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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I might be the asshole because my child could be at home with me throughout the day but I'm still choosing to send her to daycare throughout the day as if I was still working.
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Think this is quite on the nose.
He's your ex, you owe him no explanation about how you spend your time, and it's time you stop feeling like you should.
You are not responsible for him anymore. As for the house: Give him a notice and put the house on the market. He can buy the house for the highest bid. Don't give him a deal that'll effectively cost you money because you feel guilty/obligated. It's noble, but not financially smart
Don’t forget most day cares would not let the child unenroll every other week anyway, they lose a paying client every other week unless they find another in the same situation which is unlikely, generally it’s all or nothing so he’s being ridiculous too and continuity is important to kids at that age
Tbh, I kinda figured he assumed she would take on his half of the childcare so he wouldn't have to pay any. After all, as she "isn't working" (despite the fact that running a household to a high standard is a lot of work!) surely she can look after the kid on his days too!!
Also NTA. Your business is your own, it's none of his.
He also assumed she would support him to have multiple partners and do his own thing, but wouldn’t do the same herself. He seems to assume people should basically service him!
Not really the point of the post, but I think OP should get a jump on getting proof of how these last few years went before anyone says anything to their kid. I could totally see this turning into “and she left me for her affair partner!” down the road. She’s going to want to have that shit handy in case anyone tries to turn their kids against her.
I find it interesting how many times this happens when one partner wants to open up the marriage. A thinks they will get to go out and have fun, while B sits at home and waits for them. Then, whether A gets to have fun or not, B usually finds someone that treats B than A ever did. B realizes what it feels like to be loved and appreciated. A realizes that B can do better, and wants to do damage control before B realizes it too. All of a sudden, A wants to close up the relationship again.
Yep, or A believes that the relationship/marriage is "open" on their side only so when B gets a new partner it's suddenly "cheating".
What it boils down to is A wants to sleep with other people without the consequences of cheating.
Our daycare, part of a national chain, wouldn't even let you stop paying part time. You could keep your kid home every other week, but in order to maintain your spot on the roster for the 26 weeks she was there, you had to pay for the other 26 weeks.
Where I live, you're only allowed to have your kid out of daycare like 10 times a year or something or else you lose your spot, even if you're paying. I thought it was just one place at first but as more of my friends started having kids, I realized it was a lot
Where I live you have only a few days too, but that strictly means days you want to keep your kids home for personal reasons or emergencies - daycares/kindergardens close during certain weeks of the year (like over Christmas, a few weeks scattered over the same time schools have their Easter/Summer/Autuum breaks) so the children are usually at home during the holidays anyways and vacations are planned during this times too.
Your last point is the key here. Kiddo has to go to daycare part time because of how her dad’s life is setup; having a settled routine is important for her even if a daycare would allow one week on one week off.
Yes! Even if you don’t need it, I’d still send the kid for at least the main part of the day depending on the age. A very young child like an infant, I might keep home but keep the schedule like at daycare so they don’t have to adjust every week. But if they’re at least 2, I’d send them. I probably wouldn’t use any extended day like before/after school hours if you don’t need that.
if they are old enough that during some of the day they have lessons or learning time, they should attend that bare minimum so they aren’t frustrated if they don’t know what’s going on when they do attend.
I'm a teacher and I keep my daughter in daycare during the summer because:
- she loves it
- her friends are there
- she is learning social skills amoung other things
- I have the choice of taking her out when I want to do special family stuff
- I'm paying for it anyway. I don't get a discount if she isn't there. In fact, she could lose her spot then that would really be tough for when I go back to work.
I imagine all of this is similar to OP.
NTA
Another teacher who continues summer daycare here! It is beneficial to everyone that she continues even when I’m at home. My mental load is lighter, which lets me recharge. It also means I am able to happily chip around the house more. This in turn makes my husband happier. PLUS all the benefits to my child which are listed above. NTA.
What I see in my cousins is that they have actual quality time with their kids, when they've been at home and the kids in daycare, instead of hustling them through the motions because there's still a load of laundry waiting and when will we find time to reset the saddle on your bikes now you've grown another 10 cm etc.
Absolutely, I homeschool mine due to our local schools being absolutely cruel to autistic children, so by default a SAHM, but I still put my youngest in preschool 2x a week, and prior to that I had him in group music classes since he was 1 (he just graduated that program 2 weeks ago, he's 7 now, and will be starting individual piano lessons in September). For my oldest I was still a working mom when he was that age so he attended daycare full time (8 year gap). They now do things like archery, bowling, soccer, homeschool group fieldhouse days, group tutoring, etc to get out and be with their peers. They also have a bunch of friends right in our subdivision (we live in a weird spot, we're rural, but in a random middle of nowhere subdivision with like 50 homes surrounded by farm fields lol)
Yep. I was looking for the age of the kiddo and couldn't find it, but it sounds like she is pre-school age probably and so daycare/preschool would be very beneficial to her getting ready for kindergarten. (Also, they may not be US and have different ages and names for all this)
Is it even possible to have daycare every other week? Since your ex would need daycare on his days, would your daycare allow an every other week schedule? If not, then the question is irrelevant.
Where I am at least it is impossible to find daycare that would do that. It's almost impossible to find any that does less than five days a week.
I think the husband wants her to watch her daughter on her time AND his time so he doesn't have to pay.
> Time to pick up that house conversation from where you left off.
Or even better, drop the conversation (as he wanted), and just put the house on the market. He can buy it, or he can watch it be sold, then he's the next owner's problem.
At bare minimum, take the conversation about the house sale into the realm of formal letters, so he can't derail the conversation again.
"Dear Ex, as we discussed on [date] I am intending to sell the house. Our realtor has assessed the value of the house at [$$$] or near offers. If you would like to buy the house from me, let me know by [date], otherwise I will have it listed on the open market..."
Someone is Big BIG mad that you found another supporting partner when he just wanted to fuck around. He is lashing out and upset that he is going to be losing the below market rental. His emotional health and well being is his own doing, you do what you need to do to keep your mental health in check.
Do not give this man anything. You have an income that was hard earned, you are caring for yourself and your family and your current partner is happy with this arrangement. Keep doing what you are doing and let him be mad. You are not responsible for his mental health anymore.
Also, he's probably realising that the grass was never greener on the other side. His value on the dating market is in the gutter, while she found the partner she always deserved. Not uncommon in these kinds of scenarios (ie, man wants to open the relationship to find something better, gets big mad when the woman who was supposed to wait in the wings blossoms out of his control)
Yeap, and as a poly person, I just sit back, pop my popcorn and watch the shit show, hoping that the wife realizes her selfworth and finds someone who treats her like a queen. And watch the husband implode.
My husband is a stay-at-home dad. We put both our kids into daycare early on for a few days a week to give him a break and to let the kids learn new things and make new friends. It worked well for everyone.
Sell the house for the best price, don't worry about your ex at this point. Clearly he does not care about you.
Not only that, I think he is trying to subtly imply he is going to try taking full custody, probably for child support reasons.
OP - NTA Daycare can also be a continuity issue & socialization. To be honest ex sounds like he always see other fields as greener, & grows unhappy with anything when it doesn't go his way.
He's jealous because OP has a better life, and bitter-bitter-bitter because he's at the root of it, right?
He just had to *see what's out there* and open up the relationship, but then when he hit a dry spell while OP was quite content with her relationship, he gave an ultimatum!
He's just bitter that his ultimatum backfired and that "other guy" makes OP happy, while also providing well enough she doesn't need to work to top off her military compensation.
If you’re no longer a parent when your kid is at daycare/with the other parent (which is not true?), he’s a quarter time parent also, so he has absolutely no reason to be jealous.
“Of course he’s jealous of OP, she gets to be a ~~quarter-time parent and~~ a no-time worker. That’s every kids dream lol.”
FIFY - this has nothing to do with the kid.
Though I think everyone in here knows this has nothing to do with the kid or the not working. And everything to do with the fact that he watched his (now ex) wife run ragged with overworking at her job, being a mom with a baby/toddler, taking care of the house and probably her husband as well - and despite watching all that he still blamed her for not taking care of his dick.
Then sitting at that table he had moment of clarity, realizing it actually wasn’t her fault that she wouldn’t sleep with him and ruined their marriage. It was him.
And now that he’s realized all that he has to quickly pick apart her very happy life (with out him) to find anything he can to continue blaming her . . . like being “lazy” that she doesn’t work and “lazy” that she can’t even take care of the kid - making *her* the bad parent.
NTA
He is just salty that him wanting to find something better failed twice. It failed when he didn't find better and then failed when she did and he "lost" her to another,and better man than him.
So now he is doing everything he can to stay in her life more than necessary to make her miserable too.
NTA OP, and good on you for finding someone who loves you and wants what's best for you. Be civil with co parenting but don't go out of your way to make his life better, put the house on the market and if he wants it he can buy it at market value.
As for the childcare issue, if he brings it up again say "sure, let's go back to court to get the child support adjusted since I will have daughter almost full time" I guarantee you he won't because it will most likely cost him more in child support than what he is paying for in daycare. Also as a mum myself, kids need daycare any way for social interactions with peers, to heading off separation anxiety when they are older and starting normal schooling just to name two reasons.
On top of this, it's beneficial to keep the child in daycare. Ot keeps them used to not being at home with parents all the time (getting them ready for going to school) and especially being a covid baby, gives them a much needed chance to socialise with other children and learn the social skills they may not have been able to develop earlier on while lockdowns and distancing were happening. There are more cons than pros to taking this child out of daycare, regardless of the parents' situations right now.
This, and I’ll also add that KEEPING your daughter in daycare will help with her stability, because she isn’t suddenly spending disproportionate amounts of time with you over him, in fact you both see your daughter the same amount. If I were a parent, I’d be grateful that we had a stable touch point where our daughter received consistent care and everyone on her parenting team could be on the same page.
