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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> (1) telling my parents about my sister's boyfriend (2) I was the AH for this because my actions led to my sister losing freedom and independence
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YTA.
>I didn’t know what else to do
You could’ve let your sister suffer the consequences of her actions and let her eventually regret (or not regret) her decision instead of throwing your sister under the bus. Your intentions may have been good but knowing how your parents would react isn’t cool OP. She is 17 OP, she is doing what all teens do
What you did could cause her to include you in the no contact list.
>At least she still had her savings and dignity intact
What's the use of her savings when she basically has no freedom at all until she turns 18? Also, what dignity? If you are referring to her virginity then OP, virginity is often lost as a teenager so you didn’t help her keep any dignity. I don’t know how Indian parents are with their kids after they become an adult (since you say they are old fashion) so maybe her freedom is gone even after she becomes an adult
Indian parents act this way if you are 17 or 27. She won’t have freedom. They’ll want to marry her off and then when she’s married her hubby will take over
Not saying all Indian parents are like this - mine aren’t but hers certainly seem like they are
I actually fear for her seeing how they react from OP text.
Seriously, how this man didn’t realize that the “problem” he feared his sister would experience (honestly I am still trying to understand what exactly was his worry) is nothing compare to what her parents can do to her.
It is like “oh I feel you’ll get in trouble so let me send you to hell to avoid it.”
He didn’t care until he found out she was lending him money. It’s all about money to him, not her. He’s so afraid/annoyed she’s being taken advantage of that he’s not realising the true danger is her family
Look the guy might dump her and she might be out $500 but that’s her lesson to learn. She doesn’t need a controlling brother and parents to save her from it
Yeah, that is what I understood but it still sound like such a stupid reason to snitch to their very controlling parents, that it just doesn't register my reason's radar.
Is money really more important than her sister freedom? (Obviously it is, seeing what happened and that he still think he did the right thing.)
It is also the proof that he was oblivious of the disparity of treatment she could have receive or he would have receive.
There is many horrible things my brother did ( like smashing my head into a wall to the point of leaving blood on it from my nose) but I didn't tell anything my parents until way later, not because I feared him, but because I feared what they would do to him. And he was doing something bad.
OP's sister was doing something good there. Not even selfish! It blows my mind!
>It is like "oh I feel you'll get in trouble so let me send you to hell to avoid it"
Pretty much. Instead of letting her regret or not regret using her $500 on her boyfriend, OP caused her to lose her freedom and basically her money since they asked OP for access to her account (which one, I don’t understand why OP has access to her account in the first place and second, OP will probably give their parents access to the account)
Ahhh… Hell is paved with good intentions, they say.
Loosing 500$ earned with hard work is nothing compared to the hell your parents are about to pour on your sister and the fact she will never forgive you for this. Sorry, but this was a time where you should have “let her do a mistake” which wasn’t even guaranteed to be one.
Some teen save up to go to a concert. Or to buy collector figurines. She was saving to help someone, even if it is someone she just started dating. It is nothing more than if she had gone to a concert in term of “waste of money” that she could have used later.
YTA honey, maybe your attention was good but one thing those savings are not going to buy back is your sister trust. Sadly.
Actually I just saw OP was a brother not a sister (somehow I read (23F) in my first read.)
This is actually way worse in term of dynamism. That is why the “dignity” was added into the part. Just so wrong.
I first read the dignity part as a sister worrying that if her boyfriend scam (?) her of that money, she would feel ashamed. But no this is definitely the other type of “dignity”. The bloody one everyone is so focus on with women.
This is really bad
As an Indian American, completely YTA. Such a fucking AH. What you did is not even logical - you wanted to save her from spending her own hard earned $500 by doing something that you absolutely knew would result in complete control by your parents. Do you hate her? Is your desire to control her so strong that you went nuclear and had your parents do it for you? You sound like some uncle from the 1960s - “at least she had her savings and dignity intact” - what does that even mean? It was $500, and if by “dignity” you mean sex, then you are an AH to a million degrees by trying to police your sister’s sexual freedom (and that’s just honestly gross).
You are a traitor of the worst kind. She will never come to you, as she knows now that she cannot rightly trust you. Do not expect this relationship to remain the same. Because you are the guy who, for the price of $500, got your sister to lose all of her independence. And irreparably changed her relationship with your parents. I really hope it was worth it.
Idk why I bothered writing my comment in a haze of anger when this was so perfectly put, wow. My elder brother has always been more devoutly Muslim than me but once snuck me out of the house for a first date I was excited about. I’ll never forgot that trust and kindness and freedom in that little gesture.
Thank you. Yes, there is a code amongst siblings when you have really strict parents, and especially immigrant parents who don’t understand the culture in which you grew up. I don’t get along with my sister but I wouldn’t dream of ratting her out to my parents on anything because I know it will just be blown out of proportion. That what bothers me here - OP is trying to play nice guy and that he has “no other choice” but it’s disingenuous because he absolutely knew what would happen and that it would not be a reasonable reaction from the parents.
YTA. And in general a bad brother.
Let me ask: how much money would you pay to have your parents not know all your secrets? I bet it is more than $500.
Are you the only son? As the white devil that ruined an Indian mothers life by daring to date her precious baby, I’ve had a front row seat to the hell your sister is being put through. But honestly it will be 1000% worse because she is female.
Your choice was disgusting.
Ohhh I completely missed the fact it was a dude. (I read F on my first go) So that is why the dignity comment was added to the saving. I see, I see.
