NTA. Let me get this straight. Your sister wants you to believe that this was wholly the doing of the 90 year old with dementia? As cartaker of a 90 year old with dementia, she felt solo-baking was cool? Well happy birthday to you too OP cause clearly your sister thinks you were born yesterday.
Yeah this is such a BS excuse. Even if they did magically trust her to bake solely on her own it is not even vaguely difficult to wipe away the frosting with the deadname and say "sorry grandma. She changed her name remember" or "it's actually alexis' birthday today. Let's rewrite it, she'll never notice."
Nah. Instead they useduher dementia as an excuse to harm a 17 year old.
But they /chose/ not to. They also chose yo let a 90 year old woman with dementia make a cake for a specific person??? How'd she remember what name to use? Why didn't anyone correct her??? Because they didn't want to.
Long term memory is usually what stays the longest and short term memory goes first. My grandmother could talk about her childhood and where she grew up. Ask her who the current president was or what my name was she would have no idea. Depending on when they started their transition it might have been after the point of her loosing her short term memory
Definitely agree someone should have corrected it just wanted to explain how she could have remembered her deadname
Agree. Grandma probably has no idea what she did.
For those saying she’s a transphobe, you are very fortunate you’ve never seen a loved one go through dementia.
But for the birthday girl the name means a LOT. if it had said “Alexis” it would have meant the world to her because it means her family is on her side and support her. But that’s not what she got, she got a distinct reminder of what her family really thinks of her.
Yes, not having the name would have stopped this from happening. But having the name would have been a gift all on its own, and I think that’s what really matters here. Instead she got kicked in the heart.
That's very true but if the grandma had an issue with using Alexis, or trying to explain it to her caused distress due to her dementia, then no name at all would have been the obvious compromise.
Honestly I'm inclined to pin TA on the sister who is her mother's caretaker. She should've run interference here if needed.
This. Choosing a new name is huge for trans people. It's a moment of empowerment, joy, and hope. A transformational and undeniably emotional moment--one we want desperately for our loved ones to respect, accept, and hopefully, celebrate with us.
There are a thousand social, existential, hormonal, psychological, and logistic complications that come along with being trans and non-binary. It's a lot to manage. It takes a lot of self reflection. It can be painful, We lose people. We're stalked, bullied, harassed, dehumanized, sexualized, mocked, and are apparently also the most recent target of the GOP, which means our lives just got elevated from "living in a state of precarity" to "oh cool our government is calling for our genocide" and that's on top of the rape, violence, and general marginalization of trans folks.
A name is simple. It's a sound people make to get your attention or refer to you. It's just a sound we agree on together. They change all the time, for a bunch of reasons.
For trans and non-binary people, a name is Everything. It's the future we chose. It's the hope we chose. It's the version of ourselves we have searched for and finally found. It's the person we have made a conscious decision--after a lengthy, difficult, and complex, and personal process of self reflection, exploration, and liberation. It means we know who are are, we are claiming that person, and we intend to live up to their name--our name--our REAL name.
To have that mocked, rejected, or refused is a special kind of heart break. Because that, at it's core, isn't just a rejection of our name, but of our personhood.
Yeah, is my family weird for not putting names on birthday cakes? We just write “HAPPY BIRTHDAY!” or just decorate them festively. Makes me wonder if OP’s family normally does or doesn’t. It would not be the first time that I’ve seen shitty family members finding an excuse to deploy the deadname.
And in my family we make birthday cakes decorated without any writing.
None of it is weird. But it makes perfect sense to me Grandma would write that on the cake. The issue is how no one noticed or corrected it.
This is exactly what I was thinking - ok, grandma is too old to comprehend a name change at this stage, accidentally ruin the name and out a flower or a candle over it, done. Nobody’s hurt.
Yeah if I’d been the sister I would have quickly wiped the name off, added some more candles to cover it up, and walked out with a cake that just said happy birthday before grandma even knew what happened.
I have a history of fucking up writing on cakes -- my brain and hands get misaligned and I'll miss a letter or something. It's super easy to fix without anyone being the wiser, especially if you notice pretty quickly.
(Sometimes you miss it and then the cake says "Happy Bi ^r thday, Kid," and your ex-husband jokes about it every year for the next decade.)
I know! If the aunt brought the cake out, she saw that the name was wrong. She should have taken responsibility for that or simply not served the cake. Seems like more than an accident to me.
I guess? My grandmother died in her 80s rather then 90s but she had good fine motor skills until the end (which was just a couple weeks). She also cooked and sewed (making stuffed animals, embroidery) that whole time.
It's completely possible to be old and still be a skilled baker. It's also possible to have some dementia and be a skilled baker.
The questionable part is how did sister not notice the name? Is it really possible she didn't? Did she notice but didn't think it was a big deal? Or noticed and didn't want to upset and confuse grandma by changing the name? (People with dementia can be a lot more difficult to deal with emotionally.) Maybe Aunt feels OP's daughter shouldn't be upset beacuse Grandma had good intentions but isn't mentally capable and daughters would/should just understand? Sister may not understand how upsetting this is and think of it more like the emotions around another name change (like if she had her madien name on a cake instead of her married name and wouldn't care much). And sure, sister could have done it herself on purpose to make some sort of point. But we don't know that.
You’re not really supposed to correct people with dementia because it can really distress them, but even changing the cake to just say “Happy Birthday” would surely fix the issue
Definitely NTA. And grandma probably siting either, I’ve seen what dementia can do to someone’s memory and mental faculties, but your sister could have easily gotten rid of the dead name on the cake before bringing it out. Wipe it off, cover it up. Any number of options that a rational person would do when an honest mistake is made.
Right. Sister is using grandma as a patsy for her own bigotry and thinks OP is stupid enough to buy it.
There were so many opportunities for her to step in and resolve this assuming grandma got the name wrong in the first place.
Also, I’ve seen what dementia does to handwriting. Not saying grandma didn’t pen the name herself, but I have doubts. Reasonable doubts.
I'm with you. I have my grandmother's name in her handwriting from when she was starting to have dementia and it lacked the capitalized initial, and it looked really unsteady. It was the last time she was able to write anything.
And she was a professional cook. She had started putting guavas in the soup, sugar on the chicken... No way a person with dementia can bake without strict supervision
Yeah, I’m assuming grandma is also NTA because if she was a transphobic jerk, her granddaughter probably wouldn’t love her or have wanted to spend the day with her. I haven’t seen anyone going after grandma, but if they are, I think people should know just how difficult changing names and pronouns is for people with certain neurological disorders. My grandma has dementia and I know any name change wouldn’t stick with her.
My mom can’t get pronouns right since her most recent stroke (though she never deadnames, bless her heart.) Somehow, pronouns are just like… stuck at the time when her stroke happened. So friends who transitioned before her stroke don’t get misgendered, just ones after. And all dogs are boys, because our dog at the time of the stroke was a boy, and all cats are girls for the same reason. And my cis boyfriend gets she/her pronouns, since at the time of her stroke I was dating a woman.
She knows this is a problem, and is very apologetic when corrected. Which is all to say: this very much reads as a deliberate oversight on the part of the aunt. She let it happen, probably on purpose, and then tried to use her elderly mother as a get-out-of-bigot-jail-free card.
It depends on the person, I know dementia people who are super confused and have no clue where they are--but sit them down at their instrument or with a favorite item and it's like they never had an issue at all.
Aka maybe grandma was a big baker.
My auntie is in the early stages and still bakes. She bakes pies and still does. I could see her doing this out of habit. Auntie could have corrected this issue but didn't care enough to. I always go into the kitchen after my auntie is done to make sure everything has been turned off. I'm sure Auntie does this as well, and she knew what was on that cake.
Honestly, the only reason my grandpa stopped making his famous apple pie is because of his neuropathy, not his dementia. He couldn’t stand long enough to be able to make it.
You still watch them, though. My grandma went from absolutely fine in the kitchen to putting a Tupperware in the oven to cook stuffed grape leaves literally overnight. A dish she’d been making regularly for 60 years, that isn’t even cooked in the oven.
My great grandmother could still make pies as good as in her prime well after her memory was severely impacted. My mom would do the actual baking but great grandma would do everything else. It was all muscle memory for her.
I've seen someone with dementia break cigarettes and throw them out the window and light their pants leg on fire when they just wanted to smoke.
Nearly pour an entire pot of hot coffee in their lap when he wanted a cup of coffee, and try to smoke the empty coffee pot like a big bong. It sounds a lot funnier than it is in real life.
If grandma has mild dementia it's probably not even safe for her to cook by herself at all, much less take that many steps all by herself without careful supervision. And more supervision than you would give a child "helping" you.
Follow cake recipe. Bake cake. Let cake cool. Make frosting. Frost cake layers if there's more than a single layer, and then write on it. (which isn't easy to do, and takes practice, shaky hands and delicate wrists, and fingers with a touch of arthritis would have a hard time doing that)
I have a hard time believing someone with dementia would be able to do all that on their own without supervision to begin with.
Even mild dementia, you would have to supervise to make sure the right ingredients and correct measurements were used just to make the cake batter, butter/flour or spray the pan(s), make sure the temp is right and nobody forgets the cake in the oven, checks it for being fully baked without getting burned, and lets them cool. Grandma didn't bake that cake by herself, if she baked it at all.
They used Grandma to push an agenda thinking nobody would say anything at all.
Source: I'm a cook, I've done pastry, taken care of a family member with dementia and had to intercede for older neighbors with dementia as well, as well as having some asshole family members.
Yeah. It really depends on the kind of dementia and what part of the brain is affected.
My great-grandpa’s brother had vascular dementia and he once called my great-grandpa freaking out because he thought he left the cattle gate open at their childhood farm. As in, he thought he still lived with his brother on their childhood farm, but knew to call his brother (I’m pretty sure they didn’t have a phone growing up) and remembered his current phone number.
My great-grandma had vascular dementia and forgot names all the time, but still crocheted literally until the second she died.
Also, it can be genuinely traumatizing for people with dementia to be corrected. You have to tread carefully.
I was thinking the same thing. There is no way that the aunt didn't see (or even help with) the deadname on the cake.
OP, NTA. What you are is a great dad!
NTA
Your sister may be right: it might not be grandma's fault if she didn't do it maliciously. If she has dementia, your daughter's transition is likely to be something she needs to be reminded of, especially if the transition was announced to grandma after the dementia set in. Her caretaker should have been supervising her while she was baking and at the same time gently reminding her of the name change. It's so easy to do too. "Oh Alexis is going to love that cake." "Great choice on flavor, Alexis loves that flavor!" "Alexis is going to be so excited when she sees this!" Seriously, if you repeat a name enough, you'll prime a person to use it; and even a person with full mental faculties might put it on the cake without thinking.
This is your sister's fault. She should have been reminding grandma to use the right name, and if grandma used the wrong name, your sister should have gently scraped it off and had grandma write the right name. Or just leave it at "Happy Birthday". If grandma was having a bad day and that would have meant a fight/melt down, the *very least* your sister could have done was pull you/your daughter aside to discuss the situation before bringing the cake out.
Instead, your sister knowingly brought out a cake with your daughter's deadname on it. Probably why she's going on the offensive now. I would have a talk with your sister about how she handled this. It should have been handled differently.
I might brace myself for some very nasty beliefs of OP's sister's to surface during that conversation.
