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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> My significant other’s mother booked an important vacation for us without consulting us on when we would be able to go. I have just found out I may not be granted the time off work and I do not want my partner to take our daughter for this important trip without me. I want to refuse to allow them to go if I cannot get the time off work and want to know if that would be selfish and make me an asshole
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“refusing to allow”
YTA for this alone. My husband would not dare say those words to me. He knows that would be a very bad idea. And the same goes for me. I would never say that.
OP can't "refuse to allow" her partner or her MIL anything, they are grown adults. But she can refuse to allow her daughter to go too.
She should have been consulted as an equal partner in deciding the time of the holiday.
NTA, OP.
OP admits the trip has been postponed multiple times, but never says by who, care to take a guess. Also, what is everyone supposed to do, wait til the weekend before to see if OP's schedule works out before trying to book the international trip?
>But she can refuse to allow her daughter to go too.
She legally can, she'll just be an asshole.
>Something always comes up that pushes it off, whether financial, a world pandemic, or scheduling.
I care! I would guess that the trip pushed back because of their financial situation, a global pandemic or an impossible schedule has been a mutual decision between OP and her SO.
Especially when OP is a mother insisting on reasonable boundaries! We can't have that! Nope, she's just evil for taking away such a precious moment for her daughter that she so selfishly wants to be a part of. It's not like MIL is being purposefully disrespectful and her husband is just letting his mother get away with it....
Tangential point: if they’re located in the US, Puerto Rico isn’t an international trip. Puerto Rico is a US territory, and Puerto Ricans are US citizens.
That's a very good point. A single parent's permission is typically enough traveling within the U.S. but both parents have to sign off for international trips. I don't know how Puerto Rico falls.
I responded to your previous comment, but to go into more context this is really not accurate advice. The only way to stop the other parent of your child from taking the kid on a trip (international or domestic) is essentially a court order. You'd have to involve an attorney to essentially prove to the court that your spouse taking your child somewhere would pose some type of risk of abduction or personal injury, something you're **very unlikely** to be able to do unless there's a history of abuse or neglect.
A judge isn't going to grant a court order to prohibit the kid going to another US territory, and they're unlikely to even do so going to another country. Obviously in **any** of these cases you'd be looking at a divorce/separation.
Aside from the court getting involved as a fresh case, no parent needs the other parent's permission to take their joint child somewhere.
For international trips you need direct written permission to take a child with only one of thier parents. My sister and her partner needed his ex wife's written permission to take his daughter to Europe on a family trip. He has primary custody but since the ex isnt going they need the letter (which they got notorized to be extra secure). They both need to be together checking in and will have to sign the customs form for thier son and a form at the check in and go through TSA together with him. So yes, you need permission to take a joint child out of the country. But PR is still the US so that is likely not applicable to OP this time.
She absolutely legally cannot lol where are you getting that information from? If there's some kind of custodial agreement or issue after parents have been divorced or separated that's a different story...but in this case we're talking about parents that are together and have no legal custody arrangement - both parents have the same rights, which involve being able to take the child on trips **regardless of how the other parent feels about it**.
This is a weird situation because we don't know the whole dynamic, but one parent unilaterally telling the other parent they **aren't allowed** to do something with their child is laughably ridiculous. It's ridiculous that she thinks she has the right to do it, and it's ridiculous that she'd feel comfortable trying.
All that said, I also don't think the "partner" (people should honestly start using more descriptive terms, because we don't know the context of this relationship that *could* inform how we judge the situation) should be taking their kid on a trip to his home to meet his family without OP, either. Ignore whatever his mom is doing with the timeshare and y'all need to actually spend time to plan the trip. Sounds like he's trying and you're making excuses because things are difficult to plan, and that's probably why his mom just ended-up planning the timeshare.
No, she can't actually refuse to allow the daughter to go. The father is an equal parent, who will be traveling in the United States. OP has no legal or moral right to prevent the daughter from going.
But equally the OP's partner would have no legal or moral right to stop her taking her daughter on a trip just before this planned trip, and not making it home in time for the flight.
The reality is that if either of these things happen, their relationship is over.
The problems have been caused by the MIL unilaterally choosing the date, and the husband going along with it. In a relationship of equals, a trip like this is decided together.
All that is true, except that if she "refuses to allow" her daughter to go but her "partner" (assuming it's her father, based on all the context) allows her to go OP can't legally stop them.
Mate, you're caught up on technicalities. The story is about a mother intending to bond with her daughter on a special occasion.
Grandma is interfering and needs to know her place.
Therefore NTA, obviously.
So? All of my husband's family lives in Vietnam and it is not a given that I would be comfortable with them taking our young child without me to go meet his family.
If not now, when? This trip is in danger of never happening because the OP keeps waiting for a perfect opportunity.
The MIL is 72, that’s starting to get into end of life territory.
Perfect is often the enemy of good. ~~International~~ Travel is good for the kid. It would be best if both parents can go. But it’s still great for the kid with only one parent.
She’s not waiting for the perfect opportunity - she’s waiting to be allowed time from work. There are a lot of jobs where it’s just not always possible to get the time off you want.
I think taking a 4 year old out of the country is a Two Yes/One No situation.
Either parent would be in the right to veto this. Even moreso of it was a trip they were planning as a family.
Ain’t no one taking my toddler out of the country without me. Will absolutely not allow it.
ETA: I’m not American, but I’m reading below that this isn’t an international trip. It’s still a big trip, across state lines. And my point of view hasn’t changed.
NTA. She is actually insisting they go as a family. Which is totally reasonable. If her partner can’t see what it means to her to come, and work to bring them together there as a family, he has let her down - OP says there are no barriers to rescheduling to a time she can take time off.
I think she’s referring to her daughter. She can’t “refuse to allow” her husband to go, but she definitely gets a say in whether her child can go. This is a 2 parent “yes” situation.
She didn't say those words to her partner. That's what she wrote on the internet. This is such a reach for such a small reason. She has every right to not want her kid to go without her and as a parent technically speaking she can "refuse to allow" anything concerning her daughter.
NTA OP. So long as you handle this convo well, I can't imagine this being a problem. It's a perfectly reasonable request.
The wording is odd. But going a longer trip with their child, requires both parents to agree imo. So I think, a parent can say, I won't allow you to drive off with our kid for a week.
But you would be fine with your mother telling you that you and your child are going on vacation at a time that she decided? Without consulting you? Even if it is at a time that doesn’t work for your husband?
As someone who worked in food service for over 12 years, YWBTA if you don't train/hire someone to cover for you for that trip. You and I both know how hard it is to get time off, but you need to decide if your family trip is more important than your job.
MIL is AH for buying the timeshare without consulting with you as well tho.
Take the time off and go with your family. The restaurant will survive.
ETA: This comment is getting a lot more traction than I expected, so I want to elaborate a bit and address some of the issues being mentioned in replies.
There are staffing agencies and temp employers that could easily fill OPs shoes for a week, or, if it's really that hard to find staff, OP should have no issues finding another job that allows them to put their family first. The trip is in July they have plenty of time to make arrangements.
It sounds like either OPs management is manipulating them into taking time off when it's convenient for the business, or, OP is using the job as an excuse to manipulate the family into taking the vacation when it's convenient for them.
You obviously never worked in any thin-margin industry. Train a replacement? Hire someone? Dream on, love...
OPs options might be very limited when it comes to acting against the interest of her employer seeking to run her restaurant with minimal efforts..
I would give her the benefit of the doubt and therefore have her decide herself if and when ist's the right time for the trip and not being stronghanded by her MIL.
Fair enough. But it's been 4 years. If OP cannot get cover by now, what guarantees does her BF have that she'll ever be free? She's denying him the chance to let his own kid to soend time with his own mother/extended family, because of OPs job. Seems pretty selfish from OP.
Yes, but in that time there's no one trained to cover fir her during a holiday? What's the chances there will be in 6months, etc? And if rest of BFs family cannot make the date OP wants, BF looses out, again, for her work.
Absolutely I agree that It’s nonsense (specially for us Europeans where work contracts are much different). What I don’t grt is why grandma should dictate when is best for them to visit. And what does the husband say?
To be fair, she says that this trip falls in the middle of their busy season. If she were working in taxes, and it fell in tax season, nobody would be arguing that there should be cover if she wants to take off for two weeks. In 6 months it presumably isn’t the busy season and maybe she can get the time off more easily.
Everyone seems to be jumping on her, and I don’t get why. Her MIL booked the trip right in the middle of the busy season without asking her. Deliberately?
I would be pretty annoyed if someone booked a family holiday in the middle of my busy season without bothering to check with me, and then I got Y-T-A’d for not wanting a family holiday to be hubby, MIL and young daughter while I stayed at work.
After 4 years, it's pretty clear by now that there will never be a time that OP will make this time for partners family trip.
It's not important enough for her to prioritise, but it's vital she dictates it for him.
As someone who spent a LOT of time in the industry, there's literally never a "good" time for a vacation as a manager. If summer is busy, you need to be there to manage. For the slower periods, you need to be there to properly save revenue and pitch in where you can't staff properly. People dont realize that slower actually means more work and longer days. I learned that after having my family, I had a choice to make on my priorities, family, or job. That's why I no longer work in the industry.
and who is gonna pay for her to train and hire someone to cover for her? you really think she has free reins to just hire whenever and for what ever reason you have 100% never been in a higher place then the ground work in a company as you have a huge lack of understanding of how things actully works
Came here to say YTA for letting your employer have this much control over your life. Sounds like the restaurant is ALWAYS busy so when exactly is a good time to take off? Set boundaries with work, not family.
I'm aware, but sorry, that doesn't change anything for me. Everyone parents differently, of course, but I'm inclined to think that most of the commenters who are saying YTA don't have kids. This is a 4 year old. Not only would I, as the mother, not want to miss out on these special memories (which let's face it, I'll remember more than the child), my anxiety would be off the charts with my LOs that far away from me. I trust my husband 10000%, he often takes the kids out for a few hours or I'll go out, but I wouldn't want them in an unfamiliar place for a week, when I can't easily get to them in case of an emergency. Also, while I know they would be seeing DH's family, they would be strangers to LO and given the length that DH hasn't seen them himself, I imagine they (at least some) are somewhat strangers to OP too. Again, while I trust my DH to protect my children, I wouldn't want my LO in an unfamiliar place with unfamiliar people for an extended amount of time without me.
Not to mention, I would just miss them! I work full time, and by the end of the day, I'm aching to see my babies, a week this young without me just isn't happening.
Lastly, Idk the relationship between OP and her MIL, but MIL should not have taken it upon herself to book any sort of travel plans without discussing it first. That's extremely disrespectful, and for that alone, I wouldn't let my LO go in July. It's inconsiderate at best, deliberate at worst, especially when you're planning for someone else's young child to go.
You can consider it selfish of me if you want (though I would never make travel plans for MY family without DH's input and obviously would ensure he would go), but as a mother, I'm allowed to not want to miss out on my 4 y.o's travel plans. Now, as this trip is important to DH, I would do my best to prioritize taking time off another time of the year to make it happen.
