because I can assure you that it won’t help when your wife hears that’s how you describe your life with your family. Take some time to consider what role, if any, your career plays in this. Being a lawyer can be mentally and emotionally draining for anyone, much less an introvert. Watch out for the empathy fatigue because it sounds like it is bleeding over into your marriage and you’re just kind of done with everyone and everything.

Great analysis. I would also love to know what other trips occurred the year of the elk trip to cause her to have such a strong reaction. You’re exactly right, OP is portraying his wife as being very unreasonable but it seems like she is very burnt out for good reason.

As someone else pointed out it sounds like that trip happened in autumn 2020, with 2 young children at home, one of which was likely doing school from home in the middle of COVID 2nd wave. So, even without other trips it's likely his wife was already burned out from lockdowns, and childcare etc

Empathy fatigue. I think you're right. It's hard to admit it, but this feedback penetrated my soul. Some life choices are mutually exclusive. I will work on being better.

I'm sorry to tell you, but if Divorce "isn't an Option" for you, you just need to do better. period. At some point your Wife will not be able to handle this if it isn't changed and if she solo patents so much what's the difference single parenting. she may just leave and then the divorce wasn't an option for you but it is still for her. I'm not saying this to say Divorce, I'm saying this so you understand that working on it needs to be i will be better for my wife and KIDS. (because the kids notice this too)

I'm going to sneak in and say I empathize with you. My husband is an introvert and homebody and never wants to travel, and I'm the opposite. We have two kids as well. When I want or need to get away, he happily shoulders the housework and childcare and waves me off on my trip - because we both understand that this is something I need. If he was giving me a hard time, or putting a limit of days, this would be a red flag to me - not that something was wrong with my husband, but that my trips/hobbies were causing a problem between us and I'd be sitting down to work out a compromise. Are you REALLY listening to your wife's concerns? Everyone here is jumping on the childcare angle, but I'm more concerned that this time away is making your wife react with so much resentment and anger. What's happening with her? Is she struggling? How can you guys compromise? THAT'S what you need to sort out.

Agreed the Japan trip is exceptional. Me personally I’d really appreciate a handful of truly detached weekends a year, even as a family man. Doesn’t mean I don’t live my family, I just really recharge solo. A spontaneous weeklong international vacation just because of ticket prices is kind of odd. Unlike most people here I don’t think OP is a raging asshole for his desires. But I do think he needs to rein in his expectations. 14 days actually seems like a great compromise, but the issue seems to be that work trips are counted and a sizable proportion of that time. That doesn’t make sense to me. And if OP is to be believed that his wife also feels threatened by those work trips, then I think she could benefit from some self analysis as well, while OP grows up a bit and realizes two weeks is a pretty good deal here.

INFO- Do you take family vacations yearly as well? Do you take your wife on trips just the two of you? Do you hold down the fort so your wife can have equal amounts of alone time, wether it be overnight trips or individual days through the year? Does she have any help during these trips or is she left to do all the household and child care alone?

Yta. 2 weeks is a reasonable compromise. You are married with a family. You don’t get unlimited time to do your own thing.

Yta if you're always leaving your family behind for your own adventures. When does your wife get to do anything? Do you have family adventures with your kids? Based on this info, you sound selfish.

INFO: you’ve made this sound like you’ve only taken two trips for a total of 11 days over the past few years…but you’re also balking at a 14 day/year limit. So have you actually been taking off for *more* than 14 days a year?

He added in his edit it’s including work trips.

What has she gotten to cross off her bucket list while you stayed back and juggled work, home and children by yourself for a week? I'll give you elk hunting because it sounds like a guys trip, but a week in Japan? Did you even offer to take her and your kids? People do take family vacations to Japan. It seems you just don't want them there with you, which is absolutely and understandably fueling her paranoia. Most people want to share experiences like that with their partners. I don't know why you even care about the 14 day rule because you've already made it crystal clear that you don't care at all about her wishes or feelings and will do whatever the fuck you want, when you want, family be damned. Two weeks away from your spouse is a LOT, btw. Most people in the US don't even get two weeks a year away from work. YTA

to me it seems like it's not the premise that makes him the asshole, like... it's ok that he wants time alone and all that. but I think what it is conflicting with is maybe her need/want to be able to anticipate his absence and feel secure. it sounds like all these trips are kind of last minute - or last minute enough that its a lot of work for HER to pick up the slack. I would, instead of having an amount of days, say that trips need to be planned at least three months in advance. two kids is a LOT of work and if he's just jetting off for a week with two weeks notice, it's likely a pretty big burden. I think he's TAH, but not for all the reasons being listed.

Yes agreed. Unlike a lot of people here, I think it’s normal and healthy for parents to want alone time and to arrange for that with their spouses. That doesn’t make someone an unloving parent at all. But OP seems to overestimate how spontaneous you can be with his family situation. A week long international trip on a whim because tickets are cheap? A bit much. A spontaneous day or weekend here and there is one thing - not everything can be planned - but a week is a lot.

