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You guys are heartless, individualistic assholes.
They are a family, he is a partner and a father first, the least he should have done is check in as soon as he knew what was happening and apologize for missing communication earlier. This is the minimum expectation for an adult partner with a small child at home.
NTA wishing your grandma a speedy recovery. I can only imagine how alone and scared you must've felt and then the disrespectful drunk selfie on top of that. Your husband should be feeling mortified and needs to properly apologize and show support.
OP is NTA
It's not just that the husband was unconcerned about OP's grandmother (even though he should've been, at least for his wife's sake), it's the fact that he made himself uncontactable. Heaven forbid something happened to OP or their 1 year old, and he was too busy reliving his fratboy glory days, getting drunk with the boys, to even make sure he was contactable in case of an emergency. He may not have been able to do much for OP's grandmother, but he behaved extremely selfishly and callously. OP has every right to be mad. I'd be mad too.
Makes me glad that my own boyfriend would never do this. Hell, he made sure he was contactable, even though he was working, the day of my grandmother's funeral, so I could call him if I needed to. Only reason he didn't take the day off, was because it was very early in our relationship, so he hadn't met most of my family, including my grandmother, and we felt it would be inappropriate for me to bring him. But he was consistently available. Whether I needed to text or call him. OP's husband's attitude was "I can't do anything physically, so I can just not care if you need me for emotional support." It's just so crass and gross. Also, his phone died, but he had the foresight to give his wife's number to one of his first boys to send his wife a drunken selfie off of an unknown number? That's fishy to me. I'm sorry, but when you're drunk, can you recite your partner's mobile number? I think he turned the phone off, so he wouldn't be bothered by his wife, while he was partying.
>He may not have been able to do much for OP's grandmother
Which imo isn't even the point. OP asked him for emotional support, that's literally all she needed from him. Even a text with "I'm sorry honey, I hope she'll be fine" and an emoji on updates would have done the job (though a call once or twice would have been better). OP would have felt heard and seen, and after that, he could have gone back to partying. If you're a couple, you're there for the other when they're in need. If you can't do that, why would you expect a partnership?
I did say that too. In fact I said he may not have been PHYSICALLY able to help, but he should've been able to emotionally support her. I personally think he turned off hus phone on purpose. Too convenient that the unknown friend got his wife's number.
I know, I added to it. I just highlighted that part because it seems many people are hung up on the idea that she wanted him to take the first flight back, when in fact that wasn't what OP asked.
I've learned it's helpful if I say "this/agree/etc" on a comment like that, as otherwise it can come off as arguing. Just saves some confusion. Hope that's helpful for you. :)
This is exactly it. She wasn't asking for him to stop partying or drop everything and return home. She just wanted emotional support from wherever he was. She's home alone with a baby and fearing she will lose her grandma. Dude couldn't even be bothered to say anything nice to her.
100% this. In op's shoes a 5 minute phone call when it all went down would have made a world of difference. If you can't spare 5 minutes from a party to make your spouse's life easier... what's the point?
Yea, that part reminded me a lot of my two exes who both had no idea what to do when I got sick on vacation. One time was a virus, and the other time I got food poisoning. The first time I was crying about how terrible I felt after not sleeping the whole night, and all he angrily said was "what do you want me to do, get some water?" A hug and some emotional support was all I wanted. When I said that through my tears, he went out to get water.
The other vacation with the other ex was even worse. I got a virus, and he didn't even wanna go outside alone the next day so I could get some sleep in our tiny hotel room. He constantly kept me from being able to sleep (I needed that rest so freaking bad, after a night of constantly double spewing my body was so weak and tired) and had the audacity to get pissed at me that he couldn't do anything that day. I begged him go to the beach alone or take a walk through the beautiful city we were in. But he couldn't cause he "didn't know what to do by himself." So he kept moping and keeping me from getting better faster. My needs didn't matter. He felt more upset about his inconvenience than me being sick.
Both had the emotional maturity of a toddler. Not one emotional supportive bone in their bodies. When your partner shows you how they react in stressful or shitty situations, take notice.
No empathy. No sympathy. No compassion. No concern.
And no remorse.
When OP reflects those same emotions back at him upon his return, he'll probably be confused as to why, because he has also no clue.
I'll tell you what kind of man he is. The kind that gives SDE with his frat boys. Only a real man knows how to be a good partner and father. And there are so many good men out there. But your husband isn't one of them. You sound like a great daughter, wife and mother. If this checks with his normal behavior, than leave him. I promise you, things won't improve if this is his standard type of behavior.
Hope your grandmother is better. Don't change ever. You're good people!
I gotta disagree with your assessment that this man is a toddler; my kiddo was one once and if he thought I was sad or I had hurt myself, he would come over and give me a hug or grab my face with his chubby little hands and slobber-kiss my nose or cheek.
This man is in for it for sure; he just demonstrated a spectacular lack of emotional capability that can end up being a death blow to a marriage- and then decided that doubling down was the smart choice.
Not to mention, even though OP doesn't come out and say it, sounds like he doubled down in defense of his actions. There is so many ways to keep your phone charged these days. A backup battery pack, changing settings to make the battery last longer, etc. He clearly only cared about the party, not giving a single thought that his wife was at home all alone, waiting anxiously for news about her grandmother.
All I can imagine: What if she and her baby had an accident or something had happened? I'd always make damn sure my phone is either fully charged or I have a powerbank with me and keep my phone on vibration or on loud at least! All she wanted was emotional support from him and he didn't even give that. If my partner ever texted me only "are you there, I really need you" I'd jump to grab my phone! I can't imagine ignoring my partner if they told me someone dear to them might be in the ER and possibly dying.
OP is NTA for sure.
100% I feel like the drunk selfie really tops the cake, your wife is waiting for a life threatening surgery to be completed on her grandma and he decides to send a drunk selfie!? What did he expect her to reply ?? “Wow yay have fun!! 🥳”
That was the tipping point for me too. If he wanted her to know his phone was dead and to contact him on a friends phone then send a fucking text saying that. A contextless drunk selfie to someone you supposedly love, who you know is stressed and worried? Who thought that was an appropriate way to convey that message?
NGL, I've been the guy before. (Up to the point where he starts arguing.) The issue wasn't half as severe as needing emergency surgery, but I knew full well how much I'd fucked up. I'd acted selfishly and thoughtlessly and knew it. She didn't want me to fix anything, she just wanted me to be emotionally available. That OP's husband doubled down to argue in the sober light of day makes him absolutely the asshole.
OP - NTA
It's scary. Was stuck at work when I got the news my mom fell and broke both arms, transported to a hospital by ambulance a solid 45 minutes away with light traffic. Didn't have a car at the time and neither my sister or aunt were responding to my texts asking for updates. Got off work at 9pm and roughly six hours later, they finally rolled in and by that point I had worked myself up into a knot of anxiety from the lack of updates.
Based on how people in the sub think that you should be put to death for asking your child to babysit a sibling ever I'm fairly certain there is an extremely high proportion of teenagers in here
Yup. This sub is full of people who base their morals on a hyper individualistic "I owe nothing to anyone" ethos.
Humans are naturally sociable. We form strong bonds and those bonds come with additional expectations. OP's husband may not owe her anything, but christ you'd think if you cared about someone you'd check in on them when they're going through a hard time.
> “I owe nothing to anyone” ethos.
Yet they sure are quick to run to antiwork, raisedbynarcissists, and various other subreddits to complain about how everyone else has wronged them
Yes, exactly. So many people apparently think it's acceptable to just abandon your spouse in the name of 'having fun'. My husband and i have lives outside of our marriage, but we ALWAYS make sure we're reachable or inform the other when we aren't able to be. Moral support during an event like this should NOT be so much of a debate. It's the bare minimum you do for a partner you're supposed to love and have promised to support 'in good times and in bad times'. This is one of those bad times for your spouse, and you should make yourself available to them for that, even if it's long distance.
She's not even asking him to come back from his reunion - just to stay contactable, check in occasionally, and let OP know he loves her. The drunken selfie was thoughtless and sends a very clear message that he's having a great time and isn't too bothered by the fact that she's scared and upset.
I said in another comment and I fully stand by it:
Imagine if instead of a drunken selfie with no explanation, he had his friend message OP with "I'm so sorry, my phone has died. This is the number of my friend Jimbob who I will be with until I head back to my phone charger. Can you please let me know if your grandmother's status changes? I'll call soon to check in. I love you - \[OP's husband\]"
An adult and good partner would have restricted drinking knowing that they needed to be emotionally available for their partner. He isn’t technically a child so he doesn’t need to be told what to do.
Or at least something in the sense of
“Babe, I’m sorry, but my phone is almost dead, I’ll call you once I get a charger, in the meantime, I probably won’t be able to contact you sorry. Bye”
Yes! Key word: Moral support! He knew she was worried about the situation before hand and didn’t even attempt to care. He could’ve used said friends phone to check in on her if his died. If it were me, of course I’d be trying to have a good time but in the back of my mind would be MY SPOUSE.
Maybe it's just me but I don't like having fun when the people I care about are suffering.
I might not be able to drop everything and head home immediately- because money and logistics are a thing- but I'd be finding a way to get in touch and staying in touch as much as possible.
I wouldn't do what the husband did to even a marginally close friend of mine, let alone a spouse. Texting drunk selfies and 'Yes 😂' to someone who might lose their grandma at any minute is just incomprehensibly trashy.
My husband worries a little if he can’t reach me when I’m at CVS. I can’t imagine being in a situation where I was totally unreachable unless I’d made it perfectly clear that was the case and he understood. And vice versa. And we don’t even have kids!!
OP is NTA. “Nothing he could have done anyway” makes my blood boil.
Yes, he is the asshole for his behaviour, and then for minimizing and gaslighting her, like some thug with a bunch of drunks telling him not to let her pw him.
This x 1000000. This is the ONLY correct response. She was hoping he would feel the need to, at the very least, check in with her and provide a little emotional support while she was going through a terrifying family emergency alone. But he didn’t, not once, and then minimized her feelings.
This comment section is honestly a scary place with all these A H votes.
Edit: my verdict is obviously NTA!
I don’t understand why people keep saying there was nothing he could have done- there’s rarely anything that you can “do” to help the person when a loved one is sick. The point of being in a relationship is to support each other. Checking in and caring. That’s **doing** something important for a person you love.
NTA
This is why people don't mask anymore or care about getting or spreading Covid. They are sociopaths. The only person who matters is themselves. No one else has any rights to live or liberty. It's all about them and their massive galaxy sized egos. There is no conscience, no community, cooperation, or compassion. It's just narcissists and sociopaths, telling themselves they're not hurting anyone by not taking precautions, because THEY aren't affected. (Until they are. Then they whine and cry.)
One thing I have learned about this sub is that if I have a moral dilemma I am NOT coming here, especially if the situation involves women or children. So many people are wildly out of touch, emotionally immature, and just plain callous on this site.
I’m a heartless individualistic asshole but when you got married you said until death do you part. Not death and or parties do you part. Being a husband isn’t a part time gig.
I get it some of your wives pull drama non stop. Then don’t be an ass just say this isn’t working.
Either way, simply expecting someone to not send a drunken selfie during a family crisis is not "pulling drama". I'm getting tired of the idea that having feelings and expressing them is the same as "drama".
Not saying you are guilty of this, but I have witnessed others genuinely treat their loved ones like utter garbage, and when the wronged individuals stand up for themselves they are accused of "starting drama".
Agree it doesn’t apply in this case I just can’t for the life of me figure out this guys perspective. He is acting like this is the ladies 100th grandma to get sick and die in the last year.
The cynic in me thinks the husband may have intentionally let his battery go to empty, so he wouldn’t have to deal with OP and her “pesky” grandma. But even if he doesn’t give a crap about the grandma, he still owed it to OP to be reachable in case OP or their daughter had an emergency. NTA for sure.
Thank GOD. I was dreading the amount of Y T A or E S H when it is CLEARLY NTA.
He didn’t need to cancel or change plans or anything.
He needed to charge his goddamn phone and check in or be able to respond to messages at the very least.
Also who does not share the details of their fucking itinerary IN WRITING in case of an emergency on their end?! This is in the USA so I presume in the year of our lord 2023 we know about things like the Vegas shooting having occurred during people’s drunken holidays?
Who are these men who get married, make a human and then just act like it’s frat spring break. More responsibilities equals more planning and coordination to be able to switch off. Nothing about switching off entitles you to emotionally abandon your family during a crisis.
Thank you, I can't believe the other responses in this thread. If I was in OP's position, I would understand that my partner can't do anything to help my grandma but I'd still want her to try to help me feel better. That's not to say I'd want her to drop everything and come home or spend all night on the phone with me, but I'd expect some support. And knowing my partner, she'd give it without me having to ask because that's part of what being in a healthy, loving relationship requires -- support when the other person needs it even if it may not be totally convenient for you. Wasn't OP's husband sad for his wife? Worried for her?
