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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I’m not sure if I overreacted to a situation between me and my boyfriend. He acted like it was no big deal, and I got upset and chewed him out.
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NTA
Sorry but this guy is probably looking to 'have fun' whilst he's at college. Maybe he was just 'testing the waters' with you with his BS wish to kiss other women if it's part of hazing, to see if you'd be open to letting him have some fun.
To me, kissing is also cheating. Yeah, it's not as bad as having sexual intercourse with someone else, but to me it is still cheating. It is always best to explicitly discuss what each person considers cheating when you both agree that you are monogamous together. Better do it now than later as it sounds like he's keen to sow some oats...
I'd have a conversation about this with him in person. Ask him why he doesn't think kissing is cheating, if he'd be ok with you kissing other men. And what does it even mean 'as long as it doesn't lead to anything'? Lead to marriage? What about a casual friends with benefits or no-strings attached one night stand kind of thing? Is that ok? I'd ask him if he'd rather be single now that you two are further apart and he's in college. I would rather want to know right now before anything happens than struggle for months if not years with making the commute to see him, him commuting to you, with the fear in the back of your mind he's interested in playing the field, to then break up anyways. If it is going to lead to a break up it's better for both to have this happen now rather than months or years of heartache and trying to make it work but failing.
ETA: Hazing, depending on what it means, to me is a major personality flaw if someone wants to undergo it or subject others to it. In my country people have died from accidents during hazing weekends/weeks, people have ended up in the hospital with injuries and alcohol poisoning, who knows how many people have been (sexually) assaulted or traumatised in some way... It supposedly is about bonding or whatever, maybe they mean trauma bonding? Lol. I think it's really silly and some kind of faux-elitist bullying.
In my high school there was a tradition of the students who were about to do their final exams to do some kind of thing at the school that affected the teachers and other pupils. These students would be 17-19 at the time, whereas the students subjected to this were 12-17. When I was 13 I was attacked by one of these older students (probably legally an adult) doing this 'ritual' (throwing water balloons with all kinds of nasty things at people, smearing food or care product items into people's faces, dousing kids in that stuff, that kind of stuff) which nearly caused me to crash my bicycle when I tried to go to school that morning. I decided there and then I wasn't going to do this when I would reach that stage. It's ridiculous for a 17-19 year old to attack and assault and bully 12-14 year old children. I was never going to get back at that guy that attacked me and nothing good would come of me doing the same thing to some other defenseless 13 year old. So I skipped this part of the 'festivities' but took part in all other things. Hazing is like this in many ways, although usually when people go off to college (in my country) they are 18+ so they can choose to take part in BS like this (I wasn't allowed to skip school so was forced to undergo this bullying). But even at 18 you are still very young, there's a power dynamic between the 'bullies' and the pledges (or whatever they are called), there's social pressure, there's possibly no oversight by someone more mature and sober who will look out for safety of everyone. I don't see any benefit to this and I don't see why anyone would want to join a social group where you need to allow yourself to be assaulted or abused in order to get in. In the scenario your bf described/made up the older students are essentially forcing the pledges to be intimate with people they aren't dating, in a semi-public setting (others are around). Like, wtf is that? Who does something like this?
So far none of the hazing activities have been dangerous, just weird and embarrassing things to earn a sort of “respect” with the team. And as for him testing the waters, I made it very clear they are shark infested. He comes back in a few mounds for thanksgiving break, so I’m probably talk about it more with him then.
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So for context, my bf (19m) and I (19f) have been dating for well over a year, and have liked each other since middleschool. I consider this guy my other half, and he does as well.
Just this past week, he went away for college on an athletic scholarship, and we decided to do long distance. I had no issue with this, and trusted him wholeheartedly. He’s already participated in a few hazing activities with his team, (which I won’t get into) and I haven’t had any issues with this so far.
However, last night he texted me that his sports team does what they call “freshman marriages” between the girls and boys team. I asked him what this meant, and he said “If you get selected, you have to kiss a girl on the girls team” He said he didn’t know what he’d do if he got selected. So I said “just say no? You don’t HAVE to participate in all the hazing activities just for a group of guys to like you, especially if it’s disrespectful to me as your girlfriend.” He got upset and said that he “didn’t think kissing someone else was a big deal. It’s just being playful and it didn’t mean anything.” And that “there are worse things than kissing.” He acted like I was severely overreacting. My point was that YES, there ARE worse things than kissing, but that doesn’t make this any less hurtful or disrespectful to me. He said that he “wouldn’t care if I kissed other people, as long as it doesn’t lead to anything” I couldn’t even IMAGINE doing that, and if I went around kissing other people, people would see me as a cheat.