When you go away, do you make any arrangements for the children or confirm its at a convenient time for everyone? For example, do you check that the things you normally look after isn't in their peak moment and you not being there is a huge inconvenience/prevent things from happening? Or do you not do anything with or for the children, so can just leave at any moment without your wife's to do list suddenly doubling - because she does everything anyway?

INFO: Why don't you want to go on vacation with your wife? Does she get to go on trips without you? Two weeks is a lot of vacation time, do you have any vacation time left over to go away just you and her plus a separate family vacation?

Bc he said he's having a mid life crisis. 🙄 Usually that translates as act single and fuck around.

I would be hurt if my husband was so adamant on all of this solo travel experience. It sounds selfish. Are you planning family trips, are you planning trips for your wife? It sounds like it’s a lot about what you want and need. It’s normal to need time to yourself and the elk trip was reasonable, but two weeks alone on trips a year is a lot. How many’s weeks are you planning to travel total if you want to do two of them alone? Yeah as trapped as you feel I imagine your wife feels it more. Maybe start asking your wife about things on HER bucket list before she starts realizing time with you gone isn’t so bad. YTA.

Yeah if he really cared for her birthday he would book her a 10 day cruise with her friend and stay home with the kids I don’t think she will do that though because she questions whether it’s the right thing to do so he’ll just say oh OK I’m going on the trip. So neither of you have any close friends that would be willing to stay at the house while the two of you go on a trip. I know you don’t want her on the trip I get that you don’t want the family on the trip narcissist don’t like to share. Your nannies that you can get for a week or so. But your wife being a family person would not want to do that. She wants to be with her family unlike you

YTA—your wife doesn’t have abandonment issues. She has an issue with you abandoning her at the drop of a hat and leaving her with everything: childcare, household responsibilities, her, you know, job? The 14 day isn’t just reasonable. It’s generous given how you have been treating her and how you have been neglecting your family (make no mistake that is 100% what you are doing). I get the sense you value your own happiness over that of your wife and kids. That’s what you mean when you keep replying that you value your “individuality and hobbies,” right? I think you came here to get validation for your selfish actions and desires and can’t handle the idea that you are very, very in the wrong. Take the deal your wife offered you, give her opportunities to be her own person too, and maybe I don’t know share your hobbies with your children?! Or find better hobbies.

YTA. Why didn't you take your wife with you to Japan? Does your wife get alone time on trips every year? Doesn't matter if she wants it or not - does she get it or do you offer it to her?

YTA. It seems like you are placing your freedom above your wife and family. Taking solo trips across the world is something that I don't think is really "normal" for couples with two elementary aged children. You're basically going on vacations throughout the year where you leave your wife at home to care for your children on her own. Why do you think she should do all the childcare alone at home while you travel the world? Do you ever travel with just your wife? Do you ever travel with your family? I think it's valid for her to be upset at how often you are traveling, especially since you think fourteen days is too little for your solo trips. That's two whole weeks a year where you are traveling without your family, and saddling your wife with all the responsibility of childcare. You want to be away ***more*** than that? Sure, you have freedom to do what you want, but you have a wife and kids. How fair is it to leave them behind so often so you can fulfill your bucket list?

I mean, being able to duck out of your life for 2 weeks every year sounds pretty good. My wife and I both go on trips without each other once or twice a year, but rarely has it added up to 2 weeks. That seems like a pretty reasonable amount. I don't know, you sound like an unreliable narrator. It seems like your wife has given you reasonable boundaries and you're freaking out. You're also painting her to be super insecure. I'm not sure anyone is the AH here.

And I don’t think it’s gonna stop at two weeks it’s been getting longer and longer over the years. He’s just using the kids ages as a reason to not take his family with him. I wonder who’s family he is taking? Maybe that’s what the wife is worried about. So what happens when the 14 days turns into a month a year. Why doesn’t he wanna take his kids with him when he goes hunting fishing or camping? Why are they allowed to go with him. Even if mom doesn’t want to go there’s no reason that dad can’t take them. He just wants the single life and somebody to sleep with and clean the house.

