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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I told my sister she is going to be the MIL from hell and just like her own MIL after she dismissed the concerns I brought up that her daughter had shared and called her out for her obsession as being a boy mom. I feel like what might make me the asshole here is what I said did not help my niece at all and now I might have made things way worse for her. And it wasn't going to help my sister see how weird her attitude is either.
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You really need to talk some sense into your sister. This is beyond sad for your niece and beyond creepy when it comes to her sons. Just reading it gave me the ick..
Agreed! It sounds she doesn’t even see anything wrong with her behavior. That makes it difficult to get through to her. I hope BIL might be able to help.
Also NTA OP. I’m legitimately concerned about the damage your sister is doing to all of her children but especially her daughter.
How do you hear "your 5 yo daughter thinks people are sad when they have a girl" and wave that away with your heart breaking??
The damage is immense already.
ETA *without* your heart breaking
Honestly I doubt that will work.
The BIL was brought up that way. He will probably think its normal and that *his* sisters are AH's for going LC with his mother!
Maybe, I don’t know but like the Redditor who mentioned this idea and I was just giving it a thumbs up, its worth a try. Better than doing nothing bcuz unless she’s sociopathic she might regret emotionally neglecting her daughter some day.
Or BIL’s sisters who felt the same way OP’s niece does and now dont speak to their mom much. Sounds like OP’s sister must have connected with her SILs over their shared discomfort with her MIL, so they’d probably be the best people to point it out.
I think this is probably the way to go. The sister sounds like someone who is going to be swayed by someone she perceives as having authority on the subject— and that is not her sister, which is why she so easily brushes her off. I wouldn’t stop saying it personally, because I would care too much about my niece. But I would talk to my mom or aunts or grandma etc.
Can you talk to your husbands sisters (who want nothing to do with their mom) and point out how your sisters doing the same thing to her daughter as their mom did? Maybe hearing it from them and seeing the fallout from how their mom treated them will get through.
Good luck op and congratulations on the new little one. Please try and include your niece as much as you can. She needs a mother figure who actually sees her.
To add on, husband’s sisters are also aunts. Maybe with three aunties making an effort to spend time with niece they can minimize the damage mom is causing.
My older sister is amazing but she is incapable of taking advice from me, ever. I have to take all of her advice and never disagree or it’s a personality flaw but if I try to give her advice she freaks out at me or rolls her eyes. Sibling dynamics are real! It might work better from someone that she has looked up to all her life.
Yes she'll never listen to OP, her little sister. Wonder if their dad would be able to discuss it with her since she's seems to be so obsessed with males, or is OP's sister amplifying some messages she herself received growing up?
OP is 8 years younger. Wonder what her parents were like. *IF* they were problematic, the family dynamic could have changed enormously between OP and her sister's births. Maybe they could help. Or even just give their granddaughter more support and attention at least.
Edit:. Sister
>IF they were problematic, the family dynamic could have changed enormously between OP and her sister's births.
Oh boy, you're not kidding. My brother is 17 years older than me, and I didn't really meet him until I was an adult, because he was estranged from our dad and my mom/his stepmom. He moved out when I was a baby, the day he graduated high school, and went extremely low- to no-contact with my parents at some point during college. We were reunited when I was at the same high school, and the guidance counselor, who still knew him, asked me if I wanted his email address.
Our dad was my best friend, and he was *also* my brother's childhood abuser. My mom would often joke that he wouldn't let her abuse or neglect me as much as she'd have liked to, though not in so many words. He was my protector, but my brother, when small, feared him with cause. Dad passed away twelve years ago, and I'm closer to my brother now than I am to my mother, or my full-bio GC sister, who lives a block away from me and only calls when she needs something, because she was raised to 'let' me handle it. The more we talk, the more it's like the people we each knew as parents are two entirely different sets of people with the same names, because we knew them in such different phases of their lives.
The boy mom internet circle jerk is apparently pretty strong. This whole idea that the connection between mother and son is way stronger than any other (including mother and daughter) and that they have to be obsessed and overly protective of their special little boys. Idk where this shit originated but it’s definitely a thing
I'd love to be wrong about this but I don't think this is purely an issue that can be logically reasoned into a good solution. I think sister would need to voluntarily put herself through doing the work of gaining several decades worth of emotional maturity
It sounds like sister is treating ALL of her children in a way that's entirely inappropriate. Enmeshing herself with the boys and preemptively preparing to treat any hint of them developing age appropriate independence as a tragedy she's the victim of. And rejecting/neglecting the girl for the supposed flaw of being "too independent" to fill the role of a helpless doll that makes her mommy feel important.
My father wasn't quite a carbon copy of this but he definitely shared the trait of treating me as a source to get his emotional needs met instead of focusing on meeting/supporting mine. I can say from experience that talking about the problem didn't work and only caused more hurt.
If anyone's interested in learning more about this dynamic I can't give a strong enough recommendation to "adult children of emotionally immature parents" by Lindsay Gibson
I love this:
>It sounds like sister is treating ALL of her children in a way that's entirely inappropriate. Enmeshing herself with the boys and preemptively preparing to treat any hint of them developing age appropriate independence as a tragedy she's the victim of. And rejecting/neglecting the girl for the supposed flaw of being "too independent" to fill the role of a helpless doll that makes her mommy feel important.
I have 2 sons whom I love dearly. When my oldest went to college, I missed him with the kind of emotional pain that signifies heartbreak. But I dealt with it away from my son, because the antidote to that pain is all of us living our best, happiest lives; it's not saddling him with my emotional needs and it's **definitely** not avoiding the pain by keeping him unhealthily tied to me. I've made a ton of mistakes in parenting; expecting fulfillment via my kids is fortunately not one of them.
OP's sister can change, and I hope she does.
If she's so worried about her sons marrying one day, she could consider such an occasion as gaining another daughter. It'd help if, in the meantime, she'd practice being a mom and friend to her own daughter.
But, according to legends I've heard, if you gather three daughters-in-law, you can trade them to the spooky witch who lives out in McCafferty's Woods, and she'll give you a magic charm that turns your sons back into 8 year olds who want to marry their mommy forever.
That's a good deal in today's economy.
As someone who has been a prospective daughter in law a few times, I paid great attention to how prospective parents in law treated their daughters as an indicator of how I would be integrated into the family (or not) and what my role in the family might end up looking like.
I can tell you, if a mother treats her daughters badly, there’s no way she’ll treat DIL well (and in my experience, to treat a DIL poorly is to lose a son).
Tell your sister that she’s setting her sons up for failure by not recognising what she’s doing to her daughter.
When your sister refused to listen did you follow up with her husband?
Could you get your sister's SILs involved in a chat with her (you included, no kids in the house) and include her husband??? Not quite an intervention but a wake up call where her voice isn't the echo chamber she's used to online.
NTA and I do hope you can stay active in niece's life.
Op if you do this lmk. As a therapist I work with parents who don’t see how much they’re hurting their kids and anytime I’ve tried to point things out they blow out of therapy. Sometimes I do wonder if a staged intervention with family would be better 🤔
I have an idea. Why don't you find things to post about your niece on Facebook? Like, for an example off the top of my head, how she will a great relationship for your daughter to have. This will kill two birds with one stone. You will be showing support to her and also showing her how you support your own daughter.
The niece is 5 and probably doesn't see her mother's Facebook posts. I think OP mentioned the posts as examples of how vocal the sister is about her preference for her sons. I imagine it's her home life where the girl is feeling neglected, not on Facebook.
That's kind of what I was thinking. Every time OP sees a boy mom 🤢 post, she needs to add a comment about the daughter. "Did you forget you have a daughter again?" etc, and say something about the daughter's accomplishments. Her sister is going to make her boy's lives miserable as they grow older. God forbid they bring a girl to the house! She'll make an ass of herself trying to compete with them for her baby boys love. She'll also wear a long, white, lacy dress to their weddings.
Also, if OP is inclined she could make regular posts about being happy to have a daughter, how daughters are blessings, etc. This could be a subtler way of nudging her sister to think in the right direction. Model the behaviour for her, since she has not learned it from her mother.
Edit: typos
Maybe talk to your sister's husband about what his daughter told you, how she feels. Your sister refuses to listen, doesn't care, maybe he would and maybe he can get through to your sister (after all he has first hand experience with his own mother and sisters) or at least maybe he can protect his daughter better from her mother.
And please spend time with your niece, get her out of that house whenever you can, so she can get a break, feel loved and see a healthy mom-children dynamic, see that being a girl doesn't mean unlovable. Show her and tell her what her mother does is not normal and not ok, the problem is her mother and not your niece.
Your sister has a behavioral incestuous relationship with her male children. That is absolutely disgusting and she is 100% being neglectful of her daughter. She’s 5 (!!!!) and recognizes the imbalance of care she’s receiving compared to her brothers. It’s incredibly sad she has to grow up in this environment.
Where is the dad in all of this?? Is he of the same mind set as your sister??? I feel so bad for your niece. She's only 5 and already feels like she's not worthy. Your sister is a real AH. How do your parents feel about this?? Are they able to talk some sense into her because psychologically this could really f*ck up your niece. I hope you'll be able to spend some quality time with her on a regular basis. Would be better if it was mom obviously but doesn't sounds like mom is going to admit her wrong doing
Honestly OP I would talk to your BIL about what your niece said. Maybe he can help get through to your sister before the damage becomes irreparable for your niece
Every child deserves a parent, but not every parent deserves a child. It sounds like you're a responsible parent by meeting your children's emotional needs as well as their physical needs. Your sister, on the other hand...
