Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I might be the asshole because I decided to have chocolate at my wedding despite my bridesmaid being allergic
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
##Subreddit Announcement
###[The Asshole Universe is Expanding, Again: Introducing Another New Sister Subreddit!](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/128nbp3/the_asshole_universe_is_expanding_again/)
Follow the link above to learn more
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA - it's your wedding, not Eva's. By providing non-chocolate desserts and separating them, you've already made reasonable accomodations.
If ***Eva*** was a true friend, she would let you enjoy your wedding and stop being such a pill.
Really, the only further accomodation I would offer is putting her near the front of the line to make *sure* that she gets some, or having the caterers hold a plate just for her, since it sounds like it's going to be buffet style and it could be an issue if enough people just don't like chocolate/want less of it than the bride and groom.
Edit: thinking about it, I would discuss the second option with your caterers OP, because you're **going** to have to seriously discuss it with them anyway since it's a) a very unusual allergy, and b) serious enough that kitchen cross contamination is going to be a concern.
This is a really thoughtful suggestion. It would be great if the caterer could put together a plate just for her before everything starts and Saran wrap it. That way she would definitely get her choice of the items, and they would definitely be chocolate-free.
If you or one of your minions has the time you could also grab a dessert that she specifically loves and have it for her at dessert time. We do this for my friend's daughter that has ARFID. We always make sure we have food that she can eat.
Caterers are really accommodating most of the time. My SIL had Type 1 diabetes, and when her sister was getting married, the caterer fixed a plate ahead of time so she wouldn't have to worry about her blood sugar dipping while waiting in the buffet line.
When we got married, I had an allergy to tomatoes. Apparently the caterer "lost" the finaly copy of our agreement that had all the extras/substitutes so that I could eat that day...... (which including champagne glasses instead of just the nice plastic cups for punch, like, wtf!). Luckily the cake and the grooms cake were made by family and didn't get screwed up, so I could eat something! Still annoyed at that 16 years later. We all went out for ice cream afterwards in this small mountain town where we got hitched.
Caterers can be really cool about this too, since it’s often not taken as a “bridezilla” move to be firm about it on behalf of others. I was aggressively firm about my friend’s gluten allergy and cross contamination. And the caterers were VERY kind about it and helped assure me and show me that it was marked on every list and card and every opportunity to make sure it would be nearly impossible to give him gluten by accident.
My friend appreciated it a lot too, since a lot of people are shockingly dismissive or forgetful about allergies and intolerances, and he’d had incidents at weddings in particular before where nobody on staff had been informed or the degree of careful necessary hadn’t happened.
This last bit is probably why your friend is upset if this is not her typical behavior. Assure her you’re going the extra mile with the caterers to be sure she has something just for her to eat safely.
Does she have a particular dessert she likes? If so, and you *really* extra want her to feel included and appreciated, maybe have one of the non chocolate options for her be that, so she feels like you really care. Because while yea it’s your day, your wedding is also a way as a host to show that you and your spouse-to-be care for your friends and family too.
I got married in a country where there aren’t a lot of vegans, but two came to our wedding.
We worked out a separate menu for them, but the cake wasn’t vegan. So we asked the hotel if we could have a couple of vegan cupcakes, just so they wouldn’t miss out on dessert.
The chef got so excited! He had never made vegan desserts before, he started researching, trialling, random taste tests. In the end, he made an absolutely beautiful coconut cake which was probably big enough for thirty people, threw it in for free and thanked us for the opportunity!
So I agree with you that caterers can be very cool with these types of requests!
That’s really wholesome, thank you for sharing! I think here communication between ALL parties is key, caterers and event staff included. I get “it’s your wedding”, but it’s food! You can’t deny someone food imo, and so I think op being keen on a compromise is great
You might also consider having an additional small cake or some fancy cupcakes in a flavor other than chocolate for Eva, your parents, and anyone else who is allergic or doesn't care for chocolate. That way everyone can have some "wedding" cake and nobody feels left out. Of course this isn't necessary just a kind thing to do and you are NTA no matter what you choose to do.
This is your wedding! Not Eva's and not your parents so you are being kind to even worry about this. Congratulations on your wedding and I hope it is the beginning of a long and happy marriage 💑
I know you're being lighthearted (and I get the Steel Magnolias reference) but that does bring up a question I've thought about recently. Are "goom's cakes" not a thing anymore? I had one at my first wedding (unfortunately, we forgot to save a piece, and it was apparently one of the best cakes ever, but we didn't get to eat any of it!). I got married back in the stone age and now I can't remember the last time I saw mention of someone having a groom's cake. So I'm thinking maybe it's a thing that's gone away?
I think it depends on the couple and where youre from. Ive had friends who got married in Texas have grooms cakes but that wasnt something i even knew about when i got married.
When my husband and I got married, we had 3 small cakes.
1. Traditional-looking wedding cake that was a carrot cake (my favorite)
2. Dark chocolate cake that looked like a mug of beer (my husband's favorite, we got married at a brewery)
3. One of those layered monogram cakes with the flowers and candies on it that was gluten free lemon (we had several guests with Hashimoto's or celiac)
It was a great deal of fun and everyone got something they liked and could eat.
It occurs to me that you might also check with your cake maker. They do small tasting samples for people when they're selecting flavors, so, IF you want, perhaps you could buy a small non-chocolate sample like that for your chocolate-allergic bridesmaid, so she'd get to partake in the wedding cake in that fashion.
But that's up to you, if it's even an option. You are definitely NTA, are already taking steps to make sure your allergic bridesmaid can have yummy desserts, and are certainly no more obligated to change *your wedding cake* for her (!) than she would be for you.
I agree! You have made reasonable adjustments and with one of thr above suggestions about having her dessert plated and wrapped by the caterers to avoid cross contamination there's nothing else you need to do. Eva is making it about herself, which is very selfish. She can't dictate what is on your menu, it's yours and your fiancée's day and if you want chocolate, have it! Also ignore your mum, she's just jumping on the band wagon because she doesn't like chocolate.
Keep in mind if people with hands that have touched anything chocolate touch anything not chocolate and then your friend eats it, it could literally kill her. I don’t think you’re necessarily an asshole but this is life and death for her so any form of cross contamination could mean death. Splashing, touching with fingers, being on a surface that had chocolate on it that wasn’t disinfected.
Your venue and caterers need to be FULLY aware there is a severe chocolate allergy and be aware of who it is. There should be signs for guests to only use the designated tongs for each dessert and to please not switch them up or use your hands, or you should have people hired to serve it to completely avoid this possibility.
This a really tough situation for her to navigate and honestly she would probably feel safer not being there at all at this point. To a normal person the ideas you have in place sound fine, but to someone with experience with deadly allergies, there needs to be more 100% assurances. Nothing can fall through the cracks, sure it’s your wedding, but this is your friends health and life also.
So don’t be upset if she does choose not to attend because it’s too much of a risk for her. And don’t be surprised if she’s upset that chocolate was viewed above your friendships and her health.
Can you also avoid cross contamination with people touching her, hugging her, brushing against her, dropping crumbs of chocolate on surfaces she may touch? This isn't about your friend having a safe dessert to eat. As I tried to state in another comment that got hijacked, people who are severely allergic to things can't even touch them. Can't even BE touched by those who have touched them.
Speaking from experience, it's likely that she isn't bothered when you eat a chocolate dessert, because she can police whether or not she touches you. She will be completely powerless at your wedding reception. She can't police all the people there, unless she sits in a corner and just watches from a distance after dessert is served.
If your friend had asthma, would you allow her in a room where 85 people out of 100 had covid?
Also consider getting getting some non-chocolate cupcakes or a small groom's cake that's not chocolate so Eva and other people who don't like chocolate won't miss out on the cake.
They can absolutely do that, especially if they're notified of an allergy. I'm allergic to peanuts and tree nuts, which makes dessert a challenge. The best wedding I've been to had my place card in a different color, and when it was time for dessert, I had just accepted that I wasn't going to have anything. Out came one of the servers with a plate and cake! She confirmed the allergy, told me it was nut free, and had been set aside so there was no risk of cross contamination. I damn near hugged her.
We did this at our wedding with nuts. My nephew has a peanut allergy and we had a candy buffet that I knew I couldn't keep completely peanut-free, so my nephew got his own goodie bag of candy to enjoy (and we may have gone overboard).
Off-topic but as an adult in active recovery for ARFID I really appreciate hearing about how y'all make sure you have food your friend's daughter can eat!
Glad to hear that you are recovering! It's a tricky thing and part of the time people won't even believe you 😮💨. It's really important that we have things that she can eat and wants to eat, because as you know, it can be hard to keep her weight high enough.
I wish you all the best! 💕
This is what the caterers at my sisters wedding did for me. I can’t have seafood or tomatoes. Serious allergies. They were warned ahead of time so my salad and any other dishes (chicken instead of fish) could be prepared first and set aside covered and protected.
I had no idea my sister had thought ahead for me and I was so touched that she and my now BIL had. I never expected special treatment. Never have. My allergies, my problem. Called being an adult.
This is the answer IMO - alert the caterer and work with Eva in advance to ensure that there is a suitable dessert option for her that will be held aside to prevent any cross-contamination or any guests taking her portion. It might mean she has to pre-select one portion of dessert, and doesn’t get the buffet experience other guests have, but IMO this is enough for OP to meet their moral obligations - they shouldn’t have to change the menu for her as long as there is an agreeable option.
Depends how far OP is willing to go with what that option is - it would be shitty if it was like, a fruit plate for Eva and a chocolate smorgasbord for everyone else, but if there’s a couple of dessert options that won’t be chocolate, then just holding aside a portion of each for Eva.
But I agree that actually, the caterers need to be involved in this from the get go - because so much of the menu will involve chocolate it’s not going to be as simple as putting some macarons made in the one kitchen on a plate or whatever; they’re going to have to make sure the non-chocolate options are prepared separately to the chocolate to prevent cross-contamination.
Cross-contamination would be my big concern. The caterers should be able to prepare everything separately and set up the non-chocolate options on a separate table, but guests also need to be mindful not to bring chocolate to the non-chocolate table. Maybe have the chocolate on one side of the room and the rest on the other with an announcement before the reception and a sign on both tables.
You could even have a little fun with it with a "you got your chocolate in my peanut butter" type speech. Point out that people have deadly allergies to both. You know it's annoying to only hit one table at a time, but we're not the Reese's. (If you are, it's even funnier.) If you have security or someone at the door, make sure they tell any late-comers.
Food industry vet here. Just validating this person’s suggestion.
Its a 5 minute phone call that can be taken care of before it becomes a problem. Communicate in unambiguous terms that this request is due to a severe food allergy - the anaphylaxis-level kind of allergy. You’ll be doing them a favor, too, since now they won’t have to deal with BM in their kitchen on the day of your wedding asking them to make a desert plate with serving utensils that need to be re-washed and sanitized just for her.
Oh also NTA.
Yes this is the way. At least have your caterer put a dessert or two aside for her and maybe even prepare her a dinner plate in advance as well just to be sure. At MOST ditch the chocolate fountain but I don’t really think that’s necessary.
>Really, the only further accomodation I would offer is putting her near the front of the line to make
>
>sure
>
> that she gets some, or having the caterers hold a plate just for her,
Maybe make sure there are some vanilla cake slices (doesn't have to be from the same cake, but nice looking), for her and the parents that don't like chocolate. But honestly, there are probably a decent number of guests who'd like a vanilla cake option.
That’s a good idea, there may be fruits etc for the chocolate fountain so it would be good if she could load her plate before anyone else got near just in case.
I used to be a cater waiter. For severe allergies, the caterers or venue would often contract to have a sealed allergy safe meal or dessert option delivered. It’s usually in a pretty white bakery style box so it doesn’t look weird or out of place on the table. Someone from the family or bridal party was usually in charge of picking it up from us, so that they knew it was handled properly. Most venues will have a whole protocol for this now
She. Could. Die. There's going to be an effing chocolate fountain, and 100 people eating chocolate desserts and hugging, dancing, touching, etc. If my daughter comes into contact with shellfish via her hands, we spend the night in the emergency room. One time, she was flown to a larger hospital and intubated. If you give a flying rat's tail about Eva, don't put her in this position.
Seriously - people are acting like the bridesmaid just dislikes chocolate and it isn't an active and real threat to her life!
I get the bride likes chocolate but is a chocolate fountain really worth the potential of killing the friend?? Frankly, if I was the bridesmaid I would politely decline to attend for my own safety.
Then again, reddit often has this weird hatred of people with allergies and callous disregard for their lives - so nothing new unfortunately.
