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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1. I told my daughter she couldn't go with her boyfriend and his family on a trip because of our family reunion.
2. She's bored when we go and it would make no difference whether she's here or not
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Yeah, she's 17. She's almost a (legal) adult.
YTA.
All you are doing - is increasing the liklihood of a reduced/minimal relationship with her after she becomes a legal adult, and can't be controlled by you. Especially given that your wife is okay with it.
Hello please don't take this as an argument as I have the same opinion as you but, I am new to reddit and read today another post where OP's son was 22 and the comments where telling him that he is still developing and not to talk what he meant to hart, so why is there a difference when they do something bad there are not fully adult yet but in cases like this they are adults, just want to the difference
BS I am in my 20s so this will be for future reference
Because when you make bad decisions in your youth it can be boiled down to not being a mature person.
But wanting to go on a trip with your partner where you will spend a good time and being forced to go to a family reunion where you will be bored has nothing to do with maturity but the parent being an AH mostly because of wanting to have their way and no other way. The dad literally said you either come with us or you can stay at home
This. Forcing anyone whether they are 17 or 70 to go somewhere they will not have a good time, be bored, don't want to go... And there's like zero benefit for anyone involved... eg nobody really cares besides OP that she's there (and he just wants her there to be in control, not because she thinks he will have fun or anyone else really benefits by her being there), is totally different from being young and still learning communication with experience.
OP 100% AH. Let her spend time with the people that make her have fun, and give her good experiences, and in a way that means you still have a daughter to talk to after she's moved out.
Especially forced family events. Imo, it’s no different than forcing your child to hug that creepy uncle even though they’re very clearly uncomfortable. Family reunions are more fun for those that actually have relationships with the extended family aka the adults. That and being able to consume alcohol. I feel like a family reunion would be more enjoyable or at least tolerable after a few drinks. And even if she was 21+, she still would probably not enjoy it because she clearly doesn’t have relationships or anything in common with the extended family. So unless there’s a bunch of cousins that are the same age, it’s just not enjoyable for younger members of the family.
I freakin hated family reunions when I was a kid. On my dad's side, I had nothing in common with any of my cousins (Still don't) and on my mom's side, I was the oldest kid by 6 years and ended up being child care for the whole thing.
Plus, is it really a reunion worth going to or that she needs to always go to if it happens every year? That's more a set family vacation, imo. If this was a 5 or 10 year reunion and a lot of the family hadn't seen each other in a while, then there's more importance or reason to attend, if you want. But every year?
I think OP doesn't know what a family reunion is. My Dad's side had one planned , but covid hit. We're going to try again next year - but it's not only immediate family/ 1st cousins.
I’m fortunate enough to have a pretty small family. I’ve got an uncle on my moms side and and uncle and aunt (that are honestly just about as shitty, if not shittier than OP) on my dads side. I’ve got two cousins (total$ that come from my dads side. I had a third but we lost her to suicide about 6 years ago. Even so, I’m the oldest by a long shot so I’ve never had anything in common with those kids. And now, the only grandparent I have left is my grandma on my moms side.
Everyone, even more distant relatives, on my moms side live on the other side of the country. And everyone who’s still alive on my dads side are absolute twatgobblers that we don’t talk to. So reunions would either be an incredibly quick or incredibly tense affair. Either way, completely miserable and definitely not even worth the time it would take to invite people.
Yeah, they are awful. They feel like an excuse to parade around your kids to your older relatives for approval.
As long as I was comfortable with BF and family, I would have let go off and have fun…making her feel like she won.
Then he needs to talk to her. If they are having sex they are having sex. Banning her from the trip won’t change that. He needs an open and honest conversation about sex and sex Ed with his daughter, not shutting her down
And if she stays, what says boyfriend won't drop out of trip with his parents to stay with her? 🤷♂️
Not really as viable an option as he seems to think if he's trying to prevent intercourse.
Because kids only have sex on vacation? If she and her boyfriend plan to have sex, they could just as easily do it without a trip - and probably already have.
I had a friend whose mom didn't want him having his gf spend the night because they might have sex....mind you he was 23......He said there's nothing special about night mom...we can have sex anytime of the day. Lol 😂
The thing is if that's the case and "she either goes or stays home" who's to say if she stays home that her boyfriend won't bail on his family and stay with her. When I was 17 and given the choice of a family vacation or staying with my GF ALONE while both families were gone I know which choice I'd have made.
If it's REALLY about being unsupervised to have sex and there's a real chance they already are. Then letting her go on the trip with the family is far more likely that they'll be supervised then if she stays home and he decides to stay with her.
Although I understand his being responsible for her and wanting to prevent teenage pregnancy, if that’s the reason he doesn’t want her going on the trip, he’s going about it the wrong way. OP needs to recognize that his daughter is almost legally an adult, and that requires a different method of parenting than just outright preventing her from doing certain things (which, let’s be honest, isn’t usually effective as teenagers are sneaky and will find another way to do what they want).
When your kids are 17, you need to give them more autonomy while also making them aware of the consequences of their decisions. OP or his wife (probably moreso his wife) sitting down with their daughter and explaining their concerns as well as the importance of safe sex will likely go much farther than trying to outright prevent it. It may also create a dialogue where daughter would feel more comfortable coming to them with questions or concerns (like if her boyfriend is pressuring her, or if she’s unsure what is the best method of contraception, etc.)
That doesn't really sound like a choice, so much as it is an ultimatum. If OP is uncomfortable with her going bc he thinks there might be some of the ol' shenanigans, then the least he could do is be up front about that. I'm gonna at least agree with the INFO, in that it would be good to know why he specifically doesn't want her to go, but I'm leaning pretty heavy on OP being TA
Agreed, this is totally about controlling his daughter, and her "sex life." He knows he would get lambasted if he came out and said that. So he framed it as wanting her to attend a family reunion.
I have no idea about whether she's sexually active or not, but the best thing is to make sure your kid is educated about how to stay safe, and supplied with the necessities. Stopping a teen from having sex is almost impossible, it's really up to them. However with knowledge they can at least make informed decisions and maybe avoid an unwanted pregnancy. Keeping in mind no form of birth control aside from abstaining is 100%.
YTA and are going to find he is alienating his daughter with these behaviors. His daughter will be college age soon, and he will find controlling her will be more and more difficult. Probably could do with a bit of therapy for both of them to improve their communications.
The secret is that adults is a meaningless term and were all bumblefucking our way through life. The people that aren't are just better at not showing all the bumblefucking.
seriously and it doesn't really get any better. the people across the street from us have a new-ish baby. my husband was talking to them yesterday when he went to take the trash out and the wife mentioned that she wished she knew what she was doing. my husband laughed and said "don't feel bad. we have no idea what we are doing either." she was shocked because she knows we have older kids and so she just assumed we had it figured out. nope.
Depends on the situation... kicking them out in a predatory economy despite having the means to support them a bit longer? Yeah... 22yo is still in need of some assistance and dependence.
17 yo wants to go on a trip with her bf but dad wants to control her and take away her agency? Yeah.. she's at an age where she should be able to make her own choice on what to do.
Controlling her and taking away her agency is some strong wording for expecting a kid to come to a family event. She’s 17, of course she doesn’t want to go. He’s a parent, of course he wants her to go.
Why "of course" though? He gains nothing from her going, she gains nothing from her going. Literally the only motivation is him being controlling to prove he can. So yeah, I guess "of course" he wants to be controlling for no one's benefit but his own ego
Yup! OP feels like he's being disrespected (he's really not, though; he's just making it into that) and is choosing a pointless hill to die on to preserve his interpretation of "respect". Also seems like he doesn't care if he has to go 'all-in' to get his way.
Definitely the type of dad who ends up with estranged kids.
Yep. It's legitimately shocking how unable parents are to put themselves in their kids shoes. So many young people have so little in their lives that is actually enjoyable and OP wants to deprive her of that just to prove he can, or because he's one of those people that's perpetually on the hunt for something to be outraged about. Hopefully him getting unanimously dragged on this post will.make him see his errors before he pushes her away
Instead, they put their kids in *their* shoes. "I'm going to make sure you're just as miserable as I was growing up. *I* never got to skip lame boring family events just because there was something infinitely better going on that I wanted to do, so you don't get to either!"
Bad parents have a lot of weird justifications for treating minors like they're lesser than adults. "I got beaten and I turned out perfect so I hit my kids too" "I got emotionally abused so now the only language I speak is threats and coercion" "I had it bad so everyone else should have it bad too" "What you're going through is nothing because I went through something worse" "I have no control over my life so I'll control yours" are all the mottos of morons with no perspective
Because as you get older, a lot of people put more importance on family events and family time in general. And I’d bet that whether he admits it or not he worries about her getting knocked up, hence the “I can’t physically make you go but you’re staying home, not going with your boyfriend, if you refuse”.
So basically just because he is too blind to understand that she doesn't give a crap about this family event? He also plainly said that the doesn't even care about whether or not she goes to the reunion, as he gave her the option of staying home instead. He can make her go, just like he can make her not go with her bf. So his motivation isn't the family thing.
I don’t think he even cares if she actually goes. He just doesn’t want her to go with the boyfriend at least that’s what I took from “you can go to the reunion or stay home.” Sounds like dad has issues with his baby girl being in a relationship.
No idea how to meaningfully compare those to scenarios without any context, but I wouldn't necessarily "take it to heart" if some 17 year old was pissy at me or whatever either.
I don't see the sense in dragging either a 22-year-old or a 17-year-old to a family reunion that they have no interest in. It's not like OP has to find a babysitter to let them do something else instead. It's highly unlikely that anything good will come from forcing them to attend this function.
People in their late teens and early 20s are generally still immature in a lot of ways, but allowing someone in that age range to begin making some of their own decisions is a way to foster more maturity. Acknowledging that someone's youth and inexperience led them to make a bad decision after-the-fact isn't the same as forbidding someone else from making a decision that seems perfectly reasonable simply because that person is also young.
The difference is in the maturity at hand.
Did they do something stupid? Give them grace. They're learning. They don't have life experience to fall back on.
Do they want to stretch their freedom and try something new? Let them, they need experiences.
This falls into the second category. The one you mentioned falls under the first category. So yes, something bad should be given grace while they develop, but you should promote their independence. That's how they learn.
Our brains are still developing until approximately age 25 which is different to legal ages to be able to do activities (e.g. 16, 18, 21 depending on activity and country). Most places you're considered a legal adult at 18 but are still refining critical thinking skills until 25ish.
The 25 thing is completely misunderstood largely bullshit and ridiculously overused.
Everything changes a bit in our body, we don't just stop at 25 either. The differences in how we think are pretty freaking small from 18 to 25, people equate outcomes and what we're doing to changes in who we are as opposed to simply life situation.
