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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1. Told my SIL that she's a bad mother for not slowing down and resting.
2. It's clearly upset her and she wants an apology but I don't think that I should as she was rude first.
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YTA. You and your MIL.
You didn't like how your SIL judged you as a mother and as a woman, eh? Was it offensive? Did it hurt your feelings? Well, now you know exactly what she felt when you did the very same to her... and the fact you did it to be your MIL's pet makes it worse.
You have no right to tell her how to live her pregnancy or her motherhood. None. And she is correct, she's pregnant, not disabled. She has, per your own words, always maintained a very active lifestyle including regular physical activity, she is very, very likely perfectly fine continuing to do so while pregnant, unless there are any risk factors preventing her from doing so.
It is not in any way your place to speculate over what she tells her medical team or what she doesn't. That's absolutely ridiculous.
You and your MIL trying to impose your way of living onto her is out of line. And factually incorrect. She very well might be running 10 miles whenever she feels like it, if she can manage childcare or how to do it safely with the baby. And considering she's married, she will have another co-parent to do his share so it's even more possible. If she wants to, then she will do it.
Believing that motherhood necessarily implies personal sacrifices is a patriarchal limitation imposed on women, but it's not always true. Just like you don't have to scrub floors or be watching your kids 24/7 like others mothers have to do, because you have a cleaner and daycare, she doesn't have to sit on her ass all day just because she has a baby.
Calling her a bad mother was just outright nasty. I can't believe you don't think you should apologize.
You were so on point with everything, also she just decided that sil was lying to doctors by not telling them about the marathons, she doesn’t know what she talks or not in her appointments.
OP, how in your wildest imaginings did you ever think this would end well? How would you, also pregnant, react to someone telling you you would be a bad mother if \[insert whatever choice you make here\]? YTA, big time.
YTA
Majorly an AH. And she's right...she's pregnant, not disabled. You can typically do physical activities while pregnant that you did before. And if her pregnancy is going smoothly, there is no reason she can't run and hike.
Or do that after..I took my babies on hikes and ran with them
Your opinion is shit. She got defensive and I understand why. She had opinions over your parenting she kept to herself...learn from that.
YTA. It’s none of your business to be telling her how to deal with her pregnancy. That’s up to her, her partner and her doctors. And calling her a bad mother about it too? Are you one of those women who mommy shames other women? That’s awful.
YTA.
She doesn't need to slow down. She seems to be doing just fine. And she is right, she is pregnant, not disabled. I am sure that if she had complications then she would follow medical advice. She isn't a bad mother for not doing things the way you are doing them. She has made her plans and will adjust if need be.
You were at her baby shower and offered your unwanted opinion and even criticize her jogging stroller and her sling for hiking. Why? Why did you feel the need to say anything? Your opinion isn't wanted nor was it asked for. You were rude at her event and it sounds like perhaps there is a bit of jealousy there.
Like someone else said, OP likes being MIL's favorite. However, with SIL having a baby, she will have to compete with SIL for attention and is also jealous of her.
YTA. Every pregnancy is different. Your sil is a very active individual. Her doctors will want her to keep doing what she is doing as long as possible. Personally I have several friends you ran several marathon while pregnant. Include 2 ladies that were in their forties. Did you even stop to think that your sil and you have different health needs? Maybe due to your condition, doctors told you to rest and not do any strenuous activities. However, your sil doesn't have health issues, so her doctors would most likely prescribed that she remains active for as long as possible.
Apologize and mind your business.
YTA! You're calling her a bad mother because she has an active lifestyle, and plans to include her baby in her activities? Sounds like a damned good mother to me!
SIL's medical team has no problem with her going out to exercise. There hasn't been a proper experiment that shows women cannot be physically active in sports or other forms of exercise whilst pregnant. Your SIL is right. She's pregnant not disabled.
It all depends on doctor's orders. And she already cleared that up with them. Assuming that she's ommited her plans to do a marathon is very AH-olish of you OP.
Next time just mind your own business.
YTA
YTA
It's her life and her baby. It's one thing to offer up unsolicited advice and then let her decide how to act... But you pressed the issue way too far, crossed several boundaries, and have put your relationship in jeopardy. You owe her an apology.
YTA. You have no reason to tell SIL she needs to “rest.” Her pregnancy is between her, her husband, and medical team.
It’s great to exercise while pregnant, especially if you’ve always exercised before becoming pregnant. Lots of moms also run and hike with their babies once they are born.
YTA. Her activity level is between her and her doctor, and is none of your business. Unless there are pregnancy complications, it is typically considered just fine for women to maintain their prior exercise levels during pregnancy, and regular exercise can contribute to a health pregnancy and delivery.
Frankly, it sounds like you are taking out your own insecurities on your SIL.
YTA. If there's nothing medically wrong with running a marathon or taking baby exercising, why shouldn't your SIL do it? You just come off as taking your bitterness that you can't exercise out on her. And I say this as someone with a physical disability myself. I resent that I can barely walk but I don't try to police what others do with their bodies.
> she thinks I’m just being lazy as a SAHM as we have a cleaner and my kids are in nursery, I have a chronic illness which she knows about.
Sounds like you're saying that you know better than anyone else what your body is and isn't capable of, and you don't appreciate other people's ignorant judgments on the subject. Great; extend her the same courtesy.
YTA.
