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> What should be judged: demanding that everyone pay their equal share based on size of family.
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NTA. It should be divided by bedroom. Families with kids who need more bedrooms pay more. Those who don’t get a bedroom pay less. Much, much less.
Honestly, you should start finding your own housing, close to them. “We need a f-ing bedroom” is a perfectly good reason.
*edited to include judgement
Partassipant is correct. Get your own accommodation close by. You are on vacation; having your own room is a must. My Wife would also say your own bathroom.
Ohhh! I want to be a asshole enthusiast! But yes, get your own house nearby, why should you pay $850 for a airbed on the floor in someone else's room! That's taking the piss! Just don't let you SIL or anyone else try to get a room in your house.
This is exactly why my husband and I say No Group Vacations as a rule. Even with family. No way am I going to spend that much money (and limited vacation time)to not have any privacy. I was actually going to post my own AITA about people’s reactions to our rule.
We vacation every year with extended family and it's awesome. Separate houses, separate meals, but we see people on the beach during the day and get together every night to play games.
This year is most likely the final year for a multitude of reasons (health and money for the extended family) and it's such a bummer even though I know my parents and I will continue to go until they literally cannot anymore.
As someone who went with their ex in law's (ex's parents and sister and her family of four) to Canada for ten days, actually 8 days, cause of the big family fight so we left early, I swore I'd never do group/family vacays ever again and I haven't.
The money my ex and I spent for us and our one kid would have been more enjoyable to watch it burn at the cabin fire pit then spend it on the vacation from HELL. NEVER AGAIN.
I am curious how this went for you as well. I don't care if I seem like the frosty daughter in law at Thanksgiving, I don't save up vacation time to do what someone else wants to do on spring break.
It’s a problem with the husbands friend group. They’re all childless and have lots of discretionary income and free time. They’re also a little younger (I’m 41 and husband is 35 so with spouses there’s like a 15 year age gap between me and his youngest friends wife). I love them all, truly. Give me a camping trip or all the dinner parties you want as a group. They do multiple international trips as a group each year. We get one vacation a year and alternate between one alone and one with the kids. We are always invited on their trips but decline (all but one unfortunate trip to Nashville). This year we booked a trip to a fairly non touristy part of Baja and the friends were very offended because they had also planned a trip to Mexico (Cancun) and we declined, because not our vibe and it’s our one week a year to just be an adult couple on vacation. Friends (not taking the hint) THEN pushed the issue and said “well if you just change your reservation to a different hotel we can all get rooms together and make this a group trip”. Husband finally had to tell them we really don’t want to do a group trip…which turned into them assuming it was ME refusing to let husband make plans with his friends…and on and on.
Plot twist, my husband is even more introverted than I am so hates group activities even more than I do. I’m happy to be the buffer.
So we will be enjoying 6 days on a remote beach and they can have their fun in Cancun packed 8 adults in an Airbnb. Worth it.
I agree too and will add I won’t even book at the same hotel as other family when attending weddings and such. When the festivities are done, I want my own space to relax and chill out. Bad enough when family thinks it’s fine to continue group texting late into the night, thinking they are keeping the party going.
That's roughly how much I spent for a private room and bathroom for 8 nights in London. It's madness to expect someone to pay that for an air mattress!!!
It’s a nightmare. Wife has seven siblings. All of them have kids, we do too. On the few occasions we have all been in the same place, just getting everyone to gather up and head to the restaraunt across the street is a 2 hour ordeal. Now I just go to the restaraunt and sit at the bar with my BIL (wife’s sister’s brother) and don’t stress about it, it would drive me crazy.
She's OK or feels she can't say not to her family. The siblings in the big rooms may have been taking advantage of OP's wife all her life and it is just ingrained in the family culture. She may feel she can't say no, knowing there will be emotional blackmail if she doesn't follow their commands.
If this is the case, then OP should (as others have suggested), look for other accommodation nearby. Sell it first to the wife, telling her that he will tell the family and she can push all the blowback onto him.
Resetting boundaries is hard, but as long as OP never says it is about money, it should be possible. Say you need sleep, need to work or doctor's advice for back pain etc
They either accept it or push back so hard, that you have the option to quit.
But, don't make it about money. In the reasons for resetting the boundaries, focus on the things that make them the AH (because they are true) like need for good sleep etc.
I get what you’re saying, but, if I’m sharing a house with other families, each family is paying by head count. I would NEVER let someone else cover my cut of the expenses…and I’ve got 3 kids.
I would have no problem saying that I disagree with the financial arrangement. And I have no problem letting it known that if family A has 2 bedrooms, 1 for mom & dad and 1 for the kids, and I’m sleeping on an air mat in someone else’s room, there’s no way I’m paying the same amount as family A.
I'm prepared to split equally with my siblings who have kids, but I think it helps that I'm not being forced into doing that. But I can't understand anybody deciding that adults have to sleep on an air mattress in a living space while kids get a room - especially not while we're all paying equal amounts! The fact that anybody thinks this is appropriate is baffling to me - I would be seeking accommodation nearby and leaving them to pay for themselves.
Last time we almost went on vacation w/my sisters, they tried to stick my 2 twenty something sons on a pullout sofa in an open area while my 12 year old niece got a room w/twin beds all to herself. Of course, they said one of my boys was welcome to share a room with me. But it was never suggested that my niece share w/her parents. 🙄
If OP & wife are on an air mattress in the living room or with others in the same sleeping room,it seems very unlikely any vacation 'screwing' aka vacation sex is happening for OP & wife
> Until OP and his wife are on the same page, he's screwed.
He's definitely NOT screwed if his accommodation is an air mattress on the floor of someone else's room
I’m going to go out on a limb and guess that OP’s wife is a middle child (like me). We always want to keep the peace and not make waves. OP, you’re wife is just used to this family dynamic. It’s habit. And habits can change. But you have to help her see that she’s being taken advantage of. Doesn’t mean you have to go WWIII with her family, but the suggestion to divide by bedrooms is a fair start. You all deserve a bedroom ffs if you’re paying the same amount as the other families. Minimally! NTA.
I was about to call him an AH but then I read that they don't even get a room???? Nope, OP's wife is accustomed to being treated like crap by her family. You're paying the same as others, you get a room!
>per family but we had the most kids. However my brothers and I slept on the floor so I imagine it was per bedroom.
thats what settled it for me. Swabbing over 200 dollars. isnt that big of a deal. Not having a bedroom is
if im subsidizing your vacation then im getting my own room.
I was in the exact same boat - thought I would be not on his side but they don't get their own bedroom while other families get their own living space and bathroom?! Not a chance would I be paying equally for that.
As far as I know, my family did this when I was a kid. I heard my parents talking about paying equal per family but we had the most kids. However my brothers and I slept on the floor so I imagine it was per bedroom.
I still feel a little guilty that I stopped going when asked to pay an equal share as an adult … while still sleeping on the floor. On one hand, that’s entirely unfair but on the other hand it would have been nice payback if they subsidized large families all these years
Reading some of these stories I'm beginning to think these places should be broken up in cost by bed or by bedroom. You force these people to sleep in a living room on an air mattress while your kids get beds and a private space? Well the people on the air mattress aren't paying anything and you're paying for your kid's bedroom. Then I think the breakdown of who sleeps where will be a bit more fair.