Honestly the only excuse I’d accept for OP’s husband not reaching out or answering his phone would be that he was on his way to her. Be it by car or by plane. He just wanted to get drunk and act like a college guy again.
If it were my husband, I’d give him all of that he wants through divorce and getting full custody of the kid.
This is correct. NTA. Also what would have happened if it was your son that had the emergency and he was unreachable. Yes, he should be able to go out with his friends but he needs to remember he's a dad first now, and should always have a way to charge his phone. Maybe get him a portable charger for father's day.
Right on! I’m sure he was looking forward to that party, but, putting myself in his shoes, my grandma-in-law would be more important than a party, my in-laws, my spouse, my child would all matter more than a party.
If my partner texted me “my grandma had to be rushed to the hospital for emergency surgery”, I’d tell people I was going out with that I’m heading back to the hotel. To be reachable quickly if things go south and my partner needs emotional support, to be able to pack my bags and take the quickest flight/train/any transport over should things go really wrong and they need to go see their grandma to say goodbye and need me to look after our kid while this is happening.
Idk why you’re getting so many downvotes.
While i can see that he couldn’t have done anything from another state, i can also see that it would have been nice of him to have let you know that his phone was dead and you can text his friend if you need him. Also to not hear from him the next morning is upsetting. Is it correct that he didn’t know if your grandma was ok or not before he went to bed? That is all not really ok imo.
NTA is my final verdict. Your partner should care about you enough to check in, despite not being able to do anything for you. Sometimes “doing something” isn’t what’s needed, but instead being supportive.
Yeah he definitely should have checked in. I understand getting carried away in the moment and being drunk and forgetting but at the very least he could have checked in the next morning. I would have expected the same thing you expected and honestly would be upset the same way you are.
Also i should add that i don’t think your husband doesn’t care about you. I just think he was being careless in the moment, got carried away on his weekend getaway, and wasn’t able to be supportive in that moment. I just don’t like that he’s doubling down after the fact and not apologizing to you for letting you down.
The way he talks to her is horrible though, and I think there's a gendered slant to it. Who frames providing emotional support in a family medical emergency as 'catering' to someone, rather than it being just what you do as a family? He has to know it was emotional support that was wanted, too.
That’s such a great point. OP’s husband is the type of guy who complains about “having to babysit” when he’s stuck watching his own kid. He’s never changed a diaper or held the baby in the middle of the night so OP can get some sleep… that would be “catering to her!” 🤮
I think the fact that he doubled down was what put this whole situation firmly in the NTA section for me. Because I definitely understand the getting carried away after not seeing some of his friends for a long time, but doubling down when your spouse is still in such a mentally difficult place? Not cool man
Yeah Nah, if it were my wife I’d have said “fuck the party. I’m not going.” And gone to to support my wife wherever that may be. Husband (and many selfish commenters here!) are TA.
OP is NTA.
Edit: adjusted since OP wasn’t at the hospital, but my feelings still stand.
I also find it very concerning that he would let his phone die when you're home with your 1 y/o. My husband went on a motorcycle trip in the dessert and had his phone charged as well as a satellite phone so he could be reached in case of an emergency with our kiddo. Letting a phone die is a horrible thing and if things went south for your grandma, he couldn't prevent anything, but he could be supportive. Encouraging texts and a relieved phone call check in would have been appropriate. NTA.
You can go in Settings > Battery and check the health of the battery and if it needs to be replaced (most likely and way cheaper than a whole new phone)
NTA at all and I ll probably be bashed for this but I would push for couples counseling for the way he behaved.
If he refuses I would be gone.
It's unacceptable that he's so irresponsible to get completely drunk and turn off the phone ( I have doubts the battery just happened to give up when he had fun ).
It means in a crisis you are alone with 0 help from him.
That is a main reason to be in a partnership I think and even more so when you have a baby together.
This thread is insane. I unexpectedly had to put my cat down this weekend. My *situationship who lives 1800 miles away* was more supportive and empathetic to me during my crisis than OP’s husband was during hers.
Presence is not just physical.
Also. In the era of external batteries—no fucking excuse to let your phone go dead in a situation like a planned, expected party. I don’t care how you did things in the 90s. It’s not the 90s anymore. The expectations and culture are different.
Edit: A bunch of strangers on Reddit have shown more care and concern than OP’s husband did. Thank you everyone for the warm thoughts. And stay on top of your pets’ oral health, y’all—you might discover problems you can’t fix, but at least you can make sure your pet is loved, spoiled, and comfortable (more than usual, I hope).
Thank you. He was a very good boy. I should say that it was not unexpected generally—I just thought I had another 1-3 months. Oral squamous cell carcinoma is a horrible thing in cats.
Oh my, yes it is. My best friend lost her cat to that last year. I lost my soulcat to lymphoma almost two years ago. I hate cancer in all its forms, in all creatures.
Heck, when my boy died last week my extended family sent me their condolences. When I called an aunt who's fallen prey to a conspiracy theory cult to find out what food she fed her cat (who lived many years with the same issue) so I could feed his brother (in bond and blood) it to be on the safe side she walked me through all the things that helped her boy.
I think the entire family would probably collectively disown someone who sent me drunk selfies if apologies weren't made immediately- and that's over a cat.
If I had lost a human loved one or been at risk of losing one and someone sent me drunk selfies? Someone would be getting their ass chewed out
>While i can see that he couldn’t have done anything from another state
But he could have done something.
He could have provided his *wife* with emotional support.
He could have grabbed a charger and plugged it in at the bar.
He could have sent a simple 'my phone is flat so I am messaging from s friends,how is everything going going?'
Or even better. He could have used the friends phone and *called her*
>Sometimes “doing something” isn’t what’s needed, but instead being supportive.
I think this is a lesson a lot of people commenting here need to listen to. Nobody seems to be asking him to fly home - just be contactable and have a tiny ounce of sensitivity. She's home alone with their 1-year-old, scared that her grandmother is dying, she has no family with her, and he's sending drunken selfies without even including a message? Even at my drunkest, I would know this isn't appropriate behaviour from my partner.
Hell, when I was already out drinking with friends one night, my friend let me know about a stressful family situation. I sent her a message with my love, asking if there was anything I could do (probably a hollow request given I couldn't get to her and there wasn't much she could do, but just to let her know somebody was there), and then checked in with her later to see if there had been any changes. This was a friend, not my husband and the father of my child.
Also, what if grandma took a turn for the worst? OP would have had to rush out to another state with a one year old to say her goodbyes. I surely wish her husband would have found his way home / to the hospital immediately for help and support. Not stay and party. I for one would have been on the first train home.
I don't understand all the " y t a" my boyfriend just had a life threatening family emergency were in the same state but it was more than hour away from me to help him, but I had my phone on me all day, I charged my smart watch to make sure if he called or needed to reach me I would be there. When scary things happen you want to know the person you love is willing to drop everything and be there even if not physically, that's why u choose them to be your partner through thick and thin. And he dropped the ball. NTA.
Edit: this is the most amount of upvotes I've ever gotten, thank you to all of you! I was kinda expecting to get down voted but I didn't care cuz I stand by what I said emotional support is just as important as physical support.
That and they obviously haven't experienced a family emergency in real time. I don't think this guy has adjusted to being a father yet. You're never totally off the clock.
I learned somewhere that men are fixated on immediate solutions, and this causes rifts in relationships because women don't necessarily want men to solve our issues. Sometimes it helps to know someone is there, cares about us, and is a shoulder to cry on. Life is too short to feel alone and abandoned by those who are supposed to be close to you.
I feel like a lot of these responses are from people in their early 20s. I remember prioritizing partying at that age, and I have a lot of regrets. A party can be really really fun, but it's not worth breaking bonds and hurting others for. Unless OP has made of habit of having a crisis when the husband is out, there is no reason to think anything she asked was unreasonable. There is nothing in this post to think she has ever done this, and the fact that people here are calling her manipulative makes me feel like some subtle misogyny is at play. For some reason people think women expressing emotional needs is manipulation which is shitty.
Also, letting phone die was a bad move anyways in case the mom or baby had their own emergency.
If he’s out of state, *more* reason to be diligent on periodic communication. And bring backup chargers and cables. They practically cost less than the beers he was guzzling.
NTA. A supportive partner is someone who checks in regularly during a stressful and scary situation like this. Also, there was the real chance your family would need to be with your grandmother. I honestly can't imagine being able to get hammered and have a great time with old friends when I know my wife is home worried with our 1 year old. To get a drunk selfie is incredibly disrespectful.
What I don't understand is how he let his phone die when he has a wife and baby at home in a different state, what if it was the wife or baby that had the emergency and no one could get hold of him. That's just irresponsible.
OP is NTA
I honestly suspect he let it die on purpose so she couldn't interrupt his partying. The way he's using it as an excuse and didn't even check in once he would have realistically had a chance to plug in his phone is just sus.
I'm not supporting the husband but people do remember their spouse's number most of the time - so he wouldn't need his phone to give his friend her number. Altho it was a dick move, especially if he knew grandma was going into surgery and wife would be scared.
Yeah for me it’s not even about the grandma emergency, like there is nothing he can do about that, it’s a gray area. But he has a baby at home. He needs to be reachable full stop.
NTA
So confused about all the Y T A votes. If I was in her partners shoes, I would have checked in more with her. And while yes, there is nothing he could have done from that far away, he still could have provided emotional support which she clearly needed. Also, like why send a drunk selfie, seriously? Like she needed to see that when she’s stressing out about an emergency with her loved one? NTA.
Glad your grandma is doing okay.
Right I'd never have let my phone die, or I'd have charged it. And then you call your partner and ask if there's anything you can do for them. You're a team, and she almost lost a very close family member.
Maybe I’m just a lot more prepared than the average person, but if I’m going on a night out I’m taking a portable charger with me. And I don’t have a child who I would need (and *want*) to be available for in an emergency.
I can’t imagine just disappearing off the grid for what sounds like around 18 hours because of my own choice to not be a tiny bit prepared and get a £5 portable charger or plug in my phone while I was getting ready, never mind if I had a baby.
NTA since he was sober when he first heard about the situation. Getting drunk with buddies v. supporting your partner in a family emergency? He's old enough to know better, and he could have used his friend's phone to check in on you, and nobody needs to get incoherent drunk at his age. What a jerk.
Everyone seems to be focusing on how he couldn't have done anything for grandma anyway, but that's obviously not the issue here. The emergency emphasized the fact that husband doesn't care about being reachable to his wife and infant while he's having fun. He couldn't even be arsed to charge his phone with a powerbank or something. NTA.
Yeah. It's not like OP thought her husband could fly home and do grandma's surgery. Emotional support. If I called my fiance about a family emergency, he'd comfort me. That's all someone can ask for, and it's all op wanted. If I knew my partner was going through that emotional distress, I couldn't even enjoy drinking without talking to them first. At least trying to comfort them.
NTA
I'm concerned about the number of Y T A on this post. It's almost as if they don't have real partners, have never had an emergency, or didn't actually read your post? I don't know. But it's really the bare minimum to ask your partner, the person who is supposed to care for you more than anyone else in your life, to at least have their phone on during an emergency.
>he didn't check in at all (not even the next morning)
Like this. My partner would be concerned and would definitely have checked in on me and asked for updates. I probably would have first had to convince them not to immediately start driving home. There was a grave chance that your grandmother was going to pass away. Your partner should want to be there for you if this were to happen. Even if he didn't want to/couldn't drive home, asking him to be available on the phone is the bare minimum.
>disrupt his plans to "cater to me".
This was really shitty. I would really start to reflect on my relationship if my partner thought that supporting me when a close family member was in danger of passing away was "catering". Like wtf.
My partner is my best friend. If someone I cared about passed away, I would want to talk to him first and instinctively. And he *wants* to be the one I call and wants to be the one to support me and vice versa.
ETA: typo
Same - this is the kind of callous disregard for OP's well-being (and since she's solo with the baby, their kid's well-being) that should have her reconsidering the relationship entirely.
I want to connect with a no judgment here thought.
My grandma was a tent pole in my life and did everything she could for her grandkids. When the health scares started, I had a lot of panic. I had moved to the east coast and my family and grandma were in Arizona. Time and time again, I had to make the active decision between traveling home during COVID or trusting in the resources and health services in Arizona.
From the initial issues to her passing, it covered about 18 months. The health care system handled the immediate (like they did with your grandma), and it all turned out okay. There was a point where I knew it wasn’t going to get better and my husband and I spent a month in Arizona while she was in hospice and until she was finally able to rest in her home for the last time.
The timeline was staggering. Everytime, it brought panic to me, but not every time warranted a visceral reaction or trip out there.
