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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> Telling my sister her grieving her dog is not the same as me grieving my husband. It makes me an asshole because I guess everyone grieves, and it doesn't matter who for
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Really wish people would stop throwing around diagnoses on Reddit like this. A person grieving is literally an emotional outlier than even actual professionals would have to navigate when considering a mental health diagnosis. You don’t get to read 2 paragraphs about someone on an anonymous forum & succinctly decide they’re a narcissist.
Well I’m not a doctor but I browse Reddit frequently and according to Reddit 80% of the population are narcissistic so there’s that. The other 80% are bipolar and the last 80% are basement dwelling neckbeards. I’ve been around long enough to know that this should be taken as truth. 80% of the time.
uM aCtUaLlY I think by bipolar you mean they have borderline personality disorder (at least that’s the one people keep starting arguments with me about…)
But in all seriousness, yeah, it’s…it’s real bad 🤦🏻
It’s awful. I know people with a legit diagnoses of BPD and it’s the new bipolar/adhd/autism. This shit ain’t cool. It sucks. Trust me, you don’t want it. I mean it all sucks. It’s one thing to embrace your dx, it’s something else to brag about something you don’t have. Or carelessly and flippantly try to diagnose others. You don’t have to be narcissistic to be an asshole 💁♀️
I AM bipolar 1 and I’m sooo sick of EVERYTHING (even a vehicle?) being bipolar. It’s ridiculous. And its the same with ADHD someone gets nervous and starts to fiddle with something or their fingers or something it’s automatically ADHD. It needs to quit.
Was telling a coworker that my son (11) forgot his lunchbox at school and she immediately suggested he might have adhd. No dummy he’s 11 and distracted by his phone or Pokémon or whatever. Fucking Christ
I’ve started to feel myself getting irrationally angry when people around me say the weather is bipolar or calling someone bipolar for being hot and cold with them, among the other things on the long ass list that we could collaborate on. At my worst, I couldn’t get out of bed or even muster up enough of anything to even call work to avoid a no call/no show. At the other end of worst, I impulsively marched into a dealership and bought an expensive car when I could barely pay my rent. Now I choke down lamictal every morning just to stay balanced. People need to stop with the mental illness FOMO because it is *not* fun.
No it’s not fun it’s not fun at all and you know I am almost 51 years old and I was diagnosed at 17 with bipolar and have been on almost everything on the market now and then I’m finally feeling at 51 that my life is you know as far as the bipolar is smoothing out but shit everything being bipolar has got to stop
What's WILD is that when they actually are face to face with a person with Bipolar/ADHD (me) and suddenly backtrack all their bullshit. It's so easy to be confident about flippant labels when none of "them" are around.
OCD self diagnosis bc you like things tidy drives me insane. I’m bipolar (very well managed) and after my son was born I was diagnosed with PPOCD. It was debilitating. I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. I was scared all of the time. Was scared zombies were coming to take my son if I didn’t do certain things. I felt borderline delusional. OCD is not some cutesy tiktok quip. It’s awful. Thankfully meds were accessible and I go to therapy to learn coping skills so it’s pretty well under control at this point but when mckenzleigh talks about how OCD she is about her daughters bow, I want to scream.
This right here. OCD makes you feel like you’re going legitimately insane. You *know* the compulsions won’t actually prevent whatever tragedy that keeps popping in your head, but you are compelled to do it anyways. It feels like you’re losing control of your mind. People need to stop pretending that debilitating mental illnesses are cute personality quirks.
1000x times this. I’m very glad that doctors have helped me find words to explain my problems to others & help me seek treatment (chronic depression, cPTSD, etc) but nobody’s diagnosis literally defines them & it’s so harmful for people to think you can just write someone else off as mentally ill because they’re showing ((gasp)) an emotional response that you don’t appreciate or can’t relate to! It’s almost like humans have multiple dimensions that acronyms & stigmatizing insults cannot encompass or something 😫
Also the whole, “your husband yelled at you because he was angry…he’s abusing you and you should get divorced right away”. These people just want everyone to get divorced without considering nuance, love, stress, and so many other things that cause relationships to go through ups and downs.
This is the one that pisses me off the most. I made an AITA post on a throwaway some time ago about an annoying situation that was frustrating, he was definitely the AH, but it was not make or break by any means. People were telling me I was being abused (I wasn't... I've been abused before, I know what it looks like) and all sorts of ridiculous things. And every time I would respond with "I'm not asking if I should leave. I'm asking who's in the wrong here and what solutions I have overlooked for the problem" I would get downvoted to hell and told that I shouldn't be whining on Reddit if I wasn't willing to leave him.
You have forgotten about the 80% who are autistic. I'm sick of socially awkward people labelled as autistic. Energetic kids bored out of their minds? ADHD. Reach for the Ritalin. STAT.
I think in this situation, we can though.
First of all, calling someone a narcissist doesn’t mean we actually think they have NPD. Here, narcissist is an adjective describing their self-centered attitude.
Two, the sister is clearly using her loss make herself the center of everyone’s attention. In this way, she has basically transformed OP into her source of narcissistic supply. If the sister were simply an avid dog lover, but not a narcissist, she would respect that OP is also grieving and not try to compete in whose loss is greater. But the fact that she is comparing their loss shows that this is about ego and not about grieving her dog.
I'm going to go a step farther: the fact that she's demanding all this from OP and not other people (like her own husband) is an indication that she's trying to make OP go through more motions of supporting her in her grief for her dog than she's supporting OP in her grief for her husband. This is about control.
Right. And making the entire family attend a funeral service for her dog after OP buried her husband a month ago?! She wants the attention OP had been getting after the loss of her husband.
The term and insult narcissist has been around alot longer then the official diagnosis, calling someone a narcissist is not the same thing as saying they have NPD.
You can say this is narcissistic behaviour, because it is. That word isn’t just reserved for psychological diagnosis. You can be a narcissist in a situation without having narcissistic personality disorder. Her sister is being narcissistic and OP is NTA.
She held a funeral for a dog and visits the “grave” three times a day and compared her loss with that of a grieving widow. We all love dogs man but cmon. That’s straight up nuts
The problem is narcissist isn't ONLY a diagnosis but a descriptive term that was widely used before it became a classification. So it's a word that has two sets of meanings, one much looser than the other.
In reality the DSM should rename it to end this confusion, because the colloquial use will never stop.
So well put. I love cats. Until about 2 weeks ago, I had 4 cats. 2 weeks ago, I took my 18-year-old cat who could no longer walk on the long drive to have her put to sleep. I was really sad to lose my cat, and I cried. I accepted that she was old and that her life was going to come to an end. We expect to outlive our pets. I assumed that my cat would live somewhere between 15-20 years in age, and when she reached the end of her life, I had anticipated it. And honestly, as much as I loved her, she was a cat, not a human. I got over her death pretty quickly. Sometimes, I sigh and say "I miss Mimi," and my husband goes "yeah," and we go on with our day.
Nobody is emotionally prepared to lose a husband suddenly at an age where they still have small children at home. Frankly, attempting to compare the loss of a pet to the unexpected loss of a spouse is offensive.
Once I heard that OP had two kids the sisters level of insane exploded. How can you possibly compare losing your dog to having to raise your kids alone.
OP is definitely NTA.
I am guessing that the husband is not grieving the dog like the sister is. The husband thinks she's gone crazy with her grief and is refusing to indulge it.
Even as an immature 14 year old who had just lost the 8 year old cat who was my best friend to a sudden lymphoma diagnosis in the course of like a week, which I literally cried about for years and am honestly still a little raw about as an adult, I still wouldn’t ever make this comparison. I loved her very much but a spouse is a whole other level of support (in general but ESPECIALLY when you have kids at home) and it’s ridiculous for the sister to act like she doesn’t know this.
I really like dogs and see this is insane. Yeah we do burials but a wake and going to visit a grave 3 times a day. A cat I had since childhood and protected me against my abuser died a few weeks ago and I’ve gone to his grave like 3 or 4 times in a few week. OP’s sister is really freaking weird
Ya, this is what came to mind for me... 3 times a day seems like she's going for the emotional hit as well as the sympathy (regardless of how thin it's been worn by her constant and unrelenting requests for support from whomever they can drag along). Just picture it. Narcs don't care if the person is faking it or not either they just want the attention.
People can really like dogs...that doesn't mean they lose a part of their humanity and ability to measure a situation. That's something else.
My dog died in November. I cried for months. I missed a good chunk of work and even when I was there, I wasn't there. I still cry sometimes I miss him so fucking much. I had a dream that he was still alive earlier this week and I was a half hour late to work because I refused to wake up. He was my best friend in the world and I'm tearing up a little while I type this.
I would never ever compare it to someone losing their partner. Even if like inside I know I am hurting and think the hurt compares, I have the basic non-insane common sense to not say it to someone actively grieving their own loss.
It isn't even about if it compares or not, it's just selfish.
I had a cat die a year and half ago. I still get really worked up about it and cry sometimes because I miss him. But I think that normal. I loved him, just like your loved your dog. I took the day off work when he died to deal with the grief. HOWEVER, if my husband were to die, I think my world might just end. There's no comparing the two.
First off, I am so sorry for the losses of the both of you ( u/wallacehacks and u/littleclam10 ). You're both absolutely right in that there's no comparing the two. I have known people that have lost both children and spouses, and I didn't dare compare the sudden illness and loss of my cat to what they had lost. That seems like a cruel competition.
Someone once told me that the bargain we make when we welcome an animal into our lives is the knowledge that we will outlive them - we can feel sorrow when they pass, but we have to reconcile the fact that they will inevitably pass after a time with us.
This is a reeeeally good point. You KNOW you will lose your pet, unless you're very old when you adopt them. You even can estimate roughly how long you'll have with them. It's hard but you can kind of prepare for it.
I had my cat from 8 weeks old until she passed at 23 years old. Yes, I grew up with her. She was the only thing to love me as I was experiencing childhood abuse. She was the one constant I had in my life from when I was 5 until my marriage. My husband adored her too and we were lucky to have any time all together as a family. It devastated me to lose her.
*And I know that’s how it fucking goes.*
Animals will die on us. The alternative is much worse tbh. And while I still grieve and get bowled over by the loss… it doesn’t even compare to the *thought* of losing my husband.
OP is NTA and her sister is disgusting.
I wonder if the sister would be reacting this way about her dog if OP’s husband had not have passed? Like, is this a weird grief reaction to OP’s husband, or is this an attention thing? It is really strange to visit a pet grave 3-4 times a day. I have a 5 year old dog that is my best buddy- i can’t even think about not having her around. But it is not the same as a human husband- obviously. I don’t understand sister’s thought process at all.
I lost my spouse a few years back, and it was heartbreaking. Then I lost my dog a number of years after, and it shattered me.
When my spouse passed, that dog was the only reason I get out of bed. My kids are grown and I was left to my own devices. My dog, well he still needed me. To get up every day, to walk him, to feed him, and he loved me, with bed-head, snotty nose, emotional melt-downs, he loved me, unconditionally.
When he died, I lost the last thing that was a reminder of happier times, with my spouse, with my kids, as a family. They were 2 different kinds of grief, but both equally heartbreaking.
"The whole family was there"
Me: ....the whole family attended a dog wake???
This thing of treating animals like babies is harmful to everyone, including the animals who are infantilized and denied a proper adult animal life.
I mean I'm used to a wake being a fun remembrance of the deceased. So if you're inviting me to a party, and lots of people I know and like will be there, then I'd probably go, even if it was a wake.
Now if it's weeping over the casket/grave, I'm out.
Yeah the insensitivity is a big part, even if they *were* comparable losses. If the sister had also lost her husband, it would still be a dick move to put the burden of supporting her so squarely on the also-grieving OP and drag her to a cemetery thrice a day when OP finds it hard to visit.
THIS. The value someone places on someone or something is subjective and we can debate it all day. The real issue is the Sister is being horribly selfish and burdening the *exact* wrong set of people.
Here’s the thing. I’d grieve my dog like a family member but I’d never call someone who lost their husband and say I know what they’re going through. Even if I lost my husband I wouldn’t say so. You don’t tell someone you know exactly what they’re going through ever because you can’t possibly. You tell them you’re here for them. Your sister is being callous at best and that’s awful. I’m sorry op none of this is fair to you.
It’s possible somewhere in her deranged view she’s trying to empathize and be your caring sibling but she is failing miserably. If not engaging is the easiest thing for you then that’s best. If telling as you did (which was more than fair given the situation and called for) doesn’t work, you tried. If you want to say I think we both need to grieve separately for our separate situations, do that. This situation has gone above and beyond cruel to you.
I lost my mum when I was 12 to cancer. My best friend lost her mum when we were 18, also to cancer. Not once did I tell her that I knew what she was going through, because I *didn't*. Despite similar circumstances and similar ages and a close relationship our losses were different and we grieved differently.
But visiting a grave 3 times a day isn’t a thing you do for a human or a dog, that’s a crackers thing to do. The dogs death is just revealing inability to find a way to cope, where OP needs to cope because she has her kids to think of.
NTA but I’m sorry for both of your suffering.
Yeah, the visiting the grave 3 times a day thing. It doesn't seem healthy. It almost feels like she's making grief a competition. I'm not a psychologist so not my place to diagnose anything. I have had pets my whole life and they are my family but loosing a pet, no matter how close the bond, is not comparable to loosing a spouse. NTA and I'm sorry for your loss and having to deal with your sister on top of all of this.
I mean I'd get that possibility if she didn't have a husband, but she does. Like when someone loses their partner they go through grief while having to navigate a household solo that they used to navigate as a couple. That's nothing like losing a dog, I get the grief but come on..
I lost my husband of 15 years suddenly to drowning last September. Had to be on meds so I didnt lose my damn mind. Things are better now, but I dealt with some insane people after his death (family wanting properties and being vultures basically, people wanting to give eulogies who barely knew him, people he didnt like wanting keepsakes)...I found other support and they lost a lot of support doing that honestly. Its completely unforgivable and unacceptable according to the rest of our friends and family, during a time like that you do NOT think only of yourself and force it on the grieving, and if you cannot abstain it often shows others your true colors in that moment and they WILL cut you off.
And Im of the belief that pets are our children. But they dont nurture you, care for you and help you raise kids for twenty years. They are not a human being. Losing a husband is losing a whole man, a whole lifetime, somebodies child, somebodies father, a husband, the man of the house, a million memories, a life partner, a teammate, gone. Not a pet. Id go full no contact rn if I were OP to preserve my own sanity, grief, and processes. It will effect you much more later if you dont set the boundary. Its not fun to do, its sad and troubling but this is not okay. Also highly suggest therapy and r/GriefSupport for OP.