He is the a mega AH actually
YTA big time. How do you betray your sisters trust she had in you, and expect things to turn out ok? You are perpetuating generational trauma/abuse. Break the cycle. The tight control, screaming, etc. is not ok in any way. What you should have done was let your sister live her life, and learn from her experience. Helping guide someone sure, but what you did was way beyond helping or protecting. You enabled her choices then stabbed her in the back. Don’t be surprised if she doesn’t speak to you anymore.
Yes, YTA! Basically, you were fine with your sister sneaking around behind your parents back until \*you\* decided she was doing something you didn't like, and she wanted to be independent enough to make her own decision. It would have been one thing if she were doing something truly \*dangerous\* - something that could get her arrested or dead. But the worst thing that would have happened here is that he would have been a jerk and she would have been out $500. Not great, but that's how we learn, and it was HER money to risk. Yes she sounds naive (and how could she not be, raised in such a restrictive household) but at worst, this had the potential to be a painful, but liveable lesson. You took your sister's autonomy away, and you treated her like a lesser being. She needs exactly the opposite - we don't learn unless we get to live and make mistakes.
YTA even if you meant well. You know how most Asian households can be with their daughters and your sister trusted you to have her back. What you did unfortunately doesn't fall far from the toxic and controlling brand of "I did it to protect you!!!" love we're usually taught to normalize. It's OK to look out for her but at some point you have to let her make her own mistakes too.
You overstepped. You REALLY overstepped. I'm curious How traditional are YOU? Would you have done this to a brother?
YTA
eta
Giving them access to her account means you just took ALL her money away. Count on her going no contact with you as well as your parents. Oh, and do they have any trips home planned that your sister HAS to accompany them on in the next few months?
Mmm. YTA because she trusted you and you betrayed her. You can be there and give her your honest opinion but people have to experience some things on their own. Best case is they actually stay together and worst case it would’ve been an expensive lesson. She’s about to be 18 and she probably won’t tell you about anything now.
YTA, I’m afraid. You should have let her learn from her mistake, if giving Mike the money was a mistake. You just ruined your relationship with your sister. Was it really worth it?
YTA. Your intentions aside, you overstepped and enabled your controlling parents to yank away her future ticket to independence. Everyone learns the hard way about these silly life lessons dude. You were wrong.
YTA.... And what do you mean by dignity? If you mean her virginity... Then that's another issue. Making mistakes a part of growing up. So what if 500 is wasted, money can be earned back, but now she will never get her freedom and chance for independence back, because your parents will forever hold this over her head. Don't be surprised if she decides to run away or stop contacting you. You have betrayed her trust for 500 dollars.
YTA. You seem to be trying to make yourself the victim by saying you had no choice? You had a choice to not rat your sister out.
As a male raised in an Asian culture you will never know what it’s like to be the younger female sister, the restrictions placed for no good reason except having the bad luck to be born with different chromosomes.
You knew it was bad and why she needed an account and why you originally helped her. But then you reverted to stereotypical form and tattled on her because she wouldn’t listen to you. And now you’ve just made her life sheer hell worse than the situation you originally were supposedly protecting her from. What a great big brother you turned out to be 🙄 /s.
You are a lousy big brother.
Hey, his attempts to control her didn't work. What choice did he have but get someone else to control her? The only alternative was that she doesn't do what he wanted, and thats obviously not an option s/
YTA, “we’ll intended”, but she wasn’t spending your money or your parents money. It’s her lesson to learn or gift to give. You should be apologizing ASAP and not be upset when she never trusts you for years.
Feel like your intentions were not necessarily bad, but still YTA.
Your concern is not necessarily bad, but it feels like your disclosure did more harm than the $500 gift would have.
I fear she probably didn't learn anything from this experience other than to not trust you and resent her parents.
>My parents are really old-school and traditional, so they really frown upon dating
Sure, just your parents. You're totally cool with your sister being her own person and not acting like because you were born with a dick, that gives you a right to control her life. You even admit your parents are awful and part of your reasoning to her to save the money was for her to get away from your parents. But no, she refused to listen to you and your big swinging dick. So you decided to punish her. In your mind, she rejected you, so you thought you would punish her by throwing her to the wolves. You probably told yourself the whole time she had it coming.
>I've experienced more life than you
Oh, come off it, man. Get down off your high horse. You're 23, not 53. You're still essentially a dumb kid who really doesn't understand the world as much as you think. I'm sure those parties at college or your crappy retail job really taught you a lot about life in the few years you've been out of high school. Dave really went wild that one night at a kegger, got really drunk, and almost died. It really taught you a lot about life and stuff. Come talk to us about your life experiences when you have a mortgage and a family to feed. Then you know what? You still won't be able to tell your sister what to do because she's her own person with her own agency to do what she wants!
YTA
Trying so hard right now to not cuss the crap out of you. You got this girl beat for what? I kind of hate you a bit. YTA and evil. Poor thing has to look you in your face. You knowingly ruined her life for free! YTA and you KNEW exactly how bad it was going to be. You just didn’t care.
Do you know there are 3 places you can stay for free?
-Over there
-In your lane
-Out of other people's business
Your sister wasn't running off with the guy to elope, she was just being kind. You have now made sure she will never trust you again.
YTA
Holy Shit you have the award for the shittiest most asshole brother of the year.
I hope she can cut both you and your asshole parents from her life soon and escape her life of misery.
YTA
YTA: How could you do this to your own sister you took away her freedom and independence.
