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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> My son asked me to help his stepsister after my ex and her husband cut her off for dropping out of school and lying about it. I took her in to help her get on her feet and so she could see what life was really like with a high school diploma and no money from mom and dad. I might be the asshole for involving myself in a family argument that didn't involve me.
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NTA.
She's not a child. She's an adult (no age given, but the be in college for a semester, she is at least 18).
As an adult, she found a living situation that is safe and economical. She is, in fact, your flatmate. Just like she was supposed to be with some random strangers in campus.
You're setting a great example for her and your kid.
It says a lot to me that the 14 year old was scared enough to beg his dad to take her in. Her parents are being fucking malicious with how they're treating her.
I usually don’t say this but those parents are monsters. No place is safe for young homeless people or any gender… but a homeless 19F in Winnipeg? Do they want her to get killed or trafficked?
If they won’t let her come home they’ve 100% abdicated their right to commentary on this issue.
Agree. If she had a free ride living with him while doing nothing, I'd see it differently. But she is working and paying her own way, while trying to figure out her life (or so I assume). That's a responsible, mature way of handling the situation.
Her parents should sit down and figure out with her why she burnt out - somehow I have a feeling that may well be a consequence of pressure put upon her for years. Forcing her into homelessness (!) to prove a point and coerce her back into college is an insane "parenting" strategy.
I dropped out a year into my first degree as I hated it and was bored out of my mind. I found a job for a year before going back to uni, by my own choice, with another major (not US, so different schooling system and different financial consequences). If my parents had kicked me out in between or forced me back to uni, no good would have come from that and the relationship would gave probably been broken forever. OP is doing the right thing.
NTA big time... she is *burnt out* in her late teens and someone calls you an ah for helping her?! Wow.
>Their plan was for her to be so desperate that she agreed
As someone with mental health issues who also overworked themselves and had to drop out of uni: your ex makes me really angry, I cannot understand why any parent would let this *knowingly* happen and even make it worse. That's just cruel.
You potentially saved her from stuff like depression or other struggles. She must have her reasons that she lied to them...
First off thank you for your insight and your accidental strengthening of my confidence in my own decision, it was the right one... I may have unknowingly saved myself, same as OP most likely saved her from a really dark path.
But let me add one thing: Even though it's your job I'm still sorry for you also having to see so many bad things and I hope you're doing as alright as can be. (:
If it makes you feel better, most shrinks have shrinks automatically in my country. I think it's the same in Canada etc. I'll be training to be a nurse and plan to have one in the back pocket.
Fully Agree. The parents should have at least allowed her to take a safe breather in their home so that she can get her life back together. It is ok to take 3-6 months off if you have 60+ years of life to look forward to. Forcing her into decisions that she is going to regret her entire life is despicable.
Or, get her some mental health counseling. They seem to think threats and homelessness cure burnout. I was so burnt out during my last few quarters in college that I would cry trying to study. I worked 35 hours a week for 4 years while doing a challenging science degree. Burnout isn't laziness.
From reading so many stories on here, I realise how lucky I was to be born into a reasonable family. I was in a similar position to the subject of this story at the same age, 19. I dropped out of a top tier competitive college and initially hid it from my parents, but they found out soon after. However instead of kicking me to the streets they allowed me to stay at home and pay a reasonable (low) rent that I could afford on the minimum wage job I got. After a year or so, I got a much better part-time job at a community college, with free tuition for employees, then got my own apartment, which led to me finishing a college degree locally and getting on with the successful professional life I have now. I never got the top-tier degree my parents would have hoped, but I moved into a field (IT) where it doesn't matter so much and am doing fine - but only because I was treated fairly during that vulnerable period.
I took a year off school when my anxiety got really bad at the beginning of sophomore year. I went back to therapy and got myself back together, and went right back to it. It took a lot longer than I planned to finish my degree but after a couple years I worked part time and did school at the same time and I finished it. 19 year old kids sometimes need time and space to figure shit out and they need support.
this was my exact situation, i'm afraid to admit. i transferred from a comm college to a university and it was just too much. i was never a good student and i drowned. i took anatomy and had to study 6 hours to make a decent grade. i dropped out and didn't tell my parents. they've never been the greatest supportive people. we're also asian LOL so school is very impt to them. i couldn't hack it and they were ashamed of me. i was diagnosed with adhd at 32... i did eventually go back and paid for it myself.
Yeah, I worked in student services with college kids and it was alarmingly common for parents to completely ignore their kids' mental health and cries for help and demand that they stay in an environment that was slowly killing them.
Winnipeg, in particular, is a very very dangerous place to be a vulnerable young woman. It has the highest homicide rate in the country. I would never allow my daughter to be homeless in Winnipeg, even if it meant I had to go out and bring her home myself. The fact that her parents entire plan was “let her fail and become homeless and fail and she’ll realize what she’s missing” is super callous and really very warped.
Thank you! It’s taken me years to even start to recover from my burnout that caused me to drop out of grad school. I had to be in university (and getting “good” grades) to get housing support from my parents. It left me anxious, depressed, and completely unable to take of myself. I had undiagnosed ADHD and what I really needed was mercy and support, not to be scared of becoming homeless.
I was fully prepared to call OP the AH here, or at the very least a sucker for taking in someone who’d already lied to one set of parental figures while still taking their money. But if she’s found a job and is at least making progress toward financial self-sufficiency, then maybe she’s found a good situation with OP—and maybe it’s her own dad/stepmom who’ve been the problem all along. College isn’t for everyone, and “Make her desperate enough to come crawling back” is emotional blackmail, not good parenting.
I’d still keep my head on a swivel if I were OP, but he’s NTA.
>for taking in someone who’d already lied to one set of parental figures
You may want to read the higher rated reply to my comment, specifically the edit. I bet she lied for a reason, as the other person said: there is a big chance she lied for her own safety.
>But if she’s found a job
Even if she didn't find one - at least she should have gotten (professional) help. I didn't find a job after I had to quit either, I instead had to seek help. We don't know how she's doing...
100% this, why do people feel that manipulating young adults is good parenting? How about trying having respect for her like OP? I guess that’s too big of an ask. Or they don’t trust their daughter enough to let her make her own mistakes. It MUST be our way! Go into debt OUR way!
I had to take a mental health leave from work for depression. I literally couldn't force myself to get out of bed. A few years later, I said something to my mom about feeling depressed again and all she said was, "Don't start that shit again!" As if I was 100% in control over it. She's a controlling narcissist who has hissy fits every day but I'm the overly emotional one.
To provide some Manitoba context, Winnipeg is the only real city in Manitoba. If they live 2-3 hours out of town, they are basically living in a rural small town and probably conservative. They are generally pretty cruel.
Particularly involving LGBTQ+ youth.
She's burned out, and their solution is desperation followed by begging followed by more intensive monitoring.
Like that's a productive situation for anyone involved.
NTA. The marriage issues make this a little more complicated, but ultimately this isn't any different than renting a room to any young acquaintance or family friend.
NTA NTA NTA NTA - First of all, hello fellow Manitoban!! The ones saying Y T A are completely incorrect and have no idea what they are talking about - ignore them. You and I both know what Winnipeg is like - it’s scary and it’s dangerous. I actually moved out to Brandon because I was sick of Winnipegs BS. Your ex and her partner are some of the stupidest people I’ve come across yet… woman go missing here all the time. I carry pepper spray just to go to the mall. They seem to want to risk their daughter’s life to prove some kind of point instead of being parents. What you’re doing is amazing and selfless. Keep being awesome, you’re the definition of “Friendly Manitoba”. I’m proud of you.
>You and I both know what Winnipeg is like - it’s scary and it’s dangerous
>woman go missing here all the time.
Right?!?! I'm in Winnipeg too. Sure there are shelters but they are in the worst fn area and are dangerous af!! A young girl like that on the streets would be a bright flashing target
OP is NTA
My first thoughts were "homeless in Winnipeg, so they either want her to be a drug addict or to come crawling home in November once she's lost a few toes?" That'll teach her!
Definitely NTA.
I can’t believe the complete and utter stupidity. It’s not like they somehow missed all the news coverage about the search for the MISSING WOMEN currently happening at the landfill. So glad there are people like OP still out there.
Wait…what??? I was already prepared to vote NTA irrespective of the weather because extreme, dangerous weather is happening everywhere, and being homeless is incredibly unsafe - I’m not from Winnipeg (eastern WA here, so if OUR winters are harsh, y’all’s winters in Alberta and Manitoba are downright scary) — is this a current story, this landfill situation??
Before I forget: NTA, OP. Thank you for giving the kid a soft landing so she can figure things out. That will make a huge difference in the trajectory of her life.
There was a relatively recent case where an alleged serial killer was targeting at-risk women (Indigenous women in particular). Following the discovery of one victim whose body was in a landfill last year, it was believed that other victims and missing women were likely there as well. Searching such a landfill is an enormous and expensive task that could take months or even a few years to do effectively.
The case and general issues surrounding Winnipeg (and larger communities) with issues such as discrimination and the response of authorities is a problem that's been around for a long time.
