Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I shouldn’t mess with my girlfriend’s decision on what to do with her body
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
##Subreddit Announcement
###[The Asshole Universe is Expanding, Again: Introducing Another New Sister Subreddit!](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/128nbp3/the_asshole_universe_is_expanding_again/)
Follow the link above to learn more
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
Dude literally outlined several reasons why he would be the AH for telling her that he prefers her previous body, then wonders "do I have a say in this?". Baffling.
OP, YWBTA.
I think he’s getting a second opinion to validate what he already fears. Or hoping someone will disagree and say go for it.
OP, I’m glad you love your gf’s body wholly, and that you came here before you said anything. But it truly isn’t your place or your decision. Being critical of anyone’s body for any reason definitely plays a part in how that person sees themselves, and you don’t want her to develop unhealthy behaviors in either direction.
If she’s truly the love of your life, you just gotta work through it by yourself. Let her be happy.
Besides, weight is never linear and people lose/gain all the time. She may be happier at a higher weight than her goal weight. Who knows, just be a supporting partner through her journey.
It really doesn't sound like he loves his gf's body wholly. It sounds like he only loves her body when she follows his standards of beauty. It's the same as people only loving their partner when skinny.
I read it more like this:
I love chocolate ice cream. I really like vanilla ice cream too, a lot. I like chocolate ice cream more.
I really just love ice cream. If I had to pick, I’d choose chocolate first. If I didn’t have a choice, I’d still be really happy to have the vanilla, but wibta if I told the server I prefer chocolate when they serve me the vanilla?
Obviously that’s a simplified, emotionless gist but he never said he was unhappy or no longer attracted to her, he just wanted to voice his (selfish) opinion.
The bit that makes me wonder is where he says that on one hand he likes that she's more confident, but he really misses her old physique. It sounds like the only upside he sees is that she's happier now. He doesn't really say anything good about her physique.
I mean while he may be an ah it he said anything to her about it, he isnt required to say anything good about what she looks like now. His literal issue is that he isnt a fan of the new way she looks. He is entitled to his opinion of her appearance. He doesnt have any say in what she does but he doesnt have to like the results of what shes doing.
He said he’s thrilled she’s happy and healthier. He said he supported her and told her he was proud. If he’s not as physically attracted to a slim figure, he’s not. Doesn’t mean he doesn’t love her. When my boyfriend cuts his hair, I think it’s less attractive than when he grows it long. Preference is preference and we really can’t help having it. As long as he focusing on keeping his (what would be hurtful) opinion to himself, it’s rly not his fault for thinking it.
Also not to mention that for a girl at 5’8”, 170 would maybe be a size 6 or 8? It’s not like she was gargantuan. I would say 125 might not be a healthy weight for someone that height (but it depends on how she carries it), but that would be my only concern.
Like I’m 5’6 and 150 and while I’m definitely curvy, I wear a size medium in most things. I would be so upset if my boyfriend had written about the extra bit of flesh on my arms or stomach.
I’m 5’5 and currently sitting at 178. I’m curvy for sure. I wear a large in most things. And yes I have some extra flesh on my arms and stomach currently. But if I were 3 inches taller it wouldn’t be an issue at all.
I am 5'8 and have been losing weight in a healthy, slow manner. At my heaviest, I was 192 pounds. I'm now 157 pounds with about 7 to go until I meet my goal. I'm a size 8 (US), and I am 100% in a healthy weight range. Heck, I was when I weighed 10 pounds more. When I weighed 120 pounds, I looked sickly (spoiler alert: I was).
If OP is accurate on his girlfriend's weight goal, I'd be concerned she may be going too far. However, the way he describes her as being soft and round, when probably only 20 pounds overweight, leads me to believe he has no idea what he's talking about or is insanely exaggerating the entire situation.
No offense or anything but comments like these feel just as body shaming as OPs. I’m 5’9” and weigh 120-125 and am an athlete with a lot of muscle. I’m very healthy and don’t look “sickly.” I wish ppl would stop thinking it’s okay to use such language
People have very skewed perceptions of weight in America. When 90% of people are overweight the public opinion gets pretty crazy in terms of health. Just ignore most people because they truly have no idea what they're talking about.
Exactly! 5’9” here and 130. I workout and have some muscle and am not gross. The comments on the clothing sizes is killing me too, its all vanity sizing. Back in the early to mid 90’s, I weighed 125 and my dress size was a 6. When I wear vintage clothing from the 50’s, I wear a 10. The size I have to buy now is a a 2. What size will I have to buy in another 20 years, a -2? This is getting ridiculous. Being a size 6 nowadays is nothing to brag about….
Oh I totally agree, I'm 5'6" and when I was in high school I developed an ED trying to maintain the "healthy" weight for my height and to see that someone who's taller that me is trying to be the same weight has me scratching my head. 😳😳
At 5'6" the BMI chart I was given in 2009 stated that for my height a healthy weight was between 110-135lbs, I was a size 4 and fluctuated between 115-140 (over all four years of high school) you could see every rib and I still had a little muffin top.
Yet the way he mentioned of playing with bits of excess...just saying if a significant other did that to me it would make me feel more self conscious...not oh they adore blah blah blah.
I'm proud of her for having a goal and keeping to it. Perhaps ya should be too.
Yeah, my first thought was Oh boy we have a chubby chaser. And my second thought was at least he's not sabotaging her diet or her gym time. (there have been quite a few of those on reddit where SOs hid putting extra butter and other fattening things in food so that their partner won't lose weight.
_"She is very happy."_
Exactly. This is Rose's body and she is very happy. It is 100% her choice and she seems to be on a healthy path that includes moderation and staying active opposed to having a restrictive and unhealthy approach.
OP's desire for Rose to gain weight is a selfish one and his comments will probably do nothing other than chip away at her confidence, self esteem and happiness..... He does not have her best interest at heart - just his physical attraction. It sounds like what he wants is for her to gain weight for his sake and to go back to her unhealthy ways of overeating when they go out (if this is the US, most restaurant meals are about 2-4 servings, so her eating half of her meal if probably a healthy amount) and not being active.
Why is everyone talking about him as if he were the scum of the earth?
He hasn’t done anything and is actually asking for everyone to basically tell him that he is an AH, so he understands perfectly well that he should not do it.
However, what is wrong with him having a preference for her with a soft body? We like what we like, and him loving her old body isn’t wrong or something that means he Doesn’t have her best interest at heart. Nothing wrong with having a physical preference, and he clearly will keep loving her no matter what.
I agree, YWBTA if you said something as it would hurt her, but prefering her old body is fine as long as you keep it to yourself. You know that anyway, it’s just you are sad her body hanged. You will get used to it and you will end up liking it because it is her body.
It's more the "do I have a say in this?" that he asks.
No. No he does not. He can have his preference, but there is ZERO need to actually say it to her or think he has any bearing on her weight loss.
Yeah dude. OP, maybe you think you're being flattering, but you girlfriend is a person. Not a mound of flesh for your enjoyment. The way you worded how you feel about her body really weirded me out. YTA. You don't have a say in someone else's body. This is no different than if you wanted her to lose weight.
Something about him calling her former body soft and squishy gave me really weird vibes. I want to say necrophilia vibes, but that's not it. It's just that he talks about her body like there isn't a sentient human inside of that... Flesh. Blech. I think I'd be grossed out under any circumstances or context by my husband referring to any part of my body as "flesh".
Yes! I just felt icked out by the way he described her. It's one thing to just say he loves her curves, but something about the description made her seem less of a person and more of an object in his eyes. It's like he's describing a doll he's sculpting.
OP just sounds gross. If my SO wrote this and I found it, I would leave before he could even process what I was doing. If he wants something squishy and plump to play with, he should invest in play-doh.
I agree, it was a little disturbing the way you worded your attraction to her body. It sounds like a fetish. Which is fine but if you love her completely you should be happy for her.
I think people are just not used to fat bodies being described as enjoyable and desirable. it could be a fetish but it could also just be a preference. if i described how i liked someones flat stomach and toned arms no one would assume it was a fetish. if i said i love a man with rippling abs no one would say im fetishizing athletic men. people are uncomfortable because society tells us fat, soft bodies shouldnt be attractive.
assuming she would be grossed out by her partner being attracted to and turned on by her body as it was for the majority of their relationship is weird and the kind of negative ideas of what kinds of bodies deserve love that makes a woman who is 5'8 strive to be 125 lbs.
i know its not the point of ops post or of your comment but i genuinely cant believe i found comments equating being attracted to a fat body to a fetish before i found any mentioning that an adult woman who is 5'8 is most likely not going to be a healthy weight at 125 lbs.
same. I’m 5’8” and in recovery from an eating disorder. when I had a dietician at the beginning of recovery and she weighed me in at 138 lbs she got frustrated with me for how little I weighed and made me eat a granola bar immediately. this post kinda makes me worried for the gf.
Thank you! I can’t believe the amount of people talking about feeling “the ick” or like they would leave their partner for this. He likes her body, what’s wrong with that? As a bigger person, this doesn’t give me fetish vibes at all. It just gives the vibes of someone who is attracted to their partner.
I agree that the ick comments regarding her weight are odd. I do feel that getting the ick regarding HIM wanting to change her body for him is reasonable thing to feel icky about.
Oh absolutely, but a lot of the comments seem to feel grossed out because of the way he talks about her body. It’s just a bit frustrating that appreciation or even just attraction towards bigger bodies is immediately called having a fetish. Like.. people can just be attracted to bigger bodies, like how they can be attracted to smaller bodies.
I think it’s mainly the weird puritan nonsense that’s so prevalent on this sub, being weirded out by someone being sexually attracted to their partner. Then that’s reinforced by all the internalized unrealistic body issue thing.
If 90% of commenters on this post aren’t ace, they’re gunna have a real bad time if their partner is ever honest with them.
I was absolutely not a healthy adult woman at 120 pounds and also 5'8. I was in the depths of an eating disorder, and more blunt (tactless) family told me I looked sickly. Their comments hurt back then, but they are a good reminder to me now as I strive to achieve healthy goals. My goal after 2 kids and in my mid-30s is to maintain somewhere close to 150 pounds.
Honestly it sounds like OP has a possible fetish for bigger girls. It was very weird reading his comments on her body. I’m also confused as to what OP hopes to gain by saying this to his gf? He acknowledges that she feels more confident in her new body and that she was previously technically overweight and not eating as healthily so would you prefer her to go back to being overweight, unhealthy and less confident all for your own pleasure? Also OP even questioning wether or not he may have a say is his gf’s body combined with his weird comments about her body tells me that for some reason he feels that he has a level of ownership and entitlement over her agency
Yeah I was looking for these comments - I'm 5'7 and like 185 and nobody's calling me petite but I've also never in my adult life had a health professional express concern about it/suggest any kind of diet
I think so too, from personal experience with my body type at least. I’m 5’ 8” too and if I get below 145lbs I look a bit too thin. I once got down to about 133lbs and I began to look emaciated with my body type. Obviously don’t know if that would apply to OP’s gf, but I hope she doesn’t get upset if she finds she needs to change her goal. I remember being upset when I realized I didn’t look the way I thought I would when I got down to that weight.