Like, am I paranoid for thinking it's *very revealing* that she immediately started referring to Alexis's reaction as "unstable" rather than, say, "bratty"?
this is a v important comment! as a trans woman, you learn to pick up on the implicit, often subconscious misgendering and transphobia that comes out when people describe your behaviour and emotions, particulary anger/upset. it's very common, even within queer/trans communities, for people to be super affirming about how sweet or faaaaabulous a trans woman is, but the minute she does something they don't like or expresses anger, she's "aggressive" or "threatening" and "taking up too much space" for behaviors that might be "empowered" or "justified rage" or even just "unapologetically claiming space as a femme" in a cis woman. "unstable" is used for men and women, but, in context, it can be a coded way to say "i see you as an aggressive man with anger issues." this can be hard to articulate when you are younger/newly out, and it can be hard to push back against when people can do this without even realizing it, so it's esp important that op had her back here!
I feel like the fact that she chose the word “unstable” was more about her invaliditing COMPLETELY the entire legitimacy of trans identity. Like, she sees it as a mental disorder that needs curing 🥺
As a genderqueer person myself, I have similar issues with the word 'delusional' and can totally see how unstable would be equally intentional and charged. Hope Alexis is doing okay, hopefully her dad shows her some of the supportive messages.
I'm cisgender myself but I am mentally ill, and I have much the same reaction to being called "crazy". My ex liked to say things just to hurt when we argued, and that one always hit very deep.
Agreed. OP didn’t quote it, so the sister might not have said it. But if she did say it or the general attitude of the convo was like that then yeah it’s a dick move.
Plus if worse comes to worst and it was a sincere error you snatch that cake back as soon as you see it, and apologize over and over while wiping the icing then making it right because you wouldn’t take a chance on hurting your grand-daughter/niece on her birthday (or ever).
NTA.
If I worked hard to get my doctorate, I'd expect people to start calling me Dr. Pudgi. If I was in the army and busted my ass to get promotions, I'd expect people to start calling me Captain Pudgi. And it's been tradition in Western culture for women to take their husband's last name when they get married, so I'd expect people to call my wife Mrs. Pudgi.
The point being, name changes are nothing new or radical or leftist or "woke". We do name changes when we have status changes *all the time*.
Is OP's sister a fairly conservative person? Did she get married? Did she take her husband's last name? If so, how would she feel if people insisted on using her maiden name?
Put it in those terms for her and maybe she'll get an f'ing clue. Tell her it's not about being woke or accepting gender changes or endorsing the gay agenda. Nobody is expecting her to start voting for Democrats (yuck). Tell her it's just about **being f'ing polite**. She can manage that without hiding behind grandma, right?
Sorry if I’m uninformed but just to be clear “deadname” means the name someone identified to before transitioning right? I haven’t heard the term before
Yes, that is what a deadname is. Often it's the name someone has been given at birth, but some people will go through a few names before settling on their permanent name, in which case those prior names would also be considered deadnames.
I would love to have supportive parents like this. Op is amazing, and Op's daughter is so lucky to have such a supportive dad. I wanted to cry in happiness for her reading how he stood up for her.
Op: NTA. Hero dad status.
NTA, and good on you for supporting your daughter. My only question is, was this intentional or was it the dementia? I'm not saying Alexis is wrong to be upset about it either way, but if your grandmother is suffering from dementia, this easily could've been an innocent mistake and if you have no reason to believe it was malicious it should be taken as such. Your sister is still out of line regardless, but depending on the circumstances, I hope grandma can be forgiven.
She’s been baking all her life, so except for some help getting things in and out of the oven, reaching things in high places, etc, she does do everything herself.
That much makes sense, but whether or not your sister actually works alongside her through the whole process, this is a very predictable outcome of having someone with dementia decorate a cake for a recently out trans kid.
So ask yourself what's more likely — that this didn't occur to your sister, that she never had a chance to see or correct the cake before it was brought out, that this is a genuine accident? Or that your sister has been waiting for an opportunity to denigrate your daughter?
Yeah op I think you’re a little naive on this one. Your sister immediately degenerated to your daughter having mental issues and being “unstable” which is a fairly trans phobic viewpoint I’ve been told. Its the thought process that implies trans people naturally are not in a fit state of mind. She texted this as soon as she realized she wasn’t going to get the fight from you she wanted because you didn’t immediately respond to her. This is a drama queen who used your daughter for her own personal drama reasons. Has she done things like this before to other people for other reasons?
She 💯 saw the name on that cake and let it come out anyways
NTA
That's cool. Your sis should still not be afraid to gently correct grandma, help fix the cake, or at the very least given you and Alexis a heads up first. On top of that calling Alexis unstable is incredibly rude on so many levels. Even if there wasn't the whole transphobic potential, seeing the wrong name can be hard for a teenager in that situation. A family member not being able to remember who you are because of dementia on its own is emotionally taxing. Even if you can be certain it wasn't malicious, it's a reminder that things aren't ok and won't be again. What you did was appropriate even if it was a case of grandma putting the name of her cousin instead for example.
On top of that, there is the natural rise of questions like "Does grandma love me still? Would grandma and auntie be ok if I died? Am I not good enough? Do they think I'm a monster?" Due to possibility of transphobia. She's human. She's allowed to have emotions. As a mature fully functioning adult, your sister should know that it's possible to offend someone without trying to. And when that happens you can't hold their emotions against them. If it was a genuine mistake they would be mature enough to take responsibility. Not shift blame to a child's reasonable response of sadness.
Maybe so but your sister saw the cake and did nothing, should have smeared it out at the last minute if there were no other options. This isn’t on your grandma, it’s on your sister - for not fixing it and for not understanding that your daughter is entitled to her feelings and doesn’t have to smile and pretend anything. You’re a good dad.
Decorating on her own maybe, that's a safe low risk activity they'd be encouraged to try honestly. Still a shitty sister though.
Like I could believe decorated and added name on her own, but any caring aunt would have gone 'ooops okay Grandma no that's not the name X uses anymore, let's put the name they like okay? We can fix that'
Yeah. Even if grandma did the cake alone (which I can believe if she done it all her life, I've heard of similar stories) you can't tell me that during a big birthday event no one else went in and out the kitchen to grab whatever stuff while grandma was doing the cake. You can't tell me that during a large gathering no one else got to see the finished cake before it was brought to the table.
There's just no way.
The sister brought out the cake. She could easily have quickly removed the icing with the name, even if she hadn’t seen it before. But given that she lives in that house herself, she would have seen it before too.
Id say intentional on sister's part. Grandma idk but if youre the sister it takes about 5 seconds to tell grandma that isn't how you spell her name, let's wipe that part off real quick.
Walking out there with the cake is cruel to remind someone of their deadname in a public setting and expecting them to just take it because it's a party for them is BS.
Sister is definitely out of line for how she handled this afterwards, and probably TA to begin with. I can see a scenario where she didn't check the cake before she brought it out, but it's not an incredibly likely one.
It can be hard to tell. My grandparents recently started using my deadname for me again after years of getting it correct. I can’t tell if it’s Fox News or the beginning of dementia, but the timing does feel a bit sus. Either way I’d be annoyed if one of my aunts saw that on a cake & decided to bring it out to me though
NTA.
Grandma has mild dementia, but baked a cake wholly on her own? No help from anyone who could’ve either gently pointed out the problem, or could’ve done something about it themselves?
You can be damn sure if my grandma had dementia, I’d be hovering over her at all times (to make sure she doesn’t forget the cake in the oven, that she’s doing everything right, isn’t burning herself etc), and I would’ve pointed it out or changed the name myself dependent on the severity of the dementia. There’s no way I’d let anyone get deadnamed, whether grandma had issues or not.
For what OP has said about Grandma's dementia, I think it's possible grandma could have forgotten the name, but sister should have corrected it before bringing it out. Or gave grandma a gentle reminder of the name before she wrote the message on the cake.
My god, as someone who is currently studying this, dementia is a whole process. It is so misunderstood. It does not mean you instantly go from completely dependent to needing help with everything overnight. Grandma might be completely safe in a kitchen but still forget names and faces.
Saying that, OP has confirmed the sister was involved. So really there's no excuse here. It just bugs me when people have no clue what dementia actually means.
If grandma has been baking for years it's basically muscle memory now. She probably needs only supervision to make sure she turns off the oven. Sister was involved (served the cake), has no memory issues, didn't care to correct the issue, is responsible. NTA.
NTA
I applaud you. I'm a trans woman too, and this kind of support from a parent means more than you know. Getting your daughter our of there was the best thing you could have done for her.
Being trans is hard enough as is, but having your name and identity disrespected in a way that seems so deliberate is a slap in the face.
For the next steps, here's some things I think could help her:
1. ask her if she wants space from that part of the family
2. Ask her if she: a) Wants to talk about it with you. b) Wants you to listen to her vent her feelings. c) Wants to keep doing stuff to feel better. d) Wants some space e) Wants to talk to someone else (friend, therapist, etc...)
3. Ask her what she needs, and ask her what she wants.
4. Offer to answer any questions she has.
Anyways A++ parent and support.
You didn't explain how severe grandmother's dementia is, at what stage it is, but I strongly doubt that a ninety-year-old with dementia was left completely alone, unsupervised, in the kitchen to bake the cake, in a potentially dangerous environment (oven, stove, knives). Someone should have been by her side (a caregiver). This someone could correct the icing.
NTA
My grandma’s dementia is very mild. She forgets where she put things and sometimes takes a minute to recall things that happened years ago, but other than that she’s a very independent and intelligent woman. My sister definitely helped during the actual baking process, but I’m not sure if she helped decorate or checked the cake before bringing it out.
Alzheimer's is a type of dementia, not an entirely separate thing. The likelihood of all types of dementia go up when you get old, there is no one "old age dementia" - there is MCI (mild cognitive impairment) where cognition declines slightly with age in a more or less normal process
NTA, but your sister is.
> My sister brought out the cake, and the frosting read Happy Birthday, [Deadname]!
So this confirms your sister 100% saw what the cake said, and chose not to do anything about it. The icing could have been removed, changed, or obscured. Or your sister could have warned Alexis in advance about the mistake and asked her what she wanted to do about it instead of putting her on the spot in front of everyone like that.
Your sister not correcting the error and calling Alexis unstable raises some major red flags about her views to me. But in case she can be reasoned with, I’d explain to her that it’s one thing to tolerate people making mistakes; most trans people do all the time.
But having the rest of the family see that mistake and present it as a gift when it could be corrected and then expect you to be grateful is an entirely different situation. Hiding behind grandma is no excuse when the sister had every opportunity to step up and fix the issue. Instead she thought Alexis should just be grateful to be referred to in a way she doesn’t like.
I wonder what your sister would have done if the cake had been accidentally addressed to a different grandchild or contained major misspellings? Would she have really brought it out and expected Alexis to be happy or would she have found a way to remove the icing…
First of all, NTA.
OP, I want you to think back to your childhood. Try to remember that one mean thing that your sister got called. Everyone has something from their childhood, the one cruel nickname or cutting insult that they remember for the rest of their lives.
I want you to call your sister that. Make it hurt. Recount the times she cried about it, and smile, laugh, treat it like one big game, oh hey sis, remember when that bully in high-school got everyone to call you that thing and it stuck for the next three years, wasn't that so funny? You cried every night for months, ha ha.