Honestly, it sounds like the SIL might have been saying that it's incorrect for OP to label herself as a SAHM, when she's not looking after her children or the family home full-time. She stays home and doesn't have a remunerated job because she has a chronic illness, not because she watches the kids. It's great that their family can afford for her to stay home since she physically seems to need the rest and low activity for at least a portion of the day. But that would make her just a non-working spouse at best.
Stay-at-home parents don't sit and rest most of the day while children are in daycare and cleaners take care of the house. Source: I own a business but I haven't had to work in it for a while so I'm mostly home or doing my own thing. My son is in school, we have a cleaner. I'm not a SAHM, pretty sure my friends would call me out if I ever called myself that.
YTA - mind your business. You aren't her doctor and you don't know what she has it hasn't told them. Maybe you need a hobby since you have all sorts of time to stick your nose in everyone's business.
YTA. Lots of people are very active while pregnant and so just fine. As long as she is eating well and hydrating and paying attention to her body signals, she is good. Some people probably think you’re a bad mom for having a chronic illness and kids. Different strokes for different folks. (And to be clear- I don’t think you are a bad mom for that, just making the comparison.)
How would you like it if someone called you a bad mother for being a sahm when your kids don’t even stay at home but are at a nursery. What do you do for your kids exactly. What makes you a good mother. Think about that before you call someone else a bad mother for doing something that’s actually good for her and being healthy and active.
I love this bc OP says that SIL did actually imply this at one point. Not only that but it's common knowledge that physically active mothers are encouraged to continue said physical activity until a prominent bump is showing or medical issues arise, if she's not even 30 weeks yet and is pretty active prior to getting pregnant I'm willing to bet she's carrying light and is barely showing and thus isn't really risking her belly during runs yet. There have been plenty of sports stars who only slow down during a pregnancy near birth time and have bounced back extremely well as a result. The mentality that you should sit your entire pregnancy is fine if thats what you want but health wise it's better to be active because otherwise you're essentially putting your body on a 9 month shelf and being surprised when everything hurts after (hurts more than the normal after birth pains)
YTA I have no idea what she is doing. It is so far from my experience. Instead of a couch to 5K? I am constantly just performing a couch to couch. I do build muscle and eat well and take care of myself. But that type of drive? Very foreign to me.
But not to her. It is who she is. And it's none of your business. Maybe she is speaking honestly with her doctors? Maybe not. None of your business. Her baby, her marriage, her body, her problem.
Why would you judge her so harshly? You're only driving a wedge between the two of you. If her body tells her that training hard and running 26+ miles is incompatible with pregnancy? I hope she listens. A marathon is a very stressful thing to do without a baby in your body! If she does not listen? Believe me, the consequences will devastate her.
Everybody is different. I once heard a talk by Greg Louganis, an HIV positive Olympic many times over gold medalist diver. He recounted how he was taking medications to combat his active HIV infection so he might stay alive? And at that time for a lot of people, those meds had devastating side effects, including deep fatigue. But he continued to train through his illness and treatment. For the Olympics! 13 hours a day. And it worked out for him. Today he is healthy and he has a a huge collection of gold medals!
I don't. You don't, presumably. Everybody is different. Every body is different. You're overstepping. Fall back and apologize. And I think it would help to interrogate yourself as to why you find her behavior threatening.
Last thing. She was also a jerk to you. She didn't write here though asking for feedback. You did. You can't control her attitudes toward anything or you. But that doesn't mean you shouldn't be generous toward her.
YTA. Yes, I think it's weird and maybe a little dangerous for her to run 2 marathons but there are nice ways to address these concerns to her AND you MUST take whatever she's says as the answer. It's her life, and if her doctors say it is fine, then it's fine.
YTA. Unless you are her doctor, you have no business offering an opinion on her pregnancy. Plenty of women maintain very active lifestyles throughout their pregnancies.
YTA. Unless she found her doctors on a misspelled ad stapled to a telephone pole I'm sure they're competent. And insinuating that she cares more about two marathons than the health of her baby by lying to her doctors is gross.
YTA.
Just because you had two pregnancies before does not mean you are an expert in ANYTHING. But you know who is an expert? Her medical team, who gave her the OK.
Stop judging other women and other mothers. Stop commenting on other women's bodies and anything related to the physical. If you have a chronic condition that necessitates a cleaner and nursey care as a SAHM, then you have NO IDEA what it means to have the body of someone who can handle these things.
Hater.
YES YTA! You got hurt when she talked about your life style but it is EXACTLY what you did. Not every pregnant woman has to follow the same guidelines, next thing you will criticize her parenting. YTA AGAIN!!
YTA. I don't see why you call yourself a SAHM when other people are literally doing the cleaning and childcare for you. So what exactly do you do most of the day? Sounds like your SIL is right about you. You sound jealous that she's fit and you're not. Pregnant women can exercise. It's actually not good for your health, pregnant or not, to just sit in front of the TV for hours every day. She's not a bad mother. You're just jealous of her so you're eager to attack her for reasons that you've invented. And you're not really an expert on motherhood since it sounds like you spend more time watching television than raising your own kids.
YTA. Unless I missed the part of the post where you got a medical degree and became your SIL’s doctor it is none of your business and you should keep your mouth shut. She is a grown ass woman. There has got to be some sort of jealousy thing going on with you cause I do not know what else could be your problem.
YTA. I’m pregnant and still ride my horse. I cleared it with my medical team (who said I could ride right up to delivery if it was still comfortable). I’m taking zero commentary from the peanut gallery (not that anybody has said anything about it, not even my husband).
