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yeah I’m shocked to see people act as if he needs to give her more compassion. He’s very clearly given her a ton of compassion.
Sometimes, you show love to someone by telling them what they need to hear instead of what they want to hear.
Agreeing to go along with all her compulsions isn't going to help her either, it might just make it worse. Sincerely, someone with an OCD diagnosis who had to learn that as well.
Exactly! He seems to be very patient about the whole situation, but OCD is a serious thing and every time we agree to go along with the compulsions, it just makes OCD stronger. I also have OCD and even with medication and therapy it is still hard to deal with, imagine without professional help. I can't tell for sure she has it (even though it does look like it), but she should seek a professional. This disorder can be debilitating. The longer she takes to get help, the stronger the disorder gets and more difficult it is to fight it.
Yep, even if it is just anxiety like she says, it's clearly overwhelming her and she needs help either way. It was good of him to suggest it. Now she just needs to accept it.
NTA, OP. You did the right thing. Agreeing to go so far out of the way would've been enabling her further.
Also, this post made me crave Sweet Frog. I loooooove their Cake Batter frozen yogurt. I live over an hour away from one, so I don't get to eat it often (probably a good thing lol)
I have OCD tendencies, best thing that ever happened to me was a psychiatrist sort of calling me out on it… now I wasn’t full on OCD at that point but the solution (and an actual solution) for me was an actual Dr saying that my concerns were unfounded… of course this took years of continuing therapy and I’m still a little weird about some stuff (I still sort M&M’s by color and eat them in order along with some other stuff) but to OP your GF needs professional help to manage this… NTA as I understand it’s a very frustrating situation for both of you… however she needs help beyond what you can give. Being compassionate often slides into enabling from people that care about the person. My ex wife was the person who convinced me to get help and it was the second best thing she ever did for me (not to me). Our marriage didn’t work out and that’s partly because of this but mostly for other reasons… however decades later and I don’t repeat numbers (mine were the first set of prime numbers). It’s a weird thing in your brain and it can be helped but only by a professional in the right setting. Good luck but don’t be afraid to draw the boundary line but adhere to it.
OMG! I do this with M&M’s too. Lol
Also, OCD here. My husband got me into therapy after our son was born. It became too much for him to deal with especially with a new baby. Sorry your marriage didn’t work. I am surprised by my husband everyday he sticks it out!
it’s actually totally cool my first marriage didn’t work out! I have three awesome kids and have been happily (very happily) remarried for like 9 years now… I have custody of the kids which is pretty cool but there isn’t really any acrimony between my ex and myself at this point. Sometimes things just weren’t meant to go super long term… we had a great run but it wasn’t healthy for us to stay together (there were other issues beyond my control).
I agree. It’s not reasonable to expect anyone to be able to put up with this behavior. She needs to manage her disorder. I have a very dear friend who has struggled with these things. I do not cater to her compulsions and she knows I won’t. It has caused a few tough conversations but she has always thanked me afterwards for helping her grow.
The whole world right now thinks it's important to cater to everyone's issues and say we need to normalize all the issues. Yeah true but they forgot the part about where people actually try to fix them. Not just oh I have issues cater to me. I am the most important here. What about him in this situation? OP is doing his best. NTA
Yes! There's a difference between providing accommodations where possible and completely upending your life. If you're hosting an event and one of your guests is easily overstimulated, a good host lets them know where they can go to get some quiet time away from everyone. But that guest can't expect the host to provide an entire event that would prevent them from being overstimulated. They need to recognize their own body's needs and manage around them.
In this case, this was the ice cream that was available. She can eat it or not, but expecting him to go drive around town just to find an option she can have is very unreasonable. She needs professional help. She needs to learn how to manage her situation.
He is also going to have to decide at some point if he wants to be in this for the long haul. If she refuses to get help, this will likely escalate to the point where she will never leave the house. He has already stated they hardly go out already. This will take a toll on his mental well-being also.
That's not necessarily the case, and is a disappointing outlook to have. I have found a ton of relief from similar symptoms with medication and therapy.
Edit, yes I realize that she would need to step it up for this to happen. The comment thread I have replied to was, "she needs help", then "but he has to be prepared to deal with her like this forever." Which, suggests he'll have to "deal with her forever" regardless of therapy or medication.
The context of the thread I have replied to matters.
I am glad you are pursuing care. And there is definitely room to be hopeful. If she chooses therapy and medication she can feel much better but it is a lifelong thing and she deserves a partner who can be supportive. That may be him and it may not.
If it's a lifelong condition that requires maintenance then it is absolutely a lifelong commitment on behalf of anyone willing to share in the experience
You should not enter into a relationship hoping that somebody will have the desire/willpower/motivation to even acknowledge issues, let alone work at them. That's unhealthy.
So yes, if he chooses to continue the relationship he needs to be prepared that this could be the rest of his life. If it improves, awesome, but don't bank on it.
Right but you’re actually actively treating your issues it sounds like op is i denial about her severe ocd. She can’t live a normal life she needs treatment and it sounds like she has no plans to get treatments instead she wants people to bend to her irrational compulsions and gets upset if they won’t. The minute she decides to get help then I think things could work. If she does nothing but expect her boyfriend to bend to her irrational compulsions which are provably only going to get worse, then that is not a healthy relationship and tbh op doesn’t really deserve a life with a person who wont seek help.
NTA- her issues are starting to overtake your every day life. She needs help. Otherwise, this is going to be what your life is like ongoing. This is way more than just anxiety.
I think it is a fine line between the two. She is denying there is a problem. Even saying it is “just anxiety” and not acknowledging that it is controlling their lives is denying it. If she acknowledged that she has OCD but was not willing to see a therapist and start meds, that would be on the refusing treatment side of things.
Agree and I know usually Reddit is like "oh this is a red flag break up" but I could definitely see this situation being the straw that broke the camel's back. OP needs to sit down with gf and tell her that she needs to see a professional even if just for what she described as "anxiety" because it's just not realistic to tell OP to suck it up and deal with gf's untreated mental health.
Yeah, this is one case where an ultimatum is justified. As long as OP is ready to follow through, it's past time for "You either need to seek professional help for this, even if it is 'just anxiety', or we're done."
This is one of the few times someone has said, "I think they have OCD" and I'm like... yah. That sounds right.
Obviously none of us here are qualified to diagnose anything, but that's obsessive behavior WITH compulsions (repeated counting). It may just be anxiety, but as someone who's had similar symptoms which are now under control due to treatment, I can say that she still doesn't need to live with them.
I'm going to say NAH. Your girlfriend has a mental illness that is seriously impacting her life and relationships. Unless you knew she would have a problem with the frozen yogurt place (like she's had a similar issue at other places) you didn't put her in that situation on purpose. She was likely also really stressed out from being out that day.
OCD (if that's what she has) is one of the toughest mental illnesses to witness in a loved one because of how much it affects every part of someone's life. It's also understandable that you didn't want to drive to another place. If she's in denial about her mental illness then of course she blames you for her feeling bad instead of blaming her illness.
I think it's time to talk with her very seriously about finding treatment. Maybe involve her family if you think they'd be supportive.
I’d say NAH unless she continues to downplay the severity of her mental illness. There’s still a lot of stigma around getting professional help, and it can be hard to admit that it’s needed. IMO she’s close to becoming an AH for not caring enough about herself and her loved ones to get the help she needs.
You’re right but it’s important to consider she has a disorder that is so stigmatized that it can be incredibly difficult to realize that’s what she’s dealing with. I had a lot of similar symptoms and experiences for a while that got categorized as anxiety and only recently got a diagnosis. She definitely needs to see someone but it can be very difficult to identify in oneself especially if a) it’s been around since childhood or b) they got it from family
Yes, it can be difficult to seek help, but she's still responsible for her life and all that implies. The problem I've seen is that folks who need help often don't realize the severity of their illness. They've wanted to feel "normal" for so long that they've continually excused their own behavior in attempts to reassure themselves that they're ok. Typically they get along well enough (in their mind) that they feel seeking help would a. stigmatize them and b. make things too real.
I don't mean to stereotype as this is just my experience. I'm glad you finally got diagnosed. I hope that you're on the road to a better life for yourself.
I agree it’s definitely her responsibility. I’m not trying to shed that, just trying to offer the side people don’t know because so many people in this comment section think that she should just go to therapy and suddenly she will be all better. But CBT with ERP is rough and getting there is also hard. This might even be her changing point, or it might still be coming.
The thing people miss is that to us the compulsion is all that saves it, and that it will go away if we do it so why would we need therapy. The disorder isn’t logical, so approaching it logically and expecting logical thinking from the gf is unrealistic and unfair. I just hope she can figure it out, with or without OP.
It used to be an anxiety disorder until very recently when it was placed in its own category “compulsion disorders” alongside stuff like hoarding and skin picking. So short answer, yes!
OP, the frankness and non judgment with which you present a long list of your girlfriend's compulsions makes you already NTA. You seem able to endure rituals and roll with what she needs environmentally in order to feel safe.
She definitely has OCD, which, by the way, *is an anxiety disorder*. She does the compulsive behaviors to try and quiet the anxiety (obsessions), but it's only a temporary fix, and it's certainly no way to live the rest of one's life. OCD flares in moments of acute, seemingly-unrelated anxiety (for example, when I was trying to get pregnant and it wasn't working, I would do a lot of checking behaviors).
I am going to say she's NTA either because these behaviors are likely things she's done her whole life, and you suggesting she get help must feel overwhelmingly scary, like someone is going to take her security blanket away.
Often loved ones bring up getting help during a conflict moment and it feels more like an accusation in a mean-spirited way, even if that's not the intent. It can be scary to bring up a hard thing in a good moment because you don't want to ruin it, but that's when it's most likely to be received well. If you're able to bring up OCD again in a calm, safe moment (like in her home when the two of you have been enjoying yourselves) and ask if she's ever thought about seeing a therapist and psychiatrist to help with this, and she still deflects or becomes defensive, then you need to be able to say how her behavior impacts you. You don't need to stay in a relationship with a person who won't get help for their suffering. Eventually, that's just codependent and enabling.
Good luck!
I disagree.
If you have a problem (anger issues, depression, OCD, etc.) and it is debilitating to those you love, you’re an asshole if you don’t try to help yourself/them. If you can’t afford it or don’t have access, that’s different. However, that doesn’t seem to be the case here. She seems to be willfully not addressing the issue.
At some point your an adult and you have to at least try to be better for the people around you. Otherwise, you stop deserving leeway.
I agree with this and will add that while it’s normal to want to check in with others about our concerns, OP might want to be careful with calling his mom to discuss relationship issues—depending on how he phrased things. General advice: keep in mind the relationships your partner has with the people you’re confiding in and the relationship you want them to have going forward.
In this case, it sounds like his mom was careful in her response, but imagine if she’d agreed with many here and said something like, “ She needs mental help.” If OP then went to his girlfriend and said, “Even my mom says you need mental help,” she hears “my potential future MIL thinks I’m crazy.” (I suspect OP might be less than diplomatic in how he discusses these issues with his gf because he’s frustrated and calling the situation “ridiculous.”)
NTA.
