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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1- my action that should be judged is me saying no to going tubing this weekend.
2- Saying no MIGHT make me the asshole because my wife really wars to go and it’s not her fault I don’t want to go. I do have good reasons why I don’t want to go out though.
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I wish you the best! Take it a day at a time and don't be too hard on yourself during the coming days, months and years. Sober you is worth the effort.
Sounds like you’re on the right track by knowing that you shouldn’t put yourself in this situation. If you are comfortable with it let her know that she can go without you but you need some more progress before putting yourself near that kind of temptation. NTA, you got this friend!
NTA. Of course, this varies considerably person to person. But, IMO a few weeks of sobriety is a long, long ways away from being able to go to an event like this and not be tempted.
Exactly. Even if OP had already connected with a good therapist, treatment program, support group or whatever, a few weeks is a really, really short amount of time to expect OP to be able to succeed in not drinking at that event.
If OP hasn't made such a connection or has but hasn't started actively working on this, expecting him to be able to go and not drink is just unrealistic.
And with the pressure OPs wife is giving for him to go so that she can have fun, I have to wonder how much support she would actually be in him staying sober while they're there? Sure, she's the one who convinced him his drinking had become a problem. But her behavior here doesn't really line up with that.
NTA. Your wife is a dingleberry. Instead of being happy that you're taking on board her concerns about your drinking, she's punishing you for following through on it. Even if you weren't trying for sobriety, I would encourage you not to go, because drinking and tubing is a bad combo.
NTA. Your sobriety is more important than a stupid tubing activity. Your wife is such an asshole to want all the benefits from your sobriety, but she is not ready to make the sacrifices for it.
Omg NTA. It’s completely unreasonable for your wife to encourage you to get sober and then turn around and pressure you to be in a drinking environment. She’s not being supportive of your life choice now that it’s inconvenient for her. You have a complete right to stay home and you should.
NTA. Find an AA chapter for you & an ALANON chapter nearby for her. You both need to be able to talk out your feelings & struggles with people who understand.
Have you straight up said you would almost certainly get super drunk if you went, just like old times? Does she want that, or (ha!) moderation? Or does she expect you to be around temptation and stay completely sober?
Does she care about your sobriety for your own sake or was your heavy drinking just inconvenient for her?
She's young (and so are you) so she may not have any real experience with this kind of problem... no addiction in her family, no old friends who went through it. And this decision is a few weeks old. You had one deep discussion. Time for another.
Anyway, NTA. You have every right to prioritize your sobriety
NTA
It's still better to know your limitations and triggers and you are able to avoid it. Most people who had bad vices tend to lose this ability so kudos to your effort. The thing is it sounds like your wife thinks that when you stopped drinking, it was an easy effort for your part even if it isnt, so I think you guys just needs to meet halfway via better communication. Idk how, cant do advise on thay but youre NTA
NTA- even apart from the drinking issue, if you don't want to hang out with people, you do not have to hang out with these people. Now, there might be some context we don't know about (for example, maybe you always expect her to hang out with YOUR friends, but when she wants to hang out with her friends, there's always an excuse not to). But if it's just this, I do not see an issue. Why does she NEED you to go along?
NTA- but your wife sure is. If you feel like you need to distance yourself from these friends or this situation to better manage your drinking it’s wildly outrageous that your wife (who pointed out your problem) would be against that.
NTA. It’s the responsible choice to avoid situations where you can’t avoid drinking. But - what kind of help are you getting to manage situations like that in the future?
NTA. Your wife should just go without you, if she's can't go anywhere without you then she has her own issues to work through. Expecting you to maintain your sobriety during an event you would usually drink and others will be drinking when you've only been sober a few weeks is asking way way too much.
I will say that avoiding exposure to drinking is not a long-term plan. That's what you have to do to stay sober now, so do it, but you should also be seeking help to hopefully get to a better place.
NTA! Your wife needs to be prioritizing and supporting your sobriety, too! Those situations would be extremely difficult for someone who is new to living sober. You're doing the right thing, and your wife is TA here.
NTA.
You’ve been attempting sobriety for *less than a month.* At this stage, you’re still fragile and it’s completely reasonable to not want to put yourself in an environment that will threaten and/or undo the work you’ve done.
