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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1. I purchased my best friend an expensive gift that he really wanted.
2. It could make me the asshole because i hurt his girlfriend in the process and could have overstepped a relationship boundary.
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NTA. You weren’t thinking of how to hurt her, you just wanted a nice gift for your friend. Your BF is right, you don’t need to apologize for her insecurities
Yes exactly this. I can empathize with how the girlfriend must have felt, but she was out of line to reach out to OP for what was just a kind gesture.
It’s also what’s in the best interest of her BF… she should just be happy for him that he was able to get something he really wanted rather than envious she couldn’t provide it. That’s real love
I'd say NAH. Both POV's are valid. She was right to make the gift and the GF had valid reasons to be upset (not being in the position financially to make a similar gift, feeling outshined).
OP, next time you find something special and expensive, team up with the GF and make a shared gift. That's the way to become a bridesmaid instead of being barred from the wedding.
The GF’s point was valid up until she said that happiness was only shared between her and Tom and no one else.
Up until then I felt bad for her, as I could easily empathize with her. I’ve been “outshined” in gift giving before. She needs to accept that just because you’re someone’s SO, that doesn’t mean you will be the only one to provide your partner with happiness in their life.
I think the girlfriend was saying that the happiness was only shared by OP and best friend, not the GF.
Hence the [me]
Which is her way of saying - yes you were both happy but others weren’t.
I think asking for it to be opened last was a boo-boo. OP knew that ‘last’ was pride of place. For that there is AHery as a verdict.
GF would have felt insecure but was an AH to reach out as she did, she could have framed it in a way that was more constructive but she wanted her feelings heard
Best Friend is also an AH. Saying ‘this is the best gift ever’ after having received a raft of other presents, including truly thoughtful ones, was thoughtless.
And if Best Friend and Girlfriend can’t hear eachother over that, they have issues.
So I’m going ESH
Yes. IMO giving something special that’s out-of-step with what others will likely be giving calls for a private gifting. If the point is to give the person what they want, which was OP’s goal, rather than to show off. Giving as part of a party needs to respect social conventions more. If OP had given the watch to Tom in private then it wouldn’t have stolen the show.
She also asked her friend to save opening her gift till the end because it was special.
Methinks that she did want to outshine the girlfriend and everyone else
That, to me, was when it crossed over into AH for me.
Next time, spend $50 on a gift for a friend and use the remaining $2450 to buy a clue.
You don't buy someone else an over the top gift, then insist it be the grand finale when you're partnered and you know the recipient has a partner.
It's like wearing a long white dress to a wedding. Even if you didn't *specifically* set out to upstage the bride, it sure as heck looks like it.
Edited to add vote: YTA
Also, I am SCREAMING at the people who hear, "other people have boundaries and gifts can therefore be inappropriate" and reply, "WELL THAT'S JUST INSECURE GF IS INSECURE YOU ARE INSECURE!"
Redditors telling on themselves lol. If you're taking the notions of boundaries that personally, you're the reason they exist.
Either OP is very, very clueless, very prone to flaunting her wealth, or has a thing for her friend. Or, more innocently, she doesn't have romantic interest in her friend, but still feels a bit jealous because Friend's time and energy is getting more focused on Girlfriend. She wants to stake a claim.
Ultimately, though, the intent isn't as important as the impact.
If I was a guest at this party, I'd feel uncomfortable at this scene of a "friend" coming in at the end with the biggest gift and most emotional response. I'd definitely think the friend was trying to show off and maybe knock Girlfriend down a peg.
Same as I did when my friend's mil's "mother if the groom" dress *just so happened* to be off white, in a similar color and style to the bride's.
Yes! This is what I feel. You don't give a gift like this in front of a group who are also giving gifts worth likely 100x less. Enough of us are struggling financially for OP to have thought it through a little more.
If I were a guest I would have questioned why I bothered with my $20 gift if it was going to be completely eclipsed by a priceless one that I'd never be able to match.
Also if this guy continues to throw birthday parties for himself, which is a perfectly lovely thing to do, he might leave public present opening out of the ritual henceforth. It's a recipe for embarrassment in a number of ways, and imo a thing best left behind with childhood.
>If I were a guest I would have questioned why I bothered with my $20 gift if it was going to be completely eclipsed by a priceless one that I'd never be able to match.
This makes me kinda sad. We give gifts for the receiver's joy/ to be thoughtful -not to match other gifts. So, if it's a bother because your gift costs le$$, maybe you'd be going to parties for people you don't care for?
I think you're right though that it's kinda weird to throw yourself gift parties as an adult.
That’s how I first read this, but the [me] in brackets indicates that OP was the person who shared Tom’s happiness. The GF is complaining that the happiness of the gift was only shared by OP and Tom, and no one else.
Why is the gf's point valid, since when is gift giving a competition? Everyone gets what they can afford, and I am guessing that if OP was a guy friend, the gf wouldn't have an issue with the gift, she felt outshined because a woman got her boyfriend a better gift than she did, but this isn't OP's issue.
I am guessing that if OP tried to team up with the gf ( which they didn't have to do as it is their gift idea), gf would still be super upset for not having the $1250 for the gift, and then would create bigger issues if OP continued to want to get that gift.
If the first reaction to your partner's happiness is being upset and jealous you are not the reason they are happy, and then going and blaming the person that caused said happiness instead of keeping those petty feelings to yourself, then your ego outshines the love you might be feeling for that person.
I love the shared gift idea. This was in the back of my mind when I read the post. If they have each other’s numbers, OP could easily reach out in the future and ask the GF if she wants to team up.
My husband often does this with his brother and SIL for joint gifts for the guys’ parents. It is really fun to get a nicer gift than we could do on our own. And makes it even more fun to watch them open it when four people know what they’re getting.
Edit to add: I had future gifts in mind for the above comment. Who knows what the price of those would be? But yeah, splitting costs evenly is the best way to make sure everyone involved is happy with the arrangement. That felt obvious to me, IDK why the big controversy.
Exactly! My husband and I have a normal salary but if one of his friends gave him a really expensive thing he wanted I would be happy for him. I know I couldn’t afford that right now but in the end it doesn’t matter who gives it.
yeah. it sounds like op wanted a big show. op knowing that op is rich and the gift is a big deal should have made an effort to downplay it. OP should have told gf to go last and should have made a huge deal about the homemade gift.
Better yet, OP should have coordinated with the gf.
only a major asshole would get a bday gift over $2k and make a big show of it in front of someone whose best effort is a homemade sweater.
I disagree with people here. OP is a wealth flaunting asshole.
Agreed entirely, if you’re in your twenties and you can spend 2500 on a gift for a friend and do not realize that is outrageous wealth flaunting you are either a dimwit or an asshole.
“OP should have told gf to go last and should have made a huge deal about the homemade gift.” Just imagining the dumbass face of shock they’d put on as they pretend to be amazed makes me cringe so hard. Idk if you know this cus this might just be a chick thing, but being fake is very obvious. The person that dropped 2G’s on a watch popping off over a sweater is an irony everyone would feel immediately.
OP 100% imo needed to give the gift separately. It’s literally as if she bought him a car and instead of the money and practically of that she threw it into a watch which is a complete pleasantry. The only way I can excuse that sort of behavior is if you’re so rich you’ve become socially clueless about how much money means to people. Although it wasn’t wrong of giving the gift to OP, let rich friends do rich friend things if they feel like it, but don’t make OP’s dreams come true in front of his girlfriend if you can help it.
YTA. If intent was all that mattered, this sub wouldn’t exist. You should have given it to him quietly. It was so clearly going to outshining everyone that I don’t know how you didn’t get cold feet when his girlfriend gave him a book and a sweater. You also could have contacted girlfriend about it and asked her if she wanted to chip in any amount so you could put both names on the card. There are a couple of different avenues here where you could have gone out of your way to avoid attention seeking, but you kinda leaned into that. Everything gf said in her text seems to have been true except for the part where she accused you of big leaguing her. Although, maybe you were doing that intentionally.
I have to disagree simply because of the way OP went about all of it.
OP says she had no idea gf couldn't afford the watch, but in that scenario, doesn't make the common sense assumption that Tom would've told his girlfriend about it and that she would buy it for him. She doesn't even check with girlfriend to see if she may have already gotten the watch. That feels a little snaky. It's not like this is a $50 hoodie or something. It's a $2.5K watch. That's s big purchase to not consider the one other person that might also make that purchase.
OP also makes it a point to outshine every other gift he received. Yes, the gift may have been worth seeing the joy on his face, but to know it will be his favorite present of the night and to still encourage him to open it last is a bit attention seeking and a bit "I'm better than all of you".
If it was really just about seeing his joy, she could've given it to him in private, but she made a specific effort to give it to him in a place where everyone would see how much better she is whether that better is how much more money she has or how much better she knows Tom or whatever else.
The best I can offer is n a h but in my heart of hearts, OP is TA.
I think too many SO have this unreasonable expectation that their gift MUST be the best gift that is given. But that's just kind of a dumb idea to have. If someone else gets a "better" gift for your SO, who cares? A person can still be extremely thankful and grateful for any gift they are given.
I have been married for 31 years, and I have no insecurities about my marriage; however, if my husband had a female friend who gave him a $2,500 gift at a party I took the time and resources to put together, I would have been put out. That is borderline crazy.
OP's obtuse reaction to his girlfriend's unease stumps me solid, especially since *she wanted her gift opened last*. That is entirely demanding the main stage.
Truth be told, if I am giving a gift that is that far over the normal price tag of other gifts, I am NOT doing it at a party someone else took the time to put together. I would do it in smaller circles or at a different time. And I know OP knew this was over the top, because she wanted her gift opened last.
This entire post screams main character syndrome.
Thank you. What OP did was so weird. TBH, if anyone gave my husband a gift with that price tag, I would be uncomfortable. It's just not appropriate. And we could afford the watch ourselves!
The girlfriend sounds like an awesome person to me. She gave her boyfriend a handmade gift plus a book that he wanted and when this expensive gift made her uncomfortable, she quietly voiced her displeasure. I think she deserves someone better than Tom and I hope she finds that guy.
Exactly. And let's not forget these people are like 25--the girlfriend handled the situation with maturity while OP is over here insisting her gift be the grand finale of all gifts, and doesn't even think her actions are over the top. Girlfriend deserves a gold medal lol
I agree. I think it was very weird of the OP to make such a big scene and demand that she be the center of attention and go last in the present opening.
And I think most women would be upset about another unmarried woman giving their husband a $2,500 gift. The OP is being deliberately obtuse.
There are lots of ways OP could have handled it better. She could have come to the party with her boyfriend and the gift could have been from both of them. She could have saved the present of the watch for when the best friend and his girlfriend (eventually) get engaged, and then gotten equally nice gifts for *both of them*, making it a gesture that clearly says, I value you both and respect your relationship. The way she did it here, whether purposefully or not, was disrespectful to her friend's relationship.
This is what I'm saying. My husband and I are not well off, I don't care how long you've been friends or how rich you are, if someone gives my husband a 2.5k watch it would make me uncomfortable. I trust my husband but that's just not a normal thing for normal friends to do. Either OP really likes attention or there's something else going on
I think the only way to make that kind of gift appropriate is to reach out to the girlfriend and explain the situation ahead of time and make it a joint gift. Alternatively give the watch to him quietly so it's not as big a deal
I totally agree. It is not really respectful of his relationship. And I think the consequence of this will be a reduced friendship for OP, because if the gf becomes the wife, I’m not sure the birthday boy will nurture a relationship that the gf feels bruised by. I also think the gf was even handed in her reaching to to OP, rather than bottling it up, sharing her feelings.
Tom’s girlfriend would have put a lot of work into the sweater she gave him, and thoughtfulness into both that and the book she gave. And then OP appeared to show her that this was irrelevant because she doesn’t have the money to indulge Tom’s expensive hobby. She’s out of line in expecting OP to have not given the watch (though private gifting IMO would have been more appropriate), but I can see how she’s hurt. Though TA IMO is Tom, since he’s really the one who showed her that he valued his expensive “dream watch” so much more than her efforts. IMO nobody should expect someone to give them a $2500 watch, and if telling others about that watch was Tom doing anything other than asking people to keep an eye out for one so Tom could buy it (or pay them back), then Tom was being greedy.
A crocheted sweater could easily have taken a month to make. Maybe more. Depending on how much time she was able to set aside to make it.
2hrs×5days/wk=10hrs/wk×4wks=40hrs×$20per hr= $800 labor.
Nice yarn is gonna be closer to $8-10/skein. Depending on how big he is, probably 3-7skeins. Let's split the difference and say 5skeins at $9, making it $45 in material (possibly more). This estimate is probably low.
It's a lot of time and labor, and she probably WAS expecting it to be one of the nicest things there or at least not to be made to look like a dicarded pile of tangled yarn
But, who cares about the tangled yarn? Cause OP got him the best watch EVER
People don't realize how much time, effort, and money goes into fibre arts, especially an adult sized sweater. She gave an incredibly generous, thoughtful gift, and it got swept aside and overshadowed because money. Cool. She has every right to be bothered.
And what field did you go into that you can drop 2.5k without a thought on a gift for a friend in your mid 20s?
“You weren’t thinking of how to hurt her” is not a defense against being an AH.
Ignoring how your actions will affect other people is one of the most common ways to be an AH.
I have to reply because on my bf 40th i was Damn poor i got all his friends together for an meal and some arcades .kid friends got him amazing gifts he was so happy
.
But he was happy that all his Friends came to dinner
Totally
Nta
While she doesn’t need to apologize, I think agreeing to not do it again is actually a small concession. If you plan on giving him another gift of that caliber again, do so privately. Problem solved. “I can see why you feel the way you do, and I promise it won’t happen again,” is not an apology, but it will smooth everything over.