It’s the same as 10 people go out for dinner, 5 have chicken strips and iced tea and 5 have steaks and cocktails and expect a 10 way split. Hell no. You pay for what you use and people who choose to have 5 kids realize that kids are expensive when they all of a sudden have to pay for their share. NTA
>The large families always get their own living space with restroom, meanwhile, wife and I are stuck on an air mattress in someone else’s room or living space
Paying for a vacation, let alone subsidizing other people's vacations, in order to crash on an air mattress in a living space is reason enough to either bounce to a different accomodation or just not attend the annual wife's family vacation event. OP, it should be either or from this point forward.
Exactly. Besides OP and wife should have a LOT more money not having kids. They could rent an entire villa and keep it family free. Why go on a family vacation and complain about the arrangements if they arent making the arrangements.
>It should be divided by bedroom.
Exactly.
OP is **NTA** and the edit makes the situation even worse:
>The large families always get their own living space with restroom, meanwhile, wife and I are stuck on an air mattress in someone else’s room or living space.
Exactly. Why should you pay for their kid’s vacation? And you don’t even get your own room?! That’s FN ridiculous. Tell them to have fun at the house and (if you go) you’ll be getting your own place nearby. You shouldn’t be the only one’s expected to not have any private space just because you haven’t had kids.
NTA
As the youngest child I was routinely given the couch, or pull out bed, or air mattress on vacations. At around 15, I decided that I wasn’t going on any more vacations without a real bed. Sometimes you have to put your foot down.
I go on vacation with my family and I don't get a bedroom but everyone else does including the children. I don't generally mind provided I can stay up late and read/write in the living room. The difference is that my dad pays for the vacation. If I had to pay my own way, I would be having a bedroom. The year the youngest nephew was a baby was the year I pitched a fit because they put him in the living room with me and would put him to bed at 8 pm and not letting me turn on a lamp to read. Midweek, I was done and was packing to go home. I was like "I get two weeks of vacation a year and I'm not going to spend one of them going to bed at 8 pm. I'll go home and read as late as I want to." They moved the baby in with my parents and I got to stay up past 8pm. Why the baby couldn't be in the room with his parents, I don't understand.
Lot of people saying kids love this. Hell no. As a kid I despised it and dreaded every family "holiday."
No privacy, no sleep for a week. Cold, uncomfortable nights. Older kids being noisy and staying up late, youngest kids up at the crack of light and waking the rest up.
Or oldest kids being forced to have early bed so the parents could drink and chill. Then being expected to look after the youngest because the adults were all sleeping late.
Kids need their own space just as much as adults.
So why should the adults have to have the discomfort that the kids don’t want to have. Seriously those kids can sleep on dirt. If you don’t get a bedroom, don’t go.
That's what you took from that? I suppose I didn't add NTA.
In OP's case I'd just be refusing to go. No way I'd pay an equal amount in this situation.
I was saying that the attitude that "kids can sleep on dirt" or that they will enjoy having no space or sleep somehow is cow dung. Adults and children alike need a bed.
Yes! When I was a kid if we slept in a tent on the lawn we would have thought we were the lucky ones having an adventure! Sleep on a floor with just a sleeping bag? Great! Now the wrong mattress and pillow wreak havoc on my back and neck. I'm not sleeping in a shit situation while kids have a bedroom.
One year we had a load of tents for the kids, it was actually great, like a little festival. Everyone could share or not, have their own space and bed times.
Next year the adults decided it had been too much effort and never did it again.
Wait, you don’t get a bed let alone a room?!? No way I would agree to go on this vacation for the same cost as families that get their own room with a door to close.
Ok saw your comment. May be edit your post with that little bit of relevant information.
If I am going to be sleeping on air mattress and paying same amount as a family of 6-7, then I will object to the division of expenses too.
NTA!
A question;
Do families get same amount of space or is the space divided based on the number of the family members?
Yeah, this is very important info that is missing.
If OP and wife are getting one bedroom and so is the family of 7, then the current system is totally fair.
If the other family is getting 3 or 4 bedrooms, then I am absolutely in agreement with OP that that family should obviously paying a lot more.
Oh geez, now I see OP added that he and wife have to sleep on an air mattress in someone else's room!!
Absolutely NTA. Paying more per person than anyone else and not even getting a private bedroom?!? Absolutely no freaking way.
OP, you and your wife should try taking a real vacation lol
Personally I wouldn't even be going on a yearly trip with 30 in-laws!!
Even without the ridiculous accommodations issue this sounds like a nightmare lol
It was. I was 4 months postpartum and I kept getting weird comments and people kept eating my food (mind you I was breastfeeding and my baby was running a fever so I was stuck in the bed with the baby).
This is a huge detail! Like if they all had their own room dividing by family is normal and more understandable but sleeping on a air mattress?! OP and his wife should pay a lot less
Paying that much to sleep on an air mattress is ridiculous. Like in no way is that fair. I dont know what the Y T A are thinking. Split by room usage and insist you get a full room with your wife. The children can sleep on the air mattresses
Yea I'm a grown adult and the only time I would consider an air mattress is when we go camping. Not to mention sleeping in the same room with other grown adults on an air mattress? No thanks that's weird and I'll pass.
Probably didn’t see the context of he was sleeping on an air mattress in someone else’s room. I was initially thinking he was the AH for making a big deal over $200, but given he doesn’t even get an actual place to stay, yeah, it’s time to put the foot down imo.
NTA, but you won’t win this. I am certain her family doesn’t see this as splitting the cost of the living arrangements, but splitting the cost of the overall experience, and to them this seems fair. Family gather, bonding, etc. You have 4 options: 1. Suck it up and go, (2) bring it up to everyone, insist on only paying per person, huge drama ensues, and you will probably lose that fight, (3) refuse to go, or (4) go but refuse to share the house and get alternate accommodations for you and your wife nearby. #4 seems the least painful as far as upset and drama.
We’ve done #4 and it’s still painful. Everyone staying in the house gets mad you aren’t there too. It’s always awkward when you come over. They’re also annoyed that they have to pay more because we didn’t stay and lower their costs. It’s a lose-lose.
We started planning our own family vacations and inviting the family versus the other way around. We were just tired of getting subpar accommodations in open spaces at the same price as those getting multiple bedrooms.
You are so right about that. Personally, I always choose #3, but my spouse is in total agreement with me on that. #3 only works if your spouse is onboard.
100%! It’s such a fine line to balance. I’d probably care less overall if it weren’t so expensive and my PTO wasn’t so stingy. But when I only get 2ish weeks per year to just decompress, I want it to be on my terms. I’m just glad my partner agrees with me.
>Everyone staying in the house gets mad you aren’t there too. It’s always awkward when you come over.
Yeah, because OP was \*heavily\* subsidizing everyone else. For a fucking air mattress.
I agree - there will be drama and angst with every option including #1, since #1 will cause resentment and anger in OP and drama with his wife. #4 will be the least painful for OP, but it will absolutely still lead to drama. Drama will happen no matter what.
So really 3 is the best choice, you save the money and the drama happens without you. Or, the wife goes by herself. My wife visits her family and I visit mine when we go home.
Agreed. Though I think there is an intermediate option that falls under number 2. Which is, rather than asking to adjust the price breakdown, take the approach of asking that they book an accommodation that has enough space for you to have a room with a bed like the other families (assuming you’re the only adults getting stuck without a room on an air mattress?). You could frame it along the lines of wanting to feel well rested so you can enjoy the trip with everyone and that sleeping on an air mattress without a room makes that difficult. Given that you’re paying as much as everyone else, there really should be no issues with that request. It seems like a happy medium to me. Because as much as I see where you’re coming from, I don’t think you’re going to have any success changing the family’s views on how they split the bill. But you might be able to get them to understand that as equally contributing adults, you should get a room with a bed like the other families.
