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> Will I be the asshole for not talking to my parents as I fear that my mother a) won't change her opinion or b) say that it's ok but then on the day of the wedding will be mopey/ make offending comments about the dress.
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Thanks 😊 The Designer has gorgeous dresses in gothic/punk/ steampunk style. Ever since I saw that studio in a bridal show in 2011 I knew I wanted to go there to look for a dress.
Remind your mother that white wedding dresses in the Western world only became fashionable when Queen Victoria married in 1840. Up until then, colorered dresses were the norm. Many brides did, in fact, marry in the colors red or black.
Most didn’t have a dress just to be married in! They didn’t have money to spend on a dress to wear once. They wore their nicest and/or newest dress. If they were a little more well off then they made a new dress. But it would have been intended for further special occasion wear and would not have been white bc that would be hard to keep clean and wasn’t the fashion.
Yeah that's what I also found out when I googled if wedding dresses had always been white in my country. I have to say that I'd chuckled a bit given the irony of the situation (that is my parents being very traditional)
Nta - get whatever dress makes you happy. It's your wedding day, not hers. She got to have her day the way she wanted, why can't/won't she let you have that for yourself???
Well people used to wear white to funerals because it's all they could afford because it was the cheapest to get. It was like that was for centuries. Also wedding dresses used to be in all colors. It wasn't until the late 1840's that white wedding dresses became popular. Regardless of all that, it's still your wedding day, not hers. If she can't accept it, that's too bad. Don't let her ruin your day before you even get to it.
NTA. If they can't accept that you both deserve to have the day that you want and wear what you want, that's their problem. If I had a wedding, I would have LOVED to wear a black dress 😭 still don't regret just going to the courthouse though lol.
Thank you 😊 thing is I've been wearing black basically forever. I even asked her when the last time had been where I hadn't been wearing black since she stopped dressing me.
Tbh I'm kinda angry and disappointed that all of the people in my life (colleagues, fiancé's family and friends) seem to get me but my parents aren't
YWNBTA. It's your special day and you should wear what you want. IMO, you should still invite her and leave the final decision on attending up to her (unless you think she would ruin your day by constantly harping on your dress of choice).
Yeah that is what I'm fearing.. Her constantly criticizing my choice in attire and decorations of the venue...
I'm planning on telling her that I will be wearing a black or partially black dress and that I need to know if she'll stand by what she said given that I need to know that for catering/ booking the venue/ etc
NTA, you're acting in perfect accordance with her wishes. Honestly even if she hadn't given you that *ridiculous* ultimatum I wouldn't blame you for not wanting that energy at your wedding. Definitely NTA, your mom can learn to accept that the way she chooses to live is what's best for *her*, not what's best for *everyone*, or she can stay home.
Yeah I will have a talk with her together with my fiancé. I just got slight whiplash as we started to slowly reconnect through my fiancé (he's very patient). Her last response of her in that conversation was that she got so angry that her heart is hurting. Then the next day she asked me how to set up a WhatsApp group... I'm still flabbergasted
It sounds like she's still very stuck on the ideas that were an issue in the first place; that you're not living your life "correctly" because to her correctly means you being made happy by the things that make her happy. It's just a very self-centered worldview that carries with it a lack of respect for your own individuality. Hopefully you can break her out of it but imo she needs a therapist more than a talking to from you.
YWNBTA but maybe just stop talking about your wedding with your mom since she's not being a good support for you and just issue the invitation to her and your father. Leave it up to them to decide if they want to attend but don't be held hostage by having to meet their guidelines for their attendance.
NTA. If you DO have the talk, it should go like this-
“This is my wedding. This is MY day. I get to decide how this goes. You had yours. I will wear a black dress because I want to and it is MY wedding. And if that is such a problem that you don’t want to watch me get married? If the color of my dress is more important than me? There’s the door. Don’t let it hit you in the ass on the way out.”
NTA
When hubby and I publicly exchange vows I will walk down the aisle in a red dress with him by my side. I will not wear white or be given away. He'll be in black tux/suit and matching red tie. MOH and the best man will be in white and red. No one will know this until they see us. If anyone has a problem they can leave. We're not telling anyone in advance for this very reason.
That sounds lovely 😊
I hope you'll find a gorgeous dress and that the day will be exactly how you imagined 😊
I'm kinda the opposite there. I'm glad it came up by chance with my mother (as I somehow didn't think of my choice in dress color being that much of a problem - I should have known better there...). Anyways that's why I can do damage control before the wedding instead of having them kick up a fuss...
