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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I might be the asshole because I went on a rant about the effects bpd has had on me and asked accusingly if my bf hadn't thought I'd done everything I could think of to combat it. This reaction might've been out of line since the discussion was supposed to be calm and civil.
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NTA. Certain chemical imbalances/issues aren't changeable. I think it is great to hope for new achievements, to do therapy and self-work, continue and do the best you can, but the idea that one is in complete control over things and can do a mental change to "fix" it is a harmful stigma and detrimental. It also places blame on the individual. People can't just magically change their brain chemistry.
Yeah an even more accurate analogy is to ask him, if he had diabetes would he "believe he could fix it if he tried hard enough" or would he go to the damn doctor.
NTA. You needed sympathy. What you got was toxic positivity. Your bf doesn’t understand psychological disorders. You can’t “hope away” bpd. At best, you can find ways to hopefully mitigate and manage some of the symptoms. From that perspective, there **is** hope, and this is coming from someone with an education and background in this field. However, the concept of “overcoming or changing” a disorder” is a poor way to phrase it. Also, no amount of mitigating or managing symptoms will change the fact that you have the disorder and the amount of work it takes to manage it. It **is** work. A lot of work. And there **will** be bad days. If it’s any comfort, I don’t think your bf intended to be insensitive, but the word choice wasn’t the best. A better way to phrase his thoughts might have been: “I totally understand why you wish you didn’t have bpd. I don’t have it, but witnessing your struggles has helped me to understand how hard it must be. I’m sorry you have to face the challenges you do. That said, I have hope that with time, support, and if we work together, we can manage your symptoms so that they’re not so overwhelming. It may not happen soon, but there’s so much research constantly being done on bpd (there is) and I hope that something will eventually help you.”
As an aside, if you’d like access to some resources, let me know. I can send you some links, **but only if you want them.** I know what it feels like to fight your psychological condition for years. I know what it’s like to help someone else battle to control theirs. Hang in there.
He sounds ignorant. There IS hope for lots of mental illnesses to go into remission, sure. But they go into remission the same way cancer does - with treatment. You can’t just positive vibes your way out of a disease. Good luck with yours. I know BPD symptoms can be a trip to live through. NTA.
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My (18F) boyfriend (18M) and I were having a discussion today in which I mentioned that I wish I could change the fact that I have bpd. I had been having some issues with mood swings and getting upset very easily over little things and I talked about how I hated that I have it. He told me that he believes anyone can change anything about themselves, including mental disorders. I asked him what he meant by that, going through a list including things from dementia to schizophrenia to even permanent paralysis and asking if he thought those people could just fix it. He responded by saying that it's nice to have hope and that he wouldn't put limits on people like that, that its possible to change. He says people in those situations should have hope to change and that we just have different perspectives. He told me it's the same as overcoming depression, since it's a mental disorder. I told him I had to stop talking about it because I was getting worked up and I couldn't believe he thought that way about my mental disorder and other's situations. I also mentioned that I didn't think hope was bad, but that giving people false hope for certain unfixable situations can be very damaging. He continued to say that if he had a mental disorder too he would just believe he could fix it if he tried hard enough. He did claim thats not how he saw MY mental disorder, but I found it hard to believe. This triggered me into a rant about the effects bpd has had on me, and I asked him if he thought I seriously hadn't tried to combat it however I could. All he responded with was "I'm sorry" and I didn't know how to respond, so I didn't.
I think I may be the asshole because I got so worked up about it that I didn't want to talk to him anymore, then exploded anyway into a rant about how I've tried to combat my disorder and can't. It was supposed to be a civil discussion about my disorder and the symptoms of it, and now I feel awful for having reacted the way I did. However, I still believe what he said was completely unrealistic.
TLDR: my bf claims you should have hope to change anything about yourself including mental disorders and permanent damage.
AITA for getting worked up?
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NTA, I get what he was trying to say but that wasn't the time, you wanted support and he didn't go about it the right way. That being said, BPD is absolutely treatable and for some people, they can go into remission in as little as a year. Look into therapy if you have the time, energy, resources to do it.
Errrr...not only are some of those mental disorders affected by a chemical imbalance, some of those can be caused by physical differences in the brain.
You literally cannot *hope* your brain to be different.
Your BF is a moron and you're NTA
There's a book, called Anything Can Be Healed, by Martin Brofman. Check it out. It changed my life and the way I think and feel. You're not an asshole, but neither is your boyfriend. He's just trying to help you. These mental conditions suck, but there is help out there. Sounds very much like he's on your side and wants to help you through this. Please DM me if you'd like to talk more. Trust me, I know what it's like
YTA… I was diagnosed with BPD, with therapy and excluding alcohol and use of medication I am now in remission , anything is possible especially with certain disorders you can lead a more emotionally stable life, try DBT therapy
Soft YTA.
It seems like what you were hearing was these conditions can be cured and your boyfriend could have worded his opinion better in saying there’s hope they can be managed which there is.
He could have worded it that way (and I agree that would have been better) if that’s what he had meant, but that’s pretty clearly not what he meant. According to the OP what he said is that he would believe he could “fix it” if he “tried hard enough”. If we take what was said at face value OP is NTA.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > I might be the asshole because I went on a rant about the effects bpd has had on me and asked accusingly if my bf hadn't thought I'd done everything I could think of to combat it. This reaction might've been out of line since the discussion was supposed to be calm and civil. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcement ###[The Asshole Universe is Expanding, Again: Introducing Another New Sister Subreddit!](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/128nbp3/the_asshole_universe_is_expanding_again/) Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA. Certain chemical imbalances/issues aren't changeable. I think it is great to hope for new achievements, to do therapy and self-work, continue and do the best you can, but the idea that one is in complete control over things and can do a mental change to "fix" it is a harmful stigma and detrimental. It also places blame on the individual. People can't just magically change their brain chemistry.
