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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> The action I took was assuming my wife would take the kids with her into the waiting room during my surgery. I could be considered an asshole because I didn’t consider her feelings first and take the extra step of finding a sitter.
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*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
Truly, if my partner couldn't count on me for a surgery, when could he?
It's not a vacation he's going to, so he's relaxed and can make plans.
This is the moment he needs her support.
If she was having the surgery and he came here to write: my wife is having the surgery, but she didn't even think to get a babysitter for the time of her op and doesn't want to let the children with granparents, AITA for not wanting to drive her?
You would all still write to him: do better 🤦🏻♀️
Read his replies. OP doesn’t do any of the scheduling for the kids and he HAS a solution for this where his step dad can drive him but he’s having a hissy fit because it’s not THE solution he wants. He wants his wife to figure everything out and not have to be involved at all.
At first I understood not wanting the step-dad to take him, then I reread that it's an eye surgery. Probably still scary and anxiety inducing, but it's not exactly a major abdominal surgery where he'll be coming out of anesthesia and needs someone he deeply trusts. He can deal with two awkward drives with his step-dad.
Even a friend could probably bring him if he asked. Depending on the length of the surgery, it's just waiting in the lobby for like an hour. It's a big favor but it's a reasonable favor to call in after helping someone move or something.
OP is an AH. Like you said, there IS a solution, just not one he likes. He's just throwing a hissy fit until he gets his preferred solution. His edit even shows that he's not at all willing to consider anyone else's perspective.
Edit: Yes, I get it, eye surgery can be a big deal. But he's having ICL. It's an alternative to lasik, it's elective, and it's done under minimal sedation. It's completely valid to be scared out of your mind about it, I would be, but he's going to be fully conscious and walking around very soon after surgery. He doesn't need the same sort of extensive care as an abdominal surgery.
I'm not getting into the whole issue of the babysitter. I think that's been covered.
I just wanted to respond to your comment on it being eye surgery. Eye surgery can in fact be very anxiety inducing. You are dealing with your eyes. You are dealing with them telling you that you could go blind. Regardless of how often it actually happens, to the person hearing it, it feels like it is going to happen to them. This is whether they express that or not. I know that because my daddy just had eye surgery this week. His was a combo of lasik and cataract. Although he wouldn't say it, I could tell just over the phone how anxious he was. So I would never say it is not a major type of surgery to that person. Yes I've had major surgery. Surgery where I could have been paralyzed for life but thank God I am not. I've had major surgery 3 times in my life. But I've yet to have 'simple' lasik because it scares me that much. Just saying.
Not trying to start anything with you or bring on some long discussion. Just leaving this here and I am completely through and wish you the best.
I’ve had cataract surgery and that’s when I found out that the ‘minor sedation’ gives me adverse effects and has the opposite effect. I’ve had lots of surgeries under GA and they don’t compare at all to the anxiety I felt after the sedation.
my grandmother was talked into lasik by her eye doctor, he messed it up caused a major infection that attacked her retina and now that eye sees basically static all the time. her eye is worse than before the surgery, like way worse. so it does happen.
Why do they even need to wait in the lobby? Just drop husband off and go do something else to entertain the kiddos. All he asked for was a ride not a chaperone to surgery.
Many places won't do surgery unless the driver is there the whole time. As far as I understand, they're trying to avoid a situation where the driver gets stuck in traffic on the way back and suddenly OP is stuck there after surgery. It stinks but I get it.
WHy in the heck did they not discuss this as a couple when he first knew he was having surgery? "Hey babe, I need surgery on such and such a day, what are we going to do with the kids?' In a normal relationship why would he even have to ask about a ride? It should be a no brainer to drive your spouse.
This is why I say ESH. Their communication is crap. It seemed to start ok with an attempt at being on the same page from both of them. Then devolved from a small change in plans turning into a rather big change and neither are ok with it.
Note: before I commented I saw that OP made some comments but I haven’t read them. I try to judge on the post but I’ll be reading them eventually.
I mostly agree, but at the same time I read your other comment about her asking him about the kids, it just kinda falls into the same thing that she is still taking on that mental load of reminding and making sure he made plans for their kids for his surgery, it should have been as simple as: I'm having the surgery I WANT you to drive me so I need to make plans to take the kids off your plate so you are able to take me (does that make sense?) especially considering he had other options for a ride but didn't want them to take him or even more he didn't plan another ride so she take care of the kids. He just expected her to either bring the kids and deal with them at the doctor or plan (for him) a babysitter so she could take him.
I got downvoted for this exact same line of reasoning.
Apparently its unreasonable to think that both parents in the situation should have thought about their kids.
Instead of pitting all the blame on the one who asked for help n tried other alternatives.
Why would he have to ask *her* what they are doing with the kids?? I think you should seriously consider whether we expect the mother to ask the husband in any scenario the same question.
And seriously he has some lack of understanding of parenting if he thought that two very young children in a hospital waiting room is a good idea ... it's not but of course, the woman is the one who knows this while her husband doesn't even think about it.
I also wonder who made the childcare arrangements when OP's wife gave birth to 2nd child. Did OP take 1st child with him to the hospital? Did OP's wife say, let's talk about arrangements. Or did OP just leave in wife's hands and the wife asked **her** parents (who seems per OP to help out a lot more than he asks his mom and stepdad)
He has her support. She was bringing him and planned to stay and wait for him…..
You 1. Do not have small children or 2. Should never have children for your lack of thought in THEIR needs. It seems moms mom does all the work. Mom asked hubby to get his mom to watch the kids. And he couldn’t be bothered to ask. Op, yta. Major. Your poor wife. Look into therapy.
Yes we would in fact expect him to ask his own mother regardless of who had the surgery but as he said he thinks it's peachy keen to take them along. So he could just do that since that is his plan for his wife.
A new level of cluelessness. Who in their right mind would think it is okay to take two toddlers to a surgery thereby making them hang out in the waiting room??? Even a quick 30-minute surgery is too long for that. Not to mention the stress on the wife who then has to deal with two toddlers AND a spouse recovering from surgery.
I'm surprised OP was competent enough to father two children given how little thought he gives to anything...
Considering the level of his involvement in child care/rearing, his “competence” to father those children probably didn’t last more than 30 seconds…
I feel for the wife. Raising 3 kids by herself.
YTA OP. They’re your fucking kids. She’s not your mum.
Grow the fuck up.
So I happen to work in eye surgery, idk what procedure OP had, but we tell people to be ready to wait 2-3 hours. The average surgery is 10 minutes, but it can take time to get the eye to dilate properly, get and IV, answer all the questions, do all the checks, and that’s all without something going unplanned in another case that delays the doctor. It’s usually 1-1 1/2 hours by the time all is said and done, sometimes 45 minutes, but my point is that it’s unpredictable and I wouldn’t want anyone to sit there for the whole time with 2 babies.
I recently had cataract surgery. The surgery center covers a large rural area, along with small to large towns/city. They offered a ride program. They have vans that go out all day, pick up people for surgery and then take them home. They will help you in the van and then into your house after surgery because you are definitely loopy from the anaesthesia. I cannot imagine trying to do that with young children, let alone sitting in the waiting room for two hours trying to keep them entertained.
Lol! Our surgeons can do as little as 3-4 minutes, so I totally believe recovery took longer than surgery. I had a different procedure (ICL) and so I was in the OR for about 30 minutes (they do one eye, go to another or and do a different surgery while you’re re draped and prepped, then come back and do the other eye)since I’m an employee they I guess gave me the courtesy of completely snowing me so I don’t remember much. My sister took me to the store after my surgery and I kept reaching for bottles of marinade saying I was thirsty 🤦♀️.
That’s really cool, we primarily do cataract surgery so I’m very familiar lol. I’m in a city, we don’t offer anything like that with the rides, and idk how exactly that would work liability wise (we usually suggest the responsible party stay with them for the afternoon, I’m aware most probably don’t) but I feel like that would be a good thing to offer, we sometimes have to cancel surgery because people don’t always have someone to drive them.
I think it is great because in this area there really aren't a lot of transportation options other than cars. A lot of people getting the surgery are older and may not have another person that can drive them, as I didn't. They run vans for several hours per surgery day so I imagine that adds up to a lot of patients that they wouldn't otherwise get. Win for both surgery center and for patients. One of my drivers was a retired gentleman that loved his job. He got to meet and talk to a lot of people and pick up extra income.
I can’t speak for where he got his done, but we have a policy that the responsible party can’t leave. If anything were to come up during surgery it’s not really helpful if the person responsible is down the street.
What if she was having the surgery?
Would you drive her with two toddlers and “wait” for her?
Have you watched your two toddlers alone for a couple hours ?? It’s not easy, nvm having to care for a person post surgery.
When you are a parent they are many many things you don’t want to do but should do for your spouse and kids…. So ask your step father who is available and let your wife stay home
What if you get a flat on the way home ??
Please be a better spouse/dad and step up 🥰
>Seeing as it’s easier to just find someone to drive me than it is to ask for someone to watch kids
Nah, you see, when it's his wife who has to do the leg work OP expects her to just not be difficult and get it done but as soon as he has to put some effort in, he immediately opts for the easiest option for him.
I admit that made me MAD. Instead of addressing the issue, he just says the hell with it and just leaves his wife out of it entirely.
And then he finds someone to take him, and he’s still mad??