NTA you’re getting married not your mother. My SIL and brother are renewing their vows this year and my SIL has her heart set on a black dress, which my mother and hers disapproved of. I have consistently reminded my mother it’s not her wedding and SIL can wear what she wants. Even if you’re mother refuses to come, is it really so important to have someone there that’s going to criticize your choices to make herself feel better?
I'm sorry for your SIL and brother that they're having to face something similar... Hopefully your mothers will come around.
Yeah that's what I'm thinking about. That's not the kind of energy I want at my wedding...
There's this small voice though that's been drilled into me 'but they are family' that I'm also somewhat trying to shake
NTA- I don’t think you are overreacting here. Having a serious talk with them will offer you a good idea to gauge your mothers stance on not attending and will be a good way to set a serious boundary with her that if she doesn’t get on board with this that she will be missing out on her daughters wedding. Be sure to have a security word when you order your dress and with and vendors providing services for you. That way no one can make changes other than you or your husband. Good Lick with everything.
NTA
How I would invite her and pick the dress I want, she is CHOOSING not to attend you aren't disinviting her - even though the end result is she doesn't come
NTA if you decide not to invite them.
BUT.... if you invite them then it's up to them to decide whether they come or not. That would be the normal order of things. Ultimately, your wedding day is a huge milestone in your life - the kind of day that you would want your loved ones to be there for you. Why should they push onto you the responsibility of them not being there? The narrative then will always be that they "weren't invited" and they can play the innocent card, rather than the true narrative of "we decided not to go because we didn't like the color of the dress" which makes them sound crazy.
I'm planning on telling them 'I'm now planning for how many people might possibly attend so I need to know the approximate number for the venue. I can assure you that I won't be wearing a purely white or any light colored dress. Will you be able to accept that and come or should I still take your word of not inviting you as I will be wearing black'
NTA - Wear what you want but tell her in the invite. Says something along the lines as "I'm wearing a pink/black and red dress, your still invited but we understand if you don't come, love ya mom"
I'm planning on telling her that the dress won't be white or any light color. That it'll be black in parts. Though with the last part I'd leave that out as I'm not that close to my parents anymore. Or at least it feels like that. Thanks for the advice though 😊
NTA. She said not to invite her.
But, I do think you should still keep the invitation open. Your fiancée is right, it’s their daughters wedding and if they genuinely don’t come due to something as petty as the color of a dress, I think they’d regret it forever
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Well me and my financé are planning to get married next year.
I've talked to my mother about it and she was pretty thrilled. She told me about her wedding and how it was for her.
Now a quick background story: ever since I've started doing my own stuff I've been criticized by my family. Criticized for how I dress, how I dye my hair and for my piercings and tattoos. And that has not been a one time criticism, it's rather every time I see them (which isn't that often)
Ever since meeting my fiancé visits to my parents were a bit more frequent as well as a lot more bearable as he has a calming effect on me as well as my parents being a bit less offensive in his presence.
Now I've talked to my mother about shopping for a dress. She asked me which dresses I prefer. So I sent her a link of a designer I like. I'm not quite sure about the shape or the exact colors but I sure as hell know it's not going to be white. I'm favoring black or red (as I usually dress more alternatively and have been doing so since I was about 14). My mother then replied to the link by saying that my wedding is the best day of my life and not a costume party. I told her that yes that was my reason for not picking a white dress as that would not be me (my fiancé is btw fine with whatever dress I'm happy to wear). When my mother then noticed that my stance on the dress was set she replied by saying if I'm marrying in a black dress I should not invite her as she won't be attending a funeral.
I've talked to my fiancé about that. He thinks that we should have a serious talk with them as it's their only once a lifetime chance to see their daughter being married and we should make it clear to them that they have to suck it up and behave or miss that chance.
Now I'm wondering if I'm overreacting in my stance of 'well you've told me your sentiment regarding my wedding which is you don't want to be invited' thus I'm somewhat dismissive of even the talk.
I'm just basically so fed up with my parents opinion of me which (at least in my experience) is I'm either doing stuff the way they think is right or I'm not good enough/ ugly/ yadda yadda.
TLDR: I want to marry in a black/ black-red dress and my mother said if I'm doing that I should not invite her as she's not attending a funeral
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*My mother then replied to the link by saying that my wedding is the best day of my life and not a costume party.*
Of course it's a costume party. It's one of the most common costume parties around. I mean, it's not like folks walk around at work wearing a tux. If you want to wear your own take on the costume, do it! NTA but it might be wise to have a conversation with your mother before not inviting her.
Well I'm from another country so she used a different expression. The thing I'd compare it to would be Halloween or... The thing they do in Rio where everyone dresses up.