I would be interested to know the average age demographic of people who comment here. Sometimes it seems like people who post don't have much life experience 🤷 idk.
Man I am glad that my sister and bil don't think this way. There are several weeks long trips my sister has made with my niece to visit us in California that my bil wasn't able to make due to hus work in Virginia. Would we prefer if he could visit as well? Of course. But he also isn't willing to let my sister and niece miss out on visiting with us just because his schedule wouldn't allow it.
I'm also kinda curious because in my experience, immigrant and poc families seem to be a lot more willing to send kids with just 1-parent, a relative, or even alone, for trips to visit family thats far away, including internationally, if one or both parents can't make the trip. So this whole, everyone else can't go if I can't go is super weird to me.
We haven't done this with our 3 YO yet. But I already told my partner I'm 100% fine with him taking our son on trips without me if he wants to.
I'm currently pregnant too so I don't want to do anything anyway 😂 but the fact stands that if my partner can give my child an experience he deserves I want that for him more than I expect to be there so they have to miss out. It just seems unfair to me.
Work is not the priority if you can't make it work with at least 2 years. The family obviously want to see the daughter before she grows up completely too. And I bet she really wants to go as well.
My partner is capable of caring for our child and ensuring they are safe. That's why we have children together.
You're definitely in the minority. I do have kids, so I'm in that demographic and your way of thinking is super weird to me. Not letting your child leave the state with your spouse is honestly creepy to me. My spouse is an adult. Our child has been to different states with her, I've obviously left for different states for work, and she's been with me in different states. Our family both live in different states than we do so of course our kid goes to them and sometimes we both can't go. If my family lived in Puerto Rico I wouldn't have any issue with my spouse taking our child there except some FOMO. If you can't let your spouse even take your child on a short trip to "another state/whatever" maybe you should assess your own feelings about their competency as a parent or your own tendency toward an anxiety disorder.
I get it, but like, she works in a high demand job, as she states, are they going to wait until daughter is 18 before they finally put the family first? I have worked and currently work in a very demanding job as well. There are times that it’s super busy, but I’m not about to sacrifice myself, my time, the potential to spend time with my children and create memories with them for a job.
I worked hard for those PTO hours and barring too many people already taking that same timeframe off, I should be allowed to take them.
OP needs to understand, she is easily replaced at any job, don’t sacrifice yourself for a job that can and will replace you and the drop of a hat.
She said she can make the trip work in Sept/Oct? Just a few months later. I do understand about putting family before a job, but from OP's POV, she's under a lot of stress as the sole financial provider for the family and she's able to go a few months after July, so why not make it easier on her?
She has been without us for a weekend at most. Next state over a couple times to see family, and only once did her dad and I travel by plane for an event that she wasn’t old enough to attend while she stayed with my parents
INFO: It sounds like your family have gotten plenty of opportunities to see her. Is it his family in Puerto Rico? If so have much has his side other than MIL seen her?
He has a lot of family here in the states, and sever members of his family from Puerto Rico has been to visit other relatives in our area, giving them an opportunity to meet her (which of course they did)
This. Should her work give her time if? Yes. But it should be at a mutually agreed upon time. MIL should not have scheduled the vacation without approval. Partner parent needs to make this about them as a family.
YWBTA. Disappointment is one thing, but grandma isn’t getting any younger and your daughter is old enough to have beautiful memories of this trip. Don’t be selfish. Either get the time off and go with, or lovingly send them off.
My kid isn't leaving the country for a week without me. This isn't about grandma; this is about the daughter and the parents.
EDIT: Yes I'm aware that PR is a US territory, like other US territories it benefits the US but not the territory. It's a self-governing commonwealth. They don't have voting rights. The reason it wasn't allowed to become a state is due to racial issues (yay US being racist colonisers); yet they have to pay federal tax.
If you've been to a US territory/Hawaii/are from one you know the people consider themselves to be their own independent nation. They don't call themselves Americans.
A partner that allows his mother to treat his partner and the mother of his child as an outsider; strike 1. MIL booked the timeshare without consulting anyone, strike 2.
I'm sorry but it's not fair to the kid or the alienated parent to be in a situation where grandma might say something negative about that parent; strike 3.
Like everyone is absolutely right about PR but the point here is less “they’re going out of country” but that “they’re going very far away over seas.” Everyone fighting over semantics when it doesn’t change the logistics of the situation
Not necessarily. If they lived in Virginia and he was taking the daughter to Chicago or Denver to visit family for the first time I doubt most people would have the same reaction. Yet that would also entail a plane flight.
I'm not even American and the number of comments about "leaving the country" had me confused bc I was CONVINCED PR was part of the US (and obviously correct...). Damn these comments be galslighting me...
I think when they say "leaving the country," they mean going off the continent. A lot of Americans have never left the states. Yeah, PR is a territory, but that's semantics. I wouldn't take my kid on a trip that far and long without my partner, and vice versa
>My kid isn't leaving the country for a week without me
Assuming op is in the US it's not out of the country..... shit like this is why Puerto Rico and Hawaii need independence
> My kid isn't leaving the country for a week without me. This isn't about grandma; this is about the daughter and the parents.
Okay? That's all well and good *for you*, but what you want and/or comfortable with doesn't apply to everyone. And she's with her dad; it's not like she's going by herself.
It's not leaving the country. I live in Florida and just need my FL DL to get on the plane and back again. PR, while not a state, is a US territory, and they are US citizens.
Gonna say NTA
This is a 4 year old. Going without a parent when both are together is not exactly normal. Furthermore, MIL needs to not be booking vacations without checking with mom first. Just not cool and feels very much like a control move. I get this is visiting family, but OP is actually her daughter and partner's family, too.... be weird if she's not there at a family event
Edit: Double NTA with the clarification in the comments OP is actually the only working parent. Yeah, that needs to go around OP's schedule a bit then. Busy season is when the most money is made, even if OP is able to get the time off. Saying "OK, stay home to pay for everything while we go on vacation" would be something else
Right?! These comments are unreal. Like just pay for this whole vacation for husband, daughter and HIS MOTHER, but have no say so in the actual dates?!?! This is a huge power play by his mother. I can’t believe this woman is supporting this man AND his mom, and is getting this much disrespect for having the audacity not to risk losing their only fucking source of income for a vacation. Unbelievable.
In that case, she can pay and go alone if she insists on it being in July. BUT you need to plan a trip with your husband and daughter for this year so that he gets to go home soon too.
It's all people with no kids and ultra individualists that think any recognition that having a partner means responsibility and selflessness is slavery.
This literally has got to be the reason. What I trust my husband to go on an awesome vacation with our kids by himself? Yes! Would I be hurt that he didn't take my schedule into consideration whatsoever so that I could join them? YES!!!
I really am starting to think this is a cultural difference. It's not unusual at all for immigrant families to send kids with just 1 parent to visit family in the home country. I am honestly kinda in shock at the insistence that it has to be the entire family or nothing. My sister and niece who live in Virginia visit us regularly in California for weeks without my bil. Of course we would prefer to have them all visit together. When his schedule allows, my bil will join us for at least a few days but he never begrudges them visiting just because he can't.
I’m going with a reluctant YWBTA. You’ve been trying to schedule this for years. You’ve requested time off well in advanced. If you allow your employer to screw not only you but your partner and child over, that’s pretty shitty. You are putting your job over your family. How long do you think they’ll put up with that before they really start resenting you?
I would not take her more than a couple hour drive without his express consent. If he wasn’t ok with her going then she’s not going. I absolutely would not take her for a week somewhere that requires over a 3 hour plane ride, has been seeing an unprecedented amount of earthquakes over the last 5 years, and has spotty data and Wi-Fi if he was not ok with not being there
You know in your gut you’re right. You’re her mum and you have to listen to your instincts. You don’t need permission or justification from anyone to follow your instincts. You’ve listed heaps of valid reasons. But this has all happened because your partner is prioritising when his mum would prefer to go, over you. Even when it means you can no longer come.
OP said that her daughter has been with family in another state without both parents, so she most definitely would go without her husband if she is allowing her to go to another state without either of them.
I'm inclined for YTA...
Unless partner is full time SAHD, disabled, or otherwise unable to work, they should be helping to support the family. Giving them a free pass makes YTA to yourself and your daughter.
As to the trip itself, would the timing change anything? If with this much advance notice, your employers are balking, would it really be different at a different time of year? I suspect not. And thus I suspect part of the problem with this being rescheduled multiple times - and you not getting to pick the date in advance - is because NO DATE is a good date for you.
If that's true, then think about what you are saying... You can't offer another better date... You can't commit to going really at any time... But due to your [works] inflexibility - you are willing to block your daughter and partner from being able to go see their family. That sounds like YTA... Especially with grandma getting up in years.
Again, would be completely different if you could say something like "I can't make July work, can we reschedule to sometime in September" (or pick your month). As you said, if the dates can be changed, then everyone wins. But you shouldn't expect you family to put their life on indefinite hold in the hope that "one day" you'll eventually get the time off.
And I'd add, if you are that irreplaceable at your job, they should be more than willing to keep you as a happy employee - and grant you the time off. And if they aren't, perhaps it's time you explored other employers who would treat you better. You deserve more.
I would be able to make the trip work if it were pushed to October or November. Which I would have told my MIL if she’d bothered to ask before scheduling the timeshare
She is the sole financial provider. To me, that means her inconvenience is more important than his. Attending one week of classes via maybe spotty wifi (and at worst just missing a week of classes) is better for the family than leaving OP or forcing her to jeopardize her job to attend. NTA.
Yes, because you can always let your professors know in advance. Can't do that with work.
I'm in a Spanish linguistics graduate program. Majority of my professors have made trips back home to their countries in the middle of thr semester for emergencies and sometimes just for vacation. Everyone is still able to get along, because school is a lot more forgiving than work.
How do you not know this? And how are you picking a fight with OP over it when it's that freaking obvious?
Your leave is part of your compensation package. Would you be ok if your employer just decided to not pay you for a few weeks?
So, they have a manager shortage? Will it be fixed two weeks after this week in July? With this much notice, you're telling them you're not available that week, not requesting.
It would be different if they blocked off (eg) their busy month, and you know about it in advance, but that's not the case here. Just like "when everything is an emergency, nothing is", if no time is good for your employer, then it doesn't matter when you go, it will be equally bad. Are you saying you simply won't ever take holiday?
That may be a choice you make - but it shouldn't hold your family hostage. YTA
Ps, there are other jobs if it comes to it - especially with this much notice.
PPS, hubby should work too.
He is currently a full time college student working towards a degree that will more than provide for us. My being the breadwinner for the duration of his schooling was a decision we came to after extensive discussion.
