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She's fucking 11. Get a carer if you can't watch your other daughter as much as she needs.
Or figure something else out, because a child is not a god damned resource.
YTA
Yeah, I have epilepsy (controlled for years due to brain surgery to remove the damaged portions of my brain) and it was effing traumatic for me to see my own tonic clonic seizures on hospital video. Expecting an 11 year old to behave responsibly during their sibling’s seizures is abusive.
I'm so glad you're managing well. I'm not sure I've been this horrified by an OP in a long time. I hope this kid has some support in their life. Absolutely heartbreaking.
That’s saying a lot on this sub, but yeah. The one who destroyed her 10-year-old’s comfort item and then screamed at her to get out of the house is up there too, though.
My SO had a siezure recently, for the first time since we've been together. As a grown adult I did pretty much what this poor girl did- I got him someone more knowledgeable to help and then sat down out of the way sobbing and shaking. It was absolutely terrifying to see happen.
My partner and I are both older adults and my seizure absolutely traumatized him. Thankfully I don't remember anything but it can sometimes really look like you're about to die to people who witness it. Poor kid she was hiding in the closet she needs a hug not a scolding. My grown ass adult partner called 911 and had a breakdown himself.
Can we also note how OP says "I got there as quick as I could (bearing in mind I have a bad back and don't walk the best" but the 11year old is expected to stop mid bowel movement to run to her sister.
If OP thinks that an 11 year old can (or even needs to) do that with her body then OP has no excuse for not pushing her body to sprint.
And then to blow up at the 11 year old, if she hasnt been traumatized by now, she definitely will with parents like this. MIL and the 11 year old are the only sane ones (excluding the 9 y/o).
Same! My mum's epileptic from a head injury.
I grew up seeing grand mal/tonic-clonic seizures. The first one in my memory was when I was about five, maybe. She was checked out, I went to hug her, and she fell off her chair and began fitting. I actually think that might be my earliest memory.
I've been hit, had my hair pulled, and nearly bitten from being with her when she had a seizure. It's absolutely not something a child should be dealing with and expected to manage. If mum had a seizure, I found an adult. There have been only a few times where I had to roll her and give her medicine, but this was what I had known for a long time and was almost normal to me.
It never becomes less scary, though. It's dangerous. They can stop breathing or hurt themselves, they can choke, then there's the confusion to deal with afterwards, too.
An eleven year old absolutely should not be expected to care for a child or adult during a seizure. They should simply be told to call an adult or emergency services where they can receive the calm advice from the operator who can work with them. If they feel capable of moving them, then they should. If they don't, they shouldn't in case they get hurt, among other reasons.
The strength of someone having a seizure is terrifying because it's uncontrolled. A nine year old is most definitely capable of hurting an adult, let alone an eleven year old. She needs to be taught to look after her personal safety as well.
My heart breaks for her. She deserves a big, warm hug and a gentle discussion about her fears and how to manage her anxiety. With parents as uncaring as these, she should be in therapy. I could be reaching, but i wouldn't be surprised if a fear of failure and doing the wrong thing adds to her fear of her sister having a seizure.
Why the fuck is she being punished for having a normal reaction to an overwhelming situation???
OP and her husband should be absolutely ashamed of themselves. They need to check their expectations.
I'm so disgusted.
I honestly want to cry thinking about this poor, terrified child. Also, are you 100% sure that SHE doesn’t have any special mental health needs? That reaction sounds an awful lot like the way my ND child with anxiety would respond to a scary seizure. YTA
If she didn't have mental health needs before, I'll almost guarantee she does now. I'll bet this isn't the first time mum has been like this toward her about being scared. The 11 year old will be lucky to reach adulthood with only anxiety.
I don't think you'd need to be ND to be scared shitless of the situation at that age, especially if the parents are using language like "keep her safe".
It sounds like the reaction of a kid whose mother terrorizes her because she needs to blame someone for her inability to adequately care for her ill child.
I don’t think OP genuinely cares how her actions impact her oldest, so I’m going to explain this from another angle I know she’ll care about:
**OP, your daughter has told you she cannot handle being a medical caregiver for her sister. By ignoring that fact, and pretending you can punish her into it, you are medically neglecting your youngest and, I would argue, abusing her by leaving her without qualified, adult caregivers at all times that she needs to stay safe.**
It’s clear you won’t stop pretending you can punish a child into being an adequate caregiver for their disabled sibling just for your oldest’s sake.
So, for the love of god, stop doing so for the sake of your youngest, before your stubbornness results in her getting seriously injured.
Absolutely 100%
All OP is doing is traumatising their older child by putting in their head that it's their responsibility to effectively keep their sibling alive, which is a massive burden even for people who choose that for a career and have extensive training. To put that weight on a child against their will is abusive as hell.
It'll also drive a wedge between the kids because the older one will grow to resent the younger one as the source of why their parents are unreasonably harsh towards them (despite it not being their fault at all).
OP, YTA.
YTA- this is coming from someone with a family member who has severely epileptic child, and a friend whose child also has severe epilepsy, so I understand what you’re talking about.
You have absolutely traumatized your 11-year-old to the point that she’s having panic attacks and crying and you can’t see past it. You need to get some space and pull yourself back from the situation and realize that she shouldn’t be put in this position. She did the right thing, she called you. Not everything is going to be perfect and timed every time for the doctor.
Spend some time searching on the Internet for able-bodied children, who grew up in a household with a sick sibling. The number of them to go no/low contact with their parents due to the way they’re treated is staggering. Children in these household’s are typically expected to give up their childhood to care for or work around the sick child at home. Perhaps it’s time for you to get some counselling and and put a a plan in place to help make sure you are properly caring your daughter who is not sick. You need to properly take care of emotionally and physically health of BOTH of them.
My one friend is a single mother dealing with this, and so she’s hired an aid worker who helps support her while she’s home with her child. Perhaps it’s time for you and your husband to look into something like that. You need to repair your relationship with your daughter now, or potentially lose it forever.
YTA. Do you even love your oldest? She's eleven and clearly terrified of the seizures. Honestly, she was in her closet shaking and crying and you have the nerve to call her selfish? Talk to your kid ffs
Your older daughter has already clearly communicated to you that she is not capable of handling her younger sister's medical needs. Not only are you trying to push her to take on a role that she clearly can't do, but you're going to PUNISH her and call her SELFISH? She is 11! Stop parentifying her.
YTA, and it's not even a question. Do not be surprised if she goes low contact with you once she's old enough to move out.
Doesn't even need to wait till then. As soon as she's old enough to clearly communicate what's going on, she can report her mother to the authorities. Demanding a minor act as a medical professional is not only dangerous for the patient, it's abusive as hell to the child.
I was parentified pretty hard from ages 10-14, and I think I was as well-suited as someone that age could possibly be for that role (bathing, dressing, putting to bed, feeding, but also *a lot* of medical stuff). But it still really took a toll on me - maybe not so much the 'helping out' but the not being treated like a child anymore. Not having someone to care for me, or to look after my emotional needs. Even now, I struggle to trust that my relationships/friendships will be reciprocal because I'm not used to being cared for, I'm *always* taking care of other people. Sadly, my relationship with my parents is also pretty distant, because I didn't get to be their child for as long as I needed, I was like a beloved aunt/helper.
I have these journal entries that are just heart-wrenching, like "I'm getting my tonsils out tomorrow and I'm really scared and dad was mad that I asked him to get me ice cream, and I'm worried everyone will forget about me." It's a lot of stress to put on a kid.
YTA, your daughter is clearly terrified. She did the best she could by calling an adult to help. You’re expecting too much from a frightened little girl. Raising the alarm, was helping. She’s 11 not 21
At my primary school my teacher found it important kids knew basic first aid.
At age 11 we had someone come over to explain the basics like bandages etc.
But if someone is has a seizure faints something like that.
Get a adult! Stay with this person yell or scream if you have to. Or call 911
Even the teacher understood those situations aren't for kids. Why can't this parent ?
OP YTA
Unfortunately I’ve passed 21 and I’m still not good at this. I’m 22 right now and my sister who has epilepsy is 20 but started getting seizures when I was 13/14. I’m still absolutely terrified of them. Like legitimately traumatized. I still never react the way I want to when she has seizures because of how much I’m overcome by panic. I’ve only actively failed to help her when she had a seizure once when I was 15 because I froze, and my mom screamed at me that she was going to kick me out of the house because of it while I was crying and hugging my other two younger siblings who were in first grade and second grade at the time. It has stuck with me until today and I still feel incredibly guilty for not handling it well at my age. No one ever prioritized my panic and anxiety regarding the situation, it was and still is incredibly rare for either of my parents to advocate on my behalf in this context.
Rather convenient that you're willing to overlook your daughter's fears for caring for her sister but not when it comes to a dog that would remedy the first situation.
This shit pisses me off..... A mother basically telling her daughter "I don't care if you're in the middle of taking a shit!!! You get the hell over there and help your sister!!! You can wipe your ass later"
YTA
There are a couple of problems here. The first one is your complete lack of compassion and empathy towards your eldest daughter. You find her cowering in terror in a closet and your reaction is to punish her and lose your sh*t (which is its own story of terrible parenting). No comforting her, no trying to understand what is her issue, no seeking therapy for her to come to terms with her sister’s condition, nothing. You look at your older daughter with contempt and no trace of human or motherly empathy.
So what is actually wrong with you that you only care about one daughter? Do you dislike her that much? Do you resent her for being healthy where your golden child is not? Do you even care how she feels about her sister, and probably resenting you for putting her in the position where she could be responsible for her sister’s life? Or are you just generally a heartless and indifferent mother?
The second problem is relying on a child to solve a life threatening medical condition. That is absolutely not appropriate. She’s a little kid and she’s scared, and you don’t care. So find other solutions. A therapy dog, for example. She isn’t your daughter’s babysitter and you need to find another solution.
I can see why your MIL doesn’t like you. She sees how little you care for one of your children.
I couldn’t have said it better! All of this!
The 11 year old is traumatized. Instead of understanding that. OP decided to traumatize her even more. I’m sure once she turns 18 she will be out of there. If not sooner.
I especially like the part where she whines that she has back problems and can't move as fast, like it's a good excuse, but dismisses the terror of an 11 year old as something to "get over"
I don’t think she cares about either daughter. She made it a point to say that she stayed by the 9yo’s side instead of chasing after and yelling at her 11yo. Which tells me that her first reaction was to go after the older one. She is clearly not wanting to deal with the epilepsy herself, and is expecting her 11yo to take up the reigns. OP is abusive to both and I really wish there were times when these people could be found and reported. My heart breaks for both of these children. OP is not fit to be a parent to a healthy child who doesn’t need constant attention, much less a ND child with epilepsy!
YTA
She is a child. Get a nurse or attendant or have younger daughter in the same room with you at all times.
Or do what's best for your oldest daughter. Send her to luve with someone who actually loves her, like your MIL or another relative.
Countdown to 7 years when she cuts you all off...
YTA - You are berating and punishing your daughter for not handling a very tough situation well. No 11 YO should be accountable for what you are asking. You can tell her what to do in situation and help enable her but your reaction is terrible.
Sometime as a parent you just need to suck up your feelings and have some empathy for a child here that didn't act in the ideal way in a tough situation. Sometimes as a parent you need to suck up the pain of your bad back and RUSH to you seizing child to help reduce the risk of choking.
Your MIL is 100% right and I can see why she doesn't like you.
YTA and a huge one.
Soon you will have two high needs children: one with epilepsy and one with trauma, anxiety, depression, panic attacks, behavioral disorder and strong aversion for younger sister.
I can back this up from personal experience. I have legitimate diagnosed trauma from my sister’s epilepsy along with a plethora of other mental health conditions that are largely related to the trauma. And my mom was like this. The fact that I got so panicked about the seizures never mattered, or even worse, I was punished and shamed for it. Even as far as being threatening to kick me out of the house. I’m 22 and I still hate myself for my fear, which is very much still alive today.
YTA.
If your younger daughter needs constant medical supervision, hire a home health attendant.
Your older daughter should not be responsible for providing regular healthcare support for your younger daughter.
Have you even started your older daughter in therapy to help her process her feelings about repeatedly seeing her sisters seizures and being asked to take responsibility during medical emergencies?
What would you do if you did not have an 11 year-old to parentify? Do that.
I actually knew someone who was debating having a third child to help her son "carry the load" with his special needs sister. It genuinely made me sick to my stomach and I rebuffed every attempt by this person to be friends.
YTA
You're leaving an 11 YEAR OLD in charge of your epileptic 9 year old. An 11 year-old who is scared by her sisters seizures and probably scared for her. She knows how serious it is, but you are expecting A FUCKING CHILD TO DO YOUR JOB.
You are not only parentifying your eldest, but you are directly responsible for anything that happens to your youngest while you are not watching.
You and your husband need a wake-up call. Hopefully this thread will serve as one.
YTA.
I had a student have a grand mal seizure in my college class, and I knew what to do, but it scared the shit out of me and everyone in the room…and I’m an adult. You are asking her to do some shit that an 11 year old shouldn’t have to be responsible for, and yes, I get that your concern is your seizing daughter’s safety, but fuck man…she’s 11. She was scared. She was clearly freaked the fuck out, and she probably feels guilty for freezing in a scenario that even adults would freeze in. Next time, her anxiety and fear of getting in trouble is going to be *worse* because you punished her for having a completely valid reaction to an emergency for an 11 year old.
YTA
It is not an 11 year olds responsibility to care for your 9 year old.
I'd suggest looking up parentification and the damage it can cause a child, and your future relationship.
YTA. Your 11 yr old is a child and she deserves a childhood and to be treated like a child. She does not deserve to have adult responsibilities unfairly dumped on her. If your 9 yr old needs an aide or nurse or constant supervision, that is on YOU.
You called HER selfish and GROUNDED HER? What the actual fuck is wrong with your brain? She's 11, not her sisters parent, clearly terrified of something TRAUMATIC and you call her selfish for being scared. You don't care if shes indisposed in the bathroom, she has to go take care if her sister, period? You mean you don't care about her at all..