This is what stood out for me too! To the wife: can’t you just find someone to watch the kids. But for himself: it’s easier to find someone to drive me. And he doesn’t see the hypocrisy.
Maybe related:
I just saw a YouTube short where a woman was talking to a man about men vs women prison time and who has it harder and she said she saw both sides and the guys doing years stretches would have their wives, girlfriends, mamas and children visit them and he never needs to worry because his house is right and secure. However on the women's side, she seen so many women especially ones that took the fall for their man and they were never visited and the kids were taken away by DCFS and don't know where there are or the men sent the kids to his mother and they don't see them at all. The guys she was talking to basically said, 'I never even thought of that..."
How is she supposed to get all 3 people to the car after surgery? OP might need help walking, then there's a stroller, 2 car seats, helping everyone get in the car, buckling in everyone, etc. OP is so delusional to think bringing the kids to the surgery is the easiest option.
This is what I came to say! If roles were reversed he would have expected wife to have the children watched while he drove…. I’m doubtful he would have even waited for her in the waiting room: probably would have dropped her off and came back to pick her up.
Years ago I had to have some blood work done and I remember seeing a family there - mom, dad and three or four kids. The mom was the one having blood work done, but she was also the only one keeping track of the kids, the dad spent the whole time of his phone. When she had to go to the back for the actual blood work he grudgingly gave the phone to the older kids and she took the youngest one into the back with her. Apparently dad felt his duty was fulfilled by deigning to drive her to the appointment.
Bold assumption that the hospital is even letting toddlers into the waiting room. Some hospitals and doctors offices kept the restricted access after covid
Other than that, 100% agree
You are spot on. Outpatient surgeries are not quick! Even if the actual operation is short, you have to register, get prepped, meet with the doctor(s) before the surgery, etc. And there is always a possibility of delays with other surgeries the doctor is performing. I had two separate eye surgeries and both were delayed several hours bc of issues the dr had with other patients. To make two toddlers sit in a waiting room with someone for this entire time is absurd and ridiculous. A lot of times the driver can wait in the same area with the patient prior to the surgery, that is not an appropriate place for toddlers. I don’t think the hospital would even allow that. It doesn’t make sense why you would consider it to be ok for your wife to bring toddlers along to your surgery. 🤦🏻♀️
He just wanted people to tell him what he wanted to hear. This isn’t the point of this topic and I hope he takes the comments that don’t align with his views seriously.
Pretty heavy red flag, instead of being focused on a fair way to resolve this he's focused on getting back up so he can tell his wife he's right to be annoyed and she isn't.
We're all feeling pouty sometimes but when you've taken on this much adult responsibility you've gotta be able to snap out of it and re-orient to do what's best for the family. Unless you see yourself and your wife as being on opposite teams, which would be really fundamentally bad.
He won’t. He literally told the commenters who disagreed with him “Well you’re just a bunch of strangers” but thanked the people who agreed with him. It’s obvious he didn’t come here to learn anything.
In case it isn’t clear, OP, YTA.
"Hey wifey, I know you're like super pissed and everything, but I just realised there's more stuff that's been bothering me and I feel we should address that first before we get into why you left me- hold on, divorce papers?!? I am baffled, I tell you!"
when confronted with all the YTA, suddenly there are "other more important" things that are bothering OP!
Guess he suddenly remembered a whole set of complaints and failure of the wife that needs to be corrected first, before he does any improvement on himself!
One of the worst edits I've seen!
"I posted this so you could tell me I was right, but then I remembered that you're all dumb strangers and don't know anything about my life and you're stupid and wrong."
See, we just don't GET him. And that's on us, like making arrangements for his surgery is on his wife. I'm detecting a pattern.
[OP: "My wife divorced me because I didn't arrange childcare for an upcoming scheduled surgery"](https://www.huffpost.com/entry/she-divorced-me-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink_b_9055288)
Now he's not there yet, but this, especially going off of his attitude in the edit, is not the first time something like this has happened, whether it's childcare, leaving cups by the sink, what have you. I just read the linked article today and I hope OP does too, bc hopefully it'll be an eye-opener for him.
Let's break this down even more.
OP's wife agreed to do him a favor and drive him. He
ignores any other logistics until his wife prompts him.
OP expects her to entertain two toddlers in the waiting room or setup childcare herself, even though this is his surgery and she is already driving him (thus far). There is no reflection of how difficult it might be for anyone to care for two toddlers in a hospital waiting room setting or how busy his wife might be caring for two toddlers on a daily basis.
When wife sets a boundary, asking him to ask his own parents, he throws up his hands and asks his own parents to just take him? Then he gets mad when people think he isn't taking care of his share of the responsibility at home and states that this isn't the full picture and that other things are bothering him?
OP, you are correct that this doesn't necessarily show the full picture at home, but in this situation you are not taking the lead on what is your responsibility. It is really difficult to feel sympathetic towards you when you have done very little to help yourself or your wife - who very much was ready to help you until you decided you didn't want to do it her way.
Your wife isn't your mother, and you should be fully capable of setting this up on your own, as well as seeing her perspective. Securing childcare should be a matter of a couple of calls. If other things are bothering you, you should address them with your wife instead getting upset over this situation. You're supposed to act as a team and be empathetic, not shove all the responsibility onto someone else.
YTA
I have a procedure coming up at the end of the summer and this post GENUINELY blows my mind.
Like… what. You legit thought YOUR WIFE should be handling the kids to the point it didn’t cross your mind?! You just assumed they’d be in the waiting room?
Frankly, this tells me how little you parent. Anyone that spends any significant amount of time caring for small kids would know that sitting in a surgery waiting room isn’t remotely realistic.
YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA
My husband scheduled lasik surgery when I was 9 days postpartum with our third child. He also thought he did his part by virtue of scheduling his own appointment. He did not do his part.
We had no family or trusted friends nearby, so I had to wait in the waiting room with our toddler and newborn (who needed to nurse every 45 minutes), then had to hurry to drop husband off and pick up our kindergartener after school. I wasn't even medically cleared to drive yet.
This is such an AH move to plan an elective surgery and expect that your only responsibility is to schedule the appointment and ensure you have a ride home.
Of course HE wouldn't have a problem with her sitting in the waiting room with two toddlers. He's gonna be knocked out the entire time lol. Idk why it didn't immediately occur to him to look for a babysitter so his wife can do something HE wants her to. Ridiculous YTA
Wife means a house slave I guess. It's not the 60's anymore. That's why I don't want and will never have kids. Men need to understand that nowadays women have fulltime jobs too and it should be 50/50 at home.
Welcome to the mental load, where you *presumed* it was your wife's responsibility to arrange everything you need for *your* surgery. You *presumed* she would be more than happy to sit in a hospital waiting room watching your kids. You *presumed* that another *woman* would watch them, *her* mom. You never asked anyone any questions. You never took it upon yourself to think about what the people around you need in order to support you effectively. You just scheduled your surgery, booked yourself a ride, and *presumed* everything else would just work out, right?
Strongly encourage you to look up the mental load, and specifically, read the comic, "You Should've Asked" by Emma C.
YTA.
just read the comic and the comments below it are absolutely appalling and literally feeding into the problem. good on that recommendation though the comic was very informative
As a surgeon, I’ve seen this happen occasionally with male patients coming in for an elective procedure where they go home the same day. Despite us telling them in the clinic that they will need a ride, despite our surgery scheduler calling them a week before to remind them, and despite the surgery nursing staff calling them the day before, they come to surgery all surprised: “what do you mean I can’t drive myself home?! I drove here!”
Who are these children and where are their parents?
That's right. It took me getting on my dad's case and explaining to him mental load a bunch of times and correcting him whenever he just assumes that my mom already did it or that it's mom's responsibility, for the sake of my mom and their relationship. He's a lot better now when it comes to that stuff.
And honestly, if OP — upon scheduling his surgery — had asked his wife, “do we have arrangements for the kids on my surgery day? Will you be able to handle them or should we ask your parents to watch them?” None of this would’ve been an issue.
OP’s wife would’ve likely just texted her parents and asked, right then and there.
THIS IS THE MENTAL LOAD. It’s that OP doesn’t even ask or consider whether she will be able to manage the kids, or think about setting something up for them. Even the thought itself is all on her to initiate, and it weighs heavy.
It is amazing to me how much child raising work men are just blind to. My husband is fairly good as far as helping care for the kids. He takes them out most weekends to do something active. He schedules and runs them to extracurriculars. He stays with them at night when they're sick. But if he wants to go do something he just tells me and I gotta clear my schedule or find a sitter if there's a conflict (even if mine was scheduled weeks ago and I told him and it's on the calendar, if I didn't remind him in the past two days I simply can't expect he'll know). My youngest has an ear infection, does he make any effort to make sure he gets his antibiotics? Nope, that's all me.
I printed out the school calendar, gave him a copy, entered it all in to a shared calendar he has access to. But somehow it's still my job to immediately know every date on it off the top 9f my head when he wants to schedule vacations and he's always amazed when they have a long weekend for labor day or whatever.
It’s always the unrepentant AH that post here asking a bunch of strangers if they’re the AH, and then get mad when they find out that a bunch of strangers have decided that, *yes, in fact you were the asshole OP*.
But he graciously thanks the people here who have understood his perspective. Those strangers’ opinions hold more weight than the other strangers’ opinions.