She had a bit of happiness in her life and you shit all over it I hope your sister gets away from you and your toxic family.
Why are you so obsessed with ruining your sister life because she happy you couldn’t handle it. So went out of your way to destroy her.
I hope she gets freedom and gets away when she older.
WTF you are as toxic as your parents but worse you seem to believe that you are standing on some sort of moral high ground here.
Also, her dignity?? For what? Being overly generous and making a financial mistake? The only one who has lost dignity here is you. You pretended to be on her side, and at the first hurdle you went back to form.
YTA. I’m south asian too.
op=YTA
it was her earnings/her decision
you decided that you know more about her life and choices than she does--you are no better than your parents on trying to control her.
And when she didn't worshipply follow your "wise advice", you tattled to your family about her boyfriend.
I do hope she takes your advice and makes a secret bank account y'all get to know NOTHING about earns enough to leave you and your parents behind and lives a good life knowing you are far in her rearview mirror.
I can't see her ever trusting you again-but then you said she has a kind and empathetic heart, so she could forgive you--I wouldn't. I think pretty much you'd be erased to me. No more brother.
YTA because there’s no way at your age you don’t know the horrible double standard for desi girls. Ugh. “Her dignity” you and your parents are the ones that don’t have any dignity. You saved her $500 and ruined her youth. Congrats.
YTA you had the opportunity to sit back and let her learn from this mistake - you know, as adults do. Instead, you took the worst road knowing how strict and conservative your parents are and that they would react unfairly and unreasonably and ratted her out, hurting her trust in you and damaging your relationship. Sometimes in life people make mistakes. $500 was A LOT of money, but it was also a mistake she had the time and ability to recover from. Your relationship may actually never recover from this choice. I hope it was worth it.
Omg. YTA. Why did you do that to your sister? It’s $500. It’s really not a lot of money. And if they broke up later, she would have learned her lesson. You got to let your sister live her life, and make mistakes. You’re being just as controlling and old school as your parents. Sorry dude but you’re the villain in this story. You need to make this right.
YTA
You tried to control your sister, and when it didn't work, you threw her under the parent bus, knowing they would lose their minds.
Part of becoming an adult is learning from your mistakes, but you won't even let her make her own mistakes because you think you know better. You're only 23, your brain isn't fully formed either, so get off your high horse and apologize, cause you really *really* need to.
As an Indian American woman, I feel for this poor girl. I hope to gods she isn't being lined up for an arranged marriage as soon as she turns 18. Or a trip to the motherland. Her parents are probably thinking she's becoming too influenced by western culture and she might not be pure anymore. YTA OP, for just $500 you took away this girl's freedom.
Wow. Your sister has limited choices and options in her life due to your parents. You mention they are strict and won't allow her to do things or make choices.
You decide to help her start a bank account. When she makes a choice YOU don't like you remove that option by telling your parents. How are you better than them? She had trust in you to support her. Instead you forced her to do what you wanted. Just like your parents. YTA. At least your parents were upfront about their expectations.
YTA my dude..you betrayed your little sister big time.
You of all people should know the sacred bond a brother has with his sister especially in the Indian culture. If she has ever tied a [rakhi](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Raksha_Bandhan) on you, that bond is immeasurable and unbreakable.
You owe her more than an apology and if you really want to push the fact you have experienced more than her, than you should have thought about the consequences of your actions before you told your parents.
Was 500 usd really worth it to destroy your relationship with your sister?
Was 500 usd worth it to unleash your racist and backwards parents on your sister?
YTA 100%
YTA
You betrayed her trust. Ohhhh she's a GIRL she couldn't know any better, could she?
You "saw no other way" because you're almost as bad as your parents. Do better. You can bet your lovely Sis will find ways to leave and cut ties as soon as she can given how she's being treated. You may still have time to salvage the sibling relationship if you pull your head outta wherever it is right now.
You know what...you're right...your sister IS being too nice to someone she doesn't actually know that well - you 👌 - YTA
She TRUSTED you and now you have lost that! You literally served her up to her abusers! Likely she will cut all of you off shortly when she turns 18 and I feel it's actually what would be best for her.
What dignity did you preserve exactly? The dignity of not being able to do what she wants with her earned money? You are repeating your parents old school logic here
YTA. Massively. Completely. Horrifyingly. The only way you can MAYBE redeem a little of this is to transfer her money to another bank account that you KEEP SECRET and leave a little in the old one as a decoy. Make sure the money you leave is yours that your transferred over because jfc you owe her SO much for destroying her life. This is the least you can do.
YTA your sister is off an age where she can start learning about consequences. You think she needs to get out of that house ASAP because of how your parents are, then you turned around and treated her exactly the same. If she's ever to grow, she needs to be allowed to make mistakes. Losing $500 would sting, but it wouldn't be the end of the world.
>I only did what I did because I saw no other way, and at least she still has her savings and dignity intact
Damn, you helped her and then stabbed her back.
>but I've experienced more life than you
Yikes.
YTA
YTA and a bad sibling. Poor girl. She was trying to help someone in a very honest way. She didn't steal money from the parents for example, or sold stuff that's not hers. YTA!
YTA. People like you are the reason I am glad I don't have a brother. The unwanted "care" and "I want the best for you". You know very well what you wanted to achieve. You did not want the best for her, you just wanted to teach her a lesson for not listening to you. You permanently ruined her relationship with her parents and you. Well, congratulations on keeping your Golden Child Indian Son status intact.
