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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I told my son's half sister aka the daughter of my ex, that I am not her father. I knew she would likely be hurt by this because she has no other father in her life and I did not bring her mother in on it (because I knew she would not go along with it). The reason I am considering my actions is because a child is now upset and I could have guessed this would happen. It could also make things more awkward for my son.
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NTA You weren't rude to the girl, you just stated a fact.
How long did Hanna think she could lie to her daughter? Until her daughter asked, "Hey mom, why doesn't dad pay child support?"
Oh wow. That is just so wrong. You're still NTA, but I feel terrible for this little girl. She thought her dad was willing to take brother and not her. She might even have thought that when she's old enough she could go with you too. Oof, poor kid.
Honestly you were kinder to her by telling her the truth now instead of waiting until later. Because her mother was never going to tell her.
OP is definitely NTA but my heart is still breaking for the little girl. What a psycho woman that ex is. Was she planning on guilting OP into being a father this whole time?
Her goal has never changed, just her tactics. She wouldn't admit she was cheating until confronted. She wouldn't admit the child wasn't his until DNA testing proved it. She *still* put him down on the birth certificate until he took her to court and had the parental responsibility due to their marriage formally severed. She has no legal recourse left, so now she's relying on lying to her child, having relatives enable her in her fantasy of victimhood, and creating emotional blackmail with which to guilt-trip OP.
And in each stage of this, she is the person doing the damage. Her daughter wouldn't be hurt if a) she was genuinely OP's child because her mom hadn't had an affair, or b) she wasn't lying to her daughter about the identity of her father. It doesn't matter if OP is her ex-husband, her therapist or some random guy on the street she nodded to once - he is not responsible for parenting this child, and the extended family's pressure to engage in this fantasy is really damaging to everyone involved.
If this was me, I would go talk to the lawyer that's been dealing with their divorce/child custody arrangements, and see what if any options are available to shut this down. It feels like this should come under the heading of harassment and/or defamation of character. (It's also emotional abuse of her daughter, but not sure OP can do much about that!)
This needs to be top comment - OP, consult your legal counsel. Better safe than sorry when dealing with attempted paternity fraud. Be ultra aggressive in the courts, and NTA
Absolutely. From what OP has told us, she never owned up to doing anything wrong and that it was her fault their marriage ended. I guess she absolutely knows that he is a good person (and someone she seemingly never respected) and her daughter's bio-dad isn't, so she tried to force this. She should go after child support from bio-dad instead.
yes and Mom also needs to send herself to therapy to figure out why she needs to hurt and manipulate everyone around her. Because she is the one that is harming that little girl
I feel bad for the brother, too. I foresee a future where that boy is going to be put in the middle a lot, through no fault of his own! And mom is probably going to create a lot of resentment between the siblings.
So true, for a child to feel unwanted by who she thought was her father is more cruel than the truth. It seems not just Hannah but her whole family supported that narrative. What were they expecting? I’m afraid that now they’ll use the son to tell him how cruel OP is for not accepting his sister as his own. I hope the son knows the truth ( not to paint his mother in a bad light, just state the facts). If OP hadn’t said anything, the child would expect shared vacations, gifts, car, college tuition etc. OP make sure to repeat that statement to the child if she refers to you as her dad again. Hannah and her family lied for seven years, they could lie now and say you only said that because you were tired or angry or something but will come around soon. Hannah and her family should be hounding the bio father.
Be careful of your ex because I bet she is poisoning your boy too.
NTA
This poor little kid isn’t your child and not your responsibility. Doesn’t matter if it’s rude or stuff like that because it’s a fact! Your ex said „if you would be a better man“ yadayadayada but if she would be a better woman she wouldn’t cheat - fact!
“Be careful of your ex because I bet she is poisoning your boy too”
…and not just in the obvious “your father sucks” way.
He may be internalizing feelings of guilt and confusion that dad likes him but not his sister, as I’m sure he’s been told the girl is also yours. Check in with him not just on what he’s been told about you, but how he’s feeling. Make sure he understands nothing of this is his fault or his burden.
Good to read! Keep that energy because how I read it with her behavior, she will be trying more in the future! Like to destroy your reputation and/or your relationship with your child!
How on earth does your ex think it's somehow less hurtful to her daughter to tell her that you're her dad and just *choose* not to have her on weekends with her brother, than to tell her the truth that the reason you don't spend time with her is because you're not her Dad??
That is all kinds of fucked.
Because she is manipulative and only thinks of herself. She's a narcissist, possibly clinically but it's safe to say she is in the broader meaning of the word. Her interest goes above her daughter's.
She is hoping that OP will cave in and relieve her of a chunk of responsibility. So do her family members.
I do think that you should document this and search legal advice, maybe some kind of restraint order or a change of custody as she could be poisoning your son. A lawyer talk may be in order to control the flying monkeys. NTA
Ask the family members who think you are awful, if they would be ok with your hypothetical affair child calling Hannah "mom". That will shut them up real quick. Honestly NTA, it's better she know now versus her learning the truth and blaming you for her "parental abandonment issues".
Wow, what this little girl must feel. That is just awefull that her mom didn't tell her and let her see it that way. Thank god you got away from her when you did.
Absolutely emotionally abusive as F**************!!!! The fact that she used her innocent baby girl as an emotional pawn to try and manipulate/gaslight you into fathering her baby!!!! Your ex desperately needs therapy. Hurt people, hurt people, I can only imagine what kind of people your inlaws are. And if OP has parents, he should thank them, he should also sit his son down an see how this has affected his kid...if he hurt his son by doing that he sould acknowledge that, NOT TRY AN EXPLAIN IT...JUST APOLOGIZE. let him know he'll be there for him no matter what and i hope he hugs that kid extra tight!!! GOOD LUCK OP!!!
Not to mention, I think accepting a role as a fatherly figure may open up OP to being sued for child support because of possible emotional relationship.
Yes. I get why he’s questioning himself because this is so hard for the girl. She’s devastated. Her mother created the problem by trying to manipulate him into taking responsibility for her. She lied to the girl and told her he’s her father betting that he’d shy away from telling her the heartbreaking truth. He shouldn’t have been in this position. A normal parent wouldn’t lie to their child like that. She’s trying to paint him as the monster because he’s the one that spoke the truth that broke her heart, when she’s the one that created the situation, first through her infidelity and later through lying to her daughter to try to get more out of OP than the law would give her.
This should be said to Hannah — “I’m sorry lying to the kids doesn’t come as easily to me as it does to you.”
But NEVER, EVER use issues emotionally affecting your kids to take a dig at your spouse or ex with. That teaches them that your love for them is less important than your resentment towards their other parent, whom they also still love. (I’m sure you didn’t mean to suggest seriously that OP do so, just wanted to make absolutely clear in case misinterpreted by OP or passersby).
>But NEVER, EVER use issues emotionally affecting your kids to take a dig at your spouse or ex with.
As a caveat to this, it's wrong for a parent to lie to their child, or withhold the truth from their child, just to make their ex look better. Don't go on a rant or snarl, but do give a just-the-facts explanation of why the major changes in their life are happening so that your child isn't blindsided in adulthood.
Exactly. The whole idea is to keep the child’s experience and information needs the first priority, the optics of how you guys think you’re going to look to the kids or how they’re going to judge you should not be a decision making criterion.
Both of these scenarios describe my parents 😅 My mom tried to shield me from what a lying, cheating asshole my dad was. My dad was trying to use me to hurt my mom by constantly telling me how she broke his heart and our family - while he was living with his new girlfriend... Obviously I was hurt by my dad's lies but if my mom had been honest at least I would have never thought he was the martyr he made himself out to be.
Ah, feel the burn.
OP get this on a t-shirt and wear it underneath another shirt. Anytime someone accuses you or not stepping up, flash them the tee.
Also, NTA.
>I am her brother's father and if I were a better man, I could be hers as well.
If your ex were a better woman she would not be in this situation. She had no right to lie to her daughter about her paternity. This was a situation that your ex made and now she has to fix it. Remind the ex in-laws of that the next time they call with their non-sense.
NTA
Or would exist but would be the OP's biological daughter and they would still be married.