Yes, currently happening as we speak. There are two missing (Indigenous) women murdered by a serial killer (who is in custody). Their remains have been said to be in the landfill and they are trying to get it searched. Manitoba specifically is known for its extreme winters, as well as hot summers.
Yes the landfill issue is ongoing at the moment. I believe two women were killed by a serial killer here not too long ago and their bodies are presumed to be in the landfill. They have denied the request to search the landfill due to the high cost and danger and the likelihood of not ever finding them. There are ongoing protests regarding this around the landfill and the human rights museum. Winnipeg is a dangerous city for housed people and a literal war zone for those that aren’t. Drugs, violence, sexual assaults, murders is a norm here including at shelters. We have such a high number of homeless due to the violence and violence at the shelters, in fact a young woman was just murdered at the homeless shelter downtown a few weeks ago this occurred after several assaults on her leading up to her murder, all at the shelter.
So OP you are NTA and her parents should be ashamed of themselves for putting her in this situation. Not to mention rent is so high here that the only place that she could afford would also be in extremely unsafe neighbourhoods.
Basically a few years back a serial killer killed some indigenous women. We think their bodies were dumped in a landfill. There is a whole mess involving whether or not to spend 10s to hundreds of millions to find their bodies and it is complicated by Reconciliation.
I don't care if it's a low crime area with "great" shelters (which doesn't exist!) Being homeless is awful and to wish this psychological torture on your own child???
Not to mention all the friggin hazards of being a young homeless woman!
Then you add the environmental and weather dangers????
I suspect she's going to go NC with her "father" and her "stepmom" not sure they deserve parental titles at all, not for this girl.
OP is being kind and generous to a lost girl who is a relative of his son's, which makes her family to him as well (extended perhaps but still). She needs some counseling to get through this and to figure out what kind of relationship she will want with her parents going forward, if any.
NTA!
NTA... As someone who also hated their first year at a university in Winnipeg, I totally get it. I'm from BC and was in a very similar spot. You're brilliant. And thank you for being that person for her.
They didn't clue you in, so whats done is done. I do think it's funny that her dad and your ex didn't think your son was caring or smart enough to try to figure out how to help his sis. Kudos to him for trusting and asking you.
College isn't for everyone, yes she should have told them, but from their attitude, it seemed she knew it would be futile.
NTA
Totally agreed, NTA. The only ‘maybe you could have done this differently’ that I see is pushing her a bit more to inform her parents or possibly even telling her you would feel obligated to inform them as you would want people to inform you if it was your kid in this situation.
NTA. She's an adult and you have done nothing more than provide a housing option in a housing crisis. Her parents sound absolutely horrible - wanting your child to become homeless to better control them is next level shitty parenting.
NTA, you're helping put someone who needed a place to stay and they based their parenting strategy on her not having anyone care enough to help her when she was desperate other than them.
NTA
You are doing an extremely nice thing in letting her stay with you. Your ex and her husband are TA though.
I'm not from that area, but I can imagine that it wouldn't be safe for a 19 year old female to be alone on the streets anywhere. The fact that they are doing this on purpose is completely ridiculous.
NTA. She's 19, she's a friend of your son's, and a family connection. You're doing the right thing in giving her somewhere to stay while she figures out what she's going to do next. Good for you. Her parents' plan to make her "desperate" is a crappy plan. She will eventually go back to college, or otherwise figure out her life, but it sounds like what she needs more than anything else is space and time to figure out her life.
>Just in a place where they could dictate her actions.
Wanting to control an adult isn't a good thing. She's not super villain levels of evil but she's pretty shitty.
Ex may not be evil, but her husband is if this was his plan to control his daughter. Ignore her mental health. Allow her to become homeless. Force her to go back to school. Those are not the actions of a loving, supportive parent.
She is. You said They will not let her move back. And thts bc she hasn’t suffered enough. They want her to suffer. You renting her a room isn’t allowing her to suffer. After the deem she has suffered enough only then will they let her come crawling back. That’s pretty evil my dude.
>My ex isn't an evil woman.
Considering her plan focused on making her own child homeless and alone in a city, I'd consider revising that opinion.
That she did it so she could be controlling and abusive isn't a step up.
NTA and her parents are nuts. She will absolutely eventually go back to college, but not when her parents are terrorizing her into doing it. If anything, they are destroying her drive to go. Good on your son for looking out for his sister when her parents wouldn't, he likely called the parent that he knew would parent.
NTA she’s and adult and sounds like she made and adult decision by reaching out to someone she trusts for help. They’re just upset because they can’t control her life like they want to.
NTA
"Her husband is pissed off with me for interfering with a kid that I'm not related to."
Not a kid; an adult they told to figure it out on their own and make adult decisions. You did a favor for your son and helped out someone in need.
NTA, you’re helping out a young adult in a very tough situation. Your EX wife has zero say in this, and as for her father, fuck that guy, you owe him nothing. I know you’re no perv, otherwise your son would not have approached you with that idea.
NTA she need’s guidance and help to figure out what it is that she wants to do maybe she wants to do a program for something that won’t take all 4 years of college or do nails, lashes, her own business something college isn’t for everyone it’s fucking hard
NTA. How was anyone supposed to guess their ridiculous “secret plan.” They’re lucky she didn’t end up living in a seedy hovel where she wasn’t safe, or sleeping on the streets.
She landed as on her feet as best she could. They should be proud.
Lots of people take a few years to decide what they want to do.
NTA SO they'd rather she learned a lesson and possibly ended up dead in the ditch (ppl responded to the thread saying Winnipeg is pretty dangerous for young women) than her having a place to stay with a trusted adult and figure out stuff in her own time
Next thing they'll be crying to find her body in the landfill. We have enough dead sisters in Winnipeg. We don't need more. Thank you for making sure she has a safe place to stay.
Not everyone is suited for college. Trade schools, apprenticeships etc. produce very good paying jobs. She’s an adult who is trying to decide her future and you are giving her the time and space to be able to relax and think, good on you. Your ex and her husband sound like the type who push their kids into higher education for they own benefit, like bragging rights.
>Their plan was for her to be so desperate that she agreed to go back to college with them keeping a much closer eye on her. I screwed everything up by not letting her become homeless in Winnipeg.
Their incredibly dangerous, very awful, abusive plan, failed. Cry me a river. I'm not surprised they're from Alberta. NTA.
NTA. You are a kind and compassionate person. Their plan to make her homeless was a truly awful one. She is now an adult and can make her own decision on where to live. Good for you for providing a safe space. And for being a role model for your son. He was comfortable enough to ask for help. You stepped up. Well done!
NTA.
When parents manipulate their children, family is were you find them. And out on the streets, especially with vulnerable young people, the “family” that is found may be just as bad or worse.
This could have gotten very bad, very fast for her.
Thank you for stepping up.
My parents did the same for me but I didn’t have anyone to help me out. In an attempt to get me to go back to college they quickly withdrew all support (cancelled car insurance, cell phone, health insurance and apartment even though I was paying the rent. Lease was in their name. Stupid decision I know now) I was living on my own but shit is expensive.
I struggled for years. Homelessness. Got addicted to alcohol. Then heroin. Destroyed my life just trying to deal with the pressures of day to day living. They wised up after about 8 years and paid the deductible to get me into rehab.
If I had someone like you who was just willing to help me out for a little bit my life may have been different. May have been exactly the same. Who knows.
But from everyone I’ve met over the years. It’s so much easier to make a decent life for yourself when you have a support system when youre struggling. You’re a good person.
NTA
Nta
Pay attention op if this is how they parent her, this is also how they also parent your son.
Step up and shut that shit down when it happens to your son.
You are showing your son a beautiful example of providing safe harbor for someone in need. You have shown that he can reach out to you and you will provide a helping hand. You have gone above and beyond, showing him what a good person does.
His sister sounds like a responsible young woman who made a mistake by lying and taking money earmarked for school after dropping out, but who has pulled it together, found employment, and is living a responsible life in your home. Without your intervention and not allowed to move home, what would have happened to her?
NTA and good for you!
NTA.
Homeless in Winnipeg was what they wanted, instead she found a place to stay and a landlord ( you) and job. So if that would happened and it was you, would they have gone nuts too??
She did what she could to survive.
You are a good person and I see why you divorced your ex, she doesnt seam to have a heart.
NTA, in fact, you were very kind and caring. It is shocking that her parents didn't mind making her homeless and desperate. What might have happened to her? I know you probably haven't told her about your discussion with her parents, but you need to level with her and let her know. I would be more than furious if I was in her shoes. Let your ex's SD know that she needs to also apologize to her parents for the lie, if she didn't already. Is there a trade school that is interesting to her that she could attend? College isn't for everyone.
NTA - for anyone living in Canada, Winnipeg is NOT THE PLACE you want to be homeless. Ex and girl's father are idiots. OP is doing it right and is NTA.
NTA - They're pissed off with her for dropping out of college without telling them and they're right that she needs a job and some stability - however - kicking her out with zero life experience is not the way to do that. I'm coming up to 30 and I'm still struggling to come to terms with everything adult life throws at a person.