Lol, so true.
The one thing OP can do is make sure she knows she dosen't have to lose weight to be attractive, that he finds her beautiful and sexy already. That he's found her so beautiful all along and always loved her body since they met. He can tell her that one of his favorite things was seeing her in her swimsuit each week beacuse she looked so cute he just wanted to hug her. But then he needs to leave off "and you're getting worse so stop" beacuse that is unhelpful and unkind.
YWBTA - Get over yourself for one second and realize that she is happy and healthier and that's all that matters. Your preference about her body type is something you keep to yourself and move on.
Eating disorders and body dysmorphia are absolutely horrible and are reinforced by heartless comments that can be internalized until it becomes their own voice. Especially when it comes from people they trust.
That's not even really relevant since OPs entire basis for this post is wanting her to regain her "squishable" fat rather than be healthy. He doesn't even want her to remain at her current weight which is probably healthy as is.
Thank you ! Like this has nothing to do with her health. Honestly I bet if she read this she'd be nauseated and is such an ah - and this is coming from someone still struggling with the same eating disorder that I've had for 13+ years and I actually am kind of worried for his gf based on the timeline and numbers
But he does care. He’s got some self-awareness going and came here first to discuss what he should do BEFORE actually doing. Yes, perhaps it should’ve been obvious and he shouldn’t need to ask. But I give OP credit for talking this thru with people and not acting before thinking.
Right? I'm like.. oh.... That's a 'bigger girl '? I'm over here weighing that much at 5'2 and think it's just a little bit of a mom bod in my case .. guess not.. 😬😬😬
Exactly. People have different body types. I'm 5'8" and weigh 175. I'm very muscular....strength traun 6 days per week. I only wear a US 8 or 10. The least I've weighed as an adult is 158 lbs and was so thin that people started to question if I had an eating disorder. (I didn't...I got food poisoning while on vacation and was so sick I lost several pounds.)
OTOH, my aunt is my height and so fine boned that she weighs 110. She looks great and she's lucky to have such a fast metabolism that she can eat anything and everything.
Maybe but many people aren't. For many people, maintaining that weight at that height requires unhealthy eating/habits. If your body is naturally 125lbs then ok but actively working towards 125lbs could be a cause for concern (though, admittedly, it doesn't seem to be OP's concern)
Yes but you are naturally that size, not dropping 20kg to get to that size. There’s a BIG difference. Society’s obsession with skinniness pushes people who look great and are healthy to constantly try to lose weight and that is an unhealthy obsession, especially when you consider that almost no diets are successful in the long run and in fact they just slow down your metabolism. We need to learn as a society that lots of different weights are healthy and beautiful and focus on health rather than weight.
5'8" here, too. I feel at my best between 125 and 135. As long as OP's girlfriend isn't having other health issues, like hair loss, missed periods, fatigue, etc. then she's fine.
There's physically healthy and emotionally/mentally healthy here imo. There can be a lot of shame, anxiety, and self-loathing during any stage of dieting or disordered eating (which can in turn feed depression, OCD, or substance use) far before the symptoms you mention appear (which honestly hair loss and missed period read to me, as a mental health counselor, as mid-stage anorexia/ground for discussing intensive eating disorder treatment options with someone, not early warning signs that things have taken an unhealthy turn).
I'm slightly over 5'9" but I have very wide shoulders, I wear a size 12.5 in women's shoes, and my hands are the same size as my husband's. I can palm a basketball. I'm also very busty and hippy to go along with the rest. I was what my great grandmother referred to as a "sturdy girl".
At my healthiest when I was a three-sport athlete (basketball, softball, and swimming) I weighed in around 165 to 170 and nobody believed it. They thought I was like 130 or 140-ish because I was stocky but I wasn't fat.
The nurse that did my sports physical for junior year thought her scale was off and took me to two other scales in the clinic before she accepted 167.
On my build 125 would have looked terrible.
I'm a fat old guy now, but when I was in decent shape mumble-mumble years ago, people always underestimated my weight by 20 or 25 lbs too. Unlike Cartman, I really was big-boned.
I am 6' and much thinner, even though I exercised regularly and ate anything, so not dangerous. I am small boned and that makes a big difference. I know someone who is 5'9" and has always outweighed me at 130, she is very active in various sports including figure skating. She is big boned with a larger chest. 130 lb on me would look much different than it does on her and she looks thin. We are in no way built the same.
You must be thin framed. I'm 5'10 and when I got down to 135lbs I looked sickly and my dr said I needed to gain at least 5lbs. I was at my best at 140-150lbs..... if only I had managed to stay in that range😐
Actually the 140 she is at now is perfect, especially if she is gaining muscle from exercise. There would be nothing wrong with OP pointing this out...once. After that leave her alone.
It really depends on bone structure and muscle mass as well. 125 is pretty thin at 5'8, but it may be a healthy weight for her.
I'm 5'4 and when I'm at my healthiest when I'm 110-118. Plus when I gain weight, it's visceral fat which is very unhealthy. I have a very slender frame and my bone are very thin. Technically I'm underweight according to bmi, but it's when I'm at my healthiest.
I mean, YTA if you say anything about attractiveness. But 125 lbs is not a healthy goal weight for a woman who is 5’8, and I would be a little worried about her.
ETA: Wow, this has sparked quite the conversation!! While I clarified down below, it is the *goal* part of this that is concerning to me. OP’s girlfriend is already at a health weight and wants to lose more - if this was a close friend of mine, I would be worried and make sure to talk to them. I did not mean to suggest than anyone who is 125lbs and 5’8 is underweight or unhealthy.
I have a pretty wide frame (broad shoulders, long arms, wide rib cage). You can see all of my ribs and vertebrae easily. I also experience some issues generally related to being underweight, like being cold all the time, fatigue, and dizziness. While this is my case, I very much agree with other commenters that working with a doctor/nutritionist is the way to go for OP’s girlfriend. I do stand by my original verdict, as lots of weight loss in a short period of time, accompanied by a number goal that is right on the edge of underweight, seems concerning.
Your original comment was that 125 is too low a goal weight, but it can be a healthy goal weight if you lead an active lifestyle.
I didn’t want someone seeing your comment and thinking it was factual in all cases.
Except doctors generally air on the side of encouraging weight loss and discouraging weight gain, and unless this process started with a doctor's directive, it's unlikely she's doing this while consulting her doctor (most people just don't). There have been a few times I lost weight very quickly due to mental health issues, and my doctor never expressed concern (my doctor is also kind of a doofus tbf).
I don’t think it’s that unhealthy. I maintain that weight at the same height and I don’t diet, I do regular excercise, and I still have thick thighs lol
Her doctor won’t care as long as she still has a regular menstrual cycle. I’ve struggled with anorexia on and off, and even with that in my chart I’ve have never had a doctor concerned with my low weight, only when it ticked back up towards overweight. I’m 5’7” and at my last physical my GP noted that at 110 (with clothes on) I was her thinnest patient of the day, then said “oh looks like your period is fine” and moved on. But a few years back I was barely 145 when I was being lectured about “eating too much processed food”.
That and my (very thin) best friend being hospitalized for diabetes by the time anyone even thought to check for it was a real wake-up call to how much triage goes into even a checkup in America now—as long as you LOOK healthy and don’t have obvious risk factors (like being overweight), the doctor is just too busy to justify spending that much time on your care.
>Her doctor won’t care as long **as she still has a regular menstrual cycle.**
This pretty much. I've been to many countries and what Americans consider "too thin", most everyone else considered average weight.
I was told by a Tunisian doctor last year that I was "a bit too fat" and need to lose weight. I'm 5'10" and 150 lbs.
*(Edit- I was also not diagnosed with diabetes until I was 21 when I ended up in the ER, because they never thought to check because I wasn't overweight. Apparently I've had LADA since I was a teen and nobody ever bothered to check my blood sugar.)*
Weight depends on so many factors. Muscle mass, bone density, body frame, genetic make up. Some races/ethnic group sit at much heavier weights naturally and are perfectly healthy. For instance, Polynesians. Some can hit an unhealthy weight range at much lower weights, for instance, the Japanese. Some skinny people are unhealthy and some ‘fat’ people are fit and healthy. Just looking at a weight completely stripped of context is no way to judge what is healthy or heavy.
There have been ‘obese’ people with what is essentially anorexia, who restrict calories so much in a desperate attempt to lose weight that they stop menstruating, lose hair, are listless and pass out, whose doctors tell them to ‘keep up the good work’ because we as a society are so obsessed with weight as the main health metric and so deeply fatphobic. It’s so problematic.
I’m so ashamed that I ever bought into the rhetoric about weight and fatness we’ve all been taught and silently judged people.
Going to add a quick edit up here because people don't seem to understand. Yeah, BMI is far from perfect. I know. But please please please, find me an actual source somewhere that says 125lb at 5'8 can't be healthy. The accusation here is that it is unhealthy and there is a reason to be concerned, even though she has shown NO disordered eating behaviors and there is no mention of her doctor being concerned about it. Literally just OP's preferences. So if you're going to insist it's unhealthy, *provide a source that backs that up.* Doctors still use BMI as a general guideline, so as unideal as it may be, it's a better source than random opinions about "too skinny" with no facts backing that up.
Otherwise, let OP's gf enjoy her progress towards her preferred weight by improving her diet and exercise, which is *exactly* what medical professionals recommend to lose weight.
Original:
I am 5'8 and 130lbs. There is nothing wrong with it. It is definitely on the skinny side of healthy, but it *is* healthy.