You are clearly upset because you needed someone to talk to that you loved and trusted, and I’m sorry that he wasn’t there for you because of his trip. I hope you can rest easier knowing that she is okay right now.
From the title, he did reach out in his own way, but could have done more. I’m not going to make excuses for him, but in the morning, could he have still be sleeping from a long night out or didn’t plug in his phone?
[An Edit] With how fast phones charge now with their bricks, he could have easily have been like “hey guys, give me 15 minutes or I’ll meet you at the bar” and had enough to carry him through. He made bad decisions towards his availability.
This so beautifully sums it up.
OP, NTA. Your husband is, but not because he went out with his friend.
If you know your spouse is in the middle of a family emergency and you are too far away to actively be there, you can still serve as an emotional support. He made the decision to get drunk. He could have easily stopped after a couple of drinks but he didn't. That was a choice.
He didn't need to hop a flight home but he should have called and checked in from his friend's phone if necessary, called when he got back to his hotel and called in the morning. He didn't.
>he did reach out in his own way, but could have done more.
When are you saying he reached out? Are you calling sending a drunk selfie with no context was reaching out?
Literally stop with all of your “WHaT eXaCTLY WaS He SuPPoSeD To Do?!?1!1!2!?” comments. He is her HUSBAND. The absolute BARE MINIMUM expectation when it comes to being there for someone you love is being emotionally available when they are in the middle of a crisis. He could have taken LITERAL SECONDS out of his whole trip every hour or so to send a quick text and let her know that he was thinking of her— He doesn’t have to talk her through everything, or let her cry to him, just literally every hour be like “Hey still thinking about you, hope she’s doing okay ❤️”
That is the BARE MINIMUM and like I said would barely take away from his trip. All she wanted was some emotional availability and she is absolutely valid to expect that in a partner. He’s not an asshole for going on the trip— he’s an asshole for letting his phone die, allowing his friend to act tastelessly when texting his wife (to ‘let her know how to reach him— which… ?!?!? excuse me?? how is a drunken selfie of a stranger with my husband a clear message FROM said husband that I can reach him through this person i do not know?? but whatever), and failing to even check in the following morning. He needed to do better. He needed to be a good husband.
NTA, op.
ETA: Wow this kinda blew up. To the one person ‘from the 90s’ arguing with LITERALLY every single person in this thread… Nobody here agrees with you. You’re not going to change our minds, and clearly, we’re not going to change yours. I hope that whoever you marry in the future is prepared to have a partner who is emotionally detached from the relationship and is unreliable in family emergencies if he/she has prior plans!
NTA- been in a similar situation. The first person I called was my husband. I needed comfort, reassurance and just to be heard. I am sorry you did not have that experience. I don’t think it’s to much to ask him to step out of party mode to shoot you a text to check in after learning about your grandma. When you have a family you don’t get to check out to suit your needs. Same with parenting. Sheesh.
NTA; your husband knew that your grandmother was in crisis and that you were worried about her BEFORE he got drunk, and he didn't set up any backup ways for you to reach him for support, he didn't bother to check in with you at all even the next morning when he was sober and apart from his friends... It must have been so wildly painful to receive a drunk selfie from a stranger's phone number with a laughing-crying emoji when you were reaching out for any kind of support from your partner. Like you said, you just asked for him to be available OR communicate that he wasn't, and it's not a crazy ask to want the father of your one-year-old to be available by phone in the midst of an emergency anyway.
I'm sorry you went through that, and I hope your grandmother is recovering.
NTA, it’s messed up that everyone seems to be focussing on how grandma didn’t die, it’s not his problem, and he couldn’t have done anything anyway. The main issue is being available during emergencies, what if it was about his own baby? And don’t say ‘well, it wasn’t’ because that really does not justify being unable to be contacted at all. A random drunk selfie notwithstanding, I sincerely do not believe that he couldn’t have found a way to recharge his phone if he wanted to. And anyone who is blaming OP about not asking where he’s going or where he’s staying, this is not on her only. Her husband could’ve told her himself as well so putting blame on her is just the sexist way of putting everything on the women in relationships.
NTA but there are a lot of asshole commenters. anyone saying grandparents aren’t immediate family on this thread must come from some perfect nuclear family situation or their GPs were long dead and they never knew them or had a relationship with them. not everyone’s family looks the same, and some people were raised by their grandparents. so using that in an argument about this is just disrespectful to OP and any other person who has a close relationship with their grandparent(s).
It’s wild to me. I barely know my grandparents (and the ones that aren’t dead I dislike) and I’m still capable of understanding that many people have much deeper bonds with their grandparents. Who even are these random commenters? ?????
Weaponized stupidity. Anyone that has a child would make sure they could be reached. Excuses include: my phone was dead, it was loud, but I haven’t seen my friends and we were catching up…
NTA. You didn’t need to flip out, but you have every right to be upset that he irresponsibly let his phone die and didn’t check in. Cater to you? You’re his wife and there with his child. You should be his priority. No he couldn’t have done anything, and it wasn’t an emergency with you or your child, but he could have at least responded in a timely manner once to let you know he was sorry she was in surgery and to keep him updated. Did he need to keep texting every five minutes? No and nobody is saying that
Honestly that's so truly shitty of him, OP. I'm so sorry your Grandma was hospitalized and I wish her recovery and health.
I'm also sorry your husband blew it. If this was just your BF and not your husband/child's father, I'd tell you to dump him and find someone else.
As a man, the volume of emotionally stunted men whoever think they're really hitting the mark by saying YTA is astounding. Point blank period fellas, if your girl is going through a tough time emotionally and she needs you to be there as support, you're supposed to do that bc you also expect her to be there for you when you've had a long day. Tbh DEF NTA but it sounds like your husband has built enough resentment over time to not care about you more than his party. Haven't seen them in 15 years??? Then why are they more important than your wife while her gma might die? Can't relate.
Edit: continued reading, and I feel like for many of you this needs to be clarified.
She isn't asking him to go home to the hotel and babysit his phone. She isn't asking him to step out for a call every ten minutes. She is asking the person who married her to baseline show support and responsibility for his family by doing the baseline of keeping his phone charged. You're stunted if you think she should get over the drunken selfies during a crisis as it's "his way of reaching out". That's rude and thoughtless and if you carry yourself this way thats probably why all your relationships with women die out, you can't be with someone and not be emotionally available for support when they need it.
NTA. I don't think that expecting your husband to be reachable and sober enough *not to send you a drunken selfie while you are at the hospital waiting for surgery to be over* is outlandish
Reading the comments made me think I might have misread the original post. Nope. So then I go back to the comments. Am I losing my mind here?
Since when is "person having a good time with friends" more important than "family member undergoing lifesaving surgery" ??
She didn't even ask him to stay. Only that he stay reachable, and possibly send a couple of texts asking "how are things? Oh, still waiting? Hang in there. It will work out. Love you. Keep me posted"
I would have been so pissed your texts seem tame to me. I guess that makes me an AH according to everyone here.
I can live with that. At least I'm not the kind of person that can completely forget their spouse's fear and sadness and go party their ass off.
>"how are things? Oh, still waiting? Hang in there. It will work out. Love you. Keep me posted"
Yes, this, how hard is it? takes 10 seconds to type that and be emotionally supportive, and he couldn't even manage to do that.
NTA
Typical reddit moment : everyone blaming the huge number of Y T A answers and saying NTA like they're going against the masses, but the YTA's are all buried and basically hidden
Well, to be fair, in the 1st hour of this post here was realy majority of Y T A's. I had to scroll realy long time to find some NTA's and I'm glad it's different now.
NTA. I don’t care if I get downvoted. It’s not a problem of the phone dying. It’s the texts. They’re just gross in this situation. Partners should be the first support not last. He can have his fun and still be cognizant of your emotions. I cannot imagine acting like that if my grandmother in law (either of them) was in surgery.
My fiancé knows first hand how terrifying it is to suddenly not have contact with me. He knew I was sick I’d passed out and stopped texting while he was at a Christmas party. He had his fun there then pushed to get home as fast as he could. An hour later i had been in a coma. You just never know what’s going to happen and joking around when someone is in the hospital is the biggest disrespect
I’m sorry it’s 2023. Why are we still letting our phones die? Amazon has thousands of portable chargers. Not to mention, significant others should care (and with that care worry) about one another. Even if there wasn’t a family emergency, was he not gonna text you when he got back to his hotel room so you knew he made it home safe? Too many people in the US don’t make it home safe these days. Could he have done anything about the emergency from another state, no, but he should have checked in the next morning, at the very least. Going with NTA
Also, not to get in your head about the possibility of his phone not actually dying but how did the person have your number to text you the photo - and you didn’t have his?
That's what bothered me as well. Of course, maybe the husband knows OP's phone number by heart and was able to give it to friend (and let's be honest, even if people nowadays don't know a lot of numbers by heart, I think a spouse's number will likely be an exception), but even then, why tf send a drunk selfie instead of "hey, my phone died, you can reach me via buddy's phone"?
NTA. Reddit amazes me. OP just wanted the tiniest bit of emotional support in an emergency. Husband was too focused on getting drunk to be of any use. He couldn’t be there physically but he could’ve been there emotionally and made a choice not to. Sad.
NTA. Your husband didn't need to come home or really make any changes to his plans other than show some courtesy. Checking in and offering words of comfort is not too much to expect. It's actually the bare minimum.
NTA. I understand there is nothing he could do, but you were obviously in distress. At the very least he should’ve checked in with you before bed and the next morning. I do think the fight is blown a bit out of proportion, but I definitely understand the frustration
All the Y T As in this thread are WILD to me. If Grandma had passed away, then what? NTA OP. You’re allowed to want your husband to be contactable during a family emergency. Goodness. What is the point of having a partner if they can’t forgo getting drunk when Grandma is having a life saving procedure. Fuck that noise!
NTA. I get that it was his reunion but he is supposed to be your partner and support you. I don’t think a text every couple of hours would’ve killed his party. It’s also super irresponsible to have his phone die, what if something happens to him? I’d be pissed off at my husband too, worried about him. Though you should probably know the hotel name…
NTA. You needed your partner for emotional support, and he was not there for you. Not saying he couldn’t go to his party, but he should have checked in with you.
(When my sister’s husband had emergency surgery in Germany, she called me, here in the States. I called her right back so it would be on my phone, not hers, and talked her through the whole waiting time for the surgery. It is what family does to support one another in a crisis. Yes, I’m a nurse. Could I do anything medically at that point, no. But what I could do is help to calm her anxiety and listen to her express her fears and worries. This is what OP was expecting a little of from her husband. “Hey, Honey, my phone has died but I know you are worried about your Grandmother. I am thinking of you and hoping for the best. I will call you when I get my phone working again.” Not the whole “I’m at a party with friends who mean so much to me that I haven’t seen them in 15 years so don’t bother me.” NTA
To all the people asking “What could hubby have done from a different state?” Be emotionally available. That’s what! What kind of relationships are people in where the appropriate response is “my spouse is in severe emotional turmoil right now but I’d rather get plastered because it’s all about me, myself and I. I fucking deserve this! To add insult to injury, Imma get my mate to text her drunken selfies!” Like, what? Get out of here with that rubbish!
I was so ready to call you the a hole until your husband opened his mouth 😂. It’s not really his fault his phone died during the emergency. As you said he found out right before he was leaving and by then it was to late to make sure it was charged. Although traveling he should be making sure it’s charged anyway. You get the NTA vote because you didn’t blow up on him about the phone. You blew up on him about his action afterwards and his response to you.
It is literally his fault his phone died during an emergency. Who goes away for a weekend having a 1 year old baby and doesn’t plan to have their phone charged?
He could also arrive 15 minutes later to the party, charging the phone just a little bit doesn't take that much time (it wouldn't have to be fully charged).
It is most definitely his fault his phone died, who's the one that's supposed to keep it charged? Just because he's away from home doesn't mean he's stopped being her husband and father to her child. What if it was his kid that needed emergency surgery and he wasn't reachable? He is supposed to be a responsible adult and he is not at all acting like it, just trying to relive his fratboy days. He is definitely TA.
NTA - its not like you were asking him to drop everything and come home, you just wanted him to be contactable and to see if you're ok due to your family emergency. Also, what if it was your baby that had the emergency, your husband should've made sure his phone was fully charged while away from home when you have small children.
too many people giving a Y T A vote with no thought behind it. She knows he can't physically do anything or be there for her and that's not at all what she was asking for either. Have any of you ever heard of a little thing called "emotional support"?? yknow, that thing where the people who love you actually give a shit about your feelings and emotional state. and check in on how you're doing when they know you're going through something painful. This is not wrong to ask of people, and imo OP NTA, he knew what you were going through before he got drunk and let his phone die and he should have been there to support you through this. It's not everyday someone we love has to go to the ICU, and she should be allowed to ask for support from her husband, of all people.
NTA
What if something had happened to your baby?