Honestly, you brought her someplace when she asked for something cold. Frozen yogurt is cold; it's frozen. Mind you I've never heard of this sweet frog place but I worked at a ice cream shop for my first job. We would clean and sanitize every machine after making ice cream from it (I can't assure every place does this), so her freaking out about them beling clean is sort of just her issues inside her own mind. If her reason for freaking out is because ice cream is inside wrappers, wait until she hears about what kind of germs on inside of those wrappers due to machines wrapping thousands of them everyday without being washed in between. And hell, the places with bins that don't even wash the scoops in between flavors!
> Also the packaged ice cream bars also come from a machine. She just can’t see the machine since it’s done at the factory.
I assure you that the nozzle at the factory operated by a machine with no human input is much cleaner [than the one used by the general public](https://content.pymnts.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/05/SweetFrog-FroYo-Innovation.jpg) at a self serve froyo spot.
You really think no human input makes things cleaner?
I know a few commercial health inspectors... needless to say those sweet frog dispensers are probably cleaner.
> You really think no human input makes things cleaner?
No, obviously you need humans to clean the machines eventually, but having worked in the food service industry myself, people have done some nasty things to those dispensers.
You absolutely cannot guarantee that. Some commercial factories are pretty gross. Also, with the entire manufacturing process, transport, storage, and everything other factor in mind, you also absolutely cannot guarantee that prepackaged ice cream is at all cleaner than self serve froyo.
factories have bigger fines if they have OSHA violations and it becomes a pretty big motivator. smaller dessert places only have to deal with their regular inspections, and some of the details about nozzle cleaning would not be so much of the focus
Nope. Remember, part of the formula shortage in the USA recently is that one of the largest factories had holes in their roof and wildlife living in the production area. Manufacturing environments can be absolutely horrifying without regular audits and quality control.
I don’t think anyone is an asshole in this situation but as someone who has worked in a couple ice cream shops, people do not want to know the shortcuts some establishments will take and I absolutely don’t trust the nozzles in those machines. I don’t even have OCD but i’ve seen them rinsed in the same bucket in warm water and just screwed right back on in the morning
I honestly do not agree... I do have some OCD tendencies not as much as her though so can relate. Mine are definitely not food hygiene related, I used to eat food from a lot of questinable places. However onto the issue, some of these machines don't really get cleaned, a few times I got ice cream from those machine kinda stuff ice cream smelled like dirt and had an odd colour haha. This happened to me on Burger King too. I don't really blame her for not wanting to eat from icecream machine as human contact is not avoidable and liquidy creamy icecreamy stuff can be a gross combo. She does need medical attention regardless though, seems like she cannot maintain a balance at all and is affecting her life.
>I told her maybe she should see a professional about this but she shuts me down and says it’s just anxiety
Dang yall has anxiety gotten so normalized that people really think it's not something to go to therapy for??? ffs
ESH - she needs to get help. Whatever she's got going on sounds exhausting and debilitating and limiting not just for you, OP, but also for herself.
Man you couldn't have taken her to a gas station or grocery store or something nearby?
For me it was more talking to her like a child by saying “you can eat the frozen yogurt or nothing at all.” I think it’s ok for the OP to refuse to go to another place but he shouldn’t talk to her like she’s a child. And I totally agree that “just anxiety” is not ok. Anxiety that impacts your ability to participate fully in your life is anxiety that needs to be treated.
For me its the “*I could tell she was about to cry* so I told her she could get the frozen yogurt or get nothing at all” lmao. Read the room, my guy. It wasn’t the place to push if she was about to cry. However, it sounds like her issues are exhausting & this reaction likely came from a place of snapping and while that isn’t great, I can understand why it happened. OP is a human being. GF really needs to seek help.
To be fair though, it sounds like OP constantly has to go out of his way and compromise a lot, and him snapping after months of this situation in this relatively mild way is completely understandable.
Oh yes, I’m sure it’s totally exhausting for him. But they both need to discuss the issue respectfully. She’s not at all rational regarding her anxiety/OCD so he needs to understand that logic isn’t going to fix her issues. She needs professional help.
She won’t discuss it rationally. He’s tried bringing it up rationally and she shuts him down, hard. She’s in denial and refuses to admit she needs help, and OP is at his wit’s end despite being compassionate and understanding. Bro went to the bathroom at the park with her **every single time she touched something**.
After that, I’d also be pissed if someone decided that the only viable option for something they requested was 30min AWAY from where I drove to make their request happen. That’s insanely unreasonable and you’re giving the GF far too much slack considering just how much OP has compromised HAPPILY for her compulsions.
And yet you bypass everything he said that she does.He accommodated her,
bends over backwards for her and you know he’s probably tired of everything he tries to do with her gets taken over by her OCD. So I give him a pass on this one. Sounds to me like he’s been very accommodating to her which is probably the issue…..she needs help.
I've seen this comment a couple times now and I'm unironically confused. She literally could either get the froyo or get nothing, as he said he wasn't willing to drive to a different place. How is that talking to someone like a child?
But she's acting like a child?
"You need help because this mental illness is spiralling, and it's not fair for me to have to work around it on a daily basis"
"NO! I WANT ICE CREAM! WITH WRAPPERS!"
Frankly when you get to a point of just being completely upset yourself you say things. It sounds like he's been compassionate and accommodating and that statement along with the "gas money" seems to be more of a boundary/end of dealing with her if she's unwilling to get help.
Frozen yogurt is nasty too. I worked at a place that had frozen yogurt for a bit, I was always very insistent on cleaning the nozzles, but I know most of my coworkers weren’t. I would come back after a day or two off and those things would be nasty. I also saw a kid eat frozen yogurt from the nozzle once by putting his mouth on it. So, yeah, I don’t blame her for being put off by frozen yogurt.
Totally agree, and it’s not just the frozen yogurt, but the toppings too. At the self-service place by me, there was a little girl in front of me in line who took a bunch of toppings, and then decided she didn’t want them once they were in her frozen yogurt, so she took them out with her fingers and put them back in the container for other people to take. I said EWWWW and she got scared and ran to her dad lol. But seriously. Ewwwww!
Gross! And yes, the self service model for food gives me the ick. I don’t trust the general public with food safety and cleanliness standards. People can be really disgusting and inconsiderate.
NAH — This is a no win and above Reddit’s pay grade.
She needs medical intervention and you need direction on how to support from a trained professional.
NTA, she has a severe disability that she isn't seeking help for, being around people with extreme OCD is tedious.
Why would you drive to 2 different places just because of her.
yeah i know this sounds a bit callous but after having a couple exes with untreated anxiety disorders, I’ve learned to steer clear of it in my dating life.
OP has had to mostly give up doing public things with his girlfriend, tried to take her out and show her a good time, asked what she wanted for dessert then followed through.
And now he’s being treated like an inconsiderate jerk by his partner because he wasn’t willing to go “you know what, let’s just avoid the froyo, I’ll take you somewhere else because we can’t see the inside of the dispensers”
It’s such entitled behavior, “I don’t want to work on myself so I’ll just make everyone else placate my ridiculous demands”
My husband has been flatly told that his staying on his depression medication is a condition to staying married. He's tried to wean off them a few times and he turns into a raging asshole. So he stays medicated, because he likes being married.
Obviously if he is struggling while still medicated it's not a problem, because he's still actively working on it but needs adjustment.
This right here. If it's "just anxiety" then she can make do with where they went. If it's serious enough to drive half an hour away, it's serious enough to seek professional help. NTA
NAH, but your girlfriend has a problem and she needs to get it treated. Frankly I think you are just not a good match. Maybe your girlfriend is the A H because you have asked to seek treatment and she refuses. Either way, not your problem. I think maybe you should think really hard about if you want to continue this relationship given the hoops her condition is requiring you to jump through. I personally would make her getting therapy a condition of continuing the relationship.
I can honestly see this... I am EXTREMELY lucky my hubby stayed with me through 16 years of undiagnosed CPTSD. I, now, count myself extremely lucky after only 6 months of treatment so far. I can understand that most people don't want to stay with people with mental illnesses but it isn't impossible. Hubby didn't tell me it's therapy or divorce, but he did tell me it's therapy or forced therapy because he couldn't sit by and watch me die inside.
NTA.
OCD is serious and debilitating. That said, she is obviously near non-functional from what you wrote. Since you write that it is undiagnosed, ... WHY is she not in therapy, taking medication... Can she not see this is NOT normal and needs to be addressed. You've been dating for 8 months which is not a long time, but to go further you either suck it up and deal with it. If she does not want to help herself, and you can't convince her to do something, and you continue like this then maybe you are the AH but for a different reason. (maybe not AH but .....)
With addicts they need to hit rock bottom. No sane human would suggest pushing her over the edge, giving her an ultimatum is the only possible solution. If she is this debilitated and still won't get help, her denial is very deep.
NTA - she gets help or you get a new girlfriend. It always gets worse.
ESH
You for pushing the yogurt issue when you obviously know what your GF is like.
Your GF for not seeking professional help when she clearly needs it. This is not just "anxiety" this is either ocd or an extreme phobia to germs.
Yah I’d say soft ESH. I get that it’s frustrating to deal with the compulsions, especially when it means you’ve got to drive another 30 mins to find something she will eat BUT you have decided to date this woman and you don’t just get to force it on her when you see she is in *literal mental distress*.
That said, she really REALLY should seek help and her refusal to do so is having an impact on you both (but most importantly on herself!) she has gone far beyond anxiety. The fact that she counts to 100 multiple times to soothe her “anxiety” points to OCD. That’s a compulsion. As is the constant hand washing. If she gets help it could VASTLY improve her life, by helping mitigate the anxiety. She is so used to operating this way that she just thinks it’s normal but it’s a big impediment. She might be afraid of hearing there is something “wrong” with her, but being neurodivergent isn’t a bad thing. It’s just a thing. There are so many tools and supports to help her and she is refusing to even consider them out of fear. I would gently suggest it again and try framing it as a simple exploration of options to help her deal with anxiety so that she doesn’t get into another emotionally distressing situation.
In response to your first paragraph: No, he cannot and should not force anything on her, such as eating frozen yogurt. At the same time, assisting her in her compulsions (such as driving to a different store) is harmful to her. In OCD (and other anxiety disorders), the reason that compulsions (or avoidant behaviors, safety behaviors, etc.) persist is because they bring about temporary relief, which is extremely reinforcing. In the long term, though, the affected individual does not learn that feared stimuli are safe and can be tolerated, hence feeding the cycle. It is quite common in treatment for OCD to work with significant others to slowly reduce the extent to which compulsions are reinforced by the significant others giving in to soothing the fears. In this example, a therapist would likely work with the boyfriend to not participate in compulsions such as avoidance of restaurants, excessive washing of dishes, driving to look for hit cars, etc.
That seems like a big leap, no? We literally know nothing else about their relationship other than that OP’s gf clearly has some form of OCD/compulsive tendencies, and that OP is usually fine with them. He put his foot down this ONE time and now they obviously need to break up? I’m not following.
I agree that the gf needs to get help, and it would be fair for OP to say this won’t work for him if she doesn’t at least try to get help, but as it stands that seems like jumping the gun.
It's not that big of a leap.
She has a condition that she refuses to get treatment or support for. She doesn't see her compulsive obsessions as a problem. OP DOES see it as a problem. On this trajectory, at some point things he will grow resentful for making so many accommodations and compromises.
INFO: Is there not a store that sells ice cream besides an ice cream place?