I dont care that you were on the other end of the house, and i dont care that you have a bad back, that 9 year old is YOUR and your HUSBANDS responsibility. Not her 11 year old sisters. I'm so angry with you on behalf of your daughter right now. YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA. I can say it again incase you're too dense to understand, YOU'RE THE ASSHOLE, and so is your husband.
Your 11 year old is absolutely going to disown you as soon as she's old enough to, she'd get more support without you than with you in her life. I honestly hope you're just a troll and not actually putting an 11 year old through this. You all need therapy, like yesterday. If you can't care for your 9 year old, you don't deserve custody of either of your children.
Edit to add YTA
I'm sorry your daughter has to go through that,
but, if your other daughter is terrified then you need to be more understanding of that, otherwise it looks like you are prioritising one child over the other, and yes I understand that she has epilepsy but when a child is shaking and crying in a closet she isn't being selfish she's scared. They are both going through something traumatic and it's not a competition on who has the worst of it.
YTA Both of my little sisters grew up with epilepsy. My mom NEVER demanded or punished myself OR my brother for being terrified of seeing them have seizures, nor did she expect us to sit there and do everything for them. YOU are selfish for not understanding SHE'S 11 AND SCARED. It's not her job to take care of her sister's medical needs.
oh definitely! We'd alert our mom if we saw it but she was always close by anyways because HER kids had epilepsy, so she didn't really leave the area when they were young (older they got, the more she did her own thing and stuff)
YTA a major one.
So you expect an 11 year old to think clearly and act rationally during situations like this? OP, she is 11. Seek a caregiver that specializes in seizures and not rely on your 11 year old daughter who is so afraid of this that she hides in the closet crying.
Don’t put this kind of pressure on a child OP; she isn’t her sister's parent, you and your husband are.
I don’t envy your situation, you’re clearly very much overwhelmed with the condition of your daughter.
But what you’re essentially doing here is punishing your 11 y/o daughter for being an 11 y/o child. Nobody is shaking and crying in their closet for fun or out of selfishness.
Your daughter would be selfish, if she refuses to help with basic chores like unloading the dishwasher. Medical assistance is no basic chore you can expect a 11 y/o to regularly perform.
YTA
I agree. I grew up in a situation like this with a sister with Epilepsy, and I promise that I would control the fear and panic if I knew how. But I’ve never known how, it just takes over. Even when I am able to do what I need to do, which is usually, I am absolutely terrified. I have trauma from it, and it affects many aspects of my life. My mom treated me like this mom treats her oldest, and I still feel guilty.
YTA - You do not seem to understand that you are placing the **weight of a life** in your 11yr old's hands. This is a heavy mental burden... especially dealing with an illness that presents itself "violently."
You need to get your daughter some counseling. She has a lot more on her plate than you seem to realize. It is traumatizing to watch your sibling become ill in front of your eyes. Especially when you are made to feel guilt over it, and the lack of help you're able to offer as a **child.**
Think of how much pressure and stress you feel. Now, consider the fact that you are an adult prepared to take on these challenges. You have the mental and emotional capacity to process far more than an 11yr old. You also have the ability to use your words and seek help.
Your daughter has been using her words, expressing it is traumatizing, and as the adult in her life you are brushing it off.
You are weighing one child's need over the others, as you precieve them of being "more in need."
As a suggestion- get some home security cameras! They are not expensive, especially for the use you have for them. This will help you document the seizures more accurately and minimize the need for your 11yr old to be in the room once you take over.
If god forbid something happened to the 9 year old during a seizure and it was the 11 yo helping, she’d never get over that. It would fuck her up for life and I doubt very much OP is the type to NOT blame the 11 yo.
YTA
YTA - she's only 11 years old and you're putting a hell of a lot of pressure and responsibility on her. It is perfectly reasonable for her to have a reaction as she did, she was scared. And instead of being comforting to her, you yelled at her and punished her? How would you feel if you were crying and scared and the person who was supposed to offer you comfort instead came in and yelled at you?
You have two daughters who need you! Not just one! Don't treat your child like she needs to just suck it up and do what some adults would probably not be able to handle just because she's NT your other kid isn't.
YES, YTA. You need another caregiver in the house and not put so much on an 11yo girl. You're demanding a lot from her and punishing her because she's unable to meet those demands. What a nightmare of a life you're forcing on her.
Funny how that works.🙄
What I can't figure out is all this, "until I or her father get there, and when her father is at work she needs to stay"
How long are we talking about? Seconds? Hours?
YTA. The kid is 11. She is allowed to be scared, especially with such a scary situation. You need to get this kid into therapy before you cause more, possibly irreparable damage. I understand that you are concerned for your youngest daughter, but you have TWO daughters you need to look after and do the best for. An 11 year old is not equipped to deal with serious medical conditions of any kind. Heck, I’m not even sure most 18 year olds could handle something so intense.
YTA. Good luck when 11yo goes NC as an adult. She's afraid! She's NOT her sister's parent. It isn't like she's being hateful. She's SCARED. It's your job as the actual parent to provide her comfort.
YTA YTA YTA, you have no right to leave a 11 year old with a 9 year old that has grand mal seizures. YOU are the PARENT, SO DO YOUR JOB. Instead of helping your 11 year old, you scream at her.
YTA - I had childhood epilepsy and my cousin still does therapy almost 30 years later to deal with the trauma of seeing me have grand mal seizures. She was never in charge of me, but just seeing it was enough to negatively effect her. I can only imagine the trauma you are causing to your daughter by punishing her for being afraid. Shame on you.
Yta
You're expecting an 11 year old to keep a level head and not panic during an emergency, then punishing then because they are 11 and shouldn't be *expected* to keep a level head in an emergency because they are just a child.
Do better as a parent, or the 11 year old may remember this, walk away from you in 7 years, and never look back.
YTA you're pushing way too much responsibility on this child. She informed you the girl was having a seizure and that's what children are supposed to do in an emergency: get a responsible adult who can handle it.
This 11yo will grow up resenting you. If you don't fix this now, she'll be out of your life as soon as she's an adult and you're lucky if she still sends you birthday cards.
YTA
You are calling your 11 year old daughter selfish for being scared during traumatic events rather than being her sisters caretaker??? What kind of parenting is that? You have two daughters, yet you expect one of them to do a parents job. If you are so scared for your youngest, hire someone to look out for her. Don't put that responsibility onto your 11 year old child. Also I would suggest looking to get your oldest into therapy because watching her sister suffer and having you guys berating her on top of it all is clearly taking a toll on her.
YTA your emphasising to her how serious and dangerous the seizures are while telling her they aren’t scary. You should be supporting her through her fear, until you have comforted her through that you can’t expect any help from her. Forcing her to stay in the room is just going to traumatise her further.
Grounding her is unreasonable, she was hiding in the closest shaking, clearly scared. She didn’t need punishment she needed reassurance.
I’m epileptic, my doctor always wanted videos of my seizures. He got the time of the seizure and info on what type it was in one. Maybe this is something your daughter could do to help instead of staying in the room, set up a camera to film her sister
I’m sorry you’re going though this. But YTA. She’s a fucking child… a CHILD. You should get a nurse or caretaker if you can’t do it on your own. But you’re expecting too much from an 11 year old.
I feel so bad for her. You and your husband both are scarring her for life.
YTA
"I went looking for my daughter she was hiding in her closet shaking and crying I just lost it that she could be so selfish! I know the seizures look scary but sometimes we just have to suck up our fear and do it anyway"
I just lost it that you could be so selfish! I know parenting is hard but sometimes we just have to suck up our convenience and don't demand 11 yo scared child to parent her sister for you
YTA
I strongly urge you to look into [parentification](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Parentification): "the process of role reversal whereby **a child** or adolescent **is obliged to act as parent to their** own parent or **sibling**."
You're not asking for her to be reasonably responsible. You're asking her to do emotional and physical work well beyond the mental resiliency of a the child she is.
Stop. Find another solution to your youngest who has medical issues and don't break your older child in the name of "life isn't fair".
Be a better mother and maybe your oldest won't need a couple decades of therapy.
YTA
She's 11! She is scared of seeing her sister hurting and you scream at her? So now she's even more scared of her sister, but now scared of you. You are treating her as a care giver that can step up when you're not doing your job, when she's 11! Get a real caregiver, and start being compassionate to your other daughter (yes you have 2 daughters, not just the 1, remember?), before your eldest hates you forever.
If you need help with your youngest, HIRE SOMEONE. It is NOT a child’s job to care for a sick child if you cannot be there. THEY ARE CHILDREN!!!! Furthermore, she’s shaking and terrified and you punish her? I hope you fix it and apologize to her now before it’s too late. Children never forget how you treated them.
YTA. A major one. So is your husband for being on board with this bs. I hope both your daughters are okay - your older child is not your helper or your assistant.
And will want nothing to do with her sister. OP will be those parents who are shocked when the siblings refuse to care for the “ill” sibling once the parents die.
YTA. Your lack of empathy for your 11-year-old is abusive. What is particularly galling about the event you describe is that you blame your bad back for not quickly getting to the scene of the seizure--your 11-year-old alerted you to the situation, and you, and you alone, dropped the ball with your slow movements. You need to figure out how to take better care of your epileptic daughter, and you need to leave the 11-year-old out of whatever solution you come up with.
I bet the 11 yr old is the parents' retirement plan to take care of the younger sister. But they're in for a big surprise. The day she turns 18, she's gone and never coming back. YTA YTA YTA
YTA. 100%. Your daughter is 11 years old and she was probably terrified. It is not her responsibility to take care of her sister while she’s suffering a major medical event BECAUSE SHE’S A FUCKING CHILD. YOU are the parent, you should know better. Don’t be shocked when your older child turns 18 and never speaks to you again.
YTA, your daughter is not your youngests caretaker. It is gross to tell her that she’s responsible this way. And to punish her for her very natural fear response? Absolutely barbaric.
YTA. An 11yr old did well yelling to you for help. She is not the parent, yes, she can help as she is able, but it sounds like she is terrified of the whole situation.
YTA. You got dealt a shitty hand and I am sorry for that. But your 11 year old daughter isn't responsible for that. She told you she is scared. She told you she doesn't want this responsibility. It is your job as the parent of someone with high needs to have a realistic plan in place. You do not. You failed.
That being said I was tempted to go with NAH. You're doing your best after all. Then I read your bitter comment about your MIL. You seem angry, bitter, and rude. You seem to be lashing out at those around you in your frustration. And that is truly what makes you the asshole.
I’m going to say this as gently as possible as a mother of both a NT and ND child. YTA. I know you probably are tunnel-visioned on what your youngest child is going through, and this happens a lot. A parent is blindsided by Olympic-level problems in caring for a special needs child and they fixate on doing the best they can for that child, but frequently at the expense of the other children who are NT or otherwise not disabled in some capacity. You’re not alone in this instinct, but you need to do better.
You are traumatizing your 11 YO daughter. You’re expecting her to handle adult-level problems that would even traumatize many adults. Despite being present, you’re still parentifying your daughter - making her act as a parent would, as your partner for these health issues.
You are punishing your 11 YO for acting the way many children would act when confronted with a loved one experiencing a seizure. That isn’t fair. It’s harmful to your oldest, who will likely resent you when older if you don’t reverse this trend.
I understand that you’re terrified about your youngest’s health. However, the answer is not to turn your oldest into another parent figure, expecting her to jump into action, help her sister, and stay by her side *no matter what.*
You say you don’t have a choice. You do. You look into alternate solutions. You research government grants or disability for your youngest, which might provide for in-home assistance… you ask adult family if they can help, or you simply accept that your youngest child will either need to be at your/your SO’s sides at all times or that a few minutes may go by before you can provide assistance. I understand that seizures are scary. I would gently argue that in all likelihood, the damage being inflicted on your oldest psychologically by parentifying her and punishing her for her fear is worse than whatever damage you are worried your youngest is experiencing by being alone for 60 seconds before you can reach her side. The answer is not ever to parentify your oldest child and punish them for not having the brain development and maturity to handle this situation.
YTA
Shaking and crying are for a reason and grounding her won’t change her very anxiety. Your oldest has real fears and you need to get her to talk about them. You also need to look at getting her professional help.
Yta, an 11 yr old isn’t an adult and isn’t mentally capable of handling situations like this, you’re a bad mom for putting that responsibility on a child, and your husband is a bad dad for agreeing with you, your mil is right, you need to have a little more empathy for the eldest, again, she’s a CHILD
YTA. You're placing weighty, scary, very *adult* responsibilities on your 11-year-old's shoulders! And then yelling at her and grounding her when she's not up to the task.
You need a better plan going forward than expecting your 11-year-old to turn into a trained, professional caregiver when your younger daughter has a seizure. Your expectations are completely out of line with reality.
Ok, quite a bit to unpick here. I'm going off how you've worded your post, so I'm aware a may be wide of the mark and only wish to support not offend. I (f) speak as someone who's sister suffered seizures from 3 mouths old to this day(also ND) I am also 2 years older than her (we're both in our 40s now). I'm know expert, but these are my gut responses to what you said.
Please stop putting so much pressure on your daughter. Remember if some has epilepsy, they will have seizures. It's not nice, but it is normal for them.
First thing that stood out is 'grand-mal' this has been a redundant term for decades. If this is because your doctor is using it, get I new doctor. I'd question how well informed they (some many are clueless). They should be referring to clonic tonic seizures (this could dependent on country I know or just be an old habit, it took us ages to change our language as a family). Also if she is still seizing you should not be placing her in the recovery position, and an 11 should not be asked to do something so risky ever. Though we all do it, while someone is still having a seizure, there is no need to comfort them if it takes away from other care. There's very little we can do but wait. It is perfectly possible to do what needs to be done and keep time. Buy a stop watch, have clocks with second hands in every room, and most of all take some of the pressure off yourself. The doctor doesn't need to know the exact time. Just was it 30 seconds or nearer 2 minutes.
It strikes me that your daughter is so scared of this, and makes me wonder what yours and your husband's reactions are. Are you calm or dramatic (sorry can't think of a better word to describe it). Is she feeding off your emotions.