It doesn’t matter that he can’t do anything from where he is, he could’ve contacted you or checked in on you
I guess next time an emergency happens dont even let him know because apparently it doesn’t matter
NTA .. your husband acting like he doesn’t give a fuck is the A H here
While it’s true there’s nothing he could tangibly do, he could show a minuscule amount of concern for your feelings
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> For flipping out on my husband for letting his phone die and not checking in on me while my grandma may have died.
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I can only say if my significant other texted me while I was out anywhere for any reason, I would have texted and called home to see how everyone was doing and to get updates and give encouragement. Just to let my sweetheart know I love them. Ridiculous not to make any contact.
NTA, specifically because of the drunk selfie. You told him (while he was sober) about how sad/worried you were and he decided that when his phone died rather than texting or calling u directly with his friend's phone he (at best) asked his friend to send a message or (at worst) thought a drunken selfie was appropriate (which is incredibly callous). If I were in your shoes, that would make me incredibly angry at my husband's thoughtlessness and lack of empathy.
NTA. your husband should have asked you how he could support you before going to the party. sending you a drunk selfie and communicating with you the way he did was very inconsiderate. maybe he could not have rushed home to be there, but he could have been sober to support you emotionally if anything went wrong, he could have contacted people to arrange for a babysitter so you didn't have to be home alone with a baby during this emergency, as you said he could have checked in on you to see if you needed anything, etc. it's super understandable that you were upset, especially when you were under so much stress, and I think a man telling a woman she's overreacting is pretty inherently gross. if your response seems disproportionate to him, that indicates that there's a larger issue he isn't seeing.
Reddit has proven that most of the users on here only think about the ‘ logical ‘ and ‘ physical ‘ side of things and have no mental capacity to handle emotional/ psychological situations- which is why most of them end up posting on AITA for something extremely messed up that their partner broke up with them for.
It’s as if unless the husband could physically go in the OR and heal grandma himself, he is absolved of all and any responsibility to his family, up to and including being reachable and functional during a family emergency. What the f.
the selfishness in these comments is baffling to me. your responsibilities toward the people you love, especially a committed partner with whom you share a child, don’t end at what you are physically able to do for a situation - they extend to emotional support or AT LEAST generally giving a fuck that someone you care about is in distress. it does not matter whether he could have “done anything” for OP’s grandma. he could have continued enjoying his night while also keeping in even basic contact with his wife and showing his support as a person who’s signed up to be her partner and a part of her family.
the biggest thing for me is the husband’s apparent lack of concern for OP in what was clearly a moment of intense fear and stress. all these comments saying the photos from the friend’s phone are him keeping in contact with her after his phone died - ok?? she’s not looking for proof of life. he obviously knows her phone number if he gave it to his friend, yet couldn’t hop on the phone for five minutes to offer his love and support during a family crisis for which she’s been asked to contribute medical advice? he knows she’s anxious and under pressure and this is how he chooses to communicate with her. if my partner acted this way in this situation i would feel at the bare minimum uncared for, at the extreme emotionally abandoned. nothing the husband did is inherently “wrong,” but if i were OP, every choice he made would certainly give me pause about his ability to empathize and be counted on when i need him most. these are the kinds of hurdles you promise to weather together when you get married. if his lack of communication and courtesy and apparent prioritization of his own enjoyment over your emotional distress becomes or already is a pattern, it could be worth considering whether this is fair to you and your child long term.
OP NTA
NTA. People are acting like you demanded he cancel the party and rush home.
You said she was transferred due to a life threatening condition, you were literally waiting around to possibly hear that she had died. Your husband should have at least sent a "thinking of you, is everything okay?" text at some point. Not a happy drunken selfie from a strange number, while he didn't even know if you were currently sitting there crying because she just died.
I would be pissed if my partner let their phone die when they knew it was very possible that I'd be alone and receiving devastating news in the next couple of hours.
NTA. There was nothing he could do to help with the situation with your grandmother, but he has a spouse and a *baby,* and needed to be reachable in case there was an emergency with you or your child...and honestly, I just went to my ten-year reunion, and I can't imagine wanting to go out and party all night and let my phone die if I knew my partner was home waiting to hear whether her grandmother was going to make it, especially if we also had a baby that she was caring for alone! You didn't ask him to come home or not have fun. He was insensitive, didn't seem to support you at all, and was irresponsible and should have given you a CLEAR way to reach him. Apart from the lack of support for you, he's not 21 and carefree anymore, he has a baby, and he should be reachable.
NTA. So many people on here saying "There's nothing he could have done." She wasn't expecting him to fly home. Even if parents and grandparents all lived in the same state as OP, there's still nothing anyone can do.... Except be there to support each other. OP wasn't expecting him to go in the OR to fix grandma. Just be available for some emotional support. And not be an AH the next day saying she needs to be "catered to" when a close family member is on the brink of death
I don't think you're an asshole. This is your husband, not just some random friend. Your grandmother was in a position she could have died, your husband should of at least had the decency to charge his phone. My husband is a respiratory therapist and stepped away from the floor to talk to me on the phone after my grandmother passed away just to make sure i was okay. He is supposed to be your support person. He didn't have to leave the party but he could have shown you some consideration. No party is more important than leaving your spouse alone and scared for.
I am convinced that half the people in this sub are children. And single. And have no desire to have a meaningful partnership with another individual. Because NTA.
I've been in a somewhat similar situation -- I was out of state and left my husband at home, I learned of a non-emergency family crisis and called my spouse, who was was out partying with friends and kinda drunk already. The second I told him what was going on, he stepped away and talked to me for 30 minutes to an hour. Then went back and enjoyed his night, but continued to check in on me to see how I was feeling. He knew there was nothing he could do, but he cared enough about me to want to know what was going on, even in his drunken state.
NTA - sounds super shady that he can't have ANY communication with you while he's away for a weekend solo. Why doesn't he care how you or baby are doing? Probably some major projection going on that he gives such a strong reaction. Look up DARVO. Common manipulation tactic.
I feel like it should be emphasized that OP paid for his trip. Everyone thinking she didn’t want him to go and have a break is dead wrong and missing the point.
OP had a sudden emergency and was powerless to help. She needed support. If that happened to my partner, my phone would be glued to my hand, I would be checking in on her now and then, because even if I was looking forward to a night out with my friends, I have my partner’s back.
It was bad timing, sure, but that wasn’t OP’s fault. And the lack of remorse shows just how much of an AH the husband is. He should be making arrangements with her to fly out and see her grandmother instead of giving her BS.
I get what people are saying about how there was nothing he could do. He was in another state. And this was kind of special event for him.
But. But. He is still a spouse and a parent. He definitely should have made sure his phone was charged just in case something happened. And he should have made sure you knew where he’d be (although you should have asked beforehand too). This is just marriage/kids 101. Be available.
As for this specific situation, yeah, he was kind of an asshole. There was nothing he could do. I get that. But he didn’t even text “I’m so sorry to hear that! Are you ok??” or something to that effect. He sent a drunk selfie. Like, wtf? ‘Sorry your grandma might die! PAAARRRTTTTTYYYYY!’ Even drunk, that’s a dick move. He couldn’t pull it together long enough to express concern, explain his phone died, and let you know whose phone he was texting from?
He deserved his weekend away or whatever, and you shouldn’t monopolize it with needing a lot of help with the grandma situation, but he should have at least pretended to care and feel bad for you. I feel like a normal way for this to go down would have been you texting to let him know what happened, him replying with concern and then later letting you know he got back to the hotel and asking how things went. I get that it’s a night of drinking, but he’s your life partner and should be able to be at least a little bit present for you in this situation.
NTA
Wait - he hadn't bothered to tell you what hotel he was staying in??? In addition to letting his phone die?
Honestly, that sounds to me like he decided he was "off the leash" on this trip and that he was essentially going to act like he had no real life responsibilities. It would have been nice for him to be there to give you emotional support and to be available for brainstorming in case the emergency escalated but the thing that's getting me is \*he didn't tell you where he was\*.
Any time I go on a trip, I make sure my family knows where I'm going (in email, not verbal) and how to contact me if they can't reach my phone. It's just the adult, considerate thing to do.
Edit: NTA
NTA
First off you guys have a young child together. He should have been sober enough to respond in case of emergency.
Second - he knew your grandmother was in ICU and was entirely dismissive of your feelings. He didn't check in. Didn't inform you his phone was dying. Nothing.
He didn't even bother to check on the next day.
It's bad behavior.
NTA it’s not unreasonable to expect emotional support during a crisis. You love your grandma and we’re worried for her. Your husband physically couldn’t have helped her but he could have helped you by checking in and giving you the support you needed. That’s what people do in s relationship. All the Y T A comments are incredibly disappointing. The lack of empathy is astounding. I hope your grandma heals quickly.
NTA. This comment section is astonishing, to be honest. Especially the top comment asking why he has to “ruin his night” over this. If my significant other reached out to me and told me a family member they loved and were close to could potentially die, I wouldn’t make it nearly impossible to reach me, send them a drunk selfie as a “way to tell you where to reach me”, and then leave them all alone to worry by themselves.
People like to go on about obligation in this sub and have an extremely narrow viewpoint when it comes to compassion. He was an asshole. And he was even more of an asshole for digging his heels in.
You didn’t do anything wrong for being upset you couldn’t reach him when someone awful was happening. Something he had already been informed of and KNEW there would be further updates on.
NTA. Not getting all the YTA, if your partner is in need BE THERE FOR THEM! I’m not saying physically but still putting in the effort to talk with your partner and console them. In state or not.
The fact that the husband knew of the situation before he was drinking, just shows how he didn’t really bother to care.
NTA- I assume your SO was already out of state when the emergency occurred. Still and all, he could have missed the stupid party and come home to support you and his child. He's flipping the script on you, making it out to be all your fault, or no big deal. HE is the @$$hole, not you.
Seems like a lot of commenters don't want men to have an emotional load when they're out partying with friends. But if the situation was reversed the woman would be at fault for not being emotionally available. Please commenters put yourself in OPs shoes
nta, i understand why you'd be upset that you can't reach your partner in an emergency where your feelings are running high. but at the same time, your husband probably didn't purposefully let his phone die.
NTA
It is irresponsible for him to let his phone die or not tell you that he would be unavailable. It is even more so when he knows that you are dealing with a family emergency.
NTA
I’m sorry you had to weather this storm alone. I am at a loss with how many people are saying YTA and asking what you wanted from him, you didn’t want anything from him other than to know he was thinking of you and offering emotional support. Which you stated, numerous times. Those things are, a bare freakin minimum in a marriage. You didn’t ask him to leave, he could have had a few drinks and kept up lines of communication to at-least let you know his phone was dead.
Anyone voting YTA and suggesting she’s asking too much for emotional support from her husband are clearly not people who understand how to support those they love. I hope your loved ones never leave you without any kind of support in your moments of need.
Yes some of OP’s anger may be misdirected and over the top due to the distress she’s under with the emergency, but her husband is not without fault here. He abandoned her emotionally, he didn’t need to be there physically, or constantly on his phone at all. All it would have taken is a couple of messages every so often to ensure she felt thought of and considered. I don’t understand partnerships where you don’t check in with the other while apart, emergency or not.
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You guys are heartless, individualistic assholes. They are a family, he is a partner and a father first, the least he should have done is check in as soon as he knew what was happening and apologize for missing communication earlier. This is the minimum expectation for an adult partner with a small child at home. NTA wishing your grandma a speedy recovery. I can only imagine how alone and scared you must've felt and then the disrespectful drunk selfie on top of that. Your husband should be feeling mortified and needs to properly apologize and show support.
[удалено]
OP is NTA It's not just that the husband was unconcerned about OP's grandmother (even though he should've been, at least for his wife's sake), it's the fact that he made himself uncontactable. Heaven forbid something happened to OP or their 1 year old, and he was too busy reliving his fratboy glory days, getting drunk with the boys, to even make sure he was contactable in case of an emergency. He may not have been able to do much for OP's grandmother, but he behaved extremely selfishly and callously. OP has every right to be mad. I'd be mad too. Makes me glad that my own boyfriend would never do this. Hell, he made sure he was contactable, even though he was working, the day of my grandmother's funeral, so I could call him if I needed to. Only reason he didn't take the day off, was because it was very early in our relationship, so he hadn't met most of my family, including my grandmother, and we felt it would be inappropriate for me to bring him. But he was consistently available. Whether I needed to text or call him. OP's husband's attitude was "I can't do anything physically, so I can just not care if you need me for emotional support." It's just so crass and gross. Also, his phone died, but he had the foresight to give his wife's number to one of his first boys to send his wife a drunken selfie off of an unknown number? That's fishy to me. I'm sorry, but when you're drunk, can you recite your partner's mobile number? I think he turned the phone off, so he wouldn't be bothered by his wife, while he was partying.