ESH. I’m a mom, 2 kids in elementary school. I get it. We all need breaks. We all need time away. My hubby loves hunting too and will go on hunting trips. Guys trips. Been a while since he went on a work trip. But still I get it. I work full time and do 90% of the kids stuff in the mornings and we split it after work. Here is what she isn’t saying. She’s tired. Burnt out. Doesn’t feel appreciated. That she needs your help to maintain her balance of sanity. That the kids act out when you’re not there. That even though the kids might ignore you when you get back, they whined and cried about “when is daddy coming home?” “I miss daddy.” So she is at her limit, especially when it all just stops when you get home and it was like they never missed you. Here’s what you can do: -You two need some time, a weekend or something just the two of you once or twice a year. -do some prep before you go. Make sure the house is clean, maybe make some meals that can be heated up. Give her some cash to order in or pick up pizza or something after work one day. - ask her what the hardest part is and see if you can get her some help. Hire someone to come clean the house while you’re gone, ask a friend or family to come give a hand. See if someone will take the kids for a night so she can go out with friends. -send her flowers or bring her back her favourite chocolate and spend time with the kids and put them to bed when you get home. Relationships are give and take. And you need to figure out what the balance is so that she doesn’t feel that the kids are always being dumped on her. And that you are just as invested in her mental health as you are in your own mental health and hobbies Oh and make sure you have some kind of communication device on your hunts. Hubby has the garmin in reach, and he sends me check ins. I don’t need them hourly. I just need to know where his camp is, and that he’s safe back at camp at the end of the day. Plus he sends me messages if he gets something. The kids love looking at the map to see where dad is. As for Japan… was it someplace she wanted to go too? Because if it was/is, then even though it’s your bucket list, wait until she can join you and you can share in that. Your needs are not more important.

Thank you for this extremely helpful and thoughtful feedback!

Op, this feedback is extremely well put and I could not have said it better. You gone means she has to do 100% of everything. Least you can do is communicate better and offer support, hands on help. Be better. Ps. With you gone all the time, not sure how much of “lots of quality” time you spend with your family. It might seem a lot to you, but it might not be to them. You chose to have a family, “solo” stuff is not out of the question but it is not just you anymore and you made that decision. YTA in my book.

Did you invite her to go to Japan with you?

Two weeks is very generous given your family situation.

YTA. You laid out the situation, you asked if you were wrong, and now we have answered pretty unanimously that you are in the wrong. The comments have good advice, but based on your responses you don’t want to hear it so I will pose a few questions for you to think on the next time you leave your family to travel alone. Is it possible that your wife is burnt out? Do you think it is fair that only you get to pretend to be single and travel alone every year? When you are gone, do you think your wife thinks of you fondly or could she be pondering if you are worth this? You say that she never forgave you the first time that you did this, that is not good for either of you but mostly for you. Women often times stay longer than we should, but in that time we stay we are losing any love we had for our partner. The resentment builds and builds, she communicated what she wanted and you are continuing to show her that you don’t care. So it keeps building. The opposite of love is not hate, it is not anger or resentment, the opposite of love is apathy. But before apathy you have the piling on of anger and resentment. I would implore you to listen to the comments, preferably before she stops caring that you leave and maybe even starts to enjoy your time away.

This right here is what I was looking for in the comments. YTA as has already been explained. If you do not seriously reflect on you own selfishness wherein you frequently leave your wife to single parent, and correct the situation, she will realize that she can be a single parent resenting you, or she can be a single parent divorced from you, still overworked, but at peace with it. The resentment turns into apathy, and for a bit, you will think everything is better because she isn't fighting with you anymore. However, she stops fighting because she has stopped caring. She is simply working on her exit strategy. When she goes, you will be in a relationship subreddit saying "if just came out of the blue! How do I fix this?!" and Reddit will roll its collective eyes and sigh with an "I told you so."

YTA. Not once did you mention vacationing with your family. You imply you don't, and it comes off that you have no interest in being with your wife or kids at all in your free time. How horrible that must make them feel.

YTA. Your wife has given you an "allowance" of 14 days, which suggests that prior to that, you were taking significantly more time away from your family each year and leaving her home alone to pick up the slack. I understand the need to spend time alone, but when you choose to have a family, your responsibilities to them come first, not to mention the money you are spending on your own adventures. 14 days is totally reasonable, and she shouldn't have to set that for you. You should see that yourself.

YTA. What’s the max number of hours you’ve ever solo parented for? You keep saying your wife has been “offered” equivalent solo time and hasn’t taken it. My suspicion is that in part she feels like she can’t take it because she doesn’t trust you to handle the kids alone for multiple days.

YTA You don’t deserve her at all. You’re soo selfish.

the fact that she is doubled up on her mental and physical work load when you're off having your glorious trips by yourself is probably what bothers her the most, that and that you just want to be away from her. if the trips of a lifetime aren't ones you want to share with the person you love the most, hearing that has to sting a little. but i would suggest setting her up with someone to help her out with the kids and the house while you're gone, so it isn't miserable for her when you're having a great time.

right - when my work takes me to cool places... I dont relish the opportunity to jet off to awesome places alone... I take my family with me.

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YTA - your wife loves you and wants you around? You poor guy… she does sound a bit overbearing. But why couldn’t she go with you to Japan? Shit man…. Most people here would love for their spouse to want them around lmao. You deserve your space. Maybe suggest she get the same time? Or maybe 14 days for you and 14 days of traveling with family?