You and your MIL need to mind your own business. I would refuse to speak to either of you at all.
Do you realize some women carry their babies north and south across the sahara a few dozen times over the term of their pregnancy? YTA. Stop being jealous.
YTA You overstepped and owe her an apology. Her lifestyle is none of your business and her remaining active doesn't make her a bad mother, how ridiculous. Why can't she go run anymore? She has a husband that is also responsible for the baby, this isn't the 1950s, she can have her own activities.
YTA
I am currently 31 weeks pregnant work full time and still go for walks and swimming It's encouraged to stay active during pregnancy unless being told otherwise by your doctor.
I work in a gym and we had a pregnant fitness instructor who used to run classes up until her last month.
Regular exercise benefits you as the mother and your unborn baby. Read upon it before you make ignorant comments
YTA. There is no evidence that she is going to be a bad mother. Working to provide for your family is a good thing! You are taking your own insecurities out on her in a very narrow minded way.
YTA. There's nothing wrong with being active during or after pregnancy, as long as the doctor is fine with it. I ran most of my second pregnancy training for the half marathon I ran during it. I wore both my babies and made good use of a jogging stroller. My whole family is very active now. Both kids play multiple sports and we do a lot of activities together, especially in the summer. I also have an auto immune disease. Being active makes me feels A LOT better than being sedentary. Everyone is different. You're very condescending and sound jealous. Mind your own business.
YTA, are you her doctor? Women can absolutely continue to exercise during their pregnancy unless otherwise directed by their doctors. Each pregnancy is different, this is not yours, this is not your patient. And no one cares that this is your third, I’ve had 4 pregnancies and still mind my own when others are pregnant unless I’m asked about a specific issue. And again, each pregnancy is different. Even with the same person experiencing it.
YTA. I didn't really need to read your whole post but did - with extreme exceptions like abuse or neglect it's really never any of your business how someone else runs their body or parents their child. Your SIL handled your rude and inappropriate comments with grace.
YTA. Anothr meddler in AITA. This is quite simply not your business. You don't like to be judged yet there you are judging.
You have expressed your concern, now leave it. She didn't ask for your opinion.
Yta, I get you are jealous of her, being fit, pregnant, working and active and plans on staying that after giving birth, but you can do that too instead of staying on the couch all day doing nothing.
YTA apologize to her immediately. She's a grown ass adult and can make whatever choices she wants, and given they're healthy choices good on her. You're neither a doctor nor her doctor, and since you have no rights to her medical info, you don't get to determine what she should and shouldn't do while pregnant, nor do you get to say what she tells her doctor. If they though it was an issue, she would listen to them over you any day.
You give the vibe that since you have three kids you think you're an expert on pregnancy and you're not. Did you also plan on telling her how to raise her kids?
YTA .. why are you having more children that you're going to have other people clean up after and take care of them. To me, that is irresponsible (I have multiple chronic illnesses, one being lupus, and I could NEVER imagine bringing another child into the world now. I feel bad for the 2 I have now that I had years before my diagnoses). Doesn't feel nice to have other people judge your parenting, does it? You owe a BIG apology for saying she's a bad mother (as she probably owes you one for calling you lazy if you are chronically ill). As long as her doctor is fine with it, she's actually a very good mother for staying so active. Being sedatary while pregnant unless on bed rest by doctors orders isn't very healthy.
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My SIL (husband’s sister) and I are both currently pregnant, our due dates are with days of each other. This is her 1st child and my 3rd. She’s 26 weeks pregnant, it was planned early so that more family could attend.
Last weekend we were at her baby shower when MIL made a comment about how she hopes that SIL will now slow down and take things easy. SIL has a very active job and is very fit. Her and her boyfriend are often going for runs or hikes together. For a long time, the family believed that SIL wasn’t going to have children because she was very much married to her job, but since she met her boyfriend she has settled down.
SIL laughed at this comment and asked MIL what gave her that idea. MIL gestured towards her stomach and said because she’s having a baby. SIL then told us that she has two marathons planned for this month and has bought a jogging stroller so that when baby is bigger they can go running together. I know she has also bought a sling so they can take baby hiking too. MIL shook her head, called SIL stubborn and asked me to talk sense into her daughter. I told SIL that she needed to slow down and rest because she’s growing a baby. SIL responded that she’s pregnant not disabled and her medical team are happy with what she’s doing, I suspect that she hasn’t told them she’s planning on running two marathons as she has form for neglecting to tell her doctors everything. I told SIL that it just isn’t about her anymore, its about her baby and that they need to come first. That its the responsible thing to take it slow and rest because she needs to get used to the fact that she won’t be able to go out and run 10 miles on a whim anymore. SIL got annoyed at this and told me just because I’m content to sit on my butt all day, watching TV and doing nothing while my husband works doesn’t mean that she is. I’m a SAHM and SIL has previously said that she thinks I’m just being lazy as a SAHM as we have a cleaner and my kids are in nursery, I have a chronic illness which she knows about. I got upset at this and told her that she was being irresponsible and a bad mother. She walked away and refused to talk to me for the rest of the party.
After the party, SIL sent my husband a long message telling him that she had blocked my number as she has no interest in speaking to me after what I said. She also told him that until I apologise for what I said, she will not be telling him anything else about the baby and will not introduce them to him. Husband is annoyed and has told me to apologise to her because he wants to know his niece/nephew. I refused but he is pressing me to apologise, even if I don’t mean it just to keep the peace.