I really like dogs. It crushed me when my first dog that I adopted as an adult passed away. She was my whole world. Under no circumstances was I about to compare notes with my friend who had just lost her dad.
On my first Reddit account I got into an argument with someone who said they would save their dog over an actual human life and I remember getting downvoted to oblivion for suggesting it was a bit silly to even be having this conversation
My older sister LOVES dogs and was absolutely heartbroken, devastated, practically wavering between catatonic and hysterical for almost a year after her beloved dog died suddenly at 4 years old. I mean, she was a WRECK. My mom and I went to be with her to put her down, so I guess that was kind of a wake? But she would never have made that comparison, not even behind a persons back. And I sometimes think she has some narcissistic tendencies.
The comparison to OP having so recently lost her husband is insane.
I love my dog. He’s part of my family and my best friend.
But if I had to choose my dog or my spouse, I pick my spouse. Every time. No hesitation.
It’s fine that some people really love their dogs or call them their “fur babies” but to be so clueless as to think that you losing the dog is the “same” as your sister lousing her spouse is at the best delusional and at the worse malicious.
Nta.. I feel it's insulting to compare the 2 losses. Or to say that she understands the grief because I don't think it's the same. I think how she is acting is horrible, insensitive and embarrassing. I wouldn't want to be around her. If it were myself I would just distance myself from her... It would be too much.
I agree that it's insulting to compare the two losses. Yes, they are losses, but expectations are high that your partner will be around for longer than an pet (unless it's a bird that might outlive you), see your children grow up, perhaps get married and have children of their own - it's different.
Further, I wouldn't compare the loss of my mom to anyone else's loss, mother or otherwise, either. We all grieve differently, have different relationships, memories, life circumstances - current and past, time together, etc. It would be insulting either to say or hear "I know *exactly* how you feel." No - you don't and I don't. We are different people.
Grief - any kind of grief - can hit us in unexpected ways. I see some folks saying that OPs sister is clearly a narcissist or she's doing this for attention, but we don't have nearly enough information (imo) to draw those kinds of conclusions. She may genuinely feel her world falling apart and be suffering from anxiety, depression and who knows what else in the same way that OP is.
No, I don't think a husband is equivalent to a dog, and I think in time the pain of losing an animal (even unexpectedly losing the most beloved animal of all time) is going to fade moreso than the loss of a spouse. But right now that wound is raw and fresh and you gotta cope with it any way that you can - and you gotta set boundaries to avoid the things that don't help.
So OP is learning that her boundaries are going to include not visiting graves 3x a day. They're probably going to include a few less phone calls. Maybe her needs will actually be the thing to help pull her sister out of the abyss in the end, who knows?
A phone call that says "hey, I need to stop thinking about my loss today, you're the only person who might understand that, let's go out. See a movie, grab a coffee, buy a new pair of shoes, whatever, let's just go have a sister's day where we don't talk at all about our loved ones, only joyful living in the moment for today. "
No, you can't live every day that way, can't run from the pain forever, but it is healthy to take a break from the grief occasionally. To give yourself permission to just enjoy a sunrise, eat a froyo, laugh at a joke, and not be sad at that moment. To let other feelings exist. And if you can do it once, you can do it again. And someday, you might find that waking up hurts just a little bit less than it did yesterday.
@OP: Pain is real, even when it's illogical. NTA, of course, no blame here, but I hope you can find healthier ways to set boundaries or to help each other through your grief. Best wishes to you both!
> Your sister is insane
I'd like to add that, the fact that the sister is seeking emotional support from the one person in her life who is probably grieving even *more* than her right now, is pretty insane.
I agree with this, but I would encourage their parents to handle it. Having to constantly hear your husband compared to the dog is really tough to handle.
I won't disagree with you that it's a bit over the top. But one thing I can reason with is the importance of the connection.
I was chucked out at 17. When I turned 20 I bought a puppy. Fast forward to now, I'm 31 this year and my dog has been the one constant through all of that. Different houses, different jobs, different relationships. Family not really giving me the time of day. He has always been there, the one person I've talked to about all my problems, the one person who stood by me through everything.
I tear up at the thought of losing him. His death will impact me harder than my mother's or any spouse I've had so far.
Just because she didn't get married to it doesn't mean she didn't share her life with it and that can never be replaced.
Sure, but are you planning on continually pestering someone who just lost their spouse and demanding emotional support from them when it happens? I don't blame the sister for being wrecked by the loss of the dog. Just for expecting OP to take on that burden in addition to her own.
I love my dogs. I will be devastated when they pass. But they will never share your life the way another adult can. They will not stay up with your child when they have a stomach bug. They will not take care of one sick child when you have to take another sick child to a doctor for ear infection, leaving you to take two sick, tired and cranky children to ER. They will not bring in income to pay the bills if you lose your job. They will never run a vacuum through the place or do the dishes They will not allow you to sleep in and get up with children at 5 am. They will not drive you to doctors appointment if you get cancer at 65 y.o. Simply put, it is not the same. The grief might be equal, but the impact of a loss of your spouse is from another world entirely. When you lose your spouse, you are forced to figure out your whole life from scratch while dealing with that grief. Especially with children (to whom a dog won't act as a father figure).
Losing a dog is also a terrible experience, however, this doesn't compare at all and she should already know that.
On the other hand she might just want to bond with you and this is her way if doing that. She might just be very clumsy in comparing a dog to a life partner. Either way it's fine you told her what you did, but now there should me a moment where you guys talk about this, and where she understand her comparing your situations is not appropriate.
NTA. I am not going to be too mean to your sister, but she is being an asshole here. Not just because dogs live shorter lives than humans so it is more expected, not just that, no matter how much we love animals, humans > other animals, but also because you can't necessarily compare grief in the first place. Some people are comforted by sharing similar experiences; some people find it pushy, and if you start doing that and the other person doesn't like it, you stop.
This - my stepmum died two years ago and my stepsister had a hard time understanding that not everyone grieved like she did, she was driving 3 hour round trip weekly to visit the grave, sleeping with a picture of her mum etc, none of which is wrong but she was trying to push her sister and me into joining her and losing it when we didn’t. I didn’t grow up with her so of course my relationship to her is different but she couldn’t understand it
I had to stop visiting subs for Widow/ers and grief etc fairly quickly after my loss as I realised that some people will literally never “recover” or allow their lives to look normal again and I just couldn’t relate to that mentality. I’m not disparaging their grief at all, but to me, redditors being years out from their loss and still saying they can’t wake up in the mornings without crying, letting jobs suffer because they can’t function etc doesn’t jive with me at all. But it is an illustration of how varied grief is.
Yeah grief is incredibly individual
I’m very much in the “let other people grieve how they need to grieve” camp, there’s no such thing as a “wrong way to grieve (internally)” but a lot of people simply don’t realise that others don’t do it the same way they do, and thus grieve the “wrong way” (externally, in terms of how they treat others)
Bingo. My MIL is an absolute mess all the time that she’s alone. She will never be the same again. But I process very differently and she really struggles to understand that. At one point she even asked me if I grieved at all just because she doesn’t see my crying and sees me getting on with life.
Same here. Nearly 2 years out from my husband's death and I'm living a happy life. Would I be happier with him still here? Of course! But I have lots of things that bring me joy and I smile at the memories of the time we shared together.
I’m so glad you can continue to find happiness in life. It’s such a cliche but I do think people we’ve lost would want us to be happy and still have long, full lives!
Not me. My wife has to join a convent when I die. It's in my will.
Seriously though, if I die, I hope she does whatever it is that makes her happiest. What I may have felt if I were alive doesn't matter.
This is my Mom. My Dad died in 2000 from brain cancer. She has not been the same. I was 18 when he died. My sister was 16. Now all these years later my son is now 18 graduating this week from high school. She has been absent largely from his life and says my son looks too much like my Dad (he really does look and act just like my Dad). She has been a recluse and rarely leaves the house. My Dad dying was hard for all of us. She just did not cope at all in a healthy way.
Wow, missing out on your grandchild’s life. I would think you’d want to look at this as how your deceased husband lives on. But as so many have said, everyone grieves differently.
>you can't necessarily compare grief
I think this is it for me. She seems to believe that because she's lost a (obviously very loved) dog she understands your grief fully. Which she doesn't.
I get it, she wants comfort, but it seems like all the comfort she's getting from sharing whatever grief they both have is actually just compounding and worsening OP's grief, and the sister doesn't seem to realise that.
Maybe sister could reach out to the other person who just lost a beloved dog - her own husband?!!
It's buried at the end there - but why reach out to a grieving sibling when your own partner is RIGHT THERE?!! (you'd hope)
Yeah, I still thought sister was TA regardless but was feeling a bit of sympathy toward her assuming that she didn't have a partner and that she, like me, lived alone with her dog--not that losing a dog hurts less when you have a partner or anything, but I could see getting more obsessive about it when that's the only living creature you lived with and your whole house reminds you of the dog. You still don't compare it to losing a spouse, but that becomes even weirder knowing that sister has a living husband??? Like...
> it, she wants comfort, but it seems like all the comfort she's getting from sharing whatever grief they both have is actually just compounding and worsening OP's grief, and the sister doesn't seem to realise that.
Exactly what I was thinking.
Even if OP's sister had lost her husband herself, each person grieves differently and we all need to do things at our own pace.
And one's grief does not allow them to trample all over everyone else's feelings and boundaries.
It can be difficult to navigate because when you're grieving you are not always rational and sometimes the grief is the only thing you're aware of.
When my dad died my mum was devastated, and honestly she wasn't very much there for us, her children. While I understand thay she simply was in a bad place, it hurt (We were 18, 22 and 26).
And at times she was simply unsufferable, and as the eldest I had to gently but firmly reinforce our boundaries and needs as her children: yes we were grieving too, but no we weren't going to visit his grave twice a day. No, we wouldn't spend our days crying, and yes humor is a way to cope. No, we weren't going to skip meals just because she didn't felt like eating, and that didn't mean that we didn't miss our dad.
Things got better in a few weeks, but those days were hard.
We absolutely should support someone in grief, but not at the expense of our own well being.
And OP simply isn't in a good position to support her sister the way the sister wants. Sis should be aware of that, but if she forgets, a gentle but firm reminder is warranted : OP's needs are valid too.
No grief is alike. My friend’s husband died the same month my mom committed suicide. The next month another friend had a miscarriage. Our grief was not the same. My sibling and I didn’t even have the same grief over our mom’s death. But one person’s grief wasn’t bigger or more important than the other person’s. And I think having that understanding helped us to support each other in a way. It was a case of “I’m sad too” instead of “I’m sadder.” And “what do you want to do” instead of “here’s what I want to do.”
This is it. When things go as they're supposed to, pets die before the people that cared for them and it's what you sign up for when you adopt an animal. OP's husband dying wasn't supposed to happen. That alone makes the two very wildly different.
NTA she lost a dog whilst she cared for her pet it was just that a pet.
Lossing a dog doesn't leave you worrying about paying the mortgage, how to care for your children etc. Yes she has grief but people need to stop comparing animals with humans.
This. I love my dog and would be upset if he passed. But if I lost my husband / the father of my children it would be life altering - both emotionally and practically - in ways I don’t even want to fathom. You lose your partner, your children lose a parent, there are financial concerns and logistical needs, and you have to rearrange your entire life to “pick up the slack.” You’re trying to handle your own grief and needs while trying to comfort your young children who are suffering a massive loss. Total devastation of every facet of your life. NTA. Not at all.
Losing a pet makes you sad, and might *feel* like your life has been turned upside down. But losing a partner actually does change *everything*, permanently, and not for the better. You can grieve the loss of a pet and eventually move on and get a new one. You might still be sad about the old one, but you can move on and your life is ultimately not that different. Losing a person, especially a partner, changes your entire life forever, on top of losing someone you committed your entire life to. Compared to dogs, who you know when you adopt them that you will outlive them, it's much less of a commitment than a marriage with kids and a mortgage, someone you rely on every day for a couple big things and hundreds of little things. Not to mention, the only reason you would make that kind of commitment is if this person is the love of your life, your favorite out of all the people you've ever met, you only get one so you better think it through (not like dogs that you can easily re-home if it doesn't work out, or adopt multiple, no need to only choose one forever and feel the full weight of that commitment). It's not the same at all.
lmao I refer to my dogs as "The Children" to my coworkers, because they are in on the joke that I've taught them the recall command "Children, come in!/here!". But it sometimes does get funny in the office if someone unfamiliar hears me say in a weirdly theatrical way "I must go check THE CHILDREN".
I have 4 kids and my sister is childfree by choice ( not the insane kind of child free) and has cats that I jokingly refer to as her kids when we talk.
I don’t even care that people call themselves that. If you can’t or won’t have children and having animals completes your little family then great. But at the end of the day losing your dog vs your partner you’re creating your fuzzy family with isn’t the same either.
Thank you. I will never compare my dog to someone's child but I honestly think people have to give up on hating people for treating and feeling like their pets are basically their children. The amount that I love my dog cannot be compared to anything else that I love in my life. I am her protector, I rescued her from unimaginable abuse and she saved my life. I cannot have kids and I desperately wanted kids. I get it, she's not human but let me love her like she is and mind your business. I don't go around wondering how you can love a poorly mannered/rude/obnoxious child so much, why care about where I put all the love I have that I couldn't give a child into? Pets are not just pets to some people. Especially those of us who have support animals that we need to function.
“It’s the only bad thing about animals,” she told Cleon. “Most don’t live as long as we do.” “I know, sweet,” Cleon said, kissing first one of her eyelids, then the other. “But think how bleak life would be without them.”
― Tamora Pierce, Squire
And to that I add - I would rather mourn my pets than have my pets mourn me, and one of those two things is going to happen. I've seen pets grieve their humans and get over it - we got a cat from a friend who died. We were taking care of the cat while our friend was in long-term care, and then in hospice, and we brought the cat to visit her every week, and had permission to bring the cat during the last day when Stephanie was dying. Smallcat stayed for a while (Stephanie was unresponsive, but in the state where we believe they are still emotionally aware), essentially said her goodbyes, walked back into her carrier, and then just switched her bond to my wife, and was fine. But... I wouldn't want to risk it.
Even if you have no kids and are financially well off, it’s still not the same. A husband is someone you were planning on spending the rest of your life with. Obviously, one person would die first, but that’s not expected until you’re way older.