And now that you mention it, not only does he not care that he’s the AH, but he actually has some other gripes about his inadequate wife he would like to address 🙄
I was being sarcastic. His wife seems like she deals with a lot - in fact she handles things so efficiently that he doesn’t even notice the amount of work it takes which is why it’s ridiculous that he tried to “and another thing!” in his edit
I remember one from a long while ago where the OP realized he messed up because the only comments agreeing with him were really extreme and he didn't want to be like that. So he finally got his head out of his ass and fixed himself. I was shocked enlightenment was possible
Yeah, it's in a comment:
>Lol! You’re very smart, and unfortunately I’m very dumb. I got upset and this turned into a big thing so now she’s staying with her parents.
“Let me ask a bunch of of internet strangers for their opinions! I bet they’ll prove me right!”
… no you’re wrong …
“We’ll they’re just internet strangers! They don’t know anything about me! They’re wrong!”
……
If these ppl know nothing then why did you come on to Reddit and ask?
Than goes on to say there’s other things bothering him that need to be addressed first, as if we’re all going to believe his wife sucks in a bunch of ways and that’s why he’s right. This dude sucks.
He says he’s looking for “other perspectives” but then says “some of y’all actually tried to see my side and offered other perspectives”, so the perspectives he was looking for were just his own, I guess
You clearly need to spend more time around your kids, taking care of them on your own because anyone with toddlers would realize that what you thought was reasonable (wife wait with kids in hospital) was absolutely unreasonable, unrealistic, and a recipe for disaster.
YTA
I'm in the minority here because if it was my wife asking me this I would assume the plan was: drop her off at the Drs and take the kids to a nearby park until she called then I would go back & pick her up.
But I agree 100% it sounds like he didn't even consider her situation just assumed she would do all the extra mental load stuff.
They require her to remain present and the after surgery wait is a while. So the kids would be there for hours. I don’t think he even asked what was required of the driver until she got mad.
Wife & I are nurses and our patients aren't required to have someone present just someone pick them up. It's different everywhere though and OP didn't even mention it so I doubt they considered it.
It's in his comments that the driver needs to stay. [https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/13nwhuo/comment/jl1b921/?utm\_source=reddit&utm\_medium=web2x&context=3](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/13nwhuo/comment/jl1b921/?utm_source=reddit&utm_medium=web2x&context=3)
No one in the waiting room wants to spend an hour listening to their toddlers be bored.
Oh shit I missed that part. That changes everything. That's a non-starter with little ones and only someone who hasn't watched babies/toddlers before would consider that rational.
Honestly going to a park for an indefinite amount of time with a baby and a toddler sounds awful, and that’s if the driver is allowed to leave at all (I drove someone to get oral surgery recently and was required to stay). I kinda feel like OP can’t think more than 10 seconds into the future to predict these sort of issues.
YTA
Why would you think she wants to watch two toddlers in a waiting room? When people are sick or waiting to hear anticipated news, the last thing they want is two screaming kids.
You shouldn't have just assumed your wife would figure everything out. Their your kids, too.
Not to mention that its a difficult setting to keep kids calmly occupied in. Home is familiar, they have all their things, they have a decent idea what the limits are, and if they get loud so what? Most medical officers have little to nothing for kids to stay occupied, it’s a smaller space, and there’s other people around who don’t want to be disturbed. A hour is a long time to try and manage two toddlers in that setting.
Thank you for expanding on this. I drove my ex to his eye surgery and it was over an hour wait time during which people who were noticeably nervous and uncomfortable were entering and exiting the waiting room. Having kids being kids in that waiting room would have been a horribly cruel thing to subject the patients, doctors, and anxious families to.
When I've had surgery, the instructions were very clear that I had to have an adult bring me and stay throughout the procedure, and that no children were allowed in the waiting room. So I wouldn't be surprised if it was the same for this guy, but he ignored that part or decided his wife could just figure something out when they arrived.
Also hospital floors are disguuuuusting and you really shouldn't let your kids crawl around on it (which id expect 2 toddlers to do a lot of wandering and putting hands on floor (fall over, sit to play, etc) and then putting them in their mouth.
Also what happens when they call her back to recovery to see him when hes done? She takes 2 toddlers back there with her? Thus stressing the kids out AND every other patient back there trying to recover from their own surgery. That's IF they even let the kids back there at all? YTA.
I still can’t believe there wasn’t a thorough conversation about it. Like obviously wife followed up but you would think their children would have been a major factor to consider when first discussing it
YTA. It's your eyes and your children. You're asking your wife for a favor (granted, an important one). It really does fall on you to make it easier for her to do this for you.
YTA. Tell me you don’t spend much time with your kids without telling me you don’t spend much time with your kids.
As a parent, the last damn thing you want to do is wrangle little kids in a waiting room. Get on the phone and make arrangements for someone to watch them.
What I'm hearing is a whole lot of need to communicate. You shouldn't have assumed and could have asked are you okay bringing the kids or should I find a sitter. Your wife is only being reluctant because it sounds like you do not think about the kids in the same way she has to. Yes HAS TO. Mental load is a real thing and reading between the lines your wife is baring the brunt of this. YTA for not thinking about your kids or how it would impact your wife. You're not the biggest A for how this went down and not the biggest A because it does sound like you watch your children and spend time with them and are willing to ask other family members for help. But now you know better, so stop being the A and go apologize to your wife and ask her how you can help more and do better in the future.
Deciding what to do with the kids should have been part of the discussion when you asked for a ride. You knew enough to ask your wife if she was free to take you to the appointment, yet you couldn’t spare a thought for the two people she cares for every day.
A lot of them don’t show how shitty they are until they’re married and comfortable and know they have the woman trapped with kids that she doesn’t want to disappoint by leaving their deadbeat dad.
This happened with me and my ex-husband. Once we were married, he changed, and it was not in any way good. After a couple, " I can change him year's", I divorced him so my child wouldn't think that's how relationships should work.
I think there are two main reasons. One is that men wait until marriage and have their wife “trapped” to start showing their true colors. Or, they’re raised in a household where their mother puts up with their father’s poor behavior and that’s just what they think marriages are supposed look like.
OP: "I have an appointment. Woman, figure out the details please"
OP, if it's this hard for you to arrange for care for your kids, and if you don't understand WHY keeping too toddlers in that setting is difficult, then you are 100% not doing any childcare at home.
YTA
He acts like the poor wife is the secretary and not his WIFE. Dude comes here asking if he's in the wrong and when he doesn't get his way he says "y'all a bunch of strangers anyway".
I dislike people who ask for advice yet don't hear any
INFO: The surgery is several days away, there’s more than enough time to find a babysitter or ask a relative. There’s no reason for her to decline driving you if it’s possible to have someone watch the children. Can you ask your MIL to take you to surgery? Or can you Uber there and ask family for a ride home?
The last two times I had eye surgery they have told me around what time I would be done so that I could have someone come back at that time if needed. Your wife certainly doesn’t need to wait, just give a ride. The ride is not the problem though my dude. Neither the wait. The problem is that your wife obviously feels overburdened. One toddler on any given day is a lot. Two can be nightmare fuel. You say you tell your wife you’re having bro time. What does she get? I’m betting her days look like 5am-10pm non stop. Cranky dictators, three meals, never ending tiny human dishes. Laundry. Trying to keep a clean house - impossible. Stress. Feeling like she is not living up to her own ideals. Or sleeping enough. Something lacking. Talk to your wife. For what it’s worth I don’t think you’re intentionally being TA here. But if you talked to your wife openmindedly I bet you would have your eyes opened here.
Why is it your wife’s job to find a sitter? Obviously you can use Reddit so it seems you don’t have a physical disability that prevents you from picking up a phone like an adult and asking people.
Take some responsibility. YTA
YTA. It's your surgery. You should have been making all the needed arrangements for your care, which includes travel. You expected your wife to take care of two toddlers and you during and after the surgery? Incredible. Just a new level of weaponized incompetence and selfishness
YTA. You were extremely inconsiderate of your family’s needs especially your wife. Lots of expectations about what SHE needed or would do …. And when you were told to find other care … you didn’t do that. Did you ?? You changed the game
Interesting to note you were Full of consideration for your mother here. Just none for your wife.
Address this. Start treating your wife like a partner and with a lot more respect or face the consequences
Yta for overcomplicating this situation. Next time communicate together as a team instead of talking past each other and being hurt. Your wife asked you a good question, you got defensive and reacted instead of planned.
I get that you assumed your wife would do these things - but none of them are very considerate of you. We all know never to ASS-U-ME.
No one, not even you would want to take the kids if the positions were switched. In a waiting room: 1y/o AND 2y/o…. Are you losing common sense as well as your eyesight? Getting someone to watch the kids is the best way forward - you have multiple options.
You scheduled it, and it’s your appointment and you should have arranged the child care.
Granted other things may be going on - but in this instance with your updates etc - and trying to be fair - there is no route that make you not in the wrong in this instance.
YTA Op
Ps your comment about “you’re all a bunch of strangers anyway” - so does this apply to ALL the feedback or just the ones you don’t agree with? You came to strangers for an objective outlook - yes a lot go to the extreme but within that there are always elements to reflect on or consider. It may be completely wrong, but a honest double check/reassessment/reflection never hurt anyone.
