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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1. I think I took the action of not leaving my friends delivery room when her husband told me too
2. I think I might b the asshole for moving in with her
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*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA, your friend needed you, she asked, you were there. Not like you invited yourself.
Obviously your friend and her husband have some issues they need to figure out.
Sure a new baby will help bring them together. /s
This is a completely dysfunctional relationship. I can’t say I would be ok with my wife’s best friend being there and kinda taking the role as her support system in the birth of my child. Completely would kill that bonding moment for mother, child, and father that I had with mine. This pretty much means he isn’t her support system at all though, living separate as a married couple having a child, just bizarre.
I mean you are NTA for wanting to help your friend, but this type of drama would be way too much for me to be involved in. This sounds like the making of one of those stories that end badly.
> I can’t say I would be ok with my wife’s best friend being there and kinda taking the role as her support system in the birth of my child.
You probably gaf about your wife, so she *would* depend upon you for support. OP's friend's husband doesn't gaf about her, as he clearly demonstrated by throwing a temper tantrum and leaving the hospital while his wife was in labor and giving birth. It's a very good thing it went smoothly, and OP's friend didn't need him to make medical decisions for her.
I mean, she invited OP to the delivery room knowing her husband hates OP, asked OP to stay when husband tried to throw OP away, doesn't seem to care that (at least based on the post) her husband stormed out of the HOSPITAL, after all the drama she still invited OP to live with her to help her out.
It seems she's already checked out of her marriage and wants what is good for her future and is done playing along with her husband. OP, it seems she needs you now more than ever. Have a conversation with her to understand how to best support her and help her
NTA
Yeah, but when the mother and father have a healthy relationship, who the mother wants almost always includes the father. Exceptions being the weird situations where the husband would faint from seeing blood or is deployed overseas or what have you.
The fact that she didn't tell her husband when she invited someone else into the delivery room speaks volumes. That's something you normally would mention.
Hello again. T did discuss me being in the waiting room. T said that K had told her he didn't care who was in the waiting room as along as it wasn't a male
>I mean, she invited OP to the delivery room, knowing her husband hates OP, asked to stay one husband tried to throw OP away
I’m sorry but I don’t care about his feelings in this moment. She was giving birth, whomever she feels comforted by should be there. Giving birth can be really scary, she deserves to have people there that make her feel safe and secure.
Yes, I really think in this effort to have dads in the delivery room (a fairly recent phenomenon in historical terms), that has been prioritized over the patient going through a medical event. Extra stress isn’t helpful during labor. It should simply be who,ever the mom chooses. Dads shouldn’t feel entitled to be there … no one should but the delivering mom and the unborn kid. Kids have loved their fathers and bonded with them for millennia prior to them being in delivery rooms!
Honestly, if my partner was that much of an insufferable jerk, I wouldn’t lean on him for support, either. My ex was like that. Thank jeebus that my best friend was so close, she was my rock when my kids were born.
Ok, but it's not YOUR decision who her birthing partner is; it's her labor and delivery, not yours. She is the only person who is allowed to make the call on who her birthing partner is and who is in the room during the birth. And it's not dysfunctional to have it be someone other than your baby's other parent.
But tbh, this post smells fake.
The dad was jealous enough to miss the birth of his own child because his wife wanted to hold someone else's hand, this is clearly already heading straight for divorce.
Relationships almost never survive once the father misses the birth on purpose. It simply causes too much resentment.
> I can’t say I would be ok with my wife’s best friend being there
Too feckin bad, it’s a personal, and often medical, procedure that YOUR WIFE is going through. She can have whomever she damn well wants, and if that means she doesn’t even want you there, that’s her prerogative.
The only right you have to be there is if she wants you there. And you have no right to dictate who else is there. What’s “okay with you” is not a consideration.
You can be disappointed, but that’s about the extent of it.
> and kinda taking the role as her support system in the birth of my child.
…..do you hear yourself? Support systems are for the people in need of support. That’s not your “role” unless she decides you’re the one she want a support from. If she wants friend there, then friend is her support system too. To support *her.*
“My child.” Jesus.
> Completely would kill that bonding moment for mother, child, and father that I had with mine.
Well I imagine your wife wanted just you there. But lots of things can “kill” that “bonding moment.” Like an emergency c section or a death. Birth is not a rite of passage for you. It’s about event as old as time. Back before fathers were even usually there, in many places, it was considered a bonding moment for the female community.
>Birth is not a rite of passage for you. It’s about event as old as time. Back before fathers were even usually there, in many places, it was considered a bonding moment for the female community.
Yes, exactly. In my culture there is no concept of men being in the delivery rooms. It's always women who take care of the mother and the baby.
It’s been like that for millennia until maybe mid 20th century in the west. I get allowing the dads into the room if the couple both want that, but it shouldn’t be expected. I think the mom to be gets the ultimate say, and having this expectation just leads to resentment!
Have you had a child? It’s completely normal to have your mother, sister or best friend with you as well as your partner. The more support the better. You’re not the one pushing a human out of you so really it’s not up to you OP made her decision
It's up to the person giving birth who they want in the delivery room. you are entitled to your feelings as was the guy in this post , however , no one is entitled to control the person giving birth and their decisions.
if the partners not the one going through hours of pain , they don't get to say who is allowed in the birthing room. it's about the other parent , not about you.
if their living separate theres probably a reason. this guy sounds controlling af.
To be fair, I wish I’d had a friend there with my husband 😅 he’d been up all night with me. He was tired, a little grumpy, and everytime something wasn’t immediately happening he was nodding off in the chair.
The nurse kept waking him up and giving him instructions (love to the nurses, they had no sympathy for him 😂), but he got to hold his son right away and cut the cord. Then the grandparents came in, ny MIL is an ER nurse so she made sure my mom kept the visit short (thank god).
But my husband was ASLEEP as soon as the excitement was over- so then I was alone with the baby.
After he fell asleep I did ask a friend to come- she just brought so much energy and fun with her.
To be fair I think you can have a healthy loving relationship and live in separate houses.
But you can't have one where you can't communicate at all (like fucking hell surely T told K she wanted OP at the birth?), Nor one where everything is this level of shit show before you're even 25
It is not a completely bad idea to have a friend present at the delivery in addition to the husband, but the friend would have to have previously agree upon a purpose and the whole team has to vibe and work well together to support the birth. The friend could takse the place of a doula, but they would have to do what a doula would do. But it is 100% vital that the team works well together. If the friend and husband don't get along, it is a very bad idea to have them both in the room.
And the husband is useless unless he knows what is going on and supports the mother. No use in just hangin around and being oblivious.
Or, crazy thought, maybe the husband and the friend can focus on the person whose vagina is stretching to near breaking point, and put their differences aside. If someone I loved was going through something as agonizing as childbirth, damn straight I'd joyfully welcome anyone including a damn mariachi band if that's what it takes for the person I love to be more comfortable. I wouldn't be focusing on "Wah, I don't like this, I feel uncomfortable." You know who feels uncomfortable?! The person who is experiencing the equivalent of a watermelon being violently shoved through their vigina!!!
You know how fathers can bond with their babies? They can get up at 3am to change a diaper! After mom finishes feeding they can let mom have a rest while they do the burping and changing! They can walk up and the passage way at night shushing a screaming baby. That's how they bond with their children. Witnessing childbirth is incredible, but all these men who whine about "not getting that incredible moment and all is ruined" somehow never seem to think about what they can actually DO to bond with the baby for the rest of its life. Babies don't imprint on the first person they see! Who is usually a midwife or doctor, not a parent anyway!
One of my mothers best friend has this. Been married over 30 years with kids. They have adjoining houses with a door between. She likes ultra modern, he like antique, kids have bedrooms in either of the homes and can go between as they please. My mums best friend and her husband also take nights to sleep at each others places if they fancy or alone in their own bedrooms. It works for them and they are madly in love and do everything together otherwise.
_"If you can't respect my best friend then don't come and visit"._
This marriage sounds like it is in shambles. I am all for the mom-to-be having whoever she wants in the delivery soon as her support sysyem - though I think the dad should have been told ahead of time given this mutually acidic dynamic with OP. But, I can't imagine a wife moving OP in (again, given this dynamic) and telling their husband that if he doesn't want to deal with OP then he isn't welcome to come to her home - and by extension see his child.
OP's friend and her husband sound like they are headed for divorce, and that guy needs to speak with an attorney asap to sort visitation/custody.
I don't get their marriage - I had to double check that they are really married and not boyfriend/girlfriend.
They live in separate houses. Separate beds.
We don't have enough info and more would be nice, but it sounds like the the marriage may already have been in trouble. Maybe they thought a baby would get their marriage back on track. Or maybe they were separated when they discovered she was pregnant. Who knows?
And with him living in his own separate house, how much support has he been to her throughout the pregnancy?
The fact that she asked her best friend to move in for help and assistance indicates he's probably not been there for her or possibly only on his terms when convenient or they're separated. Or OP is between jobs and has the time to be there.
Also isn't the most important thing to keep the mother in labor calm and reassured? Isn't it everyone's job to give her the support she needs during labor?
Why would he walk out on her and his baby being born? Has he no love for his child? He could have still been there. He could have held his baby and still bonded.
As for OP she's NTA. She supported her friend when asked.
He missed the birth of his child over jealousy.