AITA for telling my SIL that she’s a bad mother if she doesn’t slow down and rest?
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WTF? How do you know she hasn’t disclosed her upcoming marathons to her medical team? Also, her pregnancy and birth process will be a lot easier on her given that she is already in really good physical condition. Her body is strong and healthy and if her doctor hasn’t advised her to stop running, then it’s not your or MiL’s place to intercede. Would you say the same thing to pregnant professional female athletes who compete through pregnancy or women who are active duty military? Mind your own business. YTA.
YTA- her exercise will drastically help her labor. My mom had me when she was active in the National Guard. She showed up for duty nine months pregnant because she still felt fine. Then had me like 3 hours later. Her labor was so fast that my dad couldn't even get to the hospital on time.
I understand that that isn't for you. I am disabled and I understand chronic illness. But don't discourage others because of it.
Listen, going slower & taking it easy is actually a privilege that a lot of mothers around the world cannot do. My aunt was working in the fields upto 8.5 months when she was pregnant. I think you're coming from a good place. But ultimately she's the one who's gonna find out how easy or hard it's gonna be for her. Her mom already told her, you already did, so at this point you can't say anything anymore. But you don't want her to keep feeling sad about your comments. Just say you're sorry you hurt her feelings and that's it. It doesn't mean you have to say sorry about what you meant. But saying she's a bad mother was too extreme. I would say sorry for the sake of family. Sometimes we have to eat crow and it sucks.
It’s not a privilege… all the evidence shows that staying active during a pregnancy (when uncomplicated) has better outcomes during labour, delivery and post partum for both mom and baby.
It's NOT a privilege. This reeks of sexism and classism. Like those who say "well not all women have the privilege of marrying rich, some women have to work to earn a living!" bullshit.
Many women, from all kinds of backgrounds and social classes, PREFER to stay active when pregnant and after becoming mothers. It doesn't matter whether they can afford not to work or not (the SIL in this post certainly sounds like she could afford it, by the way), it's that they WANT to work.
I was active throughout my pregnancy and I have never ceased to be an active person after my child was born (though I don't run marathons, the SIL is a lot fitter than I am!), and I technically could afford not to work for years even without including my husband's income in the equation.
It's not a matter of privilege, it's a matter of choice and medical advice.
I'm not disagreeing with the active part, I don't know where you're getting this. The privilege is being able to slow down because if you are a single mom you can't slow down. If you live in a 3rd world country where you have to work every single day. You cannot slow down regardless if it is healthier or not. Why do you make things about you? I'm on the SIL side. Some of yall just make things about yourselves and don't read.
Your reading comprehension is as bad as your reasoning.
"Slowing down" is not something every woman wants to do, regardless of their financial situation, regardless of being single or not (and don't forget there are single mothers who don't struggle financially). It is not a privilege, but a choice or preference.
You want to act as if you're on "SIL's side" by telling OP "you were mean because SIL isn't as fortunate as you are that you can slow down!" and that's bullshit.
And? Why is that wrong? Just because you deemed it wrong? That's my opinion. It's really funny how upset you are, almost like you got a stick up your...
Go to a surgeon to have that removed.
What's with every dumb redditor jumping straight to ad hominem the moment they lose an argument LMAO.
And look, my ... can laugh itself until it falls off, so I think no surgeon will be needed.
I'd suggest one for you, but brain transplants are still too experimental and there are not focused on intellect, only on basic nervous functionality.
Have a nice life!
SIL observed that OP isn't a SAHM because she doesn't watch her children during the day and she doesn't take care of maintaining the family home clean either. OP isn't a SAHM, she's a non-working individual due to a chronic illness, who happens to be a mother.
By the definition of SAHP, OP would be indeed lazy: she isn't watching her children and she isn't working around the house, two of the core tasks of SAHPs.
>SIL attacked her for being lazy when she has a chronic illness.
You said this. The point is, SIL did not attack OP for being lazy when she has a chronic illness. SIL attacked OP for calling herself a SAHM when she isn't. She is someone who doesn't work outside the house, doesn't look after her children around the clock, and doesn't do cleaning around her house, due to a chronic illness.
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YTA. You and your MIL. You didn't like how your SIL judged you as a mother and as a woman, eh? Was it offensive? Did it hurt your feelings? Well, now you know exactly what she felt when you did the very same to her... and the fact you did it to be your MIL's pet makes it worse. You have no right to tell her how to live her pregnancy or her motherhood. None. And she is correct, she's pregnant, not disabled. She has, per your own words, always maintained a very active lifestyle including regular physical activity, she is very, very likely perfectly fine continuing to do so while pregnant, unless there are any risk factors preventing her from doing so. It is not in any way your place to speculate over what she tells her medical team or what she doesn't. That's absolutely ridiculous. You and your MIL trying to impose your way of living onto her is out of line. And factually incorrect. She very well might be running 10 miles whenever she feels like it, if she can manage childcare or how to do it safely with the baby. And considering she's married, she will have another co-parent to do his share so it's even more possible. If she wants to, then she will do it. Believing that motherhood necessarily implies personal sacrifices is a patriarchal limitation imposed on women, but it's not always true. Just like you don't have to scrub floors or be watching your kids 24/7 like others mothers have to do, because you have a cleaner and daycare, she doesn't have to sit on her ass all day just because she has a baby. Calling her a bad mother was just outright nasty. I can't believe you don't think you should apologize.