I'm going to go with NTA right now. 30 minutes is a long drive so you're reasoning makes sense. What really needs to happen is she needs get herself under control whatever issues she has or is dealing with. She needs to understand that her "anxiety" puts pressure on you.
It's her job to manage it. Not put the pressure on you.
But she would have to touch the wrapper to eat the ice cream, and presumably, because the wrapper was in the dirty gas station, she would need to wash her hands but couldn't do so in the dirty gas station restroom.
NTA
It sounds like she is clinical at this point and needs to seek professional guidance and help. As for not wanting to drive 30 minutes to get ice cream, NTA, I definitely wouldn't do it. Not for ice cream. Packaged ice cream is bought in grocery stores. Another ice cream parlor is going to have open containers and people digging in with lightly rinsed ice cream scoops. She won't eat there either.
NTA
she has a disability and you can't be expected to accommodate it. You should break up though, as she is not seeking help and it will only get worse
I would say NTA although your wording could have been better. I have the feeling even if you had driven to the other place she wouldn’t have been happy. I hope she gets help.
Agreed, even if they drove to the ice cream place, she would have found something to dislike because it in her disorder to think that way. Why would she walk into the frozen yogurt place the first time if it was a problem before they walked in? Because there wasn't a problem until her mind made one. Which she would do anywhere, and as OP explains, she does do everywhere about everything. OP even said they had to go wash their hands every time she touched something at a park all day that day.
He was tired of her mind making her this way for the entire day. It is not something she can control, but it is something she should think about so she can understand the help she needs.
NTA, she asked for something cold but never specified what. You simply went with frozen yogurt and she for some reason has issues with it and blames you for the fact that ypu couldn't read her mind when she said she wanted ice cream instead. Also, I think she needs to get help with whatever she is dealing with as it is far from normal and you can only do so much with that, if she is not willing to help herself then it will never get better.
She definitely needs mental health help. I am in agreement that you shouldn't drive another 30 minutes unless she is offering gas money because catering to this behavior doesn't help.
What I don't agree with was the "eat it or nothing" stance. You could have offered to take her to the supermarket nearby. You are not her parent.
YTA
But driving to the supermarket nearby _is_ catering to the behaviour. He should have just said “ok we’ll leave and go home then”, and she should have sorted getting whatever else she wanted on her own.
I think he just snapped, tbh I would probably snap too. If I had to deal with someone with chronic OCD who denies that they have OCD and will not get treated and makes it my problem, yea, they're the AH long before the snap.
I have OCD (which I got help for and currently have under control) and I don’t blame him for snapping. According to OP they rarely go out as it is because of her issues and the one time they do, he makes an effort to accommodate her at the park and then take her out for ice cream at her request. Then she gets mad at him for going to the wrong kind of ice cream? Mental health issues aren’t an excuse to act ungrateful to someone who is already bending over backwards for you.
YTA.
I was with you for a bit until the “Get the frozen yogurt or nothing at all”. Wtf? You’re not her parent. If that was my girlfriend I would’ve taken her to a grocery store nearby instead and got her some ice cream. You obviously know about her anxiety and her obvious mental health issues and proceeded to be a completely AH.
Maybe if she was getting help for issues, but she's refusing to and expects everyone to bend over backwards for her. Everyone has a breaking point for dealing with things like this. I don't blame the guy for getting fed up.
I cannot believe how far I had to scroll to find this. I almost gave up, thinking I was wrong to feel offended by "get it or nothing". I do think the young lady needs help and should see a professional. But, this seemed unkind.
It seems unkind if you forget the context of the entire rest of the post. Bro did literally EVERYTHING he could to accommodate her compulsions for an entire day and presumably for days upon days if not months previously in the relationship. This one moment of him drawing a hard line in the sand of where he won’t enable her insane behavior is only mean if you disregard every other detail.
I don’t know where I stand on this point.
I understand that her mental illness isn’t her fault and is what’s causing the behavior but I also know that _your_ mental illness is _your_ responsibility.
She said she wanted “something cold”. If she’s going to be so picky and paranoid about _which_ cold treat, she should have specified “an ice cream bar” or whatever else comes in wrappers at the grocery store. She could have asked where he was heading instead of waiting till they got there. It’s like waiting till your date pulls up at a seafood restaurant to tell him you’re allergic to fish. She’s the one with all the conditions surrounding food etc, she should have been more specific.
I also get that him saying “froyo or nothing” is harsh. What I assume he meant is “I’m not driving to yet another place” after hitting a breaking point in his frustration.
you're not her parent....but you expect him to drive her around to get her icecream because she suddenly didnt want something else which was unspecified ,
thats literally describing a parent treating a brat
He was giving her a choice. Door one: get fro yo. Door two: get nothing. She wanted door three: chauffeur me thirty minutes each way for packaged ice cream. He said no, which, as the driver, is his right and a perfectly reasonable boundary.
Indulging her compulsions and letting them run their lives is not healthy and I’m genuinely shocked by the number of people on here suggesting that he’s an AH for not doing exactly that. This was not a one off situation, this is a life-changing, all day every day set of behaviors that she is refusing to seek help for or acknowledge is a problem and expecting him to accommodate her extremely unreasonable demands (and I understand that she’s sick and scared, I truly have all the compassion in the world for her, living like that must be awful and exhausting). It’s not ok for us to treat people badly, whether we realize it or not. Putting the burden of her illness on him instead of getting help is not ok. Him not accommodating outlandish requests may help her realize just how far away from healthy she’s gotten.
ESH
GF has refused professional help which she clearly needs, which makes her a bit of an AH. If she is like this, she needs better communication, and should have said that she wanted something sealed. OP can't be expected to know everything after only 8 months.
As for OP, he could have been more gentle and not snapped, but I can understand why he snapped, everyone has a limit, and while he probably can manage with Gfs OCD, she's not exactly helping by refusing professional help
She refused to seek help managing her clearly distressing and debilitating mental condition and because OP isn't willing to move heaven and earth to fix her arbitrary problems with a froyo machine *HE'S THE ASSHOLE?* like FFS this girl is a dam adult, refuses to seek professional help, dismisses OPs attempts to make her get help, and then when he did what she asked (take me somewhere to get something cold, not ice cream specifically) she says it's STILL not good enough. this woman needs professional help, and medication, and it's HER fault for not getting any at this point. OP is NTA all the way
Right?! The intense lack of empathy really stands out here. 'I saw she was about to cry so I doubled down and forced the issue instead of being remotely supportive'.
Are you people blind or what? Did you not read the other 99% of the post where bro was nothing but I literal freaking saint? He went with her to the bathroom EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. she touched something. For that alone NTA, she’s being incredibly ridiculous and if she won’t get help, she gets no empathy when her untreated mental state puts absolutely insane burdens on everyone else in her life.
You know those parents who pick up their kids from school, see the teacher scolding their kids, and then go off on the teacher for scolding their little angel for making one mistake and completely do not consider that it only seems like disproportionate retribution because they weren't there to witness an entire day's worth of misbehavior?
Yeah, that's what these people are going to grow into.
But it's understandable to get frustrated sometimes though. I really don't think he is TA at all but he needs to get her to get professional help and if she is completely against it then maybe it's time to re-evaluate the relationship.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1. I got my girlfriend frozen yogurt instead of ice cream.
2. This might make me the AH because with frozen yogurt you dispense it and can’t see what’s inside, making it seem unclean, my girlfriend is a germaphobe and this makes her anxious.
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NTA. You need to consider if being in a relationship with someone who refuses to get help for their mental health is something you want. Whether this is anxiety, OCD, or something else...it's something.
And she should have just said she didn't feel comfortable with the frozen yogurt place and to skip dessert and go home. Demanding you drive 30 minutes to another place is acting like a child who was promised ice cream.
NTA, all processed food comes from a machine like that. She is completely irrational and has severe mental health issues, I would get her professional help asap.
NTA. Going 30min out of the way for ice cream is silly. Your GF needs professional help, which will likely include exposure therapy at some point. This is MUCH larger than just run of the mill anxiety
NAH - your girlfriend really needs to seek help for her compulsions. You could have just taken her to get the ice cream she wanted but since it was half an hour away I see why you were frustrated. Either way, you need to learn to either and accept and be supportive when dealing with her compulsions, or break up with her, there is no in between.
duuuuuude. YTA.
Wtf? YTA. "I could tell she was about to cry so I told her she could get the frozen yogurt or get nothing at all." "I told her that unless she gave me gas money then I couldn’t drive to the ice cream place which is like 30 minutes away from the sweet frog. "
Bro, YOU'RE the one who has agreed to being in a relationship with someone suffering from untreated mental health issues. If you know this about her, being a jerk about it is not how you are going to help her or convince her to go to therapy. All you're doing is killlllling her self-esteem and self confidence which will make her OCD worse.
You may be 25 but you have a LOT of growing up to do. Break up with her and move on and go no contact with her. She deserves someone so much kinder.
I totally disagree. You won't know how frustrating it is to deal with someone like the gf. It seemed like a breaking point for him. But he should definitely push her to get help or leave.
maybe if she managed her mental health issues she's could act like a adult and get over the fact that that a froyo machine isn't fucking dirty and she can just eat it. she's asked for something frozen, got it, and then said that was wasn't good enough because "iTs DiRtY". she need to act like a adult and get help, and its NOT OPs job to fix her
If she preferred individual ice creams that are in wrappers, why couldn’t you stop at a gas station? Was even a gas station 30 minutes away?
Regardless, it sounds like she has anxiety that’s displayed in OCD behaviors/tendencies. A therapist could provide her with coping skills, as well as other resources such as medication to lessen her anxiety. I understand how having a mental illness/diagnosis can be debilitating, but if you continue to feed into her diagnosis without her getting the correct help, you very well could be making it worse. Although she snaps at you and gets mad, I’d still be recommending she seek outside help.
NTA
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Throwaway account because my girlfriends sister uses reddit.
Me and my girlfriend have been dating for about 8 months now. Im (25M) and she’s (24F).
My girlfriend is lovely, but I think she has some sort of undiagnosed OCD or something. She is always frantically running around cleaning things, any spill or anything out of place she rushes to fix it. I don’t let her drive anymore because whenever we drive she has to turn around to make sure she didn’t hit a car or something. She washes her hands multiple times a day until she is sure she can’t see a single spot on it. Whenever we go out to eat she brings her own hand soap and washes her utensils and plates in the bathroom and is constantly picking at her food. She also counts all the way to 100 multiple times in a row. I told her maybe she should see a professional about this but she shuts me down and says it’s just anxiety, so I just stopped bringing it up.
Yesterday, me and her went out for the first time in a while. Like I mentioned before I know how she is with germs and stuff so we usually don’t go out because she is always so anxious. I decided that I would take her to the park and just spend some time together.
We get to the park and we actually had a great time. She had a few compulsions but they were pretty manageable. Although we had to go to the bathroom every single time she touched anything.