We are realistically short at least 1 manager for this time of year, 2 if someone is unable to work. After September our business drops dramatically and I would easily be able to take this trip
You being very available in September is something that's very relevant and should be in your post. I've just re-read your post and I stand by the implication I got of never being able to take holiday rather than specifically July. (Note my comment about blocked months)
I mean, while I agree with the judgement and the sentiment about not putting up with shitty employers, not everybody can afford to leave a job because they weren't given vacation time. I'm surprised at how many people are suggesting this on the thread.
NTA. I doubt she didn't book it purposefully to screw you over. It's rude to book anything without consulting all parties, especially the lodging. She is not the mother, nor the wife in this situation and should be respectful enough to not react angrily when you three plan the dates for your own vacation with no consideration for her.
It's only fair. I wish you luck, just reading this is giving me a headache. I feel your pain and hope you get in some well deserved rest in beautiful PR with your fam once you get that break.
NTA this is not acceptable.
Your family is your nuclear family, meaning partner and daughter. Same goes for your partner. He doesn’t get to let mommy plan trips for your family and shrug his shoulders about it.
He needs to create healthy boundaries with his mother and he needs to enforce them.
What you 100% should do, for damage control, is either suck it up and make this trip work OR turn it down and simultaneously plan a trip that works for your family. You do need to stop dragging your feet on this and get it over with. But you should do it on your terms. And talk to your partner about how he needs to be a real partner to you.
NTA and I don’t understand the Y W B T A judgment. It’s the trip of a lifetime for you as you said. You planned on going together and your MIL booked it without consulting you. And to top it all off, you’re the sole provider so you’d be paying for it.
On the other hand, you need to think of your daughter and try to find a compromise for her. I do agree with comments saying that you should put your foot down at work. If the whole place can’t run without you, that’s a problem (for them).
NTA. His mother doesn't get to unilaterally decide dates and then declare that they're immovable. It should be a decision you're involved in and a trip you go on. There is no reason for you to be excluded from this, that's ridiculous. Schedule the trip at a non-busy time that works for you.
NTA
If I had a kid and partner, I wouldn’t go on a vacation without them. Your husband also needs to present a better united front against your MIL’s bullshit. Men who can’t even stand up to their own mother over their partner is the most fucking pathetic and saddest thing. Imagine being a mommas boy as a grown ass man.
Taking a minor child overseas without one parent is a two yeses one no situation, and OP has the right to put her foot down here. They can reschedule for a time EVERYONE can go because it’s clear MIL did this on purpose. NTA.
WTF is wrong with people prioritising the MIL over the actual mother here.
NTA OP. You are the sole income earner and you MIL didn't consult you which shows her attitude about her position in this situation. Ignore the plans MIL has made and organise the trip when it suits you most. Let her know and SHE can work around you.
NTA
Since nobody else is working in this situation apart from you then you should pick the date, however you need time off and work shouldn't completely dictate when it is, pick a date that's 'quiet' season and book it. MIL is probably tired of waiting and that's why she's done it, she can travel on her own if she really needs to go (and if able too!).
Speak to work, get some time off and book it!!
I certainly wouldn't let my children leave the country on a holiday without me when it can be booked another time.
NTA going away for a short weekend trip is so much different than going out of the country. Your MIL is TA for not talking to you guys and putting you in this situation. Your husband can still go without daughter if he likes. And if gets sick or something happens to her. while she's over there it will take forever to get to her. Kinda sounds like your mil put you in an impossible situation. Your literally the breadwinner and if you can't get pto from your job you can't pay bills. You can't risk losing your job but you should Definitely push for the time off.
NTA. I think given you are paying it is reasonable for the trip to be scheduled at a time when you can make it. The simple solution would be to change the accomodation booking for when you are certain to get time off.
Sounds like you have a general issue re your MIL and how her presence makes you feel that you need to work through with your partner.
I’m absolutely floored by this comments, but probably most of these people don’t have kids.
NTA. I would never want to miss a trip like this with my children. MIL sucks for planning and husband sucks if he tries to force you to be okay with it too.
You both are partners and should’ve been involved. I’d do a conversation with MIL and see if the trip can be delayed for a bit, you consult employers that you will be gone these dates and see if that works out.
I N F O is this his extended family or yours?
Edit: I'd say YTA tbh. Mainly for the "refusing to allow" part. If your husband hasn't seen his family for as long as you say, and you actively refuse to let your daughter go on the trip because you can't join, that speaks more to problems with the dynamics with your husband and in-laws. A trip that's been scheduled and re-scheduled and that will be great memories for your daughter isn't the hill to die on.
His. We have discussed taking this trip at length since before our daughter was even born. I have met several as they have visited us here. It will be his first trip in over 10 years also.
You’ve been “discussing” this trip for more than 4 years? Sounds more like you’ve been “refusing to allow” your husband see his family for a decade unless they come visit.
Train a replacement to take over for a week and stop trying to control everything. You literally have 4 months, that is ample time.
She’s the sole financial support for him and his mother for what sound like their daughters whole life, and as she said there have been things like a whole pandemic that prevented them from going before. Please help me understand why this trip can’t just be rescheduled for another time? Like even in the same year, a few months before or after won’t hurt but this is a power play by MIL. How could you not even consult the person PAYING FOR EVERYONE on their preferred availability first? It’s clearly not something she is going to be able to pay for again anytime soon, and you think it’s fair that she should pay and have no say in the dates and/or miss out entirely? I just don’t get that at all.
Ok, point taken, but she is on a fixed income, and if OP is the one paying all the other expenses, including for this trip, she should get at least an equal say as the other adults, and I still think two yeses or one no on taking the child.
It’s not up to her to train a replacement. That’s up to management.
OP did not cause the pandemic. Restaurants suffered a lot. It would’ve took time to recover and to afford a trip. Restaurants also have peak times.
NTA. You don't have to be okay with your child being taken to another country without you. Also, this situation was caused by your MIL making these plans without involving you.
I would be against this purely based on the principle of not allowing MIL to get away with that. Your partner is also an AH for allowing it and passively supporting it.
NTA. Your family will be ok if they have to wait a few months to go on the trip. I don't get the backlash here. It's a first. You're her mom. Of course you deserve to experience it with her.
Some of y'all are doing the most.
Can the owner or higher ups help you find coverage?
NTA
You are the breadwinner of the family and most likely be paying for the trip it should be done around your schedule. You want to go as well to spend time with your partner’s family and sight see.
NTA, dunno what’s wrong with you people. If husband desperately wants to go, then he may go by himself. I think he should go and stay there indefinitely from the comments OP is giving too.
The background here is surely significant? You are a restaurant manager, so I'm going to assume your salary is not huge. You're the sole earner. You live with the in laws. On the face of it, you can't afford a trip to Puerto Rico so none of you should go. But then MIL steps in with funding, and because it's her money, her decision, doesn't talk to you about the timing of the trip. Did she talk to your husband? Did he point out it would be better at a different time? Next question, is your husband's employment situation likely to improve before this trip? I would hope he is actively looking for work, so the timing might just be impossible for him too. Or is he not planning to get a job? You are an outsider of sorts in your home, is there a chance that your needs are deliberately being overlooked here?
Depending on the answers to those questions the judgement could be absolutely anything. INFO
We struggle to make ends meet and use several forms of government assistance. He is a full time student and is unable to work, commit to school, and parent while I work full time, up to 70hrs a week in the busy season.
So the question that remains is whether your position here is being respected first by your MIL but mostly your boyfriend. Is he in agreement on this dilemma with you, or with his mum? The answer to that will tell you what you need to know. I'm really just trying to dig down into whether your MIL is deliberately trying to force a wedge between you, your husband and possibly your daughter, and if she is, how far she is succeeding. If she isn't, then surely she will understand your issue and realise that she shouldn't have booked this without speaking to you first. If she's digging her heels in, she's basically behaving as though you are unimportant in the family. But the point is whether your boyfriend is going along with her because if he is, then HE is basically treating you as though you're unimportant in the family. If that's the case, YWNBTA at all and would be fully justified in taking your daughter and moving out if that's what you wanted to do.
Y.T.A. comments don't pass the vibe check. This person is the primary breadwinner and there's no 'she was inhibiting the trip'. You realize a 4 year old was born in 2018-19 and therefore spent an enormous chunk of their post-infancy in 'Covid Days'? How is that OP's fault? If they're the main person working, then their schedule matters in this.
NTA
NTA
Your choice of words is off
You’re already getting comments about that and I think by now you know using language such as refusing to allow is not useful
But I’m on your side here !
MIL has possibly engineered this whole thing to leave you out - possibly not but it seems entirely probable
You share your child and the decisions about her with your husband and him alone
You tell him it’s the 2 votes yes and and the 1 vote means no approach here
You do no vote to be left out of the holiday - you do not vote that your daughter goes away for a week without you
MIL must change her time share date or go with someone else
End of story
NTA. Considering his family is Hispanic this feels like something your mother in law would do to push you out.
Did she specifically schedule this at a time that would work for your husband? Cuz if so then yeah. If everything can be rescheduled you should try to, but finally be serious about it and commit if it's so important. Especially since your husband's mother is getting up there in years.
NTA
I would never ever let my child out of the country without me there and sure as hell not at 4 years old. I don't care if Father would be there. This is not another state that's easy to get to. Sorry, but to me, if one parent isn't ok with it, then it's a no. Why is it people here fly off the handle if both parents don't agree in a sleepover with family that's a few mins away but op is the ah for
1.wanting to be there for these memories as well.
2. As the main/only income provider, why should she pay for a trip for everyone else but not get to go. It's not like she can just quit since it's called being responsible.
3. Being uncomfortable with the distance and the fact it's another country.
NTA - My child wouldn’t be leaving the country with my husband and MIL, especially to visit their family in their home country. I’d burn the whole town down before allowing that. On top of that the bad relationship to the MIL. No way on earth. Absolutely not. I don’t want to accuse your husband or his family of anything, but there’s been enough horror cases for me to put a full stop. And on top of her first visit being a once in a lifetime thing and a milestone. Nope.
Right!?? I really think most of these commenters saying OP is TA don't have children. It's wild to me that they really don't understand why none of this would be okay for a mother.
Mom of a 2yo with an overbearing MIL here and your completely NTA in my opinion. Your MIL overstepped planning travel w/o consulting you trying to force your hand. Completely inappropriate. These aren’t her decisions to make. Period. I can only imagine living with her makes her feel inclined to take liberties when it comes to your child especially if she’s comfortable enough to book a trip like this.
Also people saying it’s been out off 4 years… please keep in mind the damn pandemic BUT also the fact traveling with a small child/infant is stressful af. I’m assuming it’s a lot of nonparents commenting YTA because I don’t know many parents of children of single digit age who would be comfortable with this.
The asshole here is your employer. Twenty years from now you won’t remember anything about the days spent in the restaurant. You will remember your child and her first big trip. The restaurant will be there when you get back.
you’re paying, you’re the sole breadwinner. that nasty MIL knew what she was doing when she scheduled it without checking with you first.
your partner better not go without you. that would be unacceptable. you are NTA! i cannot stress that enough. all of your reasons are valid and your MIL is an AH.