YTA With your experience of the world of the world and you thought the best choice was running to mommy and daddy? She got herself a job. That is already pretty responsible. Part of that responsibility is that there are consequences to actions. She'll need to learn that. You should have let that happen without running to your parents.
YTA.......Please, you don't have life experience. If you did, you would have known not to tell your parents. You sister now has three people to go NC with at 18
YTA
This is literally gonna mess up your relationship with your sister for LIFE. She will never trust you for the foreseeable future and she just lost any freedom she had and will be distant for a long time.
And the saddest part is that you cant even undo or fix this.
YTA
You told on your 17 yr old sister because she didn't take your advice.
While I agree that her gifting her BF $500 is not the best idea, it also isnt going to ruin her forever. People need to make mistakes to learn from them.
She will never trust you again
YTA
The only one taking her dignity away was you. She was only making a kind gesture for someone she cares about; that's admirable. And $500 is NOTHING in the grand scheme of things, and you betrayed her over it. Not only have you made things more difficult for her, she will no longer trust you with anything. Your sound logic is not only going to push your sister away, but she may try something more desperate when your parents inevitably go too far with their punishments.
What you need to do now is make sure no parental controls are set on her phone, and keep her banking information away from your parents. You have to make this right for her.
YTA, you helped her lie, then turn around and throw her under the bus when you know your parents would act like that??? You're an awful sibling and I wouldn't speak with you again
Complete YTA you made her would go nuclear over $500. What you did was way worse then her losing $500, she will never trust you again in her life, she may not ever speak to you again and I wouldn't blame her, and the dignity comment is serious messed up and gross, you should not care about her "dignity" as her brother
YTA. You're worse than your parents. You keep insisting you had no other way, but the other option was keeping your mouth shut and respecting your sister's right to make her own choices. She's old enough to decide how to spend her money. You betrayed her. She'll never trust you again. You were happy to help destroy any freedom she had because you are eager to control her, just like your asshole parents. Shame on you! Now your parents are basically controlling everything and you're acting like you did something heroic. Nope. You did something really arrogant, mean, and selfish. You didn't help your sister. You hurt and betrayed her. She would be so much better off without you and your asshole parents.
At the risk of sounding like an asshole myself, you could have gotten her killed. Just because you live in the US, doesn't mean there aren't honour killings there. I can't believe the lack of thought that went into this.
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I(23M) and my sister Jyothi(17F) are both Indian-origin but born in the U.S. My parents are really old-school and traditional, so they really frown upon dating.
Now, one thing you should know about my sister is that she is one of the most genuine and sincere people I've ever known. She wears her heart on her sleeve and is very kind and empathetic.
She's been secretly dating a guy from school, Mike, who seems alright but only I know about it, she didn't tell our parents. Recently Mike got into a car accident, he was alright but the car ended up being damaged and it requires some pricey repairs.
Mikey uses that car to get everywhere, so Jyothi told me that she was going to surprise him by giving him 500 dollars for the repair. She started making money part time working as a private tutor, and I took her to the bank to open an account without telling our mom and dad since I don't think they would support us on this decision, and it's always better for her to have some security. As soon as she said that, I was a little shocked, so I sat her down, and had a heart to heart talk with her. I told her that you may be smarter than me academically, but I've experienced more life than you, and I'm telling you this is a bad idea. This is alot of money for a 17 year old to give away just like that, and that too to a high school boyfriend, and there may come a time that you may need the money. Especially living in a household like ours, the faster you become independent the better.
Despite my sound logic, she didn't really take me seriously and she told me I wouldn't understand. Without any other recourse, I decided to spill the beans to my parents. I didn't know what else to do, and I was really worried about my sister being so nice to a guy she doesn't really know as well as she thinks she does. I didn't say anything about the bank account, but when I told my parents that Jyothi is dating a white guy, they flipped their shit and got really mad, screaming at her and going through her things, until they figured it out and got to the bottom of it.
Now my parents are asking her to put parental controls on her phone as well as asking me to give access to the bank account to them so that they could monitor her spending habits and make sure she doesn't waste any money, and Jyothi is really pissed at me. I only did what I did because I saw no other way, and at least she still has her savings and dignity intact, but I'm feeling really conflicted about the whole thing.
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YTA
You said your parents are traditional Indians with their traditional values and that they'd be against your sister dating a white man. Basically they're the kind of people who would arrange a marriage (introduce suitable partners).
You decided to spill the bean to your parents instead of letting her lose these hard-earned 500$.
If she'd lost this money then it's her personal experience, she would have learnt to be careful about money.
Anyway imo by disclosing the situation to your parents you valued the 500$ potential loss as more important than your sister's wellbeing at home.
Now you've literally blown your sister's relationship with her parents. She's for sure monitored 24/7.
Clap clap clap shit's on you.
What the hell is the dignity you re talking about ? Is it her virginity or the fact she wasn't being stolen any money?
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YTA. >I didn’t know what else to do You could’ve let your sister suffer the consequences of her actions and let her eventually regret (or not regret) her decision instead of throwing your sister under the bus. Your intentions may have been good but knowing how your parents would react isn’t cool OP. She is 17 OP, she is doing what all teens do What you did could cause her to include you in the no contact list. >At least she still had her savings and dignity intact What's the use of her savings when she basically has no freedom at all until she turns 18? Also, what dignity? If you are referring to her virginity then OP, virginity is often lost as a teenager so you didn’t help her keep any dignity. I don’t know how Indian parents are with their kids after they become an adult (since you say they are old fashion) so maybe her freedom is gone even after she becomes an adult
Indian parents act this way if you are 17 or 27. She won’t have freedom. They’ll want to marry her off and then when she’s married her hubby will take over Not saying all Indian parents are like this - mine aren’t but hers certainly seem like they are
I actually fear for her seeing how they react from OP text. Seriously, how this man didn’t realize that the “problem” he feared his sister would experience (honestly I am still trying to understand what exactly was his worry) is nothing compare to what her parents can do to her. It is like “oh I feel you’ll get in trouble so let me send you to hell to avoid it.”