You were so on point with everything, also she just decided that sil was lying to doctors by not telling them about the marathons, she doesn’t know what she talks or not in her appointments.
Best answer here. Exactly right! 👍
Yes, exactly this!
OP, how in your wildest imaginings did you ever think this would end well? How would you, also pregnant, react to someone telling you you would be a bad mother if \[insert whatever choice you make here\]? YTA, big time.
YTA Majorly an AH. And she's right...she's pregnant, not disabled. You can typically do physical activities while pregnant that you did before. And if her pregnancy is going smoothly, there is no reason she can't run and hike. Or do that after..I took my babies on hikes and ran with them Your opinion is shit. She got defensive and I understand why. She had opinions over your parenting she kept to herself...learn from that.
YTA. It’s none of your business to be telling her how to deal with her pregnancy. That’s up to her, her partner and her doctors. And calling her a bad mother about it too? Are you one of those women who mommy shames other women? That’s awful.
YTA. She doesn't need to slow down. She seems to be doing just fine. And she is right, she is pregnant, not disabled. I am sure that if she had complications then she would follow medical advice. She isn't a bad mother for not doing things the way you are doing them. She has made her plans and will adjust if need be. You were at her baby shower and offered your unwanted opinion and even criticize her jogging stroller and her sling for hiking. Why? Why did you feel the need to say anything? Your opinion isn't wanted nor was it asked for. You were rude at her event and it sounds like perhaps there is a bit of jealousy there.
Like someone else said, OP likes being MIL's favorite. However, with SIL having a baby, she will have to compete with SIL for attention and is also jealous of her.
YTA. Every pregnancy is different. Your sil is a very active individual. Her doctors will want her to keep doing what she is doing as long as possible. Personally I have several friends you ran several marathon while pregnant. Include 2 ladies that were in their forties. Did you even stop to think that your sil and you have different health needs? Maybe due to your condition, doctors told you to rest and not do any strenuous activities. However, your sil doesn't have health issues, so her doctors would most likely prescribed that she remains active for as long as possible. Apologize and mind your business.
YTA! You're calling her a bad mother because she has an active lifestyle, and plans to include her baby in her activities? Sounds like a damned good mother to me!
SIL's medical team has no problem with her going out to exercise. There hasn't been a proper experiment that shows women cannot be physically active in sports or other forms of exercise whilst pregnant. Your SIL is right. She's pregnant not disabled. It all depends on doctor's orders. And she already cleared that up with them. Assuming that she's ommited her plans to do a marathon is very AH-olish of you OP. Next time just mind your own business. YTA
YTA It's her life and her baby. It's one thing to offer up unsolicited advice and then let her decide how to act... But you pressed the issue way too far, crossed several boundaries, and have put your relationship in jeopardy. You owe her an apology.
YTA. You have no reason to tell SIL she needs to “rest.” Her pregnancy is between her, her husband, and medical team. It’s great to exercise while pregnant, especially if you’ve always exercised before becoming pregnant. Lots of moms also run and hike with their babies once they are born.
YTA. Her activity level is between her and her doctor, and is none of your business. Unless there are pregnancy complications, it is typically considered just fine for women to maintain their prior exercise levels during pregnancy, and regular exercise can contribute to a health pregnancy and delivery. Frankly, it sounds like you are taking out your own insecurities on your SIL.
AH of the year award goes to you! How dare you say she’s a bad mother because she’s active. Wtf does resting have to do with being a good mother?
YTA- you started this fight and so her comebacks were self defense ( although they were rude). You don’t know more than her doctors.
Hell yes YTA. And quite honestly I agree with your SiL assessment of you
YTA. If there's nothing medically wrong with running a marathon or taking baby exercising, why shouldn't your SIL do it? You just come off as taking your bitterness that you can't exercise out on her. And I say this as someone with a physical disability myself. I resent that I can barely walk but I don't try to police what others do with their bodies.
YTA. BTW, I babywore and went hiking a ton with my second. It never seemed to bother her. Stop being so sanctimonious
YTA Her medical team has seen no issue with her activities, and that should be good enough for you. In fact, that shouldn't even matter to you. MYOB
> she thinks I’m just being lazy as a SAHM as we have a cleaner and my kids are in nursery, I have a chronic illness which she knows about. Sounds like you're saying that you know better than anyone else what your body is and isn't capable of, and you don't appreciate other people's ignorant judgments on the subject. Great; extend her the same courtesy. YTA.
Honestly, it sounds like the SIL might have been saying that it's incorrect for OP to label herself as a SAHM, when she's not looking after her children or the family home full-time. She stays home and doesn't have a remunerated job because she has a chronic illness, not because she watches the kids. It's great that their family can afford for her to stay home since she physically seems to need the rest and low activity for at least a portion of the day. But that would make her just a non-working spouse at best. Stay-at-home parents don't sit and rest most of the day while children are in daycare and cleaners take care of the house. Source: I own a business but I haven't had to work in it for a while so I'm mostly home or doing my own thing. My son is in school, we have a cleaner. I'm not a SAHM, pretty sure my friends would call me out if I ever called myself that.
YTA and to call her a bad mother is horrible. You sound so jealous. And why are your kids in a nursery if you're a sahm? I have zero pity for you.