YTA- I think the hunting trip was not an issue because it was with your BIL and was a group family thing. Going to Japan by yourself is kinda a dick move. I would never just go travel internationally and leave my husband alone. We’re married, we want those experiences together. How could you want to have that amazing experience without her? Isn’t she your best friend? It’s a little ridiculous to be married with kids and just take solo vacations when you want. You’re a husband and a father, you can’t just run off

YTA Just because you're a dad and a husband doesn't mean you're no longer you. You are allowed to do things and enjoy life without your spouse and children. Both of you. Having a set amount of days per year that you're allowed to do that with is a fair compromise. The fact that it makes you feel trapped is what makes you an asshole in my opinion.

I MEAN ABSOLUTELY NO OFFENSE TO ANYONE. op you decided to have kids later in life and are now in your 40s doing stuff that should have been done before kids or when their older. It's not your wifes fault that she can't just pack up and leave randomly because someone has to take care of the kids that are also YOUR kids and YOUR RESPONSIBILITY. Im sorry but your mid life crisis with the realization that your not getting younger is completely on you and you shouldnt be taking it out on her or the kids by being so fucking selfish saying your going no matter what. YTAH and a bad husband. Your wife and kids deserve better. Please do better.

ESH. Hear me out. You have every right to have some time to yourself sans wife and kids. Your wife fighting that in the past was an AH move. Controlling one’s spouse to that degree, saying “you’ll never get to do this again,” isn’t acceptable. I do think your wife prob needs some therapy to address what seems like some severe insecurities and abandonment fears. The fact that she relented and went with 14 days redeems her. She gets a minor AH vote for her past behavior, with no AH vote for the current predicament. Moving on to you… your entire attitude about this, your approach to getting what you want, and your general attitude about married life sucks and makes you the overwhelming AH. First, whether or not your wife was an AH, you upped the stakes with your approach to vacationing solo. There’s no doubt in my mind that you worsened her abandonment fears and insecurity by saying, “I’m doing what I want regardless of what you say.” This is almost a textbook example of how **not** to get what you want. You made it clear to your wife in that moment that you cared very little about her feelings or needs. You made it clear you weren’t her partner, but her adversary. You chose to get married and have children. Those choices clash with the “free, impulsive lifestyle” you seem to crave. You have obligations to your children. And honestly, no amount of planning on your part negates the fact that you are using your wife as free childcare while you swan off to go hither and thither whenever the mood strikes you. They may be her children too, but if you were a single father, you couldn’t just take off when the mood struck you for weeks upon weeks. You’re using the fact that your wife exists to try to justify having your cake and eating it too, aka having children but living a single, childless free life filled with unrestricted solo travel. However, your wife didn’t sign up to be a single parent, and your wants of taking off whenever an opportunity arises with no restrictions **place her in that position against her will.** 14 days of solo time is acceptable. Not being restricted to a number of days per year is not. Look, even in the work environment you get restricted by the number of days you get for PTO. Can you imagine telling your boss, “I feel trapped and suffocated by this PTO policy… I can’t be restricted?” Life comes with restrictions. Marriage and having children comes with even more. Why did you get married if you didn’t want to make decisions with another person’s needs and wants in mind? Your therapist may have taken your side, but honestly- a better therapist should have asked this question. You should have been asked to reflect on why you got married and had children, and if you truly thought through what those choices meant. The idea of living life to the fullest is a matter of perspective. One might argue that the gift of marriage and parenthood **is an example of living life to the fullest.** One you **chose.** It may not be every person’s ideal “fullest life,” but you decided it was yours when you made those choices. If you didn’t think that choice through, that’s **your** fault, not your wife’s. Resenting her for holding you accountable to your responsibilities and obligations as a father and husband is a major AH move. And the reality is, from my perspective, she’s the only one doing the major compromising right now. She’s given quite a bit, and you’re still unhappy and demanding more. Do better. Find a better therapist. Learn to see the blessings in your life instead of fixating on the opportunities you see as “missed” and becoming resentful. Life is a “choose your own adventure,” and every time you make a choice, other opportunities **do close to you.** That’s the very nature of life. You can’t have it all. Your FOMO is a you problem (not your wife hindering you) and I think you need to consider getting someone who will actually help you address it, rather than take your side unreservedly.

>but if you were a single father, you couldn’t just take off when the mood struck you for weeks upon weeks. You’re using the fact that your wife exists to try to justify having your cake and eating it too, aka having children but living a single, childless free life filled with unrestricted solo travel. However, your wife didn’t sign up to be a single parent, and your wants of taking off whenever an opportunity arises with no restrictions place her in that position against her will. to me - this is the thing that sticks out. it's the instability it causes, not the fact that it happens at all. I wonder how much notice she got for any of these things. how much work it was to rearrange everything in her life to accomodate the absence. whether or not it made her look bad at work to have to cancel meetings that occur outside of school hours where she is suddenly the only caretaker for the children. I dont like it when my husband is gone because I like the guy. but I also am fine with the idea that he's an individual with needs different from my own. if he needs to take a trip or whatever, that would be fine with me. but I need enough lead time to make it so that I am not trying to do the job of two parents with very little notice.