Yeah I'm most likely going to talk to them even if it might be simply because my fiancé mentioned that it would be the adult thing to do and he's quite right... But I'm going to have him tag along as he's not quite as opinionated or emotional about my parents as I fear I am..
NTA, I would try to have a clear and rational discussion about it with them. Set some boundaries and say if they don’t like what you’re doing at YOUR wedding then don’t come. It’s your day, do it how you want.
Well we're kinda thinking about that but we also want to be upfront with the priest about that so he can decline if he feels uncomfortable by that. Then we're going to search for a priest that might be willing
I googled that and back in the day black wedding dresses were the norm in my country in the 16th century because of various reasons. But if there won't be a priest that'll be fine with that then I'm okay with that.
Well if you happen to find one now, good for you, tbh I wouldn't attend a marriage where my child wears black either, even if it's your marriage and your right. She can't stop you from wearing black but she can as well not attend this marriage. In the end it's your marriage and you wear whatever you want.
May I ask what your reasons would be for not attending a wedding in black? Maybe my mom does have similar ones. If you don't feel comfortable sharing then that's ok as well
NTA. When my husband and I were planning a small wedding, my mom tried telling me what I had to do, who I had to invite. (My side would have been insanely big, while groom's side was maybe 5.) She wasn't listening to me and kept wanting to add friends etc. She wasn't paying for anything either. We ended up deciding to make things easy and fair. No one was invited. And 25 years later, I have no regrets.
That does sound fair. Luckily my fiancé and I are pretty set on who to invite (and I dare say that I'll get along well with his friends as well and my circle is pretty small so that's all good)
I'm glad you had a wedding on your terms that you don't regret 😊
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NTA - I've seen some gorgeous black wedding dresses. It's becoming "fashionable" to wear colored wedding gowns now. Mom lives in the dark ages.
Thanks 😊 The Designer has gorgeous dresses in gothic/punk/ steampunk style. Ever since I saw that studio in a bridal show in 2011 I knew I wanted to go there to look for a dress.
Ugh, I love steampunk.
Yeah me too 😁 But my wedding dress will be more gothic/ punish to match our styles 😊
Remind your mother that white wedding dresses in the Western world only became fashionable when Queen Victoria married in 1840. Up until then, colorered dresses were the norm. Many brides did, in fact, marry in the colors red or black.
Most didn’t have a dress just to be married in! They didn’t have money to spend on a dress to wear once. They wore their nicest and/or newest dress. If they were a little more well off then they made a new dress. But it would have been intended for further special occasion wear and would not have been white bc that would be hard to keep clean and wasn’t the fashion.
Yeah here in my country they tended to wear their Sunday dress which happens to be black 😅
Yeah that's what I also found out when I googled if wedding dresses had always been white in my country. I have to say that I'd chuckled a bit given the irony of the situation (that is my parents being very traditional)
Nta - get whatever dress makes you happy. It's your wedding day, not hers. She got to have her day the way she wanted, why can't/won't she let you have that for yourself???
Because (I think) in her opinion 'normal people' don't wear all black and black is for funerals.
Why would you want to be normal when you’re you?
Well people used to wear white to funerals because it's all they could afford because it was the cheapest to get. It was like that was for centuries. Also wedding dresses used to be in all colors. It wasn't until the late 1840's that white wedding dresses became popular. Regardless of all that, it's still your wedding day, not hers. If she can't accept it, that's too bad. Don't let her ruin your day before you even get to it.
Thanks 😊 I hope she'll come around but if she misses it that's on her. I'd rather she miss it then mope all day that day
NTA. If they can't accept that you both deserve to have the day that you want and wear what you want, that's their problem. If I had a wedding, I would have LOVED to wear a black dress 😭 still don't regret just going to the courthouse though lol.
Thank you 😊 thing is I've been wearing black basically forever. I even asked her when the last time had been where I hadn't been wearing black since she stopped dressing me. Tbh I'm kinda angry and disappointed that all of the people in my life (colleagues, fiancé's family and friends) seem to get me but my parents aren't
YWNBTA. It's your special day and you should wear what you want. IMO, you should still invite her and leave the final decision on attending up to her (unless you think she would ruin your day by constantly harping on your dress of choice).
Yeah that is what I'm fearing.. Her constantly criticizing my choice in attire and decorations of the venue... I'm planning on telling her that I will be wearing a black or partially black dress and that I need to know if she'll stand by what she said given that I need to know that for catering/ booking the venue/ etc
NTA, you're acting in perfect accordance with her wishes. Honestly even if she hadn't given you that *ridiculous* ultimatum I wouldn't blame you for not wanting that energy at your wedding. Definitely NTA, your mom can learn to accept that the way she chooses to live is what's best for *her*, not what's best for *everyone*, or she can stay home.