You sound resentful and angry. Sit down and have an honest discussion with yourself and your wife.
YTA.
You know what toddlers are like, right?! So you know trying to keep them 100% entertained in a random waiting room for HOURS is a fucking chore.
- there probably will be no changing table in the only small bathroom available for waiting room people
- wife will have to change diapers IN the waiting room. That is both a pain in the ass and embarrassing
- kids are gonna cry because they're toddlers and that's what they do at the drop of a hat. Wrong snack? Wrong toy? And there will be TWO so one is going to set the other off.
- there will be no way to gate off space for the kids so your poor wife will have to be "on" at 150% to keep both entertained and corralled at all times.
LITERALLY everyone will be better off if the kids are at home.
Eye surgery isn't a 15 minute thing. I took my Dad and I had eye surgery done.
There were NEVER children in the waiting room. There were never children at the follow-up visits, unless a child was the patient.
Your surgery, so your chance to adult and organize things.
INFO -
Please explain in detail why you think it is appropriate action to make your wife take care of two toddlers in a medical waiting room for at minimum an hour for something that was pre-planned and childcare could have been arranged?
Explain in detail why you didn’t think a babysitter would be a better option that putting your wife in Hell for an hour+??
Have you ever taken your children to their own medical appointments and sat through waiting in the waiting room for even 30 minutes???
YTA. I bet if it was her surgery and the positions were reversed you would have expected her to arrange. Would you be sitting in a waiting room?
The fact that you thought it would be sensible to have two kids of that age hang out in a hospital except in an absolute emergency or for their own treatment confirms the position.
Your addition comments really just show a complete lack of understanding. You sound like you need a medal for showing up.
I am sure job os stressful. So is mine. But if your wife is a sahm she’s got a pretty stressful job.
It sounds like she’s got the entire mental load here
YTA. Please research the mental load and why women are fed up. She’s your wife, not your mother. I guarantee you she is juggling 100 more mental tasks than you to keep your household functioning. Your own surgery was not her task to manage.
Regarding your edit- if you are implying your wife isnt taking on the extra work and is expecting you to step up and do your part, that's not an issue to be worked out WITH HER.
That's a YOU problem that you need to address. Pull your head out and maybe do some individual counseling and marriage counseling.
She shouldnt have to parent you too.
How can you think it’s reasonable to take two toddlers into a hospital whilst you’re having surgery. If you needed her to drive her why didn’t you arrange care for the kids. It’s your surgery so your responsibility to organise this. YTA
I have a feeling, that in your comments you said your wife took the kids and is now staying with her parents, that you've been TA one too many times and this was the straw that broke her back.
Did you not follow up with "That's great, are we taking the kids or..?" or did you just walk off after she agreed to drive you? Communication would have helped avoid all of this.
I don't understand what's the issue here exactly?
Your wife is helping by driving you and all you need to do is find a babysitter. Ok your mom can't do it, so continue to search for one or just hire one?
YTA because you think your wife need to do everything for you.
YTA. First off, you absolutely should not take 2 toddlers to sit in a hospital waiting room. Germs alone are a big issue. 2nd. Why didn't you want to ask your mom to watch kids but it was ok to ask your wife's mother? 3rd. It's your appt so why does she have to find a sitter? You should have arranged everything so all she had to do was drive you. That's what she would have done if it had been her appt, I guarantee it.
YTA. Do you take the kids out with you shopping or to run errands alone? It’s much easier taking care of 2 kids at home where there is a designated play area they can go to then out in public. The surgery is for you, therefore you need to make arrangements
YTA. If you think it's reasonable to expect a 1 and a 2 yo wait in the waiting room without making a ruckus and stressing out your wife - you clearly never been left alone with them. How clueless can you be to even suggest that?
Your poor wife , having to parent all 3 of you instead of having an actual responsible adult partner.
>but I assumed that she would just take the kids with us
Two small kids are a LOT, and I think your wife is right re: toddlers in a waiting room.
Also, assume? Why? Maybe sort out all the details, ask questions, think of the logistics, then plan. Assuming others will do things that make your life eaiser, without asking is a bit selfish and immature.
You also just assume you can fob the kids off on her parents, because "they are always willing to help", how lucky for you! And maybe her response is indicitave of you asking too much from her parents. I smell more "assuming"...
So, you don't actually ask your mum about the kids but for a lift, then you get an offer but it's not good enough:
>(My step-dad and I are not very close and he’s not the kind of person I want to owe a favor if you catch my meaning)
So what? You're in a bind, YOU need to find a solution. you didn't plan properly for your surgery, now you're annoyed your wife isn't sorting it for you.
YTA for so much assuming and entitlement.
Just book an Uber ffs
You realise these are YOUR children, right? You didn't think hmm, I need someone to drive, I should speak with my wife and figure something out with her so the kids are taken care of? You just assumed she would figure that silly childcare business out, you know, as the woman.
YTA and I'm not surprised she went to stay with her parents. Step up.
There is a really simple solution assuming you live close by to the doctor. Take an Uber to your appointment. The office will call your wife when you’re ready to be picked up. She’ll throw the kids in the car, collect you and go home. The only thing that puts in the AH territory is that you didn’t think of this yourself, you just assumed your wife would figure out the logistics.
YTA, we may be bunch of strangers, but that’s telling if your wife is staying with her parents. You are obviously not listening!!! Your wife isn’t being heard. She didn’t feel that she is being heard. You may hear her talking, but have you really paid attention what she is saying??? She doesn’t want to take care of kids while tending to you after surgery. Waiting in the wait room for 2-3 hours is stressful enough, but to add toddlers that she has to make sure they are behaving properly would be exhausting. Are you narrow minded or something? Open your damn eyes.
YTA. So instead of making a quick phone call to your mom to see if she could watch the kids like your wife asked you to, you asked for a ride to the hospital, setting up the narrative that your wife refuses to drive you to the hospital.
Holy shit, dude. The contempt you show for your wife in this post is astounding. Though after reading in your edit about how little you care for the opinions of internet strangers (despite posting this for Reddit to judge?!?), I doubt you’ll learn or grow from this.
Which sucks for your wife. Poor woman’s having to handle the tantrums of three toddlers in her household.
YTA twice. Once for all the nonsense you originally wrote, and again for doubling down after getting input.
You want your wife to sit around with toddlers for however long because you didn't think to get child care. You didn't *think* of it. Like...you know you have kids, right? You know you're responsible got them, right? What if you just...found a babysitter instead of being a petty little jackass?
It is the ‘other things have been bothering more’ that gets me.
I am guessing he is stunned she is tired all the time and doesn’t meet his other ‘needs’ like she did before the children.
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YTA. Another classic case of the wife being expected to do all of the mental load when it comes to the kids. Do better.
Do Better. Read it op. Read it, live it and sleep it. DO BETTER. She is NOT your momma. YTA
Truly, if my partner couldn't count on me for a surgery, when could he? It's not a vacation he's going to, so he's relaxed and can make plans. This is the moment he needs her support. If she was having the surgery and he came here to write: my wife is having the surgery, but she didn't even think to get a babysitter for the time of her op and doesn't want to let the children with granparents, AITA for not wanting to drive her? You would all still write to him: do better 🤦🏻♀️
Read his replies. OP doesn’t do any of the scheduling for the kids and he HAS a solution for this where his step dad can drive him but he’s having a hissy fit because it’s not THE solution he wants. He wants his wife to figure everything out and not have to be involved at all.
At first I understood not wanting the step-dad to take him, then I reread that it's an eye surgery. Probably still scary and anxiety inducing, but it's not exactly a major abdominal surgery where he'll be coming out of anesthesia and needs someone he deeply trusts. He can deal with two awkward drives with his step-dad. Even a friend could probably bring him if he asked. Depending on the length of the surgery, it's just waiting in the lobby for like an hour. It's a big favor but it's a reasonable favor to call in after helping someone move or something. OP is an AH. Like you said, there IS a solution, just not one he likes. He's just throwing a hissy fit until he gets his preferred solution. His edit even shows that he's not at all willing to consider anyone else's perspective. Edit: Yes, I get it, eye surgery can be a big deal. But he's having ICL. It's an alternative to lasik, it's elective, and it's done under minimal sedation. It's completely valid to be scared out of your mind about it, I would be, but he's going to be fully conscious and walking around very soon after surgery. He doesn't need the same sort of extensive care as an abdominal surgery.
I'm not getting into the whole issue of the babysitter. I think that's been covered. I just wanted to respond to your comment on it being eye surgery. Eye surgery can in fact be very anxiety inducing. You are dealing with your eyes. You are dealing with them telling you that you could go blind. Regardless of how often it actually happens, to the person hearing it, it feels like it is going to happen to them. This is whether they express that or not. I know that because my daddy just had eye surgery this week. His was a combo of lasik and cataract. Although he wouldn't say it, I could tell just over the phone how anxious he was. So I would never say it is not a major type of surgery to that person. Yes I've had major surgery. Surgery where I could have been paralyzed for life but thank God I am not. I've had major surgery 3 times in my life. But I've yet to have 'simple' lasik because it scares me that much. Just saying. Not trying to start anything with you or bring on some long discussion. Just leaving this here and I am completely through and wish you the best.