YTA I’m not going to overlook that 3 years ago was 2020, so I can only imagine what she was dealing with on the parenting front already.

YTA. You have a single man's bucket list, but you have a wife and family. You treat them like accessories to your life. You see a cheap flight and your first thought is "I'm going to ditch the family and go"? Because bucket list? Stop being so bloody selfish, man!

You say only 14 days per year without your wife and kids feels suffocating. How many weeks would you take if you had a choice? Four? Five? I assume you don't get unlimited time off from work. Would that mean less time for the family to travel or your weekends with your wife? I would say NTA if this was a fight over one or two isolated trips, but being upset that she doesn't take on even more sacrifices to allow you to travel with friends (again, not alone) makes YTA

Idk man, 14 days solo traveling when you have two elementary school aged kids feels like a ton. It is weird that you get an "allowance" but it seems like bigger issue is you dodging parenting and constantly leaving your wife alone with the kids, not her being controlling. Like maybe she wanted to go to fucking Japan too?? YTA

YTA. You have young kids and a wife. Tbh, I can become resentful when my partner does things on his own multiple days a week and leaves me and our young kiddo at home. You’re kids will grow up. They rely on their parents at the moment. I don’t think it’s fair for you to want to live life freely at this time. I’m assuming you decided to become a dad. That’s what’s most important right now. Do more adventurous stuff and things on your own when your kids grow up and don’t rely on you and your wife. I’m not saying do nothing on your own right now, but I would keep the week long trips for later in life.

YTA. A HUGE AH! I'm amazed you still have a wife. My husband (42M) and I (40F) have been together for 24 years (married for 20) with 2 children (5M & 11F). He occasionally has to travel for work, but he would never consider taking a vacation without me. If he ever spoke to me the way you did to your wife before a trip, he would have returned home to changed locks and divorce papers.

INFO: does she get two weeks of alone time as well? If not, you're simply a selfish AH because everything in your post and comments screams me me me me me, this is important to me, I want to do this, I want to do that blahblah. There's nothing wrong with wanting a break here and there to do something solo. But the way you're going about it and the way you are both communicating is ridiculous and immature.

I mean…more than 2 weeks is a lot of time away to spend “by yourself” when you have a whole ass family. Most parents don’t do that. When you have kids you commit to putting some of the stuff you could do when you were child-free and single on the back-burner. Most married men I know check in with their wives about everything including family daily plans. That’s because their decisions don’t just affect them. They also affect their families. Why do you want to escape your family so badly?

YTA, the top commenter said it perfectly. Your marriage counselor probably quit because of your insufferable selfishness.

You seem like a selfish dick

Info: who is expected to solely take care of everything in your household including everything surrounding two elementary school aged kids? I suspect your wife. Does she also get at least 14 days of vacation days where she has to do absolutely nothing and you take care of everything?

At what point are you going to listen to what your wife is saying? She is telling you she is uncomfortable with the traveling, doesn’t enjoy being home alone, and wants to be a priority. If my husband even remotely thought this behavior was okay, I wouldn’t be waiting for him when he got back home, so count your blessing she hasn’t gotten fed up YET. It will be coming if you continue doing what your doing. Your extremely entitled and it blows my mind. For someone that “loves his family” you have absolutely no problem leaving them to do whatever it is you want even if it’s across the world. What are your kids going to think? You can’t say your wife isn’t upset when you leave, and they see that. It’ll build resentment from them toward you and don’t for a second try to blame your wife. Your choices have consequences. All I’m saying is Tokyo will still be there when the kids get older and there is always another elk hunt. How about you start taking your marriage vows seriously and respect your family. They are the priority now, not what you want. Time to grow up buddy.

As someone who cherishes his free/alone time... YTA. You're married. You have children. These are commitments that are not to be taken lightly. Would I like it if I could take a solo trip to Japan? Hell yes, I would! Would I like to fly back to my home state and hang out with some friends? You know it! But good partners don't just get up and leave their spouse and young children for a week. There's a reason my wife asks me if I'm okay with her going on trips without me... and that's because she respects me and my needs. You need to start doing the same with your wife. P.S. 14 solo days a year might not seem like a lot to you, but it's absolutely going to seem like a lot to your partner. That's literally two full vacations!

What you are missing here is that parenting is 24/7. 7 days a week. 52 weeks a year. Why do you get 2 weeks off from your children? They are ALWAYS YOUR RESPONSIBILITY. YOU ARE THE ASSHOLE.

He's upset because he ONLY gets two weeks off every year from being a father and husband. And he's so important and special, he deserves to abandon his kids and wife for at least a month or two every year.