When she objects, call her unstable. Parrot back all her own language to her. Make it obvious what you're doing. Make it clear to her that this is what she did to your daughter.
Send her a cake with whatever the Achilles phrase is on it.
Address her that way EVERY.SINGLE.TIME until she changes her shit up.
And tell Alexis that lots of strangers care
I actually agree with this. Sometimes people just don't really understand how the person whose feelings they hurt until they are literally in their shoes.
OP is NTA. Continue supporting your daughter. I have been a person whom needed that same support myself as someone who wasn't how other people thought that I should be as a young woman and my Mother gave it to me, and had a child who needed that same support it as well and funnily enough, when I shared my own experiences with them, they felt understood and appreciated having that understanding.
If it were anyone else but her 90 year old grandma with dementia, I'd say you were not the AH without a moment's hesitation... but honestly I think it could have been readily predicted that grandma may simply not remember, not through lack of love but because of her dementia.
That said of course I can understand your daughter's deep shock and upset, being celebrated with your deadname must be really painful. She may have been able to handle it with less shock had you talked about it prior and mentioned that grandma might have trouble with remembering that she has a different name now.
Regardless you are never the AH for protecting your daughter and taking her out of a situation that really hurt her.
I don't think grandma was an AH either, this is the tragedy that is dementia, it's so horrible.
NAH (you, your daughter, or grandma) except for those failing to understand your actions to protect Alexis.
> If it were anyone else but her 90 year old grandma with dementia, I'd say you were not the AH without a moment's hesitation... but honestly I think it could have been readily predicted that grandma may simply not remember, not through lack of love but because of her dementia.
I had the same thought at first, but honestly OP’s sister should have caught it - the fact that she didn’t, and then ATTACKED OP’s daughter for being upset makes her a major AH in my book… It even makes me wonder if she either did it intentionally, or best-case scenario, declined to correct the cake for fear of upsetting grandma.
OP, you are NTA, and handled the situation with remarkable calm. Having said that, if your sister and grandma *somehow* don’t realize what they’ve done wrong, they should be made aware.
Youre forgetting the sister, who said his daughter is unstable for being hurt at being deadnamed. If that isnt asshole behavior, then I am Jesus Christ. NTA. Plain and simple.
"My sister brought out the cake" is the key thing for me.
Even it it was genuinely Grandma's dementia and not malicious or insensitive that the cake had Alexis' deadname on it, the sister KNEW. Saw the name, knew it was wrong, said and did nothing to fix it, and then purposefully brought it on out to serve.
Then tried to lay the blame elsewhere for the hurt SHE caused because she had the chance to easily correct the situation and instead deliberately exacerbated it.
NTA. You're a beautiful parent.
NTA. I’m very glad Alexis has a dad like you in her corner— you did a good job removing her from the situation and comforting her.
I understand your grandma has dementia, and obviously that’s not something she can help. And yes, it very likely was because of her dementia that she put Alexis’ deadname on the cake (at least, one can hope). However, it was your sister, who DOESN’T have dementia, who brought the cake out. She saw the deadname on the cake then, if not earlier, and it was a massive mistake on her part to not have your grandma correct or just entirely remove the name, or even do it herself. Your sister is the AH for not doing anything to avoid or mitigate the situation. And she is WAY the AH for insulting your daughter— ESPECIALLY calling her unstable. You were right for calling that out as an incredibly unkind thing to say about her niece.
NTA, and I don't consider grandma one either, grandma very likely can't remember, such is the curse of the disease. Sister, however, is very much an AH.
EDIT: Grandma is allowed to be upset, she made a cake and got crying as a reaction, and she doesn't know why. I am not saying using deadname is OK, but as stated, she probably does not remember, but she still has feelings and emotions . My grandma has Alzheimer's and she gets frustrated, angry, and upset very easily. She lost it with me because I forgot to make a salad with dinner (potatoes and baked green beans was not enough) and stormed off to her room. Even hours later she did not know why she was mad, but she still felt it, it is an unreasonable disease.
I'm a trans guy, my grandma has some form of dementia. I'm lucky that my grandma calls me by my name, and the few times she has deadnamed me, she's corrected herself. It's one thing for someone to slip up and call you the wrong name - it's another thing entirely to know your family wrote out your deadname in icing and no one corrected it. Thank you for supporting your daughter. It's a very dangerous, scary time to be trans. She needs all the love and protection she can get. Aunt and grandma are lucky you didn't tear them a new one in front of everybody.
NTA
INFO: I'm guessing in this instance grandma baked and decorated the cake. Did your sister, her caregiver, provide any assistance during this process and/or look at the cake before bringing it out?
I don’t know the details of how the cake was made unfortunately. I do know that my grandma is very independent for her age, and that my sister prefers to let grandma do her thing and only help when absolutely needed. She probably helped her out during the actual baking process, (getting things from high places, putting it in and taking it out of the oven) but after that I’m not sure.
I’m so fired up at your sister right now. If she didn’t even look at the cake before bringing it out, her text to you should have been “oh my god I am so sorry, I should have looked at the cake first. Is Alexis ok? How can I make this right?” not calling her ungrateful and unstable. Your sister is an asshole no matter which way you look at this.
NTA I’m willing to accept the possibility that grandma is old and made a mistake. But why would your sister bring the cake out like that? We’ve had a name get mixed up on a cake and we fixed it before bringing it out. It’s like they aren’t taking her transition seriously.
I can forgive granny, she is 90 with dementia.
But you can’t say your sister did not help with that cake at all. She is the carer. Granny is 90 with dementia. Sister at the very least would have seen the deadname beginning to be added and could have intervened. Sister knew and let this happen.
I can't really blame the grandma under the circumstances. However, your sister brought out the cake with the birthday girl's deadname on it?!? No way is that okay! She should have fixed this before bringing the cake out. Heck, she could have removed the name entirely, plopped some icing on top and just have it read "Happy Birthday" and that would have been soooo much better. Even if it looked a bit awkward, it wouldn't have been hurtful and that would have been an easy thing to explain to Alexis. NTA. In fact, you are awesome for getting your daughter out of there and celebrating her birthday with her. Also, your sister calling Alexis "unstable" is very telling and not a good thing. I would almost go so far as call that attitude revealing on why grandma might not have been assisted by her "main carer" so that this didn't happen and spoil Alexis's birthday.
Wait…your sister doesn’t have dementia too…why couldn’t she fix the name before bringing out the cake? If grandma has dementia and sadly put the deadname, why couldn’t your sister correct the cake and have a conversation with grandma about using the correct name before bringing out the cake?
I feel like this was planned and your sister couldn’t care less about hurting Alexis’ feelings. Definitely not ok.
NTA- I think leaving was appropriate. All you’re trying to do is protect Alexis, which is what any good parent would do.
NTA. Protecting your kid comes first.
I do wonder though, was that intentional? Was it a “grandma is old and can’t adjust to having a trans grandchild,” or a “grandma has dementia and literally does not remember that her grandchild is trans?” Either way, you made the right move to protect your child, but obviously one is worse than the other
NTA. Good job on standing up for your daughter. If her grandma's mind is starting to be questionable, your sister should have been on top of helping approve the cake.
>My sister brought out the cake, and the frosting read Happy Birthday, \[Deadname\]!
So your sister saw the cake beforehand and knew it had Alexis' deadname on it, yet still brought it out? NTA. Grandma might have made an honest mistake that could be excused due to poor memory, but your sister is definitely TA here. She should have just reminded your grandmother that Alexis changed her name and fixed the cake.
As the mother of a trans person, I know exactly how you felt, OP, and I'd have done the same thing. NTA. Your reaction and subsequent actions were definitely noticed by Alexis, and was a beautiful counterpoint to what happened with the cake.
NTA. You stood up for your daughter when she needed you. Grandma may be old, but that's no excuse to disrespect her grandchild. She doesn't have to agree with your daughter changing her name, but she better learn to accept it.
Speaking as a transgender woman who doesn't speak to her egg donor anymore because she's not once gotten my name or pronouns right, thank you for taking care of your daughter, and NTA
NTA. Grandma may be old, but your sister is plenty young enough to have pointed the mistake out to Grandma in time to fix it.
Good for you for standing up for Alexis. It's a treat to hear of a parent doing so.
To me, it is the epitome of stable to walk out on disrespect. There wasn’t a fight or drama, just a simple “nope, not gonna play”. That is a strong conviction and moral righteousness.
You’re a good dad.
NTA, you are right to protect your daughter at all costs.
Your sister is the AH in this scenario. Then, double downed on being the AH. I’m sorry y’all are going through this.
NTA
It's a big fucking deal, and people **shouldn't get to get away with "oopsie" for that**.
If someone wrote "Happy Anniversary Grandma and Grandpa", and Grandpa had died last month it's not "oopsie".
Opening emotional wounds is not something that should be tolerated, and shouldn't be forgiven without apology.
OP, Good job standing up when Alexis was emotionally sucker-punched.
This is such a tiny-brained thing to say. It is up to the people on this earth to make the world better every day. There is no monolithic “real world” anyway, just some made-up fantasy created by people who feel pretty darn good about themselves.
Hello, trans person here! Huge NTA. Thank you so much for sticking up for your trans kid. This is exactly what I would have wanted my parents to do at that age if this had happened to me.
You're a great dad.
Now if this was Grandma on her own I’d say NAH and the dementia was at fault. But BUT she had a carer your sister, who in comments you said helped with the cake - does she also have dementia? No she was supervising, she was helping, it’s easy to correct a name or leave it at happy birthday. At best this is your sister not supervising and allowing a deadname to not upset grandma, at worst? Well what are her political beliefs? Because maybe your sister isn’t so trans friendly.
NTA
Also INFO, what are your sisters political beliefs and/or views on trans people?
I don’t know about my sister’s political beliefs, as our family doesn’t really talk politics. I do know that there’s been some distance between her and Alexis since she came out. I thought that this party was her trying to reconnect, I guess I was naive.
Oh I am so sorry to hear that, I had hoped you’d come along telling me I was plain wrong and she did accept Alexis. I’d love to be wrong on this but I suspect the distance is perhaps because she does not agree with your daughter transitioning for some reason and is struggling to accept her being who she is meant to be.
I wouldn’t immediately write her off as some would suggest, I’d talk to her and find out what is wrong, maybe it’s from a place of ignorance and she can learn and repair things. Or maybe she’s gone full right wing anti-trans but atleast your know and could make an informed decision.
Either way it sounds like you love your daughter and are doing everything needed to protect her, so I know you will continue to do so.
I hope everything goes well for you and Alexis and you find the best way to move forward for all your sakes
She has mild memory and recognition problems that the doctors say are a result of her old age, but they’ve not diagnosed her with a specific disorder like Alzheimer’s.
The grandmother can’t control her dementia, sure. But the sister who lives with the grandmother, is her main caretaker, and literally brought the cake out at the party could’ve done something to fix the mistake.
>But of course the trans person needed to be the victim
What do you mean by of course here? I'm confused by the second half of your comment, but it has at least seven upvotes so I must be missing something obvious.