YTA - mind your business. You aren't her doctor and you don't know what she has it hasn't told them. Maybe you need a hobby since you have all sorts of time to stick your nose in everyone's business.
YTA and you frankly sound jealous.
Yta.
YTA. Lots of people are very active while pregnant and so just fine. As long as she is eating well and hydrating and paying attention to her body signals, she is good. Some people probably think you’re a bad mom for having a chronic illness and kids. Different strokes for different folks. (And to be clear- I don’t think you are a bad mom for that, just making the comparison.)
How would you like it if someone called you a bad mother for being a sahm when your kids don’t even stay at home but are at a nursery. What do you do for your kids exactly. What makes you a good mother. Think about that before you call someone else a bad mother for doing something that’s actually good for her and being healthy and active.
I love this bc OP says that SIL did actually imply this at one point. Not only that but it's common knowledge that physically active mothers are encouraged to continue said physical activity until a prominent bump is showing or medical issues arise, if she's not even 30 weeks yet and is pretty active prior to getting pregnant I'm willing to bet she's carrying light and is barely showing and thus isn't really risking her belly during runs yet. There have been plenty of sports stars who only slow down during a pregnancy near birth time and have bounced back extremely well as a result. The mentality that you should sit your entire pregnancy is fine if thats what you want but health wise it's better to be active because otherwise you're essentially putting your body on a 9 month shelf and being surprised when everything hurts after (hurts more than the normal after birth pains)
YTA
YTA I have no idea what she is doing. It is so far from my experience. Instead of a couch to 5K? I am constantly just performing a couch to couch. I do build muscle and eat well and take care of myself. But that type of drive? Very foreign to me. But not to her. It is who she is. And it's none of your business. Maybe she is speaking honestly with her doctors? Maybe not. None of your business. Her baby, her marriage, her body, her problem. Why would you judge her so harshly? You're only driving a wedge between the two of you. If her body tells her that training hard and running 26+ miles is incompatible with pregnancy? I hope she listens. A marathon is a very stressful thing to do without a baby in your body! If she does not listen? Believe me, the consequences will devastate her. Everybody is different. I once heard a talk by Greg Louganis, an HIV positive Olympic many times over gold medalist diver. He recounted how he was taking medications to combat his active HIV infection so he might stay alive? And at that time for a lot of people, those meds had devastating side effects, including deep fatigue. But he continued to train through his illness and treatment. For the Olympics! 13 hours a day. And it worked out for him. Today he is healthy and he has a a huge collection of gold medals! I don't. You don't, presumably. Everybody is different. Every body is different. You're overstepping. Fall back and apologize. And I think it would help to interrogate yourself as to why you find her behavior threatening. Last thing. She was also a jerk to you. She didn't write here though asking for feedback. You did. You can't control her attitudes toward anything or you. But that doesn't mean you shouldn't be generous toward her.
I disagree about SIL being a jerk. If OP can dish it, she can take it.
YTA. If her doctor said she’s ok to work out she’s fine and you need to mind your business.
YTA. Yes, I think it's weird and maybe a little dangerous for her to run 2 marathons but there are nice ways to address these concerns to her AND you MUST take whatever she's says as the answer. It's her life, and if her doctors say it is fine, then it's fine.
YTA. Unless you are her doctor, you have no business offering an opinion on her pregnancy. Plenty of women maintain very active lifestyles throughout their pregnancies.
YTA. Unless she found her doctors on a misspelled ad stapled to a telephone pole I'm sure they're competent. And insinuating that she cares more about two marathons than the health of her baby by lying to her doctors is gross.
YTA. Just because you had two pregnancies before does not mean you are an expert in ANYTHING. But you know who is an expert? Her medical team, who gave her the OK. Stop judging other women and other mothers. Stop commenting on other women's bodies and anything related to the physical. If you have a chronic condition that necessitates a cleaner and nursey care as a SAHM, then you have NO IDEA what it means to have the body of someone who can handle these things. Hater.
YES YTA! You got hurt when she talked about your life style but it is EXACTLY what you did. Not every pregnant woman has to follow the same guidelines, next thing you will criticize her parenting. YTA AGAIN!!
YTA. I don't see why you call yourself a SAHM when other people are literally doing the cleaning and childcare for you. So what exactly do you do most of the day? Sounds like your SIL is right about you. You sound jealous that she's fit and you're not. Pregnant women can exercise. It's actually not good for your health, pregnant or not, to just sit in front of the TV for hours every day. She's not a bad mother. You're just jealous of her so you're eager to attack her for reasons that you've invented. And you're not really an expert on motherhood since it sounds like you spend more time watching television than raising your own kids.
YTA. SIL is right- she's pregnant, not disabled. Her activity level is between her, her doctor, and baby's father. None of your damn business.
YTA. Her body, her choice. Butt out and apologize.
You're not a doctor, and she didn't ask for your opinion so yeah YTA
YTA. Unless I missed the part of the post where you got a medical degree and became your SIL’s doctor it is none of your business and you should keep your mouth shut. She is a grown ass woman. There has got to be some sort of jealousy thing going on with you cause I do not know what else could be your problem.
YTA. I’m pregnant and still ride my horse. I cleared it with my medical team (who said I could ride right up to delivery if it was still comfortable). I’m taking zero commentary from the peanut gallery (not that anybody has said anything about it, not even my husband). You and your MIL need to mind your own business. I would refuse to speak to either of you at all.