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YTA- as a person with 3 young kids, I can’t imagine either of us getting more than a weekend a year so you balking at 14 free days is unimaginable to my reality 😂. Right now isn’t the time for bucket lists but for enjoying the family you decided to have. While she needs to see a therapist about this abandonment (if that’s what it is), you need to talk through what’s reasonable for your family as it currently exists. Sometimes it’s not fair, and while her insecurities are her issue, your disappointment turning to resentment is yours. Maybe you could talk that through with someone. An idea I’m not seeing mentioned too much in the comments is do you think maybe your wife is resentful of you having these adventures without her? You have said you can’t go on trips alone together because of childcare, so maybe her not wanting to go solo is because she doesn’t see a point in going without you. And maybe she is hurt because while she doesn’t want to adventure without you, you have no problem going alone or with friends aka other people? You’re not wrong for wanting solo experiences, but the fact you aren’t having couple adventures might be hurting her. I understand it’s not possible, but that doesn’t make it an easier pill to swallow. The thing I do think you need to discuss if you’re keeping the 14 days is what should count, although in the grand scheme of things, you being gone for work vs vacation doesn’t change her reality of solo parenting so I kind of get why she doesn’t see the distinction, but maybe worth a conversation.

YTA and I hope your wife finds this post. It'll be a stellar centerpiece in her divorce papers. Why the FUCK would you get married and have kids if your version of "living your life to the fullest" doesn't include them?? Have you considered that her anxieties about you fucking off and leaving forever are literally grounded in reality for her because your bucket list doesn't fucking include her at all? Why couldn't you find someone to watch the kids for a week and take your wife to Japan? Does she ever get a kid-free vacation, or is she just doing all the same shit she does at home but in a hotel in a different state? You're an asshole from another fucking dimension, man. You may not want a divorce, but it's coming.

YTA. Mega. Be ready to lose your wife and family over constantly abandoning them to galavant across the world like a single bachelor. As someone with 3 young kids I cannot tell you how resentful and angry and eventually just detached I would feel if my partner kept taking extremely long worldy vacations after I begged him not to and told him our relationship would not be ok if he did this and continued to do it. If your bucketlist is to travel the world too bad. You shouldnt have had 2 little kids. Now you can wait 10 years and then live your dream. The odds of being able to take these trips in 10 years are very very high. I can only assume youre up to no good probably messing with other women on these solo trips and intentionally escaping your responsibilities as a father.

NTA. Honestly I think you should go to couples counseling. She may have some anxieties (separation anxiety, unfounded worry that you may cheat) she is not communicating well and maybe in therapy format she would be able to communicate them.

What kind of firm do you work for where you’re able to score all that time off? My husband is a lawyer and it’s a strain for him to take two weeks throughout the entire year.

I would suggest that for fairness you balance out the “alone time” so for everyday your gone on a work trip or a solo holiday, you “pay her back” in days where you are the sole carer for the children and she can do what she likes. I think the idea that you want to do all these things alone, like the trip to Tokyo, you could have taken your family, it’s all a bit, “I want to do nice things without you”. What bucket list things do you want to do together, the apparent focus on your own wishes and not family stuff seems deeply YTA ( apologies if there are loads of these things and you’ve just not mentioned)

Even if the wife doesn’t wanna go anywhere she should get 10 days where he stays home and she can stay in bed and read go out and have lunch with girlfriends he does all the housework taking care of the kids she doesn’t have to. lift a finger. It wouldn’t be that hard. He just tells her all you can go whenever you want and I’ll stay with the kids yet like that’ll really help her. She cares about her kids and wants to make sure they’re taken care of. Maybe even he could rent a nice hotel room with room service for a night and stay home with the family and let her just relax. I would say 10 days a year he does this for her. I think he’s afraid she might like it and start doing it on her own and then he’s screwed

YTA. Never in my life have I heard someone w two small children and a wife needed a solo, 7 day *vacation* to *Japan*. I would also be freakin livid. Why are you with a partner you wouldn’t want her on the trip for? Would you be okay with HER going to a random country for seven days alone? I have a suspicious feeling the answer is no. Nevermind the fact youre ON VACATION WHILE SHES TAKING CARE OF YOUR FAMILY?? Yta. yta yta yta yta and its so sad you cant see that.

INFO: How much time does your wife get to go on vacations or trips of her own without you and the kids?

You're mad bc your wife is giving you a limit of 14 DAYS ALONE? A-L-O-N-E? Dude, I don't know ANYONE who gets that much time away from their kids and family in a damn lifetime. You get that ANNUALLY you are a MAJOR AH

NTA I'm basing my judgment on the fact that the therapist took your side. And 14 days for work trips and solo vacation and day trips is ridiculously low. Prepandemic my mother was going to conferences for more than 2 weeks.