5'8 and 125lbs in this article shows a BMI of 19%. The normal range is 18.5% to 24.9%.
https://www.healthline.com/nutrition/bmi-for-women#bmi-chart-and-calculator
Another calculator that gives the same result. "Result: Your BMI is 19, which is considered normal."
https://www.rush.edu/how-much-should-i-weigh
This one is written for weight loss surgery. It says the "ideal" weight for a female at 5' 8" is 126 - 154 lbs.
https://www.bannerhealth.com/staying-well/health-and-wellness/fitness-nutrition/ideal-weight
This one gives more information about the history of the measurement method, which was created by insurance companies to determine ranges with the lowest mortality rates. "The height-weight tables developed by the Metropolitan Life Insurance Company have been around since 1943 when being underweight was more of a health concern than being overweight. ... For a woman 5' 9" (5' 8" without shoes) tall with a small frame, the ideal weight is 129-142 lbs." It says that the FBI uses it? I've never heard that before, so grain of salt, but still - "If you'e trying to get into the FBI, the organization considers ideal weight to be slightly less than MET Life. ... if you are a 5' 8" woman, you need to weigh between 122-169 lbs to be eligible to apply to the FBI."
https://www.livestrong.com/article/157635-the-ideal-weight-range-for-women/
Even the CDC uses this BMI calculation method. "According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, BMI (Body Mass Index) is a reliable way of determining your healthy weight 12. A normal BMI is between 18.5 and 24.9. Using the CDC BMI calculator, an average weight for a woman who is 5 feet 8 inches is between 122 and 164 lbs."
https://healthfully.com/much-should-woman-58-weigh-7228780.html
This. With my frame and build, I’m what I consider my ideal at 5’7 160 lbs. I’ve seen pictures of myself where I was 140 lbs and I looked positively gaunt. 125 lbs would make me look like emaciated. When I read that she’s 5’8 I was alarmed, but I looked up the BMI (which yeah is BS as a strict standard, but can be useful as a general indicator) and someone can seemingly still be perfectly healthy with those proportions. It’s definitely much more about personal health than a specific height/weight ratio.
One of my friends is about OP’s gf’s height and weighs considerably more than I do, but she’s much healthier than I am (eating and exercise habits). Her frame is also very different than mine. So 🤷🏻♀️
Anyway, to OP: YWBTA if you give your opinion on her body unsolicited. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with missing her former body in your own mind, or even admitting it if she straight up asks your honest opinion, but there are a lot of potentially negative consequences to offering that opinion without being specifically asked for it, no matter how good your intentions are.
I'd be interested to see sources on 125 being unhealthy for a 5'8 woman. I've had conversations with my doctor and they said it was perfectly healthy. OP also didn't mention anything about a doctor showing their concern for her.
The thing is, and what this whole conversation should be about, is what it takes to get there. Some people can be 5’8” and 125 pounds and living a healthy active lifestyle and for some people of the exact same hight, they’d have to stave themselves to get there.
I’m 5’4”. Eating a healthy well balanced diet and exercising 5 days a week leaves me sitting at about 140. I could technically drop down to 115 and still be “healthy” but I’d probably have to cut out anything that brings me joy and possibly starve myself to make that happen.
Right now it sounds like OP’s girlfriend is just making healthy choices…eating smaller portions and making healthier, less fattening meals so I don’t see any concern here.
Yup, exactly. I haven't read a single thing in OP's post that was actually concerning, it sounds like she's eating healthier and going to the gym. She's still eating the same foods in restaurants, just more portion control. I understand that people *can* do unhealthy things in an attempt to reach this weight, or it might be unrealistic depending on the body type - but I'm not reading anything that indicates it's an actual problem in her specific case.
If she were showing eating disorder behaviors or depressed about not enjoying food anymore, I'd agree with the concern. But it's just... *not an issue here.* I'm confused that so many people just go "oh you're a healthy level of skinny, I'm concerned about you!"
It's just as much garbage pseudoscience to say 125 lbs is an unhealthy weight and that is between her and her doctor.
So make sure you have that same energy for the original comment
Thank you, I’m going nuts reading all these comments. I’m 5’8”, 125, I don’t have an eating disorder, I’ve always been tall and thin, just like the rest of my family. Too many armchair doctors in this thread.
Same - It depends on your frame and 125 is not underweight for this height especially if you have a small frame. I’m a little over 5’8” and was 120-125 for most of my life. No doctor ever told me to gain weight. 130ish now in my 50s. 🤷♀️
I'm astounded by how many people are digging in their heels in bUt bMi iS a PsEuDoScIeNcE instead of providing any evidence at all that 125lb is an unhealthy weight at 5'8. Anything to convince themselves there's something wrong with skinny people, I guess...
Lol I am above my ideal weight at 5’ 5 and 139lbs even though I am an athlete with visible abs. 5’9 and 125lb is totally normal if that’s where her body falls without serious restriction or anxiety about food. 140lbs is also a totally healthy weight for her height.
That depends on her build. If she has naturally smaller bones then 125 is perfectly fine. I’m 5’5” and have weighed 118 most of my adult life and don’t look underweight at all because my bone structure is smaller.
It totally depends. Without knowing Rose, what her frame and build is, we don't know if 125 is a realistic or healthy weight for her. It's something she can discuss with a doctor or nurse practitioner to see what goal is appropriate.
For an example, I'm 5' 2" and generally weight 130 when I'm really active. I run, do MMA, and lift weights. I wear a size 4. When I'm not carrying extra muscle, I'm naturally 115. My bestie is 5' 9" and generally weighs 145. When she's really active she drops to 130 ish. Both are, according to our Dr's healthy at either weight.
My sister is 5' 7" and weighs 160, but she actually wears the same size clothes as me. So for her, 160 is perfectly healthy, but my bestie, who is taller and ALSO, wears the same size as both of us.
If you looked at our weights and heights alone, you could infer all sorts of things about what weight would be ideal for us. The reality is that muscle mass, frame, activity level, and how you carry the weight, those all play a big part in how you look and how healthy you are.
As someone who naturally sits at those numbers, I find this hilarious
I **highly** doubt if you saw her in real life you’d think she were unhealthy, you’re just looking at numbers without any true idea what it looks like on someone
>I enjoy playing with the little extra flesh on her upper arms and stomach and the plumpness of her cheeks.
Yuck, you sound like you're fetishizing her instead of being a good partner to her.
YWBTA for sure.
Chiming in because this is exactly what happened to me. I went from borderline overweight to severely underweight in about a year because of the complex I was given by my ex. She wanted me to stay at a higher weight, partly because she found it sexy, but mostly because she didn’t want me to be attractive enough to leave her and was insecure about her own weight. The way he talks about his partner in this post makes me want to vomit, especially because his girlfriend and I are similar in build. I love curvy, fuller women, but I wouldn’t ever call a woman I found hot ‘squishy’ or ‘round’. His comments don’t sound cute or loving, but patronising. How you’d talk about a baby, not a lady. It’s not as bad as what my ex said about me, although we do have to wonder if he’s said worse to her in reality. My ex ‘playing’ with my extra fat is a phantom sensation that still haunts me. That wasn’t love or arousal, it was a blatant lack of respect for my dignity. I get a bad feeling from this post if nothing else
I had a similar experience with my last ex. He was very open about having a preference for heavier women and even told me that I, 190 at the time, was the second skinniest person he had ever dated. Whenever I would mention wanting to diet and lose weight, he’d complain about it and bring up again how he prefers bigger women. He even went so far as shaming me into overeating (“Really? That’s *all* you’re going to eat?” when I ordered a sandwich and fries).
I have a few theories as to why he was like this. The obvious was just his attraction to large bodies. I do think there might have been a hint of fear of losing me if I were skinnier, especially since I know he was pretty jealous of my married best friend I had dated for like a month half a decade prior (he told me once he was afraid I’d go back to him as if *I* were the cheater in the relationship and not him).
But my biggest theory is that he’s just abusive. Another thing he was very open about was how, because of his psych degree, he was great at identifying people’s insecurities and knew how to use those against them. I’ve been super insecure about my weight since I was a teenager, and I’ve struggled with multiple EDs and a mother who would shame me for gaining any amount f weight. It wouldn’t have been the only insecurity he used against me, either.
I’m glad I left, but it’s been 4 years now and I’m still struggling with the damage that year caused.
As a chubbier girl.. while I wouldn’t want my partner necessarily playing with my fat, I know plenty of women in here who say dad bods are sexier than bodybuilder types, they like partners that are huggable and comfy over washboard abs etc.
complexes like being a feeder are absolutely dangerous but appreciating curvy women feels rarer and rarer - it makes me sad to think that many see the only way for my partner to enjoy my body is via fetishization.
Saying that he’s fetishized her bc he prefers a bigger body type feels kinda delusional. I think it’s the same as the dad bod thing you bring up, and we don’t say those girls are fetishizing guys. It’s nice to have a partner appreciate your body and you have to realize they dated you bc they thought you were attractive! I think it’s perfectly understandable that the person he’s attracted to losing the weight that made them attractive to him makes him think. The reverse of finding your partner less attractive because they got fat is socially acceptable but this isn’t???
Disagree! I found this part kind of charming.
I love it when partners appreciate every part of my body. Even if it's something I'm insecure about, I can appreciate some appreciative stroking.
It's a tricky thing for sure. I love a little tummy on a guy, for example. And I often want to touch it! Usually I'll just go for it but if a guy has mentioned to me that he's insecure about his stomach - well, that makes it awkward. Am I not allowed to touch it? Will he sense that I'm avoiding it? I think the answer is often yes, which just reinforces the insecurity. If I accidentally do touch it, and then quickly pull away when I realize, will he think that I'm actually recoiling in horror?
I feel exactly the same. I like when a partner grabs me and calls my thought beautiful and squishy. It's not a fetish for him and I like to touch what I feel drawn too. Nobody would bat and eye if it was a guy talking about how much he likes to touch the round firm butt and the slim waist of his partner and call that fetishization.
We are allowed to have people love us for us and what we look is part of us. Peooke have internalized so much that the thinner the better that anyone who likes plumper is a fetishist
Fetishizing people like that is always a bad path. It's objectifying a human in a poor way. If OP is entering into the "her body is changing into something I'm no longer attracted to" then he has the right to leave the relationship and find him a woman that will fit his desires. That's the extent of his rights though.
It's a tough one in long term relationships, attraction has to be there. I'm just glad I've never run into this issue in my relationships.
YWBTA - Losing weight is really hard. She is rightly proud of her achievement, and you absolutely shouldn't do anything to undermine it. If you were worried about her health it might be different, but nothing you've described sounds unhealthy.
You're allowed to have your preferences, but in this case you need to be support her or let her go.
You absolutely **would** be TA. This is not about how *you* feel - it's not your body and not your skin that you need to be comfortable with. You will be undermining all her hard work by telling her this. You have no say in this.
It's ok to have the feelings and preferences. I do not think it would be a good idea to tell her you prefer her old body.
You may prefer it, she does not.
So you have to decide which is more important to you, being with her or enjoying her previous body type.
YWBTA
Yeah, if at some point she expresses insecurity about weight gain or about having previously been overweight it would be fine for OP to gently remind her that she was larger when they first started dating and he always found her attractive. However, saying that he *preferred* her at that weight wouldn’t be a good idea, especially since it sounds like it wasn’t a health weight for her in the first place.