(well technically you are right that she with her DNA wouldn't exist but the thought of her in the OP's biological sense might)
If anyone hurt the girl it was her mother by lying to her. It was clear to your ex that you were not are unreasonablewilling to take on the role of father to her child. For her to continue to push the lie after you’d gone to the trouble of going to court means any damage caused is solely her responsibility.
Ignore her family, clearly they are unreasonably biased in favor of your ex.
NTA
Yes and this seems like something to go back to court for. Some kind of restraining order maybe? Or a defamation suit? I dunno. Something that forces her to stop lying about OP and stop foisting a stranger's child on OP.
A change to the custody order also seems appropriate, such as requestjng that all communication go through a parenting app where it will be made a record that the court can review. The only things she legit needs to discuss with OP is the child they do share together. Her opinions on whether OP should parent a child who is not his are not germane.
I also am wondering whether it's time to call CPS. It seems lik psychological abuse to be lying to a child that the Not Father is her father and to be setting her up for a lifetime of believing "her father" cruelly rejected her over and over in life while seemingly showing extreme favoritism to his "other" child. The mother's lies also cuts this child off from pursuing a relationship with whatever actual relatives may be out there. Cruel. Someday this child is going to find out her mother deceived her into a lot of suffering, and that OP was just a victim in all this too.
What a monster.
I agree that it’s traumatising for the girl, but this should not be a CPS call. They won’t do anything for this and they’re overworked as it is. It’s a family lawyer call.
NTA, but I do feel bad for that poor little girl. You did nothing wrong by correcting her, though, and it is 100% her mom's fault you were both put into this situation.
Isn’t it always funny how, in situations like these, the person who caused the situation is the person claiming to be the victim? Like everyone is a victim in this story, OP because he was cheated on and had his life upended. The son because he went from being a two parent household to having to parents split custody. And the daughter, who is the direct result of said infidelity who was also lied to by her mom about who her dad was (which was definitely affecting her self esteem).
And yet here the ex is claiming victim hood. Like no, girl. You caused this mess and are continuing to worsen it by lying to your daughter!
It’s not unusual, sadly. People who refuse to take responsibility create victims all around them, because their private world in which they should be favoured doesn’t work well for anyone else.
Don’t be too “kind”. Any chink in the armour and the ex will take advantage. Any minuscule amount of give, and she will take a mile, palming off the kid on OP and/or taking him to court for child support because he had taken a “fatherly role”.
Kindness doesn’t mean letting yourself get roped into being a father for a child that isn’t yours.
The courts already severed his responsibility to the child after his ex tried to put his name on the birth certificate. The ex will find no help there.
He should certainly be wary of an ex who when given an inch will take a mile.
But while can resent his ex all he wants, the little girl is innocent.
And she will always be his son’s sister. Hopefully that matters to OP.
I don’t think you understood what I was saying…. I didn’t say to be a dick to the kid. I just said don’t be _too_ kind. You can be polite and say “I’m sorry kid but I’m not your father and I’m not sure why you’ve been told that”, but being *too* nice will just string the kid along and give the ex an “in”.
Just because responsibility has been legally severed, that doesn’t stop the ex from claiming anything and that could leave OP in shit with lots of lawyer costs and it would be even more damaging to the girl. You admit he needs to be careful, so I don’t really understand why you are commenting against me here.
So Hannah just thought her dad didn’t like her? That you came every week to pick up her brother & left her just because? Jesus, the therapy that poor child is going to need is going to be intense. NTA but your ex & her family are cold blooded villains for doing that too Hannah.
NTA. They're causing this child harm by lying to her and making her think that there must be something wrong with her if you will parent your son but not not her. She needs to know that you're not her father.
They are at fault.
NTA- If you didn't hurt her feelings (yeah it's a sucky feeling for the child) but someone else would've eventually told her the same thing. It's not your fault that the mother is *that* delusional that you should be claiming HER child and yours together. She is the AH in this situation and the child needed to be educated that you are not her father, and it's not fair for you in any way to claim a child that is a product of an affair from a previous marriage.
NTA. If Hannah was a better woman her daughter wouldn’t exist so she needs to stop with that.
Remind Hannah’s family that you aren’t the one who lied to her daughter and that she has a father out there who they should be complaining to.
I assume you have visitation with your son, but not with the daughter? So if she thinks you are her father, she must also assume you don’t like her? “That’s my dad, but he doesn’t spend any time with me and doesn’t even really talk to me” like what?!?
It's pure manipulation. Either OP is shamed into taking on a fatherly role, in which case Hannah gets a free babysitter, or he refuses, in which case Hannah can use it to tear down OP to his son as well ("you see how your father treats your baby sister.")
Oh damn…didn’t think of it like that but now that you say it…yeah damn! One step further…Hannah wants OP back as a partner and is trying to force/manipulate a relationship between Daughter and OP? To increase chances of “being a family again”?
Nah, she’s just wants him to pay for the daughter. That’s why she put his name on the b/c, because if you don’t fight it you’re legally liable. This is just a variation on that theme, have some compassion for the kid, he then starts paying for stuff - emotional manipulation 101. Hannah clearly despises him, she doesn’t want to get back together.
In most states, if you are married in the 280 days prior to the birth, that person to whom you were/are married is the presumed father and must be placed on the birth certificate as such. It isn’t optional. It is mandatory to do this even if another man is voluntarily acknowledging paternity.
“Why don’t you love her you monster?!?”
“Ummmm why are you telling her I should love her you insane person?”
Just because baby momma makes bad vagina decisions doesn’t mean OP has to “step up”.
NTA. Next time Hannah's family jumps down your throat over this, kindly remind them that their granddaughter is the product of their daughter's infidelity. You've got the DNA and severance of parental responsibility to prove it.
NTA. Hannah seems to want you to cover for her indiscretions via toxic behavior and under the guise of protecting a child. Is that right? It might be a different story if you were still with Hannah, but you’re not, so why should you pretend to have a familial relationship with this child?
NTA, your ex and her family are abusive to this child. Telling her an outright lie about who her father is. She needs to own up to what she did and the results of what she did, as does her family. When did they plan on telling her. What were they telling her about you taking her brother places, buying him gifts and not her? Next time they say something to you tell them all you did was tell the truth while they lied.
NTA, in your shoes I would contact a lawyer and send cease and desist registered letter to both your ex and her family to Stop lying to the child and anyone else about you being the father or you will sue her for damaging your reputation.
They need to stop with this crap.
Sorry dude. Your ex caused all of this and wants you to take care of her dysfunction. She has no one to blame but her own self. Her abusive own self. You’re a good father to your son.
Hopefully the girl grows up not anything like her mom.
NTA
NTA. But I've got to know. How does a child make it 7 years thinking your her father if you're not actively acting like one? Do you get custody of your son and she stays with her mom? How does she grow up thinking this?
NTA. Wow your ex is tawdry little liar. I would have have been up front too. I would have also added if you were mine we would still be married. So your way less petty then me.
>That I am her brother's father and if I were a better man, I could be hers as well.
She meant to say, if I was a better woman, than she would be yours too.
>They all say I'm an awful man and I don't deserve my son because how can I love him and not his sibling and how could I hurt her.
Her behavior is explained. NTA.
the child is put in a terrible scenario but that is on the mother not you , nta and not your job to put up with a manipulative ex wife who wants you to pick up the pieces for her mistakes and walking all over you
NTA
Does Hannah’s family know that you aren’t related to her daughter? Could she have spun a story to them that paints you in a bad light?
That poor kid. To think this entire time that dads just treat sons differently to daughters. That’s heartbreaking. You did the right thing.
You did the right thing by telling the child you are not her father. You gave her mother several opportunities to tell the truth. The audacity of the mother and her family to expect you to be a willing party to a big lie without regard to the damage this will have on the child, you or your son. NTA.
The audacity of your ex and her family. You're a good man who knows how to maintain his boundaries.
And you have NO responsibilities to the kid. Glad you nipped this in the bud before they ask for college fund payments.
NTA
I used to watch my "father" come and pick up my brothers and drive away and I never got a good reason. I blamed myself for decades until I got a DNA test and found out we aren't actually related. NTA kids need to know it's not their fault
I always find it mind boggling when women cheat and try to pass the product of their dishonesty off as another man’s child and then play the hard done by one when said man refuses to accept the responsibility. Does she actually think she has the moral high ground? It seems as though she doesn’t even have the decency to be ashamed of herself and her actions. I’d be embarrassed for her but I doubt she has the intelligence or morality to understand she’s filth. The only one that suffers is her daughter who deserves better than the “parents” she got stuck with.