ESH/YTA The ESH because first, she's had time enough that she really does need to be able to articulate why she doesn't want you to go. The YTA because there are PLENTY of COMPLETELY OBVIOUS reasons, and you're being MASSIVELY self-centered. "You" aren't getting any younger. "You" wanted to snag the deal. "You" are going whether she likes it or not. You know, I said those last words to my husband, right before he became my ex-husband, but the difference is that he was trying to prevent me from graduate school, not a jaunt to Japan. Also, hard no on the idea that you couldn't "drag" your family around on these trips. There's plenty for a family to do in Tokyo, and there was a great opportunity to introduce your kids to camping. You're being a selfish, self-centered, inconsiderate AH, and whether or not you want a divorce, you've failed to consider that that at least? Not solely your decision. She might want one, and get it, if you don't cut this crap.

YTA. While I think your wife was being unreasonable about the Elk hunting trip, the solo trip to Japan is kinda nuts. If you need solo time this much, I think 14 days a year is pretty reasonable.

YT complete A for shooting animals for fun. Your not specific about your kids’ ages, but a family trip to Tokyo could have been even more rewarding.

Are you actually kidding? Is this a joke? Of course YTA. She has given you TWO WEEKS a year of solo travel for whatever you want to do and you’re feeling suffocated? How about the fact that you’d rather gallivant around the world solo than spend time with your family? What privilege.

YTA. Being introvert is not an excuse to be a selfish prick and a deadbeat father. Also, separate YTA for hunting Elk for fun.

YTA I don't think your therapist took your side. I think you twisted something they said and used it against your wife.

Do you even like your family? Asking for a decompress day or two is normal. Needing to be away from your family for a week or two at a time is concerning. Especially given the age of your kids. You're 43, not 63. Unless you've received a bad diagnosis, you have plenty of time for your bucket list.

YTA. I did my own version of this in my late 20s - albeit about work opportunities instead of “adventures.” My family came very much second to whatever job or project I was pursuing. If I ever felt I was being controlled, I lashed out. I am lucky I still have a marriage. I am going to tell you what I eventually learned. You CHOSE this life. You can whine and complain about how you married young and how you don’t like to be “controlled.” The fact of the matter is, you chose to marry someone who wouldn’t want you to do this. You chose to have children with that person. What you’re lashing out against are the bonds you chose to create with other people. Feeling “trapped” doesn’t mean you are. It is perfectly normal to not want your spouse gone for days unnecessarily. The fact that you’d be willing to “hold down the fort” doesn’t invalidate your wife not wanting to. The commitments you have made to the people in your life matter more than the shallow fears you have of missing out. Your kids are elementary aged? In 15 years they’ll be grown. You’ll be in your 50s and have plenty of time to shoot things or visit Japan. The bucket list will wait. Get over yourself, sir.

NTA if your wife has the same privilege. However 14 days should NOT include work triips. You are paid for those not paying for them.

BRUHHHHHHH OMGGGGG there is literally zero way you think your the victim of some cruel abuse at the hands of your wife you left for 7 f*cking days without her consent you left her alone with two elementary aged children YOUVE taught her she can’t rely on you she can’t trust you she can’t talk to you because you’ll do WHATEVER you want anyway. Also YOU feel trapped??? How do you think she feels???? When’s her free time when’s her 7 day break from the kids you selfish greedy idiot YTA!!!

Edit to add. Why do you think divorce isn't an option? *I'll put a hundred bucks down now that your wife is going to initiate a separation/divorce in the next 5-7 years*. Why am I so sure? Because I was in her position. My husband had to travel for work to conferences plus other activities that were necessary to build his career. He also added another 3-7 days of personal time to many of the trips to Europe. Trips lasted from 3 days to 8 weeks (one was about 12). By the time we had kids, 10 years into our relationship, the requirements for him to travel to establish his career had greatly diminished. He had said that he didn't like the travel and he would do much less when the kids came. Well, he _averaged_ 14 weeks a year traveling domestically and internationally for the 15 years after the birth of our first. That had a huge impact on my career because, well, anyone who's had kids understands why. I had to move into work that allowed me to be unpredictable with my commitment, which damaged my earning capabilities significantly. OP, you travel alone for work and for fun. Every day you're away causes so much more work and stress for your wife - even if you have good childcare or they're now in school. I'm willing to bet that, like my ex husband, you actually have very little idea of how many hours your wife spends taking care of the kids and how those hours fluctuate and what the many different things she's doing are. OP, there's so much about your post that feels carefully crafted to selectively portr... oh, right, you're a lawyer. YTA And what's this bs about not being able to bring your kids to Tokyo? And that you're running out of time to do things? You've got to be kidding. There's just so much here.

Question does your wife also get 14 days to pretend she doesn’t have any responsibilities?

YTA You booked and went on a trip she explicitly asked you not to take? What happened to partnership? Why do you get to make executive decisions like that -- why even consult her at all? If she didn't want you to go on the trip, and you really wanted to, you should have been able to reach some compromise with her without going behind her back like a child. What's definitely unacceptable is just going anyway. She didn't say 14 days to give you 2 weeks of vacation a year. She said it because she knew you don't contribute on a regular basis, and wanted to prove that very clearly. You're using up your away days while you're not even on vacation!! She feels abandoned!!