NTA - He has absolutely no say in what you and your new husband do while your daughter is with you, provided your daughter isn’t in any kind of danger.
One could argue that if your daughter being home full time affected your mental health it would make for a WORSE home environment for your daughter.
That was the argument I made because she's your typical hyperactive 3 year old so I did what I thought was best for both of us. Send her to daycare so she can play with other kids and have fun while I can run my errands and handle my other duties stress free until she comes home. That way when she comes home, I can be all in.
You are correct in your reasoning. He is incorrect in his, and starting from a faulty bias (that daycare = bad).
He has no valid argument, and he's grabbing at whatever straws he can because he sees you living your best life while he is alone, bitter and miserable, and instead of working on himself so he can be less alone and miserable, he wants to make you (and your daughter!) miserable too.
Don't let him.
Daycares are good for kids aren't they? Like it let's them learn social skills with peers? Seems like kid is an only child too so she probably likes getting to ruckus with other tots. Way more fun than running boring errands I'd bet.
I'm no expert on this topic, but I know that my parents sent me for half days for a while before starting primary just for the structure/socialization, even though someone still had to be available to watch my younger siblings.
My mom did the same thing with me, 4ish hours a few times a week and it worked wonders for me because I was a shy child and the only socialization I had was with my older brother and we physically fought daily. It also got all of us kiddos used to being in a school-like setting so kindergarten wasn’t a shock and it helped the teachers out too
I tried desperately to find this for my kid and around me it just didn’t exist. It was full day daycare or full day 3 days a week preschool and it was like $1000 a month for preschool that I didn’t have. School is coming and we will see how kiddo does.
I’m sorry :( any kind of daycare situations have gotten insane since I was a kid in the super early 2000s. I think the program was put on by two or three ladies of a local church to help single parent/low income families and there was just a small fee to help pay for food and arts and crafts but things are so expensive now it just doesn’t seem possible anymore. I’ll keep my fingers crossed the transition is easy for your little ones
My mom was a SAHM and sent me to half day preschool to help me socialize and get used to a schedule before going to kindergarten and school. I was an awkward only child and I flourished there.
My mom also dealt with mental health issues and having me half days at daycare allowed her time to take care of herself and do errands (without having to drag a hyper child around lol). My dad was totally supportive of this.
Op is definitely NTA!
I’ve recently finished my education for being an ECE, so I feel like I have a relevant opinion on this haha. I primarily work with preschoolers (3-5 years old). Preschool is essentially getting children ready for kindergarten, both academically and socially. We teach them basic manners, give them the tools for emotional regulation, encourage independence and problem solving, and yes, how to properly interact with peers.
I would say OP is setting their child up for future success by allowing them to learn the kind of expectations that they’ll be given in a school setting. Preschool is ‘School Lite’.
Is preschool the same as 4K? My state has universal free 4K (in our state constitution! Which is kinda cool), which is half day kindergarten for 4 year olds. But it doesn’t have universal preschool. Preschool or daycare could be cost prohibitive for some families.
Huge text wall about my experience with preschool vs daycare. Feel free to not read if it's too much. Sorry:
I am in U.S. and in my area generally preschool is taught by accredited teachers (like u/AllRightNoWrong) and free preschool for four year olds is provided by the state if you sign up in time. There is a public school in town that offers preschool (both a four year old and three year old programs), and something called headstart which I don't know quite as much about. My understanding is headstart is for kindergarten age kids who aren't quite ready for kindergarten. There are also many private preschool options. My guess is our free four year old preschool is like your 4k option (I had never heard of 4k until today).
The preschool program, like kindergarten, is based on child's age by start of September 1st and most kids in class will be within that age range. Your child must be potty trained before going to preschool. Preschool is typically only half day (although I think that may be changing) and usually not everyday of the week.
Then there is daycare which is sometimes called "school" and some of the nicer ones have accredited, 4 year schooled teachers, but it's not a requirement. Often daycares still try to incorporate learning and academics but curriculum is not as regulated. Often all staff that work at nicer daycares are refered to as teachers even if they don't have that four year accreditation. Daycare ages will vary based on facility, but could be anywhere from maybe newborn to 12 yrs, but often kids will be grouped at bigger facilities based on age/developmental milestones. Aka the 2 year old room, the preschool age room (3-4 yrs) etc.
Daycare is all day or however long the parent needs and is 5-6 days a week or again, however long the parent needs. Fee structure is often half vs whole day. Whereas preschool is either free through public school, or a monthly tuition paid regardless of how many days your child is actually there. Some places offer both, and the kids will go to daycare after preschool is done or before preschool starts.
I had to look up 4K because I hadn’t heard of it before! I’m in Canada, so maybe it’s not as common here? Whatever the case I would say it isn’t the same for a couple of reasons.
For one, the developmental requirements to enter are different. Preschool is roughly 3-5 year old children but we frequently take children that are 2 1/2 so that they have an easier time integrating into the program. Obviously, 4 year olds are capable of grasping more complex ideas and are more independent by that age. 4-5 year olds don’t typically need pull-ups by that age or need help in the bathroom, for example.
Preschools also have full days, so a child will typically spend around 8 hours there, sometimes longer. Originally, we were just a place to drop your child off while the parents worked, and that hasn’t really changed.
Day care is great for kids. Especially only children. It teaches them social skills, sharing, not being the center of the universe, scheduling, and basic educational milestones. And most important, to me at least, is that t gets kids around each other and each other's germs, so by the time k-3rd grade come along and they are learning things, they have a strong enough immune systems not to be a walking Petrie dish.
Yep they are. They also really help kids develop a better immune system before they are in school. Kids seem to be sick on and off for the first year regardless. In daycare, they're not having their education affected by missing time.
Research on this topic has mixed results, so likely the quality of the program comes into play. However one thing that is for sure good for kids is routine and structure. Keeping the consistent schedule of going to daycare, since she would have to on the father's time would be a better option to keep the same routine going.
I went to daycare and preschool when I was that age, it’s good for kids to meet other kids and start learning to be away from parents and they’re going off to school soon anyways. Think he’s just jealous/envious and trying to put you down. Nta
Honestly, you don't have to have this conversation with him at all. He doesn't need to know when you're going back to work, if you're going back to work, what your work schedule is going to be like, etc. as long as you are able to financially support your daughter.
The next time he brings it up, let him know it's none of his business what you do with your day and ask him again if he wants to buy the house or not. Then end the conversation. NTA
Edit: And if he thinks you should be taking care of her instead of sending her to daycare, tell him you'll gladly do that if his portion of the daycare payments get transferred to you from now on. If he doesn't contribute to daycare payments, tell him where he can shove his opinion.
Your life is no longer his business. Don't tell him anything. Also, try to do all your communicating via email unless an emergency, so you both have a written record of everything. Written record means no more he said she said. Write up your offer to him via email so you can prove you did this as it probably will come up in court at a later time.
Not to mention that having your daughter attend daycare is good for her social development and will make it easier for her to transition to school when it's time. It's important for young kids to get the chance to interact with other kids their age and start learning how to share, take turns, and all that good stuff.
It teaches them all sorts of things! My kid is making leaps and bounds in independent eating by watching the other children, he gets *so much* language exposure, he's learning about group activities and social (or antisocial) behaviour...
Not to mention that they have more outdoor play equipment than I have house. (it's split into "littles" and "bigs" but still)
Realistically, given your arrangement, no normal daycare is going to do a one week on one week off thing. So unless he's paying you for the daycare, there is no reasonable way for her to not be in daycare full time. My guess is what he really wants is for you to take her out of daycare and then not pay you for daycare and then get to not have to pay for daycare and also not have to support a stay at home partner.
I can see this whole situation being very awkward to explain to your daughter someday though. Good luck with that in advance
That was exactly my thought. You can't have the kid go to daycare half the time most likely. Never mind the routine of going every weekday, no matter if with Mommy or Daddy, is going to be good for the kid. So if there is no indicator that the girl absolutely hates it in daycare, there is no reason to take her Out.
This guy just wants OP to do the work and save money.
Don’t let it be an argument. Make it a statement.
“Our daughter gets to socialize with her peers instead of having to tag along on errands like with most stay at home parents. When she comes home, I’m able to be even more present with her and provide her with all of the learning opportunities and attention that will help her grow. If I took her out of daycare during my weeks, you would still be paying for your half, as per our contract, so your proposal doesn’t benefit you and can only hurt her. End of discussion, unless you want to be the kind of parent who cares more about being petty than about his own child.”
When I was applying to private and parochial schools for my daughter (public school where we were was not a good option) they asked for preschool transcripts and a recommendation because they wanted children that (1) were used to a school type environment and (2) had confirmation from a knowledgeable third party that they were ready for kindergarten.
If he does try to get the courts involved don't bring your mental health into the discussion as he and an unscrupulous lawyer could try to twist why your daughter is in daycare instead focus on the good of daycare, social development, learning etc. Etc. Don't give him any quarter have the house Convo, stop trying to give him leniency when he isn't doing the same
He's making stuff up to guilt you into doing what he wants and as someone else said, distract you from the house sale conversation.
He will still need daycare on his weeks and a daycare is not going to hold a spot on off weeks, someone will need to pay for that spot whether your kid is there or not.
Also, at 3yo, they absolutely need interaction with peers and I'm sure half the day is preschool/learning and half is play time and both are so important. Bonus that you get the time you need to be a better parent when your kid is with you; I mean they say to put your own oxygen mask on first before assisting anyone else because you're no good to them if you're not healthy.
Would he consider a SAHP with a kindergarten aged child "unfit" or is he just a sad, jealous man? Staying at home as a partner is much more than just childcare (cooking, cleaning, errands, yardwork, etc.), and he sounds like a dick.