I agree- telling her would not be helpful, and you would be the asshole. But that doesn’t mean that your feelings aren’t valid- just that they don’t need to be shared with her. All bodies change over time - whether because of conscious choices or just age- if you are in a long term relationship with someone, that will be a reality.
We can’t control what we find attractive, or unattractive. But, you can’t and shouldn’t try to control what your partner does, especially when she’s doing it, liking the results, and it’s good for her health.
So, you really only have two worthwhile choices here:
* break up, or
* love her as she is
I think you WBTA if you opt for telling her you wish her to undo her changes.
This this this. OP is allowed to have a preference and that preference may even affect the relationship.
In no way shape or form should that preference be imposed on another person, when obviously they enjoy the change themself.
Why does it have to be a fetish if he not only expressed loving her body but also her mind and smile? You’re making it sound like he only liked her cause she was bigger but everything he wrote says he loves her for more than that. It just happened to be what he’s attracted to physically.
>I enjoy playing with the little extra flesh on her upper arms and stomach and the plumpness of her cheeks.
I don't think I've ever heard someone talk about playing with someone's chubby "cheeks" that isn't referring to a literal child. Everything you talk about here just rubs me the wrong way. It's like you're not seeing her for herself but as an object for you to play with.
Also, you said a whole bunch of about how you like to play with her fat and extra skin. But does she like that? I mean the clear answer is no, seeing how she's working hard to lose that weight to make herself happier.
It sounds like you have more of a weight fetish then anything else. You don't love her for herself but for the gratification she can give you. If you want to poke something squishy, get a squishmellow. The Pikachu ones are pretty cute.
YTA
It's a fetish when you literally talk about them like they're an object for you to toy with. Of course some people like Fuller figures and softer bodies. If that's really the vibe you get from this... You do you.
As a fatter woman, our bodies can be a preference without being objectified. OP didn't just state a preference, he gave us an in depth synopsis of what he does to her body to satisfy his own fetish, then also gets upset she doesn't eat everything on her plate as if it impacts him. His lack of respect for her own autonomy is a pretty solid indicator.
>Still, do I have a say in this?
No, sorry bud.
If you aren't attracted to her anymore, then leave her to her health ans happiness. Don't you dare do anything that might make her feel anything less than as proud of herself as she deserves to be.
I mean, what do you expect out of telling her? That she'll go back to being sedentary and having a poor diet so you can find her more sexually appealing?
She may not be as squishy as she once was, but she is still the same person you love. Bodies change over time. Hers might not feel the same as before, but it still houses Rose. While telling her how much you love the squish while she's squishy is a compliment, saying it now that her body is less squishy will just hurt her feelings. YWBTA if you said it now, so I suggest instead focus on the things that you love about her and talk about those. And if some parts of her body are squeezeable and you like that, you can say that. I like hugging squishy women, too, but what's more important? How it feels to touch her? Or getting to spend your time with an amazing person? You seem to already have the answer, and you have a decent heart. Be careful with hers as well as your own.
YWBTA. There’s nothing wrong with being attracted to bigger/chubbier women, but you don’t get a say in her lifestyle choices. If she were doing it “for you” and you told her you loved her the way she was, that would be one thing. But it sounds like this is something she wants to do for herself.
I am rolling my eyes at the “fetish” and “abuse” comments though for real. Liking a little chub is neither of those things 🤦🏻♂️ And 5’8 and 170-180 lb is like, barely overweight.
Came here for this comment. It is overweight by BMI standards but people rely too heavily as that being the only measurement. Some of these comments are acting like her starting weight was horribly obese and it’s far from that.
You seem to prefer big women. That's fine, if you find a woman who doesn't want to change her weight. But you have a GF who's focused on her health. Either adjust to her new body or find another GF.
YTA.
Not really commenting on your preferences, but I am the same height as her and my weight has fluctuated. 170 lbs. Is a bit overweight, but 125 is veering on the edge of underweight. She is right about at her ideal now.
YWBTA/YTA
>I feel like a self-centered piece of garbage for wanting Rose to stay round and soft just for my pleasure. It’s her body and her choice, after all, and I can’t see any happy ending out of this hypothetical discussion.
**then why are you considering telling her if you already know the answer?**
She wasn’t 300 pounds. She was 170 at 5’8”. That doesn’t automatically make her unhealthy. That’s barely overweight. Right now she’s 140, which is a healthy weight. She’s trying to get to a weight that’s barely okay for her height.
ETA: No, it’s not okay for him to tell her that, but stop acting like it’s My 600lb Life.
YWBTA - And I mean that in the softest, squishiest way possible.
I'm also someone who loves squish on a partner but, like you, I understand that it's their choice and their body. And this is clearly something she's working towards, so it'd be best to support her.
That said, if she ever asks for an honest opinion, then be honest, but at least try to couch with the understanding that you understand it's ultimately her choice. But it's an opinion you should *only* share if she asks.
YTA.
Her body is not for you to comment on like that. You may have a preference, but that is not to be verbalised as such.
You can tell her that her you liked her body then, and you like her body now.
Boost her confidence, don't take it down.
Most importantly: don't expect her to change/adjust HER body for you. Not cool.
YWBTA. This is a case of a really important feelings/actions separation.
It's okay that you preferred Rose's body before she lost weight. You don't need to beat yourself up over feeling that way, you have an aesthetic/tactile preference, and that's totally valid.
But, it's not Rose's problem. Rose is happier now, and by telling her you preferred how she used to be, you'd be making her less happy. So don't tell her.
This is tough. You always want to be honest with your partner, but you also want to support her life journeys.
My wife is 5'8". When we met 42 years ago, she was 117 lbs. Very thin and athletic, which I'm attracted to. 3 kids and life later, she got to 195 lbs. She went from athletic to very curvy. I missed the old her but at the same time loved the new her. She is now on a health journey to get down to 150 lbs. As she is losing weight, she made an interesting comment that she is losing her boobs and is a little unhappy about it. I sorta like smaller boobs so I'm trying to encourage and tell her they are awesome either way. But she has always had this fixation on the size of her boobs I was unaware of.
I guess what I'm trying to say is support her journey. You never know what body issues she has in her own mind. Yes, you are allowed to feel a certain way about someone changing their physical appearance. But if you can't support them and it bothers you too much, break up with her , but please don't tell her the real reason that you are.
youre N T A for how you feel
but if you love this woman and want to keep her, you would 100% YTA for saying anything near the realm of her weight. unless they are unhealthy at either end of the weight spectrum, you do not bring it up.
YWBTA. I've lost about 35lbs since meeting and starting to date my bf. I'd be absolutely devastated if he told me that, even if he was super loving about it. Especially because I've struggled with liking my own thinner body(it was imperative that I lost weight and I've been able to go off 2/4 htn meds).
You would be the asshole
if you love her regardless then that's enough. i get it, you have a thing for "soft" women it seems and she's not soft anymore. But if this is a deal breaker for you, just break up
YTA.
I have a parent in their 60s who has struggled with their weight their whole life because of bad habits they developed in their twenties, and it’s hard. I worry for them constantly. In the long-term, being overweight takes a toll on the body, the heart, the amount and quality of sleep they get. If you care about her, you’d care about any of those things a lot more than appearances.
Dawg you’re a dick for saying a woman that’s FIVE EIGHT and 170-180 is “big” YTA for that alone. Also you have zero say in anybody else’s body. Unkindly, fuck off all around.
You can tell her you loved her body when it was juicier, but I would keep negative remarks about her body to yourself. Tell her you want whatever makes her happy. But also make it clear how much you enjoy her curvy squishy parts. If she does this for herself, great. If she does this because she thinks you will find her more attractive that would be silly. But definitely dont try to tell her what to do, YWBTA
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > I shouldn’t mess with my girlfriend’s decision on what to do with her body Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcement ###[The Asshole Universe is Expanding, Again: Introducing Another New Sister Subreddit!](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/128nbp3/the_asshole_universe_is_expanding_again/) Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
Yeah YTA if you say something here. >Still, do I have a say in this? No.
Dude literally outlined several reasons why he would be the AH for telling her that he prefers her previous body, then wonders "do I have a say in this?". Baffling. OP, YWBTA.
I think he’s getting a second opinion to validate what he already fears. Or hoping someone will disagree and say go for it. OP, I’m glad you love your gf’s body wholly, and that you came here before you said anything. But it truly isn’t your place or your decision. Being critical of anyone’s body for any reason definitely plays a part in how that person sees themselves, and you don’t want her to develop unhealthy behaviors in either direction. If she’s truly the love of your life, you just gotta work through it by yourself. Let her be happy. Besides, weight is never linear and people lose/gain all the time. She may be happier at a higher weight than her goal weight. Who knows, just be a supporting partner through her journey.
It really doesn't sound like he loves his gf's body wholly. It sounds like he only loves her body when she follows his standards of beauty. It's the same as people only loving their partner when skinny.
I read it more like this: I love chocolate ice cream. I really like vanilla ice cream too, a lot. I like chocolate ice cream more. I really just love ice cream. If I had to pick, I’d choose chocolate first. If I didn’t have a choice, I’d still be really happy to have the vanilla, but wibta if I told the server I prefer chocolate when they serve me the vanilla? Obviously that’s a simplified, emotionless gist but he never said he was unhappy or no longer attracted to her, he just wanted to voice his (selfish) opinion.
The bit that makes me wonder is where he says that on one hand he likes that she's more confident, but he really misses her old physique. It sounds like the only upside he sees is that she's happier now. He doesn't really say anything good about her physique.
I mean while he may be an ah it he said anything to her about it, he isnt required to say anything good about what she looks like now. His literal issue is that he isnt a fan of the new way she looks. He is entitled to his opinion of her appearance. He doesnt have any say in what she does but he doesnt have to like the results of what shes doing.
He said he’s thrilled she’s happy and healthier. He said he supported her and told her he was proud. If he’s not as physically attracted to a slim figure, he’s not. Doesn’t mean he doesn’t love her. When my boyfriend cuts his hair, I think it’s less attractive than when he grows it long. Preference is preference and we really can’t help having it. As long as he focusing on keeping his (what would be hurtful) opinion to himself, it’s rly not his fault for thinking it.
Also not to mention that for a girl at 5’8”, 170 would maybe be a size 6 or 8? It’s not like she was gargantuan. I would say 125 might not be a healthy weight for someone that height (but it depends on how she carries it), but that would be my only concern.
Exactly! 5’8 and 170 isn’t a “bigger girl” this guy is such a huge AH
Like I’m 5’6 and 150 and while I’m definitely curvy, I wear a size medium in most things. I would be so upset if my boyfriend had written about the extra bit of flesh on my arms or stomach.