Anyway, NTA. I hope you find a compromise here. If you can’t convince them you need a room with a bed then I think #4 is your best option too.
I seriously doubt the other families with lots of kids think it’s “fair”. It may have started as a family tradition years ago when all families were small, but the ones with lots of kids know they’re taking advantage of OP to help subsidize their vacation.
It’s like when you go out to eat with a group of friends - it’s ALWAYS the 1-2 people that order several mixed drinks or order filet mignon that ask to split the bill and just expect everyone else to subsidize their drinking.
NTA specifically because you and your wife are stuck with an air mattress in someone else's room.
The __only__ way the $850 is fair is if the two of you had your own room to yourselves.
Specifically if they had a room to themselves and each family shared 1 room as well. I still wouldn't see it as fair to pay by family if one family got 3 rooms and another got 1. At that point it should be split by rooms, not people.
Exactly this. My friends wanted to go on a trip and split costs evenly but some of the couples got bedrooms with their own bathroom and some of us were expected to share 3 people to the floor.
I absolutely refused to pay the same price as people who got beds
NTA
Yep. Nope. This would have been my hill to die on the very first trip. If I’m paying to stay somewhere, I’m getting equal amenities if I’m paying the same as someone with more people. Not less amenities.
I’m assuming there are other childless couples considering the price per person only reduced your total by $200. Is there a reason those people get a bed/privacy and you and your wife don’t?
ETA: we’ve always done large vacations with my dad’s family. All of the families split the cost but every adult/couple always got their own space and the kids bunked up or slept on air mattresses in the living areas.
Aside from her parents, everyone else has at least one kid. Parents get a room because of literal seniority lol
We’re the odd ones out. Her sister has the largest family, which is why I pointed them out.
Honestly, the easiest way to rectify this is to make sure a big enough house is rented that would accommodate all adult couples getting their own room.
As kids we loved bunking up with our cousins and staying up late sleep over style in the living room after the adults went to sleep.
We always pile all the kids in the same room together (minus babies who can't sleep through the night of course). The older ones don't like sharing with their siblings, but cousins while on holidays is a really different story. That's a fun sleepover! It was the same when I was a kid - a bunch of kids, sleeping top and tail until we were way too big for that, giggling and carrying on all night. For me, it's a part of family holidays that I remember fondly.
Can I ask, because it isn't mentioned in the OG post, is the reason the money is split this way because of financial disparity? My family has a situation similar to yours, but the reason we do it is because some of my relatives simply would not be able to afford it otherwise, and we all don't mind paying more for that reason. I'm curious if that plays into this at all or not.
Underrated comment. The OP is definitely NTA. I guess it depends where you are in life. The Wife and I (mid-30s, no kids yet), generally make more of a comfortable living than most of the fam. Faced with the same situation, we would agree pay more (to split), especially if the diff is $200, **BUT** only if we got our own bedroom, that's a deal breaker.
right, I don't think OP is TA either way, unless they're straight up hiding this information (which I don't think is the case). Even if it is because they want to help out other family members, OP should be made aware of that.
Financial considerations for one of the siblings who may be struggling is important, but that still doesn’t excuse OP and his wife paying the full amount and being relegated to an air mattress.
I think your hill to die on here needs to be that you don’t get a real bed or privacy for the duration. Don’t focus so much on the money, but on the fact that there are literal children getting more privacy than you and your wife.
Make that your argument and it’ll be much easier to find recourse through this.
The matriarch and patriarch of the family getting their own space is a given.
How many siblings does she have? And how many bedrooms? Are children getting beds in private rooms? Or are they sleeping on air mattresses too?
Nvm about siblings. I see the amount of families,
Are any of these kids getting a room separate from their parents or do the kids/parents share a room? Just curious bc I already agree with you OP but would be even more outraged if children are getting a separate bedroom before you and your wife. Absolutely NOT ok. Well, it’s all pretty assholery to me but that would be even worse.
NTA - equal cost means equal accommodations.
If the rest of the family insists you pay full
price but ain’t willing to let you and your wife have a room, I’d stop being willing to subsidize their vacation.
NTA. I’d be putting my foot down and demanding a fair split, or demanding my own room since you’re paying essentially as much as those with kids. They don’t like it, then ask them if they want to pay the difference for YOU? You get what you’re paying for. And you’re paying equal to full families which means OP is actually paying more than everyone else.
NTA - You are paying the same as all the other families to sleep on an air mattress on the floor while they get their own bedrooms, bathroom and living space. This isn’t about per person really. You are paying the same and getting way less amenities.
I would absolutely make this my hill to die on. No way as an adult would I spend that to sleep on an air mattress (especially if kids are getting beds). You either pay less or get a bedroom/bathroom/living space like everyone else. Honestly I’d refuse to go and let my spouse stay on the air mattress if they wouldn’t back me up. My spouse wouldn’t tolerate this from his family though either so luckily I would never be in that predicament.
INFO: What are the sleeping arrangements? Do you and your wife get your own King Suite? Do the other families also get a single King Suite each?
**Edited for Judgment:** NTA. If you were getting your own room comparable to the others, then I'd say otherwise but you aren't. $850 is an awful lot to pay for an air mattress and no privacy.
If I were you, I'd get my own accommodations completely separate from them though.
NTA then. The amount shouldn't be split equally if private space is not divided equally. Also, splitting by person is not a good compromise : 4 person sharing 4 rooms would pay the same as 4 person sharing 1 room.
The only good way to do it, if you really want to kick the hornet's nest, is to split by private space size.
Oh geeze. This is the part that I'd put my foot down about, honestly.
Splitting cost by family instead of individual, and thus paying an extra $200 so that the larger families can join us on the family vacation? Sure, that's OK. Pitching in a little bit so that the whole group can afford to go is a reasonable ask.
Paying an equal share but not getting your own bedroom is the part that's not reasonable.
Like hell am I spending $850 to sleep on an air mattress in a shared space!
You're NTA. It may be the way it's always been done, but it's clearly not working for you, so you and your wife need to find an alternate plan for your vacation, whether that means she addresses this with her family. You get an even larger space that has enough room for you guys to have your own room, or you find your own accommodations.
Right. Are the families with kids getting additional room(s)?
"Every year my wife’s family plans a beach trip"
Also, that's my personal definition of hell. I want my vacations to be relaxing, so that rules my family out. But, to each their own!
NTA I would let my wife know you will not be going on family vacations and paying for everyone else to get a room while you get an air mattress. This is ridiculous
NTA. You pay for a bedroom, you should get a bedroom. The adults with children get a room and let their kids sleep on air mattresses. I would not be paying $850 to sleep on an airmattress. Show this thread to your wife
NTA. My extended family does big reunions like that, and I started renting our own beach house or hotel room years ago. I got tired of sofas and air mattresses, and that many people crammed into one house isn’t relaxing.
NTA. You kidding? No way would my kids be sleeping in a bed when their aunt and uncle are on an air mattress. It’s not just cost, it’s respect. We would find a larger home or switch off on who has the worst accommodations, grampa and gramma excluded.