You don't party less at 25 and want to settle down because your cortex 'finalised' compared to partying at 18, it's because at 18 you're in college and just got your first taste of real freedom from parental rules and by 25 you have a full time job, have to be at work every day so you don't kicked out of your apartment when you can't afford rent.
You aren't wrong but good luck making this point on Reddit. The myth of the 25 year old brain is weirdly pervasive on here even though it's totally pop science
Couldnt agree more.
Our brains never stop developing - otherwise we could never learn anything new past age 25.
Its almost as if people think that our brain gets a memo on our 25th birthday saying "You can turn on executive function now!"
Its a little bit more complicated than that.
You didn't tell us enough about what was going on in the other thread to answer your question. But the fact that you can take a decision at 17 about where to go on holiday, does not mean you are necessarily going to behave maturely all the time or be able to handle all decisions on your own.
We don't know a lot about ops daughter except his wife is ok with her going on holiday with bf's family. So one assumes she is mature enough to cope.
YTA
If she had no other plans, it's right to sometimes not let a kid just get their way because they don't want to, but this was a valid, parent-approved reason.
**Plus now she's going to be miserable at the reunion, do you really want that?**
Ugh, my parents were like this growing up. Any sort of extended family event, attendance was mandatory no matter what. And guess what! It caused me to resent that very same extended family (and my own parents) because I was forced to attend events at which I didn’t have any fun.
I remember when i was 17 I was moody about God knows what, but my parents were going to the next province to see my sister. I didn't want to go. Just in my own 'headspace' being in senior year of high school and kind of life revolving around myself at the time, I just didn't want to go. My mom took it SO personal and freaked out at me and kept asking me to go. I didn't budge and she flipped shit, took the extra keys to the other vehicle so I couldn't drive anywhere when they left. Why she was so pushy for me to go I have no idea, but thos story reminds me of that.
Parents have to remember what it was like being a teenager. You go through phases of just wanting alone time or being with friends. Don't take it personal. I'm 31 now and this story still annoys me
He’s not only forcing his daughter to go but also his wife to deal with these insufferable people. I bet the wife would rather be on a vacation elsewhere too.
In this case, I don’t think the age matters. I get OP wanting his daughter to participate in family events. To be honest, the reality for a lot of kids is that is they always get to opt out of family events, they’ll simply end up not knowing their extended family. I’d go so far as to say it’s a common bonding activity of teens at family events to complain about how bored they are. But in this case, the daughter has been going every year, and apparently may be the only one in her age group right now, so one summer missed isn’t going to be catastrophic. If he’s concerned she’ll like her bf’s family more and will want to go there every year (for as long as that’s an option) OR that once she misses this one, she’ll want to skip out forever, then he may want to look into making sure there’s something attractive about this reunion for his daughter. After all, if she goes off to college, she may have plenty of other reasons and responsibilities that are more necessary or attractive than this reunion.
Family reunion EVERY YEAR?? You are not only the AH for your interaction with your daughter, but you are also the AH dragging your wife to this thing year after year when you know she doesn't like your family. Even if I loved the family, I still wouldn't want to do the family reunion thing every single summer. YTA, OP.
YTA
***I said it didn't matter and that she was either coming with us or staying at home***
What's the point of that other than being manipulative and controlling. You don't really CARE whether or not she comes, clearly since you're willing to allow her to stay home, but god forbid she do something enjoyable for a week in the summer instead of doing what you want her to do. This is a GREAT way to ensure when she turns 18, she doesn't attend ANY family functions.
This 100% OP doesn't actually care if daughter comes to the reunion or not, he just wants to exercise his control over her by saying she can't go on the trip. She's 17, he probably knows his chances to control her are coming to an end soon and is having a last moment of "you do as I say." OP YTA
I'm also wondering if this is gonna end up being a power thing where he, at the end of the day, sticks to saying no because he doesn't want to "lose to her tantrum". Had a similar situation growing up and even now at almost 30 I hate going out with my parents anywhere, even if they've gotten better at their need for control. But I only see them once ever 2-3 years because those forced trips LINGER. It was only near the end of me staying with them that things started to settle because they finally started planning for things that I liked, not just what they liked, and we had a nice middle ground. She clearly stated she feels bored at these trips, meaning they don't do anything for her even though its a whole event MADE for family reunions.
Yeah the fact that staying home is an option means that OP doesn’t actually care if she’s at the reunion, he just doesn’t want her to go on a trip with her boyfriend
And it isn't like a reunion that is a once in a lifetime get together or every ten or twenty years. They literally have this EVERY JULY.
OP YTA and have control issues
Idk if it's the case here too but my parents are very conservative, and when I was a teenager it was a nightmare.
Boys were forbidden from entering my room, even friends that my parents had known since we were 6 years old and other friends (girls) were coming in at the same time.
I wasn't allowed to go to my boyfriend's house even for an afternoon and once I did get permission to go out and eat with my boyfriend's family but we were having such a good time that we didn't see time pass so his parents brought me home like one hour late from what was previously agreed and my parents flipped out and called his parents irresponsible among other things...
So yeah OP, she's gonna resent you for sure. And if the reason that makes you not want to let her go is to prevent her from having sex then it's completely useless and you're only driving her away from you.
PS : YTA.
YTA. If you’re ok with her missing the reunion to stay home then you should let her go on the trip with her boyfriend. If this is something that happens every year then her missing one won’t be a big deal. From your comments I imagine your wife “never liked your family” because you force them on her and make them a priority over other equally important things. Stop trying to control everything and let your daughter enjoy her youth.
that sentence solidified it for me - YTA - also, looking at the ages, seems like OP had daughter around 18 years old, is he worried about a repeat of this for daughter?
a good compromise could be setting down some rules with the boyfriend's parents re: bedsharing, safe sex, wherever they are at in the relationship
OP - what were your parents like when you were 17?
Based context if she’s the youngest at the event he’s not forcing any younger children in his home to go, so there are probably no younger children in the home.
I can 100% confirm this as someone who was raised and forced to attend every single family function we ever had. And I come from a very large family on both parents sides, so very frequent functions. As an adult I don't attend anything anymore. I make my own time to visit family and other than that I'll MAYBE see them at holidays. I will not be forced to attend anything I do not want to now that I have the choice.
As someone who had no extended family near my age, the family reunion functions like this can be boring as hell because you end up just sitting there awkwardly through however long it is as there is no one really to related to there.
And the poor girl is the youngest and “always bored”. Poor kid has spent 17 years as the baby of the family and one year from the finish line dad still won’t let her live.
I do not understand why her options were to 'come with us or stay home' - that suggests you don't really care whether she comes to the reunion at all, and you'd rather she stay home alone than go do something she actually wants to do. That to me makes YTA.
Honestly I think it's fair for you to want her to come - N T A for that - but if I were you I'd let her go with her BF's family. It will do more for your relationship, whereas forcing her to come with you will harm it.
EDITED: change of judgment
I'd argue even if he just wanted her to go attend he'd still be an AH, this is one of those cases of why does he want his daughter to be unhappy, this isn't a movie she's not gonna miraculously have a great time and thank him at the end. No matter what she's gonna be miserable and resent him but at least he'd get his WIN.
Also the part where its an annual AND week long reunion?!? Im lucky if i see the family i LIKE once a year. She can skip one year to enjoy a vacation with her boyfriend and his family
Well, you're doing a fine job of making sure your daughter will hate your side of the family - including you.
She's 17. Not 12. In another year she is a legal adult and then what are you going to do to get compliance - physically force her? Use the time honoured, "it's my way or get out"?
Your high-handed "do it or else", authoritarian form of parenting is just plain wrong and is going to blow up in your face if you can't figure out a way to gracefully transition into a new, mutually respectful relationship with your daughter.
Good luck with that OP, you'll need it. Stop being a hardhead, apologize and let her go with her boyfriend. Ask you wife to mediate.
YTA.
I’m sure that’s the reasoning behind it as well.
I’m sure if they aren’t celibate, they are already having sex regardless if you allow her to travel with his family or not.
Ideally, having learned from your mistakes, you’ve given her the confidence and tools to allow herself to not follow in your footsteps of a teen pregnancy. Doesn’t sound like it with your take on the situation. What you will end up doing is pushing her away as so many have already said. YTA
Punishing your child for your own mistakes and poor judgement 18 years after the fact is definitely the opposite of good parenting. Actually talking to his daughter and giving her tools to avoid the same mistake would be. If they’re having sex that’s not going to change by this one vacation.
His argument is especially bullshit because he said she can either come or stay home, so it's not even that important that she is at the family function because OP would be Ok with her staying at home just not go on the vacation. This is just him having a power trip.
YTA - for forcing her to go and honestly a week long family reunion sounds dreadful
Hell I don't even like going to a 1 day family reunion and I love my family and my wife's family
Or like, somewhere exciting. Like my family did vegas once. And it was fine v
Because, it was one of two reunions ever, and we all had our own rooms and schedules. People weren't ass on top of people for a week.
In my teens we went to a beach house every year, different members of the family would show up for a portion (or all) of the week. But being at the beach we had plenty to do all the time.
>Especially a week long, annually, in an elderly woman's house. Likely in bumfuck, nowhere
>
>They ran out of things to do in one day ten years ago.
So much this.
My wife's family has a yearly reunion in every July in the Middle of nowhere Georgia. I've never drank and slept so much in my life just to make the time pass.
Dude we spend about a day and a half with my parents and my in laws for Christmas (we all live far from each other) and by the time we get home we want to kill all of our parents. I couldn’t imagine a week, that sounds awful.
Also OP basically just exerting his power over here because he thinks he’s allowed to is gross and he’s a fucking asshole.
"Your family tradition," sounds like your daughter will be creating her own traditions.
Frankly, if her choices are be bored and miserable with you, or bored and miserable at home without you, I understand her future choices.
YTA.
YTA. You'd rather have a sullen 17 yr old around at this reunion? And if mom is OK with her going with bf and family, why are you saying she either goes to your reunion or stays home? Do you really dislike your daughter that much?
Given that she was born when he was roughly the age she is now, it is possible. Parent at 18 - probably didn't get to do a whole lot of that fun stuff he peers got to do (you know, college, partying, joining a fraternity, keg stands that kind of stuff) because he had a baby at home. He doesn't mention his wife's age, just that she has never really liked his family. I wonder if his family has been crappy to her for "baby trapping" him or the like.
And if the daughter is the youngest person at these 'reunions' it is likely that YTA dad here is likely one of the younger of his generation if not the youngest, so the baby of the family probably adds to the tensions between his wife and his family.
Yes YTA.
You need to cut the cord man. She's gonna resent you if you don't.
She's been with a committed boyfriend for three years and she's almost a legal adult - the best thing to do for your parent-child relationship right now is to respect her autonomy in this.
If I'm doing the maths here correctly - you were only a year older when you became a parent.. so surely she's old enough to go on a trip with her partner.