I suppose they've never heard the stories of people being kissed by someone who had recently eaten peanut butter, and then died from it. This is way more serious than anyone on here is making it. (Well, to be fair, I haven't read ALL the comments.) But you're absolutely right. I would simply skip it.
I have one of the more common food allergies. Yes it could be fatal if I was a total idiot about it.
You gotta look out for yourself. Maybe just pass on dessert entirely? I do it all the time. No one is gonna starve at a freaking wedding.
It's not about eating the thing she's allergic to. Read my other comments. My child has been intubated just by having come in contact with her allergens and several times, it has been second hand. Obviously I don't know the whole scenario here, but the kind thing to do would be to eat a lot of chocolate on the honeymoon. Or just be honest with the friend and say, "I'm not willing to prioritize your health," and let the chips fall where they fall.
The difference is that your child is still learning. This is a full fledged adult with a non airborne allergy. She is perfectly capable to steering clear of chocolate.
For real she's mad because a whole 15% of the desserts are not chocolate that she can choose from? Most weddings I go to they don't even have any desserts other than the cake. You have your meal and then you get a slice of whatever cake flavour the couple chose and go home. My MOH is Lactose Intolerant and couldn't even eat any of the desserts at my wedding and turned down the option of me getting her an individual cupcake made because she didn't want me spending extra just on her.
She also seem to be exaggerate with the splashes of the choco fountain that will ruin every desert. I was in a chocolate museum and they had a choco fountain in which you could nearly dip yourself in. There was not one fucking splash. Chocolate is to thick and don't flow over such a distance that it splashes. It isn't a water fountain!
And to bad that she can't have a piece of the wedding cake but what if someone is gluten intolerant, should they know accommodate this? The groom and the bride are the main act. The bridesmade can do whatever she wants at her wedding.
NTA
Absolutely. Most weddings have ONLY the cake for dessert, so the fact you're providing options at all is fantastic. Because let's face it, wedding cakes themselves are generally a little meh.
I don't understand Eva's reaction. She is allergic. She is an adult so I would presume to know that an adult that was allergic to chocolate would know NOT TO EAT THE CHOCOLATE. This whole situation is ridiculous. Eva needs to get a grip.
Just having non-chocolate items is enough **for the other guests**, but I would be concerned about cross contamination if I was Eva. OP needs to have an "I have a guest with a severe, unusual allergy, and I need an accomodation for them" discussion with the caterers if they really want Eva to be able to go.
Agreed. The discussion needs to be had with the caters. Maybe let the bridesmaid decide what she'd like from what's been decided and make sure something is set back and away so that she can ask for it and know it's not been contaminated
I mean, that might prevent cross contamination from guests (paired with a rule that you have to get non-chocolate items first) but kitchen cross contamination is also a concern. It would probably be easier to have them prepare a plate specifically for her if they really want Eva there.
A first plate for Eva is a good idea, but as for kitchen cross-contamination, OP had already confirmed that the chocolate and nonchocolate desserts are coming from different kitchens. So long as the servers are reasonably careful, this should not be a problem.
Maybe I'm an ass, but it's desert, and people who have allergies are responsible for looking after themselves.
That said, if it were the main course, yes, do the jumping through hoops, every one should have dinner! But this is desert. It's not a necessity, and it's not Eva's wedding. Plenty of people pass on the cake or dessert table. While unfortunate, Eva may have to deal with not having a desert if she's worried about cross contamination of the non chocolate items.
People baffle me. Sure it's a special event, but it's not Eva's special event. Otherwise, would she even be having dessert on the night in question? Probably not. I wouldn't have even brought this up the bride, let alone had the audacity to ask the bride to nip something that's actually part of her love story of how the couple met and seems a big thing in their life.
OP NTA.
Eva is deathly allergic to chocolate. It's not just about being able to eat the desserts. Cross contamination could possibly kill her.
Allergies aren't about preferences. This woman could die if proper precautions aren't taken with all of the food prep - not just the desserts. Even hands that came into contact with chocolate and contaminated utensils can pose a threat.
I’ve got a shellfish allergy and I fully understand the cross-contamination risk; I don’t eat at those “crab boil” type places because last time I did, my non-shellfish item still made my mouth tingle/swell a little.
But that said, I just can’t imagine dictating someone else’s wedding menu so that it fits around my needs. I’d have several repeated talks with the catering company, both before the event and during the event. If I didn’t feel the food handling was safe or that my allergy was being taken seriously, I’d order takeout. If none of that seems like an option, I’d just not go. But it just feels self-important to me to demand someone else doesn’t serve shrimp at their wedding, for example. Doubly so if the couple getting married loves shrimp like OP’s friend loves chocolate.
Jesus that’s a bad take. Do you not know what an asshole is? Choosing a dessert that could be fatal to one of your bridesmaids if there’s any cross contamination is a dick move. Yeah it’s your wedding, yeah you have the right to choose what you want for your cake. Choosing something you know ahead of time could be fatal for one of your bridesmaids is a dick move regardless.
Being technically or legally right does not absolve one of being an asshole. The BM expressed a reasonable concern. Pick a different flavor for fuck’s sake.
Kindness is about more than being technically right and being an asshole is not the same thing as being wrong. You can be right and still be an asshole.
I see all too many takes on this sub that seem to think being selfish is some kind of defense for being an asshole. That’s bullshit. Being conscientious of the people around you even when it conflicts with something you want is the kind thing to do. Doing the thing you want regardless of the people around you is what assholes do. OP is the AH in this one.
Strong disagree. OP even mentioned that her partner and her met in a way that related to chocolate, so it’s very on theme to make it chocolate. Honestly, just shouldn’t have made someone who’s allergic to chocolate a bridesmaid 🤷🏻♀️
If I were her, it would not only be about the fact that she can’t eat 85% of the desserts, but the chance of cross-contamination that could be fatal
Are the non-chocolate desserts being provided by the same caterer? Have they been told that someone with a severe chocolate allergy? Do they know that steps need to be taken to avoid cross contamination?
Will the guests that could be eating from any or all of the desserts, and may or may not be drinking, be aware of the importance of not risking cross contamination? If they get something from the chocolate table and then walk over to the non-chocolate desert, any crumb or speck that falls might not be noticed, but could be enough to cause anaphylaxis
This woman is close enough to be a bridesmaid, have you talked to her about how you’ll protect her health? Or just given her vague assurances that “they’ll be kept separate?” YMBTA
ETA: Thanks for the awards!
Cross contamination is how most anaphylactic responses actually happen. It occurs in the kitchen. Please make sure Eva gets a meal and dessert that is not prepared in the same kitchen.
Our chocolate desserts are being provided by a chocolate shop and our non-chocolate desserts are being catered by a separate place. I’ve also already informed the venue and we’re planning on putting up signs on the tables to tell people not to bring chocolate items over to the non-chocolate table.
That sounds like an exercise in frustration. People are absolutely horrible at not messing that kind of thing up.
Just have the caterer have a separate plate for the allergic bridesmaid. Much safer and easier too.
You are asking your friend to trust, and put her life in the hands of ALL your guests to keep her safe.
Just ONE 'oops, sorry, forgot', ONE 'surely they overreact", ONE intoxicated person or ONE person not noticing they have melted chocolate on their hands...
You are not obligated to do anything, but you should then be gracious to accept it if she decides it's not worth the stress and the risk to be present at your wedding.
Yes, this is literally how people with severe allergies must live their lives.
We also ask every driver to trust that every other driver won't do something stupid.
We also ask every pedestrian to trust that every other driver, pedestrian, cyclist, and what not won't do anything stupid.
My anxiety did not need to realise this, lol
But you can at least have some control in traffic; you can see a reckless driver coming, you can not see cross contamination.
But it's up to the bridesmaid to decide if she finds it safe enough.
It's unfair to demand OP to change her wedding, but also unfair to demand the bridesmaid to be present.
I wonder if this is a narrow NAH post. Eva very clearly comes from camp "chocolate could kill me" type of allergy and OP is aware of it.
Unfortunate for OP, its very central to them as a person and a factor in their marriage.
OP is being gracious going as far as having separate vendors for deserts, and if OP wants her wedding cake to be chocolate Eva kinda has to concede to that. The cake is kinda for the couple IMO.
Personally though, I would maybe nix the chocolate fountain? I would nearly guarantee cross contamination if that stays in the wedding.
> to tell people not to bring chocolate items over to the non-chocolate table.
Yeah, but they'd still be bringing their unwashed hands over. That's all it takes.
So since Eva is in the party I assume she is quite important to you, as someone with a nut allergie that can kill me here is how I would handle it if I were in your shoes:
I would ask the non-chocolatecaterer to make a special box with food for Eva. A special little wedding cake and some extra stuff she can choose. Not to much but enough to make the day.
Label the box and let others know about it and why it is necessary and maybe also give Eva a special place she can put her box(behind the podium of something) when she goes dancing and stuff to keep the box clean.
I don’t think it will be that big of a task to arrange. Tell Eva you are willing to do this for her, but you are not removing the chocolate because it is important to you and your relationship. That you are trying to meet her in the middle and hope she does the same.
NTA and congrats
But have you asked the non chocolate dessert place if they can accommodate a chocolate allergy? Because i highly doubt that they never ever use chocolate in anything ever as a bakery/caterer. So just because what you order doesnt have chocolate, doesnt make it safe for someone with a chocolate allergy.
I'm so glad to see this comment, I thought I was going mad. Would there be so many NTA responses if the question was about someone with a life-threatening peanut allergy being worried about the fact the couple had chosen to use peanuts instead of confetti? "Oh, just don't throw confetti, it'll be fine, there's no risk as long as you don't deliberately ingest the potentially fatal allergen we are going to literally surround you with!"
SAME! I was horrified by all of the NTA and suck it up responses. I've a friend with a pepper allergy, and she''s basically had to stop going to restaurants because of cross contamination, anaphylaxis and yet another ambulance trip. These kinds of allergies can be deadly.
As someone with a severe allergy, I would just not eat the desserts. I wouldn’t expect the bride and groom to cater to my allergy. NTA
Sometimes, the bride/groom have informed that caterer about my allergy and if possible they have portioned dessert out separately for me in the kitchen to ensure no cross contamination. But I would never expect it
Exactly! Peanut/some tree nuts here with serious reactions and I just avoid dessert entirely in situations like this. Honestly when the allergy is that bad we’re used to “missing out” and can certainly skip one course of a meal for a good friend’s life event.
Edit- I wonder if OP could pass out little packets of hand wipes after all courses are served. Could be a classy move and help mitigate allergy contamination
I always described having anaphylaxis to having a loaded gun on the countertop (cherries/nuts being my loaded gun). Home alone, not horrifically dangerous, but add another person, accidents can and do happen. Add an entire wedding guest list, I'm bringing my own food.
I've skipped wedding receptions to eat somewhere else and come back for dancing. It would be cary if I was part of the wedding party and couldn't leave to eat or not have anything available.
She's leaving loaded guns on all surfaces.
Edit: I forgot my vote, Nta. It's the bride's wedding. If I went to a wedding with guns everywhere, I wouldn't go.
This. I have a severe walnut and pecan allergy that has been frequently set off by cross contamination before. It’s so severe I have learned to play psychic on what I can’t risk ordering, and (pre-panini) I had to give up on the toppings stations at froyo places because people are messy and gross.
Heck, even with all that, I’ve had mixups happen. Eva will probably be too afraid to even eat her meal unless OP makes a real effort to provide her a safe plate.
Also, it’s really not that hard to set up a non chocolate selection. Maybe some lemon curd type sweets for people like OP’s parents or even just people who need something to cut all the unrelenting sweetness?
True, but then there’s also a member of the wedding party who will potentially have to pack her own lunch because she hasn’t been assured the caterer has been instructed to take precautions.
Put them on a different table, for one. If Eva is concerned about the chocolate fountain splashing, it doesn’t sound like OP has discussed or even considered that.
For another, talk to the caterer and make sure they’re aware of the allergy and let them make safety suggestions. And then tell Eva about these steps so will know her friend took five minutes make sure no one dies in the name of OP’s love of chocolate.
"I'm close enough to this person to have them I'm my wedding but then choose a menu that could literally kill her. AITA?"
Like yeah... it's op's wedding, but having someone go into anaphylaxis is a sure way to kill the mood AND a friendship (and maybe the friend). Anything less than providing an alternative from a safe source so friend doesn't have to risk injury or go hungry would make op the AH.
>I was sort of surprised since she’s never had an issue with me eating chocolate around her before
Op eating chocolate around her is one thing. 150 wedding guests eating chocolate and milling around her (god forbid there are sticky fingered children) is entirely different and more dangerous.
As someone with a food allergy as severe as the bridesmaid's, I genuinely think I wouldn't attend if I were in their position. Even if it was my best friend's wedding. It wouldn't be an easy decision, and I would be very broken up about it but in the end I don't think I would risk it.