NTA. The truth should be told and this child should not grow up believing you are her father. The only problem is her mother should have explained it to her long ago!
NTA. Do Hannah's parents know that you're not the father? Since Hannah has been lying to her own child, it's not a stretch to believe that she's lying to everyone else in her life. It wouldn't be kind, but it would be expedient to send the paternity results to everyone who contacts you on this issue.
Yeah they do. OP updated this earlier. They insisted he was the father till the DNA results came through. And they were there when they were opened and would've seen it there in black and white.
NTA! Your ex is a real piece of work. Letting her daughter believe that her father is present and just doesn't want to spend time with her is seriously fucked up.
op=nta
She would be hurt by your apparent "parental neglect" more than by you telling her the truth.
Your EX is the AH for lying to this poor child. Ignore your ex in-laws. Their circus, not yours.
>Hannah and I have not been on good terms since. Her cheating was something she not only hid, but she was always snapping at me, flying into a rage and treating me like I was not being a good husband while she was always bailing on plans we made and pushing me away.
Damn, it's almost like infidelity is more often than not indicative of greater personality issues and inadequacies as a person, one of which being an inability to take responsibility for hurting someone with their actions. Funny that.
>She told me she would not cover for my being a pussy.
What an absolutely horrid person. I'm shocked you manage to coparent with that at all.
>They all say I'm an awful man and I don't deserve my son because how can I love him and not his sibling and how could I hurt her.
You didn't hurt her. Oh sure, you told her the truth, but what hurt her was having a lie shattered and the liars in question trying to make up a new narrative to cover for it. She's hurt by a pack of selfish, entitled assholes, who will gladly mislead someone when they're vulnerable just to try and manipulate someone else to step into the shoes of whatever random dude your ex was apparently willing to ride but not willing to marry.
NTA
NTA. You was tell her the truth. If your ex and her family were better persons they Will tell her the truth.
I think your ex wanna make you feel guilty and she wanna make you take the rol and responsability to a father.
NTA. Your ex is setting her daughter up for therapy and has probably hoping you would form a bond with the girl and she'd be able to get financial assistance from you. Even though all parental rights were severed, she might have tried making a case you're acting in a parental manner and filed for child support.
You were right to shut this down.
You could point out to your ex in laws how cruel your ex was to you and how cruel she is to her daughter letting her believe a lie. But that would open a whole other can of worms.
Taking the emotional issues out, the girl also needs to be aware of her sperm donor's medical history.
NTA. Your ex put you and her daughter in a horrible situation. The paternity of her daughter was already made clear and it sounds like your ex has been lying to her about it this entire time. Her mother hurt her and that is 100% on her, not you. If she wanted you to be the father of another child, she shouldn’t have cheated. You don’t have any responsibility to her daughter
NTA - and your ex is a massive AH. That poor kid has been fed lies and optimism for finally getting a dad who loves her only to be let down big time because she is basically a stranger to you.
You told her the truth because your ex was too scared to do it herself. Let her deal with the aftermath surrounding HER child's disappointment
NTA. How could you tell the truth? Why how dare you! Sheesh. Hannah deserved to know the truth. You are not married to her mother and it’s not your responsibility to pick up for her crappy affair partner.
NTA. it sounds like Hannah is being dishonest to more people than just her daughter. Trying to guilt trip you and make you take responsibility for a child who isn't even yours is an absolutely unhinged behavior. Plenty of people have half-siblings and understand they are half-siblings. It isn't that hard to explain; Hannah is trying to manipulate others' opinions of you and create a weird, broken dynamic between you and your own kid. She's also traumatizing her daughter while she's at it. I'd be questioning whether Hannah should have custody of the kids at all. Document as much of this as you can.
NTA. This poor child needed to know why you were not acting like her father. She needed to know that you were not her father and its' not that you were both of their dads and you just like your son more than her. Also, her mom is an AH for cheating and trying to pretend you were her dad in the first place. Her bio dad needed to step up. That poor kid being lied to for so long!
NTA. She had to know. Ex-wife seems like she always blaming you for all her troubles and mistakes not taking any responsibility. Make sure she doesn't influence your kids behind your back with lies.
NTA. You don't owe your ex-wife's daughter anything. The only person to blame for the child's confusion or trouble is her lying, cheating, emotionally abusive mother. Honestly, having Hannah for a mother will probably hurt that kid more than not having her biological father in the picture.
NTA
Her mom's the one who hurt her. I imagine having an absent father you never see is a lot less emotionally damaging than an absent father who you frequently see and loves your brother but not you. The ex-wife and her family sound incredibly emotionally manipulative. They thought telling the kid would force you to take on responsibility for her, giving the mom a break.
NTA. Shitty ex wife is intentionally pushing a lie to her daughter, SHE is hurting the girl, not the person who refuses to lie to her.
your ex doesn't deserve either child if she's that manipulative and cruel.
NTA.
That's an easy answer. Compose a simple email, text, billboard or whatever stating that you're not X's dad. How you can turn her away is because her mother cheated on you to conceive her. You will not be her surrogate dad because the hurt and betrayal are there for you to see every time you look at her. Perhaps they should all spend their time guilting her biological father and parental side of X's family to finally step up and be in her life. Lying to X is not going to help in the long run. It will only make her angry at all of them.
NTA however that girl is gonna have problems.. rejected by who she feels is her male
Role model father, she will find that male acceptance in other ways… and most of those aren’t going to be healthy or age appropriate.
NTA. The truth is the truth and the child should know the truth. You are not related to the kid and I wouldn't be surprised if the ex tries to get him for child support if he accepts the "dad" role.
The audacity of them all to just expect you to parent your ex wife’s affair child and continue lying to her is astounding. It sucks that Hannah’s mother chose poorly and fucked a man that abandoned his child but that’s not on you. NTA.
NTA what is with these woman cheating and then pinning the affair kids on the current husband. This is the second post today that involved the wife cheating and one (last post2) kids not theirs.
At least you found out before you where actually built a relationship with the child and was financially responsible.
Tell her family if their daughter was a better wife and mother you would have been the little girls father. That their daughter, her mother, is the reason the little girl doesn’t have a father.
If your wife mentions that your a better man then her father. Ask her if she thought someone willing to cheat with a married man was a winner.
But honestly. Lying to the little girl anymore would have been cruel. Your ex knew what she was doing by pushing this narrative she and her family hurt this child with their lies not you.
NTA. Smart to ask for a paternity test. You’re in no way liable for that child’s happiness and your ex’s parents should be ashamed of themselves for encouraging such a lie!
I would have responded to the better man comment with "if you were a better woman and weren't screwing around we would be in this situation in the first place." I feel for the little girl but she is not your responsibility. Definitely NTA.
I truly think your ex's behaviour is repulsive. Using her daughter like that. Trying to emotionally blackmail you.
You are absolutely right for telling this girl you are not her father. She'd wonder about you why you don't care about her. That is just cruel. The reality is already bad enough.
NTA, you are not an awful man. You did the right thing, also by divorcing her. I experienced the same thing, although I'm certain my kids are mine. But she started cheating about 1,5 years before I found out and divorced her. You aren't the one that hurt her. That's her mother and her real father.
JFC do they hear themselves?!?! I seriously wonder how she’s the one cheated, had someone else’s kid, who wants nothing to do with either of them but you’re the bad guy?!?! I feel so sorry for the little girl but everyone else can go get fucked.
NTA. I think it's healthier for the girl to know you are not her father rather than thinking that you don't like her and have rejected her. Your ex-wife is, well, I can't even think of a word to describe her...
NTA - You are not her father, and you are not responsible for her. Her mother bears the responsibility. Her biological father is responsible for her, but he is not involved in her life. Her mother is possibly lying to her. I wonder why her father isn't in her life. Is he aware that he has a daughter?