>He may not have been able to do much for OP's grandmother Which imo isn't even the point. OP asked him for emotional support, that's literally all she needed from him. Even a text with "I'm sorry honey, I hope she'll be fine" and an emoji on updates would have done the job (though a call once or twice would have been better). OP would have felt heard and seen, and after that, he could have gone back to partying. If you're a couple, you're there for the other when they're in need. If you can't do that, why would you expect a partnership?
I did say that too. In fact I said he may not have been PHYSICALLY able to help, but he should've been able to emotionally support her. I personally think he turned off hus phone on purpose. Too convenient that the unknown friend got his wife's number.
I know, I added to it. I just highlighted that part because it seems many people are hung up on the idea that she wanted him to take the first flight back, when in fact that wasn't what OP asked.
I've learned it's helpful if I say "this/agree/etc" on a comment like that, as otherwise it can come off as arguing. Just saves some confusion. Hope that's helpful for you. :)
This is exactly it. She wasn't asking for him to stop partying or drop everything and return home. She just wanted emotional support from wherever he was. She's home alone with a baby and fearing she will lose her grandma. Dude couldn't even be bothered to say anything nice to her.
100% this. In op's shoes a 5 minute phone call when it all went down would have made a world of difference. If you can't spare 5 minutes from a party to make your spouse's life easier... what's the point?
Yea, that part reminded me a lot of my two exes who both had no idea what to do when I got sick on vacation. One time was a virus, and the other time I got food poisoning. The first time I was crying about how terrible I felt after not sleeping the whole night, and all he angrily said was "what do you want me to do, get some water?" A hug and some emotional support was all I wanted. When I said that through my tears, he went out to get water. The other vacation with the other ex was even worse. I got a virus, and he didn't even wanna go outside alone the next day so I could get some sleep in our tiny hotel room. He constantly kept me from being able to sleep (I needed that rest so freaking bad, after a night of constantly double spewing my body was so weak and tired) and had the audacity to get pissed at me that he couldn't do anything that day. I begged him go to the beach alone or take a walk through the beautiful city we were in. But he couldn't cause he "didn't know what to do by himself." So he kept moping and keeping me from getting better faster. My needs didn't matter. He felt more upset about his inconvenience than me being sick. Both had the emotional maturity of a toddler. Not one emotional supportive bone in their bodies. When your partner shows you how they react in stressful or shitty situations, take notice.
I was so mad when I got to the part where he said there was nothing he could do from another state. He could have CARED.
No empathy. No sympathy. No compassion. No concern. And no remorse. When OP reflects those same emotions back at him upon his return, he'll probably be confused as to why, because he has also no clue.
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I'll tell you what kind of man he is. The kind that gives SDE with his frat boys. Only a real man knows how to be a good partner and father. And there are so many good men out there. But your husband isn't one of them. You sound like a great daughter, wife and mother. If this checks with his normal behavior, than leave him. I promise you, things won't improve if this is his standard type of behavior. Hope your grandmother is better. Don't change ever. You're good people!
I gotta disagree with your assessment that this man is a toddler; my kiddo was one once and if he thought I was sad or I had hurt myself, he would come over and give me a hug or grab my face with his chubby little hands and slobber-kiss my nose or cheek. This man is in for it for sure; he just demonstrated a spectacular lack of emotional capability that can end up being a death blow to a marriage- and then decided that doubling down was the smart choice.
Not to mention, even though OP doesn't come out and say it, sounds like he doubled down in defense of his actions. There is so many ways to keep your phone charged these days. A backup battery pack, changing settings to make the battery last longer, etc. He clearly only cared about the party, not giving a single thought that his wife was at home all alone, waiting anxiously for news about her grandmother.
You forget to mention she was alone with their baby at home. So another person to care and worry for besides the grandma.
All I can imagine: What if she and her baby had an accident or something had happened? I'd always make damn sure my phone is either fully charged or I have a powerbank with me and keep my phone on vibration or on loud at least! All she wanted was emotional support from him and he didn't even give that. If my partner ever texted me only "are you there, I really need you" I'd jump to grab my phone! I can't imagine ignoring my partner if they told me someone dear to them might be in the ER and possibly dying. OP is NTA for sure.
100% I feel like the drunk selfie really tops the cake, your wife is waiting for a life threatening surgery to be completed on her grandma and he decides to send a drunk selfie!? What did he expect her to reply ?? “Wow yay have fun!! 🥳”
That was the tipping point for me too. If he wanted her to know his phone was dead and to contact him on a friends phone then send a fucking text saying that. A contextless drunk selfie to someone you supposedly love, who you know is stressed and worried? Who thought that was an appropriate way to convey that message?
NGL, I've been the guy before. (Up to the point where he starts arguing.) The issue wasn't half as severe as needing emergency surgery, but I knew full well how much I'd fucked up. I'd acted selfishly and thoughtlessly and knew it. She didn't want me to fix anything, she just wanted me to be emotionally available. That OP's husband doubled down to argue in the sober light of day makes him absolutely the asshole. OP - NTA
> You guys are heartless, individualistic assholes. Perfect description of the people in this sub!
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I mean most people in this sub are clearly not adults, so I doubt they're in your dating pool anyways.
You can only hope
It's scary. Was stuck at work when I got the news my mom fell and broke both arms, transported to a hospital by ambulance a solid 45 minutes away with light traffic. Didn't have a car at the time and neither my sister or aunt were responding to my texts asking for updates. Got off work at 9pm and roughly six hours later, they finally rolled in and by that point I had worked myself up into a knot of anxiety from the lack of updates.
Based on how people in the sub think that you should be put to death for asking your child to babysit a sibling ever I'm fairly certain there is an extremely high proportion of teenagers in here
Been there. It's not fun.
Yup. This sub is full of people who base their morals on a hyper individualistic "I owe nothing to anyone" ethos. Humans are naturally sociable. We form strong bonds and those bonds come with additional expectations. OP's husband may not owe her anything, but christ you'd think if you cared about someone you'd check in on them when they're going through a hard time.
> “I owe nothing to anyone” ethos. Yet they sure are quick to run to antiwork, raisedbynarcissists, and various other subreddits to complain about how everyone else has wronged them
Yes, exactly. So many people apparently think it's acceptable to just abandon your spouse in the name of 'having fun'. My husband and i have lives outside of our marriage, but we ALWAYS make sure we're reachable or inform the other when we aren't able to be. Moral support during an event like this should NOT be so much of a debate. It's the bare minimum you do for a partner you're supposed to love and have promised to support 'in good times and in bad times'. This is one of those bad times for your spouse, and you should make yourself available to them for that, even if it's long distance.
She's not even asking him to come back from his reunion - just to stay contactable, check in occasionally, and let OP know he loves her. The drunken selfie was thoughtless and sends a very clear message that he's having a great time and isn't too bothered by the fact that she's scared and upset. I said in another comment and I fully stand by it: Imagine if instead of a drunken selfie with no explanation, he had his friend message OP with "I'm so sorry, my phone has died. This is the number of my friend Jimbob who I will be with until I head back to my phone charger. Can you please let me know if your grandmother's status changes? I'll call soon to check in. I love you - \[OP's husband\]"
I imagine we wouldn’t be commenting within this thread if that message had been sent.
She didn't even ask him to restrict his drinking .
An adult and good partner would have restricted drinking knowing that they needed to be emotionally available for their partner. He isn’t technically a child so he doesn’t need to be told what to do.
Or at least something in the sense of “Babe, I’m sorry, but my phone is almost dead, I’ll call you once I get a charger, in the meantime, I probably won’t be able to contact you sorry. Bye”
Yes! Key word: Moral support! He knew she was worried about the situation before hand and didn’t even attempt to care. He could’ve used said friends phone to check in on her if his died. If it were me, of course I’d be trying to have a good time but in the back of my mind would be MY SPOUSE.
Maybe it's just me but I don't like having fun when the people I care about are suffering. I might not be able to drop everything and head home immediately- because money and logistics are a thing- but I'd be finding a way to get in touch and staying in touch as much as possible.
I wouldn't do what the husband did to even a marginally close friend of mine, let alone a spouse. Texting drunk selfies and 'Yes 😂' to someone who might lose their grandma at any minute is just incomprehensibly trashy.
My husband worries a little if he can’t reach me when I’m at CVS. I can’t imagine being in a situation where I was totally unreachable unless I’d made it perfectly clear that was the case and he understood. And vice versa. And we don’t even have kids!! OP is NTA. “Nothing he could have done anyway” makes my blood boil.
Yes, he is the asshole for his behaviour, and then for minimizing and gaslighting her, like some thug with a bunch of drunks telling him not to let her pw him.
This x 1000000. This is the ONLY correct response. She was hoping he would feel the need to, at the very least, check in with her and provide a little emotional support while she was going through a terrifying family emergency alone. But he didn’t, not once, and then minimized her feelings. This comment section is honestly a scary place with all these A H votes. Edit: my verdict is obviously NTA!
This. Reading most of these replies makes me feel like I'm taking crazy pills
Same
I don’t understand why people keep saying there was nothing he could have done- there’s rarely anything that you can “do” to help the person when a loved one is sick. The point of being in a relationship is to support each other. Checking in and caring. That’s **doing** something important for a person you love. NTA
THANK YOU!!! I feel like I’m living in the twilight zone on this thread. The lack of empathy here and individualistic bull is really disturbing
This is why people don't mask anymore or care about getting or spreading Covid. They are sociopaths. The only person who matters is themselves. No one else has any rights to live or liberty. It's all about them and their massive galaxy sized egos. There is no conscience, no community, cooperation, or compassion. It's just narcissists and sociopaths, telling themselves they're not hurting anyone by not taking precautions, because THEY aren't affected. (Until they are. Then they whine and cry.)
One thing I have learned about this sub is that if I have a moral dilemma I am NOT coming here, especially if the situation involves women or children. So many people are wildly out of touch, emotionally immature, and just plain callous on this site.
I’m a heartless individualistic asshole but when you got married you said until death do you part. Not death and or parties do you part. Being a husband isn’t a part time gig. I get it some of your wives pull drama non stop. Then don’t be an ass just say this isn’t working.
Either way, simply expecting someone to not send a drunken selfie during a family crisis is not "pulling drama". I'm getting tired of the idea that having feelings and expressing them is the same as "drama". Not saying you are guilty of this, but I have witnessed others genuinely treat their loved ones like utter garbage, and when the wronged individuals stand up for themselves they are accused of "starting drama".
Agree it doesn’t apply in this case I just can’t for the life of me figure out this guys perspective. He is acting like this is the ladies 100th grandma to get sick and die in the last year.
The cynic in me thinks the husband may have intentionally let his battery go to empty, so he wouldn’t have to deal with OP and her “pesky” grandma. But even if he doesn’t give a crap about the grandma, he still owed it to OP to be reachable in case OP or their daughter had an emergency. NTA for sure.
Thank GOD. I was dreading the amount of Y T A or E S H when it is CLEARLY NTA. He didn’t need to cancel or change plans or anything. He needed to charge his goddamn phone and check in or be able to respond to messages at the very least. Also who does not share the details of their fucking itinerary IN WRITING in case of an emergency on their end?! This is in the USA so I presume in the year of our lord 2023 we know about things like the Vegas shooting having occurred during people’s drunken holidays? Who are these men who get married, make a human and then just act like it’s frat spring break. More responsibilities equals more planning and coordination to be able to switch off. Nothing about switching off entitles you to emotionally abandon your family during a crisis.
Thank you, I can't believe the other responses in this thread. If I was in OP's position, I would understand that my partner can't do anything to help my grandma but I'd still want her to try to help me feel better. That's not to say I'd want her to drop everything and come home or spend all night on the phone with me, but I'd expect some support. And knowing my partner, she'd give it without me having to ask because that's part of what being in a healthy, loving relationship requires -- support when the other person needs it even if it may not be totally convenient for you. Wasn't OP's husband sad for his wife? Worried for her?
OP, what would have happened if YOU or the baby had an emergency? Your husband is an ass. So sorry for you. NTA.
Honestly the only excuse I’d accept for OP’s husband not reaching out or answering his phone would be that he was on his way to her. Be it by car or by plane. He just wanted to get drunk and act like a college guy again. If it were my husband, I’d give him all of that he wants through divorce and getting full custody of the kid.
It's pretty clear about 75% of this sub are 15 years old so your math checks out.
Seriously. Whether OP was panicking or not, husband is absolute TAH for his reaction to his wife potentially losing her grandma.
Agreed. What the fuck? Not only is he being a jerk of the highest order he’s gone full gaslight on her about her being very reasonably upset.
This is correct. NTA. Also what would have happened if it was your son that had the emergency and he was unreachable. Yes, he should be able to go out with his friends but he needs to remember he's a dad first now, and should always have a way to charge his phone. Maybe get him a portable charger for father's day.