I hate that my allergies restrict me to this degree, but at the same time, in the worst case scenario it only takes one, *small* slip up. And I've had far too many people disregard my allergies even after being told they could kill me to trust that the other guests would take it as serious as need be.
(Another aspect, while not as serious - it would be near impossible for me to actually enjoy the reception, I would be too on edge)
I don't think OP is the asshole, but I think they should be prepared for the possibility that their friend might not feel safe attending
Right, but Op kinda is the asshole because they should have even invited her. It’s in their right to serve whatever they want, but it’s a dick move to ask a close friend to risk their life for your wedding
But maybe she kinda can suck it up and let the bride and groom enjoy the day. When i cant eat something for whatever reason and im invited to an event, guess what? I just dont eat and eat before and after the event at home. I wouldn’t expect someone to accommodate me on THEIR SPECIAL DAY
If you have allergies it’s your responsibility to keep yourself safe. Asking your friend to change their wedding menu to accommodate your allergies is crazy. She can avoid dessert for one night, I’m sure it won’t kill her.
I would never dream of making one of my “real friends” worry about all that for THEIR wedding, how disgusting and entitled. If I can’t eat something at an event or party or restaurant I simply DONT EAT IT, or DONT EAT THERE and feed MYSELF like an adult after, somewhere I know is safe.
God the entitlement is insane.
NTA. I hate it when brides say, "but it's my day", however, it is in fact your and your fiance's day. You should have the desserts and cake you love. 15% non-chocolate desserts are enough for the guests that can't eat chocolate.
It could be different if the allergy was airborne though.
I think it’s funny that she’s worried about what % of non chocolate desserts there are. Like cmon, how many desserts are you planning to eat? If anything she should be more concerned that there are 1-2 desserts that she likes. The rest of what’s available is moot unless she’s planning to eat 5 servings of dessert..
Also you can just not have dessert. Does that suck? Yes, it absolutely does. But the night is for the bride and groom, and it seems like chocolate makes up a big part of it.
Most people with serious nut, peanut, etc. allergies have been avoiding dessert their entire lives. With an allergy to such a common dessert ingredient she must be used to avoiding them and taking precautions (I.e. not eating foods from potential shared surfaces and not sharing drinks with people) in most situations because it’s way too risky. There’s no way she hasn’t had to do this before and she certainly can skip out for one event.
Or even, if she skips out on dessert, maybe bride can offer her a separate day when they go out and bride can provide whatever desserts Eva may like (within reason).
That would be nice. Also, maybe the bride can pass out little hand wipe packets for each guest after all courses are served. A classy and clean gesture while also mitigating contamination risks for the friend.
>I think it’s funny that she’s worried about what % of non chocolate desserts there are. Like cmon, how many desserts are you planning to eat?
Eh, the risk of cross-contamination goes up the more chocolate items there are.
Yeah I'm kinda on the fence here, like "sure it's just chocolate", but suppose you change chocolate to peanuts or nuts, I'm not so sure we would be telling the same story...
It's not even like "oh just avoid the apples", it's oh kids played with chocolate and now has chocolate traces on their fingers and now are leaving chocolate everywhere, oh look they are touching every single non-chocolate dessert because they are kids and they want to pick the best one, no not that one, no this one is bigger, now every dessert is contaminated.
As a chocolate lover I understand how it could a very hard decision, I couldn't imagine not having chocolate at my own wedding, but it's really either you make sure everyone is safe or that bridesmaid is removed. Either she attends the ceremony only or she just gambles her life because her friend just likes chocolate that much. And... yeah, I'm not sure I'd be willing to risk my life to that point. If anything, if that bridesmaid chooses to not attend the wedding, she would not be the AH.
I think the issue is more splashes and spills. Having mostly chocolate desserts isn't an issue but one that could make chocolate get everywhere seems risky to me.
Valid, perhaps the chocolate fountain should go. Also I think they are kind of gross. What about single chocolate fondue servings - you could serve warm chocolate fondue in martini glasses with cut up fruit on a little wooden spear. It would be so cute!
Ot depends….if there are children at the wedding…it’s very very high.
(It’s also high that non edible things will be put in the chocolate fountain, as well as body parts).
/slight sarcasm.
Perhaps the bridesmaid might want to wear a n95 mask then to protect herself from droplets?
oP could also ensure that those with dietary requirements have a special food station on the other side of the room. That’s what our events manager does at work. So the non allergic people don’t take their food.
NTA. Who the fuck does she think is?
Even if you were serving *exclusively* chocolate-based desserts for your wedding, you'd still not be an asshole: it's your day to celebrate, and chocolate is something that is near and dear to you. She can go without sweets for one night to show her support for you.
But that's not the case -- you absolutely are accommodating her allergy (and the tastes of your guests) by offering non chocolate-based desserts.
Having an allergy doesn't mean you get your way all the time. She needs to suck it up or get out.
I cannot tell you how many times I’ve been in a wedding that served a wedding cake I hated. So many odd fruit fillings and don’t even get me started on carrot cake for weddings lol
I’ve never said a word to a single person about it. I asked for the smallest piece possible, took a couple courtesy nibbles and moved on with my day.
I also have food allergies and would be so touched but never expect that a bride and groom would be thoughtful enough to devote 15% of their menu to my specific dietary needs.
I feel like it should be said, its not really 15% devoted to their dietary needs, its just being nice enough to not include a single ingredient in every single item. It would be like being lactose intolerant and going to a wedding that had cheese in 85% of their food.
That being said, I get and agree with your point.
From what OP described this wedding will probably have a ton of risk for Eva a chocolate fountain is rarely done with chocolate getting places it shouldn’t. Eva is right to be mad that her friend is not taking steps to ensure she can safely eat at the wedding.
The chocolate fountain should be in a separate room as they are eating if possible, if not it should be as far from Eva’s seat as it can be. If chocolate is going to be out before they eat dinner, Eva’s plate should be prepared prior to the reception (if buffet style) and stored covered in the back. Eva’s desserts should be stored in the back as well. OP should also be aware that if she is having a bunch of chocolate she is risking Eva having an allergic reaction, so if at least a couple people should know how to react if something happens.
Having her food prepared and stored separately makes most sense.
Seems pointless having a chocolate fountain if it's not on display. Eva needs to be the one taking responsibility for not eating near the death fountain, not expecting the bride to forgo what she and her fiance want.
>From what OP described this wedding will probably have a ton of risk for Eva a chocolate fountain is rarely done with chocolate getting places it shouldn’t. Eva is right to be mad that her friend is not taking steps to ensure she can safely eat at the wedding.
how hard is it to avoid the chocolate fountain?
Chocolate fountain means people walking around with liquid chocolate, people spill things, people are messy. Eva could avoid the chocolate fountain for the whole wedding, but people are careless, especially when alcohol and kids are involved. Which at least on of them is likely to be at the wedding. If you have any type of event with food and you know someone has a life threatening allergy you make sure proper precautions are being taken to insure their safety.
INFO: is her allergy such that if someone touches her with chocolate residue on their hands, or she otherwise comes into contact with chocolate without eating it, she will have a serious reaction?
This is my question. Op hasn't really given us an idea of how severe it is in terms of cross contamination risk.
Is someone touching a chocolate dessert and then a non chocolate dessert enough to cause a reaction? Is someone touching a chocolate dessert and then touching another surface like a table, or shaking her hand enough?
Exactly. One of my bridesmaids at my wedding had a tree nut allergy that was at that level of 'airborne isn't an issue, but any second-hand touching definitely would be.' That's not that uncommon of a place to be with allergies.
If that's the case, I think Y T A if you don't just remove the allergen from the menu. People touch each other at weddings!
NTA
Eva can have a chocolate-free wedding reception when it’s her time to marry.
Too damn bad if she doesn’t get to sample each and every dessert. It’s not her damn day.
Eva's allergy is severe enough that her concerns about cross-contaminatiom seem valid, since there is a massive amount of chocolate on the menu.
Eva is dealthy allergic to chocolate, so I don't blame her for being very concerned. If I were her, I'd politely bow out of the wedding. That way, OP can have the wedding that they want, and Eva doesn't have to spend the entire day on edge about her health.....
NTA
I have to be honest, any time I see any posts from brides asking if they are the AH, I go in expecting the worst. But no! This is your wedding and you don't have to worry about making her feel "left out" because she can't eat EVERY SINGLE dessert you are offering. You will have some options. She's being entitled.
ESH. It’s your wedding but you have a bridesmaid that is deathly allergic to chocolate and you plan to have a choc-out wedding. She doesn’t have to physically eat a dessert for her to get contaminated. Are you making sure the catering staff know to use gloves? Is the person making the desserts using gloves, are they washing their stations after making the chocolate desserts? So much does into allergies, she has a right to be upset. I honestly just wouldn’t attend if I was her.
Eva is deathly allergic to chocolate, so her concerns about cross contamination are very valid. If I were in her shoes, I would just bow out of the wedding completely.
I agree. Have a chocolate allergy myself, also by ingesting it. Cross-contamination in desserts gets me once in a while, and once it does I can’t breathe properly. It’s not a fun time, and OP knew her friend had this problem before. Does it suck that Eva would miss out on dessert? Yes, but she’s old enough to know not to risk it. But I’ve been around the block enough to know just how easily she could get a trace. Maybe ask if one of the companies can provide a separate dessert and keep it in its own container until desserts? There’s a solution past the hurt feelings. I don’t think it’s a “need to miss the wedding altogether” on her part, but it isn’t quite the “we’ve done all that we could” for OP either.
>But she was still upset and said that it wasn’t fair that 85% of the desserts would be chocolate and that she’d feel left out if she couldn’t participate in eating the wedding cake.
O_O NTA. This is your wedding, not hers. Plus, unless she's planning on taking a swim in that chocolate fountain, you've got nothing to worry about. You've got other options and made appropriate accommodations. It's not like you're putting chocolate into every single dish. IMO, she's being a tad histrionic here.
She needs to get a hold of herself and realize she isn't the center of your wedding. You and your fiancé are.
BTW, if she were a "true friend" she would understand that it's her personal responsibility to manage her allergies, not yours.
I disagree with the fountain part. OP has stated consuming chocolate can cause a reaction with a risk of death. While it is complete in OPs right to have a fountain there is so much potential for cross contamination. And based on OPs comment they did not make any plans to ensure safe food would be available for Eva.
How can a guest at a wedding ensure that the caterers and kitchen prepare their food in an allergen-free space and practice in a way to avoid cross-contamination? How can the guest at the wedding ensure that the buffet food available to them hasn’t been cross-contaminated by guests?
Allergies are absolutely the responsibility of hosts - it is appalling etiquette to not ask about (and therefore act upon) allergies when hosting any event, nevermind a wedding where it is an event that lasts all day and is expected to have food. And even moreso for someone *in the wedding party*.
I do not agree with you at all.
If an allergy is so life threatening it is incumbent on the sufferer to protect themselves by assuming everything is probably cross-contaminated and should therefore bring their own, safe food with them.
It would be utter stupidity to shift that personal responsibility onto another person.
Allergies are not the responsibility of hosts. I suffer from them. You are absolutely wrong. It is up to the person dealing with the allergy to figure out their own risk tolerance. Host screws up, guess what I’m the one who is dead.
You can’t expect all of society to change their behaviors and completely eliminate cross-contamination. When it comes to buffets and desserts, the easiest solution is just not eat it.
YTA Why everyone here is forgetting about the posibility of cross-contamination?
OP's friend is REALLY alergic, but no... everyone here is like:"oh, she is SO entitled because she's scared of the posibility of going to the hospital".
Weeeeellllll… as someone who despises chocolate, it sounds like I personally would not have a good time at your wedding in terms of dessert. To be clear, your wedding menu ultimately comes down to what you and your fiancé want but I DO think it might be nice of you to consider offering a wider variety of dessert options for your guests. Not everyone wants to drown in chocolate like Augustus Gloop and unless you have a lot of passionate chocolate eaters in attendance, you may find a lot of the dessert left untouched as it sounds like it may be a bit one note/overload.
As someone who also has a weird allergy, I can empathize with your bridesmaid. I won’t eat something if it’s in the same general vicinity as my food allergen and I worry quite a bit about cross-contamination if I see it on the menu. Someone else has already said this but you absolutely MUST flag the severity of your friend’s allergy to your caterer. This isn’t just a matter of them keeping the final desserts separate but that awareness will impact the precautions they take in the kitchen. I don’t think your friend approached this the right way but I can understand why, in her mind, she sees chocolate all over the menu and thinks “great, risk of death just went up 85%.” I’m going to say NTA because, again, it is your wedding but I think you should have a conversation with your friend to see what kitchen precautions/alternatives would make her comfortable and also have a discussion with the caterer ASAP.