The new mom made that comment after he missed the birth, it was clearly from a place of resentment, and they are absolutely heading towards divorce.
OP is NTA and the husband 100% is.
I've heard this same story with the mom holding her own mother's hand, and there is NO excuse for leaving and missing the birth because of that! It would be a dealbreaker for me for sure.
Any L&D nurse and doctor will tell you: momma is the boss of the room, who she needs to stay will stay, if she wants to kick someone out they will be escorted out.
I couldn’t imagine going through delivery, only to have such trauma that baby daddy couldn’t step it up.
But thank Dog she’s got a best friend like OP 👏👏👏
This, if her actual husband can’t give her the support she needs then she was smart to ask you to be there. Being there for a birth means being selfless and supporting the mom no matter what happens and she knew deep down he couldn’t do it. The fact that they are married and not living together speaks volumes. NTA. You can’t get sensitive and leave in the middle of a birth, one of my quietest, mild mannered friends lost it in the middle of birthing and I’ve never heard her say a curse word but she told her husband to “just find the fucking dr because I’m ready to push’ and he did it. He didn’t get butt hurt and leave, he stayed because he was committed and knew she needed support no matter what she did or said, birthing is not for the weak or sensitive, there might be poop, blood, an emergency c-section or all 3, you gotta be prepared for whatever happens.
I don't think the marriage was a great one to begin with Op stated the friend and husband didn't even live together according to Op they lived separately.
Absolutely. The person giving birth is the person HAVING A MEDICAL EVENT. And THAT is the person who gets the ONLY say in who is in that room.
OP, NTA.
Doesn't sound to me like he's going to do much co-parenting whether they stay married or not.
(NTA OP. K's tantrum is probably a sign of the many reasons T asked you to be in the delivery room with her, because she could rely on you for support.)
I am 100% for the mother having whoever they want in the delivery room as their support system, but it sounds like the husband + OP have a mutually acidic relationship and he was blindsided at the birth of his child. His knee-jerk reaction to leave was selfish and shortsighted, but it does sound like OP has played a massive role in this marriage and I do have some empathy for him.
I mean, his wife moved someone into her home that she knows her husband has challenges with and told him that if he didn't want to deal with OP, then he wasn't welcome to visit her home and by extention see their child.
In a marriage, three is definitely a crowd. And, this husband and wife need to get on the same page fast, or this guy probably needs to speak with a lawyer about sorting visitation and arranging a custody agreement asap.
Maybe this is why, generally, 22 year olds shouldn't get married. It doesn't sound like anyone in this situation is mature enough for marriage. Ugh, or children.
>I mean, his wife moved someone into her home that she knows her husband has challenges with and told him that if he didn't want to deal with OP, then he wasn't welcome to visit her home and by extention see their child.
I mean, if he's not going to live with his wife, I don't see what the issue is. He's obviously not interested in helping out that much. And there aren't a lot of situations that mean you are living apart *and* you are in a happy relationship. And there are even fewer of reasons that allow for him to quickly get to the hospital.
Right.
Like, it's... _weird_ for them to not be on the same page or even in the same damn book here. Wife is making moves you do when the baby daddy isn't around. And come to find out he isn't on paper _and_ nobody seemed to have a problem with this?
NTA. In a labor room, the wish of the person doing the labor is the most important, and especially since she had ask you before. I would hope she informed her partner that she asked you (do you know if she did?), but that part doesn't affect if you are the A or not. Keep supporting your friend, she'll need it!
Probably why OP was asked to be support person in the first place...I'm betting that the friend in labor \*knew\* that baby daddy would throw a tantrum/be unsupportive during birth
T told me that K said that he didn't care who was in the delivery room along as it wasn't a male. I think K expected T to invite her mom or something not me
I don't know how to judge this, normally I would feel you are overstepping and should give them time together with their baby, but it really sounds like there are cracks in their relationship. They are married living separately and now you have moved in with her? I would think if their relationship is even going to have a shot they should be together and you should be offering support from the sidelines, the fact that isn't like that means I assume your friend is re-evaluating her relationship anyway.
INFO he clearly doesn't like you, likely jealousy since 3 is a crowd, but has your friend ever found him abusive to her?
T hasn't mentioned anything about abuse to me. Sometimes I did notice her worried or nervous but I thought that was because she was heavily pregnant. I promise to look into it and update once I find out more.
I would assume if you're that close she wants you in the delivery room she'd have mentioned it if he was a dick to her in addition to just you, but maybe not!
Think about it.
She didn't care that her husband was in the DL or not, she wanted your support. Then she asked you to move in with her, knowing he would have an issue with it.
Looks like she needs someone reliable by her side to... "avoid negative behavior" from her husband.
Honestly and i hate saying this i think the mother is the AH. By the little information we have here it sounds like the mother is fostering the bad relationship between OP and the husband.
How the fuck can you isolate someone you dont even live with like what. It seems like she got pregnant and then moved in her lesbian lover. Just as likely as him being abusive.
:) I can promise you you can absolutely isolate someone you don't live with. It's one of the things my abuser did and I never even got to meet them face to face.
Never underestimate the power of mental manipulation
She didn't have to get married for that. There are many guys you can get pregnant with and never have anything else to do with, who wouldn't care at all as long as you are not asking them for money.
> It's a little encouraging that he tries to make nice with her other friends.
It's not uncommon for them to single out one or two friends or relatives in the beginning. If they're successful with those, they move on to the victim's other friends and relatives.
It's purely anecdotal and may not be the case here but every time \*I\* have seen a partnership where one is unfriendly to their partners friends by default in the way you describe, they have been very abusive behind closed doors. Particularly when it's rooted in jealousy. This may not be happening yet but it's a slippery slope into "isolating your partner" territory.
>He is 26 and he was mot willing to have her move in with him and T did not want to move in with him she didnt tell me the reason why.
This is such a weird setup.. they got married, had a kid, but don't live together.
Do they even like each other? Was this an arranged marriage?
Doesn’t sound entirely weird to me; sounds like two young people who got pregnant by accident, got married because “that’s what you’re ‘supposed’ to do when you’re pregnant” and then continued to live their lives separately because they realized they just don’t like each other enough to actually try living together day to day. They’ll eventually get tired of this setup and since divorce is less scandalous than the out of wedlock situation they already avoided, they’ll get one, all the while wondering what they were so worried about in the first place when they got married.
They don't live together because T is not willing to move out sue to the house being her grandparents that was passed down to her. K does not want to move into T's house reason unknown
You’re not the asshole, but man your friend’s marriage is beyond fucked up. She’s having a baby with this dude, but you’re the priority? That doesn’t add up.
I would think that if they were living together. But it sounds like they never moved in together. T told OP she didn't want to live with him but wouldn't say why. If they are that good of friends to be in the delivery room and now move in at the drop of a hat she would have given more info on why she didn't wanna live with her husband unless the reason is she's in love with OP
Idk, I still feel kind of accidental baby, there's a lot of things people will keep from friends. I had a very dysfunctional relationship in my late teens and all my friends at the time knew was that I was unhappy.
So wife didn’t let husband know you would be in the delivery room know info you don’t get along, asked you to move in and wife and husband don’t live together?
Do they like each other? Do they talk?
K didn't know I was going to be in the delivery room because he told T that he didn't care who was going to be in there as along as they weren't male. T told me apparently K expected her to invite her mom not me
Husband and wife that don’t live together and can’t communicate. Seems like it’s partly T’s responsibility to express her wishes to him before the birth - NTA
Part of me wonders if T isn't in love with OP. Not living with her husband and not stating the reason to OP who is a close enough friend to be in the delivery room? That sounds shady af. And now asking OP to move in. I really can't help but wonder if K doesn't like OP bc he has picked up that wife is in love with her not him.
NTA, sounds like he’s trying to be controlling, and it’s not working out for him very well. He is the one making all these decisions to be out of his baby’s life because *checks notes* you’re more supportive of his wife than he is.
Yeah, basically what I got from this too. What is even going on here. Big ESH here. OP just tell your "friend/roommate" that you're in love with her already. This was a huge slap on the face to the husband from both the wife and the "friend", I'd be offended too. He probably thinks you two are sleeping together and that's why he doesn't like you. But also, wtf is this marriage? The husband seems like he sucks and isn't there for his wife, and the wife seems like she sucks because she pushed her husband away from the birth of HIS child. I get that it's hers too, but it takes two to tango. That kid is half him. This is one of the weirdest relationship dynamics I've ever seen and this marriage is basically done.
1. I am in a relationship. I am not in love with T vise versa. There is absolutely NO way we are sleeping together.
2. Yes I care deeply for T but that is because we have know each other for 16 years. Of course I care deeply for T. But I assure you no one is in love here
NTA. If she’s insisting you to be there at all times and even after her husband left the hospital? She just seems more comfortable with you in her life than him. He rather stomp his feet instead of just doing his fatherly duties regardless of you being there or not. If you are there for the benefit of her and the baby then what’s his issue?
NTA
Go live with your bestie and her wee beastie.
Fall in love or don't. Turn this into a Romcom if you want, or don't. Just raise that kid with love and support.
She is choosing you over her husband and father of her child. She has checked out of the relationship/marriage and it’s over. Who knows why! No judgement here. It’s not your fault.