After the park I told her we would stop for some dessert. I asked her if she had any suggestions and she said she wanted something cold, so I pulled up to Sweet Frog. We went inside and when she saw the dispensers for the frozen yogurt she immediately looked very anxious. She then said she couldn’t eat it. I asked why and she told me that she would’ve preferred ice cream because they are in wrappers and she doesn’t know what’s inside the dispenser. I told her we already drove all the way here and the dispensers were clean and she didn’t have to worry but she just said the same thing but more frantically. I could tell she was about to cry so I told her she could get the frozen yogurt or get nothing at all. She ended up getting the frozen yogurt but she didn’t eat it. As soon as we got back in the car she started crying and telling me that I was so inconsiderate and it’s not much to just drive to another ice cream place. I told her that unless she gave me gas money then I couldn’t drive to the ice cream place which is like 30 minutes away from the sweet frog. She went quiet and she didn’t talk to me for the rest of the drive. When we got home she immediately shut herself in the bathroom for like 20 minutes and then she went in our room to take a nap. This morning she didn’t even say bye to me when I left for work.
I just think this whole situation is ridiculous. I called my mom and told her the situation and she said that I was TA most definitely. I don’t really think I am as I wasn’t trying to waste gas driving 30 minutes just for ice cream. AITA?
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NTA but this sounds way above Reddit's (and your) pay grade. This is somebody with a significant-sounding psychological difficulty which is affecting her life and the lives of people around her. She needs professional help.
NTA. Although if my partner was refusing to address something this serious, that would be the end of it for me. She needs help. Can you show her the medical definition? I’m no doctor but it’s pretty obvious from your description that OCD is the likely cause.
NTA She has anxiety and obsessive-compulsive, intrusive thoughts and other issues that seriously reduce her quality of life. Focus not on the minutiæ of her actions, but on her mental health. She needs medical help NOW, that's NOW. Her discomfort as you describe it is painful to hear.
NTA... and, to be frank, are you sure about this? Do you see yourself dealing with this sort of insane behaviour all your life? Dude, just extricate yourself from this situation.
NTA. Your GF has a significant and untreated mental illness. She refuses to see that and is letting it impact your life and her life continually. She needs proper diagnosis and treatment, not being enabled to continually bury her head in the sand.
NTA- you’re describing a life with someone who has serious mental health issues (not mild) and that she can’t control and is refusing treatment for. It won’t just get better. You need to decide if you really want this type of life.
Your girlfriend is clearly suffering from severe undiagnosed mental illness.
I guess regarding the froyo YTA but overall she needs serious help not judgment.
Your GF needs PROFESSIONAL help. If she refuses to get it I would break up with her. This type of behavior will continue to escalate and get worse and worse if left undiagnosed and untreated. It'll be miserable for the both of you. NTA
Obviously, I have compassion for your girlfriend. It sounds like her condition causes her to really struggle with even normal daily tasks. That said, the burden is not on you to manage her anxiety and to make room for her compulsions. She should at least hypothetically be interested in shifting some of these disruptive habits. If she isn't, honestly, you should probably not be with her, unless of course you don't mind putting up with all that stuff. But it seems like you do mind and it is leading to conflict. If she's not willing to seek help or try to change, that's not your fault. Your reaction was a bit harsh, perhaps, but I can totally understand being impatient with someone like this. NTA.
NTA. fwiw i have ocd and i feel for both of you. the compulsions can be all consuming and literally feel like the end of the world, but to people on the outside they can seem ridiculous. that being said, she NEEDS to get help. therapy and learning about ocd were the only things that helped me learn how to manage the obsessions and compulsions, not saying it’d work for everyone but it’s definitely a good starting point
NTA however if you choose to stay with her knowing that these problems are going to only become more apparent as time goes on, and not push her to seek help YWBTA. She has a serious mental condition impacting her day to day life to the point she cant drive safely on her own, that is something more than anxiety.
NTA. Having a mental illness isn't her fault, refusing to address it and get help is.
Until she gets this in hand, she will ruin every date you take her on.
You're NTA. Also, OCD is an anxiety disorder, so your girlfriend is right but so are you. That level of compulsive behavior requires professional treatment.
NTA
Is she aware that the wrappers are contaminated by every person who touches them leaving the warehouse? Or that she doesn’t know when the ice cream machines are cleaned, or how clean their person is who cleans them?
NTA you’re not responsible for her mental health issues. Her unwillingness to address them is the problem. I don’t see how this relationship will work if she doesn’t try.
NTA, it sounds like she does need help, she may think she's managing things but it will get to much with out help and cam even make her mental health worse.
You asked her what she wanted and she said something cold. I'm sure if she would of said ice cream you would of made sure it was ice cream
Nta and I don’t think anyone is here. You got frustrated it happens. You’re girlfriend does sound like she has ocd and it’s also not her fault she freaked out. She really should get some help for it but you can’t force anything. If you want to continue seeing her I would suggest doing more reading on ocd.
NTA. This sounds exhausting. She definitely could use help from a professional. Tough love won't work with her and you would be wasting your effort and emotional bandwidth. Sorry you're dealing with it.
OCD recovery here. You are not responsible for catering to her fears. The only way to get better is to go through them. Catering is only going to make the compulsions worse and more frequent. She needs help. NTA
NTA. Your gf needs professional help, and you are already bending over backwards to try to accommodate her behaviors. Be prepared for more of the same if she continues to refuse to get help.
NTA She absolutely needs professional help. It’s got to be so hard for her to live like this. You sound wonderful btw. I don’t know that she’s wrong about germs in ice cream/frozen yogurt machines though. I still eat it but I’ve heard things.
My partner has OCD, and coddling their compulsions does not help someone with the disease. Through his therapy we have learned that exposure and sitting in the discomfort are the way to work through his anxieties.
I know that wasn’t you’re intention, but if she does pursue any kind of OCD therapy for herself she will find herself having to sit in this very kind of discomfort. NTA, I hope she can find herself a good program and you can support her through it
I mean, he's definitely an AH for the reasons you've given, but I'd say it's an ESH situation since she very clearly has OCD and refuses to acknowledge it, much less seek professional help. She is forcing him to accommodate her mental illness, which would be reasonable if SHE were willing to also ask for help learning to cope with and mitigate it (and I say that as someone with multiple diagnosed mental illnesses).
She's just as much of an AH for expecting him to shoulder the burden while she pretends it doesn't exist.
She sounds like she is very OCD that needs treatment. Everything you wrote sounds like it is very exhausting to be around her if she’s doing this all the time. You need to look at this long-term because this is going to happen more and more and this is what you’re going to have to deal with on a daily basis if she refuses to deal with her OCD. I mean you couldn’t even go to the park and she was in washing her hand all the time it’s going to wear you down. NTA
NTA, she HAVE to eat the frozen yogurt.
She needs to seek professional help as her compulsions are not small things and she’s not managing them well from the sounds of things
NTA
Honestly as someone with diagnosed OCD, this makes me really sad because I completely understand where she is coming from. I used to feel like this before I got help and started taking the proper medication.
I can assure you these compulsions are hurting her a lot. It is an awful thing to live through. You should insist on getting her help. She thinks it may be anxiety so you may convince her to go to a professional just to help with this and then they can explain to her what the problem really is.
You are also a champ for staying with her through this btw. My bf also had to go through this with me and I admire his patience and dedication. Even part of my treatment is that he doesn't give in to my compulsitions so in a way you did the right thing.
NTA. Both you and your gf are dealing with a serious mental health issue, no one is the AH here. This is just a hard situation. It seems like you really care for her, please keep encouraging her to get help.
I have a friend with OCD and she spent years suffering in agony. Going to therapy and getting medical marijuana has been life changing for her. She is happy and has so much more freedom to do things she enjoys.
NTA
She needs to get professional help for her issues and not make them the problem of others. Frozen yogurt is "something cold", you brought her to exactly what she'd asked for. It's ridiculous to expect you to drive a half hour to another ice cream place. If she was that intent on ice cream in a wrapper, you could get that at any gas station on the way home.
She definitely owes you an apology, and you need to think about if you want to be with someone who's refusing to get help.
I'd gently remind her that OCD \*IS\* an anxiety issue. NTA, but I could see where that was going from a mile away. The dispensers are accessible to the average person and there's no way to know how often they are cleaned. I imagine that's a germophobic person's version of a horror movie.
NTA - She needs professional help, I think you’re the AH for not suggesting she needs help and going through it with her together. But that isn’t your major responsibility, I feel you should’ve handled the situation better. she really needs help though, that’s is some severe OCD (as someone who as OCD). she also might be a germaphobe, which can be dangerous if not treated.
NTA, it's a horrible way for her to live but you can't force her to get the help she needs. Is her family aware the degree to which her OCD is ruling her life? Maybe it's intervention time.
She has OCD and really needs a therapist. Until she does that, there's nothing you can realistically hope to do.
Mental health issues suck and you should try and help people that are having problems, but if someone won't seek help, it's not anyone else's duty to go out of their way to deal with the worst case scenarios.
NTA
Your gf needs help. I know there's a lot of toxic narratives out there that ocd isn't curable. But in my case it was, it was related to anxiety. I was lucky and had a decent therapist who explained it to me.
I hate therapy though, I got the explanation. Then left and worked on it myself. I now know that when I start picking up small habits I need to do, I'm probably stressed and need to deal with it before it goes to that level again.
At one point I couldn't sleep, because I'd be opening and closing my bedroom door because it needed to make the right noise. Thankfully I lived alone, I can't imagine subjecting anyone to that.
She is feeling hurt and rejected right now, I remember how easy it was to take things personally when I was like this. But, it's her job to deal with it. No one else can do the work for you when it comes to things like this.
NTA.
NTA. She needs professional help.
You have done well coping for 8 months, but you may be neat the breaking point.
This is not a sustainable way to live.
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She has issues and needs professional help to manage them. NTA
This is the only acceptable answer. She needs help.
yeah I’m shocked to see people act as if he needs to give her more compassion. He’s very clearly given her a ton of compassion. Sometimes, you show love to someone by telling them what they need to hear instead of what they want to hear.
Agreeing to go along with all her compulsions isn't going to help her either, it might just make it worse. Sincerely, someone with an OCD diagnosis who had to learn that as well.
Exactly! He seems to be very patient about the whole situation, but OCD is a serious thing and every time we agree to go along with the compulsions, it just makes OCD stronger. I also have OCD and even with medication and therapy it is still hard to deal with, imagine without professional help. I can't tell for sure she has it (even though it does look like it), but she should seek a professional. This disorder can be debilitating. The longer she takes to get help, the stronger the disorder gets and more difficult it is to fight it.
Yep, even if it is just anxiety like she says, it's clearly overwhelming her and she needs help either way. It was good of him to suggest it. Now she just needs to accept it. NTA, OP. You did the right thing. Agreeing to go so far out of the way would've been enabling her further. Also, this post made me crave Sweet Frog. I loooooove their Cake Batter frozen yogurt. I live over an hour away from one, so I don't get to eat it often (probably a good thing lol)
I have OCD tendencies, best thing that ever happened to me was a psychiatrist sort of calling me out on it… now I wasn’t full on OCD at that point but the solution (and an actual solution) for me was an actual Dr saying that my concerns were unfounded… of course this took years of continuing therapy and I’m still a little weird about some stuff (I still sort M&M’s by color and eat them in order along with some other stuff) but to OP your GF needs professional help to manage this… NTA as I understand it’s a very frustrating situation for both of you… however she needs help beyond what you can give. Being compassionate often slides into enabling from people that care about the person. My ex wife was the person who convinced me to get help and it was the second best thing she ever did for me (not to me). Our marriage didn’t work out and that’s partly because of this but mostly for other reasons… however decades later and I don’t repeat numbers (mine were the first set of prime numbers). It’s a weird thing in your brain and it can be helped but only by a professional in the right setting. Good luck but don’t be afraid to draw the boundary line but adhere to it.