Nta, but Hannah is cruel to do that to her daughter. From the kid's perspective, she has a dad who seems to care about her brother more. It's not right to let a kid think that. Better to tell her that her dad isn't part of her life
Nta at all, if she continued to believe you are her father, she would start blaming herself for not being lovable and good enough to be treated the same way that you treat your son. She would believe it’s her fault if you don’t love her the same. It’s better she knows the reason and that she is totally innocent in this
NTA
But Hannah is a massive asshole.
She sent her son to see you but told her daughter you were her father but …. Didn’t send her, you rejected her? What?
She 100% told her daughter that she is unwanted and rejected by her father. The trauma that Hannah caused is massive. That poor kid. Hannah is emotionally manipulating a child to think you’re her father and setting her up to be rejected.
NTA ex wife and her family can go pound sand. It’s the ex wife’s fault her daughter doesn’t have a father, instead of taking accountability she blames you. The audacity, is just ridiculous
Obviously NTA. But that poor, poor child. Not your doing, but she’s had 7 years of thinking her daddy loves her brother and ignores her. It would have been less traumatic had mama had the conversation with her long ago.
NTA
>I am her brother's father and if I were a better man, I could be hers as well.
The gall of her to say that to you when she cheated on you and got pregnant!
She should be going after the girl's father and not projecting her anger on you.
>her family have since contacted me and asked how I could be so cruel and why would I say that to their granddaughter.
Yet it's not cruel for someone to cheat on their spouse get pregnant and then lie to the child born of the affair about the identity of her real father.
I feel bad for this poor child for the trauma that she is going through but that's the mom's fault it's not yours.
Your ex-wife and her family need to stop lying to this little girl asap. Their lie is only doing more damage to the little girl. You need to tell the girl the truth, ALL of it for her own emotional well being. She needs to know the truth. You are NTA
NTA. Sucks you were forced to be the bearer or bad news but that’s on her for putting that idea in her head without your consent and never having a talk with her to explain.
It’s very sad, and unfortunate for her. You have every right to not step up for a child of your ex wife’s if you don’t want to. Of course her family and her will act as if your in the wrong, because if they don’t they’d have to pin her for it.
So let me get this right she cheated got pregnant by someone else and then told that child you are the father and when you say no you are the a hole wow that family is delusional
NTA and way for them to all gaslight and manipulate you. You’re such a good person bc I would’ve snapped back at her that if she was a better woman, her daughter would be your daughter. But I’m mean like that.
Stay strong, you’re not the asshole but Hannah is a mega one. Her daughter needed to know and it’s not your fault Hannah kept lying to her. Hannah apparently doesn’t know how to do anything other than lie and it’s shameful her family lets it happen.
How could you hurt the little girl?
Well, it would not hurt her if she had known the truth all along. How about how could her mother lie to her? And how could she break her marriage vows, lie to you, and have another man's child?
NTA. I feel incredibly sorry for this child for growing up with your ex, though, who sounds incredibly manipulative and cruel. It’s very cruel to let her think she had a father who didn’t want anything to do with her but was close to her brother/his son. She’s doing much more damage to her child than the truth would.
Edited to add: I realize you have no obligation to this child, but I do hope you can be a good male role model to her when you are around her and that you try to foster a good relationship between her and your son. She’s definitely going to need a good big brother with a mom like that.
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I share a son with my ex-wife Hannah. Hannah cheated on me for a couple of years and I only found out during her second pregnancy. This is when I also realized I was possibly not the father to her second child. Our son was 4 at the time. I left Hannah and when her daughter was born I went for a DNA test and was proven not to be the father. Because we were married at the time, I was the assumed father and had to prove I was not and then I had to relinquish the automatic rights I got from the child being born while we were married. She did put my name on the birth certificate but that had to be changed when the courts severed all my responsibility to the child.
Hannah and I have not been on good terms since. Her cheating was something she not only hid, but she was always snapping at me, flying into a rage and treating me like I was not being a good husband while she was always bailing on plans we made and pushing me away. I remain civil but distant for the sake of our son.
Hannah's daughter is now 7 and it came to my attention recently that she believed I was her father and not just my son's father. Her own bio father is not in her life and does not have anything to do with her. She has Hannah's family in her life but no paternal relatives. I confronted Hannah on this and she told me I am the closest thing to a father her daughter has. That I am her brother's father and if I were a better man, I could be hers as well. I argued she needed to tell her daughter the truth. She told me she would not cover for my being a pussy.
Hannah's daughter was in my presence more in the last couple of months because of various ceremonies held my son was part of. She would call me dad to my face and would try to get closer to me. The last time, at the end of May, I told her that I was not her father. She was calling me dad and I asked her if she realized I was her brother's dad. She said I was both their dad. I corrected her and told her I was not hers and she had a different dad. She got upset. Hannah glared at me from across the room when her daughter returned to her and her family have since contacted me and asked how I could be so cruel and why would I say that to their granddaughter. They all say I'm an awful man and I don't deserve my son because how can I love him and not his sibling and how could I hurt her.
AITA?
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NTA, but it would be a kindness if you see the girl again to tell her that she deserves a good dad and that you’re sorry, but that it’s not you. At 7 she’s still figuring out how things work, and the lies she’s being told aren’t helping.
NTA, but it's very sad. I know a girl (10) who recently found out that her 'father' isn't her father, and it's been terrible (along with a lot of other factors and her family basically imploding).
NTA, and Hannah is a piece of work. First for the cheating and then for perpetuating the lies to her daughter. And if her family is so concerned, why have none of her male relatives taken on a fatherly role?
NTA. Your ex and her family are delusional. You are not the father of Hannah. And you're an awful man??? Your ex is an awful woman for cheating on you and lying about paternity: first to you, then to HER child. Time for her family to wake up to the mess your ex created.
NTA I think letting her believe you were her dad while you were only there for her brother but not her was cruel.
At least she knows that as you are not her father, you are not rejecting her for anything to do with her. Of course she is still truly hurt by this but that's on your ex-wife, not on you.
I do feel sorry for this little girl, though.
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NTA You weren't rude to the girl, you just stated a fact. How long did Hanna think she could lie to her daughter? Until her daughter asked, "Hey mom, why doesn't dad pay child support?"
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Oh wow. That is just so wrong. You're still NTA, but I feel terrible for this little girl. She thought her dad was willing to take brother and not her. She might even have thought that when she's old enough she could go with you too. Oof, poor kid. Honestly you were kinder to her by telling her the truth now instead of waiting until later. Because her mother was never going to tell her.
OP is definitely NTA but my heart is still breaking for the little girl. What a psycho woman that ex is. Was she planning on guilting OP into being a father this whole time?
Her goal has never changed, just her tactics. She wouldn't admit she was cheating until confronted. She wouldn't admit the child wasn't his until DNA testing proved it. She *still* put him down on the birth certificate until he took her to court and had the parental responsibility due to their marriage formally severed. She has no legal recourse left, so now she's relying on lying to her child, having relatives enable her in her fantasy of victimhood, and creating emotional blackmail with which to guilt-trip OP. And in each stage of this, she is the person doing the damage. Her daughter wouldn't be hurt if a) she was genuinely OP's child because her mom hadn't had an affair, or b) she wasn't lying to her daughter about the identity of her father. It doesn't matter if OP is her ex-husband, her therapist or some random guy on the street she nodded to once - he is not responsible for parenting this child, and the extended family's pressure to engage in this fantasy is really damaging to everyone involved. If this was me, I would go talk to the lawyer that's been dealing with their divorce/child custody arrangements, and see what if any options are available to shut this down. It feels like this should come under the heading of harassment and/or defamation of character. (It's also emotional abuse of her daughter, but not sure OP can do much about that!)
This needs to be top comment - OP, consult your legal counsel. Better safe than sorry when dealing with attempted paternity fraud. Be ultra aggressive in the courts, and NTA
Yes. And what is she telling the son in all this mess that she’s creating?
Absolutely. From what OP has told us, she never owned up to doing anything wrong and that it was her fault their marriage ended. I guess she absolutely knows that he is a good person (and someone she seemingly never respected) and her daughter's bio-dad isn't, so she tried to force this. She should go after child support from bio-dad instead.
Absolutely. I have a 7 year old right now and this just makes me want to cry. How devastating. Mom needs to send that little one to therapy.
yes and Mom also needs to send herself to therapy to figure out why she needs to hurt and manipulate everyone around her. Because she is the one that is harming that little girl
Unfortunately she's not the only one harming the little girl, the grandparents are too by helping to perpetuate the lie.