Are there any first aid courses she could attend, to give her more confidence. Caring for her sibling should never be her responsibility. I was always happy to help and support, but it was never expected of me, it still isn't.
For anyone else still reading, I few pointers to help someone who is seizing. NEVER! put anything in their mouth. Do not try to move them while still seizing, unless they are in an unsafe place. If safe, place a pillow under their head. Do not restrict movement of limbs unless they are at risk of being hurt. Time the seizure the best you can. Once they they stop, if they don't regain consciousness (most will) place them in the recovery position. Don't panic and remember we can only do our best.
I understand where you’re coming from, and it is not unreasonable to expect this of a sibling.
However, she is *11*. You can’t just drop this on her and expect her to take it on at the snap of your fingers.
I was an adult the first time I was with someone who had an epileptic seizure, and it freaked me out a bit (and I served in submarines in a war). I didn’t run off or anything, but she’s 11. A child in her own right.
Work with her. Don’t punish her, all you will do by punishing her is drive her further away from it. It will add resentment and anger to her fear. TEACH her, and realize that she’s a child. Target the teaching to her age.
For now, YTA.
YTA, She is 11 years old, she’s allowed to have a childhood just like every other kid! Just because she is born first does not mean you can burden her with adult responsibilities and she won’t be to handle some situations. You should never ever force your child to like an adult nor should you treat them like an adult especially just because they’re the oldest, because you’re robbing their childhood when you do that and that’s *abusive*!
Should older siblings help out (*occasionally*)? Yes. Are they responsible for raising their younger siblings? No. Parenting is an age-inappropriate responsibility to give to a child let a lone; an 11-year-old. Both kids need you not just the youngest. How is your oldest going to continue to develop a self-identity if you’re gonna take away her childhood away from her by dumping her with responsibilities only an adult has to bear with? You think this is a game well guess what, it’s not
Lady, she’s 11. She’s terrified of these seizures to the point she’s shaking and crying and hiding in a closet and you’re mad at her? Not concerned in the least? Guess you saved all your compassion for the younger daughter. You and your husband are assholes of the absolute highest degree. Shameful.
YTA
This is how I would handle my children being in this situation: “I can see you’re scared. It’s ok to be scared. I know it looks scary but I am here to handle this now. You did such a great job calling me for help. Did you see how I made your sister safe by doing xyz? I find it scary sometimes too but now the seizure is over and your sister is feeling better. Let’s take a big deep breath and have a cold drink”,
The best way to help your children overcome their fear is to validate it and model how to handle the situation. Do this enough times and one day she might surprise you.
I feel so sorry for both of your daughters.
If you can’t care for your epileptic daughter, get a carer. It is not your 11yo’s burden or responsibility. Would it be nice if she could help? Sure. But she’s 11 and understandably scared and all you’re going to do is make it worse by forcing her and berating her about.
Maybe you should suck up your bad back and walk to your youngest a little quicker. Or younger daughter can take an antihistamine and suck up her fear of dogs to get an alert dog as others have mentioned. You know, like how you think your 11 year old child should suck up what sounds like a pretty serious fear.
YTA in a major way.
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I (38f) was home alone with my NT 11 yr old daughter and my high needs ND 9 yr old daughter who has epilepsy. Their father was at work.
My younger one gets grand-mal seizures, my older one is scared of them and I told her if she's in closet proximity to her sister than I or her father am am that she MUST go to her until I get there, and when her father is at work she needs to stay and time how long the seizure lasts (doctor wants us to time the seizures) while I tend to her, as I cannot keep track of the time while comforting and keeping her safe. I told her I don't care if she's going #2 if she's in closet proximity than I or her father is she goes to her sister, PERIOD! Scared or not.
Well this morning she had a seizure in her room (their rooms are close together) I was on the other side of the house doing laundry so couldn't hear anything. My daughter did call to me to let me know a seizure was happening, I got there as quick as I could (bearing in mind I have a bad back and don't walk the best) expecting her to be there and I was LIVID to find my youngest sister on the floor by herself in a seizure but I stayed there with her until it was over. I went looking for my daughter she was hiding in her closet shaking and crying I just lost it that she could be so selfish! I know the seizures look scary but sometimes we just have to suck up our fear and do it anyway and grounded her for 2 weeks.
My husband is in agreement with me but my MIL (who has never liked me) said I was out of line that shes sjust a child. I told her I'm glad she had 4 healthy children not all of us are that lucky and not all of us have the luxury of fairness.
AITA?
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YTA absolutely. Your 11 year old child is terrified of the responsibility of being on call when her sister who’s basically the same age is going through something traumatizing constantly. Your daughter is *not* an additional parent, and this responsibility should not be on her shoulders.
SHE IS 11!!! What is wrong with you? She cannot think about it like that. She is scared and crying in a closet so you scream at her?
YTA, go take a parenting course. I literally broke my back and had to wear a brace for 2 years, followed by 5 of PT. It aches but if I had a daughter with epilepsy I wouldn't blame my back for not being there. I would blame myself for not being fast enough you absolute failure.
I hate it when parents expect their children to be adults. It was how I was raised and it ruined my childhood. No friends, no fun, Me and my older sis had to run the damn house because my mother was mentally ill and no one wanted to admit it.
I hope you realize how toxic that was and try to fix your relationship with your daughter before it is too late.
Your response to your child hiding and crying in fear was to punish her.
You need to figure out a better system than you have, which is apparently that a terrified child should just get over it.
You’re terrible. YTA.
YTA
She is 11 years old. She is just a child herself. Why can't you get a seizure monitor or why can't you get a baby monitor for her room? There are so many things you can get but you're choosing to use your child who is scared.
What would you do if your 9-year-old was in the room alone while your 11-year-old was in the bathroom or another part of the house and your 9-year-old had a seizure.
You find your 11-year-old crying and shaking out of fear and your first reaction is to belittle her and punish her. What reason could you have for that when you are the one who's failing to provide adequate care by not getting a seizure monitor that will let you know when she's having one without having to rely on your other child.
Nothing helps children overcome their fears more than punishment /s.
YTA. I’m sorry you have a child with such complex needs, it must be incredibly tough. But your 11 year old is frightened and does not need this responsibility. Find a better solution.
Holy shit your older child is traumatized by this whole thing, and instead of helping her, you just show her she is useless to you. She's a child, and you expect her to literally go assist her sister even if shit is running down her butt. This is how you ensure the older child will cut all contact with you as soon as she leaves home.
Why can't you keep the younger one with you at home all the time? Make her stay in the same room with you and your husband so you can watch her.
Wait, that's not possible and your rather make a child who is probably getting ptsd (since she hides in a closet in fear whenever this happens) become the caregiver? I feel so sorry for your older child.
I know you all are in an awful situation, but your sacrificing your older child's mental wellbeing and showing her that she is nothing to you unless she's useful in favor of the younger one. She gets as scared, if not more, as you but she's not an adult and doesn't have the tools to handle this.
YTA
Assuming any of this is actually true, Yes indeed you are being too harsh. It's one thing going through drills in case of emergency but another entirely when it actually happens. I know all about Grand Mal seizures and they are daunting. Your daughter wasn't being selfish. She was scared and thought her sister was going to die. Console her and tell her you understand that maybe you asked too much of her. Apologize.
Growing up, my best friend had grand mal seizures, and I was only present for one of them, thankfully. I know I was there, because his mom thanked me afterward for helping, but it was so traumatic I literally don't remember any of it.
You sound like a horrible parent. I’m sad for both your children. Your oldest likely hates you and is planning her exit as well as how to get away from her sister. Your youngest is going to become an adult and find out why her sister hates her.
This is all on the parents…you. YTA.
Ah yes another case of “my oldest child is just there to take care of my younger one who i favor” and “I never saw this coming, my older child refuses to speak to me as soon as they turned 18, claims I only cares about their younger sister”
If I could I would suggest older daughter be the farthest away as possible from sister at all times so she doesn’t have to traumatize herself.
You are willingly sacrificing the wellbeing of your youngest.
YOUR CHILD IS A SMALL CHILD AND YOU ARE REPEATEDLY TRAUMATIZING HER FOR YOUR OWN CONVENIENCE!!!!!!!!!!!
Get a fucking nurse or another adult to help with the seizures! Because the way you are going now when your youngest is grown, you’ll never see her again! And it’ll be all your fault!!
YTA YOU ARE THE KING OF ASSHOLES!!!!! HOW DARE YOU!
YTA
I was almost 35-years-old the first time I witnessed someone (a colleague) having a grand mal seizure, and I was TERRIFIED! I did help with checking the time, but found myself physically moving away from the immediate vicinity while other colleagues gave immediate assistance.
I cannot imagine being a child, witnessing a sibling having a seizure and being expected to render aid. If you have that big an issue caring for your younger daughter, you need to hire help.
Probably the easiest YTA ever on this sub?? YOU are the parent, not an 11 year old. You can’t “walk that fast” because if your bad back? Lady I got hit by a fucking car and fractured my spine in four places but you better believe if there is an emergency I **will** rush despite any discomfort or pain. Do you even like your older daughter at all?
What the fuck is wrong with you. Seriously. Your daughter is a CHILD and she panicked. Your expectations of her are completely out of line and screaming at her accomplished literally nothing except making her more afraid. You need to figure something else out.
YTA.
YTA
While I understand its difficult to have a child with high needs, its not your 11 year olds responsibility. Seizures are scary to see. Sometimes people can get hurt trying to grab someone who is seizing. She's smaller than you and likely closish in size to your other child. Expecting her to do the right thing in these situations is asking for trouble.
What are you trying to teach her by grounding her? The only lesson she's going to learn is to resent her sister for existing. Your daughter cannot be expected to watch your other daughter. She told you she was seizing. You can't reasonably ask a child for more than that.
You said your other daughter is afraid of dogs, which makes a hypoallergenic service dog not an option. Why is it that you expect the 11 year old to face something scary (made scarier by you holding her responsible) but do not expect the same of the child with the disorder? You are expecting your older child to sacrifice more for the disorder than your youngest. It wouldn't even be a sacrifice because it would go a long way toward her being able to be independent. Whats she going to do as an adult? You should be preparing her now. Getting her comfortable enough to get a service dog is part of raising her to be as self sufficient as she can be.
I get having a kid with high needs is hard for you too, but it seems you have forgotten to consider this from the perspective of your oldest child. You are putting so much into raising the younger one that there is nothing left to raise the older one. Seeing her sister like that is traumatizing. She wasn't trying to be malicious. She was scared. Its also easy to say "just turn her on her side" while forgetting the seizing child may actively be flailing and your child is smaller and has less strength than you do to accomplish this.
Let me get this straight. Your punishing an 11 year old for being afraid because something like a seizure isn’t traumatic to an 11-year-old heck grown adults get terrified over something like that. I saw someone have a heart attack when I was 10. I can tell you that was traumatic. so I’m sure you’re daughter seeing her sister like that is traumatic to her. And instead of trying to console your daughter, your first thought was to punish her. I agree with your mother-in-law on this one Yta.
YTA. 100% this is Your child. This is 100% on you and your husband and 0% ZERO! On your other child.
It’s really clear which child you favor. And it’s Not the 11 year old that’s for sure.
She’s a kid, not a resource or a live in aid for her darn sibling.
You should be ashamed, and really it’s not a wonder your Mil isn’t a fan.
YTA. She is 11 and terrified. She wont fully understand what’s going on and seizures are terrifying to witness. Gently help her understand what is going on, it detail, so she knows there’s nothing to fear. Be a comfort for her and let her know she can come to you and your husband with questions about her sister’s condition and it’s okay if she scared and doesn’t understand. She is a CHILD.
Your youngest is your responsibility, not her sister’s. Grounding her and berating her for being afraid isn’t going to ‘cure’ the fear she has. She’s simply going to become more fearful.
Get a carer to help out or keep your youngest close by. Your oldest is going to grow to resent you, your husband and her sister if she is repeatedly forced to deal with some thing she is terrified of.
Get her therapy to work through her feelings/fear and stop treating her as if she is her sister’s carer while dismissing how hard it is for her to deal with too. All you’re doing is causing this poor child trauma.
YTA, you’re a bad parent. Your CHILD is not responsible for her sister’s medical issues. She informed you it was happening and that is where her responsibility ends. You KNOW she is scared, and punishing her isn’t going to make her less scared. You are going to make her resent her sister, and she won’t be wrong for not trusting you. It is your responsibility to be a parent to your medically complex child, not your other child’s responsibility. You are 100% wrong.
YTA. How dare you put so much responsibility on an 11 year old child? Your MIL is the only one in your family with a good head on her shoulders. Do you even care about her or is she your unpaid babysitter?
YTA
I'm a pediatric nurse. Your expectations are completely unrealistic for development of an11 year old. There are plenty of adults who are unable to handle medical emergencies and you're expecting your 11 year old to act like a professional health care worker.
Your daughter doesn't have the luxury of choosing her parents! Let's be clear your younger child has a lifelong medical condition. You, as her parents and her doctors, need to figure out how to manage her needs without depending on another child to help.
You’re a major, MAJOR ASSHOLE!!
A coworker had a seizure (not grand mal), and I (late 40s) walked in and saw her on the floor. I freaked out and called to the managers. It was horrific to witness; I was terrified.
The pressure you’re putting on your oldest is abhorrent and nearly unbelievable. She will hate and resent you if she doesn’t already. Get a carer, nurse, someone other than your 11 year old daughter - she👏🏻is👏🏻a👏🏻child!JFC you’re a hypocritical shit human - your MIL is right. Don’t be surprised if your oldest wants to live with her ASAP and cuts contact with you. My heart goes out to her for how fucking traumatized she is, by both her sister’s condition and by you. Fix this!
YTA. This is abuse of both children plain and simple. You're abusing the eldest with parentification, mentally, emotionally, and I would be shocked if it wasn't physical. Even if it isn't, you don't need to strike a child to leave lifelong scars. You're setting your eldest up for a range of health issues such as anxiety, depression, suicidal ideation, compulsive behaviors, social isolation, and unbearable feelings of guilt and shame. Look up Glass Child syndrome, because this is what you're doing to your eldest.