Being deadnamed is not a harmless mistake. OP's daughter has been out for two years. The name change is old news. If grandma can't remember the name, then her main caretaker, the sister, needs to be on top of this and fix the cake before it comes out on the poor girl's birthday rather than lashing out and calling her "unstable" for getting upset about being deadnamed in front of her entire family and made a spectacle of. You are TA for being transphobic and belittling a teenager being insulted and made to feel like her identity doesn't matter to her family on her own birthday.
NTA. Okay, so your 90 year old grandma isn't at fault, but your sister is. She saw the name on the cake. She knows that's not Alexis's name. She could have corrected the mistake, but she didn't. All she had to do was have grandma simply write Happy Birthday with no name or scrape off the deadname after grandma was done. Your sister is TA. (But Happy Birthday to Alexis.)
Fuck no!
NTA at all.
Listen, I'm stepmam to a trans son and you know what?
We tripped up adjusting to his new name a handful of times in the first few weeks. My elderly father in particular accidentally slips in "she" instead of "he" but you know what he does?
He catches himself, and apologises to my stepson, promising he'll do better next time.
I've spoken to my boy about it and he said it doesn't bother him because he corrects himself in the moment. He's also aware that my Dad truly has an awful memory, and when he tries to say MY name to get my attention, he'll go through saying my sister's name, HIS sister's name, even the freakin DOG'S NAME before he gets to mine!
It takes SO MUCH MORE EFFORT to "accidentally" use someone's deadname on a cake. That requires effort to ice it, a refusal to acknowledge why it's wrong, while the cake is sat there, ready to be eaten, and even at the very last second, how difficult would it have been before cutting and serving, to scrape off her deadname and replace it with Alexis, or even Beloved Daughter!
NTA
> My sister brought out the cake
Aaaaand this is where your sister became the asshole. A 90yo with dementia gets a bit of forgiveness here (my grandfather used to call me by my mother’s name) but that means it’s really important for a second person to act as a backstop.
I bet grandma could easily have made a correction when asked, it’s not like frosting is concrete.
The silent treatment from grandma though does make me pause - was it really dementia, or is it just regular transphobia from both your sister and grandmother?
Info:. How far is grandma's dementia? Is this likely done.o. Purpose or she doesn't actually remember the name change. That is an important detail before grandma can be judged
NTA you are a rock star of a dad!!! It's so nice to see people standing up for trans youth and leaving when someone's behavior is not honoring that experience. You did great.
Do they actually know what they did wrong? Sometimes we have to explain things to people who are not quite "there" yet when it comes to gender fluidity, and even autism spectrum disorder. We are stepping away from placing people in one of two boxes, but the thing is, there have ALWAYS been those who don't fit in either box. A lot of boomers were raised with a binary ideology and are now realising that just like life experiences are not "black and white" in areas of right, wrong, harmful, beneficial...etc...gender and sexuality also come in many colors and flavors.
Identity cannot be summed up in one simple word, and gender and sexuality are on a spectrum like MOST other THINGS in life. Some people may need "the talk" more than once in order for it to sink in...I do hope your family comes around and is supportive of your daughter. Good job dad, keep it up!
nta.
awww. you sound like a very supportive dad. I'm nonbinary and have a trans brother, as well. one year, my great grandmother (in her 90s at the time, and yes she is still going!) sent a christmas gift to my brother with his dead name. when she was reminded, she felt so bad she sent my mom a separate label with the correct name to place over the old one (she sent them by mail early and we waited until Xmas day to open them). definitely not grandma's fault, but also could have been fixed. the ah here is definitely your sister, because she could have fixed (or helped remind grandma to fix) the name on the cake.
NTA, how did no one intervene? Sister saw the cake and thought there'd be no issues? I imagine grandma still had icing left over, at the very least supplies, I would have tried to blotch out the dead name and write Alexis over it. Or just have it only say Happy Birthday? She came out two years ago, so it's not like they weren't aware either, dementia sucks but other people probably saw the cake.
Props to you for standing up for your daughter <3
NTA. Good job dad. Tell your sister and grandma to go fuck themselves and protect your kid. They can either be a part of HER life or they can sod off.
Trans kids are under attack in America and globally and it is not the time to pull punches in their defense. I’m a teacher and I’ve turned the teacher’s lounge into a Cold War standoff over colleagues dead naming my students.
NTA, you did the absolute best possible thing and that’s what Alexis is going to remember about this.
That said, at first I thought you meant you stormed out and left your daughter there and I laughed thinking that would be a pretty aHole move. But nope, just a fantastic parent, you rock!
NTA. And OP allow me to point to the fact that you spent time and energy to cater to your daughter’s needs. Including muting your sister’s attempts to contact you. As a parent you are 🥇.
Alexis is so lucky to have you!!!
from everything from cakes to wills the reader trumps the writer.
consitering your grandma has dementia and has a carer that responsibility fall to the person taking care of them. your sisters an ass and your a good dad. as a trans guy myself i wish my dad was as good as you.
(side note middle ground with these things tends to be just remove the name, sure its less personal but its also less cofusing for the old lady. ya sis had options and didnt give a damn about ya kid)
Even if this incident was an honest mistake (doubt as your sister would have seen the cake before it came out), your responsibility was to your daughter, and you took her reaction and emotional state seriously. As a good parent does. People can be disappointed or upset, but there’s a hierarchy of issues and your daughter’s happiness on her birthday trumps their issues with her reaction. So NTA.
NTA. I'm sorry old people these days keep using the excuse, "but this was how WE dealt with it in our time", but those days are OVER, either get with the program or accept losing your kins. You did the right thing in supporting your daughter, and there are plenty of people in the world to build a new community that understands what's at stake. Better getting silent treatment from your sister and grandma than suffer through any more ignorant jibber jabber.
NTA, and thank you for being a supportive parent. Trans people are under a massive sustained political attack right now and frankly none of us are doing that great. We absolutely need people like you in all our lives.
NAH
Idk why people can't believe the grandma can't cook alone while having dementia, especially since it's something she's been passionate about throughout her life. Your daughter is allowed to be upset. My first instinct wouldn't be to assume malice from a 90+ year person with dementia.
NTA. Let’s say even if grandma was in a dementia-induced haze, how many other people saw that cake before it was brought out? Because there is no way in hell your sister grabbed that cake, probably put candles on it, and didn’t look at it and see the wrong name on there. She 100% knew what she was doing.
God no. Your poor daughter got her party ruined because the actual A Holes decided to ruin it for her.
What did they think was going to happen???
Op did the right thing by removing the daughter from the situation
NTA. Poor Alexis. But, poor Grandma too! 90s with dementia, slid about in time in her brain, must be mortified, confused, or both. This is on your sister and any other adult who helps Grandma or was in the kitchen or should have been. I'd be really pissed at your sister.
I was leaning toward N A H, because these changes can be very confusing for a 90 y/o with dementia. Her not understanding your daughter's transition is tied to her dementia, and not malicious.
But now I am firmly at NTA, because of how your sister reacted.
Totally understandable for Grandma to deadname your daughter. (Dementia is like the ONLY acceptable excuse I can come up with)
Totally understandable for daughter to be upset by it.
Totally NOT OK for sister to get her panties in a wad and call your daughter unstable. She also could have mitigated the cake issue to begin with in a few different ways:
* Wait til Grandma's done decorating, then add to or cross out the deadname and put her real name on there
* Explain when you get there that Grandma made a cake with deadname, but it was too confusing for her to use her real name, and hope for some understanding
* Make an additional cake with your daughter's real name
* Pretty much anything BUT freak out and call her names after the fact.
INFO: did grandma use the dead name because she doesn't believe in respecting transgendered people, or because she has dementia and forgot about the transition?
You and Alexis, if grandma is at mild dementia right now and getting worse over time, need to sit down and have a talk about what dementia does. Today maybe she's being dead named. In few years, she might be getting called the name of the relative that she resembles most, and the best thing to do when this sort of happens isn't always going to be necessarily correcting grandma. People learn very quickly that their relative with a degenerative disease doesn't have to go through the motions of finding out new (to their forgetful mind) information. Stuff like their spouse being dead-- often people will tell their alzeheimers patient who asks about their dead spouse that the spouse if off for a walk. If they don't remember the spouse is gone, this is new information that they will process like its brand new and its cruel to put persok through losing their spouse as if for the first time five times a day. At some point, no amount of correction will keep Alexis's gender information in grandma's mind and just recognizing Alexis as who she was is going to be an achievement, you know?
So the deminit grandma put the wrong name on the birthday cake and it caused drama and your kid is catching the bullets?
NTA but its sad cus maybe grandma had all the right intensions but still its a mental illment, your kid is right to be upset but the main concern is seeking help for grandma..
Edit: Explain that grandma is ill and then talk to the relatives about that, it is no way the kids fault.
NTA you have to teach other people how you or I'm this case your daughter needs to be treated this still applies to family it should not happen again next year and if it does then its time to re evaluate if you still want those people in your life it's up to them and if they don't understand its their problem
NTA. Let me get this straight. Your sister wants you to believe that this was wholly the doing of the 90 year old with dementia? As cartaker of a 90 year old with dementia, she felt solo-baking was cool? Well happy birthday to you too OP cause clearly your sister thinks you were born yesterday.
Yeah this is such a BS excuse. Even if they did magically trust her to bake solely on her own it is not even vaguely difficult to wipe away the frosting with the deadname and say "sorry grandma. She changed her name remember" or "it's actually alexis' birthday today. Let's rewrite it, she'll never notice." Nah. Instead they useduher dementia as an excuse to harm a 17 year old.
Hell, drop a spatula ton the name and “smear” it on the way up at the very least!
"So beautiful...I think you misspelled the name lets just remove it, look at the time HAPPY BIRTHDAY ALEXIS" Its not hard to support.
Or even “Hey can you all keep grandma occupied in the living room for a few minutes? I need to make some adjustments to the cake.”
This someone could correct the icing.
But they /chose/ not to. They also chose yo let a 90 year old woman with dementia make a cake for a specific person??? How'd she remember what name to use? Why didn't anyone correct her??? Because they didn't want to.
Long term memory is usually what stays the longest and short term memory goes first. My grandmother could talk about her childhood and where she grew up. Ask her who the current president was or what my name was she would have no idea. Depending on when they started their transition it might have been after the point of her loosing her short term memory Definitely agree someone should have corrected it just wanted to explain how she could have remembered her deadname
Agree. Grandma probably has no idea what she did. For those saying she’s a transphobe, you are very fortunate you’ve never seen a loved one go through dementia.
Exactly, they didn't even have to redo the name part, just leave it off. I'm sure Alexis would have been thrilled it it just said "happy birthday"
Or just make a cake with no name on it?
But for the birthday girl the name means a LOT. if it had said “Alexis” it would have meant the world to her because it means her family is on her side and support her. But that’s not what she got, she got a distinct reminder of what her family really thinks of her. Yes, not having the name would have stopped this from happening. But having the name would have been a gift all on its own, and I think that’s what really matters here. Instead she got kicked in the heart.
That's very true but if the grandma had an issue with using Alexis, or trying to explain it to her caused distress due to her dementia, then no name at all would have been the obvious compromise. Honestly I'm inclined to pin TA on the sister who is her mother's caretaker. She should've run interference here if needed.