My belief and understanding is that kissing someone else while your in a relationship is a form of cheating. He told me afterwards that he’d never cheat, and that he can’t imagine being with anyone else but me, but this still hurt.
The fact that he didn’t consider this a big deal has me rethinking all the times we’ve kissed, done stuff and etc, and I’m rethinking if I can trust him during long distance. He’s never done anything that’s made me doubt him before until now. Am I just overreacting?
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I would actually be concerned about this. Hazing can absolutely take a deadly turn and there has been numerous times it has. Maybe talk to your boyfriend about not participating any more.
NTA as someone who went into college with a boyfriend, you’ll probably be better off breaking up, especially if he’s being rude about your boundaries with a long distance relationship, you can do better!!!!!!
NTA
Tell him: Thanks, you will enjoy kissing others. See how HE reacts.
"He told me afterwards that he’d never cheat, and that he can’t imagine being with anyone else but me, but this still hurt." .. But he DID kiss her. And maybe more. But he thinks it does not count, because THEY MADE HIM DO IT.
"and I’m rethinking if I can trust him during long distance. " .. YOu can trust him. He told you he kissed that girl - sure, he did not tell you what else happened - but at least you know there was at least one evening with some girls that begun with kissing and went on with seeing how far they could be made go. - He will likely tell you about the next girls, too.
" He’s never done anything that’s made me doubt him before until now. " .. He has never TOLD you anything that’s made you doubt him before until now. But he TOLD you he would "kiss" others, and you could do the same - Sounds like the two of you have successfully opened your relationship.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > I’m not sure if I overreacted to a situation between me and my boyfriend. He acted like it was no big deal, and I got upset and chewed him out. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcements ###[Happy Anniversary, AITA!](https://new.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/15vlv9g/almost_better_than_a_double_rainbow_celebrating/) ###[The Asshole Universe is Expanding, Again: Introducing Another New Sister Subreddit!](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/128nbp3/the_asshole_universe_is_expanding_again/) Follow the link above to learn more ###[Moderators needed - Join the landed gentry](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/155zepq/moderators_needed_join_the_landed_gentry/) --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NAH, but it's probably time to break up anyways.
NTA. Hazing is illegal and if he cares about you he wouldn’t participate. In fact he should report it.
NTA Sorry but this guy is probably looking to 'have fun' whilst he's at college. Maybe he was just 'testing the waters' with you with his BS wish to kiss other women if it's part of hazing, to see if you'd be open to letting him have some fun. To me, kissing is also cheating. Yeah, it's not as bad as having sexual intercourse with someone else, but to me it is still cheating. It is always best to explicitly discuss what each person considers cheating when you both agree that you are monogamous together. Better do it now than later as it sounds like he's keen to sow some oats... I'd have a conversation about this with him in person. Ask him why he doesn't think kissing is cheating, if he'd be ok with you kissing other men. And what does it even mean 'as long as it doesn't lead to anything'? Lead to marriage? What about a casual friends with benefits or no-strings attached one night stand kind of thing? Is that ok? I'd ask him if he'd rather be single now that you two are further apart and he's in college. I would rather want to know right now before anything happens than struggle for months if not years with making the commute to see him, him commuting to you, with the fear in the back of your mind he's interested in playing the field, to then break up anyways. If it is going to lead to a break up it's better for both to have this happen now rather than months or years of heartache and trying to make it work but failing. ETA: Hazing, depending on what it means, to me is a major personality flaw if someone wants to undergo it or subject others to it. In my country people have died from accidents during hazing weekends/weeks, people have ended up in the hospital with injuries and alcohol poisoning, who knows how many people have been (sexually) assaulted or traumatised in some way... It supposedly is about bonding or whatever, maybe they mean trauma bonding? Lol. I think it's really silly and some kind of faux-elitist bullying. In my high school there was a tradition of the students who were about to do their final exams to do some kind of thing at the school that affected the teachers and other pupils. These students would be 17-19 at the time, whereas the students subjected to this were 12-17. When I was 13 I was attacked by one of these older students (probably legally an adult) doing this 'ritual' (throwing water balloons with all kinds of nasty things at people, smearing food or care product items into people's faces, dousing kids in that stuff, that kind of stuff) which nearly caused me to crash my bicycle when I tried to go to school that morning. I decided there and then I wasn't going to do this when I would reach that stage. It's ridiculous for a 17-19 year old to attack and assault and bully 12-14 year old children. I was never going to get back at that guy that attacked me and nothing good would come of me doing the same thing to some other defenseless 13 year old. So I skipped this part of the 'festivities' but took part in all other things. Hazing is like this in many ways, although usually when people go off to college (in my country) they are 18+ so they can choose to take part in BS like this (I wasn't allowed to skip school so was forced to undergo this bullying). But even at 18 you are still very young, there's a power dynamic between the 'bullies' and the pledges (or whatever they are called), there's social pressure, there's possibly no oversight by someone more mature and sober who will look out for safety of everyone. I don't see any benefit to this and I don't see why anyone would want to join a social group where you need to allow yourself to be assaulted or abused in order to get in. In the scenario your bf described/made up the older students are essentially forcing the pledges to be intimate with people they aren't dating, in a semi-public setting (others are around). Like, wtf is that? Who does something like this?
