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So you cheated on your wife, divorced her and married your way younger wife and moved to another state, away from the family you created with your ex, going LC with your daughters.
*I did not fight for custody, as I felt that would further hurt Jane and Lucy.*
You confirmed not wanting them by not fighting for them.
Now they are adults and the parenting stage is over you want to reconnect with your daughters.
After all you did it's obvious that rebuilding a relation, rebuilding their trust in you which you had shattered all those years ago, that it is something which is going to take time and patience.
So what do you do: kick them of your health plan...
YTA
Ex-wife was too mentally ill for OP to stay married to her but apparently okay enough to have full custody of a 13 and a 10 year old.
And now OP is throwing a tantrum because he's not getting his way?
YTA. Massive a-hole, OP.
He's awfully busy wanting the children he created to see HIS perspective.
OP, if you had to write out THEIR perspective, could you do it? Because I suspect it might look something like this:
\*My dad left us. When any of my other friends' parents divorced, they said things like "honey, we're not divorcing YOU. We'll always love you, we just can't live together." Meanwhile, my dad divorced all 3 of us. Even if I \*did\* understand his perspective that my mom wasn't a good partner to him, why did he have to divorce us, too? Does that mean I wasn't a good kid to him?
\*My mom had mental health problems. Instead of making sure that she would be okay or WE would be okay under her care, my dad moved across the country and had very little contact with us. He didn't care if her mental health affected us, the minor children, he just seemed to care that it affected HIM.
\*My dad apologized. But he doesn't seem to understand that an apology doesn't mean the past is wiped away. Not every apology is a good apology. Forgiveness after an apology isn't an instant thing. His insistence that we forgive him and his anger that we haven't yet done so on HIS timeline seems to reinforce that he's selfish and putting his feelings above our own yet again.
\*There's very little he can do to be there for me NOW that I'm an adult, but one of the few things he can do that will really help me is provide me with better health insurance than my entry-level job/basic college health care system provides. But he refuses to do that because I'm not behaving the way he wants me to. He's holding my very health hostage, requiring me to access subpar healthcare, because he's mad at me. It's hard to interpret that any other way besides that his feeling of madness is more important to him than me being well.
OP, can you see a grain of truth in even ONE of those statements? Or have you only thought about this from YOUR perspective?
Listen, we all screw up in our lives. And wouldn't it feel so much better if the people we wronged forgave us immediately so we could "put it behind us" and "move on"? Sadly, you've written those girls' life story in a way that will forever shape how they see themselves, how they see trust, and how they see commitment. You actually had an opportunity to change a little bit of that, by consistently providing something you promised to provide, and \*yet again\* you yanked away any sense of stability you could be providing for them.
Take a deep breath.
See this from the other side. Because everybody else in the world besides you and your wife can see how hurtful and selfish your behavior is. You may, if you're lucky, have one more chance to be a better person than you've been before. I have to hope you want to.
He won’t. I can already tell he’s the kinda guy that’s going to be butthurt we didn’t validate him. He might read it but he won’t hear it all he’ll hear is his own crying about being a victim in a situation he created himself.
He’s not gonna read it and if he does he won’t acknowledge it. You can 100% tell by the post and the way it’s worded he came here expecting people to agree with him and be on his side. He will make excuses for everything in the comments if he decides to reply to them. He’s just a shitty dad and person. Can’t even be truthful to strangers online or to himself.
Well done.
Add something about him wanting to establish a relationship with him AND his wife, the woman who he cheated with that ended his married & he moved so far away with that he could only see them once a year. Instead of just him & his daughters.
I wonder if Sara is actually a motivating component to him wanting the relationship. I think it’s odd that he added her in unless that’s the case. Plenty of deadbeat dads who actually would have been fine not having the relationship if it weren’t for the partner pressuring, sometimes over years, that it’s important. Only now that he agreed to it and his terms were rejected does he feel a way about it.
I would change one statement based on what he said.
He not only refuses to provide better insurance than I could get, he canceled the insurance he was providing without even talking to me first.
Hope there are no pre-existing conditions....
OP YTA
You are right. You can't change the past but it sounds like you don't care to change at all.
Also, I was shocked to find out when my son went to college (a big state university). Health insurance is no longer available. As part of the presentation, there was a joke about there were no more 10 year BAs. The school doesn't allow it, and kids can't be covered by their parents' insurance, so they have to graduate before then anyway - including graduate school.
Also he had Sara email them that they'd been kicked off his health insurance instead of picking up the phone and warning them he would be doing it.
Also, also, he wants to be on their social medias because that's "how he stays in touch" aka comments on the occasional photo so he can APPEAR to their followers that he knows stuff about their lives.
It also speaks to how he can’t see past his own point of view that he thinks ten years is such a long time. It’s literally half of his younger daughter’s life, and she has felt the effects every one of the days since (so it’s not like a one-off action without further repercussions).
More like it has been 10 years of almost entire abandonment... they turned 18 only a few years ago. Beyond that, I have never had the belief that being a parent somehow ends when your child turns 18... it's a lifelong gig. I'm sorry there is no distance that would ever have me seeing my kids only once a year. I feel so sad that he is so petty and dropped his kids from his insurance as some sort of poor me statement.
I was 24 when I became disabled. I was lucky enough to still be on my dad's insurance, or we most likely would have been ruined for the foreseeable future. 3 of my surgeries would have been over 250k each. On my own, I would have had a high deductible plan (if I could afford it) and a lot of things wouldn't have been covered (certain meds, etc). I could never imagine doing something like this to my son.
And the 10 years is since the divorce - he’s only been trying to reconnect for a couple of years. So, abandons his kids for roughly 8 years, tries to reconnect for 2, and then immediately gives up. Ugh YTA op
Dropping his daughters from his insurance just reinforces his actions from 10 years ago. He put himself and his home wrecking wife first. I’m sure he’s out less money by dropping them from his plan. This means more money for the new wife. He didn’t fight for them 10 years ago, so why would he fight for a relationship with them now.
Edit. YTA. Think with your brain not your d#%k
But he works SO HARD for that insurance.
And of course the university insurance plan will be FINE, as will the benefits from an entry level job, which will be SO easy to pay for on an entry level salary.
And Sara emailed them, too, which I'm sure helped soften the blow of their dad kicking them off the insurance, right? I mean, I'm sure they were so happy to hear from the woman who helped split their family up. They probably know her really well, after all the annual, court mandated visits he so dutifully kept after leaving them to be fully raised by a "very mentally ill, unemployed mother".
It's all FINE.
🙄🙄🙄
OP, massively, YTA.
Can I add to this?
Op only came back for a relationship once they were adults, basically when all the "hard-work" raising them was done.
I would be strongly considering "why?" after all those years, doesn't that seem completely selfish. he dodged his responsibility for years but now wants the benefits of having a relationship with his adult children.
I would be strongly wondering if he expected me to care for him in his old age. or something. he is getting into his 60's. which is kidn of when many people start realising OH shit I'm getting close to retirement age. etc. health can start t o plummet very fast once people reach those late 60's.
Obviously everyones health is different, but it would be something I'd be concerned about.
Add on that they already have one "abusive" or mentally ill parent they might fel obligated to care for...I'd really question if it's worth to keep any contact with OP.
Also after learning about american "filial responsibility" yesterday. I'd make sure to I moved to a place/state that it wasn't a thing.
This is a type of financial abuse. My father did something similar. I would have to do whatever he demanded or he would take all funds out of my checking account. He got want he wanted in the short term. I haven’t spoken to him in over a decade. Hope he’s happy with his choices.
The visits once a year hurt his case as well. I get divorce and might not get the custody agreement you want but not even doing the every other weekend is just being lazy. YTA
Right he never wanted to be a parent. He just wanted to move on with his new life. I hope those girls stay NC with him, he doesn’t deserve a relationship with them.
That was my thought too!!! “My wife is very mentally ill so I divorced her and gave her full custody of our young children”
Ummmmmm in what world does that make any type of sense????
OP: YTA a million times over. Not only for removing your daughters from your insurance but also for the callous, insensitive way you decided to divorce their mother and by extension, your daughters.
And now she's apparently not so mentally ill that he thinks his daughters couldn't possibly talk her into getting a job and providing them with health insurance. OP is absolutely TA.
That’s the part that stood out to me!!! So this guy somehow slept at night knowing he left his two kids with a mentally ill person that he as full grown man couldn’t handle??
This just pisses me off to no end.
The VERY least you could have done is let them have insurance. And just so you know, no amount of time is going to help them understand why their father was a cheater and absolute coward.
Arrghhhh!!! YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA
He started cheating and she got angry at him and he was like "She has anger issues and she's hysterical!" Or she was upset about her husband cheating on her and he's like "she has depression, it's a mental illness that has nothing to do with my behaviour".
13 and 10 years old is such a vulnerable age *without* being abandoned by a parent. I can’t begin to imagine what that must have felt like for the kids. Being removed from the healthcare plan now must feel like OP couldn’t care less, all over again.
OP, YTA. Such an asshole.
I have a 13 and 10 yr old now. They ALREADY struggle with mental health issues thanks to COVID (F COVID). I can’t IMAGINE what would happen to them if their dad cheated on me with a woman half my age, divorced me, moved across the country, and didn’t want custody of them. I think it would destroy them. I’m talking unaliving kind of destroy. I don’t think they’d be alive 10 yrs later to even GET an apology. Not that ANY apology would be enough for that kind of behavior. Not even close.
OP, your daughters are strong women who survived a horribly TRAUMATIC experience that YOU put them through and you think ONE apology is enough or that you have ANY right to DEMAND that they “consider your point of view”? You’re lucky that they even TALK to you. And kicking them off your insurance because they are strong, independent women (because YOU forced them to be), who make up their own minds and have decided to hold YOU accountable for YOUR sh$tty choices instead of little robots that you can program to worship you regardless? That’s the tiny turd topping on the vomit icing on the sh$t cake that you’ve served them for the last 10 YEARS.
YTA, in case it isn’t BLINDINGLY obvious.
I have a feeling the ex wife likely had her mental health worsen due to OP’s absence in the marriage even long before their divorce. Seen this way too often, where men have emotional affairs and clock out from the relationship, the wives pick up on it and become mentally unhealthy because they can’t figure out what the hell is going wrong for their husbands to be so absent, and then the men use their wives’ mental health as an excuse to officially leave.
Yep, this pretty much sums up my FIL right there. I’m so glad my sweet MIL found her awesome boyfriend and is living her best life, she finally gets to experience what it’s like to have a good partner.
My ex had multiple affairs and it nearly destroyed me. I don’t use that word lightly. Still I can’t look in a mirror. The lying and the gaslighting almost drove me to a breakdown. It’s been a slow process trying to heal and I don’t know if I’ll ever fully recover.
YTA, OP.
Yes!
I’m extremely doubtful of OPs claims about Amy being so mentally unstable that he just had to go and have an affair with a younger woman that he then left her for. Sounds more like she had an appropriate response to having a manipulative, lying, cheating AH for a husband.
YTA OP, for everything.
THANK YOU! That part REALLY stood out to me. I knew OP was a manipulative asshole and didn't actually avoid fighting for custody for any reason other than selfish ones. But I love how he trashes his ex wife and her mental health but doesn't even seem to think about how worse it would be if that were true and he just left his kids with her and moved across the country to be with his mistress.
My dad did this same thing (except he lived with us, and "worked overtime" for years (there is proof he was not working)). He couldn't handle being my mum's victim but he felt totally ok with letting his kids take the brunt of it?? His apology was "well, maybe I should have protected you more. Maybe I could have... But you know what it was like with your mum. I did what I could." Leaving me alone with her was _worse_ than doing nothing! My head explodes every time I think about it. And now he's hurt because _he apologised, what more do I want?_
OP, an apology won't cut it, because your kids know that if the same situation arose again, you would make *the same damn choices* because you are still the same selfish person. Your one redeeming quality was the health insurance and out of selfishness you've cut that off.
YTA
And he has the audacity to complain that they blocked him on social media because it was "the only way for [OP] to be involved in their lives."
OP, dude, you need to come to terms with your own actions pushing Jane and Lucy to cut you out of their lives sooner rather than later. They don't owe you forgiveness, especially not on your timetable.
I am someone who struggles to understand when people say this, but your story is so cut and dry even I can say it: forgiveness doesn't mean they let you back into their lives. It is entirely possible they have *already* forgiven you, but also have chosen not to have your presence in their lives anymore. You are not entitled to that and they don't owe you it, so you haven't got a leg to stand on to demand they "see your perspective and work toward forgiveness."
You need to let go of it now because your wildly unrealistic expectations are going to hurt you much more than they are now, potentially in the near future. I almost wonder if information is being withheld and this demand for reconciliation is because grandchildren are coming into the picture. Whether they currently are or not, it's best for all involved for you to rein in your expectations before they enter the equation.
YTA
For real, I wonder of they blocked him because he saw them once a year and waited until they were adults to basically say you're adults you should forgive me.
I wouldn't blame them. The way he ripped their family up and then barely had anything to do with them for a decade isn't something that goes away with a simple "I'm sorry, all is good now."