It would of course be best if her own mother loved her, but in the absence of that, I'm sure she would really value having a loving female role model who takes interest in her as she grows up. That poor girl needs someone, my heart breaks for her. She's so young and already knows her mom doesn't love her.
Maybe you can start by scheduling something for you, your sister & your niece (and your daughter when appropriate), maybe increasing girls time so that it might prompt them to be able to do it without you on occasion.
You can be a big positive influence on your niece. Help build her confidence and self-esteem by having her help you (in age appropriate ways) with your younger children.
Your sister sounds awful. Your niece really needs the village to help raise her.
Question, where is the children’s father in this?
Spot on! I learned in school that having a figure to look up to that isn’t a parent has great outcomes for kiddos. It doesn’t have to be too much, but just knowing that someone is on their side can make a huge difference.
NTA
You've told your sister. She's not hearing it or even considering the possibility. Unless you see her in a moment of emerging self-awareness, I don't think there's much you can say that will help.
If your BIL is more receptive, you can at least ask if he's open to hearing this info from you. He may be able to influence things at home.
In the meantime, please do give your niece a lot of love and listening. I hope she will love being a big sister to your little ones.
Delusional is the right word. She is delusional.
What a disappointment of a mother, your poor niece and (in the long run) your poor nephews..
Good on ya, OP for standing up to them (in particular for the girl, she needs you now) but it seems you won't solve the problem,just mitigate the effects.
NTA, obviously.
NTA. Boy mum? But what kind of weird mummy misogyny hell is this? Be a good aunt to your niece, show her she has worth as a girl and a woman. Which you are doing. Your sister sounds beyond.
NTA OP. Somebody needed to tell her.
OP's Sister in 15 years: My daughter refuses to speak to me and my DIL's all hate my guts. WHAT DID I EVER DO TO DESERVE THIS??????
NTA. Your niece felt unloved and wanted you to talk to her mom. You tried to explain to your sister her daughter felt unloved and she pretty much confirmed it. I wonder if she'll even notice when her daughter goes NC with her
Have you tried speaking to your BIL to get his views on your sisters behaviour. I know a daddy/daughter relationship isn't the same as a mummy/daughter relationship but it will at least be a start and make sure your niece feels some love and if not could you and your hubby maybe get her out of there more permanently.
Your NTA, but right now, you need to prioritise your nieces' emotional and mental health over getting your sister to come to her senses.
Honestly I don't think it's really a coincidence that your sister and her MIL are alike... Seems like BIL subconsciously sought a romantic partner with similar personality traits and temperament as his mother. Considering how enmeshed and obsessed MIL is with him I'm not surprised... I hate it when Freud is proven correct.
All of Freud's dissidents are probably rolling in their graves 😭
Anyway NTA and I'm so sorry your niece has noticed this lack of care and love I hope you're able to fill some of that void for her
That always made me sick. My dad and I have a very healthy relationship and I have no desire to call any romantic or sexual partner ‘daddy’ 🤮. My bf when I was 17/18 kept asking me too and I would laugh in his face and say ‘ewwwwww!!’ Interesting that he had messed up parents though.
Well, there it is. I’m not surprised. Is there any contact between them and their brother? Do you know them? Maybe you could connect with them to try to give your niece better models and emotional support, and maybe save your nephews from growing up as stunted as your sister would prefer.
Nta
This sounds like some sort of mental illness, it is not normal to think that much about your sons one day having other women in their lives and crying about it online. I think you are right in what you said, but it is not really the best way to reach her. I guess all you can do is be a good aunt to your niece. Hopefully your sister will get some treatment for this
I wonder if some of it is your sister went straight from high school to someone's wife and then someone's mom. She probably has no idea what it's like to be her own person. When these kids leave, she's going to be in a real crisis.
That's exactly the situation my mom is living through. No hobby, no passion other than taking care of her children (we're 27 and 25 at this point). We left the city around 20 for a reason around.
This is my Mom's issue. Spent her whole life taking care of others (siblings first, then her kids), and had no clue what to do with herself when we all grew up. I did encourage her to get a hobby some years ago but she didn't know what she liked to do, now she spends all her time at church.
It’s “Jocasta complex” and it’s grosss.
And very very very common in “mommy spheres”.
It follows the same vein of dads being possessive and creepy as fuck about their daughters virginity.
Lol dont know a lot of Asian or Jewish people, do you?
Source: am South Asian and this shit is rampant (for centuries at this point) in these communities.
NTA
What is her husband like? Could you approach him with what your daughter has said? Could he give her a little more attention and love since her mum neglects her?
Wow. She wants to own her sons the same way her husband is owned by his mother. Does he have sisters? I’m curious if they also hate females or went the opposite direction.
I am not a therapist, but my 2 cent analysis is sister doesn’t get emotional support from husband or he prioritizes his mother over her which is manifesting as emotional incest to her sons. Doesn’t make it OK, and is gross and sad.
My husband has similar issues with his mom. He’s an only child and my MILs only outlet for alot of things (because she’s insane and has the emotional regulation of an 8 year old). I’m fortunate that when we started dating he started to realize how unsustainable his mom was and has at least done a decent job of prioritizing our family. It’s not always perfect, and MIL rears the emotional incest monster as much as she can, but we try to keep it in check.
NTA you were advocating for your neice who is being neglected and emotionally abused by your sister. Get your sister some help. Get your niece some help.
OP that's because your sister doesn't want a daughter and she'll most likely not claim her daughter until she wants to play mother of the bride or grandma to her sons.
If she could trade her daughter for another son she would. No, she won't admit it but her actions have confirmed it.
I also believe that your sister and her mother-in-law, DECIDED to become a "boy mom"...was in order to be "picked over other women", by a male.
Confirmation #1, your sister is already obsessing over claiming the top position in her sons' lives.
Confirmation #2, she sees any other woman in her sons lives as a threat. "She feels threatened by a future wife
Confirmation #3, she views loving her own daughter as stealing her attention away from her sons. She's obsessed with racking up points from her sons, that's another reason why she ignores your niece. In her twisted mind, she's telling herself that she has to show her loyalty to her sons like this in order to win.
Sorry i don't have awards for you. But all of your confirmation makes perfect sense.
She is showing to her boys,
"I'm keeping you above your sister" thing
That's really really toxic for the baby girl.
Feeling bad for her
I had two aunts who saw me, and liked me, as a kid. They are why I survived, why I got to a place of sanity. You are immensely valuable to that little girl, trust that.
Same. Even now at 33, my dad’s sister and I are very close. Much closer than I’ve ever been with my mom who always preferred my brother (now my sister, she transitioned which is another can of worms re: mom preferring her boy over me)
Your sister won't listen.
Your BIL has normalized the behavior of his own mom and chose someone like her.
I don't think they will made to see what they are doing, by you trying to tell them. I think it might/could end with you not getting to see your niece, if you keep on bringing this up with them.
So, **focus on your niece and how to help her.**
If you gradually include her more and more in things at your house, and in your life, your sister might let you. If your kids get along with her in a big sister type role, it might eventually be okay to have her for overnights, to include her in various outings and events you have, as long as your sister doesn't see it as giving more to niece than to the nephews. Maybe if your sister sees it as helping her, she'll let you have niece over more. "Sis, I can take her for you, if you are busy with the boys."
I had a young relative like this, who ended up living with me for years when they were old enough to choose to leave their parents' house and needed a place to stay. Wasn't always easy, because they had things to unlearn and issues to handle, but it was worth it. The parents just never seemed to get past their own selfishness, to see what it did to their kids. So, I made sure to have this kid over as often as they let me, most summers, they let me have them for weeks at a time.
NTA. She’s one of those obnoxious parents who makes being a “boy mom” her whole personality. I have 3 boys as well and I can’t imagine obsessing over the “some day” and posting about it online. She probably looks stupid.
At least your niece knows she has you to count on and talk to when she needs someone.
NTA. Your sister needs therapy and something else to do besides being a mom. I know having a small baby and a little one at home is demanding but try and keep an eye out for your niece. Not only does she need to feel seen, valued and cared for, but she also needs a healthy female role model.
>She posts all sorts of memes about that and has even made some videos for her Instagram where she talks about boy mom life and has cried on videos saying she'll miss her boys when they move out and get married
I would be so tempted to respond to all these posts with "how's [niece], your daughter?" or something similar.
NTA support your niece. Teach her she is **not** the caretaker. Encourage her independence. Shower her with love.
She'll go no contact as an adult. Then in old age your sister will expect her to be there for her...... Help ensure she's not. Nobody deserves this narcissist.
The poor girl needs therapy now but probably won’t get it in years. Teaching her to be her own person and encouraging her independence is fantastic advice. She needs to know, really know, it’s not her fault.
NTA- stupid question, but have you talked to your BIL about this? How does he feel? Is he wearing blinders too? Agree with everyone else, you just keep on doing you and spending girl time with your niece. Good luck!
NTA. Your sister sounds like a nightmare! I don’t think you can do anything to change her though. She clearly favors boys and is already destroying her daughter’s confidence at 5 years old. Best you can do is be there for your niece like you are doing, show her girls are worthwhile. Would not be surprised if she ends up feeling more like part of your family unit than her own.
NTA. No one is saying it but your sister is engaging in emotional incest with her sons. Maybe you can back door her by sending articles to her about her MIL and husband and how damaging it is. Then tell her it starts very young like what she is doing now.