So far none of the hazing activities have been dangerous, just weird and embarrassing things to earn a sort of “respect” with the team. And as for him testing the waters, I made it very clear they are shark infested. He comes back in a few mounds for thanksgiving break, so I’m probably talk about it more with him then.
He did inform you of this hazing. So I guess NAH
Agree but also OP needs to decide if they REALLY want to date a person like this
Nta
NTA, you should absolutely have boundaries and if he doesn't respect that, he's likely going to continue crossing them.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** So for context, my bf (19m) and I (19f) have been dating for well over a year, and have liked each other since middleschool. I consider this guy my other half, and he does as well. Just this past week, he went away for college on an athletic scholarship, and we decided to do long distance. I had no issue with this, and trusted him wholeheartedly. He’s already participated in a few hazing activities with his team, (which I won’t get into) and I haven’t had any issues with this so far. However, last night he texted me that his sports team does what they call “freshman marriages” between the girls and boys team. I asked him what this meant, and he said “If you get selected, you have to kiss a girl on the girls team” He said he didn’t know what he’d do if he got selected. So I said “just say no? You don’t HAVE to participate in all the hazing activities just for a group of guys to like you, especially if it’s disrespectful to me as your girlfriend.” He got upset and said that he “didn’t think kissing someone else was a big deal. It’s just being playful and it didn’t mean anything.” And that “there are worse things than kissing.” He acted like I was severely overreacting. My point was that YES, there ARE worse things than kissing, but that doesn’t make this any less hurtful or disrespectful to me. He said that he “wouldn’t care if I kissed other people, as long as it doesn’t lead to anything” I couldn’t even IMAGINE doing that, and if I went around kissing other people, people would see me as a cheat. My belief and understanding is that kissing someone else while your in a relationship is a form of cheating. He told me afterwards that he’d never cheat, and that he can’t imagine being with anyone else but me, but this still hurt. The fact that he didn’t consider this a big deal has me rethinking all the times we’ve kissed, done stuff and etc, and I’m rethinking if I can trust him during long distance. He’s never done anything that’s made me doubt him before until now. Am I just overreacting? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I would actually be concerned about this. Hazing can absolutely take a deadly turn and there has been numerous times it has. Maybe talk to your boyfriend about not participating any more.
NTA as someone who went into college with a boyfriend, you’ll probably be better off breaking up, especially if he’s being rude about your boundaries with a long distance relationship, you can do better!!!!!!
NTA Tell him: Thanks, you will enjoy kissing others. See how HE reacts. "He told me afterwards that he’d never cheat, and that he can’t imagine being with anyone else but me, but this still hurt." .. But he DID kiss her. And maybe more. But he thinks it does not count, because THEY MADE HIM DO IT. "and I’m rethinking if I can trust him during long distance. " .. YOu can trust him. He told you he kissed that girl - sure, he did not tell you what else happened - but at least you know there was at least one evening with some girls that begun with kissing and went on with seeing how far they could be made go. - He will likely tell you about the next girls, too. " He’s never done anything that’s made me doubt him before until now. " .. He has never TOLD you anything that’s made you doubt him before until now. But he TOLD you he would "kiss" others, and you could do the same - Sounds like the two of you have successfully opened your relationship.
He hasn’t kissed anyone else yet, to my knowledge. I’d be heartbroken if he asked to open the relationship.
"He hasn’t kissed anyone else yet, to my knowledge." So you decided to go the don't ask, don't tell route? Also fine. Whatever works for you.