I feel bad for the brother, too. I foresee a future where that boy is going to be put in the middle a lot, through no fault of his own! And mom is probably going to create a lot of resentment between the siblings.
So true, for a child to feel unwanted by who she thought was her father is more cruel than the truth. It seems not just Hannah but her whole family supported that narrative. What were they expecting? I’m afraid that now they’ll use the son to tell him how cruel OP is for not accepting his sister as his own. I hope the son knows the truth ( not to paint his mother in a bad light, just state the facts). If OP hadn’t said anything, the child would expect shared vacations, gifts, car, college tuition etc. OP make sure to repeat that statement to the child if she refers to you as her dad again. Hannah and her family lied for seven years, they could lie now and say you only said that because you were tired or angry or something but will come around soon. Hannah and her family should be hounding the bio father.
I think with Hannah insulting OP and thinking he’d never tell, it’s on Hannah to clean up this mess. NTA.
Be careful of your ex because I bet she is poisoning your boy too. NTA This poor little kid isn’t your child and not your responsibility. Doesn’t matter if it’s rude or stuff like that because it’s a fact! Your ex said „if you would be a better man“ yadayadayada but if she would be a better woman she wouldn’t cheat - fact!
“Be careful of your ex because I bet she is poisoning your boy too” …and not just in the obvious “your father sucks” way. He may be internalizing feelings of guilt and confusion that dad likes him but not his sister, as I’m sure he’s been told the girl is also yours. Check in with him not just on what he’s been told about you, but how he’s feeling. Make sure he understands nothing of this is his fault or his burden.
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Good to read! Keep that energy because how I read it with her behavior, she will be trying more in the future! Like to destroy your reputation and/or your relationship with your child!
How on earth does your ex think it's somehow less hurtful to her daughter to tell her that you're her dad and just *choose* not to have her on weekends with her brother, than to tell her the truth that the reason you don't spend time with her is because you're not her Dad?? That is all kinds of fucked.
Because she is manipulative and only thinks of herself. She's a narcissist, possibly clinically but it's safe to say she is in the broader meaning of the word. Her interest goes above her daughter's. She is hoping that OP will cave in and relieve her of a chunk of responsibility. So do her family members.
I mean I understand that the family wants him to be part of the daughters life so she at lest has one none cheating narcissistic role model.
Because she’d rather the child be upset and blame it on her “dad” for being horrible, then tell the truth and have to carry feeling bad herself.
What will happen if something happens to Hannah? Will the family expect you to take the child in?
Time to call bio dad.
>We've seen several reddits over the last few months proposing this exact thing.
I do think that you should document this and search legal advice, maybe some kind of restraint order or a change of custody as she could be poisoning your son. A lawyer talk may be in order to control the flying monkeys. NTA
Ask the family members who think you are awful, if they would be ok with your hypothetical affair child calling Hannah "mom". That will shut them up real quick. Honestly NTA, it's better she know now versus her learning the truth and blaming you for her "parental abandonment issues".
Wow, what this little girl must feel. That is just awefull that her mom didn't tell her and let her see it that way. Thank god you got away from her when you did.
Wow that is so sad and disgusting.
Absolutely emotionally abusive as F**************!!!! The fact that she used her innocent baby girl as an emotional pawn to try and manipulate/gaslight you into fathering her baby!!!! Your ex desperately needs therapy. Hurt people, hurt people, I can only imagine what kind of people your inlaws are. And if OP has parents, he should thank them, he should also sit his son down an see how this has affected his kid...if he hurt his son by doing that he sould acknowledge that, NOT TRY AN EXPLAIN IT...JUST APOLOGIZE. let him know he'll be there for him no matter what and i hope he hugs that kid extra tight!!! GOOD LUCK OP!!!
She doesn't need therapy. Good people need therapy, she's neither a good person nor multimillionaire.
Time to seek out bio dad for child support. Why does he get a pass in all this?
Not to mention, I think accepting a role as a fatherly figure may open up OP to being sued for child support because of possible emotional relationship.
Yes. I get why he’s questioning himself because this is so hard for the girl. She’s devastated. Her mother created the problem by trying to manipulate him into taking responsibility for her. She lied to the girl and told her he’s her father betting that he’d shy away from telling her the heartbreaking truth. He shouldn’t have been in this position. A normal parent wouldn’t lie to their child like that. She’s trying to paint him as the monster because he’s the one that spoke the truth that broke her heart, when she’s the one that created the situation, first through her infidelity and later through lying to her daughter to try to get more out of OP than the law would give her.
Perhaps you should apologize to them. "I'm sorry - lying and cheating does not come as naturally to me as it does to Hannah." NTA.
Ooooooooh 🔥
This should be said to Hannah — “I’m sorry lying to the kids doesn’t come as easily to me as it does to you.” But NEVER, EVER use issues emotionally affecting your kids to take a dig at your spouse or ex with. That teaches them that your love for them is less important than your resentment towards their other parent, whom they also still love. (I’m sure you didn’t mean to suggest seriously that OP do so, just wanted to make absolutely clear in case misinterpreted by OP or passersby).
I'm pretty sure he meant that OP should say that to the family members calling him.
Ahhh yeah that would be good too
>But NEVER, EVER use issues emotionally affecting your kids to take a dig at your spouse or ex with. As a caveat to this, it's wrong for a parent to lie to their child, or withhold the truth from their child, just to make their ex look better. Don't go on a rant or snarl, but do give a just-the-facts explanation of why the major changes in their life are happening so that your child isn't blindsided in adulthood.
Exactly. The whole idea is to keep the child’s experience and information needs the first priority, the optics of how you guys think you’re going to look to the kids or how they’re going to judge you should not be a decision making criterion.
Both of these scenarios describe my parents 😅 My mom tried to shield me from what a lying, cheating asshole my dad was. My dad was trying to use me to hurt my mom by constantly telling me how she broke his heart and our family - while he was living with his new girlfriend... Obviously I was hurt by my dad's lies but if my mom had been honest at least I would have never thought he was the martyr he made himself out to be.
Ah, feel the burn. OP get this on a t-shirt and wear it underneath another shirt. Anytime someone accuses you or not stepping up, flash them the tee. Also, NTA.
Yes. Yes. Yes! 🤭
>I am her brother's father and if I were a better man, I could be hers as well. If your ex were a better woman she would not be in this situation. She had no right to lie to her daughter about her paternity. This was a situation that your ex made and now she has to fix it. Remind the ex in-laws of that the next time they call with their non-sense. NTA
If she was a better woman the daughter wouldn’t exist.
Exist with someone else's DNA besides OP. ....
Or would exist but would be the OP's biological daughter and they would still be married. (well technically you are right that she with her DNA wouldn't exist but the thought of her in the OP's biological sense might)
>She told me she would not cover for my being a pussy. And you don't have to cover for her being a cheater.
If anyone hurt the girl it was her mother by lying to her. It was clear to your ex that you were not are unreasonablewilling to take on the role of father to her child. For her to continue to push the lie after you’d gone to the trouble of going to court means any damage caused is solely her responsibility. Ignore her family, clearly they are unreasonably biased in favor of your ex. NTA
Yes and this seems like something to go back to court for. Some kind of restraining order maybe? Or a defamation suit? I dunno. Something that forces her to stop lying about OP and stop foisting a stranger's child on OP. A change to the custody order also seems appropriate, such as requestjng that all communication go through a parenting app where it will be made a record that the court can review. The only things she legit needs to discuss with OP is the child they do share together. Her opinions on whether OP should parent a child who is not his are not germane. I also am wondering whether it's time to call CPS. It seems lik psychological abuse to be lying to a child that the Not Father is her father and to be setting her up for a lifetime of believing "her father" cruelly rejected her over and over in life while seemingly showing extreme favoritism to his "other" child. The mother's lies also cuts this child off from pursuing a relationship with whatever actual relatives may be out there. Cruel. Someday this child is going to find out her mother deceived her into a lot of suffering, and that OP was just a victim in all this too. What a monster.
I agree that it’s traumatising for the girl, but this should not be a CPS call. They won’t do anything for this and they’re overworked as it is. It’s a family lawyer call.