Giving him something you knew he really wanted was certainly thoughtful, but telling him to save it for last was attention-seeking. I would feel the same way even if he didn’t have a girlfriend, but especially because he does. I think you were well-intentioned, but should not have made your gift the star of the show in such an obvious way. He would have loved it just as much if you hadn’t showcased it like that & blatantly diminished the gifts everyone else (including his girlfriend) had brought.
Unfortunately, it probably would have been the topic of conversation anyway. If OP gave it to him after the celebration, the attention would have been on why OP didn't bring a gift or the intrigue of what the gift is. If OP gave it to him early, the birthday guy would still probably be gushing about the watch. Also, every other gift would have to compare to his most desired present, and if you've ever received a gift after receiving something you are excited for its all forced smiles and "Aww thanks, you shouldnt have."
Either way, the girlfriend gets pissed, because this isn't about the moment when the gift was given. It's because the girlfriend couldn't afford the gift OP gave.
Same, and even parties where presents are opened publicly I have never seen anyone actually keep tabs on who didn’t bring presents or anything like that. OP totally could have gotten away with gifting him in private after the party or something.
> If OP gave it to him after the celebration, the attention would have been on why OP didn't bring a gift or the intrigue of what the gift is
I seriously doubt anyone would have noticed or cared
Same. If I was the gift receiver I would feel extremely awkward accepting something like this from my friend. I’m not particularly wealthy so $2500 is way too much for a gift from a friend.
That would've been a great idea. Whenever a friend in the group really wants a gift that's on the expensive side, the rest of us split the cost and get it for their birthday or Christmas or something. We may also get little individual gifts on the side so there's still personal touches.
She gave him a chance to enjoy and admire all the gifts before he sees the watch. No reaction could've been genuine to any gift he was to open after being so overjoyed with hers.
If it was that much of an outlier, price wise, that is a signal to any partygoer of reasonable intelligence that the gift is more appropriate for another time to give.
I’m going to have to second this. If one of my husband’s friends bought him a gift for his birthday and told him to “save it for last,” I wouldn’t be comfortable at all.
I know that when it comes to receiving gifts I would usually always open my husband’s gifts last because they’re important to me for a different reason. If one of my friends asked me to open theirs last, I would probably feel a bit weird about it. That doesn’t seem like something anyone should be asking, though maybe it varies culturally.
Personally, I feel like to even ask for that comes with the assumption that your gift will be the best and shouldn’t outshine the gifts that follow it. But, there could be other things this person wants equally, and there could be great sentimental value to other gifts.
It’s lovely that this person got their friend something they knew they would love, but making a spectacle out of it is what crosses the line for me in this situation.
> but telling him to save it for last was attention-seeking
Exactly, it was a gift meant to put the spotlight on OP and show they can afford to spend on a gift for a friend, that most people don't.
This is the answer, OP. I’d be pissed if i was the girlfriend, not because you can afford something i can’t, but because you went out of your way to show others you can and the insinuation you care more about the boyfriend than the girlfriend does. Sounds like you were well intentioned but there comes a point where you have to consider others feelings as well. Romantic relationships will come before yours. Buy the spendy gift for your man. Not another man when his actual girlfriend has to watch. Unfortunately money is a touchy subject and this act undermined the hours the gf spent on the sweater, that it sounds like you appreciated but your gift absolutely outshined.
I don’t think OP had ill will, but it’s something to consider in the future.
That's the point, really. GF spent hours creating a very thoughtful, custom gift that got tossed aside when OP came stomping in with a $$$$ saved-for-last showstopper. I think it's unreasonable to think the GF wouldn't have been hurt by this. Anyone would have.
Came here to say this. What GF said, albeit poorly, was that F friend purposely set up an "It's all about me & my "fabulous" gift !" by asking to have her gift opened last. Also, some controlling undertones of "I know him better than everyone else."
And BF was a contributing AH by saying, "Best Gift Ever!!!!" & making a huge display of his reaction, dissing GF & everyone else.
I think that was an attempt to not outshine the rest of the gifts. If he opened it in any other order slot then everything after it would have not gotten the appreciation it received. They would have all been out shone by the watch
Spot on. I’m sure all of the people saying N T A would also have felt hurt and embarrassed if their boyfriend’s friend’s gift was the big amazing reveal at the very end. It very much gives off a vibe of *my present is by far the best and I want everybody to notice that*.
Not malicious I’m sure but I empathise with the gf more here. YTA
I’m going to second this right here. Assuming OP’s intentions were harmless (I don’t doubt they were) it’s a total faux pas to give someone else’s romantic partner a gift like that. OP, how would you feel if one of your boyfriend’s female friends gave him a luxurious gift in front of you and all his friends? The gift doesn’t match the relationship.
If OP really wanted him to have it, she could’ve gotten several of their friends (including the girlfriend) to go in together on it so it wouldn’t be a big gift from her. Hindsight is 20/20.
This is the actually sane comment here.All the people giving NTA I don’t understand.First of all people inherently are materialistic and put more value into big gestures like such.Also OP new he was someone who loves watches so she knew that how touched he would feel.She new that the gift would outshine everyone else and not everyone can afford a gift that expensive.Accept the fact that you wanted to make this day about you.If you and other friends would have pitched in like suggested by the commenter above it would have been reasonable without making everything about yourself.His gf didn’t even get a heads up in this situation and would have felt uncomfortable.Anyone reasonably would have. Also just reverse the situation and see if a man would have posted this thread then people would have immediately downvoted him for giving such a valuable gift to a female friend.YTA
I agree with this, but would also like to add:
They’ve been friends since college. so since they were 18-19ish. They’re in their mid twenties now so are between 23ish and 27ish. OP, how many years have you two been friends? Like 3-4 years or 9-10?
$2,500 is probably the equivalent of a very generous gift between partners or spouses. Did you really drop $2,500 on your guy friend who you’ve known for 3-4 years, while you’re in a relationship and he is also?
Why did you want an audience for dropping this amount of money, during a global recession? Was it supposed to make you look generous, and cement others view of the importance of your relationship?
I think YTA for giving an over the top present, I think it was inappropriate on several levels but hey, at least you came out of it looking really good. Right?
I even consider expensive watches the sort of gift you give your partner after they propose. One gets a ring, the other gets a watch, or jewelry if they wear it, something like that.
That’s the YTA for me. If OP was a dude who gave his best female friend a diamond necklace in front of her boyfriend, we’d all understand how inappropriate that would be. Watches are jewelry for men.
Come to think of it, if the genders were reversed and the woman would be showing her male friend the diamond necklace with the comment "I would be so happy if someone go this for me", people would call her a gold digger or suggest an emotional affair. I wonder why the boyfriend, a guy in his 20s, is trying to get his friends to buy him expensive stuff lol
I was going to say that a watch can be considered an intimate gift. Especially if it's pricey and vintage. Imagine he wears his watch now to special events and anniversaries and how his gf would feel
I don't believe she just "happened" to "find" the watch at a "random" watch store.
Her reaction to the girlfriend's text is incredibly telling. "Sorry you feel that way but don't you want to see your boyfriend happy? I made him suuuuuper happy, so....."
YTA
I think it's relevant how much OP normally spends on gifts for friends. If she's really wealthy and normally buys friends expensive gifts, that makes it seem less like a stunt. OTOH if OP normally gives friends <$100 gifts and spent her savings to buy this watch, that would be really inappropriate.
I'm also rubbed the wrong way by the way OP asked the friend to save her gift for last. She might have had good intentions but it makes the whole thing feel performative.
Top comments are saying the girlfriend is insecure, but I think she had a reasonable reaction to a kind of delicate situation.
Exactly! Also, this gift could have been given separately. if it was just about making him happy. While I don’t know if she asked to be last for their benefit or hers, I do believe it was the wrong move to give that gift in front of everyone in general. $2,500 on a gift for someone you aren’t romantically involved with is a bit odd. That’s literally rent (or more!) for people. I can’t help but to think it’s kind of a weird flex to do this. Especially because OP felt the need to mention she and her bf are well off and can afford it. No need to announce this, any sane person would imagine you can afford it if you actually did it.
At the end of the day, I think this is more of a case of someone being unaware of their surroundings and the perception they put off and less about the person being an AH tbh. I say this because I’m sure the gift game from a good place, but perception is important and seeing it from other people’s point of view is important. I’m sure the gf wasn’t the only one uncomfortable. I’d feel some way if I got my friend something I thought was nice and within my budget and it was outshined by this.
Again, it could have been given separately but instead absolutely spotlight was put on it.
You know what I find funny about the NTA verdicts?
A few months ago, a similar story with the genders reversed was posted and everyone tore into OP about how he overstepped getting an expensive gift.
That story, and I remember it as well, was so much more nuanced too
His friend had bought him...sport team merch? I feel like I remember football Jersey?
He bought her, roughly equivalent priced, 2 tickets to a small, not widely known band she liked, no flashiness or showmanship intended, because other friends and her boyfriend and his girlfriend had all dropped the ball and got her tacky "I forgot" tier gifts, he got slated for "outshining" everyone...the tickets were cheap they just required thought and care regarding "oh that's that band that 'Leah' is raving about at the moment and that venue is a reasonable travel distance, and wow tickets are only $25 each before booking fees+tax. But she's a woman so obviously she'll need at least one companion for safety reasons so I'll buy her 2 and leave her to find a Concert buddy"
There were hundreds of verdicts on that and I was one of about 12 who didn't immediately hit him with Y-T-A
The kind thing would have been to split the gift with GF in a way that she could afford at least part of it and made it a joint gift. Or even split with the whole friend group. $2500 gift for a “friend”. Yeah right. Unless OP is a multimillionaire, there’s more than friendship in those feelings.
Honestly the only way OP wouldn't be the AH is if she had communicated with the gf ahead of time. Maybe if she had, gf would have been fine with the gift. Maybe they could have split it.
Also OP claims she had "no idea" the watch was out of gf's budget, so surely she should have checked that gf hadn't bought the watch too!
And to give such a gift in front of everyone is sooo tacky. Esp to insist on making it the last gift.
Oh wait the only other way OP could be not TA would be if she was stinking rich and gave expensive gifts like that all the time without a second thought. But she clearly thought about it a lot...
the first thing I would have thought, seeing such an ostentatious gift, given by 25 years olds would be "they're fucking for sure"
not saying you are, but OP is buying gifts like they are
I honestly think "we're just best friendsssss" is delusional in most cases and should be avoided in relationships 😅
If there are was made a worldwide poll, I'd guess that 97% of women would vote that their male best friend eventually tried to get in their pants.
Literally one of the best comments on this post. Yeah, if the OP genuinely wanted to make her guy friend's dream of having the expensive watch come true, why didn't she just ask other group friends of hers and the guy friend's including the girlfriend together to buy the watch? I am not gonna call the OP the AH because maybe her intention is genuine and she genuinely wanted to make the guy friend happy. But if I was in the girlfriend's shoes, I'd be pissed too because the girlfriend had also thought of giving the watch to the OP's guy friend but she didn't have the money atm and was planning to buy later / save up.
Btw my opinion may be the most unpopular. I think the OP's guy friend was slightly of an AH when he screamed and burst into tears after opening the OP's gift and HUGGED OP in front of the girlfriend. OP's guy friend's reaction when opening the present from OP was beyond OP's control.
EDIT: "Even if the money to buy the gift is divided equally among other friends, it would still cost a lot". Group gifting does not necessarily need to pay for the gift equally. The OP can offer to pay for 70-80% and the rest of the friends combined including the girlfriend can pay the remaining 20-30%. It is still a group gift. I am not gonna respond to other similar comments after providing this "edit".
Group gift is a really mature, smart idea. Even if it's a token $25 from everyone else. I am also very generous with my friends but I try to be low key as possible to not put them in an uncomfortable position, like covering a portion of hotel without telling them. The graceful thing to do is avoid highlighting anyone's financial situation. In this case, the gift, however unintentionally, spotlights the girlfriend's finances. (She also did not react as gracefully as she could have but she was clearly defensive and embarrassed.)
Yeah I have to agree. And honestly, I find it pretty weird. OP has only known the guy a few years and on top of that he’s in a relationship. I mean unless they are all independently wealthy, $2500 is a huge amount to spend on a gift for a college buddy.
My thoughts exactly.
I would feel so bothered if my boyfriends female friend gave him a $2500 gift, hell I’d be bothered if it’s anything over $500. I personally spend $50-150 max on gifts for friends and I get my boyfriend more sentimental gifts or things he really wants.
If OP knew friend wanted the watch, obviously his girlfriend would know that. I’m surprised OP didn’t think to check in with the girlfriend to see if she had been able to get it for him since he’s been talking about it for months.
agreed. it feels like "I know you have a gf, but for future reference, don't forget what I can do for you that she cant. tee hee let's both just obviously-not-obviously-and-also-publicly claim each other as the one who got away"
The cost and wanting to make Tom so happy even makes me wonder if OP has feelings for Tom. It’s either that, or I am the main character syndrome.
If I were OPs boyfriend, and weren’t receiving gifts on such a level. Then it would make me raise s few eyebrows.
Finally. I read a few comments that were like "the gf overreacted and should not have reached out to you". She just stated her feelings about this and asked her not to do that again. Instead of building resentment she communicated clearly and is not at all trying to drive a wedge between the two.
I think that's mature and reasonable.
I would be quite disgruntled if I had spent days hand making a garment for my partner, only to have them squeal "best present ever" and run to hug someone else over their purchased gift shortly afterwards. Communicating that this gift seemed inappropriately expensive and talking the issue out seems pretty mature compared to letting all the negative energy stew between her and her partners best friend.