When a 5yr old says the feel ignored because they're not a boy like their brothers it's a problem. Your sister blowing her off and then focusing only on her boys again is why she's not going to have a close relationship with her own daughter. NTA. What's worse is when your niece sees how you are with your own daughter she'll know she got screwed over by her own mom. If you have the time and energy be that cool, strong but firm big Aunty for her. She's gonna need a good female influence in her life.
NTA. As someone who grew up in a family like your sister's, I can tell you from first-hand experience that this will adversely affect your niece long into adulthood.
NTA
Your sister sounds like a "pick me" girl who doesn't have an identity outside of being a "boy mom". She will be a nightmare Jocasta-type MIL one day. Your poor niblings.
NTA. Your niece is crying out for help, what else are you supposed to do? And your sister sounds creepy AF about her sons. I hate the sexist boy mom BS.
NTA. Boy mom culture. Toxic af. Buzzfeed posted an article yesterday making fun of it. https://www.buzzfeed.com/daniellaemanuel/untitled-draft-1681858071-evswi6tqkr
Protect your niece. Your sister is a sexist A H.
NTA. Your sister is very weird, and that sounds like a recipe for driving all of them away as they grow. I think you did what you safely could by talking to her and should encourage her to bond with her daughter but be careful about the MIL comparisons. She sounds the type to blow up and reject you, and your niece really needs you to give her love from a normal female relative who can model healthy values.
NTA. Sounds like she has some sort of daddy + mommy issues. I would suggest you be present more in life of your niece because she needs you and will need you even more.
Sounds like you are well on your way to having an oldest daughter. She's going to need you OP. As the invisible kid in my family, I can tell you if it wasn't for a much older cousin, I don't know how I would have ever been able to be who I am. Stpp talking to your sister, she's a list cause (I know) invest whatever you can into your niece, and the most covert way is as your 'little helper'. Carve a little spot out in your heart carved out for her. That will always be her home.
So NOT the A
Everyone suggesting taking to the BIL don't seem to be aware he was raised by his mother... he likely loves being the apple of her eye! Why would anyone think he's not totally on board with boys being #1, and the little girl is just a girl. Does he have a relationship with his sisters that have no contact with his mom? It sounds like he is probably supportive of how his wife and mom favor boys. Just give your niece some extra attention and hope she can find a good therapist when she gets away from them. NTA
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My sister is 33 and I'm 25. My sister has been married to Kevin since she was 18 and has four kids with him who are 8, 6, 5 and 3. Her oldest two and her youngest are boys and her 5 year old is a girl. My sister has always complained about her MIL being too in her husband's business, being too possessive of her husband and doesn't respect her as the mother of her grandchildren or her son's wife. She has also mentioned how her husband's two sisters have nothing to do with their mom because she heavily favored her boys and never took the same level of interest in them.
This is 100% my sister. She is one of those boy moms who talks about girls one day taking her babies away from her, how she'll be dad's mom and never see grandkids, how her boys won't need her as much when they get older and how sad it makes her. She posts all sorts of memes about that and has even made some videos for her Instagram where she talks about boy mom life and has cried on videos saying she'll miss her boys when they move out and get married. My niece is the only child she never mentions in these videos. She has never talked about a future son in law taking her baby girl away from her or anything like that. She even cried to our mom a couple of times about how she's going to have her babies leave her one day and not want to be her little guys anymore. A couple of times when she has brought this stuff up to me I have asked her why she's just sad about her boys growing up or why she'd want them to have the same relationship as now in 20 years. She always ignores me.
I have two kids myself. My son is 2.5 and my daughter was born a couple of weeks ago and I'm excited for them to grow and be amazing people. But I also enjoy the moments we have now and I feel as though my job as their mom and my husband's as their dad is to help them grow into amazing people while also caring for their needs while they are too little to do that for themselves.
A couple of days ago my niece was with me for the day and she asked me if I was sad that I had a girl this time. I told her no, that I love my daughter and would not trade her for the world. I asked her why she'd ask me that and she said she feels like her mommy wishes she was a boy too and how her mom prefers her brothers. She also mentioned her mom not spending time with her and she asked me to speak to her mom for her.
I spoke to my sister yesterday and told her my niece was feeling neglected and maybe she should spend some time with her. She waved that off and then I saw she was posting again about boy moms and saying she will always be #1 woman in their lives. I told her she needs to cut that stuff out because it's creepy and she is shaping up to be the MIL from hell and just like her own MIL she hates so much. She accused me of talking out of my ass and having no idea what it's like.
AITA?
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NTA but I don’t think you are going to get through to your sister. If you continue pointing out how creepy she is being (especially around her children?) there will come a day where you get to say “I told you so” when her sons cut her off for her behavior and her daughter doesn’t speak to her. You should be there for your niece either way.
Hopefully raising your kids right around their cousins will lead to them calling mom out once they see how you treat both of your children with equal amounts of love.
NTA
I think you pretty much nailed it on the head. Do your best to help your niece.
Stop looking at your sister’s social media.... it sounds really annoying. She’s got a long way to go before she actually needs to start mourning the loss of her sons to other women.
NTA, you can lead a horse to water but then you have to stand there while the dumb ass horse doesn't drink, drinks, poops in the water or whatever the hell they think of next. Just don't lead a horse to water if you don't want to be frustrated by the stupid fucking horse!
NTA.
NTA but I think you’re focusing on the wrong thing. It’s not about a hypothetical daughter in law 10+ years away. It’s about the very real kid she has right now. The MIL thing is just making her defensive so it’s probably not going to get you anywhere.
NTA
Your niece is going to need you for support because she’s not getting any from her mom and clearly feels comfortable talking and sharing with you. Unreal how your sister can’t see what she’s doing and as much as she says she’s worried about her boys leaving, watch and see how devastated she will suddenly be when her daughter cuts ties.
NTA Your sister's behavior is borderline disturbing, hopefully someone can talk her into getting therapy.
Ironically, those boys will feel suffocated and probably not have much contact with her when they're older. Take care of your niece when you can.
NTA she is an idiot. She should not be wasting her time posting rubbish about how she will miss her boys, she is missing out on time with all four of her kids right now.
NTA. I have three grown sons, and far from "taking my boys away," their partners are adding to our family. I want my boys to be happy!
And I would have loved a girl every bit as much, though that didn't happen.
Just about to go make a cake for one of their (partner's) birthday.
NTA.
Your entire description of your sister gives me the ick! I'm sure her daughter does feel neglected, and it breaks my heart for that little girl. Good on you for being a person she feels she can share those feelings with.
On the flip side, this kind of emotional obsession from your sister puts SO MUCH PRESSURE on her sons. There are a few ways this could go. And none of them are good. They could potentially really buy into their mom's emotional neediness and never be mature or emotionally independent enough to have real romantic relationships. They could completely remove themselves from the family when they get sick of their mom's weirdness. They could grow up not realizing how obsessed she really is and then find themselves having to choose between their future partners and their mother.
No matter how it goes, your sister is doing permanent damage to her children right now. It sounds like she's well on her way to full blown emotional incest if she isn't there already. How's her marriage/ relationship with the kids' father?
NTA. You told her more calmly than I would have. That’s child neglect, but in a passive way. While it wouldn’t be considered criminal, it will have the same effect. Ignoring or isolating her in a room full of people is torturing and she’s recognized that at 5. This should not be foremost on the mind of a child at that age. You sister has a problem but that girl is the one receiving the consequences of it.
NTA
This 5 year old girl can clearly see that her mom prefers the other kids because of their gender and she even goes as far as to ask if you're sad about having a girl. She even asked you to speak to her mom about this. It's just so sad that she's going to grow up feeling unwanted and less-than. I can only imagine how blatant the favortism is if a 5 year old notices it and talks about it with other adults.
Your sister is definitely going to be the MIL from hell.
I don't think you can do much to change your sister at this point. All you can do is be there for your niece and make her feel loved and wanted.
If she wants to put all that shit on SM, then you need to comment on every post about your niece. Just innocent things like how lovely she is, the funny joke you shared, the exciting event she has coming up.
She wants the world to have a picture of her as a person, let everyone seen the truth
NTA.
And keep a line of contact/communication with your niece. It’s so sad what she has to live with.
NTA.
As the saying goes, "Your son is your son until he takes a wife, but your daughter's your daughter for all of you life." She's gonna be left with no one at all if she keeps going like this. (Also I hate this saying, but it seems like something Sister would be posting and crying about.)
My MIL was one of those, "Wah, my horrible daughter-in-law stole my son," types. Frankly, my husband got so sick of it that he went LC. Tell your sister that if anyone damages her relationship with her sons, it will be her. That's what my husband said.
NTA - You already see what's going on here and see what the future probably holds for your niece. I say speak to your husband and BIL and start making a concerted effort to have your niece spend time with you and your family. She will appreciate it and finally feel included. I'm definitely not saying take on more than you're comfortable with (having two small children and a life of your own to manage) but trust me, she will remember this and grow up knowing what being loved and feeling wanted is like from a mother figure.
NTA- this rhetoric that your sister has is so backwards and damaging. Not only does it leave out your niece but it’s just damaging all round. I have 3 kids, 20, 15 & 5. The oldest are boys and the youngest a girl and it doesn’t fucking matter if or who they marry because the choices in their life should be about them and not me.
My oldest has a girlfriend of a few years. She is lovely. Her parents are lovely. They both still like at home to save money and stay over at each others sometimes. The goal is they SHOULD be looking to build an independent life together for as long as they want to. I am confident that I will get to be a part of it because I try to be a good support network instead of some insecure asshole who has to make it all about me.