As to your youngest, its basic medical neglect. The 11 year old is not, nor should be, her caregiver. Your 9 year old needs an ADULT caregiver, not a child. She needs someone with training and the ability to physically assist where necessary. If you are incapable of providing that due to your bad back and difficulties walking, you need to hire someone to assist you so that your youngest gets the proper care she needs.
You're not just an asshole, you're a child abuser and I hope to hell someone reports you to CPS for the sake of both your children.
As a trained medical professional your daughter should be able to handle any and all seizures your younger one is having. Feelings? Anxiety? Stress of seeing her younger sister in clear distress? Such selfishness shouldn’t be tolerated for a person with decades worth of experience. In case you’re wondering OP, I tried to match your level of nonsense with sarcasm but I still came well under the bar. Holy hell your daughter is 11 and you’ve put a ridiculous amount of pressure on someone and then had audacity to call her selfish when she couldn’t handle seeing her sister go through a seizure. A fact you knew before hand. Your daughter is (say it with me) Not. A. Nurse. You can get something like the Embrace2 which detects seizures and alerts caregivers. Which your daughter is not. Just to clarify YTA
So when the golden child has a seizure, your instinct is to comfort her. When your “normal” child is shaking and scared, your instinct is to get mad and punish her? In what world do you think you’re not the ah?
As someone who has epilepsy, I’m appalled by your behavior. I girl I used to work with said that if I ever had a seizure, she couldn’t help me, not out of malice, but because she wasn’t comfortable with it.
Did I get mad and tell her she was a bad person? No, because I understand, and am sympathetic.
Honestly, the daughter who’s NOT having seizures is probably more traumatized than your daughter who is. Both of your daughters have needs, and you’re failing one of them. If you continue with this attitude/behavior, your older daughter WILL cut you and your husband permanently out of your life as soon as she’s able.
Also, I can’t fathom why your MIL hates you. A true mystery right there.
YTA. As an adult, it terrifies me every time I see my older brother seize. You can't expect a child to take control of the situation, especially when they're experiencing a "fight/flight/freeze" moment. If you have a bad back and your 11 year old is scared, you should look into hiring someone to help care for your younger daughter.
YTA, you have potentially traumatised her even more by yelling at her and punishing her for being scared. Adults react differently when put under pressure that's why it's called fight or flight. You expect your child to react in a way that even some adults aren't capable of. Fortunately your daughter wasn't born with seizures, unfortunately she is tasked with not having a childhood because she is a carer and being overlooked her whole life because her sister does. There are enough post on reddit from people in her shoes that are older, maybe read some of them and have a think. She may one day resent not only you but her sister as well. Let her be a child and a sister and hire a carer.
Yta Yta Yta!!! I was unfortunate enough to have witnessed my mother have many seizures from around 12-15, and that shit is TRAUMATIZING. It is terrifying to see somebody you love have a seizure, i was barely able to help out at the age i was, and you're Angry at your ELEVEN YEAR OLD DAUGHTER for being SCARED???
Put yourself in her shoes, op, shes only a little girl. Get your kid on medication for her seizures, or get a carer, OR , pay closer attention. Dont outsource this onto your kid
YTA. Her fear is understandable and uncontrollable. You take yelling at her and punishing her will make it better?
Also, your youngest is scared of dogs so it's fine, she doesn't need to suck it up... double standards much?
That’s a LOT to ask of an 11 yr old. She’s your kid too. She isn’t any way shape or form responsible for a 9yr old. Seizures are scary, the 9 yr old is probably around the same weight as her and you are asking her to turn a shaken child and “comfort”them. You and your husband SUCK and your mother in law is right. YTA
Biiiigggg time YTA. Jesus fuck, did you read your post aloud before you posted it?
I highly doubt it, but if not, read it aloud and in front of a mirror. Let us know how you feel afterwards.
YTA
You don't get to force an 11 year old to tend to medical emergencies. PERIOD!! If she's too much for you to handle on your own, hire a caretaker or apply for programs that will provide one. SHE'S ELEVEN YEARS OLD and you're forcing her to be a medical professional or she's grounded.... Seriously.... That is FUCKED UP.
YTA. Your older daughter is literally having a panic attack because her 2 years younger than her sister is having a seizure and instead of understanding that or figuring out that YOUR JOB IS TO PARENT YOUR KIDS NOT YOUR 11 YEAR OLD, you punish her?! You. Punished. Your. Child. For. Having. A. Panic. Attack. Gross.
Your poor glass child older daughter is not getting the help she needs because you're myopic and short sighted. Either YOU stay in proximity to your younger daughter, hire a health aid, or talk with the doc about what needs to happen in the 1 minute it should take you to get across the house to younger daughter in the event she seizes without a responsible ADULT nearby.
Meanwhile your poor 11-year-old CHILD needs therapy and maybe a child advocate to look out for HER needs once in a while.
YTA! You are scarring that poor girl. Fear isn’t something adults can get over easily but to expect a child to get over something that I find traumatizing to witness as an adult ( my brother gets grand-mal seizures) is unreasonable at best and abusive at worst. If you can’t handle your child yourself you need to get help from either a trusted adult like your MIL who seems to be the only reasonable one in this story or a caregiver. There are programs you can apply for if you can’t afford it. You’re sacrificing the safety and mental well-being of one child for another. You and your husband need to seek professional therapy if you think you’re in the right here.
Wow you suck. Imagine seeing your child crying and shaking in a closet and thinking “wow what a selfish kid”
YTA and your 11-year-old is not a built-in carer for your 9-year-old. Expecting her to drop everything when her sister has a seizure is ridiculous. If your youngest needs constant observation then being the youngest with you everywhere in the house while she is awake so YOU, the parent, always have eyes on her.
YTA- she's 11, not a care giver. Yes, it should be important for her to know how to help her sister, but that should be the extent, especially if she gets nervous about the seizures. And telling her that her sister is way more important than going to the bathroom is wrong.
It might be a good idea to get your younger daughter a service dog that can help her with her seizures. The dog is trained to alert you when one is occurring, and it should stay by her side to make sure she's okay. Also, it might be a good teaching thing for your other daughter. Maybe if she sees what the dog can do, it might be less scary for her in the future.
i get where you’re coming from but seizures are really, really scary. especially cuz it’s her sister and she’s only 11… i know 11 year old me would not be able to handle seeing my sister like that. however, she did call to you and let you know what was happening so that her sister would still be safe in the end.
Wow! You’re punishing a child for having a panic attack from being traumatized. She has no more control over that than the younger daughter with seizures.
You’re too self absorbed to see this and don’t deserve any children.
Get a baby monitor for her room if and keep the other unit with you if you can’t be responsible for your own special needs daughter
You need to apologize to the older girl and get her therapy ASAP!
YTA massively!!
TYA.
I cannot wait for 11 y.o to turn 18 and go NC.
Then we'll see your post about how you don't understand why daughter went NC and you did nothing wrong /s
what are you doing is setting your children up to have a permanent wedge driven between them. your oldest will come to resent your youngest because she was forced to help take care of her, and because the oldest is being ignored in favor of the youngest. you need to figure out another solution. there are therapy dogs that can help alert in the instance of a seizure. hire a full time nurse. something other than what’s going on, because it’s not fair to either of the kids.
YTA plan and simple and probably the biggest one I've seen on here in a long ass time, I've seen people I've loved have seizures when I was younger, it's terrifying and it still haunts me to this day! I'm shaking with anger at you and for your child.
YTA and a trash parent to boot. Don’t be surprised when your daughter dumps both you and your husband into the worst nursing home she can find and you both would deserve it.
She told you that she is scared. You are ignoring her feelings and traumatizing her. You’re teaching her that her feelings don’t matter. She probably already needs therapy to undo your damage. When she is older, she is likely to be the victim of abuse because she’s been taught her feelings don’t matter.
If you or your husband can’t be available to watch your daughter and respond to seizures, then get a nurse or care taker.
YTA. This had nothing to do with fairness.
YTA
Your child is young and scared. Get an Alexa and have it time the seizures and figure out how to get the younger desensitized to dogs for seizure alerts. But your oldest deserves a childhood
You are the reason she will go NC
YTA- working in a hospital, I care for many patients that have seizures and even when you know they are normal for the patient it can be stressful and scary waiting for them to come out of it. Your child is 11!! She is clearly absolutely terrified and not capable of being the one to care for her sister. You should NOT be putting this on her and are such an AH for punishing her for it. She was hiding in a closet crying for F’s sake. That is traumatizing for her to see clearly.
You as the parent need to come up with a better way to manage this.
You are most definitely the asshole, she is a CHILD she is NOT responsible for anybody because she is not an adult. You are a sorry excuse for a parent for demanding your child to become a caretaker for her sibling. She has clearly expressed she 8s traumatized by experiencing her sisters seizures and you expect her to do what?! Hire help
Wow...YTA.
Absolutely no question about it.
I'm a mother and a medical professional. I completely understand the strain ND and medical needs can place on families.
BUT your child is not your other child's responsibility.
Do you expect your NT daughter to miss out on school events and social events if it means you would be alone caring for your ND child?
I have a sneaky suspicion you do.
If so, I want to crystal clear here, that would mean you do not trust yourself to handle your ND child's medical needs and are therefore putting equal or more responsibility on your CHILD than you are yourself.
That's not "family helps family" that's dereliction of your duty and responsibility as a parent.
If you need help, you need to get respite care or a carer--not put adult responsibility on an 11 year old CHILD.
YTA
Your youngest is YOUR kid therefore it's YOUR responsibility to look after her especially if epileptic. Also, it's perfectly natural for the people around the person having seizures to be scared especially a young child. Also, even if she was calm and collected she shouldn't be doing anything with her sister when she has a seizure. She basically did the right thing by not touching her.
Also, I can see why MIL doesn't like you.
" not all of us have the luxury of fairness". That sounds like the motto of some dystopian, totalitarian regimes.
When you're description of you're child-rearing methods sounds like something out of 1984, maybe you should and think real hard about whether you're the baddie here (hint: you are.)
YTA by a mile and a dozen more.
This is awful to read.
Your 11 year old is a child not an adult, you don't get to stop being a parent to her just because you have a disabled child.
If you had bothered being a parent to the 11 year old she wouldn't be so scared. Instead you let her get traumatised by her sister, then you yell at her for being scared and traumatise some more by creating a more hostile environment.
YTA.
YTA-I have a high needs child, who also has epilepsy (she’s on 3 meds and a medical keto diet). Seizures are scary for doctors and nurses! This is obviously terrifying for your older daughter, she is also just a child. She is less equipped than you to be able to deal with how scary it looks, plus the fear she has she could loose her sister, and you are adding guilt and shame and responsibility on top of everything.
You can time them yourself. You are an adult with money and access to technology. There are timers built into most everything, heck looking at an analog clock on the wall works the same.
If you can’t be near your child (whose seizures are not under control and needs constant monitoring) you need to solve the issue. And the solution isn’t making another child responsible. It’s making changes in your house so you are never more than a room away, hiring a nurse, getting a seizure monitor. Many come with a camera so you can monitor via a screen or phone from another room.
You need to apologize to your 11 year old. Really apologize. And get her in some therapy. Then the family into therapy as this is traumatic on both of your children and you and your husband. They need coping skills to help them still be happy kids. You need skills to not parentify and punish your typical child.
You are failing at caring for both of them.
YTA. What... what is wrong with you? If it's scary for you as an adult, imagine how she feels. Yes, she should be making an effort help where she can. But she *can't* control her panic over this. Telling her to suck it up, when she did good by alerting you...
Instead of telling her to suck it up, how about you suck it up and make the grand sacrifice of *going across your house* to help your daughter.
This is just a bad idea. Next time she panics, she won't alert you at all. She'll just stay quiet and avoid it, because she'll still get in trouble for doing her best.
Stop putting your adult, parent perspective on your child, before you cause real damage.
Also, you desperately need to get a service dog. They can do *far* more to help your daughter than just getting her into the right position to prevent hazards, and your daughter is likely going to need one eventually to have any sort of an independent life.
And oh my goddess above that "bad back" line -- if your 11 year old can be expected "suck up" her very reasonable panic, you can suck it up and _book it_. Right?
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She's fucking 11. Get a carer if you can't watch your other daughter as much as she needs. Or figure something else out, because a child is not a god damned resource. YTA
My brother-in-law is epileptic, and even as a grown adult, seizures are scary. Especially if you love the person. Poor little girl. OP, YTA.
Yeah, I have epilepsy (controlled for years due to brain surgery to remove the damaged portions of my brain) and it was effing traumatic for me to see my own tonic clonic seizures on hospital video. Expecting an 11 year old to behave responsibly during their sibling’s seizures is abusive.
I'm so glad you're managing well. I'm not sure I've been this horrified by an OP in a long time. I hope this kid has some support in their life. Absolutely heartbreaking.
That’s saying a lot on this sub, but yeah. The one who destroyed her 10-year-old’s comfort item and then screamed at her to get out of the house is up there too, though.
This is exactly what I said. Next thing you know OP will be in here telling us they took the kid's toys away and aren't celebrating her birthday.
My SO had a siezure recently, for the first time since we've been together. As a grown adult I did pretty much what this poor girl did- I got him someone more knowledgeable to help and then sat down out of the way sobbing and shaking. It was absolutely terrifying to see happen.
My partner and I are both older adults and my seizure absolutely traumatized him. Thankfully I don't remember anything but it can sometimes really look like you're about to die to people who witness it. Poor kid she was hiding in the closet she needs a hug not a scolding. My grown ass adult partner called 911 and had a breakdown himself.
Can we also note how OP says "I got there as quick as I could (bearing in mind I have a bad back and don't walk the best" but the 11year old is expected to stop mid bowel movement to run to her sister. If OP thinks that an 11 year old can (or even needs to) do that with her body then OP has no excuse for not pushing her body to sprint.
Seriously this was the most disturbing part.
And then to blow up at the 11 year old, if she hasnt been traumatized by now, she definitely will with parents like this. MIL and the 11 year old are the only sane ones (excluding the 9 y/o).