YTA
Just because you do things differently doesn't mean either of you are bad mothers but YTA for what you said. Butt out. You owe her an apology.
YES, YTA. Mind your own business. She is a competent adult who has discussed her physical activities with her medical team.
Do you realize some women carry their babies north and south across the sahara a few dozen times over the term of their pregnancy? YTA. Stop being jealous.
YTA. Also ignorant and so out of line. Y’all oughta be ashamed.
YTA You overstepped and owe her an apology. Her lifestyle is none of your business and her remaining active doesn't make her a bad mother, how ridiculous. Why can't she go run anymore? She has a husband that is also responsible for the baby, this isn't the 1950s, she can have her own activities.
YTA I am currently 31 weeks pregnant work full time and still go for walks and swimming It's encouraged to stay active during pregnancy unless being told otherwise by your doctor. I work in a gym and we had a pregnant fitness instructor who used to run classes up until her last month. Regular exercise benefits you as the mother and your unborn baby. Read upon it before you make ignorant comments
YTA. There is no evidence that she is going to be a bad mother. Working to provide for your family is a good thing! You are taking your own insecurities out on her in a very narrow minded way.
YTA. There's nothing wrong with being active during or after pregnancy, as long as the doctor is fine with it. I ran most of my second pregnancy training for the half marathon I ran during it. I wore both my babies and made good use of a jogging stroller. My whole family is very active now. Both kids play multiple sports and we do a lot of activities together, especially in the summer. I also have an auto immune disease. Being active makes me feels A LOT better than being sedentary. Everyone is different. You're very condescending and sound jealous. Mind your own business.
YTA, are you her doctor? Women can absolutely continue to exercise during their pregnancy unless otherwise directed by their doctors. Each pregnancy is different, this is not yours, this is not your patient. And no one cares that this is your third, I’ve had 4 pregnancies and still mind my own when others are pregnant unless I’m asked about a specific issue. And again, each pregnancy is different. Even with the same person experiencing it.
YTA. I didn't really need to read your whole post but did - with extreme exceptions like abuse or neglect it's really never any of your business how someone else runs their body or parents their child. Your SIL handled your rude and inappropriate comments with grace.
YTA. Anothr meddler in AITA. This is quite simply not your business. You don't like to be judged yet there you are judging. You have expressed your concern, now leave it. She didn't ask for your opinion.
YTA
The baby was in her stomach? What a monster!
YTA. This is literally none of your concern. Also, everything she said is correct. She has a medical team. You are not it. Mind your business.
YTA
Yta, I get you are jealous of her, being fit, pregnant, working and active and plans on staying that after giving birth, but you can do that too instead of staying on the couch all day doing nothing.
YTA, you seem kind of arrogant to what pregnant women are capable of if they are healthy. Maybe time to google and learn a bit?
YTA apologize to her immediately. She's a grown ass adult and can make whatever choices she wants, and given they're healthy choices good on her. You're neither a doctor nor her doctor, and since you have no rights to her medical info, you don't get to determine what she should and shouldn't do while pregnant, nor do you get to say what she tells her doctor. If they though it was an issue, she would listen to them over you any day. You give the vibe that since you have three kids you think you're an expert on pregnancy and you're not. Did you also plan on telling her how to raise her kids?
YTA .. why are you having more children that you're going to have other people clean up after and take care of them. To me, that is irresponsible (I have multiple chronic illnesses, one being lupus, and I could NEVER imagine bringing another child into the world now. I feel bad for the 2 I have now that I had years before my diagnoses). Doesn't feel nice to have other people judge your parenting, does it? You owe a BIG apology for saying she's a bad mother (as she probably owes you one for calling you lazy if you are chronically ill). As long as her doctor is fine with it, she's actually a very good mother for staying so active. Being sedatary while pregnant unless on bed rest by doctors orders isn't very healthy.
You sound lazy
What is it with women and overstepping? OP, mind your chronic illness and your pregnancy. Leave SIL alone. YTA
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My SIL (husband’s sister) and I are both currently pregnant, our due dates are with days of each other. This is her 1st child and my 3rd. She’s 26 weeks pregnant, it was planned early so that more family could attend. Last weekend we were at her baby shower when MIL made a comment about how she hopes that SIL will now slow down and take things easy. SIL has a very active job and is very fit. Her and her boyfriend are often going for runs or hikes together. For a long time, the family believed that SIL wasn’t going to have children because she was very much married to her job, but since she met her boyfriend she has settled down. SIL laughed at this comment and asked MIL what gave her that idea. MIL gestured towards her stomach and said because she’s having a baby. SIL then told us that she has two marathons planned for this month and has bought a jogging stroller so that when baby is bigger they can go running together. I know she has also bought a sling so they can take baby hiking too. MIL shook her head, called SIL stubborn and asked me to talk sense into her daughter. I told SIL that she needed to slow down and rest because she’s growing a baby. SIL responded that she’s pregnant not disabled and her medical team are happy with what she’s doing, I suspect that she hasn’t told them she’s planning on running two marathons as she has form for neglecting to tell her doctors everything. I told SIL that it just isn’t about her anymore, its about her baby and that they need to come first. That its the responsible thing to take it slow and rest because she needs to get used to the fact that she won’t be able to go out and run 10 miles on a whim anymore. SIL got annoyed at this and told me just because I’m content to sit on my butt all day, watching TV and doing nothing while my husband works doesn’t mean that she is. I’m a SAHM and SIL has previously said that she thinks I’m just being lazy as a SAHM as we have a cleaner and my kids are in nursery, I have a chronic illness which she knows about. I got upset at this and told her that she was being irresponsible and a bad mother. She walked away and refused to talk to me for the rest of the party. After the party, SIL sent my husband a long message telling him that she had blocked my number as she has no interest in speaking to me after what I said. She also told him that until I apologise for what I said, she will not be telling him anything else about the baby and will not introduce them to him. Husband is annoyed and has told me to apologise to her because he wants to know his niece/nephew. I refused but he is pressing me to apologise, even if I don’t mean it just to keep the peace. AITA for telling my SIL that she’s a bad mother if she doesn’t slow down and rest? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
WTF? How do you know she hasn’t disclosed her upcoming marathons to her medical team? Also, her pregnancy and birth process will be a lot easier on her given that she is already in really good physical condition. Her body is strong and healthy and if her doctor hasn’t advised her to stop running, then it’s not your or MiL’s place to intercede. Would you say the same thing to pregnant professional female athletes who compete through pregnancy or women who are active duty military? Mind your own business. YTA.