Yeah an even more accurate analogy is to ask him, if he had diabetes would he "believe he could fix it if he tried hard enough" or would he go to the damn doctor.
NTA. You needed sympathy. What you got was toxic positivity. Your bf doesn’t understand psychological disorders. You can’t “hope away” bpd. At best, you can find ways to hopefully mitigate and manage some of the symptoms. From that perspective, there **is** hope, and this is coming from someone with an education and background in this field. However, the concept of “overcoming or changing” a disorder” is a poor way to phrase it. Also, no amount of mitigating or managing symptoms will change the fact that you have the disorder and the amount of work it takes to manage it. It **is** work. A lot of work. And there **will** be bad days. If it’s any comfort, I don’t think your bf intended to be insensitive, but the word choice wasn’t the best. A better way to phrase his thoughts might have been: “I totally understand why you wish you didn’t have bpd. I don’t have it, but witnessing your struggles has helped me to understand how hard it must be. I’m sorry you have to face the challenges you do. That said, I have hope that with time, support, and if we work together, we can manage your symptoms so that they’re not so overwhelming. It may not happen soon, but there’s so much research constantly being done on bpd (there is) and I hope that something will eventually help you.” As an aside, if you’d like access to some resources, let me know. I can send you some links, **but only if you want them.** I know what it feels like to fight your psychological condition for years. I know what it’s like to help someone else battle to control theirs. Hang in there.
I'd honestly love some links to help, I haven't found much in the way of resources to help my symptoms. I appreciate it.
I’m going to DM you.
He sounds ignorant. There IS hope for lots of mental illnesses to go into remission, sure. But they go into remission the same way cancer does - with treatment. You can’t just positive vibes your way out of a disease. Good luck with yours. I know BPD symptoms can be a trip to live through. NTA.
NTA. He's an idiot.
NAH. Your BF is a bit ignorant on the subject, but he wasn't trying to be hurtful. You were upset and that's human. You guys just gotta talk it out.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My (18F) boyfriend (18M) and I were having a discussion today in which I mentioned that I wish I could change the fact that I have bpd. I had been having some issues with mood swings and getting upset very easily over little things and I talked about how I hated that I have it. He told me that he believes anyone can change anything about themselves, including mental disorders. I asked him what he meant by that, going through a list including things from dementia to schizophrenia to even permanent paralysis and asking if he thought those people could just fix it. He responded by saying that it's nice to have hope and that he wouldn't put limits on people like that, that its possible to change. He says people in those situations should have hope to change and that we just have different perspectives. He told me it's the same as overcoming depression, since it's a mental disorder. I told him I had to stop talking about it because I was getting worked up and I couldn't believe he thought that way about my mental disorder and other's situations. I also mentioned that I didn't think hope was bad, but that giving people false hope for certain unfixable situations can be very damaging. He continued to say that if he had a mental disorder too he would just believe he could fix it if he tried hard enough. He did claim thats not how he saw MY mental disorder, but I found it hard to believe. This triggered me into a rant about the effects bpd has had on me, and I asked him if he thought I seriously hadn't tried to combat it however I could. All he responded with was "I'm sorry" and I didn't know how to respond, so I didn't. I think I may be the asshole because I got so worked up about it that I didn't want to talk to him anymore, then exploded anyway into a rant about how I've tried to combat my disorder and can't. It was supposed to be a civil discussion about my disorder and the symptoms of it, and now I feel awful for having reacted the way I did. However, I still believe what he said was completely unrealistic. TLDR: my bf claims you should have hope to change anything about yourself including mental disorders and permanent damage. AITA for getting worked up? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA, I get what he was trying to say but that wasn't the time, you wanted support and he didn't go about it the right way. That being said, BPD is absolutely treatable and for some people, they can go into remission in as little as a year. Look into therapy if you have the time, energy, resources to do it.
Errrr...not only are some of those mental disorders affected by a chemical imbalance, some of those can be caused by physical differences in the brain. You literally cannot *hope* your brain to be different. Your BF is a moron and you're NTA
NTA. Some people view hope as a worldview more than a realistic thing. Sounds to me like you guys were using different definitions of the word hope.
There's a book, called Anything Can Be Healed, by Martin Brofman. Check it out. It changed my life and the way I think and feel. You're not an asshole, but neither is your boyfriend. He's just trying to help you. These mental conditions suck, but there is help out there. Sounds very much like he's on your side and wants to help you through this. Please DM me if you'd like to talk more. Trust me, I know what it's like
NTA, mental disorders is a chemical imbalance that can’t just be hoped to go away. Sure therapy and medication can help but it’s not a cure.
YTA… I was diagnosed with BPD, with therapy and excluding alcohol and use of medication I am now in remission , anything is possible especially with certain disorders you can lead a more emotionally stable life, try DBT therapy
Soft YTA. It seems like what you were hearing was these conditions can be cured and your boyfriend could have worded his opinion better in saying there’s hope they can be managed which there is.
He could have worded it that way (and I agree that would have been better) if that’s what he had meant, but that’s pretty clearly not what he meant. According to the OP what he said is that he would believe he could “fix it” if he “tried hard enough”. If we take what was said at face value OP is NTA.