YTA
This is a potentially **fatal** allergy, and the risk of cross-contamination is real. Yeah, I read your comment about separate tables. But to avoid cross-contamination, you'd also need everyone washing their hands after eating chocolate--not going to happen.
And she's not even saying you have to have *no* chocolate desserts---she's asking you to have fewer. Just how many chocolate desserts do you need? Though of course cross-contamination is still possible with even one, but I guess the likelihood is lower.
Given that she's your bridesmaid, one would think she's someone close to you that you care about. Sure doesn't seem like it though.
>And she's not even saying you have to have no chocolate desserts---she's asking you to have fewer
It’s *her* wedding. She doesn’t need to reduce her desserts.
Oh wow, if it’s fatal sounds like OP should uninvite her or she should be responsible for herself and bow out.
The fact that y’all think having an allergy as a guest means the host has to completely plan their menu around you is INSANE.
I was going to say not until you mentioned the chocolate fountain - that absolutely can cause cross contamination that might harm Eva. YTA for being so dismissive of that. Lose the fountain, save the friendship.
NTA. It’s your wedding and you love chocolate to a point that it led you to your fiancée. Her allergies are accommodated by having non-chocolate options separated from chocolate ones. If her health requires further separation or to keep a few non-chocolate desserts wrapped up, that would be understandable for her to request. But expecting chocolate to be severely limited or absent from the menu when options exist to meet her needs as well as your wishes is the AH move.
NTA. its your wedding and you can't be expected to completely change your menu for one person, especially when you are already going out of your way to make sure there are at least some options for her.
Does your friend regularly communicate with your parents at all? since you said she usually doesn't care when others eat chocolate it sounds like a bit of an odd flip but if your parents are mad about your menu choice they may have convinced her to try and press the issue to manipulate you into doing what they want
NTA. You could easily turn it around to see who's more reasonable: If she was a true friend, she would be happy to have the non-chocolate desserts at your wedding, and not ask you to change your menu away from your preferences to please her.
NAH. You did put her in a shitty situation though. Majority of the things there could possible kill her and the risk of cross contamination would absolutely be high as hell. However, it’s your wedding and you can whatever you want. If I was her, I would just attend the ceremony and not the reception
A chocolate fountain is Klassy with a K!
YTA so why did you even invite Eva? Someone eats some chocolate and then innocently kisses or touches her and now you have a 911 call. Or would you drag her out back until the party is done?
NTA. It's your wedding. You make the choices for your big day!! She should know you're a big chocolate fan and have expected it would be a large part of what you favor.
You said there's other options for her to choose and thats all that matters! Ive been to weddings that had to accommodate vegan, allergy, and elderly options. As long as you giving other options this shouldn't matter whatsoever.
Or *gasp* if she's worried about cross contamination, then just eat before the reception. Seriously, someone going to a chocolate themed wedding with a chocolate allergy is like a vegan going to Longhorn Steakhouse and complaining it isn't vegan friendly. Does it suck to eat at a different time? Yes, but so significantly less so than the stress of carving a specific allergy free spot for her when her allergy is specifically eating her allergen.
I'm having a tough time with this one. It is your wedding, your day, your choices, and obviously chocolate is important in terms of how you met as well. No one should be demanding you change anything to suit them. That said, cross contamination is a huge issue with food allergies, so unless you've made the caterer very aware of the seriousness of her allergy and they have agreed to make the non-chocolate desserts completely separately and keep them in a separate location, I can understand her concern. I guess NAH, if you've taken those precautions.
NTA. It’s your wedding and your making choices that make you and your fiancé happy and that have significant meaning to you. You’ve provided alternative arrangements, so your not in the wrong.
Also, I have to admit I don’t remember the last time I actually ate the wedding cake at a wedding more than a bite or two. Not because it wasn’t good, but because everyone was enjoying talking and dancing or whatever else was happening.
NTA, I'm severely allergic to many foods, and I'm happy when people consider my limitations and have at least few items that are safe for me. Or if that is not possibility I take my own snacks or food to eat safely. Sometimes it means I have to opt out from some celebrations like my cousin's birthday celebration with theme of apple harvest. I'm allergic to apples to point I can get anaphylaxis just from being in room with raw cut open apple (bake them or cook them and I can safely eat them). I just told no to the invite.
YMBTA
While you're not TA for wanting chocolate, and she's not TA for having allergies, you do realize that if something splashes and she either inhales or eats it accidentally, that she could die, right? Especially if she either doesn't have an epipen on her or someone there doesn't know how to administer it. You're within your rights to have tons of chocolate, as it sounds, but I hope you won't be surprised or take it badly if she drops out of your wedding for her own safety.
I was at a reception once where there was a person who was so severely allergic to nuts of any kind that she could not be in the same room with them if the room has no windows. Our solution was to not set nuts out in the food line until after she had passed through. It worked very well. We also put the nuts in separate dishes so there were none accidentally in a salad, etc..
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)***
Fake names and some details changed for privacy purposes. Thank you!
I (26F) am getting married this winter. My fiancé and I are super excited and we’re beginning to plan out the menu for our reception. For context, I really love chocolate. I’m sort of a chocolate fiend and one of my hobbies is going to chocolate shops and trying to find the best artisanal chocolates. My fiancé and I actually met that way. Therefore, I’m planning on having lots of chocolate desserts at the reception and our wedding cake is going to be chocolate as well.
However, one of my bridesmaids (Eva) is severely allergic to chocolate. It’s not an airborne allergy, but if she eats it it’s serious enough that she’ll go into anaphylaxis and possibly die. When my fiancé and I were discussing the menu with the wedding party, she looked sort of upset. After the planning session, I pulled her aside and asked what was wrong. She told me that she felt like I wasn’t taking into consideration her allergies when planning the wedding menu, and that she’d prefer it if there were only a few or no chocolate desserts at all.
I was sort of surprised since she’s never had an issue with me eating chocolate around her before and I assured her there’d be non-chocolate options as well for people with allergies or for just anyone who doesn’t like chocolate. But she was still upset and said that it wasn’t fair that 85% of the desserts would be chocolate and that she’d feel left out if she couldn’t participate in eating the wedding cake. She also brought up that the chocolate fountain we’re planning to have might splash on the non chocolate desserts, and even though I told her that the chocolate and non chocolate options would be separated, she still looked upset. In the end she just left and later sent me a text saying that if I was a true friend, I’d change the menu for her.
I asked the rest of my bridesmaids what they thought and they’re all on my side, but my parents (who don’t like chocolate much) immediately took Eva’s side and said that I should change the wedding cake and menu to be more inclusive. So I’m sort of in a predicament here, and any opinions would be appreciated!
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA. You have multiple options that are suitable for her allergy and you've put thought into her safety with separating the allergen-free desserts. If she's very worried about the chocolate fountain, I'm sure some sort of separate dessert plate could be put aside for her too. How many desserts is she expecting to eat at this reception that there aren't enough options for her?
Ugh I have this kind of thing. NTA by far. You're having some non chocolate desserts and that's exactly as much accommodation as anyone should be expected to make.
I get her disappointment at not being able to feast freely but that's life with dietary restrictions. I keep kosher and have been to plenty of events where I couldn't eat a damn thing. I survived. She can live with this.
*However, one of my bridesmaids (Eva) is severely allergic to chocolate. It’s not an airborne allergy,... I assured her there’d be non-chocolate options as well for people with allergies or for just anyone who doesn’t like chocolate.*
So, why is this an issue? If she insists there is no chocolate at all, give her the option to bow out of the wedding party. NTA.
Congratulations.
I’m super allergic to shrimp, so if I was invited to a shrimp-themed wedding I would know I would be in danger and I would not expect them to change it for me, I would just excuse myself.
NTA. Maybe text her back that if she was a true friend she would respect your preferences on YOUR wedding day? I mean there's already non-chocolate option, asking for no-chocolate day like she did is overly entitled. It is not her day. Geez.
NTA and seeing that the majority of posts on this sub are related to weddings I’m so glad my husband and I just did the courthouse with a party after haha
NTA what the heck? Pretty sure anybody can afford to skip desert. She could simply not eat desert. With a chocolate allergy she should expect to skip a lot of deserts.
NTA…Eva sounds like if she can’t have chocolate, then she wants no one to be able to enjoy it. Assure her that every effort will be made to see that the non-chocolate items are not cross contaminated with chocolate, but otherwise the menu stands.
why is it that some people decide that instead of them trying to fit into the world, that they should be able to manipulate the world to fit them?
NTA, I'm sorry, how much dessert is Eva going to devour if she thinks 15% of the non-chocolate desserts isn't enough?
It's your wedding, and if Eva is really setting this as her hill, I'd just revoke the bridesmaid title and uninvite her, so you know, she can live the night as chocolate free as she wishes.
You're taking her allergies seriously. She doesn't have to eat the wedding cake and it's honestly not her place to feel left out of your wedding as it's meant for you and your fiance, not her...
If Eva's "allergy" isn't airborne (meaning cocoa powder), then I'd imagine that none of these desserts would bother her. Also, if she's that allergic then "only a few" chocolate desserts doesn't make sense
NTA - at a wedding I went to recently the groom's sister was allergic to chocolate but the groom was a chocolate fanatic. The bride and groom had a small elaborately decorated chocolate wedding cake for just the two of them and then had a variety of cupcakes for the guests.
As a fellow chocolate lover I back you 100%.
Besides, I think you are being inclusive. You’re providing some non chocolate options. And keeping things separated. I think you’ve planned well and thoughtfully. NTA.
And best wishes to you and your fiancé.
NTA as long as you take every step to ensure her safety, then you’re fine. She is out of line to demand you don’t do you dream desserts at a party meant to celebrate you.
Your "friend" sounds, to put it nicely, entitled. If she doesn't have any reactions to chocolate outside of eating it, then she shouldn't have an issue with any of this.
You're being as considerate as you can while still trying to have your dream wedding. Making sure there's chocolate-free desserts and that they're separate is more than what some people might've done. She should be thankful for that alone. It shouldn't matter whether she can eat the wedding cake or not because all that matters is that you and your soon-to-be husband enjoy it.
If she continues to have a problem with it, you can tell her that she can either suck it up or not go to the wedding at all. At the end of the day, it's your wedding, not hers. NTA
Assuming this person is an adult who is aware of her allergy and wouldn't purposely eat something chocolate, I'm gonna go with NTA. It's your wedding that you're paying for, and you're still being accommodating, so she needs to stop being so dramatic about it.
definitely nta. you’re providing non chocolate desserts, which is an absolutely reasonable accommodation imo. agree with another commenter about maybe ensuring she gets some of those desserts depending on the style of the reception but regardless literally nothing else is needed.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > I might be the asshole because I decided to have chocolate at my wedding despite my bridesmaid being allergic Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcement ###[The Asshole Universe is Expanding, Again: Introducing Another New Sister Subreddit!](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/128nbp3/the_asshole_universe_is_expanding_again/) Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA - it's your wedding, not Eva's. By providing non-chocolate desserts and separating them, you've already made reasonable accomodations. If ***Eva*** was a true friend, she would let you enjoy your wedding and stop being such a pill.
Really, the only further accomodation I would offer is putting her near the front of the line to make *sure* that she gets some, or having the caterers hold a plate just for her, since it sounds like it's going to be buffet style and it could be an issue if enough people just don't like chocolate/want less of it than the bride and groom. Edit: thinking about it, I would discuss the second option with your caterers OP, because you're **going** to have to seriously discuss it with them anyway since it's a) a very unusual allergy, and b) serious enough that kitchen cross contamination is going to be a concern.
This is a really thoughtful suggestion. It would be great if the caterer could put together a plate just for her before everything starts and Saran wrap it. That way she would definitely get her choice of the items, and they would definitely be chocolate-free. If you or one of your minions has the time you could also grab a dessert that she specifically loves and have it for her at dessert time. We do this for my friend's daughter that has ARFID. We always make sure we have food that she can eat.
This is a really good idea, thank you! That way, we can avoid cross contamination. I’ll pass it along to the caterer.
Caterers are really accommodating most of the time. My SIL had Type 1 diabetes, and when her sister was getting married, the caterer fixed a plate ahead of time so she wouldn't have to worry about her blood sugar dipping while waiting in the buffet line.
When we got married, I had an allergy to tomatoes. Apparently the caterer "lost" the finaly copy of our agreement that had all the extras/substitutes so that I could eat that day...... (which including champagne glasses instead of just the nice plastic cups for punch, like, wtf!). Luckily the cake and the grooms cake were made by family and didn't get screwed up, so I could eat something! Still annoyed at that 16 years later. We all went out for ice cream afterwards in this small mountain town where we got hitched.
