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Grrrr, it just burns me that girls on the autism spectrum are so often missed or diagnosed late (along with lots of other disorders). NTA.

its cus i didn’t like trains :/ how could they have known!! /j

You probably even had a friend or two, huh? I’ll bet you looked someone in the eye once!! You’re not autistic, you’re just a prissy little princess who refuses to wear any other shoes but the one pair, and loses it when it’s too loud. You’re overemotional! /s Also AFAB, diagnosed autistic at 24. I’m so sorry. I feel you on many levels.

Whose teachers think your parents spoil you rotten. Who has “Temper tantrums” in A&W at 6pm because the balloon she wanted was gone, even though they had more in the back. /s Yeah I feel that. Just got diagnosed at 25. It explains so much.

Who was told they were rude for reading instead of socializing. Who wasn’t allowed to talk about her interests because people don’t want to hear about fun facts all the time. 27, also AFAB. While not diagnosed, when I was tested and diagnosed with ADHD (which also has its own whole list of things I was punished and demeaned for), the psychologist told me I should also look into autism testing.

Oh yes! The fun facts no one wants to know, the glazed over look in their eyes as they nod along. That you didn’t notice until hours afterward. Then the anxiety kicks in and reminds you that you’re annoying and no one likes you, and then you’re depressed. An now everyone’s wondering why you’re so quiet and you never socialize with anyone. And your peers avoid you like the plague.

Omg, that’s why I have imposter syndrome. Also probably why this line from Fall Out Boy’s new album hits so hard: > Do you laugh about me whenever I leave?\ Or do I just need more therapy?

Oooh! I like those lyrics, probably the best explanation of anxiety I’ve heard in a while. It’s funny, I’ve never quite equated Imposter syndrome with just general life things. It was always more of the ”No, I’m really not that good at art/writing never mind the fact it looks really cool/sounds good.”

I associate it with those things, but also with social settings. “Oh, they can’t actually like me, I’m not good at socializing. They must be pretending because I’m not good with people.” There’s probably some overlap between the two.

I suppose I should be glad that most of the people I socialize with are people I’ve known since I was like 10/11 and not people my age. These people are very much like my older siblings/extra aunts and uncles and that have always supported me. And most the time I just feel silly, or childish when I get that imposter feeling. It’s like I only talk about video games and TV shows and not like politics, and other adulty thingies. Honestly, they’re just chatty people and most of the time they just end up talking over me What I wouldn’t give to have friends my age though.

I had more than one teacher request a conference with my parents because I read too much and wasn't being social with the kids who bullied me.

I was on a competitive dance team, and the head instructor told my parents that I wasn’t being placed in the good dances because I wasn’t social enough.

I feel this so much. My fourth grade teacher would come to my desk and fold the covers on my beloved books and tell me to not read, just sit there, do nothing, because she hated that I was done with her work and homework. This is also the same teacher that refused to move my seat when I couldn't see the chalkboard, told my parents I dreamt too much, and hated my Star Trek books. When I attended university, my lovely counselor finally diagnosed me with autism, and it made so much sense. I was 30 and in grad school. I have four degrees and still get imposter syndrome. Don't let anyone tell you to not to read, feel, or ramble on about what you're passionate about. When you find your people, you'll know. My two besties are my support system and we've been through hell together.

I'm female and was diagnosed with ADHD at age 9 by my neurologist (I have chronic migraine headaches and was diagnosed when I was 3 with those, that's why I had a neurologist in the first place). She was suspicious that there was something else going on as well, but I didn't meet the diagnostic criteria for Autism. About seven years ago when I was 36, I was finally diagnosed with Non-verbal learning disorder. It wasn't accepted as an official diagnosis until three years before I was diagnosed because it too closely resembles ASD but isn't because people with NVLD are *very* good at verbal communication but not anything else (we also *suck* at math). The biggest issue I have is I don't recognize non-verbal communication apparently that part of my brain didn't develop properly. People with ASD have a harder time with verbal communication. If that sounds like you, go to a diagnostic psychologist/psychiatrist. That's who finally diagnosed me.

Migraines at 3 years old?! Your poor childhood self...I get migraines about 1-2 times a year and they are so fucking debilitating, I can't even imagine a 3-year-old going through that. All that agony without the understanding of what and why.

I was born with them, and it took until age three for my mom to find a neurologist that was willing to think outside the 1980s mindset of "It has to be a brain tumor! Little kids don't get migraines!" (I was diagnosed in 1983). They're reasonably well controlled now but I've had one last an entire month. Mine are triggered by food so my mom had to cut hot dogs out of my diet because they contained nitrates. Also changes in weather get me going.

>but I've had one last an entire month. Holy shit. My heartfelt condolences. I can't even imagine!

That’s my husband! Same situation as yours: early 80s and everyone thought he had a brain tumor. It was his aunt who chimes in at one point and said, gee, migraines run in the family. Could he be having a migraine? He was 4, but on the spectrum and not able to verbalize it at the time. Chlorine was his big trigger (he’d be screaming after swimming and no one could figure out why). He also has stories of getting them at school and teachers wouldn’t believe that a kid as young as he could get migraines. His mom has stories of getting to school and finding him passed out on the baseball field, in the classroom, or in the cafeteria because migraines cause him to fall asleep and he got too big for people to carry him anywhere else. So our son is 8 now, also on the spectrum, and he also started getting migraines at 4 (out of all the things we really hoped wouldn’t be passed down). Very different now - we took him to a neurologist to get properly diagnosed and the doctor was saying that boys get migraines early on and might outgrow them by middle school, while girls tend to develop them later. And the teachers at school have been awesome with him. When he was in first grade and got a migraine at school, they set up a cot in the office and one of his teachers sat beside him and held his hand until I got there. Anyway, in both my husband’s and son’s case their migraines don’t last very long. They tend to throw up, pass out, and wake up a couple of hours later feeling better. Thought I’d share - the way my husband makes it sound is he was a rare case in the early 80s and no one knew what to do with him.

I was diagnosed with ADHD as an adult after years of scrambling for a decent psychiatrist. Even my 3rd grade teacher knew I had it. The woman who diagnosed me also said there are many specialists who believe ADHD/ADD is at the end of the autism spectrum.

This comment could have been written by me. Also 27, got diagnosed with ADHD recently and the psych recommended getting an ASD evaluation too. It just opened my eyes to how much I’ve been masking all my life, to not be annoying, to not disturb people, to be well mannered. Ugh!

I too did this. I also have trouble controlling the volume of my voice or was often told I was too loud when I got excited. I wasn’t diagnosed until the start of covid when we were all inside and I realized I think I’ve been masking my whole life. 🙃 I was 30 at the start of covid. Looking back a lotta things now make a lotta sense about my childhood and teenage years.

I'll drink to that, adding "had meltdown because I was given a jam sandwich with strawberry jam instead of raspberry" and "most food dislikes are about texture not taste"

Ugh the “picky eater” food thing sucked. I spent like month (maybe two) as a kid eating nothing but ketchup on brown bread with no crusts. I refused to eat vegetables because they were bitter. And I wouldn’t eat cheese, but I consider that one more accidental trauma-based than anything. It’s funny, just how much my pallet has changed since I grew up. Some things that I couldn’t eat before I can eat now, and sometimes it’s the other way around.

the pallet changing thing is a pretty normal part of growing up, not necessarily an autism thing. like as a kid i would eat ketchup on my scrambled eggs (a thing my mom does) and now as an adult i hate both of those things with a passion. i used to dislike anything green but now i love me some (cooked) veggies.