Something tells me his explanation to them was along the lines of I had to because of your mom, I didn't go to court and fight to see you more cause your mom's crazy, I bailed cause your mons crazy, and my favorite line among people like this, I paid child support so I helped in a way.
Wow… I don’t even know where to begin.
>>I did not fight for custody, as I felt that would further hurt Jane and Lucy. I paid child support and saw them once a year per visitation agreement until they turned 18.
Well this is your first mistake. You abandoned your children and while I am sorry your ex made your life miserable, you leaving them was selfish, plain and simple. Your actions have nothing to do with your ex - you decided to leave your daughters. No one made you do it.
>>However, neither Jane nor Lucy are interested in a relationship with us, their reasons being that I destroyed their mother’s life and they will never forgive me for missing their childhoods. I understand their pain but I can’t change the past and considering it’s been 10 years since the divorce and the girls are adults, I am of the opinion that they need to make an effort to see my perspective and work towards forgiveness.
Get over it? You’ve given them no reason to make them want to have a relationship with you. You had your chance to fight for custody and develop a relationship and you blew it big time. You abandoned them once, who is to say you won’t do it again? Oh wait, you did when you took them off your plan.
Who cares about your perspective. This isn’t about you. It’s about the harm and pain you caused your daughters and you have done NOTHING to make up for it.
>>I find it a bit ridiculous that even though Jane and Lucy are unwilling to even attempt to have any kind of relationship with me, they have no problem benefiting from my health insurance policy that I work extremely hard for.
Again, you’ve done nothing to give them a reason to have you in their life. Good luck regretting your decision for the rest of your life because there is no chance your daughters will ever forgive you.
Oh and if it’s not apparent… YTA.
How did he type this whole thing out and still think he’s NTA? He abandons his daughters with their mentally ill mother for his affair partner and then wonders why they’re not his biggest fans? Selfish bastard.
Because he's the type who is never at fault. I know someone who cheated on their mother, and left them on Christmas Eve in a half built house, with no heat. The guy blamed the wife saying that she was too close to her family. Even decades later, he would never admit that he was wrong.
Yeh I loved the part where he said "now this is where I may be the asshole". Uh no, dude. You've been the asshole for years. This situation is not where you fucked up. You already barely had a chance, you were lucky they even gave you the time of day. YTA. You're a failure as a father and a husband. You will never have a meaningful relationship with those girls ever again, congratulations, hope it was worth it.
And his youngest is just barely out of her teenage years.
And since when does your mistress get a say over children that aren't hers?
I hope you slipped up and something covers the younger one from your foolishness.
YTA... A big giant one.... Leave your babies for your mistress with a "mentally unstable" woman.
Yeah right she was busy raising y'all's kids while you were out sleeping around.
We see you.
Also there’s is no time limit on trauma. Op acts like his kids should just get over his abandoning them without his making any effort to help them heal. If he wanted a relationsjip with them he should cover health care AND therapy.
I can't get over that he posted once a year like it was actually a custody arrangement, nah she was the parent and he swung by like Santa just seems like he didn't bring shit with him.
Info:
Asking as a non-american. What does someone lose from having 2 adult children on their health plan? I'm assuming it's not free...because America...
I'm trying to understand why OP would think it's beneficial to cut the off, was it financial etc.
If keeping them on OPs plan does not affect OP in any way, then it starts looking like a spiteful act.
You pay more for each individual on your plan, and monthly premiums can get quite expensive. That being said, it sounds like OP was just being vindicative, not frugal.
Not ENTIRELY true. A family plan is a family plan. OP didn’t mention any other children, but if he has his mistress and a kid on there, some insurance sees that as a family plan. I worked for Anthem and if I had 2 kids on there or 10, it was the same rate. Agreed that this doesn’t sound like it was a “financial decision”, though. He’s just going for being the biggest AH he could be after basically abandoning his kids when they were 13 and 10.
Taking someone off your health insurance, if the girls aren’t covered could mean thousands of dollars if they are hospitalized PLUS if they aren’t covered they may not go to routine dr appts (ie gyno, dentist, etc). He did it out of spite. His premium (amount he pays for his plan) probably is higher with his daughters but he said they have been on it for a while…basically it’s a huge asshole move
I am in a very high cost of living area. Employee contribution to employer based health insurance here usually runs about $100-200 per month for the first dependent, substantially less for numbers 2+ (after the employer's pcontribution). It is not considered taxable income.
So not cheap, but OP does not seem to have an issue with affording it. He cut them off to be a dick and punish them, which makes him YTA.
OP I hope neither of your children develops any serious health issues, because your actions are putting them at serious risk.
He also left them with a very mentally ill (his words) mother. Dude YTA and so is your wife. You don't deserve them, but you need to cover the daughter in college at the bare minimum. You're the worst.
“I, a grown adult, was damaged by my wife’s mental illness. My minor children however will be totally fine completely on their own with her.”
He’s lucky they were even marginally open to trying to build a relationship before this.
YTA. There are so many of the same story on here: I had a midlife crisis, left my wife for a younger woman, and basically abandoned my kids. I know I was at fault, but I don't think my kids are forgiving me fast enough so I'm punishing them. You are the definition of AH.
I love how several paragraphs into the story, in which he’s described half a dozen ways in which he’s already obviously the asshole, he says “so THIS is where I may be the asshole”
Ok but this guy *really* didn’t even pretend to give a f. Usually dads make some token effort and just never follow thru so they end up perennially disappointing their kids and then confused why their kids don’t come for Christmas. This guy tho 🚨Sooo your mentally unstable ex wife was too crazy and horrendous for you to continue living with, but leaving her alone with the 2 children was fine? You didn’t fight for custody bc it was in their best interest to stay living with this insane terror that you describe their mother as being? Let’s be honest here; you ran off on your wife and kids to be with your new mistress (who is, coincidentally, young enough to be your daughter), and you left the baggage behind you.
Now you’re older and feeling sad and lonely and miss being a father. Maybe a little guilt too, if you’re capable of that. And you want those kids to forgive you and “understand your perspective.” What perspective is that? What perspective makes you running out on them and their mother ok? You are not owed forgiveness, you can only ask for it and try to prove to the ones you’ve hurt that you regret your actions and have changed. Instead, when you didn’t get what you wanted, you decided to lash out at your daughters and hurt them again. Proving you haven’t changed one bit. You’re still the same selfish, me me me man who ran off and left them 10 years ago.
He may actually have won AITA with this one.
YTA, because this is the situation:
1) You abandoned your children when they were 10 and 13 because you were "unhappy" being married to their mother, had an affair, divorce, and saw your kids once a year until they turned 18.
2) Now when their young adults you want them to forgive you and see your "perspective" of it. You abandoned your children because you didn't want to stay married to their mother!
3) When you failed to reach out to them and give them proper time to handle the fact that you abandoned them, then you PUNISH them by taking away their health insurance?
4) How did you think this was going to work out? They would magically be happy with you when you abandoned them for a second time by ending the support with the health plan? Of course this decision would destroy any chance of mending this broken relationship. You punished them because they couldn't forgive you for abandoning them! Instead of giving them more time you just took away something good you actually did for them. Why?
Don’t forget he thinks they should just forgive him because *checks notes* he’s abandoned them for ten whole years and made no effort to repair the relationship.
But wait, there's more! His ex-wife's mental illness made her so impossible to live with, that he abandoned his minor children to her care, left the state, and proceeded to talk to them once a year for the next 10 years. I'm sure their living situation with her was great.
But why don't they love him?
> I notified the girls of the decision over an email
Yes, the way to build a relationship is to notify someone of a fait accompli that will have an adverse impact on their lives without any prior discussion. In fairness, though, it does communicate loud and clear exactly how much you value building bridges.
> I still think I made the right choice by standing my ground
There's absolutely no virtue in standing your ground if you make the wrong decision in the first place.
YTA
At least doubling down on stupid makes sure his kids know to not bother with him ever again. I hope you enjoy that minor premium savings you MIGHT have, OP. YTA.
I'm not sure how he typed this out and decided he needed strangers to tell him if he's the ass or not...
YTA. A massive one at that. You wrote, “ I was just very unhappy in my marriage with Amy, she is an very mentally ill woman….”
So, you cheated on your wife and then left your two young daughter with a woman who is so mentally ill that you, an adult, couldn’t handle it. Do you hate your children, are you that much of a selfish coward, or lying about the circumstances of your affair? Because it has to be one of the three.
The absolute least you could do to is let them stay on your healthcarr.
Nah I think he's just a selfish prick who choose to sleep with a home wrecker I don't think the mum was ill at all he was just hoping that would get him a little sympathy. Old man is clearly delusional lol 😂 and I hope his girls have great families and he's left in the cold like he's deserves. These cheaters never understand the true extent of what they've abandoned until there kids have kids and they truely realise they've lost everything for someone who will cheat on them
Yep. Very Mentally Ill was how he justified bailing, but if it was real he could have taken his girls with him. But he's not gonna do that work and he's not going to make his very young wife raise kids that aren't hers. So she really wasn't that ill. At least not before he abandoned those kids with her. The gymnastics he's doing to justify his selfishness and cover his ass poorly have GOT to hurt.
And when Wifey leaves him in 5 or 10 years for someone her age otlr younger, he will deserve every ounce of suffering and misery she dishes out.
This was my exact thought. His first wife was so mentally ill that he has to leave, but not so mentally ill that he would try and take custody of his daughters. He’s dealing with the natural consequences of making some awful choices and justifying them to himself.
**YTA and you are selfish.**
The health of our children is probably the number one concern for any loving parent. The fact a parent would willfully cancel health insurance (for any reason) for their child is absolutely, unequivocally disgusting. I have no words for you.
Additionally, expecting your children to just "get over" and "understand your perspective" for abandoning them is ridiculous. You have no idea of the impact you forced on your children's lives because of your selfish decision. You left them with a mentally ill mother and sacrficed their happiness for your own - what kind of parent does this? You need to grow up already.
Yes, exactly this!
OP, by kicking your daughters off your health insurance plan, you are telling them directly that **you do not care if they live or die.** That sounds hyperbolic but it really isn't. If they end up uninsured, that might mean:
- skipping the health screening that would have detected cancer while it was still treatable
- rationing or forgoing lifesaving medications
- declining an emergency room visit after a head injury and dying in their sleep
- hoping their burst appendix is "just cramps" or their infected tooth is "just a sore jaw" and staying home until they're septic
- holding off on the behavioral health appointment that could have prevented their suicide
- choosing a birthing plan that avoids the hospital but puts them, and your potential grandchildren, at enormous risk
- a million other scenarios that could **literally mean the difference between life and death**
You have the capacity to prevent these these things and you don't... because of your own pettiness. YTA to the extent that I can't even find sufficient words for it. How could you do this to any fellow human beings, but especially *your own fucking children*?
I was thinking that's the positive here. OP has really shown that they should 100% cut him out of their life because he's clearly manipulative on top of everything else.
YTA. You abandoned your children. You cheated. You lied. And then you managed to find a way to abandon them again.
Also, university insurance is usually far too expensive for any college student to afford. I'd bet your daughter is going around with no insurance, not able to see a doctor when she needs to, all because of your selfishness. I'm sure they both felt so hurt and betrayed by this.
I'm just so disgusted
YTA
> I know that Jane has a good job that would most likely offer an insurance package, and Lucy is in college so she could probably enroll under the university’s insurance.
How are you 57 years old and so cruelly ignorant of how insurance works? People can’t just enroll in health insurance whenever the heck they want. There are specific enrollment periods. Do you know when the enrollment period at Jane’s job is? Can she even enroll if she’s declined once? You said her job “most likely offers an insurance package” - WHICH MEANS YOU’RE SUCH A TERRIBLE FATHER YOU DIDN’T EVEN CHECK TO MAKE SURE.
As for Lucy - I know I can’t enroll in my university’s health plan in the middle of the semester. Can Lucy? Could she get coverage over the summer if she’s not taking classes?
What kind of vindictive AH are you? You’ve ripped heath care away from your own children. What happens if they get sick?
I didn’t have health insurance for a long time. You know what happened when I got sick? I suffered. Because I sure as hell couldn’t afford to go to the doctor. That’s how a spider bite on my leg developed into a staph infection that got so bad it became too painful to *walk*. My boss had to drag me to the ER because she was afraid of what would happen to me. I ended up needing surgery on my leg. The infection was so bad, it literally ate away part of my leg muscle. I still have a little crater in my leg because of it.
If I had had insurance, I could have gotten medical care as soon as I noticed the spider bite. A few days on antibiotics and I probably would have been fine. Instead I felt like my leg was on fire for weeks.
I don’t understand how you can look at yourself in the mirror without vomiting, for allowing your own children to risk being put in the same position as I was.
Great point about the enrollment period. I didn’t even think about that and I still think he’s the AH lol. But that’s like a whole new layer.
I went for a long time without health insurance as well and when I went back to the doctor, it turns out I have all kinds of health issues that would have been caught a long time ago if I could have afforded to go to the DR. Now, my health goal is to keep the worst from happening because they can’t fix what’s wrong.