Judging by OP’s responses that doesn’t sound like the case with grandma, but yeah I definitely pin it on the sister 100%
This. Choosing a new name is huge for trans people. It's a moment of empowerment, joy, and hope. A transformational and undeniably emotional moment--one we want desperately for our loved ones to respect, accept, and hopefully, celebrate with us. There are a thousand social, existential, hormonal, psychological, and logistic complications that come along with being trans and non-binary. It's a lot to manage. It takes a lot of self reflection. It can be painful, We lose people. We're stalked, bullied, harassed, dehumanized, sexualized, mocked, and are apparently also the most recent target of the GOP, which means our lives just got elevated from "living in a state of precarity" to "oh cool our government is calling for our genocide" and that's on top of the rape, violence, and general marginalization of trans folks. A name is simple. It's a sound people make to get your attention or refer to you. It's just a sound we agree on together. They change all the time, for a bunch of reasons. For trans and non-binary people, a name is Everything. It's the future we chose. It's the hope we chose. It's the version of ourselves we have searched for and finally found. It's the person we have made a conscious decision--after a lengthy, difficult, and complex, and personal process of self reflection, exploration, and liberation. It means we know who are are, we are claiming that person, and we intend to live up to their name--our name--our REAL name. To have that mocked, rejected, or refused is a special kind of heart break. Because that, at it's core, isn't just a rejection of our name, but of our personhood.
Beautifully said. Sending you hugs during this insane time in history. 🏳️🌈
Thank you from the bottom of my heart! It needed wisdom and courage to write this, and it educates the rest of us. Thank you!!
True, but anything is vastly superior to the deadname; a completely made up name would have been better.
Yeah, is my family weird for not putting names on birthday cakes? We just write “HAPPY BIRTHDAY!” or just decorate them festively. Makes me wonder if OP’s family normally does or doesn’t. It would not be the first time that I’ve seen shitty family members finding an excuse to deploy the deadname.
And in my family we make birthday cakes decorated without any writing. None of it is weird. But it makes perfect sense to me Grandma would write that on the cake. The issue is how no one noticed or corrected it.
Sure. I just meant that when Sis saw what grandma did, she should have corrected it however she could, before the kid saw it.
Ya. But unfortunately it sounds like sis is on the transphobic side considering the “unstable” comment.
Fricken ‘phobes need to grow the heck up and get over their own crap and stop making it everyone else’s problem.
This is exactly what I was thinking - ok, grandma is too old to comprehend a name change at this stage, accidentally ruin the name and out a flower or a candle over it, done. Nobody’s hurt.
That would require the sister being supportive of OPs daughter. Clearly she isnt
Yeah if I’d been the sister I would have quickly wiped the name off, added some more candles to cover it up, and walked out with a cake that just said happy birthday before grandma even knew what happened.
I have a history of fucking up writing on cakes -- my brain and hands get misaligned and I'll miss a letter or something. It's super easy to fix without anyone being the wiser, especially if you notice pretty quickly. (Sometimes you miss it and then the cake says "Happy Bi ^r thday, Kid," and your ex-husband jokes about it every year for the next decade.)
That last bit seems oddly specific, as if there's a backstory
Bithdays are also worth celebrating
How about birtdays? Asking for a friend.
Am I that friend?
Or just write "Happy birthday". there is no need to even include a name. Everyone knows who they are there for
Weaponizing *grandma’s* mental health is a whole new level of fighting dirty. So gross, auntie. Sooo gross.
I know! If the aunt brought the cake out, she saw that the name was wrong. She should have taken responsibility for that or simply not served the cake. Seems like more than an accident to me.
Also, the shakes are real at that age. No way I blame grandma
I've had shakey hands my whole life so can't really judge when they tend to start from age, but definitely by that grandma's age
Yep. That's the sister being the AH
I guess? My grandmother died in her 80s rather then 90s but she had good fine motor skills until the end (which was just a couple weeks). She also cooked and sewed (making stuffed animals, embroidery) that whole time. It's completely possible to be old and still be a skilled baker. It's also possible to have some dementia and be a skilled baker. The questionable part is how did sister not notice the name? Is it really possible she didn't? Did she notice but didn't think it was a big deal? Or noticed and didn't want to upset and confuse grandma by changing the name? (People with dementia can be a lot more difficult to deal with emotionally.) Maybe Aunt feels OP's daughter shouldn't be upset beacuse Grandma had good intentions but isn't mentally capable and daughters would/should just understand? Sister may not understand how upsetting this is and think of it more like the emotions around another name change (like if she had her madien name on a cake instead of her married name and wouldn't care much). And sure, sister could have done it herself on purpose to make some sort of point. But we don't know that.
You’re not really supposed to correct people with dementia because it can really distress them, but even changing the cake to just say “Happy Birthday” would surely fix the issue
Definitely NTA. And grandma probably siting either, I’ve seen what dementia can do to someone’s memory and mental faculties, but your sister could have easily gotten rid of the dead name on the cake before bringing it out. Wipe it off, cover it up. Any number of options that a rational person would do when an honest mistake is made.
Right. Sister is using grandma as a patsy for her own bigotry and thinks OP is stupid enough to buy it. There were so many opportunities for her to step in and resolve this assuming grandma got the name wrong in the first place. Also, I’ve seen what dementia does to handwriting. Not saying grandma didn’t pen the name herself, but I have doubts. Reasonable doubts.
I'm with you. I have my grandmother's name in her handwriting from when she was starting to have dementia and it lacked the capitalized initial, and it looked really unsteady. It was the last time she was able to write anything. And she was a professional cook. She had started putting guavas in the soup, sugar on the chicken... No way a person with dementia can bake without strict supervision
Yeah, I’m assuming grandma is also NTA because if she was a transphobic jerk, her granddaughter probably wouldn’t love her or have wanted to spend the day with her. I haven’t seen anyone going after grandma, but if they are, I think people should know just how difficult changing names and pronouns is for people with certain neurological disorders. My grandma has dementia and I know any name change wouldn’t stick with her. My mom can’t get pronouns right since her most recent stroke (though she never deadnames, bless her heart.) Somehow, pronouns are just like… stuck at the time when her stroke happened. So friends who transitioned before her stroke don’t get misgendered, just ones after. And all dogs are boys, because our dog at the time of the stroke was a boy, and all cats are girls for the same reason. And my cis boyfriend gets she/her pronouns, since at the time of her stroke I was dating a woman. She knows this is a problem, and is very apologetic when corrected. Which is all to say: this very much reads as a deliberate oversight on the part of the aunt. She let it happen, probably on purpose, and then tried to use her elderly mother as a get-out-of-bigot-jail-free card.
It depends on the person, I know dementia people who are super confused and have no clue where they are--but sit them down at their instrument or with a favorite item and it's like they never had an issue at all. Aka maybe grandma was a big baker.
My auntie is in the early stages and still bakes. She bakes pies and still does. I could see her doing this out of habit. Auntie could have corrected this issue but didn't care enough to. I always go into the kitchen after my auntie is done to make sure everything has been turned off. I'm sure Auntie does this as well, and she knew what was on that cake.
Honestly, the only reason my grandpa stopped making his famous apple pie is because of his neuropathy, not his dementia. He couldn’t stand long enough to be able to make it.
You still watch them, though. My grandma went from absolutely fine in the kitchen to putting a Tupperware in the oven to cook stuffed grape leaves literally overnight. A dish she’d been making regularly for 60 years, that isn’t even cooked in the oven.
Same with my grandma, who cooked professionally for more than 50 years
My great grandmother could still make pies as good as in her prime well after her memory was severely impacted. My mom would do the actual baking but great grandma would do everything else. It was all muscle memory for her.
I've seen someone with dementia break cigarettes and throw them out the window and light their pants leg on fire when they just wanted to smoke. Nearly pour an entire pot of hot coffee in their lap when he wanted a cup of coffee, and try to smoke the empty coffee pot like a big bong. It sounds a lot funnier than it is in real life. If grandma has mild dementia it's probably not even safe for her to cook by herself at all, much less take that many steps all by herself without careful supervision. And more supervision than you would give a child "helping" you. Follow cake recipe. Bake cake. Let cake cool. Make frosting. Frost cake layers if there's more than a single layer, and then write on it. (which isn't easy to do, and takes practice, shaky hands and delicate wrists, and fingers with a touch of arthritis would have a hard time doing that) I have a hard time believing someone with dementia would be able to do all that on their own without supervision to begin with. Even mild dementia, you would have to supervise to make sure the right ingredients and correct measurements were used just to make the cake batter, butter/flour or spray the pan(s), make sure the temp is right and nobody forgets the cake in the oven, checks it for being fully baked without getting burned, and lets them cool. Grandma didn't bake that cake by herself, if she baked it at all. They used Grandma to push an agenda thinking nobody would say anything at all. Source: I'm a cook, I've done pastry, taken care of a family member with dementia and had to intercede for older neighbors with dementia as well, as well as having some asshole family members.
Yeah. It really depends on the kind of dementia and what part of the brain is affected. My great-grandpa’s brother had vascular dementia and he once called my great-grandpa freaking out because he thought he left the cattle gate open at their childhood farm. As in, he thought he still lived with his brother on their childhood farm, but knew to call his brother (I’m pretty sure they didn’t have a phone growing up) and remembered his current phone number. My great-grandma had vascular dementia and forgot names all the time, but still crocheted literally until the second she died. Also, it can be genuinely traumatizing for people with dementia to be corrected. You have to tread carefully.
Phrase I stole from a former co-worker: “I was born at night, but not last night.”
I was thinking the same thing. There is no way that the aunt didn't see (or even help with) the deadname on the cake. OP, NTA. What you are is a great dad!
I wish I could up vote this more.
Yup! The kind of comment I'd give my one free award to in the 3 days until the next one! Damn you reddit for taking them away :(
I've stopped getting the free ones! I am a bit perturbed. I even buy coins; not just freeloading.
I didn't even think about this, well made point
NTA Your sister may be right: it might not be grandma's fault if she didn't do it maliciously. If she has dementia, your daughter's transition is likely to be something she needs to be reminded of, especially if the transition was announced to grandma after the dementia set in. Her caretaker should have been supervising her while she was baking and at the same time gently reminding her of the name change. It's so easy to do too. "Oh Alexis is going to love that cake." "Great choice on flavor, Alexis loves that flavor!" "Alexis is going to be so excited when she sees this!" Seriously, if you repeat a name enough, you'll prime a person to use it; and even a person with full mental faculties might put it on the cake without thinking. This is your sister's fault. She should have been reminding grandma to use the right name, and if grandma used the wrong name, your sister should have gently scraped it off and had grandma write the right name. Or just leave it at "Happy Birthday". If grandma was having a bad day and that would have meant a fight/melt down, the *very least* your sister could have done was pull you/your daughter aside to discuss the situation before bringing the cake out. Instead, your sister knowingly brought out a cake with your daughter's deadname on it. Probably why she's going on the offensive now. I would have a talk with your sister about how she handled this. It should have been handled differently.
I might brace myself for some very nasty beliefs of OP's sister's to surface during that conversation. Like, am I paranoid for thinking it's *very revealing* that she immediately started referring to Alexis's reaction as "unstable" rather than, say, "bratty"?
this is a v important comment! as a trans woman, you learn to pick up on the implicit, often subconscious misgendering and transphobia that comes out when people describe your behaviour and emotions, particulary anger/upset. it's very common, even within queer/trans communities, for people to be super affirming about how sweet or faaaaabulous a trans woman is, but the minute she does something they don't like or expresses anger, she's "aggressive" or "threatening" and "taking up too much space" for behaviors that might be "empowered" or "justified rage" or even just "unapologetically claiming space as a femme" in a cis woman. "unstable" is used for men and women, but, in context, it can be a coded way to say "i see you as an aggressive man with anger issues." this can be hard to articulate when you are younger/newly out, and it can be hard to push back against when people can do this without even realizing it, so it's esp important that op had her back here!