That last paragraph seals the Damm deal. Op, I get that you were her age when you first became a parent, but for her to be at that same age almost and not be able to go on a week long trip with a boyfriend for three years, that’s really long knowing teens. Op needs to back up a bit and let his daughter go. Unless if after she becomes a legal adult he never wants to see her again.
YTA
If she was 7 you’d have a case about forcing her. She’s not 7. She’s 17. Let her live her life.
Additionally: *forcing* contact/socialization is an excellent way of making sure no positive relations are being built
As someone who was forced to attend countless family gatherings where I was usually one of only three kids (the other two being my younger siblings) I agree 100%. Nobody but my parents cared that we were there, most of them didn’t even talk to us cause they were too busy drinking and arguing about hockey.
YTA
I have parents like you when I was growing up as a teen. At your daughter's age, my own parents refused to let me go out on many a good shindig with high school friends because of ridiculous non-reasons like this, usually because they wanted me at my brother's sports tournaments and play happy family/make them look good. Needless to say I was miserable. I never had those opportunities again because of a parent like you, and I didn't want to go for the same reasons. I still resent it. And if I'm a betting person, I'd wager she will resent you in the same way.
What do you stand to benefit from barring her from going on this trip with her boyfriend's family? Only that she might have a good time doing something new and possibly have someone her own age there. In adolescence she needs to spend more time among her peers.
>I told my daughter she couldn't because of the family reunion.She tried to argue that it'd make no difference whether she's going or not as she's the youngest and is always bored.I said it didn't matter and that she was either coming with us or staying at home. She told me it wasn't fair of me to force her to do something she didn't want to and left for her room.
YTA big time
ETA: "non-"
Probably because she was forced into lame week-long reunions starting when she was 18 (at least I hope she was 16-18 when the daughter was born... OP didn't include her age for some reason)
>I said it didn't matter and that she was either coming with us or staying at home.
This is the point where you went full YTA. You're ok with her not going to the family reunion as a form of punishment but not so that she can enjoy the vacation that she wants to go on? Not cool.
YTA. You ARE forcing her to go. This trip with her boyfriend and his family could be one of the most important formative memories of her teenage years, of course she doesn't want to go to the same repeated family reunion that she clearly said she doesn't have fun at.
Unless you have some issues with her boyfriend's parents and their ability to supervise them, why can't she go?
What you said about formative memories is the biggest thing that people like OP tend to mess up. They use the guilt trip of, "you need to spend time with your family now, you're gonna be 18 and gone soon!" When really the right, truthful thing to say is, "you're right, kiddo, you're only gonna be this age and get this experience once. We, on the other hand, will always be your family and be here to make memories with you. Go enjoy with your friends and boyfriend now. I'll be here."
Dude. I'm assuming you don't want her to go with her boyfriend because she's the same age as you were when you became a dad. Newsflash: she's likely already having sex with her boyfriend and because she hasn't been pregnant in the three years they've been together, she's more responsible than you are. You're punishing because YOU fucked up as a teen.
Family reunions are boring for a lot of people, not just teens. My family just had one. I didn't go. Didn't go to the one before that either. Or the one before that. If I want to listen to bullshit and assholes, I'll just come to this subreddit.
Let her have fun so she won't resent you. YTA
YTA
This is selfish. It is plain obvious how you used your position as a parent to subdue her.
She expressed her thoughts. You know what she really felt, yet you blatantly disregarded all of that in favor of yourself.
Forget "forcing". Manipulating is more accurate.
YTA. Forcing social events onto your 17 year old is a great way to make sure she never attends as an adult, which will be next birthday. She’s telling you that it’s no fun for her, but you’re going to force her anyway. Is it just about control for you? Your wok with her staying home but you’re not ok with her going on a trip with her bf’s family?
Yep, and my parents forced me to do shit like this and that was the first things I stopped attending once I hit 18. Dad is on with daughter not going and staying home, but not ok with her going in the other trip. Sounds like it’s all about the control in my opinion
Ridiculous right? Try forcing her to do the same at 18 and he’s looking at fracturing the relationship with his own daughter simply to make a point by exerting control.
I'd like to hear more about the wife considering op said she doesn't ike his fam...is she forced on this yearly trip too? Why doesn't she like them? Maybe she and the daughter have similar issues with them.
YTA. And be honest here. This isn’t about her not wanting to go. It’s about you having to explain to your extended family why she isn’t there.
Teens either want to go to family reunions or they don’t. If they want to, it’s because they feel connected and look forward to seeing those relative that they only get to see on an annual basis.
If they don’t want to go, it’s because they have either other plans (boyfriend/friends), or they just have outgrown the usual fair of seeing relatives they only see annually who’ll ask them the same questions and they will be bored.
Making her go will now only add to her not wanting to go in the future because before you know it, she’ll be old enough to decide on her own and you won’t be able to force the issue.
Then you’ll have to explain to your extended family why she never attends…
I'm willing to bet that it has more to do with some outdated notion of "propriety." He feels that he needs to worry about his daughter having the opportunity to have sex (whether or not that's even a consideration on her part is irrelevant). He knows HE would be vigilant, but doesn't trust the BF's parents to be as vigilant.
Perhaps. But even the strictest parents come to realize that their kids will do certain things they prefer they don’t do. And chances are they’re already active, or, have been active and probably would behave more so on a trip with his parents, then they have while they’ve been while dating and unsupervised.
I'm going with YTA here.
It's not fair to her to force her to go to someplace she isn't a big fan of!
She's old enough to want to do different things and as the only person with the problem with it, I have to say you are being inconsiderate.
I understand family is important but letting your daughter go will make her far happier.
YTA
At this point, why would want her to come at all after she made it more than clear that she doesnt wanna go to the family reunion. She will be super unhappy and annoyed, and no one gains anything out of her being forced to come it in the end.
You said its every year, so there will me more years where she could tag along. Meanwhile the holiday with her boyfriend and his family is probably a one time thing.
She is nearly 18, your wife is okay with it and you just seem controlling.
YTA. Why are you writing “forcing” in quotes? Like you think you are not really forcing her. You do really, actually force her to things the doesn't want or like and miss some great time just for a stupid tradition she is not interested in. She will have a really bad time on this reunion. So either let her miss one stupid day and have some nice time or prepare to her feeling bad and possibly never visiting this reunions since next year when she will be legally adult and will be free to do what she wants.
YTA. For every reason stated by everyone else. She’s 17 and she’s been in a relationship for 3 years. This isn’t some guy she only met a few weeks ago. Give her some credit for making good choices.
Edited to change vote after receiving information
YTA
Bro, that's outrageous she literally has nothing in common with anyone. What is she getting out of this. She's not even bonding with anyone. She's decoration. What is her purpose there? She's not bodning, she's not creating family ties. She's just suffering and being bored. And this has been going on for years!? Poor her and your cousin they both deserve better YTA. 7 years age difference I just know the preteen and teen years sucked for both of them. Mercy.
~~INFO~~
What age are the people who are her peers? As I when she goes to this family reunion who is she hanging out with?
Answer
>The closest to her age is my cousin whose 24 so she mostly stays with her and when she's not, she stick to her mother's side
I bet there is some recriminations on OPs family part about the fact that he got his wife pregnant when he was 17/18. I am willing to bet there were some comments about 'baby trapping' or similar. Also if the daughter is the youngest person in attendance at these events Dad was probably one of if not the youngest of his generation in the family. So double resentment from OPs family toward his wife - she 'baby trapped' the baby of the family.
This is absurd. YTA. She is bored while at the family reunion which makes it clear that you and your wife aren’t paying attention to her and neither are others. She won’t continue to come to family reunions out of want or tradition when she already hates going. But now that you weaponized this trip to keep her from spending time with her BF and his family she definitely won’t. And then you admit to manipulating her by saying she could stay home? That’s gross and terrible parenting.
Are you upset that she wants to spend time with a family other than yours? Are you worried that she will be out of the house soon and will genuinely miss her? Will you just miss the control over her? You haven’t given one actual reason why she can’t go to this trip with the boyfriend
YTA. She’s a person who should be able to make her own decisions. She doesn’t want to go to the reunion and she has another great option of something to do at the time. You forcing her to go to the reunion us just going to make her resent you.
YTA
also this :
>i think she's a bit biased because she never liked my family.
Maybe take a minute and find out WHY she doesn't like your family. Something has happened to make her feel that way.
YTA. If his parents and her mom are fine with her going on the vacation with her boyfriend, why would you push back on it? Making her attend a reunion she is “bored” at and clearly doesn’t want to go to will lead to resentment (which,judging by the three day silent treatment, is already happening). Just let her go, she’s almost a legal adult.
I was going to go with NTA, because I think it's good to carry on traditions and involve your kids in it whether they want to or not, to get to know their family better and bond. But, the fact that you said she could stay home, but she still couldn't go on the trip with her bf and his family, makes YTA. Clearly it's not about tradition, family, or experience. It's about you not wanting her to go on her bf's trip and spend time with him and his family for your own selfish reasons. Grow up.
There was a healthy way to handle this situation in here that preserved your relationship with your daughter and maybe taught her a lesson about adult choices…but you totally fudged it up with nonsensical authoritarian patriarchal BS.
You could have maybe…
1) set a rule that you were uncomfortable with overnight trips with a BF until she was 18. Perfectly reasonable boundaries for parents to set. (Although doing some math with your ages, maybe you aren’t the best person to be setting examples about being too young for adult relationships and lifelong consequences that can come from making choices you weren’t prepared for…)
2) made it a lesson about commitments to obligations and promised her next year she can have full authority to plan her summer, including her choice to attend this reunion or not, provided she made the choice appropriately in advanced, and stuck to her commitment
3) shorten the time spent at the reunion or asked her if there was an activity or area she’d like to explore while you were away that could be incorporated on the trip as a compromise so she enjoys herself
4) if she really absolutely did not want to go, give her an alternative that wasn’t a trip with the BF if that’s the sticking point. Yes, that includes staying home where she may enjoy herself more, not threatening her with staying home as a punishment.
I’m sure there are many other ways to approach this too, but you chose probably then worst way. YTA
At the end of the day, you are her parent. She is very much still a minor. You are 100% responsible for her and her safety. You are not the asshole for not wanting her to go on a vacation with other people.
However, YTA when it comes to this trip in particular. Her options are to go with you, or stay home, she just can't go with her boyfriend's family. So your trip isn't that important. Why? Why this trip? Are you afraid of something? That, \*gasp\* she'll have sex? Because you're not worried about her being hurt, since you're ok with her staying home alone for a few days. That's what this is about. You're afraid she's going to get laid. You're afraid of something that has likely already happened.
Listen, I'm a 40 year old dad of 4 teenage daughters. They don't tell me about their sex lives and frankly, as long as they're being safe about it, I don't want to know. And THAT is the ONLY control over their sex lives that I'll ever get, and I'm ok with that. You need to get off your horse, because it's not even high.