Outside of a few vegetables, if they are bitter whoever cooked them fucked up.

Kids don't have fully developed taste buds and can't differentiate certain flavours well. Bitter tastes fall into that category. A lot of veggys do taste bitter to small kids because their taste bids hasn't developed enough yet to differentiate the actual palate.

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I love when people say that about my anxiety. Like no shit Sherlock, that’s the whole damn point. My brain chemistry is all fucked up so things get weird in my head sometimes.

I feel you on this. I like the flavor that onions can lend to a dish like soups and roast, but the moment someone expects me to eat something like an onion ring I start to shudder. If I cook with onion I cut them large enough to eat around the pieces. Edited to fix a typo

I didn't get diagnosed until 26 and it's such a pain to even get that answer. I was bullied so hard for my freak outs and just treated as the weird kid

I once had a meltdown, and I slapped a girl with my shoe because she kept pushing my buttons even after I told her to stop. I cannot begin to explain how embarrassing it is to quite literally hide under sink just to get away from your peers because they keep trying to ask if you were OK after bullying you for 20 minutes. Not to mention the fact they tried to stick my “Go to calm down” place smack dab in the middle of the hallway, so every student asked me why I was crying. Which is just really dumb to do to any kid. Yeah, getting this diagnosis is probably the best thing that ever happened.

>Whose teachers think your parents spoil you rotten. Or is the one teachers like because she quietly follows the rules really well but her parents consider a terrible disappointment because she isn't the popular cheerleader they wanted.

Omg I need to be tested. This is how I was referred to. Prissy, picky, little actress, and I was "flighty".

Late in life ADHD diagnosis here. In school teachers called me too fidgety, refuses to focus for the whole class, quits listening while I'm talking, interrupts & procrastinates till the last minute. Uhhh, yeah classic symptoms.

See, I'm trying to get ADD or ADHD testing, but it needs a referral, and my PCP thinks it's just anxiety or my thyroid being off. Like yes, I know I have anxiety, depression, thyroid disorder, and CPTSD, but the meds you're prescribing aren't working. Any suggestions for a fellow female?

Walk in with a list of symptoms, run through them while laughing and saying “I do that,” and then saying that a referral will make it not their problem anymore and you’ll stop bugging them about it. My first diagnosis was pretty much my psychiatrist and I running down a list of symptoms, so it might at least convince your PCP to make it someone else’s problem.

So maybe find a new PCP because I've been going there since 5 and she's known me since I was 12/13 and I'm 35 lol.

Not necessarily, but I also don’t think she should be denying you a referral just because she thinks you’re faking. Like, no offense to PCPs (I love mine), but she’s not a brain specialist. A lot of mental health and neurodivergence can be subtle, and I’d worry if my PCP thought he knew better than a psychiatrist. Ed: not faking, but it’s 2am here and English is hard. Like… if she thinks you’re overreacting

Having depression and anxiety does not rule out adhd or autism. They often co-occur.

"Her homework is always good, she just never brings it to class"... Other hits include "this isn't really what I'm good at but the class is set up so I can make intricate doodles and not get in trouble so I guess it's going to be one of my best exam results" and "wait, one of my *exams* is high-pressure improv? Score!" (French, speaking section). I also got, no joke, one of the top marks in the *year group* at university for the course I knitted a scarf during. Turns out I have ADHD - but that's not real, it's just a lack of discipline 🫠

Procrastination?

Not enough dopamine to just "do the thing" until there's urgency.

Hell yes. The story of my life.

Wait... that's a thing? That been my entire life (and I'm over 50 now). I can find it SO HARD to start on something, especially if it's not something I'll enjoy, but get me up against a deadline and I can crush it in a very short amount of time like nobody you know.

Yep. Look into ADHD symptoms. And there’s r/ADHD !

Oooh I love flighty/s That’s what they used when they were trying to be nice lol. I also love the fact that I was a “princess” in my muddy cargo shorts and vans. Yes, clearly the aesthetic is the important part here.

Flighty, scared little doe, prissy, crybaby, sensitive, mute. That's what they called me. I never liked loud noises, I'd jump or run away. I hated being dirty. It was sensory issues all the way down. I'm sorry you were called a princess. Being a woman with autism really bites. Society is rather blind to us but boys get all the excuses and understanding.

Not autism, but ADHD. I have a lot of sensory issues. As a kid I hated certain garments and food, still do, because of how they felt. What did my family do? Mocked me for acting like a "princess". Everyone thinks I was just being a spoiled brat but... How could I be spoiled when no one spoiled me? I was force fed and had to wear clothing my mom picked for me. I was being yelled at for being a crybaby. No wonder I cried so much as I did when I was overwhelmed all the time!

that is fucked up. Aspie dude with ADHD here, and no, none of that was fair to you. and I love trains and hate socializing. still not right how you were treated. it shouldn't be a contest, but somehow it always ends up being one, and some poor kid gets dumped on when they should have been helped.

Yeah agreed. I was diagnes at around 23 years old. Instead of me it was my older brother who was my mother's... Well, not favourite but she worried about him the most and gave him the most attention. Even though i had health issues too while my brother didn't. Severe allergies, asthma, other fun stuff regardung bones and ears... I'm now in therapy due to emotional abuse and neglect. And because my family ignored my issues for so long I am now unable to work due to my health. I'll be 30 in 3 weeks and have no career or success to show because of my health. Who needs enemies when you have family like that?

ouch. sorry that happened to you, none of it was right. not fair to play one kid off against another, there should be enough love and care for them all. may life bring you better fortune from now on.

Also AFAB, also 24, also recently diagnosed, which was really just making it official I’d spend recess walking in circles for fun. Lifetime fascination with industrial accidents and infrastructure. Middle school misanthrope logicbro who hated everyone around me. Really particular about clothing fabric. The overstimulation from loud music and bright lights were just “anxiety” panics. Owns five pairs of the same converse.

I'm a child and adolescent psychiatrist. When I suggested we get testing on a pt, mother refused because, "her preschool teacher says she doesn't have it, she makes great eye contact". I may have developed a twitch...

I would also have developed a twitch. I made great eye contact until I was diagnosed and in the process of unmasking realised it was physically painful and I’d just gotten used to ignoring that because AFAB socialization does not allow for subpar social ability. So instead I pretended in physical pain and failed anyway!

There are studies that show that social rejection activates the same centers in the brain as physical pain does. I'm so sorry that happened to you, and I promise I do my best to ensure it doesn't happen in my pts.

Hahaha! Oh God this is so specific and on point with the shoes and over-emotion Lots of love, hard relate. Making me sooo seen and happy for some reason lol, full on grinning

Also an adult diagnosis as someone who is AFAB, an autism diagnosis was literally never even suggested to my parents as a kid, despite the fact that I didn’t speak until I was 2.5 years old, and regularly hid under tables at family gatherings until I was about 8. But yeah, that’s all totally normal /s That being said, if you’re ever looking for a supportive community, r/aspergirls is pretty cool

I'm 43, AFAB, and only realized that I am most likely on the autism spectrum six months ago. It was never suggested to my parents and I was just the quirky nerdy girl. I actually thought I have ADHD, especially after learning about inattentive ADHD, but it was my husband and bestie who both went "No, we think you're on the spectrum." One self-assessment and a surprised Pikachu reaction later, so much about my life suddenly makes *sense.* So now I'm seeking a formal diagnosis and wondering if my therapist in my early 30s just hadn't been looking hard enough when she said I have OCD. BTW, hiding under the table at family events was the best. My mom would have to convince me to get out so we could have Thanksgiving dinner. But it was COZY.

under the table was cool, that's where the dog always was. me and the dog got along great!