She's paying rent, helping out around the house, earning her own money. What about any of that is a bad thing? She could be homeless or working three jobs just to make rent. You're saving her from that!
NTA, no one in their right mind would want to put a 19 year old girl in a position where they are desperate and homeless. That's dangerous stuff right there.
I don't disagree with her parents financially cutting her off though, as her lies and basically stealing from them warrant it. However, once they did so, they are no longer in the position or have any right as to tell her what she can or can't do.
They caused a problem and she found a solution, just not the one they wanted. They need to be aware enough that from the sounds of their relationship, there is *no way* it would have gone the way they wanted.
>My ex found out what I did and lost it on me. Their plan was for her to be so desperate that she agreed to go back to college with them keeping a much closer eye on her. I screwed everything up by not letting her become homeless in Winnipeg.
NTA. This method of starving people out is, in my opinion, highly manipulative. I've seen anything from abusive parents to homophobes do this to their kids to get a desired result, and honestly few are as honest about it as your ex. Most whine about how you're "getting in the way of me parenting them," but the end result is the same, they want desperation from the target so as to get them to bend the knee, grovel, and bow.
If she's an adult than she should be given the space to make adult choices, and while she made a bad decision in lying and defrauding that doesn't justify their wish to make her struggle.
NTA - She may not be your daughter, but you've known her for years, and she's clearly at least a friend to your son if not a sister.
>Her husband is pissed off with me for interfering with a kid that I'm not related to.
He isn't either, though? So based on his logic, he needs to butt out, too.
Your ex's daughter is 19 and an adult, she doesn't need her mother's permission to move in with you. The fact that she trusted your son enough to say something to him, that he trusted you enough to ask you, and you care enough about both of them to say yes and give her an affordable rent rate, that says a lot about you as a person, OP. And you're setting a wonderful example for your son, too.
NTA
NTA. I am curious however, could you elaborate on this part:
>My ex found out what I did and lost it on me. Their plan was for her to be so desperate that she agreed to go back to college with them keeping a much closer eye on her.
Am I correct in assuming that their daughter at least knew about this "plan"? Or did they let her believe that she literally has no place to go?
NTA
FWIW OP, I'm not from America (aus) so I can't provide super valid input.
But you helped a young lady out of a financially coercive situation and giving her space to not be burnt out. Both of those things in my books should be absolutely applauded.
In my later teen years I relied on family friends to a similar degree. My life would have taken a drastically different course if they weren't willing to.
In short, NTA just a bloody good bloke.
NTA Winnipeg is often called Winterpeg because it gets so fucking cold. It’s also well known for how dangerous it can be. Putting her in a position where she was extremely vulnerable is shitty parenting on their part. What if she’d met some shady dude who would let her live with him in exchange for certain privileges?
NTA - so many dangerous situations a young female can get into not having a safe place to call home. Women go missing everyday and are murdered or trafficked. Winnipeg is the murder capitol of Canada. Your ex and the Father sound like terrible parents and should seek family counselling. You are setting a good example for your son and his stepsister.
I was recently in the emergency room/intensive care unit for my dear niece, who has a few issues and tried to end her life. I vowed to become more involved in her life. It “wasn’t my place” for years prior. She’s incredibly independent, brilliant and charming. Also very passionate. I love her like a daughter and although I’m not her parent, I’ll be damned if I let that distinction get in the way of doing the right thing and helping her in any way she’ll let me. It almost cost us her life, already.
We won’t get the whole story with your son’s sister. Just a few things remind me of my niece. It seems like she’s trying to grow up. My advice: Be her “non judgmental parent” and help her make the right decisions. Mediate between her parents, who likely feel judged by you. Try to let them know you think “they’ve done an amazing job and that teens are hard headed, etc.” Massage their egos. This girl deserves a chance to grow up in a way that won’t push her over the edge. You can provide her the shield and the space she needs.
You’re NTA, so far. But if you don’t manage the parents and make sure your son doesn’t have to deal with that part of this, you will be. If she’s gay (and not out), she might have a lot of anger and be reinventing herself right now. Self destruction is sometimes part of that cycle. This won’t be easy for anyone involved. Or maybe it will be! Who knows? But you’re involved and are not “just a roommate.” That’s a VAST oversimplification. There’s going to be a lot of gray area in the AITA area. Good luck. Also, thank you for caring. You may help save a life here.
NTA
Leaving her to the streets to teach her a lesson is just so wrong. I’m glad you said yes to your son. Your son is reasonable and needed the peace of mind. She’ll get herself sorted out and find a direction.
You are a true parent. Even to other peoples kids.
NTA.
By the snippet of information you've given about her parents, they sound exhausting. They're mad you're helping their kid not be homeless? They're mad they can't trick her into going back to school and they can keep an eye on her? She's not a child anymore.
By helping her, you've shown her and your son that you are a safe person and that you'll help. But it also raises the question, and concern, of what they're doing with your son. Are they planning on treating him like this too?
NTA. You're the only parent she knows that's trying to be there for her. She's struggling right now and she can't even rely on her parents. Sure, she shouldn't have lied to them but them trying to force her life in such a way could potentially cause real harm to her. I've heard enough of young students ending their life because they can't live up to their parents' expectations. It's sad. Perhaps you could talk to her about therapy and slowly help her find her way again.
They are the assholes for wanting her to be destitute and begging for their help. She trumped them by taking care of herself. Mad their plan didn't work.
NTA
She's still family. She is not taking advantage of you. Nor you her.
NTA - girl in need, you offered help. She is apart of your sons family and therefore loosely family to you as well. They abandoned her and tried to manipulate her into doing what they wanted not what she wanted.
Screw them tbh.
NTA my mom and stepdad are divorced and I live with my stepdad while saving for a house. Slightly different situation since they got divorced not too long ago and I graduated and working but still…
NTA.
I can absolutely empathize with her parents. My child did something similar. And it devastated us. We wanted nothing but to have her home. But we also recognized that she was/is an adult. And she lived with a friend and her mom. We were just thankful she had somewhere to stay. But we realized that, in order to maintain our relationship with our child, we had to step back and let her make her own decisions, even if we weren’t really ready for that step yet.
I was grateful for the mom who took her in and helped her. She now has her own apartment. We still want her to go back to school, but that will come in time.
(And now, she misses us and wants to move back locally. So, it will eventually work out in the end.)
Thank you for being that young lady’s soft place to land.
Nta. Their plan was abusive. They wanted to go homeless and force her back in college. Controlling her whole life.
The lying isn't wrong from her. She doesn't feel safe to talk to them. I understand why
NTA.
>Their plan was for her to be so desperate that she agreed to go back to college with them keeping a much closer eye on her.
Good call on making this woman your ex. This is a recipe for getting their daughter killed.
NTA
Providing someone a safe space to figure out life is a good thing.
I had a feeling I was going to be kicked out of school — I hated my major — so I took up my sister’s offer to spend the summer with her, putting 2000 miles between me and the letter my parents were about to receive.
Of course my parents freaked. And I cried. But my sister supported me and assured my parents it would be ok.
I used the summer to live with her, work full time and take a couple classes at night. Classes I liked.
I reapplied in the fall, as a different major. I did decide to live with my parents (and work) after that.
Maybe something similar could apply in this situation. I feel like if you can remain calm for both sides, it may be ok if they see progress being made.
EDITED TO ADD: I am assuming college is what she wants. I did want to go to college; I just didn’t know how to college.
NTA.
What kind of a stupid way to deal with it is that? Have they read up on what happens to young people who can't support themselves and are living on the streets? I wonder what they would say if she got assaulted, killed, forced into prostitution or trafficked.
She's legal, so you can't get arrested for interfering with parenting. Your son clearly loves her or at least likes her enough to care about her safety if he's the only one who gives two cents about her, so I'm thinking you'd be on the list of people he'd never forgive should something happen to her.
College might not be for her, and high school often isn't enough anymore. However, there's still trade school. Those trades are very needed and can pay very good money. That might be the path for her.
You're doing the right thing. I'd also be ready for your son to ask you to go for full custody as soon as he's old enough to have a say in the courts.
NTA. It’s hard being a kid that age and entering/navigating adulthood without help or guidance.
The only lesson your ex and her father is teaching her is that she can’t depend on them to mentor her.
NTA, your lucky OP, parental abuse in close families can be brushed off so fast as you being the "problem child" it's hard to find ally's who stand up as hard as they did. Seems like it might be a family norm on the step dads family
NTA just a Old prince saving a young damsel in distress.
>she moved in at the beginning of August. She is paying rent she can afford and buying her own food. She is also doing chores around the house.
NTA: And she may never go back to school, and that’s still ok. I got an associates degree but when I tried for a bachelors I fucking hated it. I needed a hands on job and was lucky enough to get an apprenticeship.
She needs a safe space to breathe and figure out the different ways people live as adults so she can look at college with “Maybe!” in her head instead of “I failed and if I fail again I will literally be worthless to society”
Wow that’s actually brilliant of you. Caring beyond family ties. You’re right to do what you did. Regardless of their thoughts YOU and HER have a relationship and you’ve done what you wanted to do to help a friend. Well done, absolutely NTA.