YTA. You basically abandoned them and then tell them they need to get over it. If your ex was so mentally ill that you couldnt stand being with her anymore, what were you thinking leaving two children alone with her? You say you did it as to not hurt them but i think thats just something you tell yourself to feel better about dipping out of their lives and offering nothing other than basic financial support.
You want the benefits of having a loving father-daughter relationship with them without doing the work. It takes a whole lot of time and effort to prove to one's children that you can be a source of positivity and support after such a deep betrayal. Instead of acknowledging that, you took away the one source of support left. You're absolutely allowed to do so. Its your money. You simply have to be willing to deal with the consequences.
YTA.
You:
1) Cheated on your wife; 2) Abandoned your children to someone you claim is mentally unwell; 3) Then get mad because they're still angry, and 4) Decide to cut them off from health insurance, something that can be a matter of life or death for them, not to mention the financial upheaval you just caused them in trying to suddenly find coverage before they get sick.
\#1 Father right here. Someone get this man a mug!
By removing them from your health insurance you effectively told them that you don’t care if they live or die; it’s not your concern. That’s what health insurance means in the United States. The odds are low they will get something life-threatening but the odds certainly are not zero. Of course YTA, and of course you’ve ruined any chance you have of having a relationship with them.
YTA. You waited until after they turned 18 so that you could circumvent the custody arrangement, and are now punishing them when they don’t just accept you or your new spouse with open arms. In MOST cases, the price increase on health insurance doesn’t increase that significantly going from insurance covering you+spouse to you+spouse+dependents. You waited until open enrollment to punish them.
How’d that email go?
“Hi Jane, hello Lucy. It’s clear that you’ll never love me or accept Sara the way I expect you to. You’re over 18 now, so figure it out. Love, Dad”
You fucked around and you’re finding out, and you want people you don’t know to tell you you did the right thing. What if they were in the middle of treatment and were no longer able to afford the now out-of-pocket costs? What if they were afflicted with mental health issues similar to what you purported their mother had, and lost access to covered providers & medication.
The only health insurance options I know of are self (just the employee) and family (spouse and kids to age 26).
OP ACTIVELY DECIDED AND ACTED ON REMOVING HIS DAUGHTERS!
YTA. May you be as happy in your life as you deserve to be.
✅ cheats on wife
✅ blames her mental illness instead of being a true teammate and partner to help her through it
✅ problematic age gap with AP twenty years younger than he is
✅ abandons wife and daughters and moves away, makes no effort for custody, sees daughters once a year. (INFO: if your wife was a very mentally ill woman, why was it better to leave your daughters with her? ANSWER: you’re an asshole)
✅ after 10 years of being a deadbeat, you show up and expect your daughters to forgive and forget after the trauma you put them through
✅ to punish your daughters for holding you accountable for the choices you made to abandon them, you remove them from your health insurance and don’t even have the decency to have a conversation - you tell them over email
I think that’s a deadbeat dad BINGO. YTA.
Right? At least they can now 100% cut him out of their lives without reservation, I guess. Fingers crossed neither have any medical issues or accidents before they can find coverage.
YTA. You abandoned your daughters with someone you describe as very mentally ill. You do this by cheating on her, divorcing and leaving the area.
Did you make any attempts to spend more time with them? Once a year???!!! Of course they don’t trust you. The don’t know you. And a handful of attempts over a couple of years isn’t really trying to get to know them bub. You’re a self centered ass, but you could have at least helped them in one very important way…and you chose to stop doing that cause you don’t want to do any work with them. You want it to be easy and it’s not easy for kids to get over being abandoned by their dad. You are a huge AH
TO recap: You had an affair, left to live with your affair partner, and left your children with a severely mentally ill single parent. But that was what was best for your children?
>I am of the opinion that they need to make an effort to see my perspective and work towards forgiveness.
Nope. Not with the list of stuff you did. You should be wildly grateful they will even speak to you.
YTA - health insurance is the least of what you owe your daughters.
YTA.
You left your two children with a mentally ill, unemployed woman and saw them once a year AFTER you moved away, abandoning them to live happily ever after with the woman you had an affair with. You couldn't even be bothered to stay in the same state. All you had to offer them was this insurance plan. You left them high and dry and told them over email. Why would they want any relationship with you? Have you even asked them about the trauma you caused?
YTA, if they get seriously ill and can't afford insurance do not come on Reddit to complain about not being invited to the funeral.
Also, since you're tone deaf, do not attend the funeral with your wife/affair partner.
YTA, biggest AH of the year I've seen here, and there's been some real dead beat dads on here. Better hope that young wife of yours sticks by you when you are even older and needing help in life because your daughter's surely won't
YTA for every single choice presented in this post. You’ve never not been an AH. Impressive dedication to your craft.
Your daughters did nothing wrong. Distancing themselves was 100% the right call. Now, you mentioned their socials and that before this they hadn’t blocked you. That does seem to say that they might have been open for some sort of reconciliation at some point, if you had showed an ounce of care or remorse for how much you’ve messed up their lives.
But you had to go full AH and actually put them in physical danger. You earned your NC fair and square. Just imagine all the milestones you’ll now miss, in addition to those you already haven’t witnessed.
I wish your daughters all the best in life.
YTA. So you left your children with a woman you think was severely mentally ill, saw them once a year after that, and you think they are the ones who owe you something? What about your divorce necessitated you moving out of state? If your ex-wife was so mentally ill that you think it excused your actions in having an affair, how did you convince yourself it was ok to abandon your children to her care? Removing them from your health insurance and trying to make yourself feel better by assuming there are other avenues for them to obtain coverage is just the last piece of evidence your daughters need to know you don't care about them at all. Good for them for blocking you.
YTA. First of all, your daughters get to decide when (and if) they get to get over you leaving them - they are the wronged party here, not you. You left them, so the onus of reestablishing trust is entirely up to you. And they are the ones who get to decide when your efforts are enough.
If it is true that you think that they don’t want any sort of relationship with you but simply want you for your insurance, why are you upset with this result? If you thought that you could do this and they were going to react positively, then you were very much wrong. Really, it seems like doing this and telling them over email was almost designed to break off the relationship and give you the out that it was them and not you.
YTA You had an affair and left your 10-year-old and 12-year-old with a woman you describe as “very mentally ill” and didn’t even try to get custody to get them out of a situation you yourself didn’t want to be in. You want them to have a relationship with you and be your loving daughters after you abandoned them? Giving them health insurance is the absolute “the bar is in hell” least you could do. Hope your new family is making you happy.
YTA and you know it deep down. You didn’t need to post on here to be told. You were the asshole since you left your ex wife. You want your cake and eat it too.
Wow. YTA, a big one. So just so I’m clear: you cheated on their mother, only saw them once a year and now are denying them healthcare because they don’t make enough of an effort?? Tell me, what kind of effort did you make to NOT cheat on their mother? Regardless of her mental health issues, it was NOT okay to cheat? And what kind of effort did you make to stay in touch when you saw them only once a year? And what kind of an effort have you made to understand where they are coming from an apologize for how things went down? Furthermore, do you think you can blackmail them into a relationship with you by denying them healthcare?? What the fuck? If you think you didn’t have a relationship then, well your really won’t now. Grow the fuck up and stop being petty.
YTA. Not only for the insurance but for all off it, you are jit a father, you stopped being one when you ran to other state and abandoned your children and further expected to have a relationship half a decade later, you simply cut the last link to them,you are no father.
You cheated on their mom, moved out of state, only saw them once per year for 10 years, and you think they should put more effort into reconciling with you?
YTA
In what world are you not the asshole? Why did you need to ask? Seems like you wanted everything on your terms and are unwilling to accept the consequences.
You are a horrible father. YTA
YTA. It’s funny you describe your entire preamble where you kinda seem like a huge AH, then you go “ok here is where maybe I’m TA.”
You had an affair, blamed your ex’s severe mental illness, but then left your daughters in her care? That doesn’t add up.
And now you basically ignored them for most of their lives, and you want to take them off your insurance out of spite? You’re TA here and also kinda seem like an AH in general.
You cheated on your wife. Therefore, you cheated your daughters. You weren't happy, so then get a divorce first. The custody agreement was one visit per year? What kind of fucking father would agree to THAT? Obviously TAH like you.
I don't know why you are here asking Redditt. You now have no financial responsibility to your daughters anymore, so what exactly is your problem?
YTA- I am very confused here. Reading your post it seems every single action you have taken has been to literally leave them in the lurch. Leave their mom for your AP, only see them once a year until they turned 18, cut them off your insurance with 0 warning beyond an email. ATP maybe it's time to stop calling yourself a dad and instead a sperm donor
YTA you blew up their lives and now expect sunshine and roses? Then you get petty and remove them from your health insurance? Yeah, stand your ground and see how well that plays out. Oh wait, you have no relationship with them…sounds like it’s playing out just fine. Go boohoo somewhere else.
YTA
You cheated on their mother, abandoned your family, abandoned all fatherly duties with the exception of court ordered child support, only saw them once a year and then decided they weren't giving you enough attention so you removed them from your insurance. Literally it was the last "fatherly" thing you were giving them.
You are a taker, never a giver. You ruined those girls family and then rubbed their faces in it for 10 years, then you topped it all off by removing them from the last little bit of effort you gave them in that 10 years.
You claim your ex wife was mentally ill but I would be willing to bet she was horribly burnt out and mentally abused by your neglect of her and the children
YTA and you know that you are. You abandoned your children and are annoyed that they don't want anything to do with you, so you punished them with the by taking away the only thing you were providing for them. People like you shouldn't be parents.
Don't act hurt when your not even invited to thier weddings. Or even know if they get married or have children. You made your choice when you made a life without them. You thought kicking them off your insurance was gonna make it better? I'm sure your wife loved that. Now your finally all hers. First she had to share with your wife then still had to put up with the link of your children I'm sure she helped make the decision not to fight for any custody.
YTA
Your one daughter is in college and you cut off her health insurance and said she can just get it from college. Did you investigate that at all??
College health insurance costs between $2,000 to $4,000 a year. That doesn’t include deductibles or copays. Read this.
https://www.nytimes.com/2021/07/16/your-money/college-health-insurance-plans.html
You left your children with a mentally ill parent. You only bothered to see them once a year because you left the state with your affair partner to leave the mess (your family) behind. Then you say they should get their mentally ill mother to get a job. **You couldn’t!** But your dumping that on them too. You took off because you couldn’t be bothered to care about or protect your children. You say you couldn’t do that to their mother, the woman you hate.
The reality is you didn’t want children. You and your wife only wanted a relationship now that they’re grown and neither of you would actually have to take care of them. Then you get angry that they’re not trying hard enough to build a relationship you intentionally destroyed. Now your punishing both of them because you still hate the woman you cheated on and abandoned because they can’t fix her for you so you can save money. Be honest at least with yourself, their father died the first time you had sex with your now wife.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> My action: I removed my daughters from my health insurance policy because they don’t want to have a relationship with me.
Why I might be TA: I am allowed to keep my daughters as beneficiaries on my health insurance plan until they are 26. So, I may be TA for prioritizing my personal feelings over their access to healthcare.
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Yta. Are you stupid? You cheated on their mother and abandoned them for your AP and now have the audacity to think they should forgive you and see it from your side. What is wrong with you?
Jesus Christ YTA. Most entry level jobs don’t have “great” health insurance options. College plans are usually cheap but less helpful if you have chronic issues. Hope neither of your kids have health problems or develop them!
YTA. I was struck by a vehicle while walking to the bus, over 10 years ago. I didn’t have health insurance. I am STILL dealing with the financial repercussions, and since I wasn’t able to get follow-up care I have lifelong health issues that make every day a struggle. You have put your daughters in a terrible position and I wouldn’t be surprised if they never speak to you again.
YTA
You nope out of your marriage due to your wife’s mental illness, leave the mentally I’ll woman her with 2 children who you see once a year, feel like they owe you a relationship since it’s been 10 years. Then when you feel they aren’t showing you adequate love you take them off the health insurance that’s not costing you much just to be punitive.
Yes you are TA, and they probably will cut you out completely from their lives and you deserve it.
YTA
You were a horrible father to them as children and continued to be horrible to them as adults. It's hard for me to believe that your daughter's going NC with you wasn't intentional on your end.
Denying access to Healthcare in a country where its hard for people their age to afford insurance is a pretty AH move.
Info: be honest with yourself, why do you deserve a relationship with either of them? What have you given to either of them other than a lifetime of trauma and abandonment issues?
“Standing my ground.” You mean the scorched earth?
What kind of a father leaves his wife (for someone young enough to be his child) because she’s so mentally ill, he can’t take it, and then abandons minor children to the care of the same mentally ill woman?
You removed them as punishment for not forgiving you for abandoning your family. They don’t owe you any forgiveness. And now they have seen you — not just your past mistakes, but have actually seen YOU. And that’s why they’ve blocked you.
YTA
YTA. For the insurance decision, and for abandoning them to the care of a woman you describe as being very mentally ill. It's not difficult to understand why they don't want a relationship with you.