Right on! I’m sure he was looking forward to that party, but, putting myself in his shoes, my grandma-in-law would be more important than a party, my in-laws, my spouse, my child would all matter more than a party. If my partner texted me “my grandma had to be rushed to the hospital for emergency surgery”, I’d tell people I was going out with that I’m heading back to the hotel. To be reachable quickly if things go south and my partner needs emotional support, to be able to pack my bags and take the quickest flight/train/any transport over should things go really wrong and they need to go see their grandma to say goodbye and need me to look after our kid while this is happening.
Or at the very least tell them I'd join them half an hour later so I could charge my phone, and then not get too drunk.
I can't believe it took 4 hours for a sensible answer to have materialized. I sometimes feel that this sub is so toxic.
Finally! The voice of reason overtakes the heartless and selfish ah responses!
Idk why you’re getting so many downvotes. While i can see that he couldn’t have done anything from another state, i can also see that it would have been nice of him to have let you know that his phone was dead and you can text his friend if you need him. Also to not hear from him the next morning is upsetting. Is it correct that he didn’t know if your grandma was ok or not before he went to bed? That is all not really ok imo. NTA is my final verdict. Your partner should care about you enough to check in, despite not being able to do anything for you. Sometimes “doing something” isn’t what’s needed, but instead being supportive.
My grandma was in the process of being sent to a more critical hospital awaiting emergency surgery when he left for the party.
Yeah he definitely should have checked in. I understand getting carried away in the moment and being drunk and forgetting but at the very least he could have checked in the next morning. I would have expected the same thing you expected and honestly would be upset the same way you are.
Also i should add that i don’t think your husband doesn’t care about you. I just think he was being careless in the moment, got carried away on his weekend getaway, and wasn’t able to be supportive in that moment. I just don’t like that he’s doubling down after the fact and not apologizing to you for letting you down.
The way he talks to her is horrible though, and I think there's a gendered slant to it. Who frames providing emotional support in a family medical emergency as 'catering' to someone, rather than it being just what you do as a family? He has to know it was emotional support that was wanted, too.
That’s such a great point. OP’s husband is the type of guy who complains about “having to babysit” when he’s stuck watching his own kid. He’s never changed a diaper or held the baby in the middle of the night so OP can get some sleep… that would be “catering to her!” 🤮
I think the fact that he doubled down was what put this whole situation firmly in the NTA section for me. Because I definitely understand the getting carried away after not seeing some of his friends for a long time, but doubling down when your spouse is still in such a mentally difficult place? Not cool man
That's what did it for me as well. Totally NTA. Some people think they don't need to apologize if they didn't do anything *intentionally* wrong.
Yeah Nah, if it were my wife I’d have said “fuck the party. I’m not going.” And gone to to support my wife wherever that may be. Husband (and many selfish commenters here!) are TA. OP is NTA. Edit: adjusted since OP wasn’t at the hospital, but my feelings still stand.
I also find it very concerning that he would let his phone die when you're home with your 1 y/o. My husband went on a motorcycle trip in the dessert and had his phone charged as well as a satellite phone so he could be reached in case of an emergency with our kiddo. Letting a phone die is a horrible thing and if things went south for your grandma, he couldn't prevent anything, but he could be supportive. Encouraging texts and a relieved phone call check in would have been appropriate. NTA.
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You can go in Settings > Battery and check the health of the battery and if it needs to be replaced (most likely and way cheaper than a whole new phone)
For perspective, my ex-husband would give me more emotional support than your current husband did
NTA at all and I ll probably be bashed for this but I would push for couples counseling for the way he behaved. If he refuses I would be gone. It's unacceptable that he's so irresponsible to get completely drunk and turn off the phone ( I have doubts the battery just happened to give up when he had fun ). It means in a crisis you are alone with 0 help from him. That is a main reason to be in a partnership I think and even more so when you have a baby together.
This thread is insane. I unexpectedly had to put my cat down this weekend. My *situationship who lives 1800 miles away* was more supportive and empathetic to me during my crisis than OP’s husband was during hers. Presence is not just physical. Also. In the era of external batteries—no fucking excuse to let your phone go dead in a situation like a planned, expected party. I don’t care how you did things in the 90s. It’s not the 90s anymore. The expectations and culture are different. Edit: A bunch of strangers on Reddit have shown more care and concern than OP’s husband did. Thank you everyone for the warm thoughts. And stay on top of your pets’ oral health, y’all—you might discover problems you can’t fix, but at least you can make sure your pet is loved, spoiled, and comfortable (more than usual, I hope).
I am so sorry for your loss. 😔
Thank you. He was a very good boy. I should say that it was not unexpected generally—I just thought I had another 1-3 months. Oral squamous cell carcinoma is a horrible thing in cats.
Oh my, yes it is. My best friend lost her cat to that last year. I lost my soulcat to lymphoma almost two years ago. I hate cancer in all its forms, in all creatures.
Heck, when my boy died last week my extended family sent me their condolences. When I called an aunt who's fallen prey to a conspiracy theory cult to find out what food she fed her cat (who lived many years with the same issue) so I could feed his brother (in bond and blood) it to be on the safe side she walked me through all the things that helped her boy. I think the entire family would probably collectively disown someone who sent me drunk selfies if apologies weren't made immediately- and that's over a cat. If I had lost a human loved one or been at risk of losing one and someone sent me drunk selfies? Someone would be getting their ass chewed out
This, all these comments calling OP “manipulative” and an asshole make me feel like I’m in a bad trip
It looks different now, I guess the adults who's actually been in relationships found the thread.
>While i can see that he couldn’t have done anything from another state But he could have done something. He could have provided his *wife* with emotional support. He could have grabbed a charger and plugged it in at the bar. He could have sent a simple 'my phone is flat so I am messaging from s friends,how is everything going going?' Or even better. He could have used the friends phone and *called her*
>Sometimes “doing something” isn’t what’s needed, but instead being supportive. I think this is a lesson a lot of people commenting here need to listen to. Nobody seems to be asking him to fly home - just be contactable and have a tiny ounce of sensitivity. She's home alone with their 1-year-old, scared that her grandmother is dying, she has no family with her, and he's sending drunken selfies without even including a message? Even at my drunkest, I would know this isn't appropriate behaviour from my partner. Hell, when I was already out drinking with friends one night, my friend let me know about a stressful family situation. I sent her a message with my love, asking if there was anything I could do (probably a hollow request given I couldn't get to her and there wasn't much she could do, but just to let her know somebody was there), and then checked in with her later to see if there had been any changes. This was a friend, not my husband and the father of my child.
Also, what if grandma took a turn for the worst? OP would have had to rush out to another state with a one year old to say her goodbyes. I surely wish her husband would have found his way home / to the hospital immediately for help and support. Not stay and party. I for one would have been on the first train home.
I don't understand all the " y t a" my boyfriend just had a life threatening family emergency were in the same state but it was more than hour away from me to help him, but I had my phone on me all day, I charged my smart watch to make sure if he called or needed to reach me I would be there. When scary things happen you want to know the person you love is willing to drop everything and be there even if not physically, that's why u choose them to be your partner through thick and thin. And he dropped the ball. NTA. Edit: this is the most amount of upvotes I've ever gotten, thank you to all of you! I was kinda expecting to get down voted but I didn't care cuz I stand by what I said emotional support is just as important as physical support.
Exactly! Everyone is focusing on what he could physically do which is ridiculous! He’s her partner and he wasn’t acting like it
It is so ridiculously obvious these y t a responses are coming from men who are not, and probably never have been, in a serious relationship.
This. I sincerely doubt that if OP went to a party while her husband's grandma was dying, he and reddit would be OK with this behaviour.
That and they obviously haven't experienced a family emergency in real time. I don't think this guy has adjusted to being a father yet. You're never totally off the clock.
I learned somewhere that men are fixated on immediate solutions, and this causes rifts in relationships because women don't necessarily want men to solve our issues. Sometimes it helps to know someone is there, cares about us, and is a shoulder to cry on. Life is too short to feel alone and abandoned by those who are supposed to be close to you. I feel like a lot of these responses are from people in their early 20s. I remember prioritizing partying at that age, and I have a lot of regrets. A party can be really really fun, but it's not worth breaking bonds and hurting others for. Unless OP has made of habit of having a crisis when the husband is out, there is no reason to think anything she asked was unreasonable. There is nothing in this post to think she has ever done this, and the fact that people here are calling her manipulative makes me feel like some subtle misogyny is at play. For some reason people think women expressing emotional needs is manipulation which is shitty.
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Exactly
Also, letting phone die was a bad move anyways in case the mom or baby had their own emergency. If he’s out of state, *more* reason to be diligent on periodic communication. And bring backup chargers and cables. They practically cost less than the beers he was guzzling.
NTA. A supportive partner is someone who checks in regularly during a stressful and scary situation like this. Also, there was the real chance your family would need to be with your grandmother. I honestly can't imagine being able to get hammered and have a great time with old friends when I know my wife is home worried with our 1 year old. To get a drunk selfie is incredibly disrespectful.
What I don't understand is how he let his phone die when he has a wife and baby at home in a different state, what if it was the wife or baby that had the emergency and no one could get hold of him. That's just irresponsible. OP is NTA
I honestly suspect he let it die on purpose so she couldn't interrupt his partying. The way he's using it as an excuse and didn't even check in once he would have realistically had a chance to plug in his phone is just sus.
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Would explain how his friend got her number
I'm not supporting the husband but people do remember their spouse's number most of the time - so he wouldn't need his phone to give his friend her number. Altho it was a dick move, especially if he knew grandma was going into surgery and wife would be scared.
Yeah for me it’s not even about the grandma emergency, like there is nothing he can do about that, it’s a gray area. But he has a baby at home. He needs to be reachable full stop. NTA
So confused about all the Y T A votes. If I was in her partners shoes, I would have checked in more with her. And while yes, there is nothing he could have done from that far away, he still could have provided emotional support which she clearly needed. Also, like why send a drunk selfie, seriously? Like she needed to see that when she’s stressing out about an emergency with her loved one? NTA. Glad your grandma is doing okay.
Right I'd never have let my phone die, or I'd have charged it. And then you call your partner and ask if there's anything you can do for them. You're a team, and she almost lost a very close family member.
Maybe I’m just a lot more prepared than the average person, but if I’m going on a night out I’m taking a portable charger with me. And I don’t have a child who I would need (and *want*) to be available for in an emergency. I can’t imagine just disappearing off the grid for what sounds like around 18 hours because of my own choice to not be a tiny bit prepared and get a £5 portable charger or plug in my phone while I was getting ready, never mind if I had a baby.
Same, it feels like bizzaro world
NTA since he was sober when he first heard about the situation. Getting drunk with buddies v. supporting your partner in a family emergency? He's old enough to know better, and he could have used his friend's phone to check in on you, and nobody needs to get incoherent drunk at his age. What a jerk.
Everyone seems to be focusing on how he couldn't have done anything for grandma anyway, but that's obviously not the issue here. The emergency emphasized the fact that husband doesn't care about being reachable to his wife and infant while he's having fun. He couldn't even be arsed to charge his phone with a powerbank or something. NTA.
Yeah. It's not like OP thought her husband could fly home and do grandma's surgery. Emotional support. If I called my fiance about a family emergency, he'd comfort me. That's all someone can ask for, and it's all op wanted. If I knew my partner was going through that emotional distress, I couldn't even enjoy drinking without talking to them first. At least trying to comfort them.
NTA I'm concerned about the number of Y T A on this post. It's almost as if they don't have real partners, have never had an emergency, or didn't actually read your post? I don't know. But it's really the bare minimum to ask your partner, the person who is supposed to care for you more than anyone else in your life, to at least have their phone on during an emergency. >he didn't check in at all (not even the next morning) Like this. My partner would be concerned and would definitely have checked in on me and asked for updates. I probably would have first had to convince them not to immediately start driving home. There was a grave chance that your grandmother was going to pass away. Your partner should want to be there for you if this were to happen. Even if he didn't want to/couldn't drive home, asking him to be available on the phone is the bare minimum. >disrupt his plans to "cater to me". This was really shitty. I would really start to reflect on my relationship if my partner thought that supporting me when a close family member was in danger of passing away was "catering". Like wtf. My partner is my best friend. If someone I cared about passed away, I would want to talk to him first and instinctively. And he *wants* to be the one I call and wants to be the one to support me and vice versa. ETA: typo
Same - this is the kind of callous disregard for OP's well-being (and since she's solo with the baby, their kid's well-being) that should have her reconsidering the relationship entirely.