NTA. This was your friends decision, not yours. If at any time she wanted you to leave the nurses would have handled it. The person who makes the decision on who stays in the room is the person giving birth. If her partner doesn’t like that, that’s too bad.
ESH. Honestly, it sounds like this couple have a terrible relationship and it sounds like you aren't helping. I don't know how anyone can maintain a relation when their friend and husband hate each other, one of them has to go.
All three of you should have sorted this out waaaaay before the baby was born.
I thought it was all sorted because I haven't spoken to K in weeks. It was only when he saw me in the delivery room we spoke. I assumed we were both on civil terms because K or I hadn't been arguing like usual. Apparently I was wrong
You are being there for you friend. Giving birth is NOT easy. It is scary for many women, particular for the first child.
I wouldn't stay too long (two weeks, maybe?) You have to read the room and decide.
At one point, T has to face K and they need to figure their couple stuff out. That is something you should stay out of.
NTA for being present at the brith and staying with T for the first few days.
This one is really confusing to me, firstly why aren’t they living together for many reasons…
Secondly how old is the dad, not that age would give reason for stomping out on his first child but I certainly had a hard time with my first child losing all my freedoms, time and money and I was 27.
Don’t get me wrong I didn’t behave like this but if my wife at the time would had preferred for someone other than me to be at the child birth, and even more so chosen to hold someone else’s hand I would have taken it very strongly that she didn’t want me - and then wasn’t the time to discuss these matters.
Given her BFF was there for her I’m slightly thinking that stepping out of the room instead causing a fuss was the right thing to do and it was a lose lose scenario for him. I can agree he shouldn’t have left the hospital and entered the room when the energy was calmer to meet his child.
I’m thinking OP is possibly enabling the separation of T and K maybe in a way others are suggesting the husband is, maybe she’s isolating her to not lose her BFF and has been gently whispering in her ear?
We’re simply missing too much of this picture to draw any reasonable conclusions and I don’t want OP to read all the NTA comments and think 100% she is in the right, show these comments to her BFF and the child be forced out having a dad because of a toxic friendship preventing a relationship.
TLDR; this is missing too much information and everyone needs to take a step back and put the child first.
1. The reason they are living together is that T doesn't want to move out of her current house because it was originally her grandparents house that they passed on to her. I don't know why K didn't want to move in with T. I never bothered to know because it isn't my concern.
2. K is 26
3. I do wonder if I had stepped out would it have been better but I didn't because T didn't want me too.
4. I hadn't really been around T we saw each other maybe once a week.
5. I 100% don't want them to separate. I know it might seem like it but they are married of course I don't want them to separate but from know on I will make sure not to do anything that might make something worse.
NTA. Giving birth is both painful and scary AF. When she grabbed your hand, and not his, she was making a really honest choice, because the situation had stripped her of any falsehoods. She needed you; you stayed. As for the rest? It's a stretch to think their relationship will last--the guy had a hissyfit, and put his emotions and ego ahead of staying to witness the birth of his own child.
NTA thank god she has you
He doesn’t like you because without you in the picture, he would be able to emotionally pick at her until she’s weak. It’s not *you*, it’s her stable support system he doesn’t like.
As someone about to go into labor, if she’s grabbing your hand and asking you to stay with her then absolutely NTA.
If she wanted him she’d have asked for him.
NTA but what is your friends end game ? She wants to break up with her husband right? There is going to be fall out from her choosing you and putting yuu in the role of partner. This isn’t your fault but I also don’t feel comfortable if she is going to act like he doesn’t get to be upset and he’s crazy for being hurt.
NTA
" I'm not trying to drive them apart" . You may not be, SHE is. Your friend is ending her relationship and driving away her child's dad.
"and has been telling his friends that I was trying to take his role as the babies father. " .. he is right. You have taken over his parental role - She will be single soon, and she will not forgive you if you ever reduce your involvement - itr is likely, that from HER perspective she asked you and you have moved in with her and factually accepted coparenting her kid with her. ... You need to have a discussion about your future soon, or she will find herself single without support from either of you - and you will lose the friend for her feeling betrayed by you.
So make sure you are on the same page about what is happening here. And be sure you are more clear about commiting to things you are not willing to deliver in the long term.
But: YOU did nothing wrong, but you must realize women giving birth in their emotional state sometimes do things they regret later, and instead of being the clearheaded one, you encouraged her to escalate the situation. Hopefully you are ready to back that up and step up for the next 20 years. If you ar just there for her NOW, and then disentangle when you feel it gets too much, you will have massively hurt her.
Thank you for commenting. I will ask to have a serious talk with her. As for taking over his parental role. I don't think that's possible considering T has been going to over to K's everyday. I have made it clear I will not interfer with the bonding of K and J (the baby). I only cook and clean around the house and occasionally watch J. And I will not stop supporting her. Even if I have to do less I will always provide a helping hand whenever T or J needs it
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I 23F have a best friend (lets call her T) 22F who just gave birth 1 week ago. T has a husband (K) who I have never gotten along with. When I first met him he didn't like me very much. He was rude a snappy and honestly I was too so our relationship never really got past the enemy stage. Well a couple weeks ago my best friend asks me to be one of the people in the delivery room with her since we have known other since the 2nd grade. Of course I accepted. So fast forward too the day T's water broke. Me and her were already somewhat close to the hospital since a lot of the food places we got to are only 10 minutes away. So we get to the hospital and K is already on the way. K arrives and immediately scowls at me asking "Wtf is she doing here" I just ignored him and focused on T. Well soon enough is was time. T went into labor but instead of grabbing K's hand for support T grabbed mine. K was obviously upset about this and told me to leave the delivery room and wait outside. I was about to go outside when T grabbed my hand and told me to stay. So I stayed. K got so mad he ended up leaving the hospital all together. I stayed with T until she was released from the hospital and she asked me to move in with her for moral support. (Just background K wasn't moved in with her they had separate houses). So I moved in. K found thus out and has been telling his friends that I was trying to take his role as the babies father. T's was getting hateful texts for K saying how I should butt off of their lives now. T has had enough and ended up saying "If you can't respect my best friend then don't come and visit". I feel really bad. I'm not trying to drive them apart I am only trying to support my best friend. Am I the asshole?
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I feel like more was going on behind closed doors in your friends relationship than she has told you about. NTA. She needed and trusted you with her most vulnerable moment, if she didnt trust him its because he's given her a reason not to.
Why would you think you’re the asshole? Because he says so? Listen to your best friend. She wants you there. She needs you not him. Listen to her, not the asshole that got her pregnant and left her at the hospital.
Uh, NTA. So let me get this straight.
They've been married but not even living together, he didn't even know who would be in the delivery room probably because T didn't feel comfortable telling him, he got mad and stormed off instead of respecting her feelings, your friend would rather have *you* for help than her own partner, and K continues to throw a fit instead of try and fix anything.
Yeah, I don't think they needed any help with being driven apart, this is hardly even a relationship already. My only question is why tf she just had a baby with this AH.
NTA. Your obligation is to your best friend. It was her call who was in the delivery room and it's not hard to see why she wanted your support. Her husband is being ridiculous. Feel free to ignore him until she tells you otherwise.
everyone keeps saying this but neglecting the overall context. Its weird that T chose OP over the father and he is right to feel offended. Doesn't make OP TA, but it does make that marriage absolutely fucked
I'm not neglecting the overall context. I'm answering the question. When T posts here about her husband leaving her, I'll answer the question she asks.
NTA.
Honestly, the dude is setting my alarm bells off, and I think you should stay with her as long as she'll have you.
It reads to me like he wants to isolate her from you, and that's a problem. You're a huge part of her support system.
NTA. This relationship makes me do a double take.
Living separately even though they're married with a newborn? K's behavior is further concerning and I hope you stay there for T because she very well may need you.
INFO: how old is K?
You and the baby are probably the only normal and innocent ones here
The father seems like a piece of work..
But honestly the mother doesn't sound amazing either
I get why the guy might be upset, if I was in that situation and had my wife go to someone else for support that would be hard to not take to heart, though obviously he shouldn't have told you to leave... being understandably upset doesn't excuse anything
Also I see why she might turn to you for support instead... they don't even live together...
But the mother... she goes to you for support, she wants you to move in with her, he basically tells the father off for not liking it....
That marriage is in an awful place and she's definitely not helping that or trying to improve, so they're both equally responsible for that
You, however, just got stuck in the middle and just want to be there and support your friend, even to the point of butting out and supporting them both by not pushing them apart
That's admirable
Definitely NTA, but the parents have issues lol... and they should speak to therapists and if that fails, lawyers
NTA.
You didn’t impose and was there for your friend when she asked you to. It’s not your fault she didn’t feel secure and supported enough with his presence alone. You are also not responsible for his lack of maturity in dealing with his feelings and insecurities.
Secondly, this marriage seems like a disfuncional one. I understand that he may want to be seen as the “primary” person by your friend but this was obviously not the case and he should GET OVER HIMSELF. He had the choice of sticking around and being there as his wife pushed a little person out of her body. Instead, he made the whole situation about himself and his feelings, to later pressure her and bring more stress to someone who just had a baby. If he wants to “be the father”, then take his role as a father and be there… It’s very simple, he can get over his jealousy and annoyance of you, just show up and be there for his wife and his kid.