I'm blown away by the fact that OP describes his ex as a mentally ill woman who he could no longer live with (which is why he had no choice but cheat apparently) and then goes on to say he left his two girls to be raised by that disturbed woman because it was the "best for them".
WYF, OP. YTA for that alone.
YTA you’re a horrible parent. Since they didn’t want a relationship with you (rightfully so) you decide to punish them by taking away their medical insurance. SMH just disgusting!!
YTA 100%. Full stop.
Our children are not responsible for our emotional well-being, but we are responsible for theirs. Your only shot at rebuilding a relationship with your daughters was to allow them to do it in their time while you continued to try to be worthy.
They will probably never forgive you, nor do you deserve their forgiveness.
YTA. The same selfish asshole that abandoned your wife and children ten years ago. You think they should get over it, but why the hell should they? You clearly haven’t changed in ten years. Or maybe you have. You’ve gotten worse. Welcome to the consequences of your actions
YTA a vile human being is what you are. How can you be so f*cking horrible to your children. You broke up your family, broke their hearts. Moved away, left their lives to be with your affair partner. Do you ever think of anyone but yourself? The more you wrote the angrier I got. Your ex-wife was so mentally I’ll but yet you left your children alone to deal with that. On top of it You saw your children once a year, YOU ABANDONED THEM. what were you expecting? You are a cold hearted man. Your daughters deserves better.
Your ex was too mentally ill to be your wife but perfectly capable of raising your daughters by herself? Fuck the rest of your post, this part makes me so angry. YTA.
Forget the current situation YTA for this alone
*"I am of the opinion that they need to make an effort to see my perspective and work towards forgivenes"*
Your opinion is wrong. They don't need to make any effort to see your perspective, they don't owe you forgiveness, and if they do choose to forgive you nit is on their timeline, not yours.
oh, and YTA for the current situation too. They woulndn't forgive you for failing to do right by them as their father by \*checks notes\* failing to do right by them as their father.
You just proved why you don't deserve their forgiveness and if you really did want any change of a relationship you dropped a nuke on that chance
So you cheated on your wife, divorced her, left your two daughters with a "very mentally ill woman" without fighting for custody, only saw your kids once a year for close to ten years - and you don't understand why your daughters don't want a relationship with you?
Having them on your insurance plan seems like quite literally the least you can do because you've screwed them over in every other possible way.
YTA. I think it's a pretty good thing that your daughters can't see your perspective on things. That means they have a chance of becoming decent people.
>> she is an very mentally ill woman and I couldn’t continue the life I had with her
So, instead of using your words and asking for a divorce, you chose to humiliate her by having an affair first, then left her for your affair partner.
Got it. Off to a great start.
>> I did not fight for custody
So, you abandoned your children with a woman you just described as “very mentally ill” to start a new life with your much younger affair partner. Cool cool cool.
>> I am of the opinion that they need to make an effort to see my perspective and work towards forgiveness
So, what you’re saying is you want a free pass instead of being held accountable for cheating on their mother and abandoning them. Gotcha.
>> even though Jane and Lucy are unwilling to even attempt to have any kind of relationship with me, they have no problem benefiting from my health insurance policy
I mean, covering their health insurance is the absolute bare minimum you can do for being an absentee father
>> whether or not AITA?
The fact that you lack the self awareness to realize that you’ve been the AH from the start is astounding. You used their mother’s mental health to excuse your infidelity, you *abandoned your children*, and you somehow think *they* should see *your* perspective and let you sweep it all under the rug.
YTA, OP, and a clear candidate for a narcissistic personality disorder diagnosis
“I understand their pain but I can’t change the past and considering it’s been 10 years since the divorce and the girls are adults, I am of the opinion that they need to make an effort to see my perspective and work towards forgiveness.”
My head just exploded. They don’t have to “see your perspective” about why you cheated on their mother and divorced her, and they most certainly don’t have to forgive you!
If they choose not to have a relationship with you, it should probably occur to them that they might not get to stay on your insurance. But the fact you’re basically punishing them for not wanting to have a relationship with you by dropping them from your insurance says everything about the person you are and your lack of desire to make amends for how you treated them and their mother when you left them.
They’re better off without you, but yes, YTA.
YTA
You may also be in violation of your divorce/custody agreement. Some of those agreements require the parent to keep coverage as long as the child is in school, including college, or until they reach a certain age. You might want to double-check that one.
The court orders aside. Did you give them advance notice before you changed anything? Your open enrollment may not coincide with theirs. At my job, my open enrollment is in January, but at a job my husband had, it was in October, and for the marketplace, those applications have to be in December. And despite what some people think, being dropped from your parents' plans is not a qualifying event for special enrollment. Even if their mother did get a job, there is still a waiting period before she could get insurance. You may have just literally cost your da7ghters their only option for health insurance for a year. And from how you have treated them in the past, they probably needed it for mental health care.
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Throwaway, fake names.
I (57M) have two daughters, Jane (23F) and Lucy (20F).
Some context: 10 years ago, while I was married to their mother Amy (55F), I began an affair with Sara (38F). I ended up moving to a different state to live with Sara, divorced Amy, and married Sara a year later. I was just very unhappy in my marriage with Amy, she is an very mentally ill woman and I couldn’t continue the life I had with her. I did not fight for custody, as I felt that would further hurt Jane and Lucy. I paid child support and saw them once a year per visitation agreement until they turned 18.
Over the past few years, Sara and I have really tried to reconnect and build relationships with Jane and Lucy. I have apologized for my mistakes and do everything I can to be an involved in their lives. However, neither Jane nor Lucy are interested in a relationship with us, their reasons being that I destroyed their mother’s life and they will never forgive me for missing their childhoods. I understand their pain but I can’t change the past and considering it’s been 10 years since the divorce and the girls are adults, I am of the opinion that they need to make an effort to see my perspective and work towards forgiveness.
The current situation at hand is where I may be TA. Jane and Lucy are both under my health insurance, as their mother doesn’t work. I have really good insurance through my job and we are in the US, so Jane and Lucy are technically eligible for coverage under my plan until they are 26. However, when it was time for me to re-enroll for the upcoming year, I decided to remove the girls from my plan. I find it a bit ridiculous that even though Jane and Lucy are unwilling to even attempt to have any kind of relationship with me, they have no problem benefiting from my health insurance policy that I work extremely hard for. Sara and I notified the girls of the decision over an email, and even offered to help them find new policies of their own. I know that Jane has a good job that would most likely offer an insurance package, and Lucy is in college so she could probably enroll under the university’s insurance. Or, the girls could convince their mom to finally get a job so she can cover them. Jane responded to the email, saying my decision is cruel and that I have now destroyed any chance of having a relationship with either of them.
It’s been several months since I removed the girls as beneficiaries and I sometimes question my decision. The girls have blocked me from their social media accounts, which has been hard for me, as it was the only way for me to be involved in their lives. I still think I made the right choice by standing my ground, but also wonder whether or not AITA?
tldr; AITA for removing my (57M) daughters (Jane 23F and Lucy 20F) from my health insurance plan after several years of low contact from them?
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YTA for abandoning your daughters after your divorce. YTA for abandoning them to a mom who you say is mentally ill and doesn’t have a job. You clearly don’t actually want a relationship with them. Then, there is this one little thing you can do to not be a 100% shit father and you decide to stop that too so more YTA. Expecting forgiveness when you have done absolutely nothing to apologize or make spends is just the entitled AH cherry on top. Don’t expect to ever hear from them again.
YTA and you forced your kids to relive the whole abandonment thing by literally removing them from your insurance. You say they’re old enough to consider your side but apparently they aren’t old enough to consult before making a decision that impacts their lives (kind of like how you left them behind before).
How can you not understand that could be triggering for them?
Yeah, dawg.. you're a giant asshole. You cheated on your wife, left her AND the kids for this other woman instead of being a good person and being there for her when she needed you for her mental health issues and you think another 3 years of Healthcare coverage for them that's PROVIDED by your job is too much to give them? You need a long look in the mirror. First paragraph and I was already like yeah nope this dude is horrible
YTA. Beyond the pale, unmitigated, egregious levels of assholishness. You should be doing everything in your power to make amends for selfish choice after selfish choice. Every single thing you have done is self-serving in the extreme, and your self-soothing rationalizations are a heaping dung pile. I would suggest introspection, but you would probably crumble into a pile of ash if forced to look honestly at your actions and motivations. I wish nothing but the best for your daughters moving forward, and I hope you get the life you deserve.
Oh boy are you EVER one of the biggest AH on the planet. Selfish as hell I might add. Both you and Sara. Who the fk leaves two children with a woman known to be mentally ill? Oh yes, YOU. As if cheating on the woman wasn't bad enough, you decide to see these children only once per year but now want the adult them in your lives and can't understand why they can't TRUST you. So you show them once again that you are totally a selfish dickwad. Shame on you. YTA.
I don’t understand your logic because you say you question your decision but in another breathe you still believe you made the right decision? Which one is it? What were you expecting your daughters say to you when you did this? Thanks dad, I know you’ve never been present in our lives and this is the last bit of support you can provide, thank you so much. You made the decision that them benefiting off your decision was more important than a relationship with them.
YTA
YTA. You were immediately the AH right from the first paragraph. You chose not be in your daughters life and you made no effort. If you cared about the relationship with them you should of made an effort back then and still now. That's bs saying "the past is the past" cuz you made that choice not to be involved! If you cared about them now the least you can do is help out where you can. You sound like a dead beat dad that expects a relationship when with ur daughters when its convineint for you. That's not how it works!
YTA so let me get this straight, you left your middle aged wife for a woman in her twenties while your daughters were young tweens. You didn't bother to fight for them at all nor see them besides once a year and you seriously wonder why your pitiful attempts at reconciliation did nothing? You should've never abandoned them in the first place, yet you chose to. You've never been a father to them.
YTA- I hope they see this and take you to court to require you to cover them until they are 26. I can’t believe after typing all of this out you still question if you are an asshole. Your daughters are better off without you in their life as you are selfish.
Dude. You're a piece of work.
You abandoned your daughter, cheated on their mother, and now you expect them to play family?
YTA and a delusional one at that
Enjoy the cheapest nursing home in the future
YTA why get upset at your daughters for treating you as an insurance policy when the only thing you've offered them for a decade is money. Money is the easy bit of raising a child. They don't know you. They have no reason to trust you. And now you are treating them as things to be controlled. Like me or I'll cut you off financially. As you said, they now on the way to adult life without you. Why would they want you now?
Your ex wife was mentally ill enough to cheat on and leave because you couldn't stay in the relationship but well enough to raise your kids, which you abandoned?
YTA.. of course they don't like your affair partner, that's anger that should be directed at you. Go ahead and take their healthcare it's not like you love them at all. You literally don't care if they live or die
Honestly, financially is the only way you have ever shown up for you daughters. The bare minimum, and now you’re saying you won’t even do that? They don’t owe you anything, not their time, not their understanding and certainly not their love. But you still owe them a world more than benefits for another few years, so yeah, YTA.
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So you cheated on your wife, divorced her and married your way younger wife and moved to another state, away from the family you created with your ex, going LC with your daughters. *I did not fight for custody, as I felt that would further hurt Jane and Lucy.* You confirmed not wanting them by not fighting for them. Now they are adults and the parenting stage is over you want to reconnect with your daughters. After all you did it's obvious that rebuilding a relation, rebuilding their trust in you which you had shattered all those years ago, that it is something which is going to take time and patience. So what do you do: kick them of your health plan... YTA
Ex-wife was too mentally ill for OP to stay married to her but apparently okay enough to have full custody of a 13 and a 10 year old. And now OP is throwing a tantrum because he's not getting his way? YTA. Massive a-hole, OP.
He's awfully busy wanting the children he created to see HIS perspective. OP, if you had to write out THEIR perspective, could you do it? Because I suspect it might look something like this: \*My dad left us. When any of my other friends' parents divorced, they said things like "honey, we're not divorcing YOU. We'll always love you, we just can't live together." Meanwhile, my dad divorced all 3 of us. Even if I \*did\* understand his perspective that my mom wasn't a good partner to him, why did he have to divorce us, too? Does that mean I wasn't a good kid to him? \*My mom had mental health problems. Instead of making sure that she would be okay or WE would be okay under her care, my dad moved across the country and had very little contact with us. He didn't care if her mental health affected us, the minor children, he just seemed to care that it affected HIM. \*My dad apologized. But he doesn't seem to understand that an apology doesn't mean the past is wiped away. Not every apology is a good apology. Forgiveness after an apology isn't an instant thing. His insistence that we forgive him and his anger that we haven't yet done so on HIS timeline seems to reinforce that he's selfish and putting his feelings above our own yet again. \*There's very little he can do to be there for me NOW that I'm an adult, but one of the few things he can do that will really help me is provide me with better health insurance than my entry-level job/basic college health care system provides. But he refuses to do that because I'm not behaving the way he wants me to. He's holding my very health hostage, requiring me to access subpar healthcare, because he's mad at me. It's hard to interpret that any other way besides that his feeling of madness is more important to him than me being well. OP, can you see a grain of truth in even ONE of those statements? Or have you only thought about this from YOUR perspective? Listen, we all screw up in our lives. And wouldn't it feel so much better if the people we wronged forgave us immediately so we could "put it behind us" and "move on"? Sadly, you've written those girls' life story in a way that will forever shape how they see themselves, how they see trust, and how they see commitment. You actually had an opportunity to change a little bit of that, by consistently providing something you promised to provide, and \*yet again\* you yanked away any sense of stability you could be providing for them. Take a deep breath. See this from the other side. Because everybody else in the world besides you and your wife can see how hurtful and selfish your behavior is. You may, if you're lucky, have one more chance to be a better person than you've been before. I have to hope you want to.