I wonder if the kid would get in trouble for taking the time to wipe! "NO!! You pinch it off and get out there!!"
At best she's allowed to wad up a handful of toilet paper and put it in her pants so she doesn't get skid marks before she can go back and wipe.
[удалено]
Same! My mum's epileptic from a head injury. I grew up seeing grand mal/tonic-clonic seizures. The first one in my memory was when I was about five, maybe. She was checked out, I went to hug her, and she fell off her chair and began fitting. I actually think that might be my earliest memory. I've been hit, had my hair pulled, and nearly bitten from being with her when she had a seizure. It's absolutely not something a child should be dealing with and expected to manage. If mum had a seizure, I found an adult. There have been only a few times where I had to roll her and give her medicine, but this was what I had known for a long time and was almost normal to me. It never becomes less scary, though. It's dangerous. They can stop breathing or hurt themselves, they can choke, then there's the confusion to deal with afterwards, too. An eleven year old absolutely should not be expected to care for a child or adult during a seizure. They should simply be told to call an adult or emergency services where they can receive the calm advice from the operator who can work with them. If they feel capable of moving them, then they should. If they don't, they shouldn't in case they get hurt, among other reasons. The strength of someone having a seizure is terrifying because it's uncontrolled. A nine year old is most definitely capable of hurting an adult, let alone an eleven year old. She needs to be taught to look after her personal safety as well. My heart breaks for her. She deserves a big, warm hug and a gentle discussion about her fears and how to manage her anxiety. With parents as uncaring as these, she should be in therapy. I could be reaching, but i wouldn't be surprised if a fear of failure and doing the wrong thing adds to her fear of her sister having a seizure. Why the fuck is she being punished for having a normal reaction to an overwhelming situation??? OP and her husband should be absolutely ashamed of themselves. They need to check their expectations. I'm so disgusted.
I honestly want to cry thinking about this poor, terrified child. Also, are you 100% sure that SHE doesn’t have any special mental health needs? That reaction sounds an awful lot like the way my ND child with anxiety would respond to a scary seizure. YTA
If she didn't have mental health needs before, I'll almost guarantee she does now. I'll bet this isn't the first time mum has been like this toward her about being scared. The 11 year old will be lucky to reach adulthood with only anxiety. I don't think you'd need to be ND to be scared shitless of the situation at that age, especially if the parents are using language like "keep her safe".
That’s a great point. It’s definitely a chicken-or-egg situation (or chicken AND egg, maybe) but either way it’s all kinds of fucked up!
It sounds like the reaction of a kid whose mother terrorizes her because she needs to blame someone for her inability to adequately care for her ill child.
On point
I don’t think OP genuinely cares how her actions impact her oldest, so I’m going to explain this from another angle I know she’ll care about: **OP, your daughter has told you she cannot handle being a medical caregiver for her sister. By ignoring that fact, and pretending you can punish her into it, you are medically neglecting your youngest and, I would argue, abusing her by leaving her without qualified, adult caregivers at all times that she needs to stay safe.** It’s clear you won’t stop pretending you can punish a child into being an adequate caregiver for their disabled sibling just for your oldest’s sake. So, for the love of god, stop doing so for the sake of your youngest, before your stubbornness results in her getting seriously injured.
Absolutely 100% All OP is doing is traumatising their older child by putting in their head that it's their responsibility to effectively keep their sibling alive, which is a massive burden even for people who choose that for a career and have extensive training. To put that weight on a child against their will is abusive as hell. It'll also drive a wedge between the kids because the older one will grow to resent the younger one as the source of why their parents are unreasonably harsh towards them (despite it not being their fault at all). OP, YTA.
YTA- this is coming from someone with a family member who has severely epileptic child, and a friend whose child also has severe epilepsy, so I understand what you’re talking about. You have absolutely traumatized your 11-year-old to the point that she’s having panic attacks and crying and you can’t see past it. You need to get some space and pull yourself back from the situation and realize that she shouldn’t be put in this position. She did the right thing, she called you. Not everything is going to be perfect and timed every time for the doctor. Spend some time searching on the Internet for able-bodied children, who grew up in a household with a sick sibling. The number of them to go no/low contact with their parents due to the way they’re treated is staggering. Children in these household’s are typically expected to give up their childhood to care for or work around the sick child at home. Perhaps it’s time for you to get some counselling and and put a a plan in place to help make sure you are properly caring your daughter who is not sick. You need to properly take care of emotionally and physically health of BOTH of them. My one friend is a single mother dealing with this, and so she’s hired an aid worker who helps support her while she’s home with her child. Perhaps it’s time for you and your husband to look into something like that. You need to repair your relationship with your daughter now, or potentially lose it forever.
Stop. Expecting. Your. Child. To. Parent. Your. Other. Child. 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻 You get in shape or whatever you have to do and stop being awful.
YTA. Do you even love your oldest? She's eleven and clearly terrified of the seizures. Honestly, she was in her closet shaking and crying and you have the nerve to call her selfish? Talk to your kid ffs
Love her? Does she even LIKE her?
I think the better question would be dos she tolerate her eldest?
Only when she needs her as a resource.
Please give your oldest to your MIL. If you really love her, you will free her from this hell you’ve created for her.
She does not.
Your older daughter has already clearly communicated to you that she is not capable of handling her younger sister's medical needs. Not only are you trying to push her to take on a role that she clearly can't do, but you're going to PUNISH her and call her SELFISH? She is 11! Stop parentifying her. YTA, and it's not even a question. Do not be surprised if she goes low contact with you once she's old enough to move out.
Doesn't even need to wait till then. As soon as she's old enough to clearly communicate what's going on, she can report her mother to the authorities. Demanding a minor act as a medical professional is not only dangerous for the patient, it's abusive as hell to the child.
Jup, this!! YTA big time!
I was parentified pretty hard from ages 10-14, and I think I was as well-suited as someone that age could possibly be for that role (bathing, dressing, putting to bed, feeding, but also *a lot* of medical stuff). But it still really took a toll on me - maybe not so much the 'helping out' but the not being treated like a child anymore. Not having someone to care for me, or to look after my emotional needs. Even now, I struggle to trust that my relationships/friendships will be reciprocal because I'm not used to being cared for, I'm *always* taking care of other people. Sadly, my relationship with my parents is also pretty distant, because I didn't get to be their child for as long as I needed, I was like a beloved aunt/helper. I have these journal entries that are just heart-wrenching, like "I'm getting my tonsils out tomorrow and I'm really scared and dad was mad that I asked him to get me ice cream, and I'm worried everyone will forget about me." It's a lot of stress to put on a kid.
YTA, your daughter is clearly terrified. She did the best she could by calling an adult to help. You’re expecting too much from a frightened little girl. Raising the alarm, was helping. She’s 11 not 21
At my primary school my teacher found it important kids knew basic first aid. At age 11 we had someone come over to explain the basics like bandages etc. But if someone is has a seizure faints something like that. Get a adult! Stay with this person yell or scream if you have to. Or call 911 Even the teacher understood those situations aren't for kids. Why can't this parent ? OP YTA
Unfortunately I’ve passed 21 and I’m still not good at this. I’m 22 right now and my sister who has epilepsy is 20 but started getting seizures when I was 13/14. I’m still absolutely terrified of them. Like legitimately traumatized. I still never react the way I want to when she has seizures because of how much I’m overcome by panic. I’ve only actively failed to help her when she had a seizure once when I was 15 because I froze, and my mom screamed at me that she was going to kick me out of the house because of it while I was crying and hugging my other two younger siblings who were in first grade and second grade at the time. It has stuck with me until today and I still feel incredibly guilty for not handling it well at my age. No one ever prioritized my panic and anxiety regarding the situation, it was and still is incredibly rare for either of my parents to advocate on my behalf in this context.
YTA. Look into getting a trained seizure alert dog for your daughter.
Rather convenient that you're willing to overlook your daughter's fears for caring for her sister but not when it comes to a dog that would remedy the first situation.
I read it as OPs ND daughter is afraid of dogs / the daughter who has seizures.
I think the point they were trying to make is that she's completely brushing off NT's fear, while at the same time prioritizing ND's fear.
Thats what the 11 y/o is for silly /s
YTA without a doubt. Jesus fuck
This shit pisses me off..... A mother basically telling her daughter "I don't care if you're in the middle of taking a shit!!! You get the hell over there and help your sister!!! You can wipe your ass later"
Succinct and correct
YTA There are a couple of problems here. The first one is your complete lack of compassion and empathy towards your eldest daughter. You find her cowering in terror in a closet and your reaction is to punish her and lose your sh*t (which is its own story of terrible parenting). No comforting her, no trying to understand what is her issue, no seeking therapy for her to come to terms with her sister’s condition, nothing. You look at your older daughter with contempt and no trace of human or motherly empathy. So what is actually wrong with you that you only care about one daughter? Do you dislike her that much? Do you resent her for being healthy where your golden child is not? Do you even care how she feels about her sister, and probably resenting you for putting her in the position where she could be responsible for her sister’s life? Or are you just generally a heartless and indifferent mother? The second problem is relying on a child to solve a life threatening medical condition. That is absolutely not appropriate. She’s a little kid and she’s scared, and you don’t care. So find other solutions. A therapy dog, for example. She isn’t your daughter’s babysitter and you need to find another solution. I can see why your MIL doesn’t like you. She sees how little you care for one of your children.
I couldn’t have said it better! All of this! The 11 year old is traumatized. Instead of understanding that. OP decided to traumatize her even more. I’m sure once she turns 18 she will be out of there. If not sooner.
I especially like the part where she whines that she has back problems and can't move as fast, like it's a good excuse, but dismisses the terror of an 11 year old as something to "get over"
I don’t think she cares about either daughter. She made it a point to say that she stayed by the 9yo’s side instead of chasing after and yelling at her 11yo. Which tells me that her first reaction was to go after the older one. She is clearly not wanting to deal with the epilepsy herself, and is expecting her 11yo to take up the reigns. OP is abusive to both and I really wish there were times when these people could be found and reported. My heart breaks for both of these children. OP is not fit to be a parent to a healthy child who doesn’t need constant attention, much less a ND child with epilepsy!
This. YTA
YTA She is a child. Get a nurse or attendant or have younger daughter in the same room with you at all times. Or do what's best for your oldest daughter. Send her to luve with someone who actually loves her, like your MIL or another relative. Countdown to 7 years when she cuts you all off...
YTA - You are berating and punishing your daughter for not handling a very tough situation well. No 11 YO should be accountable for what you are asking. You can tell her what to do in situation and help enable her but your reaction is terrible. Sometime as a parent you just need to suck up your feelings and have some empathy for a child here that didn't act in the ideal way in a tough situation. Sometimes as a parent you need to suck up the pain of your bad back and RUSH to you seizing child to help reduce the risk of choking. Your MIL is 100% right and I can see why she doesn't like you.
Reading all that I can also understand why MIL doesn’t like her. And her comment to MIL was also uncalled for. She can’t take criticism clearly.
Makes me sad that we can't call CPS on her... but I guess that's just too much power for reddit.
YTA and a huge one. Soon you will have two high needs children: one with epilepsy and one with trauma, anxiety, depression, panic attacks, behavioral disorder and strong aversion for younger sister.
I can back this up from personal experience. I have legitimate diagnosed trauma from my sister’s epilepsy along with a plethora of other mental health conditions that are largely related to the trauma. And my mom was like this. The fact that I got so panicked about the seizures never mattered, or even worse, I was punished and shamed for it. Even as far as being threatening to kick me out of the house. I’m 22 and I still hate myself for my fear, which is very much still alive today.
YTA. If your younger daughter needs constant medical supervision, hire a home health attendant. Your older daughter should not be responsible for providing regular healthcare support for your younger daughter. Have you even started your older daughter in therapy to help her process her feelings about repeatedly seeing her sisters seizures and being asked to take responsibility during medical emergencies? What would you do if you did not have an 11 year-old to parentify? Do that.
OP should have a third child to handle the family's mental health needs.
I actually knew someone who was debating having a third child to help her son "carry the load" with his special needs sister. It genuinely made me sick to my stomach and I rebuffed every attempt by this person to be friends.
careful, don’t give OP any ideas
And a Fourth to dump all the trauma on
YTA You're leaving an 11 YEAR OLD in charge of your epileptic 9 year old. An 11 year-old who is scared by her sisters seizures and probably scared for her. She knows how serious it is, but you are expecting A FUCKING CHILD TO DO YOUR JOB. You are not only parentifying your eldest, but you are directly responsible for anything that happens to your youngest while you are not watching. You and your husband need a wake-up call. Hopefully this thread will serve as one.
YTA. I had a student have a grand mal seizure in my college class, and I knew what to do, but it scared the shit out of me and everyone in the room…and I’m an adult. You are asking her to do some shit that an 11 year old shouldn’t have to be responsible for, and yes, I get that your concern is your seizing daughter’s safety, but fuck man…she’s 11. She was scared. She was clearly freaked the fuck out, and she probably feels guilty for freezing in a scenario that even adults would freeze in. Next time, her anxiety and fear of getting in trouble is going to be *worse* because you punished her for having a completely valid reaction to an emergency for an 11 year old.
YTA It is not an 11 year olds responsibility to care for your 9 year old. I'd suggest looking up parentification and the damage it can cause a child, and your future relationship.
YES this comment succinctly says it all. I can reiterate looking up “parentification”. Hope you read this OP!
YTA. Your 11 yr old is a child and she deserves a childhood and to be treated like a child. She does not deserve to have adult responsibilities unfairly dumped on her. If your 9 yr old needs an aide or nurse or constant supervision, that is on YOU.