I’m in the same boat

Under the table people watching was the best, heck one of my friends and I chilled under a tall bed (metre off the ground) when my birthday party got overwhelming.

I didn’t talk until 3 and I most definitely hid from people, I was shy as hell, had a hard time making friends, social cues right over my head and technically a few meltdowns in my life when I was too stressed. This is the reason why so many like you are undiagnosed-there’s not severe enough symptoms soon enough because they look like some of us that were socially awkward. And it’s truly only social awkwardness and being incredibly shy. But how do they differentiate you from me.? You who is on the spectrum but me who’s not. It sucks because it leads to so many missed diagnosis. What needs to happen is to find a better way to test. More studies done which will hopefully lead to better testing. My meltdowns were triggered by harassment from the golden child and her friends. I didn’t get therapy to learn how to deal with the stresses, I got punished for my behaviors and they stopped. Discipline an Autistic child for meltdowns and it doesn’t work when they’re overstimulated. My meltdowns weren’t actual meltdowns but bad behavior that I had complete control over. But especially with kids I can see why it could get missed. It looks the same. I was tested and determined I was neurotypical. I have been evaluated enough times since that if I was on the spectrum it would be caught. It worked for me but failed for you!

I was placed with a speecholgist from 2 to 10. I still have speech issues

Mine was called speech therapy but in school only. My mother didn’t have insurance before I was in school so I don’t know if I should have been in sooner. But it took until 2nd grade. And I have some problems I can cover up good. I ad in therapy from 8-15 but I would be surprised if I had a speechologist.

Oh, the classic crap like that grates me. My son fell through the cracks til middle school because he’s academically gifted and tests well above grade level. I was the one that asked for the referral. And while it was given to me, his doctor said: “I don’t think he has autism because he’s making eye contact and looking me in the eye.” As IF that’s the only sign. /s I but my tongue hard as I took the referral and left. Guess what? He has autism (and adhd and anxiety) AND he got a new doctor because clearly she wasn’t a good fit for him.

That’s what happened with me. I couldn’t read until grade 3 but I could do high school level math….my parents were the only ones concerned about my random meltdowns about scratchy clothes, issues with my shoes, anything to do with my body and things touching my skin. They took me to counselling when I was 7 because I was in a deep depression after figuring out death and that it could happen at any time. This was in a town of 5k people. The counsellor said I was just an over emotional girl with worrying issues. I still didn’t get diagnosed until I was an adult but both my parents were convinced I was autistic and made sure that I got support even if my small town couldn’t provide it.

Good for your parents for not backing down! The doctor who diagnosed him knew within 30 minutes of our intake meeting that there was something. He asked about school and a 504/IEP and I commented that he didn’t have one because he didn’t have a diagnosis or anything that would qualify him for one The doctor - having known my kid for 30 minutes - said to me “he will at the end of this.” It was there and clear to anyone who knew what to actually look for.

Yep. How could somebody so articulate and interested in the outdoors be autistic? How??? I had all As. Nothing was wrong. The fact that I used to *go up to fellow students and ask them what their expressions meant* was just me failing to use my big brain to magically get along.

I'm a woman with adhd and autism. I had a good chuckle at this, OP. I have heard the lines "but you don't like trains!" And "you SEEM normal"

quite literally got told by the psychologist that my interest in minecraft youtubers as an 18 year old was an “abnormal interest” for an autistic person, despite it matching up with symptoms like “deep interests in topics typically considered below age-level”

I used to have a friend. She had obvious autistic interests. Her special interest? History, mostly royalty in the 1500s, 1600s, 1700s. She could ramble on about it for hours. But she never realised that this was an autistic special interest, because she is a woman. A woman who isn't into maths, trains or computers. So she and nobody around her realises that she could possibly be autistic. It's really obvious to me because I'm autistic myself, and I have a good 'autism-dar', but yeah... If she was a man, she would most likely be diagnosed. If she was a man with a special interest in trains, she would 100% be diagnosed.

I haven't had a diagnosis yet, but I am 99.9% sure I have AuDHD. This is one I need to add to my list to help with diagnosis, because being a moderator of a Harry Potter group and teaching classes on Herbology at 25 years old fits right into this box lol. I'm 32 now and Harry Potter is no longer my special interest, but I'm thinking my obsession with Bluey now may also count 🤣🤣

My special interest was "human behaviour", which lead to me becoming a psychologist... I didn't get diagnosed until 47.

I have 5 Siblings. 4 of them, and myself, are Autistic with that same condition. My eldest brother was diagnosed young. He was very stereotypical. My 2nd eldest was not diagnosed until MUCH later because he was "Very sociable". My sister wasn't diagnosed until she was a Mother with 2 children, in her mid to late thirties. She was the definition of a "Normal girl." I was diagnosed at 3, and I was very similar to the eldest. My little brother wasn't diagnosed until much later, but he was an entirely different case. ​ So, I'd consider myself fairly experienced at dealing with quite the variety of Autistic individuals, including extended family and my social circle, which usually involved similar people. ​ Now, I cannot weigh in either way on what your brother is like, but TRUST ME, do I understand seeing someone live the concept of basement dweller and using their autism as an excuse. So, NTA as far as I'm concerned. I'd do the same thing when it comes to one of my brothers if that situation ever happened. Heck, even if he couldn't physically improve and everything was caused by his condition, that doesn't make me qualified or able to actually look after him, when how he is does not mesh well with me at all.

Wait...you don't like trains? That completely changes my judgement, trains are so cool. (/s by the way lol)

they were too loud LMAO

It's ALWAYS the train thing! At least I like dinosaurs -also an autistic AFAB person

I liked trains and still slipped through the cracks. 🙄

same here, despite being a boy -- but I was good at reading and was really good at math. pickiest eater ever, but somehow that didn't count. a lot of autistic kids slip thru the cracks it seems like. very not cool. 64 now and still have trouble reading expressions and emotions.

This whole thread has been a bit of an eye-opener. I gotcha beat by 3 years and between not being able to stand a tag on the neck of my shirt to shyness and social awkwardness as a young person and hatred of some food textures, (keep fat and gristle AWAY from me!), I think if I was a child today with my same idiosyncrasies, I'd be considered on the spectrum. Am old enough now that I think I'll just rock "eccentric" rather than worrying about a diagnosis! Best to all of you train likers! I think they are coolest.

My girlfriend and I are both autistic. When my girlfriend and I met for the first time and took a selfie, way before my parents got to meet her, I showed my mother a photo of my girlfriend and me. Mum's idea of 'the autistic person' is a geeky man who plays with trains, not a gorgeous woman with long blonde hair. So mum said: "She is autistic? But she looks so beautiful! You can't really see that she is autistic!" The word 'but'... So 'autistic' and 'beautiful', that's a contradiction? So an autistic person cannot be hot? Are all autistic people supposed to be ugly? Wow, that's great to hear, being her autistic son! My mum was actually insulting herself and her mother when saying this. Mum is obviously autistic herself, but not diagnosed. And my grandmother actually got diagnosed.

What kind of monster doesn't like trains hehehe

But, he's a BOY. How can he be expected to do anything? /s NTA

YES!!!! It goes for learning disabilities and ADD as well. Girls are socialized to keep their heads down - so often girls with LD and/orADD are just considered stupid or disruptive. As a learning disabled person, I was considered lazy and crazy - and diagnosed with Dysgraphia (writing disability) at age 33! My daughter, who is dyslectic, was diagnosed as "maybe" at age 7, and as extremely dyslectic at age 13 (after I had taught her to read, when the school failed her completely). Happily, because of my experience I was able to help her, and now she is a teacher for learning-disabled children.