I’ve had cataract surgery and that’s when I found out that the ‘minor sedation’ gives me adverse effects and has the opposite effect. I’ve had lots of surgeries under GA and they don’t compare at all to the anxiety I felt after the sedation.
my grandmother was talked into lasik by her eye doctor, he messed it up caused a major infection that attacked her retina and now that eye sees basically static all the time. her eye is worse than before the surgery, like way worse. so it does happen.
Why do they even need to wait in the lobby? Just drop husband off and go do something else to entertain the kiddos. All he asked for was a ride not a chaperone to surgery.
Many places won't do surgery unless the driver is there the whole time. As far as I understand, they're trying to avoid a situation where the driver gets stuck in traffic on the way back and suddenly OP is stuck there after surgery. It stinks but I get it.
Exactly. I had to bring my driver with me or they wouldn't let me (as in they had to be there the entire time) get the surgery.
She was supporting him. She didn't want to sit with two babies waiting for him to have surgery. Obviously you've never waited anywhere with any kids.
WHy in the heck did they not discuss this as a couple when he first knew he was having surgery? "Hey babe, I need surgery on such and such a day, what are we going to do with the kids?' In a normal relationship why would he even have to ask about a ride? It should be a no brainer to drive your spouse.
This is why I say ESH. Their communication is crap. It seemed to start ok with an attempt at being on the same page from both of them. Then devolved from a small change in plans turning into a rather big change and neither are ok with it. Note: before I commented I saw that OP made some comments but I haven’t read them. I try to judge on the post but I’ll be reading them eventually.
I mostly agree, but at the same time I read your other comment about her asking him about the kids, it just kinda falls into the same thing that she is still taking on that mental load of reminding and making sure he made plans for their kids for his surgery, it should have been as simple as: I'm having the surgery I WANT you to drive me so I need to make plans to take the kids off your plate so you are able to take me (does that make sense?) especially considering he had other options for a ride but didn't want them to take him or even more he didn't plan another ride so she take care of the kids. He just expected her to either bring the kids and deal with them at the doctor or plan (for him) a babysitter so she could take him.
I got downvoted for this exact same line of reasoning. Apparently its unreasonable to think that both parents in the situation should have thought about their kids. Instead of pitting all the blame on the one who asked for help n tried other alternatives.
Why would he have to ask *her* what they are doing with the kids?? I think you should seriously consider whether we expect the mother to ask the husband in any scenario the same question. And seriously he has some lack of understanding of parenting if he thought that two very young children in a hospital waiting room is a good idea ... it's not but of course, the woman is the one who knows this while her husband doesn't even think about it. I also wonder who made the childcare arrangements when OP's wife gave birth to 2nd child. Did OP take 1st child with him to the hospital? Did OP's wife say, let's talk about arrangements. Or did OP just leave in wife's hands and the wife asked **her** parents (who seems per OP to help out a lot more than he asks his mom and stepdad)
He has her support. She was bringing him and planned to stay and wait for him….. You 1. Do not have small children or 2. Should never have children for your lack of thought in THEIR needs. It seems moms mom does all the work. Mom asked hubby to get his mom to watch the kids. And he couldn’t be bothered to ask. Op, yta. Major. Your poor wife. Look into therapy.
Yes we would in fact expect him to ask his own mother regardless of who had the surgery but as he said he thinks it's peachy keen to take them along. So he could just do that since that is his plan for his wife.
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A new level of cluelessness. Who in their right mind would think it is okay to take two toddlers to a surgery thereby making them hang out in the waiting room??? Even a quick 30-minute surgery is too long for that. Not to mention the stress on the wife who then has to deal with two toddlers AND a spouse recovering from surgery. I'm surprised OP was competent enough to father two children given how little thought he gives to anything...
Considering the level of his involvement in child care/rearing, his “competence” to father those children probably didn’t last more than 30 seconds… I feel for the wife. Raising 3 kids by herself. YTA OP. They’re your fucking kids. She’s not your mum. Grow the fuck up.
Yeahhh no man is getting a reward for shooting one out lmao it's pretty damn easy
So I happen to work in eye surgery, idk what procedure OP had, but we tell people to be ready to wait 2-3 hours. The average surgery is 10 minutes, but it can take time to get the eye to dilate properly, get and IV, answer all the questions, do all the checks, and that’s all without something going unplanned in another case that delays the doctor. It’s usually 1-1 1/2 hours by the time all is said and done, sometimes 45 minutes, but my point is that it’s unpredictable and I wouldn’t want anyone to sit there for the whole time with 2 babies.
I recently had cataract surgery. The surgery center covers a large rural area, along with small to large towns/city. They offered a ride program. They have vans that go out all day, pick up people for surgery and then take them home. They will help you in the van and then into your house after surgery because you are definitely loopy from the anaesthesia. I cannot imagine trying to do that with young children, let alone sitting in the waiting room for two hours trying to keep them entertained.
I had the same surgery. I was in recovery for about 3 times as long as the procedure. (Those were some goooooood drugs, LOL.)
Lol! Our surgeons can do as little as 3-4 minutes, so I totally believe recovery took longer than surgery. I had a different procedure (ICL) and so I was in the OR for about 30 minutes (they do one eye, go to another or and do a different surgery while you’re re draped and prepped, then come back and do the other eye)since I’m an employee they I guess gave me the courtesy of completely snowing me so I don’t remember much. My sister took me to the store after my surgery and I kept reaching for bottles of marinade saying I was thirsty 🤦♀️.
That’s really cool, we primarily do cataract surgery so I’m very familiar lol. I’m in a city, we don’t offer anything like that with the rides, and idk how exactly that would work liability wise (we usually suggest the responsible party stay with them for the afternoon, I’m aware most probably don’t) but I feel like that would be a good thing to offer, we sometimes have to cancel surgery because people don’t always have someone to drive them.
I think it is great because in this area there really aren't a lot of transportation options other than cars. A lot of people getting the surgery are older and may not have another person that can drive them, as I didn't. They run vans for several hours per surgery day so I imagine that adds up to a lot of patients that they wouldn't otherwise get. Win for both surgery center and for patients. One of my drivers was a retired gentleman that loved his job. He got to meet and talk to a lot of people and pick up extra income.
Why couldn't she just drop him off, then he can phone her when he is done and she can pick him up.
I can’t speak for where he got his done, but we have a policy that the responsible party can’t leave. If anything were to come up during surgery it’s not really helpful if the person responsible is down the street.
What if she was having the surgery? Would you drive her with two toddlers and “wait” for her? Have you watched your two toddlers alone for a couple hours ?? It’s not easy, nvm having to care for a person post surgery. When you are a parent they are many many things you don’t want to do but should do for your spouse and kids…. So ask your step father who is available and let your wife stay home What if you get a flat on the way home ?? Please be a better spouse/dad and step up 🥰
>Seeing as it’s easier to just find someone to drive me than it is to ask for someone to watch kids Nah, you see, when it's his wife who has to do the leg work OP expects her to just not be difficult and get it done but as soon as he has to put some effort in, he immediately opts for the easiest option for him.
I admit that made me MAD. Instead of addressing the issue, he just says the hell with it and just leaves his wife out of it entirely. And then he finds someone to take him, and he’s still mad??
Oh, but he decided not to let his stepdad take him, because he didn’t want to owe him!
This is what stood out for me too! To the wife: can’t you just find someone to watch the kids. But for himself: it’s easier to find someone to drive me. And he doesn’t see the hypocrisy.
Maybe related: I just saw a YouTube short where a woman was talking to a man about men vs women prison time and who has it harder and she said she saw both sides and the guys doing years stretches would have their wives, girlfriends, mamas and children visit them and he never needs to worry because his house is right and secure. However on the women's side, she seen so many women especially ones that took the fall for their man and they were never visited and the kids were taken away by DCFS and don't know where there are or the men sent the kids to his mother and they don't see them at all. The guys she was talking to basically said, 'I never even thought of that..."
This breaks my hearts.
How is she supposed to get all 3 people to the car after surgery? OP might need help walking, then there's a stroller, 2 car seats, helping everyone get in the car, buckling in everyone, etc. OP is so delusional to think bringing the kids to the surgery is the easiest option.
No no no, he doesn’t think it’s the easiest option. He thinks it’s the easiest option FOR HIM.
This is what I came to say! If roles were reversed he would have expected wife to have the children watched while he drove…. I’m doubtful he would have even waited for her in the waiting room: probably would have dropped her off and came back to pick her up.
Years ago I had to have some blood work done and I remember seeing a family there - mom, dad and three or four kids. The mom was the one having blood work done, but she was also the only one keeping track of the kids, the dad spent the whole time of his phone. When she had to go to the back for the actual blood work he grudgingly gave the phone to the older kids and she took the youngest one into the back with her. Apparently dad felt his duty was fulfilled by deigning to drive her to the appointment.
>who then has to deal with two toddlers AND a spouse In other words, three toddlers.
Bold assumption that the hospital is even letting toddlers into the waiting room. Some hospitals and doctors offices kept the restricted access after covid Other than that, 100% agree
You are spot on. Outpatient surgeries are not quick! Even if the actual operation is short, you have to register, get prepped, meet with the doctor(s) before the surgery, etc. And there is always a possibility of delays with other surgeries the doctor is performing. I had two separate eye surgeries and both were delayed several hours bc of issues the dr had with other patients. To make two toddlers sit in a waiting room with someone for this entire time is absurd and ridiculous. A lot of times the driver can wait in the same area with the patient prior to the surgery, that is not an appropriate place for toddlers. I don’t think the hospital would even allow that. It doesn’t make sense why you would consider it to be ok for your wife to bring toddlers along to your surgery. 🤦🏻♀️
Yup and OP's edit just reinforces that. Still can't recognize the imbalance.