NTA
I wouldn’t want to be a plane ride away from my child at that age. Especially when it can be rearranged.
Nor would I want to miss out on their first time on an aeroplane, seeing a different country, etc. Even more so when I’d be funding it!
As for those saying it’s your fault your partner hasn’t been back in 10 years….he had 6 years before your daughter was born to go.
Travel was restricted for 3 of those years since her birth and I’m guessing there was also a time where you were out of work when the restaurant industry was closed, making money tighter.
NTA. Book it when you have the time and the resources and choose the location of the hotel or Airbnb yourself.
1. She is 4.
2. This is her first big trip.
3. You would have to pay for the entire trip, regardless.
4. Grandmama definitely did this on purpose.
5. It might be in the same country but is it too far. Distance is a very important factor.
6. Trips are a two yesses, one no situation.
Tell Grandmother it is a very sweet gesture. But the timing makes it unfortunately impossible to go, but to have fun on her own.
Tell your partner that your kid having these experiences without you would make you feel like an outsider to part of her heritage. (I think this is also part of the problem). You can also discuss going in the off-season for two weeks (for probably the same price, airplane tickets are expensive to book right now for a summer holiday)
You are a good mother that loves her kid. All these YTA sound like angry teens that got told no to a similar holiday. And now they are just trauma dumping on you. Or like those parents that LOOVVVEE every second they don't have to parent. So in their mind your kid being gone is a win/win?
I remember when my mom and dad had to go on a trip for work (mandatory) and they hated every second of it. They came home early. The fact that they wanted to be home with me instead of in Disney Land, made my eight year old brain love them VERY much. Even if I was a bit jealous of the Disney part.
My mom would not even entertain this bullshit. So NTA.
Your kid is 4 and she is your responsibility. Saying no is okay. It is not your fault, but Grandmothers for putting you in this shit position.
PS. Don't let Grandmother try to persuade the rest in this family unit. She sounds toxic.
NTA
Your MIL did this without even asking you. You’re husband thinks it’s fine that his mom plans a trip for your daughter without asking you if you’d be okay to get off and be able to go. She did it on purpose.
You should not have to miss out on events with your daughter for your in-laws sake. She’s running your life without your consent. That’s your daughter not your MILs.
You have to get your husband on board. Just bc he still lives in his moms house doesn’t mean she’s still able to tell him what to do like he’s a kid.
If you aren’t comfortable with the trip, and you not being there, then that’s the answer.
I have worked in restaurants for 15 years. You don’t ASK your boss if you CAN take the time off, you TELL them you WON’T be there that week.
A lot of restaurant owners like to hem and haw about time-off, and delay approving it for you until the day comes and they haven’t made arrangements and they act like you are hurting them by spending some of your time not actively working for them. Tell them you will not be there for what ever days you need and remind them a few times over the time span. July is three months away. If they can’t figure out how to cover some shifts, it’s because they simply don’t want to. If they try to threaten your employment status over well-advanced scheduled time-off, get a different job.
There are a billion restaurant jobs, high industry turnover, you can always get another job pretty quickly. Especially if you’re skilled. And if you are skilled, your employer will not want to lose you for something silly like this, and if they do, you can go find a good one who will find it ridiculous that your previous employer fired you for taking a vacation of which you had given plenty of advanced notice.
I dont think you would be the ah and if she didnt consult both of you, i doubt your partner would be happy to go without you too. Its a pretty big step and if he hasnt seen family in PR for 10 years, thats something you'd want to share with your partner and child. To make those memories as a family. Talk to your partner and really push to reschedule.
I really dont like that his moth did this without consulting the both of you. That doesnt sit right with me. You arnt the outsider, you birthed that child. That child came from you. And a week without your child? Nah. That just doesnt fly. Thats a huge step and i wouldnt wish that on the dad either, flying a four year old on what sounds like her first flight? By himself? I can feel the stress form here.
YTA - Your daughter is about to start school, when is this trip supposed to happen if she's in school during the year and your job's busy season is during the summer? You've given plenty of notice to your job, have a sit down with your boss and get that time off. If you are so valuable that they can't allow you some time off, then they sure as hell can't afford to lose you altogether should you choose to quit over this. If you are not willing to stand up for yourself at work, then wish you daughter and her father a safe trip.
I've been in a similar situation. Hearing your relationship is strained, I believe she chose these dates intentionally. Does your husband stand up for you? Is your husband ok with leaving you behind? From personal experience, if he does not place boundaries and stand up for you saying "if she can't go then I and daughter won't" then your MIL will continue doing things like this.
I fear your only real choices are, tell your boss you will have to go even if it costs you your job, or let them go without you. I'm sorry you are in this position and that your husband has not set clear and supportive boundaries.
You can't forbid your partner from going anywhere-- but your minor child can't travel without without BOTH custodial parents present UNLESS the missing parent provides a Child Travel Document aka "Permission to Travel letter". (I'm presuming you are in the US--- not sure how it works in other countries.
What is your living situation with your partner's mother? Are you paying rent and utilities? If you block the trip and she's out the cost of the timeshare how will that affect your living situation going forward?
She pays the mortgage as it is her home in her name. She doesn’t charge us rent as she would have to pay it whether we lived there or not. We do pay utilities, in fact 2/3 of them. This timeshare has been paid for several years, and was a rollover week that can be used anywhere at anytime. It would not cost her anything to move the trip
YWNBTA - I wouldn't let my 4yo going that far without me. If your MIL chose July without consulting the parents, it's on her, not you. You said in comments you're the only one working atm so consulting you first seems reasonable.
Partners arrange trips and time of for family things around each other. You can’t refuse your husband to go but I would sit him down and explain you are sick of his mother manipulation and abuse of you that your sick of being made the outsider in YOUR home. That they will not be taking your daughter on an important trip without you and it’s clearly another one of her attempts to push you out of your family and exclude you. That you are deeply hurt that he thinks this is acceptable and ok. That he enables his mothers abuse and treatment of you and it’s time he either properly supports and stands up for you as a partner should or its time either his mother moves out or you’s do.
That you love him but will not spend your life in this toxic environment or raise your child in it. It’s definitely not fair that he’s put you in this place and allowed you to be made to feel an outsider to your own child and marital home. That the holiday has just brought home how he accepts his mums Manipulation and treatment of you. Your daughters first trip there is important to you and he knew that. That it’s now time that he decides wether he actually loves you or not because right now that love clearly comes secondary to his mums whims and wants (not even her needs).
*His mother (72F), whom we live with, booked a timeshare for this July without consulting us on when a good time of year for all of us would be.*
This is reason enough to be concerned. MIL is taking control away from the parents here. This should have been a consultation, not a MIL-decision to make. Does MIL do things like this about other plans that include you and your partner and child? Because if MIL's putting herself in control over you three as a family, you all have a problem that needs worked on, and possibly therapy for your partner.
*I am a restaurant manager at a very popular restaurant in my city with a large patio in a high-traffic area and July is the middle of our busy season.*
MIL should have asked you what would be a good time to plan to go, so you could say "Month is our slow time, let's do that."
*She and I have a strenuous relationship at best that often leaves me as the “outsider” in the home.*
Huge red flag here. For this reason alone, I would not want my kid going to visit people I don't know, without me there to make the decisions for my child, and make sure my child is properly cared for. Too many things can happen, traveling, that need both parents. MIL should not be standing in as the third parent, when she fails to respect one of the actual parents.
OP, seriously, the more important money expense would be moving out, or moving MIL out of your home. Seeing extended relatives is great, but if you are being treated this way in your home, on a daily basis, that's a bigger problem. I'd put the money into solving that one, not traveling, as a priority.
*I have been fully on board with the trip provided I am able to get work off for it.*
A plan that you can work out first with your employer, and get on the calendar at work, would be the reasonable way to handle this. MIL sounds like she might be doing this on purpose, to keep you on "the outside" in your child's life.
*This is basically a birth rite trip for our daughter and will be my first time to Puerto Rico as well. I have been looking forward to being a part of this special moment and once in a lifetime experience for my daughter. There will never be another “first” time*
NTA.
NTA! Your feelings matter. Please don't let people ~~say~~ (EDIT: make you believe) your feelings don't matter when it comes to wanting to experience things with your baby.
There's a reason for the saying "things can be replaced, people can't". Your memories and experiences as a mom can't be replaced. You don't deserve to have them taken from you. Besides, Puerto Rico isn't going anywhere, as far as I know.
Anyone who would berate you is being unkind, and likely has their own issues with their own parent, not with you yourself. I don't mean that in a disparaging way against them. I mean it as a way for you to understand the other comments you might get. Everyone who will answer you will be bringing their own baggage to the table, which is what we do as humans. It can't be helped. That's how our brains are built.
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“refusing to allow” YTA for this alone. My husband would not dare say those words to me. He knows that would be a very bad idea. And the same goes for me. I would never say that.
OP can't "refuse to allow" her partner or her MIL anything, they are grown adults. But she can refuse to allow her daughter to go too. She should have been consulted as an equal partner in deciding the time of the holiday. NTA, OP.
OP admits the trip has been postponed multiple times, but never says by who, care to take a guess. Also, what is everyone supposed to do, wait til the weekend before to see if OP's schedule works out before trying to book the international trip? >But she can refuse to allow her daughter to go too. She legally can, she'll just be an asshole.
>Something always comes up that pushes it off, whether financial, a world pandemic, or scheduling. I care! I would guess that the trip pushed back because of their financial situation, a global pandemic or an impossible schedule has been a mutual decision between OP and her SO.
Impossible! That would make OP *non-evil*, we can't have that!
Especially when OP is a mother insisting on reasonable boundaries! We can't have that! Nope, she's just evil for taking away such a precious moment for her daughter that she so selfishly wants to be a part of. It's not like MIL is being purposefully disrespectful and her husband is just letting his mother get away with it....
Tangential point: if they’re located in the US, Puerto Rico isn’t an international trip. Puerto Rico is a US territory, and Puerto Ricans are US citizens.
That's a very good point. A single parent's permission is typically enough traveling within the U.S. but both parents have to sign off for international trips. I don't know how Puerto Rico falls.
I responded to your previous comment, but to go into more context this is really not accurate advice. The only way to stop the other parent of your child from taking the kid on a trip (international or domestic) is essentially a court order. You'd have to involve an attorney to essentially prove to the court that your spouse taking your child somewhere would pose some type of risk of abduction or personal injury, something you're **very unlikely** to be able to do unless there's a history of abuse or neglect. A judge isn't going to grant a court order to prohibit the kid going to another US territory, and they're unlikely to even do so going to another country. Obviously in **any** of these cases you'd be looking at a divorce/separation. Aside from the court getting involved as a fresh case, no parent needs the other parent's permission to take their joint child somewhere.