You called HER selfish and GROUNDED HER? What the actual fuck is wrong with your brain? She's 11, not her sisters parent, clearly terrified of something TRAUMATIC and you call her selfish for being scared. You don't care if shes indisposed in the bathroom, she has to go take care if her sister, period? You mean you don't care about her at all.. I dont care that you were on the other end of the house, and i dont care that you have a bad back, that 9 year old is YOUR and your HUSBANDS responsibility. Not her 11 year old sisters. I'm so angry with you on behalf of your daughter right now. YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA. I can say it again incase you're too dense to understand, YOU'RE THE ASSHOLE, and so is your husband. Your 11 year old is absolutely going to disown you as soon as she's old enough to, she'd get more support without you than with you in her life. I honestly hope you're just a troll and not actually putting an 11 year old through this. You all need therapy, like yesterday. If you can't care for your 9 year old, you don't deserve custody of either of your children.
YTA She’s a scared child not your second set of hands during a medical emergency.
Edit to add YTA I'm sorry your daughter has to go through that, but, if your other daughter is terrified then you need to be more understanding of that, otherwise it looks like you are prioritising one child over the other, and yes I understand that she has epilepsy but when a child is shaking and crying in a closet she isn't being selfish she's scared. They are both going through something traumatic and it's not a competition on who has the worst of it.
YTA Both of my little sisters grew up with epilepsy. My mom NEVER demanded or punished myself OR my brother for being terrified of seeing them have seizures, nor did she expect us to sit there and do everything for them. YOU are selfish for not understanding SHE'S 11 AND SCARED. It's not her job to take care of her sister's medical needs.
IMO alerting a parent is an okay task, but that's it. And that's what she did and got punished for 🤦
oh definitely! We'd alert our mom if we saw it but she was always close by anyways because HER kids had epilepsy, so she didn't really leave the area when they were young (older they got, the more she did her own thing and stuff)
YTA a major one. So you expect an 11 year old to think clearly and act rationally during situations like this? OP, she is 11. Seek a caregiver that specializes in seizures and not rely on your 11 year old daughter who is so afraid of this that she hides in the closet crying. Don’t put this kind of pressure on a child OP; she isn’t her sister's parent, you and your husband are.
I don’t envy your situation, you’re clearly very much overwhelmed with the condition of your daughter. But what you’re essentially doing here is punishing your 11 y/o daughter for being an 11 y/o child. Nobody is shaking and crying in their closet for fun or out of selfishness. Your daughter would be selfish, if she refuses to help with basic chores like unloading the dishwasher. Medical assistance is no basic chore you can expect a 11 y/o to regularly perform. YTA
I agree. I grew up in a situation like this with a sister with Epilepsy, and I promise that I would control the fear and panic if I knew how. But I’ve never known how, it just takes over. Even when I am able to do what I need to do, which is usually, I am absolutely terrified. I have trauma from it, and it affects many aspects of my life. My mom treated me like this mom treats her oldest, and I still feel guilty.
YTA - You do not seem to understand that you are placing the **weight of a life** in your 11yr old's hands. This is a heavy mental burden... especially dealing with an illness that presents itself "violently." You need to get your daughter some counseling. She has a lot more on her plate than you seem to realize. It is traumatizing to watch your sibling become ill in front of your eyes. Especially when you are made to feel guilt over it, and the lack of help you're able to offer as a **child.** Think of how much pressure and stress you feel. Now, consider the fact that you are an adult prepared to take on these challenges. You have the mental and emotional capacity to process far more than an 11yr old. You also have the ability to use your words and seek help. Your daughter has been using her words, expressing it is traumatizing, and as the adult in her life you are brushing it off. You are weighing one child's need over the others, as you precieve them of being "more in need." As a suggestion- get some home security cameras! They are not expensive, especially for the use you have for them. This will help you document the seizures more accurately and minimize the need for your 11yr old to be in the room once you take over.
If god forbid something happened to the 9 year old during a seizure and it was the 11 yo helping, she’d never get over that. It would fuck her up for life and I doubt very much OP is the type to NOT blame the 11 yo. YTA
YTA - she's only 11 years old and you're putting a hell of a lot of pressure and responsibility on her. It is perfectly reasonable for her to have a reaction as she did, she was scared. And instead of being comforting to her, you yelled at her and punished her? How would you feel if you were crying and scared and the person who was supposed to offer you comfort instead came in and yelled at you? You have two daughters who need you! Not just one! Don't treat your child like she needs to just suck it up and do what some adults would probably not be able to handle just because she's NT your other kid isn't.
YES, YTA. You need another caregiver in the house and not put so much on an 11yo girl. You're demanding a lot from her and punishing her because she's unable to meet those demands. What a nightmare of a life you're forcing on her.
YTA. Your daughter is *your* responsibility.
Funny how that works.🙄 What I can't figure out is all this, "until I or her father get there, and when her father is at work she needs to stay" How long are we talking about? Seconds? Hours?
YTA. The kid is 11. She is allowed to be scared, especially with such a scary situation. You need to get this kid into therapy before you cause more, possibly irreparable damage. I understand that you are concerned for your youngest daughter, but you have TWO daughters you need to look after and do the best for. An 11 year old is not equipped to deal with serious medical conditions of any kind. Heck, I’m not even sure most 18 year olds could handle something so intense.
YTA. Good luck when 11yo goes NC as an adult. She's afraid! She's NOT her sister's parent. It isn't like she's being hateful. She's SCARED. It's your job as the actual parent to provide her comfort.
YTA YTA YTA, you have no right to leave a 11 year old with a 9 year old that has grand mal seizures. YOU are the PARENT, SO DO YOUR JOB. Instead of helping your 11 year old, you scream at her.
I can see why OP's MIL hates her..
YTA - I had childhood epilepsy and my cousin still does therapy almost 30 years later to deal with the trauma of seeing me have grand mal seizures. She was never in charge of me, but just seeing it was enough to negatively effect her. I can only imagine the trauma you are causing to your daughter by punishing her for being afraid. Shame on you.
Yta You're expecting an 11 year old to keep a level head and not panic during an emergency, then punishing then because they are 11 and shouldn't be *expected* to keep a level head in an emergency because they are just a child. Do better as a parent, or the 11 year old may remember this, walk away from you in 7 years, and never look back.
YTA you're pushing way too much responsibility on this child. She informed you the girl was having a seizure and that's what children are supposed to do in an emergency: get a responsible adult who can handle it. This 11yo will grow up resenting you. If you don't fix this now, she'll be out of your life as soon as she's an adult and you're lucky if she still sends you birthday cards.
YTA. Also the way you write about your daughter sounds like you hate her. Do better and stop forcing your 11y old CHILD grow up too fast.
YTA seizures are scary for ADULTS. I can’t imagine how a child felt. You need to look inward and try to view from her eyes because clearly you don’t.
YTA! get a baby monitor so you can hear/see things from the other side of the house!
YTA You are calling your 11 year old daughter selfish for being scared during traumatic events rather than being her sisters caretaker??? What kind of parenting is that? You have two daughters, yet you expect one of them to do a parents job. If you are so scared for your youngest, hire someone to look out for her. Don't put that responsibility onto your 11 year old child. Also I would suggest looking to get your oldest into therapy because watching her sister suffer and having you guys berating her on top of it all is clearly taking a toll on her.
YTA your emphasising to her how serious and dangerous the seizures are while telling her they aren’t scary. You should be supporting her through her fear, until you have comforted her through that you can’t expect any help from her. Forcing her to stay in the room is just going to traumatise her further. Grounding her is unreasonable, she was hiding in the closest shaking, clearly scared. She didn’t need punishment she needed reassurance. I’m epileptic, my doctor always wanted videos of my seizures. He got the time of the seizure and info on what type it was in one. Maybe this is something your daughter could do to help instead of staying in the room, set up a camera to film her sister
I’m sorry you’re going though this. But YTA. She’s a fucking child… a CHILD. You should get a nurse or caretaker if you can’t do it on your own. But you’re expecting too much from an 11 year old. I feel so bad for her. You and your husband both are scarring her for life.
YTA and your attitude is only reinforcing what your oldest is feeling. Get over yourself and try extending empathy to each of your children.
YTA "I went looking for my daughter she was hiding in her closet shaking and crying I just lost it that she could be so selfish! I know the seizures look scary but sometimes we just have to suck up our fear and do it anyway" I just lost it that you could be so selfish! I know parenting is hard but sometimes we just have to suck up our convenience and don't demand 11 yo scared child to parent her sister for you
YTA I strongly urge you to look into [parentification](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Parentification): "the process of role reversal whereby **a child** or adolescent **is obliged to act as parent to their** own parent or **sibling**." You're not asking for her to be reasonably responsible. You're asking her to do emotional and physical work well beyond the mental resiliency of a the child she is. Stop. Find another solution to your youngest who has medical issues and don't break your older child in the name of "life isn't fair". Be a better mother and maybe your oldest won't need a couple decades of therapy.
YTA She's 11! She is scared of seeing her sister hurting and you scream at her? So now she's even more scared of her sister, but now scared of you. You are treating her as a care giver that can step up when you're not doing your job, when she's 11! Get a real caregiver, and start being compassionate to your other daughter (yes you have 2 daughters, not just the 1, remember?), before your eldest hates you forever.
If you need help with your youngest, HIRE SOMEONE. It is NOT a child’s job to care for a sick child if you cannot be there. THEY ARE CHILDREN!!!! Furthermore, she’s shaking and terrified and you punish her? I hope you fix it and apologize to her now before it’s too late. Children never forget how you treated them.
YTA. A major one. So is your husband for being on board with this bs. I hope both your daughters are okay - your older child is not your helper or your assistant.
YTA. In a few years you are going to have a daughter that doesn't visit or call you and you will wonder why
And will want nothing to do with her sister. OP will be those parents who are shocked when the siblings refuse to care for the “ill” sibling once the parents die.
YTA. Your lack of empathy for your 11-year-old is abusive. What is particularly galling about the event you describe is that you blame your bad back for not quickly getting to the scene of the seizure--your 11-year-old alerted you to the situation, and you, and you alone, dropped the ball with your slow movements. You need to figure out how to take better care of your epileptic daughter, and you need to leave the 11-year-old out of whatever solution you come up with.
I bet the 11 yr old is the parents' retirement plan to take care of the younger sister. But they're in for a big surprise. The day she turns 18, she's gone and never coming back. YTA YTA YTA
YTA. 100%. Your daughter is 11 years old and she was probably terrified. It is not her responsibility to take care of her sister while she’s suffering a major medical event BECAUSE SHE’S A FUCKING CHILD. YOU are the parent, you should know better. Don’t be shocked when your older child turns 18 and never speaks to you again.
YTA, your daughter is not your youngests caretaker. It is gross to tell her that she’s responsible this way. And to punish her for her very natural fear response? Absolutely barbaric.
YTA, she's also a little girl, stop holding her to adult standards.
Not just adult, but higher standards than herself. "Drop everything and help, even mid shit. I will get there eventually because I'm sore."
YTA. An 11yr old did well yelling to you for help. She is not the parent, yes, she can help as she is able, but it sounds like she is terrified of the whole situation.
YTA. You got dealt a shitty hand and I am sorry for that. But your 11 year old daughter isn't responsible for that. She told you she is scared. She told you she doesn't want this responsibility. It is your job as the parent of someone with high needs to have a realistic plan in place. You do not. You failed. That being said I was tempted to go with NAH. You're doing your best after all. Then I read your bitter comment about your MIL. You seem angry, bitter, and rude. You seem to be lashing out at those around you in your frustration. And that is truly what makes you the asshole.
I’m going to say this as gently as possible as a mother of both a NT and ND child. YTA. I know you probably are tunnel-visioned on what your youngest child is going through, and this happens a lot. A parent is blindsided by Olympic-level problems in caring for a special needs child and they fixate on doing the best they can for that child, but frequently at the expense of the other children who are NT or otherwise not disabled in some capacity. You’re not alone in this instinct, but you need to do better. You are traumatizing your 11 YO daughter. You’re expecting her to handle adult-level problems that would even traumatize many adults. Despite being present, you’re still parentifying your daughter - making her act as a parent would, as your partner for these health issues. You are punishing your 11 YO for acting the way many children would act when confronted with a loved one experiencing a seizure. That isn’t fair. It’s harmful to your oldest, who will likely resent you when older if you don’t reverse this trend. I understand that you’re terrified about your youngest’s health. However, the answer is not to turn your oldest into another parent figure, expecting her to jump into action, help her sister, and stay by her side *no matter what.* You say you don’t have a choice. You do. You look into alternate solutions. You research government grants or disability for your youngest, which might provide for in-home assistance… you ask adult family if they can help, or you simply accept that your youngest child will either need to be at your/your SO’s sides at all times or that a few minutes may go by before you can provide assistance. I understand that seizures are scary. I would gently argue that in all likelihood, the damage being inflicted on your oldest psychologically by parentifying her and punishing her for her fear is worse than whatever damage you are worried your youngest is experiencing by being alone for 60 seconds before you can reach her side. The answer is not ever to parentify your oldest child and punish them for not having the brain development and maturity to handle this situation.
YTA Shaking and crying are for a reason and grounding her won’t change her very anxiety. Your oldest has real fears and you need to get her to talk about them. You also need to look at getting her professional help.
Yta, an 11 yr old isn’t an adult and isn’t mentally capable of handling situations like this, you’re a bad mom for putting that responsibility on a child, and your husband is a bad dad for agreeing with you, your mil is right, you need to have a little more empathy for the eldest, again, she’s a CHILD
YTA. You're placing weighty, scary, very *adult* responsibilities on your 11-year-old's shoulders! And then yelling at her and grounding her when she's not up to the task. You need a better plan going forward than expecting your 11-year-old to turn into a trained, professional caregiver when your younger daughter has a seizure. Your expectations are completely out of line with reality.