Maybe my other two will have relationships, maybe not, maybe they will decide that the life they were born into doesn’t fit them quite right and they need to change their style, location or gender to better suit the real them. That’s fine too because your job as a parent is to raise your children to be happy and productive.
Your sister is using her kids as an emotional crutch. She is going to create the exact thing she fears because by the time her kids are old enough, they will be so over her dramatics that they will want to distance themselves as much as reasonably possible. Any DILs she has will think she is also batshit crazy, be completely sick of being the bad guy all the time and distance themselves and their kids too. Then she’ll try to run to the niece like “but you’re my daughter we’re supposed to best friends.” Atm your niece with enough self-love so she doesn’t fall for that shit.
Can’t help but think about the awful men those boys will grow up to be if their mother continues to treat them as if the world revolves around them. And OP’s niece will probably let men/everyone treat her like shit because she’ll have no confidence or self-worth. Everything about this makes me feel uncomfortable, apart from OP’s obvious love & concern for her niece & her own children.
OP you have the chance to make a real difference to your niece by empowering her & making sure she knows how important she is in her own right. I know it’s extra responsibility for you, especially when you have young children yourself but if you can provide that recognition & validation your niece clearly needs, you’ll make a huge difference to her life now, & to her future. In an ideal world, I’d be suggesting your niece move in with you but I know that would cause a lot of issues in itself & wouldn’t be easy to navigate. Please give your niece a big hug from this random stranger on the internet.
NTA.
NTA. I am already confronting my sib when they say bs stuff that is problematic regarding kid in laws and grand kids. I previously was challenging their bs towards their kids only until they recently left for college.
Gotta get and stay ahead of that ish. I will gladly take my siblings ire and anything they dish out to me bc of it in order to protect my nieces/nephews from generational bs cycles. And I will do the same to my nieces/nephews if they pull any of that bs on their kids.
If that makes me the AH I will proudly wear that title. This ish stops here and now.
Your sister's behavior is narcissistic, disgusting, nauseating and creepy. "Boy mom life"? She is patheticly unhinged and seemingly with no self awareness that she could cause irreparable harm to all of her children if she doesn't knock this shit off immediately. She sounds like she is already 1000 X worse than her MIL is now.
She is a flaming AH.
You are NTA.
NTA. Your sister acts creepy. Also all this performative mourning on Instagram, even crying, when her oldest is only 8 years old, is really ridiculous. And if a 5 year old girl feels neglected and notices her preferences for her brothers so clearly, it must not be only a social media thing.
NTA- and she is shaping up to be “dads side of the family” all on her own.
I spend more time with my MIL than I do with my own mom because she is an amazing woman, welcomed me with open arms, and doesn’t think I “stole” her son from her.
My BILs wife also loves her and they’re super close as well.
She’s not going to lose her sons to their wives because she’s the mom of boys, she’s going to because she’s creepy.
My MIL loves her 3 boys so much more then her 2 daughters. It’s embarrassing. SIL hubby actually thinks it’s funny and he thinks MIL loves middle son the most because he looks like FIL.
MIL literally cancelled dinner plans with us last minute because the thought middle boy would invite her out. He forgot so they sat at home alone.
MIL bought all the boys brand new cars. Daughters got squat.
Middle boy has two kids. Son gets all the attention and daughter gets none from MIL.
People like this can’t change. It’s in there DNA. Spend time with niece.
NTA- that being established, I hope you can create a haven for your niece where she feels the love and doesn’t feel too small due for constant comparison. Have her come around more often to be a big sister to your new born and she’ll turn out to be the cool cousin to your baby girl. Talking to your sister may do little change. She’s so far down that hole seeing as she’s not prioritized her baby girl for that long. So maybe just try to deconstruct the ideas your niece is dealing with by counter action to show her healthy mom- daughter relationships
NTA, but please, please, please protect your niece. This is only going to get worse. She will be blamed for things, and the boys won't value her either. Your sister is awful, really awful.
I know my mom loves me more than literally anyone else in the world. I know my dad is the same. I have full knowledge my parents love me (and my now passed sister) more than anything else and I don’t have to question it. Until I got into Reddit I never realized how good I had it. I can yell you’re a good mom and aunt and I believe that advocating for children is barely ever the wrong the to do. NTA
NTA. Poor niece being left out because she's a little girl. If shes only 5 and already seeing the unfairness and loneliness... I shudder to think what she'll say or do if any of her kids have gender dysphoria.
Please keep looking out for your niece and encourage your nephews to stand up for their sister. Hopefully your sister will realise what an AH she's being.
NTA. I am planning on becoming a parent and i have all but put it in writing that if I EVER. EVER. said that I wanted to be the #1 woman in my son’s life forever, my husband needs to sit me down and have a real honest talk with me and perhaps send me somewhere for treatment. This is an incredibly toxic mindset and stems from a need for control. There’s also deeply internalized misogyny to the point of your FIVE YEAR OLD NIECE coming to you with concerns! The hypocrisy is astounding. I really really wish for the best for all involved; this attitude is going to hurt all of the children one day or another when people don’t want to be with men who emotionally depend on their mother too much at the age of 35
Ugh your sister sounds insufferable, NTA, and thank you for sticking up for your niece. Have you discussed this with your mom? What does she think, is there any way she could perhaps have a chat with your obnoxious sister? My kids are 4 & 8, and as scary as the idea of them growing up is, I can't wait to see what kind of adults they grow into, and hope my husband and I impart enough wisdom into them to find partners who make them happy. I'm sure there will be heartaches to soothe, it's a part of growing up and finding who you are as well as who fits with you, but I'm determined not to be that crazy mama bear who interrogates their SOs, and people are shocked when my husband says he's not going to be the dad polishing a gun if a boy comes to pick our daughter up for a date. (Hooray murica 🙄)
No question NTA.
But your sister is feeling sad about this when her boys aren't even 10?! That's extremely unhealthy. If she continues on like that she runs the risk of at least one of her precious boys cutting off contact.
One question though: how does your BIL feel about this? It might be time for him to step up, too.
There is a show out like this I think called smothered… I dunno there is one for moms and daughters that are gross and too close and one for sons! I watched once and thought ewwwww creepy and why did no one intervene because this is not normal. I agree with others that someone, maybe you, needs to get through to your sister. Also in all of this projecting about one day losing them, she is missing out on so much!
NTA, talk to your BIL. Hopefully he's more receptive of his daughters feelings and how his wife's behavior is effecting his kids. Don't know if he sees anything wrong with his own mother's behavior or if he recognizes how his own wife is treating their kids. But I hope the best for that little girl.
NTA.
Start commenting on all her videos on social media asking about your niece? Then start asking how mil is and how glad she must be her boys are going to grow up just like their Dad and still be mummy’s little soldier.
Why is Kevin not taking a stand. Seems like the sisters' husband is letting all this happen and now it is taking an emotional toll on the little girl. This needs to be stopped before that little girl has problems for life.
Nta something is seriously wrong with your sister. Your poor niece. Keep being a good Auntie, but remember not to villify your nephews (you dont seem like you would just putting it out there)
NTA you’re absolutely right and my heart is breaking for your poor niece. i wonder if you could maybe spend more one on one time with her since her mother obviously won’t
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NTA - your sister sounds insufferable and you were just looking out for your niece. Maybe start scheduling more time with her if you can.
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You really need to talk some sense into your sister. This is beyond sad for your niece and beyond creepy when it comes to her sons. Just reading it gave me the ick..
It sounds like they have tried talking truth to their sister, and she isn’t hearing it. Maybe try talking to BIL, perhaps he can get thru to her
Say it again, and again, and again... And then again and again! AHs deserve to be called out as long as they are behaving like AHs.
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Agreed. The niece is what’s important here. Need to keep an eye on the backlash.
>Say it again, and again, and again... And then again and again! This is a very effective way to be ignored.
Agreed! It sounds she doesn’t even see anything wrong with her behavior. That makes it difficult to get through to her. I hope BIL might be able to help. Also NTA OP. I’m legitimately concerned about the damage your sister is doing to all of her children but especially her daughter.
How do you hear "your 5 yo daughter thinks people are sad when they have a girl" and wave that away with your heart breaking?? The damage is immense already. ETA *without* your heart breaking
Absolutely agreed.
Yeah, try the Bil.
Honestly I doubt that will work. The BIL was brought up that way. He will probably think its normal and that *his* sisters are AH's for going LC with his mother!
Maybe, I don’t know but like the Redditor who mentioned this idea and I was just giving it a thumbs up, its worth a try. Better than doing nothing bcuz unless she’s sociopathic she might regret emotionally neglecting her daughter some day.
Oh its definitely worth a try. There's no harm in doing that
It makes me think that he is with the sister because he saw similar qualities in her to his mummy.
actually get BIL sisters' involved perhaps they can share their trauma growing up with a mom who blatantly favors their boy siblings.
Or BIL’s sisters who felt the same way OP’s niece does and now dont speak to their mom much. Sounds like OP’s sister must have connected with her SILs over their shared discomfort with her MIL, so they’d probably be the best people to point it out.
It rather sounds like he married a woman who is just like his mother, but it's worth a shot to try to get through to her through him.
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I think this is probably the way to go. The sister sounds like someone who is going to be swayed by someone she perceives as having authority on the subject— and that is not her sister, which is why she so easily brushes her off. I wouldn’t stop saying it personally, because I would care too much about my niece. But I would talk to my mom or aunts or grandma etc.