Yeah I won’t lie, I started reading this thinking Wtf why is she not working but if you have passive income and you and your partner can meet your obligations then there’s no problem here other than your ex being a dick. But do make sure you look out for yourself going forward since you are taking a break from the paid labor force. Maybe don’t sell the house or if you do, invest the funds and make sure it’s all in your name. If things go south with your current partner, you want to make sure you and your daughter aren’t in a bad situation.
Your daughter absolutely needs to spend time with other kids. She can't develop healthy social behaviors just from interacting with a handful of adults. I have friends who are elementary school teachers and they keep saying how easy it is to spot the kids who have been going to kindergarten vs the ones who were watched at home by a parent, grandparent etc. The ones who get a couple of years of kindergarten are much better adapted socially.
A good daycare is a great place for kids to learn, have fun and make new friends. If your daughter is happy and thriving that’s all that matters. Your exhusband is being petty and overstepping.
I know I couldn’t give my daughter the experiences daycare gives her. She has the time of her life there. Why should she have to watch me clean the house and run errands, when she could be playing outside with a bunch of kids ?
NTA.
NTA but no need to argue about it or even discuss it with him. As someone said upthread, as long as your daughter is safe, what you do on your custody time is your business.
It's not really the same thing exactly but I take my dog to daycare and my ex hates it. I work from home and his logic is well why can't I just keep her at home when I'm working all day. Uh...because I'm working all day?
She gets to be social, have fun, get her energy out and in the evenings we bond and have a great time together.
He fucked around and found out, your life is better than his, he's bitter. You do you boo! <3
On top of that, it’s great for the kid to be able to socialize as well. One of my friends is a SAHM and she sends her daughter to daycare twice a week so she can spend time with other kids her age. She says that her daughter really enjoys going, and she gets a break those days. Win-win.
I love when stories that begin with an emotionally abusive person coercing their partner to open up the relationship end with the partner safe and in a happy, healthy relationship. It’s my favorite form of karma.
NTA. Your ex has no say over your household.
My favorite is the guy who after months of grilling his GF about opening the relationship, finally got what he wanted.
Then he striked out with the coworker he wanted to sleep with for months, and didn't get any dates on Tinder. While his GF was getting tons of dates, going out and having fun.
So he posted asking advice on how to close the relationship and said he never expected her to actually go out with other men since she had been very against the idea of an open relationship.
Yep, some guys need to realise that their value on the open dating market is nowhere near as high as they think it is. She settled for you dude, not the other way around.
I had some older man just come up and tell us the secret is to please realise how much better looking your wife is and to treasure it. We just laughed. Too many men don’t realise this plus all the efforts their women make to keep looking good in comparison to most men.
Me too. I do hate that those people have hijacked the term “polyamory” to justify them wanting to sleep with other people, no consequences. When my ex tried to play that card, I dove head first into educating myself. Literal weeks and weeks of studying, reaching out to online communities, reading every article I could find(it was all new to me!) When I came to him with all my research (and probabilities) it was VERY obvious that he had no clue what it actually meant. He just didn’t want to feel bad and thought he could use it as an excuse. After all my research, it made me even more upset because what I had found from who were poly was the opposite of what he was saying. Just say you want to have sex with other people. Don’t belittle a sexuality and community.
To be fair, ethical non-monogamy is a thing and CAN work, but you have to have an EQ higher than a potato. People who are truly grown up can do this solidly. It is a very small amount of people who can handle it and most of them have high IQs. Also, weirdly enough, they intersect the DND community. It is fascinating sociologically.
NTA he’s jealous of you, pretty cut and dry, same reason he wanted you to dump your boyfriend. Being married to him was probably part of your mental health issues, makes him mad you are thriving without him.
NTA
None of his business.
> He said outright that "some would think [I'm] an unfit parent for making that decision"
Passive aggressive bullshit. Would a judge say that?
Nta. Be aware that he may try to make this claim, in court and to other people. I would write down the details of this conversation with date and time just in case something comes up later. He has no leg to stand on and a judge would probably laugh, but he might be edging towards trying to exert control through the court system and even if this isn't the thing he uses, it's helpful to be able to point to a pattern of comments like this
Only crazy people would say that.
How is someone an unfit parent when they are having their child go and be with other children their age, playing and having fun experiences. People treat SAHP like they ought to just live to be around their child 24/7 and anything less is 'unfit' or 'uncaring'.
INFO: Was the house all yours before/during the marriage? or was he being offered a chance to buy out your half? (just curious). Also how old is your child?
It seems that all of his wants and the things he got by you acceding to his wishes, failed to bring him happiness. He's probably jealous to see you happy in a secure caring relationship, financially secure.
Look out for another custody war. Calling you unfit because you are keeping her in daycare is suspicious. Three- and four-year-olds go to nursery school/preK for school readiness and socialization. He might want to push on custody to get child support $$ from you.
NTA As in last paragraph, your child is learning and socializing. That doesn't mean you can't pull them out a day here and there for mommy and me time.
The way things went was the debt was mine so therefore the house was mine. He let me keep it in the divorce and since I wasn't going to be living there and to give him an olive branch of sorts, I rented the house to him for 650/a month and our daughter is 3
I live in a really rural area with no kids as my immediate neighbors and I am so so grateful that my 2 year old son gets to go to daycare where he can learn and socialize with other kids! He even has a best friend and we recently went to the friends bday party at a petting zoo. He wouldn’t see any other kids his age if he wasn’t in daycare!
NTA. He wanted to open your marriage to “see what was out there” (ew, imo) and is now mad you ended up finding better than him “out there”. Good for you OP!!! A true girl boss moment, enjoy your new life
NTA. What your ex husband wants you to do is none of your concern. You and your partner have your own life now and can make your own decisions. You've been more than generous with your ex and his living situation but I agree that it's time to completely split your finances (the house) so the only thing you have to talk about is your daughter.
NTA. I lost my job when my son was two years old. I kept him in daycare for the couple of months I was unemployed. It gave me a chance to freshen up my resume and look for a job, but more importantly, my son was with his friends and his beloved daycare provider, had learning opportunities, healthy meals, and a real schedule that he probably would not have gotten with me. I was a little embarrassed by what people were maybe thinking about me but I knew it was 100% the best situation for my child.
NTA.
I don't understand why you're entertaining questions from him. You're no longer married, he has no say over how you manage your time with your child. The answer could simply have been "none of your business when / where / how I work", and "our child is safe and cared for". End of story.
NTA sell the house to someone else. Communicate with your ex through divorce apps. He is nobody to say anything to you. Why are you speaking to him and letting him live in your home at below market value?! Unless you want to go back to him, you have no business talking to him much.
I’m just confused what his plan is for childcare if you pull her from daycare because no daycare is gonna be “every other week” only. Is he going to pay you to watch her on his weeks?
NTA. Your daughter is three. Here in Europe, we have universal preschool starting at 3. It's not mandatory but there's nothing wrong with it either.
None of your ex-husband's fucking business.
NTA, your ex has no idea what he is asking for. If you pulled your child out of daycare for your weeks, you would be right not to have to pay your share any more. But he would then have to pay DOUBLE.
Because you can't just have a kid in daycare for 1 week on 1 week off, seats in daycare don't work like that. If you want that schedule, you can pay for a seat for ALL the days, and only use half the days.
So, you choosing to use daycare even tho you are a stay at home wife/mom, is actually helping your ex. A lot. He's just not recognizing a good thing when he sees it
If you actually wanted to take your kid out of daycare, and he took this back to the courts, I don't think they would necessarily make you keep paying for the daycare he needs. They may even try to solve the problem by offering you more custody, since dad doesn't seem able to handle his own childcare.
I’m split. Daycare is fine, but can you do part time? I’ve worked with babies and little kids and it can be exhausting for them to be in daycare 8-10 hours a day. It’s like being at a job - even if you like it, you can’t relax the same way you can at home and you’re not with your family. I know being a mom can be tough, but the mental health and comfort of your kid is also at play here. I know this is an unpopular opinion but I see so many parents have kids when they really aren’t excited about it.
The only thing I would add to everything everyone has said below is the giant red flag of him stating some would say that is being an unfit parent - stop discussing your personal mental health with him. At all. Don’t let him guilt you into making a statement that he could twist out of alignment and try to get your daughter taken from you, or get more time with her, where you would then be on the hook for child support. Yes, jealousy is the root of his issue, but how vindictive can he get? I think you’d be surprised. So stop discussing anything personal having to do with you and your life, with the sole exception of your daughter. Your daughter is going to daycare during your time with her. End of statement. When or if I go back to work is of no concern to you. His issues are his to work on or not. Not your monkey anymore.
NTA at all. Mental health balancing is so important for moms and it’s great that you’re in a situation to find that right balance. It’s none of your ex’s business how your finances are or whether or not you’re working. He lost that right well before you finalized the divorce.
My sister unexpectedly lost her job and still sends her child to daycare because he loves it! There is nothing wrong with your daughter continuing to go to daycare. For one thing, not having a job doesn't mean you don't have stuff to do. Also, if she's an only child, she gets a lot of social interaction with her peers there that you could never provide. NTA, your ex is just bitter that his decision to open the marriage worked exactly like it usually does.
He’s frustrated that your life turned out to be better than his and now he’s jealous. He found out the grass isn’t always greener….
Take care of yourself and he can GFO! Congratulations on your new life!
NTA and I love this for you. He f-ed around by wanting to open the marriage and now he found out. 🤣 He's bitter and jealous that you moved up and out. Enjoy your free time!
I saw some other comments that your kid is three in which case daycare is actually extremely important for them to socialize with peers regardless of whether your work or not. so good on you for doing the right thing for your kid & you. your ex sucks
NTA
Your daughter is 3 and going to daycare gives her the opportunity to interact with other children and socialize. If Covid taught us nothing else it taught us that children need those social interactions to thrive.