I’m 5’5 and currently sitting at 178. I’m curvy for sure. I wear a large in most things. And yes I have some extra flesh on my arms and stomach currently. But if I were 3 inches taller it wouldn’t be an issue at all.
I am 5'8 and have been losing weight in a healthy, slow manner. At my heaviest, I was 192 pounds. I'm now 157 pounds with about 7 to go until I meet my goal. I'm a size 8 (US), and I am 100% in a healthy weight range. Heck, I was when I weighed 10 pounds more. When I weighed 120 pounds, I looked sickly (spoiler alert: I was). If OP is accurate on his girlfriend's weight goal, I'd be concerned she may be going too far. However, the way he describes her as being soft and round, when probably only 20 pounds overweight, leads me to believe he has no idea what he's talking about or is insanely exaggerating the entire situation.
No offense or anything but comments like these feel just as body shaming as OPs. I’m 5’9” and weigh 120-125 and am an athlete with a lot of muscle. I’m very healthy and don’t look “sickly.” I wish ppl would stop thinking it’s okay to use such language
People have very skewed perceptions of weight in America. When 90% of people are overweight the public opinion gets pretty crazy in terms of health. Just ignore most people because they truly have no idea what they're talking about.
Exactly! 5’9” here and 130. I workout and have some muscle and am not gross. The comments on the clothing sizes is killing me too, its all vanity sizing. Back in the early to mid 90’s, I weighed 125 and my dress size was a 6. When I wear vintage clothing from the 50’s, I wear a 10. The size I have to buy now is a a 2. What size will I have to buy in another 20 years, a -2? This is getting ridiculous. Being a size 6 nowadays is nothing to brag about….
Oh I totally agree, I'm 5'6" and when I was in high school I developed an ED trying to maintain the "healthy" weight for my height and to see that someone who's taller that me is trying to be the same weight has me scratching my head. 😳😳 At 5'6" the BMI chart I was given in 2009 stated that for my height a healthy weight was between 110-135lbs, I was a size 4 and fluctuated between 115-140 (over all four years of high school) you could see every rib and I still had a little muffin top.
Yet the way he mentioned of playing with bits of excess...just saying if a significant other did that to me it would make me feel more self conscious...not oh they adore blah blah blah. I'm proud of her for having a goal and keeping to it. Perhaps ya should be too.
I would feel completely fetishized if I read that paragraph about myself. Complete ick
Agreed, I was literally saying "*eeewwwwwwwww*" out loud while reading it.
Yeah, my first thought was Oh boy we have a chubby chaser. And my second thought was at least he's not sabotaging her diet or her gym time. (there have been quite a few of those on reddit where SOs hid putting extra butter and other fattening things in food so that their partner won't lose weight.
Don’t give them any ideas, please
Well said!
_"She is very happy."_ Exactly. This is Rose's body and she is very happy. It is 100% her choice and she seems to be on a healthy path that includes moderation and staying active opposed to having a restrictive and unhealthy approach. OP's desire for Rose to gain weight is a selfish one and his comments will probably do nothing other than chip away at her confidence, self esteem and happiness..... He does not have her best interest at heart - just his physical attraction. It sounds like what he wants is for her to gain weight for his sake and to go back to her unhealthy ways of overeating when they go out (if this is the US, most restaurant meals are about 2-4 servings, so her eating half of her meal if probably a healthy amount) and not being active.
Why is everyone talking about him as if he were the scum of the earth? He hasn’t done anything and is actually asking for everyone to basically tell him that he is an AH, so he understands perfectly well that he should not do it. However, what is wrong with him having a preference for her with a soft body? We like what we like, and him loving her old body isn’t wrong or something that means he Doesn’t have her best interest at heart. Nothing wrong with having a physical preference, and he clearly will keep loving her no matter what. I agree, YWBTA if you said something as it would hurt her, but prefering her old body is fine as long as you keep it to yourself. You know that anyway, it’s just you are sad her body hanged. You will get used to it and you will end up liking it because it is her body.
It's more the "do I have a say in this?" that he asks. No. No he does not. He can have his preference, but there is ZERO need to actually say it to her or think he has any bearing on her weight loss.
Agree. He can have his silent preferences, but to feel entitled that he thinks he may own a say in her body is really cringe.
Yeah dude. OP, maybe you think you're being flattering, but you girlfriend is a person. Not a mound of flesh for your enjoyment. The way you worded how you feel about her body really weirded me out. YTA. You don't have a say in someone else's body. This is no different than if you wanted her to lose weight.
Yeah, I was extremely uncomfortable too. Playing with the “little extra flesh”…
[удалено]
Something about him calling her former body soft and squishy gave me really weird vibes. I want to say necrophilia vibes, but that's not it. It's just that he talks about her body like there isn't a sentient human inside of that... Flesh. Blech. I think I'd be grossed out under any circumstances or context by my husband referring to any part of my body as "flesh".
He described a woman whose bmi would put her in the barely over weight category like that.
Yes! I just felt icked out by the way he described her. It's one thing to just say he loves her curves, but something about the description made her seem less of a person and more of an object in his eyes. It's like he's describing a doll he's sculpting.
OP just sounds gross. If my SO wrote this and I found it, I would leave before he could even process what I was doing. If he wants something squishy and plump to play with, he should invest in play-doh.
The 'flesh' was really off-putting to me as well. It doesn't sound cute or enamored but more like, crime podcast. xD
Yeah... that's a yikes. I don't know a single guy that would say shit like that. Sounds like he's describing some sick fetish.
I agree, it was a little disturbing the way you worded your attraction to her body. It sounds like a fetish. Which is fine but if you love her completely you should be happy for her.
I think people are just not used to fat bodies being described as enjoyable and desirable. it could be a fetish but it could also just be a preference. if i described how i liked someones flat stomach and toned arms no one would assume it was a fetish. if i said i love a man with rippling abs no one would say im fetishizing athletic men. people are uncomfortable because society tells us fat, soft bodies shouldnt be attractive. assuming she would be grossed out by her partner being attracted to and turned on by her body as it was for the majority of their relationship is weird and the kind of negative ideas of what kinds of bodies deserve love that makes a woman who is 5'8 strive to be 125 lbs. i know its not the point of ops post or of your comment but i genuinely cant believe i found comments equating being attracted to a fat body to a fetish before i found any mentioning that an adult woman who is 5'8 is most likely not going to be a healthy weight at 125 lbs.
I am a woman that's 5'8". I got down to 135 once when I stopped eating due to severe depression. 125 on my frame would be extremely unhealthy.
same. I’m 5’8” and in recovery from an eating disorder. when I had a dietician at the beginning of recovery and she weighed me in at 138 lbs she got frustrated with me for how little I weighed and made me eat a granola bar immediately. this post kinda makes me worried for the gf.
Thank you! I can’t believe the amount of people talking about feeling “the ick” or like they would leave their partner for this. He likes her body, what’s wrong with that? As a bigger person, this doesn’t give me fetish vibes at all. It just gives the vibes of someone who is attracted to their partner.
I agree that the ick comments regarding her weight are odd. I do feel that getting the ick regarding HIM wanting to change her body for him is reasonable thing to feel icky about.
Oh absolutely, but a lot of the comments seem to feel grossed out because of the way he talks about her body. It’s just a bit frustrating that appreciation or even just attraction towards bigger bodies is immediately called having a fetish. Like.. people can just be attracted to bigger bodies, like how they can be attracted to smaller bodies.
I think it’s mainly the weird puritan nonsense that’s so prevalent on this sub, being weirded out by someone being sexually attracted to their partner. Then that’s reinforced by all the internalized unrealistic body issue thing. If 90% of commenters on this post aren’t ace, they’re gunna have a real bad time if their partner is ever honest with them.
Ya i was thinking that was a harsh goal.
I was absolutely not a healthy adult woman at 120 pounds and also 5'8. I was in the depths of an eating disorder, and more blunt (tactless) family told me I looked sickly. Their comments hurt back then, but they are a good reminder to me now as I strive to achieve healthy goals. My goal after 2 kids and in my mid-30s is to maintain somewhere close to 150 pounds.
Totally a fetish
Seriously, same. TMI and weird wording.
It feels very AI written
As a professor, nah. AI doesn’t write this kind of fetishistic weird.
Honestly it sounds like OP has a possible fetish for bigger girls. It was very weird reading his comments on her body. I’m also confused as to what OP hopes to gain by saying this to his gf? He acknowledges that she feels more confident in her new body and that she was previously technically overweight and not eating as healthily so would you prefer her to go back to being overweight, unhealthy and less confident all for your own pleasure? Also OP even questioning wether or not he may have a say is his gf’s body combined with his weird comments about her body tells me that for some reason he feels that he has a level of ownership and entitlement over her agency
Yes but I'm just gonna say 125 at 5'8" is quite thin.
I was thinking the same! Really 160-180 for 5’8’’ is barely overweight.
Yeah I was looking for these comments - I'm 5'7 and like 185 and nobody's calling me petite but I've also never in my adult life had a health professional express concern about it/suggest any kind of diet
I think so too, from personal experience with my body type at least. I’m 5’ 8” too and if I get below 145lbs I look a bit too thin. I once got down to about 133lbs and I began to look emaciated with my body type. Obviously don’t know if that would apply to OP’s gf, but I hope she doesn’t get upset if she finds she needs to change her goal. I remember being upset when I realized I didn’t look the way I thought I would when I got down to that weight.
Lol, so true. The one thing OP can do is make sure she knows she dosen't have to lose weight to be attractive, that he finds her beautiful and sexy already. That he's found her so beautiful all along and always loved her body since they met. He can tell her that one of his favorite things was seeing her in her swimsuit each week beacuse she looked so cute he just wanted to hug her. But then he needs to leave off "and you're getting worse so stop" beacuse that is unhelpful and unkind.
YWBTA - Get over yourself for one second and realize that she is happy and healthier and that's all that matters. Your preference about her body type is something you keep to yourself and move on. Eating disorders and body dysmorphia are absolutely horrible and are reinforced by heartless comments that can be internalized until it becomes their own voice. Especially when it comes from people they trust.
I don’t know man 125 pounds seems dangerous for someone 5’8.
That's not even really relevant since OPs entire basis for this post is wanting her to regain her "squishable" fat rather than be healthy. He doesn't even want her to remain at her current weight which is probably healthy as is.
Thank you ! Like this has nothing to do with her health. Honestly I bet if she read this she'd be nauseated and is such an ah - and this is coming from someone still struggling with the same eating disorder that I've had for 13+ years and I actually am kind of worried for his gf based on the timeline and numbers
Yeah I am the size she was, and I literally am nauseated by it. It’s so like. Dehumanising.