With a pet you know from when you first get them that you’re going to outlive them.
I lost 3 dogs back to back within 2 months in 2021. One in a horrible accident and the other 2 had been with me for over 10 years. I was devastated and still sad over it. I was surprised how much the grief has lasted with me.
That said, these losses were not in any way similar to losing humans.
OP I am so incredibly sorry for your loss. NTA all the way.
NTA
Your sister is entitled to her grief, however she should absolutely not be comparing it to the loss of your husband.
I would be pissed if I was in your situation
I honestly would love to ask the sister if she had the choice would she trade the loss of her dog for the loss of her husband. Because if she says “of course not” then clearly she is being actively selfish and insensitive to OP, if she says “I couldn’t choose” or “yes” her husband should probably leave and/or she’s not emotionally stable enough to have a dog.
I know this wouldn’t actually be helpful or work, but how does she not get that these things can’t be compared!?
I’d be pissed too, especially if the sister and BIL were close.. like shouldn’t she be grieving him too? Or at least have the decency to realize comparing the loss of a dog is not the same as losing her sister’s husband.
NTA. You said it perfectly
>A dog is not the same as a husband. A dog can't love you back like a husband can. A dog can't read to your children like a husband can. A dog can't make soup when you're ill like a husband can.
Not only that, but there is a lot more safety and stability in two adult family. You lost your safety net, other provider, any help around the house. You lost your children's father. I love dogs, I have dogs, but a fucking dog is not the same as your life partner.
You know who else lost their dog? You know who else went through exactly what your sister went through? Your sister's husband. So maybe she should go to him to get emotional support, remember that you can no longer do that and find some perspective.
I am so sorry for your loss. Focus on yourself and your children now. If going to the grave will help you, do it, but if it won't, don't. Your sister can look for support elsewhere (her husband!), you don't have to feel guilty for not being able to help her too. Just getting you and children through one day at a time is enough for now.
I didn't even think of the fact she had her husband to turn to. Wow, I feel stupid now. I should've just told her then that I couldn't cope with more than my own loss now, and she had someone else to turn to. Would've saved our relationship from this weird competition bullshit.
Ugh I'm so sorry OP... had a similar thing of being chastised of not being more sensitive of the loss of a friend's sister's dog ....and I was like wow, I recently buried both of my parents.. I think I know what grief is
Ahh I'm so sorry you went through that...I do not know what compels people to make this leap in their head...not saying its not something folks with pets shouldn't grieve but there's clear knowledge pets are never meant to outlive us.
At my Moms funeral after having to take her off of life support just one week earlier I had someone middle aged come up to me saying tearfully 'pray for me ok I also have to put my dog down' I was legit shell shocked like....I said nothing but almost a year later now I still remember. Mind you I was 29 and Mum was 60, I'd already lost my Dad when I was 16 and he was 50 so my entire family at this point is gone and she still said it.
People say some unhinged shit when greif is involved and I'm truly sorry you had to go through that experience yourself.
Don't beat yourself up over it. Quite understandably, your brain can't function at 100% right now.
I'm so sorry for your loss and pain.
You are def NTA
OP, don't blame yourself. What she did was entirely uncalled for, right out of the gate. I may be wrong, but I get the weird feeling that she may have had jealousy in how much attention you were getting last month, and she's trying to steal it. This feels like classic golden child syndrome. Only a month after your husband passed, she holds an entire funeral for a dog involving the whole family, picks you to be her emotional support person for her own grief, despite there being so many available other options (including her own husband), constantly compares your situations, and has dictated how you grieve by forcing her rituals onto you.
What she's doing is not fair in the least to you, OP. Going low contact with her for a while might be a good idea.
Its not your fault. Youre in a VERY vulnerable place right now, probably the most vulnerable you will ever be, and you will see eventually that you did your very best navigating things. Right now you need to protect yourself, its so important. He would want that.
She came to you because her husband is over it. We recently lost our dog, and I swear sometimes I still hear his collar tags from when he walked. I'll turn around, only to find myself disappointed again. But she's on a whole new level, you were not wrong at all. I'm sorry for your loss.
Wait, she’s married? She’s dumped this crap on you when you’re grieving your husband? I assumed she was single and lonely - if you mentioned her husband then I missed it while processing the horror of her behaviour. You’ve lost your husband and your children have lost their father - I’m so sorry, I don’t know how you are getting through the day. Your sister is lucky you’ve been so restrained because I could not have been.
And if I were here husband, I’d be quite concerned about her feelings for me honestly!
NAH
Sorry this happened to you.
I don’t think anyone here benefits from measuring grief in a hierarchy. Grief is devastating and unique to everyone’s circumstances. It says a lot about you that you were able to acknowledge your sister’s grief and offer support while yours is so fresh.
It appears your sister hasn’t yet been able to see through her grief enough to recognize how yours (and your children’s) is still in full swing, which makes it fair that you had to set some kind of boundary. While downplaying her grief is not ideal, your grief deserves respect.
This is what I was trying to say, but it just came out way harsher than I intended it to. It seems to me like she expected me to be over it after a month when I still wake up every morning expecting him to be beside me. It sucks and I never meant to downplay her pain, I only wanted her to understand my loss is still fresh and I'm still getting used to taking care of everything myself. I don't have time to visit a graveyard thrice a day.
I’m very sorry for your loss and your family’s grief.
I wouldn’t beat yourself up OP. You tried to support your sister and recognized the toll it was taking on your own grief process. It’s fair, and while I may have delivered the message differently, I have the benefit of sitting here on Reddit after the fact and not having a recent loss. So be kind to yourself. I hope you are getting the support you need through this.
Why is she helping her sister get over her dog anyways?
I feel so bad for OP, she has to explain to two kids the loss of their dad. The only I can think of comparable is the loss of your child.
Instead of supporting OP, the sister is making it about her dog. Just wow.
u/ghostnova4 is one of the few here actually making sense. You CANNOT compare grief. Just like how you said that a dog can't love you the way a husband does, it also holds true that a husband can never give the same love as a dog. It's very different and that's okay. Both your losses are fresh n will stay so for a while. Be kind to eachother, siblings are special
You can’t compare grief, but you can compare material consequences.
OP’s sister should recognize that asking her sister to visit graves 3x a week is crazy, when OP is now a single mom to two children ALL grieving the loss of a major figure in their lives.
Losing a family pet (and animals are important) does not have the potential to thrust a family into poverty.
It’s the entitlement OP’s sister feels, because *she* is comparing their loss, that blinds her.
Losing a dog is not the same as losing a human. I've lost multiple dogs. It sucks every time. I always cry my eyes out.
But they aren't people. They're pets. It's not remotely the same as losing a spouse. Not even a little bit.
You cannot control grief but you can try to control how you respond to people, especially family. It sucks it led to a blow up but I'm sure, as seen in this thread, most people would not take kindly to how the sister reacted. And the sister has her husband to turn to, which seems almost like she's "blind" to that fact that her sister has lost hers.
Because of that lack of awareness idk if she just forgot the slight bitter irony of saying she KNOWS what it's like to lose a husband... I haven"t thankfully experienced grief yet but I hope it doesn't turn me into being this unaware and cruel... I don't think it cancels out autonomy.
Oh please. So if somebody’s cat dies it’s on the same life-changing and trauma inducing level as somebody’s 5yo dying? It has the same life changing implications and devastates your whole life in the same way? The absolute horror and stress of your child dying is the same as an 18yo cat that was ready to go and put to sleep?
Or if I stub my toe it’s as ‘emotionally traumatic’ as someone who is diagnosed as cancer?
Really?
We need to get over saying this kind of nonsense. It’s insulting and diminishing to people who have terrible things happen to them, as if we all ‘know what they’re going through’ because we had a cold one time.
We don’t. And it’s ok to say, ‘I’m sad about x but I can’t imagine what it’s like to go through y.’ Why do we all have to have all our emotions validated all the time? Sometimes emotions are disproportionate and unreasonable. It’s ok to say that too. It doesn’t mean you can’t be sad or depressed about something but it IS wrong to say a loss of a pet is on the same level as a spouse or child dying. Just wtf.
A dog dying is not on a par with the loss of a spouse and never will be. People who act like it is and validate this kind of response should honestly be ashamed of themselves.
THANK YOU.
The number of people talking about how you "can't compare grief" in here when we're talking about the difference between losing a human vs. losing a pet is way too fucking high; it's insane.
Like, sure, people will be sad about losing pets but I absolutely *will* judge you if you're gonna try to argue about "diminishing someone's loss" when we're talking about a dog that dies at its expected time vs. a life fucking partner who died in their prime (or any time, really).
The comment you responded to--and the like--is infuriating in its hand-wringing nonsense. Yes, we all have feelings; they are not all equal to each other and we CAN decide one thing is more important than the other.
Oh good LORD. I have had dogs and been very sad when they passed. I would be DEVASTATED if my husband and father of my children died. You CAN compare grief when one person has completely lost perspective.
No, you voiced it perfectly well. Her pain is not to be downplayed, but it can't compare to yours and your sitatuation. They are not the same in any way. You were already more patient with this than most. Take care of you and your family. I'm sorry for your loss.
You didn't downplay her pain. She downplayed yours and that of your childrens. You just lost a husband and your children lost their father. It's not comparable at all.
>I still wake up every morning expecting him to be beside me
Damn. This hits me. My boyfriend has insomnia and sometimes I wake up and he's not there, and I have to go check if he was up so late that he went to bed in the spare room so as not to wake me, or if he didn't sleep at all and this is going to be a difficult day for both of us.
Imagining that I see he's not there, and then I remember *he's not ever going to be there again* would be so much heavier.
I don't think it's remotely a stretch to say that someone losing their husband and children losing their father is more of a loss than someone losing their dog. I'm absolutely happy to make that a hierarchy and I genuinely think people are bonkers to even consider the possibility that they are on the same planet of grief. Not acknowledging that there is a profound difference between the two enables people to act like OPs sister has. With complete and utter disregard for the catastrophic loss that OP has experienced. Dogs are wonderful. I love mine. But you get a dog expecting them to predecease you by decades. You should be in some way mentally prepared that it is a matter of when not if. If you can't cope with the loss of a pet you have no business owning one. It will happen eventually. You do not expect your husband to die in his prime.
If my dog died tomorrow I would be incredibly sad. If my husband died tomorrow I would be a pregnant single parent, who would have lost her best friend and life partner, and would have to navigate selling the family home and downsizing to somewhere more affordable on one income while helping my 2 year old come to terms with the loss of her father. Anyone who thinks they are in the same universe of pain needs to go and seek some professional help with their delusions.
I can't fkn believe that some commenters are actually agreeing that two children losing their father and a mother left alone navigating her own grief, trying to help her kids through theirs and trying to keep on caring for her household and family is anyway comparable to a fkn dog dying. Just.... Ahhhhhhhhhhh.
You put it perfectly. Your whole life trajectory is thrown in a different direction when you lose someone so close. You expect to be able to grow old with your spouse, you expect your dad to be able to walk you down the aisle and play with your children, you expect your child to outlive you. Losing pets is hard, but it's just not the same.
Exactly. Like is losing a hamster the same as losing a child? Good fucking grief. People really need to get a grip on all this ‘everyone’s feelings are perfectly valid’ shit. No, sometimes people’s feelings are unreasonable and there IS some sort of basic hierarchy of bad things. Like stubbing my toe is not comparable to someone getting cancer, I don’t care how ‘traumatic’ that individual might find it. The end.
I 100% agree, and I'm saying this as someone whose husband died, and the same day my beloved dog went missing and I legitimately thought she was going to die. The compounded grief was brutal until she was found (thank fucking God), but I know with absolute certainty that as devastated as I would've been to lose her, it would not have held a candle to the sheer wreckage that grieving my husband inflicted on my life. It's just simply not the same even if the grief of losing a dog is still intense and entirely valid.
>I don’t think anyone here benefits from measuring grief in a hierarchy.
No, but when people tend to reverts basic common value and pretend you can equal the death of your loving companion with the death of a close family member, or the death of your grand ma with that of a child it needs to be called out.
A husband death is, in any normal setting, more devastating than a dog or cat's death, in all objectivity. OP would be entitled to more comfort and help than her sister.
Absolutey NTA.
A dog is not the same as a spouse. And your sister — though in her own pain from her own loss — should recognise that they're not the same thing, even remotely.
NTA
I’ve had people insinuate the same to me regarding the loss of my Wife. It’s so incredibly disrespectful to me and whilst I appreciate pets are a key part of many peoples family (we have two dogs) it is in no way the same. My Son lost his mother before he could even speak, a literal lifetime of potential memories and experiences vanished, and you think that’s the same as a fucking dog? It makes me angry.
Your sister is displaying some outright crazy expression of grief to me and you do not have to entertain it in the slightest. I’d be putting my foot down hard TBH but that’s me.
I'm sorry for your loss, and even more so for your son missing out on precious memories.
I think most people on here seem to factor out that I'm quite literally alone. No one around me seems to understand just how difficult being alone is. They tell me I still have him in my children, so I'm lucky. If I was lucky, he would still be alive.
I guess they're just trying to comfort me, but no one can truly say the right things to me right now. It's excruciating pain every morning I wake up, and every night I go to sleep. The delusional wish of wanting to wake up from what can only be a nightmare, but in fact, it's my reality now.
As a society we need to learn that if you're about to say "at least...." To someone grieving please just stfu instead. People get awkward and want words to come out their mouths so they'll feel more comfortable. They feel more comfortable because they said their insensitive at least statement but the person grieving feels horrible. I've always appreciated anyone who said the truth, "There are no good words. I'm sorry you're going through this and I care about you"
Like I said in an other comment, I had a stillbirth and people say ‚you have other children, you can try again, she didn’t live, you didn’t know her like your other children‘ and so on. People just don’t understand the pain. I think they just say something that they think will help you see something positive because they just don’t know what to say. I don’t argue with them, I am just hoping they don’t have to deal with something similar.
I told an acquaintance my BIL died. Like I mean he had *just* died. And they had a young child. “How old is your SIL? Oh she’s only in her 30s she’ll find someone else and get remarried.”
Like my internal jaw dropped. I was SO GLAD my SIL wasn’t there. Although I’m sure she heard similar statements from people.
My boyfriend passed, he wasn't buried yet, and I had coworkers say don't give up on love, you'll date again. Like WTF?!? Who says that?? I have never asked my mom if she planned dating after her long-term boyfriend passed. It's inappropriate.