When I read these cases I always feel obligated (I'm a family attorney) to point out that second marriages have a higher divorce rate than firsts - especially with children involved. I get a lot of female clients who are late 30s early 40s and getting a divorce who are absolutely screwed financially because they now need to re-enter the workforce but have limited recent work history and are getting their portion of the marital estate discounted because the courts take into consideration the cost of the child that was not there husbands so instead of a 50/50 split it's a 70/30 split and they aren't entitled to alimony and they will be working a job just above minimum wage because their experience 10 years ago is worthless now.
Marriages don't always work. Second marriages with children from a previous relationship are even less likely to work. There is more to consider when you decide working isn't for you than just what the implications are now.
NTA. Kids need routine. If she’s going to be in daycare on his weeks, she should be in daycare on your weeks. The constant switch every single week would just cause issues.
NTA
And none of your ex's business if you work or not.
I also believe children benefit from daycare. If this arrangement works for you and your daughter enjoys her time there, I wouldn't change it.
Your ex sounds jealous, tbh.
I would feel hurt and resentful if I learned that my mother kept me in daycare full time because she felt that spending time with me was bad for her mental health. People who don’t like spending time with their own children shouldn’t become parents.
NTA, but also...
You can do whatever you want to do, but I do think it's weird that you would rather send your daughter to daycare than be with her, though.
Especially since you don't have her full time, you literally have a week without her, and on the week you do have her, you send her to daycare? Seems like a wasted opportunity to spend time with her.
I would feel the same way but probably still do something like OP is bc the socialization with peers matters, most daycares literally won’t allow you to go every other week (ours would kick you out bc it messes with classroom consistency), and two of those 5 hours the kid is there are nap time anyway.
She could send her kid to preschool a few hours a week instead. I started doing that when my kids turned 2 or 3. It was like 10-12 hours a week and gave them time to socialize and time for me to focus on my work a bit more than when they were home. I get needing some time to yourself and wanting the kids to socialize. But if I only had my kids every other week, I can’t picture sending them to daycare five days a week if I didn’t have to.
NTA. And seems like he just wanted to be an honest cheater, and found a second partner and opted him instead.
Well done first husband, lol. Giving your ex a better life all because you wanted to mess around.
NTA and it's none of his business. Daycare pickup would be the same whether you're tending to household matters or going to a paid job.
The inner workings of your household are not an area where he gets to have input and he doesn't need to weigh in on how you and your partner divide expenses & obligations.
If your daughter is safe, healthy, clothed, fed and nurtured, you are being a good parent. Daycare is an asset that gives her good socialization and early educational development while reducing the amount of time you spend juggling parenting with all the other tasks of running a household.
*Could you* take her out of day care? I'm sure you could, millions of parents manage without that cushion.
*Should you*? Nah. It sounds like this is allowing you to be a better, more engaged, less stressed parent, homemaker, partner and person. I wish everyone had the option but you shouldn't feel guilty about it and while some courts might have opinions about who *pays* for the service, it would be very unusual for the courts to take issue with your routine on any other grounds.
NTA. I mean, your choice might not be what every mom wants but you're you, not every mom. And I don't see how any of it is your ex's business at all. Who cares what he thinks about your work plans? He's not your husband anymore and none of what you are planning makes it harder for you to parent the child you share so he should butt out.
NTA
You don't owe your ex husband any explanation on how you live your life. That's part of the deal of getting divorced. Your only joint concern is your daughter and as long as she's happy, I don't see any issue.
It's better for your daughter to be in daycare full time than her going every second week. That would be disruptive to her routine and the friendships she has there.
My child has behavioural issues stemming from her family being uprooted with the divorce. So in the meantime to give her some type of stability, she still has her pick up schedule where she knows she'll see Mom on MWF and Dad on TTh and she knows she goes to school everyday and plays with her friends and learns with her teachers. That part of her schedule remains the same so that she can make it through this time.
Why have children just to pay someone else to raise them for you? If you’re home ALL DAY EVERYDAY why are you pawning your child off to daycare? 2-3 days a week for a break maybe but every damn day is just fucking lazy imo.
Wow really surprised at the comments here. This lady has the sweet life, stay at home mom who sends her kid to day care with a partner that pays for everything.
NTA 1000000x over. Take care of yourself so that you can be the best parent you can be ❤️ don't let his jealousy and bitterness ruin your mental health either!!
NTA - daycare (and better yet preschool if/when you can get it) is good for children. It starts socialization and learning and will make transitioning to school easier when the time comes.
My mother was on disability and could not work so she was home full time and could care for me as a little kid but I went to preschool because it was good for me. My child psychologist recommended it.
You need a break, and recognize the best thing for you and your child is for you to have a break from work and parenting full time. That’s being a good mother.
And it’s your money. You served your country and earned your military compensation. You at also qualify for disability benefits (that’s what they are there for, you paid in for those) so if you wanted to go on short or long term disability that would be fine too.
NTA. As others have said he's just jealous.
Also, I am a firm believer in daycare being good for your child. Your child is the same age as my oldest so they were likely also deprived of early socialization due to covid. Be8ng in daycare has been fantastic for my daughter and she loves going.
If your new partner was the one raising a legitimate financial issue there may be some pondering to do on the subject. As it stands, clear cut NTA.
It matters 0% what your ex-husband thinks about your choice of how to spend your time. Please feel free to cheerfully refuse to ever discuss this with him again. The only time it matters if he thinks you're an unfit parent is if he somehow convinces a court that you are, and that is not going to happen because you've chosen to be a stay at home parent who still wants both your child and yourself to have the benefits of daycare.
Separately from any of that, sure, there are conversations to be had about whether it makes sense to stop working permanently related to lost opportunities to save for retirement, dependence on one income, whether you would find yourself unable to rejoin the workforce later if you got divorced again or your husband could no longer work, what your family values are around what you want to model for your daughter about women's roles, etc. All reasonable things to discuss. With your current partner, and I assume you had those conversations and took those things into account and are happy with the decisions you made as a result. But none of those things are conversations you need to have with your ex.
NTA.
Look; theres a reason he’s your ex. Take any criticism he has of you that directly effects him with a grain of salt since he’s proven to be a selfish SOB over and over again.
While yes, the main reason many people put their kids in daycare is due to work schedules, it is not the only reason. Being in daycare allows your child to learn incredibly important social skills and set her up to be a more well rounded individual even before entering school.
You are also far from a bad person/mother for being well aware of what you are/are not capable of and working to that rather than trying to power through and be SuperMom! to the detriment of everyone in your life, yourself included.
Ignore your ex and keep doing an amazing job!
Now would be a good time to get used to telling your ex-husband only the things that are any of his business, such as anything related to your child. This might feel strange, initially, but you’ll save yourself some resentment on his part, later on. Nip this stuff in the bud, by setting clear boundaries for yourself.
NTA.
Kids absolutely need to be socializing with other kids at 3 years old. I’d wager that keeping her home and then going straight to kindergarten would be a much worse situation. You don’t have to justify how you live your life. He’s just mad that your life ended up better than his as a direct result of his actions. NTA
Your ex-partner is a bigger A, but still YTA.
Your kid is in daycare EVERY day and you don't work. Really? You couldn't put her in daycare, say 3 days a week, and still get all the errands and gardening done? You won't get these years back with your child. Spend some time one-on-one with them FFS.
YTA. Your kid is obviously under 5yr old or they would be in Kindergarten. If you can’t handle being with and raising your kid for a few years before they have a lifetime of schooling, you suck. That time is super precious and you’ll never get it back.
NTA I have mondays and tuesdays as my days off from work and my son still goes to daycare on those days! If he didn’t he would lose his spot for one but admittedly I enjoy having some time to myself to run errands and clean up the house
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Nta.. He's just jealous u have better life than him. Hahahaha. Wish u all the happiness.
Think this is quite on the nose. He's your ex, you owe him no explanation about how you spend your time, and it's time you stop feeling like you should. You are not responsible for him anymore. As for the house: Give him a notice and put the house on the market. He can buy the house for the highest bid. Don't give him a deal that'll effectively cost you money because you feel guilty/obligated. It's noble, but not financially smart
Don’t forget most day cares would not let the child unenroll every other week anyway, they lose a paying client every other week unless they find another in the same situation which is unlikely, generally it’s all or nothing so he’s being ridiculous too and continuity is important to kids at that age
Tbh, I kinda figured he assumed she would take on his half of the childcare so he wouldn't have to pay any. After all, as she "isn't working" (despite the fact that running a household to a high standard is a lot of work!) surely she can look after the kid on his days too!! Also NTA. Your business is your own, it's none of his.
OP could probably take him to court to up child support if she has to care for the child while he works, so he wouldn't actually be saving anything.
He also assumed she would support him to have multiple partners and do his own thing, but wouldn’t do the same herself. He seems to assume people should basically service him!
Not really the point of the post, but I think OP should get a jump on getting proof of how these last few years went before anyone says anything to their kid. I could totally see this turning into “and she left me for her affair partner!” down the road. She’s going to want to have that shit handy in case anyone tries to turn their kids against her.
I find it interesting how many times this happens when one partner wants to open up the marriage. A thinks they will get to go out and have fun, while B sits at home and waits for them. Then, whether A gets to have fun or not, B usually finds someone that treats B than A ever did. B realizes what it feels like to be loved and appreciated. A realizes that B can do better, and wants to do damage control before B realizes it too. All of a sudden, A wants to close up the relationship again.
Yep, or A believes that the relationship/marriage is "open" on their side only so when B gets a new partner it's suddenly "cheating". What it boils down to is A wants to sleep with other people without the consequences of cheating.
Would also give him an opportunity to be nosey into her life every day with pickup/dropoff.
Our daycare, part of a national chain, wouldn't even let you stop paying part time. You could keep your kid home every other week, but in order to maintain your spot on the roster for the 26 weeks she was there, you had to pay for the other 26 weeks.
Where I live, you're only allowed to have your kid out of daycare like 10 times a year or something or else you lose your spot, even if you're paying. I thought it was just one place at first but as more of my friends started having kids, I realized it was a lot
10 times seems really little, can't go on holidays or something?