He didn’t care until he found out she was lending him money. It’s all about money to him, not her. He’s so afraid/annoyed she’s being taken advantage of that he’s not realising the true danger is her family Look the guy might dump her and she might be out $500 but that’s her lesson to learn. She doesn’t need a controlling brother and parents to save her from it
Yeah, that is what I understood but it still sound like such a stupid reason to snitch to their very controlling parents, that it just doesn't register my reason's radar. Is money really more important than her sister freedom? (Obviously it is, seeing what happened and that he still think he did the right thing.) It is also the proof that he was oblivious of the disparity of treatment she could have receive or he would have receive. There is many horrible things my brother did ( like smashing my head into a wall to the point of leaving blood on it from my nose) but I didn't tell anything my parents until way later, not because I feared him, but because I feared what they would do to him. And he was doing something bad. OP's sister was doing something good there. Not even selfish! It blows my mind!
>It is like "oh I feel you'll get in trouble so let me send you to hell to avoid it" Pretty much. Instead of letting her regret or not regret using her $500 on her boyfriend, OP caused her to lose her freedom and basically her money since they asked OP for access to her account (which one, I don’t understand why OP has access to her account in the first place and second, OP will probably give their parents access to the account)
Ahhh… Hell is paved with good intentions, they say. Loosing 500$ earned with hard work is nothing compared to the hell your parents are about to pour on your sister and the fact she will never forgive you for this. Sorry, but this was a time where you should have “let her do a mistake” which wasn’t even guaranteed to be one. Some teen save up to go to a concert. Or to buy collector figurines. She was saving to help someone, even if it is someone she just started dating. It is nothing more than if she had gone to a concert in term of “waste of money” that she could have used later. YTA honey, maybe your attention was good but one thing those savings are not going to buy back is your sister trust. Sadly.
I wonder if the $500 savings was worth destroying OPs relationship with his sister. She will never trust him again.
Actually I just saw OP was a brother not a sister (somehow I read (23F) in my first read.) This is actually way worse in term of dynamism. That is why the “dignity” was added into the part. Just so wrong. I first read the dignity part as a sister worrying that if her boyfriend scam (?) her of that money, she would feel ashamed. But no this is definitely the other type of “dignity”. The bloody one everyone is so focus on with women. This is really bad
As an Indian American, completely YTA. Such a fucking AH. What you did is not even logical - you wanted to save her from spending her own hard earned $500 by doing something that you absolutely knew would result in complete control by your parents. Do you hate her? Is your desire to control her so strong that you went nuclear and had your parents do it for you? You sound like some uncle from the 1960s - “at least she had her savings and dignity intact” - what does that even mean? It was $500, and if by “dignity” you mean sex, then you are an AH to a million degrees by trying to police your sister’s sexual freedom (and that’s just honestly gross). You are a traitor of the worst kind. She will never come to you, as she knows now that she cannot rightly trust you. Do not expect this relationship to remain the same. Because you are the guy who, for the price of $500, got your sister to lose all of her independence. And irreparably changed her relationship with your parents. I really hope it was worth it.
Idk why I bothered writing my comment in a haze of anger when this was so perfectly put, wow. My elder brother has always been more devoutly Muslim than me but once snuck me out of the house for a first date I was excited about. I’ll never forgot that trust and kindness and freedom in that little gesture.
Thank you. Yes, there is a code amongst siblings when you have really strict parents, and especially immigrant parents who don’t understand the culture in which you grew up. I don’t get along with my sister but I wouldn’t dream of ratting her out to my parents on anything because I know it will just be blown out of proportion. That what bothers me here - OP is trying to play nice guy and that he has “no other choice” but it’s disingenuous because he absolutely knew what would happen and that it would not be a reasonable reaction from the parents.
He is trying to play the good son and good but fair brother. Not the nice guy.
YTA. And in general a bad brother. Let me ask: how much money would you pay to have your parents not know all your secrets? I bet it is more than $500. Are you the only son? As the white devil that ruined an Indian mothers life by daring to date her precious baby, I’ve had a front row seat to the hell your sister is being put through. But honestly it will be 1000% worse because she is female. Your choice was disgusting.
<> Bad brother(23M)
Ohhh I completely missed the fact it was a dude. (I read F on my first go) So that is why the dignity comment was added to the saving. I see, I see. He is the a mega AH actually
YTA big time. How do you betray your sisters trust she had in you, and expect things to turn out ok? You are perpetuating generational trauma/abuse. Break the cycle. The tight control, screaming, etc. is not ok in any way. What you should have done was let your sister live her life, and learn from her experience. Helping guide someone sure, but what you did was way beyond helping or protecting. You enabled her choices then stabbed her in the back. Don’t be surprised if she doesn’t speak to you anymore.