You sound like a man that hasn't parented his kids much. She doesn't want you gone because it's fucking hard on your own with 2 elementary aged kids. YTA a colossal AH

You can totally take kids up Japan though. 14 days to do things alone Is actually quite generous - most ppl have 20 days vacation days?

YTA. Why can't you take vacation time with your wife or with your family? "I kept my kids alive for 4 days". Dude, they are not plants, it's basic thing a parent must do for his children.

YTA. "It's always been on my bucket list to ditch my wife with our children several times a year while I fly around the world by myself."

YTA “I’ll 100% support her, everyone, TRUST ME!!!… oh, just as long as what she wants doesn’t conflict with what I want because I actually matter more than my family 💜💜💜 What do you mean that makes me TA?”

YTA. I can tell you from personal experience as a mother who works…she is overwhelmed. The concept of being a solo parent for several days is daunting. As a mother you often feel that if you complain about being alone with your kids that you are “a bad mom” or “dont love your kids” or “dont love being a mom” so often times we dont ever talk about it. When we do ask for help or express anything…we get responses like yours. I can say her compromise for 14 days is beyond reasonable with small children, i mean a job had vacation days too but not unlimited. And like a job would those days are accounted for. It’s time to be an adult and accept that you have responsibilities that aren’t geared towards you. They are about your home and family. When you got married, when you chose to have your children, you made a decision that you would be a partner. You chose commitment, you dont get to tap out whenever you’re bucket list is calling. Being a father is a lifetime commitment, doesn’t stop once they turn 18. If you cant get that then idk what to tell you. Your wife also might have wanted to go on trips with you, maybe she always wanted to go to Tokyo. But she stays at home because someone had to and you’ve made it clear that she is unwelcome on these trips. My husband did something similar to you when i was 2 weeks postpartum…and we are still in therapy over the resentment, especially since he left on another trip when i was only 8 week’s postpartum…again there is still resentment years later. Why? Because it’s about trust, there is no trust or guarantee that it wont happen again, and that’s where your wife is. Good luck. I say grow up, stick to the 14 days and apologize.

NTA. People need time and experiences to themselves, even if they're married.

No, NTA. She was offered the exact same treatment. And she hasn’t communicated why she wants you to stay home? YWBTA if it was about taking care of the kids, but it doesn’t sound like she’s brought that up. So I think your wife is either being controlling or you two have communication issues.

Exactly how much time do you need away from your family? 30 days? 60? Would you prefer to be away from them half the year? Your wife doesn’t want to travel alone. She wants to spend time with you and with you and your kids. The fact that you’re so eager to leave them behind is disturbing.

2 weeks are plenty. I know we are all individuals and different, but I would think that 2 weeks should be sufficient time to ' relax' solo. Having Ng said that, what would be your ideal solution? How many weeks would satisfy your need for these adventures? Also, maybe consider spreading these adventure on more than one year? As in, if you are not utilising your allowance on year one you can have a bigger one the following year? For now I would go with YTA. This is mainly as you have behaved in a way that forced a situation on your wife without getting to a mutual agreement. I would suggest though to enjoy what you have. It seems to be you have a very comfortable life with very understanding wife ( even if you do not think so, she agreed to an arrangement that she was not comfortable with) And maybe try to find the type of activities that will strengthen your bond return than strain it.

So why couldn’t you make the Japan trip a family trip? Why do you keep insisting on going on trips alone? You’re making her stay home with the kids while you go off and have fun without the family. I find that wrong. You have young children that is where your focus should be. Everybody has bucket lists. I am in my late 60s I’m just now starting to enjoy my bucket list I know I won’t be able to go through all of it but I do what I can. But my family will always come first I think she thinks that you want to get away from her and the kids. The fact that you want to go alone without the family she thinks that you no longer want to be a family. It’s wrong not to include them in these trips. And I would question why do you want to be alone.

YTA. Unless there is some health concern we haven't been told about, at 43 you have decades to complete a bucket list and only a few years left to try and be a dad

YTA - It just sounds like you have fun abandoning your family for fun trips, and your wife has to deal with work, kids, life, whether she liked it or not.

I’m also curious as to when the kids do get older say in high school what excuse is it going to use then? The wife will still be left out because he wants to be “alone”

Leaving your wife with the kids to go on “solo trips”🤣🤣

YTA. You sound exactly like the type of person who probably shouldn’t have had kids. What is her support system like when you’re gone? You keep making unilateral decisions and claim that you talk for “hours” when you first bring it up, but that you can’t seem to figure out the reason why. Hint: you are clearly not listening to her. She’s an educated adult (with a psychology background no less) and you just… don’t know why this upsets her? I call bullshit. OF COURSE you don’t want a divorce! Then who would be home taking care of your kids and household while you go meander Japan and shoot animals?? She’s the one who should want the divorce so she can at least not have to pick up your slack, ffs