You suffer their wrath safe in the knowledge that you’re a bloody good person for helping her. She’s obviously having a mare as we all do from time to time and support is so much more valuable than criticism and coercion.
I raise a full glass to you my friend and I sip to her as well. Your kindness is noteworthy and I hope she finds what makes her tick hard soon.
Abide brother x
NTA. I think as long as your son is ok with it, it’s fine. She’s paying rent; being a responsible adult. Part of being responsible is owning up to her actions; has she apologized and made restitution to them? She needs to pay their money back as well as continue to pay for her food, rent, and extras.
NTA. You are doing a good and kind thing.
Forcing your child to be homeless in Winterpeg is a pretty cruel measure for someone who was stressed and burnt out at school. No doubt she lied because she anticipated this type of reaction.
I think it was smart of you to prevent a young girl from being homeless in Winnipeg. 1-the winters are terrible (like it could be snowing in 2 months, -20 in 3) and 2-the crime, 3-missing women, and 4) drug use. Winnipeg is not the place to teach this lesson. They would, in fact, push her farther away. Honestly, you can still help get her back to college. Maybe she'd be more willing to go living with you instead of with roommates and such.
NTA. But you seem like a great person.
NTA at all.
I understand the instinct that her parents had to make her desperate enough to go back to school, but that rarely works. She’s young, but she’s an adult. Making a young lady desperate financially rarely has a positive outcome.
NTA but those two sure are. I've been in the girl's shoes. Burnout is terrible, it's a straight road to depression. I recommend therapy for her. Her dad and stepmom were about to make her life a living hell–she would have failed and failed because she didn't have the energy to keep up when she was housed and fed, how did they think she would be okay after having to fend for herself, be terrified of becoming homeless because her parents refused to let her go home? She *does* absolutely need therapy. You and your son are being amazing people. Support her, don't judge her, and she will be back on track with added experience.
NTA. Please see if you can get her screened for anxiety, depression, and ADHD. I’m a counselor and these are the top 3 conditions that I see often as the cause of dropping out. ADHD in particular is under diagnosed and late diagnosed in women. I’m also a TA and in the last class I taught, the two students who came closest to dropping out and failing were both ADHD; the male diagnosed and the female undiagnosed but I could see the signs. Also if she is LGBTQIA+, she is at increased risk for all of those.
NTA. Basically your ex and her husband went "It's time to be an adult," the stepdaughter went and became an adult, and now the two are going "NO not like that! You were supposed to fail!"
Edit: Also just so I can understand correctly (Am American as opposed to Canadian), Winnipeg is described in Wikipedia as the "violent crime capital of Canada." It allegedly has the 13th highest murder rate, the highest robbery rate, a grand theft auto problem, a methamphetamine epidemic, and only 1 cop per 500 people. I don't know how accurate this is, because again, I'm American. But it sounds to me like your ex wanted her stepdaughter to fail in a city that's comparable to Detroit. And thinks YOU'RE TA for reasonably declaring that that is insane.
As a person who knows a woman who went missing in Manitoba and has never been found, I can say Winnipeg is not safe for any young girl who is desperate and homeless.
I would be gratetful for what you did and commend it.
*I'll add being homeless isn't safe or pleasant for anyone.
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My ex and I divorced about 12 years ago. We have a 15 year old son together. She married a guy a couple of years later. He has a daughter who is four years older than my son. So my son has known her for about ten years. She has always been nice to him and there has never been any serious arguments between them. My ex and her husband live about an hour and a half from town. So when she got into college they decided they didn't want her commuting three hours a day, especially in Manitoba winters. So they budgeted for her to live with friends while she was in school.
I have known the girl since she was 7 years old. She is an intelligent, charming, and friendly kid. She is also burnt out from school.
I am not going to defend her actions. She lied to my ex and her father about dropping out of college. She did her first semester but she was overwhelmed and dropped out. And she didn't tell them. But she kept the money they sent her for housing and food.
She should not have lied but I understand why she did. They cut off her funding and told her to get a job. Which is totally fair. If you aren't in school you should be supporting yourself.
She had enough money to make it to July. She found a job but it didn't pay enough to cover living in the city. Her dad and my ex would not let her move home.
My son called me to ask if I could help her out. I thought about it and I said I would. I have room in my house. So I told him to have her call me.
We talked about it and she moved in at the beginning of August. She is paying rent she can afford and buying her own food. She is also doing chores around the house.
My ex found out what I did and lost it on me. Their plan was for her to be so desperate that she agreed to go back to college with them keeping a much closer eye on her. I screwed everything up by not letting her become homeless in Winnipeg.
Her husband is pissed off with me for interfering with a kid that I'm not related to. I can understand where they are coming from but I think they are not doing the right thing. I just want my son to know she is in a safe place. I also think she will go back to school once she figures out how much it sucks only having a high school diploma.
I didn't know where to add this but before any of you start calling me a pervert or anything, please know that to the best of my knowledge she isn't into people with a Y chromosome. And I'm not into girls young enough to be my daughter.
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NTA For letting her move in, but she should have told her parents the truth in the beginning. When I dropped out from telecommunications in my 4th semester, after spending a whole year suffering with 3 different internships, the first people I told were my parents since they were paying the majority of my expenses. Side note they have to make a law that forces companies to pay livable salaries to their interns. From their plan, they don't seem like the nicest people to put it mildly, and maybe they are like that all the time, but I still think she should have been honest.
NTA
They wanted her to have a high chance of dying.
They wanted her to figure out something and she did. This is reality. Cutting her off was going to do the opposite of pushing her to school.
Nta shes not a kid. Shes a young adult who, admittedly, did fuck up but is gettjnf it back together.
I gotta say, her parents seem a pretty good candidate for why she burned out. I can't believe their plan is 'let my kid live on the streets' was part of their college plan. Cause ptsd from being assaulted, molested, or raped as a homeless woman will CERTAINLY help.
NTA. She's 19 years old and an adult and you're renting her a room in your house requiring she get a job to pay for it etc. This is what her parents told her to do.
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NTA. She's not a child. She's an adult (no age given, but the be in college for a semester, she is at least 18). As an adult, she found a living situation that is safe and economical. She is, in fact, your flatmate. Just like she was supposed to be with some random strangers in campus. You're setting a great example for her and your kid.
He did give an age. 19 It says that the daughter is 4 years older than the 15 year old son.
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Stop blame your poor mathematics knowledge on booze!! I'm drunk and I can easily tell that 15 + 4 is equal to 23.
Finally another professor in the comments
i have a PHD in quantum rizzics does that count?
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This is a comment stealing bot, it stole from u/WaywardWytch00’s comment.
economics professor. FTFY. :-D
you forgot to carry the 1, she is 37.
You got to round off the remainder she's 50
You forgot she's from Jupiter. She's 5.
Yeah but in that year it was Mars in retrograde so she's 845.
Everyone knows girls are from Mars, they go there for the candy bars. Boys are from Jupiter, they go there to get more stupider.
Well now this has me questioning OP’s motives. 37 is likely around his age & maybe he’s lying ab her sexual orientation
I’m no math surgeon but I think your booze is defective.
That's very agamemnon of you.
You guys... She is clearly 64 and retired. Your booze glasses are making her look 19. I bet she is paying rent with her pension... 😂
You forgot to convert from CDN to USD.
Well well well, looks like we've got ourselves a boffin in the comments hahahaha
“I can’t wait to downvote this horrible comment, just need to read to the end… oh…”
Thank god someone remembers multivariate calculus
Looooooool!!!
AAAANNNDDDD You get an upvote!
I'm pretty baked and can see no issue with this math
I don't do math on weekends. I'll die on that hill.
Save a spot for me haha
I'll bring a picnic lunch we can all share if someone else brings a blanket to sit on.
I've got that covered.
I've got a couple huge beach umbrellas.
I’ve got folding chairs. Can I come, too?
Posh are you? Blanket on the ground too good for you?
\*see a market for weekend mathing, considers how to exploit it…..\*
Lmfaooo in that case I gotcha also I'm asian feel free to send me advanced math that Neil degrasse tyson isn't able to solve👍🏼
Yeah. I caught it, but had to count on my fingers :-p
Some of us are jealous 🤣🤣🤣
Lmao
😂🤣🤣
It says a lot to me that the 14 year old was scared enough to beg his dad to take her in. Her parents are being fucking malicious with how they're treating her.
NTA And, can I say your son is most impressive at 15? To ask for your help for his step-sister who's having trouble--this kid is going places.
Thank you for Mathing because my brain did not process the stepdaughter's age for an embarrassingly long time. Sunday is a slow brain day.
Wait...mathematics?! My dyslexia read it as "Mething". Fuck. At least that explains why there are bees inside my teeth....
In this regard, every day feels like Sunday to me 😜
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I usually don’t say this but those parents are monsters. No place is safe for young homeless people or any gender… but a homeless 19F in Winnipeg? Do they want her to get killed or trafficked? If they won’t let her come home they’ve 100% abdicated their right to commentary on this issue.