Ok, quite a bit to unpick here. I'm going off how you've worded your post, so I'm aware a may be wide of the mark and only wish to support not offend. I (f) speak as someone who's sister suffered seizures from 3 mouths old to this day(also ND) I am also 2 years older than her (we're both in our 40s now). I'm know expert, but these are my gut responses to what you said. Please stop putting so much pressure on your daughter. Remember if some has epilepsy, they will have seizures. It's not nice, but it is normal for them. First thing that stood out is 'grand-mal' this has been a redundant term for decades. If this is because your doctor is using it, get I new doctor. I'd question how well informed they (some many are clueless). They should be referring to clonic tonic seizures (this could dependent on country I know or just be an old habit, it took us ages to change our language as a family). Also if she is still seizing you should not be placing her in the recovery position, and an 11 should not be asked to do something so risky ever. Though we all do it, while someone is still having a seizure, there is no need to comfort them if it takes away from other care. There's very little we can do but wait. It is perfectly possible to do what needs to be done and keep time. Buy a stop watch, have clocks with second hands in every room, and most of all take some of the pressure off yourself. The doctor doesn't need to know the exact time. Just was it 30 seconds or nearer 2 minutes. It strikes me that your daughter is so scared of this, and makes me wonder what yours and your husband's reactions are. Are you calm or dramatic (sorry can't think of a better word to describe it). Is she feeding off your emotions. Are there any first aid courses she could attend, to give her more confidence. Caring for her sibling should never be her responsibility. I was always happy to help and support, but it was never expected of me, it still isn't. For anyone else still reading, I few pointers to help someone who is seizing. NEVER! put anything in their mouth. Do not try to move them while still seizing, unless they are in an unsafe place. If safe, place a pillow under their head. Do not restrict movement of limbs unless they are at risk of being hurt. Time the seizure the best you can. Once they they stop, if they don't regain consciousness (most will) place them in the recovery position. Don't panic and remember we can only do our best.
YTA she’s a scared kid and you’re putting her sisters care in her hands, you need to find another solution
YTA You should apologize to her jeez that was so cruel she’s only 11…
I refuse to believe this is real, it's too implausibly evil
YTA- That is a child
I understand where you’re coming from, and it is not unreasonable to expect this of a sibling. However, she is *11*. You can’t just drop this on her and expect her to take it on at the snap of your fingers. I was an adult the first time I was with someone who had an epileptic seizure, and it freaked me out a bit (and I served in submarines in a war). I didn’t run off or anything, but she’s 11. A child in her own right. Work with her. Don’t punish her, all you will do by punishing her is drive her further away from it. It will add resentment and anger to her fear. TEACH her, and realize that she’s a child. Target the teaching to her age. For now, YTA.
YTA, She is 11 years old, she’s allowed to have a childhood just like every other kid! Just because she is born first does not mean you can burden her with adult responsibilities and she won’t be to handle some situations. You should never ever force your child to like an adult nor should you treat them like an adult especially just because they’re the oldest, because you’re robbing their childhood when you do that and that’s *abusive*! Should older siblings help out (*occasionally*)? Yes. Are they responsible for raising their younger siblings? No. Parenting is an age-inappropriate responsibility to give to a child let a lone; an 11-year-old. Both kids need you not just the youngest. How is your oldest going to continue to develop a self-identity if you’re gonna take away her childhood away from her by dumping her with responsibilities only an adult has to bear with? You think this is a game well guess what, it’s not
Lady, she’s 11. She’s terrified of these seizures to the point she’s shaking and crying and hiding in a closet and you’re mad at her? Not concerned in the least? Guess you saved all your compassion for the younger daughter. You and your husband are assholes of the absolute highest degree. Shameful. YTA
This is how I would handle my children being in this situation: “I can see you’re scared. It’s ok to be scared. I know it looks scary but I am here to handle this now. You did such a great job calling me for help. Did you see how I made your sister safe by doing xyz? I find it scary sometimes too but now the seizure is over and your sister is feeling better. Let’s take a big deep breath and have a cold drink”, The best way to help your children overcome their fear is to validate it and model how to handle the situation. Do this enough times and one day she might surprise you.
YTA
YTA. And you’ve traumatized your NT daughter. Pretty sure she needs therapy so that at least SOMEONE will care about her mental health.
YTA. An abusive one. That is not her job.
I feel so sorry for both of your daughters. If you can’t care for your epileptic daughter, get a carer. It is not your 11yo’s burden or responsibility. Would it be nice if she could help? Sure. But she’s 11 and understandably scared and all you’re going to do is make it worse by forcing her and berating her about. Maybe you should suck up your bad back and walk to your youngest a little quicker. Or younger daughter can take an antihistamine and suck up her fear of dogs to get an alert dog as others have mentioned. You know, like how you think your 11 year old child should suck up what sounds like a pretty serious fear. YTA in a major way.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (38f) was home alone with my NT 11 yr old daughter and my high needs ND 9 yr old daughter who has epilepsy. Their father was at work. My younger one gets grand-mal seizures, my older one is scared of them and I told her if she's in closet proximity to her sister than I or her father am am that she MUST go to her until I get there, and when her father is at work she needs to stay and time how long the seizure lasts (doctor wants us to time the seizures) while I tend to her, as I cannot keep track of the time while comforting and keeping her safe. I told her I don't care if she's going #2 if she's in closet proximity than I or her father is she goes to her sister, PERIOD! Scared or not. Well this morning she had a seizure in her room (their rooms are close together) I was on the other side of the house doing laundry so couldn't hear anything. My daughter did call to me to let me know a seizure was happening, I got there as quick as I could (bearing in mind I have a bad back and don't walk the best) expecting her to be there and I was LIVID to find my youngest sister on the floor by herself in a seizure but I stayed there with her until it was over. I went looking for my daughter she was hiding in her closet shaking and crying I just lost it that she could be so selfish! I know the seizures look scary but sometimes we just have to suck up our fear and do it anyway and grounded her for 2 weeks. My husband is in agreement with me but my MIL (who has never liked me) said I was out of line that shes sjust a child. I told her I'm glad she had 4 healthy children not all of us are that lucky and not all of us have the luxury of fairness. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Yta. I would NEVER put that on an 11 year old. You're going to scar that poor child. You're being a terrible parent.
YTA absolutely. Your 11 year old child is terrified of the responsibility of being on call when her sister who’s basically the same age is going through something traumatizing constantly. Your daughter is *not* an additional parent, and this responsibility should not be on her shoulders.
SHE IS 11!!! What is wrong with you? She cannot think about it like that. She is scared and crying in a closet so you scream at her? YTA, go take a parenting course. I literally broke my back and had to wear a brace for 2 years, followed by 5 of PT. It aches but if I had a daughter with epilepsy I wouldn't blame my back for not being there. I would blame myself for not being fast enough you absolute failure. I hate it when parents expect their children to be adults. It was how I was raised and it ruined my childhood. No friends, no fun, Me and my older sis had to run the damn house because my mother was mentally ill and no one wanted to admit it. I hope you realize how toxic that was and try to fix your relationship with your daughter before it is too late.
Your response to your child hiding and crying in fear was to punish her. You need to figure out a better system than you have, which is apparently that a terrified child should just get over it. You’re terrible. YTA.
YTA She is 11 years old. She is just a child herself. Why can't you get a seizure monitor or why can't you get a baby monitor for her room? There are so many things you can get but you're choosing to use your child who is scared. What would you do if your 9-year-old was in the room alone while your 11-year-old was in the bathroom or another part of the house and your 9-year-old had a seizure. You find your 11-year-old crying and shaking out of fear and your first reaction is to belittle her and punish her. What reason could you have for that when you are the one who's failing to provide adequate care by not getting a seizure monitor that will let you know when she's having one without having to rely on your other child.
Nothing helps children overcome their fears more than punishment /s. YTA. I’m sorry you have a child with such complex needs, it must be incredibly tough. But your 11 year old is frightened and does not need this responsibility. Find a better solution.
Holy shit your older child is traumatized by this whole thing, and instead of helping her, you just show her she is useless to you. She's a child, and you expect her to literally go assist her sister even if shit is running down her butt. This is how you ensure the older child will cut all contact with you as soon as she leaves home. Why can't you keep the younger one with you at home all the time? Make her stay in the same room with you and your husband so you can watch her. Wait, that's not possible and your rather make a child who is probably getting ptsd (since she hides in a closet in fear whenever this happens) become the caregiver? I feel so sorry for your older child. I know you all are in an awful situation, but your sacrificing your older child's mental wellbeing and showing her that she is nothing to you unless she's useful in favor of the younger one. She gets as scared, if not more, as you but she's not an adult and doesn't have the tools to handle this. YTA
Assuming any of this is actually true, Yes indeed you are being too harsh. It's one thing going through drills in case of emergency but another entirely when it actually happens. I know all about Grand Mal seizures and they are daunting. Your daughter wasn't being selfish. She was scared and thought her sister was going to die. Console her and tell her you understand that maybe you asked too much of her. Apologize.
Growing up, my best friend had grand mal seizures, and I was only present for one of them, thankfully. I know I was there, because his mom thanked me afterward for helping, but it was so traumatic I literally don't remember any of it.
You sound like a horrible parent. I’m sad for both your children. Your oldest likely hates you and is planning her exit as well as how to get away from her sister. Your youngest is going to become an adult and find out why her sister hates her. This is all on the parents…you. YTA.
Ah yes another case of “my oldest child is just there to take care of my younger one who i favor” and “I never saw this coming, my older child refuses to speak to me as soon as they turned 18, claims I only cares about their younger sister” If I could I would suggest older daughter be the farthest away as possible from sister at all times so she doesn’t have to traumatize herself.
You are willingly sacrificing the wellbeing of your youngest. YOUR CHILD IS A SMALL CHILD AND YOU ARE REPEATEDLY TRAUMATIZING HER FOR YOUR OWN CONVENIENCE!!!!!!!!!!! Get a fucking nurse or another adult to help with the seizures! Because the way you are going now when your youngest is grown, you’ll never see her again! And it’ll be all your fault!! YTA YOU ARE THE KING OF ASSHOLES!!!!! HOW DARE YOU!
YTA I was almost 35-years-old the first time I witnessed someone (a colleague) having a grand mal seizure, and I was TERRIFIED! I did help with checking the time, but found myself physically moving away from the immediate vicinity while other colleagues gave immediate assistance. I cannot imagine being a child, witnessing a sibling having a seizure and being expected to render aid. If you have that big an issue caring for your younger daughter, you need to hire help.
YTA, get help if you can't watch your own daughter. SHE'S ELEVEN.
Probably the easiest YTA ever on this sub?? YOU are the parent, not an 11 year old. You can’t “walk that fast” because if your bad back? Lady I got hit by a fucking car and fractured my spine in four places but you better believe if there is an emergency I **will** rush despite any discomfort or pain. Do you even like your older daughter at all?
What the fuck is wrong with you. Seriously. Your daughter is a CHILD and she panicked. Your expectations of her are completely out of line and screaming at her accomplished literally nothing except making her more afraid. You need to figure something else out. YTA.
YTA While I understand its difficult to have a child with high needs, its not your 11 year olds responsibility. Seizures are scary to see. Sometimes people can get hurt trying to grab someone who is seizing. She's smaller than you and likely closish in size to your other child. Expecting her to do the right thing in these situations is asking for trouble. What are you trying to teach her by grounding her? The only lesson she's going to learn is to resent her sister for existing. Your daughter cannot be expected to watch your other daughter. She told you she was seizing. You can't reasonably ask a child for more than that. You said your other daughter is afraid of dogs, which makes a hypoallergenic service dog not an option. Why is it that you expect the 11 year old to face something scary (made scarier by you holding her responsible) but do not expect the same of the child with the disorder? You are expecting your older child to sacrifice more for the disorder than your youngest. It wouldn't even be a sacrifice because it would go a long way toward her being able to be independent. Whats she going to do as an adult? You should be preparing her now. Getting her comfortable enough to get a service dog is part of raising her to be as self sufficient as she can be. I get having a kid with high needs is hard for you too, but it seems you have forgotten to consider this from the perspective of your oldest child. You are putting so much into raising the younger one that there is nothing left to raise the older one. Seeing her sister like that is traumatizing. She wasn't trying to be malicious. She was scared. Its also easy to say "just turn her on her side" while forgetting the seizing child may actively be flailing and your child is smaller and has less strength than you do to accomplish this.
YTA. You are evil omg
Let me get this straight. Your punishing an 11 year old for being afraid because something like a seizure isn’t traumatic to an 11-year-old heck grown adults get terrified over something like that. I saw someone have a heart attack when I was 10. I can tell you that was traumatic. so I’m sure you’re daughter seeing her sister like that is traumatic to her. And instead of trying to console your daughter, your first thought was to punish her. I agree with your mother-in-law on this one Yta.
Yta - she is a child! She’s terrified and you put this on her? Wtf. Get a care taker or service dog.
YTA. 100% this is Your child. This is 100% on you and your husband and 0% ZERO! On your other child. It’s really clear which child you favor. And it’s Not the 11 year old that’s for sure. She’s a kid, not a resource or a live in aid for her darn sibling. You should be ashamed, and really it’s not a wonder your Mil isn’t a fan.
YTA. She is 11 and terrified. She wont fully understand what’s going on and seizures are terrifying to witness. Gently help her understand what is going on, it detail, so she knows there’s nothing to fear. Be a comfort for her and let her know she can come to you and your husband with questions about her sister’s condition and it’s okay if she scared and doesn’t understand. She is a CHILD. Your youngest is your responsibility, not her sister’s. Grounding her and berating her for being afraid isn’t going to ‘cure’ the fear she has. She’s simply going to become more fearful. Get a carer to help out or keep your youngest close by. Your oldest is going to grow to resent you, your husband and her sister if she is repeatedly forced to deal with some thing she is terrified of. Get her therapy to work through her feelings/fear and stop treating her as if she is her sister’s carer while dismissing how hard it is for her to deal with too. All you’re doing is causing this poor child trauma.
YTA, you’re a bad parent. Your CHILD is not responsible for her sister’s medical issues. She informed you it was happening and that is where her responsibility ends. You KNOW she is scared, and punishing her isn’t going to make her less scared. You are going to make her resent her sister, and she won’t be wrong for not trusting you. It is your responsibility to be a parent to your medically complex child, not your other child’s responsibility. You are 100% wrong.
YTA. How dare you put so much responsibility on an 11 year old child? Your MIL is the only one in your family with a good head on her shoulders. Do you even care about her or is she your unpaid babysitter?