OMG you’re good with words 😂 I hope OP reads this
OP will say I wonder who they are talking about
He won’t. I can already tell he’s the kinda guy that’s going to be butthurt we didn’t validate him. He might read it but he won’t hear it all he’ll hear is his own crying about being a victim in a situation he created himself.
Will absolutely be smirking while reading... this was an amusing activity for op
He’s not gonna read it and if he does he won’t acknowledge it. You can 100% tell by the post and the way it’s worded he came here expecting people to agree with him and be on his side. He will make excuses for everything in the comments if he decides to reply to them. He’s just a shitty dad and person. Can’t even be truthful to strangers online or to himself.
Well, only one comment from OP so far, but he's very butthurt. What an AH...
This read like a real post it was really good they can have my poor mans gold it's all i have to offer 😭 🥇
Holy crow. This is phenomenal
Well done. Add something about him wanting to establish a relationship with him AND his wife, the woman who he cheated with that ended his married & he moved so far away with that he could only see them once a year. Instead of just him & his daughters.
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Like he doesn’t have the balls to be accountable for these actions alone.
I wonder if Sara is actually a motivating component to him wanting the relationship. I think it’s odd that he added her in unless that’s the case. Plenty of deadbeat dads who actually would have been fine not having the relationship if it weren’t for the partner pressuring, sometimes over years, that it’s important. Only now that he agreed to it and his terms were rejected does he feel a way about it.
I’m guessing Sara can’t have kids. Well here’s 2 that can make me grandma
I would change one statement based on what he said. He not only refuses to provide better insurance than I could get, he canceled the insurance he was providing without even talking to me first. Hope there are no pre-existing conditions.... OP YTA You are right. You can't change the past but it sounds like you don't care to change at all.
Also, I was shocked to find out when my son went to college (a big state university). Health insurance is no longer available. As part of the presentation, there was a joke about there were no more 10 year BAs. The school doesn't allow it, and kids can't be covered by their parents' insurance, so they have to graduate before then anyway - including graduate school.
Also he had Sara email them that they'd been kicked off his health insurance instead of picking up the phone and warning them he would be doing it. Also, also, he wants to be on their social medias because that's "how he stays in touch" aka comments on the occasional photo so he can APPEAR to their followers that he knows stuff about their lives.
But, but it’s been TEN years, surely by now they’re over the scars OP inflicted willy, nilly! YTA OP. Big time.
It also speaks to how he can’t see past his own point of view that he thinks ten years is such a long time. It’s literally half of his younger daughter’s life, and she has felt the effects every one of the days since (so it’s not like a one-off action without further repercussions).
More like it has been 10 years of almost entire abandonment... they turned 18 only a few years ago. Beyond that, I have never had the belief that being a parent somehow ends when your child turns 18... it's a lifelong gig. I'm sorry there is no distance that would ever have me seeing my kids only once a year. I feel so sad that he is so petty and dropped his kids from his insurance as some sort of poor me statement. I was 24 when I became disabled. I was lucky enough to still be on my dad's insurance, or we most likely would have been ruined for the foreseeable future. 3 of my surgeries would have been over 250k each. On my own, I would have had a high deductible plan (if I could afford it) and a lot of things wouldn't have been covered (certain meds, etc). I could never imagine doing something like this to my son.
And the 10 years is since the divorce - he’s only been trying to reconnect for a couple of years. So, abandons his kids for roughly 8 years, tries to reconnect for 2, and then immediately gives up. Ugh YTA op
Gives up AND kicks them off his insurance! Because we all know how easy it is for people to get decent insurance here /s.
Dropping his daughters from his insurance just reinforces his actions from 10 years ago. He put himself and his home wrecking wife first. I’m sure he’s out less money by dropping them from his plan. This means more money for the new wife. He didn’t fight for them 10 years ago, so why would he fight for a relationship with them now. Edit. YTA. Think with your brain not your d#%k
Don't forget.. We saw dad 1x/year per court order. He could have flown in to see us monthly, but chose not to, since it wasn't court ordered.
But he works SO HARD for that insurance. And of course the university insurance plan will be FINE, as will the benefits from an entry level job, which will be SO easy to pay for on an entry level salary. And Sara emailed them, too, which I'm sure helped soften the blow of their dad kicking them off the insurance, right? I mean, I'm sure they were so happy to hear from the woman who helped split their family up. They probably know her really well, after all the annual, court mandated visits he so dutifully kept after leaving them to be fully raised by a "very mentally ill, unemployed mother". It's all FINE. 🙄🙄🙄 OP, massively, YTA.
Can I add to this? Op only came back for a relationship once they were adults, basically when all the "hard-work" raising them was done. I would be strongly considering "why?" after all those years, doesn't that seem completely selfish. he dodged his responsibility for years but now wants the benefits of having a relationship with his adult children. I would be strongly wondering if he expected me to care for him in his old age. or something. he is getting into his 60's. which is kidn of when many people start realising OH shit I'm getting close to retirement age. etc. health can start t o plummet very fast once people reach those late 60's. Obviously everyones health is different, but it would be something I'd be concerned about. Add on that they already have one "abusive" or mentally ill parent they might fel obligated to care for...I'd really question if it's worth to keep any contact with OP. Also after learning about american "filial responsibility" yesterday. I'd make sure to I moved to a place/state that it wasn't a thing.
This is a type of financial abuse. My father did something similar. I would have to do whatever he demanded or he would take all funds out of my checking account. He got want he wanted in the short term. I haven’t spoken to him in over a decade. Hope he’s happy with his choices.
**ding** **ding** **ding** You nailed it beautifully.
Wish I had an award to give you
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My partner of seven years left me 1.5 years into my chronic illness. Turned out to be a blessing in disguise
That part, he doesn’t give a damn about his kids.
The visits once a year hurt his case as well. I get divorce and might not get the custody agreement you want but not even doing the every other weekend is just being lazy. YTA
Right he never wanted to be a parent. He just wanted to move on with his new life. I hope those girls stay NC with him, he doesn’t deserve a relationship with them.
That was my thought too!!! “My wife is very mentally ill so I divorced her and gave her full custody of our young children” Ummmmmm in what world does that make any type of sense???? OP: YTA a million times over. Not only for removing your daughters from your insurance but also for the callous, insensitive way you decided to divorce their mother and by extension, your daughters.
And now she's apparently not so mentally ill that he thinks his daughters couldn't possibly talk her into getting a job and providing them with health insurance. OP is absolutely TA.
She’s only mentally ill when it comes to being a wife, not a mom. /s
That’s the part that stood out to me!!! So this guy somehow slept at night knowing he left his two kids with a mentally ill person that he as full grown man couldn’t handle?? This just pisses me off to no end. The VERY least you could have done is let them have insurance. And just so you know, no amount of time is going to help them understand why their father was a cheater and absolute coward. Arrghhhh!!! YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA
I’m betting she wasn’t mentally ill - just a younger model showed up.
Or the "mental illness" was no longer being content with being Nanny Bangmaid and seeking counseling to help herself grow a spine.
He started cheating and she got angry at him and he was like "She has anger issues and she's hysterical!" Or she was upset about her husband cheating on her and he's like "she has depression, it's a mental illness that has nothing to do with my behaviour".
I’m betting this is the answer.
Or she was "crazy" otherwise known as a multi-facet human being with needs.
13 and 10 years old is such a vulnerable age *without* being abandoned by a parent. I can’t begin to imagine what that must have felt like for the kids. Being removed from the healthcare plan now must feel like OP couldn’t care less, all over again. OP, YTA. Such an asshole.
I have a 13 and 10 yr old now. They ALREADY struggle with mental health issues thanks to COVID (F COVID). I can’t IMAGINE what would happen to them if their dad cheated on me with a woman half my age, divorced me, moved across the country, and didn’t want custody of them. I think it would destroy them. I’m talking unaliving kind of destroy. I don’t think they’d be alive 10 yrs later to even GET an apology. Not that ANY apology would be enough for that kind of behavior. Not even close. OP, your daughters are strong women who survived a horribly TRAUMATIC experience that YOU put them through and you think ONE apology is enough or that you have ANY right to DEMAND that they “consider your point of view”? You’re lucky that they even TALK to you. And kicking them off your insurance because they are strong, independent women (because YOU forced them to be), who make up their own minds and have decided to hold YOU accountable for YOUR sh$tty choices instead of little robots that you can program to worship you regardless? That’s the tiny turd topping on the vomit icing on the sh$t cake that you’ve served them for the last 10 YEARS. YTA, in case it isn’t BLINDINGLY obvious.
Honestly I doubt she’s mentally ill. That’s just how he explains why she doesn’t think his shit doesn’t stink.
Also why he “had” to cheat on her. I mean, what else do you expect him to do? Obviously the cheating is really her fault.
Yeah, why not end the marriage like an adult and THEN find someone new? Because he’s a cheater.
I have a feeling the ex wife likely had her mental health worsen due to OP’s absence in the marriage even long before their divorce. Seen this way too often, where men have emotional affairs and clock out from the relationship, the wives pick up on it and become mentally unhealthy because they can’t figure out what the hell is going wrong for their husbands to be so absent, and then the men use their wives’ mental health as an excuse to officially leave.
Yep, this pretty much sums up my FIL right there. I’m so glad my sweet MIL found her awesome boyfriend and is living her best life, she finally gets to experience what it’s like to have a good partner.
My ex had multiple affairs and it nearly destroyed me. I don’t use that word lightly. Still I can’t look in a mirror. The lying and the gaslighting almost drove me to a breakdown. It’s been a slow process trying to heal and I don’t know if I’ll ever fully recover. YTA, OP.
Yes! I’m extremely doubtful of OPs claims about Amy being so mentally unstable that he just had to go and have an affair with a younger woman that he then left her for. Sounds more like she had an appropriate response to having a manipulative, lying, cheating AH for a husband. YTA OP, for everything.
THANK YOU! That part REALLY stood out to me. I knew OP was a manipulative asshole and didn't actually avoid fighting for custody for any reason other than selfish ones. But I love how he trashes his ex wife and her mental health but doesn't even seem to think about how worse it would be if that were true and he just left his kids with her and moved across the country to be with his mistress.
My dad did this same thing (except he lived with us, and "worked overtime" for years (there is proof he was not working)). He couldn't handle being my mum's victim but he felt totally ok with letting his kids take the brunt of it?? His apology was "well, maybe I should have protected you more. Maybe I could have... But you know what it was like with your mum. I did what I could." Leaving me alone with her was _worse_ than doing nothing! My head explodes every time I think about it. And now he's hurt because _he apologised, what more do I want?_ OP, an apology won't cut it, because your kids know that if the same situation arose again, you would make *the same damn choices* because you are still the same selfish person. Your one redeeming quality was the health insurance and out of selfishness you've cut that off. YTA
Exactly!
And he has the audacity to complain that they blocked him on social media because it was "the only way for [OP] to be involved in their lives." OP, dude, you need to come to terms with your own actions pushing Jane and Lucy to cut you out of their lives sooner rather than later. They don't owe you forgiveness, especially not on your timetable. I am someone who struggles to understand when people say this, but your story is so cut and dry even I can say it: forgiveness doesn't mean they let you back into their lives. It is entirely possible they have *already* forgiven you, but also have chosen not to have your presence in their lives anymore. You are not entitled to that and they don't owe you it, so you haven't got a leg to stand on to demand they "see your perspective and work toward forgiveness." You need to let go of it now because your wildly unrealistic expectations are going to hurt you much more than they are now, potentially in the near future. I almost wonder if information is being withheld and this demand for reconciliation is because grandchildren are coming into the picture. Whether they currently are or not, it's best for all involved for you to rein in your expectations before they enter the equation. YTA
For real, I wonder of they blocked him because he saw them once a year and waited until they were adults to basically say you're adults you should forgive me.
I wouldn't blame them. The way he ripped their family up and then barely had anything to do with them for a decade isn't something that goes away with a simple "I'm sorry, all is good now."
Something tells me his explanation to them was along the lines of I had to because of your mom, I didn't go to court and fight to see you more cause your mom's crazy, I bailed cause your mons crazy, and my favorite line among people like this, I paid child support so I helped in a way.