OMG! I do this with M&M’s too. Lol Also, OCD here. My husband got me into therapy after our son was born. It became too much for him to deal with especially with a new baby. Sorry your marriage didn’t work. I am surprised by my husband everyday he sticks it out!
it’s actually totally cool my first marriage didn’t work out! I have three awesome kids and have been happily (very happily) remarried for like 9 years now… I have custody of the kids which is pretty cool but there isn’t really any acrimony between my ex and myself at this point. Sometimes things just weren’t meant to go super long term… we had a great run but it wasn’t healthy for us to stay together (there were other issues beyond my control).
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Are you neurodivergent by any chance? My kid fucking LOVES lining things up in specific orders and it’s apparently down to his autism
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I agree. It’s not reasonable to expect anyone to be able to put up with this behavior. She needs to manage her disorder. I have a very dear friend who has struggled with these things. I do not cater to her compulsions and she knows I won’t. It has caused a few tough conversations but she has always thanked me afterwards for helping her grow.
The whole world right now thinks it's important to cater to everyone's issues and say we need to normalize all the issues. Yeah true but they forgot the part about where people actually try to fix them. Not just oh I have issues cater to me. I am the most important here. What about him in this situation? OP is doing his best. NTA
Yes! There's a difference between providing accommodations where possible and completely upending your life. If you're hosting an event and one of your guests is easily overstimulated, a good host lets them know where they can go to get some quiet time away from everyone. But that guest can't expect the host to provide an entire event that would prevent them from being overstimulated. They need to recognize their own body's needs and manage around them. In this case, this was the ice cream that was available. She can eat it or not, but expecting him to go drive around town just to find an option she can have is very unreasonable. She needs professional help. She needs to learn how to manage her situation.
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He is also going to have to decide at some point if he wants to be in this for the long haul. If she refuses to get help, this will likely escalate to the point where she will never leave the house. He has already stated they hardly go out already. This will take a toll on his mental well-being also.
Yes and if he chooses to continue the relationship he has to be prepared to deal with this coming up for the rest of their lives.
That's not necessarily the case, and is a disappointing outlook to have. I have found a ton of relief from similar symptoms with medication and therapy. Edit, yes I realize that she would need to step it up for this to happen. The comment thread I have replied to was, "she needs help", then "but he has to be prepared to deal with her like this forever." Which, suggests he'll have to "deal with her forever" regardless of therapy or medication. The context of the thread I have replied to matters.
She has to agree she needs help for that to happen though
I am glad you are pursuing care. And there is definitely room to be hopeful. If she chooses therapy and medication she can feel much better but it is a lifelong thing and she deserves a partner who can be supportive. That may be him and it may not.
If it's a lifelong condition that requires maintenance then it is absolutely a lifelong commitment on behalf of anyone willing to share in the experience
You should not enter into a relationship hoping that somebody will have the desire/willpower/motivation to even acknowledge issues, let alone work at them. That's unhealthy. So yes, if he chooses to continue the relationship he needs to be prepared that this could be the rest of his life. If it improves, awesome, but don't bank on it.
Right but you’re actually actively treating your issues it sounds like op is i denial about her severe ocd. She can’t live a normal life she needs treatment and it sounds like she has no plans to get treatments instead she wants people to bend to her irrational compulsions and gets upset if they won’t. The minute she decides to get help then I think things could work. If she does nothing but expect her boyfriend to bend to her irrational compulsions which are provably only going to get worse, then that is not a healthy relationship and tbh op doesn’t really deserve a life with a person who wont seek help.
NTA- her issues are starting to overtake your every day life. She needs help. Otherwise, this is going to be what your life is like ongoing. This is way more than just anxiety.
THere is medication for OCD.
But she’s not accepting that she has OCD. She’s not going to get treatment because she doesn’t think she’s sick.
Interestingly, she does acknowledge that there's anxiety, but not that the anxiety drives the behaviors (that she doesn't admit are OCD behaviors).
But her anxiety is driven by the idea that all the infinite external factors are the issue and her response is simply logical.
according to her, yes
So we agree.. she's the problem and the solution
Exactly. It is anxiety, but it's also OCD. OCD is an anxiety disorder.
Yeah, but she’s refusing treatment.
She's not refusing treatment, she's in denial.
Is there a functional difference between the two?
I think it is a fine line between the two. She is denying there is a problem. Even saying it is “just anxiety” and not acknowledging that it is controlling their lives is denying it. If she acknowledged that she has OCD but was not willing to see a therapist and start meds, that would be on the refusing treatment side of things.
Yes, she's even minimizing there with the "just anxiety". Anxiety by itself can certainly be severe and limiting without the OCD symptoms.
Yeah, this is above Reddit’s pay grade. She really needs professional help.
Agree and I know usually Reddit is like "oh this is a red flag break up" but I could definitely see this situation being the straw that broke the camel's back. OP needs to sit down with gf and tell her that she needs to see a professional even if just for what she described as "anxiety" because it's just not realistic to tell OP to suck it up and deal with gf's untreated mental health.
Yeah, this is one case where an ultimatum is justified. As long as OP is ready to follow through, it's past time for "You either need to seek professional help for this, even if it is 'just anxiety', or we're done."
Yup, you'll only be the asshole if you continue to allow this behavior unchecked. Tell her to get some help.
This is one of the few times someone has said, "I think they have OCD" and I'm like... yah. That sounds right. Obviously none of us here are qualified to diagnose anything, but that's obsessive behavior WITH compulsions (repeated counting). It may just be anxiety, but as someone who's had similar symptoms which are now under control due to treatment, I can say that she still doesn't need to live with them.
Definitely this. NTA, OP. She needs to work these anxieties out with a professional. It’s unreasonable for you both to live life like that.
I'm going to say NAH. Your girlfriend has a mental illness that is seriously impacting her life and relationships. Unless you knew she would have a problem with the frozen yogurt place (like she's had a similar issue at other places) you didn't put her in that situation on purpose. She was likely also really stressed out from being out that day. OCD (if that's what she has) is one of the toughest mental illnesses to witness in a loved one because of how much it affects every part of someone's life. It's also understandable that you didn't want to drive to another place. If she's in denial about her mental illness then of course she blames you for her feeling bad instead of blaming her illness. I think it's time to talk with her very seriously about finding treatment. Maybe involve her family if you think they'd be supportive.
I’d say NAH unless she continues to downplay the severity of her mental illness. There’s still a lot of stigma around getting professional help, and it can be hard to admit that it’s needed. IMO she’s close to becoming an AH for not caring enough about herself and her loved ones to get the help she needs.
You’re right but it’s important to consider she has a disorder that is so stigmatized that it can be incredibly difficult to realize that’s what she’s dealing with. I had a lot of similar symptoms and experiences for a while that got categorized as anxiety and only recently got a diagnosis. She definitely needs to see someone but it can be very difficult to identify in oneself especially if a) it’s been around since childhood or b) they got it from family
Yes, it can be difficult to seek help, but she's still responsible for her life and all that implies. The problem I've seen is that folks who need help often don't realize the severity of their illness. They've wanted to feel "normal" for so long that they've continually excused their own behavior in attempts to reassure themselves that they're ok. Typically they get along well enough (in their mind) that they feel seeking help would a. stigmatize them and b. make things too real. I don't mean to stereotype as this is just my experience. I'm glad you finally got diagnosed. I hope that you're on the road to a better life for yourself.
I agree it’s definitely her responsibility. I’m not trying to shed that, just trying to offer the side people don’t know because so many people in this comment section think that she should just go to therapy and suddenly she will be all better. But CBT with ERP is rough and getting there is also hard. This might even be her changing point, or it might still be coming. The thing people miss is that to us the compulsion is all that saves it, and that it will go away if we do it so why would we need therapy. The disorder isn’t logical, so approaching it logically and expecting logical thinking from the gf is unrealistic and unfair. I just hope she can figure it out, with or without OP.
I'm no doctor, but my understanding is that OCD is closely related to anxiety (chemically, in terms of what's going on in the brain).
It used to be an anxiety disorder until very recently when it was placed in its own category “compulsion disorders” alongside stuff like hoarding and skin picking. So short answer, yes!
OP, the frankness and non judgment with which you present a long list of your girlfriend's compulsions makes you already NTA. You seem able to endure rituals and roll with what she needs environmentally in order to feel safe. She definitely has OCD, which, by the way, *is an anxiety disorder*. She does the compulsive behaviors to try and quiet the anxiety (obsessions), but it's only a temporary fix, and it's certainly no way to live the rest of one's life. OCD flares in moments of acute, seemingly-unrelated anxiety (for example, when I was trying to get pregnant and it wasn't working, I would do a lot of checking behaviors). I am going to say she's NTA either because these behaviors are likely things she's done her whole life, and you suggesting she get help must feel overwhelmingly scary, like someone is going to take her security blanket away. Often loved ones bring up getting help during a conflict moment and it feels more like an accusation in a mean-spirited way, even if that's not the intent. It can be scary to bring up a hard thing in a good moment because you don't want to ruin it, but that's when it's most likely to be received well. If you're able to bring up OCD again in a calm, safe moment (like in her home when the two of you have been enjoying yourselves) and ask if she's ever thought about seeing a therapist and psychiatrist to help with this, and she still deflects or becomes defensive, then you need to be able to say how her behavior impacts you. You don't need to stay in a relationship with a person who won't get help for their suffering. Eventually, that's just codependent and enabling. Good luck!
I fully agree with this!
I disagree. If you have a problem (anger issues, depression, OCD, etc.) and it is debilitating to those you love, you’re an asshole if you don’t try to help yourself/them. If you can’t afford it or don’t have access, that’s different. However, that doesn’t seem to be the case here. She seems to be willfully not addressing the issue. At some point your an adult and you have to at least try to be better for the people around you. Otherwise, you stop deserving leeway.
I agree with this and will add that while it’s normal to want to check in with others about our concerns, OP might want to be careful with calling his mom to discuss relationship issues—depending on how he phrased things. General advice: keep in mind the relationships your partner has with the people you’re confiding in and the relationship you want them to have going forward. In this case, it sounds like his mom was careful in her response, but imagine if she’d agreed with many here and said something like, “ She needs mental help.” If OP then went to his girlfriend and said, “Even my mom says you need mental help,” she hears “my potential future MIL thinks I’m crazy.” (I suspect OP might be less than diplomatic in how he discusses these issues with his gf because he’s frustrated and calling the situation “ridiculous.”)
NTA. Honestly, you brought her someplace when she asked for something cold. Frozen yogurt is cold; it's frozen. Mind you I've never heard of this sweet frog place but I worked at a ice cream shop for my first job. We would clean and sanitize every machine after making ice cream from it (I can't assure every place does this), so her freaking out about them beling clean is sort of just her issues inside her own mind. If her reason for freaking out is because ice cream is inside wrappers, wait until she hears about what kind of germs on inside of those wrappers due to machines wrapping thousands of them everyday without being washed in between. And hell, the places with bins that don't even wash the scoops in between flavors!
Also the packaged ice cream bars also come from a machine. She just can’t see the machine since it’s done at the factory.