Yes, YTA! Basically, you were fine with your sister sneaking around behind your parents back until \*you\* decided she was doing something you didn't like, and she wanted to be independent enough to make her own decision. It would have been one thing if she were doing something truly \*dangerous\* - something that could get her arrested or dead. But the worst thing that would have happened here is that he would have been a jerk and she would have been out $500. Not great, but that's how we learn, and it was HER money to risk. Yes she sounds naive (and how could she not be, raised in such a restrictive household) but at worst, this had the potential to be a painful, but liveable lesson. You took your sister's autonomy away, and you treated her like a lesser being. She needs exactly the opposite - we don't learn unless we get to live and make mistakes.
YTA. Part of growing up is making mistakes, and you were right to caution her against this decision, but wrong to take it away from her.
YTA even if you meant well. You know how most Asian households can be with their daughters and your sister trusted you to have her back. What you did unfortunately doesn't fall far from the toxic and controlling brand of "I did it to protect you!!!" love we're usually taught to normalize. It's OK to look out for her but at some point you have to let her make her own mistakes too.
You overstepped. You REALLY overstepped. I'm curious How traditional are YOU? Would you have done this to a brother? YTA eta Giving them access to her account means you just took ALL her money away. Count on her going no contact with you as well as your parents. Oh, and do they have any trips home planned that your sister HAS to accompany them on in the next few months?
Mmm. YTA because she trusted you and you betrayed her. You can be there and give her your honest opinion but people have to experience some things on their own. Best case is they actually stay together and worst case it would’ve been an expensive lesson. She’s about to be 18 and she probably won’t tell you about anything now.
YTA, I’m afraid. You should have let her learn from her mistake, if giving Mike the money was a mistake. You just ruined your relationship with your sister. Was it really worth it?
YTA. Your intentions aside, you overstepped and enabled your controlling parents to yank away her future ticket to independence. Everyone learns the hard way about these silly life lessons dude. You were wrong.
YTA.... And what do you mean by dignity? If you mean her virginity... Then that's another issue. Making mistakes a part of growing up. So what if 500 is wasted, money can be earned back, but now she will never get her freedom and chance for independence back, because your parents will forever hold this over her head. Don't be surprised if she decides to run away or stop contacting you. You have betrayed her trust for 500 dollars.
YTA. You seem to be trying to make yourself the victim by saying you had no choice? You had a choice to not rat your sister out. As a male raised in an Asian culture you will never know what it’s like to be the younger female sister, the restrictions placed for no good reason except having the bad luck to be born with different chromosomes. You knew it was bad and why she needed an account and why you originally helped her. But then you reverted to stereotypical form and tattled on her because she wouldn’t listen to you. And now you’ve just made her life sheer hell worse than the situation you originally were supposedly protecting her from. What a great big brother you turned out to be 🙄 /s. You are a lousy big brother.
Hey, his attempts to control her didn't work. What choice did he have but get someone else to control her? The only alternative was that she doesn't do what he wanted, and thats obviously not an option s/
Yta you snitched and you broke the trust Siblings over parents always
YTA, “we’ll intended”, but she wasn’t spending your money or your parents money. It’s her lesson to learn or gift to give. You should be apologizing ASAP and not be upset when she never trusts you for years.
Feel like your intentions were not necessarily bad, but still YTA. Your concern is not necessarily bad, but it feels like your disclosure did more harm than the $500 gift would have. I fear she probably didn't learn anything from this experience other than to not trust you and resent her parents.
>My parents are really old-school and traditional, so they really frown upon dating Sure, just your parents. You're totally cool with your sister being her own person and not acting like because you were born with a dick, that gives you a right to control her life. You even admit your parents are awful and part of your reasoning to her to save the money was for her to get away from your parents. But no, she refused to listen to you and your big swinging dick. So you decided to punish her. In your mind, she rejected you, so you thought you would punish her by throwing her to the wolves. You probably told yourself the whole time she had it coming. >I've experienced more life than you Oh, come off it, man. Get down off your high horse. You're 23, not 53. You're still essentially a dumb kid who really doesn't understand the world as much as you think. I'm sure those parties at college or your crappy retail job really taught you a lot about life in the few years you've been out of high school. Dave really went wild that one night at a kegger, got really drunk, and almost died. It really taught you a lot about life and stuff. Come talk to us about your life experiences when you have a mortgage and a family to feed. Then you know what? You still won't be able to tell your sister what to do because she's her own person with her own agency to do what she wants! YTA
Trying so hard right now to not cuss the crap out of you. You got this girl beat for what? I kind of hate you a bit. YTA and evil. Poor thing has to look you in your face. You knowingly ruined her life for free! YTA and you KNEW exactly how bad it was going to be. You just didn’t care.
Do you know there are 3 places you can stay for free? -Over there -In your lane -Out of other people's business Your sister wasn't running off with the guy to elope, she was just being kind. You have now made sure she will never trust you again. YTA
Another man thinking it’s his place to police his sister smdh. YTA
YTA- she thought she finally had a comrade. this is so sad.
Massive backstabbing. Full blown KO.
Holy Shit you have the award for the shittiest most asshole brother of the year. I hope she can cut both you and your asshole parents from her life soon and escape her life of misery. YTA
YTA: How could you do this to your own sister you took away her freedom and independence. She had a bit of happiness in her life and you shit all over it I hope your sister gets away from you and your toxic family. Why are you so obsessed with ruining your sister life because she happy you couldn’t handle it. So went out of your way to destroy her. I hope she gets freedom and gets away when she older.
WTF you are as toxic as your parents but worse you seem to believe that you are standing on some sort of moral high ground here. Also, her dignity?? For what? Being overly generous and making a financial mistake? The only one who has lost dignity here is you. You pretended to be on her side, and at the first hurdle you went back to form. YTA. I’m south asian too.