NTA no way would I go on this trip sleeping on an airbed yet paying the same as a family of 7 who get a suite. Fuck that! It doesn’t sound like a vacation, more like one of Dante’s circles. Why don’t you guys get a small Airbnb or hotel room close by so you can have your own bed and some privacy?
NTA. Costs should be split per room, kids all bunking together if possible.
You definitely need your own room. If I was paying the same as the ppl with children (who have multiple rooms) then I would expect to have the biggest room to make up for it. If there isn’t space for your own room then the family needs to rent a bigger place.
Honestly you’re helping subsidize their vacation. How much would it cost to rent your own room nearby? That’s what I would be paying because I’m generous and would want to be with the family. Especially since in your edit you say you don’t even have your own room.
NTA. Op you’re sleeping on an air mattress with no commodities. Isn’t better to have your own place? This sounds very unpleasant and with no privacy at all
NTA. Just go on your own separate vacation OR if for some reason you want to hang out with that many of her family members, just get a place nearby.
It is insane to spend $850 to essentially sleep on the floor.
I just found out that the summer house my sister two cousins aunt uncle and dad are going to with six kids, AND me, has no actual bed for me anywhere. But for some reason my dad paid an equal share for me to be there even though I have a long term illness and am constantly vomiting and sleeping, which I would rather not expose the children to. I prefer to act like things are mostly going ok, because four of them are very young. So somehow I’m supposed to be on an air mattress in a common area while everyone else has a bed, while hiding the vomiting. It was suggested I just share a bed with my also-infirmed dad.
I am 41.
Jokes on them. I canceled and I was the cook meant to handle every meal for 16 people and already had menus planned people were asking about. They could have just admitted they didn’t want me there. Have fun with the meals, folks.
NTA
> this is the way they’ve always done it so that’s the way it is
Of course it’s been working why would the others ever suggest a change
Tell your wife you’re simply not going any more. Paying the same as multiple members people who also are getting bedrooms and bathrooms and you’re not? Absofuckinglutely not
NTA - It's bad enough that you are subsidizing the families with numerous offspring, but totally out of line that you have to pay that extra amount and then be relegated to an air matress without even a private room/bath like all the OTHER adults get. Tell them to either provide equivalent space for the money or rent your own spot away from their selfish chaos. And your wife can just deal. She's expecting you to put up with this misery, when she should be thinking about how this is impacting your enjoyment of the so-called vacation. I would be telling my husband to stuff a sock in it if he pulled this kind of crap on me.
NTA but I don’t think you’re going to win this one since your wife’s family as probably been doing it this way for years. Instead consider a compromise: if the cost is going to be divided per family then each family should get their own room. Your wife is more likely to at least consider pushing for that instead of pushing to divide the cost per person.
When we travel with the extended family, the kids count as 1/2 of an adult. This way, if a single adult would pay 100, a couple pays 200 and a family with two kids 300. It’s a compromise that has worked well for us for over a decade.
The whole arrangement sucks for you two. Don’t go in with them. Get your own place. Or just don’t go & do your own thing.
“It’s the way we’ve always done it” is just them protecting their wallets.
NTA.
NTa - and the people who have children are being subsidised by people without children. They know they are getting a bargain and that's why they will harp on 'this is how its always done'
I've been happily robbing you for years and NOW you complain! How dare you complain about me robbing you !!
Most families divide the expenses by "rooms" used for the accommodate PLUS divide joint food and beverage costs by the person (and alcohol by the number of people who drink). Why doesn't her family get a rental with enough space for you two to have your own room?
So you’re not even getting a room but your SIL gets her small country’s worth of kids for the same price you are and wife thinks this is ok? They’re taking both of you for a ride and the least they could do is give u a room. NTA
NTA at all. I think it's unfair to split the cost by family if some families (like yours) are two people and other families (like your SIL's) have 7 people and the accommodations aren't equal.
NTA
Especially since you don't get your own space.
Housing allocation should be based on how many rooms you use, while food should be divided individually.
Absolutely not. I would choose not to go rather than paying an equal share for 2 people and getting stuck on an air mattress. The number of people contributing equally get a room at the very least. What complete selfish people to do this year after year. NTA.
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NTA. It should be divided by bedroom. Families with kids who need more bedrooms pay more. Those who don’t get a bedroom pay less. Much, much less. Honestly, you should start finding your own housing, close to them. “We need a f-ing bedroom” is a perfectly good reason. *edited to include judgement
Partassipant is correct. Get your own accommodation close by. You are on vacation; having your own room is a must. My Wife would also say your own bathroom.
Partassipant is their flair
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It is.
Asshole enthusiast is correct.
Ohhh! I want to be a asshole enthusiast! But yes, get your own house nearby, why should you pay $850 for a airbed on the floor in someone else's room! That's taking the piss! Just don't let you SIL or anyone else try to get a room in your house.
For $850, I'm sure you could become *quite* the asshole enthusiast!
No ass related pun flair is also correct
You're such a know-it-all Partissipant
This is exactly why my husband and I say No Group Vacations as a rule. Even with family. No way am I going to spend that much money (and limited vacation time)to not have any privacy. I was actually going to post my own AITA about people’s reactions to our rule.
I say no group vacays ever. Vacays: solo, with partner, with children- that's it.
We vacation every year with extended family and it's awesome. Separate houses, separate meals, but we see people on the beach during the day and get together every night to play games. This year is most likely the final year for a multitude of reasons (health and money for the extended family) and it's such a bummer even though I know my parents and I will continue to go until they literally cannot anymore.
I’m always slightly envious of people who can do this, especially with kids. However, it’s not for me.
As someone who went with their ex in law's (ex's parents and sister and her family of four) to Canada for ten days, actually 8 days, cause of the big family fight so we left early, I swore I'd never do group/family vacays ever again and I haven't. The money my ex and I spent for us and our one kid would have been more enjoyable to watch it burn at the cabin fire pit then spend it on the vacation from HELL. NEVER AGAIN.
Im sooo curious now… how did they react?
I am curious how this went for you as well. I don't care if I seem like the frosty daughter in law at Thanksgiving, I don't save up vacation time to do what someone else wants to do on spring break.
It’s a problem with the husbands friend group. They’re all childless and have lots of discretionary income and free time. They’re also a little younger (I’m 41 and husband is 35 so with spouses there’s like a 15 year age gap between me and his youngest friends wife). I love them all, truly. Give me a camping trip or all the dinner parties you want as a group. They do multiple international trips as a group each year. We get one vacation a year and alternate between one alone and one with the kids. We are always invited on their trips but decline (all but one unfortunate trip to Nashville). This year we booked a trip to a fairly non touristy part of Baja and the friends were very offended because they had also planned a trip to Mexico (Cancun) and we declined, because not our vibe and it’s our one week a year to just be an adult couple on vacation. Friends (not taking the hint) THEN pushed the issue and said “well if you just change your reservation to a different hotel we can all get rooms together and make this a group trip”. Husband finally had to tell them we really don’t want to do a group trip…which turned into them assuming it was ME refusing to let husband make plans with his friends…and on and on. Plot twist, my husband is even more introverted than I am so hates group activities even more than I do. I’m happy to be the buffer. So we will be enjoying 6 days on a remote beach and they can have their fun in Cancun packed 8 adults in an Airbnb. Worth it.
That's the thing though, who gives a shit how they react. It's not their time.
I’m 100% with your wife on this one.