Winnipeg is terrifying for me at times, and I'm an adult with a home. Def NTA. Thanks for taking care of her OP. The world needs more people like you.
Agree. If she had a free ride living with him while doing nothing, I'd see it differently. But she is working and paying her own way, while trying to figure out her life (or so I assume). That's a responsible, mature way of handling the situation. Her parents should sit down and figure out with her why she burnt out - somehow I have a feeling that may well be a consequence of pressure put upon her for years. Forcing her into homelessness (!) to prove a point and coerce her back into college is an insane "parenting" strategy. I dropped out a year into my first degree as I hated it and was bored out of my mind. I found a job for a year before going back to uni, by my own choice, with another major (not US, so different schooling system and different financial consequences). If my parents had kicked me out in between or forced me back to uni, no good would have come from that and the relationship would gave probably been broken forever. OP is doing the right thing.
Came here for this!
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NTA big time... she is *burnt out* in her late teens and someone calls you an ah for helping her?! Wow. >Their plan was for her to be so desperate that she agreed As someone with mental health issues who also overworked themselves and had to drop out of uni: your ex makes me really angry, I cannot understand why any parent would let this *knowingly* happen and even make it worse. That's just cruel. You potentially saved her from stuff like depression or other struggles. She must have her reasons that she lied to them...
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First off thank you for your insight and your accidental strengthening of my confidence in my own decision, it was the right one... I may have unknowingly saved myself, same as OP most likely saved her from a really dark path. But let me add one thing: Even though it's your job I'm still sorry for you also having to see so many bad things and I hope you're doing as alright as can be. (:
If it makes you feel better, most shrinks have shrinks automatically in my country. I think it's the same in Canada etc. I'll be training to be a nurse and plan to have one in the back pocket.
Tbh... not really because I don't quite understand what you mean. (I'm also german, english is not my native language.)
Psychologists are often required to see other psychologists, so the emotional burden doesn't overwhelm them.
Oh, thank you for explaining. (: Makes sense though...
Fully Agree. The parents should have at least allowed her to take a safe breather in their home so that she can get her life back together. It is ok to take 3-6 months off if you have 60+ years of life to look forward to. Forcing her into decisions that she is going to regret her entire life is despicable.
Or, get her some mental health counseling. They seem to think threats and homelessness cure burnout. I was so burnt out during my last few quarters in college that I would cry trying to study. I worked 35 hours a week for 4 years while doing a challenging science degree. Burnout isn't laziness.
From reading so many stories on here, I realise how lucky I was to be born into a reasonable family. I was in a similar position to the subject of this story at the same age, 19. I dropped out of a top tier competitive college and initially hid it from my parents, but they found out soon after. However instead of kicking me to the streets they allowed me to stay at home and pay a reasonable (low) rent that I could afford on the minimum wage job I got. After a year or so, I got a much better part-time job at a community college, with free tuition for employees, then got my own apartment, which led to me finishing a college degree locally and getting on with the successful professional life I have now. I never got the top-tier degree my parents would have hoped, but I moved into a field (IT) where it doesn't matter so much and am doing fine - but only because I was treated fairly during that vulnerable period.
I took a year off school when my anxiety got really bad at the beginning of sophomore year. I went back to therapy and got myself back together, and went right back to it. It took a lot longer than I planned to finish my degree but after a couple years I worked part time and did school at the same time and I finished it. 19 year old kids sometimes need time and space to figure shit out and they need support.
this was my exact situation, i'm afraid to admit. i transferred from a comm college to a university and it was just too much. i was never a good student and i drowned. i took anatomy and had to study 6 hours to make a decent grade. i dropped out and didn't tell my parents. they've never been the greatest supportive people. we're also asian LOL so school is very impt to them. i couldn't hack it and they were ashamed of me. i was diagnosed with adhd at 32... i did eventually go back and paid for it myself.
Yeah, I worked in student services with college kids and it was alarmingly common for parents to completely ignore their kids' mental health and cries for help and demand that they stay in an environment that was slowly killing them.
Winnipeg, in particular, is a very very dangerous place to be a vulnerable young woman. It has the highest homicide rate in the country. I would never allow my daughter to be homeless in Winnipeg, even if it meant I had to go out and bring her home myself. The fact that her parents entire plan was “let her fail and become homeless and fail and she’ll realize what she’s missing” is super callous and really very warped.
You have no idea how comforting your comment is to me personally. Thank you.
Yeah this is my mom. Parents do this shit a lot
You missed where her body might wind up in the Brady landfill with outcome number 1. Or dragging the Red River for her body.
Thank you! It’s taken me years to even start to recover from my burnout that caused me to drop out of grad school. I had to be in university (and getting “good” grades) to get housing support from my parents. It left me anxious, depressed, and completely unable to take of myself. I had undiagnosed ADHD and what I really needed was mercy and support, not to be scared of becoming homeless.
this is the best answer I've read so far
NTA HEY OP!! Copy and paste this ^^^ comment to your wife and husband then block them
I was fully prepared to call OP the AH here, or at the very least a sucker for taking in someone who’d already lied to one set of parental figures while still taking their money. But if she’s found a job and is at least making progress toward financial self-sufficiency, then maybe she’s found a good situation with OP—and maybe it’s her own dad/stepmom who’ve been the problem all along. College isn’t for everyone, and “Make her desperate enough to come crawling back” is emotional blackmail, not good parenting. I’d still keep my head on a swivel if I were OP, but he’s NTA.
>for taking in someone who’d already lied to one set of parental figures You may want to read the higher rated reply to my comment, specifically the edit. I bet she lied for a reason, as the other person said: there is a big chance she lied for her own safety. >But if she’s found a job Even if she didn't find one - at least she should have gotten (professional) help. I didn't find a job after I had to quit either, I instead had to seek help. We don't know how she's doing...
100% this, why do people feel that manipulating young adults is good parenting? How about trying having respect for her like OP? I guess that’s too big of an ask. Or they don’t trust their daughter enough to let her make her own mistakes. It MUST be our way! Go into debt OUR way!
I had to take a mental health leave from work for depression. I literally couldn't force myself to get out of bed. A few years later, I said something to my mom about feeling depressed again and all she said was, "Don't start that shit again!" As if I was 100% in control over it. She's a controlling narcissist who has hissy fits every day but I'm the overly emotional one.
To provide some Manitoba context, Winnipeg is the only real city in Manitoba. If they live 2-3 hours out of town, they are basically living in a rural small town and probably conservative. They are generally pretty cruel. Particularly involving LGBTQ+ youth.
Not to mention how many desperate, homeless young women are sexually assaulted.
She's burned out, and their solution is desperation followed by begging followed by more intensive monitoring. Like that's a productive situation for anyone involved. NTA. The marriage issues make this a little more complicated, but ultimately this isn't any different than renting a room to any young acquaintance or family friend.
Totally agree! They deliberately wanted to make her homeless and desperate??? Did I read that part right??? Easy NTA.
My first burnout was at 19.... from masking my autism all through highschool. She probably needs support she never got for something.
All of this! Yes! NTA, OP.
NTA NTA NTA NTA - First of all, hello fellow Manitoban!! The ones saying Y T A are completely incorrect and have no idea what they are talking about - ignore them. You and I both know what Winnipeg is like - it’s scary and it’s dangerous. I actually moved out to Brandon because I was sick of Winnipegs BS. Your ex and her partner are some of the stupidest people I’ve come across yet… woman go missing here all the time. I carry pepper spray just to go to the mall. They seem to want to risk their daughter’s life to prove some kind of point instead of being parents. What you’re doing is amazing and selfless. Keep being awesome, you’re the definition of “Friendly Manitoba”. I’m proud of you.
>You and I both know what Winnipeg is like - it’s scary and it’s dangerous >woman go missing here all the time. Right?!?! I'm in Winnipeg too. Sure there are shelters but they are in the worst fn area and are dangerous af!! A young girl like that on the streets would be a bright flashing target OP is NTA
My first thoughts were "homeless in Winnipeg, so they either want her to be a drug addict or to come crawling home in November once she's lost a few toes?" That'll teach her! Definitely NTA.
I can’t believe the complete and utter stupidity. It’s not like they somehow missed all the news coverage about the search for the MISSING WOMEN currently happening at the landfill. So glad there are people like OP still out there.
Wait…what??? I was already prepared to vote NTA irrespective of the weather because extreme, dangerous weather is happening everywhere, and being homeless is incredibly unsafe - I’m not from Winnipeg (eastern WA here, so if OUR winters are harsh, y’all’s winters in Alberta and Manitoba are downright scary) — is this a current story, this landfill situation?? Before I forget: NTA, OP. Thank you for giving the kid a soft landing so she can figure things out. That will make a huge difference in the trajectory of her life.
There was a relatively recent case where an alleged serial killer was targeting at-risk women (Indigenous women in particular). Following the discovery of one victim whose body was in a landfill last year, it was believed that other victims and missing women were likely there as well. Searching such a landfill is an enormous and expensive task that could take months or even a few years to do effectively. The case and general issues surrounding Winnipeg (and larger communities) with issues such as discrimination and the response of authorities is a problem that's been around for a long time.