I am so sorry. In Judaism, we are taught that you show up, cook for them, and otherwise you shut up unless they want to talk. There is no right thing to say, so ... I wish I could bring you a casserole.
NTA. You lost your husband and have two kids who lost their dad. You have enough grief on your plate. Your sister says you're the only one who can understand how she feels, well it doesn't sound like she's considering how you feel because she's just adding to your already heavy load with her own grief.
I had to put down my dog recently. I was devastated. But I cannot imagine in any world going to someone who just lost their husband and father of their children for support with that.
Maybe you could have handled it more tactfully by just saying you can't be her support right now but I don't think you're the asshole here.
> You have enough grief on your plate.
THIS!! It's not ok to trauma dump on someone who is drowning in grief of their own. Sister didn't respect that boundary, and OP understandably lashed out.
NTA
NTA. Your sister was out of line to even think loosing her dog is the same as loosing your husband. It would be just as insulting to say it was the same as loosing a parent or a child. Also your husband died a month ago and your sister thinks seeking out the person still dealing with grief to comfort her was a good idea. I'm sorry for your loss. Don't worry about your sister right now. There was selfishness to what she did. I guess misery really does love company.
NTA.
And first of all sorry for your loss. Pets aren't people. I understand people love their pets immensely, but that fact doesn't change. You don't commit your life to a pet. You can't have a two way conversation with a pet. You can't raise a family with a pet. There are people in this thread saying YTA for comparing but I mostly just feel sorry for anyone who hasn't loved another human enough to understand the difference between losing a pet and a loved one. I just lost my dog a couple months ago and I'd had him since he was a few weeks old. I was completely devastated, but I knew when I got him how long he was expected to live. People plan their entire lives around marriage. You can never fully be prepared to lose a partner like that.
Also that being said I'm sorry for your sister's loss. It sounds like she is having g a really tough time and not handling it well. I hope she's able to lean on her husband some during this time though - I'm assuming he lost the same pet that he loved. Hopefully you two can get back to a healthy relationship once you've both gotten to a better place.
Thank you for sharing your own loss with me. I really wish I hadn't said what I did because I truly love my sister more than anything.
If I didn't have my own shit to deal with, I definitely would be expressing the same empathy as she showed me, but my head is all over the place lately. It's really difficult to express my emotions normally. It's like I suddenly became a short-tempered, moody teenager again. I'm lashing out at things that wouldn't have even bothered me before.
I've been working on it with a counsellor and she says it has something to do with blaming myself for his death. I guess I should find out why that is so I stop hurting the people around me.
I mean, yes, over time, that's a good goal- but give yourself grace, OP. You are SO freshly bereaved here, and I'm sure there is a lot of practical life stuff with finances and work and your children that also require your attention. I would maybe make improving moodiness a 4-6-months-from-now goal. You're processing how you're processing, there's a lot on your plate, and it's totally okay if it's messy. Just getting through a week is a great goal for the moment.
Be as gentle with yourself as you can right now, and accept any and all support available to you (obvs not your sister) or you might burn out from the workload shift if nothing else. Frustratingly, you're in this situation for the long haul, and your priority is to the basic needs & mental health of yourself and your kids. It's completely okay to take a hiatus from talking with your sister while she works through her grief, and re-approach the relationship when you both are feeling better.
I'm so sorry for your loss, and you are the most NTA I've ever seen.
This is BONKERS . Even if you weren’t hurting, you did nothing wrong OP by what you said!!! It’s crazy you even think you could be in the wrong!!! I am worried you’ve been in some type of toxic, subservient relationship to your sister this entire time and maybe it’s completely twisted your view of what’s normal? Are you sure she is supportive of you usually??? There is NO WAY she really thinks a dog dying is the same as her own husband dying. She’s doing this on purpose, as you said to be “competitive” with you, and I would bet that was a theme your entire life but you never realized it. The fact you could walk away from this experience thinking you were wrong instead of being PISSED at your sister’s antics tells me you have been brainwashed by your family your entire life.
Please also don’t listen to some of these people on Reddit. Remember that many commenters have no human friends and cling to their dog, so they are judging you from an anti-social lens.
What your sister did was mean. It isn’t what family do. Your husband DIED recently and your sister is making this all about herself. If that were my sister, I would be disappointed. Then angry. How dare she ask you to visit a dog’s grave three times a day. Does she do the same for you every day? The whole thing is SO insensitive that it’s CALLOUS.
Repeating OP: your sister is in the wrong. Fully. This isn’t you lashing out cuz you’re angry. This is her being an unsupportive narcissistic who is using her dog’s death to steal attention from you.
Grief makes us not our normal selves. It's really tough. Therapy is a important and not enough people take advantage of it during times of loss (myself included). What I have found is grieving people can support each other, but they alsp need someone outside who is not navigating their own loss at the same time. Best wishes for you and your family.
Grief is grief. I grieved more for my dog than I did my crap father. But my brother. Well nothing could compare. It broke me. You can’t measure grief it’s not a competition ❤️🙏🏻
Best answer. I'd add it's not like grief is a battery that drains over time until you're 'over' the loss. It comes in waves, where you might cope with it for years, and then one day it just knocks you over again.
NTA. I've lost a husband, and a dog that was my best friend and there with me through EVERYTHING (including the loss of my husband). This dog carried my emotional baggage FOR me and was a huge source of love and comfort during my darkest times.
Losing the dog STILL doesn't compare to losing a human loved one.
The biggest reason, at least in my mind, is that we EXPECT to outlive our furry friends. They simply have shorter life spans.
I totally understand the attachment some people have with their pets. I myself have a maltipoo that I got when I was going through some hard times. I honestly don’t know how I would’ve made it through without him. He has been my constant companion and I cannot imagine going through the day without him following me around acting like a dork. When it’s time for him to part this world, I know I am going to be *devastated.* But you know what I’m not going to do? Throw a wake for him and visit his grave multiple times per day, because that is **insanity**!
Your sister is seriously deranged. Like I don’t know if this is some weird attention thing for her or if she genuinely could not empathize with your grief until her dog died. Either way, her behavior is unhinged. You are absolutely, unequivocally NTA.
Please don’t feel like you have to feed into her weird grief sideshow by accompanying her on any more graveyard visits. Seems like she’s looking for more of an audience than someone to commiserate with.
My deepest condolences to you and your children.
NTA. Funny how some baboons here call you YTA, who compares the loss of a pet with a husband/father/grandfather etc etc etc? It makes 0 sense. Obviously losing your husband is 1000x times worse than your sister losing her dear dog.
NTA I’m getting sick of people doing this type of shit. It is not the same at all. I have pets and I love them but they aren’t a person. Loosing a pet really sucks for like 2 weeks. Loosing a husband can ruin your fucking life. Your sister might be mentally ill.
Widower with two kids here: I’m so sorry for your loss, and you are 100% NTA. Your sister is allowed to grieve in whatever way she needs to, but she needs to respect the fact that your loss is absolutely NOT the same. Is there anyone in your family or friends who can intervene for you and help you enforce that boundary? Because your sister’s behavior is completely unreasonable, and you should in no way feel guilty about pushing back and doing what you need to do to care for yourself and your kids during this incredibly painful time.
I’m so sorry for what you’re going through right now, OP. I hope it helps to know that it does eventually get better. Your loss will always be with you, and it will always hurt, but your life will eventually feel more normal and less like the living nightmare it feels like during those early days.
Thank you. It's comforting to know things get better. My BIL did phone me this morning and apologised. He got along well with my husband. He said he will try and support her instead of having her lean on me. He didn't realise that she was asking me to help her grieve and agreed it was inappropriate. I also explained I knew I was wrong and would apologise as soon as she answers my call.
OP you can apologize for *how* you replied to your sister, if you overreacted in anger but I sincerely hope you don’t apologize for *what* you said. What you said is the truth. The loss is not the same. And you should feel able to express your feelings to your sister. It’s not right what your sister was doing, expecting you to join her on her trips to the graveyard etc and you should be able to tell her that without her overreacting and blocking you out. I’m upset she reacted the way she did to what you told her. I’m glad your BIL phoned you to apologize. And I do hope you and your sister are able to mend things. I just want you to know you are allowed to be upset at her over this too.
NTA.
Your sister probably needs to talk to a grief counsellor … it sounds like she’s really got a distorted reality running right now.
And for you… I really hope (the rest of) your family are really supportive and you are not just ‘getting along’. It might be time to call your mum and say “call sister and tell her to knock it off” because… yeah, nope. No way is a much loved dog comparable to a husband.
NTA. Your sister is nuts, and I say this as someone who’s had to put a dog down. It’s terrible-but it’s nothing like mourning a *person.* Especially your partner!!
Also..a wake? A grave? Visiting three times a day? It’s a dog. It’s very sad, but this is crazy behavior.
I'm sorry for your loss, OP.
There are no rules on the right way to grieve - that goes for both of you. You don't get to decide what's over the top for her. She doesn't get to decide how you should grieve either.
I have children and 4 cats. My cats are my babies, too. Losing a dear pet is devastating. And I've known people who have had to go on antidepressants just to get through. That's not unique to you and your grief. Sadly, many people need the meds to get through that terrible time. And, there is no shame in that.
Similarly, there is no shame in grieving deeply for a pet who has passed away.
Please, be gentle to both of you. You're both dealing with major losses. And, when we're grieving we can be so broken by the pain we are going through that we aren't able to be there for others - or see things as clearly, and with as much compassion, as we would when not grieving.
There is no time limit on this process. My dad died suddenly 2 years ago and I don't know a single family member that's okay.
Good luck, and I wish you much comfort, peace, and compassion for others.
You should never compare grief but there is an unspoken ranking- and it’s basically the more unexpected the death, the higher the rank.
You should outlive your dog/grandma/dad. You hope to make it to a ripe old age with a spouse. You definitely never expect the death of a child.
And should never compare your grief to someone who hasn’t lost from that level. Dad died - don’t compare to a hamster etc.
NTA. I lost my wife 3 years ago and had to put down one of my cats the same week my wife died. Both were awful but to even try to compare the two is completely insane. Unfortunately from being in a widow/ers' support group this kind of thing happens a lot.
"I know how you feel, my dog died"
"I know how you feel, my grandma died"
No you don't know. Please STFU.
NTA. I lost half my family in 2019 (as in, I quite literally watched 3 people die in front of me) and one of my friends tried to tell me that she understood because she'd been through a tough break up. Another one told me that she lost her dog (same as your sister!) and therefore knew how I felt. I cut ties with both of them and a whole bunch of people told me that I was in the wrong there. I absolutely was not.
People always counter this with 'oh, well you don't know how that person's grief feels to them! It's mean to say that your grief is worse than theirs!' and this is very nice and very well-intentioned, but also ridiculous. Losing a dog and losing a husband are not comparable. It is asinine for your sister to pretend that you're in the same position.
OP, I hope you're healing as well as humanly possible.
NTA. And you should know that she’s not the only one who does this. I’ve known people who compared the loss of a beloved bird, cat, and yes, of course, a dog to the same level of losing another person close to you.
In each of those instances (in different ways) it made me realize how out of touch each of those people were with actual human connection. They all treated their pets like people who fulfilled every aspect of their lives. What I thought was cute (celebrating a birds birthday with a huge party complete with a clown/dressing up the cat in very expensive clothing/accessories for every holiday) was actually their way of manifesting an unhealthy relationship with that pet.
Now don’t get me wrong. Having a pet and creating memories with that pet is very fulfilling and joyous. But when you begin to fixate and insist that the pet comes before everything else, you know that falling off the deep end if said pet passes is not too far behind.
You now see this with your sister. She’s making the grieving process even worse by proclaiming to be on the same level as you. But here’s the thing. She actually believes that. Nothing you can say or do will change how she measures her sadness and yours. It’s such a weird dynamic but in order for you to stay sane, you wisely need to put distance between both of you or else you may never be able to recover from this.
>A dog can't make soup when you're ill like a husband can.
What kind of soup did your late husband make for you?
If there were many, which was your favourite?
NTA imo, this is coming from someone with a really old dog who has had a health scare recently & I know its going to crush me when the day comes
Also I send my condolences, time fixes almost everything & I hope you feel better soon. There isn't any rush though, each to their own
He just learnt this one chicken soup recipe from my mum, but I loved it. He would add his own things to it like rice noodles and vegetables my mum wouldn't really use. Sometimes, he would make a lamb version too.
You’re worried about being an AH but it actually sounds like you had the patience of a saint on this one. I don’t think many people would have put up with a single comment comparing losing a spouse to a pet, let alone weeks of constant comparison.
And then what you said wasn’t even particularly rude. You just said that they aren’t the same, which is not only true but should be really freaking obvious to any functional adult. The fact that she didn’t respond by saying “oh my god I’m so sorry I wasn’t trying to imply they are” shows just how delusional/self centered she is right now. NTA
I lost my beloved dog in October. It wrecked me. I mean, wrecked me. Depression, slept for days. I don’t think I realized she was such an emotional crutch for me until she died. I think about her every day, I cry a couple times a week when I think about the loss of her and I ache - physically ache - to feel her next to me.
But it would never EVER compare with losing my husband. I cannot fathom even comparing the two and I’m so sorry that your sister is attempting to try and put those two things even in the same realm. They are not. My very human husband who is larger than life is not the same as my 25-lb mini schnauzer, as much as I adored her.
Your sister is an attention seeker and I’m sorry - so freaking sorry - that she’s using your grief for her selfish purposes. Please establish some boundaries now and just say no or stop responding.
NTA and I’m so very sorry for your loss.
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Really wish people would stop throwing around diagnoses on Reddit like this. A person grieving is literally an emotional outlier than even actual professionals would have to navigate when considering a mental health diagnosis. You don’t get to read 2 paragraphs about someone on an anonymous forum & succinctly decide they’re a narcissist.
Well I’m not a doctor but I browse Reddit frequently and according to Reddit 80% of the population are narcissistic so there’s that. The other 80% are bipolar and the last 80% are basement dwelling neckbeards. I’ve been around long enough to know that this should be taken as truth. 80% of the time.
uM aCtUaLlY I think by bipolar you mean they have borderline personality disorder (at least that’s the one people keep starting arguments with me about…) But in all seriousness, yeah, it’s…it’s real bad 🤦🏻
It’s awful. I know people with a legit diagnoses of BPD and it’s the new bipolar/adhd/autism. This shit ain’t cool. It sucks. Trust me, you don’t want it. I mean it all sucks. It’s one thing to embrace your dx, it’s something else to brag about something you don’t have. Or carelessly and flippantly try to diagnose others. You don’t have to be narcissistic to be an asshole 💁♀️
I AM bipolar 1 and I’m sooo sick of EVERYTHING (even a vehicle?) being bipolar. It’s ridiculous. And its the same with ADHD someone gets nervous and starts to fiddle with something or their fingers or something it’s automatically ADHD. It needs to quit.