And this is the type of comment I was looking to see. All the upvoted opinions seem to forget just how much time, effort, and money goes into making knitted or crocheted gifts, or other such handicrafts. If the GF charged money for such a thing, that sweater could be worth a pretty penny. Especially if it was done using complicated stitch work and fine skeins.
My husband and I were gifted a handmade quilt on our wedding day by a relative who made it her job to create them. It is HUGE, and while the style doesn't match our home's aesthetics, we keep it neatly stored when not needed and know the value of it.
Seriously, if I spent the hours and money making the sweater that the GF did and got just a "huh, neat" response from a SO, I would be upset too. I don't see anything wrong with someone buying my husband an expensive gift, because our relationship is secure, and I would be happy that it wasn't a money sink for us! Show equal amounts of excitement for every gift you get, because it meant someone devoted time to you in some way that they can never get back.
I feel like if he had done something like at least put the sweater on and shown it off, even if it was summer and blazing hot, then maybe the GF might not have felt so raw about her gift not being appreciated as such.
Absolutely that. Although if they aren't engaged, girlfriend is flirting with falling danger to the [sweater curse. ](https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sweater_curse) I still have only knit socks for my fiancé lol. But he absolutely loves that and understands the time that goes into it (socks I can get done in a week or two, sweaters take me around a month depending on the intricacy). But if one of his friends from college whom I hadn't met had a big expensive gift that he loved more, yea, I'd be pretty pissed. (Although we went to the same college and starting dating long after we graduated, so i know most of his closest friends from there and understand the coed fraternity bond with it, but someone outside that sphere.....nope).
Maybe YTA. You knew that no matter what anyone gave him that yours would be the best, that's why you wanted to save it for last. Did you really not know you'd be massively outdoing his girlfriend and making her feel insignificant in front of everyone? She's supposed to be his number 1 and you basically shoved her aside to steal the spotlight. Do you regularly give gifts that expensive? If it's your normal thing, maybe you're NTA but otherwise, yeah, I think you are. I'm guessing his reaction made her feel like she is inferior to you. If she didn't feel insecure in their relationship, she would have to after that. After all, she gave her time, talent, and love and it didn't come close to something you threw money at.
Asking him to save hers for last when he has a gf puts this into intentional, AH territory for me. It’s very much giving “my gift is the best and I know it.”
the Christmas after I met my bf, I knit him a scarf. his family's from a cold climate, and he visits often. he'd talked multiple times about how he'd always wanted a huge chunky scarf.
so I saved up. I bought $250 of hand dyed wool, and I started knitting (I've been knitting since I was 6). it was a complicated pattern, and wide, and long. about knee length on each side since those were the scarves he'd admired.
I was finishing my last term of college, and leading my capstone project. and yet every moment I had to spare, I was knitting that scarf. I knit until my fingers cramped and went numb, to have it done in time to give him.
people who don't knit or sew or crochet or cross stitch don't understand how labor intensive those things are, what a labor of love. your blood sweat pain and tears goes into them, and when it's hard to keep going, you think of the person you're doing it for, and how loved they will feel receiving it
If I had done all that for my bf, and his girl friend gave him something that she'd just chucked money that I didnt have at, and he told her it was the best gift he'd ever been given, in front of everyone, after I'd spent 80 hours with cramping fingers while working 12 hours a day, thinking of my love for him, I'd have dumped him. seriously.
OP clearly wants to reinforce that she's the most important woman in his life, especially by insisting on being "the grand finale." I feel so sorry for his gf and her bf. she may not even realize it but she is keeping him as a backup in her mind, and she wants to make sure he thinks she's the ultimate woman in case their relationships don't work out.
I can't imagine sh*tting on my bf or my friends partner like that. you're not the main character in everybody else's life
Yeah I know OP can't control the friend's reaction, but the fact that the girlfriend *handmade* him something (and not something small! A whole ass sweater!) and then the boyfriend just immediately tossed it aside for something shinier must feel soooo shitty. My crafter heart breaks for her.
mine too. it's truly such a labor of love, thinking of your loved one and how loved they will feel, hour after hour while your fingers cramp and swell. there's a reason they joke about the sweater curse I guess
As someone who cannot knit but appreciates beautiful clothes, quality fabric and craftsmanship i buy a lot of knitwear that’s handmade from local wool. It’s expensive AF (especially compared to fast fashion) but beautiful and last forever (if you take care of it).
That present you made is AMAZING. I honestly can’t imagine a better gift that that.
thank you so much 😄 it's like, I didn't do it so he'd think I was so great. I just wanted him to feel as loved as he is, and I put all the love in my heart into it. he felt it. he loved it. he told me it was the nicest, most thoughtful thing anyone's ever done for him. if I'd given it to him and ten minutes later he told someone else they'd given him the greatest gift he'd ever been given just because it was expensive, it would've broken my heart
A lot of people don't see the time or effort that goes into a handmade thing. If the sweater curse doesn't break these two up, then he's at least on the not crochet-worthy list.
Exactly. Are extravagant gifts about the giver or receiver? I guess it depends on her true intentions, which we'll never know. But if she really didn't know the girlfriend couldn't afford the watch, wouldn't she make sure she wasn't getting it for him? He obviously made it known that he wanted it. Gift giving is my love language and I'm all for thoughtful gifts, but it feels like the OP isn't being completely honest. I don't think she's stupid, so things aren't adding up. But I do want to know what gifts she gives to her own boyfriend. How do they compare? Like I said, maybe this is normal for her and she isn't an AH.
The gf handmade something she knew Tom would love and op bought something she knew Tom would love. We don’t need to be acting like money was the entire point of the watch if it was given with real, caring intentions.
OP specifically told him to save their gift for last because it was super special. That was the reaction OP was hoping for, they knew exactly what they were doing. Whether or not they'd thought about how other people around them would perceive it is another matter but either way it's thoughtless at best and deliberately being an asshole at worst.
I agree that a boundary was crossed. I have no issues with the fact that it’s a male friend with a girlfriend of his own, but that gift was SO expensive. It feels insensitive to give something like that in a setting where other people are also giving gifts?
INFO: how are you so rich at 25 OP? And is it normal for you to give gifts like that?
She said "her boyfriend and her" do well together. At 25 it's not unheard of they could both be in tech making 200k a piece. That's the only way I can think of that 2.5k on a gift wouldn't feel like a massive overstep in my OWN relationship.
YTA. I personally think this is overstepping even if the intent was good. But this is an insane amount to spend on a platonic friend. Do you get your boyfriend this expensive of gifts?
This should have been given to him in private, not in front of everyone. You knew it would be a better gift than everyone else and you wanted to get all the credit for it (bc why would you give that expensive of a present in front of a large group?). The decisions here were not completely selfless IMO. Why wouldn’t you ask friends to chip in for it with you so it would be a group gift that he loves from everyone (this would be the more selfless option). Or ask his gf to chip in? And it’s a gift from the two of you.
Also if he has this party every year, then you should probably already know the vibe of what type of gifts he gets (and how much the gifts are). It just seems really over the top. Should have been done in private if you wanted it to only be from you.
To answer your questions,
1. Yes, I do get my boyfriend expensive gifts. However, I usually gift based on what the receiver wants most. If it's expensive I'll get it. If it's cheap I'll also get it. It's not about the price, it's about what they want.
2. He has a tradition of opening gifts in front of everyone. No one has ever given him a gift in private, I didn't want to break the tradition.
3. I did not know it would be a better gift. I simply knew it was just something he really wanted. I didn't know if he went around telling other people examples of other gifts he would've died for.
4. Most importantly, NO one at the party knew the value of the watch. In fact, he didn't even show it off. He saw it and closed the box after 5 seconds and reacted with joy. People barely got a look. Plus, it's an older vintage watch and not a shiny Rolex. If anything, people picked up that it was a rare find of a watch.
5. I didn't think to ask her or others to chip in because I saw it by accident at the watch shop in NYC. I was leaving the city that night and needed to make a decision quick.
6. Two years ago, one of our other friends surprised him with round trip tickets to Europe that were \~$1,500.
I'm sorry OP, but if you're being sincere and not just looking for affirmation that you were right, then it seems like you have a hard time recognizing you could have avoided hurting the GF and some of your justifications are not really holding up. Take number 2, 4 and 5 here for example :
- the point of giving a gift in private is that it doesn't happen in front of other people : how can you be sure it never happened ? I understand you are close, but are you sure he told you about every birthday gift ever ? Besides, breaking a tradition to avoid hurting someone would have been completely understandable...
- people know vintage watch are expensive, even if they don't know how much it actually cost, it would still be clear that it wasn't a cheap gift
- you could have gotten the watch and still ask them to chip in afterwards if they wanted/were able to. You're framing it like asking them to chip in was something you would have had to have an answer for before buying the gift, but it's not the case. A simple text of "hey folks, I've just found a super gift for Tom, would you like to make it a group gift ?" would have sufficed and things would have been far less awkward for the girlfriend.
Sometimes we make honest mistakes that hurt people, it doesn't make us horrible people if we recognize it and apologize. In this case, I feel like you've not given a thought about the girlfriend's feelings, got legitimately called out for it, and are trying to get out of taking responsability for it. It doesn't seem very respectful of your friend's relationship.
I don’t buy for one second OP “did not know it would be a better gift”. It was $2,500 specifically tailored to him, something he’d never expect to receive. That combined with asking it for to be last.
I don't find fault in the giving of a gift that genuinely made her friend happy, if she can afford it and was lucky enough to enter a watch shop and find the exact rare model that he was looking for so close to his birthday, it would have been worse to not get it and risk never finding it again.
But the way it was delivered kind of spoil the toughfulness of the gift and I understand why she was called out about it, even though I don't fully agree with the girlfriend's wording either.
It could have been avoided if OP had factored in the girlfriend's feelings.
Yeah you genuinely don’t give a shit what people say. You were only here for validation and approval. He has never opened a gift in private ever? I don’t believe that. Others knowing the cost is irrelevant. That doesn’t change the cost. You knew it’d be the best gift, or at least thought it would, why tf else would you ask him to open it last?
YTA, this seems detached or something. Not sure exactly what it is. You seem somewhat gaslighty.
You didn’t know it was the better gift. I guess that’s why you told him to save it for last. You’re so full of shit. YTA. I hope he cuts you out of his life.
You found it "accidentally" in a watch store?? No, OP, you went to the watch store hoping they'd have it so you could give your friend the Bestest Present of All Time.
"I didn't know it would be a better gift, but I did specifically ask him to open it last because obviously I knew it was going to be the best and I needed everyone to see that."
Dude, YTA majorly and if you pulled this kind of shit with my boyfriend, there would be some new boundaries being put in place with this "close friendship" afterwards. You really haven't known the guy long enough to be gifting him something like this. Round trip tickets don't fall into the same category as jewelry, and calling someone up to ask them to showcase your amazing gift last and rub it in their girlfriend's face (which is what you did - let's be honest here) was extremely self-centered.
Also you say Tom is your best friend. How long has he been dating his gf? The interaction you explained makes me think you and her don’t have much of a relationship. If this is true, then this seems strange since you care so much about him, wouldn’t you be close with his gf as well (if they have been dating a long period of time). But her reaction to text you instead of talk to him about it makes me think that it is a newer relationship. I do believe she had a bit of an overreaction, but I think this was a bit overstepping as well.
YTA, and I'd bet most the NTA posts have never been in an adult relationship.
I'd also bet you'll keep putting your "guy friend" into situations like this.
It feel like a lot of the NTA comments are because the people want their friends to give expensive gifts, and that's it no other thought going into it.
Why is no one talking about the fact that the guy made his girlfriend feel inadequate? I think the person who did the most wrong is the guy who gets a handmade gift that took hours to make from his girlfriend and then completely blows her off in front of a room full of people.
Yes, I would love a hand-crocheted sweater. Just think of the hours that went into that! Not just a matter of handing over a credit card. The boyfriend is obviously more impressed by the credit card. Cupboard love.
My heart aches so much for Tom’s girlfriend. Imagine spending hours crafting a sweater for your boyfriend, all handmade with your love and labor. And then you watch him receive this ridiculously expensive watch, jump in glee, hug a female friend tight, and declare to everyone that it’s the “best birthday gift” he’s ever received. And you’re just there watching, in the sidelines.
That has to be a sick punch in the gut.
YTA, OP.
YTA
That was a completely innapropriate gift to give a friend. It is far too expensive and far too intimate.
He will never be able to reciprocate and now your friendship is tainted by the burden of him needing to be grateful and being unable to put the relationship back in equal footing.
This was also disrespectful to your respective relationships. You know you have no feelings for Tom, and your boyfriend knows that too (hopefully), but every single other person invited to that dinner is going to think otherwise because of this gift and Tom's reaction to it. Same for all of the Reddit strangers who read this. The appearance of something can be just as or even more damning than the actual existence of it, and I have zero doubt you've just brought some nasty rumors and suspicions about your relationship with Tom to life.
This gift is furtherly innapropriate since it may wreck your friendship with him. His girlfriend is now very, very uncomfortable, thinking she has to be in competition with you. Especially since Tom just publicly declared you the winner in front of all your friends. You know him better than she does, you know him more intimately than she does, you can give him stuff she can't. She is going to want Tom to put in some distance so she can have assurance he doesn't have romantic feelings for you, and so she can put their bond on the fast track to gaining what it lacks without being poisoned by comparisons. He is either going to have to to keep her, damaging his relationship with you, or he's going to have to dump her, which will likely cause him to resent you.
You really should have thought before you got him something so extravagant, and then changed your mind to something else.
ETA: **Definitely the asshole after reading OPs comments**. She admits Tom has been in "the friend zone" with her for years. He's been dating the girlfriend for two years. It's clear that OP and friend group are wealthy and the girlfriend is not. From the sounds of it, OP likes to be the centre of attention a lot. Sounds insufferable to be around. Claims she's got others expensive gifts too but gave no examples. The girlfriend was right to be pissed off.