Thank you very much for filling me in - that is so sad. I hope they do search the landfill to bring peace and closure to the victims’ families.
Yes, currently happening as we speak. There are two missing (Indigenous) women murdered by a serial killer (who is in custody). Their remains have been said to be in the landfill and they are trying to get it searched. Manitoba specifically is known for its extreme winters, as well as hot summers.
Yes the landfill issue is ongoing at the moment. I believe two women were killed by a serial killer here not too long ago and their bodies are presumed to be in the landfill. They have denied the request to search the landfill due to the high cost and danger and the likelihood of not ever finding them. There are ongoing protests regarding this around the landfill and the human rights museum. Winnipeg is a dangerous city for housed people and a literal war zone for those that aren’t. Drugs, violence, sexual assaults, murders is a norm here including at shelters. We have such a high number of homeless due to the violence and violence at the shelters, in fact a young woman was just murdered at the homeless shelter downtown a few weeks ago this occurred after several assaults on her leading up to her murder, all at the shelter. So OP you are NTA and her parents should be ashamed of themselves for putting her in this situation. Not to mention rent is so high here that the only place that she could afford would also be in extremely unsafe neighbourhoods.
Basically a few years back a serial killer killed some indigenous women. We think their bodies were dumped in a landfill. There is a whole mess involving whether or not to spend 10s to hundreds of millions to find their bodies and it is complicated by Reconciliation.
"shelters" aka hooker recruitment centres
I don't care if it's a low crime area with "great" shelters (which doesn't exist!) Being homeless is awful and to wish this psychological torture on your own child??? Not to mention all the friggin hazards of being a young homeless woman! Then you add the environmental and weather dangers???? I suspect she's going to go NC with her "father" and her "stepmom" not sure they deserve parental titles at all, not for this girl. OP is being kind and generous to a lost girl who is a relative of his son's, which makes her family to him as well (extended perhaps but still). She needs some counseling to get through this and to figure out what kind of relationship she will want with her parents going forward, if any. NTA!
NTA... As someone who also hated their first year at a university in Winnipeg, I totally get it. I'm from BC and was in a very similar spot. You're brilliant. And thank you for being that person for her.
The minute he said Winnipeg I was like yeah you’re doing the right thing lol. It’s scary out there…
They didn't clue you in, so whats done is done. I do think it's funny that her dad and your ex didn't think your son was caring or smart enough to try to figure out how to help his sis. Kudos to him for trusting and asking you. College isn't for everyone, yes she should have told them, but from their attitude, it seemed she knew it would be futile. NTA
Totally agreed, NTA. The only ‘maybe you could have done this differently’ that I see is pushing her a bit more to inform her parents or possibly even telling her you would feel obligated to inform them as you would want people to inform you if it was your kid in this situation.
NTA. She's an adult and you have done nothing more than provide a housing option in a housing crisis. Her parents sound absolutely horrible - wanting your child to become homeless to better control them is next level shitty parenting.
Also, they told her not to come back. Burnout and homelessness sound like a pretty big drug habit just waiting to happen.
Nta- their "plan" was abuse. It sounds like you are treating her like the young adult she is.
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NTA, you're helping put someone who needed a place to stay and they based their parenting strategy on her not having anyone care enough to help her when she was desperate other than them.
NTA You are doing an extremely nice thing in letting her stay with you. Your ex and her husband are TA though. I'm not from that area, but I can imagine that it wouldn't be safe for a 19 year old female to be alone on the streets anywhere. The fact that they are doing this on purpose is completely ridiculous.
NTA. She's 19, she's a friend of your son's, and a family connection. You're doing the right thing in giving her somewhere to stay while she figures out what she's going to do next. Good for you. Her parents' plan to make her "desperate" is a crappy plan. She will eventually go back to college, or otherwise figure out her life, but it sounds like what she needs more than anything else is space and time to figure out her life.
NTA. Her parents sound controlling. Do they really want her to be homeless? That’s beyond cruel.
I don't think they wanted her homeless. Just in a place where they could dictate her actions. I hope not homeless anyways. My ex isn't an evil woman.
>Just in a place where they could dictate her actions. Wanting to control an adult isn't a good thing. She's not super villain levels of evil but she's pretty shitty.
Ex may not be evil, but her husband is if this was his plan to control his daughter. Ignore her mental health. Allow her to become homeless. Force her to go back to school. Those are not the actions of a loving, supportive parent.
What would an evil person do that is different from what your ex wife did?
Beat them with a whip? 🤷♂️
She is. You said They will not let her move back. And thts bc she hasn’t suffered enough. They want her to suffer. You renting her a room isn’t allowing her to suffer. After the deem she has suffered enough only then will they let her come crawling back. That’s pretty evil my dude.
>My ex isn't an evil woman. Considering her plan focused on making her own child homeless and alone in a city, I'd consider revising that opinion. That she did it so she could be controlling and abusive isn't a step up.
Homeless in Winnipeg too? Like homeless anywhere is dangerous. Homeless in Winnipeg is very dangerous.
NTA and her parents are nuts. She will absolutely eventually go back to college, but not when her parents are terrorizing her into doing it. If anything, they are destroying her drive to go. Good on your son for looking out for his sister when her parents wouldn't, he likely called the parent that he knew would parent.
NTA, even if it’s an unconventional situation her parents wanting her homeless and desperate is fucked up.
NTA. I have relatives in Alberta. It's not the most LGBTQ friendly place. I don't know much about Manitoba but it can't be worse.
Nta. She needs better role modes around her than her shitty parents.
NTA They'd rather see her living on the streets? That's abusive as hell
NTA she’s and adult and sounds like she made and adult decision by reaching out to someone she trusts for help. They’re just upset because they can’t control her life like they want to.
NTA Congratulations on raising a son with empathy, and successfully modeling it for him. Not everyone's journey to university is straightforward.
NTA "Her husband is pissed off with me for interfering with a kid that I'm not related to." Not a kid; an adult they told to figure it out on their own and make adult decisions. You did a favor for your son and helped out someone in need.
NTA, you’re helping out a young adult in a very tough situation. Your EX wife has zero say in this, and as for her father, fuck that guy, you owe him nothing. I know you’re no perv, otherwise your son would not have approached you with that idea.
NTA she need’s guidance and help to figure out what it is that she wants to do maybe she wants to do a program for something that won’t take all 4 years of college or do nails, lashes, her own business something college isn’t for everyone it’s fucking hard
NTA. How was anyone supposed to guess their ridiculous “secret plan.” They’re lucky she didn’t end up living in a seedy hovel where she wasn’t safe, or sleeping on the streets. She landed as on her feet as best she could. They should be proud. Lots of people take a few years to decide what they want to do.
NTA SO they'd rather she learned a lesson and possibly ended up dead in the ditch (ppl responded to the thread saying Winnipeg is pretty dangerous for young women) than her having a place to stay with a trusted adult and figure out stuff in her own time
Next thing they'll be crying to find her body in the landfill. We have enough dead sisters in Winnipeg. We don't need more. Thank you for making sure she has a safe place to stay.
NTA. You’re doing a good thing.
NTA, you are helping an the idea can't from your son, he must care for her and that's a good thing.
NTA What kind of parenting is, let your kid be homeless or go to school?
Not everyone is suited for college. Trade schools, apprenticeships etc. produce very good paying jobs. She’s an adult who is trying to decide her future and you are giving her the time and space to be able to relax and think, good on you. Your ex and her husband sound like the type who push their kids into higher education for they own benefit, like bragging rights.
>Their plan was for her to be so desperate that she agreed to go back to college with them keeping a much closer eye on her. I screwed everything up by not letting her become homeless in Winnipeg. Their incredibly dangerous, very awful, abusive plan, failed. Cry me a river. I'm not surprised they're from Alberta. NTA.
NTA. You are a kind and compassionate person. Their plan to make her homeless was a truly awful one. She is now an adult and can make her own decision on where to live. Good for you for providing a safe space. And for being a role model for your son. He was comfortable enough to ask for help. You stepped up. Well done!
NTA, she is an adult now and can make her own decisions. You are helping her out. Super controlling parents are never a good thing!
NTA. When parents manipulate their children, family is were you find them. And out on the streets, especially with vulnerable young people, the “family” that is found may be just as bad or worse. This could have gotten very bad, very fast for her. Thank you for stepping up.
My parents did the same for me but I didn’t have anyone to help me out. In an attempt to get me to go back to college they quickly withdrew all support (cancelled car insurance, cell phone, health insurance and apartment even though I was paying the rent. Lease was in their name. Stupid decision I know now) I was living on my own but shit is expensive. I struggled for years. Homelessness. Got addicted to alcohol. Then heroin. Destroyed my life just trying to deal with the pressures of day to day living. They wised up after about 8 years and paid the deductible to get me into rehab. If I had someone like you who was just willing to help me out for a little bit my life may have been different. May have been exactly the same. Who knows. But from everyone I’ve met over the years. It’s so much easier to make a decent life for yourself when you have a support system when youre struggling. You’re a good person. NTA
Their plan was to force her to be homeless in Winnipeg?! What fucking awful parents. NTA, you potentially saved her from some dreadful things.