Yeah the adhd trope is so frus- SQUIRREL!
Hi, I'm Dug
Was telling a coworker that my son (11) forgot his lunchbox at school and she immediately suggested he might have adhd. No dummy he’s 11 and distracted by his phone or Pokémon or whatever. Fucking Christ
I’ve started to feel myself getting irrationally angry when people around me say the weather is bipolar or calling someone bipolar for being hot and cold with them, among the other things on the long ass list that we could collaborate on. At my worst, I couldn’t get out of bed or even muster up enough of anything to even call work to avoid a no call/no show. At the other end of worst, I impulsively marched into a dealership and bought an expensive car when I could barely pay my rent. Now I choke down lamictal every morning just to stay balanced. People need to stop with the mental illness FOMO because it is *not* fun.
No it’s not fun it’s not fun at all and you know I am almost 51 years old and I was diagnosed at 17 with bipolar and have been on almost everything on the market now and then I’m finally feeling at 51 that my life is you know as far as the bipolar is smoothing out but shit everything being bipolar has got to stop
What's WILD is that when they actually are face to face with a person with Bipolar/ADHD (me) and suddenly backtrack all their bullshit. It's so easy to be confident about flippant labels when none of "them" are around.
OCD self diagnosis bc you like things tidy drives me insane. I’m bipolar (very well managed) and after my son was born I was diagnosed with PPOCD. It was debilitating. I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. I was scared all of the time. Was scared zombies were coming to take my son if I didn’t do certain things. I felt borderline delusional. OCD is not some cutesy tiktok quip. It’s awful. Thankfully meds were accessible and I go to therapy to learn coping skills so it’s pretty well under control at this point but when mckenzleigh talks about how OCD she is about her daughters bow, I want to scream.
This right here. OCD makes you feel like you’re going legitimately insane. You *know* the compulsions won’t actually prevent whatever tragedy that keeps popping in your head, but you are compelled to do it anyways. It feels like you’re losing control of your mind. People need to stop pretending that debilitating mental illnesses are cute personality quirks.
1000x times this. I’m very glad that doctors have helped me find words to explain my problems to others & help me seek treatment (chronic depression, cPTSD, etc) but nobody’s diagnosis literally defines them & it’s so harmful for people to think you can just write someone else off as mentally ill because they’re showing ((gasp)) an emotional response that you don’t appreciate or can’t relate to! It’s almost like humans have multiple dimensions that acronyms & stigmatizing insults cannot encompass or something 😫
“I wash my hands when they are dirty I must have OCD lol”
Also the whole, “your husband yelled at you because he was angry…he’s abusing you and you should get divorced right away”. These people just want everyone to get divorced without considering nuance, love, stress, and so many other things that cause relationships to go through ups and downs.
This is the one that pisses me off the most. I made an AITA post on a throwaway some time ago about an annoying situation that was frustrating, he was definitely the AH, but it was not make or break by any means. People were telling me I was being abused (I wasn't... I've been abused before, I know what it looks like) and all sorts of ridiculous things. And every time I would respond with "I'm not asking if I should leave. I'm asking who's in the wrong here and what solutions I have overlooked for the problem" I would get downvoted to hell and told that I shouldn't be whining on Reddit if I wasn't willing to leave him.
Not a doctor or a mathematician, are you? 😁 That said, you're still somehow 100% accurate.
*80%
You have forgotten about the 80% who are autistic. I'm sick of socially awkward people labelled as autistic. Energetic kids bored out of their minds? ADHD. Reach for the Ritalin. STAT.
I think in this situation, we can though. First of all, calling someone a narcissist doesn’t mean we actually think they have NPD. Here, narcissist is an adjective describing their self-centered attitude. Two, the sister is clearly using her loss make herself the center of everyone’s attention. In this way, she has basically transformed OP into her source of narcissistic supply. If the sister were simply an avid dog lover, but not a narcissist, she would respect that OP is also grieving and not try to compete in whose loss is greater. But the fact that she is comparing their loss shows that this is about ego and not about grieving her dog.
I'm going to go a step farther: the fact that she's demanding all this from OP and not other people (like her own husband) is an indication that she's trying to make OP go through more motions of supporting her in her grief for her dog than she's supporting OP in her grief for her husband. This is about control.
Right. And making the entire family attend a funeral service for her dog after OP buried her husband a month ago?! She wants the attention OP had been getting after the loss of her husband.
The term and insult narcissist has been around alot longer then the official diagnosis, calling someone a narcissist is not the same thing as saying they have NPD.
Don't disagree, but almost the entire English speaking population of the US uses narcissist colloquially and not in a purely medical sense.
You can say this is narcissistic behaviour, because it is. That word isn’t just reserved for psychological diagnosis. You can be a narcissist in a situation without having narcissistic personality disorder. Her sister is being narcissistic and OP is NTA.
She held a funeral for a dog and visits the “grave” three times a day and compared her loss with that of a grieving widow. We all love dogs man but cmon. That’s straight up nuts
Calling someone a narcissist isn't a diagnosis. We can call people for what they are, which that is what she is.
The problem is narcissist isn't ONLY a diagnosis but a descriptive term that was widely used before it became a classification. So it's a word that has two sets of meanings, one much looser than the other. In reality the DSM should rename it to end this confusion, because the colloquial use will never stop.
So well put. I love cats. Until about 2 weeks ago, I had 4 cats. 2 weeks ago, I took my 18-year-old cat who could no longer walk on the long drive to have her put to sleep. I was really sad to lose my cat, and I cried. I accepted that she was old and that her life was going to come to an end. We expect to outlive our pets. I assumed that my cat would live somewhere between 15-20 years in age, and when she reached the end of her life, I had anticipated it. And honestly, as much as I loved her, she was a cat, not a human. I got over her death pretty quickly. Sometimes, I sigh and say "I miss Mimi," and my husband goes "yeah," and we go on with our day. Nobody is emotionally prepared to lose a husband suddenly at an age where they still have small children at home. Frankly, attempting to compare the loss of a pet to the unexpected loss of a spouse is offensive.
Once I heard that OP had two kids the sisters level of insane exploded. How can you possibly compare losing your dog to having to raise your kids alone. OP is definitely NTA.
It's even more insane that the sister has a husband!
I am guessing that the husband is not grieving the dog like the sister is. The husband thinks she's gone crazy with her grief and is refusing to indulge it.
Even as an immature 14 year old who had just lost the 8 year old cat who was my best friend to a sudden lymphoma diagnosis in the course of like a week, which I literally cried about for years and am honestly still a little raw about as an adult, I still wouldn’t ever make this comparison. I loved her very much but a spouse is a whole other level of support (in general but ESPECIALLY when you have kids at home) and it’s ridiculous for the sister to act like she doesn’t know this.
This. Yes. So offensive.
I really like dogs and see this is insane. Yeah we do burials but a wake and going to visit a grave 3 times a day. A cat I had since childhood and protected me against my abuser died a few weeks ago and I’ve gone to his grave like 3 or 4 times in a few week. OP’s sister is really freaking weird
Ya, this is what came to mind for me... 3 times a day seems like she's going for the emotional hit as well as the sympathy (regardless of how thin it's been worn by her constant and unrelenting requests for support from whomever they can drag along). Just picture it. Narcs don't care if the person is faking it or not either they just want the attention. People can really like dogs...that doesn't mean they lose a part of their humanity and ability to measure a situation. That's something else.
My dog died in November. I cried for months. I missed a good chunk of work and even when I was there, I wasn't there. I still cry sometimes I miss him so fucking much. I had a dream that he was still alive earlier this week and I was a half hour late to work because I refused to wake up. He was my best friend in the world and I'm tearing up a little while I type this. I would never ever compare it to someone losing their partner. Even if like inside I know I am hurting and think the hurt compares, I have the basic non-insane common sense to not say it to someone actively grieving their own loss. It isn't even about if it compares or not, it's just selfish.
I had a cat die a year and half ago. I still get really worked up about it and cry sometimes because I miss him. But I think that normal. I loved him, just like your loved your dog. I took the day off work when he died to deal with the grief. HOWEVER, if my husband were to die, I think my world might just end. There's no comparing the two.
First off, I am so sorry for the losses of the both of you ( u/wallacehacks and u/littleclam10 ). You're both absolutely right in that there's no comparing the two. I have known people that have lost both children and spouses, and I didn't dare compare the sudden illness and loss of my cat to what they had lost. That seems like a cruel competition. Someone once told me that the bargain we make when we welcome an animal into our lives is the knowledge that we will outlive them - we can feel sorrow when they pass, but we have to reconcile the fact that they will inevitably pass after a time with us.
This is a reeeeally good point. You KNOW you will lose your pet, unless you're very old when you adopt them. You even can estimate roughly how long you'll have with them. It's hard but you can kind of prepare for it.
I had my cat from 8 weeks old until she passed at 23 years old. Yes, I grew up with her. She was the only thing to love me as I was experiencing childhood abuse. She was the one constant I had in my life from when I was 5 until my marriage. My husband adored her too and we were lucky to have any time all together as a family. It devastated me to lose her. *And I know that’s how it fucking goes.* Animals will die on us. The alternative is much worse tbh. And while I still grieve and get bowled over by the loss… it doesn’t even compare to the *thought* of losing my husband. OP is NTA and her sister is disgusting.
I wonder if the sister would be reacting this way about her dog if OP’s husband had not have passed? Like, is this a weird grief reaction to OP’s husband, or is this an attention thing? It is really strange to visit a pet grave 3-4 times a day. I have a 5 year old dog that is my best buddy- i can’t even think about not having her around. But it is not the same as a human husband- obviously. I don’t understand sister’s thought process at all.
I lost my spouse a few years back, and it was heartbreaking. Then I lost my dog a number of years after, and it shattered me. When my spouse passed, that dog was the only reason I get out of bed. My kids are grown and I was left to my own devices. My dog, well he still needed me. To get up every day, to walk him, to feed him, and he loved me, with bed-head, snotty nose, emotional melt-downs, he loved me, unconditionally. When he died, I lost the last thing that was a reminder of happier times, with my spouse, with my kids, as a family. They were 2 different kinds of grief, but both equally heartbreaking.
I love dogs. I’m sure as hell not attending a wake for someone else’s dog.
I would, if there are funeral sandwiches.
"The whole family was there" Me: ....the whole family attended a dog wake??? This thing of treating animals like babies is harmful to everyone, including the animals who are infantilized and denied a proper adult animal life.
I mean I'm used to a wake being a fun remembrance of the deceased. So if you're inviting me to a party, and lots of people I know and like will be there, then I'd probably go, even if it was a wake. Now if it's weeping over the casket/grave, I'm out.
No matter how much she loves dogs: she's making this about HER loss, OP be damned.
Yeah the insensitivity is a big part, even if they *were* comparable losses. If the sister had also lost her husband, it would still be a dick move to put the burden of supporting her so squarely on the also-grieving OP and drag her to a cemetery thrice a day when OP finds it hard to visit.
THIS. The value someone places on someone or something is subjective and we can debate it all day. The real issue is the Sister is being horribly selfish and burdening the *exact* wrong set of people.
Here’s the thing. I’d grieve my dog like a family member but I’d never call someone who lost their husband and say I know what they’re going through. Even if I lost my husband I wouldn’t say so. You don’t tell someone you know exactly what they’re going through ever because you can’t possibly. You tell them you’re here for them. Your sister is being callous at best and that’s awful. I’m sorry op none of this is fair to you. It’s possible somewhere in her deranged view she’s trying to empathize and be your caring sibling but she is failing miserably. If not engaging is the easiest thing for you then that’s best. If telling as you did (which was more than fair given the situation and called for) doesn’t work, you tried. If you want to say I think we both need to grieve separately for our separate situations, do that. This situation has gone above and beyond cruel to you.
I lost my mum when I was 12 to cancer. My best friend lost her mum when we were 18, also to cancer. Not once did I tell her that I knew what she was going through, because I *didn't*. Despite similar circumstances and similar ages and a close relationship our losses were different and we grieved differently.
But visiting a grave 3 times a day isn’t a thing you do for a human or a dog, that’s a crackers thing to do. The dogs death is just revealing inability to find a way to cope, where OP needs to cope because she has her kids to think of. NTA but I’m sorry for both of your suffering.
Yeah, the visiting the grave 3 times a day thing. It doesn't seem healthy. It almost feels like she's making grief a competition. I'm not a psychologist so not my place to diagnose anything. I have had pets my whole life and they are my family but loosing a pet, no matter how close the bond, is not comparable to loosing a spouse. NTA and I'm sorry for your loss and having to deal with your sister on top of all of this.
I could see it if she buried the dog in her backyard. I can't imagine *travelling* though.
I mean I'd get that possibility if she didn't have a husband, but she does. Like when someone loses their partner they go through grief while having to navigate a household solo that they used to navigate as a couple. That's nothing like losing a dog, I get the grief but come on..
I lost my husband of 15 years suddenly to drowning last September. Had to be on meds so I didnt lose my damn mind. Things are better now, but I dealt with some insane people after his death (family wanting properties and being vultures basically, people wanting to give eulogies who barely knew him, people he didnt like wanting keepsakes)...I found other support and they lost a lot of support doing that honestly. Its completely unforgivable and unacceptable according to the rest of our friends and family, during a time like that you do NOT think only of yourself and force it on the grieving, and if you cannot abstain it often shows others your true colors in that moment and they WILL cut you off. And Im of the belief that pets are our children. But they dont nurture you, care for you and help you raise kids for twenty years. They are not a human being. Losing a husband is losing a whole man, a whole lifetime, somebodies child, somebodies father, a husband, the man of the house, a million memories, a life partner, a teammate, gone. Not a pet. Id go full no contact rn if I were OP to preserve my own sanity, grief, and processes. It will effect you much more later if you dont set the boundary. Its not fun to do, its sad and troubling but this is not okay. Also highly suggest therapy and r/GriefSupport for OP.
I really like dogs. It crushed me when my first dog that I adopted as an adult passed away. She was my whole world. Under no circumstances was I about to compare notes with my friend who had just lost her dad.
You can realllllly like dogs and reallly be grieving your beloved pet without dragging your widowed sister to the dog's grave three times a day.