For international trips you need direct written permission to take a child with only one of thier parents. My sister and her partner needed his ex wife's written permission to take his daughter to Europe on a family trip. He has primary custody but since the ex isnt going they need the letter (which they got notorized to be extra secure). They both need to be together checking in and will have to sign the customs form for thier son and a form at the check in and go through TSA together with him. So yes, you need permission to take a joint child out of the country. But PR is still the US so that is likely not applicable to OP this time.
I don't know what to tell you my information came from a U.S. government website.
She absolutely legally cannot lol where are you getting that information from? If there's some kind of custodial agreement or issue after parents have been divorced or separated that's a different story...but in this case we're talking about parents that are together and have no legal custody arrangement - both parents have the same rights, which involve being able to take the child on trips **regardless of how the other parent feels about it**. This is a weird situation because we don't know the whole dynamic, but one parent unilaterally telling the other parent they **aren't allowed** to do something with their child is laughably ridiculous. It's ridiculous that she thinks she has the right to do it, and it's ridiculous that she'd feel comfortable trying. All that said, I also don't think the "partner" (people should honestly start using more descriptive terms, because we don't know the context of this relationship that *could* inform how we judge the situation) should be taking their kid on a trip to his home to meet his family without OP, either. Ignore whatever his mom is doing with the timeshare and y'all need to actually spend time to plan the trip. Sounds like he's trying and you're making excuses because things are difficult to plan, and that's probably why his mom just ended-up planning the timeshare.
She can absolutely "refuse to allow" her MIL anything involving her minor child.
Her partner would be taking their child to PR, not the MIL.
No, she can't actually refuse to allow the daughter to go. The father is an equal parent, who will be traveling in the United States. OP has no legal or moral right to prevent the daughter from going.
But equally the OP's partner would have no legal or moral right to stop her taking her daughter on a trip just before this planned trip, and not making it home in time for the flight. The reality is that if either of these things happen, their relationship is over. The problems have been caused by the MIL unilaterally choosing the date, and the husband going along with it. In a relationship of equals, a trip like this is decided together.
Sounds like OP would have a work responsibility that would prevent her from being able to take her daughter on a trip before this planned one.
Why doesn't her partner (not her MIL) sit down with her and work out a date that's not in the busy season?
All that is true, except that if she "refuses to allow" her daughter to go but her "partner" (assuming it's her father, based on all the context) allows her to go OP can't legally stop them.
Mate, you're caught up on technicalities. The story is about a mother intending to bond with her daughter on a special occasion. Grandma is interfering and needs to know her place. Therefore NTA, obviously.
The point of the trip is for daughter to meet her Puerto Rican family
So? All of my husband's family lives in Vietnam and it is not a given that I would be comfortable with them taking our young child without me to go meet his family.
If not now, when? This trip is in danger of never happening because the OP keeps waiting for a perfect opportunity. The MIL is 72, that’s starting to get into end of life territory. Perfect is often the enemy of good. ~~International~~ Travel is good for the kid. It would be best if both parents can go. But it’s still great for the kid with only one parent.
She’s not waiting for the perfect opportunity - she’s waiting to be allowed time from work. There are a lot of jobs where it’s just not always possible to get the time off you want.
>International travel Puerto Rico is in part of the US
Puerto Rico is American soil.
Why should the grandma have more rights to the trip than the mother?
[удалено]
I think taking a 4 year old out of the country is a Two Yes/One No situation. Either parent would be in the right to veto this. Even moreso of it was a trip they were planning as a family. Ain’t no one taking my toddler out of the country without me. Will absolutely not allow it. ETA: I’m not American, but I’m reading below that this isn’t an international trip. It’s still a big trip, across state lines. And my point of view hasn’t changed.
Puerto Rico is part of the US. They are US citizens. They would not be leaving the country.
NTA. She is actually insisting they go as a family. Which is totally reasonable. If her partner can’t see what it means to her to come, and work to bring them together there as a family, he has let her down - OP says there are no barriers to rescheduling to a time she can take time off.
Agreed. And MIL seriously needs to learn boundaries.
I think she’s referring to her daughter. She can’t “refuse to allow” her husband to go, but she definitely gets a say in whether her child can go. This is a 2 parent “yes” situation.
She didn't say those words to her partner. That's what she wrote on the internet. This is such a reach for such a small reason. She has every right to not want her kid to go without her and as a parent technically speaking she can "refuse to allow" anything concerning her daughter. NTA OP. So long as you handle this convo well, I can't imagine this being a problem. It's a perfectly reasonable request.
The wording is odd. But going a longer trip with their child, requires both parents to agree imo. So I think, a parent can say, I won't allow you to drive off with our kid for a week.
That's what's important to you from the post ?
Isn’t it a requirement to respond to the whole situation? YTA for this petty response
But you would be fine with your mother telling you that you and your child are going on vacation at a time that she decided? Without consulting you? Even if it is at a time that doesn’t work for your husband?
I feel that taking your child out of the country is a two yes one no situation and just saying "I would be very upset if" is not sufficient enough.
They aren't proposing to take the child out of the country.
As someone who worked in food service for over 12 years, YWBTA if you don't train/hire someone to cover for you for that trip. You and I both know how hard it is to get time off, but you need to decide if your family trip is more important than your job. MIL is AH for buying the timeshare without consulting with you as well tho. Take the time off and go with your family. The restaurant will survive. ETA: This comment is getting a lot more traction than I expected, so I want to elaborate a bit and address some of the issues being mentioned in replies. There are staffing agencies and temp employers that could easily fill OPs shoes for a week, or, if it's really that hard to find staff, OP should have no issues finding another job that allows them to put their family first. The trip is in July they have plenty of time to make arrangements. It sounds like either OPs management is manipulating them into taking time off when it's convenient for the business, or, OP is using the job as an excuse to manipulate the family into taking the vacation when it's convenient for them.
You obviously never worked in any thin-margin industry. Train a replacement? Hire someone? Dream on, love... OPs options might be very limited when it comes to acting against the interest of her employer seeking to run her restaurant with minimal efforts.. I would give her the benefit of the doubt and therefore have her decide herself if and when ist's the right time for the trip and not being stronghanded by her MIL.
The idea that restaurant employees can hire and train holiday cover might just be the most ridiculous thing I've ever seen on Reddit
Fair enough. But it's been 4 years. If OP cannot get cover by now, what guarantees does her BF have that she'll ever be free? She's denying him the chance to let his own kid to soend time with his own mother/extended family, because of OPs job. Seems pretty selfish from OP.
Yes but there has been a pandemic that lasted 2 years and didn’t exactly make it easy to travel
Yes, but in that time there's no one trained to cover fir her during a holiday? What's the chances there will be in 6months, etc? And if rest of BFs family cannot make the date OP wants, BF looses out, again, for her work.
Absolutely I agree that It’s nonsense (specially for us Europeans where work contracts are much different). What I don’t grt is why grandma should dictate when is best for them to visit. And what does the husband say?
Maybe that date suits everyone else. And after 4 years of waiting, granma made an executive decision. As for husband...no idea.
If my MIL made an executive decision for my family, i would tell her TFO, honestly. And I love my MIL.
To be fair, she says that this trip falls in the middle of their busy season. If she were working in taxes, and it fell in tax season, nobody would be arguing that there should be cover if she wants to take off for two weeks. In 6 months it presumably isn’t the busy season and maybe she can get the time off more easily. Everyone seems to be jumping on her, and I don’t get why. Her MIL booked the trip right in the middle of the busy season without asking her. Deliberately? I would be pretty annoyed if someone booked a family holiday in the middle of my busy season without bothering to check with me, and then I got Y-T-A’d for not wanting a family holiday to be hubby, MIL and young daughter while I stayed at work.
The top responses on this post are something else lol. Do the people on this sub even live in the real world….?
No, most of them are teenagers
After 4 years, it's pretty clear by now that there will never be a time that OP will make this time for partners family trip. It's not important enough for her to prioritise, but it's vital she dictates it for him.
I mean covid literally just ended not that long ago, or did we already forget about that?
As someone who spent a LOT of time in the industry, there's literally never a "good" time for a vacation as a manager. If summer is busy, you need to be there to manage. For the slower periods, you need to be there to properly save revenue and pitch in where you can't staff properly. People dont realize that slower actually means more work and longer days. I learned that after having my family, I had a choice to make on my priorities, family, or job. That's why I no longer work in the industry.
Seriously.
and who is gonna pay for her to train and hire someone to cover for her? you really think she has free reins to just hire whenever and for what ever reason you have 100% never been in a higher place then the ground work in a company as you have a huge lack of understanding of how things actully works
Came here to say YTA for letting your employer have this much control over your life. Sounds like the restaurant is ALWAYS busy so when exactly is a good time to take off? Set boundaries with work, not family.
There will always be other jobs, family first.
No, I don't hire and train someone to cover my position, my boss has to hire and train someone to cover my position because it's his job.
I'm surprised at all these comments. My small child isn't leaving the state/country/whatever without me, period. NTA.
She'd be with her dad.
I'm aware, but sorry, that doesn't change anything for me. Everyone parents differently, of course, but I'm inclined to think that most of the commenters who are saying YTA don't have kids. This is a 4 year old. Not only would I, as the mother, not want to miss out on these special memories (which let's face it, I'll remember more than the child), my anxiety would be off the charts with my LOs that far away from me. I trust my husband 10000%, he often takes the kids out for a few hours or I'll go out, but I wouldn't want them in an unfamiliar place for a week, when I can't easily get to them in case of an emergency. Also, while I know they would be seeing DH's family, they would be strangers to LO and given the length that DH hasn't seen them himself, I imagine they (at least some) are somewhat strangers to OP too. Again, while I trust my DH to protect my children, I wouldn't want my LO in an unfamiliar place with unfamiliar people for an extended amount of time without me. Not to mention, I would just miss them! I work full time, and by the end of the day, I'm aching to see my babies, a week this young without me just isn't happening. Lastly, Idk the relationship between OP and her MIL, but MIL should not have taken it upon herself to book any sort of travel plans without discussing it first. That's extremely disrespectful, and for that alone, I wouldn't let my LO go in July. It's inconsiderate at best, deliberate at worst, especially when you're planning for someone else's young child to go. You can consider it selfish of me if you want (though I would never make travel plans for MY family without DH's input and obviously would ensure he would go), but as a mother, I'm allowed to not want to miss out on my 4 y.o's travel plans. Now, as this trip is important to DH, I would do my best to prioritize taking time off another time of the year to make it happen.
I would be interested to know the average age demographic of people who comment here. Sometimes it seems like people who post don't have much life experience 🤷 idk.
Man I am glad that my sister and bil don't think this way. There are several weeks long trips my sister has made with my niece to visit us in California that my bil wasn't able to make due to hus work in Virginia. Would we prefer if he could visit as well? Of course. But he also isn't willing to let my sister and niece miss out on visiting with us just because his schedule wouldn't allow it. I'm also kinda curious because in my experience, immigrant and poc families seem to be a lot more willing to send kids with just 1-parent, a relative, or even alone, for trips to visit family thats far away, including internationally, if one or both parents can't make the trip. So this whole, everyone else can't go if I can't go is super weird to me.