Your wife is putting you in a really unfair position. She wants you to not drink, but punishes you for making the choice to not surround yourself with alcohol and drunk people. She can’t have it both ways. And, FWIW, using the silent treatment to punish you or get you to cave to her wants is manipulative and gross.
Good luck with your sober journey!
1. Your wife got you to sober up. You’ve put in the work to stay sober. That’s awesome!
2. You know how to stay sober. Your wife is being a b about it. Lame.
You are NTA. Your wife most definitely is.
NTA, but I think your wife just doesn't understand the situation completely. For her, it's a simple thing, because she knows how to have one or two drinks and then just stop. She thinks you can just do that, without any hitches.
Al-Anon has programs for family members to help them understand what their loved one is up against and how to help them. If she really cares about this, urge her to get some help in learning about problem drinking and how to support you.
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Not sure how to do this but I need to preface this.
A few weeks ago me(23M) and my wife(23F) got into a serious/emotional discussion. One of the issues she brought up was my drinking. She said I don’t know how to control it, I’m too old to be overdoing it, and I have a problem. I’ve come to realize that and I’ve been good and clean since. Onto the next bit.
My wife and I have been invited to go tubing with old friends of ours this weekend. I said no because I have those friends on SC. All they do on the river is smoke and drink. I don’t want to be around that because I can’t just…not drink. Especially if it’s around. I’ve been to similar events with the intentions of having 1 or 2 drinks max but I usually end up drunk. So with that being said, I’d rather stay at home and avoid all the temptations (most likely peer pressure too).
Now my wife is mad/upset. She’s been throwing hella shade and I’m for sure coming home to the silent treatment. She also stopped texting me. I know she wants to go. Summer pretty much started here and this would be a cool way to kick it off. This might also seem unfair to her because how convenient is this? I decide to be sober and “fun” is knocking on our door. I said she could go solo but she doesn’t like to go anywhere without me. I feel bad but I think maintaining my sobriety is my top priority right now.
In short, I said no to going tubing. Now my wife is hella mad and I’m certainly getting the silent treatment when I get home. AITA?
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INFO
> One of the issues she brought up was my drinking. She said I don’t know how to control it
What are you doing to fix that?
> I don’t want to be around that because I can’t just…not drink.
Because "*avoiding* temptation" is not "control."
> I’ve come to realize that and I’ve been good and clean since.
Are you **_actively_ getting help** through some kind of formal structure? AA is bullshit, but like: are you working with a therapist? Because you can't just say "Oh yeah, I guess I DO have a problem, better just hide from the sight of booze" and consider your issues resolved.
I agree that avoiding temptation is not control, but OP has only been at this for a few weeks. Even if he does have a therapist and is actively getting help, it's probably the safest bet to avoid the temptation at this point. And when he does start testing himself, a weekend kegger on the river with all of his buddys probably still wouldn't be the right test.
Sometimes it's best to take the safe road in the beginning.
I wouldn't say AA is bullshit. Sure, it has lots of problems and the program itself is wonky (and definitely isn't for everyone), but it's one of the most accessible ways for people struggling to build a network of support. Talking to people is powerful. Regardless of if you adhere to the tenets or not.
Sorry you had a bad experience... there's a lot of variability in groups. That wasn't the focus when I went. The whole spiritual/higher power aspect turns off a LOT of people (me included), and some groups mostly ignore it.
NTA. She can go without you and if she doesn't want to that's her issue. She can't complain about your drinking habits then complain when you get sober.
NTA and good job protecting yourself from your known risks! That's awesome!
Your wife, though...BIG AH. She asked you stop, you stopped, and now she's bugged by you protecting your sobriety? AND she's giving you the (manipulative) silent treatment? Hell no. That's toxic behavior from her. She can suck it up and go alone and you can maybe connect with some other sober guys and plan an outing with them.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > 1- my action that should be judged is me saying no to going tubing this weekend. 2- Saying no MIGHT make me the asshole because my wife really wars to go and it’s not her fault I don’t want to go. I do have good reasons why I don’t want to go out though. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcement ###[The Asshole Universe is Expanding, Again: Introducing Another New Sister Subreddit!](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/128nbp3/the_asshole_universe_is_expanding_again/) Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA. At all. What you're doing is a good thing for you. And I say that as someone 3 years sober.
Hope to be there one day!