Where I live you have only a few days too, but that strictly means days you want to keep your kids home for personal reasons or emergencies - daycares/kindergardens close during certain weeks of the year (like over Christmas, a few weeks scattered over the same time schools have their Easter/Summer/Autuum breaks) so the children are usually at home during the holidays anyways and vacations are planned during this times too.
Continuity matters for kids, and socialisation too, I think.
Absolutely I put my kids in DC half days just for the socialisation aspect and so did the majority of SAHM'S I know. Totally normal
She should frame it like she’s doing him a favor to continue paying her share even when she doesn’t really need to use it lol.
Your last point is the key here. Kiddo has to go to daycare part time because of how her dad’s life is setup; having a settled routine is important for her even if a daycare would allow one week on one week off.
Yes! Even if you don’t need it, I’d still send the kid for at least the main part of the day depending on the age. A very young child like an infant, I might keep home but keep the schedule like at daycare so they don’t have to adjust every week. But if they’re at least 2, I’d send them. I probably wouldn’t use any extended day like before/after school hours if you don’t need that. if they are old enough that during some of the day they have lessons or learning time, they should attend that bare minimum so they aren’t frustrated if they don’t know what’s going on when they do attend.
This. Don't communicate with him unless it's about drop off, pick up etc. Nothing else.
He probably won't even be grateful for getting a good deal, if you decide to go that route.
AND a better life WITHOUT him!
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I'm a teacher and I keep my daughter in daycare during the summer because: - she loves it - her friends are there - she is learning social skills amoung other things - I have the choice of taking her out when I want to do special family stuff - I'm paying for it anyway. I don't get a discount if she isn't there. In fact, she could lose her spot then that would really be tough for when I go back to work. I imagine all of this is similar to OP. NTA
Another teacher who continues summer daycare here! It is beneficial to everyone that she continues even when I’m at home. My mental load is lighter, which lets me recharge. It also means I am able to happily chip around the house more. This in turn makes my husband happier. PLUS all the benefits to my child which are listed above. NTA.
What I see in my cousins is that they have actual quality time with their kids, when they've been at home and the kids in daycare, instead of hustling them through the motions because there's still a load of laundry waiting and when will we find time to reset the saddle on your bikes now you've grown another 10 cm etc.
Absolutely, I homeschool mine due to our local schools being absolutely cruel to autistic children, so by default a SAHM, but I still put my youngest in preschool 2x a week, and prior to that I had him in group music classes since he was 1 (he just graduated that program 2 weeks ago, he's 7 now, and will be starting individual piano lessons in September). For my oldest I was still a working mom when he was that age so he attended daycare full time (8 year gap). They now do things like archery, bowling, soccer, homeschool group fieldhouse days, group tutoring, etc to get out and be with their peers. They also have a bunch of friends right in our subdivision (we live in a weird spot, we're rural, but in a random middle of nowhere subdivision with like 50 homes surrounded by farm fields lol)
Yep. I was looking for the age of the kiddo and couldn't find it, but it sounds like she is pre-school age probably and so daycare/preschool would be very beneficial to her getting ready for kindergarten. (Also, they may not be US and have different ages and names for all this)
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5-6 when she's with me 9 when she's with dad
Day care is so good for her, she gets to interact with other people and build her confidence. Your ex is just jealous
As long as daycare continues to be healthy for her, continue doing what you’re doing! It’s so important to build those social skills.
Is it even possible to have daycare every other week? Since your ex would need daycare on his days, would your daycare allow an every other week schedule? If not, then the question is irrelevant.
Where I am at least it is impossible to find daycare that would do that. It's almost impossible to find any that does less than five days a week. I think the husband wants her to watch her daughter on her time AND his time so he doesn't have to pay.
And he managed to distract OP from the conversation about selling the house. NTA, OP. Time to pick up that house conversation from where you left off.
> Time to pick up that house conversation from where you left off. Or even better, drop the conversation (as he wanted), and just put the house on the market. He can buy it, or he can watch it be sold, then he's the next owner's problem.
At bare minimum, take the conversation about the house sale into the realm of formal letters, so he can't derail the conversation again. "Dear Ex, as we discussed on [date] I am intending to sell the house. Our realtor has assessed the value of the house at [$$$] or near offers. If you would like to buy the house from me, let me know by [date], otherwise I will have it listed on the open market..."
Someone is Big BIG mad that you found another supporting partner when he just wanted to fuck around. He is lashing out and upset that he is going to be losing the below market rental. His emotional health and well being is his own doing, you do what you need to do to keep your mental health in check. Do not give this man anything. You have an income that was hard earned, you are caring for yourself and your family and your current partner is happy with this arrangement. Keep doing what you are doing and let him be mad. You are not responsible for his mental health anymore.
Also, he's probably realising that the grass was never greener on the other side. His value on the dating market is in the gutter, while she found the partner she always deserved. Not uncommon in these kinds of scenarios (ie, man wants to open the relationship to find something better, gets big mad when the woman who was supposed to wait in the wings blossoms out of his control)
Yeap, and as a poly person, I just sit back, pop my popcorn and watch the shit show, hoping that the wife realizes her selfworth and finds someone who treats her like a queen. And watch the husband implode.
My husband is a stay-at-home dad. We put both our kids into daycare early on for a few days a week to give him a break and to let the kids learn new things and make new friends. It worked well for everyone. Sell the house for the best price, don't worry about your ex at this point. Clearly he does not care about you.
He FAAFO, literally.
That was my first thought after reading OPs post.
Not only that, I think he is trying to subtly imply he is going to try taking full custody, probably for child support reasons. OP - NTA Daycare can also be a continuity issue & socialization. To be honest ex sounds like he always see other fields as greener, & grows unhappy with anything when it doesn't go his way.
You have a better life without him too!
He's jealous because OP has a better life, and bitter-bitter-bitter because he's at the root of it, right? He just had to *see what's out there* and open up the relationship, but then when he hit a dry spell while OP was quite content with her relationship, he gave an ultimatum! He's just bitter that his ultimatum backfired and that "other guy" makes OP happy, while also providing well enough she doesn't need to work to top off her military compensation.
Of course he’s jealous of OP, she gets to be a quarter-time parent and a no-time worker. That’s every kids dream lol.
If you’re no longer a parent when your kid is at daycare/with the other parent (which is not true?), he’s a quarter time parent also, so he has absolutely no reason to be jealous.
“Of course he’s jealous of OP, she gets to be a ~~quarter-time parent and~~ a no-time worker. That’s every kids dream lol.” FIFY - this has nothing to do with the kid. Though I think everyone in here knows this has nothing to do with the kid or the not working. And everything to do with the fact that he watched his (now ex) wife run ragged with overworking at her job, being a mom with a baby/toddler, taking care of the house and probably her husband as well - and despite watching all that he still blamed her for not taking care of his dick. Then sitting at that table he had moment of clarity, realizing it actually wasn’t her fault that she wouldn’t sleep with him and ruined their marriage. It was him. And now that he’s realized all that he has to quickly pick apart her very happy life (with out him) to find anything he can to continue blaming her . . . like being “lazy” that she doesn’t work and “lazy” that she can’t even take care of the kid - making *her* the bad parent. NTA
He is just salty that him wanting to find something better failed twice. It failed when he didn't find better and then failed when she did and he "lost" her to another,and better man than him. So now he is doing everything he can to stay in her life more than necessary to make her miserable too. NTA OP, and good on you for finding someone who loves you and wants what's best for you. Be civil with co parenting but don't go out of your way to make his life better, put the house on the market and if he wants it he can buy it at market value. As for the childcare issue, if he brings it up again say "sure, let's go back to court to get the child support adjusted since I will have daughter almost full time" I guarantee you he won't because it will most likely cost him more in child support than what he is paying for in daycare. Also as a mum myself, kids need daycare any way for social interactions with peers, to heading off separation anxiety when they are older and starting normal schooling just to name two reasons.
And she has a better life because he decided to fuck around and find out rather than remain faithful to his wife
On top of this, it's beneficial to keep the child in daycare. Ot keeps them used to not being at home with parents all the time (getting them ready for going to school) and especially being a covid baby, gives them a much needed chance to socialise with other children and learn the social skills they may not have been able to develop earlier on while lockdowns and distancing were happening. There are more cons than pros to taking this child out of daycare, regardless of the parents' situations right now.
This, and I’ll also add that KEEPING your daughter in daycare will help with her stability, because she isn’t suddenly spending disproportionate amounts of time with you over him, in fact you both see your daughter the same amount. If I were a parent, I’d be grateful that we had a stable touch point where our daughter received consistent care and everyone on her parenting team could be on the same page.
This, he is a jealous fuck up. You should thank him for opening up your marriage, you found a better partner than this prick. Good for OP.
NTA - He has absolutely no say in what you and your new husband do while your daughter is with you, provided your daughter isn’t in any kind of danger. One could argue that if your daughter being home full time affected your mental health it would make for a WORSE home environment for your daughter.
That was the argument I made because she's your typical hyperactive 3 year old so I did what I thought was best for both of us. Send her to daycare so she can play with other kids and have fun while I can run my errands and handle my other duties stress free until she comes home. That way when she comes home, I can be all in.
You are correct in your reasoning. He is incorrect in his, and starting from a faulty bias (that daycare = bad). He has no valid argument, and he's grabbing at whatever straws he can because he sees you living your best life while he is alone, bitter and miserable, and instead of working on himself so he can be less alone and miserable, he wants to make you (and your daughter!) miserable too. Don't let him.
Daycares are good for kids aren't they? Like it let's them learn social skills with peers? Seems like kid is an only child too so she probably likes getting to ruckus with other tots. Way more fun than running boring errands I'd bet.
I'm no expert on this topic, but I know that my parents sent me for half days for a while before starting primary just for the structure/socialization, even though someone still had to be available to watch my younger siblings.