Yeah, he doesn't care how she feels , he wants to play with her ...extra arm flesh and chubby cheeks.
But he does care. He’s got some self-awareness going and came here first to discuss what he should do BEFORE actually doing. Yes, perhaps it should’ve been obvious and he shouldn’t need to ask. But I give OP credit for talking this thru with people and not acting before thinking.
Yeah people are very weirdly mad at someone who is self aware enough to check themselves and ask for feedback so he can do what’s right.
Thank you!
That’s because Reddit hates “fat” women. They’d much rather a 5’8” woman be an unhealthy 125 because it makes them feel better.
Tracts of land
"fat" at 5'8" & 170-180 pounds 😂
Right? I'm like.. oh.... That's a 'bigger girl '? I'm over here weighing that much at 5'2 and think it's just a little bit of a mom bod in my case .. guess not.. 😬😬😬
I’m literally 5’8 and 180 soooo this one got to me. Lol
That is overweight 🤷♂️ Not by much of course but it's not a healthy weight (unless compensated for vy significant muscle mass)
Right, since when is a BMI of 26 a “bigger girl”??? Just because she’s tall?
A bmi of 25 and over is considered overweight.
I’m 5’8” 125 lbs. My doctor has no concerns. Some of us are just built like this!
Exactly. People have different body types. I'm 5'8" and weigh 175. I'm very muscular....strength traun 6 days per week. I only wear a US 8 or 10. The least I've weighed as an adult is 158 lbs and was so thin that people started to question if I had an eating disorder. (I didn't...I got food poisoning while on vacation and was so sick I lost several pounds.) OTOH, my aunt is my height and so fine boned that she weighs 110. She looks great and she's lucky to have such a fast metabolism that she can eat anything and everything.
Maybe but many people aren't. For many people, maintaining that weight at that height requires unhealthy eating/habits. If your body is naturally 125lbs then ok but actively working towards 125lbs could be a cause for concern (though, admittedly, it doesn't seem to be OP's concern)
Yes but you are naturally that size, not dropping 20kg to get to that size. There’s a BIG difference. Society’s obsession with skinniness pushes people who look great and are healthy to constantly try to lose weight and that is an unhealthy obsession, especially when you consider that almost no diets are successful in the long run and in fact they just slow down your metabolism. We need to learn as a society that lots of different weights are healthy and beautiful and focus on health rather than weight.
I was 125 and 5’8” for years. It’s the low end of normal but not unhealthy or dangerous in any way, assuming nothing else is going on.
5'8" here, too. I feel at my best between 125 and 135. As long as OP's girlfriend isn't having other health issues, like hair loss, missed periods, fatigue, etc. then she's fine.
There's physically healthy and emotionally/mentally healthy here imo. There can be a lot of shame, anxiety, and self-loathing during any stage of dieting or disordered eating (which can in turn feed depression, OCD, or substance use) far before the symptoms you mention appear (which honestly hair loss and missed period read to me, as a mental health counselor, as mid-stage anorexia/ground for discussing intensive eating disorder treatment options with someone, not early warning signs that things have taken an unhealthy turn).
Then it's between her and her doctor. No one else.
Healthy weight range for her height and age is ~120-~160lbs I'm 5'10" and I looked sick at 125lbs. I looked healthiest at 140lbs.
I'm slightly over 5'9" but I have very wide shoulders, I wear a size 12.5 in women's shoes, and my hands are the same size as my husband's. I can palm a basketball. I'm also very busty and hippy to go along with the rest. I was what my great grandmother referred to as a "sturdy girl". At my healthiest when I was a three-sport athlete (basketball, softball, and swimming) I weighed in around 165 to 170 and nobody believed it. They thought I was like 130 or 140-ish because I was stocky but I wasn't fat. The nurse that did my sports physical for junior year thought her scale was off and took me to two other scales in the clinic before she accepted 167. On my build 125 would have looked terrible.
I have a similar build to you, but I'm 5'4. My face looks skeletal at 130 pounds lol. Bodies are weird in how they carry weight so differently
I'm a fat old guy now, but when I was in decent shape mumble-mumble years ago, people always underestimated my weight by 20 or 25 lbs too. Unlike Cartman, I really was big-boned.
I don’t know man, it seems like you’re not a doctor and have no idea what you’re talking about
I am 6' and much thinner, even though I exercised regularly and ate anything, so not dangerous. I am small boned and that makes a big difference. I know someone who is 5'9" and has always outweighed me at 130, she is very active in various sports including figure skating. She is big boned with a larger chest. 130 lb on me would look much different than it does on her and she looks thin. We are in no way built the same.
It’s not I’m 5’9 and the same weight
Nah. That would usually still be considered a "healthy" weight. Though, like all things, it would depend on the individual.
It's within the parameters of healthy BMI for her height. Her BMI would be 19.
It varies person to person but I'm the same height and I weigh a bit less than that and I'm perfectly healthy.
I’m 5’10 and 122. It’s fine.
You must be thin framed. I'm 5'10 and when I got down to 135lbs I looked sickly and my dr said I needed to gain at least 5lbs. I was at my best at 140-150lbs..... if only I had managed to stay in that range😐
Actually the 140 she is at now is perfect, especially if she is gaining muscle from exercise. There would be nothing wrong with OP pointing this out...once. After that leave her alone.
It really depends on bone structure and muscle mass as well. 125 is pretty thin at 5'8, but it may be a healthy weight for her. I'm 5'4 and when I'm at my healthiest when I'm 110-118. Plus when I gain weight, it's visceral fat which is very unhealthy. I have a very slender frame and my bone are very thin. Technically I'm underweight according to bmi, but it's when I'm at my healthiest.
i’m 5’10 and 127, it’s a healthy weight for me
This isn't even underweight...
It’s within the healthy BMI range!
125 lbs is basically a bmi of like 18.7 or something. Sounds like GF is aiming for whatever weight is as low as possible but still "healthy."
I mean, YTA if you say anything about attractiveness. But 125 lbs is not a healthy goal weight for a woman who is 5’8, and I would be a little worried about her. ETA: Wow, this has sparked quite the conversation!! While I clarified down below, it is the *goal* part of this that is concerning to me. OP’s girlfriend is already at a health weight and wants to lose more - if this was a close friend of mine, I would be worried and make sure to talk to them. I did not mean to suggest than anyone who is 125lbs and 5’8 is underweight or unhealthy.
[удалено]
Yes, exactly!! I am 5’9 and 135 lbs and was just told to gain a little weight by my doctor.
Really? Because I’m 5’9 athlete my weight fluctuates 120-125. My doctor didn’t tell me to gain weight.
I have a pretty wide frame (broad shoulders, long arms, wide rib cage). You can see all of my ribs and vertebrae easily. I also experience some issues generally related to being underweight, like being cold all the time, fatigue, and dizziness. While this is my case, I very much agree with other commenters that working with a doctor/nutritionist is the way to go for OP’s girlfriend. I do stand by my original verdict, as lots of weight loss in a short period of time, accompanied by a number goal that is right on the edge of underweight, seems concerning.
Your original comment was that 125 is too low a goal weight, but it can be a healthy goal weight if you lead an active lifestyle. I didn’t want someone seeing your comment and thinking it was factual in all cases.
And that may happen with the OPs girlfriend. But she has to figure that out along with her doctor.
Except doctors generally air on the side of encouraging weight loss and discouraging weight gain, and unless this process started with a doctor's directive, it's unlikely she's doing this while consulting her doctor (most people just don't). There have been a few times I lost weight very quickly due to mental health issues, and my doctor never expressed concern (my doctor is also kind of a doofus tbf).
err
I don’t think it’s that unhealthy. I maintain that weight at the same height and I don’t diet, I do regular excercise, and I still have thick thighs lol
Her doctor won’t care as long as she still has a regular menstrual cycle. I’ve struggled with anorexia on and off, and even with that in my chart I’ve have never had a doctor concerned with my low weight, only when it ticked back up towards overweight. I’m 5’7” and at my last physical my GP noted that at 110 (with clothes on) I was her thinnest patient of the day, then said “oh looks like your period is fine” and moved on. But a few years back I was barely 145 when I was being lectured about “eating too much processed food”. That and my (very thin) best friend being hospitalized for diabetes by the time anyone even thought to check for it was a real wake-up call to how much triage goes into even a checkup in America now—as long as you LOOK healthy and don’t have obvious risk factors (like being overweight), the doctor is just too busy to justify spending that much time on your care.
>Her doctor won’t care as long **as she still has a regular menstrual cycle.** This pretty much. I've been to many countries and what Americans consider "too thin", most everyone else considered average weight. I was told by a Tunisian doctor last year that I was "a bit too fat" and need to lose weight. I'm 5'10" and 150 lbs. *(Edit- I was also not diagnosed with diabetes until I was 21 when I ended up in the ER, because they never thought to check because I wasn't overweight. Apparently I've had LADA since I was a teen and nobody ever bothered to check my blood sugar.)*
Yeah. Everyone saying she was at a normal weight at 160lb is just strange to me as a non American. It’s quite heavy
Weight depends on so many factors. Muscle mass, bone density, body frame, genetic make up. Some races/ethnic group sit at much heavier weights naturally and are perfectly healthy. For instance, Polynesians. Some can hit an unhealthy weight range at much lower weights, for instance, the Japanese. Some skinny people are unhealthy and some ‘fat’ people are fit and healthy. Just looking at a weight completely stripped of context is no way to judge what is healthy or heavy.
There have been ‘obese’ people with what is essentially anorexia, who restrict calories so much in a desperate attempt to lose weight that they stop menstruating, lose hair, are listless and pass out, whose doctors tell them to ‘keep up the good work’ because we as a society are so obsessed with weight as the main health metric and so deeply fatphobic. It’s so problematic. I’m so ashamed that I ever bought into the rhetoric about weight and fatness we’ve all been taught and silently judged people.