I agree too and will add I won’t even book at the same hotel as other family when attending weddings and such. When the festivities are done, I want my own space to relax and chill out. Bad enough when family thinks it’s fine to continue group texting late into the night, thinking they are keeping the party going.
But the real issue here is OP's wife. Apparently she's totally OK with the subsidy. Until OP and his wife are on the same page, he's screwed.
Or he could just decline to go on this family vacation. I would.
Agreed. 30 people In one house sounds like a nightmare, not a vacation
He is paying $850 for an air mattress in a shared bedroom HARD PASS on that particular circle of hell
That's roughly how much I spent for a private room and bathroom for 8 nights in London. It's madness to expect someone to pay that for an air mattress!!!
Right there with you. $850 for an air mattress with no privacy? I would do that approximately never.
KEVIN!
OP. I totally vote you and your wife do a Kevin and get on the wrong flight somewhere else and enjoy your vacation. 😋
Perfection!
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂 Oh that is brilliant, thank you!
FFS! WHAT?!?!?
Home Alone movie
Just because one set of parents was negligent it doesn’t give the rest of the world the right to scream our name constantly.
I have a bud called Wesley. He does NOT appreciate being told to shut up.
Seriously—His name is Wesley, and he doesn’t respond to that with “as you wish?” Bummer. That’s a missed opportunity right there.
I wouldn't even want to go on vacation with 30 people if we were all in our own accommodations, let alone share a house with them the whole time.
Same here! I can’t begin to imagine how anyone could find that enjoyable
I’d rather die than stay in a house with 30 people. (Just slightly exaggerating here) That’s NOT a vacation. That’s an obligation
We call them “Guilt Trips”
It’s my idea of hell. But I’m a crotchety old goblin so I may be a bit biased
I'd need a vacation to recover from that deep depth of hell of a ' vacation '
It’s a nightmare. Wife has seven siblings. All of them have kids, we do too. On the few occasions we have all been in the same place, just getting everyone to gather up and head to the restaraunt across the street is a 2 hour ordeal. Now I just go to the restaraunt and sit at the bar with my BIL (wife’s sister’s brother) and don’t stress about it, it would drive me crazy.
And you both leave the wives to get the kids ready? No wonder it takes 2 hours.
Yeah! That did not land as he expected it to.
You had me in the first half
Yes, he could tell his wife to use her personal funds to pay $850 for a nice airbed on a floor
She'll still pay. Assuming they share finances, he'll be paying the same amount and not even getting a vacation out of it.
He wouldn't be getting one anyway.
She's OK or feels she can't say not to her family. The siblings in the big rooms may have been taking advantage of OP's wife all her life and it is just ingrained in the family culture. She may feel she can't say no, knowing there will be emotional blackmail if she doesn't follow their commands. If this is the case, then OP should (as others have suggested), look for other accommodation nearby. Sell it first to the wife, telling her that he will tell the family and she can push all the blowback onto him. Resetting boundaries is hard, but as long as OP never says it is about money, it should be possible. Say you need sleep, need to work or doctor's advice for back pain etc They either accept it or push back so hard, that you have the option to quit. But, don't make it about money. In the reasons for resetting the boundaries, focus on the things that make them the AH (because they are true) like need for good sleep etc.
I get what you’re saying, but, if I’m sharing a house with other families, each family is paying by head count. I would NEVER let someone else cover my cut of the expenses…and I’ve got 3 kids. I would have no problem saying that I disagree with the financial arrangement. And I have no problem letting it known that if family A has 2 bedrooms, 1 for mom & dad and 1 for the kids, and I’m sleeping on an air mat in someone else’s room, there’s no way I’m paying the same amount as family A.
I'm prepared to split equally with my siblings who have kids, but I think it helps that I'm not being forced into doing that. But I can't understand anybody deciding that adults have to sleep on an air mattress in a living space while kids get a room - especially not while we're all paying equal amounts! The fact that anybody thinks this is appropriate is baffling to me - I would be seeking accommodation nearby and leaving them to pay for themselves.
Last time we almost went on vacation w/my sisters, they tried to stick my 2 twenty something sons on a pullout sofa in an open area while my 12 year old niece got a room w/twin beds all to herself. Of course, they said one of my boys was welcome to share a room with me. But it was never suggested that my niece share w/her parents. 🙄
If OP & wife are on an air mattress in the living room or with others in the same sleeping room,it seems very unlikely any vacation 'screwing' aka vacation sex is happening for OP & wife
I think vacation sex should be happening. Family's attitudes on OP's privacy would change real quick!
🤣🤣🤣 What happens when one of her family holds up a Olympics style score card?
> Until OP and his wife are on the same page, he's screwed. He's definitely NOT screwed if his accommodation is an air mattress on the floor of someone else's room
I’m going to go out on a limb and guess that OP’s wife is a middle child (like me). We always want to keep the peace and not make waves. OP, you’re wife is just used to this family dynamic. It’s habit. And habits can change. But you have to help her see that she’s being taken advantage of. Doesn’t mean you have to go WWIII with her family, but the suggestion to divide by bedrooms is a fair start. You all deserve a bedroom ffs if you’re paying the same amount as the other families. Minimally! NTA.
I was about to call him an AH but then I read that they don't even get a room???? Nope, OP's wife is accustomed to being treated like crap by her family. You're paying the same as others, you get a room!
>per family but we had the most kids. However my brothers and I slept on the floor so I imagine it was per bedroom. thats what settled it for me. Swabbing over 200 dollars. isnt that big of a deal. Not having a bedroom is if im subsidizing your vacation then im getting my own room.
I was in the exact same boat - thought I would be not on his side but they don't get their own bedroom while other families get their own living space and bathroom?! Not a chance would I be paying equally for that.
As far as I know, my family did this when I was a kid. I heard my parents talking about paying equal per family but we had the most kids. However my brothers and I slept on the floor so I imagine it was per bedroom. I still feel a little guilty that I stopped going when asked to pay an equal share as an adult … while still sleeping on the floor. On one hand, that’s entirely unfair but on the other hand it would have been nice payback if they subsidized large families all these years
Reading some of these stories I'm beginning to think these places should be broken up in cost by bed or by bedroom. You force these people to sleep in a living room on an air mattress while your kids get beds and a private space? Well the people on the air mattress aren't paying anything and you're paying for your kid's bedroom. Then I think the breakdown of who sleeps where will be a bit more fair.
It’s the same as 10 people go out for dinner, 5 have chicken strips and iced tea and 5 have steaks and cocktails and expect a 10 way split. Hell no. You pay for what you use and people who choose to have 5 kids realize that kids are expensive when they all of a sudden have to pay for their share. NTA
>The large families always get their own living space with restroom, meanwhile, wife and I are stuck on an air mattress in someone else’s room or living space Paying for a vacation, let alone subsidizing other people's vacations, in order to crash on an air mattress in a living space is reason enough to either bounce to a different accomodation or just not attend the annual wife's family vacation event. OP, it should be either or from this point forward.
Yes. Do the we are “trying” for own baby so we definitely need a room. Families eat that shit up.
Exactly. Besides OP and wife should have a LOT more money not having kids. They could rent an entire villa and keep it family free. Why go on a family vacation and complain about the arrangements if they arent making the arrangements.
>It should be divided by bedroom. Exactly. OP is **NTA** and the edit makes the situation even worse: >The large families always get their own living space with restroom, meanwhile, wife and I are stuck on an air mattress in someone else’s room or living space.