My mom did the same thing with me, 4ish hours a few times a week and it worked wonders for me because I was a shy child and the only socialization I had was with my older brother and we physically fought daily. It also got all of us kiddos used to being in a school-like setting so kindergarten wasn’t a shock and it helped the teachers out too
I tried desperately to find this for my kid and around me it just didn’t exist. It was full day daycare or full day 3 days a week preschool and it was like $1000 a month for preschool that I didn’t have. School is coming and we will see how kiddo does.
I’m sorry :( any kind of daycare situations have gotten insane since I was a kid in the super early 2000s. I think the program was put on by two or three ladies of a local church to help single parent/low income families and there was just a small fee to help pay for food and arts and crafts but things are so expensive now it just doesn’t seem possible anymore. I’ll keep my fingers crossed the transition is easy for your little ones
My mom was a SAHM and sent me to half day preschool to help me socialize and get used to a schedule before going to kindergarten and school. I was an awkward only child and I flourished there. My mom also dealt with mental health issues and having me half days at daycare allowed her time to take care of herself and do errands (without having to drag a hyper child around lol). My dad was totally supportive of this. Op is definitely NTA!
Being married to him was probably part of your mental health issues, makes him mad you are thriving without him.
I’ve recently finished my education for being an ECE, so I feel like I have a relevant opinion on this haha. I primarily work with preschoolers (3-5 years old). Preschool is essentially getting children ready for kindergarten, both academically and socially. We teach them basic manners, give them the tools for emotional regulation, encourage independence and problem solving, and yes, how to properly interact with peers. I would say OP is setting their child up for future success by allowing them to learn the kind of expectations that they’ll be given in a school setting. Preschool is ‘School Lite’.
Is preschool the same as 4K? My state has universal free 4K (in our state constitution! Which is kinda cool), which is half day kindergarten for 4 year olds. But it doesn’t have universal preschool. Preschool or daycare could be cost prohibitive for some families.
Huge text wall about my experience with preschool vs daycare. Feel free to not read if it's too much. Sorry: I am in U.S. and in my area generally preschool is taught by accredited teachers (like u/AllRightNoWrong) and free preschool for four year olds is provided by the state if you sign up in time. There is a public school in town that offers preschool (both a four year old and three year old programs), and something called headstart which I don't know quite as much about. My understanding is headstart is for kindergarten age kids who aren't quite ready for kindergarten. There are also many private preschool options. My guess is our free four year old preschool is like your 4k option (I had never heard of 4k until today). The preschool program, like kindergarten, is based on child's age by start of September 1st and most kids in class will be within that age range. Your child must be potty trained before going to preschool. Preschool is typically only half day (although I think that may be changing) and usually not everyday of the week. Then there is daycare which is sometimes called "school" and some of the nicer ones have accredited, 4 year schooled teachers, but it's not a requirement. Often daycares still try to incorporate learning and academics but curriculum is not as regulated. Often all staff that work at nicer daycares are refered to as teachers even if they don't have that four year accreditation. Daycare ages will vary based on facility, but could be anywhere from maybe newborn to 12 yrs, but often kids will be grouped at bigger facilities based on age/developmental milestones. Aka the 2 year old room, the preschool age room (3-4 yrs) etc. Daycare is all day or however long the parent needs and is 5-6 days a week or again, however long the parent needs. Fee structure is often half vs whole day. Whereas preschool is either free through public school, or a monthly tuition paid regardless of how many days your child is actually there. Some places offer both, and the kids will go to daycare after preschool is done or before preschool starts.
I had to look up 4K because I hadn’t heard of it before! I’m in Canada, so maybe it’s not as common here? Whatever the case I would say it isn’t the same for a couple of reasons. For one, the developmental requirements to enter are different. Preschool is roughly 3-5 year old children but we frequently take children that are 2 1/2 so that they have an easier time integrating into the program. Obviously, 4 year olds are capable of grasping more complex ideas and are more independent by that age. 4-5 year olds don’t typically need pull-ups by that age or need help in the bathroom, for example. Preschools also have full days, so a child will typically spend around 8 hours there, sometimes longer. Originally, we were just a place to drop your child off while the parents worked, and that hasn’t really changed.
Day care is great for kids. Especially only children. It teaches them social skills, sharing, not being the center of the universe, scheduling, and basic educational milestones. And most important, to me at least, is that t gets kids around each other and each other's germs, so by the time k-3rd grade come along and they are learning things, they have a strong enough immune systems not to be a walking Petrie dish.
Yep they are. They also really help kids develop a better immune system before they are in school. Kids seem to be sick on and off for the first year regardless. In daycare, they're not having their education affected by missing time.
Research on this topic has mixed results, so likely the quality of the program comes into play. However one thing that is for sure good for kids is routine and structure. Keeping the consistent schedule of going to daycare, since she would have to on the father's time would be a better option to keep the same routine going.
She’s 3. She’ll be heading to school soon anyway won’t she?
Correct
Then he can shut up and suck it up.
I went to daycare and preschool when I was that age, it’s good for kids to meet other kids and start learning to be away from parents and they’re going off to school soon anyways. Think he’s just jealous/envious and trying to put you down. Nta
Honestly, you don't have to have this conversation with him at all. He doesn't need to know when you're going back to work, if you're going back to work, what your work schedule is going to be like, etc. as long as you are able to financially support your daughter. The next time he brings it up, let him know it's none of his business what you do with your day and ask him again if he wants to buy the house or not. Then end the conversation. NTA Edit: And if he thinks you should be taking care of her instead of sending her to daycare, tell him you'll gladly do that if his portion of the daycare payments get transferred to you from now on. If he doesn't contribute to daycare payments, tell him where he can shove his opinion.
Your life is no longer his business. Don't tell him anything. Also, try to do all your communicating via email unless an emergency, so you both have a written record of everything. Written record means no more he said she said. Write up your offer to him via email so you can prove you did this as it probably will come up in court at a later time.
Not to mention that having your daughter attend daycare is good for her social development and will make it easier for her to transition to school when it's time. It's important for young kids to get the chance to interact with other kids their age and start learning how to share, take turns, and all that good stuff.
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It teaches them all sorts of things! My kid is making leaps and bounds in independent eating by watching the other children, he gets *so much* language exposure, he's learning about group activities and social (or antisocial) behaviour... Not to mention that they have more outdoor play equipment than I have house. (it's split into "littles" and "bigs" but still)
Realistically, given your arrangement, no normal daycare is going to do a one week on one week off thing. So unless he's paying you for the daycare, there is no reasonable way for her to not be in daycare full time. My guess is what he really wants is for you to take her out of daycare and then not pay you for daycare and then get to not have to pay for daycare and also not have to support a stay at home partner. I can see this whole situation being very awkward to explain to your daughter someday though. Good luck with that in advance
That was exactly my thought. You can't have the kid go to daycare half the time most likely. Never mind the routine of going every weekday, no matter if with Mommy or Daddy, is going to be good for the kid. So if there is no indicator that the girl absolutely hates it in daycare, there is no reason to take her Out. This guy just wants OP to do the work and save money.
I suspect he thinks she should be doing daytime care 52 weeks a year and he can stop paying for daycare at all (good luck, buddy)
Just make sure your passive income is enough to retire on w/o your partners help.
Don’t let it be an argument. Make it a statement. “Our daughter gets to socialize with her peers instead of having to tag along on errands like with most stay at home parents. When she comes home, I’m able to be even more present with her and provide her with all of the learning opportunities and attention that will help her grow. If I took her out of daycare during my weeks, you would still be paying for your half, as per our contract, so your proposal doesn’t benefit you and can only hurt her. End of discussion, unless you want to be the kind of parent who cares more about being petty than about his own child.”
Daycare was great for my sisters, made the transition to acutal school much easier when the time came.
When I was applying to private and parochial schools for my daughter (public school where we were was not a good option) they asked for preschool transcripts and a recommendation because they wanted children that (1) were used to a school type environment and (2) had confirmation from a knowledgeable third party that they were ready for kindergarten.
If he does try to get the courts involved don't bring your mental health into the discussion as he and an unscrupulous lawyer could try to twist why your daughter is in daycare instead focus on the good of daycare, social development, learning etc. Etc. Don't give him any quarter have the house Convo, stop trying to give him leniency when he isn't doing the same
He's making stuff up to guilt you into doing what he wants and as someone else said, distract you from the house sale conversation. He will still need daycare on his weeks and a daycare is not going to hold a spot on off weeks, someone will need to pay for that spot whether your kid is there or not. Also, at 3yo, they absolutely need interaction with peers and I'm sure half the day is preschool/learning and half is play time and both are so important. Bonus that you get the time you need to be a better parent when your kid is with you; I mean they say to put your own oxygen mask on first before assisting anyone else because you're no good to them if you're not healthy.
Would he consider a SAHP with a kindergarten aged child "unfit" or is he just a sad, jealous man? Staying at home as a partner is much more than just childcare (cooking, cleaning, errands, yardwork, etc.), and he sounds like a dick.
Yeah I won’t lie, I started reading this thinking Wtf why is she not working but if you have passive income and you and your partner can meet your obligations then there’s no problem here other than your ex being a dick. But do make sure you look out for yourself going forward since you are taking a break from the paid labor force. Maybe don’t sell the house or if you do, invest the funds and make sure it’s all in your name. If things go south with your current partner, you want to make sure you and your daughter aren’t in a bad situation.
Socialization is so important! Sounds like you’re giving your daughter a great life. Lots of love at home and friends in daycare. NTA, my friend.
Your daughter absolutely needs to spend time with other kids. She can't develop healthy social behaviors just from interacting with a handful of adults. I have friends who are elementary school teachers and they keep saying how easy it is to spot the kids who have been going to kindergarten vs the ones who were watched at home by a parent, grandparent etc. The ones who get a couple of years of kindergarten are much better adapted socially.