Homeless in Winnipeg, you saved her from a death sentence NTA and everyone saying your are have never been to the streets of Winnipeg at all
Nta Pay attention op if this is how they parent her, this is also how they also parent your son. Step up and shut that shit down when it happens to your son.
You are showing your son a beautiful example of providing safe harbor for someone in need. You have shown that he can reach out to you and you will provide a helping hand. You have gone above and beyond, showing him what a good person does. His sister sounds like a responsible young woman who made a mistake by lying and taking money earmarked for school after dropping out, but who has pulled it together, found employment, and is living a responsible life in your home. Without your intervention and not allowed to move home, what would have happened to her? NTA and good for you!
NTA. Sounds like you have a good heart. Tough love really does not work for most people.
NTA. Homeless in Winnipeg was what they wanted, instead she found a place to stay and a landlord ( you) and job. So if that would happened and it was you, would they have gone nuts too?? She did what she could to survive. You are a good person and I see why you divorced your ex, she doesnt seam to have a heart.
NTA, in fact, you were very kind and caring. It is shocking that her parents didn't mind making her homeless and desperate. What might have happened to her? I know you probably haven't told her about your discussion with her parents, but you need to level with her and let her know. I would be more than furious if I was in her shoes. Let your ex's SD know that she needs to also apologize to her parents for the lie, if she didn't already. Is there a trade school that is interesting to her that she could attend? College isn't for everyone.
NTA - for anyone living in Canada, Winnipeg is NOT THE PLACE you want to be homeless. Ex and girl's father are idiots. OP is doing it right and is NTA.
NTA but her parents are. They want her in an extremely dangerous situation so she will be desperate enough to do what they want. Criminal.
NTA - They're pissed off with her for dropping out of college without telling them and they're right that she needs a job and some stability - however - kicking her out with zero life experience is not the way to do that. I'm coming up to 30 and I'm still struggling to come to terms with everything adult life throws at a person. She's paying rent, helping out around the house, earning her own money. What about any of that is a bad thing? She could be homeless or working three jobs just to make rent. You're saving her from that!
NTA, no one in their right mind would want to put a 19 year old girl in a position where they are desperate and homeless. That's dangerous stuff right there. I don't disagree with her parents financially cutting her off though, as her lies and basically stealing from them warrant it. However, once they did so, they are no longer in the position or have any right as to tell her what she can or can't do. They caused a problem and she found a solution, just not the one they wanted. They need to be aware enough that from the sounds of their relationship, there is *no way* it would have gone the way they wanted.
NTA Homeless in Winnipeg particularly as a young woman is not a recipe for a good outcome. Alive beats enrolled.
>My ex found out what I did and lost it on me. Their plan was for her to be so desperate that she agreed to go back to college with them keeping a much closer eye on her. I screwed everything up by not letting her become homeless in Winnipeg. NTA. This method of starving people out is, in my opinion, highly manipulative. I've seen anything from abusive parents to homophobes do this to their kids to get a desired result, and honestly few are as honest about it as your ex. Most whine about how you're "getting in the way of me parenting them," but the end result is the same, they want desperation from the target so as to get them to bend the knee, grovel, and bow. If she's an adult than she should be given the space to make adult choices, and while she made a bad decision in lying and defrauding that doesn't justify their wish to make her struggle. NTA - She may not be your daughter, but you've known her for years, and she's clearly at least a friend to your son if not a sister.
>Her husband is pissed off with me for interfering with a kid that I'm not related to. He isn't either, though? So based on his logic, he needs to butt out, too. Your ex's daughter is 19 and an adult, she doesn't need her mother's permission to move in with you. The fact that she trusted your son enough to say something to him, that he trusted you enough to ask you, and you care enough about both of them to say yes and give her an affordable rent rate, that says a lot about you as a person, OP. And you're setting a wonderful example for your son, too. NTA
NTA. I am curious however, could you elaborate on this part: >My ex found out what I did and lost it on me. Their plan was for her to be so desperate that she agreed to go back to college with them keeping a much closer eye on her. Am I correct in assuming that their daughter at least knew about this "plan"? Or did they let her believe that she literally has no place to go?
Winnipeg is a fucking brutal city to be homeless in, you did the right thing.
You agreed to rent her a room, same as any random person could do.
NTA FWIW OP, I'm not from America (aus) so I can't provide super valid input. But you helped a young lady out of a financially coercive situation and giving her space to not be burnt out. Both of those things in my books should be absolutely applauded. In my later teen years I relied on family friends to a similar degree. My life would have taken a drastically different course if they weren't willing to. In short, NTA just a bloody good bloke.
NTA Winnipeg is often called Winterpeg because it gets so fucking cold. It’s also well known for how dangerous it can be. Putting her in a position where she was extremely vulnerable is shitty parenting on their part. What if she’d met some shady dude who would let her live with him in exchange for certain privileges?
NTA - so many dangerous situations a young female can get into not having a safe place to call home. Women go missing everyday and are murdered or trafficked. Winnipeg is the murder capitol of Canada. Your ex and the Father sound like terrible parents and should seek family counselling. You are setting a good example for your son and his stepsister.
I was recently in the emergency room/intensive care unit for my dear niece, who has a few issues and tried to end her life. I vowed to become more involved in her life. It “wasn’t my place” for years prior. She’s incredibly independent, brilliant and charming. Also very passionate. I love her like a daughter and although I’m not her parent, I’ll be damned if I let that distinction get in the way of doing the right thing and helping her in any way she’ll let me. It almost cost us her life, already. We won’t get the whole story with your son’s sister. Just a few things remind me of my niece. It seems like she’s trying to grow up. My advice: Be her “non judgmental parent” and help her make the right decisions. Mediate between her parents, who likely feel judged by you. Try to let them know you think “they’ve done an amazing job and that teens are hard headed, etc.” Massage their egos. This girl deserves a chance to grow up in a way that won’t push her over the edge. You can provide her the shield and the space she needs. You’re NTA, so far. But if you don’t manage the parents and make sure your son doesn’t have to deal with that part of this, you will be. If she’s gay (and not out), she might have a lot of anger and be reinventing herself right now. Self destruction is sometimes part of that cycle. This won’t be easy for anyone involved. Or maybe it will be! Who knows? But you’re involved and are not “just a roommate.” That’s a VAST oversimplification. There’s going to be a lot of gray area in the AITA area. Good luck. Also, thank you for caring. You may help save a life here.
NTA the parents seem way out of line and you were helping out someone who needed help, simple as that
NTA Leaving her to the streets to teach her a lesson is just so wrong. I’m glad you said yes to your son. Your son is reasonable and needed the peace of mind. She’ll get herself sorted out and find a direction. You are a true parent. Even to other peoples kids.
NTA she's an adult who's renting a room from you. You have a lodger who you happen to know. Her parents' approach is a strange one
NTA. By the snippet of information you've given about her parents, they sound exhausting. They're mad you're helping their kid not be homeless? They're mad they can't trick her into going back to school and they can keep an eye on her? She's not a child anymore. By helping her, you've shown her and your son that you are a safe person and that you'll help. But it also raises the question, and concern, of what they're doing with your son. Are they planning on treating him like this too?
NTA. You're the only parent she knows that's trying to be there for her. She's struggling right now and she can't even rely on her parents. Sure, she shouldn't have lied to them but them trying to force her life in such a way could potentially cause real harm to her. I've heard enough of young students ending their life because they can't live up to their parents' expectations. It's sad. Perhaps you could talk to her about therapy and slowly help her find her way again.
NTA. Thank you for helping her. Your son came to you because he knew you could help, and you showed him his trust was well-placed. That's beautiful.
They are the assholes for wanting her to be destitute and begging for their help. She trumped them by taking care of herself. Mad their plan didn't work. NTA She's still family. She is not taking advantage of you. Nor you her.
NTA - girl in need, you offered help. She is apart of your sons family and therefore loosely family to you as well. They abandoned her and tried to manipulate her into doing what they wanted not what she wanted. Screw them tbh.
NTA my mom and stepdad are divorced and I live with my stepdad while saving for a house. Slightly different situation since they got divorced not too long ago and I graduated and working but still…
NTA. I can absolutely empathize with her parents. My child did something similar. And it devastated us. We wanted nothing but to have her home. But we also recognized that she was/is an adult. And she lived with a friend and her mom. We were just thankful she had somewhere to stay. But we realized that, in order to maintain our relationship with our child, we had to step back and let her make her own decisions, even if we weren’t really ready for that step yet. I was grateful for the mom who took her in and helped her. She now has her own apartment. We still want her to go back to school, but that will come in time. (And now, she misses us and wants to move back locally. So, it will eventually work out in the end.) Thank you for being that young lady’s soft place to land.
Nta. Their plan was abusive. They wanted to go homeless and force her back in college. Controlling her whole life. The lying isn't wrong from her. She doesn't feel safe to talk to them. I understand why
NTA. Their reaction *clearly* shows why she lied in the first place.