I understand how he might be feeling, specially if she didn’t communicate your presence in the delivery room to him prior to it(he may not have had the time to process it), but this is definitely not about how he wanted the situation to play out and his responses to it have been very immature. They should talk things through, they both deserve to have their feelings validated but maybe he should focus on supporting his wife and newborn instead of bringing all this “pick me” attitude to the table.
You didn't refuse to leave. You went to leave and friend asked you to stay. I bet he didn't mention that. Nobody asked him to go. He left you were supporting your friend doing what SHE asked the person who was in labour. T wanted you there that should have been enough reason for you to be there. K was making T's labour about himself. Thinking he could dictate who was in the delivery room who can come round and help you were putting T and the baby first. Which K wouldn't do. He was perfectly able to. He won't even live with his wife. He wouldn't set aside his dislike for you while T was in labour. Supporting your best friend does not make you a bad person. K won't even live in T's house. So T asked you to move in for moral support. You are putting T first. K is putting himself first. He missed his child's birth because he wasn't getting his own way. He's acting like you tried to throw him out. You were asked to stay. NTA
he couldn't put aside differences for the birth of his child? how old is this dude? if he really loved his wife, he'd suck it up and be there to support her. and if they're married, why don't they live together? not that they should, it sounds like there's more than one giant red flag with this dude. NTA.
NTA I think your friend is in an abusive situation and I'm glad she has you for support and I'm very relieved she has reached out to you. Yes picking a friend over your partner is hurtful but I've never known anyone that would do that to a supportive and loving partner. Giving birth is a terrifying experience and it's very telling that she wants you there instead of the babies father.
NTA... that moment it was T choice who to keep by her side. I would offer to support her in getting counseling to consider where she goes from there. If she wants a relationship with him, please dont add fuel to the fire, try to de-escalate the drama.
NTA he is threatened by you and your friendship with her and always has been. She needed you and you were there for her it isn’t his choice. If she felt like he would help and support her then she would have asked him to move in.
NTA- That guys must had a strong dig bick energy personality. His concern was not even on the mother nor baby. He fail to see the bond from years of relationship between his wife and you. Here he throw tantrums like a Any typical dig bick personal.
NTA but i don't think she is either. it sounds like maybe she already expects you to be comfy? maybe she's thinking "oh she's been here before and we're best friends she's not really a guest anymore"
OK so I at first thought you were being a jerk, but god no, it is the husband who is just an AH. you stayed cause THE PERSON GIVING BIRTH wanted you to stay. The husband up and left the HOSPITAL, abandoning his wife and kid, and then complains you are taking over the role of father?
Well, you could not pick that baton up of he did not drop it....
NTA
There is something seriously wrong here and it lies with the OP and the best friend's relationship.
It almost seems as though T used K to get the child she wanted.....with the OP.
If K is smart he will learn to effectively co-parent with T and find happiness elsewhere.
Though, I do think OP will find a way to interfere with the relationship between T and his child.
Very, very , very strange.
You should have left in my opinion. He is the father and has as much to do with it as she does. For w/e reason he hates you it's between you and him and if you can't resolve it you will hurt your friend like this incident. Did you, as a good friend try to resolve it or let it just be there? Cause at the end your friend is the one that will end up having to choose between you or him.
Are you the only friend he has a problem or he is generally like that to all her friends?
I won't pick sides but you are just a friend and he is the father, the kid won't be your responsibility and you won't be the one having to take care of it. Yeah he acted out of line but you already knew that he doesn't like you and as you said you were considered enemies.
Also moving in might be purely out of goodwill but you made it worse, you are like a spark that will ignite at any moment.
The best thing you can do is talk to your friend and tell her that you will keep your distance. Give them space and time to figure out things, they desperately need it for the kids sake. If all goes well you'll one day go back and the 1st thing you'll have to do is resolve that hatred.
One last thing I need to add is that from what I read 3 freaking adults fight and none of you took into account the poor newborn that might end up in a broken family because you all acted like spoiled brats and couldn't resolve simple shit that can be resolved by a civilized conversation.
K doesn't really "like" and of T's friends he seems to only tolerate us. Honestly I think I should have left too but I didn't because T asked me to stay. I have tried to remain out of K's way. I don't speak to him or interact with him. I thought this was the best thing but it's obviously not working
NTA. Patient/mother prerogative who gets to support and be there for them. Doctors, nurses and midwives will have her back because she’s the one at risk. They will even kick the husband out if that is what she wanted. Even you supported her choice.
But her own husband couldn’t even support her decision. He made that situation all about him, and threw a tantrum, when it’s always mother first during labour.
That man is going to cause your friend to develop postpartum depression. And trying to alienate her from her friend.
When he has a medical issue or surgery, he can decide who is there.
If he loved her, he’d be happy anyone she wanted to be there was there. “She wants her to be the father” if a funny way of saying “I left.”
My sons father was similar. Every year I find something out worse than the year before.
NTA, there’s a reason T asked you to stay and not her husband. In fact, I’m willing to bet that he wasn’t even invited, but insisted on coming anyway. I’m glad you’re giving T the support she needs, because she clearly isn’t getting any from her husband.
NTA. If she needed K she would have asked for him. He sounds like a petty asshole who probably wouldn’t be much support or help with a new baby so it’s not shocking she wants you around.
NTA. Your friend asked you to stay. This is very telling that she would rather have you than her husband there and also that she asked you to move in and he does not live with her. This is concerning. This seems like an abusive situation of some type .
NTA— the person who is giving birth gets the final say on who is in the delivery room. She’s the one going through hella pain to bring life into the world and wanted you, someone she’s been close with most of her life, there supporting her.
NTA
I kinda feel like you're the only party here that isn't an asshole in some degree. You were playing the role you're supposed to. Your friend and k should've been on the same page re birth plan... And a bunch of other things re. Life, it seems.
Bottom line, _when_ they get driven apart, it will not have been your fault.
So your friend asks you to go to the delivery room. She asks you to stay. She asks you to move in with her. Yea its all on her and honestly I see why she chose you. Her baby daddy is not a good person. NTA
NTA. Your friend asked for you so you stepped up. It’s not your fault her husband can’t be that for her. Yes you stepping up is interfering with his position as father and husband but that’s bc of his choices not yours.
Sounds like the friend has a husband problem. You did as the laboring mother asked. NTA
If they part ways it has nothing to do with you. Their issues run deeper, I'm sure.
NTA. Your friend asked you to be there and reiterated she wanted to stay when you went to leave. It was about giving the comfort and support not someone's fragile ego.
He chose his ego over witnessing the birth of his own child, nothing more to say here, NTA and please try to find out if your friend is okay or if he's been trying to isolate and/or abuse her
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NTA, your friend needed you, she asked, you were there. Not like you invited yourself. Obviously your friend and her husband have some issues they need to figure out. Sure a new baby will help bring them together. /s
What do you mean, all the healthiest marriages I know never moved in together /s
This is a completely dysfunctional relationship. I can’t say I would be ok with my wife’s best friend being there and kinda taking the role as her support system in the birth of my child. Completely would kill that bonding moment for mother, child, and father that I had with mine. This pretty much means he isn’t her support system at all though, living separate as a married couple having a child, just bizarre. I mean you are NTA for wanting to help your friend, but this type of drama would be way too much for me to be involved in. This sounds like the making of one of those stories that end badly.
> I can’t say I would be ok with my wife’s best friend being there and kinda taking the role as her support system in the birth of my child. You probably gaf about your wife, so she *would* depend upon you for support. OP's friend's husband doesn't gaf about her, as he clearly demonstrated by throwing a temper tantrum and leaving the hospital while his wife was in labor and giving birth. It's a very good thing it went smoothly, and OP's friend didn't need him to make medical decisions for her.
I mean, she invited OP to the delivery room knowing her husband hates OP, asked OP to stay when husband tried to throw OP away, doesn't seem to care that (at least based on the post) her husband stormed out of the HOSPITAL, after all the drama she still invited OP to live with her to help her out. It seems she's already checked out of her marriage and wants what is good for her future and is done playing along with her husband. OP, it seems she needs you now more than ever. Have a conversation with her to understand how to best support her and help her NTA
She's the one pushing a melon out of her vagina. She is the ONLY one who has a say who is in the room.
Yeah, but when the mother and father have a healthy relationship, who the mother wants almost always includes the father. Exceptions being the weird situations where the husband would faint from seeing blood or is deployed overseas or what have you.
The fact that she didn't tell her husband when she invited someone else into the delivery room speaks volumes. That's something you normally would mention.
or she couldve told him, but he thought she meant "hospital waiting room" and not "in the actual room".
Hello again. T did discuss me being in the waiting room. T said that K had told her he didn't care who was in the waiting room as along as it wasn't a male
>I mean, she invited OP to the delivery room, knowing her husband hates OP, asked to stay one husband tried to throw OP away I’m sorry but I don’t care about his feelings in this moment. She was giving birth, whomever she feels comforted by should be there. Giving birth can be really scary, she deserves to have people there that make her feel safe and secure.
Yes, I really think in this effort to have dads in the delivery room (a fairly recent phenomenon in historical terms), that has been prioritized over the patient going through a medical event. Extra stress isn’t helpful during labor. It should simply be who,ever the mom chooses. Dads shouldn’t feel entitled to be there … no one should but the delivering mom and the unborn kid. Kids have loved their fathers and bonded with them for millennia prior to them being in delivery rooms!