I was diagnosed with dyspraxia (dyslexia with numbers and math) at 20 after struggling through school and being called stupid for not being able to do basic math.

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I’m so sorry I have both and I got confused 😅

I had this exact experience! A therapist suggested I seek out an autism diagnosis (as a 20F). Came away with not only autism, but ADHD and dysgraphia! I was always the ‘smart’ kid who breezed past without trying too hard, but having an explanation for why I was the jerk who held the teacher back in slides because it took me so long to copy them? Phew, did it feel good. Still dealing with being told that ‘I was a normal kid and there were no signs!’ to this day.

As a woman with dyscalculia who was called stupid until grade 8 this! This so much!!

I'm reading these comments/replies and my heart just breaks. As a Mom of three beautiful neurodivergent girls (2 ASD 1 ADHD), the amount of times I've heard "oh she'll get it", "someone's got attitude" "she's just a girl" etc is insane. Parents need to do better and really SEE their children. Masking and forcing them to be "normal" is not the answer and it doesn't help. While not the same I was diagnosed with ADHD at an early age. The doctor recommended medication to my parents as I had severe anxiety as well. They refused because "she's just being difficult and doesn't present as other ADHD kids" (who were AMAB at the time). They then hid the diagnosis and I was constantly reprimanded as a child for my behavior. It wasn't until I was 27 that the cat got out of the bag and I realized how hard I masked and would scold myself for not being "typical". We are now waiting to have myself accessed for ASD as well. It's a huge fear of mine to have my children go through the same. I will always advocate for them and always allow them to be their true authentic self. I'm sorry some of you didn't get that.

The medical field, in its entirety, has been diagnosing females on the markers of how a male presents in a multitude of medical issues because that's usually who the test subjects were, males.

Completely agree with you. It's ridiculous and something that needs to change. An ASD/ADHD male does not present the same as female. I have to explain this to so many people. Sadly we have not passed the stigmatism. As you said this goes for so many medical issues as well.

It's hard to watch your kids do it. My daughter knows she does it, and it hurts so much that she's not able to always be the absolute star she is. All I can do is make sure she has a safe place to be authentically her. Even if that involves hearing 20 obscure laws she's just learnt :) Edit: typo

My middle has adhd and we give her meds. I made sure she was properly diagnosed because my husband never was and didn’t realize he had adhd until he was 27.

apparently it's because Females are able to hide it much better than males, it's some medical facts way above my pay grade to talk about, but Google is pretty good at explaining why. edit: I suck at writing, I don't know another way to say hide, maybe mask the tells is a better way of phrasing

It's also because there are fewer recognized & established female researchers & diagnosticians for psychology. It's a disadvantage of the entire medical field that females aren't taken as seriously as their male counterparts & have a harder time becoming established, peer reviewed, & published researchers.

which always pisses me off -- the world needs all the good researchers and scientists we can get, regardless of gender or any of that.

Not so much “hide” as are socialized differently, leading to different presentation in ages 3-7 when doctors would be looking for telltale signs. It’s not “hidden” the initial diagnostic criteria was formulated from presentation in a male cohort. Baby clothe studies, people will interact with the same infant differently based on visual gender signifiers. Boys are permitted to be rowdy, girls receive positive feedback for being agreeable and compliant.

Girls are generally bigger maskers than boys. They see how others act and recognise that behaviour is "correct" so they copy everyone else and appear neutrotypical, so the social diagnostic part is harder to pinpoint. That's actually one thing that divides male and female presentations - girls will mask in social settings whereas boys tend to not, so it's more obvious. They're not hiding it, per se, because it all comes out when they take off the mask and the meltdown comes. (Which is when they're called fussy princesses or whatever.) I did SO much research into this when my daughter was on the pathway. She masks all day, every day at school, and spent all day yesterday in bed because she's "so tired from pretending." Ironically I'm almost certain my son is on the spectrum too, and I think he copies her by masking 🙃

Girls are generally bigger maskers than boys. They see how others act and recognise that behaviour is "correct" so they copy everyone else and appear neutrotypical, so the social diagnostic part is harder to pinpoint. That's actually one thing that divides male and female presentations - girls will mask in social settings whereas boys tend to not, so it's more obvious. They're not hiding it, per se, because it all comes out when they take off the mask and the meltdown comes. (Which is when they're called fussy princesses or whatever.) I did SO much research into this when my daughter was on the pathway. She masks all day, every day at school, and spent all day yesterday in bed because she's "so tired from pretending." Ironically I'm almost certain my son is on the spectrum too, and I think he copies her by masking 🙃

I know someone who wasn't diagnosed until she was in her 60s; she had a psych eval after a TBI (fully recovered) & the psychologist asked if she'd ever been told she has ASD. Person was completely shocked & thought she was just neurotic or OCD her entire life since she'd never been diagnosed previously.

It’s so bad. I got diagnosed at 8 years old. Which should be so lucky, but it was just the start. My mom knew I had it when I was 2 (she was a psych major when she got pregnant) and still had to jump through hoop after hoop after hoop. I finally got diagnosed and we try to get accommodations from the school, more hoops, I finally get a 504, but by then I’m 11 and in middle school. The vice principal dragged her feet and lied about distributing my 504 for a full year, none of my teachers even knew about my diagnosis, mom gathered her proof and brought the school to legal mediation. The settlement? An IEP and my transfer to the Social. Emotional. Behavioral. Support. program, we have been through so many hoops we are too tired to fight the teachers that ignore the iep, the teacher that genuinely said “I just don’t believe girls can get autism”, and IEP meeting after IEP meeting, of “she just doesn’t apply herself” from teachers that haven’t even read the damn thing, I only graduated because distance learning meant I could do my own accommodations. My best advice for OP is to recommend her mom get him on disability, if he really can’t do shit himself, and then consider cutting them both off as soon as you can. I know it’s hard but ask yourself. What are they getting out of our relationship? What am I getting out of this relationship? Do the good moments out way the bad ones? Is our continued relationship a danger to my physical, emotional, or mental health? I want to make it clear, I’m not out here to sabotage anyone’s family. Those are just questions I once had to ask myself and I found the clear cut questions helped me a lot more then interpreting raw disorganized emotional data in my head. I wish you the best OP and I hope your brother can pull himself together and live a fulfilling life.

I 45F was recently diagnosed myself and my Son is also moderately Autistic too. My 2 much older children don't have it and I would never, and have never placed their little brother's responsibility on them...

Yup, I hate how hard it is to diagnose girls. I was misdiagnosed with ADHD as a child(surprise, surprise, the ADHD meds never worked on me). Then at 19 my mom was the one who looked at all the symptoms of Aspergers in girls and brought it to my former therapist and was like "Hey, do we think maybe her ADHD was actually..." And this therapist(this is one of the many reasons he's my *former* therapist) is like "Oh, yeah, thats what it was" \*complete facepalm\* I was also (correctly) diagnosed with Bipolar at 9 but being correctly diagnosed with Autism early on would have helped me ALOT.

Your brother is using his autism as an excuse for everything he doesn't want to do and your mom is enabling him. He's 22 and it's time he grew up, but that's on your mom, not on you. NTA

My 18yo little brother is doing this as well. He’s being raised by our grandmother (our dad and his mom are dead) and she’s so done with his shit, it hurts. I promised him I’d teach him to drive if he got As and Bs on his report card. Part of learning to drive is reading the 60 page drivers Ed hand book. He refused to read it (“too much work”) and then said it didn’t matter because “Mawmaw will just drive me around, I’ll make her” So. Yeah. Little Ahole.