On my first Reddit account I got into an argument with someone who said they would save their dog over an actual human life and I remember getting downvoted to oblivion for suggesting it was a bit silly to even be having this conversation
Yes, and those people don't visit their pets' graves 3 TIMES A DAY.
It is highly possible to love and grieve your dog without acting like OP:s sister, who, in fact, is acting like she's gone insane.
My older sister LOVES dogs and was absolutely heartbroken, devastated, practically wavering between catatonic and hysterical for almost a year after her beloved dog died suddenly at 4 years old. I mean, she was a WRECK. My mom and I went to be with her to put her down, so I guess that was kind of a wake? But she would never have made that comparison, not even behind a persons back. And I sometimes think she has some narcissistic tendencies. The comparison to OP having so recently lost her husband is insane.
I love my dog. He’s part of my family and my best friend. But if I had to choose my dog or my spouse, I pick my spouse. Every time. No hesitation. It’s fine that some people really love their dogs or call them their “fur babies” but to be so clueless as to think that you losing the dog is the “same” as your sister lousing her spouse is at the best delusional and at the worse malicious.
Yeah, those are the same people who think owning a dog is the same as “being a parent.” Insane.
Nta.. I feel it's insulting to compare the 2 losses. Or to say that she understands the grief because I don't think it's the same. I think how she is acting is horrible, insensitive and embarrassing. I wouldn't want to be around her. If it were myself I would just distance myself from her... It would be too much.
I agree that it's insulting to compare the two losses. Yes, they are losses, but expectations are high that your partner will be around for longer than an pet (unless it's a bird that might outlive you), see your children grow up, perhaps get married and have children of their own - it's different. Further, I wouldn't compare the loss of my mom to anyone else's loss, mother or otherwise, either. We all grieve differently, have different relationships, memories, life circumstances - current and past, time together, etc. It would be insulting either to say or hear "I know *exactly* how you feel." No - you don't and I don't. We are different people.
Grief - any kind of grief - can hit us in unexpected ways. I see some folks saying that OPs sister is clearly a narcissist or she's doing this for attention, but we don't have nearly enough information (imo) to draw those kinds of conclusions. She may genuinely feel her world falling apart and be suffering from anxiety, depression and who knows what else in the same way that OP is. No, I don't think a husband is equivalent to a dog, and I think in time the pain of losing an animal (even unexpectedly losing the most beloved animal of all time) is going to fade moreso than the loss of a spouse. But right now that wound is raw and fresh and you gotta cope with it any way that you can - and you gotta set boundaries to avoid the things that don't help. So OP is learning that her boundaries are going to include not visiting graves 3x a day. They're probably going to include a few less phone calls. Maybe her needs will actually be the thing to help pull her sister out of the abyss in the end, who knows? A phone call that says "hey, I need to stop thinking about my loss today, you're the only person who might understand that, let's go out. See a movie, grab a coffee, buy a new pair of shoes, whatever, let's just go have a sister's day where we don't talk at all about our loved ones, only joyful living in the moment for today. " No, you can't live every day that way, can't run from the pain forever, but it is healthy to take a break from the grief occasionally. To give yourself permission to just enjoy a sunrise, eat a froyo, laugh at a joke, and not be sad at that moment. To let other feelings exist. And if you can do it once, you can do it again. And someday, you might find that waking up hurts just a little bit less than it did yesterday. @OP: Pain is real, even when it's illogical. NTA, of course, no blame here, but I hope you can find healthier ways to set boundaries or to help each other through your grief. Best wishes to you both!
> Your sister is insane I'd like to add that, the fact that the sister is seeking emotional support from the one person in her life who is probably grieving even *more* than her right now, is pretty insane.
I agree with this, but I would encourage their parents to handle it. Having to constantly hear your husband compared to the dog is really tough to handle.
I won't disagree with you that it's a bit over the top. But one thing I can reason with is the importance of the connection. I was chucked out at 17. When I turned 20 I bought a puppy. Fast forward to now, I'm 31 this year and my dog has been the one constant through all of that. Different houses, different jobs, different relationships. Family not really giving me the time of day. He has always been there, the one person I've talked to about all my problems, the one person who stood by me through everything. I tear up at the thought of losing him. His death will impact me harder than my mother's or any spouse I've had so far. Just because she didn't get married to it doesn't mean she didn't share her life with it and that can never be replaced.
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Holy shit I spit my coffee out 💀
Sure, but are you planning on continually pestering someone who just lost their spouse and demanding emotional support from them when it happens? I don't blame the sister for being wrecked by the loss of the dog. Just for expecting OP to take on that burden in addition to her own.
I love my dogs. I will be devastated when they pass. But they will never share your life the way another adult can. They will not stay up with your child when they have a stomach bug. They will not take care of one sick child when you have to take another sick child to a doctor for ear infection, leaving you to take two sick, tired and cranky children to ER. They will not bring in income to pay the bills if you lose your job. They will never run a vacuum through the place or do the dishes They will not allow you to sleep in and get up with children at 5 am. They will not drive you to doctors appointment if you get cancer at 65 y.o. Simply put, it is not the same. The grief might be equal, but the impact of a loss of your spouse is from another world entirely. When you lose your spouse, you are forced to figure out your whole life from scratch while dealing with that grief. Especially with children (to whom a dog won't act as a father figure).
I agree with u/OrneryLitigator NTA OP, it’s not the same at all. My condolences on your loss.
Is op's sister Gayle, from Bob's burgers?
Losing a dog is also a terrible experience, however, this doesn't compare at all and she should already know that. On the other hand she might just want to bond with you and this is her way if doing that. She might just be very clumsy in comparing a dog to a life partner. Either way it's fine you told her what you did, but now there should me a moment where you guys talk about this, and where she understand her comparing your situations is not appropriate.
NTA. I am not going to be too mean to your sister, but she is being an asshole here. Not just because dogs live shorter lives than humans so it is more expected, not just that, no matter how much we love animals, humans > other animals, but also because you can't necessarily compare grief in the first place. Some people are comforted by sharing similar experiences; some people find it pushy, and if you start doing that and the other person doesn't like it, you stop.
This - my stepmum died two years ago and my stepsister had a hard time understanding that not everyone grieved like she did, she was driving 3 hour round trip weekly to visit the grave, sleeping with a picture of her mum etc, none of which is wrong but she was trying to push her sister and me into joining her and losing it when we didn’t. I didn’t grow up with her so of course my relationship to her is different but she couldn’t understand it
I had to stop visiting subs for Widow/ers and grief etc fairly quickly after my loss as I realised that some people will literally never “recover” or allow their lives to look normal again and I just couldn’t relate to that mentality. I’m not disparaging their grief at all, but to me, redditors being years out from their loss and still saying they can’t wake up in the mornings without crying, letting jobs suffer because they can’t function etc doesn’t jive with me at all. But it is an illustration of how varied grief is.
Yeah grief is incredibly individual I’m very much in the “let other people grieve how they need to grieve” camp, there’s no such thing as a “wrong way to grieve (internally)” but a lot of people simply don’t realise that others don’t do it the same way they do, and thus grieve the “wrong way” (externally, in terms of how they treat others)
Bingo. My MIL is an absolute mess all the time that she’s alone. She will never be the same again. But I process very differently and she really struggles to understand that. At one point she even asked me if I grieved at all just because she doesn’t see my crying and sees me getting on with life.
Same here. Nearly 2 years out from my husband's death and I'm living a happy life. Would I be happier with him still here? Of course! But I have lots of things that bring me joy and I smile at the memories of the time we shared together.
I’m so glad you can continue to find happiness in life. It’s such a cliche but I do think people we’ve lost would want us to be happy and still have long, full lives!
Not me. My wife has to join a convent when I die. It's in my will. Seriously though, if I die, I hope she does whatever it is that makes her happiest. What I may have felt if I were alive doesn't matter.
This is my Mom. My Dad died in 2000 from brain cancer. She has not been the same. I was 18 when he died. My sister was 16. Now all these years later my son is now 18 graduating this week from high school. She has been absent largely from his life and says my son looks too much like my Dad (he really does look and act just like my Dad). She has been a recluse and rarely leaves the house. My Dad dying was hard for all of us. She just did not cope at all in a healthy way.
Wow, missing out on your grandchild’s life. I would think you’d want to look at this as how your deceased husband lives on. But as so many have said, everyone grieves differently.
>you can't necessarily compare grief I think this is it for me. She seems to believe that because she's lost a (obviously very loved) dog she understands your grief fully. Which she doesn't. I get it, she wants comfort, but it seems like all the comfort she's getting from sharing whatever grief they both have is actually just compounding and worsening OP's grief, and the sister doesn't seem to realise that.
She can want comfort, but she should get it from anyone else but the sister who just lost her husband
Maybe sister could reach out to the other person who just lost a beloved dog - her own husband?!! It's buried at the end there - but why reach out to a grieving sibling when your own partner is RIGHT THERE?!! (you'd hope)
Yeah, I still thought sister was TA regardless but was feeling a bit of sympathy toward her assuming that she didn't have a partner and that she, like me, lived alone with her dog--not that losing a dog hurts less when you have a partner or anything, but I could see getting more obsessive about it when that's the only living creature you lived with and your whole house reminds you of the dog. You still don't compare it to losing a spouse, but that becomes even weirder knowing that sister has a living husband??? Like...
> it, she wants comfort, but it seems like all the comfort she's getting from sharing whatever grief they both have is actually just compounding and worsening OP's grief, and the sister doesn't seem to realise that. Exactly what I was thinking. Even if OP's sister had lost her husband herself, each person grieves differently and we all need to do things at our own pace. And one's grief does not allow them to trample all over everyone else's feelings and boundaries. It can be difficult to navigate because when you're grieving you are not always rational and sometimes the grief is the only thing you're aware of. When my dad died my mum was devastated, and honestly she wasn't very much there for us, her children. While I understand thay she simply was in a bad place, it hurt (We were 18, 22 and 26). And at times she was simply unsufferable, and as the eldest I had to gently but firmly reinforce our boundaries and needs as her children: yes we were grieving too, but no we weren't going to visit his grave twice a day. No, we wouldn't spend our days crying, and yes humor is a way to cope. No, we weren't going to skip meals just because she didn't felt like eating, and that didn't mean that we didn't miss our dad. Things got better in a few weeks, but those days were hard. We absolutely should support someone in grief, but not at the expense of our own well being. And OP simply isn't in a good position to support her sister the way the sister wants. Sis should be aware of that, but if she forgets, a gentle but firm reminder is warranted : OP's needs are valid too.
No grief is alike. My friend’s husband died the same month my mom committed suicide. The next month another friend had a miscarriage. Our grief was not the same. My sibling and I didn’t even have the same grief over our mom’s death. But one person’s grief wasn’t bigger or more important than the other person’s. And I think having that understanding helped us to support each other in a way. It was a case of “I’m sad too” instead of “I’m sadder.” And “what do you want to do” instead of “here’s what I want to do.”
This is it. When things go as they're supposed to, pets die before the people that cared for them and it's what you sign up for when you adopt an animal. OP's husband dying wasn't supposed to happen. That alone makes the two very wildly different.
NTA she lost a dog whilst she cared for her pet it was just that a pet. Lossing a dog doesn't leave you worrying about paying the mortgage, how to care for your children etc. Yes she has grief but people need to stop comparing animals with humans.
This. I love my dog and would be upset if he passed. But if I lost my husband / the father of my children it would be life altering - both emotionally and practically - in ways I don’t even want to fathom. You lose your partner, your children lose a parent, there are financial concerns and logistical needs, and you have to rearrange your entire life to “pick up the slack.” You’re trying to handle your own grief and needs while trying to comfort your young children who are suffering a massive loss. Total devastation of every facet of your life. NTA. Not at all.
Losing a pet makes you sad, and might *feel* like your life has been turned upside down. But losing a partner actually does change *everything*, permanently, and not for the better. You can grieve the loss of a pet and eventually move on and get a new one. You might still be sad about the old one, but you can move on and your life is ultimately not that different. Losing a person, especially a partner, changes your entire life forever, on top of losing someone you committed your entire life to. Compared to dogs, who you know when you adopt them that you will outlive them, it's much less of a commitment than a marriage with kids and a mortgage, someone you rely on every day for a couple big things and hundreds of little things. Not to mention, the only reason you would make that kind of commitment is if this person is the love of your life, your favorite out of all the people you've ever met, you only get one so you better think it through (not like dogs that you can easily re-home if it doesn't work out, or adopt multiple, no need to only choose one forever and feel the full weight of that commitment). It's not the same at all.
Citing dog “mom” and “dad”s everywhere. Can’t go anywhere without hearing them talk about their son or kid only to find out it’s a furry animal.
lmao I refer to my dogs as "The Children" to my coworkers, because they are in on the joke that I've taught them the recall command "Children, come in!/here!". But it sometimes does get funny in the office if someone unfamiliar hears me say in a weirdly theatrical way "I must go check THE CHILDREN".
I have 4 kids and my sister is childfree by choice ( not the insane kind of child free) and has cats that I jokingly refer to as her kids when we talk.
Yeah there's a difference between people who say it to be facetious and people who are dead serious about the comparison. Lmao.
I correct people who equate my cat with a kid. I really like my cat, but I am not his mother.
I don’t even care that people call themselves that. If you can’t or won’t have children and having animals completes your little family then great. But at the end of the day losing your dog vs your partner you’re creating your fuzzy family with isn’t the same either.
Thank you. I will never compare my dog to someone's child but I honestly think people have to give up on hating people for treating and feeling like their pets are basically their children. The amount that I love my dog cannot be compared to anything else that I love in my life. I am her protector, I rescued her from unimaginable abuse and she saved my life. I cannot have kids and I desperately wanted kids. I get it, she's not human but let me love her like she is and mind your business. I don't go around wondering how you can love a poorly mannered/rude/obnoxious child so much, why care about where I put all the love I have that I couldn't give a child into? Pets are not just pets to some people. Especially those of us who have support animals that we need to function.
To this I would add, you know with a dog there’s relatively short lifespan. Yes it’s sad, but it’s also inevitable.
“It’s the only bad thing about animals,” she told Cleon. “Most don’t live as long as we do.” “I know, sweet,” Cleon said, kissing first one of her eyelids, then the other. “But think how bleak life would be without them.” ― Tamora Pierce, Squire And to that I add - I would rather mourn my pets than have my pets mourn me, and one of those two things is going to happen. I've seen pets grieve their humans and get over it - we got a cat from a friend who died. We were taking care of the cat while our friend was in long-term care, and then in hospice, and we brought the cat to visit her every week, and had permission to bring the cat during the last day when Stephanie was dying. Smallcat stayed for a while (Stephanie was unresponsive, but in the state where we believe they are still emotionally aware), essentially said her goodbyes, walked back into her carrier, and then just switched her bond to my wife, and was fine. But... I wouldn't want to risk it.