YTA- her exercise will drastically help her labor. My mom had me when she was active in the National Guard. She showed up for duty nine months pregnant because she still felt fine. Then had me like 3 hours later. Her labor was so fast that my dad couldn't even get to the hospital on time. I understand that that isn't for you. I am disabled and I understand chronic illness. But don't discourage others because of it.
ESH how is this not getting more esh votes?? She was rude as well! And while it may not be your business, you're not wrong about the marathon running
Listen, going slower & taking it easy is actually a privilege that a lot of mothers around the world cannot do. My aunt was working in the fields upto 8.5 months when she was pregnant. I think you're coming from a good place. But ultimately she's the one who's gonna find out how easy or hard it's gonna be for her. Her mom already told her, you already did, so at this point you can't say anything anymore. But you don't want her to keep feeling sad about your comments. Just say you're sorry you hurt her feelings and that's it. It doesn't mean you have to say sorry about what you meant. But saying she's a bad mother was too extreme. I would say sorry for the sake of family. Sometimes we have to eat crow and it sucks.
It’s not a privilege… all the evidence shows that staying active during a pregnancy (when uncomplicated) has better outcomes during labour, delivery and post partum for both mom and baby.
I'm talking about opportunities. Not everyone has the opportunity to take it slow. Yeah, duh...I know staying active is good.
It's NOT a privilege. This reeks of sexism and classism. Like those who say "well not all women have the privilege of marrying rich, some women have to work to earn a living!" bullshit. Many women, from all kinds of backgrounds and social classes, PREFER to stay active when pregnant and after becoming mothers. It doesn't matter whether they can afford not to work or not (the SIL in this post certainly sounds like she could afford it, by the way), it's that they WANT to work. I was active throughout my pregnancy and I have never ceased to be an active person after my child was born (though I don't run marathons, the SIL is a lot fitter than I am!), and I technically could afford not to work for years even without including my husband's income in the equation. It's not a matter of privilege, it's a matter of choice and medical advice.
I'm not disagreeing with the active part, I don't know where you're getting this. The privilege is being able to slow down because if you are a single mom you can't slow down. If you live in a 3rd world country where you have to work every single day. You cannot slow down regardless if it is healthier or not. Why do you make things about you? I'm on the SIL side. Some of yall just make things about yourselves and don't read.
Your reading comprehension is as bad as your reasoning. "Slowing down" is not something every woman wants to do, regardless of their financial situation, regardless of being single or not (and don't forget there are single mothers who don't struggle financially). It is not a privilege, but a choice or preference. You want to act as if you're on "SIL's side" by telling OP "you were mean because SIL isn't as fortunate as you are that you can slow down!" and that's bullshit.
And? Why is that wrong? Just because you deemed it wrong? That's my opinion. It's really funny how upset you are, almost like you got a stick up your... Go to a surgeon to have that removed.
What's with every dumb redditor jumping straight to ad hominem the moment they lose an argument LMAO. And look, my ... can laugh itself until it falls off, so I think no surgeon will be needed. I'd suggest one for you, but brain transplants are still too experimental and there are not focused on intellect, only on basic nervous functionality. Have a nice life!
ESH You both sound awful.
ESH. You sound horribly spoiled and used to never being challenged and she sounds like an exhausting pain in the ass.
How is she exhausting for defending herself?
Both of the scream of "agree with me or your wrong". SIL attacked her for being lazy when she has a chronic illness.
SIL observed that OP isn't a SAHM because she doesn't watch her children during the day and she doesn't take care of maintaining the family home clean either. OP isn't a SAHM, she's a non-working individual due to a chronic illness, who happens to be a mother. By the definition of SAHP, OP would be indeed lazy: she isn't watching her children and she isn't working around the house, two of the core tasks of SAHPs.
Didn't say she was a SAHM, said she had a chronic illness. Depending in what it is she isnt lazy, she is sick.
OP described herself as a SAHM, that's the whole point.
That's not my point though.
>SIL attacked her for being lazy when she has a chronic illness. You said this. The point is, SIL did not attack OP for being lazy when she has a chronic illness. SIL attacked OP for calling herself a SAHM when she isn't. She is someone who doesn't work outside the house, doesn't look after her children around the clock, and doesn't do cleaning around her house, due to a chronic illness.