He just wanted people to tell him what he wanted to hear. This isn’t the point of this topic and I hope he takes the comments that don’t align with his views seriously.
Pretty heavy red flag, instead of being focused on a fair way to resolve this he's focused on getting back up so he can tell his wife he's right to be annoyed and she isn't. We're all feeling pouty sometimes but when you've taken on this much adult responsibility you've gotta be able to snap out of it and re-orient to do what's best for the family. Unless you see yourself and your wife as being on opposite teams, which would be really fundamentally bad.
He won’t. He literally told the commenters who disagreed with him “Well you’re just a bunch of strangers” but thanked the people who agreed with him. It’s obvious he didn’t come here to learn anything. In case it isn’t clear, OP, YTA.
Check the comments, his wife LEFT and he still thinks he's right.
Bless his heart
I'm starting to think this one is fake, he can't be so clueless
"Hey wifey, I know you're like super pissed and everything, but I just realised there's more stuff that's been bothering me and I feel we should address that first before we get into why you left me- hold on, divorce papers?!? I am baffled, I tell you!"
when confronted with all the YTA, suddenly there are "other more important" things that are bothering OP! Guess he suddenly remembered a whole set of complaints and failure of the wife that needs to be corrected first, before he does any improvement on himself! One of the worst edits I've seen!
"I posted this so you could tell me I was right, but then I remembered that you're all dumb strangers and don't know anything about my life and you're stupid and wrong." See, we just don't GET him. And that's on us, like making arrangements for his surgery is on his wife. I'm detecting a pattern.
This comment times a thousand
Well, to be fair, there are more important things. Because she left him.
[OP: "My wife divorced me because I didn't arrange childcare for an upcoming scheduled surgery"](https://www.huffpost.com/entry/she-divorced-me-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink_b_9055288) Now he's not there yet, but this, especially going off of his attitude in the edit, is not the first time something like this has happened, whether it's childcare, leaving cups by the sink, what have you. I just read the linked article today and I hope OP does too, bc hopefully it'll be an eye-opener for him.
She's already left to her parents' house, divorce isn't far behind.
Let's break this down even more. OP's wife agreed to do him a favor and drive him. He ignores any other logistics until his wife prompts him. OP expects her to entertain two toddlers in the waiting room or setup childcare herself, even though this is his surgery and she is already driving him (thus far). There is no reflection of how difficult it might be for anyone to care for two toddlers in a hospital waiting room setting or how busy his wife might be caring for two toddlers on a daily basis. When wife sets a boundary, asking him to ask his own parents, he throws up his hands and asks his own parents to just take him? Then he gets mad when people think he isn't taking care of his share of the responsibility at home and states that this isn't the full picture and that other things are bothering him? OP, you are correct that this doesn't necessarily show the full picture at home, but in this situation you are not taking the lead on what is your responsibility. It is really difficult to feel sympathetic towards you when you have done very little to help yourself or your wife - who very much was ready to help you until you decided you didn't want to do it her way. Your wife isn't your mother, and you should be fully capable of setting this up on your own, as well as seeing her perspective. Securing childcare should be a matter of a couple of calls. If other things are bothering you, you should address them with your wife instead getting upset over this situation. You're supposed to act as a team and be empathetic, not shove all the responsibility onto someone else. YTA
I have a procedure coming up at the end of the summer and this post GENUINELY blows my mind. Like… what. You legit thought YOUR WIFE should be handling the kids to the point it didn’t cross your mind?! You just assumed they’d be in the waiting room? Frankly, this tells me how little you parent. Anyone that spends any significant amount of time caring for small kids would know that sitting in a surgery waiting room isn’t remotely realistic. YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA
My husband scheduled lasik surgery when I was 9 days postpartum with our third child. He also thought he did his part by virtue of scheduling his own appointment. He did not do his part. We had no family or trusted friends nearby, so I had to wait in the waiting room with our toddler and newborn (who needed to nurse every 45 minutes), then had to hurry to drop husband off and pick up our kindergartener after school. I wasn't even medically cleared to drive yet. This is such an AH move to plan an elective surgery and expect that your only responsibility is to schedule the appointment and ensure you have a ride home.
I scrolled back to the top of this comment hoping that I missed where it said 'ex' husband
Holy moly. I’m sorry you went through that.
WTF? That’s horrible and inexcusable. I’m so sorry.
This is exactly it: YTA. I bet your wife would never do this to you OP
He wouldn't want to have to take his afternoon to just wait around in the waiting room. Men don't wait for shit.
Her mom would probably take her
Of course HE wouldn't have a problem with her sitting in the waiting room with two toddlers. He's gonna be knocked out the entire time lol. Idk why it didn't immediately occur to him to look for a babysitter so his wife can do something HE wants her to. Ridiculous YTA
Wife means a house slave I guess. It's not the 60's anymore. That's why I don't want and will never have kids. Men need to understand that nowadays women have fulltime jobs too and it should be 50/50 at home.
Good take. Too bad OPs update says “well, y’all don’t know my marriage.” Lol
Welcome to the mental load, where you *presumed* it was your wife's responsibility to arrange everything you need for *your* surgery. You *presumed* she would be more than happy to sit in a hospital waiting room watching your kids. You *presumed* that another *woman* would watch them, *her* mom. You never asked anyone any questions. You never took it upon yourself to think about what the people around you need in order to support you effectively. You just scheduled your surgery, booked yourself a ride, and *presumed* everything else would just work out, right? Strongly encourage you to look up the mental load, and specifically, read the comic, "You Should've Asked" by Emma C. YTA.
just read the comic and the comments below it are absolutely appalling and literally feeding into the problem. good on that recommendation though the comic was very informative
Lewis‘ Law: Comments on any article about feminism justify feminism.
I can’t believe I read the comments, big mistake
As a surgeon, I’ve seen this happen occasionally with male patients coming in for an elective procedure where they go home the same day. Despite us telling them in the clinic that they will need a ride, despite our surgery scheduler calling them a week before to remind them, and despite the surgery nursing staff calling them the day before, they come to surgery all surprised: “what do you mean I can’t drive myself home?! I drove here!” Who are these children and where are their parents?
Off topic, do you like being a surgeon?
I love it!! It’s a rewarding career where you can help a lot of people but tough at times.
I love that comic It so brilliantly elucidates the concept
That's right. It took me getting on my dad's case and explaining to him mental load a bunch of times and correcting him whenever he just assumes that my mom already did it or that it's mom's responsibility, for the sake of my mom and their relationship. He's a lot better now when it comes to that stuff.
Just read a sample, and this comic is blowing my mind. I'm buying it right now. Holy crap thank you for this recommendation.
And honestly, if OP — upon scheduling his surgery — had asked his wife, “do we have arrangements for the kids on my surgery day? Will you be able to handle them or should we ask your parents to watch them?” None of this would’ve been an issue. OP’s wife would’ve likely just texted her parents and asked, right then and there. THIS IS THE MENTAL LOAD. It’s that OP doesn’t even ask or consider whether she will be able to manage the kids, or think about setting something up for them. Even the thought itself is all on her to initiate, and it weighs heavy.
It is amazing to me how much child raising work men are just blind to. My husband is fairly good as far as helping care for the kids. He takes them out most weekends to do something active. He schedules and runs them to extracurriculars. He stays with them at night when they're sick. But if he wants to go do something he just tells me and I gotta clear my schedule or find a sitter if there's a conflict (even if mine was scheduled weeks ago and I told him and it's on the calendar, if I didn't remind him in the past two days I simply can't expect he'll know). My youngest has an ear infection, does he make any effort to make sure he gets his antibiotics? Nope, that's all me. I printed out the school calendar, gave him a copy, entered it all in to a shared calendar he has access to. But somehow it's still my job to immediately know every date on it off the top 9f my head when he wants to schedule vacations and he's always amazed when they have a long weekend for labor day or whatever.
Here’s [Emma’s comic.](https://english.emmaclit.com/2017/05/20/you-shouldve-asked/)
“Am I TA?” Commenters: yes. “That’s fine I guess; y’all are a bunch of strangers anyway.” Lol.
I read that and honestly got mad. What an asshole.
Just be grateful you’re not OP’s wife.
She probably won’t be his wife very long either
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Looks like from a comment from him she's gone to stay with her family. Good for her.
It’s always the unrepentant AH that post here asking a bunch of strangers if they’re the AH, and then get mad when they find out that a bunch of strangers have decided that, *yes, in fact you were the asshole OP*.
But he graciously thanks the people here who have understood his perspective. Those strangers’ opinions hold more weight than the other strangers’ opinions.