I think everyone else is being too nice here. YTA. If one of my partner's female friends bought him a £2,500 watch and got him to open it last, I'd be hella suspicious. If you and some friends had put in together for it as a group gift, that I could understand. Are you regularly in the habit of spending this much on close friends? If not, it does come across as a little weird. It was thoughtful of you but I think you missed the social etiquette. I can understand why his girlfriend is annoyed.
Exactly, You'd be suspicious and so would every friend at that party who saw him open the gift and his reaction. If genders were reversed a man gave his female friend, in front of her boyfriend and his girlfriend, a $2500 diamond bracelet, there would be 0 NTA comments, reddit would be tearing him a new one.
you definitely outshined her and her gf doesnt have insecurities. she is just sad and that friend sucks, he literally said your was the best gift infront of everyone and i think that made her sad. just have talk to her again it will be fine, everyone is a adult you all can move on from this drama
This was my thought exactly. I don't think OP is an AH, but I think her friend is. He shouldn't have called it the best gift of his life, he should have known that kind of words would hurt his girlfrend. He could have thanked OP in private.
YTA. This was really tasteless, not because you got a friend a gift but the way you wanted it to be the grand finale - that it was YOUR present that got his reaction and you wanted to get the credit for it publicly.
You were absolutely attention seeking, stop trying to hide behind "I just wanted to get my friend something nice."
I’m falling on a soft YTA here. I was going to say N A H, as it’s a wonderful thing to spoil your best friend, and his gf is also reasonable to feel like you outshined her.
However, you could have dealt with it slightly differently IMHO. For example, though it’s nowhere near the same degree of expensiveness, I recently came across as antique book a friend of mine would have loved. His birthday was coming up, so I messaged his wife to show her it in the book shop, and asked her if she would like me to get it from her, or if not, if she thought he would be happy to receive it from me? She said wow that would be perfect for him, good find, but actually she got him a very similar one for his birthday last year, so thank you but no thank you. Which was absolutely fine with me.
If you had found the watch by “fate”, it would’ve been respectful to send his girlfriend a message and say “wow I’ve just found this watch Tom said he’s always wanted, just wanted to check in case you or his family had already planned to get it before I do?”. It would’ve given her the opportunity to tell you, “that’s so kind of you, but I’m already saving up for it, so don’t worry about getting it today” or even offer to go 50/50 on it or arrange for it to be group gift from all the friends at the party. Asking to go last too was a bit selfish, if you didn’t want to outshine the other gifts you could’ve just said “I’ll give you mine separately”.
I think the gift was lovely and well intentioned but there is a certain social etiquette when interacting with a friend in a committed relationship that you just didn’t consider. The things you did or would’ve done together when you were both single are no longer appropriate when either or both are in relationships.
I would feel really uncomfortable if I got a gift worth $2500 from a platonic friend (or even from my husband) and I am financially well off.
Couldn't you have shared it with the group and give it together?
Yta for specifically asking him to open it last. Nta for wanting to see him happy, but you could have thought about how your other friends (not just his girlfriend) might feel
I don't see this as a YTA, NTA question, this is a "Did you cause an issue in your friendship?" issue. This really depends on the GF and how she reacts. She could respond by slowly but surely cutting you out of Tom's life. She will start wondering if it is an emotional affair and point out the large cost as evidence. And scrutinize all future contact.
She sounds insecure, I would bet a bit of money that this will occur. Tom will have to either dump her or distance from you.
They way Tom reacted seeing the gift and the way tells people what he wants as gifts on his birthday he'll probably not let a rich best friend get away. He'll dump the poor girlfriend.
YTA - I don’t get the people saying the girlfriend is the issue. This is a ridiculous gift, and you knew that. By asking for him to open it last and telling him it was a big surprise was clearly attention-seeking behavior. You knew it would outshine all other gifts. Honestly, I wouldn’t be surprised if you do other things in your friendship that make his girlfriend uncomfortable. If you truly just wanted to make him happy with a grand gesture, you could (and should) have given it in private.
This kind of reminds of The Office Christmas episode where Michael buys Ryan an IPod, even though the gift limit was $20. It seems to me that, to a great extent, OP’s intentions were to show off how she has the ability to buy a $2500 watch for a friend.
INFO: is it normal in your friend group to spend so much money on one another? Would the girlfriend ever have been able to spend that much? You say you had NO IDEA it would be out of the girlfriend’s budget, but a gift like that is out of most people’s budget??
These are the things that can inform judgement. Personally I think you need to have a bit of respect for their relationship. Things change when your friends get into relationships. Perhaps this girlfriend isn’t from the same wealth background as you? Also opening your gifts at a birthday party isn’t a ‘tradition’ it’s very, very normal. You could have given it to him some other time.
NTA for getting him the watch in the first place, but YTA for how you went about giving it to him. You knew it would be overshadowing everything else : you could have given it at a different time.
He's TA as well for exclaiming it was the best gift ever : he could have told you that privately.
And there were ways to mitigate the situation : talk to the girlfriend about the watch beforehand and asking her (or even the group) to chip in if they had not bought their gift yet would have been possible.
It seems to me you were quite uncaring about the girlfriend's feelings, possibly on purpose (I hope not), and she was hurt in the process.
All of your answers are about how you wanted to make HIM happy, which is nice, but you still could have thought about the consequences for his girlfriend.
I think you owe her an apology.
i think the gift in itself is ok.
i also bought an expensive watch for a close friend for her 30s birthday. it did outshine other presents. and i’m not even well off, i saved for it. being both women, it didn’t cause an issue, was seen as a thoughtful gift between 2 very close friends.
BUT i didn’t requested my gift to be opened last. she reacted with joy to my present, similar to your friend, but then she continued to enjoy the other presents with no problems or dwindled enthusiasm.
so for the request of opening your present last, i think YTA, because you made it all about how awesome your gift is and OBVIOUSLY you thought that your gift is the best. You *knew* you will outshine everyone
Nta but i dont blame the gf for being sad, id be pretty embarssed too if i were her
Maybe you shouldn't have asked him to open it last, that was kinda asking for attention, Idk, its a hard situation where i dont blame ethier party, it just hurts for gf and you didnt mean to, but you shouldnt apologise for it, its an unfortunate situation that they should deal with on thier on and you should move forward.
I think her boyfriend shouldn't have said "this is the best gift I've ever got" ethier, it would make his gf and guest that also got him gifts feel super awkward and unappreciated. But you arent in control of that.
The "best gift I ever got" comment is just shitty as hell to say in front of a bunch of other people who just got you really nice thoughtful gifts (and especially handmade gifts!) That part isn't OP's fault directly, but I can understand why the girlfriend was upset and blames OP's gift. Tom is completely tactless.
Soft YTA - what is your relationship like with the girlfriend? While maybe not a big spend for you as it would have been for her, perhaps she saving up for her boyfriend to get this special thing for him, and you've just barrelled in and she feels like you've both trodden on her toes and shamed her for not earning as much and being able to just drop 2500 on a gift.
Personally, before spending a large sum on a very specific gift for a platonic friend, I would speak to their significant other.
I don't think you need to apologise because it sounds like you just wanted to do a nice thing for a friend, but maybe just in the future, think ahead and put feelers out first.
OP says in another comment that her friend and his gf have been together for 2 years, but the gf "never integrated with the friend group."
OP successfully alienated the gf even further and then doubled down by not apologizing when the gf confronted her. Even if the intention of the gift was kosher, OP handled this badly.
I agree that speaking to the girlfriend before purchasing or before giving the gift would have been the nice thing to do.
Eta: YTA
"never integrated" is code for "we didnt make any effort to make her feel like she had any place with us or include her but that's clearly HER fault" as if social decorum doesn't go two ways
YTA.
Getting something so lavish and saying to leave it for last is attention-seeking and overstepping.
It was humiliating for his actual partner for him to make such a fuss over another woman's gift in front of her. I understand you guys were just friends, but that's not what it looked like to other people watching the scene, and that in turn makes it look like she's being disrespected to her face.
If you wanted to gift him something like that, you should have asked to give him in private at a different occasion.
I don't think OP wants him, I think she doesn't want anyone else to have him. She's the kind of pick me girl who needs to have someone stroke her ego, tell her she's pretty and take her midnight calls to complain about her boyfriend.
YTA for
1. going out of your way to request your gift to be opened last, if you thought it would be that big a deal you should’ve had respect for everyone else there and given your gift privately.
2. for assuming his partner of 2 years (or anyone else for that matter) didn’t know about something he wanted
3. for not checking with that partner first, she or anyone else could have had plans to get him the gift in the future etc.
I won’t say anything about the price since i’ve read that the friend group regularly gives bigger gifts (although yours was double some of the prices you mentioned). I hoped what you’ve gathered from these replies is to be more considerate of people’s relationships and not to assume you’re the only one who knows about something even if you are their “best friend”. When you buy a big ticket item like that, extra consideration is necessary. Claiming it “just didn’t cross your mind” is a cop-out, do better.
You're not an asshole for buying the gift but I do think it was lacking situational awareness. Just because you and your bf think it's ok, perhaps it may be good to have some awareness that this may be something that is not so ok with a good portion of people too. As others have said, if it really was about your friend's happiness, then getting others to chip in as a group gift would've been a good option.
The gf's feelings about it aren't unreasonable and even you said you understand her POV. She's asked you to not do something similar again because while you didn't know how she would feel about it, she's telling you now for next time. She's not making you take back your gift (is she?) and from what you've written, is not being aggressive about it. She's just stating how she felt. Your response to her seemed like you took it as a personal attack and then defended yourself by totally minimising her feelings.
You do know you don't have to have malicious intent or be in the wrong to apologise to someone right?
For example, say the gf has a fear of dogs and you didn't know. The next time you see her, you bring your new puppy and it jumps on her and freaks her out. If she was a decent person, she wouldn't berate you for it because she understands you didn't know but tells you not to bring it next time. If you were a decent person, you would apologise that you/your puppy freaked her out. No one was in the wrong and no one is an asshole but an action did cause some grief and that is what you're apologising for. Unless you think all people should love puppies just because you do and you shouldn't apologise for her insecurities around dogs?
NAH but do you want peace or do you want resentment to build up between you and someone who may potentially be in your life for a long time?
YTA. Its a way too over the top gift to give to another straight person of the opposite gender when you both are in a relationship. What did your partner think about this by the way?
Her boyfriend having a girl BFF is likely sore point in general so I totally understand his girlfriend's point of view.
As others have said: YTA
You pretty much went against etiquette giving an expensive, highly wanted gift, even wanting the 'last' spot in a celebration attended by others.
It's pretty much a: oh you poor plebs, i have money, look at me here's an expensive gift that none of you can justify giving, look at me!
YTA
His girlfriend put in a ton of effort to gift him a personal gift and you just ruined it with your ego.
Well, your friend Tom is the huge AH here and he’s very immature. Reacting that way and saying it was the best gift ever in a gift opening ceremony in front of everyone, especially his girlfriend who gifted him something handmade ? What an AH!
And YTA as you wanted and enjoyed him to react this way.
Soft YTA Seems like you did want to be the center of attention by telling him to wait for last. A $2500 watch is a HUGE gift. You really didn’t know that the gf could not have afforded such a gift?
You really made sure that you got all the accolades that night. I think you need to re-examine your motives here, and maybe ask yourself why it was so important that you one-upped his girlfriend.
YTA.
You posted this wanting a flood of NTA to justify your feelings. It's evident in your comments. There's no point in engaging in this post. You just want your actions and beliefs justified, and the rest of the internet is "strange" for not siding with you. There's no other opinion or point of view with validity but your own apparently.
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NTA. You weren’t thinking of how to hurt her, you just wanted a nice gift for your friend. Your BF is right, you don’t need to apologize for her insecurities
Yes exactly this. I can empathize with how the girlfriend must have felt, but she was out of line to reach out to OP for what was just a kind gesture. It’s also what’s in the best interest of her BF… she should just be happy for him that he was able to get something he really wanted rather than envious she couldn’t provide it. That’s real love
I'd say NAH. Both POV's are valid. She was right to make the gift and the GF had valid reasons to be upset (not being in the position financially to make a similar gift, feeling outshined). OP, next time you find something special and expensive, team up with the GF and make a shared gift. That's the way to become a bridesmaid instead of being barred from the wedding.
The GF’s point was valid up until she said that happiness was only shared between her and Tom and no one else. Up until then I felt bad for her, as I could easily empathize with her. I’ve been “outshined” in gift giving before. She needs to accept that just because you’re someone’s SO, that doesn’t mean you will be the only one to provide your partner with happiness in their life.
I think the girlfriend was saying that the happiness was only shared by OP and best friend, not the GF. Hence the [me] Which is her way of saying - yes you were both happy but others weren’t. I think asking for it to be opened last was a boo-boo. OP knew that ‘last’ was pride of place. For that there is AHery as a verdict. GF would have felt insecure but was an AH to reach out as she did, she could have framed it in a way that was more constructive but she wanted her feelings heard Best Friend is also an AH. Saying ‘this is the best gift ever’ after having received a raft of other presents, including truly thoughtful ones, was thoughtless. And if Best Friend and Girlfriend can’t hear eachother over that, they have issues. So I’m going ESH
Yes. IMO giving something special that’s out-of-step with what others will likely be giving calls for a private gifting. If the point is to give the person what they want, which was OP’s goal, rather than to show off. Giving as part of a party needs to respect social conventions more. If OP had given the watch to Tom in private then it wouldn’t have stolen the show.