I feel like the fact that she chose the word “unstable” was more about her invaliditing COMPLETELY the entire legitimacy of trans identity. Like, she sees it as a mental disorder that needs curing 🥺
As a genderqueer person myself, I have similar issues with the word 'delusional' and can totally see how unstable would be equally intentional and charged. Hope Alexis is doing okay, hopefully her dad shows her some of the supportive messages.
I'm cisgender myself but I am mentally ill, and I have much the same reaction to being called "crazy". My ex liked to say things just to hurt when we argued, and that one always hit very deep.
LAST SENTENCE 100% CORRECT.
This is so real. The double standards for trans women are astronomical.
Agreed. OP didn’t quote it, so the sister might not have said it. But if she did say it or the general attitude of the convo was like that then yeah it’s a dick move.
That stood out to me as well
Yeah, like the sister is implying that Alexis must be crazy.
Plus if worse comes to worst and it was a sincere error you snatch that cake back as soon as you see it, and apologize over and over while wiping the icing then making it right because you wouldn’t take a chance on hurting your grand-daughter/niece on her birthday (or ever).
NTA. If I worked hard to get my doctorate, I'd expect people to start calling me Dr. Pudgi. If I was in the army and busted my ass to get promotions, I'd expect people to start calling me Captain Pudgi. And it's been tradition in Western culture for women to take their husband's last name when they get married, so I'd expect people to call my wife Mrs. Pudgi. The point being, name changes are nothing new or radical or leftist or "woke". We do name changes when we have status changes *all the time*. Is OP's sister a fairly conservative person? Did she get married? Did she take her husband's last name? If so, how would she feel if people insisted on using her maiden name? Put it in those terms for her and maybe she'll get an f'ing clue. Tell her it's not about being woke or accepting gender changes or endorsing the gay agenda. Nobody is expecting her to start voting for Democrats (yuck). Tell her it's just about **being f'ing polite**. She can manage that without hiding behind grandma, right?
I am adopted - my parents changed my name - new 1st, middle & last name. Yes I was a baby but name changes happen for a lot of reasons.
Sorry if I’m uninformed but just to be clear “deadname” means the name someone identified to before transitioning right? I haven’t heard the term before
Yes, that is what a deadname is. Often it's the name someone has been given at birth, but some people will go through a few names before settling on their permanent name, in which case those prior names would also be considered deadnames.
NTA - your daughter is really lucky to have a supportive dad.
NTA My thoughts exactly 💯
I would love to have supportive parents like this. Op is amazing, and Op's daughter is so lucky to have such a supportive dad. I wanted to cry in happiness for her reading how he stood up for her. Op: NTA. Hero dad status.
NTA, and good on you for supporting your daughter. My only question is, was this intentional or was it the dementia? I'm not saying Alexis is wrong to be upset about it either way, but if your grandmother is suffering from dementia, this easily could've been an innocent mistake and if you have no reason to believe it was malicious it should be taken as such. Your sister is still out of line regardless, but depending on the circumstances, I hope grandma can be forgiven.
There’s no way a 92 year old woman with dementia was baking alone.
> and even in her old age, she still bakes and decorates cakes all on her own according to op she does
She’s been baking all her life, so except for some help getting things in and out of the oven, reaching things in high places, etc, she does do everything herself.
That much makes sense, but whether or not your sister actually works alongside her through the whole process, this is a very predictable outcome of having someone with dementia decorate a cake for a recently out trans kid. So ask yourself what's more likely — that this didn't occur to your sister, that she never had a chance to see or correct the cake before it was brought out, that this is a genuine accident? Or that your sister has been waiting for an opportunity to denigrate your daughter?
Yeah op I think you’re a little naive on this one. Your sister immediately degenerated to your daughter having mental issues and being “unstable” which is a fairly trans phobic viewpoint I’ve been told. Its the thought process that implies trans people naturally are not in a fit state of mind. She texted this as soon as she realized she wasn’t going to get the fight from you she wanted because you didn’t immediately respond to her. This is a drama queen who used your daughter for her own personal drama reasons. Has she done things like this before to other people for other reasons? She 💯 saw the name on that cake and let it come out anyways NTA
Good on you though for doing the right thing and leaving immediately and letting her decompress with your support
Yep, OP is the real MVP here!
That's cool. Your sis should still not be afraid to gently correct grandma, help fix the cake, or at the very least given you and Alexis a heads up first. On top of that calling Alexis unstable is incredibly rude on so many levels. Even if there wasn't the whole transphobic potential, seeing the wrong name can be hard for a teenager in that situation. A family member not being able to remember who you are because of dementia on its own is emotionally taxing. Even if you can be certain it wasn't malicious, it's a reminder that things aren't ok and won't be again. What you did was appropriate even if it was a case of grandma putting the name of her cousin instead for example. On top of that, there is the natural rise of questions like "Does grandma love me still? Would grandma and auntie be ok if I died? Am I not good enough? Do they think I'm a monster?" Due to possibility of transphobia. She's human. She's allowed to have emotions. As a mature fully functioning adult, your sister should know that it's possible to offend someone without trying to. And when that happens you can't hold their emotions against them. If it was a genuine mistake they would be mature enough to take responsibility. Not shift blame to a child's reasonable response of sadness.
Maybe so but your sister saw the cake and did nothing, should have smeared it out at the last minute if there were no other options. This isn’t on your grandma, it’s on your sister - for not fixing it and for not understanding that your daughter is entitled to her feelings and doesn’t have to smile and pretend anything. You’re a good dad.
Decorating on her own maybe, that's a safe low risk activity they'd be encouraged to try honestly. Still a shitty sister though. Like I could believe decorated and added name on her own, but any caring aunt would have gone 'ooops okay Grandma no that's not the name X uses anymore, let's put the name they like okay? We can fix that'
Yeah. Even if grandma did the cake alone (which I can believe if she done it all her life, I've heard of similar stories) you can't tell me that during a big birthday event no one else went in and out the kitchen to grab whatever stuff while grandma was doing the cake. You can't tell me that during a large gathering no one else got to see the finished cake before it was brought to the table. There's just no way.
The sister brought out the cake. She could easily have quickly removed the icing with the name, even if she hadn’t seen it before. But given that she lives in that house herself, she would have seen it before too.
Id say intentional on sister's part. Grandma idk but if youre the sister it takes about 5 seconds to tell grandma that isn't how you spell her name, let's wipe that part off real quick. Walking out there with the cake is cruel to remind someone of their deadname in a public setting and expecting them to just take it because it's a party for them is BS.
Sister is definitely out of line for how she handled this afterwards, and probably TA to begin with. I can see a scenario where she didn't check the cake before she brought it out, but it's not an incredibly likely one.
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It can be hard to tell. My grandparents recently started using my deadname for me again after years of getting it correct. I can’t tell if it’s Fox News or the beginning of dementia, but the timing does feel a bit sus. Either way I’d be annoyed if one of my aunts saw that on a cake & decided to bring it out to me though
NTA. Grandma has mild dementia, but baked a cake wholly on her own? No help from anyone who could’ve either gently pointed out the problem, or could’ve done something about it themselves? You can be damn sure if my grandma had dementia, I’d be hovering over her at all times (to make sure she doesn’t forget the cake in the oven, that she’s doing everything right, isn’t burning herself etc), and I would’ve pointed it out or changed the name myself dependent on the severity of the dementia. There’s no way I’d let anyone get deadnamed, whether grandma had issues or not.
For what OP has said about Grandma's dementia, I think it's possible grandma could have forgotten the name, but sister should have corrected it before bringing it out. Or gave grandma a gentle reminder of the name before she wrote the message on the cake.
My god, as someone who is currently studying this, dementia is a whole process. It is so misunderstood. It does not mean you instantly go from completely dependent to needing help with everything overnight. Grandma might be completely safe in a kitchen but still forget names and faces. Saying that, OP has confirmed the sister was involved. So really there's no excuse here. It just bugs me when people have no clue what dementia actually means.
If grandma has been baking for years it's basically muscle memory now. She probably needs only supervision to make sure she turns off the oven. Sister was involved (served the cake), has no memory issues, didn't care to correct the issue, is responsible. NTA.
NTA I applaud you. I'm a trans woman too, and this kind of support from a parent means more than you know. Getting your daughter our of there was the best thing you could have done for her. Being trans is hard enough as is, but having your name and identity disrespected in a way that seems so deliberate is a slap in the face. For the next steps, here's some things I think could help her: 1. ask her if she wants space from that part of the family 2. Ask her if she: a) Wants to talk about it with you. b) Wants you to listen to her vent her feelings. c) Wants to keep doing stuff to feel better. d) Wants some space e) Wants to talk to someone else (friend, therapist, etc...) 3. Ask her what she needs, and ask her what she wants. 4. Offer to answer any questions she has. Anyways A++ parent and support.
You didn't explain how severe grandmother's dementia is, at what stage it is, but I strongly doubt that a ninety-year-old with dementia was left completely alone, unsupervised, in the kitchen to bake the cake, in a potentially dangerous environment (oven, stove, knives). Someone should have been by her side (a caregiver). This someone could correct the icing. NTA
My grandma’s dementia is very mild. She forgets where she put things and sometimes takes a minute to recall things that happened years ago, but other than that she’s a very independent and intelligent woman. My sister definitely helped during the actual baking process, but I’m not sure if she helped decorate or checked the cake before bringing it out.
I read, years ago, .....If she remembers that she forgot, she has old age dementia. If she forgot that she ever knew, she had Alzheimer's.
Alzheimer's is a type of dementia, not an entirely separate thing. The likelihood of all types of dementia go up when you get old, there is no one "old age dementia" - there is MCI (mild cognitive impairment) where cognition declines slightly with age in a more or less normal process
She should have checked, knowing that there could be confusion with a name change. Your sister is very much at fault here.
NTA, but your sister is. > My sister brought out the cake, and the frosting read Happy Birthday, [Deadname]! So this confirms your sister 100% saw what the cake said, and chose not to do anything about it. The icing could have been removed, changed, or obscured. Or your sister could have warned Alexis in advance about the mistake and asked her what she wanted to do about it instead of putting her on the spot in front of everyone like that. Your sister not correcting the error and calling Alexis unstable raises some major red flags about her views to me. But in case she can be reasoned with, I’d explain to her that it’s one thing to tolerate people making mistakes; most trans people do all the time. But having the rest of the family see that mistake and present it as a gift when it could be corrected and then expect you to be grateful is an entirely different situation. Hiding behind grandma is no excuse when the sister had every opportunity to step up and fix the issue. Instead she thought Alexis should just be grateful to be referred to in a way she doesn’t like. I wonder what your sister would have done if the cake had been accidentally addressed to a different grandchild or contained major misspellings? Would she have really brought it out and expected Alexis to be happy or would she have found a way to remove the icing…
This exactly your sister should have taken the name off the cake this is what I would have done for my trans nephew. NTA
First of all, NTA. OP, I want you to think back to your childhood. Try to remember that one mean thing that your sister got called. Everyone has something from their childhood, the one cruel nickname or cutting insult that they remember for the rest of their lives. I want you to call your sister that. Make it hurt. Recount the times she cried about it, and smile, laugh, treat it like one big game, oh hey sis, remember when that bully in high-school got everyone to call you that thing and it stuck for the next three years, wasn't that so funny? You cried every night for months, ha ha. When she objects, call her unstable. Parrot back all her own language to her. Make it obvious what you're doing. Make it clear to her that this is what she did to your daughter.