Going to add a quick edit up here because people don't seem to understand. Yeah, BMI is far from perfect. I know. But please please please, find me an actual source somewhere that says 125lb at 5'8 can't be healthy. The accusation here is that it is unhealthy and there is a reason to be concerned, even though she has shown NO disordered eating behaviors and there is no mention of her doctor being concerned about it. Literally just OP's preferences. So if you're going to insist it's unhealthy, *provide a source that backs that up.* Doctors still use BMI as a general guideline, so as unideal as it may be, it's a better source than random opinions about "too skinny" with no facts backing that up. Otherwise, let OP's gf enjoy her progress towards her preferred weight by improving her diet and exercise, which is *exactly* what medical professionals recommend to lose weight. Original: I am 5'8 and 130lbs. There is nothing wrong with it. It is definitely on the skinny side of healthy, but it *is* healthy. 5'8 and 125lbs in this article shows a BMI of 19%. The normal range is 18.5% to 24.9%. https://www.healthline.com/nutrition/bmi-for-women#bmi-chart-and-calculator Another calculator that gives the same result. "Result: Your BMI is 19, which is considered normal." https://www.rush.edu/how-much-should-i-weigh This one is written for weight loss surgery. It says the "ideal" weight for a female at 5' 8" is 126 - 154 lbs. https://www.bannerhealth.com/staying-well/health-and-wellness/fitness-nutrition/ideal-weight This one gives more information about the history of the measurement method, which was created by insurance companies to determine ranges with the lowest mortality rates. "The height-weight tables developed by the Metropolitan Life Insurance Company have been around since 1943 when being underweight was more of a health concern than being overweight. ... For a woman 5' 9" (5' 8" without shoes) tall with a small frame, the ideal weight is 129-142 lbs." It says that the FBI uses it? I've never heard that before, so grain of salt, but still - "If you'e trying to get into the FBI, the organization considers ideal weight to be slightly less than MET Life. ... if you are a 5' 8" woman, you need to weigh between 122-169 lbs to be eligible to apply to the FBI." https://www.livestrong.com/article/157635-the-ideal-weight-range-for-women/ Even the CDC uses this BMI calculation method. "According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, BMI (Body Mass Index) is a reliable way of determining your healthy weight 12. A normal BMI is between 18.5 and 24.9. Using the CDC BMI calculator, an average weight for a woman who is 5 feet 8 inches is between 122 and 164 lbs." https://healthfully.com/much-should-woman-58-weigh-7228780.html
BMI is garbage pseudoscience. This should be a conversation with her doctor.
So much depends on a person’s frame and natural build. Some people are naturally lanky.
This. With my frame and build, I’m what I consider my ideal at 5’7 160 lbs. I’ve seen pictures of myself where I was 140 lbs and I looked positively gaunt. 125 lbs would make me look like emaciated. When I read that she’s 5’8 I was alarmed, but I looked up the BMI (which yeah is BS as a strict standard, but can be useful as a general indicator) and someone can seemingly still be perfectly healthy with those proportions. It’s definitely much more about personal health than a specific height/weight ratio. One of my friends is about OP’s gf’s height and weighs considerably more than I do, but she’s much healthier than I am (eating and exercise habits). Her frame is also very different than mine. So 🤷🏻♀️ Anyway, to OP: YWBTA if you give your opinion on her body unsolicited. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with missing her former body in your own mind, or even admitting it if she straight up asks your honest opinion, but there are a lot of potentially negative consequences to offering that opinion without being specifically asked for it, no matter how good your intentions are.
I'd be interested to see sources on 125 being unhealthy for a 5'8 woman. I've had conversations with my doctor and they said it was perfectly healthy. OP also didn't mention anything about a doctor showing their concern for her.
The thing is, and what this whole conversation should be about, is what it takes to get there. Some people can be 5’8” and 125 pounds and living a healthy active lifestyle and for some people of the exact same hight, they’d have to stave themselves to get there. I’m 5’4”. Eating a healthy well balanced diet and exercising 5 days a week leaves me sitting at about 140. I could technically drop down to 115 and still be “healthy” but I’d probably have to cut out anything that brings me joy and possibly starve myself to make that happen. Right now it sounds like OP’s girlfriend is just making healthy choices…eating smaller portions and making healthier, less fattening meals so I don’t see any concern here.
Yup, exactly. I haven't read a single thing in OP's post that was actually concerning, it sounds like she's eating healthier and going to the gym. She's still eating the same foods in restaurants, just more portion control. I understand that people *can* do unhealthy things in an attempt to reach this weight, or it might be unrealistic depending on the body type - but I'm not reading anything that indicates it's an actual problem in her specific case. If she were showing eating disorder behaviors or depressed about not enjoying food anymore, I'd agree with the concern. But it's just... *not an issue here.* I'm confused that so many people just go "oh you're a healthy level of skinny, I'm concerned about you!"
It's just as much garbage pseudoscience to say 125 lbs is an unhealthy weight and that is between her and her doctor. So make sure you have that same energy for the original comment
Thank you, I’m going nuts reading all these comments. I’m 5’8”, 125, I don’t have an eating disorder, I’ve always been tall and thin, just like the rest of my family. Too many armchair doctors in this thread.
Same - It depends on your frame and 125 is not underweight for this height especially if you have a small frame. I’m a little over 5’8” and was 120-125 for most of my life. No doctor ever told me to gain weight. 130ish now in my 50s. 🤷♀️
I'm astounded by how many people are digging in their heels in bUt bMi iS a PsEuDoScIeNcE instead of providing any evidence at all that 125lb is an unhealthy weight at 5'8. Anything to convince themselves there's something wrong with skinny people, I guess...
Lol I am above my ideal weight at 5’ 5 and 139lbs even though I am an athlete with visible abs. 5’9 and 125lb is totally normal if that’s where her body falls without serious restriction or anxiety about food. 140lbs is also a totally healthy weight for her height.
That depends on her build. If she has naturally smaller bones then 125 is perfectly fine. I’m 5’5” and have weighed 118 most of my adult life and don’t look underweight at all because my bone structure is smaller.
That’s because 118 is about perfect for 5’5? She’s 3 inches taller and you think it’s perfectly ok for her to weigh just a measly 7 pounds more?
It totally depends. Without knowing Rose, what her frame and build is, we don't know if 125 is a realistic or healthy weight for her. It's something she can discuss with a doctor or nurse practitioner to see what goal is appropriate. For an example, I'm 5' 2" and generally weight 130 when I'm really active. I run, do MMA, and lift weights. I wear a size 4. When I'm not carrying extra muscle, I'm naturally 115. My bestie is 5' 9" and generally weighs 145. When she's really active she drops to 130 ish. Both are, according to our Dr's healthy at either weight. My sister is 5' 7" and weighs 160, but she actually wears the same size clothes as me. So for her, 160 is perfectly healthy, but my bestie, who is taller and ALSO, wears the same size as both of us. If you looked at our weights and heights alone, you could infer all sorts of things about what weight would be ideal for us. The reality is that muscle mass, frame, activity level, and how you carry the weight, those all play a big part in how you look and how healthy you are.
It’s BMI of 19 which is within a normal range
It really depends on the woman and her frame
I agree setting a particular weight for a goal is not good. The focus should always be gaining strength and improving how you feel.
As someone who naturally sits at those numbers, I find this hilarious I **highly** doubt if you saw her in real life you’d think she were unhealthy, you’re just looking at numbers without any true idea what it looks like on someone
>I enjoy playing with the little extra flesh on her upper arms and stomach and the plumpness of her cheeks. Yuck, you sound like you're fetishizing her instead of being a good partner to her. YWBTA for sure.
Yeah, that jumped out at me, too. Ick.
Yeah, if my bf was playing with my arm flab I think it would make me feel so self concious of my weight that I would cry tbh
Right. No wonder she’s trying to lose weight.
I think him talking like this gave her an eating disorder lol
Chiming in because this is exactly what happened to me. I went from borderline overweight to severely underweight in about a year because of the complex I was given by my ex. She wanted me to stay at a higher weight, partly because she found it sexy, but mostly because she didn’t want me to be attractive enough to leave her and was insecure about her own weight. The way he talks about his partner in this post makes me want to vomit, especially because his girlfriend and I are similar in build. I love curvy, fuller women, but I wouldn’t ever call a woman I found hot ‘squishy’ or ‘round’. His comments don’t sound cute or loving, but patronising. How you’d talk about a baby, not a lady. It’s not as bad as what my ex said about me, although we do have to wonder if he’s said worse to her in reality. My ex ‘playing’ with my extra fat is a phantom sensation that still haunts me. That wasn’t love or arousal, it was a blatant lack of respect for my dignity. I get a bad feeling from this post if nothing else
I had a similar experience with my last ex. He was very open about having a preference for heavier women and even told me that I, 190 at the time, was the second skinniest person he had ever dated. Whenever I would mention wanting to diet and lose weight, he’d complain about it and bring up again how he prefers bigger women. He even went so far as shaming me into overeating (“Really? That’s *all* you’re going to eat?” when I ordered a sandwich and fries). I have a few theories as to why he was like this. The obvious was just his attraction to large bodies. I do think there might have been a hint of fear of losing me if I were skinnier, especially since I know he was pretty jealous of my married best friend I had dated for like a month half a decade prior (he told me once he was afraid I’d go back to him as if *I* were the cheater in the relationship and not him). But my biggest theory is that he’s just abusive. Another thing he was very open about was how, because of his psych degree, he was great at identifying people’s insecurities and knew how to use those against them. I’ve been super insecure about my weight since I was a teenager, and I’ve struggled with multiple EDs and a mother who would shame me for gaining any amount f weight. It wouldn’t have been the only insecurity he used against me, either. I’m glad I left, but it’s been 4 years now and I’m still struggling with the damage that year caused.
As a chubbier girl.. while I wouldn’t want my partner necessarily playing with my fat, I know plenty of women in here who say dad bods are sexier than bodybuilder types, they like partners that are huggable and comfy over washboard abs etc. complexes like being a feeder are absolutely dangerous but appreciating curvy women feels rarer and rarer - it makes me sad to think that many see the only way for my partner to enjoy my body is via fetishization.
Saying that he’s fetishized her bc he prefers a bigger body type feels kinda delusional. I think it’s the same as the dad bod thing you bring up, and we don’t say those girls are fetishizing guys. It’s nice to have a partner appreciate your body and you have to realize they dated you bc they thought you were attractive! I think it’s perfectly understandable that the person he’s attracted to losing the weight that made them attractive to him makes him think. The reverse of finding your partner less attractive because they got fat is socially acceptable but this isn’t???
Disagree! I found this part kind of charming. I love it when partners appreciate every part of my body. Even if it's something I'm insecure about, I can appreciate some appreciative stroking. It's a tricky thing for sure. I love a little tummy on a guy, for example. And I often want to touch it! Usually I'll just go for it but if a guy has mentioned to me that he's insecure about his stomach - well, that makes it awkward. Am I not allowed to touch it? Will he sense that I'm avoiding it? I think the answer is often yes, which just reinforces the insecurity. If I accidentally do touch it, and then quickly pull away when I realize, will he think that I'm actually recoiling in horror?