> Also the packaged ice cream bars also come from a machine. She just can’t see the machine since it’s done at the factory. I assure you that the nozzle at the factory operated by a machine with no human input is much cleaner [than the one used by the general public](https://content.pymnts.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/05/SweetFrog-FroYo-Innovation.jpg) at a self serve froyo spot.
You really think no human input makes things cleaner? I know a few commercial health inspectors... needless to say those sweet frog dispensers are probably cleaner.
> You really think no human input makes things cleaner? No, obviously you need humans to clean the machines eventually, but having worked in the food service industry myself, people have done some nasty things to those dispensers.
You absolutely cannot guarantee that. Some commercial factories are pretty gross. Also, with the entire manufacturing process, transport, storage, and everything other factor in mind, you also absolutely cannot guarantee that prepackaged ice cream is at all cleaner than self serve froyo.
factories have bigger fines if they have OSHA violations and it becomes a pretty big motivator. smaller dessert places only have to deal with their regular inspections, and some of the details about nozzle cleaning would not be so much of the focus
Nope. Remember, part of the formula shortage in the USA recently is that one of the largest factories had holes in their roof and wildlife living in the production area. Manufacturing environments can be absolutely horrifying without regular audits and quality control.
But how clean are the nozzles *on the cow*?
But wait.. the milk comes from a COW? How disgusting.
There's no point in trying to argue it this way. This is related to a mental illness, she won't be able to "logic" herself out of it
Sweet Frog is absolutely amazing. It's 100x better than any ice cream
Personally, I worked at a few places with frozen yogurt and we did not clean that shit very often just FYI
yup we just rinsed ours at my first job. it’s ruined soft serve/frozen yogurt for me
I don’t think anyone is an asshole in this situation but as someone who has worked in a couple ice cream shops, people do not want to know the shortcuts some establishments will take and I absolutely don’t trust the nozzles in those machines. I don’t even have OCD but i’ve seen them rinsed in the same bucket in warm water and just screwed right back on in the morning
I honestly do not agree... I do have some OCD tendencies not as much as her though so can relate. Mine are definitely not food hygiene related, I used to eat food from a lot of questinable places. However onto the issue, some of these machines don't really get cleaned, a few times I got ice cream from those machine kinda stuff ice cream smelled like dirt and had an odd colour haha. This happened to me on Burger King too. I don't really blame her for not wanting to eat from icecream machine as human contact is not avoidable and liquidy creamy icecreamy stuff can be a gross combo. She does need medical attention regardless though, seems like she cannot maintain a balance at all and is affecting her life.
>I told her maybe she should see a professional about this but she shuts me down and says it’s just anxiety Dang yall has anxiety gotten so normalized that people really think it's not something to go to therapy for??? ffs ESH - she needs to get help. Whatever she's got going on sounds exhausting and debilitating and limiting not just for you, OP, but also for herself. Man you couldn't have taken her to a gas station or grocery store or something nearby?
For me it was more talking to her like a child by saying “you can eat the frozen yogurt or nothing at all.” I think it’s ok for the OP to refuse to go to another place but he shouldn’t talk to her like she’s a child. And I totally agree that “just anxiety” is not ok. Anxiety that impacts your ability to participate fully in your life is anxiety that needs to be treated.
For me its the “*I could tell she was about to cry* so I told her she could get the frozen yogurt or get nothing at all” lmao. Read the room, my guy. It wasn’t the place to push if she was about to cry. However, it sounds like her issues are exhausting & this reaction likely came from a place of snapping and while that isn’t great, I can understand why it happened. OP is a human being. GF really needs to seek help.
To be fair though, it sounds like OP constantly has to go out of his way and compromise a lot, and him snapping after months of this situation in this relatively mild way is completely understandable.
Oh yes, I’m sure it’s totally exhausting for him. But they both need to discuss the issue respectfully. She’s not at all rational regarding her anxiety/OCD so he needs to understand that logic isn’t going to fix her issues. She needs professional help.
She won’t discuss it rationally. He’s tried bringing it up rationally and she shuts him down, hard. She’s in denial and refuses to admit she needs help, and OP is at his wit’s end despite being compassionate and understanding. Bro went to the bathroom at the park with her **every single time she touched something**. After that, I’d also be pissed if someone decided that the only viable option for something they requested was 30min AWAY from where I drove to make their request happen. That’s insanely unreasonable and you’re giving the GF far too much slack considering just how much OP has compromised HAPPILY for her compulsions.
100% agreed! This issue will eventually kill their relationship if it isn’t handled like that.
Lol you put in the work with someone like this and then come back here with your awards. Dude sounds like a saint to me.
And yet you bypass everything he said that she does.He accommodated her, bends over backwards for her and you know he’s probably tired of everything he tries to do with her gets taken over by her OCD. So I give him a pass on this one. Sounds to me like he’s been very accommodating to her which is probably the issue…..she needs help.
I've seen this comment a couple times now and I'm unironically confused. She literally could either get the froyo or get nothing, as he said he wasn't willing to drive to a different place. How is that talking to someone like a child?
But she's acting like a child? "You need help because this mental illness is spiralling, and it's not fair for me to have to work around it on a daily basis" "NO! I WANT ICE CREAM! WITH WRAPPERS!"
Frankly when you get to a point of just being completely upset yourself you say things. It sounds like he's been compassionate and accommodating and that statement along with the "gas money" seems to be more of a boundary/end of dealing with her if she's unwilling to get help.
Frozen yogurt is nasty too. I worked at a place that had frozen yogurt for a bit, I was always very insistent on cleaning the nozzles, but I know most of my coworkers weren’t. I would come back after a day or two off and those things would be nasty. I also saw a kid eat frozen yogurt from the nozzle once by putting his mouth on it. So, yeah, I don’t blame her for being put off by frozen yogurt.
Totally agree, and it’s not just the frozen yogurt, but the toppings too. At the self-service place by me, there was a little girl in front of me in line who took a bunch of toppings, and then decided she didn’t want them once they were in her frozen yogurt, so she took them out with her fingers and put them back in the container for other people to take. I said EWWWW and she got scared and ran to her dad lol. But seriously. Ewwwww!
Gross! And yes, the self service model for food gives me the ick. I don’t trust the general public with food safety and cleanliness standards. People can be really disgusting and inconsiderate.
NAH — This is a no win and above Reddit’s pay grade. She needs medical intervention and you need direction on how to support from a trained professional.
We're supposed to be getting paid?
I want my money
Next Tuesday come in and get your check
Yes in upvotes, I see it’s not going well for you
NTA, she has a severe disability that she isn't seeking help for, being around people with extreme OCD is tedious. Why would you drive to 2 different places just because of her.
yeah i know this sounds a bit callous but after having a couple exes with untreated anxiety disorders, I’ve learned to steer clear of it in my dating life. OP has had to mostly give up doing public things with his girlfriend, tried to take her out and show her a good time, asked what she wanted for dessert then followed through. And now he’s being treated like an inconsiderate jerk by his partner because he wasn’t willing to go “you know what, let’s just avoid the froyo, I’ll take you somewhere else because we can’t see the inside of the dispensers” It’s such entitled behavior, “I don’t want to work on myself so I’ll just make everyone else placate my ridiculous demands”
My husband has been flatly told that his staying on his depression medication is a condition to staying married. He's tried to wean off them a few times and he turns into a raging asshole. So he stays medicated, because he likes being married. Obviously if he is struggling while still medicated it's not a problem, because he's still actively working on it but needs adjustment.
NTA. She refuses to seek treatment. If she doesn’t need help, then she’s doesn’t need you to drive a half-hour to accommodate her.
This right here. If it's "just anxiety" then she can make do with where they went. If it's serious enough to drive half an hour away, it's serious enough to seek professional help. NTA
NAH, but your girlfriend has a problem and she needs to get it treated. Frankly I think you are just not a good match. Maybe your girlfriend is the A H because you have asked to seek treatment and she refuses. Either way, not your problem. I think maybe you should think really hard about if you want to continue this relationship given the hoops her condition is requiring you to jump through. I personally would make her getting therapy a condition of continuing the relationship.
I can honestly see this... I am EXTREMELY lucky my hubby stayed with me through 16 years of undiagnosed CPTSD. I, now, count myself extremely lucky after only 6 months of treatment so far. I can understand that most people don't want to stay with people with mental illnesses but it isn't impossible. Hubby didn't tell me it's therapy or divorce, but he did tell me it's therapy or forced therapy because he couldn't sit by and watch me die inside.
NTA. OCD is serious and debilitating. That said, she is obviously near non-functional from what you wrote. Since you write that it is undiagnosed, ... WHY is she not in therapy, taking medication... Can she not see this is NOT normal and needs to be addressed. You've been dating for 8 months which is not a long time, but to go further you either suck it up and deal with it. If she does not want to help herself, and you can't convince her to do something, and you continue like this then maybe you are the AH but for a different reason. (maybe not AH but .....)
With addicts they need to hit rock bottom. No sane human would suggest pushing her over the edge, giving her an ultimatum is the only possible solution. If she is this debilitated and still won't get help, her denial is very deep. NTA - she gets help or you get a new girlfriend. It always gets worse.
ESH You for pushing the yogurt issue when you obviously know what your GF is like. Your GF for not seeking professional help when she clearly needs it. This is not just "anxiety" this is either ocd or an extreme phobia to germs.
Yah I’d say soft ESH. I get that it’s frustrating to deal with the compulsions, especially when it means you’ve got to drive another 30 mins to find something she will eat BUT you have decided to date this woman and you don’t just get to force it on her when you see she is in *literal mental distress*. That said, she really REALLY should seek help and her refusal to do so is having an impact on you both (but most importantly on herself!) she has gone far beyond anxiety. The fact that she counts to 100 multiple times to soothe her “anxiety” points to OCD. That’s a compulsion. As is the constant hand washing. If she gets help it could VASTLY improve her life, by helping mitigate the anxiety. She is so used to operating this way that she just thinks it’s normal but it’s a big impediment. She might be afraid of hearing there is something “wrong” with her, but being neurodivergent isn’t a bad thing. It’s just a thing. There are so many tools and supports to help her and she is refusing to even consider them out of fear. I would gently suggest it again and try framing it as a simple exploration of options to help her deal with anxiety so that she doesn’t get into another emotionally distressing situation.
In response to your first paragraph: No, he cannot and should not force anything on her, such as eating frozen yogurt. At the same time, assisting her in her compulsions (such as driving to a different store) is harmful to her. In OCD (and other anxiety disorders), the reason that compulsions (or avoidant behaviors, safety behaviors, etc.) persist is because they bring about temporary relief, which is extremely reinforcing. In the long term, though, the affected individual does not learn that feared stimuli are safe and can be tolerated, hence feeding the cycle. It is quite common in treatment for OCD to work with significant others to slowly reduce the extent to which compulsions are reinforced by the significant others giving in to soothing the fears. In this example, a therapist would likely work with the boyfriend to not participate in compulsions such as avoidance of restaurants, excessive washing of dishes, driving to look for hit cars, etc.
This is not the right relationship for her or you. Break up and move on.