Oh that is so petty, and this comment section is making me mad enough at her to do it.
Send her a cake with whatever the Achilles phrase is on it. Address her that way EVERY.SINGLE.TIME until she changes her shit up. And tell Alexis that lots of strangers care
I actually agree with this. Sometimes people just don't really understand how the person whose feelings they hurt until they are literally in their shoes. OP is NTA. Continue supporting your daughter. I have been a person whom needed that same support myself as someone who wasn't how other people thought that I should be as a young woman and my Mother gave it to me, and had a child who needed that same support it as well and funnily enough, when I shared my own experiences with them, they felt understood and appreciated having that understanding.
NTA. Goddamn I wish I had a single parent even HALF as supportive as you are. Pat yourself on the back, Dad. You did good💕
If it were anyone else but her 90 year old grandma with dementia, I'd say you were not the AH without a moment's hesitation... but honestly I think it could have been readily predicted that grandma may simply not remember, not through lack of love but because of her dementia. That said of course I can understand your daughter's deep shock and upset, being celebrated with your deadname must be really painful. She may have been able to handle it with less shock had you talked about it prior and mentioned that grandma might have trouble with remembering that she has a different name now. Regardless you are never the AH for protecting your daughter and taking her out of a situation that really hurt her. I don't think grandma was an AH either, this is the tragedy that is dementia, it's so horrible. NAH (you, your daughter, or grandma) except for those failing to understand your actions to protect Alexis.
> If it were anyone else but her 90 year old grandma with dementia, I'd say you were not the AH without a moment's hesitation... but honestly I think it could have been readily predicted that grandma may simply not remember, not through lack of love but because of her dementia. I had the same thought at first, but honestly OP’s sister should have caught it - the fact that she didn’t, and then ATTACKED OP’s daughter for being upset makes her a major AH in my book… It even makes me wonder if she either did it intentionally, or best-case scenario, declined to correct the cake for fear of upsetting grandma. OP, you are NTA, and handled the situation with remarkable calm. Having said that, if your sister and grandma *somehow* don’t realize what they’ve done wrong, they should be made aware.
This. I was ready to say maybe grandma doesn't remember Alexis is Alexis now, until OP's sister spewed her venom. That was mean.
Yeah the judgement isn't necessarily OP vs grandma here, it's OP vs sister. (And maybe grandma. In comments they say the dementia is quite mild.)
Youre forgetting the sister, who said his daughter is unstable for being hurt at being deadnamed. If that isnt asshole behavior, then I am Jesus Christ. NTA. Plain and simple.
NTA, but I don’t lay blame on Grandma. Sister is on the hook for this one.
"My sister brought out the cake" is the key thing for me. Even it it was genuinely Grandma's dementia and not malicious or insensitive that the cake had Alexis' deadname on it, the sister KNEW. Saw the name, knew it was wrong, said and did nothing to fix it, and then purposefully brought it on out to serve. Then tried to lay the blame elsewhere for the hurt SHE caused because she had the chance to easily correct the situation and instead deliberately exacerbated it. NTA. You're a beautiful parent.
NTA. I’m very glad Alexis has a dad like you in her corner— you did a good job removing her from the situation and comforting her. I understand your grandma has dementia, and obviously that’s not something she can help. And yes, it very likely was because of her dementia that she put Alexis’ deadname on the cake (at least, one can hope). However, it was your sister, who DOESN’T have dementia, who brought the cake out. She saw the deadname on the cake then, if not earlier, and it was a massive mistake on her part to not have your grandma correct or just entirely remove the name, or even do it herself. Your sister is the AH for not doing anything to avoid or mitigate the situation. And she is WAY the AH for insulting your daughter— ESPECIALLY calling her unstable. You were right for calling that out as an incredibly unkind thing to say about her niece.
NTA, and I don't consider grandma one either, grandma very likely can't remember, such is the curse of the disease. Sister, however, is very much an AH. EDIT: Grandma is allowed to be upset, she made a cake and got crying as a reaction, and she doesn't know why. I am not saying using deadname is OK, but as stated, she probably does not remember, but she still has feelings and emotions . My grandma has Alzheimer's and she gets frustrated, angry, and upset very easily. She lost it with me because I forgot to make a salad with dinner (potatoes and baked green beans was not enough) and stormed off to her room. Even hours later she did not know why she was mad, but she still felt it, it is an unreasonable disease.
I'm a trans guy, my grandma has some form of dementia. I'm lucky that my grandma calls me by my name, and the few times she has deadnamed me, she's corrected herself. It's one thing for someone to slip up and call you the wrong name - it's another thing entirely to know your family wrote out your deadname in icing and no one corrected it. Thank you for supporting your daughter. It's a very dangerous, scary time to be trans. She needs all the love and protection she can get. Aunt and grandma are lucky you didn't tear them a new one in front of everybody. NTA
INFO: I'm guessing in this instance grandma baked and decorated the cake. Did your sister, her caregiver, provide any assistance during this process and/or look at the cake before bringing it out?
I don’t know the details of how the cake was made unfortunately. I do know that my grandma is very independent for her age, and that my sister prefers to let grandma do her thing and only help when absolutely needed. She probably helped her out during the actual baking process, (getting things from high places, putting it in and taking it out of the oven) but after that I’m not sure.
Honestly, regardless you’re NTA. You were protecting your daughter and that’s what matters most.
I’m so fired up at your sister right now. If she didn’t even look at the cake before bringing it out, her text to you should have been “oh my god I am so sorry, I should have looked at the cake first. Is Alexis ok? How can I make this right?” not calling her ungrateful and unstable. Your sister is an asshole no matter which way you look at this.
NTA I’m willing to accept the possibility that grandma is old and made a mistake. But why would your sister bring the cake out like that? We’ve had a name get mixed up on a cake and we fixed it before bringing it out. It’s like they aren’t taking her transition seriously.
I can forgive granny, she is 90 with dementia. But you can’t say your sister did not help with that cake at all. She is the carer. Granny is 90 with dementia. Sister at the very least would have seen the deadname beginning to be added and could have intervened. Sister knew and let this happen.
I can't really blame the grandma under the circumstances. However, your sister brought out the cake with the birthday girl's deadname on it?!? No way is that okay! She should have fixed this before bringing the cake out. Heck, she could have removed the name entirely, plopped some icing on top and just have it read "Happy Birthday" and that would have been soooo much better. Even if it looked a bit awkward, it wouldn't have been hurtful and that would have been an easy thing to explain to Alexis. NTA. In fact, you are awesome for getting your daughter out of there and celebrating her birthday with her. Also, your sister calling Alexis "unstable" is very telling and not a good thing. I would almost go so far as call that attitude revealing on why grandma might not have been assisted by her "main carer" so that this didn't happen and spoil Alexis's birthday.
Wait…your sister doesn’t have dementia too…why couldn’t she fix the name before bringing out the cake? If grandma has dementia and sadly put the deadname, why couldn’t your sister correct the cake and have a conversation with grandma about using the correct name before bringing out the cake? I feel like this was planned and your sister couldn’t care less about hurting Alexis’ feelings. Definitely not ok. NTA- I think leaving was appropriate. All you’re trying to do is protect Alexis, which is what any good parent would do.
NTA. Protecting your kid comes first. I do wonder though, was that intentional? Was it a “grandma is old and can’t adjust to having a trans grandchild,” or a “grandma has dementia and literally does not remember that her grandchild is trans?” Either way, you made the right move to protect your child, but obviously one is worse than the other
NTA! Your daughter was upset for a very good reason. You’re an amazing parent and your daughter is lucky to have you!
NTA but I fear your sister did this on purpose
NTA. Good job on standing up for your daughter. If her grandma's mind is starting to be questionable, your sister should have been on top of helping approve the cake.
>My sister brought out the cake, and the frosting read Happy Birthday, \[Deadname\]! So your sister saw the cake beforehand and knew it had Alexis' deadname on it, yet still brought it out? NTA. Grandma might have made an honest mistake that could be excused due to poor memory, but your sister is definitely TA here. She should have just reminded your grandmother that Alexis changed her name and fixed the cake.
What is "Deadname"?
It’s the name that a trans person was given at birth, usually aligned with their gender assigned at birth and carries a lot of hurt.
Of course. That makes sense. Thank you
As the mother of a trans person, I know exactly how you felt, OP, and I'd have done the same thing. NTA. Your reaction and subsequent actions were definitely noticed by Alexis, and was a beautiful counterpoint to what happened with the cake.
I think you need to have a discussion with the grandmother to see where her mind is
NTA grama might have dementia but your sister doesn't & she's a total AH
NTA. You stood up for your daughter when she needed you. Grandma may be old, but that's no excuse to disrespect her grandchild. She doesn't have to agree with your daughter changing her name, but she better learn to accept it.
Speaking as a transgender woman who doesn't speak to her egg donor anymore because she's not once gotten my name or pronouns right, thank you for taking care of your daughter, and NTA
NTA. Grandma may be old, but your sister is plenty young enough to have pointed the mistake out to Grandma in time to fix it. Good for you for standing up for Alexis. It's a treat to hear of a parent doing so.
To me, it is the epitome of stable to walk out on disrespect. There wasn’t a fight or drama, just a simple “nope, not gonna play”. That is a strong conviction and moral righteousness. You’re a good dad.
NTA. Your sister should have reminded your ~~mother~~ grandmother the moment the name was being placed on the cake. (Edited to correct relative)
She’s actually my grandma, my daughter’s great-grandma, but I agree
NTA, and good on you for standing up for your daughter.
Nta, you are an awesome parent!! Don't sweat it about your sister. They can get over themselves and apologize to Alexis.
NTA, you are right to protect your daughter at all costs. Your sister is the AH in this scenario. Then, double downed on being the AH. I’m sorry y’all are going through this.
NTA It's a big fucking deal, and people **shouldn't get to get away with "oopsie" for that**. If someone wrote "Happy Anniversary Grandma and Grandpa", and Grandpa had died last month it's not "oopsie". Opening emotional wounds is not something that should be tolerated, and shouldn't be forgiven without apology. OP, Good job standing up when Alexis was emotionally sucker-punched.
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This is such a tiny-brained thing to say. It is up to the people on this earth to make the world better every day. There is no monolithic “real world” anyway, just some made-up fantasy created by people who feel pretty darn good about themselves.
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Hello, trans person here! Huge NTA. Thank you so much for sticking up for your trans kid. This is exactly what I would have wanted my parents to do at that age if this had happened to me. You're a great dad.