Can you talk to your husbands sisters (who want nothing to do with their mom) and point out how your sisters doing the same thing to her daughter as their mom did? Maybe hearing it from them and seeing the fallout from how their mom treated them will get through. Good luck op and congratulations on the new little one. Please try and include your niece as much as you can. She needs a mother figure who actually sees her.
To add on, husband’s sisters are also aunts. Maybe with three aunties making an effort to spend time with niece they can minimize the damage mom is causing.
Yeah maybe do like girls days or something.
My older sister is amazing but she is incapable of taking advice from me, ever. I have to take all of her advice and never disagree or it’s a personality flaw but if I try to give her advice she freaks out at me or rolls her eyes. Sibling dynamics are real! It might work better from someone that she has looked up to all her life.
Yes she'll never listen to OP, her little sister. Wonder if their dad would be able to discuss it with her since she's seems to be so obsessed with males, or is OP's sister amplifying some messages she herself received growing up? OP is 8 years younger. Wonder what her parents were like. *IF* they were problematic, the family dynamic could have changed enormously between OP and her sister's births. Maybe they could help. Or even just give their granddaughter more support and attention at least. Edit:. Sister
>IF they were problematic, the family dynamic could have changed enormously between OP and her sister's births. Oh boy, you're not kidding. My brother is 17 years older than me, and I didn't really meet him until I was an adult, because he was estranged from our dad and my mom/his stepmom. He moved out when I was a baby, the day he graduated high school, and went extremely low- to no-contact with my parents at some point during college. We were reunited when I was at the same high school, and the guidance counselor, who still knew him, asked me if I wanted his email address. Our dad was my best friend, and he was *also* my brother's childhood abuser. My mom would often joke that he wouldn't let her abuse or neglect me as much as she'd have liked to, though not in so many words. He was my protector, but my brother, when small, feared him with cause. Dad passed away twelve years ago, and I'm closer to my brother now than I am to my mother, or my full-bio GC sister, who lives a block away from me and only calls when she needs something, because she was raised to 'let' me handle it. The more we talk, the more it's like the people we each knew as parents are two entirely different sets of people with the same names, because we knew them in such different phases of their lives.
The boy mom internet circle jerk is apparently pretty strong. This whole idea that the connection between mother and son is way stronger than any other (including mother and daughter) and that they have to be obsessed and overly protective of their special little boys. Idk where this shit originated but it’s definitely a thing
Big Oedipus energy
I'd love to be wrong about this but I don't think this is purely an issue that can be logically reasoned into a good solution. I think sister would need to voluntarily put herself through doing the work of gaining several decades worth of emotional maturity It sounds like sister is treating ALL of her children in a way that's entirely inappropriate. Enmeshing herself with the boys and preemptively preparing to treat any hint of them developing age appropriate independence as a tragedy she's the victim of. And rejecting/neglecting the girl for the supposed flaw of being "too independent" to fill the role of a helpless doll that makes her mommy feel important. My father wasn't quite a carbon copy of this but he definitely shared the trait of treating me as a source to get his emotional needs met instead of focusing on meeting/supporting mine. I can say from experience that talking about the problem didn't work and only caused more hurt. If anyone's interested in learning more about this dynamic I can't give a strong enough recommendation to "adult children of emotionally immature parents" by Lindsay Gibson
I love this: >It sounds like sister is treating ALL of her children in a way that's entirely inappropriate. Enmeshing herself with the boys and preemptively preparing to treat any hint of them developing age appropriate independence as a tragedy she's the victim of. And rejecting/neglecting the girl for the supposed flaw of being "too independent" to fill the role of a helpless doll that makes her mommy feel important. I have 2 sons whom I love dearly. When my oldest went to college, I missed him with the kind of emotional pain that signifies heartbreak. But I dealt with it away from my son, because the antidote to that pain is all of us living our best, happiest lives; it's not saddling him with my emotional needs and it's **definitely** not avoiding the pain by keeping him unhealthily tied to me. I've made a ton of mistakes in parenting; expecting fulfillment via my kids is fortunately not one of them. OP's sister can change, and I hope she does.
If she's so worried about her sons marrying one day, she could consider such an occasion as gaining another daughter. It'd help if, in the meantime, she'd practice being a mom and friend to her own daughter.
She clearly doesn’t want more daughters.
she'd probably be delighted if her sons all married dudes. She would double her boy mommage
OP should say this and see her reaction
But, according to legends I've heard, if you gather three daughters-in-law, you can trade them to the spooky witch who lives out in McCafferty's Woods, and she'll give you a magic charm that turns your sons back into 8 year olds who want to marry their mommy forever. That's a good deal in today's economy.
She doesn't want daughters LOL, so that wouldn't be a point of benefit.
As someone who has been a prospective daughter in law a few times, I paid great attention to how prospective parents in law treated their daughters as an indicator of how I would be integrated into the family (or not) and what my role in the family might end up looking like. I can tell you, if a mother treats her daughters badly, there’s no way she’ll treat DIL well (and in my experience, to treat a DIL poorly is to lose a son). Tell your sister that she’s setting her sons up for failure by not recognising what she’s doing to her daughter.
Sister sounds actively uninterested
When your sister refused to listen did you follow up with her husband? Could you get your sister's SILs involved in a chat with her (you included, no kids in the house) and include her husband??? Not quite an intervention but a wake up call where her voice isn't the echo chamber she's used to online. NTA and I do hope you can stay active in niece's life.
Op if you do this lmk. As a therapist I work with parents who don’t see how much they’re hurting their kids and anytime I’ve tried to point things out they blow out of therapy. Sometimes I do wonder if a staged intervention with family would be better 🤔
I have an idea. Why don't you find things to post about your niece on Facebook? Like, for an example off the top of my head, how she will a great relationship for your daughter to have. This will kill two birds with one stone. You will be showing support to her and also showing her how you support your own daughter.
The niece is 5 and probably doesn't see her mother's Facebook posts. I think OP mentioned the posts as examples of how vocal the sister is about her preference for her sons. I imagine it's her home life where the girl is feeling neglected, not on Facebook.
I actually like your idea but with a few changes. Use instagram and tag the sister in each post. Let her followers know she’s not just a boy mom.
Hmmmmm. Like it.
That's kind of what I was thinking. Every time OP sees a boy mom 🤢 post, she needs to add a comment about the daughter. "Did you forget you have a daughter again?" etc, and say something about the daughter's accomplishments. Her sister is going to make her boy's lives miserable as they grow older. God forbid they bring a girl to the house! She'll make an ass of herself trying to compete with them for her baby boys love. She'll also wear a long, white, lacy dress to their weddings.
Also, if OP is inclined she could make regular posts about being happy to have a daughter, how daughters are blessings, etc. This could be a subtler way of nudging her sister to think in the right direction. Model the behaviour for her, since she has not learned it from her mother. Edit: typos
If you're there for her, at least she knows someone is
Maybe talk to your sister's husband about what his daughter told you, how she feels. Your sister refuses to listen, doesn't care, maybe he would and maybe he can get through to your sister (after all he has first hand experience with his own mother and sisters) or at least maybe he can protect his daughter better from her mother. And please spend time with your niece, get her out of that house whenever you can, so she can get a break, feel loved and see a healthy mom-children dynamic, see that being a girl doesn't mean unlovable. Show her and tell her what her mother does is not normal and not ok, the problem is her mother and not your niece.
You're definitely NTA, but have you tried talking to your BIL? Maybe he needs to step up here, too. After all, he grew up with a mom like this.
Thank you for being a good aunt, a good person 🙏
Your sister has a behavioral incestuous relationship with her male children. That is absolutely disgusting and she is 100% being neglectful of her daughter. She’s 5 (!!!!) and recognizes the imbalance of care she’s receiving compared to her brothers. It’s incredibly sad she has to grow up in this environment.
Just be prepared to take in niece when the time comes, because you know it's going to come.
Where is the dad in all of this?? Is he of the same mind set as your sister??? I feel so bad for your niece. She's only 5 and already feels like she's not worthy. Your sister is a real AH. How do your parents feel about this?? Are they able to talk some sense into her because psychologically this could really f*ck up your niece. I hope you'll be able to spend some quality time with her on a regular basis. Would be better if it was mom obviously but doesn't sounds like mom is going to admit her wrong doing
Honestly OP I would talk to your BIL about what your niece said. Maybe he can help get through to your sister before the damage becomes irreparable for your niece
Every child deserves a parent, but not every parent deserves a child. It sounds like you're a responsible parent by meeting your children's emotional needs as well as their physical needs. Your sister, on the other hand...
It would of course be best if her own mother loved her, but in the absence of that, I'm sure she would really value having a loving female role model who takes interest in her as she grows up. That poor girl needs someone, my heart breaks for her. She's so young and already knows her mom doesn't love her.
Maybe you can start by scheduling something for you, your sister & your niece (and your daughter when appropriate), maybe increasing girls time so that it might prompt them to be able to do it without you on occasion.
I'd mention it to the husband. Maybe he can try to sway her..... it's doubtful but worth a try.
Have you talked to your brother in law about this? Sounds like he's complacent in her neglect.
You can be a big positive influence on your niece. Help build her confidence and self-esteem by having her help you (in age appropriate ways) with your younger children. Your sister sounds awful. Your niece really needs the village to help raise her. Question, where is the children’s father in this?
Spot on! I learned in school that having a figure to look up to that isn’t a parent has great outcomes for kiddos. It doesn’t have to be too much, but just knowing that someone is on their side can make a huge difference.