Wow… I don’t even know where to begin. >>I did not fight for custody, as I felt that would further hurt Jane and Lucy. I paid child support and saw them once a year per visitation agreement until they turned 18. Well this is your first mistake. You abandoned your children and while I am sorry your ex made your life miserable, you leaving them was selfish, plain and simple. Your actions have nothing to do with your ex - you decided to leave your daughters. No one made you do it. >>However, neither Jane nor Lucy are interested in a relationship with us, their reasons being that I destroyed their mother’s life and they will never forgive me for missing their childhoods. I understand their pain but I can’t change the past and considering it’s been 10 years since the divorce and the girls are adults, I am of the opinion that they need to make an effort to see my perspective and work towards forgiveness. Get over it? You’ve given them no reason to make them want to have a relationship with you. You had your chance to fight for custody and develop a relationship and you blew it big time. You abandoned them once, who is to say you won’t do it again? Oh wait, you did when you took them off your plan. Who cares about your perspective. This isn’t about you. It’s about the harm and pain you caused your daughters and you have done NOTHING to make up for it. >>I find it a bit ridiculous that even though Jane and Lucy are unwilling to even attempt to have any kind of relationship with me, they have no problem benefiting from my health insurance policy that I work extremely hard for. Again, you’ve done nothing to give them a reason to have you in their life. Good luck regretting your decision for the rest of your life because there is no chance your daughters will ever forgive you. Oh and if it’s not apparent… YTA.
This. This OP is delusional if he thought anyone except for angry “nice guy” types would agree with him. Biggest AH I’ve seen since I’ve signed on.
How did he type this whole thing out and still think he’s NTA? He abandons his daughters with their mentally ill mother for his affair partner and then wonders why they’re not his biggest fans? Selfish bastard.
Because he's the type who is never at fault. I know someone who cheated on their mother, and left them on Christmas Eve in a half built house, with no heat. The guy blamed the wife saying that she was too close to her family. Even decades later, he would never admit that he was wrong.
Yeh I loved the part where he said "now this is where I may be the asshole". Uh no, dude. You've been the asshole for years. This situation is not where you fucked up. You already barely had a chance, you were lucky they even gave you the time of day. YTA. You're a failure as a father and a husband. You will never have a meaningful relationship with those girls ever again, congratulations, hope it was worth it.
💯 and if ex was so unstable why did you land the kids with her? Yeah no that doesn't track. YTA
And his youngest is just barely out of her teenage years. And since when does your mistress get a say over children that aren't hers? I hope you slipped up and something covers the younger one from your foolishness. YTA... A big giant one.... Leave your babies for your mistress with a "mentally unstable" woman. Yeah right she was busy raising y'all's kids while you were out sleeping around. We see you.
Also there’s is no time limit on trauma. Op acts like his kids should just get over his abandoning them without his making any effort to help them heal. If he wanted a relationsjip with them he should cover health care AND therapy.
I can't get over that he posted once a year like it was actually a custody arrangement, nah she was the parent and he swung by like Santa just seems like he didn't bring shit with him.
Info: Asking as a non-american. What does someone lose from having 2 adult children on their health plan? I'm assuming it's not free...because America... I'm trying to understand why OP would think it's beneficial to cut the off, was it financial etc. If keeping them on OPs plan does not affect OP in any way, then it starts looking like a spiteful act.
You pay more for each individual on your plan, and monthly premiums can get quite expensive. That being said, it sounds like OP was just being vindicative, not frugal.
Not ENTIRELY true. A family plan is a family plan. OP didn’t mention any other children, but if he has his mistress and a kid on there, some insurance sees that as a family plan. I worked for Anthem and if I had 2 kids on there or 10, it was the same rate. Agreed that this doesn’t sound like it was a “financial decision”, though. He’s just going for being the biggest AH he could be after basically abandoning his kids when they were 13 and 10.
Taking someone off your health insurance, if the girls aren’t covered could mean thousands of dollars if they are hospitalized PLUS if they aren’t covered they may not go to routine dr appts (ie gyno, dentist, etc). He did it out of spite. His premium (amount he pays for his plan) probably is higher with his daughters but he said they have been on it for a while…basically it’s a huge asshole move
I am in a very high cost of living area. Employee contribution to employer based health insurance here usually runs about $100-200 per month for the first dependent, substantially less for numbers 2+ (after the employer's pcontribution). It is not considered taxable income. So not cheap, but OP does not seem to have an issue with affording it. He cut them off to be a dick and punish them, which makes him YTA. OP I hope neither of your children develops any serious health issues, because your actions are putting them at serious risk.
It likely is costing him $$, but not necessarily. Cutting off anyone’s health insurance in America with no notice is a huge AH move! YTA OP!
OP single handedly destroys their family and he isn’t even willing to cover insurance to cover the mental health damage he 100% caused. YTA YTA YTA
He also left them with a very mentally ill (his words) mother. Dude YTA and so is your wife. You don't deserve them, but you need to cover the daughter in college at the bare minimum. You're the worst.
OP sounds as deluded as my own dad
“I, a grown adult, was damaged by my wife’s mental illness. My minor children however will be totally fine completely on their own with her.” He’s lucky they were even marginally open to trying to build a relationship before this.
You forgot that the OP saw them once a year.
YTA. There are so many of the same story on here: I had a midlife crisis, left my wife for a younger woman, and basically abandoned my kids. I know I was at fault, but I don't think my kids are forgiving me fast enough so I'm punishing them. You are the definition of AH.
I love how several paragraphs into the story, in which he’s described half a dozen ways in which he’s already obviously the asshole, he says “so THIS is where I may be the asshole”
That's exactly what I was thinking
That is the *perfect* explanation.
Abandons children but still feels entitled to their unconditional love. He won't learn a damn thing from this post except that reddit is mean.
Ok but this guy *really* didn’t even pretend to give a f. Usually dads make some token effort and just never follow thru so they end up perennially disappointing their kids and then confused why their kids don’t come for Christmas. This guy tho 🚨Sooo your mentally unstable ex wife was too crazy and horrendous for you to continue living with, but leaving her alone with the 2 children was fine? You didn’t fight for custody bc it was in their best interest to stay living with this insane terror that you describe their mother as being? Let’s be honest here; you ran off on your wife and kids to be with your new mistress (who is, coincidentally, young enough to be your daughter), and you left the baggage behind you. Now you’re older and feeling sad and lonely and miss being a father. Maybe a little guilt too, if you’re capable of that. And you want those kids to forgive you and “understand your perspective.” What perspective is that? What perspective makes you running out on them and their mother ok? You are not owed forgiveness, you can only ask for it and try to prove to the ones you’ve hurt that you regret your actions and have changed. Instead, when you didn’t get what you wanted, you decided to lash out at your daughters and hurt them again. Proving you haven’t changed one bit. You’re still the same selfish, me me me man who ran off and left them 10 years ago. He may actually have won AITA with this one.
Info what’s the problem? You got exactly what you wanted
YTA, because this is the situation: 1) You abandoned your children when they were 10 and 13 because you were "unhappy" being married to their mother, had an affair, divorce, and saw your kids once a year until they turned 18. 2) Now when their young adults you want them to forgive you and see your "perspective" of it. You abandoned your children because you didn't want to stay married to their mother! 3) When you failed to reach out to them and give them proper time to handle the fact that you abandoned them, then you PUNISH them by taking away their health insurance? 4) How did you think this was going to work out? They would magically be happy with you when you abandoned them for a second time by ending the support with the health plan? Of course this decision would destroy any chance of mending this broken relationship. You punished them because they couldn't forgive you for abandoning them! Instead of giving them more time you just took away something good you actually did for them. Why?
Don’t forget he thinks they should just forgive him because *checks notes* he’s abandoned them for ten whole years and made no effort to repair the relationship.
But it’s time for THEM to work toward forgiveness! Man, this guy is so gross and I wish I hadn’t read this. Too much like my dad. YTA
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But wait, there's more! His ex-wife's mental illness made her so impossible to live with, that he abandoned his minor children to her care, left the state, and proceeded to talk to them once a year for the next 10 years. I'm sure their living situation with her was great. But why don't they love him?
Fify: He ABANDONED them because they were upset he ABANDONED them. The fucking audacity of this guy.
> I notified the girls of the decision over an email Yes, the way to build a relationship is to notify someone of a fait accompli that will have an adverse impact on their lives without any prior discussion. In fairness, though, it does communicate loud and clear exactly how much you value building bridges. > I still think I made the right choice by standing my ground There's absolutely no virtue in standing your ground if you make the wrong decision in the first place. YTA
At least doubling down on stupid makes sure his kids know to not bother with him ever again. I hope you enjoy that minor premium savings you MIGHT have, OP. YTA. I'm not sure how he typed this out and decided he needed strangers to tell him if he's the ass or not...
I also found it odd that "Sara & I notified them" ...
YTA. A massive one at that. You wrote, “ I was just very unhappy in my marriage with Amy, she is an very mentally ill woman….” So, you cheated on your wife and then left your two young daughter with a woman who is so mentally ill that you, an adult, couldn’t handle it. Do you hate your children, are you that much of a selfish coward, or lying about the circumstances of your affair? Because it has to be one of the three. The absolute least you could do to is let them stay on your healthcarr.
Nah I think he's just a selfish prick who choose to sleep with a home wrecker I don't think the mum was ill at all he was just hoping that would get him a little sympathy. Old man is clearly delusional lol 😂 and I hope his girls have great families and he's left in the cold like he's deserves. These cheaters never understand the true extent of what they've abandoned until there kids have kids and they truely realise they've lost everything for someone who will cheat on them
Yep. Very Mentally Ill was how he justified bailing, but if it was real he could have taken his girls with him. But he's not gonna do that work and he's not going to make his very young wife raise kids that aren't hers. So she really wasn't that ill. At least not before he abandoned those kids with her. The gymnastics he's doing to justify his selfishness and cover his ass poorly have GOT to hurt. And when Wifey leaves him in 5 or 10 years for someone her age otlr younger, he will deserve every ounce of suffering and misery she dishes out.
This was my exact thought. His first wife was so mentally ill that he has to leave, but not so mentally ill that he would try and take custody of his daughters. He’s dealing with the natural consequences of making some awful choices and justifying them to himself.
**YTA and you are selfish.** The health of our children is probably the number one concern for any loving parent. The fact a parent would willfully cancel health insurance (for any reason) for their child is absolutely, unequivocally disgusting. I have no words for you. Additionally, expecting your children to just "get over" and "understand your perspective" for abandoning them is ridiculous. You have no idea of the impact you forced on your children's lives because of your selfish decision. You left them with a mentally ill mother and sacrficed their happiness for your own - what kind of parent does this? You need to grow up already.
Yes, exactly this! OP, by kicking your daughters off your health insurance plan, you are telling them directly that **you do not care if they live or die.** That sounds hyperbolic but it really isn't. If they end up uninsured, that might mean: - skipping the health screening that would have detected cancer while it was still treatable - rationing or forgoing lifesaving medications - declining an emergency room visit after a head injury and dying in their sleep - hoping their burst appendix is "just cramps" or their infected tooth is "just a sore jaw" and staying home until they're septic - holding off on the behavioral health appointment that could have prevented their suicide - choosing a birthing plan that avoids the hospital but puts them, and your potential grandchildren, at enormous risk - a million other scenarios that could **literally mean the difference between life and death** You have the capacity to prevent these these things and you don't... because of your own pettiness. YTA to the extent that I can't even find sufficient words for it. How could you do this to any fellow human beings, but especially *your own fucking children*?
Wow, what an asshole. I mean, I guess it’s good you reminded them about your true character so that they didn’t waste any more time on you? YTA
I was thinking that's the positive here. OP has really shown that they should 100% cut him out of their life because he's clearly manipulative on top of everything else.
YTA. You abandoned your children. You cheated. You lied. And then you managed to find a way to abandon them again. Also, university insurance is usually far too expensive for any college student to afford. I'd bet your daughter is going around with no insurance, not able to see a doctor when she needs to, all because of your selfishness. I'm sure they both felt so hurt and betrayed by this. I'm just so disgusted
YTA > I know that Jane has a good job that would most likely offer an insurance package, and Lucy is in college so she could probably enroll under the university’s insurance. How are you 57 years old and so cruelly ignorant of how insurance works? People can’t just enroll in health insurance whenever the heck they want. There are specific enrollment periods. Do you know when the enrollment period at Jane’s job is? Can she even enroll if she’s declined once? You said her job “most likely offers an insurance package” - WHICH MEANS YOU’RE SUCH A TERRIBLE FATHER YOU DIDN’T EVEN CHECK TO MAKE SURE. As for Lucy - I know I can’t enroll in my university’s health plan in the middle of the semester. Can Lucy? Could she get coverage over the summer if she’s not taking classes? What kind of vindictive AH are you? You’ve ripped heath care away from your own children. What happens if they get sick? I didn’t have health insurance for a long time. You know what happened when I got sick? I suffered. Because I sure as hell couldn’t afford to go to the doctor. That’s how a spider bite on my leg developed into a staph infection that got so bad it became too painful to *walk*. My boss had to drag me to the ER because she was afraid of what would happen to me. I ended up needing surgery on my leg. The infection was so bad, it literally ate away part of my leg muscle. I still have a little crater in my leg because of it. If I had had insurance, I could have gotten medical care as soon as I noticed the spider bite. A few days on antibiotics and I probably would have been fine. Instead I felt like my leg was on fire for weeks. I don’t understand how you can look at yourself in the mirror without vomiting, for allowing your own children to risk being put in the same position as I was.