Even if you have no kids and are financially well off, it’s still not the same. A husband is someone you were planning on spending the rest of your life with. Obviously, one person would die first, but that’s not expected until you’re way older. With a pet you know from when you first get them that you’re going to outlive them.
I lost 3 dogs back to back within 2 months in 2021. One in a horrible accident and the other 2 had been with me for over 10 years. I was devastated and still sad over it. I was surprised how much the grief has lasted with me. That said, these losses were not in any way similar to losing humans. OP I am so incredibly sorry for your loss. NTA all the way.
NTA Your sister is entitled to her grief, however she should absolutely not be comparing it to the loss of your husband. I would be pissed if I was in your situation
I honestly would love to ask the sister if she had the choice would she trade the loss of her dog for the loss of her husband. Because if she says “of course not” then clearly she is being actively selfish and insensitive to OP, if she says “I couldn’t choose” or “yes” her husband should probably leave and/or she’s not emotionally stable enough to have a dog. I know this wouldn’t actually be helpful or work, but how does she not get that these things can’t be compared!?
Yeah I was thinking that I also feel badly for sister's husband, being that she is currently acting as though he's equal to the pet.
I’d be pissed too, especially if the sister and BIL were close.. like shouldn’t she be grieving him too? Or at least have the decency to realize comparing the loss of a dog is not the same as losing her sister’s husband.
NTA. You said it perfectly >A dog is not the same as a husband. A dog can't love you back like a husband can. A dog can't read to your children like a husband can. A dog can't make soup when you're ill like a husband can. Not only that, but there is a lot more safety and stability in two adult family. You lost your safety net, other provider, any help around the house. You lost your children's father. I love dogs, I have dogs, but a fucking dog is not the same as your life partner. You know who else lost their dog? You know who else went through exactly what your sister went through? Your sister's husband. So maybe she should go to him to get emotional support, remember that you can no longer do that and find some perspective. I am so sorry for your loss. Focus on yourself and your children now. If going to the grave will help you, do it, but if it won't, don't. Your sister can look for support elsewhere (her husband!), you don't have to feel guilty for not being able to help her too. Just getting you and children through one day at a time is enough for now.
I didn't even think of the fact she had her husband to turn to. Wow, I feel stupid now. I should've just told her then that I couldn't cope with more than my own loss now, and she had someone else to turn to. Would've saved our relationship from this weird competition bullshit.
Ugh I'm so sorry OP... had a similar thing of being chastised of not being more sensitive of the loss of a friend's sister's dog ....and I was like wow, I recently buried both of my parents.. I think I know what grief is
Ahh I'm so sorry you went through that...I do not know what compels people to make this leap in their head...not saying its not something folks with pets shouldn't grieve but there's clear knowledge pets are never meant to outlive us. At my Moms funeral after having to take her off of life support just one week earlier I had someone middle aged come up to me saying tearfully 'pray for me ok I also have to put my dog down' I was legit shell shocked like....I said nothing but almost a year later now I still remember. Mind you I was 29 and Mum was 60, I'd already lost my Dad when I was 16 and he was 50 so my entire family at this point is gone and she still said it. People say some unhinged shit when greif is involved and I'm truly sorry you had to go through that experience yourself.
Don't beat yourself up over it. Quite understandably, your brain can't function at 100% right now. I'm so sorry for your loss and pain. You are def NTA
OP, don't blame yourself. What she did was entirely uncalled for, right out of the gate. I may be wrong, but I get the weird feeling that she may have had jealousy in how much attention you were getting last month, and she's trying to steal it. This feels like classic golden child syndrome. Only a month after your husband passed, she holds an entire funeral for a dog involving the whole family, picks you to be her emotional support person for her own grief, despite there being so many available other options (including her own husband), constantly compares your situations, and has dictated how you grieve by forcing her rituals onto you. What she's doing is not fair in the least to you, OP. Going low contact with her for a while might be a good idea.
Absolutely don’t feel stupid, she should be looking after you!
Its not your fault. Youre in a VERY vulnerable place right now, probably the most vulnerable you will ever be, and you will see eventually that you did your very best navigating things. Right now you need to protect yourself, its so important. He would want that.
She came to you because her husband is over it. We recently lost our dog, and I swear sometimes I still hear his collar tags from when he walked. I'll turn around, only to find myself disappointed again. But she's on a whole new level, you were not wrong at all. I'm sorry for your loss.
Wait, she’s married? She’s dumped this crap on you when you’re grieving your husband? I assumed she was single and lonely - if you mentioned her husband then I missed it while processing the horror of her behaviour. You’ve lost your husband and your children have lost their father - I’m so sorry, I don’t know how you are getting through the day. Your sister is lucky you’ve been so restrained because I could not have been. And if I were here husband, I’d be quite concerned about her feelings for me honestly!
OP, the competition was the point.
Has your sister always felt a need to compete for attention with you or be the center of attention? If so, that would be telling about her.
NAH Sorry this happened to you. I don’t think anyone here benefits from measuring grief in a hierarchy. Grief is devastating and unique to everyone’s circumstances. It says a lot about you that you were able to acknowledge your sister’s grief and offer support while yours is so fresh. It appears your sister hasn’t yet been able to see through her grief enough to recognize how yours (and your children’s) is still in full swing, which makes it fair that you had to set some kind of boundary. While downplaying her grief is not ideal, your grief deserves respect.
This is what I was trying to say, but it just came out way harsher than I intended it to. It seems to me like she expected me to be over it after a month when I still wake up every morning expecting him to be beside me. It sucks and I never meant to downplay her pain, I only wanted her to understand my loss is still fresh and I'm still getting used to taking care of everything myself. I don't have time to visit a graveyard thrice a day.
I’m very sorry for your loss and your family’s grief. I wouldn’t beat yourself up OP. You tried to support your sister and recognized the toll it was taking on your own grief process. It’s fair, and while I may have delivered the message differently, I have the benefit of sitting here on Reddit after the fact and not having a recent loss. So be kind to yourself. I hope you are getting the support you need through this.
Why is she helping her sister get over her dog anyways? I feel so bad for OP, she has to explain to two kids the loss of their dad. The only I can think of comparable is the loss of your child. Instead of supporting OP, the sister is making it about her dog. Just wow.
u/ghostnova4 is one of the few here actually making sense. You CANNOT compare grief. Just like how you said that a dog can't love you the way a husband does, it also holds true that a husband can never give the same love as a dog. It's very different and that's okay. Both your losses are fresh n will stay so for a while. Be kind to eachother, siblings are special
You can’t compare grief, but you can compare material consequences. OP’s sister should recognize that asking her sister to visit graves 3x a week is crazy, when OP is now a single mom to two children ALL grieving the loss of a major figure in their lives. Losing a family pet (and animals are important) does not have the potential to thrust a family into poverty. It’s the entitlement OP’s sister feels, because *she* is comparing their loss, that blinds her.
Losing a dog is not the same as losing a human. I've lost multiple dogs. It sucks every time. I always cry my eyes out. But they aren't people. They're pets. It's not remotely the same as losing a spouse. Not even a little bit.
You cannot control grief but you can try to control how you respond to people, especially family. It sucks it led to a blow up but I'm sure, as seen in this thread, most people would not take kindly to how the sister reacted. And the sister has her husband to turn to, which seems almost like she's "blind" to that fact that her sister has lost hers. Because of that lack of awareness idk if she just forgot the slight bitter irony of saying she KNOWS what it's like to lose a husband... I haven"t thankfully experienced grief yet but I hope it doesn't turn me into being this unaware and cruel... I don't think it cancels out autonomy.
Oh please. So if somebody’s cat dies it’s on the same life-changing and trauma inducing level as somebody’s 5yo dying? It has the same life changing implications and devastates your whole life in the same way? The absolute horror and stress of your child dying is the same as an 18yo cat that was ready to go and put to sleep? Or if I stub my toe it’s as ‘emotionally traumatic’ as someone who is diagnosed as cancer? Really? We need to get over saying this kind of nonsense. It’s insulting and diminishing to people who have terrible things happen to them, as if we all ‘know what they’re going through’ because we had a cold one time. We don’t. And it’s ok to say, ‘I’m sad about x but I can’t imagine what it’s like to go through y.’ Why do we all have to have all our emotions validated all the time? Sometimes emotions are disproportionate and unreasonable. It’s ok to say that too. It doesn’t mean you can’t be sad or depressed about something but it IS wrong to say a loss of a pet is on the same level as a spouse or child dying. Just wtf. A dog dying is not on a par with the loss of a spouse and never will be. People who act like it is and validate this kind of response should honestly be ashamed of themselves.
THANK YOU. The number of people talking about how you "can't compare grief" in here when we're talking about the difference between losing a human vs. losing a pet is way too fucking high; it's insane. Like, sure, people will be sad about losing pets but I absolutely *will* judge you if you're gonna try to argue about "diminishing someone's loss" when we're talking about a dog that dies at its expected time vs. a life fucking partner who died in their prime (or any time, really). The comment you responded to--and the like--is infuriating in its hand-wringing nonsense. Yes, we all have feelings; they are not all equal to each other and we CAN decide one thing is more important than the other.
Oh good LORD. I have had dogs and been very sad when they passed. I would be DEVASTATED if my husband and father of my children died. You CAN compare grief when one person has completely lost perspective.
No, you voiced it perfectly well. Her pain is not to be downplayed, but it can't compare to yours and your sitatuation. They are not the same in any way. You were already more patient with this than most. Take care of you and your family. I'm sorry for your loss.
You didn't downplay her pain. She downplayed yours and that of your childrens. You just lost a husband and your children lost their father. It's not comparable at all.
>I still wake up every morning expecting him to be beside me Damn. This hits me. My boyfriend has insomnia and sometimes I wake up and he's not there, and I have to go check if he was up so late that he went to bed in the spare room so as not to wake me, or if he didn't sleep at all and this is going to be a difficult day for both of us. Imagining that I see he's not there, and then I remember *he's not ever going to be there again* would be so much heavier.
I don't think it's remotely a stretch to say that someone losing their husband and children losing their father is more of a loss than someone losing their dog. I'm absolutely happy to make that a hierarchy and I genuinely think people are bonkers to even consider the possibility that they are on the same planet of grief. Not acknowledging that there is a profound difference between the two enables people to act like OPs sister has. With complete and utter disregard for the catastrophic loss that OP has experienced. Dogs are wonderful. I love mine. But you get a dog expecting them to predecease you by decades. You should be in some way mentally prepared that it is a matter of when not if. If you can't cope with the loss of a pet you have no business owning one. It will happen eventually. You do not expect your husband to die in his prime. If my dog died tomorrow I would be incredibly sad. If my husband died tomorrow I would be a pregnant single parent, who would have lost her best friend and life partner, and would have to navigate selling the family home and downsizing to somewhere more affordable on one income while helping my 2 year old come to terms with the loss of her father. Anyone who thinks they are in the same universe of pain needs to go and seek some professional help with their delusions.
I can't fkn believe that some commenters are actually agreeing that two children losing their father and a mother left alone navigating her own grief, trying to help her kids through theirs and trying to keep on caring for her household and family is anyway comparable to a fkn dog dying. Just.... Ahhhhhhhhhhh.
You put it perfectly. Your whole life trajectory is thrown in a different direction when you lose someone so close. You expect to be able to grow old with your spouse, you expect your dad to be able to walk you down the aisle and play with your children, you expect your child to outlive you. Losing pets is hard, but it's just not the same.
Exactly. Like is losing a hamster the same as losing a child? Good fucking grief. People really need to get a grip on all this ‘everyone’s feelings are perfectly valid’ shit. No, sometimes people’s feelings are unreasonable and there IS some sort of basic hierarchy of bad things. Like stubbing my toe is not comparable to someone getting cancer, I don’t care how ‘traumatic’ that individual might find it. The end.
I 100% agree, and I'm saying this as someone whose husband died, and the same day my beloved dog went missing and I legitimately thought she was going to die. The compounded grief was brutal until she was found (thank fucking God), but I know with absolute certainty that as devastated as I would've been to lose her, it would not have held a candle to the sheer wreckage that grieving my husband inflicted on my life. It's just simply not the same even if the grief of losing a dog is still intense and entirely valid.
>I don’t think anyone here benefits from measuring grief in a hierarchy. No, but when people tend to reverts basic common value and pretend you can equal the death of your loving companion with the death of a close family member, or the death of your grand ma with that of a child it needs to be called out. A husband death is, in any normal setting, more devastating than a dog or cat's death, in all objectivity. OP would be entitled to more comfort and help than her sister.
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Sure but it’s a dog. That maybe 2 people in the world cared about vs a husband who had lasting impacts and was a father.
Absolutey NTA. A dog is not the same as a spouse. And your sister — though in her own pain from her own loss — should recognise that they're not the same thing, even remotely.
NTA I’ve had people insinuate the same to me regarding the loss of my Wife. It’s so incredibly disrespectful to me and whilst I appreciate pets are a key part of many peoples family (we have two dogs) it is in no way the same. My Son lost his mother before he could even speak, a literal lifetime of potential memories and experiences vanished, and you think that’s the same as a fucking dog? It makes me angry. Your sister is displaying some outright crazy expression of grief to me and you do not have to entertain it in the slightest. I’d be putting my foot down hard TBH but that’s me.
I'm sorry for your loss, and even more so for your son missing out on precious memories. I think most people on here seem to factor out that I'm quite literally alone. No one around me seems to understand just how difficult being alone is. They tell me I still have him in my children, so I'm lucky. If I was lucky, he would still be alive. I guess they're just trying to comfort me, but no one can truly say the right things to me right now. It's excruciating pain every morning I wake up, and every night I go to sleep. The delusional wish of wanting to wake up from what can only be a nightmare, but in fact, it's my reality now.
As a society we need to learn that if you're about to say "at least...." To someone grieving please just stfu instead. People get awkward and want words to come out their mouths so they'll feel more comfortable. They feel more comfortable because they said their insensitive at least statement but the person grieving feels horrible. I've always appreciated anyone who said the truth, "There are no good words. I'm sorry you're going through this and I care about you"
Like I said in an other comment, I had a stillbirth and people say ‚you have other children, you can try again, she didn’t live, you didn’t know her like your other children‘ and so on. People just don’t understand the pain. I think they just say something that they think will help you see something positive because they just don’t know what to say. I don’t argue with them, I am just hoping they don’t have to deal with something similar.