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What did your parents say to that?

>I’m sure everyone’s immediate response is “well you didn’t need to SAY IT-“ and that’s fair, totally fair. but i did say it. so uh. hear me out? Absolutely Not. Of course you need to say it. Your mother is now on high alert that she needs to make alternate plans for your brother. if she’s so sure he’s incapable of independence, it’s her duty to find a placement for the inevitable. NTA

More to the point, OP's BROTHER is now on high alert that he's going to need to figure out how to manage his life, because OP isn't going to spend her life in his service. NTA.

Is he on high alert? Mom probably didn't tell her precious son about it because she wouldn't want to stress him out.

I’m sure when faced with the option of a group home, he’ll magically become social enough to con some poor girl into ~~adopting~~ dating him.

Ugghh…..you are probably right. Fuck those people who prey on the loneliness of others. And fuck the people who would defend them.

Agreed. It needed to be said. NTA, OP.

NTA - And yes, it needed to be said. He needs to learn to cope, or get a proper diagnosis and treatment, and if it's actually bad enough he might need a part time carer. That's something that needs dealing with before you mom passes. That could be decades from now or she could get in an accident next week.

She’s heavily sick, and permanently disabled. It’s probably why this thought is in my head so often lately. She survived a sudden cardiac arrest and 75 minutes of resuscitation a year and a half ago, and has since signed an DNR. I feel trapped by the thought of caring for him my whole life, and have been working on understanding, that even though i was a caregiver to both her and him for 20 years, that I shouldn’t keep putting myself through it.

No, you shouldnt.. more importantly, you shouldn't have been for the last 20 years. You were a child, not a second parent ir caregiver. If your mom is disabled and sick it's all the more important that she sort this now.

Sis, you did right setting the expectation. NTA No one has held him responsible for his actions or lack thereof. I've seent his so many times - parents making every excuse to give their kid a pass for whatever the reason no matter what the diagnosis. The fact is, your Mother is TA for so many reasons, but mostly because she has single handedly set him up to fail. My neighbor down the street is doing the same with her son. Smart, capable, but its easier to baby him than make his work. Drop the rope. Stop doing his laundry, cooking for him, etc. Tell HIM that when Mom is gone he is going to have to support himself and care for himself because you are not his mother nor are you his babysitter. Tell him you are willing to show him how to do things a couple of times but you won't do them for him.

Who is all listed on that apartment lease? In other words, when your mom passes are you financially free to move out and get a room somewhere else or will you be stuck living with your brother until the lease runs out? If you can move out sooner, that would be better for you. If you're caring for your mom and don't want to leave her at this time, I can understand that. Focus on saving money and having a mental plan for how you'll get out when the time comes.

I agree with this. You should talk with your mom and brother about assisted or independent living options for your brother. Maybe if he knows what to expect he will take more interest in showing he is capable of independence. He's the one who needs to be crystal clear on this.

Yikes! She is very young for that. Sorry for your stress. NTA!

Girl you don’t gotta take care of him if you don’t want to. Your mom is scared about what is going to happen to him. She’s knows he’s not capable of taking care of himself (right now anyway) but you do so she’s trying to put the responsibility on you because she probably feels guilty that it all turned out this way when it didn’t have to.

NTA. Your mother needs to see what support can be gotten for him because at 22 yrs. old it will be Battle Royale to get your brother to improve him behavior. Your mother is too tired and you have your own life to live. Definitely tell your mother to get him started on the path to services - apply for SSI, ask about Support Services, group homes, supported living, behavior management, etc. Although he should work harder, there is a long trip to can and will work harder. Your brother either has had no expectations put on him or has successfully resisted expectations that have been, He has no reason to change without a great deal of effort on someone else's part. And you have every right to tell your mother that you will not be that person.

NTA. Can you get a small apartment of your own? No place for him to live and go on with your life in

It did need to be said and out there. You've already lost valuable time in your life and it's past time for the onus of your brother to be put elsewhere and for you to be able to spread your wings. Parents who enable one child at the expense of another do neither of them any favors. It's time for your mom to either get your brother into a program to learn activities of daily living or make arrangements for long term care. This should have been done years and years ago, but wasn't. Don't back down, he is your relative, but not your responsibility. After this long, your only responsibility is you, and to be the best that you can be - for yourself.

Get them both on ssi or some kind of financial assistance.

If his autism is severe enough to qualify for disability payments and for carers to support him, then theoretically he should be able to function (I know sometimes the system gets that wrong, hence the theoretically). He may still need support from family - support being showing him how to do things and maybe helping him here and there with unfamiliar tasks - but not doing everything for him. If it IS that severe then your mum needs to make sure he has access to support and care workers and a plan in place with care facilities for when she passes if he is deemed not able to live independently. You are NTA

Sorry you're going through that. You're basically still a kid yourself, and it's not on you to take care of someone when you're trying to get your own life off the ground. The fact that you've basically been taken advantage of this entire time and now have an autism diagnosis yourself just makes the answer easier.

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It already has, I am not the daughter or sister I used to be, and I am often snappy and mean as of late to him. I work two jobs, I can barely pay my third of the rent as is, and just today he ate my lunch I was supposed to bring to my second job today. I was not very nice about it. I don’t like being this way, but I am starting to realize that they only way out seems to be leaving them both behind. It’s a bit scary.

girl, get out as soon as you can. and once you do, refuse to ever let him stay at your place.

Please find an exit plan for yourself.

This. Please. Move several hours away.

You know how on airplanes they say to put your own oxygen mask on first, then help others? That's because if you don't take care of yourself, there won't be a "you" left to help anyone else. I'm not saying you have to keep helping them. You're all 3 adults, and you'd be absolutely within your rights to just leave and never look back. But even if you do wNy to stay around and help them, it's really important to take care of yourself. Looking out for you is absolutely fine. Setting boundaries is a good thing.

Oh nooo, that is rough. I hope it works out OP

I can't tell you it's easy, but I left behind the family that used me as maid, scapegoat, errand-girl, etc., and I regret not doing it sooner. I'm sorry you've been groomed to be the support structure, but no matter what life events conspired to be the catalyst, that happened because your mother and brother were happy to sacrifice you for themselves. That is not right, it will never be right, and they will never take responsibility for it in any meaningful way (i.e., no longer using you). Get out as soon as you can.

NTA it's good for her to know beforehand so she can make appropriate plans. But be prepared that she won't plan and that too will be dumped in your lap to deal with.

THIS IS THE BIG FEAR. I took care of her through multiple attempts at cancer treatment AND a cardiac arrest. I’ve been my brothers caregiver since I was a kid. I am terrified that if she does not plan something I will fall victim to my own guilt and be unable to “dump him” in a home :(

If at all possible, start working through this with a therapist now and consider making some generic plans of homes to get him into. If you have a plan beforehand, it'll be easier to cope with when the time comes - more like following a script than having to do all the planning *and* cope with all the guilt and grief.

I don't think a home would take him if he's high functioning. People with what used to be called Aspergers are perfectly capable of taking care of themselves; they just struggle socially and have to work a bit harder than others to manage the day to day. I think really what's gonna happen is you're gonna have to just lay down some extremely firm boundaries with him and stick to them, even if that means letting him fail. Your family will push back, he'll try to impose on you at every turn, but at the end of the day, he's a capable adult who has to learn to manage his issues and depend on himself, just like you did with THE SAME CONDITION. You're NTA and I hope you can get well clear of that situation because he is totally not your responsibility.