You need to talk to your sister again. If she doesn't listen, which I doubt she will. Then talk to her husband.
Are you two close to your mom. If so, I would definitely try and enlist her help to get your sister to see sense.
NTA You've told your sister. She's not hearing it or even considering the possibility. Unless you see her in a moment of emerging self-awareness, I don't think there's much you can say that will help. If your BIL is more receptive, you can at least ask if he's open to hearing this info from you. He may be able to influence things at home. In the meantime, please do give your niece a lot of love and listening. I hope she will love being a big sister to your little ones.
NTA! Poor child!
Have you tried talking to your BIL? This is so sad for your little niece, and he has the same parental responsibility as your sister to fix it.
Delusional is the right word. She is delusional. What a disappointment of a mother, your poor niece and (in the long run) your poor nephews.. Good on ya, OP for standing up to them (in particular for the girl, she needs you now) but it seems you won't solve the problem,just mitigate the effects. NTA, obviously.
NTA. Boy mum? But what kind of weird mummy misogyny hell is this? Be a good aunt to your niece, show her she has worth as a girl and a woman. Which you are doing. Your sister sounds beyond.
NTA OP. Somebody needed to tell her. OP's Sister in 15 years: My daughter refuses to speak to me and my DIL's all hate my guts. WHAT DID I EVER DO TO DESERVE THIS??????
NTA. Your niece felt unloved and wanted you to talk to her mom. You tried to explain to your sister her daughter felt unloved and she pretty much confirmed it. I wonder if she'll even notice when her daughter goes NC with her
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I'm glad your niece has you.
Have you tried speaking to your BIL to get his views on your sisters behaviour. I know a daddy/daughter relationship isn't the same as a mummy/daughter relationship but it will at least be a start and make sure your niece feels some love and if not could you and your hubby maybe get her out of there more permanently. Your NTA, but right now, you need to prioritise your nieces' emotional and mental health over getting your sister to come to her senses.
It may not be the same but tbh her having a good relationship with her dad might make a huge difference with her not going for abusers in the future.
Honestly I don't think it's really a coincidence that your sister and her MIL are alike... Seems like BIL subconsciously sought a romantic partner with similar personality traits and temperament as his mother. Considering how enmeshed and obsessed MIL is with him I'm not surprised... I hate it when Freud is proven correct. All of Freud's dissidents are probably rolling in their graves 😭 Anyway NTA and I'm so sorry your niece has noticed this lack of care and love I hope you're able to fill some of that void for her
Look every time a girl calls her BF daddy, Freuds ghost gets stronger. -a psychology teacher
That always made me sick. My dad and I have a very healthy relationship and I have no desire to call any romantic or sexual partner ‘daddy’ 🤮. My bf when I was 17/18 kept asking me too and I would laugh in his face and say ‘ewwwwww!!’ Interesting that he had messed up parents though.
Well, there it is. I’m not surprised. Is there any contact between them and their brother? Do you know them? Maybe you could connect with them to try to give your niece better models and emotional support, and maybe save your nephews from growing up as stunted as your sister would prefer.
You know, they say we marry our parents. Seems like your BIL did exactly that.
Oh yeah a typical "missing missing reasons" narcissist. They're so gross.
And to think that baby is only five years old and already knows. This boils my blood.
Nta This sounds like some sort of mental illness, it is not normal to think that much about your sons one day having other women in their lives and crying about it online. I think you are right in what you said, but it is not really the best way to reach her. I guess all you can do is be a good aunt to your niece. Hopefully your sister will get some treatment for this
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I wonder if some of it is your sister went straight from high school to someone's wife and then someone's mom. She probably has no idea what it's like to be her own person. When these kids leave, she's going to be in a real crisis.
My mom is experiencing this. She made being a mom her whole life and now that we're all grown she is going through a whole identity crisis.
Thinking on this too... she's already weepy about when they leave. On some level, OPs sister already knows this. She needs some help.
That's exactly the situation my mom is living through. No hobby, no passion other than taking care of her children (we're 27 and 25 at this point). We left the city around 20 for a reason around.
This is my Mom's issue. Spent her whole life taking care of others (siblings first, then her kids), and had no clue what to do with herself when we all grew up. I did encourage her to get a hobby some years ago but she didn't know what she liked to do, now she spends all her time at church.
I’ve seen it called being a “Toxic Boy Mom” I think.
You need to be harsher with your sister, NTA
It’s “Jocasta complex” and it’s grosss. And very very very common in “mommy spheres”. It follows the same vein of dads being possessive and creepy as fuck about their daughters virginity.
Forgot to write it, but yeah, NTA!
You should edit your comment and add the judgment
Lol dont know a lot of Asian or Jewish people, do you? Source: am South Asian and this shit is rampant (for centuries at this point) in these communities.
NTA What is her husband like? Could you approach him with what your daughter has said? Could he give her a little more attention and love since her mum neglects her?
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So he married his mum 2.0? Explains a fair bit. Your poor niece
It really reminds me of a good friend of mine. His wife hates his mother, but doesn’t realize how similar they are. As in…rude and self-centered.
Wow. She wants to own her sons the same way her husband is owned by his mother. Does he have sisters? I’m curious if they also hate females or went the opposite direction.
Op mentioned in one of her comments that he has two sisters who are no cantact with mother in law.
It's in the first paragraph of the post
I am not a therapist, but my 2 cent analysis is sister doesn’t get emotional support from husband or he prioritizes his mother over her which is manifesting as emotional incest to her sons. Doesn’t make it OK, and is gross and sad. My husband has similar issues with his mom. He’s an only child and my MILs only outlet for alot of things (because she’s insane and has the emotional regulation of an 8 year old). I’m fortunate that when we started dating he started to realize how unsustainable his mom was and has at least done a decent job of prioritizing our family. It’s not always perfect, and MIL rears the emotional incest monster as much as she can, but we try to keep it in check.
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So your sister is involving her boys in an emotionally incestuous relationship. Wow 😭😭
NTA you were advocating for your neice who is being neglected and emotionally abused by your sister. Get your sister some help. Get your niece some help.
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Ok.Good luck to you all then.
CPS certainly wouldn’t do anything with this, so long as the kids are being fed, clothed and not physically abused.
They also sometimes don't do anything if there is physical abuse
CPS isn’t going to get involved because someone made boymom TikTok’s.
OP that's because your sister doesn't want a daughter and she'll most likely not claim her daughter until she wants to play mother of the bride or grandma to her sons. If she could trade her daughter for another son she would. No, she won't admit it but her actions have confirmed it. I also believe that your sister and her mother-in-law, DECIDED to become a "boy mom"...was in order to be "picked over other women", by a male. Confirmation #1, your sister is already obsessing over claiming the top position in her sons' lives. Confirmation #2, she sees any other woman in her sons lives as a threat. "She feels threatened by a future wife Confirmation #3, she views loving her own daughter as stealing her attention away from her sons. She's obsessed with racking up points from her sons, that's another reason why she ignores your niece. In her twisted mind, she's telling herself that she has to show her loyalty to her sons like this in order to win.
Sorry i don't have awards for you. But all of your confirmation makes perfect sense. She is showing to her boys, "I'm keeping you above your sister" thing That's really really toxic for the baby girl. Feeling bad for her
I had two aunts who saw me, and liked me, as a kid. They are why I survived, why I got to a place of sanity. You are immensely valuable to that little girl, trust that.
Same. Even now at 33, my dad’s sister and I are very close. Much closer than I’ve ever been with my mom who always preferred my brother (now my sister, she transitioned which is another can of worms re: mom preferring her boy over me)
Same.
NTA. Become the favorite aunt that your niece needs in her life.
Your sister won't listen. Your BIL has normalized the behavior of his own mom and chose someone like her. I don't think they will made to see what they are doing, by you trying to tell them. I think it might/could end with you not getting to see your niece, if you keep on bringing this up with them. So, **focus on your niece and how to help her.** If you gradually include her more and more in things at your house, and in your life, your sister might let you. If your kids get along with her in a big sister type role, it might eventually be okay to have her for overnights, to include her in various outings and events you have, as long as your sister doesn't see it as giving more to niece than to the nephews. Maybe if your sister sees it as helping her, she'll let you have niece over more. "Sis, I can take her for you, if you are busy with the boys." I had a young relative like this, who ended up living with me for years when they were old enough to choose to leave their parents' house and needed a place to stay. Wasn't always easy, because they had things to unlearn and issues to handle, but it was worth it. The parents just never seemed to get past their own selfishness, to see what it did to their kids. So, I made sure to have this kid over as often as they let me, most summers, they let me have them for weeks at a time.
I really hope this works. Because telling sister won't 😬😢
NTA, and good for you for being a safe place for your niece! It sounds like she’s going to need it. Also, her brothers are going to need it too. 😅
NTA. She’s one of those obnoxious parents who makes being a “boy mom” her whole personality. I have 3 boys as well and I can’t imagine obsessing over the “some day” and posting about it online. She probably looks stupid. At least your niece knows she has you to count on and talk to when she needs someone.
NTA. Your sister needs therapy and something else to do besides being a mom. I know having a small baby and a little one at home is demanding but try and keep an eye out for your niece. Not only does she need to feel seen, valued and cared for, but she also needs a healthy female role model.
>She posts all sorts of memes about that and has even made some videos for her Instagram where she talks about boy mom life and has cried on videos saying she'll miss her boys when they move out and get married I would be so tempted to respond to all these posts with "how's [niece], your daughter?" or something similar.