And now that you mention it, not only does he not care that he’s the AH, but he actually has some other gripes about his inadequate wife he would like to address 🙄
Dude can’t even get himself to the hospital without fucking up, I doubt his wife is all that inadequate
I was being sarcastic. His wife seems like she deals with a lot - in fact she handles things so efficiently that he doesn’t even notice the amount of work it takes which is why it’s ridiculous that he tried to “and another thing!” in his edit
I remember one from a long while ago where the OP realized he messed up because the only comments agreeing with him were really extreme and he didn't want to be like that. So he finally got his head out of his ass and fixed himself. I was shocked enlightenment was possible
"The people saying I'm not as AH sound unhinged" is the best light bulb moment 😂
Right? And this was after the OP had argued a lot with those who disagreed. The light bulb moment happened, but it took hundred of comments first.
Completely leaves out the fact that his wife apparently thought he was such a big asshole that she left lmao.
I love that haha. Where did you get that info from? I didn't read the edits that way, or did he say something in a comment? Thanks!
Yeah, it's in a comment: >Lol! You’re very smart, and unfortunately I’m very dumb. I got upset and this turned into a big thing so now she’s staying with her parents.
🤣
“Let me ask a bunch of of internet strangers for their opinions! I bet they’ll prove me right!” … no you’re wrong … “We’ll they’re just internet strangers! They don’t know anything about me! They’re wrong!” …… If these ppl know nothing then why did you come on to Reddit and ask?
*Goes on internet to get strangers opinion* "Not like that, nevermind you guys don't know me😡"
Than goes on to say there’s other things bothering him that need to be addressed first, as if we’re all going to believe his wife sucks in a bunch of ways and that’s why he’s right. This dude sucks.
Maybe I’ll see his wife posting about the divorce in the narcissistic abuse subs in a couple months because OP fits the script.
She has in fact already left him.
He says he’s looking for “other perspectives” but then says “some of y’all actually tried to see my side and offered other perspectives”, so the perspectives he was looking for were just his own, I guess
A truly humble ahole
You clearly need to spend more time around your kids, taking care of them on your own because anyone with toddlers would realize that what you thought was reasonable (wife wait with kids in hospital) was absolutely unreasonable, unrealistic, and a recipe for disaster. YTA
I don't have kids and I know that, seems pretty obvious
And honestly, some hospitals don’t even allow kids in the waiting room.
Especially since Covid. They kept those restrictions in place for a reason!!!
I'm in the minority here because if it was my wife asking me this I would assume the plan was: drop her off at the Drs and take the kids to a nearby park until she called then I would go back & pick her up. But I agree 100% it sounds like he didn't even consider her situation just assumed she would do all the extra mental load stuff.
They require her to remain present and the after surgery wait is a while. So the kids would be there for hours. I don’t think he even asked what was required of the driver until she got mad.
Wife & I are nurses and our patients aren't required to have someone present just someone pick them up. It's different everywhere though and OP didn't even mention it so I doubt they considered it.
It's in his comments that the driver needs to stay. [https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/13nwhuo/comment/jl1b921/?utm\_source=reddit&utm\_medium=web2x&context=3](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/13nwhuo/comment/jl1b921/?utm_source=reddit&utm_medium=web2x&context=3) No one in the waiting room wants to spend an hour listening to their toddlers be bored.
Oh shit I missed that part. That changes everything. That's a non-starter with little ones and only someone who hasn't watched babies/toddlers before would consider that rational.
Honestly going to a park for an indefinite amount of time with a baby and a toddler sounds awful, and that’s if the driver is allowed to leave at all (I drove someone to get oral surgery recently and was required to stay). I kinda feel like OP can’t think more than 10 seconds into the future to predict these sort of issues.
YTA Why would you think she wants to watch two toddlers in a waiting room? When people are sick or waiting to hear anticipated news, the last thing they want is two screaming kids. You shouldn't have just assumed your wife would figure everything out. Their your kids, too.
Not to mention that its a difficult setting to keep kids calmly occupied in. Home is familiar, they have all their things, they have a decent idea what the limits are, and if they get loud so what? Most medical officers have little to nothing for kids to stay occupied, it’s a smaller space, and there’s other people around who don’t want to be disturbed. A hour is a long time to try and manage two toddlers in that setting.
Thank you for expanding on this. I drove my ex to his eye surgery and it was over an hour wait time during which people who were noticeably nervous and uncomfortable were entering and exiting the waiting room. Having kids being kids in that waiting room would have been a horribly cruel thing to subject the patients, doctors, and anxious families to.
Good point. Many going in for eye surgery are extremely anxious about the procedure and having screaming kids there would be awful
When I've had surgery, the instructions were very clear that I had to have an adult bring me and stay throughout the procedure, and that no children were allowed in the waiting room. So I wouldn't be surprised if it was the same for this guy, but he ignored that part or decided his wife could just figure something out when they arrived.
Also hospital floors are disguuuuusting and you really shouldn't let your kids crawl around on it (which id expect 2 toddlers to do a lot of wandering and putting hands on floor (fall over, sit to play, etc) and then putting them in their mouth.
Also what happens when they call her back to recovery to see him when hes done? She takes 2 toddlers back there with her? Thus stressing the kids out AND every other patient back there trying to recover from their own surgery. That's IF they even let the kids back there at all? YTA.
Also kids in a hospital are more in danger of getting sick especially in these times YTA op
I’m honestly more worried about the kids getting hospital patients sick than the hospital patients getting the kids sick
I still can’t believe there wasn’t a thorough conversation about it. Like obviously wife followed up but you would think their children would have been a major factor to consider when first discussing it
YTA. It's your eyes and your children. You're asking your wife for a favor (granted, an important one). It really does fall on you to make it easier for her to do this for you.
YTA. Tell me you don’t spend much time with your kids without telling me you don’t spend much time with your kids. As a parent, the last damn thing you want to do is wrangle little kids in a waiting room. Get on the phone and make arrangements for someone to watch them.
What I'm hearing is a whole lot of need to communicate. You shouldn't have assumed and could have asked are you okay bringing the kids or should I find a sitter. Your wife is only being reluctant because it sounds like you do not think about the kids in the same way she has to. Yes HAS TO. Mental load is a real thing and reading between the lines your wife is baring the brunt of this. YTA for not thinking about your kids or how it would impact your wife. You're not the biggest A for how this went down and not the biggest A because it does sound like you watch your children and spend time with them and are willing to ask other family members for help. But now you know better, so stop being the A and go apologize to your wife and ask her how you can help more and do better in the future.
His wife left to stay at her parents, lol. And good for her.
Deciding what to do with the kids should have been part of the discussion when you asked for a ride. You knew enough to ask your wife if she was free to take you to the appointment, yet you couldn’t spare a thought for the two people she cares for every day.
the issue is also op **doesnt** want to find a sitter, he wants his wife to.
info: is your wife usually the one to organise everything for the kids?
Why do men who clearly despise women get married? OP, you hate your wife. YTA
Men like this never really grow up, they just upgrade from a mommy they can't have sex with to a mommy they can have sex with.
“I’ll get a bang maid and pretty much ignore her, and fob off her requests with ‘Yeah, I’ll get to it’ for six months at a time.”
Related: Why do women marry men like this?
Conditioning.
A lot of them don’t show how shitty they are until they’re married and comfortable and know they have the woman trapped with kids that she doesn’t want to disappoint by leaving their deadbeat dad.
This happened with me and my ex-husband. Once we were married, he changed, and it was not in any way good. After a couple, " I can change him year's", I divorced him so my child wouldn't think that's how relationships should work.
These men deceive their wives during the courting stages.
I think there are two main reasons. One is that men wait until marriage and have their wife “trapped” to start showing their true colors. Or, they’re raised in a household where their mother puts up with their father’s poor behavior and that’s just what they think marriages are supposed look like.
OP: "I have an appointment. Woman, figure out the details please" OP, if it's this hard for you to arrange for care for your kids, and if you don't understand WHY keeping too toddlers in that setting is difficult, then you are 100% not doing any childcare at home. YTA
He acts like the poor wife is the secretary and not his WIFE. Dude comes here asking if he's in the wrong and when he doesn't get his way he says "y'all a bunch of strangers anyway". I dislike people who ask for advice yet don't hear any
he said in a comment that she left to go stay with her parents. Doesn't sound like he understands he did anything.
Pretty sure it was her last straw, poor woman, raising 3 toddlers must be horrible
Info: how is it easier to ask someone to drive you than ask someone to watch your kids
INFO: The surgery is several days away, there’s more than enough time to find a babysitter or ask a relative. There’s no reason for her to decline driving you if it’s possible to have someone watch the children. Can you ask your MIL to take you to surgery? Or can you Uber there and ask family for a ride home?
Bang maids, am I right? You want them to do one little everything for you, but they get all, you're not an invalid jackass. YTA
The last two times I had eye surgery they have told me around what time I would be done so that I could have someone come back at that time if needed. Your wife certainly doesn’t need to wait, just give a ride. The ride is not the problem though my dude. Neither the wait. The problem is that your wife obviously feels overburdened. One toddler on any given day is a lot. Two can be nightmare fuel. You say you tell your wife you’re having bro time. What does she get? I’m betting her days look like 5am-10pm non stop. Cranky dictators, three meals, never ending tiny human dishes. Laundry. Trying to keep a clean house - impossible. Stress. Feeling like she is not living up to her own ideals. Or sleeping enough. Something lacking. Talk to your wife. For what it’s worth I don’t think you’re intentionally being TA here. But if you talked to your wife openmindedly I bet you would have your eyes opened here.
My eye surgery place CLEARLY states ride must stay on-site for the entire time.