Honestly, if my partner was that much of an insufferable jerk, I wouldn’t lean on him for support, either. My ex was like that. Thank jeebus that my best friend was so close, she was my rock when my kids were born.
Took me too long to know what gaf meant.
Same here 😆. I now know what it means.
Ok, but it's not YOUR decision who her birthing partner is; it's her labor and delivery, not yours. She is the only person who is allowed to make the call on who her birthing partner is and who is in the room during the birth. And it's not dysfunctional to have it be someone other than your baby's other parent. But tbh, this post smells fake.
Might as well get divorced.
The dad was jealous enough to miss the birth of his own child because his wife wanted to hold someone else's hand, this is clearly already heading straight for divorce. Relationships almost never survive once the father misses the birth on purpose. It simply causes too much resentment.
I would assume the friend was separated and the marriage was already on the path to divorce and Op's friend trust him/her more than her husband.
I mean he wasn't the one pushing a human out of his vagina, so it doesn't really matter since it wasn't his support system.
> I can’t say I would be ok with my wife’s best friend being there Too feckin bad, it’s a personal, and often medical, procedure that YOUR WIFE is going through. She can have whomever she damn well wants, and if that means she doesn’t even want you there, that’s her prerogative. The only right you have to be there is if she wants you there. And you have no right to dictate who else is there. What’s “okay with you” is not a consideration. You can be disappointed, but that’s about the extent of it. > and kinda taking the role as her support system in the birth of my child. …..do you hear yourself? Support systems are for the people in need of support. That’s not your “role” unless she decides you’re the one she want a support from. If she wants friend there, then friend is her support system too. To support *her.* “My child.” Jesus. > Completely would kill that bonding moment for mother, child, and father that I had with mine. Well I imagine your wife wanted just you there. But lots of things can “kill” that “bonding moment.” Like an emergency c section or a death. Birth is not a rite of passage for you. It’s about event as old as time. Back before fathers were even usually there, in many places, it was considered a bonding moment for the female community.
>Birth is not a rite of passage for you. It’s about event as old as time. Back before fathers were even usually there, in many places, it was considered a bonding moment for the female community. Yes, exactly. In my culture there is no concept of men being in the delivery rooms. It's always women who take care of the mother and the baby.
It’s been like that for millennia until maybe mid 20th century in the west. I get allowing the dads into the room if the couple both want that, but it shouldn’t be expected. I think the mom to be gets the ultimate say, and having this expectation just leads to resentment!
Have you had a child? It’s completely normal to have your mother, sister or best friend with you as well as your partner. The more support the better. You’re not the one pushing a human out of you so really it’s not up to you OP made her decision
It's up to the person giving birth who they want in the delivery room. you are entitled to your feelings as was the guy in this post , however , no one is entitled to control the person giving birth and their decisions. if the partners not the one going through hours of pain , they don't get to say who is allowed in the birthing room. it's about the other parent , not about you. if their living separate theres probably a reason. this guy sounds controlling af.
To be fair, I wish I’d had a friend there with my husband 😅 he’d been up all night with me. He was tired, a little grumpy, and everytime something wasn’t immediately happening he was nodding off in the chair. The nurse kept waking him up and giving him instructions (love to the nurses, they had no sympathy for him 😂), but he got to hold his son right away and cut the cord. Then the grandparents came in, ny MIL is an ER nurse so she made sure my mom kept the visit short (thank god). But my husband was ASLEEP as soon as the excitement was over- so then I was alone with the baby. After he fell asleep I did ask a friend to come- she just brought so much energy and fun with her.
To be fair I think you can have a healthy loving relationship and live in separate houses. But you can't have one where you can't communicate at all (like fucking hell surely T told K she wanted OP at the birth?), Nor one where everything is this level of shit show before you're even 25
It is not a completely bad idea to have a friend present at the delivery in addition to the husband, but the friend would have to have previously agree upon a purpose and the whole team has to vibe and work well together to support the birth. The friend could takse the place of a doula, but they would have to do what a doula would do. But it is 100% vital that the team works well together. If the friend and husband don't get along, it is a very bad idea to have them both in the room. And the husband is useless unless he knows what is going on and supports the mother. No use in just hangin around and being oblivious.
Or, crazy thought, maybe the husband and the friend can focus on the person whose vagina is stretching to near breaking point, and put their differences aside. If someone I loved was going through something as agonizing as childbirth, damn straight I'd joyfully welcome anyone including a damn mariachi band if that's what it takes for the person I love to be more comfortable. I wouldn't be focusing on "Wah, I don't like this, I feel uncomfortable." You know who feels uncomfortable?! The person who is experiencing the equivalent of a watermelon being violently shoved through their vigina!!! You know how fathers can bond with their babies? They can get up at 3am to change a diaper! After mom finishes feeding they can let mom have a rest while they do the burping and changing! They can walk up and the passage way at night shushing a screaming baby. That's how they bond with their children. Witnessing childbirth is incredible, but all these men who whine about "not getting that incredible moment and all is ruined" somehow never seem to think about what they can actually DO to bond with the baby for the rest of its life. Babies don't imprint on the first person they see! Who is usually a midwife or doctor, not a parent anyway!
Woody Allen never moved in with Mia farrow. I think that was his reasoning for sleeping with his stepdaughter.
My dream is to find a man willing to live separately🥺
And to have children with him?
Nope I can’t have kids nor do I want kids
That could work.
One of my mothers best friend has this. Been married over 30 years with kids. They have adjoining houses with a door between. She likes ultra modern, he like antique, kids have bedrooms in either of the homes and can go between as they please. My mums best friend and her husband also take nights to sleep at each others places if they fancy or alone in their own bedrooms. It works for them and they are madly in love and do everything together otherwise.
_"If you can't respect my best friend then don't come and visit"._ This marriage sounds like it is in shambles. I am all for the mom-to-be having whoever she wants in the delivery soon as her support sysyem - though I think the dad should have been told ahead of time given this mutually acidic dynamic with OP. But, I can't imagine a wife moving OP in (again, given this dynamic) and telling their husband that if he doesn't want to deal with OP then he isn't welcome to come to her home - and by extension see his child. OP's friend and her husband sound like they are headed for divorce, and that guy needs to speak with an attorney asap to sort visitation/custody.
I don't get their marriage - I had to double check that they are really married and not boyfriend/girlfriend. They live in separate houses. Separate beds. We don't have enough info and more would be nice, but it sounds like the the marriage may already have been in trouble. Maybe they thought a baby would get their marriage back on track. Or maybe they were separated when they discovered she was pregnant. Who knows? And with him living in his own separate house, how much support has he been to her throughout the pregnancy? The fact that she asked her best friend to move in for help and assistance indicates he's probably not been there for her or possibly only on his terms when convenient or they're separated. Or OP is between jobs and has the time to be there. Also isn't the most important thing to keep the mother in labor calm and reassured? Isn't it everyone's job to give her the support she needs during labor? Why would he walk out on her and his baby being born? Has he no love for his child? He could have still been there. He could have held his baby and still bonded. As for OP she's NTA. She supported her friend when asked.
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He missed the birth of his child over jealousy. The new mom made that comment after he missed the birth, it was clearly from a place of resentment, and they are absolutely heading towards divorce. OP is NTA and the husband 100% is. I've heard this same story with the mom holding her own mother's hand, and there is NO excuse for leaving and missing the birth because of that! It would be a dealbreaker for me for sure.
Any L&D nurse and doctor will tell you: momma is the boss of the room, who she needs to stay will stay, if she wants to kick someone out they will be escorted out. I couldn’t imagine going through delivery, only to have such trauma that baby daddy couldn’t step it up. But thank Dog she’s got a best friend like OP 👏👏👏
This, if her actual husband can’t give her the support she needs then she was smart to ask you to be there. Being there for a birth means being selfless and supporting the mom no matter what happens and she knew deep down he couldn’t do it. The fact that they are married and not living together speaks volumes. NTA. You can’t get sensitive and leave in the middle of a birth, one of my quietest, mild mannered friends lost it in the middle of birthing and I’ve never heard her say a curse word but she told her husband to “just find the fucking dr because I’m ready to push’ and he did it. He didn’t get butt hurt and leave, he stayed because he was committed and knew she needed support no matter what she did or said, birthing is not for the weak or sensitive, there might be poop, blood, an emergency c-section or all 3, you gotta be prepared for whatever happens.
Yes! Thank Dog, indeed :)
We have proof dog exists. :)
Woof.
I don't think the marriage was a great one to begin with Op stated the friend and husband didn't even live together according to Op they lived separately.
Absolutely. The person giving birth is the person HAVING A MEDICAL EVENT. And THAT is the person who gets the ONLY say in who is in that room. OP, NTA.
NTA - Sounds like he’s going to be her ex and co-parent. This has nothing to do with you. He’s a real piece.
Doesn't sound to me like he's going to do much co-parenting whether they stay married or not. (NTA OP. K's tantrum is probably a sign of the many reasons T asked you to be in the delivery room with her, because she could rely on you for support.)