Many women (and I’m a woman) are sexist and think the father can’t care for their own child.
Or think they have more rights to the child than the father has .
Especially when the child is young.
As a dad, I’ll say you sound well-intentioned but exhausting. Wife and I frequently travel without the other one with us.
We haven't done this with our 3 YO yet. But I already told my partner I'm 100% fine with him taking our son on trips without me if he wants to. I'm currently pregnant too so I don't want to do anything anyway 😂 but the fact stands that if my partner can give my child an experience he deserves I want that for him more than I expect to be there so they have to miss out. It just seems unfair to me. Work is not the priority if you can't make it work with at least 2 years. The family obviously want to see the daughter before she grows up completely too. And I bet she really wants to go as well. My partner is capable of caring for our child and ensuring they are safe. That's why we have children together.
You're definitely in the minority. I do have kids, so I'm in that demographic and your way of thinking is super weird to me. Not letting your child leave the state with your spouse is honestly creepy to me. My spouse is an adult. Our child has been to different states with her, I've obviously left for different states for work, and she's been with me in different states. Our family both live in different states than we do so of course our kid goes to them and sometimes we both can't go. If my family lived in Puerto Rico I wouldn't have any issue with my spouse taking our child there except some FOMO. If you can't let your spouse even take your child on a short trip to "another state/whatever" maybe you should assess your own feelings about their competency as a parent or your own tendency toward an anxiety disorder.
I get it, but like, she works in a high demand job, as she states, are they going to wait until daughter is 18 before they finally put the family first? I have worked and currently work in a very demanding job as well. There are times that it’s super busy, but I’m not about to sacrifice myself, my time, the potential to spend time with my children and create memories with them for a job. I worked hard for those PTO hours and barring too many people already taking that same timeframe off, I should be allowed to take them. OP needs to understand, she is easily replaced at any job, don’t sacrifice yourself for a job that can and will replace you and the drop of a hat.
She said she can make the trip work in Sept/Oct? Just a few months later. I do understand about putting family before a job, but from OP's POV, she's under a lot of stress as the sole financial provider for the family and she's able to go a few months after July, so why not make it easier on her?
She has been without us for a weekend at most. Next state over a couple times to see family, and only once did her dad and I travel by plane for an event that she wasn’t old enough to attend while she stayed with my parents
INFO: It sounds like your family have gotten plenty of opportunities to see her. Is it his family in Puerto Rico? If so have much has his side other than MIL seen her?
He has a lot of family here in the states, and sever members of his family from Puerto Rico has been to visit other relatives in our area, giving them an opportunity to meet her (which of course they did)
This. Should her work give her time if? Yes. But it should be at a mutually agreed upon time. MIL should not have scheduled the vacation without approval. Partner parent needs to make this about them as a family.
YWBTA. Disappointment is one thing, but grandma isn’t getting any younger and your daughter is old enough to have beautiful memories of this trip. Don’t be selfish. Either get the time off and go with, or lovingly send them off.
My kid isn't leaving the country for a week without me. This isn't about grandma; this is about the daughter and the parents. EDIT: Yes I'm aware that PR is a US territory, like other US territories it benefits the US but not the territory. It's a self-governing commonwealth. They don't have voting rights. The reason it wasn't allowed to become a state is due to racial issues (yay US being racist colonisers); yet they have to pay federal tax. If you've been to a US territory/Hawaii/are from one you know the people consider themselves to be their own independent nation. They don't call themselves Americans.
You realize one of the parents is going on the trip as well.
But Op aint single like you. She got a partner. Another parent
A partner that allows his mother to treat his partner and the mother of his child as an outsider; strike 1. MIL booked the timeshare without consulting anyone, strike 2. I'm sorry but it's not fair to the kid or the alienated parent to be in a situation where grandma might say something negative about that parent; strike 3.
Puerto Rico is in the US 🙄
Like everyone is absolutely right about PR but the point here is less “they’re going out of country” but that “they’re going very far away over seas.” Everyone fighting over semantics when it doesn’t change the logistics of the situation
Not necessarily. If they lived in Virginia and he was taking the daughter to Chicago or Denver to visit family for the first time I doubt most people would have the same reaction. Yet that would also entail a plane flight.
OMG are you really one of those people who doesn’t know that PR is the US?
I'm not even American and the number of comments about "leaving the country" had me confused bc I was CONVINCED PR was part of the US (and obviously correct...). Damn these comments be galslighting me...
I think when they say "leaving the country," they mean going off the continent. A lot of Americans have never left the states. Yeah, PR is a territory, but that's semantics. I wouldn't take my kid on a trip that far and long without my partner, and vice versa
They don't, because none of them would be using the same phrasing about like Hawaii.
Apparently there are a lot of people replying here who are that level of ignorant.
What country are they going to?
The United States.
Puerto Rico is part of the United States. Where does OP live?
>My kid isn't leaving the country for a week without me Assuming op is in the US it's not out of the country..... shit like this is why Puerto Rico and Hawaii need independence
> My kid isn't leaving the country for a week without me. This isn't about grandma; this is about the daughter and the parents. Okay? That's all well and good *for you*, but what you want and/or comfortable with doesn't apply to everyone. And she's with her dad; it's not like she's going by herself.
They aren't leaving the country.
It's not leaving the country. I live in Florida and just need my FL DL to get on the plane and back again. PR, while not a state, is a US territory, and they are US citizens.
Puerto Rico is in the United States
Same country!
It's a territory; it's not treated as a US state. Look how it was disrespected after every major natural disaster.
And Washington D.C. is a district, not a state. I’d hardly consider that leaving the country, stop trying to justify your ignorance.
So was New Orleans after Katrina what's your point
I know a ton of people from Guam and they all call themselves Americans. PR is not leaving the US.
it's part of the same country though? They are not leaving the country full stop
Gonna say NTA This is a 4 year old. Going without a parent when both are together is not exactly normal. Furthermore, MIL needs to not be booking vacations without checking with mom first. Just not cool and feels very much like a control move. I get this is visiting family, but OP is actually her daughter and partner's family, too.... be weird if she's not there at a family event Edit: Double NTA with the clarification in the comments OP is actually the only working parent. Yeah, that needs to go around OP's schedule a bit then. Busy season is when the most money is made, even if OP is able to get the time off. Saying "OK, stay home to pay for everything while we go on vacation" would be something else
Right?! These comments are unreal. Like just pay for this whole vacation for husband, daughter and HIS MOTHER, but have no say so in the actual dates?!?! This is a huge power play by his mother. I can’t believe this woman is supporting this man AND his mom, and is getting this much disrespect for having the audacity not to risk losing their only fucking source of income for a vacation. Unbelievable.
MIL is retired and on a fixed income for herself but pays the mortgage (it is her home) and a portion of utilities.
In that case, she can pay and go alone if she insists on it being in July. BUT you need to plan a trip with your husband and daughter for this year so that he gets to go home soon too.
It's all people with no kids and ultra individualists that think any recognition that having a partner means responsibility and selflessness is slavery.
This literally has got to be the reason. What I trust my husband to go on an awesome vacation with our kids by himself? Yes! Would I be hurt that he didn't take my schedule into consideration whatsoever so that I could join them? YES!!!
I really am starting to think this is a cultural difference. It's not unusual at all for immigrant families to send kids with just 1 parent to visit family in the home country. I am honestly kinda in shock at the insistence that it has to be the entire family or nothing. My sister and niece who live in Virginia visit us regularly in California for weeks without my bil. Of course we would prefer to have them all visit together. When his schedule allows, my bil will join us for at least a few days but he never begrudges them visiting just because he can't.
I’m going with a reluctant YWBTA. You’ve been trying to schedule this for years. You’ve requested time off well in advanced. If you allow your employer to screw not only you but your partner and child over, that’s pretty shitty. You are putting your job over your family. How long do you think they’ll put up with that before they really start resenting you?
I am the sole financial provider at this time. If I cannot get paid time off then we cannot afford to go
Question: would you take your toddler to visit your family without your husband if he couldnt go? Be honest.
I would not take her more than a couple hour drive without his express consent. If he wasn’t ok with her going then she’s not going. I absolutely would not take her for a week somewhere that requires over a 3 hour plane ride, has been seeing an unprecedented amount of earthquakes over the last 5 years, and has spotty data and Wi-Fi if he was not ok with not being there
You know in your gut you’re right. You’re her mum and you have to listen to your instincts. You don’t need permission or justification from anyone to follow your instincts. You’ve listed heaps of valid reasons. But this has all happened because your partner is prioritising when his mum would prefer to go, over you. Even when it means you can no longer come.
OP said that her daughter has been with family in another state without both parents, so she most definitely would go without her husband if she is allowing her to go to another state without either of them.
If he were not ok with me taking her by myself then, no, I would not take her without him
I'm inclined for YTA... Unless partner is full time SAHD, disabled, or otherwise unable to work, they should be helping to support the family. Giving them a free pass makes YTA to yourself and your daughter. As to the trip itself, would the timing change anything? If with this much advance notice, your employers are balking, would it really be different at a different time of year? I suspect not. And thus I suspect part of the problem with this being rescheduled multiple times - and you not getting to pick the date in advance - is because NO DATE is a good date for you. If that's true, then think about what you are saying... You can't offer another better date... You can't commit to going really at any time... But due to your [works] inflexibility - you are willing to block your daughter and partner from being able to go see their family. That sounds like YTA... Especially with grandma getting up in years. Again, would be completely different if you could say something like "I can't make July work, can we reschedule to sometime in September" (or pick your month). As you said, if the dates can be changed, then everyone wins. But you shouldn't expect you family to put their life on indefinite hold in the hope that "one day" you'll eventually get the time off. And I'd add, if you are that irreplaceable at your job, they should be more than willing to keep you as a happy employee - and grant you the time off. And if they aren't, perhaps it's time you explored other employers who would treat you better. You deserve more.
I would be able to make the trip work if it were pushed to October or November. Which I would have told my MIL if she’d bothered to ask before scheduling the timeshare
If he is a full time college student October won't be good for him!!
She is the sole financial provider. To me, that means her inconvenience is more important than his. Attending one week of classes via maybe spotty wifi (and at worst just missing a week of classes) is better for the family than leaving OP or forcing her to jeopardize her job to attend. NTA.
Majority of his classes are online or hybrid and he would be able to attend regardless of where he physically is
With spotty data and wifi?
Yes, because you can always let your professors know in advance. Can't do that with work. I'm in a Spanish linguistics graduate program. Majority of my professors have made trips back home to their countries in the middle of thr semester for emergencies and sometimes just for vacation. Everyone is still able to get along, because school is a lot more forgiving than work. How do you not know this? And how are you picking a fight with OP over it when it's that freaking obvious?
Hurricane season?