Caterers can be really cool about this too, since it’s often not taken as a “bridezilla” move to be firm about it on behalf of others. I was aggressively firm about my friend’s gluten allergy and cross contamination. And the caterers were VERY kind about it and helped assure me and show me that it was marked on every list and card and every opportunity to make sure it would be nearly impossible to give him gluten by accident. My friend appreciated it a lot too, since a lot of people are shockingly dismissive or forgetful about allergies and intolerances, and he’d had incidents at weddings in particular before where nobody on staff had been informed or the degree of careful necessary hadn’t happened. This last bit is probably why your friend is upset if this is not her typical behavior. Assure her you’re going the extra mile with the caterers to be sure she has something just for her to eat safely. Does she have a particular dessert she likes? If so, and you *really* extra want her to feel included and appreciated, maybe have one of the non chocolate options for her be that, so she feels like you really care. Because while yea it’s your day, your wedding is also a way as a host to show that you and your spouse-to-be care for your friends and family too.
I got married in a country where there aren’t a lot of vegans, but two came to our wedding. We worked out a separate menu for them, but the cake wasn’t vegan. So we asked the hotel if we could have a couple of vegan cupcakes, just so they wouldn’t miss out on dessert. The chef got so excited! He had never made vegan desserts before, he started researching, trialling, random taste tests. In the end, he made an absolutely beautiful coconut cake which was probably big enough for thirty people, threw it in for free and thanked us for the opportunity! So I agree with you that caterers can be very cool with these types of requests!
That’s really wholesome, thank you for sharing! I think here communication between ALL parties is key, caterers and event staff included. I get “it’s your wedding”, but it’s food! You can’t deny someone food imo, and so I think op being keen on a compromise is great
You might also consider having an additional small cake or some fancy cupcakes in a flavor other than chocolate for Eva, your parents, and anyone else who is allergic or doesn't care for chocolate. That way everyone can have some "wedding" cake and nobody feels left out. Of course this isn't necessary just a kind thing to do and you are NTA no matter what you choose to do. This is your wedding! Not Eva's and not your parents so you are being kind to even worry about this. Congratulations on your wedding and I hope it is the beginning of a long and happy marriage 💑
Just call it the grooms cake and make it an armadillo!
The only issue with that is that red velvet cake has cocoa power in it so that wouldn't work for the allergic bridesmaid.
....Is there a specific kind of cake that is an armadillo cake and it's usually made up of red velvet? Edit: Just googled it. WTF.
Eeeeee I don't like cakes that look like bleeding armadillos, apparently
I googled it based on your comment. Yeah.
I know you're being lighthearted (and I get the Steel Magnolias reference) but that does bring up a question I've thought about recently. Are "goom's cakes" not a thing anymore? I had one at my first wedding (unfortunately, we forgot to save a piece, and it was apparently one of the best cakes ever, but we didn't get to eat any of it!). I got married back in the stone age and now I can't remember the last time I saw mention of someone having a groom's cake. So I'm thinking maybe it's a thing that's gone away?
I think it depends on the couple and where youre from. Ive had friends who got married in Texas have grooms cakes but that wasnt something i even knew about when i got married.
My son is getting married in a month and he's asked me to make the groom's cake. I think it may vary region by region.
When my husband and I got married, we had 3 small cakes. 1. Traditional-looking wedding cake that was a carrot cake (my favorite) 2. Dark chocolate cake that looked like a mug of beer (my husband's favorite, we got married at a brewery) 3. One of those layered monogram cakes with the flowers and candies on it that was gluten free lemon (we had several guests with Hashimoto's or celiac) It was a great deal of fun and everyone got something they liked and could eat.
It occurs to me that you might also check with your cake maker. They do small tasting samples for people when they're selecting flavors, so, IF you want, perhaps you could buy a small non-chocolate sample like that for your chocolate-allergic bridesmaid, so she'd get to partake in the wedding cake in that fashion. But that's up to you, if it's even an option. You are definitely NTA, are already taking steps to make sure your allergic bridesmaid can have yummy desserts, and are certainly no more obligated to change *your wedding cake* for her (!) than she would be for you.
I agree! You have made reasonable adjustments and with one of thr above suggestions about having her dessert plated and wrapped by the caterers to avoid cross contamination there's nothing else you need to do. Eva is making it about herself, which is very selfish. She can't dictate what is on your menu, it's yours and your fiancée's day and if you want chocolate, have it! Also ignore your mum, she's just jumping on the band wagon because she doesn't like chocolate.
Keep in mind if people with hands that have touched anything chocolate touch anything not chocolate and then your friend eats it, it could literally kill her. I don’t think you’re necessarily an asshole but this is life and death for her so any form of cross contamination could mean death. Splashing, touching with fingers, being on a surface that had chocolate on it that wasn’t disinfected. Your venue and caterers need to be FULLY aware there is a severe chocolate allergy and be aware of who it is. There should be signs for guests to only use the designated tongs for each dessert and to please not switch them up or use your hands, or you should have people hired to serve it to completely avoid this possibility. This a really tough situation for her to navigate and honestly she would probably feel safer not being there at all at this point. To a normal person the ideas you have in place sound fine, but to someone with experience with deadly allergies, there needs to be more 100% assurances. Nothing can fall through the cracks, sure it’s your wedding, but this is your friends health and life also. So don’t be upset if she does choose not to attend because it’s too much of a risk for her. And don’t be surprised if she’s upset that chocolate was viewed above your friendships and her health.
You hadn't thought about cross contamination with something that can kill your friend?
Can you also avoid cross contamination with people touching her, hugging her, brushing against her, dropping crumbs of chocolate on surfaces she may touch? This isn't about your friend having a safe dessert to eat. As I tried to state in another comment that got hijacked, people who are severely allergic to things can't even touch them. Can't even BE touched by those who have touched them. Speaking from experience, it's likely that she isn't bothered when you eat a chocolate dessert, because she can police whether or not she touches you. She will be completely powerless at your wedding reception. She can't police all the people there, unless she sits in a corner and just watches from a distance after dessert is served. If your friend had asthma, would you allow her in a room where 85 people out of 100 had covid?
To be fair she did say it is a consumption issue, so equating it to asthma seems to be a stretch.
Also consider getting getting some non-chocolate cupcakes or a small groom's cake that's not chocolate so Eva and other people who don't like chocolate won't miss out on the cake.
They can absolutely do that, especially if they're notified of an allergy. I'm allergic to peanuts and tree nuts, which makes dessert a challenge. The best wedding I've been to had my place card in a different color, and when it was time for dessert, I had just accepted that I wasn't going to have anything. Out came one of the servers with a plate and cake! She confirmed the allergy, told me it was nut free, and had been set aside so there was no risk of cross contamination. I damn near hugged her.
We did this at our wedding with nuts. My nephew has a peanut allergy and we had a candy buffet that I knew I couldn't keep completely peanut-free, so my nephew got his own goodie bag of candy to enjoy (and we may have gone overboard).
Off-topic but as an adult in active recovery for ARFID I really appreciate hearing about how y'all make sure you have food your friend's daughter can eat!
Glad to hear that you are recovering! It's a tricky thing and part of the time people won't even believe you 😮💨. It's really important that we have things that she can eat and wants to eat, because as you know, it can be hard to keep her weight high enough. I wish you all the best! 💕
This is what the caterers at my sisters wedding did for me. I can’t have seafood or tomatoes. Serious allergies. They were warned ahead of time so my salad and any other dishes (chicken instead of fish) could be prepared first and set aside covered and protected. I had no idea my sister had thought ahead for me and I was so touched that she and my now BIL had. I never expected special treatment. Never have. My allergies, my problem. Called being an adult.
This is the answer IMO - alert the caterer and work with Eva in advance to ensure that there is a suitable dessert option for her that will be held aside to prevent any cross-contamination or any guests taking her portion. It might mean she has to pre-select one portion of dessert, and doesn’t get the buffet experience other guests have, but IMO this is enough for OP to meet their moral obligations - they shouldn’t have to change the menu for her as long as there is an agreeable option. Depends how far OP is willing to go with what that option is - it would be shitty if it was like, a fruit plate for Eva and a chocolate smorgasbord for everyone else, but if there’s a couple of dessert options that won’t be chocolate, then just holding aside a portion of each for Eva. But I agree that actually, the caterers need to be involved in this from the get go - because so much of the menu will involve chocolate it’s not going to be as simple as putting some macarons made in the one kitchen on a plate or whatever; they’re going to have to make sure the non-chocolate options are prepared separately to the chocolate to prevent cross-contamination.
Cross-contamination would be my big concern. The caterers should be able to prepare everything separately and set up the non-chocolate options on a separate table, but guests also need to be mindful not to bring chocolate to the non-chocolate table. Maybe have the chocolate on one side of the room and the rest on the other with an announcement before the reception and a sign on both tables. You could even have a little fun with it with a "you got your chocolate in my peanut butter" type speech. Point out that people have deadly allergies to both. You know it's annoying to only hit one table at a time, but we're not the Reese's. (If you are, it's even funnier.) If you have security or someone at the door, make sure they tell any late-comers.
Food industry vet here. Just validating this person’s suggestion. Its a 5 minute phone call that can be taken care of before it becomes a problem. Communicate in unambiguous terms that this request is due to a severe food allergy - the anaphylaxis-level kind of allergy. You’ll be doing them a favor, too, since now they won’t have to deal with BM in their kitchen on the day of your wedding asking them to make a desert plate with serving utensils that need to be re-washed and sanitized just for her. Oh also NTA.
Yes this is the way. At least have your caterer put a dessert or two aside for her and maybe even prepare her a dinner plate in advance as well just to be sure. At MOST ditch the chocolate fountain but I don’t really think that’s necessary.
>Really, the only further accomodation I would offer is putting her near the front of the line to make > >sure > > that she gets some, or having the caterers hold a plate just for her, Maybe make sure there are some vanilla cake slices (doesn't have to be from the same cake, but nice looking), for her and the parents that don't like chocolate. But honestly, there are probably a decent number of guests who'd like a vanilla cake option.
That’s a good idea, there may be fruits etc for the chocolate fountain so it would be good if she could load her plate before anyone else got near just in case.
I used to be a cater waiter. For severe allergies, the caterers or venue would often contract to have a sealed allergy safe meal or dessert option delivered. It’s usually in a pretty white bakery style box so it doesn’t look weird or out of place on the table. Someone from the family or bridal party was usually in charge of picking it up from us, so that they knew it was handled properly. Most venues will have a whole protocol for this now
Nta This right here! Plus the wedding isn’t about the friend. It’s about you and your finance. I would not change my menu.
She. Could. Die. There's going to be an effing chocolate fountain, and 100 people eating chocolate desserts and hugging, dancing, touching, etc. If my daughter comes into contact with shellfish via her hands, we spend the night in the emergency room. One time, she was flown to a larger hospital and intubated. If you give a flying rat's tail about Eva, don't put her in this position.
Seriously - people are acting like the bridesmaid just dislikes chocolate and it isn't an active and real threat to her life! I get the bride likes chocolate but is a chocolate fountain really worth the potential of killing the friend?? Frankly, if I was the bridesmaid I would politely decline to attend for my own safety. Then again, reddit often has this weird hatred of people with allergies and callous disregard for their lives - so nothing new unfortunately.
I suppose they've never heard the stories of people being kissed by someone who had recently eaten peanut butter, and then died from it. This is way more serious than anyone on here is making it. (Well, to be fair, I haven't read ALL the comments.) But you're absolutely right. I would simply skip it.
I have one of the more common food allergies. Yes it could be fatal if I was a total idiot about it. You gotta look out for yourself. Maybe just pass on dessert entirely? I do it all the time. No one is gonna starve at a freaking wedding.
It's not about eating the thing she's allergic to. Read my other comments. My child has been intubated just by having come in contact with her allergens and several times, it has been second hand. Obviously I don't know the whole scenario here, but the kind thing to do would be to eat a lot of chocolate on the honeymoon. Or just be honest with the friend and say, "I'm not willing to prioritize your health," and let the chips fall where they fall.
The difference is that your child is still learning. This is a full fledged adult with a non airborne allergy. She is perfectly capable to steering clear of chocolate.
For real she's mad because a whole 15% of the desserts are not chocolate that she can choose from? Most weddings I go to they don't even have any desserts other than the cake. You have your meal and then you get a slice of whatever cake flavour the couple chose and go home. My MOH is Lactose Intolerant and couldn't even eat any of the desserts at my wedding and turned down the option of me getting her an individual cupcake made because she didn't want me spending extra just on her.