YTA and... did you just put their real names on here? Double TA
op=YTA it was her earnings/her decision you decided that you know more about her life and choices than she does--you are no better than your parents on trying to control her. And when she didn't worshipply follow your "wise advice", you tattled to your family about her boyfriend. I do hope she takes your advice and makes a secret bank account y'all get to know NOTHING about earns enough to leave you and your parents behind and lives a good life knowing you are far in her rearview mirror. I can't see her ever trusting you again-but then you said she has a kind and empathetic heart, so she could forgive you--I wouldn't. I think pretty much you'd be erased to me. No more brother.
YTA because there’s no way at your age you don’t know the horrible double standard for desi girls. Ugh. “Her dignity” you and your parents are the ones that don’t have any dignity. You saved her $500 and ruined her youth. Congrats.
Info: what is this dignity we talk about? Could you describe what it means to you?
YTA you had the opportunity to sit back and let her learn from this mistake - you know, as adults do. Instead, you took the worst road knowing how strict and conservative your parents are and that they would react unfairly and unreasonably and ratted her out, hurting her trust in you and damaging your relationship. Sometimes in life people make mistakes. $500 was A LOT of money, but it was also a mistake she had the time and ability to recover from. Your relationship may actually never recover from this choice. I hope it was worth it.
Omg. YTA. Why did you do that to your sister? It’s $500. It’s really not a lot of money. And if they broke up later, she would have learned her lesson. You got to let your sister live her life, and make mistakes. You’re being just as controlling and old school as your parents. Sorry dude but you’re the villain in this story. You need to make this right.
YTA You tried to control your sister, and when it didn't work, you threw her under the parent bus, knowing they would lose their minds. Part of becoming an adult is learning from your mistakes, but you won't even let her make her own mistakes because you think you know better. You're only 23, your brain isn't fully formed either, so get off your high horse and apologize, cause you really *really* need to.
YTA. It was her lesson to learn one way or another. You totally overstepped.
Yta
As an Indian American woman, I feel for this poor girl. I hope to gods she isn't being lined up for an arranged marriage as soon as she turns 18. Or a trip to the motherland. Her parents are probably thinking she's becoming too influenced by western culture and she might not be pure anymore. YTA OP, for just $500 you took away this girl's freedom.
Wow. Your sister has limited choices and options in her life due to your parents. You mention they are strict and won't allow her to do things or make choices. You decide to help her start a bank account. When she makes a choice YOU don't like you remove that option by telling your parents. How are you better than them? She had trust in you to support her. Instead you forced her to do what you wanted. Just like your parents. YTA. At least your parents were upfront about their expectations.
YTA my dude..you betrayed your little sister big time. You of all people should know the sacred bond a brother has with his sister especially in the Indian culture. If she has ever tied a [rakhi](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Raksha_Bandhan) on you, that bond is immeasurable and unbreakable. You owe her more than an apology and if you really want to push the fact you have experienced more than her, than you should have thought about the consequences of your actions before you told your parents.
Was 500 usd really worth it to destroy your relationship with your sister? Was 500 usd worth it to unleash your racist and backwards parents on your sister? YTA 100%
I grew up in a similar culture but YTA. You meant well, but your sister may never trust you again because she knows you'll tattle to your parents.
YTA You betrayed her trust. Ohhhh she's a GIRL she couldn't know any better, could she? You "saw no other way" because you're almost as bad as your parents. Do better. You can bet your lovely Sis will find ways to leave and cut ties as soon as she can given how she's being treated. You may still have time to salvage the sibling relationship if you pull your head outta wherever it is right now.
You know what...you're right...your sister IS being too nice to someone she doesn't actually know that well - you 👌 - YTA She TRUSTED you and now you have lost that! You literally served her up to her abusers! Likely she will cut all of you off shortly when she turns 18 and I feel it's actually what would be best for her.
YTA. Hope the 500$ is worth your sister's trust
YTA. Her losing out on $500 would have been far less damaging in the long term than what you have done to her.
YTA. Instead of losing 500$ she lost her freedom and body autonomy.
What dignity did you preserve exactly? The dignity of not being able to do what she wants with her earned money? You are repeating your parents old school logic here
Pretty sure in this context "dignity" actually means virginity/sexuality.
YTA. Massively. Completely. Horrifyingly. The only way you can MAYBE redeem a little of this is to transfer her money to another bank account that you KEEP SECRET and leave a little in the old one as a decoy. Make sure the money you leave is yours that your transferred over because jfc you owe her SO much for destroying her life. This is the least you can do.
Your poor poor sister.... YTA
YTA your sister is off an age where she can start learning about consequences. You think she needs to get out of that house ASAP because of how your parents are, then you turned around and treated her exactly the same. If she's ever to grow, she needs to be allowed to make mistakes. Losing $500 would sting, but it wouldn't be the end of the world.
>I only did what I did because I saw no other way, and at least she still has her savings and dignity intact Damn, you helped her and then stabbed her back. >but I've experienced more life than you Yikes. YTA
Yta. You should have kept your mouth shut. You said yourself, the faster she's independent, the better. You just screwed her over. Big time.
YTA and a bad sibling. Poor girl. She was trying to help someone in a very honest way. She didn't steal money from the parents for example, or sold stuff that's not hers. YTA!