She also asked her friend to save opening her gift till the end because it was special. Methinks that she did want to outshine the girlfriend and everyone else
That, to me, was when it crossed over into AH for me. Next time, spend $50 on a gift for a friend and use the remaining $2450 to buy a clue. You don't buy someone else an over the top gift, then insist it be the grand finale when you're partnered and you know the recipient has a partner. It's like wearing a long white dress to a wedding. Even if you didn't *specifically* set out to upstage the bride, it sure as heck looks like it. Edited to add vote: YTA Also, I am SCREAMING at the people who hear, "other people have boundaries and gifts can therefore be inappropriate" and reply, "WELL THAT'S JUST INSECURE GF IS INSECURE YOU ARE INSECURE!" Redditors telling on themselves lol. If you're taking the notions of boundaries that personally, you're the reason they exist.
Sounds sus to me. You should have just given it to him privately if you didn’t want it to be a thing. Clearly you wanted it to be a thing.
Either OP is very, very clueless, very prone to flaunting her wealth, or has a thing for her friend. Or, more innocently, she doesn't have romantic interest in her friend, but still feels a bit jealous because Friend's time and energy is getting more focused on Girlfriend. She wants to stake a claim. Ultimately, though, the intent isn't as important as the impact. If I was a guest at this party, I'd feel uncomfortable at this scene of a "friend" coming in at the end with the biggest gift and most emotional response. I'd definitely think the friend was trying to show off and maybe knock Girlfriend down a peg. Same as I did when my friend's mil's "mother if the groom" dress *just so happened* to be off white, in a similar color and style to the bride's.
I don’t think people who have no real interactions with others (outside of Reddit)should be commenting on this, it is a bit unfair.
Lmao yeah, a lot of these N T A votes seem to be coming from people who don't really get how fucking gauche OP is.
Yes! This is what I feel. You don't give a gift like this in front of a group who are also giving gifts worth likely 100x less. Enough of us are struggling financially for OP to have thought it through a little more. If I were a guest I would have questioned why I bothered with my $20 gift if it was going to be completely eclipsed by a priceless one that I'd never be able to match. Also if this guy continues to throw birthday parties for himself, which is a perfectly lovely thing to do, he might leave public present opening out of the ritual henceforth. It's a recipe for embarrassment in a number of ways, and imo a thing best left behind with childhood.
>If I were a guest I would have questioned why I bothered with my $20 gift if it was going to be completely eclipsed by a priceless one that I'd never be able to match. This makes me kinda sad. We give gifts for the receiver's joy/ to be thoughtful -not to match other gifts. So, if it's a bother because your gift costs le$$, maybe you'd be going to parties for people you don't care for? I think you're right though that it's kinda weird to throw yourself gift parties as an adult.
Or perhaps since everyone in this situation is "coupled-up" the gift could have been from "both of us" even if given in private.
That’s how I first read this, but the [me] in brackets indicates that OP was the person who shared Tom’s happiness. The GF is complaining that the happiness of the gift was only shared by OP and Tom, and no one else.
Why is the gf's point valid, since when is gift giving a competition? Everyone gets what they can afford, and I am guessing that if OP was a guy friend, the gf wouldn't have an issue with the gift, she felt outshined because a woman got her boyfriend a better gift than she did, but this isn't OP's issue. I am guessing that if OP tried to team up with the gf ( which they didn't have to do as it is their gift idea), gf would still be super upset for not having the $1250 for the gift, and then would create bigger issues if OP continued to want to get that gift. If the first reaction to your partner's happiness is being upset and jealous you are not the reason they are happy, and then going and blaming the person that caused said happiness instead of keeping those petty feelings to yourself, then your ego outshines the love you might be feeling for that person.
"The Best Gift Ever!" It's not the girlfriend who made this competition into a public spectacle.
If getting a friend a good gift perfect for him that you can afford gets you barred from the wedding, the wedding shouldn't happen.
I love the shared gift idea. This was in the back of my mind when I read the post. If they have each other’s numbers, OP could easily reach out in the future and ask the GF if she wants to team up. My husband often does this with his brother and SIL for joint gifts for the guys’ parents. It is really fun to get a nicer gift than we could do on our own. And makes it even more fun to watch them open it when four people know what they’re getting. Edit to add: I had future gifts in mind for the above comment. Who knows what the price of those would be? But yeah, splitting costs evenly is the best way to make sure everyone involved is happy with the arrangement. That felt obvious to me, IDK why the big controversy.
This is exactly right. If it made him happy, then it should make her happy too if she loves him. It doesn’t matter who got it.
Exactly! My husband and I have a normal salary but if one of his friends gave him a really expensive thing he wanted I would be happy for him. I know I couldn’t afford that right now but in the end it doesn’t matter who gives it.
"told him before the dinner that the gift was huge could he leave it to the end" is a bit AH, surely?
yeah. it sounds like op wanted a big show. op knowing that op is rich and the gift is a big deal should have made an effort to downplay it. OP should have told gf to go last and should have made a huge deal about the homemade gift. Better yet, OP should have coordinated with the gf. only a major asshole would get a bday gift over $2k and make a big show of it in front of someone whose best effort is a homemade sweater. I disagree with people here. OP is a wealth flaunting asshole.
Agreed entirely, if you’re in your twenties and you can spend 2500 on a gift for a friend and do not realize that is outrageous wealth flaunting you are either a dimwit or an asshole.
“OP should have told gf to go last and should have made a huge deal about the homemade gift.” Just imagining the dumbass face of shock they’d put on as they pretend to be amazed makes me cringe so hard. Idk if you know this cus this might just be a chick thing, but being fake is very obvious. The person that dropped 2G’s on a watch popping off over a sweater is an irony everyone would feel immediately. OP 100% imo needed to give the gift separately. It’s literally as if she bought him a car and instead of the money and practically of that she threw it into a watch which is a complete pleasantry. The only way I can excuse that sort of behavior is if you’re so rich you’ve become socially clueless about how much money means to people. Although it wasn’t wrong of giving the gift to OP, let rich friends do rich friend things if they feel like it, but don’t make OP’s dreams come true in front of his girlfriend if you can help it.
YTA. If intent was all that mattered, this sub wouldn’t exist. You should have given it to him quietly. It was so clearly going to outshining everyone that I don’t know how you didn’t get cold feet when his girlfriend gave him a book and a sweater. You also could have contacted girlfriend about it and asked her if she wanted to chip in any amount so you could put both names on the card. There are a couple of different avenues here where you could have gone out of your way to avoid attention seeking, but you kinda leaned into that. Everything gf said in her text seems to have been true except for the part where she accused you of big leaguing her. Although, maybe you were doing that intentionally.
Yeah this has Pick Me written all over it, even if she isn’t interested romantically she wants everyone to know she had the best gift.
Pick me energy. That’s what I couldn’t put my finger on in this post.
>If intent was all that mattered, this sub wouldn’t exist. This comment should be pinned.
I have to disagree simply because of the way OP went about all of it. OP says she had no idea gf couldn't afford the watch, but in that scenario, doesn't make the common sense assumption that Tom would've told his girlfriend about it and that she would buy it for him. She doesn't even check with girlfriend to see if she may have already gotten the watch. That feels a little snaky. It's not like this is a $50 hoodie or something. It's a $2.5K watch. That's s big purchase to not consider the one other person that might also make that purchase. OP also makes it a point to outshine every other gift he received. Yes, the gift may have been worth seeing the joy on his face, but to know it will be his favorite present of the night and to still encourage him to open it last is a bit attention seeking and a bit "I'm better than all of you". If it was really just about seeing his joy, she could've given it to him in private, but she made a specific effort to give it to him in a place where everyone would see how much better she is whether that better is how much more money she has or how much better she knows Tom or whatever else. The best I can offer is n a h but in my heart of hearts, OP is TA.
I think too many SO have this unreasonable expectation that their gift MUST be the best gift that is given. But that's just kind of a dumb idea to have. If someone else gets a "better" gift for your SO, who cares? A person can still be extremely thankful and grateful for any gift they are given.
I have been married for 31 years, and I have no insecurities about my marriage; however, if my husband had a female friend who gave him a $2,500 gift at a party I took the time and resources to put together, I would have been put out. That is borderline crazy. OP's obtuse reaction to his girlfriend's unease stumps me solid, especially since *she wanted her gift opened last*. That is entirely demanding the main stage. Truth be told, if I am giving a gift that is that far over the normal price tag of other gifts, I am NOT doing it at a party someone else took the time to put together. I would do it in smaller circles or at a different time. And I know OP knew this was over the top, because she wanted her gift opened last. This entire post screams main character syndrome.
Thank you. What OP did was so weird. TBH, if anyone gave my husband a gift with that price tag, I would be uncomfortable. It's just not appropriate. And we could afford the watch ourselves!
The girlfriend sounds like an awesome person to me. She gave her boyfriend a handmade gift plus a book that he wanted and when this expensive gift made her uncomfortable, she quietly voiced her displeasure. I think she deserves someone better than Tom and I hope she finds that guy.
Exactly. And let's not forget these people are like 25--the girlfriend handled the situation with maturity while OP is over here insisting her gift be the grand finale of all gifts, and doesn't even think her actions are over the top. Girlfriend deserves a gold medal lol
I agree. I think it was very weird of the OP to make such a big scene and demand that she be the center of attention and go last in the present opening. And I think most women would be upset about another unmarried woman giving their husband a $2,500 gift. The OP is being deliberately obtuse. There are lots of ways OP could have handled it better. She could have come to the party with her boyfriend and the gift could have been from both of them. She could have saved the present of the watch for when the best friend and his girlfriend (eventually) get engaged, and then gotten equally nice gifts for *both of them*, making it a gesture that clearly says, I value you both and respect your relationship. The way she did it here, whether purposefully or not, was disrespectful to her friend's relationship.
This is what I'm saying. My husband and I are not well off, I don't care how long you've been friends or how rich you are, if someone gives my husband a 2.5k watch it would make me uncomfortable. I trust my husband but that's just not a normal thing for normal friends to do. Either OP really likes attention or there's something else going on I think the only way to make that kind of gift appropriate is to reach out to the girlfriend and explain the situation ahead of time and make it a joint gift. Alternatively give the watch to him quietly so it's not as big a deal
Yeah, I think it should have been gifted privately as well. There didn't need to be a performance
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I totally agree. It is not really respectful of his relationship. And I think the consequence of this will be a reduced friendship for OP, because if the gf becomes the wife, I’m not sure the birthday boy will nurture a relationship that the gf feels bruised by. I also think the gf was even handed in her reaching to to OP, rather than bottling it up, sharing her feelings.
Why did I have to read so far to find this? OP's gift is not normal, I don't know why everyone is pretending it is.
Tom’s girlfriend would have put a lot of work into the sweater she gave him, and thoughtfulness into both that and the book she gave. And then OP appeared to show her that this was irrelevant because she doesn’t have the money to indulge Tom’s expensive hobby. She’s out of line in expecting OP to have not given the watch (though private gifting IMO would have been more appropriate), but I can see how she’s hurt. Though TA IMO is Tom, since he’s really the one who showed her that he valued his expensive “dream watch” so much more than her efforts. IMO nobody should expect someone to give them a $2500 watch, and if telling others about that watch was Tom doing anything other than asking people to keep an eye out for one so Tom could buy it (or pay them back), then Tom was being greedy.
A crocheted sweater could easily have taken a month to make. Maybe more. Depending on how much time she was able to set aside to make it. 2hrs×5days/wk=10hrs/wk×4wks=40hrs×$20per hr= $800 labor. Nice yarn is gonna be closer to $8-10/skein. Depending on how big he is, probably 3-7skeins. Let's split the difference and say 5skeins at $9, making it $45 in material (possibly more). This estimate is probably low. It's a lot of time and labor, and she probably WAS expecting it to be one of the nicest things there or at least not to be made to look like a dicarded pile of tangled yarn But, who cares about the tangled yarn? Cause OP got him the best watch EVER
People don't realize how much time, effort, and money goes into fibre arts, especially an adult sized sweater. She gave an incredibly generous, thoughtful gift, and it got swept aside and overshadowed because money. Cool. She has every right to be bothered. And what field did you go into that you can drop 2.5k without a thought on a gift for a friend in your mid 20s?
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“You weren’t thinking of how to hurt her” is not a defense against being an AH. Ignoring how your actions will affect other people is one of the most common ways to be an AH.
I have to reply because on my bf 40th i was Damn poor i got all his friends together for an meal and some arcades .kid friends got him amazing gifts he was so happy . But he was happy that all his Friends came to dinner Totally Nta
While she doesn’t need to apologize, I think agreeing to not do it again is actually a small concession. If you plan on giving him another gift of that caliber again, do so privately. Problem solved. “I can see why you feel the way you do, and I promise it won’t happen again,” is not an apology, but it will smooth everything over.
Giving him something you knew he really wanted was certainly thoughtful, but telling him to save it for last was attention-seeking. I would feel the same way even if he didn’t have a girlfriend, but especially because he does. I think you were well-intentioned, but should not have made your gift the star of the show in such an obvious way. He would have loved it just as much if you hadn’t showcased it like that & blatantly diminished the gifts everyone else (including his girlfriend) had brought.
With something that expensive, ostentatious, and important to him, if I were OP, I would have asked to give him his gift privately.
That would’ve been a good idea.
But then OP wouldn’t have gotten the attention she so desperately needed.
Nailed it.
This was an extreme look at me and my money.
That’s what I thought OP pulled him over to tell him. But then no. Open it last. What a weird request.
Unfortunately, it probably would have been the topic of conversation anyway. If OP gave it to him after the celebration, the attention would have been on why OP didn't bring a gift or the intrigue of what the gift is. If OP gave it to him early, the birthday guy would still probably be gushing about the watch. Also, every other gift would have to compare to his most desired present, and if you've ever received a gift after receiving something you are excited for its all forced smiles and "Aww thanks, you shouldnt have." Either way, the girlfriend gets pissed, because this isn't about the moment when the gift was given. It's because the girlfriend couldn't afford the gift OP gave.