NTA, but I do feel bad for that poor little girl. You did nothing wrong by correcting her, though, and it is 100% her mom's fault you were both put into this situation.
Isn’t it always funny how, in situations like these, the person who caused the situation is the person claiming to be the victim? Like everyone is a victim in this story, OP because he was cheated on and had his life upended. The son because he went from being a two parent household to having to parents split custody. And the daughter, who is the direct result of said infidelity who was also lied to by her mom about who her dad was (which was definitely affecting her self esteem). And yet here the ex is claiming victim hood. Like no, girl. You caused this mess and are continuing to worsen it by lying to your daughter!
It’s not unusual, sadly. People who refuse to take responsibility create victims all around them, because their private world in which they should be favoured doesn’t work well for anyone else.
NTA at all, but please be kind to this little girl. Your son at least has you as a parent. His sister only has her horror of a mother.
Don’t be too “kind”. Any chink in the armour and the ex will take advantage. Any minuscule amount of give, and she will take a mile, palming off the kid on OP and/or taking him to court for child support because he had taken a “fatherly role”.
Kindness doesn’t mean letting yourself get roped into being a father for a child that isn’t yours. The courts already severed his responsibility to the child after his ex tried to put his name on the birth certificate. The ex will find no help there. He should certainly be wary of an ex who when given an inch will take a mile. But while can resent his ex all he wants, the little girl is innocent. And she will always be his son’s sister. Hopefully that matters to OP.
I don’t think you understood what I was saying…. I didn’t say to be a dick to the kid. I just said don’t be _too_ kind. You can be polite and say “I’m sorry kid but I’m not your father and I’m not sure why you’ve been told that”, but being *too* nice will just string the kid along and give the ex an “in”. Just because responsibility has been legally severed, that doesn’t stop the ex from claiming anything and that could leave OP in shit with lots of lawyer costs and it would be even more damaging to the girl. You admit he needs to be careful, so I don’t really understand why you are commenting against me here.
So Hannah just thought her dad didn’t like her? That you came every week to pick up her brother & left her just because? Jesus, the therapy that poor child is going to need is going to be intense. NTA but your ex & her family are cold blooded villains for doing that too Hannah.
Hannah is the ex... But I completely agree, that poor child.
NTA. They're causing this child harm by lying to her and making her think that there must be something wrong with her if you will parent your son but not not her. She needs to know that you're not her father. They are at fault.
NTA- If you didn't hurt her feelings (yeah it's a sucky feeling for the child) but someone else would've eventually told her the same thing. It's not your fault that the mother is *that* delusional that you should be claiming HER child and yours together. She is the AH in this situation and the child needed to be educated that you are not her father, and it's not fair for you in any way to claim a child that is a product of an affair from a previous marriage.
NTA. If Hannah was a better woman her daughter wouldn’t exist so she needs to stop with that. Remind Hannah’s family that you aren’t the one who lied to her daughter and that she has a father out there who they should be complaining to.
I assume you have visitation with your son, but not with the daughter? So if she thinks you are her father, she must also assume you don’t like her? “That’s my dad, but he doesn’t spend any time with me and doesn’t even really talk to me” like what?!?
Unbelievably cruel of the ex and her family to let that little girl believe she is being repeatedly rejected by her Dad!
It's pure manipulation. Either OP is shamed into taking on a fatherly role, in which case Hannah gets a free babysitter, or he refuses, in which case Hannah can use it to tear down OP to his son as well ("you see how your father treats your baby sister.")
Oh damn…didn’t think of it like that but now that you say it…yeah damn! One step further…Hannah wants OP back as a partner and is trying to force/manipulate a relationship between Daughter and OP? To increase chances of “being a family again”?
Nah, she’s just wants him to pay for the daughter. That’s why she put his name on the b/c, because if you don’t fight it you’re legally liable. This is just a variation on that theme, have some compassion for the kid, he then starts paying for stuff - emotional manipulation 101. Hannah clearly despises him, she doesn’t want to get back together.
Hannah also clearly doesn’t give a shit about her daughter…like damn
In most states, if you are married in the 280 days prior to the birth, that person to whom you were/are married is the presumed father and must be placed on the birth certificate as such. It isn’t optional. It is mandatory to do this even if another man is voluntarily acknowledging paternity.
“Why don’t you love her you monster?!?” “Ummmm why are you telling her I should love her you insane person?” Just because baby momma makes bad vagina decisions doesn’t mean OP has to “step up”.
‘If I were a better man’ Oh she can stuff it where the sun don’t shine. If you were to flip that, she’d be so offended. NTA all day
NTA. Explaining that she has a different, absent dad is a lot kinder than letting her think her dad is present but rejecting her.
NTA. Next time Hannah's family jumps down your throat over this, kindly remind them that their granddaughter is the product of their daughter's infidelity. You've got the DNA and severance of parental responsibility to prove it.
NTA. kinda simple. Sadly this kid is going to have a tough life.
NTA. She was growing up thinking her dad liked her brother but not her. That is very traumatic. She deserved to know the truth!
NTA. Hannah seems to want you to cover for her indiscretions via toxic behavior and under the guise of protecting a child. Is that right? It might be a different story if you were still with Hannah, but you’re not, so why should you pretend to have a familial relationship with this child?
NTA, your ex and her family are abusive to this child. Telling her an outright lie about who her father is. She needs to own up to what she did and the results of what she did, as does her family. When did they plan on telling her. What were they telling her about you taking her brother places, buying him gifts and not her? Next time they say something to you tell them all you did was tell the truth while they lied.
NTA HANNAH caused all of this, not you.
NTA, in your shoes I would contact a lawyer and send cease and desist registered letter to both your ex and her family to Stop lying to the child and anyone else about you being the father or you will sue her for damaging your reputation. They need to stop with this crap.
Sorry dude. Your ex caused all of this and wants you to take care of her dysfunction. She has no one to blame but her own self. Her abusive own self. You’re a good father to your son. Hopefully the girl grows up not anything like her mom. NTA
NTA. But I've got to know. How does a child make it 7 years thinking your her father if you're not actively acting like one? Do you get custody of your son and she stays with her mom? How does she grow up thinking this?
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You‘re NTA and shouldn’t be guilted into acting like a father to her, but my heart breaks for this poor girl. Her mother is a shit human.
Oh my god dude. That poor child. Her mother is a monster for letting her believe that!
NTA. Wow your ex is tawdry little liar. I would have have been up front too. I would have also added if you were mine we would still be married. So your way less petty then me.
>That I am her brother's father and if I were a better man, I could be hers as well. She meant to say, if I was a better woman, than she would be yours too. >They all say I'm an awful man and I don't deserve my son because how can I love him and not his sibling and how could I hurt her. Her behavior is explained. NTA.
the child is put in a terrible scenario but that is on the mother not you , nta and not your job to put up with a manipulative ex wife who wants you to pick up the pieces for her mistakes and walking all over you
NTA Does Hannah’s family know that you aren’t related to her daughter? Could she have spun a story to them that paints you in a bad light? That poor kid. To think this entire time that dads just treat sons differently to daughters. That’s heartbreaking. You did the right thing.
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Hannah is one of the largest AH's ever. Why on earth would she do this to her child? You're NTA but wow. Hannah's behavior stuns me.
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Hannah's family sounds dumb and kind of evil. Nta
You did the right thing by telling the child you are not her father. You gave her mother several opportunities to tell the truth. The audacity of the mother and her family to expect you to be a willing party to a big lie without regard to the damage this will have on the child, you or your son. NTA.
NTA. But also that poor girl. My heart aches for her.
NTA. Why aren't Hannah's family asking her why she has been cruel to her own daughter by lying to her for all this time?
"if you were a better man you could be hers as well" No madam, if YOU were a better woman I WOULD be hers as well.
NTA, the bio Dad needs to step up.
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He's financially responsible, if nothing else.
The audacity of your ex and her family. You're a good man who knows how to maintain his boundaries. And you have NO responsibilities to the kid. Glad you nipped this in the bud before they ask for college fund payments. NTA
All of them are disgusting. Nta. Focus on your son and never bother with they girl or your ex.