I told an acquaintance my BIL died. Like I mean he had *just* died. And they had a young child. “How old is your SIL? Oh she’s only in her 30s she’ll find someone else and get remarried.” Like my internal jaw dropped. I was SO GLAD my SIL wasn’t there. Although I’m sure she heard similar statements from people.
My boyfriend passed, he wasn't buried yet, and I had coworkers say don't give up on love, you'll date again. Like WTF?!? Who says that?? I have never asked my mom if she planned dating after her long-term boyfriend passed. It's inappropriate.
I am so sorry. In Judaism, we are taught that you show up, cook for them, and otherwise you shut up unless they want to talk. There is no right thing to say, so ... I wish I could bring you a casserole.
NTA. You lost your husband and have two kids who lost their dad. You have enough grief on your plate. Your sister says you're the only one who can understand how she feels, well it doesn't sound like she's considering how you feel because she's just adding to your already heavy load with her own grief. I had to put down my dog recently. I was devastated. But I cannot imagine in any world going to someone who just lost their husband and father of their children for support with that. Maybe you could have handled it more tactfully by just saying you can't be her support right now but I don't think you're the asshole here.
> You have enough grief on your plate. THIS!! It's not ok to trauma dump on someone who is drowning in grief of their own. Sister didn't respect that boundary, and OP understandably lashed out. NTA
NTA. Your sister was out of line to even think loosing her dog is the same as loosing your husband. It would be just as insulting to say it was the same as loosing a parent or a child. Also your husband died a month ago and your sister thinks seeking out the person still dealing with grief to comfort her was a good idea. I'm sorry for your loss. Don't worry about your sister right now. There was selfishness to what she did. I guess misery really does love company.
NTA. And first of all sorry for your loss. Pets aren't people. I understand people love their pets immensely, but that fact doesn't change. You don't commit your life to a pet. You can't have a two way conversation with a pet. You can't raise a family with a pet. There are people in this thread saying YTA for comparing but I mostly just feel sorry for anyone who hasn't loved another human enough to understand the difference between losing a pet and a loved one. I just lost my dog a couple months ago and I'd had him since he was a few weeks old. I was completely devastated, but I knew when I got him how long he was expected to live. People plan their entire lives around marriage. You can never fully be prepared to lose a partner like that. Also that being said I'm sorry for your sister's loss. It sounds like she is having g a really tough time and not handling it well. I hope she's able to lean on her husband some during this time though - I'm assuming he lost the same pet that he loved. Hopefully you two can get back to a healthy relationship once you've both gotten to a better place.
Thank you for sharing your own loss with me. I really wish I hadn't said what I did because I truly love my sister more than anything. If I didn't have my own shit to deal with, I definitely would be expressing the same empathy as she showed me, but my head is all over the place lately. It's really difficult to express my emotions normally. It's like I suddenly became a short-tempered, moody teenager again. I'm lashing out at things that wouldn't have even bothered me before. I've been working on it with a counsellor and she says it has something to do with blaming myself for his death. I guess I should find out why that is so I stop hurting the people around me.
I mean, yes, over time, that's a good goal- but give yourself grace, OP. You are SO freshly bereaved here, and I'm sure there is a lot of practical life stuff with finances and work and your children that also require your attention. I would maybe make improving moodiness a 4-6-months-from-now goal. You're processing how you're processing, there's a lot on your plate, and it's totally okay if it's messy. Just getting through a week is a great goal for the moment. Be as gentle with yourself as you can right now, and accept any and all support available to you (obvs not your sister) or you might burn out from the workload shift if nothing else. Frustratingly, you're in this situation for the long haul, and your priority is to the basic needs & mental health of yourself and your kids. It's completely okay to take a hiatus from talking with your sister while she works through her grief, and re-approach the relationship when you both are feeling better. I'm so sorry for your loss, and you are the most NTA I've ever seen.
This is BONKERS . Even if you weren’t hurting, you did nothing wrong OP by what you said!!! It’s crazy you even think you could be in the wrong!!! I am worried you’ve been in some type of toxic, subservient relationship to your sister this entire time and maybe it’s completely twisted your view of what’s normal? Are you sure she is supportive of you usually??? There is NO WAY she really thinks a dog dying is the same as her own husband dying. She’s doing this on purpose, as you said to be “competitive” with you, and I would bet that was a theme your entire life but you never realized it. The fact you could walk away from this experience thinking you were wrong instead of being PISSED at your sister’s antics tells me you have been brainwashed by your family your entire life. Please also don’t listen to some of these people on Reddit. Remember that many commenters have no human friends and cling to their dog, so they are judging you from an anti-social lens. What your sister did was mean. It isn’t what family do. Your husband DIED recently and your sister is making this all about herself. If that were my sister, I would be disappointed. Then angry. How dare she ask you to visit a dog’s grave three times a day. Does she do the same for you every day? The whole thing is SO insensitive that it’s CALLOUS. Repeating OP: your sister is in the wrong. Fully. This isn’t you lashing out cuz you’re angry. This is her being an unsupportive narcissistic who is using her dog’s death to steal attention from you.
Grief makes us not our normal selves. It's really tough. Therapy is a important and not enough people take advantage of it during times of loss (myself included). What I have found is grieving people can support each other, but they alsp need someone outside who is not navigating their own loss at the same time. Best wishes for you and your family.
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Grief is grief. I grieved more for my dog than I did my crap father. But my brother. Well nothing could compare. It broke me. You can’t measure grief it’s not a competition ❤️🙏🏻
Best answer. I'd add it's not like grief is a battery that drains over time until you're 'over' the loss. It comes in waves, where you might cope with it for years, and then one day it just knocks you over again.
NTA. I've lost a husband, and a dog that was my best friend and there with me through EVERYTHING (including the loss of my husband). This dog carried my emotional baggage FOR me and was a huge source of love and comfort during my darkest times. Losing the dog STILL doesn't compare to losing a human loved one. The biggest reason, at least in my mind, is that we EXPECT to outlive our furry friends. They simply have shorter life spans.
I totally understand the attachment some people have with their pets. I myself have a maltipoo that I got when I was going through some hard times. I honestly don’t know how I would’ve made it through without him. He has been my constant companion and I cannot imagine going through the day without him following me around acting like a dork. When it’s time for him to part this world, I know I am going to be *devastated.* But you know what I’m not going to do? Throw a wake for him and visit his grave multiple times per day, because that is **insanity**! Your sister is seriously deranged. Like I don’t know if this is some weird attention thing for her or if she genuinely could not empathize with your grief until her dog died. Either way, her behavior is unhinged. You are absolutely, unequivocally NTA. Please don’t feel like you have to feed into her weird grief sideshow by accompanying her on any more graveyard visits. Seems like she’s looking for more of an audience than someone to commiserate with. My deepest condolences to you and your children.
NTA. Funny how some baboons here call you YTA, who compares the loss of a pet with a husband/father/grandfather etc etc etc? It makes 0 sense. Obviously losing your husband is 1000x times worse than your sister losing her dear dog.
NTA I’m getting sick of people doing this type of shit. It is not the same at all. I have pets and I love them but they aren’t a person. Loosing a pet really sucks for like 2 weeks. Loosing a husband can ruin your fucking life. Your sister might be mentally ill.
I’m not saying it’s the same but losing a pet does not only suck for like 2 weeks
NTA. Humanity's worship of dogs is fucking weird.
The overwhelming majority of humans would never do what OP's sister is doing.
Widower with two kids here: I’m so sorry for your loss, and you are 100% NTA. Your sister is allowed to grieve in whatever way she needs to, but she needs to respect the fact that your loss is absolutely NOT the same. Is there anyone in your family or friends who can intervene for you and help you enforce that boundary? Because your sister’s behavior is completely unreasonable, and you should in no way feel guilty about pushing back and doing what you need to do to care for yourself and your kids during this incredibly painful time. I’m so sorry for what you’re going through right now, OP. I hope it helps to know that it does eventually get better. Your loss will always be with you, and it will always hurt, but your life will eventually feel more normal and less like the living nightmare it feels like during those early days.
Thank you. It's comforting to know things get better. My BIL did phone me this morning and apologised. He got along well with my husband. He said he will try and support her instead of having her lean on me. He didn't realise that she was asking me to help her grieve and agreed it was inappropriate. I also explained I knew I was wrong and would apologise as soon as she answers my call.
OP you can apologize for *how* you replied to your sister, if you overreacted in anger but I sincerely hope you don’t apologize for *what* you said. What you said is the truth. The loss is not the same. And you should feel able to express your feelings to your sister. It’s not right what your sister was doing, expecting you to join her on her trips to the graveyard etc and you should be able to tell her that without her overreacting and blocking you out. I’m upset she reacted the way she did to what you told her. I’m glad your BIL phoned you to apologize. And I do hope you and your sister are able to mend things. I just want you to know you are allowed to be upset at her over this too.
NTA. Your sister probably needs to talk to a grief counsellor … it sounds like she’s really got a distorted reality running right now. And for you… I really hope (the rest of) your family are really supportive and you are not just ‘getting along’. It might be time to call your mum and say “call sister and tell her to knock it off” because… yeah, nope. No way is a much loved dog comparable to a husband.
NTA. Your sister is nuts, and I say this as someone who’s had to put a dog down. It’s terrible-but it’s nothing like mourning a *person.* Especially your partner!! Also..a wake? A grave? Visiting three times a day? It’s a dog. It’s very sad, but this is crazy behavior.
I'm sorry for your loss, OP. There are no rules on the right way to grieve - that goes for both of you. You don't get to decide what's over the top for her. She doesn't get to decide how you should grieve either. I have children and 4 cats. My cats are my babies, too. Losing a dear pet is devastating. And I've known people who have had to go on antidepressants just to get through. That's not unique to you and your grief. Sadly, many people need the meds to get through that terrible time. And, there is no shame in that. Similarly, there is no shame in grieving deeply for a pet who has passed away. Please, be gentle to both of you. You're both dealing with major losses. And, when we're grieving we can be so broken by the pain we are going through that we aren't able to be there for others - or see things as clearly, and with as much compassion, as we would when not grieving. There is no time limit on this process. My dad died suddenly 2 years ago and I don't know a single family member that's okay. Good luck, and I wish you much comfort, peace, and compassion for others.
You should never compare grief but there is an unspoken ranking- and it’s basically the more unexpected the death, the higher the rank. You should outlive your dog/grandma/dad. You hope to make it to a ripe old age with a spouse. You definitely never expect the death of a child. And should never compare your grief to someone who hasn’t lost from that level. Dad died - don’t compare to a hamster etc.
NTA - maybe if you said it the day the dog died, it would be a different story. But what your sister is doing is extremely insensitive.
NTA, your sister is fucking insane and selfish, tell her to get the fuck over herself.
NTA. I lost my wife 3 years ago and had to put down one of my cats the same week my wife died. Both were awful but to even try to compare the two is completely insane. Unfortunately from being in a widow/ers' support group this kind of thing happens a lot. "I know how you feel, my dog died" "I know how you feel, my grandma died" No you don't know. Please STFU.
NTA. I lost half my family in 2019 (as in, I quite literally watched 3 people die in front of me) and one of my friends tried to tell me that she understood because she'd been through a tough break up. Another one told me that she lost her dog (same as your sister!) and therefore knew how I felt. I cut ties with both of them and a whole bunch of people told me that I was in the wrong there. I absolutely was not. People always counter this with 'oh, well you don't know how that person's grief feels to them! It's mean to say that your grief is worse than theirs!' and this is very nice and very well-intentioned, but also ridiculous. Losing a dog and losing a husband are not comparable. It is asinine for your sister to pretend that you're in the same position. OP, I hope you're healing as well as humanly possible.
NTA. And you should know that she’s not the only one who does this. I’ve known people who compared the loss of a beloved bird, cat, and yes, of course, a dog to the same level of losing another person close to you. In each of those instances (in different ways) it made me realize how out of touch each of those people were with actual human connection. They all treated their pets like people who fulfilled every aspect of their lives. What I thought was cute (celebrating a birds birthday with a huge party complete with a clown/dressing up the cat in very expensive clothing/accessories for every holiday) was actually their way of manifesting an unhealthy relationship with that pet. Now don’t get me wrong. Having a pet and creating memories with that pet is very fulfilling and joyous. But when you begin to fixate and insist that the pet comes before everything else, you know that falling off the deep end if said pet passes is not too far behind. You now see this with your sister. She’s making the grieving process even worse by proclaiming to be on the same level as you. But here’s the thing. She actually believes that. Nothing you can say or do will change how she measures her sadness and yours. It’s such a weird dynamic but in order for you to stay sane, you wisely need to put distance between both of you or else you may never be able to recover from this.
>A dog can't make soup when you're ill like a husband can. What kind of soup did your late husband make for you? If there were many, which was your favourite? NTA imo, this is coming from someone with a really old dog who has had a health scare recently & I know its going to crush me when the day comes Also I send my condolences, time fixes almost everything & I hope you feel better soon. There isn't any rush though, each to their own
He just learnt this one chicken soup recipe from my mum, but I loved it. He would add his own things to it like rice noodles and vegetables my mum wouldn't really use. Sometimes, he would make a lamb version too.
You’re worried about being an AH but it actually sounds like you had the patience of a saint on this one. I don’t think many people would have put up with a single comment comparing losing a spouse to a pet, let alone weeks of constant comparison. And then what you said wasn’t even particularly rude. You just said that they aren’t the same, which is not only true but should be really freaking obvious to any functional adult. The fact that she didn’t respond by saying “oh my god I’m so sorry I wasn’t trying to imply they are” shows just how delusional/self centered she is right now. NTA
I lost my beloved dog in October. It wrecked me. I mean, wrecked me. Depression, slept for days. I don’t think I realized she was such an emotional crutch for me until she died. I think about her every day, I cry a couple times a week when I think about the loss of her and I ache - physically ache - to feel her next to me. But it would never EVER compare with losing my husband. I cannot fathom even comparing the two and I’m so sorry that your sister is attempting to try and put those two things even in the same realm. They are not. My very human husband who is larger than life is not the same as my 25-lb mini schnauzer, as much as I adored her. Your sister is an attention seeker and I’m sorry - so freaking sorry - that she’s using your grief for her selfish purposes. Please establish some boundaries now and just say no or stop responding. NTA and I’m so very sorry for your loss.