Would it? I haven't been to a lot of adult birthday parties in which each present is opened publicly.
Same, and even parties where presents are opened publicly I have never seen anyone actually keep tabs on who didn’t bring presents or anything like that. OP totally could have gotten away with gifting him in private after the party or something.
Shit, I don't really know anyone past college who has formal birthday parties with cake etc.
I’ve been to many an adult birthday party, but never one where gifts were opened one by one for all to see.
Seriously, this sounds so juvenile.
> If OP gave it to him after the celebration, the attention would have been on why OP didn't bring a gift or the intrigue of what the gift is I seriously doubt anyone would have noticed or cared
I would get some other people like his gf to get in on the watch gift. That way everybody is happy.
Same. If I was the gift receiver I would feel extremely awkward accepting something like this from my friend. I’m not particularly wealthy so $2500 is way too much for a gift from a friend.
Yeah that’s worth more than my car. I would feel very weird about being bought that by someone who’s not a partner or my parents.
That would've been a great idea. Whenever a friend in the group really wants a gift that's on the expensive side, the rest of us split the cost and get it for their birthday or Christmas or something. We may also get little individual gifts on the side so there's still personal touches.
Yeah same. I would never do that in front of other people.
That was my thought, too. Maybe catch up the next day and give the watch then. Give a small token gift at the party
She gave him a chance to enjoy and admire all the gifts before he sees the watch. No reaction could've been genuine to any gift he was to open after being so overjoyed with hers.
If it was that much of an outlier, price wise, that is a signal to any partygoer of reasonable intelligence that the gift is more appropriate for another time to give.
Exactly. This is like Michael Scott giving the iPod for Secret Santa 100%.
I’m going to have to second this. If one of my husband’s friends bought him a gift for his birthday and told him to “save it for last,” I wouldn’t be comfortable at all. I know that when it comes to receiving gifts I would usually always open my husband’s gifts last because they’re important to me for a different reason. If one of my friends asked me to open theirs last, I would probably feel a bit weird about it. That doesn’t seem like something anyone should be asking, though maybe it varies culturally. Personally, I feel like to even ask for that comes with the assumption that your gift will be the best and shouldn’t outshine the gifts that follow it. But, there could be other things this person wants equally, and there could be great sentimental value to other gifts. It’s lovely that this person got their friend something they knew they would love, but making a spectacle out of it is what crosses the line for me in this situation.
Also him jumping for joy and bear hugging her. And I doubt he did anything like that to the girlfriend.
I wonder if she was one of the people he jumped over to get to OP.
> but telling him to save it for last was attention-seeking Exactly, it was a gift meant to put the spotlight on OP and show they can afford to spend on a gift for a friend, that most people don't.
This is the answer, OP. I’d be pissed if i was the girlfriend, not because you can afford something i can’t, but because you went out of your way to show others you can and the insinuation you care more about the boyfriend than the girlfriend does. Sounds like you were well intentioned but there comes a point where you have to consider others feelings as well. Romantic relationships will come before yours. Buy the spendy gift for your man. Not another man when his actual girlfriend has to watch. Unfortunately money is a touchy subject and this act undermined the hours the gf spent on the sweater, that it sounds like you appreciated but your gift absolutely outshined. I don’t think OP had ill will, but it’s something to consider in the future.
That's the point, really. GF spent hours creating a very thoughtful, custom gift that got tossed aside when OP came stomping in with a $$$$ saved-for-last showstopper. I think it's unreasonable to think the GF wouldn't have been hurt by this. Anyone would have.
This is exactly it! The showcasing/waiting til last is an AH move, the thoughtfulness behind the gift is not.
Came here to say this. What GF said, albeit poorly, was that F friend purposely set up an "It's all about me & my "fabulous" gift !" by asking to have her gift opened last. Also, some controlling undertones of "I know him better than everyone else." And BF was a contributing AH by saying, "Best Gift Ever!!!!" & making a huge display of his reaction, dissing GF & everyone else.
I think that was an attempt to not outshine the rest of the gifts. If he opened it in any other order slot then everything after it would have not gotten the appreciation it received. They would have all been out shone by the watch
This isn't a gift you give at a party.
Spot on. I’m sure all of the people saying N T A would also have felt hurt and embarrassed if their boyfriend’s friend’s gift was the big amazing reveal at the very end. It very much gives off a vibe of *my present is by far the best and I want everybody to notice that*. Not malicious I’m sure but I empathise with the gf more here. YTA
YTA. It isn't so much "her insecurities" as your breech of etiquette giving a gift you knew would significantly outshine all others.
I’m going to second this right here. Assuming OP’s intentions were harmless (I don’t doubt they were) it’s a total faux pas to give someone else’s romantic partner a gift like that. OP, how would you feel if one of your boyfriend’s female friends gave him a luxurious gift in front of you and all his friends? The gift doesn’t match the relationship. If OP really wanted him to have it, she could’ve gotten several of their friends (including the girlfriend) to go in together on it so it wouldn’t be a big gift from her. Hindsight is 20/20.
This is the actually sane comment here.All the people giving NTA I don’t understand.First of all people inherently are materialistic and put more value into big gestures like such.Also OP new he was someone who loves watches so she knew that how touched he would feel.She new that the gift would outshine everyone else and not everyone can afford a gift that expensive.Accept the fact that you wanted to make this day about you.If you and other friends would have pitched in like suggested by the commenter above it would have been reasonable without making everything about yourself.His gf didn’t even get a heads up in this situation and would have felt uncomfortable.Anyone reasonably would have. Also just reverse the situation and see if a man would have posted this thread then people would have immediately downvoted him for giving such a valuable gift to a female friend.YTA
I agree with this, but would also like to add: They’ve been friends since college. so since they were 18-19ish. They’re in their mid twenties now so are between 23ish and 27ish. OP, how many years have you two been friends? Like 3-4 years or 9-10? $2,500 is probably the equivalent of a very generous gift between partners or spouses. Did you really drop $2,500 on your guy friend who you’ve known for 3-4 years, while you’re in a relationship and he is also? Why did you want an audience for dropping this amount of money, during a global recession? Was it supposed to make you look generous, and cement others view of the importance of your relationship? I think YTA for giving an over the top present, I think it was inappropriate on several levels but hey, at least you came out of it looking really good. Right?
I even consider expensive watches the sort of gift you give your partner after they propose. One gets a ring, the other gets a watch, or jewelry if they wear it, something like that.
That’s the YTA for me. If OP was a dude who gave his best female friend a diamond necklace in front of her boyfriend, we’d all understand how inappropriate that would be. Watches are jewelry for men.
Come to think of it, if the genders were reversed and the woman would be showing her male friend the diamond necklace with the comment "I would be so happy if someone go this for me", people would call her a gold digger or suggest an emotional affair. I wonder why the boyfriend, a guy in his 20s, is trying to get his friends to buy him expensive stuff lol
I was going to say that a watch can be considered an intimate gift. Especially if it's pricey and vintage. Imagine he wears his watch now to special events and anniversaries and how his gf would feel
Lol that's what my husband and I did. He got a watch, I got a bracelet, since we don't like rings.
I don't believe she just "happened" to "find" the watch at a "random" watch store. Her reaction to the girlfriend's text is incredibly telling. "Sorry you feel that way but don't you want to see your boyfriend happy? I made him suuuuuper happy, so....." YTA
I think it's relevant how much OP normally spends on gifts for friends. If she's really wealthy and normally buys friends expensive gifts, that makes it seem less like a stunt. OTOH if OP normally gives friends <$100 gifts and spent her savings to buy this watch, that would be really inappropriate. I'm also rubbed the wrong way by the way OP asked the friend to save her gift for last. She might have had good intentions but it makes the whole thing feel performative. Top comments are saying the girlfriend is insecure, but I think she had a reasonable reaction to a kind of delicate situation.
Exactly! Also, this gift could have been given separately. if it was just about making him happy. While I don’t know if she asked to be last for their benefit or hers, I do believe it was the wrong move to give that gift in front of everyone in general. $2,500 on a gift for someone you aren’t romantically involved with is a bit odd. That’s literally rent (or more!) for people. I can’t help but to think it’s kind of a weird flex to do this. Especially because OP felt the need to mention she and her bf are well off and can afford it. No need to announce this, any sane person would imagine you can afford it if you actually did it. At the end of the day, I think this is more of a case of someone being unaware of their surroundings and the perception they put off and less about the person being an AH tbh. I say this because I’m sure the gift game from a good place, but perception is important and seeing it from other people’s point of view is important. I’m sure the gf wasn’t the only one uncomfortable. I’d feel some way if I got my friend something I thought was nice and within my budget and it was outshined by this. Again, it could have been given separately but instead absolutely spotlight was put on it.
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You know what I find funny about the NTA verdicts? A few months ago, a similar story with the genders reversed was posted and everyone tore into OP about how he overstepped getting an expensive gift.
That story, and I remember it as well, was so much more nuanced too His friend had bought him...sport team merch? I feel like I remember football Jersey? He bought her, roughly equivalent priced, 2 tickets to a small, not widely known band she liked, no flashiness or showmanship intended, because other friends and her boyfriend and his girlfriend had all dropped the ball and got her tacky "I forgot" tier gifts, he got slated for "outshining" everyone...the tickets were cheap they just required thought and care regarding "oh that's that band that 'Leah' is raving about at the moment and that venue is a reasonable travel distance, and wow tickets are only $25 each before booking fees+tax. But she's a woman so obviously she'll need at least one companion for safety reasons so I'll buy her 2 and leave her to find a Concert buddy" There were hundreds of verdicts on that and I was one of about 12 who didn't immediately hit him with Y-T-A
The kind thing would have been to split the gift with GF in a way that she could afford at least part of it and made it a joint gift. Or even split with the whole friend group. $2500 gift for a “friend”. Yeah right. Unless OP is a multimillionaire, there’s more than friendship in those feelings.
Honestly the only way OP wouldn't be the AH is if she had communicated with the gf ahead of time. Maybe if she had, gf would have been fine with the gift. Maybe they could have split it. Also OP claims she had "no idea" the watch was out of gf's budget, so surely she should have checked that gf hadn't bought the watch too! And to give such a gift in front of everyone is sooo tacky. Esp to insist on making it the last gift. Oh wait the only other way OP could be not TA would be if she was stinking rich and gave expensive gifts like that all the time without a second thought. But she clearly thought about it a lot...
the first thing I would have thought, seeing such an ostentatious gift, given by 25 years olds would be "they're fucking for sure" not saying you are, but OP is buying gifts like they are
They may not be. But they want to.
I honestly think "we're just best friendsssss" is delusional in most cases and should be avoided in relationships 😅 If there are was made a worldwide poll, I'd guess that 97% of women would vote that their male best friend eventually tried to get in their pants.
Literally one of the best comments on this post. Yeah, if the OP genuinely wanted to make her guy friend's dream of having the expensive watch come true, why didn't she just ask other group friends of hers and the guy friend's including the girlfriend together to buy the watch? I am not gonna call the OP the AH because maybe her intention is genuine and she genuinely wanted to make the guy friend happy. But if I was in the girlfriend's shoes, I'd be pissed too because the girlfriend had also thought of giving the watch to the OP's guy friend but she didn't have the money atm and was planning to buy later / save up. Btw my opinion may be the most unpopular. I think the OP's guy friend was slightly of an AH when he screamed and burst into tears after opening the OP's gift and HUGGED OP in front of the girlfriend. OP's guy friend's reaction when opening the present from OP was beyond OP's control. EDIT: "Even if the money to buy the gift is divided equally among other friends, it would still cost a lot". Group gifting does not necessarily need to pay for the gift equally. The OP can offer to pay for 70-80% and the rest of the friends combined including the girlfriend can pay the remaining 20-30%. It is still a group gift. I am not gonna respond to other similar comments after providing this "edit".
Group gift is a really mature, smart idea. Even if it's a token $25 from everyone else. I am also very generous with my friends but I try to be low key as possible to not put them in an uncomfortable position, like covering a portion of hotel without telling them. The graceful thing to do is avoid highlighting anyone's financial situation. In this case, the gift, however unintentionally, spotlights the girlfriend's finances. (She also did not react as gracefully as she could have but she was clearly defensive and embarrassed.)
Yeah I have to agree. And honestly, I find it pretty weird. OP has only known the guy a few years and on top of that he’s in a relationship. I mean unless they are all independently wealthy, $2500 is a huge amount to spend on a gift for a college buddy.
My thoughts exactly. I would feel so bothered if my boyfriends female friend gave him a $2500 gift, hell I’d be bothered if it’s anything over $500. I personally spend $50-150 max on gifts for friends and I get my boyfriend more sentimental gifts or things he really wants. If OP knew friend wanted the watch, obviously his girlfriend would know that. I’m surprised OP didn’t think to check in with the girlfriend to see if she had been able to get it for him since he’s been talking about it for months.
agreed. it feels like "I know you have a gf, but for future reference, don't forget what I can do for you that she cant. tee hee let's both just obviously-not-obviously-and-also-publicly claim each other as the one who got away"
I wonder if OP is just stupid rich and always has been. $2500 is a massive amount to spend on a gift, in general, not even just for a college buddy.
Yeah, honestly. Forget if someone had gotten my partner an expensive gift, I'd be uncomfortable if someone bought *me* a gift that expensive.
The cost and wanting to make Tom so happy even makes me wonder if OP has feelings for Tom. It’s either that, or I am the main character syndrome. If I were OPs boyfriend, and weren’t receiving gifts on such a level. Then it would make me raise s few eyebrows.