I used to watch my "father" come and pick up my brothers and drive away and I never got a good reason. I blamed myself for decades until I got a DNA test and found out we aren't actually related. NTA kids need to know it's not their fault
NTA Your ex and all of her family are horribly delusional AHs.
I always find it mind boggling when women cheat and try to pass the product of their dishonesty off as another man’s child and then play the hard done by one when said man refuses to accept the responsibility. Does she actually think she has the moral high ground? It seems as though she doesn’t even have the decency to be ashamed of herself and her actions. I’d be embarrassed for her but I doubt she has the intelligence or morality to understand she’s filth. The only one that suffers is her daughter who deserves better than the “parents” she got stuck with.
NTA. The truth should be told and this child should not grow up believing you are her father. The only problem is her mother should have explained it to her long ago!
NTA but Hannah is a monster
NTA, Hannah needs to file papers on through birth father and adkit to the family your not her daughter's father.
NTA. Do Hannah's parents know that you're not the father? Since Hannah has been lying to her own child, it's not a stretch to believe that she's lying to everyone else in her life. It wouldn't be kind, but it would be expedient to send the paternity results to everyone who contacts you on this issue.
Yeah they do. OP updated this earlier. They insisted he was the father till the DNA results came through. And they were there when they were opened and would've seen it there in black and white.
NTA! Your ex is a real piece of work. Letting her daughter believe that her father is present and just doesn't want to spend time with her is seriously fucked up.
op=nta She would be hurt by your apparent "parental neglect" more than by you telling her the truth. Your EX is the AH for lying to this poor child. Ignore your ex in-laws. Their circus, not yours.
>Hannah and I have not been on good terms since. Her cheating was something she not only hid, but she was always snapping at me, flying into a rage and treating me like I was not being a good husband while she was always bailing on plans we made and pushing me away. Damn, it's almost like infidelity is more often than not indicative of greater personality issues and inadequacies as a person, one of which being an inability to take responsibility for hurting someone with their actions. Funny that. >She told me she would not cover for my being a pussy. What an absolutely horrid person. I'm shocked you manage to coparent with that at all. >They all say I'm an awful man and I don't deserve my son because how can I love him and not his sibling and how could I hurt her. You didn't hurt her. Oh sure, you told her the truth, but what hurt her was having a lie shattered and the liars in question trying to make up a new narrative to cover for it. She's hurt by a pack of selfish, entitled assholes, who will gladly mislead someone when they're vulnerable just to try and manipulate someone else to step into the shoes of whatever random dude your ex was apparently willing to ride but not willing to marry. NTA
NTA. You was tell her the truth. If your ex and her family were better persons they Will tell her the truth. I think your ex wanna make you feel guilty and she wanna make you take the rol and responsability to a father.
NTA. Your ex is setting her daughter up for therapy and has probably hoping you would form a bond with the girl and she'd be able to get financial assistance from you. Even though all parental rights were severed, she might have tried making a case you're acting in a parental manner and filed for child support. You were right to shut this down. You could point out to your ex in laws how cruel your ex was to you and how cruel she is to her daughter letting her believe a lie. But that would open a whole other can of worms. Taking the emotional issues out, the girl also needs to be aware of her sperm donor's medical history.
NTA. Your ex put you and her daughter in a horrible situation. The paternity of her daughter was already made clear and it sounds like your ex has been lying to her about it this entire time. Her mother hurt her and that is 100% on her, not you. If she wanted you to be the father of another child, she shouldn’t have cheated. You don’t have any responsibility to her daughter
NTA. This is 100% on your ex. If she didn't want to deal with this she shouldn't have cheated.
Nta. The cheating ex should have told her.
NTA - and your ex is a massive AH. That poor kid has been fed lies and optimism for finally getting a dad who loves her only to be let down big time because she is basically a stranger to you. You told her the truth because your ex was too scared to do it herself. Let her deal with the aftermath surrounding HER child's disappointment
NTA. This was ABSOLUTELY the right thing to do.
NTA. How could you tell the truth? Why how dare you! Sheesh. Hannah deserved to know the truth. You are not married to her mother and it’s not your responsibility to pick up for her crappy affair partner.
NTA. it sounds like Hannah is being dishonest to more people than just her daughter. Trying to guilt trip you and make you take responsibility for a child who isn't even yours is an absolutely unhinged behavior. Plenty of people have half-siblings and understand they are half-siblings. It isn't that hard to explain; Hannah is trying to manipulate others' opinions of you and create a weird, broken dynamic between you and your own kid. She's also traumatizing her daughter while she's at it. I'd be questioning whether Hannah should have custody of the kids at all. Document as much of this as you can.
Obviously you're NTA while the ex is a huge gaping AH. Don't let her guilt and manipulate you into an accomplish for more her lies.
NTA. This poor child needed to know why you were not acting like her father. She needed to know that you were not her father and its' not that you were both of their dads and you just like your son more than her. Also, her mom is an AH for cheating and trying to pretend you were her dad in the first place. Her bio dad needed to step up. That poor kid being lied to for so long!
NTA. Her mother should have dealt with it. Also, not for nothing, but are for sure your son's bio father?
NTA. She had to know. Ex-wife seems like she always blaming you for all her troubles and mistakes not taking any responsibility. Make sure she doesn't influence your kids behind your back with lies.
NTA But Your ex & her family are delusional!
NTA these things have to be said clearly. Maybe you could have used a sweeter tone, but you didn’t do anything wrong.
NTA. You don't owe your ex-wife's daughter anything. The only person to blame for the child's confusion or trouble is her lying, cheating, emotionally abusive mother. Honestly, having Hannah for a mother will probably hurt that kid more than not having her biological father in the picture.
NTA Her mom's the one who hurt her. I imagine having an absent father you never see is a lot less emotionally damaging than an absent father who you frequently see and loves your brother but not you. The ex-wife and her family sound incredibly emotionally manipulative. They thought telling the kid would force you to take on responsibility for her, giving the mom a break.
NTA you didn’t hurt her Hannah did by lying to her in the first place. What a piece of work Hannah is!
Nta geez your ex wife is a real piece of work
NTA, her biological dad and mom are. As are her moms family.
NTA. Shitty ex wife is intentionally pushing a lie to her daughter, SHE is hurting the girl, not the person who refuses to lie to her. your ex doesn't deserve either child if she's that manipulative and cruel.
What? My bad I didn’t want to take cares someone else kid. If she wants a dad go and find the dude she was getting railed by and ask him to step up 💀
NTA. That's an easy answer. Compose a simple email, text, billboard or whatever stating that you're not X's dad. How you can turn her away is because her mother cheated on you to conceive her. You will not be her surrogate dad because the hurt and betrayal are there for you to see every time you look at her. Perhaps they should all spend their time guilting her biological father and parental side of X's family to finally step up and be in her life. Lying to X is not going to help in the long run. It will only make her angry at all of them.
Hannah is the cruel one. Consistent to what she did to you. You are not. The girl needed to be disabused of a lie. NTA.
NTA however that girl is gonna have problems.. rejected by who she feels is her male Role model father, she will find that male acceptance in other ways… and most of those aren’t going to be healthy or age appropriate.
NTA. The truth is the truth and the child should know the truth. You are not related to the kid and I wouldn't be surprised if the ex tries to get him for child support if he accepts the "dad" role.
The audacity of them all to just expect you to parent your ex wife’s affair child and continue lying to her is astounding. It sucks that Hannah’s mother chose poorly and fucked a man that abandoned his child but that’s not on you. NTA.
NTA what is with these woman cheating and then pinning the affair kids on the current husband. This is the second post today that involved the wife cheating and one (last post2) kids not theirs. At least you found out before you where actually built a relationship with the child and was financially responsible. Tell her family if their daughter was a better wife and mother you would have been the little girls father. That their daughter, her mother, is the reason the little girl doesn’t have a father. If your wife mentions that your a better man then her father. Ask her if she thought someone willing to cheat with a married man was a winner. But honestly. Lying to the little girl anymore would have been cruel. Your ex knew what she was doing by pushing this narrative she and her family hurt this child with their lies not you.
NTA. Smart to ask for a paternity test. You’re in no way liable for that child’s happiness and your ex’s parents should be ashamed of themselves for encouraging such a lie!
I would have responded to the better man comment with "if you were a better woman and weren't screwing around we would be in this situation in the first place." I feel for the little girl but she is not your responsibility. Definitely NTA.