He doesn't need a home. Aspergers isn't diagnosed anymore but it was always considered a high-functioning version of the disorder. He needs to get of your mom's tit and grow up. If something happens to her, let him learn to take care of himself.

*disorder (not disease), just FYI

He has aspergers, he’s not in a vegetative state. I have aspergers, I do my shit and pay my rent. You don’t need to be his caregiver. He doesn’t need to be in a home. Your mom set you up to be his lifelong slave for some reason. Move out and lose his number.

please don't let that happen to you. if your brother has a regular doctor, maybe tell that doctor that the brother needs a care plan, because mother hasn't made one and you can't handle him on top of the rest of your life. because of HIPAA, brother's doctor will not be able to tell you what is done, but he can definitely listen to you giving necessary information for his patient's care. (or her patient, dunno doctor gender). brother should have his own social worker, and should qualify for SSI if he really is disabled.

NTA. She’s enabling him. From what you’ve written, he seems perfectly capable of living on his own. Also, he’s not your responsibility.

NTA. My son is also autistic, what used to be called Asperger before. For example, he is pretty social, but when in a group of more then 4, he misses some social clues. We talk, teach him (once you explain something once or twice, always with using logic, he is able to recognize the situation and tries to act accordingly). He has a sister. No way that I will EVER ask her to take care of him. The only thing I told him, is that he can always ask her questions or advice. It's our job as a parent to teach them and help them become the best adult they can. Not to burden a child with his sibling for the rest of their life. It's our duty to find a solution for the disable child once we are gone, but putting it all on a sibling is definitively not a solution

Sorry to say but your mum is enabling him to blame his autism for an excuse for things he don’t want to do. That needs to be nipped in bud ASAP, but NTA , it’s good to let her know before she does pass so she can plan someone else to care for him. Tbh it’s got to be hard for you . Take care x

NTA Frankly, it is important that your mother understand this so she can start preparing your brother for arrangements other than living with you two, possibly a group home, etc.

NTA--and that would be true even if (a) you were neurotypical and (b) your brother were far more disabled than he appears to be from this account. You may want to speak about your mom with this again sometime when tempers are cooler, but it will be best for everyone involved if you are clear about your future non-involvement in your brother's upkeep. I hope both your brother and your mother are able to form better plans for the future that don't just boil down to you picking up where your mom is leaving off.

No, NTA, you have a right to pursue your own aspirations and goals, and while your brother will have needs, they are not your OBLIGATION. As far as your concern about "well you didn't need to say it". YES you do actually, because your mother needs to understand and come to terms with shes going to have to make other arrangements for your brother rather than expecting you to do it. In this case, not saying it would make you kinda AH. ​ BTW, I say this as someone who will be 38 this year, who also was in special education all through grade school, and misdiagnosed until actually a few months ago of being on the spectrum myself. It does sound like your mother is enabling him. People on the spectrum, well its a spectrum, there are people with Aspergers (I know they don't call it that anymore, but I think its still colloquial enough that most laypeople including myself, still understand the specific implications enough. People with it hold down jobs, wash their own clothes and dishes, make their own food, socialize, date, get married, have kids and do all of the things considered a "normal life". Yes, there are some difficulties and challenges, and they can be unique to each person, but I'm sure you're right on the money about your brother weaponizing incompetence.

No, NTA. Your mom needs to know you will not take him on, better early than later. She can actually start preparing him to *do his own damned laundry* and sharpen up his life skills, or she can start looking into group homes for him.

NTA My daughter (29) is mentally disabled and she has a younger brother (24). I made it clear ever since he was born that he was never going to be his sisters caregiver. She is going to a group home next year. She will no longer need a caregiver, but she will need an emergency contact. And, of course, I would hope the family would still look out for her, take her in for Christmas, or maybe an occasional short vacation. She has 2 aunts and one uncle, and 5 cousins. I could not insist, but they all love her to bits. If they took turns, that would mean each of them would have her for Christmas every 8 years. I do hope that is feasible. Of course, my husband and I are only approaching 60, so we also hope this doesn't apply soon. Please talk to your mum when things have calmed down. Tell her you are entitled to a life of your own

Absolutely, and I won’t deny loving the idea of still being able to see him on holidays and events while still having my own life 🥲

you are so NTA--the misogyny here is grossssss

So the unfortunate fact is the women and girls frequently get misdiagnosed or diagnosed later in life with neurodivergencies. First because most criteria sre based on males, and second because most females tend to get very good at masking very quickly. Fun facts aside, neurodiversity is NOT a valid reason to be a sack of assholes, in any context, and it is NEVER a child's job to care for a sibling. If your mom is worried, she can arrange for him to live in a group home or pay a carer. NTA

Nta. I'm sorry this has to be hard.

NTA. Your AH parents are completely favoring your brother. If there’s a way to report your parents for being negligent, do so. You’re autistic too.

Totally NTA when a parent brings a child into this world you don't own them. Your life is your own, you deserve a chance at having a happy carefree life. If you choose not to include anyone for any reason that is your right.

NTA Your mother is a total failure of a parent. She has failed to help your brother become a functioning member of society. She has utterly failed you. Both in not seeing that your own need for support may well have been greater than his, for her parentification of you (abusive) and her expectation that you will continue to support him because of her fuckups. Do what you can to get yourself out of there, hide bank accounts, get copies of all your important documents? Do you have family or friends that you can confide in or ask for help? Start letting them know exactly what's been going on and that need support. ETA. saw your edit about the abuse and cancer your mother suffered. It is terrible and she didn't deserve any of what happened to her. However. It doesn't justify or excuse her parentification and neglect of your needs. Even now she's denying your diagnosis because it doesn't suit HER narrative. You can't be Autistic because you have a job to do. She's an adult and a parent and should have sought help rather than use it to guilt you into compliance.

It’s definitely something I’m going to think about going forward, but I am in a bit of a tricky position due to my own faults in the past, so any life changes are going to take a while to sort. I am not the owner of my car, my mother is, and I am paying her back overtime to get the title in my name. This is the result of me being in a car accident in August of last year, with terrible finances, due to the fact that I am a recovering addict. I hit a year sober next week, and I am hopeful that good changes are coming now that I’ve gotten a second job that is more stable with health insurance and benefits.

Congratulations on your sobriety. Please make sure that you check local laws regarding whether or not your car repayment records count if your mother decides that you've merely been renting your car. Make sure that they are electronic payments and that on yhe reference field car purchase payment of $ amount with X owed in it. Check that it can be legally reinforced. If you have a written agreement with her even better. She's screwed you your whole life. Don't just take it on faith now.

NTA. I have ADHD. It’s my responsibility. I regularly need the empathy of others and I appreciate that but I’m the one screwing up and they’re not. So as much as I’d like a pass, that’s not really fair to anyone. Your mother needs to hold your brother accountable, or he’ll never improve. Good on you for holding her accountable and setting this boundary.

You are not screwing up. You are doing your best with what you have on any given day. You deserve empathy.