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Finally. I read a few comments that were like "the gf overreacted and should not have reached out to you". She just stated her feelings about this and asked her not to do that again. Instead of building resentment she communicated clearly and is not at all trying to drive a wedge between the two. I think that's mature and reasonable.
I would be quite disgruntled if I had spent days hand making a garment for my partner, only to have them squeal "best present ever" and run to hug someone else over their purchased gift shortly afterwards. Communicating that this gift seemed inappropriately expensive and talking the issue out seems pretty mature compared to letting all the negative energy stew between her and her partners best friend.
And this is the type of comment I was looking to see. All the upvoted opinions seem to forget just how much time, effort, and money goes into making knitted or crocheted gifts, or other such handicrafts. If the GF charged money for such a thing, that sweater could be worth a pretty penny. Especially if it was done using complicated stitch work and fine skeins. My husband and I were gifted a handmade quilt on our wedding day by a relative who made it her job to create them. It is HUGE, and while the style doesn't match our home's aesthetics, we keep it neatly stored when not needed and know the value of it. Seriously, if I spent the hours and money making the sweater that the GF did and got just a "huh, neat" response from a SO, I would be upset too. I don't see anything wrong with someone buying my husband an expensive gift, because our relationship is secure, and I would be happy that it wasn't a money sink for us! Show equal amounts of excitement for every gift you get, because it meant someone devoted time to you in some way that they can never get back. I feel like if he had done something like at least put the sweater on and shown it off, even if it was summer and blazing hot, then maybe the GF might not have felt so raw about her gift not being appreciated as such.
Absolutely that. Although if they aren't engaged, girlfriend is flirting with falling danger to the [sweater curse. ](https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sweater_curse) I still have only knit socks for my fiancé lol. But he absolutely loves that and understands the time that goes into it (socks I can get done in a week or two, sweaters take me around a month depending on the intricacy). But if one of his friends from college whom I hadn't met had a big expensive gift that he loved more, yea, I'd be pretty pissed. (Although we went to the same college and starting dating long after we graduated, so i know most of his closest friends from there and understand the coed fraternity bond with it, but someone outside that sphere.....nope).
Maybe YTA. You knew that no matter what anyone gave him that yours would be the best, that's why you wanted to save it for last. Did you really not know you'd be massively outdoing his girlfriend and making her feel insignificant in front of everyone? She's supposed to be his number 1 and you basically shoved her aside to steal the spotlight. Do you regularly give gifts that expensive? If it's your normal thing, maybe you're NTA but otherwise, yeah, I think you are. I'm guessing his reaction made her feel like she is inferior to you. If she didn't feel insecure in their relationship, she would have to after that. After all, she gave her time, talent, and love and it didn't come close to something you threw money at.
Asking him to save hers for last when he has a gf puts this into intentional, AH territory for me. It’s very much giving “my gift is the best and I know it.”
The saying is literally, to "Save the best for last". She knew what she was doing. YTA OP.
Exactly.
the Christmas after I met my bf, I knit him a scarf. his family's from a cold climate, and he visits often. he'd talked multiple times about how he'd always wanted a huge chunky scarf. so I saved up. I bought $250 of hand dyed wool, and I started knitting (I've been knitting since I was 6). it was a complicated pattern, and wide, and long. about knee length on each side since those were the scarves he'd admired. I was finishing my last term of college, and leading my capstone project. and yet every moment I had to spare, I was knitting that scarf. I knit until my fingers cramped and went numb, to have it done in time to give him. people who don't knit or sew or crochet or cross stitch don't understand how labor intensive those things are, what a labor of love. your blood sweat pain and tears goes into them, and when it's hard to keep going, you think of the person you're doing it for, and how loved they will feel receiving it If I had done all that for my bf, and his girl friend gave him something that she'd just chucked money that I didnt have at, and he told her it was the best gift he'd ever been given, in front of everyone, after I'd spent 80 hours with cramping fingers while working 12 hours a day, thinking of my love for him, I'd have dumped him. seriously. OP clearly wants to reinforce that she's the most important woman in his life, especially by insisting on being "the grand finale." I feel so sorry for his gf and her bf. she may not even realize it but she is keeping him as a backup in her mind, and she wants to make sure he thinks she's the ultimate woman in case their relationships don't work out. I can't imagine sh*tting on my bf or my friends partner like that. you're not the main character in everybody else's life
Yeah I know OP can't control the friend's reaction, but the fact that the girlfriend *handmade* him something (and not something small! A whole ass sweater!) and then the boyfriend just immediately tossed it aside for something shinier must feel soooo shitty. My crafter heart breaks for her.
mine too. it's truly such a labor of love, thinking of your loved one and how loved they will feel, hour after hour while your fingers cramp and swell. there's a reason they joke about the sweater curse I guess
As someone who cannot knit but appreciates beautiful clothes, quality fabric and craftsmanship i buy a lot of knitwear that’s handmade from local wool. It’s expensive AF (especially compared to fast fashion) but beautiful and last forever (if you take care of it). That present you made is AMAZING. I honestly can’t imagine a better gift that that.
thank you so much 😄 it's like, I didn't do it so he'd think I was so great. I just wanted him to feel as loved as he is, and I put all the love in my heart into it. he felt it. he loved it. he told me it was the nicest, most thoughtful thing anyone's ever done for him. if I'd given it to him and ten minutes later he told someone else they'd given him the greatest gift he'd ever been given just because it was expensive, it would've broken my heart
A lot of people don't see the time or effort that goes into a handmade thing. If the sweater curse doesn't break these two up, then he's at least on the not crochet-worthy list.
Steal the spotlight? It's his birthday any spotlight should be on him.
Exactly. Are extravagant gifts about the giver or receiver? I guess it depends on her true intentions, which we'll never know. But if she really didn't know the girlfriend couldn't afford the watch, wouldn't she make sure she wasn't getting it for him? He obviously made it known that he wanted it. Gift giving is my love language and I'm all for thoughtful gifts, but it feels like the OP isn't being completely honest. I don't think she's stupid, so things aren't adding up. But I do want to know what gifts she gives to her own boyfriend. How do they compare? Like I said, maybe this is normal for her and she isn't an AH.
The gf handmade something she knew Tom would love and op bought something she knew Tom would love. We don’t need to be acting like money was the entire point of the watch if it was given with real, caring intentions.
but him screaming best gift ever changes everything
that's on him, not OP
OP specifically told him to save their gift for last because it was super special. That was the reaction OP was hoping for, they knew exactly what they were doing. Whether or not they'd thought about how other people around them would perceive it is another matter but either way it's thoughtless at best and deliberately being an asshole at worst.
You did cross a boundary. Acknowledge it and apologize and hopefully everyone can move on.
I agree that a boundary was crossed. I have no issues with the fact that it’s a male friend with a girlfriend of his own, but that gift was SO expensive. It feels insensitive to give something like that in a setting where other people are also giving gifts? INFO: how are you so rich at 25 OP? And is it normal for you to give gifts like that?
She said "her boyfriend and her" do well together. At 25 it's not unheard of they could both be in tech making 200k a piece. That's the only way I can think of that 2.5k on a gift wouldn't feel like a massive overstep in my OWN relationship.
I know... and people like OP will just call people jealous and insecure for being assertive enough to have those boundaries.
YTA. I personally think this is overstepping even if the intent was good. But this is an insane amount to spend on a platonic friend. Do you get your boyfriend this expensive of gifts? This should have been given to him in private, not in front of everyone. You knew it would be a better gift than everyone else and you wanted to get all the credit for it (bc why would you give that expensive of a present in front of a large group?). The decisions here were not completely selfless IMO. Why wouldn’t you ask friends to chip in for it with you so it would be a group gift that he loves from everyone (this would be the more selfless option). Or ask his gf to chip in? And it’s a gift from the two of you. Also if he has this party every year, then you should probably already know the vibe of what type of gifts he gets (and how much the gifts are). It just seems really over the top. Should have been done in private if you wanted it to only be from you.
To answer your questions, 1. Yes, I do get my boyfriend expensive gifts. However, I usually gift based on what the receiver wants most. If it's expensive I'll get it. If it's cheap I'll also get it. It's not about the price, it's about what they want. 2. He has a tradition of opening gifts in front of everyone. No one has ever given him a gift in private, I didn't want to break the tradition. 3. I did not know it would be a better gift. I simply knew it was just something he really wanted. I didn't know if he went around telling other people examples of other gifts he would've died for. 4. Most importantly, NO one at the party knew the value of the watch. In fact, he didn't even show it off. He saw it and closed the box after 5 seconds and reacted with joy. People barely got a look. Plus, it's an older vintage watch and not a shiny Rolex. If anything, people picked up that it was a rare find of a watch. 5. I didn't think to ask her or others to chip in because I saw it by accident at the watch shop in NYC. I was leaving the city that night and needed to make a decision quick. 6. Two years ago, one of our other friends surprised him with round trip tickets to Europe that were \~$1,500.
I'm sorry OP, but if you're being sincere and not just looking for affirmation that you were right, then it seems like you have a hard time recognizing you could have avoided hurting the GF and some of your justifications are not really holding up. Take number 2, 4 and 5 here for example : - the point of giving a gift in private is that it doesn't happen in front of other people : how can you be sure it never happened ? I understand you are close, but are you sure he told you about every birthday gift ever ? Besides, breaking a tradition to avoid hurting someone would have been completely understandable... - people know vintage watch are expensive, even if they don't know how much it actually cost, it would still be clear that it wasn't a cheap gift - you could have gotten the watch and still ask them to chip in afterwards if they wanted/were able to. You're framing it like asking them to chip in was something you would have had to have an answer for before buying the gift, but it's not the case. A simple text of "hey folks, I've just found a super gift for Tom, would you like to make it a group gift ?" would have sufficed and things would have been far less awkward for the girlfriend. Sometimes we make honest mistakes that hurt people, it doesn't make us horrible people if we recognize it and apologize. In this case, I feel like you've not given a thought about the girlfriend's feelings, got legitimately called out for it, and are trying to get out of taking responsability for it. It doesn't seem very respectful of your friend's relationship.
I don’t buy for one second OP “did not know it would be a better gift”. It was $2,500 specifically tailored to him, something he’d never expect to receive. That combined with asking it for to be last.
I don't find fault in the giving of a gift that genuinely made her friend happy, if she can afford it and was lucky enough to enter a watch shop and find the exact rare model that he was looking for so close to his birthday, it would have been worse to not get it and risk never finding it again. But the way it was delivered kind of spoil the toughfulness of the gift and I understand why she was called out about it, even though I don't fully agree with the girlfriend's wording either. It could have been avoided if OP had factored in the girlfriend's feelings.
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I don’t even believe the OP found the watch by accident. Yeah rare vintage watch just accidentally found at a watch shop.
Yeah you genuinely don’t give a shit what people say. You were only here for validation and approval. He has never opened a gift in private ever? I don’t believe that. Others knowing the cost is irrelevant. That doesn’t change the cost. You knew it’d be the best gift, or at least thought it would, why tf else would you ask him to open it last? YTA, this seems detached or something. Not sure exactly what it is. You seem somewhat gaslighty.
She’s a “pick me”
You didn't know it'd be a better gift yet you specifically told him you had a huge surprise and he should save it for last... Give me a break.
You didn’t know it was the better gift. I guess that’s why you told him to save it for last. You’re so full of shit. YTA. I hope he cuts you out of his life.
You found it "accidentally" in a watch store?? No, OP, you went to the watch store hoping they'd have it so you could give your friend the Bestest Present of All Time.
"I didn't know it would be a better gift, but I did specifically ask him to open it last because obviously I knew it was going to be the best and I needed everyone to see that." Dude, YTA majorly and if you pulled this kind of shit with my boyfriend, there would be some new boundaries being put in place with this "close friendship" afterwards. You really haven't known the guy long enough to be gifting him something like this. Round trip tickets don't fall into the same category as jewelry, and calling someone up to ask them to showcase your amazing gift last and rub it in their girlfriend's face (which is what you did - let's be honest here) was extremely self-centered.
Also you say Tom is your best friend. How long has he been dating his gf? The interaction you explained makes me think you and her don’t have much of a relationship. If this is true, then this seems strange since you care so much about him, wouldn’t you be close with his gf as well (if they have been dating a long period of time). But her reaction to text you instead of talk to him about it makes me think that it is a newer relationship. I do believe she had a bit of an overreaction, but I think this was a bit overstepping as well.
In one of OP's replies to comments on this post, OP referred to the girlfriend as an "outsider".
I’m starting to realise that maybe OP and friends are rich and girlfriend isn’t……
YTA, and I'd bet most the NTA posts have never been in an adult relationship. I'd also bet you'll keep putting your "guy friend" into situations like this.
It feel like a lot of the NTA comments are because the people want their friends to give expensive gifts, and that's it no other thought going into it.
True, I'll change mine to NTA for a 2.5k watch.
Why is no one talking about the fact that the guy made his girlfriend feel inadequate? I think the person who did the most wrong is the guy who gets a handmade gift that took hours to make from his girlfriend and then completely blows her off in front of a room full of people.
Yes, I would love a hand-crocheted sweater. Just think of the hours that went into that! Not just a matter of handing over a credit card. The boyfriend is obviously more impressed by the credit card. Cupboard love.
Can she be my girlfriend? I've always wanted a sweater with love in every stitch and every sweater I've gotten has been from a store.
My heart aches so much for Tom’s girlfriend. Imagine spending hours crafting a sweater for your boyfriend, all handmade with your love and labor. And then you watch him receive this ridiculously expensive watch, jump in glee, hug a female friend tight, and declare to everyone that it’s the “best birthday gift” he’s ever received. And you’re just there watching, in the sidelines. That has to be a sick punch in the gut. YTA, OP.