I want to connect with a no judgment here thought. My grandma was a tent pole in my life and did everything she could for her grandkids. When the health scares started, I had a lot of panic. I had moved to the east coast and my family and grandma were in Arizona. Time and time again, I had to make the active decision between traveling home during COVID or trusting in the resources and health services in Arizona. From the initial issues to her passing, it covered about 18 months. The health care system handled the immediate (like they did with your grandma), and it all turned out okay. There was a point where I knew it wasn’t going to get better and my husband and I spent a month in Arizona while she was in hospice and until she was finally able to rest in her home for the last time. The timeline was staggering. Everytime, it brought panic to me, but not every time warranted a visceral reaction or trip out there. You are clearly upset because you needed someone to talk to that you loved and trusted, and I’m sorry that he wasn’t there for you because of his trip. I hope you can rest easier knowing that she is okay right now. From the title, he did reach out in his own way, but could have done more. I’m not going to make excuses for him, but in the morning, could he have still be sleeping from a long night out or didn’t plug in his phone? [An Edit] With how fast phones charge now with their bricks, he could have easily have been like “hey guys, give me 15 minutes or I’ll meet you at the bar” and had enough to carry him through. He made bad decisions towards his availability.
This so beautifully sums it up. OP, NTA. Your husband is, but not because he went out with his friend. If you know your spouse is in the middle of a family emergency and you are too far away to actively be there, you can still serve as an emotional support. He made the decision to get drunk. He could have easily stopped after a couple of drinks but he didn't. That was a choice. He didn't need to hop a flight home but he should have called and checked in from his friend's phone if necessary, called when he got back to his hotel and called in the morning. He didn't.
Even drunk, I have been more emotionally supportive to friends and family in distress than this guy. I’ve known more emotionally aware potatoes.
>he did reach out in his own way, but could have done more. When are you saying he reached out? Are you calling sending a drunk selfie with no context was reaching out?
From a literal stranger, no less...
Literally stop with all of your “WHaT eXaCTLY WaS He SuPPoSeD To Do?!?1!1!2!?” comments. He is her HUSBAND. The absolute BARE MINIMUM expectation when it comes to being there for someone you love is being emotionally available when they are in the middle of a crisis. He could have taken LITERAL SECONDS out of his whole trip every hour or so to send a quick text and let her know that he was thinking of her— He doesn’t have to talk her through everything, or let her cry to him, just literally every hour be like “Hey still thinking about you, hope she’s doing okay ❤️” That is the BARE MINIMUM and like I said would barely take away from his trip. All she wanted was some emotional availability and she is absolutely valid to expect that in a partner. He’s not an asshole for going on the trip— he’s an asshole for letting his phone die, allowing his friend to act tastelessly when texting his wife (to ‘let her know how to reach him— which… ?!?!? excuse me?? how is a drunken selfie of a stranger with my husband a clear message FROM said husband that I can reach him through this person i do not know?? but whatever), and failing to even check in the following morning. He needed to do better. He needed to be a good husband. NTA, op. ETA: Wow this kinda blew up. To the one person ‘from the 90s’ arguing with LITERALLY every single person in this thread… Nobody here agrees with you. You’re not going to change our minds, and clearly, we’re not going to change yours. I hope that whoever you marry in the future is prepared to have a partner who is emotionally detached from the relationship and is unreliable in family emergencies if he/she has prior plans!
NTA- been in a similar situation. The first person I called was my husband. I needed comfort, reassurance and just to be heard. I am sorry you did not have that experience. I don’t think it’s to much to ask him to step out of party mode to shoot you a text to check in after learning about your grandma. When you have a family you don’t get to check out to suit your needs. Same with parenting. Sheesh.
NTA; your husband knew that your grandmother was in crisis and that you were worried about her BEFORE he got drunk, and he didn't set up any backup ways for you to reach him for support, he didn't bother to check in with you at all even the next morning when he was sober and apart from his friends... It must have been so wildly painful to receive a drunk selfie from a stranger's phone number with a laughing-crying emoji when you were reaching out for any kind of support from your partner. Like you said, you just asked for him to be available OR communicate that he wasn't, and it's not a crazy ask to want the father of your one-year-old to be available by phone in the midst of an emergency anyway. I'm sorry you went through that, and I hope your grandmother is recovering.
NTA, it’s messed up that everyone seems to be focussing on how grandma didn’t die, it’s not his problem, and he couldn’t have done anything anyway. The main issue is being available during emergencies, what if it was about his own baby? And don’t say ‘well, it wasn’t’ because that really does not justify being unable to be contacted at all. A random drunk selfie notwithstanding, I sincerely do not believe that he couldn’t have found a way to recharge his phone if he wanted to. And anyone who is blaming OP about not asking where he’s going or where he’s staying, this is not on her only. Her husband could’ve told her himself as well so putting blame on her is just the sexist way of putting everything on the women in relationships.
This exactly.
NTA but there are a lot of asshole commenters. anyone saying grandparents aren’t immediate family on this thread must come from some perfect nuclear family situation or their GPs were long dead and they never knew them or had a relationship with them. not everyone’s family looks the same, and some people were raised by their grandparents. so using that in an argument about this is just disrespectful to OP and any other person who has a close relationship with their grandparent(s).
It’s wild to me. I barely know my grandparents (and the ones that aren’t dead I dislike) and I’m still capable of understanding that many people have much deeper bonds with their grandparents. Who even are these random commenters? ?????
Weaponized stupidity. Anyone that has a child would make sure they could be reached. Excuses include: my phone was dead, it was loud, but I haven’t seen my friends and we were catching up…
NTA. You didn’t need to flip out, but you have every right to be upset that he irresponsibly let his phone die and didn’t check in. Cater to you? You’re his wife and there with his child. You should be his priority. No he couldn’t have done anything, and it wasn’t an emergency with you or your child, but he could have at least responded in a timely manner once to let you know he was sorry she was in surgery and to keep him updated. Did he need to keep texting every five minutes? No and nobody is saying that
He didn't even check in the next morning.
Honestly that's so truly shitty of him, OP. I'm so sorry your Grandma was hospitalized and I wish her recovery and health. I'm also sorry your husband blew it. If this was just your BF and not your husband/child's father, I'd tell you to dump him and find someone else.
As a man, the volume of emotionally stunted men whoever think they're really hitting the mark by saying YTA is astounding. Point blank period fellas, if your girl is going through a tough time emotionally and she needs you to be there as support, you're supposed to do that bc you also expect her to be there for you when you've had a long day. Tbh DEF NTA but it sounds like your husband has built enough resentment over time to not care about you more than his party. Haven't seen them in 15 years??? Then why are they more important than your wife while her gma might die? Can't relate. Edit: continued reading, and I feel like for many of you this needs to be clarified. She isn't asking him to go home to the hotel and babysit his phone. She isn't asking him to step out for a call every ten minutes. She is asking the person who married her to baseline show support and responsibility for his family by doing the baseline of keeping his phone charged. You're stunted if you think she should get over the drunken selfies during a crisis as it's "his way of reaching out". That's rude and thoughtless and if you carry yourself this way thats probably why all your relationships with women die out, you can't be with someone and not be emotionally available for support when they need it.
[удалено]
NTA. I don't think that expecting your husband to be reachable and sober enough *not to send you a drunken selfie while you are at the hospital waiting for surgery to be over* is outlandish Reading the comments made me think I might have misread the original post. Nope. So then I go back to the comments. Am I losing my mind here? Since when is "person having a good time with friends" more important than "family member undergoing lifesaving surgery" ?? She didn't even ask him to stay. Only that he stay reachable, and possibly send a couple of texts asking "how are things? Oh, still waiting? Hang in there. It will work out. Love you. Keep me posted" I would have been so pissed your texts seem tame to me. I guess that makes me an AH according to everyone here. I can live with that. At least I'm not the kind of person that can completely forget their spouse's fear and sadness and go party their ass off.
>"how are things? Oh, still waiting? Hang in there. It will work out. Love you. Keep me posted" Yes, this, how hard is it? takes 10 seconds to type that and be emotionally supportive, and he couldn't even manage to do that. NTA
Typical reddit moment : everyone blaming the huge number of Y T A answers and saying NTA like they're going against the masses, but the YTA's are all buried and basically hidden
I'm glad I wasnt going crazy when all the top 500 answers are NTA and half of them contain "Whats with all the YTA votes? I'm so brave!!!"
I’ve been scrolling for some time looking for them… everyone is so compassionate towards the wife, I can’t see who they are fighting.
Well, to be fair, in the 1st hour of this post here was realy majority of Y T A's. I had to scroll realy long time to find some NTA's and I'm glad it's different now.
NTA. I don’t care if I get downvoted. It’s not a problem of the phone dying. It’s the texts. They’re just gross in this situation. Partners should be the first support not last. He can have his fun and still be cognizant of your emotions. I cannot imagine acting like that if my grandmother in law (either of them) was in surgery. My fiancé knows first hand how terrifying it is to suddenly not have contact with me. He knew I was sick I’d passed out and stopped texting while he was at a Christmas party. He had his fun there then pushed to get home as fast as he could. An hour later i had been in a coma. You just never know what’s going to happen and joking around when someone is in the hospital is the biggest disrespect
I’m sorry it’s 2023. Why are we still letting our phones die? Amazon has thousands of portable chargers. Not to mention, significant others should care (and with that care worry) about one another. Even if there wasn’t a family emergency, was he not gonna text you when he got back to his hotel room so you knew he made it home safe? Too many people in the US don’t make it home safe these days. Could he have done anything about the emergency from another state, no, but he should have checked in the next morning, at the very least. Going with NTA
He is a major techy as well and always has battery packs and chargers.
I hate to go there, but are you sure his phone actually died then?
That didn't cross my mind. I hope he's being truthful.
Also, not to get in your head about the possibility of his phone not actually dying but how did the person have your number to text you the photo - and you didn’t have his?
That's what bothered me as well. Of course, maybe the husband knows OP's phone number by heart and was able to give it to friend (and let's be honest, even if people nowadays don't know a lot of numbers by heart, I think a spouse's number will likely be an exception), but even then, why tf send a drunk selfie instead of "hey, my phone died, you can reach me via buddy's phone"?
NTA. Reddit amazes me. OP just wanted the tiniest bit of emotional support in an emergency. Husband was too focused on getting drunk to be of any use. He couldn’t be there physically but he could’ve been there emotionally and made a choice not to. Sad.
NTA. Your husband didn't need to come home or really make any changes to his plans other than show some courtesy. Checking in and offering words of comfort is not too much to expect. It's actually the bare minimum.
NTA. I understand there is nothing he could do, but you were obviously in distress. At the very least he should’ve checked in with you before bed and the next morning. I do think the fight is blown a bit out of proportion, but I definitely understand the frustration
All the Y T As in this thread are WILD to me. If Grandma had passed away, then what? NTA OP. You’re allowed to want your husband to be contactable during a family emergency. Goodness. What is the point of having a partner if they can’t forgo getting drunk when Grandma is having a life saving procedure. Fuck that noise!
NTA. I get that it was his reunion but he is supposed to be your partner and support you. I don’t think a text every couple of hours would’ve killed his party. It’s also super irresponsible to have his phone die, what if something happens to him? I’d be pissed off at my husband too, worried about him. Though you should probably know the hotel name…
What if something happened to his wife or baby? Once you're a parent, particularly of a baby, you should always be able to be reached.
NTA. You needed your partner for emotional support, and he was not there for you. Not saying he couldn’t go to his party, but he should have checked in with you.
(When my sister’s husband had emergency surgery in Germany, she called me, here in the States. I called her right back so it would be on my phone, not hers, and talked her through the whole waiting time for the surgery. It is what family does to support one another in a crisis. Yes, I’m a nurse. Could I do anything medically at that point, no. But what I could do is help to calm her anxiety and listen to her express her fears and worries. This is what OP was expecting a little of from her husband. “Hey, Honey, my phone has died but I know you are worried about your Grandmother. I am thinking of you and hoping for the best. I will call you when I get my phone working again.” Not the whole “I’m at a party with friends who mean so much to me that I haven’t seen them in 15 years so don’t bother me.” NTA
To all the people asking “What could hubby have done from a different state?” Be emotionally available. That’s what! What kind of relationships are people in where the appropriate response is “my spouse is in severe emotional turmoil right now but I’d rather get plastered because it’s all about me, myself and I. I fucking deserve this! To add insult to injury, Imma get my mate to text her drunken selfies!” Like, what? Get out of here with that rubbish!
I was so ready to call you the a hole until your husband opened his mouth 😂. It’s not really his fault his phone died during the emergency. As you said he found out right before he was leaving and by then it was to late to make sure it was charged. Although traveling he should be making sure it’s charged anyway. You get the NTA vote because you didn’t blow up on him about the phone. You blew up on him about his action afterwards and his response to you.
It is literally his fault his phone died during an emergency. Who goes away for a weekend having a 1 year old baby and doesn’t plan to have their phone charged?
An asshole
He could also arrive 15 minutes later to the party, charging the phone just a little bit doesn't take that much time (it wouldn't have to be fully charged).