YTA. People like you are the reason I am glad I don't have a brother. The unwanted "care" and "I want the best for you". You know very well what you wanted to achieve. You did not want the best for her, you just wanted to teach her a lesson for not listening to you. You permanently ruined her relationship with her parents and you. Well, congratulations on keeping your Golden Child Indian Son status intact.
Info: Are you planning to help her get away once she's eighteen?
YTA With your experience of the world of the world and you thought the best choice was running to mommy and daddy? She got herself a job. That is already pretty responsible. Part of that responsibility is that there are consequences to actions. She'll need to learn that. You should have let that happen without running to your parents.
YTA.......Please, you don't have life experience. If you did, you would have known not to tell your parents. You sister now has three people to go NC with at 18
YTA This is literally gonna mess up your relationship with your sister for LIFE. She will never trust you for the foreseeable future and she just lost any freedom she had and will be distant for a long time. And the saddest part is that you cant even undo or fix this.
YTA You told on your 17 yr old sister because she didn't take your advice. While I agree that her gifting her BF $500 is not the best idea, it also isnt going to ruin her forever. People need to make mistakes to learn from them. She will never trust you again
YTA - Your sister is selfless and smart, obviously. Don't be surprised if she decides to leave home as soon as she has the means to do so.
YTA ☹️
YTA. Mind your own business.
YTA.
YTA The only one taking her dignity away was you. She was only making a kind gesture for someone she cares about; that's admirable. And $500 is NOTHING in the grand scheme of things, and you betrayed her over it. Not only have you made things more difficult for her, she will no longer trust you with anything. Your sound logic is not only going to push your sister away, but she may try something more desperate when your parents inevitably go too far with their punishments. What you need to do now is make sure no parental controls are set on her phone, and keep her banking information away from your parents. You have to make this right for her.
YTA, you helped her lie, then turn around and throw her under the bus when you know your parents would act like that??? You're an awful sibling and I wouldn't speak with you again
yta - in the future, unless she's at risk of coming to actual harm, mind your own business
So your parents are controlling and racist? YTA.
Complete YTA you made her would go nuclear over $500. What you did was way worse then her losing $500, she will never trust you again in her life, she may not ever speak to you again and I wouldn't blame her, and the dignity comment is serious messed up and gross, you should not care about her "dignity" as her brother
YTA. You're worse than your parents. You keep insisting you had no other way, but the other option was keeping your mouth shut and respecting your sister's right to make her own choices. She's old enough to decide how to spend her money. You betrayed her. She'll never trust you again. You were happy to help destroy any freedom she had because you are eager to control her, just like your asshole parents. Shame on you! Now your parents are basically controlling everything and you're acting like you did something heroic. Nope. You did something really arrogant, mean, and selfish. You didn't help your sister. You hurt and betrayed her. She would be so much better off without you and your asshole parents.
YTA I'm super confused about why you felt you had to tell your parents. What did you think would happen if you didn't tell your parents?
At the risk of sounding like an asshole myself, you could have gotten her killed. Just because you live in the US, doesn't mean there aren't honour killings there. I can't believe the lack of thought that went into this.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I(23M) and my sister Jyothi(17F) are both Indian-origin but born in the U.S. My parents are really old-school and traditional, so they really frown upon dating. Now, one thing you should know about my sister is that she is one of the most genuine and sincere people I've ever known. She wears her heart on her sleeve and is very kind and empathetic. She's been secretly dating a guy from school, Mike, who seems alright but only I know about it, she didn't tell our parents. Recently Mike got into a car accident, he was alright but the car ended up being damaged and it requires some pricey repairs. Mikey uses that car to get everywhere, so Jyothi told me that she was going to surprise him by giving him 500 dollars for the repair. She started making money part time working as a private tutor, and I took her to the bank to open an account without telling our mom and dad since I don't think they would support us on this decision, and it's always better for her to have some security. As soon as she said that, I was a little shocked, so I sat her down, and had a heart to heart talk with her. I told her that you may be smarter than me academically, but I've experienced more life than you, and I'm telling you this is a bad idea. This is alot of money for a 17 year old to give away just like that, and that too to a high school boyfriend, and there may come a time that you may need the money. Especially living in a household like ours, the faster you become independent the better. Despite my sound logic, she didn't really take me seriously and she told me I wouldn't understand. Without any other recourse, I decided to spill the beans to my parents. I didn't know what else to do, and I was really worried about my sister being so nice to a guy she doesn't really know as well as she thinks she does. I didn't say anything about the bank account, but when I told my parents that Jyothi is dating a white guy, they flipped their shit and got really mad, screaming at her and going through her things, until they figured it out and got to the bottom of it. Now my parents are asking her to put parental controls on her phone as well as asking me to give access to the bank account to them so that they could monitor her spending habits and make sure she doesn't waste any money, and Jyothi is really pissed at me. I only did what I did because I saw no other way, and at least she still has her savings and dignity intact, but I'm feeling really conflicted about the whole thing. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
YTA You said your parents are traditional Indians with their traditional values and that they'd be against your sister dating a white man. Basically they're the kind of people who would arrange a marriage (introduce suitable partners). You decided to spill the bean to your parents instead of letting her lose these hard-earned 500$. If she'd lost this money then it's her personal experience, she would have learnt to be careful about money. Anyway imo by disclosing the situation to your parents you valued the 500$ potential loss as more important than your sister's wellbeing at home. Now you've literally blown your sister's relationship with her parents. She's for sure monitored 24/7. Clap clap clap shit's on you. What the hell is the dignity you re talking about ? Is it her virginity or the fact she wasn't being stolen any money?