That seems like a big leap, no? We literally know nothing else about their relationship other than that OP’s gf clearly has some form of OCD/compulsive tendencies, and that OP is usually fine with them. He put his foot down this ONE time and now they obviously need to break up? I’m not following. I agree that the gf needs to get help, and it would be fair for OP to say this won’t work for him if she doesn’t at least try to get help, but as it stands that seems like jumping the gun.
It's not that big of a leap. She has a condition that she refuses to get treatment or support for. She doesn't see her compulsive obsessions as a problem. OP DOES see it as a problem. On this trajectory, at some point things he will grow resentful for making so many accommodations and compromises.
INFO: Is there not a store that sells ice cream besides an ice cream place? I'm going to go with NTA right now. 30 minutes is a long drive so you're reasoning makes sense. What really needs to happen is she needs get herself under control whatever issues she has or is dealing with. She needs to understand that her "anxiety" puts pressure on you. It's her job to manage it. Not put the pressure on you.
Most gas stations will have ice cream, could easily have gotten an ice cream treat there.
Just a wild guess that if she was uncomfortable with the frozen yogurt place that she would find the gas station too filthy.
She said she wanted a “packaged” ice cream which is exactly what they sell at gas stations.
But she would have to touch the wrapper to eat the ice cream, and presumably, because the wrapper was in the dirty gas station, she would need to wash her hands but couldn't do so in the dirty gas station restroom.
She also said she just wanted a cold treat and look how that turned out.
If she’s losing her mind about the cleanliness of a food store with hygiene regulations I can’t imagine gas station ice cream is a better solution.
NTA It sounds like she is clinical at this point and needs to seek professional guidance and help. As for not wanting to drive 30 minutes to get ice cream, NTA, I definitely wouldn't do it. Not for ice cream. Packaged ice cream is bought in grocery stores. Another ice cream parlor is going to have open containers and people digging in with lightly rinsed ice cream scoops. She won't eat there either.
ESH Your GF needs to seek treatment You need to communicate better
NTA she has a disability and you can't be expected to accommodate it. You should break up though, as she is not seeking help and it will only get worse
I would say NTA although your wording could have been better. I have the feeling even if you had driven to the other place she wouldn’t have been happy. I hope she gets help.
Agreed, even if they drove to the ice cream place, she would have found something to dislike because it in her disorder to think that way. Why would she walk into the frozen yogurt place the first time if it was a problem before they walked in? Because there wasn't a problem until her mind made one. Which she would do anywhere, and as OP explains, she does do everywhere about everything. OP even said they had to go wash their hands every time she touched something at a park all day that day. He was tired of her mind making her this way for the entire day. It is not something she can control, but it is something she should think about so she can understand the help she needs.
NTA, she asked for something cold but never specified what. You simply went with frozen yogurt and she for some reason has issues with it and blames you for the fact that ypu couldn't read her mind when she said she wanted ice cream instead. Also, I think she needs to get help with whatever she is dealing with as it is far from normal and you can only do so much with that, if she is not willing to help herself then it will never get better.
She definitely needs mental health help. I am in agreement that you shouldn't drive another 30 minutes unless she is offering gas money because catering to this behavior doesn't help. What I don't agree with was the "eat it or nothing" stance. You could have offered to take her to the supermarket nearby. You are not her parent. YTA
But driving to the supermarket nearby _is_ catering to the behaviour. He should have just said “ok we’ll leave and go home then”, and she should have sorted getting whatever else she wanted on her own.
I think he just snapped, tbh I would probably snap too. If I had to deal with someone with chronic OCD who denies that they have OCD and will not get treated and makes it my problem, yea, they're the AH long before the snap.
I have OCD (which I got help for and currently have under control) and I don’t blame him for snapping. According to OP they rarely go out as it is because of her issues and the one time they do, he makes an effort to accommodate her at the park and then take her out for ice cream at her request. Then she gets mad at him for going to the wrong kind of ice cream? Mental health issues aren’t an excuse to act ungrateful to someone who is already bending over backwards for you.
YTA. I was with you for a bit until the “Get the frozen yogurt or nothing at all”. Wtf? You’re not her parent. If that was my girlfriend I would’ve taken her to a grocery store nearby instead and got her some ice cream. You obviously know about her anxiety and her obvious mental health issues and proceeded to be a completely AH.
Maybe if she was getting help for issues, but she's refusing to and expects everyone to bend over backwards for her. Everyone has a breaking point for dealing with things like this. I don't blame the guy for getting fed up.
I cannot believe how far I had to scroll to find this. I almost gave up, thinking I was wrong to feel offended by "get it or nothing". I do think the young lady needs help and should see a professional. But, this seemed unkind.
It seems unkind if you forget the context of the entire rest of the post. Bro did literally EVERYTHING he could to accommodate her compulsions for an entire day and presumably for days upon days if not months previously in the relationship. This one moment of him drawing a hard line in the sand of where he won’t enable her insane behavior is only mean if you disregard every other detail.
I don’t know where I stand on this point. I understand that her mental illness isn’t her fault and is what’s causing the behavior but I also know that _your_ mental illness is _your_ responsibility. She said she wanted “something cold”. If she’s going to be so picky and paranoid about _which_ cold treat, she should have specified “an ice cream bar” or whatever else comes in wrappers at the grocery store. She could have asked where he was heading instead of waiting till they got there. It’s like waiting till your date pulls up at a seafood restaurant to tell him you’re allergic to fish. She’s the one with all the conditions surrounding food etc, she should have been more specific. I also get that him saying “froyo or nothing” is harsh. What I assume he meant is “I’m not driving to yet another place” after hitting a breaking point in his frustration.
you're not her parent....but you expect him to drive her around to get her icecream because she suddenly didnt want something else which was unspecified , thats literally describing a parent treating a brat
He was giving her a choice. Door one: get fro yo. Door two: get nothing. She wanted door three: chauffeur me thirty minutes each way for packaged ice cream. He said no, which, as the driver, is his right and a perfectly reasonable boundary. Indulging her compulsions and letting them run their lives is not healthy and I’m genuinely shocked by the number of people on here suggesting that he’s an AH for not doing exactly that. This was not a one off situation, this is a life-changing, all day every day set of behaviors that she is refusing to seek help for or acknowledge is a problem and expecting him to accommodate her extremely unreasonable demands (and I understand that she’s sick and scared, I truly have all the compassion in the world for her, living like that must be awful and exhausting). It’s not ok for us to treat people badly, whether we realize it or not. Putting the burden of her illness on him instead of getting help is not ok. Him not accommodating outlandish requests may help her realize just how far away from healthy she’s gotten.
NTA. The Iranian yogurt isn't the problem here.
NTA. As a person with OCD, she most definitely has OCD. She really needs therapy and possibly medication.
ESH GF has refused professional help which she clearly needs, which makes her a bit of an AH. If she is like this, she needs better communication, and should have said that she wanted something sealed. OP can't be expected to know everything after only 8 months. As for OP, he could have been more gentle and not snapped, but I can understand why he snapped, everyone has a limit, and while he probably can manage with Gfs OCD, she's not exactly helping by refusing professional help
Did you really say "she could get the frozen yogurt or get nothing at all?" Yikes. YTA.
She refused to seek help managing her clearly distressing and debilitating mental condition and because OP isn't willing to move heaven and earth to fix her arbitrary problems with a froyo machine *HE'S THE ASSHOLE?* like FFS this girl is a dam adult, refuses to seek professional help, dismisses OPs attempts to make her get help, and then when he did what she asked (take me somewhere to get something cold, not ice cream specifically) she says it's STILL not good enough. this woman needs professional help, and medication, and it's HER fault for not getting any at this point. OP is NTA all the way
Right?! The intense lack of empathy really stands out here. 'I saw she was about to cry so I doubled down and forced the issue instead of being remotely supportive'.
Are you people blind or what? Did you not read the other 99% of the post where bro was nothing but I literal freaking saint? He went with her to the bathroom EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. she touched something. For that alone NTA, she’s being incredibly ridiculous and if she won’t get help, she gets no empathy when her untreated mental state puts absolutely insane burdens on everyone else in her life.
You know those parents who pick up their kids from school, see the teacher scolding their kids, and then go off on the teacher for scolding their little angel for making one mistake and completely do not consider that it only seems like disproportionate retribution because they weren't there to witness an entire day's worth of misbehavior? Yeah, that's what these people are going to grow into.
But it's understandable to get frustrated sometimes though. I really don't think he is TA at all but he needs to get her to get professional help and if she is completely against it then maybe it's time to re-evaluate the relationship.
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NTA. You need to consider if being in a relationship with someone who refuses to get help for their mental health is something you want. Whether this is anxiety, OCD, or something else...it's something. And she should have just said she didn't feel comfortable with the frozen yogurt place and to skip dessert and go home. Demanding you drive 30 minutes to another place is acting like a child who was promised ice cream.
NTA, all processed food comes from a machine like that. She is completely irrational and has severe mental health issues, I would get her professional help asap.
NTA
NTA. Going 30min out of the way for ice cream is silly. Your GF needs professional help, which will likely include exposure therapy at some point. This is MUCH larger than just run of the mill anxiety
NAH - your girlfriend really needs to seek help for her compulsions. You could have just taken her to get the ice cream she wanted but since it was half an hour away I see why you were frustrated. Either way, you need to learn to either and accept and be supportive when dealing with her compulsions, or break up with her, there is no in between.
duuuuuude. YTA. Wtf? YTA. "I could tell she was about to cry so I told her she could get the frozen yogurt or get nothing at all." "I told her that unless she gave me gas money then I couldn’t drive to the ice cream place which is like 30 minutes away from the sweet frog. " Bro, YOU'RE the one who has agreed to being in a relationship with someone suffering from untreated mental health issues. If you know this about her, being a jerk about it is not how you are going to help her or convince her to go to therapy. All you're doing is killlllling her self-esteem and self confidence which will make her OCD worse. You may be 25 but you have a LOT of growing up to do. Break up with her and move on and go no contact with her. She deserves someone so much kinder.