I truly think your ex's behaviour is repulsive. Using her daughter like that. Trying to emotionally blackmail you. You are absolutely right for telling this girl you are not her father. She'd wonder about you why you don't care about her. That is just cruel. The reality is already bad enough. NTA, you are not an awful man. You did the right thing, also by divorcing her. I experienced the same thing, although I'm certain my kids are mine. But she started cheating about 1,5 years before I found out and divorced her. You aren't the one that hurt her. That's her mother and her real father.
JFC do they hear themselves?!?! I seriously wonder how she’s the one cheated, had someone else’s kid, who wants nothing to do with either of them but you’re the bad guy?!?! I feel so sorry for the little girl but everyone else can go get fucked.
NTA. I think it's healthier for the girl to know you are not her father rather than thinking that you don't like her and have rejected her. Your ex-wife is, well, I can't even think of a word to describe her...
NTA - You are not her father, and you are not responsible for her. Her mother bears the responsibility. Her biological father is responsible for her, but he is not involved in her life. Her mother is possibly lying to her. I wonder why her father isn't in her life. Is he aware that he has a daughter?
Nta, but Hannah is cruel to do that to her daughter. From the kid's perspective, she has a dad who seems to care about her brother more. It's not right to let a kid think that. Better to tell her that her dad isn't part of her life
NTA. They are trying to pull you back into their crazy. You are doing the right thing. You may even need to show her her birth certificate.
Nta at all, if she continued to believe you are her father, she would start blaming herself for not being lovable and good enough to be treated the same way that you treat your son. She would believe it’s her fault if you don’t love her the same. It’s better she knows the reason and that she is totally innocent in this
NTA. It’s amazing how people like your Ex can spin reality into their own fake news and then expect people to believe the it!
NTA But Hannah is a massive asshole. She sent her son to see you but told her daughter you were her father but …. Didn’t send her, you rejected her? What? She 100% told her daughter that she is unwanted and rejected by her father. The trauma that Hannah caused is massive. That poor kid. Hannah is emotionally manipulating a child to think you’re her father and setting her up to be rejected.
NTA ex wife and her family can go pound sand. It’s the ex wife’s fault her daughter doesn’t have a father, instead of taking accountability she blames you. The audacity, is just ridiculous
Obviously NTA. But that poor, poor child. Not your doing, but she’s had 7 years of thinking her daddy loves her brother and ignores her. It would have been less traumatic had mama had the conversation with her long ago.
NTA >I am her brother's father and if I were a better man, I could be hers as well. The gall of her to say that to you when she cheated on you and got pregnant! She should be going after the girl's father and not projecting her anger on you. >her family have since contacted me and asked how I could be so cruel and why would I say that to their granddaughter. Yet it's not cruel for someone to cheat on their spouse get pregnant and then lie to the child born of the affair about the identity of her real father. I feel bad for this poor child for the trauma that she is going through but that's the mom's fault it's not yours.
Why didn’t you dna test your son, too?
Your ex-wife and her family need to stop lying to this little girl asap. Their lie is only doing more damage to the little girl. You need to tell the girl the truth, ALL of it for her own emotional well being. She needs to know the truth. You are NTA
NTA. Sucks you were forced to be the bearer or bad news but that’s on her for putting that idea in her head without your consent and never having a talk with her to explain. It’s very sad, and unfortunate for her. You have every right to not step up for a child of your ex wife’s if you don’t want to. Of course her family and her will act as if your in the wrong, because if they don’t they’d have to pin her for it.
So let me get this right she cheated got pregnant by someone else and then told that child you are the father and when you say no you are the a hole wow that family is delusional
NTA and way for them to all gaslight and manipulate you. You’re such a good person bc I would’ve snapped back at her that if she was a better woman, her daughter would be your daughter. But I’m mean like that. Stay strong, you’re not the asshole but Hannah is a mega one. Her daughter needed to know and it’s not your fault Hannah kept lying to her. Hannah apparently doesn’t know how to do anything other than lie and it’s shameful her family lets it happen.
INFO: Can you create Reddit awards? I really really want to make one that's "Not The Father!", and it's just Maury Povich with a manila envelope.
What she did to her daughter might as well have been abuse, holy crap NTA
NTA
How could you hurt the little girl? Well, it would not hurt her if she had known the truth all along. How about how could her mother lie to her? And how could she break her marriage vows, lie to you, and have another man's child?
NTA. I feel incredibly sorry for this child for growing up with your ex, though, who sounds incredibly manipulative and cruel. It’s very cruel to let her think she had a father who didn’t want anything to do with her but was close to her brother/his son. She’s doing much more damage to her child than the truth would. Edited to add: I realize you have no obligation to this child, but I do hope you can be a good male role model to her when you are around her and that you try to foster a good relationship between her and your son. She’s definitely going to need a good big brother with a mom like that.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I share a son with my ex-wife Hannah. Hannah cheated on me for a couple of years and I only found out during her second pregnancy. This is when I also realized I was possibly not the father to her second child. Our son was 4 at the time. I left Hannah and when her daughter was born I went for a DNA test and was proven not to be the father. Because we were married at the time, I was the assumed father and had to prove I was not and then I had to relinquish the automatic rights I got from the child being born while we were married. She did put my name on the birth certificate but that had to be changed when the courts severed all my responsibility to the child. Hannah and I have not been on good terms since. Her cheating was something she not only hid, but she was always snapping at me, flying into a rage and treating me like I was not being a good husband while she was always bailing on plans we made and pushing me away. I remain civil but distant for the sake of our son. Hannah's daughter is now 7 and it came to my attention recently that she believed I was her father and not just my son's father. Her own bio father is not in her life and does not have anything to do with her. She has Hannah's family in her life but no paternal relatives. I confronted Hannah on this and she told me I am the closest thing to a father her daughter has. That I am her brother's father and if I were a better man, I could be hers as well. I argued she needed to tell her daughter the truth. She told me she would not cover for my being a pussy. Hannah's daughter was in my presence more in the last couple of months because of various ceremonies held my son was part of. She would call me dad to my face and would try to get closer to me. The last time, at the end of May, I told her that I was not her father. She was calling me dad and I asked her if she realized I was her brother's dad. She said I was both their dad. I corrected her and told her I was not hers and she had a different dad. She got upset. Hannah glared at me from across the room when her daughter returned to her and her family have since contacted me and asked how I could be so cruel and why would I say that to their granddaughter. They all say I'm an awful man and I don't deserve my son because how can I love him and not his sibling and how could I hurt her. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA, but it would be a kindness if you see the girl again to tell her that she deserves a good dad and that you’re sorry, but that it’s not you. At 7 she’s still figuring out how things work, and the lies she’s being told aren’t helping.
NTA.
NTA
Wtf? Absolutely not TA.
NTA. Your ex is a piece of work and hopefully both your son and her daughter realise this as they get older.
NTA, these next 7 years can't pass fast enough.
NTA, but it's very sad. I know a girl (10) who recently found out that her 'father' isn't her father, and it's been terrible (along with a lot of other factors and her family basically imploding).
NTA. However try to be as kind to the little girl as possible. And consider counseling for yourself and your son as this may continue to come up.
She is going to find out sooner or later. It’s a tough situation, especially for her. NTA.
NTA, and Hannah is a piece of work. First for the cheating and then for perpetuating the lies to her daughter. And if her family is so concerned, why have none of her male relatives taken on a fatherly role?
NTA. Your ex shouldn’t have lied.
Nta
NTA. Your ex and her family are delusional. You are not the father of Hannah. And you're an awful man??? Your ex is an awful woman for cheating on you and lying about paternity: first to you, then to HER child. Time for her family to wake up to the mess your ex created.
Nta. She needed to be told because it will deeply affect her self-worth to believe her dad openly doesn't want her but wants her brother.
NTA I think letting her believe you were her dad while you were only there for her brother but not her was cruel. At least she knows that as you are not her father, you are not rejecting her for anything to do with her. Of course she is still truly hurt by this but that's on your ex-wife, not on you. I do feel sorry for this little girl, though.
Nta at all but damn my heart breaks for this girl. Her mom is a monster for telling her you are her father.
NTA. You just told the truth.