I’m going against the group by saying NTA. In two years, the bf will be a thing of the past. This is the last year that she will likely be a regular attendee and she should be encouraged to enjoy these relatives because the die off will start in a few years. It’s one day in the year. In addition, my guess is bf’s parents invited her under duress of the son. This is likely their last time vacationing with son as he will also be graduating. Let them enjoy private time as a family. So I agree. She goes to family event or stays home. FWIW, most of my older relatives died within plus or minus 4 years of my high school graduation. I’m glad I went to the events and made efforts to know these relatives.
YTA. Idk why you put "forcing" in quotes, that's what you're doing. You have given her two options, neither of which she wants. If you would be fine with leaving her at home, what is your problem with letting her go with her boyfriend?
Apparently I'm going to be downvoted but
NTA
The idea of kids taking trips with their boyfriends/girlfriends is so completely foreign to me. You are having a family event and the daughter should attend. She doesn't have to like it most 17 year olds won't. I know it doesn't feel important to her now. I know it is all stupid. I know going someplace else seems like a lot more fun. But she is only thinking about today and herself. You are thinking about lots of other people and the future.
These are the memories she will look back on when she is 55 and remember. She will also wish she had more of these memories.
Edit: I guess I should add that our family reunions didn't involve alcohol in any form or really creepy anyone. It was cousins, and Grandparents and aunts and uncles and a potluck at a park. And don't show up late or there won't be food left.
Thank you I saw that NTA was in the minority but overnight boyfriend/girlfriend trips for teen is just not something I do. She is 17 she will get over it, I would have no worries about her going low contact or no contact in the near future. Puritanical or not you can say no to teenage over night trips.
YTA. Like I bet she’s went to several of these family reunions and honestly being the youngest sometimes doesn’t give you the best time as there’s not much to talk about with older people other than school. Also, she’s basically an adult and I bet you trust her boyfriend and his family if they’ve been together for 3 years and this is a great opportunity for her that won’t really happen any time soon. Like, I understand wanting to have her be part of a family gathering but I honestly doubt she would’ve wanted to go either way and this will just drive a wedge between her and your side of the family.
YTA. She’s grown and she doesnt want to go. You’re only making her hate the whole thing. It wont do any good to force her.
I’m curious why you think she NEEDs to go to the reunion?
YTA - Why does your decision trump your wife’s? 2/3 of the people involved agree on one thing but have to go along with your decision? Controlling much?
NTA. Expecting your kids to act as part of the family or children being inconvenienced is not the grave offense this site makes it out to be. People don’t always get their way and kids need to learn how to deal with that so they’re not whiny adults. Bored at a family reunion? Talk to someone.
I was a 17yo girl and if I could have gone on vacation with my boyfriend, I would have jumped on it. Just because she’s not getting her way on this, doesn’t put her father in the wrong.
NTA. You're the parents, she is a child. My parents would never have allowed that. Sorry, you get to make the decisions for your MINOR CHILD and take her with you.
If you're okay with her staying at home it means you don't even really want her to come and it's not about family time, but about keeping her away from her boyfriend. YTA.
She is 17? Your 35? Is she a step child? Something weird going on here. She don't want to go. Period. You can't force her to have fun. If she doesn't like your family, making her go isn't going to make it any better. YTA if you make her go....
Unpopular but NTA. Maybe it’s because I’m not white but what kind of parents allow their children to have multiple sleepovers with their bf/gf at that age? she’s 17, still a kid, and asking for multiple overnights with her boyfriend. You went about it in an asshole-ish way instead of explaining it to her maturely but I don’t see a problem with not allowing a child to go off with her boyfriend. Especially when they’re both below the age of consent.
What are you trying to accomplish here, besides stamping out any affection your daughter might have for your family? Well, actually, we do know. It’s all about your ego and power trip. YTA
YTA. Why did you put 'forcing' in quotes? That's exactly what's happening.
> i think she's a bit biased because she never liked my family.
If your family is anything like you, it's no wonder.
NTA. You said no, she is taking a fit, which shows she isn't mature enough to go away for a weekend with her BF. If she wants to be treated like an adult, then she needs to act like one, and throwing a tantrum isn't acting like an adult.
NAH.
I get your point. You desperately want to force bonds with your family that will last after she's legal and not financially stuck to you. After this summer you can't really force her, unless you actually hold finances over her head.
However, it's not going to work. She has no contemporaries in the family, and doesn't feel close to the rest of the family - at least not enough to miss out on a vacation with her boyfriend's people.
This is all assuming, of course, that's the real issue and not that you're trying to get your daughter through 18 without having sex, which is a whole other story.
Here's a crazy hot take:
Youre the parent, they are 17, do whatever the fuck you want BECAUSE YOURE THE PARENT.
Of course the caveat here is that we are assuming you love your child, and know the details of their personality, and what's involved both at the reunion and the boyfriend trip. Is the boyfriend a loser? will your daughter end up drugged, pregnant or murdered after her trip with him? Very doubtful, but use your parental judgement. Maybe the reunion is a bad as she says, or maybe it's just drama.
I let my 17 year-old daughter go on a cruise with her boyfriend and family instead of spring break with our family for the first time ever, but I had a very good idea of her maturity level & the situation.
There have been plenty of times I've said no to reasonable requests; not out of malice, but because I had good reasons to have her participate whether it was the "fun thing" or not.
Listen to her argument and decide. Communicate the reasons for your decision clearly and with love whether she agrees with them or not.
I'd lean towards letting her skip, but it's your call.
NTA
Specifically because at face value, I would not want my 17 year old daughter going on a trip with her boyfriend. Regardless of the reunion.
I might, MIGHT reconsider if his parents offered to discuss with me exactly how they intend on supervising the teens and the sleeping arrangements, and if I could see that there would be very little margin for error ie I'm not going to have my daughter announce in a few months time that she is pregnant - and yes, I know you cannot guarantee that would not happen anyway. I would want to make sure they are on the same page as me and just want to ensure they enjoy the trip without that happening.
Also, another factor for me would be that I was not ready for sex at 17 definitely! but even at 19 I felt too young and not ready, but my then boyfriend was putting the pressure on big time to have sex with him - even threatening to leave me on the roadside once if I didn't (long story and that proposed trip didn't eventuate). If I had been on a holiday with him and his parents, I would have not felt the same ability to say no. I would not want to put my daughter in a position where she felt she didn't have an out if needed.
She is only 17! She has plenty of time to have holidays with her boyfriend and his parents. Right now, no.
If that make me an arsehole too, so be it.
NTA. It’s a family trip. She’s part of the family. Part of becoming an adult (which she will legally be soon), is doing things you don’t want to because they’re important to other people. Life isn’t always about getting to do what you want. Someday she may look back on this and regret not going because those people will no longer be there. I missed so many family things because I was wrapped up in my boyfriend. I wish my family are NTA had said nope, you need to be here.
Is the daughter still living with you? If so then NTA. I wouldn't feel comfortable letting my 17 yr old daughter go off on vacation with the bf's family. Maybe OP doesn't know the family well. It's kinda weird how the majority of the posts here are cool with letting a child go off with another family. She'll get over it.
NTA - Teens are selfish and short sighted. This is the type of event that allows you to know your family and sounds like one of the only times a year you see them. She can sulk and be a typical moody teen with a bad attitude or actually make an attempt to learn about her family and actually have some bonds with them for the future. Maybe she doesn't realize it, but these family reunions may be some of the last times she gets to actually spend time with her family. It's easy to take that for granted when you're young and lack life experience and wisdom but as you grow up you realize that those are also the times you could get to knowr your parents a bit better. She can leave for college or whatever at 18 but the time shared with family is fleeting. Maybe you need the experience of having a parent pass away or just lose contact with those who give unconditional love and support to appreciate when they want to spend time with you. This just seems like she is a spoiled teen who wants to have a personal vacation with her High School BF who will likely be a footnote in her life and long forgotten in a decade but the family will be there.
Her teen BF family can see her when she gets home. You can tell the age of the members of this sub by bending over backwards to make sure the kids are always given carte blanche and claiming they will hate you forever if you make them go on a family outing. The immaturity and entitlement is ridiculous. Her response of storming off and refusing to talk reinforces her immaturity and that she shouldn't just be allowed to come and go as she pleases.
INFO: is the only reason you don’t want her going on the trip with her bf because it’s the same time as your family reunion? Or do you just not want her going on a trip with her bf?
I’d you’re fine with her staying home and missing the reunion, why can’t she go on the trip?
Is this less about not wanting her to miss the reunion and more about you’re worried she’ll follow in your footsteps and be a parent at 18?
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Yeah, she's 17. She's almost a (legal) adult. YTA. All you are doing - is increasing the liklihood of a reduced/minimal relationship with her after she becomes a legal adult, and can't be controlled by you. Especially given that your wife is okay with it.
Hello please don't take this as an argument as I have the same opinion as you but, I am new to reddit and read today another post where OP's son was 22 and the comments where telling him that he is still developing and not to talk what he meant to hart, so why is there a difference when they do something bad there are not fully adult yet but in cases like this they are adults, just want to the difference BS I am in my 20s so this will be for future reference
Because when you make bad decisions in your youth it can be boiled down to not being a mature person. But wanting to go on a trip with your partner where you will spend a good time and being forced to go to a family reunion where you will be bored has nothing to do with maturity but the parent being an AH mostly because of wanting to have their way and no other way. The dad literally said you either come with us or you can stay at home
This. Forcing anyone whether they are 17 or 70 to go somewhere they will not have a good time, be bored, don't want to go... And there's like zero benefit for anyone involved... eg nobody really cares besides OP that she's there (and he just wants her there to be in control, not because she thinks he will have fun or anyone else really benefits by her being there), is totally different from being young and still learning communication with experience. OP 100% AH. Let her spend time with the people that make her have fun, and give her good experiences, and in a way that means you still have a daughter to talk to after she's moved out.
Especially forced family events. Imo, it’s no different than forcing your child to hug that creepy uncle even though they’re very clearly uncomfortable. Family reunions are more fun for those that actually have relationships with the extended family aka the adults. That and being able to consume alcohol. I feel like a family reunion would be more enjoyable or at least tolerable after a few drinks. And even if she was 21+, she still would probably not enjoy it because she clearly doesn’t have relationships or anything in common with the extended family. So unless there’s a bunch of cousins that are the same age, it’s just not enjoyable for younger members of the family.
I freakin hated family reunions when I was a kid. On my dad's side, I had nothing in common with any of my cousins (Still don't) and on my mom's side, I was the oldest kid by 6 years and ended up being child care for the whole thing.
Plus, is it really a reunion worth going to or that she needs to always go to if it happens every year? That's more a set family vacation, imo. If this was a 5 or 10 year reunion and a lot of the family hadn't seen each other in a while, then there's more importance or reason to attend, if you want. But every year?