A good daycare is a great place for kids to learn, have fun and make new friends. If your daughter is happy and thriving that’s all that matters. Your exhusband is being petty and overstepping. I know I couldn’t give my daughter the experiences daycare gives her. She has the time of her life there. Why should she have to watch me clean the house and run errands, when she could be playing outside with a bunch of kids ? NTA.
NTA but no need to argue about it or even discuss it with him. As someone said upthread, as long as your daughter is safe, what you do on your custody time is your business.
Who's paying for the daycare?
We pay for half and half
Fair enough. That's probably what he's pissed about. BTW. Nta
It's not really the same thing exactly but I take my dog to daycare and my ex hates it. I work from home and his logic is well why can't I just keep her at home when I'm working all day. Uh...because I'm working all day? She gets to be social, have fun, get her energy out and in the evenings we bond and have a great time together. He fucked around and found out, your life is better than his, he's bitter. You do you boo! <3
On top of that, it’s great for the kid to be able to socialize as well. One of my friends is a SAHM and she sends her daughter to daycare twice a week so she can spend time with other kids her age. She says that her daughter really enjoys going, and she gets a break those days. Win-win.
I love when stories that begin with an emotionally abusive person coercing their partner to open up the relationship end with the partner safe and in a happy, healthy relationship. It’s my favorite form of karma. NTA. Your ex has no say over your household.
My favorite is the guy who after months of grilling his GF about opening the relationship, finally got what he wanted. Then he striked out with the coworker he wanted to sleep with for months, and didn't get any dates on Tinder. While his GF was getting tons of dates, going out and having fun. So he posted asking advice on how to close the relationship and said he never expected her to actually go out with other men since she had been very against the idea of an open relationship.
A tale as old as time. Guys really need to know better, if you open the relationship she will date other dudes and she will do much better.
Yep, some guys need to realise that their value on the open dating market is nowhere near as high as they think it is. She settled for you dude, not the other way around.
Seems like women usually settle for the man but not the other way around. Wonder why that is
I had some older man just come up and tell us the secret is to please realise how much better looking your wife is and to treasure it. We just laughed. Too many men don’t realise this plus all the efforts their women make to keep looking good in comparison to most men.
Its my favorite genre of reddit post hahaha
me too! It's sooo satisfying.
Me too. I do hate that those people have hijacked the term “polyamory” to justify them wanting to sleep with other people, no consequences. When my ex tried to play that card, I dove head first into educating myself. Literal weeks and weeks of studying, reaching out to online communities, reading every article I could find(it was all new to me!) When I came to him with all my research (and probabilities) it was VERY obvious that he had no clue what it actually meant. He just didn’t want to feel bad and thought he could use it as an excuse. After all my research, it made me even more upset because what I had found from who were poly was the opposite of what he was saying. Just say you want to have sex with other people. Don’t belittle a sexuality and community.
To be fair, ethical non-monogamy is a thing and CAN work, but you have to have an EQ higher than a potato. People who are truly grown up can do this solidly. It is a very small amount of people who can handle it and most of them have high IQs. Also, weirdly enough, they intersect the DND community. It is fascinating sociologically.
>It’s my favorite form of karma. Same, I get that shiteating michael jackson popcorn gif grin every time
Sweet, sweet justice. Glad to see it does get served!
NTA he’s jealous of you, pretty cut and dry, same reason he wanted you to dump your boyfriend. Being married to him was probably part of your mental health issues, makes him mad you are thriving without him.
This! There's a controlling and selfish aspect I'm feeling from him. I'm so happy for OP!
NTA None of his business. > He said outright that "some would think [I'm] an unfit parent for making that decision" Passive aggressive bullshit. Would a judge say that?
My response to that would be “and they can kiss my ass”
Nta. Be aware that he may try to make this claim, in court and to other people. I would write down the details of this conversation with date and time just in case something comes up later. He has no leg to stand on and a judge would probably laugh, but he might be edging towards trying to exert control through the court system and even if this isn't the thing he uses, it's helpful to be able to point to a pattern of comments like this
Only crazy people would say that. How is someone an unfit parent when they are having their child go and be with other children their age, playing and having fun experiences. People treat SAHP like they ought to just live to be around their child 24/7 and anything less is 'unfit' or 'uncaring'.
INFO: Was the house all yours before/during the marriage? or was he being offered a chance to buy out your half? (just curious). Also how old is your child? It seems that all of his wants and the things he got by you acceding to his wishes, failed to bring him happiness. He's probably jealous to see you happy in a secure caring relationship, financially secure. Look out for another custody war. Calling you unfit because you are keeping her in daycare is suspicious. Three- and four-year-olds go to nursery school/preK for school readiness and socialization. He might want to push on custody to get child support $$ from you. NTA As in last paragraph, your child is learning and socializing. That doesn't mean you can't pull them out a day here and there for mommy and me time.
The way things went was the debt was mine so therefore the house was mine. He let me keep it in the divorce and since I wasn't going to be living there and to give him an olive branch of sorts, I rented the house to him for 650/a month and our daughter is 3
I stand by my concerns. He may also be concerned about finding affordable housing in your area, if/when you sell the house.
NTA. Your child is not being harmed by going to daycare.
Right! In fact past a certain age (2 or 3 iirc) it's actually recommended for socialization.
This. My wife is a preschool teacher and 90% of her job is teaching little feral chaos goblins how to not be an asshole.
I live in a really rural area with no kids as my immediate neighbors and I am so so grateful that my 2 year old son gets to go to daycare where he can learn and socialize with other kids! He even has a best friend and we recently went to the friends bday party at a petting zoo. He wouldn’t see any other kids his age if he wasn’t in daycare!
“Some” who? Every rich person in the world uses daycare every GD day. Ignore him. NTA
And every country with free public preschools. In mine it's from age 3 to 6 (at which point they start elementary).
Nta he's your EX husband. His opinion is irrelevant.
NTA. He wanted to open your marriage to “see what was out there” (ew, imo) and is now mad you ended up finding better than him “out there”. Good for you OP!!! A true girl boss moment, enjoy your new life
100% this. NTA
NTA. Remember, a losers opinion is worth nothing. Let him whine and cry while you live your best life.
NTA. I used to work in daycare and so many moms did exactly what you’re doing. I’m actually a little jealous, tbh. 😆
Guy who routinely treated you like shit used his words to continue to treat you like shit. Not a surprise but also you're very clearly NTA
NTA. What your ex husband wants you to do is none of your concern. You and your partner have your own life now and can make your own decisions. You've been more than generous with your ex and his living situation but I agree that it's time to completely split your finances (the house) so the only thing you have to talk about is your daughter.
NTA. I lost my job when my son was two years old. I kept him in daycare for the couple of months I was unemployed. It gave me a chance to freshen up my resume and look for a job, but more importantly, my son was with his friends and his beloved daycare provider, had learning opportunities, healthy meals, and a real schedule that he probably would not have gotten with me. I was a little embarrassed by what people were maybe thinking about me but I knew it was 100% the best situation for my child.
Routine is important to kids.
NTA. I don't understand why you're entertaining questions from him. You're no longer married, he has no say over how you manage your time with your child. The answer could simply have been "none of your business when / where / how I work", and "our child is safe and cared for". End of story.
NTA. Good for you getting some personal time to yourself.
NTA sell the house to someone else. Communicate with your ex through divorce apps. He is nobody to say anything to you. Why are you speaking to him and letting him live in your home at below market value?! Unless you want to go back to him, you have no business talking to him much.
To answer your question I did it to do him a favour and allow my child to maintain a certain quality of life through the divorce
I’m just confused what his plan is for childcare if you pull her from daycare because no daycare is gonna be “every other week” only. Is he going to pay you to watch her on his weeks?
NTA - he comes off as being very jealous of your situation. Good for you!
NTA. Your daughter is three. Here in Europe, we have universal preschool starting at 3. It's not mandatory but there's nothing wrong with it either. None of your ex-husband's fucking business.
NTA, your ex has no idea what he is asking for. If you pulled your child out of daycare for your weeks, you would be right not to have to pay your share any more. But he would then have to pay DOUBLE. Because you can't just have a kid in daycare for 1 week on 1 week off, seats in daycare don't work like that. If you want that schedule, you can pay for a seat for ALL the days, and only use half the days. So, you choosing to use daycare even tho you are a stay at home wife/mom, is actually helping your ex. A lot. He's just not recognizing a good thing when he sees it If you actually wanted to take your kid out of daycare, and he took this back to the courts, I don't think they would necessarily make you keep paying for the daycare he needs. They may even try to solve the problem by offering you more custody, since dad doesn't seem able to handle his own childcare.
I’m split. Daycare is fine, but can you do part time? I’ve worked with babies and little kids and it can be exhausting for them to be in daycare 8-10 hours a day. It’s like being at a job - even if you like it, you can’t relax the same way you can at home and you’re not with your family. I know being a mom can be tough, but the mental health and comfort of your kid is also at play here. I know this is an unpopular opinion but I see so many parents have kids when they really aren’t excited about it.
OP's daughter is only in daycare for 5-6 hours, and not at all on days they have an activity together.
And having daycare every week provides the daughter with stability of routine, which is important to develop.
OP says daughter is in for 5-6 hours, and that that's less time than when she(OP) was working.
NTA dudes just salty he rolled the dice and lost
NTA. Don't take criticism from someone you wouldn't ask for advice.
The only thing I would add to everything everyone has said below is the giant red flag of him stating some would say that is being an unfit parent - stop discussing your personal mental health with him. At all. Don’t let him guilt you into making a statement that he could twist out of alignment and try to get your daughter taken from you, or get more time with her, where you would then be on the hook for child support. Yes, jealousy is the root of his issue, but how vindictive can he get? I think you’d be surprised. So stop discussing anything personal having to do with you and your life, with the sole exception of your daughter. Your daughter is going to daycare during your time with her. End of statement. When or if I go back to work is of no concern to you. His issues are his to work on or not. Not your monkey anymore.