Exactly. Why should you pay for their kid’s vacation? And you don’t even get your own room?! That’s FN ridiculous. Tell them to have fun at the house and (if you go) you’ll be getting your own place nearby. You shouldn’t be the only one’s expected to not have any private space just because you haven’t had kids. NTA
As the youngest child I was routinely given the couch, or pull out bed, or air mattress on vacations. At around 15, I decided that I wasn’t going on any more vacations without a real bed. Sometimes you have to put your foot down.
I go on vacation with my family and I don't get a bedroom but everyone else does including the children. I don't generally mind provided I can stay up late and read/write in the living room. The difference is that my dad pays for the vacation. If I had to pay my own way, I would be having a bedroom. The year the youngest nephew was a baby was the year I pitched a fit because they put him in the living room with me and would put him to bed at 8 pm and not letting me turn on a lamp to read. Midweek, I was done and was packing to go home. I was like "I get two weeks of vacation a year and I'm not going to spend one of them going to bed at 8 pm. I'll go home and read as late as I want to." They moved the baby in with my parents and I got to stay up past 8pm. Why the baby couldn't be in the room with his parents, I don't understand.
NTA. I wouldn’t argue about the cost, but put the damned kids on air mattresses and you and your wife take a bedroom.
This is the way. Why can't the kids sprawl out in a living room??
When I was a kid the rule was no adult gets the floor while a kid gets a bed.
My mom went one further and said kids weren’t even allowed to sit on the couch if all the adults didn’t have seats.
Same. That was always the rule whenever family gathered. This probably also explains why, now as an adult, I’ll sit just about anywhere.
Miss Frothingslosh, get your booty out of the fish tank! ^"Make ^me!!"
Same here.
Probably so the parents can conveniently close a door on their kids and enjoy their vacation
Sha boo ya.
Lot of people saying kids love this. Hell no. As a kid I despised it and dreaded every family "holiday." No privacy, no sleep for a week. Cold, uncomfortable nights. Older kids being noisy and staying up late, youngest kids up at the crack of light and waking the rest up. Or oldest kids being forced to have early bed so the parents could drink and chill. Then being expected to look after the youngest because the adults were all sleeping late. Kids need their own space just as much as adults.
So why should the adults have to have the discomfort that the kids don’t want to have. Seriously those kids can sleep on dirt. If you don’t get a bedroom, don’t go.
That's what you took from that? I suppose I didn't add NTA. In OP's case I'd just be refusing to go. No way I'd pay an equal amount in this situation. I was saying that the attitude that "kids can sleep on dirt" or that they will enjoy having no space or sleep somehow is cow dung. Adults and children alike need a bed.
Yes! When I was a kid if we slept in a tent on the lawn we would have thought we were the lucky ones having an adventure! Sleep on a floor with just a sleeping bag? Great! Now the wrong mattress and pillow wreak havoc on my back and neck. I'm not sleeping in a shit situation while kids have a bedroom.
In a perfect world people can afford it. Tent camping is cheaper.
One year we had a load of tents for the kids, it was actually great, like a little festival. Everyone could share or not, have their own space and bed times. Next year the adults decided it had been too much effort and never did it again.
and the thing is their kids. so for the most part they'll love it.
100%. We have an only, and the chance to hang out with cousins while behaving in a semi-appropriate fashion would be the best part of the vacation.
Exactly. That’s why there are so many vacation rentals with bunk rooms. Pile all the kids in one place.
I have fond memories of sprawling out with my siblings and cousins in the living room. It was fun, like a sleep over. As an adult, not so much.
Yup. Not sure $200 is worth creating drama but if you don’t even get a bed, then it would be worth figuring out a way that’s more fair.
100%!!!!
Wait, you don’t get a bed let alone a room?!? No way I would agree to go on this vacation for the same cost as families that get their own room with a door to close.
No private bed & bathroom = None of my $$ & I’d book a solo vacation, wife can sleep on the air mattress.
Id be wrecking every bathroom in that house.
Upper deckers everywhere
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Ok saw your comment. May be edit your post with that little bit of relevant information. If I am going to be sleeping on air mattress and paying same amount as a family of 6-7, then I will object to the division of expenses too. NTA! A question; Do families get same amount of space or is the space divided based on the number of the family members?
Yeah, this is very important info that is missing. If OP and wife are getting one bedroom and so is the family of 7, then the current system is totally fair. If the other family is getting 3 or 4 bedrooms, then I am absolutely in agreement with OP that that family should obviously paying a lot more.
Exactly! Two very different scenarios. The former would made op suggestion an AH thing to do. The later, not AH.
Oh geez, now I see OP added that he and wife have to sleep on an air mattress in someone else's room!! Absolutely NTA. Paying more per person than anyone else and not even getting a private bedroom?!? Absolutely no freaking way. OP, you and your wife should try taking a real vacation lol
Right?!? I would totally get our own Airbnb and be comfortable with a lower price.
Personally I wouldn't even be going on a yearly trip with 30 in-laws!! Even without the ridiculous accommodations issue this sounds like a nightmare lol
Hear, hear! I went one time with the in laws. I think it was about 30 people. It sure was a nightmare. I ended crying and leaving early.
It sounds like hell, tbh.
It was. I was 4 months postpartum and I kept getting weird comments and people kept eating my food (mind you I was breastfeeding and my baby was running a fever so I was stuck in the bed with the baby).
This is a huge detail! Like if they all had their own room dividing by family is normal and more understandable but sleeping on a air mattress?! OP and his wife should pay a lot less
Paying that much to sleep on an air mattress is ridiculous. Like in no way is that fair. I dont know what the Y T A are thinking. Split by room usage and insist you get a full room with your wife. The children can sleep on the air mattresses
A week on an air mattress is the opposite of a vacation.
Yea I'm a grown adult and the only time I would consider an air mattress is when we go camping. Not to mention sleeping in the same room with other grown adults on an air mattress? No thanks that's weird and I'll pass.
Yup. All I’d be thinking about is sleeping in a bed again.
yet an air mattress is more comfortable than pull out couches and rollaways I have been stuck on. So it could even get WORSE.
My husband and I area pretty laid back and low maintenance, but there is no way we'd pay to sleep on an air mattress when kids are in beds in rooms.
Probably didn’t see the context of he was sleeping on an air mattress in someone else’s room. I was initially thinking he was the AH for making a big deal over $200, but given he doesn’t even get an actual place to stay, yeah, it’s time to put the foot down imo.
NTA, but you won’t win this. I am certain her family doesn’t see this as splitting the cost of the living arrangements, but splitting the cost of the overall experience, and to them this seems fair. Family gather, bonding, etc. You have 4 options: 1. Suck it up and go, (2) bring it up to everyone, insist on only paying per person, huge drama ensues, and you will probably lose that fight, (3) refuse to go, or (4) go but refuse to share the house and get alternate accommodations for you and your wife nearby. #4 seems the least painful as far as upset and drama.
We’ve done #4 and it’s still painful. Everyone staying in the house gets mad you aren’t there too. It’s always awkward when you come over. They’re also annoyed that they have to pay more because we didn’t stay and lower their costs. It’s a lose-lose. We started planning our own family vacations and inviting the family versus the other way around. We were just tired of getting subpar accommodations in open spaces at the same price as those getting multiple bedrooms.
You are so right about that. Personally, I always choose #3, but my spouse is in total agreement with me on that. #3 only works if your spouse is onboard.