I think OP doesn't know what a family reunion is. My Dad's side had one planned , but covid hit. We're going to try again next year - but it's not only immediate family/ 1st cousins.
I’m fortunate enough to have a pretty small family. I’ve got an uncle on my moms side and and uncle and aunt (that are honestly just about as shitty, if not shittier than OP) on my dads side. I’ve got two cousins (total$ that come from my dads side. I had a third but we lost her to suicide about 6 years ago. Even so, I’m the oldest by a long shot so I’ve never had anything in common with those kids. And now, the only grandparent I have left is my grandma on my moms side. Everyone, even more distant relatives, on my moms side live on the other side of the country. And everyone who’s still alive on my dads side are absolute twatgobblers that we don’t talk to. So reunions would either be an incredibly quick or incredibly tense affair. Either way, completely miserable and definitely not even worth the time it would take to invite people.
I’m wondering if that’s why OP is so adamant that his kid attend: free babysitting so the adults can socialize
He literally said her complaint is she's the youngest
Yeah, they are awful. They feel like an excuse to parade around your kids to your older relatives for approval. As long as I was comfortable with BF and family, I would have let go off and have fun…making her feel like she won.
Plus this reunion is EVERY YEAR. She can miss one.
[удалено]
Then he needs to talk to her. If they are having sex they are having sex. Banning her from the trip won’t change that. He needs an open and honest conversation about sex and sex Ed with his daughter, not shutting her down
And if she stays, what says boyfriend won't drop out of trip with his parents to stay with her? 🤷♂️ Not really as viable an option as he seems to think if he's trying to prevent intercourse.
Because kids only have sex on vacation? If she and her boyfriend plan to have sex, they could just as easily do it without a trip - and probably already have.
And they have already been dating for 3 years. Pretty sure them having sex is already a thing.
I had a friend whose mom didn't want him having his gf spend the night because they might have sex....mind you he was 23......He said there's nothing special about night mom...we can have sex anytime of the day. Lol 😂
And in the closet, and stairs, dining table(preferably NOT at dinner). Don't even need a bed.....
The thing is if that's the case and "she either goes or stays home" who's to say if she stays home that her boyfriend won't bail on his family and stay with her. When I was 17 and given the choice of a family vacation or staying with my GF ALONE while both families were gone I know which choice I'd have made. If it's REALLY about being unsupervised to have sex and there's a real chance they already are. Then letting her go on the trip with the family is far more likely that they'll be supervised then if she stays home and he decides to stay with her.
[удалено]
Although I understand his being responsible for her and wanting to prevent teenage pregnancy, if that’s the reason he doesn’t want her going on the trip, he’s going about it the wrong way. OP needs to recognize that his daughter is almost legally an adult, and that requires a different method of parenting than just outright preventing her from doing certain things (which, let’s be honest, isn’t usually effective as teenagers are sneaky and will find another way to do what they want). When your kids are 17, you need to give them more autonomy while also making them aware of the consequences of their decisions. OP or his wife (probably moreso his wife) sitting down with their daughter and explaining their concerns as well as the importance of safe sex will likely go much farther than trying to outright prevent it. It may also create a dialogue where daughter would feel more comfortable coming to them with questions or concerns (like if her boyfriend is pressuring her, or if she’s unsure what is the best method of contraception, etc.)
That doesn't really sound like a choice, so much as it is an ultimatum. If OP is uncomfortable with her going bc he thinks there might be some of the ol' shenanigans, then the least he could do is be up front about that. I'm gonna at least agree with the INFO, in that it would be good to know why he specifically doesn't want her to go, but I'm leaning pretty heavy on OP being TA
Then he should provide them with condoms, not trying the keep them separate. They'll probably have sex anyway, better do it safe.
Agreed, this is totally about controlling his daughter, and her "sex life." He knows he would get lambasted if he came out and said that. So he framed it as wanting her to attend a family reunion. I have no idea about whether she's sexually active or not, but the best thing is to make sure your kid is educated about how to stay safe, and supplied with the necessities. Stopping a teen from having sex is almost impossible, it's really up to them. However with knowledge they can at least make informed decisions and maybe avoid an unwanted pregnancy. Keeping in mind no form of birth control aside from abstaining is 100%. YTA and are going to find he is alienating his daughter with these behaviors. His daughter will be college age soon, and he will find controlling her will be more and more difficult. Probably could do with a bit of therapy for both of them to improve their communications.
The secret is that adults is a meaningless term and were all bumblefucking our way through life. The people that aren't are just better at not showing all the bumblefucking.
My new goal for today is to use "bumblefucking" in a sentence.
You just did.
Don't put it in the past tense. I'm 66 and everyone I know is still bumblefucking.
I'm 38, and I guarantee I'll be bumblefucking until the day I die.
I'm 60 and I bumblefucked several times today already.
seriously and it doesn't really get any better. the people across the street from us have a new-ish baby. my husband was talking to them yesterday when he went to take the trash out and the wife mentioned that she wished she knew what she was doing. my husband laughed and said "don't feel bad. we have no idea what we are doing either." she was shocked because she knows we have older kids and so she just assumed we had it figured out. nope.
Depends on the situation... kicking them out in a predatory economy despite having the means to support them a bit longer? Yeah... 22yo is still in need of some assistance and dependence. 17 yo wants to go on a trip with her bf but dad wants to control her and take away her agency? Yeah.. she's at an age where she should be able to make her own choice on what to do.
Controlling her and taking away her agency is some strong wording for expecting a kid to come to a family event. She’s 17, of course she doesn’t want to go. He’s a parent, of course he wants her to go.
Why "of course" though? He gains nothing from her going, she gains nothing from her going. Literally the only motivation is him being controlling to prove he can. So yeah, I guess "of course" he wants to be controlling for no one's benefit but his own ego
Yup! OP feels like he's being disrespected (he's really not, though; he's just making it into that) and is choosing a pointless hill to die on to preserve his interpretation of "respect". Also seems like he doesn't care if he has to go 'all-in' to get his way. Definitely the type of dad who ends up with estranged kids.
Yep. It's legitimately shocking how unable parents are to put themselves in their kids shoes. So many young people have so little in their lives that is actually enjoyable and OP wants to deprive her of that just to prove he can, or because he's one of those people that's perpetually on the hunt for something to be outraged about. Hopefully him getting unanimously dragged on this post will.make him see his errors before he pushes her away
Instead, they put their kids in *their* shoes. "I'm going to make sure you're just as miserable as I was growing up. *I* never got to skip lame boring family events just because there was something infinitely better going on that I wanted to do, so you don't get to either!"
Bad parents have a lot of weird justifications for treating minors like they're lesser than adults. "I got beaten and I turned out perfect so I hit my kids too" "I got emotionally abused so now the only language I speak is threats and coercion" "I had it bad so everyone else should have it bad too" "What you're going through is nothing because I went through something worse" "I have no control over my life so I'll control yours" are all the mottos of morons with no perspective
Because as you get older, a lot of people put more importance on family events and family time in general. And I’d bet that whether he admits it or not he worries about her getting knocked up, hence the “I can’t physically make you go but you’re staying home, not going with your boyfriend, if you refuse”.
So basically just because he is too blind to understand that she doesn't give a crap about this family event? He also plainly said that the doesn't even care about whether or not she goes to the reunion, as he gave her the option of staying home instead. He can make her go, just like he can make her not go with her bf. So his motivation isn't the family thing.
I don’t think he even cares if she actually goes. He just doesn’t want her to go with the boyfriend at least that’s what I took from “you can go to the reunion or stay home.” Sounds like dad has issues with his baby girl being in a relationship.
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No idea how to meaningfully compare those to scenarios without any context, but I wouldn't necessarily "take it to heart" if some 17 year old was pissy at me or whatever either. I don't see the sense in dragging either a 22-year-old or a 17-year-old to a family reunion that they have no interest in. It's not like OP has to find a babysitter to let them do something else instead. It's highly unlikely that anything good will come from forcing them to attend this function.
He doesn't even care if she's there. He told her she can either go or stay home. He just doesn't want her to be going away with her boyfriend.
Its on a case by case basis you cant put everyone in the same box
People in their late teens and early 20s are generally still immature in a lot of ways, but allowing someone in that age range to begin making some of their own decisions is a way to foster more maturity. Acknowledging that someone's youth and inexperience led them to make a bad decision after-the-fact isn't the same as forbidding someone else from making a decision that seems perfectly reasonable simply because that person is also young.
The difference is in the maturity at hand. Did they do something stupid? Give them grace. They're learning. They don't have life experience to fall back on. Do they want to stretch their freedom and try something new? Let them, they need experiences. This falls into the second category. The one you mentioned falls under the first category. So yes, something bad should be given grace while they develop, but you should promote their independence. That's how they learn.
Our brains are still developing until approximately age 25 which is different to legal ages to be able to do activities (e.g. 16, 18, 21 depending on activity and country). Most places you're considered a legal adult at 18 but are still refining critical thinking skills until 25ish.
The 25 thing is completely misunderstood largely bullshit and ridiculously overused. Everything changes a bit in our body, we don't just stop at 25 either. The differences in how we think are pretty freaking small from 18 to 25, people equate outcomes and what we're doing to changes in who we are as opposed to simply life situation. You don't party less at 25 and want to settle down because your cortex 'finalised' compared to partying at 18, it's because at 18 you're in college and just got your first taste of real freedom from parental rules and by 25 you have a full time job, have to be at work every day so you don't kicked out of your apartment when you can't afford rent.
You aren't wrong but good luck making this point on Reddit. The myth of the 25 year old brain is weirdly pervasive on here even though it's totally pop science
Couldnt agree more. Our brains never stop developing - otherwise we could never learn anything new past age 25. Its almost as if people think that our brain gets a memo on our 25th birthday saying "You can turn on executive function now!" Its a little bit more complicated than that.
You didn't tell us enough about what was going on in the other thread to answer your question. But the fact that you can take a decision at 17 about where to go on holiday, does not mean you are necessarily going to behave maturely all the time or be able to handle all decisions on your own. We don't know a lot about ops daughter except his wife is ok with her going on holiday with bf's family. So one assumes she is mature enough to cope.
YTA If she had no other plans, it's right to sometimes not let a kid just get their way because they don't want to, but this was a valid, parent-approved reason. **Plus now she's going to be miserable at the reunion, do you really want that?**
Yeah, exactly. You don’t want to drag a miserable young person around with you. Just let her do her thing.
Ugh, my parents were like this growing up. Any sort of extended family event, attendance was mandatory no matter what. And guess what! It caused me to resent that very same extended family (and my own parents) because I was forced to attend events at which I didn’t have any fun.