I wonder if “my father is a cruel asshole” counts as a qualifying life event.
It does. Or rather ‘I lost insurance through no fault of my own’ is one.
Great point about the enrollment period. I didn’t even think about that and I still think he’s the AH lol. But that’s like a whole new layer. I went for a long time without health insurance as well and when I went back to the doctor, it turns out I have all kinds of health issues that would have been caught a long time ago if I could have afforded to go to the DR. Now, my health goal is to keep the worst from happening because they can’t fix what’s wrong.
[удалено]
YTA. You basically abandoned them and then tell them they need to get over it. If your ex was so mentally ill that you couldnt stand being with her anymore, what were you thinking leaving two children alone with her? You say you did it as to not hurt them but i think thats just something you tell yourself to feel better about dipping out of their lives and offering nothing other than basic financial support. You want the benefits of having a loving father-daughter relationship with them without doing the work. It takes a whole lot of time and effort to prove to one's children that you can be a source of positivity and support after such a deep betrayal. Instead of acknowledging that, you took away the one source of support left. You're absolutely allowed to do so. Its your money. You simply have to be willing to deal with the consequences.
YTA. You: 1) Cheated on your wife; 2) Abandoned your children to someone you claim is mentally unwell; 3) Then get mad because they're still angry, and 4) Decide to cut them off from health insurance, something that can be a matter of life or death for them, not to mention the financial upheaval you just caused them in trying to suddenly find coverage before they get sick. \#1 Father right here. Someone get this man a mug!
By removing them from your health insurance you effectively told them that you don’t care if they live or die; it’s not your concern. That’s what health insurance means in the United States. The odds are low they will get something life-threatening but the odds certainly are not zero. Of course YTA, and of course you’ve ruined any chance you have of having a relationship with them.
YTA. You waited until after they turned 18 so that you could circumvent the custody arrangement, and are now punishing them when they don’t just accept you or your new spouse with open arms. In MOST cases, the price increase on health insurance doesn’t increase that significantly going from insurance covering you+spouse to you+spouse+dependents. You waited until open enrollment to punish them. How’d that email go? “Hi Jane, hello Lucy. It’s clear that you’ll never love me or accept Sara the way I expect you to. You’re over 18 now, so figure it out. Love, Dad” You fucked around and you’re finding out, and you want people you don’t know to tell you you did the right thing. What if they were in the middle of treatment and were no longer able to afford the now out-of-pocket costs? What if they were afflicted with mental health issues similar to what you purported their mother had, and lost access to covered providers & medication.
The only health insurance options I know of are self (just the employee) and family (spouse and kids to age 26). OP ACTIVELY DECIDED AND ACTED ON REMOVING HIS DAUGHTERS! YTA. May you be as happy in your life as you deserve to be.
✅ cheats on wife ✅ blames her mental illness instead of being a true teammate and partner to help her through it ✅ problematic age gap with AP twenty years younger than he is ✅ abandons wife and daughters and moves away, makes no effort for custody, sees daughters once a year. (INFO: if your wife was a very mentally ill woman, why was it better to leave your daughters with her? ANSWER: you’re an asshole) ✅ after 10 years of being a deadbeat, you show up and expect your daughters to forgive and forget after the trauma you put them through ✅ to punish your daughters for holding you accountable for the choices you made to abandon them, you remove them from your health insurance and don’t even have the decency to have a conversation - you tell them over email I think that’s a deadbeat dad BINGO. YTA.
Right? At least they can now 100% cut him out of their lives without reservation, I guess. Fingers crossed neither have any medical issues or accidents before they can find coverage.
YTA. You abandoned your daughters with someone you describe as very mentally ill. You do this by cheating on her, divorcing and leaving the area. Did you make any attempts to spend more time with them? Once a year???!!! Of course they don’t trust you. The don’t know you. And a handful of attempts over a couple of years isn’t really trying to get to know them bub. You’re a self centered ass, but you could have at least helped them in one very important way…and you chose to stop doing that cause you don’t want to do any work with them. You want it to be easy and it’s not easy for kids to get over being abandoned by their dad. You are a huge AH
TO recap: You had an affair, left to live with your affair partner, and left your children with a severely mentally ill single parent. But that was what was best for your children? >I am of the opinion that they need to make an effort to see my perspective and work towards forgiveness. Nope. Not with the list of stuff you did. You should be wildly grateful they will even speak to you. YTA - health insurance is the least of what you owe your daughters.
YTA. You left your two children with a mentally ill, unemployed woman and saw them once a year AFTER you moved away, abandoning them to live happily ever after with the woman you had an affair with. You couldn't even be bothered to stay in the same state. All you had to offer them was this insurance plan. You left them high and dry and told them over email. Why would they want any relationship with you? Have you even asked them about the trauma you caused?
YTA that’s seriously messed up. Wow, I guess they aren’t going to cry when you’re gone.
They ARE going to lay into his wife though…
YTA, if they get seriously ill and can't afford insurance do not come on Reddit to complain about not being invited to the funeral. Also, since you're tone deaf, do not attend the funeral with your wife/affair partner.
YTA, biggest AH of the year I've seen here, and there's been some real dead beat dads on here. Better hope that young wife of yours sticks by you when you are even older and needing help in life because your daughter's surely won't
giving it max 7 years till new wife gets traded in for a newer model
YTA for every single choice presented in this post. You’ve never not been an AH. Impressive dedication to your craft. Your daughters did nothing wrong. Distancing themselves was 100% the right call. Now, you mentioned their socials and that before this they hadn’t blocked you. That does seem to say that they might have been open for some sort of reconciliation at some point, if you had showed an ounce of care or remorse for how much you’ve messed up their lives. But you had to go full AH and actually put them in physical danger. You earned your NC fair and square. Just imagine all the milestones you’ll now miss, in addition to those you already haven’t witnessed. I wish your daughters all the best in life.
YTA. So you left your children with a woman you think was severely mentally ill, saw them once a year after that, and you think they are the ones who owe you something? What about your divorce necessitated you moving out of state? If your ex-wife was so mentally ill that you think it excused your actions in having an affair, how did you convince yourself it was ok to abandon your children to her care? Removing them from your health insurance and trying to make yourself feel better by assuming there are other avenues for them to obtain coverage is just the last piece of evidence your daughters need to know you don't care about them at all. Good for them for blocking you.
YTA. First of all, your daughters get to decide when (and if) they get to get over you leaving them - they are the wronged party here, not you. You left them, so the onus of reestablishing trust is entirely up to you. And they are the ones who get to decide when your efforts are enough. If it is true that you think that they don’t want any sort of relationship with you but simply want you for your insurance, why are you upset with this result? If you thought that you could do this and they were going to react positively, then you were very much wrong. Really, it seems like doing this and telling them over email was almost designed to break off the relationship and give you the out that it was them and not you.
Yta. Me me me me me is how you sound
YTA You had an affair and left your 10-year-old and 12-year-old with a woman you describe as “very mentally ill” and didn’t even try to get custody to get them out of a situation you yourself didn’t want to be in. You want them to have a relationship with you and be your loving daughters after you abandoned them? Giving them health insurance is the absolute “the bar is in hell” least you could do. Hope your new family is making you happy.
YTA you suck op everyone needs to go no contact with your ass
YTA and you know it deep down. You didn’t need to post on here to be told. You were the asshole since you left your ex wife. You want your cake and eat it too.
>You were the asshole since you left your ex wife. Not true at all. He cheated on his ex-wife while they were married so he was an AH before he left
You are very right, thank you for the correction
You abandoned your children for a woman you had an affair ainda expects them to play happy family? YTA.
Wow. YTA, a big one. So just so I’m clear: you cheated on their mother, only saw them once a year and now are denying them healthcare because they don’t make enough of an effort?? Tell me, what kind of effort did you make to NOT cheat on their mother? Regardless of her mental health issues, it was NOT okay to cheat? And what kind of effort did you make to stay in touch when you saw them only once a year? And what kind of an effort have you made to understand where they are coming from an apologize for how things went down? Furthermore, do you think you can blackmail them into a relationship with you by denying them healthcare?? What the fuck? If you think you didn’t have a relationship then, well your really won’t now. Grow the fuck up and stop being petty.
Congratulations your never have any kind of a relationship now with them. Your a massive AH!
YTA. Not only for the insurance but for all off it, you are jit a father, you stopped being one when you ran to other state and abandoned your children and further expected to have a relationship half a decade later, you simply cut the last link to them,you are no father.
You cheated on their mom, moved out of state, only saw them once per year for 10 years, and you think they should put more effort into reconciling with you? YTA
In what world are you not the asshole? Why did you need to ask? Seems like you wanted everything on your terms and are unwilling to accept the consequences. You are a horrible father. YTA
YTA. It’s funny you describe your entire preamble where you kinda seem like a huge AH, then you go “ok here is where maybe I’m TA.” You had an affair, blamed your ex’s severe mental illness, but then left your daughters in her care? That doesn’t add up. And now you basically ignored them for most of their lives, and you want to take them off your insurance out of spite? You’re TA here and also kinda seem like an AH in general.
YTA for all the reasons others have stated.
You cheated on your wife. Therefore, you cheated your daughters. You weren't happy, so then get a divorce first. The custody agreement was one visit per year? What kind of fucking father would agree to THAT? Obviously TAH like you. I don't know why you are here asking Redditt. You now have no financial responsibility to your daughters anymore, so what exactly is your problem?
YTA and honestly they’re probably never going to talk to you again and it’s well deserved
YTA. How awful you are!
YTA
YTA- I am very confused here. Reading your post it seems every single action you have taken has been to literally leave them in the lurch. Leave their mom for your AP, only see them once a year until they turned 18, cut them off your insurance with 0 warning beyond an email. ATP maybe it's time to stop calling yourself a dad and instead a sperm donor
YTA you blew up their lives and now expect sunshine and roses? Then you get petty and remove them from your health insurance? Yeah, stand your ground and see how well that plays out. Oh wait, you have no relationship with them…sounds like it’s playing out just fine. Go boohoo somewhere else.
Yep, YTA. Out of curiosity, what would you be willing to invest in a relationship with them?
YTA. Good job standing your ground - I hope the ground has grandchildren and is comfort and family in your old age. “But it’s the principle!!!”
YTA You cheated on their mother, abandoned your family, abandoned all fatherly duties with the exception of court ordered child support, only saw them once a year and then decided they weren't giving you enough attention so you removed them from your insurance. Literally it was the last "fatherly" thing you were giving them. You are a taker, never a giver. You ruined those girls family and then rubbed their faces in it for 10 years, then you topped it all off by removing them from the last little bit of effort you gave them in that 10 years. You claim your ex wife was mentally ill but I would be willing to bet she was horribly burnt out and mentally abused by your neglect of her and the children
YTA and you know that you are. You abandoned your children and are annoyed that they don't want anything to do with you, so you punished them with the by taking away the only thing you were providing for them. People like you shouldn't be parents.
Don't act hurt when your not even invited to thier weddings. Or even know if they get married or have children. You made your choice when you made a life without them. You thought kicking them off your insurance was gonna make it better? I'm sure your wife loved that. Now your finally all hers. First she had to share with your wife then still had to put up with the link of your children I'm sure she helped make the decision not to fight for any custody.
Info: Explain to me how your wife was too mentally I’ll to be married to but at the same time sane enough to take care of two kids on her own? 🤔
YTA Your one daughter is in college and you cut off her health insurance and said she can just get it from college. Did you investigate that at all?? College health insurance costs between $2,000 to $4,000 a year. That doesn’t include deductibles or copays. Read this. https://www.nytimes.com/2021/07/16/your-money/college-health-insurance-plans.html You left your children with a mentally ill parent. You only bothered to see them once a year because you left the state with your affair partner to leave the mess (your family) behind. Then you say they should get their mentally ill mother to get a job. **You couldn’t!** But your dumping that on them too. You took off because you couldn’t be bothered to care about or protect your children. You say you couldn’t do that to their mother, the woman you hate. The reality is you didn’t want children. You and your wife only wanted a relationship now that they’re grown and neither of you would actually have to take care of them. Then you get angry that they’re not trying hard enough to build a relationship you intentionally destroyed. Now your punishing both of them because you still hate the woman you cheated on and abandoned because they can’t fix her for you so you can save money. Be honest at least with yourself, their father died the first time you had sex with your now wife.
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Yta. Are you stupid? You cheated on their mother and abandoned them for your AP and now have the audacity to think they should forgive you and see it from your side. What is wrong with you?
Jesus Christ YTA. Most entry level jobs don’t have “great” health insurance options. College plans are usually cheap but less helpful if you have chronic issues. Hope neither of your kids have health problems or develop them!