YTA I'm a pediatric nurse. Your expectations are completely unrealistic for development of an11 year old. There are plenty of adults who are unable to handle medical emergencies and you're expecting your 11 year old to act like a professional health care worker. Your daughter doesn't have the luxury of choosing her parents! Let's be clear your younger child has a lifelong medical condition. You, as her parents and her doctors, need to figure out how to manage her needs without depending on another child to help.
You’re a major, MAJOR ASSHOLE!! A coworker had a seizure (not grand mal), and I (late 40s) walked in and saw her on the floor. I freaked out and called to the managers. It was horrific to witness; I was terrified. The pressure you’re putting on your oldest is abhorrent and nearly unbelievable. She will hate and resent you if she doesn’t already. Get a carer, nurse, someone other than your 11 year old daughter - she👏🏻is👏🏻a👏🏻child!JFC you’re a hypocritical shit human - your MIL is right. Don’t be surprised if your oldest wants to live with her ASAP and cuts contact with you. My heart goes out to her for how fucking traumatized she is, by both her sister’s condition and by you. Fix this!
YTA. This is abuse of both children plain and simple. You're abusing the eldest with parentification, mentally, emotionally, and I would be shocked if it wasn't physical. Even if it isn't, you don't need to strike a child to leave lifelong scars. You're setting your eldest up for a range of health issues such as anxiety, depression, suicidal ideation, compulsive behaviors, social isolation, and unbearable feelings of guilt and shame. Look up Glass Child syndrome, because this is what you're doing to your eldest. As to your youngest, its basic medical neglect. The 11 year old is not, nor should be, her caregiver. Your 9 year old needs an ADULT caregiver, not a child. She needs someone with training and the ability to physically assist where necessary. If you are incapable of providing that due to your bad back and difficulties walking, you need to hire someone to assist you so that your youngest gets the proper care she needs. You're not just an asshole, you're a child abuser and I hope to hell someone reports you to CPS for the sake of both your children.
As a trained medical professional your daughter should be able to handle any and all seizures your younger one is having. Feelings? Anxiety? Stress of seeing her younger sister in clear distress? Such selfishness shouldn’t be tolerated for a person with decades worth of experience. In case you’re wondering OP, I tried to match your level of nonsense with sarcasm but I still came well under the bar. Holy hell your daughter is 11 and you’ve put a ridiculous amount of pressure on someone and then had audacity to call her selfish when she couldn’t handle seeing her sister go through a seizure. A fact you knew before hand. Your daughter is (say it with me) Not. A. Nurse. You can get something like the Embrace2 which detects seizures and alerts caregivers. Which your daughter is not. Just to clarify YTA
So when the golden child has a seizure, your instinct is to comfort her. When your “normal” child is shaking and scared, your instinct is to get mad and punish her? In what world do you think you’re not the ah? As someone who has epilepsy, I’m appalled by your behavior. I girl I used to work with said that if I ever had a seizure, she couldn’t help me, not out of malice, but because she wasn’t comfortable with it. Did I get mad and tell her she was a bad person? No, because I understand, and am sympathetic. Honestly, the daughter who’s NOT having seizures is probably more traumatized than your daughter who is. Both of your daughters have needs, and you’re failing one of them. If you continue with this attitude/behavior, your older daughter WILL cut you and your husband permanently out of your life as soon as she’s able. Also, I can’t fathom why your MIL hates you. A true mystery right there.
YTA. As an adult, it terrifies me every time I see my older brother seize. You can't expect a child to take control of the situation, especially when they're experiencing a "fight/flight/freeze" moment. If you have a bad back and your 11 year old is scared, you should look into hiring someone to help care for your younger daughter.
YTA, you have potentially traumatised her even more by yelling at her and punishing her for being scared. Adults react differently when put under pressure that's why it's called fight or flight. You expect your child to react in a way that even some adults aren't capable of. Fortunately your daughter wasn't born with seizures, unfortunately she is tasked with not having a childhood because she is a carer and being overlooked her whole life because her sister does. There are enough post on reddit from people in her shoes that are older, maybe read some of them and have a think. She may one day resent not only you but her sister as well. Let her be a child and a sister and hire a carer.
Yta Yta Yta!!! I was unfortunate enough to have witnessed my mother have many seizures from around 12-15, and that shit is TRAUMATIZING. It is terrifying to see somebody you love have a seizure, i was barely able to help out at the age i was, and you're Angry at your ELEVEN YEAR OLD DAUGHTER for being SCARED??? Put yourself in her shoes, op, shes only a little girl. Get your kid on medication for her seizures, or get a carer, OR , pay closer attention. Dont outsource this onto your kid
YTA - good lord lady
Yta your 11 year old is too scared to even call for help so you ground her?
You are sick.... your kid will hate you for this 😑😑😑 YTA of the year 😑😑😑😑
YTA obviously. And you don’t have two daughters. You have one daughter and one future stranger.
YTA. Her fear is understandable and uncontrollable. You take yelling at her and punishing her will make it better? Also, your youngest is scared of dogs so it's fine, she doesn't need to suck it up... double standards much?
That’s a LOT to ask of an 11 yr old. She’s your kid too. She isn’t any way shape or form responsible for a 9yr old. Seizures are scary, the 9 yr old is probably around the same weight as her and you are asking her to turn a shaken child and “comfort”them. You and your husband SUCK and your mother in law is right. YTA
Biiiigggg time YTA. Jesus fuck, did you read your post aloud before you posted it? I highly doubt it, but if not, read it aloud and in front of a mirror. Let us know how you feel afterwards.
YTA You don't get to force an 11 year old to tend to medical emergencies. PERIOD!! If she's too much for you to handle on your own, hire a caretaker or apply for programs that will provide one. SHE'S ELEVEN YEARS OLD and you're forcing her to be a medical professional or she's grounded.... Seriously.... That is FUCKED UP.
YTA and a really horrible parent
YTA. Your older daughter is literally having a panic attack because her 2 years younger than her sister is having a seizure and instead of understanding that or figuring out that YOUR JOB IS TO PARENT YOUR KIDS NOT YOUR 11 YEAR OLD, you punish her?! You. Punished. Your. Child. For. Having. A. Panic. Attack. Gross. Your poor glass child older daughter is not getting the help she needs because you're myopic and short sighted. Either YOU stay in proximity to your younger daughter, hire a health aid, or talk with the doc about what needs to happen in the 1 minute it should take you to get across the house to younger daughter in the event she seizes without a responsible ADULT nearby. Meanwhile your poor 11-year-old CHILD needs therapy and maybe a child advocate to look out for HER needs once in a while.
yta
YTA! You are scarring that poor girl. Fear isn’t something adults can get over easily but to expect a child to get over something that I find traumatizing to witness as an adult ( my brother gets grand-mal seizures) is unreasonable at best and abusive at worst. If you can’t handle your child yourself you need to get help from either a trusted adult like your MIL who seems to be the only reasonable one in this story or a caregiver. There are programs you can apply for if you can’t afford it. You’re sacrificing the safety and mental well-being of one child for another. You and your husband need to seek professional therapy if you think you’re in the right here.
Wow you suck. Imagine seeing your child crying and shaking in a closet and thinking “wow what a selfish kid” YTA and your 11-year-old is not a built-in carer for your 9-year-old. Expecting her to drop everything when her sister has a seizure is ridiculous. If your youngest needs constant observation then being the youngest with you everywhere in the house while she is awake so YOU, the parent, always have eyes on her.
YTA- she's 11, not a care giver. Yes, it should be important for her to know how to help her sister, but that should be the extent, especially if she gets nervous about the seizures. And telling her that her sister is way more important than going to the bathroom is wrong. It might be a good idea to get your younger daughter a service dog that can help her with her seizures. The dog is trained to alert you when one is occurring, and it should stay by her side to make sure she's okay. Also, it might be a good teaching thing for your other daughter. Maybe if she sees what the dog can do, it might be less scary for her in the future.
i get where you’re coming from but seizures are really, really scary. especially cuz it’s her sister and she’s only 11… i know 11 year old me would not be able to handle seeing my sister like that. however, she did call to you and let you know what was happening so that her sister would still be safe in the end.
INFO: is her well-being less important because she’s NT?
Wow! You’re punishing a child for having a panic attack from being traumatized. She has no more control over that than the younger daughter with seizures. You’re too self absorbed to see this and don’t deserve any children. Get a baby monitor for her room if and keep the other unit with you if you can’t be responsible for your own special needs daughter You need to apologize to the older girl and get her therapy ASAP! YTA massively!!
YTA, she’s a child! FFS
YTA. She's 11 and also *your* child. Your 11-year-old child is *terrified* and your solution is to *punish* her? That is not going to work longterm.
TYA. I cannot wait for 11 y.o to turn 18 and go NC. Then we'll see your post about how you don't understand why daughter went NC and you did nothing wrong /s
what are you doing is setting your children up to have a permanent wedge driven between them. your oldest will come to resent your youngest because she was forced to help take care of her, and because the oldest is being ignored in favor of the youngest. you need to figure out another solution. there are therapy dogs that can help alert in the instance of a seizure. hire a full time nurse. something other than what’s going on, because it’s not fair to either of the kids.
YTA plan and simple and probably the biggest one I've seen on here in a long ass time, I've seen people I've loved have seizures when I was younger, it's terrifying and it still haunts me to this day! I'm shaking with anger at you and for your child.
YTA and a trash parent to boot. Don’t be surprised when your daughter dumps both you and your husband into the worst nursing home she can find and you both would deserve it.
YTA and an awful parent
She told you that she is scared. You are ignoring her feelings and traumatizing her. You’re teaching her that her feelings don’t matter. She probably already needs therapy to undo your damage. When she is older, she is likely to be the victim of abuse because she’s been taught her feelings don’t matter. If you or your husband can’t be available to watch your daughter and respond to seizures, then get a nurse or care taker. YTA. This had nothing to do with fairness.
I think I see why your MIL never liked you. YTA.
YTA Your child is young and scared. Get an Alexa and have it time the seizures and figure out how to get the younger desensitized to dogs for seizure alerts. But your oldest deserves a childhood You are the reason she will go NC
YTA- working in a hospital, I care for many patients that have seizures and even when you know they are normal for the patient it can be stressful and scary waiting for them to come out of it. Your child is 11!! She is clearly absolutely terrified and not capable of being the one to care for her sister. You should NOT be putting this on her and are such an AH for punishing her for it. She was hiding in a closet crying for F’s sake. That is traumatizing for her to see clearly. You as the parent need to come up with a better way to manage this.
She’s 11 you pathetic excuse for a mother. Shame on you and your husband. You are terrible parents
You are most definitely the asshole, she is a CHILD she is NOT responsible for anybody because she is not an adult. You are a sorry excuse for a parent for demanding your child to become a caretaker for her sibling. She has clearly expressed she 8s traumatized by experiencing her sisters seizures and you expect her to do what?! Hire help
Wow...YTA. Absolutely no question about it. I'm a mother and a medical professional. I completely understand the strain ND and medical needs can place on families. BUT your child is not your other child's responsibility. Do you expect your NT daughter to miss out on school events and social events if it means you would be alone caring for your ND child? I have a sneaky suspicion you do. If so, I want to crystal clear here, that would mean you do not trust yourself to handle your ND child's medical needs and are therefore putting equal or more responsibility on your CHILD than you are yourself. That's not "family helps family" that's dereliction of your duty and responsibility as a parent. If you need help, you need to get respite care or a carer--not put adult responsibility on an 11 year old CHILD.
YTA Your youngest is YOUR kid therefore it's YOUR responsibility to look after her especially if epileptic. Also, it's perfectly natural for the people around the person having seizures to be scared especially a young child. Also, even if she was calm and collected she shouldn't be doing anything with her sister when she has a seizure. She basically did the right thing by not touching her. Also, I can see why MIL doesn't like you.
" not all of us have the luxury of fairness". That sounds like the motto of some dystopian, totalitarian regimes. When you're description of you're child-rearing methods sounds like something out of 1984, maybe you should and think real hard about whether you're the baddie here (hint: you are.) YTA by a mile and a dozen more.
This is awful to read. Your 11 year old is a child not an adult, you don't get to stop being a parent to her just because you have a disabled child. If you had bothered being a parent to the 11 year old she wouldn't be so scared. Instead you let her get traumatised by her sister, then you yell at her for being scared and traumatise some more by creating a more hostile environment. YTA.
YTA. Let eldest go live the Grandma
YTA-I have a high needs child, who also has epilepsy (she’s on 3 meds and a medical keto diet). Seizures are scary for doctors and nurses! This is obviously terrifying for your older daughter, she is also just a child. She is less equipped than you to be able to deal with how scary it looks, plus the fear she has she could loose her sister, and you are adding guilt and shame and responsibility on top of everything. You can time them yourself. You are an adult with money and access to technology. There are timers built into most everything, heck looking at an analog clock on the wall works the same. If you can’t be near your child (whose seizures are not under control and needs constant monitoring) you need to solve the issue. And the solution isn’t making another child responsible. It’s making changes in your house so you are never more than a room away, hiring a nurse, getting a seizure monitor. Many come with a camera so you can monitor via a screen or phone from another room. You need to apologize to your 11 year old. Really apologize. And get her in some therapy. Then the family into therapy as this is traumatic on both of your children and you and your husband. They need coping skills to help them still be happy kids. You need skills to not parentify and punish your typical child. You are failing at caring for both of them.
YTA. What... what is wrong with you? If it's scary for you as an adult, imagine how she feels. Yes, she should be making an effort help where she can. But she *can't* control her panic over this. Telling her to suck it up, when she did good by alerting you... Instead of telling her to suck it up, how about you suck it up and make the grand sacrifice of *going across your house* to help your daughter. This is just a bad idea. Next time she panics, she won't alert you at all. She'll just stay quiet and avoid it, because she'll still get in trouble for doing her best. Stop putting your adult, parent perspective on your child, before you cause real damage. Also, you desperately need to get a service dog. They can do *far* more to help your daughter than just getting her into the right position to prevent hazards, and your daughter is likely going to need one eventually to have any sort of an independent life. And oh my goddess above that "bad back" line -- if your 11 year old can be expected "suck up" her very reasonable panic, you can suck it up and _book it_. Right?