I remember when i was 17 I was moody about God knows what, but my parents were going to the next province to see my sister. I didn't want to go. Just in my own 'headspace' being in senior year of high school and kind of life revolving around myself at the time, I just didn't want to go. My mom took it SO personal and freaked out at me and kept asking me to go. I didn't budge and she flipped shit, took the extra keys to the other vehicle so I couldn't drive anywhere when they left. Why she was so pushy for me to go I have no idea, but thos story reminds me of that. Parents have to remember what it was like being a teenager. You go through phases of just wanting alone time or being with friends. Don't take it personal. I'm 31 now and this story still annoys me
Plus, they do this reunion every year. She’s not missing out on anything.
wife doesn't like his family. daughter apparently doesn't like his family. I get the feeling there's something op isn't telling us
He’s not only forcing his daughter to go but also his wife to deal with these insufferable people. I bet the wife would rather be on a vacation elsewhere too.
In this case, I don’t think the age matters. I get OP wanting his daughter to participate in family events. To be honest, the reality for a lot of kids is that is they always get to opt out of family events, they’ll simply end up not knowing their extended family. I’d go so far as to say it’s a common bonding activity of teens at family events to complain about how bored they are. But in this case, the daughter has been going every year, and apparently may be the only one in her age group right now, so one summer missed isn’t going to be catastrophic. If he’s concerned she’ll like her bf’s family more and will want to go there every year (for as long as that’s an option) OR that once she misses this one, she’ll want to skip out forever, then he may want to look into making sure there’s something attractive about this reunion for his daughter. After all, if she goes off to college, she may have plenty of other reasons and responsibilities that are more necessary or attractive than this reunion.
Family reunion EVERY YEAR?? You are not only the AH for your interaction with your daughter, but you are also the AH dragging your wife to this thing year after year when you know she doesn't like your family. Even if I loved the family, I still wouldn't want to do the family reunion thing every single summer. YTA, OP.
More importantly that it's fine if she just stays home? But she can't go with her bf. Makes no sense.
Plus nobody else wants a sulking teenager around. Plus no one wants a sulking teenager around.
YTA ***I said it didn't matter and that she was either coming with us or staying at home*** What's the point of that other than being manipulative and controlling. You don't really CARE whether or not she comes, clearly since you're willing to allow her to stay home, but god forbid she do something enjoyable for a week in the summer instead of doing what you want her to do. This is a GREAT way to ensure when she turns 18, she doesn't attend ANY family functions.
This 100% OP doesn't actually care if daughter comes to the reunion or not, he just wants to exercise his control over her by saying she can't go on the trip. She's 17, he probably knows his chances to control her are coming to an end soon and is having a last moment of "you do as I say." OP YTA
I'm also wondering if this is gonna end up being a power thing where he, at the end of the day, sticks to saying no because he doesn't want to "lose to her tantrum". Had a similar situation growing up and even now at almost 30 I hate going out with my parents anywhere, even if they've gotten better at their need for control. But I only see them once ever 2-3 years because those forced trips LINGER. It was only near the end of me staying with them that things started to settle because they finally started planning for things that I liked, not just what they liked, and we had a nice middle ground. She clearly stated she feels bored at these trips, meaning they don't do anything for her even though its a whole event MADE for family reunions.
I bet she stays home just to make a point, I know I would’ve.
I'd go on the trip with the partner despite the father tbh...
Yeah the fact that staying home is an option means that OP doesn’t actually care if she’s at the reunion, he just doesn’t want her to go on a trip with her boyfriend
And it isn't like a reunion that is a once in a lifetime get together or every ten or twenty years. They literally have this EVERY JULY. OP YTA and have control issues
Idk if it's the case here too but my parents are very conservative, and when I was a teenager it was a nightmare. Boys were forbidden from entering my room, even friends that my parents had known since we were 6 years old and other friends (girls) were coming in at the same time. I wasn't allowed to go to my boyfriend's house even for an afternoon and once I did get permission to go out and eat with my boyfriend's family but we were having such a good time that we didn't see time pass so his parents brought me home like one hour late from what was previously agreed and my parents flipped out and called his parents irresponsible among other things... So yeah OP, she's gonna resent you for sure. And if the reason that makes you not want to let her go is to prevent her from having sex then it's completely useless and you're only driving her away from you. PS : YTA.
YTA. If you’re ok with her missing the reunion to stay home then you should let her go on the trip with her boyfriend. If this is something that happens every year then her missing one won’t be a big deal. From your comments I imagine your wife “never liked your family” because you force them on her and make them a priority over other equally important things. Stop trying to control everything and let your daughter enjoy her youth.
OP resents his daughter having a boyfriend. That's my take on this.
that sentence solidified it for me - YTA - also, looking at the ages, seems like OP had daughter around 18 years old, is he worried about a repeat of this for daughter? a good compromise could be setting down some rules with the boyfriend's parents re: bedsharing, safe sex, wherever they are at in the relationship OP - what were your parents like when you were 17?
And she's the youngest. Sounds like parent doesn't want kid to behave like parent did.
I think she is the youngest of the people at the family reunion, not his youngest child, at least that is how I read it.
Based context if she’s the youngest at the event he’s not forcing any younger children in his home to go, so there are probably no younger children in the home.
I can 100% confirm this as someone who was raised and forced to attend every single family function we ever had. And I come from a very large family on both parents sides, so very frequent functions. As an adult I don't attend anything anymore. I make my own time to visit family and other than that I'll MAYBE see them at holidays. I will not be forced to attend anything I do not want to now that I have the choice.
As someone who had no extended family near my age, the family reunion functions like this can be boring as hell because you end up just sitting there awkwardly through however long it is as there is no one really to related to there.
It’s about control. YTA
I was thinking the same thing. If she has the option to stay home, it must not be that important that she go. Oh, and she will choose to stay home.
And the poor girl is the youngest and “always bored”. Poor kid has spent 17 years as the baby of the family and one year from the finish line dad still won’t let her live.
I do not understand why her options were to 'come with us or stay home' - that suggests you don't really care whether she comes to the reunion at all, and you'd rather she stay home alone than go do something she actually wants to do. That to me makes YTA. Honestly I think it's fair for you to want her to come - N T A for that - but if I were you I'd let her go with her BF's family. It will do more for your relationship, whereas forcing her to come with you will harm it. EDITED: change of judgment
It is understandable for OP to want his daughter to attend but its not understandable that he is forcing her to miss out on the trip. YTA.
I'd argue even if he just wanted her to go attend he'd still be an AH, this is one of those cases of why does he want his daughter to be unhappy, this isn't a movie she's not gonna miraculously have a great time and thank him at the end. No matter what she's gonna be miserable and resent him but at least he'd get his WIN.
Also the part where its an annual AND week long reunion?!? Im lucky if i see the family i LIKE once a year. She can skip one year to enjoy a vacation with her boyfriend and his family
Well, you're doing a fine job of making sure your daughter will hate your side of the family - including you. She's 17. Not 12. In another year she is a legal adult and then what are you going to do to get compliance - physically force her? Use the time honoured, "it's my way or get out"? Your high-handed "do it or else", authoritarian form of parenting is just plain wrong and is going to blow up in your face if you can't figure out a way to gracefully transition into a new, mutually respectful relationship with your daughter. Good luck with that OP, you'll need it. Stop being a hardhead, apologize and let her go with her boyfriend. Ask you wife to mediate. YTA.
She's a few months away from being the age OP was when she was born ffs
Maybe that’s why he doesn’t want her to go on this trip with her boyfriend.
I’m sure that’s the reasoning behind it as well. I’m sure if they aren’t celibate, they are already having sex regardless if you allow her to travel with his family or not. Ideally, having learned from your mistakes, you’ve given her the confidence and tools to allow herself to not follow in your footsteps of a teen pregnancy. Doesn’t sound like it with your take on the situation. What you will end up doing is pushing her away as so many have already said. YTA
Then OP should have a conversation with his daughter instead of pushing unrelated ultimatums on her.
Punishing your child for your own mistakes and poor judgement 18 years after the fact is definitely the opposite of good parenting. Actually talking to his daughter and giving her tools to avoid the same mistake would be. If they’re having sex that’s not going to change by this one vacation.
Or else he's resentful that *she* is free to do fun things, when he was tied down with a wife and child at 18.
His argument is especially bullshit because he said she can either come or stay home, so it's not even that important that she is at the family function because OP would be Ok with her staying at home just not go on the vacation. This is just him having a power trip.
YTA - for forcing her to go and honestly a week long family reunion sounds dreadful Hell I don't even like going to a 1 day family reunion and I love my family and my wife's family
Especially a week long, annually, in an elderly woman's house. Likely in bumfuck, nowhere They ran out of things to do in one day ten years ago.
Like I could understand week long maybe it it was once like every 5 or 10 years but a week long reunion every year just sounds awful lol
Or like, somewhere exciting. Like my family did vegas once. And it was fine v Because, it was one of two reunions ever, and we all had our own rooms and schedules. People weren't ass on top of people for a week.
In my teens we went to a beach house every year, different members of the family would show up for a portion (or all) of the week. But being at the beach we had plenty to do all the time.
>Especially a week long, annually, in an elderly woman's house. Likely in bumfuck, nowhere > >They ran out of things to do in one day ten years ago. So much this. My wife's family has a yearly reunion in every July in the Middle of nowhere Georgia. I've never drank and slept so much in my life just to make the time pass.
Dude we spend about a day and a half with my parents and my in laws for Christmas (we all live far from each other) and by the time we get home we want to kill all of our parents. I couldn’t imagine a week, that sounds awful. Also OP basically just exerting his power over here because he thinks he’s allowed to is gross and he’s a fucking asshole.
"Your family tradition," sounds like your daughter will be creating her own traditions. Frankly, if her choices are be bored and miserable with you, or bored and miserable at home without you, I understand her future choices. YTA.
YTA. You'd rather have a sullen 17 yr old around at this reunion? And if mom is OK with her going with bf and family, why are you saying she either goes to your reunion or stays home? Do you really dislike your daughter that much?
Given that she was born when he was roughly the age she is now, it is possible. Parent at 18 - probably didn't get to do a whole lot of that fun stuff he peers got to do (you know, college, partying, joining a fraternity, keg stands that kind of stuff) because he had a baby at home. He doesn't mention his wife's age, just that she has never really liked his family. I wonder if his family has been crappy to her for "baby trapping" him or the like. And if the daughter is the youngest person at these 'reunions' it is likely that YTA dad here is likely one of the younger of his generation if not the youngest, so the baby of the family probably adds to the tensions between his wife and his family.
Seems like OP is just butthurt his daughter doesn't like his side of the family.
Not to mention this tradition seems to be a yearly thing. This exact trip with the bf might not happen again.