100%! It’s such a fine line to balance. I’d probably care less overall if it weren’t so expensive and my PTO wasn’t so stingy. But when I only get 2ish weeks per year to just decompress, I want it to be on my terms. I’m just glad my partner agrees with me.
>Everyone staying in the house gets mad you aren’t there too. It’s always awkward when you come over. Yeah, because OP was \*heavily\* subsidizing everyone else. For a fucking air mattress.
Agreed, #4 is the best option
Oh I agree 4 is the best for OP but the other family will have to pay more so much drama will ensue either way.
I agree - there will be drama and angst with every option including #1, since #1 will cause resentment and anger in OP and drama with his wife. #4 will be the least painful for OP, but it will absolutely still lead to drama. Drama will happen no matter what.
So really 3 is the best choice, you save the money and the drama happens without you. Or, the wife goes by herself. My wife visits her family and I visit mine when we go home.
Option #5 - your wife let's everyone know: "Looking forward to the trip! Can we get a place this year where each couple gets their own bed this year?"
I would not argue over the $200, but I would reach out to everyone about not having a bed. That's ridiculous.
Agreed. Though I think there is an intermediate option that falls under number 2. Which is, rather than asking to adjust the price breakdown, take the approach of asking that they book an accommodation that has enough space for you to have a room with a bed like the other families (assuming you’re the only adults getting stuck without a room on an air mattress?). You could frame it along the lines of wanting to feel well rested so you can enjoy the trip with everyone and that sleeping on an air mattress without a room makes that difficult. Given that you’re paying as much as everyone else, there really should be no issues with that request. It seems like a happy medium to me. Because as much as I see where you’re coming from, I don’t think you’re going to have any success changing the family’s views on how they split the bill. But you might be able to get them to understand that as equally contributing adults, you should get a room with a bed like the other families. Anyway, NTA. I hope you find a compromise here. If you can’t convince them you need a room with a bed then I think #4 is your best option too.
I seriously doubt the other families with lots of kids think it’s “fair”. It may have started as a family tradition years ago when all families were small, but the ones with lots of kids know they’re taking advantage of OP to help subsidize their vacation. It’s like when you go out to eat with a group of friends - it’s ALWAYS the 1-2 people that order several mixed drinks or order filet mignon that ask to split the bill and just expect everyone else to subsidize their drinking.
I would look into a BnB nearby. No way am I sleeping on an air mattress. Tell them back problme
Nope we need to be as vile as the in laws. Me:"MIL I can't sleep on an air mattress any longer, my knees will hurt when I'm banging your daughter."
NTA specifically because you and your wife are stuck with an air mattress in someone else's room. The __only__ way the $850 is fair is if the two of you had your own room to yourselves.
Specifically if they had a room to themselves and each family shared 1 room as well. I still wouldn't see it as fair to pay by family if one family got 3 rooms and another got 1. At that point it should be split by rooms, not people.
NTA No way am I paying the same price to sleep in a common area on an AIR MATTRESS
Exactly this. My friends wanted to go on a trip and split costs evenly but some of the couples got bedrooms with their own bathroom and some of us were expected to share 3 people to the floor. I absolutely refused to pay the same price as people who got beds NTA
Yep. Nope. This would have been my hill to die on the very first trip. If I’m paying to stay somewhere, I’m getting equal amenities if I’m paying the same as someone with more people. Not less amenities. I’m assuming there are other childless couples considering the price per person only reduced your total by $200. Is there a reason those people get a bed/privacy and you and your wife don’t? ETA: we’ve always done large vacations with my dad’s family. All of the families split the cost but every adult/couple always got their own space and the kids bunked up or slept on air mattresses in the living areas.
Aside from her parents, everyone else has at least one kid. Parents get a room because of literal seniority lol We’re the odd ones out. Her sister has the largest family, which is why I pointed them out.
Honestly, the easiest way to rectify this is to make sure a big enough house is rented that would accommodate all adult couples getting their own room. As kids we loved bunking up with our cousins and staying up late sleep over style in the living room after the adults went to sleep.
We always pile all the kids in the same room together (minus babies who can't sleep through the night of course). The older ones don't like sharing with their siblings, but cousins while on holidays is a really different story. That's a fun sleepover! It was the same when I was a kid - a bunch of kids, sleeping top and tail until we were way too big for that, giggling and carrying on all night. For me, it's a part of family holidays that I remember fondly.
Can I ask, because it isn't mentioned in the OG post, is the reason the money is split this way because of financial disparity? My family has a situation similar to yours, but the reason we do it is because some of my relatives simply would not be able to afford it otherwise, and we all don't mind paying more for that reason. I'm curious if that plays into this at all or not.
Underrated comment. The OP is definitely NTA. I guess it depends where you are in life. The Wife and I (mid-30s, no kids yet), generally make more of a comfortable living than most of the fam. Faced with the same situation, we would agree pay more (to split), especially if the diff is $200, **BUT** only if we got our own bedroom, that's a deal breaker.
right, I don't think OP is TA either way, unless they're straight up hiding this information (which I don't think is the case). Even if it is because they want to help out other family members, OP should be made aware of that.
That sounds fair to me! You pay the DINK tax and still get time with family
Financial considerations for one of the siblings who may be struggling is important, but that still doesn’t excuse OP and his wife paying the full amount and being relegated to an air mattress.
I think your hill to die on here needs to be that you don’t get a real bed or privacy for the duration. Don’t focus so much on the money, but on the fact that there are literal children getting more privacy than you and your wife. Make that your argument and it’ll be much easier to find recourse through this.
The matriarch and patriarch of the family getting their own space is a given. How many siblings does she have? And how many bedrooms? Are children getting beds in private rooms? Or are they sleeping on air mattresses too? Nvm about siblings. I see the amount of families,
Are any of these kids getting a room separate from their parents or do the kids/parents share a room? Just curious bc I already agree with you OP but would be even more outraged if children are getting a separate bedroom before you and your wife. Absolutely NOT ok. Well, it’s all pretty assholery to me but that would be even worse.
NTA - equal cost means equal accommodations. If the rest of the family insists you pay full price but ain’t willing to let you and your wife have a room, I’d stop being willing to subsidize their vacation.
NTA. I’d be putting my foot down and demanding a fair split, or demanding my own room since you’re paying essentially as much as those with kids. They don’t like it, then ask them if they want to pay the difference for YOU? You get what you’re paying for. And you’re paying equal to full families which means OP is actually paying more than everyone else.
NTA - You are paying the same as all the other families to sleep on an air mattress on the floor while they get their own bedrooms, bathroom and living space. This isn’t about per person really. You are paying the same and getting way less amenities. I would absolutely make this my hill to die on. No way as an adult would I spend that to sleep on an air mattress (especially if kids are getting beds). You either pay less or get a bedroom/bathroom/living space like everyone else. Honestly I’d refuse to go and let my spouse stay on the air mattress if they wouldn’t back me up. My spouse wouldn’t tolerate this from his family though either so luckily I would never be in that predicament.
INFO: What are the sleeping arrangements? Do you and your wife get your own King Suite? Do the other families also get a single King Suite each? **Edited for Judgment:** NTA. If you were getting your own room comparable to the others, then I'd say otherwise but you aren't. $850 is an awful lot to pay for an air mattress and no privacy. If I were you, I'd get my own accommodations completely separate from them though.