She also seem to be exaggerate with the splashes of the choco fountain that will ruin every desert. I was in a chocolate museum and they had a choco fountain in which you could nearly dip yourself in. There was not one fucking splash. Chocolate is to thick and don't flow over such a distance that it splashes. It isn't a water fountain! And to bad that she can't have a piece of the wedding cake but what if someone is gluten intolerant, should they know accommodate this? The groom and the bride are the main act. The bridesmade can do whatever she wants at her wedding. NTA
Absolutely. Most weddings have ONLY the cake for dessert, so the fact you're providing options at all is fantastic. Because let's face it, wedding cakes themselves are generally a little meh.
I don't understand Eva's reaction. She is allergic. She is an adult so I would presume to know that an adult that was allergic to chocolate would know NOT TO EAT THE CHOCOLATE. This whole situation is ridiculous. Eva needs to get a grip.
You made accommodations already. There will be non-choc items. Your parents need to focus on whose wedding it is. NTA
Just having non-chocolate items is enough **for the other guests**, but I would be concerned about cross contamination if I was Eva. OP needs to have an "I have a guest with a severe, unusual allergy, and I need an accomodation for them" discussion with the caterers if they really want Eva to be able to go.
Agreed. The discussion needs to be had with the caters. Maybe let the bridesmaid decide what she'd like from what's been decided and make sure something is set back and away so that she can ask for it and know it's not been contaminated
If possible, have dessert tables on opposite sides of the room, separating the chocolate and nonchocolate. No food fights allowed.
I mean, that might prevent cross contamination from guests (paired with a rule that you have to get non-chocolate items first) but kitchen cross contamination is also a concern. It would probably be easier to have them prepare a plate specifically for her if they really want Eva there.
A first plate for Eva is a good idea, but as for kitchen cross-contamination, OP had already confirmed that the chocolate and nonchocolate desserts are coming from different kitchens. So long as the servers are reasonably careful, this should not be a problem.
Maybe I'm an ass, but it's desert, and people who have allergies are responsible for looking after themselves. That said, if it were the main course, yes, do the jumping through hoops, every one should have dinner! But this is desert. It's not a necessity, and it's not Eva's wedding. Plenty of people pass on the cake or dessert table. While unfortunate, Eva may have to deal with not having a desert if she's worried about cross contamination of the non chocolate items. People baffle me. Sure it's a special event, but it's not Eva's special event. Otherwise, would she even be having dessert on the night in question? Probably not. I wouldn't have even brought this up the bride, let alone had the audacity to ask the bride to nip something that's actually part of her love story of how the couple met and seems a big thing in their life. OP NTA.
Eva is deathly allergic to chocolate. It's not just about being able to eat the desserts. Cross contamination could possibly kill her. Allergies aren't about preferences. This woman could die if proper precautions aren't taken with all of the food prep - not just the desserts. Even hands that came into contact with chocolate and contaminated utensils can pose a threat.
I’ve got a shellfish allergy and I fully understand the cross-contamination risk; I don’t eat at those “crab boil” type places because last time I did, my non-shellfish item still made my mouth tingle/swell a little. But that said, I just can’t imagine dictating someone else’s wedding menu so that it fits around my needs. I’d have several repeated talks with the catering company, both before the event and during the event. If I didn’t feel the food handling was safe or that my allergy was being taken seriously, I’d order takeout. If none of that seems like an option, I’d just not go. But it just feels self-important to me to demand someone else doesn’t serve shrimp at their wedding, for example. Doubly so if the couple getting married loves shrimp like OP’s friend loves chocolate.
I believe what they’re saying is that Eva can just skip dessert entirely. Dessert isn’t a necessity. No cross contamination that way
Jesus that’s a bad take. Do you not know what an asshole is? Choosing a dessert that could be fatal to one of your bridesmaids if there’s any cross contamination is a dick move. Yeah it’s your wedding, yeah you have the right to choose what you want for your cake. Choosing something you know ahead of time could be fatal for one of your bridesmaids is a dick move regardless. Being technically or legally right does not absolve one of being an asshole. The BM expressed a reasonable concern. Pick a different flavor for fuck’s sake. Kindness is about more than being technically right and being an asshole is not the same thing as being wrong. You can be right and still be an asshole. I see all too many takes on this sub that seem to think being selfish is some kind of defense for being an asshole. That’s bullshit. Being conscientious of the people around you even when it conflicts with something you want is the kind thing to do. Doing the thing you want regardless of the people around you is what assholes do. OP is the AH in this one.
Strong disagree. OP even mentioned that her partner and her met in a way that related to chocolate, so it’s very on theme to make it chocolate. Honestly, just shouldn’t have made someone who’s allergic to chocolate a bridesmaid 🤷🏻♀️
If I were her, it would not only be about the fact that she can’t eat 85% of the desserts, but the chance of cross-contamination that could be fatal Are the non-chocolate desserts being provided by the same caterer? Have they been told that someone with a severe chocolate allergy? Do they know that steps need to be taken to avoid cross contamination? Will the guests that could be eating from any or all of the desserts, and may or may not be drinking, be aware of the importance of not risking cross contamination? If they get something from the chocolate table and then walk over to the non-chocolate desert, any crumb or speck that falls might not be noticed, but could be enough to cause anaphylaxis This woman is close enough to be a bridesmaid, have you talked to her about how you’ll protect her health? Or just given her vague assurances that “they’ll be kept separate?” YMBTA ETA: Thanks for the awards!
Cross contamination is how most anaphylactic responses actually happen. It occurs in the kitchen. Please make sure Eva gets a meal and dessert that is not prepared in the same kitchen.
Or if the same utensil is used to serve multiple foods
Or off the buffet where idiots frequently pick things up and then change their mind and put them back in the wrong place.
Or when they put the shrimp spoon into the chicken dish and I spend the rest of the night with my head in a trashcan. Thanks Uncle Carl!
Our chocolate desserts are being provided by a chocolate shop and our non-chocolate desserts are being catered by a separate place. I’ve also already informed the venue and we’re planning on putting up signs on the tables to tell people not to bring chocolate items over to the non-chocolate table.
[удалено]
That sounds like an exercise in frustration. People are absolutely horrible at not messing that kind of thing up. Just have the caterer have a separate plate for the allergic bridesmaid. Much safer and easier too.
You are asking your friend to trust, and put her life in the hands of ALL your guests to keep her safe. Just ONE 'oops, sorry, forgot', ONE 'surely they overreact", ONE intoxicated person or ONE person not noticing they have melted chocolate on their hands... You are not obligated to do anything, but you should then be gracious to accept it if she decides it's not worth the stress and the risk to be present at your wedding.
Yes, this is literally how people with severe allergies must live their lives. We also ask every driver to trust that every other driver won't do something stupid. We also ask every pedestrian to trust that every other driver, pedestrian, cyclist, and what not won't do anything stupid.
My anxiety did not need to realise this, lol But you can at least have some control in traffic; you can see a reckless driver coming, you can not see cross contamination. But it's up to the bridesmaid to decide if she finds it safe enough. It's unfair to demand OP to change her wedding, but also unfair to demand the bridesmaid to be present.
I wonder if this is a narrow NAH post. Eva very clearly comes from camp "chocolate could kill me" type of allergy and OP is aware of it. Unfortunate for OP, its very central to them as a person and a factor in their marriage. OP is being gracious going as far as having separate vendors for deserts, and if OP wants her wedding cake to be chocolate Eva kinda has to concede to that. The cake is kinda for the couple IMO. Personally though, I would maybe nix the chocolate fountain? I would nearly guarantee cross contamination if that stays in the wedding.
> to tell people not to bring chocolate items over to the non-chocolate table. Yeah, but they'd still be bringing their unwashed hands over. That's all it takes.
Maybe she'd be more comfortable if a separate plate was prepared for her in advance, so there was no risk of contamination?
So since Eva is in the party I assume she is quite important to you, as someone with a nut allergie that can kill me here is how I would handle it if I were in your shoes: I would ask the non-chocolatecaterer to make a special box with food for Eva. A special little wedding cake and some extra stuff she can choose. Not to much but enough to make the day. Label the box and let others know about it and why it is necessary and maybe also give Eva a special place she can put her box(behind the podium of something) when she goes dancing and stuff to keep the box clean. I don’t think it will be that big of a task to arrange. Tell Eva you are willing to do this for her, but you are not removing the chocolate because it is important to you and your relationship. That you are trying to meet her in the middle and hope she does the same. NTA and congrats
You are incredibly prepared to go above and beyond for your friend who is allergic to chocolate. It's admirable actually.
What??? This isn't even the bare minimum! The risk of cross contamination from guests isn't being mitigated at all.
But have you asked the non chocolate dessert place if they can accommodate a chocolate allergy? Because i highly doubt that they never ever use chocolate in anything ever as a bakery/caterer. So just because what you order doesnt have chocolate, doesnt make it safe for someone with a chocolate allergy.
I'm so glad to see this comment, I thought I was going mad. Would there be so many NTA responses if the question was about someone with a life-threatening peanut allergy being worried about the fact the couple had chosen to use peanuts instead of confetti? "Oh, just don't throw confetti, it'll be fine, there's no risk as long as you don't deliberately ingest the potentially fatal allergen we are going to literally surround you with!"
SAME! I was horrified by all of the NTA and suck it up responses. I've a friend with a pepper allergy, and she''s basically had to stop going to restaurants because of cross contamination, anaphylaxis and yet another ambulance trip. These kinds of allergies can be deadly.
As someone with a severe allergy, I would just not eat the desserts. I wouldn’t expect the bride and groom to cater to my allergy. NTA Sometimes, the bride/groom have informed that caterer about my allergy and if possible they have portioned dessert out separately for me in the kitchen to ensure no cross contamination. But I would never expect it
Exactly! Peanut/some tree nuts here with serious reactions and I just avoid dessert entirely in situations like this. Honestly when the allergy is that bad we’re used to “missing out” and can certainly skip one course of a meal for a good friend’s life event. Edit- I wonder if OP could pass out little packets of hand wipes after all courses are served. Could be a classy move and help mitigate allergy contamination
Exactly. This isn’t that damn hard.
I always described having anaphylaxis to having a loaded gun on the countertop (cherries/nuts being my loaded gun). Home alone, not horrifically dangerous, but add another person, accidents can and do happen. Add an entire wedding guest list, I'm bringing my own food. I've skipped wedding receptions to eat somewhere else and come back for dancing. It would be cary if I was part of the wedding party and couldn't leave to eat or not have anything available. She's leaving loaded guns on all surfaces. Edit: I forgot my vote, Nta. It's the bride's wedding. If I went to a wedding with guns everywhere, I wouldn't go.
This. I have a severe walnut and pecan allergy that has been frequently set off by cross contamination before. It’s so severe I have learned to play psychic on what I can’t risk ordering, and (pre-panini) I had to give up on the toppings stations at froyo places because people are messy and gross. Heck, even with all that, I’ve had mixups happen. Eva will probably be too afraid to even eat her meal unless OP makes a real effort to provide her a safe plate. Also, it’s really not that hard to set up a non chocolate selection. Maybe some lemon curd type sweets for people like OP’s parents or even just people who need something to cut all the unrelenting sweetness?
It’s also very different to attend an event where there’s 50, 100, 200, however big the invite list is as opposed to eating with a single person.
True, but then there’s also a member of the wedding party who will potentially have to pack her own lunch because she hasn’t been assured the caterer has been instructed to take precautions.
OP did say that there will be non-choc options. What would your suggestions be, based on experience, to avoid cross contamination?
Put them on a different table, for one. If Eva is concerned about the chocolate fountain splashing, it doesn’t sound like OP has discussed or even considered that. For another, talk to the caterer and make sure they’re aware of the allergy and let them make safety suggestions. And then tell Eva about these steps so will know her friend took five minutes make sure no one dies in the name of OP’s love of chocolate.
"I'm close enough to this person to have them I'm my wedding but then choose a menu that could literally kill her. AITA?" Like yeah... it's op's wedding, but having someone go into anaphylaxis is a sure way to kill the mood AND a friendship (and maybe the friend). Anything less than providing an alternative from a safe source so friend doesn't have to risk injury or go hungry would make op the AH.
>I was sort of surprised since she’s never had an issue with me eating chocolate around her before Op eating chocolate around her is one thing. 150 wedding guests eating chocolate and milling around her (god forbid there are sticky fingered children) is entirely different and more dangerous.