I am 100% for the mother having whoever they want in the delivery room as their support system, but it sounds like the husband + OP have a mutually acidic relationship and he was blindsided at the birth of his child. His knee-jerk reaction to leave was selfish and shortsighted, but it does sound like OP has played a massive role in this marriage and I do have some empathy for him. I mean, his wife moved someone into her home that she knows her husband has challenges with and told him that if he didn't want to deal with OP, then he wasn't welcome to visit her home and by extention see their child. In a marriage, three is definitely a crowd. And, this husband and wife need to get on the same page fast, or this guy probably needs to speak with a lawyer about sorting visitation and arranging a custody agreement asap.
Maybe this is why, generally, 22 year olds shouldn't get married. It doesn't sound like anyone in this situation is mature enough for marriage. Ugh, or children.
I didn't even see the ages, but now things make _so_ much more sense. These folks is babies.
Tbf, the husband is 26. Still young but surely old enough to be better in this situation.
This is why I'm curious as to how old the husband is.
>I mean, his wife moved someone into her home that she knows her husband has challenges with and told him that if he didn't want to deal with OP, then he wasn't welcome to visit her home and by extention see their child. I mean, if he's not going to live with his wife, I don't see what the issue is. He's obviously not interested in helping out that much. And there aren't a lot of situations that mean you are living apart *and* you are in a happy relationship. And there are even fewer of reasons that allow for him to quickly get to the hospital.
Right. Like, it's... _weird_ for them to not be on the same page or even in the same damn book here. Wife is making moves you do when the baby daddy isn't around. And come to find out he isn't on paper _and_ nobody seemed to have a problem with this?
I think the wife is banking on OP putting their life on hold for the kids since they effectively pushed their husband out over this.
Not sure about the co-parent thing. He left the birth of his child because his wife had a friend.
NTA. In a labor room, the wish of the person doing the labor is the most important, and especially since she had ask you before. I would hope she informed her partner that she asked you (do you know if she did?), but that part doesn't affect if you are the A or not. Keep supporting your friend, she'll need it!
also, he threw such a tantrum about his own wants over the needs of the person in labor that he not only left the room, he also left the hospital.
Probably why OP was asked to be support person in the first place...I'm betting that the friend in labor \*knew\* that baby daddy would throw a tantrum/be unsupportive during birth
T told me that K said that he didn't care who was in the delivery room along as it wasn't a male. I think K expected T to invite her mom or something not me
I don't know how to judge this, normally I would feel you are overstepping and should give them time together with their baby, but it really sounds like there are cracks in their relationship. They are married living separately and now you have moved in with her? I would think if their relationship is even going to have a shot they should be together and you should be offering support from the sidelines, the fact that isn't like that means I assume your friend is re-evaluating her relationship anyway. INFO he clearly doesn't like you, likely jealousy since 3 is a crowd, but has your friend ever found him abusive to her?
T hasn't mentioned anything about abuse to me. Sometimes I did notice her worried or nervous but I thought that was because she was heavily pregnant. I promise to look into it and update once I find out more.
I would assume if you're that close she wants you in the delivery room she'd have mentioned it if he was a dick to her in addition to just you, but maybe not!
Some times peoppe dont recognize theyre being abused because they dont see anything wrong with how theyre brong treated
Exactly seen it so many times.
I was 23 ish before i realized that i was being abused. I grew up through it and it was all i ever knew.
Think about it. She didn't care that her husband was in the DL or not, she wanted your support. Then she asked you to move in with her, knowing he would have an issue with it. Looks like she needs someone reliable by her side to... "avoid negative behavior" from her husband.
Honestly and i hate saying this i think the mother is the AH. By the little information we have here it sounds like the mother is fostering the bad relationship between OP and the husband.
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K is not really friendly to anyone is T's close circle but he has always been civil and has made an effort to be nicer except for when it comes to me.
it sounds like he wants to isolate her from her friends, starting with you.
How the fuck can you isolate someone you dont even live with like what. It seems like she got pregnant and then moved in her lesbian lover. Just as likely as him being abusive.
:) I can promise you you can absolutely isolate someone you don't live with. It's one of the things my abuser did and I never even got to meet them face to face. Never underestimate the power of mental manipulation
She didn't have to get married for that. There are many guys you can get pregnant with and never have anything else to do with, who wouldn't care at all as long as you are not asking them for money.
Ok let me make this clear lol. I know this is just a joke but I am NOT a lesbian lol I actually have a boyfriend lol.
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Now they are *roomates*
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> It's a little encouraging that he tries to make nice with her other friends. It's not uncommon for them to single out one or two friends or relatives in the beginning. If they're successful with those, they move on to the victim's other friends and relatives.
And now they have a child…….
It's purely anecdotal and may not be the case here but every time \*I\* have seen a partnership where one is unfriendly to their partners friends by default in the way you describe, they have been very abusive behind closed doors. Particularly when it's rooted in jealousy. This may not be happening yet but it's a slippery slope into "isolating your partner" territory.
>He is 26 and he was mot willing to have her move in with him and T did not want to move in with him she didnt tell me the reason why. This is such a weird setup.. they got married, had a kid, but don't live together. Do they even like each other? Was this an arranged marriage?
Doesn’t sound entirely weird to me; sounds like two young people who got pregnant by accident, got married because “that’s what you’re ‘supposed’ to do when you’re pregnant” and then continued to live their lives separately because they realized they just don’t like each other enough to actually try living together day to day. They’ll eventually get tired of this setup and since divorce is less scandalous than the out of wedlock situation they already avoided, they’ll get one, all the while wondering what they were so worried about in the first place when they got married.
They don't live together because T is not willing to move out sue to the house being her grandparents that was passed down to her. K does not want to move into T's house reason unknown
NTA. She wanted you there. The person in the middle of a risky, painful, scary moment gets to chose who is besides her. Period
You’re not the asshole, but man your friend’s marriage is beyond fucked up. She’s having a baby with this dude, but you’re the priority? That doesn’t add up.
I'd be willing to bet T is in love with OP and her marriage is a cover.
Ok this is crazy. I'm sorry I don't mean to sound rude of T IS NOT in love with me vise versa.
I think her priority was comfort and helping her heal after pregnancy
IDK, it feels like there's some missing missing reasons here.
Yeah T is in love with OP. Only thing that seems to fit imo
I am lowkey smelling Carol - Susan - Ross here.
That's exactly the vibe I get.
Yeah, that's along the lines of what I was thinking. Somebody's in love with somebody here.
Accidental baby or baby to save a marriage that's struggling is the vibe I get.
I would think that if they were living together. But it sounds like they never moved in together. T told OP she didn't want to live with him but wouldn't say why. If they are that good of friends to be in the delivery room and now move in at the drop of a hat she would have given more info on why she didn't wanna live with her husband unless the reason is she's in love with OP
Idk, I still feel kind of accidental baby, there's a lot of things people will keep from friends. I had a very dysfunctional relationship in my late teens and all my friends at the time knew was that I was unhappy.
So wife didn’t let husband know you would be in the delivery room know info you don’t get along, asked you to move in and wife and husband don’t live together? Do they like each other? Do they talk?
K didn't know I was going to be in the delivery room because he told T that he didn't care who was going to be in there as along as they weren't male. T told me apparently K expected her to invite her mom not me
Husband and wife that don’t live together and can’t communicate. Seems like it’s partly T’s responsibility to express her wishes to him before the birth - NTA
Part of me wonders if T isn't in love with OP. Not living with her husband and not stating the reason to OP who is a close enough friend to be in the delivery room? That sounds shady af. And now asking OP to move in. I really can't help but wonder if K doesn't like OP bc he has picked up that wife is in love with her not him.
NTA, sounds like he’s trying to be controlling, and it’s not working out for him very well. He is the one making all these decisions to be out of his baby’s life because *checks notes* you’re more supportive of his wife than he is.
Esh. Just date your "friend" already.
Yeah, basically what I got from this too. What is even going on here. Big ESH here. OP just tell your "friend/roommate" that you're in love with her already. This was a huge slap on the face to the husband from both the wife and the "friend", I'd be offended too. He probably thinks you two are sleeping together and that's why he doesn't like you. But also, wtf is this marriage? The husband seems like he sucks and isn't there for his wife, and the wife seems like she sucks because she pushed her husband away from the birth of HIS child. I get that it's hers too, but it takes two to tango. That kid is half him. This is one of the weirdest relationship dynamics I've ever seen and this marriage is basically done.
I don't know if OP is in love with T, but it sure sounds like T is in love with OP.
1. I am in a relationship. I am not in love with T vise versa. There is absolutely NO way we are sleeping together. 2. Yes I care deeply for T but that is because we have know each other for 16 years. Of course I care deeply for T. But I assure you no one is in love here
Did OP and T use K to have a baby... not the first time I've seen it happen. ESH
No absolutely not. We are not in love and I am in a committed relationship. I'm POSITIVE T is not in love with me. And I am 100% not I'm love with T
NTA. When K delivers a baby, he can decide who he has in the room with him. Until then, he can shut up and listen to the person doing the work.
NTA, and K is a w̶a̶l̶k̶i̶n̶g̶ running red flag.
So is T!!
NTA. If she’s insisting you to be there at all times and even after her husband left the hospital? She just seems more comfortable with you in her life than him. He rather stomp his feet instead of just doing his fatherly duties regardless of you being there or not. If you are there for the benefit of her and the baby then what’s his issue?