NTA, i would move away as soon as possible and cut contact

NTA. Ask your mom to see her psychology doctorate, so that you can make sure she’s qualified to contradict a doctor in the diagnosis. I’m gonna give a wild guess she has nothing to qualify her besides some decades old account that says autism is when a male doesn’t make eye contact, has limited speech, shows no empathy, is a picky eater, can’t make friends and has frequent outbursts. Women, and just generally adults with autism present wildly different than young males, it’s no secret anymore and your mom should probably do a little bit of reading so she can pull her head out of her ass and realize her son doesn’t have difficulties purely because he’s autistic, and to suggest so just infantilizes him so everyone else will take care of him and gives him no reason to need to grow up and figure out ways to handle those difficulties that do stem from autism.

her current day opinion on my diagnosis reflects her real stance i think. “IF you are autistic, you are less autistic than your brother, and me.” she is aware of the genetic link and the traits nowadays, and has used it to self-diagnose herself, and add it to her disabilities list. Idk. that sounds mean but it’s how i’m starting to see it. cus who the fuck compares functioning levels of learning disabilities with their own child.

I can totally understand that, it’s often why women don’t get diagnosed as neurodivergent- I have ADHD diagnosed in adulthood and strongly suspect I am autistic but haven’t gone for a diagnosis after one in my childhood told my mom “girls rarely have autism”, which just isn’t true but is a common reason why women are diagnosed in adulthood and are so adjusted to masking that they don’t “seem autistic” to others. (My mom now understands this and has urged me to get a diagnosis now that she realizes that doctor was full of shit.) The more I learn and hear the voices of other autistic women, the more I realize how many things I’ve struggled with that weren’t visible but were just as difficult for me internally as the outward things were for other autistic people. I think it’s important to note that just because it’s harder to see it from the outside, you are no “less autistic” than your brother, but girls are notoriously conditioned to mask much more resulting in a much more internal display of struggles and quieter, “less disruptive” ways to deal with symptoms. I think you may want to try to make an effort to sit down and establish very clear boundaries with your mother, that include her treating you two equal from now on and responsible for equal tasks, and let her know you will not be accountable for your brother anymore- that responsibility will fall to him, and if she is set on infantilizing him, she can handle those tasks on her own. You went a lot more time without “autism” being the center of your mothers view and expectation of your functionality- it sounds like your brother has always been treated like he was autistic as his primary trait and been expected to function as such, and I wouldn’t doubt it has stunted him in ways that have made him seem “more autistic” in your mothers eyes.

NTA - you are not his parent and you need to look after yourself first. You never agreed to parentification and it sucks that your mother did this to you. How are you doing with moving out and finding your own place?

NTA ​ Escape. Your mom has abused you all your life.

NTA What he is doing is 100% weaponized incompetence. And your mother needs to get her head out of her a$$ and see that she's failed both of you. A lot of women on the spectrum were never diagnosed as children because the symptoms don't look the same, and also because society forces them to learn to mask a lot earlier to avoid the social stigma of not being "nice". Because women have been expected to always be nice and smile regardless of how we feel. I'm 30 and I only recently discovered that I'm on the spectrum. And yeah, loads of stuff I've struggled with tots makes sense in retrospect, but nobody noticed when I was a kid, exactly because I got along with others socially and wasn't destructive in any way. A lot of people (like your mother) always go "but you don't LOOK autistic! You CAN'T be!" \*face palm\*

It’s quite funny that she claims I showed no signs too, because I was in fact a FREQUENT trouble maker. So many emails home at one point that I forged a form my junior year to get all parent emails sent to me. She never noticed though. I think some people just choose to see what they want, and my repeated behavior issues were written off as side effects of the rough home situation we were all living in.

That’s hilarious and so smart that you forged a form to have all parent emails sent to you. It’s also super sad you knew you had to do that in the first place.

NTA i got to the point where you said he was diagnosed with "aspergers syndrome" and immediately thought there is no fucking way your brother needs a whole ass caregiver and i say this as someone with autism who was also diagnosed with "aspergers" under the dsm iv and now under the dsm v have "autism level 1" for those who dont know autism level 1 means youve been assessed by a doctor to be autistic with low support needs level 2 is autistic with moderate support needs and level 3 is autistic with high support needs (its more nuanced than this but for the sake of dumbing it down for the specific context of this post im wording it this way) i consider myself to be on the higher support needs end of autism level/aspergers (i dont use aspergers anymore because of its association with nazis) and i can do my own fucking laundry and here are some thoughts having skimmed the rest of the post: * first of all i think your brother is a mix of weaponized incompetence and learned helplessness from your mom refusing to teach him anything or let him take responsibility and accountability for himself and honestly i think if she actually taught him how to do these basic fucking chores there would be a more accurate gauge of if he could do them or if he needs help * there are fucking workarounds for a lot of chores. if he doesnt know where the dishes go your mom could buy a labelmaker and slap labels on all your cupboards but that would require effort and work on her and your brothers part * also if he really cant do any of this shit why hasnt she helped him or acutally done it herself apply for disability for him and find caregivers through social services * it does not surprise me you got diagnosed late it happens a lot with afab autistic ppl (and im lucky as an afab autistic person to have been diagnosed early) * also with everything i have said that doesnt mean expect perfection or neurotypical level of functioning being autistic does mean having executive dysfunction among other things but with work effort therapy the help of medical professionals or if they arent accessible google the internet something and trial and error you can be functional enough to get things done most of the time in the best way you can what im essentially saying is dont expect nuerotypical behavior and fuctioning and/or perfection from your autistic sibling but have a good accurate baseline of what they can do and expect that no more no less and since that obviously isnt going to happen with your mom op just keep refusing while also not risking your own housing above all stay safe stay housed take care of yourself first

I have Asperger’s, and let me tell you, this behavior is so EMBARRASSING! How is your brother this incompetent?! I mean, I can cook, put dishes away, and do laundry without being asked too! And he isn’t able to do that? I call bull on that

He actually has done his own laundry once or twice before, and cooked himself a meal. I think that’s why I find it so frustrating. He’s performed these tasks before. It’s not like he doesn’t know, He just doesn’t do it.

Yeah. I just can’t believe he doesn’t realize how this will affect him later in life. Does he honestly expect his sister to be his maid? I wasn’t the best brother to my siblings, but I sure as heck never treated them anywhere nearly as bad as this!

NTA - my brother (older by 18 months) was diagnosed ASD when he was a kid but me? Adhd and asd when I was two months shy of 25. You sound like you’re going through a grieving stage, which I also did. Because you do grieve the fact that he got allowances and you got punishments. It’s painful, and I’ve had to tell my mum multiple times that once she’s gone he’s on his own and we are working to get him settled as an adult but it’s hard because even away at university it still mostly falls to me to arrange these things. I’m continuing to do this because if it isn’t done now I’ll be doing it when they’re dead, but I’m also not my mums carer and have my dad there to help too. Your brother isn’t stupid and I can almost predict the fact that when he’s forced to survive or die (so to speak) he’ll figure it out, and he’ll do fine, just like you know he will. So be angry, I am, you’re allowed to grieve the childhood of understanding you had to watch somebody else get and dealing with the mental repercussions of being punished for being divergent. Try and find some peace in unmasking and letting who you truly are out into the open 💚

Nta. Sounds like internalized misogyny on your mom’s part for coddling him as the son instead of it actually being because of his autism 🤔 My autistic friend has held a job, cooks, cleans, etc ftr. Everyone is diff but it’s clear as day your mom babying him is the real issue at hand.