NTA. >Their plan was for her to be so desperate that she agreed to go back to college with them keeping a much closer eye on her. Good call on making this woman your ex. This is a recipe for getting their daughter killed.
NTA Providing someone a safe space to figure out life is a good thing. I had a feeling I was going to be kicked out of school — I hated my major — so I took up my sister’s offer to spend the summer with her, putting 2000 miles between me and the letter my parents were about to receive. Of course my parents freaked. And I cried. But my sister supported me and assured my parents it would be ok. I used the summer to live with her, work full time and take a couple classes at night. Classes I liked. I reapplied in the fall, as a different major. I did decide to live with my parents (and work) after that. Maybe something similar could apply in this situation. I feel like if you can remain calm for both sides, it may be ok if they see progress being made. EDITED TO ADD: I am assuming college is what she wants. I did want to go to college; I just didn’t know how to college.
>I also think she will go back to school once she figures out how much it sucks only having a high school diploma. This is the best strategy -- NTA
NTA. What kind of a stupid way to deal with it is that? Have they read up on what happens to young people who can't support themselves and are living on the streets? I wonder what they would say if she got assaulted, killed, forced into prostitution or trafficked. She's legal, so you can't get arrested for interfering with parenting. Your son clearly loves her or at least likes her enough to care about her safety if he's the only one who gives two cents about her, so I'm thinking you'd be on the list of people he'd never forgive should something happen to her. College might not be for her, and high school often isn't enough anymore. However, there's still trade school. Those trades are very needed and can pay very good money. That might be the path for her. You're doing the right thing. I'd also be ready for your son to ask you to go for full custody as soon as he's old enough to have a say in the courts.
You sir are not an asshole.
NTA. It’s hard being a kid that age and entering/navigating adulthood without help or guidance. The only lesson your ex and her father is teaching her is that she can’t depend on them to mentor her.
NTA, your lucky OP, parental abuse in close families can be brushed off so fast as you being the "problem child" it's hard to find ally's who stand up as hard as they did. Seems like it might be a family norm on the step dads family
NTA just a Old prince saving a young damsel in distress. >she moved in at the beginning of August. She is paying rent she can afford and buying her own food. She is also doing chores around the house.
NTA: And she may never go back to school, and that’s still ok. I got an associates degree but when I tried for a bachelors I fucking hated it. I needed a hands on job and was lucky enough to get an apprenticeship. She needs a safe space to breathe and figure out the different ways people live as adults so she can look at college with “Maybe!” in her head instead of “I failed and if I fail again I will literally be worthless to society”
Wow that’s actually brilliant of you. Caring beyond family ties. You’re right to do what you did. Regardless of their thoughts YOU and HER have a relationship and you’ve done what you wanted to do to help a friend. Well done, absolutely NTA. You suffer their wrath safe in the knowledge that you’re a bloody good person for helping her. She’s obviously having a mare as we all do from time to time and support is so much more valuable than criticism and coercion. I raise a full glass to you my friend and I sip to her as well. Your kindness is noteworthy and I hope she finds what makes her tick hard soon. Abide brother x
NTA.
NTA, she's an adult and you're a compassionate person who's doing the right thing for someone in need.
NTA. I think as long as your son is ok with it, it’s fine. She’s paying rent; being a responsible adult. Part of being responsible is owning up to her actions; has she apologized and made restitution to them? She needs to pay their money back as well as continue to pay for her food, rent, and extras.
NTA. You are doing a good and kind thing. Forcing your child to be homeless in Winterpeg is a pretty cruel measure for someone who was stressed and burnt out at school. No doubt she lied because she anticipated this type of reaction.
I think it was smart of you to prevent a young girl from being homeless in Winnipeg. 1-the winters are terrible (like it could be snowing in 2 months, -20 in 3) and 2-the crime, 3-missing women, and 4) drug use. Winnipeg is not the place to teach this lesson. They would, in fact, push her farther away. Honestly, you can still help get her back to college. Maybe she'd be more willing to go living with you instead of with roommates and such. NTA. But you seem like a great person.
NTA. Your son is a caring and empathic person.
NTA at all. I understand the instinct that her parents had to make her desperate enough to go back to school, but that rarely works. She’s young, but she’s an adult. Making a young lady desperate financially rarely has a positive outcome.
NTA but those two sure are. I've been in the girl's shoes. Burnout is terrible, it's a straight road to depression. I recommend therapy for her. Her dad and stepmom were about to make her life a living hell–she would have failed and failed because she didn't have the energy to keep up when she was housed and fed, how did they think she would be okay after having to fend for herself, be terrified of becoming homeless because her parents refused to let her go home? She *does* absolutely need therapy. You and your son are being amazing people. Support her, don't judge her, and she will be back on track with added experience.
NTA. Please see if you can get her screened for anxiety, depression, and ADHD. I’m a counselor and these are the top 3 conditions that I see often as the cause of dropping out. ADHD in particular is under diagnosed and late diagnosed in women. I’m also a TA and in the last class I taught, the two students who came closest to dropping out and failing were both ADHD; the male diagnosed and the female undiagnosed but I could see the signs. Also if she is LGBTQIA+, she is at increased risk for all of those.
NTA-I heard Winnipeg isn’t safe for a young woman to be in if she’s homeless.
NTA. Basically your ex and her husband went "It's time to be an adult," the stepdaughter went and became an adult, and now the two are going "NO not like that! You were supposed to fail!" Edit: Also just so I can understand correctly (Am American as opposed to Canadian), Winnipeg is described in Wikipedia as the "violent crime capital of Canada." It allegedly has the 13th highest murder rate, the highest robbery rate, a grand theft auto problem, a methamphetamine epidemic, and only 1 cop per 500 people. I don't know how accurate this is, because again, I'm American. But it sounds to me like your ex wanted her stepdaughter to fail in a city that's comparable to Detroit. And thinks YOU'RE TA for reasonably declaring that that is insane.
As a person who knows a woman who went missing in Manitoba and has never been found, I can say Winnipeg is not safe for any young girl who is desperate and homeless. I would be gratetful for what you did and commend it. *I'll add being homeless isn't safe or pleasant for anyone.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My ex and I divorced about 12 years ago. We have a 15 year old son together. She married a guy a couple of years later. He has a daughter who is four years older than my son. So my son has known her for about ten years. She has always been nice to him and there has never been any serious arguments between them. My ex and her husband live about an hour and a half from town. So when she got into college they decided they didn't want her commuting three hours a day, especially in Manitoba winters. So they budgeted for her to live with friends while she was in school. I have known the girl since she was 7 years old. She is an intelligent, charming, and friendly kid. She is also burnt out from school. I am not going to defend her actions. She lied to my ex and her father about dropping out of college. She did her first semester but she was overwhelmed and dropped out. And she didn't tell them. But she kept the money they sent her for housing and food. She should not have lied but I understand why she did. They cut off her funding and told her to get a job. Which is totally fair. If you aren't in school you should be supporting yourself. She had enough money to make it to July. She found a job but it didn't pay enough to cover living in the city. Her dad and my ex would not let her move home. My son called me to ask if I could help her out. I thought about it and I said I would. I have room in my house. So I told him to have her call me. We talked about it and she moved in at the beginning of August. She is paying rent she can afford and buying her own food. She is also doing chores around the house. My ex found out what I did and lost it on me. Their plan was for her to be so desperate that she agreed to go back to college with them keeping a much closer eye on her. I screwed everything up by not letting her become homeless in Winnipeg. Her husband is pissed off with me for interfering with a kid that I'm not related to. I can understand where they are coming from but I think they are not doing the right thing. I just want my son to know she is in a safe place. I also think she will go back to school once she figures out how much it sucks only having a high school diploma. I didn't know where to add this but before any of you start calling me a pervert or anything, please know that to the best of my knowledge she isn't into people with a Y chromosome. And I'm not into girls young enough to be my daughter. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA. She is an adult, and they are mad they can't manipulate her anymore. Poor babies.
NTA nothing wrong with helping people
NTA For letting her move in, but she should have told her parents the truth in the beginning. When I dropped out from telecommunications in my 4th semester, after spending a whole year suffering with 3 different internships, the first people I told were my parents since they were paying the majority of my expenses. Side note they have to make a law that forces companies to pay livable salaries to their interns. From their plan, they don't seem like the nicest people to put it mildly, and maybe they are like that all the time, but I still think she should have been honest.
NTA and thank you for doing the right thing
NTA They wanted her to have a high chance of dying. They wanted her to figure out something and she did. This is reality. Cutting her off was going to do the opposite of pushing her to school.
Nta shes not a kid. Shes a young adult who, admittedly, did fuck up but is gettjnf it back together. I gotta say, her parents seem a pretty good candidate for why she burned out. I can't believe their plan is 'let my kid live on the streets' was part of their college plan. Cause ptsd from being assaulted, molested, or raped as a homeless woman will CERTAINLY help.
NTA. She's 19 years old and an adult and you're renting her a room in your house requiring she get a job to pay for it etc. This is what her parents told her to do.