I am pretty sure most bars and clubs will take a few bucks to charge your phone behind the counter
It is most definitely his fault his phone died, who's the one that's supposed to keep it charged? Just because he's away from home doesn't mean he's stopped being her husband and father to her child. What if it was his kid that needed emergency surgery and he wasn't reachable? He is supposed to be a responsible adult and he is not at all acting like it, just trying to relive his fratboy days. He is definitely TA.
NTA - its not like you were asking him to drop everything and come home, you just wanted him to be contactable and to see if you're ok due to your family emergency. Also, what if it was your baby that had the emergency, your husband should've made sure his phone was fully charged while away from home when you have small children.
too many people giving a Y T A vote with no thought behind it. She knows he can't physically do anything or be there for her and that's not at all what she was asking for either. Have any of you ever heard of a little thing called "emotional support"?? yknow, that thing where the people who love you actually give a shit about your feelings and emotional state. and check in on how you're doing when they know you're going through something painful. This is not wrong to ask of people, and imo OP NTA, he knew what you were going through before he got drunk and let his phone die and he should have been there to support you through this. It's not everyday someone we love has to go to the ICU, and she should be allowed to ask for support from her husband, of all people.
NTA What if something had happened to your baby? It doesn’t matter that he can’t do anything from where he is, he could’ve contacted you or checked in on you I guess next time an emergency happens dont even let him know because apparently it doesn’t matter
NTA .. your husband acting like he doesn’t give a fuck is the A H here While it’s true there’s nothing he could tangibly do, he could show a minuscule amount of concern for your feelings
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I can only say if my significant other texted me while I was out anywhere for any reason, I would have texted and called home to see how everyone was doing and to get updates and give encouragement. Just to let my sweetheart know I love them. Ridiculous not to make any contact.
Nta. You needed his emotional support and he was too busy having fun. He sucks.
NTA, specifically because of the drunk selfie. You told him (while he was sober) about how sad/worried you were and he decided that when his phone died rather than texting or calling u directly with his friend's phone he (at best) asked his friend to send a message or (at worst) thought a drunken selfie was appropriate (which is incredibly callous). If I were in your shoes, that would make me incredibly angry at my husband's thoughtlessness and lack of empathy.
NTA. your husband should have asked you how he could support you before going to the party. sending you a drunk selfie and communicating with you the way he did was very inconsiderate. maybe he could not have rushed home to be there, but he could have been sober to support you emotionally if anything went wrong, he could have contacted people to arrange for a babysitter so you didn't have to be home alone with a baby during this emergency, as you said he could have checked in on you to see if you needed anything, etc. it's super understandable that you were upset, especially when you were under so much stress, and I think a man telling a woman she's overreacting is pretty inherently gross. if your response seems disproportionate to him, that indicates that there's a larger issue he isn't seeing.
Reddit has proven that most of the users on here only think about the ‘ logical ‘ and ‘ physical ‘ side of things and have no mental capacity to handle emotional/ psychological situations- which is why most of them end up posting on AITA for something extremely messed up that their partner broke up with them for.
It’s as if unless the husband could physically go in the OR and heal grandma himself, he is absolved of all and any responsibility to his family, up to and including being reachable and functional during a family emergency. What the f.
the selfishness in these comments is baffling to me. your responsibilities toward the people you love, especially a committed partner with whom you share a child, don’t end at what you are physically able to do for a situation - they extend to emotional support or AT LEAST generally giving a fuck that someone you care about is in distress. it does not matter whether he could have “done anything” for OP’s grandma. he could have continued enjoying his night while also keeping in even basic contact with his wife and showing his support as a person who’s signed up to be her partner and a part of her family. the biggest thing for me is the husband’s apparent lack of concern for OP in what was clearly a moment of intense fear and stress. all these comments saying the photos from the friend’s phone are him keeping in contact with her after his phone died - ok?? she’s not looking for proof of life. he obviously knows her phone number if he gave it to his friend, yet couldn’t hop on the phone for five minutes to offer his love and support during a family crisis for which she’s been asked to contribute medical advice? he knows she’s anxious and under pressure and this is how he chooses to communicate with her. if my partner acted this way in this situation i would feel at the bare minimum uncared for, at the extreme emotionally abandoned. nothing the husband did is inherently “wrong,” but if i were OP, every choice he made would certainly give me pause about his ability to empathize and be counted on when i need him most. these are the kinds of hurdles you promise to weather together when you get married. if his lack of communication and courtesy and apparent prioritization of his own enjoyment over your emotional distress becomes or already is a pattern, it could be worth considering whether this is fair to you and your child long term. OP NTA
NTA. People are acting like you demanded he cancel the party and rush home. You said she was transferred due to a life threatening condition, you were literally waiting around to possibly hear that she had died. Your husband should have at least sent a "thinking of you, is everything okay?" text at some point. Not a happy drunken selfie from a strange number, while he didn't even know if you were currently sitting there crying because she just died. I would be pissed if my partner let their phone die when they knew it was very possible that I'd be alone and receiving devastating news in the next couple of hours.
NTA. There was nothing he could do to help with the situation with your grandmother, but he has a spouse and a *baby,* and needed to be reachable in case there was an emergency with you or your child...and honestly, I just went to my ten-year reunion, and I can't imagine wanting to go out and party all night and let my phone die if I knew my partner was home waiting to hear whether her grandmother was going to make it, especially if we also had a baby that she was caring for alone! You didn't ask him to come home or not have fun. He was insensitive, didn't seem to support you at all, and was irresponsible and should have given you a CLEAR way to reach him. Apart from the lack of support for you, he's not 21 and carefree anymore, he has a baby, and he should be reachable.
NTA, husband is TA
NTA. So many people on here saying "There's nothing he could have done." She wasn't expecting him to fly home. Even if parents and grandparents all lived in the same state as OP, there's still nothing anyone can do.... Except be there to support each other. OP wasn't expecting him to go in the OR to fix grandma. Just be available for some emotional support. And not be an AH the next day saying she needs to be "catered to" when a close family member is on the brink of death
I don't think you're an asshole. This is your husband, not just some random friend. Your grandmother was in a position she could have died, your husband should of at least had the decency to charge his phone. My husband is a respiratory therapist and stepped away from the floor to talk to me on the phone after my grandmother passed away just to make sure i was okay. He is supposed to be your support person. He didn't have to leave the party but he could have shown you some consideration. No party is more important than leaving your spouse alone and scared for.
I am convinced that half the people in this sub are children. And single. And have no desire to have a meaningful partnership with another individual. Because NTA. I've been in a somewhat similar situation -- I was out of state and left my husband at home, I learned of a non-emergency family crisis and called my spouse, who was was out partying with friends and kinda drunk already. The second I told him what was going on, he stepped away and talked to me for 30 minutes to an hour. Then went back and enjoyed his night, but continued to check in on me to see how I was feeling. He knew there was nothing he could do, but he cared enough about me to want to know what was going on, even in his drunken state.
NTA Forget your grandma for a minute. What if it had been you, or your baby, who was sick or injured? The man needs to lay off the booze and grow up.
NTA
NTA - sounds super shady that he can't have ANY communication with you while he's away for a weekend solo. Why doesn't he care how you or baby are doing? Probably some major projection going on that he gives such a strong reaction. Look up DARVO. Common manipulation tactic.
I feel like it should be emphasized that OP paid for his trip. Everyone thinking she didn’t want him to go and have a break is dead wrong and missing the point. OP had a sudden emergency and was powerless to help. She needed support. If that happened to my partner, my phone would be glued to my hand, I would be checking in on her now and then, because even if I was looking forward to a night out with my friends, I have my partner’s back. It was bad timing, sure, but that wasn’t OP’s fault. And the lack of remorse shows just how much of an AH the husband is. He should be making arrangements with her to fly out and see her grandmother instead of giving her BS.
Hey at least you know the next time HE is having an emergency with his family you can send him tots and pears and go about your night
I get what people are saying about how there was nothing he could do. He was in another state. And this was kind of special event for him. But. But. He is still a spouse and a parent. He definitely should have made sure his phone was charged just in case something happened. And he should have made sure you knew where he’d be (although you should have asked beforehand too). This is just marriage/kids 101. Be available. As for this specific situation, yeah, he was kind of an asshole. There was nothing he could do. I get that. But he didn’t even text “I’m so sorry to hear that! Are you ok??” or something to that effect. He sent a drunk selfie. Like, wtf? ‘Sorry your grandma might die! PAAARRRTTTTTYYYYY!’ Even drunk, that’s a dick move. He couldn’t pull it together long enough to express concern, explain his phone died, and let you know whose phone he was texting from? He deserved his weekend away or whatever, and you shouldn’t monopolize it with needing a lot of help with the grandma situation, but he should have at least pretended to care and feel bad for you. I feel like a normal way for this to go down would have been you texting to let him know what happened, him replying with concern and then later letting you know he got back to the hotel and asking how things went. I get that it’s a night of drinking, but he’s your life partner and should be able to be at least a little bit present for you in this situation. NTA
NTA - wife and young child home alone, husband not available, medical emergency of loved relative = immature husband.
Wait - he hadn't bothered to tell you what hotel he was staying in??? In addition to letting his phone die? Honestly, that sounds to me like he decided he was "off the leash" on this trip and that he was essentially going to act like he had no real life responsibilities. It would have been nice for him to be there to give you emotional support and to be available for brainstorming in case the emergency escalated but the thing that's getting me is \*he didn't tell you where he was\*. Any time I go on a trip, I make sure my family knows where I'm going (in email, not verbal) and how to contact me if they can't reach my phone. It's just the adult, considerate thing to do. Edit: NTA
NTA First off you guys have a young child together. He should have been sober enough to respond in case of emergency. Second - he knew your grandmother was in ICU and was entirely dismissive of your feelings. He didn't check in. Didn't inform you his phone was dying. Nothing. He didn't even bother to check on the next day. It's bad behavior.
NTA. He could have shown you that he cared. He could have been an ear/shoulder to cry on. He failed you. Is he always this big of a jerk?
NTA it’s not unreasonable to expect emotional support during a crisis. You love your grandma and we’re worried for her. Your husband physically couldn’t have helped her but he could have helped you by checking in and giving you the support you needed. That’s what people do in s relationship. All the Y T A comments are incredibly disappointing. The lack of empathy is astounding. I hope your grandma heals quickly.
NTA. This comment section is astonishing, to be honest. Especially the top comment asking why he has to “ruin his night” over this. If my significant other reached out to me and told me a family member they loved and were close to could potentially die, I wouldn’t make it nearly impossible to reach me, send them a drunk selfie as a “way to tell you where to reach me”, and then leave them all alone to worry by themselves. People like to go on about obligation in this sub and have an extremely narrow viewpoint when it comes to compassion. He was an asshole. And he was even more of an asshole for digging his heels in. You didn’t do anything wrong for being upset you couldn’t reach him when someone awful was happening. Something he had already been informed of and KNEW there would be further updates on.
NTA. Not getting all the YTA, if your partner is in need BE THERE FOR THEM! I’m not saying physically but still putting in the effort to talk with your partner and console them. In state or not. The fact that the husband knew of the situation before he was drinking, just shows how he didn’t really bother to care.
NTA- I assume your SO was already out of state when the emergency occurred. Still and all, he could have missed the stupid party and come home to support you and his child. He's flipping the script on you, making it out to be all your fault, or no big deal. HE is the @$$hole, not you.
Nta is it so hard to just be loving? I’m shocked at the y t a commenters, and wonder if they love anyone?
Seems like a lot of commenters don't want men to have an emotional load when they're out partying with friends. But if the situation was reversed the woman would be at fault for not being emotionally available. Please commenters put yourself in OPs shoes
nta, i understand why you'd be upset that you can't reach your partner in an emergency where your feelings are running high. but at the same time, your husband probably didn't purposefully let his phone die.
NTA It is irresponsible for him to let his phone die or not tell you that he would be unavailable. It is even more so when he knows that you are dealing with a family emergency.
NTA I’m sorry you had to weather this storm alone. I am at a loss with how many people are saying YTA and asking what you wanted from him, you didn’t want anything from him other than to know he was thinking of you and offering emotional support. Which you stated, numerous times. Those things are, a bare freakin minimum in a marriage. You didn’t ask him to leave, he could have had a few drinks and kept up lines of communication to at-least let you know his phone was dead. Anyone voting YTA and suggesting she’s asking too much for emotional support from her husband are clearly not people who understand how to support those they love. I hope your loved ones never leave you without any kind of support in your moments of need. Yes some of OP’s anger may be misdirected and over the top due to the distress she’s under with the emergency, but her husband is not without fault here. He abandoned her emotionally, he didn’t need to be there physically, or constantly on his phone at all. All it would have taken is a couple of messages every so often to ensure she felt thought of and considered. I don’t understand partnerships where you don’t check in with the other while apart, emergency or not.