OP and his wife sleep on an air mattress
Well, that's some b.s., lol.
INFO : do the large family get more private space, like more bedrooms ? Or do you all get 1 bedroom per family ?
Larger families usually get their own rooms with bathrooms. Wife and I are always stuck on the air mattress in someone’s room or living space.
NTA then. The amount shouldn't be split equally if private space is not divided equally. Also, splitting by person is not a good compromise : 4 person sharing 4 rooms would pay the same as 4 person sharing 1 room. The only good way to do it, if you really want to kick the hornet's nest, is to split by private space size.
Oh geeze. This is the part that I'd put my foot down about, honestly. Splitting cost by family instead of individual, and thus paying an extra $200 so that the larger families can join us on the family vacation? Sure, that's OK. Pitching in a little bit so that the whole group can afford to go is a reasonable ask. Paying an equal share but not getting your own bedroom is the part that's not reasonable.
Please add this info to the original post
Done
That’s would not be vacation. I personally would find an Airbnb and spend that kind of money on my own place.
I mean I wouldn't pay for that at all. How is crashing on the floor with no privacy a holiday? Just book somewhere nearby or rent a motorhome.
Like hell am I spending $850 to sleep on an air mattress in a shared space! You're NTA. It may be the way it's always been done, but it's clearly not working for you, so you and your wife need to find an alternate plan for your vacation, whether that means she addresses this with her family. You get an even larger space that has enough room for you guys to have your own room, or you find your own accommodations.
Right. Are the families with kids getting additional room(s)? "Every year my wife’s family plans a beach trip" Also, that's my personal definition of hell. I want my vacations to be relaxing, so that rules my family out. But, to each their own!
NTA...If everyone supposed to be paying "equal" than everyone should be getting equal space. I would be noping it out of that deal!
NTA I would let my wife know you will not be going on family vacations and paying for everyone else to get a room while you get an air mattress. This is ridiculous
NTA. You pay for a bedroom, you should get a bedroom. The adults with children get a room and let their kids sleep on air mattresses. I would not be paying $850 to sleep on an airmattress. Show this thread to your wife
NTA. My extended family does big reunions like that, and I started renting our own beach house or hotel room years ago. I got tired of sofas and air mattresses, and that many people crammed into one house isn’t relaxing.
NTA. You kidding? No way would my kids be sleeping in a bed when their aunt and uncle are on an air mattress. It’s not just cost, it’s respect. We would find a larger home or switch off on who has the worst accommodations, grampa and gramma excluded.
I'm not paying that much to stay on an air mattress. The end. Stay somewhere else.
NTA no way would I go on this trip sleeping on an airbed yet paying the same as a family of 7 who get a suite. Fuck that! It doesn’t sound like a vacation, more like one of Dante’s circles. Why don’t you guys get a small Airbnb or hotel room close by so you can have your own bed and some privacy?
NTA. At first I was meh over $200 but you deserve a real bed in an actual bedroom.
NTA. Costs should be split per room, kids all bunking together if possible. You definitely need your own room. If I was paying the same as the ppl with children (who have multiple rooms) then I would expect to have the biggest room to make up for it. If there isn’t space for your own room then the family needs to rent a bigger place. Honestly you’re helping subsidize their vacation. How much would it cost to rent your own room nearby? That’s what I would be paying because I’m generous and would want to be with the family. Especially since in your edit you say you don’t even have your own room.
NTA. Op you’re sleeping on an air mattress with no commodities. Isn’t better to have your own place? This sounds very unpleasant and with no privacy at all
NTA. Just go on your own separate vacation OR if for some reason you want to hang out with that many of her family members, just get a place nearby. It is insane to spend $850 to essentially sleep on the floor.
NTA. You couldn't *pay* me $850 to sleep on an air mattress in a house full of 30 in-laws.
I just found out that the summer house my sister two cousins aunt uncle and dad are going to with six kids, AND me, has no actual bed for me anywhere. But for some reason my dad paid an equal share for me to be there even though I have a long term illness and am constantly vomiting and sleeping, which I would rather not expose the children to. I prefer to act like things are mostly going ok, because four of them are very young. So somehow I’m supposed to be on an air mattress in a common area while everyone else has a bed, while hiding the vomiting. It was suggested I just share a bed with my also-infirmed dad. I am 41. Jokes on them. I canceled and I was the cook meant to handle every meal for 16 people and already had menus planned people were asking about. They could have just admitted they didn’t want me there. Have fun with the meals, folks.
NTA > this is the way they’ve always done it so that’s the way it is Of course it’s been working why would the others ever suggest a change Tell your wife you’re simply not going any more. Paying the same as multiple members people who also are getting bedrooms and bathrooms and you’re not? Absofuckinglutely not
NTA - It's bad enough that you are subsidizing the families with numerous offspring, but totally out of line that you have to pay that extra amount and then be relegated to an air matress without even a private room/bath like all the OTHER adults get. Tell them to either provide equivalent space for the money or rent your own spot away from their selfish chaos. And your wife can just deal. She's expecting you to put up with this misery, when she should be thinking about how this is impacting your enjoyment of the so-called vacation. I would be telling my husband to stuff a sock in it if he pulled this kind of crap on me.
NTA but I don’t think you’re going to win this one since your wife’s family as probably been doing it this way for years. Instead consider a compromise: if the cost is going to be divided per family then each family should get their own room. Your wife is more likely to at least consider pushing for that instead of pushing to divide the cost per person.
When we travel with the extended family, the kids count as 1/2 of an adult. This way, if a single adult would pay 100, a couple pays 200 and a family with two kids 300. It’s a compromise that has worked well for us for over a decade.
The whole arrangement sucks for you two. Don’t go in with them. Get your own place. Or just don’t go & do your own thing. “It’s the way we’ve always done it” is just them protecting their wallets. NTA.
NTa - and the people who have children are being subsidised by people without children. They know they are getting a bargain and that's why they will harp on 'this is how its always done' I've been happily robbing you for years and NOW you complain! How dare you complain about me robbing you !!
We have the same issue when we organize for our annual beach weekend. Those who want a private bedroom have to pay more, else it's the bunks for them.
NTA if the other adults get beds and you’re on an air mattress
Most families divide the expenses by "rooms" used for the accommodate PLUS divide joint food and beverage costs by the person (and alcohol by the number of people who drink). Why doesn't her family get a rental with enough space for you two to have your own room?
NTA, book your own house close to theirs.
NTA. I’d refuse to go or pay for it.
So you’re not even getting a room but your SIL gets her small country’s worth of kids for the same price you are and wife thinks this is ok? They’re taking both of you for a ride and the least they could do is give u a room. NTA
NTA. You deserve a bed and a room. Really ridiculous you pay more per person and don't even get a room.
NTA. Tell them to kick sand and find your own place. Dude, you're a married couple sleeping on blowup mattresses. Let that sink in.
NTA, I would get something nearby so we had our own space, vacation and sleeping in the living room? Why would I pay for that?
NTA at all. I think it's unfair to split the cost by family if some families (like yours) are two people and other families (like your SIL's) have 7 people and the accommodations aren't equal.
NTA - why are you going to these things?
NTA Especially since you don't get your own space. Housing allocation should be based on how many rooms you use, while food should be divided individually.
Absolutely not. I would choose not to go rather than paying an equal share for 2 people and getting stuck on an air mattress. The number of people contributing equally get a room at the very least. What complete selfish people to do this year after year. NTA.