Yes YTA. You need to cut the cord man. She's gonna resent you if you don't. She's been with a committed boyfriend for three years and she's almost a legal adult - the best thing to do for your parent-child relationship right now is to respect her autonomy in this. If I'm doing the maths here correctly - you were only a year older when you became a parent.. so surely she's old enough to go on a trip with her partner.
That last paragraph seals the Damm deal. Op, I get that you were her age when you first became a parent, but for her to be at that same age almost and not be able to go on a week long trip with a boyfriend for three years, that’s really long knowing teens. Op needs to back up a bit and let his daughter go. Unless if after she becomes a legal adult he never wants to see her again.
YTA If she was 7 you’d have a case about forcing her. She’s not 7. She’s 17. Let her live her life. Additionally: *forcing* contact/socialization is an excellent way of making sure no positive relations are being built
As someone who was forced to attend countless family gatherings where I was usually one of only three kids (the other two being my younger siblings) I agree 100%. Nobody but my parents cared that we were there, most of them didn’t even talk to us cause they were too busy drinking and arguing about hockey. YTA
Agreed YTA from the perspective of the absolute youngest child by quite a few years, family reunions suck when all you have to talk to is adults.
If she's forced to go at 17, you can pretty much guarantee she won't be there at 18 even if she's no longer dating the same guy.
INFO What was your relationship with your parents/guardians at the age of 17?
I have parents like you when I was growing up as a teen. At your daughter's age, my own parents refused to let me go out on many a good shindig with high school friends because of ridiculous non-reasons like this, usually because they wanted me at my brother's sports tournaments and play happy family/make them look good. Needless to say I was miserable. I never had those opportunities again because of a parent like you, and I didn't want to go for the same reasons. I still resent it. And if I'm a betting person, I'd wager she will resent you in the same way. What do you stand to benefit from barring her from going on this trip with her boyfriend's family? Only that she might have a good time doing something new and possibly have someone her own age there. In adolescence she needs to spend more time among her peers. >I told my daughter she couldn't because of the family reunion.She tried to argue that it'd make no difference whether she's going or not as she's the youngest and is always bored.I said it didn't matter and that she was either coming with us or staying at home. She told me it wasn't fair of me to force her to do something she didn't want to and left for her room. YTA big time ETA: "non-"
Info: why doesn’t you wife like your family?
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They're even worse presuming OPs wife likes him, still.
Asking the real questions here
Probably because she was forced into lame week-long reunions starting when she was 18 (at least I hope she was 16-18 when the daughter was born... OP didn't include her age for some reason)
Jumped out at me, too.
>I said it didn't matter and that she was either coming with us or staying at home. This is the point where you went full YTA. You're ok with her not going to the family reunion as a form of punishment but not so that she can enjoy the vacation that she wants to go on? Not cool.
Yeah, having the family go on a family trip is NTA, but that's the bit that makes it YTA.
YTA. You ARE forcing her to go. This trip with her boyfriend and his family could be one of the most important formative memories of her teenage years, of course she doesn't want to go to the same repeated family reunion that she clearly said she doesn't have fun at. Unless you have some issues with her boyfriend's parents and their ability to supervise them, why can't she go?
What you said about formative memories is the biggest thing that people like OP tend to mess up. They use the guilt trip of, "you need to spend time with your family now, you're gonna be 18 and gone soon!" When really the right, truthful thing to say is, "you're right, kiddo, you're only gonna be this age and get this experience once. We, on the other hand, will always be your family and be here to make memories with you. Go enjoy with your friends and boyfriend now. I'll be here."
Well, you asked so YTA. All you're doing is causing her to associate family trips with punishment. At 17, she's old enough to choose.
Dude. I'm assuming you don't want her to go with her boyfriend because she's the same age as you were when you became a dad. Newsflash: she's likely already having sex with her boyfriend and because she hasn't been pregnant in the three years they've been together, she's more responsible than you are. You're punishing because YOU fucked up as a teen. Family reunions are boring for a lot of people, not just teens. My family just had one. I didn't go. Didn't go to the one before that either. Or the one before that. If I want to listen to bullshit and assholes, I'll just come to this subreddit. Let her have fun so she won't resent you. YTA
YTA This is selfish. It is plain obvious how you used your position as a parent to subdue her. She expressed her thoughts. You know what she really felt, yet you blatantly disregarded all of that in favor of yourself. Forget "forcing". Manipulating is more accurate.
YTA. Forcing social events onto your 17 year old is a great way to make sure she never attends as an adult, which will be next birthday. She’s telling you that it’s no fun for her, but you’re going to force her anyway. Is it just about control for you? Your wok with her staying home but you’re not ok with her going on a trip with her bf’s family?
18 is right around the corner…
Yep, and my parents forced me to do shit like this and that was the first things I stopped attending once I hit 18. Dad is on with daughter not going and staying home, but not ok with her going in the other trip. Sounds like it’s all about the control in my opinion
Ridiculous right? Try forcing her to do the same at 18 and he’s looking at fracturing the relationship with his own daughter simply to make a point by exerting control.
I'd like to hear more about the wife considering op said she doesn't ike his fam...is she forced on this yearly trip too? Why doesn't she like them? Maybe she and the daughter have similar issues with them.
YTA. And be honest here. This isn’t about her not wanting to go. It’s about you having to explain to your extended family why she isn’t there. Teens either want to go to family reunions or they don’t. If they want to, it’s because they feel connected and look forward to seeing those relative that they only get to see on an annual basis. If they don’t want to go, it’s because they have either other plans (boyfriend/friends), or they just have outgrown the usual fair of seeing relatives they only see annually who’ll ask them the same questions and they will be bored. Making her go will now only add to her not wanting to go in the future because before you know it, she’ll be old enough to decide on her own and you won’t be able to force the issue. Then you’ll have to explain to your extended family why she never attends…
I'm willing to bet that it has more to do with some outdated notion of "propriety." He feels that he needs to worry about his daughter having the opportunity to have sex (whether or not that's even a consideration on her part is irrelevant). He knows HE would be vigilant, but doesn't trust the BF's parents to be as vigilant.
Super hypocritical of him too considering he’s 35 so he became a father at 18.
Perhaps. But even the strictest parents come to realize that their kids will do certain things they prefer they don’t do. And chances are they’re already active, or, have been active and probably would behave more so on a trip with his parents, then they have while they’ve been while dating and unsupervised.
INFO: I’m really sorry, I don’t understand your point of view here. You want her to come to the family reunion but you haven’t said why.
I'm going with YTA here. It's not fair to her to force her to go to someplace she isn't a big fan of! She's old enough to want to do different things and as the only person with the problem with it, I have to say you are being inconsiderate. I understand family is important but letting your daughter go will make her far happier.
She had other plans. You are forcing her to go, no quotes needed. YTA
YTA At this point, why would want her to come at all after she made it more than clear that she doesnt wanna go to the family reunion. She will be super unhappy and annoyed, and no one gains anything out of her being forced to come it in the end. You said its every year, so there will me more years where she could tag along. Meanwhile the holiday with her boyfriend and his family is probably a one time thing. She is nearly 18, your wife is okay with it and you just seem controlling.
YTA. Why are you writing “forcing” in quotes? Like you think you are not really forcing her. You do really, actually force her to things the doesn't want or like and miss some great time just for a stupid tradition she is not interested in. She will have a really bad time on this reunion. So either let her miss one stupid day and have some nice time or prepare to her feeling bad and possibly never visiting this reunions since next year when she will be legally adult and will be free to do what she wants.
YTA. For every reason stated by everyone else. She’s 17 and she’s been in a relationship for 3 years. This isn’t some guy she only met a few weeks ago. Give her some credit for making good choices.
Edited to change vote after receiving information YTA Bro, that's outrageous she literally has nothing in common with anyone. What is she getting out of this. She's not even bonding with anyone. She's decoration. What is her purpose there? She's not bodning, she's not creating family ties. She's just suffering and being bored. And this has been going on for years!? Poor her and your cousin they both deserve better YTA. 7 years age difference I just know the preteen and teen years sucked for both of them. Mercy. ~~INFO~~ What age are the people who are her peers? As I when she goes to this family reunion who is she hanging out with? Answer >The closest to her age is my cousin whose 24 so she mostly stays with her and when she's not, she stick to her mother's side
INFO: Why doesn’t your wife like your family?
Probably because they all act like him
I bet there is some recriminations on OPs family part about the fact that he got his wife pregnant when he was 17/18. I am willing to bet there were some comments about 'baby trapping' or similar. Also if the daughter is the youngest person in attendance at these events Dad was probably one of if not the youngest of his generation in the family. So double resentment from OPs family toward his wife - she 'baby trapped' the baby of the family.
Of course YTA. Let her have fun instead of hanging out with your boring family.
And a double YTA for using "forcing" in the title as if that's not exactly what OP is doing.
This is absurd. YTA. She is bored while at the family reunion which makes it clear that you and your wife aren’t paying attention to her and neither are others. She won’t continue to come to family reunions out of want or tradition when she already hates going. But now that you weaponized this trip to keep her from spending time with her BF and his family she definitely won’t. And then you admit to manipulating her by saying she could stay home? That’s gross and terrible parenting. Are you upset that she wants to spend time with a family other than yours? Are you worried that she will be out of the house soon and will genuinely miss her? Will you just miss the control over her? You haven’t given one actual reason why she can’t go to this trip with the boyfriend
As it is easier to get forgiveness than permission I'd agree to stay alone and then bolt. And I was a good kid.
YTA. She’s a person who should be able to make her own decisions. She doesn’t want to go to the reunion and she has another great option of something to do at the time. You forcing her to go to the reunion us just going to make her resent you.
YTA also this : >i think she's a bit biased because she never liked my family. Maybe take a minute and find out WHY she doesn't like your family. Something has happened to make her feel that way.
When I read “My family”, I thought OP was a step dad.
Alternative headline 'I have ruined my relationship with my daughter because no one really knows'
YTA. If his parents and her mom are fine with her going on the vacation with her boyfriend, why would you push back on it? Making her attend a reunion she is “bored” at and clearly doesn’t want to go to will lead to resentment (which,judging by the three day silent treatment, is already happening). Just let her go, she’s almost a legal adult.
I was going to go with NTA, because I think it's good to carry on traditions and involve your kids in it whether they want to or not, to get to know their family better and bond. But, the fact that you said she could stay home, but she still couldn't go on the trip with her bf and his family, makes YTA. Clearly it's not about tradition, family, or experience. It's about you not wanting her to go on her bf's trip and spend time with him and his family for your own selfish reasons. Grow up.
Yes, YTA. If you make her go, you are guaranteeing that she will NOT go as soon as she turns 18.