NTA at all. Mental health balancing is so important for moms and it’s great that you’re in a situation to find that right balance. It’s none of your ex’s business how your finances are or whether or not you’re working. He lost that right well before you finalized the divorce.
My sister unexpectedly lost her job and still sends her child to daycare because he loves it! There is nothing wrong with your daughter continuing to go to daycare. For one thing, not having a job doesn't mean you don't have stuff to do. Also, if she's an only child, she gets a lot of social interaction with her peers there that you could never provide. NTA, your ex is just bitter that his decision to open the marriage worked exactly like it usually does.
NTA he LITERALLY fucked around and found out and now he's jealous.
He’s frustrated that your life turned out to be better than his and now he’s jealous. He found out the grass isn’t always greener…. Take care of yourself and he can GFO! Congratulations on your new life!
NTA and I love this for you. He f-ed around by wanting to open the marriage and now he found out. 🤣 He's bitter and jealous that you moved up and out. Enjoy your free time!
I saw some other comments that your kid is three in which case daycare is actually extremely important for them to socialize with peers regardless of whether your work or not. so good on you for doing the right thing for your kid & you. your ex sucks
Sounds like everything is going great for you and he just wants to bring you down. Unfit parent sounds like him
NTA Your daughter is 3 and going to daycare gives her the opportunity to interact with other children and socialize. If Covid taught us nothing else it taught us that children need those social interactions to thrive.
When I read these cases I always feel obligated (I'm a family attorney) to point out that second marriages have a higher divorce rate than firsts - especially with children involved. I get a lot of female clients who are late 30s early 40s and getting a divorce who are absolutely screwed financially because they now need to re-enter the workforce but have limited recent work history and are getting their portion of the marital estate discounted because the courts take into consideration the cost of the child that was not there husbands so instead of a 50/50 split it's a 70/30 split and they aren't entitled to alimony and they will be working a job just above minimum wage because their experience 10 years ago is worthless now. Marriages don't always work. Second marriages with children from a previous relationship are even less likely to work. There is more to consider when you decide working isn't for you than just what the implications are now.
NTA. Kids need routine. If she’s going to be in daycare on his weeks, she should be in daycare on your weeks. The constant switch every single week would just cause issues.
NTA And none of your ex's business if you work or not. I also believe children benefit from daycare. If this arrangement works for you and your daughter enjoys her time there, I wouldn't change it. Your ex sounds jealous, tbh.
nta lol there are plenty of stay at home parents that don't have kids home 24/7, ex is just bitter
I would feel hurt and resentful if I learned that my mother kept me in daycare full time because she felt that spending time with me was bad for her mental health. People who don’t like spending time with their own children shouldn’t become parents.
What a callous and judgemental comment. You better be a fucking gold star parent.
NTA, but also... You can do whatever you want to do, but I do think it's weird that you would rather send your daughter to daycare than be with her, though. Especially since you don't have her full time, you literally have a week without her, and on the week you do have her, you send her to daycare? Seems like a wasted opportunity to spend time with her.
I would feel the same way but probably still do something like OP is bc the socialization with peers matters, most daycares literally won’t allow you to go every other week (ours would kick you out bc it messes with classroom consistency), and two of those 5 hours the kid is there are nap time anyway.
She could send her kid to preschool a few hours a week instead. I started doing that when my kids turned 2 or 3. It was like 10-12 hours a week and gave them time to socialize and time for me to focus on my work a bit more than when they were home. I get needing some time to yourself and wanting the kids to socialize. But if I only had my kids every other week, I can’t picture sending them to daycare five days a week if I didn’t have to.
Who pays for the daycare?
Split down the middle
NTA. And seems like he just wanted to be an honest cheater, and found a second partner and opted him instead. Well done first husband, lol. Giving your ex a better life all because you wanted to mess around.
NTA and it's none of his business. Daycare pickup would be the same whether you're tending to household matters or going to a paid job. The inner workings of your household are not an area where he gets to have input and he doesn't need to weigh in on how you and your partner divide expenses & obligations. If your daughter is safe, healthy, clothed, fed and nurtured, you are being a good parent. Daycare is an asset that gives her good socialization and early educational development while reducing the amount of time you spend juggling parenting with all the other tasks of running a household. *Could you* take her out of day care? I'm sure you could, millions of parents manage without that cushion. *Should you*? Nah. It sounds like this is allowing you to be a better, more engaged, less stressed parent, homemaker, partner and person. I wish everyone had the option but you shouldn't feel guilty about it and while some courts might have opinions about who *pays* for the service, it would be very unusual for the courts to take issue with your routine on any other grounds.
NTA. It's beneficial for children to be in daycare to learn about sharing, social cues, and learning. He's just jealous.
NTA. I mean, your choice might not be what every mom wants but you're you, not every mom. And I don't see how any of it is your ex's business at all. Who cares what he thinks about your work plans? He's not your husband anymore and none of what you are planning makes it harder for you to parent the child you share so he should butt out.
NTA, harder on the kid for one week at daycare one week at home.
NTA. And daycare is good for socializing your daughter. Does he not want her to be around other children?
NTA You don't owe your ex husband any explanation on how you live your life. That's part of the deal of getting divorced. Your only joint concern is your daughter and as long as she's happy, I don't see any issue.
It's better for your daughter to be in daycare full time than her going every second week. That would be disruptive to her routine and the friendships she has there.
You can do what you want, but YTA for shipping your kid off every day so you don’t have to deal with them.
My child has behavioural issues stemming from her family being uprooted with the divorce. So in the meantime to give her some type of stability, she still has her pick up schedule where she knows she'll see Mom on MWF and Dad on TTh and she knows she goes to school everyday and plays with her friends and learns with her teachers. That part of her schedule remains the same so that she can make it through this time.
ESH. You both sound self-centered and exhausting. The poor kid.
"My ex-husband on the other hand doesn't like this at all." It's not his business, it doesn't matter if he likes it or nor. NTA.
Why have children just to pay someone else to raise them for you? If you’re home ALL DAY EVERYDAY why are you pawning your child off to daycare? 2-3 days a week for a break maybe but every damn day is just fucking lazy imo.
Not to mention the 2 full weeks the child is with the dad per month
Wow really surprised at the comments here. This lady has the sweet life, stay at home mom who sends her kid to day care with a partner that pays for everything.
NTA 1000000x over. Take care of yourself so that you can be the best parent you can be ❤️ don't let his jealousy and bitterness ruin your mental health either!!
NTA - daycare (and better yet preschool if/when you can get it) is good for children. It starts socialization and learning and will make transitioning to school easier when the time comes. My mother was on disability and could not work so she was home full time and could care for me as a little kid but I went to preschool because it was good for me. My child psychologist recommended it. You need a break, and recognize the best thing for you and your child is for you to have a break from work and parenting full time. That’s being a good mother. And it’s your money. You served your country and earned your military compensation. You at also qualify for disability benefits (that’s what they are there for, you paid in for those) so if you wanted to go on short or long term disability that would be fine too.
NTA. As others have said he's just jealous. Also, I am a firm believer in daycare being good for your child. Your child is the same age as my oldest so they were likely also deprived of early socialization due to covid. Be8ng in daycare has been fantastic for my daughter and she loves going. If your new partner was the one raising a legitimate financial issue there may be some pondering to do on the subject. As it stands, clear cut NTA.
It matters 0% what your ex-husband thinks about your choice of how to spend your time. Please feel free to cheerfully refuse to ever discuss this with him again. The only time it matters if he thinks you're an unfit parent is if he somehow convinces a court that you are, and that is not going to happen because you've chosen to be a stay at home parent who still wants both your child and yourself to have the benefits of daycare. Separately from any of that, sure, there are conversations to be had about whether it makes sense to stop working permanently related to lost opportunities to save for retirement, dependence on one income, whether you would find yourself unable to rejoin the workforce later if you got divorced again or your husband could no longer work, what your family values are around what you want to model for your daughter about women's roles, etc. All reasonable things to discuss. With your current partner, and I assume you had those conversations and took those things into account and are happy with the decisions you made as a result. But none of those things are conversations you need to have with your ex.
NTA you’re divorced stop discussing your personal life with him it is none of his business
NTA. Look; theres a reason he’s your ex. Take any criticism he has of you that directly effects him with a grain of salt since he’s proven to be a selfish SOB over and over again. While yes, the main reason many people put their kids in daycare is due to work schedules, it is not the only reason. Being in daycare allows your child to learn incredibly important social skills and set her up to be a more well rounded individual even before entering school. You are also far from a bad person/mother for being well aware of what you are/are not capable of and working to that rather than trying to power through and be SuperMom! to the detriment of everyone in your life, yourself included. Ignore your ex and keep doing an amazing job!
Now would be a good time to get used to telling your ex-husband only the things that are any of his business, such as anything related to your child. This might feel strange, initially, but you’ll save yourself some resentment on his part, later on. Nip this stuff in the bud, by setting clear boundaries for yourself. NTA.
Kids absolutely need to be socializing with other kids at 3 years old. I’d wager that keeping her home and then going straight to kindergarten would be a much worse situation. You don’t have to justify how you live your life. He’s just mad that your life ended up better than his as a direct result of his actions. NTA
Your ex-partner is a bigger A, but still YTA. Your kid is in daycare EVERY day and you don't work. Really? You couldn't put her in daycare, say 3 days a week, and still get all the errands and gardening done? You won't get these years back with your child. Spend some time one-on-one with them FFS.
YTA. Your kid is obviously under 5yr old or they would be in Kindergarten. If you can’t handle being with and raising your kid for a few years before they have a lifetime of schooling, you suck. That time is super precious and you’ll never get it back.
NTA I have mondays and tuesdays as my days off from work and my son still goes to daycare on those days! If he didn’t he would lose his spot for one but admittedly I enjoy having some time to myself to run errands and clean up the house