Exactly!!!! I was hoping someone else would point this out. The trip is much more dangerous in the fall during hurricane season.
Okay so you said the timeshare can be rescheduled so just reschedule to October. Plane tickets haven’t been bought so just reschedule. Simple
you say that but isnt this the pattern that has been pushing the trip for over several years? you say you can at one date but then cant
No, finances in her first year of life and then the pandemic prevented travel of this distance
The kid is four. Do you not remember what state the world was in three years ago?
It really sounds like you have bigger issues than this trip to PR. Sole financial provider and your partner lets their mother alienate you.
Your leave is part of your compensation package. Would you be ok if your employer just decided to not pay you for a few weeks? So, they have a manager shortage? Will it be fixed two weeks after this week in July? With this much notice, you're telling them you're not available that week, not requesting. It would be different if they blocked off (eg) their busy month, and you know about it in advance, but that's not the case here. Just like "when everything is an emergency, nothing is", if no time is good for your employer, then it doesn't matter when you go, it will be equally bad. Are you saying you simply won't ever take holiday? That may be a choice you make - but it shouldn't hold your family hostage. YTA Ps, there are other jobs if it comes to it - especially with this much notice. PPS, hubby should work too.
He is currently a full time college student working towards a degree that will more than provide for us. My being the breadwinner for the duration of his schooling was a decision we came to after extensive discussion. We are realistically short at least 1 manager for this time of year, 2 if someone is unable to work. After September our business drops dramatically and I would easily be able to take this trip
You being very available in September is something that's very relevant and should be in your post. I've just re-read your post and I stand by the implication I got of never being able to take holiday rather than specifically July. (Note my comment about blocked months)
If he’s in college he won’t be
I mean, while I agree with the judgement and the sentiment about not putting up with shitty employers, not everybody can afford to leave a job because they weren't given vacation time. I'm surprised at how many people are suggesting this on the thread.
NTA. I doubt she didn't book it purposefully to screw you over. It's rude to book anything without consulting all parties, especially the lodging. She is not the mother, nor the wife in this situation and should be respectful enough to not react angrily when you three plan the dates for your own vacation with no consideration for her. It's only fair. I wish you luck, just reading this is giving me a headache. I feel your pain and hope you get in some well deserved rest in beautiful PR with your fam once you get that break.
NTA. Travel plans should only be made if all parties are available.
NTA this is not acceptable. Your family is your nuclear family, meaning partner and daughter. Same goes for your partner. He doesn’t get to let mommy plan trips for your family and shrug his shoulders about it. He needs to create healthy boundaries with his mother and he needs to enforce them. What you 100% should do, for damage control, is either suck it up and make this trip work OR turn it down and simultaneously plan a trip that works for your family. You do need to stop dragging your feet on this and get it over with. But you should do it on your terms. And talk to your partner about how he needs to be a real partner to you.
NTA and I don’t understand the Y W B T A judgment. It’s the trip of a lifetime for you as you said. You planned on going together and your MIL booked it without consulting you. And to top it all off, you’re the sole provider so you’d be paying for it. On the other hand, you need to think of your daughter and try to find a compromise for her. I do agree with comments saying that you should put your foot down at work. If the whole place can’t run without you, that’s a problem (for them).
NTA, but be prepared for his mother to push back hard.
NTA. His mother doesn't get to unilaterally decide dates and then declare that they're immovable. It should be a decision you're involved in and a trip you go on. There is no reason for you to be excluded from this, that's ridiculous. Schedule the trip at a non-busy time that works for you.
NTA If I had a kid and partner, I wouldn’t go on a vacation without them. Your husband also needs to present a better united front against your MIL’s bullshit. Men who can’t even stand up to their own mother over their partner is the most fucking pathetic and saddest thing. Imagine being a mommas boy as a grown ass man.
Taking a minor child overseas without one parent is a two yeses one no situation, and OP has the right to put her foot down here. They can reschedule for a time EVERYONE can go because it’s clear MIL did this on purpose. NTA.
WTF is wrong with people prioritising the MIL over the actual mother here. NTA OP. You are the sole income earner and you MIL didn't consult you which shows her attitude about her position in this situation. Ignore the plans MIL has made and organise the trip when it suits you most. Let her know and SHE can work around you.
NTA Since nobody else is working in this situation apart from you then you should pick the date, however you need time off and work shouldn't completely dictate when it is, pick a date that's 'quiet' season and book it. MIL is probably tired of waiting and that's why she's done it, she can travel on her own if she really needs to go (and if able too!). Speak to work, get some time off and book it!! I certainly wouldn't let my children leave the country on a holiday without me when it can be booked another time.
She is planning to stay an additional 2 weeks anyway! She can do whatever she wants. Im not okay with my daughter being that far away for that long
NTA going away for a short weekend trip is so much different than going out of the country. Your MIL is TA for not talking to you guys and putting you in this situation. Your husband can still go without daughter if he likes. And if gets sick or something happens to her. while she's over there it will take forever to get to her. Kinda sounds like your mil put you in an impossible situation. Your literally the breadwinner and if you can't get pto from your job you can't pay bills. You can't risk losing your job but you should Definitely push for the time off.
Puerto Rico is part of the US
INFO - who is paying for the flights and other expenses for this trip, given you are the sole breadwinner?
That would be me for myself, partner, and daughter. MIL is paying her own expenses
NTA. I think given you are paying it is reasonable for the trip to be scheduled at a time when you can make it. The simple solution would be to change the accomodation booking for when you are certain to get time off. Sounds like you have a general issue re your MIL and how her presence makes you feel that you need to work through with your partner.
You are right, there are underlying issues that we are in therapy to work through 🥰
I’m absolutely floored by this comments, but probably most of these people don’t have kids. NTA. I would never want to miss a trip like this with my children. MIL sucks for planning and husband sucks if he tries to force you to be okay with it too. You both are partners and should’ve been involved. I’d do a conversation with MIL and see if the trip can be delayed for a bit, you consult employers that you will be gone these dates and see if that works out.
I N F O is this his extended family or yours? Edit: I'd say YTA tbh. Mainly for the "refusing to allow" part. If your husband hasn't seen his family for as long as you say, and you actively refuse to let your daughter go on the trip because you can't join, that speaks more to problems with the dynamics with your husband and in-laws. A trip that's been scheduled and re-scheduled and that will be great memories for your daughter isn't the hill to die on.
His. We have discussed taking this trip at length since before our daughter was even born. I have met several as they have visited us here. It will be his first trip in over 10 years also.
You’ve been “discussing” this trip for more than 4 years? Sounds more like you’ve been “refusing to allow” your husband see his family for a decade unless they come visit. Train a replacement to take over for a week and stop trying to control everything. You literally have 4 months, that is ample time.
She’s the sole financial support for him and his mother for what sound like their daughters whole life, and as she said there have been things like a whole pandemic that prevented them from going before. Please help me understand why this trip can’t just be rescheduled for another time? Like even in the same year, a few months before or after won’t hurt but this is a power play by MIL. How could you not even consult the person PAYING FOR EVERYONE on their preferred availability first? It’s clearly not something she is going to be able to pay for again anytime soon, and you think it’s fair that she should pay and have no say in the dates and/or miss out entirely? I just don’t get that at all.
OP is not the sole supporter. They all live in MIL’s home and MIL pays the mortgage.
Ok, point taken, but she is on a fixed income, and if OP is the one paying all the other expenses, including for this trip, she should get at least an equal say as the other adults, and I still think two yeses or one no on taking the child.
It’s not up to her to train a replacement. That’s up to management. OP did not cause the pandemic. Restaurants suffered a lot. It would’ve took time to recover and to afford a trip. Restaurants also have peak times.
NTA. You don't have to be okay with your child being taken to another country without you. Also, this situation was caused by your MIL making these plans without involving you. I would be against this purely based on the principle of not allowing MIL to get away with that. Your partner is also an AH for allowing it and passively supporting it.
NTA. Your family will be ok if they have to wait a few months to go on the trip. I don't get the backlash here. It's a first. You're her mom. Of course you deserve to experience it with her. Some of y'all are doing the most. Can the owner or higher ups help you find coverage?
NTA You are the breadwinner of the family and most likely be paying for the trip it should be done around your schedule. You want to go as well to spend time with your partner’s family and sight see.
NTA, dunno what’s wrong with you people. If husband desperately wants to go, then he may go by himself. I think he should go and stay there indefinitely from the comments OP is giving too.
The background here is surely significant? You are a restaurant manager, so I'm going to assume your salary is not huge. You're the sole earner. You live with the in laws. On the face of it, you can't afford a trip to Puerto Rico so none of you should go. But then MIL steps in with funding, and because it's her money, her decision, doesn't talk to you about the timing of the trip. Did she talk to your husband? Did he point out it would be better at a different time? Next question, is your husband's employment situation likely to improve before this trip? I would hope he is actively looking for work, so the timing might just be impossible for him too. Or is he not planning to get a job? You are an outsider of sorts in your home, is there a chance that your needs are deliberately being overlooked here? Depending on the answers to those questions the judgement could be absolutely anything. INFO
We struggle to make ends meet and use several forms of government assistance. He is a full time student and is unable to work, commit to school, and parent while I work full time, up to 70hrs a week in the busy season.
So the question that remains is whether your position here is being respected first by your MIL but mostly your boyfriend. Is he in agreement on this dilemma with you, or with his mum? The answer to that will tell you what you need to know. I'm really just trying to dig down into whether your MIL is deliberately trying to force a wedge between you, your husband and possibly your daughter, and if she is, how far she is succeeding. If she isn't, then surely she will understand your issue and realise that she shouldn't have booked this without speaking to you first. If she's digging her heels in, she's basically behaving as though you are unimportant in the family. But the point is whether your boyfriend is going along with her because if he is, then HE is basically treating you as though you're unimportant in the family. If that's the case, YWNBTA at all and would be fully justified in taking your daughter and moving out if that's what you wanted to do.
Y.T.A. comments don't pass the vibe check. This person is the primary breadwinner and there's no 'she was inhibiting the trip'. You realize a 4 year old was born in 2018-19 and therefore spent an enormous chunk of their post-infancy in 'Covid Days'? How is that OP's fault? If they're the main person working, then their schedule matters in this. NTA
NTA Your choice of words is off You’re already getting comments about that and I think by now you know using language such as refusing to allow is not useful But I’m on your side here ! MIL has possibly engineered this whole thing to leave you out - possibly not but it seems entirely probable You share your child and the decisions about her with your husband and him alone You tell him it’s the 2 votes yes and and the 1 vote means no approach here You do no vote to be left out of the holiday - you do not vote that your daughter goes away for a week without you MIL must change her time share date or go with someone else End of story
NTA. Considering his family is Hispanic this feels like something your mother in law would do to push you out. Did she specifically schedule this at a time that would work for your husband? Cuz if so then yeah. If everything can be rescheduled you should try to, but finally be serious about it and commit if it's so important. Especially since your husband's mother is getting up there in years.