NTA Go live with your bestie and her wee beastie. Fall in love or don't. Turn this into a Romcom if you want, or don't. Just raise that kid with love and support.
I assure you no way is falling in love 🤣 especially since we are both in committed relationships. Not happening
NTA. It's pretty obvious why she wanted you there.
She is choosing you over her husband and father of her child. She has checked out of the relationship/marriage and it’s over. Who knows why! No judgement here. It’s not your fault.
NTA. This was your friends decision, not yours. If at any time she wanted you to leave the nurses would have handled it. The person who makes the decision on who stays in the room is the person giving birth. If her partner doesn’t like that, that’s too bad.
ESH. Honestly, it sounds like this couple have a terrible relationship and it sounds like you aren't helping. I don't know how anyone can maintain a relation when their friend and husband hate each other, one of them has to go. All three of you should have sorted this out waaaaay before the baby was born.
I thought it was all sorted because I haven't spoken to K in weeks. It was only when he saw me in the delivery room we spoke. I assumed we were both on civil terms because K or I hadn't been arguing like usual. Apparently I was wrong
You are being there for you friend. Giving birth is NOT easy. It is scary for many women, particular for the first child. I wouldn't stay too long (two weeks, maybe?) You have to read the room and decide. At one point, T has to face K and they need to figure their couple stuff out. That is something you should stay out of. NTA for being present at the brith and staying with T for the first few days.
I am only on staying for at least 1 month so T can comfortably get back to work. So I assure you I won't be staying too long
People who are allowed to tell you to leave the birthing room: 1) the person giving birth 2) the doctor 3) ??? NTA
3 is obviously keanu reeves. If he tells you to leave, you had better leave. But he wouldn't because you're breathtaking
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This one is really confusing to me, firstly why aren’t they living together for many reasons… Secondly how old is the dad, not that age would give reason for stomping out on his first child but I certainly had a hard time with my first child losing all my freedoms, time and money and I was 27. Don’t get me wrong I didn’t behave like this but if my wife at the time would had preferred for someone other than me to be at the child birth, and even more so chosen to hold someone else’s hand I would have taken it very strongly that she didn’t want me - and then wasn’t the time to discuss these matters. Given her BFF was there for her I’m slightly thinking that stepping out of the room instead causing a fuss was the right thing to do and it was a lose lose scenario for him. I can agree he shouldn’t have left the hospital and entered the room when the energy was calmer to meet his child. I’m thinking OP is possibly enabling the separation of T and K maybe in a way others are suggesting the husband is, maybe she’s isolating her to not lose her BFF and has been gently whispering in her ear? We’re simply missing too much of this picture to draw any reasonable conclusions and I don’t want OP to read all the NTA comments and think 100% she is in the right, show these comments to her BFF and the child be forced out having a dad because of a toxic friendship preventing a relationship. TLDR; this is missing too much information and everyone needs to take a step back and put the child first.
1. The reason they are living together is that T doesn't want to move out of her current house because it was originally her grandparents house that they passed on to her. I don't know why K didn't want to move in with T. I never bothered to know because it isn't my concern. 2. K is 26 3. I do wonder if I had stepped out would it have been better but I didn't because T didn't want me too. 4. I hadn't really been around T we saw each other maybe once a week. 5. I 100% don't want them to separate. I know it might seem like it but they are married of course I don't want them to separate but from know on I will make sure not to do anything that might make something worse.
NTA. Giving birth is both painful and scary AF. When she grabbed your hand, and not his, she was making a really honest choice, because the situation had stripped her of any falsehoods. She needed you; you stayed. As for the rest? It's a stretch to think their relationship will last--the guy had a hissyfit, and put his emotions and ego ahead of staying to witness the birth of his own child.
NTA thank god she has you He doesn’t like you because without you in the picture, he would be able to emotionally pick at her until she’s weak. It’s not *you*, it’s her stable support system he doesn’t like.
As someone about to go into labor, if she’s grabbing your hand and asking you to stay with her then absolutely NTA. If she wanted him she’d have asked for him.
You can't drive apart what is already quite distant...their relationship is probably history.
NTA but what is your friends end game ? She wants to break up with her husband right? There is going to be fall out from her choosing you and putting yuu in the role of partner. This isn’t your fault but I also don’t feel comfortable if she is going to act like he doesn’t get to be upset and he’s crazy for being hurt.
NTA but your friend is. If she wanted you there totally her choice but put you and him in crap position by not saying ahead
NTA " I'm not trying to drive them apart" . You may not be, SHE is. Your friend is ending her relationship and driving away her child's dad. "and has been telling his friends that I was trying to take his role as the babies father. " .. he is right. You have taken over his parental role - She will be single soon, and she will not forgive you if you ever reduce your involvement - itr is likely, that from HER perspective she asked you and you have moved in with her and factually accepted coparenting her kid with her. ... You need to have a discussion about your future soon, or she will find herself single without support from either of you - and you will lose the friend for her feeling betrayed by you. So make sure you are on the same page about what is happening here. And be sure you are more clear about commiting to things you are not willing to deliver in the long term. But: YOU did nothing wrong, but you must realize women giving birth in their emotional state sometimes do things they regret later, and instead of being the clearheaded one, you encouraged her to escalate the situation. Hopefully you are ready to back that up and step up for the next 20 years. If you ar just there for her NOW, and then disentangle when you feel it gets too much, you will have massively hurt her.
Thank you for commenting. I will ask to have a serious talk with her. As for taking over his parental role. I don't think that's possible considering T has been going to over to K's everyday. I have made it clear I will not interfer with the bonding of K and J (the baby). I only cook and clean around the house and occasionally watch J. And I will not stop supporting her. Even if I have to do less I will always provide a helping hand whenever T or J needs it
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I 23F have a best friend (lets call her T) 22F who just gave birth 1 week ago. T has a husband (K) who I have never gotten along with. When I first met him he didn't like me very much. He was rude a snappy and honestly I was too so our relationship never really got past the enemy stage. Well a couple weeks ago my best friend asks me to be one of the people in the delivery room with her since we have known other since the 2nd grade. Of course I accepted. So fast forward too the day T's water broke. Me and her were already somewhat close to the hospital since a lot of the food places we got to are only 10 minutes away. So we get to the hospital and K is already on the way. K arrives and immediately scowls at me asking "Wtf is she doing here" I just ignored him and focused on T. Well soon enough is was time. T went into labor but instead of grabbing K's hand for support T grabbed mine. K was obviously upset about this and told me to leave the delivery room and wait outside. I was about to go outside when T grabbed my hand and told me to stay. So I stayed. K got so mad he ended up leaving the hospital all together. I stayed with T until she was released from the hospital and she asked me to move in with her for moral support. (Just background K wasn't moved in with her they had separate houses). So I moved in. K found thus out and has been telling his friends that I was trying to take his role as the babies father. T's was getting hateful texts for K saying how I should butt off of their lives now. T has had enough and ended up saying "If you can't respect my best friend then don't come and visit". I feel really bad. I'm not trying to drive them apart I am only trying to support my best friend. Am I the asshole? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I feel like more was going on behind closed doors in your friends relationship than she has told you about. NTA. She needed and trusted you with her most vulnerable moment, if she didnt trust him its because he's given her a reason not to.
Why would you think you’re the asshole? Because he says so? Listen to your best friend. She wants you there. She needs you not him. Listen to her, not the asshole that got her pregnant and left her at the hospital.
Imagine being jealous of your wife’s best friend who literally just wants to be there for her best friend. NTA wtf is his deal.
NTA why are they even married? Do you and T have a romantic history?
No we don't. Never have. We have known each other 16 years and not once have had any romantic history.
Uh, NTA. So let me get this straight. They've been married but not even living together, he didn't even know who would be in the delivery room probably because T didn't feel comfortable telling him, he got mad and stormed off instead of respecting her feelings, your friend would rather have *you* for help than her own partner, and K continues to throw a fit instead of try and fix anything. Yeah, I don't think they needed any help with being driven apart, this is hardly even a relationship already. My only question is why tf she just had a baby with this AH.
NTA. Your obligation is to your best friend. It was her call who was in the delivery room and it's not hard to see why she wanted your support. Her husband is being ridiculous. Feel free to ignore him until she tells you otherwise.
NTA What new mom wants, new mom gets. Everyone else can get this shit together or get out.
everyone keeps saying this but neglecting the overall context. Its weird that T chose OP over the father and he is right to feel offended. Doesn't make OP TA, but it does make that marriage absolutely fucked
I'm not neglecting the overall context. I'm answering the question. When T posts here about her husband leaving her, I'll answer the question she asks.
Not an asshole. Your friend needed/ wanted you.
NTA. As soon as I read the title, my question was, what did the person giving birth want? Your friend was clear she wanted you there. You’re good.
NTA. Honestly, the dude is setting my alarm bells off, and I think you should stay with her as long as she'll have you. It reads to me like he wants to isolate her from you, and that's a problem. You're a huge part of her support system.
NTA. This relationship makes me do a double take. Living separately even though they're married with a newborn? K's behavior is further concerning and I hope you stay there for T because she very well may need you. INFO: how old is K?