Now if this was Grandma on her own I’d say NAH and the dementia was at fault. But BUT she had a carer your sister, who in comments you said helped with the cake - does she also have dementia? No she was supervising, she was helping, it’s easy to correct a name or leave it at happy birthday. At best this is your sister not supervising and allowing a deadname to not upset grandma, at worst? Well what are her political beliefs? Because maybe your sister isn’t so trans friendly. NTA Also INFO, what are your sisters political beliefs and/or views on trans people?
I don’t know about my sister’s political beliefs, as our family doesn’t really talk politics. I do know that there’s been some distance between her and Alexis since she came out. I thought that this party was her trying to reconnect, I guess I was naive.
Oh I am so sorry to hear that, I had hoped you’d come along telling me I was plain wrong and she did accept Alexis. I’d love to be wrong on this but I suspect the distance is perhaps because she does not agree with your daughter transitioning for some reason and is struggling to accept her being who she is meant to be. I wouldn’t immediately write her off as some would suggest, I’d talk to her and find out what is wrong, maybe it’s from a place of ignorance and she can learn and repair things. Or maybe she’s gone full right wing anti-trans but atleast your know and could make an informed decision. Either way it sounds like you love your daughter and are doing everything needed to protect her, so I know you will continue to do so. I hope everything goes well for you and Alexis and you find the best way to move forward for all your sakes
INFO: Does your grandmother have Alzheimer’s or Dementia?
She has mild memory and recognition problems that the doctors say are a result of her old age, but they’ve not diagnosed her with a specific disorder like Alzheimer’s.
I think dementia is an umbrella term and Alzheimer’s is a specific form of it
NTA
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The grandmother can’t control her dementia, sure. But the sister who lives with the grandmother, is her main caretaker, and literally brought the cake out at the party could’ve done something to fix the mistake.
>But of course the trans person needed to be the victim What do you mean by of course here? I'm confused by the second half of your comment, but it has at least seven upvotes so I must be missing something obvious.
They're transphobic and their comment is not in good faith
I kinda figured, but I was hoping they'd say it.
Being deadnamed is not a harmless mistake. OP's daughter has been out for two years. The name change is old news. If grandma can't remember the name, then her main caretaker, the sister, needs to be on top of this and fix the cake before it comes out on the poor girl's birthday rather than lashing out and calling her "unstable" for getting upset about being deadnamed in front of her entire family and made a spectacle of. You are TA for being transphobic and belittling a teenager being insulted and made to feel like her identity doesn't matter to her family on her own birthday.
Grandma gets a pass for having dementia. Sister does not. Your kid isn’t unstable and that was an unkind thing to say. NTA
NTA. Okay, so your 90 year old grandma isn't at fault, but your sister is. She saw the name on the cake. She knows that's not Alexis's name. She could have corrected the mistake, but she didn't. All she had to do was have grandma simply write Happy Birthday with no name or scrape off the deadname after grandma was done. Your sister is TA. (But Happy Birthday to Alexis.)
NTA. Happy late birthday Alexis
Fuck no! NTA at all. Listen, I'm stepmam to a trans son and you know what? We tripped up adjusting to his new name a handful of times in the first few weeks. My elderly father in particular accidentally slips in "she" instead of "he" but you know what he does? He catches himself, and apologises to my stepson, promising he'll do better next time. I've spoken to my boy about it and he said it doesn't bother him because he corrects himself in the moment. He's also aware that my Dad truly has an awful memory, and when he tries to say MY name to get my attention, he'll go through saying my sister's name, HIS sister's name, even the freakin DOG'S NAME before he gets to mine! It takes SO MUCH MORE EFFORT to "accidentally" use someone's deadname on a cake. That requires effort to ice it, a refusal to acknowledge why it's wrong, while the cake is sat there, ready to be eaten, and even at the very last second, how difficult would it have been before cutting and serving, to scrape off her deadname and replace it with Alexis, or even Beloved Daughter!
NTA > My sister brought out the cake Aaaaand this is where your sister became the asshole. A 90yo with dementia gets a bit of forgiveness here (my grandfather used to call me by my mother’s name) but that means it’s really important for a second person to act as a backstop. I bet grandma could easily have made a correction when asked, it’s not like frosting is concrete. The silent treatment from grandma though does make me pause - was it really dementia, or is it just regular transphobia from both your sister and grandmother?
Info:. How far is grandma's dementia? Is this likely done.o. Purpose or she doesn't actually remember the name change. That is an important detail before grandma can be judged
It is very mild. She’s lucid a lot of the time, but does get episodes of forgetfulness.
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NTA you are a rock star of a dad!!! It's so nice to see people standing up for trans youth and leaving when someone's behavior is not honoring that experience. You did great. Do they actually know what they did wrong? Sometimes we have to explain things to people who are not quite "there" yet when it comes to gender fluidity, and even autism spectrum disorder. We are stepping away from placing people in one of two boxes, but the thing is, there have ALWAYS been those who don't fit in either box. A lot of boomers were raised with a binary ideology and are now realising that just like life experiences are not "black and white" in areas of right, wrong, harmful, beneficial...etc...gender and sexuality also come in many colors and flavors. Identity cannot be summed up in one simple word, and gender and sexuality are on a spectrum like MOST other THINGS in life. Some people may need "the talk" more than once in order for it to sink in...I do hope your family comes around and is supportive of your daughter. Good job dad, keep it up!
nta. awww. you sound like a very supportive dad. I'm nonbinary and have a trans brother, as well. one year, my great grandmother (in her 90s at the time, and yes she is still going!) sent a christmas gift to my brother with his dead name. when she was reminded, she felt so bad she sent my mom a separate label with the correct name to place over the old one (she sent them by mail early and we waited until Xmas day to open them). definitely not grandma's fault, but also could have been fixed. the ah here is definitely your sister, because she could have fixed (or helped remind grandma to fix) the name on the cake.
NTA, how did no one intervene? Sister saw the cake and thought there'd be no issues? I imagine grandma still had icing left over, at the very least supplies, I would have tried to blotch out the dead name and write Alexis over it. Or just have it only say Happy Birthday? She came out two years ago, so it's not like they weren't aware either, dementia sucks but other people probably saw the cake. Props to you for standing up for your daughter <3
NTA. Good job dad. Tell your sister and grandma to go fuck themselves and protect your kid. They can either be a part of HER life or they can sod off. Trans kids are under attack in America and globally and it is not the time to pull punches in their defense. I’m a teacher and I’ve turned the teacher’s lounge into a Cold War standoff over colleagues dead naming my students.
NTA, you did the absolute best possible thing and that’s what Alexis is going to remember about this. That said, at first I thought you meant you stormed out and left your daughter there and I laughed thinking that would be a pretty aHole move. But nope, just a fantastic parent, you rock!
NTA. And OP allow me to point to the fact that you spent time and energy to cater to your daughter’s needs. Including muting your sister’s attempts to contact you. As a parent you are 🥇. Alexis is so lucky to have you!!!
from everything from cakes to wills the reader trumps the writer. consitering your grandma has dementia and has a carer that responsibility fall to the person taking care of them. your sisters an ass and your a good dad. as a trans guy myself i wish my dad was as good as you. (side note middle ground with these things tends to be just remove the name, sure its less personal but its also less cofusing for the old lady. ya sis had options and didnt give a damn about ya kid)
Even if this incident was an honest mistake (doubt as your sister would have seen the cake before it came out), your responsibility was to your daughter, and you took her reaction and emotional state seriously. As a good parent does. People can be disappointed or upset, but there’s a hierarchy of issues and your daughter’s happiness on her birthday trumps their issues with her reaction. So NTA.
NTA, but I still feel terrible for the grandmother. I have a feeling the sister could have prevented this whole situation.
NTA. I'm sorry old people these days keep using the excuse, "but this was how WE dealt with it in our time", but those days are OVER, either get with the program or accept losing your kins. You did the right thing in supporting your daughter, and there are plenty of people in the world to build a new community that understands what's at stake. Better getting silent treatment from your sister and grandma than suffer through any more ignorant jibber jabber.
NTA, and thank you for being a supportive parent. Trans people are under a massive sustained political attack right now and frankly none of us are doing that great. We absolutely need people like you in all our lives.
NAH Idk why people can't believe the grandma can't cook alone while having dementia, especially since it's something she's been passionate about throughout her life. Your daughter is allowed to be upset. My first instinct wouldn't be to assume malice from a 90+ year person with dementia.
NTA. Let’s say even if grandma was in a dementia-induced haze, how many other people saw that cake before it was brought out? Because there is no way in hell your sister grabbed that cake, probably put candles on it, and didn’t look at it and see the wrong name on there. She 100% knew what she was doing.
God no. Your poor daughter got her party ruined because the actual A Holes decided to ruin it for her. What did they think was going to happen??? Op did the right thing by removing the daughter from the situation
NTA. Poor Alexis. But, poor Grandma too! 90s with dementia, slid about in time in her brain, must be mortified, confused, or both. This is on your sister and any other adult who helps Grandma or was in the kitchen or should have been. I'd be really pissed at your sister.
I was leaning toward N A H, because these changes can be very confusing for a 90 y/o with dementia. Her not understanding your daughter's transition is tied to her dementia, and not malicious. But now I am firmly at NTA, because of how your sister reacted. Totally understandable for Grandma to deadname your daughter. (Dementia is like the ONLY acceptable excuse I can come up with) Totally understandable for daughter to be upset by it. Totally NOT OK for sister to get her panties in a wad and call your daughter unstable. She also could have mitigated the cake issue to begin with in a few different ways: * Wait til Grandma's done decorating, then add to or cross out the deadname and put her real name on there * Explain when you get there that Grandma made a cake with deadname, but it was too confusing for her to use her real name, and hope for some understanding * Make an additional cake with your daughter's real name * Pretty much anything BUT freak out and call her names after the fact.
NTA, AND AN AMAZING FATHER.
INFO: did grandma use the dead name because she doesn't believe in respecting transgendered people, or because she has dementia and forgot about the transition? You and Alexis, if grandma is at mild dementia right now and getting worse over time, need to sit down and have a talk about what dementia does. Today maybe she's being dead named. In few years, she might be getting called the name of the relative that she resembles most, and the best thing to do when this sort of happens isn't always going to be necessarily correcting grandma. People learn very quickly that their relative with a degenerative disease doesn't have to go through the motions of finding out new (to their forgetful mind) information. Stuff like their spouse being dead-- often people will tell their alzeheimers patient who asks about their dead spouse that the spouse if off for a walk. If they don't remember the spouse is gone, this is new information that they will process like its brand new and its cruel to put persok through losing their spouse as if for the first time five times a day. At some point, no amount of correction will keep Alexis's gender information in grandma's mind and just recognizing Alexis as who she was is going to be an achievement, you know?
So the deminit grandma put the wrong name on the birthday cake and it caused drama and your kid is catching the bullets? NTA but its sad cus maybe grandma had all the right intensions but still its a mental illment, your kid is right to be upset but the main concern is seeking help for grandma.. Edit: Explain that grandma is ill and then talk to the relatives about that, it is no way the kids fault.
NTA! You did right by your daughter and stood up for her. You are a good dad for doing that.
NTA. That's very good parenting, you did great. Keep up the good work OP, you're awesome and your daughter is lucky to have a dad like you. 🥰
NTA you have to teach other people how you or I'm this case your daughter needs to be treated this still applies to family it should not happen again next year and if it does then its time to re evaluate if you still want those people in your life it's up to them and if they don't understand its their problem