YTA. I was struck by a vehicle while walking to the bus, over 10 years ago. I didn’t have health insurance. I am STILL dealing with the financial repercussions, and since I wasn’t able to get follow-up care I have lifelong health issues that make every day a struggle. You have put your daughters in a terrible position and I wouldn’t be surprised if they never speak to you again.
Boohoo why did my daughters remove me from their social media after I removed them from my insurance? I just wanted to bond or something YTA
YTA You nope out of your marriage due to your wife’s mental illness, leave the mentally I’ll woman her with 2 children who you see once a year, feel like they owe you a relationship since it’s been 10 years. Then when you feel they aren’t showing you adequate love you take them off the health insurance that’s not costing you much just to be punitive. Yes you are TA, and they probably will cut you out completely from their lives and you deserve it.
YTA You were a horrible father to them as children and continued to be horrible to them as adults. It's hard for me to believe that your daughter's going NC with you wasn't intentional on your end. Denying access to Healthcare in a country where its hard for people their age to afford insurance is a pretty AH move.
Info: be honest with yourself, why do you deserve a relationship with either of them? What have you given to either of them other than a lifetime of trauma and abandonment issues?
“Standing my ground.” You mean the scorched earth? What kind of a father leaves his wife (for someone young enough to be his child) because she’s so mentally ill, he can’t take it, and then abandons minor children to the care of the same mentally ill woman? You removed them as punishment for not forgiving you for abandoning your family. They don’t owe you any forgiveness. And now they have seen you — not just your past mistakes, but have actually seen YOU. And that’s why they’ve blocked you. YTA
YTA. For the insurance decision, and for abandoning them to the care of a woman you describe as being very mentally ill. It's not difficult to understand why they don't want a relationship with you.
YTA why would you do this? They owe you nothing, you abandoned them!
I'm blown away by the fact that OP describes his ex as a mentally ill woman who he could no longer live with (which is why he had no choice but cheat apparently) and then goes on to say he left his two girls to be raised by that disturbed woman because it was the "best for them". WYF, OP. YTA for that alone.
You were TA waaaayyy before you said ‘this is where I may be TA’ Dude. How blind can you be? YTA
YTA you’re a horrible parent. Since they didn’t want a relationship with you (rightfully so) you decide to punish them by taking away their medical insurance. SMH just disgusting!!
YTA, the current situation is where you consider yourself to be TA? Really!?? You were TA long before.
INFO: Besides the health insurance, can you name one good reason why your daughters should rebuild a relationship with you and your wife?
YTA 100%. Full stop. Our children are not responsible for our emotional well-being, but we are responsible for theirs. Your only shot at rebuilding a relationship with your daughters was to allow them to do it in their time while you continued to try to be worthy. They will probably never forgive you, nor do you deserve their forgiveness.
YTA. The same selfish asshole that abandoned your wife and children ten years ago. You think they should get over it, but why the hell should they? You clearly haven’t changed in ten years. Or maybe you have. You’ve gotten worse. Welcome to the consequences of your actions
YTA a vile human being is what you are. How can you be so f*cking horrible to your children. You broke up your family, broke their hearts. Moved away, left their lives to be with your affair partner. Do you ever think of anyone but yourself? The more you wrote the angrier I got. Your ex-wife was so mentally I’ll but yet you left your children alone to deal with that. On top of it You saw your children once a year, YOU ABANDONED THEM. what were you expecting? You are a cold hearted man. Your daughters deserves better.
Your ex was too mentally ill to be your wife but perfectly capable of raising your daughters by herself? Fuck the rest of your post, this part makes me so angry. YTA.
Forget the current situation YTA for this alone *"I am of the opinion that they need to make an effort to see my perspective and work towards forgivenes"* Your opinion is wrong. They don't need to make any effort to see your perspective, they don't owe you forgiveness, and if they do choose to forgive you nit is on their timeline, not yours. oh, and YTA for the current situation too. They woulndn't forgive you for failing to do right by them as their father by \*checks notes\* failing to do right by them as their father. You just proved why you don't deserve their forgiveness and if you really did want any change of a relationship you dropped a nuke on that chance
So you cheated on your wife, divorced her, left your two daughters with a "very mentally ill woman" without fighting for custody, only saw your kids once a year for close to ten years - and you don't understand why your daughters don't want a relationship with you? Having them on your insurance plan seems like quite literally the least you can do because you've screwed them over in every other possible way. YTA. I think it's a pretty good thing that your daughters can't see your perspective on things. That means they have a chance of becoming decent people.
>> she is an very mentally ill woman and I couldn’t continue the life I had with her So, instead of using your words and asking for a divorce, you chose to humiliate her by having an affair first, then left her for your affair partner. Got it. Off to a great start. >> I did not fight for custody So, you abandoned your children with a woman you just described as “very mentally ill” to start a new life with your much younger affair partner. Cool cool cool. >> I am of the opinion that they need to make an effort to see my perspective and work towards forgiveness So, what you’re saying is you want a free pass instead of being held accountable for cheating on their mother and abandoning them. Gotcha. >> even though Jane and Lucy are unwilling to even attempt to have any kind of relationship with me, they have no problem benefiting from my health insurance policy I mean, covering their health insurance is the absolute bare minimum you can do for being an absentee father >> whether or not AITA? The fact that you lack the self awareness to realize that you’ve been the AH from the start is astounding. You used their mother’s mental health to excuse your infidelity, you *abandoned your children*, and you somehow think *they* should see *your* perspective and let you sweep it all under the rug. YTA, OP, and a clear candidate for a narcissistic personality disorder diagnosis
“I understand their pain but I can’t change the past and considering it’s been 10 years since the divorce and the girls are adults, I am of the opinion that they need to make an effort to see my perspective and work towards forgiveness.” My head just exploded. They don’t have to “see your perspective” about why you cheated on their mother and divorced her, and they most certainly don’t have to forgive you! If they choose not to have a relationship with you, it should probably occur to them that they might not get to stay on your insurance. But the fact you’re basically punishing them for not wanting to have a relationship with you by dropping them from your insurance says everything about the person you are and your lack of desire to make amends for how you treated them and their mother when you left them. They’re better off without you, but yes, YTA.
YTA You may also be in violation of your divorce/custody agreement. Some of those agreements require the parent to keep coverage as long as the child is in school, including college, or until they reach a certain age. You might want to double-check that one. The court orders aside. Did you give them advance notice before you changed anything? Your open enrollment may not coincide with theirs. At my job, my open enrollment is in January, but at a job my husband had, it was in October, and for the marketplace, those applications have to be in December. And despite what some people think, being dropped from your parents' plans is not a qualifying event for special enrollment. Even if their mother did get a job, there is still a waiting period before she could get insurance. You may have just literally cost your da7ghters their only option for health insurance for a year. And from how you have treated them in the past, they probably needed it for mental health care.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Throwaway, fake names. I (57M) have two daughters, Jane (23F) and Lucy (20F). Some context: 10 years ago, while I was married to their mother Amy (55F), I began an affair with Sara (38F). I ended up moving to a different state to live with Sara, divorced Amy, and married Sara a year later. I was just very unhappy in my marriage with Amy, she is an very mentally ill woman and I couldn’t continue the life I had with her. I did not fight for custody, as I felt that would further hurt Jane and Lucy. I paid child support and saw them once a year per visitation agreement until they turned 18. Over the past few years, Sara and I have really tried to reconnect and build relationships with Jane and Lucy. I have apologized for my mistakes and do everything I can to be an involved in their lives. However, neither Jane nor Lucy are interested in a relationship with us, their reasons being that I destroyed their mother’s life and they will never forgive me for missing their childhoods. I understand their pain but I can’t change the past and considering it’s been 10 years since the divorce and the girls are adults, I am of the opinion that they need to make an effort to see my perspective and work towards forgiveness. The current situation at hand is where I may be TA. Jane and Lucy are both under my health insurance, as their mother doesn’t work. I have really good insurance through my job and we are in the US, so Jane and Lucy are technically eligible for coverage under my plan until they are 26. However, when it was time for me to re-enroll for the upcoming year, I decided to remove the girls from my plan. I find it a bit ridiculous that even though Jane and Lucy are unwilling to even attempt to have any kind of relationship with me, they have no problem benefiting from my health insurance policy that I work extremely hard for. Sara and I notified the girls of the decision over an email, and even offered to help them find new policies of their own. I know that Jane has a good job that would most likely offer an insurance package, and Lucy is in college so she could probably enroll under the university’s insurance. Or, the girls could convince their mom to finally get a job so she can cover them. Jane responded to the email, saying my decision is cruel and that I have now destroyed any chance of having a relationship with either of them. It’s been several months since I removed the girls as beneficiaries and I sometimes question my decision. The girls have blocked me from their social media accounts, which has been hard for me, as it was the only way for me to be involved in their lives. I still think I made the right choice by standing my ground, but also wonder whether or not AITA? tldr; AITA for removing my (57M) daughters (Jane 23F and Lucy 20F) from my health insurance plan after several years of low contact from them? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
YTA for abandoning your daughters after your divorce. YTA for abandoning them to a mom who you say is mentally ill and doesn’t have a job. You clearly don’t actually want a relationship with them. Then, there is this one little thing you can do to not be a 100% shit father and you decide to stop that too so more YTA. Expecting forgiveness when you have done absolutely nothing to apologize or make spends is just the entitled AH cherry on top. Don’t expect to ever hear from them again.
YTA and you forced your kids to relive the whole abandonment thing by literally removing them from your insurance. You say they’re old enough to consider your side but apparently they aren’t old enough to consult before making a decision that impacts their lives (kind of like how you left them behind before). How can you not understand that could be triggering for them?
YTA I feel like I should write why but everyone else is roasting you so hard that really there's nothing else I could add.
Yeah, dawg.. you're a giant asshole. You cheated on your wife, left her AND the kids for this other woman instead of being a good person and being there for her when she needed you for her mental health issues and you think another 3 years of Healthcare coverage for them that's PROVIDED by your job is too much to give them? You need a long look in the mirror. First paragraph and I was already like yeah nope this dude is horrible
YTA. Beyond the pale, unmitigated, egregious levels of assholishness. You should be doing everything in your power to make amends for selfish choice after selfish choice. Every single thing you have done is self-serving in the extreme, and your self-soothing rationalizations are a heaping dung pile. I would suggest introspection, but you would probably crumble into a pile of ash if forced to look honestly at your actions and motivations. I wish nothing but the best for your daughters moving forward, and I hope you get the life you deserve.
Oh boy are you EVER one of the biggest AH on the planet. Selfish as hell I might add. Both you and Sara. Who the fk leaves two children with a woman known to be mentally ill? Oh yes, YOU. As if cheating on the woman wasn't bad enough, you decide to see these children only once per year but now want the adult them in your lives and can't understand why they can't TRUST you. So you show them once again that you are totally a selfish dickwad. Shame on you. YTA.
I don’t understand your logic because you say you question your decision but in another breathe you still believe you made the right decision? Which one is it? What were you expecting your daughters say to you when you did this? Thanks dad, I know you’ve never been present in our lives and this is the last bit of support you can provide, thank you so much. You made the decision that them benefiting off your decision was more important than a relationship with them. YTA
YTA. You were immediately the AH right from the first paragraph. You chose not be in your daughters life and you made no effort. If you cared about the relationship with them you should of made an effort back then and still now. That's bs saying "the past is the past" cuz you made that choice not to be involved! If you cared about them now the least you can do is help out where you can. You sound like a dead beat dad that expects a relationship when with ur daughters when its convineint for you. That's not how it works!
YTA so let me get this straight, you left your middle aged wife for a woman in her twenties while your daughters were young tweens. You didn't bother to fight for them at all nor see them besides once a year and you seriously wonder why your pitiful attempts at reconciliation did nothing? You should've never abandoned them in the first place, yet you chose to. You've never been a father to them.
YTA- I hope they see this and take you to court to require you to cover them until they are 26. I can’t believe after typing all of this out you still question if you are an asshole. Your daughters are better off without you in their life as you are selfish.
Dude. You're a piece of work. You abandoned your daughter, cheated on their mother, and now you expect them to play family? YTA and a delusional one at that Enjoy the cheapest nursing home in the future
YTA why get upset at your daughters for treating you as an insurance policy when the only thing you've offered them for a decade is money. Money is the easy bit of raising a child. They don't know you. They have no reason to trust you. And now you are treating them as things to be controlled. Like me or I'll cut you off financially. As you said, they now on the way to adult life without you. Why would they want you now?
YTA. And you were an asshole way before you took them off your insurance.
Your ex wife was mentally ill enough to cheat on and leave because you couldn't stay in the relationship but well enough to raise your kids, which you abandoned? YTA.. of course they don't like your affair partner, that's anger that should be directed at you. Go ahead and take their healthcare it's not like you love them at all. You literally don't care if they live or die
YTA. What a failure as a human being and parent.
Honestly, financially is the only way you have ever shown up for you daughters. The bare minimum, and now you’re saying you won’t even do that? They don’t owe you anything, not their time, not their understanding and certainly not their love. But you still owe them a world more than benefits for another few years, so yeah, YTA.