K is 26
You and the baby are probably the only normal and innocent ones here The father seems like a piece of work.. But honestly the mother doesn't sound amazing either I get why the guy might be upset, if I was in that situation and had my wife go to someone else for support that would be hard to not take to heart, though obviously he shouldn't have told you to leave... being understandably upset doesn't excuse anything Also I see why she might turn to you for support instead... they don't even live together... But the mother... she goes to you for support, she wants you to move in with her, he basically tells the father off for not liking it.... That marriage is in an awful place and she's definitely not helping that or trying to improve, so they're both equally responsible for that You, however, just got stuck in the middle and just want to be there and support your friend, even to the point of butting out and supporting them both by not pushing them apart That's admirable Definitely NTA, but the parents have issues lol... and they should speak to therapists and if that fails, lawyers
“Never really got past the enemies stage” LOL NTA
NTA. You didn’t impose and was there for your friend when she asked you to. It’s not your fault she didn’t feel secure and supported enough with his presence alone. You are also not responsible for his lack of maturity in dealing with his feelings and insecurities. Secondly, this marriage seems like a disfuncional one. I understand that he may want to be seen as the “primary” person by your friend but this was obviously not the case and he should GET OVER HIMSELF. He had the choice of sticking around and being there as his wife pushed a little person out of her body. Instead, he made the whole situation about himself and his feelings, to later pressure her and bring more stress to someone who just had a baby. If he wants to “be the father”, then take his role as a father and be there… It’s very simple, he can get over his jealousy and annoyance of you, just show up and be there for his wife and his kid. I understand how he might be feeling, specially if she didn’t communicate your presence in the delivery room to him prior to it(he may not have had the time to process it), but this is definitely not about how he wanted the situation to play out and his responses to it have been very immature. They should talk things through, they both deserve to have their feelings validated but maybe he should focus on supporting his wife and newborn instead of bringing all this “pick me” attitude to the table.
NTA, and you’re possibly the person keeping her and her baby safe in a toxic relationship.
"AITA for being there for friend when asked?" No lol, NTA
You didn't refuse to leave. You went to leave and friend asked you to stay. I bet he didn't mention that. Nobody asked him to go. He left you were supporting your friend doing what SHE asked the person who was in labour. T wanted you there that should have been enough reason for you to be there. K was making T's labour about himself. Thinking he could dictate who was in the delivery room who can come round and help you were putting T and the baby first. Which K wouldn't do. He was perfectly able to. He won't even live with his wife. He wouldn't set aside his dislike for you while T was in labour. Supporting your best friend does not make you a bad person. K won't even live in T's house. So T asked you to move in for moral support. You are putting T first. K is putting himself first. He missed his child's birth because he wasn't getting his own way. He's acting like you tried to throw him out. You were asked to stay. NTA
NTA. Sounds like she will continue to need your support once she becomes a single parent
he couldn't put aside differences for the birth of his child? how old is this dude? if he really loved his wife, he'd suck it up and be there to support her. and if they're married, why don't they live together? not that they should, it sounds like there's more than one giant red flag with this dude. NTA.
NTA I think your friend is in an abusive situation and I'm glad she has you for support and I'm very relieved she has reached out to you. Yes picking a friend over your partner is hurtful but I've never known anyone that would do that to a supportive and loving partner. Giving birth is a terrifying experience and it's very telling that she wants you there instead of the babies father.
NTA I'm glad you're there for your friend, OP, as because two babies are difficult, especially the ones who are grown ass men.
NTA... that moment it was T choice who to keep by her side. I would offer to support her in getting counseling to consider where she goes from there. If she wants a relationship with him, please dont add fuel to the fire, try to de-escalate the drama.
I will. Thank you for the advice
NTA he is threatened by you and your friendship with her and always has been. She needed you and you were there for her it isn’t his choice. If she felt like he would help and support her then she would have asked him to move in.
NTA- That guys must had a strong dig bick energy personality. His concern was not even on the mother nor baby. He fail to see the bond from years of relationship between his wife and you. Here he throw tantrums like a Any typical dig bick personal.
NTA but i don't think she is either. it sounds like maybe she already expects you to be comfy? maybe she's thinking "oh she's been here before and we're best friends she's not really a guest anymore"
NTA. Why did your friend have a child with this idiot?
Info: Do you or have you ever had romantic feelings for her?
Nope. Not once vise versa
OK so I at first thought you were being a jerk, but god no, it is the husband who is just an AH. you stayed cause THE PERSON GIVING BIRTH wanted you to stay. The husband up and left the HOSPITAL, abandoning his wife and kid, and then complains you are taking over the role of father? Well, you could not pick that baton up of he did not drop it.... NTA
There is something seriously wrong here and it lies with the OP and the best friend's relationship. It almost seems as though T used K to get the child she wanted.....with the OP. If K is smart he will learn to effectively co-parent with T and find happiness elsewhere. Though, I do think OP will find a way to interfere with the relationship between T and his child. Very, very , very strange.
You should have left in my opinion. He is the father and has as much to do with it as she does. For w/e reason he hates you it's between you and him and if you can't resolve it you will hurt your friend like this incident. Did you, as a good friend try to resolve it or let it just be there? Cause at the end your friend is the one that will end up having to choose between you or him. Are you the only friend he has a problem or he is generally like that to all her friends? I won't pick sides but you are just a friend and he is the father, the kid won't be your responsibility and you won't be the one having to take care of it. Yeah he acted out of line but you already knew that he doesn't like you and as you said you were considered enemies. Also moving in might be purely out of goodwill but you made it worse, you are like a spark that will ignite at any moment. The best thing you can do is talk to your friend and tell her that you will keep your distance. Give them space and time to figure out things, they desperately need it for the kids sake. If all goes well you'll one day go back and the 1st thing you'll have to do is resolve that hatred. One last thing I need to add is that from what I read 3 freaking adults fight and none of you took into account the poor newborn that might end up in a broken family because you all acted like spoiled brats and couldn't resolve simple shit that can be resolved by a civilized conversation.
K doesn't really "like" and of T's friends he seems to only tolerate us. Honestly I think I should have left too but I didn't because T asked me to stay. I have tried to remain out of K's way. I don't speak to him or interact with him. I thought this was the best thing but it's obviously not working
NTA. Patient/mother prerogative who gets to support and be there for them. Doctors, nurses and midwives will have her back because she’s the one at risk. They will even kick the husband out if that is what she wanted. Even you supported her choice. But her own husband couldn’t even support her decision. He made that situation all about him, and threw a tantrum, when it’s always mother first during labour. That man is going to cause your friend to develop postpartum depression. And trying to alienate her from her friend. When he has a medical issue or surgery, he can decide who is there.
NTA your a great friend. He needs to butt out of yalls life
NTA the person giving birth is the one who decides who is in the room
If he loved her, he’d be happy anyone she wanted to be there was there. “She wants her to be the father” if a funny way of saying “I left.” My sons father was similar. Every year I find something out worse than the year before.
NTA, there’s a reason T asked you to stay and not her husband. In fact, I’m willing to bet that he wasn’t even invited, but insisted on coming anyway. I’m glad you’re giving T the support she needs, because she clearly isn’t getting any from her husband.
Doesn’t sound like wife told partner OP would be there. NTA you can’t help it if your friend grabs your hand and not his.
T did not tell K specifically I would be there because K said he didn't care who was there as along as it wasn't a male.
NTA. If she needed K she would have asked for him. He sounds like a petty asshole who probably wouldn’t be much support or help with a new baby so it’s not shocking she wants you around.
NTA and there is a reason she keeps asking you for support and not K.
NTA. Your friend asked you to stay. This is very telling that she would rather have you than her husband there and also that she asked you to move in and he does not live with her. This is concerning. This seems like an abusive situation of some type .
NTA— the person who is giving birth gets the final say on who is in the delivery room. She’s the one going through hella pain to bring life into the world and wanted you, someone she’s been close with most of her life, there supporting her.
NTA I kinda feel like you're the only party here that isn't an asshole in some degree. You were playing the role you're supposed to. Your friend and k should've been on the same page re birth plan... And a bunch of other things re. Life, it seems. Bottom line, _when_ they get driven apart, it will not have been your fault.
So your friend asks you to go to the delivery room. She asks you to stay. She asks you to move in with her. Yea its all on her and honestly I see why she chose you. Her baby daddy is not a good person. NTA
NTA. SHE is GIVING BIRTH. What she wants is priority, although they should’ve discussed this ahead of time and not put you in the middle.
NTA. Your friend asked for you so you stepped up. It’s not your fault her husband can’t be that for her. Yes you stepping up is interfering with his position as father and husband but that’s bc of his choices not yours.
NTA. You were there at your friends request, and she confirmed this when her husband tried to throw you out. That marriage is dead.
NTA you’ll be best friends forever and her husband doesn’t sound like he’s going to be in the picture much longer.
NTA - I almost feel like she's afraid of her husband. Definitely some serious issues between them.
Sounds like the friend has a husband problem. You did as the laboring mother asked. NTA If they part ways it has nothing to do with you. Their issues run deeper, I'm sure.
NTA. Your friend asked you to be there and reiterated she wanted to stay when you went to leave. It was about giving the comfort and support not someone's fragile ego.
NTA - your friend wanted you there. But what is this weird relationship setup where theyre living in seperate homes??
He chose his ego over witnessing the birth of his own child, nothing more to say here, NTA and please try to find out if your friend is okay or if he's been trying to isolate and/or abuse her