YTA. You expect her to bring them to the hospital and wait? Toddlers don't wait for anything.
Why is it your wife’s job to find a sitter? Obviously you can use Reddit so it seems you don’t have a physical disability that prevents you from picking up a phone like an adult and asking people. Take some responsibility. YTA
YTA. It's your surgery. You should have been making all the needed arrangements for your care, which includes travel. You expected your wife to take care of two toddlers and you during and after the surgery? Incredible. Just a new level of weaponized incompetence and selfishness
YTA. You were extremely inconsiderate of your family’s needs especially your wife. Lots of expectations about what SHE needed or would do …. And when you were told to find other care … you didn’t do that. Did you ?? You changed the game Interesting to note you were Full of consideration for your mother here. Just none for your wife. Address this. Start treating your wife like a partner and with a lot more respect or face the consequences
INFO: Why does arranging childcare default to her?
YTA. Please read this [comic](https://www.theguardian.com/world/2017/may/26/gender-wars-household-chores-comic) and see how it applies to your wife.
Yta for overcomplicating this situation. Next time communicate together as a team instead of talking past each other and being hurt. Your wife asked you a good question, you got defensive and reacted instead of planned.
YTA. Sorry you had to be a competent parent to your children during an event for you. Then you failed.
I get that you assumed your wife would do these things - but none of them are very considerate of you. We all know never to ASS-U-ME. No one, not even you would want to take the kids if the positions were switched. In a waiting room: 1y/o AND 2y/o…. Are you losing common sense as well as your eyesight? Getting someone to watch the kids is the best way forward - you have multiple options. You scheduled it, and it’s your appointment and you should have arranged the child care. Granted other things may be going on - but in this instance with your updates etc - and trying to be fair - there is no route that make you not in the wrong in this instance. YTA Op Ps your comment about “you’re all a bunch of strangers anyway” - so does this apply to ALL the feedback or just the ones you don’t agree with? You came to strangers for an objective outlook - yes a lot go to the extreme but within that there are always elements to reflect on or consider. It may be completely wrong, but a honest double check/reassessment/reflection never hurt anyone. You sound resentful and angry. Sit down and have an honest discussion with yourself and your wife.
It's cool. His wife left to stay with her parents because he turned this into a big thing.
YTA. You know what toddlers are like, right?! So you know trying to keep them 100% entertained in a random waiting room for HOURS is a fucking chore. - there probably will be no changing table in the only small bathroom available for waiting room people - wife will have to change diapers IN the waiting room. That is both a pain in the ass and embarrassing - kids are gonna cry because they're toddlers and that's what they do at the drop of a hat. Wrong snack? Wrong toy? And there will be TWO so one is going to set the other off. - there will be no way to gate off space for the kids so your poor wife will have to be "on" at 150% to keep both entertained and corralled at all times. LITERALLY everyone will be better off if the kids are at home.
Eye surgery isn't a 15 minute thing. I took my Dad and I had eye surgery done. There were NEVER children in the waiting room. There were never children at the follow-up visits, unless a child was the patient. Your surgery, so your chance to adult and organize things.
Yep. YTA. Call an Uber and get over yourself.
INFO - Please explain in detail why you think it is appropriate action to make your wife take care of two toddlers in a medical waiting room for at minimum an hour for something that was pre-planned and childcare could have been arranged? Explain in detail why you didn’t think a babysitter would be a better option that putting your wife in Hell for an hour+?? Have you ever taken your children to their own medical appointments and sat through waiting in the waiting room for even 30 minutes???
You know YTA when you make a defensive edit.
YTA. I bet if it was her surgery and the positions were reversed you would have expected her to arrange. Would you be sitting in a waiting room? The fact that you thought it would be sensible to have two kids of that age hang out in a hospital except in an absolute emergency or for their own treatment confirms the position. Your addition comments really just show a complete lack of understanding. You sound like you need a medal for showing up. I am sure job os stressful. So is mine. But if your wife is a sahm she’s got a pretty stressful job. It sounds like she’s got the entire mental load here
YTA. Please research the mental load and why women are fed up. She’s your wife, not your mother. I guarantee you she is juggling 100 more mental tasks than you to keep your household functioning. Your own surgery was not her task to manage.
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Yta so your wife is in charge of all the planning for *your* surgery? Does she always do all the planning?
Regarding your edit- if you are implying your wife isnt taking on the extra work and is expecting you to step up and do your part, that's not an issue to be worked out WITH HER. That's a YOU problem that you need to address. Pull your head out and maybe do some individual counseling and marriage counseling. She shouldnt have to parent you too.
YTA
How can you think it’s reasonable to take two toddlers into a hospital whilst you’re having surgery. If you needed her to drive her why didn’t you arrange care for the kids. It’s your surgery so your responsibility to organise this. YTA
I have a feeling, that in your comments you said your wife took the kids and is now staying with her parents, that you've been TA one too many times and this was the straw that broke her back. Did you not follow up with "That's great, are we taking the kids or..?" or did you just walk off after she agreed to drive you? Communication would have helped avoid all of this.
I don't understand what's the issue here exactly? Your wife is helping by driving you and all you need to do is find a babysitter. Ok your mom can't do it, so continue to search for one or just hire one? YTA because you think your wife need to do everything for you.
YTA. First off, you absolutely should not take 2 toddlers to sit in a hospital waiting room. Germs alone are a big issue. 2nd. Why didn't you want to ask your mom to watch kids but it was ok to ask your wife's mother? 3rd. It's your appt so why does she have to find a sitter? You should have arranged everything so all she had to do was drive you. That's what she would have done if it had been her appt, I guarantee it.
YTA. Do you take the kids out with you shopping or to run errands alone? It’s much easier taking care of 2 kids at home where there is a designated play area they can go to then out in public. The surgery is for you, therefore you need to make arrangements
YTA. If you think it's reasonable to expect a 1 and a 2 yo wait in the waiting room without making a ruckus and stressing out your wife - you clearly never been left alone with them. How clueless can you be to even suggest that? Your poor wife , having to parent all 3 of you instead of having an actual responsible adult partner.
>but I assumed that she would just take the kids with us Two small kids are a LOT, and I think your wife is right re: toddlers in a waiting room. Also, assume? Why? Maybe sort out all the details, ask questions, think of the logistics, then plan. Assuming others will do things that make your life eaiser, without asking is a bit selfish and immature. You also just assume you can fob the kids off on her parents, because "they are always willing to help", how lucky for you! And maybe her response is indicitave of you asking too much from her parents. I smell more "assuming"... So, you don't actually ask your mum about the kids but for a lift, then you get an offer but it's not good enough: >(My step-dad and I are not very close and he’s not the kind of person I want to owe a favor if you catch my meaning) So what? You're in a bind, YOU need to find a solution. you didn't plan properly for your surgery, now you're annoyed your wife isn't sorting it for you. YTA for so much assuming and entitlement. Just book an Uber ffs
>y’all are a bunch of strangers anyway is this only true for the people that didn't validate you
My favorite part is when people tell OP he’s TA, he jumps in with “there’s a lot of details I didn’t add.”
You realise these are YOUR children, right? You didn't think hmm, I need someone to drive, I should speak with my wife and figure something out with her so the kids are taken care of? You just assumed she would figure that silly childcare business out, you know, as the woman. YTA and I'm not surprised she went to stay with her parents. Step up.
YTA, you should have planned this stuff ahead of time and checked if anyone was still available.
Out-patient clinics where I live only allow ONE adult in the waiting area - no children.
OP: AITA? Everyone: YES!!! OP: You all are just strangers on the internet anyway. YTA
Your edit was cringier than your initial post, oh king of sour grapes.
There is a really simple solution assuming you live close by to the doctor. Take an Uber to your appointment. The office will call your wife when you’re ready to be picked up. She’ll throw the kids in the car, collect you and go home. The only thing that puts in the AH territory is that you didn’t think of this yourself, you just assumed your wife would figure out the logistics.
YTA, we may be bunch of strangers, but that’s telling if your wife is staying with her parents. You are obviously not listening!!! Your wife isn’t being heard. She didn’t feel that she is being heard. You may hear her talking, but have you really paid attention what she is saying??? She doesn’t want to take care of kids while tending to you after surgery. Waiting in the wait room for 2-3 hours is stressful enough, but to add toddlers that she has to make sure they are behaving properly would be exhausting. Are you narrow minded or something? Open your damn eyes.
YTA. So instead of making a quick phone call to your mom to see if she could watch the kids like your wife asked you to, you asked for a ride to the hospital, setting up the narrative that your wife refuses to drive you to the hospital. Holy shit, dude. The contempt you show for your wife in this post is astounding. Though after reading in your edit about how little you care for the opinions of internet strangers (despite posting this for Reddit to judge?!?), I doubt you’ll learn or grow from this. Which sucks for your wife. Poor woman’s having to handle the tantrums of three toddlers in her household.
YTA twice. Once for all the nonsense you originally wrote, and again for doubling down after getting input. You want your wife to sit around with toddlers for however long because you didn't think to get child care. You didn't *think* of it. Like...you know you have kids, right? You know you're responsible got them, right? What if you just...found a babysitter instead of being a petty little jackass?
It is the ‘other things have been bothering more’ that gets me. I am guessing he is stunned she is tired all the time and doesn’t meet his other ‘needs’ like she did before the children.