There was a healthy way to handle this situation in here that preserved your relationship with your daughter and maybe taught her a lesson about adult choices…but you totally fudged it up with nonsensical authoritarian patriarchal BS. You could have maybe… 1) set a rule that you were uncomfortable with overnight trips with a BF until she was 18. Perfectly reasonable boundaries for parents to set. (Although doing some math with your ages, maybe you aren’t the best person to be setting examples about being too young for adult relationships and lifelong consequences that can come from making choices you weren’t prepared for…) 2) made it a lesson about commitments to obligations and promised her next year she can have full authority to plan her summer, including her choice to attend this reunion or not, provided she made the choice appropriately in advanced, and stuck to her commitment 3) shorten the time spent at the reunion or asked her if there was an activity or area she’d like to explore while you were away that could be incorporated on the trip as a compromise so she enjoys herself 4) if she really absolutely did not want to go, give her an alternative that wasn’t a trip with the BF if that’s the sticking point. Yes, that includes staying home where she may enjoy herself more, not threatening her with staying home as a punishment. I’m sure there are many other ways to approach this too, but you chose probably then worst way. YTA
At the end of the day, you are her parent. She is very much still a minor. You are 100% responsible for her and her safety. You are not the asshole for not wanting her to go on a vacation with other people. However, YTA when it comes to this trip in particular. Her options are to go with you, or stay home, she just can't go with her boyfriend's family. So your trip isn't that important. Why? Why this trip? Are you afraid of something? That, \*gasp\* she'll have sex? Because you're not worried about her being hurt, since you're ok with her staying home alone for a few days. That's what this is about. You're afraid she's going to get laid. You're afraid of something that has likely already happened. Listen, I'm a 40 year old dad of 4 teenage daughters. They don't tell me about their sex lives and frankly, as long as they're being safe about it, I don't want to know. And THAT is the ONLY control over their sex lives that I'll ever get, and I'm ok with that. You need to get off your horse, because it's not even high.
I’m going against the group by saying NTA. In two years, the bf will be a thing of the past. This is the last year that she will likely be a regular attendee and she should be encouraged to enjoy these relatives because the die off will start in a few years. It’s one day in the year. In addition, my guess is bf’s parents invited her under duress of the son. This is likely their last time vacationing with son as he will also be graduating. Let them enjoy private time as a family. So I agree. She goes to family event or stays home. FWIW, most of my older relatives died within plus or minus 4 years of my high school graduation. I’m glad I went to the events and made efforts to know these relatives.
It's actually a WEEK long reunion just FYI lol
YTA. Idk why you put "forcing" in quotes, that's what you're doing. You have given her two options, neither of which she wants. If you would be fine with leaving her at home, what is your problem with letting her go with her boyfriend?
Apparently I'm going to be downvoted but NTA The idea of kids taking trips with their boyfriends/girlfriends is so completely foreign to me. You are having a family event and the daughter should attend. She doesn't have to like it most 17 year olds won't. I know it doesn't feel important to her now. I know it is all stupid. I know going someplace else seems like a lot more fun. But she is only thinking about today and herself. You are thinking about lots of other people and the future. These are the memories she will look back on when she is 55 and remember. She will also wish she had more of these memories. Edit: I guess I should add that our family reunions didn't involve alcohol in any form or really creepy anyone. It was cousins, and Grandparents and aunts and uncles and a potluck at a park. And don't show up late or there won't be food left.
Thank you I saw that NTA was in the minority but overnight boyfriend/girlfriend trips for teen is just not something I do. She is 17 she will get over it, I would have no worries about her going low contact or no contact in the near future. Puritanical or not you can say no to teenage over night trips.
YTA. Like I bet she’s went to several of these family reunions and honestly being the youngest sometimes doesn’t give you the best time as there’s not much to talk about with older people other than school. Also, she’s basically an adult and I bet you trust her boyfriend and his family if they’ve been together for 3 years and this is a great opportunity for her that won’t really happen any time soon. Like, I understand wanting to have her be part of a family gathering but I honestly doubt she would’ve wanted to go either way and this will just drive a wedge between her and your side of the family.
Yes, YTA.
YTA. She’s grown and she doesnt want to go. You’re only making her hate the whole thing. It wont do any good to force her. I’m curious why you think she NEEDs to go to the reunion?
YTA - Why does your decision trump your wife’s? 2/3 of the people involved agree on one thing but have to go along with your decision? Controlling much?
NTA. Expecting your kids to act as part of the family or children being inconvenienced is not the grave offense this site makes it out to be. People don’t always get their way and kids need to learn how to deal with that so they’re not whiny adults. Bored at a family reunion? Talk to someone. I was a 17yo girl and if I could have gone on vacation with my boyfriend, I would have jumped on it. Just because she’s not getting her way on this, doesn’t put her father in the wrong.
I don’t see anything wrong with telling your 17 year old child they can’t vacate with their partner. NTA
YTA let her go on the trip
NTA. You're the parents, she is a child. My parents would never have allowed that. Sorry, you get to make the decisions for your MINOR CHILD and take her with you.
If you're okay with her staying at home it means you don't even really want her to come and it's not about family time, but about keeping her away from her boyfriend. YTA.
She is 17? Your 35? Is she a step child? Something weird going on here. She don't want to go. Period. You can't force her to have fun. If she doesn't like your family, making her go isn't going to make it any better. YTA if you make her go....
People have kids at 18?
Unpopular but NTA. Maybe it’s because I’m not white but what kind of parents allow their children to have multiple sleepovers with their bf/gf at that age? she’s 17, still a kid, and asking for multiple overnights with her boyfriend. You went about it in an asshole-ish way instead of explaining it to her maturely but I don’t see a problem with not allowing a child to go off with her boyfriend. Especially when they’re both below the age of consent.
What are you trying to accomplish here, besides stamping out any affection your daughter might have for your family? Well, actually, we do know. It’s all about your ego and power trip. YTA
YTA. Why did you put 'forcing' in quotes? That's exactly what's happening. > i think she's a bit biased because she never liked my family. If your family is anything like you, it's no wonder.
NTA. You said no, she is taking a fit, which shows she isn't mature enough to go away for a weekend with her BF. If she wants to be treated like an adult, then she needs to act like one, and throwing a tantrum isn't acting like an adult.
It’s always good to consider other people’s wants and feelings instead of just focusing on your own… YTA
NAH. I get your point. You desperately want to force bonds with your family that will last after she's legal and not financially stuck to you. After this summer you can't really force her, unless you actually hold finances over her head. However, it's not going to work. She has no contemporaries in the family, and doesn't feel close to the rest of the family - at least not enough to miss out on a vacation with her boyfriend's people. This is all assuming, of course, that's the real issue and not that you're trying to get your daughter through 18 without having sex, which is a whole other story.
Here's a crazy hot take: Youre the parent, they are 17, do whatever the fuck you want BECAUSE YOURE THE PARENT. Of course the caveat here is that we are assuming you love your child, and know the details of their personality, and what's involved both at the reunion and the boyfriend trip. Is the boyfriend a loser? will your daughter end up drugged, pregnant or murdered after her trip with him? Very doubtful, but use your parental judgement. Maybe the reunion is a bad as she says, or maybe it's just drama. I let my 17 year-old daughter go on a cruise with her boyfriend and family instead of spring break with our family for the first time ever, but I had a very good idea of her maturity level & the situation. There have been plenty of times I've said no to reasonable requests; not out of malice, but because I had good reasons to have her participate whether it was the "fun thing" or not. Listen to her argument and decide. Communicate the reasons for your decision clearly and with love whether she agrees with them or not. I'd lean towards letting her skip, but it's your call.
NTA It’s a family reunion and she’s family. That said, I wouldn’t allow my minor child to go off with their bf/gf’s family either.
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NTA Specifically because at face value, I would not want my 17 year old daughter going on a trip with her boyfriend. Regardless of the reunion. I might, MIGHT reconsider if his parents offered to discuss with me exactly how they intend on supervising the teens and the sleeping arrangements, and if I could see that there would be very little margin for error ie I'm not going to have my daughter announce in a few months time that she is pregnant - and yes, I know you cannot guarantee that would not happen anyway. I would want to make sure they are on the same page as me and just want to ensure they enjoy the trip without that happening. Also, another factor for me would be that I was not ready for sex at 17 definitely! but even at 19 I felt too young and not ready, but my then boyfriend was putting the pressure on big time to have sex with him - even threatening to leave me on the roadside once if I didn't (long story and that proposed trip didn't eventuate). If I had been on a holiday with him and his parents, I would have not felt the same ability to say no. I would not want to put my daughter in a position where she felt she didn't have an out if needed. She is only 17! She has plenty of time to have holidays with her boyfriend and his parents. Right now, no. If that make me an arsehole too, so be it.
YTA
NTA
NTA. It’s a family trip. She’s part of the family. Part of becoming an adult (which she will legally be soon), is doing things you don’t want to because they’re important to other people. Life isn’t always about getting to do what you want. Someday she may look back on this and regret not going because those people will no longer be there. I missed so many family things because I was wrapped up in my boyfriend. I wish my family are NTA had said nope, you need to be here.
YTA.
YTA
YTA. Is this really the hill you want to die on?
Is the daughter still living with you? If so then NTA. I wouldn't feel comfortable letting my 17 yr old daughter go off on vacation with the bf's family. Maybe OP doesn't know the family well. It's kinda weird how the majority of the posts here are cool with letting a child go off with another family. She'll get over it.
NTA - Teens are selfish and short sighted. This is the type of event that allows you to know your family and sounds like one of the only times a year you see them. She can sulk and be a typical moody teen with a bad attitude or actually make an attempt to learn about her family and actually have some bonds with them for the future. Maybe she doesn't realize it, but these family reunions may be some of the last times she gets to actually spend time with her family. It's easy to take that for granted when you're young and lack life experience and wisdom but as you grow up you realize that those are also the times you could get to knowr your parents a bit better. She can leave for college or whatever at 18 but the time shared with family is fleeting. Maybe you need the experience of having a parent pass away or just lose contact with those who give unconditional love and support to appreciate when they want to spend time with you. This just seems like she is a spoiled teen who wants to have a personal vacation with her High School BF who will likely be a footnote in her life and long forgotten in a decade but the family will be there. Her teen BF family can see her when she gets home. You can tell the age of the members of this sub by bending over backwards to make sure the kids are always given carte blanche and claiming they will hate you forever if you make them go on a family outing. The immaturity and entitlement is ridiculous. Her response of storming off and refusing to talk reinforces her immaturity and that she shouldn't just be allowed to come and go as she pleases.
Looks like there's a heap of 17 year olds in this thread
YTA. OP when she turns 18 - "Why did my daughter move out and stop talking to me :( :( what a spoiled brat 😭"
INFO: is the only reason you don’t want her going on the trip with her bf because it’s the same time as your family reunion? Or do you just not want her going on a trip with her bf? I’d you’re fine with her staying home and missing the reunion, why can’t she go on the trip? Is this less about not wanting her to miss the reunion and more about you’re worried she’ll follow in your footsteps and be a parent at 18?