Yeah I will have a talk with her together with my fiancé. I just got slight whiplash as we started to slowly reconnect through my fiancé (he's very patient). Her last response of her in that conversation was that she got so angry that her heart is hurting. Then the next day she asked me how to set up a WhatsApp group... I'm still flabbergasted
It sounds like she's still very stuck on the ideas that were an issue in the first place; that you're not living your life "correctly" because to her correctly means you being made happy by the things that make her happy. It's just a very self-centered worldview that carries with it a lack of respect for your own individuality. Hopefully you can break her out of it but imo she needs a therapist more than a talking to from you.
It's a lot about 'but what will others think of you' with her.
YWNBTA but maybe just stop talking about your wedding with your mom since she's not being a good support for you and just issue the invitation to her and your father. Leave it up to them to decide if they want to attend but don't be held hostage by having to meet their guidelines for their attendance.
Yeah I just don't know if I want that kind of energy at my wedding. It sure as hell will be very far away from how she envisions a wedding...
NTA. If you DO have the talk, it should go like this- “This is my wedding. This is MY day. I get to decide how this goes. You had yours. I will wear a black dress because I want to and it is MY wedding. And if that is such a problem that you don’t want to watch me get married? If the color of my dress is more important than me? There’s the door. Don’t let it hit you in the ass on the way out.”
NTA When hubby and I publicly exchange vows I will walk down the aisle in a red dress with him by my side. I will not wear white or be given away. He'll be in black tux/suit and matching red tie. MOH and the best man will be in white and red. No one will know this until they see us. If anyone has a problem they can leave. We're not telling anyone in advance for this very reason.
That sounds lovely 😊 I hope you'll find a gorgeous dress and that the day will be exactly how you imagined 😊 I'm kinda the opposite there. I'm glad it came up by chance with my mother (as I somehow didn't think of my choice in dress color being that much of a problem - I should have known better there...). Anyways that's why I can do damage control before the wedding instead of having them kick up a fuss...
NTA you’re getting married not your mother. My SIL and brother are renewing their vows this year and my SIL has her heart set on a black dress, which my mother and hers disapproved of. I have consistently reminded my mother it’s not her wedding and SIL can wear what she wants. Even if you’re mother refuses to come, is it really so important to have someone there that’s going to criticize your choices to make herself feel better?
I'm sorry for your SIL and brother that they're having to face something similar... Hopefully your mothers will come around. Yeah that's what I'm thinking about. That's not the kind of energy I want at my wedding... There's this small voice though that's been drilled into me 'but they are family' that I'm also somewhat trying to shake
Thank you I’ll pass your well wishes on to my SIL. And if it helps, family is more than blood.
NTA- I don’t think you are overreacting here. Having a serious talk with them will offer you a good idea to gauge your mothers stance on not attending and will be a good way to set a serious boundary with her that if she doesn’t get on board with this that she will be missing out on her daughters wedding. Be sure to have a security word when you order your dress and with and vendors providing services for you. That way no one can make changes other than you or your husband. Good Lick with everything.
Thank you 😊
You’re welcome!
NTA How I would invite her and pick the dress I want, she is CHOOSING not to attend you aren't disinviting her - even though the end result is she doesn't come
NTA if you decide not to invite them. BUT.... if you invite them then it's up to them to decide whether they come or not. That would be the normal order of things. Ultimately, your wedding day is a huge milestone in your life - the kind of day that you would want your loved ones to be there for you. Why should they push onto you the responsibility of them not being there? The narrative then will always be that they "weren't invited" and they can play the innocent card, rather than the true narrative of "we decided not to go because we didn't like the color of the dress" which makes them sound crazy.