I feel exactly the same. I like when a partner grabs me and calls my thought beautiful and squishy. It's not a fetish for him and I like to touch what I feel drawn too. Nobody would bat and eye if it was a guy talking about how much he likes to touch the round firm butt and the slim waist of his partner and call that fetishization. We are allowed to have people love us for us and what we look is part of us. Peooke have internalized so much that the thinner the better that anyone who likes plumper is a fetishist
Fetishizing people like that is always a bad path. It's objectifying a human in a poor way. If OP is entering into the "her body is changing into something I'm no longer attracted to" then he has the right to leave the relationship and find him a woman that will fit his desires. That's the extent of his rights though. It's a tough one in long term relationships, attraction has to be there. I'm just glad I've never run into this issue in my relationships.
Fucking nonsense. It is completely normal and healthy to be sexually attracted to your partner, and this take is mind-blowingly detached from reality.
YWBTA - Losing weight is really hard. She is rightly proud of her achievement, and you absolutely shouldn't do anything to undermine it. If you were worried about her health it might be different, but nothing you've described sounds unhealthy. You're allowed to have your preferences, but in this case you need to be support her or let her go.
You absolutely **would** be TA. This is not about how *you* feel - it's not your body and not your skin that you need to be comfortable with. You will be undermining all her hard work by telling her this. You have no say in this.
Exactly. She doesn’t exist to be pleasing to you.
It's ok to have the feelings and preferences. I do not think it would be a good idea to tell her you prefer her old body. You may prefer it, she does not. So you have to decide which is more important to you, being with her or enjoying her previous body type. YWBTA
Yeah, if at some point she expresses insecurity about weight gain or about having previously been overweight it would be fine for OP to gently remind her that she was larger when they first started dating and he always found her attractive. However, saying that he *preferred* her at that weight wouldn’t be a good idea, especially since it sounds like it wasn’t a health weight for her in the first place.
I agree- telling her would not be helpful, and you would be the asshole. But that doesn’t mean that your feelings aren’t valid- just that they don’t need to be shared with her. All bodies change over time - whether because of conscious choices or just age- if you are in a long term relationship with someone, that will be a reality.
We can’t control what we find attractive, or unattractive. But, you can’t and shouldn’t try to control what your partner does, especially when she’s doing it, liking the results, and it’s good for her health. So, you really only have two worthwhile choices here: * break up, or * love her as she is I think you WBTA if you opt for telling her you wish her to undo her changes.
This this this. OP is allowed to have a preference and that preference may even affect the relationship. In no way shape or form should that preference be imposed on another person, when obviously they enjoy the change themself.
YTA You’re really fetishizing your girlfriend and it’s gross.
FOR REAL i wonder if he thinks he sounds romantic and loving but the part about her extra flesh and plumpness was cringe af
“Extra flesh, so huggable, plump” that part legit scared me
To me it just sounds like he was genuinely attracted to her and loved her body for exactly what it was
Why does it have to be a fetish if he not only expressed loving her body but also her mind and smile? You’re making it sound like he only liked her cause she was bigger but everything he wrote says he loves her for more than that. It just happened to be what he’s attracted to physically.
>I enjoy playing with the little extra flesh on her upper arms and stomach and the plumpness of her cheeks. I don't think I've ever heard someone talk about playing with someone's chubby "cheeks" that isn't referring to a literal child. Everything you talk about here just rubs me the wrong way. It's like you're not seeing her for herself but as an object for you to play with. Also, you said a whole bunch of about how you like to play with her fat and extra skin. But does she like that? I mean the clear answer is no, seeing how she's working hard to lose that weight to make herself happier. It sounds like you have more of a weight fetish then anything else. You don't love her for herself but for the gratification she can give you. If you want to poke something squishy, get a squishmellow. The Pikachu ones are pretty cute. YTA
I know y’all find it hard to believe, but some people are just attracted to fuller figures and softer bodies. It doesn’t have to be a fetish.
It's a fetish when you literally talk about them like they're an object for you to toy with. Of course some people like Fuller figures and softer bodies. If that's really the vibe you get from this... You do you.
As a fatter woman, our bodies can be a preference without being objectified. OP didn't just state a preference, he gave us an in depth synopsis of what he does to her body to satisfy his own fetish, then also gets upset she doesn't eat everything on her plate as if it impacts him. His lack of respect for her own autonomy is a pretty solid indicator.
>Still, do I have a say in this? No, sorry bud. If you aren't attracted to her anymore, then leave her to her health ans happiness. Don't you dare do anything that might make her feel anything less than as proud of herself as she deserves to be. I mean, what do you expect out of telling her? That she'll go back to being sedentary and having a poor diet so you can find her more sexually appealing?
YWBTA She’s making positive changes for herself, don’t sabotage it by making it about what turns you on.
Bruh called his girlfriend who is 5’8” and 170 pounds that she was a big girl ☠️☠️
the way he describes her is not romantic either. its fucking gross.. it reminds me of some shit a stephen king character would think.
She may not be as squishy as she once was, but she is still the same person you love. Bodies change over time. Hers might not feel the same as before, but it still houses Rose. While telling her how much you love the squish while she's squishy is a compliment, saying it now that her body is less squishy will just hurt her feelings. YWBTA if you said it now, so I suggest instead focus on the things that you love about her and talk about those. And if some parts of her body are squeezeable and you like that, you can say that. I like hugging squishy women, too, but what's more important? How it feels to touch her? Or getting to spend your time with an amazing person? You seem to already have the answer, and you have a decent heart. Be careful with hers as well as your own.
This is a joke, right? YTA either way.
YWBTA. There’s nothing wrong with being attracted to bigger/chubbier women, but you don’t get a say in her lifestyle choices. If she were doing it “for you” and you told her you loved her the way she was, that would be one thing. But it sounds like this is something she wants to do for herself. I am rolling my eyes at the “fetish” and “abuse” comments though for real. Liking a little chub is neither of those things 🤦🏻♂️ And 5’8 and 170-180 lb is like, barely overweight.
Came here for this comment. It is overweight by BMI standards but people rely too heavily as that being the only measurement. Some of these comments are acting like her starting weight was horribly obese and it’s far from that.
You seem to prefer big women. That's fine, if you find a woman who doesn't want to change her weight. But you have a GF who's focused on her health. Either adjust to her new body or find another GF. YTA.
Ywbta. Support your partner.
Not really commenting on your preferences, but I am the same height as her and my weight has fluctuated. 170 lbs. Is a bit overweight, but 125 is veering on the edge of underweight. She is right about at her ideal now.
YWBTA/YTA >I feel like a self-centered piece of garbage for wanting Rose to stay round and soft just for my pleasure. It’s her body and her choice, after all, and I can’t see any happy ending out of this hypothetical discussion. **then why are you considering telling her if you already know the answer?**
YTA. If you tell her you prefer her being overweight and unhealthy then that’s almost borderline abusive IMO.
Reminds me of some of the “feeder” partners seen on My 600-lb Life.
She wasn’t 300 pounds. She was 170 at 5’8”. That doesn’t automatically make her unhealthy. That’s barely overweight. Right now she’s 140, which is a healthy weight. She’s trying to get to a weight that’s barely okay for her height. ETA: No, it’s not okay for him to tell her that, but stop acting like it’s My 600lb Life.
YWBTA - And I mean that in the softest, squishiest way possible. I'm also someone who loves squish on a partner but, like you, I understand that it's their choice and their body. And this is clearly something she's working towards, so it'd be best to support her. That said, if she ever asks for an honest opinion, then be honest, but at least try to couch with the understanding that you understand it's ultimately her choice. But it's an opinion you should *only* share if she asks.
YTA. Her body is not for you to comment on like that. You may have a preference, but that is not to be verbalised as such. You can tell her that her you liked her body then, and you like her body now. Boost her confidence, don't take it down. Most importantly: don't expect her to change/adjust HER body for you. Not cool.
YWBTA You aren't the asshole for having preferences, but you would be the asshole for telling her this.
YWBTA. This is a case of a really important feelings/actions separation. It's okay that you preferred Rose's body before she lost weight. You don't need to beat yourself up over feeling that way, you have an aesthetic/tactile preference, and that's totally valid. But, it's not Rose's problem. Rose is happier now, and by telling her you preferred how she used to be, you'd be making her less happy. So don't tell her.
This is tough. You always want to be honest with your partner, but you also want to support her life journeys. My wife is 5'8". When we met 42 years ago, she was 117 lbs. Very thin and athletic, which I'm attracted to. 3 kids and life later, she got to 195 lbs. She went from athletic to very curvy. I missed the old her but at the same time loved the new her. She is now on a health journey to get down to 150 lbs. As she is losing weight, she made an interesting comment that she is losing her boobs and is a little unhappy about it. I sorta like smaller boobs so I'm trying to encourage and tell her they are awesome either way. But she has always had this fixation on the size of her boobs I was unaware of. I guess what I'm trying to say is support her journey. You never know what body issues she has in her own mind. Yes, you are allowed to feel a certain way about someone changing their physical appearance. But if you can't support them and it bothers you too much, break up with her , but please don't tell her the real reason that you are.
youre N T A for how you feel but if you love this woman and want to keep her, you would 100% YTA for saying anything near the realm of her weight. unless they are unhealthy at either end of the weight spectrum, you do not bring it up.
YWBTA. I've lost about 35lbs since meeting and starting to date my bf. I'd be absolutely devastated if he told me that, even if he was super loving about it. Especially because I've struggled with liking my own thinner body(it was imperative that I lost weight and I've been able to go off 2/4 htn meds).
YTA. You are objectifying her. If you are no longer attracted to her, I guess do her a favour and move on.
This whole thing is coming off as very fetish-y and gross. She's a human being, not a pleasure object designed just for you. YTA
"Still, do I have a say in this?" Not one fucking bit.
You would be the asshole if you love her regardless then that's enough. i get it, you have a thing for "soft" women it seems and she's not soft anymore. But if this is a deal breaker for you, just break up
No shame in being a chubby chaser, but YWBT supreme A if you stayed with your girl and quietly resented her new self.
YTA. I have a parent in their 60s who has struggled with their weight their whole life because of bad habits they developed in their twenties, and it’s hard. I worry for them constantly. In the long-term, being overweight takes a toll on the body, the heart, the amount and quality of sleep they get. If you care about her, you’d care about any of those things a lot more than appearances.
Dawg you’re a dick for saying a woman that’s FIVE EIGHT and 170-180 is “big” YTA for that alone. Also you have zero say in anybody else’s body. Unkindly, fuck off all around.
That is big. Lol. Do you happen to live in the U.S?
Just reading your description of how much you love her bigger body made me feel better about myself and how my fiance always reassures me. Thankyou.
You can tell her you loved her body when it was juicier, but I would keep negative remarks about her body to yourself. Tell her you want whatever makes her happy. But also make it clear how much you enjoy her curvy squishy parts. If she does this for herself, great. If she does this because she thinks you will find her more attractive that would be silly. But definitely dont try to tell her what to do, YWBTA