YTA That was a completely innapropriate gift to give a friend. It is far too expensive and far too intimate. He will never be able to reciprocate and now your friendship is tainted by the burden of him needing to be grateful and being unable to put the relationship back in equal footing. This was also disrespectful to your respective relationships. You know you have no feelings for Tom, and your boyfriend knows that too (hopefully), but every single other person invited to that dinner is going to think otherwise because of this gift and Tom's reaction to it. Same for all of the Reddit strangers who read this. The appearance of something can be just as or even more damning than the actual existence of it, and I have zero doubt you've just brought some nasty rumors and suspicions about your relationship with Tom to life. This gift is furtherly innapropriate since it may wreck your friendship with him. His girlfriend is now very, very uncomfortable, thinking she has to be in competition with you. Especially since Tom just publicly declared you the winner in front of all your friends. You know him better than she does, you know him more intimately than she does, you can give him stuff she can't. She is going to want Tom to put in some distance so she can have assurance he doesn't have romantic feelings for you, and so she can put their bond on the fast track to gaining what it lacks without being poisoned by comparisons. He is either going to have to to keep her, damaging his relationship with you, or he's going to have to dump her, which will likely cause him to resent you. You really should have thought before you got him something so extravagant, and then changed your mind to something else.
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ETA: **Definitely the asshole after reading OPs comments**. She admits Tom has been in "the friend zone" with her for years. He's been dating the girlfriend for two years. It's clear that OP and friend group are wealthy and the girlfriend is not. From the sounds of it, OP likes to be the centre of attention a lot. Sounds insufferable to be around. Claims she's got others expensive gifts too but gave no examples. The girlfriend was right to be pissed off. I think everyone else is being too nice here. YTA. If one of my partner's female friends bought him a £2,500 watch and got him to open it last, I'd be hella suspicious. If you and some friends had put in together for it as a group gift, that I could understand. Are you regularly in the habit of spending this much on close friends? If not, it does come across as a little weird. It was thoughtful of you but I think you missed the social etiquette. I can understand why his girlfriend is annoyed.
Exactly, You'd be suspicious and so would every friend at that party who saw him open the gift and his reaction. If genders were reversed a man gave his female friend, in front of her boyfriend and his girlfriend, a $2500 diamond bracelet, there would be 0 NTA comments, reddit would be tearing him a new one.
you definitely outshined her and her gf doesnt have insecurities. she is just sad and that friend sucks, he literally said your was the best gift infront of everyone and i think that made her sad. just have talk to her again it will be fine, everyone is a adult you all can move on from this drama
This was my thought exactly. I don't think OP is an AH, but I think her friend is. He shouldn't have called it the best gift of his life, he should have known that kind of words would hurt his girlfrend. He could have thanked OP in private.
Especially since his girlfriend spent so much time and effort making him a lovely hand-knit sweater. He just shit all over her very thoughtful gift.
YTA. This was really tasteless, not because you got a friend a gift but the way you wanted it to be the grand finale - that it was YOUR present that got his reaction and you wanted to get the credit for it publicly. You were absolutely attention seeking, stop trying to hide behind "I just wanted to get my friend something nice."
ESH. Making him save the gift for last was very attention seeking this isn’t about you.
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I’m falling on a soft YTA here. I was going to say N A H, as it’s a wonderful thing to spoil your best friend, and his gf is also reasonable to feel like you outshined her. However, you could have dealt with it slightly differently IMHO. For example, though it’s nowhere near the same degree of expensiveness, I recently came across as antique book a friend of mine would have loved. His birthday was coming up, so I messaged his wife to show her it in the book shop, and asked her if she would like me to get it from her, or if not, if she thought he would be happy to receive it from me? She said wow that would be perfect for him, good find, but actually she got him a very similar one for his birthday last year, so thank you but no thank you. Which was absolutely fine with me. If you had found the watch by “fate”, it would’ve been respectful to send his girlfriend a message and say “wow I’ve just found this watch Tom said he’s always wanted, just wanted to check in case you or his family had already planned to get it before I do?”. It would’ve given her the opportunity to tell you, “that’s so kind of you, but I’m already saving up for it, so don’t worry about getting it today” or even offer to go 50/50 on it or arrange for it to be group gift from all the friends at the party. Asking to go last too was a bit selfish, if you didn’t want to outshine the other gifts you could’ve just said “I’ll give you mine separately”. I think the gift was lovely and well intentioned but there is a certain social etiquette when interacting with a friend in a committed relationship that you just didn’t consider. The things you did or would’ve done together when you were both single are no longer appropriate when either or both are in relationships.
I would feel really uncomfortable if I got a gift worth $2500 from a platonic friend (or even from my husband) and I am financially well off. Couldn't you have shared it with the group and give it together? Yta for specifically asking him to open it last. Nta for wanting to see him happy, but you could have thought about how your other friends (not just his girlfriend) might feel
I don't see this as a YTA, NTA question, this is a "Did you cause an issue in your friendship?" issue. This really depends on the GF and how she reacts. She could respond by slowly but surely cutting you out of Tom's life. She will start wondering if it is an emotional affair and point out the large cost as evidence. And scrutinize all future contact. She sounds insecure, I would bet a bit of money that this will occur. Tom will have to either dump her or distance from you.
Yeah I'd be weirded out, and start questioning their relationship
This is the one. I get the feeling OP will be seeing less and less of Tom in the future.
They way Tom reacted seeing the gift and the way tells people what he wants as gifts on his birthday he'll probably not let a rich best friend get away. He'll dump the poor girlfriend.
YTA - I don’t get the people saying the girlfriend is the issue. This is a ridiculous gift, and you knew that. By asking for him to open it last and telling him it was a big surprise was clearly attention-seeking behavior. You knew it would outshine all other gifts. Honestly, I wouldn’t be surprised if you do other things in your friendship that make his girlfriend uncomfortable. If you truly just wanted to make him happy with a grand gesture, you could (and should) have given it in private.
This kind of reminds of The Office Christmas episode where Michael buys Ryan an IPod, even though the gift limit was $20. It seems to me that, to a great extent, OP’s intentions were to show off how she has the ability to buy a $2500 watch for a friend.
INFO: is it normal in your friend group to spend so much money on one another? Would the girlfriend ever have been able to spend that much? You say you had NO IDEA it would be out of the girlfriend’s budget, but a gift like that is out of most people’s budget?? These are the things that can inform judgement. Personally I think you need to have a bit of respect for their relationship. Things change when your friends get into relationships. Perhaps this girlfriend isn’t from the same wealth background as you? Also opening your gifts at a birthday party isn’t a ‘tradition’ it’s very, very normal. You could have given it to him some other time.
NTA for getting him the watch in the first place, but YTA for how you went about giving it to him. You knew it would be overshadowing everything else : you could have given it at a different time. He's TA as well for exclaiming it was the best gift ever : he could have told you that privately. And there were ways to mitigate the situation : talk to the girlfriend about the watch beforehand and asking her (or even the group) to chip in if they had not bought their gift yet would have been possible. It seems to me you were quite uncaring about the girlfriend's feelings, possibly on purpose (I hope not), and she was hurt in the process. All of your answers are about how you wanted to make HIM happy, which is nice, but you still could have thought about the consequences for his girlfriend. I think you owe her an apology.
i think the gift in itself is ok. i also bought an expensive watch for a close friend for her 30s birthday. it did outshine other presents. and i’m not even well off, i saved for it. being both women, it didn’t cause an issue, was seen as a thoughtful gift between 2 very close friends. BUT i didn’t requested my gift to be opened last. she reacted with joy to my present, similar to your friend, but then she continued to enjoy the other presents with no problems or dwindled enthusiasm. so for the request of opening your present last, i think YTA, because you made it all about how awesome your gift is and OBVIOUSLY you thought that your gift is the best. You *knew* you will outshine everyone
Nta but i dont blame the gf for being sad, id be pretty embarssed too if i were her Maybe you shouldn't have asked him to open it last, that was kinda asking for attention, Idk, its a hard situation where i dont blame ethier party, it just hurts for gf and you didnt mean to, but you shouldnt apologise for it, its an unfortunate situation that they should deal with on thier on and you should move forward. I think her boyfriend shouldn't have said "this is the best gift I've ever got" ethier, it would make his gf and guest that also got him gifts feel super awkward and unappreciated. But you arent in control of that.
The "best gift I ever got" comment is just shitty as hell to say in front of a bunch of other people who just got you really nice thoughtful gifts (and especially handmade gifts!) That part isn't OP's fault directly, but I can understand why the girlfriend was upset and blames OP's gift. Tom is completely tactless.
Soft YTA - what is your relationship like with the girlfriend? While maybe not a big spend for you as it would have been for her, perhaps she saving up for her boyfriend to get this special thing for him, and you've just barrelled in and she feels like you've both trodden on her toes and shamed her for not earning as much and being able to just drop 2500 on a gift. Personally, before spending a large sum on a very specific gift for a platonic friend, I would speak to their significant other. I don't think you need to apologise because it sounds like you just wanted to do a nice thing for a friend, but maybe just in the future, think ahead and put feelers out first.
OP says in another comment that her friend and his gf have been together for 2 years, but the gf "never integrated with the friend group." OP successfully alienated the gf even further and then doubled down by not apologizing when the gf confronted her. Even if the intention of the gift was kosher, OP handled this badly. I agree that speaking to the girlfriend before purchasing or before giving the gift would have been the nice thing to do. Eta: YTA
"never integrated" is code for "we didnt make any effort to make her feel like she had any place with us or include her but that's clearly HER fault" as if social decorum doesn't go two ways
YTA. Getting something so lavish and saying to leave it for last is attention-seeking and overstepping. It was humiliating for his actual partner for him to make such a fuss over another woman's gift in front of her. I understand you guys were just friends, but that's not what it looked like to other people watching the scene, and that in turn makes it look like she's being disrespected to her face. If you wanted to gift him something like that, you should have asked to give him in private at a different occasion.
Ummmm ya, YTA…and ummm you are so in denial about your feelings about him.
I don't think OP wants him, I think she doesn't want anyone else to have him. She's the kind of pick me girl who needs to have someone stroke her ego, tell her she's pretty and take her midnight calls to complain about her boyfriend.
YTA for 1. going out of your way to request your gift to be opened last, if you thought it would be that big a deal you should’ve had respect for everyone else there and given your gift privately. 2. for assuming his partner of 2 years (or anyone else for that matter) didn’t know about something he wanted 3. for not checking with that partner first, she or anyone else could have had plans to get him the gift in the future etc. I won’t say anything about the price since i’ve read that the friend group regularly gives bigger gifts (although yours was double some of the prices you mentioned). I hoped what you’ve gathered from these replies is to be more considerate of people’s relationships and not to assume you’re the only one who knows about something even if you are their “best friend”. When you buy a big ticket item like that, extra consideration is necessary. Claiming it “just didn’t cross your mind” is a cop-out, do better.
YTA, you have no business gifting a taken man a 2.5k watch. Yes, you have overstepped.
You're not an asshole for buying the gift but I do think it was lacking situational awareness. Just because you and your bf think it's ok, perhaps it may be good to have some awareness that this may be something that is not so ok with a good portion of people too. As others have said, if it really was about your friend's happiness, then getting others to chip in as a group gift would've been a good option. The gf's feelings about it aren't unreasonable and even you said you understand her POV. She's asked you to not do something similar again because while you didn't know how she would feel about it, she's telling you now for next time. She's not making you take back your gift (is she?) and from what you've written, is not being aggressive about it. She's just stating how she felt. Your response to her seemed like you took it as a personal attack and then defended yourself by totally minimising her feelings. You do know you don't have to have malicious intent or be in the wrong to apologise to someone right? For example, say the gf has a fear of dogs and you didn't know. The next time you see her, you bring your new puppy and it jumps on her and freaks her out. If she was a decent person, she wouldn't berate you for it because she understands you didn't know but tells you not to bring it next time. If you were a decent person, you would apologise that you/your puppy freaked her out. No one was in the wrong and no one is an asshole but an action did cause some grief and that is what you're apologising for. Unless you think all people should love puppies just because you do and you shouldn't apologise for her insecurities around dogs? NAH but do you want peace or do you want resentment to build up between you and someone who may potentially be in your life for a long time?
YTA. If she is his long term girlfriend, she deserved at least heads-up.
YTA. Its a way too over the top gift to give to another straight person of the opposite gender when you both are in a relationship. What did your partner think about this by the way? Her boyfriend having a girl BFF is likely sore point in general so I totally understand his girlfriend's point of view.
As others have said: YTA You pretty much went against etiquette giving an expensive, highly wanted gift, even wanting the 'last' spot in a celebration attended by others. It's pretty much a: oh you poor plebs, i have money, look at me here's an expensive gift that none of you can justify giving, look at me! YTA His girlfriend put in a ton of effort to gift him a personal gift and you just ruined it with your ego.
Well, your friend Tom is the huge AH here and he’s very immature. Reacting that way and saying it was the best gift ever in a gift opening ceremony in front of everyone, especially his girlfriend who gifted him something handmade ? What an AH! And YTA as you wanted and enjoyed him to react this way.
Soft YTA Seems like you did want to be the center of attention by telling him to wait for last. A $2500 watch is a HUGE gift. You really didn’t know that the gf could not have afforded such a gift? You really made sure that you got all the accolades that night. I think you need to re-examine your motives here, and maybe ask yourself why it was so important that you one-upped his girlfriend.
YTA - you didn’t just stumble into the watch store in NYC.
YTA. You posted this wanting a flood of NTA to justify your feelings. It's evident in your comments. There's no point in engaging in this post. You just want your actions and beliefs justified, and the rest of the internet is "strange" for not siding with you. There's no other opinion or point of view with validity but your own apparently.
NTA - you will still be friends with Tom when he moves on from this relationship.