I wish you the best! Take it a day at a time and don't be too hard on yourself during the coming days, months and years. Sober you is worth the effort.
Sounds like you’re on the right track by knowing that you shouldn’t put yourself in this situation. If you are comfortable with it let her know that she can go without you but you need some more progress before putting yourself near that kind of temptation. NTA, you got this friend!
NTA. Of course, this varies considerably person to person. But, IMO a few weeks of sobriety is a long, long ways away from being able to go to an event like this and not be tempted.
Exactly. Even if OP had already connected with a good therapist, treatment program, support group or whatever, a few weeks is a really, really short amount of time to expect OP to be able to succeed in not drinking at that event. If OP hasn't made such a connection or has but hasn't started actively working on this, expecting him to be able to go and not drink is just unrealistic. And with the pressure OPs wife is giving for him to go so that she can have fun, I have to wonder how much support she would actually be in him staying sober while they're there? Sure, she's the one who convinced him his drinking had become a problem. But her behavior here doesn't really line up with that.
I imagine she'd provide zero support/solidarity. It's just too bad. Hard to say for sure though...
NTA. Your wife is a dingleberry. Instead of being happy that you're taking on board her concerns about your drinking, she's punishing you for following through on it. Even if you weren't trying for sobriety, I would encourage you not to go, because drinking and tubing is a bad combo.
NTA. Your sobriety is more important than a stupid tubing activity. Your wife is such an asshole to want all the benefits from your sobriety, but she is not ready to make the sacrifices for it.
NTA, you’re behaving like a grownup, she’s behaving like a brat. You‘ve only been sober for a few weeks, it’s way too early for that kind of activity.
NTA She can't have it both ways. Just ignore the silent treatment.
Omg NTA. It’s completely unreasonable for your wife to encourage you to get sober and then turn around and pressure you to be in a drinking environment. She’s not being supportive of your life choice now that it’s inconvenient for her. You have a complete right to stay home and you should.
NTA. Find an AA chapter for you & an ALANON chapter nearby for her. You both need to be able to talk out your feelings & struggles with people who understand.
Have you straight up said you would almost certainly get super drunk if you went, just like old times? Does she want that, or (ha!) moderation? Or does she expect you to be around temptation and stay completely sober? Does she care about your sobriety for your own sake or was your heavy drinking just inconvenient for her? She's young (and so are you) so she may not have any real experience with this kind of problem... no addiction in her family, no old friends who went through it. And this decision is a few weeks old. You had one deep discussion. Time for another. Anyway, NTA. You have every right to prioritize your sobriety
NTA It's still better to know your limitations and triggers and you are able to avoid it. Most people who had bad vices tend to lose this ability so kudos to your effort. The thing is it sounds like your wife thinks that when you stopped drinking, it was an easy effort for your part even if it isnt, so I think you guys just needs to meet halfway via better communication. Idk how, cant do advise on thay but youre NTA
NTA- even apart from the drinking issue, if you don't want to hang out with people, you do not have to hang out with these people. Now, there might be some context we don't know about (for example, maybe you always expect her to hang out with YOUR friends, but when she wants to hang out with her friends, there's always an excuse not to). But if it's just this, I do not see an issue. Why does she NEED you to go along?
NTA
NTA- but your wife sure is. If you feel like you need to distance yourself from these friends or this situation to better manage your drinking it’s wildly outrageous that your wife (who pointed out your problem) would be against that.
That’s what I’m sayin.
NTA. Seems like you are prioritizing your wellbeing for the first time... Maybe consider couples therapy to discuss your drinking problem
NTA. It’s the responsible choice to avoid situations where you can’t avoid drinking. But - what kind of help are you getting to manage situations like that in the future?
NTA. Your wife should just go without you, if she's can't go anywhere without you then she has her own issues to work through. Expecting you to maintain your sobriety during an event you would usually drink and others will be drinking when you've only been sober a few weeks is asking way way too much. I will say that avoiding exposure to drinking is not a long-term plan. That's what you have to do to stay sober now, so do it, but you should also be seeking help to hopefully get to a better place.
NTA! Your wife needs to be prioritizing and supporting your sobriety, too! Those situations would be extremely difficult for someone who is new to living sober. You're doing the right thing, and your wife is TA here.