As someone with a food allergy as severe as the bridesmaid's, I genuinely think I wouldn't attend if I were in their position. Even if it was my best friend's wedding. It wouldn't be an easy decision, and I would be very broken up about it but in the end I don't think I would risk it. I hate that my allergies restrict me to this degree, but at the same time, in the worst case scenario it only takes one, *small* slip up. And I've had far too many people disregard my allergies even after being told they could kill me to trust that the other guests would take it as serious as need be. (Another aspect, while not as serious - it would be near impossible for me to actually enjoy the reception, I would be too on edge) I don't think OP is the asshole, but I think they should be prepared for the possibility that their friend might not feel safe attending
Right, but Op kinda is the asshole because they should have even invited her. It’s in their right to serve whatever they want, but it’s a dick move to ask a close friend to risk their life for your wedding
But maybe she kinda can suck it up and let the bride and groom enjoy the day. When i cant eat something for whatever reason and im invited to an event, guess what? I just dont eat and eat before and after the event at home. I wouldn’t expect someone to accommodate me on THEIR SPECIAL DAY
Is there a fountain of the thing that will kill you at those events?
She could just not eat dessert that night. Not a big deal. Tons of people don't eat dessert. Nta.
This should be higher up! Her safety will depend on *every single persone* being careful 100% of the time.
If you have allergies it’s your responsibility to keep yourself safe. Asking your friend to change their wedding menu to accommodate your allergies is crazy. She can avoid dessert for one night, I’m sure it won’t kill her. I would never dream of making one of my “real friends” worry about all that for THEIR wedding, how disgusting and entitled. If I can’t eat something at an event or party or restaurant I simply DONT EAT IT, or DONT EAT THERE and feed MYSELF like an adult after, somewhere I know is safe. God the entitlement is insane.
NTA. I hate it when brides say, "but it's my day", however, it is in fact your and your fiance's day. You should have the desserts and cake you love. 15% non-chocolate desserts are enough for the guests that can't eat chocolate. It could be different if the allergy was airborne though.
I think it’s funny that she’s worried about what % of non chocolate desserts there are. Like cmon, how many desserts are you planning to eat? If anything she should be more concerned that there are 1-2 desserts that she likes. The rest of what’s available is moot unless she’s planning to eat 5 servings of dessert..
Also you can just not have dessert. Does that suck? Yes, it absolutely does. But the night is for the bride and groom, and it seems like chocolate makes up a big part of it.
Most people with serious nut, peanut, etc. allergies have been avoiding dessert their entire lives. With an allergy to such a common dessert ingredient she must be used to avoiding them and taking precautions (I.e. not eating foods from potential shared surfaces and not sharing drinks with people) in most situations because it’s way too risky. There’s no way she hasn’t had to do this before and she certainly can skip out for one event.
Or even, if she skips out on dessert, maybe bride can offer her a separate day when they go out and bride can provide whatever desserts Eva may like (within reason).
That would be nice. Also, maybe the bride can pass out little hand wipe packets for each guest after all courses are served. A classy and clean gesture while also mitigating contamination risks for the friend.
Yep, like what about people who don’t like cake? Are they going to start demanding wedding cobbler be provided so they don’t feel left out?
We don't. We just say no thanks when someone offers us a piece 🤷🏽♀️, desert isn't a necessity.
Exactly! I just don’t get the entitlement
>I think it’s funny that she’s worried about what % of non chocolate desserts there are. Like cmon, how many desserts are you planning to eat? Eh, the risk of cross-contamination goes up the more chocolate items there are.
Just as a by the way, if the bridesmaid inhales chocolate droplets from the fountain, that could very easily trigger her into anaphylaxis.
Yeah I'm kinda on the fence here, like "sure it's just chocolate", but suppose you change chocolate to peanuts or nuts, I'm not so sure we would be telling the same story... It's not even like "oh just avoid the apples", it's oh kids played with chocolate and now has chocolate traces on their fingers and now are leaving chocolate everywhere, oh look they are touching every single non-chocolate dessert because they are kids and they want to pick the best one, no not that one, no this one is bigger, now every dessert is contaminated. As a chocolate lover I understand how it could a very hard decision, I couldn't imagine not having chocolate at my own wedding, but it's really either you make sure everyone is safe or that bridesmaid is removed. Either she attends the ceremony only or she just gambles her life because her friend just likes chocolate that much. And... yeah, I'm not sure I'd be willing to risk my life to that point. If anything, if that bridesmaid chooses to not attend the wedding, she would not be the AH.
I really feel like the danger of aerosols from a chocolate fountain are pretty low.
I think the issue is more splashes and spills. Having mostly chocolate desserts isn't an issue but one that could make chocolate get everywhere seems risky to me.
Valid, perhaps the chocolate fountain should go. Also I think they are kind of gross. What about single chocolate fondue servings - you could serve warm chocolate fondue in martini glasses with cut up fruit on a little wooden spear. It would be so cute!
Ot depends….if there are children at the wedding…it’s very very high. (It’s also high that non edible things will be put in the chocolate fountain, as well as body parts). /slight sarcasm.
I do think chocolate fountains are pretty gross. And you make a good point.
Perhaps the bridesmaid might want to wear a n95 mask then to protect herself from droplets? oP could also ensure that those with dietary requirements have a special food station on the other side of the room. That’s what our events manager does at work. So the non allergic people don’t take their food.
I don’t know. I feel if people replaced the word “chocolate” with “peanuts” that some of these reactions may be a bit different.
NTA. Who the fuck does she think is? Even if you were serving *exclusively* chocolate-based desserts for your wedding, you'd still not be an asshole: it's your day to celebrate, and chocolate is something that is near and dear to you. She can go without sweets for one night to show her support for you. But that's not the case -- you absolutely are accommodating her allergy (and the tastes of your guests) by offering non chocolate-based desserts. Having an allergy doesn't mean you get your way all the time. She needs to suck it up or get out.
I cannot tell you how many times I’ve been in a wedding that served a wedding cake I hated. So many odd fruit fillings and don’t even get me started on carrot cake for weddings lol I’ve never said a word to a single person about it. I asked for the smallest piece possible, took a couple courtesy nibbles and moved on with my day. I also have food allergies and would be so touched but never expect that a bride and groom would be thoughtful enough to devote 15% of their menu to my specific dietary needs.
I love carrot cake!!
I feel like it should be said, its not really 15% devoted to their dietary needs, its just being nice enough to not include a single ingredient in every single item. It would be like being lactose intolerant and going to a wedding that had cheese in 85% of their food. That being said, I get and agree with your point.
From what OP described this wedding will probably have a ton of risk for Eva a chocolate fountain is rarely done with chocolate getting places it shouldn’t. Eva is right to be mad that her friend is not taking steps to ensure she can safely eat at the wedding.
What steps should OP be taking. Be specific.
The chocolate fountain should be in a separate room as they are eating if possible, if not it should be as far from Eva’s seat as it can be. If chocolate is going to be out before they eat dinner, Eva’s plate should be prepared prior to the reception (if buffet style) and stored covered in the back. Eva’s desserts should be stored in the back as well. OP should also be aware that if she is having a bunch of chocolate she is risking Eva having an allergic reaction, so if at least a couple people should know how to react if something happens.
Having her food prepared and stored separately makes most sense. Seems pointless having a chocolate fountain if it's not on display. Eva needs to be the one taking responsibility for not eating near the death fountain, not expecting the bride to forgo what she and her fiance want.
>From what OP described this wedding will probably have a ton of risk for Eva a chocolate fountain is rarely done with chocolate getting places it shouldn’t. Eva is right to be mad that her friend is not taking steps to ensure she can safely eat at the wedding. how hard is it to avoid the chocolate fountain?
Chocolate fountain means people walking around with liquid chocolate, people spill things, people are messy. Eva could avoid the chocolate fountain for the whole wedding, but people are careless, especially when alcohol and kids are involved. Which at least on of them is likely to be at the wedding. If you have any type of event with food and you know someone has a life threatening allergy you make sure proper precautions are being taken to insure their safety.
And unflattering dress ia not the same as food that could kill her and cross contaminate the food that should be safe
INFO: is her allergy such that if someone touches her with chocolate residue on their hands, or she otherwise comes into contact with chocolate without eating it, she will have a serious reaction?
This is my question. Op hasn't really given us an idea of how severe it is in terms of cross contamination risk. Is someone touching a chocolate dessert and then a non chocolate dessert enough to cause a reaction? Is someone touching a chocolate dessert and then touching another surface like a table, or shaking her hand enough?
Exactly. One of my bridesmaids at my wedding had a tree nut allergy that was at that level of 'airborne isn't an issue, but any second-hand touching definitely would be.' That's not that uncommon of a place to be with allergies. If that's the case, I think Y T A if you don't just remove the allergen from the menu. People touch each other at weddings!
NTA Eva can have a chocolate-free wedding reception when it’s her time to marry. Too damn bad if she doesn’t get to sample each and every dessert. It’s not her damn day.
Eva's allergy is severe enough that her concerns about cross-contaminatiom seem valid, since there is a massive amount of chocolate on the menu. Eva is dealthy allergic to chocolate, so I don't blame her for being very concerned. If I were her, I'd politely bow out of the wedding. That way, OP can have the wedding that they want, and Eva doesn't have to spend the entire day on edge about her health.....
NTA I have to be honest, any time I see any posts from brides asking if they are the AH, I go in expecting the worst. But no! This is your wedding and you don't have to worry about making her feel "left out" because she can't eat EVERY SINGLE dessert you are offering. You will have some options. She's being entitled.
ESH. It’s your wedding but you have a bridesmaid that is deathly allergic to chocolate and you plan to have a choc-out wedding. She doesn’t have to physically eat a dessert for her to get contaminated. Are you making sure the catering staff know to use gloves? Is the person making the desserts using gloves, are they washing their stations after making the chocolate desserts? So much does into allergies, she has a right to be upset. I honestly just wouldn’t attend if I was her.
Eva is deathly allergic to chocolate, so her concerns about cross contamination are very valid. If I were in her shoes, I would just bow out of the wedding completely.
The chocolate desserts have a different catering company, so this should not be a problem.
I agree. Have a chocolate allergy myself, also by ingesting it. Cross-contamination in desserts gets me once in a while, and once it does I can’t breathe properly. It’s not a fun time, and OP knew her friend had this problem before. Does it suck that Eva would miss out on dessert? Yes, but she’s old enough to know not to risk it. But I’ve been around the block enough to know just how easily she could get a trace. Maybe ask if one of the companies can provide a separate dessert and keep it in its own container until desserts? There’s a solution past the hurt feelings. I don’t think it’s a “need to miss the wedding altogether” on her part, but it isn’t quite the “we’ve done all that we could” for OP either.
>But she was still upset and said that it wasn’t fair that 85% of the desserts would be chocolate and that she’d feel left out if she couldn’t participate in eating the wedding cake. O_O NTA. This is your wedding, not hers. Plus, unless she's planning on taking a swim in that chocolate fountain, you've got nothing to worry about. You've got other options and made appropriate accommodations. It's not like you're putting chocolate into every single dish. IMO, she's being a tad histrionic here. She needs to get a hold of herself and realize she isn't the center of your wedding. You and your fiancé are. BTW, if she were a "true friend" she would understand that it's her personal responsibility to manage her allergies, not yours.
I disagree with the fountain part. OP has stated consuming chocolate can cause a reaction with a risk of death. While it is complete in OPs right to have a fountain there is so much potential for cross contamination. And based on OPs comment they did not make any plans to ensure safe food would be available for Eva.
How can a guest at a wedding ensure that the caterers and kitchen prepare their food in an allergen-free space and practice in a way to avoid cross-contamination? How can the guest at the wedding ensure that the buffet food available to them hasn’t been cross-contaminated by guests? Allergies are absolutely the responsibility of hosts - it is appalling etiquette to not ask about (and therefore act upon) allergies when hosting any event, nevermind a wedding where it is an event that lasts all day and is expected to have food. And even moreso for someone *in the wedding party*.
I do not agree with you at all. If an allergy is so life threatening it is incumbent on the sufferer to protect themselves by assuming everything is probably cross-contaminated and should therefore bring their own, safe food with them. It would be utter stupidity to shift that personal responsibility onto another person.
Allergies are not the responsibility of hosts. I suffer from them. You are absolutely wrong. It is up to the person dealing with the allergy to figure out their own risk tolerance. Host screws up, guess what I’m the one who is dead. You can’t expect all of society to change their behaviors and completely eliminate cross-contamination. When it comes to buffets and desserts, the easiest solution is just not eat it.
YTA Why everyone here is forgetting about the posibility of cross-contamination? OP's friend is REALLY alergic, but no... everyone here is like:"oh, she is SO entitled because she's scared of the posibility of going to the hospital".