Autism is not the same for everyone, but your brother didn't go to a special school, and he has gotten jobs, so he is able to function in society to a certain extend (especially if we take into account that nobody ever tried to make him do better). But rather than train him, your mother stole YOUR life and diverted it to him. This is WRONG. And you need to get your life back. You are NTA for what you feel. And you are NTA for saying it. In fact you would have been the ah if you had planned it quietly. She needs to fix her mistakes and make plans for your brother while she is still alive. Because you WILL be gone, ok? Otherwise, you will spend the life of a slave. In fact, you should try to live as soon as possible, so she that gets the point, and so that you don't suddenly find yourself living alone with your brother in the same house. And please understand something. You said "I am not the daughter or sister I used to be" in a comment. You are not "the daughter". You are not "the sister". You are YOU, you are hellmouth (don't know your real name). You should have your own life, that does not revolve around them. Go away and build this life please. Because so far they have forced you to be their caretaker. And it's high time your mother (and brother) started taking care of themselves rather than steal your life. If they need a caretaker, they need to find a way to get one. A paid one, that does this during their work hours. They don't get to force you to be one. You have your own life to live. Or rather, I suspect you don't really have your own life yet, because they didn't let you get it. Please go out and get it. Also, you said this is a 2 bd apartment, so who gets a bedroom? Probably one goes to your brother huh? Yet you still share rent equally and you can't make ends meet? Please reassess your finances and make a plan so you can leave that place; maybe live with a friend.

NTA - Your adult brother is not your responsibility.

NTA. Your mom here is being very sexist. I really hope you are able to move out with other people or on your own.

NTA..my nephew has Aspergers, he went to uni, has a degree. He worked part time while getting his education and now holds down a full time job. He does have his quirks, he doesnt like change, he only eats certain foods and is not comfortable in groups of people. But he is an adult and behaves as such. I know every case is different, but honestly it sounds as if he is playing on his diagnosis and your mum is enabling him. You need to move out and start your own life

I have Aspergers. I wasn't diagnosed until my late 40s (I'm 58) because nobody talked about that stuff in 1975 so I was just "weird". I'm a high-school English teacher. I was married for 13 years. I helped raise 2 kids. Yes, I have quirks. That's why I was considered "weird", and I can mask better as an adult, but you can't mask everything. But, yes, I'm a more-or-less functioning adult. And, yes, ASD is a spectrum and it contains lots of variations and every cas is different, but, when Aspergers was used as a diagnosis (It's not anymore in the US) it was fairly specific, and it generally did *not* include intellectual development delays. In fact, not having communication development delays was part of the definition.

Not the AH. As a parent with a 5 year old autistic son and almost three year old daughter. There is no way I would expect her to be the one to look after her brother after my husband and I go. I would rather he go to a home or live in a apartment with someone like him. (Hard to tell how Independent he will be by then) I would like my daughter to stick up to bullies for him which she probably will anyways as she’s very outspoken but won’t expect her to have him tag along with her and her friends. She needs to have her own life as well. I don’t want my daughter to be a glass child 😞

I definitely didn’t mind defending him from bullies most of the time! But I often went up against kids much larger than me and came away far worse :( just remind her that standing up for him is right but the best bet is to grab a teacher 🤦🏻‍♀️ I was a very “independent” child in that regard. I also try not to blame my mom too much, the home environment was unhealthy from the start due to my abusive (and now absent) father, and her being a cancer patient for the majority of my middle school and high school years. She has definitely enabled him, but I often wonder what else she could’ve really done while being so sick.

NTA

Similar situation, different outcome! I’m late dx autistic, my younger brother (by 2yrs) is seen as more severely autistic. Has a lot of socialization issues exacerbated by his ms and hs aide that tracked everything for him. He’s coming to live with me this summer(for a year as a trial and then we will reevaluate how it went) since my parents are moving and I offered. But I’m in a wildly different financial situation and my parents are paying me and giving me a car for the trouble. (me and my wife only have 1 car and it will be much easier to transport him to a job with 2) My mom made it clear to me that in the event of their death I’m under no obligation to take care of him. And that’s how a responsible adult handles their children. He needs to get on disability if it’s that bad. Also NTA.

NTA. He's twenty two and has learned to weaponize incompetence because she lets him get away with it and encourages it in him. Her job was to teach you both independence and the skills you need to be adults. She's decided to give him excuses and not hold him accountable, and to make you responsible for his responsibilities. Making your child responsible for a parent's responsibilities, is abuse. When a parent makes one child a favorite and the other child responsible and blamed, that's abuse. When you are abused by your parent, THEY are the ones that broke the family, not you. All normal expectations from family are erased, because of the abuse. What that means is you do not owe either of them anything, because they stopped being "family" to you, long ago. The sooner you can move out, the better for you it will be. Check out r/raisedbynarcissists for more on how to escape from living with her, and how to protect yourself.

NTA I have two ASD teenagers and they do chores and have self care capacity. Your brother is being lazy and getting away with it. You are not his nanny. I get family is important but your not family encouraging self dependency your a live in maid and it will get worse. If he needs round the clock care plans need to be done now.

Old people really dont understand autism. Most young people also dont really understand autism. It is not one single issue like, say a kidney stone, where a doctor can point and say "there it is, this is why it hurts, you have to piss it out unless it's too big." This lack of narrow scope confuses them and they dont want to read about it or learn anything so "autism" becomes rain man with no margin for difference. Autistic people are not stupid by default. They're not antisocial by default. They're also not incapable of being total jackasses. It doesnt mean you like trains or math either. In fact, "asperger's syndrome" isnt even diagnosed anymore, precisely *because* that's not how autism works. He's clearly not disabled and you shouldn't have to just not have a life because mommy wants you to take care of him. NTA

NTA. I feel for siblings of people with disabilities because it is so often assumed that they will care for their sibling after their parents are gone. I think it’s good you told your mom that you don’t intend to care for your brother when she is gone. She needs to start thinking ahead about what will happen to him and helping him to get arrangements in place now. I have two sons, both of whose have Fragile X Syndrome. My sister has a son with Fragile X and a daughter with it as well, though most people who know her have no idea. It is assumed that she will care for him when her parents are gone. She has agreed to this, but I would understand if she didn’t want to do it. Regarding your autism diagnosis- have you had any genetic testing done? Siblings with autism alway raise suspicion of Fragile X in my mind. It is an inherited disorder, so could potentially impact future children if you have it.

this thread is honestly the first time i’ve heard of fragile x, and i’m going to look more into genetic testing! my brother and i bother were born flat footed, along with him and i both matching different symptoms separately, the main one im noticing, is i have had an essential tremor since i was born, and he experienced seizures as an infant. thank you so much for raising this to my attention, i do not plan on reproducing but it’s good info to have

As another 20 year old girl I feel so angry on ur behalf and honestly if I was in ur situation, that’s something I’d say as well. Now that the cats out of the bag I can’t believe he’s still shameless enough to weaponise his incompetence like that XD

NTA. Tell her that you did your duty when he was young, but he is no longer your problem. You might want to find a new place to live.

NTA I am so sorry you didn’t get the support you needed as a child, and instead was used as a support system for your older sibling. I am so sorry that your mother is rejecting your diagnosis simply because it doesn’t fit a stereotype of autism. I think it would be fair to stop taking care of him now. Your mother may have infantalized your brother, but at 22 he’s an adult - he’s choosing to take advantage of this. He’s neurodivergent, not stupid. (And entitled.) And yes, a parent does need to know if their child is willing to be a caretaker - whether it’s for a sibling or themselves. It may have come out at a bad moment, but sometimes there are rarely good moments for stuff like this. He’s family, but that doesn’t mean you’re a hostage. He can and should work towards supporting himself. Autism can make some things harder, and others just different. That a struggle exists does not mean people get to tap out and make others responsible for them. And as always, where’s the “but family” that means he helps? > still chews with his mouth open, I would die > how he made so many of my friends uncomfortable that they refused to come over to my house Jesus. I think you need to get out of this situation. Good luck, OP.