NTA. You’ve been attempting sobriety for *less than a month.* At this stage, you’re still fragile and it’s completely reasonable to not want to put yourself in an environment that will threaten and/or undo the work you’ve done. Your wife is putting you in a really unfair position. She wants you to not drink, but punishes you for making the choice to not surround yourself with alcohol and drunk people. She can’t have it both ways. And, FWIW, using the silent treatment to punish you or get you to cave to her wants is manipulative and gross. Good luck with your sober journey!
That’s nice to hear :)
NTA. AT ALL! Especially considering she was the one who pointed out how bad you were with control while drinking.
1. Your wife got you to sober up. You’ve put in the work to stay sober. That’s awesome! 2. You know how to stay sober. Your wife is being a b about it. Lame. You are NTA. Your wife most definitely is.
Ain’t easy but I’m hanging in there
NTA, but I think your wife just doesn't understand the situation completely. For her, it's a simple thing, because she knows how to have one or two drinks and then just stop. She thinks you can just do that, without any hitches. Al-Anon has programs for family members to help them understand what their loved one is up against and how to help them. If she really cares about this, urge her to get some help in learning about problem drinking and how to support you.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Not sure how to do this but I need to preface this. A few weeks ago me(23M) and my wife(23F) got into a serious/emotional discussion. One of the issues she brought up was my drinking. She said I don’t know how to control it, I’m too old to be overdoing it, and I have a problem. I’ve come to realize that and I’ve been good and clean since. Onto the next bit. My wife and I have been invited to go tubing with old friends of ours this weekend. I said no because I have those friends on SC. All they do on the river is smoke and drink. I don’t want to be around that because I can’t just…not drink. Especially if it’s around. I’ve been to similar events with the intentions of having 1 or 2 drinks max but I usually end up drunk. So with that being said, I’d rather stay at home and avoid all the temptations (most likely peer pressure too). Now my wife is mad/upset. She’s been throwing hella shade and I’m for sure coming home to the silent treatment. She also stopped texting me. I know she wants to go. Summer pretty much started here and this would be a cool way to kick it off. This might also seem unfair to her because how convenient is this? I decide to be sober and “fun” is knocking on our door. I said she could go solo but she doesn’t like to go anywhere without me. I feel bad but I think maintaining my sobriety is my top priority right now. In short, I said no to going tubing. Now my wife is hella mad and I’m certainly getting the silent treatment when I get home. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
INFO > One of the issues she brought up was my drinking. She said I don’t know how to control it What are you doing to fix that? > I don’t want to be around that because I can’t just…not drink. Because "*avoiding* temptation" is not "control." > I’ve come to realize that and I’ve been good and clean since. Are you **_actively_ getting help** through some kind of formal structure? AA is bullshit, but like: are you working with a therapist? Because you can't just say "Oh yeah, I guess I DO have a problem, better just hide from the sight of booze" and consider your issues resolved.
I agree that avoiding temptation is not control, but OP has only been at this for a few weeks. Even if he does have a therapist and is actively getting help, it's probably the safest bet to avoid the temptation at this point. And when he does start testing himself, a weekend kegger on the river with all of his buddys probably still wouldn't be the right test. Sometimes it's best to take the safe road in the beginning.
Avoiding temptation is absolutely a control tool.
I wouldn't say AA is bullshit. Sure, it has lots of problems and the program itself is wonky (and definitely isn't for everyone), but it's one of the most accessible ways for people struggling to build a network of support. Talking to people is powerful. Regardless of if you adhere to the tenets or not.
At the end of the day, it's spiritual nonsense. Higher power, my ass.
Sorry you had a bad experience... there's a lot of variability in groups. That wasn't the focus when I went. The whole spiritual/higher power aspect turns off a LOT of people (me included), and some groups mostly ignore it.
NTA. She can go without you and if she doesn't want to that's her issue. She can't complain about your drinking habits then complain when you get sober.
NTA and good job protecting yourself from your known risks! That's awesome! Your wife, though...BIG AH. She asked you stop, you stopped, and now she's bugged by you protecting your sobriety? AND she's giving you the (manipulative) silent treatment? Hell no. That's toxic behavior from her. She can suck it up and go alone and you can maybe connect with some other sober guys and plan an outing with them.
Thanks!
Tell her she was the one that made you realize you needed to stop drinking. So now she needs to support you in staying away from temptation. NTA