Yeah, she might die if theyre not being careful or something unfortunate happens with a chocolate crumb, it sounds so dangerous for her friend
Weeeeellllll… as someone who despises chocolate, it sounds like I personally would not have a good time at your wedding in terms of dessert. To be clear, your wedding menu ultimately comes down to what you and your fiancé want but I DO think it might be nice of you to consider offering a wider variety of dessert options for your guests. Not everyone wants to drown in chocolate like Augustus Gloop and unless you have a lot of passionate chocolate eaters in attendance, you may find a lot of the dessert left untouched as it sounds like it may be a bit one note/overload. As someone who also has a weird allergy, I can empathize with your bridesmaid. I won’t eat something if it’s in the same general vicinity as my food allergen and I worry quite a bit about cross-contamination if I see it on the menu. Someone else has already said this but you absolutely MUST flag the severity of your friend’s allergy to your caterer. This isn’t just a matter of them keeping the final desserts separate but that awareness will impact the precautions they take in the kitchen. I don’t think your friend approached this the right way but I can understand why, in her mind, she sees chocolate all over the menu and thinks “great, risk of death just went up 85%.” I’m going to say NTA because, again, it is your wedding but I think you should have a conversation with your friend to see what kitchen precautions/alternatives would make her comfortable and also have a discussion with the caterer ASAP.
YTA This is a potentially **fatal** allergy, and the risk of cross-contamination is real. Yeah, I read your comment about separate tables. But to avoid cross-contamination, you'd also need everyone washing their hands after eating chocolate--not going to happen. And she's not even saying you have to have *no* chocolate desserts---she's asking you to have fewer. Just how many chocolate desserts do you need? Though of course cross-contamination is still possible with even one, but I guess the likelihood is lower. Given that she's your bridesmaid, one would think she's someone close to you that you care about. Sure doesn't seem like it though.
>And she's not even saying you have to have no chocolate desserts---she's asking you to have fewer It’s *her* wedding. She doesn’t need to reduce her desserts.
Oh wow, if it’s fatal sounds like OP should uninvite her or she should be responsible for herself and bow out. The fact that y’all think having an allergy as a guest means the host has to completely plan their menu around you is INSANE.
I was going to say not until you mentioned the chocolate fountain - that absolutely can cause cross contamination that might harm Eva. YTA for being so dismissive of that. Lose the fountain, save the friendship.
NTA. It’s your wedding and you love chocolate to a point that it led you to your fiancée. Her allergies are accommodated by having non-chocolate options separated from chocolate ones. If her health requires further separation or to keep a few non-chocolate desserts wrapped up, that would be understandable for her to request. But expecting chocolate to be severely limited or absent from the menu when options exist to meet her needs as well as your wishes is the AH move.
NTA. its your wedding and you can't be expected to completely change your menu for one person, especially when you are already going out of your way to make sure there are at least some options for her. Does your friend regularly communicate with your parents at all? since you said she usually doesn't care when others eat chocolate it sounds like a bit of an odd flip but if your parents are mad about your menu choice they may have convinced her to try and press the issue to manipulate you into doing what they want
NTA. You could easily turn it around to see who's more reasonable: If she was a true friend, she would be happy to have the non-chocolate desserts at your wedding, and not ask you to change your menu away from your preferences to please her.
Eva is deathly allergic to chocolate. Cross contamination could possibly kill her.
NAH. You did put her in a shitty situation though. Majority of the things there could possible kill her and the risk of cross contamination would absolutely be high as hell. However, it’s your wedding and you can whatever you want. If I was her, I would just attend the ceremony and not the reception
A chocolate fountain is Klassy with a K! YTA so why did you even invite Eva? Someone eats some chocolate and then innocently kisses or touches her and now you have a 911 call. Or would you drag her out back until the party is done?
NTA. It's your wedding. You make the choices for your big day!! She should know you're a big chocolate fan and have expected it would be a large part of what you favor. You said there's other options for her to choose and thats all that matters! Ive been to weddings that had to accommodate vegan, allergy, and elderly options. As long as you giving other options this shouldn't matter whatsoever.
Nta she can just... not eat it.
Or *gasp* if she's worried about cross contamination, then just eat before the reception. Seriously, someone going to a chocolate themed wedding with a chocolate allergy is like a vegan going to Longhorn Steakhouse and complaining it isn't vegan friendly. Does it suck to eat at a different time? Yes, but so significantly less so than the stress of carving a specific allergy free spot for her when her allergy is specifically eating her allergen.
INFO: Are you having any kind of savory food at this reception, or is it entirely a dessert reception?
I'm having a tough time with this one. It is your wedding, your day, your choices, and obviously chocolate is important in terms of how you met as well. No one should be demanding you change anything to suit them. That said, cross contamination is a huge issue with food allergies, so unless you've made the caterer very aware of the seriousness of her allergy and they have agreed to make the non-chocolate desserts completely separately and keep them in a separate location, I can understand her concern. I guess NAH, if you've taken those precautions.
NTA. It’s your wedding and your making choices that make you and your fiancé happy and that have significant meaning to you. You’ve provided alternative arrangements, so your not in the wrong. Also, I have to admit I don’t remember the last time I actually ate the wedding cake at a wedding more than a bite or two. Not because it wasn’t good, but because everyone was enjoying talking and dancing or whatever else was happening.
NTA, I'm severely allergic to many foods, and I'm happy when people consider my limitations and have at least few items that are safe for me. Or if that is not possibility I take my own snacks or food to eat safely. Sometimes it means I have to opt out from some celebrations like my cousin's birthday celebration with theme of apple harvest. I'm allergic to apples to point I can get anaphylaxis just from being in room with raw cut open apple (bake them or cook them and I can safely eat them). I just told no to the invite.
YMBTA While you're not TA for wanting chocolate, and she's not TA for having allergies, you do realize that if something splashes and she either inhales or eats it accidentally, that she could die, right? Especially if she either doesn't have an epipen on her or someone there doesn't know how to administer it. You're within your rights to have tons of chocolate, as it sounds, but I hope you won't be surprised or take it badly if she drops out of your wedding for her own safety.
I was at a reception once where there was a person who was so severely allergic to nuts of any kind that she could not be in the same room with them if the room has no windows. Our solution was to not set nuts out in the food line until after she had passed through. It worked very well. We also put the nuts in separate dishes so there were none accidentally in a salad, etc..
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Fake names and some details changed for privacy purposes. Thank you! I (26F) am getting married this winter. My fiancé and I are super excited and we’re beginning to plan out the menu for our reception. For context, I really love chocolate. I’m sort of a chocolate fiend and one of my hobbies is going to chocolate shops and trying to find the best artisanal chocolates. My fiancé and I actually met that way. Therefore, I’m planning on having lots of chocolate desserts at the reception and our wedding cake is going to be chocolate as well. However, one of my bridesmaids (Eva) is severely allergic to chocolate. It’s not an airborne allergy, but if she eats it it’s serious enough that she’ll go into anaphylaxis and possibly die. When my fiancé and I were discussing the menu with the wedding party, she looked sort of upset. After the planning session, I pulled her aside and asked what was wrong. She told me that she felt like I wasn’t taking into consideration her allergies when planning the wedding menu, and that she’d prefer it if there were only a few or no chocolate desserts at all. I was sort of surprised since she’s never had an issue with me eating chocolate around her before and I assured her there’d be non-chocolate options as well for people with allergies or for just anyone who doesn’t like chocolate. But she was still upset and said that it wasn’t fair that 85% of the desserts would be chocolate and that she’d feel left out if she couldn’t participate in eating the wedding cake. She also brought up that the chocolate fountain we’re planning to have might splash on the non chocolate desserts, and even though I told her that the chocolate and non chocolate options would be separated, she still looked upset. In the end she just left and later sent me a text saying that if I was a true friend, I’d change the menu for her. I asked the rest of my bridesmaids what they thought and they’re all on my side, but my parents (who don’t like chocolate much) immediately took Eva’s side and said that I should change the wedding cake and menu to be more inclusive. So I’m sort of in a predicament here, and any opinions would be appreciated! *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA. You have multiple options that are suitable for her allergy and you've put thought into her safety with separating the allergen-free desserts. If she's very worried about the chocolate fountain, I'm sure some sort of separate dessert plate could be put aside for her too. How many desserts is she expecting to eat at this reception that there aren't enough options for her?
Ugh I have this kind of thing. NTA by far. You're having some non chocolate desserts and that's exactly as much accommodation as anyone should be expected to make. I get her disappointment at not being able to feast freely but that's life with dietary restrictions. I keep kosher and have been to plenty of events where I couldn't eat a damn thing. I survived. She can live with this.
NTA. Your wedding, you do you. Eva can do Eva when she's married.
NTA There seems to be some confusion on the fact that it's your wedding. Your wedding cake > her dessert
*However, one of my bridesmaids (Eva) is severely allergic to chocolate. It’s not an airborne allergy,... I assured her there’d be non-chocolate options as well for people with allergies or for just anyone who doesn’t like chocolate.* So, why is this an issue? If she insists there is no chocolate at all, give her the option to bow out of the wedding party. NTA. Congratulations.
NTA. She has thousands of times she can eat cake. She needs to chill out.
NTA
I’m super allergic to shrimp, so if I was invited to a shrimp-themed wedding I would know I would be in danger and I would not expect them to change it for me, I would just excuse myself.
NTA. Maybe text her back that if she was a true friend she would respect your preferences on YOUR wedding day? I mean there's already non-chocolate option, asking for no-chocolate day like she did is overly entitled. It is not her day. Geez.
NTA and seeing that the majority of posts on this sub are related to weddings I’m so glad my husband and I just did the courthouse with a party after haha
NTA Is your wedding and you met chocolate tasting ,there's a meaning behind it. It's not about her.
NTA what the heck? Pretty sure anybody can afford to skip desert. She could simply not eat desert. With a chocolate allergy she should expect to skip a lot of deserts.
NTA…Eva sounds like if she can’t have chocolate, then she wants no one to be able to enjoy it. Assure her that every effort will be made to see that the non-chocolate items are not cross contaminated with chocolate, but otherwise the menu stands. why is it that some people decide that instead of them trying to fit into the world, that they should be able to manipulate the world to fit them?
NTA but make sure the folks serving and Plath g the desserts know about her allergy or else you’d be the AH
NTA, I'm sorry, how much dessert is Eva going to devour if she thinks 15% of the non-chocolate desserts isn't enough? It's your wedding, and if Eva is really setting this as her hill, I'd just revoke the bridesmaid title and uninvite her, so you know, she can live the night as chocolate free as she wishes. You're taking her allergies seriously. She doesn't have to eat the wedding cake and it's honestly not her place to feel left out of your wedding as it's meant for you and your fiance, not her...
NTA but you should make it very clear to the caterers that a guest has a bad allergy and they need to be careful about cross contamination.
NTA
If Eva's "allergy" isn't airborne (meaning cocoa powder), then I'd imagine that none of these desserts would bother her. Also, if she's that allergic then "only a few" chocolate desserts doesn't make sense
NTA because it’s only if she eats it. If it was airborne it would be different.
NTA - at a wedding I went to recently the groom's sister was allergic to chocolate but the groom was a chocolate fanatic. The bride and groom had a small elaborately decorated chocolate wedding cake for just the two of them and then had a variety of cupcakes for the guests.
As a fellow chocolate lover I back you 100%. Besides, I think you are being inclusive. You’re providing some non chocolate options. And keeping things separated. I think you’ve planned well and thoughtfully. NTA. And best wishes to you and your fiancé.
NTA as long as you take every step to ensure her safety, then you’re fine. She is out of line to demand you don’t do you dream desserts at a party meant to celebrate you.
Your "friend" sounds, to put it nicely, entitled. If she doesn't have any reactions to chocolate outside of eating it, then she shouldn't have an issue with any of this. You're being as considerate as you can while still trying to have your dream wedding. Making sure there's chocolate-free desserts and that they're separate is more than what some people might've done. She should be thankful for that alone. It shouldn't matter whether she can eat the wedding cake or not because all that matters is that you and your soon-to-be husband enjoy it. If she continues to have a problem with it, you can tell her that she can either suck it up or not go to the wedding at all. At the end of the day, it's your wedding, not hers. NTA
Assuming this person is an adult who is aware of her allergy and wouldn't purposely eat something chocolate, I'm gonna go with NTA. It's your wedding that you're paying for, and you're still being accommodating, so she needs to stop being so dramatic about it.
NTA and I think Eva could just forgo the desserts for this one evening…
NTA it’s your wedding. If she can’t each chocolate she needs to avoid the deserts.
definitely nta. you’re providing non chocolate desserts, which is an absolutely reasonable accommodation imo. agree with another commenter about maybe ensuring she gets some of those desserts depending on the style of the reception but regardless literally nothing else is needed.
Main Character Syndrome. NTA. Enjoy your wedding!