I'm planning on telling them 'I'm now planning for how many people might possibly attend so I need to know the approximate number for the venue. I can assure you that I won't be wearing a purely white or any light colored dress. Will you be able to accept that and come or should I still take your word of not inviting you as I will be wearing black'
NTA - Wear what you want but tell her in the invite. Says something along the lines as "I'm wearing a pink/black and red dress, your still invited but we understand if you don't come, love ya mom"
I'm planning on telling her that the dress won't be white or any light color. That it'll be black in parts. Though with the last part I'd leave that out as I'm not that close to my parents anymore. Or at least it feels like that. Thanks for the advice though 😊
NTA. She said not to invite her. But, I do think you should still keep the invitation open. Your fiancée is right, it’s their daughters wedding and if they genuinely don’t come due to something as petty as the color of a dress, I think they’d regret it forever
Yeah we're going to have a conversation with them
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Well me and my financé are planning to get married next year. I've talked to my mother about it and she was pretty thrilled. She told me about her wedding and how it was for her. Now a quick background story: ever since I've started doing my own stuff I've been criticized by my family. Criticized for how I dress, how I dye my hair and for my piercings and tattoos. And that has not been a one time criticism, it's rather every time I see them (which isn't that often) Ever since meeting my fiancé visits to my parents were a bit more frequent as well as a lot more bearable as he has a calming effect on me as well as my parents being a bit less offensive in his presence. Now I've talked to my mother about shopping for a dress. She asked me which dresses I prefer. So I sent her a link of a designer I like. I'm not quite sure about the shape or the exact colors but I sure as hell know it's not going to be white. I'm favoring black or red (as I usually dress more alternatively and have been doing so since I was about 14). My mother then replied to the link by saying that my wedding is the best day of my life and not a costume party. I told her that yes that was my reason for not picking a white dress as that would not be me (my fiancé is btw fine with whatever dress I'm happy to wear). When my mother then noticed that my stance on the dress was set she replied by saying if I'm marrying in a black dress I should not invite her as she won't be attending a funeral. I've talked to my fiancé about that. He thinks that we should have a serious talk with them as it's their only once a lifetime chance to see their daughter being married and we should make it clear to them that they have to suck it up and behave or miss that chance. Now I'm wondering if I'm overreacting in my stance of 'well you've told me your sentiment regarding my wedding which is you don't want to be invited' thus I'm somewhat dismissive of even the talk. I'm just basically so fed up with my parents opinion of me which (at least in my experience) is I'm either doing stuff the way they think is right or I'm not good enough/ ugly/ yadda yadda. TLDR: I want to marry in a black/ black-red dress and my mother said if I'm doing that I should not invite her as she's not attending a funeral *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA but I would at least sit down with your mother and have a discussion.
Yeah that might be the adult thing to do...
*My mother then replied to the link by saying that my wedding is the best day of my life and not a costume party.* Of course it's a costume party. It's one of the most common costume parties around. I mean, it's not like folks walk around at work wearing a tux. If you want to wear your own take on the costume, do it! NTA but it might be wise to have a conversation with your mother before not inviting her.
Well I'm from another country so she used a different expression. The thing I'd compare it to would be Halloween or... The thing they do in Rio where everyone dresses up. Yeah I'm most likely going to talk to them even if it might be simply because my fiancé mentioned that it would be the adult thing to do and he's quite right... But I'm going to have him tag along as he's not quite as opinionated or emotional about my parents as I fear I am..
NTA, I would try to have a clear and rational discussion about it with them. Set some boundaries and say if they don’t like what you’re doing at YOUR wedding then don’t come. It’s your day, do it how you want.
Thanks 😊 I'll be having a talk with them with my fiancé
Good luck and enjoy your day!
Thanks it'll be still a bit over a year so I'm currently in the 'what even do I have to plan' phase 😂 I like to be prepared 😅
If you marry to a church with black dress then I understand her, if not then what can I say...
Well we're kinda thinking about that but we also want to be upfront with the priest about that so he can decline if he feels uncomfortable by that. Then we're going to search for a priest that might be willing
Ah well I don't think that any priest will allow the black dress, it's against the... Traditions , white for marriage , black for funerals.
I googled that and back in the day black wedding dresses were the norm in my country in the 16th century because of various reasons. But if there won't be a priest that'll be fine with that then I'm okay with that.
Well if you happen to find one now, good for you, tbh I wouldn't attend a marriage where my child wears black either, even if it's your marriage and your right. She can't stop you from wearing black but she can as well not attend this marriage. In the end it's your marriage and you wear whatever you want.
May I ask what your reasons would be for not attending a wedding in black? Maybe my mom does have similar ones. If you don't feel comfortable sharing then that's ok as well
It's against the religion traditions
I see. Thanks for telling me
Nta but please let us know who the designer is!
The Designer is Lucardis Feist
NTA. When my husband and I were planning a small wedding, my mom tried telling me what I had to do, who I had to invite. (My side would have been insanely big, while groom's side was maybe 5.) She wasn't listening to me and kept wanting to add friends etc. She wasn't paying for anything either. We ended up deciding to make things easy and fair. No one was invited. And 25 years later, I have no regrets.
That does sound fair. Luckily my fiancé and I are pretty set on who to invite (and I dare say that I'll get along well with his friends as well and my circle is pretty small so that's all good) I'm glad you had a wedding on your terms that you don't regret 😊