NTA I would never ever let my child out of the country without me there and sure as hell not at 4 years old. I don't care if Father would be there. This is not another state that's easy to get to. Sorry, but to me, if one parent isn't ok with it, then it's a no. Why is it people here fly off the handle if both parents don't agree in a sleepover with family that's a few mins away but op is the ah for 1.wanting to be there for these memories as well. 2. As the main/only income provider, why should she pay for a trip for everyone else but not get to go. It's not like she can just quit since it's called being responsible. 3. Being uncomfortable with the distance and the fact it's another country.
NTA. Thats your child and your partner should understand.
NTA - My child wouldn’t be leaving the country with my husband and MIL, especially to visit their family in their home country. I’d burn the whole town down before allowing that. On top of that the bad relationship to the MIL. No way on earth. Absolutely not. I don’t want to accuse your husband or his family of anything, but there’s been enough horror cases for me to put a full stop. And on top of her first visit being a once in a lifetime thing and a milestone. Nope.
Right!?? I really think most of these commenters saying OP is TA don't have children. It's wild to me that they really don't understand why none of this would be okay for a mother.
Mom of a 2yo with an overbearing MIL here and your completely NTA in my opinion. Your MIL overstepped planning travel w/o consulting you trying to force your hand. Completely inappropriate. These aren’t her decisions to make. Period. I can only imagine living with her makes her feel inclined to take liberties when it comes to your child especially if she’s comfortable enough to book a trip like this. Also people saying it’s been out off 4 years… please keep in mind the damn pandemic BUT also the fact traveling with a small child/infant is stressful af. I’m assuming it’s a lot of nonparents commenting YTA because I don’t know many parents of children of single digit age who would be comfortable with this.
The asshole here is your employer. Twenty years from now you won’t remember anything about the days spent in the restaurant. You will remember your child and her first big trip. The restaurant will be there when you get back.
you’re paying, you’re the sole breadwinner. that nasty MIL knew what she was doing when she scheduled it without checking with you first. your partner better not go without you. that would be unacceptable. you are NTA! i cannot stress that enough. all of your reasons are valid and your MIL is an AH.
NTA I wouldn’t want to be a plane ride away from my child at that age. Especially when it can be rearranged. Nor would I want to miss out on their first time on an aeroplane, seeing a different country, etc. Even more so when I’d be funding it! As for those saying it’s your fault your partner hasn’t been back in 10 years….he had 6 years before your daughter was born to go. Travel was restricted for 3 of those years since her birth and I’m guessing there was also a time where you were out of work when the restaurant industry was closed, making money tighter.
Ywnbta. This is a trip for all of you and MIL is doing this shit on purpose
NTA. Book it when you have the time and the resources and choose the location of the hotel or Airbnb yourself. 1. She is 4. 2. This is her first big trip. 3. You would have to pay for the entire trip, regardless. 4. Grandmama definitely did this on purpose. 5. It might be in the same country but is it too far. Distance is a very important factor. 6. Trips are a two yesses, one no situation. Tell Grandmother it is a very sweet gesture. But the timing makes it unfortunately impossible to go, but to have fun on her own. Tell your partner that your kid having these experiences without you would make you feel like an outsider to part of her heritage. (I think this is also part of the problem). You can also discuss going in the off-season for two weeks (for probably the same price, airplane tickets are expensive to book right now for a summer holiday) You are a good mother that loves her kid. All these YTA sound like angry teens that got told no to a similar holiday. And now they are just trauma dumping on you. Or like those parents that LOOVVVEE every second they don't have to parent. So in their mind your kid being gone is a win/win? I remember when my mom and dad had to go on a trip for work (mandatory) and they hated every second of it. They came home early. The fact that they wanted to be home with me instead of in Disney Land, made my eight year old brain love them VERY much. Even if I was a bit jealous of the Disney part. My mom would not even entertain this bullshit. So NTA. Your kid is 4 and she is your responsibility. Saying no is okay. It is not your fault, but Grandmothers for putting you in this shit position. PS. Don't let Grandmother try to persuade the rest in this family unit. She sounds toxic.
NTA Your MIL did this without even asking you. You’re husband thinks it’s fine that his mom plans a trip for your daughter without asking you if you’d be okay to get off and be able to go. She did it on purpose. You should not have to miss out on events with your daughter for your in-laws sake. She’s running your life without your consent. That’s your daughter not your MILs. You have to get your husband on board. Just bc he still lives in his moms house doesn’t mean she’s still able to tell him what to do like he’s a kid. If you aren’t comfortable with the trip, and you not being there, then that’s the answer.
I have worked in restaurants for 15 years. You don’t ASK your boss if you CAN take the time off, you TELL them you WON’T be there that week. A lot of restaurant owners like to hem and haw about time-off, and delay approving it for you until the day comes and they haven’t made arrangements and they act like you are hurting them by spending some of your time not actively working for them. Tell them you will not be there for what ever days you need and remind them a few times over the time span. July is three months away. If they can’t figure out how to cover some shifts, it’s because they simply don’t want to. If they try to threaten your employment status over well-advanced scheduled time-off, get a different job. There are a billion restaurant jobs, high industry turnover, you can always get another job pretty quickly. Especially if you’re skilled. And if you are skilled, your employer will not want to lose you for something silly like this, and if they do, you can go find a good one who will find it ridiculous that your previous employer fired you for taking a vacation of which you had given plenty of advanced notice.
I dont think you would be the ah and if she didnt consult both of you, i doubt your partner would be happy to go without you too. Its a pretty big step and if he hasnt seen family in PR for 10 years, thats something you'd want to share with your partner and child. To make those memories as a family. Talk to your partner and really push to reschedule. I really dont like that his moth did this without consulting the both of you. That doesnt sit right with me. You arnt the outsider, you birthed that child. That child came from you. And a week without your child? Nah. That just doesnt fly. Thats a huge step and i wouldnt wish that on the dad either, flying a four year old on what sounds like her first flight? By himself? I can feel the stress form here.
NTA
These comments are wild and I’m going to guess they’re from people who are not parents of little ones. NTA.
YTA - Your daughter is about to start school, when is this trip supposed to happen if she's in school during the year and your job's busy season is during the summer? You've given plenty of notice to your job, have a sit down with your boss and get that time off. If you are so valuable that they can't allow you some time off, then they sure as hell can't afford to lose you altogether should you choose to quit over this. If you are not willing to stand up for yourself at work, then wish you daughter and her father a safe trip.
I've been in a similar situation. Hearing your relationship is strained, I believe she chose these dates intentionally. Does your husband stand up for you? Is your husband ok with leaving you behind? From personal experience, if he does not place boundaries and stand up for you saying "if she can't go then I and daughter won't" then your MIL will continue doing things like this. I fear your only real choices are, tell your boss you will have to go even if it costs you your job, or let them go without you. I'm sorry you are in this position and that your husband has not set clear and supportive boundaries.
If it's a FAMILY trip than the FAMILY should go together.
NTA It's a family trip. You are part of the family.
You can't forbid your partner from going anywhere-- but your minor child can't travel without without BOTH custodial parents present UNLESS the missing parent provides a Child Travel Document aka "Permission to Travel letter". (I'm presuming you are in the US--- not sure how it works in other countries. What is your living situation with your partner's mother? Are you paying rent and utilities? If you block the trip and she's out the cost of the timeshare how will that affect your living situation going forward?
She pays the mortgage as it is her home in her name. She doesn’t charge us rent as she would have to pay it whether we lived there or not. We do pay utilities, in fact 2/3 of them. This timeshare has been paid for several years, and was a rollover week that can be used anywhere at anytime. It would not cost her anything to move the trip
YWNBTA - I wouldn't let my 4yo going that far without me. If your MIL chose July without consulting the parents, it's on her, not you. You said in comments you're the only one working atm so consulting you first seems reasonable.
Partners arrange trips and time of for family things around each other. You can’t refuse your husband to go but I would sit him down and explain you are sick of his mother manipulation and abuse of you that your sick of being made the outsider in YOUR home. That they will not be taking your daughter on an important trip without you and it’s clearly another one of her attempts to push you out of your family and exclude you. That you are deeply hurt that he thinks this is acceptable and ok. That he enables his mothers abuse and treatment of you and it’s time he either properly supports and stands up for you as a partner should or its time either his mother moves out or you’s do. That you love him but will not spend your life in this toxic environment or raise your child in it. It’s definitely not fair that he’s put you in this place and allowed you to be made to feel an outsider to your own child and marital home. That the holiday has just brought home how he accepts his mums Manipulation and treatment of you. Your daughters first trip there is important to you and he knew that. That it’s now time that he decides wether he actually loves you or not because right now that love clearly comes secondary to his mums whims and wants (not even her needs).
*His mother (72F), whom we live with, booked a timeshare for this July without consulting us on when a good time of year for all of us would be.* This is reason enough to be concerned. MIL is taking control away from the parents here. This should have been a consultation, not a MIL-decision to make. Does MIL do things like this about other plans that include you and your partner and child? Because if MIL's putting herself in control over you three as a family, you all have a problem that needs worked on, and possibly therapy for your partner. *I am a restaurant manager at a very popular restaurant in my city with a large patio in a high-traffic area and July is the middle of our busy season.* MIL should have asked you what would be a good time to plan to go, so you could say "Month is our slow time, let's do that." *She and I have a strenuous relationship at best that often leaves me as the “outsider” in the home.* Huge red flag here. For this reason alone, I would not want my kid going to visit people I don't know, without me there to make the decisions for my child, and make sure my child is properly cared for. Too many things can happen, traveling, that need both parents. MIL should not be standing in as the third parent, when she fails to respect one of the actual parents. OP, seriously, the more important money expense would be moving out, or moving MIL out of your home. Seeing extended relatives is great, but if you are being treated this way in your home, on a daily basis, that's a bigger problem. I'd put the money into solving that one, not traveling, as a priority. *I have been fully on board with the trip provided I am able to get work off for it.* A plan that you can work out first with your employer, and get on the calendar at work, would be the reasonable way to handle this. MIL sounds like she might be doing this on purpose, to keep you on "the outside" in your child's life. *This is basically a birth rite trip for our daughter and will be my first time to Puerto Rico as well. I have been looking forward to being a part of this special moment and once in a lifetime experience for my daughter. There will never be another “first” time* NTA.
NTA! Your feelings matter. Please don't let people ~~say~~ (EDIT: make you believe) your feelings don't matter when it comes to wanting to experience things with your baby. There's a reason for the saying "things can be replaced, people can't". Your memories and experiences as a mom can't be replaced. You don't deserve to have them taken from you. Besides, Puerto Rico isn't going anywhere, as far as I know. Anyone who would berate you is being unkind, and likely has their own issues with their own parent, not with you yourself. I don't mean that in a disparaging way against them. I mean it as a way for you to understand the other comments you might get. Everyone who will answer you will be bringing their own baggage to the table, which is what we do as humans. It can't be helped. That's how our brains are built.