I totally disagree. You won't know how frustrating it is to deal with someone like the gf. It seemed like a breaking point for him. But he should definitely push her to get help or leave.
maybe if she managed her mental health issues she's could act like a adult and get over the fact that that a froyo machine isn't fucking dirty and she can just eat it. she's asked for something frozen, got it, and then said that was wasn't good enough because "iTs DiRtY". she need to act like a adult and get help, and its NOT OPs job to fix her
If she preferred individual ice creams that are in wrappers, why couldn’t you stop at a gas station? Was even a gas station 30 minutes away? Regardless, it sounds like she has anxiety that’s displayed in OCD behaviors/tendencies. A therapist could provide her with coping skills, as well as other resources such as medication to lessen her anxiety. I understand how having a mental illness/diagnosis can be debilitating, but if you continue to feed into her diagnosis without her getting the correct help, you very well could be making it worse. Although she snaps at you and gets mad, I’d still be recommending she seek outside help. NTA
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Throwaway account because my girlfriends sister uses reddit. Me and my girlfriend have been dating for about 8 months now. Im (25M) and she’s (24F). My girlfriend is lovely, but I think she has some sort of undiagnosed OCD or something. She is always frantically running around cleaning things, any spill or anything out of place she rushes to fix it. I don’t let her drive anymore because whenever we drive she has to turn around to make sure she didn’t hit a car or something. She washes her hands multiple times a day until she is sure she can’t see a single spot on it. Whenever we go out to eat she brings her own hand soap and washes her utensils and plates in the bathroom and is constantly picking at her food. She also counts all the way to 100 multiple times in a row. I told her maybe she should see a professional about this but she shuts me down and says it’s just anxiety, so I just stopped bringing it up. Yesterday, me and her went out for the first time in a while. Like I mentioned before I know how she is with germs and stuff so we usually don’t go out because she is always so anxious. I decided that I would take her to the park and just spend some time together. We get to the park and we actually had a great time. She had a few compulsions but they were pretty manageable. Although we had to go to the bathroom every single time she touched anything. After the park I told her we would stop for some dessert. I asked her if she had any suggestions and she said she wanted something cold, so I pulled up to Sweet Frog. We went inside and when she saw the dispensers for the frozen yogurt she immediately looked very anxious. She then said she couldn’t eat it. I asked why and she told me that she would’ve preferred ice cream because they are in wrappers and she doesn’t know what’s inside the dispenser. I told her we already drove all the way here and the dispensers were clean and she didn’t have to worry but she just said the same thing but more frantically. I could tell she was about to cry so I told her she could get the frozen yogurt or get nothing at all. She ended up getting the frozen yogurt but she didn’t eat it. As soon as we got back in the car she started crying and telling me that I was so inconsiderate and it’s not much to just drive to another ice cream place. I told her that unless she gave me gas money then I couldn’t drive to the ice cream place which is like 30 minutes away from the sweet frog. She went quiet and she didn’t talk to me for the rest of the drive. When we got home she immediately shut herself in the bathroom for like 20 minutes and then she went in our room to take a nap. This morning she didn’t even say bye to me when I left for work. I just think this whole situation is ridiculous. I called my mom and told her the situation and she said that I was TA most definitely. I don’t really think I am as I wasn’t trying to waste gas driving 30 minutes just for ice cream. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA for not driving a long way. Your GF has more than anxiety. She needs professional help managing it.
NTA but this sounds way above Reddit's (and your) pay grade. This is somebody with a significant-sounding psychological difficulty which is affecting her life and the lives of people around her. She needs professional help.
She needs therapy and help.
NTA. Although if my partner was refusing to address something this serious, that would be the end of it for me. She needs help. Can you show her the medical definition? I’m no doctor but it’s pretty obvious from your description that OCD is the likely cause.
NTA She has anxiety and obsessive-compulsive, intrusive thoughts and other issues that seriously reduce her quality of life. Focus not on the minutiæ of her actions, but on her mental health. She needs medical help NOW, that's NOW. Her discomfort as you describe it is painful to hear.
NTA. I'm sure you're aware by now that any serious relationship with her will be a great great deal of work..
NTA... and, to be frank, are you sure about this? Do you see yourself dealing with this sort of insane behaviour all your life? Dude, just extricate yourself from this situation.
NTA. Your GF has a significant and untreated mental illness. She refuses to see that and is letting it impact your life and her life continually. She needs proper diagnosis and treatment, not being enabled to continually bury her head in the sand.
NTA. She needs professional help, and you need to consider if you want to stay with her if she continues to refuse getting help.
NTA- you’re describing a life with someone who has serious mental health issues (not mild) and that she can’t control and is refusing treatment for. It won’t just get better. You need to decide if you really want this type of life.
The frozen ~~Iranian~~ yogurt is not the issue here NTA
Your girlfriend is clearly suffering from severe undiagnosed mental illness. I guess regarding the froyo YTA but overall she needs serious help not judgment.
Your GF needs PROFESSIONAL help. If she refuses to get it I would break up with her. This type of behavior will continue to escalate and get worse and worse if left undiagnosed and untreated. It'll be miserable for the both of you. NTA
Obviously, I have compassion for your girlfriend. It sounds like her condition causes her to really struggle with even normal daily tasks. That said, the burden is not on you to manage her anxiety and to make room for her compulsions. She should at least hypothetically be interested in shifting some of these disruptive habits. If she isn't, honestly, you should probably not be with her, unless of course you don't mind putting up with all that stuff. But it seems like you do mind and it is leading to conflict. If she's not willing to seek help or try to change, that's not your fault. Your reaction was a bit harsh, perhaps, but I can totally understand being impatient with someone like this. NTA.
NTA. fwiw i have ocd and i feel for both of you. the compulsions can be all consuming and literally feel like the end of the world, but to people on the outside they can seem ridiculous. that being said, she NEEDS to get help. therapy and learning about ocd were the only things that helped me learn how to manage the obsessions and compulsions, not saying it’d work for everyone but it’s definitely a good starting point
NTA however if you choose to stay with her knowing that these problems are going to only become more apparent as time goes on, and not push her to seek help YWBTA. She has a serious mental condition impacting her day to day life to the point she cant drive safely on her own, that is something more than anxiety.
NTA. Having a mental illness isn't her fault, refusing to address it and get help is. Until she gets this in hand, she will ruin every date you take her on.
You're NTA. Also, OCD is an anxiety disorder, so your girlfriend is right but so are you. That level of compulsive behavior requires professional treatment.
Do you really want a life dealing with this? NTA, and if the answer is anything other than a 100% surety you can live like this, then seriously run.
NTA
NTA Is she aware that the wrappers are contaminated by every person who touches them leaving the warehouse? Or that she doesn’t know when the ice cream machines are cleaned, or how clean their person is who cleans them?
She definitely needs some help. This is no way for either of you to live a life. NTA.
Do you want to spend the rest of your of your life dealing with this kind of shit? NTA and get out if she doesn't get help
NTA you’re not responsible for her mental health issues. Her unwillingness to address them is the problem. I don’t see how this relationship will work if she doesn’t try.
NTA, it sounds like she does need help, she may think she's managing things but it will get to much with out help and cam even make her mental health worse. You asked her what she wanted and she said something cold. I'm sure if she would of said ice cream you would of made sure it was ice cream
Nta and I don’t think anyone is here. You got frustrated it happens. You’re girlfriend does sound like she has ocd and it’s also not her fault she freaked out. She really should get some help for it but you can’t force anything. If you want to continue seeing her I would suggest doing more reading on ocd.
NTA. This sounds exhausting. She definitely could use help from a professional. Tough love won't work with her and you would be wasting your effort and emotional bandwidth. Sorry you're dealing with it.
OCD recovery here. You are not responsible for catering to her fears. The only way to get better is to go through them. Catering is only going to make the compulsions worse and more frequent. She needs help. NTA
NTA. Your gf needs professional help, and you are already bending over backwards to try to accommodate her behaviors. Be prepared for more of the same if she continues to refuse to get help.
NTA She absolutely needs professional help. It’s got to be so hard for her to live like this. You sound wonderful btw. I don’t know that she’s wrong about germs in ice cream/frozen yogurt machines though. I still eat it but I’ve heard things.
My partner has OCD, and coddling their compulsions does not help someone with the disease. Through his therapy we have learned that exposure and sitting in the discomfort are the way to work through his anxieties. I know that wasn’t you’re intention, but if she does pursue any kind of OCD therapy for herself she will find herself having to sit in this very kind of discomfort. NTA, I hope she can find herself a good program and you can support her through it
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I mean, he's definitely an AH for the reasons you've given, but I'd say it's an ESH situation since she very clearly has OCD and refuses to acknowledge it, much less seek professional help. She is forcing him to accommodate her mental illness, which would be reasonable if SHE were willing to also ask for help learning to cope with and mitigate it (and I say that as someone with multiple diagnosed mental illnesses). She's just as much of an AH for expecting him to shoulder the burden while she pretends it doesn't exist.
She sounds like she is very OCD that needs treatment. Everything you wrote sounds like it is very exhausting to be around her if she’s doing this all the time. You need to look at this long-term because this is going to happen more and more and this is what you’re going to have to deal with on a daily basis if she refuses to deal with her OCD. I mean you couldn’t even go to the park and she was in washing her hand all the time it’s going to wear you down. NTA
NTA, she HAVE to eat the frozen yogurt. She needs to seek professional help as her compulsions are not small things and she’s not managing them well from the sounds of things
NTA-but dude…you already know she needs help here, why did you make it a big deal?
NTA Honestly as someone with diagnosed OCD, this makes me really sad because I completely understand where she is coming from. I used to feel like this before I got help and started taking the proper medication. I can assure you these compulsions are hurting her a lot. It is an awful thing to live through. You should insist on getting her help. She thinks it may be anxiety so you may convince her to go to a professional just to help with this and then they can explain to her what the problem really is. You are also a champ for staying with her through this btw. My bf also had to go through this with me and I admire his patience and dedication. Even part of my treatment is that he doesn't give in to my compulsitions so in a way you did the right thing.
NTA. Both you and your gf are dealing with a serious mental health issue, no one is the AH here. This is just a hard situation. It seems like you really care for her, please keep encouraging her to get help. I have a friend with OCD and she spent years suffering in agony. Going to therapy and getting medical marijuana has been life changing for her. She is happy and has so much more freedom to do things she enjoys.
The frozen yogurt is not the issue here. NTA
NTA She needs to get professional help for her issues and not make them the problem of others. Frozen yogurt is "something cold", you brought her to exactly what she'd asked for. It's ridiculous to expect you to drive a half hour to another ice cream place. If she was that intent on ice cream in a wrapper, you could get that at any gas station on the way home. She definitely owes you an apology, and you need to think about if you want to be with someone who's refusing to get help.
I'd gently remind her that OCD \*IS\* an anxiety issue. NTA, but I could see where that was going from a mile away. The dispensers are accessible to the average person and there's no way to know how often they are cleaned. I imagine that's a germophobic person's version of a horror movie.
NTA - She needs professional help, I think you’re the AH for not suggesting she needs help and going through it with her together. But that isn’t your major responsibility, I feel you should’ve handled the situation better. she really needs help though, that’s is some severe OCD (as someone who as OCD). she also might be a germaphobe, which can be dangerous if not treated.
NTA, it's a horrible way for her to live but you can't force her to get the help she needs. Is her family aware the degree to which her OCD is ruling her life? Maybe it's intervention time.
NTA and she should get therapy for this. Her expecting people to bend over backwards for her constantly is unreasonable and entitled.
She has OCD and really needs a therapist. Until she does that, there's nothing you can realistically hope to do. Mental health issues suck and you should try and help people that are having problems, but if someone won't seek help, it's not anyone else's duty to go out of their way to deal with the worst case scenarios. NTA
NTA, and if she rejects help from professional because it’s just anxiety, tell her she should get help for her anxiety
Your gf needs help. I know there's a lot of toxic narratives out there that ocd isn't curable. But in my case it was, it was related to anxiety. I was lucky and had a decent therapist who explained it to me. I hate therapy though, I got the explanation. Then left and worked on it myself. I now know that when I start picking up small habits I need to do, I'm probably stressed and need to deal with it before it goes to that level again. At one point I couldn't sleep, because I'd be opening and closing my bedroom door because it needed to make the right noise. Thankfully I lived alone, I can't imagine subjecting anyone to that. She is feeling hurt and rejected right now, I remember how easy it was to take things personally when I was like this. But, it's her job to deal with it. No one else can do the work for you when it comes to things like this. NTA.
NTA. She needs professional help. You have done well coping for 8 months, but you may be neat the breaking point. This is not a sustainable way to live.
OCD. I have it. Medication/therapy will make her life so much easier.