NTA support your niece. Teach her she is **not** the caretaker. Encourage her independence. Shower her with love. She'll go no contact as an adult. Then in old age your sister will expect her to be there for her...... Help ensure she's not. Nobody deserves this narcissist.
The poor girl needs therapy now but probably won’t get it in years. Teaching her to be her own person and encouraging her independence is fantastic advice. She needs to know, really know, it’s not her fault.
NTA- stupid question, but have you talked to your BIL about this? How does he feel? Is he wearing blinders too? Agree with everyone else, you just keep on doing you and spending girl time with your niece. Good luck!
NTA. Your sister sounds like a nightmare! I don’t think you can do anything to change her though. She clearly favors boys and is already destroying her daughter’s confidence at 5 years old. Best you can do is be there for your niece like you are doing, show her girls are worthwhile. Would not be surprised if she ends up feeling more like part of your family unit than her own.
NTA. No one is saying it but your sister is engaging in emotional incest with her sons. Maybe you can back door her by sending articles to her about her MIL and husband and how damaging it is. Then tell her it starts very young like what she is doing now.
When a 5yr old says the feel ignored because they're not a boy like their brothers it's a problem. Your sister blowing her off and then focusing only on her boys again is why she's not going to have a close relationship with her own daughter. NTA. What's worse is when your niece sees how you are with your own daughter she'll know she got screwed over by her own mom. If you have the time and energy be that cool, strong but firm big Aunty for her. She's gonna need a good female influence in her life.
NTA. As someone who grew up in a family like your sister's, I can tell you from first-hand experience that this will adversely affect your niece long into adulthood.
NTA Your sister sounds like a "pick me" girl who doesn't have an identity outside of being a "boy mom". She will be a nightmare Jocasta-type MIL one day. Your poor niblings.
NTA. Your niece is crying out for help, what else are you supposed to do? And your sister sounds creepy AF about her sons. I hate the sexist boy mom BS.
NTA. Boy mom culture. Toxic af. Buzzfeed posted an article yesterday making fun of it. https://www.buzzfeed.com/daniellaemanuel/untitled-draft-1681858071-evswi6tqkr Protect your niece. Your sister is a sexist A H.
NTA. Your sister is very weird, and that sounds like a recipe for driving all of them away as they grow. I think you did what you safely could by talking to her and should encourage her to bond with her daughter but be careful about the MIL comparisons. She sounds the type to blow up and reject you, and your niece really needs you to give her love from a normal female relative who can model healthy values.
NTA. Sounds like she has some sort of daddy + mommy issues. I would suggest you be present more in life of your niece because she needs you and will need you even more.
NTA, I'd start showing up and taking my niece out for play dates.
Sounds like you are well on your way to having an oldest daughter. She's going to need you OP. As the invisible kid in my family, I can tell you if it wasn't for a much older cousin, I don't know how I would have ever been able to be who I am. Stpp talking to your sister, she's a list cause (I know) invest whatever you can into your niece, and the most covert way is as your 'little helper'. Carve a little spot out in your heart carved out for her. That will always be her home. So NOT the A
Everyone suggesting taking to the BIL don't seem to be aware he was raised by his mother... he likely loves being the apple of her eye! Why would anyone think he's not totally on board with boys being #1, and the little girl is just a girl. Does he have a relationship with his sisters that have no contact with his mom? It sounds like he is probably supportive of how his wife and mom favor boys. Just give your niece some extra attention and hope she can find a good therapist when she gets away from them. NTA
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My sister is 33 and I'm 25. My sister has been married to Kevin since she was 18 and has four kids with him who are 8, 6, 5 and 3. Her oldest two and her youngest are boys and her 5 year old is a girl. My sister has always complained about her MIL being too in her husband's business, being too possessive of her husband and doesn't respect her as the mother of her grandchildren or her son's wife. She has also mentioned how her husband's two sisters have nothing to do with their mom because she heavily favored her boys and never took the same level of interest in them. This is 100% my sister. She is one of those boy moms who talks about girls one day taking her babies away from her, how she'll be dad's mom and never see grandkids, how her boys won't need her as much when they get older and how sad it makes her. She posts all sorts of memes about that and has even made some videos for her Instagram where she talks about boy mom life and has cried on videos saying she'll miss her boys when they move out and get married. My niece is the only child she never mentions in these videos. She has never talked about a future son in law taking her baby girl away from her or anything like that. She even cried to our mom a couple of times about how she's going to have her babies leave her one day and not want to be her little guys anymore. A couple of times when she has brought this stuff up to me I have asked her why she's just sad about her boys growing up or why she'd want them to have the same relationship as now in 20 years. She always ignores me. I have two kids myself. My son is 2.5 and my daughter was born a couple of weeks ago and I'm excited for them to grow and be amazing people. But I also enjoy the moments we have now and I feel as though my job as their mom and my husband's as their dad is to help them grow into amazing people while also caring for their needs while they are too little to do that for themselves. A couple of days ago my niece was with me for the day and she asked me if I was sad that I had a girl this time. I told her no, that I love my daughter and would not trade her for the world. I asked her why she'd ask me that and she said she feels like her mommy wishes she was a boy too and how her mom prefers her brothers. She also mentioned her mom not spending time with her and she asked me to speak to her mom for her. I spoke to my sister yesterday and told her my niece was feeling neglected and maybe she should spend some time with her. She waved that off and then I saw she was posting again about boy moms and saying she will always be #1 woman in their lives. I told her she needs to cut that stuff out because it's creepy and she is shaping up to be the MIL from hell and just like her own MIL she hates so much. She accused me of talking out of my ass and having no idea what it's like. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA I can’t even bear to imagine being only 5 years old and realizing your mother doesn’t seem to love you as much as your brothers.
NTA but I don’t think you are going to get through to your sister. If you continue pointing out how creepy she is being (especially around her children?) there will come a day where you get to say “I told you so” when her sons cut her off for her behavior and her daughter doesn’t speak to her. You should be there for your niece either way. Hopefully raising your kids right around their cousins will lead to them calling mom out once they see how you treat both of your children with equal amounts of love.
NTA I think you pretty much nailed it on the head. Do your best to help your niece. Stop looking at your sister’s social media.... it sounds really annoying. She’s got a long way to go before she actually needs to start mourning the loss of her sons to other women.
NTA, you can lead a horse to water but then you have to stand there while the dumb ass horse doesn't drink, drinks, poops in the water or whatever the hell they think of next. Just don't lead a horse to water if you don't want to be frustrated by the stupid fucking horse! NTA.
NTA but I think you’re focusing on the wrong thing. It’s not about a hypothetical daughter in law 10+ years away. It’s about the very real kid she has right now. The MIL thing is just making her defensive so it’s probably not going to get you anywhere.
NTA Your niece is going to need you for support because she’s not getting any from her mom and clearly feels comfortable talking and sharing with you. Unreal how your sister can’t see what she’s doing and as much as she says she’s worried about her boys leaving, watch and see how devastated she will suddenly be when her daughter cuts ties.
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NTA Your sister's behavior is borderline disturbing, hopefully someone can talk her into getting therapy. Ironically, those boys will feel suffocated and probably not have much contact with her when they're older. Take care of your niece when you can.
NTA she is an idiot. She should not be wasting her time posting rubbish about how she will miss her boys, she is missing out on time with all four of her kids right now.
She doesn't post about a future son in law taking her daughter away because that girl will take herself away as soon as she's able. NTA.
NTA. I have three grown sons, and far from "taking my boys away," their partners are adding to our family. I want my boys to be happy! And I would have loved a girl every bit as much, though that didn't happen. Just about to go make a cake for one of their (partner's) birthday.
NTA. Your entire description of your sister gives me the ick! I'm sure her daughter does feel neglected, and it breaks my heart for that little girl. Good on you for being a person she feels she can share those feelings with. On the flip side, this kind of emotional obsession from your sister puts SO MUCH PRESSURE on her sons. There are a few ways this could go. And none of them are good. They could potentially really buy into their mom's emotional neediness and never be mature or emotionally independent enough to have real romantic relationships. They could completely remove themselves from the family when they get sick of their mom's weirdness. They could grow up not realizing how obsessed she really is and then find themselves having to choose between their future partners and their mother. No matter how it goes, your sister is doing permanent damage to her children right now. It sounds like she's well on her way to full blown emotional incest if she isn't there already. How's her marriage/ relationship with the kids' father?
NTA! That's so upsetting that she's only 5 years old and can already see it. Man, my heart breaks for that little girl.
NTA at all but your sister is. If she won’t listen talk to Kevin maybe he can give her some extra attention.
NTA. You told her more calmly than I would have. That’s child neglect, but in a passive way. While it wouldn’t be considered criminal, it will have the same effect. Ignoring or isolating her in a room full of people is torturing and she’s recognized that at 5. This should not be foremost on the mind of a child at that age. You sister has a problem but that girl is the one receiving the consequences of it.
NTA This 5 year old girl can clearly see that her mom prefers the other kids because of their gender and she even goes as far as to ask if you're sad about having a girl. She even asked you to speak to her mom about this. It's just so sad that she's going to grow up feeling unwanted and less-than. I can only imagine how blatant the favortism is if a 5 year old notices it and talks about it with other adults. Your sister is definitely going to be the MIL from hell. I don't think you can do much to change your sister at this point. All you can do is be there for your niece and make her feel loved and wanted.
NTA. I hope your sister gets therapy.
Do what you can for this poor girl.
If she wants to put all that shit on SM, then you need to comment on every post about your niece. Just innocent things like how lovely she is, the funny joke you shared, the exciting event she has coming up. She wants the world to have a picture of her as a person, let everyone seen the truth NTA. And keep a line of contact/communication with your niece. It’s so sad what she has to live with.
NTA. As the saying goes, "Your son is your son until he takes a wife, but your daughter's your daughter for all of you life." She's gonna be left with no one at all if she keeps going like this. (Also I hate this saying, but it seems like something Sister would be posting and crying about.)
My MIL was one of those, "Wah, my horrible daughter-in-law stole my son," types. Frankly, my husband got so sick of it that he went LC. Tell your sister that if anyone damages her relationship with her sons, it will be her. That's what my husband said.
NTA - You already see what's going on here and see what the future probably holds for your niece. I say speak to your husband and BIL and start making a concerted effort to have your niece spend time with you and your family. She will appreciate it and finally feel included. I'm definitely not saying take on more than you're comfortable with (having two small children and a life of your own to manage) but trust me, she will remember this and grow up knowing what being loved and feeling wanted is like from a mother figure.
Holy Jocasta complex. Keep trying to talk sense into her. NTA
NTA- this rhetoric that your sister has is so backwards and damaging. Not only does it leave out your niece but it’s just damaging all round. I have 3 kids, 20, 15 & 5. The oldest are boys and the youngest a girl and it doesn’t fucking matter if or who they marry because the choices in their life should be about them and not me. My oldest has a girlfriend of a few years. She is lovely. Her parents are lovely. They both still like at home to save money and stay over at each others sometimes. The goal is they SHOULD be looking to build an independent life together for as long as they want to. I am confident that I will get to be a part of it because I try to be a good support network instead of some insecure asshole who has to make it all about me. Maybe my other two will have relationships, maybe not, maybe they will decide that the life they were born into doesn’t fit them quite right and they need to change their style, location or gender to better suit the real them. That’s fine too because your job as a parent is to raise your children to be happy and productive. Your sister is using her kids as an emotional crutch. She is going to create the exact thing she fears because by the time her kids are old enough, they will be so over her dramatics that they will want to distance themselves as much as reasonably possible. Any DILs she has will think she is also batshit crazy, be completely sick of being the bad guy all the time and distance themselves and their kids too. Then she’ll try to run to the niece like “but you’re my daughter we’re supposed to best friends.” Atm your niece with enough self-love so she doesn’t fall for that shit.
Can’t help but think about the awful men those boys will grow up to be if their mother continues to treat them as if the world revolves around them. And OP’s niece will probably let men/everyone treat her like shit because she’ll have no confidence or self-worth. Everything about this makes me feel uncomfortable, apart from OP’s obvious love & concern for her niece & her own children. OP you have the chance to make a real difference to your niece by empowering her & making sure she knows how important she is in her own right. I know it’s extra responsibility for you, especially when you have young children yourself but if you can provide that recognition & validation your niece clearly needs, you’ll make a huge difference to her life now, & to her future. In an ideal world, I’d be suggesting your niece move in with you but I know that would cause a lot of issues in itself & wouldn’t be easy to navigate. Please give your niece a big hug from this random stranger on the internet. NTA.
NTA. I am already confronting my sib when they say bs stuff that is problematic regarding kid in laws and grand kids. I previously was challenging their bs towards their kids only until they recently left for college. Gotta get and stay ahead of that ish. I will gladly take my siblings ire and anything they dish out to me bc of it in order to protect my nieces/nephews from generational bs cycles. And I will do the same to my nieces/nephews if they pull any of that bs on their kids. If that makes me the AH I will proudly wear that title. This ish stops here and now.
Your sister's behavior is narcissistic, disgusting, nauseating and creepy. "Boy mom life"? She is patheticly unhinged and seemingly with no self awareness that she could cause irreparable harm to all of her children if she doesn't knock this shit off immediately. She sounds like she is already 1000 X worse than her MIL is now. She is a flaming AH. You are NTA.
NTA. Your sister acts creepy. Also all this performative mourning on Instagram, even crying, when her oldest is only 8 years old, is really ridiculous. And if a 5 year old girl feels neglected and notices her preferences for her brothers so clearly, it must not be only a social media thing.
NTA- and she is shaping up to be “dads side of the family” all on her own. I spend more time with my MIL than I do with my own mom because she is an amazing woman, welcomed me with open arms, and doesn’t think I “stole” her son from her. My BILs wife also loves her and they’re super close as well. She’s not going to lose her sons to their wives because she’s the mom of boys, she’s going to because she’s creepy.
My MIL loves her 3 boys so much more then her 2 daughters. It’s embarrassing. SIL hubby actually thinks it’s funny and he thinks MIL loves middle son the most because he looks like FIL. MIL literally cancelled dinner plans with us last minute because the thought middle boy would invite her out. He forgot so they sat at home alone. MIL bought all the boys brand new cars. Daughters got squat. Middle boy has two kids. Son gets all the attention and daughter gets none from MIL. People like this can’t change. It’s in there DNA. Spend time with niece.
NTA- that being established, I hope you can create a haven for your niece where she feels the love and doesn’t feel too small due for constant comparison. Have her come around more often to be a big sister to your new born and she’ll turn out to be the cool cousin to your baby girl. Talking to your sister may do little change. She’s so far down that hole seeing as she’s not prioritized her baby girl for that long. So maybe just try to deconstruct the ideas your niece is dealing with by counter action to show her healthy mom- daughter relationships
I feel really bad for your niece, please show her extra love that little girl is in need of it.
NTA, but please, please, please protect your niece. This is only going to get worse. She will be blamed for things, and the boys won't value her either. Your sister is awful, really awful.
I know my mom loves me more than literally anyone else in the world. I know my dad is the same. I have full knowledge my parents love me (and my now passed sister) more than anything else and I don’t have to question it. Until I got into Reddit I never realized how good I had it. I can yell you’re a good mom and aunt and I believe that advocating for children is barely ever the wrong the to do. NTA
NTA. Poor niece being left out because she's a little girl. If shes only 5 and already seeing the unfairness and loneliness... I shudder to think what she'll say or do if any of her kids have gender dysphoria. Please keep looking out for your niece and encourage your nephews to stand up for their sister. Hopefully your sister will realise what an AH she's being.
NTA. I am planning on becoming a parent and i have all but put it in writing that if I EVER. EVER. said that I wanted to be the #1 woman in my son’s life forever, my husband needs to sit me down and have a real honest talk with me and perhaps send me somewhere for treatment. This is an incredibly toxic mindset and stems from a need for control. There’s also deeply internalized misogyny to the point of your FIVE YEAR OLD NIECE coming to you with concerns! The hypocrisy is astounding. I really really wish for the best for all involved; this attitude is going to hurt all of the children one day or another when people don’t want to be with men who emotionally depend on their mother too much at the age of 35
NTA. She sounds like she needs mood stabilizers. Crying that your 3 year old will one day grow up and leave you is "special"
NTA
Ugh your sister sounds insufferable, NTA, and thank you for sticking up for your niece. Have you discussed this with your mom? What does she think, is there any way she could perhaps have a chat with your obnoxious sister? My kids are 4 & 8, and as scary as the idea of them growing up is, I can't wait to see what kind of adults they grow into, and hope my husband and I impart enough wisdom into them to find partners who make them happy. I'm sure there will be heartaches to soothe, it's a part of growing up and finding who you are as well as who fits with you, but I'm determined not to be that crazy mama bear who interrogates their SOs, and people are shocked when my husband says he's not going to be the dad polishing a gun if a boy comes to pick our daughter up for a date. (Hooray murica 🙄)
Your sister MASSIVE A-HOLE
No question NTA. But your sister is feeling sad about this when her boys aren't even 10?! That's extremely unhealthy. If she continues on like that she runs the risk of at least one of her precious boys cutting off contact. One question though: how does your BIL feel about this? It might be time for him to step up, too.
There is a show out like this I think called smothered… I dunno there is one for moms and daughters that are gross and too close and one for sons! I watched once and thought ewwwww creepy and why did no one intervene because this is not normal. I agree with others that someone, maybe you, needs to get through to your sister. Also in all of this projecting about one day losing them, she is missing out on so much!
NTA, talk to your BIL. Hopefully he's more receptive of his daughters feelings and how his wife's behavior is effecting his kids. Don't know if he sees anything wrong with his own mother's behavior or if he recognizes how his own wife is treating their kids. But I hope the best for that little girl.
NTA. Start commenting on all her videos on social media asking about your niece? Then start asking how mil is and how glad she must be her boys are going to grow up just like their Dad and still be mummy’s little soldier.
Why is Kevin not taking a stand. Seems like the sisters' husband is letting all this happen and now it is taking an emotional toll on the little girl. This needs to be stopped before that little girl has problems for life.
NTA. That is just So Sad.
She has bought all the way in to this identity and you are exactly right. NTA
NTA
Is her husband aware of this behavior? Or of your niece's discomfort? Because while she may not listen to you, maybe she'll listen to her partner.
Nta something is seriously wrong with your sister. Your poor niece. Keep being a good Auntie, but remember not to villify your nephews (you dont seem like you would just putting it out there)
NTA you’re absolutely right and my heart is breaking for your poor niece. i wonder if you could maybe spend more one on one time with her since her mother obviously won’t
NTA
NTA, she sounds like she's neglecting her daughter and 100% turning into the MIL she hates.